AllisEqual

By

R.J.Seeley

Publishedin2015

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DAYONE

“Okaysowe’respendingthenighthere.”Daddeclaredloudlyoverpoweringboth

Owenandmyheadphonesandtheloudmusicthatwasblastingthroughthem.
“Howlongstheflighttomorrow?”Mumasked,IthinkmoreforOwen’sbenefitsincewe
didthistripeveryyear.
“Abouttwohours,”Dadsaidnodding,soIlookedatOwenwhowasyawningwhich
naturallymademeyawn.
“Flight?”herepeated,soInoddedsmilingsweetlyathimashefrownedandgotoutthe
carwithus,goingintotheTravelLodgewewerestayinginforthenightandstanding
lookingatthevendingmachinewhichsoldthingsfrombottlesofcoketoshampooand
showergel.
“SoOwen,”DadsaidmakingusallstandtoattentionasOwenwaspassedakey“You’re
eighteen,soIthoughtyou’dappreciateyourownroom.”hesaid,andOwennodded
slightly,
“Thanks.”hesaid,
“WouldIjustsohappentobesharingthatroom?”Iasked,hopefully,wishfulthinkingand
all.
“Hm.AreNathanielandOwensharingtheroom?”Dadsaidthenpointedatme“Nand,”
hesaidthenpointedatOwen“O,whatdoesthatspell?”heasked,
“Please.”Isaidsoundingeversoslightlywhiny,
“Thatisn’twhatitspellsNathaniel?”Hesaiddramatically.
“No.”Owensaidsighing,
“LET’Sgotobed.”Mumsaidquicklyprobablysensingawhine-a-thonwasaboutto
comeoutofmymouthsheclarifiedthatsuspicionbyplacingherhandonmyshoulder
lightlyandsqueezingthenpushingforwardslightlywhichstartedmewalkingtoour
room.StoppingusattheendofthecorridorandsayinggoodnighttoOwenthendad
openedthedoor,whichIwentinlastseeingOwenashegrinnedatmethenmouthed‘Text
Me’soIdid,allnight,throughbrushingmyteeth,throughchangingtomypyjamas,thenI
toldhimmyparentswereasleepsohetoldmetocomedowntohisroomandIdid.I
snucktohisroom,beingsilentasIwent,IclosedthedoorquietlyandIcreptdownthe
corridorthenIknockedonOwen’sdoor,standingforfartoolongoutsidehisroom
waitingforhimtoopenit.
“Hey,”hesaidgrinningslightly,hebecausehewasunawareoftheovernightstay,hewas
sleepinginjusthisboxers,Ihoweverhadat-shirtandjoggers.
“Hi.”Isaidquietlymakinghimlaughthenpullmeintohisroom,“Sorry.”Isaidthenjust
madehandgestures.
“Don’tbe.”Hesaidgrinningthenkissedme“BesidesifIdidn’thavearoom,sneaking
aboutwould’vebeennofun.”hesaidgrinningthenkissedmeagain,whilstleadingme
towardsthebed.“Getin,relaxThaniel.”hesaidlaughingcheerfullyashewalkedaround
thebedthenheputhishandoutandstoppedme,“Oh,Thaniel,youknowtherulesALL
mustbeequal.”Hesaidlaughing,soIsmiledthenliftedmyt-shirtgettingawolf-whistle

thenIdroppedmyjoggers“Perfect,nowgetin.”hesaidmakingmelaughandgetintohis
bed,
“Myparentswillkillme.”Isaidwhilstlayingonmysidelookingathimashesmiled,
“What’stheworsttheycoulddo?”HeaskedsoIsighed,“Exactly.”hesaidthenmoved
someofmyfringe,“Relax.”hesaidthenkissedme“IfyouwantIcouldrelaxyou.”
“Andhowwouldyoudothat?”Iaskedcheekilymakinghimgrinthendisappearunderthe
cover.

“Relaxed?”hequeriedashisheadpoppedoutofthecoverandheleantbetweenmy

legs,makingmesmileandrunmyfingersdownhishair,makingitspikeupasIdid.
“Hm.”Isaidmakinghimlaugh,
“OhThaniel,”hesaidsoIsmiledthenkissedhim,feelingashepushedmyfringeback
thenhesmiled.“Areyoulockedoutofyourparent’sroom?”hequeriedsoIshookmy
headwhilstrunningmyfingersdownhischest.
“Ipickedupthesparekey.”Iwhisperedbacksohegrinned,
“Ohaproatsneakingout.”Herepliedwhilstcockinghiseyebrowsatme,

“Youshouldknowthatbest.”Irepliedthenkissedhimagain,“Ibettergo.”I

whisperedsohelaughedthenleanthisforeheadonmystomach,
“Youdon’thavetogososoon,”hewhisperedlightly.Ithenlaughed,becauseIrealised
therewasnoneedforustobewhispering,however,somehowitfeltmuch,naughtier
whenwewhispered.
“WhenshouldIgothen?”Iwhisperedbackandhegrinned,
“Whenitstartsgettinglightoutside.”Hewhisperedbackwhilstsettlinghisheadonmy
stomach,soIbegantotanglemyfingersinhishair.
“Late.”Irepliedsohelaughed,
“Halfone?”herepliedsoIhummedathimlightly,
“Okay.”Isaidthenheardhimlaughagainandmovehishead,
“Thatisofcourseifyoudon’tfallasleepbeforethat.”HesaidsoIgrinnedathimthen
shookmyhead.

Myparentswokeme,inthemorning,ohsokindlybyopeningthecurtainsandletting

thesunblindme.SoIturnedoverandlookedatmymumwhowassmilingreasonably
amusedatme.
“Morning.”ShesaidsoIshookmyheadandgroanedather,“Comeonup.You’vegotto
goandwakeupyourboyfriend.”ShesaidsoIhummedatherthenturnedoverandpicked
upmyphone,sendinghimatextthatsaid;

BING!BONG!WakeUpcallforOwen!

“I’mnotacceptingit.Youstillhavetogetoutofbed.”Shesaidmakingmelaugh

slightlyandactuallysitup.Wewentdowntothebuffetforbreakfast,foroneofthose,
firstdayofholidaybreakfasts.Youknowtheeggsandbaconandsausages,thefull

Englishastheysay.IplacedafewstripsofbacononmyplatefollowedbyasausageandI
wasdone,whilstOwenbehindmecontinuedtofillhisplatewiththefullEnglish.
“What?”heexclaimedasIwatchedhimspoon,scrambledeggontohisplate.“Iam
hungry.”HeaddedsoIsmiledathimthenturnedandwalkedtowardsthetablewe’d
chosen.

“IthoughtyousaidyouholidaytoScotland.”Owensaidaswefastenedourseatbelts

ontheplane.
“TheShetlandsareScotland,”Irepliedslowly“They’rejusttwohoursaway.”Iadded
makinghimsmile,Owenandhisfamilyholidaybig,theyflyforhourstotheseboiling
countriessoallofthemareperfectlytanned–wellperfect-ish,IknowwhereOwen’stan
linesare.Oweninhisbedroomhasthisbigworldmapandpinsinitfromwherehe’s
been.WhenIaskedhimtoaccompanymeonholiday,heaskedmewhereto,The
ShetlandsaresosmallthatIjustpointedandsaidScotland.I’veinmyseventeenyearsold
onlybeenoutofBritishWatersonce,whenIwaseleven.
“SotheremustbesomegreattalebehindtheShetlands?”HesaidsoIlaughed,
“Mygrandparentslivethere,”Isaidandhemovedhishandstosignifymore.“My
grandpaisScottishheusedtoliveinAberdeen,GrandmaisNorwegian.”Isaidandhe
raisedhiseyebrows,“ShelivedbytheFjordsinGrainger.”Isaidnodding“Theymetin
Edinburgh,grandpawasthereonastagweekend,andgrandmawastherewithherfamily.
Theymet,theybondedthentheygotmarriedsixweekslater.”
“SIXweeks?”herepeated,Inodded,
“Yeah,theygotmarriedinAberdeenandhoneymoonedtechnicallyinGeiranger,a
fortnightlatertheydecidedtomoveawaysotheymovedtotheShetlandswhichis
ScandinavianandScottish.”Isaidandhegrinned,
“That’squitecool,”hesaidsoIgrinnedback.“HowdidyouendupinBritainthen?”
“Mygrandparentshadfiveboys,”Isaidsohenodded“Threeofthemstayedinthe
Shetlands,dadwentawaytoUniversity,hewenttouniversityandhemetmum,whenhe
graduatedhedecidedtomovethereandgetmarried.ThentheyhadDarrylwho’smoved
totheShetlandsandtheyhadme.”Isaidpointingatmychest,
“Nathaniel.”hesaidsoInodded,“Whydidn’tIknowthat?”hesaid,soIlaughed,
“Becauseyoudidn’task.”

Darrylpickedusupfromtheairport,that’swhenIrealisedthatmybrotheroftwenty-

fiveisthesameheightasmyboyfriendofeighteenandsmallerthanme,hisbrotherof
seventeen.Hedroveustoourgrandparents,theylivedjustoutsideLerwickandsortof
behindahill,theirhouseIlove.It’sthreestorieshighbutdoesn’tlookitbecausethefirst
floorisbehindasmallhill,thehouseiswoodenpanelledandpaintedbrightredwitheight
whiteframedwindowsthefirsttwowhererightatthetop,theyareclosetogetherjust
undertheroof,theybothhaveeightsquaresonthem.They’remygrandparent’sbedroom
windows,fromtheredownthetwonextwindowsareafractionlargerandarewindowseat
kindofwindows,theystickoutslightlybutitisn’ttoonoticeable,theyarethesemi-
masterbedrooms,myparentsandIthinkDarryl’s,thereisalsothegeneralloungeand

kitchenonthesecondfloor.Thenthelastfourareallequalsizeandequallyplaced,they
aresimpleandthereistwosidestothewindowswhichbothopenout,thereistheother
bedroomswhichoncewheremyfathersandmyunclesbedrooms.Mygrandparentshavea
gravelrunwaywhichactuallysoundsamazingunderthecartires.Itcurrentlyonlyhad
grandpasFordFocusandnowDarryl’sfourbyfour.Totheleftabitnottoofarawaybut
nottooclosetoeasilytripinto,thereisaloch(lake).IKNOWitonlywentuptomy
shoulderswhenIwastwelve,soIknowitisn’tdangerouslydeep,justenoughtogetyou
wetandmayrequireyoutoswim.Mygrandparentswherereadytogreetusaswepulled
upandtheygreetedussowarmly.
“Theycan’twaittomeetyou,”IsaidmakingOwenlaughslightlythenlookatthehouse.
“Cute.”hesaidhappily,“Ilikeit.”headdedsoIleadhimtowardsthewelcomeparty.
“Grandma.”Isaidandshehuggedme,shemanagedtoalwayssmellofshortbread
somehow.Shewasalittlewomanwhoalwaysworehideouslypatternedknittedjumpers
withstretchyjeansandhersoft,fluffyslippers,herhairwasalwaystiedupwhetheritwas
aponytail,amessybunorgatheredupbyahugeclamp,todaythatwaswhatshewas
sporting.
“Haven’tyougrownNathaniel.”shesaidrubbingmyarmsandsmilingatmehappilyshe
thennoddedherheadtoOwen,“Who’sthisthen?”Shesaidjokingly,“Isheworthy?”she
addedasIgrinnedthenshelookedathim.“Owen?”shequeriedandhenoddedthen
acceptedthehug,wethenmovedtograndpa,whotendedtosticktopoloshirtsratherthan
theknittedjumpersandhealwayshadaflatcapon.Hebelievedinasturdyhandshake
andhadbeencritiquingminesinceIwasoldenoughtoattemptatit,heapprovedof
Owen’s.
“You’rethesecondone,”Dadtoldmeslowlyasifthinkingcarefullyaboutourbedroom
placement.“Yeahthesecond.”hesaidnoddingthenpassedmemyholdallandOwenhis
suitcase“Gounpack.Teawillbeathalfsix.”hesaidsoInoddedandtookOwentoour
bedroom,openingthedoorslowlythenlaughingathisexpression.
“Bunkbeds!”HeexclaimedsoInodded.
“YES!Bunkbeds.”
“BagesyTOP!”heexclaimedandthrewhisphoneontothetopbunk,
“Really?You?Top?”Isaiddramaticallysohelookedatme.
“Funny.”
“IAMhilarious.”Irepliedthengrinnedathimslightly,
“Ihaven’tusedbunkbedssinceCubcamp.”hesaidamusedasIsatonthebottombunkso
hejoinedme,nudgingmyleg“Atleastwe’resharingaroom.”hesaidthenkissedmy
cheeksoIturnedtolookathimandkissedhimproperly“Andsomenights,maybeabed.”
hesaidthenwinkedsoIgrinnedthenhithisknee.
“Timetounpack.”Isaidandhesalutedlaughingthenwentandkneltbesidehissuitcase.I
lovedhissuitcase,onceuponatimeitwasjustsimplyblackbuteversincehewasnine
he’scollectedastickerforeveryplacehe’sbeensohissuitcaseiscoveredindestination
stickersanditlooksamazing.“Willyoucoverthatspace?”Iaskedquietlywhilstrunning
myhandovertherevealedblackofthesuitcase.
“Hopefully.”Hesaid,thensmiledatmeasheopenedthesuitcase.“Mostlywithyou.”He
addedthenhesmirkedatmesoIsmiledbackthenstoodandbegantounpackmyholdall.

IdecideditwouldbelogicaltogiveOwenatourofthehousethatIknewlikemyown

andasheknewmyhouseashisown,itfeltonlyrighttobecomefamiliarwiththisone.
“Sowe’renotunderground?”heaskedasIopenedthebedroomdoor,
“No.Justinathreeflooredhouse.”Isaidamused,“Sothisfloorisjustbedrooms.”Isaid
whilsttakinghiswristandwalkinghimoutintothehall,whichwasslightlynarrowand
justhadfourwoodendoorsevenlyspreadalongthewalls.
“Fourbedrooms?”hesaidwhilstpointingattheroomwe’djustcomefrom,
“Fivebrothers,”Irepliedandgotafrown,“Wellofcoursesomehadtosharebedrooms.”I
saidthenIlaughed,“Ilied,thatone’sabathroom.”Iaddedwhilstpointingacrossthehall.
“Sothere’sbunkbedsinthisone.”HesaidsoInodded,
“Yesthereis.”Isaid“Thenthere’senoughbedsintheotherstooccupyfiveboys.”Isaid
makinghimsmile,
“What’supstairs?”hequeried,obviouslydecidingwe’dendupstandinginthehallwayfor
hoursifhekeptaskingwhattypeofbedswereintheotherrooms.SoItookhimandlead
himupstairs,“Hereiswheremyparentswillbesleeping.”Iwhisperedmakinghimlaugh,
“We’llhavetodooursoundproofingexperiment?”hesaidsoInoddedtohimwhilst
holdingontohiswristsohe’dbeclosertome,“There’salsothekitchen.”Isaid,thenlead
himthatway,openingthekitchendoorandleadinghimthrough,makinghimsmileashe
lookedaround,
“Mygodit’saproperkitchen.”HesaidsoIfrownedathim,“Thatisarange,”hesaid
pointingtowardstheoven,“Thenthere’spotsandpans,ABOVEourheads.”HesaidsoI
smiledwhilstlookingatthehangingpotsandpansthatsatabovetheislandinthemiddle
ofthekitchen.“Iwantyourgrandma.”HesaidsoIlaughed,
“Notjustthekitchen?”Iqueriedsoheshookhishead,
“No.no,gottohavethewholepackage.”Hesaidmakingmesmile,thenleadhimthrough
tothediningroom,feelingasheleantagainstme,“Thishouseisamazing.”Hesaid
noddingwhilstlookingatthetablethatcomfortablysateightpeople.
“Idon’tneedtoshowyouDarrylandmygrandparentsroom,right?”Iqueriedsoheshook
hisheadwhilstscrunchinghisnoseatmesoIlaughed,“Andoutsideissuddenlyalittle
toodrizzlytoshowyoutheshed.”
“IthinkI’lllive.”Hesaidwhilstlookingatthewindowwhichwasjustspectacledwith
rain.

“SojustthelivingroomIsuppose.”Isaidthentookhiswristagainandleadhiminto

thelivingroomwhichwasmostlyoccupied.
“Thegrandtour?”GrandmaqueriedasshewatchedOwenlookingaroundtheliving
room,
“Ohyes.”IsaidnoddingwhilstalsolettinggoofOwen’swrist.“Hewantsyourkitchen.”
Iaddedandgotaverysatisfiedsmilefromgrandma.

“Doyouthinkyou’llenjoyithere?”Iqueriedaswebothgotchangedforbed.

“Well,ofcourse.”Hesaidnoddingthenhesmiledatmewhilstpullingasmallerbagout
ofhissuitcase.“Thereistwodeterminingfactors.”HeaddedsoIhummedathim,“You’re

here.”HesaidsoIgrinned,“AndI’mnotathome.”Headdedthenunzippedthelittler
bag,lookedinitthensighed.
“What?”Iqueriedthenwenttokneeloppositehim,
“I’veforgottenmyrazor.”Hesaidthenhelaughedandshookhisheadmakingmesmile,
“IthoughtIjustcouldn’tfinditthismorning.”HeaddedthenhegrinnedatmesoIsmiled
back,“I’lljustbuyone.”HesaidshruggingsoIshookmyheadathimmakinghimfrown,
“Wedon’tgotoLerwrickthatmuch,we’reprettymuchisolatedhere.”Iaddedthenbit
mybottomlipashelaughed,
“I’llsurvive.”Hesaidnodding,“WhenarewenextgoingtoLerwrick?”
“Idon’tknow.”Isaidlaughing,“Buthey.”Iaddedsohegrinned.
“Couldbeafunexperiment.Seehowlongyou’llkissmefor.”HesaidhappilysoI
laughedthenIhithischestlightly,
“Soundproofexperiment.”Isaidsohenodded,
“Yes.Thatisnecessary.Goupstairs,I’llshoutyournamewhilstjumpingonthebed.”He
saidanditmademeexplodewithlaughter.
“Youdon’tdothatanyway.”
“WhatifIspontaneouslyscreamoutyourname?”Hesaid,“Whatifgodforbid,I
spontaneouslyscreamyournameandtheroofisNOTsoundproofandyourentirefamily
hearsmescreamyourname!”heexclaimedsoIstoodeventhoughIstilllaughed,
“Fine.Fine.Fine,shoutmynamewhilstbouncingonthebed.”Isaidthenlefttheroom
andranupthestairs,takingthemtwoatatime,thenIjuststoodthere,waitingincaseI
heardanything.Whichsofar,Icouldn’t.
“Whatareyoudoingupstairslittlebrother?”Darryl’svoicequeriedsoIturnedtoface
him,puttingmyhandsbehindmybackthengrinningathim,
“Nothing.”Isaidandgotacockedeyebrow.
“Nowreally?”hesaidsoInodded,
“Okay.OwenischangingIthoughtI’dgivehimsomeprivacy.”IsaidandDarrylcouldn’t
resistithebeganlaughing,
“Ohwhatbullshit.”HesaidsoIexhaled,“You’dbesatinthatroom,droolingoverhis
torsowhilsthechanged.”HesaidsoIsortofacknowledgedthecommentwithatiltofmy
head,“Sowhatareyoureallydoing?”heaskedsoIshookmyheadthenlookeddownthe
stairs.
“Nothing.”Isaid,“GoodnightDarryl.”Iaddedthenwentbackdownthestairs,backinto
theroomwhereOwenwasnowsatonthetopbunk.
“Itakeityoudidn’thearthat?”heaskedsoIshookmyheadwhilstclimbingontothefirst
stepoftheladder,asIwastallenoughtobeoneyelevelwithhimwithouthavingtoclimb
mostoftheladder.
“Notaword.”Isaidsohegrinned,
“Good.”Hesaidnoddingthenkissedme,“Goodnight.”HesaidsoIsmiledathim,
“Goodnight.”Irepliedthensteppedofftheladderandwenttoturnthelightoffthenfeel
mywaybacktomybed.

Itwasalwayssoquietofanight,alwaysoncethemastersofthehousehadgoneto

bed,itwasjustsilent,therewasn’teventherumbleofcarsoutsideonlyoccasionallycould
youhearafaintbaaofasheepinthedistancebutotherthanthatitwassilentanddark.I
couldhearOwen’ssteadybreathingabovemethetypeofbreathingthatsuggests‘I’mnot
asleepbutI’mpretendingIam’soIclearedmythroat.
“Yes?”heaskedmakingmesmile,
“Wanttobenaughty?”Iaskedandallofasuddenhisheadappearedoverthebed.“You
filthyboy.”Isaidandhelaughed,
“Naughtyhow?”heaskedsoIgotoutthebedandwatchedhimjumpdowntheladder
thanItookhishandandleadhimtowardsthekitchen,Ithensathimatthecounterand
broughtthecakestandoffthewindowsillandplaceditbeforehim.
“Grandmaalways,tendstomakeacakebeforebedoratsomepointbeforebed.Shedoes
rangefromcaketoshortbreadortablets.”Isaidandhefrowned,“It’sbasicallylike
fudge.”Isaidandhenodded“Butsheleavesthecakestandoutovernight,andmoretimes
thannotwhensheopensthecaketininthemorning,it’susuallyempty.”Isaidandhe
laughedasIpulledthetopoffthecakestandandrevealedamarblecake,
“Whoa,”hesaidmakingmelaughasIwentintothedrawerinthecounter,gottwoforks
outandhandedhimone.
“SeethisiswhyI’mlikeapudding.”Isaidwhilstsittingonthecounterbesidetheseathe
wason.
“Youarelikeanicelolly,shutup.”hesaidsoIlookedathimasatethebitofcakeofhis
fork.“Thisisdelicious.”headdedmakingmesmile,
“Inthemorning,”Isaidandhenoddedtome“Grandmatendstobakebread.”Isaid
nodding
“Ohmygod.”hesaidmakingmelaughasthedoortothekitchenopened,
“DAMMIT.”Darryl’svoicesaidsoIlookedathimandlaughedashegroaned“Youbeat
me.”headdedsoIlookedatOwenlaughingasheoverdramaticallycherishedthepiecehe
hadonhisfork.

DAYTWO

Wedecidedtogoonthelochthenextmorning,mygrandparentshadalittlerowing

boatandyoucouldjustdriftoutinitwithouttherebeinganyrealdangersowewentout
onit.Weusedtheorestogetusintothemiddlethenwejustlettheboatdrift.

“Ahit’saLittleMermaidmoment.”Owenexclaimedhappilywhilstrummaginginhis

pocketforhisphone,hethenofcourseproceededtoplayKisstheGirl.Owenintrigues
me,fully,heisaboy,likeareallymanlyboy.He’sstocky,hasgreatbroadshouldersthat
lookamazinginadinnerjacket,he’sstrong,tonedbuthasn’tgotabssohisstomachisjust
flat,tonedandtanned.Heusedtoplayfootball,wellhestilldoesbutnowhe’sjusta
reserve,heusedtoplayintheUnderThirteen’sandwould’veprogressedontothenext
sectionbutdiscoveredinsteadthathelikedguyssodidn’tjointheteam,becausehewas
tooafraidto.Buthestillplaysforfunalthoughhasn’tforawhileafteraballtoface,nose,
bloodwaterfallincidentnowhisnoseisslightlycrooked.Iontheotherhand,Iamtall,he
isstocky,Iamtallandslim,wellnoI’mnot,mylegsaredisproportionaltomybodyandI
havethisstomachthatsortofsticksout,butIknowhowtomakemylegslooksmallerand
mystomachlookslimmer.I’mpastywhite,I’mScottish,NorwegianandBritishI’m
featherwhite,Idohoweverhavefrecklestechnicallyallovermyface.I,unlikemysporty
partnerhaveperfectlycutandnotbittennailsandalsohavenoupperbodystrength.That
iswhyheintriguesmebecausewedon’tmatch,youwouldn’tlookatusinalineupand
decideddestinedtobetogether,no.Wedon’tmatchatallyethelovesme,eczemaandall
andIlovehimcrookednoseandall.Ithenlookedathim,thesongwascomingtoit’slast
fewlines,he’dbeenactingoutthesongperfectlysoIwithouthesitation,oncethesong
ended,tippedtheboatmakinghimsquawkthenbeginlaughingasweshookoffournow
soakedhairandweactuallykissed–thenwentfishingforhisphone,thankgoodnessit
waswaterproof.

“YouknowIthinkImightretire.”Isaidstandingandyawningoverdramatically

“Retirewhat?Youdon’thaveajob.”Darrylpunnedbecauseheobviouslythinkshe’s

funny.

“HA-hatobed,”IsaidasOwenalsostoodalthoughheactuallyyawned,“Good

night.”Isaidthendidthevarietyandnods,Ihuggedgrandmathenbegantoleavewith
Owenbehind,openedthedoorandtherefillingtheentiredoorwaywasmydadwho
pointedatme.

“N,”toOwen“O.”thentothecouch.

Wewerefinallyallowedtogotobed,accompaniedbyhotchocolatewithwhipped

cream,consolationofgrandma,sowesatonthebottombunkandwithdrankitdown
slowly.

“Whyisyourgrandmaperfect?”heaskedmakingmelaughasIlightlywipedtheside

ofhismouth,becauseofhisforgottenhisrazorsohehadslightstubblegrowing,which
madethewhippedcreamlookamusing,we’dbeentoldthatwedidn’thaveatripinto
Lewrickuntilthedayafternextsohejustwaslettingitgrow.“Areyougoingtobethat
perfect?”heasked“Likeyouwillbetheperfecthousewife?”

“Yeah,I’llwearanapronandeverything.”Isaidmakinghimlaugh,

“DidyourgrandparentsknowwhoIwas?”heaskedsoInoddedfrowningathim,

“YeahmyparentsaskedifyoucouldcomewiththefullcanNathaniel’sthreeanda

halfyearsboyfriendcomeandstayforthefortnightweare,theyshouldn’tbemuch
trouble,Idon’tthinkthey’veevenhadsexyet.”

“What?”Heaskedlaughingwhichmademesmile,

“Wellyeah,myparent’sthinkwe’veneversomuchhaveseeneachother’storsos,god

forbideachother’spenises.”Isaidandhegrinned,

“Godforbid.”herepeatedsoIlaughed“Youknow.”hesaidsoIfrowned“You’ve

nevertoldmehowyouactuallycameout?”hesaidsoIsmiledwhilstputtingthemugon
theladdertothetopbunk.

“Ididn’t.”Isaidandhefrowned“WhenIbroughtyouhomewaswhenmyparents

foundoutIwasgay,”Isaidslowly“IfiguredoutIlikedboyswhenIwasabouttwelve,
maybethirteen,butIwasn’twithanyonesoitwasnoconcernofmyparents,itdidn’t
matterbecausetherewasn’tsomeoneinthepicture,whydidtheyhavetoknowIliked
boysifIdidn’thaveaboyfriendtobackitup.”Isaid,“ThenIgotwithyou,Igaveour
relationshipaboutfourmonthsthenaskedmymumifIcouldbringsomeonefortea,she
saidofcourseandIbroughtyouaround,Ineversaidthewordgay,myparentsneversaid
thewordgay,nordidDarryl,theyjustknewbuttherewasnobigsonganddanceaboutit
becauseIdidn’tmakeabigsongordance,IbroughtyouoverlikeDarrylbroughthisfirst
girlfriendoverandtheyjustacceptedit,”Isaidandhesmiledslightlythennodded“How
aboutyouthen?”Iqueriedandhelookeddown,

“It’s,”hesaidthenhesighed,“YouknowIfiguredoutIlikedguyswhenIwas

thirteenbecauseIworkeditoutinthelastcupIwasplayingwiththeteam.AfterIleftthe
teamandbeforethetry-outs,Isleptatmymate’shouse,mymatewasagirl.”hesaidsoI
noddedagain“Shefellasleep,wellwebothfellasleep,butIwokeupatlikefouramandI
wentthetoilet.”hesaidsoItiledmyheadathim,“Myfriendhadabigbrotherhewas
whatseventeenorturningseventeenhewasn’tanadult,hedefinitelywasn’tanadultand
wesortofbumpedintoeachother,hewascomingbackupthestairswithadrinkasI
cameoutthetoiletand,”hesaidthenhelookedatme,“Andwellyou’resmartenoughto
workitout.”

“Youfooledaroundwithhim?”Isaidsohenodded,

“AndthenextdayIhadtotellsomeone,Iwasthirteen.Ididn’tknowanybetter,Itold

mymum,ItoldmymumIwasgay,ItoldmymumI’dfooledaroundwithhim,andshe
wentmad,shecalledmyfriendsmumwhointurnwhenmadatherson.Myfriend
stoppedtalkingtomebecauseIwaslyingandtalkingshitaboutherbrother,that’showI

cameoutandthat’showeveryoneinschoolworkedoutIwasgay.”hesaidthen
swallowed,“YourememberItoldyouIwastooafraidtotryoutforthefourteento
eighteenteam?”heaskedsoInodded,“It’sbecausehewasontheteamandIwasterrified
he’ddosomethingtomeorsaysomething.”
“Butthere’dhavebeennoway.”Isaidsohefrowned,
“What?Therewouldhavebeennowaythathecouldaccidentlytacklemeandwhilst
doingsobeattheshitoutofme?”hereplied.“IplayedforyearsNathaniel.Iknowthe
littleaccidentlyonpurposetackles.”
“Whatliketheballtonoseincident?”Iqueriedandhelaughedlightly,
“Nothatgenuinelywasanaccident.”Hesaidthensubconsciouslytouchedhisnose,
burrowinghiseyebrowslightlyasitwasprobablystillalittletender.“Thathasn’thelp
withthepromiseImadetomyselfaboutgettingbacktoplaying.”Headdedthoughtfully
thenhesmiledatmewhichmademelaughlightly.

DAYTHREE

“Ihaven’tworkedoutifwhenit’swarmofamorning,”Owensaidwhilstputtinghis

T-shirton,“Ifit’sgoingtobewarmfortherestoftheday.”hesaidmakingmelaughasI
putmyownt-shirton,

“Alwayspresumeitwillrainatleastonceandalwaysprepareforsnow.”Isaidthen

shruggedathim,“Justincase,youknow.”Isaidnoddingwhilstgettingmyshort
dungareesoutthewardrobe,

“Soyou’repreparingforsnowbywearingshorts?”Hesaidamusedashefastenedhis

jeansbutton,

“Iam,I’mScottishbyblood.”IsaidmakinghimlaughasItuckedmyt-shirtintothe

shortspartofthedungareesashecametomeandpulledthestrapsovermyshouldersand
connectedthemtothebuttons,

“Idon’tunderstandhowyoucanlikejustpullthisoff.”hesaidputtinghisarmsoutto

memakingmelaughasIgotmyjumperoutthewardrobeandputiton,

“Seesnow.”Isaidmakinghimlaugh,

“Alright,yeah.”hesaidnoddingthengoingintothesockdrawer,throwingapairto

methenkeepingapairforhimself.“DoyouthinkIcouldpullofdungarees?”Hequeried
whilstsittingonmybedtoputhissocksonsoIwentandstoodinfrontofhim.

“Doyouwanttopulloffdungarees?”IqueriedandhesmirkedsoIleantmyheadon

thetopbunkashepulledmebymywaisttowardshim,

“Ohyeah,”hesaidsoIhithisshoulderashegrinned.

“Later,Owenwehavetohavebreakfastfirst.”Isaidandhelaughed,

“Ohyoudon’tknow,”hesaidsoIfrowned“Thatmorningsexismorebeneficialin

thelongrunforbothpersonsinvolved.”

“Oh,right.”Isaidnoddingthenhithisarms,“Stillno.”Isaidandhewhinedmaking

melaugh,

“Atleastonce,promisemeatleastonce.”hesaidsoIlookedathimasheputhis

handstogetherandblinkedatme,

“Once.”Isaidnoddingandhegrinnedthenstood,

“I’llhappilygotobreakfastnow.”hesaidsoIgaspedoverdramatically,seeinghis

frownthenhissmileashecametome,takingmyhand,pullingmetohimandkissingme
makingmelaughandrestmyhandonhischest,

“Whythankyou,”Isaidnoddingsohenoddedback

“Canweeatnow?”

“Itoldyoutoalwayspredictrain.”IsaidnoddingandmakingOwenlaughasweboth

walkeddowntoourbedroom,we’dgottenbored,weweregoingtogooutanddo
something,anythingbutitbeganrainingsowewerelockedinandtoldtofindsomething
elsetodo,goingtoourbedroomwasouralternativethingtodo.

“Okay,okay,you’restillwearingshorts.”

“We’restillinside.”Irepliedandhesmiledslightlythenopenedthedoortoour

bedroomandwentandsatonthebottombunk,soafterI’dclosedthedoorIwentand
joinedhim,

“Didyoubringanythingtodo?”HeaskedsoIlookedathim,“Likewhenit’sraining

andstuff?”

“Ibroughtyou.”Isaidandhelaughed,

“Todo.”

“Todo.”Isaidnoddingasheshookhisheadamused,

“DoesthatmeanI’llgettopulloffdungarees?”HeaskedsoIhummedathimslightly,

“Ifyouplayyourcardsright.”Isaidnoddingandmakinghimlaughthenchangehow

hewassittingslightlysohecouldlookatme,

“Really?”HequeriedsoInoddedshruggingslightlyashelaughednoddingthenhe

movedtowardsme,turningmychinslightlyandconnectingourlips,softlyandsincerely
thengrinningatmesoIgrinnedbackthenreconnectedourlips,justmakingitharderand
quicker,untilwewerelayingoppositeeachother,runningourfingersdowneachother’s
frontswhilststillkissinguntilhestalleditandlookeddownsoIfollowedandgrinned.

“Oh,Owen.”Isaidandhelaugheddeeply,

“Nathaniel,dear,you’renobetter,”herepliedthenlookedbackupatmesoIraisedan

eyebrowathim,seeinghiseversoslightnodthenherestedhishandflatonmychestand
begantomoveitdownmystomach.whilstIusingmyfingersrandowntohisbuttonand
zipthendancedoveritbeforeopeningthemandslidingthetipsofmyfingersjustbelow

hiswaistband,hethenhadawhineaboutthefacthecouldn’tgetdownmypantstheway
heusuallydid,itdidhowevermakemelaugh,disconnectourlipsthentakemyjumperoff
lettinghishandsmovebackupmeuntilhereachedthebucklesandundonethem,folding
thetopofthedungareesoverthenslidinghishandtothesamepointminewasthen
reconnectedourlips,lettingourhandsmoveperfectlysynchroniseduntilwebothcaught
ourbreathandgrinnedateachother.

Webothmanagedtolookveryshiftywhilstwalkingtodinner,Grandmahadmadea

goodwholesomeroastdinnerandwebothwatchedasDarryl’seyessearchedus,upand
down.
“Yes?”Iqueried,becauseIcouldasIhadthebrotherconnection.
“Just,”Hesaidthenraisedhiseyebrow,“Noticingyou’restrapsarenolongeroveryour
shoulders,”hesaidsoIlookeddownasIranmyfingersthroughthestrapsthatwere
loopedanddanglingaroundmywaist,wejusthadn’tbeenbotheredtoredressourselves
properly.
“Yes.Thatistrue,”IrepliedandOwenalmostchokedonthesiphe’dtakenofwater.
“Shutup.”Ihissedathimwhichmadehiminstantlylaugh.
“No.”herepliedsoIgrinnedathimlightlythenturnedbackandcaughtDad’seyesseeing
averycuriousexpressionback,untilheblinkedandlookedDarryl,
“Leaveyourbrotheralone.”HesaidsoDarrylhuffedwhichmademegrinathimlightly
thenpulltongues,whichresultedinmebeingkickedintheshin.
“THAT’SABUSE.”
“Forthreemoredays.”DarrylhissedbacksoIscowledhimthenturnedbacktolookat
Owenwhocouldn’teatashewaslaughingsomuch,
“What’supwithyou?”Iaskedsohegrinned.
“I’manonlychild,I’veneverexperiencedadinnerlikethis.”HesaidandIsawMum’s
amusementatthatsentence,
“Youthinkthisisbad,whenwehaddinnertogethereverynightyou’dbeluckyifyou
cameoutwithoutbruises.”ShesaidmakingOwensmileatmesoIshrugged,
“Hekicks.”Ideclared,
“Youkickback!”Darrylexclaimedsoundingexhausted.
“Wehavealmostayearofrelaxingdinners,thenwecomebackhere.”
“Ohmotheryoumakeitsoundlikeyoudon’twanttoseeme,”Darrylstatedandgot
warningeyesfromMumwhichmadehimbitehislipandlookaway.“SeethisiswhyI
movedaway,”DarrylcommentedtoOwenwhoraisedaneyebrow,“I’mtwenty-fiveand
thatlookstillsendsshiversdownmyspine.”HesaidandOwengrinnedhappilythen
lookedatmesoIsmiledbackathimthencutintomypotatoes.

