21 Confident Conversation Tactics
& For The Man Who Is Ready To Win
Women s Adoration and Admiration.
We have discussed in the previous modules what your inner Mindset
Mantras should be to increase your daily confidence.
Here, I want to add Conversational Commitments - or Tactics - to
increase your conversational acuity. You ll see that I have added very
specific techniques so you ll know exactly what to say and how to say
it.
The point of this whole program is not to  give you confidence.
Only you can give yourself confidence.
The point is to give you the mental, physical, and vocal practices that
will help you relentlessly build your own natural and commanding
confidence.
It won t all happen in a day, but if you stay with the Mindsculpting
Mantras and the Conversational Tactics you re about to read, I
promise that you will not only feel different, but women will react to
you completely differently.
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Remember  confidence is a feedback loop involving behavior and
response to behavior  so every effort in the right direction supports
your journey into being a powerful presence with women.
Note: I have listed these Commanding Confidence
Conversational Commitments in the language of self-
assertion. This is the language in which you should
learn them, repeat them to yourself, and make them a
natural part of your mindset. If you need to, print
them out to review before you go to a social event.
Confident Conversation Tactic #1:
 I own my will, and I do not apologize.
& From now on, I assert myself - my thoughts, feelings and will -
with boldness. As long as my intentions are not grounded in hate or
fear, but rather in benevolence, love, and protectiveness, I own my
actions and my speech  without fail, without hesitancy, without
apology.
Look, if you have hurt someone because you were acting out of ego or
fear - apologize!
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But do not apologize for  yourself and do not explain your
choices or behavior.
As a former Stanford teacher of writing and as a screenwriter for
years, I am extremely sensitive to language  which has been very
helpful for me to help identify where men are leaking insecurity.
Following are three ways in which men subconsciously communicate
their lack of self-confidence.
Remove these from your speech patterns right away:
1. Using diminishment words. It s in the culture, so it s not
your fault. A confident man uses words carefully, and each as a
tool to communicate his meaning. He doesn t diminish his will,
intent and power by using words like  kind of  sort of and  a
little. Also avoid  like - as in  like, I was all at this
bar. Speak with direct language. If you choose your words
carefully and without filler words, you will be seen as a man
who values your communication. You will be more widely
perceived as a man worth listening to.
2. Don t change your mind instantly to please another. If
you state an opinion, stay with it for the moment. If someone
offers an interesting counter argument, you can absolutely say,
 that s very well said; I m going to think that over. If they just
offer a counter-taste, as around some kind of music or food,
don t change. If you REALLY have an opinion around
something, stay with it.
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3. The interrogative voice-lift. It s amazing. It s a feminine
trait that has found its way into men s speech patterns. When
asking a question in the English language, it s normal for one s
voice tone to naturally rise. However, this tone-rising has
leaked its way into everyday conversation outside of questions.
You can hear it in the classic,  Once& I went to band camp& ?
 The voice raise at the end of your sentence is a way of  asking
a person to stay involved  rather than stating something with
masculine firmness. So watch the tone of your voice at the end
of your sentences. Focus on ending with a downward rather
than an upward intonation.
For me, there is an iconic moment in the movie  Get Shorty , where
Travolta asserts his totem line,  Look at me, and Hackman asks,
 Why should I look at you? Travolta simply answers,  Because I
want you to.
 Because I want you to.
This clean assertion of will, by a man who has a plan, confidence, and
just plain balls in the face of the unknown, gathers everyone he meets
into his orbit. He doesn t explain his behavior. He doesn t boast or
try to prove anything  in his case, that s because he knows his
internal abilities. He doesn t really show a lot of violence, even when
confronted.
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His strength is in his confidence, and his confidence is in his skill of
knowing others. His assumption is that you will either play his game
successfully, or you will eventually lose, and he can very quickly tell
which way you will go.
The important takeaway is that you genuinely must not care if a
woman likes you or not. Your job is to be your best self, the self you
are most proud of, most comfortable being. Assert your needs and
wants and following up on them no matter what others do. Do not
shift course to suit others.
There was a woman who I met in France. When I told her I was going
off without her, she asked,
 But don t you want to get to know me better?
My answer was simply:
No.
I offered no explanation beyond that.
 I shall hereby remove the term  sorry or  I m
sorry from my speech (unless I am actually
apologizing).
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You d be amazed how often men and women subconsciously
apologize for themselves  you can hear it in their speech.  I m sorry,
I didn t mean to interrupt  Sorry, but you do you have a
match?  Sorry, can I ask you a question?
