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A B O U T T H I S B O O K

Dylanhashitrockbottom.Despitebeingawomanizer,heislonely.He'sbrokeandis

strugglingtorevivehisonceflourishingjournalismcareer.ThenhemeetsAlexa,and

Dylanrealizesshecouldbetheanswertohisdilemma.

Asaformercallgirl,Alexahashadittough.Shewantstoturnherlifearound,working

tirelesslytogetherdegreeinBusinessManagementatStanford.WhenDylanproposes

thatsheletshimwriteapieceaboutherexperiences,sheishesitanttoexposeherself.

Lettinghimintoherlifeisn'tawalkinthepark,buthisearnestnessandwitgetthrough

herdefenses.

Themoretimetheyspendtogether,theharderitistodenytheattractionsimmering

betweenthem,butisitenoughforAlexatoopenherheart?

Author’sNote:

TheJournalistisasexyromancenovelthatcontainsexplicitsexualcontent,language,

andintendedformatureaudiencesonly.Readerdiscretionisadvised.

D Y L A N

satinacrowdedbar,nursingmybottleofStarRadler.Normally,Iwasn'tahugefan

ofRadler,buttonightIneededtoavoidmyusualcocktailoranythingstronger.Even
though I felt like getting drunk shitless, that was the last thing I needed right now. It
wasaboutfuckingtimeIsatdownandthoughtdeeplyaboutmylife—howitwasgoing
andwhereitwasheaded—ornotheaded.

Aloudshoutfrombehindmemademeturnsharplytowardwherethenoisecame

from.IshookmyheadinamixtureofconfusionandsomeangerwhenIsawthatit
wasjustanotherbrewingbarfight.Nothingmore.At9:45pmthebarwasburstingwith
a mix of people. The atmosphere here was filled with a mixture of sweat, cigarette
smoke, the smell of people; and almost everyone was bopping their heads to Kanye
West's'NomorepartiesinLA'spillingoutofthespeakers.However,Iwasnotoneof
the'most.'

Iturnedmyheadbacktomydrink.WhatwasIexpecting,sittinginabar?Theirony

ofitall!Hell,mylifewasafuckingirony.Ihonestlydon'tknowanyoneelsewhowould
decide to think and reflect on his life in a bar. A bar! I repeated in my head. I
envisionedsomuchmoreformylife.Bynow,IwantedtobeaPulitzerwinnerorat
leastnominated.Thatwasnottoobigofadreamforajournalistwithkindoftalent.

At27,Iwasn'tevenclosetowinningafreebieatacarnival,muchlessajournalism

award. When I moved to Los Angeles immediately after college packed with big
dreamsandhopes,myoutlookonlifewasdifferent.Iwas23,freshoutofArizonaState
UniversityanddamnedsureofthesubstanceIhad;Iknewexactlyhowmylifewould
playout.

The plan was simple; move to LA, leverage on the internship I had gotten straight

outofcollegeandwoweverysinglepersonIcould.Ihadenvisionedtakingtheworld
bystormwithmyamazingwritingskillsandthenbeaPulitzerwinnerby25.

Twenty-fivewastwoyearsago.Twoyearsaftermy'goldenage'andIwasnotonly

without an award, I was broke, broken and without as many aspirations. Since then,
I've moved from the LA office to the San Francisco office, which had a lot less slot
space. To top it off, I was single to stupor. The fact that I liked sex a little more than
most regular guys didn't help matters. The sheer joy of knowing that whatever
conversationIwashavingwithanattractivefemalewouldleadnowhereelsebutthe
bed.

The people around the bar were sort of like my inspiration. In them, I could see

whereIdidn'twanttobeandwhereexactlyIdid.Forinstance,thelastthingIwanted
toberightnowwasthisguysomedistancefromme.Iwasseatedherewhenhecame
inwithhisgirl,allsmilingandhappy.Now,lessthanthreehoursaftertheycamein,
she'sbeen'stolen'bywhatappearstobeamuchricherfellow.Iimmediatelytunedout
theargumentthatIwassurewouldstartsoon.

AsIscannedtheroom,IseteyesonthemostexquisitethingI'dseentonight.
My eyes followed a pair of beautiful, bare long legs all the way to the sheer black

fabric that covered the owner's body. I couldn't see exactly what color they were
because of the dim bar lights, but I loved those legs already. Pictures of how those
gorgeouslegswouldlookwrappedaroundmyhipsfilledmyhead.Atthatmoment,I
knewwhoIwantedtobeintonight.Ifeltthebloodrushtomyheadandloins.

IallowedmyeyestowanderoverherlegsforabitbeforeItracedmywayallthe

wayupherbody.Hersheerblacklittledressbarelycoveredherbuttcheeks.Icouldn't
complainthatthedresswasshowingtoomuch.Besidesthefactthatitwasnotinmy
placetosayso,Iabsolutelylovedtheview.Myeyesmovedtothevoluptuouscurveof
herbreasts,skimmedoverthemabitandcontinuedupward.Iwantedtoseetheface
ofallofthisgoodnessbeforeIcamebacktofeastonthebreasts.Iwas,afterall,abreast
man.

My eyes met hers in the most embarrassing twist of events. She had apparently

been staring at me while I was drooling over her. I grew hot with embarrassment.
Apparently,shefoundthiswholethingamusingasshesentasmirkmyway—themost
seductiveandbeautifulthingIhadseenallevening.Iturnedawayfromherquickly.
ThiswasexactlythekindofdistractionIdidn'tneedtonight.Ihadtoomuchtothink
about.DespiteeverythingIfeltinmyloins,Iknewitwasacompletelyterribleideato
bed this young lady, whose lips reminded me of the deep red of cherries. It was
amazinghowmuchbettermysightgotinthisdimlightwhenIsawsomethingIliked.

"Well,hellothere."Iheardavoicebehindme.
I knew it was her before I turned around. The sweet smell of what I think was

candiedorangeblossomorwasitapricot.Thefragrancewaftedupmynose,andallI
couldthinkofwashowI'dlovetoeatherup.God,shesmelledfuckingedible!There
wassomethingelsewiththewayshesmelled—therewasaspicinesstoher.Whyinthe
worlddidIhavetomeetherenow?Whytodayofalldays?Myillluckwasatitagain.

"Catgotyourtongue?"Shesaidandsettledintotheemptyseatbesideme.
"Well,heythere,"Ireplied.
"Ithoughtforasecondthereyouwouldn'tbeabletospeak.Iguessit'sjusttheeffect

Ihaveonpeople."

"Perhaps.Butthenagain,I'mnotknowntobeshortonwords."
"What'sahottielikeyoudoingallaloneatthebar?"
I looked at her and said nothing at first. I considered my words carefully. I could

eitherplaythissothatIscoredthisonetonightorIjustlethergo.Mybettersensestold
metolethergo.Ihadmoreimportantthingstodotonight.

"Let'sjustsayIhaven'tfoundtherightcompanytonight,"Isaidinsteadofthegentle

rejectionIshouldhaveletout.

"You could for the right price." She said to me in the tone I know too well, and at

that moment, I realized exactly what this was—what she was. She wasn't looking to
scorealonelydudeatthebar.Shewaslookingtoscoreaclient.Shewasaprostitute.
Nothingmore.Mybettersensestookover.WhatIneededwasagoodenoughstoryto
bringmebacktothefrontpages;notaprostituteandexpensivesex.BecauseIknew
thatthisonewouldnotcomecheap.

"Look,Idon'tthinkIamupforthistonight.Youcouldstillgetaclientifyoulook

wellenough."

"To think I was actually going to put this one on the house. I don't charge all the

time." She said and got off the stool. As she turned around without looking, she
bumped into some guy lurking behind us. She eyed him without a word and stalked
outofthebar.

Somethingglintingunderthelightdrewmyattention.Ibentoverthespotshewas

standingandpickeditup.MymouthfellopenasmyeyesscannedwhatIhadinmy
hands.ItwasanIDcard,butthispossibilitywasnothinglikeIcouldhaveeverthought
of—nothing I could ever imagine. This had to be payback for something good I had
doneinthepast.Providencehadfinallysmileddownonme.Thegodshadfinallysent
meastorytosavemycareer.Ijumpedoffmystoolandranafterher.Ididn'tseeherat
first,andmyheartnearlystoppedbeating.ThenIsawher.Again,fatewasworkingin
myfavor.Thecabshehaileddidn'tevenslowdown,muchlessstop.

"Wait!"Icalledtoher,hercardsafelyhiddeninmypocket.I'dgetaroundtogiving

ittohersomehow.Ididn'tknowhowyet,butIcouldcomeupwithsomething.

Shecouldn'tknow.Atleastnotthen.
"What?"
"IthinkIneedthatcompanyyouwereofferingearlier."
"Freetimeisover.I'mbacktoworknow."
Yetagain,againstmybetterjudgment,Ireplied."Fine.Howmuch?"
Shelookedatmelikeshewastryingtodecidewhatpunishmenttometerouttome.

"300."

"What?!" I exclaimed. That was way too much, and I couldn't afford that in my

presentstate.

"Thought so. You should have taken the free offer." She retorted and started to

sashayaway.

Myneedforagoodstorymademecringeinside."Fine!Fine!!Let'sgo."
Shesmirkedagain.Ithinkshepreferredthistosmilingormaybeitwasjustbecause

ofthecompanyshewasin."Whatmadeyouchangeyourmind?"

Ilookedatherandsmiled."Because,youmydear,arethebestthingtocomemy

wayallweek."

Shelookedatme,puzzled.Ismiledagain,butIdidn'tbotherwithanexplanation.
HowwouldIstarttoexplaintoherrighthere,bythesideoftheroad,thattheonly

reason I reconsidered was because she was going to be my next story? How do I
explain that I only changed my mind because what else could resuscitate the dead
career of a journalist than a piece on the life of a prostitute that so happens to go to
Stanford?

A L E X A

hiswasweird.Reallyweird.Hewassmilingatmelikehejustwonamilliondollars

orsomething.Ireallydon'tunderstandwhyhewasstaringatme,grinningfromearto
earlikehejustwonajackpot,whenallthathappenedwasthatI'doverbilledhimfora
runinthesack.Inmywildestexplanation,Ineverimaginedhewouldreactlikethat.
WhatIpicturedwashimyellingbloodymurderandthenrunningofftofindanother
womantofulfillhisneeds.IrealizedatthatmomentIwrongIwas.

Iwasstillstaringatthishottieasheagreedtopayanoutrageous$300tohavesex

withme.Heseemedhellbentonhavingago,andIwasnotreadytostophim.WhenI
toldhimtopaythatamount,Ididittoscarehimaway,butapparently,hedidn'tscare
soeasily.Apartofmewasgladheacceptedtopay,butthenagain,anotherpartofme
wascuriousastowhyheagreedwithoutmuchofafuss.Whydidheagreetoit?

Could it be that he had an ulterior motive? I did a quick scan of him to assess his

potential for being a troublemaker. He didn't seem like one. In fact, he seemed like
someonewhowouldn'thurtafly.Hewashandsome.Deadlyhandsomewithanedge
to him. I couldn't place his age. His face made him look somewhat young. Only the
stubblegatheredaroundhisjawmademeknowhewasn'tquiteasyoungashisface
was suggesting. He was wearing a pair of black jeans and a sweater that stretched
tightlyoverhiswell-builtbiceps.Heapparentlyspentalotoftimeatthegym.

Beyondthelooks,itseemedlikehewasinabitofapickleearlier.Thewayhewas

lookingaroundthebaratfirst,heseemedalittlelost.Likehehadbeengoingthrough
suchahardtime,andhissolutionwastodrownhimselfinthebottle.Ihadapproached
himandthenherewewere.

"Are we going to spend all night here?" he asked, and I smiled. He didn't seem

anythinglikethepersonIwalkeduptoearlier.Thisonewasnotshyorreserved.Ihad
justcaughthimbysurpriseearlier.

"No,"Ireplied."I'mjusttryingtodecideifIreallywanttogointoahotelroomwith

acreepyguylikeyou."

"Creepy?" he repeated, the surprise on his face very apparent. "I don't think I

understandyou.Youcameontomejustminutesago.NowI'mthecreepyguyyou're
wonderingabout?"

"Thatwasbeforeyousaidthatthingaboutthebestthingtocomeyourwayallweek.

Youdon'tsaythattosomeonelikeme.Itisquiteacreepythingtosaytoahooker."

He sighed in what I assumed was exasperation. "Look, I shouldn't be explaining

myselftoyou,butIhavehadacrazyassweek.WhatIneedrightnowisthecompany
toforgetwhatashittyweekthishasbeen.Heck!I'mnotevencomplainingaboutthe
hikeinyourprice.AllIwantisagoodtime.Andthenightisalreadyalmostover.So
shallwe?"

I stared at him for a fraction of a minute. He did look quite stressed now that I

lookedclosely.Hedidn'trealizethathewasdoingmeasmuchofafavorasIwasdoing
him;tosetourmoodsstraightforwhatwastocomeafterwelefteachother.

"Fine,"Isaideventually."There'sahoteljustaroundthecorner."
I saw a look I couldn't place flash across his face when I talked about the hotel. It

crossedmymindthatheprobablycouldn'taffordthehotelroomcostaswellasmyfee
and that was why he had that look. Again, I was about to change my mind, but I
ignored the voice in my head. He knew what he had coming when he agreed to my
price. Besides, even if he eventually couldn't pay the whole thing, it really wouldn't
matter.Thiswasbeyondjustthemoney.Ihadmyreasons.

"Nottoworry.Theychargeafairenoughprice."
"WhatmakesyouthinkI'mbotheredabouttheprice?"heretorted.
"Oh,youobviouslyare.Butthatdoesn'tmatter,"Irepliedsmugly."Shallwe?"
Ididn'tbothertolookbehindmeasIwalkedawayfromhimtowardthehotel.The

coldNovemberwindblewatmyface,sendingachilldownmyspine.Itwascoldout
there tonight, and for the first time, I deeply regretted my choice of outfit. It seemed
likeaprettygoodideawhenIleftthehouseearlier.

Somewhere behind us, a couple of kids' laughter reached me. Their laughter was

deep, rich and sounded genuine. What I'd give to be able to actually laugh like that.
Laughfromdeepwithinmyheart.Thathadbeenawhile.Ipushedthethoughtoutof
mymindasquicklyasitcameintoit.AsIturnedleftinthedirectionofthehotel,Isaw
himcatchuptome.

"Youcouldatleastslowdown,"hesaidashecaughtup.
"Notmyfaultyou'resoslow."
"Whydoesitseemlikeyou'retryingtosendmeaway?"
"MaybeIam."
"You know, not to be offensive or anything but for a hooker, you're doing such a

crappyjoboftryingtoholdontoyourclient."

"CrossedyourmindthatI'mmaybetryingto'notholdontoyou'?"Iteased.
"Veryfunny,"hesaidandstoppedinfrontofthestaircaseofthehotel.
Iturnedmygazetothehotel,andasenseofnostalgiasweptoverme.Nothinghad

changedsincethelasttimeIwashere.ItwasexactlyasIrememberedit.Thetwo-story
building looked more like a building of apartments than a hotel. Except for the sign
postedwiththenameinscribedonit,onereallymightnothavebeenabletotell.

Hewentonaheadofmetothelobbyandstartedtospeaktothereceptionist.
BeforeIreachedhimatthelobby,hewasdonewiththereceptionistandtwirleda

bunchofkeysonakeyringaroundhisfinger.Idoubledmystepsandcaughtupwith
him.Together,weclimbedthestairsinsilence.

Doubts began to fill my mind as he opened the door to the room. I really didn't

knowifIwantedtodothisanymore.Everythingthathadhappenedduringthenight

rushedthroughmymindandcontinuedtofurtherfortifymydoubts.Iwalkedintothe
room,butmymindwaswalkingawayfromit.Getthehelloutofhere!Aninnervoice
screamedatme.

Iwalkedstraighttothebedandsatonit,ignoringthevoiceofreasoningthatspoke

tome.ThesoftbedsankundermeasIsatonit.Thesoftnesswassupposedtosoothe
me,butitdidnothingforme.Deepdownwithinme,Iknewitwasfear.

Nothing but fear was clouding my mind and try as I might to push it away, it

wouldn'tleave.

After all I'd been through, it was perfectly understandable. My heart started to

pound violently in my chest. I took deep breaths in and out to steady me. Nothing
happened.MyheartwasstillpoundingdespitethefactthatIwastryingtosteadyit.

Oh God! I thought. What in the world was I doing? I should get away from here

quickly! He had gotten to me, and he was bending over me. Despite my better
judgment,Istayedthereandlethimtouchme.Whenhebentovertokissme,Iturned
to the other side, and he kissed my cheek instead. I braced myself for what was to
come.

Afterall,Iapproachedhimandnottheotherwayround.Ihadtoseethisthroughto

theend.HewaskissingmyneckandeventhoughInormallywouldhavebeenaffected
bythis,maybeevenmovedtoaction,thistimeIdidn'tfeelathing.

Hestartedtotrailthekissesallovermyneck,ridinguptowardmychin.Getout,the

voicesaid.Hebentmynecktheotherwayandplantedkissesonmychin.

Leavenow!Hiskissesmovedup,andfinallyhislipssealedmineinakissthatwasa

mixofbothhotandcold;thehotnessofthekissandthealmostice-coolnessofhislips.
Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtokisshimback.Ireallydid.Butthehonesttruthwasthat
thekisswasnothinglikeanactualkiss.Allitwasrightnowwasachore.

D Y L A N

omethingfeltwrongasIkissedher.Icouldswearthatsheisnotonebitmovedby

my kisses. This was the first time that a woman was not at all moved by my
'ministrations'andIhadtoadmit,itdidn'tfeelgood.Notonebit.Iwasfeelingalittlebit
emasculated,ifIwashonest.Emasculatedandalittlebitchallenged.

Challengeaccepted,woman,Ithoughttomyself.Weweregoingtotakethisanotch

higher.

Ileanedinclosertoherandstartedtorunmyfingersupanddownalongherarm.
Kissingherhadbecomemorethanjustforthepleasure.Itookitasmyduty.She

had to feel something sometime. She couldn't possibly be immune to feelings and
stirrings.

ItcrossedmymindatthispointthatshewasprobablynotasgoodofahookerasI

thoughtshewas.Iftherewasanythinghookersweregoodat,itwaspretending.

Let'sfacefacts.Allanyonepaidforwasforthemtopretend;pretendtheylikedthe

kisses—pretendtheylikedyou,wellexceptinthecaseswherethatSMthingcamein—
pretend they like the fact that you filled them up. And then they pretended like you
actuallymadethemorgasm.NowthatIthoughtofit,Ididn'tthinkthesehookersever
orgasmed. That's why I took my business elsewhere; social media apps, bars—
whereverthespiritled.

Backtothistotallyunmovedyounglady,Iwastryingtopleasure.Shewasstillnot

responding to my kisses, and I was beginning to find it quite distressing. My hand
movedfromherarmstohertorso,andIstartedtolightlycaressherbodythroughthe
dress.Nothing.Myhandmovedtoherbreast,cuppingitandthatwaswhenIfeltit.

NotquitetheresponseIwasexpecting.
InsteadofthefierypassionIassumedshewouldconsumemewith,shestiffened.

Sheactually stiffened under mytouch! I pulled awayfrom her immediately, and her
reactionfurtherconfirmedwhatIthoughtthiswas.Normally,shewouldhavelooked
upatmeimmediately,dazed,probablyevendisorientedbythefactthatIhadstopped
doing what I was doing to her, but this one was staring at me with the blankest of
stares. Like nothing even passed through her. Like she actually wouldn't care if I
continuedorstopped.

"What'sgoingon?"Iaskher.
"I don't understand." She said with what I couldn't exactly say was genuine

confusion,butlookedlikeit.Iwouldhavebeensoldbyherreaction,butIknowwhat
thiswas.Iwasprettysureshewouldtellmesomesobstorythatwassupposedtomake
me just give her the money without having sex with her. Wouldn't work. Wouldn't
happen.

AvoiceinmyheadtoldmeI’mjustbeingpetty.Iagreed,notbecauseIwasactually

thinking of having sex with her, but because of my story and now that I had the
opportunitytogetwhatIwantedwithouthavingtoexertmyself.WhatIfeltwasavery
misplaced sense of wrong. Like she was being unfair to rob me of the opportunity to
turnherdownwhenthingsgotintense.

"Youdon'tunderstand?Doyoureallywanttodothis?"
"Umm."
"Umm?Youcandomuchbetterthan'umm.'Areyouintothisornot?"
"Yes…No..."shesighed."Idon'tknow."
Isighedmyself,andmyvoicegotanotchsofter."Whatisgoingon?Youdon'tseem

sointoit.Icanreaditinyourbodylanguage.Youdon'tseemsowillingtothisthing,
andIambeginningtowonderifyoureallymeanttochasemeoffearlier."

"Look,I'msorry.Ididn'tmeantodragyouintoallofthis.Ithoughtitwasagood

ideaearlierbutnow,notsomuch."

"Sowhatchangedyourmind?"
"I...Ijustdon'treallyfeeluptothisanymore."
"Isn'tthatkindofwhatyouguysdo?Pretendyouareuptoitwhenyoudon'treally

feeluptoit?Ithoughtthat'swhyyouguysarecalled'professionals'inyourfield."

"It's not what you think it is. I'm not what you think I am." She said and moved

somedistancefromme.However,shewasstillonthebed.

"Enlightenmeonexactlywhatitisthatyouare,please.Youchargemoneyforsex,

andthatisexactlywhathookersdo.WhatelseamIsupposedtothinkyouare?"Isaida
bitrudely.

"Watch how you talk to me!" she said to me with so much anger in her voice. "I

won'tletyoutalktomeinjustaboutanymanneryouplease."

"Look,I'msorryIspokethewayIdid.Ijustthoughtthiswasjustanotherployyou

guysemploytorippeopleoff."IsaidinanattempttoreadherreactionwhenIdropped
thebombshellthatIknewwhatthisplaywas."Youknow,thatthingwhereyoupickup
a hooker and she tells you sob stories when you are already so in the mood and she
spins some story that wins your sympathy and the guy gives her money but doesn't
touchher?"

HerfacewasweirdlycalmasIspilledoutthespin.Shelookedalittleconfusedlike

shedidn'tunderstandwhatIwassaying.Itwaseithershegenuinelywasnottryingto
playme,orshewasaprettygoodactress.

"Iamnottryingtoconyououtofyourmoney.Ipromiseyou."
"Sowhatisthis?"
"I…"shesighedandletoutasmall,sadlaugh."HowdoIsaythiswithoutseeming

like I want to spin a tale? Yeah, I am a hooker. But I am off work tonight. I was just
tryingtorelievetensionbacktherewhenIsawyoustaring,andIdecidedtojusttakea
shotatyou.Itseemedlikeaprettygoodideaatthetime."

"Andnow?"

"NowI'mnotsosure.Forallitsworth,Iwasn'tgoingtotakeyourmoney.Iwasjust

goingtoletdownmyhairandthengetoutofyourhair."

"Ohreally?"Isaidwithmyfirstsmirkofthenight."Youhadanulteriormotive.You

justwantedtousemeandrunaway."

"Well,kindof,"shesaid,andthistimethesmilewaskindofgenuine.
"LookslikeI'mnottheonlyonewithahiddenagenda.Goodtoknow."
"Wait,you?"
"Well,you'renottheonlywiththeluxuryofanulteriormotive,"Isaid."Okay,that

didn'tsoundasrightoutloudasitdidinmyhead."

Sherolledhereyes."Whatdoyoureallywant?"
"Well…"
"Outwithitnow!"
"Fine.Justpromiseyou'llhearmeoutfirstbeforeyoumakeanyhastyconclusions

ordecisions."

"WhydoIhaveafeelingIwon'tlikewhatyouareabouttosay?"
"Err,youprobablywon'tlikeit."
"OhGod!Whatisit?"
"Iamgoingthroughquitearoughpatchrightnow.Thingsatworkaren'tgoingas

smoothlyasthey'resupposedtobegoingandIkindofneed…"

hreally?" she interrupted. "Now, you're the one trying to pull one over me? Just

great.Howmuch?"

"Wait,what?I'mnottryingtoconyouoranythinglikethat."
"Right,"shesaid,rollinghereyes.
"I'm very serious about this. What I need does not require a dime from you. Just

yourwords."

"Look,Idon'tworkforanyonethatcanmakemehavejuicygossipforyou."
"Butyoudo."
"Whatexactlydoyoudoforaliving?"
"I'majournalist."HerfacedroppedwhenItoldher.
"Wait,what?"sheaskedinsurprise."Sowhatdoyouwantfromme?"
"Ineedastorythatcanhelpmehitthecoverpagelikeyesterday.Itisquitecrucial

formycareerthatIfindthatstory.Whenyouwalkeduptomeinthebar,Ijustknewit
wasyou."

"But I'm just a regular girl that walks up to guys at the bar. Nothing serious. Why

wouldyouwantmystoryinyournewspaper?What'ssoimportant?"

"Everythingis.Whenyoubumpedintothatguy,somethingfelloffyou.This."Isaid

as I fished out her ID from my wallet. Her face immediately reflected the shock that
she was in and she didn't even bother to hide it. She reached out to me and tried to
snatchthecardoutofmyhand.Ipulleditbackandplaceditfarenoughfromher.

"Givemethat!"
"Not until you have actually listened to me. It fell off when that guy bumped into

you.Stanfordhuh?"

"WhatdoesthefactthatIgotoStanfordhavetodowithanything?"

"Ithaseverythingtodowitheverything.Stanfordisquitetheprestigiousschool.It

gotmethinking,andthenithitme.Iwantyoutobemynextbigstory.Thestoryabout
the hooker that goes to Stanford. I need your experiences, your story—everything. I
cansavemycareerwithyourstory."

"Andruinmine?Nothankyou."
"Iwouldn'tberuiningyourcareer.Nobodywouldknowit'syou.We'llchangethe

names,changesomeoftheplaces—anythingthatcanlinkthestorybacktoyou.Trust
me;Iwouldn'twantmysourcetocometoanyharm.I'ddoeverythingtoprotectyou."

Shegotoffthebedandgrabbedherpurse."You'recrazy.Very,verycrazy.Ican'tdo

it.Iwon'tdoit.GivememyID!"shedemanded.

"Please!Thiscouldchangeeverythingforme."
"Why should I be bothered with what it does for you? That part is none of my

business. I don't know you, and you don't know me. So whatever happens to you is
none of my business. Heck! I don't even know your name or anything about you
exceptthislittlestoryyoujusttold."

Imentallyshotmyselfintheheadaftershewasdonespeaking.Icouldbesucha

foolsometimes.IwassoblindedbywhatIwantedfromherthatitdidn'tevencrossmy
mindtotrytoendearhertome;myfirstwrongmove.Idon'tevenknowhername.
Thesecondwrongmovewastoassumethatshewouldcarewhathappenstome.She
doesn'tknowme.Iwasn'trelevanttoher.

"Look,I'msoverysorryforthatoversight.Iwasjustsoexcitedbythiswholething

that I forgot my manners. I'm Dylan." I said and stretched out my hand for a
handshake.SheignoredthehandorthefactthatIhadtoldhermynameandstared
squarelyatmebeforespeaking.

"Ican'tdoit.EvenifIreallywantedtohelpyou,Icouldn't.Thisisbeyondme."
"Beyond you? You hold all the cards! I don't need to meet with you every blessed

day.AllIneedisjustsometime.Maybetwoorthreetimesinaweekandduringthe
daysoitwon'taffectyourbusiness.Please!I'minareallybigmess.Ineedthisstory,or
else, I will be fired really soon. This is all I've got. If you were a religious person, I
wouldhavesaidGodhimselfsentyoutometohelpmysituation."

"Goddidn'tsendanyone.Ijustcametoyoumyself."
"Samedifference.Thebottomlineis,Ireallyneedthis,andI'dbeeternallygrateful

toyouifyoucouldjustaccepttodothis.Iknowit'stoomuchtoaskconsideringthat
we'renotfriendsoranythinglikethat,butyou'dbesavingalifeifyouagreetodothis."

"Look,Iunderstandeverythingyou'resayingperfectly,andit'snotlikeI'msucha

demonIdon'twanttohelp.It'sjustthatIcan't."

"Why?Whycan'tyou?"Iasked,mydesperationclearlyexpressedinmyvoice.
Therewasnopointinpretendingthatitwouldn'thurtmebadlyifshedidn'tagreeto

this.

"BecauseIamnotahooker."

A L E X A

e blinked once. Then twice. His hands moved from the bed to his jaw, and he

scratchedhisbeard,confused.

"What?"hefinallysaid.
"Isaid,I'mnotahooker."
"Youcouldjusttellmeyoudon'twanttodothisinsteadoflyingtome,youknow.

I'dbedevastated,butthat'sallit'dbe.You'venoreasontolietome."

Isighedandlookedathimlikeamotherwouldapetulantchild.Hethoughtitwas

justarusetogetawayfromhimandthiscrazyideathathehad,butitwasn't.Iowed
himnothing,andheowedmenothing,sotherewasabsolutelynoneedformetolie.

Thisguyhadawrongsenseofentitlement,andIwonderedifthathadn'tgottenhim

intoamessbefore.

"I have no reason to lie. You're just too full of yourself to realize my turning you

downwouldmeannothingtome.Iamnotahooker."

"Butyoucameontome?"
"Likeeveryothergirlatthebardoestoaguysheseesandlikes."
"Yousaidyouwerenotgoingtochargeme."
"Icouldhavebeenfoolingaround."
"You…"
"Enough, Dylan! All those scenarios you're painting? They're all perfectly normal

thingspeoplewhoaren'thookersdo.Butyeah.Iwasahooker."

"Was?"
"Yeah.Was.Pasttenseof'is.'Meaningsomethingthatisn'thappeninganymorebut

happenedbeforethemomentofspeaking?"

"Veryfunny.Iknowwhatthewordmeans.Explaintomehowthisworksagain."
IsighedbecausehewasabouttoremindmeofastoryIneverlikedtoremember.
ButIguessedIcouldn'trunfromitforever.
"I used to be a hooker before now. Your regular babe on the streets but I had a

terribleexperiencethatmademequit.Ijustcouldn'tdoitanymore."

"Sowhywereyououttheretonight?"
"Iwasouttherebecause…becauseIamthinkingofgoingbackintoit.Collegewon't

payforitself,andsinceI'mnotarichkidwithafattrustfundsomewhere,Ihavetofind
awaytoraisemoneytopaymybills,andthisistheonlywayIknow."

"Oh.I'm…I'm..."hestuttered."I'msorrytohearthat."
"YouandIknowthere'snothingsorryaboutthat.Shithappens.AndI'vegottenover

it."

"Haveyoureally?"
"Please,let'snotpretendthatyouactuallycarehere."
"ButIdo."
"What'smyname?"Iaskedinanultimatetestofthis'caring'natureofhis.Icocked

myheadtotheside,waitingforhimtosaysomething…anything.Iknewhecouldn't
though. I never told him or should I say, he never cared or bothered to know. He
brought me here from the bar, stuck his tongue in my mouth and down my throat
withoutevenknowingthemostbasicofthingsaboutme;myname.

"I…"hestartedtosay.
"Youwhat?"Iasked,daringhimtospeak.
"Iamterriblysorry."
"You'realwayssorry."
"Whatisyourname?"
"Alexa.I'mAlexa."
"It'snicetomeetyou,Alexa."
"Oh,please.Youmetmeagesagoanditjustnowcrossedyourmindtobehavelikea

civilizedhuman.Anyway,backtoyourproposition.SeewhyIcan'thelpnow?"

"Iseewhyyouquithooking,butIdon'tseewhyyoucan'tbemystory.Iseeagreat

storyinthissituationofyoursandtrustme;Iknowitwouldmakeittothecoverpage
andevenendearpeopletoyou."

"Ithoughtyousaidtheywouldn'tknowit'sme?"
"Well,theywon't,butitdoesn'tmeantheywon'tstillrelatewithwhoeverthestory

isabout.Thinkaboutit."

"But what is there to tell? I don't work with these people anymore. I'm more like

freshfishinthesewatersnow."

"Butyou'veworkedwiththembefore.You'velivedthelifetheylived.You'reabout

to start living that life again. Even if it's based just on your past experiences, it still is
something. Some people are living this past of yours as their present. Some would
continuetolivethatlifeuntiltheverylastday.Sowhat'stherenottotell?

"You entered into the system for a reason. Something pushed you out of it. But

despite all of this, despite the fact that some people feel hookers have no future
whatsoever,youdecidedtogotoschool.Isn'tthataworthyenoughstoryforpeopleto
readabout?"

I stared at him, thinking of how convincing this man could be. His sugar coated

tonguecouldgetanyonetodoanythinghepleased.Whyhadhenottriedusingiton
hisbossessomaybehisjobwouldn'tbeatsomuchofarisk?Ordidheonlyhavethis
effectonwomen?Werehisbossesmenorwomen?Ipushedallofthesethoughtsdown
andfacedtheissueathand.

He did have a point. My story seemed like it had potential, but how much of a

potential and how far did I really have to go to be able to tell it? Would he have to
follow me everywhere I went? Or worse still, would he be in the same room as my
clientandme?Awaveofnauseahitmeasthethoughtcameup.Thatcoulddefinitely

neverhappen.

IfIagreedtothiseventually,Ihadtoetchthatinouragreement.
"Yourofferisquitetempting,Dylan.Exceptforthefactthatyoudidn'tseemtotalk

aboutmoneyanywhere.DoIgetpaidornot?"

"Ihavetobehonestwithyou.I'mnotsureifyou'dbepaid.Mybossesdon'teven

knowaboutthisstoryyet.TheideajustcametomewhenIfoundyourIDonthefloor.
Istillneedtotalktothemandallofthat."

"So that means," I started to ask, "That there is a tendency they would kill your

story?Thatallofthethingswewouldworkonwouldbethrownoutintothebin?"

"Well,technically,IneedtogetpermissionfirstbeforeIrunwiththeidea.Whichis

whatIplantodotomorrowmorning.ButIcanassureyouthatit'sageniusideathatno
onewouldbeabletosaynoto.So,whatdoyousay?"

"I'llthinkaboutit.Getyourpermissionfirstbeforeyoucomebacktome."
"Sure. I could do that. But a thought just crossed my mind. Wouldn't it be a great

ideatojustwritethestoryandthensubmitittothem?Itmighthaveamuchgreater
effectonthemthanjusttellingthem'ohIhavethisstoryIwanttowritethatIhaven't
actuallystartedyet.'Whatdoyouthink?"

"Thisjournalismthingisyourforte.Youdecideexactlywhatyouwanttodoandget

backtome."

"Sure will." He said with a smile. I have to admit, his smile was quite cute. He

handedmyIDtome,andIquicklyshoveditintomypursebeforehechangedhismind
anddecidedtouseitasransom.Iwasquitesurprisedhegaveitbacktome.Iwashalf-
expectinghimtoholdontoituntilIwasreadytoagreetohisproposition.

"Thereisonemorething,Alexa."
"What?"
"Promiseyou'llanswermyquestion."
"Dependsonwhatitis."
"You told me something happened to make you quit hooking. Would it be

appropriate if I asked you to tell me? I really want to know what could have
traumatizedyousobadly."

"Why?"
"Because, weird and quite unbelievable as this might sound, I actually do want to

know.Itmusthavebeenquitetraumatizingifitmadeyouleaveandit'sstillhaunting
yousobadly,thenithastobesomethingreallyserious.Ireallydowanttoknow."

