Finals � � Chapter Twelve � Of the two murders, planning to kill Brent was easier than actually killing him. I knew he peed more often than my grandpa, I knew of his study habits, and the fact that the library bathroom was contaminated with filth was icing on the cake. The hardest part had been sitting on the toilet, peering underneath the stall to get a glimpse of Brent’s shoes. � I think I waited roughly an hour before Brent finally showed up, during that time I must have thought about backing out at least four or five times. I looked back on the good times and the many laughs Brent and I shared over the course of our four years at St. Elizabeth. As I thought about Gavin working at a fast food joint, the freshman girl who almost died and the four expelled freshmen, I began to quickly forget about those �śgood times.” � Then I started thinking about my upbringing. The old nuns and stringent teachers from my adolescence constantly asserted that violence never solved anything. My parents would never be able to hold their heads up if their only son was found to be guilty of homicide. I was a good student, a good Catholic and an accepted member of society, if I were to see this plan through to completion my reputation and basically my livelihood would be in jeopardy. � All these thoughts were bouncing around in my head when Brent’s black Nikes came into view. As I watched Brent walk over to the urinal, a soothing tranquility came over me as if I were listening to Norah Jones or swallowing the first delicious sip of a chilled cocktail. The time was upon me and I knew I had waited my entire life for this moment. My thirst was finally going to be quenched as I vanquished Brent’s worldly wickedness. I was no do-gooder, but more of a spider who disposes of the bothersome fly. The fly has no value in society, yet most view spiders as dreadful creatures. People don’t understand, just as my friends and family wouldn’t understand this need.� After hearing Arthur’s story, I wanted to kill Harvey Cho. Unlike Brent, Harvey and I had never been chummy. I thought he was like one of those douche bags you see on Tool Academy that spray on too much Axe, wear shirts entirely too tight, spike out their hair, and treat their X-Boxes better than their girlfriends. Harvey thought I was a pretentious, stuck up, holier-than-thou Catholic who followed all the rules and respected women. Yeah, there was definitely a mutual disliking. � This time around, killing wouldn’t be the issue. There was no question I could gut the narcissistic little prick with a smile on my face, then go grab some T-Bell without giving him a second thought. The problem was that I knew little to nothing about Harvey. I had discerned he enjoyed women, particularly small Asians, porn, and that he liked secretly filming himself doing the no pants dance. Unless I managed to morph into a tiny Asian girl, I was out of good ideas. Which is why I decided to pay a visit to the virtuoso of pop culture, the fountain of useless knowledge, because I had faith the goddess of gossip could give me the skinny on Mr. Cho. � � � �śWhip cream on your frappuccino, huh? What’s the occasion?” I asked, picking up our drink order at the coffee bar. � �śWhat can I say? I’m a fatty,” replied Lexie while she unwrapped her straw. � �śShe’s been making brash decisions as of late,” Lexie’s roommate, Selina, said reaching for her chai. � �śHush.”� �śDo tell, Selina, I love hearing tales involving Lexie making a fool of herself,” I said. � �śIf I recall we came here to study Consumer Behavior,” Lexie said, in a pathetic attempt to change the subject. � �śYou can’t intrigue me with a story then unjustly withhold it.” � �śTrue, but you see, this story isn’t too intriguing,” Lexie answered. � �śGosh, Lexie, you are such a stick in the mud. I guess I’ll have to disclose the intimate details of your texting affair with Evan,” Selina said, as she guided us towards the one empty table in Starbucks. � �śYour basketball boo?” I asked. � �śYes, the same one she’s been swooning after for ages. Our dear Lexie hasn’t been able to get those adorable, boyish dimples out of her head.” � �śPlease,” said Lexie, shaking her head as though the notion was absolutely absurd. �śI suppose I will have to shed light on this matter since Selina’s exaggerated account of last Saturday’s events will surely make you think less of me.” � �śSurely.” � �śIt’s no big deal, but I may have confessed my love for Evan via text,” Lexie said. � �śMay have?” Selina asked.