MORETHANFRIENDS

JILLIANQUINN

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C H A P T E R 1

FreshmanYear

ean

THE

FIRST

timeinmylife,Iamafraidtotalktoagirl.Andnotjustanygirl.Katisthe

daughterofNickBaldwin,theprofessionalhockeyplayerIhaveidolizedformostofmy
life.IstillhaveNHLpostersofherdadonthewallsinmybedroombackhome.Herfather
isthereasonIwantedtobecomeahockeyplayer,andnow,Iamstalkingher.

Myteammateslaughedatme,toldmeIwascrazyforseekingoutKat.WhenI’dheard

thatNick’sdaughtermadethewomen’sicehockeyteamatStricklandUniversity,Ihadto
seeformyselfifshelivesuptotheBaldwinname.Shedoesn’tdisappoint,notevenalittle
bit.Infact,Katmightbeafasterskaterthanherdad.

Katskatesdowntheice,withafewgirlsintow,switchingthepucktoherright,asshe

thewingercomesuponherleftside.Theycollideagainsttheboards,scramblingforthe
puck. With a front-row seat to the action, I get up from my chair and lean into the
Plexiglas,watchingKatfighttokeeppossessionofthepuck.Sheelbowsoneofthegirls
inthejaw,buttheofficialdoesn’tcatchit.

I laugh. While Kat has her father’s skating and puck-handling abilities, she has her

older brother’s scrappiness. Duke and Austin Baldwin are two of the best defensive
playersintheNHL.IseealotofherbrothersinKat.Evenfromthestands,Iaminaweof
her,smilingatthethoughtofmeetingher.

After the game ends, I wait by the rink entrance for Kat as the Strickland Senators

smack the hands of their opponents. Kat was the sole reason for this win at home. She
dominatedeverysecondshewasontheice.

Wipingmysweatypalmsdownthefrontofmyjeans,IcallouttoKat,whonarrows

hereyesatme.Iholdupmyindexfingerandgestureforhertocomeovertome.

Sherollshereyesbutfollowsmyrequest.

“Hey,”Imanagetosaybeforesheinterruptsmytrainofthought.

“Didyoujustbeckonme?”Sheripsoffherglovesandholdsthemagainsthernavy-

and-whitejersey.

“Umm…Iguessso.”Ishovemyhandsintomypocketstodrythemoff.

Whyisshemakingmesodamnanxious?Iwasn’teventhisnervouswhenItriedout

forthevarsityhockeyteam.

“I’mnotapuckbunnyoryourbeckoncallgirl.Youdon’tpointyourfingeratmeand

expectmetocomerunningover.”

Thecornersofmymouthturnupintoawickedgrin.“Butyoudid.”

“No,don’tdothat.”Sheshakesherhead.“Doesthatsmirknormallyworkforyou?”

Thrownoffbyherquestionandtheawfulturnthatthisconversationistaking,Ihave

noideahowtorespond.Fromwatchingherplay,Iknewshewouldbeanobullshitkind
of girl, yet I treated her as if she were some puck bunny hanging out after one of my
games.

Totaldickmove.

“Yeah, I guess it does,” I admit, holding out my less sweaty hand. “I’m Dean

Crawford,thestartingcenterforthemen’steam.”

“Iknowwhoyouare,Dean.Yourreputationprecedesyou.”

“Isthatagoodorbadthing?”

Sheshrugs.“Dependsifwe’retalkingabouthockeyoryourextracurricularactivities.”

“ThisisnothowIwashopingthiswouldgo,”Iconfess.

Shechuckles.“Youhadthisallplannedout?Ithoughtyouwerealadiesman.Ihave

tosayI’mnotthatimpressed.”

“Oh,yeah.Whyisthat?”Itrytohidemysmileandfail.

“You’renotassmoothasIthoughtyouwouldbe.”

“AtleastyouknowwhoIam.”

“C’mon,Baldwin,”hercoachyellsfrombehindheronherwayintothelockerroom.

“Let’sgetamoveon.”

Katglancesoverhershoulderandsaysokay,beforeturningherfocusbacktome.“I

havetogo.Istheresomethingyouwanted?”

I’veneverhadthisissuewithwomen.Mostofthegirlsoncampusthrowthemselves

atmyteammatesandme.“Iwantedtomeetyou.”

Shehuffs.“Areyouoneofmydad’sfanboys?Idon’thavetimeforthatshit.Doyou

knowhowmanyguystalktomeeveryweekbecauseofmydadandbrothers?”

“Iwon’tlietoyou.YourdadisthereasonIcameheretoday,butyourtalentiswhat

keptmewatching.”

Herfacelightsupwithagenuinesmile.“Now,you’rejusttryingtoflatterme.”

“Isitworking?”Iwigglemyeyebrowsather.

“Idon’tknow,”shegroans.“Maybe.”

“Whatareyoudoinglater?”

“ImighthangoutwithmyfriendattheSAC.”Shebitesdownonherbottomlipasif

I’mtheonewhoismakinghernervous.“Weplayairhockeyuponthethirdfloorifyou
wanttocome.”

Then, it hits me that she thinks I’m asking her on a date when that wasn’t my

intention.KatisbeautifulthatmuchIcantellbeneaththehelmetthatcoversherblonde
hairandthelayersofgearthatfilloutherframe.ButIwasn’teventhinkingthatfarahead.
Despitemyreputation,Idon’tsleeparoundasmuchaseveryonethinks.Idon’tcorrectthe
peoplespreadingtherumorseither.So,Isupposethatismyfault.

“Well,IguessIwillseeyouinthegameroom.”

“Okay.”Shesmilesonelasttimebeforesheturnsawayfromme.“Seeyalater,Dean.

Don’tthinkforonesecondthatIwillletyouwinjustbecauseI’magirl.”

Ilaughinresponse.“Girlornot,Iwouldn’texpectthatfromaBaldwin.”

Sheglancesoverhershoulderatmeandwinks.

KatiseverythingIhadimaginedandmore.Girlslikeherdon’tcomealongthatoften.

ShehasmesointriguedthatIpanicalloveragainatthethoughtofhangingoutwithher
outsidetherink.AsIwatchKatleave,myheartpoundsinmychest.Iamintrouble.

C H A P T E R 2

FreshmanYear

“D

EAN

RAWFORD

COMING

HERE

tohangoutwithus?”Beccaholdsherhanduptoher

mouth,hereyeswideinshock.

I shrug, staring around the game room to make sure no one overheard her outburst.

“Stopturningitintoabigdeal.”

“Buthe’ssohot.Hewaitedforyouafterourgame.Imeanseriously,Kat,howdidyou

gethimtoaskyouout?”

“Deandidn’taskmeout.”Isighatherwords.“HewantedtoknowwhatIwasdoing

tonight,andItoldhimwewouldprobablycomeherelikewealwaysdo.”

“IhopeDeanbringsoneofhisteammateswithhim.Then,wecandoubledate.”She

pushesherdarkcurlsbehindherearsandgivesmeadreamylook.

Deanhasthiseffectonallwomen.Imust’vethrownhimforaloopwithhowIacted.I

diditonpurposetomesswithhismojo.Formyentirelife,Ihavedealtwithpuckbunnies
andskankywomenlustingovermydad,andnowmyolderbrothers.Iwasn’tabouttodo
thesamethingtoDean.

“It’s not a date,” I correct for what feels like the hundredth time since I told Becca

aboutDeanbeckoningmeearlier.

“Thatwasnotaninvitationtodinner,morelikeacasualgestureamongfriends.Dean

wouldneverseemeasmorethanafriend.”

“Getoutofhere,Kat.”Beccasinksintotheplushfabricthatlinesthebenchalongthe

windowsill and leans against the wall to get comfortable. “He made the first move. I
wouldn’tbesosureaboutthetwoofyoubeingfriends.”

EvenifIwantedtogetmyhopesupformore,there’snowayIwoulddatesomeone

withhisreputation.

“YouwouldbethetalkofthecampusifyoudatedDeanCrawford.”

“Ialreadyamthetalkofthecampus.”Isitnexttoherontheledgeandglancearound

theroomforDean.“AtleastonceaweekIhavesomeoneaskmeformyautographasifI
aman extension ofmy famous family.You should see thestares I getfrom the guys on
thiscampus.It’screepy.Deanwasnodifferent.He’sanotherfan.”

“Youdon’tknowthat.”Hersmilereacheshereyes,directingmyattentiontothecause

ofherreaction.Dean.

Flanked by two of his teammates, Dean strolls toward us. His broad shoulders and

thick chest fill out the black sweater that’s plastered to his muscular frame. Dark jeans
hanglowfromhisnarrowhipsandhugeverycurveofhisbodyasifmadeforhim.

Ishouldn’thavethesethoughtsaboutDean.He’sthecampusbadboy.Iavoidmenlike

himon purpose. Butfor some reason,I don’t think hewould break myheart. Not that I
wanttogetthatclosetohim,butstill,IsawsomethinginDeanearlier.Thatsomethingis
whatmademelowermyguardandinvitehimheretonight.

“Youshowed,”Isay,hoppingdownfromthewindowsilltomeethim.

“Of course, I did.” He motions toward the guy on his right and then left. “Do you

knowRyanandKillian?”

Iholdoutmyhandforeachofthemtoshake.

Ryan Nash and Killian Cade are just as legendary at Strickland University as Dean.

RyanandKillianarebothjuniorswhoalreadyhadaseriouspuckbunnyreputationbefore
Deanmadethevarsityteam.Iguessmanwhorestravelinpacks.Deanmustbetheiralpha.

“Hey,” Dean says, clutching my waist. He pulls me into him and kisses me on the

cheek.

AndIthoughtmybrotherswerelovey.Still,theyarefamily,andDeanisacomplete

stranger. Maybe Becca is right about this being a date. I have no idea how to react to
Dean.

My brothers were so overprotective that I never had many dates. I mostly kept my

headinmybooksandplayedhockey.AnychanceatasociallifewaskilledbyDukeor
Austinthesecondtheyfoundoutaboywasinterestedinme.IalwayshadBecca,though.
WemovedfromChicagotoPhiladelphiatogethertoplayfortheSenators.Collegeisour
freshstart.

Likeme,Beccahasanoverbearingfamily.Herparentsaresuperreligiousandnever

letherdoanything.Betweenherparentsandmybrothers,wemostlystucktoourselves.
Spendingsomuchtimeawayfromboysandallthedramathatcomewiththemallowed
bothofustoimproveourgame.Andwhobetterthantoteachusthanmydad?

Dean’seyestravelovermybodyashereleasesmefromhisgrip.“Youlookdifferent

outofuniform.Ialmostdidn’trecognizeyou.”

“Um…okay.”

“Imeanthatinthebestwaypossible,”headds.“Itwassupposedtobeacompliment.”

“Yousuckatthis,”Itellhimwithlaughterinmyvoice.

Hechuckles.“Ineverhadagirlasafriendbefore.Allofthisisnewtome.”

Myheartplungesintomystomach.ButIquicklyreboundfromDean’scomment.No

waywillIallowhimtoseetheeffecthiswordshaveonme.

“I’mgladIwillbeyourfirst,”Isay.

“Me,too.”Thecornersofhismouthturnupintoasmile.

“Now that you’ve popped your girlfriend cherry, do you want to play some air

hockey?”

He lifts the strikers from the vacant air hockey table and hands one to me. “I’m not

goingeasyonyou,Kitten.”

No one has called me Kitten in years. I love the way it sounds coming from Dean’s

mouth. A beat passes between us where I stare into his denim irises, studying his olive
skin and flawless features. If you overlook the scar under his right eyebrow, Dean is
perfectineveryway.

Deanrakeshishandthroughhisshort,blackhairthathasaslightcurlattheends,and

waitsformetorespond.Lostinhislooks,Iforgotweweresupposedtoplayairhockey.
My ability to become his friend dwindles by the minute. I’ve had plenty of friends that
wereboys,mostofthembyassociationwithmybrothers.

We take our places at each end of the table, staring down at each other. There’s a

palpableenergybetweenus,anelectricpulsethatcreepsintomyboneswitheachstolen
glanceinDean’sdirection.Buthewantstobefriends.

C H A P T E R 3

SophmoreYear

THE

BASEMENT

oftheDeltaSigmaPhifraternityhouse,IsitnexttoDeanonthecouch

andcringe.I’mprettysuresomeonepukedonthisthingearlier.Evenwithallthealcohol
inmysystem,thethoughtcausesmetoscootclosertoDean.

“You don’t have to play, Kitten.” Dean taps me in the arm. “I know this is not your

thing.”

“It’sokay,”Islur.“Iwanttoplaythegame.”

AlltheSolocupswepoundedduringbeerpongkickedinabouttenminutesago,andI

amstartingtogivezerofucks.

One of the frat brothers had suggested we play a make out game. I thought it was

stupid,consideringwearenotingradeschoolanymore.Butit’samoreadvancedversion
ofSevenMinutesinHeaven,oratleastthatwashisclaim.Iassumethisishowtheyget
womentobendtotheirwill.

Deanhasmoreexperiencethanme.Infact,Istillhaven’tkissedaboyformorethana

few seconds on the lips. There was one time that I guess counted as my first kiss with
tongue,butthatwassoshortIhaveahardtimeconsideringthatakiss.

Ifnotfortheliquidcourage,Iwouldbeterrifiedrightnow.ButwithDeanatmyside,

I’mnotscared.Hehasawayofcalmingmedownwithoutsayingaword.Justknowing
he’sherewithmeisenough.

“Idon’twanttoseeyoukissingarandomfratdude,”Deansays,loweringhisvoice.

Surroundedbythebrotherswholiveinthehouseandtheirnextvictims,Ireconsider

thisstupidgame.TheytaketurnsplayingRussianRoulettewithshotglassesofvodkaand
water.Foreveryshotofvodkawegrab,wehavetoperformadare.Ofcourse,allofthem
involvesomethingdirty.

Dean holds me close as he drinks his beer and watches the others play the game.

Starting to rethink the idea, I want to back out. After making a promise to my younger
brothersnottotouchme,Deanwillwanttokeephisword.Butpeerpressureisabitch.

After we take our shots, both of them full of vodka, one of the brothers tells us to

chooseourdare.Ishrugathim,unsureofwhattopick.Deanstaresatme,asifhehasno
ideawhattodo,andpoundstherestofthecuponthetableinfrontofhim.

The boy on the couch across from us throws a key into Dean’s lap. “Top floor, last

doorontheright.”

Deanliftsthekeyfromhisjeansandstaresattheboy,confused,buthemustgetthe

reference.HewantsDeantotakemeupstairs.

Awkward.

“We’refriends,”Deantellshim,throwingthekeybacktohim.

Hecatchesthekeyandthrowsitrightback,andthistimeitlandsonmyleg.Iliftit,

feelingthedullridgeswithmyfingers,andleanintoDean.

“Let’sjustfinishourdareandcomeback.”

Dean narrows his eyes at me. “Kitten, you cannot be serious. I’m not going to fuck

youinsomenastyroominafrathouse.”

“Wecanpretend,”Ibreatheagainsttheshellofhisear.

HecatchesontowhatI’mputtingdownandhelpsmeupfromthecouch.WhileDean

doesn’tevencloselyliveuptohisreputationoncampus,thepeopleintheroomwithus
expectmorefromhim.Icouldcarelesswhatanyofthemthinkaboutme.Ineverturned
down a dare before, and I don’t plan to start now, not with everyone watching us. Kat
Baldwinisnopunk.

Dean leads me by the hand up the basement stairs and to the top floor of the old

Victorian.We’redoingthisforappearancesake.Noonewillevennoticehowlongwe’re
goneorifwebothertocomeback.

Onceinsidetheroom,Deanshutsthedoorbehindusandlocksit.Iwasexpectinga

bed,butinstead,therearetwocouches,acoffeetable,andaflat-screenTVhangingonthe
wall. I sit down and grab the remote from the table to turn on the TV. If we have to
pretend,wemightaswellkeepourselvesentertained.

“I’msorryaboutthis,Kitten.”Deanplaceshisbighandonmykneeandsqueezesit.“I

shouldhaveknownbetterthantobringyouintothebasement.That’swherealltheweird
shithappensinthishouse.”

Ishrugagainstthecushionandleanintohisbulkyframe.“Don’tworryaboutit.They

havenoideawhatwe’redoinguphere.Noonewillknowifwekissornot.Let’shangout
hereforabouttwentyminutes,returnthekey,andgetoutofhere.”

“I should have brought some beer with us,” he says, leaning his head back on the

cushion.

“Fuck it.” I climb onto his lap and straddle him, pressing my palms down on his

shoulders.“What’sonekissbetweenfriends?”

Hereachesuptorunhiscallousedthumbalongmyjawandtraceshiswaytomylips.

“You’rebeautiful,Kat,butIdon’twantyoutodothisbecausesomeassholedaredusto

comeupheretogether.”

Idipdowntobrushmylipsagainsthis.“Wecankissandstillbefriends.”

Heslideshishandsdowntomywaistandholdsmetight.“Oncewedothis,wecan’t

goback.”

“It’sjustakiss,Dean.”

“You say that now, but what if everything between us changes tomorrow? I can’t

affordtoloseyou,Kitten.Youmeantoomuchtome.”

“Haven’tyoueverwonderedwhatitwouldbelike?”Imovehishandsfrommyhips

tomyass,staringintohiseyes.“Shouldn’tweseeifthere’ssomethingmorebetweenus?”

“Whereisallthiscomingfrom?Don’tletthoseidiotsgetunderyourskin.”

“They’renot.”Itakehisbottomlipinmymouthandsuckonit.“Ithoughtyouwere

askingmeoutthedaywemet.”

“Wouldyouhavesaidyes?”Hebreathesthewordsagainstmylips.

“Inaheartbeat,”Iconfess.

Withthat,Deancupsmyassinhishands,grippingmewithsomuchforcethatIletout

asoftmoan.“Isthiswhatyouwant,Kitten?”

“Uh-huh.”Igrindonhim,feelinghimgrowbeneathme.“Iknowyoudo,too.”

“You’redrunk,”hegrunts.“IfeellikeIamtakingadvantageofyou.Imadeapromise

toTheoandTuckerthatIwouldtakecareofyou.I’mviolatingtheirtrustandabusingthe
situation.”

“Youcan’ttakeadvantageifIwantittohappen,Dean.Now,shutupandkissme.Stop

overthinkingthedare.Wewon’tevenrememberthisinthemorning.”

Onceourlipscollide,Deanslipshistongueintomymouth,takinghistimeatfirst.It

shouldn’tfeelthisgoodtokissmybestfriend.Butdamnmeforwantingmoreofhim.I
wantallofhim.Ifweweren’tinthisroom,IwouldallowDeantowandermore.

Heat spreads from my cheeks and down to my chest, warming my insides. As Dean

navigatesmybodywithhisstronghands,hecommandshisdominanceoverme,mysex
clenchingfromeachtouch.Hissoftkissesturnmorepassionateandroughwitheachflick
of his tongue. He palms the back of my head, threading his fingers through my hair to
deepenthekiss.

Neitherofuswantstostop.TheDirtyDeanthatIknowwouldhavecomeouttoplay.

Instead,IhavetowatchhimwithothergirlsandpretendasthoughIdonotsecretlywishI
wasthem.

Dean never does anything with girls in my presence. But knowing he has the

occasional hookup bugs me sometimes. Now, I have the chance to be that girl for the
night.Wespendthenexttwentyminuteskissingandrunningourhandsovereachother’s
bodies,neverpushingthelimitfarenoughthatwecan’tgoback.

Sexisafinelinethatcouldcostuseverything.

C H A P T E R 4

SophmoreYear

ean

“D

youhookupwithoursister?”Theostrollsintomybedroom,givingmeadisgusted

look.Heplopsdownonmybednexttomeandwaitsformyresponse.

“Itwasforagame,”Iadmit,leaningmybackagainstthewall.“KatandIarefriends.

Don’treadanythingintoit.”

ThetruthisthatIlovedeverysecondofthekissIsharedwithKat.Ididn’twantitto

end.Butwearefriends.Ifanything,thekissonlycomplicatedourrelationship.

“Don’tletithappenagain,”Tuckersays,sittingontheoppositesideofTheo.

Ilaughathim.“Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit,toughguy?”

Hemakesafist,withhisfacetwistedinmockanger,andpunchesmeinthearm.

IguessIdeservedthatmuchforkissingKat.Beingwithhergavemetheworstcaseof

blueballs.AfterIwalkedKattoherdormitory,Istoodunderthewaterintheshowerfor
atleastanhour.NothingItriedhadhelped.

TheworstpartisthatIcannotstopthinkingabouthermouthandthoselusciouslips.I

dreamofwhatshewouldtastelikeandhowgoodshewouldfeelbeneathme.Iwantallof
her.ButIneedherfriendshipmore.

Ever since Kat’s twin brothers joined the Senators this year, I have become just as

closetothemasKat.Shewasn’tjokingaboutthembeingoverprotective.Kat’sbrothers
wouldkillforher.

Growingupwithnosiblingsandasinglemotherwhoworkedthreejobstokeepmein

skates,Ineverknewwhatitwasliketohaveabigfamily.Ispentmostofmytimeatother
people’shousesorplayingvideogamestokeepmyselfentertained.Mymomdidherbest,
andshestillbustsherasstomakemyprohockeydreamsbecomeareality.

ButseeinghowaclosefamilyoperatesmakesmewishIwaspartofone.That’swhyI

cannotscrewthingsupwithKat,despitemyfeelings.Kathasbecomefamilytome,and
byextension,sohaveherbrothers.

“Kattextedme.”Tuckersitsuptoreadthemessage.“Shewantsustomeetheratthe

SACtoplayairhockey.”

“Katlikesherairhockey,”Ideadpan.

Heshrugs.“Weplayeditallthetimeathomewhenwewerekids.It’sourthing.”

“Inoticed.Katmakesmeplaywithheralmosteverynightthatwedon’thaveagame

orpractice.”

“I’m hungry,” Theo says to Tucker. “Tell Kat to meet us in the cafeteria first. And

makesureshebringssomecashwithher.I’mout.”

“You’rerich,”Isay,statingtheobvious.“Howareyououtofmoney?”

“Iputtherestofmycashdownonuswinningthegametomorrownight.Ionlyneed

toborrowafewbillsfordinner.”

“Ifdadfindsoutthatyou’replacingbets,hewillkickyourass.”Tucker,theeldestof

the twins by two minutes, gets up from the bed and stares down at his brother. He’s the
more responsible of the two. “You are such a dumb ass. Don’t go gambling away your
trustfundonsportsbetting.RememberwhathappenedtoUncleSteve?”

Theonods,deflated.“Yes,Dad.Iwon’tdoitagain.”

Tucker snorts. “You know I’m right. Stop jerking off and focus on staying on the

team.”

Theorollshiseyesathisbrother.“Mygameisfine,thankyouverymuch,andmyspot

ontheteamissecure.”

“What do you think happens to players that take bets on their team, Theo?” Tucker

points his finger at his head. “Think with your head for once. If you get kicked off the
team,theregoesyourshotattheNHL,andDadwillkillyouifyoublowyourshotovera
stupidbet.”

“Okay,enoughfighting,boys.”Ipushmyselfupfromthebedandtomyfeet,holding

outmyhandtohelpTheoup.

Hetakesmyhandwithasigh.TheBaldwintwinsgoateachotherlikethisforhours.

Sometimes, one of our teammates who live in the house with us has to break up their
arguments. The one thing every member of the Baldwin family has in common is their
tempers,Katincluded.

FTER

THIRTY

MINUTES

ofnon-stopfighting,IgetTheoandTuckertostopyellingateach

other long enough to drag their asses to the Student Activity Center to meet Kat. The
scentsofherbsandfriedfoodsassaultmynostrilsaswegothrougheachstation.Ihadn’t
realizedhowhungryIwasuntilwegothere.

Wefillourtraysinahurryandsetofftowardthetableinthebackoftheroom,theone

wherewenormallymeetupwithourfriends.Katpeeksupfromherplate,lockingonto
me.Shepatstheseatnexttoher.

Now, she’s the one beckoning me. We still joke about the day we met. Back then, I

usedmyusualtricksonher,noteventhinkingthattheywouldn’tworkonagirllikeKat.
ShehasmesowhippedthatsometimesevenIwonderwhywenevertookourrelationship
tothenextstep.Untillastnight.

But I have to set those feelings aside for the sake of our friendship. As much as I

would love to explore more with Kat, it could never work with her brothers around to
blockusateveryturn.She’sneverevenhadaboyfriendbecauseofthem.

IsitnexttoKatandslidemychairintothetable.

“Whatdidyouget?”Katscansmyplate.“I’mstillhungry.”

“Cheesesteakandfries.Youwanthalfofit?”

She lifts a fry from my plate and stuffs it into her mouth, speaking between bites.

“Maybejustabiteofyoursteak.”

“Youowemeafewbucksforthisjoker,”TuckersaystoKat,pointingatTheowitha

goofysmile.

ShepullsatwentyoutofherbackpocketandthrowsitacrossthetableatTucker.He

picksitup,lookingvictorious.

“I’mnotajoker,”Theosays,defensive,buthe’stoobusyeatinghisfoodtoargue.

Katandheryoungerbrothersonlyhaveaoneyearagedifferencebetweenthem,but

youwouldassumebytheirbehaviorthatthetwinsareyearsapartfromKat.Whileshe’s
mature and sensible, they’re both wild and think after they act. Tucker surprises me on
occasion,butthatdoesn’thappenoften.

Then, there’s Duke and Austin, who are over five years older than Kat and rough

aroundtheedges.TheBaldwin’sareadynamicbunch.Neveradullmomentaroundany
ofthem.

IbreakmysteakinhalfandgiveittoKat.Insteadoftakingitfromme,shegrabsmy

hand and sinks her teeth into the sandwich. She pins me down with an intense stare,
makingitharderformetofocusonanythingotherthanherface.Iwatcheachmovement
ofhermouth,thinkingofhowherlipsfeltpressedagainstmine.Imissbeingthatcloseto
heralready.

Doesshefeelit,too?

Canwemakethisworkbetweenus?

Forbetterorworse,thingshavechangedbetweenus.IcannotdenytheconnectionI

havetoKat.Itwasalwaysthere.Buthowdowemoveforward?

C H A P T E R 5

JuniorYear

ean

ITTING

onthebednexttome,withherbackagainstthewallandherlegspulleduptoher

chest, Kat reaches for the remote between us. She turns off the TV, leaving the room in
silence.Wewereinthemiddleofanotheroneofourcrappymoviemarathons.

Shetakesmyhandinhersandtugshardenoughtobringmyattentiontoherbeautiful

face.“Dean,wouldyoubemyfirst?”

Myheartspeedsup,beatingoutofmychest.IhavenoideahowtoanswerKat.After

spendingmonthsworkingoutmyfeelingsforKat,thingshadfinallyreturnedtonormal.I
thoughtoursummeraparthadhealedtheoldwounds,onlyforhertoripthemopenagain.

“Youmeansex?”IhavetoclarifyjustincaseIamwayoffbase.

Shenods.“Yeah.Isthataweirdthingtoaskyou?”

“Whereisthiscomingfrom?”

“I’vebeenthinkingalotaboutsex,andIwanttodoit,youknow.”

“And you want it to be with me? Are you sure, Kitten? That’s a huge responsibility.

Youshouldhavesexwithsomeoneyoulove.”

Sheshakesherhead,smiling.“Iloveyou,silly.That’swhyIwantittobewithyou.If

I make the mistake of having sex with some random dude, I will regret it later. But I
wouldneverregretmychoiceifitwaswithyou.”

I should be happy about the situation. After pining for my best friend for what feels

likeaneternity,thisiswhatIwant.ButIhavemyreservationsaboutsexdestroyingour
relationship. It had taken me long enough to get over our kiss. But I want her. I never
stopped.

Inoneswiftmotion,Igrabherbythehipsandpullherontomylap.Shesqueezesmy

legsbetweenherthighsandstaresdownatme,lickingherlips.

Startingatherhips,Irunmyhandsdowntoherlegs,feelinghersoftskin.“Oncewe

godownthispath,there’snoturningback.Wecan’thittheresetbutton.”

Ishouldconfessmyfeelingsforhersothateverythingisoutonthetable,butIdon’t

want to ruin the moment. Kat asked me to do something for her that should be handled
withcare.

“Notinmyroom,”Itellher.“Ifthisiswhatyouwant,weshouldplanitout.Iwantit

tobespecialforyou.Yourfirsttimeshouldn’tbeinthehouseIsharewithmyteammates.
Plus,yourbrothersareontheothersideofthiswall.Hell,weevenshareabathroom.How
willthatlookiftheyfindustogether?”

Shebeamswithdelight.“So,you’lldoit.Iwassoafraidtoaskyou.”

“Kitten,havingsexforthefirsttimeisnotaBand-Aidyouhavetoripoff.Ifyouonly

wantthisbecauseyouthinkit’stherightthingtodo,thenyouaredoingitforthewrong
reason.”

Shepushesherhairbehindherears,sittingupjustenoughtogivemeaperfectviewof

hertightbody.Withherfullbreastspoppingoutofafittedbluetop,Ihadtroublefocusing
onthemovie,butnow,Ican’teventhinkstraight.

“Youhavemoreexperiencethanmeandknowwhatyou’redoing.Iwantyoutotake

myvirginity,Dean.Itshouldbeyou.”

“YouhavenoideahowmuchIlovehearingthat,Kitten.”Islidemyhandsbeneathher

shirt and lower her onto my chest. “But I’m afraid of what will happen if we cross that
line.”

“Iwillstillbeme,andyouwillstillbemybestfriend.Nothingwillchangebetween

us.Wekissedandsortofmadeoutlastyear.It’snotlikewehaven’tbeenwitheachother
insomesensebefore.”

“Idon’tthinkyougetwhatIamtryingtosay.”

“I do, Dean, trust me, I get it. You are looking out for me and want me to have this

magicalexperience.Itwillbe.That’swhyIaskedyou.”

“Not tonight, okay? I’m serious about this being planned out.” I close my eyes and

sigh,hatingmyself.

Tucker and Theo would kill me if they knew I was even considering taking Kat’s

virginity.Thecomplexityofthissituationhasmesoconflicted.Canmyheartsurvivethis?
Ibarelymadeitthroughlastyear.Idreamedofthismomentforsolong,andnowthatit’s
here,Idon’tfeelworthyofher.

Katpressesherlipstomine,forcingmyeyesopenforafewseconds,beforeIclose

themagain,allowingmyselftogetlostinher.Kissingmybestfriendshouldn’tfeelthis
good.Butitdoes.

Idevourher,mykisseshungryandpassionate,thetwoofussinkingsofarintoeach

other that neither of us wants to come up for air. The more I kiss her, the more I feel
myselffallingforher,hardandfastasourbodiesfusetogether.I’veneverhadthiskindof
connectionwithanyone.

Witheachkiss,Igrowharder,tentingmytrackpantstothepointIaminphysicalpain

from the pressure building. I don’t want her like this. Kat is wholesome, in a girl-next-

doorkindofway.Butnotnow,notwhenshe’stearingatmyclothes,beggingmetotake
herrighthereinmybedroom.

Myhandslipsbeneathhertoponcemore,andIgetevenharderwhenIdiscovershe’s

notwearingabra,grantingmeeasieraccess.Massagingherfull,perkytits,Ipeelmylips
fromhersandstareintohereyes.Sheissofuckingbeautiful,sopureandunlikethepuck
bunniesthatthrowthemselvesatmeoncampus.

I push her shirt up further to expose her skin to the cold air, and her nipples grow

harderbeneaththepadofmythumb.Shehisses,bitingdownonherbottomlip,asIroll
mytonguegentlyovertheswollenbud.

Threading her fingers through my hair, Kat moans my name, causing me to work

faster.Everygroanofpleasurefromherlipssendsmeovertheedge.Ihavewaitedfartoo
longforthismoment.

But what happens after we have sex? Will she look at me the same? Am I just

someonetohelpherfeelmoreconfidentforothermen?

InevertalkaboutwomenwithKat,andshenevermentionsanymenoncampus.She

knowsofthegirls,butInevergointoexplicitdetail,soIcansaveherthepainofwhatI
gothroughpretendingnottobeinlovewithher.

Shepurrsmyname.Good,Kitten.

Ibringherlipstomineandslipmytongueintohermouth,dividingandconquering

herbody,asmyhandswanderherskin.NotuntilIhearthedoorslamintheJackandJill
bathroomIsharewithTheoandTuckerdoIrealizemydoorisprobablyopen.

“Fuck.”WithoutmeaningtomanhandleKat,Ithrowherontotheothersideofme,just

incasethetwinscomebarginginonus.

Katpullsdownhershirtandfixesherhairandclothes.“Thatwasaclosecall.”

Ipointatthebathroomdoorontherightsideofmybedroom.“Ifwewentanyfurther,

yourbrotherswouldhaveruinedyourfirsttime.ThisiswhyIwanttodoittherightway.
Wecangetahotelroomorsomethingoffcampus.Anywherebuthere.”

Sherollsontoherside,facingme,andsinksherelbowintothestackofpillowsbehind

her.“Thankyou,Dean.There’snoelseIwouldrathersharethiswiththanyou.”

I should confess. Kat needs to know how I feel about her. She’s entering into this

thinkingthatwearejustfriendswhenwehavebecomesomuchmore.ButIchickenout
onceagain.EverytimeIcomeclosetotellingherhowIfeel,nothingcomesout.Thefear
oflosinghersetsin,makingmenumbontheinside.

Is there ever a good time to tell your best friend that you are in love with them?

Probablynot.

C H A P T E R 6

JuniorYear

ETWEEN

OUR

HOCKEY

schedulesandschoolwork,wehadtowaitthreeweekstoplanour

sexdate.Istillcan’tbelieveIhadthenervetoaskDeantotakemyvirginity.Butitshould
be Dean. When I’d asked him, the question rolled off my tongue, confirming I was
makingtherightdecision.Still,Iamsodamnnervousmypalmsaresweating.

The elevator ride up to our hotel room was quiet and awkward. Long periods of

silencebetweenusnevermeantathing—untiltoday.EvenDeanlookedanxiousfromthe
momentweparkedinthegarage.Infact,hestilldoes.Iknowhehasreservationsabout
sexaffectingourrelationship.Ido,too.

Dean has trouble with the card key to our room, jamming it into the reader several

timesbeforethelightturnsgreen.Hepushesopenthedoor,andwestepinside.

“It’snotthePeninsula,”hesays,droppingourbagsonthefloor,“butitwillhaveto

do.IwishIcouldaffordabetterhotel,somethingmorelikewhatyouareusedto.”

Deanworkedextrashiftsatthepizzashoponcampustoaffordthishotel.Heusedhis

motherasanexcusefortheovertime,butIknowIwasthereason.AndIfeelbadbecause
Ihavethemeans.Everythingcomessoeasytome,whileDeanhastobusthisasstogetit.
Heneverletsmepayforanythingonprinciplealone.Hismotherraisedhimwell.

I place my palms on his chest. “We have a view of the Camden Waterfront out our

window.Thesettingdoesn’tmatter.AllIcareaboutisthatIamherewithyou.”

Hetucksastrandofhairbehindmyearandsmiles.“I’mgladyouaskedmeinsteadof

somestranger.Youwererightaboutregrettingmyfirsttime.MinewasanolderwomanI
barelyknew.IwishithadbeenwithsomeoneIlove.Iwishithadbeenwithyou,Kitten.”

HiswordsbringtearstomyeyesthatIdesperatelyfighttokeepatbay.Hewipesthem

awaywithhisthumb,beforeleaningintoplantakissonmylips.

NervousaboutgettingnakedinfrontofDean,Isuddenlyfeelvulnerable.Butit’sthe

goodkindofnervesthatgetthebloodpumpingandmyheartpounding.Hispeckonthe
lips turns into him lifting me up and pressing my back against the wall. I hook my legs

aroundhimandwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck.