Take out all language that diminishes you, that makes you small,
tentative, apologetic,  less than. Simply doing that will make you a
much more powerful, direct speaker. Here are some words to
ACTIVELY remove from your conversations&
Maybe, might, somehow, hope, no offense but, just saying, a
bit, kind of, sort of, probably,  I ll try &
Confident Conversation Tactic #2:
 I commit to vigorously creating new social
circles.
Use Meetup.com to create new friendships. Check out the singles
groups or activity groups. Remember, everyone you meet is like a
pebble dropped in water, with many ripples around them of other
people  namely, women.
Actively friend your friends on Facebook and stay active in their lives.
Then throw your own party  at a bar or beach or lake or whatever
with all your new peeps. And tell them to invite their friends.
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Suddenly, your life will be full of women. And you will feel less
 clingy and  needy.
An Action Note On Abundance Mentality and  Not Caring.
Brent Smith, my friend and well-known dating guru, is famous for
his phrase,  the difference is indifference. This doesn t mean that
you don t care about people. You care about them, but their opinion
doesn t upset your cart  it doesn t change how you feel about
yourself. This is why you MUST have multiple women in your life by
building overlapping social circles for yourself and staying active
within them. Perhaps you ll choose a few meetup groups
(www.meetup.com), eating groups, church groups, singles groups,
co-ed athletic groups (www.athleticsingles.com)  and of course,
best of all, forming and hosting your own social group that gets
together once a month (which makes you the center and the
authority) . The key is that your self-regard will no longer change
suddenly because of one random girl s  rejection. Creating
abundant social circles is one of the most important things you can
do to improve your life with women. When you do this, you will
begin to possess the all-important abundance mentality by default,
which is extremely appealing to women. There are virtually infinite
attractive women available for you, waiting for you, just waiting to
meet a guy who approaches her with confidence and a sense of fun.
Remember  they are sexual beings too. They don t want to go to
sleep with their vibrator  again! They want to go home with you.
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Conversation Tactic # 3:
 I speak slowly and surely.
You can see it at work and you can see it at bars. Whenever a  lower
status individual talks to a higher status one - gender doesn t matter
here  the lower status one speeds up  as if working over-hard to be
noticed and get validated. It is a signal that the lower status person is
afraid that the higher status person will stop listening or simply lose
interest.
When you have something worthy to say, when you can tell a story
well, and when you stay attentive to your listener - you will have the
natural confidence to speak slowly and with sureness.
Here are three tricks you can use to slow your speech...
A: Take a deep breath before responding, especially if she
says something that has some kind of impact. Really let her feel
that you are taking in what she said, that you re giving it gravity.
B: Offer a vocalized  hmmmm  if you do this correctly, in
the depth of your throat so that it rumbles, that can have a
sexually polarizing effect on her. You d be amazed at the impact
of a deep growl in a man s throat  it s the equivalent of a
woman s seductive purr.
C: Mirror back her key words. Not only does this give you
time to think, but also creates rapport by demonstrating that you
not only heard her words but find them important enough to
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repeat back to her  and then augment them with an observation
of your own. Here s an example from a conversation I had just
this morning&
Her:  I love taking walks in the morning when the air is
really fresh and wet with dew&
You:  You love the morning because the air is fresh and
wet with dew& that s awesome. I love how sensitive you
are to pleasure& .
You can see how I use language here to open the door so
sexuality. Sometimes women will take up the sexual
undertones and amp it up for you. But if you don t open the
door  she can t step through.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 4:
 I keep steady eyes.
In conversation, you are not looking around for the locus of fun and
power. You ARE the locus of fun and power!
Your concern with what others are doing is merely a side-interest.
You naturally consider yourself the focus of attention, and you hold
that intention with full power. You are positioned not on the edge of
a crowd, but in the center - unafraid. You expect others to look at you,
rather than you scanning everyone else for approval. This is the
commanding position. Your eyes are not downcast, but outward,
calm and level -- and you take in everyone you meet directly,
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relaxedly, with your eyes meeting theirs, warmly and staying with
their eyes until they are the first to break the tension.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 5:
 I am a scarce and valuable asset.
This is a mindset you must communicate. You must say it to yourself
and you must believe it.