“WhydidDarrylmovehere?”Owenqueriedinthedarkness,we’dbeenquietfora

whilealthoughitwasclearneitherofuswereasleep.

“Hehatedthecity,”Isaid,“Eversincewewerelittlehe’shatedthecityitwastooloud

andtoobusy,thefortnightweusedtocomehereeveryyearhelovedsowhenhewasold
enoughhemoveddownhere.”

“Buthelivesinyourgrandparents?”HeaskedsoIhummed,

“Hemovedherewithhisgirlfriendatthetime,hisgirlfriendhatedit,he’dnever

broughtherbeforehejustmovedherewithherandshehatedit.Shehatedhowquietit
was,shehatedhowtherewashardlyanyonearoundsotheybrokeup,Darrylmovedin
withourgrandparents,shemovedbackhome.”

“That’squitesad.”hesaidanditmademesmileslightly,“Whatdoeshedothen?”

“He’satourguide,whenthecruisescomein,hedoesafourbyfourtourofthe

Shetlands,upallthecliffs,upthehillsandstuff.”

“Canwehirehim?”HeaskedsoIlaughed,

“YouwanttogoonaShetlandtour?”Iaskedandhehummed,

“AndIwanttogointotowntobuyacheapassrazor.”hesaidmakingmelaugh,

“Owen?”Isaidandhehummedagain,“Say,Iwantedtomovedownhere?”

“Yeah.”hesaidquietly,

“Wouldyoucomewithme?”Iaskedandhewasquiet,I’dliketothinkbecausehewas

thinkingaboutitthenhesaid,

“Willyoubuymeapony?”

“Doyouwantapony?”Iaskedlaughing,

“Iwantapony.”herepliedsoIsmiledintomypillow.

“I’llbuyyouapony.”Isaid,

“WellthenI’llhappilymoveherewithyou.”hesaidmakingmegrinasIturnedonto

mysidehuggingthepillowandclosingmyeyes,tryingtosleepandalmostgettingthere
onceIfeltmyduvetbeingliftedwhichmademecolduntilIsuddenlygotsharedbody
heatandarmswrappedaroundmymiddlesoIheldhishands,turningmyheadtomake
sureitwasactuallyOwenthensmilingathimthroughthedarkness,“Canwehaveagreen
house?”

“Aslongasit’sanicegreen.”Isaidandhelaughedthenburiedhisheadintotheback

ofmyneck.

“Andapony.”

“Ofcourseapony.”Isaidlaughingthenfelthimkissmyshoulderlightly,

“Thaniel?”hesaidquietly.

“Yeah?”Irepliedasquietly,wewerebothstartingtosurrendertosleep.

“Doyouwanttomovehere?”

“It’sanoption.”IrepliedthenIlookedathim,“It’sathought.”

“Ay,keepmeupdated.”hesaidsoIsmiled,

“Always.”Isaidnoddingthenlightlyranmyfingerdownhischeekthenkissedhim,

feelinghimsmilethenwhisperinggoodnightbetweeneachother.Gotintoamore
comfortablepositionandslowlybeganfallingasleep.

DAYFOUR

“Thereis.”IsaidthoughtfullyasIleadOwenoutthebackdoorandtotheminired

shedthatstoodoutthebackofthehouse.

“Isthere?”heaskedlaughingasIprettymuchbrokeintotheshed–notcompletelyI

justjiggedthelockabitanditopened.

“Thereis,”Iexclaimedpointingintotheshedandmakinghimlaugh,

“Areyoucapableofbikeridingupahill?”heaskedasIwheeledthefirstofthethree

bikesouttheshed.

“Yes.”Irepliedbluntlythenpulledoutthesecondbike,

“Butyoucouldgetmessy,”hesaidinagaspashelookedoverthebike–doinghis

verybesttolooklikeheknewwhathewassearchingfor.

“WellthenI’llgetawash,”IrepliedandhesmiledatmeslightlysoIlookeddown

becauseIdidn’twanttosmileback,heswearsI’vegotamildformofOCD,Idon’t,Ijust
don’tseethejustificationofgettingmuddyandmessy.

“Ay.”hesaidsoIlookedathimashefrownedatmeslightlysoIshookmyhead,

“Ready?”IaskedandhenoddedmountingthebikeasIdidthenlettingmeleaduntil

hecouldcatchupwithme.

“Sowherearewegoing?”heaskedsoIlookedathimthenpointeduptothecliff

“You’rekiddingme.”hesaidsoIlaughed,

“No,”Irepliedthenpushedoffagain.Reallyitwasn’ttoobadgettingtothecliff,the

roadjustcurvedalotbuttookalotofpedalpower,luckilywestoppedhalfwayup,wellI
stoppedandhealmostrodestraightintome,butdidstopjustontimefrownedatmethen
lookedathisleftandbecameafouryearoldgirl.

“PONY!”hesaidmakingmelaughasIleantthebikeonthefenceandwenttothe

pony,puttingmyhandoutsoit’dsmellitanddecidewhetheritlikedpeopletodayornot.
ItdidapparentlysoIbeckonedOwentomeandhebegantostrokethepony.

“I’mnotsurewho’sthisis,”IsaidslowlyandgotafrownsoIohed“Noneofthe

poniesarewild,everyponyyouseeisownedbysomeone.”Isaidandhenodded,

“Nowthat’sinteresting,”hesaidsoIlookedathim,“Seriously.”headdedthen

grinnedattheponywhowasleaningit’sheadintohishand.“Where’syourgrandparents
pony?”heaskedsoIshrugged,

“Idon’thaveaclue,probablyoffwondering.”IsaidthenheldOwen’sotherhand,

“Let’skeepgoing.”Isaidsohenoddedandalthoughreluctantlyhemovedawaywithme,
gotbackonhisbikethencontinuedwithmeupthehill,

“I’msorryifIoffendedyou.”hesaidsoIlookedathim,

“Youdidn’toffendme.”Isaidandhenodded,waited,“Youmadefunofme.”Isaid

andhesighed,

“I’msorry.”hesaidsoIshookmyheadagain,

“It’sfine.”Isaidthenstoppedthebikeagainsohedidthenhelookedatme“Itisfine”

Isaidandhenodded“Youjustdidn’trealise.”Iaddedsoheturnedaroundandhestopped
thebikethenlookedatme,

“Letitout.”hesaidsoIlookeddownthenshookmyhead,

“Thereisn’tanythingtoletout,Idon’tknow.”Isaidthenhehuggedme,oddly,since

hedidn’tgetoffhisbikebuthestillhuggedme,

“Ididn’tthinkofitasmakingfunofyou.You’dthinkafterthreeyearsI’dhave

realised.”hesaid“I’mstupid,it’sfine,weknowthat.”

“Yeah.”Isaidandhelaughed,

“Ohthanks.”hesaidsoIsmiled“Ibelievewehaveaclifftogetto.”hesaidsoI

lookedupandnodded,

“Wedo.”Isaidthenpushedoffthegroundagainwithhimfollowingbehind.Wegot

tothetopofthehill,wellIgottotheclifffirst,placedmybikedownthenstoodlooking
outuntilhecameupbehindme,grabbingmearoundthewaistandpullingmebackinto
him.

“Thaniel.”hesaidsoIleantmyheadbackthenlookedathim,

“I’msorry.”Isaidandhefrowned,“I’mbeingoverlydramaticagain.”

“Wellthat’strue.”hesaidsoIsmiledeversoslightly,

“You’renotstupid.”Iaddedandhelaughed,

“Iknow,”hesaidsoftly,“ButIamstupidwithussometimes–Iforgetthatyou’renot

aguyinthelockerroomorsomething,Iforgetthatmakingfunactuallyhurtsyou.”he
saidsoIturnedtohim,

“Icouldplayfootball.”Isaidandhelaughed,

“Youcould,”hesaidnodding,“You’drunringsaroundme.”headdedsoIgrinned

thennudgedhisnosewithmine,

“Forgiven?”heaskedsoInodded.

“Youwerewhenwemetthepony.”Isaidandhegrowledatmeslightlymakingme

laugh.IknowIamforgiving,I’mshyandforgiving,he’sboldandheremembers,if
someone’shurthim,they’vehurthimandhewillneverforgetthat,itmakesmethinkthat
I’mtooforgiving,thatIacceptthehurtandmoveonbecausewhatelsecanIdobutthat,if
Ididn’tdothatOwenandIwouldn’thavemadeitsixmonthsnevermindthreeandahalf
years.Wedon’tagreeonmuch,likeIknowthathealthoughhedidn’tsayit,hedidn’t
agreethathewasmakingfunofmethen,buthelikeme,learntafterourfirstyearwehad
tocompromise,wehadtoknowwhentheboundarywassoIcanhavealittletantrum

everynowandagainandhecansitandignoremeduringthefootball–andneitherofus
cangetupsetaboutitbutIcan’tgetupsetwitheverylittlethinghedoesandhecan’t
ignoremeduringSkySportsNews.

“Dowehavetoridedownthathill?”OwenqueriedsoIlookedathimthought,then

shookmyhead

“WecouldcallDarryl,gethimtodothetouryouwantthengointoLerwick.”

“That,Thanielisabrilliantidea.”hesaidmakingmesmileslightlyasIwentintomy

pocketandgotmyphoneout,thenrungDarryl.

“He’llbehereinabouttwentyminutes.”IsaidandOwennoddedtome,

“Andwhatarewegoingtodointhattime?”heaskedoverdramaticallymakingme

laugh,

“Smooth.”Isaidandhenoddedthenmovedalittleclosertome.

“Iamsmoothyouknow.”hesaidthentookmyhandandkissedit.

“Yourfaceisn’t.”Isaidandhelaughedthenrubbedthebackofmyhandagainsthis

stubblemakingmewhineandtrytomovemyhandawaybuthehadtostrongofagrip,
insteadhejustpulledmeintohimandwouldn’tletmego,thatwasuntilDarryl’sfourby
fourdroveupandparkedthengotoutandlookedatus,

“Alright?”heaskedsowenoddedandstood,helpedwithputtingthebikesintheboot

thengettinginthebackofthecar,

“Nowdoyouwantthetour?”Darrylaskedlaughingslightlyasheturnedtolookatus

inthebackseat,

“Somesortoftour,yeah.”OwensaidsoIsmiled,

“ThentoLerwick.”IsaidandDarryllaughedslightly,

“ThenintoLerwick.”hesaidnoddingandstartedtheengine,hedidgivehistour,not

totheextremesheusuallydoes,hedidn’tdoanyofthephotostopsandheobviously
didn’tgoupthecliffbutOwenenjoyedit,hewasamusedathowmanydifferentkindof
sheepDarrylcouldnamethenwastakenabackbythesuddenlyfilledupLerwick.

“ThereisonlytwoprimaryschoolsandonesecondaryschoolinLerwick.”Darrylsaid

andOwenfrownedatmesoInodded,“Andthereisnofastfoodjoints,noneatall,soyou
havequiteadrasticdietchangehere.”

“Minusgrandma’scakes.”IsaidandOwenlaughed,thensmiledatmesoIgrinned

back,

“Whatdoyouneed?”Darrylqueriedfrowningatusintherear-viewmirror.

“Arazor.”OwensaidandDarryllaughed

“Nothingelse?”

“No,butwe’llprobablyfindsomething.”IsaidandDarrylshookhisheadamusedas

hepulledintothesupermarketcarpark.

“Ithinkyourfamilyaregettingtoousedtome.”Owensaidashecameintotheroom

wrappedinatowelwithasecondoverhisshoulder,

“Why?”Iaskedlaughing.

“BecauseI’vejustwalkedfromthebathroomtohereinjustatowelandgotonly

hellos.”hesaidmakingmesmile,

“Ahyou’reoneofthefamily,”Isaidlaughingthengoingtohimrunningmyfingers

downhischeekandgrinning.

“Yes,cheapassrazor,workslikeacharm.”hesaidsoIlaughedandmovedtowards

himandkissedhim,smilingagainsthimthenkissinghimagainjustthistimewithmore,
welltongue.Itwashoweveradistractiontowhatmyhandswheredoingandoncethey
reachedtheirtarget-theknotinhistowel,Istoppedthekissandgaspedagainsthislips
whilstundoingtheknotandlettinghistoweldrop,hehowevergaspedbackwhenI
discoveredhehadhisboxersonthenhesmiled,“ALL,”hewhisperedslightly.

“Isequal.”IrepliedthenmovedaninchbackwardssoIcouldtakemyt-shirtoffthen

myjeans.“Better?”Iaskedandhegrinned,circledhisarmsaroundmywaistthenpulled
metowardshim,

“Please,”hesaidthenpushedhisforeheadagainstminesoIlookedathim,“Tellme

thereisacondomsomewhereinthishouse.”hesaidthenbithislipmakingmesmileand
moveawayfromhim,gointomyholdall,thenrevealacondomsatisfyinghimhugely,so
hecametome,tookthecondomoutmyhandthensatonthebottombunk,soIfollowed,
kneelingabovehimthenoverhim.

Ican’trememberwhensexbecameafrequentpartofourrelationship,I,OFCOURSE

rememberthefirsttimewedidit,butIalsorememberthemonthsafterweonlydiditonce
inawhile,Iwasonlyjustsixteen,we’dwaitedanditwasmysixteenthbirthdaypartywe
slepttogetherforthefirsttime,thepartywastheSaturdayaftermybirthdaywhichwas
theTuesdayandwedidn’tplantodoit,we’dbeentalkingaboutitalotmorethanusual
buthadn’tplannedondoingitthen,weofcoursedidn’tdrinkitwasasixteenthandOwen
himselfwasonlysixteen,turningseventeeninthenextfortnight,mypartyfinishedat
midnightandIstayedatOwen’s,hisparentshadgoneawayfortheweekend,myparents
didn’tknowthatandwehadsex-verymessyanduncoordinatedsexbutsexnonethe
less,hewasontopwiththetheorythathewasolder,strongersoheshouldbe,wesoon
figuredoutIwasmoresuitedforthatrole.Nowhowever,wedidn’thaveaschedule,we
werenotlikewemusthavesexonthisdaytothistimebecausethat’sboringand
predictablebutweatleasttryanddoitonceaweek.Atleast.

Youcanveryeasilyforgetwhereyouarewhenyou’resoengrossedinanotherperson,

whichiswhatIdid,neitherofuswerescreamersanywaysothatwasn’taproblem,
climaxingwasadeepshudderofbreathitalwayswasbutwhenIsatuptoregainmy
breath,myheadconnectedwithoneofthewoodenbeamsthatheldthetopbunksmattress

upandexpectedlyitreallyhurt.SomuchsoIcradledmyheadandmyeyesbeganto
streamwhichmadeOwen,naturallyreachformeandpullmeintohim,holdingmeinhis
armswhilstalsotouchingmyheadlightly,probablymakingsureIdidn’thaveblood
gushingoutofanywhere.

“You’reokay.”hesaidquietly,becauseheobviouslydidn’tfindanygushingblood,

thenhelaughedsoIraisedmyeyeline“Sorry.”hesaidcoveringhismouth“Itjust
amusedme,itwaslikewewerebeingtoldoffforhavingsex.”hesaidanditmademe
smilethenremovemyhandfrommypulsinghead,

“Thathurt.”Isaidwhilstlookingatmyhand,surprisedtoseethatitwasn’tcompletely

coveredinblood.

“Lookatme.”OwensaidsoIdid,lookingstraightathimandseeinghimlooking

straightback,intomyeyesuntilheshookhisheadobviouslydecidingsomething“You’ll
befine.”hesaidgrinningslightly“Mighthaveabrilliantbumphowever.”hesaidsoI
snuggledbackintohim,restingmyheadonhischestandfeelinghisfingersrunning
throughmyhairthendownmyback.

“Thenexttimewehavespontaneoussex,thisistheonlyroomwithbunkbedssoif

youwantanactualbedwithnoevilwoodenbeams.”Isaidandhelaughed,

“Evilwoodenbeams?”

“VERYevil.”Isaidandfelthimkissmyheadthenthebedroomdooropenedtoa

ratherbemusedlookingDarryl,

“Heardaloudbang,dadwasgoingtocomedownbutItoldhimI’dsparehimthe

journey.”hesaidtheleantonthedoor“Okay?”

“Bangedhishead.”OwensaidasIsatupandDarrylgrinned,

“AndHOWdidhedothat?”Heaskeddramatically,

“Wellmyheightislargerthanthespacebetweenthebeds.”Isaidandhelaughed.

“Bullshit,youwerefucking.”hesaidsoIrolledmyeyesandlookedatOwenashe

laughed,

“Don’tbeadick.”Isaidandheshrugged,

“Won’t,andIwon’tbetellingdad,butwhenIsayyoubangedyouheadgrandmawill

beatyouwithhermedicalkit.”hesaidmakingmesmile,

“We’llfollowyouup.”Isaidandhenoddedclosingthedooragainthengoingupstairs

soIlookedatOwenwhowasfully,fullyamused.

IclimbedupthreestepsoftheladderandlookedatOwen’sbed,beingtallenoughto

leancloseenoughtohearifOwenwasawakeornot.Hewasn’t,hisbreathingwasn’t
controlledandshallow,youcouldtellitwastheshallowbreathingofsleep,soIjumped
offtheladderandwentdownthecorridortothekitchen,Iopeneditslowly,peering
arounditandseeingitemptysoIwenttothecakestand,putitonthetableandgotafork,
revealedthecaketome,wellitwastechnicallyabanoffeepiethenIdugin,beingalone

foraboutfourmouthfulsbeforethedoorcreakedandDarrylappeared,soIgesturedthe
seatnexttomeandhetookit,aftergettingaspoon.

“AloneNate?”HeaskedsoInoddedwhilstlookingatthepieonmyfork,

“Owen’sasleep.”Isaidandhelookedatme,

“Whyaren’tyou?”HeaskedsoIshrugged,“What’sup?”HeaddedsoIfrownedat

himslightly.

“Why?”

“You’resatattwoam,eatingbanoffeepie,alonewhilstyourboyfriendsleeps.”

“Idon’tknow,I’mworriedIguess.”

“About?”HeaskedsoIfinallyatethepieonmyfork.

“MeandOwen,”Isaidandhefrowned.“Iaskedhimonthisholidayfortworeasons;”

IsaidsoDarrylnodded,“FirstwasbecauseIturneighteenthisweekandhe’smy
boyfriendsoIthoughtit’dbenice.”Isaidandgotanothernod,wellamouthfullofpie
nod,“SecondwasbecauseIwantedtofindoutifwecouldlivetogether.”

“Andyoudon’tthinkyoucan?”HeaskedasIcutanotherbitofpiewithmyfork,

“Idon’tknow,we’vebeentechnically‘living’togetherforfourdaysandhedid

somethingthatreallyirkedmetoday,butitwouldn’thaveirkedmeasmuchnormally.”

“Wellwhatdidhedo?”HeaskedasIatemypieceofpie,

“HemadefunofthefactIdon’tlikegettingmessy,”IsaidandDarrylsmiled,

“Anditbotheredyou?”

“Yeah,Idon’tknowwhyandafterI’dmadeapointaboutitIfeltsostupidbecause

therewasnoreasontobeupsetaboutit.”Isaid,

“Didn’tyoutwosleeptogetherthisafternoon?”HeaskedsoInoddedslowly,“Well

thenobviouslywhateverproblemsyouhadthismorningarenotimportant.”

“IknowthatbutIwasworriedthinkingifwelivedtogetherandifsomethingreally

stupidirkedmeandIwasanidiotand.”

“StopworryingaboutthatstuffNate.”hesaidsoIlookedathim,“Nathaniel,youand

OwenhavebeentogetherlongerthanI’veeverbeenwithagirl,”hesaidsoItiltedmy
headslightly,“Inthattimehaveyoueverhadthosestupidlittlebreakups?”

“No.”Isaidshakingmyheadbecauseamazinglywehadn’t,we’vefought,we’vehad

shoutingmatchesandarguedbutit’sneverleadtobreakingupit’sjustalwaysleadto
seeingeachotherthenextdayandbeinginsanelyapologetic,Isupposeithelpedthatwe
wenttodifferentschoolsandthathewenttocollegeandIwenttosixthform,havingthe
spacebetweenanargumentmadeyourealisehowstupidyou’dbeenandwhenyousaw
eachothernextyoujustwantedtobewiththatperson,it’swhywealwayswaitedaday
beforewemadeanydecisionsaboutourrelationship,

“Sowhatareyouworriedabout?Youtwohavealmostbeentogetherhalfadecadeand

nextyearhe’stwenty,he’sbeenwithyouhalfhisteenageyearsandyouthinkeitherof
youwouldjustthrowthatawayoverairk?”

“That’swhatI’mscaredof.”Isaidandhelaughedwhilsttakinganotherspoonfulof

pie,

“Youwon’tgetanythingdoneifyou’rescared,”hesaidthenhelookedatme“Areyou

planningonmovinginwithhim?”

“Someday,yeah.”

“Howsoonissomeday?”

“MysecondyearofUni.”Isaidandhenodded,

“Okay,andhe’llbeinhisthirdthen?”

“He’snotinUni,he’sinanapprenticeship,”Isaidnodding,“Bythen,hopefullyhe’ll

haveajob.”IsaidandDarryllaughedslightly.

“Doyouwanttostaythere?”

“Iwanttomovehere,”Isaidnodding,“Maybe,hesaidhe’dcomewithmeifIdid.”

“Wellthat’sagoodstart.”hesaidsoIlookedathim,helookedolderthanI’d

rememberedhimandconsideringIsawhimlastatChristmasitwasquitesignificant,I
couldtellhedidthecaketinnightly,it’dbeguntoshowonhimbutotherthanthathejust
seemedmoretiredandolderthanheis,hefiguredIwaslookingathimsohelookedback
atmeandhefrownedslightly,“What?”HeaskedsoIshookmyhead.

“Thanks.”Isaidslowly,“IthinkIneededthat.”Isaidnodding.

“Just,takethingsonedayatatime,don’tworrytoofarintothefuture,”hesaidsoI

noddedagainthenhadawarwithhimoverthelastpieceofpie.Iwon.“I’llseeyouand
yourboyfriendinthemorningthen.”hesaidsoInoddedwhilststanding,

“Youwill.”Isaidnodding.

Ishuffledbacktomyroom,takingitslowtryingtoworkoutwhattodoIcouldn’t

workoutifIshouldwakeOwenandtalktohimorleaveittillthemorning,Ireachedour
roomandfoundittobeasdarkasitwasbefore,Iclosedthedooroverandwalked
towardsthebedwithmyhandsoutstretched,feelingtheladderfirstsoItookitasahint
andclimbedupit,IstoodatthetoplookingatOwen’ssilhouettesincemyeyesstillhadn’t
fullyadjustedtothedarkthenItouchedhisshoulderlightly,thenalittlelesslightly,thenI
shookhisshoulder,hewokeupquicklyandsatupasquickly,lookingarounduntilhe
settledonmeandfrownedatme,

“What’sup?”Heaskedhisvoicelowandgravely,fullofsleep.

“I,”Ibeganthenchangedmymind,“Iwaswonderingifyoucouldsleepwithme.”I

saidandhelaughedsoftly.

“Areyoualright?”HeaskedsoIshrugged,

“ThinkIjustneedtoknowyourthere.”Isaidandfeltlameforsayingitbecauseit

soundedsosoppybuthesmiledatmethengesturedmebackwardssoIwentdownthe
stepsandgotintomybedwhichhesoondidaswell.

“Yousureyou’reokay?”HeaskedsoInoddedwhilstgettingmorecomfortableinmy

bedandrestingmyheadonhischestwhereIusuallydo.

DAYFIVE

“ThereisALOTofhills.”Owensaidsoundingoutofbreathaswereachedthetopof

thehillbehindthehouse.

“Wellyes.”Irepliedlaughingthentookaseatsohefollowedandwesatsilentlyuntil

helookedatme.

“Thaniel,”HesaidsoIlookedathim,“Givemeyourhand.”hesaidsoIfrowned,

“Comeon.”hesaidsoIdid,IthenwatchedhimasheinspectedthehandIgavehimthen
helookedup,“Thaniel?What’sup?”

“Why?”Iasked,

“You’vebeenbitingyournails–youdon’tbiteyournailsEVER.”hesaidandinthat

sentence,heshowedmejusthowmuchheinfactknewme.

“CanIbehonest?”Iaskedandhenodded,

“I’llbehugelyupsetifyouweredishonest.”hesaidsoIlookedathim,rightathim.

“It’syou.”

“It’sme?”herepeatedsoInodded,

“Iam,was,amscaredthatyou’rehavingacraptimebecauseyou’reusuallyinthishot

placewithfancycocktailsanddancingpeople.”Isaidthenlookeddown,“Iknowit’s
stupidbutIconvincedmyselfthatyouweren’tenjoyingyourself.”Isaidandhenudged
mychinsoIlookedathim,

“Whatbollocks,”hesaidsoIfrowned,“ThanielI’veneverbeentotheShetlandsor

Scotlandforthatmattersothisisabrandnewexperienceformeanyway–haveIatany
pointcomeacrossasnotenjoyingmyself?”

“No.”Isaidquietlysohepunchedmyshoulder,

“SoNathaniel,tellyourbraintobequietbecauseI’mhavingagreattimeandyou’re

herewhichmakesitabouttentimesbetter.”hesaidsoIlookedaroundhim,thoughtthenI
fellintohimandhuggedhim,sotightlyandherubbedmyback,“Youknowsomething?”
hesaidsoIshookmyhead,“Iloveyou–nowyouknowthat.”Inodded,“Anditdoesn’t
matterwhereweare,youcould’vetakenmeahourdowntheroadtoPrestonandI’dbe
havingthetimeofmylife.”hesaidsoIlookedupandIkissedhimwithsomuchforce
thatweeversoslightlyrolleddownthehilluntilhesteadiedussowestoppedrollingbut
justbeganlaughing.

Agamerequiringabouteighteenmentorunaboutafteraballhadcapturedeverymale

inthehouseholdandhadpennedthemintothelivingroomsoIstayedwell,wellaway
fromthatroom,mumwasinheranddadsroomdoingsomethingunknowntomeso

insteadIwentintothekitchenwheremygrandmawas,shewasdabblingbetweenmaking
dinnerandmakingacake.

“Whatcakeisit?”Iaskedmakingherjumpandohatmewhilstputtingherhandon

herchest

“Nathanieldear,don’tsneak.”shesaidmakingmesmileasIsatatthecounter,“I’m

makingcheesecake,”shesaidnodding,“Yourdadsfavourite.”sheaddedasshebeganto
putthebaseinatray.“Howareyoudear?”

“Okay.”Isaidnoddingsoshelookedatme,“Everyone’sbeenbrainwashedby

football,justatalooseend.”Isaidandshenodded,

“Somethingyouhavetoremember,menandfootballarelikefishandwater,you

shouldnevertakethemoutofwhereitisotherwisetheyflapabout.”shesaidmakingme
laugh,

“Owenlovesit,Itendtokeepwellawayfromhimifit’son.”

“Howcome?”Shequeriedasshefixedthebase,

“Aggressivecelebrator.”Isaidandshenodded,

“Hmknowafewofthem,”shesaidthenputthebaseintheoven.“Nowtellme.”she

saidwhilstwipingherhandsonherapron.“Howdidyoumeethim?”Sheaskedthensat
ontheseatonhersideofthecounter.Noonehadactuallyaskedmehowwemet,noteven
whenIintroducedhimtomyparents,thatbitjusthadn’tcomeup.

“Iwasfourteen,”Isaidandhereyebrowsraised,“Iwenttotownwithmyfriendsone

dayandwewenttothisplacewhereloadsofpeopleare,”Isaidandshenoddedtome,
“Hewastherewithhisfriendsandtherewasamutualfriendbetweenuswhichobviously
meantthatwewentandtalkedtoOwen’sgroupoffriends,theyallkneweachother,they
cameoutalotitwasmyfirsttimegoingoutwiththemsoIgotintroducedtothemalland
theywereallthesebigstockylads,andIhadn’thitmygrowthspurt.”Happenedatfifteen,
washugelyunpleasant.“SoIwastiny,IhadmyMaryPoppinst-shirtonfromwhenI
wenttoseethemusicalandheacknowledgeditandwellwetalkedaboutmusicalsfora
longtime,thenhegavemehisnumberandwecontinuedtotextwhichwaswhenwe
begantodiscoverwehadnothingincommon.”Isaidandshelaughedamused,“Buthe
stillaskedmeout,heaskedmeoutalonesowewentandwegotpizza,”Isaid,“Wedidn’t
gettogetheruntilIwasfifteen,itwasn’tasifwewerewaitinguntilIwasfifteenitwas
justbecauseI’dturnedfifteenandhe’daskedthen,”Isaidandshesmiled.

“Threeyears.”shesaidsoInodded,

“Willbefourthedaybeforewegohome,”Isaidandshegrinnedatme.

“Andtothink,I’dhadtwokidsbyourfourthyearanniversary,”shesaidshakingher

head“Youhavefunthough?”

“Lots.”Isaidnodding.

“Andhe’salovelyboy.”sheaddedsoIsmiled,thenturnedtolookatherasshe

ensuredtheovenwasdoingwhatitwassupposedtobedoing.

“Very,”Isaidnodding,“He’sverycomplimentaryofyourcakes.”Iaddedmakingher

chuckleasshegotthebaseouttheovenandletitcoolforawhile.
“But,doyouactuallyhaveanythingincommon?”Shequeriedasshebeganonthe
mixturetogoinsidethebase.
“Notalot.”Isaidshakingmyhead,“Honestly.”Iaddedsoshesmiledamused.“Ithink
wejustgeteachother,”Isaidnodding,“Like,I’mtheyoungestofmyfriends.”Isaidso
Grandmanoddedtome,“Andhe’stheyoungestofhisfriends,sohegetsthataboutme.”I
saidandshesmiledthenshookherhead,
“Hisfriendsandyourfriends?”sheaskedsoInodded.
“WellasmuchasIlikehisfriends,theyarehisfriends,Iknowthat,heknowsthatand
theyknowthat,soifweeverbrokeup,”Isaidthenknockedonthewoodencounter,
“Theywouldn’tfeeltheneedtochoosesides.Likemyfriends.”Isaidsoshenodded.
“Verymature.Iamimpressed.”Shesaidmakingmesmile.“Isn’titdifficultthough,with
nothingincommon?”SheaskedsoIshookmyhead,
“No,becausewedothingsanddiscovernewthingswehaveincommon.So,wewentand
wefoundoutthatwelikethesamefilmsthesamemusic.ButIfindhimsomuchmore
interestingbecausehegetssoinspiredfromthingsthatIwouldn’thaveevenofdreamed
ofdoing.”IsaidthenlookedshylyatGrandmawhosmiled.
“LoveisagoodlookonyouNathaniel.”Shesaidnoddingmakingmelookdown,only
slightlyembarrassed.

Icouldfeelmyshoulderbeingshaken,someonewastryingtowakemeup.

“Nathaniel.”Owen.

“Humph,what?”Imoanedlightlywhilstturningoveranddesperatelytryingtofind

himinthedarkness,hishandrestingonmyshoulderwastheonlyindicationthathewas
actuallythere.

“Wheredoesyourgrandparentskeepthesparesheets?”HewhisperedsoIfrowned

whilstsittingup,

“Why?”

“BecauseIcouldn’tsleepwithoutknowingthisinformation.”HesnappedbacksoI

rubbedmyeyes,

“Sarcasmatnightisnothelpful.”Imoanedandfeltashesqueezedmyshoulder.

“I’msorry,Nathaniel.”Hedidandalmostsoundeddesperate,

“Turnthelighton,”IsaidthroughayawnthenIburiedmyheadonmyliftedknees

untilIcouldseethattheroomwasbright,itstillhurtmyeyesthough.“Whathaveyou
done?”Iaskedthenlookedathimtakinghimin,hewasindifferentclothestowhathe’d
gonetosleepinandIonlyknewthatbecausehe’dgonetosleepinfullpyjamasandhad
wokenmeupwhilstwearingjustboxersandat-shirt,thenIgotitandIcockedmy
eyebrow,“Really?”Iwhisperedlightlysohenodded,thensighed.

“Shutup.”HesaidsimplysoIsmiledthengotoutthebed,

“DoInotfulfilyoursexualneeds?”ImockedlightlyasIbegantoleadhimoutandto

theairingcupboard,

“Shutup!”HemoanedatmesoIlaughedwhilstplacingaduvetandpillowcaseinhis

arms,“itwasyourfaultanyway,”hemurmuredthenlookedatmeasIlookedbackathim
curiously.

“Tellmeaboutyourdream.”

“Helpmechangethebed.”HerepliedsoInodded,

“Thentellmeaboutyourdream.”Ipushedandsawashechewedonhisbottomlip,

“Thenyou’llhavetoleadmetothewashingmachine,”herepliedsoIhuffedathim,

“Grandmawillsortthem.”

“Nodisrespect,butI’dpreferyourgrandmothertonothavetohandlemysheets.”He

hissedatmesoIlaughed,

“We’llsaythey’remine.”Irepliedsoheshookhishead,

“Ifyouhelpmeout,thenI’lltellyouaboutmydream,”hewhisperedsoInoddedto

him,

“Deal.”Irepliedheadinganexhaustedsighaswebeganbacktotheroom.Wherehe

thenstrippedthebedandgavemethejobtoredressit,whichonceI’ddoneittohis
satisfaction,Ileadhimtowherethewashingmachinewas.

“Ithought,sinceyou’reeighteenthisdidn’thappenanymore?”Iwhisperedlightlyso

helookedatmeoverhisscrunchedupballofsheets,

“Why?”Hewhisperedbackbutmanagedtosoundamused,

“Wellyou’reeighteenandyouhavesex.”Isaidwhilstpointingathimsoheshrugged,

“Doyouthinkateighteeneverythingjuststops?”HewhisperedsoIshrugged,

“Minustheimportantstuff?”

“Theimportantstuff?”Herepeatedwhilstlookingatmewiththatgoddamntwinklein

hiseye.