As Dean explores my mouth with his tongue, his hands roam, tracing over every

surfaceofmybody.Everykissmakesmewetinanticipation,histouchcausingmybody
totremblewithneed.Ihaveneverwantedsomethingsomuchinmyentirelife.

Forasplitsecond,IhadregrettedaskingDeantohavesexwithme,mostlyoutoffear

that he would turn me down. But this is hands-down the best decision I ever made. We
shareeverything,sowhynotourbodies?Overthepastfewyears,Ihaveformedabond
withDeanthatnoonecanbreak.

Onceourlipsseparate,Ihavetroublebreathing.MyheadbuzzesfromthehighDean

has provided me. A beat passes between us, where Dean studies my face, before setting
mebackontheground.Hetugsattheseamofmyshirt,andIraisemyarmsashepullsit
overmyhead,throwingitonthefloorbehindhim.

Dean takes his time undressing me, and with each piece of clothing he removes, he

kisseseveryinchofmyskin.BythetimeI’mnaked,mybodyisonfire,fueledbynerves
and adrenaline. Dean doesn’t waste time discarding his jeans and sweater. I watch him
intently as he slides his boxers over his hips. He’s the first naked man I have seen in
person.

Isuckinadeepbreath,alltooawareofhowhisbodymakesminerespond.Between

his chiseled arms, well-defined shoulders, and his massive cock, Dean has me out of
breathanddesperateforwhat’stocome.

Ibitedownonmybottomlipwhenhemovesinfrontofmeandslideshishandsonto

mywaist,staringintomyeyeswithgreed.

“Dean,”Imoan.

He answers with his actions. Once our tongues collide, I know deep down that

choosingDeanwasthebestdecision.Lostinthemoment,Irunmyhandsoverhischest,
makingmywaytotherestofhim.Somuchpassion,fueledbysexualtensionandhunger
foroneanother,flowsbetweenus.

When he comes up for air, I don’t want our lips to separate. Dean backs away from

me,outofbreath.Overcomewithemotion,mychestfeelstight.Ihavebeennervousfora
longtimeaboutthismoment.ButDeanmakesiteasier.Beingwithhimisright.

I stare into his eyes, and my mouth opens wide, as he reaches between my legs. He

rolls the pad of his thumb over my clit before he slips his fingers inside my wetness.
Leavingatrailofkissesfrommynecktomybreasts,Deantakeshistimeexploringmy
body.

Hesucksonmynippleandtugsonitwithhisteeth,forcingagroanofpleasurefrom

me.AsIcomeundone,Igrabholdofhisshoulderstostabilizemyself,mybodywrithing
beneathhim.IttakesmeafewsecondsbeforeIcanfunctionagain.

IwatchasDeanbringshisfingerstohismouthandlicksmyjuicesfromhisskin.

“You taste good, Kitten,” he says with a wicked grin that reaches up to his denim

irises.Then,hedoessomethingIleastexpectandmovesforwardtoliftmeupandintohis

arms.

Dean carries me over to the bed and kisses me, the taste of myself still on his lips.

“Youaresobeautiful,Kat,”hesays.“Iloveyousofuckingmuch.”

Onoccasion,Deantellsmehelovesme.Buthearingittonight,ofallnights,stirsup

somanyemotionsinsidemychest.

“Iloveyou,too,Dean,”Iwhisper.

With his hand on my back, he lowers me onto the mattress, acting as though I will

break.IlovehowcarefulDeaniswithme.Afterseeinghimupclose,Ihavemyconcerns
aboutthepain.Partofmeisterrified,whiletheotherpartisexcitedtosharethiswithmy
best friend. I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship. Apart from my family, Dean means
moretomethananyone.

Hepositionshimselfbetweenmylegs,andIsuckinadeepbreath,preparingmyself

forhissize.Afterseeinghimrunthroughthehallsatschoolnaked,Iknewgoingintothis
thatDeaniswellendowed.Butthisismyfirsttime.Thenervescomecreepingback.

He plants soft kisses along my jaw, making his way to my mouth. “Are you still on

birthcontrol?”

“Yes,”Imutter.

“Good.”Ifeelthesmileonhislips.

We had talked about this night for weeks. Despite his reputation as a manwhore on

campus,Deanhasonlybeenwithafewgirls,allofwhichheusedprotection.Hespends
more time with me than anyone else. I know everything about Dean. And I want to
experiencemyfirsttimewithoutanybarriersbetweenus.

Iclosemyeyesandwait,hopingitwillgetbetterbeforeitgetsworsesinceIhaveno

ideawhattoexpect.

Deanrunshisthumbalongmyjaw,forcingmyeyesopen.“Kitten,I’lltakeitslow.I

don’twanttohurtyou.”

“Itrustyou,Dean.”

Hereachesbetweenus,givinghimselfafewstrokes,beforeherubsthetipalongmy

folds,coatinghisskinwithmyjuices.Mybodysetsonfirefromtheadrenalinethatrushes
throughmyveins.

Once Dean inches himself inside me, my mind goes blank and my body numb from

thepain.Itiltmyheadtothesideandshutmyeyesbutonlyuntilthehardpartpasses.

Aspromised,Deanmovesslowly,thetensionlesseningwitheachmovement.Hefills

me all the way, causing me to cry out. I dig my fingernails into his shoulders and bite
downonmybottomlip,mybodytinglingfromallthepleasurepointsDeanhitsatonce.

“Youokay,Kitten?”Hestills,awaitingmyresponse.

“Neverbetter,”Icroak.“Keepgoing.”

He quickens his pace, my moans turning to screams. While still gentle, he’s rougher

thanbefore,butIencouragehimtocontinue.Asmybodyrelaxes,workinginarhythmic
motionalongwithhis,Deanliftsmyrightlegoverhisshoulder,slidingdeeperinsideme.

Staring up at him, I bite my lip harder to take my mind off the pain. We fall into a

rhythm,withmybodyrelaxedandmoreintunetohis.Hesucksinadeepbreath,hischest
risingandfallingwitheachgroanthatescapeshislips.Ihaveneverseenhimsofocused
before,hiseyesfullofhungeranddetermination.

My muscles tighten around him, just as Dean picks up the pace. I come undone

beneathhim,detachingfromreality.Chillsshootstraightthroughmybody,followedbya
waveofheatthatspreadsfrommycheekstomytoes.

AfterIcomeagain,it’snotlongbeforeDeancollapsesontopofme.Hekissesmylips

beforerollingontothemattressnexttome.Neitherofuscanspeak,stilloutofbreath.I
rest my head on his chest, and Dean hooks his arm around me. We do this normally,
exceptwesnugglewithourclotheson.

“Howareyoufeeling?”Hestrokesmyhairwithhisfingers.

“Different,”Ijoke.

“IhopeIdidn’thurtyou.”

“Igotusedtoyou,”Iconfess.

He sits up enough to cup my face in his big hand. “How about we take a shower

together?”

“Goodidea.”Ismile.“Wecanhavesexinthere,too.”

Helaughs.“You’readdictedalready,huh?”

Inod.“Uh-huh.”

Deanhelpsmeupfromthebed.Hegripsmywaist,hoistsmeoverhisshoulder,and

carriesmetothebathroom,smackingmeontheass.Isquealfromthetremorthatshoots
downmyleg.

Thenighthasonlybegun,andithasbeenperfect.Deanwasnotlyingwhenhesaidit

wouldbespecial.Wecrossedalinetonight.Somanyfeelingscloudmyjudgment,making
ithardformetodistinguishbetweenthem.

Our first kiss was only the beginning. Sex was the start of something else, though I

havenoideahowtonavigatethenewaspectofourrelationship.AndhowwillDeanfeel
about us in the morning? Does this make me a puck bunny? The thought causes me to
cringe.

Dean sets me down on the bathroom floor to turn on the shower. He checks the

temperaturewithhishand.

OnceDean’shandsslideontomyhipsandhistongueintomymouth,Iforgetaboutall

thequestionsrunningthroughmyhead.Theynolongeraresignificantenoughformeto
care.GettinglostinthismomentwithDeanisallthatmatters.

C H A P T E R 7

SeniorYear

ean

HAVE

thisgameinthebag.Whenmyteamsteppedontotheicetoday,therewasnever

adoubtinmymind.

Maintainingpossessionofthepuckforthelastfewsecondsofthegame,Imoveleft

andpastmyopponent,switchingtomyweakside.Myteammatesbangtheirsticksagainst
theplayersbench,thesoundsechoingfromadistance.AbeatpasseswhereIfreeze-frame
mysurroundings,takingamentalpicturesothatIcanrelivethisvictoryforever.

Ten,nine,eightseconds.

IdodgethemantomyrightandpassthepucktoTheototaketheshot.Hemakesitin

time,thegoalhornblaringasthegameends.Onceagain,theStricklandSenatorsarethe
NCAADivisionImen’sicehockeychampions.Allyear,myteampreparesfortheFrozen
Four, and for the last three years, we have earned the bragging rights that come with
sweepingeveryoneintheleague.

Iskateovertomyteammatestocelebrateanothertitle.Slappingthemontheback,I

pulleachplayerintoahugandtakeinthismoment.

WithlessthanonemonthbeforeIgraduatefromStricklandUniversity,thisismylast

year as team captain and one step closer to going pro. The NHL draft is a few months
away. A few scouts were in the stands for my performance today. After another killer
season,theyshouldmakesomeroomformeontheirrosters.

Itaketurnscongratulatingeachplayeronmyteam,savingTuckerandTheoforlast.

Wecouldn’thavewonseveralyearsinarowwithouttheirtalent.

Tuckerclampshishandonmyshoulder,whileTheogreetsmeontheothersidewitha

slaponmyhelmet.

“We did it, bro. Another championship.” Theo flashes a smile at me and wipes the

sweatdrippingoffhisforeheadwiththebackofhishand.

“That shot off the post will go down in the record books for one of the sickest in

NCAAhistory,”Tuckeradds.

Ishakemyhead,laughing.“Idoubtthat.WatchmedosomethinglikethatintheNHL

andthenmaybepeoplewilltalkaboutit.”

“Stop being so modest. You’re a shoe-in for the Draft,” Tucker says, releasing me

fromhisgrip.“Dadevenmentionedyoulastweek.”

His comment catches my attention. Now that their father, Nick Baldwin, is a

commentatorfortheNHLNetwork,hehasmoreofaninsidescoopthanwhenhewasa
player.Tucker’swordsbringagoofysmiletomylips.HopingyouhaveashotattheNHL
isonethingbuthavingNickconfirmthosebeliefsisanother.Andhearingnewslikethis
onadayliketodaymakesitevensweeter.

“Nice,”Isay,nonchalant,eventhoughIambeamingontheinside.

AftergrowingupthewayIdid,Ineedabreak.Andsodoesmymom.Shecoulduse

thesigningbonusrightaboutnow.ThetuitionatStricklandUniversityisonparwithmost
prestigious schools but slightly cheaper than Ivy League. Even with my hockey and
academicscholarships,itisnotcheaptostayinPhiladelphia.Soon,Ihopetohaveenough
money that my mom can stop working, and we never have to deal with another bill
collectoragain.

The other team gathers at center ice, forming a line to slap our hands and my guys

followsuit.Inodinthedirectionoftheplayers,andTuckerandTheoareatmysides,as
we skate over to congratulate our opponents on a game well played. While I knew we
wouldwin,therewereafewplaysmadebytheotherteamthathadmedoubtingathree-
peat.Butonlyforasplitsecond.

It’shardenoughtowinachampionshiponce,letalonethreeyearsinarow.Thelast

time this team strung that many victories together was when Nick Baldwin was the
captain.CoachBryantwasevenherebackthen.

AfterIsmackthelastplayer’shand,IskateovertothebenchwhereIfindKatwaiting

forme.Katpushesherblondehairbehindherearsandwalkstowardme,reachingupto
wrapherarmsaroundmyneck.

Shekissesmycheek.“Youdidit,Dean.Congratulations!Iamsoproudofyou.You

wereunbelievabletoday.”

IstriptheglovesfrommyhandanddropthemontotheicesothatIcanstrokeherjaw

withmythumb.“Thanks,Kitten.Icouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyoucheeringmeonin
thestands.”

Kat slides her hands down my arms, takes a step back from me, and pins me down

withherbrightblueeyesthatpopagainstherpaleskin.“Iwassendingyoupositivevibes
theentiregame.”

Asmiletugsatthecornersofmymouth.“Well,Ifeltthem.”

Kathasbeenmyrockforyears.Wheneverdoubtcreepsintomymind,Katkicksits

ass.IfIwanttorunthroughafewskatingdrillsbeforeabiggame,Katmeetsmeatthe
rink.Thesamegoesforme.IwoulddoanythingforKat.Sheismyonlyweakness.

ButIstillhaveaproblem.Myloveforherhasonlymultipliedovertheyears.Sheacts

asthoughcausalsexbetweenusonoccasionisnormalwhenIwantallofher.Iwanther
tobemygirl.Butwearepartingwayssoon.Withcollegealmostover,Katwillgobackto
Chicagotowork,andI’llmovetowhatevercityIplayhockey.

“Dadwantstotakeeveryoneoutfordinnertonight.Wannacomewithus?”

“Nah,Idon’twanttointerferewithfamilytime.Youbarelyseeyourdadasitiswith

howmuchhetravelsforwork.”

“No,youhavetocome.”Shepullsonmyarmandshakesme.“DukeandAustineven

drovedowntocelebrate.”

Duke and Austin are the eldest of the Baldwin brothers and both NHL players. And

intimidatingasfuck.BetweenDukeandAustin,Idon’tknowwho’sbiggerorfullofmore
rage.Ofthetwo,Austinismoredown-to-earthbutjustasoverprotectiveofKatasDuke.
Her brothers are the reason we are not together. Theo and Tucker would kill me if they
knewIhadsexwithKatonmorethanonoccasion.

Iremovemyhelmet,laughing.“Isthatsupposedtobethesellingpoint?Dukeisthe

leastfriendlypersonIhaveevermet.”

She nudges me in the arm with her elbow, a big fuck you grin on her face. “My

brotherscanbeabit—”

“Overbearing,”Ifinishforher.“Crazy.”

“No, silly.” She laughs. “They are not that bad. Duke and Austin would make most

menwanttorun,butyouarenotmostmen.Plus,Dadinsistedthatyoucomewithussince
yourmomcouldn’tmakeit.”

Asmuchasmymomwantedtowatchmeplayinperson,shecouldn’taffordthetrip.

Theflightalonewouldhavecostherclosetoonemonth’srentpayment,notincludingthe
hotelandotherexpenses.IworkedasmanyhoursasIcouldbetweenhockeyandschoolat
thepizzashoponcampus,butitwasn’tenoughmoney.

Isighatherwords.

“Hey,Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.”Kathooksherarmthroughmineandpullsmecloser.

“Ifanyoneshouldhavebeenhere,it’syourmom.Butlookatthebrightside.Youwillbe
abletoaffordtoflyhertoeverygameyoueverplayonceyougetintheNHL.”

Squeezingheratmyside,Idipdowntokissherontheforehead.“AtleastIhadoneof

mygoodluckcharmswithme.”

“Youcanbesuchamushballsometimes.”Shegivesmeacrookedgrinthatreachesup

tohereyes.

“Itcouldbeworse,”Icounter.

“Right,IcouldgetDirtyDean,andwebothknowIdon’tlikehimonebit.”

Isnort.“I’mnotdirty.Whoevercameupwiththatnameisadick,andIshouldwhoop

theirass.”

“I hate to break it to you, but you kinda earned that name, Dirty Dean.” She says it

againtotauntme.

“Justbethankfulyoudon’tgettoseehimthatoften.”

“Onlywhenyou’redrunk,thankgod.Icouldn’thandleitifyouwerelikethatallthe

time.You’resotouchy-feelywhenyouralteregocomesouttoplay.Andyouliketogeta
little too…naked.” She eyes me up and down as if she likes what she sees—because I
knowshedoes—butherfacegivesawaynothing.

Iholdmyhandovermyheart,makingasadface.“I’mhurt.”

Kat chuckles and tugs at my hand, dragging me to the rink exit. “You are not hurt.

Stop being a baby and take a shower. You smell horrible, and I’m leaving for the
restaurantinonehour.Dadwillnotwaitforyou,sogetmoving.”

“Youaresuchabossykitty,”Ijoke,usingmynicknameagainsther.

Shepurrsatme,aspertheusual,andwebothlaugh.

Atleastoneofmygirlswasheretowatchmewinanotherchampionship.Katwalks

with me to the locker room, where we part ways, promising to meet in the same spot. I
wishIcouldattenddinnerasherboyfriendandnotherbestfriend.

C H A P T E R 8

SeniorYear

FTER

MESSING

withmyhairforfartoolong,Igiveuponthecurlsthatrefusetostayin

place and rush downstairs to the lobby to meet Dean. He stayed with his team a few
blocksawayatanaffordablehotel.Iwasplanningtodothesame,butmydadhadinsisted
onbookingmeasuiteatthePeninsula,whichwascompleteoverkillfortheweekend.

Theelevatordoorsopenandwithinseconds,IstepouttofindDean,dressedinablack

oxfordandslacksthatblendperfectlywithhisdarkfeatures.Eveninthewinter,hisskin
stillhastheappearanceofaslighttanfromhisoliveskin.Waitingwithhispalmagainst
thewall,asifhe’sholdingthedamnthingup,DeanlookslikeaGreekgod,withhisshort,
wavyhairstyledandhismuscularbodytonedtoperfection.

Mybestfriendhasnoshortageofwomenthrowingthemselvesathim—andwithgood

reason. It’s hard not to be attracted to Dean. But I like having him as my friend. Our
situationisfartoocomplicated.Sometimes,IwonderifIruinedourfriendshipbyasking
himtotakemyvirginity.Regardless,Ihavenoregrets.Hehadmeathockey,andwehave
beeninseparableeversince.

“Youcleanupgood,”Deansaystomewithawinkandhisusualcockygrin.

He eyes up every curve of my body, from my legs to my face, making me feel

somewhatself-consciousinthistightreddressthatcomplimentsmyblondehairandlight
complexion.GoodthingIhaveawintercoatcoveringthemoreexposedpartsofmyflesh.

“Foronce,youlooklikeagirl.”

Ifhewasn’tmybestfriend,myfistwouldbeconnectingwithhisjawrightaboutnow.

Dean gets away with things no one else could manage. That was his way of
complimentingmewithoutmakingthingstooweirdbetweenus.

I laugh at his stupid comment and shake my head. “Thanks, jerkface. You’re not so

badyourself.”

Heholdsouthisarmforme,smilinglikeanidiotandcompletelyunfazedbymydigat

him.“Readyfordinner,Kitten?”

“Yeah,I’mstarving,andIcan’twaittoseemydadandbrothers.Ihaven’tseenthem

inoveramonth.”

“Atleastyouwillhaveallsummerwiththem.”

I smile at the thought of our yearly traditions at the Baldwin Estate, my childhood

homejustoutsideofChicagoandonlyaforty-minutedrivefromwherewearestanding.

“Dad wants you to come this summer. He asked me last night on the phone if you

wouldbejoiningus.”

“Iwouldn’tmissitfortheworld.WhereveryouareiswhereIwanttobe,butIcan’t

leavemymomallbyherself.Sheneedsmetohelpheroutwiththebills.”

Once I latch onto him, Dean pulls me at his side, keeping me close. My younger

brothersloveDeanbecauseofhowprotectiveheisoverme.TuckerandTheoarealsothe
reasonwenevertookourrelationshipfurther.

“Your mom is invited, too. The more, the merrier. We have plenty of room for you

both.”

“She would love that, but I doubt she will come with me considering her work

schedule.”

Withafirmgriponmyarm,Deanescortsmeoutside,thechillfromtheairleeching

into my skin. Dean runs his hand down my back and arms to keep me warm, while his
teethchatter.

“Whydon’tyouhaveacoat?”

Heshrugs,ashehailsusacab.“Idunno.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasgettingherein

timetopickyouupfordinner.AcoatwasthelastthingIcaredabout.”

Ishakemyheadathim,eventhoughhisgesturewarmsmyheart.Deanalwaysputs

me first. “It’s too cold to forget about something as simple as a jacket. You could get
sick.”

“Iplayhockey,Kitten.Noweatheristoocoldforme.”

“Iplay,too,butthatdoesn’tmeanIneedtofreezemyassoffoutsidetherink.”

“Youshouldbeusedtoit,especiallyaftergrowingupinacoldclimateandtraveling

fromrinktorinkmostofyourlife.”

Acabpullsuptothecurb,andDeanreleaseshisgriponmetoopenthedoorandhelp

meinside.OnceI’msnuggledagainsthissideandonourwaytothesteakhouse,hetakes
myhandsinhisandrubsthemtogether.Then,hebringsthemuptohismouthtobreathe
onmyskin,warmingthemwithhistouch.

“How about now? All better?” He stares at me with those denim irises that pierce

throughmysoul.

For a second, my breath catches, and I have no idea what to say because words fail

me.Dean’sgestureissointimateandloving.Intimeslikethese,Iwishwecouldbecome
morethanfriends.

“Uh-uh,”Imutter.Theheatfromhismouthignitesafirebeneathmyskin.Iturnmy

headtolookoutthewindow,desperateforabreakfromtheemotionsDeanstirredinside
mychest.

I hate when I have flashes of attraction to Dean. He makes it hard not to feel

something for him, even if it’s only sexual tension. Most girls ask me how I can stay
friendswithDeanwithoutthrowingmyselfathimeveryday.It’snoteasy.

We don’t speak on the ride over to the restaurant, which suits me fine. A friendship

likeoursdoesnotrequirewords.

Deanholdsmyhandonhisthighuntilthevaletattendantsopenourdoors.Igivethe

drivermoneybeforeDeancanopenhiswallet,whichIhavenodoubtwillpisshimoff.
HehateswhenIpayforanything,despiteknowinghowmuchmoneyIhaveinmytrust
fund.

I slide out of the car and Dean hooks his arm through mine, as he drags me to the

sidewalk.

“Youshouldhaveletmepay,”hegrowls.

“Hedroveusdownthestreet.Itwasonlytendollars.Iwon’tmissit.”

Hefrowns.“That’snotthepoint,Kat.”

Itugonhisarmtopullhimtowardthefrontdoor,andhecomplies.“Stopmakinga

bigdealoutofthemoney.Inafewmonths,you’llhaveyoursigningbonusandenough
moneythatyouwon’thavetothinkaboutiteveragain.”

“Itwon’tbethatmuchmoney,”hesays,hisbreathcreatingawhitecloudinfrontof

us.“Iplayhockey,notfootballorbasketball.”

“Itwillbeenoughforyourmomtostopworkingatthedinerandforyoutobuyacar

andmoveintoanapartment.”

“Hey,maybeIliketakingpublictransportation.Didyoueverthinkofthat?”

“Noonelikesridingthebuswiththedudethatjerksoffinthebacklateatnight.So,

don’t even try to convince me that you enjoy the drive back home when you have that
weirdohoggingupspace.”

“Jerkoff Jerry is a staple on the sixty-seven bus.” He has trouble saying the words

withoutlaughing.

Ichuckle.“Youaresoridiculous.”

“You’dbeboredwithoutme.”Helowershisdeepvoicetoamoresensualtone.

Wewalkintotherestaurant,decoratedwithwoodaccents,andthesmellofsteakfills

mynostrils,causingmystomachtogrowl.

“Hi,” I say to the hostess standing behind a big oak desk. “We’re looking for the

Baldwinparty.”

“Party?”Deancocksaneyebrowatme.

“Dadrentedusaroomfordinner,”Itellhim,notwantingtomakeabigdealoutofit.

I grew up with more money than I ever knew what to do with, while Dean and his

motherhavestruggledtheirentirelives.Ioftenfeelguiltyforhavingsomuchwhenthey
have so little. That’s why I wanted to do something special for them both, though Dean
hasnoideawhatIhaveplannedforhim.

Abeautifulbrunette,dressedinafloor-lengthflowerydress,givesDeanaonceover

before she makes a gesture that looks like an invitation for sex. He ignores her, as he
normally does when we are together. Dean has always acted as though no one is in the
roomwithus.

The hostess leads us upstairs to the private room, where I find three of my four

brothers. Tucker and Theo are chatting amongst themselves in the corner of the room,
hoveredoveroneoftheircellphonesandlaughing.Thetwinsgetlostintheirworldmost
of the time, completely shutting us out. They have what I consider their twin language
becausetheirinsidejokestendtomeannothingtoanyofus.

Duke, my eldest brother, has his shoe propped up on his knee, drinking a glass of

whiskey. He and dad share the same love for the liquor, while I can’t even stomach the
scent.

“We’rehere,”Iannounce,aswestepintotheroom.

“About damn time,” Duke says with his usual scowl. He gets up from his chair and

setstheglassinhishandonthetable.Palmingmyheadwithhisbighand,Dukebreaks
thegripIhaveonDean,ashepullsmeintoabearhugthatcrushesmyinsides.

“Denny,”Isay,kissinghimonthecheek.

He wipes my lipstick from his face, acting as if he’s disgusted by my nickname.

“You’reluckyIlikeyou,Kit-Kat.”

Since we were kids, our dad has called Dennis Duke, after his favorite movie actor,

JohnWayne.MydadandDukewouldwatcholdWesternstogether,withDukepretending
he was in the movies by re-enacting the scenes with my dad. He knew every movie by
heart,andtothisday,hecanstillquoteTrueGrit verbatim. It’s something Dad and him
didtogether,andevenmoresoafterourmother’spassing.

We all have special traditions with Dad. He was around so little, because of all the

travelinghedidforhockey,thatmyfatherhadmadeitapointtohavesomethingforeach
ofustolookforwardtowhenhewouldcomehome.

For Duke, that was old movies. With Austin, the second eldest, they collected bottle

caps and kept a collection in the basement. The twins liked comic books, so that was
alwaystheirthingtodowithourfather.

Beingthemiddlechildandtheonlygirl,mydadalwaystreatedmedifferently.Wehad

ourtraditions,too,thoughtheyweren’tverygirly.Iwantedtolearnhowtoplayhockey.
That was a given with my brothers, but the thought had never even occurred to my dad
untilIaskedhimtoteachmehowtoshootapuck.

Hehadnoideahowtoraiseaneight-year-oldgirl,sothatsuitedhimjustfine.Hockey

heknewlikethebackofhishand,butmenstrualcyclesandmakeupwerelikesomething
outoftheTwilightZoneforhim.Hedidn’tevenknowhowtobraidmyhair.

Dukewastheonewhofiguredouthowtomakemelookpresentableforschooland

canmostlikelystilltieahalfdecentbraid,thoughhewouldneveradmitthattoanyone—
noteventome.Austinsatwithmeeverynighttogoovermyhomeworkandwouldquiz
meformytestssincehewasalwaysthesmartone.BetweenDukeandAustin,andhelp
fromthestaffattheBaldwinEstate,myolderbrothersraisedthetwinsandmewhileDad
wasontheroadwithhisteam.

“LookwhoKit-Katbroughtwithher,”DukesaysovermyshouldertoDean,causing

metocringe.“Areyoustillhittingonmysister?”

“Stopthat.”IsmackDukeonhisthick,musculararmandpeelmyselffromhisgrasp,

beforenudginghiminthearmwithmyelbow.“DeanandIarefriends.”

Duke shakes his head and moves his hands to his waist, pushing out his thick chest.

“No,youtwoaremorethanfriends.”

Irollmyeyesathim,annoyed.WehavegoneovermyfriendshipwithDeanamillion

times.“Asusual,youarewrong,BigBro.”

Hesmirks.“Mendon’thavewomenfriends.”

“Thismandoes,”Deanadds,interruptingthisstupidconversation.

“Right.”Dukenarrowshiseyesatme.

“Because we would kick his ass,” Theo and Tucker chime in at the same time, their

voicesblendingasone.

Deansmirksatthem.“Youwishyoucouldkickmyass.”

Iwanttothanktheboysforcrawlingoutoftheirtwinheadspacetoputanendtothis

discussion. At times, Tucker and Theo can be more inappropriate than not. Luckily, this
wasnotoneofthosetimes.Dukeshouldlearnfromthemandstopwiththeusualgrand
inquisition.IhatewhenhedoesthisinfrontofDean.

The relationship Dean has with my younger brothers was always enough to keep us

fromdoinganythingthatcouldjeopardizeourfriendship.Hockeycomesfirstforbothof
us.Sodoesfamily.

“Myboys.”DadstrollsintotheroomwithhisarmsoutathissidestohugTheoand

Tucker.

Asalways,helookslikeamillionbucksinanavypinstripesuitandbrownwingtips.

He cleans up well when he’s working. Otherwise, Dad sports the same T-shirt and track
pantsmybrothersandDeanusuallywears.

TuckerandTheogoovertoDad,andhewrapshisarmsaroundthem.“I’msoproud

ofyoutwo.Keepitup,andyou’llbejoiningyourbrothersintheleaguesoonenough.”

ThetwinsareayearyoungerandintheirjunioryearatStricklandUniversity.Ialways

remindthemofthatfact.Duke’sinhisfifthyearintheNHLandAustinisinhisthird.

“Wholettheriffraffin,”Dukesaystomydadwithararesmilehereservesforwhen

he’swithfamily.Mybrotherhasangerissues.Eversinceourmompassedaway,hehasn’t
beenthesame.Noneofushavebeenthesame,butwithDukebeingtheoldestandclosest

toourmom,hetookherdeathworstofall.

Duke lifts two glasses from the table and hands one to dad. I roll my eyes at the

thoughtofwhatIknowiscomingbeforeitevenhappens.

“Ihopeyoudon’tthinkI’mgoingtokeepyouinwhiskey,”DadsaystoDuke,taking

theglassfromhishand.

“Idon’tbuythat,Iconfiscateit,”Dukesays,quotingJohnWayne,withtheaccentand

all.“Andatouchofitwouldn’tdoyouanyharmagainstthenightair!”

Theyclangtheirglassestogetherandtiptheirheadsbackinlaughter.

When Duke is around us, especially Dad, it’s one of the few times Duke looks truly

happy. Otherwise, I imagine he stews inside his penthouse apartment he shares with his
teammatesinWashingtonD.C.HeplaysfortheCapitals,oneofmyleastfavoriteteams.
Buttheyhavegrownonmemorenowthatmybrotheristheirenforcerandoneofthebest
intheleague.

After my dad finishes up with Duke, he locks eyes with me, saving me for last. He

hugsmesotightthatheliftsmyfeetofftheground.“Kat,”hewhispers.“Imissedyou,
babygirl.”

“Imissedyou,too,Dad.”Iwigglefreefromhisstronggrip.“ButIthinkyou’regoing

tosmushmeifyoudon’tletgo.”

Hereleasesmeandplaceshishandsonmyshoulders,holdingmeatarm’slengthto

studymyface.“Youlooksomuchlikeyourmother,evenmoresothanthelasttimeIsaw
you.”

My brothers have my father’s dark hair and hazel eyes that have flecks of gold in

them. But I am the complete opposite of them with my blonde hair and blue eyes, the
spittingimageofmymother.SheusedtocallmehertwinwhenIwasachild.

Ismileathiscomment.“Where’sAustin?”

“He’sonhisway.”DadwinksatmebecauseIknowwhyAustinislate,thoughIwas

hopinghewouldbeheresooner.Infact,Ithoughthewouldmakeitintimetocatch,at
veryleast,theendofthegame.Thatwaspartoftheplanthatapparentlywenttoshit.

“Greatgame,son,”DadsaystoDean.HepullsDeanintoahug,whichIknowhasto

bethehighlightofhislife.HelovesmydadalmostasmuchasIdo.

Deansmiles.“Thanks,Nick.”

“Youkeepthatup,you’llbemakingthebigbuckssoonenough.”

“Ihopeso.”Deangetssostarstruckaroundmydadthatit’scute.

MydadslapshishandonDean’sshoulder.“Youhungry?”

“Starving,”Deansays.

“Good.” Dad smiles, his eyes traveling from Dean to me and then to my brothers.

“Let’seat.”

Wetakeourseatsatthetable,withDadsittingattheheadandDukenexttohim.Iskip

overtheseatonmydad’sotherside,leavingitopenforAustin.Despitehavingalackof
consistencygrowingup,wehavealwayshadastructuretoourfamily.

“Thatwasonehellofagameyouboysplayedtoday,”Dadsays,staringatDeanand

mybrothers.“I’mgladwecanallgettogethertocelebratewithoutanyofourschedules
gettingintheway.”

Dean has a childish look on his face when he’s around my dad. He was one of the

players Dean had looked up to when he was younger and his reason for wanting to
becomeahockeyplayer.

Mydadwasoneofthebestpuckhandlersandfacilitatorsbackinhisprime,earning

himawell-deservedplaceintheHockeyHallofFameandfourStanleyCupvictories.

WhilethemenexchangepleasantriesandtalkabouttheStricklandSenatorsvictoryin

the Frozen Four, our waitress comes into the room to take our orders. I remove my cell
phone from my purse, about to send Austin a text message, when I hear his voice cut
throughtheconversation.

“LookwhoIfoundonmywayhome,”Austinsayswithabigsmilethatreachesupto

hiseyes.

EmmaCrawfordsmilesinmydirection,wearingalongdressthatfitsherpetiteframe

andawarmsmile.Mysurpriseisfinallyhere.Toobadshewasn’tabletomakethegame.

Drawntothesoundofhersingsongvoice,Deanlooksoverhisshoulderindisbeliefat

hismother.“Mom,”hewhispers,ashegetsupfromthetable.

Hepracticallyrunsovertoherandwrapshisarmaroundher,buryinghisfaceinher

neck.

“Hey, baby,” she says, running her hand along his back. “I’m sorry I missed the

game.”

“But…”Hestrugglestofindtherightwords,andthenhisgazetravelsfromhismother

tome.“Wecan’taffordthis.”Deanlowershisvoice,thoughit’snothardtohearhimwith
thesilenceintheroom.

“I didn’t pay for a thing, sweetie.” She reaches up to touch his cheek and smiles, a

gesturehereturnsimmediately.

Deanturnshisheadtome.“Youdidn’t?”

I nod and push my chair out from the table. “I wanted your mom to be here for the

gamesinceitwasyourlastone.”

“HaveIevertoldyouhowmuchIloveyou,Kitten?”

Ilaughathiswords.“Allthetime.”

“See, I told you. More than friends,” Duke says, and the entire room erupts into

laughter.

C H A P T E R 9

SeniorYear

ean

“I

STILL

CAN

’

BELIEVE

youarehere,”Isaytomymomonthecabridebacktothehotel,

inshockthatKatdidthisforus.“Whataboutthediner?”

“Suzieiscoveringmyshiftsthisweekend.Don’tworry,baby.Wewillbeokaywithout

it.”

“ButwhataboutGary?Hegetsmadwhenyoutaketimeoff.Ihavesomemoneyback

atthehouseIcansendyou.IjustgotpaidbeforeweleftforChicago.”

Sherunsherhandalongmyarmtosilenceme.“Stopworrying,Dean.Everythingwill

beokay.Let’sjustenjoythetimewehavetogether.”

“Whatdoyouwanttodo?Isthereanythingspecialyouwanttosee?”Ilookoverat

Kat.“Whereshouldwetakemymom?”

“MillenniumParkisopenforafewmorehours,”Katadds.“Wecangothereifyou

want.Doyouknowhowtoiceskate,Emma?”

“Who do you think taught Dean?” She smiles at Kat, before her gaze shifts to me.

“Youusedtoputyourhandinmypockettoholdontome,andnowlookatyou.Myboyis
abouttobecomeahockeystar.”

“Fingers crossed.” I don’t want to get her hopes up. The NHL Draft is still a few

monthsaway.Alotcanhappeninthattime.

