OUT OF THE FLAMES

© 2012 by E.M. Leya

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work for use in an educational environment may be

directed to the author.

This book is a work of fiction. References to historical

events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously.

Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the

product of the author's imagination, and any

resemblance to actual events or persons or locales,

living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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by twobee

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Epilogue

About the Author

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

As with any book, there are always people behind

the scenes that make it all come together. First and
foremost I want to thank Sarah for stepping up and
saving me. You are my LIFESAVER and this book
would not be half of what it is without your help. You
stepped in when I needed you without hesitation. Thank
you for the hard work and time you put into it, but even
more important, thank you for our friendship.

To the others who helped make this book and

dealt with my mistakes and impatience, I owe you more
thanks than you know. Laura, Sandra, Toni, Victoria,
and Tammie, you are all appreciated and I couldn't do
this without you.

CHAPTER ONE

Carl Barlow sat in his car as he stared at the fire

station fifty feet away from him. Perspiration rose on the
back of his neck and he wiped it off with a swipe of his
hand. He had no reason to be nervous. This was his life.
After all, had he not spent his entire life as a firefighter?
Then why was he finding this so hard?

The past still haunted him. He debated if he was

making the right choice. Maybe he should just leave the
career, settle down and find a job at some local store.
Forget fires, forget the alarms, and most of all forget the
past.

He rested his head against the steering wheel, his

hands white knuckling the bottom half, as he thought
about leaving. It would be so easy to drive off and
forget the interview. By doing that, it would force him to
find a new career, and leave the path he had always
known behind.

He reminded himself that this was Idaho, not New

York. No one knew him here and he could make a
fresh start. He raised his head, once more and eyed the
station doors. This was his life, what he did. He would
never be happy stocking shelves or dealing with irate
customers. He was a firefighter through and through,
and to think for a minute that he could give that up, no
matter how many ghosts might haunt him, was crazy.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the car door and

stepped out. While tucking his keys into his pocket,
Carl gave the building a final glance and decided to seal
his fate. This was the final step in completing his new life
and leaving the past behind.

Carl walked into the fire station ignoring all the

looks that the other firefighters, who lingered around the
engine, cast his way. He wasn't here to make friends.
His recent move from New York had taken a lot of his
savings, and he needed a job. Even more than that, he
loved what he did. Just walking past the big engine, his
pulse skipped at the thought of being out on a call.

As he headed toward the back office, he fisted his

hands at his side to remind himself to be patient. The
job wasn't his yet, though he knew the chance of them

turning him away with his years of service was slim. He
raised his hand, knocked on the door, and waited.

Someone called from inside to enter. Carl reached

up, turned the knob on the door, and stepped inside.
The small office looked like every other firehouse office
he had seen. Paper strewn across the desk and a
couple of pictures sure to be the captain's family sat on
the back corner. In the large chair sat the captain with a
welcoming smile.

He stood up and offered his hand. "I'm Captain

Reed, but you can call me Tom. Please have a seat."

Carl reached out and took the males hand firmly in

his, shaking it once before giving a nod and taking a
seat in the chair at the side of the desk. "Thank you,
Tom. I'm Carl Barlow." He settled his hands in his lap,
and reminded himself to be professional. Hell, he hadn't
applied for a job in years and was completely out of his
comfort zone now that he was here. "Thanks for taking
the time to meet with me."

Captain Reed grinned, and pointed to a folder on

his desk. "How could I not. I read the file they sent me
from your old company in New York, and I have to

say, you have quite a reputation. I fear you might be a
bit bored here in our little town after I saw all the
service awards and honors you've received in the past."

"Slow and boring is just what I wanted when I

moved here to Hapton. Life in New York was getting
old. It was time for a change. I think this is just what I'm
looking for." Carl nodded to the folder. "Those awards
mean nothing. I just happened to be in the right place at
the right time. And there were a lot of good men by my
side."

Carl ran his fingers through his short, blond hair,

hating that the focus was on those stupid awards he had
been required to accept. Being in the spotlight for doing
what he was paid to do, and enjoyed doing, just didn't
make sense to him. There were many more deserving
people out there to honor.

Captain Reed seemed to understand and let the

subject drop. "Well, I'm more than prepared to offer
you a position here with us. We lost two firefighters
when they up and joined the Army a couple months
back. You can imagine in a town this size it's not so
easy to find qualified help. To have someone with your

experience would be a great asset to our company." He
reached for his coffee cup, taking a long drink while
watching Carl over the rim. "The job is yours, if you
would like it."

The relief Carl felt surprised him. After all, he

knew if they had a position open, he had a damn good
chance of landing the job. Reaching across the desk, he
once again offered his hand. "Thank you, Tom, I will
enjoy working with you and the others. Have to admit,
I've missed it while I have been in the process of
moving and getting settled."

What he hadn't missed were the looks of

sympathy he had got from everyone around him in New
York. Hell, you would think after ten years they would
have moved on… Forgotten. But no. Not a day had
gone by when someone hadn't brought up Bill's name.
Wasn't ten years long enough to let the man rest in
peace? Enough was enough. Carl had quit his job,
packed up, and left as fast as he could.

It wasn't as if the move would help him personally,

or ease his pain. He still woke up in tears after dreaming
of Bill and the life the two of them shared together

before the assholes on 9/11 had taken it from them.
But, having everyone around him keep bringing it up.
To have Bill's name mentioned every time he tried to
forget and move on, had taken its toll. He was ready for
a new life, and as he took the paperwork to fill out from
the captain, he prayed he had found it.

As the captain excused himself from the office to

allow Carl to work on the hire packet, he leafed
through the pages blindly as he thought about how much
Bill would have liked it here. He never liked the fast
pace and crowds of New York, and more than once
they had talked about moving to some place new. God,
how he wished they had done that. Maybe then Bill
would still be alive and Carl wouldn't be so God damn
lonely.

Lonely as he was, he just couldn't bring himself to

date. Over ten long years now he had refused set ups,
offers, and invitations from other men. His heart just
wasn't in it. He knew it was crazy, and Bill wouldn't
want him moping around thinking of the past all the
time. The truth was, he just hadn't met anyone who
would or could be all that Bill was to him.

Forcing thoughts of Bill to the back of his mind, he

started filling out the basic questions on the paperwork,
pausing only when it asked for next of kin and
emergency contacts. He thought about his sick and
aging mother back in New York. Leaving her behind
had been the hardest part of the move. His mom lived
with her sister now, the dementia making it impossible
for her to live alone. As much as she had wanted him to
stay, he needed to do this for himself. Staying in New
York any longer would have killed him.

It was his own fault. He was the one who had

withdrawn and pushed everyone away. In his grief,
solitude seemed to be the only solution and he would
never find that solitude staying there.

A knock on the door cut off his thoughts as he

looked up from his nearly completed paperwork. The
face and smile that met him had his heart skipping beats.

"Hey, I'm Jim. The captain asked me to show you

around the place." The deep voice that went with that
smile, so unlike his own heavy New York accent,
caused his heart to race.

Clearing his throat, Carl stood, and held his hand

out to the man in front of him. Jim had deep green eyes,
tanned, olive skin, thick black hair and a smile that
would break hearts, no matter what team you batted
for. Jim had it all. He was one of those who were just
naturally handsome. Every bone was set perfectly in his
chiseled face. Ever hair lay neatly over his head. Every
muscle, trim and defined, molded over his body. It was
impossible to guess his age. He could be anywhere
from twenty-five to thirty-five, give or take a few years
either way.

Carl smiled as he forced his focus to the man's

face. "Nice to meet you, I'm Carl." He glanced back at
the paper work. "Give me three minutes to finish this
up?"

Jim smiled. "Sure, take your time. I bet we are in

for a long night of nothing, course most nights are like
that around here. But, that's a good thing, right? I will
be by the engine when you're ready."

"Thanks, be right out." Carl watched the male

walk off. His gaze traveled down Jim's body as he
stepped away, unable to miss the flex of muscles
playing against the dark blue pants he wore.

Damn it, get your head on why you're here. He

was off kilter feeling attraction for someone. Sensing a
part of him come alive he could have sworn had died
away with his partner. Cursing softly, he quickly finished
the paperwork, set it on the center of the desk, and
reminded himself he was here to work and the last thing
he was interested in was another man. He's probably
straight anyway.

With a shake of his head, he wondered what the

hell he was thinking. He hadn't thought of another man
in ten years, and suddenly his mind was taking him
places that he didn't want to go. He moved here to
close doors, not open new ones.

Seeing Jim standing by the back of the large fire

engine, he took a breath to clear his head and forced a
smile. "Hey, thanks for waiting."

Jim turned toward him with the same melt-your-

heart-smile on his face. "No problem. I'm glad we are
getting some extra help here. Not that we are so busy,
but putting in the extra hours to cover shifts has been
hard on all of us."

"Well, I will take all the hours I can get, so you

should be getting your time off once I settle in." Carl fell
into step beside Jim as he headed out of the garage and
down a small hallway.

"Where ya from?"
"New York, born and raised. Worked there about

fifteen years." Carl prayed Jim would not ask any more
questions about it.

"New York City? Well 'fraid you might be bored

here, we ain't near as busy as the big city stations." Jim
opened a door and stepped into the bunk area. "We
have twelve guys on total we rotate through. You make
number thirteen." Jim turned and smiled. "Funny, you
don't look unlucky." He winked before turning out of
the room.

Carl was stunned at what the simple wink did to

his body. Parts of him stirred that had been asleep for
so long he doubted they would ever wake up again.
The feeling had Carl off balance. He felt like a teenage
boy flirting for the first time. Had he misread the wink?
Was it just friendly teasing, or was there more to it?

Carl had never been one to hide his sexual

orientation, but he didn't think it was obvious just by

looking. Hell, he looked just like every other firefighter.
Blond hair cut short, almost in a military buzz, best for
facing the flames of a raging fire, crystal blue eyes,
tanned skin from too much time outside, and standing at
a little over six feet tall, he thought he blended in with all
the others.

As he followed along behind Jim, he once again

warned himself to get his thoughts under control before
he made a major mistake and lost the job he had just
started. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he was
silent as Jim pointed out the shower, the bathrooms,
and finally the den. In the den, he smiled at the four
other men as they glanced up as Jim gave the
introductions.

There was a universal respect between firefighters,

and as he shook hands with the men who he would rely
on to watch his back, protect his life, he felt an
immediate sense of brotherhood, almost family.

After several minutes of hellos and small talk about

where he had moved from, if he had family here, and a
few other questions, Carl heard Jim clear his throat.

"You guys can hound him for info later, let me

finish the tour. I'm sure he will be picking up shifts soon
and you'll get your chance to gossip like a bunch of
girls." Jim turned and headed out of the room, ignoring
several middle fingers that flipped his way.

Laughing, Carl said his goodbye and followed Jim

to the last room in the hall, and knew immediately what
it was before he set foot in. The smell had his mouth
watering as he wandered toward the stove.

"And my favorite room of all, the kitchen." Jim

stepped to the pot on the stove, and lifted the lid on a
large pot of chili. "Would you look at that, just in time."
He lifted a spoonful of chili from the pan and held it up.
"You want to play taste-tester?"

Something about the way Jim met his stare as he

lifted the spoon toward him had his body stirring again.
He didn't even try to avoid Jim's gaze. Giving a slight
nod, Carl leaned in and blew lightly on the spoon Jim
held, before sliding his mouth over the end, taking the
bite of chili from it. There was something intimate and
personal about eating out of Jim's hand instead of taking
the spoon in his own, but he didn't think twice about
doing it.

With his gaze still locked with Jim's, he smiled as

his taste buds exploded with the flavor of the chili. "This
is damn good. Maybe the best I've ever tasted."

Really? You think?" Jim tossed the spoon into the

sink. "It's something new I'm trying. I'm going to enter
the chili cook-off this year at the local fair. I've been
trying to beat old Mrs. Stanley for five years now, think
this year I really have a chance."

Carl had to laugh at how excited and serious Jim

was. "Hell, I can't think of anything that could be better
than this. I'm making sure I work with you if this is what
is on the menu every night."

"Want a bowl?"
"You got enough? I don't want to take from the

others while they are on shift."

"I always make enough for extras. Never know

who's going to drop in around here." He reached for
two bowls from the cupboard. "Some of the old timers
like to drop by. They claim they are just saying hi, but I
think they miss this. Not to mention, they sneak out to
get away from the wives."

Carl took the large bowl Jim served for him and

grabbed his spoon from the sink before heading over to
the table. He pulled out a chair and took a seat. "Well,
if this doesn't win the cook-off, I can't imagine the chili
that does. This is perfect." He had been living off fast
food and TV dinners so long, that sitting down to a hot
meal, with someone else for that matter, was a nice
change.

"I've thought that the last couple years, but she

beats me every time. Think she is paying off the judges.
I can't see any other way she could keep winning." Jim
took another bite, before getting up and going to the
fridge. "Care for a soda or something? Bottled water?"

"Water would be perfect. Thanks." Carl shoveled

another bite into his mouth, still amazed at the taste.
"You guys always eat this good?"

"We do when Jim is working." The captain walked

in, going for his own bowl. "I see you're spoiling him
already, huh Jim? Next he will be requesting to work
nights you're on like the rest of the crew."

Carl watched as Jim blushed at the compliment,

lowering his head almost shyly.

"No, I will work any night you need me to.

However, I might just have to drop by on my nights off
for dinner if Jim cooks like this every time he works."

The captain grabbed a drink from the refrigerator.

"He does if we don't have any calls. Jim is the best
cook in town, just ask anyone here. Most of us would
rather be eating his grub than home with some of the
stuff our wives make."

Carl laughed. "Well then I will look at it as an

added bonus to the job. Have to say, I don't eat nearly
this well at home."

"Your wife must cook like mine," the captain said

as he took a seat beside them.

"I'm not married, never have been." Carl didn't

miss the way Jim raised his gaze to him at the comment.

"Well, with a record like yours, I can see why.

You must have lived at work to get those
recommendations. I ain't seen a file like yours in all my
years of doing this, and that's a lot longer than I will
ever admit to you two," the captain added with a
smiled.

Carl took another bite, ignoring the comment, not

wanting to be known for the shit in his past. He wanted

a fresh start, and that meant leaving even the awards
and reputation he had behind.

"So you like Hapton so far?" Jim asked, almost as

if he understood that Carl needed a change of topic.

"I love it. Don't know why I didn't do this sooner.

Getting out of that big city was the best choice I ever
made. It's like night and day. Everything is so quiet,
peaceful and slow paced here compared to New
York." He set his spoon down and sat back. "You born
here, Jim?"

"Yeah, well, next town over, but close enough.

Around here, one town is like the other until you get to
Boise or one of the larger cities. I moved over to
Hapton when I got this job." He played with the label
on his water bottle. "I can't really see going anywhere
else. I've traveled a bit, but I always come back home."

"You married?" Carl asked, wishing it was more

of a casual question and he wasn't so interested in
knowing.

"Nope, like you, I never took the plunge. Doubt I

ever will." Jim glanced up smiling.

The captain coughed and stood to set his bowl in

the sink, seemingly in a hurry to get out of the kitchen.
"Jim, thanks for dinner. Damn good as always." He was
out the door before Jim could respond.

Carl watched Jim sigh as he ran his hand through

his thick dark hair. "Truth is I'm gay. Captain has never
been very comfortable with it, probably why he ran out
of here so fast. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy.
He's just not comfortable when it comes up or he has to
think about it."

Carl respected Jim's honesty. It took guts to come

out, especially in a small town like this where for the
most part, people weren't as open minded as in the
larger cities. Carl had wondered about it when he
decided to move, but with his inactive sex life, and his
lack of desire to have one, he figured it would never be
an issue.

"There are folks like him all over." Carl met Jim's

eyes once more. "As long as they don't give you any
shit for it, right."

Jim exhaled as if he had been holding his breath,

waiting for Carl's reaction. "Right and none of the guys
here do. They all know. I have my life and they have

theirs. I've learned when they all get to talking about sex
and their wives or girlfriends, just to sit quiet."

"Are you dating anyone?" Carl frowned at his own

question. What the hell did it matter if the guy was
dating anyone? It didn't make a bit of difference to Carl.
He wasn't interested in Jim's personal life. Yet, he kept
his stare locked with Jim's as he waited for the answer.

"Nope, haven't dated for a while now. As you can

guess, not a whole hell of a lot of options in a town this
size."

That was what Carl had hoped when he picked

Hapton. He wanted somewhere that people wouldn't
be trying to set him up all the time or push him into
dating. He just wanted to be left alone.

The sound of the alarm going off overhead had

both of them rising from their seats. It was pure habit
for Carl and he laughed at himself as he waved at Jim.
"Go. I will turn off the stove and clean up. Thanks again
for dinner."

"Thanks." Jim gave a wave as he headed for the

door. "I'll look forward to working with you soon."

Carl watched him go, his own blood rushing

though his veins even though he wasn't going to be
going on this call. It was part of who he was. That bell
sounded and you couldn't help but feel your adrenalin
rush. Grabbing both bowls off the table, he took them
to the sink where the captain's bowl sat and washed
them by hand before setting them aside to dry. He felt
at home here already. Not just in Hapton, but at the
station. He looked forward to being on the schedule
and getting his hands dirty once again. Tossing the
water bottles into the trash, he turned off the stove,
flipped off the kitchen light, and headed down the hall.

It was strange how silent the station was with only

him around. He thought back and tried to recall ever
being alone in a station before. He had always been the
one out on the call. Being left behind gave him an empty
feeling.

Making his way back to the captain's office, he left

a quick note for him to call with his schedule, letting him
know he was available any night they needed him. He
slipped out the side door, making sure it locked behind
him. Turning he gave one last longing glance at the
station before getting into his car and heading home.

CHAPTER TWO

Breaking down the last of the empty cardboard

boxes that had littered his living room, Carl tossed it in
the pile with the others. He finally had everything
unpacked. He was sure he would move things around a
couple hundred times before he was happy, but being
rid of the stacked boxes made him feel like the move
was final and he was really home.

It was strange living in a house after so many years

in an apartment. He enjoyed the freedom of knowing
the place was his, and he could do anything he wanted.
Never having had a backyard before, it quickly became
his sanctuary. He loved to sit out back to watch the
birds come and go as he enjoyed his dinner with a glass
or two of wine. He even loved curling up on the patio
couch to read late into the night, or until the mosquitoes
finally drove him inside.