“Likeyouknow,erectionsandstuff,”Isaidandhegrinnedatme,

“Iloveyou.”HewhisperedsoIfrownedathim,“OhsonaïveNathaniel.”HesaidsoI

pushedhimmakinghimlaughquietlywhilstIopenedthedoortothewashingmachines
andbasicallypushedhimin,lettinghimbegintheprocessofputtingthesheetsthrough
thewashingmachineandoncehe’dsetthemtogoIwentandtrappedhimagainstthe
machine,
“So,thisdream?”IaskedandIheardhimgrowllightlythenheturned.
“Okay.”HewhisperedlightlysoImovedalittleclosertohim,“Iwasontopofyou.”He
whisperedandIfeltasmyeyebrowsrise,

“Wow.”Iwhisperedbackandhenodded,
“Andyoucouldn’ttouchme.Itwasforbidden.”HewhisperedandIcaughtmybreath,
“So,ItookallyourclothesoffandIjustlookedatyouforalittlebituntilyoucouldn’t
takeitanylonger,andIbegantokissyou,fromyourmouthallthewaydowntoyour
thighs.”HepurredatmesoIbitmylip.“ThenIconnectedmymouthto,”hebeganthen
smirkedatme,“You.”Hecontinued,“AndIbegansucking,”hewhisperedlightlythen
movedalittleclosertome,“AndIkeptsuckinguntilyouwerescreamingmyname.”he
saidwhilstmovingthatbitcloseragain,untilIcouldfeelhisbreathonmylips.“And
then,”hesaidandhislipsbrushedagainstmine,“Youexploded.”Headdedthenmetmy
eyeline,“BANG!”hewhisperedthenmovedbackandgrinnedatmeasIscowledhim,
“You’remean.”Isaidmakinghimlaugh,
“YouwantedtoknowdearNathaniel.”Hesaidtuttingatmelightly,thenheturnedhis
headtolookatthewashingmachine,
“Doyouwanttoeatwhatevercakeisavailablewhilstwaiting?”
“Thatisafabulousidea.”Hesaidnoddingthenhehummedatme,“WillIneedtoputon
pants?”headdedsoIglanceddownsmilinglightlyathisboxershorts,
“No.Asyoustrolledthroughinyourtoweltheotherday,Ithinkboxershortstoeatcake
inwillbemostacceptable.”IsaidthenIgrinnedathimmakinghimlaughandnodthen
letmetakehishandandleadhimtothekitchenwhereIthenrevealedaBattenbergcake.

DAYSIX

“Comeonboys,overnightbag.”DadsaidsoIlookedathimwhilstfrowningthenat

Owenwhowassatatmyfeetreadingabook,

“Why?”IaskedasOwenbookmarkedhisbookandleantitonmyknees.

“Cliffcamping.”hesaidsoIgroanedslightly,wehadn’tbeencliffcampingsince

Darrylwaseighteenanditwasliterally,wegoupthecliffthatDarryltourstooandwe
campthere,it’sfreezingandterrifyingbecauseyou’reonacliffandcouldsortofrollto
yourdeathwhilstshufflinginthenightbutit’safamilyactivityandwegoasafamily
(grandparentsexcluded)andwefreezeourassesoffandcallitbonding.

“Cliffcamping?”Owenrepeatedasdadlefttheroom,leavingthedoorjustthatbit

open.

“Yep,youknowthecliffDarryldroveusup.”Isaidsohenoddedwhilstkneelingon

mybedtoslidehisbookaboveus.

“I’mawareofsaidcliff.”hesaidnodding,

“WegoupthatcliffinDarryl’sfourbyfour,wesetupcampandweSLEEPonthat

cliff.”Isaidandhelaughed,

“That’squitecool.”hesaidsoIscowledhimmakinghimlaugh,“SuemeI’m

adventurous.”hesaidsoIlaughed,

“Youneedlikeextremelywarmclothes.”Isaidsohenodded,

“Check.”hesaidslowlyasIhummed,

“YoucouldprobablygetawaywithJUSTwarmclothes,Iwon’tjudgeyouifyou

don’tgetchangedbetweengoingandcomingback.”Isaidandhelaughedthentouched
hischest,

“OHNathaniel,I’mtouched.”hesaidsoIlaughedsarcasticallywhilstgettingmy

joggingbottomsoutthedrawer,followedbymylongsleevedjumperandhoodie,

“Sureyou’llbewarmenough.”OwensaidslowlysoIlookedathimwhilstwrapping

myjumperinsidemyhoodie,

“OhIhavemywaystogetwarm.”Isaidmakinghimhumamusedthencomeandget

hiswarmestclothesoutthedrawers–duringtheweeksleadinguptothisholidayI’d
stressedtoOwenthatbeingwarmwasimportantlikeespeciallyimportant,helaughed
alongandIthoughtthatmaybehethoughtIwasjustbeingdramaticbuthe’dpacked
enoughwarmclothestovisitthenorthpole,thatIappreciated,itmeantIhadn’twastedso
muchbreath.Wesharedabackpackbecausewhybothertakingtwohalfemptyones,we
thenstoodtoattentionwhilstdadstoodvarioussleepingbagsupright.Hewasmeasuring
them,becauseIwasbasicallyadaddylonglegs,Iobviouslyneededthelongestsleeping

baghewasstrugglingwiththemeasurementsuntil,

“Nathaniel,thinkfast.”hesaidsoIlookedupandcaughtthesleepingbagthatcame

flyingatmeasdidOwenwhoobviouslywaspayingattention,hethengavemehis
sleepingbagsoIlookedathim,

“I’llcarrythebackpack,yousleepingbags,they’llproperlyequaleachotherout.”

“Ahandallis.”IsaidwhilstputtingOwen’sonthenlookedatmydadashepickedup

hisownbackpack,

“Wanttodrive?”hequeriedtoDarrylwhoshrugged,

“Ifyoucanhandleit,youcandriveit.”herepliedgettingthegospelchoir(Owenand

I)oohing.

“Hm,watchyourmouthboy.”hesaidthencaughtthekeysDarrylthrew,“Allin,”he

said,“Wantthistentupbeforeitgoesdark.”headdedsowebegantomoveacceptingthe
tubbawaresoffgrandmotheraswepassedherthenofcoursethehugsandwegotintothe
car,drivingupthecliffofcoursetookamatterofminutesbutitfeltlikewe’dgonemiles
andmilesaway,wecouldseethehousefromthecliff,butitlookedlikeamodelvillage
andofcoursewedidn’tgetmuchtimetocommentonthatbecausedadclearedhisthroat
whichmeantstandtoattention,Iswearmydadwassomesortofmilitarygeneralinapass
lifebecauseDarrylandIdonotstepatoeoutoflinewhilstpitchingatent,weknewhow
todoitwhenwewerefiveandthirteenbutatthatpointDarryldidtheguylinesand
pushedthepegsintotheground,Ijustwalkedaroundwithamalletthatwastheheightof
mybodyandhiteachpegtwice,nowweallhadtodoeverythingandOwenbecame
probablythebestpotentialson-in-lawbecauseheknewwhattodowithoutbeing
instructedto,thisofcoursewasbecausewhenhewasthirteen,beforewemet,himandhis
parentswentverymildbackpackingforthesixweeksofsummer,ofcoursetheydidn’t
justturnupandhopeforthebest,theybookedcampsitesinadvancebecauseOwenwas
justthirteenbuttheyhadhimcampingforthesixweeksofsummerandinthattimethey
wenttothirteencountries(forhisthirteenthbirthday),allbyferry,busandtrain.Thisis
thestoryhewastellingmyparentswhilstputtingthebedroomsinwithDarryl,myparents
andDarrylwerecapturedbythetale,I’dheardthestorynumeroustimesbutwasstill
listeningwithintriguedear,IlikedwhenOwentalkedaboutthingsheenjoyed,Ihoped
thathe’dtellthestoryofthisholidaylikehewasofthebagpackingspectacular.

“Okaykids,”Dadsaidoncetheepichadbeentoldandtheluggagehadcomeintothe

tent,“MumandIwillhavethebigbedroom.”hesaidsoDarrylandInodded,weusedto
getthereallybigbedroom,andwe’dusethethirdpodasastoragespaceobviouslydad
wasrejiggingthebalancethistimearoundandconsideringDarrylwastwenty-fivemaybe
givinghimhisownspacewasprobablylogical,unlessmydadwasbeingagradeAparent
andputtingOwenintheotherroom.“Darrylblue,”hesaidandDarrylnoddedthenturned
andfoundthebluepod,“Obviously,NathanielandOwenyellow.”hesaidsowenodded
andtookourbagandsleepingbagsinthenbothkneltinthelittlepodandcaughtthe
sleepingmats,pillowsandtartanblankets,“Makeupyourroomsthenwe’llmaketea.”
dadsaidsowedidso,takingourshoesoffandplacingthemoutsideourpodthenzipping

usup(rollingupthecurtainsoweonlyhadtheflynetandwecouldbeseen),weboth
appearedtohaveanequalamountofcampingexperiencesowedidn’tconferaswelay
ourmatsdown,followsbyourpillowsthenwefoldedtheblanketsintwoandputthem
intothesleepingbagandputthesleepingbagsontopofthesleepmats,thensatontopof
themandbeganlaughing.

“Wow,you’rethewife.”hesaidsoInodded,

“Fullyaware.”Irepliedandhelaughed,

“Doyoucampoften?”heaskedcuriously“Ialwaysthoughtcampingwouldbetoo

messyforyou.”hesaidsoIshrugged,

“IcampedbeforeIbecamemudintolerant,IcampedaftertoobecauseIhadno

choice.”Isaidandhegrinned,

“Soyou’dbackpackwithme?”

“WouldIhaveachoice?”Iqueriedandhehummedthenshookhisheadmakingme

laugh“Putmeinwalkingbootsorwellies,allwillbefine.”Isaidnoddingandmaking
himgrinthenlookedthroughtheflynet,lookleft,lookrightthenkissme.

Wehadspaghettiwithsaucefortea,becauseyoucanputthatinapotofboilingwater

andnothavetoworrytoomuchaboutit,sowesat,withanextralayeronbasically
watchingasdadmadeit,wethenheldourplasticplatesupandtechnicallydrooledatthe
steamyplatethatwasdeliveredtous.Butpastaisstarchyanditfillsyouupafteronebite
soIgavethemajorityofmyplatetoOwenwhoapparentlycouldn’tputafootwrong,he
knowshowtoputatentupandlikesdad’scookingheislikeangelson-in-law.Healsois
likethisdominatebitchwhomakesmegoinsideandputextralayersonifmyteethso
muchaschatterorIrubmyarm–forthismydadloveshim,mymumwantshimto
proposeandDarrylwasgettingthebiggestkickoffhislifeoutofitandthekickofhislife
OFFmebecauseofhowmuchhewasenjoyingthis.

Wehadacampfire,alittlecampfire,dadsetametalsortoftroughonfireandput

enoughcardboardandtwigsinitsoit’dburnforabouttwohoursorso,andwesatand
basicallywatchedit,

“Whatwasit?”Darrylsaidthoughtfullyasheleantbackonhisarms,“Nathaniel’s

favourite.”hesaidanddadlaughedasIraisedmyheadfromOwen’sshoulderofcourse
myfamilyweredoingthiscamptriptoridiculemeandtestthewaterswithOwen,hewas
doingwell,Iwasreadytowalkoffthiscliff.

“Itwaseither,”hesaidthensatupslightly,“Downinthejunglewherenobodygoes.”

hesangmakingmelaugh,

“ItwasSingingintheRain.”IsaidsoOwenlookedatme,“Becauseitsaysarootta

tootaroottatootaroottatoot,toot.”IsaidwhilstwigglingmythumbsandDarryl
pointedatme,

“Thatwasit,wehaveloadsofvideosofhimasakiddoingthiswigglydanceto

singingintherain.”DarrylsaidnoddingsoIlookedbackatOwenwhowasgrinningat
me,ass.

“Don’tsayaword.”IsaidandOwenbithistongueuntilhecametowardsmyear,

“Myfavouritewasdowninthejungle.”hewhisperedmakingmelaugh,

“Really?”Iaskedandhenoddedwhilstsittingupslightly,

“WeusedtosingitinCubs,itwasthebestone.”Hesaidmakingmesmile,

“SoyoucampalotOwen?”DadaskedandOwenshrugged,

“Weusedto.”hesaidthensighed,“ThelastcampwewereonwaswhenIwas

thirteen,theinternationalbagpackaroundtheworld,butdaddevelopedbackproblems
andwehaven’tbeenabletogotoomuch.”hesaidthenshruggedsoftlysodadlookedat
me,Ishookmyheadheacceptedit,

“YouwenttoCubs?”

“Yeah,Beavers,Cubs,wereIgotmyoutdoorkick,leftthoughwhenIwasnine.”he

saidthensighed,“Butthatwaswhenwebeganfamilycamping.”hesaidthenhelookedat
me,thislookofhisIknew,Iknewverywell,hehadmanyregretsOwen,Iknewthat.One
wasleavingCubsbecausethatmeantheleftcamping,heleftexploring,heleftallthat.
Hisfamilysawthathe’dlostthatsidetohimsotheybegancamping,theybegantaking
himawaythroughsummer,theyindulgedhim,he’sanonlychildofcoursetheyindulged
inhim,thenhisdadtookhisbackoutinwork,hepickedupaboxthatwastooheavyfor
him,heslippedadisc,Ibelieveandwasbedboundformonths.Owenwasfourteenand
they’dbeenplanningtheirtripthatyearbuthisdad’sinjuryobviouslystalledthatandhas
stalleditforthefouryearsthathavefollowedbecausehehasn’tgotthebackstrengthto
carryabagorhelpsetupatentorsleeponthefloor,itbrokeOwen’sheart,Iknowitdid
buthedidn’tdaretellhisdadthatitdidbecauseobviouslyhecaredtoomuchforhisdad
totellhimhewasupset.Theyofcoursetriedtomakeupforthelackofcampingbytaking
himintentionalforthelastfouryears.Helikesit,he’senjoyeditbutit’snotthethinghe
loves–IofcoursethemudintolerantcleanfreakhadtofallinlovewithBearGrylls.But
Ihadn’tinformedOwenofthepossibilitythatmydadmayspringacampingtriponus,I
leftthatforasurprisetohim,ansurprisewhichhewasobviouslylovingandIwillbe
rewardedforlater–hopefully.Butnow,insteadIheldhiskneebecauseitwastheclosest
partofhisbodytomesoonceItouchedhiskneehetouchedmyhandandhesmiledatme
soIsmiledback.

Westayedaroundthefireuntilitbegantoburnoutsowhenitdiddadsentustoget

readyforbedwhichincludedpeeingandbrushingourteethintothebushesthengettinga
bottleofwatereachoutofthebackofDarryl’scarthengettingintoourlittlepodsand
beingallowedtoactuallyclosethetent.

WewereusingOwen’sphoneasalightbecausewe’dforgottentogetatorchoutthe

caraswellandoncewewerebothsnuggleddownintooursleepbagshislightbecamea

flashbecausehebegantakingpictures,untilDarryltoldusverycreativelytostopit
becausethelightwasannoyinghim,soinsteadwelaylookingateachother.

“Youknow,”Iwhisperedsincehewasslightlyshivering,“Ifyouwearless,you’re

warmer.”Isaidandhelaughedwhilstshakinghishead,

“Smoothlittlebrother.”Darryl’svoicedriftedthroughthetentmakingmejump,“Very

smooth.”hesaidsoIlookedatOwenwhowasjustlaughing.

“ThankyouDarryl,youcanputyourearplugsinnow.”Isaidandheardhislaugh,

“Andallthreeofyoucangotosleep.”Dad’svoiceboomedmakingOwenandIjump

thenbeginlaughingagainsoImovedtowardsOwen,

“Idoactuallyhaveanideatogetwarm.”Iwhisperedsohenoddedandgavemehis

phonesoIputtheflashbackonandputitinoneofthesidepockets,thenshuffledoutmy
sleepingbag“Out.”Iwhisperedsohenoddedslowlybutgotouthissleepingbagthensat
onhispillowcuriouslyasIunzippedbothbags,Iplacedhisontopofthesleepmats,then
placedoneofgrandma’sblanketsontopofhissleepingbag,“Getin.”Iwhisperedmaking
himfrownbuthedid,hejustsortofshuffledoffthepillowandputhislegsoutontopof
theblanket,soIputthesecondblanketoverhimandlethimstraightenitoutthenmy
sleepingbagbecauseitwaslonger.Ithengotinmyselfandlethimturnhisphoneoff.
“How’sthat?”Iwhisperedandhelaughedthensnuggledmoreintoit,

“Ohperfect.”hewhisperedbacksoIgrinnedandmovedintohimthenkissedhim

“Youcouldwarmupyournose.”hewhisperedsoIpretendedtolaugh,

“Youcouldwarmitupforme.”IwhisperedbackandhegrinnedasIfelthisknuckle

againstmystomach,aswenolongerhadthebarrierofthesleepingbaghewasobviously
enjoyingbeabletoactuallytouchme,heopenedhishandthenheslippeditfrommy
stomachtomyback.

“Ihaveabucketlist.”hewhisperedsoIlookedathimashegrinned,

“Yeah?”Iwhisperedbackandhenoddedthencameclosertomyear.

“Numberfifty-four,havesexinatent.”hewhisperedandIbeganlaughing,

“Can’t.”Iwhisperedandhenodded,

“Iknow,butrememberit.”

DAYSEVEN

Iwokeupfirstoutofeveryonethenextmorning,soafterwigglingoutofOwen’shold

andgoingtorelievemyachingbladder,Iwentandsatontheedgeofthecliff.I’dwokeup
whilsttheskywaslightbutthesunhadn’trose,soIswungmylegsoverthecliffandIsat
andwatchedwherethesunwouldcomeup.
“Hey.”IheardalmostwhisperedsoIturnedquickly,resistingjumpingthreefeetintheair

fromfright.
“Owen.”Iwhisperedbacksohesmiledthencameandsatbesideme.“Whydidyouwake
up?”
“Becauseyoudisappeared.”Hereplied,thenhesmiledatme,“Isuddenlyfeltcoldand
discoveredthatIactuallyneededthetoilet.”HesaidsoIlaughed,
“SO,yougotup.”Isaidandhenodded,
“Whydidyou?”hequeriedsoIshruggedathimwhilstswingingmylegsandknocking
thecliffagainstmyheels.
“Ijustwokeup.”Iwhisperedlightly,“Iwasthankfulitwasn’training,socametosit.”
“Why?”heaskedsoIpointedasthetopofthesunbegantoappearturningtheskytoa
yellow-yorange.“Wow.”HesaidlightlysoIgrinnedathim,“Seethisispartofthereason
whyIlikecamping.”Hesaidnodding,“It’salwaystoohotandstickyofamorningon
otherholidays.”HesaidnoddingsoIsmiled,
“Whereasyoulovetofreezeyourselfforthesunrise.”
“Forthesunrise.”Herepeatednodding,thenhegrinnedatmesoIgrinnedback,then
turnedasIheardthezipofthetentandsawtheratheramusedexpressionofmyDad.
“Hungry?”hequeriedsoInoddedtohimasOwendidslowly,“Okay.”Hesaidlaughing
slightlythendisappearedagain,soIlookedbackatOwenwhowastakingapictureofthe
sunrise.
“You’resohipster.”Iwhisperedmakinghimlaugh,
“LivewithitThaniel.”Hesaidnodding.

Dadmadebaconrollswhenhe’dreappearedandamazinglythesmellofthebacon

luredDarryloutofthetent.Wethenallstationedourselvesontheedgeoftheclifftoeat
outbaconrolls,wellIatemysliceofbacon,Owentoretherollapartandatethat.
“Sowe’llgetthetentdownfirst.”Dadsaidandgotmutednods.“ThenI’lldriveitbackto
thehouse,ifyouwantyoucanaccompanythejourneydown,ifnotyoucanmakeyour
waydownthecliffinyourownpace.”Hesaidsoweallnoddedagain.“Justrememberto
actuallygetdressed.”Headdedthenopenedthetwocampchairs,soheandMumcould
sitwithoutdanglingoveracliff.
“So,arewewalkingdownorarewedoingitthelazyway?”heaskedsoIhummedathim,
“Canwedoitthelazyway?”Iqueriedmakinghimgrin,
“Thisonce,Isuppose.”Hesaidnodding,“Butsinceallisequal,I’mgoingtomakeyoudo
somethingactivelater.”Hesaidnoddingwhilstshufflingbackandpushinghiskneesto
himchestsohecouldstandwithouttopplingover,
“ActivethatIlikeoractivethatyoulike?”Iqueriedashestood,
“We’lldecidelater.”Herepliedthengrinnedandwentbackintothetent,soIturnedand
lookedatDarrylwhowaslookingoutrageouslyamused.

“Tellme,”hesaidsoIraisedmyeyebrowathim,“Whatiswiththeallisequalstuff?”

hesaidsoIlaughed,
“WhenwefirstgottogetherbecauseIwasyoungerthanhim,wehadthisdiscussion.I
askedhimifhewasinchargebecausehewasolder,strongerandthen,taller.”Isaidandit
madeDarrylinstantlylaugh,“HesaidthatwascompletelyridiculousandifIwantedtodo

somethingtodoit.So,wemadeadealthateverythingwouldbeequal,allthetime,so,for
example,whenweusedtomeetup,we’deitherdoitsoitwaswithinwalkingdistancefor
bothofus,orwithinabusesdistanceorsomething,soneitherofuswherespendingmore
thantheotherandstuff.”Isaidthentiltedmyheadathim,“Butit’salsothingslike,if
we’rearguing,weeventheplayingfieldandsay,allisequalsoIhavemytimetotellhim
what’swrongorwhathasupsetmeandsodoeshe.”IsaidandDarrylsmiledthenhe
lookedatme,
“Soyoudon’tpayforindividualmeals,yousplitthebillintwo.”
“Ican’tsaywe’veeveractuallybeensomewherethatyoudon’tbuyfoodindividuallyat
thecounter.”Isaidandhelaughed,
“Bless.”Hesaidshakinghishead,soIscowledhimlightly,“But,”headded,“Thatdoes
makesense.”Hesaidthoughtfully,“Verymature.I’mimpressed.”Headdedthenmoved
backhimselfandstoodwhichgavemeenoughroomtospinmylegsaroundandstand
thenfollowOwenintothetent.

Theheavensopenedthemomentweallclimbedintothecar.Whichmeantwehadto

findawaytoentertainourselveswhilstthisfreakshowerhappenedoutside.Weendedup
amusingourselveswithapackofcards,bothofusknelteithersideofthecoffeetable
playingsnap,becausewewerenotallowedoutthesightofsomeone,soplayingsnapon
oneofourbedswould’vebeenano-go.Grandadwasourchaperoneforthemoment,he
wassatreadingthenewspaper,completelydistractedfromwhatweweredoing.We
could’vebeenscrawledoutonthecoffeetable,dryhumpingandhewouldn’tbatan
eyelid,butwewerenot.Wewerekneelingplayingsnap.Untilweslappedeachother
becausewebothsawtheredtwo.
“OW!”IdeclaredseeingOwen’samusedsmile,thenwatchingashescoopedthecards
fromthetableintohispile.
“Youareasoreloser.”Hesaidnoddingwhilstmakingsureallthecardswerestraight,
“You’reviolent.”Irepliedandhelaughed,thenlookedupasthedooropenedtomy
grandmawhosmiledatthetwoofus,
“Iamdoingawash.Anythingtogoin?”hequeriedsoIturnedtolookbackatOwen
who’seyeswidenedthenhebeganlaughing,“I’vedoneyourbedsheets,”sheaddedand
OwenputthecardsdownsoIgrinnedathim,
“Ithinkthat’sall.”Isaidandsheraisedhereyebrows,mostlyatOwenwhowasobviously
thoroughlyamused,
“Noclothes?”sheaskedsoIshookmyhead,gettingahumthensheleftagainsoIlooked
atOwen.
“Wellwasn’tthataclosecall.”Isaidandhegrinnedatmeslightly,

“Very.”Hesaidthengrinnedhappilyandplacedthefirstcarddown.

“Therainhasstopped.”DaddeclaredsoIturnedtolookathim,we’dhaltedoursnap

gameabouthalfanhourago,andwerenowsatleaningagainstthecouch.
“Goodobservationson,”Grandadmurmuredfrombehindhisnewspapermakingme

smile,
“WouldyouliketogointoLerwick?”heaskedsoInoddedtohimslowly,“We’llgodown
tothebeach,”headdedsoIlookedatOwenwhofrownedatmelightly,
“You’regoingtoneedacoat.”Isaidmakinghimlaughbutnodtomethenstandandleave
theroom.
“Soareyou.”DadsaidmakingmesmilethenstandandfollowOwenontheroutetoour
room.DaddroveusdowntothebeachwithDarrylinthepassengerseat,whichhedidn’t
seemtoohappyaboutashewasn’tactuallydrivingaroundtheplaceheknewsowell.He
didhowevergetintoatinyargumentaboutparkingthefourbyfour,butwedidfinallyget
parkedandwewereletoutthecar,
“Soit’sfreezingandwe’reatthebeach.”Owensaidwhilststuffinghishandsintohis
pockets,toshieldhimselffromtheharshwind.
“You’llsee.”Isaidnoddingtohim,thenpulledonhiselbowsohe’dfollowthedirection
weweregoing,thenfeelinghimstop.“Toldyou.”Isaidthenturnedtolookathimashe
grinnedandfollowedbehinduntilwecouldseeclearly.Beforeus,amongstthewavesthat
werecrashingagainsttherockswereaherdofseals,commonsealsandgreysealsall
loungingonthebeachorjumpingintothelowtide.
“Wow.”HesaidunderhisbreathsoIgrinnedathimslightly,“Sofarbasedonmy
holidaysinthelastfouryears.”Hesaid,“Thisiswinning.”Hesaidnoddingthenhe
grinnedatme,
“Butnothingcanbeatthebagpack,”
“No.”herepliedlaughingsoIgrinnedathim,
“Shallwekeepgoing?”Dadsaidsowebothturnedtolookathim,“Goaroundtheshops,”
headdedsoweagreedwithhimandfollowedhimuptothepavement,untilwecouldget
backintothecarandgotdrivenintotown.
“So,I’mgoingtotakeityoucan’treallywalkanywherearoundhere?”HesaidsoIshook
myhead.
“No,everywhereistoorural,toofarawayfromeachother.”
“PerfectplacetodoyourDukeofEdinburgh,eh?”hesaidmakingmelaugh.
“Iwouldrathernotthinkaboutthat.”IsaidgettingaslightgrinbackasDadparkedup
againandbegantoleadustoamorecloseduparea,neartothecruiseshipterminal.
“Okay,I’llgiveyouanhourthereabouts,we’llmeetbackhere.”Hesaidsoweboth
nodded,“Haveyoubothactuallygotmoney?”hequeriedandgotanothernod,“Befree.”
Hesaidsowebothturnedandheadedtowardsafudgeshopthatwassituatednearby.

“Hey.”IheardOwensaysoIturnedtowardshim,lookingawayfromplayingwiththe

littlenoveltygifts.“Foundit.”hesaidsoftlythenshowedmethestickerthatwouldsoon
bestuckonhissuitcase.
“Success.”Isaidwhilstraisingmyarmsandmakinghimlaughasmyhandcollidedwith
somethinghangingfromtheceiling.“Ow.”IsaidandgotagrinasIbroughtmyhand
downandhelditupuntilhetookitandkissthebackofmyhand,
“Juststopgrowing.”Hesaidnodding,
“Yes,thatistheobvioussolution.”Irepliedmakinghimsmilethenbegantoleadme

towardsthetilltopayforhissticker.Wethenwentintotheshopnext-doorwherehechose
apostcardandbroughtapenandastamp,thensatwithmeoutsideonthewallandwrote
hispostcard.
“Parents?”Iqueriedsohenoddedthensmiled,
“It’snotasifI’mnotspeakingtothemanyway,butIthinkthey’dappreciatedthe
sentiment.”Hesaidobviouslyfullyamused.
“Howdoyoukeepmanagingtodisappeartotalktoyourparents?”Iaskedsohelookedat
me,
“Wedospendtimeapart,youknow.”Herepliedthenpeeledthestampoffandstuckitin
therightcorner.“Orhaveyoubuggedme?”
“Damn,youfoundout.Iwashopingthebugwouldlastthenextweek.”Isaidshakingmy
headathimdramaticallymakinghimlaughandpushmyarm,andalmostpushingmeoff
thewall.

DAYEIGHT

“Three,”IheardOwen’svoicesaidmakingmelaugh,“Two,”hesaidsoInodded,

“ONE,”hesaidthenhejumpeddowntheladderandappearedonmybed,“Happy
Birthday.”hesaidmakingmelaughsoIcuppedhischinandkissedhim.

“Thankyou.”Isaidthennudgedhimoffmybedsowecouldgotothekitchen.Which

webothrantoo,hegottheforksandIgotthecakestand,whichIputcentralthensaton
thecountertounveilit,tooOwen’sdrumrollonthecounter.Grandmahadsolovingly
madeachocolatefudgecake,myfavouritethatshedoesn’tmakethatoften,she’dputa
eighteenonitwiththatthickwhiteicinganditlookedbeyonddelicious.

“Thisisn’tyourbirthdaycakeright?”OwenaskedasIkneltonthecountertotakea

picture,

“Nah,mybirthdaycakewillbestorebrought,thisisjustalittletreatfrommy

grandma,tuckin.”Isaidandhegavemetheforkmakingmegrinandtakethefirstslice,
relishinginthetasteandlettingmyjoybeknown.

“Inevermakeyoumakethosenoises.”OwenmurmuredandIalmostchokedonthe

bitI’deaten,

“Coveryourselfinchocolatefudgeandyouwill.”Isaidnoddingtookthebitoffmy

forkthenfrowned,“Thatsoundsalittlekinky.”IsaidandhenudgedmykneesoIlooked
athimashelaughed

“We’lldiscussthatlater,”hesaidsoIgrinnedashestoodup,“Ithink,though,I’llgive

youthisnow,soIdon’tgetembarrassed.”hesaidandwentintohispyjamapantspocket,
thengavemeaneatlywrappedlittlebox,

“Embarrassed.”Iaskedandhenodded,

“Itcouldbesolame,andso,”hesaidthentiltedhisheadslightly,“Homo.”headded

soIlaughed,

“Homo?”Irepeatedandhenodded,

“Sohomo,”hesaidmakingmesmilethenunwrapthebox,whichIthenopenedtoa

littlesquareoftissuepaper,soIlookedathim,“IamNOTaskingyoutomarryme,”he
saidasItookthetissuepaperoffandsawtworings,“IswearI’mnot.”headdedthenhe
cameandleantbetweenmylegs,takingtheboxfrommeandholdingitinfrontofme.
“It’s,”hesaidthensighed,hewasembarrassed,eventhoughitwasonlythetwoofus,he
wasembarrassed.“They’reeternityrings.”hesaidthenmanagedtolookatme,“They’re
usuallygivenonananniversaryorafterthefirstkidisbornbutIthought,it’salmostour
fouryearsandyou’reeighteen,Iwantedtogetyousomethingyou’dcherishandstuff,I
didn’twanttogetyousomethingthatwouldbedecorationorsomething.”hesaidthen
tookadeepbreathinsoIlookedinthebox,theyweresilverandblack,twoblackstripes

withathinsilverrunningthroughthemiddle,“It’sstainlesssteel,”hesaidnodding,“It’s
notlikestupidlyexpensive,ifyouhateit,I’mnottoooutofpocket.”

“Owen,”Isaidandhenoddedtomewhilstbitingmylip,“Iloveit,whatfingerdoyou

weariton?”Iqueriedfrowningsohelaughedwhilstlookingatthetworings,seeing
somethingandchoosingtheoneontheleft,

“Youwearitonyourringfinger.”hesaidholdingmylefthand,“Youputitonthe

samefingerastheengagementandweddingring,”hesaid,“Because,”headdedsoI
lookedathim,

“Theringfingerhasaveinthatleadsstraighttotheheart.”Isaidandhenoddedthen

sliditontomyringfingerbeingrelievedthatitfit.

“Thankgod,Iguessedyourringsize.”hesaidmakingmelaughthentakeasecond

ringoutandputitonhisringfinger.

“Thankyou.”Isaidnoddingthenslidmyhandsoverhisshoulder,“Butyes,so

homo.”Isaidandhehitmychestlightly,

“Shutup,”hesaid,“OtherwiseIwon’tgiveyouyourotherpresent?”

“Otherpresent?”Iaskedandhenodded,

“Yes,”hesaid,“Inmyleftpocket.”headdedsoItiltedmyheadathimslightlythen

wentintohispocket,feelingwhatwasinthereandlaughing.

“Oh,Isee,”Isaidnoddingthenheldbothmyhandsup,“Cake.”Isaidraisingoneof

myhandsmakinghimlaughandpushmyhandsdown.

“YouCANfinishthecakefirst.”hesaidmakingmegrinthenkisshim.

Itookhimsilentlyintotheroomthathadadoublebedinitdownstairs,itwasmy

oldestunclesroomandbecausehewastheoldesthegotadoublebed,thenafterhemoved
outitbecametheroombetweensharingaroomandleavinghome,obviouslybecausedad
knewaboutthisroomhedidn’tputOwenandIinit–asunfairasthatwas,butbecauseI
alsoknewthisroomwewereabouttouseittoouradvantage.

“Ohyou’reeighteennow,”Owensaidashewalkedbackwardstowardsthebed

makingmelaughandwalktowardshimwithmyhandsbehindmyback.

“Iameighteen.”Isaidnodding,

“You’reaman.”hesaidsoIlaughed,

“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.”Isaidandhelaughedthensatonthebed,

“You’remyman.”hesaidsoIsmiled,

“THATIam.”Isaidlaughingthenkneltonhimandkissedhimmakinghimsmileand

kissmebackthenslowlyputhishandsundermythighsandliftmethenputmeback
downonthebed,

“Now,howtogiveyouyourpresent,”Hehummedlightlyasheplacedhishands

eithersideofmyhead,“DoIGIVEyouit?”hesaidtiltinghisheadtotheright,“OhdoI

letyoudeliverit?”hesaidtiltinghisheadtotheleftthenhummed,

“Ohthatisadebate,”Isaidsoundingoutofbreath,“Abigone,whilstyoutryand

workitoutI’mjustgoingtoslowlyundress.”Isaidmakinghimlaughthenkissme.

Wesimplyfellasleeponcehe’ddeliveredhisbirthdaypresenttome,whichmeantthat

wehadtosneakoutofthedoubleroom,tothebunkbedroomwithoutcausingany
suspicion.Weprettymuchmanagedto,Owenjustaboutgotintohisbedwhenthedoor
openedtomyMumwhocameinveryhappilywithbreakfastforme,andOwen.Shehad
broughtinfoodforhimtooandhefelt,it’dbeeasierforMumifhecamedowntositon
mybedwithme.Shethenplacedthetraywithpaindechocolat’sonandsomeordinary
croissants.ShethenconvenientlydisappearedsoIlookedatOwenwhowasfullyamused,
“Ialwaysfeelasifyourmotherislikethekindthatifyouaskedforacondomshe’dgive
youone.”Hesaidwhilstpickinguponeofthepaindechocolat’s,
“Well,”Isaidslowly,soheraisedanintriguedeyebrow,“ShedidsortofhintatthatafterI
introducedyoutoher.ButIhaveneverdared.”Isaidandhegrinnedatme,

“Youmustdare.Youmust.”Hesaidnodding,“YourdadislikeifIfoundoutyou’ve

hadsexIwillcastrateyouandyourmum’slikegohavesex,havesex,reproduce!”hesaid
makingmealmostchokeonmybiteofcroissant.
“Reproduce?”Irepeatedsohegrinned,
“Well,yes.”Hesaidthoughtfullythenshruggedatme.“Ibelieveinyourbagthereisonly
onemore.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,IwasfullyawarethatIhadonlyputthree
condomsinmybag.Butthatwasbecausethreewaseasiertohidethanaboxful,
especiallyifDadhaddecidedtodohisspontaneousbagcheck.Hehadn’t,I’dcomeoff
luckybutIstilldidn’tdareriskit.“Ifwesurpassourthreelimit,willyouask?”
“Youthinkwe’llsurpassthree?”Ireplied,managingtosoundshocked.“Areyoua
rabbit?”IaddedsohegrinnedatmeandpointedatthesecondpaindechocolatsoIshook
myheadathimwhilstremainingtopickatthecroissantinmyhands.

Weventureddownstairsafterabouthour,thehourdidincludeeating,showeringand

dressing–whilstalsogettingenoughmotivationtoactuallymoveandseemyfamily,who
wereallsittingnonchalantlyaroundthecoffeetablethathadavarietyofgiftbagsallin
differentshadesofblue.AlthoughIthinkIactuallyspottedagreengiftbagamongstthe
blue.
“Ah,heemerges.”Grandadcommentedfrombehindhispaperthenhelookedatmeand
smiled,hehadthesametwinkleinhiseyethatOwenhadwhenhedecidedhewantedto
messwithme.Itwasonlyslightlyoff-putting.