� �śI only said I miss him.” � �śYou followed with three exclamation marks, basically exclaiming your love for the boy,” Selina said. � �śPunctuation means nothing.” � �śHow did he respond?” I asked.� �śHe said, �ŚWho is this?’” Selina said, as she began to laugh. � �śI told him this is Lexie Naples and that I didn’t really miss him, the message was meant for someone else. To which he said, �ŚLOL, it cool, you seem standoffish so why would you miss me?’” Lexie said, reading the text from her phone. � �śIt gets better,” Selina said, continuing to laugh. � �śI asked him to elaborate and he replied, �ŚYou too rigid, you gotta get defrosted so you’ll be chill.’”� Selina and I began to chuckle as Lexie placed her phone back in her purse. �śI’m a bitch who needs defrosting, how reassuring.” � �śAt least now you know Evan isn’t worthy of eating one of your scrumptious love muffins,” said Selina, causing Lexie’s lips to curl ever so slightly.� If I didn’t know Selina or Lexie well I would have assumed this to be a misguided sexual innuendo. However, this was merely another one of their obscure references to either the latest �śHow to Satisfy Your Man” article in Cosmo, the recent ramblings of celebrity trailer trash, Perez Hilton, or a quote from current primetime MTV garbage. I had given up learning about the origins of their inside jokes years ago in order to save time and sanity. � Although Selina and Lexie were marketing majors, they were excellent students and I enjoyed having side conversations with them while listening to droning professors. After sharing introductory level business courses my first semester freshman year, I tried to coordinate with the girls so we could at least have one or two classes together. This semester we were all in Professor Nolan’s Consumer Behavior class. We had yet to take a test in that class, but one was lurking in the near future. As usual, I purposed a study session involving large doses of caffeine in order to aid the cramming process. � Similar to most study sessions, Selina whipped out her Mac and began scanning the class PowerPoint presentations for useful information. I usually highlighted important sections in the textbook, which I would later share with the girls. Lexie liked to play with her bangs as she pretended to write up key vocabulary terms on note cards. Once she grew bored of altering her hair, Lexie would steer Selina off-course with a discussion about the recent fashion faux pas of one of our classmates. Today before Lexie was able to talk about Janice Perkins’s bleak blunder, I started in on Harvey Cho. � �śSince we’re on the subject of tools, guess who I ran into yesterday?” � �śWho?” Selina asked, not averting her eyes from her screen. � �śHarvey Cho,” I said nonchalantly. � �śAh, Selina’s ex lover. How is the little creeper?” Lexie asked. � �śFine, he simply shared a rather vulgar story about his latest sexual escapade,” I stated, as if run-ins with Harvey were a frequent occurrence. �śI didn’t know you and Harvey were ever an item.” � �śShe’s ashamed to admit it,” Lexie said. � �śIt was merely a fling, nothing materialized,” Selina said unfazed, as she continued to scroll through Professor Nolan’s slides. � �śHe was only one of your many gentlemen callers before Fischer Hughes came into the picture,” Lexie stated. � Selina gave a brief smile as she continued to read. She and Fischer were a peculiar pair. Their adoring pet names and baby talk did little to coax those uninvolved that becoming part of a duo was the way to go. Also, Lexie and I were convinced Fischer was straddling the sexual fence. His DVD box set of Grey’s Anatomy in addition to his love of cooking thirty-minute meals alongside Rachel Ray led us to the conclusion that Selina’s lover boy was not just another sensitive metrosexual. � A plan began to formulate as I posed the question to myself, �śHow would Harvey feel about Selina if she were to be detached?” She was half Chinese and half Portuguese, so lingering interest seemed plausible since Harvey was a raving nymphomaniac. There was only one way to find out if this truly was the case. � �śSelina, may I borrow your laptop for a moment?” � �śCertainly.” � Perfect, as I assumed Selina was still logged into Facebook, probably reading the latest self-absorbed status updates on the newsfeed. Now it was time for phase two of the plan. Taking a deep breath, I clicked on Facebook Chat to see if my luck would continue. The names popped up on Selina’s friends list and to the right of Harvey Cho’s name was a little green dot. � Many college kids tend to stay on Facebook constantly because missing an IM is more unforgivable than missing class. I imagined Harvey Cho was one