When I Was Nineteen ~ Section I

By Lise

Beginning, Next Section

Chapter One

Posted on Sunday, 11 March 2007

"You don't have to hold a training camp in Mauritius," Anne Elliot suggested to her sister in a nearly exasperated voice. She knew that their father -- Walter Elliot, head coach and chairman of Kellynch Swimming Club -- had overspent, all for the sake of his daughter Elizabeth. Anne was not privy to all the financial details, but she had picked up enough hints about an impending bankruptcy. "It'd be cheaper to --"

Elizabeth did not want to know what would be cheaper. "But I want to go to Mauritius."

"But --"

"Anne, what do you know about it? You can barely hold your head above the water and you have no idea what a world class swimmer needs in terms of facilities. I need to go to Mauritius and that's that."

"Why not Lanzarote if you insist on an island?" It was still further than she would recommend, but she was willing to compromise somewhat.

"Lanzarote?" Elizabeth's voice sounded shrill from indignation. "Everyone goes to Lanzarote! Even masters go there! I refuse to share the pool with people who learnt to swim when they were sixty-five. I'm not going to mingle with the amateurs."

Anne rolled her eyes. "But you can't afford Mauritius." She refrained from saying that they could not even afford to rent an entire pool at home, let alone in some exotic place. One lane, that was all. There would be other people in the pool wherever Elizabeth went and she could not control who they were. The horrors! They might well be eighty.

"South Africa then."

Anne now wished to hit her head against something. She let out a sort of muted scream. Why did her sister think that one luxury resort was cheaper than another?

"Dad, Anne is jealous," Elizabeth complained. "She wants us to train in a crappy pool nearby. Among the public! You know I can't, Dad."

"Anne, you need to accept that Elizabeth and I have different requirements when it comes to training," Walter said pompously. "We can't just swim in any pool like you do. Conditions need to be perfect. That should be obvious."

"Isn't it obvious to them that they can't afford it?" Anne complained to her mother a little later. She did not count on receiving much support.

"No, not at all," Lindy Russell sighed. She was not divorced from the man for no reason, but being divorced she did not think it necessary to oppose him too much. What Walter and Elizabeth wanted to do was their own business. "I tried to suggest three weeks instead of four, but they wouldn't hear of it."

"Four weeks!" Anne was shocked, as much at the original plan as at her mother's inadequate attempt to influence it. "They're more often away than not. It's no wonder the club is going bankrupt."

"That, they say, is an exaggeration."

"You know it isn't."

"I don't know. I haven't been allowed to look at the figures," Lindy said evasively, but that was rather indifferent of an assistant coach.

"But it makes sense that with so many training camps abroad and so many fancy new swimsuits, and no renewed sponsor contract, they have been spending far too much and it's going to come out somehow. Whose money have they been spending?" Anne suspected that the entire budget of the swimming division had gone towards Elizabeth, when it ought to have been divided more equally. There were other swimmers too. They paid membership fees and ought to receive something in return. They were not sponsoring Elizabeth.

She would hate to see the club going bankrupt. What would she do and where would she go if it ceased to exist? It had been a large part of her life for such a long time that she could not imagine it, yet her father's malpractices were putting it all at risk now. Anne had very little else. It was not until it was in danger of disappearing that she realised how little it actually was.

Lindy appeared not to care about the same thing. "But you cannot deny that Elizabeth has been performing really well this season. Don't say it out loud, but she's too old to try another approach."

Elizabeth was twenty-nine, of course, and Anne knew that changing a successful formula might well be the end of her sister's career. She grimaced. At twenty-nine, was it not time for something else? Hardly anyone stuck it out that long. Alternating training and resting was rather mind-numbing and Anne knew that Elizabeth did nothing else. She did not even read books.

Anne tried a reply. "But isn't --" But as usual she would be alone in her opinions and it was no use trying to change anyone's mind. They rarely listened and were even less often convinced that someone else could be right. She had no option but to submit.

John Shepherd, the club's treasurer, eventually had no choice but to make Walter listen. It took him some time to discover which approach worked -- criticism, though veiled, did not, but insincere flattery worked like a charm. Walter and Elizabeth were not clever enough to see through it and too self-absorbed to see that their unreasonably high opinion of themselves could not be possibly be shared by everybody, especially not by those who had an interest in getting rid of them.

Mr Shepherd persuaded them that the facilities in Bath were superior, that his daughter Penelope, who was a physiotherapist there, would treat them as they deserved to be treated and that they would be vastly better off in Bath. Once all reasonable approaches were abandoned, it took him no time at all to get rid of the Elliots. In leaving for something better, they would not lose face and, as Walter believed, their departure would even be regretted.

Their departure had predictably not been rued at all, not by themselves and not by the ones they left behind at Kellynch. Their arrogance had not made the Elliot family very popular. While the youngest sister Mary was tolerated, Anne was the only true exception, although she was too quiet to become popular. She was mostly useful.

Mary, supposedly Kellynch's team manager, could do and arrange very little because she was always busy or ill, although no official gathering or party could take place without her. It was Anne who did most of her work without taking or receiving the credit for it.

Anne was a good girl. She could always be counted on to say yes if she was asked to do something, to fill in when someone was absent. Now that her mother was on holiday, she was even coaching. It was a well-known fact that Anne had nothing to do anyway. Anne, Mary would say, did not have a husband or a family.

Considering Lindy's active social life and multiple holidays, a replacement for Walter had to be found, even if Walter had not done much with swimmers other than Elizabeth. Still, he had nominally filled the role of chairman and someone was required to replace him in that function for certain.

It was always difficult to find a good coach, especially given Kellynch Swimming Club's depleted financial resources, but eventually a couple had been found who not only had the necessary qualifications, but also no objections to not being paid for their efforts. They had no children and seemingly did not mind spending hours in the pool, as long as they could both spend those hours there, and they also did not object to chairing.

Anne, who had not gone to Bath with her father and sister, but who had been wheedled into becoming a temporary coach, wistfully observed that the unpaid Crofts approached their new tasks with more enthusiasm and energy than their predecessors who had received money for them. They were not only energetic, but they also remembered the slower swimmers' names, something Walter Elliot had never cared to do.

All in all the change had been so much for the better that she felt quite ashamed to be related to the other Elliots.

Sophia Croft was very busy reorganising the club. She could not understand how it had been able to run at all, even if it had been badly. And she quickly realised that Mary, though full of her own importance, would be no help. No, Mary expected everyone to follow her orders because she had once been the chairman's and head coach's daughter and she still filled the position of team manager, although Sophia did not quite understand what she did or why such a small club needed one at all. The only one who had ever been allowed to go anywhere was Elizabeth and she was gone.

Only Anne seemed to be a sensible girl, if quiet. Sophia expected little from the absent coach Lindy Russell, who was by all accounts Walter Elliot's minion. She did not know what else Lindy was or had been of Walter's, but she was glad Anne was taking over the woman's role for the moment.

"We're expecting my brother soon," Sophia said to Anne. "And then you can go back to what you were previously doing with your evenings, because I can get my brother to coach in return for board and lodgings. I wonder if you ever heard of him, Frederick Wentworth?"

Anne had certainly heard of Frederick Wentworth. He had been to several big tournaments in the past five or six years and he was said to be retiring from the international arena to focus on a career outside swimming. She had read that somewhere yesterday, about six times.

But his swimming achievements and medals were not what came to Anne's mind first when she thought of Frederick. Eight years ago he had been her boyfriend.

Anne had usually been ignored by her father and sister at competitions. She had been good, but she had not been as talented as her elder sister. She came along because she enjoyed competing, but there was never much interest in her from her own team.

It was perfectly understandable that she would speak to other people instead, though not to many, and that some came to see she was not as obnoxious as the rest of her family. It was not incomprehensible that after being ignored another time, she had been driven straight into the arms of Frederick Wentworth, who was the only one of his club at that particular competition and thus not at all opposed to entertaining a sweet and pretty girl.

It had not taken many more competitions to convince Frederick and Anne that they would spend the rest of their lives together. They would have moved in together, but neither had any money nor, at nineteen, any qualifications. Frederick had offered to get a job to support them, but Anne had not allowed him. She had insisted that he finish his education first. She would wait.

He, however, had not been so patient. Anne's hesitation had felt already like a lack of trust and love, but the final blow had come when Anne had revealed that her parents disapproved of their relationship, as parents and coaches. She should concentrate on her sport and not waste time on untalented boys who were merely there to fill up lanes and who came to competitions only to seduce girls. It spoke of a lack of commitment and seriousness and whatnot. Anne, at nineteen, had not been able to oppose them.

That Anne was swayed by other people was more than Frederick had been able to bear, especially since they solely judged him based on his swimming. He had accepted a scholarship from an American university and he had not contacted her again. As far as she knew he had barely been in the country since then. His parents were dead and his sister had been living abroad. He had had nobody to come back to here, except the odd national championships for which Anne no longer qualified, being too unhappy to swim well.

She had of course followed his swimming career. Going abroad had done him good. He had improved quickly and during the first half of his twenties he had been a regular fixture on the national team. Perhaps he had not been so untalented after all. Now it seemed he had enough of that life, travelling from training camp to international tournament.

That Frederick Wentworth was Sophia Croft's brother was something she had not realised. She had known he had a sister, even that she was called Sophia, but they had never met and she had never been told the husband's last name either. Things added up indeed now she knew.

She wanted to reply something to Sophia that would not be too revealing, but two young swimmers who had been listening had beaten her to speaking before she could open her mouth.

"Oh!" the girls, two sisters, squealed in unison. "Frederick Wentworth is your brother? He is, like, totally yummy! When is he coming?"

Sophia laughed at their enthusiasm. "Soon."

Anne's disconcerted expression went unnoticed in the general squealing that went on beside her. She took solace in the fact that she might well be suspected of thinking little of squealing, rather than being thrown completely off balance by the imminent arrival of Frederick Wentworth.

"Kellynch?"

Sophia could almost see her brother curl up his lips in contempt, even if she was on the phone with him. His tone was very revealing. "Oh, really! It's not that bad." It was, but he would never come if she said so.

"Isn't Kellynch the Elliot bulwark?" Frederick asked after a moment of hesitation.

"Not anymore. Walter -- Sir Walter, as he'd probably like to call himself -- thought he'd be better off training in Bath with Elizabeth. It's a public secret that their sponsoring didn't quite cover the costs he's been making for the past few years, but he claims he's got access to a better team of advisors in Bath. Whatever. We all know why he really left. Too many fancy training camps."

"So they're all gone?" He sounded relieved.

"Yes. No, wait. I never think of Anne -- do you know Anne? -- as an Elliot. She looks nothing like them, you see, but she's still here."

His voice was very steady. "But she's not an Elliot because she married out of the family?"

"No, that was Mary. She's still around too, by the way."

"Sophia, you're confusing me." He wanted to hear more.

"Sorry. There were three Elliot girls. Elizabeth went to Bath with her father, Mary is now called Musgrove and Anne will be our team manager. I know, the information sheet online says it's Mary, but Mary has the title and Anne does the work."

He would never have accepted to live with Sophia if he had known. He knew he could not stay out of a pool in spite of his retirement and he was bound to run into Anne. He told himself he was mildly curious to see what had become of her, but nothing more.

Chapter Two

Posted on Friday, 16 March 2007

As she cooked her solitary dinner Anne mused that she was practically living alone. She was supposed to live with her mother, Elizabeth with her father and Mary had, for lack of a third parent, got married. Lindy was off on a business holiday again, so Anne could either eat alone or eat at Mary's house. Today she had little enthusiasm for such a noisy dinner. In addition to her own loudness, Mary had two rowdy toddlers with whose feeding she would be asked to help and there would be little opportunity for reflection.

After what she had heard today she had been craving quiet moments. Naturally she came to think of Frederick and her solitude made her remember what her mother had said at the time. It could have been different now if she had not listened; she could have had company.

"When I was nineteen, nobody told me to break it off and I got stuck with your father," her mother had said. "Nobody is wise enough to make these choices at nineteen."

Anne should not have compared Frederick to her father, although that had been solely his interpretation. He did not like the man and he was grievously offended. He had been certain they would not end up like Anne's parents. She had also been certain of that, but that she had only brought up her mother's warning to explain their point of view was something he had not wanted to hear.

Her mother's words had made an impression on Anne, though, because her parents had already been divorced at the time. Considering that fact, Lindy would probably have been better off had she met someone at a later age, although Anne could still not tell to which degree they were actually separated. They certainly were not enemies.

Anne supposed they were both far too self-centred to thrive in circumstances other than the present. She hoped she had not inherited any of that self-centredness. It would be odd if she had not, given that Elizabeth and Mary had not escaped a good dose of the trait.

But back to Frederick, she told herself. Whether they would have lasted was now a moot point, although she believed they would have. He was a swimmer. He would very likely set foot in the pool at least once and she spent rather a lot of time there at the moment. Until the confrontation happened she would fret, so life had better be kind and make it quick and painless.

Life was not often kind, she knew, and she steeled herself against the inevitable meeting. She at least had the advantage of knowing they must meet at some point, which might not apply to him. He might only be thinking he was going to stay with his sister. What would he think? Would he know he might meet her? And what would he say if he did? It would be very embarrassing, that was certain, and she did not think they could go back to what they once were. He would not want to.

After dinner she made the workouts for the next few days. She always made them if her mother could not and it was no great effort. Even if the Crofts were now making them for their own lanes, Anne had to make something for Lindy's group. It took her longer than usual today; she kept worrying about meeting Frederick.

It was late when she had finally emailed them all out and handled all the email correspondence about swimming matters that came in on a daily basis. She was due at the pool at six in the morning and there was not much more time in the evening than for eating and emailing a little.

When was soon? Sophia had said soon. Anne wondered about it as she tried to decide on an outfit to wear by the poolside the next morning. Then she decided she was silly and tired, and that she had no time for this. She simply threw the top tracksuit into her bag.

Anne tried to decide whether the notice board was a good place to hang a poster. Would enough people pass here to see it? It was a notice board, intended for notices, but oddly it hung very much out of the way. Louisa Musgrove's voice droned on, but she was not really listening.

Hanging up posters was Mary's job, but Mary's knee would not allow her to climb the stands. Or so she said. Anne had caught her saying something about Frederick Wentworth being expected, so that was probably more interesting. Louisa must not have caught that, or she would never be here. She had called him totally yummy the day before.

Anne's sensibilities could not fail to be affected by the posters she was hanging up. Mary would never realise that it was their family's fault that posters for a fundraising were needed, but it mortified Anne and save for checking whether she did not hang them backwards or at a wrong angle, she tried not to look at them.

"…and Charles Hayter. You know Henrietta is dating him, right?" Louisa paused only a split second, not long enough for Anne to give a reply. "Well, according to Henrietta he wants her to sleep over, but she isn't sure. She asked me, but what could I say? Are you a virgin, Anne?"

Anne first focused on taping the poster to the notice board, wondering which kind of answer was least likely to draw an interested reaction from Louisa. Yes? No? The conversation was not about her and it should not become about her either. It was a pity that she had not really heard what had preceded that last question. Why could Louisa be interested? "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked if you were a virgin, but I take it you are then, if you don't want to answer," Louisa said shrewdly. "I've never seen you with a boyfriend."

"Louisa," Anne said with an exasperated chuckle. She had to point this out. "You are nineteen and I am twenty-seven. When I was nineteen, you were eleven. For how long do you think you've been interested in my love life? Theoretically speaking I could have entered the boyfriend stage long before you joined this club."

"Theoretically, yes. So you are. I didn't think it was something you would be interested in, but I thought I could never hurt to try. You at least won't tell anybody I asked. It won't be all over the pool if I tell you."

Anne shrugged. She wondered if she should point out that Louisa would probably do a fairly good job of spreading it all over the pool herself if she continued to look for someone to confide in.

"But if you have no experience you cannot advise me about Henrietta and tell me what Charles Hayter has in mind," Louisa went on.

"If Henrietta wants to be advised, shouldn't she be the one to ask me?" Anne could not imagine Elizabeth or Mary confiding in her to this extent, nor herself confiding in either of them. They were not sisters who shared much. And now she wished Louisa would not share this much with her either. "Why don't you ask Mary? At least with her you can be sure she's experienced. She's got two children."

"Mary." Louisa, despite being Mary's sister-in-law, did not sound very complimentary. "She'd tell us all about herself again. You must know the story about her and Charles."

"Thankfully I don't."

"Yowza!" Louisa exclaimed when her eyes fell on some people coming onto the pool deck below. "If that is Frederick Wentworth, he's even hotter than I thought. Do you think you can finish hanging up these posters all by yourself?"

Anne felt the roll of tape being pressed into her hands. She did not get the chance to say she had already been hanging up these posters all by herself, because Louisa had not exactly been any help. She sighed and willed herself not to stare at the hot Frederick Wentworth. There were more important things to do.

Louisa treated him like a film star, when he was merely a swimmer. She wondered how he would suffer the adoration. Eight years ago he had mocked such stars and their admirers, but he had not yet been a star himself at that time. Stardom corrupted.

Her eye fell on the poster and she winced. Everything combined made her drop both the pile of posters and the roll of tape, which of course had to roll and bounce down the stands to land somewhere on the pool deck. She could not continue without it, but she had little enthusiasm for going down to retrieve it. She collected the posters ever so slowly and then walked to the stairs. Sophia was just coming up. She held out the roll of tape. "Thanks," Anne murmured. "I was just on my way to get it."

"You don't look happy," Sophia observed. "Is it very hot up there? I haven't been there yet."

The heat would not explain all of the colour in her cheeks, but enough of it, she hoped. "It's…a bit warm."

"I'll help you. It'll give me a chance to have a look up there. I thought Mary was going to do this."

"She passed it on to me." Anne felt a bit weak for having to admit that.

"I'm sorry we have to have a fundraiser."

"I'm not taking it personally," Anne smiled quietly. The remark surprised her. "Though it is…er…and it's kind of you to realise that I'm related to the people who were the reason for needing it." Although everyone would tell her she was the exception, she could not forget the family connection.

"Why didn't you go with them?" Sophia wondered as they walked towards the next notice board. "Not that I want you gone. Just curious."

"I live with my mother, not with my father. And I'm not fast enough to be of interest these days." She said it without resentment. She would not have wanted to leave with them anyway.

Sophia looked surprised. "Do you still swim then?" She had not seen Anne swim with the group so far and she had assumed that Anne did not swim.

"Yes, but if I have to fill in for my mother I swim earlier. Just for myself because I enjoy it."

"Your mother? She's your mother? Lindy Russell, right? I didn't realise that was your mother. And you live with her?"

"Yes, I'm twenty-seven," Anne said wryly. "I know. But it's cheap. And she's never there anyway, so I really have a house to myself."

An hour later Anne could not escape Frederick. She had assumed he had left, but suddenly they were upon her just when she was coaching. Startled, she caught a glimpse of him before she looked down, away, everywhere but at him. Louisa had not been exaggerating. Anne, with a less excitable eye and constitution, primarily judged him against his appearance eight years ago. Compared to then he was certainly stronger and more tanned. His face, though, was the same, but the shocking conclusion was that he was nevertheless better looking than eight years ago. She had to look away when he did the same, but even in that brief glimpse Anne had seen he was indeed what someone of Louisa's calibre would call hot.

"And that's my sister Anne. She's my assistant team manager." Mary, at four years Anne's junior, was obviously pleased to say that.

"I heard," Frederick responded in a cool voice. Although he shook Anne's hand because it was expected of him, he no more tried to meet her eyes than she did. He only felt a quick, firm clasp and then she turned again to address a swimmer who had stopped.

He had not heard that Anne was coaching. There would be no escaping her, especially if Sophia he insisted that he coach as well. Why had he said yes? He knew why. He had nothing to do and he could not mention he wanted to avoid Anne. They would ask questions if he mentioned her and he was not ready to answer any, not even after eight years.

"I thought all the Elliots swam," Frederick said to one of the girls by his side as they walked away. He had not thought Anne would ever give up. She had loved it. He was surprised to find her roped into coaching now.

"Oh no, Anne gave up swimming years ago. She had a really bad year and never recovered."

It must have been after he left. She had not had any really bad years before that time. None that he knew of, at least. There had been bad competitions, but not bad years.

"And you can tell by how fat she's become."

Frederick frowned. "I've only seen her in a tracksuit so far, but she didn't strike me as fat." Her figure had struck him nevertheless. One of the reasons why he was convinced that he would no longer fancy Anne was that he was no longer attracted to thin and almost boyish figures and here was Anne, quite obviously no longer boyishly thin. Yet he could not be untruthful and allow someone to think her fat.

"Well, chubby then," said Henrietta. "But since she's nearing thirty, she should probably start thinking of having babies with someone. I don't know who, though."

"I don't think you two would really have met in the past," Louisa said confidently after she realised Frederick might also be nearing thirty. "Because you were really good and she was not."

Once that had been reversed, Frederick thought, but he did not correct her. "I probably wouldn't recognise people I may have met when I was nineteen. People change when they grow up."

"We asked if he remembered you from competitions in the past, but he said he did not recognise you." There was some relief in Henrietta's voice. She was glad that Frederick would not want to catch up with an old friend. "Isn't he totally dreamy?"

Although she felt a stab of pain at hearing Frederick said he did not recognise her, because she had seen that he had even if he had looked away instantly, Anne wondered what had happened to Charles Hayter. A day ago he was still dating Henrietta, or so Louisa had said. Somehow she suspected Charles had never been considered totally dreamy, the poor boy.

Louisa sighed. "Man! Now Frederick Wentworth is what I call a man. And he's totally not arrogant, you know. He's really nice."

He was so nice he did not recognise her. She knew what that meant. He wanted nothing to do with her.

But he had charmed everyone else. Everyone she passed seemed to be talking about him, from swimmers to parents. He was so charming and nice. She could not disagree, but it made the fact that he was so cold to her instead so very painful.

Chapter Three

Posted on Tuesday, 20 March 2007

In return for meals and a bed in his sister's house, Frederick had to be present at the early morning training sessions. Sophia could do it because she did not have a job, but James started work early and she preferred to go only when he could, she said. That left Frederick to do it, although he had always thought she had given up her job for a better reason.

After years of swimming at that hour himself, Frederick did it without complaining. Soon he found out that the fastest lanes had been left to fend for themselves under Walter Elliot. They had received a workout, but no personal attention. This explained how the man could be gone and yet not be missed.

For a moment he wondered why it could not continue in the same manner so he could discover the apparent joys of sleeping in, but Sophia had been adamant and she had a point. The children deserved to be coached properly. Contrary to what he had feared, they were not at all opposed to having a trainer.

That Anne was taking care of the slower lanes was something he must learn to deal with, but apart from saying hello when he arrived no other conversation was required. They could each be engrossed in their training group and his pupils certainly would not object.

The Musgrove girls were extremely eager to learn and work hard. They were almost exemplary students, although Frederick suspected this zeal was completely new and wholly related to him. But he gave them the benefit of the doubt and he gave them as much attention as he could. It was certainly more gratifying to work with them and the Hayter girls than it was with some of the boys in his group.

Often he went into the water himself after the practice to give them a visual example, because although everyone nodded intelligently when explained something, the intelligent technical terms he was using were hardly ever understood.

After such a demonstration he naturally needed a shower. He had always showered quickly to run to classes, but now that he was no longer in a hurry he did not mind hanging around in the common shower area talking to the swimmers. The hot water gave everyone a reason to stay and to check out the swimwear-clad opposite sex in more comfortable surroundings than during a hard swimming set and it was the perfect place to flirt and chat.

That the swimmers were impressed by every little thing he did, from casually leaning against the wall to picking up his bag, was something he did not really notice. He thought them amusing and a better way to spend his time than being bored at his sister's house.

Her brother's attitude had been a source of irritation to Sophia from the start, however. On the occasions that she had had the chance to observe him, she had increasingly come to notice one thing. "You simply exude availability."

"I do?" He had no idea what she meant, but her tone was dangerous.

"As if you don't know you're driving all those girls wild the way you strut around tying the cords of your swimming trunks, messing up your hair and showing your abs in the shower." She had come to the pool one morning to pick him up and she had had to order him out of the shower after having waited half an hour for him outside. He had of course been surrounded by adoring girls who giggled at everything he said.

"I'd really drive them wild if I didn't tie my cords and lost my trunks diving in," Frederick said sarcastically. He had not been pleased by his sister catching him striking poses and he tried his hardest not to look embarrassed.

"But is it your intention to make yourself available to any girl who's in for it?" Frankly, Sophia could not think of any who were not. They all gaped when Frederick walked by. He only had to beckon them and they would come. They were lucky not to have separate shower cubicles in the pool. If they had, one of Frederick's admirers would have dragged him into one already.

He gave her a challenging look. "Maybe it is."

"Surely your powers of discrimination have not been entirely washed away by the chlorine?" She was not looking forward to getting one of those teenagers for a sister-in-law.

"Anyone between fifteen and thirty may have me. I want a girlfriend. All those years of complete commitment to my sport have made me more eager than picky," he said with a shrug. He told himself he would be susceptible to anyone except Anne Elliot. Definitely not Anne.

"Right," his sister said doubtfully. She suspected he only came up with that to rile her, because it sounded like a rehearsed speech, but it was nevertheless a risky attitude.

"James, what if we get one of those silly girls as a sister-in-law?" Sophia complained to her husband. "He wants a girlfriend, he says. If he takes one of those girls, I'm not having any of their inane giggling in my house. I'm going to kick Frederick out instantly."

"It's no use talking to him," said James. "He's flattered out of his skull by that gaggle of girls drooling over him, but he'd be rather stupid to get involved with any of them."

"He wouldn't be the first stupid man in history. I really think he has no idea what he's getting himself into."

"He's twenty-seven."

"Exactly. None of these girls are over twenty."

"You weren't either," he pointed out. "But I agree with you, although I don't see what we could do about it. Someone who hasn't had time for girlfriends is bound to start with the ones who are least likely to put up resistance when he finally has the time. He won't have waited all that time to chase after a more selective girl for another year."

"James." Sophia looked disconcerted. "That is…"

"True?"

"No. I mean, do you think like that? When I was nineteen you seemed…" She had always thought he was selective. To hear him so easily explain an unselective man was a bit of a shock.

"I never met with resistance, so I suppose so."

"Oh, that is vile. I was never easy. How do we know he hasn't had time for girlfriends? He never told us about any, but he could have had some."

"I'm guessing he didn't have much time because he hasn't yet figured out where to look. Either that or, and you won't like this one, he knows all too well where to look for an easy score."

Anne thought she was the only one who saw the flattering attentions the girls paid to Frederick for what they were. Their parents were too flattered and impressed to think anything at all of their daughters' behaviour. She did not blame Frederick for being susceptible. Who would be able to withstand it? But terms such as the anaerobic threshold were completely wasted on his admirers and she believed they were predominantly interesting because they liked him, not because he liked them.

Frederick was certainly more talkative to the swimmers than to her, she discovered when she found him talking to a few children from her lane after she had stepped away for a few moments. "Sorry, this is your lane, of course," he said coldly and immediately retreated.

She must have looked a little hurt, because one of the little girls tried to console her. "I guess he'd be afraid you'd be angry," the girl whispered. "Because he's new."

While that could make her laugh, Frederick's coldness could not. There was no hope for improvement there. When he could ignore her, he did. When he could not, he was coldly polite. It was clear he wanted to leave the past behind him, reminding her it was gone, and it was equally clear they could never be friends again.

The realisation that she had waited eight years to discover that was a bitter one. She could have moved on. She could have got a job that kept her so busy she had no time for swimming pools. She could have met some man in the outside world and she would never have had to think of Frederick Wentworth again.

But now she had seen him again she knew why none of that had happened.

In the evening there was a small meeting of the swimming committee to discuss their finances and strategies. Anne had been asked to attend to act as a replacement for her mother, although she had at first not wanted to come -- the meeting was being held at the Crofts'.

She had spent the first part of the meeting absentmindedly listening and studying their living room. It was better than looking at Frederick. He happened to be seated beside her -- so he would not have to look at her, she assumed -- but she might look aside by accident.