Dusting his hands off on his jeans, he made his

way to the kitchen, grabbed an apple off the counter,

and headed back into the living room to flop down on
the couch and flip on the TV.

He glanced at the clock, and frowned when he

saw it was after five. He had hoped to hear from the
captain today. He wanted to get on the schedule and
start work, but the call never came. He was just
impatient. It would take a few days to process the
paperwork and get him worked into the rotation, but he
was starting to get restless. The small taste of being in
the station the other day reminded him just how much
he missed his job and longed to be out on a call.

He grabbed the remote and flipped through the

channels, deciding on some old black and white flick on
the local PBS channel. He toed off his tennis shoes and
tucked his legs up under him as he enjoyed his apple.

He was halfway through the movie, trying to stay

awake, when the sound of the doorbell had his eyes
flying open. He pushed up from the couch with a yawn
as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. Making his way to
the door, he turned the lock and opened it, surprised by
the person standing before him.

"Hey, hope you don't mind, I got your address

from the captain. Thought I would drop by with a small
housewarming gift and welcome you to town properly."
Jim held out a homemade pie in offering.

"No, don't mind at all." He stepped aside, waving

the man inside. "Come on in." Carl took the pie as Jim
stepped past him, making his way farther into the
entryway before turning to wait for Carl to shut and
lock the door.

"I debated on bothering you, but figured since you

don't know anyone here yet; no one had properly
welcomed you." Jim nodded to the pie. "Hope you like
apple. I made it fresh today."

"Love apple. Will you join me for a piece?" Carl

led him through the house to the kitchen, setting the pie
on the counter.

"I would love to. Sorry to drop by unexpected,

hope I didn't interrupt anything." Jim glanced around the
room. "Looks like you're settled in."

"Unpacked the last box today." Carl pulled two

plates from the cupboard before cutting into the fresh
pie and placing two large pieces on each plate. "You
must live in the kitchen."

A blush traveled up Jim's neck. "I enjoy cooking. I

spend a lot of time doing it. If I didn't enjoy being a
firefighter so much, I would probably be a chef
somewhere." He took the plate and fork Carl pushed
his way. "Thanks."

"Want something to drink? Soda, beer, water?"
"A beer sounds good."
Carl grabbed two beers and nodded to the patio

door. "We can eat out back, if you don't mind the
bugs."

"They won't eat much," Jim teased as he following

Carl outside. "Don't tell me you've had time to do all
this gardening already." Jim set his plate down on the
picnic table as he glanced over the yard. "It looks
great."

"I can't take all the credit. It was well maintained

when I bought the place. But, like with you and
cooking, I seem to have recently found a passion for
gardening. Never had a yard of my own before and
now that I have the chance to get out and play in the
dirt, I'm finding it enjoyable." Carl sat down across from
Jim.

"I can't imagine not having a yard. I grew up on a

small ranch and I guess you just take for granted having
all that land to run around on. So you said you were
from New York?"

Carl took a large bite of pie and nodded as he

chewed. "Yes, I was born and raised there. I've always
lived in an apartment. Being here is like stepping into a
completely new world. Even driving a car instead of
taking a cab or walking is a huge change for me."

Jim shook his head. "I couldn't do it. I would feel

trapped with all those buildings around me. I need the
freedom that comes with open land and fresh country
air."

Carl enjoyed the way Jim watched him. He'd

forgotten how flattering it was to attract another's
attention. "If I had taken the time to come out West
before, I probably would have left sooner. I thought
about leaving after 9/11 but the job kept me there. It
was a tough time for the department and I felt it was my
duty to stay on."

"Shit, I didn't even think about that. You were one

of the first responders." Jim frowned. "As much as I

love my job, I don't even want to think what that must
have been like."

"Lost a lot of good friends that day." He closed his

eyes a moment, thinking of Bill. "But I know not one of
those men would have done anything different. Anyway,
here I am now, and you're right, I will never go back to
the city after seeing what it's like out here."

Jim grinned. "Let's see if you still say that after

your first winter."

Carl laughed. "Yeah, I hear it can be bad. I love

the snow, but the cold and amount of snow you get
here will be new to me. I'm glad I made the change. It
was time to move." Needing to change the subject, he
held up a forkful of pie. "This is delicious. Thank you
again for bringing it over."

Jim smiled and licked the crumbs from his lips.

"Don't encourage me. I will be bringing you stuff to try
all the time. I make more than I can eat and so I'm
always looking for people to share with."

"If all your food is this good, my door is always

open to you." Carl pushed back his plate and stretched
his legs out in front of him. "That was the best pie I think

I've ever had. You enter your pies in the fair as well?"

"I did once, took second place there, too. Hate to

say it, but I think the judges see a man entered and
automatically think it can't be as good as something a
woman makes."

Carl shook his head. "All they have to do is taste

it. My partner…" He shook his head as he realized
what he had said. Not that he was trying to hide that he
was gay, or anything to do with Bill, but he just wasn't
sure he wanted all that hanging over him here in Idaho.
He wanted a fresh start without all the sympathy.

Jim caught the words though, his head jerked up

and his eyes widened. "Your partner?"

Carl sighed and pushed the chair back as he

stood. Reaching for the plates on the table, he walked
inside to rinse them as he tried to think of what to say.

"I thought you were, but I wasn't sure." Jim

followed him inside and leaned against the kitchen
counter. "I've never been able to tell, well, most the time
anyway. Have made a fool of myself a time or two
hitting on someone who I thought was gay. You are
gay, aren't you?"

Carl turned, his hands white knuckling the edge of

the counter as he leaned against it, and nodded. "Yeah,
I am." He shrugged, meeting Jim's stare. "I don't hide it,
but I don't flaunt it."

"And this partner?"
Carl took a heavy breath, blowing the air out

slowly between his pursed lips. "My partner died a little
over ten years ago."

Jim bowed his head. "I'm sorry."
Carl didn't want to dwell. "Yeah, well, it's been a

long time, right?"

"Doesn't make it any less painful." Jim glanced

back up at Carl. "When you love someone, that doesn't
just stop."

"No, no it doesn't." Carl sighed, moving from the

sink back toward the sliding glass door. Pushing it
open, he stepped back outside, taking a much needed
drink of his beer. He heard the door slide close, and
Jim step up beside him.

"Want to talk about him?"
"No," Carl said, frustrated. "That's why I came

here, to get away from everyone who always wanted to

fucking talk about him." Carl's voice came out holding a
sharper edge than he meant, but at the moment he didn't
care. "Sure he was a hero, sure I loved him, but damn
it, it's been ten years. Can't everyone just let him fucking
rest in peace?"

Jim stepped back, looking a bit surprised by the

outburst. "Sorry, I didn't mean... You know what? I
think I will just go. It's getting late and I have a few
other pies to drop off."

Carl didn't turn around as he listened to Jim make

his way back into the house and then a few seconds
later the front door closing. Tears stung his eyes as he
replayed what had just happened over again in his mind.
He felt like a total asshole. He hadn't meant to go off on
Jim. Hell, the guy had no clue. It wasn't his fault
anyway. But damn it, Carl just wanted to move on and
forget. Now that someone knew, he feared once again
he would have to face the constant reminder that the
one and only person he had ever loved in his life was
gone.

Tossing the empty beer bottle in the outside trash

can, he looked out over the lawn wondering if he would

ever be able to let go of the pain and move on. He was
tired of feeling this way. Tired of being reminded of
what he no longer had.

Brushing the back of his hand over his eyes, he

turned to go inside. Once back in the kitchen, he
looked at what was left of the pie and felt even worse.
The one person who tried to welcome him, probably
the only person in town who could relate to him, he had
just pushed away.

He felt like a jerk. Wrapping the pie up, he shoved

it into his almost empty fridge. He flipped off the light,
leaving the dishes in the sink to wash later. Right now,
he just wanted to forget. He owed Jim a huge apology.
Even then, he wouldn't blame the guy for not wanting to
be friends.

Turning off the TV and all the lights, he double-

checked the locks on the doors and went to bed
knowing the only way that he would be able to forget
was to go to sleep.

CHAPTER THREE

Carl drove his car around the back of the fire

station, trying to decide if he was nervous or just
excited about his first night back to work. His stomach
was in knots, and had been since the call came two
days ago with his schedule. He couldn't wait to get
back on the job and start feeling like he was doing
something.

Getting out of his car, he grabbed the small duffle

bag he brought with some personal items, and headed
inside, immediately feeling at home. Laughter rang out
from the den, drowning out the sound of the television
as guys laughed and joked with each other to pass the
time.

Bypassing the den, he went straight for the

lockers, picked an empty one and tossed his bag inside.
He probably should have waited to see if they assigned
them, but he could always change it later.

Leaving the dorm area, he made his way to the

captain's office to check in. Finding it empty, he
wandered back toward the den, figuring everyone was
in there. As he poked his head in, he smiled, seeing
several familiar faces from the night he had been here
before, but no Jim. He wasn't sure what to feel about
that, his emotions mixed. He owed the guy an apology,
but he was also relieved not to have to face him yet.

"Carl, come on in. Join us. We're glad you're

here." The captain stood to shake his hand. "I have a bit
more paperwork for you, but that can wait. Let me
introduce you to the guys you haven't met yet."

Carl went through a repeat of introductions as he

took a seat on one of the unoccupied chairs against the
far wall. Many of these men had probably worked
together for years, putting their lives on the line
repeatedly to protect each other and the citizens they
served. For a moment, he missed his old friends back in
New York, but the ache was gone almost as soon as it
started. He was here to find a new life, and looking
back wasn't the way to do it.

Carl spent the next few hours getting to know the

men he would be working with. He shared several

stories of New York, and some of the calls he had been
on. He felt instant comfort with most of them and by the
time the first call of the night came in, he was more than
ready to trust anyone of them at his side.

The calls through the night, though serious for the

people calling for help, were nothing too straining for
him and the others. A couple medical calls, one false
alarm, and one small car accident where they had to
extract one victim from the car, only to have him refuse
medical treatment once they got him free.

The other firefighters all said it was a typical night.

Very seldom did they have any major calls in a town
this size. They all recalled the time when one of the
ranches at the end of town had burned and it sounded
to Carl that was the most excitement they had in a few
years. Once every few weeks they would head to the
schools and teach fire safety, and of course the
occasional training to keep their skills sharp, but unlike
New York, they spent a lot more time at the station.

In a way he was relieved, but then on the other

hand, he missed the rush of having things go at a faster
pace and the seriousness of some of the calls he saw in

a big city like New York. Either way, he was still doing
what he loved. It would just take a little time to get used
to the slower pace of country life.

It wasn't until shift change the next night that Carl

finally saw Jim walk in for his rotation. Carl nodded,
giving the guy time to get situated before approaching
him. He had a lot to say to him, and didn't want to hit
him up with it all as soon as he walked in the door.

Jim smiled back, returning the nod, and went off in

the other direction. Carl tried to ignore the feelings that
stirred in his chest each time he saw Jim. He reminded
himself again that he wasn't looking for a relationship
and damn well shouldn't even be attracted to another.
His heart was with Bill and there it would stay. He
would not risk his heart again and lose another person
he loved. It was hard enough to survive by himself now,
let alone dragging someone else into his fucked up life.

Jim seemed to be avoiding him, or maybe it was

his own paranoia and guilt for the way he had treated
Jim when he had come over with the pie. He needed to
apologize, and soon, or this shit would drive him crazy.
He couldn't stand wondering what they guy thought of

him after the way he acted.

As dinner drew closer, Carl made his way to the

kitchen, knowing that would be where he would find
Jim. He guessed right, finding him standing at the stove,
stirring a large pot of what smelled like spaghetti sauce.
Leaning against the doorway, his gaze scanned over the
male in front of him. Carl still found him to be one of the
most attractive men he had ever seen. He could watch
him from the doorway for hours, but he had to get this
over with and say what he had to say. Clearing his
throat, he stepped into the kitchen.

"Hey." Jim turned around and smiled. "Hope

you're hungry. I think I made too much this time."

Reaching for a bottle of water from the

refrigerator, Carl smiled. "If it tastes as good as it
smells, I'm sure you won't have any trouble with this
group eating it all." Twisting the cap off the bottle he
took at drink, then stepped closer to the stove. "I um…
I wanted to apologize for the way I acted the other
night. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry I snapped
at you the way I did."

Jim stirred the sauce for a moment, and Carl

wondered if he was going to say anything at all. He
questioned if he had really blown it and should just
leave him alone.

Finally, Jim set the spoon down and turned to face

Carl. "Apology accepted. I'm sorry I stirred such
emotions with my questions. I was only curious." He
shrugged. "I won't bring it up again, and hope you know
anything you said will stay between us. I won't talk
about it with anyone."

Carl thought saying he was sorry would make him

feel better. It didn't. He felt worse. Setting the water on
the counter, he ran his hands over his cropped blond
hair. "It's not that I don't want anyone to know about
him, or talk about him, it's just…" He frowned, trying to
place exactly what the issue was. "Back in New York,
everything was just a constant reminder. Everyone
would keep bringing him up. It was as if they thought I
needed to talk about him, when what I wanted, was to
let him go. "

Carl pinched the bridge of his nose, the

conversation forcing him to think about things he
blocked from his mind a long time ago. "I moved here

to escape the memories, to get away from everyone
asking about him. They seemed to think just because he
died during 9/11 it meant they needed to keep bringing
up what a hero he was." Carl started to pace the
kitchen. "Don't get me wrong, he is a hero, he died
doing his job, saving others. But for me, as his lover…"
Carl let his voice trail off as a couple other firefighters
entered the room.

Casting Jim a glance, he was glad Jim gave him a

simple smile and turned back to the food, speaking over
his shoulder as he once again stirred the sauce. "So
have you had a chance to get out and see the town yet?
Eaten at Dale's Place?"

"Oh man, Dale's is the only place in town to eat

you will want to eat." Dean, one of the older firefighters
who had joined them, commented as he pulled out a
chair. "You gotta try his ribs. Even Jim here can't come
close to topping those."

Carl laughed. "Afraid not. So far, besides the

quick drive here and a trip to the store for groceries, I
haven't been anywhere. I've been focusing on
unpacking and have yet to get out."

Chris, who was now grabbing a plate from the

cupboard, shook his head. "Once you eat at Dale's you
won't eat anywhere else. There's nothing better in town.
Hell, even out of town."

Everyone else started to wander in to eat,

complimenting Jim and joking around as they ate. Carl
joined in, learning a bit about each one of his co-
workers and the town. He was thoroughly enjoying
himself. He glanced up to see Jim staring at him from
across the table. They held eye contact for a brief
moment both knowing that the conversation they'd
shared was far from over.

Carl had mixed feelings about that. He wanted to

be honest with Jim about everything, but the part that
just wanted to leave the past in the past had a hard time
talking about it all.

Turning his attention back to dinner, he joined in

on the laughter and conversation, forgetting about
everything else for a while.

*****

Everyone had left the kitchen, leaving Jim and Carl

alone once more. Carl stood and helped clear some of
the condiments from the table and started putting them
away. "They leave you to cook and do dishes, too?" He
asked as he reached to put the salad dressing in the
fridge.

"Ah, I offered. They know I like the kitchen a

certain way. They do it and I would just be back in here
in a couple hours moving stuff around."

Carl shook his head, laughing. "How did you end

up being a firefighter? Seems your passion is in the
kitchen. Why didn't you follow that path?"

Jim filled the dishwasher with dirty dishes, glancing

up with a shrug. "Not a lot of options in a town this
small. I did work at Dale's for a few years in high
school, but once I graduated, I didn't have the money
or the grades to go away to college. I went to the
community college a few towns over, took a few
classes, and ended up here."

"Yeah? Kind of like my life. My parents tried to

force me into college and I fought them. I ended up like
you, taking a few classes and joining the fire

department. I never looked back. Dad wanted me to
go into finance like him. Hell, I can hardly balance my
own bank account, let alone deal with other people's
money."

"Me, too. I hate anything that has to do with

numbers. Give me a job where I can get my hands dirty
any day." He turned to start scrubbing the pot he used
for the sauce. "So, your parents still around?"

"Mom is. Dad died of a heart attack a few years

back, and no brothers or sisters. What about you?"

"Yep, everyone still lives around here. Dad runs

the ranch with Mom. One brother is still in high school.
He is a big help to my parents ranch. I have two other
brothers who are each married and have their own
ranches, and one sister. She is married and pregnant
with her second kid."

Moving over to stand by Jim, Carl took the pan he

had just finished washing and started to dry it. "So how
come you didn't go into ranching like the others?"

Jim lowered his head, hesitating for a moment.
"Sorry, if you don't want to…"
"No, it's okay. Like I told you before, I don't hide

who I am. I never have, and that was true even when I
was young. I came out in school and to my parents at
the same time. Funny, I thought school would be the
bigger issue, but it ended up being my parents. I didn't
have it as bad as some do, but there was always that
underlining tension there. I knew they didn't fully accept
me. The moment I graduated, I got an apartment here in
Hapton since I was still working at Dale's. Ranching
was never in my blood anyway. I helped when needed
but I had no urge to make it my life. I'm much happier
here."

Carl reached for another pot from Jim, their

fingers brushed as they passed it off. Carl fro, causing
Carl to freeze. The electrical jolt he felt caught him off
guard. The sudden intake of breath from Jim let him
know that he had felt it, too. Both paused, staying silent
as they stared at one another.

Carl recovered first, or maybe denied it first,

refusing to think he could feel that stir of curiosity
toward another man after all the years alone. All but
yanking the pot from Jim's hand, he went on drying it as
if nothing happened. He had found the one he was

meant to love already and it didn't matter that he was
now dead. Carl didn't want another.

Needing to fill the silence, he continued the

conversation they were having. "My parents didn't take
it much better, they wanted grandchildren and with me
being an only child, well, you can imagine how that
turned out. They didn't really come down too hard on
me, but I always felt like a disappointment to them. I left
home as fast as I could, too. I made it home for
holidays, family events, but for the most part, I had my
life and they had theirs. My mother lives with her sister
now. I will fly back and see her, but I just couldn't stay
in New York any longer. It was time for change."

"You don't miss the city at all?"
"No, not at all. I walk out on my patio, smell the

fresh air, get in my car, and drive down a road with a
few other cars. I'm in and out of the store within
minutes. I can't think of a thing there I will miss."

