New Title 4 @page { margin-bottom: 5.000000pt; margin-top: 5.000000pt; } Cover Artist: Jodi Lee-Library of Horror PressPublished by arrangement with the author.The Apocalypse Shift By Derek J. GoodmanCopyright 2009 All Rights Reserved ISBN10 - 1448672430 ISBN13 - 9781448672431Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and Library of Horror Press , except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events, and situation are the product of the author s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living, dead or undead, or historical events, is purely coincidence.From The PublisherI was fortunate enough to meet Derek J. Goodman (aka NapalmChicken don t ask) on the Library of the Living Dead Forum . What started as a forum for the podcast evolved into a forum for writers. And yes indeed, Derek is a writer! I was publishing zombie novels under the Library of the Living Dead Press imprint and non-zombie horror under the Library of Horror Press imprint. Derek wondered if perhaps I d be interested in a comedy of horrors type novel. And I was. And here it is. And it will knock your brains out. Comedy and horror make for a wondrous combination, if they re done properly. Some of my favorite movies are comedy/horror movies. Dead/Alive , Evil Dead 1 & 2, Army of Darkness , Bad Taste and Shaun of the Dead . Then of course there are the classics like Comedy of Terrors with Vincent Price, Boris Karloff and Peter Lorre. Which by the way was written by my favorite author Richard Matheson. But I digress. It s hard to pull off the combination. Hard as hell actually. A lot of times the book or movie isn t either horror OR comedy it s just smarmy. You won t have to worry about that with Derek s The Apocalypse Shift . It s hilarious horror and creepy comedy. You re in for one helluva treat. Undead love to all, DocChapter 1 People called that section of the city the Hill. During the day it was just a large neighborhood with shops and industries that catered to the alternative sets, and it more-or-less thrived. But at night the neighborhood changed. Every resident of the Hill knew it, even if they only registered it in the primitive chimpanzee part of their brains. The sun set and all doors got locked, all blinds were closed, and religious symbols were hung in conspicuous places. Those who went out after sundown were heavily armed and fleet-footed, going about their business before the things in the night knew there was something out there to catch. At night on the Hill insanity gained physical form. At the center of the Hill, though, there was a place of refuge, a place of safety. Those who watched over it had to be stout of heart and true of spirit. They were the bane of the night things and the heroes of humanity. Except, of course, for the one who was screaming like a little girl. Eeee! Lucas dropped his sword and crouched with his hands on top of his head in a semi-fetal position as another arrow of flame spewed over his head and crashed against the brick outer wall of the OneStop Mart.Idiot! Pick up your fucking sword! Caleb screamed at him. We need all three! He was barely able to get the words out of his mouth before the creature once again swooped down out of the darkness, sucking enormous amounts of air into its lungs as it prepared to attack with another volley of napalm breath. The prophecy had called it a creature of fearsome strangeness, but Caleb didn t think it that strange at all. Sure, other clerks on the night shift at other convenience stores might have to look twice at a giant fire-breathing bat-winged armadillo, but to Caleb it was just another night at work.Caleb waited until he could see flames forming at the corner of the creature s lips, then ducked and rolled. The fire scorched the place where his head would have been and the creature, trying to adjust its trajectory at the last moment, flew lower than it should have. Hoping that the thing s anatomy was similar to a normal mammal s, Caleb thrust his sword up between the bony armor plates on its chest where the heart should be. The armadillo-thing screeched and almost fell out of the air before it regained some altitude, the sword still sticking out of its chest and blue-black blood leaking from its wound. Caleb gave a primitive war-whoop. That had to have been a heart-shot. Now they just needed to get a sword into each of the other two.Phil, the third clerk on duty tonight, whistled at the thing, and Armadillozilla turned sharply in the air, searching for the source of the noise. It had to be colorblind, since it apparently couldn t see the tall African-American man in a bright blue OneStop smock standing right beneath it.Try waving your arms! Caleb yelled, but he turned away before he saw if Phil took his advice. Phil had been working at the OneStop Mart for six months now and had proven himself capable on more than one occasion. Now Lucas, howeverCaleb stalked over to where Lucas was cowering near the store s glass front door. The acrid scent Caleb smelled as he got closer was enough to tell Caleb that Lucas had wet his pants.Lucas, Caleb said. Lucas responded only by staring into space. Caleb snapped his fingers and Lucas finally looked at him, his expression dull and stunned.Lucas, what did I tell you before? Caleb tried to keep his fury from coming out in his tone. This was something he was never able to get used to, despite having worked the graveyard shift- or the Apocalypse Shift, to those in the know- at OneStop for over two and a half years. The employees always freaked for the first two days. It was understandable, Caleb guessed. He d been weirded out in his first few days, too. And even now that the manager had some understanding of what went on after hours at her store she still couldn t exactly mention it in the wantads.OneStop Mart seeking full-time employee for third shift. $8 an hour starting. Experience fighting brain-sucking zombies and ancient evil demigods is a plus. Apply at the 13th and Pearl location. No, as long as the larger world continued thinking such things didn t really happen it just couldn t work like that.The armadillo screeched from somewhere behind Caleb, but he didn t turn to look. Lucas jumped at the noise, but at least he was starting to stand back up. Answer me, dude, Caleb said. What did I tell you? You said this job wouldn t be like anything I had ever done before. And it s not. I gave you a chance to walk right on back out the door as soon as I came in tonight. I told you things happened around here that might just scare the piss out of you. Lucas gestured down at himself. But I didn t think you meant literally! I thought there might be the occasional robbery. Caleb sighed at that. Sometimes he would lull himself to sleep at night with pleasant thoughts of the OneStop only getting robbed for a change. There was another screech followed by something that might have been a cry of pain from the armadillo. Lucas tried to look around Caleb to the noise, but Caleb snapped his fingers in the newbie s face. Uh-uh. Eyes on me. But that thing could be about to kill Phil! Exactly. It could be. And it could be that the only thing that might have been able to save him was if you had held on to your sword and did what the prophecy said! Prophecies are key around here. Nothing is more important to a convenience store than prophecies. Lucas cocked his head at him. Caleb shrugged. Okay, maybe not most convenience stores. But you get my meaning. There was the sound of glass breaking somewhere behind Caleb, followed by a pained comment from Phil. Son of a ! That s going to leave a mark! Now you ready to do this or not, kid? Caleb asked. No. Tough shit. Caleb finally turned around. For what was a relatively small parking lot, there certainly seemed to be more than enough space for an epic battle. Phil was trying to crawl back through the window of the crack house next door that he had been flung through, probably by a wayward flick from the armadillo s tale. The armadillo was going back up into the sky and looked like it was preparing for another fire-breath strafing run, but at least Phil had managed to jab his sword into what was hopefully the creature s second heart. Go grab your sword, Caleb said to Lucas. I ll try to distract it. Caleb turned to run back into the store, but Lucas grabbed him by the shoulder. Hey, don t leave me out here! Don t worry, Caleb said. I know what I m doing. Phil snorted at that as he fell out the window and onto the parking lot asphalt. Screw you, Phil, Caleb said. I ve got an idea. Really. It only took Caleb a few seconds to grab what he needed off the shelves and come back out. The creature was on its way down again, but at least Lucas had managed to get his sword back and stood in the center of the parking lot, holding it up to the oncoming beast in a poor imitation of bravery. Phil limped up to Caleb, and Caleb gave him a quick onceover. Phil s arm was kind of cut up, but he didn t look like he was bleeding that bad. You gonna be okay? Caleb asked. That s nothing. I ve had much worse while doing this goddamned job. Caleb raised an eyebrow. When? I don t remember anything worse than that. What, you got amnesia? What about last month when my soul got trapped in Hell? Oh, that. That doesn t count. Not technically an injury. Sure, tell that to my soul. It still has scabs from all that damned fire. I told you, there s no real fire in Hell. It s just a metaphor. And your soul can t scab. Real fire or not, it hurt like hell so don t tell me it doesn t count. It does. Fine, fine. It counts. AHHGGGH! Lucas screamed. Caleb turned back to him in time to see the armadillo fly past and over the store. The beast had gotten off another blast, and despite the fact that Lucas had been facing it head on he had somehow managed to catch the seat of his pants on fire. Doesn t count as much as that, Caleb said. Lucas, just stop, drop, and roll, dude! Lucas started to run around in circles. I M ON FIRE! I M ON FIIIIIRE! Caleb shook his head. I know you re on fire, just No! I fucking told you not to drop the sword! He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before turning back to Phil. Could you put him out please? Looks like I m the one who has to slay the armadillo. Yeah, sure, Phil said as he jogged to where Lucas was running around. Be careful, huh? Caleb waved a dismissive hand at him as he walked to where Lucas had dropped the sword. Whatever. Why start now, right? There was a loud thump, and although he couldn t quite see it from his current angle, he guessed that the armadillo had landed on the roof. He bent down so the sword would be within easy reach but he didn t grab it yet. Instead he unwrapped the package he had grabbed from inside, tossed the cellophane and cardboard aside, and held up the item in his hand so the armadillo might be able to get a whiff of it. Here, demon-armadillo-willo. Come to Caleb. Come and get the nice treat I have for you. You like Twinkies, right? For a moment there was no sound but Lucas s continued screams and Phil s frustrated attempts at getting the newbie to stop acting like a decapitated chicken. Caleb had to hold back a frustrated grunt. Sure, the manager knew full well that the night shift was nothing like the day shift. Sure, she knew that everyone on the Apocalypse Shift had important things to do during the course of the night. None of that changed the fact, though, that she would be pissed if they didn t manage to get rid of the demonarmadillo before it scared away the bar rush that would be starting soon. Caleb had told her that wouldn t happen as much if she just hired another person for the night crew. Now she had, and this stupid creature was trying to make a liar out of him. He almost thought to himself that it was enough to make him want to quit, but he quieted that idea in a hurry. If he was stupid enough to stay at this damned job this long, he was stupid enough to continue at it. Aw, come on, Caleb called. Everyone likes Twinkies. They re the eighth food group. Just come and get it already, stupid. Maybe he was operating on a false assumption, he thought. Maybe armadillos, or at least freakishly huge winged armadillos from Hell, didn t have enough of a sense of smell. No sooner did he think that, however, when the beast stuck its snout out over the edge of the roof. Its nose twitched in Caleb s direction, and he waved the Twinkie more vigorously. Yeah, that s right. You know you want some delicious extruded cake product. It s right there! He tossed it away from the store towards the far end of the parking lot. The nose twitched one last time, and then the armadillo launched itself over Caleb s head to shake the earth as it landed on the far side of the Twinkie. As the armadillo lumbered around to give the Twinkie a closer sniff Caleb quietly picked up the sword. He tip-toed towards the creature, all the while trying to figure out how he was going to get at the thing s heart from this angle. The armadillo grunted, and Caleb stopped as the thing pushed the Twinkie aside with its snout before cocking its head to stare at Caleb full on. Aw, you ve got to be kidding me! Caleb said. It s a freaking Twinkie! What s not to love? He gripped the sword handle harder and muttered to himself. Knew I should have grabbed a Ho-Ho instead. The armadillo started to beat its wings. With so much weight it didn t appear able to get airborne too quickly. Caleb rushed the creature before giving himself the time to wonder if he was just being stupid. He dodged out of the way as it blew a stream of fire, ran around its side, and jumped just as it started to come up off the ground. Its wings, thankfully, didn t have the same armor plating as the rest of the beast, and Caleb brought the sword down right where the wing joined the body. The armadillo screeched and dropped to the ground, falling lopsided as the remaining wing still beat at the air. Caleb tried to get out of the thing s way, but it bumped him and sent the sword spinning off to underneath the glowing OneStop sign at the edge of the parking lot. Caleb rolled out of the way just in time to avoid being crushed as the beast fell onto its side. Unfortunately, it rolled right between Caleb and the sword. How you doing over there? Phil called. Just fucking peaches and cream over here, Caleb yelled. I m getting too old for this. You re twenty-three, numbnuts! Caleb didn t have time for a comeback. The armadillo had managed to get back to its feet, and it huffed as it turned to face Caleb head on. I don t suppose sorry is gonna cut it at this point, huh? Caleb said to the armadillo. The creature responded by rearing up on its hind legs. Caleb hadn t even been aware armadillos could do that. Standing like that the thing was at least twenty feet high. The two other swords were still jabbed deep into its chest, but they didn t appear to be affecting it at all. It huffed a couple of times, and smoke and flames licked out from the edge of its mouth. It appeared to be taking deep breaths in anticipation of some particularly vicious round of fire breaths. There had been many times on this job when Caleb had idly wondered if he were about to die. Sometimes he had actually believed it would really happen. But never, in his whole two and a half years at OneStop, had he ever been embarrassed by the way he was about to go out. Death by armadillo, however, was embarrassing enough to actually make him blush. From somewhere behind him Caleb heard a twang, and the air beside his ear whistled as something flew past him. The armadillo had exposed more soft spots between its armored plates when it reared up, and a crossbow bolt buried itself in the creature s flesh to create a perfect line with the two swords down its center. The armadillo gave a whine like a kicked puppy, then teetered forward. Get out of the way! a female voice said from somewhere behind him. Even as he was rolling away from the falling monster Caleb had to smile. He knew that voice instantly. It had been too long since he had heard it. The parking lot shook and the windows of the OneStop rattled as the armadillo crashed to the ground. It gave one final burp of napalm breath and then stopped moving. The streets were quiet for several seconds, then a window on the top story of the crackhouse opened. A woman poked her head out and leveled a finger down at Caleb. Hey, keep it down out there. You re ruining my high! Sorry, Caleb called up. He stood from where he had been on the ground and turned to Phil. All good? Lucas was sniveling on the pavement where he had been rolling at Phil s feet. Despite his tears, Lucas didn t seem to be harmed. His pants were missing their backside, however, showing scorched SpongeBob Squarepants boxers underneath. Good as we re gonna get, Phil said. He turned to Caleb s rescuer. Good to see you, Gloria. It usually is, Gloria said, and Caleb finally turned to look at her. The twenty-one year old Hispanic woman had a crossbow in one hand. She wore skin-tight black jeans and a black leather jacket over a red halter top. A black cowboy hat was cocked forward on her head, and there was a makeshift necklace around her neck that looked like it was made of various sharp teeth. He would have whistled if he didn t think that would get her to put a bolt into his chest next. It was a far different look for her than when he had first met her and she too had been wearing the blue OneStop smock. I had it under control, Caleb said as he went to retrieve the sword. He tried to walk with a sort of cocky confidence, but it didn t work so well when he almost slipped and fell in the blood leaking from under the armadillo. Of course you did, Butcher. You always do. Caleb was about to say something snarky back, but he was interrupted by Lucas s moaning as Phil helped him up. I m not sure I like this job, Lucas said. Caleb smiled at Gloria, who smirked back. Trust me, newbie. You ll learn to love it.Chapter 2 Phil left Caleb and Gloria to bask in whatever sexual tension they were building outside and led Lucas back into the OneStop Mart. The pasty twentyyear old was still sniveling about his pants, so Phil figured there would probably be no more trying to explain all this to the kid until they covered up his backside.Are you sure I can t just go home quickly and get another pair of pants? Lucas asked. It wouldn t take more than half an hour, I swear.If we let you leave you probably won t be coming back. You and I need to have a talk about what just happened. But we have something in back to take care of your pants problem for now. We gotta make this quick, though. With that thing not trying to eat them, the customers will probably start showing up again any minute.The inside of the OneStop was typical of all OneStop stores throughout the country. Near the front door was the counter with two registers and an office and a back storage room behind it. The aisles contained all the normal junk food one would expect from such a place, and the cooler with all the cold beverages and such on the other side of the store. At first glance nothing about the store seemed particularly unusual. It had to be average, since most of the people, including some employees, who came here during the day were completely unaware of what happened around the store at night. Here and there, though, if someone knew where to look, evidence could be seen that this place wasn t quite right.Phil led Lucas around the counter and into the back room. There were sinks next to the bathroom, and the syrup boxes and CO2 container that led to the fountain drinks sat next to the mop sink. The problem with the mop sink, however, was that it was cracked down the middle and a gaping hole led down to an abyss in the earth. The crack was an unfortunate side effect of a customer s ill-fated attempt to raise the elder god Cthulhu before Phil had even started working here, and the manager still hadn t figured out how to fix it. How the manager explained the hole s existence to some of the day crew, Phil didn t know.On the other side of the room there was a desk where the employees would sit during their lunch or cigarette breaks along with the computer they used for placing product orders. Next to the desk were two doors, one leading back out behind the counter and the other leading to the manager s office, but that one was never opened during the night shift. The manager, Big Maggie, didn t come in until the morning, always after sunrise no matter how late that might be during the winter. She may have known about what happened here after sundown, but that didn t mean she wanted anything to do with it. Next to the manager s office was a long and thin storage area where they kept extra products that didn t quite fit on the shelves yet. The day people were usually too busy during the day to worry about stocking the shelves, so they rarely came back here. It was a good thing, since this was the only place where the night crew could keep their emergency supplies. Leading Lucas to the very back of the supply area, Phil pushed aside a stack of older smocks to reveal several cardboard cartons. He shoved away two boxes, one marked in magic marker with the words In case of Radioactive Mutants and another marked Just Say No to Mermaids. Finally he pulled out one marked Emergency Fire-Breathing Monster Kit. Lucas looked at the box with wide eyes. A kit? Lucas asked. Weird crap like this actually happens enough for there to be a kit? Often enough that I wouldn t actually call it weird, Phil said. Seriously? You don t think a giant bat-winged fire-breathing armadillo is weird? Not really. Then what would you consider weird? Phil thought about that for a second. A giant bat-winged fire-breathing armadillo dressed as Elvis. With tentacles. And maybe a leotard. He opened the box s flaps and showed Lucas the contents. There was a fire extinguisher, several tubes of burn ointment, an empty urn, and a pair of jeans. The jeans were slightly moldy and smelled vaguely like salt. Phil pulled the jeans out and handed them to Lucas. Here, Phil said. They re a little stretched out, but it looks like your belt wasn t damaged so you can just use that. I wasn t here for it, but Caleb says the last guy who wore them was turned into a giant slug. There might still be some slime in them, so you should probably wipe it down with some paper towel first. Ew, Lucas said. He stared at the jeans for a second, then tried to look back at the missing seat of his pants. Going over to the sinks he pulled some paper towel from the dispenser. Mind giving me some privacy for a minute? Not a problem, Phil said. I should probably call in the police to haul away that stupid thing s carcass, anyway. He went out the door to the counter area and grabbed the phone from its place next to the lottery ticket display. Yeah, right, Lucas said from the back room. I highly doubt the police will be able to do anything with it. Not the normal police. There s a special division that just patrols the Hill. They re slow as hell, but it ll be gone before sunrise. But I don t get it. This kind of stuff only happens on the Hill? Probably a whole bunch of places all over the world, but in this city? Yeah, just the Hill. And there s all sorts of things out there? Not just uh, whatever the hell that thing was? Sure. Werewolves, vampires. Whatever. Never know what ll walk through the doors. Had a customer once that I could have sworn was Red Riding Hood, but she was too screwed up on Ecstasy for me to ask her for certain. Lucas didn t say anything, and Phil took that moment to call in the dead armadillo. All he got was a machine, but he knew the monster would be taken care of. The mundies, the mundane daylight people, were able to sleep well thinking that these kind of things never actually happened, and there were more than enough people devoted to helping them sleep in peace. That peace would be destroyed if these kind of things were left for the mundies to see. Phil had been a mundy once. Most of the human nighttime dwellers of the Hill had. He even wished sometimes that he was still one of them. It scared him, having to live like this. Of course, if he had never gotten this job he would have never met his girlfriend, and even though she was from a completely different background from him she was the best thing going for him. Being in the know sometimes had its perks. When Phil put the receiver back down, Lucas once again spoke from the back. Already he sounded much calmer. In Phil s experience, that could sometimes be a bad sign. The natural human reaction would have been to freak out a little more, try to deny that anything he d seen so far was real. The ones who took it too much in stride at first tended to be the ones who cracked the widest. Okay, fine, Lucas said. All this shit is really for real. What I don t get is how? How is any of this possible? Phil shrugged. I don t know. Someone- a clown demon, actually- once tried to tell me that the Hill is built on an ancient Native American burial ground. Somebody else insisted that this is the place where the final battle between good and evil is supposed to take place, which is why me and Caleb have to keep stopping apocalypses. Whoa, wait. Apocalypses as in the Apocalypse? No, apocalypses with a small a, not a capital A. They re actually more common than you think. But I don t really buy any of those reasons. Personally, I just think that all the beasties just need a place where they can be themselves, go hang out in bars, score some drugs, buy some Slim Jims. Monsters eat Slim Jims? Phil thought for a moment about the night he met his girlfriend, and then smiled. Oh yeah. They re really not that much different than us. He heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Lucas come out of the back room. Are you sure I can t just go home, just quickly? These things are really disgusting. You ll stay your entire shift, Phil said. And if you decide to quit after tonight you need to let us know before you leave tonight so the manager can hire someone else right away. You planning on staying? I don t know. You have to admit this is lot to deal with. I bet a lot of people quit after their first night, huh? Not as many as you think. I guess it s kind of like Lawrence Fishburne said in The Matrix. Once people find the rabbit hole, they want to see how deep it really goes. Through the front door Phil could see someone approaching the store. Tonight s apocalypse had been averted, so everyone would figure now that it was safe to go out and get their snacks and smokes. Lucas saw the customer coming and raised an eyebrow at Phil. Aren t you going to lock the doors or something? Why the fuck would I do that? Well, we just stopped a a thing. You can t really consider keeping the store open after that, can you? Of course you can. The world doesn t stop turning just because it almost ended. Now you should get to work on putting out those magazines I started to show you earlier. What about Caleb? Shouldn t he be in here doing something, too? Never you mind him. He ll be in after he s done talking to Gloria. What s the deal with those two, anyway? I doubt that even they know. Chapter 3Both Caleb and Gloria were quiet for several seconds after Phil and Lucas went back in. Caleb didn t know where this awkwardness always came from on the few occasions that Gloria came around. They certainly hadn t been awkward when they d worked together. They hadn t been co-workers for very long, certainly nowhere near as long as Caleb had been working with Phil, but they hadn t been shy when trading snarky comments. On the last night they had worked together, however, Caleb had hinted that he liked her, although maybe not in the most appropriate manner. She d quit soon after and had gone back to her day job as a stripper, yet she still moonlighted as a monster hunter on the Hill. She wasn t even the only beastie hunter/stripper, although as far a Caleb was concerned she was the only one who made a difference.So what s new, Butcher? she finally said. You know I hate it when people call me that. No you don t. I know you well enough. You get off on it. Don t complain. At least the beasties know you by a cool code name. How many other convenience store clerks out there actually have a code name?Caleb cocked a thumb in the direction of the store. At least two. They re starting to call Phil the Necrophile and I m sure that with a little help I can get people to start calling Lucas as Happy Mister Tinklepants. Another goddamned newbie, Gloria said. Employees around here are really starting to drop like flies, aren t they? They ve always dropped like flies. But it s getting better. Turnover rate on the graveyard shift is down to forty percent, and the death rate is finally down below fifteen percent.Ah, Gloria said, and as she nodded another awkward silence began. They both stood there for a few seconds, watching the body of the armadillo as it continued to bleed out. Caleb was going to have to hose down the parking lot once the carcass was hauled away. Yet another damned thing he had to do before the shift was over. A customer approached from across the street, paying Caleb and Gloria no mind as she headed for the door, and although she wrinkled her nose at the lighter fluid smell the thing was giving off she didn t give the armadillo much notice either.Sooo , Caleb said. Whatcha doing around here? A bit out of your way these days, isn t it? I heard you were doing your little monster killer hobby down closer to Leechman Park.It is, and I do. But some necromancer I was giving a lap dance today mentioned something about a prophecy coming to pass over here tonight, and I thought you might need the help. She paused, bit her lip for a second like she wasn t sure if she wanted to continue speaking, then gestured at the curb in front of the nearest parking space. And I guess there was something else, too. Want to sit down?Caleb joined her on the curb, and Gloria stopped to pull out and light a cigarette before continuing. I guess I ve been thinking a lot lately.Caleb s first reaction was to spout some clever quip, but as difficult as it was to restrain himself he sensed that this might not be the moment. Something about the tone of Gloria s voice called for a moment of seriousness. That only made Caleb want to say something humorous even more just to make the tension go away, but he restrained himself.I ve seen my share of funky shit here on the Hill. You ve probably seen a lot more. I know we used to argue about my attitude towards it all when I worked here, but you were mostly right about it. I thought this was all fun, didn t take most of it seriously. Especially since most of the things around here that are supposed to be so evil are just stupid.But, what? Caleb said. You ve changed your mind about all this? Well, don t go thinking that I don t still believe this is fun. I mean, come on. I slay monsters on my time off. You even get paid to do it. Pshh. Sure, but I don t get paid well. And technically I just get paid to make sure the store runs smoothly. Sometimes that means kicking drunks out of the store, sometimes it means keeping it from getting sucked into the seventeenth dimension. My point is, we are kind of living some people s fantasies here. And yes, before you say anything, I know most people don t fantasize about the stripping and cashier parts. The rest of it, though, is pretty amazing. But once in a while, don t you ever go home at the end of your shift and cry? Caleb didn t say anything. You know, like on a night where you really did come just this close to buying it. Nights where it s not just a cool fantasy anymore. Caleb sighed. I know where you re going with this. You re saying that you re quitting. Not just the OneStop this time, but the whole thing. Actually, I m not. You re getting ahead of me. I ve met people on the Hill, many of whom aren t even technically people. Some of them I ve hated, some I liked. But many of them just aren t here any more. The world on the Hill can kill sometimes, even if you re already technically dead. And seeing all that I guess it s just made me think about the past, things I ve wanted to do differently. Decisions I made that I might want to take back and try again. Like on my last day here at the OneStop. You re saying you want your job back? Gloria flicked her cigarette at the armadillo and rolled her eyes. You can be so goddamned dense. Sometimes I m not quite sure what I see in you. What you see oh. Caleb s eyes went wide. Are you saying I m not saying anything. I m just asking a casual question to see where it goes. And that question is what are you doing tomorrow night? Caleb blinked at her several times, looking for any sign that this was a joke. Her face didn t twitch like she was trying to hold back a smile or laugh, and despite the nervous happiness that most people would have when asking such a question Gloria actually looked solemn. Nothing, Caleb said slowly. I have off tomorrow night. Then you wanna go out? Despite Gloria s solemn demeanor Caleb couldn t help grinning. Absolutely. What do you want to do? Let s not make any actual plans. On a place like the Hill, plans can get mucked up pretty fast anyway. Yeah, sure. We ll find something to do. Great, Gloria said. How about we meet here just after sunset? Yeah, sounds like a plan. It sounded like the greatest plan in the history of humankind, in fact, but Caleb didn t want to actually say that. He stood up. I really should get back inside. He gestured at a small group of people approaching the store. Two of them looked human and one was pasty with sharp looking teeth. The fourth seemed to be some sort of giant gecko. Looks like we re about to get a rush. Sure, Gloria said. She stood up as well and started to walk away. See you tomorrow night, then. Caleb watched her for a few seconds before calling out after her. Hey, just a second. I m just curious. Just what is it that you do see in me, anyway? Gloria stopped walking for a moment, pointing to the armadillo as she answered but not looking back at him. I see someone who just fought a giant killer armadillo and survived with minimal help. She started walking away again, and Caleb almost missed what she said next. I see someone who might not go dying on me this time. There really wasn t any way for Caleb to respond to that, so he just went back inside.Chapter 4 Phil was ringing up a customer when Caleb came back in, a huge smile on his face and a lot more bounce in his step than normal. What the hell s up with you? Phil asked. You look like you just got laid.The woman at the counter grabbed the eggs, cigarettes, and Twizzlers she had just purchased with a sniff, standing up straight like she thought she was some noblewoman. That is not an appropriate conversation to be having in front of customers. How do you know I m not offended by that? I m sorry, did I offend you? Phil asked. Well, no. It s just the principle of the thing. She walked out the door, shoving aside the four customers trying to come in after Caleb. Phil shook his head. Jesus, he muttered under his breath. I ll never understand why humans are so much bigger assholes than the beasties.Caleb smiled and agreed, then approached Lucas at the magazine rack. Big Maggie had recently gotten it into her head that they could make extra money at night by having specialty items catering to the Hill s unique clientele, and she had started ordering certain magazines to experiment with the idea. The special magazines, ordered from a special branch of their newsstand distributor, were supposed to be set out at the beginning of the night shift, but with all the excitement over the prophecy they had all forgotten to do it until now. Lucas had a tote at his feet and was putting the magazines from it on the shelf, stopping every so often to stare in amazement at a copy of Playghoul or Popular Esoterics.That s just disgusting, Lucas said as he held up a copy of Playghoul. The model on the cover had an arm across her naked breasts, although it might have been more appropriate to just say breast, singular. One of them had mostly rotted off. Her skin was tinged with green, and black veins could be seen just under the skin. She was giving the camera a come-hither look, but that wasn t easy since one of her eyes was drooping in its socket. What kind of sick freak would actually be into that?Phil resisted the urge to go around the counter and smack the newbie upside the head. It wouldn t be professional. Thankfully, Caleb did it for him.Ow! What the hell? Lucas said. You need to be careful what you say out loud around here, Caleb said. You ll never know who you ll offend. I m just saying Don t. Standard rules during the day may say that something is weird or perverted, but this is a different world, got it? The rules change. While Lucas was rubbing the back of his head and putting the magazine back on the rack, Caleb shot Phil a quick wink. Phil gave him a small nod back. Several customers came up to the counter, and Caleb took his register to help Phil check them out. When they were gone and the store was empty for a moment, Lucas pointed out the window at the man who had just left. From his looks the customer had probably been a vampire, or at least some form of an undead. So we just serve people like that, no problem? Of course, Caleb said. Why wouldn t we? But wasn t that a vampire? Probably. Well, when you grabbed those swords earlier I saw you also had a bunch of stakes or something. Shouldn t we have been trying to kill it? Don t be a jackass, Phil said. He was a paying customer. But he was a vampire! A blood-sucking vampire! A blood-sucking vampire who bought Corn Nuts, Caleb said. He was just going about his business. If he were trying to hurt somebody, then sure. We would have slain him. We ve got duffle bags under the counter that are full of things like holy water and stakes and silver bullets and whatever. But that s only if they try to kill someone. You know, you ve got a lot to learn. I think maybe you should work tomorrow night to get the hang of things quicker. Tomorrow s my night off, Lucas said. Well, since I m such a nice guy I thought I would let you take my shift, Caleb said. Phil snorted. You ve suddenly got something you actually want to do or something? Caleb s maniacal grin returned. Gloria just asked me out. I didn t want to say no after all this time, so I sort of fibbed and told her I had off. Lucas frowned. I don t know. I sort of had something I wanted to do tomorrow Oh come on, Caleb said. Pretty fricking please? Lucas shrugged, but he still looked hesitant as he bent down and grabbed several copies of Better Tombs and Gardens. I guess, but I m not sure that Awesome, Caleb said. I owe you one. But now that you ve agreed, you better fucking show up. You do a no-call/no-show tomorrow and I will hunt you down and kick your ass, got it? Oh, wait, Phil said. Now that I think about it, maybe that s not such a good idea. Dude, what the hell? Caleb said. After eyeing Lucas for a second he leaned closer to Phil and dropped his voice to a whisper. You know I haven t been with a living breathing woman for like a year now. Don t screw with me here. Phil also looked over at Lucas, who was too engrossed in the magazines to notice either of them. Phil gestured that they should move and led Caleb over to the nacho counter, just far enough out of Lucas s earshot that they didn t have to whisper quite so low. I forgot, Phil said. Sue was supposed to be coming by tomorrow. Remember? We figured it would be best for her to come around here on a quieter night so I could try to work things out with her while you took care of the customers and stuff. Oh. Right, Caleb said. Well, you can still do that, can t you? Especially since the world almost ended tonight. It can t try ending two nights in a row, right? So you shouldn t have to deal with too much extra stuff that the newbie won t be able to handle. But you heard him. I can t bring her around with the way he was acting. Phil, you need to stop hiding what you are. Come out of the mausoleum and admit it: you re a necrophiliac. I am not a necrophiliac! Will you quit calling it that already? Whatever. It s not like I m judging you. But I keep telling you, it doesn t count as necrophilia so stop calling it that. Your girlfriend is a zombie. What else am I supposed to call it? I don t know. Think of some brand new politically correct title for it. The point is, you may give me shit about it but you at least tolerate it. That Lucas guy, I don t think he would. Well then, can t you try whatever you re going to try somewhere else? Why does it have to be here at work? I can t see her during the day because she doesn t rise from her grave until sundown. And I can t take her back to my place. I live too close to the southeast edge of the Hill. Where people will start to question the presence of a zombie. Caleb ran his hand through his hair and blew out a sigh. Dude, I sympathize with you. But you know how important this is to me. And you know how important Sue is to me! I ve got to find a way to make this work with her. Caleb looked over at Lucas. A customer had come in, but Lucas hadn t noticed. He was too busy flipping through a copy of Rolling Headstone. Caleb shook his head and headed towards the cash register. Look, I m sure it won t be that bad. Lucas will be okay with it. You can still do your thing and I can do mine, cool? Caleb didn t wait for Phil to answer. He went to ring the customer up as several more customers filtered in. As much as Phil wanted to say something angry at the guy he didn t get the chance. Business was more or less steady for the next hour, and the rest of the night was spent dealing with a mutant from another dimension unleashed from the crack house next door. Once the sun came up the manager came in and the day crew followed. Caleb was gone for the day before Phil could tell him how betrayed he felt.Chapter 5 A day off. And a date. The first thing happened more often for Caleb than it felt like, mostly because the job at OneStop took so much out of him that on his days off he just slept the entire day and night through. The second thing, however, had been a long time coming. His last real date had been just before he had met Gloria, a girl called Athena. He d had sex some time after that, but that didn t really count. That had also been with Athena, but she was a ghost by then. Sex with a ghost wasn t terribly fulfilling.Caleb stood in the bathroom of his apartment finishing up his shaving before throwing on a dash of cologne. He didn t put on too much. Gloria didn t strike him too much as a cologne type of girl. He didn t really like the scent either, but it covered up the scent of the OneStop Mart. He d showered between now and his shift last night, of course, but somehow the smells of the place stuck on him and just wouldn t go away. He smelled like doughnuts and nachos and Froztee mix. There were worse things to smell like, but that didn t make it less obnoxious.He took a long look at himself in the mirror, but even though he d been preparing for his date for the last hour he still didn t think he looked sharp enough. His hair was as perfect as he could get it without actually getting a haircut, his face was shaved, and he tried to stand up straight in an effort to look somewhat hunky and debonair. Of course, he would never really be either, but it disturbed him that he couldn t even pretend a little bit when he was alone with nothing but his reflection. Part of it, he thought, might have been the bags under his eyes. Physically he wasn t really tired at all. Mentally, on the other hand, he felt exhausted. He saw things on a regular basis that most people never even realized existed, and through it all he had to continue on with something resembling a normal life. In a way it didn t seem right. He d killed a giant flying firebreathing armadillo last night, for Christ sakes. He felt like he should have gotten some sort of mainstream credit for that.Not that he didn t get any credit at all. The decorations hanging around his bathroom were a testament to that. The thing about saving the world between cleaning the hot dog grill and inventorying the soda cooler was that sometimes the actual objects he had to save the world from slipped through the cracks. He might come across a cult bent on world destruction when they came into the store for a mid-ritual snack, but the cult still needed something to cause the destruction in the first place, an ancient carved amulet or a mystical sword or something. Sometimes, when the special police ended up getting involved, they would confiscate the magical items. More often, though, such things just got left lying in the parking lot or forgotten in the john. Caleb always took them home and hung them in the bathroom. They were symbols to him that as worthless as he sometimes felt- because even with the world-saving, his job could have been done by a highly trained llama- he still did his part to keep the world slightly sane.Caleb looked out the window at the setting sun, then finished getting ready, exited the building, and started towards the OneStop. His apartment wasn t more than five blocks away, and he still had maybe fifteen minutes before the sun was completely down, so he took his time. This was usually his favorite time of the day, although he wouldn t exactly call it pleasant. Maybe a better word to describe it would be electric. There was a great deal of energy now as the daytime residents of the Hill rushed to get home and the nighttime dwellers were just waking up. As he watched, a young businessman with a cell-phone held firmly to his ear rushed towards the door of an apartment building. Before the businessman could open the door, however, a girl tried to come out at the same time and they almost collided. The girl had on a wrinkled but clean t-shirt and jeans with what looked like paint smeared into them on the thighs. She also had an incredibly pale skin-tone, but Caleb couldn t be sure if that was because there was something supernatural about her or she just didn t get into the sun enough. Not everyone who preferred the night here, after all, was paranormal. The businessman and the girl stood there for a second staring at each other, not quite sure whether to acknowledge that the other existed, before they both just walked around each other and went about their business.When Caleb got to the OneStop neither Phil nor Lucas had arrived yet. Although it would have been ideal for only the one crew to ever be around after dark, that wasn t possible. Whether they fought monsters or not, the Apocalypse shift crew still could only work eight hours at a time. During the summer, like now, the second shift only had to work for a brief time after the sunset. During the winter, though, the long nights meant the second shift sometimes had to deal with the same problems as the third shift. Unlike the morning shift, who knew pretty much nothing about the Hill at night, the second shift had to be made of sterner stuff.There was a scream as Caleb opened the door. EEEEE! A mouse! Sheila was crouched on top of the counter next to one of the registers and clutching her arms close to her blue smock as she stared down at something out of Caleb s sight. Kelly, a broadshouldered but pretty woman about Caleb s age, stood behind the counter with a broom held high. She was looking where Sheila stared but her face was set and determined. Several customers had gathered at the far end of the store, all of them chuckling at the scene but still keeping their distance.Kelly risked a glance over at Caleb as he came up to the counter. Caleb! Thank god you re here. Where s your duffelbag?I didn t bring it, Caleb said. I don t work tonight. But I thought you had a date tonight? I do. So? So you re doing your date on the Hill, right? With Gloria? Wow, word really does travels fast around here. But what s that got to do with anything? So if you re going to be on the Hill you should still have your duffel bag. Caleb cursed himself silently. She was right. He d been too preoccupied and forgot all about his bag. Everyone who knew what they were doing on the Apocalypse Shift brought emergency supplies or weapons along with them just in case. He may be out tonight just to have fun, but it would be crazy to go out without the means to protect himself. Why don t you two have your own duffel bags? Caleb said. We shouldn t have to have them, Sheila said. There was still a little bit of panic in her voice. That s not part of our job. And mine s just not as well stocked as yours usually is, Kelly said. Why do you even need one? Caleb said as he leaned over the counter to try to see what was going on. A mouse, Sheila said again. Please tell me it s at least an apocalyptic death mouse, Caleb said. He could see something small moving in the corner over by the drop-safe, but he couldn t quite see what it was yet. Actually, yeah, Kelly said. I think it kind of is. Caleb pulled himself up so his belly was almost completely on the counter, and finally he could see it. It wasn t a mouse, but more like a small rat. There would be nothing terribly special about it if Caleb could just ignore the head. It had standard little rat ears and eyes, but where its snout and mouth should have been it had a mass of inch-long tentacles twitching at Kelly. Before Caleb could say anything more Kelly brought the broom down on it as hard as she could. She hit hard enough that she actually cracked the plastic hood covering the broom s bristles, but when she raised the broom up again the tentacle rat was still sitting there. It looked completely unharmed, if a little annoyed. Kelly raised the broom up and prepared to bring it down again, but Caleb held up a hand to block her. Whoa, wait, Caleb said. I wouldn t do that again if I were you. He ll only sic his eldritch and obscenely squamous minions upon you and all your kin for all eternity. Kelly raised an eyebrow but lowered the broom. What do you mean? That s Ratathoth, the Elder Rodent God, Caleb said. He got down off the counter, went over to the refrigerator case where they kept the sandwiches and cold snacks, and pulled out an individually wrapped string cheese. Look, he s easy enough to get rid of. Caleb unwrapped the cheese as he came around the counter, then bent low and put it in the creature s outstretched paws. Ratathoth gave a small screech as he took it. If this had been a full sized Elder God that screech would have driven all who heard it to the depths of insanity. When the noise came from something so small, however, it only gave Caleb a minor headache. Holding the string cheese firmly in its tentacles, Ratathoth ran around the counter and bolted out the front door just as Phil was coming in for his shift. Phil jumped out of its way, then watched it scamper across the parking lot for few seconds before letting the door close behind him. The Elder Rat God. Nice, Phil said as the customers who had been hiding in back started to trickle up to the front with their purchases. Maybe that fills our weekly quota for encounters with creatures from beyond the brink of madness. Not likely, Caleb said. I hear there s a lurker at the museum this week. He ll probably show up at some point wanting a doughnut. Even though the customers were already waiting in a line for the cash register, Sheila didn t move from her place on the counter. Instead she sat cross-legged and continued staring down at the floor as though something else nasty might still be waiting down there for her. That s it! Sheila screamed. I can t take this anymore. I swear I ll quit! So quit, one of the customers said. And then get the hell out of the way so I can buy my smokes. What the hell is wrong with you people? Sheila said. This is not the way the world is supposed to be. We shouldn t have to go through with this every day. The world should just be normal! Kelly poked her with the broom hard enough to get her off the counter. Quit whining. And get your ass over to your register. You ve still got five minutes left on your shift. Sheila pouted but did as Kelly said. Phil went into the back room, passing by Caleb without saying anything. That was kind of odd. Phil had been quieter when he had first started here, but now he rarely passed up a chance to trade quips and insults with his coworkers. The real thing that had turned him around and brought him out of his shell had been Sue, which was good for Phil but still rather creepy. He joked around with Phil about dating a zombie, but that didn t mean Caleb was used to seeing such a thing. He tried to be progressive and open-minded, but a part of him still didn t think Phil s behavior was natural. Caleb hung around inside the store, exchanging small-talk with Kelly for the few minutes until Gloria showed up. As nervous as he was about the prospect of a date for the first time in over a year, though, he was getting even more nervous about Lucas s absence so far. If the newbie really had decided to do a no call/no show then Caleb would be expected to do his shift after all. If he wasn t coming in, then that little bastard had better be in mortal danger or something, or else Caleb would