"Foryourjournalisticpleasuresorjustbecause."
"Notjustbecause.BecauseIactuallydocare.Whathappenedtoyou?"
"It'snotsomethingthatIliketodiscusswithstrangers."
"Rightnow,Iamastrangerbutsoon,we'dbeworkingtogether,andwewouldbe

kindoffriends."

"Kindoffriends?"Iaskedwitharaisedeyebrow.
"Fine, acquaintances maybe. But that's not my point. My point is, we would be

spending a lot of time with each other, and you seem like a really nice person. And
there's the fact that I really would like to know. You know what they say about a
problemshared."

Isighed.Ihadn'ttoldanyoneaboutthisinawhileandeventhoughIdidn'tknow

thismanthatwell,Ikindofagreedwithhimthatitmighthelptotellsomeone.Ihave
carriedthisonforsolong,andithurtslikehelltohavetocarryallofthisweightalong
with me. I needed to get it off my head and my mind if I wanted to make enough
moneytobeabletogotocollege.Ireallyneededthismoneyandmysanityaswell.

"So?"heprodded.
"It happened a year ago." Memories of that night flooded my head, and my heart

startedtobeatviolentlyinmychest.Iheavedadeepbreath,andinsteadofiteasingmy
discomfort,itmadeitevenworse.IcouldscarcelybreatheasIfeltahandaroundmy
neck,squeezingittightly.Raisingmyhandtomyneck,Itriedtoprythehandsonmy
neck,butIfeltnothing.OnlythendidIrealizethatthehandssqueezingthehelloutof
mythroatwerejustimaginary.Itwasnothingbutthememoriesofthatnight.

Closing my eyes was a terrible idea as it only made the memories even stronger.

Thesmellofboozefilledmynostrils,chokingme.Sweatcoveredmywholebody,andI
startedtoshakeslightly.IthoughtIcoulddothisbutIcouldn't.Thiswastoomuchfor
me.

"Areyoualright?"Dylan'svoiceseepedintomybadepisode.
"I…Idon'tfeelsogood."
"Breathe,Alexa,breathe.You'llbefine.Justbreathe.Ifyoudon'tfeeluptothis,you

canstoprightnow."

Iwantedto.Ireallywantedto,butIchosenotto.Thisthinghashadaholdonme

forayearnow,takingeverysinglestrengthIhad.Thememorieswerewinning,andI
didn'tlikeitonebit.Icouldn'taffordtoletitwinanymore.Iwasstrongerthanthis."I
wasononeofmyusualroundswhenithappened.Amandroveuptomeandsaidhe
wanted me for the night. He was willing to pay far more than any one of my clients
everpaid.Iwashappy.Ecstatic,infact.Thismoneywouldgoalongwayinboosting
mysavings.SoIwenttoafriendofmineandtoldherwhereIwasgoingafteragreeing
withtheman.

"She seemed to think it was an absolutely terrible idea to go with him for some

reason. I didn't know; I thought she was just jealous. I really needed the money to
completemytuition,soitseemedlikethebestideaatthetime.SoIshutherup,andI
headedstraightforhiscar.Ishouldhaveknownsomethingfunnywasabouttohappen
whenhepulleduptothisreallyfancylookinghotel.ButIdidn't.Thatwouldn'tbethe
firsttimeIwastakentosuchamagnificentplace.

"I thought it was just my luck that I had landed such a big fish. I thought that if I

playedmycardsright,maybeIcouldgetalotmorefromhimandnotonlywouldIbe
abletotopupmysavingsfortuition,Iwouldbeabletohavealittleextraleft.Iwas
wrong."

Iclosedmyeyesasthememoriesofthatnightrushedatme.Ishouldn'tbecauseit

made them stronger, but I did all the same. I couldn't help it. Keeping my eyes open
wasn'tgoingtostopthemanyway.IwaslostinthemomentandhadnoideawhereI
was anymore. As far as I knew, I was back in that hotel room. It all felt like it was
happeningrightthenandthere.

ThenightmarecamejustafterIsleptwithhim.AsIwasgettingoffthebed,Iheardthe

dooropen,andIglaredathim,askingifhewasexpectinganyone.BeforeIcouldanswer,
anothermancameinandimmediatelystartedtoundress.Themanwhopickedmewas

casuallyleavingtheroomlikeitwassupposedtobeanormalthing.Iaskedhimwherehe
thoughthewasgoingandwhatwasgoingonandallhesaidwaswhatdidIthinkwas
goingon.

That was when what these bastards had planned dawned on me. Before I could

respond, yet another man came in. I immediately jumped off the bed and grabbed my
dress.

"You'reallcrazyifyouthinkI'mgoingtosleepwithyouall,"Isaidandstartedtopull

mydressovermyhead.Ididn'tbotherwithmybra.

TheystaredatmeinamusementasIpulledonthedressandstartedtowardthedoor.

Theonebythedoorgrabbedmebymyarminavice-likegripandpushedmebackinthe
directionIwascomingfrom.

"Letmego!"Icried.
"Wecaneitherdothistheeasywayorthehardway."Theonewhopickedmeupsaid.
"Fuckyou!"
"Thehardwayitis,"hereplied,andbeforeIcouldreact,theothertwomenrushedat

me.

IwasstrugglingandthrashingastheypushedmebackroughlyuntilIhitthebed.My

fightingdidn'tstopthem.Itseemedlikeitwasexcitingtheminstead.Theonewhopicked
meupjoinedthemintryingtopinmetothebedwhileoneofthemtookhispantsoff.I
continuedtokickattheairuntilmyfootconnectedwithflesh.Themanhowled,andIfelt
alittlevictorious.IfIcouldjustcontinuefighting.Thethoughthadnotcompletelyformed
in my mind when I heard a smack and the searing pain of bone meeting flesh coursed
throughme.Icriedinpainastheblowtomyfacecausedmymouthtostartbleeding.I
feltthemetallictasteofbloodinmymouth.

Itriedtokickathimagain,andIfeltanotherblowtomyface,thistimeharder.Ahand

grabbedmebythethroat,andanotherstartedtotearatmydress.Theforceonmythroat
gotevenharderasIfeltthechilloftheaironmybreast.Twopairsofhandspinnedmy
armstothebedoneitherside,andthemangrabbingmythroatsatastrideme,stopping
mefromkickingathim.LikeIevenhadthestrengthto.Theconstrictiononmythroatwas
makingitincreasinglyhardertodoanything.

Theoneastridemepushedmylegsapartwithhiskneeandforcedhimselfintome.I

groaned in pain as he pounded on inside me, still squeezing my throat. The stench of
alcohol and sweat invaded my nostrils as I struggled to breathe. He momentarily
releasedmythroat,buthewasbackatitagainsoonafterward.Hottearsspilledfromthe
sidesofmyeyesasIfelthimstillwithinme.

Heslippedoffmebutnotwithouthittingmeonelasttime.Iwastooweaktofight.They

probablysensedittoo,becauseIfelttheirgriparoundmywristsslacken.Isawthatas
my opportunity. I pulled my hand from the grip and grabbed a bedside lamp. Without
thinking,Ismashedthelampagainsttheonestillholdingmyhandandrolledoffthebed
beforetheotherscouldreact.Ihadnoideawherethestrengthwasfrom.Thelampstillin
hand, I grabbed the bed sheet and brandished the lamp as I backed out of the door.
Fortunatelyforme,theydidn'tchaseaftermeforwhateverreasonitwastheyhad.The
stares that followed me as I left the hotel wrapped in just a bed sheet were not what
botheredme.Itwasthedignitythathadbeentornfromme.

ImanagedtofinishtellingDylanthestorywithoutatearescaping.

"OhmyGod!I'msosorry."Hesaidtome.
"Youdon'thavetobe.Ibroughtitonmyself."

D Y L A N

sighed and pushed my coffee mug further back on my desk as I sat in my cubicle

thinking about last night. My entire being is occupied by nothing but Alexa, and
nothing in the office excited me. It's not like there was anything to excite me here
anymore.Noonerespectedmehere.Alltheysawwasthebumthatcouldn'tcomeup
withagoodstory.Thepatheticbunchtheywere.Itwasnottheirfault.Ididn'tblame
themonebit.ItwasmyfaultfornotlivinguptotheaspirationsIhadformyself.

Butthatwasbesidethepoint.
Alexa'sstorylastnighthadtouchedmemorethanIthoughtitwould.ThatIwasstill

thinking about it right now, instead of copy editing the crappy article I had been
saddledwith,wasenoughproofofthefact.Howcouldanyonebesoutterlycruelasto
takeadvantageofayoung,fragilegirl?

SohereIwasatmydesk,thinkingofthebestpossiblewaytotellPaula,theeditor-

in-chiefofmyidea.GiventhefactthatIhadn'texactlybeenatmybestoflate,Ididn't
knowifanyonewouldtakemeseriously.Butthenagain,Icouldonlytry,right?

I pushed my chair back, rose off of it, and started to walk toward Paula's office

slowly.Thisplacewasmyhaven.Thesoundsofthetappingkeysonthekeyboard,the
constanthummingofpeople,therushtogetaqualityjobinbeforethenextprintwas
out;allofthesethingswerewhatmademefeelathomehere.Icouldn'tthinkofdoing
anything else but writing. Unfortunately, if I got fired here, I had very little chances
elsewhere.OrsoIthought.IneededtomakeonestopfirstbeforeIwenttoPaula.

"Chris!"IsaidasIenteredintomyfriend'scubicle.
ChriswastheonlytruefriendIhadhere.ImethimwhenIcameherefreshasan

intern. He was working here freelance then as a photographer. How he got into the
systemeventually,Idon'tknow,butthenagainheisreallygoodatwhathedoes,soI'm
notsurprised.Chrisrantheentertainmentbeatnow.Westartedoutjusthangingout
every other evening for drinks and then every other weekend for soccer or football.
Andtherest,theysaywashistory.

"Hey,Dylan.What'sup?"
"Could be better. What's up with you….and your mess?" I said, pointing at his

disorganizeddesk.

"Weareawesome,thankyou.Messsayshi."
Ilaughed.HowintheworldChriscouldmanagetodealwithallthemesshecreated

andliveinitwaswhatIneverwouldunderstand.Therewashardlyadayonewentto
hiscubiclethathisdeskwasn'tcoveredinonelevelofdisarrayortheother.Today,he
wasdealingwithnewspaperclippings,stickynotes,andpictures.

"Ireallydon'tunderstandhowyou'reabletodealwithallofthis.Howdoyoueven

findanythinghere?"

"Thereisanarrangementtomychaos.Orderinmydisorder.Thankyouforyour

concern."

"Don't you think you should get someone to clean up this mess? It's an eyesore,

Chris.Trustme,itis."

"Thatisn'tgoingtohappen.Anddon'tyoudarethinkofbringingsomeonein.What

youseeismessbutwhatIseeismythingsperfectlyarrangedhowIwantthemtobe.
Ask me to bring out anything, and I will find it within the twinkling of an eye.
Rearrangethisplace,andIwon'tfindshit."

I didn't doubt his word on this. I've dared him one too many times before and he

actuallywasabletofindwhateverwhatIaskedfor.Evenifitwasapin.

"Sowhatbringsyouhere?"heasked.
"I…I wanted to run something by Paula, and I thought I should probably tell you

aboutitfirst.Youknow,getyouropinionandallbeforeIgoseetheboss."

"Hmm.Here?OrshouldwejustheadouttoLouie's?"
Louie'swasthebarweallhungoutatwhenworkwastakingatollonusorwhen

therewashotjuicygossip.Thebarwaslikeasortofrendezvouspointforjournalists.
Wehungoutthereandsharedstories,tips,andwhatnot.Theplussidetoallofthiswas
thatLouie'sservedamazingmealsinadditiontotheatmosphereitprovided.

"Louie'ssoundlikeagreatidea.You'repaying."Isaidandstartedtoheadoutofthe

cubicle.

"Dude,Ipayallthetime."Chrisprotested.
"I'llpaynexttime."
"Andyousaythatallthetime.Yourtomorrownevercomes."
"That'sbecauseI'mbroke."
"Yoursisalostcause.I'mpayingformydrinkonly.Grababottleofwaterfromthe

kitchenandmeetmeatLouie's."Chrissaidandwalkedawayfrommewithoutlooking
back.

I laughed and tried to catch up with him. I guess I should pay for the drinks this

timeseeingasIwasthereasonhewasgoingthereinthefirstplace.Iwasabletocatch
up with him before the elevator door closed, and we rode down in the midst of a
chatteringgroupofpeoplethatseemedexcitedaboutsomethingIcouldn'tquiteplace.
Ineverpaidattentiontowhatanyonewassayingintheelevator.TheinstantIgotin,I
tunedthemout.Ifoundtheloudnessofsomepeopleintheelevatorquiteannoying.

WhenwegottoLouie'stheplacewasquitedeserted.Iwasn'tsurprised.Itwasjust

about10amandpeopleweresupposedtobebusywiththeirworkandwhatnot.Idida
quickscantoseeiftherewasanyoneIknewaround.Noonethatwouldrequiremeto
wastetimefakingsmilesandtryingtomakeconversation,thankfully.

ChrisandIfoundaboothfarfromthefewpeoplearoundandslidin.
"So what's up? I suggested Louie's because I assume this is about some important

idea you have. The last thing we want right now is someone listening in and stealing

youridea."

I smiled. Chris knew everything about my situation, and I was touched by his

reaction.

"Yeah,itis.IhadanideaforastoryIwanttowrite,butIneedyoutotellmeifit's

goodornotbeforeIgoaheadtoPaula."

"Sowhat'sthisPulitzer-winning…?"Chrisstoppedasthewaitressarrivedatourtable

withourusual,amartiniforChrisandscotchontherocksforme."Whatifwewanted
somethingdifferent,Maya?"Chrissaidplayfully.

"Then you're going to have to drink this, pay for it and order the other one you

want.OrIdrinkthemboth,andyoustillpay."Sheteasedback.

"Hi,Maya,"Isaidtoher.
"Hi,Dylan.Sowhichdoyouguyspick?"
"Oh,getoutofhere,"Chrissaidinjest,andMayaleftusinpeace."So?"
"Imetsomeoneyesterday."Istartedtosay.
"Ohcomeon,Man!Thisisaboutachicandnotaboutwork?"
"Would you calm the fuck down and listen to me, man? I was at a bar last night

thinking about my situation when this girl walks up to me and starts to hit on me. I
turnherdown,andassheleaves,someonebumpsintoher."

"Can we get to the part that has anything to do with your idea, Dylan? I have a

deadline."

"Fine.Iwasthinkingofdoingastoryabouther.She'sahooker."
Chrisstaredatmeblankly."Seriously?Youwanttodoastoryaboutherbecauseshe

isahooker?Areyoukiddingme?It'sagoodthingyoudecidedtorunthisbymefirst."

"AndshegoestoStanford,"Isaid,andIwatchedasChrisnearlychokedonhisdrink.

"Yeah,buddy.ShegoestoStanford."

"HowdoesahookergettogotoStanfordandIgettogotosomecrappycommunity

collegeinDallas?"

"Thatismypointexactly.Iwanttodoastoryontheotherlivesofthesewomen.

Frommyconversationwithherlastnight,Ihavecometorealizethattheygothrough
somuchandallthatpeopleseethemasisjustahooker.Liketheydon'tdeservesome
ofthefinethingsinlifethatweallcrave.

"Amongst them are people who are doing it to survive; to feed. Some are into it

becausetheyneedtopayforschool,likemyfriendhere.Someareinitbecausethey
havenowayelse.Theyhavebeensoldtosomepimpwhowon'tletthemgountilthey
have'paidalltheyowe.'Thesegirlsgothroughsomuchandwe,wedon'tcareonebit."

"Thatsoundslikesomething."
"Maybemyarticlewouldbelikeanexposeofsortsabouttheirlives.Thesegirlsare

beaten,raped,abused,used,starved—theevilthingstheygothroughareunthinkable.
One would think that some of them are happy with the life they lead, but that is not
actuallywhatishappening.Takemysubject,forinstance;shestartedthisbecauseshe
wantedabetterlife.Shewantedtogotoschoolandbecomeasuccess.Shewasliving
with a roommate who fell ill and could no longer contribute to the bills. When the
landlordcameaskingfortherent,shedidn'thaveit.Heofferedhertopaywithsexual
favors.Eventually,sheagreed,andthatwasjustthebeginningofmonthsofhooking."

"Nottosoundjudgmentalorimpersonaloranythingbutyoursubjecthasheardof

suchathingasstudentloansright?Andscholarships?"

"Sometimes, things can be a little more complicated than we see. But this was the

onlywayshecouldsurvive,soshegrabbedthatopportunityandcontinuedtolivethat
life."

"Soundslikeareallygoodideatome.ButPaulawouldneedsomethingmorethan

just a cause to help us see hookers in a better light. There has to be something
intriguingaboutyoursubject."

"OtherthanthefactthatshehasaCGPAof4.0andsheisdoingamazinglywellin

schooldespitethefactthatpeoplewhotakehertobedseeherasnothing?"

"4.0.Impressive.Butyeah.Otherthanthefactthatsheissmartandislookinglike

sheisquiteafighter."

"But she is a fighter. She quit for a while after a terrible experience. But she's

thinkingofgoingbackbecauseshecan'taffordtuitionanymore."

"Nowthat'sthecardyou'llplaywithPaula."
"Whatcard?"Iasked,confused.
"Alloftheabove.WhatyouaregoingtoselltoPaulais'ThesecretlifeofaHooker'."

A L E X A

pairofhandstuggedatmyduvetinanattempttowakemeupfromsleep.Iwasnot

readytoacceptdefeat,soIturnedtheotherwayandwrappedtheduvettighteraround
me.Thehandsdidn'tseemtogiveupeasilyastheycontinuedtotugattheduvetand
hit me every chance they got. A voice yelled my name as the hands kept tugging. At
thispoint,thevoicewasashock,soIjumpedupwithastart.Myheadstartedtopound
almostimmediately.Patrice,afriendofmine,wasglaringdownatmelikeIhadjust
killedhercat.

"Alexa,getup!"shesaid.
"OhGod!Patrice,whatisit?!"Irepliedgrudgingly.
"I can't believe you're still in bed. What time did you get in last night?" she asked

withalookIamsuredoesnotportrayhalfthedisgustthatshefeltrightthen.

"Andwhyisyourplacesuchamess?"
ForthefirsttimesinceIwokeup,Iactuallytookagoodlookatmyapartment.
'Mess'wasnotthewordthatdescribedthisplace.Emptybeercans,halfeatenboxes

of chips, pizza, and ice-cream littered different parts of the room. The dress I wore
yesterdaywassprawledonthefloorsomedistancefrommybed.Oneshoewasright
bymysideonthebed,andtheotherwasnowheretobefound.

Ijumpedoffthebedthinkingsomeonebrokeintomyflatlastnightanddecidedto

party while I was asleep. Probably not even one person because this mess looked
nothinglikeamesscreatedbyjustoneperson.OhmyGod!AndIsleptthroughallof
this,Ithoughttomyself.Immediatelymyfeettouchthefloor,itfeltlikemyheadwas
abouttobesplitinhalf.Atthatmoment,Irealizedthiswasdonebynobodybutme.I
didthisallbymyself,andtheheadacheisapainfulreminderofwhatIdidwhenIgot
homelastnight.

AfterIhadtoldDylanaboutwhathappenedthatnight,Ifeltaweightliftoffofmy

chest.Itwasasthoughtheexperiencehadturneditselfintoatonofcementandhad
decided to sit there. That night was the worst day of my life, yet I could tell no one
aboutit.Notthecops,notmycolleagues—notthepimps.Ifeltashamedandangryat
myselfforlettingthathappentome.

I had been filled with so many questions that I couldn't answer. How could I not

haveseenthesigns?HadIbeentooblindedbythemoneytoseethatthisguydefinitely
had something up his sleeve? Had I somehow attracted him to me? Had I been the

reason for the bad things they did and almost did to me? For a whole year, I was
plaguedbythesequestionsandalotmoreself-doubt.

ThetraumaaffectedmesomuchsothatIdidn'tevenwanttostepfootoutofthe

house,muchlessgobacktowork.Ittookawhile,butIstartedtogooutgradually.

Work was what I decided never to go back to. I could never let myself go to that

extent.Icouldneverletanymantouchmeforeventhemostplatonicofexcuses,let
aloneactuallysleepwithme.

Luckily,Ihadsavedupenoughformytuitionandaccommodations.Allthatwasleft

wasmyupkeep,andthatdidn'tseemlikethatmuchofaproblem.Icouldhavegone
hometomyfamily,butIdidn'twantto.ThatwastheverylastthingIcoulddo.

SoIdecidedtogetacoupleofpart-timejobstotidemyselfover.
Toanextent,Isucceeded.Ipaidmytuitionandgotarelativelycheapapartment.I

used the extra on top of accommodations to eat for a while until I got a job at a
restaurantnottoofarfrommyplace.Everythingwasgoingfine.Untiltherealization
thatitwasalmosttimeforanothertuition.Itwasaharddecision,butseeingasthere
wasnootherway,Ihadtogobacktomyoldways.

Dylanhadbeensympathetictomycause.Hehadlistenedlikehewasafriendandit

felt good to finally share. But along with the lightness came a kind of emptiness and
sadness.Itwasasthoughtellingithadmademeloseapartofme.Idesperatelyneeded
something to drink. So we had gone back to the bar, totally unmoved by the money
wasted on the room that would see no use, and went back to the room to drink my
sorrowsaway.Idon'trememberhowmuchIchuggeddown,butIrememberedDylan
tellingmeIhadmorethanenough.Ididn'tevenbotherarguing.Iheadedhomeand
continued my drinking, only this time accompanied by food. It didn't seem like so
muchlastnight,butnowthatIsawthecarnage,IrealizedhowmuchIindulgedin.

"So?I'mstillwaitingforthatexplanation."Patrice'svoicebrokeintomyreverie.
"Ihaveaterribleheadache,Patrice.Yourvoiceisn'tmakingitanyeasieronme."
"Ohreally?Iguessthiswouldhelpyour'headache'better."Shesaid,walkedtoward

thewindowblinds,andpulledthemapart.

"Oh God! Patrice!" I cried and buried my head in my pillow. "Are you here to

tormentme?Jesus!Nowmyheadandeyesachelikehell."

"Thatwillteachyoutonotgetdrunkagain."
"Huh,Patrice,"Isaidraisingmyheadfromunderthepillow,myeyesgettingalittle

accustomed to the light, "It doesn't actually work like that, you know? This whole
lessonthingnevercrossesanyone'smindwhentheydecidetoindulgeagain."

"Don'tsassme,younglady."
"Oh Christ, Patrice. You're not my mom. Or anyone's at that. So quit the act. Why

areyouheresoearlyanyway?"

"Soearly?"Patricesaidwithawickedchuckle."Youdon'tknow,doyou?It's1pm,

madam." She said, and my eyes grew wild. Seeing the opportunity, she decided to
capitalizeon my misery. "Whichmeans, dear, that youmissed about two classes and
onetest."

"OhGod!"Igroaned."Whydidn'tyoucallme?"
"Your phone kept on ringing, and no one answered. Honestly, I was scared. I

thought something had happened to you seeing as you've been so quiet of late, so I

decidedtocheckonyou.ThankGodyou'reonlydrunk,notdead."

"Argh!!!Ididn'tknowIdranksomuch."
"Nooneeverdoesuntilthemorningafter."
"What am I going to do?! I can't go and see Professor Williams in this state! What

excusewouldIgive?He'dsmelltheliquorfromtheminuteIstepintotheuniversity
premises.WhatamIgoingtodo?!"Icried.

"First off, clean this pig sty and your dirty self. And when you are done, we'll find

you something to eat. You don't get to see Professor Williams until the day after
tomorrow."

"I don't think I understand how seeing the professor the day after tomorrow is

supposedtobegoodforme.Ijustmissedafuckingtest!"

"Ispoketohimimmediatelyafterthetest.Isortoftoldhimyoucamedownwith

somethingandhadtobeadmittedtothehospital.Hesaysyoucanseehimonceyou
get better. I don't think he would believe our story if you showed up looking great
tomorrow.And,you'rewelcome."

"Wow!Thanks,Patrice."Isaidandrushedtohugher.
"God! I think we need to change the order of your tasks. You need to brush and

washupfirst.Yourbreathstinks,"shesaidandcoveredhernose.

"It'snotthatbad,Patrice.Stopbeingsuchadramaqueen."Iretortedandstartedto

pickupsomeofthetrashonthefloor.

"Oh,dear.Trustme,itis.It'snotbad,it'sterrible.Takemyword."Sherepliedand

joined in picking up the cans and discarded cartons. "Why exactly is there half of
everything again? I thought people actually finished one thing before moving to
another."

"Notwhenyou'reinamassivedepressivestate.Sometimesyourcravingscomeone

atatime,othertimes,theyjustrushatyouwithoutgivingaflyingrat'sass.Ihadthat
yesterday.Ikeptfeelinglikeeatingonethinganddecidingitisn'tgoodenoughwhenI
hadjustsomeofit.Thenanothercravingcomesupandthenthecirclecontinues."

"Whyexactlyareyoudepressed?YouwerefinewhenIleftyouyesterday."
"I looked like I was," I said and dropped the trash I picked up on the small coffee

table.Isatdownnexttoit.

"Lookedlike?What'sup,Alexa?"
"Igottothinkingagainiswhat.Ineedtofindawaytoraisemytuition.SoIwent

backout."

"Went back out?" Patrice asked with a confused look on her face. "I don't follow.

Wentbackoutwhere?"

"Iwentbacktothestreets,"Irepliedtoher,myshamenearlychokingmyvoice.
Patrice knew everything about me. Including my not so great past. I revealed

everythingaboutmylifeonenightwedidshotstogether.Ithadbeenaveryemotional
day,andIneededsomeonetotalkto.Theliquorwasjustthegreasetokeepmetalking.
Wehavetalkedaboutthisoncebefore,andherdisdainformygoingback,especially
whenItoldherwhyIstoppedwasveryclearthedaywespoke.

"Oh my God, Alexa!" she cried. "We talked about this and how it's such a terrible

idea.Whywouldyouevengoback?!"

"No.YoutalkedabouthowitwouldbesuchaterribleideaandhowIshouldn'tdo

this.ItoldyouhowIhavenootherchoicebuttodothis.They'retwodifferentthings."

"Oh for crying out loud, Alexa! You have a million and one choices. Too many in

fact.Butofallthechoicesyoucouldpickfrom,youdecidedthisoneisbest?"

"Becauseitisbest!Look,Patrice,Idon'thavethestrengthtofightyouonthisone.I

swear I can't deal with a fight right now. Just trust me when I say this is my best
option."

"Idon'twanttofighteither,Alexa,butIneedtotellyouthetruth.That'swhyIam

yourfriend.Youknowtheotheralternativesyouhaveevenifstudentloansareoutof
it,butyoudon'twanttoexploretheotheroptions."

"Patrice!"Istartedtocomplain.
"Why now, though? We're not even halfway through this session, and you're

botheredwithbillsforthenext."

"BecauseIdon'twanttobestrandedwhenit'stime.Ihavetostartworkingtowardit

nowbeforeIreallyneedit."

"Butit'sjustoneday,andithasdrivenyoutodrink.Whatwouldhappeneveryday?

You'llbecomeanalcoholic!"

"I didn't do anything this time. I couldn't bring myself to. Besides, the man I met

wantedsomethingelse."

"Hewantedtotakeadvantageofyouagain?"
"No.He'sajournalist.Hewantstowriteaboutme."
"Heknowsabout…."
Iinterruptedherbeforeshecouldcompleteherstatement."No.Hewantstowrite

aboutthehookerthatgoestoStanford."

"Wouldn'tthatdrawattentiontoyou?"
"Hewon'tbeusingmyname."
"Isthatagoodidea?"
"I don't know. It seemed like it last night. Nothing is set in stone yet. He wants to

speak to his editor first before he gets back to me. I told him about those men that
night."

"Isn't that an awful lot to tell someone you just met? Especially seeing as he's a

journalistandall?"

"Idon'tknow.Maybeit'stimeIstartedtalkingaboutmyself."

D Y L A N

aulawasoneofthenicest,yetscariestpeopleIknew.Howshemanagedtoswitch

between her two personalities always beat me. Chris and I sometimes joked around
withthefactthatshewasprobablypullingaJekyllandHydeoneveryoneintheoffice.
We however never joked around with that kind of stuff when the office crowd was
around.ChrislikedthefactthatPauladidn'tseemtohaveaproblemwithhimandI,on
theotherhand,wasnotreadytolosemyjob.Mypositionherewashangingbyjusta
thinstrand.

Sittinginheroffice,IwashopingandprayingthatitwasthenicePaulaIgottomeet

today. I was bursting with positive energy this afternoon. Talking to Chris and going
overtheideauntilitwasalmostperfectwasagoodidea,afterall.Paula'sofficewasa
sharp contrast to Chris' cubicle. Everything was perfectly arranged in the right place,
had been since she started working here as the interim Editor-in-chief three months
ago;booksintheshelveswerearrangedfirstbyheight,thenbytheirtitles—thestackof
our magazines were arranged by what seemed to be colors as opposed to dates—the
MacBooksatinthemiddleofeverythingelsewithjustaboutenoughspaceforittolook
likeitwasanislandofsorts.

Thewallsherewerepaintedwhite,whichcomplementedthehueashfurniturein

the room. This place reeked of a perfectionist's taste, and that was exactly what the
owneroftheofficewas—aperfectionist.Itwaswhatmadehersodamnedgoodather
job.

Paulaneverleftastoneunturnedwhenitcametoourworkaroundhere.
Sometimes, she stayed up all night, going through every one of the articles that

weresupposedtogotoprintforthenexteditionevenaftertheeditorshadreadandre-
read. From the planning phase to actualization, to follow-up, Paula always worked
towardperfection.

WhichwaswhythisideaIwasabouttopitchtoherhadtobejustthat.Itwasahuge

surprisethatshehadn'tfiredmeyet.Iwashalf-expectingwhenshecalledmeintoher
officetheotherdaythatshewasabouttothrowmeunderthebus.

ReliefandshockwashedovermewhenIrealizeditwasjustawarningformeand

nottheactualfiring.Ijusthopeifshedoesn'tbuytheideaitdoesn'tremindherofthe
factthatshewassupposedtofiremethelasttime.

SomuchdependedonthisandIcouldn'temphasizeitenough—myjob,mycareer,

my life and now someone else's life. I could feel Alexa's pain as she spoke to me
yesterday.Shewasobviouslyshaken,anditmademewonderifthiswasthefirsttime
she was talking to someone about this or if she wasn't taken seriously when she
reportedittothepolice.Ihaveheardofcaseslikethatwhereeventhepolicethinkthe
girldeserveditorsomeoneaskedforitwhenahookerwasraped.

Havingherstoryoutinprintwouldnotonlyhelpher,butitwouldalsobeasource

ofmotivationtosomeoftheothergirls.

Paulawasstillspeakingtosomeoneonthephone,andthatgavemeenoughtimeto

collect my thoughts. She raised her hand, waved slightly, and rolled her eyes at the
phoneinanattempttoapologizeforthedelay,andInoddedinresponseasiftosayI
understoodperfectlyhowannoyingitwastotalktowhoeveritwasshewastalkingto.
Paulascribbledsomethingonhernotepadandtoldthepersonsheunderstood,butshe
also needed the person to understand where she was coming from. After rolling her
eyesagain,shetoldthepersontomakesureshegotintouchiftherewasanythingshe
coulddo.

"I'mreallysorryforthat.Somepeoplejustdon'tunderstandhowimportantsome

thingsaresometimes."Shesaidbywayofapologyandsighedinwardly.It'snicePaulaI
wasmeetingwithtoday."It'squitefrustratingwhenyouneedcertainthings,andthey
don'tseemtoknowhowimportanttimingis."

"SomethingIcanhelpoutwith?"
"Whatisthebestgifttobuytoapologizeforforgettingyourownanniversary?"
Sheasked,andIsighedinwardly.Thankgoodness,itwasnicePaula."Iwassobusy

withworkherethatItotallyforgotthedate.Inmydefense,Ididn'tforgetthedate.I
just forgot that that date was supposed to fall on a particular day. You understand,
right?"

"Ido.Ithappenstothebestofus.It'sperfectlyunderstandable."
"Andhe'ssupposedtobeintownthisafternoon.Iwastryingtobookatableathis

favoriterestauranthereinSanFrancisco,buttheladysaystheyareallbookedup.That
isthefourthtimeI'mcallingtoday.It'ssofrustrating.NowIhavetothinkofthenext
bestapologygift,andIhatetoadmit,Isuckatthingslikethis.Ihavenoideawhatto
getforhim."

"Howlonghaveyoubeenmarried?"
"It'sourfirstanniversary."
"And you can't remember him mentioning something that he would give

everythingtohave?"

"There is one thing I honestly don't think that is possible, so I'll be sticking to the

nextbestthing—food."

"Whatrestaurantisityouwanttobookatableat?"
"It'sFourPoints."
Isatbackandtried myhardestnotto smile.Ididn'twantto besmug.Afriend of

minewasthechefatFourPoints,andhewouldgiveanythingtohavemeowehimone.

Thisseemedlikeaworthyenoughcausetobeinhisdebtfor,andIammorethan

certainthatAdrianwouldbeabletodosomethingforme.

"Imightbeabletohelp,"Isaid."Myfriendisthechefthere,andheowesmeone,"I

added,twistingthetruthabit.Hereyeswidened,andIsawIhadgottenherattention.

"AdrianandIgowayback."

"Oh you do?" she asked. I am almost sure she was resisting the temptation to ask

howintheworldIknewsomeonelikethatwhenIwaspracticallyscumoftheearth.I
don'tbothertotellherthatAdrianwasmorethanjustafriendandthathewasactually
my cousin. I would have gone running to him, but I didn't like to suck up to family
whenthingswentsouth.Itdidn'tdowellformyego.

"I do. I can call him when I get back to my cubicle. I didn't bring my phone with

me."

"Youcanusemineifyoumaybehavethenumberwrittendownsomewhere."She

saideagerly."Isoundtoopushy,right?Thereisnowayyou'llhavehisnumberwritten
onyourpersonifhe'sjustafriend."

"Iactuallyknowhisnumber,"Isaidanddrewthephonecloser.Idialedhismobile

numberandwaitedforhimtoanswer.

"Chef Adrian is not available now. Can you call him later?" a woman's voice

answered.Irecognizeditasoneofhissouschef's.

"Hi,Lola.It'sDylan.TellAdrianitisveryimportantIspeakwithhim."
"Have you finally knocked up one of those girls you seem to always have around

you?"

"Lola,stopfoolingaround.Ihaven'tknockedanyoneup,"Isaidandlookedtoward

Paulawhowasnowstaringatme."CouldyoujustgetAdrian?Andwhatareyoudoing
withhismobilephone?"

"Noneofyourbusiness,"sherepliedtome,andIheardhercalltomycousin.
"He'shere."
ThenextvoiceIheardwasAdrian's."Cuz!"
"Adrian!What'sup?"
"I'mgood.What'sthisaboutyouknockingsomebodyup?"
"Adrian,Ihaven'tknockedanyoneup.WhatIneedisatableatyourrestaurantfor

someone.Tablefortwo."

