69 Things You Could
Do Better in Bed

We surveyed 100 women to find out the secrets that will raise your game in the sport of sex.

By Caramel Quin
Photographs by Kenneth Willardt

ALWAYS KISS HER FIRST
If you head straight for the business district, she'll feel like you're paying by the hour. Kissing is a great way to get her motor running, so make it lengthy and imaginative — that means more than 10 seconds. Start gently, and then graduate into a long, passionate kiss. It wouldn't hurt to nibble (lightly!) and suck on her lips, too. And she'll melt if you hold her face in your hands and play with her hair.

BUT DON'T PLAY TONSIL HOCKEY
Try not to pop your tongue out the back of her head. He who goes deepest doesn't win.

LEAVE THE HICKEYS IN HIGH SCHOOL
It's true, we love it when you spend quality time on our necks, but we don't want to wear turtlenecks to work for a week. Though we wouldn't mind a few love bites in places no one but the gals in the locker room could see …

NIBBLE HER EARS
A classic that still works. But don't stick your tongue straight in — this isn't an extra orifice. Stick with kisses, nuzzles and licks all over, and don't blow in it — that's just loud and annoying. You're not inflating an air mattress.

UNDRESS HER SLOWLY
Unlike porno actresses, real-world women love the agony of anticipation and the torture of teasing. Plus, those nice, lacy bras we wear are not cheap. Rip them and we'll be pissed.

RUB HER THE RIGHT WAY
Oil is good. And the whole production is well worth the effort — a well-greased body looks and feels sexier, and the slick stuff stops your hands from ripping off her skin. Just don't maul your lady like you're loosening up Bill Romanowski for the Super Bowl, OK? Be creative and don't just focus on the obvious spots. Sure, breasts and thighs are sensitive, but nothing beats a lengthy butt rub.

TIME HER PERFECTLY
If you can keep track of a woman's cycle (if you think we're talking about our bikes, you don't deserve to have sex), then you can figure out the times you should go for the gold. She's hotter than Georgia asphalt 12 to 16 days after her period, thanks to Mother Nature, so check the garbage for telltale tampon signs and do the math.

SEDUCE HER SPONTANEOUSLY
“We were walking home from the bar, and he just scooped me up in his arms, kissed me and carried me the rest of the way home. It was only about 100 yards, but the gesture was there. We had unbelievable sex them second we shut the door,” says Elaine, 20. To women, sex and romance are intrinsically linked; don't think of seduction as hard work but as a great way to improve your chances.

GO EASY ON THE BOOBAGE
Don't breast-feed, bite, chew (ouch!) or act as if you're tuning a radio. Instead, treat breasts like they're soft-serve ice-cream cones: Use gentle kisses, caresses, long licks and strokes — all over both breasts — and take your time. And remember that we're sensitive about our boobs, just as you guys are insecure about your johnsons, so compliment their beauty, not their size.

ENTICE HER INTO A QUICKIE
Sometimes the warm-up isn't necessary. Ninety-five percent of the women we surveyed said they loved quickies. They enjoy them in the way that they enjoy fast food — as a quick treat when there's no time for a gourmet meal. Do it when you're both horny and only have minutes to do it. Some of our faves: in a secluded room at a crowded party, before work, on the red-eye, at her parents' house before Thanksgiving dinner. “Once, my boyfriend came up behind me while I was doing the dishes,” say Lena, 26. “He didn't say a word — he just lifted my skirt and bent me over the sink. It was soooo hot.”

SAY THE RIGHT THING
You could have a hard-on the size of a SCUD missile and she'll still obsess about whether her thighs are grossing you out. It doesn't hurt to tell her how sexy she is and how turned on you are. Now show her.

MAKE HER LAUGH
At you or with you — it's all the same. Laughter loosens inhibitions during sex. So try tickles, jokes, pillow fights or any fifth-grade tactic (except snapping her bra). “Mid-act, in a phony Barry White voice, my boyfriend said, `I wanna make everything nice for you baby, just like in a Boyz II Men song,' and I just couldn't stop laughing,” reveals Erin, 23. “I like nothing better than laughing during sex — as long as it's at what he's saying, not what he's doing.”