“It’sgoingtohappen.Icanfeelit.Mother’sintuition.”

Afterworkingherentirelifetosupportmydreams,Ihavetolandaspotonaproteam

formymom.Sheneedsthisbreak,bothforherphysicalandmentalwellbeing.Working
asmuchasshedoesisnothealthy,andIworryabouthernon-stopwithmebeingsofar
awayatcollege.MymotheristhestrongestpersonIknowandthereasonInevergaveup,
evenwhentimeswererough,andIwasplayinglikeshit.

“I’mkindoftiredfromthelongtripandfromsittingintheairportforthatlayover.I

coulduseahotbathandacupoftea.”

“Whateveryouwanttodo,Mom.”

“You’restayingonefloorbelowme,”Katsays.“Thesuitehasahottubthatyouwill

love. We can stop by the front desk and have room service bring you some tea.
Chamomileokay?”

“Thatwouldbeperfect,”mymomsays,touchingKatonthearm.

After we get to the hotel and Kat orders room service at the front desk, we take the

elevator upstairs. The Peninsula is officially the nicest placed I have ever stepped foot
inside,andtheroommymotherhasforthenightlookslikeafuckingpalace.

“I’ve never stayed in a five-star hotel before,” Mom says to Kat, staring around the

roominawe.EvenIamamazedbytheposhaccommodations.“Thankyou.Ihavenoidea
howIwilleverrepayyouforthisthoughtfulandgenerousgift.”

“Itwasnotroubleatall,Emma.You’rewelcome.”Kathooksherarmaroundmymom

andpullsherintoherside,smilingoveratme.

ImouththankyoutoKatbecauseIhavenoideawhatelsetosay.Therearenowords

toconveyhowIfeelaboutherrightnow.

“Whatalongday.Iamexhausted.”Momsitsonthelavishcouchandrunsherhand

alongthesilkyfabric,leaningherheadbackonthecushions.She’ssotinythatthecouch
practicallyenvelopsherwhenshesinksfurtherintothelayerofdecorativepillows.

Katcomesupbehindmymomandcupshershoulderswithherhands.“I’lldrawyoua

bath,Emma.Roomserviceshouldbehereanyminute.”Shepointsatthecoffeetablein
frontofmymom.“Youshouldhavejustabouteverychannelyoucanthinkofifyouwant
to watch TV. Order whatever you want. There are a few movies OnDemand you might
like.”

MymomreachesbehindhertotouchKat’shandandflashesaclosed-mouthsmileup

ather.“Thankyou,sweetie.Youaretoogoodtome.”

Kattouchesherontheshoulderinacknowledgmentandtakesafewstepsbacktowalk

away from us. I follow behind Kat as she heads into the bathroom fit for a king. Once
inside,shehasherbacktome,leaningoverthemarbletubtofeelthewaterwithherhand,
adjustingtheknobstogettherighttemperature.

“Youareofficiallythebestfriendamancouldeverhave,”Iconfess,soovercomewith

emotion.

“I’mgladyouthinkso.Seeingthelookonyourmom’sfaceandyourswasworthit.”

Katsitsontheledgeandpatsit,motioningmetositnexttoher.

A beat passes between us, where the only sounds in the room are from the running

waterbehindus.IstareintoKat’seyesandreachuptocupherfaceinmyhand.Shesucks
inadeepbreathandcloseshereyeswhenIstrokeherjawwithmythumb.

Forasplitsecond,Ithinkaboutleaningintokissher,becausethemomentfeelsright.

But I push back the feelings stirring inside me because they are nothing more than
emotionsbroughttothesurfacefromtheselflessgiftshehasgiventomymotherandme.
Alllies.IloveKat,plainandsimple.Sheshouldbemine.

“Dean,”shesays,finallyopeninghereyes.“IsweartoGodifyoukissmeIwillpunch

youandmessupyourprettyface.”

Ilaugh.“I’mnotpretty.”

“Youlooklikeagoddamnmodel,andyouknowit.”

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes at her. “I’m not pretty. That’s what you say about a

woman.”

Shetoucheshershouldertomine.“Fine,you’rehot.Isthatbetter?”

“Youshouldn’tsaythingslikethataftertellingmenottokissyou.”

Iglancebehindhertoseethewatergettingtoohighandgetupfromtheledge.AsI

leanoverhertoshutoffthewater,myhandgrazesherbreast.

“Dean,”shehisses.

“Itwasanaccident,”Ispitback.“IfIwantedtocopafeel,Iwouldjustdoit.”

Shelaughsbecausesheknowsthatisthetruth.Sometimes,Ican’thelpmyself.While

sex with Kat is rare, there are times when I need to be with her. I know the feeling is
mutual,evenifshetriestohideitfromme.Katworriestoomuchaboutherbrothersand
whattheywillthinkofus.

Iwishwecouldcomecleantothemandputitoutintheopen.What’sthepoint?Inon

month,wewon’tevenliveinthesamecity.

Steamfillsthebathroom,heatingtheopenspace.“Weshouldletmymomhavesome

alonetime.”

Katnods,buthersmileturnstoafrownthatsurprisesme.

Itipherchinupwithmyfingersothatoureyesmeet.“Hey,what’swrong?”

“Idon’tfeelsohot.”Shelooksawayfrommeandcovershermouthwithherhand.

Igetdownononekneeinfrontofherandplacemyhandonherthigh.“WhatcanI

do?”

“YoucanholdmyhairwhileIpuke.”

IliftKatupfromthetub,helpherovertothetoilet,andflipupthelid.

She sinks to the floor, holding onto my leg. “I shouldn’t have mixed apple martinis

withthatJapanesebeerAustinwasdrinking.Ugh,whydidyouletmedothat?”

“Itriedtostopyou.Andyouonlyhadonebeerandtwomartinis.”

She grunts as she positions herself over the bowl. “It was a bad combination. You

don’twanttowatchthis,Dean.Maybeturnyourheadorsomething.”

Igripherlong,blondehairandholditasshehurlsthecontentsofherstomach.After

Katfinishes,Ihandheratissuetowipehermouthandsitonthefloornexttoher.

“Ihatethatyouhavetoseemelikethis,”shewhispers.

“Youhaveseenmeatsomeofmyworstmoments.Thisisnothing.”

She closes the lid and pushes herself up from the floor to sit on top of it. “I need to

brushmyteeth.YoumightdieifIbreatheonyou.”

Webothlaughathertheatrics.

“HowaboutItakeyoubacktoyourroomsothatyoucanbrushyourteeth?”

“Thatsoundslikeagoodplan.Weneedtogetyourmomsituatedfirst.”

“Idon’tdeserveyou,”Iconfessandmeanit.Awomanwhocaresasmuchaboutmy

motherasshedoesmeisakeeper.IholdoutmyhandforKattotakeandhelpherupfrom
thetoilet.

“Yes, you do. You deserve so much more.” She leans her head on my chest, as we

walkoutofthebathroom.

FTER

FIX

my mom a cup of tea and say goodnight, promising to come back in the

morning,IridetheelevatoruponemorefloortoKat’sroom.Thesuiteislargerthanmy
mom’s,withevenmorewindowsthatoverlookthecityandalargerdiningarea.Iescort
Katintothebedroomandturnmybacktoherasshegetschanged.Evenafterallthetimes
Ihaveseenhernaked,Istillliketogivehersomeprivacy.

“Okay,youcanlook.I’mdecent,”Katannounces,soundingmuchbetterthanshedid

downstairs.

“Bedtime.”IpullbackthecoversforKattogetintobed,andshecomplieswithmy

order.

Shethrowsherhandsaboveherheadandyawns,beforepattingtheopenspacenextto

heronthemattress.“Getin.Ineedyoutosnugglewithme.”

Every time Kat gets sick, she has me do this with her. She has routines with her

brothersanddad.Iaminchargeofcontinuingthetradition.Beforeshedied,Kat’smom
would hold her in her arms, curled up in bed, and sing her to sleep. I cannot sing, so I
don’t. Austin and Duke had continued in their mother’s place, and as her best friend, it
wasajobI’dinherited.

Istripdowntomyboxersandsinkontothemattress.Katrollsontohersideandpulls

myhandoverherstomach,keepingourfingersinterlocked.

Thesecondmyheadhitsthepillow,Iclosemyeyesandtakeinthevanillascentofher

skin.Shesmellsgoodenoughtoeat.MyreactiontobeingthisclosetoKataftersuchan
eventful night has me regretting the decision to undress. We almost never have this
problem, though, on occasion, I have gotten hard around Kat when the feeling wasn’t
mutual.

She has never made being her friend easy. Any man on campus would jump at the

chancetohaveagirlwithherbeauty,brains,andtalent.Butmostguysarepussiesandtoo
afraidofagirlwhocanplayhockeyandkicktheirassintheprocess.

“Dean,”Shewhispers.

“Yes,Kitten.”

“Pleasetellmethat’saTVremoteorsomethingotherthanyoudiggingintomyass.”

“It’saTVremote,”Iliebutthelaughterinmyvoicegivesmeaway.

“No,it’snot,youidiot.Iknoweverypartofyou.”

“Ican’thelpit,okay?Bedtimeissortof…Justcloseyoureyesandgotosleep.”

Shelaughs.“Ifyouneedtotakecareofthat,Idon’tmind.Gotakeashower.”

“Thisiswhyyouaremybestfriend,”Isaylaughingagainstherneck.“I’llstayuntil

youfallasleepandthengobacktomyhotel.”

“No,yourmomishereandsoamI.Spendthenightwithme.”

Shehasagoodpoint.There’snosenseingoingtomyshittyhotel,onlytocomeback

inthemorningtotakemymomtotheairport.

“Asyouwish,”Iwhisper.

It’snotlongbeforemybodyreturnstonormal,andIfallasleep,withKatsnoringin

myarmsandmewishingweweremorethanfriends.

C H A P T E R 1 0

SeniorYear

USIC

THUMPS

THROUGH

THE

HOUSE

,vibratingbeneathmyfeet.Theairstinksofsexand

sweat,anauseatingmixturethatcausesmystomachtoturnasifthishousedoesn’tsmell
bad enough on a normal day. Every year, the Strickland Senators throw a party at the
house my brothers and Dean share with their teammates. They get everyone together to
celebrate the end of their season, sparing no expense for the event. After another
championship,thevibeiselectric,makingthenormaloff-campuspartyevenmoreintense.

Deanandthetwinshaveamassedacrowdaroundthem,amixtureoftheirteammates

andgirlswhowantthechancetohookupwiththem.Iguessthatmakesmethegatekeeper
onceagain.Iamalwaystheshrewwhohastobeattheskanksawayfrommymen.Most
ofthetime,Idoitknowingtheywantmyhelp.ButTuckerlooksinterestedinthebrunette
danglingonhisarm,thoughI’mnotsurewhethershehasdecidedifshewantsTuckeror
Theo.

Theyplaythesedirtytwingames,asIcallthem,whenitcomestogirlsandschool.It’s

hard to tell the twins apart if you don’t know the differences in their personalities, and
theytakefulladvantageofthesituation.Iyellatthemallthetimefordupingpeopleinto
believingthattheyareeachother.Idiots.

Surrounded by a flock of eyelash batting hockey hookers, I spot Dean pounding

anotherbeer.He’sbeengoingfulltiltsincethisafternoontomakeupforallthepartieshe
missed during hockey season. Dean is just as strict with his workouts and diet as my
family and me. We give ourselves a short amount of downtime after each season ends,
whichdoesn’tlastlongbeforewegetbacktowork.

Butmycareerasahockeyplayerisover.Myteamdidn’tmakeittothechampionship

round of the women’s Frozen Four this year, ending my final season on a less exciting
note as the men’s hockey team. Unlike Dean and my brothers, I have to enter the real
worldaftergraduation.

Deanlooksupfromthecrowdaroundhim,andoureyesmeet.Hesmilesandwaves

meover,movingthepeoplearoundhimtotheside.Thegirlshepushedawayglanceover

theirshouldersatmeandgivemetheusualevileyeIgetanytimeIamwithDean.Having
fourbrothershasgivenmeathickerskinwhenitcomestodealingwithcattygirls,soI
paynomindtothem,asIelbowmywaythroughthethrongtogettoDean.

“Kitten.”Deanslurshiswordsashetakesastrandofmyhairandtucksitbehindmy

ear.

“Youaresohammered,”Itellhim.

“It’saparty.”Hetouchesthebottomofthecupinmyhandandliftsittomymouth.

“Drinkup.”

Itiltmyheadbackandfinishtherestofthebeerintheplasticcup,andthengrabDean

bythehand.“Ineedarefill.Youarecomingwithme.”

As I steer Dean toward the kitchen, I laugh to myself as the girls mutter rude

commentsundertheirbreathtome.“Youweredonewiththem,right?”

“Who?”Deannarrowshiseyesatme.

“Thosegirls.”

“I wasn’t even paying attention to them. The only girl I see in this house is you,

Kitten.”

Iflashaclosedmouthsmileathim.“Realsmooth.”

Heslideshisarmacrossthebackofmyneck,weighingmedown.“Idon’thavetobe

smooth.Ihaveabigdickandcanshootapuck.”

His stupid comment makes me laugh. “I don’t want to think about your dick. Stop

talkinglikeDirtyDean.Ihatewhenyougetlikethis.”

“It’snotlikeyouhaven’tseenit.”Hewiggleshiseyebrowsatme.“Icanshowitto

youagainifyouneedarefresher.”

Irollmyeyesathim.“Keepitinyourpants.Wedon’t’needanotherincidentlikelast

night.”

Hegrabsmebytheshoulderbeforewereachthekitchenandpullsmetotheside.“I

didn’tmeananythingbythat,Kat.It’snotlikewatchingyoupukewasaturnonbyany
means.Sometimes,mydickhasamindofitsown.Wewereinbed,youwerepractically
nakedunderthatshirt,andwell,I’maguy.”

“Doyoueverthinkofmeasmorethanafriend?”IblurtoutthewordsbeforeIcan

stop myself. Duke got into my head last night with his usual interrogation of our
relationship.

“Yes.Allthetime.”Heturnshisheadawayfrommetoglancedownthelonghallway

toourright,beforelookingatmeagain.Deantakesmyfaceinhishandsandmoveshis
headcloseenoughthatIcanfeelhisbreathonmylips.“Youmeaneverythingtome.”

Myentirebodycomesalivefromhistouch,sendingchillsdownmyspinethatcauses

mytoescurl.Ishouldn’tfeelthesethingsforDean,butthecloserwegettograduation,the
moreIfindmyselfclingingtohimfordearlife.Idon’twantthistoend.Idon’twantto
losemybestfriendbecauselifegotintheway.

Ishovemyhandthroughhisdark,wavyhairandholdhiminplace.“Ican’tgetwhat

Dukesaidlastnightoutofmyhead.”

Hestrokesmyjawwithhisthumb,hisblueeyesburningaholethroughme.“IfIwere

tokissyourightnow,wouldyouletme?”

“Doyouthinkthat’sagoodidea?”

“I’m kinda drunk, Kitten. My ability to think this through is fading by the minute.

Whatdoyouwant?”

I want you, my heart screams, but my mind is a traitor. “I don’t know what I want

anymore.I’mafraidthingswillbedifferentbetweenusafterwegraduate.”

“Samehere.”Hereleasesmyfaceandtakesastepbackfromme.“Let’sgetanother

beer.”

“Icoulduseadrink,”Imutter.

He slips his fingers through mine and drags me into the kitchen. We run into my

brothersandtheirgirlsofthehour,whoarethrowingbackshotsofvodka.Thebrunette
makesaquickhandgesturetowardtheboybehindthebar.Hereturnswithfourshotsand
setsthemonthecounterinfrontofthem.Thegirlsscreamoverthemusictoeachother,
andIwatchasthetwinsgiveeachotherstrangelooks,asiftheywanttoeitherditchtheir
datesordooneoftheirswaps.

“Watch this.” Dean points at the twins who are trading places without the girls

knowingit.

“Thisalwaysamazesme.HowdogirlsnotrealizethatTuckerhasonaredpoloshirt

andTheodarkblue?”

“Theydon’tcare,”Deansaysintomyear.“Girlslikethatcometopartiestogetdrunk

andfuckoneofmyteammates.Thewhoandwhereisirrelevant.”

“Becauseyouspeakfromexperience.”Mystomachturnsatthethought.

“Ihavehigherstandardsthanyourbrothers,”hecounters.

We laugh as the blonde bobs her head, her hair billowing around her face, as she

grinds on Theo to the beat of the song. She glances at her friend and shrugs as if she
realizedwhattheboysdidanddoesn’tmind.

“I’mreadyforthatdrinknow,”ItellDean.

Heraiseshishandtothebartenderandholdstwofingersintheair.Afewsecondslater

heslidestwoSolocupsdownthebarinourdirection.

“I’llraceya.”Deanshandsmethebeerwithawink.

“IfIdidn’tknowanybetter,Iwouldthinkyouweretryingtogetmedrunk.”

“Youcoulduseagoodbuzz.”Hetakesasipfromhiscup,leavingalayeroffoamon

histoplip.

Mymotherlyinstinctkicksin,andIwipeitawaywithmyfinger.Deangrabsmyhand

andsucksthefoamfrommyfingerwithasensuallookinhiseyes.

“Isthiswhatyouhadinmind?”

He’sdoingthisonpurpose,allpartofhismentalmindfucktomakemerealizethatwe

aregoodtogether,eventhoughwehavenofuture.Wearebetteroffasfriends.Butdamn
mybodyforrespondingtohimthisway.

Onceheremovesmyfingerfromhismouthandreleaseshisgriponme,Iturnaway

from him and chug my beer. I slurp down a shot of vodka the bartender left in front of
TuckerandpoundTheo’safterthat.

“Hey,Kit-Kat,”Theosays.“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”

“Ihavebigsisterprivileges.ThatmeansIgettostealyourdrinks.”

Theoshakeshisheadatme.Tuckersmilesandordersaroundofshotsforeveryone.

Overthenexttenminutes,weconsumearemarkableamountofalcohol.Theburningin
mythroatmatchestherisingtemperatureinmystomach.

“Toanotherchampionship.”Deanraiseshisshotglasstomybrothers,beforebumping

hisglassintomine.

Past drunk two beers ago, I pull Dean into the living room to dance. With my head

foggy and my judgment clouded, I stop thinking about everything—including my
unwantedfeelingsforDean.

Ithrowmyarmsintheair,swayingmyhipsbackandforthtothemusic.Deandigshis

fingersintomyhips.Wasted,Ileanmyheadonhisshouldertocatchmybreath.Westay
thatwayforthenextthreesongs,myminddriftingoutofconsciousness,untilhishands
slideundermyshirtandovermystomach.IlikethefeelingofDeanonmyskin.AndI
hatethatIwantmorefromhimtonight.

Rubbingmybacksideagainsthisthigh,Idon’tmissthereactionIprovokefromDean.

Ashishandtravelslower,Deanrestsitjustbelowthewaistbandofmyjeans,makingme
wetinanticipation.Crammedbetweenatleastahundredpeople,noonecanseeasIpush
hishandfurther,tellinghimtokeepgoing.Buthowmuchcouldwedowithanaudience?

“Areyousurethisiswhatyouwant,Kitten?”Deanwhispersinmyear,takingitinhis

mouthintheprocess.

I’mdrunkandhorny,amixturethatdoesn’tworkwellwithDean.He’slikeawalking

orgasm. One look at him is enough to add to my lady spank bank for a year. I have to
know if something more exists between us. With only one month until graduation, the
timeIhavewithDeancoulddisappearinaninstant.He’llbewhiskedawaytowhatever
cityaddshimtotheirroster,andIwillfollowinmyfather’sfootstepsandpursueacareer
insportsbroadcasting.

“Iwantyou,Dean.”Ipurrthewords.

Hehookshisarmaroundmybackandleadsmethroughthecrowdedlivingroom.We

ascend two flights of stairs, passing some of his teammates as we sneak off to his
bedroom.Attheendofthelonghallway,westopinfrontofhisdoor,andDeaninsertsa
key.Onceinside,helocksthedooranddropsthekeyonthedresser.

Hecupsthesideofmyfaceinmyhandsandrunshiscallousedthumbalongmyjaw

withtheother.“Iliedearlier,”hesaysinahushedtone.

“Whatdidyoulieabout?”

“Aboutwhathappenedlastnight.Whatyoudidformymomandmemeansmoreto

me than you will ever know. I have trouble separating our friendship. When I have my
armsaroundyou,allIcanthinkaboutissex.”

I spin around so that our eyes meet. Our faces are so close that the heat of Dean’s

breathmakesmybodytingle.Idon’tknowwhatIwanttodo.Weshouldremainfriends
and go on with our lives as planned, but I have to know if we have something more.
Before I can make the decision, Dean threads his fingers through my hair and pulls me
towardhim.

Hissoftlipsgrazealongmine.

I hook my arms around his neck and lean into him, parting his lips with my tongue.

Whatstartsoutasaslowandpassionatekiss,growsmoreintenseashepalmsthebackof
myheadtodeepenthekiss.NowthatIhavemyhandsonhim,Ican’tresisttheurgeto
exploreeveryinchofhistonedbody.

Imovemyhandstohischesttopushuphisshirtandrunmyfingersoverhissix-pack.

UnabletopeelmyselffromDean,Ikeepgoingandflipopenthebuttonofhisjeans.He
moansintomymouthwhenIslipmyhandinsidehisboxers.

“BadKitten,”hewhispers.

Deangripsmyhips,liftingmeuptolowermeontothemattress.Hecrashesontopof

me,hislipsbrushingmine,ashetugsatmyclothes.Mybodyshutsdownwhenhesucks
onmybottomlip,onceagainslippinghistongueintomymouth.

Ineverwanthishandstoleavemybodyorhistonguetostopdoingwhateverhedoes

to make every nerve ending come alive at once. With each kiss, our friendship rips to
shreds.TheanimalisticpassionIcraveconsumesme.Asheslideshishandupmythigh,
heatrushesovermybodyinwaves,furtherintensifyingwhenDeanstripsmeofmyjeans.

Leavingmypantiesforlast,heliftsmyshirtovermyheadandthrowsitonthefloor.

Deanstaresdownatmeforafewseconds,beforehereachesbehindmetounhookmybra.
Slowly,heslidesthestrapsdownmyshoulders,exposingmybreasts.

“Kitten,”hesayswithlustinhisvoice.“You’resofuckingbeautiful.”

Ismileupathim.

He doesn’t waste time and leans down to massage my breasts, taking his time as he

sucksonmynipple,gentlytuggingitwithhisteeth.Thetinybudgrowsharderwitheach
flick of his tongue. Despite the hunger in his eyes, Dean expertly navigates my body,
givingeverypartofmeequallove.

“Takethisoff,”Iwhimper,tuggingathisshirt.“Iwantyounaked.”

He peeks up at me and flashes his usual panty-dropping smirk that goes straight

betweenmythighs.

Sittingup,justenoughtounbuttonhisdressshirt,Deanlocksontome.Hisblueeyes

pinmedown,commandauthorityoverme.Iwanthimwitheveryounceofmybeing.

KissingDeanwouldn’tfeelrightifitwasn’tmeanttohappen.Maybewearesupposed

tobetogether.Maybewecanturnourfriendshipintosomethingmore.Andnotjustsex.

We share a deep connection that I have never felt for anyone other than Dean. He

understandsmeinwaysthatIneverthoughtwerepossible.Deanmakesmefeellikehis
worldstartsandendswithmeasifnootherwomenareeveninexistence.

Deanhopsoffthebedtokickoffhisjeansandslideshisboxersoverhiships.Igaspat

the sight of him, long and hard, and so ready for me. His body is a masterpiece as if
someone had sculpted him by hand and taken their time in creating every single part of
him.

Withonlyadimlightfromthenightstandilluminatingthespace,thesettingisperfect.

Dean climbs back into bed and positions himself between my legs. The thin lace of my
pantiesripswhenhepullsonthem.

“Becareful,”Iwarnhim.“Ineedthoseforlater.”

Heshakeshisheadwithadeviouslookonhishandsomeface.“No,youdon’t.Iplan

tokeepyoulikethisfortherestofthenight.”

Caughtintheheatofthemoment,Isay,“Then,goahead.”

Deantakesthatasanorder,andthefabricfallstotheside,nowcompletelyuselessto

me.Iliftmyhipsenoughforhimtopeelthelaceawayfrommybody.Hebreathesagainst
myneckandpushesmylegsopenwiderwithhisbighandbeforeheshovestwofingers
insideme.

“Ididthistoyou,Kitten.Rememberthatwhenyoucomeforme.”Heemphasizesme,

asinhewantsmetostopandthinkaboutwhatwearedoing.Mybestfriendmakesme
wet.He’salsotheonlymanIhaveeverbeenwithsexually.

BythetimeDeandipshisheadbetweenmylegs,workinghismagiconmybodywith

his tongue, my brain stops working. I moan into the pillow that smells of his citrus
shampoo, slipping my hand through his hair, as my body trembles with an orgasm that
tearsmetopieces.

Hepeeksupatmefrombetweenmylegsandlicksmyjuicesfromhislipsandfingers.

Then,hesitsupandtakesmyhand,helpingmestrokehisshaft.Hecoversmytinyhand
withhisandstaresdownatmewithhungerinhiseyes.

“Thisiswhatyoudotome,Kitten.”

C H A P T E R 1 1

SeniorYear

ean

MOANS

,asIhelpherstrokemycock.Iwantedtotakemytimeanddevoureveryinch

ofherflawlessbody,soIdid.Istillcan’tbelieveKatwantstotakeourfriendshiptothis
level. My only concern is that things will get weird between us, but it’s hard to think
betweenthealcoholcloudingmyjudgmentandherhandsonmysensitiveskin.

Does this mean the same to her as it does to me? That’s the question I need her to

answer.ItellKatIloveherallthetime—becauseIdo.ButshehasnoideathatIamin
lovewithher.Ihaven’tbeenwithanothergirlinyears,allbecauseofKat.I’dkeptholding
outhopethatshewouldfinallyseethatthemanofherdreamsisrightinfrontofher.

Ifshewereanothergirl,IwouldhavebentKatoverthechairinthecornerofmyroom

andfuckedhersenseless.Instead,IkissedherasIloweredherontothemattress,withour
mouthsstillmeldedtogether.

Shesitsup,justenoughtostickouthertongueandglideitalongthetipofmycock.I

suckinadeepbreathandclosemyeyes,lettingmyhandfalltomysidesoshecantake
over.

Gripping Kat’s hair, I stare down at her as she takes all of me in her mouth. I never

thought this day would come. She wants more, or at least I think that’s what she was
hinting.Soclosetofindingmyrelease,Itakeherheadinmyhandandsitback,becauseI
wouldrathercomeinsideher.

Without exchanging a word, she understands what I want, releasing her hold on me,

andsinksbackontothemattress.Positionedaboveher,Irubmycockalongherfolds,and
asoftpurrescapeshermouth.Thewarmththatpoolsbetweenherlegssendsmeoverthe
edge.

With, my elbows on each side of her head, I lean forward to kiss her neck before

making my way to her lips. Her hips arch as she kisses me, her hand gliding down my
back.Itakemytime,carefulnottofillherrightaway.Agroanofpleasure,maybepain,
forceshereyesclosed,andItense,unsureifIshouldstop.

“Don’tstop,Dean.”Shewrapsherlegsaroundmyback.“Stopthinkingyouwillbreak

me.”

Whilethatmightbetrue,Kathasalwayshadthepowertobreakme.Igetlostinside

her, waiting for her body to relax, before hers works in a rhythmic motion along with
mine.IliftKat’slegovermyshouldertoslidedeeperinside,andshecriesout,mynamea
whisperonherlips.

AsIpickupthepace,shesucksinadeepbreath,herchestrisingandfallingwitheach

groan.Hereyesfinallyopenandfindmine,alookofpureecstasyinthem.Ipoundinto
herharder,faster.Herbodyconvulses,thegripshehasonmetightening.Shescreamsso
loudthatIhavetofocusonnotcomingbeforeher.

Sheletsoutonelastsigh,watchingme,asIlosecontrol.Icollapseontopofherand

kissherlipsbeforerollingontothemattressnexttoher.Ittakesafewminutesformeto
getmybearingsbeforeIcanmove.

Didwejustruinourfriendshipforgood?EverytimewehavesexIwonderthesame

thing.Wehavetocommittooneortheother.Somuchuncertaintycloudsmybrain.But
theonethingIamcertainaboutismyloveforKat.

She curls up into the nook between my arm and shoulder, resting her head on my

chest.“Whydon’twedothismoreoften?”Herbreathingisshallow,hervoicelow.“That
was…”Kat’swordsdieoffinherthroat.

Iplantakissonherforehead,unsureofhowtorespond.MyfeelingsforKatalways

resurfaceaftersex.Ineedtimetoprocessallofthem.Ialsoknowthatwehavetostopthis
charade.SheneedstoknowthatIaminlovewithher.

Kattracestheoutlineofmyjawwithherthumb,staringupatme.“Iloveyou,Dean.”

I’mnotsurehowshemeansthosewords,butIhavetosaythembackbecauseIlove

her.“Iloveyou,too,Kitten.”

“Takeashowerwithme,”shesays.

Kat has a nighttime ritual that she almost never breaks. I know her habits as if they

weremyown.Now,Iknoweverycurveofherbodyandthesoundsshemakeswhenshe
comes.

Ikissheronthelipsandwhisper.“I’monlygonnagetyoudirtyagain.”

Sheflashesadeviousgrin.“Thatwaspartoftheplan.”

“Ilikehowyouthink,woman.”Islideoffthebed,beckoninghertofollowmeintothe

bathroomthatseparatesmyroomfromthetwins.

“Howareyougoingtoleaveinthemorning?”

Shefrowns,foldingherarmsacrossherchest,pushingupherperkytitsintheprocess.

“You’realreadythinkingaboutgettingridofme?Thanksalot,jerkface.”

“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat,andyouknowit.”Ilowermyvoicetoawhisperandpoint

to the door that separates the bedrooms. “Your brothers sleep on the other side of that
door.Whatarewegoingtotellthem?”

HerhandsfalltohersidesoncesherealizesImeantnothingbymywords.“I’veslept

herebefore.Whywouldtheythinkanythingofit?”

“You were screaming my name, Kitten. Someone had to hear you. You come here

enoughthatmyteammateswouldprobablyrecognizeyourvoice.AndifTuckerorTheo
tookthosegirlsuptotheirroom,theycouldhaveheardyou,too.”

She covers her mouth with her hand, the blush creeping up to her cheeks, as she

slowlylowersittospeak.“WasIthatloud?”

“Hey,I’mnotcomplaining.Butyourbrothersmightbealittleconfusedwhentheysee

youcreepoutofthehouseafterthatperformance.”

With her tits out on display, I have trouble focusing on anything but her chest when

she throws her hands onto her narrow hips. I get hard again thinking about shoving my
dickbetweenthem.ButIhavetocalmdown.Nowthateverythinghassunkin,wehaveto
thinkaboutournextmove.

“Howaboutwetakeashowerandworryaboutmybrotherslater?Let’snotspoilthe

momentwithstupidshitwecanfigureoutinthemorning.”

Shestepsintothetiledshower,andturnstheknob,feelingthewaterwithherhandas

she adjusts the temperature. Once I get in with her, Kat presses her palm to my chest,
pushingmebeneaththewater.Sherubsshampooinmyhairandsmearssomeofitdown
thesideofmyface.

Igrabbothofherhandstoholdherinplace.“Oh,youthinkyou’refunny,don’tyou?”

Taking the glob from my cheek, I leave a streak along her cheek, dragging my finger
downtohernipple.ThetinybudhardenswhenIgiveitagoodtwist.

“Dean,you’remakingmewetagain,andnotthiskindofwet.”Shepointsatthewater

streamingdownherfaceandchuckles.

Her laughter is contagious, because the two of us stand there, looking at each other,

laughingaboutthestupidityofthismoment.Sheeventuallytiltsherheadback,allowing
thewatertowashoverher.IhelpKatwashherhair,andthen,Isoapuptheloofatorubit
overherchest.

“Ican’tbelieveittookclosetothreeyearsforyoutogetmenaked,”shesays,staring

upatme.“Thatmustbearecordforyou.”

She says the words to taunt me, so I poke right back. “That’s because I thought you

werealesbian.”

Webothlaugh,knowingthatIneverthoughtthataboutKatforonesecond.

“I’msureifItried,youwouldhavebeeninmybedfreshmanyear,butIrespectedyou

toomuch.”

She rolls her eyes. “Good to know. I’m glad we waited until last year. We probably

wouldn’tevenbefriendsifwehadhookedupwhenwe’dfirstmet.”

“Idoubtit.”

Pressing my palm flat against the wall, I allow the water to run down my back. Kat

comesupfrombehindandhugsme.Sheslidesherhandovermystomachandkissesmy
skin. I was afraid of things being weird between us. But I trust her. I know she would
neverdoanythingtohurtmeandthesamegoesforme.

I peel her hands from my stomach, turning around so that we are facing. She’s

beautiful,naked,andsoakingwet.Thewatersplashesoffherforeheadandstreamsdown
herface.IluckedouthavingKatasmybestfriend.

Ituckthewetstrandsofhairbehindherearstogetthemoutofherface.Sheplaces

herhandonmychest,andIdipdowntokissherlips,liftingherupintheprocess.Asher
backhitsthetile,Kathooksherlegsaroundmymiddleanddigsherheelsintomylower
back.Butthesoundofsomeonebangingonthebathroomdoorripsusfromourlustfilled
trance.

Withourforeheadstouching,Katwhispers,“Whatarewegoingtodo?”

“I’mbusy,”Iyellloudenoughforthetwinstohear.

“Hurryupinthere,”Theosays.

“Wearesofucked,”Katsays.“Howarewegoingtoexplainwhywetookashower

together?”

“Idon’toweanyoneanexplanation,andneitherdoyou.”Isetherdown,nowthatthe

twinshaveruinedthemoment.

“I’llgetout,andyoucanletTheoin.Hewon’tevenknowIwaswithyou.”

My face hurts from smiling so much. Kat was always my partner in crime. At least

thatpartofourrelationshipisstillthesame,evenifIneedaroadmaptonavigatethenext
phase.

C H A P T E R 1 2

SeniorYear

WAKE

uptothesuninmyeyesandmyheadpoundinglikeajackhammer.Everybone

andmuscleinmybodyaches.MythroatburnsfromtheshotsIdidlastnight,eachbreath
stirring a fire inside my stomach. I blink a few times to get the sleep from my eyes and
glanceatthewhitewallsthataremostlybarrenexceptafewhockeyawardsandposters

Iwasdrunklastnight,butnotsooutofitnottorememberwhatIdidwithDean.To

rememberthethingsIsaidtoDean.ItoldhimIlovehim,andIdo.Buthowdidhetake
it?Whatdoesthismeantohim?Stillonmyside,withmybacktoDean,hehashisarm
hookedaroundmystomach,breathingagainstmyskin.

Ilifthishandandsetitonthebedtogivemyselfenoughroomtogetupandescapeto

the bathroom. And to get dressed. Now that the sun is shining on his face and perfectly
tonedbody,Ifeelsubconsciousbeingnakednexttohim.He’sgorgeous—ifIcanevensay
thataboutaman.Nothingabouthimiseveroutofplace,noteveninsleep.

Forasecond,Istarttopanic,thenervousenergyshootingthroughmybody.Theoand

Tuckeraresleepingontheothersideofthiswall.MybrothersloveDean.Theythinkof
himasanothermemberoftheBaldwinclan.Howwilltheyreactiftheyseeustogether,
andinsuchacompromisingposition?Fuck.

AllbecauseIhadtoactlikeagirlandwonderwhatitwouldbeliketobewithDean.