“Doyouhappentohaveanypreferencesabouthowyouspendtoday?”Grandma

askedsoIlookedtowardsherthenIhummed,
“Idon’tknow.”IsaidthoughtfullyasOwendecidedtotakeaseatbesideDarrylonthe
couch.
“Wellwe’retakingyouintoLerwickforamealtonight.”MumsaidsoInoddedtoher,

“Butbeforethat,youarefreetodoasyouplease.”Shesaidthensmirked,“Withinreason,
ofcourse.”SheaddedthendirectedhergazetoOwenwhosmiledbackathercompletely
innocently,IthenwatchedasDarrylwhisperedsomethinginOwen’searwhichmadehim
instantlylaugh.
“Pleaseopenyourpresents.We’reanxiouslywaiting.”GrandmastatedsoIsmiledthen
wentandkneltbythecoffeetable–halfbecauseofthelackofseatsleft.Iopenedthemint
greengiftbagfirst,itfeltappropriateasitwastheonlyonethatactuallystoodout.Itwas
fromDarryl,whichwastobeexpected,insidewasablackandablueboxwhichIwentto
liftbutinsteadwentforthethingwrappedintissuepaper,whichturnedouttobean
aftershaveset,whichIthankedhimforthenshuffledthebagaroundabittoseewhatwas
writtenontheothertwoboxesandthemomentIdid,Iturnedmyattentiontohim.
“Forlater.”HesaidandOwenbeganlaughingchildishlyasDarrylmanagedtosmirkat
mewithoutlosinghimselftothelaughthatthreatenedhisface.
“Hm.Thanks.”IsaidnoddingthenIquicklyslidthebagfarenoughawaysothatIcould
openthenext.ThebagsthatfollowedcamefromAuntsandUncles–mostlyDad’s
brotherswhostilllivednearby.IntheendI’daccumulatedthreeaftershaveandshowergel
sets,abigbarofTobleroneandavoucherforanonlineshoppingsite.ThenIgotmy
grandparentsgift,whichwasdeliveredtomeinalittlesilverbox.Intheboxwasalocket,
whichwasengravedwithanR,averyfancyRthatfilledtheentiretyofthesurfaceofthe
goldlocket.ThenIattemptedtoopenit,beingverycarefulwhilstdoingso,sonotto
breakit.Insidewasapicturefrommyparentsweddingday,aneightyearoldDarryl
holdingontoMum’shands,Iwasaboutsixmonthsoldanddadhadmesatonhisarms,a
stronghandkeepingmeupright.
“Thankyou.”IsaidquietlythenlookedatGrandmawhosmiled,
“Iwasgiventhelocketonmyweddingday,fromyourgrandad’smother.”ShesaidsoI
noddedtoher,“Ithoughtoutofallmygrandkidsyou’dappreciateitthemost.I’veleftthe
spaceforanotherpicture.”SheaddedsuggestivelysoIsmiledalittletimidlyatherthen
nodded.
“Thankyou.”Irepeated,thencarefullyplaceditinthebox,savingputtingitonforlater.I
thentookasecondboxfromDad,whichwhenIopenedit,revealedawatch,whichhada
goldfaceandablack,leatherstrap.
“Itwasyourmother’sfather.”Hesaidnoddingasheobviouslysawmegoingtoask
whoseitwas,sinceDarrylhadgottenhisfather’swatchforhiseighteenth.“Takegood
careofit.”hesaidsoInoddedquicklytohimthenplacedthewatchalongsidethelocket,
aseconditemtobeputonlater.

“Areyouready?”OwenpushedasIlinedthegiftbagsupinalineattheendofmy

bed,thenstoodtofastentheleatherstraparoundmywrist.
“Ready.Yes.”IsaidnoddingthenIsweptmyarmsout,sohenoddedafterbasically
checkingmeout,
“Lovely.Simple,button-up,andit’sgreenwhichweknowbringsoutyoureyes.”Hesaid
nodding,“Thenyoursmartjeans.Whichisalsosmart,andlooksgoodwiththepractically
sparklingblackandwhiteChuckTaylors.”HesaidsoIgrinnedthenheldthechainofthe

locketandconnecteditaroundmyneck.
“However,Iamonlevelwithyouandyourpoloshirt,whichisa,niceshadeofred,notto
overbearing,nottoodiluted.Whichgoeswonderfullywithyourdarkerdenimjeans.”I
saidnodding,onceIwassatisfiedthattheclasphadconnected.“Then,of,courseyour
choiceofstillintactbutbarelywhite,andblackChuckTaylors,also.”Isaidandhe
smirked.
“Why,thankyou.”HesaidnoddingthensteppedtowardsmesoIkissedhim,
“Areyouready?”Iaskedandgotaweakhitonthechest.
“I’vebeenwaitingforyou.”HealsogrowledatmesoIgrinnedlightlythentookhishand
andpulledhimdownthecorridoruntilwecametoasuddenstopatthedoorandhe
crashed,soelegantlyintomybackmakingmestumbleforwardalittlebit.
“I’lltakethatasyou’reready.”Dadsaidraisinghiseyebrowsatthetwoofusandmaking
ustitterlikekids.

Itwasahigh-endrestaurantthatwegottookto,threecoursedmealandeverything.

“IthinkthisisthemostI’veeaten.Ever.”IsaidshakingmyheadandseeingasOwen
hummedatme,
“IthinkIagree.”HesaidnoddingthenhesmiledatmelightlysoInoddedbacktohim
whilstplacingmyknifeandforkonmyplate.
“Hereyougolittlebrother,”DarrylsaidsoIlookedupandathim,“Yourfirstlegal
drink.”Hesaidraisinghiseyebrowamused,“We’renotgoingtodiscusstheillegal.”He
addedsoIgrinnedathimandtooktheofferedpint,andtookasip.
“Ithoughtonedidn’tenjoypints.”OwenwhisperedinmyearsoIlaughedlightly,
“Onedoesn’t.”Irepliedshakingmyhead,“ButIcan’tdenymyfirstlegaldrink,nowcan
I.”Isaidandhegrinned,
“I’llbuyyouaVodkaCranberrywhenyou’redone.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,grinning
athimashepickeduphisownglass,takingasipoutofitwhilstgrinningatme.

DAYNINE

“Areyoufeelingdelicate?”Owen’svoicerangthroughmythoughtssoIgroanedback

athim,makinghimlaughthenleanoverthetopbunksohecouldhangoverandlookat
me.“Wasthatayes?”heaskedsoIlookedathim,“WasitthefourVodkaand
Cranberries?”heaskedsoIlaughedlightlyandrolledoversoIcouldburymyselfintomy
pillow.“Anotheryes,Itakeit.”IheardOwensay,thenfeltasthebunkbedmovedand
soonOwenwasaboveme.
“Idon’tfeeldelicate.”Irepliedalittlecautiouslyasheraisedhiseyebrowsatme,“Ijust
wantmoresleep.”Isaidsohegasped.

“Butifyouwentbacktosleep,wewouldn’tbeabletohavesomefun.”

“Somefun?”Irepeatedsohenodded,
“Ifyourecall.Therewassomethingthatwasreallybeneficialtobothpersonsinvolved?”
“Iseemtorememberithavingsomethingtodowiththemorning.”IsaidnoddingthenI
lookedathim,“Whatwasit?Breakfast?”
“Notquite.”Herepliedtiltinghisheadatme,
“Morning.Ahamorningshower.”Isaidnoddingsohelaughedhappilythenshookhis
headagain,
“No,noNathaniel.Youwon’tevenhavetoleavethebedforthisone.”
“Ohofcourse.”Isaidpointingathimsohesmirkedatmelightly,“Asleepin.”Isaid
nodding,sohegasped,
“Somethinglikethat.”Hesaidnoddingthenliftedmychinlightlyandsmiledatme,soI
smiledbackandacceptedthesoftkissheinitiated.Whichsoonbecamemoreheatedand
handsbeganroamingoverotherbodyparts.Untiltheunfortunateneedforairbecame
apparent.
“Doyouknowwhatitisyet?”Owenwhispered,soundingoutofbreathsoIsmiledathim,
“Ithinkyoumightneedtojogmymemory.”Iwhisperedbackthengrinnedathimashe
laughed,
“Really?”heaskedsoInodded,“WhatifIdon’twantto?”headdedsoIhuffedathim
thenpulledmytongueathim,gettingagrinbackbeforehebowedhisheadandinstantly
connectedourtongues,whichmadeaverysatisfiedmoanescapemymouthandallowed
myhandstowanderdownhisbackuntilIcouldslipmyfingersunderthehemofhist-
shirt.Myhandstingledastheyranovertheskinofhisback,Icouldhearthemoanfrom
Owenthatbegantomixintothekiss.Ifeltashisfingersrandownmybodyuntilthey
reachedmywaistband,hewenttoslipunderthem,butinsteadhelookedup,soIopened
myeyesandlookedinthedirectionhehadandwatchedasthedoorslidopen,noteven
acknowledginghowOwenmovedoffmesoquickly,hefelloffthebedandlandingonhis
ass.WhichofcoursemademefallintohystericsasmyDadappearedinthedoorway,
wenttosaysomethingthenfrowned.
“Hm?”hebegansoIlookedatOwenagain,who’dcrossedhislegswhilstlookingatDad
asifhehadn’tjustfelloffmybed.“Getup,we’regoingonadaytrip.”Hesaidthen

lookedatOwenhimselfandraisedhiseyebrow.
“Whereto?”IqueriedonceI’dsuppressedallthelaughs.
“You’llsee.”HesaidnoddingthenhenoddedandleftsoIlookedatOwenwhoturnedto
lookupatmethenbeganhystericallylaughinghimself,whichsetmeoffagain.

Afteronelookoutside,wedecidedtodaywasdefinitelyacoatday.Sowewrapped

ourselvesup,bothinsweatersandjeans,althoughmysweaterwasthinnerandmyjean’s
skinner,thanOwen’sthicksweaterandstraightjeans.Thenmadeourwaytowards
breakfast.
“Morning.”Mumsaidnoddingtousoverhercupofcoffee,sowebothnoddedback
whilstsittingatanemptyplateeach.Theybothsoonhadascotchpancakeonandanarray
oftoppingswereofferedtous.Owenchoseraspberriesandblackberriestosmotherhis
pancakewhilstIsquirtedsomegoldensyruponmine.
“Soareyoupreparedfortoday?”Dadaskedinmydirection,soIlookedathimthen
behindmeatDarrylwhowasputtingthingsintoabackpack.
“I’mthinkingso.”Hesaidnodding,“Twoflightsright?”heaskedsoDadnodded.
“HourandatenminutestoBergen,thenforty-fivetoGeiranger.

”

HesaidsoIraisedmy

eyebrow.
“We’regoingtoGeiranger?”IaskedsoDadnoddedtome.
“We’redoingtwohoursthere.Spendingafewhours,thentwohoursback.”Hesaid
nodding,
“We’renotsailing?”Isaidwhilstleavingtheotherhalfofmypancakeandplacingmy
knifeandforkalongsideit.
“No,nottoday.”Dadsaidshakinghishead.“Itwillbealongday.ButI’msurewe’ll
handleit.”Hesaidthenclappedhishands.“Let’sgo.”Headdedsoundingreasonably
enthusiastic,soIlookedatOwenwholookedprobablyasenthusiasticandwillingly
hoppedofftheseattogoandgethiscoat.

WehadtodrivedowntoSamburghairporttogetontheplanetoBergenwhichadded

anextrafortyminutesorsotoourjourney.Aswe’dleftintheearlyhoursofthemorning,
oratleast,earlierthanusualbythetimewewerelandinginGeirangerit’djustpasthalf
tenandevenaftertheexhaustingjourneythere,Ienjoyedsoakingintheamazed
expressionfromOwenashestoodinfrontofthefjords.
“Well?”Iqueriedandheshookhishead,
“Thisisbeyondwords.”HesaidsoIgrinnedathimandtookhishand,makinghis
walkingspeedupsowecouldcatch-upwiththerestofmyfamilywho’ddecidedtojust
goahead,whichwesoondiscoveredtheyweregoingforataxi,whichweallmanagedto
squeezeinto,ensuringthatOwengotthewindowthatwouldshowhimmostofthe
waterfallsandprettymuchbreath-takingscenerythatGeirangeroffered.
“Canweputourgreenhousehere?”Owenwhisperedtomeaswepassedawaterfall,soI
grinnedathim,
“Wecanlivehereifyouwillinglygiveupthepony.”Irepliedandgotadramatictut

beforeheactuallybegantoconsidertheoption.He,howeverdidn’tgettoreplyaswe
pulledupandIpushedhimoutthetaxi.Thentowardsthebarrierwhich,fromtheheight
wewereatshowedtheentirefjordinitsglory.Fromwherewewerestood,wecouldsee
thattherewasacruiseshipdockedinthemiddleofthefjord,itmanagingtolooktiny
againstthesurroundings.
“That’llbeinLerwickintwodays.”Darrylsaidfrombesideme,makingmelaugh
slightlyashesmiledatme,“Alreadybookedtotakeafamilyuparoundthecliffs.”He
saidsoInoddedtohim,thenturnedtolookatOwenwhowasstandinginaweoftheview
beforehim,butnotsomuchinawethathecouldn’ttakeapictureonhisphone.

“I’vebeentomanyplacesNathaniel.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,frowninglightlyat

theuseofmyfullname,“Butnoneofbeenasamazingasthis.”Hesaidthenshrugged,“I
tellatinyliethere.Butyougetmydrift.”Hesaidmakingmesmilethenpulledhim
slightlytowardsmesoIcouldkisshischeek.
“I’vebroughtyousomething.”DarrylsaidsoIlookedbackathimashesearchedthrough
hiscoatpocket,thenrevealedtomeapadlock.
“Apadlock?”IaskedwhichmadeOwenlookatme,
“Alovelock.”HesaidsoDarrylnoddedtohim.
“Ialsobroughtasharpie,soyoucouldsignit.”HesaidwhilstpassingasharpietoOwen,
becauseobviouslyheknewwhattodo,unlikeme.
“Lovelocksareplacedonbridges.”Hesaidsoftlytomeashewrotehisinitialsonthe
goldenlock,“Theyrepresent,”hebeganthenhegrinnedatme,“Youngsweethearts,”he
musedsoIlaughed,“Love.Yousignanddateit,lockitontothebridgethenthrowaway
thekey.”Hesaidnoddingwhilstpassingthelocktome,soIsigneditmyself,thenwrote
thedate.Thenwithhim,lockeditaroundoneofthebarsonthebridge.
“Doyouwantto?”heaskedholdingthekeytomesoIlaughed,
“You’regoingtogetitfurther.”Isaidnodding,“EvenDarrylknowsthat.”Iaddedand
heardmybrotherslaughofagreement.ThenwebothwatchedasOwenclosedhisfist
aroundthekey,cockedhisarmbackthen,threwit,usbothtryingtotrackwhereitlanded,
wesawthegoldengleamofitasitflewthroughtheairuntilwelostit.
“Goodthrow.”DarrylsaidnoddingwhilstsoundingimpressedasOwensmirkedathim.
Thentookmyhandandpulledmetowardshim.
“Dofeelfreetolookaway.”HecommentedsoDarryllaughedwhilstturningtolookatthe
waterfalltoourleft,whilstOwenpulledmetowardshimandkissedme.Thenhegrinned
atmeashistonguesweptoverhislips.
“Areyoufinishedyet?”Darrylprettymuchshoutedatus,soIturnedandlaughed,then
turnedfurtherandsawasMumsmirkedatmelightly.

Westoppedatalittleshopcafé,neartothedockforourdinner.Weallhadabowlof

soupandhalfasandwich,becauseitwasthemostreasonablethingonthemenuandit
wasquiteachillydaysosoupmadesense.
“So,”Owenbegancuriouslywhilstlickinghisspoon,“Whyhasn’tyourgrandmacome
withus?”heaskedsoIsmiledathimlightlywhilstpickingthecucumbersoffthe
sandwichandeatingthemindividually.

“Well,”Ibeganthenhummed,“Goodquestion.”Isaidamusingmyselfthenlookingat
Darryl,
“Sheloveshere.”HesaidsoOwennodded,“ButasnoneofherNorwegianfamilyno
longerlivehere,itisfilledwithalittlebitofsadness.Butthenagain,shebroughtme
aroundNewYear,so,”hesaidwhilstgoingintohisowntrainofthought.
“Shefelttheflightswouldbetoolong.”DadinterruptedhimsoOwenlookedupasI
pickedupthemugwithmysoupinandbegantotakeafewsips.“Usuallywhensheand
Dadcomeheretheycruise.”HesaidandOwennoddedtohim,
“Right,okay.”HesaidthenlookedatmeasIsmiledathimbeforetakinganothersipof
mysoup.“Didyouspendanytimehere?”heaskedandDadnoddedwhilstresistingthe
smilethatwasthreateninghisface.
“WeusedtospendChristmasandEasterhere,withmygrandparents.”Hesaid,“The
fjordsatwinter.”HebegansoIlookedatOwen,
“ArelikeinFrozen.”Isaidandhelaughedhappilywhichwasmostlydirectedatmeand
throughthecornerofmyeyeIsawasDadallowedthatsmileofhistocomethrough.

Hesetuponatrek,oncewe’dallletourdinnergodownandhadourplatestaken

fromus.Wewrappedourselvesbackupinourcoatsandbeganourlittletrek,Darrylatthe
front,followedbyacuriousOwen,whowastechnicallypullingmebehindhim.Mumand
Dadfollowedamused,asDarrylbegantoleadusupametalstaircasethatfollowedthe
biggestwaterfallinGeiranger.HimandOwenwherestridesaheadofme,practically
runningupthestaircasesoIturnedtolookatmyparentswhobothlaughedatme,then
Dadsqueezedmyshoulder.
“Comeonson,youcandoit.”hesaidnudgingmesoIcarriedonup.“Ishealwaysthis
active?”headdedsoIletoutabreathylaugh,
“Unfortunately.”IsaidmakingDadsmileamusedatme,“Healwaysmanagestotireme
out.”IaddedthoughtfullythenheardmyMumcoughthroughalaugh.
“TherearethingsweneedtoknowNathaniel.”ShesaidsoIlookedather,“Thatwasnot
oneofthem.”SheaddedsoIfrownedwhilstreachingoneofthemanyplatformsthatI
couldwalkstraightforawhilethenIgasped.
“Ididn’tmeanthatway.”Isqueakedandmademyparentsjustlaughmore,thenfeltasI
waspushedupthelastblockofstepstowardsOwenandDarrylwhowerestoodlooking
overthewaterfall.
“Wellyoutookyourtime.”OwendrawledatmesoImimickedhimthenwentandstood
bythebarrierlookingoutattheviewwhichhewasgrinningat.
“Slowandsteadywinstherace.”Isaidsohehummedatmethenleanthisheadtowards
me,
“Youdidn’tsaythatonyourbirthday.”HemurmuredsoIlookedathimashegrinnedat
me,showingmethetipofhistongueashedid,“FasterOwen,for,”hebegan,looked
aroundthencameclosertome,“Forfuckssakefaster.”HewhisperedsoIcoveredmy
mouthwhichmadehimgrinevenmore.“Hey,Ienjoyedit.”Hesaidthoughtfully,“Might
bethinkingaboutrecreatingthat.”Hesaidnoddingthenjumped,veryobviouslywhen
Darrylputhishandsonhisshoulders.

“Now,nowlanguagelikethatwillnotgetyouinthefamilygoodbooks.”Hewhispered
anditwasOwen’sturntolookawayembarrassedwhichmademegrin.

Wetookmany,manyselfiesonthetopofthewaterfall,andwiththeviewbehindus.

Thenwebegantomakeourwaybackdown,leadingOwentowardstherowoftourist
shops,whichwespentalotoftimegoinginandoutof,exchangingthemoneyforOwen
ashekeptforgettingtheexchangerate,thenweallsatonanoutdoorpicnictableandhad
abowlofwarmwafflesandchocolatesaucedrizzledoverit.
“So,whichdoyouprefer?”DarrylqueriedmakingOwenlookathimwhilstlickingthe
forkhe’dbeenusing.“LerwickorGeiranger?”HeaskedandOwensnortedlightlyasI
usedmyforkasaknifeandbrokealittlesquareoffthewaffleandateit.“IthinkIprefer
Lerwick.”Hesaidnodding,“Althoughhereisvisuallyamazing,Lerwickissomuchmore
cliff-yandmoreofanadventureland.”HesaidsoDarrylnoddedathimthoughtfully.
“Good.”Hesaidnodding,“Good.”HeaddedthenlookedatmeandwinkedsoIgrinned
backathimlightlyandhadanotherpieceofwaffle.

TheflightbacktoLerwickwasquiet.TheflightfromGeirangertoBergenwasabit

moreactiveandtalkative.Butoncewe’dchangedplaneseverythingsortofdeflated.
Darrylhidhimselfawayinabookwithhisheadphoneson,leavingOwennochoicebutto
talktome,whichhedid,buthedidquietlyandverysedate.
“IneverthoughtI’dseeaplacelikethatthisweek.”Heprettymuchwhisperedtomeand
Ionlyhearditbecauseofhowclosemyearwastohismouth.
“NeitherdidItobehonest.”Iwhisperedback,“IwasgladwhenDadsaidwewere
going.”Isaidnodding.“Iwillwintherecentholidayaward.”Iaddedmakinghimchortle
lightlywhilstrubbinghisforeheadagainstmyshoulder,
“You’reintherunning.”Hesaidnodding,“Wellitalreadybeatsmylasttwoholidays.”He
saidthoughtfully,thenhesmiledupatmeasIsmiledbackandkissedhimlightly,
satisfyinghimbeforeheloweredhisheadagainandrestedagainstmyshoulder,soIleant
myheadonhisandletmyselfrelaxaswell.

IcheckedonOwenbeforeIlefttheroom,ifhewasn’tasdeeplyasleepI’daskhimif

hewantedtocomebuthewaswellgone,soinstead,Ikissedhisforeheadlightlyand
jumpedofftheleader,thanbegantothekitchen.

“Oh.”IsaidwhenIinterruptedDarrylashegotaspoon,

“Comein,”hesaidamusedthengotaforkoutaswell.“Alright?”HequeriedsoI

nodded,

“Yeah,couldn’tsleep,OwenwasfastasleepsoIdecidedtoleavehim.”Isaidthen

smiledlightlysohenoddedandtookthelidofftheVictoriasponge.

“Howareyoudoing?”HeaskedsoInoddedtohimwhilsttakingaforkfulofthecake.

“Alright,it’sbeengood.”IsaidthenIsmiledlightlywhilsttakingabite.“Willbe

sorrywhenit’sfinished,”IaddedsoDarryllaughed,

“Nah,it’llgetbetterwhenit’sfinishedbecauseyou’regobackhomeandbelike,I

knowIcanlivewithOwen,IknowthisandIknowthatandit’llbebetter.”HesaidsoI
smiledashetookaspoonfulofcakethenhenudgedme,“Wanttobehonestwithme?”He
queriedsoIfrownedathimlightly,“HaveyouandOwenactuallyhadsex?”HesaidsoI
deepenedmyfrown,

“Youkeepsayingthat,”

“Iknow,IknowbutI’mjustmessingwithyou.Haveyou?”

“Yeah.”Isaidsohesmirkedatme,

“Unfair,”hedeclaredmakingmelaugh,“Youmanagedtoloseyourvirginitybefore

me.”HeaddedsoIfrowned,

“You’rea,”Ibeganandheshookhishead,

“No,”hesaidlaughing,“Imean,Ididn’tloseituntilIwasnineteen.”Hesaid,“SoI

declareitunfair.”Hesaidthentookanotherspoonfulofcake.

“NotmyfaultIhaveasmokinghotboyfriend.”

“Nathaniel,neverdidIneedtohearthemwordsleaveyourmouth.”Hesaidmaking

mealmostchokeonthecakeIwaseating.

“IthoughtIalwayshadtotellthetruth,”IsaidandhefeeblypunchedmesoIsmiled

athim.
“Heseemedtoenjoytoday.”HesaidnoddingsoIagreed.
“Hedid,althoughsomehow,wemanagedtotirehimout.”Isaidthenlaughedatmyself,it
soundedasifIwastalkingaboutachild,notmyboyfriendwhowasayearandtwoweeks
olderthanme.“Yougavemecondomsformybirthday,”Isaidandhenodded.
“Wellyeah.Butagain,Iwasplayingwithyou.”HesaidsoIsmiledwhilsttakinganother
forkfulofcake.“Whatwereyoudoingthismorning?”heaskedsoIfrowned,“WhenDad
camebackfromwakingupyouhewasaswhiteasasheet.”HesaidsoIbeganlaughing.
“Wewereonlymakingout,”Isaidslowly,“Nothingtoobad.”Iaddedsohenodded
slowly,
“Betyoucan’twaittomoveout.”HesaidsoIagreedwithhim,
“Itwillbeverywelcome.”Isaidslowly,
“Ifyouwanttomovehere,letmeknow.”HesaidsoInoddedagain,“I’llsortoutalovely
littlegreenhouseforyouandOwen.”HesaidsoIsmiled,
“Howdidyouknow?”
“He’snottoogoodatwhispering.”Herepliedmakingmelaughthenplacemyforkonthe
plate.
“DoyoulikeOwen?”Iaskedsohelookedatmethoughtfully,
“IknowIcan’tholddownagirlfriend,buthe’sabityoungforme.”HesaidsoIhithim
whichmadehimlaugh.
“No.Notlikethat,likeanolder,overprotectivebrother.”Isaidandhelaughedroughly.
“Ilikehim.”Hesaidnodding,“He’sgoodforyou.”Headdedthoughtfully,“Hemakes

youdothings,you’dlookatmelikeaspecofdirtformakingyoudo.”HesaidandI
laughed.“YouknowNate,theonlythingthatmatterstomeisthatyou’rehappywith
him.”HesaidsoIraisedmyeyestolookdirectlyathim,“Canhedrive?”headdedsoI
laughedthenInodded,
“Hecan.”Isaidslowly,
“Wouldhebeabletodrivemyfourbyfour?”HequeriedsoIlaughed,
“Probably.”Isaidnodding,“ButI’mnotgoingtolethim.”IaddedsoDarrylraisedan
eyebrow,“You’renotmakingmyeighteenyearoldboyfrienddrivearoundnarrowcliffs.”
IsaidandDarrylsmirkedatmebutnodded.
“Fine.Fine.”Hesaidthentookanotherforkfulofcake.“Imightlikeyourboyfriendmore
thanyou.”HemutteredsoIscowledhimgettingan‘oh’,“Iflookscouldkilldear
Nathaniel.”

DAYTEN

OurroomwasquietwhenIwokeup,anditwasn’tquietlikeitwasnormallyquiet.It

wasreallyquiet.Icouldn’thearOwenatall,soIgotupslowly,Ireallydidn’tfeellike
rushing,thenIleantagainsttheendofthebedseeingtheexceptionallyflatcoverlaying
onthebed.Itwasodd,butitwasn’tworrying,itwasn’tasifhecouldactuallygotoofar.I
changedquickly,puttingononeofmybiggerwoollenjumpersandmynotastightjeans,
thenmademywaytothekitchenseeingthemajorityofmyfamilysataround.
“Wherewouldmyboyfriendbe?”Iqueriedwhilstsittingbehindanemptyplate.
“Yourboyfriendwokeupaboutthreehoursago.”DadsaidsoIfrownedasgrandma
placedapieceoftoastontomyplate.“Hesaidyouwerewellgonesodidn’twanttowake
youup.”
“Okay.”Isaidslowlythenspreadanevenlayerovermytoast.“Butwhereishe?”
“Well,Darrylsaidhewasgoingtowalktheroutehe’sdrivingtomorrow.”Dadsaid
casually,soIfrownedathim,“HeaskedOwenifhe’dliketogowithhim,hesaidhe
wouldandofftheywent.”HesaidnoddingasIatethecornerofmytoast.
“So,whatamIsupposedtodo?”Iqueried.

“Youcouldhelpmewashthecar.”GrandadsaidsoIlookedathimandcockedmy

eyebrow.
“Whydoesn’theneedtosayanythingtomakeyoufeellikeanidiot?”Grandadsaidandit
mademeinstantlylaugh,
“Sorry.”Isaidlightlysohesmiledatme,
“Youcouldhelpmemakesupper,”GrandmasaidsoIlookedatherthoughtfully,“Wecan
prepitthismorningandbythetimetheboyscomeback,it’llbecookingaway.”Shesaid
soInoddedtoherslowly,
“Okay.”Isaidnodding.“Icandothat.”Isaidandshesmirked,halfatGrandadwho
turnedhisattentiontoDad.
“You’rehelpingmewashthecar.”HeaddedsoDadexhaledthenpointedatme,
“Thisisyourfault.”HesaidthenstoodandfollowedGrandadouttheroom.
“Rightyou.Let’sgo.”
“Isn’titabitearlytopreptea?”IaskedandmanagedtoamuseGrandmaasshetookmy
plateandreplaceditwithachoppingboard.
“Nathaniel,itisalmostmidday.”SherepliedsoIlookedtowardsthechoppingboard,
“Youhadyourselfquitethesleepin.”sheaddedthenplacedsomecarrotsontotheboard,
“Peelandchop.”SheorderedsoIbeganto.

“HaveweworkedoutOwen’sfavouritecakeyet?”Grandmaqueriedonceshe’dtaken

aseatnearmeandbeganpeelingandchoppingpotatoes.
“No.”Isaidslowly,“He’snotreallyasweetperson.”Iaddedthenlookedatherasshe
hummed,

“Right.”Shesaidthoughtfullythendroppedmorepotatoesintothepanthatwasplacedin
frontofher.“I’llgetontoit.”shesaidsoIlaughedlightly,“Tonight.”Shesaidthenlooked
atmewitharaisedeyebrow,“Fordessert,I’mgoingtomakesomeindividuallavacakes.”
ShesaidsoIhummedather.
“Thatsoundsgood.”Isaidthoughtfullygettingacheerfulsmileback.
“Iwillnotmakeyouhelpwiththathowever,”sheaddedasshepushedthepantowards
mesoI’dputthecarrotsin.“Youcangoandamuseyourselfthen.”ShesaidnoddingsoI
smiledatherlightly.

Idecidedasitwasreasonablyunlikelythatmybrotherwouldreturnmyboyfriendin

thenextfewhours,toamusemyselfwithanactivity,Iusuallydon’tdowhenOwen’s
around.MostlybecausehecanbeloudandIhavetobequiet.Iwentandsearchedthrough
myholdalluntilIfoundmybigblackring-bindedbook,whichwasconvenientlyplaced
nexttomyverydarkgreymateriallikebox,whichwasfulltoburstingatthismoment.I
tookthemintothelivingroom,asitwascurrentlytheonlyemptyroominthehouse,took
aseatonthecouch,crossedmylegsandopenedmybigblackbookontothenextclear
page.IwasaloneforabouttenminutesbeforemyMumcamein,takingaseatand
watchingmecuriously.Shedidn’tputtheTVon,she,justinsteadwatchingmeuntilshe
decidedtogethercross-stitchingmasterpieceout.
“I’mamazedyoubroughtsomethingtoentertainyouthatisn’tOwen,”Shecommentedso
Ilaughedwhilstdarkeningsomeofmypencillines.

“There’sonlysomuchentertainmentIcangetfromhim.”Irepliedquietlythenraised

myeyelineslightlyseeinghersmileasshethreadedherneedle.
“IthinkI’mjustmoresurprisedofthefactthatyoupackedwiththethoughtthatyou
mightbeawayfromhim.”ShesaidsoIhummed,
“We’renotgluedatthehip.”Isaidandshenodded.
“OhIdoknowthatNathaniel.”SherepliedsoIsmiledtimidly.
“Itgetstoapoint.”Isaidandsawhercuriousfrown,“Ithink,itgetstoapointwhen
we’vebeentogethertoomuchthatwebegintolosethingstotalkaboutandIdon’twant
ustogetboredwitheachother.”Iaddedwhilsttiltingmyheadandbeginningtorubout
thefainterpencillines.
“Soyouthinkdoingdifferentthingswillgiveyoumoretotalkabout?”sheaskedsoI
nodded.
“Well,yes.”Isaid,“Isn’tthatjustcommonknowledge?”Iqueriedsoshehummed,I
supposeagreeingwithme.
“Isupposeitis,yes.”ShesaidnoddingsoIlookedatheragain.“Ihaven’tworkedout
whyyoutwoworksowellyet.”ShesaidsoIlaughedlightly,“Lookingatthetwoofyou,
youcansortofcometoyourownconclusions,butknowingthetwoofyou.”
“Iguessit’sjustthatoppositesattract.”Isaidthenshrugged,“Maybeit’sbecausewecan
compromisewitheachother.”Iaddedthoughtfullywhilstchangingmypenciltoa
colouringpencil.
“Itisfascinating.”ShesaidsoIraisedmyeyelineandlookedather,thensmiledather.
“Now.I’vegotsomethingelseIwanttotalktoyouabout.Butasoflatelyit’sbeenabit
difficulttogetyouonyourown.”ShesaidsoInoddedtoherslowly,whilstmulling

aroundinmyheadaboutthethingsIcould’vepossiblydonewrong.“Now,thishas
nothingtodowithOwen,”shesaidsoInodded,“Thisconversationwillstaybetweenyou
andme.Understand.”SheaddedsoInoddedagainwhilstbeginningtoshadewithmy
pencil.
“Whatisit?”Iaskedquietlywhilsttryingmybesttoavoidlookingather.
“It’scometomyattention,”shesaidsoraisedmyheadandlookedatherbriefly,“That
you’vestoppedeatingagain.”Shesaidandmypencilstoppedinstantly.
“ButIdoeat.”Isaid,andIcouldhearmyselfthedefenceinmyvoice,
“Youeataboutafifthofyourplate.”ShesaidsoIdowncastedmyeyesagain,“Iknow
thatyouthoughtyoucouldgetawaywithitbecauseOwen’shereandOwenfinishesoff
yourplates.Doeshealways?”sheaskedsoInoddedonce,becausemyheadfeltheavy.
“Howlong?”sheaskedsoIbitmylip.
“Idon’tknow.”Isaidsoftly.“Ithasn’tbeenforthewholetimewe’vebeentogether,I
knowthat.”
“Yes.Iknowthatto.Therewasatimewhenyouateeverythingwegaveyou.”
“Igotbetter.Ididit.”IsaidandnowIjustsoundedasifIwaswhining.
“Yesyoudidandnowyouseemtobegoingbackwards.”ShesaidsoIlookedather,“I’m
happytosaythatIknowitisn’tOwenthat’smakingyoudoit.”ShesaidsoIfrowned,“I
amsobeyondrelievedthatOwendoesn’tmakeyoufeelsoinsecurethatyou’redoingit.”
ShesaidsoInoddedbecausethatwasvery,verytrue.“ButIcannotfandomwhyyouare
doingit?”
“Ibegantogainweight.”Isaidandsawashereyesnarrowed.“Onlyrecently.Iwas
happywhereIwas,thenIgainedaboutthreestoneinaweek.”Isaidandshesighed,
soundingexasperated.
“Nathaniel.”ShewarnedsoIlookeddown.“Grandmasaidthatyouwereeatingher
cakes.”ShesaidsoInodded,
“WhenDarryldoesn’tbeatmethere.”Iaddedsoshehummed.
“Areyoureallyeatingthem?”sheaskedsoIlookedather,lookedstraightather,“Well?”
sheaskedsoIshookmyhead.“Nathaniel,”Shesaidandthistimeshejustsoundedsad.
“Hasn’tOwenclockedon?”sheaskedsoIshrugged.
“Idon’tknow.Hemightofandnotsaidanything.Hedoesthatalot.”Isaidnodding.
“I’mgoingtobekeepingavery,verycloseeyeonyou.”
“Youcan’tforcemetoeat.”Isaidsoshenodded.
“ButIcangiveyousmallerportionssoyoueatmore.”SherepliedsoIsighed.“INEVER
wanttositoppositeyourDoctoragainandbemadetofeellikeabadmotherbecausemy
sondoesn’teat.”
“Itwasn’tyourfault,DoctorGrayhamsaidthat.”Isaidsoshelookedatme,
“Butitismyfault.”
“No.Hesaidthathesawalotofyoungadolescentboyswhowerebeingbulliedandwere
questiontheirsexuality.Alotofthemwerehurtingthemselvesonewayoranother.
Whetheritwasphysicalorinternal,or,”IwenttocontinuebutinsteadIstoppedand
lookeddown,
“Nathaniel.SomethingelseDoctorGrayhamsaidwasthatwecanonlybegintofixthisif
youarewilling.”ShesaidsoInoddedslowly.