MAKE SIZE MATTER
Ninety-five percent of men measure the average five to seven inches when erect, but if you fall outside this range, there's plenty you can do to maximize the motion of your ocean.
* If you're underfunded, use a deep-penetrating position — like with her on top facing you and leaning backward.
* If you're overendowed (no smirking — there is such as thing as too big, and it hurts), hold back, stud. Ease into it slowly. She'll let you know when she wants it harder and faster

USE THE SELF-SERVE PUMP
Like a first-round knockout in a championship fight, premature ejaculation is disappointing (even if we say it's not). Some guys swear by masturbation (remember Chris Elliot's advice to Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary?). Knocking one out a few hours before kickoff will make you less sensitive when you actually get her in the sack. But remember, she really doesn't need to know about that …

KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM
Only 5 percent of the women we surveyed said that the longer you last, the better. If you've been banging away for 30 minutes, trying to focus on the Expos' shoddy relief pitching, odds are, she's not only tired of planning what color to paint that ceiling, but she's also probably getting a little sore.

GIVE SEX A SOUNDTRACK
Moaning, grunting and other animalistic sounds are good. Just do us a favor and don't say corny shit like “Ride my love stallion.” Most women also love it when you say their names — just don't screw it up. Want a winner? Whisper in a sexy voice: “Baby, you've got the prettiest/sweetest/best [fill in body part of choice — with anything but anus].”

TALK DIRTY TO HER
Dirty talk can be a good thing — if you do it right. Say it like you mean it, not like you're reciting lines from Barbeque Gang Bang III. Set the right tone and your little angel just might start speaking in tongues.

BE A SMOOTH OPERATOR
That sexy stubble is like 60-grit sandpaper on her face and thighs. And while you're at it, trim and file your nails: Any rough edge can feel like a chain saw on our soft spots.

TRY SEX WITH A TWIST
Mastered the basic act? Try adding a twist by rocking your hips as you thrust. Think Rick James, not Ricky Martin. Just don't get too funky or you'll be laughed out of bed. Oh, and don't practice this at the bus stop.

GO DOWNTOWN MORE OFTEN
The fact is, women love it … but only if it's done well. Here are some hints.
* Be excited about it. If you're not, she won't be either.
* Don't drive it to the hoop. Warm her up slowly with your fingers, and then let your tongue take over.
* Don't just focus on the sweet spot. Realize that there's a whole neighborhood down there — not just one house.
* Say: “I love the way you taste.”
* Keep your hands busy. Put a finger or two inside her, or touch her thighs and butt.
* Take a break if you need to. You'll be a helluva lot cuter the next day if you aren't wearing a neck brace.

FIND A PORN THAT SHE'LL LIKE
Eighty-eight percent of the women we surveyed said that they liked porn (which is great news, because an estimated 110 percent of guys do). The problem is finding the right porn for her, because she wants to see something more realistic than John Holmes screwing a pair of lesbian traffic cops. Here's your spot for one-stop shopping: Good Vibrations (800-289-8423; www.goodvibes.com), which gives many of its videos the girlie thumbs-up.

RECEIVE GRACIOUSLY
Now hear this: Eighty-one percent (yes, eighty-one) of the women we surveyed said they liked giving oral sex. The problem? Guys have a lot of habits that turn women off. So don't just expect to get it whenever you want it. Improve your chances by:
* Going down on her regularly. Confucius say, “What you give you will receive back in kind.”
* Keeping your pecker impeccably clean.
* Letting her be in control of the movement.
* Touching her head (but not grabbing it roughly like she's a blow-up doll).
* Warning her when you're about to come, in case she's not hungry.

LET HER KEEP THE EVIDENCE
Most of the women we spoke to wouldn't mind starring in a homemade show, but the trust factor ain't high, no matter how many times you say: “Of course I'm not going to show it to the guys. No, not even if we break up.” So get the cameras rolling, but make sure she gets possession of the tape. A Polaroid camera is a great starting point — the results are instant, and you don't have to worry about zitty adolescents at the photo lab ogling your girlfriend.

LET HER LEAD ROUND TWO
Mr. Woody ready for seconds? Don't plow right in. Take it slow and realize that she may feel tender and need to recover. Instead, enjoy the fact that you just got laid and that, if you warm her up just right, you'll get it again.