"Dylan,thewholeplaceisbookeduptodayfromwhatIhear.Andsincewhendid

youstartflauntingthefactthatyou'rebuddieswiththechef?Thisonemustbepretty
special."

"Adrian,I'mflauntingnothing.Mybossandherhusbandloveyourrestaurant,and

they want a table to celebrate their wedding anniversary. So could you please whip
somethingup?I'msureyoucandosomething.It'squiteimportant."

"Oh.Yourboss.That'simportant.Wedon'twantyouanybrokerthanyouarenow

andifyouloseyourjob,that'swhat'dhappen.Iseewhatthisis.Butteringthebossso
shecangoeasyandnotfireyourass.Ithoughtyoudidn'tliketokissass."

"Adrian,remindmetokillyouwhenIseeyou.That'snotwhatthisis."Isaidinto

thephoneandhopedPauladidn'taskwhatthiswas."Arewegame?"

"Yeahsure,man.Anytime.I'lldosomethingforher.Havethemcomeinby8."
"Oh,thanks,man.Iappreciate."
"Anytimecuz.Nowyouowemeone."
"Whateverman,"Isaidandendedthecall.IturnedtoPaulaimmediately."Hesays

hecanhelp.Yourreservationisfor8."

"OhmyGod!That'sgreat.Ireallyappreciatethis."

"You'rewelcome.I'mgladIcouldhelp."
"Sowhatdidyouwanttoseemefor?"
"I…um…I came to pitch a story to you. Something that means a lot and I want to

workon."

"Okayandthatis?Oh,canIaddthatIwon'tbelettingmyjudgmentbecloudedby

thefavoryoujustdidme?Thefavorispersonal.Thisiswork.Okay?Ijusthadtoclear
theair."

"Sure.Iwasn'ttryingtokissasswiththefavor.Ijustgenuinelyfelttheneedtohelp.

Which is why I want to write this story; because I know it can help a lot of people.
What'syourtakeonhookers?"

Paula looked at me as if I have gone mad. I was expecting that reaction. So I

continued to speak. "Your reaction just now is the same as that of so many other
people.Someevengototheextentofimmediatelydemeaningthesewomen.Theyfeel
they'reuptonogoodandthey'reaworthlessgroupwhodoitjustbecausetheywantto
bepromiscuousorsomethinglikethat.WhatifItoldyouthereismoretothemthan
meetstheeye?WhatifIsaidthatsomeoftheseladiesareinthislineofworkbecause
theyfeelthey'venochoice?Becauseit'stheonlythingtheyknow?"

"Iwouldn'tbesurprised."
"Youwouldn'tbe.Alotofotherswouldbe.Peopleseethesmileontheoutsideand

feel they know everyone's story. That they can instantly tell the person's life history
justbecausetheystandonthestreets,sellingtheirbodiesformoney."

"Soyou'reonsomecrusader'smissiontofightforhookers?"
"No. I am on a mission to help people with my pen. Help people see that there's

more to them than just their profession. That they can be something other than just
hookers.Thattheycanbegreatinlife.Andalsototellwhoevercarestoreadamongst
thesehookersthattheirlivesdon'thavetobejustlikethat.Thattheycanaspiretodo
more,seemore…bemore."

"Hmm.Soundsgood.Buthowdoyouplantodothat?Justwithyourwords?Idon't

thinkyouwouldbemakingthatmuchofanimpactsinceyoudon'tleadthatlife.Or,do
you?"

"Withmypenandthewordsofsomeonewholedthatkindoflife."
"Led?"
"Sheusedtobeahooker.Nowshe'sthinkingofgoingback."
"Whydidshestopinitially?"
"Because she went through what a lot of them go through, but most of us fail to

sympathizewiththemover.Shewasalmostgang-raped."

"DearLord!Andshewantstogobackwhy?"
"Becausesheneedstopayhertuitionfees,"Ireplied.
"Tuition,Idon'tunderstand."
"ShenowgoestoStanford."
"Thisgetsmoreinteresting.AStanfordhooker."
"Exactly.Sheisjustthevoicetheothergirlsneedtomotivatethemtodomorewith

theirlives."

"Ilovethewaythissoundsalready.You'redoinganexposeonhookers."
"Notreally.Iamworkingwithjustoneperson.TheonewhogoestoStanford.I'm

thinking of the by-line being 'The secret life of a Stanford Hooker'. That is if you
approveofcourse."

"Hmm. That by-line doesn't cover it all, but we will work on that much later. We

needyoutogetstartedimmediately."

"Doesthismean…"Istartedtoask,butsheinterrupted.
"Iapprove?Thehellitdoes.Iloveitalready.ButI'mthinkingofitasmorethanjust

a story about one person. I'm looking at meeting other people like her and talking
aboutit.She'sclosetoherhappyending.She'sinschoolalready.Butwhataboutthose
who can't get into school? What happens to them?" she said and jumped out of her
chair.Shestartedtopacehersideoftheroomasshespoke.

"Thisiswonderful,Dylan.Whydidn'tyouthinkofsomethinglikethisbefore?The

warninggearedyouup,didn'tit?CanImeetwiththisStanfordhooker?"

"Huh,Idon'tthinkshe'llwantto.Ispoketoheralready,andsheonlyagreedtodo

thisifheranonymityisguaranteed."

"Shedoesn'tevenwanttomeetwithyourboss?"
"No,shedoesn't.Ifonepersonknowsher,there'saveryhighchancesomeoneelse

will,andthat'showthenumberskeepincreasing.Shedoesn'twanttoriskthat."

"Oh."
"Butifyou'reworriedaboutifsheactuallyexists,Icouldbringyourecordingsand

screenshotsofourmessagesandwhatnot.It'squiteimportanttoherthatheridentity
isnotknown.Otherthan thefactthatthere isherschool,Ihave afeelingthatshe is
runningfromsomethingmore."

"Somethingmore?Likewhat?"
"I have no idea what that could be, but I could feel it when we were speaking

yesterday. It doesn't strike me as normal for her not to take student loans or grants.
Likeifhernamewereinthesystem,it'daffecthersomehow.Idon'tknowforsure,but
withthisprostitutionring,shemightberunningfromapimporsomething.Ormaybe
eventhoseguysthattriedtohurther."

"Well,that'sapossibility,butIdon'tthinkthatshouldmakehersoscared.Herstory

isabouttobeprintedinoneofthebiggestmagazinesinthecountry."

"Whichisexactlywhysheshouldbescared.Peoplemightwanttoshutherup.The

articlemightexposethem."

"We're getting ahead of ourselves here. Let's do it this way. You continue to

interviewher.Startyourstorywithher.Haveregularmeetingsandwhatnot.Idon't
needtoseepicturesorlistentorecordings.Iwanttotrustthatyouwouldn'tbemaking
thisupinadesperateattempttosalvagewhatisleftofyourcareer."

I cringed on the inside as the shade she just sent my way hit home. I didn't say a

word. She was right about one thing. My career was as good as dead. Or rather was.
Nowtherewashopeforit.

"Weneedtoworkonadirectionforthestory.Idon'tknowyet,butIfeelwecando

somethingmorewiththisgoldenopportunity.Ican'tthinkstraightrightnowbecauseI
amexcitedaboutdinnerandalsoaboutthisstory,butIwillthinkaboutitanddevelop
somethingtonight."

"Don'tyouhavedinnerwithyourhusbandtonight?"
"Ohright.Ialmostforgotagain.Thanksforthat."

"You're welcome. Please take your time. We don't want you thinking about work

whenyou'resupposedtobeapologizingoverdinner."

"Rightagain.Butwhateverthecasemaybe,we'llfindawayaroundit.Thisisagreat

story.Maybeevencoverstorymaterial.Icanfeelit!"

"That would be great!" I said, almost breathlessly. My excitement had nearly

knockedthewindoutofme.

Paulawentbacktoherchairandworeareallyseriouslook.Howshecouldmanage

toswitchfromveryexcitabletoseriousalwaysbaffledme.

"Dylan, this is a wonderful idea you brought to me. I'm in love with this story

already.Butthisisjusttheideaofthestory.Imaginewhatitwouldbeliketoreadthe
story,andit'sactuallyaswonderfulastheideaofit.Ifthisstoryisgoingtobeacover
story,Ineedyoutoputyourallintoit.Ineedyoutoworkatthislikeyourlifedepends
onit.

"Yourlifeactuallydependsonitbecauseyourjobishangingbyathreadhere,ifI'm

honest.Weneedyoutobeatyourbesthere.Iwouldgoonalimbandtellyouthatwe
willcoverareasonablepartofyourexpensesforthisproject.Ijustwanttoaskyoufor
onefavor."

"Whichis?"
"Don'tfuckingmessthisup,Dylan.I'veseensomeofthethingsyouhavewrittenin

thepast.Theyaretheonlyreasonyou'restillhere.IcouldhavefiredyoutheminuteI
gothereandsawyourfuckups.Idon'tknowwhathappenedtoyouinbetween,but
youneedtogetbacktothatjournalistyouusedtobe.SoagainIsaythis,Dylan,don't
fuckingmessthisup."

D Y L A N

walkedoutofPaula'sofficewithmixedfeelings.Apartofmewasgladandgrateful

for the fact that I didn't meet a strong wall when I approached Paula, but I was also
terrifiedashellbyherlastwarningtome.Don'tfuckingmessthisup,shehadsaid.The
tonewithwhichshesaiditwasenoughtoputthefearofGodinme.Iwouldn'twantto
eventrytomessthisup.AllIhavetodonowistocallAlexaandletherknowwewere
on.

"Dyl…what's up?" Chris called from behind me. I had apparently been so lost in

thoughts;Ididn'tknowwhenIpassedhiscubicle.

"Chris, I'm sorry. I was lost in thought." I replied to him and walked back to his

cubicle.

"Thatbad,huh?Ithoughtweworkedonitandmadeitperfect.Iwasn'texpecting

hertoripyouapartsomuchsothatyouwouldloseyourownbearing.I'msorryman.I
reallyam."

"What?"Iaskedtotallyconfusedbyhismutterings.
"IsaidIwassorry."
"Aboutwhat?Paulaapprovedthestory."
"Oh!" Chris exclaimed. "That's great! I was so scared with the way you were

behaving.Ithoughtshehadkickedyouout,maybeevenfiredyourassorsomething.
Youscaredme,man."

"Why in the world would you think she was going to fire me? Wait, was that a

possibility?"

"Yup,"Chrissaidwithastraightface.
"Oneyoudidn'tdeemfittotellmebeforeIwentintherefeelinglikeIownedthe

world?"

"Inmydefense,"Chrisstartedtosay,"Itwasforyourowngood.Ididn'twantyou

going in there and doubting yourself. It would've been a great blow to whatever it is
youwantedtosay.Butlookonthebrightside,shedidn'tfireyou,andsheapprovedthe
project."

"Ican'tbelieveyoudidn'ttellme!"
"Don'ttellmethechancesdidn'tcrossyourmind,buddy.Youwould'vethoughtofit

too.Sohowdidshereact?"

"Itwasquitesurprising.Shetotallylovedtheidea.Icouldreaditonherfaceandthe

wayshereactedwhenIexplainedtoherindetail.Shewasn'tfakingitoranythinglike
that.Ihitpaydirtman."

"Itseemsmydearfriendthatyouhaveforgottenwhowearetalkingabout.Whyin

theworldwouldPaulahavetopretendshelikesyourideawhenshedoesn't?"

"I could have sworn despite her warning that she agreed to this because of the

reservation I got her. But the excitement was written all over her face so it can't be
false."

"Reservation?You'velostme,bro."
"She was in the middle of reserving a table at Four Points when I walked into her

office.Theywereapparentlyallbooked,soIhadtocallAdrian."

"YourcousinAdrian?Seriouslyman,what'sthat?I'vebeentryingtogetyoutocall

Adrianformeforawholeyear,andyoudidn'tbecauseyou,inyourwords,'don'tliketo
owefavors.'NowyoudoitforPaula?"

"Tobeveryhonest,youaren'tasimportanttomeasPaulaisrightnow."
"Whatareyoutryingtosay?"
"Gofigure,"Ireplied."Butawayfromallofmyissues,IgottothinkingaboutPaula

whileIwasinthere."

"Nah,fam.Youcan'tpossiblybethinkingofhittingonher.She'snotonlyyourboss,

butshe'salsoyouractualboss'wife."

"Whatnonsenseareyoutalkingabout,Chris?Iwasn'ttalkingabouthittingonher,

youfuckingidiot.What'sthedealwithher?She'smarriedtothemanwhoboughtthe
publishing house and everything else involved. Including this magazine. Why would
shechosetobetheeditorandnottheCEO?"

"Becauseweusedtowritereallycrappyshit?"
"Chris.Beseriousman."
"HowintheworldamIsupposedtoknow?Idon'thangoutwiththem.Ididhear

someone say something about her wanting to be close to all of the action again.
Somethingaboutherworkinginthemediabeforeshecameherefortheinterimjob.
Herhusbandrunsitsoitstillprettymuchfeelslikethesamethingtome."

"Soshe'sjustworkingherebasedonawhim?"
"No,she'sworkingheretostraightenusupuntiltheycanfindabetterreplacement.

Let's face facts. We needed someone like her on board for us to grow. We were
beginningtosuck.Ourcompetitorswerestartingtohaveanedgeoverus.Inthepast
threemonths,thenumbershavestartedworkinginourfavoragain."

"Whatever you say pal. I'm going to give Alexa a call. Paula says we should start

immediately."

"That'sgreatman.Ireallyamhappyforyou."
"Iamhappyforme,too,"Isaidandheadedtowardmyowncubicle.
AsIsettledintomyseat,itcrossedmymindthatIoughttosendatext,anemail—

anythingtoPaulatoremindherthatshewassupposedtobemeetingherhusbandat
theairportthisafternoon.IsnatchedupmyphonefromthetablewhenIrealizedthat
even though my intentions were genuine, I would come across as trying too hard.
Apparently, being a workaholic and a perfectionist could be quite a terrible
combination. I dropped my phone back on the table and pushed the thought to the
back of my mind, replacing it with the thought that Paula should actually fire her

secretary/personalassistant.Whatgoodissheifshecan'tremindherbossofthesimple
thingslikethis?IshouldrecommendSuits,theseriestothissecretary.Shehadalotto
learn from Donna. I can't be worrying about other people's problems while I leave
mineunattended.Ihadtaskstodo.Like,meetupwithAlexa.

ImentallyslappedthebackofmyheadwhenIrememberedthatisexactlywhatI

wasgoingtodobeforeChriscalledmeintohiscubicle.HowcouldIhaveforgotten?

ThiswaswhatPaulawastalkingabout.Iamabouttostartmessingshitupwithout

even trying. I tried to remember where I put the phone number Alexa gave me, but
nothingcametomind.Shehadwrittenitdownonasheetofpaper,thatIremembered.
Buteverythingafterthatmomentwasacompleteblur.

Ipulledoutmywalletandrummagedthroughthecontentstofindit,buttherewas

nopieceofpaperwithanynumberwrittenonitinsidemywallet.Fortunately,Iwas
stillwearingthepantsIworeyesterdaywhenImether.Itdidn'tseemlikeawiseidea
tojustwasteallthatmoneyonahotelroomandnotuseit.So,whenAlexatookacab
home, I went back to the hotel and spent the night there. I just took my bath this
morning,putonthesameclothesandheadedtotheoffice.

Ijumpedoffthechairandstartedtoemptythecontentsofmypockets.
Unfortunately, my pocket was filled with a lot of small sheets, and I had to go

throughthelongprocessofpainstakinglycheckingeverysingleoneofthesmallpieces
Iwasabletosalvagefrommypocket.Onesheetofpaperhadnumbersonit,butjust
whenIwasabouttostartrejoicing,Isawthenamescribbledinverysmalllettersjust
underit.Ihissedandtossedthepaperintothebin.ThatwasnotAlexa.Attheendof
theday,IfoundnothingthatlookslikeAlexa'sphonenumber.

Suckinginadeepbreath,ItriedtocalmdownandnotfreakoutbythefactthatI

had most likely lost the phone number of the girl that was supposed to resurrect my
career; a girl I had no idea who her friends were. Someone I don't even have a clue
whathersurnamewas.HowintheworldwasIsupposedtofindher?AsIstraightened
upoutofmychair,IsawPaulawalkinginmydirection,andmyheartstartedtothud
loudlyinmychest.WhatwasIsupposedtotellher?Icursedmyillluck.Whywasit
nowofallthetimeintheworldthatIchosetostandup?

"Dylan?"shecalledasshereachedtomycubicle.
"Hi,Paula."
"Hi.Ithoughtyouwouldbeoutwithyoursourcealready.Why'reyoustillhere?"
"Weagreedtomeetupmuchlater."Ilied.Icouldn'taffordanythingbutthelie.
"Oh,Okay.Isawyoufromallthewayoverthere,andIthoughttothankyouagain

foryourhelp.Ireallydoappreciateit."

"You'rewelcome,Paula.Headedtotheairporttopickupyourhusband?"
"Asamatteroffact,yes.Hearrivessometimearound3.SodoweaskforthisAdrian

personwhenwegetthere,orwejustgivethemournames?"

"Your name. I'll call Adrian to confirm everything, but you can rest assured that

your reservations have been settled. I was actually going to send you mail or text to
remindyounottoforgetyouaresupposedtobepickingupyourhusband."

Paulachuckled."Veryfunny,Dylan.Veryfunny.Idon'tforgeteverytime.Ishould

getgoingnow,though,ifIdon'twanttobelate."

"Yeah,sure.Youguysshouldhavefun.Andmakesureyoudoalotofworkgetting

himtoforgiveyou."

"Oh,Idoplanonthat.Havefunwithyoursource,"shesaid,andIswallowed.
"Yeah,right.Haveagreatnight,"Isaidandwatchedhersaunteroutoftheoffice.
Istartedtopace,completelyinpanicmode.Ihadnoideawhattodoanymore.
Where in the world could I have left it? The hotel! I half-run, half-walk out of the

room.Ididn'tknowwhereIgotthespeedorstrengthfrom,butImadeittothehotelin
notimeandfortunatelythereceptionistwasthesameonefromlastnight.

"Goodmorning!"Igreetedhimwithasmilethatwastooeager.
"Goodmorning,sir.HowmayIhelp?"theyoungmansaid.
"Idon'tknowifyourememberme,butIgotaroomherelastnight.Room303?Ileft

somethingveryimportantintheroomlastnight.Actually,Ithinkthephraseis'forgot
it',andIreallyneeditback.Iwaswonderingifyoucouldhelpoutsomehow."

"Iwouldlovetosir,butIdoubtthattherewasanythingintheroom.See,theroom

has already been cleaned, and nothing was brought back here. What exactly is this
thingyouarelookingfor?"

"Somethingofgreatvaluewrittenonapieceofpaper."
"Apieceofpaper?"thereceptionistsaidwithascoff."Seriously,dude.Idoubtthat

you'dfindanything."

"Butwecouldstilltrytochecktheroomout,right?"
"If you insist, but I honestly doubt that you'd find anything." He said and reached

outforthekeystotheroom.Hetossedthemtome,whichsurprisedmebecauseIwas
expectinghimtofollowmeintotheroom.Hedidn't.Isearchedtheroom,andtomy
chagrin,Icouldn'tfindthenote.Ileftthekeyatthereceptiondeskwithoutasmuchas
aword.Ilefttheroom,notbotheringtostraightenthemessIcreated.

AsIleftthehotel,Itriedmyhardesttorememberourconversationfromthenight

before,buttherewasonlysomuchonecouldrememberwhenalcoholwasinvolved.
Nothingsignificantpoppedup.MaybeifIdrankalittle,Iwouldremembersomething
—anything.Iracedthethoughtoutofmymindimmediately.Thiswashowalcoholism
started.

Rightatthatmoment,Irememberedhersayingsomethingaboutmountains.Why

thiswasbuggingme,Ididn'tknow,butIhaveafeelingitwassomethingimportantif
not I wouldn't remember. Then it struck me that I had been thinking in the wrong
direction!Wehadbeentalkingaboutsomething,andonethingledtoanother,andwe
broachedthetopicofmountains.Andthatwaswhenshesaidshestayssomewherein
MountainView.Mygoodluckwasback!Ihailedataxiimmediately.Ididn'tcareifI
hadtosearcheverysingleapartmentinMountainView.Iwouldfindthisgirlnomatter
thecost.

An hour later, I was exhausted from trying to find the girl. When I thought of

driving here to find Alexa, I had no idea how utterly terrible that idea was. For a
momentthereIhadjustbeenplainstupid;therewasnootherexplanationforit.How
itdidn'tcrossmymindthattherewerestreets,unendingbuildings,andtheveryhigh
likelihoodthatsheprobablyhasgoneforclassesbeatme.

I decided to start by asking for the likely hostel residences for students here. This

wasgoingtobeareallylongday.LongerthanIcouldeverimagine.

A L E X A

atricepickedupthelastemptycanoffofthefloorandtosseditintothegarbagebag.

Theroomlookedalmostpresentablenow,afarcontrastfromwhatitwaswhenIwoke
up.Igrabbedthevacuumcleanerandgottothetaskofcleaningupthelittlemessthat
wasleft.ThemomentIstartedthevacuumcleaner,asenseofcalmdescendedonme.
Vacuumingwasactuallyatherapeuticprocessforme.

As I vacuumed, Patrice wiped the surfaces with a napkin. I was grateful for her

presencehere.Withouther,Iprobablywouldhavecontinuedtowallowinmymisery.

Together, we finished cleaning up about an hour after I woke up. By the time we

were done, not only had I successfully worked the booze out of my system, we had
workedhungerin,too.Iwasbeyondfamished.

"Thank you so much, Patrice. I really appreciate the help. But right now I am

famished."

"SoamI,"Patricesaidsinkingintothechair.
"I'mjustgoingtotakemybath,andwe'llgofindsomethingtoeat."
"Isn'tthereanythingwecancookhere?"
"No, Patrice. I seriously doubt that. And even if there was, I really don't feel up to

cooking."

"I'llcook,then."
"Not after all the work we just did. Besides, I feel like eating out. And that's what

we'regoingtodo.Ifyouattemptcooking,I'mjustgoingtoleaveyouhereandletyour
foodgotowaste."

"That'syourloss.It'syoursuppliesthatgotowasteandnotmine."
"Touché,"IsaidasIwalkedtowardthebathroom.
AsIpulledofftheoversizedT-shirtIpulledonaswestartedcleaning,IheardPatrice

turningonthetelevision.Iwasalmostsureshewouldgostraighttothenewschannel.
I stopped momentarily to confirm my theory. Patrice surprised me, and instead, I
heardwhatsoundedlikeamovie.Ipulledmytoweloffthetowelhangerandranback
toher.

"Thisisarudeshock!"Isaidtoher,teasing.
"What?"sheaskedwithgenuinesurprise.
"Youchosemoviesoverthenews.Thathasneverhappenedbefore."
"You'rejustsomelodramatic,Alexa.Iwatchmovies."

"When you don't have much of a choice. Is someone making you watch movies?

HaveyoumetsomeoneandIdon'tknowaboutit?"

"Alexa,gotakeyourbathandstopbuggingme."
"Butseriously.Ijustneedyoutoanswer.Yesorno."
"You people are so hard to please. You complain about my over seriousness, and

whenIdecidetoloosenupalittle,youquestionme.I'mwatchingmoviesbecauseI've
cometolikethem.Period.Nowgo,beforeIlosemytemper."

I laughed and padded back toward the bathroom. I turned on the water to the

highesttemperatureIcouldwithstand;hotenoughitalmostscaldedmeyetitdidn'tdo
thatmuchdamage.Istoodundertheshowerheadandscrubbedmyselfpinklikeitwas
goingtowashawaymypast.WhenIwassatisfiedwiththescrubbing,Isteppedoutand
blottedoffthewaterwiththetowel.

Dressing up didn't take long. Pulling on a pair of jeans, a tank top, and a denim

jacket, I was ready to hit the streets. I didn't bother with make-up. I just toweled my
hairdry,leavingwhatevermoisturewaslefttobeairdried,brushedthehair,andletit
fallovermyshoulders.AsIstaredatmyreflectioninthemirror,Inoticedsomethings
aboutmethatIdidn'tuntilthismorning.

Therewerebagsundermyeyes;nothingasliceofcucumberwouldn'tfix,though.I

neededtogobacktothesalontogetmyhairdyed,again.That'swhathappenedwhena
blonde decided she wanted to be redhead; constant maintenance. Unfortunately, I
didn't have that kind of money to throw around anymore. That was a time when I
coulddecidetogotothesalonanddowhateverIlikedwithoutacareintheworld.I
would go on shopping sprees and to clubs without batting an eyelid. I didn't dare
anymore.Now,everysinglecentcounted.EventheoneIwouldhavenormallyspent
splurgingonamani-pedi.

"Patrice,I'mready,"Isaidandgrabbedmypurseoffofthedressingtable.
"NowthatiswhatIcallasurprise.You'reoutheresoquicklyIcan'tbelieveit."
"Whatever," I retorted and opened my purse to search for my house keys. As I

rummaged through the purse, I found a piece of paper with my number and name
writtenonit."Ohshoot!"Isaidoutloud.

"Whatisit?"
"Oh,Isaidthatoutloud?"
"Yup.Youdid.Now,what'sthematter?"
"Thejournalistguyfromyesterday?Iwrotemynumberdownonapieceofpaper,

andIthoughtIgaveittohim.Iapparentlydidn't.Becauseit'srighthereinmypurse."

"Doyouatleasthavehisnumber?"Patriceasked.
"Ihavenoideawhathisnumberis.Iknownothingabouthim.Nothislastname,

nothisphonenumber,notevenwhatnewspaperheworksfor!"

"Wow!Quickquestion,howexactlywereyouguysplanningonworkingtogetherif

youknownothingabouthim?"

"Ididn'tknowIwasgoingtoactuallylookforwardtoit.Howintheworlddidthe

paperevenendupinmypurse?!"

"Inyourdrunkenmoments,youprobablyslippeditintoyourpursethinkingitwas

his wallet. Which goes to say you both were probably quite wasted last night. Well, I
know for sure you were wasted. I don't know about him. What are you going to do

now?"

"Ihaveabsolutelynoidea.WhatamIgoingtodo?!"
"ThatisexactlywhatIjustasked.Hedidn'tbyanychancementionsomethingthat

couldlinkustohisworkplace,didhe?"

"Even if he did, there is absolutely no way in the world I would remember. I was

wasted."

"Nowthatisquiteatoughone."
"Iwasreallylookingforwardtothis."
"Keepcalm.We'llfindhim,eventually.I'msurehewillalsobetryinghishardestto

locateyousinceyousayhiscareerhingesonthis.Look,I'dadviseweeatfirst.When
we have refueled, we will be able to think straight and come to a reasonable
conclusion."

I picked up my scarf, wrapped it around my neck, and walked toward the door

without another word. This was probably fate's way of telling me this was a terrible
idea.Whoknew,ifIdidthis,ImightenduprunningintotheexactthingIwasrunning
away from. Patrice understood what I was going through and she squeezed my
shoulderlightly.Wewalkedoutofthebuildingholdinghands.

"So,wheredoyouwanttogo?"sheasked.
"Ifeellikealotofsugar.Sothat'swhatIamgoingtohave.Let'sdopancakes."
Patrice rolled her eyes. "This is not about you feeling like sugar. This is about you

loving a particular place so much; you'd rather go there all your life than trying
somethingnew."

Deepdown,IknewwhatPatricesaidwastrue.Thecaféwewereabouttogotowas

my favorite around here. I loved their coffee and their pancakes. Other than the fact
theymadereallynicepancakes,theirfoodremindedmeofhome.Ididn'tknowhow
they did it, but their pancakes tasted so much like my mom's. So the nostalgia kept
drawing me back there. I said none of this to Patrice. I wanted to argue with her
instead.

"ThatisnotthereasonwearegoingtoB&D.Yes,IadmitIlovetheirpancakes,but

rightnowallIwantisalittlesugartoeasemydepression.That'snottoomuchtoask
for,isit?Andthathasnothingtodowiththefactthatthey'rethebestoutthere."

"You'rejustlookingtostartanargument.Iwon'tindulgeyou.Let'sgo."
"Spoilsport,"Isaidandpunchedherplayfully.
AsIturnedback,Isawsomeonethatseemsfamiliarfromthecornerofmyeye.
I recognized the tall gait, the calm strides—those biceps. It couldn't be! Could fate

have decided to work in my favor? The young man walking around looking lost was
wearingapairofsunglasses,butIwasalmostsureitwashim.Eventhoughitwaslate
when I saw him, I think I should still be able to recognize him when I saw him. He
lookedtallerthanhedidlastnight,alotmorehandsome,too.Thisonelookedlikeyour
typicalheartbreaker.

"Patrice,youwon'tbelievewhoIthinkIjustsaw."
"TreySongs?"
"Getserious,Patrice.It'sDylan!OrIthinkitis!"
"No way!" she exclaimed and spun around to face where I was looking. "That

handsomeyoungman?He'sahottie.Youforgottomentionthat."

"I did? I'll be right back. Let me go confirm if it is him," I said and turned toward

wherethemanwasheaded."Hello,"IsaidwhenIfinallygottohim.Helookedatme
withwhatItookassheerjoyandrelief.

"Boy,amIgladIranintoyou!OhmyGod!IthoughtIlostyou."
"It'snicemeetingyouaswell."
"Ijustfinishedmymeetingwithmybosswhen…"
"Canwegositsomewhere?MyfriendandIweregoingtogetsomethingtoeatwhen

Isawyou,andIdon'tthinkIwillbeabletounderstandawordyousayifIdon'teat
something."

"Yeahsure!"hereplied."Thankgoodnessforsmallmercies,"hesaidaswewalked

towardPatrice.

"Meetmyfriend,Patrice.Patrice,meetDylan,thejournalistItoldyouabout,"Isaid

aswestrolledtowardthecafé.

"Hi,Dylan,"Patricesaid."Youdidquiteanumberonmyfriendyesterday."
"Hi.Inmydefense,ItriedtogethertogohometheminuteIrealizedhowfargone

shewas."

"Not soon enough or both of you would have realized she hadn't given you her

numberyet."

"Oh, that's what happened! Now that part I cannot explain. I could have sworn I

collected the paper from her last night. You should have seen the look on my face
when I couldn't find it. I thought I had lost it for good. I have been to the hot…." He
stoppedshortasIsawhimstrugglingtodecidewhathewouldsaynext.Whowouldn't
struggle?HehadnoideawhatIhadtoldPatriceorhowmuchsheknewaboutallthat
happenedthenightbefore.

"Hotel,"IsaidasawayoftellinghimPatricekneweverything,andhehadnothing

tohide.

"Ohyeah.Thehotel.IwenttherebecauseIwentbackthere,alonethatis,tospend

thenightbecausethatmuchmoneycan'tgotowaste."

"Youdon'thavetoexplainyourselftous,Dylan,"Iinterrupt."Wedon'tcarewhat

you do with your private life. That's exactly what it is—private. So it doesn't really
matterifyoutookanothergirlthere."

"Ididn't.AndIwasn'ttryingtoexplainmyself;Iwasjustsaying."
"We'rehere,"Isaidasweroundedthecornerthatthecaféwaslocated.
WechoseatableandPatricewenttoplaceourorders.Thecaféwasnotascrowded

asitusuallygotaroundthishour.IwasgladIdidn'thavetowaitinlinebeforeIgot
attended to. I was too hungry for that. In the café, we were enveloped by the sweet
aroma of dough, coffee, some spiciness I couldn't pinpoint and a lot of sweetness.
Patrice and I always argued when we got here about how in the world I claimed to
smellsweetness,butthistimeIdecidedtoletitslideandnotsayanythingabouthow
this place smelled. We shouldn't argue in front of this almost stranger. My stomach
growledmoderately,andIwasgladitwasnotasloudasitgotwhenthehungerhad
refusedtolistentoanyvoiceofreasoning.

"AsIwassaying,"DylancontinuedwhenPatricegotback,"Ihadtogobacktothe

hoteltoseeifthepaperwasthereandwhenIdidn'tfindit…"

"Letmeguess,"Patriceinterrupted,"YouthoughttocomeallthewaytoMountain

View to see if you could find her?" Dylan nodded, and both Patrice and I burst into
laughter.

"I know…I know…" he said, raising his hands in mock surrender, "It was quite a

stupidthingtodo,butIwasn'tthinking.Ipanicked.HowintheworldwasIsupposedto
findyou?"

"Definitelynotlikethat,"Isaid.
"I realized that only after I got here. I was close to giving up when you saw me. I

already decided if I don't find you today, I'd go to the bar over and over until you
showeduponeday?"

"Evenifittakesyearsforthattohappen?"Iasked.
"Youmakeitsoundlikealover'spromisetowaitforhisloveforever."Hejoked,and

allthreeofuslaughed.

"Ihavetoadmit,"Patricesaid,"Ilikethisone."
Our food arrived just at that moment. Patrice and I got our pancakes; mine with

maplesyrupandherswithhoneywhileDylangothisblackcoffeeandthreesugars.I
wanted to ask him why so much sugar but I bit back the question. None of my
business.Thefoodmademyhungerevenfiercer.Mystomachstartedtogrowlloudly
as I perceived the aroma of the pancakes. This time, the hunger didn't want to be
pacifiedbyanythingthatwasnotfood.

"Areyousureyoudon'twantsomeofthese?"Iasked."They'requitenice."
"Icanimaginetheyare.Theysmellsogood,butI'drathernot.Ihadsomethingto

eatalready."Dylandeclined.

"Okay.Sohowwasthetalkwithyourboss?Didhe,oristhatashe,likeit?"
"She.Shelovedit.Shewantsustostartimmediately."
"Forreal?"
"Absolutely."
"That is great!" Patrice said. "That's really good news. Alexa has been looking

forwardtothissincelastnight."

"Paula,that'smyeditor,thinksthatthiswouldbeamagnificentpieceandsheeven

saysitmightbeagoodenoughforacoverstory.Thatmeanswegettograbeveryone's
attentionwiththis."

"Wow!"Isaidindisbelief."Acoverstory!"
"WewouldbeworkingwiththeanglewestartedwithwhenIapproachedyou,butI

havetoletyouknowthatatsomepoint,newperspectivesmightcomein.Myeditoris
kind of a perfectionist. But whatever we do, you still get to be the star of this whole
thing."

"I don't care about the fame. No one would even know it's me. All I want to do is

havemystorytoldtoinspireothers.Whendowestart?"

"Westartrightaway."

1 0

D Y L A N

ike right now?" she asked, her fork momentarily suspended in the air. Patrice is

staringatthetwoofuslikewewerefromanotherplanet.

"Yousoundsurprised,"Isaid."ItoldyouhoweagerIamtostartworkimmediately

andsincemyeditorhasapprovedofit,Idon'tseeanyreasontostall."

"It'sjust….well…"
"Areyouhavingsecondthoughtsaboutthis?Because,whileIamreallydesperate

forthisstory,Iwouldunderstandifyouarehavingsecondthoughts.It'sonethingfor
somepeopletoknowthisiswhatyoudo,butit'satotallydifferentthingforthewhole
worldtoreadaboutyouandwhatyoudointhemagazines."

"No,no.It'snotthat.Wellnotcompletely,"shesaidandplacedherforkbackonthe

plate.