One way that you can make it real in your life is to convey it gently but
forcefully in your communications. Here s what you don t want to do:
you don t want to be perceived as chasing after women. Rather, you
arrange it so they chase after you. You don t buy drinks or buy gifts
before you are sleeping with her. You don t let her set the time and
place to meet for a date. If she suggests a time and place  change
one aspect or the other. Do this! Make it a little later or another
night, or suggest a different place. It is essential that you are
the one setting the agenda of your life  even in little ways.
You have to be the product that is perceived as scarce and valuable 
you cannot be available to serve at someone else s whim.
You are not available for a new woman s company at any time.
Changing the time or place, even slightly, establishes that in a subtle
way.
There are other ways of establishing, from the first moment, that you
are not of such low value that you are simply available whenever& .
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In my online profiles, I will often embed messages like this:
 I am not on this site often, so please
don t hesitate to bother me twice if
you think we re a match& 
 Please be sure to read my whole
profile and let me know what it is
you read that caught your attention.
I don t answer the emails that are
generic or offer no personality or
insight. Bring your best!
I ve experimented with all kinds of variations on this and I can
guarantee you, it brings not only respect, but a kind of delight into
women s experience of you  before you even meet. They will write
things like:
 Tee hee  okay, I m bothering you. I liked your profile
 So, I read your whole profile and& 
If they begin with a sentence like that, you ve already established your
authority. You are in the command position and she is within your
framework. The masculine-feminine dynamic is already at work& ..
and& .. this is a great example of why I say when you do it right, you
never end up in the Friend Zone because you never allowed one to
form!
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Now, how can you bring this attitude to your daily encounters?
Remember, as you lead, people will follow. You are always
training others how to treat you - whether you realize it or not - by
how you are communicating with them.
A Special Note on Beautiful Women: Most of what you know
will spiral into mush when you encounter a truly beautiful woman.
Here s a practice you can employ to prevent that, when it comes to
maintaining your sense of high value. If she says something warm or
smart:
 You know, gotta say... Most beautiful women rely on their
looks. It s refreshing to find someone who puts in the time to
be thoughtful and informed. 
Then clink her glass. Of course, now she will feel compelled to keep
up the estimation you ve allowed her. And the power situation has
flipped from the realm of beauty to brains, in this case  and you can
make it go in any direction you choose. Could be her warmth you
comment on, for example, or her social grace. I never ever, ever
compliment beautiful women on their looks in the beginning of an
encounter or relationship. Of course, once you are in relationship,
sing to her beauty as well.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 6
 I don t overreact; I approve.
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This is a key mindshift. Most men, when talking to a really beautiful
woman, will be effusive in their hand and facial expressions, and will
speak quickly and in a high voice. Do not come off like this - as eager
to be part of her parade.
Instead, stand above and apart slightly to showing your approval of
her accomplishments. One way to quickly start enacting this is to
dole out points or prizes.
 Nice, you get five points for that one.
 You get a gold star.
 I like you a whole lot better now.
 Nice. You just advanced five spaces in my estimation of you.
Now, these can be delivered playfully, especially as the women you
are talking to rise in accomplishment. With young women, they will
appreciate the gold star. But with older or more accomplished
women, it s meant to be obviously funny and flirty and cute. But the
message is clear  you are the one giving approval. You are in the
teacher or leader role.
Beyond these flirtatious approvals, you can of course give genuine
approval:
 That is beautifully stated. You re an unusual girl.
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 That s a great insight. You re more than meets the eye, aren t
you? I ll bet most people think you re just another pretty face.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 7:
 I welcome being challenged. In fact, I LOVE it!
This is maybe the hardest behavior to embody, especially because so
many men have been put down by other men, by other women, by
their parents  well, by everyone. And chances are you ve seen most
men react to this, from boyhood, by getting defensive or putting up a
false mask of bravado  which is equally inauthentic and distasteful.
So what s a dude to do?
If a woman challenges you, relish her challenge, rise to it, play with
it, exceed it!
Challenging you, giving you a shit-test  that s her job  to see if
you re trustable. It s what she s supposed to do! So expect it,
welcome it, enjoy it, and turn it to your advantage.
There are always two ways to go with a woman s challenge. One is to
play with it and flip the challenge over to her. When she says,  Why
are you talking to me? I m way too young for you.  Yeah, maybe,
you reply,  but you seem like you might be interesting enough to
make up for it.
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Another way of playing with it is to employ insouciant
 absurdification (coined by dating coach Brad P). If she says,
 You re pretty damned sure of yourself, you can reply with,  I m the
surest person that ever lived, and just go on with conversation like
you didn t even hear her. That way, her challenge plays out as a fun
moment, rather than an interruption of your flowing attention or
intention.
