Scientist in Law School








"A Scientist in Law School" or "How not to
Respond in Class"



The subject matter here at school is all so very new
And it comes in such great mountains that it's bound to frighten
you.
But on some closer scrutiny, the truth at last shines thru
It's not too unlike science and that's the topic I'll pursue.

But first we must accept the fact that life will be a rush
And the pressures in the classroom will doubtless make one blush:
Hands wave frantic, pens dry up, and with answers we all gush
Though we came here empty-headed, our skulls are full of mush.

But the reason for this meter is to give you some insight
To the problems of a science mind and it's law school plight
With open mind and ready will I study every night
The issues seem so clear to me, though none have yet been right.

On our first day in Tort class, we studied battery,
But I had Physics once before, so it wasn't new to me.
On the premises of ill intent, the learned prof enlarged
"But first," said she, "it's necess'ry for a
battery to be charged."

I raised my hand and caught her eye, my answer to unload
And proceeded to inform her of the cath - and the anode
"For battery to properly be charge you need two poles."
When she heard this, she winced toward me, and from her seat
arose.

"In my class objectivity is the format for response
There's no need for ethnicity and no one in here wants
To hear slurs like you've made, my friend, which take such heavy
tolls;
So discuss the charge of battery, but eliminate the Poles."

I got confused and my dumbfounded look gave me away
So I sat down, regrouped my thought, her portents to obey.
That class was done and I'd began to hold this place in awe
But looked forward to my next class, in Criminal Law.

We soon were underway in class, (that sounds so maritime
But after 8 years in the Navy, with me that word is prime!).
The topics moved both to and fro, seeming without rhyme
Till finally we zeroed in on the "Elements of Crime."

Again I feel so fortunate, 'cause on this I was well-versed
of all the subjects I adored, Chemistry came first
Elements are used for things, of which crime's not the least
So again I raised my hand with joy their knowledge to increase.

"Plutonium," I uttered first, "was bound to
head the list;
And of poisoning by arsenic too many crimes consist;
Lead's been used, and strontium, and surely mercury...
I could go on and on," I said, "but that's enough from
me!"

So others had discussion after I had had my say
And though the topic changed real quick, they shan't lead me
astray.
"The Act, Intent, and End Result" have no bearing on
this topic,
For these elements cannot be found on the table, periodic.

They condescend, they disagree, they think they are so smart;
They're too anxious to unload their thoughts, dumb answers to
impart.
But they can't phase me nor discourage, though they think I'm
dumber
Because I've been to Guam's jungles, and I hear a different
drummer.

To prisoners' rights the topic changed and I knew it would be
boring,
"Go...get back to medicine," my conscience was
imploring.
But then the prof said, "Gentlemen, this topic...it compels
This class to discuss criminals and the sizes of their
cells."

"Biology, biology," I shouted under breath
At last here's something to detain my academic death:
"Though sizes vary," I announced, "it's well
within my ken
That an 87 MCV is average among men."

"What's this you speak of, learned gent?" he
proceeded to query me...
"Relate to us this concept of what you call MCV."
"The size of cells in microns cubed or femtoliters too,
But it's all determined by chromosomes, and not be me or
you!"

"Your theory sounds good I confess, but carries no weight
here
because chromosomes can't make the law, it's just not their
career."
So of yards, and cubic yards and even square yards the topic
passed
I fell asleep, the bell rang loud, and I was off to my last
class.

How to measure evidence and how to give it weight
Seemed plain to me, you must agree, not worth of debate.
"A spring, a needle, and standard weights, perhaps in grams
or pounds
And set it in place where it can rest on solid grounds."

"JCAH, AABB, and even CAP
Require NBS be used to confer accuracy.
There's nothing else that one should need in order to construe
That the Scales of Justice we employ weigh evidence most
true."

The answer seemed to me quite good, but still they filed
complaint
In criticizing my first day hey mustered no restraint...
"This guy's a dope, he's in left field, his answers all are
weird;
He might be bright but then he might to law not quite be
geared."

Of benefit of doubt I had not even a small part
But to leave this school and not come back would surely break my
heart
So under contract I agreed to change my frame of view
To law I must commit myself, and science I must eschew.

I'm thankful for the chance they gave and anxious to succeed;
Progress may be difficult but class I won't impede.
I zip my lip, sit on my hand, and answers I don't give
Importance comes in shutting up and hopefully to live.

The things they all make difficult seem very clear to me
"Let them debate, they think it's great," I mumble
silently.
For a scientist in law school, the problems are immense,
And not the least of which, my friends, is learning
SELF-DEFENSE! 

My uncle is now a lawyer in Franklin County, and president of
the Franklin County Bar Association.



Jeff Nesbitt ([e-mail])