Tish
and Pish
How to be of a
Speakingness Like
Stephen Fry
a delicious collection of sumptuous gorgeosities
by Stewart Ferris
summer sdal e
summer sdal e
summer sdal e
summer sdal e
summer sdal e
TISH AND PISH
Copyright © Stewart Ferris 2005
All rights reserved.
The right of Stewart Ferris to be identified as the author of
this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77
and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Condition of Sale
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not,
by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or
otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other
than that in which it is published and without a similar
condition including this condition being imposed on the
subsequent publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1RP
UK
www.summersdale.com
ISBN 1 84024 466 6
Printed and bound in Great Britain.
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for Stephen Fry
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Stewart Ferris is the author of more than twenty books,
including How to be a Writer and The Little Book of Flirting.
He has penned several feature film screenplays and his
television scriptwriting includes a series of the children s
animation Pokémon. He has performed stand-up comedy
at the Edinburgh Fringe and appears regularly on
television and radio as an expert on writing and flirting.
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CONTENTS
Introduction ................................................................. 7
Basic phrases ................................................................ 8
Greetings ...................................................................... 9
Expressions of displeasure ........................................ 10
The weather ............................................................... 11
Pedantry ..................................................................... 12
Etiquette ..................................................................... 18
In the bathroom ......................................................... 22
On the phone............................................................. 25
Eating out ................................................................... 28
At the doctor s ........................................................... 32
At the dentist s ........................................................... 33
At the Post Office ...................................................... 37
At the cinema ............................................................. 40
At the supermarket .................................................... 42
The arts ...................................................................... 45
Buying a car ............................................................... 49
Purchasing electronics............................................... 52
Computers ................................................................. 55
Pop music................................................................... 57
Classical music........................................................... 61
Celebrity parties......................................................... 65
Flirtatious phrases...................................................... 66
Telling jokes ............................................................... 69
On campus................................................................. 72
Employment .............................................................. 75
Filmmaking ................................................................ 79
At Wimbledon............................................................ 83
Football ...................................................................... 87
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Pets ............................................................................. 91
Clichés........................................................................ 94
Famous quotations .................................................... 97
Travelling.................................................................... 99
Holidays ................................................................... 102
At the beach ............................................................. 106
In New York ............................................................ 112
Current affairs ......................................................... 116
Finance ..................................................................... 119
Religion .................................................................... 120
Politics ...................................................................... 121
Law and order .......................................................... 123
Age ............................................................................ 127
TISH AND PISH: HOW TO BE OF A SPEAKINGNESS LIKE STEPHEN FRY
6
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INTRODUCTION
his book is not about Stephen Fry. It is about taking his
Tdelightful way of using the English language and
applying it to phrases from everyday life in a parody of a
foreign language phrasebook.
These phrases are not intended to reflect the character of
Stephen Fry, nor should it be inferred that he has ever uttered
such phrases. Indeed, he may never wish to speak the word
arrangements presented in this book and his reputation as a
bright and articulate speaker may be all the more solid for
such abstemiousness.
The first version of each phrase is written in  normal English;
the second version represents a style of English that is
inspired by an overall perception of Stephen Fry s writings,
speech and acting roles.
English is a versatile language, so let s have some spankingly
good fun with it&
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BASIC PHRASES
Oh, well. Heigh-ho.
Anyway, so. Tinkerty-tonk.
Yes. Indeed may it be so.
No. I am entirely of a
disagreeingness.
Thank you. I am indebted and pleasured
by you in equal measure.
Please. Pleasure me.
Goodbye. Toodle-pip.
Pardon? There is too much fur
in my ear: would a
recapitulation be too
much of a supplication?
Excuse me. Discharge me from the
love muscle of blame into
the moist receptacle of
absolution.
Blimey. Tish and pish.
How are you? May I enquire as to whether
you are in receipt of a state
of bodily wellness?
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GREETINGS
Hello. Good hello.
What s up? What of an upwardsness is?
Oh no, not you Tish and pish, has the
again. restraining order already
expired?
Can I help you at Is there some manner in which
all? my acquired skills or the sum
total of my knowledge or even
the kinetic capabilities of my
muscular frame can assist you
as you journey through this
ticklish life?
Yo! Felicitations!
Pleased to meet you. I tingle in your presence.
Good evening. May the period of duskiness
titillate and fulfil you.
Hi, allow me to Greetings, pleasure me with
introduce myself. permission to present myself to
you for evaluation as a potential
friend, lover or colleague.
Happy holidays! Merry non-specific
ecclesiastical or secular
platitudes for the season.
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EXPRESSIONS OF DISPLEASURE
I disagree. Fiddlesticks and
humgudgeon.
Nonsense. Tummy rubbish.
Ouch! My previous state of
harmonious well-being
has been impaired by a
discomfiture resulting from
a curt but vexatious and
detrimental external
impact upon my tegument.
Oh no! It is impossible to express
within the constraints of
the English lexicon the
longitude, fathomage,
latitude and stature of my
dismay.
Idiots! Hare-brained
pithecanthropoids!
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10
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THE WEATHER
This isn t the rainy This is not the equinox
season. Britain is characterised by excessive
always like this. dampness, precipitation and
golfing umbrellas. Britannia
rules the waves because
she is thusly deluged in
perpetuum.
I hear that there s a If my headly appendages do
hosepipe ban because not deceive me, the rubber
it s only rained for calamus is under interdiction
three hundred and because we have only been in
twenty days this year. a moistened state for sixteen
score planetary revolutions
in the current solar
circumnavigation.
This kind of weather This genus of climactic
is called bracing. It s condition has a nomencla-
meant to be good for ture referring to its ability to
you. aid stiffness. Such fortifying
stimulation is said to be
spankingly beneficial
thereto.
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