“IfI’mnotwilling?”
“Wegotoseehimtheminutewegethome.”SherepliedsoInoddedwhilstbitingmylip,
tryingtoconsiderthedecision.
“I’mnotdoingitcompletelyonpurpose.”Isaid,asifthat’dmakethingsbetter.
“Completely.”SherepliedsoIpouted.
“It’snotaseasyasjustswitchingaswitch.”
“OhIknowNathaniel.”SherepliedsoIsighedthenthrewmyselfbackwardsontothe
couchandfiddledwiththeringsonmynotepad.UntilIheardthedooropenandtwovery
loudmalevoices.“Don’tthinkthisconversationisover.”ShewarnedsoItiltedmyhead
atherasanacknowledgementasthedooropenedandOwencamein,hishairwindswept,
hischeeksbrightred.
“Foundyou.”HesaidsoIsmiledathimashecameandsatbesideme,makingmeshiver
instantly
“Isitcoldoutside?”Iqueried,helaughed.
“It’scrisp.”Hesaidnodding,asMumlaughed,thenstoodandlefttheroom,probably
goingtocheckontea.Bothofourheadsfollowedherouttheroomthenhissnappedback
aroundandhesmiledatme.“NowIcankissyou.”Hesaidmakingmelaughthenmove
towardshimandkissedhimlightly.
“Warmupyournose.”Isaidnoddingsohelaughed.
“Itwasgreat.Wehadlikefourrandomdownpours.”Hesaidnodding,
“You’reweird.”Iwhisperedsohelaughedthenkissedmycheek,
“I’mgoingtogoandgetashower.Warmmynoseup.”HesaidnoddingsoIputathumbs
uptohim.
“Goodidea.”Ireplied,helaughedthennoddedandstood,leavingtheroomagainand
allowingmetoactuallyfinishcolouringmypicturein.

“Itwasgreatfun.”Darrylsaidashespoonedmorepotatoesontohisplate.“Likewe

walkedtheentireroute.”
“Hecannamesomanysheepitisunreal.”OwenaddedmakingmelaughasIpassedby
thepotatobowl.
“Heisn’tafraidtodoanything,likeatall.”DarryladdedpointingatOwen,“Canwekeep
him?”heaskedsoIlaughedthenhummedathim,
“Isupposewecouldkeephim.”
“Why,thankyou.”OwensaidnoddingtomesoIsmiledback,
“Doyouthinkyou’veseentheShetlandsnow?”Iqueriedsohenoddedtome,
“Ohyeah,wewentupthecliffthatwekeptgoingup,butthenwejustwentfurtherandit
wasmostlygrassland,sowewalkedupandoverthehillinsteadofdownthepath.Itwas
amazing.”Owensaid,thensighedhappilywhichmademelaugh.
“Youcantakehimoutmoreoftenifyoumakehimthishappy.”Isaidpointingmyforkat
Darrylwhosmirkedbackatme.
“Iwill.I’lltirehimoutforyou”hesaidmakingmelaughasOwenfrownedatme,
“Iam,hereright?Youcanseemeright?”HesaidwhilstlookingmoretowardsMum,
“Right?”headdedsoMumlaughed.

“Right.”Shesaidnodding,“YouareactuallyhereOwen.”Shesaidsohelaughedwhilst
placinghisknifeandforkontheplate,Ithenwatchedashiseyesdriftedtomyplate,sort
ofdidacompletescanthenlookedbackupatmesoIfrownedathimgettingalittlefrown
back.
“Ireckon.”Hesaidwhilstlightinghisfrown,soInoddedtohim,“IcouldtakeDarryl’s
entirebusinessfromhim.”HesaidandIbeganlaughingasGrandmatookallourplates.
“Idon’tevenownmyownbusiness.”Darrylstatedloudly,“Don’ttakemybusiness.”He
addedsoIgrinnedathimasOwensmirkedatme.
“Hewouldn’tletmedrivehisfourbyfourthough.”HeaddedsoInodded.
“Good!”IstatedandOwenlaughed,
“Ah,itwasyourfault.”HesaidaccusinglyasGrandmareturned,passingourlittlelava
cakesout.
“Itwashowweendedupwalking.”Owensaidnodding,“Hewouldn’tletmedriveandI
wouldn’tlethimdrive.”HesaidsmirkingatmesoIlaughedthenstuckmyspoonintothe
cakemakingtheliquefiedchocolatemeltout.

DAYELEVEN

“OkaysoImustphotographeverything.”Owendeclaredaswewalkedaroundthe

loch,itwastoocoldtoconsideringgoinginit,andtheweatherwasrangingfromfeather
lightraintothunderstormsandArmageddontyperain.

“Everything?”Irepeatedandhenoddedwhilstalsowatchingasraindropsfeeloffthe

peakofhiscap.“We’renotgoingupthecliffinthisweather,”Isaid,“You’llmostlikely
falltoyourdeath.”Isaidandhegrabbedme.

“True,”hesaidmakingmelaughthenhisphoneappearedinfrontofmeandhetooka

picture,wewerebothdrenched,heluckilyactuallyhadacap,Ihadahoodthatwasfeeble
againstthewind,soI’djustgivenupandnowmyhairwassoaked.

“Ohthat’saterriblepicture,”Ideclaredastheblanketofrainstoppedfallingand

becamespitsagain.

“Noit’snot.”hesaidlaughing,

“Itisthough,Imeangod,lookterrible.”Isaidandheshookhisheadandpressed

home,

“LivewithitNathaniel.”hesaidsoIscowledhimaswecontinuedourwalk,untilwe

reachedabigmuddyditchwhichIstoppedatandittookOwenatleastthreemorestepsto
realiseI’dstopped,“Comeon.”

“No,”Isaidshakingmyheadandpointingsohefolloweditthennodded,

“I’llmakeyougototheotherside,”hesaidsoIfrownedathim,Iwasabouttosay

thisbigspeechhowhecan’tforcemetodoanythingIdon’twanttobutinsteadhecame
andhestoodinfrontofme,“Piggyback?”Hesuggestedmakingmelaugh.

“Sure?”Iaskedandhenodded,“Iwon’tbetooheavy?”

“Thaniel,Iliftweightsheavierthanyoueveryweek.”hesaidsoIheldhisshoulders,

“Ready?”IaskedandhenoddedsoIjumpedonhisback,andhecaughtmebuttooka

whiletoholdmeproperly,probablydidn’thelpIwasatleasttwoheadstallerthanhim.
“Sureit’sokay?”Iaskedwhilstholdinghisshoulderssohenodded,

“It’sperfect.”herepliedthenbegantocrossthemuddypatchandletmedown,we’d

goneintojustafield,aflatfield,thereweresheepshelteringunderthetreesdowntheend
ofitbutbesidesfromthemitwasempty.“Areyoucold?”HeaskedsoIlookedathim,I
wasstandingwithmyshouldershunchedbecausetherainwasgoingdownmybackand
myhoodhadbeenrendereduseless,

“IfIsayyes.”Isaidandhenodded“DoIgetahug?”Iqueriedandhelaughed.

“Evenifyousayno,yougetahug.”hesaidsoIgrinnedandputmyarmsoutwhich

hecametooandhuggedmewhichthensomehow,somewaybecameawrestlingmatch,I

managedtopinhimtothegroundandcrouchabovehimgrinningathim,

“It’swhyI’mtopdear,”Isaidandhelaughedandknockedmebackwards,landingme

insomefreshlymoistmudwhichinstantlymadehimgasp,standandputhishandoutto
meandIconsideredtakingit,wellIdidtakeit,Ijustpulledhimdownwithme.

“You’retakingthisexceptionallywell.”hesaidashepushedhimselfupthenactually

helpedmeupsoIshrugged,

“OnceinawhileI’llletitoff.”Isaidquietlyandseeinghisgrinasanothertorrential

rainfallbeganmakingmesqueakandhimlaughbecausetherewasnowayI’mthe
slightestwecouldfindshelter,

“STANDTHERE!”Owencalledovertherainandtookafewstepsback,“Iwant

evidenceofthis.”headdedsoIputmyarmsoutandhetookapicture.

“OWEN!”Icalledbackthroughsohenoddedandcametome,“NowI’mcold.”Isaid

andhelaughed.

“Comeon,we’llcomeoutwhenitisn’ttherainstormofthecentury.”hesaidthentook

myhandsoneitherofuswouldslip.Thattheoryisnotprovenandwebothslipped
numeroustimes,notterriblybadslips,wealwaysremainedonourfeetbuthedidhaveto
stressthathimpiggybackingmewouldmakeitmorelikelyI’dbecakedinmudsoIhad
tojustbeamanandwalkthroughthesloppymud,fortunatelyIwaswearingwalking
boots,Darryl’swalkingbootssogettingthroughwasn’tasdistressingasit’dnormallyhad
been.Wethenran,carefullybacktothehouse,knockedurgentlyonthedoorandwhenit
openedtherestoodmygrandma,shakingherheadatthetwoofusandtellinguswe
couldn’tcomeinuntilwewereshoeless,shethentookourcoatsandhandedusbotha
towel.

“Gogetyourselfwarm.”Shesaidamusedaswebothsteppedintothehouse,thesheer

heatfromtheinsideofthehousemadeusfeeltoowarmanddampsowebothrandownto
ourbedroom,strippeddown,puttingourwetclothesintoaplasticbagthenIsatwiththe
towelwrappedaroundmeasOwenwentthroughhisclothes.

“Howdidthatpictureturnout?”IqueriedseeingOwenconfusedexpressionreflected

inthemirror,“Theoneinamillionshot.”Isaidandhenodded,pickeduphisphoneand
threwittome“Havealook,”hesaid,turnedbacktohisclothesthenbacktome,“And
NOdeletingpictures.”headdedsoIcrossedmyheartandwentintohisalbum.

“Ohgosh.”Isaidandheshookhisheadcomingtomeandtakinghisphone,

“Ithinkthatonewillbemynewbackscreen.”hesaidsoIlookedathimasheslidhis

phoneontothetopbunkthenlookeddownatmeasIranmyeyesdownhim,hewasalso
justinhisboxers,he’djusthunghistowelofftheladder,“BecauseIlikeit.”headdedsoI
lookeddown,“Now,I’mgoingtoshower.”hesaidsoInodded“Caretojoinme?”He
queriedsoIlookedupashegrinned“Well?”HeaskedsoIstoodandwenttohim,seeing
himsmilethengainingakiss.

Grandmamadeushotchocolateforwhenwefinallyappearedintheloungedressedin

ourbighoodiesandjoggingbottoms,welltechnicallyhewasinatracksuit,Iwasinmy
hoodieandapairofjoggingbottoms.Wesatclose,tosharebodyheatandwerealso
offeredablanketforgoodmeasure.

“Whereiseveryone?”Iqueriedconsideringgrandmawastheonlyotheroccupantof

thisroom,

“Darryl’sonatour.”shesaidsoIlookedoutthewindow,

“Really?”Iaskedandshenoddedthenshrugged,

“Acruiseshipisin,hehastoworklove.”ShesaidsoInodded,“Yourparentshave

gonetoLerwick,withyourgrandpa,they’restockingup.”shesaidthensmiledinavery
grandmaway.“Darryliscallingeveryhourjusttoremindushe’sstillalive.”shesaid
makingmesmileslightly“Now,Ihavetoask”shesaidsowebothnodded“Owendear,
whatisyourfavouritecake?”SheaskedandmadeOwenlaughthenactuallythinkhard
aboutit,

“I,”hebeganthenshrugged,“Idon’thaveaclue.”hesaidmakingmesmileslightlyas

grandmahummed,unsatisfiedwiththeanswershegot.Myparentsandgrandpareturned
home,drenchedaboutahalfhourafterwe’dgotteninsomadeOwen,grandmaandIcarry
theshoppinginwhilsttheyallwentanddriedoff,itofcoursewasfollowedbyanother
roundifhotchocolate,

“Haveyouheardfromtheeldest?”Mumqueriedastheroomgotsignificantlywarmer,

Ithinkitwasallthewarmdrinks.

“Notsincetheyoungestgotin,”Grandmareplied,“Nottoworry,phonesignalis

horrendousupthere.”ShesaidandMumnoddedasIlookedatOwenwholookedbackat
mewithaslightlypuzzledexpression.

“Goingtobedlove?”MumsaidsoIshookmyheadslowlythenlookingatherfrom

thewindow,

“No,I,”Isaidthenshookmyheadagain,“No,justincasehecomesin,couldlosthis

keyssomeoneneedstoanswerthedoor.”IsaidandmyMumstrokedmyfringebackthen
restedherhandonthebackofmyhead,

“It’sokay,phoneserviceshorrendous,hecould’vegonetohisfriends,he’llbefine.”

shesaidsoIshookmyhead,

“Istillwanttowait,”Isaidsoshenoddedandkissedmyforehead,saidgoodnightto

OwenthenmadeherwayupstairsfollowedbyDadafterhe’dsaidgoodnight.

“Youknowwheretheblanketsarelove?”GrandmasaidsoInodded,

“Yeah,andIknowwherethekettleis.”Iaddedandshesmiled,

“Goodnightboys,thestormwill’veclearedinthemorning.”shesaidlookingoutthe

windowsoIfollowedhergazethenacceptedherhugasdidOwen,thenshewentupwith

grandpa,

“Whatdoyouthinksgoingon?”OwenaskedsoIshookmyhead,

“Nothing.”Isaidmaybeabittooforciblyandhenodded,lookingdown.Wemadea

coffeeeach,gotoneofgrandma’startanblanketsandsatunderneathitonthecouch,both
sippingoutcoffeesinsilence,theonlysoundwecouldhearwasthethunderousrain
slammingagainstthewindows.

“CanIaskyouaquestion?”OwensaidsoIlookedathimovermycup,thennodded

frowning“Thismightn’tbethebesttime,butIguessnoworneveray.”hesaidsoItilted
myheadathim,“Whyareyouscaredofmud?”HeaskedsoIloweredmycup.

“I’mnotscaredofmud,”IrepliedandIsawhimgoingtoreply,“It’snotfear.”

“Whatisit?”Heaskedquietly,

“School.”Isaidandhefrowned,Idosometimesforgetwewerenotinthesame

school.“I’mnotlikecamp,intheslightestamI?”

“No,surprisinglynotcamp.”hesaidsoIlaughedslightlymakinghimsmile,

“Butit’sclearI’mgay,it’squiteclear?”Isaidsohenodded,“Anditalwayshasbeen,

evenbeforeIknew,whenIstartedsecondaryeveryonegotthatbitolder.”IsaidsoOwen
nodded,“Halfwaythroughtheyear,Iwascorneredintotheartdepartment,coveredin
glueandglitterandcalledafairy.”Isaidandsawaseitherangerorconcernfilledhiseyes
“Afterthattheybecamemymainbulliesandthey,theystartedtothrowmeinthemud,
everyday,everydayI’dgohomecakedinmud,Ilongedtogohomeclean,justonce.”I
saidandheunderstood,withjustthatsentence,“WhenIleftschoolImadesureIwas
alwaysclean,ImadesureIdidn’tgothroughmudorgetcoveredinanythingbecauseit
wastoolike,that.”Isaidandhenodded,

“Whydidn’tyoutellmethatfouryearsago?”HeaskedsoIshrugged,“Thaniel,I

wouldneverhavejokedaboutitifyou’dtoldme.”hesaidsoIsighed,

“Itdoesn’tmatter,Imean,youknownowsurebutitdoesn’tchangethatIwon’twalk

throughmud.”Isaidandhenoddedslightly,

“Nathaniel?”HeaskedsoIlookedathim“Areyouokay?”

“Rightthissecond?”Iqueriedsohenodded“No.”Isaidsoheplacedhiscupdown

andmoveddownthecouchsohecouldsitnexttome,wrappingusbothupintheblanket
andholdingmeinhisarms.

DAYTWELVE

Iwaswokeuptoloudbanging,veryloudbanging,Iwasn’tfullyawarethatI’dfell

asleepbutIwokeupwithOwencurledintomyside,ussharingthetartanblanketanda
tippedovercuponthefloor.ButIstillgotupandhalfasleepansweredthedoor,being
blindedbytheluminousyellowjacketsontheotherside.

“Grandma.”IcalledupthestairswhichIknewwouldn’thelp,shewasthreeflightsup.

Asifshewasgoingtohearme,butsomeonedidbecausesomeonecamedownthestairs
inapinkdressinggownandtookovermyplaceatthedoorwhilstIfeltarmscomearound
mychestandIidentifiedthemasOweninstantly.

“IsthistheRhodesresistance?”TheluminousyellowjacketaskedandMumnodded

whilstOwenslowly,veryslowlytriedtomovemeback,althoughIwasstationed,Iwasn’t
moving.“HomeofaMisterDarrylRhodes?”LuminousjacketaskedandMumnodded
again,“Canwecomein,there’sbeenanincident.”luminousjacketsaidandMumstepped
asidewhilstcallingupthestairsforDadwhocamedowninabluedressinggownand
followedMumintothelivingroomwhichItriedtodotobutOwenwouldn’tletme,until
Dadtoldhimtoandhereleasedme,lettingmefollowmyparentsintotheroomwithhim
closebehind,Ididn’tlistentotheluminousjackets,Icouldn’t,Icouldseetheirmouths
movingbutIcouldn’thearwhattheyweresaying,itwasjustincoherentMumblesuntil,

“WefoundMisterRhodes’carupturnedofftheroad,”andIlookedup“Wesenttheair

teamtoitandfoundfivepassengersinthecar,adriverandfourothers,family?”They
askedandthefourofusshookourhead.

“No,theymust’vebeenwhohewasgivingthetourtoo,”Mumsaidsounding

amazinglycalm,howIdon’tknow,myinsideswherefightingwitheachotherbecausethe
wireinmybrainhadfiguredoutwhat’dhappenedandmyinsidesdidn’tlikethatmy
outsidewasbeingquietaboutit.

“Unfortunately.”Luminousjacketsaidandthatwastheendofhersentence,thatwas

thelastthingIheardbutIsawMumturnintoDadandbegincrying,IfeltOwensqueeze
myshoulderandIsawthatstupidsympatheticlookfromtheotherluminousjacket.

“Webelievehelostcontrolonthecorner,thestormsweresoviolentyesterdaythe

roadswould’vebeenslipperyandwethinkheturnedtoolateandwentovertheedge.In
normalconditionshe’dhavebeenabletoregaincontrolbut,”hesaidandIlookedat
Owenwholookedhorrified,horrifiedandsad,henoticedmelookingathimsohelooked
backatme.

“Thaniel,areyouokay?”HesaidsoIshookmyhead,

“Iwanttoleave.”Isaidandwasexcused,soIleftandwentdowntomybedroomwith

Owenfollowingbehind,hethenstoodatthedoorandwatchedmeasItookaseatonthe
floornexttothebed,scrunchedmykneestomychest,buriedmyheadintothemand

screamed,onceI’dquietenedandIbegancrying,IfeltOwen’sarmsaroundmeandhis
headonmine,soIunfoldedmyselfslightlyandburiedmyselfinhimlettinghimhugme
asIdid.

“Hey.”Owenwhisperedafterwe’dbothbeenquietforawhile.“Thaniel.”Headded,

soIraisedmyheadandlookedathim.Seeinghisfacedrop,thenfeelingashetookhis
handsfrommybackandranhisthumbsdownmycheeks.
“I’msorry.”Iwhisperedandhefrownedwhilstopeninghishandsandholdingmycheeks.
“Whatonearthareyousorryabout?”heaskedsoIshookmyhead.
“I,Idon’tknow.ButI’msorry.Really.”Isaidnodding.
“No,noyouhavenothingtobesorryabout.Atall.”Hesaidthenheleanthisforeheadon
mine.“YouletitoutasmuchasyouneedtoNathaniel.”HesaidsoIclosedmyeyes,
becauseIhadto.“Youcandoitinfrontofmeoryoucandoitwithoutme.Eitherway,as
longasyou’relettingitout.”Hesaid,thenstrokedhisthumbsovermycheeks.
“Areyousad?”Iwhisperedwhilstopeningmyeyesseeingasheburrowedhiseyebrows.
“I’mdevastated.”Herepliednodding.
“Sowhyaren’tyoulettingitout?”Iaskedsohesighed,
“Iwill.”Hesaidnodding,“Iwillletitout.ButIexpressmyemotionsinadifferentwayto
you.Youknowthat.”HesaidsoInoddedthenItookaverybigdeepbreathin.
“Youdon’tcrylikeababy.”Icoughedoutsohesighed,
“Atthispoint.Youareallowedtocryasmuchasyouneedto.”HesaidsoIshookmy
head,
“Stopsayingwhatyouknowyoushould.”Isaidsohefrowned,“Talktomelikeyoudo.
Don’ttalktomeasifyou’reapaidto.”Isaidthenswallowedroughly,mythroatwasdry
andmyvoicefeltraw.
“Okay.”Hesaidquietlythenleanthisforeheadagainstmine,“No.Idon’tcrylikeababy.”
HesaidsoIlookedathimwhilstbitingmylipthenIburiedmyheadintohisneck,feeling
ashehuggedme.
“Iwouldlaugh.”Iwhisperedashebegantorubmyback,“Butrightnow,Idon’tthinkI
can.”

Dadmanagedtolureusoutthebedroomonceit’djustpasthalfseven.Hestatedthat

wehadtoeatandifweweren’tgoingtoeatwehadtodrinksomeformofcaffeine,sowe
wentandwesatinlivingroom,usallsippingcupsofcoffeeinsilence.
“Wouldyoulikeasandwichlovely?”GrandmaaskedsoIshookmyheadather,
“No.Nothankyou.”Isaidsoftly,thecoffeewassmoothingmythroat.
“Owen?”Sheaskedsohenodded.
“Thankyou.”HesaidassoftlyasIlookedupandconnectedmygazewithMum’swho
wasrunningherforefingeraroundhermug,thensheshookherhead.Grandmabrought
OwenaBLTonherhomemadebread,shepassedittohimthennoddedtohimlightlyso
henoddedback,pickinguponeofthehalvesandrippingitinhalf.
“Eat.”HewhisperedsoIlookedathim,“Eat.”Herepeated,soItookthehalfofthe
sandwichandbegantonibbleonit.

“Ithinkwe’reallgoingtoneedtogetsomesleep.”Dadsaidwhilstrubbinghishandover
hisface.“Wewilldiscussnearlyeverythingtomorrow.”Headded,thennoddedtoMum,
whobegannoddingbacktohim.
“It’llactuallysinkintomorrow.”Shereplied,thenshelookedatme.“Ormoreso.”She
added,“We’regoingtothehospital,Nathaniel.”MumcontinuedsoInoddedtoherwhilst
frowning.
“When?”
“Inabouthalfanhour.”Dadsaidinasigh.
“We,ofcoursewouldratheryounotcomewithus.”MumsaidsoIlookedtowardsher,
“Butifyou’dliketo,wewouldn’tdenyyou.”ShecontinuedsoIlookedatOwenwhowas
pickingthetomatoesoffhisbreadandeatingthemindividually.
“No.”Isaidshakingmyhead.“Idon’twantto.”Isaidsoshenoddedthendirectedher
attentiontoDad.
“Idon’tknowwhatelsetosay.Honestly.”Hesaidshakinghishead.“Mum,”headdedso
Grandmalookedathim,“KeepaneyeonNathaniel.”HeaddedsoIlookedtowardshim,
“Wewillbebacksoon.”Hefinishedthenstoodhimself,leavingtheroomwithMum
followingcloselybehind.
“IthinkIwanttogotobed.”IsaidthenfrownedatOwen,wholookedbackatme
curiously.
“Goonson,”Grandadsaid,soIlookedathim,“We’llcheckinonyouinafewhours.”He
addedsoInoddedtohim,thenlookedatOwen,
“I’llcomethrough.Willjustfinishmycoffee.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,squeezinghis
hand,thengoingtoourbedroom.

Idon’tthinkIsleptlongatall.Iactually,thinkingaboutit,Idon’tthinkIslept.Ijust

shuffled,kickedoffthesheets,movedthepillows.Imadethemvertical,Imadethemlong
ways,Ithrewthemoff.Ithrewthequiltoffthenstoodandopenedthebigbrownboxthat
wasplacedineveryroom.IgotoneofGrandma’startanblankets,wrappedmyselfupin
it,cocoonedmyselfinitandlayonthebed.Thatwaswhenthedooropened,thelight
fromthehallwayfloodedinandmademeclosemyeyestoblockitout.
“Nathaniel.”IheardOwensaysoIopenedmyeyesslowly,
“Ican’tsleep.”Isaid.“Owenit’stoohotthenit’stoocold.Ican’tsleep.”
“Doyouthinkyou’dbeabletosleepifIsleptwithyou?”
“What’llyoudowhenit’stoohot?”

“I’lltakealltheblanket.”

“Andtoocold?”
“I’llgiveitback.”Hesaidnodding,soIsatup,makingsuretheblanketstayedwrapped
aroundme.
“WhatifIcan’thandleitandIbreakdownduringthenight?”
“Iwillcontinuehuggingyoucloseandmaybe,justmaybe.”Hesaidthenmovedtomy
heightsohecouldspeakdirectlytome.“We’llsharetheblanket.”HesaidsoInoddedto
him.“Haveyoubrushedyourteeth?”heaskedsoIshookmyhead.“GoodbecauseIneed
to.”Hesaidthenputhishandout.“Feelfreetobringtheblanket.”Headdedthenkissed

thebackofmyhandasIstoodandfollowedhimtowardsthebathroom.

DAYTHIRTEEN

“AyNathaniel.”IheardwhisperedsoIlookedupatOwenashecameintotheliving

room,“Okay?”HequeriedfirstsoIshruggedashecameandsatbesideme,kneelingnext
tomeonthecouch,puttinghisarmaroundmethenkissingthesideofmyhead,

“Whathaveyougot?”Iaskedsohereachedbehindhim,

“Wellasyouknowit’sourfouryearsanniversary.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,“AND

youalsoknowthatwehaveasortoftradition.”

“Ido.”Isaidquietlyashereachedbehindhimandrevealedourscrapbook.Back

whenweweremerefifteenyearoldsandIwastakingArtGCSE,Ihadaknackofmaking
artistmomentousthingssoforourfirstanniversaryIbroughtascrapbookandputevery
pictureofthetwoofusinitandonceIdidthat,Ibeganputtingbustickets,receiptsand
allkindsofotherstufflikethat,IthengaveittoOwen,theyearafterOwengaveitback,
fullofpicturesandmementoes,andit’scontinuedlikethat,obviouslythiswasOwen
deliveringitbacktomeafterlastyear,

“Shouldweactuallylookthroughit,”heaskedsoIlookedathim,“Likefromthe

beginning.”hesaidsoInoddedtohimashesatproperlythenopenedthebookmakingme
almostsmile,thefirstpictureinit;Iwasfourteen,hewasfifteenwewerebothinour
schooluniforms,well,sortof,Owenwasjustinhisshirt,tieandblackschoolpants,Ihad
myfulluniformon,myroyalblueblazer,greytanktop,shirt,tieandgreypants,itwasa
Fridayandwe’dmetinoneoftheparksbetweenourtwoschoolsandwentandgota
McDonaldsbutwe’dgonewithafewfriendsfrombothsidesandoneofmyfriendstooka
pictureofthetwoofus,whenweturnedoverthepagetherewasacinemastubforour
firstcinemadateandtherowoffourpictureswe’dtakenintheboothatthecinema,there
wasapictureofourfirstChristmastogether,wewenttoseeSantasothatpicturewasin
therealongsidethetickettothewinterwonderland,therewasbothourChristmascardsto
eachotheronthepagenexttoit,whenweturnedovertherewasapieceofOwen’s
wallpaperwithourinitialsonfromwhenwedecoratedhisbedroom,therewasalsolittle
dropletsofpaintonthepageaswewallpaperedtwoofhiswallsandpaintedthethird,
therewasaticketfromwhenhetookmetotheWestEndfortheweekendwhenIwas
sixteen,hewasseventeenandsprungthetriponmeontheAugustbankholiday,wewent
toseeWickedanditwasamazing,therewasalltherandomwebcampictureswe’dtaken,
randomselfies,allkinds,thenIturnedoverandhe’dprintedoutallthepictureswe’d
takensofarwhilstbeinghere,

“Thankyou.”Isaidquietlysohegrinnedatmeslightly,

“It’sokay.”hesaidnoddingthenflippedthepagesbackwardsuntilhewasonthe

pictureofourfirstNewYearstogether,hewasstoodwithhisarmsaroundmelookingup
atthefireworksandsowasI,webothjustlookedsoyoung.“Doyourememberbeing
them?”hesaidmakingmesmileslightly,

“Ido,Ienjoyedbeingthem,”Isaidnodding,“AlthoughIdidn’tenjoybeingtooafraid

tosomuchastouchyourhand.”Isaidsohelaughedsoftlyandleanthisheadonmine,

“NathanielIloveyou,”hesaidsoIlookedathim“Iknowyou’renotokay,likeI

knowthat.”hesaidnodding“ButImeanI’lltryandmakeyouokay.”hesaidsoIleant
myheadonhischest.

“Thankyou.”Isaidquietly,whilstflickingthroughafewoftheotherpages,stopping

occasionallytoremembersomething.UntilIheardthefrontdooropenandIturnedtothe
sound.

“Wherewereyourparents?”OwenaskedsoftlysoIturnedbacktohim,

“Thepolicegarage.”Isaidashelookedbackatme,“Toconfirmthecar.”Iaddedasthe
doortothelivingroomopenedtoDadwholookedatthetwoofusthensighedagainstthe
door.“Itwas?”Iaskedsohenodded,
“Thecariscompletelydestroyed.”Hesaidshakinghishead,“Theysaidthey’dgiveusa
courtesycarforawhile,butitdoesn’tmatter,wedon’tcareabouthavingacar.”
“Helovedthatcar.”IsaidandDadnodded.
“Helovedthatcar.”Herepeatedthensighed.“Weneedtohaveawordwiththetwoof
you.”HesaidsoIlookedatOwenwhofrownedlightly,“We’lljustgoandgetadrink.
Okay.”HesaidthenleftasIlookedatOwenwhobithisliplightly,whilstclosingoverthe
coverofthescrapbook.

IshuffledontheseatbesidesOwen,waitingforwhateverMumandDadhadtotellus,

“Alright”DadsaidsoMumsighedthennodded,

“Okay,”Mumsaid,“Boys,we’restayingafewdayslonger.”ShesaidsoInoddedto

herthenlookedatOwen,“NowOwenweunderstandthatmaybeyoudon’twanttohave
tostayforafewextradays.We’rethinkingit’sgoingtobeasmuchastendays,sowewill
willinglypayforyourflightbackhome,we’ll,”

“No.”Owensaidsowealllookedathim,“Sorry,Imean,nothankyou.Imean,

Nathanielneedsme.Ican’tleavethat’snotfair.”hesaidsoIlookeddown,“Ofcourseif
myparentsareokaywiththat.”headdedthoughtfully.

“Areyousureyouwanttodothat?”Iaskedsohenodded,

“Yeah,ofcourseNathaniel.”

“Butit’syourbirthday,youdon’twanttohaveyourbirthdayhere.”

“Nathaniel,I’dhavespentmybirthdaywithyouanyway,I’monlynineteen,it’snot

likeit’seighteenortwenty-one.”hesaidthenshookhishead,“IwouldNEVERforgive
myselfifIwenthome,you’remymainpriorityNathaniel.”hesaidsoIlookedatmy
parents,myMumwasgivingOwenthelookof,onedayyou’llbemyson-in-law.Dad
was,howeverlookingatmeandIdon’tknowwhatitwasaboutthelookbutitwas
somethinglikehisdemurebrokeandhefinallysawthatOwenwasn’tjusthereforthe,
wellforthesex.

“Thankyou.”Isaidquietly,

“Whenisyourbirthdaylove?”MumaskedsoOwenlookedather,“YesImeanyou.”

“Eighteenth.”hesaidnoddingandgotoneback,

“Okay.”shesaidsoOwenlookedatme,

“When’sthe?”IbeganthenswallowedandlookedatDad,

“Sixteenth.”DadsaidnoddingsoIlookedatOwen,

“Okay,”Isaid,“Okay.”Irepeated,thentookthescrapbookfromOwenashefished

outhisphone,showedmeitthennoddedtomesoInoddedbackashelefttheroom.

Heseemedtobedisappearedforages,soIwenttofindhim.Althoughthatwasn’ttoo

difficult.Hewasinourroom,walkingbackandforthandkickingawaysomeofthedebris
onthefloor.Heseemedtobelistening,noddingalonguntilhesighed,soundingfrustrated.
“No.Thisismychoice,”Hesaidthensatonmybed,“No.Iwanttostayformy
boyfriend,Idon’twanttoleavehim,it’snotfair.”Hesaidthenhelookedaroundthe
room.“WelltakeGrandmaonholidaythen,whatever.Idon’tcare.”Hesaidthenrubbed
hisforehead.“Iknow.Iknowallthis.We’llcelebratemybirthdaywhenIgetbackthen.It
doesn’tmatter,it’snotabigbirthday,it’snotimportant.What’sgoingonhereisimportant
andIneedtostay,whetheryoulikethatornot.”Hesaidthenranhishandthroughhis
hair.“We’lltalkinafewdays.ByeMum.”Hesaidthenhungup,rubbedhisforehead
harshlythenthrewhisphoneontomypillow.
“Youdon’thavetostayyouknow.”Isaidquietlywhilstopeningthedoor,soheraisedhis
head.
“Ido.”Hesaidnodding,soIfrowned.“Besides,Nathaniel,Iwanttoattendthefuneral.”
Hesaidnodding.“MyMumwillgetoverit.She’sjustpissedthatshe’spaidforaholiday
WHICHshenevertoldmeaboutandnowI’mnotgoing.”Hesaidnodding,“It’lltakeher
aboutthreedays,thenshe’llprobablytakeGrandmaorhersister.Orsomething.”Hesaid
thenhenoddedtome.“Don’tworryaboutme.”Headdedthoughtfully.“Ishouldbe
worryingaboutyou.”HeaddedsoIshookmyhead.
“No,noyoushouldn’t.”Isaidthensighed.“Hereallydidlovehiscar.”Isaid,feelingas
heputhishandonmykneeandbegantorubmythigh.
“Iknow.”Hesaidnodding,“Heravedaboutit.”HesaidthensmiledlightlyatmesoI
noddedwhilstbreathingin.“Ithink,Ihaveaslightcomfortthough.”HesaidsoIlooked
athim,“Whenwewentout,wesatforabit,hadsomethingtoeatandwetalked.”Hesaid,
Inodded.“HesaidtomethathethoughtIwastherightkindofpersonforyouandhe
madesureIknewthatifeverIwantedtomoveinwithyou,wantedtomarryyou,Iwas
verywelcometo.”HesaidsoIleantmyheadonhisshoulder.
“Really?”
“Ohyes.”Hesaidsoftlythenkissedthetopofmyhead.
“Iamglad,IknowthatbecauseifIhadn’t,Iwouldneverhavefeltrightdoingit.”Hesaid
nodding,
“Thatisacomfort.”IsaidnoddingwhilstplacingmyhandontopofOwen’s.“Hewas

annoyedatme,”Isaidthenlookedathimashefrowned,“BecauseImanagedtolosemy
virginityyoungerthanhim.”IsaidandOwenlaughedsoftlysoIhead-buttedhisshoulder,
becauseitwasstilltoosoontolaugh.
“IwishI’dhadabigbrother.”HesaidnoddingsoIlookedathim,“Heseemedlikehe
tauntsyourelentlessbuthedefinitelyalwayshadyourback.”HesaidnoddingsoIagreed.
“Heusedtotakemetoschool.”Isaidnodding,“Alotofmyfriendsthoughthewasreally,
reallycoolsoheagreedtotakemetooschool.”IsaidthenIleantonhisshoulderagain,
“Itdidn’tmatterthatwewereallsevenyearsyoungerthanhim,he’dmakesurehesaidhi
toallofthemandmadesuretheyallgottospeaktohimatleastonce.”IsaidandOwen
smiledatme.“HedidtrytosetmeupafewtimeswhenIwasthirteenthough.”Iadded
thoughtfully,“Withhisfriendslittlesistersorniecesorthingslikethat.”Isaidnodding,
“Whenhefoundoutaboutyou.”Isaidsohenodded,“Hecameandapologizedthathe’d
justassumedIwasstraight.”Isaidnodding,“Hethenmadeapointofmentioningboysas
wellasgirls–everywhere.IhadtokeepremindinghimthatIactuallyhadaboyfriend.”I
saidthenshookmyhead.
“Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifhe’dalreadybroughtthegreenhouse.”Hesaidnodding,soI
tookahitchedbreaththenlookedathim,
“No.Ireallywouldn’tbesurprised.”Isaidthenletthebreathgoandfeltasheranhis
thumbovermycheek,soIharshlywipedmyhandovermyothercheek,untilhestopped
myhand.
“Don’thateyourselfforit.”HesaidsoIshookmyhead,“Butbeforeyouhavetoreapply
yourmakeup.”HesaidsoIscoffedathim,“Let’sgoeat.Ithinkweneedtoeat
something.”HesaidsoInoddedtohimandstood,
“Possibly.”Isaidthenwentwithhimtowardsthekitchen.