Again.Weneverhavesexathishouse—andforagoodreason.ItwasasifIthoughtthis
last-ditch effort before graduation would be enough to keep him in my life. The truth is
thatDeanhasnocontroloverwherehelivesoncehegetsdraftedintotheNHL,andIhave
ajobwaitingformebackhomeinChicago.So,whydidIthinkthiswastheanswer?If
anything, I might have further ruined our friendship out of curiosity, maybe even out of
fear.

“Get back to bed, Kitten.” Dean’s voice sounds more gruff than normal. He pats the

spaceonthemattresswhereIsleptwithoneeyeopenandhisfaceburiedinthepillow.

Isitontheedgeofthebed,staringdownathim,withmyarmscoveringmychest.He

rollsontohisback,flashingasetofchiseledabsandhisperfectsmilethatdistractme.So

doeshismorningwoodthattentsthecovers.

AsmuchasIwanttoadmitlastnightwasamistakeorthatanyofthetimeswehad

sex was a mistake, he makes it impossible. The moment Dean flashes one of his boyish
grinsatme,Imeltalloveragain.Iwillneverregretaskinghimtotakemyvirginity.But
whatIdoregretisnotfollowingthroughonoursexualfeelings.

Herubsmythighwithaseductivelookinhiseyes.“It’sstillme,Kitten.Nothinghas

changed.Okay?”

Deanalwayssaystherightthing,andattheexacttime,Ineedtohearit.Iwasafraid

hewoulddistancehimselffrommeafterwehadsexthefirsttime.Oddlyenough,Iwas
theonewhofeltdifferent.Everytimewegetcloser,Iwithdraw.AndIhavenoideawhy.
SexwithDeanwaseverythingI’deverimaginedandmore.Hemakeseverytimefeellike
anewexperience.Buthe’sstillmybestfriend.

IsmileovermyshoulderatDean,andhetakesthatashiscuetowraphisarmsaround

me,loweringmeontothemattress.Dean’ssheetsaresosoftthatIwrapmyselfinthem
andsnugglewithhim,sameasalways.Thispartofourrelationshipisnodifferentfrom
before.

Irollovertofacehim,cocooningmyselfintheblankets.“Morning.”

Deanleansbackagainstthewoodenheadboard.“Morning,beautiful.”Hepushesmy

hairawayfrommyfaceandtucksitbehindmyear.

“Doyouwanttogetbreakfast?WecouldgodowntoBroadStreetBeans.”

“Yeah,thatsoundsgood.Icouldusesomegreasyfoodtosoakupallthealcohol.”

“Youhavesuchaweakstomach,”hejokes.

“Ican’thelpit.IguessI’mnotbuiltforpoundingshotslikeyou.”

Hesitsupandreadjustshimself,proppinghiselbowupontheedgeofmypillowso

thatwearesharingit.Oureyesmeet,andthetensionbetweenusburnslikealitmatch.
We never needed words to communicate. But being this close to Dean never had this
effectonmebefore.Now,Iamalltooawareofhisproximityandhowmybodyresponds
tohim.

Every movement he makes causes me to react in some way. My heart beats a little

faster when he pushes down the covers, exposing my bare breasts to the cold air. Dean
watches me, as I suck in a deep breath that I have yet to let out, and pinches my nipple
betweenhisfingers.Iclosemyeyesthatheforcesopenoncehishandtravelsdownmy
stomachandbetweenmylegs.

“Dean,”Imumble.

He breathes heavily against the shell of my ear, picking up the pace, and whispers,

“Comeforme,Kitten.”

I groan in response. My head spins from the pure pleasure that Dean delivers with

each flick of his fingers. My orgasm is right there, on the verge of sending me over the
edge,whenaknockonthedoorcausesDeantostopmovingandmetopanic.

Heremoveshisfingersandhopsoffthebedtofindhisboxersonthefloor.Hesteps

into them, just as Theo pounds on the door again and yells, “Hey, asshole, are you in
there?”

Thesoundofmybrother’svoicehasmeinfull-blownfreakoutmode.Iwrapthesheet

aroundmyselfandslideoffthemattress.

IlookatDean,theadrenalinerushingthroughmybody,andholdupmyhands.“What

shouldIdo?”

Hescansthefloorandliftsmyclothesandshoesinahurry,handingthemovertome

alongwithmypurse.“Hangoutinthebathroomforafew,”hesaysunderhisbreath.

I walk over to the bathroom, with my hands full and my body on fire from the fear,

onlytofindthedoorlocked.“Someoneisinhere,”ImouthtoDean.

Hetiltshisheadtothesideandscratcheshisjawasifthinkingaboutournextmove.

Anotherbangonthedoorcausesbothofustojump.

“Iknowyou’reinthere,Dean,”Theosays.“Openup.”

Unsureofwhattodo,Deanpointstowardtheclosetandmotionswithhisheadforme

togetin.Asifthissituationisn’tawkwardenough,Ihavetohideinafuckingclosetthat
probably smells like ball sweat. Well, knowing Dean it’s not too bad since he’s a clean
freak.Still,theentiresituationisridiculous.

Withoutanotherthought,Ihurryacrosstheroomandopenthedoortothecloset.What

choicedoIhave?Afterlastnight,I’mslightlyparanoidaboutanyoneseeingmeinDean’s
room.Wealreadyhaveenoughpeopleoncampustalkingaboutourrelationship.Rumors
ofushavingsexareacomplicationwedon’tneed,notwhenIhaveenoughattentionfrom
my famous family. All eyes are always on the Baldwins. People watch us like hawks,
hopingtogetsomedirtonustheycanselltothemedia.

IhaveenoughroomtoduckunderDean’sclothesandsitonthefloor.Sharingaspace

withaBrauerhockeybagthatsmellslikealockerroomwasn’twhatIhadinmindwhenI
threw myself at Dean last night. I was hoping for something a little more romantic. The
breakfasthepromisedmewouldhavebeenanicestart.

“About fucking time,” Theo says, barging into Dean’s room. “You’re alone?” He

soundsconfused.“Whathappenedtothepuckbunnyyouwerebanging?Shewasgiving
mygirlarunforhermoneylastnight.”

Oh.My.God.Icoulddieinthisclosetfromshame.Mybrother,ofallpeople,heard

mehavingsexwithDean.AndTheowasintheotherroomwithagirlwhowastryingto
outdome?Gross.

“Ikickedherasstothecurbhoursago,”Deansaysinhisusualcockytone.

Ugh,IhatewhenheactslikeDirtyDean.Whilehisvoiceissexy-as-fuckandmusicto

myears,hiswordshitmelikeapunchinthegut.Didhekickmetothecurb?Iguessyou
couldsaythat.Butwouldhedothattome?No.Idon’tthinkso.Wouldhe?I’vebecome
morethanhisbestfriend.Now,I’moneofDean’spuckbunnies.Shit.

Deanisn’tlikemybrothers.Hedoesn’twhorearoundwithanygirlwhoflasheshima

smileandanicepairoftits.Unlikethetwins,hehasstandards,whichisoddforsomeone
asgoodlookingasDean.

I know Dean better than anyone does, and because of that, I trust him. He has no

reasontolietome.IknowDeans’habits,thethingshehates,howmanygirlshehasbeen
with, and just about every detail of his life. Now, I’m no different than a puck bunny,
balleduponthefloorwithhisfuckinghockeybag.

Anothertenminutespass,whereDeanandTheodiscussmypornstarmoansandwhat

theirgirlsdidwiththeminbed,mystomachturnsfromtheirconversation.WhileIknow
Dean is playing it off as if I were some random hockey hooker, I want to puke in his
sneakersjustfortalkingaboutmelikethat.

Whatadick.

ThedoorslamsbehindTheo,andafewsecondslater,Deancomestohelpmeoffthe

floor.Hehookshisarmaroundmyback,pullingmeintohischest.Ihadn’trealizedIwas
cryinguntilDeanwipesthetearsfrommycheekswithhisthumbs.

“I’msorry,Kitten.Pleasedon’tcry.IhadtolieandactlikeyouweresomegirlImet

attheparty.”

“Thisiswhyweneverdidthis,Dean,”Ichokeoutbetweensobs.“Wecan’tevenbe

together in the traditional sense. Am I supposed to sneak around with you until we
graduate? I had to hide in a goddamn closet while you and Theo talked about me like I
wasapornstaryouwereauditioninglastnight.”

“Youwereloud,babe.”Thecornersofhismouthturnupintoawickedgrin.“Ifsports

broadcastingdoesn’tworkoutforyou—”

“Don’tevenfinishyourstupidthought,”Isay,interruptinghistrainofthought.“This

isnotthetimetomakejokes.”

Startingwithmyforehead,heplantsakissonmyskin,makinghiswaydowntomy

cheeks.Hekissesawaymytearsalongwithmyanger.Imeltintohim,ourbodiesmeshed
togetherasone,asheedgeshiswaydownmyjawandtomylips.

“I’msorry,Kitten,”hewhispersbetweenkisses.“Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.”

Oncehistongueinvadesmymouth,Igetlostinhim,almostforgettingabouttherage

that had bubbled inside me only a few minutes before. But between those kisses, reality
setsinforme.Istillhavetomakemywalkofshameoutofthishouse.

HowthefuckamIgettingoutofherewithoutTheoandTuckerseeingme?Theywill

neverbelievethatIstayedinthesameroomasDeanandapuckbunny.Plus,theyknow
thatDeanwouldneversubjectmetosomethingsoawful.

If the twins see me crawling out of this room, after all the things Dean just said to

Theo,Ihavenodoubtitwillstartafight.OneIwillhavetobreakup.Ican’tbethereason
Deanloseshisclosestfriends.Hehassofewpeoplehecantrust.

Onceourlipsseparate,IwantmoreeventhoughIknowwehavetostop.“Helpmeget

outofhere.”

“Whataboutbreakfast?”

“YouhonestlythinkwecanwalkoutofhereandsayhitoTheoandTuckerafterthe

thingsyousaidaboutme?”

“Ididn’tsaythemaboutyou.Iwouldnevertalkaboutyoulikeapuckbunny.”

“Well,youdid.Butthat’snotthepoint,Dean.”

“Do you care what Tucker and Theo think of us?” He cups my face in his hands,

pinningmedownwithhisdenimirises.“Youaremybestfriend,Kitten.There’snothing
wrongwithusbeingtogether.”

“Whenyousaytogether,whatdoesthatmeantoyou?Likewegooutondates?”

Heshrugs.

“Youaremakingmypointforme.Wedon’tevenknowwhatthismeanstous.I’mnot

abouttogotellmybrothersthatwearetogether.”

“Youmeaneverythingtome.”Herunshiscallousedthumbalongmyjaw,causingmy

breathtohitch.“Youshouldknowthatbynow.”

“Butthatdoesn’tmeanyouwanttobewithme,asinheartsandflowersandallthat

romanticshit.”

“I don’t do hearts and flowers.” He opens his mouth, as if he’s about to speak, and

hesitates.“ButIcoulddothemforyou.Ifthat’swhatyouwant.”

“Idon’tknowwhatIwant,Dean.Asusual,youconfusethefuckoutofme.”

He looks away from me, slowly releasing his grip on my face. “We have to figure a

waytosneakyououtthebackdoor.”

Thesuddenchangeinhisbehaviorterrifiesme.

WhatdidIjustdo?

Itoldhimthetruth,anditbackfired.Thingsarecomplicatednow,moresothanIever

thought they could be. I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from ruining our
friendship.

C H A P T E R 1 3

SeniorYear

ean

HAS

BEEN

ACTING

strange for the last two weeks. Ever since we had sex again,

nothinghasbeenthesame.Somethingwasoffabouther.Shewasneverthisemotionalin
the past. I was always the one who was more invested in our relationship. Now, she’s
actinglikeagirlwhohadherheartbroken.ButIamtheonewiththebrokenheart.

Atfirst,KatstoppedmeetingmeatBroadStreetBeansforcoffeebeforeclass.Then,

she had excuses for why she couldn’t come to the SAC to play air hockey with her
brothersandme.It’sasifshehasdistancedherselffromeveryone.Katshouldknowme
wellenoughtoseethatIamonlygivingherspace.

This is not permanent. I will not allow Kat to walk away from me. Sex always

complicatesthings,whichiswhyI’mpickywhenitcomestowomen.Katknowsthat,too.
Sheknowseverythingaboutme.Iwouldn’thavesleptwithherifIthoughtitwouldruin
our friendship and any shot of us ever being together. Now, I don’t know what to do. I
needherbackinmylife.

FlankedbyTheoandTucker,Iwalkpastthelibrary,hopingtoseeKat.Shehasaclass

across the street on the second floor of the business hall. Her class lets out around now,
andIbroughtherbrothersasammunition.Evenifshe’smadatme,shewon’tturnaway
thetwins.IhatethatIhavetousethemtogettoKat,butshehasn’tleftmeachoice.

Theo plops down on the concrete ledge out front of the library. Tucker and I follow

suit.

“What’sbeenupKat’sasslately?”Tuckersays,twistingoffthetopfromtheGatorade

bottleinhishand.“I’mstartingtofeellikeastalker.”

“It’sallDean’sfault,”Theosays.

“No, it’s not,” I spit back, defensive. “Unlike you assholes, Kat studies for her final

exams.”

Theowaveshishandtodismissme.“Easyforyoutosay.You’regoodatschool.This

shitcomesnaturallytoyou.”

“Istillhavetostudy.”

“Yeah,butyou’reabrainiaclikeKat,”Tuckersays.“That’swhyyoutwogetalongso

well.She’salwayslikeDeanissosmart,andDeanissofunny,andblah,blah,blah.”

IrollmyeyesatTucker.“YoumakeitsoundlikeKathasacrushonme.”

Theosmirksatme.“Shedoesn’ttalkaboutyouthesamewayshetalksaboutBecca.”

“Whywouldshe?”

“Justsaying.”

We wait a few minutes in silence, which is a welcome relief after another awkward

conversation with the twins about Kat. Regardless of my friendship with her brothers, I
can’ttellthemwehookedup.Thatwouldbegroundsforafight,andIwoulddeserveany
asskickingIgotfromthem.

Notthat they wouldwin, but theywould at least havethe right toa few punches on

me, considering I betrayed their trust. My relationship with the twins complicates
everything.Iftheyweremyteammatesandnothingmore,itwouldbeeasiertoopenupto
them.Instead,IhavetokeepallthepainandguiltIharboroverlosingKatinside.

Inoneswiftmotion,Tuckerjumpsupontheledgeandbringshisfingerstohismouth

towhistle.“Hey,Kit-Kat,overhere.”

My gaze travels from Tucker to the other side of the street, where I find Kat with

Beccaandafewofherclassmates.Shepushesherblondehairbehindherearsandthen
holdsherhanduptoherforeheadtoblockthesunfromhereyes.Allshegivesusisatiny
wavethatwereturn,thedisappointmenthavingadominoeffectonallofus.

“Whatthefuckisherproblem?”Theoslidesofftheledge.Withoutanotherword,he

crossesthestreetandrunsovertoKat.

Of course, Tucker hops down and follows behind him, leaving me no choice but to

joinin.BythetimeIreachthegroup,TheoisalreadychattingupKatandBecca.

“Come to the SAC with us,” Theo says, tugging on Kat’s arm. “We’re hanging out

withsomeoftheguys.”

“Ihavetostudy,”shemutters.

“Just for an hour or two, and then you can go back to nerding out,” Tucker says,

hopefulthatshewillcomeforonce.

Kat peeks up at me from beneath light brows, her blue eyes burning a hole through

me. She’s gorgeous, without a single speck of makeup on her face, and her skin is
naturallyglowing.WhydidIhavetofuckthingsup?Whycouldn’tItellhowIfelt?That
couldhavemadethedifference.

Ourexperimentbackfired,servingasnothingmorethanproofthatKatwillneverlike

measmorethanafriend.Thefeelingswerealwaysthere,onlynow,theyhavemultiplied.
Mychestachesfromthesadnessinhereyes.Sheregretswhatwedid.Ialreadyknewthat
whenshestartedtodistanceherselffromme.It’snotlikewehaven’thadsexahandfulof
times.Whathaschanged?

ImoveTheotothesideandpullKatawayfromthegroup.“Canwetalk?”

Shesucksinadeepbreathandletsitout,lookingawayfromme.Atinysmiletouches

herlips,oneshereservesforherbrothers.Onceoureyesmeetagain,shesays,“Ihaveto
getreadyfortheexamtomorrow.”

“Kitten,c’mon.”ItightenmygriponherhandbecauseIamafraidthatifIletgo,I

willloseherforever.“Pleasedon’tdothis.”

“I’mnotdoinganything,Dean.Ihavetopassmyclasses.Unlikeyou,Idon’thavea

professionalhockeycareerwaitingforme.Ihavetoworkforaliving,andifIwantthis
internship,Ihavetokeepmygradesup.”

“You’reinthetopofourclass.Thechanceofyoufailingafinalexamisaboutasslim

astheFlyerswinningtheStanleyCup.”

Shelaughsatmycomment.“Youhadtobringhockeyintoit.”

Ishrug.“Whynot?Itseemedtofit.”

Tiltingherheadtotheside,shehasasexylookonherbeautifulfacethatremindsme

of the night we were together. I miss her so much my stomach hurts from the knife
digging into it. Living without Kat has been awful. She’s my entire world. I just didn’t
realizeituntilshewasn’tpartofitanymore.

“Please,Kitten,”Ibeg,squeezingherhand.“Comewithusforonehour.Imissedyou.

Yourbrothershavemissedyou,too.”

“Okay.OnehourandthenIhavetogetbacktowork.”

I want to kiss her so fucking bad. But I remind myself that Tucker and Theo are

watchingus,alongwithBecca,andI’msurewhoeveriswalkingpastus.

“Iwillpersonallywalkyoubacktoyourdorminonehour.”

OnehourisallIneed,butitwillneverbeenough.

HIRTY

MINUTES

LATER

,KatisinthemiddleofaheatedairhockeytournamentwithTheo.

With the score tied at 6-6, the next person to score wins the game. One thing I learned
about the Baldwins over the years is their competitive nature. None of them can handle
losing,butatleastKatisalittlemoregracefulaboutitthanherbrothers.

WhenTheosmacksthepucktotherightofKat’shandandintohergoal,hethrowshis

strikerontothetable,drawingtheattentionofeveryonearoundus.TheBaldwinsarealso
show-offs.Justliketheirfather,allofthemareextremelytalented.Andtheydon’tmind
rubbingitinyourface.

TheothrowshishandsintheairandmakesasillyfaceatKat.“Andthatishowit’s

done,Kit-Kat.”

SherollshereyesatTheo.“Iletyouwin.IfeltbadafterIsunkthreeinarowonyour

goal.”

“Yeah,right.Ibeatyoufairandsquare.”

KnowingKat,sheprobablylethimwin.Ofalltheguyssurroundingus,Katisoneof

the best at air hockey. She grew up playing it with Austin and Duke, long before she
learned how to play ice hockey. There’s nothing Kat isn’t good at, especially when it
comestosports.

IholdoutmyhandtoKat,andshetakesitwithoutafight.GettinghertotheSACwas

achore.Ineverthoughtshewouldletgoofwhateverhadhersoupset.It’snotlikeIdid
somethingwrong.Iwouldneverhurther,atleastnotonpurpose.

“Ineedadrink.Let’stakeawalktothecafeteria.”

Sheglancesupattheclockonthewalktocheckthetime.

“We have thirty more minutes,” I say, dragging her out of the room. “I even set the

alarmonmyphonesothatIcantakeyoubackontime.”

“You’retakingthishangserious,huh?”

“I’mamanofmyword.”

“Thatyouare,”shemutters.

“Istillneedtotalktoyou,Kitten.”

“Canwedothatlater?I’mhavingagoodtime.Let’snotspoilthis.”

Confused,Ishakemyhead.“Spoilwhat?Ijustwanttotalktoyou.”

“Iknowwhatyou’regoingtosay.”

“Unless you developed the ability to read minds in the two weeks you’ve been

ignoringme,thenIdoubtyouknowwhatIwanttosay.”

“Two weeks ago. That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked you to…” Her voice

trailsoff,thewordsdyinginherthroat.

“Iwantedtobewithyou,Kat.Idon’tregretanythingwedid.”

Shenarrowshereyesatme.“Youdon’t?”

“No,notatall.WhatIregretislosingyouoversex.Youknowmebetterthananyone.

Idon’tgoaroundthecampusandfuckanygirlwhotalkstome.”

“Justdon’tletanyonehearyousaythat.Itmightruinyourstreetcred.”Shelaughs.

“Let people think what they want. I don’t care what they say about me behind my

back.TheonlyopinionIcareaboutisyours.”

Oncewereachthecafeteria,IgrabafewcupsfromtheirholdersandhandonetoKat.

“I’m not sure what to say, Dean. I feel different about you, and I have no idea how to
processeverything.”

Shefillshercupwitheverykindoffountainsodatheyhaveontap.

“Gross,”Itellher,takingturnsfillingthreeCoke’sforthetwinsandme.“Whycan’t

youchooseonebrandofsodalikeanormalperson?”

“BecauseIcannevermakeupmymind.”Sheturnsaround,withthecupinherhand,

andtakesasipfromthestraw.“Maybeyouwouldlikeit.Youdon’tknowuntilyougiveit

atry.”

“Ididn’tknowhowmuchIwouldlikeyouuntilwegaveitatry.”

A blush creeps up her neck and to her cheeks. “Dean,” she whispers, as I brush my

fingertipsalonghersandmovecloser.“Wegraduateintwoweeks.It’stoolate.”

“Weshould’vehadthisconversationsooner,Kitten.Pleasedon’tshutmeout.I’mnot

somerandomguyyouhookedupwithataparty.”

“I’lltellyouwhat,”shesays,ourfacesonlyafewinchesapart.“Ifweendupinthe

samecityaftertheNHLdraft,thenwecanseewhathappens.Igrewupwithadadwho
traveledfromcitytocityandwasneverhome.Ican’thandletheconstantdisappointment
thatwillcomefromyouneverbeingaround.”

“We don’t even know if I’m getting drafted. Do I have a good chance? Yeah, of

course,Ido.Butthereisnoguarantee.”

“It’sadefinite,Dean.Mydadsaidthere’snowayyouwon’tgetpickedup.Youhavea

fewteamswhowantyou.Youcouldendupanywhere.”

“Westillhavethesummertogether.”

“No,wedon’t.Youhavetogobackhometohelpyourmom,andIhaveaninternship

waitingforme.”

Whenthelinebythesodamachinesgetslonger,Isetthecupsintoacarrierandpull

Kattowardthecashregister.Shegrabsafewbagsofsnacksandcakesfromthecounter
andaddsthemtoourorder.

“Wecanstillbefriends,Kitten.Don’tletsexchangeourfriendship.Ineedyouinmy

life.”

“I need you, too,” she whispers, out of breath. “But I want you in other ways that I

never did before. I can’t handle seeing you with other women. In that regard, our
relationshiphaschanged.”

“Then,Iwon’teventalktoanotherwoman.”Ihandthecashiermoneyforoursodas,

stillfocusedonKat.“Problemsolved.”

Asmileturnsupthecornersofhermouth.“You’recute.”

“Andyou’rebeautiful.Imissedyousomuch,Kitten.Idon’tcareifIhavetoremain

celibatefortherestofmylifeifthatmeansIcanhaveyouinmylife.Wecangobackto
beingfriends.”

“Idon’tdeserveyou,Dean.”Sheleansintomyside,andIhookmyarmaroundher

back,balancingthesodasinmyotherhand.

Ibenddowntokissherontheforehead.“Youdeservebetterthanme.”

“Stop saying that, Dean.” She looks up at me with sadness in her eyes. “You’re

incredible.Iwouldn’tbefriendswithyouifyouweren’tworthyofmytime.”

“You’re the daughter of my childhood idol. I doubt I will ever feel worthy of you,

Kitten,butIwouldspendtherestofmylifetryingtobethemanyouneed.”

“Mydadhasnothingtodowithourfriendship.”

“Hekindadoes.Ifsomeonehadn’ttoldmethatNickBaldwin’sdaughterwasonthe

women’s ice hockey team, I never would have met you, but I had to see you play for
myself.”

“And…”

“Youdidn’tdisappoint.Iwouldknowthatslapshotanywhere.”

Shelaughs.“That’soneofthefewthingsIgotfrommydad.Isureashelldidn’tget

hislooks.”

“Goodthing,”Isaywithasmile.

She nudges me in the arm with her elbow. “I missed you, too, Dean. I’m sorry for

beingabitch.”

“Don’tworryaboutit.Iforgiveyou,Kitten.”

Once we get back to the rec room, the entire place is buzzing from the latest air

hockeytournament.Aspertheusual,TheoandTuckerarecommandingtheattentionof
everyone around them. The Baldwins have a natural magnetism that brings people to
them,thesamewayKatdrewmetoherallthoseyearsago.

Watching her on the ice had a strange effect on me. At first, I was attracted to her,

becausewhatmanwouldn’twantKat?Then,ourrelationshipshiftedtosomethingmore
than I had ever imagined. I never thought I would be the type to have a best friend, let
aloneonewho’sagirl.

WhydidIhavetofallinlovewithher?

KattearsopenabagofFlamin’HotCheetosandshovesahandfulintohermouth.She

chasesitdownwithherdisgustingsoda.

“Youhavetheworsttasteinfood,”Itellher.

“Nah,Ihaveexcellenttaste,”shemuttersbetweenbites.

TuckercomesupfrombehindKatandshoveshishandintothebagofCheetos.She

looks over her shoulder at him and frowns, pulling the bag away from him. “Get your
own,”shegrowls.“Can’tIhaveanythingwithoutoneofyoustealingit?”

“Someone’s in a mood.” Theo makes a face at Kat to taunt her and steals another

handfulfromherbag.

Narrowinghereyesathim,Kattakesasipofhersoda.Abeatpassesbetweenthem

whereshestarestheboysdown,beforehandingovertheirsnacks.

“Thereyougo,brats,”Katsayswithadefiantsmirk.

They thank her with a quick hug and walk away with their hands shoved inside the

bags.

“Areyoumadatthetwinsforsomething?”

Sheshakesherhead.“No,ofcoursenot.”

“Well, they think you’re pissed at them. I thought maybe you were taking out your

angerformeonyourbrotherswhenyouwouldn’ttalktoanyofus.”

“You’reanonlychild,Dean.”Sheturnssothatwearefacingandstaresintomyeyes.

“Imaginehavingfourbrothersalwaysaroundtoharassyou.”

“DukeandAustinmightgiveyouahardtimeaboutthings,buttheypracticallyraised

you.They’rejustlookingoutforyou,andsoarethetwins.”

“Yeah,Iknow,butifthere’sonethingIlearnedinthepasttwoweeks,it’sthatIam

theshadowofmyfamousfamily.Webecamefriendsbecauseofmyfather.Peopletreat
medifferentlybecauseofhimandmyolderbrothers.Evenoncampus,I’mthesisterof
theBaldwintwins,notthecaptainofthewomen’shockeyteamwholedherteamtotwo
championships.Andifweweretogether—”

“Youwouldbetheshadowofanotherhockeyplayer.”I’msoconfusedbyhersudden

changeofheart.IwanttoreachoutandtouchherlikeInormallywould,butIkeepmy
handstomyself.ThelastthingIneedisforhertobackawayfrommeagain.

“Yes,” says under her breath. “If we were to take our relationship to the next level,

thenIwouldbeDeanCrawford’sgirlfriend.Notlikethatwouldbeabadthing.Doyou
get what I’m trying to say? I want to be my own person, not an extension of someone
else.”

I never stopped to consider how much Kat gets overlooked because of her family.

Even I made the same mistake, but it’s also the reason we became friends. “Do you
rememberthedaywemet?”

Shesmiles.“HowcouldIforget?Youthoughtyouweresosmooth.”

Ileandowntowhisperagainsttheshellofherear.“Itworked,oryouwouldn’tbehere

withmerightnow.”

Shestillsforasecondandcloseshereyes.“Youstillhaven’tchanged.”

Itakeastepbacktogazeintohereyes.“I’mnotthesamemanyoumetinfreshman

year.”

“You were a boy back then, not a man.” She finishes the rest of her Cheetos and

chasesitdownwithhermysterysoda.Then,shethrowsthetrashintothecanafewfeet
awayfromus,comingbacktorunherhandsdownmyarms.

“C’mon,Kat.”IpeelhercheesyhandsoffmyblackStricklandSenatorsshirtthatshe

coveredwithspecksoforange.“Gowipeyourhandsonthetwins.”

“That’sonethingthathasn’tchangedaboutyou.You’restillaneatfreak.”

I attempt to brush the pieces off my shirt, giving her the evil eye. “There’s nothing

wrongwithlikingthingscleanandinacertainorder.”

Her face twists in what looks like disgust, though I’m not sure why she would be

appalledbymebeingthewayIam.Shecoversherhandwithhermouthandmutters,“I’ll
beback,”andwalksawayfromme.

Confused, I stand there for a second, wondering what just happened until I see her

pushopentherestroomdoorandstepinside.Ifollowbehindher,abouttoopenthedoora
crack,whentwoblondesalmostknockmeoverastheyexit.

“Thisistheladiesroom,”oneofthemsays,withanattitude.

“Themen’sroomisoverthere,”theothersays,pointingacrossthehallfromus.

“Yeah,Iknow.Thanks.”Irollmyeyesastheypassandleanmybackagainstthewall

outside of the bathroom. I consider going in after Kat, but instead, I wait another five
minutesforhertoresurface.

“Whatareyoudoingouthere?”Shewipeshermouthwiththetissueinherhandand

blowshernose.

Iinstinctivelyreachoutandgrabherbythehip,pullingherawayfromthedoorandin

frontofme.“Wereyoucrying?”

“No,Ididn’tfeelgood.IguessmystomachisnotafanoffireCheetos.”

“Those things are gross and so is your soda combo. Fruit punch, Sprite, Dr. Pepper,

andCokecombinedwouldmakeanyonesick.”

“Speak for yourself. I happen to like it. But the Cheetos were a little too hot.” She

removeshercellphonefromherpockettocheckthetime.“Youhavemeforanotherten
minutes.”

ThealarmIhadsetonmyphonebuzzesinmypocket.AnhourwithKat,afterallthis

timeapart,wasn’tenough.Butitwillhavetodofornow.

Ihookmyarmaroundherbackandsteerhertowardtherecroomtosaygoodbyeto

the twins and the rest of my teammates. Theo and Tucker are still engaged in their air
hockeymatch,andtheguysaroundthemarechantingandcheeringthemon.

“Let’sjustgo,”Katsays,nudgingme.“Icantalktothemlater.”

“You should have dinner with us tonight. We’re meeting up with everyone in the

cafeteria.”

“Thanksfortheoffer,butafterpukingupCheetosinadirtybathroom,Ikindalostmy

appetite.Ihavetostudyanyway.”

“I can come by later and help you study. If you want.” At this point, I would do

anythingtogetanotherhourortwowithKat.

“No,that’sokay.IpromisedBeccaIwouldgooverthefinalexamwithher.Weshare

thesameclassandnotes,soit’seasierifwecompareouranswers.”

Onceourfeethitthesidewalk,mystomachknots.Theshortwalktothedormitoryis

notenoughtomakeupforthetimewemissed.

“Youknow,wedon’thavetomakethingsweirdbetweenus,Kitten.Wecangoback

tothewaythingswerebefore.Ifeellikeyou’reslippingawayfromme.”

Shethreadsherfingersthroughmine.“I’mrighthere,Dean.”

“Then,whydoesitfeellikeyou’repushingmeawayonpurpose?Youneverletexams

oranythingcomebetweenus.Ihelpedyoustudyformostofyourtests—notBecca.”

“AreyoujealousofBecca?Ifyouare,youshouldn’tbe.”

“No,”Igrunt,annoyed.“ButIwanttobehereforyou,andyouwon’tletme.”

She stops walking once we reach the library and turns around to face me. “Do you

wantmetolieandtellyouthatthingsarethesame?Youknowtheyarenot.Dean,doyou
haveanyideawhatitwaslikeformetohideinyourclosetwhileyoutalkedtomybrother
aboutmelikesomepuckbunny?”

“We went over this already, Kat. I apologized. What did you want me to do? I

panicked.Neitherofuswantedyourbrotherstoknowaboutthatnight.”

“Mypointexactly,”shemutters.“Ifwehavetokeepourrelationshipasecret,thenwe

couldneverbemorethanfriends,atleastnotinpublic.”

“But everyone already assumes we fuck behind closed doors,” I point out. “So, why

notprovethemrightanddoit?”

Shefrowns.“BecauseIdon’twanttobesomegirlyoufuckinprivate.Iwanttobethe

girl you can show off to the world. I want to be part of your life and not just as your
friend.”

“Whatareyousaying?”Islidemyhandsontoherhipstoholdherinplace.“Thatnow

wecan’tevenbefriends?”

“Wehavetwomoreweeksuntilgraduation.Howmuchdoyouthinkwewillseeeach

other after that? I’m off to Chicago for my internship. You will go back home to your
momandeventuallyleaveforanNHLteam.”

“Iwon’tacceptthat,Kat.Wecanspendthetimewehavelefttogether.Itdoesn’thave

tobelikethis.”

“It’sforthebest,”shesays,staringdownatherfeet.Afteralltheseyearsoffriendship,

she can’t even look me in the eye when she tells me the worst news I’ve ever heard.
“There’snopointinsettingourselvesupforfailure.Wewantdifferentthings.”

“Iwantyou,”Iconfess.“Iwantyoutobemygirl.Mybiggestregretisnotsayingthat

sooner.Itwasalwaysyou,Kitten.”

Imovemyhanduptoherface,andasingletearfallsfromhereyeandontomyskin.

“If only that were possible.” She speaks so low her words are somewhat muted. “Only
timewilltell,Iguess.”

“Meaning,what?”

“If by some chance you end up in Chicago, then we might have a shot at becoming

morethanfriends.”

“Ionlywantyouinmylife.Friendsorlovers,itdoesn’tmattertome.”

“This is the problem,” she says. “You are so worried about losing me that you don’t

carewhatkindofrelationshipwehave,butIdo.”

“I’lldowhateveryouwant,Kitten.Pleasestopactinglikethis.”

Shepressesdownonmyshouldertokissmeonthecheekandsays,“I’msorry.”

Then, she takes off running down the street, leaving my heart and me in pieces. My

entirebodytremblesfromtheanxietythatrushesthroughmyveins,theadrenalinefueling
me.WhileIwouldneverregretlovingKat,IonlywishIhaddonethissooner,sothatwe
hadenoughtimetoexploretheothersideofourrelationship.

Now,it’stoolate.Onenightofpassionmighthavecostmemybestfriend,myKitten.

C H A P T E R 1 4

SeniorYear

PUSHED

EAN

AWAY

, all because he wants to be more than friends. But I am not

convinced that he sees me as anything other than his best friend. He only wants more
becauseheneedsmebackinhislife.Ineedhim,too.ButIhaven’tfiguredoutinwhat
capacity,andithurtstoomuchtothinkaboutlosinghimaftergraduation.

WhatIthoughtwasalast-ditchefforttokeephiminmylifewasastupidplan.Thisis

yourchance,Ihadtoldmyself.Foryears,I’dwonderedifDeancouldevercommittome
andifitwasevenworthruiningourfriendshipover.Theanswerisno.ToobadIputus
boththroughallthispainjusttofindout.

AfterIstepoutfromthebathroom,Becca,myroommate,handsmeabottleofwater.

“Areyousureyou’reokay?”

I unscrew the top and take a sip of water. “Don’t worry about me. I have a weak

stomach.I’musedtoit.”

“Yeah,butyou’vebeensickalotlately.Maybeyouhaveaglutenallergy.”