kick his ass. Never mind that Caleb had a lot more luck kicking the ass of supernatural beasties than he did actual humans, he would still do it. He was brooding to himself next to the freezer case when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He jumped as the sudden touch and turned to see Gloria looking at him with her eyebrow raised. Easy there, Butcher. Act like that much more and I might begin to think you re nervous. Nervous about what? Caleb said. That something might happen tonight and I ll have to bail your ass out like I always do? Even as the words came out of his mouth he felt the need to smack himself. This was a date, sort of, not a pissing contest with one of the other employees. Smack talking was probably not wise. But he couldn t think of anything else to say. Gloria eyed him but didn t say anything. The fact that she didn t talk any trash back to him only reinforced that he had said exactly the wrong thing. At least she didn t seem to take it personal. She was dressed in an outfit very similar to the one she had worn last night, if maybe slightly nicer. She still had the leather jacket and a small duffel bag but had gone without the cowboy hat, allowing her black hair to flow over her ears and hang just above her shoulders. Her blouse was light purple, a feminine color that Caleb had never expected her to actually wear, and instead of jeans she wore dark slacks. The light brown skin of her face had only a subtle amount of make-up. She didn t need much make-up to bring out her natural beauty. So you ready to go then? she asked. I would be except he started, but the door opened and Lucas came in, stopping just in front of the counter to catch his breath. His cheeks were flushed and there were small beads of sweat on his forehead. Holy shit, Lucas said. You guys are never going to believe what I just saw down the street. If it was a rat with tentacles then we d believe you just fine, Kelly said, already unbuttoning her smock as Phil came from the back room to take her place at the register. How did you well, I guess he must be a regular customer, Lucas said. Thankfully not that regular, Caleb said as he approached Lucas. He dropped his voice lower so Gloria wouldn t hear. Thanks again for working tonight. Yeah, sure, whatever, he said. He seemed distracted, but Caleb figured that was to be expected. Lucas moved to go to the back room to punch in and put on a smock, but Caleb caught him gently by the arm first and leaned in close so that only Lucas could hear. Hey, just keep an open mind tonight, all right? No matter what you see. Just be cool. Lucas didn t look like he knew how to take that. Right. Okay. Then he went around to the back. Caleb waved to Phil as he went to the door. Have a good night, man. Phil didn t wave back, although when Gloria waved he at least acknowledged it with a nod. What was that all about? Gloria asked as they stepped out into the parking lot. Don t really know, Caleb said. Then a thought occurred to him. Or maybe I do. He didn t seem too happy last night about having to work with the newbie tonight. Lucas kind of came off as closed minded, and Phil was planning on having Sue stop by tonight. Gloria nodded as they made it to the edge of the parking lot and stopped under the glowing OneStop sign. They make a cute couple. Cute s not the word I would use for it, but they do couple. That s not a visual I needed. You re the one that thought they were cute. So are we going to stand around flapping our yaps or were we going to go do something? Gloria asked. Well, first thing we need to do is go back to my apartment, Caleb said. Gloria s eyes went wide. Whoa, hold on, I don t know what you thought was going to happen tonight We need to go to my apartment because I forgot my duffel bag, dumbass. Again he felt like smacking himself in the forehead. This was definitely not the way he should be talking to his date. If Gloria hadn t been that upset by his first flippant comment, this one at least made her glare at him. Remind me again why I m hanging out with you tonight? Okay, that wasn t good on several levels. Not only had he already managed to piss her off less than a minute into their first date, but she now didn t even seem to be calling it a date. If he didn t do something this night wouldn t end well. He racked his brain trying to think of some way to placate her that might have worked in the past, but it had been some time since they had worked with each other and her visits to the OneStop Mart since then had been sporadic enough to not be helpful at all. Sorry. I m just Just what? Did he really want to admit he was nervous? It might soften her up quite a bit if he made just that small confession, but he couldn t bring himself to swallow that much pride. Instead he just let his words trail off, and there were several seconds of incredibly awkward silence. Right, Gloria said. Let s just go get your duffel bag and then find some place to hang out or something. Something in her voice made Caleb think that she just wanted to humor him for a while and then leave. He might as well just call it off right now and go home to listen to Led Zeppelin records by himself and play video games. That s certainly the way it would all end anyway, so there was no use denying the inevitable. Except that was stupid, and he hated himself for thinking like that. If he could stop the world from ending three times a week at the store in between refilling the soda cooler and placing the ice cream order then he could sure as hell at least get through an already less-than-perfect date. Couldn t he? That said some very disheartening things about him as a person if he couldn t. They both walked back to his apartment in silence. Caleb tried to think of something to say that would bring the mood back around to something better, but he found himself with few things to talk about. He could talk about work, but would Gloria really want to hear any of that? She would probably be bored to tears talking about the newest hot doglike product for the roller grill, or the latest flavors of Mountain Dew in stock, or the homeless goblin junkies he had found trying to sleep in the bathroom last week. He knew he would be in her position at least. So he didn t say anything at all, and the tension just felt like it got worse with every step. With the sun fully down, the Hill had completed its nightly transformation and there were signs of things not quite human all around them. Down the street on one of the corners three women in skimpy and tacky dresses made passes at the occasional passersby. Two looked human, while the other was only eight inches tall and had dragon-fly wings poking out her back. A car drove past with gansta rap blaring from the speakers, and although it went by too fast for Caleb to be positive, he thought the people inside might have all had red skin and horns sticking out on their foreheads. Caleb and Gloria passed by an alley where two figures stood in the shadows, and from the shambling movements of the nearest one he could tell that it was a zombie. It lunged at the second figure, a man in a trench coat, and both Caleb and Gloria stopped, ready to spring into action and stop the attack. But the second figure simply opened up his trench coat and pulled out a baggie from inside. The zombie slowly handed the man a fistful of money and then pocketed the baggie. Caleb couldn t be sure in the poor light, but if he had to guess he would say that the baggie had contained pieces of brains. It was much easier for zombies these days to get their fix from dealers than to worry about the hassle of forming mobs and shambling after their prey. Caleb s apartment building was a simplelooking three story structure, one of hundreds of plain buildings on the Hill. Caleb pulled out a key as they walked up to the front door, but he saw some idiot had apparently left it unlocked. That was an incredibly stupid thing to do anywhere in the city, but it was doubly so here. Even the people who never went out after dark and never realized who or what was actually on the Hill knew far better than to do something like this. He looked back at Gloria, but she didn t appear to notice that anything was strange. Caleb opened the door and peered into the first floor hallway. Gloria, what do you have in your duffel bag tonight? Just the usual stuff, she said. Something about his posture or his words must have worried her, because she frowned. Why? What s up? Caleb continued looking down the hall. He could hear a television playing behind one of the doors, something that might have been a pair of voices in argument behind another. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. Just another quiet night for clueless mundies. I guess it s nothing. Just having trouble leaving the job behind on my day off, maybe. Gloria made some vaguely affirmative noise, but he noticed that she kept one hand on her duffel s zipper as she came in with him and they climbed the stairs to his floor. Caleb tried to relax. He had to be overreacting as a way to take his mind off the tension between them. Maybe if he tried starting polite conversation, this time keeping a tighter control on his little barbs, then he could help things. He looked at her as they reached the second floor. Did you come up with any ideas on what you wanted to do tonight? I don t know. There s the Club McPhisto, but I ve never been comfortable going there since the time I ordered a Bloody Mary and they made it with actual blood. I know it sounds lame, but we could always try Stubby s Bowl-a-rama if you re up for something cheesy and oh hey would you look at that. Caleb blinked at her a couple times, not sure what exactly that was supposed to mean, until he realized that she was staring straight ahead. Caleb looked too. He had worked at OneStop for a long time now, longer than would have been healthy for his sanity even if it had been a normal convenience store. He d thought he d seen enough to never be surprised by anything again. But that was all at work and away from the sanctuary of his sleepy little apartment building. He never thought any of the things that he had to deal with at the store would be at his door. Or rather through his door, apparently. The door to his apartment was smashed into thousands of pieces and scattered all over the hallway.Chapter 6 After a short steady flow of customers for the first twenty minutes of the shift, the OneStop Mart now only had one customer loitering over by the magazine rack. Phil did the nightly cigarette inventory while Lucas went to the bathroom. Phil was alone for less than a minute when he heard the howl of distant wind and looked at the other side of the counter to see a black mist forming.He set down his clipboard and waiting patiently behind his register. The mist coalesced into a form that stood over seven feet high. It might have had a vaguely humanoid shape, but it was difficult for Phil to tell under the thing s thick dark cloak. It didn t appear to have any feet, and instead of hands it had bloodstained ivory claws at the end of thick, hair-covered digits. Beneath the thing s hood where a face should have been there was nothing but a formless swirling void. It reared up and held its claws out in a menacing manner. An unearthly shriek issued from where its mouth should have been, a terrifying noise that rattled the store s windows. Phil waited, trying not to show how bored he really was. The customer at the magazine rack didn t even look up. The thing was quiet for several seconds, and if it had eyes Phil thought it would probably be blinking at him in confusion. Then it shrieked again. Phil waited until it was finished before he spoke. Would you mind not doing that? If you break those windows with your opera impression then you re the one who s going to have to pay for them. The thing put down its claws. Phil wished he could say that this was the first time he d ever seen a formless void in a cloak look dejected, but he would be lying. So I don t scare you? it asked. You re new around here, aren t you? Phil asked. Uh, yeah. Just moved in down on Grant Street. Why you ask? Because that kind of schtick really isn t going to work in this neighborhood. But how can it not? I m the Boogeyman. I strike fear into the hearts of children and the weakwilled the world over. Phil didn t try to argue with him. It wouldn t do any good. Everyone that came into the store thought they were so unique. I am the Alpha Werewolf for the whole western United States! I am the Queen of the Damned! I am Elvis reincarnated! The thing was that every werewolf seemed to think they were the alpha, and there were no fewer than four queens of all who were damned within a ten block radius. As for the Elvises, well, most of those people were just nutters. The real Elvis only came around once every eight or nine months. Seriously, guy. Not going to work, Phil said. Now was there something I could help you with? The cloak s shoulders slumped. No, I guess not. The boogeyman turned and started floating for the door, then stopped and came back. Unless you have any of those sour apple gummy ring things? Those are awesome. Phil pointed down one of the aisles at the candy, and the boogeyman floated off to grab them. Not long afterwards, Lucas cautiously stepped out of the bathroom. Do I want to know what that shrieking was? Lucas asked. Boogeyman, Phil said as he went back to doing the cigarette count. Oh. Um, right, Lucas said. Just the freaking Boogeyman. No sweat there. None at freaking all. He stayed over by the nacho cheese dispenser to watch as the boogeyman rifled through the candy. Phil supposed there were things he should have been training the newbie to do, but his mind was too busy with other stuff to care much at the moment. Lucas could stand there for a few minutes not doing anything if he really wanted. At any other convenience store Phil would have been concerned that the security cam would catch them slacking off, but the camera here in the store hadn t worked ever since it had become haunted. Not that the whole store was haunted, just the security camera. Phil supposed there was a story there but no one had figured it out yet. Of more concern right now was what to do when Sue showed up. He was worried about how Lucas would react when he found out that Phil was dating a zombie, but there was also the reason he had wanted Sue to come by tonight in the first place. He wanted to talk with her about where they were in their relationship, where they stood with each other, where it was going and if what either of them felt was real. All things that would have to be dealt with eventually, but they couldn t talk about it just yet, because Sue s tongue was mostly rotted away. Until they figured out a way around that, communication was going to be tough. Phil knew that other people were weirded out by his relationship with Sue, and as much as the constant disgusted looks pissed him off he could still understand where everyone else was coming from. He had felt the same way not long ago. Zombies were just one of the many minorities that called the Hill their home, and while Phil had always been a live and let un-live sort, he still hadn t wanted much to do with them. Sue had become a regular customer at the OneStop a couple months after he had started here, but he hadn t known her name then. She had just been another zombie, one that Caleb had found quite annoying, in fact. She had a fondness for Slim Jims but never had quite enough change to buy one. She would come in and try to pay for them with buttons and bits of moldering lint from her pockets. Phil had found Caleb s consternation with her to be funny until it had become obvious that she had a crush on Phil. Then Phil hadn t been amused anymore. She had started following him around on the occasions where he was out at night without having to work, and when he did work she would come into the store and loiter for long periods of time. It hadn t helped any that, temporarily, she d been imbued with ancient mystical energy and been able to make him aroused on command. But as much as he had wanted to be annoyed at her for all that, it had also piqued his curiosity. The same mystical energy had regenerated her slightly for a time, and although it had been impossible to not think she was a zombie, she at least gained back some of her original appearance and personality. It hadn t been a lot, but it had been enough for him to learn who she was and how she had died. And once he had learned then he had begun to fall in love with her. Her full name in life had been Susan Emily Buchowski. Born on April 18th, 1960, died on the Hill in the summer of 1984. She d been a dancer in life, struggling to make it big in Hollywood. The opportunity had presented itself to appear in a music video by one of the biggest stars of the day, a video that was supposed to feature a large group of dancing zombies. Apparently the dancers in the video hadn t known why they were filming the video so far from Hollywood, but Phil had come to find out that the director had wanted to add some authenticity to the video by adding in actual zombies, and the Hill had been the perfect place for that. The video eventually went on to be very famous, but it created the myth that zombies could dance. In the real world zombies couldn t dance at all, and they usually got very upset when they were reminded of that fact. Filming a video of dancing zombies only made the real zombies angry. Most of the dancers had been wiped out in the resulting zombie rampage, with only the singer, the director, and a few of the extras making it off the Hill alive. The few survivors who had been willing to talk to Phil about it had told him they owed their lives to Susan Buchowski. She d been scared, of course, but her courage and quick thinking had saved them. Unfortunately she hadn t been able to make it out alive herself, and in the resulting cover-up she had been buried in a shallow grave in Leechman Park. She d left behind her mother and a brother, but no boyfriend. She d been alone for most of her life. Putting a real name and story to her had changed how Phil felt about her. As a zombie she was only vaguely aware of her surroundings, and the relationship could sometimes feel one-sided. But in her moments of lucidity he could see in her one remaining rotted eye that her feelings for him were becoming just as deep as his. That didn t make this all less complicated, though. In his duffel bag under the counter tonight Phil had brought along a couple of old and worn books he d borrowed from a local pimp-slash-necromancer. It was his hope that he could find something in them that could recreate Sue s ability to speak. And from there, well, maybe it was too much to hope right now that he could bring her back to life, but he could at least try to somewhat restore her. That could be his gift to her. But she probably wouldn t be in yet for about an hour. He had to focus on his work for now, as pointless as it might seem. And that meant training the newbie. Hey, Lucas, he said as he put down his clipboard. Come over here. There s a few things I should show you about the register. But you don t want me to actually you know Lucas gestured at the boogeyman, who was floating back to the register with him arms full of bags of sour candy. You can t honestly expect me to erm He s a customer, Phil said. Just serve him already. Lucas didn t do as he was asked. Instead he just stayed in his corner, staring in horror at the boogeyman as it laid its purchases on the counter. Phil sighed as he began ringing up the candy himself. He could tell that this was not going to be a good night.Chapter 7 Gloria s fingers ran down the row of records on Caleb s makeshift cinder-block-and-board shelves, selecting one at random again and pulling it out. Houses of the Holy , she said. Pristine condition. I ve got to say, I never took you for a vinyl sort of guy.They sound better than CDs and MP3s, Caleb said, only partially paying attention to her. And they have more personality.You ve got hundreds of them, Gloria said as she put the record back. She pulled another and looked at it, Iron Maiden s Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. Although there s no accounting for taste, I guess.Caleb ignored the barb and continued to look around the main room of his studio apartment. He would rather Gloria help him look to see if anything was missing, but it wasn t like she would know if anything was gone anyway. Besides, if he were in her position he would have gone right for the records, too.The strange thing was that, other than the door, the apartment looked just fine. He didn t have much in his main room to begin with, just a bed, a couch, an entertainment center, and his record collection. His television was decent and his game systems were the best available, and a few of the records could probably fetch great prices on Ebay. But none of it was missing or damaged.I m missing something here, Caleb said. This isn t right, and as soon as I figure it out I m going to hit myself really hard for not getting it sooner. Can I do it? Gloria asked. She snorted when Caleb glared at her, then put the record back. Okay, sorry. Seriously, you re right. Something fishy why is your apartment the only one with a broken door? Yeah, I know. If it were a random burglary then whoever did it would have done it to others as well. So they had to be targeting you specifically. Gloria pulled out her cigarettes and tapped one out of the pack. She looked for a moment like she was going to light it up, to which Caleb would have had to object, but instead she just pushed her hair aside and stuck the cigarette behind her ear. Are you really sure nothing is missing? As far as I can tell, Caleb said. Why would some petty crook target me? I m just a freaking convenience store clerk. A convenience store clerk who routinely kills monsters and prevents the end of the world. Caleb s eyes went wide. It was easy for him to forget sometimes. He was surrounded by crazy things all the time, and it had jaded him. He forgot that others might not share his view that his life was boring. He also tended to forget that some of the souvenirs he picked up during his shifts might be something more to other people. Oh fuck me, Caleb said. What? Gloria asked. What is it? He didn t answer. He just ran to the bathroom and threw open the door. It was empty. All the items he had kept on the walls and shelves were gone. Whoever had taken it all hadn t missed a thing. Oh shit, Caleb said. Shit shit shit shit! Gloria came up behind him and stared at the empty space, but she still didn t sound too worried. I don t get it. What s missing? This is where I kept all the artifacts left over from my shifts. Everything. All that stuff that s left over when beasties try to take over or destroy the world. You kept them in the bathroom? Gloria said, then the import of what he said truly hit her. Oh holy crap. This is where you kept everything? Caleb began searching the shelves, looking for anything that the thieves might have missed, but they had been very thorough. Everything. What all did you have? Gloria said. Her voice had grown quiet, and she took the cigarette from behind her ear and began to fiddle with it. Most of the stuff you remember from when you worked at the OneStop, plus a handful of other things I ve picked up since. The Osterhaggis Key, the Omega Sword, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, the Flute of All Flesh, a bunch of other things. Even Caleb opened the lid of his toilet tank and found it empty as well. They even got Rubik s Ultimate Cube. Oh shit. You had Rubik s Ultimate Cube? The worry disappeared from her face long enough to look somewhat confused. And you kept it in you toilet tank? Well I sure as hell wasn t going to keep it out in the open where I might be tempted to solve it. Gloria nodded and stared at the empty shelves. We need to call the police. The special unit police, I mean. They ll want to know that all this stuff is now suddenly out there. I can t do that, Caleb said. I wasn t actually supposed to have any of that stuff to begin with. In fact, I think merely possessing a few of those things could be grounds for the death penalty. Then why did you have them to begin with? Gloria asked. Caleb shrugged. It wasn t an easy question to answer. He wanted to say that he didn t trust the authorities enough with such things, that he thought they were much safer in his own hands than in the possession of a law enforcement division that was inefficient even at its best moments. But in reality it had made him feel important to be their keeper. Gloria herself had pointed out to him once that even with all the world-saving he was forced to do on his job, it wasn t really so hard that a trained monkey couldn t do it. In the end he was still just a convenience store clerk. Keeping all those mystical artifacts had been his way of saying that he really could be important. A small part of him even liked the idea that, if he were a much more terrible person, he could actually do serious damage to the entire world. Keeping these things had been like a permanent high. We have to get them back, Caleb said. I m sure it can t be that hard. Not with the sorts of things we deal with all the time, right? Absolutely, Gloria said. We gathered them all to begin with, we can do it again. Especially since they re all probably still together. It should be easy for us, right? Just like old times, except we won t be getting paid for it. Totally, Caleb said. At least we won t have to worry about making sure the floor gets mopped during Armageddon before the boss comes in. But he didn t think he sounded very convincing, and Gloria herself was still nervously fiddling with her cigarette. Any single item that had been in this bathroom was enough by itself to cause the end of the world. All twelve of the artifacts together might be more than either of them could combat. Out of all the times Caleb had been faced with the end of human history, this was the first time he was seriously worried.Chapter 8 The first order of business was to search for clues, and while Caleb scoured the bathroom Gloria moved out into the hall and took a closer look at what was left of the door. She kept telling herself that this wasn t going to be that hard, that they could take care of this just as easily as she did with any other semi-important apocalypse she sought out on the Hill. The list of stolen items kept going through her mind, however, and she had to force herself from showing signs of the paralyzing fear she was beginning to feel.She remembered most of the items from when she had worked at the OneStop, and a few of the others she had learned of later. In truth, few of them had ever seemed very threatening in the past, but now that she thought of it that was probably because these objects of unspeakable power had been wielded by dumbasses. Most people with delusions of taking over the world were idiots, in her opinion, since after the artifacts were done doing their things there wouldn t be a whole hell of a lot of world left over to rule. World domination was seldom thought out very well.But in most of those past instances she had been able to see her opponent and, while almost always weird or creepy, none of those people had ever been her match. Caleb had accused her once of playing the beastie hunter on the Hill simply because she didn t take it seriously and thought it was all fun, and he wasn t entirely wrong. But, on a deeper level she was embarrassed to admit to everyone else, she felt that she had to do it to prove how much better she was than all the creepy crawlies, whether they were human or non-human. She d had lots of instances in her life where people hadn t taken her seriously, whether it was because she was a woman or because of her race or even because she was a stripper. Fighting monsters was a way for her to exert some control over the world like she hadn t been able to before, to force everyone to take her seriously, even if she didn t take anyone else seriously.So it was different when she wasn t sure yet who her opponent was. She couldn t look him or her or it in the eye and try to find a weak spot. And even if she did, twelve world-destroying artifacts were enough to set the odds against her.She wanted to blame Caleb for this, to say that his pride had resulted in this horrifying problem, but she had the suspicion that would be the pot calling the kettle black.Now was not the time for that, however. Now was the time to focus on her surroundings, take in the situation and break it down in such a way that she could easily deal with it. And to start with, that meant inspecting the door. The first thing she noticed was that there were very few wooden shards from the door inside the apartment. Most of them were out in the hall. The door didn t look like it had been terribly sturdy to begin with, but it still would have taken something with incredible strength and force to shatter the door into so many fragments. She took a closer look at the door frame. Caleb had had two locks in place on it, and the frame was broken around where the locks should have been. There were gouges just below the lock holes, gouges that looked like they could have come from small but strong fingers digging in between the door and frame. She found similar gouges on the other side, and the hinges had been pulled off right along with the door. It looked like something had physically grabbed the door and ripped it from its place. Of course, whoever or whatever had done that could have simply set or thrown the door aside at that point, but this person had instead gone on to destroy the door. That was an interesting detail, but Gloria couldn t be sure yet what it might mean.Other than the door there was no sign of any damage in the hallway. But even if the destruction was just the door, it had to have been loud enough for someone else to hear it. Gloria went across the hall to the door directly across from Caleb s apartment and knocked. There was no answer, so she listened at the door for a few moments until she was certain that no one was actually home, then moved to the door immediately to the left of Caleb s apartment. She knocked on this one, too, and after a few seconds she was rewarded with a response.Go away! The voice sounded like it belonged to an elderly woman, although it was loud and high pitched. I don t need no cookies, I don t need to find Jesus cuz he ain t missing, and if you re a vampire you can t come in unless I invite you anyway, so scram!I m not here about any of those things, Gloria said. I m a friend of the guy who lives next door to you andAnd he needs to stop partying so much that he shakes the entire apartment complex. Tell him next time he does that I ll call the cops.No, that wasn t him. That s what I need to talk to you I said go away before I put a stake through your undead heart! Gloria thought about trying to tell the woman that she wasn t a vampire, but she didn t want to risk the old woman following through on her threat. Instead she backed away from the door and tried a few others. Despite clearly being able to hear voices or televisions behind most of the doors, she didn t get any more responses. Most of the people in this building probably didn t know the full extant of what roamed around the Hill at night, but they still knew better than to open their doors to strangers after sundown. Even if anybody had heard the ruckus of the door shattering, no one would have wanted to get involved. Caleb was just inside his apartment staring at the empty door jamb as Gloria came back. I m still going to have to call the normal police at some point, Caleb said. The landlady s going to have a shit fit when she sees this, and if I don t want the price of a new door tacked onto my rent them I ll need some sort of official paperwork to back up my claims that someone broke in. Think you can wait to do that until the morning? Gloria asked. We kind of sort of have to deal with multiple apocalypses at the moment. Well, yeah, there s that, but I sure as fuck don t know where to begin. I didn t find anything in the bathroom that could help. Anything in the hall? No. Did you do a thorough check of the main room, though? Not yet, but it doesn t look like anything in here was disturbed. The person or thing that took the artifacts apparently knew to look in the bathroom. They probably didn t spend much time in here. We should check just to be sure, Gloria said. That s just a waste of time. We have to get out and find out what the word is on the streets. With that many world destroying artifacts back in play, someone on the street has to know something. But it would be stupid not to at least look. We re not going to freaking find anything, okay? I ll bet my entire next paycheck on it. Gloria glanced around the room. They had been looking to see if anything was missing at first, not for clues. Maybe there was something they had missed Gloria blinked several times, then looked back at Caleb and tried to keep a straight face. You really serious about that? Dead serious. Then you owe me your next paycheck, she said. Before Caleb could protest she went over towards his entertainment center and the tangled coils of his video game controllers on the floor. She had seen something sitting among the controllers like it had been thrown there in haste, and she picked it up to show Caleb. Caleb s face flushed, but he remained defiant. No. Uh-uh. How do you know that s not mine? Are you diabetic? Gloria asked. No. Do you do drugs? No. I do pot once in a great while, but not drugs. Then why would you have a used syringe sitting on your floor? She took a closer look at it as Caleb struggled to find some way out of his promise, making sure to keep the needle a safe distance from her skin. There was a hint of blood on the needle, and even though the blood had gone dark it still looked tacky. It had been used recently, probably within the last ten or fifteen minutes. There was also still some fluid in the syringe, but it was purple. Gloria couldn t think of any drug, whether mundane or unique to the Hill, that was purple. We need to find out what was in here, Gloria said. I didn t really mean it when I said I would give you my paycheck. Really. Focus, man, Gloria said. Whoever took everything probably has plans for them, and whatever those plans are we need to hurry if we want to stop it. Right. Okay, Caleb said. So does that mean you don t really want my paycheck? Oh hell yeah I do. There s no way I m letting you get out of that. But if I m going to collect we have to survive the night first. So where do we start if we want information? Despite himself, Caleb grinned, and Gloria realized what a dumb question that had been. Right, Gloria said. Where else?Chapter 9 There was an uncharacteristic lull at the OneStop shortly around eleven. Several customers, both human and otherwise, had come in with interesting information already, and Phil supposed what they had told him went a ways to explaining why things were dead so far tonight. Word travelled fast on the Hill. It had to if any of its denizens wanted to survive through all the crazy crap that happened here. Information was like currency and had to be passed back and forth to keep everything moving smoothly. It also meant that when something big was going down, everybody knew. Even some of the braver people on the Hill knew tonight was a night to stay inside.It really annoyed Phil, actually. He d been hoping to get at least to the point of seeing Sue without threat of an apocalypse, but he should have known better.Still, there was work that needed to be done, and with so few customers it was easy to do it at the moment. Later it might not be so easy, considering Phil might very well need to fight for his life. So now was the moment to teach Lucas some of the basics he needed to know about keeping the OneStop clean. Lucas, for his part, seemed a little nervous about what they had already heard from some of the customers, but he didn t know enough about the Hill to understand just how deep in it they were right now. After a flaming flying armadillo the night before, he probably thought he had already seen everything. Phil was certain the newbie would be wrong on that.Phil and Lucas were outside the store at the moment, Phil with a broom and dustpan in hand and Lucas standing off to the side as Phil pointed out all the parts of the parking lot where trash tended to accumulate. Always make sure you get the walk right in front of the doors, and all the parking lot. Oh yeah, and don t forget when you come out here to change the trash bag in the barrel out by the sign. Even if it s not full, because otherwise gremlins try to nest in it.Lucas didn t even bat an eyelash at that news. Either he was accepting all this really quickly or he was already starting to crack. Although the latter was pretty common among the newbies, Phil wanted to believe the former. Strangely enough, working the Apocalypse Shift had actually made Phil optimistic about humanity in a way he hadn t been before. People had a way of adapting to horrible circumstances and finding ways to come out on top. Even when he was worried about some of the more extreme circumstances, such as what was going on tonight, his experience said that everyone involved could rise to the occasion when forced with no other choice. Who knew? Lucas might even become a good soldier in the ongoing fight for humanity s future, given enough time.He would probably never be a good convenience store clerk, however. So far tonight he d proven himself to be kind of lazy. Whatever. You couldn t win them all.He was handing the broom and dustpan off to Lucas, who looked at them like he had never before seen things like them in his life, when he saw Caleb and Gloria approaching from down Pearl Street. Caleb had the duffel bag he had forgotten earlier, and they were walking at a pace that wasn t quite leisurely but still short of a jog. Trying to hurry without looking they were doing anything important at all. Phil snorted. He should have know that their first date could only be another attempt at stopping the end of the world. It was probably the only thing they did well together. Caleb started talking as they crossed the parking lot towards Phil and Lucas, and Phil waited. Hey, Phil, you re never going to guess what we found when we got to my As soon as Caleb was close enough Phil smacked him across the top of the head. Ow! Hey, what the fuck was that about? You kept all that mystical shit in your bathroom? Phil asked. Not locked away in some safe somewhere? What are you, a fucking idiot? Dude, don t call me an idiot, Caleb said. You re the one who He thought for a second, then shrugged. I was going to say something insulting, but I got nothing at the moment. Oh come on, Gloria said. You can t give up that easily. Without your insults you re nothing. Caleb glared at her. Hey, I have more going for me than just insults. He turned back to Phil, stared for a few seconds, then shrugged again. Oh, I don t know. Your momma s fat?Phil sighed. That s good enough for now, I guess, but I expect a better comeback before the end of the night, got it?How the hell did you even know what s happening? Gloria asked. I mean, I get that whole thing about word travelling fast around here, but how did you know all those artifacts were taken from his bathroom, of all places?A whole bunch of people came by saying you d been robbed, a couple were even able to tell me what had been taken, Phil said. But the two people who actually stopped in to give me details were One-Eyed Bobby and Wylma.One-Eyed Bobby, Caleb said. That scumbag. Oh come on, Gloria said. You re not still upset about what he did during the whole Omega Sword thing, are you? Oh, that blind bastard has proven to be a double-dealing asshole on a whole bunch of other occasions, too, Caleb said. If he wasn t precognitive I wouldn t do business with him at all. He came in and tried to sell me the information, Phil said. I ended up trading with him for a pint of Ben and Jerry s instead. Bastard probably knew that if he didn t come in when he did I wouldn t have given it to him, because Wylma came in less than a minute after he left to stock up on smokes. She bought up every box of Marlboro reds in the store, so I think she s hoarding in case the apocalypse is for real this time. Wait, who s Wylma? Gloria said. If she s got abilities like One-Eyed Bobby then you d think I d know her. No, she s different, Caleb said. She doesn t leave her bar much at night, so she doesn t usually get around to your territory of the Hill. She also deals a little more with, um, I guess you could say the less legal aspects of some things around here. Keeps as low a profile as possible, though. If she knows a little about this then she might even be able to tell us something about that syringe. Lucas started sweeping the parking lot all around them. He actually seemed bored by their conversation. Phil thought about telling him to pay attention, that any information they found could stop the destruction of the world, but he supposed making sure the parking lot was clean was more important right now. Phil was going to have to do all the paying attention for both of them. What syringe? he asked. Gloria unzipped her duffel and pulled out something wadded in bubble wrap. We didn t want to accidentally stick ourselves with it, so we had to put it in something, Gloria explained. Couldn t you have just used a freezer bag or something? Phil asked. I don t have any freezer bags, Caleb said. But you had bubble wrap? What would you even need it for? Phil asked. It s not like you ever need to pack anything. Actually, yeah, I was wondering the same thing, Gloria said. It s leftover from when I have records sent to me from Ebay, Caleb said. This doesn t have anything to do with anything. What s important is figuring out what was in the syringe and why it was in my apartment. Well I sure wouldn t know, Phil said. Wylma probably is your best There was a moan from somewhere down the sidewalk. They all turned to see Sue shambling towards them. Phil had seen pictures of what she had looked like in life, with her slight frame and dishwater-blond hair, and she had been pretty, but not quite beautiful. Of course, she looked even less so now, but her looks had absolutely nothing to do with why he was dating her. They did, however, make him a little self-conscious whenever she tried any public displays of affection. That was exactly what she was moving for now, her greenish-gray arms outstretched in front to give him a hug as she approached. He supposed that wasn t what it would probably look like to anyone who didn t know her, however. She looked more like the traditional zombie coming in for an attack, so he wasn t entirely surprised when Lucas screamed. Oh shit, run! Lucas yelled, dropping the broom and dustpan and running back towards the door. Everyone just ignored him. Gloria and Caleb stepped aside to let Sue by, both of them looking amused at her enthusiasm. Phil tried not to look at them, instead trying to concentrate on how happy he was to see her, but he didn t feel comfortable being with her when other people were watching and judging him. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, with some of her sticky rotten pus smearing on his smock, and she leaned forward to kiss his lips. The movement was so familiar, something that gave him comfort when they were alone together and made him feel warm despite the cold feeling of her flesh, but for now, despite himself, he found himself trying to back away. He wanted to kiss her. Really he did. He had learned to not only get past his initial repulsion at touching lips that had been withered and eaten away but to actually enjoy it as part of the unique sensations that were her gentle self. But people were watching. People he respected, and people he thought might understand that what he had with Sue was real and not just some sick perversion, but he still couldn t be comfortable with them looking on. Sue, for her part, didn t seem to notice his hesitation. After her quick peck (or at least quick as was possible for a zombie) she stepped away and looked towards Caleb and Gloria. Her arm spasmed up and down, the closest thing she was capable of to a wave. Huuuuh Cuuuuh. Huuuuh Guuuuh. Hi Sue, Caleb said. What s shaking? She didn t answer. Phil knew from experience that it was hard for her to concentrate on any one thing for too long. Maybe that was another thing he could try to fix along with her tongue. Look, we ve got our own thing we need to do tonight, Phil said. And I should probably go inside and calm Lucas down, try to explain Sue to him. So I ll tell you what. I ve got your cell number, Caleb. If I hear anything more useful I can call you. Until then you should go see Wylma and A noise echoed through the air, loud enough to rival a sonic boom but sounding more like an enormous zipper. It sounded almost like someone was unzipping reality itself. Everything around them flashed with blocks of purple and green, and then the night was silent and still again. Gloria quickly glanced around at everything around them. Whoa. What the flying fuck was that? Phil didn t answer. He d experienced that once before, and already knew exactly what he was looking for. He noticed that Caleb and Gloria were standing an extra foot away from each other despite having not moved. Sue was a few inches closer to him, and her simple mind was thoroughly confused as she looked down at her feet, as though accusing them of moving her without her permission. But the biggest change was in Gloria s hand. Look, Phil said, pointing. Gloria raised her hand and looked at the syringe in it. It was safely housed in a plastic freezer bag, and the bubble wrap was nowhere in sight. But it was just Gloria started, then looked up at Phil with a thoroughly confused face. No. It wasn t in bubble wrap at all. We put it in freezer bag. We found a freezer bag right away, Caleb said. This was obviously news to him, but he didn t seem terribly surprised by the change. He did, however, look much more worried than before. I don t even have bubble wrap at home. Phil nodded. But it wasn t like that before, even though we remember it being just like this the whole time. But what does that mean? Gloria asked. And why do neither of you seem surprised by this? Because we ve seen this before, Caleb said. Every time someone lines up a color next to one just like it on Rubik s Ultimate Cube, it causes a slight alteration in reality. If someone were to solve the cube and bring all the colors together on the same sides, then reality as we know it would be ripped apart and replaced with something else. All creatures, human, non-human, living and undead would be erased. Which means someone just started trying to solve the cube, Phil said. The end has already started.Chapter 10 Although they all waited for another minute or so for another change in reality, nothing more happened. Whoever had the artifacts and the cube apparently couldn t figure out the puzzle any better than the last person who had possessed it before Caleb. Caleb said that they would most likely know when the end was getting closer, as whoever had it would be able to connect colors at a faster rate when he/she/it was closer to solving it, resulting in the reality changes getting more frequent. Gloria couldn t argue with that logic, but that didn t mean they really had the time to delay. They had to get moving and find the missing artifacts. After all, just because someone couldn t figure out how to use one didn t mean they couldn t figure out any of the others. Some of them were disturbingly easy, once you knew what to do with them.As they started on their way to see this mysterious Wylma, whoever the hell she was, Gloria had Caleb fill her in on exactly which objects he had possessed.You already mentioned a few of them, Gloria said. We ve seen someone try to use Rubik s Ultimate Cube. And I remember when we got the Omega Sword and the Osterhaggis Key.Right, Caleb said. The Osterhaggis Key isn t something we have to worry too much about yet. It can only be used in one of three locations throughout the entire world, none of which are even in the U.S. If you remember, though, the Omega Sword might be more of a problem. In order to use that all you need is unpaved earth beneath your feet.Not something easy to find on the Hill, Gloria said. Easy enough if it gets taken over to Leechman Park. But we never did get a chance to see how powerful it was, so it may not be as important to find as some of the others. You mentioned the Flute of All Flesh, Gloria said. She looked back over her shoulder as the OneStop Mart grew smaller in the distance. They had about ten blocks between Wylma s bar and the OneStop, according to Caleb, which put it at the eastern edge of the Hill. At their current brisk pace they could be there in between five and ten minutes, but with so many nightmare things wandering on the Hill it was still a longer walk then most people ever dared risk after dark. Even Gloria, when she felt at her most adventurous on her beastie hunting adventures, rarely patrolled more than a four block radius from the Sin Depot. Even with her last year or so of experience, she was beginning to feel like she was in over her head on this one. Did Phil know you had that one? Caleb grimaced. No. I didn t want him to ever know about it. Well shouldn t you go back and tell him? Gloria said. Or at least give him a ring on your cell? I think he has a right to know, with his situation. He would just get pissed at me for having it in the first place, Caleb said. But Sue s right there with him. If someone were to use the flute Sue could ignore it. Just trust me, all right? She loves him, and whether I get it or not he loves her. She would never let something make her hurt him. Gloria didn t know about that. She didn t think that Sue s feelings, whether they were real or just a product of Phil s imagination (and Gloria still wasn t sure if a zombie could actually be capable of love), could really prevent the power of the Flute of All Flesh if someone played the right tune. But now was not the time to argue about it. What else was in the bathroom? The only other one you ll remember from your time at the OneStop would be the Pretty Pink Thing. A pretty pink thing? Not a. The. Remember? Oh. Oh dear god, you actually kept that? But you can t even look at it without hideous things happening. Right. So I had it locked in a lead-lined box. Isn t that a little bit of over-kill? I don t think it was that powerful. I didn t want to take any chances that its alldestructive cuteness might leak out. There was also the One Clog One clog to dance on them all, Gloria muttered. That s the one. And the Confused Amulets, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, a plastic baggy full of doughnut crumbs Seriously? Yes, well, they re mystical crumbs. And finally the Bad Penny and That. Twelve items in all. Each one more than capable of massive destruction on a global scale if used right. Guess we re going to just have to hope who ever took them doesn t know how to use them, Gloria said. She didn t add that if the person or thing that had taken them had done enough research to know they were in Caleb s bathroom then they might very well know what to do with them. She had to wonder just how the hell he could have been so cocky with them, but she didn t think she would have done much different, really. Maybe that was what she saw in him. Maybe they had just enough in common and that was why she had asked him out tonight. But no. She knew better. He could sometimes be a bit egotistical and couldn t keep his mouth shut no matter how hard he tried, and not long ago she would have never considered dating a guy like him. He had even hinted in the past that he might want a relationship with her and she had blatantly shot him down. He was the same person now, for the most part. It was her that had been through new and terrible experiences. She was the one who had changed, and she knew she was looking for something different out of life now. She just wasn t very happy about what that something was. During the time they had been talking Gloria had been noticing a subtle change in the neighborhood. They were headed east along Thirteenth Street, and the buildings here were looking more run down and seedy compared to the ones a few blocks west. She knew that, even for what was already a rough area of the city, the eastern blocks of the Hill were considered even less desirable. This was the edge of where the beasties and nocturnally inclined humans called home, but it was still the kind of place many people avoided even during the day. A car drove past them in the street, a cop car. She would probably see several more patrolling this area before she left, but even the increased presence of the cops didn t do much to tame this place. And the whole neighborhood smelled like everyone went outside to piss. Wow, this area s a little intense even for me, Gloria