of those people. � �śHiya Harvey :)” I typed, hoping my girlish grammar and punctuation was enough to fool him. � �śYo gurl, wat up? Been awhile,” Harvey typed back in mere seconds. � Thank God, the creep was online. Now, I prayed baiting Harvey would be as simple as I thought. � �śNot much, just a tad down. Fischer and I broke up a few days ago,” I typed. � �śSorry gurl. Can I do sumthing to help?” � �śOnce we broke up I thought about you, because you always know how to get me giggling lol” � �śI can get u to do more than giggle gurl ;)” � Thankfully, Lexie and Selina were too engaged in a discussion about Janice Perkins atrocious new hairdo to notice the sly grin forming on my face. This was effortless. Picking up Harvey Cho was easier than picking up a girl at a bar, not that I had much experience on that front since my game needed drastic improvement. Regardless of my inability to attract a decent broad, I needed to bring in this barracuda before I could worry about my own dating troubles. � �śI have class late tonight, would it be doable to meet on the fourth floor of Franz at say 11:30 this evening?” � �śWat we gonna do?” � �śYou’ll see :)” I typed. � I waited a few seconds before Harvey answered. �śK, see ya then ;)” � Hook, line, and sinker – this bitch was mine for the taking. I quickly exited out of Facebook Chat then out of Selina’s account. I typed in my username and password to appear as though I had sent a few vital wall posts to my homies before logging out as well. � We sat there for another hour and a half finishing our coffee drinks while discussing test topics and key terminology. I didn’t contribute as much as normal, since I was contemplating how best to dispose of Harvey Cho. I only had a mere five hours to devise a plan before our meeting on the fourth floor of Franz Hall would commence. � Chapter Thirteen � The popular erectile dysfunction drug known as Viagra has found a home in bingo halls and retirement communities all across the nation. Hell, even NASCAR is promoting the infamous little blue pill, but to my generation, the drug is used solely to help geezers get wood. That’s why when Brent tossed me two sample packs of Viagra a few years back, I wasn’t overcome with immense gratitude. � During our sophomore year in Andrews Hall, Brent found a few websites that allowed consumers to order little samples of completely random shit and have it sent to you for free. Brent ordered Spanish Bibles, flavored condoms, Dora the Explorer toothbrushes, �śStop Clubbing Baby Seals” bumper stickers and as previously mentioned drugs for erectile dysfunction. In one semester, he accumulated more useless crap than those crazy cat ladies on TLC’s Hoarding: Buried Alive. � At the time, I was the only one in our entourage without a plus one, and the running joke was that I didn’t have a girlfriend because of my flaccid penis. After thanking Scott and Brent for taking an interest in my non-existent sex life, I tossed my Viagra sample packs in one of my desk compartments, totally forgetting about them until this day. � After dropping the girls off at their apartment, I quickly drove home hoping an ingenious idea would soon pop into my head. � Upon entering the house, I found Arthur sound asleep on the couch with an afternoon TBS movie I recognized as Something’s Gotta Give playing on our TV. The present scene found dreamy doc, Keanu Reeves, informing the movie’s protagonist, played by Jack Nicholson, about his current heart condition. I feel that Keanu is in his element when he’s dodging bullets and karate chopping bad guys, but at least he was stepping out of his comfort zone with this one. Saying numerous multisyllabic words while pretending to be infatuated with the prehistoric Diane Keaton couldn’t be easy. � As the dialogue continued, Keanu informed the old playboy that the combination of Viagra and nitroglycerin was potentially fatal and a rather humorous scene followed in which Nicholson jerked the IV out of his arm after lying about his Viagra usage. � As the movie continued, I grabbed Arthur’s nearby laptop to see if The One spoke the truth about this drug reaction. � Browsing through various medical sites, I discovered nitroglycerin was known as a vasodilator and was used to treat chronic heart failure and angina. Essentially the drug causes blood vessels to open up so more blood can flow throughout the body. The websites stated that alone nitroglycerin can cause hypotension and a drop in blood pressure, but if taken with Viagra, irreversible hypotension can occur. � Continuing to read about this drug, and the popular brand