“Celiac disease? No, I doubt it.” I plop down on my bed and look up at Becca, still

feelingsicktomystomach.“Itwillpass.”

“If it were a few days, I would say fine, but it’s been at least a week of you hurling

almosteverymeal.”

“Canyouhandmemytextbook?”IpointtotheBusinessEthicsbookIneedtoreadif

Istillwanttograduatewithhonors.

Beccasetsitonthebednexttomeandsitsdown.“Youneedtoseeadoctor.Letme

makeanappointmentforyou,andinthemeantime,stopeatingsomuchfoodwithgluten
init.Eversinceourseasonended,you’vebeeneatingatonofcarbs.”

“Ihaven’tevenhadanythingtoeattoday.”

Shescootsclosertomeandstudiesmyface.“Please,go.Youneedtohavethetests

donetoseeifyouhavesomethingseriousgoingon.Vomitingmostofyourmealsisnot

healthyornormal.MysisterhasCeliacs.Itcanbepainfulandsucksassifyoudon’tget
treated.”

“AllIhavetodoisstopeatinggluten,”Itellher,openingupthetextbookonmylap.

“There,problemsolved.”

“Stop being so stubborn and go to the doctor. It’s better you know now, so you can

preventyourselffromgettingsickfortherestofyourlife.”

“Thanks,Mom,”Isaywithasmileandawink.

“Hey,dowhatyouwant.I’mspeakingfromexperiencewithmysister.Itwillonlyget

worseifyoudon’tgettested.”

Iliftmyphonefromthebedanddialthenumberforthehealthcenteroncampus.Five

minuteslater,Ihaveanappointmentfortheendoftheweek.ThatsatisfiesBeccaenough
forustogetbacktowork.

She grabs her books, pens, and notecards, and scatters them along the floor between

ourtwinbeds.We’vesharedaroomsinceourfreshmanyear.Theschoolgroupedthegirls
on the women’s hockey team together, and I since I’d requested Becca and she me, we
havebeentogethereversince.She’sanamazinghockeyplayerandhashadmybacksince
wewerekids.

Iglancedownatthepracticetestshovedinsidemybook.“Okay,sowhatdidyouget

forthefirstquestion?”

She bites on the tip of her pen and looks over at me as if she’s puzzled. “I didn’t

answerit.”

Ileantothesidetograbmypillowandthrowitatherhead.“Youaretheworststudy

partnerever.”

“Hey,”Beccayells,throwingherhandsintheair.“Ididn’tknowtheanswer.”

“Consideringit’stheeasiestoneontheentiresheet,that’sscary.”

“Well,smartypants,wecan’tallbeperfect.”

Ilaugh.“Iamfarfromperfect.ImessedupsobadIdon’t’evenknowhowtofixit.”

“WithDean?”Shescootsclosertomeanddropsthepeninsideherbook.“Younever

toldmewhat’supwithyoutwo.He’sbeenactingjustasweirdasyou.”

Ishrugandfallbackagainstthebed,deflated.“Idon’tknow.Thingsarecomplicated.”

Thethoughtofourlastconversationmakesmewanttopukealloveragain.Myguilt

andregretisprobablytherealreasonformyweakstomach.Icouldneverhandlestress.

“Didhedosomethingtoyou?Icankickhisassifyouwant.”

Webothlaughatherstupidity.

“Don’t even think about it,” I warn. “Dean didn’t do anything. It was me. I screwed

up.”

“Areyougoingtotellme,ordoIhavetopullitoutofyou?”

Frustrated,Iletoutapuffofair,blowingmyhairinmyface.“Wehookedup.”

“AsinyouhadsexwithDean?”Hereyesandmouthwideninshock.“Shutup.You

guysfinallydidit.”

Iturnmyheadawayfromhertostareoutthewindowatthefarcornerofourroom.“It

wasamistake.”

“Really? How could sex with Dean be a mistake? By now, the entire school has

probablyseenhimnaked,andyouwouldknowbetterthanmethathe’s—”

I hold up my hand to silence her. “Please don’t finish that thought. And yes, he’s…

Well,he’sDean.Canweleaveitatthat?”

Shetugsonmyshoulder,forcingmetolookherintheeyes.“Willyouatleastgiveme

somedetails?Ugh,sexwithDeanCrawfordhastobeatthetopofmostofthegirlsonthis
campus’bucketlist.”

“I can check it off of mine.” I give her a lopsided grin to lighten the mood, even

thoughIfeellikeshitontheinside.

“C’mon,Kat.Givemesomethinghere.”

“Fine.”IrollmyeyesatBecca.“Hewasamazing.”

“Whatchanged?”

“Don’tgetmad,butwe’vebeenhavingsexsincelastyear.IaskedDeantotakemy

virginity, and he did. The fact I haven’t told one of my closest friends only proves we
couldneverwork.”

“So,whycan’tyouguysworkitout?Idon’tunderstand?”

“Irefusetobehissecretgirlfriend.IthoughtIcoulddoit,butIwantmorethanwhat

hecanofferme.Deanwantsmetobehisgirl,butmybrotherscan’tknow,sowhat’sthe
point? We were able to go back to normal for a long time until I had to ask him if we
couldbemore.Thenextmorningchangedeverything,atleastforme.Whenrealityhad
sunkenin,andIrealizedwecouldnevermakeitwork,Iknewwehadtogobacktobeing
friends.”

“Butyou’renotevenfriendsanymore.Areyou?Youwalkawayfromhimmostofthe

timesyouseehimoncampusandignorehiscalls.”

“Ineedtime,Iguess.AfterwhatDeandidthenextday,Ihaven’tfeltthesame.”

“Don’tholdback.Whatdidhedo?”

“HemademegetinsidehisclosetwhilehetalkedtoTheoaboutmelikeIwasapuck

bunny. It was awful. While I sat on the floor next to a smelly Brauer bag, it hit me that
we’dmadeamistake.Deanhasbeentryingtoshowmewehaven’t,butIdon’tsharethe
sameopinion.”

“Butyouguyshavebeenfriendsforyears,andhe’spracticallyattachedatthehipto

thetwins.”

“Thetwinsareanotherreasonwhyitwouldneverwork.Mybrothershavetrustedhim

for all these years to look after me. Of course, Duke has always thought there was
somethingmorebetweenDeanandme,butthetwinsdon’tseeitthatway.”

“So,you’regoingtodenyyourfeelingsforDeanbecauseofyourbrothers?Forsucha

smartgirl,youareactinglikeanidiot,Kat.Youwouldhaveyourentirelifemappedout
foryouwithDean.”

“That’sanotherreasonwecan’tbetogether.Wegraduatenextweek,andthen,I’moff

to Chicago for my internship. Dean will go back home to help his mom until the NHL
Draft.Wecan’tdatewhenwelivetwothousandmilesawayfromeachother.”

“It’s not like he wouldn’t stop in Chicago for games, and I’m sure you guys could

worksomethingoutlongdistance.”

“Myparentshadtodothatforyears.Evenbeforemymomhadgottensick,Dukesaid

itwashardforhertonotseemydadforlongperiods.DukeandAustinkepthercompany
andhelpedtakecareofherwhenshegottoosicktodothingsonherown.Mydaddidn’t
haveachoice.Ifhewantedtobeabletoaffordthetreatmentmymomneeded,hehadto
focusonhiscareer.Idon’twanttobeinthatposition.”

“Stopfocusingonthenegatives,”Beccasays,crossingherlegsinfrontofher.“You

shouldn’tshutDeanoutofyourlifebecauseofwhathappenedtoyourparents.”

“Idon’twanttoendupalone,waitingaroundforsomeonewhoishardlyeverhome.If

yougrewupthewayIdid,youwouldunderstand.Mybrothersarelikeparentstome,and
thatcomplicateseverything.”

Beccatapsmeonthekneeandsmiles.“Igetit,trustmeIdo.ButthisisDeanweare

talkingabout.Hewoulddoanythingforyou.”

I nod. Becca is right about Dean. For years, he has been my rock. I have to make

thingsrightbetweenusbeforeit’stoolate.

WAY

tothehealthcenter,IrunintoDean.He’sdressedinblackbasketballshorts

andacut-offshirtthatshowseverydefinitioninhisarms.It’shardnottowanthimwhen
helooksthisgood,butIpromisedmyselfthatwecouldgobacktobeingfriends.AndI
plantosticktothat.

Hooking his arm around my back, Dean pulls me against his side. While this is

normal,hisgesturestillfeelslikesomethingamanwoulddowithhisgirlfriend.Wedid
thistogether,longbeforewehadsex,makingitevenharderformetodistinguishbetween
hisactions.

“I’mgladyoufinallygotoverbeingagirl,”Deansayswithlaughterinhisvoice.

Iglanceupathimandsmirk.“MustIremindyouthatIamagirl,youstupidboy?”

Hewiggleshiseyebrowsatme,andit’ssofuckingcuteIwanttokisshimforit.“Oh,

Iknowyou’reagirl,Kitten.”

“Let’snotmakethisweird,”Itellhim,afraidourconversationwilltakeanotherbad

turn.

Beforewehookedup,conversationsaboutsexwereexactlythat.Ineverspentmuch

time reading into anything, since I never thought Dean was remotely interested in me.
NowthatIhavenoticedtheshiftinhisbehavior,IoveranalyzeeverythingDeansaysand
does.Ihatemyselffordoingit,butIhavetroubleseparatingthosethoughtswhenweare
together.

“Zeroweirdness,”hesays,openingthedoortotheclinicforme.“Afteryou,Kitten.”

Wewalkdownthelonghallinsilence,whichneverbotheredeitherofusbefore.Now,

itfeelsasthoughwehavenoideawhattosaytoeachother.Deantreadslightlyaround
me.Icantellhe’safraidhewilldosomethingwrongthatwillcausemetopushhimaway
again.IfeelhorribleforeverythingIputhimthrough.

Westopinfrontofthecounterandwaitforthewomansittingbehindittolookover

hershoulderandacknowledgeus.

“Ihopeyoudon’thavethatCeliacsstuff,”DeansayssothatonlyIcanhearhim.“I

Googleditlastnight.Itsoundslikeitsucks.Youwouldn’tbeabletoeatdeepdishpizza
anymore.”

Ismileathiswords.“NothingisgoingtostopmefromeatingpizzawhenIgethome.

I’vebeenlookingforwardtoitsincemyseasonended.”

“IwanttocomeforavisitaftertheDraft.Ihavetoseeifthispizzaplaceisworthall

thepraise.”

“Oh,it’sworthit,allright.”

Thenursespinsherchairaroundtofaceus,herfaceexpressionless.“Name,please.”

I press my palms to the desk and lean forward. “Katherine Baldwin. I’m here to see

Dr.Gradyaboutmytestresults.”

She scrolls through the computer and clicks a few buttons. “Is your health insurance

stillthesame?”

“Iwasjustherefourdaysago.”

Shegivesmeaseriouslook.“Yesorno?”

Deancoughstoholdbackhislaughter.

InudgehimonthearmwhilemaintainingeyecontactwithNurseRatched.“Yes,it’s

stillthesame.”

“Great.Haveaseat.”Then,sheturnsaround,asifwewerenevereventhere.

We walk away from the front desk and find a seat close to the entrance door. With

graduation only a few days away, the health center is desolate. The eerie silence in the
roommakestheawkwardnessbetweenDeanandmemorenoticeable.

Whycan’tIputmygirlfeelingsasideandgobacktobeinghisbestfriend?Beforewe

hadsex,IneverhadanissuebeingaroundDean.Wewenteverywheretogetheranddid
everything together. There was never a time where I was uncomfortable talking to him.
I’veeventalkedtohimaboutcrampsandstupidgirlsshit.Henevercaredwhatwetalked
aboutaslongashehadmeinhislife.

Dean holds my hand on his lap as we wait for another nurse, dressed in light blue

scrubs,tostrollthroughadoor.

“KatherineBaldwin,”shesays,staringdownatthechartinherhands.

IpeelmyfingersfromDean’sandgetupfromthechair.Hemirrorsmymovements

andpresseshishandtomybacktohelpmeup.

“That’sme,”Itellthenurse.

“Doyouwantmetocomewithyou?”

IlockeyeswithDeanandshakemyhead.“No,I’llbeokay.Itshouldonlytakeafew

minutesformetotalktothedoctor.”

“I’llwaitouthereforyou.”Hegraspsmyhip,pullingmecloseenoughtoplantakiss

onmyforehead.“Goodluck,Kitten.”

I smile in acknowledgment, before walking alongside the nurse to the back of the

clinic. After the nurse takes my vitals, she notates the information in my chart without
speaking a single word to me. Nervous energy rushes through my body, igniting a fire
beneath my skin. I have always hated doctors, mostly because I grew up with them
comingandgoingfrommyhouse.

MaybeIshouldhavebroughtDeanbackheretokeepmecompany.Hewouldknow

therightthingstosaytocalmmedown.

“Hello,Katherine,”Dr.Gradysayswithaworriedlookonhiswitheredface.“Howare

youfeelingtoday?”

“Worsethanafewdaysago.Mystomachiskillingme.Icanfeelit;Iknowsomething

iswrongwithme.DoIhaveCeliacs?Istoppedeatingglutendaysago.”

Heshakeshisheadandsitsdownonthestoolnexttome.

“YourtestsarenegativeforCeliacdisease.However,Ihadthelabrunafewmoretests

toruleoutotherpossibilities.”Heclosesthechartandsetsitonthetablenexttome.“Did
youknowthatyouarepregnant?”

Myheartspeedsuptoanabnormalratethatevenmyusualbreathingexercisescannot

control.“HowcanIbepregnant?”Holdingmystomach,Ileanforwardandchokeonmy
words.“That’snotpossible.”

“I’mafraidthetestsdonotlie.”

“Buthow?”Ihavetroublebreathing.TheairsucksfrommylungswhenItrytospeak.

“Wesampledyourblood,Katherine.”

“Kat,”Iremindhim.

Henods.

“Look,Kat,youhaveoptions.Iknowthiswasn’tthenewsyouwantedtohearbefore

graduation.”

“No,notevenclose.”Icovermyfacewithmyhandsandsigh.

Howisthishappening?

“Whenwasthelasttimeyouweresexuallyactive?”

Ipeekathimbetweenmyfingers.“Lastmonth.”

“You’re not too far along,” he says, ripping a piece of paper from the pad in his

pocket.“Here’salistofOBGYNsinthearea.Pickoneyoulike,andIcansendthema
referralletteralongwithacopyofyourchart.”

Itakethepaperfromhishand.“I’mmovingbacktoChicago.Doyouhappentoknow

anyonethere?”

“I’mafraidnot.Giveyourinsurancecompanyacall.Theyshouldbeabletohelpyou

findsomeone.”Hegetsupfromthechair,andIstrugglenottocryinfrontofhim.

“Thanks,Doc.”Iholdoutmytremblinghandforhimtoshake.

Hecrushesmyfingerswithhisfirmgrip.“Takecareofyourself,Kat.”

WheneverIhaveaproblem,IruntoDean,exceptnowhe’spartoftheproblem.What

doIdo?Havingababycouldruineverything.Asifthingswerenotbadenoughforus,a
childcoulddriveanevenbiggerwedgebetweenus.

DoItellhim?Fuck.Idon’twanttoruinhisfuturebecauseofamistakethatwasmy

idea.Now,Ihavetomakeadecision,onethatcouldchangebothofourlivesforever.

C H A P T E R 1 5

SeniorYear

ean

HEART

PLUMMETS

intomystomachwhenIseethelookonKat’sfaceasshewalksinto

thewaitingroom.Sheflashesafakesmileinmydirection,butIknowherwellenoughto
tell something is wrong. I get up from the chair, filling the space between us within
seconds.

Hooking my arm around her back, I pull Kat into my chest. “What did the doctor

say?”

Sheholdsherhandsuptoherface,beginstosob,andleansherheadonmyshoulder.

Icradleherheadandkissherhair.“Whyareyoucrying?DoyouhaveCeliacs?Talk

tome,Kitten.”

Mywordsonlycausehertocryharder.Shedoesn’trespond,soIwhisperinherear

that it will be okay. For once, I have no idea what to say. Our relationship has been so
strainedthatIamatalossforwords.

After a few minutes, her body stops convulsing, and she peels her face from my

shoulder.Myshirtissoakedinhertears.

Ipushthehairfromherdampcheeksandwipeawayhertearswithmythumbs.“It’s

okay, Kitten. A gluten allergy is not the end of the world. I will help you research what
foodstoavoid.Youshouldn’tbeeatingcarbsanyway.”

ThecarbcommentprovokesatinysmilefromKat.“Iguessyoudon’tneedthatdeep

dishpizzaafterall.”

“Icanmakeexceptions,”Isaywithawink.

“YoualwaysknowtherightthingstosaywhenIneedtohearthem.”

“At least you’re smiling.” I run my thumb along her bottom lip, my expression

mirroringhers.“Everythingwillworkout,Kitten.Italwaysdoes.”

“Thanks,Dean.”Shethreadsherfingersbetweenmine.“Let’sgetoutofhere.Ihave

togobacktothedormandpack.”

“Ican’tbelievewegraduatetomorrow.I’mgonnamissyouthissummer.”

“Iwillmissyou,too,”shesaysunderherbreath.

Steeringherthroughthelobbyandoutofthebuilding,Iclingtoherfordearlife.The

finality about tomorrow knots my stomach, making it hard for me to think of anything
otherthanourfinalgoodbyes.Maybesomedistancewilldousgood.Thatseemedtohelp
Katcomebackaround.ButasmallpartofmeisterrifiedIwillloseherforeveroncewe
partways.

BythetimeIwalkKattoherroom,hertearshavedriedup,replacedbyasullenlook

onherbeautifulface.Itkillsmetoseeherlikethis.

Katdropsontoherbedandpullsmedownwithher.“Ineedyou,Dean.Holdmewhile

Isleep.”Sherollsontohersidewithherbackfacingme.

IgetcomfortablewithKatandwrapmyarmaroundherstomach.Sheslipsherfingers

between mine and holds my hand against her skin. We haven’t been this close to each
othersincethemorningthateverythingfellapart.IfonlyIcouldturnbacktimeandhitthe
resetbutton.

“I wish I could be with you over the summer, Kitten. Who will hold you when I’m

gone?”

She shrugs against my chest. “Austin or Duke will lay with me like they always do.

WeusuallyfallasleepwatchingNetflixtogetheranyway.”

“YouBaldwinshavesomeweirdhabits,”Isay.

“Toyou,maybe,buttous,ourritualsarenormal.Ifyouhadbrothers,youwouldget

it.Withmebeingtheonlygirl,thingswerealwaysdifferent.DukeandAustinbabiedme
todeathandwatchedovermeasifIwouldbreakinhalf.Theystilldo.”

“Dukeisalittletoooverprotectiveofyou.”

“I remind him of our mom, and he was super close to her. He promised her that he

wouldlookafterme.”

“He’snotlikethatpurelyoutofobligationtoyourmom.”

“I guess not, but I know that has something to do with why he’s up my ass about

everything.Dukeworriesaboutme.SodoesAustin.”

“Theo and Tucker do, too. They talk about you all the time. For the last few weeks,

theyhavebeenworriedaboutyou.TheysworethatIwasthereasonyouweren’taround
andthatIdidsomethingtohurtyou.Weevengotintoitonenightwhenwehadtoomuch
todrink.”

“Sorryaboutthat.”Shesqueezesmyhand.“Ineededtimetothinkthingsthrough.”

“Ifiguredasmuch.That’swhyIgaveyousomespace.ButImissedyoulikecrazythe

entiretime.”

“Same here. Now that we’re graduating tomorrow and going back home, I wish I

hadn’tcreatedthisdividebetweenus.Weshouldhavespentourlastfewweekstogether,
notapart.”

“IpromisetocomeouttoChicagoandstaywithyouaftertheNHLDraft,evenifit’s

onlyforafewdaysoraweek.Mymomneedsmyhelparoundthehouse.Idon’twantto
leaveherbyherselffortoolongwhenIhadtodoitallyearforschool.”

“There’snothingmoreimportantthanfamily,”shesays.“Icompletelyunderstand.”

“IhopeIgetpickedupbyateam,”Iadmit.

“You’reoneofthebestcenterstheNHLwilleverfind.It’snotamatterofgettinga

spotonateam;it’swhereyouwillendup.”

“I’dliketobeasclosetoyouaspossible.”

“YouhatetheBlackhawks.Couldyouplayformyhometeam?”Shelaughsandleans

backenoughtodigherassintomythigh,remindingmeofournighttogether.

It’shardnottothinkaboutKatinthatwayafterbeinginsideher.Imissthatpartofour

relationship,too.Butwhatwehadwasn’tjustsex.Itwassomuchmore.Atleastitwasto
me.

“Iwouldplayforanyteamthatwantsme.Myprofessionalcareerhasnothingtodo

withmypersonalfeelings.”

“Ifyoucouldchooseanyteamintheleague,webothknowyouwouldgowithTampa

Bay.”

“That’smyhometeam.Ofcourse,Iwould.”

Shesighs.“FloridafeelssofarawayfromChicago.”

“It’s only a plane ride away,” I tell her, stroking her hair. “No matter where I go or

whichteampicksmeup,Iwillstillbehereforyou.”

“Iknow,Dean.”Sheletsoutanexaggeratedsigh.“Ihavetotellyousomethingbefore

weleavecampustomorrow.”

“Whatisit?”Herwordscausemystomachtoturnfromtheanxietythatbrewsfrom

within.

“I…”Shehesitates,chokingonherwordsafewmoretimes,beforeshesays,“I—”

“It’sokay,Kitten.Youdon’thavetobenervouswithme.”

“I’mnotsurehowtosaythis,”shemutters.“I’m…”Shestopsherselfagain,butthis

time,shebeginstocry.

Her sobs are low, and as I clutch Kat tighter, her body trembles from how hard she

cries.IclosemyeyesandsayasilentprayerthattheBlackhawksselectmeintheNHL
Draft.KatneedsmejustasmuchasIneedher.

SCRAPED

TOGETHER

enoughmoneyfromworkingatthepizzashopoffcampustoflymy

momtoPhiladelphiaformygraduation.ThesmileonherfaceasIheldthefakediploma
inmyhandmadethelastfouryearsworthit.Everythingshesacrificedtogetmetothis
pointhasfinallycomefullcircle.

AfterIfindKat,whowasseatedafewrowsinfrontofme,wemakeourwayontothe

lawn out front of the event center at Strickland University. The guests shuffle out in
waves,thesheernumberofpeoplemakingitimpossibletoseethroughthecrowd.

Kathadsentmymomthelightpinksundressshe’swearing,whichmakesiteasierfor

ustospother.Mymomhasthegraduationprograminherhandandthecameraaroundher
wrist.Icallouttohertogetherattention,andsheholdsherhanduptoherforeheadto
blockthesunfromhereyes.Shesmilesonceshespotsus,andImoveforwardtofillthe
distancebetweenus.

“Dean,”shesays,wrappingherarmsaroundmymiddle.“Iamsoproudofyou,baby.”

Sheleansherheadonmychestforafewseconds,beforeIreleasemyholdonher.

“Noneofthiswouldhavebeenpossiblewithoutyou,Mom.”Ikissheronthecheek.

“Thankyou.Foreverything.”

Shecupsthesideofmyfacewithherhand.“Noneedtothankme.Itwasallpartof

myjob.”

“Youdidanamazingjob.”IwinkandgivemymomonemorekissbeforeIreleaseher

frommygrip.

Afewloudvoicesblockoutmymother’snextwords,drawingmyattentiontothemen

behindus.Iglanceovermyshoulder,abouttotellthemtoshutup,whenIspotDukeand
AustinliftingKatupofftheground.Theyhoistherontotheirshoulders.

Kat covers her face with her hands when they start to parade her around the lawn,

chanting something I can’t even make out over Kat yelling at them. The Baldwins have
thestrangesttraditions.Thismustbeanotheroneofthem.Herdadjoinsinontheirvictory
dance,accompaniedbyTheoandTucker.

“WeshouldgosaveKat,”Itellmymom.

Shesmilesupatme.“Goahead,baby.I’llberightbehindyou.”

“I’mnotleavingyoubehindtogettrampledon.”Ithreadmyfingersthroughhersand

dragmymomalongsidemetocatchupwithKatandherfamily.

OnceNicknoticesmymomandme,hetellstheboystostopbotheringKatandcomes

overtous.“Emma,”hesays,touchingmymotherontheshoulderwithasmile.“Howare
you?”SheleansintohugKat’sdad.

I saw Nick before the ceremony, so I walk away from them, as they exchange

pleasantries, to say my goodbye to Kat. My stomach knots as I walk toward her. I have
been dreading this moment all week. What will happen once Kat goes home? We both
havetowork,eventhoughKatdoesn’tneedthemoney.

Whenwelockeyes,Katstepsawayfromherbrothersandstrollsovertome,throwing

herselfintomyarms.“Iamgoingtomissyou.”Shewhispersthewordsagainstmyneck.

“IdoubtasmuchasIwillmissyou,Kitten.”

Katpeelsherfacefrommyneckandlooksupatmewithasmile.“Ihategoodbyes.”

“Me,too,butthisisn’tgoodbye.”

Shenods.“Right,Iwillseeyouintwomonths.”

“TheDraftwillbehereinnotime.”

“And we’ll all be there to cheer you on.” Kat motions to her family, who will be

presentfortheNHLDraft.

Movingherhanduptomyface,sheleansin,asifshe’sabouttokissmeonthelips.

Myentirebodystillsbecauseofthepeoplewatchingaroundus.Butshemovestotheleft
ofmymouthandkissesmeonthecheek.“Takecareofyourself,Dean.I’llseeyousoon.”
Herwordscomeoutmuffledasifshe’stryingtohidehertears.

Forthepastfewyears,wehaverepeatedthesamegoodbyeonthefrontlawn.Butthis

one feels different. This goodbye has a palpable finality to it. Our college lives are over
nowthatweareonestepclosertomovingonwithourcareers.

Ibrushthehairfromherfaceandplantakissonherforehead.“Callmewhenyouget

home.Okay?”

Hereyesareglassy,butthetearshaveyettospilldownherface.Maybeitwasbest

thatwedidthisinpublicbecausewewouldbothbeamessrightnowifwewerealone.I
wouldn’t have the strength to let her go if we did this in one of our bedrooms. Kat has
beenmyworldforsolongthatnothavingherpartofmydailylifewillbehard.

“I’llcallyouassoonasmyplanelands,”shesays.

“Howabouttonightinstead?IpromisedmymomIwouldtakehertodinnerwhenwe

gethome.Shehasn’thadanythinggoodtoeat,otherthanfoodfromthediner,inalong
time.”

“Ofcourse.Havefunwithyourmom.Wecantalkbeforebed.”

ThethoughtofKatinbedmakesmethinkofhowshelookedinmine.Wewillnever

be able to erase what we did in the past. Some part of me will always think of Kat
romantically,especiallyaftersharingthatpartofmyselfwithher.Itwasn’tjustsexforme,
eventhoughIledKattobelievethatitwasforalongtime.Maybethatwasmymistake,
oneIwillhavetolivewithforever.

“Textmewhenyouland,andI’lldothesame.”

Sheforcesasmiletohidethepain,mirroringmyexpression.

“Thisisn’tgoodbye,Kitten,rememberthat.”

Whilemywordssayonething,herfacesaysanother.ForKat,thisisgoodbye.Ihave

to show her that our story is not over. Everything will change for the better if the NHL
draftsme.Havingenoughmoneytotakecareofmymomandmovearoundthecountry
will allow me to see Kat more often. It will also give us a chance to become more than
friends.

C H A P T E R 1 6

Summeraftergraduation

ITH

THE

ENTIRE

Baldwin clan home for the summer, we have been living by the pool,

drinking and partying, except I had to swap out mojitos for flavored water. Too busy
gettingtananddrunk,mybrothersstillhaven’tcaughtontothefactthatIhaven’thadany
alcohol.AndIstillhaven’tdaredtotellDeanaboutthebaby.

Sitting in a lounge chair by the pool, I read a book, ignoring my brothers, who are

playingawatergametogether.

Dukeswimsovertomeandsplashesmyfeet.“Hey,Kit-Kat,getyourassinhere.We

needanotherplayer.”

IlookupfrommybookandflashDukeawickedgrin.“Youguysdon’tneedme.The

teamsareeven.”

“Theoisacheater.Ineedyouonmyteam.Now,getinherebeforeIhavetocomeup

thereandthrowyouin.”

“It’stoohot,andIliketheshade.”Ipointattheumbrellaovermyhead.

“Whatever.You’renofunanymore,”Dukegrunts.

For the past few weeks, the heat has made my stomach turn like crazy. Even sitting

outsideandwatchingmybrothershasbeensomewhatofachore.ButIdon’twantthemto
suspectanythingiswrong.AtleastnotuntilIhavetoadmitthetruthaboutmycondition.

Ihatemyselfforreferringtothechildthatisgrowinginsidemeasmycondition.Istill

haven’tcometotermswitheverything.IwastheonewhowastoodrunktotellDeanto
useacondom.Hewassousedtomebeingonbirthcontrolthatitwasn’tevenathought.
ButIhadstoppedmypillsafewmonthsbeforewehadsex,allbecausetheyweregiving
mewickedmigrainesthedoctorcouldonlyattributetothepills.

It’snotlikeIhadsexwithDeaneveryweekoreveneverymonth.Thefewtimesafter

he took my virginity were drunken make out sessions that turned into more. I hadn’t
plannedforittohappenagain.

Either way, I made a mistake, and with his family’s financial stress, I didn’t want to

addanothercomplication.EversincehemovedbacktoFloridawithhismom,Deanhas
donenothingbutwork.Hedeliverspizzasatnightanddoesmanuallaborforaplumbing
companyintheday.Irespectthehelloutofhimforhisworkethic.

Whenitcomestofamily,Iknowfirst-handthatDeanwouldbeanamazingfatherand

provider.ButIfeelguilty,notwantingtoaddthistohisplate.TheNHLissupposedtobe
hisfreshstart,hischancetomakesomethingofhimself.Ican’tbetheonetoruinhislife.
Afterhegetssomegoodnews,Iwilltellhimaboutourchild.

“Don’tgoeasyonher,”Austinsays,comingupfrombehindDuke.“Getinhere,Kat.”

Ofallmybrothers,AustinistheoneIconnectwithmost.WhileDukewasmoreofa

father figure in my life, with all his rules and structure, Austin was the fun brother who
helpedmewithmyhomeworkandtookmeoutforicecream.Wealsohavelessofanage
differencebetweenus.

AustinknowsIwouldneversaynotohim.Damnhim.

Imovemyhandtothesideofmystomachandgetupfromthechair.Eversincemy

bellystartedtogrow,Ihavebeendoingthis.Isitahabit,ormaybeamotherlyinstinct?I
don’tknow,butIhavetostop.IfoneofmybrothersnoticesthiswhenIgetbigger,they
willgivemehellfornottellingthem.Theywouldalsotreatmedifferentlythantheydo
now,andIdon’twantmorespecialtreatmentthanIalreadygetfromthem.

Noonecanknowaboutthebaby.Well,atsomepoint,Iwon’tbeabletohideit.Until

then,Iwanttokeepthistomyself.Ireadonlinethatyoushouldwaittwelveweeksbefore
youtellanyone,justtobesure.I’malmostthatfaralong,whichmeansIhavetotellDean
soon. But I don’t want to ruin his big moment. He deserves to celebrate one of the best
daysofhislifewithoutmebringinghimdown.

I tug at the seam of the oversized shirt covering my bathing suit, turning away from

mybrothers.Eventhoughtheyhaven’tnoticed,Iswearmybumpismorevisibleeachday.
MaybeIamjustparanoidthatsomeonewilldiscovermysecretbeforeIhavethechance
totellthem.

Before I pull the shirt over my head to get in the pool, my cell phone rings. I lean

forwardtoseethenameontheCallerIDandpickitupfromthetablewithasmile.Ipress
thephonetomyearandcradleitwithmyneck.“Hey,Dean.”

“Hey,Kitten.Iwantedtocallyouonmylunchbreaktogiveyoumyflightinfo.”

“Getoffthephone,Kit-Kat,”Dukeyellsbehindfromme.

“Who’sshetalkingto?”TheosaystoDuke.

“Whodoyouthink?Herboyfriend,”Dukedeadpans.

IspinaroundtogiveDukemebestrestingbitchface.

“Dean,” Theo says, confused. The twins have never seen the connection I have with

Deanasanythingmorethanfriendship,whichisweird,consideringtheyaresoclose.“Let
metalktohim.”

Deanisramblingoffhisflightinformationtome,allofwhichImissbecauseofmy

brothersyellingthingsinmydirection.

Icoverthereceiverwithmyhand.“Willyoubequiet?Allofyou.I’monthephone.”

Then,IremovemyhandtoapologizetoDean.

“Ifyouneedtodealwiththem,”Deansays,“Icancallyoulater.”

“No,that’sokay.Theyhavemealldayandcanwait.”

“Gee,thanks,”Theosays,pretendingtobemadatme.

“TellTheoI’llcallhimlater,”Deansays.

“Deanwillcallyoulater.Now,allofyougoawaysothatIcanhearhim.”Ithrowmy

handoutinfrontofmetoshoothemaway.

Surprisingly,theylistentomeandswimbacktothedeependofthepool.Isitdown

onthechairandbackundertheumbrella,thesweatdrippingdownmyface.“Sorryabout
that,”ItellDean.“Theyaresoannoyingsometimes.”

“Theycareaboutyou,Kitten.There’snothingwrongwiththat.”

I sigh. “Nope. So, tell me what you have been up to this week. I haven’t had much

time.Theboysarealwaysupmyass,andyou’vebeenworkinginsanehours.”

“The foreman asked me to work overtime. We had to dig ditches all morning to lay

sewerpipesthisafternoon,andit’saboutamilliondegreesdownhere.”

“Floridaistoohumidforme.Idon’tknowhowyoucandoallthatworkinthesun.”

“Easy,”hesays,laughing,“theypayme.Ihavetosuckitupanddowhatevertheyask.

Theovertimemoneyisgood,andmymomcoulduseit.”

“IhatethatyouhavetoworksomuchwhileIlaybythepoolandgetatan.Thisisso

unfair.”

“Lifeisn’tfair,butyouhavetodowhatyougottado.”Hisdeepvoiceputsmeatease,

forcingmyeyesshut.

“Youshouldbeatabarbecue,notsweatingyourassoff.”

“Itiswhatitis,”hesays.“Theypayovertime,whichishardtogetaroundhere.I’ll

takewhatIcanget.”

Hiswordscausemyhearttoache.DeanisexactlythekindofmanIshouldbewith,

yetIpulledawayfromhimwhenwewerestilloncampus.Amanwhowouldkillhimself
tomakemoneytofeedhisfamilyisalsothefatherourbabyneeds.So,whyisitsohardto
tellhim?Iopenmymouthtotryforthemillionthtime,andnothingcomesout.Notevena
squeak.

Abeatpassesbetweenusbeforehesays,“Thingswillchangesoonenough.”

“One more week,” I tell him, smiling like a fool. “You won’t have to work so hard

anymore.”

He laughs. “No, I’ll have to work harder. Even if I get a spot on an NHL team, that

doesn’tmeanmylifewillbeeasy.Ihavetoearntherighttostayontheteam.”

“Yeah,that’strue,butthingswillgetbetteronceyou’redrafted.Lookatwhatitdidfor

mydadandbrothers.”

“Coming,”Deanyells,holdingthephoneawayfromhismouth.“Hey,Kitten.Ihave

togo.Lunchisover,andIhavetogetbacktowork.”

“Takecareofyourself,Dean.”

“Always.”

Then,thelinegoesdead,leavingmewiththesameregretandshameIfeeleverytime

wetalk.IhavetotellDeanaboutthebabywhenhecomeshereforhisvisit.Heneedsto
knowthetruth.