said. She expected Caleb to reply with a snide remark, but he just nodded and replied quietly. I don t like it much here either. This is getting into the sort of territory you and I don t usually cover. Wylma s a lot like our normal people, but the others around here I don t quite get what you mean, Gloria said. What exactly is our normal people? Mystical, Caleb said. As opposed to? You ll see. You should keep your duffel bag ready just in case, but I don t think stakes and holy water will be the best sort of weapons here. Caleb gestured to a building on the corner. This is it. Wylma s place. The building was a squat and ugly one-story structure. The sidewalk in front of it was littered with various pieces of trash, mostly beer bottles and empty cigarette boxes. It had two windows facing where Gloria could see, each with glowing neon signs advertising various beers, but they were covered up with iron bars. The door was plain and wooden with peeling red paint that didn t match the rest of the building s gray exterior, and it vibrated with the thumping of heavy metal music. A faded white sign with red letters hung above it. Gloria raised an eyebrow at the name. The Snake s Sanctum? Gloria said. What an absolutely charming name. Says the woman who works at a place called the Sin Depot, Caleb said. But it s actually quite cozy, if by cozy you mean you ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Gloria looked at him. Be honest. How long have you been waiting to say that? My whole life. Come on. The smell of beer and smoke assaulted her nostrils as she followed Caleb through the door, but that was a scent she was used to from the Sin Depot. In fact, despite the rough outer look of the place, the Snake s Sanctum s interior didn t feel all that much different from her own place of business. The Sin Depot might have attracted a higher class of clientele, but after people got enough booze in them everyone s class was the same. It was a little bit darker than she was used to and most of the people hanging around were a bit burlier, but if the place had just a few girls stripping on the bar then it might as well have been the same place. I know this probably isn t a place you would want to go into, but we ll only be a minute, Caleb said. Why do you think I wouldn t want to be here? Gloria asked. Caleb shrugged. Just figured it would remind you of work, and I know how much you hate stripping. Who said I hate stripping? Caleb looked at her. His eyes were squinted either in an attempt to scrutinize her or out of irritation at the smoke. You don t hate it? No. I chose to do it, didn t I? Had other options and everything. That doesn t seem very progressive woman s lib of you. I ve got an idea. Why don t you just shut the hell up about things you don t know before you make an even bigger jackass of yourself? Caleb held up his hands in front of him as though to say Okay, I m backing off, then turned away and walked towards the bar. She thought about giving him more pieces of her mind, but got distracted as she began to notice more things around her. Despite the quiet state outside as people tried to stay out of the potential apocalypse, this place was jumping. It was a weekday so she wouldn t have expected a place like this to be so packed, but she supposed most people s reaction to an oncoming armageddon was to get drunk. Most of the customers here were men with a few scattered women drifting among them. Almost every person here was in a leather jacket, and most of the men had large amounts of scruffy facial hair. She could have easily called this place a typical biker bar if it weren t for the fact that every single person without exception was wearing a white lab coat under their leather jackets. Several people had blast goggles perched on top of their heads, and one guy in the corner wore a monocle. Gloria caught up to Caleb, stopped him, and attempted to whisper in his ear against the blaring rock and roll from the jukebox. Caleb, is this a mad scientist bar? They prefer the term eccentric scientists, but yes, it kind of is. Biker scientists. What the hell s the difference between a biker mad scientist and a regular mad scientist? Regular mad scientists don t make Harleys that turn into giant war droids. Shit like that. They came up to the bar and wedged their way through the waiting crowd. An older man with one cybernetic hand glared at them. Hey, wait cher goddamn turn! I was here first. The thick smell of whiskey wafted off of his breath. Caleb stood straight and tried to look like he wasn t intimidated, but it wasn t working. All we need to do is talk to Wylma. I don t care. I was here first and you will obey me! I am the future ruler of mankind, and none shall stop me! He started cackling wildly, but his laugh quickly devolved into a series of smoke-induced hacks and wheezes. He continued trying to laugh until he passed out from his drink and collapsed to the floor. Most of the people ignored him and just stepped over him as they passed. Was he serious about trying to take over the world? Gloria asked Caleb. Someone else answered her first. Oh they all are. But they can t really do it when they re drunk, can they? So everything stays happy and shiny! Gloria saw who had spoken from behind the bar, but she had trouble believing that the bubbly tone of voice could have possibly come from this woman. She had short blond hair and was wearing a black tank-top. Although she wasn t exactly fat she still had a decent belly on her, and her exposed arms were covered in tattoos. She had to do a double take to realize the full sleeve tattoos consisted entirely of Disney characters. A half-finished cigarette hung from her lips, and although she appeared to be in her forties her voice didn t have the characteristic rasp of a long-time smoker. Instead her voice had a distinct squeak to it, like a teenage girl on a sugar binge. Wylma? Gloria guessed. Yes I am! You must be Gloria, huh? Caleb talks about you all the time. He does, does he? Gloria glanced over with a raised eyebrow at Caleb, who suddenly seemed to find something very interesting to look at on the floor. Before she could say anything to him, though, Wylma let loose a squeal, leaned her bulk across the bar, and grabbed Gloria in a bear hug. Gloria s eyes went wide at the woman s strength. For a moment it felt like her insides would explode out either end with the pressure, but Wylma dropped her back on the floor after a few moments. Okay, that was random, Gloria said. And a little painful. Wylma blushed. I m sorry. I just feel like you re a kindred spirit, you know? In the whole fight against evil. Um, I wouldn t know anything about that. I just She almost said she just hunted worlddestroying monsters for fun, but she knew that would have sounded weird and lame. Never mind that it was kind of true. I figured you and Caleb would be coming by tonight, Wylma said. Why don t both of you take a seat in one of the booths along the wall over there. I need to finish up something quickly and then I ll be right over. We re kind of in a hurry, Wylma, Caleb said. Don t you think we could just White cataracts suddenly formed over Wylma s eyes, and her perky smile became a snarl. The squeaky voice became a deep, dangerous-sounding growl. I said sit! Gloria and Caleb quickly took a step away from the bar, but in only another fraction of a second Wylma was back to the way she had been before. I ll be right with ya, kay? Caleb grabbed the sleeve of Gloria s jacket and started pulling her away from the bar, but he didn t have to pull too hard. They found an empty booth that was relatively far away from most of the other people and sat on opposite sides. Gloria went to lean forward to whisper to Caleb but had to be careful where she put her hands. The table was sticky with spilled beer. Okay, so now that we re here, mind telling me what her deal is? Gloria asked. Her deal is simply that she is probably one of the most powerful sorceresses on the Hill. Seriously? Her? Doesn t exactly look the part, does she? Come on, you ve been on the Hill long enough to know that judging someone by their looks is a bad idea. Sometimes even a deadly idea. True. Point taken, Gloria said. So if she s so powerful, how come I ve never heard of her before now? Because that s the way she likes it. Keeps a low profile. I wouldn t even know about her if she hadn t taken it upon herself to be my biggest source of information ever since One-Eyed Bobby started getting all shifty. She has some scrying abilities and she can detect when major magic forces are flowing or something like that. There s technical terms for how she knows, but I leave all the mumbo-jumbo to her. So if she s all about magic, then why does she run a mad scientist bar? It s not like she can detect magical evil on people who don t use magic. I guess that s exactly why she does it. Being right here in the thick of them, she can keep an eye on all the dastardly plans or whatever that she couldn t otherwise. But also, just between you and me, I think she hangs around all these guys because they can help get her things for her other business. What other business? The one that made me think she might be able to help us with the syringe. Take a look, but try not to stare. She likes to think she s all sneaky about it. He gestured with his head towards the bar. Wylma had come around to this side of the bar and was talking quietly with a woman. The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out what might have been a wad of cash. Wylma, in turn, reached into her own pocket and pulled out a baggie. It was in the woman s hand and gone before Gloria could really see what was inside, but Gloria got the gist just the same. A drug dealer? Gloria said. But what about all that she was saying about fighting against evil and all that shit? Everyone has a different definition of evil, Caleb said. The both looked away again as Wylma grabbed three glasses and came towards their booth. She sat next to Caleb, then placed a glass in front of each of them. Okay, before we talk, what ll you be having tonight? Just a Mountain Dew, Caleb said. I ll have a Jack and Coke, Gloria said. But go easy on the Jack. We ll probably need to keep our wits about us tonight. Absolutely! Wylma squeaked. She pulled Gloria s glass so it was sitting right in front of her, held both her hands up over the glass, and made a series of complicated gestures with her fingers. Her voice dropped low, and her eyes turned white again. By the wily wankers of whiskey, by the charismatic carbonation of cola, I command you! There was a popping noise, and Gloria s glass was suddenly full. As Wylma murmured something similar over Caleb s glass Gloria took her drink and gave it a tentative sip. It would have been perfect, the exact balance between the whiskey and soda she had been hoping for, except for one strange little detail. Kind of tastes like lemons, Gloria said. Wylma shrugged as she slid Caleb s drink over the table towards him. Practicing the black arts always comes at a price. For some the price is their soul. For others it s everything they make tasting like citrus fruit. That was the price I agreed to when I was given these powers. Doesn t seem fair to the people who lose their souls, Gloria said. Guess they re just not good enough negotiators, Wylma said. But you guys didn t come to talk about that. No, Caleb said. I hear that you already have an idea what s going on. How did you know about all the stuff being stolen from my bathroom? I scryed it in the broken shells at the bottom of a peanut bowl. There had been a time in Gloria s life where that would have sounded ridiculous. Now she simply found herself wondering if the peanuts had been salted or not, and if that would make a difference. Did the shells tell you anything else? Gloria asked. Anything about who did it? Or how? I think so, Wylma said, but I couldn t tell. Have you ever tried to scry the future using peanut shells? It s not nearly as easy as it sounds. Could you try it again? Caleb asked. Maybe some other way that would be easier for you to read? I did. I tried scrying using everything from the change in the register to a puddle of vomit in the men s room. Everything I saw was garbled. I think the problem might be the sheer amount of magic we re dealing with here. If I were trying to find any one of those damned artifacts you had, then I probably could do it no sweat. But wherever they are now, they re still close together. And the magical energy from each individual artifact is interfering with the energy of all the others. It s like taking a whole bunch of different colors of paint, mixing them together, and then trying to identify which colors you started with. To me, it just looks like a muddy brown. Well, maybe you could help us with this then, Gloria said. She pulled the freezer bag out of her duffel and set it on the table. We found it at Caleb s place. Whoever used it apparently ripped the door right off its hinges and then bashed the shit out of it for no apparent reason. Wylma picked up the bag and stared at the syringe inside. Well, I don t really know. There could have been anything in there. There s no real way wait She opened the freezer bag, gingerly took the syringe out, and then held it up to the dim bulb hanging over the table to get a better look. Purple, she said. Well son of a gun. What? Caleb asked. You got something? Maybe. Did you see any claw marks on the door or frame? I guess so, Gloria said. Sure. They could have been claw marks, but not really like any I ve seen. Strong like a werewolf s, but smaller maybe? Wylma asked. Yeah. That sounds about right. Well gosh darn it then. I know exactly what this was. Caleb sat up straight next to her. Well? What was it? It s sort of a super extract. A combination of science and magic. The science is the way it s synthesized and mass produced, but the magic is where it comes from. Basically it s a little bit of all the best strengths of all the common beasties on the Hill. Really? Gloria asked. Like werewolves? Werewolves, yes, but also vampires, fairies, small amounts of extract from zombies and revenants, maybe even elves, a whole bunch of other things that probably aren t classifiable. Taking it can give you most of those things strengths in small doses without too many of the weaknesses. Only drawback is some of those powers don t mesh too well with each other. Causes emotions to sometimes go wild. Blind fits of rage, uncontrolled weeping, that sort of thing. So where would people get it, then? Caleb asked. Wylma blushed. Me. I m the only supplier of it in the entire world, as far as I know. I m sorry. If I d known it would be used for this purpose You re kidding me, right? Gloria said. What other purpose do you think it would be used for? Well, for one thing, it s um it s one heck of an aphrodisiac. Please spare us the details of how you know that, Wylma, Caleb said. Is there any way you could tell us who it was that used this particular syringe? Not really, but it s not like many people out there even know it exists. And it s strong enough that it s not cheap at all. I could count on one hand the number of people who have actually bought it. Could you tell us their names? Gloria asked. Wylma blushed. I m sorry. No. I can t. That would be bad business. Gloria opened her mouth to say something that probably would not have been smart, but Caleb thankfully spoke first. His voice was a gentle tone that she had rarely ever heard from him before. Certainly he had never used that tone with her, even when he was deliberately trying not to be a jackass. Wylma, I know how important your personal ethics are to you, but we can t screw around here. There are twelve items being carried around somewhere out there that can completely obliterate the world. Surely that s got to be more important than keeping your clients names a secret, right? Wylma stared down at the table rather than look either of them in the eye. If I tell you my customers won t trust me anymore. Trust versus end of the freaking world, Caleb said. Weigh it out. For several long seconds Wylma continued to stare at the table. Finally she looked up at Caleb and shook her head. I m sorry. I just can t. I ll help you in any other way possible, but I won t tell you Everything flashed purple and green again, followed by the loud echoing unzipped noise. Gloria blinked and felt a moment of vertigo as she tried to regain some sense of orientation. She now sat on the opposite side of the table. Wylma and Caleb sat where Gloria had been only moments before as Wylma finished her sentence. that they re at the back of the bar, Wylma said. And they ve got all the artifacts with them.Chapter 11 Wylma seemed just as surprised by her words as Caleb was. Wait, what the hell? Caleb said. Someone must have tried solving the cube again, Gloria said. Wylma, what do you mean they re at the back of the bar? Who is? The last people I sold the extract to, Wylma said. She actually looked like she was struggling not to talk, but her mouth kept moving with the changed reality anyway. A whole lot of it, too. Made me nervous, like they were going to try reselling it, but now I m thinking they might have been stocking up for some reason. Something big.And you didn t think to tell us that someone had walked in earlier with every fucking item we ve been looking for? Caleb said. He d tried to be calm with Wylma before, and it had come easily to him when he d been talking to someone other than Gloria. Something about talking to her made his inner sensor turn off so he couldn t control himself. But with Wylma something about her brought out a gentle side in him. She had always struck him as someone who was kind of lost, trying to straddle multiple ways of life without actually being able to belong to any of them. But no matter what he thought of her, he still couldn t keep himself from getting mad at this particular news. Wylma, I mean seriously, what the fuck?No, wait, I didn t actually see them come in with it. Wylma blinked several times, her head cocked as though she were trying to remember something. Except I did. They had a garbage bag, and I saw the hilt of the Omega Sword sticking out of it. Except I didn t.Gloria figured it out before he could. She didn t actually see the bag originally. When the cube changed reality again, she did. They must be sitting back there screwing around with it.Well then what the hell are we waiting for? Caleb asked. He pushed Wylma out of the booth so he could get up. If they re sitting back there with all my stuff then we can just go take it, if we surprise them. No, wait, that s incredibly stupid, Gloria said, but she was getting up from her seat as well. Wylma just said they have a whole bunch of that beastie extract. True, but it has to be prepared first, Wylma said. Like heroin. Cooked and then put in the syringe. They would have to already have some ready, and it would still take some time to inject it. But there s kind of a whole problem with thatWhich ones are they? Caleb asked. The three in the booth right next to the bathrooms. But they re not just oh dang it, what s the word I m looking for? They re that thing when you add stuff to people Caleb didn t wait for Wylma to finish whatever the hell she was trying to say. He would have liked to say that he was pissed off and ready to kick some ass, but if anything he was just really annoyed by now. Truthfully his date with Gloria hadn t exactly started off well, but he thought maybe he could have been able to salvage it, perhaps show her there was more to him than the blustering loudmouth he inevitably became whenever she was around. Instead he had to go after yet another group or person with delusions of grandeur. It was like work, and he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Maybe if he got the artifacts back quick enough he and Gloria could still actually get out and do something vaguely date-like. But just because he wanted to get it over with quickly didn t mean he had to be stupid about it. With the strap of his duffel bag firmly on his shoulder, he unzipped it as he started through the crowd towards the bathrooms. He had lots of things in the bag that might be good against specific threats- wooden stakes for vampires, silver stakes for werewolves, salt shakers for giant carnivorous slugsbut very little that was designed for general threats. In the end he pulled out a cold iron dagger he kept in the event of a fairy attack. A gun would have been more threatening, but he knew absolutely jack about firearms. If he had a gun then the person most likely to get shot was himself. He could hear Gloria and Wylma calling out to him as they tried to shove through the crowd behind him, but he wasn t going to wait. He wanted to get this over with. He wasn t sure exactly who he might be dealing with here, but this wasn t the sort of place where vampires or demons usually hung out. Anything else had to be easier to deal with. He found the three exactly where Wylma had said they were. Only a couple of the overhead lamps in this corner of the bar had working bulbs in them, obscuring them in semi-darkness, and had he not been looking for these three he probably wouldn t have thought twice about them. They looked very similar to everyone else in the bar in typical leather jackets and Harley t-shirts, but none of them had on the lab coats or other mad scientist paraphernalia that everyone else wore. In the seat nearest to the bathroom doors there was a man and a woman. The woman had stringy blond hair and a vacant look in her eyes, a look that was matched by the guy. He had a short green Mohawk and stared down at the empty beer bottle in front of him as though he had never seen anything more fascinating. In the seat opposite them was another woman, but while the first woman looked to have normal proportions this one seemed slightly off, like her arms and legs were slightly too long and muscled. Her neck looked too short, like she barely had one at all, and Caleb wasn t surprise that in order to turn her head at his approach she had to in fact turn her whole body. While her eyes still did not look completely focused she at least had the appearance that she might be capable of some intelligent thought, unlike her companions. None of them had been speaking as Caleb had approached. They just stared like they were waiting for something that wasn t coming. He would have thought twice about going up to them if it weren t for the black garbage bag sitting on the far side of the seat next to the ill-proportioned woman. It was tied shut at the top, but just as Wylma had said he could see the hilt of the Omega Sword sticking out next to the knot. Caleb cleared his throat and tried to think of something witty. This was the point where the hero was always supposed to give some smart remark, but he could never really come up with something in time. Usually he got smacked a good one before something came to mind. Then the perfect line occurred to him, and he smiled as he started. You know, in the time of Solomon, Little Debbie fruit pies were The disproportioned woman didn t even bother to stand as her fist swung up in an arc and smashed him squarely under the ribcage. He had the impression of flying straight up into the air, but that couldn t be right because there had been nothing directly behind him, and when he came down he felt a table and multiple beer bottles jab into his back. The several mad scientists around the table, all men, gave high pitched screams and dashed away. Conversation in the bar ceased as all eyes turned to look at the floor where Caleb had landed, the table now broken and collapsed beneath him. Caleb took a moment to catch his breath, which was hard. It didn t feel like any of his ribs were broken, but every single one of them felt like they wanted to be. Ow, he said. The word came out as nothing more than a ragged gasp. Dammit. Now I can t remember what I was going to say. He couldn t yet do anything more than look straight up at the ceiling, and both Gloria and Wylma appeared upside down in his vision as they leaned down to look at him. Wylma looked visibly worried and upset, but Gloria had a broad smile like she was trying very hard not to laugh. Just to let you know, Gloria said, Wylma remembered the word she was looking for. It s cyborgs. Cyborgs, Caleb rasped. That s a new one. Good to know. He tried to turn onto his side and get up, but an intense pain shot up his back and he couldn t steady himself with his hands without sticking them in broken glass from the beer bottles. A little help here? Both Gloria and Wylma reached down and helped him into a sitting position, and Caleb could now see the back booth again. The strangely proportioned woman had stood up from her seat, and the other two finally seemed to realize that there was a whole world going on around them. They both blinked at the woman, but it was the guy who spoke. Wait, Fluffy, this isn t the way it s supposed to go down, he said. The woman, Fluffy apparently, snorted. We re supposed to keep the bag safe until we get it where it needs to go, right Muffy? Beating the crap out of this little shit seems like a good enough way. Fluffy and Muffy? Caleb muttered to Wylma. Seriously? Sure, I guess, Wylma said. And the smaller woman is Tuffy. Cute. Very cute, he said. Please tell me they have a dog named Scruffy. Caleb, Gloria said, her smile finally gone. I think we need to think of a better plan now. You could be right, Caleb said. He looked around for the dagger, but it had flown off to points unknown thanks to the punch. His duffel bag was next to him, at least. There could always be something inside to help. But cyborgs were a bit outside his normal experience. He didn t have the first clue of how he would fight them. Fluffy cracked her knuckles as she took a step towards Caleb. Muffy, Tuffy, grab the bag and get out of here. Remember the plan and stick to what we talked about, got it? Wylma and Gloria finally got Caleb to his feet as Tuffy reached across the table to grab the bag. Despite their stoned-looking expressions they were quick, and before Caleb could try to stop them they had the bag and were headed down the hall to the bathrooms. Wylma, is there a way out back there? Caleb asked. Yeah, there s a service entrance. Then go after them, Caleb said. Both of you. You can t let them get away. You have to get the bag no matter what. I guess I ll stay here and distract Fluffy. Gloria raised an eyebrow. And how do you plan on doing that? Caleb shrugged, trying not to show any of the fear he suddenly felt at the idea of being alone with a cyborg. Probably by letting her hit me. A lot.Chapter 12 Gloria only took a moment to consider arguing with him. That plan sounded to her like nothing more than a really good way to be turned into hamburger, but they didn t have the time for any typical banter or arguing. With a tug on Wylma s arm she made a beeline for the bathroom hall. She didn t take the time see if Wylma followed, but she thought she could hear the woman moving behind her.As she started down the back hall, which was just as dimly lit as the rest of the bar, Gloria could already see the service entrance Wylma had mentioned. It was beyond both the bathrooms and a door marked Employees Only, and it was closing again after someone had already gone through. That was a bad sign. A normal human, even moving on adrenaline, wouldn t have been able to go that distance that quickly. She wasn t sure which parts of them exactly were augmented with robotic parts and machinery, but apparently their enhancements allowed them to move faster than normal. She didn t have the slightest clue how she was going to stop them. She still had her duffel bag with her, which she had unzipped for easy access as she had rushed to Caleb s side after he d been hit, but she didn t think anything inside was going to be particularly useful. It was a good thing she had such a powerful sorceress with her. Wylma was going to be the only way they could stop this.Right as Gloria grabbed the door handle to shove it open she felt Wylma s hand on her shoulder. You go on after them, Wylma said. I have to stay here. Gloria looked back at the woman. What? No, you have to come with. I can t leave Caleb here like that. Fluffy will pulverize him. He knows what he s doing, Gloria said. At any other time those words might have been accompanied by a sarcastic snort, but for now she had to trust that he really did have the experience for this. She d seen him beat strange odds enough in the past. But Wylma didn t appear to believe it.This is all my fault. I ve got to help him make it right. Right, sure, that s exactly why I need you to come with me! They re too fast for me to stop alone! Then take this, Wylma said. She had already been fishing around in her pocket. She pulled out a baggie with five white pills in it, and she grabbed one and dropped it into Gloria s hand. It s kind of a version of speed, I guess, except literally. Hopefully it will be enough to catch them, and it barely has any side effects. This is a very bad wait, what kind of side effects? Oh nothing really, Wylma said. She was already turning and going back towards the fight. Just sometimes the user turns into a My Little Pony. But if that happens don t worry! It s only for about fifteen minutes. Are you fricking kidding me? Gloria yelled after her, but Wylma didn t appear to hear her as she ran back. Gloria looked down at the pill in her hand. She never did any drugs (well, she did pot, but she didn t do any real drugs), so she wouldn t have been crazy about this even under the best of circumstances. The fact that the pill in her hand was probably the result of some wild magic or mad science made her even more hesitant. But this was not the time to hesitate. It was possible that Tuffy and Muffy were already too far gone for her to catch. If she was going to maintain any chance of catching up, then she had no choice but to take that damned woman s mystery pill. Screw it, Gloria said. I always did love My Little Ponies. She popped the pill in her mouth and swallowed it as she opened the door.Chapter 13 Caleb was still struggling to concentrate through the pain of the first punch. Every tiny movement of his body made him wince, both from the damage of the hit and all the tiny shards of broken bottles that peppered his back, and this was before the real fight had even begun. He had to blink several times as his vision threatened to go black. Damn. He was really screwed this time.The rest of the crowd had formed a loose circle around him and Fluffy, and a few people grabbed any tables that might be in the way and pulled them aside. A chant was just beginning, the people all around saying Fight! Fight! Fight! and thrusting their fists in the air. Mad scientists they may have been, preferring the powers of the mind to the physical, but they had as much bloodlust as any other group of hardcore bikers would after too much to drink. Fluffy smiled at all the sudden attention, and when her lips pulled back Caleb saw that her teeth were nothing but gleaming metal. Perfect. Not only did he have to watch out for her killer uppercut, but he had to make sure she didn t bite him either. One bite could probably sever a hand. He realized how long it had been since he d used the bathroom as he fought to keep from pissing his pants.This was ridiculous. There had to be some other way to take this woman out without actually trying to fight. As much as he would have liked to prove to himself that he was manly enough to take out a cyborg in a fist fight, he was pretty sure that he couldn t even take out a drunk dwarf with no feet and only one hand even on some of his better days. This was why he always kept the duffel bag around and tried to keep his head about him. But he had nothing for this occasion. The duffel bag was at his feet to his left, but he was pretty sure it would be useless right about now.Caleb! He could only barely hear the shout over the growing chant. At first he thought it was Gloria, and he almost screamed at her to ask what the hell she thought she was doing, then he saw Wylma s head as she jumped up to try to see him over the wall of drunken mad scientists. That was even worse. Even with as much respect as he had for Gloria, respect that he only wished he could articulate, he still didn t think she had what it would take to get the bag back by herself.Wylma, what the fuck are you doing? Caleb yelled. Go with He stopped as he saw Fluffy gearing up for a punch. He tried to figure out where the punch would go, but he didn t have much experience with this sort of thing. The only fistfight he had ever been in had been when he was twelve, and it had ended with him nursing two black eyes. Rather than try to dodge the punch or throw something to counter it, he instead pushed off with his feet backwards as Fluffy hit him. It looked to Caleb like she had been aiming for his gut, but his move had the desired effect of throwing her off and it got him in the arm instead. He still felt pain blossom in the muscle just above his elbow, but with his backward movement it didn t have the power behind it that it was supposed to. He stumbled backwards, and several of the drunks around him rushed to get out the way.Okay , he thought to himself, that was good but you can t keep doing that. She ll pound you eventually and something tells me that a good hit from her in the right spot and I won t be getting up from it. So come on. Think!He could hear Wylma screaming, much louder than she had been before, but no one appeared to be listening. Stop fighting in my bar! If you don t I ll make everyone in here sorry! Fluffy either didn t hear her or ignored the woman. Caleb supposed it was hard to take seriously a woman covered in tattoos of Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh, but he had seen her displays of power in the past. When she got angry enough, everyone here would learn not to ignore. But Caleb still had to survive until then.Fluffy swung again, but this one appeared to be more of a taunt than an actual attempt to deck him. He glanced around him, looking for anything he might be able to use against her, but he wasn t really sure what would be effective. All he saw was a bunch of mad scientist guzzling beersHe grabbed a beer bottle from the nearest scientist who was too far gone to try to take it back and backed up further from Fluffy. The crowd around them continued shifting, always keeping the circle around them both, and Caleb eventually backed right up to the bar. He wasn t sure how useful this would be, but it might at least keep him alive until Wylma got her wits about her and kicked Fluffy s ass. Keeping his eyes on Fluffy as she approached, not in any hurry, he grabbed the beer bottle by its neck and smashed it against the bar. He d seen this enough in the movies, where someone would smash the bottle and be able to use the broken bits as a weapon. Too bad he d never had a chance to practice. Maybe he was holding it wrong, or maybe he had smashed it too hard. Either way, instead of forming a sharp weapon with an easy-grip handle the entire thing shattered, including the neck, instantly cutting up his hand.God damn it! he screamed, just before Fluffy landed a punch to his chest. He flew back against the bar, not getting enough air this time to actually go over it, and collapsed next to one of the bar stools. This was going beyond merely painful now to completely embarrassing. He had a reputation at the OneStop of being able to stop the most ghastly creatures that had ever roamed the earth. The possibility of buying it in a mere bar fight was enough to make his cheeks burn in embarrassment. Fluffy took a moment to turn to the crowd and raise her arms in triumph, and the crowd roared its drunken approval. It was almost enough to drown out Wylma s scream for them to stop or else, and maybe there was something in her tone that a few of the people didn t like because one or two glanced nervously in her direction. But for the most part no one was paying her any attention, and they were only barely giving Caleb any either. All their eyes were on Fluffy. Caleb glanced around himself, his sight unfocused from the repeated blows, but he could at least scan his environment for anything that might help.About six feet away, down the nearest side of the circle of onlookers, he found it, but his punchdrunk brain didn t recognize it for what it was at first. His first thought was that he was looking at a hair dryer, and it was entirely possible that was exactly what it had started out its life as. All these mad scientist types prided themselves on their do-ityourself attitude, so of course they would build their crazy inventions from common household items. But most people didn t carry their hair dryer with them to the bar, let alone in a holster at their hip. The woman who wore it hanging from her belt was watching Fluffy, but her gaze was blurry and she didn t look like she was rooting Fluffy on. All the better for Caleb.He stumbled towards the woman, doing his best to make it look he was just tripping blindly over himself in an attempt to stand back up. He didn t really have to pretend that much. Fluffy glanced down at him but didn t seem to think he was any threat yet. Instead she grabbed a beer from someone standing on the other side of the circle and took a deep swig.Caleb did the closest he could come to a whisper among all the racket and still make himself heard by the woman. Excuse me, ma am, but that wouldn t by any chance be a death ray at your hip, would it?The woman blinked down at him with her mouth hanging open. How dya know bout that? Iss supposed to be a secret.All mad scientists have death rays, Caleb said. I don t papreciate that term. I pafer to be called an eshentric scientist, thank you very mush. Sorry. But would you mind if I borrow it? Why the hell wouldya need a death ray? Haven t you been paying attention here? Not really. Could I please just borrow it? It s kind of important. She blinked a couple times at him, then pulled her hair dryer/death ray from its holster. Juss be careful wid it. Hazza helluva kick. He took it from her, then used her arm to steady himself as he pulled himself the rest of the way into a standing position. On the other side of the circle Fluffy had her bottle tilted all the way to get the last drops of beer. Although it hadn t looked like she d been paying attention to him, she must have still realized exactly where he was and what he was doing. The instant he was fully to his feet her hand moved, faster than he could see, and she flung the bottle at him. It spun in the air like a throwing star, and Caleb did his best to duck from it. It clipped his forehead, and he yowled in pain and collapsed to the floor. He only barely managed to keep a hold of the death ray, but he was so dazed by now that he wasn t even sure he could aim it. Mad scientists who were drunkenly cheering on the person trying to kill him or not, most of these people were still more or less innocent, and he had to be careful that when he fired the ray it wouldn t hit anyone else. At the moment, however, he couldn t even be sure if he was pointing the stupid thing in the right general direction. Fluffy laughed as she stepped closer to him. Caleb had fallen forward onto his hands and knees, and the death ray was beneath him where she couldn t see. Maybe she hadn t seen him grab it from the woman, or maybe she didn t think it would be much of a threat, but either way she came at him with no hesitation. With a loud inhuman roar she raised both fists over her head and prepared to bring them down on Caleb s head. If she wasn t pulling her punches at all this time, he was sure this one would be enough to crush his skull. In the quickest, least-wobbly way Caleb could manage, he pulled up the death ray and aimed it up at Fluffy s face. She didn t have the time to look surprised as he pulled the trigger and blew her entire face off. The woman who had given it to him hadn t been kidding: the death ray did indeed have quite a kick. But it was about the kick he would have suspected considering what it did. The muzzle of the hair dryer flashed white, and there was a deafening high pitched echo as a beam of light exploded from it and rammed right into Fluffy s face. Her body stepped backwards from the shock, and the entire bar went silent as the place where her head had been was temporarily obscured by dark oily smoke. The entire room suddenly smelled of charred flesh, and Caleb allowed himself a relieved breath as he waited for the cybernetic body to drop. But it didn t. Fluffy s hands and arms went down, but not dropping like she was dead. Instead they moved to feel where her face had been, and finally the smoke cleared enough for Caleb to see the damage he had done. It had been a solid shot hitting her squarely where her nose had been, but that didn t mean her head had been vaporized. Just all the skin and outer flesh. Blackened bits of flesh sloughed off and plopped to the floor, revealing the structure that had been underneath. Caleb almost expected to see a gleaming silver skull underneath it with glowing red eyes, but that was not the case. The glowing red cybernetic eyes were definitely there, but instead of silver the metal underneath was bright yellow. Instead of a skull shape, her head s endoskeleton was a simple sphere. With the shiny silver teeth now fixed in a permanent rictus, Fluffy s head now looked exactly like a giant smiley face. Well, Caleb, he muttered to himself, have a nice day. He raised an arm up to shield his head as the cyborg once again raised her hands and prepared to smash down on him. Damn it, when I say stop fighting I mean STOP! Wylma s words were in that same low and scary voice she had used earlier, and he didn t need to see her to know that her eyes were probably shining white again. He could hear a dull buzz in the air and smell ozone just a fraction of a second before her spell sent another white flash through the air, this time strong enough to blind both him and every other person in the bar for the space of several seconds. When his sight finally came back to him he realized that, with the exception of Wylma, every single person in the bar was now naked. Including him. Dude, Wylma, he said. What the hell? She didn t respond to him. After a few seconds silence for everyone to realize what had just happened, anarchy erupted in the bar as everyone started scrambling in every direction. Some of the people dashed around trying to find anything they might use to cover themselves up, but most of them were too drunk to think about such things. Instead there was a huge clatter as everyone dropped whatever they had been drinking, the glasses shattering at their feet, and they all ran for the nearest exit. Immediately after the exodus began the screams started, some from the people who fell and were almost trampled, but most from everyone stepping with their bare feet in the freshly smashed glass. As close as she had been only moments before, Fluffy suddenly found a huge mass of people running between her and Caleb, completely blocking any attempt she might still try making against him. Caleb again tried to shield himself, this time against the tide of bodies threatening to crush him where he sat on the floor. After a few seconds, however, he noticed that no one was even coming close to him. There was a slight hiss in the air every time anyone came more than a foot away, and as he noticed the static that seemed to surround him he realized there had to be a magical field of some sort, something Wylma must be casting. He resisted the panicked urge to get up and instead let the crowd surge around him. The exodus was over in half a minute, and as the magical field vanished he stood up. The floor was completely covered in broken glass, and most of the tables and chairs were overturned. Every single person was gone except for him and Wylma, who stood on the other side of the bar as her eyes returned to their normal color and crackling energy dissipated from her hands. Fluffy had disappeared right along with the rest of the crowd, but if Caleb felt any disappointment about not beating her it disappeared quickly as he realized how lucky he was just to have his skull intact. But he was still buck naked. Seriously, Wylma, that was all you could think of to do? he asked. Sorry, she said. Her breathing was labored, and as she sunk down into one of the few upright chairs he could see her eyelids fluttering in exhaustion. I don t usually think straight under pressure, she murmured, then slouched back in the chair. It was only a few seconds later that the sleepy sorceress started snoring, and Caleb was forced to try finding his cell phone and duffel bag without any magical help. It could have been worse, he realized. He might not have clothes anymore, but he did have a death ray. He figured it was a fair trade.Chapter 14 The back door of the Snake s Sanctum opened up onto a long alley full of garbage dumpsters going the length of a whole block, and by the time Gloria was out in it there was no immediate sign of either Tuffy or Muffy. She ran to the open end of the alley and looked both ways. It came out onto Fourteenth Street and ran east/west. East led out of the Hill and into the industrial district, and there was no sign of either of the thieves in that direction. When she looked west deeper into the Hill, however, she thought she could just barely see the two hauling ass at an inhuman pace. If Wylma s pill didn t work there was no way Gloria could possibly catch up.Making sure the duffel bag was thoroughly hooked over her head and shoulder, she started off after them at the fastest she could possibly go. She d never been the athletic type. In high school she had hated everything to do with sports and absolutely despised the cheerleaders, but she had always been in decent shape. She had excelled in academics, but she hadn t been able to go to college and in the end it had been her looks, even if they weren t much, that had kept the rent paid between all her other dead end jobs. So she had to work out to look good when she was topless at the Sin Depot, but what exercise she did during the week was not enough to condition her for this. At top running speed she could probably beat Caleb, but that wouldn t be hard.She d only run a block and already she was starting to think this was a lost cause. She wasn t sure how long it was supposed to be before Wylma s little miracle drug kicked in, but it had to be quick if it was going to do any good. As a pill it would probably take some time. She almost gave up before she really began.Then she started to feel the tickle in her head. It was like a low buzz, and it seemed to her like all the color of the darkened city streets was becoming sharper. The tickle buzz started to spread, first to her stomach, then her limbs. It was like a caffeine overdose, or maybe like she had snorted a whole pound of sugar. The sidewalk began to speed by faster beneath her. She looked down to find that her legs were starting to move too fast for her eyes to register, and the pumping of her arms was moving to match. The Road Runner she was not, but she was at least moving as fast as the two cyborgs.That wouldn t be enough, of course. She had to move even faster if she wanted to catch up. But they at least weren t getting any smaller in her vision.All right, let s do this shit, she muttered, although she instantly regretted it. Her lungs were pumping oxygen into her body at a rate they weren t used to, and she could already feel a dull burning in her chest. Every breath not used to propel herself forward was a waste, and the effort of actually forming words made her chest hurt just a little bit. Oh, she was going to be in some pain after this, but she no longer doubted that she could do it. She was positive that she could run these bastards down.The first two blocks flashed by her in only fifteen seconds or so. She would have been exhilarated, maybe even felt a little high from the drug s effects, if she didn t have all her concentration on the two people ahead of her. She had a sort of tunnel vision and she wasn t sure if that was because of the drug, but she couldn t get herself to care at the moment. She barely saw all the other things around her- the street signs, the lamp posts, the occasional denizen of the Hill peaking cautiously out from side streets as she streaked past. She thought maybe she was gaining some ground, and if she had to estimate she would say the two thieves were only about six blocks ahead of her now. It was only then that it occurred to her that she had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do when she actually reached them. Obviously the fact that they were cyborgs had given them extra speed, but they could very well have extra strength as well. She couldn t just run up behind them, grab the bag, and then call herself the winner. They would try to fight for it.Before she got to that point, however, she had other problems to deal with. Maybe she was making too much noise as she ran or maybe the cyborgs had more senses than she realized, but they both looked back at the exact same time and saw her. Tuffy was still the one with the bag in her hand, and from here it looked like she was the one calling the shots. She made some unrecognizable hand gesture at Muffy, and with uncanny precision they each made a sharp left turn and disappeared down Logan Street. Although her body moved at an alarming rate, her mind seemed to have slowed down. She was almost upon her turn by the time it registered in her head that she had to change direction. She tried to take the turn with the same precision they had, but she was only barely able to keep her footing and almost wiped out. Had they chosen to turn at any other street she might have ended up crashing into whatever building was on the corner, but thankfully for her there was only a parking lot. Three parked cars were directly in her path as she tried to veer around, and rather than try to stop she let her instincts take over and she jumped. She got enough air to land on the front hood of the first one, but she apparently didn t have the footing as she tried to make a second jump and landed shoulder first on the second hood. The side of her face hit next, and she tried to scream at all the sudden pain, but again her lungs refused to let her make more than a pained gasp. She fell off the hood of the car, only vaguely aware of the annoying screech as the car s alarm went off, and landed on her hands and knees. When she looked up she could still see Tuffy and Muffy racing down Logan, but she had already lost valuable ground again. She stood up, took only a fraction of a second to lament the stakes that had fallen out of her duffel but she didn t have time to pick up, then took off once again after them at full tilt.The blocks running north/south on the Hill were all designed twice as long as the ones running east/west, so Tuffy and Muffy had only gained half a block on her again, and she could still see them. And this was an area of the Hill she was more familiar with, too. The OneStop would only be a few blocks to the east of her, and they were heading in the general direction of the Sin Depot. She wasn t sure if the cyborgs were just running in random directions in an attempt to lose her or if they actually had a specific destination in mind, but around here she felt she had an idea of what to expect. This area was more residential, with only a few businesses and a whole lot of apartment buildings, but a few of the streets were still busy even later at night. As the cyborgs crossed Tenth Street she saw them both pull up short and swerve to avoid getting hit by an oncoming car, giving her a valuable few extra seconds to gain on them. They were also in an area where quite a few people she knew lived. If she saw any of them roaming aroundShe thought her luck wasn t going to be that good, but as she gained another half block on the pair she saw a group of young people not too far ahead. She could tell by their wary sort of pack-like grouping and their perfect hair, visible even from three blocks back, that they had to be werewolves. They were just in front of Senator s Park, a small grassy enclosure that took up a good half of a block, but it took her too much thought to realize just who exactly they were. If she were closer she was sure she would see their characteristic plaid bandanas. The Senator Park Lunatics, the best known (and probably only) street gang of werewolves on the Hill.She gritted her teeth and risked trying to reach into the duffel bag flopping behind her left arm. She knew exactly what she needed from it, but it was small and it would be hard to search for it without slowing down. It would probably have settled to the bottom of the bag. The cyborgs were only two blocks ahead of her now, and they were too busy looking back over their shoulders at her to notice the group a block in front of them. The Lunatics, however, didn t have the same problem. Maybe they had just been lazing around