The Misadventures of Ditzwilliam Farcy

By Jen R, Josie, Leea and Maria V (Not Necessarily In That Order)

Jump to new as of June 14, 2000

Introduction

Posted on Tuesday, 21 March 2000

As we all know, MariaV is quite protective of Darcy and has been keeping him under her desk, although rumour has it that she has moved him to a more secure location. (MariaV here interposes that our beloved Darcy has been cared for with the finest of treatment and in no way has ever been cramped, kicked or treated ill. He is, on the whole, quite content with his current lodgings.) On Monday, March 20, Leea and Josie brazenly attempted to kidnap our dear hero. As Leea was dashing away from the scene of the crime, driving like a madwoman, running pedestrians off the streets of Cambridge, she was confronted with this discovery: "If you look in your backseat, Leea," MariaV stated, "you will realize that it is, in fact, not Darcy that you have 'set free.' It is his nearly identical, but not quite as clever, intelligent or handsome twin...Farcy!"

We must say that it was at this point that JenR entered the melee and brought peace and calming to an inevitably volatile situation. With all the wisdom of her years, (which, she reminds her gentle readers, are not terribly numerous), she suggested finding out a bit of the history of this anomaly of British breeding.

Shocked and dismayed, and with Leea grieved indeed at finding she had not the real Darcy in her grasp, we all undertook a reading of our beloved novel again, only to find that Mr. Darcy had been replaced by the maladroit twin mentioned above. We decided to share these findings with you. We feel that, as Jane Austen fans, you have a right to know the truth.

Chapter I

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. And if that man happens to be neither terribly handsome, intelligent, nor charming, they make the best of it.

Two horses racing across the open field startled Elizabeth Bennet out of her reverie. The appearance of these two strangers amidst the quiet countryside peaked her curiosity and she gladly took a break from her morning walk. Raising her hand to her face to block out the brilliant sunshine, she watched as the two riders came to a stop.

"A fine prospect I dare say, eh Farcy?"

"Yes Bingley, it is quite nice, if you like a place that size."

"To be sure it is no Pemberley," Bingley retorted, "but that is no reason to take that attitude."

Farcy stammered as he usually did when he spoke without thinking and quickly tried to recover from his faux pas. "No, no Bingley, that is not what I mean. Oh, what I mean is...well...it is a very nice place, indeed. I mean it is, well, made of a nice stone and the fields are quite green...and, although though you will find the society somewhat unrefined, it is well...a pleasant enough place. Look at all the trees..." Farcy struggled to get the words out and, in his haste to point out the lovely Hertfordshire foliage to his friend, swept his right arm out in a gesturing motion. Of course, poor Farcy failed to realize that the reins had caught upon the buttons of his greatcoat and as his right arm swung out, the rest of his body was pulled off balance and he came crashing off the horse uttering the most ungentlemanlike words.

Lizzy, from her vantage point on the small rise above the field, could not miss the spectacle below and endeavored to hold back her mirth. She failed in this task and erupted in laughter that rendered her immobile.

Meanwhile, Farcy extricated himself from the horse's tack and resumed his place atop Polonius. Polonius, in turn, whinnied the proverbial whinny at its fumbling owner.

Bingley, barely concealing peals of laughter, managed a few words. "Yes, Farcy the trees are quite nice. They are a lot like those at Pemberley, green and all. I do think I like it here, Farcy. Netherfield seems the perfect place to settle. I shall close with the attorney directly." With that, Bingley turned the horse and headed back towards the road. Farcy, still regaining his balance atop his trusty steed, looked up onto the hillside and saw a young woman overcome with laughter.

Turning red with embarrassment, Farcy raced off.

Eventually gathering her wits, Lizzy looked up just in time to see the now upright rider rush off towards the thicket running along the brook. With a smile on her face and a spring in her step Lizzy turned on her heel and headed back to her home at Longbourn

Farcy, with the realization that he had traveled a few hundred meters in the wrong direction finally dawning, turned the horse, glanced once more at the laughing figure on the hillside, and raced off in Bingley's wake...excessively embarrassed.

As Lizzy entered the park at Longbourn, she picked a few of the wildflowers that grew along the drive and headed in the front door. Depositing her shawl and bonnet on the small table next to the day's post. Seeing a letter from her Aunt Gardiner, Lizzy picked it up and skipped up the steps to her room.