Another way you can react is to take the moment seriously. When she
says,  You re pretty cocky, you reply simply and groundedly,  I know
myself. And then go on with the discussion. No need to explain.
If your joke bombs, and she says something like,  You think you re
funny? You, without getting defensive at all, respond with --  I like
to bring a smile to people s faces, sure. People have tough lives. They
need a laugh. Sometimes I miss, but that s okay, and again  move
ON with the conversation on to the next point or whatever was going
on before.
The point is that a challenge never collapses you, rocks you, disturbs
you.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 8:
 I don t fill out their questionnaires
This is a tricky one because you don t want to seem like a jerk. But a
woman who fires one question after another at you is controlling the
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frame of the conversation, which puts you in an automatic beta role
with her.
So you can give playful answers ( How many girls have slept in this
bed?  I lost count at 8,562, and move the discussion where you
want it to go as if it were a silly question asked for a silly reason. Or
turn it around immediately,  Why, what s been your limit so far on
the number of women your lovers have slept with? Or,  Oh, there
have been hundreds, but none has actually  slept. 
If she persists, you can ask her sincerely why she wants to know. Or
you can get assertive,  Do you make judgments around people that
way? or,  What are your assumptions? or,  Are you afraid of men
who are experienced lovers? (like that one? You shift the frame
from  volume of sex to  experience. I think that one came to me
from reframing age from  older to  experienced ,  seasoned , even
 battle-hardened when I m dating younger women.)
Or you can give playful answers that have a direct and seductive edge.
The question,  So, how many internet dates have you been on this
week? is one I always got. My answer,  This is the only one that
matters to me right now. And then move the conversation along 
usually back to her.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 9:
 I speak as if I am the king of my domain 
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and my domain is wherever I find myself.
The king bestows benefits in the world. He does it without needing
adulation or a response. He just sees it as a natural role for him, since
he has the wealth and power.
Think of yourself as the King of your Realm. You do nice things for
people without thinking. You open doors for ladies. You hold doors
open for men. You allow others to enter a room first (while placing
your hand on their lower back as they pass  it s an alpha behavior).
You assist when people are in need. Not because you are seeking
validation, but only because you have such an abundance of value to
offer that you offer it always without a second thought. Plain and
simple.
You help a woman with her chair. With her drink. Over a curb. Out
of a car. Not as a subservient suitor, but as a man who naturally helps
all, and she is in your purview at the moment. Nothing special.
Confident Conversation Tactic #10
 I don t respond to her yes/no questions.
Instead, I lead with questions that reveal
her juicy center& 
& and lead us both into deeper conversation.
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If she asks you a yes/no question, this is a great opportunity to get
curious about her and take her deeper into herself, into you and into
conversation in general. Especially because they are often asking
these kinds of questions to pigeon hole you or eliminate you from the
running, to qualify you.
Don t let them control that frame or make you their beta. Remember
they don t do that to hurt men, though it may hurt; they do it because
they are smart and don t trust men and are trying to get a quick read
on you to see if they can trust you.
Sadly, their markers are often misleading or inconclusive.
For example, a couple of common ones&
Her: Do you smoke weed?
You: That s a really interesting question! I ve noticed that the
rules have changed so fast. I know parents telling their kids
they should smoke but kids saying, no way,  I ve got to focus
on my career! What s your experience? Have you noticed
anything like that?
Her: Do you use drugs?
You: That depends on what you mean by drugs. Do you mean
the common socially-cliché way? I look at drugs  or
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medicines  like I look at sex. You can pursue it as distraction,
as addiction, or as revelation. I am very selective and I use
certain medicines for revelation.
Well! With that answer, you say a lot (it s my answer by the way, and
I have to give credit to David Deida for the three ways of approaching
sex). You say that you are above and beyond common cultural
limited distinctions and beliefs.
You say that you ve thought about the different ways of approaching
deep and intimate experiences, and you say that you live with purpose
and intention, that you re not on the unconscious path of addictive,
distracted, or habitual behavior.
And, of course, with this answer, you raise the idea in her head about
revelatory sex  and she s probably wondering what you mean by that
(you d better have a good answer if you use this!)
[For the record, I believe a periodic usage of ecstasy with an intimate
partner or very good friend, or in nature, is a profoundly deepening
way of getting in touch with your true heart. I also am continually
amazed by the impact of Ayahuasca, so deeply beyond description. I
don t mess around with mere highs. They feel like escape to me.]