INCE

THE

NHL D

RAFT

wasattheUnitedCenter,IonlyhadashortdrivetoChicagoto

watch as Dean walked up onto the stage and claimed his place with the Philadelphia
Flyers. My heart swelled with pride over his accomplishment. But it also sunk into my
stomachwhenIrealizedwewouldbesofarapart.

Forawhile,thenewscoveragemadeitlookasthoughtheBlackhawkswouldselect

Deaninthefirstround,whichiswhyItoldhimtowaitandseehowtheDraftturnedout
beforewemadeanyplans.Fateisnotourfriend.Ithoughtfatewouldbringustogether,
onlyforittotearusapart.

AftermydadandbrotherscongratulateDean,welcominghimintotheleague,hestruts

towardmewiththeFlyershatinhishand.Hewrapshisarmsaroundme,liftingmeupin
theprocess.

“I’msoproudofyou,Dean.”Ihookmyarmsaroundhisneckandleanforwardtokiss

him on the cheek. “I knew you would make it this round. Are you excited about going
backtoPhilly?”

Heshrugs.“Yeah,Iguess.AtleastIknowthecityandTheoandTuckerwillbethere

tofuckoffwithwhenI’mhome.”

“ItsoundsweirdtohearyousayhomewhentalkingaboutPhilly.”

“Itwasbothofourhomesforthelastfouryears.”

“Speakingofhome,areyoureadyforyourweekwiththeBaldwins?TuckerandTheo

havebeenplanningyourvisitallweek.”

Heraiseshiseyebrowsincuriosity.“Isthatagoodorbadthing?”

“Iguessitdependsifyouliketheirsurprises.”

Deanchuckles,andhislaughteriscontagious.

FTER

GET

BACK

to my house, Theo and Tucker steal Dean away from me to shoot

poolintherecroom,followedbybowling.Ifeellikesuchapretentiousassforhavinga
six-lanebowlingalleyinourbasement.Mydadhaditbuiltsothateachofuswouldhave
alane,whichmakesitevenmoreridiculous.

OtherthanBecca,DeanistheonlyotherpersonIeverinvitedtothemonstrositywe

callahouse.Asamegafanboyofmyfather’s,Deanalreadyknewwewererichfromthe
start.Justinvitinghimtobowlinourbasementmakesmefeellikewearerubbingitinhis
face. All summer, Dean has been killing himself doing manual labor, and we have
everythingyoucouldeverimagineonourproperty.

Thetwinstalkedusintoanall-nightbowlingmarathon,fullofbingedrinkingandjunk

food.WithhowhungryIhavebeenlately,Idevouredatonofsnacks,allwhileswapping
outmybeersforgingerale.

Theo spins around after another strike and slides toward us in his bowling shoes.

They’re not the goofy clown kind they have at alleys, more like the shoes worn by the
proswiththereplaceablesoles.Still,wealllookstupidinthem.Forsomereason,mine
arenowtootight,makingithardertowalkinthem.

“You’reup,Kit-Kat,”Theoshouts,cuppinghishandsaroundhismouth.

“Icanhearyouwithoutalltheyelling,”Iretort,gettingupfromthechair.

DeanstaresattheplacementofmyhandonthesideofmystomachasifhecantellI

havegainedsomeweight.Shit.Panicked,Iquicklydropmyarmtomysideandstepupto
take my turn. I search for my ball on the return and shove my fingers inside the grips.
Austinhadallofourballsdrilledwiththesestupidinsertsinside.Heswearstheyhelpgive
theballabetterspinwhenhe’skickingourasses.

Well aware of Dean watching me, I tuck my elbows in, hoping to hide my stomach

from view, and move up the lane to throw the ball. It sails off my fingertips, spinning
towardtheheadpin,andmakesaslightleft,leavingthreepinsbehind.

“You’re not gonna beat us with shots like that,” Tucker says once I turn around. He

poundstherestofhisbeerandburpsinmyear,asIwalkpasthim.

“Thanks,idiot.”Icovermyhandovermyearandfrownathim.

“C’mon, Kat.” Tucker wraps his arms around me, holding me in place. “Stop being

suchabuzzkill.”

Theocomesupfrombehindusandsqueezesthelifeoutofme.Oncetheyreleaseme

from their grip, Tucker grabs a beer from the table and hands it to me. Even if I could
drink, Tucker poured it before we started the game. The temperature alone would cause
mystomachtoturn.

I push my hand out in front of me and shake my head. “No, that’s okay. I’m still

workingontheoneIhave.”TheglassIdumpedoutandfilledwithgingerale.

Ihadsnuckbehindthebarwhiletheywerebusyarguingoverthescoreandreplaced

thebeerwithsoda.Forappearancesake,itlookssimilarenough.Butbecauseofthelack
offoam,Ihaven’ttouchedmydrinkformostofthegame,afraidtodrawattention.

“You’ve been nursing it to death.” Theo attempts to hand me the beer again. “Drink

up.”

Irefusehimoncemore.“Mystomachisstillbotheringme,okay?”

“Yousaythatallthetime,”Theoadds.

Dean gets up from his chair and comes to my rescue. “You guys are just mad that

we’rewipingthefloorwithyoursorryasses.”

Theo blows out a puff of air, spitting some his beer on us in the process. “Bullshit.

You’rebeatingusbytwelvepoints.Wecanmakethatupbytheendofthegame.”

“It’sdrunkbowlingforareason.”Tuckerpointshisfingeratme.“Katischeating.”

“We don’t need to be sober to beat you.” Dean hooks his arm around my back and

pullsmeintohisside.

“Whatever.” Theo chugs the beer he had handed to me. “Your turn, bro,” he says to

Tucker.

After Tucker finishes another mug of warm beer, he slams it down on the table and

walksovertotheballreturn.IsitnexttoDeanandleanmyheadonhisshoulderasifno
timehaspassed.

“Areyoustilleatinggluten-freefood?”

Dean’swordscausemetostillforamoment.

IhatethatIhavebeenlyingtohimandeveryoneelseaboutmyfakeglutenallergy.I

evenhadourchefstartcookingmemealswithoutgluten,allwhileIsneaksnackswitha
loadofcarbsuptomybedroom.

ItwasthebestthingIcouldcomeupwithafterBeccahadmentionedittome.Back

then,IthoughttherewasapossibilityIhadtheallergy,onlytofindoutmyconditionis
justaspermanent.Now,I’mstucklyingtothepeopleIlovebecauseI’mtoomuchofa
coward to tell them the truth. My dad even donated money to the Celiac Disease
Foundation, which made me feel even worse for lying. At least my lies could help the
organizationfindacure.

Still,Ishouldcomeclean,especiallywhileDeanishere.Butmaybethatwouldbean

even worse idea. What would Duke do to Dean if he found out this way? I don’t even
wanttothinkaboutit.Plus,itwouldruinDean’strip.Theonlyvacationsheeverhadwere
the ones where I paid to fly him to my house. He needs this break from normal life as
muchasIneedhimhereforselfishreasons.

“Yeah,why?Youwannatrysomeofmyfood,”Ijoke,nudgingDeaninthearmwith

myelbow.“It’syummy.”

“Iwasneverabigcarbeaterlikeyou,”hesays.“ButIthoughtyouweresupposedto

getbetterafteryoustoppedeatingjunkfood.”

I shrug. My guilt causes the bile to creep up from stomach, choking me. “I guess it

takestimetoworkitswayoutofmysystem.”

“Iworryaboutyou,Kitten.Youalwaysputeveryoneelsebeforeyourself.”

Irubmyhandonhisthigh.“I’mfine.”

Heglancesdownatmyhand,andIswearhesucksinadeepbreath.Ourproximityhas

mealltooawareofthereactionIhaveonDeanandtheonehehasoverme.Deanpinsme
downwithhisintensegaze.Thistime,Iamtheoneholdingmybreath.

NomatterhowhardItrytoshakethisfeelinginthepitofmystomach,Ifail.Afterwe

venturedintounchartedwaters,mybestfriendwillalwayshavethiseffectonme.Wewill
neverbethesame.Andourchildchangeseverything.IfonlyIcouldgetupthecourageto
tellhim.

C H A P T E R 1 7

OneweekaftertheNHLDraft

ean

FTER

GRUELING

SUMMER

,IneededthisweekofffromlifetohangoutwithKatandher

brothers.Buttomorrowmyvacationisover.Ourliveswillchangedramaticallyinthenext
few months. I’d hoped for the Draft to bring me to Chicago so that I could be closer to
Kat,butwehaveeitherbadluckorshittytiming.Maybealittleofboth.

Staringupattheceilingoftheguestroom,IlayflatonmybackandthinkofKat.We

spentmostofourtimewiththetwinsthisweek,withhardlyanyalonetimetoourselves.I
havetosneakoutofmybedroomtoseeKat.Withthetwinsinthebedroomsnexttome,I
haven’tgottenfar.

Two nights ago, I attempted to see Kat, only to run into Theo at the hall bathroom.

Every night before that, there was something that kept us from being together. But not
tonight.IhaveallofsixhoursbeforeIgetonaplane,andIrefusetospendthemwithout
Kat.

Ichecktheclockonthebedsidetableandhopethetwinsaresleeping.JustbecauseI

haven’theardasoundinoveranhourdoesn’tmeanathingwhenitcomestothetwins.
Theodrankenoughbeertoknocktwogrownmenontheirasses.Tuckerwentalongwith
him.Katwasn’tdrinkingagain,soIfollowedherleadanddranksoda.I’dratherweboth
besoberforthefewhourswehavelefttogether.

ThedoorcreakswhenIopenit,forcingmetowaitafewsecondsbeforeIstepintothe

darkhallway.Foronce,thehouseisquiet.Ishutthedoorbehindme,walkingonmytippy
toes toward Kat’s room, keeping my fingers crossed that no one wakes up. Her dad and
olderbrothershaveroomsontheflooraboveus,whichmakesthiseasier,butTuckerand
Theoarelightsleepers.Eventheslightestcreakcouldbringthemintothehallway.

Luck must be on our side for once because I make it to Kat’s room without anyone

noticing.Iturntheknobandpushmywayintotheroom,lockingthedoorbehindme.

Katflicksonthelampnexttoherbed,thesoftlightilluminatingherface.Sherubsher

eyewiththebackofherhand.

“Wereyousleeping?”Iwhisperandcometowardher.

“No,Itried,butIallIdidwastossandturn.”Shepatsthespaceonthemattressnext

toher.“Getinhereandsnugglewithme.MaybeI’llgetsomesleepwithyounexttome.”

I crawl in beside Kat and roll onto my side, staring down at her, as I slide my arm

underherhead.“IhavetotellyousomethingbeforeIleave.”

“Me,too,”shesaysunderherbreath.“Yougofirst.”

I dip down, so that my breath touches her lips, and say, “I love you, Kitten. I just

wantedyoutoknowthat.”

“Iloveyou,too,Dean.”Shereachesuptotouchmyfacewithherhand.

“ImeanIloveyouasmorethanafriend.Iwanttomakethisworkbetweenus.”

“Oh.”Shetiltsherheadtothesideandbitesherlip.“Wehadthisconversationmonths

ago.Idon’tseehowwecandothatwithyoulivinginPhillyandmeinChicago.”

Islidemyhandacrossherstomachandontoherhip,forcinghertolookatme.“We

canmakeitwork,wealwayshave.”

“Goingafewmonthswithoutseeingeachotheroverthesummerbreakfromcollegeis

notthesamething,Dean.Youhavetoliveinanothercityandtravelformostoftheyear.I
go through this with my dad and brothers. It’s hard not to see them. It would be even
worsewithyou.”

“It’sbetterthannotseeingmeatall.Ineedyouinmylife,Kitten.”

“You’remybestfriend,Dean.Isthatnotenough?”

Ishakemyhead.“Notanymore.”

“Then,I’mnotsurewehaveanythinglefttotalkabout.”

“Meaningwhat?Thatyoudon’tevenwanttobefriends?Youknowhowharditisfor

metopourmyheartouttoyou,andnow,youhavenothinglefttosaytome?”

“I’msorry,Dean.Iwishthingsweredifferent.Fornow,allwecanbeisfriends.Don’t

youseethat?Wewouldonlysetourselvesupforfailure.Youwouldspendallyourtime
missingmeandmeyou,andthat’sadistractionyoudon’tneed.”

“Youcouldneverbeadistraction,”Iconfess.“Iaminlovewithyou,Kitten.Mylifeis

notcompletewithoutyouinit.”

“Howaboutwetryoutfriendswithbenefitsandseehowthatgoes?”

“Seriously?”

Katnods.“Yeah,Ikindofmissbeingwithyou,butIdon’tthinkarelationshipisright

forus.Atleastnotnow.YouaretheonlymanIhaveeverbeenwith.Iwantsomethingto
remember before we part ways again.” She moves my hand from her hip and slides it
betweenherthighs.Andshe’snotwearinganyunderwear.“Iwanttospendtherestofthe
timewehavetogetherinthisbed.”

“Butwhatabout—”

ShecutsmeoffbeforeIcanfinishmythought.“HowaboutImakeyouadeal?”

“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”

“Thelasttimeweweretogetherwewerebothdrunk.Itdidn’thelpthatIhadtohide

onthefloorinyourclosetwhileyoutalkedaboutmetomybrother.”

“I’mstillsorryaboutthat,”Itellher,strokingherjawwithmythumb.“IwishIcould

changeeverythingthathappenedthatmorning.”

“WhatIwasgoingtosayisthatmaybeweneedado-over.”Kattakesmyfingerand

slidesitalongherslickfolds.

Isuckinadeepbreath.

“Maybeweshouldgivethisonemoretry.”

“Ihavetoconvinceyouwithsex?”Ilaughattheidea.“AndhereIthoughtIalready

didthat.”

ShemoanswhenIfinallytakechargeandshovemyfingersinsideher.

“Isthiswhatyouwant,Kitten?”Iquickenmypaceandleanoverher.

Shecloseshereyesandpurrs.“Uh-huh.”

“Good,becauseIwantyoutocomeforme.”

“I’mstartingtoloveDirtyDeanalotmorethanIusedto.”Shesaysthiswithasmile.

Her lips part for me when I kiss her, starting slow and passionate, the intensity

growing with each thrust inside her. Kat palms the back of my head to deepen the kiss,
slowlymakingherwaydownmyback.

Sherunsherpalmovermysix-packandslipsherhandinsidemyboxerstostrokemy

shaft.Itrytofocusonanythingotherthanhowgoodherwarmhandfeelswrappedaround
me.Thesoundsthatescapeherlipsonlymakemeharderandmoreanxioustoreleasethe
tensionfrommybody.

WhenKatcomesforme,Istiflehermoanswithmymouth,kissingheruntilherbody

stopsconvulsing.Igrabherhand,tellinghertostopsothatIcanslidemyboxersovermy
hips.Positioningmyselfbetweenherlegs,Istaredownatmybestfriend,myKitten,the
onlygirlIhaveeverloved.Shelooksbeautifulwithherblondehairfannedoutaroundher
head.ForallIknow,thiscouldbethelastnightwehavetogether.Iwanttomakeevery
secondcount.

Iliftherlegovermyshoulder,positioningmyselfatherentrancebeforeIinchmyself

insideherwetness.Ileanforwardtosuckonherbottomlipandslipmytongueintoher
mouth.Witheachkiss,ourfriendshipandthelinesthatwehavealreadycrossedbecome
evenmoreblurred.Butnothinghaseverfeltsorighttome.

TheanimalisticpassionIhaveforKatconsumesme,beggingtobreakfree.Shecovers

her mouth with the pillow once I lift her other leg over my shoulder. We share a deep
connection that I have never felt for anyone other than Kat. Our level of intimacy is
different.MyworldstartsandendswithKat.ForaslongasIhaveknownher,noother
womanhascomeclose.

AsIpickupthepace,hereyeswiden,andshebitesdownonthepillow.Withhereyes

focusedonme,thelookofpureecstasyinthemforcesmetopoundintoherharder,faster.
Herbodyconvulsesoncemore,thegripshehasonmetightening.Althoughmuffledby
thefabric,herscreamreachesthesilentair.

Panic sets in for a moment. I don’t want this to end, but the thought of the Baldwin

brothersbreakingdownthedoortointerruptuscausesmetomovefaster.

Sheletsoutonelastsigh,watchingme,asIfindmyrelease.Icollapseontopofher

andkissherlipsbeforerollingontothemattressnexttoher.

Did I convince her that we could have more? I hope so because my love for Kat is

true. After we last had sex, I was confused and unsure of how to separate my feelings.
Aftermonthsapart,whatIfeltforherbackincollegehasonlygrownstronger.Buthow
wouldthiswork?She’srightaboutnotseeingeachotherformostoftheyear.

ImovethepillowbehindmyheadandKatcurlsupnexttometorestherheadonmy

chest.“Whycouldn’ttheBlackhawkspickyouinsteadoftheFlyers?”

Ilaughandplantakissonherforehead.“BecauseIhavebadluck.”

Shedragsherfingeralongmyjawandsmiles.“Iwishwecouldfindawaytomake

thiswork.”

Herwordsarelikeapunchtothegut.“Wecan,”Itellher.“Iwillfindaway.”

“Iguesswecanseewhathappens.Maybeourluckwillchange.”

“Evenifitdoesn’t,Iwilldoeverythinginmypowertobewithyou,Kitten.”

Shesmiles.“Weshouldgetsomesleep.Yourflightleavesinafewhours.”

“Icansleepontheplane.”Igrabherbythehipsandpullherontopofme.Herbodyis

morefilledoutthanbefore.Evenherbreastsarelarger.

Glancingdownatmycock,shelicksherlips.“You’rehardagain.”

“I’mnotdonewithyou.”Iliftherupjustenoughtoslideherontome,carefulnotto

fillherallatonce.

Shefallsforward,pressesherpalmsagainstmychest,andwhispersmyname.Istare

upather,hopingthismeansasmuchtoherasitdoestome.Fallinginlovewithmybest
friendwasthelastthingIwantedtohappen.Butitdid.Now,wehavetofigureouthowto
navigateourrelationshipfromhere.

C H A P T E R 1 8

FourmonthsaftertheNHLDraft

ean

KATE

, train, practice, repeat. That was my schedule for most of the summer and all

throughthepre-season.Now,myentireliferevolvesaroundhockey.Ikeeptellingmyself
thatthisiswhatIwanted.Buthavingallthissuccessdoesn’tfeelthesamewhenIhaveto
doitalone.

EventhoughIgotanicefirst-yearsalary,onethatallowedmymothertoquitallofher

jobs,IwishshehadtakenmeuponmyoffertolivewithmeinPhilly,butshelovesthe
weatherinFloridatoomuch.Then,there’sKat,whohasherinternshipandherentirelife
inChicago.Bothofmygirlsfeelasthoughtheyareaworldaway,eventhoughtheyare
onlyashortplaneridefromme.

Witheachweekandmonththatpasses,it’sevenhardertofindthetimetotalktoKat.

EverythingbetweenushasgonetoshitsincetheDraft.Ineverhavetime.Ourschedules
alwaysconflict.

Onthewaytotheclub,IhitthebuttononmysteeringwheelforKat’snumber.Her

lineringsseveraltimesbeforeIgethervoicemail.Shefinishedworktwohoursago.By
now,KatshouldbehomewatchingTVforthenight.Lately,shehasbeentiredbecauseof
herinternshipandoftenpassesoutearly,makingitevenharderforustotalk.

I miss her like fucking crazy. Soon enough, my team will be in Chicago to play the

Blackhawks,andIwillfinallyhaveanightalonewithmygirl.Ifshedoesn’tstarttohate
meforallthemissedconversations.ImadeapromisetoherthatIplantokeep.Butour
timedifferenceandschedulesaremakingaliarofme.

WhenIgettoScores,Ipullintothecrowdedparkinglot,surprisedtofindastripclub.

Mynewteammates,LiamWestandShaneMurphy,toldmetomeetthemhereforadrink,
butIhadassumeditwasasportsbar.IfIweren’twithKat,DirtyDeanwouldbecoming
outtoplaytonight.ButKatmakesmeabetterman.Despitemylackofsexoverthepast
fewmonths,Ihavetobeonmybestbehavior.

TheguiltofbeingherewithoutKatknowinghasmeonedge.Now,morethanever,I

wishshewouldanswerthedamnphone.Idialhernumberonemoretimeandgetthesame

result. I don’t want to leave a message on her voicemail about a strip club. I doubt Kat
wouldappreciatethat.

When I get out of the car and walk up to the building, Liam and Shane are already

waiting for me at the door off to the side, with their hands stuffed inside their winter
jackets. Of all my teammates, only Liam and Shane have welcomed me to the team.
Parker, Kane, and Donovan have all been dicks. In fact, Tyler Kane even went as far as
askingourcoachtobenchme.HethinksIplaydirtyandthatIamnotateamplayer.

Kane can think whatever he wants. I didn’t lead my college team to three

championshipsbecauseIusedtricksandshadytacticstogetusthere.Thefirstfewweeks
withtheFlyerswasrough.AtleastIhaveLiamandShane.Theyhelptolessenthetension
inthelockerroomandontheice.

“Abouttime,”Liamsays.“Wethoughtyouweregoingtobailonusagain.”

“Nope,notthistime.You’restuckwithmetonight.”

“Let’sgetthispartystarted,”Shanesays,pressingabuzzernexttothedoor.

A few seconds later, a beautiful brunette in a tight mini skirt opens the door with a

smile.“Welcomeback,”shesays,hookingherarmaroundShane’sback.

“Hey,Drea.”Hesmacksakissonhercheekthatshewipesoffwithagoofysmirk.

“Hey, yourself, Shane.” She leans into him, showing off an impressive rack, mostly

coveredbysilky,darkwaves.

“Wehaveanewteammateweneedyoutobreakin,”LiamsaystoDrea.“Showhim

theVIPtreatment.”

Dreaholdsherpalmouttomewithasmile.“What’syourname,handsome?”

“Dean.”

Drea leads me into the dim club, flanked by Liam and Shane. “Oh, I’ve heard a lot

aboutyou.DeanCrawford,right?”

Inod.“That’sme.”

“You’reevenbetterlookinginperson.”

“Thanks,Iguess.”

Inside,theplacelookslikeyourtypicalstripclub—neonlights,mirroredwalls,leather

benches,tableswithchairs,threestagestowardthefront,andamassofguyswhocrowd
aroundthegirls.Butitsmellsgood.Thescentofherbsandspiceslingersintheairinstead
oftheusualsmellofcigarettes,desperation,andsex.

Dreasteersmeintoaprivateroomwiththesamecoloredlightsandleathercouchesas

the rest of the establishment. The dark marble floors have a shine to them. A small
chandeliersuspendsfromthecenterofthemirroredceiling.EverywhereIlook,Icansee
myreflectionstaringbackatme.

Behind a small bar to my right, a blonde woman waits for us, topless. She flashes a

sexysmileandwelcomesus.Hertitsjiggleassheraisesabottleofvodka,lookinglikethe

girlnextdoor.TheworstpartisthatsheremindsmeofKat.Ishouldcallheragain.Maybe
thatwouldmakemefeellessguiltyaboutcominghere.

Drea holds out her hand and points at the couches. “Gentlemen, make yourselves

comfortable.Iwillgetthegirls.Dean,doyouhaveapreference?”

“Nope,”Imutter.

“Youalreadyknowwhatwelike,”Liamsays.

“Yeah,shedoes,”Shanesays,staringatthegirlservingdrinks.Helickshislipsather

andstalkstowardthebar,ignoringus.

Dreanodsandwalksoutoftheroom.

Shanecomesbackwiththebartender.Shehasthreeshotglassesinherhands.Itake

theglassfromher,knockingitbackinonegulp.Thevodkaburnsonthewaydown.Ithas
beenmonthssincemylastdrink.MylasttimewaswhenIgothammeredwithKatandthe
twinsbythepool.WhatIwouldn’tgivetogobacktocollege,evenforonlyafewdays.

Liamshakesthebartenderfromhisarmandmovestowardme.“Youmightnotbelieve

me,butthisplacehasthebestItalianfoodinthecity.”

Irollmyeyesathim.“You’refuckingwithme,right?We’reinastripclub.”

“Noshit,”hesays.“I’mserious.Youhavetotrythefood.”

The thought of eating in a strip club makes me want to vomit. After another intense

workoutwithourtrainer,mystomachhurtstoomuchformetoignorethehungerpains.
WhatwillKatsayaboutmeeatinginastripclub?Shewouldprobablylaugh,andthen,
tellmeIamdisgusting.

IfollowLiamandShanetothebuffetsetupatthebackoftheroom.Ayounggirlina

blacktanktopstandsbehindthetable,aplateinherhandandreadytoserveus.

Liamshoveshishandthroughhisshaggybrownhairandgivesheroneofhisboyish

smiles.“I’llhavealittleofeverything.”Heglancesoverhisshoulderatme.“Whatdoyou
want?”

Ilookatthegirlbehindthetable.“Whateverhe’shaving.”

Icouldcarelesswhatweeataslongasthefoodisgood.Still,theideaofeatingina

stripclubhasmelaughingontheinside.Thisisridiculous.ShaneandLiamhadinsisted
that coming here was a right of passage for new players. I guess this is my initiation.
Giventhesituation,Kathastogivemeapass.Iwouldnotcomehereonmyown.

Aftertheserverhandsusourplates,wesitonthecouchesandeatourfood.Ishovel

lasagna,chicken,andwhoknowswhatelseinmymouthandwipetheplateclean.Bythe
timeDreareappearswithahandfulofgirls,we’vealreadyhadseconds.

PerShane’srequest,oneofthegirlssitsatrayofshotglassesonthetableinfrontof

us. I have no intention to drink my share of them. We have to get up early for practice.
Plus,Ihavetodrivebacktomyapartmentandbeatleastsomewhatcoherent.

Leaning back against the leather, I pound a few shots before a blonde hops onto my

lap,completelynude,asifIdidn’talreadyfeelguiltyenough.OutoffearIwilllooklikea

pussyinfrontofmyteammates,Iembracethelapdance.

Liamhashisarmwrappedaroundabrunettewithpastiesonhernipples,whileShane

hastwogirls,oneoneachofhisthighs,andhisfaceshovedbetweentheirbreasts.

Shane reaches around the girl to his right and nudges me with his elbow. “You can

smilewhentheotherguysontheteamaren’taround.Itwon’tkillyou,Crawford.”

IglanceoveratShaneandlaugh.“Easyforyoutosay.”

“We’ve all been there,” Liam says. “Don’t let Kane get under your skin. He’s like a

child.Ifyoukeepfeedingintohisbullshit,hewillkeepfuckingwithyou.”

“Doeshedothatwitheveryrookie?”

Shaneshrugs.“Justabout.Don’ttakeitpersonally.It’shiswayofbreakingyouin.”

Idrinktheamberliquidinmyglassandleanforwardtosetitonthetable.“Hehasa

funnywayofshowingit.”

“MostoftheguysgoalongwithwhateverKanesays.Ignorethem.Playhard,continue

showinguptopracticeontime,andkeepyourheaddown.Ifyoudothatforafewmonths
andthrowinafewpointsintheprocess,they’llstopgivingyouahardtime.”

Liamnodsinacknowledgmentanddownsashotofwhiskey.

Theconversationwithmyteammateswasanicedistractionfromthegirlonmylap.I

pretendtobeinterested.Underdifferentcircumstances,Iwouldhavebeeninworseshape
thanShaneandLiam.Leaningmyheadbackonthecushion,Iclosemyeyes,thinkingof
Kat.Allday,sheconsumesmythoughts.

Fivemoresongs,Itellmyself.Then,IneedtogetoutofhereandcallKatagainbefore

shegoestosleep.

FEW

SONGS

quicklyturnedintothreemorehours.Somehow,ShaneandLiammanaged

toconvincemetostay.Itwasn’tformylackoftrying.AfterIstaggerouttomycarand
slipinside,IcheckthetimeonthedashboardandcallKatoncemore.

“Hello.”Hervoicesoundsdistant,asifshe’shalfasleep.Thesoundofhervoiceputs

meatease.

“DidIwakeyou,Kitten?”

“Yeah,butit’sokay.Icrashedafterdinner.I’mupnow.Howwasyourday?”

“Busy.Weird.Howaboutyou?”

Shelaughs.“Minewasokay,nothingspecial.Iworkedonapressreportforoneofour

bigclients.ThatwasaboutalltheexcitementIhadtoday.Yourdaywasweird.Howso?”

“Fulldisclosure:IthoughtIwasmeetingLiamandShaneforadrinkatasportsbar,

andtheytookmetoastripclub.Pleasedon’tbemadatme.”

Shesighsintothephone.“I’mnot,Dean.Atleastyoutoldmeinsteadofhidingit.”

“Imissyou,”Isay,clutchingthesteeringwheel.

“Imissyou,too,Dean.Morethanyouknow.”

“Thisisgettinghardwithuslivingindifferentcities.Iwishyouwouldconsidermy

offertocomelivewithme.Youwouldlovemynewcondo.Ithasaviewofthecityandis
closetoalltherestaurantsyoulike.”

“IwishIcouldmovethere,butIhavemyinternshipandmywholelifeinChicago.”

“You could do the same thing in Philly. I’m sure your dad knows someone in sports

broadcastingorcommunicationsinthecity.”

“We’ve had this conversation dozens of times, Dean. I want to finish my internship

andseeiftheyoffermeafull-timepositionbeforeImakeanydecisionsaboutus.Okay?”

“Okay,” I say, frustrated. “I need to see you. Just hearing your voice is making me

hard.Flyoutherefortheweekend,orIcancometoChicago.”

“Areyouhard?”Shepurrsthewordsintothephone.

Igrabmyselfovermyjeans.“Yeah,Iwishyouwereheretotakecareofme.”

“Areyoustillatthestripclub?”

“Intheparkinglot.”

“Gross.”Thewayshesaysitmakesmelaugh.“Callmewhenyougethome,andIwill

talkyouthroughyourproblem.”

“Phonesex,nowwe’retalking,Kitten.YoushouldFaceTimemesothatIcanjerkoff

toyourtits.Iswearthey’regettingbigger.”

“Hello,DirtyDean,”shesays,laughing.

“What?I’maman,andIloveyourtits.They’refuckingperfect.”

“Insomestrangeway,thisconversationismakingmemissyouevenmore,”shesays.

“Iknowwhatyoumean.Imissusandthewaythingswerewhenwewereincollege.

Lifewassomuchsimplerbackthen.Weshouldhavedonethisalongtimeagoinsteadof
waiting.NottellingyouhowIfeelsoonerwillalwaysbemybiggestregret.”

“Mine, too,” she admits. “If only we had more time together. Being an adult sucks

ass.”

“Tellmeaboutit.Tryplayingforateamthathatesyourguts.”

“Theydon’thateyou.Stopbeingsodramatic.”

“I’mserious.It’snotlikeplayingfortheSenators.”

“Backthen,youwereabigfishinalittlepond.Now,you’realittlefishinanocean.

You have to earn the respect of the older players. They will not hand it to you. Give it
time. Even Duke, if you can believe it, had issues with his teammates his rookie year.
Hanginthere,andthingswillworkout.Oncetheyseehowamazinglytalentedyouare,
theywon’thassleyouasmuch.”

“Thanks,Kitten.Now,howaboutthatphonesex?”

“Oh,Dean,”shehisses.“Callmewhenyougethome,andyoucangetmeoff,too.”

“GoodthingIonlylivetenminutesawayfromhere.”

“Becareful,please.Iknowyouweredrinking.Drivesafe.”

“Yes,Mom,”Ideadpan.

Shechuckles.“Callmewhenyou’reinbedandreadyforme.”

“Iwill.Makesureyoustayawake.”

“Ipromise.”

A few seconds later, we hang up. All I can think about is getting home as fast as

possiblesothatIcanhavesomemuchneededalonetimewithKat.IwilltakewhatIcan
get.

C H A P T E R 1 9

FivemonthsaftertheNHLDraft

NXIOUS

,Iremovemycellphonefrommybagandflipthroughthenotifications.Ifrown

whenitsinksinthatnoneofthemarefromDean.Again.IfIdidn’twantthisinternshipto
turnintoafull-timeposition,Iwouldhavepackedupmyshitandwenthomefortheday.
ButIamnotaquitter,nomatterhowmuchIwanttothrowinthetowel.

My moods shift from happy to sad in an instant. Even I am sick of being around

myself, let alone my brothers, who were happy to leave for college and hockey. I was a
ragingbitchformostofthesummer,especiallyafterDeanleft.

Becca,myformerroommateandnowco-worker,tapsmeontheshoulder,forcingme

tolookupfrommycellphone.“Didyouhearfromyourboyfriend?”

Ishakemyheadandsetthephoneonthetablenexttome.“He’snotmyboyfriend.”

Sheshrugs.“YouknowwhatImean.”

“Nope,Ihaven’theardfromhim.”

EventhoughithasbeenfourmonthssinceIlastsawDean,weeithertalkortextevery

day.Exceptforthelastthreedays.Whatishedoing?Ishouldtexthim,butIdon’twantto
interrupthim.NotlikeDeanwouldansweranywaysincehe’ssupposedtobeatpractice.

Havingbeenthroughthiswithmyfamily,ItriedtotellDeanthatarelationshipwould

behardonbothofus.Ifyoucanevencallwhatwehavearelationshipanymore.Despite
mybetterjudgment,ItoldDeanIwouldgivethisashot.Butthepainofbeingaloneall
thetimeiskillingme,rippingmetoshredsfromtheinsideout.

Withmyhormonesoutofwhack,it’sevenharderonmetogoforlongperiodsoftime

withouthearingfromDean.Istillhaven’ttoldhimaboutthebabybecauseIthoughtwe
would have more time together. He should hear the news in person. But that seems less
likelybytheday.Mostdays,I’mluckyifIgettotalktohimfortenminutesbeforehehas
tohangup.

“Howareyoufeeling?”Beccatipsherheadtowardmystomach.“Haveyoutoldyour

dadyet?”

“No,I’mnotsurehowtotellhim.”

“Call him on the phone and say, I’m pregnant, and then hang up.” She laughs. “I’m

joking,butinallseriousness,thatmightbeeasierthanwhatyou’vebeendoing.”

“I see my dad so little that I haven’t found the right time, you know. I’m his only

daughter.Ifeellikeamassivedisappointment.”

Sheleansbackinherchairandglancesaroundthelunchroom.“Istillcan’tbelieveit

tookuntilyoustartedshowingtotellme.Ithoughtwewerehomies.”

I laugh. “You’re the first and only person I told. Consider yourself part of my inner

circle.”

“Whataboutyourbabydaddy?”

Ishakemyheadfromsidetoside.“No,Ithinkitwillbebetterthisway.”

IhavebecomethekindofpersonIhate—aliar.Anymore,allIdoislietothepeopleI

careabout,allbecauseIdon’twanttotellanyoneaboutthebaby.He’scomingwhetherI
planornot,yetIkeeppushingofftellingeveryone.

“Yoursonshouldhaveafather.”

“Easier said than done, Bec. I tried to tell him a million times, and I can’t do it.

Nothingcomesout.Ifreezeup.”

“YoushouldtellDean.”

Iclearmythroat,chokingonmysoda.“No.”

“Youusedtotellhimeverything.Whathappenedtoyouguys?”

Everything.Toomuch.Ababy.

“We’regrowingapart,”Iconfess,saddenedbytheshiftinourrelationship.“Deanhas

hockey.Ihavethisbabyandaninternship.”

“I always thought you two would end up together, especially after you guys hooked

up.”

“Wehadbadtimingandtoomuchdistancebetweenus.”

“Youtwowouldhavemadeacutecouple.”

Ismiletohidethepainontheinside.