"You're sure in a good mood, Lizzy!"

"Of course I am Jane. I had a wonderful walk and now I see a letter has arrived from our Aunt." Grabbing her older sister's arm, Lizzy pulled Jane into her room, "You must let me tell you about what I saw on my walk. It was such a sight!"

"Did Mr. Jones' tiny pigs escape onto the road again? Last week they frightened our Aunt Philips when she came to call."

"No, this is much more exciting. I saw two young gentlemen looking over the grounds at Netherfield. I think one of them may look to lease the property. It has been vacant for a while"

"Were they handsome, Lizzy?"

"One of them was very handsome. He had a wonderful smile and was quite the horseman. The other one was dressed very fine. But he didn't seem quite as handsome as he should have been, wasn't nearly as clever as he ought to have been, if his horsemanship is any indication of his intelligence, well, I'd just rather not say anything on that point."

"Lizzy, however can you be so harsh? You do not even know the gentleman. He may be very nice. Not all men can be excellent horsemen..."

"Yes, Jane, but I do believe staying atop the horse is a requirement for riding," Lizzy said, falling into a fit of laughter.

"Oh, Lizzy." Jane shook her head as she looked at her still laughing sister. "So, what does Aunt Gardiner say?"

Lizzy unsealed the letter that had been tossed aside earlier and quickly scanned the contents. "Hmmm, she says that our Uncle and our cousins are all doing well. She sends her regards to mother, she inquires after father and says the bookseller has some new titles he may be interested in." Lizzy then skimmed through all the requisite greetings to their other sisters.

"Oh, look here Jane," Lizzy exclaimed as Jane scooted closer to her on the window seat, "Aunt Gardiner mentions that she would be happy to extend an invitation to us to come stay with them in London during the winter if we need to 'escape' Meryton!"

"That is good news, Lizzy. But let's not say anything to our mother just yet, or she will find a reason to come along as well."

"For shame! You are getting as bad as me, Jane..."

Just then, a familiar screeching was ringing throughout the house, breaking the sisters' reverie.

"Jane! Lizzy! Girls! Oh, Mr. Bennet, such wonderful news!"

Chapter 2 ~ By Jen R

Posted on Friday, 24 March 2000

Note: Maria was kind enough to supply the very cute "tolerable" line. A Scooby Snack goes the first person to identify the Calvin and Hobbes reference! As for all other questions... all will be answered in due time. Enjoy!

As the day of the assembly drew near, Elizabeth found herself well able to entertain the jibes her mother directed at her, as the flutters she made at Jane would have been so much more unbearable. She had surmised that one of the two gentlemen she had seen was Mr. Bingley, and amused herself at wondering which it could be. If it were that man who had fallen so unceremoniously, she knew he would suit Jane well; for Jane had a great capacity for forgiveness, and it seemed he had an excessive need of it!

With this encounter in her mind, she solicited details from Mr. Bennet of their new neighbour with nearly as much alacrity as did the younger Miss Bennets. However, Mr. Bennet eluded the skill of them all; and they were at last obliged to accept the second-hand intelligence of their neighbour Lady Lucas. Upon reception of Lady Lucas' information, Elizabeth believed Mr. Bingley to be the cheerful gentleman, and the other a stranger, perhaps a relation of his. When Mr. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet's call, she was able to confirm this guess from an upper window; whilst her sister remarked upon his blue coat and black horse, she settled his identity (so long in question) firmly in her mind.

Amongst her sisters (and, it must be allowed, her mother), very lively hopes of Mr. Bingley's heart were entertained. However, Elizabeth's thoughts lay chiefly with the stranger, looking forward to the amusement he might present. She dearly loved a laugh, and enjoyed high hopes of adding the not-quite-handsome, not-nearly-mysterious stranger to a long list of acquaintances whose presence required a handkerchief or napkin to conceal a smile.

The Bennets arrived at the Assembly without many arguments over which dress was to be worn and how one's hair was to be done, causing Mr. Bennet to remark that five such disputes the morning of an Assembly was a new record for his family. This remark made Mrs. Bennet all the more thankful that Mr. Bennet chose to refrain from attending such events. She breathed a sigh of anxiety, shrieking about her nerves as she chased her daughters into the carriages only half an hour after she had stated as the last possible time to leave (eliciting another remark from Mr. Bennet regarding family records).