SheandPatriceexchangedalookthatIcouldn'tdecipheritsmeaning,butIdidn't

takeittoomuchtoheart.AllthatwasimportantnowwasthatItriedtomakesureI
didn'tloseher.Aroundus,thecaféwasstartingtogetfilledupgradually.Thestaffand
mostofthosetroopinginseemedtohaveasortofwarmrelationship,liketheyknew
one another. I guessed they were the regulars. There were some of them who didn't
havethatkindofalmostpersonalrelationshipwiththestaff.Iwassurethey,likeme,
werejustfloaters,notregulars.IturnedbacktoAlexa.

"Thenwhatisit?"
"It'sjust,I'vebeenthinkingaboutthisallday,andIwas,orratheram,reallylooking

forwardtothis,butnowthatit'sactuallyhappening,it'sjustsooverwhelming.Itfeels
sosudden,isall."

"We'lltakeitslowifyouwant.Ijustwantustobeabletocoverallthegroundsso

wecanmeetupwiththenexteditionwithouthavingtorush.Wehavetogetitright.
Mybossisquitetheperfectionist.Andwhenitcomestomywrite-ups,Icanbealittle
bitofone,too."

"Iunderstand.I'llletyouknowifweneedtogoataslowerpace."
"Nextthingweneedtodiscussisschedules.Webothhaveotherimportantthingsto

addressinourlivessoweneedtosetupsomesortofschedulewecanworkaround.
There'syourschool,andthenthereisworkforme.Imightbeworkingonotherstories
alongsideyours.Andthenthereisyour…umm…"Ihesitated."…yourwork."

"Right.Aboutthat.Ithinkweshouldtalkaboutthat,"shesaid.

"Umm…I'llberightbackguys.IseesomeonethatIknow,"Patriceinterjectedasshe

leftthetableimmediatelywithoutanotherword.

"Didwe…?"Iasked.
"Sheprobablyfeltsheneedstogiveussomespace.It'snothingtoworryabout.That

istotallyPatrice."

"Ohalright.Backtowhatyouweresaying."
"Yeah,aboutthat.Ihavedoubtsaboutthat,too.I'mnottoosureIwanttocontinue

downthatpath.It'salittledifficulttowalkthatroad.Lastnightwhenweweretogether,
I couldn't get myself to accept you. I kept remembering that night, and all that those
mendidtome.Itwasaterriblethingtoremember."

Istaredatherasshespoke,understandingeverywordshesaid,yettornbetween

her words and my dilemma. When I approached her, I didn't fully grasp what this
wouldendupas,butasshespokeofherexperiencewithme,itbegantotakeshapein
mymind.FromthewaythingswerelookingnowandgoingbythefactthatIknewher
story (or at least some part of it), there was every likelihood that she might turn me
intoaconfidanteoranagonyuncleofsortsandthiswassomethingIreallydidn'tlook
forwardto.

Emotionswerenotexactlymyforte.Isawthemasaweakness.Inmy14yearspost-

puberty,Ihadcometolearnthatemotionswerefortheweakandtheycouldpullyou
downatanypointintime.Andlovewasafarfetchedtaletoldtolittlegirlstohelpthem
sleepwellatnight.Theonlythingsthatexistedtomeweredesireandpassion,bothof
which I poured into my work and my other side hobby. So, her wanting to tell me
thingsaboutherandexpectingmetobeableto'oh'and'ah'likeherpsychologistwas
whatIdreadedmorethananythingelse.WhatwasIsupposedtosaytoherwhenshe
wasstartingtotearup?Especiallyseeingasherissueswerequitethecomplicatedones.
IguessIcouldonlytry.

"Atwhatpointdidyoustartfeelingthatway?"Iasked.Notbadatall.Icoulddothis

shrinkthing.

"Rightfromthestart."Shereplied.
"Fromtheverymomentwegotintotheroom?"Iasked,andshenodded."MyGod!

SoallthattimeIwaskissingyou,youfeltnothing?"

"Nothing but fear and uncertainty. And that is not to undermine your 'abilities' if

thatiswhatyouarethinking."

ItwaswhatIwasthinking,butthatwouldn'tlooksogoodonpaper.Icouldn'tadmit

apartofmethoughtIhadlostmytouchasthishurtladypouredherheartouttome.

What kind of a gentleman would I be? She was seated across me; her shoulders

slumpeddown."No.Notatall."Isaid."ThatisdefinitelynotwhatIwasthinking.I'm
nottheimportantonehere.Youare.Youmust'vebeenreallyhurtbywhatthosemen
didforyoutokeepremembering."

"Iguesshavingaman'shandsonmeaftersolongbroughtthememoriesback.It's

perfectlyunderstandable."

"Umm…holdonasecond.It'sbeenhowlong?Ayear?"Iasked,alittleconfused.
"Yeah.Why?"
"Andinthatoneyear,youhaven'thadevenonemantouchyou?"
"No.It'sbeenhardtolivewithmyself,muchlessletsomeonetouchmeafterwhat

happened. It's not so easy to live that kind of memory down. Some people might go
straightonasexrampageasawayofeasingtheirpain,butsomeofusdon'thavethat
kindofstrength."

"Ifyoucan'tstandmentouchingyou,thenhowexactlydoyouwanttogobackto

work?"

"Honestly?Idon'tknow.Ithoughtitwouldeasiertojust,youknow,gobackintothe

fieldsandletthemdowhattheywant.Trynottogetmymindattachedtowhatthey
do.Justletmybodydoallthework,butsofaritisnotworking."

"But I'm the first guy since you decided to go back. Could it be that it's because

you'vejustbeenwithonepersonandyou'rekindofnewtoallthis?"

"Again,Idon'tknow.Itmight.Itmightnot.DoyouknowwhatIfeltwhenyouwere

kissingme?Pain.IcouldsmellthemeventhoughyouwerewearingacologneIloved
justmomentsbeforewhenIwalkeduptoyouatthebar.Icouldsmelltheboozethey
were reeking of that night. I felt hands on my neck, squeezing the life out of me. Do
youunderstandnow?"

Isighedandnodded.Itotallyunderstood.Forthefirsttimeinareallylongtime,I

wasreallycompletelyshortofwords.Whatdidonesaytosomeoneatatimelikethis?

Didonesayeverythingwouldbealrightandhopethatitdidgetbetterforher?Or

didonejustkeepquietandofferherahugorsomethingmundanelikethat?Ishould
bring out my tape recorder and start the session right away, but that would be
completelyinsensitive.Now,Iwastornbetweenbeingafriendandbeingareporter.

Inmyexperience,itwasattimeslikethisthatthejuicieststuffcameout.
"Itotallydo."Ifinallysaid.Idecidedtobethefriendforthismoment.IfIcouldget

hertowarmuptomeandbeafriendnow,thejobwouldbeeasiertocomplete.The
reporter in me could try to remember anything noteworthy she said. "You'll be fine.
ThatIknow.Itmightbehardrightnowtoevenseethatasapossibility,butIknowthat
you'llbefineeventually.Trustme."

"Thankyou,Dylan.Thankyouforlisteningtomycrap."Shesaidwithasmallsmile.
"One, it's not crap. It's something really serious, and you deserve a listening ear.

Two,it'smyjobtolisten.AndI'mnottalkingasareporternow.Ikindofseeyouasa
friendnow,soit'smyjobtolisten."

Alexalaughed."Don'tgorushingthroughthehurdles,"sheteased."Thereisastage

togettingclosetome.You,sir,arestillintheacquaintancephase.Don'tgetaheadof
yourself."

"Ifyoucantellyouracquaintanceallthis,Iwonderwhatyoutellyourfriends.Oh

my,Ican'twait."Iteasedback.

"So back to what I was saying. I'm not really sure if I can do this or not. Hope it

doesn'taffectyourstory?"

"Notatall.Itdoesn'tchangewhatyoudidinyourlife.Itjustchangeswhatyouare

about to do in your life. So long as you've lived the life I want to write about, we're
good.Andjustmaybedoingthismighthelpyouworkoutyourtrauma."

"Maybe."
"So our schedules. Which would you prefer; one whole day every week or those

hoursbrokendownintobitsspreadovertheweek?"

"Whichdoyousuggest?"

"Well, the thing with meeting regularly is that we can cover a lot and actually dig

witheverymeetingwehave,soIamkindofpartialtothat."

"Is that the actual or you're just looking for excuses to spend time with me?" She

teasedagain.

I smiled at her. She was quite the likable person. I liked the fact that despite her

circumstance,shestillfoundthehumorineverything.Itwouldbequiterefreshingto
workwithherthatmuchIknew.

"Well,isthatsuchaterriblethingtodo?"Isaidfollowingthepacesheset.
"Maybe.Maybenot.Maybeyou'llchangeyourmindwhenyoufindoutIchargefor

everysingleminuteIspendwithanyone.That'swhatthejobentails."

"Very well played," I said laughing. "Now that we have settled that, I should

probablygetyournumbernowbeforeIloseitagain."

"If you do lose it again, at least you know where to find me now," she said and

gesturedaroundher.

"Youliveinacafé?"IaskedasIpassedhermyphone.
"Very funny, Dylan. Very, very funny," She said and typed her number into the

phone.Justforaddedmeasure,Icalledthenumberimmediately.

"That's my number. Please save that in your contacts. And if for any reason, any

reasonatallIdon'tcallyouinaday,pleasedomethehugefavorofcallingme.I'llsend
youmyemailaddressaswell,foraddedmeasure."

"Thismustbereallyimportanttoyou."
"Otherthanthefactthatmycareerdependsonthisstoryandtheaddedfactthatmy

reallystricteditorhasdecidedtogivemefreereinoverit,plusthefactIkindofamin
hergoodbooksnow,Iamtiredofmessingshitup."

1 1

A L E X A

alkingthroughthestreets,asenseofcalmdescendedonme.Forthefirsttimeina

while, I could actually walk the streets feeling like I have left behind some baggage.
Beforetheincident,thesestreetsusedtobeallthesupportIneeded.IknewwhenIwas
here;Iwasinmyownterritory.Ihadgrownsoaccustomedtothesestreetslikeitwas
myhome.Heck,itwas,infact,myhome.

Thentheytookitawayfromme.EventhoughIwalkedaroundatnight,itwasn'tthe

same.Iwalkedaroundwithanaggingfearthatsomeonewouldcrawluponmeand
attack me. The fear still existed, but this time, I felt it a lot more subtly than I did
before.Itwasjustthatthistime,Ifeltasenseofcalmseepinginslowly.

I told myself there was nothing to be worried or scared about. These streets

wouldn't eat me up. The chatter of people around me was enough to tell me what I
already knew. I couldn't live my life scared of the night all the time. Worse things
happened to people in their own homes even during the day. The fact that one bad
thinghappenedtomedidn'tmeantheworldwasouttogetme.

A child ran past me, laughing as he ran. His mother or maybe his babysitter ran

afterhim,tryingtocatchupwithhim,laughingassheran.Ifeltenviousofhisgenuine
happiness.Hehadabsolutelynoworriesinhislifethen.SometimeswhenIlookedat
thesepeople,IwishedIhadtheirkindoflife.Ididn'trememberthelasttimeIfeltsuch
genuine,unadulteratedhappiness.WhatIwouldgivetobeabletolivethatkindoflife
again.Itseemedlikesuchadistanttime;itdefiedbeingcalledtime.

IheldthebagsthatcarriedthebooksIborrowedfromthelibrarytoprepareformy

test tomorrow close to my chest and headed up the stairs to my apartment. The
lemony fragrance that hit my nose as I entered into my apartment made me smile.
Patricedidknowhowtoout-doherselfsometimes.WhenPatriceaskedtobeexcused
earlier, she came back to the apartment and apparently did some extra cleaning. It
wasn'tuntilDylanandIweredonetalking,andIcalledher,thatIrealizedshehadleft
thecaféaltogether.Walkingontiptoes,soIdidn'twakePatrice,whowascurledupon
mysofa,Iturnedonthelights,droppedthebooksonthetable,andstartedtoboilwater
forsomecoffee.Itwasgoingtobealongnight.

"Heyyou,"Patricesaidasshestifledayawn.
"Oh,I'mreallysorry.Iwastryingsohardnottowakeyou."
"It'sfine.I'vebeenasleepforawhile.Wherehaveyoubeen?"

"Thelibrary.IwasfeelingalittlerestlessafterthetalkwithDylan,soIdecidedtoput

ittogooduse.Ihaveatesttomorrowtopreparefor."

"Huh,thetestisn'tuntilthedayafter."
"Idecidedtogototheprofessortomorrowinstead.Whycontinuetopostponethe

inevitable?"

Patriceshotoutofthechair."WhathappenstotheexcuseIgave?Doyouwantto

getmeintrouble,Alexa?Whythesuddenchangeofmind?!"

"Idon'tthinkIwanttheaddedpressureoftestsonmyneckrightnow,"Isaidasthe

kettlestartedtowhistle.Itoreopenasachetofinstantcoffeeandpoureditintoamug
andaddedsomewater."Sohere'stheplan;I'llstayupallnight,downasmuchcoffeeas
Ican,andstudyharduntilthemorning."

"Andthenwhat?Walkuptotheprofessorandtellhimyouweremiraculouslycured

ofyourillness,soyou'refitforthetestnow?"

"Maybe.OrIcouldjusttellhimItoldyouthatbecauseIhadapanicattack.Either

way,whateverIdo,I'llmakesureyoudon'tgetintoanytrouble.Ipromiseyou."

"Oh,Lord!What'sgottenintoyou?"
"Ineedtostudynow,soit'seitheryougobacktobedorfindsomethingtodo.Either

way,Ireallydon'twantanydisturbances,Patrice."

"Icouldhelpyoustudyifyou'refinewiththat."
"I'dabsolutelylovethat."

strong wind blew, and the chill in the air was more pronounced than ever. The sun

shonealittletoobrightlyoverheadeventhoughanaggingfeelinginsideofmetoldmeit
was supposed to be night time. Beyond me was a very vast, seemingly unending land.
DriedgrasseslaidonthegroundlikerollsofPersianrugsonthefloor.

Therewasnotasingleman,animal,ortreeinsight.Iwascompletelyalone.Ilooked

up at it, and there it was, half-sun, half-moon. How could this even be possible? No
explanationformedatthebackofmymind.Itwasevenmoresurprisingthatthisthing,
thisentity'sbrightnessdidn'thurtmyeyes.

Ilookedawayfromthemoon-sunanddownattheflooraheadofme.Apuddleofclear

waterwasbymyfeet.Ididn'tseeitbefore.Iwassureitwasn'ttherebefore.Ipeeredat
thepuddleandstaringbackatmewasthereflectionofalittlegirl.Thegirl'sblondehair
waspartedhalfwayandplaitedintoaponytailonbothsidesofherface.Thegirlinthe
waterwassmilingbackatme.Iknewher.Ihadseenherbefore…Iwasher.Meattheage
ofthree.

Iblinked,andthereflectioninthewaterwasgone.Ilookedaroundtryingtofindthe

littlegirl,andthereshewasinfrontofme.Likethinkingofherwaswhatbroughtherinto
existence?Lookingsoexcitedaboutsomething,sheranoff,andIstartedtorunafterher,
tryingtofindoutwhatitwasthathadgottenhersohappy.Orwasthishowallchildren
seemedsohappy?Ididn'tremembereverbeingsohappy.

IcaughtupwithherinnotimeandwhatIsawbroughttearstomyeyes.Sittingonthe

lushgreeneryofgrasseswereamanandwoman.Iknewimmediatelythatthesewereher
fatherandhermother.HowIknewthis,Ihadnoidea,butIwassureofit.

The mother ruffled the little girl's hair, and she started to shriek with laughter. The

girl's reaction to her mother touched my heart, and I felt a sort of heaviness. The man
with them joined in the laughter, and he too started to tug at the girl's hair and played
withhercheeks.Togethertheyallseemedsohappy.

Allofasudden,aflashoflightningcrossedtheskyandthunderimmediatelyfollowed

it.Thewholeplacegotdarkalmostimmediately,butIcouldstillseethelittlegirlandher
family. Only this time, the little girl was no longer there. Kneeling right where she had
beenwasamucholdergirl.Thegirlstillhadtheblondehair,butshewasinherteens.I
cantellitwasthesamegirl.Justlikebefore.Becausethiswasmeinmyteens.

The girl's father asks her mother to move to a particular spot away from where she

wasbefore,andthewomanheedstohisrequest.Justasthewomanchangedherposition,
asinkholeappearedoutofnowhereandswallowedupthewoman.Istaredindisbeliefat
the empty ground where the woman once was. It wasn't until I heard shrieking that I
turned my attention to the other people there. Where the woman stood was a young,
redheadedladyyellingatherfather,blaminghimforwhathappened.WhenIturnedmy
attentiontothewoman,Inoticedthatitwasme.Everythingaboutthisgirlwasjustlike
menow.Thegirlinmyimagewasscreamingatthemansayingitwasallhisfault.Justas
hetriedtotouchher,shescreamedyetagain.

Ijumpedoffthechairimmediatelywithaloudshriek,sendingthebooksinmypath

flyingallover.IcontinuedtoscreamdespitethefactthatIhadwokenupfromsleep.It
took a while for it to register that I was no longer asleep and this was no longer a
dream.Outofthecornerofmyeyes,IsawasPatricesatupimmediatelywithastartled
look and rushed to my side, patting my shoulder. It took a few moments longer to
realizethatIwasbackinmyroomandthatithadallbeenadream.Ithadfeltsoreal
whenIwasdreaming,thatIthoughtIhadbeenwatchingtherealthinghappen.

"Hushnow…It'sgoingtobealright.Itwasjustanightmare."IheardPatricecoointo

myearsassherubbedmyshoulders.

Then it all came to me. Patrice and I had been studying together, her explaining

partsIdidn'tunderstand.Butthecoffeewasnotdoingsuchagoodjobofkeepingme
awake. Some hours later, the sleep started to win, and my eyes started to close shut.
Patrice,whowasn'ttheonewiththetestwasdoingamuchbetterjobofstayingawake
thanIwhowassupposedtobetakingatestthenextday.ConsideringthatIhadsleptin
till really late, it was quite a surprise that I was feeling sleepy again. When I couldn't
takeitanylonger,Iplacedmyheadonthetable,andIfellasleepalmostimmediately.

I pressed the unlock button on my phone to check the time. 2:30 am. It had been

barely one hour since I fell asleep, but it felt like I have been gone for much longer.
Patrice had left my side and was now back with a glass of warm milk. I collected the
glassfromherandgulpeddownthecontentswithoutaword.

"Areyoualrightnow?"Patriceasked.
"Yeah.Iguessso.Ihadoneofthosedreamsagain."
"Whichone?"
"Thedreamwiththeyoungerme.It'sjustthistimetheanguishwasmuchgreater.It

feltlikemyheartwasgoingtobetornfrommychestwithallthepainthatwasinit.It
waslikeIwastheonegettinghurt."

"Didyouseethementhistime?"

"No.itwasjustmeasachild.Thedreamfollowedaprogression.Fromtheyoung

metotheolderone,andthenthepartaboutmymotherdisappearing,andmeblaming
myfather."

"Oh.Haveyoueverhadanyonelikethisbefore?"
"No. The dreams are always different, but they all have the same message; the

tragedyofachildlosinghermotherandthenblamingherfatherforit.Thistimeitwas
avast,thrivingfield.Themotherwastakenbyasinkhole.I'veneverdreamtabouta
sinkholebefore,"Isaidandplacedtheemptyglassonthetable.

Forayearnow,mydreamshadbeenplaguedeveryonceinawhilebythedreamof

achildlosingamother.Thedreamsstartedrightaftermyencounterwiththosemen.I
neverhadthesamedreammorethanonce,butithadthesamemessage.Eventually,I
hadtoldPatriceaboutit.

"Don't you think the recurrence of these dreams is just trying to tell you

something?"

"Patrice,wearen'tgoingtohavethisconversation.Please.Idon'thavethestrength."
"Sooner or later you're going to have to. We're going to have to. You can't keep

avoidingthisforever."

"Patrice…"
"Alexa!Listentomeforonce!Thisisforyourowngood.Youneedtogoback.Ikeep

tellingyoueverysingletime,butyouchoosenottolistentome.Youreallyneedtodo
somethingaboutthesenightmares.Atleastseeapsychologistifnothingelse."

"WhydoIneedashrinkwhenIhaveyou?"
"Don't patronize me, Alexa. I think it's time you actually faced this thing head on.

Thesedreamsareaconstantreminderofyourlife,whetheryouwanttoadmititornot.
Whydon'tyoujustgiveyourselfachancetohealproperly?"

"I'dratherjusttalktoyou,Patrice."
"What'stheuse?"
"IfIcan'ttalktoyou,Patrice,whatisthepointofyoubeingapsychologymajor?"I

saidbaitingher.Iknewshewasgoingtotakethebaiteventually,butIreallyhopedshe
didsoon.

"WhatintheworldamIgoingtodowithyou?"Patriceaskedinexasperation.
Shepushedherchairawayfromhersideofthetableandpulleditclosertome.
Placing her hands on my thighs, she urged me to talk about it. When I was done

tellinghereverythingthathappenedinthedream,Patricetappedmykneeandrested
backinherchair.

"Whatabouttheonebeforethis?"
"Patrice,whatisthepointofthis?"
"Humorme,Alexa."
"Theonebeforethishadonlythethree-year-oldme.Iwasplayingintheparkwith

mystuffedanimalandthenjustlikethat,inaflash,itwastakenfromme.Ineverdid
getitbacknomatterwhatItriedandnomatterhowhardItried.AndIdidtryhardto
getitback."

"Hasthisnottoldyouanythingyet?Haveyounotcometotherealizationyet?Inall

ofthesedreams,onemessageisclear.Youlostsomethingthatmeansalottoyou.The
stuffedanimal….yourmom.Isituntilyou…"

"Patrice!Don't!"
"Youaskedformyopinion.Yetyouwouldn'tevenletmefinishmysentences.Only

you can make this decision, Alexa. The nightmares are only a reflection of your
innermost thoughts and fears, and the more you continue to push them down, the
harderitistheywillstrike.I'mgoingtosaythisonlyonemoretime,Alexa.Ithinkit's
timeyoumadethatcall."

1 2

D Y L A N

hecommutefromtheofficetoMountainViewwasoneIdreadedalot,butseeingas

this was work related, I didn't have much of a choice. Before this story, I tried my
hardesttoavoidanythingthathadtodowiththedrivedown.Iusuallywouldoptfor
thetrainride.AndofallthedaysIcouldhavechosentogobyroad,Ipickedtoday.

Todaywiththeterribletrafficandratherunusualheat.Istillcouldn'tfathomhowa

daythatstartedsochillywassohotallofasudden.Sohot,Ihadtoditchmyblazerat
work,thankfulforthefactthatIhadchosenalightweightwhiteteeinsteadoftheblack
woolvestIwantedtowearinitially.

MakingamentalnotetotakeanUberwhenIwasreturninghome,Ilookedaround

metoseeifIwastheonlyoneinthisbusaffectedbytheheat.Icouldn'tbe.

Exceptthesepeoplewerenotnormal,theyshouldfeelthesamelevelofdiscomfort

Ifelt.IdefinitelyhadtotakeUberwhenIheadedbackhome.

Everyonewasoccupiedbyonethingortheother.Anold,heavysetmaninapairof

slacksthatseemtoobigwasbentoverhisnewspaper,mumblingsomethingtohimself.
I guessed he was displeased by something he had read in the papers and since there
wasnooneelsearoundhiminterestedinhiscomplaints,hedecidedtotalktohimself
instead.Whoknew,theexcusehemighthavegiventohimselfwasthathewasamuch
better conversationalist than anybody else here so why bother? I used to know
someonejustlikethatwhowouldkeeptalkingtohimself,andwhenhewasasked,he
wouldsayhepreferredtospeaktoabetterclassofpeople;simplyputhimself.

Somedistanceaway,twokidswerecompletelyengrossedintheirpublicdisplayof

affection,totheutterchagrinofthewhitehaired,oldblackladyseatedbesidethem.

She was staring at them like she wanted to lay them on her lap and give them a

good spanking. If looks could kill. The kids were not bothered by her stares. They
probably didn't even know that she existed. I was more than sure that this woman
would go home and complain to all that would listen about how the world was a
completelyterribleplacenowifkidscoulddothatinpublic.

Something in my head said that the sitting arrangement here was wrong. If I had

the powers to rearrange them, the old woman would be sitting right beside the
newspaperreadinggentleman.Thekidswouldbesittingwiththatgentlemanwiththe
extremely tight jeans who had just gotten off his chair. How could he even walk in
that?Werehisballsevenabletobreatheinsuchatightthing?Wasn'theeventheleast

bitscaredofblueballs?That,ofcourse,wasifheactuallyhadballs.Icontinuedtolook
aroundtryingtoseewhoelsetomoveinthisnewquestofminetorearrangethewhole
bus.

AsIglancedaround,myeyesfellonthisladywhowasintentlystaringatme.She

wasseatedjusttwoplacesawayfrommewithalotofspacebetweenus.Ilookedaway
fromherinthehopesthatoureyesjustmetandshewasn'tlookingatme,butwhenI
lookedbackinherdirection,shewasstillstaring.Shesmiledatmeasiftoletmeknow
shedefinitelywaslookingatme.Ismiledback,wonderingwhyintheworldshehadn't
movedtocoverthedistanceifshereallyfelttheneedtomakeconversation.Thatwas
theleastshecoulddoifshereallydidn'twanttohidethefactthatshewasstaring.

EvenasIlookedinthetotallyoppositedirection,Icouldstillfeelthestareonme.
Turning back in her direction, she, of course, was still staring intently at me. The

lady was not exactly what I would call a looker, but from what I could see, she had
quitethesexybody.Apairofperfectlyrounded,D-cupswerepokingslightlyoutfrom
thetopofhershirtandstrainingagainstthepinkfloweredchiffontopshewaswearing.
Dropletsofsweatcoveredhertonedarmsandherface.Thisonewasdefinitelyagym-
buff—mostlikelyaweighttrainingjunkie.Shepulledoutahandkerchieffromherbag
anddabbedoffthesweat,hereyesnotleavingmeevenforasecond.

Itookitasmycuetoapproach.Therewasnopointdisappointingsuchafineyoung

ladywhowasreadytoplaynow,wasthere?Iscootedovertohersideofthechairuntil
our thighs were almost touching. The all too familiar scent of Chanel No. 5 filled my
nose.Shedidn'tmoveaway.Perfect!IfIplayedmygamewellenough,Imightbeable
togetalittleactionwithouthavingtospendthatmuch.

"Hello,"Isaidtoher.
"Hi."Isensedaslightaccentinhertone.Britishmaybe?
"Icouldn'thelpbutnoticeyouwerestaringatsomeonebehindme.Ijustwantedto

findoutifhe'sthatmuchofalooker.Ihopeyoudon'tmindthatIwanttouseyou,"I
saidtoherwithemphasisontheworduse.

"Byallmeans,"Shereplied,clearlyamused.ShewasdefinitelyBritish.
I looked back in the direction I came from, and sure enough, there was no one

behind me. I turned back to her. "Hmm. Except you were staring so hard at a ghost,
there'snoonethere.Whichmeansyouwerestaringatme.Right?"

"WasI?MaybethegentlemanIwasstaringatleftwhenyouapproachedme."
"Which takes us back to the ghost story. Because I doubt anyone passed here

withoutmenoticing.Youwerestaringatme."

"EvenifIwas,"Shesaiddefiantly."Doesthisworkforyoualot?"
"Whatis'this'?"
"Dogirlsactuallyfallforthis?"
"Well,thisisthefirsttimeI'mtrying.I'mwaitingforfeedbackbeforeIreturntomy

seat.Sohow'dIdo?"Iasked,feigningeagerness.

She laughed, revealing a set of perfect teeth; sparkling white, perfect arrangement

with just a little bit of a gap between the two top teeth. I wondered if she ever used
braces when she was growing up. These teeth looked too perfect not to have been
tweakedbysomeprocedure.Hersmileliteupherfaceinawayhermakeupdidn't.

"Terriblyatfirstbuthey,youmademelaugh,sothat'saplus."

"Well, that is amazing feedback. I'll find some other beautiful lady like yourself to

tryiton.I'mDylan,bytheway,"Isaidandextendedahandinherdirection.

"Opal."
"Opal.Iguessyou'renotfromaroundhere.Englandmaybe?"
"Nicetry,Sherlock.EveryonecantellI'mnotfromaroundhere,sodon'tgoahead

withtryingtoimpressmewithyour'observation'skills."

"Fine,butdon'tsayIdidn'tatleasttry."
"You'retryinghasbeenverywellnoted."
"SowhatbringsyoutotheUnitedStates?Orhaveyoubeenhereforawhile?"
"Huh, yeah. Kind of. I am working toward a permanent move to California. Right

nowI'mstilltryingtogetmybearingsandanchormyfeetdeeplyintothesewaters."

"Sowhatisityoudo?"
"Iamaprogrammer.IjustgotanofferhereintheUS,andIamtryingtoseehow

thatgoes."

"Awhat?"Iaskedinsurprise.ShelookednothingliketheimageofprogrammersI

had in my head. Before her, the clichéd image I had of programmers was of geeky,
dweebwomenwithroundspectaclesandmessyhair.HereIwassittinginfrontofthe
exactoppositeofwhatIpictured.

"Iseeyou'resurprised.ItendtohavethateffectonpeoplewhenItellthemwhatI

do."

"I'mjustsurprised.ThenotionIhad…"
"Isofuglylookingwomenwhodon'tgiveaflyingrat'sassabouttheirappearanceor

bothertohitthegymorevenbothertodresswell,"shefinishedforme."That'showthe
moviespaintus."

"Thosewerenotgoingtobemyexactwords,buttheykindofreflectwhatImight

havesaid.Hey,allthebestinfindingyourfootinghere.Ihopeyoufindwhatyouare
lookingfor."

"Thankyou.YoustayhereinSanFrancisco?"
"Yeah.Ido."
"SowhattakesyoutowardMountainView?Youdon'tseemtomelikeoneofthose

whogoestogawkattheSiliconValley."

"I'm actually not going to the Silicon Valley. I'm meeting with someone for an

interview."

"Ohreally.Sowhatisityoudo?Orareyoujobhunting?"
"I'mareporter."
"Hmm."
"Impressedenoughtogivemeyournumber?"Itriedmyluck.
"Maybe.You'requiteinteresting.Maybewhenyou'redonewithyourinterview,you

couldstopbymyhotelforadrinkortwo."

"Maybe," I said and pulled out my phone from my pocket. "I'll call you once I'm

done?"

"Thatwouldbelovely,"Shesaidasshecollectedmyphonetoenterherdigits.
TherewasnowayintheworldIwasnotgoingtoscoretonight.

arrived at the café right on time only to find out that Alexa was not even here. It

wasn't until I called her that I realized she had been cooped up in her apartment all
day.

Some minutes later, she appeared at the café looking all shades of sick and

exhausted.Shehadn'tevenbotheredwithaproperdressingormakeup.Itlookedlike
shejustgotoutofbed,pulledonapairofjeans,andgrabbedthenearestcoatherhands
couldreach.Herhairwasatotalmess.

"Areyoualright,Alexa?"
"Yeah,"Sherepliedweakly."Iwassleepingwhenyoucalled."
"Lookslikeit.CoffeeorPancakes?Maybeboth?"
"None.I'mgoodfornow.I'mreallysorry.Itotallyforgotweweresupposedtobe

meetingtoday.Iwouldhavefoundawayaroundit."

"It'sfine.Youcouldhavejustaskedmetocomeovertoyourplaceifyouweren't

feelinguptocomingout."

"Ineededtheair."
"Youlookreallytired.What'veyoubeenuptointhe48hourssinceIlastsawyou?"
"Well, trying my hardest not to fail miserably. Because if I do, what's the point of

sellingmyselfout?Ihadtopulltwoall-nighterssothatIcouldreadforamake-uptest."

"Sohowwasit?"
"Thankfully,itwasalright.ThegoodthingisIdon'thavetobothermyselfwithtests

forawhile.Ijustgotinafewhoursago,andIwentstraighttobed."

"Goodtoknow.Soisitokayifwestartnow?"
"Yeahsure,"shesaidandsniffed.
I nodded in her direction and pulled out my portable recorder, notepad, and pen

frommysatchel.Isetthemonthetableanddrummedmyfingerslightlyonthetable
todrawherdistractedattention.

"Youusenotepadsandpens?"sheaskedlikeIhadjustcommittedanabomination.
"Huh…that'swhyit'scalledwriting?"
"No,no,no…that'sabsolutelynotwhatImean.Usually,yourpeoplegoaroundwith

laptops typing away instead of writing. Some of my friends doing anything writing
relatedsayit'stoostressfultohavetowriteallthattwice."

"Well,Idousethelaptopsometimes,butIprefertheold-fashionedpentopaper.It's

calming.Besides,IcanthinkandmakethingslookbetterwhenI'mre-typing."

"Oh," she said. I can read the tone in her voice. It's the 'oh' of 'I really don't get a

wordyoujustsaid,butlet'spretendIdo.'Isaidnothingonthat.Ijusthitrecord.

"Herewego.Areyouready?"Iasked,andshenodded."So,howlonghaveyoubeen

inthislineofbusiness?"

"IwasatitforgiveortakeoneyearbeforeIstoppedayearago."
"Andhowoldwereyouwhenyoustarted?"
"Iwaslegal."
"Legal?"Ipressedfurther.
"I was old enough to make decisions for myself by the law," she replied without

explaining.

"Areallofyoulegalwhenyoustart?"

"Not always. Some of us are. Others aren't old enough. Some are barely even

grown."

"Andthey'reallowedtodothis?Toselltheirbodiesforsomedollars?"Isaidalittle

harsherthanIintendedto.Hearingthishurtsme,andIforgotthatIwasbeforeoneof
them."I'msorry."

TherewasafireinhereyesthatIhadneverseensinceImether."There'snoneed

to apologize to me. It's the truth. We sell our bodies for some dollars. Sometimes
because we want to. Sometimes it's because we have no other choice. You said
somethingabout'allowing'them.Whoissupposedto'allow'themornotallowthem?"

"Thepolicemaybe,"Isaid.
Alexascoffed."Youreallydon'tknowanythingaboutthis,doyou?Nomatterhow

manytimesthepoliceraidthestreets,itdoesn'tstopthesegirlsfromstillreturning.Not
whentheyhavedebtstopay,andtheirlivesdependonit."

"Debts?Whatkindofdebts?"
"Moneysomeofusowebecausewewanttobuyourfreedom.Noteveryoneonthe

streetsisafreeagent.Mostofthemareownedbysomeoneandthenpimpedout."

"Yousayownedlikethisistheslavetradeera."
"That's exactly what it is, Dylan. Some of these girls were kidnapped from their

homes and brought here to serve. Some were tricked into coming. Some were
unfortunate enough to be relatives of those who owe some pimps money, so they
askedthemtoworkforit.You'veprobablyheardofthingslikethisbefore,orreaditor
seenitamovie,orsomethinglikethat.Don'tactsosurprised."

"I'veheardandreadofthingslikethisbefore,butthatisverydifferentthanhearing

itfromthehorse'smouth.Itfeelssosurrealhavingtohearitfromsomeonewhohas
livedthelifeandsawallthesethingsfirsthand.It'salljustsoshockingtome."

"Well,welcometoourworld,"shesaidassheleanedbackinherchair.

