A Story Called Philophobia

By Ayla Starr

Published by Ayla Starr at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 Ayla Starr



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Ren Taylor.





Renny-Benny. Reginald.





Reginald. Reginald Frank Taylor.





Right now, you are in your speech class. The class is conversing in small groups while the next speaker gets ready. But you are not talking to anyone. Instead, you are saying his name repeatedly in your head. No particular reason, you tell yourself. It’s just out of boredom.





And as you say it, it sounds like a rhapsody. But it shouldn’t, because while you repeatedly say his name in your head, you are also staring directly at Sir Reginald.





He is looking at you with his thin lips in a firm line, and his downcast green eyes almost glaring.





Do something. Either of you. Smile. Frown. Sing. Sing while frowning�Ś





He shifts, and raises his hand. His middle finger sticks right at you, while he continues to wear his bored, tired expression.





You flick him off, too.





No, don’t do that. Text him and tell him you don’t mean it. Tell him you’re kidding.





You raise your other hand, and flick him off with both your middle fingers.





Coward.





**





�śJeez, could you be any more of a dill hole?” He chews his sandwich slowly, as if he’s savoring every bite.





The two of you are sitting on the school steps, eating lunch together.





�śWhat’d I do now?” you ask, tossing grapes into your mouth.





�śGiving a speech about friendship? Who the hell does that?”





�śUm. People who know a thing or two about it?”





�śPssh. Then why’d you give it again?”





You turn to look at him, and find he’s staring at the pavement with a fixed gaze. His black hair looks soft and tousled under the gray hat he always wears, and his cheeks look flushed from the cold fall air. His jacket is thin and matches the light gray of his hat.





Reginald, you can’t help but think.





�śMad cause I didn’t mention you?” You raise your eyebrows and smirk, waiting for his reaction. It’s not the one you want, the one you crave.





He stops chewing, throws his stuff in his book bag, and gets up abruptly.





�śGo to hell, dill hole,” he mutters. He won’t look at you, can’t look at you. Instead, he keeps his eyes down as he retreats back into the school.





You force yourself not to chase after him.





**





In art, he sits on the other side of the room. Plugs his headphones in and sketches furiously, conveying a message of, I don’t want to speak to anyone.





You want to talk to him.





While everyone around you shouts and chats noisily about football and the mall, you stare at your phone as if hypnotized, wishing he’d text you or you could gather up the courage to text him, or something in the middle.





Halfway through the block, you turn to look at him, and he’s still drawing with vengeance. His bangs cover his eyes, so that you can’t see them, but you imagine what they look like beneath the hair. Right now, they are probably dark and furious, with a devilish glow about them. His cheeks are probably pink from the words he won’t say, can’t say, and you imagine his heart is beating as fast as his feet are tapping.





Your heart sinks.





Three-quarters into the block, your chest hurts too much, so you cave and send him a text.





I’m sorry.





Almost ten seconds later, as if he was waiting for the text, he replies.





Fuck you, asshole.





Your heart sinks again, and you figure it’ll be a good two or three days before he talks to you again. You lay your head on your arm, an image of defeat.





The bell is two minutes from ringing when your phone vibrates. You shoot up like you’ve been electrocuted.





�ŚBuy me food and ill forgive u.





You turn to look at him, and sure enough, he’s sitting with his cheeks pink, and his eyes soft, but trying to be angry.





The rhapsody continues.





**





�śYou really piss me off, sometimes.”





He’s eating the cheesecake you bought him. Bite by bite slides out of his mouth with a slow ease, and for whatever reason, you feel compelled to watch. Then you realize he’s more-or-less just insulted you.





�śHow so?” The weather is cold, and your jacket isn’t nearly thick enough to keep you warm. You slide closer to Ren and tell yourself it’s because you need warmth. The patio swing shifts slightly, and you see Ren tense for a brief second, and then relax.





He shrugs, looking down at his long fingers. Everything about him is long. His hands, his legs that extend and give him the appearance of a gazelle, his eyelashes that dash over his green eyes so cruelly, and his neck. They make him look like an animal of some sort, and you decide if it’s any animal, it’s an ostrich mixed with a messed-up looking flamingo.





�śYou just do,” he says now.





�śNot like you’re any better,” you retort.





He turns to glare at you with his green eyes that look almost gray right now. �śWhat the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”





�śIt means you piss me off, too. All the time, actually.”





He snorts. �śNo, I don’t.”





�śYeah, actually, you do.”





�śNope.”





�śThe fuck?”





�śI don’t. I know you don’t get pissed with me.”





This time, you snort, even as your face turns a brilliant shade of red and your heartbeat increases. �śWhat makes you think that?”





�śYou always text first.”





�śSo? That doesn’t mean you don’t piss me off, per say�Ś”





�śWell, that, and�Śand even when I do shit that should piss you off, you just look at me like�Ś”





�śLike what?”





Now, he’s blushing furiously, and biting his lower lip, and tugging at his hat, and squirming. �śNever�"never mind.”





Your throat feels dry, and it almost burns to swallow. There’s an inner conflict within you. Should you say it, or not? Risk upsetting him, or smirk like nothing’s wrong? You open your mouth. �śLike�Śthe opposite of hate?”





Shit, you said it.





His breath catches, and all at once, he loses it. His eyes widen, the plate of cheesecake falls with a soft, mushy sound, and his blush multiples by ten.





You sit with your heart beating in your throat, and your fingers shaking from something that isn’t cold. You stare forward, waiting for him to speak, say something�"anything.





You count to fifty before he talks again.





�śI hate you.”





It’s hard to breathe right now. Or talk, for that matter. You force words out. �śThat so?”





�śI do. I really, really hate you.”





For some reason, the words lack power. Lack the actual feeling of hatred, and when you turn to look at him, his eyes are soft and watery and heated at the same time, and the wind is blowing his bangs around his head, and it looks wonderful.





�śI hate you, you fucking bastard�Ś” he says again, his lips shaking as his voice cracks. You nod, noting how cracked your lips are. You count to ten before you feel his body heat next to yours, his face nestling into your neck, and his breath warm on your skin.





His tears embrace your skin and contradict the heavy breathing. Everything is warm.





�śHate you,” he whispers, and still, his voice breaks.





It breaks and, in the process, reveals.