Use pigeon-holing questions as an opportunity to open her up!
Her: Are you a liberal or a conservative?
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You: It s funny, I find that those labels are almost never
helpful except for extremists. Everybody is so quick to label
others because they don t care enough to take time to really
learn who other people are. You seem like an individualist,
someone who knows her own mind, makes up her own mind
on things. I ll bet you defy labels, right?
Now you re talking about her. Hopefully you re correct that she is an
independent thinker, which then leads to her respecting you for being
a maverick yourself, beyond labels.
Or go funny&
Her: What do you think of gay marriage?
You: I think they have the same right to be as miserable as
anyone else
Now if she s asking you a precise question about a precise issue, you
don t have to play with it -- especially if it s an issue important to you.
If you do have strongly held ethical beliefs about animal treatment,
global warming, death penalty etc  it s more than okay to express
your firm beliefs.
On a larger scale, you re actually contributing to the evolution of the
species by respectfully disagreeing with others rather than scorning
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them for their beliefs. A wise, emboldened man knows it s not
necessary to launch into an attack on those who think differently.
In fact, if you fashion a compassionate recap of other people s
opinions that you don t agree with  you are showing a kingly ability
to see more than one side of the issue  something that most smart
women will recognize as very useful in relationship.
Confident Conversation Tactic #11:
 I consistently add value
One of the questions that most often comes up in my workshops is,
 How do I handle an awkward pause ?
I ll restate what I ve said elsewhere.
1. Call it out.
a.  I love awkward pauses. Most people try to fill silences,
but sometimes it s good to just relax together.
b.  Aww. Our first awkward silence! Something to tell
the grandkids
2. Use it to reflect her impact on you. In this scenario, you
don t feel obliged to continue the flow of conversation as it
was happening, but instead you take command by sending it
in a new direction, telling her what it s like being with her.
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 I gotta say, I m glad we met here tonight. You re the
most interesting girl in the room.
 You re an unusual girl, aren t you? Then say why.
 Gotta say, I m getting to like you. You re sexy - y know,
for a girl - and I like how you see the world
( For a girl?!!!  they always say that.)
 Y know, I wasn t gonna come out tonight. But now I m
glad I did. You made my decade. Beat.  It s been a
slow decade.
Point of Humor: What I did in that last sentence is something you
want to do to create laughter and to not be boring by saying what
every other guy says. The way to do it is by substituting one key work
in a standard cliché sentence:
Instead of,  You have beautiful eyes.
You say,  You re really beautiful. I like your nostrils.
Or if she s got amazing breasts&
 I ll be everyone compliments you on your clavicles. I love a
girl with killer clavicles.
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In case you don t know  clavicles are the bones that arch in
toward her neck above her breasts. It s such a weird thing to
say, and it s an obvious  non-breast comment by proximity.
And, the truth is, I DO love a girl with killer clavicles. When
they wear a gown, that s when them suckers shine.
Comedy is misdirection. You lead toward one thing and head the
other way. See Billy Crystal s movie Mr. Saturday Night  I once met
him and told him it was my favorite of his films, and he told me it was
his favorite film too. Watch how he and his brother in the film banter
about that principle of comedy:  You thought I was going here  but
I went there!
Adding value means leading the conversation so you DON T get
awkward pauses. Too often, someone will say,  How are you? and
you ll say  Fine, thank you.
And you get & the awkward pause. You have to revv up the engines
again.
I always say&  Awesome!
She ll ask why.
And then I ll launch into something that is exciting me in the moment
(or sometime during the last few months, but talk about it as if its in
the moment!)  a great book, a blog post I just wrote, an inspiring
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new friend, some new trail I ve discovered  something inspirational
and upbeat about my life  drawing her into a discussion.
Another approach to this.
 Hi, I m Dan.
 I m Bethany, how are you?
 Great  I just got tickets to& . Arcade Fire/Bermuda/etc, or,
 There s this beach I love there called& . etc& have you been?
If she says,  No, I ll offer,  I ll pack you in my suitcase, if
you re nice.
Now you re off on a discussion about travel destinations, and so
you can ask her favorite destinations.
Or if there s something interesting going on at your work&
 I m Bethany, how are you?