DAYFOURTEEN

Isat,onthestepthatwasattachedtothebackdoorasGrandmahungthewashingonto

theline.
“Inoticedsomething.”ShesaidsoftlysoIlookedupatherwhilstslippingmyhands
underneathmykneesanddrawingmykneesupsoIcouldrestmychinonthem.
“What?”Iqueried,whilstraisingmyeyelineasshepulledthelegoutofapairofOwen’s
jeans.
“You’velostyourappetite.”ShesaidsoIlookeddownagain.
“Isn’ttheremoreimportantthingsrightnow.”Isaidandsheshookherhead,
“No,noNathaniel.”ShesaidsoIsighed,
“Darryl.”Isaidsosheshookherhead,
“Darrylwould’vewantedyoutobeeating.”Shesaid,
“Darrylwouldbeforcefeedingme.”Imurmured,soshecoughedalaughslightly.“Isn’tit
toosoontolaugh?”Iaskedsoshefrowned,“Isn’tit,itdoesn’tseemtohavebeenlong
enoughtoallowourselvestolaugh.”
“Whynot?”sheaskedsoftlysoIblinkedharshly.
“Becauseitdoesn’tseemtherightthingtodo.Imean,reallyweshouldnotbelaughing.”
“Hewouldofwantedustobe.”
“No.”Isaidshakingmyhead,“Hewouldn’thavethoughtaboutitbecauseit’sfar,fartoo
soon.He’dbethinkingabouthowI’dbekeepinganeyeonhiskids,howI’dbemaking
sureeveryoneelseisokayandI’dbeneglectingmyself,BUThe’dbeokaywiththat
becausehe’dknowthatOwenwouldbethereforthemomentIbreakdown.”Isaid
nodding.
“Whatabouttherestofus?”SheaskedsoIlookedather,“You’dhavealreadysaid
goodbyetous?”sheaskedsoInodded.
“Andwewouldn’thavelaughedtheneitherbecauseitwouldn’thavebeenright.”Isaidso
shehummed,
“Okay,Nathaniel.”Shesaidthencametostandinfrontofme,thensheknelt,placingher
handsonmyknees.“Whenwillbeitbesoonenoughtolaugh?”SheaskedsoIshrugged,
“We’llfeelit.”
“Andwhatifweneverdo?”
“Thenwedon’tlaugh.”Isaidshakingmyhead,“Wewillknow.Wewill.”
“Okay,listen.”Shesaid,“IwasfourteenwhenmyMumlosthersister.”ShesaidsoI
nodded.“Mumfeltlikeyoudo.Shefeltlikeitwaswrongtobehappy,shefeltitwas
wrongtosmile,wrongtolaugh.Shewouldn’tallowherselftobehappy.Thefuneralcame
andpassedandshestillwouldnotallowherselftobehappy.”Shesaidthenshesighedas
sherubbedmyknees.“Itbegantoeffectotherthings.ItbegantoaffectmyDad,my
sisters,me.”Shesaidthensheliftedmychin.“MyauntwasoneofthefunniestpeopleI
knew.Shewasmostdefinitelythelightoftheparty.Shethoughtthingshadbeenasuccess
ifshe’dseenatleastonepersonsmile.”Shesaidnodding.“SomyMumnotsmiling
would’vebrokenherheart.”Shesaidnodding.“Nathaniel,I’dlikeyoutomakeapromise

tome.”ShesaidsoInoddedtoher.“Youcanbesadforfiveminutesaday.”Shesaidand
Iwenttoprotest.“Youcanbeassadasyoulikeforfiveminutes,everyday.Butoncethat
fiveminutesisupyouhavetolaughandyouhavetosmile.Youhavetokeepgoing
becauseDarrylwouldwantyoutokeepgoing.Darrylwouldbekickingyouunderneath
thediningroomtablebecauseofyourmood.”ShesaidandInoddedbecauseIagreed,
thenfeltasshelightlypokedmycheek.“Laugh.Iknowyouwantto.”ShesaidsoIraised
myeyelinetolookather.“Iknowithasn’tevenbeenaweek.Iknowit’sonlybeenafew
daysbutyou’vegottostartsmilingagain.”Shesaidthenlookedbehindme,“Becausewe
allmissyoursmile.”Sheadded,“Oh.”Shesaidthenlightlytappedmynose,“Start
kissingyourboyfriendagain.”ShesaidsoIfrownedather,“Ithinkhesodeservesitright
now.”SheaddedsoInodded,becauseIdidagreethatOwendeservedsomekindof
affection.
“Okay.”Isaidquietly.
“ButIwillbeharshwithyourpercentageofplateeaten.”ShesaidsoIsighed.
“Can’twestartwithsmiling,moveontolaughingtheneating?”
“No,Nathaniel.We’redefinitelystartingwitheating.”ShesaidsoIexhaled,thenturned
andsawOwen,whoonceheconnectedoureyelinestriedtoactasifhehadn’tjust
listenedtoeverythingthat’djustbeensaid.
“Comehere.”Isaidsohedid,crouchingdowntomyheightandlettingmepullhim
forwardandkisshim.
“Thatismorelikeit.”GrandmasaidsoIturnedtolookatherasshewinkedatme.

Iwassummonedintothelivingroomafterlunch.I,apparentlyhadtogoalone

becauseOwenwasn’tallowedtoenter,sohewentandcalledhisMum,toseeifshewas
anyhappierwithhimchoosingtostay.IwassatbetweenMumandDadandtherewasa
manwithasuitstoodinfrontofus.He,howeverlookedalittleanxious.Icouldn’tsee
himbeingmucholderthanmeandhissuitlookedafewsizestoobig.
“IamDavidHarrison.Iamthesolicitor.”Hesaidnoddingindefinitelyoncewe’dall
actuallyseatedourselves.“IamleadtobelieveMrDarrylRhodes,didnotleaveawill.”
HesaidandDadshookhishead,
“Ofcoursehedid,”Hesaid,thenlookedatMumsinceshehithimontheshoulderforhis
answer.“Hewastwenty-five,whenwoulditeveroccurtohimtoleaveawill.”Hesaidso
MumscoffedlightlythenIfeltassherestedherarmsaroundmyshoulders.“Wehave
talkedthroughhisbelongingsandhavecometoaconclusionforwhowillinheritwhat.”
Hesaidnoddingthenopenedtheenvelopeinhishands.Hethenbeganreadingallkindsof
professionalbabbleabouthissharesinland,hisloansandotherthingsthatconcerned
MumandDad.“FiftypercentofMrDarrylRhodessavingswillgotoMrNathaniel
Rhodes.”HesaidandIlookedup,frowningatthestatement.“Thatequalsfivethousand,
sixhundred,fiftytwopoundsandsixteenpence.”HesaidsoIlookedatMumwhowas
lookingprobablyasshockedasIwas.“Twenty-fivepercentwillgotoMrPhillipRhodes
andMrsMargaretRhodes.”GrandmaandGrandad.“Andtwenty-fivepercenttoMr
JamesRhodesandMrsNadineRhodes.”MumandDad.Hethencontinued,hebasically
explainedthatDarryldidn’townmanythings,ashesoldthehousehebroughtwhenhe

movedover,sotechnicallyallhehadtohisnamewashisfourbyfourandhedidn’teven
havethatanymore.ThecarwenttoDad,hecouldchoosewhethertogetareplacementcar
orwhethertousethemoneyforsomethingelsebutitwashistodoashepleased.

IwenttofindOwenafterwehadalotoflegalbabblethrownatus,Ifoundhimlaying

onmybedreadinghisbook.
“Iseverythingokay?”Heaskedsittingupquicklyandplacingthebookbehindhim,I
noddedtohimthenfrowned.
“Ithinkso.”Isaid,sohefrownedbackatme.“Darryldidn’thaveawill.”Isaid,he
nodded.“Sotheydisruptedallhispossessionsbetweenus.Mybrotherdidn’townmany
things.”IaddedandOwensmiledslightly,“I’mokay.”Iadded.“Ithink,”Ifinishedsohe
noddedtome,thenhehuggedme.
“Wouldyouliketodosomething?”Heasked,“Shouldwegooutside?Orsomething,get
someair,goonawalk.Justgetoutofthehouse?”HesaidsoInoddedtohim.
“Ilikethesoundofthat.”Isaidsohenoddedbackthenpushedmeupbymyelbow,soI
stoodandwenttomyshoesashelefttheroom.Thencameback,puthishoodieonthen
hisshoesandletmeleadhimouttheroom.Weinformedmyparentsthatweweregoing
onawalk.Webothagreedtostayawayfromthecliff,thenweescaped.Walkinginthe
oppositedirectiontowherewe’dbeenwalkingforthepastfewweeks.Well,technicallyI
wasleadinghimtowardsaShetlandponyfarmthatIknewof.Wereachedthetopofthe
mostrecenthillwehadbeenwalkingupandheinstantlygaspedattheherdofponiesthat
wasbeforeus.
“Wehaven’tspentmuchtimewiththeponies.”Isaidaswebegandownthehill,both
strugglingtokeepasensiblespeedwiththequickinclinethehillwasproviding.
“Isthereawaytodothis?”heaskedsoInodded,
“Letthemapproachyouandletthemsniffyoufirst.”IsaidasIputmyhandoutfora
ponytosniff,whichitdidthensortofhuffedatmebeforelettingmestrokedownhis
mane.

“They’requitetame.”HesaidandsoundedreasonablysurprisedsoIhummed,

“Ontheirgooddays.”Isaidnodding,thenImanagedtocrackasmileasOwencameto
theponyIwasstrokingwithanoutstretchedhand.
“There’sthatsmileyourGrandmawastalkingabout.”Hesaidnodding.“I’vemissedit.”
hesaidnodding,soIhummed.
“I’vebeensad.”Irepliedthenlookedathim,
“Iunderstandthat.”Hesaidsoftly,“Likeyouwon’tunderstandhowmuchIunderstand
that.Butit’snicetoseethesmileagain.”
“Theponieshelp.”Isaidandheraisedhiseyebrows.
“Oh,ofcourseitwasalltheponies.”HesaidandIlaughed,Icouldn’thelpitIbegan
laughingwhichmadehimgrinatme,althoughtheponydecideditwantedtomoveaway,
soitdidandOwencametowardsme,wrappinghisarmsaroundmethenhuggingme
tightly.

Wefoundalittlecaféalittledowntheroad.Webothwentinandgotahotchocolate

eachandasliceofchocolatecakebetweenus.
“Thisholidaydidn’tquiteturnouthowitwasplanned.”Isaidaftertakingasipofmyhot
chocolate.“Didit?”Isaidandhesmiled.
“Honestly.”HesaidsoInodded,“No.”hesaid,“ButIcan’tcomplain.Really.”Hesaidso
Ibitmylip.
“Youcan.Youcouldhavegonehome.”
“Mum’soverit.”Hesaid,ratherthanreplying.“Shesendshercondolencesand
apologies.”Hesaidnodding,soIshookmyhead.“Shespentabouttwentyminutestelling
methatshewasaterriblehumanbeingandshewouldn’tbesurprisedifyouneverwanted
tospeaktoheragain.”Hesaidthencockedhiseyebrowsatme,
“IcouldneverstopspeakingtoDiane.”Istatedsoheshookhishead.
“Youhaveastrangerelationshipwithmymother.”
“I’mthedaughtershenevergot.”Isaid.“Oddly.”Ifinishedfrowningathim,sohesmiled
thenshookhishead.
“You’resothedaughter-in-law.”Hesaidnodding.“Fearheraswemoveintogether.”He
warnedsoIsmiledlightlyintomyhotchocolate.

DAYFIFTEEN

Icouldfeelarmsaroundme,tighteningasIwokeupmore.Itriedtohitoutbut

couldn’tbecauseIwastrapped,soinsteadIopenedmyeyes,lookingaroundthesemi-
darkroom.Itmust’vebeenearlymorningbecauseIcouldseedulllightcomingfromthe
crackinthecurtainsandIcouldseefaintshapesofthefurnitureandofOwen.Owenwho
washoldingmedown.
“Calmdown.”Hewhispered,soIturnedtohimfrowningathim.
“Owen.”Iwhisperedbacksoheletmego.“What?”Ibeganbutcouldn’tquitefindthe
questiontoask.
“Youbeganmoaning.”Hesaidthensathimselfupalittlebit,“Itwokemeup,Iwentto
comfortyouandyougotmoredistressed,youbegankickingoutandtryingtohitme.”He
saidshakinghishead.“Whatwereyoudreamingabout?”HeaskedsoIfrownedathim,
“I.”Ibeganthensatup,“Idon’tremember.”Isaid.“I’msorry.”Iaddedfrowningathim,
“Ididn’tmeantohurtyou.”Isaidsoheshookhisheadatmewhilstalmostlaughing,
“Youdidn’thurtme.Justconcernedme.”Hesaidnoddingthenhebeganstrokingmyhair
back,“Areyouokay?”Herepeated,Inodded.
“Ithinkso.”Isaidquietly.“I,Idon’tknow.That’sabitscary.”Isaidsohenoddedthen
reachedoverme,gothisphoneandIthinklookedatthetime.
“Isthereenoughtimeformoresleep?”Iaskedsohehummed.
“Halffour.”Hereplied,“Yes.”Headdedthenpointedatme,“JustnokickingorI’llpush
yououtthebed.”HesaidsoInoddedtohimthenuntangledmyarmsandmylegsfrom
theblanket.

Iseemedtobeunderscrutinyatbreakfast.BothMumandGrandmawherekeeping

trackofmyfoodintake,butIcouldn’tpleaseeitherofthembecauseIcouldn’tbring
myselftoactuallyeatanything.Iphysicallycouldn’t.Iknew,themomentitsomuchas
touchedtheliningofmystomachthatit’dwanttocomebackup.Iknewthat.Ialsoknew
thatascotchpancakecanbeuptotwenty-eightgramsofcarbsandonehundredandsixty-
threecalories,whichwasnotgood.Notgoodformeanyway,becauseitwouldsitheavily
inmystomachandI’dknowI’deatenitallday.Whichwouldleadtomewantingtogetit
outmystomach.IknowthatGrandmathoughtIwasn’teatingbecauseofDarryl.She
thoughtittobegriefandifthinkingitwasgriefmadeiteasier,thengriefitwas.
UnfortunatelyMumactuallyknewandMum’sstarewasmuchharsherthanGrandma’s
whenIcutthepancakeintoeightequalpiecesandmovedthemaroundmyplate,tocreate
theillusionthatI’deatensomeofit.Ilearntthatthefirsttimearound,ifIcutmyfoodup
intosmallpiecesandspreadthemout,itwasbelievedI’deatensomeoftheplate.Mum
figureditoutaboutthreemonthslaterandobviously,likeme,hasn’tforgottenit.
“What?”IqueriedonceIplacedmyknifeandforkontheplate.
“Youknowfullwellwhat.”MumrepliedsoIsighed,thenrubbedmyforehead.
“I’mgoingtogoandfindOwen.”Isaidslowlythenturnedandgotofftheseat.“Seen
him?”IqueriedasIbegantoleave.“No.Okay.”Isaidthendisappearedintothehallway.

“MrRhodes,hm,Sir,”IheardinOwen’svoicesoIcrepttowardswherehewas

requestingtheaudienceofmydad,orgrandfather,bothwereMrRhodes,

“Owen,”dadrepliedsoIstoppedandIlookedthroughthedoor,Owenhadhisbackto

me,withhishandsbehindhisback,hewaspullingonhisfingers,onebyone,hewas
nervous.Dadwasjustoutofmyeyeline,butIcouldseehisshadow.“What’sonyour
mind?”

“It’sregardingNathaniel.”HesaidsoIfrownedandmovedalittlemoreforward.

“Ishe,”dadbeganthansighed,“That’sstupid,Iknowheisn’tcoping.”HesaidandI

sawasOwennodded,

“He’sfindingithardtosleepandifhedoesfallasleephe’shavingnightmares,Mister

Rhodes,I’vebeeninhisbedsince,”hesaidsoImovedagainbecauseIwantedtoseedad
andIonlysawhiscuriousnod,“I’maskingyouwhetheryou’dconsiderallowingusto
moveintooneofthedoublebedrooms,untilhecansleepeasy,theamountoftimeshe’s
almostpushedmeoffthatbedisridiculous,”hesaidandIhearddad’sslightbreathofa
laugh,itaccompaniedmyquietlaugh.“andImean,wewillnotdaredoanything,Iwould
hardlythinkNathanielwouldwanttodoanythingrightnow,he’sjustaboutkissingme,
notevenlikeaproperkiss,butthat’stoomuchinformation,”hesaidanditalmostmade
mesmile,heonlyrambleswhenhe’snervous,heonlyfiddleswhenhe’snervous,hewas
trulynervous.

“Owen,”DadsaidsoOwenlookedathim,“Okay.”HeaddedandOwenprettymuch

gapedathim,“Iunderstandwhereyou’recomingfromandatthispointIwilldoanything
tomakesurethatboyisokay,”hesaidandOwennodded,

“We’reverymuchreadingfromthesamepagesir,”hesaidanddadexhaled,

“MynamesJames,”hesaidandOwennodded,

“Okay…”Hesaidthenlookeddirectlyatdad,hishandsathisside,hisvoicecoming

outperfectly,“MrJames,”headdedanddadactuallylaughed,notabellowofalaugh,but
enoughofalaughtomakeOwensmileback,

“CanIspeaktoyou,”DadsaidsoOwenfrowned,“Iknowwe’respeakingbut,”he

saidsoOwennoddedtohim,“Please,dotakeaseat.”HeaddedsoOwenlookedbehind
himthensatonthecouchandsoondadwasnexttohim,“Youhavetoknow,I’venever
hadsomethingagainstyou,”hesaidsoIleantonthewall,“Butofcourse,I’vebeena
littleprotectiveofNathaniel.”HesaidsoOwennodded,“Iknowyoulovehim,heck,I
knowhelovesyou,butIwasworried,he’snot,wellactuallyhe’snotlikeyou,he’snot
likeDarryl,”hesaidthenheswallowed,“Wasn’tlikeDarryl.”Hesaidthenlookedat
Owen,

“Hecanstandupforhimself,”Owensaid,“I’vefoundthatheisamazinglystrong,he

hasimpressedmebecausehonestlyIdidthinkofhimassomeoneI’dhavetodefendbut
hecandoithimself,”hesaidsodadnodded,

“ThenIwasconcernedaboutthesexpart.”HesaidandOwenlookeddown,“Iknow

it’sbeengoingonawhile.”HeaddedsoOwenshookhishead,

“Onlywhenit’sbeenlegal,”hereplied,“Itwasalwaysourfirstconcern,”

“It’sokay,Iknow,I’mnotstupid,Iknowit’sbeengoingonandyes,Iintentionally

putyouinbunkbeds,butyouhavetounderstand,ifhe’dbroughtagirlthey’dbeinbunk
beds,”hesaidandOwenlaughedsoftly.

“It’snotpersonal.”

“Ohdefinitelynot.”Hesaidshakinghishead.“Usemybigbrothersroom.Theone

oppositeyours.TheotherroomhastwinbedsandIwouldn’tdarerisklettingyousleepin
Darryl’sroom.Ifeelitcouldbeslightlycounterproductive.”
“Areyougoingtorejigtherooms?OrwillyouleaveittometotellNathaniel?”Owen
askedsoundingslightlywary.
“I’lltellhim.I’lltrymybesttomakeitsoundlikeapunishment.”HeaddedsoOwen
smiledathimlightly.

“Ihaveajobforyou.”Grandmasaidafterappearingbehindmeandmakingmejump

andOwensmirkfullyamused.
“Whatkindofjob?”IqueriedasOwenstoodandwenttositonthecouch,gettinghis
phoneoutasIstood.
“Tea,”Shesaidnoddingthenmademefollowher,soIdidso.Iknewwhatshewasdoing,
shewasliaisingwithmymotherandhadcomeupwiththecunningplanthatifshegotme
tohelpmakethetea,Iwasmorelikelytoeatit.Icouldn’tdecidewhethertoindulgethem
tonight–thenrecreateitafewhourslaterortonotbotherindulgingthemandcontinue
beingglaredatoverthediningroomtable.“You’reonmashingthepotatoes.”Shesaid

whilstgivingmeamasherandthepotatoestodoittoo.
“Whatareyoumaking?”IqueriedasIbegantomashthepotatoes.
“Bangersandmash.”ShesaidsoftlysoIlookedup.
“Really?”Ialmostsqueakedoutsoshenodded.
“Andofcourseanoniongravy.”
“Neverforgettheoniongravy.”Isaidthroughasadlaugh.Bangerandmash,withonion
gravywasDarryl’sdish.Minewasturkeyandleakpie,butDarrylwasalwaysbangersand
mash.WhenIwasalittleyounger,GrandmaonceforgottheoniongravyandDarryldid
NOTletherforgetit.
“Ifeltwehadtohaveit.”Shesaidnodding,“Itwastimetohaveit.”ShesaidsoItooka
verydeepbreathin.
“Okay.”Isaidsoshesmiledatmethenlookedattheclock.
“Thatwasfiveminutes,getmashingboy.”ShesaidsoInoddedtoherandcontinue
mashingthepotatoes.Therewassortofaneeriesilencewhentheplatesgotplacedonthe
table,wesatforafewminutesbeforeDadasked;
“Where’stheoniongravymum?”Thegravyboatwasinstantlyplacedinfrontofhimand
hesmiledwhilstdrowninghisplateinthegravy.

Itriedmybesttoactuallystayuppastnineo’clockthatnight.Ireallypushedmyself

tositwithmyfamilyuntillaterbutitfeltwrong.Itwasn’tmyentirefamily,whichsure
I’musedtoathome,I’musedtojustMum,Dadandme,butwhenwe’rehereitshouldbe
everyoneandIdidn’twanttohavetositandknowthatitshouldbeeveryone.Ibeganto
makeamovementaroundhalfnine,I’datleastpassedmynineo’clockaim.
“Sit.”DadsaidsoIlookedathim,hewaslookingathisphoneforsomething,hehadn’t
evenlookedup.“Ineedtosaysomething.”Hesaidthenputhisphonedownandturnedon
thechairsoIhovered,Irefusedtositbackdown,untilIfeltOwen’shandinmine,pulling
meback.“Itwillnotbealecture.”HeaddedsoIsat,“IjustwanttoinformyouthatI’m
shiftingsomeroomsaround.”HesaidsoIfrowned,“I’vedecidedthatyouandOwenwill
bemoving.”Hesaidthenhehummed.Hewasreallystrugglingtofindanexcusetomove
us.“It’scometomyattentionthatyouaretootalltostayinthebunkbeds.Especiallyas
we’restayinglonger.”HesaidandIsawasGrandmacockedaquizzicaleyebrowathim,I
didtoo,myheighthadonlybeenabotherwhensittingupnotwhensleeping.“Soyou’re
bothmovingintoanotherroom?”Hesaidnodding,lookingveryseriousaboutit,Ithink
he’djustimpressedhimself.
“Who’s?”Iqueried,
“Thomas’”Hesaidnodding,
“Oh.”Ireplied,tryingmyverybesttosoundsurprised,I’manartistnotathespian.
“So,ifyoustandingwasbecauseyouweregoingtobed,feelfreetogotobed.”Hesaid
nodding,“I’mdone.”Headded,soInoddedslowly.
“Right.Okay,”Isaidthenfrownedathim,“Thankyou.”Iaddedcautiouslysohenodded,
IthenhuggedGrandmaandlefttheroom.

Owenfollowedtobedalengthoftimeafterwards.Iwasn’treallysurehowmuchtime

hadpassedandalsowasn’tsurehowlatehe’dcometobed,soI’dbroughthispyjama’s
throughandhisphonecharger.I’dpluggeditin,madesurehecouldreachit,Iplacedhis
bookonthebedsidecabinetandhispyjamaswerefoldedandplacedontheendofthebed.
EventhoughI’dmadetheroomeasytomanoeuvreinthedark,Istillturnedthelampon
whenhecamein.
“DidIwakeyou?”heaskedfrowningworryinglyatme,thenhelookedaroundthebed
andsmiledlightly.
“No,”Iwhisperedbackwhilstpullingmylegsuptoholdontothem.“Youcan’twake
someoneupiftheyhaven’tbeentosleep.”Iaddedsohesighedbutnoddedtome,
“I’lljustgodomyteeth,I’llbeback.”HesaidpointingatmesoInoddedtohimandleant
myheadonmykneeslookingattheothersideoftheroom.Ididn’tmovewhenhecame
backin,mostlybecauseIwaslookingatthesideoftheroomhe’dbe.Iwatchedhimget
changed,thenwatchedhimpluginhisphone,thenhegotintobed.
“Howareyoufeeling?”Hequeriedsoftly,soIshrugged.
“Ifeelnumb.”Isaidandgotafrown.“Like,IunderstandwhatmyGrandmasaid,I
understandwhyshewantsmetobehappymorethansad.ButIfeelnumbbecauseI’m
pretendingtobehappy.”
“You’renotpretendingtobehappy.”HewhisperedlightlysoIlookedathim,“That
laugh,thefirstandonlylaughI’veheardsince,wasreal.”HesaidsoIlookeddown,“I
knowyou.Iknowyouwellenoughnow.Iknowwhenyou’reputtingsomethingonto
pleasesomebodyandyouwerenotdoingthatthen.”
“No.”Isaidthenshookmyhead.
“Youfeellikeyoushouldn’tbeallowedtobehappy.Igetthat.Butyoucan,youare
allowedtobehappy.”Hesaid,“Youhavetobe.”HeaddedsoInoddedagainwhilst
takingaverybigdeepbreathin.
“It’sthefuneraltomorrow.”Isaidsohenodded,“AmIallowedtobesadforlongerthan
fiveminutestomorrow?”Iaskedandhisexpressionsofteninstantly.
“Ithinkthat’dbeallowed.”Hesaidnodding,thenstrokingsoftlydownmyarm.
“It’snotbreakingmypromise.”
“No.It’snot.”Hesaidthenpulledmedown,sowebothbegantoliedown.“Notatall.”
Hesaidthenheliftedmychin,hekissedmelightlythenleanthisheadonmyshoulderas
Ireachedforthelamptoplungetheroomintodarkness.

DAYSIXTEEN

IbumpedintoDadinthekitchenthatmorning.Itwastooearly,inmyopinionfor

anyonetobeawake,soIstowedawaytothekitchen,foracoffee,carefulnottowakeup
Owen.Dadwassatattheisland,lookingatthecakestandandIthinkhavingadebate
whetheritwastooearlytoactuallyeatcake,orwhetheritcountedaslatenight.
“WhatareyoudoingupNathaniel?”HeaskedlookingtowardsthedoorwhereIwas
stood,tryingtodecidewhethertoactuallysitwithhim,orwhethertogobacktobed.
“Icouldn’tsleep.”Irepliedquietly,heshookhishead.
“NeithercouldI.”hesaid,“Coffee?”HeaskedsoInodded,thenwenttositattheisland
ashestood,gottwomugsfromtherackandbegantomakeacoffee.Ididn’tutterasound
untilhetookaseat,
“Isittooearlyforcake?”HeaskedsoIlookedathim,
“Isthatarhetoricalquestion?”Irepliedandhelaughedroughly.
“No,it’snot.”Hesaidshakinghishead,thenhestoodandliftedthelidonthecakestand.
“Ohjamtarts.”Hesaidthenlookedatme,“It’snottooearlyforjamtarts.They’re
technicallybreakfast.Jamandpasty.”HesaidsoIsmiled.
“You’rejustjustifyingitforyourself.”Isaidsohenoddedthentookone,sliditacrossthe
tabletomethentookasecond.
“HaveyousleptatallNate?”HeaskedsoIshrugged.
“Ithinkso.LikeIrememberwakingup,soImust’ve.”Isaidandhenodded,
“Good.”Hesaid.“Ididn’tmentiontodaybecauseIdidn’twantyoutothinkaboutit.”He
saidsoIshookmyhead,
“It’sokay.”Isaidslowly,“Ihaven’tbeensleepinganyway,really.”
“ThatisnotsomethingtoshrugoffNathaniel.”Hesaid,buthedidn’tsayitharshly,he
seemedtojuststateit,thenhesighedwhilstrubbinghisforeheadandwithhisotherhand,
unwrappingthetinfoilcoverofthejamtart.
“There’salottodo.”Isaidandheshookhishead,
“Notreally.”Hereplied,
“Wehaven’tlookedthroughthepicturesanddecidedwhichtoputout.”Hesaid,“Ithink
that’sit.ThewakeisinThomas’,wefiguredit’dbebetterifwecouldcomebackhereand
nothavetoclearuporanything,soThomasisholdingthewake.”Hesaidthenhe
yawned,whichmademeyawn.
“Wherearethepictures?”Iaskedsohepointed,Ithinkpointedthroughthewall,towards
thelivingroom.“CanIchoosethem?”Iaskedsohenoddedtome,
“Ofcourse.”Hesaidsoftly,soIstoodandIwentintothelivingroom,untilIfoundabox
thatsaid‘DarrylandNathaniel’,onit.IcarrieditbackthroughtothekitchenthenIleft
again.Goingintothebunkbeddedroom,goingintomycraftybagandgettingsomeofmy
blankscrapbookpagesoutofit.Ichosemainlytheivoryonesandplacedtheminapilein
frontofmeontheisland,thenbegangoingthroughthebox.
“Mum,”Dadsaidthenlookedatme,“Grandma,alwaysmadecakes.”Hesaidnoddingas
IlookedatthepicturesofaveryyoungMumandDadwithababyDarryl.“Always.”He

saidnodding,“EvenwhenIwasakid.Thomaswouldcomeknockingonourdoorsand
we’dallsneaktothekitchenandeatwhateverwasthere.Shesooncaughtontoit.”He
saidlaughingsoftlyasIplacedsomebabypicturesandtoddlerpicturesofDarrylontothe
scrapbookpage.“Sheputafruitcakeonenight,noneofusateitandshefiguredoutwho
wasstealinghercakes.”HesaidsoIraisedmyheadtolookathim.“ItoldDarrylwhenhe
waseightthatGrandmaleavesoutcakesofanight.”Hesaidnodding,“ThenightItold
him,Icaughthimsneakingintothekitchen.”Headdedthensmiledatme,“Ididn’ttell
himoff,Isathimonthetableandwehadasliceeach.”Hesaidnodding,soIlooked
downatthepicturesinmyhands.“Grandmadoesn’thaveallourpictures.”Hesaid
curiously,Iswallowed.
“Irememberthat.”Isaidliftingthepictureofathreeyearoldmeandatenyearold
Darryl,wewereataseasideholidaycamp,bothinourtrunks.Darrylwasholdingmy
armsup,tryingtomakeitsoIwastallenoughtogoontheslidewithhim.
“Hedidn’tgoontheslideintheend.”Dadsaidnodding,“Heplayedwithyouinthe
shallowpool.”HeaddedsoInoddedthenchosethatpicturetoputonthepage.Theone
thatfollowedwasofmyveryfirstdayofschool,Iwasstoodinmybrandnewschool
uniformwithmybookbagandabiggrinonmyface,nexttoDarryl,whowasinhisbrand
newSeniorSchooluniform,readyforhisfirstdayofYearSeven.
“HemadesureIwashappytogotoschoolbeforeheleft.”IsaidthenshowedDadthe
picture,seeingthefondsmile.“HemadesureIwasn’tscaredandthatIknewifanyone
saidanythingtometotellthemmybigbrotherwouldsortthemout.”Isaidthenletouta
waterylaugh,IwipedthebackofmyhandacrossmynosethenIpickedupthenext
picture.Mytenthbirthdayparty,seventeenyearoldDarrylwasstoodbehindmeasIblew
outthecandlesonmycake,hewaspointingatsomethingonthecakeandtalkingtomeas
hedid.MakeawishNathaniel,butremembereverycandlehastogooutfirsttime
otherwiseyourwishwon’tcometrue.Iblewwithallmymightandeverycandlewentout
firsttime.Ihadtoputthepicturesdownbythen,placingmyelbowsonthetableand
coveringmyfacewithmyhands.
“Hey,hey.”DadsaidasIbegantoshake,“Comehere.”HeaddedasIfelthisarmswrap
aroundme,soIloweredmyhands,restingthemonhisbackwhilstblubberingintohis
shoulder.“Thisiswhywehadn’tdonethepicturesyet.”Hewhisperedlightly.“Noneofus
couldhandleit.”HesaidsoIturnedmyheadtolookatthepicturesthathadbecome
scatteredoverthetablewithmyswiftputtingdown.
“IthoughtIcould.”Isaidhearingasthesobtookovertheletters.“IthoughtIcould
handleit.”Isaidandfeltashesqueezedmetighter.

Breakfastwasablur.GrandmacamedownfirstandtoldDadoffforeatingherJam

tarts,thenshebeganonapotofporridge.Grandadfollowed,hadhisbowlofporridge
thenwentouttogetthemorningnewspaper.Mumwasnext,shecamedown,gotherown
bowl,thencutabananauptogoontopofit,thentookaseat.Itwastoonormal,
everythingwasjustthatbittoonormal.
“Nathaniel.”DadsaidsoIlookedathim,we’dfinishedthepicturestogether,creatingfive
pagestoputout,thenwetidiedawaytherestandhidthemaway,“Goandgetyour

shower.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,
“Thencomebackandhavesomeporridge.”Grandmaaddedwhilstspooningabowlfor
Dad,soInoddedagainandIleft,goingdownthestairs,toourroomwhereOwenwasstill
fastasleep,soIlefthim,goingtogetatowelandgettingashower.He’dbeguntowakeup
whenIreturnedtogetdressed,
“Grandmamadeporridge.”IsaidbecauselogicallythatwaswhatIwassupposedtosay,
hehoweverfrownedatme.
“Grandmamadeporridge.”Herepeatedthenhenoddedslowly,“Okay.”Headdedthen
gotoutofbed.“I’lljustgothetoiletthenI’llaccompanyyouforsomeporridge.”Hesaid
soInoddedtohimandgotchangedthenfollowedOwentothekitchenandsatandatea
bowlofporridge,theentirebowl.Ittookaboutfiveminutesforthatentirebowlto
disagreewithmeandIwasout,outofthekitchentowardsthebathroombeforeIcould
evenregisterthatI’dbegunmoving.