Upon arrival, the two eldest Bennet girls sought out Charlotte Lucas, the youngest two sought young men (it scarcely mattered which), and the sole remaining Bennet daughter sought a lonely chair while the mother gossiped with anybody who would listen.

The Bingley party descended from their carriages. Miss Bingley leaned over Mr. Farcy's shoulder and whispered in a conspiratorial tone, "Shall you be quite safe here, Mr. Farcy, do you think?"

Farcy did not quite know what to say as he stumbled and nearly fell into a large puddle. As he was teetering he did not notice Miss Bingley roll her eyes at Mrs. Hurst and clench her teeth together in determination.

As a dance came to an end, Mr. Bingley's party entered. Silence fell upon the room.

Mr. Bingley was good looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant countenance, and easy, unaffected manners. His brother-in-law, Mr. Hurst, merely looked the gentleman; and his friend Mr. Farcy soon drew the attention of the room by his tall, slightly gangly person, not overly handsome features, nervous mien; and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having ten thousand a year. The gentlemen pronounced him to be an undistinctive man, the ladies declared he was not so handsome as Mr. Bingley. He was nevertheless looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, despite his lack of outstanding looks, till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be a doofus. A rich doofus, but a doofus nonetheless. Moreover, he was incapable of charming his company, and above being at ease; and not all his large estate in Derbyshire could then save him from having a most geeky countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with his friend.

Mr. Farcy danced only once with Mrs. Hurst and once with Miss Bingley, declined being introduced to any other lady (which none of them sought, having seen his poor dancing skills on display), and spent the rest of the evening in walking about the room, speaking occasionally to one of his own party, always looking out of place. His character was decided. He was the least refined, most awkward man in the world, and every body hoped that he would never come there again. Amongst the most violent against him was Mrs. Bennet, whose dislike of his general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by his having slighted one of her daughters, and having accidentally trodden upon the toes of another.

We could discuss Kitty's pain as the weight of her corner's foot bore down upon her, and how she was torn between a desire to finish her dance with a handsome young man, a need to attend to her throbbing toes, and despair that her favourite slippers had received an irreparable mark.

However, as my dear readers are aware, this story is not about Miss Kitty Bennet, so we shall leave her to her dithering and attend to the other daughter in question.

Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Mr. Farcy had been standing near enough for her to overhear a conversation between him and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes to press his friend to join it.

"Come, Farcy," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."

"Dance?" stammered Mr. Farcy, "I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. My hands get clammy, I misstep, and I make a fool of myself. Even your sisters, who are accustomed to my awkwardness, did not take pleasure dancing with me. I am sure Mrs. Hurst has not quite put the noodle incident behind her (and I can hardly blame her). Miss Bingley means only to be polite in dancing with me, and I have noticed her favoring one foot; I suppose I stepped on it. There is not a woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to her to stand up with."

"I would not be so anxious as you are," cried Bingley, "for a kingdom!"

"Of course, you would not, Bingley," muttered Mr. Farcy, "you have not had a near encounter with a blancmange or nearly upset a glass of port with your coat-tail this evening. As these have happened to me, perhaps you had better leave me to judge."

"What has blancmange to do with it?"

"Did you not see it at the refreshment table?" said Farcy. "I might have eaten it and broken out into hives if I had not identified it in time. And I longed for a piece of Black Forest, but I am allergic to cholocate as well." Farcy blinked. "Cholocate...no, that's not quite right..."

"I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life," sighed Bingley, "and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty. Surely they are worth the effort?"

"The more worth the effort, the less nerve I possess! As if I could convince someone pleasant to stand up with me for a half hour, to be trodden upon, led wrong, and generally embarrassed. Honestly, I am surprised there has been no loss of limb yet this evening. Besides which, you are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Mr. Farcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh! she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."

"Which do you mean?" and turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own shyly and said, "She is Toblerone, I suppose; but not sweet enough to tempt me. No, that's not quite right, is it? What did I say? Oh, hang it all, I cannot remember. In any case, I will not dance! You had better return to that cutie you've been dancing with and enjoy her wiles, for you are wasting your time with me."

"What did you just say about Miss Bennet?" said Bingley, turning somewhat red with anger.

"Something about turtles... or perhaps tuning forks, was it about the Talmud? Tinnitus, thistles? I will remember, give me time..."