moments earlier, but as they saw the two cyborgs coming they all stood up straight and watched the oncoming strangers with interest. If they saw Gloria coming up behind them or recognized her at all they didn t show it.She felt her fingers brush the small metal cylinder she d been looking for and grabbed it, almost fumbling it in her hurry to bring it to her lips. Glancing ahead, she didn t think the cyborgs saw what she was doing as they were suddenly aware of the shaggy group of young punks standing on the sidewalk in front of them. It again took them some fancy footwork to dodge around the gang, and all the gang members- Gloria counted five of them- started yelling threats at them. The cyborgs ignored them, however, and as soon as they were past the park they zigged left again to go down Seventh Street. There was less than a two block difference now, even with the shorter blocks that would be going down Seventh, and if she cut the corner by running through Senator s Park she was sure she could catch up with them. Now was when she would need to make sure she could take them down when the chance came. Despite how tortured her lungs felt as she tried to draw air into them, she put the dog whistle she had found in her duffel to her lips and blew.The effect on the Lunatics was immediate. Even in human form they still had all the sensitivities they would in wolf form, and despite a complete lack of sound to Gloria all five of them bent over in pain and covered their ears. Two actually howled in pain, and even in human form their howls were utterly inhuman. Gloria ran into the park, jumping over a series of shrubs and having to dodge a tree, but she was prepared for the obstacles this time and kept from wiping out. She let the whistle fall from her lips- despite trying to grab it she missed, but she supposed she could replace it easier than the stakesand tried to listen for any sounds that the Lunatics would be following her. For a few frenzied breaths she didn t hear any sounds of pursuit, and she thought that her gambit had failed. Then there was the rustle of grass and bushes as five werewolves, probably partway through a transformation into wolves in order to speed up their pursuit, started to give chase.She came out of the park onto Seventh, and she saw that, despite picking up speed again, Tuffy and Muffy were only about a block ahead of her. Still, she was going to have to be more careful now if she was going to take them on here. Although still part of the massive strangeness that was the Hill, this area was a little more residential and had more individual homes than apartments and businesses. Behind those closed and darkened doors there would be families, many of which probably didn t have the slightest clue what went on in their streets after the sun set. If this was where the fight ended up being it would have more chance of being noticed as something strange. Still, she had to do whatever she had to do.She heard the dog-like panting of multiple werewolves coming up close behind her. If she had the time she would have stopped and tried to explain what she was trying to do before they jumped her, but she didn t. She had to hope that they would recognize her before they did anything drastic.Hey, bitch! the lead werewolf- Fido, if Gloria was keeping all their names straight- said from behind her. She sounded like she was only a matter of feet away from Gloria s ear. Just what the fuck do you think you re doing fucking around with Then Gloria heard the sounds of sniffing, and Fido s words abruptly cut off. Her panting increased, and the sounds of her movement changed towards Gloria s right. She looked over to see Fido come running up right along next to her. Fido would have been Caucasian with light brown hair when she was in full human form, but there was enough hair covering her face now that it would have been hard for Gloria to tell if she hadn t met Fido before. She had overgrown fangs and her arms were stretched out of proportion, the typical look of a werewolf trying to change forms without the benefit of a full moon. She loped along beside Gloria on all fours, and she chuckled when she saw Gloria s face. Hey, she called back to the others. It s that stripper chick. If she hadn t been in the middle of a race to save the world, Gloria probably would have given Fido a piece of her mind for that. She hadn t been joking earlier when she d told Caleb that she wasn t ashamed of her job. There was good money in it, and there was something powerful in being able to command the attention of a room full of horny men. But it pissed her off when that was the only way that people defined her. After all she had done on the Hill she thought she had earned a reputation as something other than just that stripper chick. Caleb was known around here too, but people didn t go calling him that loudmouth clerk. He had a cool nickname, at least.Hey, Fido said to her, you better have a damn good reason for pulling that shit back there. Those whistles fucking hurt.Gloria started trying to say something back, but the two cyborgs ahead of her jagged left on Emerson Street. Gloria was close enough now that she had to make the turn almost instantly, and the werewolves followed. Fido looked her up and down, then looked ahead at the two cyborgs. Gloria had never thought of her as the quickest brain on the Hill, but she seemed to understand quickly enough. Right. I think I got it then. Lunatics, get those two sacks of shit! The Lunatics, all in their half-human/half-wolf forms, surged forward around Gloria as the cyborgs turned right at the end of the block. Even with the enhanced speed of both Gloria and the cyborgs, the werewolves were even faster. Gloria continued to run, but already she knew she could start slowing down. She turned the corner just a second or two behind the Lunatics, cutting across an apartment building s front lawn, but the cyborgs had gained again. Maybe they had added one last burst of speed when they realized something even more dangerous than Gloria was now after them, but it didn t help in the end. Gloria could see as the werewolves pounced, two on Muffy and three on Tuffy. There was a screeching of metal as the two cyborgs hit the pavement of the sidewalk, and Gloria even thought she saw a few sparks. Metal, even when it was covered in thin layers of flesh, would tend to do that when it hit concrete at fast speeds. Gloria winced as the Lunatics all howled in unison at their triumph. In this area attention was something she would have rather avoided.Gloria allowed herself to slow down as she came up to the dog pile ahead of her. Now that she was allowing herself to move at something closer to normal speed she finally felt just how horribly her lungs burned. The edges of her vision were blackening, and she realized she was on the verge of collapse from the lack of oxygen to her brain. After all that she had a brief moment of fear that she was going to die from a stroke or something, and she had to force herself to take deep nourishing breaths instead of the short hyperventilating gasps her body wanted to take. Her limbs felt strange now, heavy and jittery like they wanted to fall off her body yet still keep running at the same time. Wylma s drug, whatever it had been, had worked well enough, but there still appeared to be some kinks in it. Kinks that could be deadly, she realized, if she had tried to continue running. She was definitely going to have to have a word with the woman.As Gloria finally came to a rest by the werewolves, her hands on her knees as she continued with the struggle to breath, Fido stood up and came back towards her. Some of the hair had receded from the woman s face, and she looked more human as she held up the garbage bag towards Gloria.Is this what you were looking for, Strippy? Fido asked, Or is there something else you need from them? She gestured back towards the two cyborgs. Both of their faces were scraped up with bits of metal showing from underneath their wounds, but the fact that they weren t completely human didn t seem to deter the other four wolves, all still in half-wolf form and pinning their two targets down, from salivating at the sight of prone prey.ThatsexactlywhatIwaslookingforthankyoubut Gloria stopped. Apparently her limbs weren t the only thing Wylma s drug sped up, and it didn t appear ready to wear off yet. She tried again, this time concentrating on making her speech move normally. That s exactly what I was looking for. Thank you. But I can t let you do anything to those two. And why the hell not? Fido asked. We just fucking helped you out, bitch. You owe at least letting us snack on those fuckers.I don t owe you crap, Gloria said. Think of it as your repayment to me. Repayment for what? Your memory that short, Fido? For helping you out in that stupid turf war against the Walnut Creekers. What hair was left on Fido bristled at the name. Hey, we didn t need your fucking help with that. We had it all just fine. Gloria glared at her, and despite that Fido could probably rip her limb from limb in the space of a breath, the alpha werewolf still looked away with an uneasy whine. The Walnut Creek gang was one of the most powerful in the city, and they would have completely wiped out the Senator Park Lunatics if Gloria hadn t helped. Fido didn t like to be reminded of that, however. She was still embarrassed that she and her gang had almost been killed by a group of werebunnies. It didn t matter that werebunnies were the most vicious weres in existence, it still just sounded bad. Besides, even if they had done something that I would let you kill them over, Gloria said, I still need to question them, find out what the hell this was all about. What is all this fucking shit anyway? Fido asked as she eyed the garbage bag. Hey, isn t that the Omega? Yep. Can I have the bag please? Fido handed it over, but she did it with a new reluctance. That s all the shit that was taken from the Butcher s place, isn t it? Gloria again resisted the urge to complain about the nickname issue. The Butcher and Strippy. Christ. Yep. That s exactly what it is. Is it related to that phone call, then? Gloria was so busy appreciating that air was once again easily entering her lungs that she almost didn t catch what Fido said. What? I got a strange call on my cell something like ten, fifteen minutes ago. Somebody talking about giving me a whole shitload of power. Gloria looked down at the two cyborgs. Tuffy stared up at her with a whole lot of quiet anger, but Muffy looked scared. Ten or fifteen minutes ago would have been right about the time that she and Caleb had been walking into the Snake s Sanctum. What else did they say? she asked. Some guy said he had things that could give me unlimited power, and that if I wanted any of them I had to be at Leechman Park tonight at three with as much cash as I could carry. Was it this guy right here? Gloria asked, pointing down at Muffy. He struggled briefly, but the two wolves on top of him held him firmly. I don t know. Maybe. It s not like I ve really heard this guy speak yet. All right. Fine. Muffy, what do you have to say? Muffy opened his mouth to speak. Then his head exploded. The movements were so quick and precise that Gloria didn t realize what exactly happened until she was able to put all the images she saw together again after the fact. Tuffy must have had more power left in her than any of the Lunatics had suspected, or else they had let their guard down at the critical moment. Either way, in one quick and quiet burst Tuffy flung her arms up, throwing away the two werewolves that had been holding her down, and then brought one fist down next to her. Her aim was too precise for it to be an accident. She could have only been aiming for Muffy s head. Despite the hardened metal skull that Gloria could see underneath Muffy s skin through his cuts, Tuffy s fist had to be harder. Or maybe there was some sort of self destruct mechanism built into the cyborg. Either way, with the horrid sound of rending metal reminiscent of a car accident, Muffy s head folded underneath the force of Tuffy s blow. Blood, brain matter and bits of metal showered the two werewolves, whom Gloria could immediately see had to fight not to go into blood-scent induced frenzy. The coppery odor distracted all five of the werewolves, in fact, enough that none of them made a move to stop Tuffy as she kick-jumped to her feet and dashed once more down the street to the east. She still had all the speed Gloria had witnessed before, but Gloria didn t think she had the energy anymore to give chase again. Fido whined as she tried to watch both Tuffy and the bleeding corpse of Muffy at the same time. The animal part of her was probably completely confused, not sure whether to give chase to the escaping prey or to start munching on the semirobotic body spilling delicious-smelling blood right in front of her. Should we go after her? Fido asked. Gloria watched Tuffy as she turned down another street somewhere up ahead, and she shook her head. No. I ve got the bag, so I guess we can count this one in the win column. I don t even know what we would do if we got her, but I don t think any of us are in any shape to go after her. In response several of the werewolves whined, looking at Gloria with wide, pleading eyes. You don t need this body anymore then, do you? Fido asked. Gloria looked down at Muffy s corpse. There would have been a time when the thought of letting beasties like the werewolves eat a fresh humanoid corpse would have disgusted her. It didn t matter that this person had broken into an apartment and grabbed a whole bunch of bad juju-type items with the probable intent of ending the world. She still would have hated the idea. But that was before she had seen some of the Hill s crazy world. It was before she had seen perfectly innocent people sometimes die for no apparent reason. After things like that, she couldn t find it in herself to give Muffy any sympathy. Go to it, I guess, Gloria said. Watch the metal parts. They ll probably chip your teeth. And I wouldn t leave any evidence for anyone to find in the morning. She did at least have to turn away as the Lunatics set about ripping Muffy s flesh from his metal endoskeleton. Even she wasn t that jaded. Yet.Chapter 15 The next half hour for Phil after Caleb and Gloria left was interesting, to say the least. The first thing he had to do was bring Sue inside and explain her to Lucas. Phil held the door open for her, and she shambled into the store in that strange little childish way that he found cute. It was as though every time she looked at anything she saw it for the first time. That might have even been true of some things, as her memory was like a sieve. She seemed to recognize faces and people just fine, enough to even make attachments to people like Phil, and she had just enough memory for direction and location to make her way around the Hill. Other things, however, she seemed to forget quite easily. Professionals could probably make many interesting studies of the zombie mind if only people would stop trying to kill them. Lucas wasn t in the main room of the store. Phil put a hand on Sue s shoulder to keep her from going any farther in. It wouldn t do for him to come around a corner and run right into her. He would probably go into a screaming fit.Lucas? You in here, buddy? Come out, I need to explain something to you. Uh, just a second, Lucas said. It sounded like he was in the back room, probably looking for something to repel what he believed to be a zombie invasion. There were some muffled scuffling sounds, and after a few more seconds Lucas became visible in the doorway behind the counter. Did you kill that thing? I m sorry I freaked, but I just He stopped as he saw Phil standing just inside the door with his hand on Sue s shoulder. It s okay, Phil said. She s not going to do anything to hurt you. Or at least not as long as you don t make any sudden movements. So what? She another customer? He started to look relieved, then Phil answered and he appeared to tense up again. Actually, no. Lucas, this is Sue. She s my girlfriend. She s going to be sticking around for a little bit of my shift. Lucas blinked several times. Okay, please tell me you re kidding. Phil sighed. No, I m not. And I would kind of appreciate it if you didn t make any snide comments. But she s, um, she s all nasty and gooey. Hey! She can fricking hear you, you know. Phil glanced over at Susan as though to confirm this. She didn t appear to have heard Lucas at all, actually. She was too busy staring longingly at the Slim Jim rack. Uh, right. Sure. Sorry, Lucas said. So is she just going to be hanging around, or what? Well, since we re so slow I have some business to take care of with her. Oh, Lucas said. He thought about that for a second, and then his face screwed up with disgust. Oh, ew! Please tell me you re not going to do that with her at work! What? I don t oh. Oh, no, of course not, Phil said. But he couldn t make himself look Lucas in the eye as he said it. He would never do that at work, but whenever anyone brought up his intimate relationship with Sue, whether they just implied it or were insensitively blunt, he always felt a strange sense of shame. He shouldn t have had to feel that way about the person he loved. He shouldn t have been treated like what he did with her in private was gross or indecent. But he felt it anyway, and in those moments he hated himself for it. Especially since anyone who had never had sex with a zombie had no idea what they were missing. Look, she s shouldn t be around for too long, Phil said. We re already ahead on our work for the night, so why don t you just take it easy for now. She ll be here for half an hour, forty-five minutes tops. Unless we get a sudden rush, we probably won t have much to do in that time anyway, okay? Lucas nodded slowly, but he kept that disgusted look on his face. He disappeared into the back room again, leaving Phil up front to do what he had intended to do. Phil didn t bother to check on Lucas for the next fifteen minutes. He figured the kid was just sitting in one of the chairs in back. From the occasional low mutterings he could hear it sounded like Lucas might have been talking on a cell phone, but Phil was too busy with Sue to care. The only customer wasn t really a customer, so he didn t need to worry much about manning the register, either. The customer was a local vampire, a grubby looking guy with a large pointy nose that often came around the OneStop, but he never actually bought anything. He just walked up and down the aisles counting things. One, two, three! the vampire muttered to himself. Three cans of Spam, ah ah ah! Let me know if you need any help with anything, Phil said from behind the counter. He kind of felt sorry for the guy. Obviously the vampire had some sort of mental issues, probably Obsessive Compulsive Disorder from the look of it. He was harmless, if a little annoying. Sue stared at the vampire s head the same way she had stared at the Slim Jims, but even she knew better than to try eating a vampire s brains. From what Phil had been told, they tasted gamey. Okay, Sue, just pay attention, Phil said. She was standing on the opposite side of the counter from him, and he had the books he had brought sitting between them. There were three of them, and Phil had just finished paging through the first one. I kind of mistranslated the first book from the ancient runes. Turns out it s actually a cook book. But this second could actually help us out. It could help you talk again. That is what you want, right? Sue turned to look at him. She looked for several seconds like she didn t remember him, and that look always just broke his heart. Sue? Remember we talked about this? I m going to try to find a spell that would grow your tongue back. That s what you want, isn t it? Sue blinked her left eye several times- it was the only one she had left- then slowly shook her head. It was tough sometimes trying to figure out when she actually meant what she said or if she was just confused, but he had to assume the latter for now. Of course she would want to speak again. Who wouldn t? And if he could grow that one part of her back, who knew what else he might be able to fix. So here s what I think we need to do, Phil said. This page right here says that we need an eye of wombat and an ear of earthworm, but from what little I know about this magic stuff I think maybe The store echoed with an unzipping sound, and everything flashed green and purple. The OCD vampire went from counting twelve bags of Combos to the other side of the store counting four quarts of motor oil. there s nothing in this book either that can help us at all, Phil said. He paused, realized what he had just said, and understood that it was now absolutely correct. Goddamn it. Someone used that stupid cube again. Sue blinked both her eyes at him in confusion. Well maybe there s still something in the third book Phil started, then stopped. Something else had changed with the cube s sudden use, but it didn t occur to him for several seconds. His memories of reality as it had been before this last change and after it were jumbled, and the confusion was keeping him from completely grasping what he was seeing. Sue blinked at him again. Still with both eyes. Oh. Holy crap! Phil said. Sue, you you have both your eyes back! She smiled at him. With her lips. They still weren t completely there, but there was more to them than there had been before. Except they had been there before. They d been like that for as long as he had known her. Phil ran around to the other side of the counter and grabbed her by the shoulders. He suddenly remembered something else, something she d had from the beginning and yet hadn t just like everything else. Sue? Can you say something? Anything. She cocked her head and stared at him like he was crazy, but her mouth opened anyway and made what may very well have been the most beautiful noise he had ever heard in his life. Sliiiiiiim Jiiiiiiim. Haha! Phil said, and pulled her close for a hug. He stopped halfway through the motion, however, hesitated, and then decided what he should really be doing. Instead of the hug, he pressed his lips to hers. They were still cold, but they didn t have quite the cracked or slimy feel they d had before (or had never had, depending on how he looked at it). He would have stopped there, except Sue, surprised but still apparently liking the sudden attention, closed her eyes and took it further, doing something she had never been able to do before. Phil felt her lips open ever so slightly, followed by the touch of her tongue. He was too surprised to do anything other than let her continue the kiss. To anyone else the feel of the partly decomposed tongue might have been vomit inducing. To Phil it might as well have been heaven. One! One kiss, ah ah ah! The OCD vampire was standing directly beside them with a goofy smirk on his face. Phil pulled away from Sue and gave the customer a timid smile. Right. Sorry about that. Can I help you with something? The vampire held up a plastic package he had been holding in his hands. Two! Two windshield wiper blades, ah ah ah! Oh, you actually want to buy something this time? Phil said. He tried to step away from Sue, but she continued to hold onto him by the arms. She had that look in her eyes she always got when she wanted to get amorous. As a zombie, her concept of the right time and place for such things wasn t very finely developed. Sue, I need you to let go for now. I need to ah hell. Lucas? Could you please come out here and help this guy? There was the sound of muffled movements from the back before Lucas spoke. Um, I m sort of busy at the moment.What the hell is he doing back there? Phil thought. Masturbating? Could you please just do it? he asked. Lucas grumbled something incoherent from the back, and there were more muffled sounds before Lucas finally came out the door and went to his register. Sue s hands started roaming from Phil s arms to his stomach, and from there tried to go lower. Honey, I know I suddenly got you all excited and I m sorry, but this is most definitely not the right uh. Huh. He backed away from her, but his concentration wasn t on her anymore. He hadn t given Lucas much notice ever since Caleb and Gloria had been by, but now the kid was only a few feet away. He stood at the register ringing up the vampire, obviously not happy about it, and he reached out for the customer s money. Phil hadn t seen it before because he hadn t been looking, but that had been before Gloria had shown him the syringe. Lucas had a small puncture wound in the crook of his elbow right over the vein. Chapter 16 Wylma thankfully didn t stay unconscious for too long. Whatever energy she had expended with her clothing removal spell must have been smaller than it had first appeared to Caleb, but when she woke she still insisted that she wouldn t have the energy to make Caleb s clothes come back until she had something to eat, so in the minutes between Caleb had make do with covering himself up with a series of tied-together bar towels, some of which were still wet with spilled beer.He d turned off the Open signs as soon as Wylma had passed out and locked the doors so no came in and tried to take advantage of the prone situation the bar was in, and Wylma didn t seem inclined to open it back up now that she was awake again. Caleb had tried searching through the mess on the floor for his cell phone, hoping it hadn t vanished right along with the pocket it had been in, but it had been sort of a lost cause with all the glass and debris everywhere. Partly because he didn t want to try walking through it all with his bare feet and partly because, even on his day off, he still felt very much like a convenience store clerk, so he occupied himself by sweeping up and trying to return Wylma s bar to something resembling functional.I really am sorry about this, Caleb said again as he dumped another dustpan full of glass into a trash can. Wylma was behind the bar putting the finishing touches on a simple bar burger, and although she was only about ten feet away she wouldn t look at him. He had figured this was because she was angry at him until she finally answered. You need to stop apologizing. This is all my fault. All of it. I m the one who needs to apologize. Caleb looked up from his sweeping. And how the hell do you figure that? I m the one who started the fight. Sort of.But I m the one who sold Fluffy the extract. If I d been more careful about who I let be my clients this wouldn t have happened.Yeah, what s with that anyway? Why would cyborgs need all the powers of werewolves and vampires and things? You d think they would already have all the power they needed without it. Wylma just shrugged without looking at him, and Caleb shrugged back. Look, whatever, Caleb said. What s done is done. You can t change it now. Well you could if you had that stupid cube, but I really wouldn t suggest it. If we re lucky, Gloria got the bag back and we can all just put this behind us. No harm, no foul. Well, maybe a little harm and foul. He flexed the hand that had held the smashed beer bottle. All the cuts in the palm still smarted, and he wasn t sure if he had gotten all the little glass slivers out. Then there were the cuts on his back, the bruised ribs, the bruise on his arm that he didn t even remember how he had gotten itBut what if she couldn t get the bag back? Wylma asked. Well I guess then you can just help us get it back. It can t be much harder than things have been already, can they? Wylma didn t answer. Caleb left her to eat her burger in silence and continued with his cleaning. He found his cell phone a couple minutes later when it started ringing. Somehow, maybe by being kicked by an escaping customer, the damned thing had ended up underneath one of the booths and Caleb had to crawl on his hands and knees, carefully avoiding all the places that were still covered in glass, in order to get it. He was hesitant about answering it until he saw that the number was Gloria s. Gloria, please tell me you have it, Caleb said as he answered. I have it, she said. Her voice came out in a pained rasp. I feel like I m about to keel over, but I have it. Oh thank the Elder Gods, Caleb said. Are you okay? Well, my skin started turning kind of purplish, but it s stopped so I don t think I m going to turn into a My Little Pony after all. Which is good, because the werewolves would probably eat me. Wait, what? What about you? she asked. Apparently you re still alive. Yeah, but I m waiting for Wylma to give me my clothes back, and I m not really sure where I should put my death ray. Wait, what? I guess we both have some details to fill in for each other, Caleb said. I guess. She paused for a moment before continuing. We could probably fill each other in as we finish off our date. That is, if you re still up for it. Caleb s first reaction was to squee and start jumping up and down for joy, glass all over the floor be damned. What he said instead was, Sure, I guess. Any idea where you wanted to go? Well, I don t know about you but I am freaking starving, she said. I m kind of on the other side of the Hill now, though. Maybe we can meet up at some all-night diner somewhere in between? Caleb looked at the clock on Wylma s wall and winced. Most of the good places to eat would be closing right about now. The bowling alley and some of the bars served food, but none of them offered a chance for Caleb and Gloria to really sit down and talk. There was one place they could go, one of the few places on the Hill that was only open at night and catered exclusively to the unique denizens of the Hill, but it wasn t the kind of place he liked to go if he could avoid it, especially if he wanted to revive some of the romantic notions he d had when the night had started. But it was better than nothing right now. Only place I can think of is the Squamous Nightmare Café, he said. You know where that is? He could almost hear Gloria wince from the other end of the phone, and he had the urge to hit himself for making such a stupid suggestion. So he was surprised when Gloria answered. Yeah, I know the place. Some of the girls from the Sin Depot hang there after our shifts. We ll just have to be careful what we order, I guess. Great, Caleb said. I ll try to be there in like fifteen or twenty minutes. I need to help finish cleaning up here. Sounds about right. I m five minutes away or so, but there s some clean up I need to supervise here, too. See you in a little bit. She hung up, and Caleb stared at the phone for several seconds. Disaster was averted, and his date could still continue. He whooped out loud, which startled Wylma as she polished off her burger. Wylma, I need my clothes back now. I ve still got a date tonight.Chapter 17 Gloria got to the Squamous Nightmare Café first, but she hesitated to enter. It wasn t like the Snake s Sanctum, where someone could tell just by looking at it that it wasn t the kind of place you wanted to enter alone. It looked like a perfectly normal little diner. It sat nestled in between a grocery store and New Age crystal store, both of which were closed at this time of night, and people who saw it during the day probably thought nothing of it. The mundies out there probably didn t even realize there was anything between the two stores. Anyone who looked upon it instinctively wanted to look away, not even acknowledging it existed. Gloria knew from experience that the inside was brightly lit and clean, but none of the angles of the wall looked like they lined up. The inside looked like someone s insane study in non-Euclidean geometry, an obscene and unholy place in ways that the human brain could not comprehend.Also, the service sucked. But it was the closest place that was open, so for better or worse this was where she was going to have to meet with Caleb.She slung the garbage bag over her shoulder and walked in, trying not to wince at the tinny tintinnabulations of the bell over the door (that was another thing she hated about this place, the way it made her want to use ridiculously arcane language and purple prose). The waitress behind the counter, identified by her nametag as Wanda, eyed Gloria warily. Her mouth was overly large and her eyes just a little too close together. She looked like she might have some sort of hideous creature somewhere back in her lineage, or maybe she was just inbred. Either way, she didn t look like she was happy to see Gloria, but Gloria knew from experience that Wanda didn t like anybody. There were three other customers in the diner at the moment, each one of them alone and sitting as far as possible from one another. The one nearest the door had his face hidden in the shadows of a hooded cloak, a cultist from the look of it, and he chanted under his breath in between bites of the $4.99 Egg and Hashbrown Special in front of him. The second customer sat at a stool a little farther away, and he didn t appear to be human at all. In fact, he looked more like the result of a human and a frog mating after too much tequila. From the way the frog-creature swayed on his stool and the cup of coffee in front of it, Gloria had to guess that it was drunk and trying to sober up.The third customer didn t have any food in front of him at all. He never did. In all the times Gloria had been in here she d never witnessed Wanda show any sign that she knew he was here. He was dressed nice enough, if a little old fashioned, and he had a large chin and a balding head. He kept a pen and paper in front of him, always at the ready, as though waiting for any of the customers to do something worthy of jotting down. The only time Gloria had ever tried to engage him in any type of polite conversation he had said a few vaguely racist comments, so Gloria always just did her best to ignore him.She went to the bathroom before she did anything else, and by the time she came out Caleb was there sitting in one of the diner s two booths. When he saw her he waved her over with a hand bandaged in a bar towel, and he looked too tired to show any of his earlier nervousness. That was good. Maybe it would be enough to keep him from sticking his foot in his mouth for the space of the whole meal, although Gloria didn t plan on holding her breath.Gloria started to feel a little bit of nervousness herself as she sat across the table from him. She had known Caleb for a while now, and for most of that time she had not felt any urge at all to date him. Their relationship, even back when she had been working with him at the OneStop, had always been one of slightly antagonistic friendship. She just hadn t been able to see herself in a deeper relationship with him. Of course, that was before all the crap with her mother had finished. She didn t like that something completely unrelated like that could so completely change the way she viewed the world around her, even to the point of seeing her loudmouth former-coworker in a new light. The day she actually admitted to herself that she might now be even slightly attracted to him had felt like some sort of defeat.You look like you were beat to shit, Gloria said as she pulled out one of the menus sitting in the rack behind the ketchup and an ash tray. You don t look like you had an easier time of it, either, he said. Gloria had to nod in agreement. She d seen herself in the mirror while she d been in the bathroom. She looked like the poster child for abusive relationships. Even with the My Little Pony coloring disappearing from her skin the entire left side of her face was still turning interesting shades of blue and purple from where she had hit the car face first. She was going to need bucket loads of makeup before she could go back to work tomorrow.I can t tell you how relieved I am to see you actually show up in clothes, she said. I don t know if you were joking or not about your clothes being missing, but if you weren t I figured you might just show up in your birthday suit for the hell of it.Aw, you re just disappointed you re not going to get to see me naked until later, he said, and as soon as the words came out of his mouth his eyes went wide. Sorry. I wasn t trying to assume anythingYou know, I think maybe I actually understand, Gloria said. It s almost like Tourette s with you, isn t it? Like you have a nervous tick that makes you say stupid crap at the most inappropriate moment. Caleb fidgeted, grabbed a menu, and mumbled something as he opened it. What was that? Gloria asked. His answer was still nothing more than a mutter, but this time at least she heard it. I said only around you.Gloria wasn t sure how she was supposed to respond to that, so instead she just concentrated on her own menu. She d been starving after the speeds her body had been forced to run, but looking at the menu made her appetite lessen quite a bit.I ve never understood why so many things on the menu here have to have tentacles, she said. As Wanda came up to the table she put the menu back. Guess I ll just go right to dessert. I ve have the Pickman s a la mode. Dessert for me too, Caleb said. I ll take the Dreamsicle of Unknown Kadath. Wanda grumbled something vaguely affirmative to them both then left.So I suppose we should compare notes, Gloria said. What exactly happened at the bar after I left? Um, well stuff. Things. Explosions and nakedness. You got your ass handed to you, didn t you? Pretty much. Did you get any clues as to what Fluffy was doing with all the artifacts? Not a one. I was kind of too busy getting my face pounded in. You find out anything? Maybe, but I don t know if that really matters anymore. We got everything back, Gloria said. Did you check the bag to see that everything was in there? Yep. Everything you mentioned was accounted for. We re in the clear. Maybe not completely. It s probably not a good idea for me to be keeping that stuff in my bathroom anymore, not if someone knows now that s where I kept it. Then we can work on some new place to put them, Gloria said. Somewhere no one would look for it. What do you mean we? Caleb asked. Well fine, whatever, if you don t want my help No, wait. Sure. Sorry. Just kind of a reflex on my part, wanting to do things myself. You ve always been like that. Sort of a lone wolf thing always going on with you. What s the deal, anyway? Caleb shrugged and looked down at his hands folded on the table in front of him. I don t know. Or maybe I do. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Yeah. Six. Six? Really? Sure. My parents were strict Catholics. Not big on birth control. Well I m an only child, Caleb said. Mom and Dad were usually too busy arguing over one pointless thing or another to pay much attention to where I was or what I was doing, and I didn t have a whole lot of friends, either. Just sort of felt easier to me to go off and do things on my own than get anyone else to pay attention to me long enough to hang out. Hmph. I guess that would explain a few things, Gloria said. But that s not completely true anymore. What s not? You not being able to get people to stick around you. I m here, ain t I? Wanda came back to the table and set a small plate in front of each of them. Caleb s plate had what looked for all intents and purposes like a normal ice cream bar, but Gloria s looked like sort of a squirming chaos under a scoop of ice cream. When she took a bite of it, however, it tasted like apple. Hmm. Not bad, she said. How s yours? Not bad either, Caleb said, but I m getting a sudden urge to go questing for lost ancient cities. I hear there s a pill you can take for that, Gloria said. There s a pill for everything these days. You know, that s something I don t quite get. People like to have all their problems fixable in convenient pill form. That s just the way it is. Not that. I mean what you just said before about you sticking around and being here. I don t get it. Not that I m complaining or anything, don t think that at all, but why would someone like you actually ask me out on a date anyways? We ve always gotten along enough to not fricking kill each other, but I didn t think it would ever get beyond that. Are you saying you weren t attracted to me? No, not saying that at all. Definitely not. I m saying you never seemed attracted to me. It was Gloria s turn to look away, staring at her dessert as she responded. Things can change. Sure, of course. But they usually have a cause, right? Maybe. Maybe I don t feel like talking about it. Caleb sighed, then took a bite of his Dreamsicle. For several seconds neither of them spoke. At the other end of the diner there was the sound of the cultist burping, followed by a flurry of scratches as the balding man recorded the burp on his paper. When the silence started to feel awkward Gloria finally made herself speak again. You re a loudmouth and you think too much of yourself some times. Caleb looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Yeah. I suppose I can be. Not exactly the sort of thing I ever would have thought you would find attractive, though. It isn t. But you seem to be a survivor too. She stopped, hoping that would be enough explanation. Caleb stared at her for a long moment. From the way his hand rested on the table she thought maybe he was debating trying to reach forward and take her hand. Before he could she took her hand away and used it to pull out her pack of cigarettes. So what changed, Gloria? he asked again. Gloria didn t answer right away. She shook out one of the cigarettes and took her time lighting it. Most restaurants in the city were smoke free now, but the advantage of a place like the Squamous Nightmare Café was that the people in charge of checking on such things tended to stay away. She pulled the ash tray in front of her, took a long drag, then spoke. It kind of feels stupid. Like this sort of shit shouldn t affect me. We see dead things all the time. We ve seen people and creatures die. We ve seen some return from the grave. You then serve them coffee and Froztees, and I give them a show. You d think death wouldn t mean the same thing for people like us, right? Caleb hesitated. He looked almost pained, and Gloria had to suppress a laugh when she realized he was fighting like hell not to say something snide and inappropriate. Strangely, just the knowledge that he was trying meant something to her. I don t think so. We don t really see death. We see un-death. Not the same thing. But we ve seen people die, people who don t come back, Gloria said. Not everyone ends up like Sue, and even the way she is, that s not coming back completely. No matter what Phil thinks he can eventually do for her, the person she used to be is gone forever. Caleb spoke quietly. His voice was almost tender. Gloria, who died? Gloria took another long drag. Somehow she had managed to smoke almost the entire cigarette already, and she pulled out another one which she lit on the remains of the first. It was my mother. Caleb nodded slowly. Part of Gloria wanted him to open his mouth now and let something slightly rude come out, something she could hold against him right now. She didn t want to actually feel grateful to him for paying attention and listening and maybe even caring. He said nothing, and instead Gloria continued. Dad left her for another woman when I was nine. She was the one who raised us. One woman with seven kids. You know how much that had to suck. But I never heard anything like a complaint from her. As tired as she looked sometimes, she seemed to enjoy it almost. Like it was a game she thought she could beat. She continued to act like that even after we were mostly grown and she developed Parkinson s Disease. The funny thing is I never even thought it was a big deal. I mean, she went through her share of crap when she was bringing us up, so a disease that just makes people shake? I thought that would be fucking easy. Except that s not really all it does. That s just what people think it only does. Most people don t realize that it slowly screws up a whole bunch of crap in your body. In the end you end up completely bed ridden, unable to take care of yourself at all. My mother, the one person who would always be able to take care of everything, couldn t take care of herself anymore. Caleb nodded. When did she die? Three weeks ago. My youngest sister and one of my brothers were the ones who took care of her in the end. I couldn t make myself visit her most of the time. I was there at the end, though. It was like she wasn t fighting it anymore. More like she had finally had enough and actually wanted to go. And I couldn t wrap my head around it. Still can t, really. How could she just not want to keep playing the game anymore? Gloria stubbed out her cigarette in the ash tray and let her hand come to a rest on the table. Caleb hesitated again, but this time after a moment he reached out and let his fingers touch her hand. Gloria let him, just for a few seconds, before she no longer felt so comfortable with it and drew her hand away. Sorry, she said. Didn t mean to put a damper on things. No. Don t be. You know, usually I m up for the whole night, but considering how much action we ve already seen tonight, I think I m ready to call it a day. You don t mind, do you? She could tell from the pained look on his face that he did indeed mind quite a bit, but he didn t actually say it out loud. No, not at all. Did you at least want me to walk you home? Gloria bit her lip. Actually, she didn t. Seeing much more of him tonight would just be a reminder of things she didn t want to feel. She didn t want to feel like she needed anyone right now. She wanted to feel like she could handle things on her own. But she didn t want to just push him away, either. This had hardly been the greatest first date ever, but she wasn t adverse to the idea of a second one. The strange thing was she had actually enjoyed herself tonight. Maybe having him along a little bit longer wouldn t be so bad. Sure. I guess. She grabbed the garbage bag as Caleb paid for their food, and he let her go first out the door as they left. She noticed the bald guy writing furiously between glances up at them as they were going, almost as though he saw something important that had passed between Gloria and Caleb that they had not. Whatever. The damned writer was a creepy wacko, anyway.Chapter 18 Gloria s apartment was just over two blocks away from the Squamous Nightmare Café, but Caleb had been afraid it would still take too much time to get there and they might run out of things to say. Silence to him felt even worse than having it filled with his trademark verbal mistakes. To his surprise, though, they were able to fill up the whole walk there with plenty of pleasant if meaningless banter. All the while, though, he continued to dwell on the fact that this was the end of their date. And the end of a date was traditionally supposed to include a kiss.He honestly had no clue whether or not that was going to happen tonight. Truth be told, he had been on much worse first dates in the past that had ended with a kiss (and considering this date could have resulted in the end of the world, that was saying something), just as he had been on better ones that hadn t. But on this one he cared more than usual. Somehow, in the time since he had first worked with her at the OneStop, his mild little crush on Gloria had grown into something more. Not love yet, most definitely not, but a certain genuine affection. Also a whole lot of lust, he supposed, but he didn t think anything along those lines was going to happen tonight. If it was just a kiss, he would be more than happy. Gloria s apartment building wasn t too much different from his own except for the two extra stories on it. They continued with the meaningless chatter up the steps to the building s front door, and it was there that Gloria stopped and gently set down the garbage bag. They stood in front of the door, both no more than a foot away from each other, and that was where the awkward pause finally came into play. Um so Caleb said. He felt absolutely silly for this feeling, like he was a teenager finishing the end of his first date. Tonight kind of sucked a little. How about we try it again some other time? Maybe, Gloria said. She looked away as though she had to think about it, then shrugged. Probably. But not right away. I guess I kind of realized something tonight. I ve got a few issues I need to deal with. And I need to deal with them on my own. Now who s the one with the whole lone wolf thing going on? Right. Point taken. So we ve got that much in common, huh? But I just need to deal with things. I guess I can deal with that, Caleb said, but he didn t really agree with his own words. We ve taken this long just to get here, I supposed it doesn t really matter if it goes on for longer. And I just need you to realize it might go on for a lot longer, Gloria said. I m not even sure if I m comfortable yet with giving you a kiss good night. Caleb s shoulders sagged, but he couldn t say he was at all surprised. Right, I get it. The sexual tension is just going to keep building over each new adventure we have together, with all kinds of little things happening in between to get in the way, misunderstandings and such, until eventually we finally give in long after we should have done it to begin with. Gloria smirked. You ve done this before, huh? No, I just read a lot of book series. Gloria smiled, then turned away from him as she pulled the front door keys from her pocket. Well, good night. Reality unzipped. The air flashed purple and green. Caleb was naked in bed next to Gloria. He was on his back, his breathing ragged. He turned to his left and looked at Gloria, his eyes going wide at the site of her nude body tangled in bed sheets he didn t recognize. Except he did recognize them. They were Gloria s, and he had seen them as they were desperately trying to get each other s clothes off. And then other things had happened. A whole lot of things. A few of them he didn t even know how to spell. None of it had happened. And yet it all had. They both bolted up straight in bed, looked each other in the eye, and said the same thing at the same time. Oh shit.Chapter 19 On the way to Caleb s apartment before work, Lucas had passed a dead werechipmunk carcass in an alley with a tire tread on its burst stomach. He had taken it as a good sign. He knew the Hill s secrets, and the neighborhood was afraid of him.Of course, that delusion hadn t lasted long. The Hill wasn t exactly afraid of him at all. Its buildings, its denizens, its general spirit, they all thought of him more as a joke than anything else. That was because this place, these people, defied the natural order of things. They thought they were above and better than the real world. It was exactly that sort of cockiness that would bring it all down. By the time he was finished with all the ridiculous and dangerous indignities of tonight s shift, all the beasties throughout the Hill would be truly and utterly afraid of him.Which made the indignity all the worse as he had to wait for an OCD vampire to pay him for a pair of windshield wiper blades with nothing but a baggy full of pennies. That asshole Phil just stood there staring at him with whatever the hell that thing was next to him. He was a cocky son of a bitch too, but at least he didn t have the slightest clue what was really going on here. All plans were still going along exactly as they were supposed to, and that subhuman clerk could do nothing but stand there and play the patsy.Three hundred and fifty-one, three hundred and fifty-two! Ah ah ah! Three hundred and fiftythree!The vampire continued his counting, and Lucas did everything he could not to start screaming at the creature. As much as he hated this, it would be better if he continued to act like just another clueless and slightly lazy convenience store clerk. Caleb had mentioned to Lucas last night about how fast word could travel among the low-lifes here, and he had already learned tonight just how true that was. If he skipped out of work now it might get around. Questions might be asked and all the wrong people might make all the right connections about what was really going on. It was best to hide in plain sight right here in the middle of it. As much as he wanted to leave already and start celebrating what could only become a great victory, he had to hunker down and remain quiet until closer to three a.m.Lucas felt something buzzing in the right pocket of his cargo pants. The pants were a little out of style, but he d needed all the extra pocket room tonight considering a few of the things he needed to try shoving in there without anyone being suspicious. He thought at first that the buzzing was from one of those extra items, and he almost screamed. He d been careful about which ones he had brought with him, but it was still possible that one of those things buzzing could mean he was about to die a very horrible death. After a few seconds and about ten more pennies counted out on the counter, though, it occurred to him that all he was really feeling was his cell phone. Shit. This was not good. Any