1 3

A L E X A

didn'tknowwhattomakeoftheshockthathefeltthatsomepeopleactuallylivedthe

lifeIjusttoldhimabout.Whywasitsohardforhimtoacceptwhenhiscolleaguesand
the movie people have written about stuff like this before? I guess it was true what
peoplesayaboutnotknowingthelifeuntilyouactuallylivedit.Hewashearingfrom
someonewhohadlivedit,sohiseyeswerealotmoreopen.

"Soifthesegirlssaytheyarenotinterestedinhooking?"heaskedmenaively.
"They are not interested? Have they got more than one life? They can't 'not be

interested.'Theyknowtheirlivesandalotofotherthingsdependonit.Sotheywork
theirbuttsoffrepayingwhateverdebtsitistheyowe."

"Howdotheygetout?"
"Theyeitherworktheirwayoutorhavesomeonebuytheirfreedom.Inallhonesty,

thathardlyeverhappens,becausewho'sinterestedinanoverusedproperty?"

"Sotheyhaveabsolutelynohopeofgettingtheirfreedom?"
"By the time they have worked hard enough to repay their debts, their either too

tiredtowanttostartanewlife,ortheyjustcan'tbegintothinkthereisanotherway.
That'swhyyoufindalotofthemstilloutonthestreetsevenaftertheyhave'retired.'"

"Sohowcomeyoufounditeasytogetout?"heasked.
"Iwasoneoftheluckyfew.Ididn'thaveamasterwholordedovermeallthetime.I

didn'toweanything,andneitherweremyrelatives.Thatandtheaddedfactthatoneof
the things a pimp hates are cops. After what happened, he probably thought I was
goingtocallthepoliceorsomething.SowhenItoldhimIwasleaving,heacceptedit
withoutthatmuchofafuss."

"Youreallyareoneoftheluckyones."
"Umm…canIasksomething?"
"Yeahsure,"hereplied.
"Howcomeyoudon'thavealistofquestionswrittendowninyourbook?Ithought

thewayitworksisthatyou'dhavealistofquestionsyouwanttobadgermewithand
youjustkeephittingmewiththemuntilyou'veexhaustedthemall."

"Well,someworkthatway.Ifeelmorecomfortableworkinglikethis."
"Andthisis?"
"Have just some basic questions noted down somewhere, but mostly go with the

flow.Ifinditworksbetterthatway.Doafollowuponwhatyouinitiallysaysothatit's

moreofaconversationbetweenfriendsthananactualinterview."

"SoIcansaysomethingI'llregret?"
"Onthecontrary.Sothatwebothgetmaximumresultsfromhavingthissit-down.

You'resoparanoid."

"Andisthatmyfault?"
"Canwegobacktotheinterviewnow?"heaskedwithasmile.
"Notyet.Ineedtoknowwhatnameyouhavepickedoutforme."
Heraisedbotheyebrowsashestaredatme."Seriously?"
"Yeah.IthastobesomethingIlikeanddoesn'tlinkmetothestoryinanyway."
"Jesus!You'resopicky.IsTaylorfine?"
I'mshockedbythenamethathejustsaid."Didyoujustthinkthatuporyouhave

beenthinkingofthisforalongtimenow?"

"Ijustdid.Why?"
"It'saterriblechoice."
"Megan?"
"Christ,Dylan,areyoukiddingme?Megan?"
"Alexa! We aren't trying to pick our baby's name here. We're just trying to find

anothername,sonooneknowsit'syou.Stopbeingsopickyandlet'sgetbacktowork."

"Fine!We'llhavethisconversationlater.Rightnow?Ithinkmyappetitejustcame

back."

"Argh Lord, she's really going to milk this dry." I heard him say as I called to the

waitress.

woplatesofbananapancakesandthreecupsofcoffeelater,DylanandIwereready

togetbacktowork.Thecaféwasemptyingoutgradually.Peoplehadlefttogobackto
theirworkplaceandthenbacktotheirhomes.Itwouldn'tbelongbeforewewouldalso
havetoleave.Iwas beginningtogettired ofjustsittinginthis oneplaceforso long,
and that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I was tired from studying all
throughtwonightsforatest.

I was a flighty person by nature. I didn't know how to be still in one place for so

long.Ilikedtomove.Stayinginoneplacefortoolongmademefeelcaged.Overthe
lastfewmonths,IhadgottensousedtomovingaroundthatIknewnootherlife.

Theonlythingthatwaskeepingmebackherewasschool.Iwasthankfulforthat

onestablethinginmylife.

"Whydidyoustarthooking?"heaskedme.
"I…umm…Ineededthemoney,"Irepliedhesitantly.
"Whatfor?"heprodded.
I didn't want to answer, but I agreed to do this. Did I tell him the story I tell

everyoneandI'dcometoacceptasmystory,ordidItellthewholestoryofmylife?I
decidedonthelatter.ItwashightimeIstartedtotalk.Maybenotthewholethingbut
someparts.

"My story is no different from most of the girls out there. I ran away from home

afterabitofasquabblewiththefolks.IthoughtitwasthewisethingtodosoIleft.

"Aftersometimeonthestreets,whenIexhaustedeverysingledimeIhadonme

whenIran,whichwasnotsolongifIcanadd,IrealizedIneededtodosomethingto
makemoney.Iusedtorollwiththisgirl,andtogetherwedidoddjobs,buttherewere
onlysomanythingspeoplecouldtrustpeoplelikeuswith.

"ThisfriendusedtobetheonehookingwhileIstillstucktothe'legal'wayofmaking

money. Then she fell ill and all of a sudden there were so many things to do with
moneybutnomoneytoactuallydothem.Shecouldn'twork,soIhadtoworkandfend
for both of us and pay the rent and what not. One day the guy who collects the rent
moneycomestoaskforhismoney,andIdon'thaveit.Hethreatenstokickmeandmy
justrecuperatingfriendoutifwedon'tpay.ThatwasthefirsttimeIhadtogiveaguya
blowjobtopayforsomething.Idecideditwaseasiertokeeppayingrentwithblowjobs.
Onethingledtoanother,andIeventuallystartedhooking,too."

"Wow,"isallhesaidwhenIwasdonewiththestory.
"Yeah.Youknowwhattheysayaboutwhenyougobad?"
"Yeah, you can't go back. But in all of this, why didn't you go back home to your

family?Whydidn'tyougobacktoaskthemforhelp?"

"BecauseitwasthelastthingIwoulddo,gobackhome.Therewasnopoint."
"Yourparents?Yoursiblings?Friends?"
"Thefightwastoonastyformetogoback,andifIdidgoback,Iwouldhavestillhad

to live with the very reasons I decided to leave. It would've defeated the purpose of
leavinginthefirstplace."

"Attheexpenseofyourownsafety?"
"Sometimesprideisallthatmatters,"Irepliedwithastraightface.ButIdoubtthat

he understood all of this. He most definitely didn't. Patrice had never been able to
deeplyrelatetothisstruggleandneitherwouldhe.

"Attheexpenseofyourlife?"
"I haven't died. Yet. I doubt that you'd understand that. You probably have never

beeninthatpositionbefore,"Isaid,glaringathim.

HowdarehethinkhecouldjudgemebythedecisionsIhadmadeinmylife?
Helookedlikehewasabouttosaysomethingbutheswallowedanddecidednotto

sayanything.IletmyglaresoftenalittlebeforeIletitdisappeartotally.

"Ididn'tmeantosoundjudgmental,"hestartedtoapologize."I'mjusttryingtoask

questionsthatthereaderswillaskwhenwepublishthisstory.Wedon'twantanyone
lookingforholeswheretherearenone.I'msorry."

"It's alright. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm not used to this whole thing. Let's

continue."

"Are you sure you don't want us to stop here for today, and continue some other

time?LikeonSkypeorIMOtomorrow?"

"Isthisyoutryingtoavoidme?"Iaskedwitharaisedbrow.
"Absolutelynot.It'sjustthatthecommutefromSanFranciscotothisplaceiscrazy."
"Ifyousayso,"Isaidandmovedawayfromthetable.LookedlikeIhadtakenthings

alittletoofarthistime.

1 4

D Y L A N

ythetimewefinishedwiththefirstphaseoftheinterview,Iwasbeyondtired.Iwas

exhausted both physically, mentally and probably even emotionally, even though I
didn'texactlyknowwhatthatlastonemeant.I'veheardpeopleuseallthreetogether,
sothat'swhatIjustdid.

I packed my recorder, notepad, and pen back into my satchel and stared back at

Alexawhowaslookingsomewhatremorseful.Ihadnoideawhatitwasshefeltbadfor
andseeingaswehadspentthewholeeveningtogether,Iwonderedwhyshehadthis
suddenchangeofdemeanor.

"Areyoualright?"Iasked.
"I'mgood."
"Youdon'tlookgood.Youlookremorseful,andthatlookdoesnotinanywaysuit

you."

Thatcrackedopenasmallsmile."Well,Iguessitdoesn't.Ihopeyoudidn'thaveto

cutthesessionshortbecauseofthewayIreacted."

"Absolutely not. What kind of a reporter would I be if I get scared off over every

littlesquabble?"

"Ithoughtso,too.Butwhyareweendingthissoearly?"
"BecauseIthinkyouneedactualrest.Youlooklikeyouneedit.Didyouevenlook

inthemirrorbeforecominghere?"Iasked,andsheshookherhead."Exactly.Wecan
continuethisviavideocalltomorrow.Andthatpartaboutnotunderstandingwhatit's
like to have to choose pride over all else? I totally understand. I've had quite the
experiencewithitmyself."

"Youhavehaven'tyou?"
"Trustme,Ihave.Itmightnotbethesame,butIhave."
"Family?"
"Yeahfamily."
"Whydon'tyoutellmeonethingaboutyouforachange?I'dreallyliketohearit,"

shesaid.

"Thisisyourinterview,notmine,remember?Ishouldbetheoneaskingallofthe

questions?"

"You should be trying to make me happy here. I'm doing you a great service of

grantingyouanexclusiveinterviewfornocost.Theleastyoucoulddoisanswermy

questions."

"You'redoingitforfreehuh?"Iretortedplayfully.
"Yup.LasttimeIchecked,Iwasn'tcollectingadime."
"SowhatwouldyoucalltheplatesoffoodandthecupsofcoffeeIjustbought?"
"Agiftfromonefriendtoanother?"sherepliedwithawidegrin.
"LasttimeIchecked,ma'am,Iwasjustanacquaintance.Sothatdoesn'tcount."
"Oh,comeon!It'sjustonequestion.Youaskedmeamillionalready."
"Inevertellthingsaboutmyselfonfirstdates,"Ireplied."Iendupjinxingthings."
"There'snothingtojinxhere.Youjinxeditfromthenightwemet.Nowseriously."
"Fine.Justone.Asyouwellknow,I'mabrokeassreporter.I'veabitofaninflated

egoso,despiteallofthetroublesI'vehad,Ican'taffordtogobacktomyfamilyandask
them for help. It doesn't look good for me. Especially considering that everyone
thoughtI'dbestudyinglawincollege."

"Oh.Youstrayed!"
"Ididn'tstray.That'snottheword.Ifoundmytruecalling.I'dalwayslovedtowrite,

butmyfatherdidn'tseejournalismasworthyenoughofaprofession."

"Journalismisagoodenoughprofessionasany."
"Tellthattomyfather.Hehadsuchbigplansforme."
"Sohashefinallyacceptedyourdreamsforwhattheyare?"
"Hedideventually.WhenIgottheinternshipherewiththemagazine,herealized

how good of a writer I was to be able to score an internship with a huge magazine
name.I'msogladhedidn'tgettoseemespiraldown."

"Youhaven'ttoldhimyou'renotdoingtoowell,haveyou?"
"There'snoonetotell.MyfatherdiedshortlyafterIgottheinternship.Ifthereis

anythingIamgladfor,it'sthefactthatIwasabletosortthingsoutwithhimbeforehe
died. I never would've been able to forgive myself if we had gone on being angry at
eachothertillhedied."

"What are you trying to say to me?" she asked, her eyebrows drawn into a thin

straightline.IknewIshouldtreadcarefullyhereorIwouldgetherangryagain.The
lastthingIwantedtoinvokewasheranger.

"I'mnottryingtosayanythingtoofarfetched.Justthatsometimes,wetendtothink

thatwehaveallthetimeintheworldtospendwithourfamily—ourlovedones.We
thinkthattheyhaveallthetimeintheworldtoo,soitdoesn'tmatterrightnowifwe
aren'tongoodenoughtermswiththem.

"But here's the truth I've come to learn, Alexa. We don't have all the time in the

worldtoplayangergames.Idon'tknowwhohurtwhointhisissueofyourfolksand
you,butifyoustillhaveparentsthatyoucanfightwith,youshouldbegratefulforthat.
Sowhenyouhavemisunderstandings,insteadofkeepinggrudges,settletheonesyou
cannow,andlivetofightanotherday.Thismightbenoneofmybusiness,butIthink
youshouldatleastcheckonyourparentswhileyoustillcan."

Hereyebrowsrelaxedjustabit,andatthatmoment,Icouldswearthatshewasnot

angryanymore.Thatmywordshadconnectedwithheronewayortheother.Thatshe
understood.Shetookadeepbreath.

"You'reright.It'snoneofyourbusiness,"shesaidandwalkedoutofthecaféwithout

anotherword.

I stared at the space that a few minutes ago were occupied by her, and I cursed

myself. Why couldn't I just mind my damned business? I was too weak to even run
afterher.Ijustplacedmyheadonthetableandletmyeyescloseshut.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and the text message alert beeped twice. It was

her: “Wanna come to my apartment now instead of IMO tomorrow? Could save you
thetraveltimeandcost.I'mwaitingoutside.”

1 5

A L E X A

hadnoideawhyIdecidedtoinvitehimtomyapartmenttocontinuetheinterview.It

justseemedliketherightthingtodoafterthewayIwalkedoutonhim.Hehad,after
all,beenonlytellingthetruth.Apartofmerealizedthis,butIwastooscaredtoaccept
it.Itwasn'tuntilIsteppedoutofthecafé,thatIrealizeditwassuchastupidthingtodo.
Hencethetext.DylanwastheclosestI'vehadtoanactualfriendinawhile,andIthink
Ikindoftrustedhim.

I had thought he wouldn't come out to meet me, but he practically ran out of the

café.Ihadteasedhimaboutit,andhehadsaidsomethingaboutnotlosinghismuse
thisearlyintothejourney.

Dylanwasdoingaprettygoodjobofmakinghimselfathomeinmyapartment.
He had made himself a cup of coffee, settled into a chair and was watching

televisionasIsteppedintothebathroomtohaveabathandchangeintoapairofshorts
andatanktop.Ialmostpulledthetankonwithoutabra,completelyforgettingIhada
guest.

His laughter at something he was watching snapped me back to reality, and I

quicklywentbackandpulledonabraIhunginthebathroomthenightbefore.WhenI
steppedoutside,hewassettinghisjournalandpenonthecoffeetable.

"Now you look like an actual person," he said as I sat on the beanbag beside the

chairhewassittingon.

"Youapparentlyhaven'tlearnedyourlessonstill,"Ijoked."Icouldhaveyoukicked

outevennow,youknow?"

"Thenpleaseacceptmyapologies,yourroyalpainintheass,"Heteasedback.
I smiled at him weakly. He was a pretty cool person. Another time, another

circumstance, I wanted to think we might actually have made good friends. He was
goofy,fun,smartandseemednottotakethingstooseriously;justthekindofpeopleI
likedtohangoutwith.

"Yourapologieshavebeenrecognizedandaccepted,"Isaidwithaslightbowofmy

head.

"Shallwegetrightdowntobusiness?"heasked.
"Soserious,"Ireplied."Fine,wherewerewe?"
"We'vecoveredalotofgroundalready.Idon'tneedyougoingoverwhathappened

toyoutheothernightbecauseIunderstandhowtraumatizingitcanbe.ButIdohave

toaskyourpermissiontoaddthatparttothestory.Iremembereverywordyoutold
meaboutit,butIstillneedyourgoahead."

"Doesithavetobeinthere?"Iasked,notbotheringtohidetheskepticismIfelt.
"Itdoesn'thavetobeinthere.Butitshouldbeinthere.Thisisyourstory.Andyour

storyisn'tcompletewithoutthatpartinthere.Otherthanthefactthatitwouldendear
youtoalotofthereaders,itwouldhelpthoseothergirlsoutthereknowthattheycan
grow beyond whatever bad experiences they've had. Remember this isn't about you
anymore."

"But…"
"But nothing," he said gently. "You've given these men far too much power over

you. I'm willing to bet that the next days after it happened you were not able to get
yourselftogoout.Andfromtheothernight,Icantellforsureyouhaven'tbeenableto
havesexwithanyone.Thatisyougivingthemtoomuchpoweroveryou.Sexiseven
farfetched.Iamwillingtobetthatyoucan'tevenkissamanwithoutcringing."

"Ican,"Isaiddefiantly.
"Right.Whydoesitseemlikeyou'retryingtoconvinceyourself?"
"I'mnottryingtoconvinceanyone,"Isaid,andeventhoughIwastryingsohardto

believemyself,evenIdidn'theartheconvictioninmyvoice.

"Right."
Ididn'tlikewhathewasinsinuating,andIwantedtoprovetohimthatIwasvery

muchcapableofkissingaman.Ihadgottenoverthosebeasts,andIwouldproveitto
myself.AcrazynotionformedinmyheadandtheharderItriedtopushitaway,the
moreitmadesense.Ishouldactuallyshuthimupwiththisideainmyhead.

Just as he was about to say something, most likely a snide comment about my

inabilitytomovethefuckon,Ipulledmyselfuptomykneesandplantedakissonhis
lips.

Hislipsweresoftandtastedofamixofcoffeeandthesweetnessofmaplesyrup—

theonehehadprobablytastedwhenhestolesomeofmypancakesatthecafé.

ThenightappearedtomeinflashesasIcontinuedtokisshimdespitewhatseemed

likearesistanceonhispart.TheharderItriedtopushthememoriesdown,themore
they came up. I wouldn't let them get the better of me. I was stronger than this. I
forgedonuntileventually,Dylanopenedhismouthtomeandactuallykissedmeback.

SatisfiedbywhatIhadmanagedtoaccomplishwithjustamove,Ipulledawayfrom

him.Hewasobviouslydazed.

"Whatwasthatfor?"heasked.
"ToprovetoyouthatIamverymuchcapableofkissingsomeone,"Irepliedwitha

smirk.

"Thatwasquitethedaringmove.Butthequestionis,didyouactuallydoitbecause

you wanted to and felt like it, or just because you wanted to prove a point? Did you
actually enjoy the kiss or was it a chore? That is the question you ought to ask
yourself,"hesaidandturnedbacktohisnotepad.

Iknewwhatthiswas.Hewastryingtobaitme.Hewantedmetokisshimagain.But

towhatend.ImanagedaglanceathimandIsawhewasn'tevenlookingmyway.He
wasbusyscribblingsomethinginhisnotepadlikeIdidn'texist.Ithoughtbacktowhat
hesaid.DidIactuallyenjoythatkiss?Allthattime,mymindhadbeenontryingtoget

themoutofmymind.Ithadindeedbeenachorenotsomethingofdesire.Howlong
wasIgoingtolivelikethis?

I heard Dylan call my name and just as I turned to answer him, I felt his lips on

mineagain.Hewastheonethatstartedtokissmethistime.Iclosedmyeyesandtried
myhardesttoaccepthim.First,thatisallIdid.Tried.Thenasthekissgrewdeeper,I
actually felt myself starting to loosen up. I felt myself soaring gently out of the old
worldandmovedintothisnewone.IfeltthehungerinhiskissandIalsofeltmyown
hunger grow with his. To my shock, he pulled away immediately, leaving me
breathless.Thistime,Ifeltit.Goshhaditbeensolong!Toolonginfact.Mylipswere
hot,andIcouldsweartheywouldlookfieryred.

"Why…whydidyoustop?"
"Because I want to see if it was a chore as well this time. It apparently wasn't," he

saidwithasmile."Nowshallwegettoactualwork?"

Work,Ithought.Work,hesaid.Whatwasthisman?Workafterhehadmanagedto

awakenmeaftersolong?Hehadtobekiddingme.Hishandswereoutstretchedbefore
me,peninoneandnotepadintheother.

"Right.Workindeed,"Isaidandtossedthepenandnotepadaway.
"Whatis…"beforehecouldcompletehissentence,Ikissedhimfullonthemouth.
"Ohwow,"hemurmuredundermylips.Heclaspedhishandsbehindmyhead,and

he started to kiss me back. I felt the heat of his mouth. He was quite the kisser. No
wonder he had kept at it the other night. He would never have believed that anyone
couldresisthim.Ifithadn'tbeenforthewayIwaswired,Iprobablywouldneverhave
beenableto.

Hiskissesgrewdeeper,andIclungtohimlikealeech.Histonguetouchedmylips,

seeking entrance into my mouth. I let him in, fully aware of what I was doing and
thoroughlyenjoyingit.Myfingersmovedthroughhishairandthendowntohistee.
Myfingersplayedonhischestthroughhisclothes,andthentheywerebacktohishair.

Hisownhandsmovedawayfrommyfaceandstartedtomoveinsmallcirclesover

mybody.Wewerebothonourkneesnow,kissingwithsomuchfire.Hishandsmoved
frommynecktomybreasts,andIcouldfeeltheheatofhispalmseventhroughmy
braandtank.Ashetouched,Ifelttheflashestryingtocometotheforefront.

Fuckthem.Ishouldstarttolivemylifenow.Ithadbeenmorethanayear.Acouple

ofmenhadtriedinthattimeandfailed.Icouldn'tcontinuelikethis.Imovedhishands
from above the tank to underneath, pushing my bra the top of my chest. I felt him
resistasIplacedhishandsonmybreasts.

"What?"Iwhispered.
"Areyou…areyousureaboutthis?"
Iwasn't.Notonebit.Istillfeltthefearandpanicrisingwithinme.ButifIadmitted

such to Dylan, he'd stop right away. "Stop making it sound so serious. It's just sex," I
saidtohimlikeImeantit."Youhaveonlyonejobtodohere,andthatistofuckme.
Hard.Nowdoyourjob."

"Butthestory…"
"Thestorywon'trunawaybytomorrow.Tonight,youarenotthejournalist.You're

theguythatgoesonthisjollyride.Nowstoptalkingtoomuchandgettowork,"Isaid
andplantedanotherkissonhislips.

Hepulledhishandsawayfromundermytankandunclaspedmybradespitethatit

wasn'tevenintheway.Hishandsskimmedovermybreaststhroughmytank,andhe
pinchedmynipples.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtodie.Thiswasheavenly.Imoanedagainst
him. He continued to play with my nipples, most definitely enjoying my reaction to
him.Thefearwasrearingitsheadagain,butIclosedmyselftoit.

His kisses started to trail from my lips to my neck as he rolled my tank over my

chestandpulleditoff.Ashismouthclosedovermybreast,Iarchedbackrelishingthe
delightashistonguetantalizedme.

"Ohshit."Imanagedtomurmur.Ithadbeentoolong.Ialmostforgotwhatthisfelt

like.Ireachedforhispantsimmediately,andheswattedmyhandsoffliketheywere
somesortofflies.

"No.Idoallthework,"hesaidhuskily."Todayit'saboutyou."
He reached for the button of my shorts and popped them open quickly. Before I

couldreact,hewasunzippingmyfly,andhishandswerehoveringabovemyshorts.
Thank God I had done some grooming the week before. Who would have thought I
would have gotten lucky? I nodded in assent of what he was about to do and
immediatelyheslippedhishandsintomyshorts.Mybreathcaughtashereachedthe
promisedland.AsItriedtoopenmylegstoaccepthishands,mykneehitthelegofthe
coffeetable.

"Fuck!"Icursed.Ithurtlikehell.
DylanlaughedatmeasIscowledatthetableforruiningsuchamoment.
"What'ssofunny?"
BeforeIcouldsayanotherword,hekissedme.WhateversnideremarksIwasabout

to make disappeared immediately. His fingers found their way back into my shorts
again,andthistime,IwascarefulasIopenedmylegstoletthemthrough.Idugmy
fingers into his back as he slipped his fingers inside me. I momentarily stopped
breathing as he built momentum inside me and to my own surprise, I came almost
immediately.Iwasapparentlyoutofpractice.

Heslippedhisfingersoutofmeandpushedmegentlytothefloor.Dylanrestedhis

elbows on the floor by either side of me and was almost on top of me. A part of me
wanted to run away from him as fast as I could. This brought back the memories of
thatmanbentoverme.Iclosedmyeyestightandwishedthememoriesaway.They
didn'tdisappear,butIdidn'tletthemruleme.

He moved a little lower and started to kiss my breasts again. He apparently didn't

realizemyneedforurgency.Myheartpoundedviolentlyinmyribcageashesuckled
onebreastandkneadedtheother.HeraisedhisheadandsaidsomethingIdidn'tquite
catchthefirsttime.

"What?"
"Condoms.Gotany?"
"Yeah. Sure." I whispered and got up. I headed toward my bedside table, grabbed

some and went back out to him. The panic still wanted me to run like hell but I
wouldn't.Iwasnotonetorunfrommyproblems.ThatwaswhyIneededhimtoget
insidemeassoonaspossiblebeforeIchangedmymind.Ihurriedlytorethefoilpacket
andhandedittohim.Ipreparedmymindforwhatwastocomeasheslippedthelatex
overhimself.

When he slid into me, I felt a shudder of pain, relief, pleasure, and lust all at the

sametime.IcouldneverhaveguessedthatIwouldfeelalloftheemotionsatthesame
time.Deepdowninme,IthankmystarsthatIhadgoneoutthenightIdid.Iprobably
neverwouldhavebrokenawayfromtheirgraspsifIdidn't.

It took a while but finally, I wrapped my legs around his hips, I felt him begin to

moveinsidemewithslow,practicedstrokes.Shit!Hewasgood.Igroanedloudlyashe
began to move inside me and I was practically shaking with every thrust. This time,
whenIfeltthequickeninginsideme,Iforcedmyselftoholdonalittlelonger.Littleby
little,thefearstartedtoetchawayandwasreplacedbysheerpleasure.

"Oh,my!Oh,shit!Fuck!"IfoundmyselfcussingasIgotnearerandnearertomy

peak.WhenIdidcome,Icouldn'tevenfindtherightwordforthewayitfelt.Icriedout
Dylan's name as I felt the wave of pleasure wash me to the brink and back. It was
worthit.Thiswasworthit.Iwasfinallyfreeofmycurse.

Dylancontinuedtomoveinsideme,seekinghisownrelease.Whenhecriedoutand

fellontopofmeashecame,Ifeltfulfilled.Ihaddoneitforhim,too.Helaidontopof
me,stillforamomentandthenheraisedhisheadtokissmeonthelips.

"Thatwasn'tsobadfortestingthewatersnow,wasit?"heteased.
Ismiled.Notintheleastbitbad.

1 6

D Y L A N

t'd been a week since the night at Alexa's. We'd been talking, but it had just been

surface discussions. Nothing that dealt with the underlying situation and how to deal
withit.Alexawascomingovertotheofficetodaytocontinuewiththeinterview.The
excusethatIgaveinvitingheroverwasthatIwantedustohaveachangeofscenery.
The actual reason was that I didn't know if I wanted to be alone with her for fear of
whatcouldhappen.

ShemightnotseeitasIdo,butIfearedforher.Ifearedthatthis'rediscovery'ofsex

mightleadtoherimmersingherselfcompletelyinit,suchthatshesoughtsolaceand
comfortinit.IthadcrossedmymindmoretimesthanIcaretonote,thatshemight
run into someone else's arms when I was not around. And what if she fell into the
handsofyetanotherrapistthistime?Therewasnotellingwhatcouldhappenincases
oftrauma.

My phone rang, and when I answered it, she told me that she was in front of the

officebuilding.ItoldhertogointothebarrightacrosstheofficeandthatI'dmeether
soon.Thebarwasamuchsaferoptionthantheoffice.Themomentshesetherfootin
thisofficebuilding,everyonewouldknowaboutmynewstory,wouldknowshewas
thehooker,andapartofmecringedwhenIthoughtofwhatcouldhappenafterward.

Shuttingdownmysystem,Ihurriedoutofthenewsroombeforeanyonecouldcall

metoattendtosomeother'pressing'errands.Shewasseatedinaratherobscurepart
of the bar when I got there. It was as though she and I had been thinking the same
thing.IhadgotabottleofbeerbeforeIheadedovertojoinher.

"Ireallydon'tknowwhyyouhadtodragmeallthewaydownhere,Dylan,"shesaid

by way of greeting when I got to her. "We could have waited till whenever it is you
couldhavecomedowntomyplace."

"I'm really sorry to have dragged you all the way. I had to finish up some things

here, so I thought to use the travel time. Would you like something else to drink?" I
asked,pointingtowardheralmostemptyMartiniglass.

"Nah.I'mgood."
"Alright then," I said and slid into the chair opposite her, putting my notepad and

penbesidethebottleofbeer."Shallwe?"

"Ofcourse."
"Sowhatmadeyoudecideschoolwasyourbestbet?Youcouldhavedecidedthat

yourotherlifebroughtinmoneyasopposedtoschoolthattakesitaway."

"The fact that some of us live on the streets doesn't mean we don't have dreams.

Likeeveryoneelse,wehavedreams,hopes,andaspirations.Minewastodobusiness
management."

"BusinessManagement.Quiteaninterestingchoice.Ineverwould'vethought."
"Oh,thereareamillionthingsaboutmeyouneverwould'vethought,sir,"shesaid

withamischievousgrin.

"I'mnotevengoingtoaskwhatandwhatthatis.Butgoingbacktowhatwewere

talking about. I don't know, but business management and your lifestyle don't sound
likeagoodmix."

"Forgettheillusionyou'vebeenfedthatseeminglyboringandseriouscoursesonly

have boring people as students. Management is the end. My lifestyle is the means to
thatend."

"Andattheendoftheday,what'stheplan?"
"Everyotherperson'splan;toownandrunamultinationalcompanyoneday."
"That'sgoodtoknow.Doyouknowothergirlswhohavethesamegoalsasyours?

Togotoschool?"

"There are quite a number. But the real question is, do they actually get to go to

school.Onlyveryfewareluckyenoughtogetoutandmakesomethinggoodoftheir
lives."

As I opened my mouth to ask another question, I felt a shadow fall over me. He

spoke before I could even utter another word. How in the world did I not hear him
approachus?Chriswasstaringdownatmewithaslysmile;asthoughhethoughtthis
wasyetanotheroneofmy'preys.’

"IthoughtitwasyouwhenIcameinhere,"Chrissaidtome."Iwaslookingaround

foryouattheoffice.Didn'tcrossmymindyou'dbehere."

"Yeah,Ihadtocomework."
"Hi.I'mChris,"HesaidwithanoutstretchedhandtoAlexa."Weworktogether."
"I'mAlexa,"shereplied,takinghishandbeforeIcouldwarnheragainstsayingher

name.

"Oh,Alexa,"Chrissaidwithaknowinglook."It'snicetofinallymeetyou."
"Finallymeetme?"Alexaasked,stillconfusedaboutthewholething.
I decided it was time for me to come in. "We worked on the pitch of the story

together."Ioffered.

"Oh,"Alexasaidwithsomethingthatlookedlikedisappointment,andIknewwhat

she was thinking. One person already knew who she was. There was no telling how
many others who would know if Chris decided to squeal, which I doubted that he
would.Heunderstoodhowsensitivethisstorywas.

"Hey, seeing as I'm friends with Dylan, you think you can give me a discount on

yourservices?"Chrisaskedtomyutterchagrin.

Alexa'seyeshadgonewild,andshewasredwithembarrassment.Shehadn'tsaida

word,butIthinkshewasgoingtopunchChrisintheface.

"Dude!Notcoolatall!"Isaidandglaredathim.
"Hey, I was just joking. I'm sorry," he apologized. "I know you're not in that line

anymore. I'm just going to leave before things get a lot more awkward than they

alreadyare,"hesaidandhurriedoffbeforeAlexacouldacceptorrejecthisapology.

"I'm really, truly sorry, Alexa. He has a weird and quite inappropriate sense of

humor."

"Really?Senseofhumor?Hepracticallyrubbeditinmyface.Askingforadiscount

because he's your friend!" she said, hissing. "What gives him the—Wait, did you tell
himwhathappenedbetweenustheothernight?Isthatwhatthisisabout?Toaddhim
tothelist,too?"

"I swear I didn't tell him anything. Other than when I just met you, and we were

workingonthepitchwithPaula.Nothingmore.Iswearit."

"You'requicktoswear.Doesn'tmeanIbelieveyou."
"I know it is hard to believe, but why would I do that to you? We're friends for

cryingoutloud!"

"Isthatwhatweare?OryouthinkI'mjustahookerwhoyougettosleepwith."
"Youaremyfriend,Alexa.Thisthingstartedasastory,butthatiswhatIseeyouas

now.Afriend.Anditdoesn'tevenmatterthatwhathappeneddid.Irespectyoualot
regardless."

Shesatbackinherchair,contemplatingwhethertobelievemeornot.Ididn'tsay

anotherwordbeforeIcameacrossastoopushy.

"Fine.Butabouttheothernight.Iguessweneedtotalkaboutit."
"Ummm,Alexa.Aboutwhathappened…doesthatmean…"shedidn'tletmefinish.
"Dylan,pleasedon'ttakethispersonal.You'reanamazingguy,butrightnowI'mnot

cutoutforthat.I'vegotalotmoreonmyplate."

"Ibegyourpardon?"Iasked,confused.Whatintheworldwasshegoingonabout?
"Dylan,youshouldknowhowthisworks.Ifyou'rethinkingwe'reinarelationship

or ought to be in a relationship because of this; then I think we'll have to keep our
relationshipstrictlyprofessional.Thisdoesn'tendinaromanticrelationship,Dylan."

"Huh?"
"Soyoucan'thandlejustsex?Ithappenedthen,andwhileIdon'tdoubtthefactthat

itmighthappenagain,I'mnotlookingforexclusivityoraseriousrelationship.Isthat
toomuchforyou?"

"No. Not at all." I say with a smile. I heave a sigh of relief on the inside, thinking

whataluckyguyIam.Ididn'tevenhavetogivethespeech.Shedid.

"I'mgladweunderstandeachother.Sowhatarewedoingnow?"
"Goingbacktowork,"Isaidstillsmiling.

1 7

A L E X A

satinfrontofmylaptopwaitingeagerlyforDylantocallonSkype.Forsomereason

(andoddlyenough),Iwasfindingmyselfmoreandmorecomfortablewithhavinghim
around.Itwaslikeheknewjustwhattosaytometomakemydaywithouthavingto
trysohardorseemsocheeky.AndthefactthatwithhimIwasfreetobewhoIreally
was is what blew my mind the most. The beauty of it all was the fact that our
relationship had, so far, not been complicated by the undue romance that seemed to
ruinthingsforeveryone.

"Whyexactlyhaveyoubeensittinginfrontofthatthingallday?"Patriceaskedas

sheenteredintomyroom.

"What?"
"Whyhaveyoubeensittinginfrontofyourlaptopallday?LasttimeIcheckedwe

didn'thaveanassignmentortestsopressingthatyouhavetositthereallday."