names, a wonderfully wicked scheme began developing. I realized that if I could somehow locate this drug, I might be able to get away with the perfect crime. � � � Franz Hall was desolate as I rushed up the stairs to the fourth floor, toting my backpack over my shoulder. I was winded by the time I reached the top floor and began walking down the corridor towards the business office. Only the deans and a few counselors from the Pamplin School of Business occupied the fourth floor. Student secretaries helped as well, but since they were mindless peons barely receiving minimum wage, I didn’t consider them staff. Adjacent to the doors of the office sat several plush couches and lounge chairs, an ideal spot to wait if you desperately needed scheduling guidance. � This evening the office was submerged in darkness and the lone student waiting in the lounge was none other than Mr. Harvey Cho and let me tell you, he looked like a complete douche. Harvey sat texting on the couch wearing a shirt, no doubt purchased from The Buckle, which looked like artistic vomit. He was wearing some American Eagle flip-flops that said, �śYes, I know it’s January, but I don’t give a fuck,” along with a flat-billed Dodgers hat that gave off the impression he was a total player. � Harvey looked up when he heard me coming down the hall but looked back at his phone after catching a fast glance. He wasn’t going to be showing me his �śO” face so why did my presence matter? � �śHey Harvey,” I said, trying to sound animated. I’m here to rid you of your pathetic excuse of a life.� �śSup?” he replied, keeping his head down, as he continued fiddling with his phone. � �śSelina had to go change. I was a major klutz and spilled my coffee all over her skirt. She went back to The Village to change but she said she’d be back momentarily.” � �śThanks bro, I’m glad she’s got an errand boy.” � He began to smile as he resumed texting, pleased that he had given such a dickish retort. I was somewhat surprised by the blunt insolence but I knew what would get his attention. � �śSelina gave me something to give to you but you can just go fuck yourself now, Cho.” � I turned slowly heading toward the elevator waiting for the pathetic pervert to take my bait. � I was halfway to the elevator before I heard his dismal response. �śYo, hold up, bro. I was only messing. Did Selina really have something for me?” � In the left side pocket of my jacket were Arthur’s biking gloves that I had snatched before leaving the house. I slipped the gloves on before reaching into my right side pocket, collecting the sample of Viagra. Harvey had removed himself from the plush couch and now stood a foot away. Catching his eye, I tossed the sample pack in his direction. He glanced dumbfounded at the package for several seconds until he realized he was holding an erectile dysfunction drug. � �śIs this a fucking joke? I don’t need this shit!” he said angrily. � �śI never said you did,” I replied. �śBut have you ever tried it out?” � �śI’m not a geezer, bro. I don’t need help getting it up,” Harvey exclaimed, his voice echoing down the empty hallway. � �śDude, I know. I’m merely asking you if you’ve ever tried it.” I said, trying my best to sound serious. � �śUnlike you, I don’t need help in that area.” � �śOk, Harvey. I’m attempting to help you out here, but this hostile attitude of yours is not very becoming.” � �śBro, you’re so gay. Go take this shit yourself so you can go play with another fag’s slop hole,” he said, tossing the sample pack back to me. � This was not going well. I had assumed convincing a sex fiend to take a drug to help his wang might not be too tricky but at this point in the conversation, I was surely mistaken. I needed to try another angle. Maybe if I pretended like I was a high school jock who only cared about banging cheerleaders and skipping class to play Madden NFL with my dropout meathead friends, then I would be able to connect with this dipshit. � �śFrom what I’ve been told that eggroll you got isn’t pleasing anyone, so fine you fucktard, stick it to Selina with that limp dick of yours,” I said, hoping my agonizing ways could persuade him. � �śYou haven’t heard the right stories, bro. I rip pussies in half. I beat �Śem like they owe me ten dollars. I beat �Śem like folks in the projects beat their kids. I’m Cho Fo’ Sho, the Asian sensation, and I don’t need this shit to have Selina screaming my name as I stick it to her like I do �ŚThe Man!’” � No doubt, that line had been rehearsed naked in front of the bathroom mirror a few dozen times. This was my moment to convince Harvey that