call he got now was probably one he really needed to take, but he couldn t do it without ditching this brain-dead retard of a customer and therefore looking suspicious. It was going to have to wait a few more seconds. Or even a few more minutes at this rate.On the other side of the counter Phil leaned over to the zombie and whispered something in its ear before leading her over towards the bathroom and the other door to the back room. He was probably off to do something sexual with the corpse, and the thought churned Lucas s stomach. That was the way everyone around here was, just doing horribly deviant things without any thought for decency or the natural order.It might be a good thing that Phil was going to be occupied in the back room, however. As soon as Lucas was sure he was gone out of earshot, he put a hand down on the pennies strewn across the counter. Let s just assume you have enough here, right? The vampire looked up at him like Lucas had just kicked him in the balls. But there are three hundred and ninety-one! Three hundred and ninetyone pennies! That is not enough, no no no!It s good enough. Just take your stupid fucking wiper blades and get the hell out of here. No, I must continue counting the pennies. Three hundred and nine-two, three hundred and ninety-three Lucas had spent a lot of time on all his plans for tonight. It had required a level head and absolute assurance that he would be doing the right thing. It had required a massive amount of patience. Patience was something he d always been able to cultivate. It had always been necessary to keep all his seething rage from coming out to the surface. He was good at keeping a straight face to cover up all the anger. With a quick swipe he lashed his arm out across the counter, the pennies flying everywhere in a shower against the startled vampire. I said leave, Lucas said. He just barely managed to force his voice to stay in a whisper, but the vampire finally got the hint. He grabbed the wiper blades and rushed out the door, leaving Lucas staring after him with a grimace on his face and his muscles tightening as he tried to keep from throwing something. He took a moment to breath and try to calm himself down. This wasn t the first time tonight he had simply lost control of himself, but he supposed it was better this time. At least this time there had been something he could point to as having set him off. Early he had just destroyed Caleb s door for no reason after ripping it off its hinges. He supposed that might very well be a side effect of the extract he had taken. The extract was a thing of wild magic and science that shouldn t exist, just like so many other things on the Hill, so he supposed it wasn t too surprising when there were interesting side effects. It was something he was going to have to be careful with if he had to use it again. Lucas looked behind him at the door into the back room. It was halfway closed and he couldn t hear anything from the other side, but Phil at least wasn t coming back out. Now would be the moment where he could call back whoever had tried to contact him, but it would be better if he wasn t right where Phil could still hear him if he came out of the back room. He went around the counter, pulling his cell out as he went, and started towards the back cooler. The front door opened on his way there, and a wild eyed man with frizzy gray hair poked his head inside. Lucas had to do a double take before he registered that the man was completely naked. Excuse me, I don t suppose you guys sell pants here? His breathing was ragged like he had been running. Lucas was too dumbstruck to give anything more than a straight answer. Sorry, no, but you would think after the last couple days they would think to start. I m sorry, I don t quite understand what you mean. Nothing. What I mean is no shirt, no shoes, no service. I fully plan on taking care of those things after I solve the pants problem. Are you sure you don t sell pants? Pretty sure. Now go away. The man grumbled as he closed the door, and Lucas tried not to stare at the fully nude man through the glass door as he walked away. Lucas would have thought after all the many years he had spent on the Hill, after all the horrible things he had seen, he would be used to stuff like this by now. Maybe there were just some things that nobody could get used to. He took one more look over his shoulder at the doors to the back room before he went into the cooler. The cooler was a long room that ran the length of the store, mostly containing large stacks of soda and various drinks. At the far end where they kept all the milk Lucas could see out past the racks of food through the glass doors and out into the rest of the store. From here he could keep a pretty decent eye on the store s front door as well as the door to the back room, but someone on the other side would have to be really looking for him to see him hiding back here. The racks of milk and Lunchables and whatnot covered him pretty nicely. It was probably a better place to do something private than when he had been making phone calls in the back room, but would have looked more suspicious. Lucas pulled his cell phone from its pocket, stopping long enough for another nervous check to make sure that the other three items he had brought with him were still there and, hopefully, were not about to eat his soul. That was unlikely, as he had specifically picked three that would be more or less easy to carry around yet would not be dangerous in any accidental way. He was happy but not surprised that Phil apparently hadn t noticed any of the tell-tale bulges from the pockets. The penny was not an issue at all, but even in the overly large pockets of a pair of cargo pants someone should have been able to see the shapes of an amulet and a Rubik s Cube. He had been counting on Phil to have seen so much around here that such details wouldn t strike him as important, and so far he had been right. Lucas groaned as he checked the missed calls on his cell phone. The incoming caller had been marked simply as T. She wasn t supposed to be calling him at all. If she was, then either she was more incompetent than Lucas had initially thought or something had gone wrong. He hit redial and waited as the phone on the other end rang. It was picked up during the second ring. Yeah? a female voice answered. You re a fucking idiot, Tuffy, Lucas said. I told you not to call me unless it was important. It is important, boss. They found us quicker than we expected. How the hell did they find you already? You were supposed to be leading them on a chase all over the whole Hill. Fluffy wanted to stop at the Snake s Sanctum for a beer. They just walked right up to us. Okay, two things. One, why the hell would Fluffy want a beer? She doesn t even have an esophagus anymore. There s nothing in her throat except a bunch of wires. And two, I told you guys straight up that was probably where they would go first. I ve been keeping a close eye on these two specifically so I could learn exactly that sort of information, and you don t even bother to listen? She didn t answer right away. There were several bumps and mumbles from the other end, some sounds that might have been a minor scuffle. Lucas could hear shouts of Let me have it! and No, I was talking to him! Get your own cell phone! Lucas rolled his eyes and then nervously peaked out at the rest of the store. A customer had walked in, but there was no sign at the moment of Phil. Crap. He didn t want to go out there just yet. He had a feeling that his minions still had more important things to tell him. Could you please just hurry up and get one of you overgrown air conditioners on the phone already? he said. The scuffling on the other end stopped, and another much deeper voice came on. Boss, I m sorry. It was just force of habit from when I could still eat and stuff. I just had the hankering. You haven t needed to eat or drink anything for over a year now, Fluffy. That s no goddamned excuse. So they found you. That s not great, but it still doesn t merit a call. You knew what you were supposed to do. Yeah, but there was some more problems. More brief scuffling from the other end, and then from a short distance Lucas could hear Tuffy s voice. She stopped to fight the guy. What s his name. Caleb. Lucas clapped the hand not holding the phone to his forehead. He was starting to get a headache, and he was feeling the strange desire to shoot up with that extract again. I told you not to bother trying to take them out. As idiotic as the guy may seem, he s got a reputation. And I don t know enough about the girl to know if she s dangerous. You were just supposed to run, keep them occupied. Get them as far away as possible until three a.m. Is that really so fucking hard to understand? No boss, but I just wanted to have a little fun, you know? Beat the crap out of him for a little bit. I had Tuffy and Muffy run with the bag just like you said. No, I said all three of you were supposed to run with the bag. So what s the status now? Well, I had to get out of there as soon as my clothes disappeared. Okay, the headache was really getting bad now. That might explain a little bit if I actually wanted to know. So what s the status with you three now? There was a pause. Actually, it s just the two of us now. What? Where the hell did Muffy go? More scuffling and mumbling, this time accompanied by Here, you take the phone! and No, I don t want it! You wanted it so bad, you keep it! The scuffling started to sound a little more violent until finally Tuffy s voice came back. Um, sorry boss. I kind of sort of maybe had to kill him. Ish. What? He was about to talk! That stripper chick had cornered us with werewolves or something, and it was bad enough she had the bag What?! When we ran she did something that made her able to catch us, and she took the bag. Muffy didn t get a chance to say anything before I stopped him and escaped. The headache was making it hard for him to think now, but he had to try. Fluffy and her crew had never been intended as anything more than a decoy, and the bag had only been there to add authenticity, but he had done his best to make all the things in the bag hold up to inspection. It had been easy enough to put fake versions of some of the artifacts in the bag. Rubik s Ultimate Cube, for example, didn t actually look any different from an average Rubik s Cube. Some of the items he had needed to fabricate purely from the tales he had heard since he had never seen them, such as the Omega Sword, and he had to hope that no one looked too carefully at them and caught all the little errors he had inevitably made. At least one of the mystical artifacts he had found in Caleb s place, the bizarre bag of green glowing crumbs, he hadn t even been aware existed, and he hadn t had time to put fake ones in the bag. He d had to rely on his moronic crew to finish with that. Please tell me you at least put the additional stuff in the bags I asked, made those extra changes to make everything more realistic. Done, Tuffy said. We did the best we could with the amount of time we had. And you put the remaining real ones where I asked? Absolutely. You re sure you didn t screw up at all? Boss, have at least some faith in us. We want this all to go down just as bad as you do. Maybe even more. And please tell me you didn t try to use any of those damned things? Didn t touch them. But apparently you tried to use the ones you took with you. Yeah, well, the first time was because I panicked. The second time I didn t have a choice. So what do you want us to do now? Lucas sighed. I m not sure yet. No matter how much attention we paid to the details on the fakes, they ll have to figure out eventually that they don t have the real artifacts. And when they do I bet the first thing they ll try is coming here for information. I might be able to do something about them if they do, but in the mean time I might have to adjust my plans. You mean our plans. Our plans. Keep your cell phone nearby. I ll call you with anything I come up with. He hung up and stared at his cell for several seconds. He could see out of the corner of his eye that the customer that had come in was standing up by the counter, probably wondering where the hell the two clerks were, but Lucas couldn t care less. He didn t care about the customer, or Phil, or the store, or any of the other God-forsaken abominations on the Hill. Very soon Lucas would be done with this place, and by around three-thirty many of those things and people would be dead or destroyed anyway. Whether or not the customer had to wait didn t matter in the slightest. What did matter was that he adapt his plans quickly. As much as he hadn t wanted to draw that sort of attention this early, it was time to start thinking about maybe killing the employees, both past and present, of the OneStop Mart Convenience Store. Chapter 20 Sue didn t seem to know nor care why Phil had pulled her into the back room. She had started off trying to be amorous and pull at Phil s clothes, but she had quickly become distracted and fascinated by the hole in the floor by the mop sink. Occasionally Phil would hear moaning and various strange sounds coming up from it at the darkest times of the night. Sometimes the noises sounded like the screams of the damned coming up from Hell. Other times it sounded like Teletubbies. The Teletubby noises had more of a tendency to give him nightmares than the damned, but either way it wasn t pleasant, and Phil didn t like to listen when that started. However, the noises coming up from it tonight (they sounded suspiciously like knock-knock jokes) would be enough to keep Sue occupied while he tried to think. And oh boy, did he have something to think about.It was possible Lucas was just a junkie. Drugs, even the mundane variety, were common enough on the Hill, and while having a junkie as a coworker was not the most desirable option, it was still a hell of a lot better than the possibility Phil was coming up with now. Caleb and Gloria had found a used syringe at Caleb s apartment, and now he had seen Lucas with a needle mark in his arm. It could have been a coincidence, but Phil was not so dense as to really believe that.Still, it wouldn t do to just jump to conclusions. There could be some other explanation. And besides, Lucas didn t seem like he was even capable of that kind of thing. From what Gloria had said, the person who had ripped the door apart at Caleb s had been especially strong, and Lucas had shown every sign of being a complete weakling. But he could have had help, or whatever he had injected might have made him stronger. Yeah, now that he thought about that it made sense. It would have been the reason that he would have needed to inject right there instead of doing it somewhere else. But that could only mean that the stuff in the syringe had to be magical in nature, and up until last night Lucas hadn t had any clue that such wild crap even existed.Unless he was lying about that, Phil said. He turned to Sue, not that he expected her to understand what he was talking about, but he felt the need to speak and work this out aloud, and talking to her at least provided the illusion that he wasn t talking to himself. In fact, whoever broke into Caleb s place knew to go right to the bathroom. I wouldn t even have known that. So he must have been watching Caleb for a while, right?Sue continued to stand by the hole in the floor, but she at least appeared to be paying attention to him now. In fact, she almost looked like she had something to say. What is it? Phil asked. You figure out something I haven t? Sue s partially decayed face screwed up in concentration. Phil heard some sort of noise from up front like change scattering all over, but he ignored it. Sue s mouth started working as though she did indeed want to say something, but her limited brain functions were keeping her from saying it. Come on, honey, I know you can do it. What do you need to say? She did the closest she could manage to a smile as she finally got it. Knnnnnock knnnnnock. Phil sighed. Okay, so maybe she didn t have anything to contribute after all. From the hole in the floor something that sounded like a cross between a demon and a squirrel asked her who was there. Phil started to pace as he tried to go over the problem in his brain. That was why Lucas had been late, he realized. The son of a bitch had waited until Caleb left, and then immediately afterwards must have Cuuuuube, Sue said. The high-pitched voice from the abyss asked cube who, but Sue ignored it. Cuuuuube. Phil turned to look at her. The thing from the pit started gibbering in anger that Sue apparently wasn t playing anymore, but the noises quickly trailed off into quiet again. Cube? Phil asked. Sue nodded. It seemed to take an incredible amount of concentration on her part to stay this focused for this long, but she was managing. Cuuuuube. Cube as in Rubik s Ultimate Cube, Phil realized. If Lucas had stolen all the artifacts from Caleb s place, then there wouldn t have been any way that he would have been able to bring them here without anyone noticing, or at least not all of them. He could still have brought a few, though, and the cube would have been able to fit nicely enough into those out-ofstyle cargo pants Lucas had been wearing. Phil thought back to the two times so far tonight when reality had suddenly rearranged itself with the cube s help. He thought for a second that Lucas couldn t possibly have used it the first time, as he had been standing right next to him in the parking lot when Caleb and Gloria had come by. Except Lucas had been gone when reality shifted, hadn t he? He d panicked when Sue had shown up and made himself scarce. Had he expected the cube to magically make the big bad zombie disappear? Phil couldn t be sure on the why, but Lucas definitely could have been the one to do it. The second time, too. That was when Lucas had been alone in the back room. Maybe the second use of the cube had had something to do with phone calls it had sounded like Lucas was making. Everything fit. He couldn t really deny it now. Lucas was the one that had stolen everything. Phil couldn t even begin to guess at the reason why, but here on the Hill no one ever seemed to have a very good reason for all the possibly-world-destroying things they did. All it meant was that the bad guy was right here in the store, and Phil could stop him pretty easily. Of course, the smart thing to do would be to call Caleb or Gloria first. Just in case Lucas was capable of putting up a fight, it might be a good idea to have some back up. Phil pulled out his cell phone and went through his list of contacts until he got to Caleb s number. He was about to push the dial button, but then he stopped. He d told Caleb he would call if he found out anything important, and this sure as hell was important, but he found himself not completely inclined at the moment. For some reason he thought back to the day before and the way Caleb had just shoved him into this shift with Lucas. If Caleb had just done what he was supposed to and thought of anybody but himself then Caleb would already be here trying to handle this. He probably would have left later from his apartment tonight, too, so maybe Lucas s plans on breaking into the apartment would have been different. Maybe none of this would be happening, but it was now simply because Caleb had thought of himself before anyone else. It was a petty way of thinking, and probably flawed. Phil knew that right away. That was not a good reason not to call Caleb. In fact, not calling Caleb right now could very well be dangerous if Lucas had more tricks up his sleeve than Phil was aware of. But the truth, now that Phil thought about it, was that he really didn t know much of anything. He had plenty of circumstantial evidence that Lucas was the one who had done it, enough that Phil himself was convinced, but there was still more he could learn. While Lucas obviously had the cube and maybe a few other things from Caleb s bathroom, there were also things that Lucas most definitely did not have with him. The Omega Sword, for one, was not something Lucas could hide so easily, and there were probably many more things too large to shove into all of Lucas s pockets. Phil could still pretend that he didn t know anything and maybe find more things out. Even if he wasn t able to get any more tidbits of information about what was going on, he could at least keep an eye on the guy. If he called Caleb and Gloria up and the two came rushing in here ready to stake someone then Lucas could very well run, taking the knowledge of the other artifacts hiding place with him. He put his cell phone in his pocket. This could potentially be exactly the right thing to do. Or it could be completely wrong. Didn t matter now. He d made his decision. Phil looked at Sue again. It was disorienting now to look at her. The changes to her actual face were subtle, but there were changes. But of course there weren t changes. With reality altered because of the cube that meant that her face had always had this level of decay, despite his memories to the contrary. He now remembered her face in two separate sets of memories, each set wrong and each set right. But that didn t really matter. What mattered was that she could speak and she could see him with both eyes. For whatever reason Lucas had used the cube the second time, Phil actually felt like he needed to be grateful. He went over to Sue and put his hands on her shoulders. She looked him in the eyes, but he couldn t be sure how lucid she was at the moment. Okay, Sue, listen to me. We can t say anything to Lucas yet about the cube, got it? She cocked her head. He didn t think she understood. We need to keep it a secret. We can t let him know that we know he has the cube, understand? She blinked several times, then nodded slowly. Was she trying to concentrate on his words, burn them into her memory so she wouldn t forget or slip up? Or was she simply nodding because she thought that was what he wanted her to do? Sometimes he really wished he could get into her head and understand how she saw the world. Okay, well I guess that s good enough, Phil said. We re going to go back out into the store and act as though we know nothing. I d ask you to keep your eyes out for anything I should know, but you probably wouldn t even know what to look for. She cocked her head in the opposite direction. A noise came out of her throat and nose that sounded suspiciously like a derisive snort. Phil had to smile. From up front he heard a customer calling out for a cashier. Right. I guess you ve already shown you can pay attention, huh? So let s go.Chapter 21 Phil came back into the store proper from the door immediately behind the counter to find that Lucas was nowhere to be seen. That was a very bad thing, but he didn t think Lucas would have just up and left the store. He could be outside, or else he could be back in the cooler. In either place there was work that could be done, giving Lucas a convenient excuse as to why he would be there, but Phil thought it more likely that he was up to no good. There were some pennies on the counter, and when Phil got closer he could see that there were a whole lot more scattered over the floor on the other side. He had no idea what that was about, but even with bigger problems on his mind Phil flinched at the idea of having to find and clean them all up.The customer waiting at the register was someone Phil recognized but didn t know by name, a guy with long dark hair and a soul patch on his chin. He tended the bar at Stubby s Bowl-a-Rama and always came in at his quitting time for his a Froztee and a sub sandwich from the deli case.Hey, Phil said, doing his best to sound calm and normal. And truth be told, having a coworker who was a thief of world destroying artifacts wasn t too far away from normal at all. How s things going tonight?Weird, so business as usual, the guy said. He put his purchases on the counter and pulled out his wallet.So what s going on out there tonight? Phil asked. Well I m assuming you already know all the talk about Caleb s troubles. I know at least the news from up to a half hour ago. Why? You hear anything new going on out there since then? There s the naked people, but that s about it. Naked people, Phil said. As far as strange things go, that s pretty tame around here. I think they re naked mad scientists, if that helps you with your weirdness quota, the guy said. Huh. I guess it would. Any idea why we have naked mad scientists running around? Not sure, but from what little I heard it started at the Snake s Sanctum. Phil nodded. That could only mean the handiwork of Caleb and Gloria. They d been gone for just over a half an hour and they were already somehow evaporating people s clothes. The thought occurred to him that if their own clothes had been evaporated, too, or whatever else might have happened, then they might get a little distracted with other more personal things. Not exactly something he wanted to think about, but now that the image was in his head it wouldn t go away. If you see any of these naked mad scientists nearby, could you send them this way? Phil asked. I should probably hear what they might have to say. Will do, the guy said. As he walked out the door Phil could see a couple more people coming across the parking lot. Whatever Caleb and Gloria had done, it appeared that the rest of the neighborhood thought it was a good sign. Everyone would be coming out and going about their own business again, which meant that Phil was going to need Lucas to get his butt back at the counter and help, whether he was the bad guy or not. Phil went around the counter and started down the last aisle towards the cooler door, just in case that was where Lucas was hiding. Before he even got there the door opened and Lucas stepped out. Phil did his best to sound only mildly annoyed at Lucas s disappearance. What the hell were you doing back there? There was a customer up here waiting. Sorry, Lucas said. I was just restocking the soda like you showed me yesterday. You could have at least waited until you cleaned up whatever mess that vampire made. Come on. Clean it up quick, cuz we got a whole bunch of customers on their way in. Business was steady for the next half hour. They still had another two hours before the bar rush should have started for the night, but apparently with the Snake s Sanctum cleared out its customers had filtered over here earlier than usual. Most of them, thankfully, had found something to cover themselves up, although a few of their replacement clothes were a little odd. One extremely overweight man came in dressed in a pink tutu, but he didn t seem too embarrassed about it so it was possible it was just his normal clothing. Several of the customers claimed their wallets and cash had disappeared right along with their clothing and tried to get Phil and Lucas to give them things for free. When the two clerks refused, many of them said that Phil and Lucas would regret this once the mad scientists took over the world and made them pay for this transgression. Phil was less than impressed by most of these threats. A few of them did still have money, however, and these were the ones who stuck around long enough to let Phil in on what had happened at the bar. He would have preferred to hear these tales where Lucas couldn t hear, but there was no way around it. The stories confused Phil at first, specifically the part about the two cyborgs running off with a bag full of mystical artifacts. Maybe they were the ones who had the items that Lucas hadn t brought with him. Of more interest was the fact that Lucas apparently had three cyborgs helping him. He didn t know yet what had become of any of the cyborgs, and no one was yet able to tell him what had happened to Gloria after she went chasing after the two cyborgs or anything about Caleb following the bar fight. He was sure they were both alright, but with the knowledge that Lucas had more people out there helping him it suddenly felt much more important now that he call Caleb and give him the heads up. He should have done it earlier, he now realized. But he still couldn t do it while Lucas was standing around watching, and he couldn t excuse himself while there was a rush going on. That would have just been suspicious, and unprofessional to boot. So he had to wait. People, both human and not-so-much, continued to come in. It was right at twelve after twelve, when the number of people in the store had dropped enough that one person alone could handle the registers, that Phil said he had to go use the bathroom. It was as good an excuse as any to get off by himself. It was also the reason things went spiraling completely out of control. Lucas didn t appear like he knew anything was wrong when Phil went into the bathroom. Phil locked the door behind him and pulled his cell from his pocket again, and this time there was no hesitation as he hit the button to dial Caleb. The phone on Caleb s end didn t even ring, however. It went right to voicemail. Shit. That could only mean he had his cell phone turned off, but why would he turn it off? He had known Phil would call him if he got any important information. Maybe Caleb hadn t thought Phil could get anything important. That wasn t a possibility Phil wanted to consider, but it sounded like something Caleb might very well think. Nobody but Caleb could be the model employee, despite the fact that Caleb was the one who had blown off the work. Phil tried to put that idea aside as the voice message service beeped. That kind of thinking was just paranoid and self-serving. It did nothing to change the situation. He had to remain optimistic and hope for the best from Caleb, even if his confidence in the guy might be wavering. Caleb, Phil said into the phone, keeping his voice low in case anyone might be able to hear him through the door. It s Phil. You ve got to call me back the instant you get this. I m almost positive Lucas is the one who broke into your apartment, and I think he has Rubik s Ultimate Cube with him. I m not entirely sure what s going on with you guys and the cyborgs, but just call back. No wait, I might not be able to answer. Better yet, get over here and make damned sure you re armed. He hung up. Maybe it would take a while before Caleb got the message, but hopefully nothing important would happen in the mean time. That hope already seemed dashed the instant he stepped out of the bathroom. There were three customers in the store, a young twenty-something couple and a really short guy who did not appear completely human, but none of them were moving about checking the shelves as they should have been. Instead they stood staring nervously at the space directly in front of the registers. Lucas had made his way around the counter and was standing near the magazine racks, his lazy and slightly nervous demeanor now gone. Instead he had an angry snarl on his face as he slowly backed towards the door. Sue stood in front of him, staring at him. Phil couldn t see the look on her face from this angle, but from her posture she looked like she was ready to shamble after him. Stop right there! Lucas yelled as Phil tried to approach. Just don t fucking move. Whoa, hey, just hold on, Phil said. He held his hands up in a halting gesture and tried to make his voice seem calmer than he felt. He didn t have the slightest clue yet what might be going on here, but he knew that the last thing he wanted to do right now was spook him. Just tell me what s going on. Your fucking corpse girlfriend here is what s going on, Lucas said. Tell her to back the fuck off. Now. Phil cautiously moved closer and put a hand on Sue s shoulder. Honey? I don t know what you re doing but you should Cuuuuube, she said. Her arm went out and pointed at the largest bulge in Lucas s pockets, the bulge Phil had been pointedly trying to ignore for the last forty-five minutes. Phil winced. Apparently she hadn t understood what he d been trying to tell her at all. Why does she keep saying that? the girl-half of the couple asked. Her voice didn t sound too worried, and from what Phil could see she appeared to be stoned. Good for her. That way she might not have any clue how much danger she could be in just now. I shouldn t have just assumed you were too stupid not to figure it all out, Lucas said to Phil. He reached into his pocket, and the short humanoid tensed up before Lucas pulled the cube out for everyone to see. It didn t look any different from a normal Rubik s Cube, and the short guy visibly relaxed. He even went back to browsing among the bags of potato chips. Phil, however, started trying to think of ways he could get behind the counter to his duffel bag. A silver stake might work, but he would have trouble explaining to the special police why he had attacked his coworker over a toy. I don t know what the hell you re trying to accomplish, Phil said, but things have a way of going bad for anybody who tries doing this kind of stupid crap around here. Set the cube down and maybe you can get out of this with just a minor asskicking. Oh, I know all about what goes on around here. Have for a very long time. Lucas put his second hand on the cube and twisted it. Phil took in a sharp breath, but nothing happened. None of the colors had lined up with each other. And I know all about how all those things I took work. Do you? He turned the cube and twisted another side. The noise it made as the side clicked into place was very loud in the silence, but still nothing else happened. Have you noticed how the changes in reality work? They have to do with whatever you re thinking or doing at the exact moment reality shifts. Just stop, Phil said. A thought suddenly came to him. He didn t have any weapons from his bag immediately at his disposal, but that didn t mean there were no weapons at all. He squeezed Sue s shoulder. If you don t I ll get Sue to come after you, and you don t want that. I ve seen what she can do when she s motivated, and it s not pretty. I m sure it isn t, Lucas said. Gee, whatever shall I do? All I have is the cube, the penny, and one of the amulets. He stopped and smiled at Phil, a malicious and knowing smile. If only I had brought the flute instead of the penny. He twisted the cube again. Phil saw two of the yellow squares line up, and he tried to concentrate, try to make whatever change was about to happen work for him, but he couldn t think of any change that might help him. All he could think of was how dangerous Sue could be when she was sicced on a person. Maybe The sound of reality unzipping echoed throughout the store, and everything flashed with bright colors. The girl vanished and her boyfriend didn t even seem to notice. The short guy grew an inch as he tried to reach a bag on chips on the top shelf. And there was a flute sticking out of Lucas s pocket. Phil suddenly remembered it being there all night. He remembered wondering what the hell it was there for, just as he remembered wondering why Lucas had made the effort to hide it from Caleb when he had come in. It didn t completely make sense that Phil wouldn t have asked about it, but apparently the cube didn t always need its new reality to make sense. Lucas put the cube down on the counter and grabbed at the flute before Phil could ask what the hell was going on. Lucas put the flute to his lips and started playing. It was difficult for him to figure out at first, having never heard the song played on something as incongruous as a flute before, but the song Lucas started playing sounded like Another One Bites the Dust. Sue started shaking beneath Phil s hand. Honey? Phil said. He looked at Lucas, but he was completely ignoring Phil now. It looked like it was taking all his concentration to keep from screwing up the song. Sue s shaking got worse as, with a series of lurching and forced steps, she started to turn around. Sue, what s wrong? Her eyes were shut as she turned to face him. She had that look again like she was trying to concentrate on doing something. Or maybe concentrating on not doing something. Lucas, what the hell are you doing to her? Lucas was slightly late on a note, and for a moment Sue stopped shaking. Phil backed away from her as the shaking quickly started up again. Sue? Are you okay? Please say something. Her eyes opened, and there was none of that gentle child-like curiosity he usually saw there. Her face just looked blank as she opened her mouth to speak and started shambling towards him. Braaaaaiiins!Chapter 22 Gloria threw the sheets aside and jumped out of the bed. This was her bedroom in her apartment and a quick check showed that everything was exactly as it should have been. Except, of course, for the fact that she had just had sex with Caleb. Oh no way, she said. She backed away, staring at the rumpled sheets, the thrown-aside comforter, and Caleb s naked body among it all. Her first instinct was to look away like she didn t have any right to see him like this, except that was ridiculous. She d been seeing him naked for the last fifteen minutes. In fact, she had been doing a lot more than just looking.But she hadn t. Just a few seconds earlier she d been standing at the front door explaining exactly why this was not going to happen. She looked down at herself and her complete lack of clothing and wondered whether or not she should try covering herself up.Caleb jumped up, too, and he seemed to have the same confusion over whether or not it was appropriate for her to see him like this. Oh my god, I swear I didn t do anything. Really. Or at least um I did but I didn t.We did, Gloria said. The new memories of a new reality swam up clearly in her memory. It didn t make complete sense, but she remembered how after she had pulled her hand away from Caleb in the café they had hurried back here. The sexual tension had been too great, and they d had to act on it. Except that hadn t happened at all. It all made her very, very dizzy.Oh holy crap we did, Caleb said. He put his head in his hands for a second. He swayed a little where he stood, and Gloria realized she wasn t alone in being dizzy. The change this time had affected them more than the last two. When he looked back up at her there was a grin trying to pull at the edge of his lips. And it was amazing, too.Gloria looked at him as she tried to sort through the dual memories. Maybe it was her disorientation or maybe it was anger at the unexpected and unwelcome change, but she couldn t make herself lie at the moment. No, not really.Wait, what the hell do you mean? That was Hold on for a second and focus, alright? She couldn t look at him anymore. This wasn t his fault at all, and despite the fact that he hadn t been that good she had still enjoyed it. But that didn t change the fact that she hadn t wanted this to happen at first. She had wanted to take her time. And now she wanted someone to blame. She stooped down and started rooting through her clothes on the floor. It was the cube. It had to be. But it couldn t be, Caleb said. He stared at her for a moment then started looking around the room. Neither of us touched it, right? Unless it somehow got twisted or turned when you set the garbage bag down? No, even if that were likely it would have happened as soon as I set it down. Except I set it down like a minute before the change happened. Or I guess technically you set it down earlier than that. It would have been before we started um you know. Where did you put the bag down? She almost said it obviously had to still be in front of the door outside, but that wouldn t be true anymore. She searched through her fuzzy halfformed memories and tried to remember. In her new memories she hadn t been thinking too much about the bag. Instead she had been more intent on getting Caleb s clothes off. She blushed, but it wasn t an unpleasant memory. Just one she wasn t supposed to have. Um, maybe I set it down when we came in the door? Caleb tried to rush out of her bedroom while putting his boxer shorts on at the same time and almost tripped himself. Gloria at least waited until she had her underwear and bra back on before trying to follow him. In the living room she found Caleb hunched down next to the garbage bag, exactly where she had dropped it next to the door. He stared into it for a second without saying anything. Well? Gloria asked. Shit, he said. Shit, shit, shit! What? What is it? I should have checked! I should have fucking checked! He stood up and flung the bag around to spill all its contents on the floor. There weren t any lights on in the living room, only ambient light from the street lights outside coming in through the windows, so Gloria couldn t see much of it. But everything had been there. She had checked twice earlier. I don t get it. Whatever you re seeing, it s too dark for me to tell, she said as she walked over to the nearest lamp. But that s just it, Caleb said as she turned on the light. You couldn t see. See this? He stooped down and grabbed one of the items, the plastic baggy full of doughnut crumbs. The doughnut crumbs are supposed to be mystical. The doughnut they belonged to was made in a bakery built on an ancient Indian burial ground. They glow. Or at least they re supposed to. Gloria stared at the bag, then looked down at all the other items scattered all over her floor. Oh. Aw crap. She stooped down next to them and gave them a closer look. Of course she didn t know what most of the items were supposed to look like. A few she had heard stories about and one or two she had actually seen during her time at the OneStop. She grabbed the Omega Sword and held it up for closer inspection. There was an inscription on the blade, instructions on how to use it to take over the world. But the words were rough around the edges, like someone had taken a previously existing sword and attempted to etch the words in. When she looked at where the hilt met the blade she could see something else, some mark that wasn t supposed to be there, but she had to hold it closer to the light to see it clearly. In very tiny words it said Made in China. They re not real, she said. None of them? Doesn t look like it, Caleb said. He grabbed the Rubik s Cube and gave it a few twists. Gloria instinctively cringed, but she knew what to expect. Caleb lined up colors together several times, but nothing happened. Gloria in turn grabbed a six inch by six inch lead lined box and undid the clasp. When she opened it she should have become entranced by the thing inside, a thing that was supposed to kill her if she looked at it for too long. Instead all that was inside was a piece of a pink boa. It may have been a pretty pink thing, but it wasn t the Pretty Pink Thing. They were playing us as suckers, Gloria said. Those damned cyborgs were just acting as decoys. We re completely screwed, Caleb said. Gloria stood back up and started to pace around the pile of fake artifacts. She should have checked closer. If she had just taken a closer look at the sword when she d caught up with the cyborgs then she would have known and they could have continued looking. But now valuable time had been lost. While she and Caleb had been off finishing their date Tuffy and Fluffy had gotten farther away with the real artifacts. They could be anywhere now. Anywhere at all. Or at least they could be at the moment. Later, however, she thought she knew exactly where they would be. Leechman Park at three a.m. she said. Caleb looked up at her. What? I didn t mention it before because I didn t think it mattered anymore. But Fido, the leader of the Senator Park Lunatics, she said that someone called her earlier. That someone said he had things to sell that could give people a lot of power, or something like that. He said she should meet him at Leechman Park at three a.m. He? It was a guy? Yeah, but we couldn t be sure if it was Muffy or not. Tuffy killed him before he could say anything. Why would she kill him? My guess is maybe he was about to tell us that these were all fakes. So Fluffy and Tuffy, we know where they re going to be but not exactly what they re planning on doing. This Fido, did she say she was going to buy it? I don t know. Fido s got some leverage on the Hill, but there are others with more power and more money. So what do you want to bet that she wasn t the only one who was offered a deal? No, I don t think I ll take that bet, Caleb said. What time is it now? I don t know, Gloria said. She ran to the nearest clock in the kitchen then came back. 12:25 We ve got about two and a half hours then. Time to prepare. Prepare for what? Gloria asked. We still don t know exactly what they have planned. Nope, but if we just grab everything we ve got we can get to Leechman s Park and start scoping it out. We should talk to Phil first, Gloria said. See if he found anything out. We ll just call the store, Caleb said. But I don t think he ll have anything to tell us. He would have called already otherwise. Either way, Gloria said, we need to get ready and get moving. They both went back into the bedroom for their clothes. Caleb immediately started rounding up everything they had scattered in their haste to get to the bed, but Gloria stopped for a moment and looked at the bed. Caleb saw her staring and stopped what he was doing. He approached her hesitantly but still kept some distance. So um I suppose we should talk about this, he said. She supposed so as well, but she didn t have the first clue what to say. The last twenty minutes or so had been rewritten in a way she had not wanted, and she hated that someone had done that to her. But it wasn t at all like the experience had been bad. Caleb sure as hell wasn t the greatest of lovers but But Caleb had been her lover. One way or another, she had willingly taken him into her bed. Now she just had to figure out if that was really what she wanted in the future. I m sorry, Caleb said. You have nothing to apologize for, Gloria said. I wanted it to happen, but I wanted to wait at the same time. This doesn t change anything, do you hear? We re going to pretend like it didn t happen and reality went on exactly as we had originally planned. Caleb didn t look entirely happy with that, but he hadn t looked happy either when she had said she wanted to wait while they were at the front door. But to his credit, and completely against his nature, he didn t say anything. He just nodded. Okay, then let s get going, Gloria said. She gathered up her own clothing and then sat on the bed as Caleb reached into his pants pockets and pulled out his cell phone. Oh, I forgot about that, Caleb said. What? Gloria asked. I turned off my phone after you called because I didn t want us to be disturbed at the Squamous Nightmare. He pressed a button and it came on. Oh crap. I ve got a message from Phil Gloria finished dressing as he listened. The look on his face as he heard the message was enough to tell her that they needed to get the OneStop immediately.Chapter 23 Phil backpedaled away from Sue as her arms came up and reached for him. She took another step towards him, but it was hesitant and shaky. He could tell she was trying to resist whatever Lucas was doing to her, but she wasn t strong enough.Braaaaaiiins! she said again. He moved away faster, suddenly thankful for the first time for her slow movements. He hadn t been kidding when he had said she could do nasty things when she was motivated. He d once seen her crush the skull of a demon and scoop his gray matter out all because Caleb had told her Phil would go out with her if she did. Phil wanted to tell her that if she ate his brains now then the dates would stop, but something told him that wouldn t help much.Phil backed into the deli case and looked around for anything that might be able to help him. The two customers stood where they had been earlier, still staring at the scene. The guy with the now-vanished girlfriend seemed just as stoned as she had been, and Phil didn t think he was going to be of much help. The short one, although not quite as short as before, was once again paying attention, and he at least had the sense to look worried. He held a bag of Lays in front of him as though it was a shield and he slowly backed down the aisle. Not much help from him either, apparently. Lucas didn t stop playing the flute, and from what little attention Phil was able to give him he appeared to be struggling. Maybe he didn t have all that much practice with the instrument or maybe he had to concentrate on what he wanted Sue to do at the same time. Either way, if the slight slip-up in the song made him lose some of the control over Sue like it had a few seconds ago, then maybe that was where Phil should be concentrating his own efforts.He ran to his right, past the nacho bar and the Froztee machine to get around the counter. Sue followed, moving slower than normal, as he ducked down below the counter to get his duffel bag. He unzipped it quickly and accidently sent a shower of stakes and books and various small magical warding devices flying everywhere. There was nothing inside, however, to hold off a zombie. He d kept such things with him once upon a time, but ever since he had started seeing Sue that had just seemed wrong. There were a couple of silver stakes for werewolves, though, and he grabbed one of these and stood up. Sue had stopped just short of following him behind the counter, her body still shaking as what she wanted to do apparently conflicted with what she was being forced to do. Lucas had taken a few more steps towards the door, still with the flute to his mouth and the song still going. He was approaching the end of the song, and Phil had to wonder what would happen when he finished, but he didn t intend to let Lucas keep playing for that long. He jumped up on the counter, or at least he tried. His foot caught on the edge and he tripped, falling face first over the other side and pulling one of the registers with him. He hit the floor and the register crashed and broke open right next to him to shower change all over his prone form. Lucas was still close enough that the change flew and bounced at his feet, and as Lucas shuffled back he made a note on the flute that sounded wrong, something just slightly too high. At the noise Sue let out a loud groan, but Lucas continued and she quieted.Phil tried to get to his feet, moaning at the new pain in his ankle. It felt like he might have twisted it on the counter. He d intended to jump on it and then back down with plenty of time to hit Lucas and force him to stop the song, but that plan had messed itself up quick. Now he wasn t even sure if he could run from Sue if he had to.Lucas stopped as the song came to an end. Phil half-expected Sue to suddenly come to her senses, but she was shambling back toward him again, moaning about his brains. Phil tried to pull himself to his feet again, and this time at least made it to his knees. Lucas continued backing away for a few feet then stopped, and the angry grin on his face disappeared as he looked at the counter. Phil didn t follow his gaze at first, instead trying to keep all his attention on Sue. Her slow shuffling walk was slowed even further as she tried to move around the broken cash register. Most of it was made of heavy plastic that had withstood the fall, but the drawer was out and various pieces made the floor in front of her treacherous to someone who didn t commonly pick up their feet when they moved. The silver stake was still in Phil s hand, but he didn t think he could use it on her. A stabbing wouldn t have worked, anyway. She wouldn t feel the pain, and she wouldn t be stopped unless the stake went right into her brain. He tried to think of any other way to stop her, any way that would not involve killing her again, but his mind was frozen.He didn t realize what Lucas had been looking at until he made a sudden lunge at the counter just over Phil s head. Phil s first instinct was to try to move away from Lucas, but as he looked up at the counter over him he saw something bright hanging just over the edge. The cube. Lucas had almost left without the cube.Phil lashed upwards with the silver stake as Lucas reached for it. The stake didn t do much more than graze Lucas s arm, but Lucas still pulled his arm back and screamed like he was in childbirth. Phil reached up and grabbed at the cube himself just as Lucas tried to grab at it again, and instead of either one of them getting it they simply managed to knock it aside. Phil pulled himself up using the counter for balance, but Lucas hit him with a punch to his kidney. Phil chuffed at the pain but still managed to grab for the cube again. It had been pushed to the far side of the counter, and when Phil s fingers touched it he accidentally pushed it farther away, making it slide just enough that it went over the edge and hit the floor on the other side. Shit! Lucas screamed. You, dead bitch! Kill him already! Phil was still trying to reach across the counter as Sue s clammy hand fell on his shoulder. He started to turn around and look at her, but she yanked him aside and off balance. Phil slipped in the change on the floor and fell to his