Formostofmylife,I’veheldeverythingin,outoffearofbotheringsomeonewithmy

problems. With my older brothers having to raise the twins and me, they had enough to
deal with when we were kids. My dad could hardly function, other than to play hockey
aftermymomdied.Wearefinallymovingonwithourlives.ThelastthingIwanttodois
throwanothercurveballtheirway.ButIhavetocomeclean.

“Thanksgivingisnextmonth.Youshouldtelleveryonebeforeyou’resittingdownfor

dinner,readytopopoutababy.”

“IstillhavesometimeafterThanksgiving.”

“Notmuch.”Shetugsonmyarm.“Stopbeingsostubbornandtellsomeoneotherthan

me.Allthisstresscannotbegoodforthebaby.”

“You’reright.ThedoctorsaidmyheartratewasalittlehighwhenIwentformylast

checkup.”

“You are depriving your child of a father. He should have the chance to see his son.

Youshouldsendhimtheothercopyofthesonogram.”

“His birthday is next week,” I joke, even though it’s the truth. Dean will be twenty-

threenextTuesday.“Idon’tthinkDeanwouldbetoothrilledaboutmysurprise.”

“Isn’tDean’sbirthdayaroundHalloween?”

“It’s on Halloween. Don’t you remember all the parties he threw at his house to

celebrate?”

Shechuckles.“ThatwashowDirtyDeanwasborn.Imissthosepartiesalready.Real

lifesucks.”

“Tellmeaboutit.WhatIwouldn’tgivetoturnbacktheclockandgobacktocollege

foranothermonth.”

“I can’t believe Dean is the father.” She leans forward and puts her elbows on the

table,holdingmewithhergaze.

Ilookawayfromher,ashamed.

Shelowershervoicetoawhisper.“Cheerup,Kat.DeanCrawfordisyourbabydaddy.

Yousureknowhowtopickthem.”

Iholdmyfingeruptomymouth,turninginherdirection.“Shh…”

“What?It’snotlikeIwouldtellanyone.”

“Weworkforasportsmagazine.Noonecanknowaboutthis,okay?”

“So,that’swhyyou’vebeensotight-lippedaboutthesituation.”

“Yes.Idon’twantmypersonallifetointerferewiththisinternship.”

“Someone will find out eventually, don’t you think? A baby is not an easy secret to

keep.Oncehe’sborn,peoplewillstartaskingmorequestions.”

“Well,that’sthebenefitofnothavingamassivebellyandlivinginacitythat’scold.I

cangetawaywithalotofbulkysweatersandoversizedclothes.”

“Istillcan’tbelieveyourdadhasn’tnoticed.Youliveinthesamehouse.”

“He’sonlyhomeonceaweek,andwhenwehangout,he’snotstaringatmystomach.

Evenifhenoticedmyweightgain,hewouldneversayaword.”

“Butyouareonhisinsuranceplan.Doesn’theseethebillsfromthedoctor?”

“No,theygotohisaccountantforhimtopay.”

“Still,Ithinkyoushouldtellhim.AndDean.”Sheshakesherhead.“Ican’tbelieve

Dean is the father. After all those years of you two being just friends, he gets you
pregnant.Thatbabyisgoingtobealooker.I’msurehe’llturnheadsjustlikehisdaddy.”

IsmileatthethoughtofDeanandhishandsomeface.“Imisshim,”Ichokeout,doing

mybesttoholdbackmytears.“IshouldhavetoldDeanwhenhewasherethissummer.I
wastooafraidoflosinghim,eventhoughhewastheonewhowantedmore.”

“Iwouldhavegivenhimwhateverhewanted,”Beccasayswithlaughterinhervoice.

“Deanisonehunkyhockeyplayer.”

“Tellmeaboutit.”Thecornersofmymouthturnupslightly.“Imisshavinghiminmy

life.It’sbeenhardwithouthim.”

“Whydon’tyougoseehim?”

“It’scomplicated.”

“Well,thenuncomplicateit.IfyouwanttobewithDeanandyouwanthimtohavea

roleinyourbaby’slife,thenyouneedtomakethenextmove.”

“First,Ineedtotellmydadandbrothersaboutthebaby.Iwanttoseehowtheyreact

beforeItellDean.MaybeI’llflyouttoPhillyandsurprisehimforhisbirthday.”

“Thistime,youhavetotellhim.Don’tworryabouthowhewillreact.Ifyouhaveto

writeitinsidehisbirthdaycard,thendothat.Itwouldbebetterthannottellinghimatall.”

“Thanks,Bec.IguessallIneededwasakickintheass.”

She flashes a wicked grin at me. “I will gladly kick you in the ass. Bend over and

assumetheposition.”

Ilaugh.“Ifeelsomuchbettertalkingtoyouinsteadofholdingitallinside.”

“Icanonlyimagine.Youwillfeelamilliontimesbetteronceyoutellyourfamilyand

Dean.Gomakeareservationforaplaneticketandscheduleacallwithyourbrothers.”

“IwishIdidn’thavetodoitoverthephone.”Isigh.“Dukeisgoingtohaveastroke

whenItellhim.”

Beccapatsmeontheshoulder.“Goodluck.Dukehasonehellofatemper.Iwouldn’t

wanttoseeitifIwereDean.”

“He likes Dean, even though he gives him shit. All my brothers do. My dad adores

him.”

“Yeah,buthowwilltheyfeelabouthimoncetheyknowhegotyoupregnantandthen

wentofftoplayhockeyinanothercity?”

“It’snothisfault.Inevertoldhim.”

“Truebutlookatitfromyourdadandbrother’spointofview.Theywillassumethat

heknewsinceDeanisyourbestfriend.”

“Itwilllooklikeheabandonedme,”Imutter,deflated.

“Uh-huh.”

“ButDeanwouldneverdothat.”

Beccagetsupfromherchairandgrabsbothofourlunchtrays.“Weknowthatbutdo

yourbrothers?”

“Yeah,Ithinkso.”

Asshewalksawayfromourtabletodisposeofthetrash,Iwonderifshehasapoint.

My family might not see things the same as me. The twins will feel betrayed by Dean.
DukewillbeangrythatIprovedhimright.AustinwillbeupsetthatIwastooafraidtotell
him.Butmydadwillbethemostdisappointedofall.

CanIdothis?DoIhavethestrength?Iheldoffonmakingthisdecisionforareason.

Butwasitevenagoodone?Iguessit’stimetodotherightthing.

ITH

ENTIRE

family living in different cities, I had no choice but to schedule a

meetingwiththemoverthephone.WhenIwasyounger,wedidthisallthetime.Itwas
myfather’swayofkeepingupwithourliveswhenhewasontheroad.

Isitonmybed,liftthereceiverwithashakyhand,andcallAustinfirstsincehisvoice

puts me at ease. Like Dean, Austin always knows the right things to say. Then, I
conference in Theo and Tucker, who scream into the phone, followed by Duke and my
dad.Isavedthemforlastbecausetellingthemterrifiesmethemost.Insomeways,Isee
Dukeasanextensionofmydad.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Dad yells into the phone as if he’s trying to talk over a crowd.

“What’sup?I’montheairinaboutthirtyminutes.”

“Ineedtotellyouallsomethingimportant.Areyousittingdown?”

“Whatdidyoudo?”Dukegrowls.

“WhywouldyouassumeIdidsomethingwrong,Denny?”

Heblowsintothereceiver,annoyedbecausehehatesthatIusehisrealname.“Sorry.”

“WhatIwanttotellyouguysishardformetosay.Canyoujustletmegetitoffmy

chestwithoutinterruptingme?”

Theyallagree.

I suck in a deep breath and let it out. Nervous energy shoots through my body in

waves,settingmyskinonfire.Beccawasright.Thestressisbadforthebaby.Themore
anxiousIget,themoreInoticehimkickingme.It’sasifhecansensemymoodsandis
upsetalongwithme.

“I’mpregnant,”Iblurtout.

ReliefwashesovermenowthatIhavegottenmysecretoffmychest.

“You’rewhat?”Dadsays.“Didyousayyouarepregnant,Kat?”

“Yes,Dad.Iampregnant.Iwantedtotellallofyouinperson,butourschedulesnever

lineup.”

“Areyousure?Didyougotothedoctor?”Dadasks.

“Yeah,Dad.I’mhavingaboy.”

“Howlonghaveyouknown?”

“Sevenmonths,”Iadmit.

“Honey,whywouldyoukeepsomethinglikethisfromus?”Hehesitatesforasecond,

thistimewithexcitementinhisvoice.“You’rehavingaboy?Iwillbeagrandfather.”

Whatishenotangrywithme?

“I’msorry,Dad.Ishouldhavetoldyou.”

Hedoesn’tanswer,oratleastnotthatIcanhearovermybrothers.

“I’m coming home to see you, Kat,” Austin says. “I can take you to your

appointments.”

ThatwasalwaysAustin’sjob.WhatIwouldn’tgivetohavehimhomewithmenow.

Alwaysthecalmandlevel-headedone,AustinisthebrotherIshouldhavetoldoverthe
summer.Buthewouldneverkeepasecretfromourfather.Itwouldhaveeatenhimalive.
Hewasalwaysaterribleliar.

“Whoisthefather?”Dukesayswithangerinhistone.HesoundslikeBruceBanner

gettingreadytoturnintotheHulk.

“Yeah,who’sthefather?”Thetwinssayinunison.

“Doyouguyspromisenottoflipout?”

“No,”Dukesays.

“Okay,”thetwinsadd.

“Ihaven’ttoldhimyet.”

“Kat,whoisthefather?”Austinsays.“Justtellus.Wewon’tgetmad.”

“Dean,”Isay.Myvoiceisalmostawhisper.

“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”Dukesoundsasthoughhe’sgrindinghisteethashe

speaks.“Allthistimeyoutriedtoconvincemethatyouweren’tfuckingthatassholeand
thenheknockedyouupandleavesyoutodealwithababybyyourself?”

“Hedidn’tleaveme,Denny.Deandoesn’tevenknow.”

“YouandDean?”Theosoundsconfused.

“Really?”Tuckeradds.“So,youguysweretogetherthatwholetime?”

“Areyoutwothatfuckingclueless?”Dukeyellssoloudmyeardrumhurts.

“Knockitoff,Duke.”Now,Dadispissedoff.“Don’ttalktoyoursisterandbrothers

likethat.”

“Sorry,Dad,butthisisbullshit.”

“Kat,Iwillbehomeinafewdays,”Dadsays.

“Me,too,”Austinsays.“IcanstayovernightonSaturday.”

“Please don’t say anything to Dean. Any of you. I haven’t had a chance to tell him

yet.”

“Idon’tevenwanttotalktohim,”Tuckersayswithangerinhistone.

“Meneither,”Theosays.“Ican’tbelievehedidthistoyou.Tous.Whatadick.”

“Hedidn’tdoanythingtoanyofyou.ThisisbetweenDeanandme.Okay?Justletme

handleit.”

“He’sdeadthenexttimeIseehim,”Dukesays.

“Denny,pleasedon’tdoanything.”

“Ican’tmakethatpromiserightnow,Kat.”

Ilaymyheadbackonthestackofpillowsonmybedandclosemyeyes.Maybethey

justneedtotimetoprocesseverything.Ithadtakenmemonthstocometotermswithmy
newlife.Now,IhavetomusterthecouragetotellDean.

C H A P T E R 2 0

FivemonthsaftertheNHLDraft

ean

OUR

FIRST

matchupagainsttheCapitals,IhavethepleasureofplayingagainstDuke

Baldwin.He’sabruiser,abigguy,andtheoneplayerontheiceyoudon’twanttomess
with unless you have a death wish. Known by everyone in the NHL as a Baldwin
Beatdown,Dukehasmadeareputationforhimselfforhishighlightreelknockouts.Asthe
enforcerforhisteam,fightingisDuke’sspecialty.

SomeoftheguysonmyteamweregoingovertheirstrategyforplayingagainstDuke.

Ishouldbeconcerned.ButI’mnot.

Afterourdefensemaninterceptsthepuck,hepassesittome,andItakeoffdownthe

ice.WellawareofDukeandhisproximity,Iskatefaster,glancingovermyshoulderwhen
Ireachcenterice.Iswitchthepucktomyweakside,keepingitawayfromDuke’sblade.
But he’s good at getting me to do what he wants because my failed attempts to dodge
Dukesenduscrashingintotheboards.

Insteadofreachingforthepuck,hepullstheglovesfromhishandsandthrowsthem

on the ice along with his stick. His actions take me by surprise, removing me from my
element.

Doeshewanttofightme?

BeforeIhavetimetopreparemyself,Dukegrabsmebythecollarofmyjersey.“You

aremine,asshole”hebreathesagainstmycheek.

I attempt to skate away, still in possession of the puck, before one of his teammates

come up from the side and steals it from between my legs. Those in attendance at the
CapitalOneArenacometoastanding,waitingforDuke’snextmove.Hehastheappeal
ofawrestlerputtingonashow.Iwrigglefreefromhisgrasp,butonlyforafewseconds.
DukeslamsmeintothePlexiglas,asifIweighnothing,causingmetolosemybalance.

Withafirmgriponmycollar,DuketugshardenoughthatIfallbackwardandintohis

chest.Igivehimashit-eatinggrinthathereturnswithhisjawclenchedinanger.

“ThisisforKatandNoah,”hegrowlsintomyear.“Youfuckingscumbag.”

“Who’sNoah?”Ichokeout,myfacetwistedinanger.

“Yourson.”

Myson?

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Youknew.Don’tfuckinglie.”

Myjerseyslidesupmyback,asDukeslamsmyfaceharderintothePlexiglas.Ispin

around,stillstrugglingtobreakfreefromhisgrasp,whenDukehitsmewitharighthook
tothejaw,followedbyajabthatforcesmetotheground.Buthedoesn’tloosenhisgrip,
notevenforasecond.

“Kat is pregnant with your kid. Don’t act like you didn’t know.” Bending over me,

Dukelandsafewmorepunchesthatbloodytheice,beforetwolinesmengrabhimbythe
arms.

Inshock,Isinktotheice,inpainfromthehitsItookfromDukeandnumbfromthe

newsaboutKat.Isshepregnant?Andwithmyson?Idon’tknowwhathurtsworse—my
jaworKat’sbetrayal.

The cheers from the crowd grow louder, as Duke fights the linesmen off with an

elbow,andwhenIleastexpectit,hekneesmeintheface.Theblowtomyfacecausesmy
bodytogolimpasIfallbackwardandontotheice.Beforemyeyesclose,IwatchDuke
throwhishandsupinvictory,abouttoturnandfacethefans,whenhisfistcollideswith
thejawofthelinesmanbehindhim.

Theteamdoctorcomesovertocheckmyvitalsandshinealightinmyeyes.Someof

my teammates are circling us, hoping to get a clean shot at Duke. His teammates skate
aroundthemtoblocktheotherplayers,eventhoughhedoesn’tneedthemtoshieldhim.
The last player who hit a linesman lost months worth of pay and earned a hefty
suspension.

Ihopefuckingupmyfacewasworthit,asshole.

AstheofficialsescortDukeofftheice,Igethelpfromthedoctorandmyteammates,

whopullmeupfromtheground.Whatalowblowformyfirstyearintheleague.That
fightwillbeoneveryhighlightreelforweekstocome.Whatconcernsmemostiswhathe
saidaboutKat…andourson.

Howcouldshehidesomethinglikethatfromme,ofallpeople?Weshareeverything

witheachother.IwanttobelievethatDukemisunderstoodandthathe’sdelusional.Kat
owesmeanexplanationformyface,thisfight,andourbaby.

FTER

THE

SWELLING

wentdownovermyeyeandIcouldseeenoughtodrive,theteam

doctorhadgivenmetheokaytoleavethebuilding.IdialedKat’snumberseveraltimes,
eachtimegettinghervoicemail.Ileftherahandfulofangrymessagesthatshestillhasn’t
returned.

Why is she avoiding me? There must be some truth to Duke’s words. I bet she even

watchedthefightonTV.Shenevermissesmygames.

WhenIwalkintothehotel,thedoormanstaresatmyfaceandtapsmeontheshoulder.

“Goodgame,son.Betterlucknexttime.”

IwishIhadsomethingclevertosaylike,Youshouldseetheotherguy,butIneverhad

achanceagainstDuke.Hetookmebysurpriseandstunnedmewithhiswords.Mylackof
reactionisthereasonmyfacefeelslikeDukerearrangeditintotinypieces.

I nod and flash a closed-mouth smile. It hurts too much to make any sudden

movements.

OnceI’minsidetheelevator,Isuckinadeepbreathandletitout.Therideuptomy

floorintensifiesthespinninginmyhead,forcingmetoholdontothewalluntilthedoors
open.Istaggertowardtheendofthehallanddigtheplasticroomkeyfrommypocket.

A few seconds later, I push open the door to my suite and drag myself into the

bathroom. Tiled from floor to ceiling in white marble, hotels like this are becoming the
norm for me, even though I am out of my element. When I was a kid, my mom almost
neverhadmoneytotakeusonvacation.Theclosestwehadtoatripwasatwo-hourcar
ridetothebeach.

Now, I’m staying in places that have anything I could ever dream of right at my

fingertips.Iremoveawashclothfromthebasketinthecenterofthedoublesinksandrun
itundercoldwater.Mycheekhasafewcuts,theskinalreadystartingtodarken.

HowcouldKatdothistome?Itrustedherwithmylife.Andshebetrayedme.

Whywon’tsheanswerherfuckingphone?

Staringintothemirror,Ileanmypalmsontheedgeofthesinkandtakeagoodlookat

myface.IneverlikedDuke.Now,Ihavearealreasontohatehim.Hewasalwaysright
aboutKatandme.

Idropthetowelonthecounterandcheckmycellphoneonemoretime.Nothing.Four

yearsoffriendshipshouldentitlemetoatleastacourtesycall.Istripoffmyclothesand
turnontheshower,allowingthesteamtoenveloparoundmyheadbeforeIgetinsidethe
oversizedstall.Thewatercausesmetowinceeverytimeithitscertainbruisesonmyface,
thepainaconstantreminderoftonight.So,Iturnaroundandallowittopourdownmy
back.

IdoubtIwillevensleepaftereverythingthathappenedontheice.Wehaveanother

gametomorrownight.Allitwouldtakeisanaccidentaltaptoreopenmycuts.Thedoctor
refusedtoletmeleaveuntilhegotthebleedingdowntowhatheconsideredareasonable
amount.

“I’mahockeyplayer,”Itoldhim,“I’lljustrubsomeVaselineonitandgetbackonthe

ice.”Thedoctorwasn’ttoothrilledaboutthatresponse.IthurtlikeabitchwhenIlaughed.
My coach didn’t agree with me either. So, I had to sit out for the rest of the game, all
becauseofDukefuckingBaldwin.

AfterIfilltheentirebathroomwithsteam,Iturnoffthewaterandgetout,wrappinga

towelaroundmywaist.Abellrings,thesoundechoingthroughoutthesuite.

Whatkindofhotelroomhasadoorbell?

I laugh to myself on the way to answer the door, but even that fucking kills. The

slightestmovementsinmyjawsendatremoruptomyears.

Igripthehandleandswingthedooropen,forgettingthatI’mstillinatowel,butnot

givingafuck.

“Hey,”Katsays,bitingherbottomlip.Shehasherhandsrestingonherstomach.

Mymouthdropsopeninshock,causingmetoreachuptocupmyfacefromthepain.I

shakemyheadatherindisbelief.“It’strue.”Icanhardlygetoutthewords.“Howcould
you?”

“CanIcomein?Ineedtotalktoyou.”

“Ican’t…”Itakeafewstepsback,theroomspinningaroundme.

“Please,Dean.I’msosorry.”

“For what? Sending Mike Tyson after me or for hiding our child from me.” I try to

shutthedoorinherface,andKatpushesherwayintotheroom.

“Inevermeantforanyofthistohappen.”

I turn my back to her and walk into the living room. “Get out, Kat. I can’t do this

tonight.”

“ButI’myourbestfriend.”

I spin around to face her, my teeth clenched in anger. “Don’t use that line on me.

We’renot…we’renothing.”Mychesthurtsfromallthepressurebuildingupinside.The
lackofoxygentomyheadforcesmetoholdontothearmofthecouch.

“Dean, c’mon.” Kat inches toward me. “Don’t act like this. I messed up big time. I

knowthat.”

Insteadofstaringatherface,allIcanfocusonisthemassivebabybump.Mybaby.

As my skin grows hotter, the tension in my chest intensifies, knocking me on my ass. I
sink into the soft fabric and grip the cushion for dear life. I lean forward, hoping it will
helpmecatchmybreath.“Callthedoctor,”Itellher,staringdownatthefloor.

Shecomesupnexttomeandclutchesmybicepwithhertinyhand.“You’rehavinga

panic attack. Control your breathing. Everything will be okay.” Kat sinks to the floor in
frontofme,holdingmyarmwithonehandandherstomachwiththeother.

Dukewastellingthetruth.ThemoreIthinkaboutKat,thebaby,andallofherlies,the

harderitisformetolistentohervoice,asshetellsmetotakeadeepbreath.

C H A P T E R 2 1

FivemonthsaftertheNHLDraft

WATCHED

DukebeattheshitoutofDeanonTV,Iwantedtojumpthroughthescreen

and murder my brother. I wanted to tell Dean in person. Duke knew that I booked and
confirmedmyplaneticketforthisweekend.Whatafuckingjerk.Eventhetwinshadkept
theirdistancefromDeansothatIcouldbethefirsttotellhim.Well,Ithinkthetwinsare
pissed at Dean for not telling them about our secret relationship. They need longer to
processthenewsofthebaby.

Without thinking it through, I hopped on the next plane out of O’Hare and flew

straighttoWashingtonD.C.IhadatonofangrymessagesfromDeanonceI’dlanded,but
I ignored all of them with every intention to have the conversation we should’ve had
monthsagoinperson.

AftertellingDeantobreathefortenminutes,hefinallycalmsdown,allowingmeto

brushmyfingersonhisarm.

He places his hands on my shoulders and stares into my eyes, holding me in place.

“Why,Kitten?Whywouldyouhidethisfromme?”

“I didn’t want to ruin your life. Things were already hard enough for you and your

mom.Ababyisanothercomplicationyoudon’tneedtodealwith.”

“You’retalkingaboutmychild.Ourchild.IwouldneverlookathimassomethingI

needtodealwith.Iamnotmyfather.”

“I know that, Dean.” I let out a puff of air. “That’s not what I meant. It came out

wrong.See,thisiswhyIwantedtohavethisconversationinperson.”

“Whydidyouwaitthislong?Howmanymonthsalongareyou?”

I get up from the floor and take a seat next to Dean on the couch. “Over seven

months.”

Hisfacetwistsinanger.“You’veknownforsevenmonthsanddidn’tthinktotellme

sooner?Ihavetofindoutwhenyourassholebrotheristhrowingpunchesatme.”

“Heshouldn’thavedonethat.Iamsosorry.”

“You’re right. If you had told me months ago, that fight wouldn’t have happened at

all.”

“Dukewillgetsuspendedforit.”

“Isthatsupposedtomakemefeelbetter?”

Sheshrugs.“No,butIthoughtitwouldhelp.”

“Heattackedmewithbrutalforceandknockedoutalinesman.He’llbeluckyifhe’s

offsuspensionbytheendoftheseason.”

“Yeah, I know. My dad is pissed. You should have seen him on TV trying to report

whathappenedbetweenyouandDuke.Heevenapologizedonairtoyouandtheleague
forDuke’sbehavior.”

“It’snotyourdad’sfaultthatDukeisanasshole.”

“Hehasangerissues.”IrubDean’sshoulder.“I’msorryhetookthemoutonyou.”

“Whyareyouhere,Kat?”Deansitsbackandrestshisheadonthecushion,staringup

attheceiling.“Dukealreadyruinedyoursecret.”

ItkillsmethatDeancan’tevenlookatme.Ithreadmyfingersbetweenhisandhold

hishandinmine.“Dean,pleasejustlistentomeforaminute.There’snothingIcandoor
saythatwillmakethissituationbetter,butwecanworkonmovingforward.Whetherwe
like it or not, we are having a baby in two months. He will be here in no time. I didn’t
wanttoburdenyouwithallofthisduringyourfirstyearintheleague.”

“That’sashittyreasontokeepthisfromme.Ihadtherighttoknowaboutmyson.”

“Iknow.Idon’tknowhowmanywaysIcanapologize.Nottellingyouwillalwaysbig

mybiggestregret.”

“YouknowhowIgrewup,Kat.Mydadwasneveraround.Ihaven’tseenhiminso

manyyearsthatIcan’tevenrememberwhathelookslikeanymore.Heleftmymomwith
amoundofbillstopayandakid.So,whywouldyoueverthinkthatIwoulddothatto
you?Iwanttobepartofmyson’slife.”

“Ofcourse.”IcurlupnexttoDeanandstrokehisbruisedcheekwithmyfingers.“I

wantyoutobepartofhislife.Wecanmakethiswork.”

“You’removingtoPhilly,”hesays,liftinghisheadfromthecouch.Hewincesinpain

asheturnstofaceme.“Idon’tevenwanttohearanotherwordaboutyourinternship.You
cangetanotherone.”

“But…”Deflated,Idon’tevenbothertoargue.

“Nobuts,Kitten.Youarecomingtolivewithme.Ourchildwillhaveamotheranda

father.”

“Whataboutus?”

Henarrowshiseyesatme.“Whataboutus?”

“Doyouhateme?”Ibitemybottomlip,waitingforhimtoanswer,asabeatpasses

betweenus.

“No, I could never hate you. I’m mad at you. I need you to give me some time and

spacetoprocesseverything.”

“Arewebreakingup?”

“Wereweevertogether?”

“Justbecauseyou’repisseddoesn’tmeanyouhavetoactlikeadick.”

He shakes me off him and gets up from the couch. “You should go back to Chicago

andpackyourbags.”

“ButIhadplansforus.Iwantedtotakeyousomeplacespecialforyourbirthday.”

“What’s the point, Kat? I’m not in the celebratory mood. My face looks like I went

twelve rounds with Holyfield, and I can’t even look at you without clenching my jaw,
whichisonlymakingthepainevenworse.”

“Oww,”Isay,gettingupfromthecouch,clutchingmystomach.

Deancomestomysideandgrabsmyarm.“Areyouokay,Kitten?”

I take his hand and move it onto my stomach, staring up at Dean. “Your baby is

kickingme.Ithinkhe’sgoingtobeahockeyplayer.He’saggressive,justlikehisdaddy.”

For the first time since I walked into the hotel room, Dean smiles at me. He bends

downinfrontofme,holdingontomyhips,andpresseshischeektomystomach.Startled,
hebacksupwhenNoahkicksagain.

“Hey,LittleMan,”hewhisperstoourson.“I’myourdaddy.”

I stroke my fingers through Dean’s damp hair. He’s still wearing a towel from his

shower,whichhasbeenslightlydistractingmeformostofourconversation.Ithasbeen
toolongsincewewerelasttogether.

“You’regoingtobeanamazingfather,Dean.”

Hepeeksupatme.“Youthinkso?”

Inod.“Iknowso.Oursonisluckytohaveyouashisdad.”

“Noah.Isthatwhatyouwanttonamehim?”

“Ilikethatname.”

Hesmiles.“Me,too.NoahCrawford.WaituntilItellmymomabouthergrandson.He

mightgethertomoveawayfromFlorida.”

“Shecouldbeourbabysitter.Iwillneedhelpwithhimwhenyou’reontheroad.”

Hestands,stillholdingontomyhips,andplantsakissonmycheek.“Wewillmakeit

work.”

“Doesthismeanyou’renotmadatmeanymore?”

“No, I’m still angry with you.” He tilts his head to the side and scratches the dark

stubblealonghisjaw,asifdeepinthought.“Ifyou’resevenmonthspregnant,thenyou
knewbeforeweleftcollege,didn’tyou?”

Feelingguilty,Iturnmyheadtothesideandbitemylip.“Yes.”

“Whendidyoufindout?”Heclampshishandsonmyshoulders.“Pleasedon’tlieto

meagain.”

“IknewwhenIwentfortheglutenallergyresults.”

Hetakesastepbackfromme,andhismouthopenswide.“Youcriedinmyarmsand

liedtomyface?Doyouevenhaveaglutenallergy?”

“No,Ineverhadone.IkeptgettingsickbecauseIwaspregnantwithNoah.”

“Youcouldhavetoldmethatday,andyouchosetowaituntilnow?”Deanwalksaway

frommeandtowardthebedroom.

“IalreadysaidIwassorry,Dean.Whatdoyouwantmetodo?There’snothingIcan

sayordotomakethisbetter.”

“You’reright.Noapologyintheworldcanmakeupforallthesecretsyoukeptfrom

me.Youliedrighttomyfuckingface,Kat.Youhadanentireweekoverthesummerwith
me.Whydidn’tyousayanything?”

“I was scared,” I manage to choke out. “I didn’t want to worry you until I knew for

sureIwashavingthebaby.”

Henarrowshiseyesatme,givingmealookofdisgust.“Youwerethinkingofgiving

upoursonwithouttellingme?”

“No, of course not.” As the tears stream down my face, I wipe them away with my

hand.“Iwantedtomakesurehewashealthyandthatnothingwouldhappentohimbefore
Itoldyou.IthoughtIshouldbesurebeforeIsaidanythingtoanyone.”

“Still,youcouldhavetoldme.There’snoreasonforlyingtome.”

“Technically,Ineverliedaboutbeingpregnant.”

“No,youliedaboutyourfakeglutenallergy.That’ssomuchbetter,”Deandeadpans,

rolling his eyes at me. “We never had any secrets before. I tried to tell you before we
hookedupthatitwouldruinourfriendship,andyoustillwantedtogothroughwithit.”

“Whatareyousaying?Thatyouregretbeingwithme.”

Hesighs.“Idon’tknow.Maybe.Weshouldhavestayedfriends.”

Itouchhisarm.“Wearefriends,Dean.”

“No,we’renot.Oursituationistoocomplicatedtogobacktobeingfriends.”

“So,wheredoesthatleaveus?”

Heshrugs.“We’retheparentsofababyboy.”

“Whataboutus?”

“Ican’teventrustyou,Kat.”

“Yes,youcan.Iamstillthesameperson.”

“TheoldKatwouldneverlietome.Youtoldmeeverything.Wehadnosecrets.Ifeel

likeIdon’tevenknowyouanymore.”

“ThingswillgetbetterforusafterImoveinwithyou,”Isay,hopeful.

“Maybe.We’llseehowitgoes.MypriorityisNoahandyourhealth.”

“Mine,too.”

“Atleastwe’reonthesamepage.”Hegrabsapillowfromthebedandwalkspastme.

“Youcanhavethebed.I’llsleeponthecouch.”

“Areyougoingtosleepinatowel?”

Hestripsthetowelfromhiswaistandthrowsitinmydirection.Itlandsonthefloorat

myfeet.IsuckinadeepbreathwhenItakeinthesightofhismuscularbody.

“Youdidthatonpurpose,didn’tyou?”

Hesmirksatme.“Night,Kat.”

“Night,”Imutter,toofocusedonhistonedassashewalksawayfromme.

ThatfuckerdidthatjusttoremindmeofwhatIammissing.NomatterwhatIhaveto

do,wewillbetogetheragain.Deanwillseethepersonheloves.Heneedstime.Weboth
do.

C H A P T E R 2 2

SevenmonthsaftertheNHLDraft

ean

BIRTHDAY

, Kat moved into my luxury apartment that overlooks the Camden

Waterfront.Thetransitionwasnoteasyforeitherofus.Evenaftertwomonthsofliving
together,ourrelationshipisstillsostrainedthatwemovepasteachotherlikestrangersin
thesubway.Butwetrytomakeitworkforourson.EverytimeIgetangrywithKat,Ipull
thesonogramfrommywalletandremindmyselfthatNoahismyfocus.

“WillyouatleastlookatmewhenItalktoyou?”Katsaysfrombehindme.

Iturnaroundtofaceher,myeyeslandingonherstomach.Herbellyishardtomiss

now that she’s so close to having Noah. She only has a few more days until the doctor
inducesher.

“Dean,c’mon.”Katstepsforwardandgrabsmywristswithherhands.“Canweplease

gobacktothewaythingswerebetweenus?”

“We’refriends.Isn’tthatwhatyouwanted?”

“Bynow,Ithoughtwewouldbemore.Iloveyou,Dean.”

“Iloveyou,too,Kitten.”

“ImeanI’minlovewithyou.Iwanttobewithyouagain.”

Ishakemyhandsfromhersandhopupontothekitchencounter.“Ineedtime.Itold

youthatalready.Wecan’trepairthedamageovernight.”

“You’ve had months.” She moves between my legs and her stomach brushes against

mythighs.“IsthatnotenoughtoseethatI’mstillthesamepersonyoufellinlovewith?”

I stroke her jaw with my thumb, and she leans her face into my hand. “You are the

motherof my child,Kitten. No onecan take that awayfrom you. Butif you want more
fromme,Ineedtime.”

She lets out the puff of air that she was holding. “Maybe I should move back to

ChicagoafterNoahisborn.”

Idropmyhandfromherface,myteethclenchedinanger.“Don’teventhinkaboutit.

You two are staying here with me. If you want to go back home for the summer, then I
willcomewithyou.Untilthen,wearelivinginthisapartmentasafamily.”

“Ineverthoughtyoucouldbesocold,”shespitsback.

“AndIneverthoughtyouwouldlietome.Consideruseven.”

“Ihateyou,”sheyells,smackingmeonthearm.“You’resuchanassholeanymore.”

Igrabherhandbeforeshecansmackmeagainandholdherinplace.“Asmuchasyou

wanttohateme,Iknowyouloveme.It’syourhormonestalking.”

Sheshakesherhead,frowning.“No,Ican’tdothiswithyouanymore.IthoughtIwas

movingheretogiveoursonabetterlife.Whatkindoflifewillhehaveifallhisparents
doisfight?AllthisnegativityisbadforNoah.”

“Look,Kitten,I’msorry.IamtryingtodorightbyyouandNoah.Iwantthistowork

forus.”

“Then,whywon’tyoutouchme?”

“I’mtouchingyourightnow.”

“You know what I mean. Sex, Dean, I want to have sex with you. I’m so fucking

horny,andyoukeepwalkingaroundtheapartmentnakedallthetime.”

Iwigglemyeyebrowsather.“IthoughtyoulikedDirtyDean.”

Shelaughs,andhersmilereachesuptoherbrightblueeyes.“OnlywhenIgettoplay

withhim.”

“Isthatwhatyouwant?”Ireleaseherhandstofumblewithmybelt.“Ahatefuckfrom

me.”

“Youdon’thateme,”shecoos,stoppingmefromremovingmybelt.

“Maybenot,butI’mstillangry.AndIdon’twanttohurtNoah.”

“Youcan’thurthim,youidiot.”Sherollshereyesatme.

“Whatever.WaituntilafterNoahisborn,andthen,we’llseehowthingsgo.Okay?”

Kattugsatthebuckleandflipsopenthetopbuttononmyjeans.“Letmetakecareof

you,Dean.Itdoesn’thavetobethisway.Icanmakeyoufeelbetter.”

“Don’t.”Icoverherhandwithmine.

“Whynot?Whenwasthelasttimeyouhadsex?”

“Withyou.Backinthesummeratyourhouse.”

Shenarrowshereyesatme.“Really?Youhaven’tsleptwithanyoneelse.”

“Why does that surprise you? If anyone would know that I’m not the sleazeball

everyone thinks, it should be you. Isn’t that why you wanted me to fuck you without a
condominthefirstplace?”

“Youdon’thavetobesocrass.”