popping a drug for erectile dysfunction was cooler than owning the latest Apple gadget, and to trick him into doing something so preposterous I needed to come up with a clever line myself. � �śI know it sounds fucking crazy, but you gotta trust me. I mean, Selina and I were trashed at this party last weekend and she saw me macking on this drunk chick so she slips me some of this stuff. I say that same thing as you, �ŚI don’t need this crap,’ blah, blah, blah but she was like �ŚTrust me, Wayne, you’ll thank me later’ and damn dog, she was right. I had a penis of steel. I was like Iron Man blasting that bitch with my heat seeking missiles and Pepper Potts loved every minute of it. Trust me bro, Houston did not have a problem whatsoever.”� For a few seconds, Harvey stared blankly at me as if I were a geometry problem he was attempting to solve.� �śYou’re a freak, bro,” he said, but as the words slipped out, they seemed to jest more than insult. The look of disdain had vanished from his face, as well as the notion that I was an uppity asshole. Had I really just become a bro that easily? � �śAston Kutcher isn’t here, man. You’re not on Punk’d. You won’t get a stiffy for six hours and have to go to the hospital. I’m telling you dude, try it out once and if you think your hard-on doesn’t need a steroid boast than feel free to tell me off the next time you see me,” I said, once again tossing the sample pack of Viagra in his direction knowing full well I was the last person he’d ever lay eyes on. � Catching the sample pack again, Harvey gave a curt nod before putting the drugs into his back pocket. With the penis pumping pills in his pouch, it was now or never. I had to get him to take the nitroglycerin. � Playing out my role as dim-witted accomplice, I pulled out my phone to look at the time. �śShit, Selina will be here any second, dude,” I said in angst. � Pretending as though Selina were on her way, I ripped off my backpack in a flash as I knelled down to obstruct Harvey’s vision. Unzipping my pack, I grabbed my Tic-Tac container and began to shake it to get the two white pills sitting on top to come out. Arthur’s biking gloves made it difficult to shake out the necessary pills, but I refused to remove them on the off chance my prints would show up on anything. Tic-Tacs seldom tend to cooperate and this was no exception. In one rigorous motion, the two pills came out followed by several orange Tic-Tacs. � �śDamn!” � �śWhat is it, bro?” Harvey said, moving closer to my open backpack. � Quick as a bunny, I scooped the white pills off the ground, twisted off the cap on my baby size bottle of FIJI water and tossed in the pills. � �śIt’s nothing,” I said, as I zipped my backpack up. � Standing up with the bottle of water in hand, I pulled my cell out of my pocket to check the time again. � �śDude, you need to take this now before Selina gets here. You gotta give it a few minutes to work,” I said, pretending as if time were of the essence. � Thinking with his smaller head, as he had always done, Harvey removed the little blue pills from the sample pack and swallowed them down with a nice refreshing miniature bottle of FIJI water. � With one final gulp, Harvey downed all the FIJI water before chucking the bottle in the nearest trashcan. � �śThat tasted a little funky.” � Avoiding the urge to spill my guts, I thought it best to see this thing through to completion. In case the combination wasn’t instantly fatal, I wanted to steer clear of any physical altercations. I could take the little prick down, no question but leaving bruises or injuries of any kind may lead one to view his death as more than an untimely accident. An idea I wished to dispel from any coroner’s head. � �śYou caught me, I just jizzed in there before giving it to you. Dog, it’s FIJI water, that’s how it tastes.” � Slinging my pack over my shoulder, I couldn’t help but let a nasty little smile out. How easy was it to trick this douche bag? By acting less articulate and throwing a �Śdude, bro or dog’ into every sentence along with a few additional expletives, I had convinced his dolt to take some Viagra then down it with some flavored water, the flavor being nitroglycerin. � �śFuck you, bro. Unlike you, someone is really gonna down my jizz in a couple minutes,” Harvey said. � I let out a fake laugh. �śGood luck, you perv,” I said, as I walked over to the elevator and pushed the down button. With a light ping, the elevator doors opened and I stepped inside. As I pressed the button to the first floor, I believed I may have heard a weak, �śBro,” followed by a thud but I couldn’t be sure. �