"No friends?" Jim asked as he rinsed soap from

the last pan.

"Not really, just the guys from the station but

besides that, I was pretty solitary after Bill died. I think

about the guys from time to time, but being here has
really helped fill any void I felt leaving them. You have a
great group of guys here."

"We are a tight family. A lot of us have been

through hell together. You seem to fit right in."

Carl shrugged. "Firefighting is a brotherhood. I

would hope any one of us could fit in, no matter where
we go." He put the last pan away and wiped the
counter down. "Going to take some getting used to all
this quiet though. Back in New York, we were lucky to
get a break between calls."

"I would like to have more to do here, not so

much down time, but considering the line of work, I
guess I'm glad it's so slow." Jim turned to Carl, staring
at him a moment as if he wanted to say something but
wasn't sure how. Finally, he spoke. "You felt that right?
When we touched? That wasn't just me?"

Carl took a step back, not wanting to have this

discussion. He was being an ass for denying it, but he
wasn't going there with Jim, no matter how much his
body might want to. "No. What are you talking about?"

It was an obvious lie and he knew that Jim knew

it. He bowed his head, unable to look Jim in the eyes.

Jim stepped past him, with a heavy sigh. "Nothing,

it was nothing. I just thought… Never mind." He tossed
the towel he had in his hand on the counter. "So, you up
for a game of cards?"

Carl shook his head, feeling like an idiot. He knew

all too well, what Jim had been talking about. Hell yes
he had felt it. However, he refused to give in, didn't
want the complications it could bring by acknowledging
it. "You know, I think I'm going to go out back, get
some fresh air. Maybe later okay?"

Jim frowned. "Sure, whenever. Just grab me when

you get back in."

Carl nodded as he watched him leave the room.

Making sure everything was put away and the stove
was turned off, he left the kitchen and headed out back.
The air was still warm from the summer heat, and as he
leaned against the brick wall, he looked up into the night
sky.

Things were so different here in Idaho compared

to New York. Just looking up it was as if he could
reach out and pluck the stars from the sky. He tried to

recall the last time he looked at the stars, but in New
York all you could see was concrete and glass. The
skyscrapers and lights blocking the view of everything.
He wondered how he'd managed living so long in the
city, when he could have been enjoying all this.

His mind wandered back to the kitchen, to Jim,

and how that simple touch of their hands sent an electric
jolt straight to his loins. It was the first time he had felt
anything toward another person since Bill's death. Ten
long years he had avoided this kind of thing, never
letting himself even try to find anyone. Now, after only a
couple weeks in Hapton, he was feeling like a teenager
again. He might deny it to Jim, or to anyone else who
asked, but he had to be honest with himself. He longed
to see the man. He wanted to do things with him that he
had long ago sworn off doing.

He made a promise to himself when Bill died that

he would never love another, and he would do
everything he could to make sure he kept that promise.
It might mean he would have to take matters into his
own hands a bit more often. Ease the pressure and
need Jim seemed to arouse. Nevertheless, if he let

himself explore whatever the hell this was between him
and Jim, one of them would end up hurt.

Hearing the alarm sound jerked him from his

thoughts, turning his focus back to the job. With a final
glance to the sky, he turned and ran inside, ready for
work to take his fantasies away.

CHAPTER FOUR

Carl was finally getting used to his schedule, not

that there was much to get used to really. The nights at
the fire station were quiet and he never lost too much
sleep when on shift. However, after a couple rotations
he was getting into a routine. Days off like today, he
spent in the garden or reading the newest book he had
picked up at the local bookstore. Small town life was
fitting him just fine.

He still thought about Jim more often than he

wanted, but after that moment in the kitchen, things had
seemed to change between them. He no longer offered
to help when Jim was cooking, nor did he stay around
after to help with dishes.

Jim seemed just as content to stay out of his way,

always finding other things to do or people to talk to
when the two of them worked the same shifts. This was
fine with Carl. He didn't need or want the temptation he
felt when he got too close to Jim. Now if he could just

get the man to leave his thoughts all would be good.

Staring into the fridge at the few leftovers, he

pushed the containers around, trying to decide what to
have for dinner. His stomach growled, but nothing in
front of him seemed to fit his appetite. Slamming it
closed, he glanced at his watch. It was still early enough
to head into town to grab something from the diner.
Maybe he should finally break down and go see what
all the rave was about Dale's.

He slipped on his shoes and headed out. Not

surprising the streets were nearly empty, typical for a
Sunday afternoon in the area. He cranked up the radio
and drove across town to the only place that seemed to
have a parking lot full of cars no matter when you drove
by. Dale's.

Finding a parking spot toward the back, he

zigzagged through the parked cars to get inside. The
smell greeted him before he even opened the door and
caused his stomach to growl again, reminding him just
how hungry he was.

A sign on the wall said Seat Yourself. After giving

a quick look around, he noticed an unoccupied table in

the back by the restrooms. He slid into the booth and
reached for the menu that sat in the wire rack on the
table.

For such a small place, the options seemed

endless. He debated on what he wanted, deciding to go
with the ribs everyone said were the best. A young girl
dropped off a glass of water to him with a promise she
would be back to get his order.

Sipping at the water, he looked around, and

realized that besides the other firefighters, he still really
hadn't met anyone in town. It appeared to be mostly
ranchers drinking coffee and gossiping as they waited
for their meals. A couple booths down a few teens
sipped at milkshakes and talked about the upcoming
high school dance.

Running his thumb over the edge of his water

glass, he smiled. This was how life should be. Everyone
here seemed happy to just take their time and just enjoy
things. Not like what he was used to, with everyone
rushing around on a schedule, screaming and yelling at
whoever got in their way.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

Carl knew who it was before he even glanced up.

Jim stood beside the table, smiling that damn sexy smile
right at him.

"There are no other open seats," Jim explained.

"Do you mind?"

Casting a quick glance around, Carl nodded.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Thanks." Jim slid into the seat across from him.
"No problem, place is packed tonight. Figured I

would finally drop by and give it a try."

"You haven't tried it yet?" Jim shook his head. "If I

had known, I would have dragged you out of the house
weeks ago. I thought you had already been here a few
times. You're going to kick yourself for waiting so long
once you taste the food."

Carl laughed. "Well it smells almost as good as

your grub, but we will see."

Jim blushed at the compliment. "This is where I

learned to cook. I owe Dale and his wife a lot for letting
me work here."

The waitress reappeared before Carl could say

anything more and they placed their order, both of them

going for the ribs.

"Now, am I going to walk out of here with sauce

all over my shirt?" Carl teased.

"Nah, they aren't goopy like some places. I think

that's what makes them so good." Jim smiled. "You will
see. Promise, you've never had anything like them." He
took the water the waitress brought to him, thanking
her. "So how have you been? We haven't had much
time to talk the last few weeks."

Carl shrugged. "Getting used to things. Not much

trouble I can get into around here. Did some gardening,
but most the time I just sit around enjoying being lazy.
How about you?"

"My sister had her baby. I was there visiting

today. I have a new nephew, healthy and all. Was a
nice visit." Jim smiled like a proud uncle.

"Congratulations. I'm glad everything went well."
"Thanks, I am, too. You know, I just can't wait

until they get a little older and I can steal them away for
a day. Take them fishing or into the city, teach them to
cook." Jim seemed genuinely excited about the
prospect.

"Bother you that you will never have your own?"
"Oh, I think about it from time to time. But really,

why dwell on what won't happen?"

"You could always adopt," Carl suggested.
"Right. Well I would need to find someone to

spend my life with first. I'm not crazy enough to take
that step to be a single father."

Carl nodded, trying to push back the images that

suddenly ransacked his mind of Jim wrestling around
with kids of his own. "Well, at least you're lucky enough
to have nephews to play with."

"You wanted children?" Jim asked.
Carl bit his lip, and shook his head. "Bill and I

talked about it a couple times, but we both worked so
much. It wouldn't have been fair to adopt and then
never be around. Neither of us wanted to give up the
job to stay at home."

Silence fell between them as they both stared

across the table at each other. Carl still felt horrible for
the little lie he told Jim in the kitchen a few weeks ago,
the little lie that had seemed to change everything
between them. He wondered often if he had imagined

that spark between them, and now, sitting across from
Jim, staring into his eyes, watching the way his dark hair
fell down over his forehead so perfectly, he started to
wonder again.

Jim raised an eyebrow, curiously. "What are you

thinking about?"

Now it was Carl's turn to blush, feeling like Jim

could read his mind. Carl sighed and decided to be
honest. "Listen, I don't know what that was that we felt
in the kitchen that night, but I lied when I said I didn't
feel it. I felt it so strongly it scared the hell out of me."

Jim just nodded, waiting for Carl to continue.
"I didn't come here looking for anything or anyone.

I came here to escape being pushed to date, meet
people. Everybody was trying to set me up, arrange
blind dates." He took a sip of his water as he tried to
form his thoughts. "But then that happened. I'm not
going to lie to you, Jim. That was the first time in over
ten years I've felt any reaction to another man… Any at
all. It freaked me out a bit."

"You haven't been with anyone since?"
"No. I'm not going to risk getting close to

someone again. It was too hard to go through losing
him. It still is." Fuck, Carl hated talking about this, but
he owed Jim an explanation. "I just plan on working,
growing old and trying to survive."

"Don't you get lonely?" Jim questioned.
"Sure, everyone does, right? But that doesn't mean

it's worth running out and finding someone just so you
can go through more pain later."

"What about sex? I mean it's not like you have to

go out there and fall in love all over again. In this day
and age, you can just get a little something on the side
without all the emotions."

Carl's body responded to Jim's words. "I could, I

guess, but as I said, until that night in the kitchen, I
haven't felt even a flicker of interest in anyone."

"But you feel it for me?"
Carl closed his eyes, emotions surged inside him

as he debated how to answer, but hadn't he already as
much as admitted it? He wasn't going to lie to Jim
anymore. "Yeah, I feel it with you."

Jim smiled, reaching his hand across the table and

placing it over Carl's. "Then why are we denying it?"

Carl was tempted to pull his hand back when he

felt the same electrical current race from the spot where
their hands touched and course straight through his
body. His cock jerked to attention caused him to shift
uncomfortably in his seat. "Because, it's not right. You
deserve someone who can give you more. I can't be
that person. I don't want to use you that way. I've gone
ten years without complicating my life or anyone else's."

Jim gave Carl's hand a squeeze before he released

it and leaned back against the booth. "I'm not asking
you to love me, Carl."

At the thought of what Jim was offering, Carl's

body raged with arousal. It was as if after ten long years
of dormancy, the beast had suddenly awakened and
surged through his body like a raging bull. He took
several deep breaths, trying to calm himself from the
feelings that threatened to overwhelm him after so long.

"What are you saying, Jim?" Carl couldn't believe

he was even considering this. It was the last thing he
wanted or needed. Yeah right, if that was true then why
was he sitting here shifting back and forth trying to take
pressure of the hardness that pressed against his fly?

"I want you. Regardless if it's just a one-time thing,

or a once in a while thing."

The waitress set two steaming hot plates of ribs

down in front of them, interrupting a conversation that
Carl had no idea how he had gotten into. His mind
raced with the possibilities. His body begged him to say
yes. Yet, there was this nagging little piece of him that
warned him that everything about this was wrong.

Other than thanking the waitress, both of them let

the ribs go unnoticed as they stared at each other. Jim
seemed to be waiting patiently for a response while Carl
was wondering if he should just get up and leave. Go
home to hide away from the emotions and urges that he
wanted to ignore.

The seconds felt like hours as Carl contemplated

what Jim was asking for. Ten years he had gone
without, not even having the urge once to go seek
anyone out. Now, in the matter of a few minutes over
dinner, his body was strung so tight with need that it
was all he could do to keep from bending Jim over the
table.

Releasing a heavy breath, Carl nodded then shook

his head before nodding again.

A look of amusement passed over Jim's face. "Is

that a yes or a no?"

Carl's fist tightened around his water glass so hard

that he was surprised it didn't break. With a final nod,
he smiled praying his decision wasn't the wrong one.
"Yes."

Even if everything went wrong in the end, the smile

that spread over Jim's face would make it almost all
worth it. Jim nodded back as he pulled his ribs toward
him, as if now that they agreed he was able to eat.

Carl pulled his own plate closer and picked up a

rib. Now that he had made the decision to go forward
with this, he didn't want to wait. "Tonight?"

Jim lowered the rib he was biting into. His tongue

sliding out to lick the sauce from his lips, doing nothing
to help ease the desire that was still rising inside Carl's
body.

"I have no plans. Tonight is good, if you want. My

place or yours?"

Carl's heart pounded in his chest, and he almost

laughed, thinking how he would explain to his own co-

workers what had thrown him into sudden cardiac
arrest while eating ribs.

"If you don't mind, I think mine." Carl took a bite

of the rib he held before he could change his mind. "Oh
my God, this is good." Instantly his entire focus turned
to the food in front of him and off what they planned.

Jim grinned. "I told you so. Best food you will ever

have."

Carl took another bite, suddenly more interested

in eating than worrying about the very near future. The
food was better than he imagined, even after everyone
told him it would be. He felt like he was inhaling it as the
two of them dropped all conversation and focused on
the food.

The waitress took the empty plates and returned

with two hot cups of coffee. Neither of them had
mentioned the prior conversation while eating, focusing
on the food and small talk, but now that dinner was
winding down, the tension between them returned.

Jim was the first to breach the topic again. "I'm

okay with your place. We will just see how it goes. I
don't want you to be uncomfortable. I know this isn't

easy for you."

"It's just sex, right? Nothing uncomfortable about

that." Carl's body responded to the change of
conversation again. "But thanks. I appreciate you
understanding."

Jim started to reach across the table as if he was

going to take Carl's hand, but then glanced around them
at the other tables, and pulled his hand back.

"I thought you were out," Carl commented looking

around them.

"I am, but I was worried you might be

uncomfortable with it. If people see us holding hands
they will assume we are together. I wasn't sure you
wanted that." Jim shrugged. "I don't mind either way."

Carl thought about it, wondering if it mattered if

the whole town thought he was with Jim. Part of him
said no, but the part that wanted to keep this as simple
as he could, folded his hands back into his lap.

"Probably best if we don't give them anything to

gossip about." Carl reached for the bill. "Maybe we
should go?"

"Here, let me pay." Jim offered his hand out for the

bill.

"No, please allow me. I'm glad you joined me.

Next time can be on you, all right?" Carl scooted from
the booth, with Jim following behind him as they went
up front to pay.

"I'm holding you to that. Next one is on me." Jim

waited as Carl pulled out his credit card.

Once they paid, they stepped out into the growing

darkness. The heat from the pavement rose up at them
as they casually made their way toward the back
parking lot.

Carl glanced over at Jim, not surprised to find him

looking back at him. "So, you want to just follow me to
my place?"

"Sure, I know where it is." Jim stopped, beside a

large pick-up truck. "See you there then?"

"Yeah." Carl gave a small smile, before turning for

his own car a few spaces away.

CHAPTER FIVE

As Carl pulled into his driveway he forced back

the nervousness that started to invade his mind. He
wanted this, there was no denying that, but he felt
horrible using Jim for sex. It didn't matter that Jim had
offered and even wanted it. Carl believed you only had
sex for love. He had never had a one-night stand
before. But after ten years of denying his body its
needs, he started to see things different. People did this
all the time.

He stepped from the car and slammed the door a

bit too hard as he watched the headlights of Jim's truck
turn into the driveway. Making his way toward the front
door, he struggled to find his key in the depths of his
pocket, finally pulling it free as Jim stepped up to join
him on the porch.

"Hi." Jim brushed his hair back from his eyes.
Slipping the key in the lock, he smiled over his

shoulder. "Come on in." He pushed the door open,

letting Jim step around him and walk inside.

Carl hated how awkward he felt. He didn't know

what to say or do as he wondered when he had
become so socially inapt. Following Jim inside, he shut
the door and quickly hit the light switch.

"Can I get you a drink? Maybe some wine?"
Jim followed him into the living room and nodded.

"Wine sounds good." He took a seat on the couch.

"Be right back." Carl wished he was as calm as

Jim appeared.

Trying not to notice how his hand shook as he

poured the wine, Carl thought about the man sitting on
his couch. He was everything a man could want when it
came to a lover, young, attractive, intelligent. Carl could
do a lot worse. Not only was he all those things, but he
knew they shared a genuine friendship. He prayed what
they were about to do wouldn't change that.

Walking back into the living room, he handed the

glass of red wine to Jim and took a seat at the other end
of the couch, leaving a space between them. He had no
idea how to start this, how to go about just having sex.

Jim must have sensed his nervousness. "Are you

having second thoughts?"

"No, not second thoughts, just feel like an

awkward teen. Maybe it's because it has been so long
since I…" He took a sip of his wine. "You know most
of the time you and I can sit and talk about anything and
now that we have decided to do this, I don't know what
to say."

Jim set his glass on the coffee table, and reached

out his hand. "Take my hand."

Carl blinked a couple times, looking at the

outstretched hand, trying to decide if he was going to
do this or not. He knew the moment they touched there
would be no turning back. He set his own wine down,
and slowly placed his hand in Jim's.

"See how easy that was." Jim scooted closer,

closing the space between them as his thumb stroked
over Carl's palm. "Talk to me Carl, we don't have to
rush this. Just hold my hand and talk."

Carl didn't know how Jim knew exactly what to

say and do, but it was working perfectly. His nerves
calmed as he rested their joined hands against Jim's
knee. "I'm sorry. I know I should be better at this. It's

not that I don't want… I just…"

"It's okay." Jim continued the gentle caress of his

thumb over Carl's hand. "I understand." Jim moved a
little closer, turning so he faced Carl so his knee
pressed into his thigh. "Tell me about your gardening."
Jim's voice lowered as he bent forward and brushed his
lips over Carl's neck. "Talk to me about something you
enjoy."

Carl tensed at the first touch of Jim's lips on his

skin, and he reminded himself to breathe. His hand
tightened against Jim's as he drew it to his own chest,
holding their joined hands over his pounding heart. "My
garden?" He whispered softly.

"Mmmhmm." Jim trailed a line of kisses over

Carl's jaw. "You moved too late to plant vegetables, so
I'm guessing flowers. What is your favorite?"