knees again just as Sue stepped closer to loom over him. The stake was still in his left hand, and she was close enough and slow enough that he thought he could probably shove it up into her eye before her strange undead strength could rip his skull open. He knew it was the only way now. Whatever effect the flute had on her had not worn off once Lucas had stopped playing. She was still under Lucas s control and there was no way he knew of to break that control. He could either kill her (or rather re-kill her) or she would kill him.And he couldn t do it. He looked up into her eyes, the eyes he would have to stab through to get at her brain, and he didn t see the blank and empty eyes most people saw in zombies. Even if he didn t physically see any sign that she recognized and knew him as the man who loved her, she was still that strong survivor type that had continued to show traces of itself even after she was in her grave. He couldn t be the one to do it. No matter how bad it got, he would still rather she killed him than he killed her. Her head moved down so her mouth was only inches away from the top of his skull. Her mouth opened wider as one more moan came out of it. Braaaaaiii Phil closed his eyes and waited for her remaining teeth to tear through his flesh. The moment never happened.He opened his eyes after a few seconds and looked back up at her. She had stopped as she brought her head down closer, and her entire body was shaking again. Her eyes weren t just staring thoughtlessly ahead anymore, but instead met his own as he looked at her. A few more seconds of shaking, of trying at the same time to kill him and back away from him, and a single tear went down her cheek from the right eye, the one that hadn t even existed at the beginning of the night. At the sight of the tear Phil felt like weeping himself.Oh, honey, thank you, he whispered. Something large and heavy hit him across the back of the head. It wasn t enough to make him black out, but his vision flashed with bright blue colors and he fell forward, only barely missing both Sue and the magazine and gum racks on the front of the counter. He groaned and tried to concentrate on the sounds around him, but there was too much going on to make much sense of it. He could hear Lucas screaming and Sue moaning, and another voice talking, maybe into a cell phone, but his head was too scrambled to do anything with any of this information just now. All he could think of was how Sue could have just killed him, how she was probably being forced by magical means to do so, and she hadn t.If there was any greater way to prove that she loved him as much as he did her, then he didn t know what it was.Chapter 24 Caleb and Gloria ran all the way from her apartment to the OneStop Mart, both with their duffel bags in hand as well as a sword for Caleb and a crossbow for Gloria, and it was much more exercise than Caleb had been prepared for tonight. Several of the cuts on his back and hand broke open on the way (although it was possible they had broken open during that other exertion he d just been through, whether it had really happened in this reality or not) and he was bleeding a little when they finally stopped. He had to double over and lean his hands against his knees as he tried to breath, but Gloria didn t seem to be having the same problem. Maybe after her earlier run her body didn t think this one was much to write home about. Caleb, however, felt like he was ready to die.There was no time for resting when they got to the store, though. They both stopped across the street and stared at the cars in the parking lot. Both of them had seen these kind of cars before. There were two plain four-door sedans, completely lacking in anything resembling personality and detail. They were intended to be inconspicuous, but in a place like the Hill inconspicuous was the most conspicuous thing you could be.Shit. The cops, Gloria said. Caleb was too out of breath to say anything in agreement. They weren t just cops, they were the special cops. Their job was to patrol the Hill and take care of any of the problems that didn t fit too well on a proper police report. When non-human bodies that needed to be picked up and placed somewhere that a mundie mortician couldn t see them, or when there were dead people from obviously non-mundy means, these were the people that came and picked them up. Caleb could only hope that there weren t any bodies inside tonight, or at least that none of them were Phil s.Gloria jogged across the street, Caleb following as closely behind as the stitch forming in his side would allow, and they slowed as they walked across the parking lot to take in the details. From the outside there didn t appear to be anything out of the ordinary, which at least meant no one was going to have to clean up giant dead armadillo bodies tonight. Gloria gestured at her crossbow and Caleb s sword, then pointed around the corner of the store where they kept the garbage dumpster. Caleb nodded and they both stashed their weapons in old milk crates next to the dumpster before moving to go inside. If the cops were here then it might not be the greatest idea to run into the store armed.The thing about the special secret police was that they weren t supposed to attract the attention a normal officer would. Whoever came up with that idea apparently didn t realize that by the time the special police were called it would already be too late to avoid unnecessary attention, but that was still the rules the special unit went by. That meant that while the store would have been closed while they went and did their business if they were the normal cops, it had to stay open without any police tape or even locked doors. The result was that Caleb and Gloria could just stroll into the store as though nothing was going on, and so could any other customers. The fact that one of the two cash registers was on the floor with money still strewn everywhere didn t deter people from coming in to get their late night snacks or smokes. A line of five people had already formed waiting impatiently for Phil to check them out. They were going to be waiting for a while, though, as a cop was questioning Phil and he couldn t actually do what he was supposed to at the moment. Another cop was questioning one of the customers, what looked like a slightly too-tall leprechaun to Caleb, and neither of the cops seemed to be having much luck.He was kind of, like, yay tall, the leprechaun said to his officer as he held up a flat hand and moved it up and down. The person he was describing could have been anywhere from three feet to five feet tall, and Caleb knew that if he was describing Lucas then he was still off. Beady eyes. Looked like the kind of guy who would kick a sloth, but only if the sloth could do really terrible things with bamboo shoots. Caleb actually felt some disappointment in himself that he actually understood what the leprechaun was trying to say. The police officer, on the other hand, looked thoroughly confused.Caleb and Gloria moved over towards where Phil was standing answering questions, but Phil didn t seem to notice them at first. He was holding a hand to the back of his head and didn t seem to be seeing much of anything at the moment.Could you tell me what his last name was? the cop asked. No, I never asked him. For all I know Lucas might not have even been his real first name. And you say he just threw the register to the floor for no reason and took off. Yeah. That s kind of what happened. But he didn t steal any property from anyone other than your zombie? Mr. Gorman, I feel I should remind you that necromancy is against the law. In which law book is that written? It s a secret law. How many times do I have to tell you guys? She s not my property, she s my girlfriend. Mr. Gorman, I feel I should remind you that necrophilia is against the law. And that one s not such a secret. Oh gee, thanks, you re a real help. In the end the only thing we can get him on here is destruction of property, the officer said. I hope you realize that. That was finally when Phil noticed Caleb and Gloria standing there, and the tired look in his eyes vanished. Do you have any other questions, officer? I need to clean up all this money before someone tries to steal any of it. No, I think that s about it, the officer said. He sounded bored, and Caleb couldn t say he blamed him. Destruction of property wasn t the most immediate threat that tended to occur on the Hill. The officer went over to his partner and listened in on the questioning of the leprechaun, who apparently was theorizing on whether Lucas had more resembled a troll or an ostrich. The questioning officer looked completely baffled. Okay, what the hell is that all about? Gloria asked, pointing over her shoulder at the leprechaun. He s the one who called the cops, Phil said. I think that might be why Lucas didn t do something to kill me. He wanted to get out when he realized the police might be on their way. I told the short guy that there were things here the police shouldn t know, so I guess that s his way of distracting them. Thanks for that, Caleb said, then shook his head. Lucas. Seriously? I mean, come on. The guy could barely keep a hold of the sword we handed him yesterday. How could he have anything to do with this? Maybe he s just someone Fluffy and Tuffy hired. Gloria said. Some minion. I don t have the slightest clue who the hell Fluffy and Tuffy are, Phil said, but in the end there he sure wasn t talking like a minion. He sounded like he had a plan for the artifacts he took. What exactly happened here? Caleb asked. Phil bent down to gather up all the money on the floor, and Gloria kneeled down to help. Caleb went around to the other side of the counter and started checking out customers on the remaining register. The cops nodded good-bye at Phil as they left, and the three of them were finally alone to speak louder on the subject. The customers might hear, but Caleb wasn t sure how much time they had anymore to wait. I assume you finally got the damn message? Phil asked. Yeah, so I know what little you told me there. Why the hell did you even have your cell phone shut off to begin with? Phil asked. Caleb blushed and looked at Gloria, who blushed as well and wouldn t look him in the eye. He, for one, didn t have any problem whatsoever with what had happened to them, but if she did then he was going to respect the situation and not talk about it. A million and one comments about it rose to the surface of his mind, but he smashed them all back down. We were sort of busy. Busy doing what? You were supposed to keep it on so I could call you when I got information. Didn t you think I could get any? Well, sure, but we thought it was over. We thought we had all the artifacts back. Well you didn t, he said. His voice was getting louder and rougher, and the remaining customers in line were starting to look uncomfortable. Caleb did his best to speed up ringing in their purchases. In fact, he had some of them here. Which ones? Gloria asked. He said at first that he had the cube, some amulet, and a penny. But after he used the cube again, the penny I guess disappeared and became some flute. Gloria s eyes went wide as she turned to Caleb, and Caleb blanched. Oh, he said. Oh what? Phil asked. What the hell was the deal with the flute? Caleb looked at Gloria. He recognized that look she was giving him. That was her I told you so look. Caleb sighed. It s the Flute of All Flesh. Is that supposed to mean something to me? Phil asked. It controls exactly what it says. Play the right tune on it and you can control anything with flesh of any kind. Mostly it s tough, like there s only one song that can control humans and it s really difficult to get right. But it was created specifically to control the undead. There are hundreds of songs that would work for that. Phil stood up and stared at him. His hands were full of most of the bills and change from the smashed register, but he didn t seem to notice it at the moment. His brow was furrowing and his mouth formed a tight line. You had something like that in your little collection. You knew whoever took it had it now and you knew I was going to be having Sue here for most of the night, but you never thought I might need to know? I figured it wouldn t be a big deal. I didn t think it would take us that long to get everything back, anyway. Things like that are never a big deal around here. And I figured if she really loved you she could resist killing you if the time came Phil threw all the money at him. The bills just flittered harmlessly to the counter, but all that change hurt. You asshole! Caleb cringed. Dude, I don t think Big Maggie would appreciate you just flinging that around like that Fuck you! Phil said. Gloria cleared her throat and turned to the last customer still waiting to be rung up. Everyone else, even the leprechaun, had gone by now. You need to leave now, Gloria said to the customer. But I still need to pay for my chocolate milk, and I don t have my smokes Gloria unzipped her duffel bag and pulled out an unopened pack of cigarettes. Take these, and the milk is on the house. Now get the hell out. Seems we ve got some things to work out here. Gloria followed the customer to the door and locked it behind him, but Phil hadn t stopped long enough to notice any of this. You know what, Caleb? You re absolutely right. She did fight it. He ordered her to kill me and she wouldn t do it. She loves me that much. But he still fucking has control of her! And he s not going to treat her right. He won t give a rat s ass if she gets hurt doing whatever the fuck it may be he wants her to do. She could get killed and you just don t seem to fucking care. Well technically, Caleb said, she s already dead. Now is not the time, Gloria said. Really. Rein your mouth in. You just don t get it, do you? Phil said, and this time he wasn t just looking at Caleb. He turned and gave Gloria the eye too, and she raised an eyebrow. Nobody gets it. She s not just some thing. All other definitions of the term aside, to me at least she s a person. A real person who actually has real emotions and a real personality. But does anyone else see her that way? No. Not even the fucking police, apparently. Caleb, you didn t even care yesterday that I had plans with her. You just thought of yourself and screwed around with your schedule, not caring what that might mean to anyone else. Gloria turned to Caleb. You were supposed to work tonight? You told me you had off. Caleb felt heat rising into his cheeks. I did have off. After Lucas took my shift. Do you even care about anybody else? Phil asked. He came around the counter so he was directly face to face with Caleb. As he ranted Caleb could actually feel tiny bits of Phil s spittle hitting his face and he tried to back away, but there was nowhere to go. Do you even think that anyone else in the world matters? A part of Caleb knew Phil had a definite point here, but he couldn t keep his voice from rising in response. Well of course I do. Don t I show it every time I, oh I don t know, save the world from magical destruction? No, you don t. You re just going through the motions. You re doing it because you think its part of your job just like cleaning the nozzles on the fountain drink machine or stocking the ramen. You don t fucking care about anyone around you. I do too fucking care! Then fucking act like it, Phil said. He reached out and shoved Caleb hard, slamming him back into the counter. Caleb cried out as a few more of the cuts on his back broke open, and he looked up into Phil s eyes. Caleb was only five foot seven compared to Phil s six feet, and the larger man, while slim, had more muscles than Caleb could ever hope for himself. Caleb also knew deep within his brain that Phil might even have a very good point, that Caleb was in fact selfish at some core part of his nature. Caleb s physical reflexes, however, apparently operated on the same impulsive signal that his mouth often did. Before he even realized he was doing it, Caleb reached out and slapped Phil across the face. Phil recoiled from the slap and stood there for a few seconds blinking at him. He didn t even appear angry anymore, just shocked. Did did you just bitch slap me? Phil asked. Well, I wouldn t really call it a bitch slap. It was more like a Phil punched Caleb square in the gut. Caleb grunted and doubled over at the pain, but it wasn t so much that he couldn t throw a punch of his own seconds later. Neither Phil nor Caleb were standing less than a minute later, and Caleb didn t remember much of the time in between. But he was the one sprawled out on the floor next to the cigarette racks while Phil was still on his knees, so Caleb figured Phil was the winner. He made a mental note never to physically challenge Phil again, or to at least make his opening punch a crotch shot. Ow, Caleb said. He tried to sit up but had to wait for the room to stop spinning first. Ow, Phil agreed. He gripped the counter and pulled himself back to his feet. Gloria stood at the open end of the counter but made no move to come help either of them. She looked a little disgusted at them both, but at least she had the hint of a smile on her lips. You re right, man, Caleb said. I was selfish. I should have thought about how this would affect you. Yeah. Apology accepted. We cool now. Sure. Gloria rolled her eyes. Fucking men, she said. Caleb tried again to stand up and found it a little easier this time. He heard a knocking at the door from a customer, but no one made a move to let the person in. So what s the plan? Phil asked. The plan is me and Gloria ll figure something out, Caleb said. Whatever you re doing, I m doing it with you, Phil said. I think Big Maggie might not be too happy about that, Gloria said. Screw her, Phil said. I m not just going to sit here and continue my shift when my girlfriend has been kidnapped as an accessory to the end of the world. Actually I don t think that s what Lucas has in mind, Caleb said. Not that we re still sure exactly what his plan is for real, but we do have a place and time where we think he ll be. Even if you didn t find him out he probably still would have bugged out before his shift was over. Asshole, Phil said. Just because he s an evil mastermind doesn t mean he can t be professional about it and give us a warning he won t be working. How long do we have? Caleb looked at the clock. Maybe two hours, but we need to get there sooner rather than later to scope it out. Then we better start doing what we need to do to prepare. You two mind sticking around to help with the store while I talk to Big Maggie? Caleb actually wanted to do nothing of the sort. He may have admitted that he shouldn t have taken tonight off, but that didn t mean he wanted to do any of the work. But when he looked over at Gloria she actually smiled at him. Just like old times, huh? she said. It was the first time she had smiled at him since before the bedroom, he realized. Maybe that was worth a few minutes on the job. Chapter 25Phil made two calls before he called Big Maggie, neither of which were received that well, but he knew this last call would be the one that would be most difficult. Phil had to deal with all sorts of horrid things all the time, of course. After dealing with everything from mutant vampire dolphins to Elder Gods, nothing should have made him nervous anymore. Those were things with which he had become familiar. But no matter how often he talked to the general manager of OneStop Mart Store number 1186, Big Maggie still managed to give him nightmares.According to Caleb, Big Maggie hadn t always known about the things that went on at her store after dark. Caleb had done his best to make sure that neither she nor any of the other daytime employees of the OneStop got pulled into their bizarre little world. Eventually the Apocalypse shift crew hadn t been able to hide it anymore and Big Maggie had been forced to acknowledge that some things went bump in the night at her store. She handled it just as well as many people would, which was to say she did everything in her power to pretend it didn t exist.As Phil had made the previous two calls, both Caleb and Gloria had gone about doing their best to run the store, having unlocked the doors and let several impatient customers, two of whom had gills, into the store. While Phil dialed Big Maggie s home number Caleb was manning the remaining register while Gloria swept up broken pieces from the one that had spilled on the floor. They both talked in completely calm manners as though nothing big was happening, and truthfully if Phil hadn t been concerned for the life (or un-life) of his girlfriend he might very well have taken the same attitude. This was, after all, just like most other nights.You sure you don t mind helping out? Caleb asked Gloria. It s not like your employee code is still in the computer. You can t punch in and get paid for your time here.Oh I still consider myself getting paid. Just consider it part of what I have to do for your next paycheck.Caleb winced. I was really hoping that among all the excitement you would have forgotten that by now.Not a chance in hell, Butcher. I told you not to call me that. You know you like it. Wylma told me that some people have started to call you Strippy. Call me that again and I ll use your intestines as a lasso. Phil made a shushing gesture as Big Maggie s phone began to ring. She picked up after the first ring, and Phil didn t have any time to even say hi. You better have a hell of a good reason for not calling me the instant that prick broke into the cash register, or you re fired.Actually Maggie, it s Phil calling. Not Caleb. Oh, then sorry. Didn t mean it, she said, and there was a pause. Why the hell isn t Caleb calling me? He was the one that was supposed to be there tonight, not Lucas. Phil covered the receiver with one hand and looked over at Caleb. You didn t even tell Big Maggie that you were switching shifts? Dude, are you kidding? If I did that she would have threatened to fire me again. She s been threatening to fire you twice a week for as long as I ve been here, Phil said. I really don t think you have anything to worry about at this point. He uncovered the receiver. Things came up for him, Phil said, having to hide the little bit of anger in his voice. He fully accepted Caleb s apology for screwing him over tonight, but that didn t mean he was any happier about it. Well tell him next time he switches shifts without clearing it by me first he s going to be fired, Big Maggie said. I m sure he already knows that. You still should have called me right away when Lucas did whatever the hell it is he did. How did you even know already? The police called me. They always do when they need to show up at the store. So they called you when they came last night to hall away the body of the giant flying firebreathing armadillo? What? Um, no. They only call me when the non-imaginary things happen. Maggie, we ve told you that this stuff isn t imaginary. You keep emergency funds around for demon attacks and crap. Hell, you actually saw the invasion of the tentacled opossum brains. You can t keep denying it. Not listening. La la la! Phil sighed. Okay fine, whatever. So you know the register is broken at least? There better not be a single dollar bill missing from that register or else its coming out of Caleb s paycheck. But he didn t have anything to do with it. It was all Lucas s fault. Well he s fired too then. Whatever. Look, I just need to tell you that I m leaving early tonight. The hell you are! It s bad enough you re going to be there alone. We re not closing the store because the new guy freaked out for no particular reason. Actually, he freaked out because he s gone mad with the power of the twelve world-destroying artifacts he stole and is trying to sell them tonight to the most powerful beasties on the Hill. I m not listening. La la la! God damn it, Maggie, he kidnapped my girlfriend! There was silence from the other end of the line for several seconds. Oh. I m I m sorry Phil. Why didn t the police mention anything about that when they called me? Because the jerkasses don t consider her a real girlfriend if she s undead. Oh. Right. I m going to pretend at all points in the future where I talk to you that I didn t hear that. Fine. Whatever. But I ve got to find her. And I m not even suggesting closing the store. I ve already got people coming in to replace both me and Lucas, so the store s going to be just fine. Big Maggie made a grunting noise. I guess that s fine then. As long as the store stays open. And it better be clean by the time I get there in the morning, or else Or else Caleb is fired, Phil said. Right. I know. Go back to sleep, Maggie. He hung up on her. He was sure she wouldn t appreciate that, but by the morning she probably would have tried convincing herself that his call was just a nightmare anyway. So? Caleb said. Can we get the hell out of here and stop the guy who has all my crap? For the first time since the second reality change Phil actually found a reason to smile. You know, I keep forgetting to tell you. He doesn t actually have all your crap anymore. He s missing one. Phil bent down and grabbed his duffel bag from under the counter. He started rifling through it as both Caleb and Gloria came to stand over him. I hid it in here before the cops got here. I didn t think they would even know what the hell it was, but I figured you wouldn t want them asking questions about where it came from. Also, one of those rent-acops might have tried to solve the damn thing. He pulled out what he was looking for and stood up, holding it out to Caleb. Merry Christmas. Don t say I never got you anything. Caleb smiled back at him as he took Rubik s Ultimate Cube from Phil s hands and examined it. You re a little late. Or really early. Are we sure that s the real thing now? Gloria asked. I saw Lucas use it with my own eyes. You can always line up a few colors if you want to check for sure. Both Caleb and Gloria looked at each other and answered at the same time. Um, no. The door opened and they all turned to see as Kelly walked in. She had on her boots and camouflaged pants, but her gray Army t-shirt was inside out. There were huge bags under her eyes and she seemed to be stifling a yawn. Phil, she said, you better have a good reason for calling in to work at one twenty in the morning. It involves a kidnapping, Phil said. And a zombie. And cyborgs, Gloria said. With a chance of scattered ends of the world, Caleb said. Kelly finally let the yawn out. Okay. Good enough. I saw Sheila coming down the street. Freaking out every time she saw her own shadow, but she ll be here in a minute. Whatever it is you need to go do, go do it. And you owe me for this. Absolutely, Phil said. You have no idea how grateful I am. He stooped down to pick up his duffel as both Caleb and Gloria grabbed theirs from where they d stashed them next to his. So what are we up to now? First we need to go back to my place, Gloria said. It s on the way to Leechman Park, and I can think of at least one more thing there that we need. Also, we should arm you with something other than just stakes. Actually, Caleb said. You can take the sword Gloria gave me. I ve got something better I can use. How can you have something better? Gloria asked. That s my best sword. Caleb patted his duffel bag. Trust me. I ve got something cool now. And after we get what you need? Phil asked. Then we do what we always do, Caleb said. Save your girl. Save the world. Sounds too much like work, Phil said, but he said it with a smile. Both Caleb and Gloria smiled back. Yep, Caleb said. Pretty much.Chapter 26 Leechman Park was the second largest park in the whole city, but for something so large it had always seemed kind of barren to Gloria. Even on the rare occasions when she saw it during the day on a weekend, when there should have been way more families tossing footballs together or walking their dogs or cooking out, it always felt kind of empty. People would go to it, and they might very well have plenty of fun, but they never stayed for long. Even most of the night denizens of the Hill couldn t really say why, but they could feel the power of the place even more so. There was a lot of raw energy that flowed through here. It spilled out westward from the park down the gentle slope that gave the Hill its name, but even if it wasn t geographically the center of the Hill, it was the center in every other conceivable way. Whatever it was that made the Hill so different, it came from Leechman Park.Gloria, Caleb and Phil approached it from 10th Street coming from Gloria s place. They had stopped to pick up the item she needed as well as made sure that Rubik s Ultimate Cube was stashed somewhere safe. It wasn t the best place for it, but it would have to do until they found everything else and could come up with a new hiding place for them all together. 10th Street ended with a dead end and a rather thick line of trees, which would work well enough for cover. Beyond the trees the proper portion of the park began, well trimmed grassy picnic areas with a few benches and tables. Fifty feet into the park a road wound through it, meandering this way and that until it eventually went all the way around the entire park. In the distance they could see the tops of two of the park s three pavilions, one mostly in the center and one farther to the north, but they couldn t see anything that might be going on in them. There were too many artificial hills that blocked their views. If what Phil had told them about Sue s origins was true, then one or more of those hills hid multiple dead bodies from that long ago disastrous music video. Despite the fact that Sue had a headstone with her name on it in a proper cemetery somewhere, this was actually where she returned when daylight came.Phil and Caleb were hunkered down near the bushes next to the trees while Gloria stood, keeping in the shadows and watching whatever she could. Phil held his sword, drilling it restlessly into the dirt at his feet, while Caleb had that dubious looking death ray he had picked up earlier. To Gloria it didn t look like it could kill an ant even if Caleb just smashed it with the handle, but Caleb insisted that he had already used it and found it more than satisfactory. He also said it hadn t been able to take Fluffy down, so Gloria wasn t so sure how effective he thought it would be here. Gloria had her crossbow and a small pouch full of bolts, but she didn t have it in her hands at the moment. Instead she had a pair of night vision binoculars. She d had them for a while, but this was her first real chance to use them. They would be able to see across most of the park if the land wasn t so hilly, but at least she could see everything just as clear as though it were day.When do I get a chance to look through them? Caleb asked. Never, Gloria said. You d just break them. Caleb waved his death ray at the binoculars. No I wouldn t. I d be perfectly The death ray slipped from his fingers, and he tried to catch it with fumbling fingers before it finally hit the ground. Okay, so I probably would. Why do you even have those, anyway? For times exactly like this, moron, she said. How do you even have the money to buy something hi-tech like that? Phil asked. People have a tendency to shove a whole lot of money down my underwear at the day job. Getting the money s not the problem sometimes, it s spending it. You should have seen the look on the sales guy s face when I told him I wanted to pay for this all in singles. Phil started to jab his sword a little more aggressively into the ground. What s the time now, anyway? Two minutes after two, Caleb said as he looked at the display on his cell phone. Exactly three minutes since the last time you asked. Do you see anything yet? Phil asked. No, Gloria said, but those damn hills are screwing with my visibility. I might just have to try climbing one of these trees pretty soon. Do we even know what we want to be looking for? Caleb asked. Gloria shrugged. Anything out of the ordinary, I guess. Around here, Caleb said, the only thing that s out of the ordinary is the ordinary itself. You re absolutely right, Gloria said. And you know what s ordinary for a park at night? For it to be empty. Like this one is now. Not necessarily, Phil said. A park at night is always good for shady deals or whatever. Anywhere else in the city? Maybe, Gloria said. But there s plenty of places on the Hill for shady deals. No need to go to the park. However, there should be things roaming around here right now. The other day I saw a family of ghouls here playing fetch with their zombie dog using a severed arm as the stick. It should be just as busy here as it is in any other part of the neighborhood. So why is it completely quiet? What do you want to bet Lucas has Fluffy and Tuffy or some other minions wandering around making sure no one unwelcome gets in? Phil said. Sounds like a sound bet to me, Caleb said. Do either of you wonder just how the hell Lucas seems to be managing this in the first place? I mean, I know he was probably playing the fool for our benefit but he still didn t seem like the sort of guy to do all this. He thinks he can make a lot of money by selling all those artifacts, I guess? Gloria said. But even as she said that she realized there was a flaw in that logic. This wasn t just diamonds or car stereos he had stolen and was trying to pawn off now. These were items that were capable of destroying the world, and he was apparently willing to put them into the hands of anyone with a little bit of money. That would be an incredibly stupid thing to do, and so far tonight he hadn t shown himself to be as stupid as he had looked the night before. Lucas had done enough research that he had known exactly where Caleb had kept all his trophies, enough even to know what kind of things Caleb had and how to use them. He d thought ahead to create a decoy to give Caleb and Gloria a wild goose chase through the entire neighborhood, and he apparently had the connections to get cyborgs working for him. None of that added up to someone just trying to make a little extra spending cash. If there s maybe people going around patrolling the park, Caleb said, then it might not be the best idea for us to just stay in one place. Probably, Gloria said. Let s move north, stick to the edge of the park, see if we can get a better view of any of the pavilions or anything. Those would probably be better places for whatever s going down. They each grabbed their weapons and duffel bags and moved in the direction of 11th Street, making sure they kept to the trees and made as little noise as possible. When they found a place where the hills wouldn t block so much of Gloria s view, yet they could still hide in the bushes, they stopped. Gloria took out the binoculars again as Phil started talking to Caleb. So man, explain to me how that god damned flute works, Phil said. I already did. Play the right song and you can control anything. So you really could use it to control humans? Phil asked. Yeah, but only one song works for that. A really tough one. To the best of my knowledge no one in recorded history has ever played enough of the song without mistakes to actually make it work. And what song would that be? Freebird. Seriously? Yep. For controlling zombies anything by Queen will work, plus Smoke on the Water. Barry Manilow songs control fairies and pixies. Supposedly American Pie is the call of Cthulhu. How long has the flute existed? For millennia. Then how come all the songs for it come from the seventies? Dunno. I guess the seventies were just a very mysterious time, Caleb said. So how far does this control over the person work? Phil asked. It can t be so powerful as all that if Sue was able to fight it off, right? No, it is that powerful. I ve seen it used, and when it s used right the person or creature it takes over is perfectly under the control of whoever played the song. They don t need to play the song again. The controlled is just the player s puppet until the controlled one is dead. Which isn t actually that long, I hear. The song scrambles something in the brains of whoever it takes over. Shit! Phil said. You mean it s going to kill her? Hey, keep it down, Gloria said. She was still scanning the park and finding nothing. She motioned for Caleb and Phil to follow her and they walked another block or so up. The trees were getting thinner here, so they couldn t go much farther. No, listen, Caleb said to Phil as they moved. She resisted, right? So that means Lucas didn t get the song right. Yeah, I did hear him make a couple mistakes. They weren t much, though. Not much is still enough that his control over her isn t perfect. That also means she has longer before it fries her brain, but I couldn t tell you how much. How do you break the player s control over a person? Phil asked. Only two ways that I know of, Caleb said. He twirled the death ray in his hand, and Gloria had to stop what she was doing to glare at him. She had no doubt that when the critical time came he could think of a way to use that thing in a way that would save all their asses. She also didn t doubt that he was highly likely to blow his own face off in the mean time. Caleb caught her look and stopped, grinning at her as though she had nothing to worry about. She realized having feelings for him was a bit like caring for a puppy. Sometimes he was adorable and fun to be around, but he still chewed up the furniture and took random craps on the floor. First way, Caleb said, is to play the song yourself on the flute. Problem with that is you re not technically freeing whoever was under its control. You re just changing who s in charge, and I don t think you really want to do that. Then we have to go with the second way, I guess, Phil said. Uh, the second way would be to kill the person in control, Caleb said. The one being controlled would come right out of it, but I don t think we really want to do that to Lucas yet. Hasn t exactly earned it. That we know of, Gloria said. But what would happen if you played the flute and intentionally got the song wrong? Wouldn t the control go over to you but in such a flawed way that the one being controlled would basically be free to ignore whatever you want them to do? I don t know, Caleb said. Maybe. Yeah, I guess that even seems likely. Problem is that first we would have to get the flute. And everything else, don t forget, Gloria said. She continued scanning the park to the northeast. There was still nothing. If Lucas really did have people keeping random passersby out of the park, then she should have at least been able to see something by now. The northernmost pavilion was well within her view, but it didn t look occupied at all. Hey wait, what was that? Phil asked. Where? Gloria turned her binoculars back towards the south, but she still didn t see anything. No, other direction, Phil said. He pointed farther north. There were two very tall apartment buildings at the northern border of the park, although a ghostly third building could sometimes just barely be seen when there was enough moonlight. That wasn t what Phil was pointing at, however. She put the binoculars down long enough to see what he might be looking at, and she could see something moving in the distance. She put the binoculars back to her eyes and focused in on it. Oh, well I didn t expect to see her, Gloria said. See who? Caleb asked. It s Wylma, Gloria said. What? Oh, please tell me she s not in on this with Lucas, Caleb said. Gloria watched Wylma through the bright green of the night vision. She was alone, but she didn t exactly seem to know where she was going. She kept stopping and looking around, walking a little bit in one direction and then a little bit in another. I don t know, Gloria said. She almost seems confused. She s too far away for me to get a good look at her face, so I can t really be sure. Oh, she better just be fucking lost, Caleb said. He pulled out his cell phone and started dialing. If she goes and turns on me too then I ll skin every last Disney character off her arms. What the hell are you doing? Gloria asked. She lowered binoculars and reached for the cell phone, but he pulled it out of her reach. If she s with Lucas then you re going to let them know that we re here! Caleb didn t seem to hear that last part, however. He already had the phone to his ear, and he backed away from Gloria as she reached for it again. Stop trying to grab it! Caleb said. Just watch her, all right? Make sure she doesn t try any hocus pocus. Gloria grumbled, but she didn t think she was going to convince him. She put the binoculars back to her eyes but stayed close enough to Caleb that she could hear both his and Wylma s sides of the conversation. Through the night vision she could see Wylma look all around her as her phone rang, like she didn t know where the noise was coming from, then seemed to remember she was carrying a purse and started rummaging through it. She s answering, Gloria said, and a few seconds later she could faintly hear Wylma s voice on Caleb s phone. Caleb? Wylma said. Wylma, what the hell are you doing? I uh what are you talking about? We can see you, Wylma. Why the hell are you in Leechman Park right now? Wylma turned around in circles as she looked for where they might be. Gloria took it as a good sign that she couldn t see any of them. If she couldn t then maybe no one else could either. Caleb, I m sorry. I just figured this is what I had to do to make it up to you. What are you talking about? It was my fault that someone broke into your apartment. I need to make that right. I told you not to worry about it, Wylma. But I do. You know I m going to. I ll get everything back for you. How did you even know to come to Leechman Park? About half an hour ago I got a phone call, somebody saying they still had everything and that if I was here at the park at three a.m. I d get a chance to buy it all back. I just wanted to make up for what I did. But um whoever it was didn t actually say where in the park. I think I m a little lost. Wylma, Caleb said, we can do this without you going in and No, Gloria said. She lowered the binoculars and looked at Caleb. We can t. Caleb lowered his phone and glared at her. Now s not the time for negative thinking. What I mean, Gloria said, is I have an idea. She took the cell phone away from Caleb before he had any chance to protest and held it to her own ear. Hey Wylma, feeling nice and rested for a little magic here and there? I guess. Why? How would you like to be our spy?Chapter 27 Caleb stood up when Wylma was finished and tried to walk. The first thing he did was walk right into a tree. Ow, son of a Gloria, I don t know if this is going to work. Why not? It s well, disorienting. Like trying to watch two different TVs at once. Except not. He blinked as though he had something in his eye, because that was exactly what it felt like. Not just any something, but a whole television monitor. Instead of seeing out of both his own eyes he was only seeing with the right. The left eye, instead of picking up what was directly in front of him, was seeing everything Wylma saw. At the moment that consisted of open expanses of grass all around where she was sitting in a lotus position. There wasn t much to see, and he supposed if that was all he was getting from her at the moment he might not be so unnerved by it. But the entire left side of his face was picking up everything she did. His left ear heard what she heard, his left nostril smelled what she smelled. Presumably she was experiencing the same thing, seeing and hearing and feeling everything on his face that he did. There was no outward sign of any of this, apparently, or at least that was what Gloria told him from looking at him. If it was the same with Wylma, then they could listen in and see everything she did without anyone she met realizing it. Sorry, Wylma said. He could hear her voice just as clearly as though it were his own, although neither Gloria nor Phil could. The spell apparently only worked on one pair of people. I could do a spell that was better if I had more time to prepare. It ll work well enough for now, Caleb said. How long will it last? As long as I can keep my concentration on it. But once I lose it and the spell goes down I won t be able to do it again without anybody seeing me do it.Caleb relayed this information to the others, and Gloria nodded. If that happens we ll try to work around it. Just whatever you do don t give away that the three of us are here. We want to keep stealthy for as long as possible.Caleb felt Wylma bite her lip in nervousness. He felt himself mimicking the movement without really meaning to. Out of curiosity he scratched his nose, and Wylma twitched her own nose at the sensation. Don t do that, Wylma said. Please. It s kind of distracting. Sorry. So whatever s going down, it doesn t seem to be at the northern pavilion. Why don t you start heading towards the middle one. Wylma started walking, and Caleb had to sit down. The sensations of moving forward while he was standing completely still made him a little dizzy. Wylma took out a cigarette from her purse and put it in her mouth, but Caleb stopped her before she could light it. Um, do you think you could hold off on that until some point where I m not sharing your taste buds? Oh, Wylma said, and Caleb could feel her cheek flush. Sorry. Gloria stooped down to look in Caleb s face. Hey, when you entered the park was there anybody guarding or patrolling the edge of it? I entered the park at the same time you did, Caleb said. Not you. I was talking to Wylma. I didn t actually see anyone, Wylma said. I thought I heard some shuffling at first, almost like I was being followed for a bit, but when I tried to see who it might be the noise stopped. She was walking briskly across the park, taking a route that mostly avoided the hills and went straight for the middle pavilion. She slowed down, however, as it came into clearer view. Caleb, are you seeing this? I think so, Caleb said. What did she say? Gloria asked. She asked if I was seeing the same thing she did. No, before that. What did she say anyone guarding the park? Oh. Okay, I can see how this is going to get confusing quick, Caleb said. He repeated back what Wylma said, then started describing just what it was he was seeing with her eyes. Whatever was going on, the middle pavilion was apparently the place for it. With only about half an hour to go before the official meeting time there were a couple of people milling about. Of course, milling about wasn t exactly the correct phrase for it as they were standing as far away from each other as possible while still being close to the pavilion. In the pavilion itself all the picnic benches had been rearranged into one long line with things set atop them. Two figures stood near the table each with their arms crossed in front of their chests. There were no lights on in the pavilion and Caleb couldn t see many details about the figures in the shadows, but there was one detail that he could easily see even though Wylma was still at a distance. Smiley face, Caleb said. Why would Wylma say anything about a smiley face? Phil asked. She didn t. I did. It s Fluffy. The metal skull that was underneath her skin, it looks just like a smiley face. Three guesses who the other one in the pavilion is, then, Gloria said. Tuffy, Wylma said. I have no idea what my other two guesses should be. She didn t mean that literally, Caleb said. What did she say? Gloria asked. Okay seriously, Caleb said to Gloria, if you wanted to know everything she was going to say word for word then you should have been the one to volunteer to be the magical walkie-talkie. Gloria frowned but didn t say anything. Caleb, Phil said. What about the other two? I don t know yet, Caleb said. I waiting for Wylma to get closer. Wylma s voice dropped to more of a whisper as she got closer. Actually I think I recognize at least one of them. The guy standing closest to me, I think that s Moorealan. Caleb definitely knew the name, but he had never actually seen the man s face before. If Wylma was something of a recluse on the Hill, then Moorealan was a full on hermit. No one had ever actually seen him outside the cardboard box he called home in an alley off 14th Street, but it was a huge box. Or at least it was supposed to be on the inside. On the outside it just looked like a normal box on its side, not even big enough that a human should have been able to fit in it. The inside, however, supposedly housed something along the lines of a mansion full of ancient antiquities. Moorealan was dressed in a dirty trench coat and had incredibly long hair and a beard to match. Normal people passing him on the street might have just thought of him as a homeless kook, especially considering he was known to rant to anyone who would listen about the value of worshipping ancient Roman sock puppets. That didn t change that he was supposedly the most brilliant sorcerer on the Hill, a true genius. Caleb told Gloria and Phil this, and they both whistled. I wonder how they even contacted him, Phil said. Supposedly he completely shuns technology, so he wouldn t have a cell phone. Probably something similar to the spell we re using right now, Caleb said. Oh, wait, I think I recognize the other person now. I think that s Mary McPhisto. Well shit, Gloria said. That s not exactly happy news. Caleb had to agree. Mary McPhisto owned the Club McPhisto just down the street from the OneStop Mart at the edge of the Hill. It was one of the trendiest and hottest clubs in the city, but it tended to cater more to mundies than the regular denizens of the Hill. Most people of the Hill weren t that stupid. As Wylma got closer Caleb could see Mary standing in a trendy dress with a reinforced briefcase in hand. The thing that confused most people about her was that she only kept the same shape for about two or three weeks at a time. Tonight she had strawberry blond hair and perfectly tanned skin, and the dress did much to flatter her significant breasts. Too bad for some poor woman out there, though, because those were not Mary s breasts, nor her hair or her skin. She must have just stolen this skin recently, however, because if it had been a while Caleb would have been better able to see the slightly misshapen skeleton underneath that was the telltale sign she was a demon. The only outer sign that told Caleb who she was exactly were the glowing red eyes. No matter how many outer shells she stole from others, she couldn t hide the eyes. Caleb relayed the details of this to his companions, and Gloria stood upright and started pacing in front of him. Does this strike anyone else here as not adding up? Gloria, none of this has been adding up for me all night, Caleb said. You said Mary McPhisto has a briefcase, right? Gloria asked. I bet you it s safe to assume it contains all the money she plans on using to buy the artifacts. Wylma, how much money did you bring with you? Wylma was close enough that both Moorealan and Mary McPhisto nodded in acknowledgement of her presence. Moorealan seemed to pay her more interest than McPhisto did, who instead started looking around herself impatiently. Wylma didn t actually speak, but she gave a very small shrug and a shake of her head that only Caleb could feel. I don t think she wants to talk aloud right now, Caleb said, but maybe she s trying to tell me that she doesn t have a lot. And she wouldn t, Gloria said. She s not that well off, right? At least nowhere near as well off as Mary McPhisto. And it s basic knowledge that McPhisto could buy pretty much anything she wants. So why even invite Wylma then? Or the Lunatics. They re not going to be able to compete with her, either. And Moorealan, hell, he doesn t even believe in money. Maybe he s involved in it, Phil said. He s certainly powerful enough. But all reports about him seem to indicate he s more or less one of the good guys, Caleb said. I think you re right. Something about this stinks. Wylma watched the two other potential buyers for a moment before turning her attention to the area under the pavilion. It was clear now that the second person standing guard near the tables was indeed Tuffy, and she glared at Wylma with a tight frown on her face but made no attempt to either speak or move. Wylma took a few steps closer toward the tables, but Fluffy stepped forward and held up a hand. No entering the pavilion until our host gets here. If you need to see the stuff for auction you can look at it from over there. Wylma stepped back. I m sorry about your clothes earlier, but I see you found something else to wear. Fluffy stared at her. Without the outer parts of her face, it was impossible to tell what expression Fluffy might be trying to convey. I brought all the clothes back, Wylma said. You can come get them later if you promise to behave this time. There was a sound from deep in Fluffy s throat that might have been a chuckle. To Caleb it wasn t a very comforting noise. Everything that had been stolen from Caleb s apartment sat on