JOKES FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ." How do you fix a woman's watch? Don't bother; there's a clock on the oven. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." What' the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once. Why do women wear white on their wedding day? So they will match the stove and fridge. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womens sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. In the beginning .......God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs. Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they do. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. How do men define a 50/50 relationship? She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1.No mind. 2.No business. Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...." A man and a woman were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die. Then the woman turns to the man and says "Make me feel like a woman before I die." So he takes off his shirt andsocks and says "Fold them!!" How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "harass" is two words. My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture! The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day! I divorced her." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. One day a husband and his wife were driving in their car. When suddenly the wife says, "I'm getting really tired of the crap I hafta deal with you so I want a divorce." Her husband says, "Okay." Then she says, "Yeah, and I'm gonna get 75% of your income." He replies, "Okay." Then she says, "And then I'm gonna get the house, the car and the kids, you'll never see them again." And he says, "Okay." The wife says, "why are you just saying 'okay'? Aren't you even listening to me? I said I'm going to take the kids and the house and car! And you don't care?!" He says, "No matter what you take away from me, I still have all I need right in front of me." She inquires, "And what might that be?" He says, "An airbag." One day a man living in California found a genie. The genie says to him, "I'm not going to grant you 3 wishes, this time you only get one." The man says, "Alright, one is better than nothing." The man thinks long and hard and finally says, "I'm afraid of flying and I really want to move to Hawaii, so I wish you would build me a bridge to Hawaii." The genie is flabbergasted. He says, "Do you realize how long that is? And how deep the Pacific is? That would take more concrete than there is in New York to build. That's ridiculous, think of a new wish." The man thinks long and hard again. He says, "Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend because she said I wasn't sensitive enough and that I didn't understand women. I wish to understand women so I can get back together with her." The genie replies, "would you like that bridge two lanes or four?" What do women and cats have in common? Pussy farts A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7, he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and hysterically yelled, "Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on the Interstate 7!" His wife replied, "There isn't just one car! There are hundreds of them!" Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. Why do women talk so much? They have 2 pairs of lips. Why donłt women wear skirts in winter? Their lips get chapped. Never trust someone who bleeds for five days and doesn't die!