"Mary, given that you are the team manager I thought you could put some ideas onto paper as to what we could do at a fundraiser other than the inevitable sponsor swimming," James said to Mary. He had looked around the table, but her function in the club had seemed most unclear to him. Mrs Musgrove came a good second, but he liked her better than Mary. The other women present, Sophia and Anne, already did too much to be given this task, whereas Frederick did not yet know the club.

"I have to organise it?" Mary said reluctantly.

"Well, if we leave it to me I'm going to auction Frederick off to the highest bidder. He won't mind, but I doubt his admirers have much money. We need to do something more substantial."

Frederick said nothing.

"My girls would love it, though," said Mrs Musgrove, who looked as if she would give her daughters some of her own savings for the purpose. "What would they get to do with Frederick?"

Anne had been scribbling some ideas on her notepad. She pushed the notebook towards James. The whole auction thing annoyed her slightly, if only because there were so many candidates willing to bid and he did not speak up in protest. Maybe they had already discussed this privately and there was nothing more to say?

She could not refrain from looking at Frederick to see what he thought of Mrs Musgrove, but he was looking studiously polite. He had to -- his sister was also studying him very closely.

"Oh, are you writing down ideas for dates with Frederick?" Mrs Musgrove cried excitedly.

"Yes." It was not the case, which James would see if he read her suggestions. She supposed Frederick could have read her notes if he had tried, but she had not checked if he was trying.

"Nothing too wild, if you please," Mrs Musgrove begged. "My girls were brought up well."

"Don't worry. Anne knows nothing about dates," Mary commented.

"Thank you, Anne," James snickered at what they must be thinking. "These are very helpful."

"Would you miss me if I went home? I have to get up at five," she said quietly.

They would. Not for the first time he thought they would be better off holding meetings without the two Musgrove women. He was glad they had persuaded Anne to come, although she had been very quiet so far. "Oh, of course. Do go."

"I'll see you out." Sophia got up with her. They walked into the hall together where Anne picked up her coat. "Thanks for coming."

"Sorry I have to go."

"That's all right. You have to get up early. We don't get up until six." Sophia waited a few seconds. "I'm sure you passed some good suggestions on to James that had nothing to do with auctions. Would you like to organise it all?"

"No," Anne said quickly. "I am not a good organiser. I can think it up, but I doubt I could carry it out. I cannot make people listen to me."

"Fair enough," said Sophia amiably, although she was not at all sure people would not listen to Anne. "When do you finish swimming tomorrow?"

"At half past four." That gave her half an hour to get dressed and eat something before coaching.

"We'll talk about it then, all right? We could do it, but we don't want people to think we're taking over everything."

Chapter Four

Posted on Saturday, 24 March 2007

Anne was curious for how long the meeting had gone on the preceding evening, but at six in the morning she could not ask anybody except Frederick. She told herself she was not curious enough to venture a question.

He was late, so people did not see his suit and tie until he was combing his hair in front of the mirrors near the exit after the training. Anne might not have been alerted to it, but the girls squealed so loudly that it drew her attention. Usually they showered for very long, but they were in a hurry today because, as she had already guessed, Frederick was not showering for long today either.

When she left the changing room, willing herself not to speed up, she saw what had caused the squeals. Not surprisingly, he looked as good in a suit as he did in swimwear. It might have looked foolish eight years ago as she had known him then, but not anymore. He had grown into it.

She was suddenly conscious of her jeans and sporty coat. She did not look at all if she had matured. He must have somewhere important to go, whereas she was merely going home. She liked going home, but at moments like these she wished she had progressed somewhat as well and that she looked as if she had a life and an interesting place to go.

Anne brushed past the squealing mass who were questioning Frederick as to where he was going in such an outfit.

"Job interview," he said.

She did not hear what else he had to say. It figured he could have a job interview a few days after coming back to the country. He would be like that. It would cost him no effort and they would all be pleased to hire him. Anne exhaled to get rid of that slightly bitter feeling. He was not to blame for the differences in their situations. She wished the girls would move aside to let her pass, but something else had caught their attention.

Although he looked good in a suit, Frederick had no clue about ties. This did not strike the girls as ironic as it did Anne and they were dying to help. Anne could not help watching. They knew no more than Frederick and their attempts were even worse than his. She could not bear to see it and in a gesture that was quite unlike herself, she pulled the tie out of someone's hands and knotted it properly. She gave it to him and walked away.

Frederick had received a phone call from a friend who asked him to come over if he had the time. He had said yes and he looked forward to catching up with his old friend after his job interview. Tom Harville had once been his roomie on training camps, but a persistent injury had put an end to his swimming career a few years ago. He had since then concentrated on other things, such as a wife and two children. Frederick was a little in awe of such a grown-up thing.

As he drove there in James' car, he thought about last night's meeting. They had insisted on Anne's attendance. He had wondered why until he had actually sat through the meeting. Mary and Mrs Musgrove needed to be part of things, but they were not useful. Everything would be arranged around them, but they would not see it. Every now and then, he believed, James would hold these useless meetings and then speak with a select group the day after. Mary and Mrs Musgrove would think Anne was some sort of honorary member, attending as a favour, but in reality it was of course the exact opposite.

Frederick wondered what would happen to Anne's attendance at the meetings when her mother returned. Anne's mother was one woman he did not wish to meet. It was a miracle she did not take her daughter with her on these business trips to prevent her from meeting anybody. As far as he could see Lindy Russell's interference had not brought Anne much good.

Although she knew about ties. She had walked away before he could thank her, but she had knotted it perfectly, making all the girls very jealous. He wondered where she had learnt.

"So where are you now?" Tom asked. "Kellynch, you said, but I don't know much about it. What is it like?"

Frederick did not really know what could be said. As with any club, it had its good and its bad points, but one thing was its most prominent feature. "It's the club of my ex."

"Sweetie!" Tom immediately called to the kitchen where his wife was getting some drinks for them. "Come quickly! It's Fred's mythical ex!"

"Oh, goody!" Fiona came running. "Where?"

"In conversation. Sorry. Not here."

"What do you mean, Fred's mythical ex?" Frederick inquired testily. His ex was not mythical. He simply did not like to mention her often. It should not be turned into a joke, because it was not funny.

After such a reaction it was easy to tease Frederick a little more. "Well, we've never seen him or her."

"What do you mean, him or her?" His voice rose in disbelief. "Do you think my ex is a bloke?"

"Well, you've never specified, so we've been keeping an open mind about it," Tom said with an easy smile.

"Right," said Fiona soothingly. "It wouldn't matter to us as long as you were happy. Er. Before you split, of course. But er, from your violent reaction I deduce it's not a bloke?"

"I can't believe you'd seriously consider the possibility!" Frederick was still incredulous. He had so many girls after him that he could not possibly be thought gay. He also never wore orange, yellow, or pink swimming trunks.

"All right, all right. Sorry. Your ex is a girl. Not mythical. At Kellynch," Tom said with a contrite look. "And her name is?"

He regretted that he had mentioned her. They were far too curious now. "That's not important. It's just the fact that she's there, you know. That complicates life."

Tom was serious and thoughtful now. "How long have I known you?"

Frederick suspected he was about to be told something sensible. It made him wary. "I don't know."

"Is this the same ex from the beginning of our acquaintance?" Frederick had moped about some ex back then, as if nobody else could have an ex and as if teenage exes were serious matters, although he had never wanted to give any details.

Frederick nodded.

"I got Fiona and two children in the meantime, so it must have been a while ago. And this ex still complicates your life? What does she do? Is she nasty?" Tom had never heard what had caused the separation.

"No. She doesn't do anything. She's just there."

"That's all?" Tom and Fiona shared a look.

Yes, that was indeed all, but it was much more complicated than if she were talking to him. She seemed to avoid him and he had no idea what was on her mind. "Don't make light of it."

"Oh, I won't. It's quite serious if you've lost your sense of humour over it. But Kellynch, hmm? No wonder you're the Elliots' favourite persona non grata. Tell me it wasn't Elizabeth." He shuddered. "You have better taste than that, I hope."

"No! Not Elizabeth. What do you mean, persona non grata?"

"Wally never struck me as your greatest fan."

"Wally?" He had always thought the man's nickname was Sir Walter, which described him better than Wally, although the latter perfectly conveyed Tom's respect for the man.

"I like him quite as much as you do. So, not Elizabeth, but another Elliot?" Tom inquired shrewdly. "Your ex being at Kellynch has to be connected to Wally's love for you. And it cannot be another girl at Kellynch, because he doesn't know there are any. He might only just realise he has another daughter."

"All right then, another daughter," Frederick said in a self-conscious mumble.

"I've never had enough interest in them to find out how many daughters they had. What happened? You had a short fling with an Elliot girl and you did something to make Wally dislike you."

"Yes, the -- it was not a fling. I wasn't fast enough for an Elliot girl."

Tom laughed heartily. "You're serious?"

"More or less. But I'd rather talk about something else."

Anne thought she would meet Sophia at half past four, but instead she saw her at three. They swam together and then sat down to have a drink. Anne had enjoyed swimming with someone closer to her own age, even if Sophia was slower. If they swam together more often, though, she did not doubt that Sophia would regain some speed.

"Last night you said you couldn't make people listen to you," Sophia began. "And that's why you didn't want to organise anything."

"Oh, don't tell me you want me to do it regardless," Anne said a little anxiously. She was a little suspicious of Sophia's cheerful and overly energetic mood. "Because it's really true."

"Is that the only reason? Or are you busy? You don't have a job if you can swim at this hour, do you?"

"Well, for whatever reason…I don't know…I've been really busy since I graduated. It's been keeping me here, but I don't know how much of it was actually my own doing, in that I was either unwilling to look elsewhere or unable to. I'm not proud of it, but…" Anne shrugged.

"Anne, it's my ideal life!"

"But you've had a job. Did you give it up so you could hang around pools doing things for other people?" Anne could not believe it and her tone was sceptic.

"More or less." She saw Anne's face and she laughed. "Well, obviously I didn't give up my job to watch soaps all day. I did mean to spend my time constructively and what would be better than some volunteering?"

"But you didn't just wake up one day and --" Anne gestured helplessly.

"I meant to give up my job after I had a baby, but then I didn't get pregnant, so actually I did wake up one day and decided to quit. I wanted to see what would happen if I did nothing."

"You're hardly doing nothing now," Anne had to point out. Sophia had spent rather a lot of time reorganising. If she called this nothing it was no wonder her body had not been cooperating. Perhaps she should do a little less.

"Compared to before, this really is nothing."

"Did it work?" Anne supposed it had not, or she would have been told.

"I don't know that yet. I should probably give myself a few months to adjust and I've done too many tests to want to do them at every little sign. Meanwhile, I still have plenty of time to organise things here, but my concern was that people might view us as intruders who suddenly come to upset everything."

"They wouldn't." Anne thought they would be glad that an active person had come along for a change.

"It's in people's natures to resent changes that are suddenly forced onto them. You haven't had any intruders or newcomers here for a long time, have you?" Not only the reception of Frederick had given her that idea.

"No, but this place is the definition of inertia. I'm not sure they're resistant to change, merely resistant to tackling it themselves. Or, I don't know, unable to. And they'd be incapable of listening to me, because they never have." She looked a little helpless. "You will have to tell them what to do."

Tom had asked Frederick to swim an upcoming competition in Lyme and although he was retired, he was not as retired as that. He could still swim races as long as they were not international championships.

Having a swim meet planned required some training, though, and instead of coaching a lane in the afternoon, he swam in it himself. It was not as pleasant as he would like. He was spoilt, of course. Instead of the boys, he got all the girls in his lane until he ordered them out. There was nothing wrong with girls, but they were too slow, yet they seemed to think he must be thrilled to have them there.

"Didn't you see they were in my way?" he asked James in irritation. His brother-in-law had probably not interfered on purpose. He would very likely have thought it amusing.

"I thought it wouldn't do you any harm. They said they were long distancers."

"They'd say whatever I'd say! Haven't you ever timed their laps? They collapse during anything longer than a hundred."

"Time their laps!" James chuckled. "I must not be such a dedicated coach as you are. What happened to swimmers timing their own laps? Didn't anybody ever explain how fast they swam if they left on the 50 and came in on the 17?"

Frederick went under and pushed off the wall. He had tried, but they had claimed confusion and forgetfulness. Seemingly they could not remember that they had left on the 30 if they came in on the 55 and they were always confused as to when they should start again if they had to start every minute and a half.

That James let them fend for themselves might mean they were not as forgetful and confused if he was coaching, which made Frederick feel rather foolish.

"Could you instruct the kids on proper behaviour one of these days?" James asked after dinner. He had just come off the phone with somebody, after which he had held a brief conversation with Sophia. "The swimmers, that is."

Frederick gave him a wry chuckle. Although he could not help himself, he was aware that his behaviour to Anne was not exemplary. He was hardly the right person to instruct others on how to behave. And lying on the couch as he was now was also not exemplary. "Me? Why?"

"Because we have somewhere to go and they'll take it better from you anyway."

"The other why. Why do they need it at all?" He thought of Louisa and Henrietta. They were no longer kids. Some of the boys were their age as well.

"This is a small country club. The only one who ever went anywhere was Elizabeth Elliot and I doubt she was a role model. They might not know some things we take for granted and Sophia and I have just decided some of them may swim in Lyme if they like. You're going to swim there, aren't you?"

"Yes, the Harvilles asked specifically."

"Well, it leaked out and the Musgroves asked us if we could enter the girls as well, because obviously they'd be thrilled to swim any competition you swam."

"And you don't want to travel with swimmers who won't behave." He almost groaned at having been the source of the information himself. They had asked him why he was training again and he had told them, not suspecting to what it might lead.

"Actually we thought you could supervise them there, given how well you get along with them. But Sophia thinks Henrietta might be up to something with Charles Hayter if she's away from parental supervision and she thinks that a warning wouldn't have much effect if it came from an adult."

"But from me, not being an adult…" Frederick said sarcastically. He was twenty-seven, for heaven's sake.

"Exactly."

"I'm twenty-seven."

"Oh, really? I never would have guessed. But seriously, you will know the exact arguments in favour of abstinence, I'm sure. Sophia and I don't. We'd feel hypocritical if we said anything about it, because we are married. But that does not apply to you."

"Henrietta is twenty." Frederick saw no reason to warn her against anything -- and if there was, it was not his job.

"I agree that is old enough to make up her own mind, but a swimming trip is for swimming and not to give sheltered girls a taste of adult life. Frederick, you know they'd believe you if you said it helped them to stand on their heads before a race. You have an influence on them that we don't have. They've never been to overnight meets, you see. They were never allowed to swim on Sundays. Their parents now think they'll go crazy."

Frederick was surprised it had been that bad around here. He would expect everyone to have gone to overnight meets by the time they were ten. "Their parents may be right, but the girls are not underage. Still, you want me to take the crap?" He did not want to be held responsible for any behaviour that would result from their upbringing.

"Yes, we have to go somewhere that weekend. We're convinced you can keep them in line, though."

"Because it suits you to think so," he muttered.

"If any of us spend time, effort and money to let these girls compete elsewhere, they should be motivated to swim well, not to run after boys because they don't have such opportunities at home," James lectured.

Frederick felt a little annoyed by being turned into a babysitter for girls who did not need one. "Why don't the Musgroves go there themselves to keep an eye on girls who aren't even underage?"

James smiled wryly. "They have ten children."

"I'll look out for swimmers under eighteen," Frederick said in determination. "Anyone over eighteen is responsible for his or her own life."

His own parents had died in an accident when he was eighteen and he had done pretty well for himself afterwards. Eighteen was old enough. Only Anne had known about some of his uncertainties. Only Anne. He did not want to think of her.

Still, girls of nineteen and twenty -- and boys -- were old enough to look after themselves. They did not need anybody to hold their hands. They should not allow such interference in their lives.

Chapter Five

Posted on Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Someone rang the bell just when Anne was trying to nap. She did not often indulge herself and when the bell rang she felt guilty for having given in to her fatigue. She checked who was at the door and then opened it.

"Do you always open the door like that?" blurted out Frederick, who took in her oversized shirt and bare legs.

"No." She looked at his suit and the tie in his hand. He gave it to her without speaking and she knotted it.

"Thank you."

He was gone very quickly and she closed the door, wondering if the little scene had truly happened.

Frederick pondered that it was not entirely fair and honest of him to override his principles, to seek out Anne when he had been avoiding her all this while, simply because he had not known anyone else in town who might be able to help with his tie. He could have told her that, but instead he had come up with his ridiculous question. Did she always open the door looking like that?

He wondered why he had asked. It was quite obviously Anne's decision to open her door dressed like that and it was not his place to ask, yet perhaps it would have pleased him to hear she would only do it if he was at the door, but her answer had not gone that far. She had simply said no.

She might think it was unnecessary to dress up for him. He had known her once. In fact, he still knew her. From that point of view it was indeed nonsense to dress up. She must have seen it was him. He reasoned like that for a while longer and then wondered why he was doing so.

Why did he care? Sleepy, undressed Anne was rather attractive, but he should not think of that. He should focus on her very curt answer, which had not invited conversation. And focus on her taking naps in the middle of the morning. Did she not have anything useful to do?

Frederick suspected he would be nagged to hold his lecture until he did, so he had best do it the next time he was in the pool. He had thought about it, but James might have a point. Almost everybody here was rather ignorant of the most basic of basics, something he blamed on Walter Elliot's complete disregard for anyone other than his daughter Elizabeth. He could not expect teenagers to educate themselves by reading books about coaching. A coach would be their sole source of information.

He gathered the older swimmers together before their early morning training session and explained that an upcoming competition was the reason for his speech. The girls -- the instigators, he suspected -- giggled in excitement. They would, of course, become fast by associating with him and swimming at the same swim meet.

"You should always focus on your swimming. So, before a swim meet, no alcohol, no drugs, no sex…" Frederick spoke slowly, drawling the words out for the effect it had on his captivated audience. He was delighted to see their faces and to hear their squeals. The girls, of course. The boys were less impressed. Or rather, they were impressed with him as a fast swimmer, not as a person.

He did not feel too bad about himself for teasing them a little. If they ever wanted to be any good, there were certain things they had best not show any interest in. His manner might differ from that of other coaches, he reasoned, but his message did not. But it was good that James and Sophia were never there in the morning and that Anne was busy with her own lanes. They might say something otherwise.

"Is that all bad?" Henrietta asked breathlessly.

He had always thought that everyone knew it was, even if not all were strong enough to live by it. She was twenty; she ought to know. "Yes, it's all bad."

"Have you tried it out yourself?" inquired Louisa. She clearly hoped for naughty revelations.

That was a question he had not expected. "Not all."

"Which ones?"

He feigned incomprehension. "Which ones what?"

"Oh, which ones did you try?" she cried impatiently.

He laughed. "Why don't you guess? Now, let's move on to behaviour at the swim meet. Do I need to explain what you need to bring?"

"I saw you on television with a parka," said one of the boys. "But we don't have one."

"You don't need a parka," Frederick said patiently. They really did not need to wear everything he had worn on occasion. "However, if they give you one you might as well wear it. If it's cold somewhere there'd be more reason for it."

As he could have foreseen, but he had not, the girls would not let the matter of the forbidden activities rest. Louisa had always been the more impertinent one and she was the first to bring it up again. Even if Henrietta was less likely to want to do anything with Charles Hayter at the moment, Louisa was still thinking about the matter. She told Frederick about it as they hung around in the showers after training. "My parents wouldn't approve, you know, especially if he had such a thing in mind. They're very old-fashioned."

"Really?" Frederick said politely.

"I'd never let my parents influence my choice of boyfriend, though."

That was something on which he had an opinion, even if Henrietta and Charles left him rather cold. "Quite right. You shouldn't," he said empathically. Parents had nothing to do with somebody's choice of boyfriend. "You are old enough to make your own decisions."

Louisa felt strengthened by his agreement. "My parents really approve of Charles, maybe more so than Henrietta does, because his parents go to the same church."

Frederick was a bit mystified by that, because Charles might well be an axe murderer regardless. "But they don't approve of him enough to condone sleeping over?"

"No, of course not and Henrietta wouldn't tell them about it. If you invited a girl over, what would you have in mind?" She leant against the wall, all interest and encouragement.

"That would depend on the girl. Do you want to know what Charles has in mind?" From her curious look he was not exactly sure she wanted to know about Charles or him. He was not eager to commit himself to a precise answer.

"Yes."

"It would still depend on the girl."

"The girl is Henrietta. Mary went along with everything, but Anne didn't, so I don't know what Henrietta would do. Something between the two extremes?"

"That Charles," Frederick quipped, but he was a little shocked at the mention of Anne. He wished Louisa were better at telling a story. Obviously some crucial details were being left out. What had Anne done with Charles? He was about twenty. That was much too young for her. "He gets around."

"Um, it was Charles my brother who fancied Anne," Louisa corrected. "Not Charles Hayter. Anyway, my brother then went after Mary, who was much easier, but when my parents found out she got pregnant, they forced them to get married. I told you they were old-fashioned."

"And Anne was not as easy," he said with a cough. Something was stuck in his throat.

"Oh, Anne will die a virgin," Louisa said dismissively. "She told me so herself. But about Charles? What do you think?"

Frederick was not instantly capable of answering. "I don't know," he said eventually.

"So," Louisa continued when she pushed the shower button for another run. "Which of the three bad things did you do before a competition?"

"My coach would never have allowed me to do any of them." As he spoke, he realised that he had resented Anne for listening to her coach. If he had met Anne while he was swimming under his last coach, he would have been told to break it off as well. It was not a pleasant realisation. Would he have listened? Had his ambitions come before or after Anne?

"If he'd known!" she cried eagerly.

"If he'd known," he agreed, although he did not agree with Louisa's instant assumption that he would also keep these matters a secret to avoid trouble. He did not like secrecy and neither did he understand the need for it.

"So you were lying?"

"Winding you up, certainly." He received the impression that her little introduction had not been about Henrietta at all. She might have wanted to know about him all along. Why?

"So sleeping with a girl wasn't bad for your swimming at all," she stated in a low voice.

He wondered how she could draw that conclusion based on what he had said. "We didn't establish that I've ever slept with a girl."

"Oh, you must have. How many?"

"I've never had a girlfriend," he said for the benefit of the passing Anne. She gave him a strange, piercing look. It was quite unlike Anne and he felt that the satisfaction he had been aiming for was not something to be proud of.

"But still you could have slept with some," Louisa pressed.

"Oh, like that. Well, I won't tell you how many."

"Why not?"

"You'd tell my sister and she'd feed me a Brussels sprout for each girl." He smiled mysteriously at her and picked his bag off the floor to get dressed.

Henrietta's question was more serious. She approached him rather shyly and cleared her throat a few times. "Is it really bad? You know, like, you know…the night before a race?"

"Try it out. You should be old enough to make up your own mind and not let a coach decide for you. You'll find out soon enough if you feel it the next day." Frederick now thought his warnings had been solely to draw an interesting reaction, although he had not realised it at the time. He found he did not care for swimmers who listened to their coaches too much.

"Really?" She gave him an incredulous and uncertain look.

Her look made him think that as a coach he should stick to what he had said earlier, or else he would be considered very odd. "No. You should focus on your swimming. You shouldn't be focusing on your boyfriend, or worse, on getting one. That is the problem, not the actual…you know. I think."

He realised again that he was probably saying exactly what someone had been saying to Anne eight years ago. He hated himself for having to say it and the conclusions he must draw. Anne might not have been wrong to listen. He might have been wrong himself.

Henrietta looked a little afraid of the anger he could not quite conceal.

"I'm sorry. What do I know? Don't ask me," Frederick said curtly and he walked away.

Someone had told Anne not to fool around with a boyfriend at swim meets and she had listened. He had always only imagined himself in the role of boyfriend, but now that he had to imagine himself in the role of coach, the whole situation looked so different -- and he was not even imagining himself in Anne's place yet. How could he not have seen the bigger picture eight years ago?

There might have been ways around the prohibitions of Anne's coaches and parents. There would have been, but he had never allowed Anne to try. His pride had been hurt and he had run. Instantly.

What if her parents would not have objected to him seeing Anne on weekdays? He had only ever seen her at swim meets. How could he have been so stupid? Yes, she had listened, but he had definitely not tried very hard to argue with her. He had always thought her weak, but he had been weak as well.

For a while such thoughts plagued him and then he came to wonder about the current situation. He could not very well walk up to her and offer his apologies. What did she think of him now? Probably not very well, given how he had been behaving towards her. Perhaps he should first try to behave a little better and then see how she behaved in return.

He did not love her anymore, but he could at least be civil.

Chapter Six

Posted on Monday, 2 April 2007

Frederick had spent most of the day online because he saw very little of his sister, yet he was not engrossed enough in his MSN windows -- Henrietta and Louisa, one of whom was skipping class -- not to notice that Sophia left the house early. "Where are you going?"

"Swimming with Anne," she called over her shoulder. She was practically out of the house already.

"Wait! Swimming? With Anne?" He ran into the hall because he had too many questions. "Why?"

"Er…why?" She stared at him. "Why not?"

He gave her a stupid answer. "I…didn't know she could swim."

"Of course she can swim. I can't keep up with her."

Yes, of course she could swim. Even he knew that, but that was not what he had meant. "But why now?" That was not exactly what he meant either, but it slowly came closer although he never quite got there where questions involving Anne were concerned.

"Why now? Well, because she has to coach later. I had promised her she could stop coaching because you were going to do it, but now you have to swim yourself, so…" Sophia shrugged. "But I think she prefers to go alone or with me anyway."

"I'd prefer that too, I think." He thought of the girls crowding his lane and staring at him under water. Going alone might indeed be preferable.

"Come, then."

That was too much. He would need a little preparation before he could start swimming with Anne. Maybe he would never manage. "Another time."

Anne had dwelt too long on that one line she had heard. He had never had a girlfriend. For hours she had only thought of how he must be wanting to forget her, to the point of denying that he had once had serious plans with her. And he had wanted her to hear him. He had looked straight at her when he had spoken the words and he had not missed his mark. He would be satisfied if he heard that she had wanted to cry. But, as she had told herself sternly after a few hours, she had suffered worse and come through. After this she had fared a little better.

Still, there was more to his words than the mere denial of their relationship. He had never had a girlfriend? Although she knew his statement was far from true, could it be half true?

If he had spoken with the intention to hurt her, he could easily have owned up to two dozen girlfriends after her, reducing her significance to nil. But he had not spoken of two dozen. He had spoken of never having had one. She did not know whether she could believe that, but he had said it. Even if he wanted to forget about one girlfriend, there was no need to forget about all of them.

Anne could not see any advantages in lying about this matter to Louisa, who would not be impressed by his not having had any girlfriends. What impressed Louisa, she hoped, was clear to everybody including Frederick. He certainly seemed to be successful at charming her so far. Why, if he was busy impressing Louisa, would he undo his efforts by a barb directed at Anne?

Louisa would not have let such a comment pass. She would have questioned him, disbelieving, because how could such a hot man not have had any girlfriends? Anne could imagine it vividly. It was really not difficult to get into Louisa's mind.

At long last Anne told herself to give up these thoughts. She would never know what he had wanted to convey and what he had wanted to conceal.

Sophia sighed when she and Anne were changing into their swimwear. "Why does Frederick think you cannot swim? He was surprised I was going with you. I didn't know she could swim, he said."

"Because he hasn't seen me swim so far? I don't know." He knew she could swim once and it was a skill one never lost. He had probably meant that he did not know she was still doing it.

By the time Frederick arrived at the pool, he could no longer see Anne swim, although he caught a good glimpse of her coming out of the water. Of course she could still swim. There was nothing wrong with her.

He looked away when she passed him, but she looked away too and he could not start being civil. He had not really known how to start, but he had wanted to let that depend on her behaviour. If she walked past without looking, he could not call out and say hi. He had done that once and she had looked back then, but that was long ago. Things had changed.