BE THE TOP DOG
Doing it from behind is one of the hottest positions for you, but some women find it uncomfortable (it pushes up against the cervix too much, if you must know). Pay attention to how she's reacting: If she starts leaning forward, the penetration is too deep, so resist your natural instinct to push forward too. Begin with gentle, shallow thrusts — she can always ask you to pump up the tempo and intensity. Don't forget that there's more than one way to do it D-style: with her propped up against a wall, on the bed with a pillow under her stomach, etc. Also, remember that when she's in this position, you've got easy access to her whole body. Touch her or guide her to touch herself while you're going at it.

GO TANTRIC
If we complain that your technique is boring, look East for enlightenment. Originating in 3000 B.C., Tantric sex techniques allow intercourse to last for hours. The women who've tried it say it's great, but it might take you centuries to master. A good one to start with is thrusting in patterns: nine fast, deep ones, then one slow, shallow one; then eight deep, then two shallow; then seven deep and so on. Those old guys really knew their stuff — their shallow thrusts were finding her G-spot 5,000 years before any scientist did.

BE SMOOTH WITH THE LOVE GLOVE
Ahhh, the condom. Get it out, get it on, get going. Don't be awkward about it, or she will be, too. Keeping them nearby is a no-brainer, although having a dispenser by your bed will make her wonder. According to the women we surveyed, she'll help you put them on if you want — anything to keep the mood going. Hey, she doesn't want to wait for a restart either.

LET THE COWGIRL RIDE
We love to climb on top. It's stimulating for us, and you can lie back and enjoy the sex and the view. But here's what you should know.
* She'll get much more stimulation if she leans forward toward you.
* She'll get much more stimulation if your finger's on the magic button.
* She might need to take a break because of leg cramps, so mix it up. If she starts flagging, roll over and take the wheel. As with any position, her stamina will increase with practice … so practice, practice, practice!

TRIPLE HER ORGASMS
This might sound complicated, but those who have played the game swear by it. The coital-alignment technique (CAT) supposedly triples her chance of orgasm and gives you a better chance of having the simultaneous orgasm you thought only happened in the movies.

Start in the missionary position, but then shift your hips a few inches up her body. This gives you a shallower penetration, and the shaft of your penis pushes up against all of her important parts. Resting your full weight on her, wrap her legs around yours, and synchronize your horizontal dancing so that your pelvic bone rubs against hers. Maintain a steady pace and have two pairs of industrial-strength earplugs handy for the oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-OH-MY-GOD finale.

BE SMOOTH WITH THE LOVE GLOVE
Ahhh, the condom. Get it out, get it on, get going. Don't be awkward about it, or she will be, too. Keeping them nearby is a no-brainer, although having a dispenser by your bed will make her wonder. According to the women we surveyed, she'll help you put them on if you want — anything to keep the mood going. Hey, she doesn't want to wait for a restart either.

LET THE COWGIRL RIDE
We love to climb on top. It's stimulating for us, and you can lie back and enjoy the sex and the view. But here's what you should know.
* She'll get much more stimulation if she leans forward toward you.
* She'll get much more stimulation if your finger's on the magic button.
* She might need to take a break because of leg cramps, so mix it up. If she starts flagging, roll over and take the wheel. As with any position, her stamina will increase with practice … so practice, practice, practice!

TRIPLE HER ORGASMS
This might sound complicated, but those who have played the game swear by it. The coital-alignment technique (CAT) supposedly triples her chance of orgasm and gives you a better chance of having the simultaneous orgasm you thought only happened in the movies.

Start in the missionary position, but then shift your hips a few inches up her body. This gives you a shallower penetration, and the shaft of your penis pushes up against all of her important parts. Resting your full weight on her, wrap her legs around yours, and synchronize your horizontal dancing so that your pelvic bone rubs against hers. Maintain a steady pace and have two pairs of industrial-strength earplugs handy for the oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-OH-MY-GOD finale.

STAND AND DELIVER
One problem our survey respondents had with stand-up sex is that there's often a difference between your heights. That doesn't make sex of the vertical variety impossible — it just means you've got to be smarter. Here's how.
* Take the stairs. If she's shorter, stand on flat ground and have her stand on the first step. Then, lift up one of her legs and turn it sideways for easy access.
* Pick her up. Stand face-to-face, and bend your knees slightly so you can penetrate her. Have her wrap her arms and legs around you, and pick her up. If you get tired, lean her up against a wall to help carry the weight.
* Buy her a pair of stilettos. There's no better excuse to ask her to sport a sexy pair of high heels in the bedroom.