the table. Each was arranged with a card next to it showing a letter and the item s name in hastily scrawled lettering. Caleb noticed that there was no letter E, the cards going straight from D to F. They ve got all the artifacts lined up for display, Caleb said to Gloria and Phil. Everything s there except the cube. How do we know they re real this time? Gloria said. I can see the bag of crumbs, Caleb said. They re glowing. These are the real things. Wylma, can you pan your eyesight across all the tables? I just want to make sure. Wylma did as he asked, and Caleb listed off each item as he saw it from left to right. The Flute of All Flesh, the Omega Sword, the One Clog, That, the crumbs, the Confused Amulet of Fire, the Osterhaggis Key, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, the Bad Penny, and I assume they didn t take the Pretty Pink Thing out of the box at the end. Gloria ticked off each of the items on her fingers as he said them. No, wait. That s not right. There s only ten. There s supposed to be eleven now, right? Yeah, Caleb said. Wylma, look back over them again. He ticked off all the items in his head as she stepped closer and looked at each one individually. Wait, stop right there. It s the Confused Amulet of Water. That s what s missing. Why would he be displaying all the others but not that? Phil asked. I don t think he has any intention of selling that one, Gloria said. Caleb what exactly is that one supposed to do? It can create hey Wylma, watch out! Caleb said. He saw Fluffy coming closer to her again out of the corner of her eye, but she was too quick for Wylma to heed his words. The large cyborgs was at her side already and reaching for her. I said stay back! Fluffy said, and gave Wylma a violent shove away from the pavilion. All the sensations and sights Caleb was picking up from Wylma fizzled out with a strange popping feeling in his head, and all Caleb could see and hear now was what was in front of him. Crap, he said. Fluffy went all bouncer on her and she lost control of the spell. So what are we going to do from here? Phil asked. Well, we know where they are now, Gloria said. That means we might be able to get closer and find a place where we can watch them without them seeing us. Why can t we just rush in and grab the artifacts? Caleb said. Because we have an intelligence higher than 37, Gloria said. Have you been taking one of Wylma s special drugs or something to make you extra high and stupid? The artifacts are all guarded. Yes, they are, Caleb said. By two people we took down earlier in the night. And we have Phil now to help us, plus Wylma right there and maybe even Moorealan. Mary McPhisto might try to take advantage of the situation and go for some of them herself, Phil said, and I know I sure as hell would be scared for any of those things to get into her hands. No, I don t think we should just go running for them, Gloria said. We need to have a better thought out There was a rustling in the bushes from back where they had come. They all stopped and stared to the south, but Caleb couldn t see anything. What was that? Gloria said, her voice automatically dropping to a whisper. She stuffed the night vision binoculars into her duffel bag, slung it to a secure position over her shoulder, and then took up her crossbow. Don t know, Caleb said. but it s probably what s been keeping everyone else out of the park. There was another rustle, this time accompanied by an additional noise, one that Caleb remembered hearing before, despite not having ever actually heard it before. Caleb would have been confused by this if the sound didn t make him start worrying. Sliiiiim Jiiiiim. Chapter 28Phil s initial reaction was to call out Sue s name and run towards her voice. But even with the worry and longing that suddenly rushed through him, he had enough of a clear head to understand what that meant.If Sue s here, Phil said. Then Lucas has to be around too. We need to move, Gloria said. Go deeper into the park. What the hell ever happened to coming up with a ridiculously convoluted plan? Caleb asked. I never said anything about my plan being ridiculously convoluted. I m sure it would have been if you had actually taken the time to come up with one. Gloria looked at Caleb for a moment then shrugged. Huh. Probably. But we don t have time anymore. Wait, why? Phil asked. If that s Sue then she ll resist trying to hurt us. And if Lucas is with her, then we can just all three of us go after him together. Gloria shook her head. No. Sue will resist trying to hurt you. Me and Caleb on the other hand, she doesn t know as well. Even if his control over her is screwed up, it might not be so screwed up that she won t try to rip either of our skulls open. If we didn t care about hurting her we might be able to take her down easily, but I don t think you want us putting a hole in your girlfriend s skull. Sue s moans for Slim Jims were growing louder now, and Phil thought he could hear a little more rustling. In truth, now that he was listening for it, he could hear a lot more rustling. Oh, Phil said. Oh, I think maybe all three of us need to get out of here. There was a second moan now, much less coherent than Sue s and much deeper. A few heartbeats later he heard a third moan, much fainter but coming from somewhere to the north. It made sense, Phil realized. Sue, after all, wasn t the only zombie that usually called Leechman Park her resting place. Every single person that had died during that long gone music video had been disposed of somewhere underneath the hills. If Lucas could control one, he could control the others. And his control of the other zombies might not be quite as flawed as his hold on Sue. In the trees to the south several forms shambled out from the shadows. One to the right looked like it might have been Sue, a possibility that seemed confirmed when it caught Phil in its sight and stopped long enough to shake like it was having a seizure. But none of the other forms stopped. They continued to approach with their arms held out in front of them, slow but completely undeterred by the shrubs in their path. All in agreement for literally running for the hills, Caleb said, say aye. Phil and Gloria both raised their hands. Aye. Phil grabbed his own duffel bag from where he had set it on the ground, as well as the sword, and then ran towards the hills. All three of them got as far as the road within seconds, and Phil allowed himself a moment to look back. He immediately regretted it. Now that they were out of the tree line he could see all the way down it, and the number of zombies was far far greater than just the three they had seen approaching. Guys, he called out to Caleb and Gloria. They were a few feet ahead but they looked over their shoulders at him as he spoke. I think we ve got a bigger problem than we thought. They stopped in their tracks when they saw what was behind them, and Phil ran right into Caleb s back. He almost jabbed Caleb in his leg with the sword, but Caleb was too distracted to give a smartass retort. Phil turned around with them and got a better look at what he had just seen. Dear Sweet Jesus, Gloria said. That can t be right. Phil couldn t believe what he was seeing was real either. He d done enough research on Sue s music video that he figured somewhere between twenty and thirty people associated with it had died at the hands of the real zombies. Some accounts had said that there were as many as fifteen zombies that had been rounded up for the video to begin with, and there were maybe a few more zombies roaming around the Hill than that. So there were a decent number of zombies that called the neighborhood their home at night, but it wasn t like Phil had ever seen them gathered together for any reason long enough to count them. Except now they were gathered. As they came from their places around the perimeter of the park they started to group together. Some were coming from the north of where the three of them had been while most came from the south, and with only moonlight for Phil illuminating them he quickly lost count of how many there were. Shit. They knew exactly where we were, Gloria said. Kind of a leap in logic, isn t it? Caleb said. If they d known where we were we would have seen them earlier. Exactly. There s so many of them that they would have run into us, but they didn t. They were specifically hanging back. She paused for a moment, then turned towards the nearest hill. It was approximately a hundred feet or so to the southeast, and Phil couldn t see anything about it just yet that struck him as strange. Lucas! she yelled. Come on out! Um, Gloria, Caleb said. You do of realize that there s no one there? We re being herded, Gloria said. He knew we would come and he pushed us in this direction for a reason. He has to be waiting for us, and that hill would be the most logical location. Isn t that right, Lucas? All three of them turned to the hill and waited. Nothing came out from over it. Your powers of deductive reasoning are brilliant and must be applauded with fervor, Caleb said. I wish I was even half as smart as you. My brain would explode with all the intelligence. I can t be right all the time, Gloria said. Yeah guys, that s all great and good that you can snark back and forth with such wit, Phil said. But don t forget that we do have something like sixty freaking zombies lurching right for us. Going back to running might be a good idea? Yeah, probably, Gloria said. We should head for the pavilion. Doing a snatch and grab of the artifacts may be our only real shot now. They didn t even have the chance to get moving again before something came rushing over the hill they had just been watching. Phil turned his head to look, but it was moving too fast and hit him hard in the ribs. He felt his feet actually leave the ground as he flew to the side, barely missing Caleb and Gloria before he hit the ground hard. The wind got knocked out of his lungs and the sword slipped from his hand right along with his duffel bag, and before he could get his bearings to try grabbing either of them the thing that had rushed him had already grabbed both and threw them aside. They fell at least fifty feet away, and Phil was in too much pain from the hit to immediately get up and go after them. Caleb and Gloria each turned as Phil was attacked and tried to aim their weapons at the thing, but it was mostly a blur. It was definitely a humanoid, but in the low light with the speeds it was moving Phil couldn t see any details. When it slowed to scoop up Phil s weapons and toss them aside he got the impression of something hairy with long limbs, but even then the thing looked insubstantial, almost mist-like. The thing was already coming back for Caleb and Gloria before either of them could get a good shot at it. Gloria fired a crossbow bolt, but there was a blur in the air and the bolt disappeared. There were a flurry of cracking noises and suddenly there was a shower in the air of broken splinters as the thing ripped the bolt into tiny pieces. Gloria ducked aside as she pulled another bolt from the pouch, and Caleb aimed his death ray/hair dryer at the thing before it could move any closer. The blast flashed white and Phil had to turn away to protect his eyes, and when he looked back he could see Caleb staggering backwards, his eyes blinking as he tried to see again. But the blast at least seemed to have landed where Caleb had intended. The thing had stopped moving for the moment and looked like it was even trying to keep its balance after the hit, but the blast didn t appear to have done much damage. Now that it had stopped moving, however, Phil could see it much better. It stood at about five foot five, and despite the increase in hair and slightly disproportioned limbs it looked mostly human. Maybe it was paler than normal, and it had a pair of extremely sharp looking fangs protruding from its mouth, but it was otherwise still recognizably Lucas. He was even still wearing his OneStop smock. Lucas, why the hell are you doing this? Caleb asked. Lucas s only response was halfway between a loud grunt and a howl. This, Phil understood, had to be what happened when he took whatever had been in the syringe. He started moving again towards Caleb, and although this time he didn t appear to be going as fast he was still moving faster than Caleb could track with his death ray. Caleb fired but Lucas dodged out of the way and the blast went wide, slicing a burned patch in the grass three feet away from Phil s head. Whoa man, watch it! Phil yelled as he rolled away from the smoldering ground and tried to get back to his feet. Caleb didn t have time to apologize as he tried to fire again, but this time he was able to aim the shot right at Lucas s head. The first shot Caleb made must have caught Lucas off guard, but not this one. This time Lucas s entire body seemed to phase out into the form of mist before the blast hit him, and it went harmlessly through where his head should have been. He dashed in on Caleb and grabbed the front end of the death ray, crushing it in his grip and throwing it to the ground. Caleb backed away as he fumbled with his duffle bag trying to get some other weapon out, and that should have given Lucas the time to go in for another hit. Instead Lucas jumped on the broken death ray, screaming and howling as he first crushed what remained of it beneath his feet and then ripped the broken pieces apart with his newly clawed fingers. His movements were slowing with each spastic attack on the death ray parts, and his hair and proportions were going back to normal. Phil eyed his sword, but the zombies had come up quicker than he had expected and were moving to surround the fight. He could make it to the sword, but it would have put him dangerously close to a large number of grasping decaying fingers and gnashing teeth. Lucas! Gloria yelled. Stop! She had her crossbow reloaded and aimed at Lucas again, and he was breathing heavily as the effects of the drug wore off. Caleb moved farther away from Lucas and any last minute attempts by the guy to lash out, but Lucas no longer looked like he was in any shape to fight. All his features were returning to normal much faster now, but his skin remained pale. He looked almost sick, but that didn t keep him from smiling at Gloria. Put the crossbow down, Lucas said. I m the one with it pointed at your head, man, she said. I think I m the one who gets to make orders here. Except I ve got you surrounded with all my new toys, Lucas said, and Phil looked around them. The zombies had formed a loose ring around all of them now, and they looked restless as they stared with blank eyes at the four people inside their circle. Phil glanced anxiously around and found Sue just on the outside of the western part of the circle. She was just close enough now that he could see the details of her face, and although she still appeared to be shaking slightly he saw no other sign that she saw and recognized him. Except if I shoot you and kill you, all those zombies will go back to how they were before, Gloria said. A few may try to come after us but most will just go about their business. Right, because you people actually think all these monsters are pretty harmless, Lucas said. Like they aren t abominations of nature. Here we go, Caleb said. This is the part where the evil villain gives us the big long monologue about his dastardly plan. Lucas turned to look at Caleb, and Phil was struck by how confused Lucas seemed by that. Why would I do that? That s what all the villains do at this stage in the game, Gloria said. But I m not the villain, Lucas said. I m the hero that s here to save the world from you. Now it was Gloria s turn to look confused. I don t understand. No, people like you wouldn t understand things like basic decency, would you? Lucas said. Drop the crossbow now. There was a sudden shuffling among the zombies, and Sue shakily moved forward where several others grabbed her limbs. A couple placed hands on her skull. She stood there and let them, but Phil couldn t help but notice how her gaze turned toward him. She could have been giving him a silent plea for help, or she could be suddenly lusting for his brains again. There was no way he could tell for sure. Lucas saw the way Phil was looking at her and sneered. Or I ll have them rips Phil s pet dead bitch apart. Gloria frowned but didn t lower the crossbow. Phil saw several of the zombies grips on Sue s arms tighten. Gloria, Phil said. Just do what he says already. Phil, look, I m sorry, but there s kind of bigger issues here, Gloria said. We can t let him get out of this and get those artifacts into the wrong hands. He ll kill her, Phil said. Dude, she s right, Caleb said. Living people could die because of all this, but Sue s already dead. She s not dead to me, Phil said. He tried to hold back any tears as he watched Sue. She didn t look like she was in any pain as the other zombies fingers dug into her flesh, but he could not tell for sure. Please, Gloria. What if it were Caleb? Caleb raised an eyebrow and looked at her. Gloria looked back, then grunted. Well shit, she said, and then lowered the crossbow. She made no attempt to raise it again as Lucas came up to her and grabbed it out of her hands. And that s exactly why you re the villains of this story, Lucas said. When faced with a choice that you think could kill people, real living people, you chose the fucking zombie. You don t have a fucking clue who the real hero is here. Phil was sure he wasn t the only one who wondered what the hell Lucas was talking about, but he didn t have time to say anything about it before the zombies started descending on them.Chapter 29 When Big Maggie had given him the job at the OneStop Mart, Lucas had told her that he was new to the area, that he was in fact a college student from Iowa that had come to the city for school and needed a job that wouldn t interfere with his class schedule. That had been the first of a larger number of lies. He had, in fact, lived in the city his whole life. That life had been spent on the eastern-most outskirts of the Hill, but for most of that time he hadn t been aware of what went on there at night. He had thought the world was a perfectly sane and fine place, or at least as sane as it could be when he was more or less the man of the house. His mother had done her best to raise him and his two sisters alone, but she had needed that extra little bit of help around the house he had provided. He had never gotten away from his duties to his family long enough to make many friends, so his little sisters had been all he d had. He hadn t gotten out of the house enough to realize just what kind of place it was in the neighborhood next door until he had been thirteen and he d done his first real attempt at teenage rebellion. The end result of that first excursion out into the nighttime neighborhood had been his first real lesson about sex, and it had come from a demon he ran into doing business with an elvin prostitute in an alley.For some reason he found his thoughts going back to that incident as he watched Tuffy come over the hills to help tie up Caleb, Phil, and Gloria. He hadn t actually had any real reason to be out that late other than he wasn t supposed to be. Up until the day she had died, Lucas hadn t been sure how much his mother really knew about what happened on the Hill at night, but she couldn t have been completely oblivious to it. She had to have had some idea, but not enough that she hadn t forbidden him even more from going out at night. But on that particular day he had been more tired than usual of always being the responsible one. He couldn t even remember why. Maybe it had been something one of his sisters had done. Either way, he d felt the urge to not be the perfect hero of the family anymore. He d wanted to be the bad one for a change, but he hadn t had enough idea of what bad meant and the worst he could come up with was staying out late.He hadn t been out for any longer than half an hour before he passed the alley and heard the noises. He had been sheltered up to that point, but he at least thought he had known sex when he heard it. The alley he had been passing was dark, but he could still clearly hear the groaning and moaning, the sound of skin slapping rhythmically against skin. He d been intrigued, and he d had a hard-on. He d wanted to see. So he had gone down the alley, slowly, careful not to make any noise of his own. There was a dumpster in the alley that he had been able to hide behind, and it was close enough that he had been able to see the shadows of the two people as they ground against each other. But he hadn t actually been able to see anything specific until the headlights from a passing car briefly illuminated the alley and he had seen the details of the couple.The woman had been beauty beyond anything he had ever seen before. Her skin had been a flawless cream color and her hair had been so blond as to look almost white. The dress she wore had been green, gold, and white and had shimmered in the brief light like fine silk. But while the material of the dress had brought to mind the fair maidens of hundreds of clichéd fantasy novels, the dress s cut had been something else entirely. The hem was extremely short and exposed her long legs. The top of the dress had been low cut so it would barely cover her nipples even when it was not pulled down for someone s easier access. But as amazing as that sight would have been to his budding pubescent mind under normal circumstance, his eyes instead caught and stayed on her ears, which came to sharp points.If she was everything he had ever expected beauty to be, then the man she was with (her client, he realized to call later) was something out of his nightmares. He d never liked clowns even when he had been younger, but after looking at this thing clowns had become enough to make him want to scream. It had looked like any other man might in clown makeup, with a red afro wig and a huge red nose over a white painted face. His pants were the type some clowns wore with the gigantic hula-hoop waist that could only be held up by suspenders, except the suspenders had been undone and the hula-hoop pants rested in a puddle over the shapes of his enormous shoes. All the exposed parts of its body- the legs, the butt, the quick glimpse of something else between its legs he didn t want to think about- had all been the same grease-paint white as his face. Even his pointed and barbed tail, lashing out behind him with each thrust, had been white.The headlights went quickly, but there had still been a glow from the thing s red eyes. The elven woman had started speaking actual coherent words about then, and Lucas had been too petrified to run away. Do it baby, she had said. Go ahead. I want to float, the clown-thing had said. Down here we all float. The words hadn t made any sense to Lucas, but the woman apparently hadn t had the same problem. Then float baby. Go ahead and float! That was when the clown-thing had moaned, and there had been a sound as he pressed up against her one final time. It sounded suspiciously like a bike horn repeatedly going off. That was when Lucas had finally run, and when he had realized how perverse and twisted his neighborhood of the Hill really was.He watched the zombies hold Caleb, Gloria, and Phil down as three more zombies with wooden chairs came in from where he d been keeping them in the east. With most of the zombies he didn t have to concentrate too hard to get them to do what he wanted. All he needed was to think what he wanted them to do and they did it. A few tried to resist more, although none so much as the corpse that Phil had been having his disgusting relationship with. He d made a few mistakes in playing the song around her, but not as many as he had with some of the others. The fact that she could resist him more was strange, but nothing he thought he would have to worry about for much longer. He would take more satisfaction in what would happen to her and Phil than any of the others. Phil may have been human and therefore maybe not as deserving as the inhuman things around here, but whenever Lucas saw him and his zombie all he could think of was that clown demon and the elf prostitute.Tuffy tied each of the three to the chairs with heavy amounts of duct tape and let the zombies carry the chairs back to the eastern pavilion. They would avoid getting within sight of any of the people gathering there just in case there were any more who might be sympathetic with the OneStop employees both past and present, keeping them away until just the right time when Lucas might have use for them. When she was finished Tuffy came up to Lucas and stood in front of him. She had a look in her eyes like she might have been thinking of him as more than just her boss in this situation, but then she had had that look long before she had become a cyborg. Everything seems to be going right, Tuffy said. Pretty much, Lucas said, but although most of the details were exactly as he needed them he still had a nagging sense of worry. Mostly it was because of the way the drug had made him act again. He d known this time that the extract might cause him to loose control of his emotions and rampage at random things, but he had thought the knowledge of what might happen would give him an advantage in controlling it this time. But it hadn t. He d felt like a wild man, like he hadn t cared about anything or anyone around him. He d felt exactly like he imagined it did to be any one of the savage creatures of the Hill. But even worse, he had the strong urge to take the extract again.Are you sure Fluffy is fine all by her lonesome back there? Lucas asked. No one will mess with her, Tuffy said. We re finally good to do this. And you re sure you re ready for it? Lucas asked. Tuffy grunted and nodded. He was grateful that she hadn t said something idiotic like she was born ready, or even worse that she was built ready. She hadn t always been a cyborg, just like Fluffy and Muffy hadn t. She d been a real human, and there had even been a time when he would have considered her cute. She still apparently believed he might one day think that about her, judging by the way she sometimes made subtle suggestions about getting into his pants. He would have gladly let her if he didn t despise what she was now. Of course her real name hadn t originally been Tuffy. That was just the codename given to her by the mad scientist that had brought her back from the dead. Five people had died when that particular s scientist s giant robot penguin had gone on a rampage, but he had only seen fit to rebuild three of the people. According to the files Lucas had found after he d killed the scientist, the scientist had ignored one of the dead people because the corpse had been too old for his experiments. The other person, Lucas s younger sister and Tuffy s best friend, had been mashed into pulp too messy to put back together. You know, it doesn t seem like it s been four years, Lucas said. Tuffy cocked her head at him. It s only been three years, Tuffy said. Three years that you ve been planning this, Lucas said. Four for me. Tuffy didn t seem to understand at first, then finally nodded. Right. I m sorry. I almost forgot. Lucas didn t respond to that. Of course she would forget. At the time Lucas had finally decided to do something about the plague that was the Hill she had still been just another stuck-up and self-centered teenager. No metal endoskeleton for her yet, just a desire to go out and get drunk, get laid, maybe even eventually seduce her best friend s cute older brother. She hadn t actually cared at all that her friend and the brother might be going through grief over the recent death of the middle sister. Of course, the official crime report had said Lucas s middle sister had died from unknown causes. That was just because the Hill s so-called special police had covered up the fact that she d been drained of blood with puncture wounds in her neck. Lucas s mom had been the only one in the family to die of natural causes, but not before she d seen both her youngest children put in their graves, graves that Lucas had made sure were consecrated so none of the horrors of the Hill could get at their bodies. He d promised his mother as she died that he d make sure his sisters were given the vengeance they deserved, but his mother had been too weak from the cancer to give him her blessing. Lucas looked at Tuffy and did his best to look like he gave a crap about what she said. She was a product of mad science rather than wild magic, but to him she was still a sign of the sickness that was this whole neighborhood. He was sure that a part of her, whether she admitted it or not, liked the Hill just as much as any of those deviants they had just tied up. They all thought this was a game, that it was a joke, that some of this might actually be funny. He put a hand forward and touched her face, and he felt her shudder with anticipation at his touch. Then he took his hand away. It was enough that she thought there could one day be something between them. It would keep her loyal. And more importantly, it would keep her from suspecting that he planned to kill her right along with every other obscene deviant on the Hill.Chapter 30 When the zombies picked up the chairs they carried all three over their heads so the chairs and their occupants were on their backs, so most of the journey consisted of Gloria just staring up at the sky. The chair backs weren t tall enough that Tuffy had been able to duct tape their heads in one position so Gloria could still turn her head and look at her surroundings, but the odd angle with which she saw everything threw off her bearings. The only landmarks she could use to gauge where they were going were a few hills and the road, and from what little she could see the zombies appeared were taking them the long way around the park to some destination. Lucas probably didn t want the people gathering at the pavilion to see them being carted away just in case they had more sympathizers there than just Wylma. However, with the average speed at which the zombies moved, Gloria actually found herself growing bored despite herself. Apparently she wasn t the only one.I spy with my little eye, Caleb said. Something that s gray. Is it a zombie? Gloria asked. Caleb sighed. Yes. I wonder why Lucas didn t just kill us, she said. My guess? Caleb said. He ll need people to test some of the artifacts on. You know, just to show that they re real. Oh that s just lovely, Gloria said. I hope he actually lets us get to pick which ones we get killed by. I ve always wondered what it would be like to have my brains melted to sugar by the Pretty Pink Thing. Well at least we know what the Pretty Pink Thing does, Caleb said. With my luck I ll probably be used to demonstrate the effects of That. And what exactly is it that That does? Gloria asked. I don t know. I ll let you know after it kills me. What about you, Phil? Gloria asked. Got a preference? There was no answer, and Gloria tried looking all around her for him. She knew he was being carried right along with them, but she couldn t move her head enough to see him. Phil? You re still here, right? I m here, Phil said somewhere in the direction of Gloria s feet. I m just do you see Sue anywhere around here? Gloria looked around but didn t see any sign of her. Sorry, not where I can see right now. Me either, Caleb said. Sorry, dude. Lucas might have sent her somewhere else, Gloria said. You know, probably doesn t want her around you when she seems so reluctant to eat your head. Yeah, Phil said, I guess nothing truly says I love you like saying I wouldn t eat you brains if I had the chance. Does anybody have any earth-shattering ideas on how to get out of this? Caleb asked. Cuz I m having a little difficulty coming up with anything here. Nothing at the moment, Gloria said. I suppose when Tuffy took our duffel bags we should have asked her to leave us something to, oh, perhaps cut through all the tape she put around our hands and ankles. Actually, you should totally do that the next time this happens, Caleb said. Just to see if maybe you can get it to work. So you re simply assuming that getting duct taped to chairs is something that will happen to us again? Gloria asked. Honestly, Caleb said, I m kind of surprised it s taken as long as it has. You have a point, Gloria said. She was quiet for a few seconds before speaking again. She couldn t see Caleb either, but he sounded nearer than Phil did so she dropped her voice low enough that hopefully only Caleb could hear. Hey, Caleb? He didn t answer right away, but when he did his volume matched hers. What? What are the chances that you think we could actually die this time? The chances are always pretty high, I guess. No, not really. Most of the time it really just does feel like fun and games. I certainly don t have fun. Feels more like work to me. But work doesn t usually kill you. It can when you work the night shift around here. So what would you say are chances are of dying right now? If I had to estimate? His tone was much more solemn than his words would suggest. About three thousand and fifteen percent. Oh. Well, I suppose, just in case, I should let you know that I actually had a really good time on our first date. All things considered. Caleb chuckled. Yeah. Me too. And also, just in case. I should let you know something too. Something I ve actually thought about for a long time now but never wanted to say. What s that? I wouldn t eat your brains if I had the chance. Despite herself Gloria actually smiled. Maybe I wouldn t eat yours either. Maybe. Hey, guys? Phil said. Sorry to interrupt your heartfelt fatalistic moment here, which I can totally hear by the way, but we really should be trying to think of something here. Okay, fine, Gloria said. Can either of you get a view of where they re taking us? Seems to me like they may be taking us to the third pavilion, Caleb said. Out of the way enough that we won t be trouble, but close enough that the zombies can pull us over if they need a guinea pig. Have we really even figured out what Lucas expects to accomplish here? Phil said. We still don t have the pieces really put together. No, we don t, Gloria said. Caleb, you never got a chance to answer my question before. What exactly does the Confused Amulet of Water do? Ooh, I actually know this one, Phil said. It causes things like firestorms and explosions, although he ll be protected from it by some sort of magical field. Then why would it be called the Amulet of Water? Gloria asked. Because it s confused, Caleb said. Duh. And the Confused Amulet of Fire could cause floods big enough to destroy entire coastal cities. Firestorms and explosions, Gloria said. The answer came to her almost instantly. Oh god. I can t believe that didn t occur to me before. What? Caleb said. What do you think you got? We ve been going with assumption this whole time that he just stole all that stuff because he thinks he can make a profit, Gloria said. But he didn t just invite the richest people on the Hill to his little auction. Think about it. Wylma, Moorealan, Mary McPhisto, and the Lunatics. What do all those people have in common? Pretty much nothing, Phil said. Unless you count the fact that I ve heard of them all. That s exactly what they have in common, Gloria said. You ve heard of them all because they re all the big powers and most influential people on the Hill. And for anyone else who s going to be coming tonight, I bet they re all the biggest players on the Hill. You could probably say that these people are what make the Hill so different in the first place. Caleb finally caught on. He intends to kill everyone. He took all the artifacts as a way to get them all in one place. All of the people tonight are going to either want the artifacts for themselves or want to keep them from getting into the wrong hands. But he kept one aside that he thought he could use to kill them all at once. He must not realize how powerful it really is. Oh shit, Gloria said. And just how powerful is the Amulet of Water, exactly? From what I ve heard, Phil said, it s powerful enough that it won t just stop with blowing up the people in the park. It could very well destroy the entire Hill and everyone in it. No, it s worse than that, Caleb said. That s only if the person who uses it is practiced with it. Someone who s never used it before but still has a high degree of concentration would probably put enough power into it to incinerate the entire city. And if he doesn t have a high degree of concentration? Gloria asked. If he s, oh I don t know, distracted from trying to control a horde of zombies or maybe by the cravings of the uncontrollable drug he s been taking? Then the entire state goes up in a mushroom cloud, Caleb said, and most likely the rest of the world would plunge into a nuclear winter. That s the bright side, at least. How is nuclear winter the bright side? Gloria asked. Gloria thought she could almost hear Caleb shrug. We d be too incinerated to have to worry about it.Chapter 31 Lucas brought in about half the zombies to form a loose perimeter around the central pavilion as the final guests were sighted on their way through the park. He needed the space to look secure without spooking any of the guests, and he d long ago decided zombies would be the best for this stage of his plan. Once he had begun researching which items Caleb would probably have, research that consisted mostly of seeking out the most outrageous stories and legends revolving around the clerk, it had been clear that the Flute of All Flesh would be essential to the setup of his plan. He had made the cyborg trio round up most of the zombies earlier in the week, leaving only enough loose that it wouldn t seem suspicious to anyone inclined to ask questions about that sort of thing. He d never played the flute before in his life, but while planning he had learned just enough to play a few key songs. After he d left the OneStop he d gone to the places where he d been keeping all the zombies and got them under his control. Now that it was done he didn t need the flute anymore, and it could wait on the tables right along with all the others.Unfortunately, the zombie standing right next to him as he watched the guests from the pavilion was proof that he should have practiced more. Phil s undead whore had proved to be a problem so far, so he didn t want the bitch just roaming around with all the other zombies. But he didn t want to kill her just yet either. There was always still the possibility he might need her as leverage. She stood just behind Fluffy as the cyborg guarded the artifacts, occasionally shaking as she tried to do something outside of Lucas s wishes. Lucas didn t like that, but as long as he kept her within sight she shouldn t be a problem.Lucas stepped out from the pavilion and started walking among all the guests. Some of them had probably guessed that he was the one in charge here and the one who had called them all, but most of them didn t know him from Adam. The OneStop smock probably gave some of them the impression that he would be here as a friend of Caleb, and that was enough to make some keep their distance from him. For someone who lived such a sad and pathetic life, Caleb had some peculiar amounts of respect on the Hill. Lucas had been watching and researching Caleb for some time, almost since Caleb had first started at the OneStop Mart. How that guy became what he had was a complete mystery to Lucas, but at least Caleb s presumption had made it easy to learn where he kept his trophies.Few of the guests conversed with each other. That wasn t too surprising, considering how many of the people here were open enemies. Mary McPhisto and Moorealan kept their distance from one another, and occasionally Lucas could see crackles of energy in the air between them as though they were magically testing one another. They wouldn t break out into open hostilities with the threat of so many artifacts that could be used to keep the peace, though. George the Hedgehog kept his distance from everyone as well, but that was probably more because he was afraid people would step on him. George had a bodyguard with him to keep people away in any case, although no one in their right mind would have intentionally stepped on a sentient hedgehog whose quills were poisoned to cause people to vomit their stomachs out. He wasn t the only one who needed a bodyguard by necessity. A robot, built to look human except for a few conspicuous bolts and gears, carried around a glass jar with a man s head suspended in green fluid. The head s eyes were open and alert, looking around at all the other guests with interest. The Senator Park Lunatics hadn t arrived at the pavilion yet, since they had just entered Leechman Park a minute or so ago, but the Walnut Creek Werebunnies already had several representatives present. Seven or eight more people stood around, some human and others not. Every single one of them was a person of great power or influence on the Hill.Lucas approached one person that he didn t recognize, though. He was an average looking older white man in a non-descript suit, but he wore sunglasses despite the nighttime and held a briefcase in his hand similar to the one Mary McPhisto had brought. The only difference was that this man had the briefcase handcuffed to himself. Excuse me, sir, Caleb said as he extended a hand to the man. I don t believe I ve met you yet. The man shook Lucas s hand and responded in a monotone. My name is Hamilton Baxter. And no, you wouldn t have met me.Did I invite you tonight? Lucas asked. Because this is a very exclusive event. Yes, I understand. Your shall I call them your security people? They attempted to stop me at the edge of the park. But I have a way with people. They re not people. They re zombies. No one is supposed to have a way with them except me. Of course. Forgive me. But I was forced to find a way into the park anyway, as while you may not have invited me specifically I am in fact here on behalf of my employer, who was indeed invited. With his free hand Mr. Baxter reached into his suit pocket, pulled out a business card, and then handed it to Lucas. It bore the distinct and instantly recognizable logo of Qwark Telecommunications. My instructions to Mr. Qwark said specifically that he was to come himself, Lucas said. Of course. Indeed. But Mr. Qwark is not in the habit of following instructions given by anybody other than himself. Lucas resisted saying anything angry. His wanted to attack the man and try ripping his throat out, but he knew that to be more a remnant of the extract than anything else. The whole purpose of inviting all of these people here had been to make sure he got rid of all the purveyors of filth and indecency that made the Hill so horrible, but in truth he hadn t been sure about inviting the head of Qwark Telecommunications in the first place. There were many stories about Mr. Qwark, but all of them were vague. He had been the only one smart enough to request a demonstration and pictures of the artifacts to prove they were real, which was why Lucas had used the cube the second time and brought the penny along as well, so Qwark had to know a lot about these things. In the end Lucas had wanted him here simply to be thorough, but if he wasn t here Lucas could live with that. If Qwark was a threat then Lucas was could take care of the man at a later date. Lucas did his best to politely dismiss himself from Mr. Baxter and checked his watch. The Senator Park Lunatics were still not within the immediate vicinity, but it was now three o clock. All of these people would expect the auction to be starting now. He had hoped he could ignore the charade of actually having an auction, but he didn t want everyone to get restless before the last people arrived. He wanted to make sure everyone was in range when it mattered. Lucas reached into the pocket of his cargo pants and caressed the Confused Amulet of Water. It was warm to his touch, like it already knew exactly what it needed to do tonight and was already preparing. When everyone was here, that was when he would put the cord of the amulet around his neck. And that would be when all the evil was finally punished.Chapter 32 Okay everybody, Caleb said. Phil could tell from his voice that he was starting to panic but didn t want it heard. Phil could understand that completely right now. I m going to say your name and then count to three and then you re going to tell me the first idea for an escape attempt that comes to your mind.The zombies had set their chairs down in a line in the eastern pavilion and now were just shambling about with no apparent rhyme or reason. They stayed close to the three captives but made no sign that any of them heard what the three of them were saying. It was more like being surrounded by guard dogs than people. Rotting, festering guard dogs that stank to high heaven, but guard dogs nonetheless. There were probably better things Phil could be thinking of right now, but it suddenly occurred to him how little Sue usually stank. Maybe she used some special zombie hygiene products that her peers weren t unaware of. It was funny how a person s mind started dwelling on such things when he was about to be blown away in the magical equivalent of a nuclear explosion.Caleb, Gloria said, I don t think that s going to help much. I guess that means you re the first one to volunteer, Caleb said. Ready? One two three go! Phil was sure from the movement of her shoulders that she would have thrown her hands up in exasperation if they weren t duct taped behind the chair s back. You can t just expect us to come up with some brilliant escape plan like that! I don t expect it to be brilliant at all, Caleb said. But an idiotic escape plan made up at the spur of the moment with no real chance of succeeding would still be better than just sitting here waiting to die. Try it again. One two three go! Gloria sighed and shrugged. Fine. We, uh grease ourselves up with Crisco to help us slide out of the tape. And where the hell would we get Crisco? Phil asked. Hey, Caleb said it didn t have to be a good plan. Yep, at least we re getting our brains going, Caleb said. You re turn, Phil. One two three go! Man, this is stupid. It s not going to do anything, Phil said. They probably all had to face the truth. He wished, though, that Sue were here. Not just because he might be able to get her to fight Lucas s control long enough to free him, but because if he really was going to die he would rather it would be with her. Maybe no one else knew what it was that he saw in Sue, but he always kept going back to what he knew about how she had died, how she had done her best to save people, how she had fought off the Oh. Hey, Gloria said. If I had to play his idiotic game then you do too. So do it already. One two three go. Phil turned to look at them both on his right. We dance our way out. Both Caleb and Gloria stared at him for a moment before they turned to look at each other. Okay, your turn for a hopelessly ill thought out plan, Gloria said to him. One two three go. No wait, Phil said. I m serious here. No fair jumping on my turn, Caleb said. I was going to suggest something involving pigs and broken pieces of G.I. Joe action figures. Just listen, all right? Phil said. Or even better yet. Watch for a second. He looked down at himself, unsure exactly how he was going to do this. His legs were taped to the wooden chair legs at the calves, giving him just a little bit of room to move his ankles and feet. Better yet, the chair was just a little too short for his larger height. That meant that his feet, when completely flat against the cement floor of the pavilion, pushed the front chair legs up off the ground several inches. He looked up and surveyed the zombies. There were six now. The rest had apparently been called back by Lucas's will to watch over the auction. None of the remaining zombies were facing their captives, and most of them weren t even under the roof of the pavilion. Pushing off a little with his feet, he moved the chair a little to the left. Then he moved it a little to the right. He added in just a hint of rhythmic movement to his shoulders and bobbed his head to the time of music that didn t actually exist. The nearest zombie groaned and turned toward him. Phil continued the movements as a second zombie looked at him, then a third. The first zombie took a wobbly step toward him, and the noise that came from its mouth didn t sound happy. Phil stopped moving. The second and third zombies went back to their aimless moving back and forth right away. The first one continued to stare at Phil for several seconds before he seemed to loose interest and followed his cohorts examples. Okay, Gloria said. So just what the hell was that? Rhythmic movement. The closest I can come to dancing while I m tied up in a freaking chair. I don t get it, Gloria said. Didn t I ever tell you how Sue died? Phil asked. No. Not that I can remember. But you told me, Caleb said. Gloria looked at him and he explained. There was this famous music video in the eighties. You know, the one with the dancing zombies? Um, yeah, everyone s seen that one. Well, long story short, Phil said. Sue died while they were making it all because real zombies hate it when people dance in front of them. The dead can t dance, so they re jealous. Ooookay. Whatever, Gloria said. So just how is that going to get us out of these chairs? Ever see an angry zombie? Phil asked. They can get vicious, and they re a whole lot stronger than they look. Strong enough that they can rip apart, oh, say for example a wooden chair. Yeah, sure, Caleb said. Because they would really destroy the chairs we re sitting in before they would destroy us. Maybe they would, Phil said. You know, if right as they re about to attack we throw ourselves to the ground and get the chairs between us and them. Then with the chairs gone we can get up and make a run for the center pavilion. That s a completely stupid idea, Gloria said. The zombies are still more likely to kill us than anything else. Do either of you have a better idea? I mean I m all for using Crisco and pigs instead, but I forgot to bring mine with me. And I left mine in my duffel bag, Caleb said. Or at least the Crisco. I didn t have any pigs in there. Please tell me you re joking, Gloria said. Maybe I am and maybe I m not. I can think of a whole lot of great uses for Crisco. Right, Phil said, before we take this conversation to its destined place in the gutter, maybe we should get a move on our only existing plan? You know, with the inevitable end of the world coming up on us any minute now? Caleb looked first at Phil then at Gloria, then shrugged. What the hell. I can think of worse ways to die than while dancing, right? He shifted all his weight in the chair to one side then the other. Gloria did something similar, followed by Phil. He again moved the rest of his body in rhythm to his feet. He was sure what he was doing would never get him any respect on any stage or dance floor, but it didn t have to resemble a good dance. It just had to be recognizable as any sort of dance at all. The same zombie that had reacted before turned to look at them again. His moan this time was much louder than earlier, and all five of the other zombies heard it and turned to where the first was looking. With a complete lack of rhythm of its own, the first zombie started coming towards them. The rest fell in closely behind it. Okay, so we ve got their attention, Caleb said. Now what? Actually it looks like only me and Phil have their attention, Gloria said. They re coming towards both of us, not you. Well why the hell not? Caleb said. He was banging his head furiously and it was hard to hear his words. Because just banging your head and stumbling your chair back and forth is not dancing, Phil said. You have no freaking rhythm whatsoever. I do so! Then try following a beat, white boy, Gloria said. I am! The zombies were all grouping together now and getting closer, but more importantly they seemed to be getting angrier. They were all moaning now, and the volume was getting very loud. Although they all still moved slowly they did at least seem to be trying to move quicker. Their legs were going a little higher and their arms were swaying a little more, and their heads seemed to be bobbing in a much slower version of what Phil was doing. No, he realized. They weren t trying to move faster at all. They were trying to dance along with their captives, and they were failing. And boy was it making them pissed. I think it s working, Phil said. Oh yay, the pack of zombies now wants to kill us, Caleb said. We ve succeeded. Go us. The zombies were only a few more feet away, their swaying hands reaching out for the captives, and Phil could feel the wind from their moving fingertips against his face. Okay, they re close enough. On three, everyone try to tip yourselves over, and try to roll enough that the chair is between you and the zombies. Ready? One, two Caleb got a little over-zealous in