"Not Miss Elizabeth, the other Miss Bennet!" hissed Mr. Bingley.

"Oh, her," said Mr. Farcy. "What did I say... let's see, I called her handsome and a cutie. You don't take offense to that, do you?" Mr. Farcy looked hesitantly at Mr. Bingley, who shook his head impatiently. "Then I recommended you returned to her... oh, good Lord, I meant smiles, I do apologize! I never can seem to get my words straight, can I? I'm sorry..." Mr. Farcy trailed off.

Bingley sighed with the forbearance of one long acquainted with Mr. Farcy's malapropisms.

"No, I do not take offense," said Mr. Bingley. "And as for Miss Elizabeth, I believe you have chocolate on the brain."

Bingley and followed his advice, joining Miss Bennet in the dance again.

Mr. Farcy stood for a few moments, deep in thought. If one were close to him, one might have heard him mutter "Chocolate? What has that to do with tubas? Or was it thunder?" under his breath. He looked at Elizabeth again in the hopes that he might remember what he had said.

Miss Bennet looked back with something between amusement and anger, with a definite bent towards anger. All at once, Mr. Farcy recalled his words, discerned that Miss Bennet had overheard them, and observed that she did not deserve them.

Embarrassed, Mr. Farcy fled the assembly hall with as much decorum as he could muster. Elizabeth remained with no very cordial feelings towards him (mixed with a degree of confusion at his words). She told the story however with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, playful disposition, which delighted in any thing ridiculous. She judiciously silenced the part of her mind which reminded her she did not know what Toblerone was.

Chapter 3 ~ By Josie

Posted on Wednesday, 5 April 2000

Once out of the ballroom, Mr. Farcy stopped to reconsider. How was he to get back to Netherfield? The party had arrived in two carriages and he knew he couldn't just take the other one, leaving the Bingleys and the Hursts to try to fit in one carriage. Besides, he knew Caroline well enough to know that it would be no pleasure, more like a punishment, to sit in crowded carriage with her any longer than five minutes.

"What can I do?" he said to himself "I can't go back inside. What would everyone think of me?"

Something told Farcy that he should indeed go in and apologise Miss Bennet, but when he pictured Miss Bennet slapping his face in anger and the crowd laughing behind them, he gave up the idea.

"There is no way I could go there, I would make a spectacle of my self " Farcy muttered.

You already have made yourself ridiculous, there is nothing you can do to make it even worse, a voice inside told Farcy, but he silenced that voice at once. He would not go back!

After this decision Farcy was going to walk towards Netherfield when he suddenly heard Bingley's voice calling him: "Farcyyyy! Farcy, where are you? You can't just run out of a ball without even saying proper Good-byes."

"I...I am here." Farcy stammered in embarrassment when he realised how stupid his sudden departure must have seemed.

"What were you thinking? You know it is not polite to run out like that. Can you imagine how everyone looked at you when you left?" Asked Bingley when he had reached Farcy.

"B...but I couldn't...stay there...after I had...."

"After you had called Miss Bennet a cutie and Miss Elizabeth toblerone?" finished Bingley his sentence, amused

"Y...yes" stammered poor Farcy, wishing he could just disappear.

Bingley, who was too good-hearted to see his friend suffer, said "Very well, don't be that distressed, it is not likely that anybody even heard you." he said, and after noticing that this had helped Farcy very little, continued: "If you really don't want to come back in, I can express your apologises to our host and tell that you had a headache. You can take my carriage, I suppose I can come with the Hursts."

Farcy's face lightened "You are a true friend, Bingley, thank you." He cried out, loudly enough to wake everybody who might have been asleep in the neighbourhood.

They then bid good night and Farcy headed to the carriage, thanking his lucky stars that he didn't have to go back to be further embarrassed.

The following morning Farcy, while eating his breakfast, found himself thinking of last night's events.

She's toblerone I suppose....

"How could I have said such a thing?" Farcy wondered, "Her dark eyes and hair...they would match perfectly with dark chocolate."

Farcy leaned back in his chair, meditating on the very great pleasure that a bit of dark chocolate (or white, who cares) might bestow...that is, if he could eat it. "But no, I'm allergic", he sighed.

His thoughts were then interrupted by Mr. Bingley who entered the room.