Carl could feel Jim's breath against his skin and

shifted as his cock thickened in response. "Lilies and
roses, I guess." Carl turned his head, his own mouth
seeking Jim's.

The instant their lips met, Carl let out a groan of

pleasure. His pulse raced and all nervousness

disappeared as he released Jim's hand to pull him into
his strong arms.

They kissed each other slowly, testing and

exploring each other. The newness of each other's
touch added to the excitement he was sure they were
both feeling. Carl splayed his hand over Jim's back,
wanting him even closer. He'd forgotten how good it felt
to hold someone, feel someone else's touch against his
body, and to taste a lover's kiss.

Opening his mouth for him, he felt the tip of Jim's

tongue slid over his lips. He returned the gesture as their
teeth clashed together, both of them giving in to the
hunger.

"Touch me," Carl whispered, not caring where or

how. He needed more. An inferno of desire swept
through him, growing stronger with each kiss and touch.
As Jim's hand slid up under his shirt and over his bare
skin, Carl sucked in a breath. Why had he waited so
long for this and denied his body this pleasure?

"Okay?" Jim's mouth left his, moving back to his

neck to find his earlobe and nip gently. "Want to stop?"

"Hell no." Carl didn't have to think twice. He

wanted this. "Bedroom." Carl gasped again as Jim slid
his hand up Carl's chest, pinching one nipple, and then
the other. "Not here, not on the couch."

Jim pulled back, once again taking Carl's hand in

his. "Lead the way."

It was as if a switch had been flipped as Carl went

from doubtful and insecure to sure and in control.
Standing, he linked his fingers with Jim's and led him
down the hall. Stepping into the bedroom, he turned on
the light and released Jim's hand, pulling his own shirt
over his head and tossing it aside.

"I want to watch you undress for me." Carl's voice

took a stronger more secure tone.

"You don't want to undress me?" Jim smiled as he

hooked his fingers under his shirt and pulled it over his
head.

Carl's hands shook as he worked the button on his

Levi's as he watched Jim's muscular build came into
view. He shouldn't be so surprised at the thick ridges of
muscle that covered Jim's stomach. He had seen
enough firefighters to know most of them stayed in great
shape, but he was pleased anyway.

"I like watching you." Carl slid the zipper down on

his pants before toeing off his shoes.

He liked that Jim was okay with the change of

pace the night was taking. Carl didn't know where this
sudden confidence was coming from, but he knew what
he wanted, and since this was just sex, why not do what
aroused him.

Sliding his pants down his legs, all too aware of

the way Jim watched him, he stepped from his pants,
pulled off his socks and stood up straight, fully naked
for Jim to view. His cock jerked under Jim's hungry
gaze.

Jim followed suit, keeping his eyes locked with

Carl as he stepped out of the rest of his clothes, and
then stepped closer to Carl, his cock pressed hard
against his stomach.

Carl could not stop staring at the man in front of

him. He had never seen such perfection, at least not
outside a magazine or movie. Jim had a natural beauty
that few men were blessed with. Even his cock
appeared flawless.

Carl almost felt inadequate standing before him,

but swallowed it back, refusing to ruin the moment.
"Fuck, look at you."

Jim smiled while reaching out to brush his hand

down Carl's arm. "I was thinking the same thing." He
leaned in, kissing Carl gently as he wrapped his arms
around him, pressing their bodies together even tighter.

The feel of skin against skin heightened their

arousal. Carl hissed in pleasure as their cocks touched
against each other as they began to rock their bodies
back and forth. Their kisses deepened and Carl slowly
moved them toward the bed, his hands sliding down
Jim's back to cup his ass and pull him hard against the
solid wall of his body.

Legs hit the edge of the bed, and Jim pulled back

slightly, crawling to the center of the mattress before
holding out a hand to Carl.

Carl paused and looked at Jim, naked and asking

him to join. If someone had told him this morning that
the day would end like this, he would have laughed. But
now, he couldn't think of a better way to spend the
night. He longed to explore every inch of the man,
several times over.

"Do you want to watch?" Jim lowered his

outstretched hand and took his cock in his palm,
stroking it.

"Oh God." Carl watched as Jim lay back,

continuing to stroke himself. Jim parted his legs,
allowing Carl to view the heavy weighted sacks that
hung between his legs. Perfection, there was no other
word for the man that was tempting him.

"Don't stop." Carl moved onto the bed beside him,

his own cock rubbing against Jim's thigh. "I like that. I
like watching you do that to yourself."

"I want to watch you, too." Jim turned more to his

side so they faced each other, his fist never slowing as
he worked it up and down his length. He leaned in, his
mouth brushing over Carl's.

Carl accepted his kiss, at the same time reaching

down and cupping his balls, rolling them over his fingers
before taking his own cock in his hand. He swore he
was going to come before the two did anything more
than kiss. His cock throbbed and balls ached.

Jim broke the kiss, pulling back to watch as the

two of them worked their own cocks. The pull between

them caused their hips to thrust forward until they were
brushing the heads of their cocks against each other
with each stroke.

"I can't do this if you want me to last, been too

long, want this too much." Carl gasped as he pulled Jim
back into his arms for a hard demanding kiss. "Want to
taste you."

He released his cock and slid down the bed,

lowering his mouth to Jim's stomach, kissing and licking
over the muscular ridges. He enjoyed the way Jim's
breath hitched at the touch of his mouth. Carl continued
to lick and trace the curves of Jim's stomach then kissed
lower down his body, scraping his teeth over the male's
hipbone causing Jim to rise up off the bed with a loud
moan.

Easing his hand up Jim's inner thigh, he cupped his

balls, playing with them as he continued to lick
downward until his mouth hovered over the head of
Jim's cock. It might have been ten years since he had
pleasured another man, but it was like riding a bike,
once you learned how, you never forgot again.
Reaching with his tongue, he licked over the glistening

head, drawing the pre-cum into his mouth before
closing his lips around him.

"Carl..." Jim threw his head back into the pillow,

his hand going into Carl's hair.

Carl smiled around the thickness as he started to

lower his mouth down him. His free hand continued to
roll his balls over his fingers as he lifted his gaze to
watch Jim's face.

"Just like that." Jim went up on his elbows,

watching his cock slide between Carl's lips. "Don't stop,
please."

Carl had no plans on stopping. He was making up

for lost time, and savoring every second of it. He
wanted to spend the rest of the night seeing the pleasure
he was bringing Jim and finding ways to bring him even
more.

His own cock screamed for attention, but if he

gave in and touched himself, things would be over
before they hardly even began. He settled for pressing
his lower half into the bed, rotating his hips slowly as he
sucked and pulled against Jim with his mouth.

Jim's started to thrust up gently, thrusting his cock

deeper into Carl's mouth. Jim was being careful,
probably because it had been so long since Carl had a
lover. Carl relaxed his throat, taking the male deeper,
their eyes still locked together.

They continued moving against each other, both

finding a comfortable rhythm. Carl expected things to
be awkward and uncomfortable the first time, but it all
felt perfect between them.

Pulling his mouth from Jim's length, he slid up his

body, brushing his hips over Jim's as both of them
stared down between their bodies to watch their cocks
rub against each other.

Jim's arms came around him, drawing him close,

so their chests pressed against each other. His fingers
combed through Carl's hair as they kissed. Jim shifted,
spreading his legs, allowing Carl to settle between them,
forcing even more contact. Need raged through Carl's
body.

"Condom, I don't have…" Carl gasped between

kisses, cursing himself for not thinking about protection
before.

"I have…" Jim bit Carl's lip sucking it into his

mouth then releasing it. "In wallet. Let me get."

Carl sat back on his knees, letting Jim get up from

the bed and grab the condom from his wallet.

Jim tore open the package and then stepped

toward him. "Let me put it on you."

Carl didn't try to hide his shock. He figured Jim

would want to take him the first time, find his pleasure
first. He wasn't about to refuse the males offer. Rising
up, he turned toward Jim, closing his eyes as Jim took
him in his hand, and rolled the condom on.

Fighting back the urge to thrust into Jim's hand, he

opened his eyes and pointed to the nightstand. "Lube,
bottle in the drawer."

Jim turned opening the drawer and pulling out the

bottle. He handed it to Carl as he returned to the bed,
lying back against the pillows.

Carl looked down at Jim's body he spread his

legs, letting Carl see exactly what he was offering. With
a shaky hand, Carl reached out and ran a finger down
Jim's balls and over the hole beneath them.

"You're so beautiful." Carl's voice shook like his

hand as he lowered down to the bed again, his tongue

going back to Jim's balls and moving lower.

"Shit." Jim reached down, fisting his cock as Carl

continued to lick over the puckered hole.

"Like that?" Carl smiled then pressed his tongue

forward, parting him.

"Hell yes." Jim stroked his cock as he pressed

against Carl's tongue, rubbing his ass up and down.

Carl pulled back, knowing if he waited much

longer his body was going to take over and he would
be shooting off on his own. He wanted to be inside Jim.
Wanted to feel the man around him. Wanted to watch
him as they fucked.

Popping open the cap on the bottle of lube, he

smeared the slippery liquid over his latex covered cock,
careful not to stimulate himself too much in doing so.
Turning his attention back to Jim, he drizzled lube over
Jim's hole, rubbing his finger against him before slipping
a finger inside.

The way Jim's ass tightened around him had Carl's

cock jumping as it rested against his thigh. He imagined
the warm heat around other parts as he moved his
finger back and forth inside him.

"So tight. I won't last long. You're just too damn

sexy, and I'm too close to losing control."

Jim shook his head. "Doesn't matter how long,

want to feel you. Want you inside me." Jim reached out,
wrapped his hand around Carl's cock and gently pulled
him forward.

Carl held his breath as he watched the head of his

cock near its destination. The first touch of the tip
against Jim's heated flesh had him gripping Jim's legs,
more to keep himself steady than to hold them apart.
Locking eyes with his new lover, he gripped his cock
with one hand, and pressed forward, feeling Jim's body
part and accept him inside.

"Fuck!" Carl growled deep in his throat. He broke

his gaze with Jim to watch as his cock slid further inside
him. He felt Jim angle his hips, lifting to him. Warm heat
surrounded him, drawing him deeper, until he rested his
balls against Jim's ass.

Bending over the male beneath him, he found his

mouth, tasting and licking at his lips seeking entrance
with his tongue. He wanted to devour Jim for giving him
this. For offering something so beautiful that Carl hadn't

even known he needed or wanted. How had he lived
without this for so long?

"You won't hurt me," Jim whispered against his

lips. "Take me how you want."

"I am." Carl rocked his hips playfully, going in for

another kiss. "I want to savor you, feel you around me.
I know after all this time, the moment I start to move I
will lose control."

His hand slid over Jim's stomach, reaching for his

cock, and wrapping his hand around him. "I want you
to have as much pleasure as I will." He started to
stroke, enjoying the way Jim's head pushed back into
the pillow as he hissed in pleasure. "That's the look I
want to see. I want to watch as you come with me."

Carl started to thrust in and out of Jim, starting

slowly, loving the way Jim's ass slid around his cock.
His hand worked up and down the rigid length,
smearing the thick wetness leaking from the head down
with his hand.

Jim worked his body against Carl's as if he was

asking for more, trying to increase the pace. Carl was
more than happy to give him what he wanted.

Wrapping one arm around Jim's thigh, he started to
move faster, harder, and go deeper with each thrust,
finding a perfect rhythm with each other.

The sound of Carl's balls, smacking against Jim's

soft skin filled the room adding to the excitement as
Carl watched his cock slide in and out of Jim's ass. Too
long, too many years, he had denied himself this
pleasure. And right now, feeling his balls tighten while
watching the way the head of Jim's cock peaked out
from his fisted hand, and seeing the look of pleasure
that he was giving Jim, he wondered why he had
waited.

Grunting, fighting to hold back his release, he

turned his mouth to Jim's leg, nipping and kissing a trail
down to his knee and back up to the ankle.

"So fucking hot," Carl gasped. His breath hitched

as he tasted Jim's skin. "I want to taste every inch of
you."

Jim met his eyes and smiled, reaching one hand

down to cup his own balls, and the other lifting to trace
Carl's chin. "Anything, anything you want."

Carl's hand continued to work Jim as his own

cock pulsed and thickened, struggling to fight back the
growing pressure that was mounting. He would only last
a few more seconds once he felt the gentle tingle start at
the base of his spine and rush its way through his body
to his balls. Giving one more deep thrust, Carl stilled,
his body tightening and contracting as he grunted out his
orgasm, his cock exploding in pleasure.

Finally able to breathe again, Carl looked down at

his hand still wrapped around Jim's cock. He started his
steady rhythm of up and down strokes, wanting to see
Jim get off. "Fuck, I want you to feel what I just did. I
want to feel you inside me."

Carl felt Jim's cock pulse in his hand in response,

and he leaned forward kissing Jim hard before he could
say anything.

Breaking the kiss, Jim rocked his hips. "Roll over."

Jim's voice took a sudden demanding tone. "Let me see
you."

Carl couldn't believe that his cock could harden so

soon after coming, but damn if it wasn't trying. The tone
of Jim's voice and the look of lust in his eyes had Carl
willing to do anything the man asked of him.

Pulling his cock from Jim's body, he quickly pulled

the spent condom off, and tossed it to the floor, before
crawling beside Jim to find his mouth once more.

The kisses grew more intense, more demanding as

they worked each other's cock against the other,
slipping over each other as they coated the other with
pre-cum.

"I can't wait." Jim pulled away and eased down

the bed, his hand pressed to Carl's spine to hold him
there. "I've wanted you from the first day we met,
before I even knew for sure you were gay. I've dreamt
about you, made up fantasies about being with you."

Carl turned his head to look over his shoulder at

Jim, watching the way Jim palmed his own balls then
stroked his cock with strong sure strokes. "Tell me. Tell
me what you dreamt." Carl lifted his hips to ease the
pressure on his growing arousal.

"This…" Jim bent down, kissing Carl's ass, before

parting it with his hands and burying his face between
the cheeks.

"Shit," Carl cried out as he felt Jim's tongue spear

his ass. His tongue was hot and wet and Jim knew just

how to use it. Going up on his knees, Carl wrapped his
hand around his cock as he pushed his ass back into
Jim's face. "Hell that feels good."

Jim's tongue licked and teased with strong strokes,

parting and entering his ass then pulling back to lick and
suck against it. Carl was going to explode from the
pleasure.

Carl felt Jim ease back, and a moment later he felt

two fingers slide inside him. It had been years since Carl
had anyone take him this way, not that he hadn't
stimulated himself from time to time, but the feel of
another inside him had him crying out with need.

He couldn't remember wanting someone so badly.

Even in all the years he spent with Bill, his need never
crested to this point. "Take me now." Carl groaned into
the pillow as he worked his hips back and forth, fucking
the fingers inside him.

He heard Jim shift, felt the pressure inside him

ease and turned to watch Jim roll a condom down his
shaft. Carl stayed right where he was, his ass in the air
as if it was begging for what it was about to be
received.

Spreading unneeded lube over his cock, Jim

smiled at Carl. "You taste better than I thought you
would." He licked at the wetness around his lips. "And I
bet you're going to feel even better than I dreamt, too."

Moving forward, Jim slapped his cock across

Carl's ass. The loud slap echoed through the room.
"Ready for me?"

"Yes." Carl moaned as he felt the head of Jim's

cock press against him and started to part him. Jim was
thick, and Carl tensed for a moment, not used to the
pressure, but forced himself to relax, pushing back,
allowing Jim inside.

Jim slid deep in one hard thrust, then stilled. His

hands caressed up and down Carl's back, then
kneaded the flesh of his ass in his palms. Carl was lost
in the feeling as he adjusted to Jim's size.

"I thought…" Jim started to move inside him, not

slow gentle thrusts like those that Carl had given, but
harder, stronger ones. "No, I feared you would say no
tonight. I wanted you so bad. I don't know if I could
have stood going home to jerk myself off as I thought
about you again." His hands grasped Carl's hips, his

fingers digging into his skin. "Do you know how many
times I've come thinking about this, thinking how it
would feel to be inside you? To feel you inside me?"

Carl rocked his hips back hard, meeting each of

Jim's thrust with his ass, welcoming the pain and
pleasure that racked his body. Jim's words shocked
him, but they aroused him more than scared him. He
closed his eyes and thought about Jim lying in bed
alone, thinking about him, legs parted as he brought
himself off to the fantasies.

Carl's breath rushed from him. "How many

nights?"

"Every night since that night in the kitchen." Jim's

balls slapped against Carl's ass in steady rhythm. "Since
you touched my hand, denied feeling what I felt. It was
so strong that I had to sneak into the bathroom and get
off at work. I would have never lasted the night if I
hadn't."

Carl cursed himself for the lie, for the wasted time

when they could have been enjoying this together. He
would never be able to use the bathroom at work now
without getting hard at the thought of Jim finding his

release in there.

Fisting his own fully erect cock tightly, he worked

himself as his ass continued to take a pounding from
Jim. He worried at first that because it was so long
since he'd had sex, it would be uncomfortable, it was
anything but. He worked his body against Jim's,
welcoming each thrust. He was nearing his second
orgasm in less than twenty minutes and his body still
screamed for more.

"Fuck, don't stop." Carl's head fell into the pillow,

his ass rising higher in the air.

"Not a chance. You feel too damn good." Jim

shifted, raising up off his knees to his feet, and pulled
Carl's ass with him as he took him harder.

The new angle had Carl fighting for control as

Jim's cock hit new depths. Carl's cock dripped with
pre-cum and he used it to coat his hand as he slid his
fist faster over his length. He loved the force in which
Jim was taking him. Loved feeling like he pleased his
lover.

"Not going to last," Jim grunted. "Too tight." A

bead of sweat fell from his face, dripping down the cleft

of Carl's ass.

It was the thought that Jim was about to fill his ass

with cum that had Carl grunting and gasping as he felt
his balls tighten and his body erupting with his second
release of the night. Hot cum shot from him as his ass
clamped down around Jim sucking him deeper.

"Holy fuck!" Jim gave a final thrust and let out his

own gurgled cry as his orgasm washed through him.

Carl's chest heaved, his head buried into the pillow

beneath him as he felt Jim's cock pulsing inside him. He
felt the weight of Jim's body fall over him and he let his
own legs give and fell flat to the bed.

