THE WRONG BAR This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But "what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" SEX PILLS One day in a doctor's office, "Doc, me and my husband haven't been having good sex lately. What should I do?" asked a mother of a daughter and son. "Well, here. These are sex pills. Slip one into your husbands coffee every morning and you'll have great sex." He replied. She took the pills and went home. The next morning she put one of the pills into her husband's coffee. That night they had great sex. The next day, she figured it be even better if she put two in, so she did. They had even better sex all night long. The next day, she said "Oh what the hell," and dumped the whole bottle into her husband's coffee. The next day the doctor came to the house to see how the pills were working and he saw a little boy sitting on the front steps crying. "What's the matter, little boy?" The doctor asked. "Well," the boy replied. "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my bung-hole hurts and my dad's running around the house saying 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.'" BUTTERY CORN One day, two men were walking through an old town. "Man, I'm hungry," one said. "Yeah, me too." the other replied. Then they smelled the most wonderful smell in the world, freshly baked apple pies. Two of them. Sitting on a window sill to cool. "Hey, lets go ask if we can have those pies." the first one said and they ran to the front door. They knocked politely. "Yes?" a middle-aged woman asked as she opened the door. "Ma'am, those pies smell mighty tatsety, can we have them?" The first man asked. "Why sure! You came in here and I'll give to ya." she replied pointing two the second man. He walked in gingerly. After the door was closed she said, "Come with me." He followed her into her bedroom. She laid down and undressed and said "To get them pies, you hafta screw me." And she shut her eyes. The man looked down at her greasy nasty pubes. "Yuck," he thought, "I ain't stickin' my tinky-winky in there." He looked out the window and saw a stalk of corn. He pulled one off and shoved it into her and pulled it out. He quickly threw the corn out the window while she screamed. "Oh! Yes! Do me again!" He grabbed another ear of corn and shoved it into her. Again he pulled it out quickly and threw it out the window. "One more time baby," she yelled. "for the second pie." Agian he took another ear of corn, shoved it into her, pulled it out and threw it out the window. AS they walked to the front door she handed him the pies and he walked out. "Look bud, she gave us both the pies!" "That's cool, dude. Hey why don't we ask her for some more of that buttery corn I found by the window." NUN IN TRAINING Two nuns were riding a two person bike down a road. The head nun was in the front and the nun in training was in the back. When they went over a bump, the first nun heard the nun in training moan. "Are you okay?" asked the head nun. "Fine." And they continued. Then they went over another bump and the nun in training moaned again. "Are you sure you're okay? Is there a problem with your seat?" And the nun in training replied; "What seat?" CHANGE YOUR ADDITUDE The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right fromthe start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude." 25 YEARS LATER A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." GOBLINS One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me," says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" SPECIMEN CUP There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. SPERM BANK A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples!!" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." GETTING HERPES This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts fucking her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" THE FOURS KINDS OF SEX: HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. A TIGHT PUSSY This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!". PUSH-UPS A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!" EATING GRASS A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" STILL A VIRGIN A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" TONIGHT John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!" BLIND MAN A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit hous" DON'T CURSE AROUND YO MOMMA A boy and his little brother are 11 and 7, respectively. One day, they decide to starting cursing like adults. The older boy decides he's going to say hell and the little boy, shit. They both go downstairs for breakfast and their mom asks, "What do you want for breakfast?" The older boy says "Aw, shit, ma can I have some cheerios?" His mom smacks him across the face and he runs off crying. Then she asks the little boy what he wants for breakfast and he says, "I don't know but it sure as hell won't be cheerios." CHINATOWN Ok so this man was walking through China-town and he realized he had to take a shit real bad, so he walked into this Chinese restaurant and went back to the restrooms. He sat down on the toilet and took a shit, afterwards he went to get some toilet paper but there was no more left, all there was, was a sign that read "There is no more toilet paper, but if you wipe your ass with your finger and then stick it through this hole then it will be cleaned by human lips, thank you and have a nice day" so the guy was like "EW that is so gross, but I can't go around China-town with shit in my pants" so he wiped his ass with his finger and stuck it through the hole, and on the other side there was a Chinese man with two cinderblocks and every time someone stuck there finger in the hole he would smash their finger between the two blocks. So when the man stuck his finger through the hole the Chinese man smashed his finger and the man reacted by pulling his finger out of the hole and was like OW OW OW OW OW (while he stuck the finger in his mouth). SUPER-HORNY SUPERHEROS One day, Superman was flying around. He hadn't seen Lois in a long time so he was really horny. And then he saw Wonderwoman on top of a building legs spread and everything. Superman thought, "I could fly over there and bang the hell out her and then fly away." Then he thought, "nah, I can't do that. It wouldn't be right." But being as horny as he was he thought, "of course I could! I'm Superman!" So he flew over there, banged the hell out of Wonderwoman and then flew away. Superwoman said, "What the hell was that?!" And the Invisible Man said, "I don't know but my ass fucking hurts like hell!" HEADACHE The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" Maureen asks. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the martian. Discussion ensues and finally after the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experiance one another. Maureen and the male martian go off to a bedroom where the male martian strips. He's only got a teeny, tiny, weeny member -- about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work." says Maureen. "Why?" he asks "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies. "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," She says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow..." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into the bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin theor normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, how was it?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache, She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." THIS SUCKS A girl asks her boy friend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go and have sex for the first time.Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in " The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." STUCK A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." THAT'S A BIG WANGER!! A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day". ZORBA THE... Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees. After the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? No." The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The tourists comment on the beauty of the village. Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NO." The couple again looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes,they pass a small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats. "You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call me Zorba the boat-builder? NO!!" The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife. The guide looks at them and says, "Oh, but you fuck one donkey..." TITY SUCKER!! There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice,she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah,"he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?" BASTARD!!! One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this." Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a $50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, third door on the right" comes the reply as the $50 vanishes. Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries."No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another $50 appears. "Ah, last door on the left..." he is told. Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string(thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?" "Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the baby sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!" A FORE TELLING SON There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch." SNORING NAVY GUYS... By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK We've all heard the phrase "you learn something new everyday." Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day." HANDYMEN Husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He look at her and replies angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damned carpenter and I won't fix the damn steps" He says. "Does it look like I have ACE Hardware printed on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed, too. "Honey, how'd you get all this fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I just sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice, young man walked up and asked what was wrong and I told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was sleep with him or bake a cake." he said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied "Helllooo...do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" SEX EDUCATION Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. " 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. "I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin' all out of breath. "His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. "I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyways, he grabbed to keep it from getting away. And when sis saw it, she got really scared--her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! "Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. "Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. "By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. This time, I knew it was dead for sure because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet." FOR FIVE BUCKS A man is walking in New York City with his wife. They find a perfume shop, his wife goes in, as he waits outside. A hooker comes up to him and askes "Would you like to come home with me, buddy?" "For how much?" askes the man. "100 dollars," the hooker answers. "I'll give you five bucks." the man replies. The hooker swears and walks away. A little later his wife comes out of the store and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there's the hooker. She takes one looks at the man and his wife and she says, "HA! See what you get for five bucks!" MY LYING WIFE "That wife of mine is a liar." says a man to his sympathatic pal at a local bar. How do you know?" askes his friend. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she was, she said she spent the night with her sister Shirley." he replied. "So how do you know she was lying?" "I spent the night with her sister Shirley last night." BAKING CAKES One day, a mom and her son were at the zoo and they saw two monkeys fucking. The son asked "What are they doing mommy?" Her son being only 6 years old, she didn't want to give him "the talk" just yet. So she said, "Oh, they're baking cakes." Later that night, the son couldn't sleep so he came in his parents' room while they were fucking. He asked what they were doing and they said "Oh, we just baking cakes." That weekend, the son says to his mom "I think sissy was baking cakes with her boyfriend." And trying to remain calm the mom said, "Why would you think that?" and the son said, "oh, when they were done, I went and licked the icing off the couch." YET ANOTHER GENIE JOKE One day in the forest a bear and rabbit were not having such a good day. Suddenly a genie appears and says he can grant them both three wishes. The bear wishes, "I want all the bears on this side of the forest to be female so I'll get a lot of sex." His wish is granted. The rabbit says, "I want a motorcycle." Then the bear wishes, "I wish every bear on the other side of the forest is female, so I'll get more sex." His was granted. The genie goes to rabbit now and the rabbit says, "I wish for helmet." His wish is granted. The genie asks the bear for his third wish and the bear says, "I wish every bear in the world is female!" His wish was granted. Finally, the genie goes to the rabbit and he asks for his third wish. The rabbit puts on his helmet and revs up his motorcycle and says, "I wish the bear was gay," and zooms off. His wish was granted.