"Good morning Farcy!" , he said cheerfully, and after taking a glance at Farcy, continued with laughter "What have you been thinking? I can see from you face it is something important."

(I believe it is necessary to remind my readers here that Farcy had been eating his breakfast while thinking and half of the breakfast had ended up on his face, leaving no doubt that his mind had been otherwise engaged.)

Farcy, however, knew little of his present appearance and was thinking that his friend had some mystical powers to be able to read his mind.

"H..how....d..did you know...?" he stammered in confusion

"Never mind", said Bingley smiling, "But I would advice you to take a piece of cloth and wipe that cream out of your face before my sisters come here to have their breakfast."

"C...cream?" Farcy touched his face and noticed that there was indeed something that didn't belong there. He then did as Bingley had advised and wiped it off.

" I was just thinking of the ball we had last night" Farcy then said when he realised that Bingley was still waiting for an answer to his question.

"Really? Is it still bothering you? You should get over it before we ride to Meryton to meet some of our new acquaintances."

Farcy who was finishing his breakfast choked at this and nearly managed to fall off his chair. "W...what? No, I can't go there!", He cried, "Not after what happened last night!"

"There is no reason why you should not go, quite the contrary." Said Bingley "Now you have a possibility to apologise your behaviour and show everyone that you aren't that bad."

"But how am I supposed to do that" asked Farcy frustrated "I don't know any of them and you know I cannot carry a conversation with someone I don't know well"

"And you never will get to know anyone unless you go and talk with them." ,replied Bingley," Besides, I have never in my life met as many pleasant people as I have met here. I am sure they will all welcome you to their acquaintance."

"I'm not so sure..." Farcy muttered, remembering how he had offended almost every mother in the ball by not dancing with their daughters, how he had called Miss Bennet toblerone, and how he had nearly managed to pour some port on his coat.

With all these embarrassing memories of the previous night, Farcy stood up and quitted the room before Bingley could convince him to go to Meryton, as he knew would eventually happen if he stayed. Farcy knew he was never able to keep his mind if someone was persuading him, and this time he had absolutely decided not to go.

But poor Farcy could do nothing with dignity: on his way out he came across a servant who was bringing a bowl of porridge, and when Farcy didn't notice this on time the hit was unavoidable. The porridge fell all over Mr. Farcy's coat and head. To make the embarrassment perfect, just when Farcy thought he could get away whit this one, he saw Caroline and Louisa approaching. The poor man could do nothing but bid good morning and run off embarrassed.

Chapter 4 ~ By Maria V

Posted on Tuesday, 2 May 2000

Farcy rushed into his room and slammed the door behind him, his breathing quick. The embarrassment of the run-in with the porridge just wasn't enough - Bingley's two favorite retrievers caught the scent of the spilled breakfast food in the hallway and chased Farcy all the way upstairs, hoping to get a morsel. Farcy could hear them sniffing and clawing at the door. Turning the key in the lock he spun around to see his valet standing before him, holding out a new suit.

With a mumbled "thank you" Farcy placed himself into the hands of his capable, and seemingly omniscient, valet. I will never understand how he always knows when I need a new suit, Farcy thought to himself. If I did not know better, I'd think he was always standing in my rooms with a new suit in his hands just waiting for me to have another accident. It is a good thing he did not know better.

After Farcy was once again outfitted with a porridge-free suit, he deliberated where he should go. He did not want to see Bingley and his sisters, as they would try to convince him to go to the party at the Lucas' that evening. He couldn't very well take Polonius out for a ride for he knew that if he did, he was sure to run into someone that he unwittingly insulted the previous evening.

The library, Farcy thought. I know I won't run into a Bingley there...and I can even finish that letter to my steward.

An hour later, Farcy folded the completed letter to his steward and applied the hot wax to seal it closed.

"Ouch! &!@%* Stupid wax," Farcy exclaimed, capturing the attention of one of the maids passing by the door to the library.

"Is everything all right, Sir?"

Just perfect, mumbled Farcy to himself. "Y-yes, it is just f-fine. W-would you be so kind as to roast this letter?"

"Sir?"

"I mean toast, no host...aargh...post this letter. C-could you p-please? And w-would it be possible to have my lunch brought in here?"

"It would be no problem, sir. I will someone back with your lunch." With a hidden giggle and a curtsy, the maid exited the room, closing the door behind her.