Jim's arms wrapped around him, and Carl felt his

lips kiss over his shoulder. Turning his head and shifting
slightly, he captured Jim's lips with his own for a long,
lingering kiss. A sheen of sweat coated their bodies,
causing an erotic sticking of their skin as Jim pulled his
cock from Carl's ass and rolled to his side.

Carl smiled as Jim's face came into view, rolling

onto his own side, trying not to think about the sense of
loss he felt as Jim slid out of him. "Hi." His breathing still
came in hefty pants as he slowly recovered.

Jim laughed. "Hi." He reached his arm out and

grazed his fingers down Carl's side. "That was better
than I ever expected."

"Mmm hmm." Carl sighed happily. "For both of

us. I don't know why I waited so long. Why we waited
so long." He gave a sheepish grin.

"Well, I'm definitely hoping you're thinking of this

as a from time to time thing, and not a one-time thing.
After this, I think I may just rub my cock dry if I have to
take care of myself remembering tonight."

Carl was breaking every rule he swore he would

keep when he moved to Idaho. There was something
about Jim that made him ignore all he had said before,
and want to experience everything Jim had to offer. He
just wanted to be around him. He would have to keep
his walls up, but at the same time, he was aware that
trying to deny how great they were together, or trying to
keep from seeing him again wasn't an option.

"I think from time to time sounds damn good."

Carl reached over, resting his hand on Jim's hip.

"Going to borrow your bathroom for a second,

don't go anywhere." Jim kissed Carl before he scooted

out of the bed.

"I don't think I could move if I wanted to." Carl

watched each step lustfully as Jim moved across the
room.

The bathroom door closed and Carl rolled to his

back, enjoying the tenderness his body felt. Clinching
his ass together, he smiled at the bruised feeling.
Laughing at himself, he rolled from the bed, picked up
his spent condom from the floor, and tossed it in the
trash.

"I'm going to go get our wine, be right back," Carl

called out.

Hearing a muffled acknowledgement from the

bathroom, he walked naked to the living room, grabbed
the open bottle and two glasses from the coffee table
and carried them back to the bed. He caught his naked
reflection in the mirror as he set everything on the
dresser. Not half as good as the male in the bathroom,
but he had to admit, he didn't look too bad for a man
pushing forty.

He'd just laid back on the bed when Jim exited the

bathroom, coming back to him and taking his glass of

wine.

Sitting down beside Carl, he rested his palm over

Carl's thigh. "So, I've never been good at this part, so
I'm just going to ask. You want me to get dressed and
go, or stay for a while?"

Taking a long sip of his wine, Carl watched Jim

over the rim of the glass. He had to give the guy credit
for his honesty, and the way he always came out and
said what he was thinking. Carl swallowed, lowering the
glass from his lips. "I'd like you to stay, if you would like
to."

"Probably just want me to make you breakfast in

bed in the morning?" Jim's mouth quirked up in a teasing
smile.

"I was thinking more of having you for breakfast in

bed."

"Well, I think that could be arranged." Jim's hand

gave Carl's thigh a squeeze.

They spent the rest of the night talking, laughing,

and exploring each other in a way Carl never thought he
would share with another after losing Bill. Comfortable
and naked, they lounged around the house watching a

movie in bed until the gentle caresses and kisses
became too much and they found new ways to entertain
themselves amidst the sounds of the movie playing in the
background. By the time they wrapped around each
other to fall asleep, Carl didn't know if he would be
able to move tomorrow. Funny thing was, he didn't
much care.

CHAPTER SIX

Carl pushed the lawn mower into the garage,

sweat dripping down his back. Whoever said it didn't
get hot in Idaho sure didn't have a clue what they were
talking about. He moved a couple boxes around
looking for the Weed Eater he swore he'd left leaning
against the far wall. He had to keep his mind busy. Too
much thinking wasn't a good thing.

Two days passed since he talked to Jim, not for

lack of Jim trying. Jim called several times and each
time Carl let his phone go to voicemail. Once, Jim even
came to the door, and all Carl could do was sit in the
living room and listen to the doorbell ring, feeling guilty
over everything they had done.

He liked Jim, that wasn't the issue. The issue was

the morning after, once they said their goodbyes and
parted ways, Carl sat down and let the memories flood
him. The walls he built came crumbing down and it was
as if Bill died only yesterday. He made a vow when Bill

died not to be with anyone else and he'd broken that
vow after ten years.

He was being foolish. Kept telling himself that Bill

would want him to move on, yet, all Carl could focus on
was the pain he felt the day Bill failed to come home to
him. He couldn't risk that again. He may be in Idaho
now, and the chances of something like 9/11 happening
in a town like Hapton were slim to none, but it didn't
change the fact that if Carl continued to see Jim, he
wouldn't be able to control the feelings he was suddenly
having for him, and they would both end up hurt.

Finally finding the Weed Eater in the back corner

of the garage, he checked the line as well as the gas
level and went back to work. He should be sleeping.
He had to report to work in a couple hours and always
liked to get a nap in before, but there was no way his
mind would calm enough to sleep. He needed to keep
busy. A couple more hours and he could focus on
work. His one saving grace was he knew Jim had the
night off and he would have more time to think how to
explain everything before he saw him.

Glaring up at the afternoon sun, he focused on his

yard. He needed to get Jim out of his mind somehow
and do it fast.

*****

The station was unusually quiet when Carl arrived.

Usually the laughter and joking would echo down the
halls from the den as the guys watched TV or screamed
at the latest game.

Sighing, he took his bag, shoved it in his locker,

and went to investigate the silence. He hoped for a night
of joking around and letting the guys pull his mind from
thoughts of Jim, but it was looking like luck wasn't going
to be on his side.

Stepping into the den, he met the somber faces of

the other firefighters He raised a brow as they all turned
toward him.

"Captain died last night," Mark, one of the older

men told him. "Sudden heart attack, he was gone
before we even arrived to the call."

Carl braced his hand on the doorjamb in shock,

and shook his head. "I didn't know him well, but still a

damn shame. He was a great man. I'm sorry for your
loss." He looked around the room.

"Thanks." Mark sighed. "Until they assign or

promote someone new, Randal will be in charge. He is
the highest ranking out of everyone. You need anything,
you can go to him."

Carl nodded, mumbling his thanks. "If I can do

something, let me know."

He stepped back into the hallway, going toward

the kitchen, leaving them to be alone.

He was too new for it to affect him the way it did

the others, but what it did do was bring back memories
of what the station in New York had been like the
weeks after 9/11. The same somber, shocked faces
staring back at him. Only then, it was him they looked
at with pity and sadness.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, he

took a seat, thinking he probably should cook
something for everyone tonight, but had no clues as to
what. He needed to keep busy. If he hadn't already
been thinking about Bill before this, he sure would be
now.

He stared at the stove as if he expected something

to magically appear and save him from having to decide
what to make. He glanced at the clock, seeing it was
already after six. The guys would be hungry soon.

Rising from the chair, he decided to take another

look in the fridge with the hope of finding something
easy he could whip up. He shook his head and laughed.
Just his luck, the damn thing was nearly empty. He
stared at what looked like a questionable couple of
pounds of hamburger, a few browning vegetables, and
an assortment of condiments.

Slamming the fridge shut, he debated on ordering

pizza for everyone. It was better than trying to come up
with something here and he figured most everyone
would eat it.

Going back to his locker, he grabbed his cell

phone and headed back toward the kitchen to get the
number off the magnet stuck to the front of the fridge.
He took one step into the kitchen and cursed.

Jim turned around to face him, frowning as he saw

who it was before turning back to unload several
grocery bags that now littered the kitchen table.

"I thought you had tonight off?" Carl stepped into

the room, slipping his cell phone into his pocket.

"I did, they were short a man after…" He sighed.

"Anyway, they asked if I would work." Jim turned to
look at him, leaning his back against the counter holding
a gallon of orange juice in his hands.

Carl felt like shit. The look on Jim's face was a mix

of anger and sadness. The captain's death would affect
Jim. He worked here a long time. It would be like losing
a family member.

Stepping forward, Carl took the orange juice from

Jim's hands and set it on the counter next to them. He
was standing closer than he probably should have for
being at work, but at the moment he didn't care.
Reaching out his hand, he placed it on Jim's shoulder.
"I'm sorry."

"About captain or about us?"
"Both," Carl whispered. "I'm sorry for his passing,

the pain it causes you and everyone here, and I'm sorry
about us."

Jim nodded, as he pushed past Carl to grab the

juice off the counter and place it in th4e fridge. "Well, I

gave you the option of a one-time thing, or something
more often. I guess you made your choice, didn't you?"

"It's not like that. I enjoyed our time together.

More than I should have." Carl turned, watching Jim
return to the table and busy himself with the grocery
bags. "It's just not that easy."

Even now, standing alone in the kitchen with Jim, it

was all Carl could do to keep his hands off him. He
wanted to take him in his arms, console him, help him to
forget the pain and replace it all with pleasure and
something deeper that Carl refused to acknowledge.

"It is that easy." Jim spoke into the fridge, not even

bothering to turn and look at Carl. "You either want to
see me again or you don't. Nothing hard about that."

"I want to. It's not that I don't. Fuck, I would love

to have you over every chance we can, Jim. It's that I
can't. I know me. It was too much. Whatever it was
between us, I can't risk it getting any stronger." He ran
his hand through his hair, hating they were having this
conversation, wishing he could go back to Dale's and
refuse Jim's offer. Hell, who was he kidding? He loved
that one night they shared. Loved everything about it,

but wasn't that the problem? He loved it, enjoyed the
feeling of holding another, having someone to talk to,
laugh with and share pleasure he could never find alone.

"So you're scared? Is that what it is? Just fear?"

Jim grabbed another bag from the table, opened one of
the cupboards and starting putting cans away. "You're
scared of how good it is between us and so you're just
going to push me away, act like it never happened?"

Carl hung his head. "You make it sound…" Hell,

Jim was just telling the truth. "Shit, I just can't, okay?
I've already lost someone I cared about, I can't lose
another."

"That's fine, Carl. You deny it all, stay away from

me if you want." Jim moved to stand directly in front of
Carl. "But I want you to know, I can't forget. I won't.
I've never felt what we shared with anyone else, and I
don't want it to end. I will give you your space, give in
to your wishes, but it doesn't mean I will like it." Jim
reached up, cupping Carl's chin in his palm, and kissed
him hard.

Carl moaned, caught off guard by the move. The

second their lips touched he couldn't help but respond

to the feel of Jim's mouth against his. Groaning against
his lips, he opened to him, his arms going up and around
Jim to pull him closer.

Jim pressed against him, their stomachs touching

as the kiss deepened. Carl's body responded while at
the same moment his brain was screaming at him to
stop.

It was a call from down the hall that finally had

them pulling apart, trying to catch their breath before
several of the others walked in.

"What's for dinner?" Mitch glanced at them as he

rummaged through the bags that still cluttered the table.

Jim shook his head. "I just got back from the

store, give me some time. I can't work miracles."

Mitch snorted. "The hell you can't. Some of the

shit you come up with is amazing."

Jim glanced at him. Carl looked away and

grabbed his water from the table, focusing on playing
with the label instead of meeting Jim's stare.

He had to stop this. There was no way to avoid

Jim, and honestly, he didn't want too. He liked the
friendship they shared. He just needed to find a way to

keep it from going any farther than friendship.

Gulping down the last of his water, he made an

excuse about having to make a phone call and slipped
out of the kitchen, needing some fresh air to clear his
mind.

*****

Carl thought he was in the clear. He spent most of

the shift with the others and avoided being alone with
Jim. He still felt Jim's stare, the way his gaze followed
him around the station. As long as they didn't touch, he
was fine.

Nevertheless, hanging with the others was almost

as hard on him, if not harder, than facing Jim. The dark
cloud that hung over everyone in response to losing the
captain only reminded Carl about his own loss.

Finally, unable to deal with the somber moods, he

slipped out back, leaning against his favorite spot on the
back wall as he looked up into the sky. He often
wondered if Bill was somewhere up there looking down
at him. He found no solace in that thought now, not

after what he and Jim did the other night. He was
ashamed and prayed that Bill hadn't been watching him
break his vow.

Carl was being stupid. Ten years was long

enough, but damn, the pain. Seeing the guys in the
station right now, grieving over the loss of one of their
own, brought everything back full force. He felt the raw
pain in his chest just as if it was yesterday Bill died. He
couldn't live through it again.

The sound of the backdoor opening had Carl

turning to see who it was. When Jim stepped into the
light, he smiled. Jim was nothing if not persistent.

"You okay?" Jim held out a bottle of water to

Carl.

"Thanks. Yeah, just figured it was best to let them

have time together. I'm still too new to really be family
here. To be honest, it's kind of hard, brings back a lot
of memories. I just needed some fresh air."

Jim took the spot against the wall next to Carl and

twisted the cap off his own bottle. "You're family here.
You've been family from the moment you signed on.
You know how it works, doesn't matter how long

you've been here. Hell, doesn't even matter if you work
here or another station."

"Yeah, I know. Still, seems they needed some

time to remember him. I can't really add much to those
memories." Carl glanced to the side. "How come you're
not in there?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. Knew it

had to open some old wounds, and with the shit going
on between us on top of it…" Jim shrugged. "I just
wanted to check on you."

Carl took a deep breath. "I'm good. Nothing

anyone can do to stop memories."

They stood silent, staring out over the moonlit field

behind the station, the tension hanging heavy between
them.

Jim finally turned, resting his shoulder against the

wall as he looked at Carl. "I'm sorry about the kiss in
there. I know that you said no more. I just wanted one
last..."

"Taste?"
"Yeah, guess that was it, just wanted you to feel

one more time, maybe change your mind."

"It's not that I don't feel it, Jim. What we shared

the other night was amazing. That's what scares me. I
can't let myself care about someone again and end up
hurt like I did before. I know if we continue seeing each
other, it will just make whatever this shit is between us
even stronger and I won't be able to control what I
feel."

"What if I think I've already crossed that line?"
Jim's voice was so soft, Carl wondered if he heard

it right. "What are you saying?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter does it? It won't change

anything between us."

Carl kicked at a small rock and watched it roll

across the parking lot. "No, but damn it, I don't want us
to go around avoiding each other."

Jim snorted. "Coming from the guy who won't

answer his phone or door."

"I know. That was stupid. I just needed time to

process everything. You have to admit what happened
that night was a bit overwhelming."

"That's why I don't understand why you're denying

it."

"I'm not denying it. I am admitting to it. That's why

I can't do this." He turned, facing Jim head on. "Hell,
what we shared scares me. I don't recall it ever being
that way with Bill. I don't think it has ever been that
good, and I'm not just talking the physical pleasure. It
was everything, all of it. Just being around you, is
different than it's been with anyone."

"So what do we do now? You don't want to be

with me, but you don't want to go around avoiding each
other. How do we do this?"

Carl tipped the water bottle back, taking a long

drink while trying to come up with some miracle
solution. "I like hanging out. I don't want..."

The sound of the alarm cut off his words as they

both turned, running inside. Carl watched Jim as they
both grabbed their gear and jumped on the engine. It
seemed they could never get a full conversation in.
Maybe that was for the best, because every moment he
spent with Jim, he was one more step closer to losing
his heart, and he couldn't let that happen.

*****

Carl was tired. One thing about Idaho, there might

not have been as many calls to keep them busy, but
when they did get a call, it could be a big one. The barn
fire they spent the early morning fighting, shifted from
the barn to the vacant field behind. For a while they
worried it would reach the neighboring ranch, but after
several hours of fighting the flames, putting out hot spots
and shoveling fire breaks, they finally got it under
control.

Now, smelling of smoke and covered in burnt

weeds and soot, Carl wanted nothing more than a hot
shower and his pillow. Several of the others stayed on
scene, making sure the fire didn't kick up again with the
wind that was scheduled to hit in a few hours.

Stripping off his shirt, he waited for his turn in the

shower. Everyone around him looked as spent as he
felt. It was a well-needed distraction from the sadness
that hung over them. Still, it came at the cost of
someone else's property and livelihood, and that wasn't
what anyone wanted.

"Here." Jim tossed a fresh towel at Carl. "You can

go first."

Carl stood, staring at Jim's bare chest, the way his

pants hung low on his hips and remembered the way the
defined muscles on his abdomen felt under his touch.
He wished he could grab Jim and pull him into the
shower with him. Wash the dirt and smoke from his
body and replace it with his own scent.

"Thanks, you sure?"
"Yeah, just don't use all the hot water." Jim

smacked his own towel at Carl.

Carl jumped back, laughing. "A cold shower might

do us both some good," he whispered over his shoulder
as he made his way out of the room.

"I could just join you," Jim called.
Carl froze, his body screaming yes. Turning, he

looked at Jim, seeing they were now alone. They were
short on guys anyway with the ones who stayed at the
scene and the others were probably already in the
kitchen getting food before they all caught a nap.

Jim stepped forward. "That wasn't a no."
"We are at work." Carl looked around nervously.
"Who's going to come looking? They will think

one of us is in there, not both." Jim traced a finger down
Carl's bare chest. "No one will know."

Five minutes ago, he could hardly keep his eyes

open, but now, he was suddenly wide-awake. Knowing
he was once again about to make a very bad decision,
he grabbed Jim's hand and pulled him into the bathroom
with him. Slamming the door shut, he pushed Jim up
against the closed door and kissed him.

Be it the stress of the last few hours, the risk of

getting caught or just the electricity they shared when
they touched, neither of them seemed to want slow and
easy. The simple kiss quickly turned into something
much more as both of them worked at the others pants,
pulling them open and pushing them down each other's
legs.

"Shower. Need dirt off. Want to taste your skin."

Jim groaned as Carl wrapped his large hand around his
cock.

Turning with Jim still pressed against him. Carl

maneuvered them close enough to the shower that he
could reach in and turn on the water without ever
breaking the kiss. Feeling the water warm, he slid down

Jim's body to his knees, lifting one foot and then the
other from his pants.

Jim's cock was hard and rested against his

stomach. Carl licked a trail up the shaft as he stood;
stopping long enough to suck the head between his lips
and swipe his tongue over the crown.

Jim gasped, pulling Carl back up to his mouth. His

tongue licked over Carl's as he thrust his hips forward.

Carl smiled as he broke the kiss. He toed off his

own pants and stepped into the hot shower, reaching
his hand out to have Jim join him.