MAKE A SOAP SANDWICH
Get soapy together. But a word of caution: While a lathered-up hand feels great on your sprinkler, she needs different treatment. Don't get soap inside her, and remember that water washes away her natural lubrication, so she might feel more comfortable if you use some lube. (Just keep a tube of it next to the shower gel — and make sure you don't mix 'em up.)

“After soaping up, my boyfriend usually runs the showerhead over my body, using a jet over my nipples and my … stuff,” says Mandi, 27. “Then we have sex standing up. He's just the right height for doing it from behind, so he presses me up against the cold tiles — I love it.”

DON'T PRESSURE HER
Barking commands at her like a drill sergeant will definitely ruin the mood. While a sexily whispered “I really want to make you come” can be endearing, shouting, “COME FOR ME!!! C'MON! C'MON! C'MON!” isn't. Chill out, coach, and let her run at her own pace.

WINE ME, DINE ME …
“But why doesn't she want to 69 me?” Lots of guys complain that they don't get their favorite number often enough. Hello! This is because we don't like being squashed or we may feel too exposed on top. If you go at it sideways on the bed instead, both partners can be in control. Let her set the pace. And pay attention to the speed she's going — it's a good indicator of how she wants you to do it.

BE A G WHIZ
The G-spot. Should you choose to accept this mission, slide one or two fingers into her, curving them upward toward her stomach. You'll find a small, spongy area (about the size of a quarter) a third of the way up the vagina's front wall — this is it. Stroke it, using a gentle, circular motion. What you do with this information is up to you.

TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS
When it comes to schmutz, you're in charge of cleanup. “After sex, my boyfriend gets a warm washcloth to wash me off,” says Sarah, 26. “Just because I like him, it doesn't mean I like being sticky all night.” And don't leave the used condom on the bed or the floor. Yuck.

DON'T LET HER FREAK YOU OUT
If you have a girl with an imagination, count yourself lucky, and be careful not to treat her like a freak. So your kinky chick wants to outfit you in a collar and leash and take her “bad dog for a walk.” You may not be into it, but decline gracefully, and see what else she's got up her leather bustier.

KEEP IT LIGHT
Have a sense of humor about embarrassing moments. (C'mon, like you've never farted.) “I once got my period in the middle of the night, and it got all over the guy's sheets. I was absolutely mortified, especially since it was a one-night stand,” says Christine, 30. “But he made a joke out of it and said, `Oh, no! I've been shot! But don't worry, it's merely a flesh wound.' I felt so much better.”

KNOW THAT SHE'S NOT A PORN STAR
Be realistic. Even though we like watching pornos, in the real world:
* You are never going to walk in on us, our two girlfriends and the pizza guy.
* Our boobs are real. They flop around.
* We have pubic hair.
* We really don't like it when you come on our face and in our hair.
* We generally like to kiss or talk before we get down on our knees and give you head.
* We did not talk our way out of that speeding ticket by having sex with the police officer.
* We don't enjoy having a fist — or anything else, for that matter — rammed up inside us. (Anything more than three fingers and it's a gyno exam).

DO POSTGAME ANALYSIS
Find out how to do it even better next time. But avoid “Was that good?” and even worse “Did you … ?” Even though you mean well, she may feel like you're putting her on the spot. She'll probably say yes, whether she did or not … until you really annoy her and then she says no. And that just hurts. Use your noggin and ask open-ended questions, such as “What did you like the most?”

FINISH THE JOB
If she does muster up the courage to say that you've left her hanging, don't mutter, “Better luck next time” as you drift off to dreamland. The game isn't over just because you made a touchdown.

SAY GOOD MORNING
Eighty-four percent of the women in our survey said they liked having sex in the morning. The only thing that puts them off is bad breath — hers and yours. To get the morning thunder rolling, spoon up behind her, and start kissing her lightly on the neck and touching her all over. She's not fully awake yet, and neither are her inhibitions.

WATCH HER
Every woman has different needs when it comes to masturbation and oral sex. Some are all clit, clit, clit; some are really sensitive and want a gentle rubdown; most are somewhere in between. To make her scream, customize your technique. The best way to find out what she likes best is, well, to get her to do it in front of you. She might be a little shy, so explain that seeing her get off turns you on. Then watch the master and learn.