Hmmm...maybe my plan to avoid Bingley will succeed. But if I'm going to be in here all afternoon, I am going to need a book. Looking around at the tall shelves of books, Farcy wondered where he would find a book that he would like. Walking over to one shelf loaded with a set of Shakespearean plays, Farcy looked though them half-heartedly until his eye was caught by a spot of red. Turning his head, Farcy spotted the volume of interest. Perched on the top shelf was a large book of botanical prints bound in the brightest shade of red with gold lettering running down its spine.

Carefully placing the ladder in front of the bookcase, Farcy stepped up and starting reaching for the beautiful volume. With his hand firmly around the book, Farcy started pulling it off the shelf. Book in hand, he began to descend the ladder when he noticed a copy of The Three Musketeers on the next shelf over.

Mmmm... chocolate, thought Farcy as his stomach growled a little in anticipation of the impending luncheon hour.

Not wanting to climb down, move the stepladder and climb back up, Farcy reached over to grab the volume. Placing the botanical book that was hampering his reach under his left arm, Farcy once again extended his right arm and placed his right foot onto one of the lower shelves. Just as he inched his way closer, he heard the footsteps of one of the servants approaching the room.

Ah, splendid. Lunch is served. Once I get this book, I'll be all set for a nice leisurely afternoon with no Bingleys persuading me to go...

"FARCY! What in the world do you propose secreting yourself away in my library!" Bingley bellowed as he burst into the library. "I don't think you so devastated by the incident at breakfast that you cannot..."

Bingley's words trailed off as he saw, in slow motion, the figure of Farcy, slipping for his precarious position on the bookcases. Torn between helping his friend and saving what was his mother's favorite volume of botanicals, Bingley lost the few crucial seconds that would have saved either.

So, accompanied by a horrid, piercing scream emanating from the contorted face of a man destined for doom, the red volume sailed across the room and hit the floor with a thud, while the pages of prints came loose mid-air and fluttered to the ground. The Three Musketeers took the opposite course as it slipped from Farcy's grasp and crashed though the window and landed in the azaleas.

Hearing the crash of the window the servant bringing Farcy his lunch rushed into the library to see what was the cause of the commotion. Bingley stood stupefied and immobile as he saw the position James just placed himself in.

Farcy's foot slipped off the shelf and he lost his balance and plummeted off the ladder....

"AAAAAHHHHHH!"

... James was standing almost directly under the falling Farcy...

"OOF!"

...as his flailing limbs knocked the serving tray away...

"AARGH!"

...and the bowl of stew flew directly at Bingley.

For the first time that day, Bingley acted quickly and sidestepped an almost certain run-in with the flying fish stew. His sister, however, was not quite so lucky.

In the midst of all the commotion, Caroline had entered the library to discover the source of the racket. She saw a mass of person resembling Farcy about to hit the floor and she saw her brother do a quickstep to the right. Finally looking straight ahead she saw the china bowl brimming with fish stew heading right towards her. She screamed, as the bowl landed atop her head.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! My hair! My new dress! Louisa!!!!" With that, Caroline left the room as quickly as she entered.

"Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, my head."

Bingley turned around at the sound of his moaning friend. Rushing over to the pile of persons, he quickly worked at extricating Farcy from his current position. James bowed curtly and practically sprinted from the room, still not quite having recovered from the morning's porridge incident and fearing what might happen next.

"Farcy, what have you got against poor James. I am quite certain he thinks you are out to do him in, " laughed Bingley. "Now don't look so cross. I know you meant no harm."

Farcy hesitatingly spoke as he brushed some bread bits and botanical prints off the nearest chair and slumped into it, "V-very b-bunny Fingley. Bingley. Did you s-see your sis- your sister? I am quite sure she will never speak to me again. What a fool I must seem"

Never speak to you, Farcy? I doubt that. As long as your bank account is full, she would not care if you lost all your wits. "No, she will forgive you Farcy. Remember last time? It only took a fortnight for her to forget about the mousse."

Mmmmm......mousse.

"Well, I did come in to persuade you to accompany us tonight. Sir William will be most upset if you do not come." One look at Farcy's faraway gaze told Bingley his hopes would be for naught.

Oooh...chocolate mousse.

"Very well, ignore me if you want, but you will most definitely join me when we dine with the officers tomorrow. I am putting my foot down on this one." With a stamp of his foot, Bingley punctuated his sentence -- SPLUSH! -- right in the pureed carrots. "Do you hear me, Farcy?"