"Ihaven'tbeensittinghereallday.Stopexaggerating,Patrice."
"Oh you haven't, but your mind has. I've been watching you, ma'am. Before now,

youwereintheliving,butyoukeptonturningbacktotheentranceofthedoor.You
weregazingattheclockoverandover,anditseemedlikeIwaswastingyourtimeby
talkingtoyou."

"Ididn'tmakeitseemlikethat."
"Ohtrustme,youdid.Youmadeitfeelmuchworse.Butthatisbesidethepoint.The

important thing I'm trying to pass across here is that you have been too focused on
yourroomandlaptopthatIambeginningtowonderwhatexactlyisgoingon.Didyou
signupforanonlineescortserviceorsomething?Youknowyoucantellmeright?"

"Ididn'tsignupforanescortservice."
"Sowhatisit?Haveyoumetsomeone?Didyoumeetamanyouarenottellingme

about?" Patrice said and ran over to my side. She plopped herself on the floor and
staredatmewithwidepuppyeyes.

Irolledmyeyes.Patricecouldbesomelodramaticsometimes.Ididn'tunderstand

howshemanagedtobesodramatic.Iconsideredwhethertotellherornot.Shehadno
ideawhathappenedbetweenDylanandme,andknowingher,tellingherwouldbea
totally terrible idea. She would never let me live it down. If I didn't tell her, and she
foundout,Iwouldbeinanotherbowloftrouble.

"Dylan is supposed to call me, and I really don't want him to call me when I'm

caughtupinonethingoranother,"Isaidinstead.

"Dylan?LikethejournalistDylan?Whendidyouguysbecomesoclose?"
"Erm,aquickreminder,ma'am,heworkswithmeonastory.It'sonlynormalthat

wegetclose."

"Butnotthisclose.Ismellarat.Ahugefatrat.Spill!"
"It'snothing.We'resupposedtojusttalkaboutstuff."
"It'snot nothing, Alexa. In case you have chosen to ignore the obvious, Dylan has

kindofbeenthetopicofmostofourdiscussionsoflate.It'sbeenwhat,twoweeksand
wehavespokenaboutitalmosteverysingledayforthepastweek.What'sup?"

"Nothing'sgoingon."
"So,nothingatallhappenedbetweenyouguys?Orwillhappen."
"Promiseyouwon'tfreakoutifItellyousomething?"
"OhmyGod!"Patricesaidwithwideeyes."OhmyGod!"
"Stopsayingthat.Iknewyou'dfreakout."
"Fine,I'mcalm."Shesaidwithexaggerateddeepbreaths."Hitmewithit."
"DylanandIkindofhookedupaboutaweekago.It'snothingserious.Justafling.It

wasjustacrazynight,andwejustdecidedtogetatit."

"Uh, by hook up you mean you guys actually had sex?" she asked, and I nodded.

"Ohshit!You'rekiddingme."

"Nojokes,babe.Weactuallydid."
"Sowhatyouguysareanitemnow?Wow."
"No! Nothing like that. We aren't an item or anything like that. We're just really

good friends that like to hang out with each other and bang when the urges arise.
Nothingmore."

"That'swhattheyallsay."Patrice,evertheparanoidskepticsaid.
"Well,thisisn'toneofthosethings.Wehaveanagreementthatthisisgoingtobe

strictly fun and games. No serious business. If I want the serious business, I'll go
huntingforaboyfriend.ButIdon'tthinkIhavethestrengthforthatkindofthing,so
I'mjustgoingtochillhereandenjoymyself."

"Andheagreedtothat?"
"Whywouldn'the?He'snottherelationshippersoneither,soIdidn'tevenhaveto

convincehimatall."

"I don't know, Alexa. This whole thing sounds like a really complicated game that

willleadtopeoplegettinghurt."

"Nooneisgettinghurthere,Patrice.That'sjustthesaintinyouspeaking.We'reboth

adults, and we've both spoken to each other and agreed that this thing is going to be
justthewayitis;justsex.Nothingmore.Nomutuallyexclusiverelationship,notitles,
noclinginganything."

"Thenwhyisitthatyou'restuckinfrontofyourlaptopwaitingforhimtocall?"

sawthelittlegirl,andIknewthiswasitagain.Icouldfeelasenseofdéjàvuasastrong

windblew,andtheairgotevencolder.Iknewthisthing;Iknewthisplace.Iknewthis
feeling.Ihadseenthisbefore.Countlesstimes,too.Onlysomethingsvaried.Thistime,

insteadofthebright,lovelysunoverhead,therewassomethingelse.Aroundobjectthat
looked like the sun but was not quite as bright. Like the previous dream, perfectly
trimmed dried grasses that looked like beautifully done fibers of carpeting laid on the
floor.Againlikebefore,therewasnotasingleentityinsight.

Thecloudsabovehadgottendarker,thentheybrightenup,andthentheygotdarker

again.Ididn'tunderstandhowthecloudscouldchangesomuch.Whywasitfindingitso
hardtodecideifitwantedtobeadarkcloudorabrightbeautifulone?

I looked away from the clouds to the green carpeting of grasses. Maybe that would

calm me considerably. It didn't. The carpeting had gone from a bright green to a very
bright red. Like it had been wet with red paint or worse still, blood. I let out a loud
scream.Ihadn'tseenthisthingbefore.WhenIlookeddownatit,admiringit,ithadbeen
abrightgreen.OnethatremindedmeofhowtrulybeautifulMotherNaturewas.Ilooked
awayimmediately.Mythree-year-oldcompanionfromthelastdream,andinfactallthe
others,wasbackagain.

Thistimeshewasnotalone.Herplaitedponytailonbothsidesofherfacehadgiven

waytolongsoftcurlsthatjustframedherfaceperfectly.Blondewasagoodlookonher.
The girl was not alone this time. There was someone, someone I had seen before, but
couldn'trecognizeinthisdream,wasplayingwithher.Thelittlegirlseemedsoatpeace
andhappythistime.Shewaslaughingfromwithinherheartandwithoutreservations.
Hercompanionwasjustashappy.

Together they walked the length of what was now transforming right in front of my

eyesintoagarden.ItwasoddbutiffeltlikeIcouldfeelthecoolbreezefromthegarden
hitmyfaceasithitthegirls.Idrewinaverylongbreathandhelditintryingtoseeifthis
wasrealornot.Ididn'tknowwhattomakeofthis.Wasthisadreamormyreality?

Or had I died and gone to heaven? I closed my eyes and let the fragrance from the

garden fill me up. Even that feeling couldn't be fake now, could it? I could smell a wide
rangeofflowers—SweetAutumnClematis,GardenPhlox,Roses,Lilies—Ibreathedinand
held onto the fragrance of the Sweet Autumn Clematis—the sweet smell of the Garden
Phlox—thefaintwhiffoftherosescentfromtheroseflowers,allthewhilewatchingtheir
beautyastheywerebeingbathedbytheraysofthesun.Ilookedup.Whereintheworld
werethesunrayscomingfrom?Therewereseveralotherfragrancesfillingmynostrils,
butIdidn'thavethetimeorpatiencetobebotheredtoseparateonefromanother.Allthat
matterswasthefactthatIwashereandIreallywantedtoknowwhyintheworldIwas
hereandwhatIwastolearnfromthisepisodeof'Dreams.'

Thegirlwasstillaheadlaughingandplayingwithherfriend.Allofasudden,thecloud

gotdark,reallydarkandIlookedaroundtryingtofindthelittlegirl,butshewasnowhere
insight.Ilookedagainbutstillnothing.ThenIheardaloudlaughfromahead,andIran
uptowardwhereIheardthelaughfrom.Thegirlswerethere,buttheminuteIgotthere,a
pairofhandsappearedfromnowhereandsnatchedmylittlegirl'sfriend.Atthatmoment,
thelittlemestartedtowailloudly.MyheartbrokeasIwatchedhercry.

ShehadjustlostherfriendtoapairofhandsthatIdidn'tseearound.JustasItriedto

reachforhertocomforther,thescenechanged.

Ithappenedliketheothertime—liketheotherdream.Thegirlwasgrownnow.
Teenageme.Ididn'tknowhowthiskepthappeninganddespitethefactthatIwasnot

in the dream, I wondered to myself. But was this still a dream? Could one wonder in a

dream?Couldonetalktooneselfinthedream?

Aswiththepreviousdream,thegirlandherfamilywereseatedandhavingfun.
Themotherwasplayingwithherhair,andthefatherwasteasingher.JustwhenIwas

starting to get used to the sereneness to this particular aspect of the dream, the cloud
changedagain.Therewasaflashinthesky,thencoveredbyyetanotherflash.

Another pair of hands appeared from behind the woman who was the girl's mother

again and snatched her out of the picture. I stared in disbelief at the empty spot where
shehadjustbeengrabbedfrom.Whydidthiskeephappening?Whywasthiscomingto
me?Wasitarepressedmemory,Ithought.

Thegirlhadturnedtoherfatheragain,andshewasabouttostartarguingwithhim,

the cloud went dark. This time I was prepared for what was to come and I dreaded it.
Who was the pair of hands going to grab this time? The girl or her father? As the girl
continuedtoblameherfather,apairofhandsappearedfromnowhereandgrabbedthe
father.Thegirlscreamedasshewatchedthehandstakeherfatheraway.

Shecollapsedtothefloorandstartedtocryandwail.Thenavoicefromnowherecried

outwitharant.

Ijumpedoutofmysleepanddreamcoveredinsweat.Thewordsthatwerelastsaid

inthedreamcontinuedtohauntmymind.Lifehastakenallyouholddear,thevoice
hadsaid.Iwipedoffthesweatfrommyforehead,andasIwasabouttoturntowardthe
door,IcamefacetofacewithPatrice.

"Thedreamagain?"sheaskedwithasympatheticgaze,andInodded.
"Whatdidyouseethistime?"Sheaskedagain,andIexplainedeverysinglescenein

thedreamtoher."Don'tyouthinkthesedreamsaretryingtotellyousomething?"

"Patrice,Idon'thavethestrengthtodealwithyourparanoiatoday."
"I'mnotparanoid,Alexa.Listentowhatyoujustnarratedtome.Eveninthedream,

you've been given a bit of a hint into what might be happening. You lost your
childhoodfriendtolife."

"Weallloseourchildhoodfriends,Patrice.Itmightnothavehappenedtoyou,but

it's a perfectly normal thing. People outgrow each other. People move to other areas
andleavetheiroldfriendsbehind.Peopleleavetheirfriendsallthetime.Doyouknow
howmanyfriendsI'vebeenseparatedfromsincechildhood?"

"Yourmom?"
"Patrice…"
"Yourmomwasalsotakenfromyou.Whatdoyousaywhenthingsgodownsouth

foryou?Shithappened,orlifehappened.Andthelastpartaboutyourfatheriswhat
scaresmethemost.Itscarestheshitoutofme.Youshouldseriouslylookintothat."

"I'm not a psychic Patrice. All of these things are just a manifestation of my inner

thoughts.HowintheworldwouldInotevenhavestupiddreamsabouthandsandlife
andmyfamilywhenyouandDylanwon'tletmeheartheendofit?TheonlyreasonI
had these dreams today is because the thoughts have crossed my mind a lot this
evening.IonlydreamtofwhatIwasthinkingof."

"Whyareyousodamnedstubborn?Whycan'tyoujustswallowyourprideandgo

backhometoyourfather?He'dbesopleasedtoseeyoucomebacktohim—toseeyou
comebackhome."

"Patrice,I'mnotgoingtohavethisconversationwithyou."

"What if something happened to him? Or something will eventually? Aren't you

scared of that possibility? If anything happens to him, you'd blame yourself for not
reaching out when you were supposed to. You'd blame yourself till the end of time.
Takemywordforit."

"Ifanything happens to myfather, Patrice it's noneof your business. And nothing

wouldhappentohim.'Life'wouldhelpmeholdontohimuntilI'mreadytogoback."

"Iunderstandyounotbeingabletogohomethen.Icouldexcuseitasyoubeinga

petulantteenager.Butnow,Ihavenoideawhattopinitto.Justfortherecord,forall
its worth, there is absolutely no point to the grudge you have against him. It's just a
wasteoftimeandyouremotions.

1 8

D Y L A N

hethingaboutlifewasthatwhenshitdecidestogetcomplicated,itdidn'tdecideto

doitonalowscale.Well,atleastthatmuchwastrueofmylife.Ihadnoideawhyit
wasso,butthatwashowitwas.Fuckeduplife.Weallsetoutwantingtodoeasyshit,
and life somehow managed to get complications in the way, and before you knew it,
youweregone.

Iwasatworknow,tryingtofinishsometasksupandIbegantowonderhowthis

hadbecomeme.ItusedtobebecauseIcouldn'taffordtogetdistractedbecausemyjob
wasatstake,butnowitwasbeyondthat.ItwaslikeIhaddecidedtojuststicktothis
newlifeandnewlifestylewithoutlookingback.

ItwasFridaynight,andIwasstillatworktryingtosortshitout.Notthekindofthe

way I used to spend my weekends. My weekends before now used to be one of
merrimentsandexcitement.Onesfilledwithfun,dates,women,andbooze.Butwhen
some guys at work had invited me to do the exact same thing I always used to do, I
turnedthemdown.NotbecauseIhaddeadlinesandwhatnot,butsolelybecauseIhad
been disgusted by the idea. It didn't sit well with me for some reason, and that was
whatIstilldidn'tunderstandtothismoment.WhendidIbecometheboringguywho
didn'twantwomenandbooze?

Chris had looked at me like something was seriously wrong with me. He had

actually asked if I was coming down with the flu or fever or something. Nathan, the
otherwomanizingassholeattheoffice,hadcomerighttowardmycubicletoaskwhen
Istartedbecomingresponsible.Togethertheyteasedmeandthisnewlifestyle.

The thing was, I wouldn't call it a new lifestyle. That phrase carried quite a lot of

weight with it. The weight that didn't sit too well with me and that didn't explain my
situation.Itwasonethingtositdownonedayanddecidetoturnanewleafbecause
youknewforsurethatthelifeyouwerelivingwaswrong.Itwasanotherthingentirely
tojustnotfeeluptothatlifeanymore.Whathappened,inthiscase,wasthatitmight
turnoutintojustatemporaryhiatus.Italmostneverlastedforever.

"Sowhendidyoujointheconvent?"Chrishadaskedwheneveryotherpersonhad

goneout.

"Justgowithyourpeople,Chris."
"My people? Those people used to be your followers. So you can understand our

shockwhenyoupassupontheopportunityforfreeboozeandwomen?"

"Ijustdon'tfeeluptoit."
"That's the problem. You never not 'feel up to it.' Remember that time you had a

reallyterribleheadache,andwethoughtyouwouldn'tcomehang,butyousaidyour
headachecouldonlybedisplacedbyahangover?That'sthekindofmanyouwere."

"Can'tamanjustdecidetohavesomepeaceandquiet?"Ihadasked.
"Doesthishavesomethingtodowithyourstory?"
"Whywouldit?"
"I was just wondering. You just seem a lot more laid back since you started this

thing.Isshesuchaterriblesubject?"

"On the contrary. She happens to be a really great subject. Easy to talk to, easy to

interview,doesn'thaveallthatairofdramaabouther?She'sanamazingperson."

"Dude. Do you realize what you just did? You just described your subject like the

sun shines out of her ass. I don't understand this. Did you guys have sex or
something?"

I didn't control my reaction immediately, and it would've been obvious to even a

four-year-oldthatIwasshakenbythataccusation.

"OhmyGod!Youguysdidhavesex.Getoutofhere."
"It'snotlikethat,Chris."
"Sotheyallsay.Youguysdatingnoworsomething."
"Seriouslyman."
"What?"
"We'renotdating.Wejustgettogethereveryonceinawhileanddostufftogether.

That'sall."

"Whateveryousay,myman.Justsoyouknow,you'vegottensappybecauseofthe

girl.Icanbetyoucan'tdoanyotherwomanbecausesheismoreimportant."Chrissaid
andheadedoutthedoorshakinghisheadandlaughing.

Ididn'tknowwhathemadeofme.Heandtheothers.LikeIwassomesortof—okay

maybe I was some sort of asshole. But I was changed now. And I was sure that this
thing about me not being able to bang other women was not true. It couldn't be
becauseIlovedmywomen.AndthefactthatIhadanon-relationshipwithonedidn't
stopanother.

Like my thoughts had decided to help my sad ass out, my phone started to ring.

Opal. I tried to rack my head to remember which one she was. Then it hit me. The
programmerImettheotherday.Iansweredthecallimmediately.

"Well,hellostranger,"shesaidintothephone.
"Hey,Opal.How'veyoubeen?"
"Justgreat.You?"
"I'vebeenbetter,butIcan'tcomplain."
"Goodtoknow,"Shesaid."HereIthoughtsomethingmust'vehappenedtoyou."
"Why'sthat?"
"Wellbecauseyouweresupposedtocallmetheothernightandwe'dhangout,butI

neverdidgetthatcall.Iwasreallylookingforwardtoyoucalling."

I tried to think back at what could've possibly happened. Meeting her was a blur

now, if I was honest. Was Chris right about this thing? Was I catching feelings for
Alexa? It couldn't be. Focus, Dylan. Oh, that was the day Alexa, and I had gotten

together.TherewasnowayintheworldIcouldhavecalledOpal.

"Ohright.I'mreallysorry.Theinterviewwentonforever.BythetimeIwasdone,I

was too spent to even call you. I would have snored all through the drinks, and that
wouldruinmyreputation."

Thatwasnotexactlyalie.Itwasjustapartofthetruth.Theotherpart,whichshe

didn'thavetoknowwasthatIhadbeentootiredbanginganotherchickandthatithad
taken the whole night and the morning after. That would have been too much
informationforher,andnowthatIthinkofwhatChrissaid,Ithinkitwouldruinmy
chances.MaybeIshouldtrytoscoretonight.Opalwouldn'tbeatotallybadlay.

"That tiring huh? I didn't know it usually took you guys so long to wrap up

interviews."

"It's special. It lasted the whole night, and the truth is I'm still not done with that

story."

"Quite a shame. And here I thought we could hang out. I'm kind of in San

Francisco."

"Kindof?"
"Well,Iam."
"Who said I was working at the moment? I could come right down to meet you

wherever.Maybetakethepartytomyplacelater?"Iasked.Iwasnotalwayssodirect,
butinOpal'scase,whatshereallywantedwasquiteglaring.

"Thatsoundslikeaplan,Dylan.I'monmywaytoRhapsody'snow.Wecouldmeet

upthereinlikeanhour?"

"Awesome. Gives me enough time to finish up here, and change into something

morecomfortable."

"OhandDylan?BringyourA-game,"Shesaidandendedthecall.Ishookmyhead.

Thiswouldbeonehellofalay.

JustasIendedthecallwithOpal,IgotatextfromAlexa.“I'mscared”,itreads.
“Of?”Itextedback.
Alexa:“Iknowwearen'tBFFSorwhateverandthatyou'renotmyboyfriend,butI

feelcomfortablesendingthistoyou.Youhaveawayofcalmingme.Patriceistaking
thingsalittletooseriously,andIneedcalm.”

Me:“Wearefriends.Friendsshare.Idon'thavetobeyourboyfriendtobeableto

helpyouthroughhardtimes.”

Alexa: “I've been having these dreams for a while. I had one today, and it's really

reallyscary.Checkyouremailinlikethreeminutes.”

Me:“Okaycool.We'llgetthroughthis.”
Fiveminuteslater,Igetanemailpromptonmyphone.
Isawthelittlegirl,andIknewthiswasitagain.Icouldfeelasenseofdéjàvuasa

strongwindblew,andtheairgotevencolder.Iknewthisthing;Iknewthisplace.Iknew
this feeling. I had seen this before. Countless times, too. Only some things varied. This
time,insteadofthebright,lovelysunoverhead,therewassomethingelse.Aroundobject
that looked like the sun but was not quite as bright. Like the previous dream, perfectly
trimmed dried grasses that looked like beautifully done fibers of carpeting laid on the
floor.Againlikebefore,therewasnotasingleentityinsight.

Thecloudsabovehadgottendarker,thentheybrightenup,andthentheygotdarker

again.Ididn'tunderstandhowthecloudscouldchangesomuch.Whywasitfindingitso
hardtodecideifitwantedtobeadarkcloudorabrightbeautifulone?

I looked away from the clouds to the green carpeting of grasses. Maybe that would

Thistimeshewasnotalone.Herplaitedponytailonbothsidesofherfacehadgiven

Together they walked the length of what was now transforming right in front of my

Or had I died and gone to heaven? I closed my eyes and let the fragrance from the

Thegirlwasstillaheadlaughingandplayingwithherfriend.Allofasudden,thecloud

ShehadjustlostherfriendtoapairofhandsthatIdidn'tseearound.JustasItriedto

reachforhertocomforther,thescenechanged.

Ithappenedliketheothertime—liketheotherdream.Thegirlwasgrownnow.
Teenageme.Ididn'tknowhowthiskepthappeninganddespitethefactthatIwasnot

in the dream, I wondered to myself. But was this still a dream? Could one wonder in a
dream?Couldonetalktooneselfinthedream?

Aswiththepreviousdream,thegirlandherfamilywereseatedandhavingfun.
Themotherwasplayingwithherhair,andthefatherwasteasingher.JustwhenIwas

starting to get used to the sereneness to this particular aspect of the dream, the cloud
changedagain.Therewasaflashinthesky,thencoveredbyyetanotherflash.

Another pair of hands appeared from behind the woman who was the girl's mother

again and snatched her out of the picture. I stared in disbelief at the empty spot where
shehadjustbeengrabbedfrom.Whydidthiskeephappening?Whywasthiscomingto
me?Wasitarepressedmemory,Ithought.

Thegirlhadturnedtoherfatheragain,andshewasabouttostartarguingwithhim,

Shecollapsedtothefloorandstartedtocryandwail.Thenavoicefromnowherecried

outwitharant.Therantwas"Lifehastakenallyouholddear."

Istaredattheemail,andIwasgrippedwithfear.Readingthemailthewayshesent

it,Ifeltshehasdescribedthedreamtomejustthewayshevisualizedit.Iwasscared
forherandforhersafety.Ididn'tthinkbeforeIpickupmyphone.

“I'mcomingover.”Itextedtoher.

1 9

A L E X A

was glad I sent that message to Dylan. Knowing that he cared enough to want to

comeallthewayhereatthishourwarmedmyheart.Dylanwasagoodman.Another
timeandifwehadmetundertotallydifferentcircumstances,Imighthavejumpedat
the idea of getting romantically involved with him. But I couldn't. We were different
peoplewhowanteddifferentthingsoutoflife.Wewouldneverlast.

Theminutehetextedmethathewascomingover,Isentareplyaskinghimnotto.

ItoldhimthatIwouldbefineandthatPatricewasstayingthenightwithme.Hewas
stillworriedsickandaskedifIwassureIwouldbefine.ItextedhimthatIwouldand
thathecouldcomeovertomorrowinstead.Thatwayhecouldcheckuponme,andwe
would also tie up loose ends and put finishing touches on the story. All the while,
PatricewasstaringintentlyatmeandmostlikelywonderingwhyexactlyIwastyping
awayonmyphonedespitetheshockofthedream.WhenIputthephoneaway,she
wasglaringatme.

"Patrice,I'mfinenow.Youcangotosleep."
"Ican'tjustgotosleep,andyouknowthat.Whowasthat?"
"Who?"Iaskedalittlelosttowhatshewastalkingabout.
"Yourphone.Youtookquiteawhiletoputitawayafteryoupickeditupinitially."
"Patrice, I might've said this before to you today, and I'm pretty damned sure I've

saiditalotsincewebecamefriends,buthonestly,Idon'thavethestrengthtodealwith
yourdrama.SoI'mjustgoingtosayit,andignorewhateveryoudecidetomutterwhen
I'mdone.ItwasDylan."

"Ohhim?"sheasked.Icanseeshewastryingherhardesttoconcealhershock.
"Yeahhim."
"Okay.Sohecontributedanythingmeaningfultothissituation."
"Yes,hehas."
"I'mgladyoucalledhimthen.Let'sjustgotobednow.Youcantrytocatchsome

sleep."

"Idon'tknowifIcanactuallygobacktobed.Sleepjustseemslikeareturntothose

images.Idon'tknowifIwanttoseeanyofthatanymore."

"Nothing a cup of hot cocoa won't help with," Patrice said and padded off to the

kitchen. I smiled. It felt good to have someone waiting on me, and I realized at that
momentthatIhadacoupleofpeopledoingjustthatforme.

IlaidmyheadonthepillowandwaitedforPatricetocomewithherhotcocoawith

thehopesthatIwouldfinallybeabletosleep.ThenextthingIrealizedwasthatthere
isarappingknockonmydoor.Ijumpedoffthebedwithastart,confusedastowho
couldbeknockingatmydooratsuchanungodlyhour.Ilookedtomyside,andPatrice
wasnolongerthere.Shewasprobablyinthebathroom.

Grudgingly,Ipaddedtowardthedoorandopenedit.Dylanwasstandingtherewith

aworriedlookonhisface.Uponsightingme,theworryetchedonhisfacedisappeared,
and he actually smiled. Despite my bad mood and the sleep that I so desperately
wanted to go back to, I smiled at him, too. It was good to see him even though he
apparentlydecidedtoignoremysuggestionnottocomeovertonight.

"Comeonin,"Isaidandmovedoutoftheway.
"I'mgladyou'realright,"hesaidasheenteredtheapartment.
"WhywouldyouthinkIwouldn'tbe?I'mfine.Itwasjustareallyscarydream.And

IthoughtItoldyounottocometonight?Whatareyoudoinghere?"

"AndweagreeditwouldbebestifIcomethismorning.SohereIam."
"Thismorning?"Isaid,confused.Howcoulditbethismorning?Icouldhavesworn

Iwasjustasleepforaboutthirtyseconds.Iruntowardmyroomandgrabmyphoneto
checkthetime.Myjawdroppedtothefloorwhenmyphonetoldmeitwaspastninein
themorning.Wheredidthetimego?NowonderPatricewasnowhereinsight.Shehad
probably left for home when it was daylight. I hadn't even heard my alarm go off. I
wentbacktomeetDylaninthelivingroom.Hewasholdingacupofcoffeeandapiece
ofpaper.

"Seeing as you have no idea what time it is, I decided to make you a cup. And I

foundthisfromPatrice,"hesaidandhandedmeboththenoteandthecoffee.

Itookbothfromhimwithanappreciativesmileandploppedmyselfontothebean

bag."Thankyou.You'realifesaver,"Isaidandsippedsomeofthescaldinghotcoffee.I
turnedthenoteover,anditread:

I didn't want to wake you when I was leaving, but I
knew the first place you'd hit was the coffee maker.
Takecareofyourself,babe.I'llseeyousoon.IfIcan't
come over before it's night, I'll call to check up on
you.Makesureyoueatsomething.

-P

Ismiled."Itakeityouknowwhat'sinthenotealready."

"Asamatteroffact,Ido.That'stheonlywayIcouldhaveknownwhowroteitand

whotogiveitto."

"You snooping brat," I said jokingly. "It could have been some new catch of mine

thathadtogotoworkordecidedtogogetmebreakfastorsomethinglikethat."

"Couldn'tpossiblyhave."

"Beenanewcatch?Youunderestimatemyabilities."
"Iactuallydon'tdoubtthenewcatchpart.ThepartIdoubtisthebreakfastpart.He

couldn'tpossiblyhavegonetogetyoubreakfastandthenaskyoutomakesureyoueat
something."

"Alrightsmartass,haveyourseat.Myeyesareachingfromhavingtolookupatyou

asIspeaktoyou.Andthanksagainforthecoffee."

"You'reverymuchwelcome.Sohowareyounow?"
"Iamfine.Iwasfinebeforenow,too."
"I doubt that seeing the dream had you pretty shaken up, and for you to have

emailedme,itshowsitreallygottoyou."

"Oryoursisthefirstnumberonmycalledlist."
"Webothknowthat'snotwhyyoucalledme.Icould'vecomeyesterdayifyouhad

letme."

"Anddowhat?Rubyourhandsonmybackandshoulderandtellmethatit'sgoing

to be alright? And when we're done where would you sleep with Patrice here. And
talkingofPatrice,howintheworldwouldI'veexplainedyoucomingoverthatlate?"

Dylangaveatiredsmile."Goeasytiger.Iwasjustsaying."
"SowasI,"Isaidandonceagainsippedmycoffee.Itwasn'tashotasbefore,andthis

timeIfounditrelativelyeasiertoswallow.

"But really, no banter, no teasing remarks, no evading the truth; how are you

feeling?"heasked.IsawasoftnesstohimthatIhadn'tnoticedbefore.Hewasn'tasking
just out of courtesy. He was asking because he actually cared about me. This was
beginningtofeelquitescaryforme.Ormaybeitwasjustmeimaginingthings.

"I'mfine,Dylan.Iwasjustreallyscaredlastnight.Thedreamshavebeencoming

and going, but not once has it affected the father. The man never gets hurt before I
wakeup.Butthistime,forthefirsttimeever,somethingactuallyhappenedtohim.It
wasn'tjusthimfightingwiththegirl.Somethinghappened."

"Thegirl?Isthatallyouseeheras?Thegirl?"
"Thatiswhatsheis,"Isaid,mychinsetandreadyforanargument.
"Yousaidityourself,sothereisnopointgoingbackorevenstartingtoargue.The

girlisyou.Iseethewayyou'relookingatme,andIknowyou'regunningforafight.
Don't."

Thetightnessinmyjawdisappearedatthatmoment.Hedidknowmewell,afterall.

"Fine.ME."

"So if the girl in the dreams happens to be you, does that mean those people are

yourfatherandmother?"

"Nicework,Sherlock.Youfiguredthatoutallbyyourself,"Isaidwitheveryiotaof

un-seriousnessIcoulddrawoutfromwithinme.Ididn'twanttotalkaboutthis.Ididn't
havethestrengthforitrightnow.

"I won't be fooled by your attempt at turning this into a joke, Alexa. Remember

whatItoldyouoncebefore.Iknowyou."

"It'sbeenjusttwoweeks.Youdon'tknowme."
"Iknowalotmorethanalotofpeopledoaboutyou.I'veworkedwithyouforthe

pasttwoweeks,andinthattime,we'vebecomefriends,we'vehadsex,we'veannoyed
thehelloutofeachother,andwe'vehadgoodtimes.Iknowyou.Nowbacktothis,"he

saidwithaseriouslookonhisface.

This was one of those moments when I hated Dylan. He was even worse than

Patriceapparently.Thetwoofthemdeservedeachother.MaybeIshouldtrytohook
themup.

IdoubtedthatPatricewouldbethrilledbytheideaofmetryingtohookherupwith

aguyIhadhadsexwithcountlesstimes.Mymindturnedbacktothesituationathand.

IguessedtheearlierIdealtwiththis,thefasterIgotahandleonit.
"Thosetwoaremyparents.Mymotherandmyfather.Anythingelse?"
"Where'syourmother?"heasked,andashadowfellovermyfaceimmediately.
ThiswasonethereasonsIdidn'twanttotalkaboutthis.Dylansensedthehesitation

andreachedouttome.Hetippedmychinbackwithhisindexfinger."Whyaren'tyou
sayinganything?"

"MymotherdiedwhenIwas16goingonseventeen,"Ifinallyreplied.
"Oh my God! I'm really sorry. It must've been hard on you." I stared at him as I

processedhisempathy.Hewasnottheforcedkind;hissorrywasnotjustoneofthose
thingspeoplesaytootherpeoplethatsufferloss.Icouldsensethatheactuallyfeltit.

"It'salright.It'sbeenforever."
"Notreally.Itwasjustfouryearsago,"hesaidandthenallofasuddenhiseyesgrew

wide."Fouryears,"herepeats."It'sjustbeenfouryears."

"Iknow,andyou'vejustsaidthatlikeamilliontimesalready.Stopsayingthat"
"Ijustcametoarealizationiswhy.Isshebyanychancethereasonyouranaway

fromhome?"

"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Sortof."
"Idon'tunderstandanyofthis,andIneedyoutopleaseexplainthistome.These

one-wordandtwo-wordanswerswon'tdoanything."

"MymotherdiedwhenIwassixteen.Cancer.Ofthebreast.Shefoundoutshortly

before she died that she had it and that it was quite advanced. She didn't want to do
surgery,butmydadthoughtsheshould.Hesaiditwouldmakeherbetter.

"The doctors said the same thing, too. Mom was adamant about wanting to go

holistic,butdadwouldn'thearofit.Hepushedandpusheduntilfinallyoneday,mom
decidedtodothemastectomy.Shediedtwodaysaftersurgery."

"Wow.Thatmust'vebeenprettytoughonyouandyourdadmostespecially."
"Itwashardonme.AndtheneverytimeIsawdad,Iremembereditwashimwho

wantedhertohavesurgeryatallcost.Iblamedhimforherdeath.Iblamedhimfor
hercancer.Iblamedhimforeverysinglewrongthathadeverhappenedonthisplanet.
Ididn'tevenwanttoseehim."

"And then you ran away? I understand that it was a hard time for you. You just

sufferedthelossofsomeonedeartoyou,anditmust'vebeendifficult,butsodidyour
father.Whenyoulostyourmother,helosthiswife,hiscompanion,andhispartner."

"Hedidn'tloseshit.Orratherhedidn'tcare."
"Don't talk like that, Alexa. What was he supposed to have done? Watch your

mother suffer like that, when he knew that she could be helped with surgery? Your
mother'sdeathwould'vehurtevenmoreifhehadn'ttried.Youwould'veblamedhim

fornottryinghardenoughtoconvincehertodothesurgerywhenheknewitwould
help out. He wouldn't have been able to forgive himself is she had died without
surgery.Helosthiswife,Alexa,"Dylansaidinawhisper.

"Don'tthinkyouknowthewholestoryuntilyouactuallyhearitall.Helosthiswife

quitealrightbuthequicklyboughthimselfanother,andthebitchwasquicktojump
intohisarms."

Dylanblinkedtwiceandstaredatmeindazedconfusion.Hedidn'tunderstandwhat

justhappenedobviously.Thiswaswhypeopleshouldneverfeelliketheyknewitall.

"You'resurprised.Youdidn'twaitbeforeyoujumpedtoalltheconclusionsyoudid.

Sometime after my eighteenth, a year and some after; actually I think I should say
barelyayearlater,myfatherdecideditwastimetomovethefuckonwithhislifeand
notgiveahootaboutmymother.Itwasn'teventwoyearsyet,Dylan.Nottwofucking
yearsyet,andhehadfoundsomeonetoreplaceher."

"Hegotagirlfriend?"
"No,hefuckinggotafiancée.Hefuckinggotengaged.Andcametometellingmea

loadofbullcrapabouthimmissingmomtoomuch,buthewassureshewouldwantall
ofustobehappyevenifshewasn'there,andthatithadbeenatoughtimewithouther
thereandmebeingdifficult.

"Theyhadmetatsomestupidconference,andhehadbecomefriendswithher,and

she was a good listener, and before he knew it they were so much in love, and he
couldn'twait.Barelyafuckingyear!Thisissomeonewhowouldgoonbusinesstrips
for months, and mom would wait for him. He couldn't fucking respect her for more
thanayearandsomemonths."