OwenandIwereleftaloneforthemorning,withthepermissiontospenditinour

bedroom.Sowedid,afterI’dthrewupacolossalamount,Owenhadmademelieonthe
bedwithhim,soIhad.Wejustdidn’tseemtomove.
“Willyoubeabletohandletoday?”Heaskedsoftlywhilsthisfingerswrappedaround
strainsofmyhair,
“Idon’tknow.”Irepliedthenclosedmyeyes.“No.”Isuggestedandfeltashesighed,
“Theservicewon’tbetoolong.”Hesaidquietly.“Andwecanstowawayduringthe
wake,hidefromyourrelatives.”HesaidsoInoddedslowly.
“Ialmostdon’twanttogo.”Isaidandhishandstilled.“Idon’twanttogo,Idon’twantto
read,Idon’twanttodoanything.”Isaid.
“You’llregretitifyoudon’tgo.”HesaidsoIopenedmyeyesandlookedupathim,
“Sure,ifyou’renotuptoreading,don’t.Noonewillforceyoutoread.Ithinkthough,
you’llregretnotgoing.”HesaidnoddingatmesoIkissedhischestlightly.
“Howlongdowehave?”Iaskedthenfeltashemoved,obviouslytocheckhiswatch.
“Forty-fiveminutes.”Hesaidnodding,“Willhavetogetdressedinforty-fiveminutes.”
HesaidsoIclosedmyeyesagainandburiedmyfaceintohischest.

Darryldidn’treallygotochurch,sowehadaserviceinthecrematorium.Weallsatin

thefrontroom,justwaiting.Waitingquietly,because,reallywhatwastheretosaynow?
We’dalreadydiscussedthatDadandthreeofhisbrotherswerecarryingthecoffin,there
wasaunanimousagreementthatIwouldn’tbeabletohandleit.We’ddiscussedwhowas
gettingintowhichcar.Owenwasgoingwithmyuncle,inhiscarbehindandwhenitcame
toit,hewasalmostreluctanttoleaveus.Hefinallywent,afterkissingthebackofmy
hand,whichwassoontakenbyMum,wholedmetothefrontcar.

Iwasusheredontothefrontrow,leavingaspaceforDadtostandbesidemewhenhe

cametojoinus.Owensatdirectlybehindme,whichIknewbecauseaswestood,Ifeltas
hetookmyhandinbothofhisandheheldittightly.Heonlyletgoaswesatdownand

eventhenheplacedhishandonmyshoulder,soIrubbedmychinagainstit,feelingashe
squeezedmyshoulderlightly.Themanleadingtheservicewasnice,hewasn’t
overbearingandhedidn’tbecomeoverlyaffectionate.Hejustledtheservice,hereadthe
thingshe’dbeenaskedtoandhetookastepbackwhenoneofDarryl’sfriends–Adam–
stoodtorememberhim.Hetalkedabouthowthey’dmetinSecondaryschoolandhow
they’dkeptincontact‘eventhoughhemovedathousandmilesaway’.Hewasreplaced
byGrandad,whowasstrongerthanDadandIputtogetherandcouldreadwhatwas
writtenbeforehim.I’dbeengivenapoemtoread,becausemyMumthoughtitwas
importantthatIread,Idon’tknowwhy,neitherdidDadbutwebothdidn’tdarebreathea
word,wejustcompliedandIimpressedmyselfbymanagingtoreadthepoemwithout
becomingablubberingmess.Thathoweverdidhappenwhentheyplayedthelastsong,
becauseIcouldn’tkeepitinanylonger,somuchsothatIdidn’tevennoticeDadmoving,
untilIfeltsomeveryfamiliararmswraparoundme.
“Itried.”IwhisperedandOwenshookhishead.
“Youdidbrilliantly.”Hewhisperedbackthenpulledmeintohim,restinghisheadonmy
chestasIleantmyheadonhis.
“Doesthiscountasmyfiveminutes?”Iaskedandfeltashesqueezedmealittletighter.

OwenandIhidinmycousin’sroomduringthewake.Well,wedidn’thidebrilliantly

becauseDadfoundus,bringingOwenabeerandmeavodkacranberry.
“Thoughtyoudeservedadrink.”HesaidnoddingasOwenraisedthebottletohim.“Make
sureyoueatsomethingthough.”HeaddedsoOwenlookedatme,makingmelookback
andfrownattheratherintensestarehewasgivingme.
“Wewill.”Hesaidnodding,
“Anddofeelfreetocomedownstairs.”Dadadded,soInoddedtohim,
“Maybe.”Irepliedslowly.
“I’mnotforcingyou.Justrememberthatyou’rewelcome.”Hesaidthensmiledsadlyat
thetwoofus,thenleftsoIlookedatOwenashetookasipoutthebottle.
“What?”hewhisperedlightlysoIshookmyheadslowly,
“Nothing.Ijust,”Ibegananddidn’tquiteknowhowtofinish.“Idon’tthinkIever
expectedthistohappen.”Isaidsohesortofbreathedalaugh.
“Wellno,thiswasmuchunexpected.”HesaidsoIshookmyhead.
“Imean,havingtogothroughthis,withyou.Sosoon.”Isaidshakingmyhead.“Imean.”
“WhereyouworriedIwasn’tgoingtostay?”
“Ihadnorighttodecidewhetheryouweregoingtostay.”Isaidsoheshookhishead.
“Thatwasn’twhatIaskedyou.”HerepliedsoIlookedathim.
“Iwasterrifiedthatyouweregoingtogohome.”Isaidandhelookeddown.“ButIknew
rationallyyouwouldn’t.”IaddedsoIhefrownedlightly.“Ireasonedwithmyself,
becauseIknewyou.”Isaidnodding,“You’veneverleftme,ifIneedyou.”Isaid,“So
whywouldyounow.”Iaddedsohenoddedseemingimpressedwithmyreasoning.“ButI
alsorealised.”Isaidsohebecamecurious,“ThatI’vereliedonyoualot,you’venot
neededmeatall.”
“NowNathaniel.”HesaidsoIlookedathim,“Thatisthebiggestlieyou’veEVERtold

me.”HesaidsoIshookmyhead.“Ohbutitis.”Hesaidthenmovedalittleclosertome,
“JustbecauseIdon’treactlikeyoudotothingsdoesn’tmeanIhaven’tneededyou.You
justhappentobethereformewithoutknowing.AlthoughsometimesIdohavetocallyou
overjustsoIcanseeyou.”
“Really?”Iaskedsohenoddedfrowningatme,
“YouwerethefirstpersonIcalledwhenIbrokemynose.Iknowthatsoundsstupid,but
youwere.Iwantedyou,Ididn’twantanyoneelse.”Hesaidnodding,“Ispentthedaythat
thetry-outsforthefootballteamwereon,withyou,becauseIwasupsetthatIcouldn’t
takepart,youmademefeelbetterevenifyouhadnoideathatyoudid.”Hesaid,“You’d
knowifyouweredependedonmetoomuch.Believeme,I’dhaveletyouknow.”Hesaid
nodding.“Because?”heaskedmakingmefrown,“Whatisall?”
“Equal.”Irepliedandhenoddedtome,
“IsaidtoDarrylthatyoumademefeelbetterwithoutevendoinganythingsometimes.He
askedmewhetherIwouldeverleaveyouoveranirk.”Hesaidandmyeyeswidened
instantly,“Isaidno,becauseyoumakemefeelhappywithouteventrying.”HesaidsoI
lookedathim,Ijustlookedathim.“Okay?”hefinished,soInoddedslowly,thenmoved
towardshimandkissedhim.
“Let’sgodownstairs.”Isaidandsawhisfrownasheranhisthumbovermycheek.“Let’s
gotalktopeople.I’msuremyUncleThomascangiveyouafewfunnystoriesabout
Darryl.”Isaidnoddingsohesmiledatmethennoddedtome.

DAYSEVENTEEN

Weweresatinthelivingroom.Allsatwithadrink,becausewe’dcomehome.None

ofuswererequiredtodriveanymore,sowecouldallhaveadrink,andwedid.We’dall
takenoffourblazersandourties,we’dopenedafewbuttonsonourshirts.
“Doyourememberthatholiday?”ThiswasDadaskingmesoIfrownedintomyglass
thenInodded.
“Ithinkso.Wecouldn’tstaybecauseDarrylwasallergictosomethinginthehouseandhe
endedupinhospital.”IsaidandMumnodded.
“Youwereaboutfive,sixmaybe.”Shesaidnodding,“Hewasjustsoill.”Shesaid
shakingherhead.
“Irememberbeinginahospital.”Isaidfrowning,“ButIdon’tthinkhewasin.”Iadded
andDadshookhishead,
“You’reprobablyrememberingwhenyouwerein,whenyouwereaboutfour.”Hesaid
thenconferredwithMumwhonoddedinthought.“You’dbeenplayingwithDarrylinthe
frontandheletyouridehisbike.”
“Thatsoundsdangerous.”Owenchimedin,soIlookedathim,
“Wellyes.Hedidn’thavestabilisers,Imeanhewasten,soyoujustwentstraightdown
andhitthewallontheotherendofthestreet.Youhadconcussionandhadbrokenyour
arm,soyouwerekeptinhospitalforafewdays.”
“AndDarrylwasn’tallowedonhisGameboyforanyofthemdays.”Mumsaidandit
madeOwenlaugh.
“Soinstead,hesatwithyouinthehospitalandplayedwithyouandkeptyouentertained.”
DadsaidsoIsmiled,“Youforgavehiminstantlybecausehewasyourbigbrother.”He
saidnodding,soInoddedback.
“Ithappenedalot.”IsaidtoOwenwhosmiled.
“Icanbelievethat.”HesaidnoddingsoDadlaughed.
“Equallythough,Darrylforgaveyouinstantlyaswell.”HesaidsoIsmiled.
“Heusedtotakeyoueverywhere.”Mumsaidnodding,“Becausehewassomucholder
thanyou,heusedtojusttakeyoueverywherewithhim.”Shesaidthenshesmiledatme
soIsmiledintomyglassthenfinishedit.
“Weshouldreallygotobed.”Dadsaidwhilstlookingathiswatch.“God,Ididn’trealise
it’dgottensolate.”Hesaidthenfinishedhisdrinkoff.“Go.”HeaddedsoIstoodandput
myhandouttoOwen,whotookitandletmeleadhimtoourroom.
“DoyouknowwhatIsawtonight?”Heaskedaswebegantogetchangedforbed.Istayed
quietforalittlebit,tryingtofigureoutwhathecouldhavepossiblyofseen.“Well?”he
queriedsoIshruggedathimbecauseIcouldn’tfigureitout.
“What?”Iaskedwhilstfoldingmyshirtandputtingitonthecabinetbehindme.
“Yoursmile.”Hesaidthencametowardsmeashepulledthebottomofhist-shirtdown,
“Yourrealsmile.”HesaidnoddingsoIplayedwiththebottomofmyt-shirt,
“Theyweregoodmemories.”Isaidnodding,“EvenifIendedupinhospital.”Iadded
thoughtfully.

“Ienjoyedthem.”Hesaidlaughinglightly,“IlikelearningaboutlittleNathaniel.”Hesaid
nodding.“ButIthinkIlikethatyoursmilesmakingacomeback.”
“Maybeitshouldreleaseasoloalbum.”Isaidnoddingsohehummed.
“Maybeaclothingrange?”Hesaid,“Oraperfume.”HeaddedsoundingexcitedsoI
pointedathim,
“Youkilledit.”IsaidandhegaspeddramaticallyasIlaughed.
“WellI’llgoandbrushmyteeththen.”Hesaid,“Yourperfumewould’vebeencalledALa
Smile.”HesaidandIcontinuedtolaugh.Idon’tknowifitwasbecauseoftheonetoo
manyvodkacranberriesIhadinmysystembutitfeltlikeitwastherighttimetolaugh,
justlaugh.
“KeepthatlaughupMisterRhodes.It’smyfavouritesoundEVER.”Hesaidthenheleft.

Neitherofuswokeupuntilwellintotheafternoon.Eventhenwejustlaytherefora

while,insilence.
“How’syourhead?”OwenwhisperedsoIlookedathim,
“Why?Doesyourshurt?”Iqueriedsoheshookhishead.
“No.I’mokay.”Herepliedthenturnedsohecouldkissmyshoulder.“Hasyesterday
caughtupwithyou?”heaskedsoIburrowedmyeyebrows.
“Yesterdaywasrightontopofmeallday.”Isaidnodding,“Andignoringtheobvious
innuendo.IwishI’dbeenontopofit.”Isaidnoddingsohehummedatmelightly.
“Ithinkyouweremoreontopofitthanyouthink.”Hesaidnodding.“Honestly.”He
addedthensatupslightly.“Areyouhungry?”heaskedsoIshookmyheadathimwhilst
bringingmyhandsupandrunningthemupmyfaceandthroughmyhair.
“No.”Irepliedsoftlythenlookedathimashefrownedatme.“What?”Iaddedfrowning
athimashetookadeepbreath,thenhenodded.
“Doyoumakeyourselfnotfeelhungry?Orareyougenuinelynot?”hequeriedsoIleant
myheadback.
“Idon’tknow.Idon’tfeelhungry.”Irepliedsohehummedlightly.
“Areyouhungryafteryoueat?”HeaskedsoIfrownedathim,
“Why?”Iqueriedsoheshrugged,
“Idon’tknow.Curious,Isuppose.I’malwayshungry.”Headded,“I’mhungrynow.”He
addedanditmademelaughthroughmyteeth.
“I’msureifweaskGrandmareallynicely,shewillproducesomefood.”Isaidnoddingso
hehummedatme,thenhenodded.
“Hownicely?”heaskedmakingmegrinlightly.

OwenwentandhelpedGrandaddosomethinginthegardenafterhe’dbeenfed.SoI

stayedinside,lyingonmystomach,onthelivingroomrugwithmypadonthefloorin
frontofme.ImanagedtocompleteadrawingbeginonthecolouringbeforeIwas
interrupted,bygettingmyfoothit,soIturnedandsawmyDad.
“Alright?”heaskedsoInoddedtohim,
“Better.”Ireplied,sohenodded.
“Cool.”HesaidandIcoughedalaugh,

“Dad.”Irepliedandhehuffedatme,
“Ican’tthinkofonethatstartswithanEthatwasunfair.”Hesaidmakingmesmile
slightlyandcontinuecolouringin.“Webookedourflightbacktoday.”HesaidsoIlooked
athimagain,“Fivedays.”Hesaidnodding.“Shouldbeenoughtimetosortthingsout,get
usbackontrack,sotospeak.”HeaddedsoInoddedtohim.
“Okay.”Isaidquietly.“Whatelse?”Iaskedwhilstturningbacktocontinuecolouringin.
“Nothingelse?”hesaidandIraisedascepticaleyebrowathim.
“Sorrythisdidn’tgoasyouplanned.”HesaidwhilsthittingmyfootagainsoIsighed
whilstcontinuingcolouring.
“It’snotyourfault,first.”Isaidnoddingandheardhisamusement.“Second,Ididn’t
reallyplanthistogoaparticularway.”Ifinishedsohehummed.
“Yeah,butevenyourworstcasescenario,couldn’thaveevenmatched?”
“Myworstcasescenariowasthathedecidedhe’dhadenoughandheleft.”Isaidnodding.
“Ididn’tevenconsiderthis.”Isaidnodding.
“What’syourplanwithhim?”heaskedsoIfrownedlightly.
“TOlivehappilyeverafter?”Iqueriedandhehitmyfootforrealthistimemakingme
smile,“Obviously,Ihavequitealotoffeelingsforhim.”Isaidthenfiddledwithmy
pencil.“I’dliketomoveinwithhim,inanearfuture.”IsaidsohehummedandIturned
warily.
“WhatIjustheard.”HesaidsoInoddedcuriously,“ObviouslyIlovehim.I’dliketo
movesoIcanhavealotofsexinthenearfuture.”
“Ithinkyouneedtoadjustyourhearingaid.”Irepliedandhelaughed.
“Youwanttomoveheredon’tyou?”heaskedsoInoddedtohim,“Whichiswhyyou
broughtOwenwithushere.YousawwhathappenedtoDarrylandfearedOwenmightdo
that.”HesaidsoInoddedagain.“Ithinkyou’vegotakeeper.”Hesaid.
“SodoI.”Isaidnodding.“AndIthinkIlovehim.”
“Doyouthink?”HesaidsoIlookedathim,“Ordoyouknow?”HeaskedsoInodded,
whilstplacingmypencildown.
“Iknow.”Isaid.“Idefinitelyknow.”

Ibegantofeelveryscrutinisedoverdinner,moresothanusual.IfeltasifOwenwas

alsomonitoringmyfoodintakewhichputmejustthatlittlemoreonedge.Grandmahad
givenOwenandIpizza.Everyoneelsehadpasta,butOwenandIhadhalfapizzaeach,so
I’dateallthelittlepiecesofchickenandpepperonithatwereontopandhadn’treally
touchedthebase.Ididn’tplanontouchingthebase,itwasnevermyintention,butas
avoidingeatingwasgettingmoredifficult,Ihadtoatleastallowthefaçadetoremain.So
Iateoneofthetrianglebases.Evenifitdidn’tseemtopleasemyaudience,I,however,
couldn’tphysicallyeatanothertriangle.Icouldalreadyfeelasmystomachrejectedthe
base,butIwastoowelltrainedtoexcusemyselffromthediningroomtable.So,insteadI
sat,withmyhandscoveringmymouthasGrandmatooktheplatesawayandbroughtback
whatshe’dmadefordessert.Todayitturnedouttobeacoffeeandwalnutcake,whichI
hadaslitherof,becauseasmuchasmystomachwasrejectinganythingsolid,mybrain
couldn’tresistcoffeeandwalnutcake.

OwencaughtmeinthebathroomonceI’dbeenallowedtoescape.Hewashovering

outsidethedoorwhenIopenedit.Neitherofusdaredspeak,wedidn’tevensomuchas
move,untilhegaveandtookmywrist.
“Meandyou,needtotalk.”Hesaidnodding,thenhepulledmealongbehindhimandto
ourbedroom,pushingmeslightlyinfrontofhimthenlookingatmecuriously.“Idon’t
evenknowwheretobegin.”
“Withwhat?”Iwhisperedlightly,
“Ohdon’ttrywiththebullshit.”HesaidsoIsighed,“I’llstartsimple.Youwerejust
throwingup.”
“Upsetstomach.”Irepliedandheglaredatmewhichmademeslightlycower,hewas
tough,hetooknothingbutthetruthandhemadethatveryclear.
“Youbarelytouchedanythingonyourplate.”
“Becauseoftheupsetstomach.”Isaidandheshookhishead,
“Nathaniel.”HesaidsoIshookmyheadathim,“Okay.Fine.I’lltalk.”HesaidsoI
frownedathim,“AboutthreemonthsagoIbegantonoticethatyouweren’teatingas
much.Ididn’tthinktoomuchofit,becauseobviouslyIwasn’tspendingtwenty-four
hourswithyou.Ifiguredyouwereeatingathome.Butyoualsobecamesoconscious.
Youbecameconsciousaroundmewhichhurt.”Hesaidnodding.“AndwhenIfiguredout
whyyouwereconscious,itdidn’tmakesensetome.”Hesaidnodding,“Becauseitwas
aboutyourweightandthereisliterallynothingofyouanyway.”Hesaidnodding.“When
Ifiguredthatout,Ibegantopayattentionmuchmore.Especiallyaswe’vebeenhereand
youjustdon’teat,I’veonlyseenyoueatonemealthewholetimewe’vebeenhereand
thatwasonyourbirthday.Otherthanthatyou’rejustpickingandthatisnoteating.”He
saidshakinghishead.“Iwishthetimingwasbetter.”HeaddedsoIfrowned,“Iwish,I’d
betalkingtoyouaboutthisanditwouldn’tbeattheshittesttime,itwouldn’tmakeme
soundliketheworstpersonintheworldbecauseIamsoscaredforyourightnow.”He
saidandIfrownedathim,“I’mscaredbecauseyouobviouslythinkyouneedtolose
weightandifyoudothatyou’reputtingyourselfinsomuchdanger.”Hesaidthenhe
lookedup.“I’mscaredthatit’llgettoapointwhereIcan’tbewithyouanymorebecause
you’veputyourselfinsomuchdangerwithoutconsideration.”HesaidthenheturnedsoI
sighed,tookinalotofairandsaid;
“Iwasanorexic.”Heturned.
“What?”heaskedinareasonablyhighvoice.
“WhenIwasthirteen,Iwasdiagnosed,Iwasanorexic.Ittookmeaboutayearandahalf
tobeginarecovery.Iwasstillgoingthrougharecoverywhenyoumetme.Youhelped.
Technicallybecauseyoumademewanttogetbetter.”Isaidnoddingtohimthengoingto
himslowly,“TheDoctorsaidIwasdoingwell,justbeforeIturnedseventeenandhesort
ofleftmetomyowndevices.”Isaidnodding.
“Whyareyoudoingitagain?”HeaskedsoIshookmyhead,
“It’snotassimpleasthat.”IsaidthenIsatonthebed,“IknowI’mdoingit.
Unfortunately,I’mfullyawareofwhatI’mdoing,butIcan’treallystopit.Ijustcan’t
eat.”Isaidshakingmyheadathim,“BecausewheneverIeatitcomesbackupandIdon’t
knowhowtostopit.”Isaidshakingmyhead.“IfIdid.”IbeganthenIsqueezedmyeyes

shut.“IthinkI’dtryandstop.”
“Youthink?”herepeatedsoIlookedathim,
“Ibegantogainweight.Youwereright,Iwasconsciousaboutthat.IknewI’dgained
weightsoIwantedtogetitoff.Ihavegottenitoffnow,thenIjustcouldn’tstop.It’san
addiction.”Isaidshakingmyheadsohesighed.
“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”HeaskedsoIshookmyhead.
“Ididn’twanttoputyouoffmeoriginally.”Isaidandhesighedwhilstshakinghishead,
“Recently,Iwastooembarrassedtosayanything.”Isaidshakingmyhead,“I’m
relapsing,whichisthecompleteoppositeofwhatIhadplannedandIcan’tstopit.Ireally
can’tstopit.”
“Iwishyou’djusttoldme.”Hesaidwhilstrunninghishandupmyarm,“Ireallywish
you’djusttoldme.”Hesaid“Doesanyoneknow?”
“Mum.”Isaidnodding,“Sherecognisedit,she’sbeenkeepingahawkeyeonmesince
sherealised.”Isaidthenlookedathim,“Youhavetounderstand,I’mchoosingnottoeat
rightnowbecauseIdon’twanttothrowup.Irealiseit’sstupidanddangerousbutit’s
whatI’mneedingtodonow.WhenIgethomeI’mgoingtogoandseemydoctorand
he’llgivemearightbollocking.”Isaidnoddingashebeganrubbingmyback.
“HowdoIhelp?”heaskedfrowningatmesoIlookedathim,
“Idon’tknow.”Isaidshakingmyhead.“ItstartedbecauseIcouldn’thandlewhatwas
goingon.IwasbeingbulliedregularlybutIwasalsogoingthroughfiguringoutIwas
gay.It’ssadbecausemyparentsarelikethemostsupportiveever,Idon’tknowwhat
happened,Idon’tknowwhatwentoninmyidiotheadbutIbegantohatemyselfforit,so
Ibeganstarvingmyself.Iwantedtokillmyself.Thatwasmyintention.”Isaidnodding,
“ButIwastooscaredtodoitstraightoff.”Isaidthenlookedathim.“Oneofmyteachers
pickeduponitandcalledmyparentsforameeting.Shewantedtohelpthemcometo
termswithitfirstsothatwhenitgottome,everythingwasaboutme.AfterthatmeetingI
wasintherapywithinthreeweeks.”Isaidnodding,“That’swhenhetoldmethatitwas
becauseIcouldn’thandlebeingbulliedontopofpubertyanddiscoveringmysexuality.”
“Howisitcuredthen?You’renotonmedication,Iwould’vethoughtI’dhavepickedup
onthat.Hopefully.”
“No,it’scuredbytalking.IsatwithmyDoctorforhoursonendjusttalkingtohim,I
recoveredandjustcameoutofthebullyingwithanobsessiontobeclean.”Isaidnodding.
“Andyou.Icameoutofitwithyouaswell.”Isaidthoughtfullyandhesmiled.
“Whydoyouonlythinkyou’dtryandstop.”
“Idon’tknowifI’dbecompletelystrongenoughto.Idon’tknowifIcouldjuststopwhat
I’mdoing.”Isaidshakingmyhead.
“Butdoyouthinkitcouldbepsychological.”HesaidsoIlookedathimcuriously.
“You’retellingyourself,ifyoueatyou’llbesick,sowhenyoueatyouaresick.”Hesaid
curiouslysoIshrugged.
“Idon’tknow.Ijustdon’tknowanymore.”Isaidthensighed.
“I’mjustsickofthrowingup.”Isaidnodding,“ButIcan’tforcemyselftojusteat.You
getthat?Right?”Isaidsohenodded.
“Igetit.”Hesaidnodding,“Yes.”

DAYEIGHTEEN

“Whatdoyouwantforyourbirthday?”Iwhisperedlightly,seeingasOwenmovedhis

head.Wehadslept.Wehadbeenasleep,we’djustwokenupearlierthanusual.
“Nothing.”Hesaidthoughtfully.“Iaskedmyparentsforacar,theybothlaughed.”He
saidmakingmesmilelightly,“Butthatwasit.”headdednodding.
“Yourbirthdaypresentisinmybedroom.”Isaidslowly,thenlookedathim,“Iknow
exactlywhereitis,Icanseeit.”Iaddedandhelaughed,
“It’sokay.”Hesaidnodding,“I’lljuststopbyyoursonmywayhome.”HeaddedsoI
laughed,
“Icouldn’tdecidethisyear.Idon’tknowifyou’lllikeit.”Iaddedfrowning.“Christmas
washardenough.”Iaddedsohelookedatme,
“Youdon’thavetogetmeapresent.”HesaidsoInodded.
“Ido.IfIdon’tdoanythingelseallyearbesidescryandthrowup,youneedapresent.”I
saidmakinghimlaughalittlelouder.“Christmas,Valentinesandyourbirthday.”Isaid
nodding.
“Okay.Okayfine,whatdidyougetthen?”HeaskedsoIsatupslightlyandleantonhis
chestsoIcouldlookathimproperly.
“I’mnottellingyou.”Isaidshakingmyhead,“Becauseyougotthisamazingring.”Isaid
liftingthehandIhaditon,“IfeelasifI’vecheap-edoutonyou.”Isaidnoddingsohe
laughedsoftlywhilstrunninghishandsthroughmyhair,
“Ihighlydoubtyou’vecheap-edoutonme.”Hesaidnodding,thenhesmiledatme.
“Iwouldhavesexwithyou.”Isaidandhefrownedatme,
“What?”hesaidsoIshookmyhead,
“I’mjusttellingyou.Iwouldhavesexwithyou.WhichIthinkyouprobablyknow,butI
havethislittlenigglingfeelingthatit’dbewrongtohavesex.”Isaidthensighed,“Idon’t
knowwhy,though.”Iaddedandhesmiled.
“It’snotthatimportantthatwehavesex.Idon’tmind.Ialsosortofunderstandwhyyou
havethatnigglingfeeling.”Hesaidnodding,“HOWEVER.”HeaddedsoIfrownedat
him,“Youpromisedmemorningsexjustonce.”HeaddedsoIlaughedandleantmyhead
onhischest.
“I’msurprisedyoustillwanttosleepwithmeafterthestateI’vebeeninthelastfew
weeks.”Isaidandhesmiled.
“Yeah,butyou’remyhopelessmess.”Hesaidaffectionately.
“Aw.Owenyousaythenicestthings.”IsaidnoddingthenIsighed.“Ileftthecondomsin
mybag.”Isaidslowly.
“Waitareyouactuallyconsideringthis?”HeaskedsoIlaughed.
“I’mbeginningtoo,Iwasactuallythinking.”Isaidthenlookedathim.“Darrylgavemea
boxofacondomsandabottleoflubeformybirthday.”Isaidnodding,
“So,technicallyheapproves.”HerepliedsoIlaughed.
“Stoptryingtojustifyit.”Isaid,“YoucannotjustifyitwithDarryl.That’swrongand
weird.”

“Okay.Let’sfigureitout.”HesaidsoInoddedtohimslowly.“Doyouwanttohavesex
withOwen,yesorno?”
“Yes.”Isaidnodding.“Itstillfeelswrongthough.”Iaddedsohehummed.
“Why?”
“Becauseweshouldn’tbehavingsextwodaysafterafuneral.”Isaidthenshookmyhead,
“Iknowit’swarpedlogicbut.”
“No,Igetit.”hesaidthenheshrugged,“We’regoingtohavetocometoadecision
though,Imeanyourparentswillwakeupsoon.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,thenmoved
uphimsoIcouldkisshim.
“Canyoutop?”Iaskedlightlysohelaughedbuthenodded,
“Icantop.”Herepliedthenkissedmeagain,rollingussowewerelyinglookingateach
othe

r.

Iseemedtobecontent.Iwascontent,lyingonOwen’schestwithhisfingersrunning

downmyback.Iwasjustcontent.Iwasn’tthinkingaboutanything,atall;
“Youdon’tregretitright?”Owen’svoicedriftedthroughmycontent,soIlookedathim,
“What?”Iaskedfrowningathim,
“I’mjustmakingsureIdidn’tendupforcingyou.Iwantedtomakesureyoudidn’tregret
it.”Hesaidnoddingtome.
“No,noIdon’tregretit.”Isaidthenbeganpeckingkissesoverhischest–asifthat’dhelp
meprovemypoint.“Ifanything.”Ibeganthenranmynoseuphischest,“You’vejust
completelyrelaxedme.”Isaidnodding.“HappyBirthday.”Iaddedasaslight
afterthought,Iheardhislaughthenhekissedthetopofmyhead.
“Thankyouforhalfofyourpresent.”Hesaidnodding,“I’mcountingthisasapresent.”
Headded.
“Noted.”IsaidlightlythengrinnedathimasIheardthestairscreak,someonemusthave
beencomingdown,soweshuffledaround,clothingourselvesenoughtonotbe
suspicious.ThengotbackintobedasthedooropenedtoGrandmawithatray.
“Alittlebirdytoldmeitwasyourbirthday.”ShesaidandOwenlaughedwhilstnoddingto
her,“Soyougetthesametreatment.Hereyougolove.”Shesaidthenplacedthetrayon
theendofthebed,soOwendraggeditdown.
“Thankyou.”Hesaidsoftlyashesmiledatthebutteredcroissantsontheplate.Inabowl
howevernexttoitwasasortoffruitsaladkindofcombination.Therewasslicedapples
andbananas,afewgrapesandstrawberries.
“That’sforyou.”GrandmasaidnoddingtomesoInoddedbacktoherslowly.“Enjoy
boys.”SheaddedthenleftsoIlookedatOwenashefrowned,
“Givemethatlogicthen?”
“ShemustthinkI’mdieting,soisgivingmeahealthyalternativetoseeifIeatit.”
“Areyougoingto?”heaskedasherippedthecroissant.
“Ithinkso.”Isaidnodding.“Or,atleastI’mgoingtotryto.”Isaidwhilstpickingupthe
melonforkshe’dplacedalongsidethebowl.“Fruitcan’tbethatbad.Right.”Isaidwhilst
puttingagrapeontheendofthefork,thenbitingitoff.

Ididcompletethebowl,IateeverybitoffruitGrandmahadputintothebowl,butI

stillsawitrecreatedwhenIwentintothebathroomtobrushmyteeth.
“Didyou?”OwenaskedsoInoddedashesighedthencameandhuggedme,
“It’sweird.”HesaidsoIfrownedathimthenbegantogetdressed.“You’renotmaking
yourselfthrowup.”HesaidsoIshookmyhead,“You’renottakinganythingtomake
yourselfbesickandyou’renotforcingyourselftobe.”HesaidsoIshookmyhead,
“Ithinkit’smybody’spunishment.”Isaidthenlookedathimashefrowned,lookinga
littleconcerned,soIlightenmyexpression,“Iusedtomakemyselfsick,alot.ButnowI
don’twanttobe,I’mtryingtofightitsoit’shappeningbecauseofmetryingtofightit.If
thatmakessense.”Isaidsohenodded.
“Oh,youthinkit’skarma.”HesaidsoInoddedslowly,“Itcouldbe.”HesaidsoIcocked
myeyebrowsathim,“Karmafortellingyourboyfriendsquat.”HesaidsoIroundedmy
eyesathim,
“But,but.”Istruttedoversoheshookhisheadwhilstgrabbingme,
“StopitThaniel.”Hesaidlaughing,“Although,I’mnotjokingbecauseIdothinkinthe
fouryearsyoucould’vementionedthereasonyoudon’tlikemud,orthefactthatyou’ve
recoveredfromanorexiaor,”
“Okay.Okay,Igetit,I’mcrap.It’sfine.”Isaidsohesmiledthenhekissedmycheek.
“Ijust,itamazesme,wetalksomuch,butyouhardlysayanything.”
“Let’sgoupstairs.”Isaidsohelookedatme,“But,”Iaddedthenturnedtohim,“Please
don’tmentionanythingtoMumortoGrandmaoranything.I’vetoldyou,Mumknows
alreadysojust.”
“Okay.”Hesaidnoddingslowlytomethenfollowingmeoutthebedroom.

MyparentsandgrandparentshadbothboughtacardforOwen,whichheofcourse

statedthattheyhadn’tneededto,theysimplyshuthimupbytellinghimthatitwaspolite
tosaythankyouwhenreceivingsomethingunexpected.Hisparentsthencalledandhe
wasawaytalkingtothemforabouthalfanhour.Whenhereturnedheinformedmethat
theirfamilyholidayhadbecomeagirlsholidayandhisDadwasstayingbackhomewhilst
hisMum,hisAuntandhisGrandmawenttoGreeceforafortnight.
“Dadsaidhe’spleasedabouttherest,”HesaidnoddingsoIlaughedasmyDadnodded,
probablyinagreement.
“So,Owen,whatarewedoingtocelebrateyourbirthday?”MumaskedandOwenbegan
shakinghishead,
“Oh,nothing.Nothingneedstohappen.”Hesaid,
“Ridiculous.”Dadsaidshakinghishead.“Atleastletustakeyououtforsomethingto
eat.”HesaidsoOwensighed,lookingatme,knowinghewouldn’twinifheargued.
“Yeah,okay.I’llbehappywiththat.”HesaidsoDadnoddedsatisfied.
“Great.We’lldothattonight.”HesaidandOwennoddedasIlookedatMum,seeinga
reasonablycuriousexpressionbacksoIdroppedmyeyes,notwantingtofeelthelook.

WewentforasortofPublunchtypemeal,inaveryhomelyandcosypubrestaurant.