“That’swhatwedid.”Idipdowntobrushmylipsagainsttheshellofherear.“You

wantedmetofuckyourtightpussy.YouwantedmetoknowhowgoodyoufeelsothatI
wouldfallinlovewithyou.Wasn’tthatpartofyourplan,Kitten?”

“Dean,”shewhispers,closinghereyes.“Please.Stoptormentingme.”

Imovemylipstoherneckandplantkissesonherskin.Shestillsbetweenmylegs,

suckingindeepbreathsthatturntosoftmoans.“Youwantmetomakeyoucome,Kitten?
Youwantmetoreachbetweenyourlegsandfingerthetensionfromyourbody?”

“Yes,”shehisses.

I sit back and place my hands on my thighs. “Well, we can’t always get what we

want.”

“Youdickhead,”shescreams.“Stopdoingthistome.”

“Thereyougoagain,pollutingoursonwithyourpottymouth.”IsmileatKatjustto

taunt her. We play this game so often that I can’t stop myself. She mind fucked me for
months. Maybe I’m being an immature asshole for doing it back to her, but part of me
feelsasthoughshedeservesmyhostility.

Oursonneedsafather.Thatdoesn’tentitleKattohaveasexualrelationshipwithme.

Oneday,Iwillgivein,becauseIwanther,too.IhavetogetovermyangerbeforeIcan
forgiveher.ButIwill.IcouldneverstaymadatKat.

“Youhavesomenervewithallthecursingyoudoaroundhim.”Sheturnsaroundso

thatherbackisfacingmeandbendsovertoreachintotherefrigerator.

Ileanforwardtosmackherfirmass.

She jumps and then turns around with two bottles of water in her hands. “You don’t

gettotouchmyassifyou’renotgonnaplaywithme.”

Islideoffthecounter,takethebottlesfromherhands,andsetthemdownbehindme.

“Ikeptasecretfromyou,too,”Iconfess.

“Seriously?Whathappenedtocomingcleanwitheachother?”

“It’snotthekindofsecretyoukeptfromme.”Cuppingherfaceinmyhands,Igaze

intohereyes.“I’vethoughtofhavingsexwithyou,trustmeIhave.ButIcan’tgothrough
withit.”

Shegivesmeapainedlook.“Becauseyou’renotattractedtomeanymore?”

“No,it’snothinglikethat.Youarebeautiful.Iloveseeingyoupregnantandwithmy

babyinsideyou.HowIfeelaboutyouwillneverchange.Theattractionhasneverbeenan
issueforme.”

“Stopbeingsocryptic,Dean.Whyhaveyoubeentorturingme?”

“BecauseIthinkofyoudifferentlynow.”

Shelowersherheadandsighs.

“It’snotwhatyouthink,though.EverytimeIasmuchasthinkaboutbeinginsideyou,

Ican’thelpbutthinkofNoah.”

Katpeeksupatme,confused.“Youmakenosense.”

“Okay,don’tlaughatme,butIfeellikehe’swatchingus.”

Shelaughs.“Now,Iknowyouareinsane.”

“Thatcameoutwrong.WhatImeanttosayisthathavingsexwithyouwhileNoahis

in your belly freaks me out. I thought maybe I could take you up on your offer for that
blowjobIhavebeendyingforthepastfewmonths.ButIstillcan’tdoit.”

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Dean. You can’t have sex with me

becauseyouthinkNoahcanseewhatwearedoing?Ihighlydoubtthat.”

“Kinda.”Ishrug.“Itjustfeelsweird,okay?AndIdon’twanttodoanythingtohurt

him.”

She presses her stomach into my chest and breathes against my lips. “Can you go

throughwithitafterNoahisborn?”

My lips crash into hers. After months of fighting my feelings for Kat, I need to

connectwithheragain.WhetherIwantedtoadmititornot,Imissedhersofuckingmuch.
Shegripsmyhairbetweenherfingers,tugginghardasshepullsmeclosertodeepenthe
kiss.Ourpassionforoneanotherintensifieswitheachsecondthatpasses.

IsinksofarbeneathherskinthatIgetlostinsidemyKitten,allowingourbodiestodo

the talking. Until I feel a gush of liquid on my feet. I peel my lips from hers, and Kat
raisesherhandtohermouth.

“Thatwasmywater,”shespeaksbetweenherfingers,beforeloweringherhandtoher

side.“OratleastIthinkmywaterbroke.”

Ismileandrestmyforeheadagainsthersforafewsecondsbeforetakingastepback.

“Eitherthatoryoupissedonmyshoes.”

“Iwassupposedtohaveafewmoredays.”Shewavesherhandinfrontofherfaceto

fanherself.“I’mnotreadyforhim.”

“Listentome,Kitten,”Isay,grippingherbythearms.“We’veplannedforthisdayfor

months.Youcandothis,okay?Yougotthis.”

“Right,”shebreathes.“Icandothis.”

“Iwillbehereifyouneedanassist.”Iwink,andshereturnsmysmile.

“There’s no one else I would want to do this with than you, Dean.” She kisses my

cheek.“Iloveyou.”

“Iloveyou,too.”Ireleaseherfrommygrasp.“Weneedtogetyoutothehospital.”

“Ihavetotakeashowerfirst.”

“Ofcourse,youdo,”Ideadpan.

“Idon’twanttobeallgross.Iamcoveredinfluid.Helpmeintotheshower,andthen

wecanleave.”

A mixture of panic and excitement stirs in my chest, as I walk Kat to the bathroom.

Mysonisalmosthere.Havingababyattwenty-threewasthelastthingI’deverplanned,
butnowthatI’mabouttobecomeafather,allthemissingpiecesinmylifearefallinginto
place.

FTER

SPENDING

MONTHS

preparing for Noah, he’s almost here. Noah’s birth is the

completeoppositeofwhatI’dimagined.StandingatKat’sside,asshesqueezesmyhand
fordearlife,Itellhertobreathe.

Sheglancesupatme,withherteethclenchedineitherpainoranger.It’shardtotell

with all the yelling she has done since the doctor told her to start pushing. Her hair is a
mess,withlittlebitsofblondemattedtoherface,andhercheeksandchestbreakingoutin
blotches.

“Almost there,” I say under my breath, echoing the doctor’s words. “You’re doing

great,Kitten.”

Afewmoreminutespass,withthecursesflyingoutofhermouthlikeasailor.Shecan

saywhatevershewantstomewhenshe’sabouttobringmybabyboyintothisworld.

“Push,” the doctor says, and Kat squeezes my hand with her superhuman strength,

forcingmyeyesshut.

Afewsecondslater,Noah’sscreamsfilltheroom,andDr.Walcottannounces,“It’sa

boy.”

Butwealreadyknewthat.

IsmilelikeafoolasmygazetravelsbetweenNoahandKat.Dr.WalcottholdsNoah

uptoshowhimtous,beforepassinghimtothenurse.

The nurse asks me if I want to cut the umbilical cord, and I nod, nervous. What if I

screwthisup?

IknowIcan’thurtNoah,butstill,Iamterrified.Afterthedoctorandnursemaketheir

preparations,thenursehandsmethescissors,asIstandovermyson,freakingout.He’s
tinyandbeautiful,aminiversionofme.MyeyesfillwithtearsthatIblinkaway.

Katdeprivedmeofmonthsofherpregnancy,butshegavemethismoment.Cutting

intothecordisweird,sortoflikeslicingthroughathick,wetrope.ButIfeelmorebonded
toNoah.Hismothergottocarryandnurturehim,butthisissomethingIgettodo.Itall
hitsmeatonce.Ihaveason.

AfterIfinish,thenursetakesNoahtocleanhimup,andIstandnexttoKat,myhands

still trembling. I sweep the hair off her forehead and bend down to kiss her slick, salty
skin,tellingherhowmuchIloveher.

Ifollowherlineofsighttothenursewhoisholdingourbaby.

“Wemakecutekids,huh?”Katasks,unabletopeelhereyesaway.

“Hetakesafterhisdad.”

Sheturnstofaceme,hersmilereachinguptoherwateryblueeyesthathavetearsof

joyinthem.“Hesuredoes.”Katpressesherpalmtomycheek.“Ican’twaittotakeNoah
homeandstartmyfamilywithyou.”

Ikissherfingersthatbrushmylips.“Me,too,Kitten.”

“Youshouldleteveryoneknowthatwe’reokayandthatNoahishealthy.”

“I’mnotleavingyourside.”

Shetipsherheadtowardthedoor.“Stopbeingweird.Goahead.Wewillbefine.My

dad,brothers,andyourmomareprobablyworriedsick.”

“Istilldon’tlikeDuke,”Iadmit.

“You will always be the man who knocked up his baby sister, so I would say the

feeling is mutual. You guys are family now. Both of you will have to put aside your
differencesforNoahandme.”

Ibringherhanduptomylipsandplantakissonhersoftskin.“I’vebeenanasshole

lately,butIwoulddoanythingforyouandourson.”

“Iknowthat,Dean.Now,go.Leteveryoneknowtheycancomeseethebabyandme.”

Ireleaseherhand,notwantingtoleavetheroom.“I’llberightback.”

AsIwalkintothewaitingarea,theentireBaldwinclancomestoastanding.Theoand

Tuckerspeedwalkovertome,withAustinandDukeintow.Nickhelpsmymomupfrom
thechairandhookshisarmthroughhers.

“DidKathavethebaby?”Theoasks,smiling.

“Thenursesarecleaninghimupnow.”

“Congratulations,bro,”Theosays,slappingmeontheback,followedbyTucker.

“Thanks.”

“Iguessthismakesyouanofficialmemberofthefamily,”Tuckersays.

Ilaugh.“Yeah,Iguess.”

“Now,wecanactuallycallyouourbrotheranditwillbelegit,”Theosays.

Ismileathiswords.“DoyouguyswanttoseeNoah?”

“Yeah,”theybothsay,excitedaboutmeetingtheirnephew.

After the news broke about Kat’s pregnancy, it took the twins a while before they

would talk to me on the phone. Ever since, we have slowly repaired our friendship.
Austin, always the more friendly and civil of the brothers, holds out his hand for me to
shake. Duke frowns at me, his angry look slowly changing to a closed-mouth smile. He
muttershiscongratulations.

Mymomisasobbingmess,heldupbyNick,withhisbulkyframeandstrongarms.

Shehugsmeandchokesout,“Congrats,baby.Ican’tbelievemybabyhasababy,andI’m
agrandmother.”

Ikissheronthecheek.“Thanks,Mom.Youareanamazingmother.You’llbeaneven

bettergrandmother.NoahwillloveyoujustasmuchasIdo.”

Shesmiles.“Iguessit’sabouttimeIleaveFlorida.Myboysneedme.”

Inod.“Wedo.”

When Nick hugs me and welcomes me into their family, the feeling is surreal. For

most of my life, I looked up to Nick Baldwin. He was my childhood idol and now the
grandfather of my child. The reality of the situation still needs to sink in before I can
processallthechanges.

Thebiggestchange,Iamafather.

C H A P T E R 2 3

Sixweekslater

WEEKS

AFTER

DELIVERING

OAH

,thedoctorfinallygavemehisapprovaltohavesex.

Waiting this long to be with Dean again has felt like an eternity. A small part of me is
nervous,despitehavingdonethisbefore.Still,ithasbeenalmosteightmonthssinceDean
andIweretogether.It’sevenmorebizarretothinkthatweonlyhadsexafewtimesand
nowwehaveachildtogether.

Hoursago,Deanlefttheapartmentforateammeeting,witheveryintentiontospend

tonight in bed with me. So, where the hell is he? I called several times and left him
messages,allofwhichhavegoneunanswered.Heevenignoredmytextmessages,which
isstrange.

We moved past our anger toward each other weeks ago. Dean has changed so much

sinceNoahwasborn,yethebailsonmethenightwehaveplans.IrockedNoahtosleep
overanhourago,andnowhe’stakingonehismanynewbornnaps.Heneversleepsfor
more than a few hours, making it impossible to close my eyes for a minute, before I’m
draggingmyassdownthehalltofeedhim.

When I hear a loud bang at the front door, I jump up from the couch. Dean comes

stumblingintothelivingroom,trippingoverhisfeet.

“Hey,Kitten,”heslurs,comingtowardme.“Sorry,I’mlate.”

“Yousmelllikeabrewery,Dean.Wherehaveyoubeen?”

Hekissesmeonthecheek,slowlymakinghiswaydowntomyneck.“Iwentoutwith

ShaneandLiam.TheyhadahappyhourspecialatMcFadden’s.”

“I wanted you sober. Tonight was supposed to be special, Dean.” I push him away

fromme.“Youaresostupid.”

“Iwasnervous,okay?”Heclutchesmywaist.“Ineededsomeliquidcourage.”

“Courageforwhat?Tohavesexwithme?”

Henods.“Yeah,Ididn’twanttofuckthisup.ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themore

nervousIgot.”

“Well,youaredoingadamngoodjobatfuckingthingsup.So,theregoesthatbrilliant

idea.”

“I’m sorry, Kitten.” He threads his fingers between mine and drags me toward the

kitchen.“Haveadrinkwithme.”

Icoulduseabeerortwototaketheedgeoff.

Heopensthefridgeandflipsthetopsontwobeers,handingonetome.Itipthebottle

to his and take a sip. Dean steps forward to pin me against the counter with his body,
staringatmebeneathhisdarkbrows.Reachingbehindme,hesetshisbeeronthecounter
anddoesthesamewithmine.

“Areyousureyou’reallhealed?Idon’twanttohurtyou,”hesays,pushingmyhair

behindmyears.

“Yeah,we’regoodtogo.Maybetakeiteasyonmethefirsttimejustincase.”

“AndhereIthoughtIwouldgetthathatefuckyoustilloweme.”Hesaysthewords

withawickedsmirkthathardensmynipples.

“Youcanfuckmeallright,”Iwhisperagainsthislips,“aslongasyoubreakmeinat

first.”

Deanmoveshishandsuptomyhair,andwithastronggrip,hepullsmetowardhim.

Hissoftlipsgrazealongmine.“Iloveyou,Kitten,”hebreathes.

“Iloveyou,too.WehaveaboutanhourortwobeforeNoahgetsupagain.”

“Lesstalkingandmorefucking,”hesays,wigglinghiseyebrowsatme.Ilovewhen

hedoesthat.It’ssodamncute,remindingoftheearlydaysofourrelationship.

Ihookmyarmsaroundhisneckandleanintohim,partinghislipswithmytongue.He

releaseshisgriponmyhairandgrabsmyasswithbothhands.Hiserectiondigsintomy
thigh.GreedyandhungryforDean,Ipushuphisshirtandrunmypalmoverhismuscular
stomach, exploring every contour with my fingers. We take turns removing each other’s
shirts,eventuallymakingourwaytoourpants.

I’ve worn yoga pants every day since I left the hospital, making it easy for Dean to

pushthemovermyhipsanddownmylegs.Istepoutofthemandkickthepantstothe
side,fumblingwiththebuttononhisjeans.

He groans when I slip my hand into his boxers and take his length in my hand.

Massaginghissmoothskinbetweenmyfingers,Istrokehisshaftandwatchashesucksin
a deep breath. After wanting to do this for months, I crouch down in front of Dean and
stickoutmytonguetoglideitoverhissensitiveskin.

Staringdownatme,DeangripsmyhairinhishandsandwatchesmeasItakehimin

mymouth.Witheachflickofmytongue,hemoans.Myjuicesthreatentospilldownmy
legfromthepleasureIgetfrommakingDeancome.

Deanhelpsmeuptomyfeetandgripsmebythehips,liftingmeuptolowermeonto

thekitchencounter.Heremovestherestofhisclothesbeforeheleansforwardtograzehis

lips along mine. My body shuts down, as Dean takes my bottom lip in his mouth and
sucksonit.

He’ssoroughandaggressive,yetsoftandtender.Everymomentthathasleduptothis

onewasworthit.Ourbodiesmeldtogether,withourlovefusingasone.Asourtongues
tangletogether,Igetlostinthemomentandthepurepleasurethatcomesfrombeingwith
Dean.

Ineverwanthishandstoleavemybodyorhistonguetostopdoingwhateverhedoes

to make every nerve ending come alive at once. With each kiss, our relationship
strengthens. Our bond grows stronger. The animalistic passion we both crave consumes
us,takingourlovetonewheights.

AsDeanslideshishandsupmythighs,heatrushesovermybodyinwaves.Ourlips

separatelongenoughforhimtodiphisheaddowntosuckonmynipple,gentlytuggingit
withhisteeth.Hepalmsmybreastsinhishands,takinghisturnwitheachone.

With my nipple between his teeth, Dean peeks up at me, eventually kissing his way

back up to my lips. He stares at me with so much hunger that his blue eyes command
authority over me. Spreading my legs wider, Dean grips my thighs and lowers himself
betweenthem.

Heleavesatrailofkissesashemakeshiswaytomythrobbingcore.Liketherestof

him,Dean’stonguehasthepowertoownmybody.Andhedoes.Mymanknowshowto
sendmeovertheedge,rippingthescreamsfrommybodyintheprocess.

“Dean,”Imoanandrockmyhipsagainsthismouth,asItakeachunkofhisdarkhair

betweenmyfingers.

Hestopslongenoughtoglanceupatmeandsay,“That’sit,Kitten.Comeforme.”

Myentirebodycomesalive,setablazewitheachflickofDean’stongue.It’snotlong

beforeIfindmyrelease,repeatedlywhisperinghisnameintheprocess.Hegivesmeallof
twosecondstoopenmyeyesandtrytorecoupbeforeheliftsmeupfromthecounterand
throwsmeoverhisshoulder,asIweighnothing.

He smacks my ass on his way to the bedroom, careful not to make too much noise.

WithNoahinhisbedroom,weshouldhaveenoughtimebeforehewakesupforhisnext
feeding.Ihope.

Deanlowersmeontothemattress,crawlsbetweenmylegs,andpositionshimselfat

my entrance. He rubs his cock along my folds, forcing a soft moan from my mouth.
Tryinghisbestnottohurtme,Deanslidesinsideme,inchinghiswayalittleatatime.But
he’slongandthick,whichtakesawhileformetogetusedtoaftersolongofawait.

AfterIadjusttohissize,thepainlessens,eachthrustquicklyturningtopleasure.He

leansforwardandplaceshiselbowsonbothsidesofmyheadandkissesmyneck,before
makinghiswaytomylips.AsDeanpicksupthepace,hekissesmejustashard.Mybody
relaxes,andIlosemyselfwithDean,eventuallyworkinginarhythmicmotionalongwith
his body. My body convulses, the grip I have on him tightening, as a ripple of pleasure
rocksthroughme.

It’s hard to believe that I lasted eight months without this. Dean takes me to new

heightseverytimewearetogether,eachtimebetterthanthelast.Eventually,ourmoans
becomeone,bothofuslosingcontrol,aswefindourrelease.

Hecollapsesontopofmeandkissesmeonthelips,beforerollingontohissideofthe

mattress.Deantugsatmyarmtopullmeontohischest.Icurlupintothenookbetween
hisarmandshoulderandrestmyheadonhischest.

“You need to show me how much you love me every night,” I choke out. “I almost

forgothowgoodwearetogether.”

Heflashesoneofhissexysmirks.“Iwouldbehappytogiveyouanotherreminder.”

Outofbreath,Imutter,“Andthistime,don’tgoeasyonme.”

Helaughs.“I’mnotevenclosetodonewithyou.Icouldhavetenmorebabieswith

you,Kitten.”

“Idon’tthinkIcouldhandletenmoreofNoah.”

Hecocksaneyebrowatme.“Really?Ithoughtwecouldmakeourownhockeyteam.”

“Get out of here.” I tap him on the arm, laughing. “If you want that many kids, you

cantrypushingthemout.”

“Forallyouknow,anotherbabyisgrowinginsideyourightnow.”

“You’reanamazingfather,Dean.Ourchildrenareluckytohaveyou.”

“I always knew you would be a good mom. You took care of the twins and me all

throughcollege.”

Ilaugh.“IguessIwasliketheunofficialhousemothertoyouidiots.Someonehadto

keepyourassesincheck.”

“Istillneedyoutokeepmeontrack.”Hesqueezesmetightagainsthim.“Youmake

meabetterman,Kitten.”

“Wemakeagoodteam,”Iconfess.

He nods, rubbing his chin against my head. Then, he takes my hand and wraps it

aroundhisgrowingerection.

Ipeekupathimwithasmileonmylips.“Doesthismeanyouwanttomakeanother

babyrightnow?”

“Iwantitallwithyou,Kitten.”

His words are like music to my ears. After waiting months for Dean to forgive me,

Noahhasbroughtusbacktogether.Deanisstillmybestfriend,exceptnowhe’sthefather
ofmysonandtheloveofmylife.

C H A P T E R 2 4

NinemonthsafterNoah’sbirth

MAKE

it through the door and rush into Noah’s bedroom with a few minutes to spare

beforeDeancallsoutfromthelivingroomthathe’shome.

“Inhere,”Isay,myfingersworkingfastertogetNoahintohisnewshirt.Ididn’twant

toruinthesurprise.Afewminuteslaterandallofmyplanningwouldhavegonetoshit.

“Kitten.” Dean hugs me from behind, just as I lift Noah from the dressing table and

holdhimtightagainstmychest.Heburieshisfaceinmyneckandreachesaroundtorub
Noahonhisback.“Imissedyoutwosomuchthisweek.”

“Wemissedyou,too,Daddy.”IturnaroundtofaceDeanandplantakissonhislips.

Noahstirsinmyarms,makingthosecutebabysoundsIlovesomuch.Henappedall

through my appointment and the entire car ride back to the condo. All week, Noah has
only taken short catnaps, depriving me of sleep. With Dean on the road, it’s as if Noah
sensesthathe’snotaround.AtleastDeanishomewithusnow—wherehebelongs.

My lids are heavy, but the adrenaline that rushes through my veins is keeping me

awake.WhenDeancupsthesideofmyfacewithhishand,Ileanintohistouchandclose
my eyes. Dean parts my lips with his tongue, leaving me wanting more, before bending
downtopresshislipstoNoah’sforehead.

“Hey,LittleMan.HaveyoubeenkeepingyourMommyoutoftrouble?”

Ilaugh.“Noahhastokeepyouinline,notme.”

DeanpeelsNoahfrommyarmsandholdshimuptomakefunnyfacesathim.Noah

gigglesatDean.

“Didyounoticehisshirt?”

Deanlooksatme,confused.“Isitnew?”

“Didyouevenbothertoreadit?”

HeglancesatNoah’sshirt,hiseyesandmouthwideninginshock.“I’mgoingtobea

bigbrother,”hereadsaloud.Deanholdsmewithhisintensegaze,asmileformingonhis
lips.“Areyoupregnant?”

I take his hand and place it on my stomach. “I wanted to be sure before I said

anything.”

“Areyoukidding?”

“Nope.Yousaidyouwantedtostartyourownteam.Well,here’syourchance.”

Speechless,heshakeshisheadindisbelief.“Ididn’tthinkitwouldbesosoon.”

“Meneither,butthat’showthingsworkwithus.Areyouhappy?”

“Ofcourse,Iam,Kitten.I’mstillinshock,Iguess.”

“Doyouwanttoseethesonogram?”

“Yeah, hand it over.” He holds out his palm to me. “This time, everything will be

different.I’mnotmissingasingledoctor’sappointment.”

“Unfortunately,youmissedthisone,butIswearIwasn’tkeepingasecretfromyou.I

suspectedIwaspregnantagainafterImissedaperiodortwo.Noahkeepsmesobusythat
Icouldn’tevenremembermycycle.Ithoughtitwouldbeafunsurpriseforyoutohave
Noahannouncethatyou’regoingtobeafatheragain.”

IpullDean’sprintoutofthesonogramfrommybackpocketandplaceitinhispalm.

Hebringsituptohisfacetostudythepicture,grinninglikeafool.WithNoah,Iwasso
afraid of ruining Dean’s life that I hid the truth. Underestimating Dean was the biggest
mistakeIevermade.

“Whatisthatotherdot?”Deanpointsatthepaper,holdingitouttome.

“Yourchild.”

Hepeeksupatme.Hisexpressionisunreadable.“Arewehavingtwins?”

Isigh.“Yes.CanyouimaginetwomorejustlikeNoah?Orlikemybrothers?”

Dean laughs. “I don’t know about two more like Theo and Tucker, but I want more

babieslikeNoah.”

“Twinsareahandful;Iwouldknow.I’msogladyourmomfinallysoldherhouseand

ismovingheretohelpus.”

“Me,too.WaituntilItellher.Shewillflipoutbutinagoodway.”ShiftingNoahto

hislefthip,Deanhookshisarmaroundmeandpullsmeintohischest.“Areyoureadyto
beabigbrother?”DeanasksNoah,whosmilesupathim.

Ineverexpectedtofallinlovewithmybestfriend.WhenImetDeanourfreshman

year of college, I thought he was another one of my father’s fanboys. That much is still
true,buthebecamemyfriend,theonepersonwhoIcouldtalktowhenIneededsomeone
most.Now,weareafamily.

FTER

DINNER

,DeanofferstowatchNoah,whileIsinkintothecouchcushionsandclose

my eyes. Dean takes Noah into his bedroom to play on the floor with some of his new
toys,givingMommyamuch-neededbreak.Sleephasbeennon-existentsinceNoahwas
born.Ilovehimtodeath,butIhadnoideaIwouldneversitdownorgetadecentnightof
sleepeveragain.Maybeinafewyears,Ihadtoldmyself—untilthedoctorconfirmedmy
pregnancy.

Deanisahugehelpwhenhe’shome.Toobadwespendalotoftimeapartbecauseof

hishockeyschedule.AndIneedmysleep.Nowthatwehavetwomorebabiesontheway,
IamlookingforwardtoDean’smothercomingtolivewithusnowmorethanever.Family
isthemostimportantthinginbothofourlives.

IdozeoffforwhatIswearisonlyfiveminutesbeforeIhearDeantalkingtoNoahin

hisbabyvoice.Deanissoadorablewhenhespeakstohiminthetonehereservesonlyfor
ourchild.Pretendingtosleep,Ikeepmyeyesshut,butDeanhasotherplans.Hedropsto
thefloornexttomeandplacesNoahonmystomach.

Iturnmyheadtolookathim.“Dean,c’mon.Ineedafewmoreminutes.”

With a good grip on the baby, he holds him in place and leans in closer. “Noah has

somethinghewantstoshowyou.”

“What do you want to show me, sweetie?” He has no idea what I am saying but

gigglesatthesoundofmyvoice.IgrabNoah’slittlefingers.Asilkpouchfallsfromhis
handandontomychest.

IlookatDean,withacurioussmileonmyface.“Didyougetmethathockeycharm

wesawatthemall?”

“Nope,Igotyousomethingbetter.”

Itugatthetinystringsholdingthebagclosed,andadiamondengagementringslides

outandintomyhand.MymouthwidensinshockasDeantakestheringfromme.

“I…”Ihavetroublegettingoutthewords.“Arewe?Areyou?”

Henods.“Ihadtheperfectengagementallplannedoutbeforeyoutoldmeaboutthe

twins,butyoumademerealizethatwedon’tneedagrandgesturetoshoweachotherhow
muchweloveeachother.Plus,NoahshouldbeherewhenIaskyouthemostimportant
questionIwilleveraskyou.”

“Icouldn’tagreemore.”Iwipeawaythetearsthatslidedownmycheeks.

Dean holds Noah with one hand and the ring in the other, staring into my eyes. “I

wantedtobemorethanyourfriendafterthefirsttimewekissed.Ialwaysknewyouwere
theonebutwastooafraidtoruinourfriendship.”

“IfnotforNoah,whoknowswherewewouldberightnow.”

“Iwouldhavefoughtforyou,Kitten.Inevergaveuponyou.Inevergaveuponus.

Timewasallweneeded.”

“Andnowlookatus.”Ismile.“Canyoubelievewe’reonlytwenty-fiveandaboutto

havetwomorebabies?ThiswasnotatallhowIthoughtmyfuturewouldturnout.”

“Idid,”hewhispers.“Wewereafamilylongbeforeweeverhadone.Atleastnowit’s

official.”

Ireachuptotouchhischeek.“Iloveyou,Dean.”

Hegrazeshislipsalongmyfingers,holdingmygaze.“Iloveyou,too,Kitten.”Dean

clearshisthroatandsitsupstraighter.“Okay,heregoes.WhyamIsonervous?”

“Don’tbe,”Itellhim.“It’sjustme.I’mstillthesamegirlyoustalkedfreshmanyear.”

Helaughs.“Ididnotstalkyou.Iobservedyoufromadistance.There’sadifference.”

“Observing. Stalking. Same difference.” I flash a wicked grin at him. “I’m glad you

foundme.Itwasoneofthebestdaysofmylife.”

“Mine, too. I’d thought that meeting Nick Baldwin’s daughter was about as close to

meetingsomeonefamousasIwouldevercome.Ineverexpectedustobecomefriends.”

“Whatdidyouexpect?”

He shrugs. “I wanted to see if you had some of his hockey skills. And you do. That

wasn’twhatheldmyinterest.You’rebeautiful,eveninfullgear.Icouldn’ttakemyeyes
offyouonceIsawyou.”

“So,youlied,”Ijoke.“Dean,howcouldyou?”

“Hey,let’snotgotherewiththelies.Okay,woman?”

Ihuff,pretendingtobeannoyed.“Backthen,Ineverthoughtyousawmeasanything

otherthanoneoftheguys.”

“Never,”headmits.“Ijustlearnedtothinkofyouasafriend.Inthebeginning,itwas

hardtoseparatemyfeelingsforyou,butIvaluedyourfriendshiptoomuchtomessthings
up.WhenthetwinscametoStrickUoursophomoreyear,thatwasevenmoreofareason
tokeepourrelationshipplatonic.”

“It’scrazyhowmanymiscommunicationswehadincollege.”

Dean clutches the ring between his fingertips. “But we found our way back to each

other.

“All of that is in the past, Dean. We have our future to look forward to now. You

shouldprobablyaskmetomarryyoubeforeIchangemymind,”Isay,laughing.

Heshakeshisheadatme,amused.“KatherineBaldwin,mybestfriend,myKitten,the

loveofmylifeandmotherofmychildren,willyoumarryme?”

I nod, the tears streaming down my face and onto my shirt. “Yes, of course, I will

marryyou,Dean.”Iholdoutmyhandforhimtosliptheringonmyfinger.

NoahraiseshisarmintheairandthenslapsitdownonDean’sforearm,laughingto

himself.

“Doesthatmeanyouapprove,LittleMan?”

Noahgigglesagain.

“He can be our ring bearer,” I tell Dean, smiling at Noah. “We should wait until the

twinsareborn,sotheycanpartofthewedding,too.”

“Youwanttowaitthatlong?”

“Yeah,Ithinkso.Why?Whatwereyouplanning?”

“Iwouldmarryyouonthisfloorinsweatpantsifyouwouldletme.”

“Well,that’snotgonnahappen.You’recute,butnotthatcute.”Ipinchhischeek.“My

dadandbrotherswouldkillyouiftheywerenotincludedinourwedding.Sowouldyour
mom.”

“No,you’reright.Ourfamilieshavetobethere.”

“My dad will spare no expense. Prepare yourself for every Hockey Hall of Fame

membertobeatourwedding.”

Deangrinslikeanidiot.“Thatalonemakesmewanttospeedupthiswedding.”

Irollmyeyesathim.“I’msureitdoes.Whenaregoingtostartactinglikeyou’rea

bigdeal?YouwereRookieoftheYear.Oneday,youwillbeuptherewithmydadandhis
friends.”

“Thatwouldbenice.Ihopeso.”

“Iknowso,”Isay,confident.“IknewthatafterthefirsttimeIwatchedyouplay.”

Herubshisthumbalongmyjawforasecondandsmiles.“Thanks,Kitten.”

IsituptomakeroomforDean,whotakesNoahinhisarmsandsitshimonhislap,

givingusenoughtimetosneakinaquickkissbeforeNoahdemandsourattentiononce
more. We will never have a second to ourselves again, but I wouldn’t have it any other
way.

E P I L O G U E

Threeyearslater

ean

“H

OLD

STILL

,” I tell Kat, who is wincing in pain and squeezing the life from my hand.

“It’salmostover.”

Shesucksinadeepbreath.“ThishurtsmorethanIthoughtitwould,andIpoppedout

threekids.”

IliftmyotherhandtoshowKattheweddingbandIhaddrawnontomyskin.Since

hockeyhadbroughtustogether,wewantedtohaveasymboltoremindusofhowwefell
in love. Two hockey sticks wrap around our ring fingers and cross over the other, now
markingthespotwheremyweddingbandoncewas,brandingourloveforoneanother.

TruetoBaldwinfashion,Kat’sfatherhadinsistedwehaveourweddingathisestate

outsideofChicago.EveryhockeyplayerI’didolizedasachildwasinattendancetocheer
us on along with some of the current players in the league. According to all the sports
magazines,itwastheweddingoftheyear.Anditwas.Nicksparedzeroexpense.Wehad
foodonthemenuIstillhavenoideahowtopronounce.

Kat’sbrothersandsomeofmyteammateshaddressedintheiruniforms,holdingout

theirhockeystickstoformthewalkwaythatleduptothealtar.Everythingaboutthatday
wasperfect.Oursonswerepartofourwedding.WithNoahbeingtheoldest,hewasour
ringbearer.Hestartedwalkingrightbeforetheceremony,makingiteasierformymomto
bringhimdowntheaislewithourrings.

Nick held Owen and Oliver in his arms as we said our vows. They were only a few

monthsoldwhenKatandIgotmarried.Butatleasttheywereinthepicturesandpresent
for our special day. As I sit in the tattoo parlor, waiting for Kat to finish with her ink, I
realizehowpointlessourweddingbandshavebecome,thoughtheystillhavemeaningto
bothofus.

“Oww,”Katsays,onefinaltimebeforethetattooartistliftstheneedlefromherskin

androllshischairback.

“Alldone,”theartistsays,admiringhishandywork.“Whatdoyouthink?”

Katholdsherhanduptoherface,withhermouthtwistedinpain.“It’sperfect.”She

peeksupatmebetweenherfingers,pinningmedownwithherbrightblueeyes.“Ican’t
believeIletyoutalkmeintothis.”

IhelpKatupfromthechair.“Why?Areyouregrettingitalready?”

Sheshakesherhead.“No,ofcoursenot.IwouldneverregretasingledecisionImade

withyou.Ourtattoosarepermanent.Forever.”

Ikissherontheforehead.“Justlikeourlove.”

“Somehow, you always know the right thing to say.” She leans her head on my

shoulderwithasmileonherbeautifulface.“Youandoursonsaremyforever.”

“Forever,Kitten,”Iwhisperinherear.

Fallinginlovewithmybestfriendledtosomeofthehardest,mostgruelingyearsof

mylife.Butintheend,everymomentthatleduptothisonewasworthit.

TheBaldwinBrothersSeriesiscomingin2018.Thisfamilyissomuchfunformeto

write.IfyoulovedKatandDean,youwillseethemagaininalloftheBaldwinBrothers

books.

Makesureyou’refollowingmynewslettertogetthelatestupdatesonDuke,Austin,Theo,

andTuckerBaldwin’sbooks.

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HERE

Formoreinformation,visit

JillianQuinnBooks.com

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STANDALONENOVELS

MoreThanRoommates

A B O U T T H E A U T H O R

illian Quinn is an international bestselling romance author who likes her
females just as alpha as their swoon-worthy male counterparts. As a writer
and sports fanatic, Jillian combines her passion for both hobbies into her
books. When she’s not reading, writing, or blogging, Jillian is obsessively

fangirlingoverhockeyplayersandcanbefoundwherevershecancatchthenexthockey
game.

FormoreinformationaboutJillian’sbooks,visitherwebsiteat

JillianQuinnBooks.com

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Document Outline

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Epilogue

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