When Frederick finally exited the changing rooms after training, it was raining heavily and the swimmers who had come on their bicycles were huddled together near the front door. Only the lucky ones who were picked up by car ventured out to make a dash for it.

Anne, in a white cotton dress, was shivering on the edge of the group. She would not usually wait for the weather to clear up because it never did, but her white dress made her hesitant now. She saw Frederick approach and she saw Louisa walk towards him instantly, but she looked away as if the rain was more interesting. If he had come by car, he would be driving Louisa home. Only she had not paid enough attention to know if he ever came by car. He always spent so much time in the showers that she must be home by the time he left the pool.

A car pulled up in front. Sophia made her way towards the door. "Is there anyone who'd like a lift in our direction? We have one spot."

There were plenty of people who might like a ride, but not all by themselves and consequently nobody stepped forward. Louisa and Henrietta looked more interested in Frederick and Charles Hayter, respectively.

Frederick was determined to put his new resolutions into practice. He pulled his sister's arm and spoke to her softly. "You might want to take Anne before she causes a traffic accident."

She turned and observed Anne's white dress. Traffic accident indeed. "Anne! You need a lift. Come along."

Anne looked startled and she was given no immediate opportunity to recover, because Frederick dragged her along towards the Crofts' car, holding something over her head so she did not get too wet. Before she knew it, she was in the car and they were driving off while Frederick ran back inside.

She needed some time to recover from all these sensations and to analyse the situation properly. It was Frederick who had arranged this for her, Frederick who had seen her dress -- or so she assumed -- and who had wanted to spare her the discomfort of cycling around in transparent clothes, Frederick who had accompanied her to the car so she did not get wet, Frederick who had pushed her in.

That he had not spoken was trivial. He might not have used words, but he had used actions. She leant back and let the kindness of his actions warm her. It might be nothing. He might hardly have thought about it, but she felt it deeply.

Only slowly she began to be aware of the conversation in the car, even though Sophia was in the backseat beside her because of a large package in the front seat.

"Did he have something better to do that he didn't want a lift from us?" James asked.

"He didn't say."

"It's the girls. Has he made his move yet? What is taking him so long? Either you know or you don't. I knew. It never took me that much time."

"That might be because a few days ago you called me easy," Sophia said dryly.

He gave her a good-natured grin through the rear view mirror. "Your words, not mine. How long was it until you moved into my room?"

"Long enough to know what I was dealing with. Anne would think us irresponsible if we told her the number of days. But you know, Anne, we've been together for fifteen years now, so it sounds worse than it was." She laughed.

"Fifteen?" Anne repeated with some surprise. Although she knew they had already been together eight years ago -- at least, Sophia had been with someone -- they could not have been very old then. "How old -- I mean, young -- were you?"

"Nineteen. And when I was nineteen, James was -- would you mind if I told her, darling?" She laughed again.

"I was a few days away from turning nineteen," he replied. "And when we got married she was twenty-four and I was a few days away from turning twenty-four. I married an older woman."

"I get teased whenever I hit the next decade and he doesn't," Sophia complained good-humouredly. "But of course I didn't know that when I moved in with him."

Anne listened with a wistful smile. If she had been strong when she was nineteen, she could have been saying similar things right now. She would not have to hear Frederick say he had never had a girlfriend, but they might have these good-natured exchanges instead.

"Tell me again why we needed to take Anne," said James when they had dropped her off at home. There had been no Frederick to guide her to the door this time, but she was home and would be able to change her wet clothes immediately.

"I never told you. Why do you think there is anything to tell?"

"What did Frederick have to do with it?" He was curious about Frederick's moves at the pool, considering that he had expected Sophia's brother to come home with them. He could easily have left the bike at the pool.

"He thought Anne might be causing traffic accidents, presumably if she rode her bike in a wet, white and thus transparent dress," Sophia said solemnly.

"Seriously?" He suppressed a snicker.

"I think so. Well, that was his reasoning, so I assume his fear was serious."

He tried imagine Anne in such a situation. "Hmm. Would Frederick himself feel prone to causing traffic accidents if he saw her in that dress? Frederick and Anne. Hmm. Well, she would be better looking than the other girls in a transparent dress."

"Seriously?"

"You would be the most stunning and breathtaking woman who ever rode a bike in a wet dress, but Anne might be second -- at a very large distance from you, naturally," he said with another grin in the rear view mirror.

"Thank you. Your loyalty is touching. So why is he running after the young girls if he'd like the older one better?"

"Anne is not exactly a flirt," James mused. "It might take rather long to find out if she liked you." Especially if there were a few who did not hide their preferences at all. A more sensible girl would take a step back, he supposed, although if he thought about it, he had never even seem them interact at all. Very odd.

"It did not take you very long to find out I liked you," Sophia protested indignantly. She was not exactly a flirt either.

"Your moving into my room gave me some clues."

Anne threw herself onto the couch when she got home. She was incapable of action, although her hair was wet, her stomach growled and she ought to be making dinner. At long last she heaved herself off the couch. If she needed this long to recover from a simple act of kindness, how would she react to him saying he loved her? He would not do that, but given her emotional instability it was all too good that he would not.

How could she possibly have mocked Louisa and Henrietta in her mind? She was years older and just as bad. She was disproportionately hurt or overjoyed by anything he did or said.

When I Was Nineteen ~ Section II

By Lise

Beginning, Section II, Next Section

Chapter Seven

Posted on Friday, 6 April 2007

"I must go to Lyme, of course," Mary had said on Saturday morning, but then she realised she might have to do too much there and she had paused to think. "But I think Anne should come as well. She might learn something from how you coach and swim, Frederick."

He glanced at Anne, but she suffered such a comment from her younger sister imperturbably. She must be used to it. Frankly, he found himself glad that Anne was forced to come. Mary would drive him up the wall and he doubted that she would let him and Charles go anywhere together. Maybe if she had Anne she would not insist on following them around. Charles was not bad. He rather liked him. Mary was a pain, though. It made him wonder why Anne had not wanted Charles and why Charles had transferred his attentions to her sister instead.

He should really start working soon, he thought. Then James and Sophia could not force him to go on such trips when they had better things to do. He wondered about Anne. How could she go so easily? Since Mary did not look as if she was about to walk away, he could not ask her and he would have to speak to Anne herself. "Can you get the Friday off work?"

She looked surprised to be addressed and reluctant to answer. She had not wanted to be part of this meeting, but they insisting on holding it right where she was standing. "I don't work."

"Why not?"

Anne blushed. The family had made demands on her, voiced and unvoiced, and she had never really got around to looking for a job after she had graduated the year before. It must seem strange and she contemplated saying she had been very busy and that her mother supported her anyway. He would not like to hear about her mother, so she did not say it. It was hardly the sort of life that would impress people who had managed a successful swimming career alongside their studies and she felt embarrassed to reveal it.

"Maybe she has also been trying to get pregnant?" Sophia cut in. He did not yet know about her, but he never would if he listened to only half of what she was saying. By the way he did not even look at her she suspected he had missed the word also, yet he had questioned her a few days ago as to why she had quit her job. He seemed to have forgotten that he had not received a proper answer yet, but he had been too self-absorbed for her to give him one.

"Pregnant?" he asked sharply. He wanted to ask some more, but he did not know what and Anne had turned away. This left him a bit confused. By whom was she trying to get pregnant? Neither Sophia nor Anne looked inclined to enlighten him.

Sophia saw he was still looking mainly at Anne and she shrugged. She had expected the girl to say she was not the one, but none of that had happened. Anne allowed everyone to talk about her within her hearing and she had simply looked away, making Frederick now anxiously clueless. Sophia was surprisingly content with that state of affairs. James might have been right. She left them to it and walked away to pile up the kickboards.

"I'll have to get a babysitter for the boys now that Anne is coming," Mary said. She sounded almost resentful that Anne could not split herself in two, even if she wanted to take Anne along herself.

A babysitter. That would explain part of what had kept Anne busy, Frederick supposed. Perhaps the one trying to get pregnant was Mary. Yes, that would make more sense. And Mary had Anne lined up as her babysitter, which was why she had no job. He had to admit he liked that better than Anne trying to get pregnant by some nobody. It was petty of him, he knew. He could easily have returned to find it was Anne who had two children with Charles.

Anne turned back. "Are you sure we need to be four adults to two swimmers? This sort of thing is what got us into financial trouble in the first place."

"I must go," Mary said immediately. She never wanted any trips to pass her by. "And you don't want to send Frederick there with two girls, do you?"

"We don't live in the nineteenth century anymore," Anne said in a quiet tone. Frederick was not going to be stopped by somebody else's presence if there was anything he wanted to do with the girls. He flirted quite openly with them in the showers. It would make no difference if Mary came along. If anything, he might be driven towards the girls to escape her. He did not like Mary much.

"The boys are coming too," Frederick commented. Why else had he needed to warn the kids?

"They're not talented enough," Mary replied. "Why?"

"It's not the team manager who decides which swimmers are entered for which competition," he told her, feeling annoyed by her comment. She had no eye for talent and she had no authority to decide anything at all. "Your job, I assume, is to book a hotel if we need one."

And not even that, Anne thought. "I did that." She bit her lip. She had acted on Mary's information, which now turned out to be wrong. "But I did not book for more than five people, because Mary said that --"

"So we can't take the boys," Mary said hurriedly to cover up her own negligence. "We didn't book rooms for them."

"Well, if you don't succeed in booking some extra rooms, it seems logical to me that you and Charles can't go," Frederick decided. He could speak with such determination, since Sophia had wandered off, James was swimming and he doubted that she or James were going to disagree with him anyway. Why was he not surprised that Mary had left it to Anne to book? "Since you two aren't swimming and the boys have already been entered."

"But Charles is an official and I -- Anne isn't swimming either." Mary looked towards her sister. In spite of just having said that Anne must come, she felt no qualms about leaving her at home if that suited her better.

"She is," said Frederick.

"I am?" This was news to her. She had silently been listening to their exchange, knowing without a doubt that Frederick was going to come out victorious. "What? Who did that?"

"Anne hasn't swum a race in years," said Mary in contempt.

"Weeks," Anne whispered.

"Yes, but that was probably something for old people, so that doesn't count. This one is --"

"-- for old people," Frederick cut in. He was swimming too.

"Give me the list of swimmers," Anne said in Frederick's direction without looking at him. His support made her feel a little unsteady. She wondered who had put her on the list. "I'll book an extra room."

"Only one?" Mary inquired. "And who will you share with?"

She did not know. She had booked three rooms according to Mary's directions, but that was before she had heard she was going. If she shared with Mary, Charles could share with Frederick. Only one extra room would be needed for the boys, unless there were more than two boys going. She went over the possible candidates in her mind.

Frederick was quicker to answer. "Oh, she can share with me. That won't be a problem. We don't live in the nineteenth century anymore."

Mary stalked off angrily when he laughed at her expression. Anne was not laughing, he noticed. She was frowning. "I'm sorry," he said when he realised he had been a bit hasty, vexing Mary at the expense of Anne. "Are they separate beds?"

"Yes."

"Then it won't be a problem, will it?" He could always share with Charles Musgrove if there was any problem. As long as there were two separate beds in the room, of course.

She did not want to think about that yet. "Who put me on the list?"

"I just did." He had not written it down yet, but he would, if she gave him a pen.

"But…you can't…enter…a swimmer…after the closing date." Anne wondered why she had trouble speaking.

Frederick had no idea about closing dates. He did, however, know the people organising the meet. "But they know me there," he said confidently.

Not having anything to do on a Saturday had put Frederick in a foul mood. He was stretched out on the couch zapping past television channels without stopping long enough to see what was on. It was all rubbish anyway. What he would really like was for James to finish unpacking that box so he could use the phone in peace.

Frederick had contemplated getting James to ring Tom Harville to enter Anne. However, the chance that Tom would make comments about his mythical ex was too large and he had settled for suffering such comments himself. That would be better than having it all leaked out. But first James had to go away and he was showing no signs of doing that. He was not even halfway through the box.

Frederick wished he could zap James away as well. "Why didn't you throw that stuff away before you moved?"

"Because I have more time to sort through it now," James answered.

"Why now? It's not in anybody's way in the spare room." That room was full of things that had not yet found a place elsewhere. As far as Frederick was concerned, the box should remain there, being the most annoying box of all. It was full of small rubbish.

"Not yet. We have plans with that room, though."

"Such as?"

"Nothing definite, but that's why I'm starting with the smallest things. It would tempt fate to start out big."

Frederick looked mystified. "Tempt fate? What spiritual nonsense is that? I don't know what you're talking about."

"I didn't expect you to know. How's the girlfriend hunt going?"

"Girlfriend hunt?" asked Frederick, as if he had never said he was looking for one. "Oh, that. I don't seem to have one yet." He would not be lying here if he did.

"Why don't you go out then to meet girls?" They would certainly not come looking for him here. He hoped not, at any rate.

"I don't like girls who go out."

James raised his head at that peculiar comment. "I'm sorry?"

His brother-in-law was bound to come up with a long list of nice girls who went out, but that was not what he meant. They might indeed be nice for all he cared, but their lifestyles were not compatible. "They're not my type."

"You want a girl who spends her Saturdays watching television," James said provocatively. Frederick had first implied he did not have a type, but now he did. Very interesting.

He felt unbelievably cranky. "Please. I'm just not used to not having anything to do. Nothing to tire me physically."

"Girlfriends don't either. Unless they want babies," James reflected. He waited a few seconds, but Frederick did not bite. "But if you want some good physical exercise you'd better go swimming. Why didn't you go with Sophia?"

"Sophia went with Anne. I didn't want to intrude."

James laughed heartily at that. "Yes, I bet they're talking about you."

As it was, Anne had indeed brought up Frederick, but she had waited until after swimming to do so. She had thought about doing it as she swam her laps, trying out different innocent ways to start a conversation, but it had been difficult. "Did you hear how the thing about Lyme ended this morning?"

"No, I forgot all about it. Tell me. Mary wanted you to come. You'd be of more use than Mary. I wonder why she wanted to go in the first place, but as long as everybody pays their own way it's not going to be such a problem."

"Is that a new rule?" The club had always paid the expenses of the coaches and other staff. She was relieved to hear it had been changed, because she had never agreed with it.

"Yes and Charles is definitely aware of it, though Mary may not be," Sophia said cheerfully. It was one of the first ridiculous things she had changed. "I know they went everywhere for free in the past, but that is over. Has she persuaded you to come?"

"It seems I've been manipulated," Anne said with a grave look. "Not only was I asked to book the hotel rooms, but I didn't know about the new rule and neither did they, so the argument that stemmed from that discussion landed me in a situation that I…" she shrugged.

"Explain."

"Well, I'm now swimming at the competition, though I don't know what, and I have to share my room with…Frederick." She decided she had best treat it humorously. What else could she do? Sharing a room with him was something she could not imagine at the moment.

Chapter Eight

Posted on Monday, 9 April 2007

"With Frederick?" Sophia asked after she had finished gaping. "After we asked him to lecture the swimmers, he's going to set them a good example by sleeping with a girl himself?"

"I don't think he'll do that," Anne remarked very calmly. She believed he had had spoken in haste, with the sole intention to annoy Mary. He would soon wake up and realise what he had said, after which he would try to get Anne out of his room. Or, if she stayed, he would not speak to her.

"He's ready to burst, you must be experienced at your age and you never say no," Sophia blurted out in her surprise. She turned red when she realised what she had said. "I didn't mean to insult you."

Anne rarely felt insulted. "You didn't. At least two of the things you listed are true. I have my doubts about the third."

Sophia decided that Frederick was definitely ready to burst, Anne could not have doubts about her experience, so only one thing remained. "You do say no?"

Anne giggled at the incredulity. "No, I doubt he's ready to burst. Really. Maybe it's your sisterly concern, inspired by a certain…er…annoyance at his attitude. Now, if he were really ready to burst I'd be in danger -- or in luck, depending on whose point of view we're taking -- because I'm so easy."

That could be said calmly, because it was true. She realised it would take very little effort for Frederick to seduce her. Very little. The only thing that could possibly hold her back was the knowledge he would not be doing it out of love, yet she feared she would be so stupid as to take the risk regardless. She was truly no better than the younger girls.

But eight years ago she had not been in love with him because of his hotness. He had been good-looking then, although he was better-looking now, but it had been other qualities that had attracted her. He had been intelligent, funny and kind, although perhaps more sensitive and immature than she in her own youthful immaturity had been able to see. She was older now. He also ought to know she was older. In some ways she was more mature as wellbut perhaps not when it came to feeling foolish over a handsome young man whose other characteristics she had not forgotten.

Anne's eye roll nearly killed her, but Sophia was not convinced -- not of Anne's easiness, at any rate, though she was of Frederick's. "He practically told me he had only one thing on his mind!"

"Yes, but I can well see him say so to annoy you, just like he did with Mary," Anne reasoned. She really wanted to believe that had been his only motivation. It would save her the humiliation of being used. "And he did annoy you, didn't he?"

"Yes, he did."

"There you have it." She was safe from Frederick.

"Well, whatever you do with Frederick is all fine with me, as long as you don't get pregnant before I do." Perhaps she was the one who had only one thing on her mind.

Anne knew that was a little more serious than it sounded. It would indeed be painful for Sophia if some random encounter of her brother's led to a pregnancy. "I'm in no danger of doing anything with Frederick. How are things?"

"I've booked up a weekend away when you all go to Lyme to thank James for putting up with my procreational urges -- and of course because it's our tenth and fifteenth anniversary. They fall on the same day."

"For putting up with them? Is he getting fed up?" She felt sorry for both of them.

"You could say that. Poor James," Sophia said feelingly. "It's been difficult to go about it with Frederick in the house, so the only possibility was to get up half an hour earlier in the morning when Frederick is at the pool. But every day -- I'm getting sick and tired of it myself. Very tired."

"Have you done a test yet?" She should have studied Sophia in her swimwear, but she had not thought of it. Even if she had, she would not know when things became visible.

"No." Sophia sighed. "I'm afraid I'd jinx it."

"Oh. How could you have two anniversaries on the same day?" Anne asked to change the subject. She did not want to jinx things either.

"Well, we planned our wedding on the fifth anniversary of our first kiss. Because we had a very private wedding and really only because it would be easier to work abroad together if we were married, we picked the date to have something special about it at least. Married or not, it was all the same to me, but it mattered rather a lot where we went."

"Did you both find a job abroad?" Anne would love for life to be so easy. It was difficult enough to find a job at home, but of course it would matter what they had studied. They probably had marketable degrees.

"We always only applied when they were offering several positions at once, so we could go together. We had the same degree."

"Is that how you met?" Anne was interested because they had also been nineteen when they had got together, yet it had worked out differently for them. Of course it was no use hearing how it could have gone differently; there was nothing she could change about the past.

"Sort of. I knew he was with the other swimming club in town and he always sat on the other end of the first row, but he never spoke to me at university. Men," she said affectionately. "He first spoke to me when he came to a large party in my house. He said he had to leave because he had to get up early. I answered that I had to do that too, but that I couldn't sleep because of the party, so he invited me to his house."

"And that was that," Anne concluded.

"No, not yet. I slept on the floor, but he sat next to me at the next lecture instead of at the other end of the row. The professor even made a comment on it. 'Do we have a couple in the making?' Very awful." She remembered how embarrassing it had been, but she could only smile at it now.

Anne laughed. "Why did he never speak to you before?"

"You need to be careful with men who don't speak to you," Sophia instructed. "Especially if there is nothing wrong with you, everyone speaks to you and they speak to everyone."

Frederick did not speak to her, but that was for different reasons. Anne did not think he was secretly in love with her, or whatever James' reason had been for not speaking to Sophia.

"And you?" asked Sophia.

Anne was startled. "And me? There's not much to tell about me."

Sophia noticed an instant retreat. She tried to push on a little. "Do you have a boyfriend outside of swimming?"

Anne blushed. "No, I'd never. They wouldn't get it. But I don't have one at all right now, so you don't have to ask. I don't have much of anything right now, really," she realised, but she smiled to show it did not bother her.

Because James had gone upstairs, Frederick had seized the telephone to ring Tom about the swim meet in Lyme. He kept his voice low.

"Anne Elliot," Tom merely said in a mysterious tone. "I'm sure we have a lane for her. But I thought your sister was my contact. This is not happening without her consent, is it?"

"Tom! Sophia is out."

Tom snickered. "That's what I mean. All right. I'll add Anne Elliot. Which events?"

"Er…" It was not too difficult to remember Anne's favourite events, although he did not know whether she still liked them. She probably did not train as much as she used to. Still, he did not know what else she would like. "All the 200 and 400 metres."

"Why do I feel as if the girl has no idea you're signing her up for all the hard events? Do you have some hard feelings towards this ex or something?"

"I'm leaving the 800 off," said Frederick, as if that made him enormously kind. He wondered about his feelings. Perhaps it was more that he wished they were hard than that they were.

"Entry times?"

He really had no clue about those and he realised he should have prepared himself better before he made the call. "Er…can't you google them?"

"Because you're my friend, I can indeed google her times. And her photo. And her other details."

"Well, do as you like. It's nothing but an ex anyway," Frederick said haughtily. The implication that there was something he was hiding was rather bothersome. He knew Tom would not find much if he googled. There would certainly not be anything in connection to him.

He had to think about his words after he had hung up, however. She was not nothing but an ex; she was the only girl he had ever loved. He should be over her by now, though.

"I adore Anne," Sophia declared when she came home. She found James and Frederick in the kitchen. Surprisingly both were cooking. There might be hope for Frederick yet.

"Are you ditching me for Anne?" James inquired. He wanted to say she could not have Anne's babies, but she was not having his babies either, so he swallowed it.

"No, she's funny once she lightens up. She's changed. It has been very good for her that her family have gone away." There was a considerable difference in Anne's behaviour now that she thought about it. When they had first come here Anne had been very quiet, almost depressed. "She nearly killed me when she said she was so easy."

"I always thought she was. Anyone dressing like that must be easy." He kept half an eye on Frederick.

"How does she dress?" Frederick asked instantly. She was nearly always gone when he came out of the dressing rooms. He had only seen her once and she had been in that white dress then. It was not what he would call easy. It was simply not clever in wet weather, but she might not have known it would rain.

"Men!" Sophia interrupted. "Will you stop talking about how other women dress?"

"Louisa said that Anne was the opposite of easy," Frederick remarked with an air of indifference. "Because Charles Musgrove didn't get anywhere with her." He was rather pleased about that, although he should not be caring.

Sophia slid into her chair. Swimming made one tired and she wanted to sit. "And were you serious about sharing with Anne in Lyme?"

"What?" James turned to look from one to the other.

"I only said that to aggravate Mary," Frederick said calmly and he told himself to remain calm and unaffected.

"What are you going to share with Anne?" James had not yet heard of this plan and he was more than curious.

"A room. Maybe. It's not final."

"Why? Why can't she share with another girl?" James tried to foresee the consequences of this for future away meets, if there were any.

"I was trying to get rid of Mary, but maybe my plan backfired. Look, don't make so much of it. I'm sure Anne doesn't either. We'll sort it out." He was confident of that, even if he did not yet know how.

"She told me she was easy." Sophia angelically studied what he had just laid on the table. She was not so sure that Frederick made nothing of it. He would know not to give everyone two forks otherwise.

"She's easy because she doesn't invent problems where there aren't any."

Chapter Nine

Posted on Thursday, 12 April 2007

It was more than a week before Lyme and although the other selected swimmers were excited, Anne treated it as something ordinary. She had been to such swim meets before. The only thing that was different this time was Frederick's odd plan. He had not mentioned it again and this made her slightly nervous, though swimming did not.

He had in fact not spoken to her at all since that one conversation, except to say he had made sure she was swimming at that meet. Before she had been able to ask him which events, he had had his arm pulled by Mrs Musgrove and Anne had decided she could live without knowing in advance. She was versatile enough to handle all strokes and distances. It would not matter.

In the changing rooms Louisa and Henrietta fretted over what to pack. Anne listened to it in some bewilderment. It was as if they had never gone anywhere before, which was odd at their age. But maybe, she then thought, they were simply very keen on impressing everyone who was not going.

"Do they sell swimwear there, Anne? What do you think? I'll bring some more money if they do," Henrietta said to her. "I want one of those new long ones. Frederick says he has one."

Anne smiled and thought Frederick was likely to have more than one. The national team got them for free. "Bring some more money just in case. You could always take it back unspent." To some people that was a radical notion and she smiled again.

"I'm sure they'd sell them there. What do you think? If Frederick wants to swim at this meet, it must be a good one, so they must sell good swimsuits."

"It's possible," Anne agreed. She was amused by the notion that Frederick's participation was akin to a royal stamp of approval. Of course his presence would have absolutely nothing to do with swimwear being sold there, but she refrained from pointing that out.

"But Hen," whispered Louisa with a frown. "I thought we were going to save up for the auction?"

"I'd rather have a swimsuit than toss coins with you and lose out on everything including my money," Henrietta said with sisterly kindness.

Anne felt for Louisa, if only because her own sisters might say the very same thing. She could even pity Louisa for thinking there might be an auction and for getting unreasonably excited about it.

"Anne, you always know everything. Is there going to be an auction?" Louisa asked.

She felt her cruelty in saying this. "I don't think so." The only ones who really liked the idea were Mrs Musgrove and her two eldest daughters. Frederick himself luckily seemed to have little enthusiasm for such a plan if she had understood James correctly.

"Oh, why not?" the girl cried. "It would have been such fun."

"I don't think it would look good on his CV. Isn't he applying for jobs?" When it came to Frederick, she was sure she was not the one who knew everything.

"Yes, but -- yes, he's been to three interviews and he says they might want him for all three jobs." Louisa looked impressed.

Anne was not surprised by either his confidence or his popularity. "Then he's going to have to choose."

The talk of swimwear had made Anne self-conscious enough to examine her collection of swimsuits. She was merely mortal and she did not think any of her suits were impressive. At the risk of spending more money than she would on a bargain at a swim meet, she went out to buy a fancy expensive suit.

It cost her half an hour to wriggle herself into it, but then it looked superb and all her fears about being too fat for it were instantly gone. She was glad it was quiet in the shop; people might have wondered what she was doing behind that curtain for such a long time. The boy who worked in the shop kept looking at her when she studied herself in the mirror, so with some regret she shot back behind the curtain to try and wriggle herself out of it again.

This one indulgence did not make her vain or stupid, she hoped. She had really needed a new one, she had money saved from a project she had worked on a few months ago and why could she not buy the type of suit everyone was buying?

She should try it out one afternoon when she swam with Sophia, although she would have to change out of it before the other swimmers appeared.

James and Anne had met up to discuss her ideas for a fundraiser. She had worked out her ideas after he had asked her to do so. "But I can only do this on paper," she warned. "I don't want to be in charge of telling people what to do. They never listen to me."

"I suppose that if I tell you I do listen, you would in fact consider that not listening?" James asked in amusement.

She smiled. "Caught. But it's a fact, not a complaint. If you really want this to happen, you need someone else."

"I wanted someone other than Sophia. She's already doing quite a lot." He glanced at her. Because he was talking to Anne on one of the benches by the poolside, Sophia had taken over their lanes as well and she was running back and forth between the older swimmers and the younger ones. "And she's beginning to be tired, so I think she's doing too much again."

Anne thought the situation was clear. "Are you sure it's that?"

He understood her and his eyes gleamed when he looked at her. "No, I'm not sure, but she doesn't want to be disappointed again." He glanced at the pool. "Ha, Frederick thinks I'm chatting you up. He glares at us."

"If we had to glare every time he chatted somebody up…" she answered with a shrug. It would be such a waste of time.

James laughed. "Quite right. But he'd say he was doing it to aggravate Mary, no doubt."

"Oh, that," Anne said with a blush. "But I'd say that too, because it was really the case."

"How are you going to get out of it?" He did not have the impression that she was very interested in Frederick. She was too cool. He did not think she glared if Frederick chatted anybody up.