MAKE HER A CUPPA JOE
A little attention goes a long way. If she's comfortable in your love-nasium, she'll be more likely to come back to play.

INVITE HER SISTER OR BEST FRIEND TO JOIN YOU IN A THREESOME
Don't. Ever. If you do, don't blame us.

Women want to try new things — we just don't want to feel slutty doing them. Say, “Hey, we could try … ” But never, “My ex liked to … ” unless you like sleeping on the couch. Our survey revealed what women wanted most.

DOUBLE DECADENCE She wants to lick chocolate off your bod. It tastes good and contains phenylalanine, which stimulates the production of endorphins, the same drugs the body releases during orgasm.

BOND WITH HER You don't need to get decked out in dungeonwear to be kinky. Use scarves for light bondage or ice cubes for terrific torture. Even something as simple as holding her wrists or ankles during sex can change the whole dynamic. Just talk to her beforehand about what the limits are and how to communicate them during sex.

TOYS 'R US Playing with vibrators is fun. If you're doing the shopping, check out Toys in Babeland (212-375-1701; www.babeland.com). Use the toy gently, with plenty of lube, and don't be surprised if the results are, er, speedy. These things vibrate quicker than the fastest hand in the West.

OUTDOOR ACTION Mix it up outside the bedroom. “In Death Valley, there's this secluded golf course,” says Mia, 23. “One night my boyfriend and I trespassed and had some pretty grand sex near the sixth green.”

YOU TARZAN, SHE JANE “I'd like him to take me, macho marine-style, which would be way out of character,” confesses Beth, 28. Role-playing stops you from taking sex too seriously. Ham it up until you can't stop laughing when she says, “Doctor, that's the biggest tongue depressor I've ever seen!”

15 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER DO IN BED

DON'T mention other women. Duh.
DON'T try anal without her permission and say you slipped.
DON'T talk about the big presentation you have to give tomorrow.
DON'T criticize.
DON'T attempt sex while she's asleep. (The sleepwalking excuse will not work.)
DON'T put her in ludicrous positions. Even if they are in the Kama Sutra.
DON'T push her head down. You wouldn't like it, would you?
DON'T ask why she's taking so long.
DON'T ask her if she came. If you can't figure it out, don't ask.
DON'T scratch yourself, belch or fart. Man descended from ape, but there's no need to remind her.
DON'T ask if you're bigger and better than her other boyfriends. Do you really want to know?
DON'T fall asleep after 10 seconds.
DON'T jump in the shower right after … unless you bring her with you.
DON'T make her sleep in the wet spot. Be fair: Take turns.
DON'T say “I love you” — unless you mean it.

GIVE HER A HAND

Stimulating her manually is so important, we've prepared a five-step plan to getting her off better than ever.

BRING HER TO A BOIL SLOWLY Don't go there until she's turned on. Lavish attention on her entire body: mouth, neck, breasts, stomach, thighs, etc. Move your hands softly in circles on her inner thighs and tummy, heading gradually inward and eventually brushing up against the jackpot.

EXAGGERATE HER MOVEMENTS Pay attention to her body language and she'll tell you what she likes without drawing a map. Watch her movements and exaggerate them for her. If she pushes up against you, press harder. If she pulls away, lighten up! When she starts wildly gyrating, it's safe to assume she's having a good time.

BE GENTLE Most men are too heavy-handed; use long, gentle strokes. To smooth the way, dip in for extra lubrication, or add lube or saliva. Remember that her love button can be sensitive, so don't overdo it.

BE CONSISTENT The primo complaint from the women we surveyed was inconsistency. Once you find a rhythm that works, keep it going. It's OK to make your strokes a little harder, but change at the very last minute and she could have all the physical signs of an orgasm (muscle spasms, heavy breathing, etc.) without the zing — and then she'll want to split your head open with a shovel.

DON'T STOP TILL SHE GETS ENOUGH Think back to your last blow job: Do you want her to pull away the instant you've released the troops? Nope, and neither does she. She'll push you away or close her legs when she's had enough. And don't be offended by that: It's because her body is supersensitive after orgasm. (Which, incidentally, is a great way to spot a fake — if it isn't, she's probably practicing for an Emmy.)

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