His reverie broken, Farcy started "Huh? What was that? Oh, of course. I am sorry for all the truffle, I mean trouble, I caused in here. Please I really do not feel up to socializing tonight. I think I shall just confine myself to my room, for the safety of your servants. But tomorrow, I shall be recovered and will join you in meeting the officers."

The Trouble With Tribbles ~ By JenR

Posted on Tuesday, 13 June 2000

Warning: tribbles there are nought, but puns aplenty...

Ditzwilliam Farcy paced up and down the length of his rooms, to the bewilderment of Andrew, his valet.

"Sir?"

"What?"

"Do you not plan to attend the Lucas party tonight, sir? I have your blue coat laid out..."

"No, no, I had much better stay here," said Farcy. "'Tis safer."

Andrew looked on him with understanding. "Very well, sir. Will you be needing me, then?"

"Not particularly, no."

Andrew bowed and departed for the servants' quarters as Farcy continued to stride. Finally Farcy ceased and dejectedly threw himself into a chair. "Ow!" he cried, "what did you go do that for?"

"Well, you deserve a little throwing around now and then," countered Farcy. "You are a bit of an idiot, you know."

"Oh, I know," he replied morosely, "but you needn't rub it in! Just for that, I'm never speaking to you again!"

"Fine!" sniffed Farcy, "see if I care!"

The minutes slipped by. "Come back here!" cried Farcy after the passing minutes, "you know Bingley will not have any running in this house, let alone that infernal flying!"

The minutes turned to Farcy, and looking meek, began to creep out of the room.

"Wait," said Farcy, "there's no need to plod along like that... can't you hurry it up a little?"

The minutes looked at Farcy and glanced mischievously at each other. They got down on their knees and began to crawl.

"Nooooo!" wailed Farcy, "that's ten times worse! Would that I had not opened my big fat mouth!"

Farcy picked up a book from his bedside table and attempted to read. He soon found that he could not focus on the letters as they jumped around on the page.

"Oh, that's just great," grumbled Farcy, "the minutes are crawling, but the alphabet simply won't sit still." He tossed his book aside and went to glare out his window. This soon became tedious, however, as Farcy found his weak eyes could not stand constant glaring at the bright afternoon sunlight.

Frustrated, Farcy flung himself on his bed, wincing as it creaked ominously under his clumsy frame. He attempted to nap, but sleep escaped him, only to trip over the minutes, which were still crawling across the floor. As sleep fled, Farcy jumped out of bed and attempted to catch forty winks, but they eluded him as well.

Realizing the futility of attempting to nap, Farcy sat at his desk and attempted to gather his thoughts in a large wicker basket. However, the fuzzy little things kept jumping out and running around, squeaking adorably, and distracting him so much that Farcy could scarce put pen to paper.

Farcy flung his pen down on his desk and shut it. He jumped up, tripped over a stray thought, and fell face-first into a pile of minutes (which are, unfortunately, prickly little things). Muttering under his breath about how he could not think of a suitable curse word, he got up, at which point his breath decided it did not like having Farcy under him and also gave him chase. Panting heavily, Farcy chased it and finally caught it. Straightening his jacket he tried to retain some semblance of dignity. Dignity itself managed to jump out of the window, but its semblance fortunately remained long enough for Farcy to pick it up by the tail and stuff it into his waistcoat pocket. The tail poked from the top of the pocket like a misbehaving handkerchief.

"I am more of a danger alone than I am in company," said Farcy to himself. "I think I shall accompany the others to Lucas Lodge after all!"

"I thought you weren't speaking to me!" retorted Farcy huffily.

"My mistake," muttered Farcy as he opened his closet door. Finding Andrew just within, holding his blue jacket, he started. Then stopped.

"Is that a semblance in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" asked Andrew in a monotone.

"I beg your pardon?" said Farcy.

"Do you? I am not certain I have one to spare. Is all well, sir?" asked Andrew.

"I would not know, Andrew, I have not spoken with him lately. We are not well acquainted," said Farcy absently.

"Ah," replied Andrew. "Will you be accompanying the Bingley party tonight, sir?"

"Yes, Andrew," said Farcy resignedly, "I believe I shall, although I am a terrible pianist."

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