 Celebrating. I ve spent the last few months working hard on
helping X get Y and we just finished it this week. You should
see the face of Y& 
Now, I don t know what you do for work, but if you ve had a cool
accomplishment in the last few months, use it! If it helped someone
and you can talk about the human impact of your accomplishment
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(remember the Commitment to find the HUMAN angle in everything,
in this case, also making it less about you and more about service),
then do that.
The point is, whether you bring up travel, a concert, an
accomplishment, a great book or magazine or movie you ve just
experienced  ADD VALUE to the conversation so it doesn t stop.
Lead her into a discussion  and make sure that once you ve splashed
her with your enthusiasm, gratitude, excitement, positivity or passion,
turn the conversation to her so she can share herself with you. Most
guys talk women s ears off! Be the guys who shows a real interest in
her life.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 12
 I will proactively introduce people 
adding value as I go!
You are the mayor. You are the hub of the wheel. You are the sun,
the supplier of value. You are in command, and you lead.
So take every opportunity to introduce people to each other, while
adding bits of information - like something you ve learned about them
- to get that conversation going.
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If there is a professional connection between two people, or if
someone can HELP the other, that s fantastic.
 Ellie, this is Hank  Ellie s got this great idea for an online
business. Hank is an expert at driving traffic to new sites& 
You have just added real value to their lives, and have earned
gratitude. People will love you for this, as they rightly should.
If she returned from a trip&
 This is Heather. She just got back from Bali where I think she
danced naked under the moon. Beat.  Maybe I added that
last part.
If she is a nurse or doctor&
 This is Carrie. She saves lives with her bare hands& 
I like to play with the details I ve learned about somebody, to lighten
the moment and to pique them emotionally. If I don t really know
anything about her, I play with what she s wearing.
If she s got funky earrings...
 This is Jeannie. She s the West Coast Rep for The Society of
Hippie Earrings& 
The point is  NEVER  just say,  Joe, this is Mary. Mary, Joe.
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Unless you love awkward silences.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 13
 I am informed, and I always look for the human
angle.
This isn t my favorite topic these days, but yes, knowing what s going
on in the news is an obvious rapport-creator and way to start
conversations.
Know the top stories of the day. I tend to use the Huffington Post, but
you can use any aggregation news source, including Google News.
The big media names, on the other hand, rarely tell the real story.
They tell the story from the corporate culture, but what really matters
to most people s lives are personal.
So look for personal takes on things in the news. I personally read
opinion pieces, not by fathead Washington blowhards, but by people
on the ground, who are directly affected by issues.
I read a lot  and I get great stories out of Esquire and Vanity Fair,
believe it or not. I learned more about what it feels like to be a soldier
from an article about losing their girls back home than 1000 CNN
reports about Iraq.
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I use a site called www.ALDaily.com for all kinds of things, but
especially for the links to dozens of newspapers around the world 
and I read those  as well as their opinion pages. You get a whole
different view of the world  much more interesting than the false
dichotomies you get in the US media.
Here s the key: look for the HUMAN story behind the big news
stories. Be able to talk about an individual who was involved in or
personally affected by the headlines - not just the headlines
themselves.
Women tend to connect better with stories about people rather than
about statistics, strategy or abstractions, so doing the same gives you
another in-point with them.
If conversation is a challenge for you, then make a point to fill your
bucket every day with news stories  15/30 minutes a day to inform
yourself. Intellectual preparedness is a leadership signal.
If you re the guy in a social circle who has that emotionally impactful
detail  you re the one women look to. They can feel your heart as
well as your brain.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 14
 I steer the conversation to talk about
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relationships, not about things.
Here are a couple of quotes from women I have known:
One asked me,  Why do men post photos online of themselves
holding big fish?!!!!
Another complained,  Why do other men on dates talk about their
cars or their boats?
Here s why:
1. These men don t understand women. They talk to women the
same way they talk to guys, using material things as status
symbols and as safe subjects that don t open up any
vulnerability or feelings.
2. They aren t accessing their imaginations. They talk about the
first thing that comes to their minds  and that s often  stuff.
3. They are trying very hard  in a very clumsy way  to
communicate the primary  attractor quality of men, which is
access to resources.
Women are creatures built to love, connect, and care for others. Any
time you get her talking about how good she is at this, or about the
details of the people and creatures she cares for, the warmer she will
respond to you.
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Confident Conversation Tactic # 15
 I stay on the lookout for usable stories
When you hear a story or read one, think consciously about how you
might use this in conversation. Might it show you have a heart? That
you re a forward thinker? That you re a thought leader? That you
think about how you can make your community better? That it
demonstrates what a great parent you d make? Does it show that you
are sensually alive (i.e.  how you might talk about food, or some art
or a landscape  does it show that you are attentive to beauty?)