“Don’tforceyourself.”Owenwhisperedtomeaswebothlookedoverthemenu,which

promisedBigPlates,BigTaste,LowPrices!
“But,”Isaidbacksohefrownedatmewhilstshakinghishead,
“Don’t,haveastarterforyourmainorsomething,justdon’teattoomuch,otherwiseyou
mayexplode.”Hesaidwideninghiseyesanditoddlymademesmile.Ididashe
suggested,IhadtheNachostarterasmymainandtheWaiterwasveryhappyformetodo
that,IevenmanagedtosneakafewofOwen’schipswhenhewasn’tlooking.Ithowever
feltreallyodd.Itsatoddlyinmystomach,asifitdidn’tknowwhethertoacceptthefood
–whichallthingsconsideredwasinfactbigontaste–orwhethertorejectit.Itcouldn’t
seemtodecide,drinkingsomecoke,howeverdidNOThelp.ItmadeitbubblierandI
couldfeelasmystomachwasbubbling.
“Dowedarehavedesserts?”DadjokedandGrandmalaughedfondly.
“Ithinkwedo.I’mfullyintriguedofwhatthisyoungmandecidestohavebecauseit’s
beenovertwoweeksandIstilldon’tknowwhatsweetthingshelikes.”Shesaidand
Owenlaughedthenlookedoverthemenucuriously,
“IthinkI’vechosen.”Hesaidnoddingthenheldthemenuonaslightangleforme,soI
tookitandreadoverit,thenpasseditontoDad.
“NothingforNathaniel?”GrandmaaskedsoIshookmyhead,
“Nottonight,Idon’tthink.”IsaidthenIsmiledatherweakly,whichgavemetheexcuse
toplacemyelbowsonthetableandsitrunningmyhandsacrossthebackofmyneck.I
caughtMum’seyeagainthen,shewaslookingatmethoughtfullyasIranmyfingers
acrossmyhairline,butI’dseenherwhilstIwaseatingandsheseemedrelaxed,she
seemedhappywiththefactthatI’deatenanentireplateofnachos.So,partlyforhersake,
Iwantedtokeepthisentireplateofnachosinmystomach.
“Youknow,ifyouneedto,go.”OwensaidquietlysoIchangedmydirectiontohim,
“Iwillkeepitin.”Isaidnoddingtohim,“I’mdetermentto.”Iaddedsoheexhaledthen
henodded.
“Wouldyoulikemyicecreamtocoolyoudown?”heaskedsoIlaughedlightly,
“No,thankyou.”Irepliedmakinghimsmilelightly.“Whatareyouordering?”Iqueried,
“Applecrumble.”Hesaidnodding,thensmiled.“MyGrandma’sdish.”Headded
soundingpleased.

Wewalkedhome,wellOwenandIwalkedbacktothehouse,everyoneelsegotin

Dad’scar.I’dstatedthatIwasinneedofsomeair,andaswewereonlyreallyafifteen
minutewalkawayDadsuggestedwewalk,sowedid.
“Wouldyouthinkverymuchlessofme,”IbeganwhilstswingingOwen’shand,sohe
lookedatmeandfrowned,“IfIweretovomitinthatbush.”Isaidandheraisedan
eyebrowatme,
“Notlessofyou,no.”Herepliedslowly,“Butwecould’vehungbackandyoucould’ve
goneintothepubtoilet.”
“Yes,Irealisehowlogicalthat’dhavebeen.”Isaidnoddingthenlookedathimashelet
gomyhandandhe,becauseheknewmequitewell,didn’tfollowmeuntilheknewI
wouldwanthimtoo.
“Youdidwell.”Hesaidwhilstcrouchinginfrontofme,“Igenuinelythoughtyou’dkeep

itin.”Headded,
“SodidI.”Isaidashewentintohispocketthengavemeamintwhichmademesmile
lightly.
“Comeon.”Headdedwhilstofferingmehishand.“Iknewyoushould’vegoneinthe
pub,”
“Youdidn’tseehowhappymyMumwasthatI’deatenaplate.”IsaidthenIshookmy
head,“Besidesyoushouldn’tbehelpingmethrowup.”Iaddedandhelaughed.
“I’mnothelpingyouthrowup.”Hesaid,“I’mmerelymotivatingyoutokeepgoing.”He
saidsoInoddedtohim.
“YesOwen.”Isaidandhesqueezedmyhandaswebegandowntheactualpath.“Ilove
you.”IaddedbecauseIfeltitwasnecessarytosayit.
“Good.”Hesaidnodding,“Iloveyoutoo.”Hesaid,“Myhopelessmess.”Headded
makingmelaughaswequickenourpace.

DAYNINETEEN

Westartedthepackingprocessthenextmorning.I’mnotsurewhyaswewerestaying

foranothertwodays,butwejust,subconsciously,beganpackingourbags.Bothwitha
cupofcoffeesatonthebedsidecabinets.
“AreyourlivingarrangementssortedforUni?”OwenqueriedasItookawell-earnedsip
frommymug.
“Ithinkso.”Isaidsoftly,“I’minhalls,withfourotherpeople.”Isaidnodding,“Imovein
thesecondweekinSeptember.”Iaddedsohenodded.
“Andvisitinghoursare?”
“NovisitsafterelevenPM.”Isaidandgotatut.“It’lljustmakesleepoversmorefun.”I
saidandOwensmiled.“ButI’llprobablybehomeabitinthefirstfewweeks.”Isaidand
hefrowned,“Wellit’sobviousI’llendupbeinganoutpatientagain,I’llhavetogointo
hospitalonceaweekandI’dratherdothatfromhomethanfromhalls.”Isaidnoddingso
henoddedbackthoughtfully.
“Butwhatifthenightbeforethemdays,Isleptoverandtookyouwithme.Noonewould
know.”Hesaidanditmademegrinathimashesmiledback,
“Let’stalkaboutitinSeptember.”Isaidnodding,“Let’sgetthroughthenextfewdays,
theflightthenwecantalkaboutsleepingoverarrangements.”IsaidandOwengrinnedas
Isatonthebed,nexttomyholdallandfinishedthebottomofmymug.
“Howareyoufeelingtoday?”HeaskedsoIputathumbsupbecauseIwasfocusedonthe
remainingliquid.“Abouteverything?”heaskedsoIloweredthemugwhilstalsomaking
mythumbstraight.
“I’mhavingmyfiveminutesofsadness.”Isaidnodding,“ThinkingabouthowI’m
actuallygoingtoUniversityandDarrylisn’tgoingtobeabletogivemeallthelife
hacks.”Isaidthensmiledsadlyathim,“Everythingelsethough.I’mokay,Iguess.”
“Didn’tDarrylknowyou’dgottenin?”
“Ofcoursehedid,wejustdidn’ttalkaboutit.Really.”Isaidshruggingathim.“Wehad
anagreementthatsummerissummer.Younevertalkaboutschooloranysortoflearning
environment,it’spurelysummerbased.”IsaidthenIsmiled,“Fiveminutesisup.”I
addedandOwensmiledbackatme.
“Thesefiveminutesseemtobegettingshorter.”HesaidsoInodded,
“It’sbecauseI’vestoppedmakingallmemoriesbadmemories,welltechnicallysad
memories.I’vebeganrememberingthemashappy.”Isaidnoddingtohim,“Itiseasier.”I
added,“Andnicer.”IfinishedsoOwennodded.
“Well,thatisverytrue.”Hesaid.“Although,thinkingaboutitDarrylneverputmein
hospitalwithconcussionsoallminearereasonablyhappy.”Hesaidmakingmelaugh.
“Ihonestlydon’tevenrememberdoingthat.”Isaidandhebithislipobviouslyvery
amused.“IdorememberhavingabrokenarmthoughbutIneverknewhowI’dbrokenit.”
Isaidthenjustbeganlaughingbecauseitcompletelyamusedme.

IaccompaniedmyGrandmaandDadonatripintoLerwickthatafternoon,todothe

weeklyshop.OwenhadofferedtohelpGrandadwithwhateverlittlejobshehadaround
thehousetodosoIlefthim,ashewashappy.Itwasoddhowever,sittinginthebackof
Grandad’sfordfocusinsteadofthefourbyfour.
“Nathanielyou’reonpickingteasforthenexttwodays.”GrandmasaidsoIturnedand
lookedtowardsherthenfrowned,
“Igenuinelydon’tthinkthat’swise.”Isaid,“I’mnotgoodwithfood.”IaddedandDad
laughed.
“He’sgoodatbeansthough.Onlyburntthemonce.”HeaddedsoIlookedathiminthe
rear-viewmirrorseeinghisslightsmile.
“Wehaven’thadyourteathistime.Wehaven’thadyourpiehavewe.”ShesaidsoI
shookmyhead,
“No,butit’sokay.Iforgiveyou.”Isaidandshescoffedatme,
“You’reatGrandma’syoumusthaveyourpie.”ShesaidsoIsighed.
“Wellhowaboutwehaveitthenightbeforewego.Asafarewellmeal?”Iqueried,asit
gavemeanothertwodaystopracticekeepingfooddown.Ireallylikedgrandma’spieand
DIDNOTwanttorecreateit.“Wecouldhavesteakpietonight.”Iaddedandsawa
reasonablyconfusedexpressiononGrandma’sface.“Owen’sfavourite.”Isaidandshe
hummed.“Steakpieandchips.”Isaidnodding.Sheseemedtoagreewiththatandit
helpedme,itmeantOwenwouldbetentimesmorelikelytobeunabletoresistfinishing
myplate.
“Andtomorrow?”SheaskedsoIhummed,tryingtothinkofmoremealsOwencouldn’t
resist.
“Bakedpotato.”Isaidnodding,“Withassortedtoppings.”Iaddedandshehummed.
“Goodchoices.”ShesaidnoddingsoIlookedatDadwhowassmilingatmeintherear-
viewmirror.DadandIsortofwentastraywhenwegotintotheshop.Grandmawasvery
mucha‘let’smakeeverythingfromscratch’kindofperson,sospentalotoftimehovering
aroundrawingredients,notsayinganythingbecauseshewassayingitallinherhead.So
wewanderedoff,well,technicallyDadwanderedoffbecauseIwentwithhim.Wewalked
aroundtheclothessection,theDVD’sthegames,thebooks,theelectronics,thenwe
begantowalkinandoutoffoodaisles.
“HowareyoufeelingNathaniel?”DadqueriedsoIshruggedathimwhilstslippingmy
thumbsintomypockets–myjeanswheretootighttoallowmyentirehandtogointomy
pocket,I’djustaboutgottenmyphonein,althoughIdidendupputtingitinmyback
pocketforprecautions.
“Better.”Isaidnodding,“Well,”Iaddedfrowningupathim,“Okay.”Isaidnoddingas
webegandownthebabyaislewhichhadnappiesanddummiesalloverit.“Areyou
okay?”
“AsIcanbe.”Hesaidnoddingthenraisedaneyebrowatme,“We’regoingtodothis
together.”Headded,“We’reallgoingtogetbackintonormalitytogether.”
“Butitwon’tbenormal.”Isaidpointingathimsohesighed,
“Butit’llbeanewnormal.”Hesaidnoddingasweturnedandbegandownthelightbulb
aisle.
“True.”Irepliedlightly,

“Areyousleepingagain?”HeaskedsoInodded,
“BeingwithOwenhelps.”IsaidthenfeltasIblushedslightly,
“ThenwhyNathaniel,doyoustilllooklikeyouhaven’tsleptforweeks.”Heaskedwhilst
turningmeintheaisleandusingmychintoliftmyhead,soIfrownedathim.
“You’refullofcompliments.”Irepliedthencrossedmyarmsovermystomach.I’dworn
oneofmybigger,woollenjumperstohidethefactIwasmoreonthedangerousskinny
side,notthehealthyskinnyside.
“Itry.”Hesaidnodding,thenknockedmychin.“Hashityouhard,hasn’tit?”hesaidsoI
noddedslowly.
“Yeah.”Isaidthenshrugged,“It’snotexactlysomethingyoucanplanfor.”Isaidandhe
smiledweakly.
“No,noitisn’t.”hesaidthenlookedaroundtheaislewewerein,probablytryingtothink
ofajokeorsomesortofhumorouswordplaysowedidn’tbothbreakdowninthemiddle
ofasupermarket.
“NeedsomeSon?”HesaidsoIfrownedathimthenfollowedhiseyeline,instantly
puttingmyheaddownandshakingmyheadathim.
“Ohhowdespicable.”IsaidandhelaughedasIlookedbackathim,“Resortingto
embarrassing.Isn’tthatjustlow?”
“Shutup.”Hesaidlaughingthenpushedmyshouldertogetmetokeepwalking,whichI
did.
“Ihaveplenty,bytheway.”Isaidnoddingwhilstfoldingmyarms,thenIglancedathim
ashescowledmelightly,
“Good.Thatmeansyou’renotusingthem.”Herepliedmakingmecoughoutinshock
gettingalaughback,asweturneddownanotheraislewhichwasmostlyboxedfoodand
cans.ThenIwalkedoff,becauseIsawsomethingthatIprobablyshouldget,although
didn’twanttohavetoget,Dadhoweverfollowedbehind,frowningatmelightlyasI
went.Thensighedoncehestoodbehindme,soIturnedtolookathimandsortof
apologisedwithmyexpression.
“When?”Heasked,“WasitDarryl?”hequeriedasIshookmyheadthenpickedupa
roundedboxofmilkshakepowder.
“No,noitwasn’tDarryl.”Isaidshakingmyhead,“Itwasbefore.”Isaidnoddingthen
holdingtheboxtomychestandfeelingasheplacedhishandonthebackofmyneck.
“Butthisisprogress.”Isaidnoddingsohehummed,soundingveryunamused.Thefirst
timearound,wediscovered,quicklythatIkeptliquidsdownbetter,soMumsettowork,
tryingtofindafoodsupplement,weofcoursecameacrossallthetoddlermilkandinfant
milk,butthenshefoundacompanythatmademilkshakeswithallthenutrition’sinthem.
I,mostlyhadthem,nearlyforeverymealinadayuntilIwasbraveenoughtotryactual
solidfoodagain.
“Grandma’sgoingtomakeyoueat,yourealise?”HeaskedsoInodded,

“Yeah,butevenifthatdoesn’tendupwell,Iwon’tbestarvingmyself.”Isaidand

heardhislighthum.
“Wellthat’sonesilverlining.”Hesaidnodding.

Grandmahadmadeasteakpiethatnight,whenwesatdowntotea,IsawasOwen’s

facelitup,thenhelookedatme.
“You’rescheming.”Hesaidnodding,soIlaughedwhilstrestingmyhandonmychest,
“Me.”Isaiddramaticallyasheshookhisheadandputsaltonhischips.Onmyplate
seemedtobehalfapie,Iwasn’tquitesurewho’dgottentheotherhalforevenifsomeone
had–andahandfulofchips.SoIatethechips.Onebyone,Idippedtheendfurthestfrom
meintotheketchupandIatethechips,butnowontopofMum,GrandmaandOwen,Dad
wasalsowatchingmeeat.Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifGrandadwasjustwatchingmeeatfor
thehellofit!IhoweverseemedtohavejustsympathyfromDad,Mum’sexpression
howeverwasgettingmorefrustratedandsheseemedtosnapwhenIturnedmyplate
aroundsoOwencouldtakethehalfofmypie.
“YourgrandmotherhasmadethatforyouNathaniel.”ShesaidsoIlookedather,frowned
atherslightly,“Iexpectyoutoeatit.”
“ButI…can’t.”Isaidalittlewarily,wehadn’ttoldGrandmaandGrandadaboutthefirst
timearound,wedidn’ttellmostofourrelatives.Darrylonlyknewbecauseitbegan
happeningbeforehemovedaway,buthedidn’ttellourgrandparents.Dadthoughtitwas
bestnottotellthemandupsetthem.
“Wellyouwilltry.”ShesnappedbacksoIshookmyhead,
“Youknowit’snotaseasyasthat.”Ireplied,“Youknow.”Isaidasshesighedannoyed.
“Youarewastingtoomuchfood.”Shesaid,“It’shurtingherfeelings.”ShesaidsoI
turnedtolookatGrandmawhowaslookingcuriouslybackatMum.
“Isit?”Iaskedsoshelookedatmeandinstantlysoftenedhergaze.
“No,nodear.It’snothurtingmyfeelings.Justconfusingmybrain.”Shesaidsmilingat
me,“You’veneverreallynotatemyfoodbefore.”ShesaidsoIsighed.
“Iamsorry.”IsaidandshenoddedtomeasIturnedbacktoMumwhowasshakingher
head.
“That’snotenough,atallNathaniel.Youneedtostarteating,youneedtofinishyourtea.”
“Ican’t”IrepliedagainandsawasDadandOwenexchangedalook,averyoddlook
whichdisplayedthattheywerebothveryuncomfortableandconfused.
“No,youdon’twantto.”ShesaidandInarrowedmyeyes.
“Ohbelieveme,Idowantto.”Isaid,“ButIactuallycan’t.”IsaidthenIsatbackonthe
chairfoldingmyarmsacrossmychest.
“Eatyourtea!”ShesnappedsoIshookmyhead,
“NO!”Isnappedback,thenlookedatOwenwhowasslowlyshakinghisheadatmesoI
sighedandunfoldedmyarms.
“NOW!”ShesaidsoIfrownedather,
“WHY?”Iarguedback,becauseIcouldn’tthinkofanythingelsetosaythatwouldn’t
makemesoundlikeawhinychildwhowasn’tgettingtheirway.“Why?WhydoIhaveto
finishmytea!Why?”IsaidsoundingangrierasIdid.
“BecauseIdon’twanttoloseanotherson!”ShesnappedbackatmeandIjustlooked
backatherasshesighedandlookedaroundthetable.
“Nadine.”Dadsaidcautiously,soshelookedathimthenshookherhead.
“MayIbeexcusedfromthetable,forafewminutes?”SheaskedandGrandadnoddedto
hersosheleft,

“AmIintrouble?”Iqueried,becauseIgenuinelywasn’tsure,butDadshookhishead.
“No,noyou’renotintrouble.”Herepliedthenhesighed,“We’realljustunderalotof
pressure.It’snoteasyonanyofus.”HesaidasGrandadstoodtotakealltheplates.
“I’mnothurtingyourfeelingsamI?”IaskedsoGrandmashookherhead,
“No,noNathaniel,dear.Ijustwishtobeinformedifsomeone’sdietchanges.”Shesaidso
Inodded,“Whatisit?Haveyougonevegetarian?Veganmaybe?Glutenintolerance?”
SheaskedsoIshookmyheadather,
“No.It’snothinglikethat.”Isaid,“Sorry,I’mjustbeingawkward.”Isaidfrowningat
myself,
“Noyou’renotNathaniel.You’renotbeingawkward.”Dadsaidshakinghishead,
“Isitgrief?”SheaskedsoIlookedatDadwhonoddedonce,averyslightmovementsoI
noddedback.
“Yes,sorry.”Isaidandsheshookherhead,
“DonotapologiseNathaniel.Iwillnotacceptit.Now,willtheotherhalvesofthetable
likesomedessert?”Sheaskedandgotthreenodswhichmadehersmile,thenstandand
leavetheroomsoIlookedatDadwhoshookhisheadatmelightly.IlookedatOwenwho
exhaleddeeply.
“Thatwasintense.”HesaidnoddingsoIlaughedbecausehemademe,hehardlydid
anythingbuthestillmademelaugh.

ItseemedDadbeatmetogrovellingtoMum,heseemedtofindherfirst,soIheld

back,sonottomakethingsworse.
“Mummaderedvelvet.Icouldn’teatitknowingitwasyourfavourite.”HesaidsoI
lookedintotheroomandhewasholdingthecakeuptoher,smilingatherhappilyuntil
shebrokeandshelaughedtakingabitofthecake.“Wewon’tloseNathaniel.”Hesaidso
shesighed,“He’sfartoostubbornforthat.”HeaddedandshelaughedasIdid,“Andasif
Owenwillallowhimoutofhissightlongenoughforustolosehim.”HeaddedandMum
sighed,
“Itjustgottoomuch.”Shesaid,“I’vebeenwatchinghimallweek,he’snottaking
anythinginandIknowheisn’tbingeeating.Iknowheisgenuinelytakingnothinginand
theamountoftimesI’veheardhimthrowingup,tellsmeheisn’tkeepinganythingin
either.”ShesaidasDadtookhisownpieceofcake.“Isnapped.”Sheadded,“Iwantmy
sonback.”Sheadded,“Iwantbothofmysonsback.”ShesaidsoDadshookhishead,
“Nathanielhasn’tgoneanywhereNadine.It’snotlikethefirsttime,we’renotlosinghim,
heisfullyaware,heisonehundredpercentwithus.”Hesaidnoddingtoher.
“WhendidyoufindoutJames?”Sheaskedsohesighed,
“Today,”Hesaidnodding,“Hepickedupmilkshakepowder.”Headdedandsheseemed
surprised.
“Onhisownfreewill?”Sheaskedsohenodded,
“Hewantstogetbetter,hereallydoes,somuchthatit’sactuallyquitesadtosee.”Hesaid
shakinghishead,“Buthecan’tgetbetterifeitherofusaresnappingathim.”Hesaidand
shescowledhimlightlywhichmadehimsmileandpushthecakeclosertoher.“Wehave
toworkwithhim,notagainsthimandespeciallynow,especiallynowhisbigbrothers…”

hebeganthenswallowedsoMumnodded.
“ImisshimJames,somuch,hewasmybaby.”ShesaidandhenoddedtoherasIbegan
tomoveaway,becausethecomfortinghadbecomeapersonalmomentandIwasn’t
welcomethereanymore.
“Whydoesn’titsurprisemethatyouchosechocolate?”Owensaidashecametowardsme
withabigplasticglass,“Likethereisnotoneounceofsurprise.”Hesaidshakinghishead
andofferingmethemilkshake.
“Howkind,youmademedinner.”Isaidandhelaughed,
“Iwascurious,soImadesome.Enjoy.”HesaidsoIsmiledathim,kissinghischeek
beforetakingasipoutofmyglass.

DAYTWENTY

AfewofDarryl’sfriendscamearoundtomygrandparentsjustbeforedinner,telling

ustheyweregoinguptheclifftohaveavigil.Wewereobviouslymorethanwelcometo
comeifwewantedto.Sowedid,allgettinggivenacandleandfollowinghisfriendsas
theywalkedupthecliffthathedroveupregularly.They’dcloseditofftoensurethatall
remainsfromtheaccidenthadbeencompletelyremoved,itwasstillinaccessibletocars,
butpeoplecouldwalkfreelysinceyesterday.Theyareplanningonreopeningthecliffto
driversinthenextweek,buteveryonehadbeguntofindalternativeroutessonowitwas
completelydesertedbesidesthegroupofabouttwentywhowerenowreachingthetop.
“Darryllovedhiscliff.”Oneofhisfriends,Rhyssaidafterwe’dallstationedourselves.
“Why?Becausehealwaysusedtosayyouseetwodifferentworlds.”Hesaidnodding,
“YoulookonewayandseetheNorthSea,youlooktheotherandseetheNorwegian.That
washisfavouritefactonhistour.Besidesofcoursethenumberofsheephecouldrecite.”
Hesaidandtherewasalightlaugh.
“Idon’tthinkI’veevermetsomeonewholovedtheirjobasmuchasDarryldid.”Another
friend,Byronsaid,“Hehadfartoomuchloveforhisjob.Hejustlovedbeinginthatcar,
upthiscliff.”Hesaidandweallinstantlyagreed.
“Forsomeonewhodidn’tgrowupintheShetland’shesurebelongedhere.”Athird,Daisy
said.“HecouldrecitefactsthatI’dneverevenheardinmytwenty-fiveyearslivinghere.”
Shesaidshakingherheadfondly.
“Buthedidalsomakesureweknewhowmuchhemissedbeingathome.”Rhyssaid,“He
alsotoldmehowmuchhemissedhislittlebrother.”HesaidsoIlookedathim,
“Henevertoldus,thathislittlebrotherwastallerthanhimthough.”Daisyaddedandit
mademelaugh.
“Healwaystalkedaboutwhathe’dbedoingifhewerebackhome.”Byronsaidnodding,
“He’dgooffintothoughtthensayworkinginthecitywasboring,there’snoponies.”He
saidandwealllaughedopenly.
“Istillhaven’tcompletelyrealisedhe’sgone.”Daisysaidwhilstlookingathercandle,“It
hasn’tquitereachedmymemorythathewon’trandomlyappearinmylivingroom
declaringwehaven’tseeeachotherfortoolong.”ShesaidthenlookedatByronwhowas
shakinghishead.
“BillyJoel’swordshavebeengettingmethroughthelastweek.”Hesaidnoddingthen
lookedatRhyswhosmiledweakly.
“Onlythegooddieyoung.”Hesaidnoddingthenlithiscandleandbegantopassthelight
aroundthecirclewe’dstoodin,bypressingthewickstogether.Owenpressedhisagainst
mineandasIpressedmineagainstDad’sIfeltasOwen’sarmslidaroundmywaist,
holdingmeslightlyclosertohim.SoIleantmyheadagainsthis,holdingmycandlewith
bothhands.
“Okay?”hewhisperedsoInoddedtohim,
“Iam,”Isaidnodding,“I’mokay.”Isaidsoheleanthisheadonmyshoulderandlistened
withmeasmoreofDarryl’sfriendsspokeabouthim.Rememberedthingsabouthim.

Whentheyfinished,westoodtogetherforaminutethenallblewoutourcandles.Thenhis
friendscameandtalkedtous.Iknewsomeofthem,becauseIwasalwaysDarryl’sspare
partandinsistedhetakemeeverywherebutmyparentshardlyknewanyofthem,butthey
stilltalkedtothemandlistenedtotheirstories.
“Nathaniel.”Daisysaidcomingtomeandhuggingme,soOwenletgooffmelettingme
hugherback.“Whyonearthhaveyougrownsomuch?”SheaskedlaughingsoIlaughed
myself,
“Becauseit’sbeenlikethreeyears.”Isaidandgothitlightly.
“Cheekyboy.”Shesaidshakingherhead,“Whatareyounow?Eighteen?”SheaskedsoI
nodded.
“Justabout.”Isaidthensmiledatherlightly,
“Washethereforyourbirthday?”SheaskedsoInodded,
“Heboughtmecondoms.”Isaidandshelaughedthenhuggedmeagain,
“Soundslikehim,yes.”ShesaidnoddingthenlookedatOwenandraisedacurious
eyebrow.
“Now,you’renotrelated.”ShesaidandOwenshookhisheadwhilstsmiling,“Friend?”
SheaskedsoIlookedathim,
“Ithinkhe’dbeoffendedifIcalledhimmyfriend.”Isaidandgotalightoh.
“Boyfriend.”Shesaidsohenodded,“Hello,boyfriend.”Shesaidthenshookhishand
whichgotasmileback.
“Owen.”Hesaidandshenoddedtome,
“GoodworkthereNathaniel.”Shesaidmakingmelaughassheturnedthenexcused
herself.

Westoppedatthepubonthewaydownthecliff,allgettingadrink,halftowarmus

up,halftocalmusdown.
“Doyouthinkwe’rereadytogohome?”Dadasked,“Ordoyouthinkmoredaysare
needed?”HeaskedsoIlookedatOwen,Owenwhowasso,soreadytogohomebut
wouldneverdaresayhewas.
“IthinkI’mreadytogohome.”IsaidsoDadnoddedwhilstlookingatOwenhimself.
“Wouldyoucomeback?”HeaskedsoOwenblinkedathimasIleantmyhandonhis
thigh,sittingbackbutleavingmyhandonhim,
“Iwouldloveto,”Hesaidnodding,“Hopefullywithlessdrama.”HeaddedandDad
coughedalaugh.
“OhIthinkweallwantlessdrama.”Hesaidnodding.“Youknow,”Hebeganthen
thoughtaboutthesentence,“Youcancomeanytime.”Hesaid,Ithinktomebutdirected
toOwenwhosmiledlightlyasIsqueezedmyhand.
“You’rethekindofpersonwho’dlovehereinthewinter.”IsaidandOwenlaughed.
“Idon’tdoubtthat.”Hesaidnodding,“LikeIreallydon’t.”Hesaidamused.“Christmas?”
heaskedsoIhead-buttedhisarmlightly.
“Let’sgethomefromoursummerholidayfirst.”Isaidandhelaughedwhilstpickingback
uphisdrink.

“IsitoddthatIthinkthatlooksreallynice?”Owensaidaswesatatthecoffeetable,

himwithtwopiecesofbutterytoastandmewithahalfpintofmilkshake.
“It’sjustamilkshake.”Isaidlaughingslightlytakinganothersipoutmystrawthen
runningitaroundthecirclesoitwasfacinghim.“Goon.”Iaddedsohemovedalittle
closeranddidso,humminglightly,
“Andwhatdoesitdo?”

“Helpsyougainweight.”Irepliedwhilstraisingmyeyebrowsathimashethought.

“Doesn’tanormalmilkshake?”HeaskedsoIlaughed,
“Therightkindofweight.”Isaidwhilstrunningthestrawbackaround.“Thismilkshake
isn’tmadeoutofthecutoffsfromtheburgers.”Isaidandhescrunchedhisnosein
disgust.
“Ew.”Hesaidmakingmesmilelightly.“So,thisismealreplacement?”heaskedandI
noddedslowly,
“Technically,yeah.”Isaid,“Foodsupplement.It’sfoodbutmybrainisn’tregisteringthat
it’sfoodsoit’skeepingitin.”IsaidthenIsmiledhappilyathimmakinghimlaugh
lightly.
“Thisisawholenewworld.”Hesaidthoughtfullywhilstrippingthetoastinhalftoeatit.
“Butitisn’treallyshining,simmering,splendid.”Isaidthenshruggedathimathehitmy
shoulderlightly.
“WhatarewegoingtodoNathaniel?Wehavelessthanthirty-sixhoursleft,whatarewe
goingtodo?”heaskeddramaticallysoIlookedathim,thenIhummed.
“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”Iaskedsoheshruggedlightly.
“SomethingIcouldonlydohere.Ormaybethat’stoovague.SomethingIwillenjoy.”He
saidthoughtfully,
“That’sdifficult.”Isaidfrowningathim,
“Really?”herepliedsoInodded.
“Wecould,”Ibeganthenlookedathim,“Bereallyadventurous.”IsaidandsawIcaught
hiscuriosity.“Andgoonaverylongjourney.”Isaid,“Upmountains,throughwoods,in
caves,underground.”Icontinued.“Itwillbelong.ItwillbedifficultbutIthinkwemight
getthere.”Isaidandhenodded,
“TheHobbit,one,two,three?”HeaskedsoIsmiledathim.
“One,two,three.”Irepliednoddingandmakinghimlaughslightlybutnodtome.
“Let’sdoit.”

DAYTWENTY-ONE

“Well,thatwasalongholiday.”DadsaidashebegantopackthecarwithOwen’s

help,Iwassatonthedoorstep,chewingthetopofthestrawthatwasinmynowempty
glass.
“Butdiditfeellikeaholiday?”OwenaskedandDadlookedathimthenshookhishead,
“Let’sbehonestkid,”HesaidsoOwennoddedthenturnedtolookatme,smilinghappily
atmeasIplayedwiththestraw.
“MyDadcalled,”Owensaidcomingandcrouchinginfrontofme,“HerequestswhenI
gethome,Ispendatleastonedayinmyhouse.”HesaidsoIspatoutmystraw.
“Whataruderequest.”IsaidshakingmyheadsoOwennoddedslowly,
“Iknow.Soinconsiderate.”HesaidsoIsmiled,
“Ithinkwhenwegethome,I’mgoingtosleepfortwenty-fourhours.”Isaidnodding,
“Withmilkshakebreaks.”Iaddedandhelaughed,thenkissedmyforehead.
“I’llmakemyselfavailabletoaccompanyyoutotheDoctors.”HesaidsoIshookmy
headathimwhilstlaughingslightly.
“Ireallydon’tneedyoutoseemegettingabollocking.”Isaidandhegrinnedlightly.
“Fairenough.”Hesaidnodding,
“Iwillinformyouofeverythingthathappens.ButIdon’tthinkI’dwantyouthere.I’llbe
embarrassedenoughasitis.”Isaidmakinghimsmile,
“Fine,fine.”Hesaiddramatically,“Ithoughtallwasequal,butobviouslyIwaswrong.”
HesaidsoIkickedhimmakinghimlaugh.“I’llgoandgetourbags.”Hesaidnodding,
“Beforeourrelationshipbecomesabusive.”HesaidwhilstrubbinghisshinsoIsmiledat
himangelicallyslidingacrossthedoorstepsohecouldstepthroughthedoor.

GrandmahadmadetheTurkeyandLeakpieforourlasteveningmealtogether.She

madeitwithpotatoesandalotofvegetablesbutgaveittomeinalittlepiepot.Shedidn’t
bothertryingtofillaplate,shegavemethethingsheknewI’dtryandeat.WhichIdid
andIenjoyedandIevenmanagedtosatisfymyfoodwatchers,whooncetheysawme
actuallyeatingthepie,eruptedintoconversation,soIlookedatOwenwhowasactively
takingpartintheconversationwhilstalsocuttinguphispotatoes.Thenhelookedbackat
mewhilstheatethebitofpotatoonhisfork.
“Alright?”hewhisperedlightlysoInoddedtohim,
“Honestly.”Isaidthensmiledathim,“Neverbetter.”Irepliedandhegrinnedsomewhat
triumphantly.
“Yay.”Hesaidwhilstraisinghisknifeandfork,makingmelaughthenturnbacktothe
conversationtoactuallyjoininwithit.

Grandaddroveustotheairportafterwe’dofficiallypackedawayeverything–

includingdinner.WeallgaveGrandmaabighugpromisingthatwe’dbebackfor

Christmasthengotintothecar,drivingthroughallthegreeneryandaroundthepony
farmsandsheepherds.IwatchedasOwenwatchedtheoutsidespassingby,Ihowever
soongrewtiredandleantmyheadonhisshoulder,feelingashisfingerslightlydrew
patternsonmylegs.Mybodyhadjuststopped,stoppedreacting,stoppedeverything.We
weregoinghome.Sure,itwashometolearnwhatthenewnormalwas,hometoa
completelydifferentkindofhome.Butitwasmyhome.Ihadfinallybegantoletmyself
relax,tostoptensing,tostopworrying.Doingsohadallowedmyeyestobegintoclose
andIletit.Iletsleepandbeingjustcontenttakemeaway.

Iwasonlyreallyawokentomovefromcartoplane,thenIwasallowedtoslipintoa

sleepontheplane.Ionly,reallywokeagainwhenOwenshiftedbecausewewere
beginningtolandbackinScotlandandhisarmmust’vebeenverynumbbynow.
“Youweren’tkiddingwhenyousaidyou’dsleepfortwenty-fourhours.”HesaidsoI
shookmyheadwhilstkeepingmyeyesclose.
“No,Iwasn’t.”Irepliedthenopenedoneeyewarily,lookingathimthenclosingitagain,
makinghimlaugh.
“YourDadsaidweareliterallyminutesawayfromthehotelforthenight.”HesaidsoI
openedbotheyesandnoddedtohimlightlythenactuallysatup,yawningasIdidand
makingOwenyawn.
“Oi,stopitthat’scontiguous.”Hesaidmakingmegrinastheplanestoppedandpeople
aroundusbeganpreparingtogetoff.
“Igenuinelydon’tthinkthere’llbealatenightrendezvoustonight.”IsaidandOwen
shookhisheadwhilstyawninghimself.
“Icompletelyagree.”Hesaidnodding,“You’remakingmetojustwantsleep.”Headded
soIsmiledathimthenfollowedmyparentsofftheplane.Backtoourcar,myDad’scar
thathadbeensatintheairportcarparkforthetwenty-onedays.

WestayedinthesamehotelwehadwhenweweregoingtotheairportandMum,

OwenandIstillmanagedtostandandbeamusedbythemulti-usevendingmachine,until
Dadcameuptouswiththeroomkey,passingittoOwen.
“Youtwolooklikeyoucoulddowithanearlynight.”HesaidandIverymuchagreed
withthestatement.“Roomforty-sevenIbelieve,”hesaidnodding,“We’llseeyouinthe
morning.”HesaidthensmiledatMumandwentwithhertowardsthebarandrestaurant
asIlookedatOwenwhowasfrowningatthekeycard.
“Wow.”HesaidsoInoddedtohim,
“Wow.”Irepeated,“Yes.”Iaddedandhebeganlaughing,takingmyhandandleadingme
downtoroomforty-seven.

THEEND

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

I’ma19YearOld,Dyslexicwriterwhowantstomakeitbig.Ibeganwritingatage15

duringaEnglishLesson,gettingmyfirsteverAinEnglishfromthefirstchapterofmy

firststoryChoreography,sincethenIhavegoneontowritemanyshortstories,poemsand

books.

Itendtowritestorieswithstronggaycharacters,usingavastamountofextraordinary

charactersandoccasionallyalittlestereotypical.

Allmystoriesmainlyfocusonself-worthandcourageandfeelingdamngoodabout

yourself.

R.JSeeley