My voice was almost getting heavy with emotions at this point, so I swallowed as

hardandalmostasunnoticeableasIcould.Icouldn'taffordtocry.Dylanwashere,and
Ididn'twanttoappearweak.Whowouldhavethoughtthataftersolong,itwouldstill
hurt like hell? I had thought that I could do this; live my life without hurting when I
thoughtofallthisshit.Iwaswrong.Ithurtlikehellandsodidhavingtoholdsucha
grudge.

"Wow.Iactuallydon'tknowwhattosayanymore,"Dylanfinallysaid.
"Youdon'thavetosayanything.Thatwasthelaststrawforme,especiallyseeingas

Istillblamedhimformom.SoIlefthome.WentasfarfromhomeasIcould.Changed
mylastnameintosomethingelse.Iwantednothingtodowithhim.Istillwantnothing
todowithhim."

"Butit'sbeenawhile."
"Idon'tcare.Heeventuallymarriedthebitchayearago.Istumbledonthepiecein

anewspaper."

"Newspaper.Ishethatwellknownforhisweddingtobeinthepapers?"
"Oh,trustme,heis.Theysayitwasalow-keyceremony,butIdon'tcare,hestillgot

marriedtoher."

"Isthatwhyyoudidn'twanttotakeloansoranythingthatcouldhaveyouonany

record?"

"Right again, Sherlock. He has a large, effective team, and they would find me

somehow."

"Seeingastheyhaven'tfoundyouyet,Idoubttheireffectiveness."

"They'regood.I'vejustbeenbetter,"Isaidandstalkedofftothebathroom.Itwas

timetoletoutallthosetearsIhadbeenhidingawaysoIwouldn'tlookweakinfrontof
Dylan.

2 0

D Y L A N

ittinghere,IrealizedhowhardallofthiswasforAlexa.Idoubtedthatshehadhad

that many people to share this part of her life with. Definitely not from her old life.
Those could be a desperate lot when they wanted to be. They wouldn't mind turning
herintoherfatherjustforapittanceormaybefortheirfreedom.Although,nowthatI
think of it, they can't all possibly be bad. There would be some good eggs amongst
them,whowouldtakehersecrettotheirgrave.ButeitherwaythatleavesPatriceand
nowmeastheonlypeopleshecouldactuallytalkto.

Alexa was still in the bathroom; had been for the past five minutes. I was almost

sureshewascryinginthere.InormallywouldhaveburstinifIhadanyfearsofher
hurting herself in there. But every odd minute or so, she did something to make me
knowshewasstillinthereandfine.Regardless,Icouldn'tletherstayinthereforever.I
walkeduptothebathroomdoorandknockedgentlyonit.

"Alexa?"Icalledouttoher.
"I'llberightout,Dylan."
"Yousaidthatlikethreeminutesago."
"I'mbusyinhere."
"Crying? Come out and let me comfort you as you cry. I'll rub your back and

squeezeyourshoulders.Maybeeventhrowinicecream."

"Nicetry,butI'mnotcrying.Andstopbeingsocheesy.Talkingaboutrubbingmy

backandsqueezingmyshoulder.Doesn'tsuityou."

"I'm sure you smiled, and that was the purpose of the cheesy talk. But now on a

more serious note, Alexa. Come on out. You've been in there for a really long time.
Please?"

"Fine," she said, and some seconds later, I heard the lock. When she did open the

door, her eyes were red and kind of looked swollen. She gave me a look that was
supposedtodistractmefromallofthis,butIsawitallthesame.

"Stop looking at me like that," she said and shoved me out of her way. "I wasn't

crying.Ijusthadweed."

"Rightandforsomereason,Ican'tsmellanything."
"Whatever."
"Alexa,don'tyouthinkit'stimetoforgiveandmoveon?"
"Forgivewho?Andmoveontowhat?AlifewhereI'mbackwithmyfather,living

withhimandhisnewwifeandweplayhouse?AlifewhereI'dbewatchedonhandand
foot by my father and his people because he either don't trust I won't run away or
becausehe'stryingto'makeupforlosttime'?Whichofthesescenarioshasmymomin
there?"

"None.AndIfeelthattheearlieryouaccepttherealityofthings,thebetterthings

will get for you. Your mom must've been an amazing woman, but the truth of the
matteristhatshe'sgone.She'snevergoingtocomeback,butwouldyouputyourlife
onholdforthat?

"In as much as I risk sounding like your father, do you really think your mom

would've loved this whole thing you're doing? I'm willing to bet that she would've
abhorred it. But here you are. Your father's not at fault for what happened to your
mother.Lifehappenedthere.Life'sshitandlife'sunfair,butthetruthisthatwehaveto
dealwithitnonetheless.Yourfatherdidwhathethoughtwasbestforhisbeloved.

"Yourfather'stimingwasquiterotten,butthethingis,soonerorlaterhewould've

movedon.Understandthathewaslonely,too.Thewayyoupinnedforyourmother
wastheexactsamewayhewaspiningforhiswifeeveryday,cryingforher,missing
her.Itmightbehardforyoutoseethatthroughthisthickscalesthatyourangerhas
placedoveryoureyes,buteventually,Ihopethatyouwill.

"And him going with that woman, I'm sure he never meant to hurt you or your

mother's memories. It must've happened without him realizing it. It must've started
outasjustaninnocentfriendshiporbusinessrelationship.Onethingleadstoanother,
andtheybegintoconfideineachothermore.Andbeforeyouknowif,shithappens.If
youdon'tthinkit'spossible,thenjusttakeagoodlookatyouandme."

"Don't do that. It's not the same thing as what happened with us," she said for the

firsttimesinceIstartedmylecture.

"What's the difference? We started out with work, and then we got friendly, and

before you know what's happening, we've had sex, without even realizing what is
happening. And now here I am talking to you about one of the greatest secrets you
have.How'sthatdifferent?"

"Maybeitwasaterribleideatextingyouthen."
"Itwasn't.Don'ttellyourselfthatsoasyoucangetoutofthis."
"It's not the same thing. With us, it was just sex. Just the sex, nothing more. We

share nothing other than the work that brought us together and the occasional
boinking.Nothingmore.Buthim?Hewentandfellinlovewithher.Hegotengagedto
her!Andhewasallbutsettomakehermystep-mothersosoonafter.Hedidn'teven
giveittime."

"Thingslikethathappen.Iknowitmustbehardacceptingit,butit'sthetruthyou'll

havetocometotermswithsoonerorlater.Ithurts,butthat'sjusthowthingsare.If
your dreams are anything to go by, then Alexa darling, I'd advise that you see your
father.It'sbeenfourlongyears.Whatifsomethinghappenstohim?"

"Nothingwill.Don'tbelikePatricenow."
"Butwhatif?Thinkaboutthatforme,willyou,Alexa?Thinkofhowyouwouldbe

able to forgive yourself knowing you had the chance to make things right, but your
pridegotintheway.Justthinkofthat."

"Thanksforthesermon."

"Ihopeyoupickeduponeortwothingsfromit,"Isaidwithahintofhumor.Ididn't

want to scare her off with all this seriousness. Sometimes, one needed to approach
thesethingswithcaution.

"WhatIamnowistired,Dylan.Stopdwellingoverthis.I'llseemyfather,butthe

timingisn'trightyet.ThereareamillionandonethingsIneedtodofirst."

"Iunderstand.Justdon'tdwellonitfortoolong,"Isaidandpulledherintoawarm

embrace.Sheneededitandhonestly,sodidI.Anideadroppedintomymindatthat
moment."Ihaveanidea.Whydon'tyougobackintothebathroom,haveyourbath,
andchangeintosomethingdecentsowecangoout?"

"Why?Where'rewegoing?"
"Iwanttotreatyoutopancakes.Wewon'ttalkaboutmyworkoryourproblemsor

eventhearticle.Justtwofriendsouthavingfun.Let'sputallofthisbehindusfornow."

"Areyousureyoucanaffordthatrightnow?"
"I'mbroke,butnotthatbroke.Comeon.Don'truinthisforme."
"Argh!Goodness!Ijustleftthebathroom."
"Nottotakeyourbath.Now,Iactuallyneedyoutotakeyourbath."
"Fine,"shereluctantlyagreedandheadedovertothebathroom.
She spent the next five minutes in the bathroom, and I was sure half of that time

wasspentcrying.Ididn'tpressheronitwhenshedidcomeoutofthebathroom.

Instead,Ismiledatherandattemptedtomakehersmile.Shesmiledtoo,butitwas

obviousitwasonthesurface.Thesmilewasnotfromdeepwithin.

Weheadedofftoherfavoritecafé.Theplacewasunusuallycrowded,butwedidn't

mind. We ordered banana pancakes and goofed around over our plates for the next
hour.

I was glad I had called in at work to let them know I wouldn't be able to make it

today. I had given Paula and Chris the excuse of working on the finishing touches to
theinterview.PaulahadagreedtoitandwasquiteimpressedIwasinvestingsomuch
inthis.ChrishadonlygruntedhissuspicionatmyspendingsomuchtimewithAlexa
allofasudden.IhaddisregardedhimandheadedtoMountainView.

By the time we left the café, Alexa's mood was considerably improved. She was

actually smiling genuinely. Her happiness was quite contagious, and before long we
wereliketwokidsplayinginthepark.DespiteallAlexa'scomplaints,Itookhertoan
ice cream parlor and splurged on ice cream. All this while, my poor finances didn't
evencrossmymind.ThefactthatIwashelpingsomeone,afriend,maybemorewas
whatwasonmymind.

Chris'lastwordstomelastnightcrossedmymind.Couldhissuspicionbetrue?
Was I slackening because of Alexa? I couldn't possibly have feelings for her. But

thenagain,lastnightcrossedmymind.IhadplannedtostaybackandworkuntilOpal
hadcalled.Then,IhadbeenallbutreadytodumpworkandheadoutwithOpaljustto
provetomyselfandmaybetoChristhatIwasn'tlosingmytouch.

ButthatwaswhenAlexa'stexthadcomein.Everythingbeforethattexthadturned

intoablur.Ididn'trememberanythingotherthanthetextandtheemail.Ifshehadlet
me,Iwould'verusheddowntoseeher.

Wasthatlove?Coulditbepossibletofallinloveafterjustsporadicallyseeingherin

just some days? Chris would have a field day if I told him any of these thoughts of

mine.Thesecrazythoughtsofmine.Ipushedallthesethoughtsoutofmymind,and
letthepresentbetheonlythingonmymind.

We headed back to her place after a day filled with emotions, fun and too much

sugar. When we started to kiss, I blamed the sugar in my head. When she so
desperatelystartedtotugatmyclothes,Iblamedthesugar.Whenwefinallyhititoff,I
knewthishadabsolutelynothingtodowiththesugar.

Threehourslater,IleftherMountainViewapartmentandheadedbacktomyown

sideoftown.Iwastoorestlesstogohome,soIheadedofftotheofficeinstead,hoping
toGodthatmostofthepeopleIwasonanovertlyfriendlybasiswithwerenotatwork.
I almost thanked my stars when I found out they were all gone until Chris ambled
towardmycubicle.Igroanedinwardlyandalmosthitmyheadagainstthewall.

"Heyloverboy,"hesaidwithasneer.
"What'swithyou,Chris?Canyoucutitout?"
"Nope. I can't. Found a photographer for your piece yet? I'd be glad to shoot this

girl'sphotos."

"Nooneisevensupposedtoknowwhosheis,sowhywouldIneedherphotos?"
"Youwouldatleastneedsomephotos.Oryoudon'tplanonusinganyatall?"
"Backoff,Chris.I'mtootired."
"I'mtellingyou,man.Thatgirl'sgotyoustrungonsotight."
"Iwon'tevenbotherarguingwithyou,"Isaidandturnedbacktomylaptop.
"AlrightI'llstopteasing,"Chrissaidandsomehowfoundawaytositonmydesk."I'll

beseriousnow.I'veneverseenanythinglikethisbefore.I'veneverseenyoulikethis
inallofthetimeI'veknownyou.Forthefirsttime,you'reputtingonegirlaboveallthe
otherwomen.Andthat,foryou,meansalot.Heck,Ihaven'tevenheardyoutalkabout
anyotherwomaninGodknowshowlong!"

"IthinkthathadsomethingtodowiththefactthatI'mbrokeasfuck."
"Since when did that stop you from finding some girl off of Twitter who would be

wonoverbyyourcharms?Thisgirl.She'sspecial.Andshe'stheonlygirlwhodoesn't
wantyoutomarryherimmediatelyoncesheseteyesonyou."

"Youasshole.IwishIdidn'ttellyouthatpart."
"Butyoudid.Sostarttalking."
"Okay so maybe I like her a little. She's different and honest, and I like that a lot

abouther."

"Thatwasn'tsohardtoadmitnow,wasit?"
I'mabouttoopenmymouthtocusshimoutwhenmyphonestartstoring.
CallerIDreadAlexa,andbeforeIcouldhideitfromChris,hesawit.
"Go on and answer, son. I'll wait till you are done. I am, after all, a very patient

man."

Irolledmyeyesandansweredthecall."Hi,Alexa."
"Hi,Dylan.Howareyou?"
"I'malright.You?"
"I'mgreat.Thankyousomuchfortoday.Itwasreallysweetofyou,anditmeanta

lottome."

"Youdon'thavetothankmeforanything.It'stheleastIcoulddoforyou,Alexa."
Chrischosethismomenttocough,andIpunchedhimplayfullyinthethigh.

"Ijustum…Iactuallydon'tknowwhyIcalled.IguessIliketalkingtoyou."
"I'mgladyoudo.Iliketalkingtoyouaswell,"IsaidandglaredatChrisbeforehedid

somethingstupid.

"Sowhatareyoudoing?"
"I'munfortunatelystuckatworkwithanannoyingassIcallmyfriend.You?"
"Readingabook.That'stheonlycalmingthingIcoulddo."
"It'sagoodenoughhobby."
"Fuckno!"IheardChrissayandIturnedtohim,myglareetchedintomyface."Cut

itout,man."Imouthedtohim.

"You'vegottogetoffthephonenow,Dylan.Shitjustgotmessedup."
"Stopfoolingaround,Chris,"Iactuallysaidtohim.
"I'mnot.IjustgotatextfromTom.Ourbossjustfuckingdied."
"OhmyGod!Paula?"
"No,herhusband,"Chrissaidandmyeyesgrewwide.
"Ohfuckno!"Isaid,myphonemomentarilyforgottenbymyear.
"What's the matter, Dylan?" Alexa's worried voice cut across to me, bringing my

attentionbacktomyphone."Iseverythingalright?"

"No.TheguywhoboughtthemagazineIworkatfromthepreviousowners,he'smy

editor'shusband.Andhejustdied."

"Ohmygoodness,that'sterrible."
"Iknow.I'llhavetocallyouback.IneedtocallPaula."
"Yeahsure.ExtendmycondolencestoPaula."
"Iwill,"Isaid,anduponendingthecall,IcalledPaulaimmediately.
Shedidn'tanswer.Thisshitwastrue.

2 1

A L E X A

was touched at how Dylan could feel so much empathy for anyone, and the only

thing that I could think of was that he was a good man beyond all the other not too
goodpartsabouthim.ItcrossedmymindthatdespitewhatItoldmyself,Iactuallydid
likethisman.Ishookthethoughtfrommymind.Ihadjustbeentoldamanjustdied.
Thelastthingonmymindshouldbeabuddingromanceorlackofonethereof.

Butallthroughthetime,thelongerItriednottothinkaboutit,themoreitcrossed

mymind.Soonenough,Iwasrestlessandcouldn'tsitstill.Wasthishowthislovething
felt? I hadn't had that much experience when it came to love and an actual
relationship.Ihavehadflingsandwhatnot,butnothinglikethis.Thiswasafirstfor
me.

Itwasscaryashell,butitwasatthesametimequiteexciting.
IlikedthewayIfeltwhenIwasaroundhim.IlikedthewayIgotwhenItalkedto

him.

I loved the feeling. Maybe this love thing wasn't such a bad idea after all. But it

couldn'tbelove,couldit?Hadtobesomethingelse.Infatuationmaybe.Oritcouldbe
becauseIsawhimsomuch.ButwhydidIwishhewasherewhenhewasn't?Iquickly
fashionedouttheexcusethatitwasbecauseIwasgettingthecoldturkey,likethoseon
drugs.IwouldgetbetterwithtimeifIdidnotseehimforawhile.

That was not the most important thing right now. The important thing was that I

desperatelyneededadistraction.Ididn'tknowwhatelsetodo.Ipickedupmyphone
and scrolled through all the social media platforms I was on, but nothing caught my
attention.TheTVwasnotshowinganythingspecial,andIwasnotafanofthenews,so
Ididn'tbothertotunein.IdecidedtodialPatriceinsteadsinceshehadn'tcalledmeall
day, as opposed to what she promised. Amidst several apologies, Patrice promised to
comeoverimmediately.Iwasnotsurprisedwhentherewasaknockonmydoorten
minuteslater.

"Hey,you,"shesaidasshesaunteredintomyplace.
"Hey, yourself. You left me here and promised to check up, but couldn't even be

botheredtoasmuchassendingatext."

"Iamtotallysorry.Ididn'tmeanto.IjustcompletelyforgotwhenIgothome.There

wassomuchtodo.Youdon'tlooklikeyoufaredterribly,though."

"That's because some people actually care about me enough to check up on me

whentheypromiseto.Noteveryoneislikeyou,mydearPatrice."

"Right.IknownooneisasgreatafriendasIam.Now,whoisthispersontryingto

takemyplaceinyourlife?"

"Dylan.Andhe'ssucceeding,too.Hetookmeonasugarfilledtreat,andIambetter

forit."

"Dylan.Hisnamehassomehowpoppedupagain.Andyousaytherearenostrings

attached?"

"MaybeIamwillingtoadmitthatIlikehimjustalittle.Butthat'sjustalittle.And

Patrice,don'ttrytosqueezemedrybecauseofwhatIjustsaid."

"Nah, I'm just going to let that slide. I've been waiting for you to admit it and you

finallyhave,"shesaidandwentstraighttothetelevisiontoturniton.Ishookmyhead
butsaidnothingandheadedbacktotheroomtograbmyphone.

Frominsidetheroom,IheardhershufflingbetweenTVstationsandthensettling

for the news after groaning that there is nothing else good enough on air. We both
knewthatwasprobablyjusthalfthetruth.Patricewassoengineeredtolovethenews
morethanallelse.Hadbeenengineeredthatwaybyherparentssinceshewasakid.

"Ah,suchapity.Sosoonafterinvestingthatmuchmoney."Iheardhersay.
"Whatareyoucomplainingaboutthistime,Patrice?"Icalledfromtheroom.
"This billionaire guy that died this morning. I think he owns the magazine Dylan

works."

"Oh really?" I asked as I headed out the room. "How come you know him, and I

don't."

"Iliketoeducatemyselfonhappenings.Youdon't.Hiswidowlookssobeautiful."
Ipaddedoutofmybedroomoutofsheercuriosity.WhenIgottothelivingroom,I

wasrootedtothespotwithfear.Itcouldn'tpossiblybe.Ihadseenthatwomanbefore.
HerfacewasoneIhaveetchedinmymemorytoforeverhate.Itcouldn'tbe.

"Patrice,is….isthatthewidow?"Iaskedquietly.
"Yeah.That'sAlfredPatterson'swife."
"OhmyGod!Ohno!No!"Icouldn'thelpthetearsthatrolleddownmyface,andI

crumbledtothefloor.

"Areyoualright?Ohdear,whyareyoucrying?"shesaidassherantomyside.
"That…that's….ohmyGod…that'smyfather."

2 2

D Y L A N

eaching Paula was increasingly hard with the passing of each second. It was still

quitearudeshocktomethatherhusbandwasdeadalready.Itstillfeltlikeyesterday
whenIhadgottenthattableforthematFourPoints,andnowhewasgone?Someofus
at work had decided to pay her a condolence visit and those of us at the office were
closingshop.Iheardmyphoneringing.Itwasanunknownnumber.

"Hello?"
The voice at the other end seemed pretty distraught. "Dylan, it's Patrice. Can you

pleasecomeovernow?"

"Patrice.Areyoualright?Yousoundprettyshaken.Wait,isAlexaalright."
"Somethingreallybadhashappened.Alexa'sfatherisAlfredPatterson."
"Ohshit!I'mcomingover.Isshethere?"
"That'stheproblem.IwenttogethersomeKleenexfromthebathroom,butwhenI

camebackoutside,shewasgone.Herphoneandherpursearemissing."

"Juststaythere.Shemightcomeback.I'llbewithyouassoonasIcangetthere."
IendedthecallandimmediatelyandstartedtorunoutwhenIheardChriscalling

outtome.

"I'vegottogo,man.It'sAlexa."
"What'sup,man?IsAlexareallythatimportant?We'resupposedtobegoingtovisit

thebereaved,andyouwanttorunofftoseeyourgirlfriendwhoyoujustleft?"

I was impatient as hell watching Chris jump into his million conclusions. "Dude.

Stop.Alfred'sAlexa'sfather."Iwhispered.

"Wait,what?"
"I don't expect you to go running to anyone or even Paula, but I know you to be

quitethediscreetone.Alexahadissueswithherfatherandranawayfromhome.But
she's a Patterson all the same. Her friend just called to let me know she ran off
somewhere,soIhavetorunalongnowifwewanttofindher."

"Wow.Ihadnoidea.Hurryonthen."
Hehadn'tevenfinishedhissentencebeforeIbeataretreat.Timealwaysseemedto

gomuchslowerwhenyouwereinapickle.TheridetoMountainViewseemedtotake
forever,eventhoughitwastheshortesttimeIhavespentonmywaythere.

When I got to the house, Patrice was a shadow of the girl I met at the café some

weeksago.Shehadcriedhereyesoutandwasstillcryingassheletmeintothehouse.

"Stillnosignofher?"Iasked.
"None. It's like she just vanished. I've been trying to call her all day, but she's not

answering.Ijusthopenothinghappenstoher,"shesaidamidstsobs.

"She'llbefine.Didyouknowbefore?Aboutherfather?"
"Ididn't.ShejusttoldmehewassometopshotandnomatterhowmuchIquizzed

heraboutit,shewouldn'tgivemeananswer.Shewasthatparticularaboutthatpartof
herstory."

"TothinkthatIwasjusttalkingtoheraboutgoingbackhome,"Ilamented.Butthat

wouldn't get me anywhere. I turned back to Patrice. "Here's what we do. You'll stay
backherejustincaseshecomesbacktothehousesoyoucanletmeknow.I'llgoout
andsearchforher.Justcallmeimmediatelyifshecomeshome."

"Iwill.Whereareyougoingtosearch?"
"Honestly,Ihavenoidea.ButifIhavetoraisealltherocksinCaliforniatofindher,

Iwill."

"Thankyou,"IheardPatricesayasIleftthehouse.
IhadnoideawhereIwassupposedtocheck,butIrushedoutallthesame.Iknew

thepolicewereoutofthepicture.Wecouldn'tfileaformalreportuntilithasbeen48
hours.Ifnothinghappenedtoher.

ThefirstplaceIwentwasthecafé.Iraninlikeamadmananddidn'tcareaboutthe

staresthatfollowedmein.Butshewasnowhereinsight.Iaskedtheguyattheregister
if he had seen her today after we came here, and he says he hadn't. The same set of
eyesfollowedmeasIrunoutofthecaféagainandlikebeforeIcouldn'tbebothered.
TheicecreamparloristhenextplaceIwenttocheck,andshewasnotinthereeither.
Atthispoint,Ihadcompletelyrunoutofideasofwhereelsetocheck.Wehadn'tgotten
tothatleveloffamiliarityyet.IwhippedoutmyphoneandcalledPatrice.

"Pleasetellmeyou'vefoundher,"shesaid,andIcouldfeelherfearandlove.
"SadlyIhaven't.Doyouknowanywhereshelikestohangout?Orruntowhenshe

isdistressed?"

"She hardly ever runs off when she's depressed. She mostly wants to stay in the

houseallday.Buttherearetimeswhenshejustgoestothepoolthreeblocksawayand
swimsawayfromherdepression.Youcouldcheckherthere."

"Thanks."
Ididn'thavetobebotheredwithcheckingthepooltobesureshewasn'tthere.
Therewasnotasinglepersoninsight.Atthispoint,Ihadlostallhopeofwhereto

findher.Myanguishcontinuedtoincrease.Whereintheworldcouldshebe?IfonlyI
couldfindawaytotrackher.AcomputergeekiswhatIneeded.Opal!

MyphonewasinmyhandasIwasabouttocallherwhenIrememberedIstoodher

up just last night. Would she be willing to help? I decided to damn the consequences
andcallheronthesame.Sheansweredatthesecondring.

"Yes?Towhatdoweowethiscall?"
"I'm really sorry for standing you up last night. I didn't mean to. It wasn't my

intention."

"Yetyouhavemanagedtodoittwice.Thatsaysalot."
"It's a lot more complicated than you think. I actually need a favor, is why I'm

calling.Ineedtofindsomeone,andit'squiteimportantIfindhersoon.Youwerethe

onlypersonIcouldthinkof."

"Seriously?Youstandmeuptwiceandtheonlytimeyoudocall,youdecideisfora

favor?"

"Iwouldn'tcalltoaskifitwasn'timportant.Shelostherfathertodayandhadtofind

outfromathirdparty.She'srunoff."

"OhmyGod.I'llseewhatIcando.Textmeherphonenumber."

2 3

A L E X A

hishorribledreamhasrefusedtoend.Istillcouldn'tsnapoutofit.Iwishedsohard

that it was all some kind of ruse, maybe like those dreams I had been getting. The
dreams.Theyhadbeenasortofwarningtomeallalong,andIhadchosennottolisten.
I had let my anger and pride take control of my reasoning. And now my father was
dead.

Ipickeduptheshotoftequilaandtosseditdownmythroat.Thishadtobethesixth

shotI'hadtaken,butnoneofthepreviousonesorthisonewasdoinganythingtoease
the hurt I felt inside. The bartender was looking at me with suspicion, and I had a
feelingthatthenexttimeIaskedhimforadrink,hewouldn'tgivemeone.

WherewasIsupposedtostartpickingupthepiecesofmylifefrom?EverythingI

haddoneinthepastfouryearshadamountedtonothing.Mygrudgeoffouryearshad
yieldednothing,andIstillhadn'tstoppedhurting.Sowhatwasthepointofitall?

Thefactthatmyfatherdiedwithoutushatchingoutourdifferenceshurtmorethan

anything.AndifthatgolddiggingbitchwasexactlyasIthinkshewas,Icouldn'teven
gohome.She'dyellbloodymurderovertheissueandcouldevengoallthelengthto
claimIwasnotwhoIsayIwas.Imightnotevenbeabletogoforfather'sfuneral.

I signaled toward the bartender to come over. He hesitated for a while but then

finallyapproachedme.Iaskedforavodkathistime,andheeyedmelikesomething
waswrongwithme.Iaskedhimagain.

"Idon'tthinkyoushouldhaveanymore."
"Idon'tthinkit'sanyofyourbusiness.I'mnotdrivingsowhat'sthefuss?I'vehad

justfivetequilashots.Onemoredrinkwon'tkillme.Sogetmemydrinknow."

"You'venothadfive.You'vehad8.You'renotdriving?"
"I'm not driving, sir. Now get me my drink. I've been through too much already

todayforyoutoaddyourbullshit."

"Fine,"hesaidandheadedofftogetmydrink.Hemoreorlessslammedtheglasson

thetablebeforeresponding,"Thisisthelastoneyou'regetting.Youfinishwiththis,you
leave.Doyouunderstandme?"

"Fuckoff."
"I'm glad we understand each other," he said and turned away to attend to other

customers.

ItookmytimetofinishthisglasspartlybecauseIknewthebartendermeantevery

wordofhisthreat,andalsobecauseIhadactuallyreachedmylimit.Anymoreliquor
andIwouldprobablyhavetowalkhomeonmyhead.Ipaidwhatwasonmytab,andI
feltverylightheadedasIgentlygotoffthebarstool,tryingasmuchaspossiblenotto
stagger.EpicFail.IalmosttrippedovermyselfasItriedtogetup.

ItriedtoholdmyheadhighasIwalkedoutofthebar.Ishouldjustgohomeandget

somesleep.MaybewhenIwokeup,itwouldallbeabaddream.Ibarelymadeitout
the door without falling over myself. Maybe a little walk would do me good before I
returnedhome.

AsIleftCastroStreetandstartedtostrollintheoppositedirectionofmyhome,Ifelt

asenseofhelplessnesswalkingalong.NowItrulyhadnohopeofpayingmytuition.I
couldn'tpossiblygobackhomenow,evenifIwantedto.Mypridehadbeenthemajor
reasonIdecidednottogobacktomyfather.Aftersolong,Icouldn'tstandtheideaof
goingbacktohimwithmytailbetweenmylegs.Ikickedatanemptycanofbeeron
thefloorinfrustration.Iwasstupid.Reallystupid.Ishould'vegonehomewhenIhad
theopportunity.Hell,Ishouldneverhavelefthome.

The liquor hadn't done what I needed it to do for me. What I needed more than

anything else was meaningless sex with anyone I could find. Dylan was probably all
thewayinNewYork,sympathizingwithPaula.Ihadn'tbeenlookingproperly,andI
had ended up in a territory I was not too familiar with. As I turned back to trace my
waybacktoCastroandthenbackhome,acardrovebeside.Thecarpassedmebybut
thenreversedbacktome.

"Hey,beautiful.Youlost?"heasked.
"Notreally."
"Wantaride?Ormaybeyouwanttohangwithmeabit?"heasked.
Iwasabouttotellhimoff,butIrealizedhecouldprobablygivemeexactlywhatI

needed.AndseeingasIwouldbegoingbackintotheprofession,Ineededtogetsome
practice.Ineededtogetbackinthegame.Ineededtogetmymindoffofthis.

"Canyouaffordit?"
"Oh,that'showitis?Comeoninthen,we'reinforaride."
Withoutanotherword,Iturnedaroundtotheothersideofthecarandslidintothe

passengerseat.ThemandrivingwascladinablackteeandfromwhatIcouldsee,a
pairofshorts.Maybeitwasjustme,buthedidn'tlooklikehewasfromaroundhere.It
probably had something to do with his Latino accent, but then again, he could have
been living here forever and not lost the accent yet. I didn't say anything to him as I
fastenedmyseatbeltandwaitedforhimtodriveoff.

"IhavearoomattheFlorentine.Goodenough?"
"Ihavenoproblemwiththat,"Iansweredalittletoosharply.Iwasnotinthemood

forconversationnow.

"Great.I'mEnrique,bytheway."
"Alexa."
The ride to Hotel Florentine was short, and it dawned on me that I was not so far

from the bar I just left. The liquor just made it seem like I had been walking forever
when it was just some minutes. We headed to his room, and as I sat on the bed, he
madesomecallswiththehotelphone.

"What'sthat?"Idrunkenlyasked,tryingmyhardestnottoslurmywords.

"Drinks.I'mhavingthembringsomeup."
"Idon'twantany.Let'sjustdothis,andIleave,"Isaidandstartedtotugmytopover

my head. I was still dressed the same way I was when Dylan dropped me off earlier
today; a sleeveless top and a pair of jeans. Enrique walked to the bathroom to do
whatever it was he was doing in there. As I started to unzip my jeans, there was a
knockonthedoor.Ipulledmytopbackonandwenttogetthedoor.

"Is…IsMr.Enriquehere?"theguybearingthedrinksasked.
"Yeah. Bathroom. I'll get these for him," I said and extended my arm out toward

him to collect the bottles. He reluctantly handed them to me but still hovered by the
door as I started to turn back into the room. "What? You want a tip or something?
Enriquewillsortyououtsomeothertime."

"Mr.Enriqueaskedforsomethingelse,andI'dliketogiveittohimmyself."
"Youcouldjustgiveittome.We'retogether."
"But…"
"Cutthebullshitandjustgivemethedarnedthing!"Isnappedathim.
Helookedatmewithafiercelookasiftosaythatitwasmyfuneral,herolledhis

eyesandhandedmeatransparentbagwithawhitishpowderinit.Heturnedaround
almostimmediatelyandleftmebythedoorwonderingwhatthefuckIwasholding.

Cocaine?
"What'sthat?"Enriqueasked,startlingme.
"I didn't know you were out. The guy from the bar brought you the drinks and

somethingelse.Isthiscoke?"Iasked,raisingthebagup.Allmydrunkennesshadlong
disappearednow.Ihatedpeoplewhodiddrugs.Ihatedclientswhodiddrugs.Thelast
onescostmeoneyearofmylife.

"Yeah,itis,"hesaidandsnatchedthebagoutofmyhand.
"No….no.thatshitwon'twork,"Isaidandheadbacktothebedtopickupmypurse

andshoes.

"Why'reyoupickingupyourthings?Wehaven'tevenstarted."
"I'm leaving is why. I don't like drugs or people that use them," I said and started

toward the door. Enrique, because he is closer to the door, got there before me. He
slammeditshut,turnedthelock,andtookoutthekey.

"I'mleaving,Enrique.Openthedoor."
"You'renotleavinghere,dear.Youonlyjustgothere,"hesaidwithadevilishgrin.

His eyes were looking wide and unusually excited. I didn't see this glint in his eyes
earlier on when I entered his car. There was only one possibility; he had gone to the
bathroomtotakecoke.Istaredathimintently,andsureenough,therewasthetelltale
whiteresidueonthetipofhisnose.Howdidn'tInoticeanyofthisbefore?Tearswere
onthevergeoffallingfrommyeyes.Whyalwaysme?HowdidIalwaysmanagetoget
myselfintothiskindofaconundrum?

"Please,Enrique.Ibegofyou.Justletmego.Iwon'ttellanyoneanything."
"Whatistheretotell,Alexa?"hesaidasheapproachedme."You'reahooker,and

I'm paying you for sex. That's all anyone will want to hear. And last time I checked,
prostitutionwas….what'sthatwordagain…"hesaidandplacedhisindexfingeronhis
lips in mock concentration. He snapped his fingers almost immediately with an even
scariergrin."…illegal.That'stheword."

"Pl…please…don'tdothistome.Ijustlostmyfather.Don'tdothistome."
"I'veheardworsesobstories,honey...'OhIhavecancer'…'mysonissick,soI'min

thestreets.'Allsobstories,"hesaidandcontinuedtoadvancecloser.

I continued to back away until I felt the back of my leg against the bedpost. I

collapsedintothebedasheleapedforme.Hottearsrushedoutofmyeyes.Thiswas
thatnightalloveragain.

2 4

D Y L A N

he's somewhere on Castro Street. I'll text you the address," Opal said to me after

thirty minutes that seemed like ages. My phone buzzed with the text alert and I
immediatelyopenedit.Somethingwaswrongwiththistext.IcalledOpalimmediately.

"This'sahotel'saddress."
"Yeah,Iknow.Isentittoyou."
"Soshejustwenttoahoteltocry?"
"ThatIcan'tanswer.You'dhavetofindherandfindoutexactlywhysheisatthe

hotel.ThisisbestIcando."

"Thanks,Opal.You'reareallyniceperson."
"Iknow.Nowgofindherbeforeyouhavetoreachouttometofindheragain."
"Right.Thanks,"Isaidandendedthecall.
Finding the hotel was not as much of a problem as looking for the exact room

where she was at would be. Hotel Florentine was a hotel with about 50 rooms. I
couldn'tpossiblygoknockingfromdoortodoorbecauseIneededtofindsomeone.She
couldn'tpossiblyhavebookedtheroominhernameorcouldshe?Shecouldbutwhat
ifshewasn'thereonherown?Thethoughtdrovemenuts,butitwasapossibilityIhad
toconsider.