"No one has a better body than yours." Carl kept

his voice low in case anyone was walking by.

"You. Yours is better." Jim ducked his head,

nipping at one of Carl's nipples as his other hand
reached for the soap. "You want to do me first or shall I
do you?" He grinned at the double meaning as he
lathered the soap in his hand.

"You do me first." Carl licked up Jim's neck, his

teeth closing around his earlobe and pulling gently.

"My pleasure." Jim turned them so he was mostly

in the spray and started to move his lathered hands over

Carl's body. The two of them pressed together, their
bodies slipping over each other as the soap coated
them both.

"Turn around." Carl pulled back, reaching for the

shampoo.

Jim turned, bracing his hands against the shower

wall, his head lowered to allow the water to run down
his body instead of directly in the face. He rocked his
hips back as Carl pressed forward against him.

Carl filled his palm with shampoo, bringing one

hand up to spread it through Jim's hair, while taking his
cock with the other to tease the crack of Jim's ass.
Pushing forward, he felt the head settle at Jim's opening.
He should wait until they were both finished washing,
but the way Jim pressed back against him made it
impossible to hold back. One hand going to Jim's hip,
the other still in his hair, he pulled Jim back as he
pushed forward.

Feeling Jim's ass part, Carl's cock sank deep, and

Carl groaned in pleasure. "You okay?" He licked a trail
of water up Jim's spine, his other hand lathering the
shampoo through his hair.

"Yes, don't stop." Jim's hands pressed hard

against the tile wall as he started to move his hips.
"Please, now."

Forgetting about the shampoo, he dropped his

other hand to Jim's hip, braced his feet and started to
move. He watched his cock slide between the wet
cheeks of Jim's ass, surging into him and then retreating
as he worked himself hard against him. Water splashed
where it pooled between them as Carl reached around
and grasped Jim's cock with a tight fist.

"We forgot a condom." Carl whispered as his fist

slid over Jim's hard length.

"It's okay. I trust you. You, haven't had anyone

else, have you?" Jim's voice came out unsteady as he
took Carl deeper.

"Only you, no other. Just you." Carl bent his head

forward, resting it on Jim's curved back as he watched
his cock spear into him.

"Want to feel you. Don't pull out." Jim gasped as

Carl slid his thumb over the head of his cock.

"You want me to fill you with my cum? Is that

what you're asking?" Carl's cock pulsed at the thought.

"Yes. Yes, that's what I want." Jim spread his legs

wider, bracing them better on the wet surface of the
shower as he continued to move his body with Carl's.

"Then that's what you get." Carl was all too aware

of where they were, and what being caught could mean
to both their jobs. The knowledge aroused him even
more and he increased his thrusts, giving Jim everything
he had.

Jim met him thrust for thrust, pushing back into him

and then forward to force his cock through Carl's fist.

Carl's balls tightened, his breath hitched and he

threw his head back, choking on the cry that wanted to
escape as his cock exploded, and hot seed burst forth,
filling Jim.

His own orgasm must have triggered something in

Jim, because seconds later, Jim's body tightened, and
his cock pulsed as hot streams of cum coated his hand
as Jim gave several muffled grunts of pleasure before
falling forward against the wall.

Carl's cock slipped out as Jim fell forward and

Carl turned, leaning against the side wall while trying to
catch his breath as he reached out a hand, trailing it

over Jim's perfectly rounded ass.

"I think that was worth risking our careers over."

Jim turned, stepping closer to lay his head against Carl's
shoulder.

Wrapping his arm around Jim's waist, Carl

nodded. "Well worth the risk. I didn't get all the
shampoo out of your hair." He reached up running his
fingers through the still soapy strands.

"It's okay, can rinse quick. We never even got to

yours."

"I can do it when I get home. Not much there to

worry about anyway, it's so short." Carl pulled back.
"Come on, let's finish up. The longer we take, the more
chance we get caught."

Ten minutes later, they sat on their bunks, still

alone, ready to go to sleep. It was only mid-afternoon,
but after being up all night, fighting the fire, they needed
at least a nap.

Jim climbed under his blanket and Carl wished he

could slid in beside him, remembering the way Jim's
body fit against his as they slept the other night in his
bed.

Jim must have read the look and grinned. "I know.

Me, too. I think that would start the rumors flying and
earn us at least a reprimand."

Carl climbed into his own bed, and yawned.

"Probably right, doesn't mean I can't think about it."

"Night, Carl."
"Night, Jim."

*****

The rest of the shift went by quietly. Carl spent

most of it playing cards with Jim and listening to the TV
in the background. He was enjoying the routine around
the station, even making it a habit now to help Jim with
the meals and cleanup while the others went their own
way.

By the time his shift ended the next day, Carl was

almost sad for it to end. He slung his bag over his
shoulder and made his way outside. Jim stood waiting
for him by the side of his car.

"Hey, thought you left already." Carl hit the button

on his keychain, unlocking the car.

"Wanted to say bye. Maybe see what you have

planned the next couple days off."

Carl tossed his bag into the back seat and turned,

leaning against the car. "We have the funeral day after
tomorrow, besides that, I guess a good book and some
gardening. What about you?"

Jim looked away almost nervously. "Was just

kinda wondering where things stood between us now.
Has anything changed?"

Carl's stomach clenched, but he owed it to Jim to

be honest. "We both know it has, but how I deal with it
is the question, right?"

Jim didn't answer, only continued staring at Carl

waiting to hear more.

"Well, hell." He took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm

fighting a losing battle. I can't seem to stay away from
you. Tried that. Didn't work. It's stupid to think it would
when we work together all the time, and damn it, I
enjoy our friendship."

"Is that what this is? Friendship?"
Carl bit his lip and ran a hand through his hair.

"No, well, yes, I don't know what to call it. What is it

kids say, friends with benefits?"

"Come over for dinner tomorrow."
"Dinner?"
"At least dinner. The whole night if I'm lucky." Jim

blushed. "I want to see you. You can spend the night if
you want. Bring your formals and we can head to the
funeral together in the morning."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say no, but his

heart beat his tongue to the answer and he nodded.

"Good. I will get stuff to barbeque. If that's okay

with you?"

"Sounds good. I will bring some wine, or

something else if you prefer."

"Wine is great." Jim reached in his pocket, pulled

out a folded paper, and handed it to Carl.

"My address and phone number."
"Prepared huh?" Carl unfolded the paper and

glanced at the information.

"I would have given it to you either way, even if

you said no to dinner."

"Thanks. I think I know where it is. Sure it can't

be too hard to find."

Jim pointed. "Four blocks that way and another

two blocks west. You have any trouble, just call. I can
talk you there."

"I'll find it."
Jim shoved his hands in his pockets. "Guess I will

let you go then. See you tomorrow night. Say around
six? You can come early if you like. I'll be home all
day."

"Six is good." Carl turned sliding behind the

steering wheel but left the door open. "You have a good
night."

"I will. You, too." Jim walked to his truck.
Carl slammed his door shut, watching as Jim

stepped up into the cab of his truck, wondering if his life
would ever be normal again.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Carl glanced at the clock, not wanting to get out of

bed. It was almost noon already and he needed to get
up and get a few things done before he headed over to
Jim's for dinner. But for some reason, he kept rolling
over, ignoring the clock, and dozing back off.

It was the ringing of the phone ten minutes later

that had him climbing from the bed to rummage through
his pants and pull the phone from the pocket. Seeing his
aunt's number, he cursed. He usually called his mom a
couple times a week, but it was going on two since he
talked to her.

"Hey, Mom." He hoped he sounded more awake

than he felt.

His heart sank with fear as his aunt's voice

answered back instead of his mothers. Twenty minutes
later, he hung up the phone and sat on the edge of the
bed, his head down, as he finally let the tears he'd been
holding back fall.

Forcing himself to get up, he went to the bathroom

and washed his face before returning to the bedroom.
He grabbed his phone and the paper from his pocket
with Jim's number.

The conversation was short, and Jim seemed

genuinely worried about Carl. Carl assured him he was
fine, and. He went on to explain that his mother had
been sick for a while, and in a way it was a relief she
passed now, before she got any worse.

Jim offered to drive him to the airport, but Carl

refused. It was a long drive to the airport in Salt Lake
City where he could get the fastest flight out, and he
didn't want to make Jim drive it. Carl would just leave
his car in long-term parking. He didn't plan to be gone
longer than a week.

Saying his goodbye, he quickly called work and

arranged for time off, hating that it was happening when
they were already short a man and so soon after just
starting there. Promising to let them know when he got
back, he packed a bag and was out the door.

The long drive to the airport gave him too much

time to think, his mind ranging over everything from life

and death to his relationship with Jim. It was all too
much for him to deal with right now. His emotions were
too raw and he was too on edge to think about anything
serious.

Once at the airport, he booked his flight and

grabbed several books from the small gift shop, hoping
he could get lost in some fictional world for the time
being and forget his own.

*****

With a sigh of relief, Carl closed the book he'd

been trying to get in to as he saw the airport below and
felt the steady decline of the airplane as it prepared for
landing.

He never enjoyed flying. Being stuck in a small

area with several hundred other people wasn't his idea
of comfort. Today especially, with the reason for the
flight hanging over his head. He happily stepped off the
plane and into the airport, wanting to make his way out
into the fresh air.

Glad he only had his small carry-on, he bypassed

baggage claim and made his way out front to hail a cab.
The sharp contrast of New York to Idaho hit him like a
brick wall as the cab driver pulled out onto the busy
streets and headed toward the city.

Carl watched the city out of the dirty cab

windows. Any doubts he had about moving to Idaho
were gone as he watched the buildings start to hide the
blue sky from his view, and the cab slow as it hit the
afternoon traffic.

His aunt lived just outside the city in a nice quiet

neighborhood, yet it felt like forever to make the drive
there. The cab stopped in front of the two-story home
and Carl paid the driver, tipping him nicely. He turned,
staring at the house a moment, hearing the cab pull
away behind him. He took a deep breath, and stepped
up the front steps, his heart pounding harder as he
neared the door.

Carl figured his aunt would lay on the guilt,

blaming him and his move for the death of his mother.
They both tried to talk him out of it, claiming they
needed him here. But for the first time in his life Carl did
something he wanted. He was tired of pleasing

everyone else. Knocking on the door, he held his
breath, praying this would not be as bad as he
expected.

*****

It was after midnight before Carl climbed the stairs

to the room his aunt made up for him. He was
exhausted from working with his aunt to finalize funeral
arrangements and meet with friends who stopped by to
wish their condolences.

His aunt had been pleasant, and to his surprise,

didn't blame him at all. He listened as she talked about
how bad his mother had become in the last month and
figured she knew it was for the best. He felt the same
way. There was no reason his mother should have had
to suffer longer. His aunt looked tired and guilt
swarmed him for having left her to care for his mother.
However, it had been his mother's choice. There wasn't
much he could do to change it now.

He undressed and pulled on the only pair of

pajama bottoms he owned, opting to sleep in the nude

most nights when he was home. Pulling back the covers
on the bed, he glanced at the clock. It was only ten in
Idaho. If he were still home, he would be over at Jim's
now, doing who knew what. He smiled. He knew all
too well exactly what the two of them would be doing.
He regretted that he missed it, but it wasn't like he had a
choice in the matter.

He needed to take his mind off his current situation

and decided to take a chance that Jim would still be
awake. He grabbed his phone, going through the recent
calls he made until he found Jim's number and called.

The steady ring of the phone had him wondering

where Jim could be. When the voicemail finally picked
up, the disappointment was so strong it actually took
him by surprise.

"Hey, Jim, it's Carl. Just wanted to let you know I

arrived safe. Things are okay here. Not as dramatic as I
expected. Lot of friends dropping by. Funeral is
planned for the day after tomorrow, and I will be flying
out that night. I will give you a call when I get home.
Sorry again about our plans. Well, I guess I will talk to
you when I get back. Bye."

He hit the disconnect button and sighed, falling

back onto his pillow after setting the phone on the
nightstand. He tried not to wonder where Jim could be.
He shouldn't let his mind wander where it had no right
to go. Jim didn't belong to him. They were friends,
friends who had casual sex. Carl had no right to be
jealous thinking that Jim could be out with someone
else. He probably had other lovers. Carl highly doubted
Jim had been sitting celibate, waiting for Carl to walk
into his life.

He reached over and flipped off the light, trying to

push all the thoughts from his head. He didn't want to
think about Jim with someone else. Didn't want to think
about his mother's death. He wanted peace, but damn if
he knew where to find it.

*****

Carl stepped out of the bank and looked up and

down the busy sidewalk. He figured that three times the
amount of people walked along the sidewalk right now
than lived in the whole town of Hapton. Brushing past a

couple of business men, Carl made his way farther into
town, the walk and fresh air, if you could call it fresh in
New York, helped to clear his head.

He really had nowhere to go, so he wandered

aimlessly, looking in storefronts, and doing anything he
could to avoid going back to the house. He spent the
morning gathering his mother's financial records and
tying up any loose ends. Her estate would be easy to
figure out with everything split between him and his
aunt. With the bank and other calls he needed to make
taken care of, he continued through the city. Before he
even realized where he was going, he was standing
across the street from the fire station he worked at for
almost half his life.

He stepped out of the way of pedestrian traffic,

found a spot in the shade near a planter, and sat down
on the edge. He watched as several of the men he used
to work with washed the truck. He smiled,
remembering days when he would have been laughing
and avoiding the one idiot who always decided to start
a water fight as he used the hose to rinse the truck off
and would purposely miss.

Carl fought back the urge to go over. It would do

nothing but open up old wounds. He wanted to move
forward, not back. He thought about the new job he
had, how slow and relaxed things were. It was a nice
change of pace. He noticed several new faces across
the street, young and in their prime. It was best to leave
it to them. They were the future. Not that Carl was
anywhere ready to retire, but the slower pace suited
him. He was where he needed to be.

He gave a final glance at the station and took off

back down the street, walking several blocks before
hailing a cab and going back to his aunt's house. He
sighed seeing several cars in the driveway. It was nice
having people pay their respects, but he just wasn't in
the mood to deal with the sorrow and condolences right
now. He had lived through enough of those in his
lifetime.

With a fake smile, he made his way into the living

room to say hello, pleased when he found out the
visitors where there for his aunt and not for him. He
made his greeting and then excused himself to head
upstairs to go through some of his mother's things.

Most of it would go to his aunt. He had no use for

her jewelry or clothes, or all the little knickknacks she
collected over the years. One thing he did want to go
through was the files of papers and books that sat
boxed in the back of her closet.

He pulled the large box out, wiped a thin layer of

dust from the top and carried it to his room, shutting the
door behind him. He took a pile from the top, sat down
on the bed and started to go through the old pictures
and newspaper clippings. He swallowed hard as he
realized he was looking at his own life. Everything he
did was right here, stored in the box.

Tears came to his eyes as he continued to look

through things. He never knew his mother saved any of
this stuff. Hell, he didn't even know she had seen most
of it. She never said a word about it to him.

As he read several articles, it was as if he was

transported back in time, reliving the moments or the
rescues over again in his mind. Carl paused on one
picture, seeing Bill and he standing in front of one of the
engines, arms hooked around each other's waists as
they smiled for the camera.

He remembered that day clearly. They had been

messing around between calls, when a journalist
stopped by to get some photos for an article she was
writing. Bill had been the first to jump up and volunteer
them, dragging Carl outside to pose for several pictures
while the others stood aside laughing. Carl had never
seen the picture before. He figured nothing ever came
of the article. But somehow, his mother had found it and
saved it all these years.

He wiped at the tears that slipped down his

cheeks with the back of his hand. All these years he felt
like a failure to his mother, knowing how badly she
wanted grandchildren and disagreed with him being gay.
He never knew she collected all the articles and pictures
of his awards and rescues. For the first time in his life,
he was proud of what he'd accomplished. And maybe
that was because for the first time in his life, as he sat
looking through his mother's things, he finally felt
accepted.

Carl needed to digest everything he found, not

liking the way his emotions seemed to be out of control.
He set things back in the box for later, made his way

down the hall, stripped down and stepped into the
shower, hoping the warm water would help clear his
head.

Twenty minutes later, the water started to grow

cold, forcing him out of his serenity. He hoped no one
else would need hot water for a while. He could still
hear voices from the living room as he made his way
back toward the bedroom. He wanted the day to end
and was grateful the funeral would be tomorrow and he
could fly home.

As he entered the room, his cell phone beeped

letting him know he had a voicemail. Tossing his dirty
clothes on the floor in a pile, he reached for his cell,
frowning when he saw whose call he missed. Hitting the
play button, a smile played over his face as he sank
down onto the bed and listened to Jim's voice.

"Hey, just me. Guess you're busy. I just wanted to

see how you were doing. I hope things are going okay.
Glad you will be home soon. Give me a call when you
get in if you want to say hi, or talk, or… Well, anyway,
guess I will talk to you when you get home. Bye."

Carl set the phone down, and reached back into

the box by his bed to pull out the picture of Bill and him.
He stared at it, remembering what it was like to have
someone there all the time, someone to hold at night.
He missed that. He missed it more than he even
realized, until Jim stepped into his life.

Rubbing his thumb down the picture, something

inside him broke. An emotional wall he'd built up over
the years, protecting him from pain and keeping his
heart safe from losing someone else he cared about. He
felt the dammed-up emotion rush through him, causing
him to gasp as he realized what it was he was feeling.

He was in love again.
Somehow, in just the few short weeks since he'd

met Jim, he had gone and fallen in love. The realization
stunned him, and he sat motionless on the bed trying to
digest its meaning. Jim wanted him, but was it just
sexual? Was there any chance that Jim felt the same
way for him?

Thinking back over the last week they spent

together, he tried to decide if Jim's persistence meant
more than just a physical attraction. Carl almost
panicked as he thought about the chance that Jim might

not return the feelings.

Carl set the picture of Bill down on the nightstand

and for the first time felt as if he could let Bill go. Move
on with his life. His hand shook as he realized how
much he'd missed out on, given up, and for the most
part, stopped living because of his grief. He always
blamed others for bringing Bill up. Always consoling
him after ten years when it was really his fault. He was
the one who never let go, would not move past the loss.
He invited the comments and the pity through his own
actions.

He reached for his phone and hit Jim's number,

not having a clue what he would say now that he had
come to this realization, but knowing he needed to talk
to him.