his attempts at rhythm and fell to his right, hitting Gloria and knocking her over with him. Or we could go now, Phil said. He pushed off with his right foot as hard as he could, and his chair tipped over to the left. He let out a grunt as he landed hard with his arm against the solid concrete floor, but he didn t waste any time dwelling on the pain. He tried to roll himself over so the chair legs were sticking out in the direction of the zombies, but it was more difficult than he had thought it would be. He also couldn t really see the zombies from this angle. Are they still coming? Phil said. He could barely hear his own words over the zombies groans. I think so, Gloria said. But I can t really see where they oh shiiiiit! Phil tried to turn his head to see what was happening, but it sounded like Gloria s voice was now several feet in the air. Instead of just attacking her, it sounded like the zombies had actually lifted her into the air. Phil, I think your plan is officially a fail! Phil felt a jerk from behind as the zombies grabbed the chair and lifted it. For a brief moment he got a glimpse of three zombies picking him up, and then he was on his back over their heads. From what he had seen of their posture, it appeared that they were getting ready to throw him. He doubted that being thrown across the pavilion onto a concrete floor when he couldn t break his fall would be a fun thing. He closed his eyes tight and waited for the impact. It came a second later, but from a completely different direction than he had expected. He heard the growling first, then there was a thump as the zombies seemed to drop out from underneath him. His stomach lurched as the chair dropped beneath him, but something caught it before it hit the ground. There were some more angry groans from the zombies, but they were cut short by the sounds of their decayed flesh ripping, followed by more frenzied growls. As his chair was dropped to the floor, although much more gently than he had originally expected, Phil finally opened his eyes. And stared right up into the drooling mouth of a half-transformed werewolf. He stifled a scream as the werewolf moved out of his vision, and Phil turned his head to see four other wolves nearby. Three of them were ripping apart the zombies just a few feet away, but the last one, a woman, was gently setting Gloria s chair down in its proper position on the floor. And now, this time, the werewolf said to her, you really do owe me. Yes, Gloria said with a smile. I guess I do.Chapter 33 One of the werewolves, a smallish teenage girl that the leader had called Snoopy, righted Caleb s chair and ripped the duct tape from around his wrists. He rubbed them as she removed the tape at his ankles, and he looked at Gloria as the leader, who according to Gloria was apparently called Fido, did the same thing for her. He d heard of the Senator Park Lunatics but had never actually met them before. They tended to keep to their own territory of the Hill and he had never had any desire to go looking for them before. He was glad now that Gloria didn t share the same attitude.Another of the Lunatics, a young guy Fido referred to as Butch, undid Phil s tape as Caleb and Gloria stood up. Phil stood as well when he could, but he took a moment to give an unhappy look to the pile of ripped apart zombies that had been thrown behind them all. Caleb expected him to say something about it, but thankfully Phil kept his mouth shut for now. This was not the time to worry about such things.Glad you decided to come tonight after all, Gloria said. I got another call sometime after you left, Fido said. Same guy saying he still had the artifacts, except he also said that the Walnut Creekers would be here. I couldn t let them get a hold of all that stuff to use against us. It s lucky for you that we were running late and heard the zombies groaning on our way over. I saw you guys shimmying around in your chairs. Just what the fuck did you guys think you were doing? We were trying to dance, Caleb said. So they would pay enough attention to us to try to kill and rip the chairs apart in the process. Wow, now that I say it like that it sounds like an even dumber plan than it did before. Well if you could move your chairs a little and the zombies weren t really paying attention, Snoopy said, then why didn t you all just move your chairs so the backs were together and then pull off the tap on each other s wrists? Caleb blinked, looked at Gloria, and then they both stared at Phil. Phil held his hands up in a warding-off gesture. Hey, don t look at me. I m not the only one who completely failed to think of the most logical way to escape. Look, it doesn t matter now, Gloria said. Fido, we need your help. We think that any minute now Lucas is going to use one of the artifacts to kill everyone here. Then let s get the fuck out of here already, Fido said. I don t know who else showed up, but if the Walnut Creekers are here I really don t give a shit how horribly they die. Actually, Caleb said, he ll probably end up killing the whole rest of the world right along with them. Oh, Fido said. That s kinda not cool. Right, so we need to get going, Gloria said. It could happen at any moment now. They re at the center pavilion, Caleb said. Come on. They ran as fast as they could, which was actually a little too fast in the case of the five Lunatics. Gloria had to call out for them to slow down, but she kept her voice down as she did it. Caleb supposed that made sense. There was no telling if the noise they had made at the eastern pavilion had been heard at the center one, but if it hadn t then they would want their attack to be at least semi-stealthy. Caleb ran alongside Gloria and tried not to breathe too hard. If they survived this tonight he decided it might be a good idea to invest in a gym membership. So are we actually going to have a plan this time? Caleb asked. Why start now? Gloria said. It s not like any other plan we ve had all night worked even a little bit. Well at least we have to figure out how we re going to get the Amulet of Water away from him first. As soon as he starts to use it we re officially screwed. How exactly is it that someone uses the amulet, anyway? she asked. He has to put the cord of the amulet around his neck and then say the magic words. Which are? We don t need no water, let the motherfucker burn. Okay, fine. So he probably already has the amulet around his neck, right? No, probably not. It s big, about the size of like a tea plate or something, and kind of thick. If he had it on, even underneath his shirt, people would be able to see it and know something is up. Gloria gestured for all the Lunatics to stop and put a finger to her lips as they approached one of the hills. If Caleb had the layout of the park right, then the central pavilion would be just a short distance on the other side. He even thought he could see the head of one of the zombies poking out just slightly from over the hill, but it was turned away towards whatever was going on at the pavilion. There was a loud voice speaking that sounded like it might belong to Lucas. He seemed to have started the auction already. Okay, Gloria whispered to Caleb. So if he wouldn t be wearing it then where would it be? I don t have the foggiest, Caleb whispered. Ooh, I know that one, Phil said. He had it in one of the pockets of his pants. Pocket of his pants. Gotcha, Gloria said. So here s the plan, and hopefully this time we have one that will actually work **** Thank you all for coming, Lucas said. All the people, if these things could really be called that, turned to look at him as he stood in front of the tables. He had Fluffy and Tuffy shine flashlights on him so that even the creatures without night vision could see him. He d waited a few more minutes than he should have for the Lunatics to show up, but they still hadn t made it across the park to join the gathering yet. He sent two of the zombies out to lead them here, just in case they couldn t find where the meeting was, but he hadn t been able to wait any longer. If he didn t start acting like he really intended to auction the artifacts off then some of them might start to get suspicious. Unfortunately, while he had certainly planned for this possibility, he hadn t actually prepared himself for the idea of talking in front of so much evil as though he belonged among them.So, um, it s all here, Lucas said. Or at least most of it. I, uh, sort of had some problems with a few of the items earlier in the night, so the Confused Amulet of Fire and Rubik s Ultimate Cube will not be up for sale, but I m sure excuse me, sir. Where are you going?A two-headed man near the back of the group had started to walk away from the crowd and towards the perimeter of zombies, but he stopped and looked back at Lucas when he spoke. Sorry, the right head said, but the only reason I came was because I heard you had the cube.Good luck with everything else, the left head said, and then they started moving towards the edge again.No, sir, please just stick around, Lucas said. I m sure that maybe there s something else here you might be He trailed off. This was just ridiculous. He shouldn t have to be stammering like a nervous sales person trying desperately to make his only possible commission of the day. He was the lone hero against all these agents of depravity, and he had to make himself act like it.He felt the urge to stick himself with the last syringe he had in his left pocket, but that wouldn t help. It would only make things worse at this stage. But he desperately wanted to do it anyway. He had to concentrate.As the two-headed man came to the outer ring of zombies Lucas had two of them grab him by the arms. The man struggled for a moment, but the zombies proved to be stronger than whatever special abilities he might have.Look, it s quite simple, Lucas said. I m sure everyone here understands that under the circumstances security is of the utmost importance. And for security reasons, I can t let anyone leave until the auction is over. Is that understood?Now look here, the right head said. Do you have any idea who I am? If you don t get your thugs to unhand meLucas was so sick of this. So many of these things thought they were important, that they really mattered. None of them had a place in the real world, yet they refused to see that. And the urge to pull out the syringe just got so much stronger. He hated it all so much. Just hated it so muchHe didn t quite realize he was giving the order to the zombies until after they followed through on it. One zombie punched right through the ear of the right head and directly into the brain. The other let go of the arm it had been holding long enough to get a grip with both hands on the upper and lower parts of the left head s mouth, then ripped the jaw right off before proceeding to start digging in the head s eyes. Lucas actually jumped at the sudden brutality of it. Maybe that hadn t been a good idea. Maybe the rest of the guests would be spooked now and try to runHe looked out on the crowd. One or two had gone pale at the gory display, but not a single one seemed to be shocked. Just further proof that they were all monsters.Lucas had to struggle to make himself heard over the wet ripping sounds the zombies made as they dug into the man s brains. As I was saying. No one leaves until the auction is over. And since I m sure everyone would like to get back to their lives as soon as possible, let s start then. The first item we ll be bidding on tonight is the Flute of All Flesh. I m, um, sure that some of these later items you will want demonstrations of to make sure they really are what I say they are, but you ve already just seen a perfect example of what the fluteLucas! The word came from the top of the hill to Lucas s left, but he didn t even need to turn and look at it to realize who it was. That was the same condescending voice that had treated him like he was useless the night before. Granted, Lucas had been trying to look like he knew absolutely nothing about the Hill, but he had found himself resenting it anyway. And now the bastard was free and well, Lucas couldn t really be sure what the hell it was Caleb was doing.Caleb stood at the top of the hill with Gloria and Phil on either side of him. When Lucas looked up all three of them started waving their hands wildly in the air at him. Hey dude, Caleb screamed. Where did you learn to tape up hostages? You suck! The other two erupted into a repeated chant of You suck! You suck! and Lucas couldn t do much more than stand there and stare in disbelief. Not only were these three the epitome of all that was wrong and evil with the Hill, but they also apparently had the emotional maturity of twelve-year olds.Even as Lucas thought that, all three of them turned around, grabbed the backs of their pants, and mooned him.Damn it zombies, kill them already! Lucas screamed. He didn t actually have to say it out loud, but he felt his patience going. It couldn t matter how far away the damned werewolves were now. They had to be close enough that the amulet would take them out along with everyone else, and none of the people in the crowd would notice if he pulled it out and put it on now. They were all too busy looking up at the hill and staring at the three clerks with their fraternity-reject shenanigans. He started to reach for the pocket with the amulet Only to have a werewolf rush up from behind and pants him. Chapter 34 Caleb pulled his pants back up and turned around just in time to see the Lunatics run through the pavilion from behind Lucas and do their part of the plan. There were zombies lurching towards the three of them now, but Caleb couldn t make himself run just yet. He was too busy trying not to laugh his ass off. The only thing that would have made this better was if Caleb himself were able to be the one doing the pantsing. But they d all decided that it had to be the werewolves, as they were the only ones among them that would be fast enough to break past any zombies guarding the far side of the pavilion and strong enough to take on Fluffy and Tuffy. Butch and Bruiser came up around the side of the tables and tackled the two cyborgs as Fido went down the center, jumped over the tables, and landed exactly behind Lucas before grabbing the waist of his pants and yanking them down hard to reveal the exact same scorched Spongebob Squarepants boxers that Lucas had been wearing the night before. One of the other werewolves, Spot, ran up behind Sue and picked her up off the ground. Phil had asked specifically that if anyone saw her they would get her out to the way of whatever fight was inevitably about to ensue, which left only Snoopy to try gathering the artifacts on the table. From what Caleb could see, though, things were degenerating too fast for her to possibly grab them all in time.The instant the werewolves showed up behind Lucas, the crowd erupted into chaos. He couldn t even see where the commotion began, but if what the werewolves had said was any indication it could have been from the small group of humanoid bunnies at the back of the group. There was a scream and they started to rush towards the pavilion, maybe thinking the Lunatics were trying to get the artifacts to use against them, but they weren t the only ones surging the pavilion. Half the people rushed the it while the other half scattered in all directions. The zombies all around tried to stop everyone trying to escape, they were too slow. From someone in the crowd an arc of electricity surged and cut off most of the group from the pavilion. Someone else sent out a ball of fire that slammed into two of the werebunnies, who screamed as their white fur became instantly charred black. A man wearing a suit and sunglasses who had been running away from the pavilion inexplicably bent over and started vomiting. From what Caleb could see the stuff coming out of his mouth didn t look like it had ever been food.Gloria and Phil both finished pulling up their pants again as several of the zombies got to within a couple feet of them, and Caleb was already pulling them back over the hill. Come on, we should go down and around and back towards the pavilion, Caleb said. Neither of them tried to argue. They both followed him back to the bottom of the hill, getting plenty of distance on the zombies before Gloria took the lead.I think I saw our duffel bags heaped over at the far end, she said. Caleb let her go first. He looked back up the hill to see several lightning bolts shoot up into the sky followed by some multi-colored blast that hurt his eyes to look at. Some of the screaming had stopped, but the cacophony of sounds that was replacing it didn t sound much better. The plan had been to cause a distraction and a little bit of chaos, but with so many deadly artifacts still over there just waiting to be grabbed by any one of those people, it was possible this was just a little too much chaos. **** Lucas only had a second to try to react as the werewolf bitch yanked his pants down around his ankles. Then the second was gone and she pulled them out from under him, sending him sprawling face first to the concrete floor. He tried to scream as his nose broke, but the blood gushing from it already choked him up too much for the sound to come out. He wasn t going to let them stop him, not now. He d come so close to finally wiping these God-forsaken people from the face of the Earth and he wasn t going to let ridiculous high school pranks like this keep him from giving everyone the karma they had coming.The crowd screaming and freaked out as the other werewolves came up from behind with the one who had attacked him. He turned to look at the tables full of artifacts to see one werewolf crouched on top of them as she tried to scoop them up. She had the flute, the Omega Sword, and That, but as she tried to grab the One Clog and the bag of crumbs they slipped from her fingers. Electricity began shooting out from someone in the crowd, and one arc came dangerously close to the werewolf girl s back. She yipped and jumped away, dashing with what few artifacts she had grabbed towards where she had come from. There was a rip from Lucas s pants as the first werewolf tried to pull them off his legs, but they were caught on his shoes and he had finally recovered enough from his initial surprise to struggle to keep them around his ankles. The werewolf grabbed at the right side of the pants and raked a claw along the pockets, and the Confused Amulet of Water tumbled out to the floor. Lucas tried to turn over off his stomach and grab at it, but his legs got tangled in the pants and he couldn t move fast enough. The werewolf lunged for the amulet and caught the cord in its claws before letting out a howl and leaping away.Lucas pounded his fist against the ground. That evil shit! He tried to untangle himself from the pants as the werewolf followed after the other one who had run off with its artifacts. Lucas even thought he saw Caleb, Gloria, and Phil run up to meet her. This couldn t be happening. Things were going too far out of control. He would have ordered Fluffy and Tuffy to go after her, but both of them were currently wrestling werewolves of their own. People were running up trying to get what artifacts still remained on the table, but more electrical bolts and various energy blasts kept shooting out to keep people away. Lucas could only guess that it was that sorceress bitch Caleb had gone to see earlier in the night. He d only invited her here to be thorough and make sure he got rid of every single danger to humanity, but he should have known that she would be a part of whatever Caleb and the others had planned. Lucas was failing, and now more than ever he felt like he needed another fix of the extract.He smiled as he pulled his pants back up. The werewolf may have gotten what was in his right pocket, but it had never bothered to check the left. **** As they rounded the hill and reached the far side of the pavilion Phil looked out and tried to make sense of everything that was going on, but that was pretty difficult. The crowd had thinned somewhat as some of the people had taken off running from the park, but what was left was just a mess of werewolves, cyborgs, werebunnies, sorcerers, zombies, and several things that he couldn t immediately recognize. Wylma was making wild gestures with her hands and screaming things that Phil couldn t hear, resulting in random magic attacks going at any who came too close to the tables. Moorealan and Mary McPhisto stood less than five feet away from each other and were staring directly into each other s eyes, but despite their apparent lack of movement there was a wind whipping around them and lightning flying off both of them at each other. Multiple zombies were grabbing for people and multiple skulls were being crushed. A purple unicorn ran from behind the hill and dashed out towards open land in the park.What the hell? Caleb yelled as he looked out after the unicorn. It was the only way to be heard over all the noise. Why the hell is there a unicorn here?Maybe it was just wandering through the park, Gloria yelled back. Or maybe someone over in that mess summoned it.The unicorn was quickly followed by three more, plus an emu and a wallaby. And those? Caleb asked.Beats me, Gloria said. I don t even know why I try to figure it out anymore. Has anyone seen Sue? Phil asked. Both Caleb and Gloria looked around for her, but it was Spot who ran up to him with Sue in his arms. Got her right here, Spot said, and he set Sue down next to Phil. Sue had been shaking the entire time, probably from trying to resist Lucas s commands to eat the brains of everybody in sight, but the shaking now was far worse than when he d seen her earlier. She looked less like she was trying to fight off unwanted commands than she was having epileptic seizures. Sue? Phil said as he grabbed her arms. Both Caleb and Gloria reached out as though to pull him away from her, but he waved them away. Sue baby? Please tell me you re all right? She doesn t look so good, Spot said. We ve got to get the flute, Phil said. Right here! Snoopy ran up to join them, with Fido close behind with the amulet, and they both handed the artifacts they had grabbed to Caleb. He took them and gave all three a glance. We can use these, he said, then held up the flute where everyone could see. Does anybody know how to play this? Everyone shook their head. Come on, it doesn t have to be good. In fact, it needs to be bad. Well, I used to play the oboe, Snoopy said. Phil didn t stop to wonder why a werewolf might know how to play an oboe, but it didn t matter. With the way Sue was acting, he had to wonder if they were too late. Maybe the way she had been resisting the flute s song had already done too much damage to her. What do I need to play? Snoopy asked. Anything by Queen, Gloria said. Snoopy stared at her for a second, then shrugged, took the flute, and started to play We Are the Champions. It was quite honestly the most atrocious version of the song Phil had ever heard in his life, and yet as he saw Sue s shakes start to subside he realized it was also the sweetest song he had heard as well. Sue blinked her eyes and looked around at everybody with that herky-jerky way of most zombies. But her eyes stopped on Phil. Phiiiiil? Oh my god. Sue, you re okay! He turned to Caleb. But is she going to stay that way? You said that anyone under the flute s spell would eventually get their brain scrambled or something. Right, but I think it s not as bad the less the flute player has control. And when the player has pretty much no control like Snoopy does now, then hopefully Sue won t feel any of the negative side effects. Hopefully. There was still cause for worry in the future, Phil realized, but now was not the time to dwell on it. Now was not even the time to celebrate, since they still had a mini-riot do deal with, not to mention Fluffy, Tuffy, and Lucas. But there was still time for one thing. He leaned forward and kissed Sue. She seemed surprised at first, then returned the kiss with her usual fervor. Almost everybody around them made disgusted noises, but Phil just plain didn t give a rat s ass what anyone else thought. **** Gloria turned away from Phil and Sue s rather disturbing make-out session to look at Caleb, Fido, Snoopy and Spot. Right, enough of that. Everybody just run in and grab the rest of the artifacts while Fluffy and Tuffy are still occupied. The werewolves went right for the tables again while Gloria ran over to the stack where their duffel bags had been thrown and grabbed her crossbow and bolts. Caleb ran up next to her and went for the sword before he realized he already had a sword in his hands. Wait, do you think this might be a better weapon to use right now? Caleb asked.I don t know, Gloria said. It s not like we know much about what it can do. Right, probably shouldn t. He picked up his duffel bag and unzipped it to drop the amulet and That in. You know, I don t even know why everybody thinks the That would be so valuable anyway. It s not like anyone has the slightest clue about He was interrupted by a thick smacking sound, and Fido flew backwards through the air behind them. There were more sounds of rapid hits against flesh and Caleb turned towards the other side of the pavilion to see a speedy blur as something repeatedly slammed into Bruiser and threw him off of Tuffy. The werewolf slammed into one of the pavilion s support columns, and even over the continued ruckus Caleb could hear the crack of breaking bones. The blur moved again, this time towards Spot and Snoopy as they dashed for the tables. It slammed into both of them in the space of a second, throwing them forward and knocking all the remaining artifacts off the table. Some of the artifacts looked like they might have spun through the air into the crowd while others fell to the concrete floor. The speeding thing didn t even have to rest as it went for Butch. It s Lucas again, Gloria said. Quick, we have to get all the artifacts before we lose them! She loaded the bow as quickly as she could, but she didn t think it would be enough to take out Lucas in his super-human extract-enhanced form. The better idea would to be to just get everything and leave, then try some other time to get Lucas back for all this. Fido! Everyone else! Keep Lucas occupied! she yelled. She couldn t be sure if anyone even heard her, but she didn t have time to repeat herself. She pulled Caleb, the Omega Sword and his duffel still in his hands, as she ran for the tables. Just gather everything quick and throw it in your bag! she said and let him go to start grabbing things from the other end of the table. Most of the items on her own end were on the floor now, so she rounded the outside of the table and got down on her hands and knees to start grabbing things. Right as she reached for the first one, however, something large and heavy hit her from behind. She was thrown onto her back as Tuffy landed on top of her. The cyborg girl was heavy, way heavier than Gloria would have ever expected, and she straddled Gloria across the waist with her legs before grabbing Gloria by the throat. Oh, that s right bitch, Tuffy said. I m totally going to fuck you up for what you did earlier tonight. Tuffy squeezed just a little, but for a cyborg just a little was enough that Gloria saw black spots at the edge of her vision. This was supposed to be our big night of revenge and you ruined it! Tuffy said. Gloria reached out towards the artifact she had been about to pick up, but it was just out of reach. Of course it was. That was just the way things always happened on the Hill. If there was some critical item that was needed at a key moment, it was always just a fraction of an inch out of reach. If Gloria hadn t been gasping for breath she would have sighed. But as her fingers brushed it she realized she didn t actually have to reach it. She could feel it- but thankfully not see it thanks to Tuffy holding her head down- enough to know that when Tuffy had knocked her aside she must have also knocked the lead-lined box open. Gloria tried to say something to Tuffy, but she couldn t get the air through her larynx. What, bitch? Tuffy said. You trying to say something? Got something you want to fucking tell me? She let up on Gloria s wind pipe just a little but it was enough. Look, Gloria croaked. Look? Look at what? Tuffy asked. Look, Gloria said again as she tried to gesture with her head in the direction of the box. What the fuck are you Tuffy turned her head to look where Gloria had gestured, and her eyes stopped and went wide as she looked straight at the Pretty Pink Thing. Gloria resisted her own insane urge to look right along with Tuffy, instead keeping her eyes right on the cyborg. Oh. Oh my god, that s pretty, Tuffy said. It s it s so cute. And adorable. So adorable! Tuffy began to twitch, and for a moment her grip on Gloria s windpipe tightened. Gloria s vision went black for a moment and she felt a head rush at the sudden lack of oxygen, then Tuffy let go of Gloria completely. I just want to hug the little thing, Tuffy said, but her voice had become a monotone. Her eyes stayed on the Pretty Pink Thing, though, even as they started to leak sugar water. The sugar water started to flow from her ears too, first just in drips and then in rivulets. So cute. So cute. So cute so cute so cute socutesocutesocutecutecutecooooo Tuffy fell aside, and Gloria quickly pushed her off as tiny granulated pieces of the girl started to fall off at her fingers, nose, and ears. Gloria forced herself to look at the cyborg and not the box as Tuffy slowly finished collapsing. The metal endoskeleton stayed intact, but ever single organic piece of the girl was now sugar. Gloria closed her eyes before she reached for the box, made sure the fluffy thing was still securely inside, and closed it. As she looked at the sugary mess in front of her Gloria thought of what she had said to Caleb earlier in the night about keeping the Pretty Pink Thing in a lead box. Maybe she had thought that was overkill earlier, but boy was she glad for it now. **** Caleb was having some serious trouble keeping track of everything that was going on around him. More of the crowd had dispersed as Wylma had continued to throw spells at any of them who approached the tables, and what few had tried to stick around were backing away as the magical storm surrounding Mary McPhisto and Moorealan intensified. Even Fluffy had taken the first chance to run, and she was already halfway across the park. Caleb knew he should try to catch her, but that might be something that would have to wait for another time. After all, it wasn t like he anticipated a cyborg with a smiley face for a head to be someone who could hide for long. Some of the zombies were still trying to attack people but most of them had apparently been within earshot when Snoopy had played the flute. They wandered around aimlessly, just as confused by the carnage as anyone else, but made no real attempts to protect themselves. Behind him Caleb could hear the sounds of the werewolves fighting Lucas, and while Caleb didn t want to take his mind off what he was doing long enough to check it didn t sound to him like the werewolves were winning. Caleb grabbed the Amulet of Fire, the only one of the artifacts that was still on the table, then ran around to the other side and started looking for everything else. As he ran there was the sound of a small explosion in front of him, and he looked up to see Moorealan get blown backward as Mary McPhisto finally hit him with a powerful enough spell. She didn t waste any time gloating over her victory, however. She ran forward and grabbed something from the grass. Caleb couldn t see for sure, but he thought it looked like the Osterhaggis Key. Before Caleb could try to stop her she was already running away, moving way faster than she had any right to in her high heels.Wylma, you ve got to stop her! Caleb yelled. Wylma looked at him long enough to nod, but she didn t look like she had enough energy to stand for long. Still, she took off after McPhisto as fast as she could, already muttering the beginnings of another spell as she went.The werewolves were howling now, but it only sounded to Caleb like there were two. That didn t bode well at all. Caleb got down on his hands and knees and started searching through the grass, and almost instantly his fingers hit the baggy. When he picked it up, however, he found it open and empty. The crumbs had to have fallen out when the baggy had fallen off the table. He did a quick search of the ground looking for any little green glowing specks, but they were too small to be seen through the cover of the grass. There was nothing he could do about that, apparently. They would probably get eaten by birds or something, and while he didn t relish the idea of having to deal with super powerful robins at some point in the future he supposed it was better than some alternatives.The last growling of a werewolf stopped with a sudden whine just as Caleb came across one more artifact, but he made no move to pick it up. Instead he looked carefully around at the people that were still here. Moorealan was unconscious nearby and there were more than a few dead bodies, but everyone else was gone. Everyone living, at least. There were still a whole lot of zombies wandering about. Oh, did that ever give him an idea.He took the artifact he had found and threw it off to the side, someplace just far enough away so it would look like he wouldn t be able to reach it, and then looked for Gloria. She was getting to her feet with the Pretty Pink Thing s box in her hand. Not too far away from her was a metal skeleton-looking thing surrounded by a white powder. Caleb knew the handiwork of the Pretty Pink Thing instantly.Is that Tuffy? Caleb asked. Yep, Gloria said, her voice hoarse. I d say some witty comment about her death, but I m getting a little tired. Getting to be bedtime soon, you know. Oh, and trust me that I would like to join you. Gloria raised an eyebrow at him. No wait, I didn t mean it like that. Well, actually, yes I did but I meant it to sound a little sexier than that. You know, um, a hero saying something witty at the end to his girl. Don t you ever call me your girl ever, even if I do go to bed with you again. It was Caleb s turn to raise an eyebrow. Which I m still not saying I will. Whatever. Look, just take my duffel and all of the artifacts and get them away from Lucas. But not the Omega Sword. I m going to need that. Caleb, you can t fight him, even if that thing were to give you some sort of special abilities in a fight. He d grind you into a pulp. I know. That s why I have no intention on actually fighting him. Gloria didn t look too happy, but she took the duffel from him and ran for the hill. Phil and Sue were already there, and Phil was staring down at him like he might have been out of his mind. And maybe he was. The extract Lucas had been taking didn t seem to last for very long, but it would last long enough for him to get the duffel back from Gloria. However, Lucas also didn t seem to be too in control of himself when in super-powered form. Hopefully he was at in control enough to attempt to think clearly, even if he failed. Caleb turned back to where Lucas and the werewolves had been fighting. Bruiser was lying on the floor of the pavilion and didn t appear to be breathing. All the others were scattered around in various states of consciousness. Fido was bleeding from a whole lot of wounds, and in her semi-wolf form she was actually licking them. But there was no immediate sign of Lucas, which in these cases usually meant Caleb turned around and swung the Omega Sword just as Lucas dashed at him. Lucas was slowing down but he was still fast enough to dodge the sword and leap straight over Caleb. That put him right about where Caleb wanted him. Lucas, listen to me, Caleb said. It s over. See this sword here? Do you know what it does? Lucas stopped long enough to stare at Caleb with angry wolf-like eyes. Every word he said seemed to be an effort. Stick it into the ground and you can control the world. Sure, but do you know what else it does? Despite his obvious rage Lucas still cocked his head in curiosity. He really didn t know. That was good, because it probably didn t do anything else at all. It makes the person holding it nearly invincible. You can t fight it. You ve got to give up. Lucas s features were changed enough from the extract that Caleb couldn t quite read the emotions on his face, but Caleb thought maybe Lucas was buying it. Caleb moved a little bit to his right, and in an attempt to stay away from the sword Lucas moved slightly to his left. I m not going to let you evil sacks-of-shit win, Lucas said. He sounded more lucid now and his features were slowly beginning to turn back to normal, but he might still run forward and kill Caleb if he decided Caleb was bluffing. Caleb took a step forward, and in response Lucas took a step back. His foot bumped the artifact that Caleb had left there, and Lucas looked down at it. Then he looked back up and sneered at Caleb. And I can still defeat you. Lucas snatched up what he had found and held it up as he continued to step away from Caleb. Caleb began moving more to his right, causing Lucas to go further to his left as well as back. There were more zombies here, but they were all still too confused to pay either of them any attention. Lucas, don t, Caleb said. Do you have any idea what that does? It s the One Clog, Lucas said. He stopped backing away and used his left foot to work off his right shoe. One Clog to dance on them all. I put this on and the tremors it will cause can shake the entire Hill apart. Not as precise an ending to this pit of Hell that I was hoping, but the basic result is the same. Lucas, you can t, Caleb said, trying to sound like he was actually worried. Don t do this! With only one shoe on Lucas backed up even further, and in one last burst of speed as his form went back to normal he took the wooden clog and put it on his foot. Caleb lowered the sword and smiled. Lucas didn t seem to realize yet that Caleb was actually pleased with what had just happened. He was too busy laughing as the shoe on his foot started to move on its own. It was slow at first and it took several seconds before his other foot started moving right along with it. Now that the dance had started there was no way that Lucas could take it off. The clog would take several minutes to warm up, but when it had Lucas dancing at full power the vibrations from the dance would start to shake the earth. The resulting quakes could destroy the entire neighborhood, and probably even the city. But only after several minutes. All the zombies in the entire area turned to look at Lucas and groaned at once. Caleb couldn t help but start laughing as it dawned on Lucas that something was wrong. Lucas s sneer melted into a frown, and then his eyes went wide with fear as the entire pack of zombies lurched toward him. Caleb looked over at the hill to see Phil and Gloria doing their best to restrain Sue, but for her part it looked like she was trying to hold back her own impulses. All the others, however, didn t care. All they saw was yet another person who had the nerve to dance in front of them and rub their lack of rhythm in their faces. Caleb couldn t say that he felt sorry for Lucas at all, but he still couldn t bring himself to watch as the zombies descended and the sound of ripping flesh began.Chapter 35 Gloria winced and had to look away until the screaming stopped. She noticed that Phil continued to watch as he hugged Sue tighter to himself and he had a disturbing amount of satisfaction on his face. She supposed he had more reason to be angry at Lucas than even Caleb did, but that still didn t keep her from feeling just a little uncomfortable around him.When she looked back the zombies were starting to disperse, and while many of them continued to hang around the site of all the carnage a few of them started to wander off on other business. There was a mess on the grass where Lucas had once been, and even though Gloria had seen things like this before it still churned her stomach. Then she thought about how the guy had almost destroyed the world and her stomach churned a little less.As Gloria, Phil, and Sue started back down the hill Caleb went forward among the blood spattered remains and, using only his thumb and forefinger in order to get as little gore on himself as possible, picked up the One Clog. It moved slightly like it still wanted to dance, which was most likely because it still had a foot in it.Ugh, Caleb said as they all came closer. Somebody want to help me get this thing out of the clog? Because I d really like to avoid putting a severed foot in my duffel bag if I can avoid it. Hey, don t look at me, Phil said. Your clog, your problem. And I think I need to go take care of something right now, Gloria said. Just what the hell would you need to do so suddenly? Caleb asked. Gloria gestured over to the pavilion, and Caleb followed her gaze. Four of the Senator Park Lunatics had gotten up from where Lucas had pounded them. One of them hadn t. Caleb turned back to her. Oh. As Gloria started walking towards the pavilion she could still hear Caleb talking behind her. Well, Phil, could you pretty please help me with this then, cuz oh, Sue, I guess if you want to help wait, what are you ew! Gloria tried to ignore the smacking of lips that came immediately after. She really, really didn t want to know. In the pavilion Fido was the only one standing completely straight, despite what looked like the worst wounds out of the four werewolves who were still conscious. The other three crouched low around the torn body of Butch. Both Snoopy and Bruiser cried, but Spot looked like he was desperately trying to hold the tears in. Fido? Gloria said. Is he She was about to ask if Butch was going to be alright, but then she got a closer look at him. His body was twisted in a way that was completely unnatural even for the agile form of a werewolf. The wounds on his belly were deep enough that Gloria thought she could see organs inside, but she didn t look for long. Amazingly, probably thanks to his higher constitution as a werewolf, he was still breathing, but the breaths were shallow and erratic. The look in his eyes was unfocused, and he made no indication that he heard anything anyone said. Go away, Strippy, Fido said. We don t need you for this part. He can survive, can t he? Gloria asked. I mean, werewolves can be all super-healy. Not with this much damage, Snoopy said. We helped you out earlier, Fido said. And that was us paying you back. But when we helped you out just now? With this price? Now you owe us, you got that? You owe us big time, and when we come around to collect you better be prepared to pay, you got that? Gloria didn t like the sound of that at all. It had been nice to have a favor the Lunatics owed her, but she wasn t so sure it was a safe idea to owe them one. Still, considering this, the only right thing to do would be to honor it. I got it, Gloria said. Now get the fuck out of my sight, Fido said. And don t come around Senator Park ever again unless we ask for you. But what about him? Gloria asked, pointing down at Butch. We know exactly what will help him, Fido said. But you don t have the fucking right to watch. Gloria nodded but couldn t meet any of their eyes before turning away and walking back to Caleb. After she was some distance away she heard a whine that suddenly cut short, like a dog being put down. Caleb was trying to clean some of the blood off the clog with a ripped piece of the OneStop smock Lucas had been wearing, and while Sue was standing nearby Gloria didn t see any sign of Phil. Where d he go? she asked. He s right there, Caleb said, gesturing as Phil jogged back down the hill. She s not far, Phil said. Looks like she fell asleep in mid-run. Who? Gloria asked. Wylma, Caleb said. She went running after Mary McPhisto, but I think all the spells she was throwing around took too much out of her. If it s anything like what happened to her earlier then she won t be out for long. So we need to get her someplace where she can finish sleeping it off, Gloria said. And then I suppose we can call the special cops to clean this up, but I don t think any of us want to be around when they get here. Probably do whatever we can to clean up here and help anyone who s wounded or anything. Then what? Caleb shrugged. That s kind of a duh. We just saved the world from certain destruction. Where else would we go after that? All three of them said it at the same time. OneStop. **** Phil held Sue s hand all the way back to the OneStop. He wasn t sure how much she was aware of what had happened, but she certainly seemed awfully clingy now. He wondered if it was possible for a zombie to be psychologically scarred. Probably, he guessed. If a zombie could love, then any other emotional state had to be possible.As they went through the OneStop s doors, however, they were all laughing, even Sue, who probably hadn t gotten the joke Caleb had just told anyway. Actually, Phil hadn t gotten it either but really needed to laugh. Lots of crazy things happened around here, and it was usually just part of the night. But there were still problems, loose ends that needed tying up, and until that happened Phil felt a little nervous.There were no other customers in the store as they entered. This was typically the slowest time of the night, the period after the bar rush but still before the early wakers came in for their morning coffee. Kelly was resting with her head in her hands at the counter and looking bored, but Sheila was mopping over by the Froztee machine. The instant she saw Phil walk in she dropped the mop and came running over.Oh, thank God you re back! she said in practically a scream. You ve got to help us! The worst thing happened!What? Phil said. He had hoped that they could all just get some snacks and then finally go home for the night, but it seemed like fate had more crap to throw at them. We ll do whatever we can.Some vampires came in! Sheila said. She looked like she was ready to panic and run screaming out the door.Did they attack you? Caleb asked. No, Kelly said, her voice sleepy. They accidently broke the handle on the Froztee machine. It was spewing frozen raspberry slush all over the place, so we had to unplug it. Big Maggie said you had to fix it, Phil, if you came back alive. But can t either of you do it? Phil asked. We ve kind of had an eventful night. You re the only one who remembers how, Kelly said. And besides, you have to stay anyway, Sheila said. You forgot to do the doughnut and milk orders before you left, and neither of us is trained for it. Phil sighed. Yeah. I guess I can do that stuff quickly enough. As long as you don t mind Sue sticking around while I do? Kelly waved sleepily at Sue, but Sheila backed away. Phil turned to Caleb. You know, technically you should be doing this, too. Caleb nodded. Did you want me to stay and help? No, I m fine, I guess. You just need to promise you ll never take advantage of me like that again. Caleb put out his hand for Phil to shake, and Phil took it. It s a deal. One of you may need to take some more time outside the store, though, Gloria said. I mean to get out and probably help me off the clock. We need to try finding the last of the artifacts. Just what exactly are we missing? Phil asked. We lost the crumbs, Caleb said, but I don t think that will be a huge issue. There wasn t a whole lot of power left in them anyway. And sometime during the whole mess Mary McPhisto took the Osterhaggis Key. Phil winced. Not like she can really use it here, but she won t let go of it lightly. Don t forget the Bad Penny, Gloria said. I couldn t find it anywhere. Neither could I, Caleb said. But you know what they say about it. It always turns up. **** The special unit had descended on the mess at Leechman Park far faster than usual. Some of the bodies there had been connected, very connected, and strings ended up getting pulled. Within half an hour of when they got there the bodies were all gone, leaving only occasional missed patches of blood and a few scorch marks from magic that couldn t so easily be cleared away.At about half an hour before sunup a single figure made his way across the park. No one saw him except for some of the zombies returning to their unmarked graves under the hills, and none of them much cared. He went unmolested as he hurried to his own dwelling before the sun rose.But he had to stop as he passed the central pavilion. The obvious signs of a struggle marring the perfect grass bothered him a great deal, but that was not why he stooped down to take a closer look at the ground. He had seen something shiny from the grass catch the faded starlight, and it had caught his attention. As he looked closer he saw that it was a penny, heads up and looking completely new and flawless. There was something about it, something terrible that made it almost glow with some sort of dark malevolent energy, but he didn t care at all about that. To his eyes, it might as well have just been another penny, and he picked it up.One! One penny, ah ah ah! he muttered to himself, then stuck it in his pocket and continued on his way. **** Gloria walked Caleb back home to his apartment, and for no logical reason Caleb felt that same nervousness from when they d walked to Gloria s earlier. That hadn t felt like it should really be the end of their date, but this time it did. He d already gotten a kiss, and a whole lot more that neither of them had expected, but it still felt like there was more here that he needed out of this. He just wasn t sure what yet.Most of the conversation on the walk over had been about what to do with the artifacts now. Obviously they weren t safe in Caleb s bathroom, but he didn t have anywhere else to put them. Everything they had been able to recover was still in his duffel, and they both decided that when she went back home she would take it with her. For now it was safer there, if for no other reason than she had a lockable door and he didn t, but some time in the future they were going to have to find a more permanent way to dispose of them. As much as Caleb liked to have the trophies to trick himself into thinking he was special, he acknowledged that he might just not be the best caretaker for them.Caleb checked to make sure the front door of his building was locked this time, but it was fine. When they got up to his floor the hall was still strewn with splinters, but the blanket Caleb had tacked over the door didn t look like it had been moved at all. No one had probably even left their apartments during this whole time to see that anything was wrong. They had just slept peacefully through everything.Right, so, I guess this is the end of our date, Caleb said as they stood outside the blanket. For real this time.Yeah, I guess it is, Gloria said. I d say you know how to show a girl a good time, but most girls would have hated this. Not you though. No, not me. Caleb paused, thinking back to how the date had started. I suppose I should still apologize for some of the things I said and the way I acted, especially near the beginning. I He stopped. That was it. That was exactly what he needed to do yet. He was not going to let the date end on that note. Actually, you know what? Screw it. I m not sorry, or at least mostly not. That s who I am. I m a loudmouth. I m a little bit egotistical sometimes. And a whole lot of other little issues. But it s who I am. It s who you asked out. If you don t like it, screw it. We can still just be friends, if that s what you really want.Gloria stared at him. For a second he thought she was actually going to say that, yes, she did just want to forget they had done anything tonight and just go on from now as friends. Instead she said. I don t like it, not all the time. But that doesn t mean I can t deal with it.Caleb s eyes went wide. Oh. Really? I didn t actually expect you to say that. What about what you were talking about earlier, about some of the issues you wanted to deal with?I don t have to deal with them alone, Gloria said. Oh. Cool, Caleb said. They stood there staring at each other for several seconds. Soooo now what? Now is when you re supposed to go in for the kiss, idiot. Right. He leaned in and their lips touched, gentle, sweet, the perfect ending to the night. He moved away. Now what? Now we get into your bed before I go crazy with the tension and rip your clothes off right here. She pushed aside the blanket and went inside, and Caleb followed with the largest grin he had ever had on his face in his life.Derek J. Goodman is a horror, sci-fi, and fantasy writer. His stories have appeared in publications such as Nossa Morte, M-Brane SF, the Dunesteef Audio Fiction and the upcoming Permuted Press release Best New Tales of the Apocalypse. His comedic horror novel The Apocalypse Shift is his first novel for Library of Horror Press . Derek lives and writes in Wisconsin.Can be found atwww.libraryofthelivingdead.comTable of ContentsStart