Be a defender of women. Here s a simple one and an important one 
are you aware of the struggle women have to go through in this
world? Right now, rape is being used as a weapon in many African
and Muslim countries. What do you know about that? Have you
contributed to any associated charities?
Right now, the right in the US is trying to shut down Planned
Parenthood  an organization that has helped millions of women get
health care - the Christian right is using abortion as the leverage to
defund it. I personally contribute to Planned Parenthood  not only
because they ve helped me and my girlfriends out, but because I know
it s a godsend for girls from poor families who have no other recourse.
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To me, part of loving women is defending them, helping them, and
protecting them.
Confident Conversation Tactic #16
 I compliment using  the sexy sandwich
The worst thing a guy can do with an attractive woman is tell her that
she is beautiful directly. Or with no context.
I mean, you can say it  and SHOULD say it when you are looking
deeply into her eyes and your really feel what a beautiful, loving gift of
a human being she is.
Part of Commanding Confidence means you are always leading. And
remember  she can t follow if you don t lead.
So at some point - pretty early on - you want to communicate that you
are sexually attracted to her.
Here s an easy and fun practice.
I like to spice up conversation by giving what I call a  beauty
sandwich
or  sexy sandwich.
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 You re really funny, you re sexy, you re cool  I like you.
Take the emphasis off the sexy compliment so it doesn t feel like
sucking up. Make it casual and make it less primary by sandwiching
it between other observations or comments about her personality and
how you APPROVE of her.
Confidence is felt when you are not seeking to gain anything, but
when you are offering. And more so, when you are offering without
any feeling of needing return
Confident Conversation Tactic #17
 I own her by naming her.
This is a fun one and a necessary one  although it s kind of a cheap
trick at gaining dominance.
He who names, owns. Check any map of the world.
First, repeat her name so you know it and she knows you know it.
Then give her a nickname. This is the classic move of a man who is
comfortable with women. It shows a kind of  ownership  you ve
named her, you ve categorized her.
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The more masculine you name her, the more feminine she will then
try to be in return. If you call her Dude, Man, or Killer, watch her try
to prove she is feminine.
If you want to play up - and make fun of her a bit  you can call her
Principessa (Italian for princess), Snow White (if she is  innocent ),
Cinderella (if she is overdressed), Little Red Riding Hood (if she is
wearing red, duh), Poindexter (if she is Nerdy -- or Nerd, Geek, Dork)
- all in good fun.
I have called 23 year olds  Gramma and  Grams to flip the age
difference,  Snooki if she s from Jersey,  Ellie May if she s from the
South.
If she reminds you vaguely of a movie star or character from a movie,
call her that.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 18
 I ask open-ended questions.
If you want to stop the energy of a conversation, ask a question that
gets you a yes or no, as we said above.
If you want to feed the fire, ask an open-ended question.
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People s favorite topic is ME. They love to talk about themselves and
give their opinions. Whether it s about a recent movie or concert, a
mutual friend or enemy or the dating or web dating experience, hit
 em with questions like&
 What did you hate most?
 What turned you on the most?
 What was your favorite part
 What did you like about it?
Confident Conversation Tactic # 19
 I allow women to talk about themselves
Women love men who let them talk about themselves.
Again, everyone s favorite topic is me, me, me.
The most interesting topic of conversation to anyone is themselves.
So when you give a woman a chance to talk about her then, she will
love you for it. Why?
Because most of the conversations she has are nothing short of a
constant competition for the spotlight.
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Let me explain&
If you pay close attention to most social conversations, they are full of
competition for the center stage. People are constantly jousting for
the opportunity to talk about themselves.
Now we all want to be heard, but most of the time we are constantly
have to fight for attention when in conversation with other people.
That is why you see people cutting each other short while in mid-
conversation just so they can put in their two cents.
So when you show up and are willing to let her talk about herself, you
appear as a god-send.
Especially if she is soft-spoken and is usually talked-over.
It s not always easy for us guys to FOLLOW what a woman is saying 
and I have written extensively about how women talk in order to
connect and men talk in order to convey information.
The key to appreciating her conversation, staying interested, and
reflecting her back to herself in her best light is to be a  Love
Investigator.
That is, look for where she is  expressed love or  disappointed love
in her talk about her family, or dogs or ex, or friends.