It took two rings for Jim to pick up.
"Hello?"
"Hey." Carl smiled at the sound of Jim's voice.
"Hey, you okay?" Jim sounded out of breath.
"Yeah, you?"
"On the way to a call. Can I call you back later?"
Carl didn't hesitate, he wasn't about to distract Jim

in any way if they were on a call. "Sure, yeah. I will be
headed to bed in a bit, so if I miss you tonight, well I
guess I will see you when I get home. I have a full day
tomorrow."

"K, will talk to you then."
Carl listened to the beep of the call disconnecting

and sighed. He knew better than anyone what it was
like on a call and didn't blame Jim for cutting it short.
He probably wouldn't have even answered if it had
been his own phone ringing.

He tossed the phone aside, trying not to let the

frustration get the best of him. Emotions choked him,
and his one and only release for those emotions just
hung up his phone. He sighed and paced the bedroom.
A new man. A free man. All the chains lifted. Now all
he could do is pray that Jim wouldn't turn him away. He
was going to tell him he loved him, no matter what the
outcome might be.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Carl watched through misted eyes as they lowered

the casket into the ground. His aunt sat at his side,
dabbing at her own tears as the minister said a final
prayer. A mixture of sadness and relief flooded Carl.
He was glad his mother wasn't suffering anymore, but
after finding the pictures and articles, he wished he
could just sit and talk to her one more time.

He glanced around at the solemn faces, some

distant family, others friends. With the exception of a
couple second cousins he never met, he was one of the
youngest in attendance.

As the graveside service ended, he rose, stretching

his tired legs as he accepted condolences from a line of
well-wishers. He was anxious to go home. Not to his
aunt's, but home to Hapton. New York wasn't home
anymore. It never would be again.

It took him and his aunt nearly twenty minutes to

make their way through the crowd and into her car. He

gave the grave a final glance, knowing it would
probably be a while before he returned. He reached out
giving his aunt's hand a gentle squeeze before starting
the car and pulling away.

*****

His flight seemed faster, but this time he wasted

time waiting for luggage. Wanting to bring home some
of his mother's papers and all the photos and articles, he
went out and bought a suitcase for the return trip. Now
with the bags sitting in the backseat, he smiled as the
road sign in front of him read, Hapton forty miles.

The drive from Salt Lake City to Hapton, took

several hours. Carl pressed down on the gas pedal a bit
harder than he should, the desire to get home and call
Jim pushing him forward. The sky grew dark and a
beautiful array of colors formed to the west. Carl
smiled, wishing he could share the view with Jim and
hoped that somehow Jim was looking up into the night
sky right now thinking about him.

Nervousness started to form in the pit of his

stomach. He was being foolish worrying about things.
Jim seemed clear that he wanted to see more of each
other. However, was he ready for the declaration of
love that Carl planned on giving?

His sweaty palms gripped the steering wheel

tighter as he caught sight of the town from the freeway.
He pulled down the off ramp, and turned, making his
way toward his house. He parked in the driveway, shut
off the car and stepped out. He took a deep breath as
he stretched, stiff from the long drive. Even the air here
smelled different, fresh.

He grabbed the bags from the car, and headed

inside, dumped his luggage on the floor beside his bed,
and reached for his cell. Punching in Jim's number as he
headed to the kitchen for a well needed drink and
listened to the phone ring.

"Hello?"
At the sound of Jim's voice, Carl hesitated. What

was he going to say? How was he going to do this? He
should have planned things before just calling the
moment he arrived home.

"Carl? You there?"

Clearing his throat, Carl gave himself a metal

shake. "Yeah, sorry, had just taken a drink," he lied. "I
just got home, thought I would let you know I made it
safe."

"I'm glad. Did everything go okay? The funeral

and all? You doing okay?"

Carl took a seat at the kitchen table, fisting the

soda can he held. "Yeah, I'm doing fine. Everything
went well. It was a nice funeral. But, it's good to be
home. Don't know how I managed to live there all those
years."

"Hapton have you spoiled already?"
Jim's laugh was refreshing and Carl longed to hear

more of it. "Looks that way, doesn't it? How are you?"

"Good. Picked up a couple extra shifts while you

were gone. We have a new captain. I think you
remember Mitch."

"Yeah, sure. He will do well. Seems like most the

men like him." Carl ran his finger through a bit of dew
that was forming on the edge of the can. "So, you free?"

"Tonight? Now?"
"Yeah, I'd like to see you." The nervous knot in

Carl's stomach clinched tighter.

"I'm out at my parents place right now, but I could

stop by on my way home. Won't be for an hour or so
though."

"An hour is good. Like I said, I just got home. It

will give me time to shower and unpack."

"Called me first thing?" Jim's voice held a bit of

surprise.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did." Carl blushed and was glad no

one was there to see it.

A hefty laugh was the response from the other end

of the line. "Well then, I will try to hurry. I don't want to
make you wait. Have you eaten? I can grab pizza or
something on my way over."

"Sure, sounds good. Unless you've already eaten."

Carl glanced at his watch. "I can just grab something
here."

"No, I ate, but it was earlier. Pizza actually sounds

good. Anything you don't like?"

"Nope, good with anything."
"Then I will see you as soon as I can get there."
"See you then."

"Bye."
Carl stared at the phone for several moments after

Jim disconnected, a smile tipping the corners of his
mouth. Now he just needed to figure out how the hell
he was going to spill his soul to him without making a
fool of himself.

He gulped down the last of his drink, tossed the

can in the garbage and made his way to the bedroom.
After stripping down, he grabbed clean clothes from the
dresser and went in for a quick shower.

Twenty minutes later, he sat on the back patio

with a cold beer in hand, staring up into the night sky. A
gentle breeze blew just enough to cool the yard from
the still lingering heat of the day.

Carl jumped, nearly spilling his beer when the

doorbell rang. Righting the bottle, he left it sit as he
made his way to the front door. Easing open the door,
he smiled, feeling his heart skip a beat at the sight of the
man standing before him.

"Hi. Come in. Here let me take those." Carl

stepped aside, reaching out for the two pizza boxes Jim
carried.

"It's okay. We eating inside or out?" Jim stepped

past him, glancing over his shoulder as he spoke.

"Out. I already have a beer, would you like one?"

Carl shut the door, locking it.

"Sure, beer sounds good."
Carl followed Jim to the living room, and then

veered the other direction to the kitchen while Jim went
outside. Grabbing a beer and several napkins he quickly
made his way back outside.

"You look good." Jim smiled, as he stood beside

the table.

Carl stepped closer, holding out the beer. "So do

you."

"How good?" Jim smiled flirtatiously as he took

the beer, brushing his fingers over Carl's hand.

Not about to miss this chance, Carl stepped even

closer, hooking his fingers in Jim's belt loops as he
pulled him closer. "Very good." His mouth came down
on Jim's before he even finished speaking.

Both men moaned as their mouths opened and

tongues slid over each other. The extra inch of space
between them closed as they brought their bodies

together, pressing against the growing hardness they
were each experiencing.

Carl broke the kiss but stayed close, his arms still

wrapped around Jim, caressing his back. "I couldn't
wait to get home and see you."

Jim rubbed his nose over Carl's jaw. "Is this the

same man who left here, unsure that he wanted anything
more between us?"

Carl dipped his head, catching Jim's lips between

his own and sucking on them for a moment before
releasing them. "I did a lot of thinking while I was
away."

Carl could feel Jim's heart pounding against his

own chest, or maybe it was his own beating in double
time as he met Jim's gaze.

"Why don't we eat and you can tell me about this

thinking you did." Jim stole another kiss before stepping
back out of Carl's arms.

They sat down beside each other, staying silent as

they each reached for pizza and took several bites. Carl
took a long drink of his beer, and then set it down. He
reached his free hand over and linked his fingers with

Jim's.

"I realized while I was away just how much I've

closed off everyone and everything. How it was my
fault that no one would let go of Bill's memory. It was
because I wouldn't let him go. I brought it all on myself
by hiding in my grief." Carl took a deep breath. "I
realized by not letting go of the past I was keeping
myself from living. I feared I would have to relive the
pain somehow if I did, but by not letting go, I was just
living in pain anyway."

Jim's thumb rubbed over Carl's knuckles, but he

stayed silent, listening.

Carl raised his gaze to meet Jim's. "I've also

realized how important you've become to me since we
met. That was why I tried to push you away. You've
made me feel things that I haven't felt in a long time. I
was scared of those feelings."

Jim finally spoke. "Was scared? As in, you're not

anymore?"

Carl smiled and shook his head. "Not anymore. I

faced those feeling while I was in New York. I thought
about them a lot, and realized…" He took a deep

breath, his fingers gripping tighter around Jim's hand. "I
love you."

Carl watched Jim closely for his reaction, ready

for anything. He was taking a chance telling Jim how he
felt. He debated on when would be the right time, but
didn't want some sappy in-the-bed thing. He wanted to
be able to say it with a clear head and not with a million
aroused hormones rushing through his body. He wanted
to get it out in the open and give Jim a chance to walk
away if it was too much.

Jim smiled, lifting their joined hands to his lips. He

kissed Carl's knuckles, then turned their hands and
brought Carl's palm to his lips. "I knew from that night
in the kitchen, the first time we touched that there was
something about you that was different than any other
man I've known. I tried to ignore it, especially when you
denied everything and made it clear you didn't want this.
But it wouldn't go away, still hasn't." Moving from the
chair, Jim fell to his knees in front of Carl, looking up at
him. "I love you, too."

Carl let out a long breath he hadn't even noticed

he was holding. Reaching out, he pulled Jim close,

wrapping his arms around him as their mouths met.
Gone were the timid and questioning kisses. They finally
knew where they stood with each other, and the fact
that Jim returned the feelings made everything perfect.

All the insecurity he had been holding seeped

away as Jim pressed between his legs, moving closer.
Holding Jim in his arms felt right. He kissed him with
passion, hoping he was conveying in the kiss all the
things he would never find words to express.

Pulling back, Carl traced his finger down Jim's

cheek. "I love you. I never thought I would say that to
anyone again. But, God forgive me, I love you."

Jim responded by standing, drawing Carl up with

him and wrapping his arms around him.

The two of them stared into each other's eyes,

and the look that Carl saw in Jim's caused his breath to
catch. It was more than Carl could ever wish for. After
years of feeling lost and alone, everything seemed to
snap back into place as he held his lover in his arms.
Everything he was missing the last ten years finally
found, returning a hope and happiness he thought he
would never see again.

They turned for the house together as if they both

were thinking the same thing at the same time. Once in
the house, Jim turned and drew Carl back against his
body. "Make love to me." Jim held his lips against
Carl's as he spoke.

"Yes." Carl took the lead this time, holding Jim's

hand against his hip as they made their way to the
bedroom.

They stood at the foot of the bed when Jim pulled

back, his hand going to the hem of his shirt. "You want
me to undress for you again?"

Carl dragged Jim back against him and shook his

head. "No, this time I want the pleasure of undressing
you."

He replaced Jim's hands at the hem of his shirt and

slid them up his stomach, enjoying the way the muscles
tensed under his skin. He pushed the shirt up and over
Jim's head, his mouth moving to Jim's chest as the shirt
fell to the floor.

"Mmm." A soft moan escaped Jim as Carl licked

over one nipple and then the other.

Carl wanted to explore, taste and know every inch

of Jim intimately, memorize every contour of his body.
He slid his hands down Jim's hips, feeling him shiver
under his touch. He brought his hands inward to the
button of Jim's jeans, feeling the heat from his arousal
through the material. Working the button, he eased the
pants open and then pushed them slowly down Jim's
legs as he lowered to his knees.

Jim braced his hands on Carl's shoulders as he

lifted one foot then the other, allowing Carl to pull off
each shoe and sock before finally pushing the pants the
rest of the way from his body.

Staying on his knees, Carl looked up, meeting

Jim's stare, very aware of the hard cock that sat inches
from his face. He felt Jim shudder and smiled as he
leaned forward and wrapped his mouth around his
lover's cock.

"Carl." The way Jim said his name had Carl

reaching down, loosening his own pants and pulling his
cock free of its confines to ease the pressure.

"What?" Carl licked the tip of his tongue up the

side of Jim's growing hardness. "Need something?"

"Yes… You. I need you." Jim spread his legs

farther apart, bracing his feet as his fingers combed
through Carl's hair.

"You have me." Carl once again sucked the head

of Jim's cock into his mouth and lowered his lips upon
him. He savored the salty taste of his arousal as he
started to work his mouth and tongue over him in a
steady rhythm. One hand cupped his balls as he used
the other to stroke the growing hardness between his
own legs.

Working his tongue over the ridges and curves of

Jim's cock, he kept his gaze up locked with Jim's,
enjoying watching the pleasure pass over his face and
learning the sensitive places as he stroked and sucked
harder against him.

"Stop, don't want to come like this. Not this time."

Jim pulled back, his cock popping from the suction of
Carl's mouth.

Standing, Carl lifted his own shirt over his head as

Jim's fingers went to work on his pants. Toeing off his
shoes, he stepped out of his pants, watching Jim toss
them aside. Both of them stood naked, staring at each
other a moment before once again drawing back into

each other's arms.

Carl groaned as his cock slipped over Jim's, both

heads leaving a wet trail of pre-cum over the other.
Rocking their hips together they increased the pressure
until they were both breathless and gasping into the
others mouth.

Turning them, Carl gave a gentle shove and

watched as Jim fell back on the bed, his legs falling
open as he scooted back father against the pillows. Carl
swallowed hard as he stared, mesmerized by the male
before him. The lustful hunger in Jim's eyes only made it
better.

Crawling onto the bed, he settled between Jim's

legs until his cock touched Jim's. Bending forward, he
kissed him hard, rolling his hips forward and taking their
need for each other higher.

"I rushed things with us last time, but not now. This

time I want to taste you. Make you want me so badly
you beg." Carl took a perk nipple in his mouth, and bit
gently.

Jim's reaction was a muffled, "Umph," his hips

lifting in response.

Carl licked over the same nipple easing the sting of

his teeth, then repeated the bite and lick on the other.
Reaching his hand between them, he palmed Jim's balls,
lifting the heavy weight and rolling it over his fingers
before sliding his hand up and wrapping it around the
base of Jim's thick shaft.

Jim closed his eyes as Carl moved his hand over

him, teasing at the head, rubbing the shiny pre-cum in
slow circles with his thumb before gliding his hand back
down. Trailing his tongue down Jim's body, he soon
replaced his hand with his mouth.

"No, can't," Jim whispered. "Want you inside me."
Carl raised his gaze to Jim and nodded, unable to

speak around the cock in his mouth. He would give Jim
what he wanted, but he was damn well going to take
what he wanted first. Pressing his finger between the
cheeks of Jim's ass, he found his puckered entrance and
used the tip of his finger to trace over it and then slowly
press inside.

Jim's body welcomed the intrusion, pulling Carl's

finger in deeper as his muscles contracted tight around
him. The warm heat surrounded Carl's finger and he

moaned thinking of his cock that would be sliding inside
him very soon.

As Jim worked his hips, sliding his cock deeper

into Carl's mouth, Carl sucked harder, taking him
deeper, trying to keep from gagging as the thickness slid
into his throat. He swallowed around him, tasting the
salty pleasure from Jim, and hungering for more.

Jim's hands fisted into Carl's hair as he drug him

up the length his body and brought them together for a
hard and hungry kiss. Jim's legs came around Carl's
hips, pulling their bodies closer, and causing Carl's cock
to settle where his finger had been.

They both stilled as their eyes met. Carl reached

up and brushed his hand through Jim's hair, and then
cupped his palm against his cheek. "I could easily get
used to that look in your eyes." He brushed his mouth
over Jim's.

Jim pressed his face to his palm, and then turned

to kiss it. "Make me yours."

Carl's heart hitched as he nodded. Reaching down

between them, he slid the wet head of his cock over
Carl's ass and pressed forward. "Mine," he whispered.

Carl watched as Jim parted allowing him to slowly

slide inside, and then raised his gaze to Jim's as he
started to move. He once again took Jim's cock into his
hand and started to stroke him, his own cock sinking in
deep as his hand slid up Jim's length. The two of them
finding a perfect rhythm together as they worked their
bodies against one another, increasing the thrusts and
the need.

Jim's hand replaced Carl's on his cock, taking

himself with long hard strokes as Carl watched. Bracing
his hands on the back of Jim's thighs, Carl lifted his ass
higher, sliding even deeper as his balls slapped hard
against Jim's ass.

Grunts and groans of pleasures came from both of

them and a sheen of sweat formed over Carl's brow.
The two of them fit perfectly together, working and
thrusting against each other, learning exactly what
excited and pleased each of them.

Jim's head fell back, his breath coming in hard

gasps, his muscles tightening around Carl, pulling him in
and releasing him as the sounds of their coupling
brought them closer to release.

Carl felt Jim's body tighten and heard the struggled

gasp as Jim found his pleasure first. Carl watched as
Jim's stomach tightened and his cock exploded, sending
hot streams of cum across his body. Jim's fingers
continued to work over the slick mess, but Carl only
watched for a moment before lowering his head and
licking a trail of the creamy fluid off Jim's chest as his
hips continued the thrust and retreat, his own balls
tightening as he felt Jim's ass clamp down around him.

"Ugh… God…" Carl cried out, unable to hold

back any longer as his breath caught, heart skipped,
and he felt his release shoot from his balls, up his cock
and fill Jim with his seed. He moved slower but still
deep, milking himself as Jim wrapped his legs tighter
around his waist and held him there. Finally, completely
spent and unable to move, Carl fell forward. Jim
welcomed his weight, easing his arms around him and
holding him close, sated and exhausted in pleasure.

Carl took a deep breath, running his lips over Jim's

neck before gently lifting his hips and pulling out of him
before rolling to his side. Jim turned with him so they
were still face-to-face. Carl linked his hand with Jim's,

holding it to his chest.

"I could get used to this," Carl smiled.
"So could I."
"I was worried about telling you how I feel.

Thought you might leave."

Jim gave a small shake of his head. "No. I've

made my feelings clear from day one. I never expected
you to come back and be ready for more, but I'm glad
you are. You know I wouldn't risk making love in the
shower at work and putting my job in danger for just
anyone."