Ihailedacabandcontinuedtopressurethecabdrivertogoasfastashecould.
The driver sensed my urgency and drove at just the speed limit, so he didn't get

pulledoverbythecops.Wepulledoverinfrontofthehotel;Ihurriedlypaidthecab
guy a little too much because I couldn't wait for the balance and I run into the hotel
lobby. A small, shrewd-looking woman was sitting at the large desk, clad in the hotel
uniformandstaringatthecomputerinfrontofher.Shedidn'tlooklikeshewasgoing
tobeofmuchhelpasshelookedlikeastrictfollowerofprinciple.Butshelookedlikea
motherhen.

"Hi,"IsaidwhenIgottoherdesk.
"Goodeveningsir.WelcometoHotelFlorentine."
"Ineedahugefavor.Itmightbequiteopposedtowhatyoubelievein,butit'sthe

onlyway.Ireally,reallyneedyourhelponthis."

AdistressedlookcrossedherfaceasshewonderedwhatIwastalkingabout.
"HowmayIbeofhelp,sir?"
"Myfriend.I'vebeenlookingforherallday.Shejustsufferedaloss,andithasreally

gotheractingup.Sheranoutofthehouse,andIhaven'tseenhersincethen.HerGPS
saysshewaslastseenhere.Ijustneedyoutofindoutwhatroomsheisin."

"I'msorry,sir.That'sagainstourpolicies,"shesaidwithanapologeticlook.
"I know, and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. My friend, Alexa, is in here

somewhereandshemighthurtherself.Thelikelihoodthatshe'ddothatafterwhatjust
happenedisveryhigh,andIneedtogettoherbeforeshedoesanythingstupid.Only
youcanhelp."

"I'm sorry, sir. I wish I could, but it is against our privacy policies," she insisted.

"Maybeyoucancallthepolicetohelpyoufindher."

Hercalmnessinthisdesperatesituationwasrilingme,andIfinallydecidedtodoto

herwhatwedoinourlinewhenallsubtlemeansweren'tworking;threatenher.

"Listen to me, ma'am. I am a journalist. I swear on everything I hold dear, if

anythinghappenstothatgirl,I'lldragyouandyourhoteldownwithmypen.It'snota
threat.It'sapromise.Ifjustasmuchasastrandofhairleavesherbody,I'llbringyou
downwitheverylaststrengthIhave."

Sheblinkedatme,andIthinksheconsideredwhatthatkindofbadpublicitywould

doforthehotelandherjob.Herbosseswouldsurelyblameheriftheyfoundoutshe
couldhaveaverted.

"What'shername?"shefinallyasked.
"AlexaGrant."
Thewomantypedawayatherkeyboard."Hernameisn'tinourrecords."
Myheartfellinmychest."Pleasecheckagain."
"Ihave.ThereisnoAlexaGrantinhere."
"Okay.CheckforAlexaPatterson."
"Ithoughtshewasyourfriend?"sheaskedwithascowl."Howcomeyoudon'tknow

whatnameshebears?"

"Yourealizeifpeoplerunaway,theytendtohidetheiridentity,yes?"
"Fine,"shesaid.Acoupleofsecondslater,shelookedup."Nothing."
Igroanedloudly.Whereintheworldwasshe?IcalledOpalback."Yousureshe's

here?Trackherphoneagain."

"She is, Dylan. I haven't stopped checking with the hopes of alerting you if she

moves."

"Thanks,"IsaidtoOpalandendedthecall."She'sstillhere."Iscrolledtomygallery

and showed the woman one of the pictures of Alexa we took earlier that day. "Have
youseenthislady?"

"Yeah…Irememberher.Shecameinwithoneofourguests.Shelookeddrunk,"she

addeddisapprovingly.

"That'stheexactreasonIneedtofindherbeforeshedoessomethingstupid.What

roomishelodgedin?"Iasked,andagainIsawherguardsgoup."Forfuck'ssake,it's
eithershegetshurt,oryourguestgetshurt.Eitherway,someonegetshurt.Nowget
yourkeysandfuckingfollowme."

"045,"shesaysasshegrabsherkey.Irunaheadofhertowardthedirectionofthe

room.

Aswedrewnearertotheroomtagged45,Iheardthuddingagainstthewall,anda

sinking feeling hit me. I hope to God it was not from 45. But it was. As we get to the

door, we heard someone banging from inside and then all of a sudden, the banging
stopped.

"Openthefuckingdoor!"IbarkedasIbangedonthedoor."Alexa!"Therewasno

answerfrominside."Openthefuckingdoor!"

"Go the fuck away," a voice at the other end of the door said, and I knew

immediatelythatmyfearshadbeenconfirmed.

"Givemethekeys!"IorderedthewomanwhosenameIdon'tevenknow.
"Isthatawisethingtodo?Themanmightbeviolent.Let'scallthecops."
"Andwaitashekillsherforthemtocome?Handthemover,"Isaidandsnatched

themoutofherhands."Nowyoucancallthecops."

Islippedthekeyintotheslotandturnedthekeyinthelock.Thedoorgaveway,and

Ipushedintotheroom.Alexawaslyingonthefloor,hertoptorn,lookinglikeshehas
been pawed at by a tiger. The man was standing over her, glaring at me and asking
whatthefuckIwanted.Bloodrushedtomyhead,andIlostmymind.Therewasan
unopenedbottleofredwinenottoofarfromme.Igrabbedthebottleandrantoward
himwieldingthebottle.

MymindwasblankasIsmashedthebottleoverhisheadandhestaggeredback.I

didn't give him a moment's rest. I rushed toward him, red wine seeping into the
carpetingandpushedhimtowardthewall.Withoutthinking,Icontinuedtopumphim
withpunches,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,IfeltsoangrythatIdidn'twanttostop
punchinghim.IonlystoppedwhenIheardthereceptionistshrieking.Iwalkedaway
from the man as he slid to the floor and walked over to Alexa. She was weak and
helplessasIliftedherinmyarms.Sheopenedhereyesslowly.

"Alexa,"Iwhispered.
"Oh,Dylan,"shesaidweaklyamidstsobs.
"Everythingwillbefine.Ipromiseyou."

2 5

A L E X A

openedmyeyesweakly,andIwasstunnedbythebrightnessintheroomIwasin.

My eyes snapped shut immediately, and I let them stay that way. My head and my
wholebodyhurtlikehell,andIfeltliketherewereamillionandonethingspokingat
mefromeveryangle.Itookadeepbreathandtriedtoopenmyeyesagain.Thistime,I
wasexpectingthelighttosting,soitdidn'thurtasbadasthefirsttime.Butitstilldidn't
stopmefromgroaninginpain.

My groaning had apparently not gone unnoticed. I felt a shadow fall over me as I

groaned,tryingtoopenmyeyescompletely.Therighteyecooperatedbuttheleft,not
so much. The left eyelid felt so heavy that I didn't bother with opening it all the way
anymore.Whenthepersonbesidemespoke,Ifeltasortofelationfromwithin.

"Dylan?"Iwhispered.
"Yes,it'sme.ThankGodyou'reawake.Youscaredme.I'veneverbeensoscaredin

mylifebefore,"hesaid.Icouldhearthereliefinhisvoice.Hebentoverandkissedmy
foreheadlightly.

"How…howlonghaveIbeenhere?"Iaskedinawhisper.
"It's been two days. You've been slipping in and out of sleep since I brought you

here."

"My God!" I cried weakly. My head started to ache almost immediately, and I

groanedagaininpain.

"Don'thurtyourself,Alexa.You'llbefine."
"No…Iwon't.Youdon'tgetit.Iwasso…sostupid.Ididn'teventhinkthingsthrough

beforeIrushedintoit.Iletmyemotionsgetthebetterofme.Again."

"Shhh...Don'tdwellonwhathappened.Youweregrieving."
"Iwasstupid.Ifyouhadn'tfoundme,whatwould'vehappenedtome?"
"Stopthinkinglikethat.TheimportantthingisIdidfindyou,andyou'renowinthe

hospital,gettinghelp.Okay?"

Icouldfeeltearswellingupbehindmyeyes…thetearsmademyeyesandheadhurt

likehell."ThetruthisIcouldhavediedifitwasn'tforyou."

"Hushnow,love.Don'tgothinkingofifsandcouldhaves.Thethoughtofanything

happeningtoyouhurtsmelikecrazy.Stoptalkinglikethat."

"Has…hasfatherbeenburied?"Iasked,halfexpectinghimtosayno.
"Hehasn't.Thefuneralisn'tuntilnextweek.He'sgoingtobeburiedinNewYork."

"Oh."
"IknowIshouldn'tbetalkingtoyouaboutthisnow,butIcan'thelpit.Youthink

youcango?"

"No!Ican'tshowupthere.Ican'tgothere."Istartedtogethysterical.
"Calmdown,Alexa!Iknowyoumustbefeelingreallybad,andIcan'teventellthe

numberofthingsrunningthroughyourhead,butyoushouldconsidergoingtoyour
father'sfuneral."

"I can't go back there. Everyone will think I came back for the money. Especially

Paula.Don'tyougetit,AlexaPattersonisdead."

"I'mnotaskingyoutogoback,love.I'mnotaskingyoutogobacktoyouroldlife

andappearatthefuneralashislonglostdaughter.AllI'maskingisthatyoubepresent
whenyoufatherisburied.Noonehastoevenknowyou'rethere.You'dbegoingthere
asAlexaGrant,myfriend."

"Idon'tknow,Dylan.Whatifsomeonerecognizesme?"
"Noonewill.YoulookverydifferentfromtheAlexathatlefthomeyearsago.Your

fatherdeservesthelastrespectofyourpresenceathisfuneral.Promisemeyou'llthink
aboutit,okay?"

"I'llthinkaboutit,"Ipromised.
Lying in this bed, I realized how short life could be. I could have been killed the

othernightatTheFlorentine.Anythingcouldhavehappenedtome,butitdidn't.Andit
wasallthankstothismanhere.

"Dylan?"Istartedtosay.
"Yeah?"
"Thanksforeverything."
"Anytime,mylove."

ittinginDylan'scar,tryingtogatherenoughstrengthtogetout,Ibegantoreflecton

mylife.ThiswasnothowIexpectedthingstoturnoutwhenIlefthome,butthiswas
apparentlyhowfatewantedit.

Iwasdressedinblacklikeeveryoneelseouthere.Weallhaddifferentreasonsfor

donning our mourning outfit—Paula, because she lost her love a little too early—
business partners because they lost a friend and a partner—I know some were only
wearingitforthefunofit.Theycouldn'tcarelessthatAlfredPattersonwasdead.This
whole thing was just a front for them. I, on the other hand, was dressed in black
mourning every single thing in my life. My father, the loss of my innocence, my
mother,mylife—everysinglething.Ihadlosttoomuchtonotmourn.Theonlythings
IwasgratefulforwerePatriceandDylan.

Dylanmorethanever.
Dylannudgedme."Youalright?"heasked,andInodded."Youready?"
"Yeah,Iam,"Isaidweakly.
Dylanclimbedoutofthecarandcametoopentheothersideforme.Thefuneral

was a private ceremony. Only friends and family were allowed, but Dylan was
somehowinvited.Hesaidhehaddonethembothafavoroncebeforeandthatshesaw

himasafriend.Wewereaboutthelasttoenterthecemetery.Bythetimewegotthere,
the priest had started giving his sermon. The dust to dust and ashes to ashes sermon
was not what hit me. It was the final realization that I would never set eyes on him
again, the fact that the last time he saw me and me him, we had departed with a
shoutingmatch.Thisdrovemetoevenmoretears.Ididn'tknowifI'deverbeableto
forgivemyself.

Asthelastofthemournersexitthecemetery,Ihungbackandwatchedasthegrave

was being covered with earth. Dylan pulled me into his arms, and I cried and cried
withoutregardforthefactthatIwasinpublicandsomeonemightrecognizeme.Chris
cameovertogivehiscondolencesinprivate,andIappreciatedhisdiscretion.Noone
elseknew,andthatwasthewayitwasgoingtobeuntiltheend.AlbertPattersonwas
dead,andsowasAlexaPatterson.

"Dylan?"Iheardawoman'svoicefrombehindme.Ipulledawaysohecouldtalkto

whoeverhisfriendwasandthatwaswhyIseteyesonher.Paula.Shedidn'tnoticeme
atfirst,butasItriedtoturnaway,shestaredatme.Itwastoolatetoturnawaynow.I
stayedthewayIwas.

"OhmyGod!"shewhisperedthroughclenchedteeth.
"We'resorryforyourloss,Paula.Thisisthesubjectfortheexpose.Shewantedto

come pay her respects," Dylan said, trying to cover for me. I hoped to God she didn't
knowit'sme.

"I'm…I'msorryaboutyourhusband,"Imanagedtosay.
Paulabrokeintotearsimmediatelyandstartedtoshakeviolently.Shewalkedupto

me and pulled me into a warm embrace. "Oh poor child!" she said to Dylan, and I's
utterconfusion.

Whenshepulledawayfromthehug,shelookedatmewithawarmerlook.Likeshe

feltformeorsomething."Ispentthepastyearshopingtomeetyouoneday,andthisis
howlifechoosesforustomeet.Ican'timaginehowyoufeel,Alexa.Yourfatherwould
besmilinginhisgrave."

She knew. And she hadn't thrown a fit. Tears started to roll off my face again. "I

don'tthinkso.Ihurthimtoomuch."

"Dearchild,yourfatherneverheldagrudge.Helookedforyouuntilhislastdayon

earth.Henevergaveup.IhadnoideaitwasyouDylanwaswritingabout.Oh,poor
child!You'vebeenthroughhell."

"That I brought upon myself," I said as I sniffed. "I should get going now. I just

wantedtoseehimburied.I'msorryIinfringedatatimelikethis."

"Nonsense!"Paulasnapped,andIthoughtIwasgladshewasfinallyreactinghowI

thoughtshewould."Alfredwasyourfatherasmuchashewasmyhusband.IfIhadan
inklingyouweresoclose,Iwould'vewaitedforyoutoseehimfirstbeforeweburied
him."

Iwasatalossforwordsagain.ShereallywasnotthebitchIthoughthertobe.
"You'resuchaniceperson,"Isaid,sniffing."Idon'tdeservethiskindness."
"Youdo,dearchild.Now,let'sgohome.Youneedalotofrest,andwehavealotof

catchinguptodo."

"I…"
"Iwon'thearanyofit,Alexa.Dylan,Alexawillridewithme.Youcanfollowusin

yourcar."Sheturnedtomeandheldmyhandinhers."Welcomehome,Alexa."

2 6

E P I L O G U E

A LEX A

t had been five months since the funeral. It was still surprising to me the way

everything had turned out. I couldn't for the life of me get over the quick turn of
events.Ithadbeenquitehardadjustingtoeverythingatfirst.Paula,thefactthatIhad
tofinallycomeoutofhiding—livingthePattersonlife.Noneofithadbeeneasy.

Paula had insisted vehemently on my coming back to the house and also taking

backmyidentityasthePattersonheir.Atfirst,Ihadthoughtshehadagameplan,one
thatwouldendinsomethingreallyterriblehappeningtome,butapparently,shehad
nothingsinisterplanned.

Withthepassingofeachday,Ifoundmyselfdiscoveringthereasonmyfatherhad

falleninlovewiththiswomansoquickly,andIfeltlikeafoolblaminghim.Shehad
providedhimwithcomfort,muchthesamewayshehadprovidedmewithitwhenshe
metandacceptedme.Shelistenedtomystory,criedwithme,laughedwithme,and
wentthroughthehealingprocesswithme.

Moving back to the old life had been hard, but she had helped me adjust to it

gradually.Whenfather'swillwasread,Iwasevenmorebaffled.Otherwomenwould
havefoundawaytochangewhateverwasinthewill,butshehadn't.Ihadgottenhalf
ofmyfather'sestateandshetheotherhalf.AndnomatterhowhardItriedtoturnit
down,shecameatmeevenfiercertotakeeverything.Together,weworkedonaviable
plantorunmyfather'scompaniesuntilIwasdonewithcollege.Shewasnotjustmy
stepmother;shewasmyfriend.

A couple of months down the line, when Dylan submitted the final draft of the

articlehehadwrittenaboutme,Paulahadtalkedtothetwoofusaboutthrashingthe
article.ShefeltitwouldhurtmeandmyfutureifanyonefoundoutIwastheonein
thestory.Dylanthoughtthesamethingtoo,eventually.ButIthoughtotherwise.Itwas
mystory,andIwantedtoshareitwiththeworld.IfanyonefoundoutitwasIDylan
hadwrittenabout,Ididn'tcare.Allthatmatteredwasthatmystorywouldbeofhelpto
someone out there. We, of course, didn't add the fact that I was the daughter of a
billionaire. Because of the feedback from my story, Dylan had started an expose on
prostitution,onethathadmadecoverstoryontwoeditionsofthemagazinealready.

Myphonerangbringingmeoutofmyreverie.ItwasPaula.
"Hi,Paula."
"Hi,dear.Ihavegoodnews,"shesaid,obviouslyexcited.

"Spill!"Isaid,myheartbeatingviolentlyinmyribcage.
"Idon'tknowifIshouldbetheonetellingyouthis,orifIshouldletDylantellyou."
"Just tell already!" I said, not admitting to her that in the past months since I had

returned as a Patterson, Dylan had been acting like just a casual friend to me and
nothingmore.Ididn'tblamehim.Heprobablydidn'twantpeoplethinkinghewasall
overmebecauseofthemoney.Veryfewpeople,afterall,knowourstory.

"Dylan'sexposeswasjustnominatedforaPulitzer!"
"You'rekidding!"
"I'mnot.Thewholenewsroomischaosrightnow.Everyoneissoexcited."
"OhMyGod!I'msoexcitedforhim."
"Ihavetogonow.Stillcomingfordinnertonight?Nowwe'recelebratingsomething

else."

"Yeahsure.FourPointsstill?"
"Yeah."
"Seeyouat8,"Isaidandendedthecall,burstingwithexcitement.

2 7

D Y L A N

'dbeennominated!

Icouldn'tcontainmyexcitementasalmosteveryoneinthenewsroomwalkedupto

my cubicle to congratulate me. At this point, I didn't care anymore if I won or didn't
win. The fact that my piece was recognized enough to be nominated was all that
matterednow.

"Congrats,man,"Chrissaid,stilllingeringatmydesklongaftereveryonehadleft.
"Thanks,man."
"Sohaveyoucalledher?"
"Who?"
"Alexa.Whoelse?"
I sighed. I ought to call her, but I didn't know if I should. Ever since she took the

reinsofherfather'sestate,Ihadfounditincreasinglyhardertocontinuewiththeway
wewere.Consideringthatthefeelingswereprobablyonesided,Idecideditwasbestto
justkeepitthatway.Ididn'twantherthinkingIwantedtobewithherforthemoney.

"Ihaven't,"Ireplied.
"Youshould.Youoweherthatmuch,"Chrissaid.Heknewabouteverything,andhe

stillthoughtIwasstupidtolethergobecauseofmyego."Evenifyouthrowawaywhat
couldhavebeenagoodrelationship,don'tthrowawayyourfriendship."

"I understand but Alexa is really special, and I don't know if it would be worth

riskingeverything."

"You didn't even try, bro," Chris said. "Oh shit, speak of the devil," he said in the

samebreath.

Iturnedinthedirectionhewaslookingandthere,sureenough,wasAlexalooking

beautifulasever.Shesmiledatmeandraisedabottleofwineinmydirection.Itookit
she knew already thanks to Paula. I stood up from my desk and started to approach
her.

"Goodluck,"Chriswhispered.
I ignored him and headed on toward Alexa, and together we headed toward the

conferenceroom.

"Hi,"Isaid.
"Hello,stranger,"shereplied."Iheardaboutthenomination."
"Iwantedtocallyou."

"Butyoudidn't.Iwonderwhy."
"I would have, everything has just been really crazy here," I said and opened the

doortotheconferenceroom.Wewalkedintogether.Thankfully,theplacewasempty.

"I keep wondering what I did wrong and that it crossed my mind that the only

reasonwearen'tascloseasbeforeisthatnow,Iamquitewealthy."

"Ihaven'tbeenavoidingyouifthat'swhatyou'reinsinuating.Wetalk."
"Butwedon'thangout.FunnycauseweusedtowhenIwasahooker,andnowthat

thingsaredifferent,youdon'twanttoanymore."

Isighedinresponse.
"Look,Dylan,Iunderstandwhatthisisabout.TrustmeIdo.ButIdon'tseeyouthat

way.It'sbeenfivemonths,butthosefivemonths,I'vebeenthinkingaboutyouevery
singleday."

"I…"Istartedtointerrupt.
"Shh...I'mnotfinished.WhenI'mdone,youcantalk.IknowItoldyoubeforethat

I'mnotlookingforanexclusivethingandthatIwasn'tready.ButnowIam,andIdon't
seeanyoneelseI'dliketogivearelationshipashotwithbutyou.Iknowthissounds
crazyandoutoftheblue.Butyoudon'tknowhowmuchithurtthatIwasn'tthefirst
personyoucalledwhenyouheard.Onceuponatime,Iwouldhavebeen."

"Alexa…"
"I'mstillnotfinished.IguessallthatIamtryingtosay,Dylan,isthatIreallydolike

youandIdon'tlikethatlifeisgettinginthewayofthat.NowI'mfinished."

Iwasbaffledbyherhonesty."Idon'tknowwhattosay."
"Agirljusttellsyoushereallylikesyouandwouldwanttogivearelationshipashot

andyoudon'tknowwhattosay?"

"Ireallylikeyou,too,Alexa.I'msorryIpulledawayfromyou.Ijustdidn'twantto

comeacrossasagolddigger."

"I don't mind if you are, Dylan. All that matters is that we're together. So what do

yousay?"

"Idon'tseewhythehellnot,"Isaid,pulledherintomyarmsandplantedakisson

her lips. "This isn't much of a proposal, but it is a start. Alexa Grant Patterson, would
youliketobemydatetotheawardceremony?"

"Ithoughtyou'dneverask."

2 8

“

A L E X A

lexa!Ifyoukeepatit,we’redefinitelygoingtobelate.”Patricecalledouttome.

“Justaminute!”Icalledbackouttoher.“I’llbeoutsoon.”
“Err,yousaidthattenminutesago,”shereplied,hervoicesoundingcloserthistime.

Shewasrightoutsidethedoortomyroom,andIwasnotcaughtbysurprisewhenshe
openedthedoorandcamein.

“Eventhoughwedecidedonthisdresstogether,Ihavetosaythisagain.Youlook

amazinginthatdress.”

“Iknow,”Irepliedandstaredatmyreflectioninthemirror.
Cladinaknee-length,whitepleatedAdamLippesdress,IlovedwhatIlookedlikein

themirror.Thatispartlythereasonitwastakingforevertogetdressed.Ihadtolook
perfect. Despite the wealth I had come to, I normally wouldn’t indulge myself with
suchadress,butthepastcoupleofyearshadbeenamazingandforthatIwasgrateful,
soIthoughtwhynot?Ididn'tregretmakingthatdecisiononebitnow,seeingtheway
thisdresslookedonme.

“Alexa!”
“What?I’lljusttouchuponthemake-upalittlebit."
“You’llmiss your own graduation,and the annoying thingis you’ll make me miss

minetoo.I’vebeenlookingforwardtothisdayforsolong,Iwon’tletyoumessitup
forme,”Patricesaid.

“Mygraduation,”Iwhisperedwithawidegrinonmyface.
It felt good to say those words. Today, I graduated from college with my

managementdegree.Thatandawholelotmore.Inthosetwoyears,Ihadlived,loved
andmadeadifference.Mynewlifeasarichkidhaditsperks,butitstilltookalotof
gettingusedto.DylanandImighthavestartedoutunsure,butwiththepassingofeach
day, we were growing more and more in love. And, I finally got to do something for
girls out there on the streets. After Dylan’s expose was published, we decided it was
best to start a foundation for getting girls off of the streets and helping them build a
betterfuture.

Myphonerangsomewhereonthebed,andPatricehandedittome.
“It’sPaula,”shesaidasshehandedittome.Iansweredthecallimmediately.
“Hello,CEO,”Paula’scheeryvoicefilledmyear.
“Stop getting ahead of yourself, Paula. I only just finished college,” I replied,

laughing.

“Butthatwasthewholeplan,dear.Youfinishschoolandthentakethereinsofyour

father’scompanies,”Paulateased,andIlaughedatwhatwassupposedtobeaninside
joke.

“We both know I still have to watch and learn for a while before that is going to

happen.”

“How’sthelatestgraduateintowndoing?”
“Feelingreallyfly.Pleasetellmeyou’renotcallingtocancelonme.”
“I’m not. I’ve just finished a meeting, and I’m supposed to be in another in five

minutes,butwe’dbedoneingiveortake,anhour.Runningamagazineisapparentlya
muchharderjob.ImisswhenIwasjusttheEditor.Thankfully,thenewEditorshares
thesamevisionasI.”

“Whateveryoudo,justdon’tmissoutontheceremony.IhopeIdon’thavetocall

Dylantoremindhimagainabouttoday.”

“I doubt he’s forgotten. Our award-winning journalist didn’t even bother showing

upatworktoday.”

“Good. Now he’d better be on his way and not with some source for yet another

story.”

“You should be glad you have a boyfriend who doesn’t leech off of you and is

working twice as hard. And it’s not like you’re any different. Dylan also complains
abouthowyourfoundationistakingallofyourtime.”

“Areyouonmysideorhis?”Iaskedfeigningoffense.
Paulalaughed.“Seeyouinacoupleofhours,kiddo.”
“Seeyou,”Isaidandendedthecall,IturnedtoPatrice.“Justonemorecall?”Isaid

toher.“Dylanwassupposedtocomepickusup,butrightnow,thatdoesn’tsoundlike
muchofaplan.”

“Fine,”shesaidasIdialedmyboyfriend’snumber.
Dylandidn'tansweruntilthethirdtimeItriedcallinghim.Iwasmadashell,butI

wouldn'tlethimruinthisdayIhadbeendreamingofallyearlong.“Dylan,youknow
youhaveamillionandonequeriestoanswernow?”Isaidbeforehespeaks.

“Hey,babe.I’mreallysorry.Iwascaughtupinthemiddleofsomething.”
“Andthatsomethingis?”Iasked.
“I’lltellyouwhenIseeyoulatertoday.RightnowIneedtoaskyouforafavor,”he

said,andashesaidit,Iknowwhathewasabouttosay.Dylanwasabouttoapologize
fornotmakingittotheceremony.

“Dylan,wetalkedaboutthisalready.Iwon’thaveoneofyourstoriestakeyouaway

frommewhenIneedyoubesidemethemost.”

Dylanchuckled.“Calmdown,missy.I'mnotmissingyourgraduation.I’mjustgoing

tobealittlelate.Somethingcameuplastminute,andIwon’tbeabletopickyouand
Patriceup.I’mreallysorry.”

“Ihateyourightnow,Dylan.”
“I’msorry.I’msureI’llmakeituptoyou.Justbepatient,”hepleaded.
“Justdon’tmissthewholedayaltogether,”Isaidandendedthecallinanger.
“Dylancan’tcome?”PatriceaskedasItossedthephoneonthebed.
“Hecan’tpickusup.Buthe’llbetherebeforetheend.Ihatehimrightnow.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that line too many times before to even take you seriously. I’m

morethansurewhenyouseehim;you’devengreethimwithabigfat,sloppykiss.”

I couldn't help laughing when she was done. I didn't bother to argue with Patrice

becauseshewasn'tfarfromthetruth.IlovedDylansomuchIcouldn'tstaymadathim
fortoolong.

“Whatever,” I said and added one last dash of powder on the bridge of my nose.

Satisfiedwithmylook,IturnedtoPatrice.“Areyoureadytobeofficiallylaunchedinto
therealworld?”

“I’veneverbeenmoreready.”

2 9

D Y L A N

sIwatchedAlexacollectherscrollonthestage,Ifeltprideracethroughmyblood.I

couldimaginewhatparentsfeltlikewhentheywatchedtheirkidssucceed.Iwassitting
betweenherstepmother,PaulaandmycousinAdrian.Forthefirsttimeinalltheyears
Ihadspentonearth,Iwouldbeintroducingawomantomycousinassomethingmore
thanjustafling.IsmiledwhenIrememberedtheveryfirsttimeIintroducedAlexato
Adrian.

Adrianhadtakenthreestepsbackandswepthiseyesovermefromheadtotoe.The

look of disbelief in his eyes was too obvious to be overlooked. He had immediately
shoutedoutforLolaandtoldherthenews.Together,theyhadlaughedandteaseduntil
the two of them were exhausted. That was when we had just started out. Two years
intoourrelationshipandwitheverypassingday,Ifellmoreandmoreinlovewithher.

Despiteherwealth,shewasstillthesamepersonImetandstartedtolike.Apartof

me had thought that maybe things would change because now she was a lot richer
thanIwasandprobablycouldeverbe.Ihadmydoubts.Andthenitwasn’teasyforme
knowing that people would think I was with her for her money. Different thoughts
crossedmymind.Atapoint,Iwasreadytogiveitallup,giveherallupbecauseIdidn’t
knowhowthingswouldpanout.

Ihadtoldherthen,andAlexapracticallyscoldedmeafterward.Itwasherwordsof

encouragementthatkeptmestrongandeventuallythefeelingofdoubtstartedtofade
outgradually.Itwasnotcompletelygone,however.Therewasnowayintheworldit
couldbe.Istillgotworriedsometimes.Butunlikebefore,Iwasamuchdifferentman
fromwhatIusedtobe.Theoccasionalchatterdidn'tgettomesomuch.Solongasthe
peoplethatmattered;Alexaandthoseshehelddeardidnotthinksuch,IthinkIwas
good.

Winning the Pulitzer really put my life in perspective. I realized more than ever

whereIwantedtobeandIstartedtoworkharderatit.Twoyearslater,onePulitzer
and another Pulitzer I just narrowly missed winning (I had to admit the other guy’s
workwasreallygood),IwaslivingthelifeIleftforLAtolive.Therewasjustonething
lefttomakethislifereallycompleteanddamnwasIgoingtomakeithappen.

With Alexa, I had been able to learn to use my life and my position to help out

othersinneed—tolearnthattheworlddidn'trevolvearoundmealone.Sowhenshe
started her foundation for hookers, I immersed myself full-on into the project.

Together, we had been able to put fifty girls through their education, establish
businesses for about thirty more. The numbers were not as great as we thought we
wouldhavegottenintwoyears,butitwasagoodstart.Itwasn'taneasytaskgetting
those girls out, but we are grateful for our moderate success. Hopefully, New Year
wouldbringwithitmuchgreaternumbers.

Adrian looked my way as Alexa took her place with the others and I could have

swornhewinked.HethoughtAlexawasagreatcatch.Ithoughtshewasthecatchofa
lifetime. This was one person I should never let go of no matter what. When the
speeches and the ceremonies were over, Paula and I met up with Alexa and Patrice,
Stanford’slatest.Bothgirlswerebeamingwithpridewhentheygottous.

“I’m so glad you came, Paula. Adrian! You, too. Hey, babe,” Alexa said and kissed

me.

“Youguysshouldjustgetaroomalready,”PatricegroanedasshehuggedPaula.
“Wewill,”Alexasaid,andthenshekissedmeevenmoreasPatricemadechoking

soundsbehindus.“I’mstillmadyoudidn’tcomepickmeupthismorning.Iwaseven
madderwhenIfoundoutyoudidn’tshowupatworktoday.Makesmewonderwhy
youcouldn’tdrivemedown.Whichoneofyoursubjectshasyourattentionthistime?”
Alexaasked.

“Somelady.Sheusedtobeintheprostitutionbusiness,”Iwhisperedtoher.
“Youknow,I’mbeginningtothinkyouhaveathingforhookers.”
“Mygirlfriendusedtobeone.SoIguessthatfigures,”Iteased.
“You cheating ass,” she said, punching me playfully on the chest. “Just make sure

youletherknowaboutthefoundation.Despitethefactthatshe’sstealingmyman,I
stillwanttohelpher.”

“Ohyeah,Iwill.Infact,that’swhyIwaslate.Iwaspickingupsomethingforher.I

needyouropinion,”Isaidandslippedmyhandintomysuitpocket.

“Seriously?You’vestartedgettinghergifts?”sheasked,andIthoughtIheardahint

ofjealousysomewhere.Ialmostlaughed,butIknowthatwouldonlyannoyher.

“Justtellmeifit’sgoodornot,”IsaidasIextractedthesmallboxthatmademelate

formygirlfriend’sgraduation.Iwentdownononekneeandstretchedouttheboxto
her.Alexa’seyeswerewidewithsurprise,andaroundus,Icouldhearwhispers.Itwas
justhowIthoughtitwouldbe.

“Shit!”sheexclaimedasIopenedtheboxtorevealtheringinit.
“Before you say anything, let me finish. Alexa, when I met you, it was purely by

chanceandneverwouldIhavethoughtwewouldstillbespeakingtoeachother,talk
more dating. But you’ve brought good things into my life. You’ve made me a better
person.

“Beforenow,Inevertrulyunderstoodwhatitmeanttobeinlove.Iwaslost,andI

didn’tevenrealizewhatitwasIwasmissingouton.Butyoucame,Alexa.Youcame
andmademerealizejustabouthowmuchIammissingoutonwithoutknowingthe
truemeaningoflove.Youbroughtthatloveintomylife,andnowIdon’teverwantto
livewithoutit.Oryou.”

Alexawasbeamingdownonme,tearsflowingfreelyfromhereyesasIspoke.The

numberofpeoplearounduswatchingthisprofessionoflovehadincreased.Outofthe
corner of my eyes, I could see phones recording each moment. I hoped Dylan or

Patrice or Paula were recording this. I wanted this memory to last forever. We had
indeed come a long way. I realized that it was only a matter of moments before the
pressgotwindofwhatwasgoingon.Thepresswouldsurelyhaveafielddaytoday.

AllthatmatterednowwastopouroutmyhearttothiswomanIwantedtosharemy

past, present, and future with. At that moment, I realized just about how much I
wanted this. I couldn't live without this woman, and it would tear me to pieces if for
anyreasonwhatsoeversheturnedmedown.Notliketherewasachanceshecoulddo
thatnow.Orwasthere?Therewasonlyonewaytofindout.Itwastimetofinishthis.

“Iloveandcherishyouwithallmyheart,Alexa,”Isaidlookingintohereyes.The

tears in her eyes were making mine start to glisten a little. I continued. “So much so
that I want this to last forever. I promise to be there for you no matter what. Come
what may, you’ll find me by your side. If I decide to go on and on about how I feel
about you, about us—I'd probably be on this bended knee for decades to come. So, I
guesswhatIamsayingwithallofthisepistleis,AlexaGrantPatterson;mylover,my
muse.Onthisdaywhenyoufinallycompleteyourdream,wouldyoupleasehelpme
completemine?Wouldyoustickwithme,sowecanbuildourdreamstogether?”

“OhMyGod!Dylan.Yes.Yes!Yes!”shesaidamidsttearsofjoy.
AsIslippedtheringontoherfinger,IfeltwithinmeanelationIneverfeltbefore.

Mylifewastrulycompletenow.