"Team-mates are like brothers," she said, thinking of Charles Musgrove. "You can share rooms with them without anything happening. But to get back to the fundraiser, can't you do the commanding?"

"I could, but part of my time after work is spent either here or doing things around the house. I still have a bookcase to put together. Do you recall the package that was in the car when we gave you a lift? It's still unpacked. I've been a little busy as well."

"With Sophia," she guessed.

"Work, mostly, but…she's not very discreet, is she?" James suddenly realised.

"Doesn't matter. I am," Anne assured him.

"And who do you confide in?"

She stared at the water and considered the question. She had confided in Frederick once, but that was something she could not imagine doing at present. "At the moment, no one. But I don't have a lot to share. Look, if you do the ordering, I'll help you, but I won't do the ordering."

"Do you really know yourself?" he wondered.

"Sorry?" Anne looked confused.

"You just ordered me."

Frederick had been suspicious, but he had not asked James what he had been discussing with Anne. He had finally got some rest about the hotel room in Lyme and he was not eager for a return to that subject.

It had been difficult enough to discuss travel arrangements, because he of course had no car and James was taking his own car on his romantic weekend away. He had had to make inquiries and discovered that Charles Musgrove and Charles Hayter would be driving. Two cars should be enough to convey eight people.

Louisa had been in doubt as to whether she preferred the Hayter sports car or her brother's family car, but since she could not be separated from Henrietta, she was forced to follow her elder sister's lead for a change. They would drive with Charles and Michael Hayter and listen to whatever music they liked.

Frederick assumed Anne and he were therefore relegated to the Musgroves' vehicle, but through Sophia he learnt that Anne was driving herself and that if he chose to go with the Musgroves, he would have to fold his long legs up in the backseat because Mary suffered from motion sickness. He was not sure that was an invitation to drive with Anne.

A few days later he realised he had no choice when Charles counted completely on his going with Anne. Anne herself had said nothing about it, or indeed about anything.

On the big day he packed his swimming stuff and some clothes, had lunch and then waited. Sophia had said Anne would pick him up. Anne seemed to be using her as a messenger, something he did not really mind.

James and Sophia were getting ready as well and he observed their interaction. His sister was in a bad mood, it seemed. "I hope you'll be more romantic on your romantic weekend," he said to her when she ran through the living room yet another time blaming James for having mislaid something.

"You seem to be thinking I've booked a pink hotel suite with hearts, roses and candles," she snapped at him.

"For James' sake, I hope not."

James was unfazed by his wife's behaviour. He seemed to think it amusing. "This is our first romantic outing ever. She is very nervous about it."

"Why?" Frederick did not understand. "You're married."

"We haven't actually been on dates. She just moved in with me." He glanced over his shoulder and lowered his voice, though not enough for Sophia not to hear him. "But I told her I'm bringing her some frilly lingerie that I bought in secret."

Frederick shot off the couch. "Is that a car outside?" He would rather drive with Anne than hear about his sister in lingerie.

"You are winding me up and it's very mean," Sophia complained to James when Frederick walked into the hall. "I searched your suitcase and I found nothing."

Frederick closed the door behind him. He hoped Anne had come, although he was not looking forward to the drive. He thought about romantic outings. Perhaps he did understand his sister. He would be a little nervous too. This was far from romantic, but he did not feel easy about it.

Anne arrived a few minutes later. She looked cool and not at all nervous about sharing a car. "I was wondering if you'd like to drive," she said.

He had been prepared for any other opening conversation, but not for that. He had no good answer ready. "Why?"

"I don't like driving."

That, at least, had not changed. He remembered a flash of conversation from years ago in which she had fretted about driving. "Sure," he said. She dropped the key a little gingerly beside his awkwardly-outstretched hand and he had to pick it up from the ground.

"Sorry."

Anne sat looking out of the window and wondered what her mother would think if she ever found out that Frederick Wentworth had driven her car. Would her mother even remember Frederick? Well, she would know his name, but would she remember the rest? Nobody had ever mentioned it again, not even when her mother had gently tried to steer her towards other men years later. She had not quite given up doing that, Anne thought with a sigh.

It had been an audible one, because Frederick turned his head briefly.

She did not explain because he did not ask anything. Surprisingly it was feasible, sitting in a car with him. Rather than the pain she had expected she felt a curious peace and comfort. Of course, were he to say anything cold and unfeeling that would change, but so far she was fine.

Chapter Ten

Posted on Monday, 16 April 2007

So Anne had eventually passed her driving test, Frederick reflected. It had been a long time since he had driven a car that did not threaten to give up in the middle of the road and he still enjoyed it, despite the fact that he had already borrowed James' car a few times. This was a good car, but he doubted it was Anne's. She did not work and she did not like driving. It must be her mother's. He scowled a little at the thought of her mother. The woman still ruled her daughter's life. If she had been home he doubted that Anne would have been allowed to go on this trip and his presence would have little to do with that.

But as he thought on, he had to admit that he had judged too hastily, especially when he had first arrived here. He had been someone. Or rather, he had been made to think he was someone. But he was no one. He did not have a house of his own, he had nothing to do during the day and he did not even have his own transportation. Out here, in the real world, those things mattered and not how many international finals he had swum. People could have all that and still be bad at swimming.

Even if he got a job he would still not have it all. He did not want only the job, he now knew. And what he had meant by girlfriend was really a more complicated matter than only a girl. Perhaps he wanted what he witnessed daily, although today they had been a little odd.

"Is Sophia pregnant?" he asked after seeing a pregnant woman by the roadside. He had always read they underwent personality changes. Although his sister had not completely changed, she had been a little different.

Anne looked startled at the sudden sound. He had said nothing to her so far. "Er…I don't know. Why?"

"Because she's behaving very strangely. Running through the house being irrational and blind."

"Sounds like my father and he's not pregnant," she said before she could check herself, but at least she could swallow that her mother would say it was normal male behaviour. She was sure Frederick would not behave like that if he could not find something.

Frederick was surprised as well. He needed a few moments to digest that she had criticised her father. That she would do so to him was somehow significant. Or so he hoped. She and her father might then differ on more points.

He continued. "Oh. But…Sophia…and they're clearing the spare room."

She was not surprised to hear that, but rather at Frederick not being in the know. "Didn't you know they were trying?"

"No." He remembered something that made more sense now. "When she said you were also trying, I didn't know she was the other person herself."

Anne gave him a funny stare. "She didn't say I was also trying, because I'm not."

"Oh." Frederick was a little surprised to feel relieved by that confirmation, so he remained practically silent for the remainder of the journey. For whose sake was he relieved? For Anne's, on whom he would apparently not wish a nobody? For his own, because there was evidently no one she considered his superior? He could not decide.

Anne was a little baffled that he had taken the comment seriously. Why would he have done that?

Anne was not sure the girls had missed Frederick during the drive, but they looked incredibly happy to see him when they arrived. They were waved into the restaurant connected to the pool. The two girls and the two boys had just sat down there. Charles and Mary were not there yet, it seemed.

"You drive so slowly, Anne!" cried Henrietta. "We've been here for ages."

"I drove," said Frederick with a grin. He derived some enjoyment from the looks on their faces. It was not Anne's fault. In a car of his own he might drive fast, but not in someone else's car.

"But come and have a drink with us," Louisa invited. "We saw some mad stuff along the way that we need to tell you about. It's half an hour till warm-up anyway. I wish Mary were here so she could get the programme for us. I wonder who we're up against."

"I'll get the programme if you pay me the start fees," Anne spoke up. She might like that better than listening to the mad stuff.

"Can't you advance that money if you insist on doing it now? Because I don't know how much I need to pay." She looked reluctant to calculate it.

"I can tell you how much, because I'm not advancing money for anyone," Anne said in determination. She collected the money and walked into the hall. There was a table where clubs were supposed to pay their fees, but nobody was waiting.

"Kellynch SC," Anne said to the friendly-looking young woman who sat behind the desk.

"Tom? Kellynch!" the woman called to a young man behind her. He instantly came closer.

Anne looked a little curious at the interest her arrival generated. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no," he assured her. "It's just that I know Frederick. Is he here yet?"

"Yes, he's having a cup of coffee with the girls. And the boys." She gestured towards the restaurant. "But I prefer to handle these things as soon as I come in."

"Quite right! Despite our efforts we may have made a mistake we could still fix if you saw it early enough," he said with a pleasant smile. "I thought Frederick was the Kellynch representative."

"It should be my sister, but…" Anne shrugged. The Kellynch way was sometimes odd.

"Your sister?" The man named Tom exchanged a look with the woman. "Are you one of the sisters he's bringing?"

"He's brought two sets of sisters." She was surprised at how much they knew. "Do you know this much about every club swimming today?"

They laughed. "No, but we paid closer attention to Frederick's club because he's my friend. So who are you, if I may be so impertinent to ask?"

She was not sure he needed a last name. "Anne."

"Anne?" The couple exchanged another look.

Anne began to feel a little nervous. Why were they so interested? "Do you know me?"

"You were entered later."

That would explain it. "Yes, I'm sorry. It was not my doing. I hope it didn't cost you any trouble."

"None at all. By the way, I was on the national team for a while together with your sister," said the young man. "And Frederick, of course. I know your dad too."

Anne faked a smile. Had he liked her father and sister? In that case she was bound to disappoint, being so different.

"But Fred and I always stayed at a respectful distance," he continued with a grin. "Long distance upstarts that we were."

Her smile became genuine now. They would indeed not be considered as talented as Elizabeth if they needed so much long distance training. "Well, I'm one of those, so no need to do that with me."

"Yes, you poor thing. Does Frederick hate you or something?"

She froze. Only now did it occur to her that they might be interested in her because they had heard something from Frederick. After another second she thought it unlikely that he talked about her very much, if he had done so at all. "W-W-Why?"

"He signed you up for a pretty heavy programme, though he thinks he's the essence of kindness because of leaving off the 800." Tom raised his eyebrows sarcastically.

"Er…" Anne had no idea what to think or ask. "What am I swimming? I never asked."

"And he never asked you," he concluded.

"No."

"You're swimming all 200s and 400s."

"That's only seven times in three days," Anne remarked. "I don't mind."

"That's either good or crazy. There's a 200 breaststroke in there, too. Anyone doing that gets my sympathies. By the way, Freddy told me to google your times, so Fiona did. Blame her if they're totally off."

From Fiona's reaction to that teasing Anne deduced they belonged together and she thought she would like them. It was a pity that they were Frederick's friends and it was unlikely that the four of them could ever talk together. She looked into the programme, but at first she had trouble remembering what she wanted to look up. "You got the first one right, so I'm sure the rest is too. I swim my own races, regardless of who are next to me. I don't think I know them anyway. They are terribly young."

"Terribly young? This is a competition for thirteen and over," Tom laughed.

"That's half my age! Well, I don't mind. I just don't know them." She had not come along to meet friends, she wanted to say, but she did not say it in case they asked why she had come along instead. That was because Frederick had signed her up and because she could not say no. She really could not, could she? Or simply not to him?

"Your team-mates are pretty old, but I think there are some more oldies here and there."

"By oldies you mean the over eighteens?" Anne asked doubtfully. "Because what we brought here is practically all we have in that category. It can't be much different elsewhere. Or do you mean the over twenty-fives?"

"I wouldn't have asked Frederick if there were none of those. If I wanted to see him, I could just invite him to my home."

"And you wouldn't need to put him through the ordeal of being twice as tall and twice as old as his opponents," she nodded.

"Anne?" Louisa had come into the hall. "Frederick wants the programme."

It was of course easier to send Louisa for it than to come for it himself. Anne gave it to her and watched her run off with it. She did not want to follow and she remembered her new swimwear that would take really long to put on. "Can I go and change already?" she asked Tom and Fiona.

They looked confused. "You don't want to have a drink with them?"

"I'll do that another time. I have a Fastskin to get into."

Chapter Eleven

Posted on Thursday, 19 April 2007

Frederick had considered telling Louisa about his personal space, but he had decided that perhaps she was simply very curious about the programme. She was hanging over his shoulder as if she was not wearing glasses she ought to be wearing, but as long as she did not wrap her arms around his neck he could stand it.

He could even stand her asking him about everyone over twenty whether he knew them, but they were only on page two. He considered telling her that when he had gone abroad, some of these people had been twelve, so of course he did not know them. It was best to say as little as possible, though.

"Freddy!"

Frederick raised his head. "Tom!"

"You come to my pool and you don't even come to see me. You have a female staff to run your errands. What is this?"

He smiled at his friend, even if he was talking utter nonsense. "My errands? What are you talking about?"

"One pays your fees and the other gets the programme for you. Do they pay for your drink too?"

Frederick looked surprised, although he was pleased to feel Louisa move away from him. He handed her the programme and thankfully she took it to Charles and Michael. "I never put them up to that. What?"

"Never mind." Tom took a seat. "Did you hear anything about your job interviews?"

Anne secluded herself in a changing cubicle to pull on her swimwear, avoiding the group changing rooms. She was not yet ready to expose her lack of skill to everyone. Younger girls without curves would be able to pull the suit up over their hips without any problems, but it cost Anne quite some time to get the fabric past this obstacle. The way she had to keep pushing tiny bits of flesh on alternating sides into the suit was humiliating.

Back in the shop she had only been motivated to push on because she knew that fatter girls had managed to get into this thing, although she had wondered how. She only barely managed without tearing the fabric. But now she knew she could do it, although it still took ages.

Around her she eventually began to hear the sounds of other swimmers running into the changing area. She hoped one of the excited teens would not look in on her from above in search of a team-mate, because the suit was still not over her hips. Fortunately they did not. With a red face from the exertion she finally exited her cubicle, her tracksuit covering her suit. She was still a little shy about it. To be wearing it during the warming up was a little exhibitionistic, but she would not have any time to change after it. She was the first to swim.

The familiar green of the Kellynch bags was easy to spot and she placed her own bag on the end of the row. Everyone seemed to be warming up except Frederick. She did not suppose he would. He would not want to dive in among the crowd and it was very crowded today. She would not be able to swim much herself, at least not in the main pool.

Anne grabbed her cap and goggles and walked to the shallow pool, which was hidden by a row of huge fake plants for some reason. It was just deep enough for her to loosen her muscles, but more importantly, there was no one else. She left her tracksuit and pool shoes on the side and jumped in. This was the first time she was in the water with her new suit and it felt marvellous.

Frederick withdrew before his race to concentrate. He would not usually do it at a competition like this, but he needed to set a good example and to get away from the girls' incessant chattering. They had warmed up in the water, though briefly, and they had questioned him as to why he had not. He had tried to explain he would not have been able to do more than a stroke per lane before he swam into the person in front of him, but then they had called him arrogant -- teasingly, but nevertheless.

As he walked past the shallow pool to find a quiet place, he decided to go in there for a minute. It would be better than nothing.

After loosening his muscles he went to the marshalling area, which was located in a quiet space connected to the main pool. Anne was already there. He hesitated for a second, but of course she was swimming in the first event, which he had forgotten. She looked nervous. Maybe she had not swum this distance in a while, but she would not do well if she remained so edgy.

Fredrick pulled her into a hug. She stiffened at first, but then he felt her relax and he began to whisper. "I heard you're easy, Elliot, so go easy on the butterfly. New suit," he noted as he ran his hand over Anne's hip.

She blushed. Was it too obvious that she had never worn it, that she had bought it especially for this meet? He would feel the difference. He would know it was new and he might think it was for him. She wished she had not removed her trousers already, although he would have seen her swimsuit eventually. "Yes."

"I love the feel of the new ones." He moved his other hand to her other hip. "The fabric is still so rough and new."

"Anne?" said the girl handing out the start cards. It was time.

"Have to go," Anne told him unnecessarily. She grabbed the card and skipped around the corner into the pool, leaving Frederick to dwell on what he had just done.

He had comforted Anne. She had felt different, but at the same time also very familiar. Her body might have changed a little, but she had not. The eyes that had looked up at him with such a startled expression were the same. She had looked like that eight years ago the first time he had spoken to her.

Honestly, Anne had tried to go easy on the butterfly, but there had been no stopping her. She feared she was going very fast, because everyone else had disappeared from view. When she got to the breaststroke part of the medley it was first a shock to see how far they were behind, but then it had given her new energy.

She had floated, but when she came out of the water it was time to come back to earth. "Did anyone take my splits?" she asked, too pleased with her swim to be very much out of breath.

"Oh my goodness, you swam already?" Henrietta exclaimed. "We totally missed it."

"But you're taking Frederick's splits," she pointed out. Henrietta had the stopwatch and Louisa wrote them down. "And he's the heat after mine."

"We just didn't recognise you in that thing, I guess," Louisa replied with her eyes on the pool.

Anne was used to being overlooked. She would simply having to wait until the results were hung up. Still, she could not escape feeling a little miffed. Her sister had no task at all. She could easily have been here to keep track of who was swimming. "Where is Mary?"

"Having coffee? Really, I don't know."

It had gone so well. And now nobody had taken her split times. As she walked to the shallow pool she felt in her pocket and she assumed she had picked up Frederick's jacket by accident. He had gone in when she came out, although she had not noticed two jackets in the bucket. In her euphoria she might have missed that there were two.

There was a piece of paper in his pocket -- freshly written split times. A girl's. Her event's. Hers, because the final time was the same as she had seen on the scoreboard. Her jacket, too. He must have put that in after she finished. She had been a little ahead and she had not been able to leave the water instantly. He would have had time to do it.

She put the piece of paper back carefully. Such a token of kindness should be treasured. It had been nice of him to do so completely unprompted, just like the hug. Happily she floated back and forth in the shallow pool.

Frederick had delivered a routine swim. There was a youngster who had been so audacious as to stay close for two hundred metres, but then Frederick had paced up a little to get rid of him. Eventually he finished well ahead. But, he told himself, it was not a popular distance. That was exactly the reason why he had done well in it, he supposed.

"We got your split times!" Louisa said when she met him halfway.

He was not very interested in those and he could certainly have waited to see them until he had reached his seat. However, she waved them under his nose now and he looked at them. "Not bad for a man out of training."

"You improved your time," she congratulated him.

"Darling," he said sarcastically. She was too ignorant. "I entered with a time half a minute above my personal best."

"Oh."

"Didn't you take Anne's split times?" He said, suddenly noticing that the space behind her heat was frighteningly blank.

"No, duh! She asked after she came out, not before."

He could point out that he had not asked either, but she would probably have an excuse. "I'm going to the cool-down pool." Men out of training needed that.

"Good swim," a swimmer congratulated Anne as she climbed out of the cool-down pool. He was stretching next to her pile of clothes. "I enjoyed it. You have such a great technique."

"Thanks," she said with a pleased blush. She had never seen him before, although she guessed he was her age or older.

"My name is William." He held out his hand.

She shook it. "Anne."

"I know. That's in the programme. I haven't looked any further yet. Are you swimming all weekend?"

"Yes, all 200s and 400s," she answered. He seemed a nice person. Perhaps it would nice to talk to him some more this weekend. One did not go to swim meets to talk only to one's own club.

"Wow! I'm impressed."

"Don't be. I can't do much else." And she had not signed herself up for these events, but Frederick had. It was nothing impressive on her behalf.

"If you can do 400 IM, you can do everything." William seemed determined to flatter her.

"If you say so." Anne was not used to such comments, certainly not if they came accompanied by smiles of appreciation.

"I'll see you around then," he said with a glance over her shoulder.

She picked up her clothes and turned to walk away, wondering if he was normal or just a little too much. Frederick was standing on the edge of the cool-down pool. He was looking in their direction, but before she could meet his eyes he looked away and jumped in.

Chapter Twelve

Posted on Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Coming out of the changing rooms Anne had seen William; he had asked which hotel she was staying in. She had had to give him a very brief answer, because Frederick was glaring at them from a distance. It would have been possible to say Frederick and she were staying there together, but she could not bring herself to do it. William was only talking to her. He was not asking her out. Only Frederick's glaring turned it into something more, although Anne was not sure there was any reason for that.

Frederick did not ask anything about William when she joined the rest of the group. In fact, after speaking to her before her race he had not exchanged another word with her at all. "Let's go," were his first words.

The three cars drove to the hotel, where Frederick beat Anne to going to the reception desk. She did not say anything, but she sat down. If he wanted to handle it, fine. He might be afraid everyone would hear where he was to sleep. This might be his way of controlling that and she would not protest. She was not particularly keen on sharing the news herself.

In their excitement about staying in a hotel, Henrietta and Louisa never cared to ask where Frederick would be sleeping. They had run towards their rooms to explore every little drawer and shampoo bottle and they might only later realise they did not yet know his room number, only when they would need to be at the pool for the warming up next morning. Such an arrangement treated them as adults who were free to decide at what time they wanted to get up and eat breakfast, and for that reason they had not asked any questions.

Anne had been sitting on a bench in the lobby until Frederick would tell her their room number. It was even clearer to her now that he did not want to advertise the fact. She wondered about Mary, who had been told, but her sister seemed to have forgotten.

After Frederick had given the girls and the boys their room numbers and keys, and shared a few words with Charles and Mary, he walked towards Anne, looking a little sheepish. She got up for the moment of truth, but it was another truth than what she had been expecting.

"We aren't staying here," he said looking even more sheepish and not meeting her eyes.

A few possibilities darted through Anne's mind, but they were not very plausible. She could not see them drive back home, nor camp outside. "Where are we staying then? Another hotel?" She was not sure she would go along with that. It would look highly suspicious.

"We're staying at Tom's house."

"Why me? He's your friend. I could have stayed here by myself." As she spoke, she understood why he had seemed to treat the other swimmers as responsible adults earlier. That had not been his intention at all; he had wanted to be so vague that they would not know where he went.

"Yes, but we're now staying there." He supposed he could have paid his share of the room and let Anne stay here all by herself, but now that he thought of it, he knew why he had not thought of it before. It would have given off a different message if he had left her here alone, a message he did not want to give.

Anne followed him silently as he walked out to the car. Her car. Her mother's car. But it was his for the weekend.

He had the same thought when she waited for him to unlock the doors. He still had the key and she had not asked it back. Seemingly he was meant to keep it until he dropped himself off home.

Tom and Fiona, she saw, were not at all surprised to see Frederick had brought her. They had known, probably the moment she had said her name was Anne that afternoon. Now she understood why they had exchanged so many looks. "You could have told me," she said without resentment when the men were still discussing where to park the car.

"We figured that if you didn't know what you were swimming, you wouldn't know where you were sleeping," Fiona explained. "And it was his job to tell you."

"Yes, I know." Anne felt faintly embarrassed, standing in the house of strangers with a heavy swimming bag and a past with Frederick that was even heavier. She wondered how much they knew.

"Let me show you your room."

Anne followed her to the attic, to a fairly large but very full room. It contained only one bed and hardly any room for a mattress on the floor. "Am I going to sleep here alone?"

"Well…" Fiona looked surprised. "That was the whole idea behind cancelling the hotel reservation, wasn't it?"

"I have no idea why he did that," Anne had to say, even if it made her look stupidly uninformed. "Because it was his idea to share in the first place."

"Yes, he told us. But now Frederick will sleep downstairs on the couch. He won't be any trouble."

Anne blushed. "I didn't think he was going to be any trouble." She hesitated. "Did you honestly think I would have come all the way to Lyme if I feared there might be trouble? I can say no to stupid plans." She had said she could not, but of course she could. She would not have come here if she somehow had any objections.

"You have a point," Fiona conceded. "Do you need any time to unpack? Feel free to hang your swimsuits in the shower. I'll go pour something to drink downstairs."

Anne was left to contemplate the situation. She would not have to share at all. The many scenarios that she had tried out in her head were now useless because they would not be acted out. They would not talk. They would not do anything worse either. He would also not be tempted to leave the room to seek out others either. She would be able to sleep.

With a sigh she pulled her swimming bag closer and began to unpack it.

"Want to come inside?" Tom asked eventually, cutting short Frederick's musings about the neighbourhood and parking spaces that had nothing to do with anything.

"Yes, of course," he replied, although he had been buying time for some reason he did not fully understand.

"We thought you could sleep on the couch and we put Anne in the attic. Does that meet with your approval?"

"Perfect."

"Jimmy Benwick's coming over for a drink in a bit. He didn't get to talk to you much in the pool. There were a few girls in the way. Notably some blonde one, he said."

Yes, the blonde one. Frederick smiled wryly. She knew how to place herself in the way.

"What would the blonde have said about the hotel room?" Tom wondered.

"We'll never know." And he was thankful for that. He changed the subject. "I look forward to catching up with Jimmy."

"How formal. I thought you saw him a few weeks ago."

"Yes, but that wasn't a good occasion to chat. He'd just been dumped. You can't chat to a man who's just been dumped," he said with a little bit of an edge to his voice.

Tom patted his shoulder. "I know. I know." And the just been dumped state lasted a few years. About that too he needed no further clarification.

Frederick said nothing.

"Want to unpack your bag and hang out your wet stuff? Just find a space for everything in the bathroom."

He pulled his swimwear from his bag and just wanted to go upstairs when Anne descended. The stairs were too narrow for two people to pass each other, so when she held out her hand, he gave her the swimwear and without speaking she returned upstairs.

Tom watched it in amazement.

"What?" Frederick inquired irritably. He realised he was a guest in this house and he adjusted his voice to something more humorous. "Don't you mention my female staff again. You didn't hear me ask or order."

"No, that's the unbelievable thing about it. But, since your stuff is being taken care of, let's sit down."

Anne joined them a few minutes later. She had heard the comment about the female staff -- it was a small house -- but she did not think she was being Frederick's servant by doing the kindest and most sensible thing under the circumstances. She had been halfway up the stairs and she knew where to hang his swimwear. She could have let him do it himself, she supposed, but why? Even his other female staff would not have let him do that, although the difference was that they would very likely draw attention to their helpfulness, whereas she did not.

When she joined them they were speaking about the children. From various objects and clothes lying around she had deduced there were at least two, but they would be in bed by now. She removed a few toys from the couch and sat down.

Fiona poured her some juice and then began questioning her. "Were you happy with your time?"

"Yes, it was really good. For me. I hadn't done it in a long time." She refrained from looking at Frederick, whom she ought to thank for it. If he had not spoken to her before the start, she would not have swum so fast.

"It looked really good."

"Thanks." Sudden bleeping from her jacket reminded her that she still had her cell phone in her pocket. She took it out. A text message from Sophia had just come in. She opened it and blushed at its contents. Tell Frederick no sexy lingerie. She had no idea what she was supposed to make of that. What on earth did Sophia think they were doing? "I'm sorry. I need to reply, because I don't understand what she's talking about."

"She?" Frederick asked.

"Sophia."

He seemed to relax a little. "What is she saying?"

"Do you have a cell phone?" Anne wondered. She did not yet understand why she should have to tell him something.

"No."

"Oh." She looked at the message again and frowned. "I'm supposed to tell you something, but I don't understand why."

He held out his hand and after some hesitation he received the phone in it. He grinned when he saw the message, although he did not know why Sophia thought he cared at all. "I understand it, but I see why you don't. James was annoying Sophia and me by saying he had bought…er…this. For her. May I reply?"

She shrugged. "Yes."

He tapped a quick message and since Anne was no longer looking at him, he looked up who were in her address book. Surprisingly he knew all of them. They were all family or Kellynch SC people. It was a little odd.

Anne picked up the phone when sufficient time had passed after he had laid it on the table. She wanted to know what he had sent and, more importantly, whether he had signed the message with his own name. In dismay she noted that he had sent back Borrow mine?

Before she could do anything about that, the doorbell rang. "That'll be Jimmy," said Fiona and she leant towards Anne to explain something about him in a low voice. "He recently broke up with Tom's sister and he's still very depressed. They were together for eight years."

"Eight years," Anne echoed. It was a significant number.

"She felt she was stuck with Jimmy by default and not by choice, having been so young," Fiona whispered sadly. "But what could we do?"

"As if he was the only one she knew and therefore…?" Anne asked. This could have applied to her, but she now knew there had not been anyone else she had wanted to know. She had had the opportunity, not having had a partner to whom she had to be faithful, but she had never felt the inclination.

"Yes. He never saw it coming." Fiona shook her head and glanced at the door. A second later Tom and Jimmy came in.

Anne had seen him at the pool, but she had not paid attention to him. He had been sitting in a corner all by himself, concentrating, she had assumed. Now she supposed he might have been moping.

Chapter Thirteen

Frederick had more to say than Jimmy and so it happened that the latter had been sitting next to Anne without saying very much. Eventually, after having unsuccessfully wondered whether she should inform Sophia she had not been texting but Frederick, she decided to speak to Jimmy. "Did you swim well?"

"No," he said morosely.

It was a stupid question, she conceded. Nobody in this mood could possibly have swum well. "Were you unhappy before or after your swim?"

"Before."

"It's tough how unhappiness has such an effect, isn't it?" she asked with a sympathetic look.

Jimmy became slightly interested. "Are you unhappy?"

"No, but I have been and I didn't swim very well then." She had been unhappy and it had instantly affected her swimming. She had found that negative feelings did not work, whereas positive feelings did, something she had discovered today.

"You must be over it by now," he said, referring to her good swim.

She was surprised he had noticed. He had looked quite withdrawn in the pool and she would not have expected him to watch her swim. "No, I'm not over it, but you learn to cope."

"Your unhappiness must have had a different source."

Anne almost smiled. Nobody else's problems could be as important as those of the one who was depressed. It was typical. She hoped she had not felt too much like that herself, but she had probably not been able to escape it. "Similar, I think."

There was another flicker of interest. "How did you get over it?"

"I learnt to deal with it. I read a lot."

"I love reading," Jimmy said instantly. "Poetry especially. Do you?"

"At some point you need to ditch the poetry," Anne advised. "Or you'll get stuck. You want to move on, don't you?"

"No," he said, suddenly sad. "No. She was my everything."

"You must move on," she urged gently, even if she had not done so herself either. "You're still young. You can get over it. Reading can be helpful, but only in the beginning. It's static. It may have been written by someone who felt the same as you, but you can rarely tell from their writing how and when they've moved on."

What with Jimmy entirely fascinated by Anne, there was little catching up to do with him. Frederick picked up Anne's phone again when a text came in. Describe it. That was a problem. He could not make something up, so he left the phone on the table.

It was not until after her conversation with Jimmy that Anne inspected her phone. Frederick could tell from her glance at him that she was wondering why he had not replied anything. She tapped a message back, he assumed, and he was curious whether that was a description or a clarification that she had not been texting herself.

He might never know, because Anne went to bed when Jimmy went home. She was so quick that he would not run into her in the bathroom. He would not see her again until the morning.

In the morning, however, it was not Anne he saw first, but one of Tom's little boys who had come downstairs to play. This woke Frederick up completely, although the couch had been comfortable enough. Luckily it was not too early and he went upstairs to see if the bathroom was free.

As he was shaving, he realised he did not have anything to do there that could not also be done elsewhere, so that he must only be there to run into Anne. There was, he felt, no point in showering shortly before diving into a pool. He opened the door wide so anyone with legitimate business would be able to order him out. He did not want to stay here.

The first one to pass was Fiona. "Morning, Frederick," she said cheerfully, but even she did not evict him. She went directly downstairs.

He sighed and studied his smooth cheeks in the mirror. He was done here. He picked up his swimwear and realised he might as well pull it on directly.

But for all his delays, he had long been downstairs when Anne arrived there. He had helped set the table and keep the little boy occupied. Perhaps he should be glad he had given up the hotel room, because sharing such domestic spaces was still difficult.

Anne said good morning to them and sat down.

Tom came in with his youngest a second later. "By the way, does either of you want to go to the swimmers party tonight?"

"Swimmers party?" Frederick asked. "What's that?"

"A party for swimmers. Until midnight. In the hall next to the pool. Disco. We'll be eating at the pool, but if you want to go to the party, you should stay there after dinner and I'll give you a key. We're not going."

"I don't know yet. Anne?"

Anne was startled at finding her opinion solicited. "Er…unless everyone is going, I think not. Not until midnight anyway. But there is one key?" That meant they had to go home at the same time, or one of them had to go home when Tom and Fiona were still up.

"Yes, you'd have to work out together when you're coming back." Tom gave her a key. "You can't possibly leave parties before Frederick."

"Really?" She was surprised.

Frederick looked a little defensive. "I always had to train the next morning. And tomorrow I have to race, so I doubt that if I go, I'll stay until midnight. A children's disco might not be my kind of fun."

Anne supposed he would have his mind changed by the rest of the group. They would certainly want him to go if they went. She was glad to have the key so she would not have to beg for it. Suppose he was dancing with Louisa and she would have to tap him on the shoulder. No, she preferred to be the one in charge of her own departure.

The only disadvantage to staying with the Harvilles was perhaps that the swimming pool was not next door. Those staying in the hotel could easily walk, but Frederick and Anne had to drive. He waited until he was on the road before he asked his question. "What did you text to Sophia?"

"A description of my lingerie," she replied. "That was what she asked for, wasn't it? I always do what I'm asked."

He choked on nothing. "Do you have some?"

She had seen him pick up the phone and lay it down. He had looked a little embarrassed, which had made her curious, although she had not checked instantly. He seemed a little agitated now too, which was odd. He had started the joke himself. "You think I do."

"No, I just typed back a stupid reply."

"So did I."

It was vexing that she did not give him a straight answer. "You would willingly let Sophia think you own lingerie?"

She had to laugh at that. "What does Sophia care?" The only one who cared was Frederick, although he did not yet want to admit it. Perhaps he did not like why he cared, although she did not know why he did. She decided to help him. "I don't own any."

"Good," he said surprisingly. "I think that people who do own some shouldn't advertise the fact."

Anne laughed again. "In view of your joke, that is not logic at its best, but I do agree." She marvelled at the fact that she could laugh again, even if he could not laugh yet.

He liked an Anne who laughed. Perhaps it was possible to be friends again. He pondered this question as he parked the car. They took out their bags in silence and walked towards the entrance of the pool. There were many other swimmers arriving and it took a while before they could enter.

The rest of the club had seen them from the inside and they called out to Frederick when he at long last made it in. "We missed you at breakfast!"

He dropped his bag onto the floor. "Why? Did you need advice on what to eat?"

They thought that funny. "No, but -- and are we going to the party tonight?"

"Why ask me? Go if you want," he said with a shrug. "You're all over eighteen and you may stay out till midnight. Or wouldn't your parents approve?"

The boys seemed to understand he was teasing the girls, because they grinned, but the girls took him very seriously. "Of course they'd approve!" said Henrietta. "We've been out until midnight before."

"They're very sophisticated," Michael Hayter whispered to Frederick. "Midnight!"

"You're old enough to make your own decisions," Frederick said. "Do what you like. You will know what you can do without endangering your swimming." As he spoke, he felt unsure of that, but he stuck to his firm belief that they ought to be old enough to make these decisions on their own. He would not do to them what once had been done to Anne and they should trust their own judgement.

"Are you going?" Louisa inquired.

"Depends on how many children are going," he replied vaguely. "I don't know yet."

There was a sudden rush for the changing rooms when the door was opened. Everyone around them stumbled to be the first and Henrietta and Louisa were infected by the urgency. They looked back at Frederick when he did not move. "We can change!"

He unbuttoned the fly of his jeans and lowered them a little. He was already wearing his swimming trunks, as they would be able to see. He did not have to wriggle himself through a mass of boys all in a hurry to claim the best spots by the pool. "No need."

The girls screamed at him in delight and ran off.

Anne, whom nobody had seemed to notice, sauntered closer. "Your lingerie?" she asked, but she did not display any more interest in it. She calmly joined the end of the queue leading into the girls' changing rooms.

Frederick suddenly felt rather hot, literally so.

When I Was Nineteen ~ Section III

By Lise

Beginning, Previous Section, Section III, Next Section

Chapter Fourteen

Anne paid the price for her cool behaviour when all the group changing rooms were full and she could not find a free cubicle instantly. One freed up after a few minutes, but she had forgotten to reckon with her Fastskin, because she was again swimming in the first event of the day. There would be no time to change after warming up, not with the time she still needed to get into the thing.

She was struggling with her suit when someone addressed her from above. Frederick was peeking over the top. "I heard funny sounds."

"Aren't you about fifteen years too old for peeks?" she inquired to hide her shock at suddenly hearing and seeing someone above her.

He did not think so. "I heard funny sounds, as I said."

"That was me shoving my fat into my suit." And she was not quite done yet, which he would be able to see all too well. It was nothing he had never seen before except that she was fatter now, so that could be a cause for embarrassment. She was surprisingly unembarrassed, however.

"Okay," he said, but he did not disappear.

It looked as if he was determined to keep an eye on her, so Anne shook her head and stoically continued her wriggling. She was not aware of having made funny noises, so perhaps that had just been his excuse to peek, though it was unclear why he would want to.

Her phone went off and with one foot she pushed her bag into the next cubicle. She could answer it herself, she supposed, but this was a more effective way of getting rid of Frederick at the same time. "Answer it, please. It's Sophia."

Frederick had disappeared. She heard him rummage through her bag in search of her phone. "How do you know?" he asked.

"Who else would call me this early on a Saturday?" And she suspected the call was not even for her, but Frederick. She could not imagine what Sophia would want to tell her.

"Hello?" There was a brief silence during which he also resumed his place on the bench next door, again peering down on her. "You were wrong. It's James."

"Same difference," Anne muttered. She wrestled her arms into her suit and then she was done. She tried not to pay attention to Frederick's conversation, but to gather her belongings.

"Why do you ring other women when you're on a romantic weekend away with my sister?" Frederick inquired of James. "And can't you concentrate on each other instead of sending strange text messages?"

Anne did not hear what else was said, because she pulled her bag back and threw everything in it. Then she left, leaving Frederick to gaze into an empty cubicle.

After her warming up Anne found Frederick sitting companionably with the others. Louisa was being her usual self and loudly talking about the party that evening. There was no doubt that she was going and that she expected everyone else to be equally enthusiastic.

She was lucky that Henrietta and the boys were also eager to go. As they had discovered the night before, another night at the hotel would not bring anything new and Charles had realised that Henrietta would not leave her sister alone in their hotel room. He had a similar problem in that he was also sharing his room and a party seemed a great opportunity for some private moments.

They spoke rather openly about not going there right at the beginning and to have a few drinks elsewhere beforehand. Frederick remembered that he had lectured them on the forbidden activities and that these had included drinking. There was a difference between going to a party until midnight and drinking too much. He had told Louisa she was old enough to make her own decisions and he still believed they all were. He might not respect the nature of those decisions, he now began to think, but in principle he wanted to stick to approving of the fact they could make their own decisions. What could happen? A few drinks would not make them drunk. He said nothing.

Anne said nothing either. Not to them, at any rate. She had caught enough of the conversation to know what they would be doing. She felt for Tom's key and held it out to Frederick. "I don't have the money to pay for everyone's drinks."

He looked uncomprehending. "Why would they let you pay?"

"The system favours the ones who drink a lot," she said gravely. "And I don't."

"The system favours!" Charles Musgrove cut in. "Anne and her fancy words!" He slapped Anne on the knee in a friendly gesture. "You should drink more. Have some fun. Maybe after a few drinks we can see you dance?"

Mary interrupted him, feeling jealous of any attentions not directed towards herself. "Well, I say that if she doesn't want to go, she shouldn't go, because she'd probably only keep telling us we should stop drinking and go to bed just when we were having great fun."

Anne knew when it was wisest not to speak. She looked into the programme to see who was swimming next. She could accept other people's notions of fun, contrary to them.

Frederick had been mulling over her words. He suspected that the others might have the wrong opinion about his finances. He had not received any payments for swimming well; it had in fact cost him a lot of money instead. The system, he guessed, involved Anne paying for Mary's expensive cocktails, whereas Mary only needed to pay for Anne's orange juice or whatever she drank.

He glanced at the key still in his hand. If he went with them, he would be forced to spend rather more money than he wanted. He did not drink either -- at least, not today. He could not even drink, he remembered. He would need to drive back to Tom's house, because a taxi was a luxury he could not afford.

He dropped the key in Anne's lap. She looked up, surprised. "Not going?" she asked.

"Too old." Yes, he was too old for a children's disco where some of the older children were planning to be slightly tipsy. Ten years ago it would have been the height of excitement, but now it would only be boring.

He was not yet strong enough to correct the others' assumption that he was going. He found he could not even tell Louisa outright that he was not staying at the hotel. "106," he answered when she asked which room he was in.

Anne had stared. In fact, she was still staring when Louisa had long turned away in satisfaction. He knew why she stared and he quite agreed. "Someone is going to be very annoyed, I know," he said. "But at least it's not me."

She gave him an odd grimace and walked away. He did not know what to make of that. She clearly disapproved -- or maybe she had a race coming up. Nevertheless, he wished she would tell him what was on her mind rather than give him funny stares and grimaces.

Anne was not sure she disapproved at all, because he had implied he would be annoyed if Louisa knocked on his door. Or had he not? Had he simply meant to say he did not care?

She was imagining an excited Louisa -- perhaps already slightly inebriated -- knocking on the door of room 106. The only thing Anne knew about its occupant was that it was not Frederick. It might not be a good thing to knock on the door of a stranger after a few drinks. This worried her, until she told herself that 106 was very likely occupied by an elderly couple or someone equally harmless.

At any rate Frederick was not going out for drinks. He was too old, he had said, but that was not the true reason. It could be, but in that case he would have suggested that they avoid the party altogether to spend the entire evening in some pub. He had not done that, so he must want to avoid either the people or the drinks.

It was puzzling and she should not dwell on this before her race. She hoped Frederick would come by to motivate her again today, but it took only a few seconds before she felt completely sober again. She was swimming seven times this weekend. She could not see him do the same thing seven times, nor that it would actually work seven times. He would have to top it every time and there was no telling where that might end.

"Penny for your thoughts!" someone nearby spoke.

Anne was startled to see William had approached her unnoticed. She felt she might have been blushing a little and she blushed even deeper. "They're not worth revealing."

"I didn't see you at breakfast."

She raised her eyebrows. "At the hotel?"

"Yes. I never saw you."

"I -- well…" She had told him she would be staying there and it would now look as if she had lied if she said she had not stayed there at all, unless she revealed the entire truth. But that involved Frederick. "I didn't know you were staying there. You didn't say."

"I hadn't booked yet. I went there after you told me."

"Er. Oh." She hoped he had simply wanted the name of any hotel, although what with its being next door to the pool that should not really have been necessary. "Well, it turned out that I got invited to stay with people who…er…know my dad and sister. So that's where I stayed."

William gave a confused frown. Evidently he did not trust her story very much. "Right."

"Yes, but I didn't know that until I got to the hotel." Inwardly Anne cringed, because it sounded terribly lame. The story simply did not make sense if she left Frederick out, yet he could not be included.

"Will you go to the swimmers party?"

"No, my hosts have two small children," she said before she caught herself giving a fake excuse. "I mean, I don't like parties."

"Aww!" William exclaimed. "A little dancing? A little fun?"

She shook her head with resolution. "No, I'm not going. It's not my kind of fun."

"Aww!" he said again. "What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing much. It's just not my kind of fun. I hope you have fun, though, and that you'll swim well on Sunday."

"Ah, is that it?" he asked with a significant look. "You want to go to bed early to swim well!"

It was one of the reasons, although Anne did not think she would have gone had there not been a swim meet tomorrow. "Maybe. If you'll excuse me now, I have to get ready for my swim."

She discovered far too late that there was no using the lavatories in this swimsuit. It could not be put back on again after having been lowered, especially not if it was wet. She had to settle for standing under the shower, which made her feel rather self-conscious. She wondered how the others with these types of suits handled that matter.

Frederick passed her when she stood there and she looked away. He did not. "Have you swum already?" he asked. He seemed to regret that he might have missed it.

"No, I was -- never mind. Go away," Anne said with a blush. She had turned on the showers to either side of her as well, but she had not checked if that worked.

Her words only served to bring him closer. "What did that guy say?"

"Which guy? Oh, that guy. He wanted to know if I was going to the party and I said no. Why?" She wondered why he was interested at all. She had exchanged only a few words with William.

"Because you spoke to him and now you're acting very funny." He looked suspicious.

Anne was a little vexed. "I'm not acting funny. I have a new swimsuit and it never occurred to me that I cannot take it off easily during the meet to…to do stuff."

"To do something with this guy?"

"Oh!" she cried incredulously. "You are impossible! Is that -- is that why you peeked when I was changing?"

Frederick looked embarrassed. "No, I --"

"It was!" she deduced even more disbelievingly. "You are really impossible! And for your information, although you don't deserve a letter of it, I just peed in the shower and it had nothing to do with that guy."

Anne was quite vexed and agitated, but her anger translated itself into speed and she delivered another wonderful swim as a result.

Chapter Fifteen

Thinking she was displeased with him, Frederick kept himself out of Anne's way for the rest of the day. It was not that difficult to do for two people who were basically swimming the same programme. When one was preparing, the other was swimming. When one was cooling down, the other was still swimming and when that one got to cooling down, the other was already changing her wet swimwear.

For once they adhered strictly to the basic rules they had been taught by coaches. Anne rarely bothered to change after every race, mostly because she did not have enough dry swimsuits, but also because she did not think she really grew cold if she kept wearing her wet one. Now, her wet suit was simply impractical to keep on.

Frederick needed the solitude of the changing rooms to clear his head, although he was not particularly cold either. The talk of the party was bothering him. He was not going because Anne was not, he realised after his first race. If Anne had expressed any interest, he would have gone. He could not really understand why he felt that way. After all, they were not going to do anything together there.

Her opinion mattered, but he did not understand that either. She did not often express it and he might have been assuming she did not have one. She seemed content to live by the rules and decisions of others, even to let others take care of her personal effects -- he still had her cell phone and the key to her mother's car. Was Anne in charge of her own life if she was not even in charge of her own possessions?

That she had not asked the key back was not surprising, but he did not know why she displayed so little interest in her cell phone. What if her mother rang her on it? Did he have to answer it then? Would she expect him to?

She had asked him to answer the phone that morning, but there had been reasons for that. He could see why she had not wanted to pause her dressing -- especially not if he was looking on -- to answer a phone call from Sophia or James. She had been right to think it was one of them and the call had even been for him, although she could not have known that.

James had suddenly remembered that his company was still looking for someone in Frederick's field of expertise for an overseas position. That gave him even more to think about, although he had postponed that particular subject until Monday when he would be able to do more specific research into the position and the company. The weekend must not be very romantic if at nine in the morning James' first thought was of a potential job for his brother-in-law, but Frederick had not received a useful response to his question.

He thought about Anne again when he took her split times. She had not asked him. She had not even thanked him for taking them the day before. He wondered if she had found them at all. It made him scribble a short note on the slip of paper. Let me know you found this. She should have found the ones from her previous race -- he had scribbled those into the programme.

Maybe she was simply too independent to care. He explored that theory. Apart from her mother and now him, there was no one on whom she depended for anything. James should have a job for her. Then she would be able to get away from that mother. He had asked James, jokingly, but he would not tell Anne about that.

He folded his note and stuck it into her pocket again. There were two heats between Anne's heat and his, so he would have to stand here for six minutes pretending to be busy, but he did not know what to do. She was climbing out and she would come to pick up her jacket in a second and then what?

He should not even be here yet, but he had persuaded the girl in the marshalling area to give him his start card early. She had complied because he was Frederick Wentworth, of course, but now the well-known and charming Frederick Wentworth had no idea what to do. He stood here like a little boy swimming his first race, although he could only just stop himself from waving his arms like mad.

Anne walked nearer and he studiously bent over to touch his toes. He did not look until a pair of feet came into vision.

"Thank you," said someone touching his back very lightly.

He stood straight, his face red from having bent over. "For?" he asked stupidly.

"Taking my times. You wanted me to let you know."

Her sincere gratitude unsettled him. "Oh. Yes. Because yesterday…"

"I didn't," she nodded. "I was at first not sure who had taken them. Today's note still doesn't say who did, but I guessed. The others…"

"Not likely," he agreed.

She cast a look over her shoulder and obviously decided he needed to prepare himself. "I'll go get dressed and help Fiona. I'm not gone."

He wanted to know how she knew Fiona needed help, but he did not ask.

All competitors who wished to eat dinner at the pool had been able to buy coupons. Fiona was setting up tables in a large room off the hall. Anne did not know exactly what needed to get done, but she could tell that the two children were in the way. "Should I take them or should I help you?"

"Either would be much appreciated. I wonder where my help went, but isn't it always like that?" Fiona smiled and continued working.

"Always." Anne settled for helping with the heavy tables, because even if she kept the children busy, Fiona would still have some trouble. They had moved two without knocking the children over when Frederick appeared.

"Anne and I can do that," he said. "Leave the menial work to us, Fiona."

They had got half the tables in place when the first swimmers sat down. Anne stopped at thinking they were annoying, but Frederick did not mind telling them so. "Either you help us or you go back to where you came from until we're done in here," he barked.

"Wow," Anne commented when the poor teenagers fled the room. "They listened to you."

He had not expected otherwise. "There's no point in telling them something if you don't expect them to listen."

"If I'd said the same, they wouldn't have listened. I don't have an authoritative voice."

"No, you have --" But he cut himself short. "Anyway, girls with those kinds of voices are --"

"Are what?" Anne was curious.

"Never mind."

She was still curious, but she did not press on.

Dinner was nice. Even Mary was in good spirits because it was good food and Anne was almost reconsidering the party. She did not often go to such events and perhaps they were not as boring as she thought. But then she remembered their plan to have a few drinks in order to have more fun and she knew she should not go.

Given how the conversation was on film kisses now, it could only descend into more awful depths after a few drinks. Anne was barely paying attention. She had either not seen the films or she did not remember the kisses. Why would anyone do so? She was surprised that Frederick did, although if she listened more closely he was simply agreeing to what the others said and asking questions to keep the conversation going.

"So this guy, right?" Henrietta was saying. "He had not seen this girl for like a few years and then they get to the point where they are going to kiss and he looks down on her like --"

Anne saw that Frederick gave her a very quick glance. It was so quick that she might have imagined it.

"-- like damn, what part of her face am I supposed to kiss?" Louisa continued when Henrietta was unable to come up with a good description.

"What part?" Frederick inquired.

"I'm sure he knew what part," Henrietta told Louisa. "Everyone knows that. It didn't look like that. It looked like -- I don't know how I'm supposed to describe it. Like he'd missed kissing?"

"I'm sure he hadn't kissed her all those years ago. She was gaping like a fish because she didn't know what was coming."

"Oh, don't get into a fight over it," Frederick said amiably. "How about we act it out and you can try to describe it again?"

"What?" the sisters asked in unison.

"Oh, not with either of you," he clarified.

Anne had been listening in horror, but she could never have fathomed he would pull her from her seat. She could barely stand. She had been thinking he was going to kiss one of the girls.

He placed his arms around Anne but looked at Henrietta and Louisa. "We need an older, more experienced woman for that who knows what she's doing. Now direct us as if we were actors."

The two girls were gaping. "You're going to kiss Anne?"

"Well, you haven't actually said whether this guy ever got around to kissing the girl," Frederick said charmingly. "If he did, I suppose the answer is a yes."

"You don't need to go as far as the actual kissing part," said Louisa, who thought she was being kind to Frederick. "The part before it was what we were talking about."

"So direct us. I look as if I don't know which part to kiss and she looks as if…" he began in a helpful tone. "Only I do know which part to kiss, so I think Henrietta's suggestion was better. What was it again?"

Henrietta looked smug and all too eager to help. "Like he was a bit overcome and Anne should look as if she's really in need of a kiss."

"That shouldn't be too hard," was Louisa's opinion.

It sounded a bit mean and Frederick was determined to go as far as the kissing part, whatever they might say. "So…" he said and gazed into Anne's eyes. He did not know what to make of their expression and he was slow to lean in.

"Cut!" Louisa's voice sounded sharply. "We never got to see how long it lasted, but I doubt it was very long. Cut!"

"Was it all right or do we have to try again?" Frederick asked. He looked very innocent.

"No, it was like…enough. I'm sure Anne has had enough."

Anne had in fact not had enough, but she kept that to herself. She had no idea what Frederick was doing. He was having some fun at the expense of the girls, but she did not yet see how she fit in. There had been a moment when she thought he was sincere, but she had quickly replaced that with something more rational.

Chapter Sixteen

Dumbly Anne had sat down again to finish her meal. Where Frederick was concerned she really was this stupid and, as she had told Sophia, easy. She had let him kiss her. She would have preferred another setting and different circumstances for a kiss, but this would have to do. There was no telling whether it would be repeated in the future, but at least it had served a purpose in letting her know she had not been wrong about herself.

"It was not very nice of Frederick to shock you," Louisa told Anne reproachfully in a very low voice. "Couldn't you have told him no?"

She had just decided that she could not, but Louisa could not have read her mind. "Frederick seems determined to do as he pleases," Anne whispered back.

"But you didn't want your first kiss to be like that, did you? I wouldn't want it."

"My first kiss was not like that," Anne replied after a careful moment of thought. There was no reason to suspect Louisa of too much insincerity or cleverness. It might be genuine concern for her virginal lips. She would try to distract the girl a little, so they could abandon the subject of the kiss she could still feel.

Louisa gasped. "You kissed before? When was that?"

"When I was nineteen."

This was clearly considered absolutely unexpected and shocking. Louisa was appalled. "But if even you kissed at nineteen, I have to hurry!"

"Louisa." Anne was amused in spite of herself. It was certainly very embarrassing to do these things later than Anne. "Look where it got me. Don't hurry. It's not worth it."

"It wasn't good?"

"My memory is a bit fuzzy on the first one, but my point still stands. It got me nowhere." She smiled. Louisa must be able to see that. She had no boyfriend. Still, if not having one was not exactly what lost a girl points, it was definitely not having had a whole string of them.

"Fuzzy? How could it be fuzzy? I'm determined to have a wildly romantic first kiss," Louisa said dreamily. "One that I'll always remember."

"Your memory can even go fuzzy on those, because so many years after the fact, what does it matter how good or bad it was?" Anne did not think she would care for kissing skills. Other qualities were more important.

"Are you saying you don't care for kisses? That you underwent a kiss from Frederick Wentworth with a cold heart?" Louisa whispered in incredulity. "His hotness did not melt your coldness?"

She had to lie and smiled to cover it up. "No. Why do you think he chose me for the demo? He probably knows I'm not the type to melt to the floor, which would be rather inconvenient given that he was trying to settle that argument between you and Henrietta."

"Anne, you are an awful ice cube," Louisa decided. "You need to take a class on romantic dating."

Anne was unfazed. "Sure. Let me know if you find one."

"Why don't you and I clean up here while the girls go home with the children?" Tom suggested after dinner.

Frederick grasped this opportunity with both hands. He would not have to drive home with Anne and explain himself. This was much better, although it made them sound like two couples and that was faintly disturbing. "Great."

The other Kellynch swimmers, who listened only to what made sense to them, thought they would see him at the party when they got back from the pub and Louisa even wrapped herself around him to tell him he should not dance with anybody. He was not lying when he said he would not, but he was not truthful either. He was not going to be at the party at all.

Frederick and Tom cleared the room of plastic plates and food rests, so the disco could be held in a relatively clean environment. By the time they had carried all the bin bags to the container, he thought Anne might safely be ensconced in her attic. A glance at his watch told him he was stupid, because it was barely seven o'clock. She would not be in bed yet.

It was clever of Tom that he had not antagonised his helper before all the work was done, but the moment they got into the car, he could no longer battle his curiosity. "Do explain the love triangle to me."

"Which love triangle?" Frederick sounded genuinely confused by the question.

"You, the blonde and the ex."

"There's no triangle." He did not want to think about it. Who was the blonde? Louisa?

"It's called a love triangle when you kiss the ex when the blonde thinks it should have been her," Tom explained patiently.

Frederick looked ahead haughtily. "I did not kiss her. I was demonstrating something."

Tom had always thought Frederick was intelligent, but perhaps his judgement had failed him in this case. "Is the blonde your girlfriend?"

"No!"

"Maybe it's time to tell her she's not?" Tom suggested.

"I'm sure she knows, because there has never been anything between us to make her think she was." Frederick wrinkled his brow as he tried to interpret Louisa's behaviour in retrospect. Did she behave as if they were close? He thought it was simply her nature.

"Such as? A kiss?"

"For example." They had never kissed and he had never even wanted to.

"Then you're back with the ex," Tom stated with an evil grin.

"No!" He had not seen that one coming and he berated himself. He should have realised Tom would start arguing along these lines. He would have done the same himself if he was the other person.

"You've lost me there. If you'd kissed the blonde, she would have been your girlfriend. However, if you kiss the ex, she's not?"

"Right."

Anne behaved as if nothing had happened. Fiona had thankfully been too busy to mention the incident, although she had probably seen it. While she was sorting through her wet swimming bag in the attic, she heard Tom and Frederick come home. She heard a conversation on the floor below, but no particulars, and she heard cheering from the children.

It made her curious, but she found the bathroom door locked when she wanted to hang up her swimsuits. Presumably they were taking a bath. She asked Fiona about it when she got downstairs and she saw both parents there. The boys were too small to bathe on their own.

"Yes, Frederick wanted to bathe them," Fiona answered. She had joked he only wanted to play with their pirate ship and he had not denied it.

"Really?" Anne was surprised for a moment until she realised he would not have to sit with them if he was in the bathroom. He might consider it an advantage not to be around her, although he would not have offered to play with the boys if he did not like it.

"Tom, shouldn't you check if Frederick isn't murdering our boys?" Fiona asked in concern when there had been a dreadful racket upstairs for a few minutes.

He was busy putting today's results online and did not feel like checking. "Knowing our boys, we should probably check if they're not murdering Frederick. It's just the sound of boys playing."

"Hmph." Fiona was not convinced. "Should I look?"

"He can shout down if he's in danger," Anne said with a shrug.

"True. Hmph. Why didn't the two of you want to go to the party? Too many children?"

Anne considered the question. "I might have gone if there had been more people to talk to, but the ones I know were planning on drinking a little too much and I never like that. I don't know why Frederick didn't go." She supposed it was not because of the presence of children if he volunteered to play with them himself, although their age would matter.

"Because it's more fun to stay here," said Tom.

"Could I take a shower when the boys are finished?" Anne asked. "It was too busy at the pool."

This precluded the opportunity of talking to Frederick when he came out of the bathroom with the boys, because she would probably go upstairs directly when he came down.

"Did anybody get hurt?" Fiona had not forgotten her concerns.

"Yes!" her eldest boy cried very smugly. "All the navies are dead!"

"Navies?"

"I was the navy," Frederick explained. "And the pirates killed us all."

"So the bath is full of corpses?" wondered Anne, who had risen. "I was going to take a shower."

He looked a little sheepish. "Um, yes. It was difficult enough to dress two of them at once, let alone clear up. I was going to do that in a second when I go back to dress myself."

"Oh. You're not dressed?" Anne studied the towel around his waist. "Oh. I guess not."

Tom nearly fell off his chair laughing. "Maybe you spend too much time in swimming pools, Anne! What counts as being dressed there, doesn't count as such elsewhere."

That made Anne flee upstairs in embarrassment, though when she arrived there she remembered that Frederick would still have to tidy up. It was such a mess that even she would not volunteer to do it for him. Not only were there pirates and ships everywhere, but the sea on the floor was almost deep enough for the ships to float there was well.

She rolled up her towel and sat on the floor outside the bathroom. "I hope you brought a mop," she told him when he finally arrived upstairs.

There was another sheepish look. "Oh. I forgot to say it's a bit wet."

"A bit."

"It's going to take me an hour to clean up," he observed. "Would you like to wait with your shower till I'm done or would you like me to wait till you are done? If you were a boy I'd tell you I'd just remove all the playmobil stuff and you could close the shower curtain while you shower and I clean. But given how you looked this morning I doubt you'd think that a good plan."

Anne stared at him. She did not know how to react to being blamed for not liking his bad plans. "Well! You are full of good plans." It did not come out as sarcastically as she had intended it.

He misunderstood her and looked relieved. "All right. I'll clear the bath then and then it's yours."

It was madness, Anne felt, but she enjoyed her shower. Perhaps it was worse to have a row of little playmobil men and women peeking at her than Frederick. She did not know why he had left them on the edge of the bath, but to get away from their unblinking scrutiny she turned them all to face the wall.

When she peered past the curtain he was gone and she quickly dressed. He did not come back, though. Seemingly she had showered long enough for him to mop up the floor. She was shocked to notice the whole episode had taken her over half an hour.

The little boys were indeed in bed already when she got downstairs and she had just missed the start of a film. It was a better way to spend the evening than at a disco and she was glad she had decided not to go.

After the film Tom, Fiona and she went upstairs and they left Frederick to make up his bed. He had only said good night and because of the film he had not been able to say much else either, so Anne was still left to speculate on his intentions. Perhaps what he called good plans were in fact no more than that. They might have very little to do with intentions.

He could, if he had wanted, have coaxed her into much more than a demonstrative kiss. He could have done something about the showering, but he had not. He had not even flirted or otherwise let her know he might think it exciting. It was very strange and she wondered how they could end up in such dubious situations all the time in spite of that.

She would be lying if she said she minded. It was only the uncertainty that she minded, not the situations herself. If she thought of how Frederick had played with the boys, how he had let them make an awful mess that he did not mind cleaning up, she was almost sorry he had not showered with her.

Chapter Seventeen

In the middle of the night Frederick was reminded that he still had Anne's phone. He first wanted to ignore it, but it rang a second time two minutes later. He got it out of his bag and saw on the display that it was Mary. Knowing Mary, he felt no qualms about switching the phone off entirely. Then he went back to sleep.

He did not think of it again until Anne and he arrived at the pool and he did not see the other Kellynch swimmers. He had gone towards the bench they had sat on during the previous two days, but nobody joined him until Anne came out of the changing rooms.

"Where are they?" she asked.

He did not much care. "I don't know. Hung over?"

She would not like that, he noticed, but he could not help it if it was really true. "Oh, I forgot -- Mary phoned you sometime during the night. I switched off the phone."

"You didn't speak to her?"

"No." If she reproached him for that, he would tell her she should keep her phone with her and not leave it with him. He gave her the cell phone and watched her.

"Goodness. That's a lot of voicemails," Anne said in surprise when she checked. "I haven't got time to listen to them right now, though."

She took out her cell phone after her first race. The first voicemail was from Mary and from her sister's hysterical voice she deduced the others were from her as well. She could not make much sense of the message and summarised it for Frederick. "She asks me where my room is. Didn't any of them notice until then that I wasn't staying at the hotel?"

Frederick glared at her, but his glare was meant for Mary. "You cannot wonder why I didn't answer the phone."

"It must have been an emergency," she said in concern. Mary had sounded a little more hysterical than usual.

"Yes, they'd only remember you in an emergency," he said sarcastically.

Anne listened to her second voicemail. "Oh. Now she's discovered you're not in room 106."

"Who was in it instead?"

"Frederick…" she chided him in a soft voice. She listened to rest of the hysterical message. "They thought Louisa was in your room and now they think the two of you went somewhere together."

"You know I never went anywhere."

"I hope they found Louisa eventually, because things don't sound too good for the two of you." Mary was hysterical and Charles was apparently livid about his sister's disappearance.

Frederick thought Anne was not listening. "I never did anything with her!"

"I know that, but they didn't know it yet when they phoned. I'm trying to explain their state of mind to you. They want you to marry Louisa."

"Why? Because she went missing? They're crazy!"

"I know." Anne began to listen to the third voicemail. Her face turned serious. She listened through to the end without speaking and then listened to it again.

"What is it?" Frederick asked, more anxious than he liked.

"She had a bad fall. She's in the hospital. Louisa."

His eyes went wide. "What sort of bad fall?"

"Please. You have no idea how incoherent and hysterical these messages are. It's a wonder I'm understanding anything at all. I'll try the next voicemail." She was silent for a while as she listened. "All right. After they had raided the mini bar she had told Henrietta she was going to see you in room 106 and apparently she was wearing high heels. She rolled down the stairs."

"Good grief!" Frederick exclaimed. He began to feel guilty for having said he was in that room. "Who'd bring high heels to a swim meet? But how was she hurt?"

"Unconscious and a broken leg," Anne said gravely. She knew it could have been much worse. Louisa could have broken her neck.

"Shouldn't we go to the hospital?"

She shook her head. "Mary doesn't want us to." That was because they had not been there when it happened and they had left it to Mary and Charles to sort things out. It had aggravated her sister very much. Anne was not surprised by that reasoning, although she did not quite understand why visiting someone in hospital should be considered a privilege.

"Why not? Do they think I'm responsible?"

"The others are with her already, I expect. And she's unconscious. Look." She handed him her phone. She did not want to consider whether he was responsible. Not right now. "Listen to the messages if you like. I need to tell Tom that none of them are swimming today."

"But what about us?" he asked as she walked away.

She turned. She was shocked, but not personally affected. She could swim. If there had not been anybody with Louisa, she would have gone to visit her, but in this case that was unnecessary. "I have no reason not to swim. She's unconscious. Her brother will be with her. I'd only be in the way." If Frederick considered himself close to Louisa he would want to visit, but she would not ask him if he was.

Frederick did not speak to Anne at all on the drive back. He had given her the key and she had had to drive. Although she did not drive well enough to look at him often, she had seen he looked withdrawn and upset. If he did not want to share what was bothering him -- although she could guess at some of it -- she would not ask any questions. She left him alone.

He had not asked to be taken to the hospital and Mary had rung again to say Louisa had a concussion but that they were not welcome because they would be in the way, yet she was displeased to hear they had stayed until the end of the swim meet. Perhaps she would have preferred them to be outside the hospital begging to be let in.

"Wouldn't you be of more use there than Mary?" was all Frederick had asked before they had left, but to that she could reply that she was not wanted there, even if she did agree. She felt sorry for Louisa, whose condition was not going to be improved by having someone like Mary around.

Anne dropped him off at his house, where he left the car with a curt thank you. She did not know how much his mood had been affecting her own until she let out a sigh and her hands relaxed.

Louisa's accident made him feel guilty and responsible. Nobody had said it was his fault, but he thought so nevertheless. Anne was not yet decided on the matter herself. He was not directly responsible, but things he had said had influenced Louisa's behaviour. Then again, nobody could ever have known that this would happen.

That she would try to impress Frederick might have been predictable, even that she would have a few drinks, but wearing high heels did not automatically lead to bad falls. That she had fallen because she had wanted to see Frederick should not play any role, nor that if he had been truthful she would not have gone down the stairs. Anne shuddered as she imagined a tipsy Louisa driving to Tom's house.

Frederick had not asked her what she thought, so he might be fearing her opinion, even if she had not spoken any harsh words to him at all. It had been a long time since she had seen him so serious.

She went home and went through the tedious business of unpacking her bags, rinsing her swimsuits and throwing her towels into the laundry basket. Then she was alone again with nothing to do. She could not help but think of his behaviour towards her now. She had not thought of it in all the consternation and distress. She had put whatever she could feel aside.

Perhaps she should still do that. He did not deserve more censure.

He had been ignoring the doorbell, even the phone, but Anne knew he was there. It took some shouting through the letterbox to get him to open the door.

"Stupidity manifests itself one way or another. Your help is not required," she announced.

"Er…" Frederick looked puzzled.

"It's not your fault," Anne clarified. "I came to tell you that."

"I'm afraid people will tell me it is. If I'd been stronger…"

Her resolutions crumbled. She stepped inside and kissed him.

He was very happy to be kissed by Anne, but when he found they had somehow gravitated towards the foot of the stairs, he pulled back. "We can't go any further than this." There were previous partners and contraceptives to consider and he could not bring himself to ask her about either. He was wondering why he thought of them now, because they had certainly not crossed his mind eight years ago. It was, however, too acute a thought to continue.

She looked back at him, but she said nothing.

"Could you go home, Anne?" It took all of his strength to ask that, but he must. This was not the right time.

Although her resolutions had crumbled earlier, she formed some new ones. "No. I'm done with your using me."

"If you stayed I'd be using you." He wanted a distraction, but it was not fair to use Anne as one.

"Well, I have needs too." Anne indignantly climbed the stairs, but someone rang the doorbell.

What with Anne speaking of having needs, Frederick contemplated not answering the door, but the light was on inside and he could probably be seen. It was his brother. "What are you doing here?" Frederick asked brusquely. "I'm not in the mood for visitors."

Edward looked breathless and distressed. "It's Sophia. She's in the hospital."

He paled. All the bad things were coming at once. "What? When? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"You didn't answer the phone."

Frederick felt even more guilty. Because he was busy he had let it ring a few times indeed, thinking it might be people he did not want to speak to, such as the Musgroves. He had kept himself busy to have an excuse not to answer it, but he could not remember what he had done. "No."

"I'm going to visit, but I don't want to go alone," said Edward. He seemed to want to go instantly. "Are you coming?"

"What's wrong with her?" Frederick's stomach knotted together in agony.

Edward uncharacteristically let out some strong language, but he swallowed it quickly enough. "He didn't tell me! He can't use his cell phone and he was out of coins. You have to come with me, Frederick."

Frederick inhaled deeply. "I hope she's all right."

"I hope so too. Are you coming?"

Frederick had sat down on the stairs and clung to the banisters.

Edward spoke on. "Frederick? Do you have a car? I came by bus. There's a car outside. Is that yours?"

Anne came down the stairs. She forgot about her needs. They were unimportant at the moment. "It's mine. My mother's."

Edward was startled. Apparently he had not looked up at all. "Who are you?"

"Anne. Which hospital?" she asked, but Frederick's brother came to the devastating realisation that he had no idea. She looked from one crumpled heap of a boy to the other. Someone needed to take charge here. "No matter. Visiting hours will be over anyway. What you should do is get some sleep and wait for a phone call so you can visit tomorrow morning."

"But she may be dying!" The brother was more capable of speech than Frederick.

"Did James say she was in the hospital or that she was dying?" James, she thought, was not the type to be unclear in a serious situation. If he had run out of coins before he had delivered his entire message and he had not rung again, he must have thought his truncated message was clear enough.

"That she was in the hospital."

She felt a little relief. "Then she won't be dying."

"How can you be sure?"

"Semantics. Maybe that was all he could say at the time because he didn't know any more himself? He took her to the hospital, but it was obviously not so serious as to start his message with what is ailing her. What's your name?" She hated to sound as if he was a little boy, but he behaved like one. He must be around her age, though, and probably older.

"Edward."

"Edward and Frederick, why don't we all stay here for the night and await a phone call?" Anne did not think she could leave them here alone. They might go out in the middle of the night and visit hospitals nearby. She thought Sophia might be in one closer to the hotel she had been staying in, but she would have to look up where that was.

Chapter Eighteen

After Anne had set Edward and Frederick to work on fixing something to eat, she inspected the bedrooms to see where they could sleep. Sobered up by Edward's arrival and the utter helplessness of the two men, Anne reflected on what Edward had interrupted. She should be thankful he had come. What had been her intention in luring Frederick upstairs? It was just as well that it had never succeeded, because she was not sure how she would have felt afterwards. So many things were not settled. They had kissed, but they had not talked. It would have been madness to take it further.

There were two bedrooms with beds: one with a double and one with a single bed. The latter belonged to Frederick and Anne could not help looking a little more closely. It was obvious that he did not plan to stay here forever, because the room was full of unpacked boxes. Clothes were strewn across the floor and draped over the boxes, but there was very little else.

One person could sleep there and two in the master bedroom. The division was clear -- Frederick and Edward in the double bed and she in the single. Before they had left James or Sophia had stripped all the beds and washed the bed linen. They had apparently had enough time to throw it back onto the beds, but not to make them, so Anne quickly made Frederick's bed. The boys would have to make their own. She always particularly disliked making a double bed, because it required an arm span she did not possess.

These household matters had taken her thoughts temporarily off Frederick, although making his bed brought him to mind again. They might have gone here, to his room, yet for all her bravura and talk of needs Anne did not think much would have happened. She derived some comfort from knowing she had common sense. Even if it went missing at times, it was never for long.

Frederick had asked her to go away. She had not yet analysed that. At the time she had only thought it was yet another example of being used -- being kissed and then dismissed -- but now she wondered what he could have meant. He had said he would be using her if she stayed.

He did not want to do anything if his heart was not in it and it was not. That was the painful conclusion and Anne took a moment to deal with it. She accepted it, saw his restraint as admirable, but then she doubted it. He had not kissed her as if he did not care about her, she thought, but she might not have enough kissing experience to know that for certain.

The best thing was not to think of Frederick in relation to love or kissing at all. It would be selfish, considering all the people who were in hospital. She wondered what was wrong with Sophia. Frederick and James could not both be suspecting incorrectly. Sophia might be, or might have been, pregnant. Anne hoped nothing had gone wrong with that, yet Sophia had never revealed any else regarding her health. Anne did not suppose she had fallen down the stairs in high heels either.

She went downstairs and was pleasantly surprised that Frederick and Edward had managed to prepare something. Perhaps they were all too eager to keep their minds off worrying, although there were three phones on the table: hers, Edward's and the home phone.

"Shall we eat and go to bed?" she suggested. She did not know if they could sleep, but they certainly would not be able to chat either. They might all be better off trying to get some sleep. Swimming all weekend had been tiring enough without all these worries. When there was no answer, she spoke on. "You two should sleep in their bed and I --"

"I'm not going to sleep in their bed," Frederick said instantly.

"I have put clean sheets on the bed. Would you want me to share their bed with Edward? There are only two beds and one is a double."

"No, you can't share with Edward. He's married."

"Married?" Anne gave him a glance. His helpless distress somehow made that surprising. And he had come here alone.

Edward nodded. "My wife is at home with the baby. And the dog."

"Baby," she repeated. "Frederick?"

"Don't call me baby," he said crabbily, feeling embarrassed in front of his brother, who would wonder about this appellation -- or at least he would do so in a relaxed state of mind.

Anne managed to remain patient. "I'm not calling you baby. I was wondering about what you said about Sophia on our way to Lyme."

He looked anxious immediately. "That she could be pregnant? Do you think there was a problem? A miscarriage?"

"I know as little as you do, but it's the only health-related thing she's ever told me -- that she was trying to conceive." They might have prepared something to eat, but they showed no inclination to provide plates. She started opening kitchen cupboards. "But does one even go to the hospital if it goes wrong in the early stages? I don't know."

They did not know either and for a while they concentrated on eating. Then Frederick spoke. "But you can't sleep in my bed." He had been giving it some thought and concluded that if he was to share the double bed with his brother, Anne would take his bed. This did not make him feel comfortable.

"And I can't sleep with Edward either, so must I go home again and leave you two to do foolish things?" She ought to be able to trust them, but she could not.

"Why are you staying here anyway?" He looked suspicious.

"I have nothing better to do." And, of course, because she loved Frederick and liked Sophia.

"Is your mother not back yet?" He supposed that if her mother called, she would come running. The mother must still be away.

"Tomorrow, maybe. But I don't have to be home when she gets there."

"I think you should share the bed with us," Frederick said boldly. "You never know if we might run off."

"You do not know what you want." First he had told her to leave and now this. It was a bit inconsistent of him.

Anne imagined James phoning. They would all three want to hear what he had to say -- the boys for emotional reasons and she for practical ones. They would all want to be near the phones and not knowing which number he might ring, those could not be split up. The only way to accomplish that would be to sleep in the same room, but there was no space for an extra mattress. Frederick would get his way. "Fine. Go upstairs to make the bed while I clean up here."

They obeyed. They had done everything she had told them to do so far and she should seriously reconsider whether nobody ever listened to her.

The bed was made when she came upstairs and Edward was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. It reminded Anne that she would have to borrow a toothbrush and something to sleep in. "May I borrow a t-shirt?" she asked Frederick.

"One of mine?" He was astonished by the question. "Of course. They're in my room."

She gave him a patient look. "You're the only one whose permission I could ask. If you said no, I could borrow one of Sophia's, because I'm sure she wouldn't mind, but still. And use your toothbrush?"

"Sure. When Edward is done with it."

Frederick watched her leave the room. Since they were not going to do anything now, he would not need to ask the questions he had thought of earlier. He was still thinking of them, though. Eight years ago they had not occurred to him at all.

He wondered what would have happened if Anne had got pregnant then. She would not have dumped him then. He did not think she would have, but they would have been far too young and poor to raise a child properly. Had she thought of that? He had obviously never cared to find out and she might have been too shy to tell him.

However, he could not ask a question about the past without either of them thinking of the present. If he asked, she might think it was a roundabout way of asking her what she did nowadays and that was partly true, but he had no right to ask about the present. Or did he? She had begun to go upstairs, after all.

He struggled some more with this matter, even after Edward indicated he could use the bathroom. Eventually he decided it was not tactful to bring up the subject when it was not strictly relevant. It would save both of them some embarrassment and distress.

Anne was the last to get into bed. The boys had left little room for her and she did not know how she was to get any sleep. "It's been a long time since I did this, but there was more room then."

"Did what?" Frederick asked sharply. He liked Anne in his t-shirt, but she should not speak of having done this before.

"Share a bed with two others. My sisters."

"Oh." He breathed a sigh of relief -- until she got into the bed and she came very close. This had been one of his less brilliant ideas. He tried to move towards Edward, but his brother shoved him back. He was stuck.

"Where are the phones?" asked Anne. This was crucial information. The boys had taken them upstairs, but apparently none of them had rung.

"They are on your side of the bed, because Frederick didn't want them to be on my side," Edward replied.

Anne gave them a glance. "Hmm. Am I going to be squashed under your combined weight if one rings?"

"I'll be gentle," Frederick told her, but his voice was far from gentle. Anne should not say such things! He had never known she was such a tease.

"The idea was that neither of us could answer them," Edward cut in. "Frederick says you --" But he broke off when he felt a hard kick.

"What?" Anne asked.

"You are neutral," he said curtly.

"All right." She was a little mystified and switched off the bed light.

It was strange sleeping beside Frederick, trying not to touch him but failing because there was not enough space. She would have a difficult time sleeping.

Somehow she had managed to fall asleep anyway, because bleeping woke her. Leaving the phones on her side of the bed had been wise -- not only was she neutral, but she was the only one who heard them. It was Edward's that bleeped, but its very modest sound only woke Anne. She was briefly in doubt, but there was time enough to wake the boys if the message warranted it. It was an incoming text.

At the risk of reading something private, she checked. It was from James and seemed to have been delayed. It was a very informative message: the name of the hospital, town, room number and precise visiting hours. But not what the boys would like to hear most, other than the implication that their sister was not dead.

She contemplated texting back, but at this hour she was not likely to get a reply, certainly not if James slept as soundly as these two here.

Frederick woke. He had almost forgotten about his sister, but then he noticed Edward and Anne were beside him and it all came back to him with a start. He leant over Anne to look at the phones. It was very nice to lean on Anne, but she did not agree.

"Get off me," she said sleepily.

Chapter Nineteen

The absurdity of the situation suddenly struck Frederick and even more so that he had been the one responsible for it. It was highly embarrassing to be leaning on Anne in more senses than the literal. He had gone and lived abroad, had arranged this all by himself and had managed to get by without much help. If he had managed to live on after his parents' death, why should he start being weak now?

But he had not entirely been without help before. Sophia had been there for him, often from a distance but never gone. Now, something was the matter with her. He kept his voice even. "Were there any messages?"

Anne got out of bed. She did not want to be stuck under or beside Frederick, however gently he attempted to lean over her. What must Edward be thinking? It was amazing that he had not said anything about Frederick's wish to share a bed. He had been too worried last night and might be more clearheaded and critical this morning, something they all ought to be. "James texted Edward. The visiting hours of the hospital, but not the…why. Nothing about that."

"When? Why didn't you wake us?"

She shrugged, knowing she could not have spared him that brief moment of anxiety, but at least he had had a good night's sleep now. "Visiting hours. It's not as if we could have gone directly. Not until eleven o'clock." She bit her lip as she made a decision. "I'm going to shower. You discuss with Edward if you want to go, all right? And if you need the car."

Frederick was left to read the message and to share it with Edward, who had woken up because they were talking.

"Why doesn't it say what the problem is?" Edward fulminated.

"Anne would say it wasn't serious if he didn't care to mention it," Frederick said hesitantly. Sophia was of course not her sister, but Anne had not been overly worried.

"If it's not serious they don't keep you in a hospital. And who's Anne? Is she your girlfriend?"

"No."

"No? What did I interrupt when I got here?" Edward did not understand any of it.

"Nothing." Frederick got out of bed as well after seeing they had three hours until the visiting hours in Bath. Why was Sophia in Bath? He did not ask the question, because Edward would only reply that her condition was too serious for her to be moved home.

He listened to the sound of the shower running. That was a no-go area for the time being, so he would have to go to the kitchen if he wanted to do anything. What was Anne? He asked himself the question as he went downstairs. She was his former girlfriend, but he was not sure how Edward would react to that description. His brother might ask when and then say it was too long ago to count as anything. It should be too long ago, but it was not.

Anne had not slept terribly well; three to a bed made it a bit crowded, especially if two of the three had the broad-shouldered physique of a swimmer. Still, there had been a sort of pyjama party feel to it all and she had been glad to find that Frederick did not snore. He slept like a gentleman. She had had fleeting memories of the past, but none that troubled her. It was as if this Frederick was both the same and another.

His helplessness puzzled her. As she had known him and as she still did, he was confident and assertive. He could do everything she could not, or had she been mistaken about that? He was certainly not very confident now and he was far from taking charge. His sister must mean a lot to him.

She contrasted his behaviour to his reaction to Louisa's accident. There was a difference, she would say. He had been silent and withdrawn then, but not lost. Still, he had been affected enough for her to wonder how much he liked Louisa.

She ran into Edward she exited the bathroom. Suddenly she wondered how he could be here. "It's Monday morning. Have you informed your work and your wife?" She cringed inwardly at having to ask the question, but he had not shown much presence of mind the night before.

"Right. I should let my wife know I stayed over."

Anne said nothing. The wife had probably guessed that and if it were not for the baby and the dog, she would have come with Edward. It must be difficult to have three dependants of three such different species.

"Could you drive? I need to make a phone call," Anne said when they left the house. She held out the key. They had finished breakfast in a good time and she thought there was no need to rush. She could leave the driving to one of them and they could even take a wrong turn. There was time for that.

Frederick did not think he was being given much of a choice. He must take the key if he wanted to or not. "All right. Are you calling James?"

"No, I'm calling Charles."

"Charles?" Charles was another man. Well, James was another man too, but Frederick knew James had never fancied Anne, an absolving condition that did not apply to Charles. The man must therefore be suspected.

"I could call Mary, but I think Charles might be able to give me a better account of how Louisa is doing." She had not forgotten their team mate. Although they were not allowed to visit, she felt she should check through some other means what the girl's condition was.

Although Frederick pretended to be focusing on the drive, he kept the music turned off and his ears strained to catch what Anne was saying. She was in the backseat, so it was nearly impossible to hear her voice. It was probably the only moment that he wished her voice resembled a foghorn, he reflected wryly.

"Hi Charles, it's Anne. Yes. No, I wasn't home. Somewhere else. I wanted to know how Louisa was doing. Okay. Yes. Yes. Oh? No, I won't be able to. I'm not home. No. All right. Yes. Bye."

"Well?" Frederick knew he was quick, but he could not restrain himself.

"It's still the same as last night." Last night they had understood that her condition was not good, so Anne wondered how he would feel about that. He said nothing, however.

Anne contemplated leaving the boys at one hospital while she went to the other -- after visiting Sophia, naturally -- because such a thing might be expected of her. She had been vague to Charles, though, because she had not been able to promise anything. She had sensed some incomprehension and disapproval when she had said she was not home.

Someone needed to look after the Musgrove children, both Charles' siblings and his own offspring. She would never have suspected Charles of asking her, so she assumed either Mary or Mrs Musgrove was behind it. It would be simpler if one of them went home, but thankfully Anne had not needed to be so confrontational as to suggest this. She felt some mild discomfort at being considered an extension of Mary, but again she was thankful for having phoned Charles and not Mary -- now that she had something better to do it would surely have come to a confrontation between her and her sister.

Fortunately Edward could read maps and they never took a wrong turn. They arrived at the hospital in Bath in good time and were even a little too early for the visiting hours. Anne wondered whether she should call on her father and Elizabeth after their visit here, but she decided against it. They would not feel slighted if they found out she had been here, which they would very likely not. The coincidence of the location made it a point of consideration, however.

The boys were looking for the lifts, but Anne was studying the directions to the different wards and floors. She found the required number easily and she began to smile. The boys had not seen it, of course, agitated as they were. She ran after them and tried to calm them as they fiercely attacked all the lift buttons. "There's no hurry. Truly."

They did not understand her and looked at her stupidly and she dismissed the idea of explaining it to them. Things might still have gone wrong, even if she felt they had not. She took the opportunity of studying Frederick as the lift travelled upwards. He had improved today -- he had made breakfast and driven them here, without suggesting any ridiculous plans. She smiled at the idea of more idiotic plans; she loved him, stupid plans included.

Edward caught her smile and she blushed. Quickly she looked away. He was not in a mood to wonder, but she should not give him hints either. There was nothing more humiliating than unreasonably being in love with someone who was indifferent and who was only looking for affection when times were distressing.

The lift reached the right floor and they got off. Anne left it to the boys to figure out whether they needed to go left or right. She watched them closely to see if they realised where they were. It would be very bad if they did not, but they realised it at almost the same moment.

Edward looked at Frederick and Frederick looked at her. "Why didn't he say so?" he said in agitation. "I'm going to knock him --"

She seized his arms. "You are not going to knock anyone or anything. Where is her room?"

Edward had looked. "To the left."

They hesitantly entered Sophia's room, but they did not have to be so careful, She sat up instantly with a beaming smile, which was tempered only briefly by a grimace of discomfort. "So James finally got through to you!"

"Finally?" Her brothers approached her and kissed her. "What do you mean?"

"He sent Edward an SMS yesterday evening and he tried to ring you too, Frederick, but you weren't home. He couldn't use his cell phone because they're not allowed inside and of course he wanted to stay inside with me. Then he rang Edward again, but Edward had gone to see you and then visiting hours were over, so he had to go to his hotel and well, I haven't heard from him since." Sophia paused to catch her breath. "I was hoping someone would show up at eleven, but I wasn't counting on it."

Behind the boys Anne had moved to the other side of the bed. Men always missed the obvious, be it huge signs hanging from the ceiling or cots.

"You're not even expecting James?" Frederick was ready to knock him over the head again.

"He promised to come as soon as he could, but he had some shopping to do and I have no idea what time the shops open and if he had enough time to find everything on the list." Sophia had seen Anne, but she had had too much to say to her brothers first. "Hi Anne."

"Aww…but you didn't know!" It was incomprehensible to her how someone could not have noticed. Even she should have seen something when they had gone swimming.

"Looking back, I did not want to know," Sophia said dryly. "But the only disadvantage is that we have nothing, which is why James is shopping. What are you doing here?"

Anne knew that was mere curiosity, yet she did not want to satisfy that completely. "I have a car at my disposal."

"Ah."

"How did it go?" Anne asked when Sophia still looked curious. "How did it begin?"

"Well, we had some fun on our romantic weekend -- which wasn't as romantic as Frederick thought, but mostly relaxing -- texting you. I don't think you answered, though. It sounded more like Frederick. Anyway, we were having some fun and doing nothing and then suddenly on Sunday morning…"

"No details," Frederick begged. "You can tell Anne the details while we go and buy something for you in the gift shop, all right?"

"You have not even looked yet!"

They dutifully glanced into the cot. "But there is nothing to be seen. It's all covered up and what is it anyway?" Edward asked.

"A girl. All right, go and buy me something and she might have woken when you get back. I'll treat Anne to the details if she doesn't mind."

"I don't," Anne assured her with a smile. They looked at the boys leaving the room. "We didn't know what you were in the hospital for. They were very worried, so maybe they just need to unwind."

Sophia was not concerned. "Oh, definitely. They'll be more interested when they get back. I know them. Wow, for thinking I might not get any visitors at all, I certainly get many this morning," she said when a doctor walked in and came to her bed.

Anne had turned her head towards the movement, but she had not expected to recognise the man. It was William.

Chapter Twenty

"Hello Mrs…" William checked the chart. "…Croft. Hi Anne! I didn't expect to see you here. Would you mind me checking Mrs Croft in private?"

"Er…of course not." Anne was still a little stunned as she got up. Because William closed the curtain around the bed, she wandered into the corridor. It was such a coincidence to meet him here, but she hoped he would be gone by the time Frederick returned. Somehow she did not think he would like seeing William, but seeing him talk to her even less. He did not seem to like any attention she received from other men. It was a sudden thought, but it seemed to fit with his behaviour. He had been suspicious of her phoning Charles as well. She wondered why. Did he not like the other men? Or was he jealous?

Anne wondered what a jealous Frederick meant. He might not like anybody to have what he could not, or he might want her back. She was not certain she could go so far as to believe the latter. If he wanted her back, he did not make enough of an effort to convince her he liked her.

She became interested in some posters, not knowing how long it would take for the doctor to check Sophia. She was still looking when Sophia walked towards her.

"Forgive the strange outfit," Sophia said, feeling a little self-conscious. "But I hadn't counted on being hospitalised. He's gone. You can come back. I asked the doctor where he knew you from and he said a swim meet."

"Yes."

"He seemed to like you." In fact, he had asked Sophia some innocent questions about Anne and it had only been his bleeper that had prevented him from waiting for her return, especially when Sophia had replied negatively to his question if she was the girlfriend of one of the brothers she mentioned. She had thought it a dubious question.

"Oh," Anne replied blankly. She was not exactly surprised, but she did not know how she ought to react. She was still indifferent to William. He was nice, but nothing more.

"But come back to my room. I need to ask you about Frederick and your room." Sophia pulled her back. She had seen her brother give Anne some awkward glances that had intrigued her. Anne, of course, had not noticed them, but there was definitely more than met the eye.

"You certainly don't walk as if anything happened," Anne observed.

"Well, it was a small girl," she said dismissively, not liking that she was distracted from her topic.

Anne did not know whether a small baby made matters very much easier. "But…"

"It happened yesterday. If you'd asked me yesterday I might have said something else." They had reached the room again and Sophia climbed back into her bed. "Frederick?"

Anne turned away to pull up a chair. She prepared her reply before she turned back. "He had arranged something else. We stayed with friends of his. He stayed in the living room and I slept in the attic."

"No!" Sophia was incredulous.

"Yes!"

"But when we sent you an SMS…"

"We hadn't gone to bed yet then. And yes, he replied to it. I didn't understand the question." Anne tried to look very indifferent and innocent. She did not want to say she could have misunderstood the question.

"I don't see why he wanted you to stay with his friends as well." Sophia was puzzled by that, especially because they would have been separated much better by staying under two different roofs.

"I don't see that either," Anne said with a shrug. "But he has nice friends. And Louisa rolled down the hotel stairs because of her high heels and ended up in the hospital, so…" She did not finish her sentence. Should she be glad she had not stayed in the hotel with them? Perhaps she was, but it would not sound kind to say so.

Sophia's eyes widened. "Louisa?"

"Yes, Saturday night. She has a concussion and a broken leg. None of them swam today, except Frederick and me. We haven't been to see her, though. Her family were there."

Sophia understood her correctly. "Nobody would think you had to. Did you say high heels?"

Anne grimaced. "I did."

"Yes. Well. I'll tell James to buy her a card." She shook her head as if to close the subject. "So you did not sleep with Frederick? Er, in the same room," she added glibly.

It made Anne blush fiercely nevertheless. "No. But how could you have a baby without knowing you were pregnant?"

"Being stupid helps. If I look back now, I realise I should not have told myself about every sign that it was probably something else. And if James had opened his mouth I may have know sooner as well, like last week." She laughed mockingly. "He suspected something, but he had no idea she was ready to come out. Yesterday morning, though, she really wanted to and I got terrible cramps. He took me to the hospital eventually and they told me I was in labour."

"Shock!"

"Yes, my first thought was 'but we need to go shopping first!' But James is doing that now. One of the nurses gave him a shopping list."

"He's back," Anne said after a glance out of the room. She had heard footsteps and they were coming towards this room.

"Hello, hello!" he said as he came in. "I hate shopping! I had to keep asking what everything was, but I think I have most of it." He kissed Sophia and then looked into the cot. Only after that could he look at Anne. "Hi Anne. How did you end up here?"

"I drove Frederick and Edward over."

"Good! It was very difficult to get hold of them. Only two family members to notify and I couldn't even reach them! I had to go outside to phone Edward since his number is in my cell phone and I didn't want to stay out there until he finally answered, and Frederick wouldn't pick up the phone." He pulled a second chair towards the bed and sat down to catch his breath. He felt as if he had been running all morning.

"You could have called me," said Anne. She was amused at how he spoke almost as quickly as Sophia had done when they had first come in. There was too much to tell at once.

"Your number is in my cell phone as well and I had no reason to think Frederick might be at your house on Sunday evening."

"No, he wasn't," she agreed.

The baby woke and all attention was on her for the next few minutes. Anne was glad for it. She might not be asked to explain how she had ended up driving the boys. "Are they always this small?" she asked nervously when James wanted to give the baby to her.

"Usually they are a little bigger, I think, but she's not exceptionally small or she wouldn't be allowed to sleep here."

"Aww…" Anne gazed down at the tiny face. "She's adorable."

Sophia smiled proudly as she sorted through James' purchases. "Darling, can you get some scissors so we can cut off the price tags? The nurse borrowed some baby clothes from a woman next door," she explained to Anne. "But of course she will want them back. Oh, James?"

He was almost out of the room. "Yes?"

"Could you also ask the nurse to help me undress the baby? She is so small!"

Anne looked at the little thing and thought she would probably want to be helped too, or at least taught how to do it.

Edward and Frederick came back when James had left. They carried a gift each and Sophia was delighted. She did not even care what they had bought, or even that they had told her beforehand that they were going to buy something. She would be happy with anything.

James returned with the nurse and a pair of scissors. For a while they were busy with the baby and Anne watched it all with a mixture of amusement and discomfort. Sophia certainly mocked her own lack of skills and experience in a very amusing manner, but Anne could not help but feel an intruder. She was not family and her vague connection to Frederick bothered her. She would like to leave them alone, but Edward and Frederick had come here with her and they would have to go back with her as well, she supposed.

The nurse shooed the visitors away when the baby needed to nurse. The four of them stepped into the corridor together and Anne felt even more uncomfortable. Any moment she expected one of them to turn towards her and ask her what she was doing here.

They did not.

"Let's grab a cup in the corner there," James suggested, gesturing at some coffee tables.

"How can you not know you're pregnant?" wondered Edward, who was the father of an infant himself.

"Good question. I thought she might be a few weeks along, not eight and a half months, or whatever they thought she was along." He handed out cups of coffee and they sat down in turn. "Do you have any stuff you no longer need, Edward?"

"I suppose. I'll have a look for you when I get home. We're still using the big stuff, though."

"Make me a list before I buy anything. I'm not leaving Bath until they can go home with me, so I have some time."

They discussed who should buy what and when, and Anne stared into her coffee cup. She would like to offer her assistance, but she was neither very knowledgeable about very small babies nor part of the family. Yet it was clear that James and Frederick, at least, knew less than she did. Edward knew more, but he had the disadvantage of living further away.

She was glad the boys had recovered from their helplessness. They were now thoughtful and quick, quite a contrast to the evening before. Perhaps that was another reason why she no longer felt needed. This got her to think that she really was not needed anywhere at all and she felt a little sad.

"Anne!" William's voice called out. "I never thought I'd see you again so soon. Have you recovered from all your hard events?"

The sound reached her, but she needed a few seconds to make sense of his words and to raise her head. He stood behind James and Edward and she saw them turn their heads in interest. "Oh. Er. Yes. Thanks."

"Where will you swim next?"

"Er. I don't know yet. I don't swim all that many competitions anymore."

"Did you know I train with your father and sister?"

She was shaken out of her apathy now and she stared at him in amazement. "You do?"

"Yes, I didn't realise it until I got home. Damn, I said, that must be Elizabeth's sister!" He grinned at her, as if it automatically turned him into a close friend.

"We're not at all alike and we don't even swim for the same club, so I'm not at all surprised you didn't realise it sooner," Anne said politely.

"But you look a little like her, don't you?"

"I don't know. I don't look into the mirror much."

William looked astonished. He wanted to say something, but his bleeper went off. He checked it and looked disappointed. "Sorry. I'm needed. See you around, I hope."

James waited until the doctor was far enough away. "That was a bit of a slime ball, wasn't it? I saw Frederick doesn't like him."

Frederick turned a modest shade of red. "I have no opinion."

"He's the doctor who just looked at Sophia," Anne said, although nobody had wanted to know.

"That proves my point. Which man would choose that as a job?" James asked. "I hope you don't like him, Anne, although he certainly likes you."

It was Anne's turn to blush. "I exchanged a few words with him in a pool, that's all. And he spoke to me first."

When I Was Nineteen ~ Section IV

By Lise

Beginning, Previous Section, Section IV

Jump to new as of October 19, 2007

Chapter Twenty-One

At twelve, the end of the visiting hour, Anne took Frederick home in the car, while Edward went home by public transport. Frederick, armed with a bag of things James had bought that morning and a list of what to buy at home, let out of deep sigh. How on earth would he know what to look for in a cot? What he would really like to do was ask Anne for help, but when he was thinking this over he realised he could not. They were all taking too much from her and they were giving back very little. It was such a mess.

"Do you need help buying some of that?" she asked. She had seen him take out the note and stare at it with a helpless frown.

"No," he said emphatically, although he had no clue, no car and probably no cash either. "I mean it'd be much appreciated, but I cannot ask it of you."

"I don't mind."

"But when will someone do something back for you, do you think?" There was an edge to his voice.

Anne did not know when someone would do her a favour. She did not need them and she would have said so if he had not sounded so strange. Now she remained silent. He did not approve of her character.

"The company James works for has a job for me. In China." He kept a close eye on her.

"Oh," she said flatly. It had been a stressful weekend already. Why could Frederick not go to China on top of everything? She could take it.

"But I don't know --" He could not detect any traces of disappointment, which disappointed him a little. "I may take it."

"You should take it if it's a good opportunity." She was still speaking flatly.

"It pays well and it would be a good experience." He paused. Perhaps she was not as unaffected as she seemed to be. He could not tell. She would hardly beg him on her knees not to go; they were not involved. "On the other hand I've just come back from abroad and I don't want to go again, certainly not to China."

"I don't know anything about jobs. I don't want to be -- I shouldn't be the one to tell you whether to take it or not." She did not think she was objective. She wanted him to stay and for that reason she might tell him to go. It was better not to be given that chance at all.

"I'd be the perfect person to go, because it starts in less than a month and I have nothing to leave behind, no house, no family, but --" Frederick shrugged. It was not as easy as it seemed. He did not really have nothing to leave behind or pack up.

"You don't want to go." It was a simple observation and it might not have any consequences for her, but it made her rather happy. If he was not yet convinced she would tell him he should not go if he was not enthusiastic. The venture could only fail if he went. China. He could not come back for weekends if he was homesick.

"No." He felt relieved suddenly.

"Don't blame it on me later."

"Do people do that?" He was surprised, not only that they would, but that they felt unhappy with Anne's advice. She never gave bad advice, did she?

"Yes, they do."

"Yes," he realised, thinking of how he had blamed her. She must be referring to that. "They do. What about you? Would you have gone to China if someone had offered you a job?"

She did not even have to think about it. "No."

"Regardless of the type of job and the salary?"

"Regardless," she said with a nod.

"Why? It'd be a great opportunity for you as well." She would both get a job and the opportunity to move out of her mother's house. He was not yet sure she lived there willingly. Yet she sounded very decided. She would not go.

Anne tried to analyse her feelings. It was difficult to have to do it so quickly and equally difficult not to reveal too much. Fortunately she had been in similar situations before. There was a reason why she was living with her mother and still swimming. "I'd miss better opportunities by leaving."

He surprised her by nodding thoughtfully. He might also miss opportunities by leaving, but he had not been able to define it so concisely. "Now why couldn't I put it like that? It's how I feel as well."

Anne's cell phone rang, but she could not do anything with it at the moment. She wondered why she was driving. It would have been easier to let Frederick drive again, but it had not occurred to her. Something had changed. "I'm driving. Could you answer it?"

Frederick picked it up, eager to be of assistance, but then he frowned at the display. He was too much of a coward to be helpful. "No, it's your mother. I'd rather not."

"All right." She pulled the car over at the next opportunity and phoned her mother back. "I'm driving. I couldn't answer. But I don't know how the car kit works, because I never drive and I never phone! All right. Yes. Yes, I'm on my way. I'll tell you when I get home. Bye."

He waited a while to ask her a question. "Did she ask you what you were doing?"

"Yes. It's not like me to take the car. She thought it might have been stolen."

"So she's back then," he stated superfluously.

"Yes, you'll see her this afternoon at the pool if you have time to go." Anne thought it fair to warn him in advance, so that he might choose not to have time.

"The pool." Frederick had forgotten all about training. A weekend away always made one forget completely about the everyday things and it was only made worse by the added stress. He tried to remember what usually happened on Mondays. "I might have to, don't you think? Sophia and James won't be coming and your mother is doing your lanes."

"Hers. I was doing them for her."

Frederick wondered why the most perfect solution was always to ask Anne if she could help out. Again he refused, but he marvelled at her ability to be of use in just about any situation. He preferred a confrontation with Anne's mother over Anne's sacrificing herself another time. "I'll do James' and Sophia's lanes. Then you can stay home."

She smiled mischievously. "A good trainer doesn't tell his swimmers to stay home."

"So you'll be swimming. Good. As long as you're not working." He glanced at the list again. "Suppose James brings them home tomorrow…does the kid really need a bed? Can't she sleep on the floor?"

"You have no car, do you?" Anne suddenly realised and she took an earlier exit that would take them past a large baby warehouse. She remembered going there with Mary a few years ago. It would only cost her half an hour extra, but it would save Frederick much more time and trouble.

"This is not the way to Kellynch," he noted. "You should have taken the next exit."

"Yep."

"Thanks," Frederick murmured as he was deposited on his sister's doorstep with all his purchases. He had not been able to protest. He was weak.

"No problem. I don't want your niece to sleep on the floor simply because you're too proud to ask for help."

"That's not it. It's -- well, thanks again. I'll see you this afternoon. I'd better go and clear the spare room really quickly so I can put up the cot this evening." He stood a little undecidedly, wondering if he should ask her in, kiss her, or simply let her go.

"I'll see you later." Anne hurried back to the car. They had spent too long shopping and she could only be home for a short while before she had to leave for the pool again. Frederick had so much to do; she should not stay to talk to him. That, though necessary, should be done another time.

"Where were you?" Lindy Russell asked when her daughter came home. She was sorting through her mail at the dining table. "From the mess in the bathroom I deduced you'd already returned from a swim meet somewhere."

"I had to go to Bath."

"Did you go to see your father?" It would surprise Lindy. Usually Anne needed some prompting before she went, because she knew she hardly ever received a warm welcome. Lindy could not remember Anne going of her own volition, not even when Walter and Elizabeth had still lived in this town.

"No. Sophia had a baby. She's in a hospital in Bath."

"Who's Sophia?"

"Sophia Croft?" Anne thought her mother had heard the name. The arrangements for Kellynch SC had been made just before she left on her business trip, although the Crofts themselves had not yet arrived then. As the one remaining coach, her mother ought to have memorised the name.

"Oh. I only spoke to her on the phone. I have yet to meet her. I didn't know she was pregnant, but of course you can't see that over the phone."

"She didn't know it either."

"Really…" Lindy raised her eyebrows. "I was pregnant three times and --"

"Yes, yes," Anne said a little irritably. "Everyone is going to say that to her. It gets boring and it doesn't change the fact that she had a baby and that she now needs things for it. I had to take her brother shopping for baby stuff for her."

"Right. And I heard from Mary that Louisa Musgrove had an accident."

"Yes. What else did Mary say?" Anne was afraid the Musgroves would blame Frederick. That Louisa had drunk would simply not be believed and then, when they had no choice, they would say it was someone else's fault.

They tended to blame others until well after their innocence had been proved. They had known for certain that Mary had seduced poor innocent Charles, because he was not the sort to sleep with girls. Anne knew differently, since he had tried her first and she had certainly not encouraged him. Mary had been more responsive, but Anne doubted that she had taken the initiative. With a Charles who announced his wishes outright that was hardly possible.

"She was a little put out that you had been away from all the commotion when it happened, but as I said to her, she always wants to be the team manager. By the way, she mentioned that you were with Louisa's boyfriend when it happened." Lindy gave Anne a curious look.

"He's not Louisa's boyfriend and I wasn't with him. Well, not alone. We were not staying at the hotel. We were staying with Tom Harville."

"Why that?"

"It's cheaper than a hotel," Anne shrugged, but she could not stick to a lie. "Not to mention that if Charles shared with Mary, Charles and Michael Hayter shared, Louisa and Henrietta, where would that have left us?"

"Right," Lindy said dubiously. "And Mary didn't know about this?"

"You know that if Mary isn't part of the exclusive group, she'll feel offended, but she didn't know Tom and Fiona. Mum, it's so unimportant, except to explain why I wasn't there when Louisa tumbled down the stairs. How was your trip?"

"That's Frederick. He's Sophia's brother," Anne rattled off to her mother. "He'll be doing the lanes they've been doing, which were the lanes Dad was supposed to be doing."

"Frederick. I'm Lindy." She shook his hand coolly.

He quickly looked at Anne, but her expression made him none the wiser. He could not tell if her mother remembered him. She might be naturally cool. She looked a lot like Anne, though, and he hoped the resemblance was not just in appearance.

"Help me with the kickboards, Anne," Lindy requested. She walked away. "Well, well, isn't that the boy you wanted to marry when you were eighteen?"

"When I was nineteen," Anne corrected. Her cheeks grew hot.

"Aren't you glad you didn't?"

"Mum! Don't be like that!"

"You might have ended up like Mary." Although it was her daughter as well, Lindy had her reservations about Mary's life. Marrying young was one thing she did not recommend, but they really should have waited with having those children.

Anne said nothing. Although she did not think she would have ended up like Mary, there was always a chance that she might be wrong. She got a pile of kickboards and dropped it by Lindy's lanes. She returned to where Frederick had seated himself on a block. "What's the warm-up?"

"I'm improvising today. Whatever you like." He watched her pull on her swim cap and adjust her goggles. "What did she say?"

"It's not important." She dove in before he could ask more.

She did not have a pleasant swim, though. She kept wondering whether she would really have ended up like Mary and whether Mary was unhappy. Mary loved to have something to complain about, of course. It did not mean much. She might actually prefer having something or someone to vex her.

Anne climbed out when she felt that three days of racing hard events had taken their toll. She sat on the side and dangled her legs in the water. For some reason she was loath to get up to dress and leave without saying anything to Frederick. She waited until he had sent off the swimmers in the adjoining lane on a 4x400. Then she got up and collected her things, taking longer than she normally would. "Could we make an appointment to talk?" she asked when she was about to pass him.

"A date?"

Chapter Twenty-Two

Anne stared at Frederick. She was fairly sure she had heard him say date, but she did not know if she could call it that. It was a loaded term and they had never been on a date before. They had always met in swimming pools and the hotels they were staying in. They had never actually left either place to go somewhere else. She did not know what he had in mind now. "I had thought maybe tomorrow morning after training, but if you prefer another time…"

"No, that's fine," he hastened to say. He did not want her to back out and he would go along with whatever she suggested.

Unbeknownst to Anne, however, Lindy had arranged for a trip to Bath that same evening. "But you don't have to go tomorrow morning," Lindy said when Anne brought up the morning training as a reason to stay home. "Sleep in if you like. I'll coach."

"No. I don't want to go to Bath at all." She did not want to get home late, because she really could not miss next morning's swim.

"All right." Lindy was mystified. "I thought you wouldn't have seen your father at all while I was away."

"No, I haven't, but I'm twenty-seven, so I really don't need to see him very regularly." Anne wondered what such reasoning meant for her relationship with her mother. Maybe she also did not need to see her mother very often. Maybe she needed to move out, but without money that was difficult to do.

Lindy had gone alone and Anne had been left to spend the evening at home all by herself. Because she had been away, there was much to catch up on. She spent most of her time emailing and, so she would not have been lying about needing her sleep, she went to bed early.

Her appointment or date with Frederick kept her awake for longer than she liked. She might have told him they needed to talk, but she had no idea where to begin. Every time she imagined the conversation, they spoke of something else. After she told herself to stop fantasising, she imagined two more possibilities and then she fell asleep.

The next morning her mother was up as if she had not arrived home late. Anne had not even heard her come back. It turned out she had missed a lot by not going.

"Mrs Croft was sorry you hadn't come along," said Lindy.

Anne felt a little vexed. She might have considered the trip if she had known. "You didn't tell me you were going to see her."

"Oh no, I wasn't. I thought of that later when I remembered she was also in Bath."

"I hope you told her I did not deliberately stay home to avoid her."

"I might have," Lindy said vaguely. "But you would have come along to see her, when you wouldn't come to see your father?"

"Yes," Anne supposed.

Lindy drew the wrong conclusion. "Her doctor was sorry about it too. He's a swimmer. Didn't you always want a swimmer? He's very interested in you and did you know, he swims on your father's team. I thought he was really nice. He asked me for your number, but Sophia didn't have it and I'd left my phone in the car."

"You would have given it?" Anne preferred Sophia's saying she did not have it, when she most certainly did. Yes, she was grateful to Sophia for lying.

"Why not? It couldn't hurt."

Very likely it could not, but she was still not keen on the idea. She had always got along very well with her mother and she hoped that the frustration she felt was temporary. They were now sounding more like her mother and Elizabeth or Mary. There was always plenty of frustration and vexation in their conversations. She had always been spared herself, because she -- with a few exceptions -- thought like her mother. Perhaps this was another one of those exceptions. "He could start stalking me."

"You've read too much. Besides, doctors have no time to stalk girls."

Anne did not know if they did and she did not want to know. Although she had not managed to decide what precisely she would say to Frederick, one thing had become absolutely clear: she loved him. He could behave in any manner he liked, good or bad, but in the end it mattered very little. She had not forgotten his good traits and she happened to be a loyal sort of person. William was nothing to her, doctor or not.

"I'll take my bike to the pool," Anne said when she realised she was expected to drive with her mother. That would not work if she wanted to talk to Frederick after swimming. "I have somewhere to go afterwards."

Lindy did not ask any questions. "Oh good, so do I."

Yesterday the news of Louisa's fall had not spread yet, but apparently the Musgroves had been phoning around at night and when it was time for the morning training session, though it was not even six o'clock, everybody was talking about it. Frederick stood a little to the side as they waited for the pool to be opened. He was tired of having to say he had not been there. They did not believe him and thought he was saying so on purpose for some reason.

He yawned. Putting up a crib and a book case and clearing the spare room had cost him longer than he had expected, but he hoped Sophia would be pleased with the result. He longed for his bed, but he had swimmers to coach and Anne to talk to. On the one hand he hoped she would postpone the talk, but on the other hand they had postponed it long enough.

"Sophia will come home today," he said to Anne in passing. It was a nicely neutral subject.

She looked startled and seemed to be thinking about something. Then she spoke. "So you'll be needed at home?"