Carl chuckled. "Yeah, that was probably not our

smartest moment, but it was worth it."

"I'm sure it won't be the last time."
"I hope not." Carl slid his leg between Jim's and

eased a little closer. "So did you mean what you said?
Are you mine?"

"I have nothing to hide, and I'm more than happy

to stake a public claim on you. If it's okay with you. I'm
not sure how you feel about everyone knowing we are
together."

Carl went up on one elbow, looking down at Jim,

his expression going serious. "I want everyone to know.
I don't want to hide you, hide what we share together.
I've hidden away too long, hiding from myself. I'm not
going to hide anymore." He lowered his head, seeking
another kiss.

Jim responded, wrapping his arms around Carl as

he rolled to his back again, pulling him close. "Then let
me help you come out of hiding."

CHAPTER NINE

The next two weeks flew by. The two of them

worked together when they could. They enjoyed the
tension that would build at the station and erupt as soon
as they left and arrived home to whosever's house they
decided to stay at.

Carl couldn't remember ever being happier. He

found new life in his relationship with Jim. A life he
thought he would never find again. After ten years of
suffering, Carl finally felt alive again.

They stayed at Carl's most the time, as he lived a

bit closer to work. Jim moved some of his clothes over
as well as other things he needed on a daily basis. Carl
loved the way they were settling into domestic life quite
well together.

Carl hated the nights they worked different shifts,

and tonight was one of those nights. He scanned
through the channels on the TV, looking for anything to
watch, but nothing could keep his interest. Shutting off

the television, he tossed the remote on the coffee table,
and headed outside.

It was still light, the sun just starting its descent to

the west. Carl walked to the back of the yard, leaned
down, and ran his fingers over the soft petal of one of
his roses. The ivory color fascinated him. Really, all the
flowers amazed him after living so long in a place where
a simple houseplant was about the most he'd been able
to grow. Now that he could grow his own flowers,
work in his own yard, he made sure to enjoy every part
of it, from the fragrant, beautiful flowers, to the dirt
under his nails.

He stretched as he stood and then turned.

Instantly, his eyes went wide as he noticed black smoke
filling the sky. He couldn't see the source of the smoke
from the back of the house, but he knew from
experience, it was a structure fire.

Running from the yard, he made his way through

the house and threw open his front door. The smoke
was thicker down below as it billowed higher into the
afternoon sky. He could make out flames in the distant
every now and then and whatever was burning, it was

burning fast and hard.

His blood pumped wishing he could be there,

missing the lick of the heat against his skin, and the
smells and sounds of the burning material around him. It
was in his blood to fight fires like this.

His curiosity and desire to be there clawed at his

mind. It might be his day off, but it didn't stop the
adrenalin from rushing through him at the thought of
fighting a fire. He almost envied Jim and the others who
were working tonight. Unable to resist at least getting a
look, he turned going back inside. He made his way to
his to his room for his shoes, slipping them on, figuring it
wouldn't hurt to drive by, see how things were and
exactly what was burning. He had nothing else to do
with his night.

He grabbed his keys off the table and headed out

to the car as he tried to remember what buildings were
in the area that the smoke was rising from.

The streets were nearly empty until he turned

down Main. Several cars had pulled off to the side with
people leaning against the hoods watching the smoke
and flames from farther down the street. Carl could

make out the fire engine and several police cars around
a building, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember
what it was.

Daring to pull closer than most cars, he parked

just a few yards from the fire engine, making sure his
car wasn't blocking anyone if they needed to move.
Stepping out, his nostrils flared at the smell of smoke
and embers that seemed to smother the area.

Walking around the large engine, he watched as

his co-workers used everything they had to fight the fire
that didn't want to die. Glancing at the sign that hung in
front of the business, Carl cursed. It was the feed store,
probably the worst location for a fire in the entire town.

Carl's heartbeat doubled in time as he moved a

few steps closer, careful to stay out of the way of men
running around and the large hoses that they dragged
from the truck. Carl's mind was working hard as he
thought about the fire, how to fight it and the dangers
inside.

He stopped, his blood running cold as a thought

crossed his mind. Seeing the new captain, he hurried
over to him. He knew he was out of line, but he needed

to stop them if his thinking was right.

"Mitch, what is in there? What are we up against?"

Carl watched the flames, trying to judge what was
burning by the intensity and color.

"It's the feed store. We have bags of feed." Mitch

looked stressed. This was his first major call as chief
and he clearly was not used to dealing with a fire this
big.

Carl didn't blame him. A fire this size, and at a

location like this, was much more than most of them
ever dealt with. However, Carl knew from the past, and
if his hunch was right, they were in big trouble.

"Fertilizers? Propane? Gas?" Carl's voice came

out harsher than he wanted it to, but if Mitch had failed
to realize what they were dealing with, they were all in a
heap load of trouble.

"Yeah sure, that would all be there. The tractor

shop is in the back, I'm sure there is fuel out there."
Mitch paled as he realized what he said. "Fuck!"

"Get the guys out of there now. Sound the alarm.

Tell them to pull out NOW!"

Mitch wasted no time, calling on his radio and

running for the truck to sound the siren on the fire
engine for the men to pull out. Carl watched as men ran,
reacting quickly to the warning. Smoke billowed black
from the roof and the sound of something toward the
back of the building collapsing echoed through the air.
Carl's gut tightened. Not knowing what was inside, he
had no way of knowing how big a possible explosion
could be.

Mitch was back at his side. "I fucked up, I should

have thought… I was so focused on the flames I didn't
even think!" He glanced back at the building.

Carl didn't have time to waste making the man feel

better. It was a rookie mistake. One that Mitch should
have never made now being captain. There wasn't
anything they could do about it right now other than try
and make sure everyone got out safe. "Where is the
owner? We need to know what is in there. Right now,
we need those cops to get people back. If this place
goes, it's not going to be pretty."

Mitch frowned. "I talked to the owner's wife, but

she wasn't much help. I had dispatch try to reach one of
the longtime employees but he isn't answering either. It's

why the guys rushed in. We didn't know if there where
employees and other civilians inside."

Carl's nose burned from the smoke and the heat

from the flames warmed him even though he stood a
good distance from the fire. As other firefighters
returned, Carl frowned as he eyed each of his co-
workers.

"Where's Jim?" He looked at the few gathered,

waiting for further instructions now that they pulled out.

They all stared at him, blankly.
"Where is Jim? Is anyone else missing?"
One of the younger firefighters walked closer as

he spoke. "Jim was in the back corner last I saw him.
He thought he heard something. Brad was with him, but
then we got the call to pull out. I thought they were right
behind me. Mark isn't out either. I don't know where he
is."

Fear clutched his body like a glove. He couldn't

go through this again. He would not go through this
again.

"Give me your coat!" He turned to the firefighter

closest to him.

When the man just stared at him, Carl grabbed his

arm and started to unbutton the coat from him. "Give it
to me, now!"

Finally, the man unlatched the front of the coat and

shrugged the heavy weight from his shoulders. Carl
didn't waste a second as he grabbed the hat off another
firefighter and ran for the building.

"Carl, stop! You can't go in there! Carl! Carl! I

command you to stop now, it's too…"

The sound of Mitch's voice yelling after him faded

as he pushed his way through the door. Heat hit him like
a brick wall, forcing him to stop for a moment to brace
himself for the smoke and flames that surrounded him. It
was worse inside than he expected, flames climbed
every wall and were starting to move to the roof. It was
pointless to yell. No one would be able to hear him
through the sound of flames and burning material that
dropped around him.

He wrapped the coat tighter around him, wishing

he had grabbed a mask. The biggest threat to him
would be smoke, but he didn't have time to go back out
and get the proper gear. He made his way to the back

corner the other firefighter claimed Jim had been. He
refused to think what could happen. He refused to
remember what did happen ten years ago to the only
other man he loved.

Smoke burned his eyes and he squinted into the

shadows cast by the flames while trying to place
himself. Pallets of items burned, feeding the fire and
keeping it hot. This would probably be the last fire he
fought, he would go down like so many others before
him, but the thought of living without Jim was as good
as a death sentence to him anyway. He had to find Jim
or he would die trying.

Staying in the small path between the rows of

pallets and feed, Carl made his way farther into the
building. He evaluated his surrounding with each step,
weighing out his options and directions with the dangers
around him. Embers and flames fell from above him,
hitting his coat and falling to the ground at his feet. His
shoes would become an issue soon if he wasn't careful,
the cheap rubber soles could easily melt in heat like this.

Carl was a fool for running in the building. He

would kill another firefighter for doing the exact same

thing he was now doing. At the moment, the last thing
he cared about were the rules and regulations. He
needed to find Jim. and that was the only thing he cared
about. He watched for the others who were missing,
but his main focus was Jim.

The smoke grew thicker and fire hotter as he

neared the back. He figured this must be where the fire
originated. Carl wiped the sweat from his brow as
droplets fell from his forehead, stinging his eyes. He
tried to make out his surroundings.

"Jim?" He yelled, hardly able to hear his own voice

in the noise. "Jim, are you here?"

Part of the roof had caved in near the back corner

of the store. He made his way that direction, pulled
more by his gut than his mind. Boards and roofing
material burned, dropping from the ceiling around him,
and if he wanted to live, he had just minutes to get out,
if even that long. Using the arm of his jacket, careful to
keep his bare hands covered in the sleeves, he pushed
several smoldering bags of feed to the side trying to
clear a path.

Movement caught his eye to the left of him causing

him to turn, his heart stopping for a moment at the sight
of a yellow jacket barely visible under a pile of roofing.
He couldn't make out the person, but he would know
that yellow firefighter's jacket anywhere. Rushing over,
he breathed a sigh of relief, seeing the hand move, trying
to force one of the large beams from his body but
unable to get a grip.

"It's okay, I got ya." He knelt down, and glanced

up at the roof at the same time, making sure he wasn't in
danger of a larger collapse.

"Carl." The faint sound of Jim's voice reached right

into his soul, sending chills up his spine.

"Jim, I'm here. Let's get you out." He tried not to

show the panic as he tried to figure out how to move
the smoldering wood and debris from on top of him.
"Let me get this shit off you, and then we can go home."

"No, get out, place is going to…" Jim's weak

voice had Carl fearing what he might find when he
finally freed him.

"No, I won't leave you. We are in this together.

We are both getting out." Carl used his bare hands to
start moving the beam that pinned Jim to the floor.

"Love you."
Tears mixed with the sweat that fell from Carl's

face hearing those words. The tone was more than a
simple declaration. It was a goodbye. "I love you. Now
stop and let me get you out. I won't let you die on me."

His hands burned, blistering quickly as he forced

the large beam harder. He stood and used his hip to
push it inch by inch farther off Jim's body. The noise of
the roof caving in even more, sounded from behind him,
and he prayed he would still have a way out once he
freed Jim.

Jim screamed as the board finally fell away. The

scream told Carl all he needed to know. Jim was hurt
and he would have to be careful he didn't do any more
damage while getting him out of the building.

"It's going to hurt, love, but I don't have a choice.

We have to get out of here before it blows." He
reached down, pulling on Jim's arms with his burned
hands ignoring the pain and the skin that broke open
into raw wounds over his fingers. Debris fell from on
top of Jim as Carl slid him out from under the pile. The
look of agony and pain on his face tore at Carl's heart,

but he didn't have any other options right now.

"Where are you hurt?" Carl reached down, trying

to see Jim's body through the smoky clouds that
surrounded them.

"Chest, my chest, crushed," Jim whispered.
Carl frowned, knowing that probably meant some

internal damage. "Okay, love. I can't waste time being
gentle. I'm going to pick you up and try to protect you
as best as I can while we get out of here."

Jim nodded, meeting Carl's stare with his own.

"So sorry. I love you."

"Don't be sorry. We are getting out of here. Going

to get you help. I love you." Carl slid his hands under
Jim and lifted, groaning under the weight but letting his
love and adrenalin aid him as he picked Jim up and
slung him over his shoulder.

"Okay, here we go." Carl turned, looking back at

the path he'd taken to get to Jim. It would be a miracle
to make it through, but the risk of being burned to death
or caught in an explosion was too high not to try.

Jim's weight slowed him as he pushed through the

flames and falling pieces of roof, but Carl refused to

stop. His face burned, lungs ached, and his hands hurt
so bad it was all he could do to keep his grip on Jim,
but he pushed it all to the back of his head as he made
his way to the door.

A large explosion shook the building, and for a

moment, Carl thought they were dead. He heard more
of the roof fall, heard the hiss of the fire taunting him
becoming louder. He didn't dare spare the time to look
behind them, keeping his focus forward as he pushed
broken boards and burning debris from his path.

His muscles hurt with every step, and he nearly

stumbled as Jim went limp. Carl cursed, thinking the
worst, but he couldn't stop. It was a matter of seconds
between life and death.

Flames licked at his feet, as his steps became

more struggled. Keeping his gaze forward, he found the
door, smoke and flames flowing out of it and into the
parking lot around them. A few more steps and they
would be free of the fire. Carl coughed, his lungs
burning nearly as bad as his hands felt. Stumbling the
last twenty feet, it was sure will to survive that kept Carl
upright. He wanted to close his eyes, sleep, and let the

pain that racked his body disappear. The only thing that
pushed him forward, through the smoke and flames was
the man he held in his arms. He wouldn't fail him.

His hand grasped the doorframe, his palm sticking

to the wood as it seared on the burning embers, but he
felt no pain. Pulling his hand free, he stepped out into
the open air, gulping and gasping, trying to find fresh air
to breath but still only inhaling smoke. His legs kept
moving own their own accord, his body working on
pure adrenalin. He glanced up to see the other
firefighters running toward him, breathing a sigh of relief
just as the building ten feet behind him exploded.

EPILOGUE

The graveside service started at eleven, and he

was cutting it close. His body still ached and with his
hands wrapped in gauze, even the most basic daily
functions became a chore. Ninety percent of his hands
suffered severe burns. He was fortunate to have use of
them at all. He rubbed a gauzed fist over his ear, still
struggling with hearing loss from the explosion.

Carl glared at his reflection in the mirror, and left

his tie hanging loose around his neck. There was no
way he was going to get it tied with his hands wrapped
the way they were. Several bruises and lacerations
marred his face and he turned from the mirror not
wanting the memory of the explosion. Not that he
recalled much after the initial blow. The force of it threw
Jim from his arms a moment before he did a face plant
into the concrete and blacked out, only to wake up in
the hospital hours later.

Turning at the faint sound of the doorbell, Carl

made his way to the door, opening it and giving a nod
to Mitch.

"Thanks for the ride. I would never manage my

car with these paws." Carl held up his hands.

"No problem, it's the least I can do for you. If it

wasn't for you, we would have lost a lot more men."
Mitch lowered his gaze.

"Yeah, well, I couldn't save them all, could I?"

Carl cringed at the sound of his own voice. "Sorry, I
didn't mean that to come out so harsh."

"No, it's okay. You're right. We didn't save

everyone, and it was my call that got them killed."

Carl lifted one of his hands and laid it on Mitch's

shoulder. "It was no one's fault. We didn't know what
we were dealing with."

"Doesn't matter. I should have known. If you

hadn't showed up…" Mitch shook his head, still looking
at his shoes.

Carl knew what Mitch felt. He struggled trying not

to beat himself up the same way. "We better go. But do
you think you might help me with my tie first?"

"Yeah sure." Mitch stepped closer, his hands

going to work on the tie around Carl's neck then
tucking it under the collar. "How you feeling? Pain
bad?"

"Could be worse." Carl wasn't in the mood to talk

about pain, physical or emotional. Today was going to
be hard enough to get through. "Thanks." Carl struggled
to grab his house keys, finally succeeding and handing
them to Mitch. "Do you mind locking it?"

Mitch stepped outside, waited for Carl to step

around him, then turned the lock on the door for him,
and shut it.

"Thanks again. I can't wait to get these off." He

held up his bandaged hands.

Mitch nodded silently as they made their way

toward the car. They didn't need words to convey the
hurt and guilt they both felt.

The drive to the cemetery seemed to last forever

as Carl stared out the window, thinking how many times
he'd been through this. Any loss of a firefighter hurt, but
when it was your own crew, it cut a hell of a lot deeper.

Pulling into an assigned parking spot, they stepped

out of the car, all too aware of the crowd's attention
turning toward them. The rest of the crew would arrive
with the engine and the casket shortly, but both Mitch
and Carl refused. Carl was still too sore and injured,
and he assumed it was Mitch’s own guilt that kept him
from arriving with the rest of the crew ..

Carl took his position near the grave, next to the

family of one of the fallen firefighters. He met each one's
stare, keeping his face solemn, knowing the pain they
felt. It was a pain he'd relived many times over the last
week and nothing he could say would help them
through it.

Feeling a hand caress the back of his leg, he

turned, smiling as the wheelchair settled in the spot
beside him. Even through the pain of where they were,
the happiness he felt at seeing Jim at his side was almost
overwhelming.

"I thought they were keeping you a couple more

days?" Carl knelt beside the chair, placing his thick
gauze covered hand on Jim's knee. He tried not to think
how close they had both come to dying. The minor
injuries they suffered were nothing compared to what

could have happened. A dislocated hip, several broken
ribs, smoke inhalation, and several burns were all that
Jim sustained. It could have been much worse.

Jim placed his hand over Carl's. "I wanted to be

here for the graveside. I finally convinced them that I
would be in good hands and with someone who had
medical training. Of course that's only if you don't mind
me staying with you." The corners of Jim's mouth turned
up in a teasing smile.

Leaning towards him, Carl brushed his lips over

Jim's, wrapping his arms around him not caring who
was watching them. "I will be happy to help you move,
or maybe you can help me." He gave a small shrug. "I
don't care where we live."

"Move?" Jim's eyes went wide.
Carl nodded, "I don't want a moment apart. I

came too close to losing you. If you will have me, I'd
like to sign on for something a bit more long-term."

"Forever sound good enough?" Jim cupped his

palm over Carl's cheek.

"Forever sounds just about right."

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Emma Marie Leya lives in Salt Lake City, Utah

with her daughter, two dogs, a cat, and two birds.
When she isn't writing she is an avid swimmer with a
passion for the mountains. She can often be found
playing outdoors. You can always contact her at

Emma

Marie Leya

on facebook.

OTHER BOOKS BY E.M. LEYA

Love Plus One

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Epilogue
About the Author
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS