When Is It Impossible To Lie?
by Anne Lesley

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Prologue
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The bed was disgustingly neat. Everything was tucked, folded, and exactly in place. If Janie wasn't my sister, I don't think I'd let her make the bed so revoltingly perfect.

But she is.

And, as much as she confuses me, I love her. I think, even though we're very different we've bonded out of the need to escape our god-awful stepmother. So we're pretty good friends; even though we share mostly no interests. Who knows, maybe that's why it works. This afternoon, we're just laying on the bed and watching t.v. I flipped to the news.

“New Jersey welcomes Bingo Bakeries to her friendly shores this month as the company -- headed by Charles B. Bingley II -- is opening a factory in Sea Bright. Bingley brings with him his son Charles B. Bingley III and daughter Caroline ages 17 and 16 respectively. Let's go Bingo!”

God. I could feel the Janie spaz about to explode. Aww damn...she's breaking out the dreaded planner.

“I wonder if they're going to go to SBHS. I'll have to make sure the welcome committee finds out and - “

I could hold my enthusiasm no longer, “Super!”

She cocked her head and looked at me, “Lizzy...”

“Janie...”

She smiled softly as she realized I was teasing her. “Its just more rich kids, except its not just summer anymore. Its bad enough being a local in a beach town, everybody thinks you're an easy screw, but to have the pole up the ass rich kids all year long? Janie, ugh.” I threw myself onto the bed, and Janie came and sat next to me.

“These people could be really nice.”

I just looked at her. “Or, um, not really.”

She stood up. “Whatever Lizzy, not like I thought you would want to help.”

“Come on, its just not my thing, but if you do need help, you know you just have to ask me.”

“I know.” Then I grabbed her into a huge bear hug.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Why the hell am I here? I let Ben drag me places, and I always wind up regretting it. Its pretty though, but I still don't plan on making visits to New Jersey a regular habit.

“Will! Hey Will, look at the babe in the leather pants. Yes sir.”

“Yes Ben. I see the babe in leather pants.” I winced at hearing the words coming out of my mouth. I just said babe.

“So did you decide what you were gonna do yet?”

“Yeah, I'll stay here with you till Christmas break, and try to get you to change your mind about going to school here. You should go back to Nodlon Academy with me for second semester.”

“Will, I think this could be fun, maybe a learning experience, plus a whole new group of chicas.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Do you like the town?” He looked at me like I held the answers to all of his problems at that exact moment.

“Do you like it Ben?”

“Yeah, I, uh think I do.”

“The people are really -”

“What?”

“All I'm saying is that this is a beach town. After the season is over, the only people left are the people who run the bars and the grocery stores.”

“And?” Ben really saw nothing wrong with this. I didn't understand.

“Do I have to explain?”

“No.” He looked at the ground. “I see what you mean, I just...” He was struggling. “Well everyone we've met has been really nice, and I've seen a few of my neighbors too. Well, they live down the hill anyway. Three hot sisters. Mmmm!”

“Whatever. If you wanna -”

“Thanks man!” And he slaps me on the back hard, and runs off towards the car. The guy has ADD* I swear to god.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Its people like that who make me want to stab something. I mean, `All I'm saying is that this is a beach town.' What is that supposed to mean? I'm a beach person? Sounds like a Stephen King novel.

I wish I would have come out from behind the rock by their car and kicked him in the head, but all I saw was his rear end. It was nice, but that is not the point.

Here comes Janie, I can hear her smiling down the hallway.

“I sent Malcolm and Jared to the Bingley's to offer them tickets to Winterfest. He bought three!”

“That's good news?”

“Of course its goods news.”

“And I still have to go to this thing?”

“You don't have to do anything. I just thought it would be fun for you, me, and Char to go, like a girls night out. Besides you're already half dressed.”

“Oh shut up.”

Janie began to get dressed, jumping flawlessly into her perfect pink contraption, she looked like Miss America. And if Janie is Miss America, that makes me -- well I'm not sure what that makes me but its something like the pissed off twin sister who didn't like beauty pageants but couldn't help supporting her lovable twin.

The thing about my twin sister is that she really does want world peace. She really would donate her bone marrow to a poor kid she didn't know. She's beautiful, she respects her elders, she's a ballet dancer, she says her prayers, and always wears her seat belt.

Me, I think I'm pretty attractive. I've got more skin on my bones that Janie, but then again, she's a size 2. I'm a proud and curvy 8. I've got wavy blonde hair, and brown eyes. I have broken my fair share of hearts. But enough about me. I've got to climb into my black corset dress and combat boots.

“Do you have to wear the boots Lizzy?”

“Do you need the rhinestone studded bows Janie?”

“They go with the dress.”

We continued to bicker until Char knocked on the door. She looked great as usual. She was a shapeless flat twig of a girl, but she always wore all that really cute stuff that only flat people can get away with.

“Come on you two, hurry up.”

“We have an hour before our dinner reservations. Besides can't we be late?”

“You know it isn't painful to be punctual.”

Janie of course was done, and I was done, I was just messing around.

“I'm ready to go Char, I just need to grab my new pink lip gloss.”

“No one's worried about you Janie, she's worried about me.”

“And I should be, your hair isn't even done Liz.”

“Yes it is.”

They both just stared at me. They were unkindly interrupted by the bat out of hell also known as Irene, our evil stepmother.

“Girls!” She shrilled as she turned the corner. Then, she was in our room. “Oh God Liz, you're really wearing that? Whatever, doesn't matter anyway. Nobody will be looking at you if you're with Janie.”

“Why are you such an evil whore Irene?”

“Shut up. Janie, this is a very important night for you. You will of course look wonderful, and I just want to make sure you understand the opportunities that are being set in front of you.”

Poor clueless Janie, she had to ask.

“What do you you mean?”

“Charles B. Bingley III is a good looking young man, and well, how can I say this...he's rich as anything. A boy like that could get you straight out of Jersey. I just think-”

I had to stop the madness, “Because Janie, it is universally acknowledged that any rich good-looking guy in high school is obviously looking for a girlfriend, that he will presumably marry.”

“Exactly.”

I had to laugh at that, but of course, Irene would not be laughed at.

“You know what Elizabeth-”

“Yeah I do, come on Janie, time to go.” I grabbed her arm and dragged her pink butt out of that room. Irene of course followed us all the way to the car.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME.

I WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME.

I WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME.

No matter how many times I say it, I just don't see it happening. If Ben wanted to go to this thing, he could have gone without dragging me along; and Carrie. His sister is a witch at home, why take her out of the house?

Then I bumped into her.

Chapter One

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The second I walked in the door, I ran into some guy. I felt something go through my body that was like, I don't know I just wanted to close my eyes and enjoy it. Then I spun around and saw him; and realized it must have been an electrical shock, or static or something.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean-” I tried to say.

“Run into somebody else next time!”

“Okay, I did not run into you, I merely brushed against you on accident. Understand?” Then she uses the most intelligent problem solving tactic I can think of. She flips me off. “Screw you too!” I have the decency to say, and she stomps off around the corner in her combat boots leaving me looking stupid.

Ben of course has the best perspective, “Babe's got a hot ass!”

“Give me a break, Ben, a nice ass can't make up for being a bitch. Even if it was a nice ass, which it isn't.” After making this totally factual statement, guess who popped out from around the corner. Yep.

“Yeah, well you can kiss it!” God I hate that girl!

“Oooo, she's feisty I like that.” Ben and I watched her walk across the room as we waited for Caroline to finish in the bathroom. That was when Ben was struck by the force known as Janie Bennet. “Holy god. Look at her Will.”

“Yes, yes, I know Ben-”

“No, not the violent one, her friend. Have you ever seen anything so perfect?”

“She's pretty hot.”

“Hot? No, no, she's more like...like...”

“Really hot?”

“Yeah.” Then he just stared. Ben is such a moron sometimes.

“Why don't you go say hi?”

“I uh, I don't-”

“What? Master of the Ladies, Captain Pun tang, Monsieur 68 notches on the headboard doesn't know what to say?”

“Shut up.”

“Are you taking new vitamins?”

“Shut up Will.”

“Okay. Well, here's some advice, why don't you go introduce yourself. It can't hurt.”

“Yeah, but what do I say?”

“Hi, my name is Ben, I could buy 10 of the dress you are wearing with my weekly allowance. You'll have that dress on the floor in 10 minutes.”

“I don't wanna...” He pauses and thinks, amazing. “I don't wanna bag her, I want to talk to her.”

I looked at him for a minute. From across the room this girl had Ben totally in the palm of her hand. He hadn't even used the word babe. He just kept looking at her like she was the Mona Lisa or something.

“I'm sorry man, I didn't realize...why don't you just go introduce yourself. Tell her you're new-”

“Yeah, that's a good ice breaker.” Ice breaker? He was planning on having a conversation. I was impressed. Seriously.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Lizzy, I don't think you needed to flip him off.”

“He was the jerk who called us beach people!”

“I understand that, but you never know, you might have mistook what he said, or maybe-”

“No, I know what he said, and he said we were beach people, among other things.”

“Well fine then-”

“Oh look, here comes his stupid looking friend.”

“What? Who's coming over here?” Janie started trying to primp right then and there. I wanted to kill Irene at that moment for making her even think that she needed to look better.

“You look perfect, and who cares anyway?”

“Um, hi, I'm uh Ben. I'm new here.”

“And?”

“Lizzy!” Ow! Janie elbowed me, which I guess I deserved.

“Well, I saw you from across the room and I kinda just felt like I needed to come and talk to you, you kinda pulled me over.”

Oh, how sweet, and he looks so scared, he might even be sincere. I might just puke.

“Oh.” Janie blushed, and looked at her fingers.

“Sorry, I guess that was a little out of place.”

“No, no.” She looked up.” It was nice. My name is Janie, Janie Bennet.”

“Oh, then you're the one who sent those guys with the tickets!”

“What?”

“I'm Ben Bingley. Well. Charles Bingley, but Benjamin is my middle name, so everybody calls me Ben to tell me apart from my Dad when we're being yelled at.”

She giggled. “Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome, but its my job. I'm student body president.”

“Oh.” He looked defeated.

“No!” She grabbed his arm and their eyes met. “I'm glad you came. I was very excited when I heard you were moving here. Are you planning on going to SBHS?”

“Yeah actually, everybody is against it, but I never liked my school, its too stuffy. I'm pretty laid back.”

I had to get out of there, they were both like walking hallmark cards. I needed air, and a nice cynical voice. Where is Char? She was across the room, kindly talking with Josh Collins, the most obnoxious I'm-in-a-band-guy on the face of the earth. He was one of those underground for the sake of being underground. You know, he dyed his hair black and wore vintage, but had a Britney Spears poster hidden in his closet. I think its all a ploy to get chicks. It was only right that I rescue her. Unfortunately that meant talking to him - and he would only take that as a sign that I was finally succumbing to his charms.

“Char! Come to the bathroom with me!”

“Oh hey Liz.” Josh said with a deep, breathy voice while squinting and running his hands through his hair. Gag.

“You just made me go to the bathroom with you 15 minutes ago.”

Doesn't the girl know when she's being rescued?

“I heard they have new toilet paper.” I gave her a look, but she still didn't get it.

“You know, Josh has some ideas about a battle of the bands at school that we could tell Janie about, and how you could cover some of the local high school bands in the newspaper.”

“Nothing too commercial you know, but just to get names out there. So that people know that there are real artists at this school.”

“Yeah. Cool. Char, I have to pee, its running down my leg.”

“Liz-” Ow. Why is everyone elbowing me today?

“Fine- I'll see you later.” Ugh. So I walked off to sulk in a corner. I found a nice chair to pout in and decided that everyone involved in the supposed girl's night was busy drooling over some guy; and that really pissed me off. I didn't want to come in the first place. This could not get any worse. Alas, I have spoken too soon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Maybe if I go try and talk to her, I can start this again, and Ben won't rag me for being a party pooper. Besides she is the only girl in here who looks like she might have something slightly interesting to talk about. She's a raging witch, but maybe I just ticked her off at the wrong time.

Uh oh. She sees me. Maybe this isn't a good idea.

“Uh hi.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Look, I wanted to try to start over.”

“Any particular reason?” Why is she so difficult?

“You seem like you have a very interesting personality. And you seem like one of the few people worth talking to.”

“Am I supposed to be honored by that? That Ben Bingley's little friend thinks I am worth talking to?”

“Why are you so quick to be pissed off? I am not the best with words, okay? You just seemed like someone I would want to talk to. You look like one of the few people in high school in general with a personality that they didn't get out of a magazine. I was trying to be nice. I just suck at it.”

The look on her face was impossible to read. Besides, why the hell did I just tell her all of that? Who is she?

“I'm sorry.”

I looked at her blankly not to be mean, but because I really didn't believe that she had said that.

“Hello? I said I was sorry. I heard you the other day talking with Ben.”

“What?”

“When he asked you what you thought of him staying here...and you called us all beach people. That was why i was pissed, and then when I saw you, and my step mom had already got me mad and I hate dances in the first place-”

“Hey. Is cool, we're both quick to say the wrong thing, and I hate dances too.”

Then she laughed, a real laugh, not a girlie stupid fake laugh. She actually laughed. So I did too. What was wrong with me?

Then the worst possible thing in the world happened.

“Will, sweetie, I missed you. Where have you been all night?” Carrie threw herself around me and kissed my cheek. Then looked up and saw that I was talking to another female.

“Oh, that's a nice dress, did you get it at an outlet mall?”

Then the girl got up and left. I still don't even know her name. “Hey!”

“What the hell do you want?”

“Hey, I thought we were past the vicious-”

“Well, I think its nice that you have a girlfriend, and were trying to play me. Hoping for a quickie in the bathroom or something? I'm sorry but, all beach people aren't whores.”

“Why are you so-” Then somebody ran into me.

“Ooops!” She slurred, “Sorry! Hey Lizzy- umm, me and the boys are gonna go check out Tim's car.”

“Leah, you're drunk.”

“So what big sis! Josh and Paul and Brad and Wes and Mike and John and Warren and what's his name don't care if I'm drunk! They said they'd take me to Tim's car and then to a party.”

“That is not a good idea.” Her name is Lizzy, and she is turning beet red and about to punch something. I think I need to get out of the way. And that's her sister? Even Ben couldn't accept that as charming. Leah walked off with the football team in tow and Lizzy looked at me. I walked away.

Well what was I supposed to do? It was obviously not meant to be. She does live in New Jersey, is it really my fault? I didn't think so.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Where is Janie? I found her as quickly as I could and ran to her.

“Janie, I wanna go home.”

“What happened, why are you crying?”

“I'm not.” I wiped my face off.

“Okay, you go to the car, and I'll get Char. Oh, that rhymed.”

“Jane!”

“Sorry, I'm going!” Poor hallmark boy, he was just an innocent bystander who had to be alone the rest of the night.

“Janie-”

“Oh, Ben! I'm sorry, but I really have to go.”

“I understand, I just-” Then he kissed her, he just popped over and pecked her on the cheek.

“Oh-”

“Do you think I could call you?”

“Uh, sure, uh...”

“Her number is 655-5920.” Then I grabbed her and pulled her away. The number of times they said oh, it would have been another half an hour before they got to the phone number.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
*I am not being insensitive about ADD, my brother has it, I know it is a real disease. I just wanted to make sure that that was understood, so that I didn't offend anyone!

Chapter Two
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Will, why did you run off on me?”

“Carrie, I have said this to you once, but please, I am not interested in a relationship with you. I know you are Ben's sister and all, but that doesn't mean-”

“I think we're past these games-” She put both of her hands on my chest, “And its not like we don't have a history.”

“We were drunk Carrie, that doesn't count. It just makes me a jerk.”

“That's not fair, to you, or me.”

“I know, but could you please-”

“So I was just some drunken mistake?”

“No, I didn't mean. You are really pretty, and there are plenty of guys who would be lucky to go out with you. We just don't click.”

“Yes we do.”

“I am trying to be nice. I don't like you, as a person; and I definitely couldn't see myself with you.”

“That's not true.” What is wrong with her? I think she's deaf to everything but `Marry me Carrie, and please ake all of these credit cards!!'

“For god's sake take a hint!” I went to find Ben. She wouldn't pull this shit in front of him luckily. I tried to be a nice as I could. I mean it was my fault, I messed up by making out with her in the first place. But it was true, we were both drunk. Most people would have moved on by now, seeing as this is the second time we have a had that talk. I still haven't had the guts to tell Ben.

“Ben. Are you ready to go?”

“Did you- I kissed her- She gave me her number.”

“So it went well?”

“I love her.”

“That's stupid Ben. I've heard you say that a million times. You have only known the girl for an hour.”

“I know. I knew you were gonna say that. But, but Janie different...she's I don't know. I love her.” He looked so serious. So absolutely serious.

“Okay it just doesn't seem like you.”

“I know. You wanna know the weirdest part? She said that she was saving herself for marriage; and I didn't care! It doesn't even bother me! I still want to see her again!” Whoa.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I don't think it bothered me so much what she said, but the fact that he came to apologize, and the whole time he had a girl friend.”

“You aren't sure of that, you said he chased after you. Why would a guy with a girlfriend chase after you, when she showed up?”

“Its just so typical.”

“Why do you hate them all so much?”

“Who?”

“The summer people, its so irrational. Like you hate them for the sake of hating them. It doesn't make sense Lizzy, and its prejudiced.”

“Prejudiced?” Then I yelled at her. “Listen Janie, not everyone is as fucking wonderful as you make them out to be. It's not all flowers and goddamn bunny rabbits, okay?” She looked like she was about to cry.

“Okay. I think Irene asked me to sleep with the baby tonight.” And with that she stormed out.

I wanted to tell her, I really did, its just. I couldn't bear to have her thinking I was a tramp or something.

I wasn't always like this. Two summers ago, I guess that made me fifteen, I met John. John was gorgeous,and he was two years older than me. We had this perfect fairy tale romance. We declared our love for each other, and had picnics on the beach. He never introduced me to his parents, I guess I didn't find it weird at the time. We spent all summer together, since I wasn't working yet, since I was only fifteen. We'd take walks, or go shopping, or sit and talk. He was so interested in everything I had to say. That was why, near the end of the summer, when he suggested we sleep together, I went along with it. He said he wanted something to remember me by until he came back next summer. So we did, it was awkward and uncomfortable, but he said he loved me. He promised to call, and keep calling until he came back next June.

He never called, and I tried his number, but it said not in service. I started getting kind of angry but I knew something must have happened and that he would call me. He didn't. He never called me. So I waited till he came back.

His family did come back. This time they had another girl with them, I thought cousin or something. That's when I saw her kissing John. I was crushed. One day as I walked past them while they were on the beach, (They belonged to our beach club) he whispered something to her, and she looked at me and laughed. I ran off and cried that day.

The next day I approached him when he was alone. I can still remember exactly what he said to me, “Lizzy, sorry. I didn't know you thought I was serious. I never said I would call you, besides, we really don't click you know? You aren't the same kind of person that I am. Why do you think I never introduced you to my parents? You aren't exactly on our level. Kim is. I love Kim.”

I had a few choice words. I swore I'd never let that happen to me again. I mean you heard that that shit happened but you never believed it. Till it happened to you.

I never told Janie because I was embarrassed, but I guess I needed to go talk to her. She was in the baby's room, crying.

“Hey Janie, be quiet or you'll wake up Thomas Jr.”

“Go away Liz.”

“Can you come with me? There is something I need to tell you.” I looked at her and she looked back, she knew I needed to talk to her. Even though I had hurt her, she was still my sister, so she followed me to our room and we sat down on the bed. “Two summers ago, I met this guy named John...”
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

For lunch the next day, we end up at some pizza place. Those guys who gave Ben the tickets to hell last night said this place was `great, all of us hang out there.' Fine. It was just me, Ben and Carrie sitting down for a nice pizza when the Bennett sisters walked in.

“Go now Will.” Ben said.

“I don't want to go now.”

“If you keep putting it off, you'll never do it. Besides she's all you talk about, I'm getting sick of it.”

Carrie felt left out, “Who do you talk about?”

“Nothing,” I told her. Ben was right I needed to say it now. “I do not talk about her all the time, like you're one to talk anyway.”

So as Ben scampered off to invite Janie over for whatever, I got up and went to Liz. She looked at me like I was Hitler or something.

“Hey, I think we got off to a bad start-”

“Twice?”

“Yeah, well-”

“Don't you think that's a sign?”

“Can I finish a sentence? We don't have to be friends, at all. I just wanted to clear some things up. 1, my apology was sincere. 2, Carrie Bingley is not, never has been, and never will be, my girlfriend. I made out with her when we were drunk once, bad move, and I am paying the price.”

“Okay.” She looked at me and smiled. I saw that her eyes were brown, clear and almost like they were swirling around, kinda moving--like the really good tea your grandma makes.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I'll overlook some of your other behavior, since I guess I will have to be seeing you, with the recent developments between Janie and your boy.”

“I can do civil. Wait, what other “behavior”?”

“Let's not bring it up, okay? Let's part ways and leave it be.” I was about to say no, when-

“Hey, Liz, how's your sister, still on her knees next to Tim's mustang?” Carrie always knew the absolutely most incredibly wrong thing to say at any time.

Liz paused, said nothing, then responded, amazingly enough without violence. “Don't worry, I'm trying to `put the moves on your man.' Although, Will, I understand why you had to be drunk first.” Then she left. I smiled as I watched her leave.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“He asked me to come over! He asked me to come over!” Janie was dancing stupidly around our room. I couldn't help but laugh. “What?”

“I've never seen you like this.”

“I've never felt like this!”

I laughed again, “You're serious aren't you?”

“As a heart attack.”

“Nobody says that Janie.”

“I say it, so ha!” I think she just contradicted me. I don't think she's ever contradicted anyone. I'd never seen her like this. She was so happy. “Hey I saw you talking to Will again, what was that about?”

“He apologized for everything except the only thing he did wrong.”

“I thought you said he did everything wrong.”

“You know what? I don't even care, we settled everything, so that we can be civil around each other, for your sake. Other than that I don't care.”

“Are you sure? I mean, now that I know everything, with John-”

“That has nothing to do with Will. I promise I'm cool!”

It didn't. I had absolutely no feelings towards Will at all. He still had a nice ass though. Come on, a girl can't help that...a nice ass is a nice ass.

The next day Jane walked over to Ben's, I couldn't drive her cuz I had to do the fed ex runs for Daddy. At about 8 that night it started storming real bad, so I called over there.

“Yeah, you could come get me, I have soooo much to tell you!”

It was awful trying to drive over there it took a half an hour and, my 67 Nova hydroplaned like four times and we only live 3 houses and down the hill from the Bingley's.

The second I got there, Mr.Bingley insisted that we stay the night he didn't want me driving. He couldn't believe I had driven there as it was. “Sir, that's really not necessary.”

“No. I won't hear it, you and your sister can stay with Carrie all right?” He smiled and gave me a huge hug. What a nice guy...guess it runs in the family. Obscenely likable and sweet men, they are like poster boys for saying yes to cloning. Then of course there is the downside to cloning, Will.

We all headed downstairs to the den, where Janie and Ben quickly headed off to his room. That left the three stooges, me, Will, and Carrie. Yay! Will went to the computer, and started typing, so I picked up a magazine off the coffee table. Carrie found it necessary to, try and “attract” Will's attention.

First, she kept bending down and only looking at the bottom row of DVD's. This oddly enough put her rear end roughly 5 inches away from his face. He proceeded to accidentally stretch his arm and knock her over.

Then, she absolutely had to have the magazine on the opposite side of the computer desk. But she couldn't walk around to get it, she had to reach across him putting her overly exposed chest directly in his face. I'm surprised he could breathe.

“Excuse me Carrie, I can't see the screen.” Will said; so nonchalantly I burst out laughing.

Carrie gave me the evil eye as she backed up. “Shut up.”

She resigned herself to a chair in the corner, and turned on MTV. We all just sat there, for a reeeeeeeeeeeeally looooooooong time.

“What are you typing?”

“A letter to my sister Carrie.”

“Oh! Gracie! I miss her so much, can you tell her-”

“I already sent it.”

“Oh, well then.”

We all sat there again until Carrie had a “brilliant” idea. She had been reading Cosmo, and got inspired.

“Ohmigod! We all have to do this quiz. Before anybody protests, can they think of anything better to do?” She looked around and for the first time, she was right. We were all bored and how bad could her stupid quiz be? I sat on one end of the couch, and Will moved from the computer, to the other.

“Okay, the quiz is called, Who is your Mr. Right? Will, you're smart just pretend its for a girl, or a guy whatever.”

“Just because he doesn't think you're hot doesn't mean he's gay Carrie.”

She absolutely ignored me and went on, “I'll read the question, and the answers you tell me which one you want and I'll write them all down and tally it up at the end. Number one, your just-married friend is visiting for the weekend on a mission to get you coupled off. Where do the two of you go on your "manhunt"? a. A museum benefit, b. A major league baseball game, c. A poetry reading at the local coffee house, d. Dancing at your favorite nightclub. Oh, definitely A for me.”

Just as I was about to answer Will started answering too, and we both said, “C,” at exactly the same time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

As if I knew she was gonna say that! Just my luck, now Carrie is fuming, and Liz is just glaring at me.

“A, C, C; okay, next question, which of these pickup lines is most likely to work on you? a. What do you do for fun?, b. Your place or mine?, c. How do you stay in such great shape?, d. Read any good books lately? C for me!”

Then Liz started to open her mouth and Carrie said, “Will?”

“Uh, I'd go with D.”

“Me too.” Liz spat.

“Alrighty,” Carrie said through her teeth, “You're on a dinner date. When the waiter comes to take your order, you hope the guy you're with: a. Asks you what you would like, b. Wants to share some of your favorite dishes, c. Orders for you, from appetizer through dessert -- you get a kick out of old-fashioned, man-in-command behavior, d. Has a big appetite -- the portions look huge and you'll never finish yours alone. You first Liz.”

A ha, she has a new plan, I'm not quite sure what it is.

“I would pick A, if it was a first date, is it a first date?”

“Yeah.”

“Then A.”

“See Liz, that's why you don't have a man in your life, I would pick C, so he could feel really powerful. That's what guys want. Right Will?” She smiled, sickeningly.

“Actually, I'd say A too, I don't want some girl obeying my every command, right Carrie?”

“I guess some people see it that way.” She practically stabbed herself in the thigh writing down those answers. “Next, In an effort to get out and meet guys, you sign up to volunteer for a local politician's campaign. Your first day on the job, you take a look around and head straight for the: a. Politician himself, b. Door -- you'll have better luck joining a coed softball league, c. Speechwriting committee, d. Event-planning committee.”

Liz, “C.”

Me, “C.”

Carrie, “C.”

“You'd join the speech committee Carrie, didn't you almost flunk english last year?”

“No!” She wrote down the answers not without a quick glance back at the magazine. I'm pretty sure she was switching hers. “Number five, a first-date goodnight kiss can make you say yes to seeing the guy again if it: a. Is sweet and somewhat teasing and shows off his playful personality, b. Lands right on your lips -- you don't want to be left wondering whether or not the guy wants to see you again, c. Is accompanied by a high-five, d. Is planted gingerly on your cheek, followed by a gentle squeeze of your hand. Squeezing of the hand? Oh gag me. B. I don't even care what you two say this time.”

“D.”

“D.”

“Why do you both bother answering?” She cleared he throat, and continued, you invite the new man you've been seeing to your family's house for a Sunday afternoon barbecue. If he's the kind of guy you think he is, he: a. Effortlessly makes conversation with everyone, including your oh-so-dull brother-in-law, b. Plants himself right in front of the TV to watch football with the rest of the fans in the house, c. Brings flowers for both you and your mother, d. Offers to man the grill -- he makes a mean burger. B, because anybody who answers different is lying, every guy would do that.”

“Not every guy would do that, in C can he bring you flowers and your Dad a book or something, because no one should give the IreneFreak flowers.”

I laughed, she smiled at me, then blushed and looked away. What does that mean. I'm so confused.

“Hello! Will! Do you have an answer? Or should I just write C?”

“Yeah, its C.”

“You're at the video store looking for a flick for your date with Ben and Jerry. Suddenly you find yourself inviting over a guy who just rented the latest: a. gross out comedy, b. action flick, c. Julia Roberts movie, d. Sundance Film Festival Winner. B.”

“God Carrie you aren't even trying to lie now.”

“Why are you still bitching at me, if you claim you don't want Will?”

“Girls can dislike other girls without there being a guy in the middle, I know that's a foreign concept. I hate you for many reasons, none of which are Will. Do you need a list? And my answer is D.”

“Me too.” I said laughing again. Carrie is going to kill her.

“ Number eight, when the guy you've been seeing asks you to be his date for a wedding, you look at this as: a. A gesture that he wants a commitment but is too scared to show it, b. An opportunity to meet and party with his friends, c. A sign he knows you're the one, d. A challenge to see if you can keep up with him on the dance floor. Miss Bennet?”

“You are going to say C, but I will say B, and -”

“No I'll guess, Will is gonna say B too right?”

“I can't help it if Liz is right all the time Carrie.” This time it was Liz who was muffling the laugh. As she leaned over the middle of the couch and laughed, her hand slapped down on mine. I'm sure she meant to hit the couch. But it didn't matter. At that exact second, she didn't move, she didn't say anything. I felt a jolt go though my whole body, a tingle that started at my hand and spread, everywhere. She slid her hand all the way over mine. Then Carrie read the next question and Liz sat back up.

What was that friction from the couch? It wasn't her, I didn't just feel her run through me, did I? No, of course not...of course not.

“You and a coworker are cruising the halls checking out the company's recent hires. You're most likely to slow down and take notice of: a. The executive dining room, b. The Nerf basketball area, c. The library, d. A huddle of laughing coworkers. A.”

I didn't say anything, neither did Liz, then Carrie started yelling.

“C!” We both yelled at the same time.

Liz's head didn't snap to glare at me, instead she looked at her hands, playing with her fingers as she flopped them around in her lap. Did she feel something too? Well of course she did, friction electricity needs a conductor and something to conduct it to.

“Now this stupid quiz is almost over, who's idea was this anyway? Ugh. Ten, if your life were being made into a made-for-TV movie, you would want your leading man to be a: a. Jim Carrey-type, b. George Stephanopolous-type, c. Michael Jordan-type, d. Joseph Fiennes-type? I choose, George, 5 feet of tastiness!”

“What were the choices?” I watched Liz's eyes as Carrie read her the answers. They really were magnificent.

“Whatever, I'm not gonna keep reading you both choose D okay? Now let me tally this. I don't know why I'm bothering...”

I looked at my watch, it was only 9:30. I smiled. Why is that good? When I looked back up, I caught Liz watching me. Our eyes met for a moment. What did I see there? What did she see in me? I'm not even sure, we just couldn't move we were absolutely frozen in each other-”

“You both got 19, and I got 30. My Mr. Right is the confident cash cow, You definitely know what you want, a guy who's sure of himself. It's this self-assuredness that has gotten him where he wants to be. Perhaps he's at the top of the corporate ladder, the president of his condo board, or the most sought-after when his friends need advice. What you gain in a relationship with this guy is a companion who knows most of the answers and will make you feel safe and cared for. As great as this type of support can be, the reality is that your ideas and his won't always mesh. And once you tell him your take on a situation, he may argue with you and try to get you to see things his way. Don't let this get you down or make you stop thinking for yourself. Be careful though, you have a tendency to go after the big bucks, don't let your shallow side blind you to true love.

You two got the sensitive type, Isn't he sweet? You definitely go for the guy who has a serious case of feelings -- whether he wears them on his sleeve or not. Manners seem important to him, and to you. And it's a good bet your soul mate would as easily tune into ballads on the radio as he would stage a protest against cruelty to animals. Tapping into his soft side, however, may not always be so easy. A guy who's clued in to his feelings may also be protective of them. He might be down right negative, but if you think its right, let him know you want to get to know him better. Sensitive types think with their heart as well as their brain -- he'll get the hint. Are you serious? Well you two deserve each other. I have to go to the bathroom.”

Neither of us said anything for a minute, we just sat there. She was thinking about something, and hard, but what? What was I thinking about? Never mind it all. I don't have to think so much yet, I only just met her. Then again, every slight action has such an effect for both of us. I think, I mean, it might.

Hell, who am I kidding, I really like her. Really, really; and I think I could look at her eyes forever. They are so perfect.

She spoke first, “Are you really into the whole coffee house thing?” there was something in her voice, a test?

“Not really, but it was the closest option. I'm really into writing and everything, the coffee house scene is just so trendy anymore, its pointless to go to most. But I go to school in Manhattan, and there are so many options there. I found a really great group that I am a part of, its very...stimulating, for lack of a better word. Right answer?”

“What do you mean?” She pulled back, I was right. It was a test.

“That was a test right?”

She smiled, the tiniest bit of a smile. I wanted to fall into the couch and roll around in that smile. It was so honest.

“Yeah, it was, and you passed. If you ask me, we have a little too much in common its almost scary.”

“But we are both obviously looking for the same thing.”

“Are we?”
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

What am I doing? I think I am flirting. Eww. What am I on? But every time I try to hate him I see those eyes, and then he talks and his voice. His voice is so barely above a whisper, and yet its so much bigger than a whisper. Its full and warm, and what am I talking about? I couldn't possibly like Will Darcy pigheaded rich boy from Manhattan. Could I?

“I think we are.”

What do I say now? What do I say? Where are all of my precious words? Thanks for leaving today, I actually need you in real life and you totally run off somewhere. I am lucky, he talks again.

“I haven't ever met a girl that likes all of that stuff, let alone one who will talk to me without knowing whether or not I'm on scholarship, or if it all comes from future inheritance savings and trust.”

“That's not very fair to you.” All of the sudden I let out a huge yawn, that's attractive.

“Sleepy?”

“Yeah.”

He looked at me and held out a hand. What do I do with his hand?

“You could take it.”

Is he psychic? But I did take his hand. he pulled me across the couch and laid me against hs chest as he spread his legs onto the couch. I laid my head against him, and put my legs up on the couch. This felt so right and yet, so strange. Why was I laying with him. I hate him. But then that voice.

“I'm sleepy too.” And we fell asleep, legs tangled together, right on the couch.

Chapter Three

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I woke up very nicely today, nice and warm and happy. It was like how Sandy wakes up in the credits for Grease. I was in the middle of enjoying the forest animal attack when I realized that Will's arm was wrapped around me. I jumped up and screamed.

“Holy God!”

My shriek of terror apparently woke Will, and he sat up. “Are you okay? What's wrong?”

“I, uh, I have to go.”

I ran out of the room, desperate to find Janie. I have to go? What was that? I could have come up with something better. I have to pee would have been better. Where is Janie?

Door One: Carrie without make-up.

Door Two: Happy, smiley, Ben all curled up in his bed.

Door Three: “Wake up Janie I have got to go, now!”

“It's like 6 o'clock in the morning.”

“No time like the present! Please Janie!”

“I'm moving, but I have to say good bye to Ben.”

“Fine.”

We went to Ben's room so she could say bye. Will could have gone up there at any minute, if I was lucky though, he was still sitting on the couch wondering what the hell had happened. We went in and she shook Ben till he woke up. I waited outside but listened in.

“I have to go, Liz wants to leave.”

“Where did Will go?”

“What? Ben, I said Liz, you must still be sleepy.”

“No, last night after you went to bed, I went to see if anybody was still up and I saw Liz on-“

“Okay! Time to go Janie! Bye Ben.”

They smiled at each other as I dragged her out of the room, down the stairs and out of that house.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What the hell happened?

Why did she run off like that?

I have to go?

Where does she have to go at six `clock in the morning?

To the bathroom?

Why didn't she just say she had to pee?

I heard Ben run down the stairs.

“Hey man, Liz just gabbed Janie and ran out of here like a crazy person, what happened?”

“You tell me.”

“I came down here last night and I saw you guys…eh?” Ben grinned, implying something that I didn't want to think about.

“No Ben.”

“Well don't, I don't want anything to mess up stuff with Janie.”

“You're the man whore Ben, not me. Watch your own ass don't worry about me.”

“Hey, back off. My ass is firmly planted in my new found resolution of waiting till I'm married. I went online last night, and I found out that you can be a born again virgin.”

“Are you sure it wasn't porn?”

“Will-“

“I know.” I had to laugh at the poor guy. “Did you tell Janie?”

“No, it's a private personal choice. I'm saving myself for marriage.”

“Yeah right.”

“You just watch.”

“No thanks, I get cable.”

We sat there for a minute. I was still reeling from Liz, and now Ben. If Carrie bounds down the stairs with a new found love of biochemistry I might just kill myself. Then a shrill cry from upstairs let me know I had not awoken in another dimension.

“Who took my goddamn Neutrogena oil free face wash?” Ahh. Carrie is still a bitch.

“Will, are you sure you don't need to talk about anything? You look weird.”

“Nah, I'm fine.”

“What happened last night?”

“Well, we were all bored, and quite frankly, it was a very very awkward group of people, you know? Carrie decided we all needed to do some quiz from her Cosmo. Yadda, yadda. Me and Liz had exactly the same answer for every question. During it, we both kinda, I don't know, started to hate each other a little less? When Carrie left, we talked a little bit and then I just kinda offered, and she accepted and we just feel asleep like that. I don't really know why, and I can't really even say what I think. Hell, I don't know what I think, I'm just so confused. I don't know what to tell myself. I don't know what to tell Liz. I just- last night it was all so quiet, and nothing happened between us that wasn't good and perfect, we just kind of fell into each other, but at the same time I don't even know if I like her. Maybe I'm in love with her; maybe I just think she's nice, maybe I just want to get in her pants. Damn it.” I hung my head and just sat there. Ben didn't say anything; I don't think he knew what to say. I sure as hell didn't. “Am I scaring you Ben?”

“No, you just haven't ever shown so much interest in anything, well except your sister, but that's different. Liz gets to you, even if she doesn't do anything else. You can't find many people like that.”

“That's true.”

“You don't have to know what you think right now, just go with it.”

“This new found celibacy has brought much wisdom, oh great one.”

“Shut up.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I love Starbucks. Most people come here to try and be cool, but they are usually too scared to talk to anyone. So I can get my Double Café Americano and sit in the big squishy brown chair in the corner, and no one will say anything to me for hours. Once in a while I get hit on, but I ignore people as well as the next person.

Today I am at Starbucks to sort myself out. What did I say last night? Do last night? And why? These are very hard questions, which will hopefully get messy, full of holes, but slightly useful answers. I brought a notebook, and a plain old bic ball point pen. Now, I wait for the thoughts to come.

Unfortunately thoughts do not come, instead Josh Collins comes.

“Lizzie, hey.”

“You know that you are not allowed to call me by that name Josh, it is reserved for people I care about.”

“Touché Lizzie-“

“Touché my ass Josh.”

“Fine, Liz, if that's what you want.”

“Thank you.”

“I have a gig coming up. It's at Briody's, over by Little Silver.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“It would mean a lot to me if you would come.”

“Josh. You're a nice guy, and I know that you want to go out with me because I am the only girl at SBHS that hasn't fawned all over you cuz you're `in a band', but one of my best friends really likes you, so even if I was interested in you, girl code says you are off limits.”

“Liz, what Char doesn't know, won't hurt her.”

“Still not interested.”

“I understand that, but I still wish you'd come to the show. You know I wrote a song about you.”

“Really.” Oh come on.

“Yeah.”

“What's it called?” This oughta be good.

“Brown Eyed Girl.”

“Josh, if you remember correctly, this is Liz, not random groupie who you are trying to make out with. I know that's already a song.”

As Josh rambled on, across the store I saw the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. He looked up from his cup and saw me. Then he started towards me,

“Can I cut in?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey man, this is my territory.” Josh just called me his territory.

“Wow, Josh for that you can leave.”

“What?”

“Find another seat.” He got up and pretty boy sat down. We shook hands. “My name is Liz.”

“Gabe.”

We sat in silence for a moment. Then Will walked in.

“Liz I saw you from outside, and--Gabe?”

“Hello Darcy.”

“I, uh, I have to go.” Will looked at me with such hurt in his eyes as he repeated my earlier words. Oh hell.

“You know him?”

“Yeah, his best friend is in love with my sister.”

“The illustrious hound dog ben Bingley eh?”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing against your sister--never mind. What are your feelings toward Darcy?”

Talk about the hardest question ever asked. “Will? I don't have any particular feelings towards Will.” Right?

“Then I guess I can tell you why he looked at me like I was dog crap. I grew up with good ole Darcy. I was an adopted child. His parents were big philanthropists; but they were wonderful. They were paying for school, everything. The Darcy's died, but I was still treated as a real member of the family. Until Will found out about me and Grace. We were in love. Will wouldn't have it, some no name, no past, freak would not be with his sister. So he told the lawyer some lie, and I was taken out of the will, and got all of my college money taken away. Now I'm thinking about joining the army. So I guess, me and Will are pretty much dead to each other.”

I could not believe it. I knew I should have went with my first instinct. What was I thinking? That I liked him? I must have been crazy. “I knew it, I knew I was right to hate him. Arrogant son of a bitch. Dammit.”

“I'm sorry.”

I placed my hand over his. “Its not your fault, I just, thank you for telling me. I needed that so much. You don't even know.”

He pulled my hand up and kissed it softly. Oh wow. I could get used to this.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gabe? She sits around and talks to Gabe? What the hell is that? I can't even imagine what he's saying about me. Is this what they talk about when they say your ears are burning? My ears are burning. I'm burning all over. This isn't fair. Gabe ruins everything. My whole life, Gabe, Gabe, Gabe. Now I am in town for a week, and he shows up and puts the moves on the only girl I've ever been- no. No, I don't care about Liz.

I don't care about her at all, the way she laughs at me. The way she smiles that tiny little smile when she really likes something. The way her wavy blonde curls fall in her eyes making this, like, web, and if you look real close, you can see her eyes peeking through. The way that, no matter what she says, I can just picture her hands on her hips. The way she actually tells Carrie off. How she keeps her family all together, even if she doesn't like the majority of it. The way she calls me on anything. I can actually talk to her, even if I usually don't get out more than a sentence per conversation.

Fuck.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gabe Williams. I could get used to him, most definitely.

“Hey Liz!” It was Leah, my promiscuous younger sister.

“What do you need?” She sat down in the brown squishy chair next to me.

“Did you see that guy who just left? Ohmigod.”

“Yeah, I got a date with him.”

“You? Queen of the bitchy feminist club? You are dating the devil sex now?”

“I am not a bitchy feminist.”

“Whatever. “

“Why do you care?”

“I don't.”

“Oh. okay.” I waited a minute, me and Leah aren't really the best of friends, if you hadn't noticed. We don't have much to talk about. “So what are you doing in Starbucks?”

“Picking up cute artsy guys. Oh look, there's Josh Collins.” Oh god. Now she'll be in rock star chick phase. Just what I need. She went over to Josh, leaving me alone again, to think.

I thought about Will. I knew there was something about him. I knew I had a real reason to hate him. I should have just stuck with my gut. Its time to leave.

When I got home, Janie was on the bed writing Mrs. Ben Bingley on her government notebook.

“That's productive.”

“Oh hey Liz. Its soooooo nice to be on Christmas break, huh?”

“Yeah. I could use the extra fifty hours of sleep.”

“Did you know that Ben is throwing a New Year's Party?”

“I was unaware.”

“Yeah.”

“Janie, I have to tell you something.”

“Is this about Will...last night?”

“God no, its about Will though. I met this guy at Starbucks today, Gabe Walker, he told me about Will.”

“What about Will?”

“Will's family adopted Gabe and treated him like a real son. When WIll's parents died, and Gabe started seeing Will's little sister Grace, Will had the lawyer take Gabe out of the will. He also took away all of the money that was gonna pay for his college all because Will didn't approve of Gabe, who was an orphan, being with his sister. So now he is gonna join the army. I knew I should have trusted myself. I never should have stopped hating him.”

“I didn't know you ever had, stopped hating him, I mean.”

“Oh, I didn't, I meant I should have hated him more, I mean.”

“Yeah okay.” I never stopped hating him. I just didn't hate him that much for a little while. Why can't I just get him out of my mind?

The next second, Leah came bursting in the room.

“Weren't you just at Starbucks?” She was, I saw her, right?

“Yeah, and I cannot believe what I heard! Janie -- guess who Liz slept with!”

“Lizzie!”

Leah felt she had to sing the answer, “She b-b-banged your b-b-boyfriends' b-b-buddy!” She made up a perverted little dance too.

“What?!” This time I was yelling.

“Don't lie Liz, I heard that you were in a tangled, naked, embrace. Score!”

“Lizzie, I can't believe-”

“Janie, give me the benefit of the doubt. I cannot believe you are putting any stock in this at all--Leah said it. I did sleep with Will, but I didn't SLEEP with him. We shared the couch and all we did on it was sleep, with our eyes closed and our clothes on.”

This wasn't good enough for Leah, “You two are sooooooo boring.” She left, and not too soon.

“Thank you for your support Jane Anne.”

“Lizzie-”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Carrie!” Where the hell is she? “Carrie!”

“Yes?” She popped out from around the corner as if everything was all right.

“Carrie do you know what I just heard at the 7-11?”

“What?”

“Carrie, why don't you just tell me what I heard. For some reason I think you know.”

“I can't imagine-”

“Liz did not have sex with me last night!”

“Is she saying that? She's such a slut, I told you Will-”

“Carrie you know very well who said that-” Ben showed up just as I was going to kill his sister.

“Hey guys, what's up?”

All I could do was mutter some explicatives and run down into the den, and lock the door. Maybe Grace would be online. If Grace was online, I would be okay. Thank god!

KEROUAC223: Gracie?

aBellRang: Yeah, its me, how are things?

KEROUAC223: I'm in hell

aBellRang: Will, I'm sure its not that bad.

KEROUAC223: I met the girl of my dreams.

aBellRang: How is that hell?

KEROUAC223: When I finally got her to talk to me, she ran off and made a dinner date with Gabe.

aBellRang: Gabe who?

KEROUAC223: Gracie...

aBellRang: Oh god.

KEROUAC223: I know, I'm sorry to bring him up, I just I can't talk to anybody else. Ben is so happy right now, he's worthless. Carrie is satan. I'm sorry.

aBellRang: No, its okay.

KEROUAC223: No its not, it was selfish.

aBellRang: Will.

KEROUAC223: Okay. What am I supposed to do?

aBellRang: You need to tell her about...

KEROUAC223: She won't talk to me

aBellRang: You need to talk to her.

KEROUAC223: Gracie, I just want to die.

aBellRang: Don't say that Will.

KEROUAC223: But I do. When she was here I felt so, I don't know, but without her, I feel like, I don't know. God, I sound like such a dumbass. The only thing I do know is that I have known her for a week and I can't think about anything else.

aBellRang: Tell me about her.

KEROUAC223: Her name is Lizzie. She's from here, Sea Bright, NJ. Her Dad runs a beach club, they all do. She has blonde hair, and brown eyes.

aBellRang: And...

KEROUAC223: What?

aBellRang: What is she like?

KEROUAC223: She's perfect. She calls me on my bull shit. She bitches Carrie out. She cares about a lot of things, even if she pretends she doesn't. I can tell she's waiting for her passionate, horse-ride-into-the-sunset romance, but she pretends not to want it. She makes me want to dance.

aBellRang: Dance, oh Will has this girl drugged you? ;)

KEROUAC223: Shut up.

aBellRang: I think I'd like to meet her.

KEROUAC223: I hope you would like her. Although I don't see how it matters.

aBellRang: You can't give up.

KEROUAC223: What else can I do?

aBellRang: I don't really know.

KEROUAC223: See?

aBellRang: Are you in love?

KEROUAC223: I don't know yet.

aBellRang: Yet?

KEROUAC223: It's all I keep thinking about, and writing about.

aBellRang: Well at least you are getting material out of it. A poet's pain is a poet's paycheck.

KEROUAC223: Very funny.

aBellRang: I love you Wully Bully.

KEROUAC223: I love you Lady Grace.

aBellRang: As long as you have a pen, paper, and a heart, you'll be okay. God I sound cheesy!

KEROUAC223: I don't deserve such a nice sister.

aBellRang: Yes you do.

KEROUAC223: What would I do without you?

aBellRang: Take Ben's advice and hire a prostitute.

aBellRang: ttfn;)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Four

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He is telling people I slept with him? That is so typical, so fucking typical.

After I stormed out of the bedroom, I grabbed my keys, ran out to my car, and drove over to Ben's house; where I'm sure, Will was starting a phone tree, “Hello, this is Will Darcy, I recently screwed Liz Bennet, please inform the next person on your list.”

When I got to the house, I was so pissed I could feel how angry I was, like a million tiny little soldiers were trying to shoot through my skin and kill him. I knocked on the door until it was answered.

By Carrie.

I walked in and spun on her, “Where is Will?”

She pouted and looked at me, “Liz, he said he doesn't want to see you, after you spread all of those rumors about you and him, well I don't blame-”

Just then Ben walked in, I looked at him and I could tell I scared him, but he knew what I wanted.

“He's in the den.” He just pointed. I blew by him, a casualty of war.

I turned the knob of the door. It was locked. I knocked on it.

“Go away Carrie.” He called from inside.

“You wish, asshole.” The door was open within five seconds.

“Lizzie-”

“DO NOT CALL ME LIZZIE! We are no where near that level of intimacy, although for some reason, everyone I know seems to think we are. Do you happen to know why?” I just stared at him.

“You-” He was about to accuse me?

“I did not say that I had sex with you! Why in the hell would you think that I would say that, or ever sleep with you...it...it just figures.”

“Can you ever let me finish a fucking sentence? I didn't tell anybody that you,” He paused, we had both been yelling, and he suddenly dropped his voice to whisper, “that you slept with me. I would not to do that to anyone.”

“Yeah, well then who did?”

“God, Liz, who do you think?” He looked right at me, right into me, and I knew who had started the rumor. I suddenly turned very red.

“I...ugh...I have to go.” I turned to leave.

He grabbed my arm, “We need to talk.”

Then I remembered what Gabe had said. I pulled my arm back. “I don't want to talk to you. Just because you weren't a prick this time, doesn't mean that weren't one before.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I have it on good authority, that you have no problem getting rid of people you don't feel are worthy to be around you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Like you don't know? You know what, you probably did say I slept with you. You are just pinning it on Carrie because I would believe that.”

“You aren't even making sense anymore.”

“YOU aren't making sense.”

“I haven't said anything Liz.”

“Whatever.”

That was the second time I ran out of that house. I really didn't want to make it a habit. I could die happily never seeing Will Darcy again. I hopped in my car and started to bookstore where I was supposed to meet Gabe in a couple of hours.

I can't believe he tried to pass that off onto Carrie. I mean he probably said it. She could have said it. He doesn't have any reason to say that.

Before I knew what was happening, my eyes were filled with tears, and I couldn't see the road.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My head was spinning. what the hell was she talking about? I was pinning it on Carrie? I got rid of people?

“Hey man-”

Ben. Happy go lucky Ben. “Hi Ben.”

“What just happened?”

“If you don't mind, I'd like to pretend it never happened. I just want to talk about something else.”

“Sorry, Janie is on her way here, I was just gonna make sure that you were still alive.”

“Mostly.”

“No wonder you don't talk to anybody.”

“What?”

“I was just kidding-”

“What did you say?”

“You just, well normally you keep to yourself. I've never seen you interested in a girl. Until now. And I guess, well-”

“No wonder I don't talk to anybody.”

“It was just a joke.”

“Its funny.” I pushed out a laugh. Ben laughed uncomfortably with me. The phone rang, and we kind of just ignored it. Carrie answered it, and quickly yelled down to us.

“Ben, its for Jane. Its the drunken whore sister.”

“I'll get it down here.” Ben picked up the phone, “Hello?... No, she's not here yet... Liz what?... No, I'll tell her when she gets here... Is Liz okay?... Which hospital?... The only hospital, yeah sorry... Okay I won't keep you... thank you for calling.”

Liz? Hospital? “Ben?”

“Liz ran her car off the road after she left here.”

I just stared at him. What did I do now? I ran my hands through my hair and started to pace.

“Dude, what happened between you two?”

“Nothing, let's get to the hospital.”

“We have to wait for Janie.” Dammit. “Are you gonna ignore my question?”

“Nothing that would make her run her car off the road.”

“You sure?”

Just then Janie bounded down the steps. Her smile faded when she saw me. “Hi Ben.”

“I have bad news. Leah just called. Liz ran her car off the road into a tree. They are taking her to the hospital. She didn't know anymore than that.” She gasped and Ben hugged her. “Let's go get in the car. come on Will.”

“No.” Ben let her go. “He can't come.”

“What are you talking about? I want to see if she's okay.”

“Yeah right.”

I had never seen her look so mean. She was usually as gleefully complacent as Ben. “I'll stay here, go ahead.”

Ben looked at me, and then at Janie. I nodded. “I'll call you when we find anything out.” I nodded again. They left hand in hand, whispering as they went up the stairs and out the door.

I hate New Jersey.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I woke up slowly. The first person I saw was Janie.

“Hey Lizzie, how you feelin'?”

“Like I got a piano dropped on me.”

“Do you remember what happened?”

I thought back for a minute. I'm in a hospital. I was with Will. I was in the car. “I was in the car, what did I hit?”

“You ran off the road into a tree. The tree's okay. The car is gone. You are fine, some whiplash, minor cuts, and bruises. You were unconscious, but the doctor said that was because you probably fainted or something like that. I don't remember, you can ask him later. You're okay, that's all I care about.”

“Wow.”

“Do you know why it happened?”

I had been crying. Crying about Will? No. “I think a deer ran out into the road and I swerved. Who's here?”

“Um, me and Ben, Leah, Irene, Daddy, Tom Jr., and uh, what's his name, Gabe?”

I smiled. “Gabe is here? Can you send him in?”

She nodded, and left the room, within minutes, Gabe was walking through the door. “Hey sunshine.”

“Stop,” I blushed. He brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed a cut on my forehead.

“You feelin' okay?”

“Not too bad, I think I might be starting to feeling the painkillers now. I kinda just feel sore all over.”

“Well you ran straight into a tree. What happened?”

“Don't tell anyone, but I had just come from fighting with Will.”

“Darcy?”

“Mmm Hmm. He spread a rumor around town that I slept with him, and I went to confront him about it. He tried to pin it on Carrie Bingley.”

“Are you sure she didn't start it? That girl is a bitch.”

“He said she did, and I figured he was telling the truth, then I tired to confront him about you, and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. That's when I knew he was lying about Carrie.”

“Figures. I didn't think he'd stoop so low in regards to someone he just met. Is he here with Ben?”

“No, why would he be?”

“Well, from what I hear out there, Leah called Ben's house, but Jane wasn't there, so she talked to Ben. When Jane got there, he told her and they left. I assumed Will would have heard about it. Since he lives there and all.”

I felt a tear slip down my cheek...

“Hey now, don't cry cry over stupid Will Darcy. I was hoping you could-"

“I'm not crying over him. It just makes me mad, you know? That he knew how I felt when I left. At least he could have come to check. That would be what most human beings would want to do.”

“Remember who you are talking about.”

“I know.” Things felt fuzzy in my brain. Everything was mixed up and messed around. My thoughts were all over, like they were on a trampoline; darting every which way.

All I know is that Will is not here. Gabe is.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Why hasn't he called y-

The phone rang.

“Hello?... Ben, it took you long enough... How is she?... So she's okay?... You sure?... Really?... Has she woken up yet?... Janie and who?... Gabe? Gabe Walker?... Then find out... I just know him, okay?... Dammit, when can I get down there?... Well call me when you and Janie are about ready to leave okay?... Please?... Thank you... Yeah, I'm fine... Bye.” I hung up.

Its only been four days.

In four days my life has done a complete 360.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I would never like someone like Liz.

She's poor.

She's not a supermodel.

She's never flattered me.

She's only ever said about five sentences to me that weren't spiteful.

She hits me.

She talks back.

She doesn't always think before she speaks.

She doesn't kiss my ass.

She twists things around.

Why do I care whether she lives or dies?

Why do I even bother?

She doesn't care.

Right?

She believes whatever Gabe has been telling her, which cannot be anywhere near true.

Gabe.

So why do I care?

She's all I think about.

Her eyes.

Her wit.

Her smell.

Her opinions.

Her hair.

Her attitude.

Her smile.

She fits me perfectly.

When we were lying together, her curves fit mine just right.

Like somewhere, someone made two people who fit each other exactly.

And we were two in a set.

Her back against my chest.

My nose nestled in her hair.

My arm wrapped around her.

Our hearts finding the same beat as we fell asleep.

She hates me.

She would love for me to drop dead.

And I think I would.

If she asked me.

Who is doing this to me?

What did I do wrong to deserve this?

God help me--

I love Lizzie.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I spent my first night in the hospital. Janie stayed with me. Then, the doctors, wanted me to stay one more night, because something in one of the tests came up funny. I didn't really care. I didn't feel like going back to reality quite yet. I told Jane to leave though. She did.

I had had too much time to think.

Too much thinking time isn't always good.

Gabe.

I was liking him more and more every minute we spent together.

My feelings for Will drifted away to the back of my mind. I realized that I had started to like him. But Gabe had such strong feelings about him. Somewhere, I wasn't sure if Gabe was telling the truth; but why would he lie? People aren't looked down upon for unethical behavior anymore. Its not like it would change anything.

I figured that Will probably hadn't started that rumor, it had to have been Carrie. I don't even know why I said that anymore. I can really stick my foot in my mouth, I don't even have to try most of the time. I get so stupid in the heat of the moment.

Like I said, too much thinking time isn't always good.

I was about to go to sleep. They were letting me out in the morning. the nurse gave me my painkillers and left me for the night.

I looked up, and in the doorway, I saw Will standing there.

My jaw just kind of dropped. He was just standing there, watching me. I met his eyes with my own, and he turned his gaze away. I saw a tear welling up in his eye and he blinked it back. Then he looked at me again.

I opened my mouth to talk, but nothing came out. He just nodded. Then I snapped my mouth shut, pulled up the blankets and rolled over onto my side, turning my back to him.

Damn that boy.

I just never knew what to do with myself around him.

Somehow he knew though.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Five

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There was something different when she looked at me. Something softer? She didn't look so hurt?

Shall I wax poetic? What is it about this girl that turns me into a pile of the insides of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I've become this sentimental, squishy, worthless, horribly mutated version of my former self. How long has it been since I watched a soccer game? Had meaningless sex? It's like I'm--oh god.

I've turned into a woman! Or worse yet, I am some woman's version of Gray Stonington III from some trashy romance novel.

Maybe its not all that bad. Love can turn men into fools just as easily as women right?

I can melt dammit!

I mean, I really liked Sense & Sensibility. That doesn't make me a bad person.

And there is nothing wrong with what I'm feeling. Nothing besides the hole in my stomach because she doesn't love me too.

I went to see her on Christmas Eve. Jane had finally left, and gone home; so all was clear and I could show up at the hospital. She had to stay one morn night and would be going home on Christmas morning.

I finally got up the courage to go into her room and the nurse showed up to give her her pills. When the nurse left, I peeked in the window. She is awake, but she looks like she's thinking, I watch her for a moment. What is she thinking? I open the door and wait for her.

She looks up at me. That's when I see it. There is no anger in her eyes anymore. No hurt. And a realization. Its not love, not at all, but...

I'm not the bad guy anymore.

I have to turn away for a moment. That must be enough for me, because I have to blink back tears.

I look back and she opens her mouth. I know she wants to say something, but she doesn't have to, I know what she wants to say--

I'm not the bad guy anymore. I know. I nod.

But then she tightens up and turns away.

But it doesn't matter.

Because I'm not the bad guy anymore.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I got home on Christmas morning the first thing I saw was Irene. Not exactly the best way to start the day.

“Oh well, little Miss what-do-I-care-about-the-car-insurance-premium is home!”

“Irene!” My daddy came to my rescue.

“Thomas, I'm very glad she's all right, but swerving to miss a deer is no reason to run into a tree.”

“Irene go get me more coffee.” He sent her off to the kitchen with that.

“You know some days I swear you love that girl more than you love me.”

Daddy pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear, “Who's arguing?” I giggled. “Its good to have you home Lizzie.”

“Its good to be home.”

“Hey Liz,” Leah was up already? “I met Gabe at the hospital. We really hit it off.”

“I'm sure you did.”

“I'd watch out if I were you Liz.” I rolled my eyes at Leah's not-so-veiled threat and went to put my stuff upstairs and change into comfy clothes. Janie followed. I laid down when we got to our room.

“Its amazing how much being sick can take out of you. I'm so tired.”

“Not to mention the extremely large doses of vicadin.”

“That helps.” I paused. I wanted to talk about something with Janie, but I wasn't sure if I should let her know that I had even been thinking about it. “Um Janie, Will came to the hospital-”

“What? When?”

“calm down.”

“I told him he wasn't welcome, I am gonna tell Ben about this.”

“You what?” I wasn't angry yet, but I had a feeling that Janie had gone and done something stupid.

“When Ben told me about the call from Leah, Will wanted to go with to the hospital. I let him know that his presence was not required. That-that-that- asshole!”

“Janie!”

“What? I can swear.” She tried to look tough for a minute. “Not really. I didn't mean it.”

I laughed at her. But I decided not to say anything to her. I wasn't quite sure about Will, and obviously with this wild cursing on Janie's part, the whole situation had her mixed up, and quite frankly, acting out of character. “Its okay Janie.”

“Did he harass you or something?” Harass?

“Harass? Sorry nothing as drastic as harassment. I'm just glad he's out of the picture.”

“Almost.”

“Almost?”

“Well, there is Ben's New Year's Party...?”

“Don't worry, I'll still be your date.”

“Good. Now let's get you dressed and downstairs to join in the festivities.”

I needed to talk to someone about Will. I need wall to bounce things off, and right now Janie is just too, well I don't think she can handle my problems along with hers. I mean good god, I've driven her to swearing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I ever hadn't spent a Christmas without Lady Grace, but the school she was at said she couldn't leave for break anyway. She could have visitors though, but they couldn't stay over night there. So I had to find time to just leave everything and fly for one day. But Aunt Kate said the expense was superfluous. I know that we have enough money. It sucks that she is the executor of our parents' will. Aunt Kate means well- wait...she doesn't mean well, she just a nosy bitch. I love relatives.

Mr. Bingley was great, we all got presents, even me. Ben got me a new journal. It was pretty cool looking too. Its black leather with natural paper, and the word “journal” burned into the cover. I got him something a little less than serious.

“Books? Celibacy, Culture, and Society : The Anthropology of Sexual Abstinence, by Elisa Janine Sobo and How to Regain Your Virginity, by Patricia Marx and Charlotte Stuart.”

“I did a search on Amazon.com for male virginity, and all it turned up was a travel guide for the U.S. Virgin Islands. Sorry bud.”

All in all Christmas was good.

The week or so after was fun too. I got a lot of reading done I finished White Teeth and House of Mirth. I finished my paper on Emily Dickinson, Anne Sexton, and Sylvia Plath's obsession with death. Plus I helped Benny boy with his new year's party, I had mixed emotions on my appearance at the event, but was still going to help him out. He was so nervous about impressing these people.

“The majority of these people have never even been in a house this size Ben, let alone been invited to a party in one.”

“Will.”

“Well it's true. Do not worry about impressing these people.”

Plus I got to talk with Gracie again, she kept trying to get me to talk about Liz, but that wasn't gonna happen. I just made her tell me about school.

KEROUAC223: So how's things?

aBellRang: They are having auditions for the musical in two or three weeks.

KEROUAC223: and?

aBellRang: I don't know, it sounds like a nice show.

KEROUAC223: You should audition for it then.

aBellRang: Oh god, I could never put myself up there like that.

KEROUAC223: Sure you could.

aBellRang: No Will.

KEROUAC223: all right.

aBellRang: You are going back to Manhattan for school right?

KEROUAC223: That reminds me. Aunt Kate's annual new media puppets dinner is coming up, be my date?

aBellRang: I was hoping you already had one.

KEROUAC223: Gracie, I don't bug you, you don't bug me.

aBellRang: all right all right...

KEROUAC223: I'll call in a three day family emergency pass for you.

aBellRang: Yay!

KEROUAC223: Maybe, just maybe if you are good, I'll take you to see Cabaret again.

aBellRang: Please don't; Brooke Shields is still in it, and she was excruciating. So bad I had to close my eyes and pretend I was hearing Natasha Richardson from the album. Besides, I wanna see Urinetown!

KEROUAC223: What?

aBellRang: Its a new musical about a town where a corrupt politician has taken control of the toilets and you have to pay to pee.

KEROUAC223: Right about now Brooke Shields is looking talented.

aBellRang: Wiiiiiiiiiilllllllllll

KEROUAC223: Fine. Urinetown it is.

aBellRang: Yipee!

Call me crazy but it sounds to me like Gracie's taste is slowly diminishing. But I don't know. I haven't seen Urinetown yet, it could be phenomenal. At least its not Phantom of the Opera. I'd rather cut off my leg than sit though that shit again.

So I keep busy.

Because if I don't keep busy, my thoughts turn elsewhere.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You're what?” I couldn't believe the words pouring from my sensible, intelligent friend's lips.

“I'm dropping out, and going with Josh to New York to help him get discovered. I'm gonna be the manager for the band.”

“Char please, please tell me you're kidding.”

“Look Liz, if you are gonna act this way--”

“No, no, I'm sorry, it's just, it's weird okay Char? You have to give me that.”

“Yeah. But this is a chance for me too, to get to New York and try to get my art out there. Plus, I think I really love Josh.”

“Okay, now that I don't have to support.”

“Liz, friendship can grow into more. Just because you hate Josh, doesn't mean I do. We started out awkward acquaintances and now, well its very different.”

“Obviously.”

Everything is so messed up. I came to talk to Char about Gabe and Will, and all of the sudden she is quitting high school and moving to the city. I am so confused anymore. Who am I supposed to talk to? I need somebody to bounce things off of. I need to talk about my problems. It just seems like everyone else has these huge situations going on, and I can't possibly bring up, the whole world's in love with me, and I think I hate one guy and love another, but then again I don't know, poor me!

I didn't want to be a bitch, but I wanted some freaking attention. So I called my English teacher.

“Julia Goodwin, at your service.”

“Hey Ms. Goodwin, its Liz.”

“Hi Liz, how's break been?”

“Good, scary,” I paused, “actually pretty bad.”

“Did you want to meet for lunch or something?”

“That would be sooooo great.”

“Let's see, day before yesterday was Christmas, yesterday was the all important Canadian Boxing Day, and today is useless day, so how bout tomorrow? We can meet at Carlos O'Connors at noon.”

So we met there. Will I have luck, or does Ms. Goodwin have a crisis?

“So he says to me, `what do you mean my book aren't real, they're here aren't they?' So I pulled my copy of Huckleberry Finn out of my pocket, and he called it ratty, old, and ugly. I can't ever go out with him again! My daughter says I don't get to pick anymore because I'm 55, but I am not going out with some rich old coot, who thinks that books that have been loved are ugly.”

No such luck, that was the end of a two hours long story.

“You don't have to, damn right Ms.Goodwin.”

“But what about you, you said you weren't having such a good break.”

“Yeah, but I have to go. I have to do my Dad's fed-ex runs at 2:45 and it takes me 20 minutes to get there from here.”

“I'm so sorry Liz, I just got started--”

“Please don't worry about it. I thinks its a sign. You are the third person I've tried to talk to about this, it is obviously just not meant to be.”

“Well, at least I can give you a little bit of advice. Don't give fate too much credit. She can't do everything by herself, so remember to help things along sometimes, and don't be afraid to work for what you want. Also this: `She survived whatever happened, she forgave, and she became.'”

“Who said that?”

“W.H. Auden, its from `The Model.'”

“Its perfect.”

“Well, at least I served a small purpose. That and I can take the bill.”

Can I go to this party? Yes, yes I can. Do I know what I am gonna do? No, no I don't.

When I got home from lunch and fed-ex running, I saw two bouquets of flowers on the doorstep.

Rhododendrons and Variegated Tulips.

I know I haven't said anything about it before, but I am a little bit of a flower buff. I don't garden or anything like, but I like flowers, and their stories. Which is why these two very particular plants struck me so.

Shall I look at the good or the bad first?

Bad first, the pink rhododendrons. They are beautiful flowers, but unfortunately, they mean, “danger stay away.” I look at the card,

“I can't wait to be with you again. I can't wait to feel you lips against mine again. Love--Gabe”

How did I know that? Somewhere deep in my gut I knew that.

Now for the good. They had no card, but it didn't matter because they were variegated tulips, white with blood red accents. Variegated is a big word for specifically multi colored or something. Variegated tulips, meant one thing, loving enchantment with the eyes.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Six

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I think that maybe I can move on. I've been spurned by a heartless woman. I know its such melodrama, seeing as its been, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 days? I think it would be best for me to try and just forget everything that has happened here. I've never been open about how I feel, for some reason I was here, but it didn't yield good results, so why continue you know? It seems stupid.

It won't be that hard.

I'm going to the bookstore.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was happily perusing the american authors section when I ran into the man of many, many hours.

“Will-”

“Liz, how are you? I guess you're feeling better.”

“Yeah.” Talk girl, talk!

“So, uh, Ben said you swerved to miss a deer.”

“Will...” I looked at him, he looked through my eyes to all of the way down to my toes. “There wasn't any deer.”

“What do you mean?”

“There wasn't any deer.”

I just looked at him, willing him to know what had happened, and I knew through his fucking psychotic six sense about everything I was thinking, that he would understand.

“I never thought there was.” He waited. “I wanted to come see you. I tried to leave the second I heard, but Ben said we had to wait for Jane, and when she got there...” he trailed off and looked away. I touched his arm lightly.

Oh god, no contact. My entire body just heated up. I have just got to be totally flush right now.

“I know Jane told you not to come. She told me, and she was proud, she even swore. Poor thing, my problems have driven her to depravity. For christ's sake she asked if you harassed me.” He laughed. “I was mad at first that you weren't there, but Gabe said-”

“Gabe?”

“Listen, I don't want to be a part of your dealings with him. I want our relationship to be ours, whatever it is. And I want mine and Gabe's relationship to be just that- mine and Gabe's.”

“What did he tell you?”

“I just said-”

“Its not true Liz. Please believe me.”

“You don't even know what he said.”

“Gabe can't be trusted.”

“Why because he's not good enough?”

“Of course not, because Gabe was my best friend, I know him through and through. At least I thought I did, until some very unfortunate incidents, that I would rather not-”

“I would rather.” I stared him down, he broke first.

“Let's drop this, we were getting somewhere for a moment back there.”

“Yeah well...”

“No, please, let's not do this again. It hurts too much.” I looked at him. He stepped back when he realized what he said. He closed his eyes and I knew he was chastising himself. He had let something slip.

“Okay. I am going to be absolutely honest with you right now. Don't say anything till I'm done.” He nodded. “I like Gabe, he is handsome and charming, and my rules say handsome and charming can't really be handsome and charming. So I am very confused about Gabe. He told me about your past and I have to say I believe some of it. I didn't think that you would do something like what he said, but I have had some not so good experiences in the past, which made me believe a little of what Gabe had to say. And you, you, you are something else. We can't seem to find a common ground. But you know me, its like you know what I want, what I think, and its so annoying, but at the same time, it doesn't bother me.”

“I don't know what you want, I just know what I want. I can't help it if-” He looked into me again, and then I knew.

“Did you send them?”

“Excuse me?”

“The variegated tulips?”

“You know what variegated tulips are?”

“I happen to be a flower buff. Did you send them?”

“I-”

“Do you know what they mean?”

“Of course I know what they mean, why do you think I sent them? Variegated tulips aren't exactly easy to find in the middle of winter.”

“Is it true?”

“I don't lie.”

“Of course you don't.” I paused and took a deep breath. “So I have two options, both too good to be true. Handsome and charming, or handsome and mysteriously able to read my mind and be perfect. So who's the liar?”

“You think I'm handsome?”

“Don't even, you know what you look like.” We both smiled in silence for a moment, our eyes flirting, and then, bam:

“Liz, why do you run?”

“What?” Where the hell did that come from?

“You run, you say things that you know aren't anywhere near true just because you have to get out, and you don't know what to do, that's just to start. I asked you why you run.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I don't...” Her voice trails off, and I look at her. We both know what is gonna happen. She smiles at me. She closes her eyes. It's real slow, I can see her eyelashes hitting her cheeks. I lift my hand and touch her face, I see her gasp a little bit, and then exhale and inhale very deeply. I snake my arm around her back and pull her in to me. Our bodies are pressed tightly against each other. I can feel her heartbeat. I brush my thumb across her lips and bend my head down. She pulls away, biting her lip.

“Liz don't.”

“Don't what?”

“How long can you keep this up? Huh? When is it impossible to lie?”

“I, uh, I have to go.”

And she ran.

“Goddamn it.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Daddy?”

My dad was sitting alone in his tiny office/Thomas Jr.'s nursery.

“Lizzie?”

“How did you meet my mom?”

I sat down on the changing table as her turned to look at me.

“That seems pretty random. Troubles in love my dear?”

“Why do you have to talk like that? It just reminds me that this is nothing special, and people have been doing it forever.”

“Is this about Gabe, that boy at the hospital?”

“Kind of, kind of not.”

“So its a scientific problem.”

“Daddy.” I whined, he couldn't resist me when I whined.

“I'm sure that everything will be fine. Did you ever find out who the other flowers were from?”

“Yes.” I looked down, and began to fiddle with my bracelet.

“Ah, so its about Mr. Variegated Tulips.”

“Yeah.”

“Who is he?”

“Will Darcy.”

“Oh, the uh, the one with, the uh...”

“Yeah, the one the entire town thinks I slept with.”

“Okay, the plot has thickened.”

“Immensely.”

“Well, do you like him at all?”

“Yes, but I also know some very bad things about his past, from Gabe.”

“Have you asked Will about them?”

“No, I knew I would get angry, he just said not to trust anything Gabe said.”

“That's a little weird.”

“I know, that's just it.”

I let my head drop into my hands. Everything is so confused, I start to think I am getting a little bit clear about things, and then I attempt to make out with Will in the middle of the bookstore. What am I smoking?

“Lizzie, you think too much.”

“How is that possible, it seems like nothing I do makes sense, so in turn, much more thought should be necessary.”

“I know you have trust issues with men, I remember what happened. But why don't you trust yourself Lizzie? You never trust yourself, you run away away when the going gets tough.”

“I -” But I couldn't finish, because Irene began to yell.

“Thomas, its crying again!”

“Duty calls.” He patted me on the knee and left.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ben's party came around a lot faster than I expected. Of course I wasn't in much of a partying mood. I don't know how Ben managed, but his Dad had a gala to go to in Manhatan, so he couldn't be there; and Ben had set up a liquor store in his kitchen. Of course, he and Janie only had 2 glasses of champagne apiece, all evening. He had changed a great deal, in a very short time. Dionysus Ben was gone, replaced with, I don't even know, Jehovah's witness Ben?

I saw Liz come in, she didn't look thrilled to say the least. I'm sure she was there as a favor to Janie.

Carrie got drunk and spent the entire evening trying to keep random guys off of her.

I settled in a chair in the living room with my third tequila shot.

“Carrie I'm too drunk to bitch slap you, so just hold on a sec.”

I listened closely. It was Liz and Carrie around the corner. Both obviously intoxicated.

“I'm not too drunk!” Carrie yelled, then I heard her hit the wall.

“You missed.”

“Ass.”

“Okay, I have an idea. Will is just around the corner, in the living room, let's both take off our shirts and our bras, and yell, check out my rack. We'll see who he likes better.”

What the hell?

“The living room? But everyone is in the living room.”

“I knew you wouldn't do it.”

“I'll do it.”

“Okay, lets unhook first, ready? One, two, three.”

Then Carrie ran out into the living room, and whipped off her shirt and bra, yelling, “Hey! LOOK AT MY RACK!” Oddly enough, Liz didn't follow, she just began laughing hysterically along with the rest of the room. Carrie turned bright red, covered herself, and ran back out of the room. I couldn't help but applaud Liz. I got up and went around the corner to say something to her, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

I saw Gabe pulling her up the stairs.

Where is the tequila?

After my fifth shot, I just wanted to go to sleep. I think I stumbled up the stairs to my room and opened the door, and what did I find?

Gabe with no shirt on, and his hands all over her.

“For fucks sake, couldn't you find another room? You had to have sex with him on my bed Lizzie?”

Gabe jumped up and left Liz alone. He dropped his voice to low whisper. “This was even better than Gracie Will, Liz said your name when I touched her.”

I looked behind him and I saw Liz pull her knees to her chest and cover her face. I tried to resist the urge, but I couldn't. I punched Gabe right in the eye. He fell down, but got right back up. I stepped forward.

“I'm not fighting you, she's not worth it.” Gabe pulled on his shirt and left. I shut the door behind him and leaned against the wall, sliding down to the ground.

“Will-”

“Don't.”

She stood up to leave and then she just passed out. So I picked her up and put her on the bed. Then I went back to my seat on the floor.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Oh my god. My head hurts so bad. I am never drinking again.

Yeah right. That's what I said last time.

I sat up and noticed that I was not wearing a bra.

Then I noticed that I was not in my bed.

Then I noticed that Will was sitting on the floor.

Then it all came rushing back and I felt sick. When I tired to stand up, I fell off the bed (it was one of those high ones).

“You're up.” His voice. It was different, so very different. It didn't tickle my skin anymore. It was so so cold and hard.

“I don't know what to say to you.”

“That's a first.” It stung. I felt my whole body tense, my throat closed up.

“You-” It came out a croak. Water welled up in my eyes and I tightened my lips, trying to bite back the sobs. It didn't work, my entire body began to cry. “I'm sorry Will.”

“I made sure you stayed the night so you didn't drive home drunk, god forbid I am the reason you get in a another wreck. You can go find your sister and go home now. Drive or walk, doesn't matter.”

I tried to speak, but nothing came out but loud, crying, sobs. My whole body ached.

“Don't forget your bra Lizzie.” With that, he walked out the door, leaving me to my awful sobs.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Seven

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There are times in life, when you would seriously welcome death. right now is one of those times. Unfortunately for me, none of my problems look as terrible as they feel. I would guess, that to an outsider I look fine.

But I have seriously hurt another human being, and for no other reason than when I get drunk, I get a teeny weeny bit hormonally charged. Okay, that's an understatement.

But why did I do that? One of the few things that I definitely knew was that Gabe was sketchy. I didn't get a straight story on him from anyone. So, why after refusing to kiss Will do I jump into bed with Gabe?

I was drunk.

Doesn't seem to cut it.

I will never forget the way Will was totally and completely relaxed and calm as he told me to walk home. It didn't phase him at all. I lost him.

I didn't lose him. I never had him. Besides why would I want to have him? Why does it matter to me? Why do I care?

Oh god.

I seriously need to ask myself a question.

Do I love Will Darcy?

I-

Can I have lied to myself about something so important?

I-

No, I don't.

Stop.

Have you ever gotten so far gone that you have actually convinced yourself that you feel something that you don't, or vice versa? I have once before. And suddenly, I have that same disgusting feeling again.

That I have been lying to myself.

That it is time to come clean.

My actions haven't lied.

I've distrusted Gabe slightly, and why would I do that, unless-

I did want to kiss Will, and why would I want to do that, unless-

It does matter to me if Will is hurt, and why would it, unless-

I do care what he thinks of me, and why would I do that, unless-

I did say his name as Gabe touched me, I wanted it to be Will, and I closed my eyes and pretended, and why would I do that, unless-

For Christ's sake, he got me so upset I started crying and ran into a tree, and why would I do that, unless-

I loved him.

Suddenly, I feel a huge imaginary rock lifted off of my chest. I've come clean, I've told the truth. I love him. Despite everything I know about what he did to Gabe, I love him. But what have I done?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I think that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Now I know why I was afraid of my emotions for so long.

I wish I had never come here. I wish none of this had ever happened.

`It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'

My ass. Fuck Tennyson. I'd pay good money never to remember Lizzie Bennet.

Well, scratch that, maybe I never even loved at all. Its impossible to love someone in so short a time. Love is an intricate, complex, thing. So I guess I didn't/don't love Liz. Otherwise, I would be enjoying this, right? Rolling around in a pool of my own tears? I'm so confused, why don't they teach us this stuff at school? Lotta good that AP Calc is doing me now.

Carrie and I hopped a train back to New York that evening. I didn't even try to convince Ben. He was hopeless. Carrie was wonderfully silent the entire night. We got back to the apartment at about ten that night.

The arrangement for this apartment is very interesting. Five people live here: Me, Gracie, Ben, Carrie, and Mrs. Reynolds. Gracie and I have no parents, they died; a year and a half ago. Mrs. Reynolds is our nanny of sorts. We don't need a nanny, but she is there to cook and clean, and make sure we aren't out participating in illegal activities. Ben and Carrie Bingley live with us, so that they have a permanent residence during the school year. Their parents are alive, but they travel so much, it sucks for Ben and Carrie, so they live with us and Mrs. Reynolds too. Its fun, mostly. Mrs. Reynolds unfortunately has decided that we are all unhealthy, because she will only feed us fruit, vegetables, tofu, noodles, and organic carrot juice. Gracie is the only one who likes it. She says that eating clean food, as she calls it, will make our bodies clean and make us feel better. All that crap just makes me feel hungry. But tonight, for the first time I was happy to smell Mrs. Reynolds veggie tofu lasagna.

“Smells good Mrs. R.” I oozed.

“Don't lie Will, you are horrible at it.” I hugged the skinny old woman tightly. “Stop! Stop! You'll break me.”

“Sorry.”

“I have a surprise for you.”

She walked towards the door to the pantry. “Should I be afraid?” I ask.

“I don't know.” She opened the door, and inside stood, Gracie covered in spaghetti sauce.

“Gracie! What are you doing here?”

“I love you too!” She said, putting her hands on her hips. I couldn't believe how grown up she looked. Then again, she did grow up a lot faster than most teenage girls.

“Sorry.” I hugged her, not minding that I got sauce all over me. I hadn't seen her since September. She went to a private school for teens recovering from trauma. She wasn't allowed to go home, or to leave the school except summer vacation. Thus, all the nonsense with the three day pass. She had been there for two semesters, last spring and this fall. But there she was standing in front of me.

“Since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you that a certain young lady was doing so well in her therapy sessions, that she is being allowed to try out Nodlon Academy for the spring semester.”

“Are you sure, you're ready?”

“I think so. I feel good. And I look good. And missing you has become a lot more painful than the reason I was there in the first place. So, me and Dr. Cass decided I should try a semester at regular school, and keep seeing her. I already have all the paperwork done with the lawyers and everything. I asked them not to tell you. So they dealt directly with the schools. What do you think?”

“Having you home all the time again. Oh god.” We hugged again and we both laughed. Mrs. Reynolds appropriately began to cry. Making a perfect dysfunctional American family portrait. Son, daughter, nanny, and lawyers. Lovely.

“You two, I don't think I ever saw a bunch of siblings who cared so much about each other while they were still so young.”

“He's all I got, I can't be picky Mrs. R.”

“Grace Kathleen Darcy!” Mrs. Reynolds scolded.

“Don't worry, I'll spank her.” With that, Gracie ran screaming out of the kitchen. Maybe everything was going to be okay.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was settled, I was going to see Will today. It was the day after New year's day. I had had a day to think, he had had a day to try to forget what I had done. It would be perfect.

If only I could get out of the car.

Open door, put feet outside, stand up. Okay, I did it. Now, walk to the door. I made it. Now all I have to do is ring the doorbell.

I took a minute, but Ben answered the door. He looked at me oddly.

“Hi Ben, is uh, Will here?”

“Liz, Will's gone.”

“Gone?”

“He and Carrie left for the city last night. Nodlon classes start back up tomorrow.”

“Oh, I didn't know.”

“Is there anything you wanted me to pass on? Or did you want his phone number?”

“No.”

I just kinda looked at the ground. I didn't know what to say. In all my strategizing, I hadn't come up with this fork in the road. But it wasn't really a fork. It was a dead end. Will was no longer here. He was not an option. I could chase after him into New York. But a lotta good that would. If he had wanted to see me, he would have told me he was leaving. He would have left a note or something, right?

“Liz?”

“Sorry.” Apparently I had done all his thinking while still standing at Ben's front door. “I'll see you later I guess.”

I walked back to the car, defeated. I had ruined my self, I had tripped up my own plans. My stupid mouth, and my stupid hubris, ugh.

When I got home I went and fiddled around on the computer, then I checked my e-mail.

From  Gracie Darcy ([e-mail])
Sent  Sunday, January 2, 2001 8:18 am
To  Lizzie Bennett ([e-mail])

Hi,

I don't think you know me. But, well I guess I don't know you either. We do have a mutual acquaintance. Will Darcy is my big brother. Don't worry, I'm not sending you a virus or anything. I know the whole sordid story. I just thought I'd drop you a line, see what all the fuss was about.

So, if you want to e-mail me back otherwise, I'll be online tonight at 8:30 or 9. Will won't be here. I just wanted to talk to you.

Well, anyway,
Gracie

If that wasn't the weirdest thing I have ever received I don't know what is. E-mail from Will's little sister. She wants to talk to me. It was seven thirty now. I have one, two hours before I guess I was gonna meet her online.

School starts tomorrow. My world has changed so much from before christmas break. Who would have thought that winter would have brought anything but cold to the jersey shore?

I wrecked the car.

I created and destroyed a relationship within the course of 2 weeks.

Janie has fallen passionately in love.

Char has dropped out of school and run off with Josh Collins.

How could things have happened so fast?

“Lizzie?”

I spun around to find Janie in the doorway.

“Hey, how ya doin?”

“Good? Ben said you dropped by this morning about Will.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, what's that about?”

“I wasn't asking about Will. I left my sweater there.”

“I could have gotten it for you.”

“I really wanted it, and you were busy.”

Was she buying his? I almost was.

“Well, okay. You comin down for dinner?”

“Yeah.”

After and hour of screaming from Thomas Jr., bitching from Irene, indecency from Leah, silence from my Dad, and happy smiles from Janie, I was more than happy to escape back upstairs and talk to Gracie.

I signed on and waited.

Then I got that familiar chime.

aBellRang: Liz?

WildeAboutU: Yeah.

aBellRang: This is weird.

WildeAboutU: You're telling me.

aBellRang: Well, I'm Gracie Darcy, I'm 16, I like theatre, and I go to Nodlon Academy.

WildeAboutU: Then I guess I'm Liz Bennett, Lizzie to those closest to me, I'm 18, I like literature and writing, and I go to Sea Bright High School.

aBellRang: This is still weird. I thought it would be easier, I don't know.

WildeAboutU: I have to say that I was surprised to get your e-mail. I mean, I have never even seen you. You are close to the last person I ever thought I would hear from.

aBellRang: Who's the last?

WildeAboutU: Your brother.

aBellRang: How do you know this isn't Will?

WildeAboutU: Oh God, is it?

aBellRang: j/k No its not, sorry to scare you. I didn't tell him I wrote you either.

WildeAboutU: Why did you write me?

aBellRang: Well, like I said, I think I want to tell you something, but I don't know yet. The way everything played out with you and Will wasn't fair, to either of you, and I have some information that might put things differently.

WildeAboutU: What?

aBellRang: Nothing.

WildeAboutU: I am so confused.

aBellRang: I'm sorry. I thought that you deserved to know some things, and besides, from everything Will ever said about you, you seem to be a great person to get to know, and in all honesty, I could use a friend right now that wasn't related to me.

WildeAboutU: Wouldn't it have been easier for you to pick somebody you could see?

aBellRang: I guess.

There was a really long period where neither of us said anything. I mean what was I supposed to say?

WildeAboutU: Gracie?

aBellRang: Yeah?

WildeAboutU: I'd love to get to know you.

aBellRang: Thanks

WildeAboutU: Soooo..what's up with you?

aBellRang: Well, I just got transferred to Nodlon Academy actually, I was in a different school last semester. But this all has to do with what I wanted to tell you.

WildeAboutU: Okay.

***aBellRang is no longer online***

All right, my life is now officially really fucking messed up.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Call me crazy, but I do not think that all is well in Darcydom.

I walked into the study and Gracie was talking to someone online, but the second I said, `Hey Lady Grace,' she closed the program and got up off the chair and started smiling at me.

Personally, I think that's scary.

“Who was that?”

“Nobody.”

“Oh.”

“Will, don't get all weird on me.”

“Weird on you?”

I bunched up my forehead and looked at her. I tried my absolute hardest not to see anything in those baby blues, but something was hiding from me. Apparently she didn't want to share. That kind of hurt. But I can't force her, that won't do any good.

So I said, “All right.”

I think she heard the hurt in my voice though. “Come on, I wasn't doing anything bad, no sex, no drugs, no seventeen magazine.”

“All right, I said all right.”

I left the room, and the moment I did, I swear I heard her get right back on the computer. Sure enough, halfway down the hall, `You've got mail.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After Miss Darcy randomly left me online, I signed off and did the finishing touches on a paper I had to do over break. Half hour later, I signed back on, and I had e-mail.

From  Gracie Darcy ([e-mail])
Sent  Sunday, January 2, 2001 9:08 pm
To  Lizzie Bennett ([e-mail])

Sorry about leaving like that, Will came in the study, and I had to close the program quickly.

I guess I just chickened out, and I want to tell you this just as much because you need to know, and I think it will make me feel better to tell someone other than Will and a doctor.

Are you scared yet?

Thought so. What I have to tell you has to do with the one and only, Gabe Walker. I am not sure what he has told you, but this is the true story straight from the horse's mouth.

A year and half ago, after my parents died, Gabe and I started seeing each other. Not very seriously, we went out for coffee and to dinner and the movies. I was really young, 15, and he was a year old than my big brother. But I needed someone then, and Will wasn't dealing with mom and dad's death very well, and Gabe seemed really nice.

A month passed, and I never did anything physical with him. He only ever kissed me on the cheek. Then we were at party. I woke up the next day, naked in bed with Gabe. With the coldest voice he told me that we had had unprotected sex that night. All I remember is crying and crying and I ran away.

You have to understand that there was no way for me to face Will like that, I thought that he would have never looked at me the same way again. I was so scared to lose him. I had to fix this before he found out. So I stayed with a friend and told her that I needed a place to stay while we renovated. After a week and a half I went to the doctor. Since I knew that I had had unprotected sex, I asked for all of the STD tests, and a pregnancy test. I was pregnant, and not to mention in a very messed up state of mind. The doctor I had gone too was a free women's clinic, so it wasn't my regular doctor. I asked if they knew of a place where I could go, that wouldn't ask for a parent or guardian.

Do you get my drift? I did find a place, and within the month it was done. I wasn't pregnant anymore. But I had made the mistake of putting my actual phone number on the form. When the procedure was done I couldn't stop crying and I just curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. I wouldn't talk to anybody. They had no choice but to call the phone number and hope, because they had illegally aborted my pregnancy, since I was underage. Will answered the phone, he came and picked me up, still crying and catatonic, and took me home.

Will put me in a school for teens who had gone though traumatic experiences, and went to find Gabe. Will got Gabe to confess that he had slipped me roofies, and that he was going to try to use a pregnancy to get money out of Will, he never though I'd flip, run off, and get an abortion.

Cuz see, I was pretty much against abortion. I was pro-choice because I believed abortion needed to be legal in cases of rape and incest and the like, but I had firmly vowed to save my self for marriage and never ever get an abortion.

Will took Gabe out of the will, and took away all of his school money. Gabe decided to fuck around in general, and I guess he's supposedly going into the army now.

So now, after two semesters of therapy, its become worse not being with my brother, than it is to think about what happened. Dr. Cass (my shrink) said I could go back to Nodlon, and keep seeing her.

Will didn't tell anyone but our most trusted lawyer, Mrs. Reynolds (our nanny), and the two schools. I can't imagine he ever thought he'd see Gabe again.

I hope this helps you. I'd still like to talk to you. I'm shy I guess. I don't really know how to talk to people, I'm still a little skittish around bright lights ;)

Well, anyway,
Gracie

Holy shit.

Chapter Eight

I was in absolute tears when I finished reading the letter. I believed every word of it. It felt right, in the same place deep inside me where Gabe's story had felt wrong. I wanted to run to Manhattan and hug her, tell her it was okay.

How could I have trusted him? How could I have believed any of what he said? What the hell is wrong with me? I must have serious mental issues-

I have to stop this. I can't keep killing myself over this. What will it do? Damage is done, there aren't any options left. I fixed that for myself.

But I can't stop, besides what can I even do? Nothing, except-

"Janie?" I called out loudly, hoping she was somewhere upstairs.

"Yeah?"

"Did Carrie give you her phone number?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I need to ask her if she remembers something."

Janie came into Thomas Jr.'s room where I was. "So you and Carrie made up?"

"Uh..." I searched my jumbled head for a minute, sure, that story worked. "Uh, yeah, we made up."

"Okay, I guess, It's [phone]."

"Thank you," I said scribbling it on the back of an envelope.

All I had to do now was dial the phone, and ask for her.

It's ringing.

"Hello?" It was an older voice. A woman. It must be Mrs. Reynolds.

"Can I speak to Gracie Darcy?"

"May I ask who this is?"

"A friend from school."

"All right." She seemed wary. It was so painful to hear the poor woman still so concerned. Gabe had shattered that whole family's sense of-

"Hello?"

"Gracie?"

"Who is this?"

"Lizzie."

"Oh! I didn't think I'd hear from you so soon. Let me go somewhere a little more private than the kitchen counter."

It took a minute, and I think she dropped the phone once, but then I guess she was in her bed room. I heard the door slam and the bed squeak.

"Liz?"

"You can call me Lizzie."

She paused, "Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

"Did Will leave you his number?"

"God no. My sister had Carrie Bingley's number, and I remember her saying something about the four of you sharing an apartment with your nanny."

"Yeah, we do. Janie is friends with Carrie?"

"Well, kind of, she's dating Ben, and well, Janie is diplomatic, so yadda yadda."

"I see."

"It's weird because it's like you know me; and now I guess I know a little about you. That's why I called, Gracie I'm so sorry-"

"Why? What did you do? Gabe Walker is an asshole, and the worst kind."

"The worst kind?"

"Lizzie, Gabe is sex on a stick, and he knows it. He barely has to try to get what he wants."

"Yeah, well...So you really are past all of this now. Why didn't Will press charges? Gabe was eighteen right?"

"For a lot of reasons, but mainly two. He didn't want to drag me through the proceedings, and also because he didn't want the negative attention brought to the family. There was some kind of huge business deal going down, or whatever; it's okay. I don't blame him or anything. I think I'm grateful. I got to work through it on my own, without lawyers, press, and judges."

"Is that what Will is going into?"

"Yep. When he graduates college, he's taking over Darcy Corporations International."

"It just seems so...so..."

"Wrong?"

"Exactly, it's such a waste of a mind like his, Will is too...to go into business. He's so-"

I was running away with myself. But I couldn't help it. Will? Business? No, it wasn't right, he was so much more, so much more passionate, so much more beautiful-

"Do you love him Lizzie?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I was just asking."

"What difference would it make?"

"I guess none."

"Did he tell you what a complete idiot I am?"

"Well, he did, but Will's stories tend to be a little on the biased side. How bout you tell me yours."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I rolled over and ran into a warm body. I opened my eyes and saw wavy blonde hair splayed across a perfectly freckled back. I hadn't remembered going to bed with her. I took in her soft hourglass figure. I traced my finger down her spine and a small indescribable sound escaped her. She turned around and smiled at me.

"Lizzie-"

Then all of the sudden I felt something licking my face.

I opened my eyes again, and saw-

"Barley, quit licking me and get off my bed!" The huge dog whined in protest, but I pushed him off the bed anyway. I looked at the clock, it was a little after midnight. I had fallen asleep reading Frankenstein. Then I heard something coming from Gracie's room. She should be in bed. It's her first day at Nodlon tomorrow.

So I went to check on her. I listened through the door a little,

"No bra? Please tell me you were wearing something else!" Then she giggled loudly, I opened the door and walked in.

"I have to go, I'll call you."

And she hung up. This was the second time in one day.

"Hey Wully Bully."

"Who was that?"

"A friend from school...uh...her name is...uh...Meghan...yeah."

"Oh." She was lying, it was obvious. I couldn't let it happen again, it was my fault the first time. I couldn't let her slip away. Its only been what, a day? Two? "What's going on Gracie?"

"ŇWhat are you talking about?"

"I'm not stupid."

"Then you're a good actor."

"This is the second time today I've caught you-"

"Caught me? Doing what exactly? Maybe I was better off at Kingston's for the emotionally retarded."

"Maybe. Maybe you aren't ready. You're being secretive, talking-"

"I'd like you to leave."

Her arms were folded adamantly across her chest. There was no hope for me. I opened my mouth to try to speak-

"Out!" She commanded me. Sixteen year old Grace commanded me out of the room. So I left.

What was happening? I couldn't lose her again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

School seemed odd to me. Instead of Char, I had Ben in my classes. Instead of lunch with the girls, I had lunch with Janieben or Benjanie; whatever freakish form they were in on said day.

So, I turned to writing, books, and oddly enough, Gracie.

We had created quite a friendship. She was much more mature that her 16 years implied. I tired not to think about why. I mean, Leah was 16, and I'd rather conduct a make-out session with Josh Collins than have an entire conversation with her. Gracie was great, and we had a lot in common, other than loving Will.

Will had become suspicious of her mysterious phone calls, and instant messaging sessions. So we made up code names, and tried our best to use them.

Me-Mabel
Will-Arthur
Gracie- Gertrude

They were three characters from our favorite Oscar Wilde play, An Ideal Husband. Mabel loved Arthur, but was often misinformed and said the wrong thing; but that didn't mean that Arthur was always a knight in shining armor. Gertrude, was Arthur's oldest friend. It all seemed appropriate.

We had grown really close over the course of a month. since she was too shy to make friends at school, and I had no idea where all of mine had gone.

My life was running pretty well anyway.

Oh yeah, except that I was in love with someone who hated me.

Yeah, except that. No matter how hard I tried, everything I wrote became about him. My poems were about him; all the male characters in my fiction ended up looking like Will; any stream of consciousness writing ended up in one place, Will Darcy. It was not productive.

But my essay for AP US History won the prize.

"Miss Bennett?"

"Yes?" Ugh. Mrs. Langston had the 'death doesn't scare me' look on her face.

"I wanted to ask you about your paper."

"What about it?"

"Have you read it?"

"Uh-"

"Well, let me read you a section, 'Of course, many reasons could be given for his success -- his beautiful brown eyes, almost black; his thick curly dark hair; and his warm, spine tingling voice easily ignited his fiery popularity with the masses.'"

Oh god, had I really written that?

"Miss Bennett, do you happen to be in love with Adolph Hitler, or is there another reason you chose to include this highly informative section in you essay on the rise and fall of the third reich?"

"Is it possible to redo the paper? I have been really distracted as of late."

"You are normally such a good student, and I have to admit, this god-awful paper was a surprise coming from you, so...I'll let you redo it, due on friday. Just this once, and don't include anything else about how Himmler was, let me quote you correctly, 'really, really, sorry, and just wanted to apologize.'"

On the way home, I remembered. I had written that paper at three o'clock in the morning while on the phone with Gracie. I never even double checked it, or read it for that matter; the paper was due at seven. I was lucky to get it printed out, still shower and get to school on time.

I got home and laid down on my bed. She is gonna die when I tell her about this. Then, the phone rang. Yippity skippity!

"'Lo?"

"Mabel?"

"Gertrude?"

We laughed.

"God Gracie, you are never gonna believe what happened at school today. You remember that nazi essay I did with you at three in the morning last week?"

"What about it?"

"The teacher pulled me aside toady and read me a passage, needless to say, Will had wandered into that essay too. The teacher wanted to know if I was in love with Hitler."

"You didn't!"

"I did." When she finally stopped laughing at me, I started talking again. "So, did you find out when auditions are?"

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiizzzieeeeeeeeee!" God that girl could whine.

"Its Mabel."

"Sorry, its just, I'm still not sure. You know I've never actually been on stage."

"So?"

"Well..."

"We've talked about this before. You'll make it, and I know what theatre is like. It'll be an instant family, you need that."

"I want you to come help me with my song."

"You know I can't come see you, and Will would never let you hop a train to come see me."

"Couldn't we work something out? It's not fair that just because you and Will aren't on speaking terms that I can't see you. It's not like it's my fault."

Ouch.

"Thanks for reminding me. I think I have to go-"

"Don't! I'm sorry."

"No-"

"Please, just wait, it's just hard don't you see? I don't have any friends here. I just really want to see you."

"I don't see how it would work? Where would we meet?"

"The library, or at school."

"Nodlon? I guess, is it open on the weekends?"

"I could ask the choir director. He likes me, he'd let me in."

I waited a moment. I was very aware of the reason that all of this planning was required. Will detested me. I don't blame him. I still can't believe how incredibly wrong I was. I'm never wrong, and if I am I certainly don't admit it.

"Mabel?"

"Yeah...e-mail me with the particulars, kay? I think I'm gonna go."

"I said I was sorry."

"Its not you who needs to apologize. Talk to you later."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Will?"

Damn it. I was really enjoying her silent treatment. We were in the car on the way to school when Carrie spoke to me for the first time in a month.

"Carrie?"

"Auditions for the school musical are next week. We're doing Romance/Romance. I was wondering if-"

"What?"

She looked out the window, "Nothing."

When we got to school, Gracie hopped out of the caddy like it was on fire. She had been antsy the whole time, I had assumed she had to go to the bathroom or something. I needed to talk to her, but she was off in some direction, running away from me faster than I could think.

I have to find her later.

My friday went quicker than usual, and I got out of my last period class early to meet my sister outside of choir.

"Thanks Mr. Greer. So tomorrow at three in the afternoon is okay?"

"I trust you, and I am not supposed to do this, but here is my key. Promise me you won't burn down the arts wing? The school will be open for weekend stuff, so no alarms will go off, you just need this for the choir room door."

"Really? Thanks! You don't know how much this means to me."

"Well, I'd love to see you finally opening yourself up to someone or something. You'll be much happier, and if this is what it takes..."

What was going on? And why was Gracie, for all intents and purposes breaking into school at three on saturday? I can't confront her, she'll deny everything. Maybe I can follow her.

Saturday morning seemed way too slow. By the time Gracie said she was going for a walk around 2:30, I was ready for action. I gave her a thirty minute head start, and left for school at three.

But what if I was too late? Her secret phone calls were happening more often, and all of that time she spent online. I was so scared that she had been moved too soon. Maybe she should have stayed at Kingston's. I mean, Dr. Cass seemed to think she was doing great, so maybe I was doing everything wrong.

Oh God.

I'd never forgive myself if anything ever happened to her, again.

I got to school and went inside, walked down to the fine arts wing and towards the choir room. I stopped when I heard the two voices clearly.

"You look exactly like I pictured."

"How?"

"Will's descriptions were no where near vague, let's see: she has perfect little freckles, and her hair-"

"Shut up!"

Liz? What the hell was she doing talking to Gracie, and meeting with her secretly at Nodlon?

"Let's get going, its not like we need to introduce ourselves, Gertrude."

"Let me turn on the stereo, Mabel."

Where have I heard those names?

"Oh I can't wait!"

"Lizzie, you're gonna be disappointed, I really blow."

"Sing! Now!"

"Fine." then a tape of a piano, badly recorded, started to play. then, to my utter shock, Gracie began to sing.

"The summer I had planned was to be, relaxing to the n-th degree;
Lounging in a hammock, catching up on my reading, sipping on a glass of cold chablis,
No minor traumas, no major headaches, all my weekends free!
So will someone please explain, why I'm under such a strain?
God, will you look at me?

All keyed up, can't unwind, night and day you're on my mind!
How did I end up here?
Can't sit still, can't think straight, can't recall which meals I ate,
Damn you! Am I losing weight?
How did I end up here?

My legs are all a jangle, emotions in a tangle,
IŐm underneath a cloud and over wrought!
Do you know how it feels to be head over heels?
Having you in my every thought!

I was fine, doing swell, everything was going well-
Now its all been shot to hell!
Can't someone volunteer?
How did I end up--
Feeling like this, on the edge of an abyss,
Out of sorts and in a stew!

Why is it I'm-
spending my time-
Teasing, taunting, testing you?

Falling fast, can't hold out, filled with hope and plagued with doubt,
Hardly know what I'm about!
I've got it real severe, I tremble when you're near.

I am in love, that's clear!

But somehow I got left here stranded, wanting you and empty handed!
How did I end up here?"

I never knew she was so...awesome...I can't even think of the word for how good she is, awesome will have to cut it for now. She totally kicked that song's ass. Then I heard tears. Liz hadn't clapped, she had started crying.

"Oh my God! Was it that bad?"

"No-I-It's the song Gracie. That song. You were perfect, or else I wouldn't be crying."

Gracie didn't say anything. I had barely understood a word of what Liz had said through her sobs. I peeked around the corner to see the two of them hugging.

"It's gonna be okay. I just know it can't end like this. I wish youŐd come talk to him."

"Your brother never wants to see me again. I certainly don't plan on forcing him to talk to me."

"But its not fair. You didn't know about Gabe, and now you do, it's just not fair."

"Well, most things aren't. You can't feel sorry for me. I fucked up my own life. I pushed him away, all the while knowing I wanted him." She smiled, and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, "Will's gone, and I need to move on."

I couldn't be there anymore. I ran out of there and just started walking. New York was a big place, and I needed room to think. Room to breathe.

I didn't know what to do back there.

What was she saying?

Why had Gracie told her about Gabe?

Had Liz asked her? Pursued her?

How did they even know each other?

At least now I knew that it was Liz that Gracie had been talking to. At least it wasn't anyone dangerous. I guess I had overreacted in that respect. I can't believe I had mistrusted my sister like that.

But Liz-

Why did she cry?

Why were they talking about me?

Damn it.

I've never felt more clueless in my life. Clueless, what a crappy word.

What did it all mean?

But Lizzie-

I didn't want to see her again.

I didn't need anymore ammunition for my dreams. their attack was brutal enough already, waking up and not finding her hair in my face.

It wasn't fair.

Her voice echoed.

"Well, most things aren't."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Nine

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"No!"

For some reason, Gracie did not understand that me and Will as a possibility is history. She's worse than me. Well, not worse, I don't think she cries at night.

"It's not like I have a choice in the matter."

"But you do!" She paused, "When can you come into the city next?"

"Graaaaaaaacieeeeee-" I could whine too.

"When?"

I finished wiping away the tears, wiping my nose on my sleeve, and I looked back at her. Didn't she realize how scared I was? What if I did go to Will, and I talked to him, and he told me to drop dead? I don't think that I could stand it. She asked again.

"Well...I have this friend, Char, over break, she decided to drop out of school, and run of to New York with this guy she was in love with. He wanted to follow his dream of becoming a rock star. Enough back story, someone sold their soul to the devil, because he got signed within a month. So, Char wants me to come up the weekend before Valentine's Day for some, uh, dinner for new talent that his label is having."

Before I could finish, she jumped at me, "Why didn't you tell me?" Her eyes just lit up.

"Why would I?"

"There is only one New York based record label that holds a new talent dinner in February, KDBR! Is that the name of his label?"

"Sounds right." She was getting scary.

"THAT'S MY AUNT! Kate DeBourgh records! She's a super bitch, so she makes me and Will go every year, oh my God, this is perfect!"

"Then I obviously can't go."

"No, this is great, you can see Will."

"How exactly does your plan work Gracie, drugs, violence?"

"Liz...I can..." Then her eyes popped out of her head, "I can set up the place cards!"

"Please don't. No, no, no, no!"

"Tell you what, you let me fix the place cards, I'll try out for Romance/Romance."

"You are really evil."

"Let me?"

"In two weeks, I may be over this."

"Mabel, please-"

"I may be...you don't know...I might..."

"Maybe you will, but then, who cares where you sit?"

Somebody help.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"So how are things?"

"Totally great!"

Wow, I guess I had missed Ben, I don't know anyone else who says totally great. He's priceless.

"That good huh?"

"It's really amazing, how much I love her. It seems stupid and impossible, you know? It's only been a month and three weeks since I first met her, but it's all so, totally great."

He was never a man of many words.

"Well, I'm happy for you. Who would have thought that you would move to New Jersey, and fall in love."

"It's so crazy."

"Hmmm..."

"Liz came by, did I tell you that?"

"Recently?"

"No, the day after you left. She just stood there when I told her you were gone. She just stood at the door, real quiet, for like a whole minute. I offered her your number, but she just left."

"You didn't give her my number? Then she must have gotten it on her own..."

"She called you?"

"No...it's complicated...it's nothing."

"Okay." We said nothing for a while, and then, "So how's Nodlon doin?"

I sighed, "Totally great."

It had been a week since I'd followed Gracie to school that Saturday. All I'd been able to do was think about Lizzie.

I think she said what I think she said, I think.

And Lady Grace keeps grinning at me. I want to tell her I know, I want to ask, so badly. But she can't know I followed her, that I didn't trust her. She wouldn't understand why I was worried.

But I did need to talk to her, right now it seemed like we were closer when we didn't see each other. Since she got home, we had been distant. That probably had something to do with Lizzie. I mean, I'm the enemy right?

But now, with all of Gracie's grins, maybe she did say what I think she said.

She wanted me.

After all my repressing, and bottling up, could she really want me? And she wanted to apologize? Jersey had seems like an endless string of my screw ups. Now she says she messed up, and she wants to apologize. She wanted to say sorry, and,

She wanted me.

But what can I do? There's no way to approach her without admitting what I did.

I had to do something though, so I got those damn Urinetown tickets and took Gracie out to dinner at Sardi's. After a lively discussion on the show, (yeah, I meant Gracie talked for about an hour) we got to the good stuff.

"Do you remember what we have to do next weekend?" I did a quick search and came up blank, shaking my head.

"Will, you are so irresponsible, I do say that you need to curb this artistic streak before it gets out of hand!" Grace was mocking our favorite aunt.

"Oh, God, Aunt Kate's dinner, yeah, I forgot."

"Yeppers."

"Why is it important that I remember that?"

"Well, we have to go is one good reason."

"The only good part of that entire thing is Jack."

Jack DeBourgh was Kate's adopted son. He was one year older than Gracie, and had always had a huge crush on her.

"Very funny."

Gracie didn't share his sentiments. I had a feeling though, that this time she would. She hadn't seen Jack for over a year, and he looked very different.

"Thank you, but I'd be look out for Jack-o if I were you."

"Back to the subject, I think that Aunt Kate's dinner will be very productive this year." Then she just looked at me, her eyes were glittering, she was gonna burst, oh did I want to pop her little bubble.

"You know who I was just thinking about, Lizzie Bennett, strange?"

She spit out her water, really spit it, I think it hit the guy behind me. My plan was working.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had found it very suspicious that Josh had gotten signed so quickly. Until, that is, I went to stay with him and Char.

He hadn't exactly been discovered, he had auditioned, and made it in --

a boy band.

He was "the shy one" in The BeatBoyz. Yes, "Boyz" with a z. Gross huh? It took every ounce of will power I had not to laugh at his outfits, and the one rehearsal I saw, well, I was nearly in tears.

Nevertheless, the dinner was tonight, and I was all nerves.

Breathe Lizzie.

I repositioned my one stray lock of hair and did a last minute inspection. It had taken a week of shopping to find THE OUTFIT; and I don't shop. But I had this time, and with a vengeance. I wanted to be sexy, but not slutty; classic, but contemporary; elegant, but young. Oh God...what if he hated it?

I really needed to calm. I went to the kitchen, and we left soon after. Josh made sure to lecture us in the cab.

"All right, I don't know who'll be here tonight, but I don't want you two embarrassing me in front of any celebrities. Char, I trust you, of course, but...well, keep an eye on Liz...okay?"

I was gonna start giggling, but I let him ramble on. We were at Kate DeBourgh's apartment soon enough. Let me correct myself, we were at Kate DeBourgh's Park Avenue penthouse apartment soon enough. Josh and Char rushed to the door, it was February after all. I just stood there for a minute. I wasn't afraid to go in. I'm a big girl. I can do this.

"Hurry up Liz," Josh was really starting to push it, "Fashionably late is exactly 15 minutes into cocktails, according to Kate."

"Oh you're on a first name basis?" I scowled as I sped past him into the lobby. We were on the security guard's list, so we went to the elevator, and to the penthouse. I pulled out a mirror and started checking again.

"I've never seen you so concerned with your appearance, it's so adorable Liz, but nobody famous will be looking at you tonight."

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from biting his head off.

"Thank you Josh. I feel soooo much better now." I didn't even want to be bothered to the extent of making fun of him.

"Josh baby...leave Lizzie alone."

Ding.

The doors opened directly to the foyer. Josh and Char ran out of the elevator, I lingered for a moment.

As the space cleared I saw him, talking to a blonde guy.

This isn't fair, I wasn't supposed to see him yet. I haven't gotten a chance to breathe.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Can I take your coat?"

It was all I could think to say. Jack left and there we were.

Me and Lizzie.

She blinked, slid off her coat, and handed it to me.

Oh

My

God.

I'm not a shallow guy.

I have appreciated this girl for her mind, many a time --

So I can drool all over her now right?

I hope so, because I already am.

Should I start at the top? I think I will, girl shoes confuse me anyway - too many straps.

Her hair was all wavy, and somehow it looked like she had just rolled out of bed.

Her skin was glowing; I still don't know how they do that. The way her skin just shimmers in the light, its really...

She was wearing kind of a corset thing, it hooked up the front, with boning and everything. It was this black fabric that just slid over her perfectly, and it looked like you could see right through it. But, you couldn't, I mean, she wasn't just standing there naked right? When the corset got to her...uh...chestal area...it stopped, and her...chestal area...was contained in a loose looking part of the same naked fabric. It obviously wasn't loose, because every time she took a breath, her...chestal -

Well, every time she took a breath, I thought about calculus.

The sleeves were full length, and they were gathered every inch or so I think, kind of puffy. They really were see through.

That shirt was cruel.

Her skirt was dark denim, and it flipped up just past her knees, and her shoes, well, I told you girl shoes confuse me.

I think I'm staring.

She wouldn't meet my eyes, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet hers.

Did she know I was gonna be here tonight? She must've, Gracie must have stumbled onto it in one of their conversations. I'm sure they had. especially the way Gracie had responded that night at Sardi's. I was sure she knew...

So had she planned that outfit?

If she planned that outfit, then she definitely said what I think she said.

"Will?"

"Yes?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course Lizzie." When I said her name, she smiled, her mouth, bowing into happiness.

Did I do that?

I lead her to an unpopulated hallway near the study. When she saw the empty study, she went it, so I followed. "Can we shut the door?" I shut it for her, and then gave her my rapt attention.

"Wow, this is just as scary as I thought it would be...so...Will...I, uh, need to apologize." She spit the "a" word out like profanity. "First, for accusing you of something that you did not do; something of which you are absolutely innocent. I think you know what I'm talking about. Gabe told me a story, a lie, and I believed it. Partly because, I liked Gabe and partly because I needed a reason to not like you."

Did she say what I think she just said? She needed a reason to not like me?

"I have a bad track record, romantically; and all I needed was to fall in love with another rich boy who'd break my heart. So I took Gabe at his word, and I tried to hate you. This proved much harder than I planned. Partly your fault, partly just because. Which brings me to number two, I'm sorry I ran away that day in the bookstore. I really am, believe me."

Doesn't that mean she's sorry she didn't kiss me? Could she really be saying all this?

"Lastly, I'm sorry about new Year's. I have never, in my whole life felt so ashamed, and disgusted as I felt that night and the next morning. When I drink, I get a little...well...frisky, for lack of a better word. Gabe seemed like the easiest option, no strings attached; I was only physically attracted to him, so-"

There was one thing I had to know,

"Did you do what he said you did?"

"You mean-"

"Did you say my name?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you this part."

"I'm sorry, I just wanted..."

"Yes."

I started twiddling my thumbs. What does that mean? All I knew was that I was confused as hell. "Why?"

I watched her squeeze her eyes shut, and tighten her fists, she almost looked like she was getting ready for a tetanus shot.

"I wanted it to be you, so I closed my eyes and pretended."

Well, fuck me.

"Say something Will, please say something."

I paused and looked at her, thinking.

"This was hard for you, wasn't it?"

"You can't even begin to imagine."

"How did you find out about Gabe?"

"'Scuse me?"

"Well, if you know I didn't do whatever he said I did, then you must know what he did."

"Oh, that, well, I have a confession."

"You've been secretly talking, e-mailing, and meeting with my sister?"

"Did Gracie tell you?"

"Now I have a confession. I followed her to Nodlon that Saturday two weeks ago. But you can't blame me, she had been so secretive for the month she got home. I was scared something was happening again."

"She contacted me, e-mail, and then we just started talking. I didn't stalk her or anything. I can't believe I didn't...we didn't even think about that, I'm sorry."

"S'okay, just don't tell her, I don't want her to know I mistrusted her like that. But you understand."

Now what? The air was clear.

"Her cast list goes up at school on Monday."

"I know, I'm quite possibly more excited than she is."

A clock caught my eye, it was time to be at the dinner table. Aunt Kate would probably beat me if I wasn't seated by 9:01.

"I think it's time for dinner."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

What is he thinking?

Why won't he say anything to me?

I just bared my soul, and he's talking about his sister.

Wow, this room is really warm, and there is like, no air. I sped to the door, and I put my hand on the handle to open it. Will came up behind me and put his hand on the door, holding it shut. I could feel him breathing.

What is this?!

"Will-"

"Just give me a little time to think, okay Just a little time."

His hand slid from the door to mine and, then up my arm, slow and electric. I wasn't sure how I was still standing, my legs felt like chinese take out rice; good and solid, until you touch em.

Touch.

His hand ended up near my collar bone, and him touching my bare skin was way too much for me to handle without him even telling me if he hated me or not.

"O-O-Okay." I stammered, I opened the door and left the room.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Ten

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Must find Gracie...Must find Gracie...

She's probably worried.

I found the dining room and she was pointing to a seat right next to her. I scurried over and sat down.

“Where were you Lizzie?”

I was about to say where, when my eyes caught Will in the archway.

Then, a shrill voice ascended the room. “Will, how lovely of you to join us, at 9:03.”

“Sorry I'm late Aunt Kate.”

“Don't give me excuses, just sit. I forgive you.” Will went to his seat, which was directly across from me, thanks to Gracie. “Let's all raise our glasses and toast to another year of promising entertainers and lots of money!” She laughed obnoxiously at herself. This was gonna be a long night.

When the toast finished, my mouth went directly to Gracie's ear. I told her every detail, and we had to whisper, because, well, Will was sitting directly across from me. It's not like he didn't know what we were saying, I don't know why we bother.

“You told him everything?” She whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

“Mmm hmm.”

“And he said?”

“Nothing.” The second I spoke, she looked at Will.

“What?!”

“Gracie!!”

“Sorry Lizzie.”

Will looked at the two of us with a devious smirk on his face.

“I want to change the subject,” I declared.

Then he piped in, “Good plan, hey, Gracie, have you seen Jack?”

“No,” she crossed her arms, “And I am very happy about that, thank you.”

“Call me crazy, but you may want to take a look. You saw him Lizzie, he was the guy I was talking to when you came in.”

“The blonde? He's hot, why don't you want to see him?” I asked Gracie.

“Jack? Hot? You must be confused.”

“Remember, you haven't seen him in over a year.”

She looked, so adorably stubborn.

“Fine, I'll got to the stupid bathroom and look at him.”

She got up, I watched Will watch her and smile. His hair fell very gently in thick curls, and framed his face. I was looking at him so intently, that I didn't notice him turning to look at me until he already had.

“So...”

“So...”

He had to make the next move, for better or worse, it was his turn. I was brave, I said my piece, I bared my soul...and he changed the subject.

I still can't believe I told him about the Gabe thing, but policy is policy. All truth, all the time, even if it makes you cry. That's a little gung-ho, I suppose, but everything I do is intense. I can't just say I'm sorry, must bear soul; can't simply not lie, must tell absolute truth.

Just then Char called down to me, “How're you Liz?”

She was knee deep in acoustic folk group, and looked like she needed rescuing, I threw a rope.

“Good, you remember Will right?”

“How could I forget?” She laughed, I laughed (uncomfortably).

Then, Will threw me a rope, “So how is Manhattan treating you?”

He's so polite.

“Good, I think I've found a great job in a gallery in Soho. I'll be able to start doing the most important thing in an artists career, networking.”

They both laughed.

All this laughter.

Crazy.

Damn him.

The two of them continued as the salads came.

How long exactly is a little time?

Is that a year?

A month?

A week?

A day?

A minute?

I don't know if I can handle the suspense.

What had he said...was anything important? My brain travels over his words and stops on something.

`I followed her to Nodlon that Saturday two weeks ago.'

If he followed her, then he saw me, then I'm sure he stayed to hear her sing, which means he heard me crying, which means he heard everything I said.

He heard everything I said?

He heard everything I said!

I hadn't been paying much attention to my surroundings, so I was quite surprised when I felt a foot slide next to mine.

I looked up and searched for possibilities: Will, someone's girlfriend, or one of the other BeatBoyz. I knew whose foot it was, but just for kicks, I searched the other faces. In the end I landed on Will.

So he wanted to play footsie?

I'm more confused than ever.

Is it warm in here?

Just then Gracie arrived back in her seat.

“Why didn't you tell me Will!”

“It's funnier this way.”

“You knew the only reasons that I didn't like Jack were that he was in love with me, and that he was funny looking, and now...he's...well he's not funny looking Will.”

I was severely out of the loop, and distracted by the foot that slowly inched it's way out of it's shoe. So I interrupted, “What's the deal with this Jack character?”

Will answered, “Jack is Aunt Kate's adopted son, and our adopted cousin. He's been in love with Lady Grace, for a good three years now. Except, Gracie hasn't seen him since she went off to school a year and a half ago. Jack's grown into his features now.”

That was all? “I'll say.”

“Should I be jealous?” He sort of growl-whisper-said

Oh god, I think my water just went down the wrong pipe. Luckily, Gracie saw that I was in shock, and continued the conversation. So was that a little time? 10 minutes?

“Lizzie, does this make me shallow?”

“No, he's cute, and you can claim the young and foolish defense.”

“Works for me. You think I could ask him out?”

Will looked perplexed, “Where is my wallflower sister?”

She looked down for a minute, and then back up.

“I guess I am, what's the term, painfully shy? But when you are both here, with me...I feel really strong...is that too dorky?”

Will's eyes met mine and they just glowed at me.

I turned to Gracie, and gave her a big hug, whispering, “Hurry, go get him before one of the rent-a-dates does.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

And off she went. Little Gracie, asking out a boy. Well, I mean I knew she was way past dates as far as all of that went, but I don't count Gabe as a real person.

I think Liz is ignoring my foot. That's okay.

“Will dear-” Aunt Kate squawked, “You should be done applying to all of your colleges by now, correct?”

“Yes mam.”

“Well, where have you applied?”

“Uh, NYU, U Chicago, Reed, Manhattan College, Columbia, Oxford, DePaul, and Breadloaf at Middlebury.”

“Well, we can see that somebody wants to stay in the city for college!" She guffawed like a monkey, and then I saw the horrible light of recognition- "Wait.”

She did a double take, I braced myself, “Breadloaf, what the hell is that William?”

“It's a very prestigious summer program at Middlebury College, for writers and-”

“For god's sake William, do we need to start this again? What is your major?”

“I don't know yet-”

“What is your major?”

If I said what she wanted, she would stop. Right, so just do it. The entire room was dead silent, I looked at Lizzie, she looked confused. I lowered my head.

“Business.”

“I don't understand why you insist on all of this bullshit with coffeehouse poetry readings. Ugh!”

Then, the earth fell from the universe and shattered, “What is wrong with you?” Liz asked.

“Who are you?”

“Elizabeth Bennett. I'm-”

“Speaking out of turn.”

“Excuse me-”

“No you excuse me young lady. I am not sure who you are here with, but I am quite sure that you have no business in my family matters-”

“If it isn't my business, is there a specific reason you chose to discuss it over dinner with 30 plus people?”

“I was merely holding a discussion with my nephew, about the misdirection of his life.”

“And I assume that you know the *proper* direction?”

“Of course I do, I know how my family should be run!”

“Don't you think that Will should be doing what he feels? Wants? Shouldn't he pursue his passions? Interests? Talents?”

“I'm quite sure I don't know what you are talking about.”

“Just because you mass produce a bunch of crappy music groups that make money by selling waste-oid, yet really fun and catchy, garbage to stupid preteens does not mean that you know what every member of your family should be doing with their life. It's Will's life, and if he wants to pursue writing in college, he should. He isn't stupid, he knows that he will be in charge of the company at a certain point, but he can make a decision about that when it comes. I am sure that he has already thought plenty about it. I know I have...”

She continued her rant and I just watched her. The little bolts of lightening flew out of her eyes and covered the room in her anger. Her hot boiling anger, coming up and over all sides of the pot. Where did all of this come from? Then something struck me about us, Liz and I...it was all so torrid, so involved. I realized, that if I let myself fall all the way into her, there wouldn't be a way back. I would be drowning in her.

Aunt Kate snapped me back to reality.

“You brazenly impertinent little tart-”

“Aunt Kate, please, can we end this?”

I gestured around to the guests, and the frightened server holding plates looking as if he was about to cry. She regained what few senses she had and coughed, reclaiming her cool stony exterior. Liz did the same.

Holy Jesus what a night.

Those next twenty minutes were really scary, but after a while Gracie, Lizzie, and I fell into easy conversation. It was like we had all been best friends since we were five. I guess that was true for 2/3 of us anyway...

We talked to other people too, Char remained a very intriguing personality. The fact that she was with that Josh guy just confused me. I checked up on Jack every once in a while, he smiled the entire dinner. Amazing. But then again, love can do that to a person.

After dinner, people split up. Aunt Kate had some business to attend to as well. Her dinners were never just dinners. There were introductions to be made, and business cards to be exchanged. This left plenty of time for all of us non-show biz types to, well, sit around. Gracie and Jack found a corner and just, well, mainly they just checked each other out. They had both, uh, grown into things, if you catch my drift.

The only non-occupied people were Liz and I.

I guess I needed to talk to her. I had purposely confused her. It's great to watch her mind reel sometimes. I had left her in a bad position before dinner. I was in control of everything. She had no idea what came next. Power trip is a little heady, I'll admit, and I can't say I'm not enjoying it.

But it was time to put an end to the suspense.

It was only fair.

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