"Not instantly. I stayed up really late to finish the room." Frederick yawned again. "They can move in when they like. I don't have to be there."

She stepped aside to let the swimmers pass. "You're tired."

He had not yawned on purpose and so he was wary of her reaction. "Yes."

"And you won't be getting any sleep when Sophia brings the baby home."

He had not considered that and he looked a little fearful. "Won't I?"

"I don't know. Mary --" She saw his look and bit back whatever she had wanted to say about Mary. She had come to the door of the changing room anyway. "Okay. But my mum's out after training. You can have a nap at my house."

Frederick was left to wonder what a nap at Anne's house implied. She had always been a straightforward girl and therefore a nap at her house while her mother was out was probably no more than that. Still, in light of her recent revelation that she had needs, he doubted. She had gone into the changing room now and with so many teenagers around he would not dare to ask for clarification.

He was forced to spend the entire training session wondering. Anne swam and her mother stood guard by her lane, or so it felt to him. He did not dare approach her.

After swimming Lindy collected her things and waited for Anne to climb out. "Anne, I'm going. I have to drop off a report at work and then I have some stuff to take care of."

"What stuff? When will you be home?" Anne hoped she would not say nine. That was much too soon.

"I don't think I'll be home until after this afternoon's training."

That was a relief, although she did not think she had anything in mind that could not be disturbed. "Where will you be?"

"I offered to help Sophia."

Anne stared. "You?"

"I've had babies," her mother reminded her. "Had you wanted to help?"

"But you just met her last night." And, she wanted to say, it was Frederick's sister.

"What does that matter? I have this week off because I worked so hard abroad, blah blah." She waved dismissively. Either she had not worked very hard at all or she did not need an entire week to recuperate. "Anne, tell me you didn't really think that I'd be so petty as to dislike her because of her brother?"

"No, but I thought -- well, he lives with them." After his nap he would presumably go there, because where else could he go? She did not know what would happen then.

"Doesn't he work?"

"Not yet. He just came back to the country," Anne added, because on no account did she want her mother to think of Frederick as a hopeless good for nothing. He did not have a job then and he did not have one now. He had a degree now, though, and job offers.

Lindy had not reckoned with Frederick's living there, but she shrugged. "Well, we'll have to keep out of each other's way then. My skills in ignoring men in the house are pretty good."

Sometimes Anne felt as if she really did not understand people. Usually she let it pass, but now she was compelled to ask the question. "Why did you go to see Dad then?"

"He's all right if you don't live with him."

"I'll never get it," she sighed.

"I know. You don't understand, but I happen to have a certain degree of loyalty," Lindy explained patiently. "Besides, Elizabeth is my daughter too."

"I almost forgot she is," Anne said with a little sarcasm. "I do understand loyalty, but you divorced him!"

"Yes, but…" Lindy looked a little taken aback at her daughter's unusual reaction. "Would you have wanted us to stay together?"

"I don't see how you could marry him, then divorce him and then visit him as often as you like. You don't love him. I don't call that loyalty. It's selfishness. You only think of each other when it suits you. The rest of the time you're nothing to each other." It was a little comparable to not being talked to and then being kissed out of the blue, she reflected, and her lip trembled.

"Anne…"

"I am sick of selfish people." She turned to pick up the kickboards, but Frederick was already collecting them. She turned back. "Don't call that loyalty, because it isn't. I can't even feel sorry for him, because he's exactly the same -- or worse! You don't love him and he doesn't love you. What in heaven's name are you up to together?" She sounded more sad than angry. In fact she doubted that she could ever become truly angry. It was no wonder that people rarely listened to her if she could never speak with force.

"Anne, this is neither the time nor the place to talk about it," said Lindy, seeing Frederick come dangerously near with the kickboards. It was none of his business.

"I just don't think you should be doing anything with someone you don't love, not even someone you used to love. I'd forgive you for allowing it if you loved him, but you don't."

"Who says he's doing anything with me?"

"Men. And why break a habit?" Anne shrugged. "You said yourself that he's all right if you don't live with him. Why give up all the all right things after you have him move out?"

"Anne! I always thought you were idealistic rather than cynical."

"Idealism sucks."

Lindy was as shocked at the language as at the idea it expressed. "Sucks?" She was not entirely sure what that meant. It sounded terribly vulgar.

"I share the changing rooms with our younger swimmers, remember? It means that idealism and eternal love will get me nowhere and, succinctly, that sucks, because I can't let go of it." She glanced around and saw that most swimmers had headed for the showers, except Frederick, who had dropped the pile of kickboards. Men. They would never consider walking twice, but they wanted to carry too many in one go. She sighed. "Well, have fun today, Mum. I'll see you this afternoon."

Anne walked towards her bag. She dropped her cap, goggles and gear onto it and carried it to the shower area. Frederick would not need to shower -- he had not swum -- but he would pass by on his way to get dressed and he might tell or ask her where they would go next. She hoped he had not forgotten.

Around her the children splashed each other with cold water, but she hardly noticed. She was wondering what her mother was thinking now, but she had felt so frustrated and uncomprehending that she simply had to speak. It had built up. Today's conversation had not been much of a trigger.

Frederick passed without looking and she hurried into the changing room as soon as he was out of sight. Despite all her efforts, he had been quicker and he was waiting for her in the hall.

"It's raining," he said, pointing outside. "But you're in white and I want my nap."

"But I'm in white?" She frowned. Was that a good reason to brave the rain? While picking out her clothes the night before she had never reckoned with rain. It was stupid to be vain.

"Men. Insatiable," he said solemnly. "I'd understand if you wanted to stay here until it's dry, though."

"No. Let's go," Anne said hurriedly so she would not stand here stupidly gaping at him while she analysed what he could have meant.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Anne had got wet as they cycled to her house. She felt comforted by the knowledge that whatever Frederick thought, there really was not much to see through her white dress. Unobtrusively she studied herself in the window when she parked her bike. No, it was fine. "It's not transparent."

"No, but it does cling," Frederick replied instantly.

She blushed and fumbled with the key and the lock. Why was a clinging dress better than a Fastskin? She preferred the latter because they streamlined everything. Her dress did not. "Come in. The bathroom is upstairs. The dryer is in the bathroom. My room is across from it. You can take the blue bed. I'll…be here."

"Won't you need to change?" He looked at the wet dress that could not possibly be comfortable if it stayed on, not that he was trying to talk her out of it.

"I'll be here after I've changed." There was a couch. What a nice reversal of situations. He could take the bed and she would take the couch this time.

She had of course given the situation some thought -- too much thought -- but she had decided that if he did not first take his nap, he might never have time to take it. Either their talk would end unhappily, in his leaving the house, or happily, when they would have too many other things to do for him to nap. Try as she might, she had not been able to predict which of the two endings was most likely, but it was definitely wisest to have him nap first.

Frederick tried to joke. She was as always too serious, but in this particular case he wished she would not take a separation so seriously. "You must be the only person who dates in separate rooms."

"It's not a date." It was barely eight o'clock in the morning. She had never heard of anyone dating at such an early hour.

"All right." He felt put in his place.

He was of course aware of Anne stuffing her dress into the dryer, but he let her disappear without calling her back. She went downstairs and he went to her room. Evidently she had nothing to hide, although he did not think she was the type. It was slightly disappointing that there was no Frederick shrine in a corner, but he was too sane to look for it anywhere else.

The blue bed looked comfortable enough, although there were clothes on it. He wondered why Anne had two beds. Maybe it was Elizabeth's. He would not get into Elizabeth's bed even if she was not in it, so he decided to be bold and take Anne's.

After Anne had eaten a little, she tried to doze off on the couch, but she was not sure if she had succeeded. Usually she could tell by the strange turns her thoughts had taken, but this time they seemed fairly normal. She woke when the phone rang. It was her mother. Having their argument of that morning still on her mind, her tone was wary as she answered.

"I have great news," Lindy said. "I was offered a job in Bath."

"Congratulations." Anne was glad that the argument seemed to be forgotten, for the time being at least. It might still surface later on. She told herself to be pleased for her mother. "I take it it's a good job?"

"Yes, yes. Now here's the catch. It's in Bath."

That was a catch indeed. She became wary again. "Yes, you said."

"I don't want to commute."

"So you're selling the house?" Anne felt her spirits sink. She did not want to go to Bath. Here she at least had things to do. In Bath she would have nothing. Nothing. A numbness took hold of her. She was resigned; the house would be sold, whatever she might want. It was always like that.

"Sell the house? That would be madness in times like these. No, you can live in it, I thought. Unless you want to come to Bath with me and pursue that doctor?"

"I don't care for the doctor!" Anne said with a raised voice.

"You didn't give me the impression that you did, no," Lindy agreed. "So you will want to stay in Kellynch."

She would love to stay in Kellynch, but there were things to consider if her mother left. Depending on what house her mother would have in Bath, she might not be able to afford two. "I can't afford the house. You know that."

"Well, I heard you'll be getting a job offer soon anyway."

"Job offer? Me?" Anne was astonished. "From where? From whom?"

"You will see," Lindy said mysteriously. "But the deal is that you accept the offer, or else I cannot let you live in the house."

"Mum! What if it's an offer to scrub floors?"

"Who'd make you such an offer?" Her mother sounded genuinely surprised. "You have a double degree. Certainly someone who has something to offer would take that into account."

"But who has a job for me and why would they tell you before they told me?" It could not be anybody at her mother's workplace; that was in a completely different field.

"You'll hear that soon. If you like the job, will you want to pay me rent?"

"Yes," she said quickly, whatever might happen. It might be a lousy job, but in that case she would have to use it as a stepping stone. Frederick had no job. If she got one first, she might be able to persuade him to adapt himself to her situation. "I'd love to stay here."

"Right then," Lindy said cheerfully.

"But life can't be that easy." Anne did not know whether she could allow herself to look forward to a resolution of all her troubles.

"Sometimes it is. Are you still on that eternal love thing?"

"Maybe it sounded corny, but yes. I still believe in it. I don't love to give it up a year later." She would not even give it up eight years later. Even if it would now turn out to be hopeless, she would not be able to stop herself. If she had married him then, she would still love him now as well, would she not?

And he had willingly come here, so not all hope was lost.

"So does that mean you still love that guy?" Lindy sounded resigned.

Anne blushed even if there was no one who could see her. She kept her voice serious, if a little indignant. "Of course I do."

"Does he love you?"

Her voice faltered a little. "I don't know."

"Anne, you're too good to waste your feelings on someone who doesn't return them. Find out soon and forget about him if he doesn't."

"And you think he doesn't." Her mother did not sound very enthusiastic or encouraging, but she had to remind herself that her mother was sometimes wrong. Mothers were not infallible.

"Men aren't as loyal or faithful as we are."

"I won't accept that that holds true for all men. You cannot dismiss them all like that." Certainly in this case Anne refused to think that way. Even if he did not love her anymore, it was not because he was a man. That had nothing to do with it. "I don't think they're all disloyal or unfaithful."

"You're still idealistic," Lindy observed.

"When it comes to that, I am indeed. Time will tell which one of us is right." She did not want to talk about it anymore to her mother.

Anne hung up and was left to ponder her future. She might have a job that her mother seemed to trust would satisfy her. She would be able to stay in this house. The only uncertain factor was Frederick. He might want to go to China or he might not want her, which would amount to the same thing. In either case she ought to give up thinking of him and move on. She could pine forever, but it would be useless to wait for him any longer. If he could no longer love her after eight years, he would certainly not do so after sixteen years.

But first she had to have that talk with him. She felt a little more confident about her position now. She had an alternative of sorts and she had the uplifting fact that he had come here with her.

Frederick was woken by the phone. There was an extension upstairs in another room, but he heard no one answer it and yet the ringing stopped very quickly. When he decided it was time to get up anyway, he heard Anne speak downstairs. She rather loudly said she did not care for the doctor. He could not help himself. He stayed where he was and listened for more.

Her bed had been slept in and there was a note on her pillow. Fully expecting it to contain Frederick's reasons for not having slept in the blue bed, she shook her head as she picked up the note. Bathroom. It surprised her so much that she sat down on the bed to read it again.

When her common sense returned she deduced he must be in the bathroom for some reason. She indeed found him there, sitting on the edge of the bath watching the dryer. There were ten minutes left.

"I thought of writing you a letter, but in the end I'd rather talk it out," he said. "You got dressed."

"Well, yes," she answered. She sat down beside him. "I have my clothes here and what if someone called at the door?"

"I called at the door once and you didn't think of getting dressed then," he remembered.

"I knew it was you. I wouldn't do it for the postman."

"What does that mean?" His eyes bored into hers.

Anne tried to look away. "You may have been ignoring that we have a history, but I couldn't pretend that you hadn't seen me like that before."

"True, though your figure is very different now. And I have not been ignoring our history."

"You never told anyone. You never spoke to me. You pretended you'd never seen me before, figure or not." She tried not to sound too pathetic. "Isn't that ignoring?"

"I thought of it."

"But you didn't want to."

Frederick looked at the dryer. Eight minutes. "At first I didn't want to. I tried very hard not to."

"And then you went straight to making passes at me because you're ready to burst." She hoped he would contradict that, preferably angrily.

"Making passes at you? Ready to burst?" He did not understand. "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

"Sophia thinks you're ready to burst, because you allowed everyone to flirt with you. She thought you just wanted to sleep with someone."

"I do want to sleep with someone, yes, but not with everyone!" Frederick began to suspect some serious miscommunication. What had she been thinking? And he was really not pleased about being manoeuvred into such an admission.

Anne turned away. "The first who offers."

"Actually I turned down the first who offered!" he shot back. "Remember?"

"I'm not really sure I offered," she said cringingly, although she was glad she seemed to have been that first girl.

"Then you should be really glad I turned you down."

"But you don't want to sleep with me then?" Anne kept her voice steady and disinterested. He must have been speaking of someone else.

"I thought it was best to send you away. I might have misunderstood you and then you'd be disgusted. And even if I hadn't misunderstood you, there were things to consider such as protection. Because I know as little about your intervening years as you do about mine. I wanted to send you away because I didn't want to hear you'd had other boyfriends. I didn't want to say I didn't have any condoms only to see you casually pull one from your pocket. I fully confess to being jealous, petty, unfair, stupid, afraid…whatever you'd call it."

She blinked. "That was it?" There was nothing about not loving her, but perhaps that was still to come.

"Yes. I have one now, though. I took it from James' bedside drawer." He took something from his pocket and placed it in her hand. He looked very earnest and a little proud of himself. "But I think you should keep it, so you can make offers without being turned down."

Anne looked as if the package was something very dirty. She held it by a corner. "I'm sorry. It's very sweet of you, but it won't do."

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Why not?" Frederick inquired instantly.

"The expiry date on this is 2003," Anne said gravely. "People who have been trying to get pregnant for a few years are not the most reliable source of contraceptives."

"Do they have expiry dates?" He snatched it back from her. "I never looked. What does that mean? It will disintegrate?"

"I don't know. This is as close as I've ever come to one." He did not have to be worried that she had her own supply of them. It was good that apparently he did not either, or he would not have had to go looking through James' drawers.

"They make great balloons. That's all I know from training camps with the national team." He rested his face in his hands and laughed wryly. "I wonder what that reveals about my maturity. Your sister thinks I have none."

"I already knew something about your maturity when you positioned the playmobil men in the shower," Anne assured him. She could see Elizabeth not finding any fun in balloons, especially not these. "You did not think of these things eight years ago," she observed, pointing at the package. He must have become a little wiser since then and that was a good thing, especially since the subject had never occurred to her at all.

"No. Did you?"

"No, but --" She bit her lip and looked at the floor. It was difficult to say this, painful to acknowledge their former feelings and embarrassing to reveal her lack of thought on the subject. "I did not think we would split up. I did not think any of that was necessary."

He had not thought that either, but he should have. They might have got into trouble. "We could have had a child. Aren't you glad we didn't?"

"You sound like my mother." It would all have been different if they had had a child, but she had to admit to herself that they would have been far too young for it. At the time, though, she would have welcomed it.

He shuddered. "Urgh. I don't want to sound like your mother, but she happens to be right if she said the same. They were right in warning you. I was wrong. You have no idea how much I regret it."

Anne gave him sideways glances. She did not know what to say next and she should let him finish what he wanted to say. What did he regret?

"I heard some things you said to your mother. You don't give up on the ones you love. You're so much better than I am. I went away. Still…" He fell silent.

"Still?" she probed gently. He had indeed gone away, but it had been an excellent opportunity for him. It had turned him into a top class swimmer and he should be proud of his achievements, regardless of the fact that he had not kept in contact with her.

"I wish I'd realised everything sooner. It would have spared you the pain that I undoubtedly gave you by behaving as I did. I knew it was wrong, but I was still hurt. Maybe it was wrong of me to feel hurt, but I felt it and I couldn't help it."

"I know."

Frederick opened the dryer. He felt foolish sitting on the edge of the bath in his underwear speaking of having felt hurt and he began to dress. "So," he said after a while. "We're not done yet, but I'm hungry."

Anne jumped up. "I'm so sorry! I completely forgot you might be hungry. Come! I'll fix you something."

He continued speaking in the kitchen. "So, what did you think when you first saw me in the pool?"

She was looking through the fridge and took her time before she answered. "In the beginning? They told me you were coming, so I wasn't surprised to see you. I thought I'd see how you'd behave, but you behaved as if you didn't know me."

He felt bad about that. "I didn't know what to do, but you didn't exactly throw your arms around me yourself either."

She looked at him in disbelief. "How pathetic would that have been?" She did not want to name girls who might have done so, but she could think of a few.

"Very," he agreed. In retrospect he did not see how she could have behaved any differently, considering his behaviour.

"Besides, you were good now and one of my parents' criticisms was that you couldn't swim," she said unhappily. "I'd have feared your thinking I was a hypocrite if I now…"

"I know you aren't like that. I might have fooled myself into thinking that you were, but I would have found out I was wrong. But you must have noticed I was changing my mind after a while."

She had noticed a little change, but not to what he was changing. She gave him a yoghurt container and sat down to eat one herself. "I thought you were trying to be friends, given some of your odd actions, such as when you asked Sophia to drive me home, but you didn't actually talk to me and I don't know what you intended to accomplish with some of your other actions, such as in Lyme."

"Hey!" he protested good-naturedly. "I actually had a clue in Lyme."

"What did you have a clue about? Because you still haven't told me that." She could guess, but she could not be completely certain. Nevertheless, she was confident enough about their newfound friendship to venture the question.

"I wonder why I thought talking was better than writing a letter," he complained. "I wanted you back, of course, but I could hardly walk up to you and say so, given my behaviour. I had to be more subtle."

"Subtle!" Anne chuckled. She was not sure many of his actions qualified as subtle and wondered if she should reiterate them to him.

He smiled. "Restrained, then. Not like when we first met, when it all seemed to go automatically. So, I wanted you back. Of course for years I'd been telling myself I was too busy to like anyone, when it wasn't that I was busy, but that I was simply uninterested in anyone but you. I tried to deny it when I first saw you, but I couldn't keep that up. I had to try and elicit some reaction from you. I was very happy when you kissed me, but after a while I started thinking."

"After a while!" Her smile grew wider. She had begun to smile a while ago and she did not think she would stop soon.

"Nobody wants to hear he's been replaced and we were heading towards a point where I might have to ask you that. So I asked you to leave. But you did not go!"

Anne blushed. "No. But your brother arrived and both of you fell apart."

"We needed you and we are very glad you stayed with us. Will you take me back?" he asked, suddenly humble.

She smiled at him over her yoghurt. "Of course I'll take you back. I would even have taken you back when you came into the pool looking hot…and being cold." She dwelt on those two opposing qualities for a moment. He was not really cold, which had made the impression only worse.

"I look hot?" Frederick was pleased.

She did not want to flatter him instantly, but she could not deny it. "As if you don't know all the girls considered you hot-looking. They probably told you to your face, too."

"Actually they didn't. It means more to me if you think I look hot."

"I do."

He grinned. "You're pretty hot yourself."

"Me?" Anne was genuinely surprised.

"Mmm. In a Fastskin -- halfway in it or all the way in it," he teased. "So…we don't need to go dating now, do we? I already know what I'm getting. We can go straight to…what?"

"Living together?" She would not have thought of that so quickly in other circumstances, but her conversation with her mother made it the logical conclusion. She crossed her fingers and hoped there was really going to be an offer. "Someone is apparently going to make me a job offer and my mum says I can have the house. You can move in with me. If she was right about the job offer -- and if you don't go to China."

"Do I get to sleep in the blue bed? Whose is it?"

"Elizabeth's, if she comes over to stay. Is that why you slept in mine?" Suddenly that made more sense.

He nodded. "I'm sorry, but I can't stand her. Obnoxious sprinter."

Anne giggled. She was sure there was more he found objectionable about Elizabeth than the mere fact that she was a sprinter who was aware that she excelled in the events that garnered the most attention. "I really like you like this," she told him.

"How?" he asked with a smile. It was not the cocky grin he had used for being hot, but a quieter, more sincere delight.

"Laughing at yourself, making me laugh…" Just like eight years ago. Her eyes filled with tears. It was so easy to get it back. Why had it taken so long?

"Anne…" He held out his hand and pulled her into his lap. After a quick kiss on her cheek, he spoke. "What was this about a job and the house? I asked James if he had one for you so you could move out…"

"You asked James?" That would explain how her mother had come to hear of it last night. She would have seen him at the hospital.

"He seemed to handing them out," Frederick said airily. "And you seemed in need of a change. Away from your mother."

"My mum is actually rather nice, you know," Anne defended her. "She's now helping your sister."

"Is she?" It might reconcile him to the woman a little. Anyone who helped his sister must be a little nice at least. "Why? Did you ask her to?"

"No, she probably offered. She's had babies and it's clear that Sophia never had one. And she doesn't have a mother either."

"It never occurred to me that Sophia might need parents," he mused. "But all right. It's nice of your mother."

They had sat in the kitchen for another while, eating more. "So," Frederick said very casually. "When do I move in and what will your mother say?" If she approved, he would even consider moving in while the woman was still there.

Anne realised she had not yet told him the best part because he appeared not to know about it. "She has a new job in Bath, so she will move there."

His face lit up. "So it will just be you and me?"

"Yes," Anne smiled.

"In this house? That would be perfect." He took a few moments to savour that goodness. "Tell me why I deserve that."

When the opportunity for rational conversation returned, he had a comment. "I assume you don't want to get pregnant right into a new job."

"Well," Anne said reflectively. "That doesn't seem like a very good plan if you don't have a job yet. Could you wait until I've seen my doctor?"

"Sure. I've waited eight years."

"Or…" She grinned when she did not really trust his answer. "There's a shopping street around the corner."

Frederick considered that possibility. "Maybe I'd rather wait until your mother has moved out. Shall we go over to Sophia's to ask when?"

Chapter Twenty-Five

It turned out that Lindy could leave very soon, because she was moving in with Walter for the time being. Anne was appalled, but since it was not in her own interest to be appalled, she swallowed her feelings of dismay. Frederick, who could not care less with whom Lindy moved in, was equally silent.

Lindy seemed to accept their relationship, though, if not as enthusiastically as Sophia and James. Nevertheless she did not withdraw the offer of the house.

Anne was almost perfectly happy -- she had Frederick and a house. The only thing that was still lacking was a source of income for one or both of them and she did not dare ask James about it. First she had to admire the baby, which was no hardship, and look at the baby's room.

Frederick had more opportunities to talk to his brother-in-law and, leaving all the cooing and caring to the women, they sat down downstairs. Although Frederick could not accept jobs on her behalf, he could say that any decent offer would be most welcome. When Anne joined them it was all settled.

The job he had for her actually sounded rather nice, even if she had no idea what it entailed precisely and if she was qualified for it at all. Frederick seemed to understand better what he was going to do and that he would run into Anne at work was something he did not seem to find problematic at all. Anne was impressed with James' ability to give out jobs, but he assured her it was purely a coincidence that they were expanding, had no more brothers to step in, no more Sophia to step in either and that his mother was thinking of retiring. She would only have to sit here until three o'clock, because that was when his parents would visit their grandchild.

Such a quick transition to a new life was almost impossible, but it was nevertheless real. James' parents, who had apparently counted on Sophia, were all too relieved they could hire someone who was almost related.

A week later she was marvelling at how quickly it had all gone. Her mother was still in the house, but Anne had been to work and she had been surprised at how very much like her volunteering work for the swimming club it actually was. That, she supposed, was why James had thought of her.

James had hired a new coach, what with everyone having new jobs or new babies. Anne was relieved, because she might otherwise have felt the obligation to be present at all sessions. Now, Frederick and she swam in the morning, but they had their evenings off.

The new coach was already almost as popular as Frederick and he would definitely surpass him when everybody caught on that Frederick had a girlfriend and Anne a boyfriend, something they had not done so far. They were not demonstrative; they did not kiss in the showers or hold hands. They saved that for at home -- when Lindy was not there, of course.

Epilogue

The year 2017

"Are you sure Grandma and Grandpa will be here to watch me?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Anne answered patiently. She had said so about five times already and with every time the question was put to her, she grew a little more worried. Suppose her parents were not coming at all? There would be no consoling Claire.

"But they're late."

"No, they're not late." She looked at her daughter's face, which was nearly obscured by her goggles and cap, donned far too early in case her event was advanced by an hour for mysterious reasons.

"They'll be here in time to see me do butterfly, won't they? Because I can do a great butterfly, right Mummy?"

"You do an amazing butterfly for your age. Take off your goggles. You have an hour to go and you'll get a headache if you keep them on. Go back to the team. You don't want your coach to be angry with you."

"My coach won't, because she's my aunt," Claire said confidently.

"Right, as if your parents never get angry with you, young lady," Frederick cut in. "Even though they're your parents."

She opened her eyes wide. "But I behave at the club."

"She behaves at the club," he said incredulously when his daughter was gone. "And not at home? Would you believe that impertinent answer?"

Anne chuckled. "Yes, actually. Elizabeth is not easy."

Elizabeth, who had neglected to educate herself during her swimming career, had been forced to seek employment in the only field she was a little qualified in after she divorced her former team mate Dr William Walter. After a long and trying year during which she repeatedly cried she hated children, she finally grew used to them and her coaching produced some fine talents. She was, however, not easy to work with.

"Hey Auntie Anne!" said a girl. "Why aren't you swimming? Then Mum, me, you and Claire could do a family relay now that Claire is finally old enough to swim races. Now Mum and me have to do it with other people and it's not a family relay."

"Well, your mum is crazy and I am not," Anne smiled. "Besides, your mum only had two children and I had four." It was a little more difficult to keep track of four of them if you also had to swim.

"But only one of them can swim, so you have to go with us." She received protests from three sides, because no matter if they were two, four or six years old, all Wentworth youngsters were full of confidence about their own swimming skills.

"Sophia, stop making her nag at me," Anne said good-humouredly to her sister-in-law when she came to check on her youngest, who was sitting with Anne.

"I'd never nag. Who'd watch the children if you swam? Frederick, your relay is up in a minute. Don't upset the referee now."

"He won't be upset. He's my brother-in-law."

Anne had to laugh. "And you wonder where Claire gets it from?"

Elizabeth approached them, looking dissatisfied. "I really wonder why you two still want to compete against children and I'm not sure why I allow you. I told the team to stay together and not to run to their parents, or in your case, their children. Set a good example and go back."

Frederick made disrespectful grimaces behind her back, but he left nevertheless.

Anne breathed a sigh of relief when her parents arrived. Claire's debut could take place as planned. Everyone was there except Uncle Edward, but even Claire knew he lived too far away. He would see the photos.

"I hope Charles won't disqualify her," said Mary. "That would be so…"

"Charles, if he's on her lane at all, will see her swim perfectly," said the proud mother.

"Yes, my boys gave her some advice about the butterfly."

Anne let that pass. One should not argue with family, but she thought it more plausible that Claire had inherited her father's talent.

The End

© 2007 Copyright held by the author.

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