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I ll be honest  it may sound like blather to you and you d much
rather talk about politics or sports or ANYTHING but her strained
relationship with some friend  if you listen as a Love Investigator,
you will make incisive comments and DEMONSTRATE that you care
 unlike most men.
You don t have to be Freud to figure out what to say. Simple
interjections like& .
 that sounds like it really hurt your feelings& 
 Sounds like you really care about her& 
 Sounds like you ve invested a lot of yourself in him
 that must make you feel so good& 
& can do wonders.
Women RARELY feel heard by men. It s an easy and nice way to be a
standout guy.
Confident Conversation Tactic #20
 I am a masterful listener.
Now you must learn how to be a good listener and yet still an active
participant in the conversation.
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You do not want to simply listen and not say anything about yourself
because you will come off as being aloof - or even worse, as if you are
hiding something from her.
Listening without contributing comes off as slightly creepy and
having a shifty untrustworthy character. On the other hand, you don t
want to be talking more than you listen because that ends in you
becoming bad listener, like 90% of the population.
Therefore a quick and simple guideline to follow here is:
 Do not interrupt her while she is talking.
Once she is done talking, quickly give your view (keep it short), then
ask her a follow-up question. As long as you allow her to talk without
interruption, you will be a good listener.
Just remember that people are interested in themselves, so refrain
from going on and on about your view unless you were asked. Even
then, keep your response as short as possible.
Simply put, a good listener listens a lot more than they talk.
So just remember&
It seems simple enough to ask questions, but the real trick lies in
1. knowing what questions to ask, and
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2. taking advantage of the information you get from your questions to
quickly build rapport with her.
Of course, avoid coming off as an interviewer by asking too many
questions in quick succession. There is a smooth and cool way of
controlling a conversation while still keeping the dialogue alive. Don t
worry if you suck at it initially because this is a skill quickly learnt
through experience.
Keep these things in mind to become an excellent listener quickly:
1. Listen for evocative details to reflect back to her and plunge deeper
with.
2. Listen without plotting your next thing to say.
3. Don t speak until she is finished.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 21
 I share my passions with enthusiasm.
When she asks about you, don t play it cool. Bring her imagination
into the excitement of your life by getting passionate about your life.
(If you re not excited about your life  GET excited. Travel, learn
something new, quit your job, anything --- but if you re not excited
about your life, why would she even want to be in it?)
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Tell your favorite travel story with zest and detail. Talk about the red
cheeks of those Peruvian children you met in the field who climbed on
your back. Tell them about the bear sniffing around your tent while
you were holding a flashlight, ready to clobber it. Tell her about that
time a village appeared out of nowhere through the forest and how
the little kids clambered up the trees to cut you down fresh coconuts
(that happened to me in the backwater canals of Kerala, India).
If you love your job  tell a funny or great story. If someone you love
in your family had a great accomplishment  tell THAT.
But tell with detail and enthusiasm.
I am going to do a whole separate program on how to tell compelling,
sexy stories. But for now, do this:
1. Tell a danger story - to show the daring side of you. That
time your parachute broke. Your brakes went out. That
avalanche (again  me). Have you ever been in danger? For
the sake of this section, I hope so! Tell the story slowly 
breaking down the details and creating tension  so she doesn t
know what happened until the end. Feel free to exaggerate.
Maybe that Brown Bear was a raccoon, but it WAS furry!
2. Tell a sweet story - to show that sweet side of you. Maybe
you helped a niece with her school performance. Maybe you
ended up leading a sing-along on that stuck elevator to help the
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panickers get their minds off the fear of danger. Whatever 
something that shows the sweet side of you.
3. Tell a funny story  something outrageous that happened to
you. Again, the beauty is in your enjoyment of what happened
and keeping her hooked until the outcome.
4. Tell a heroic story  to show your chivalry and character.
Without tooting your horn, tell a story about how you saved or
helped someone. One way to not sound like a braggart is to
focus on some other aspect of the story. For example, I once
witnessed an accident, ran to the minivan and pulled out a baby
because the mother was knocked out. I went back for the mom,
even though the engine was smoking (maybe). But the story is
true. I might tell it talking about nifty car seats for kids - how
easily I was able to release it, or when we pass that particularly
blind curve 
 Oh man, people do the stupidest things. Once
I saw this girl do a U turn right on this curve 
and the car in front of me& this minivan
plowed right into her& .
The focus, notice, is on traffic, not superman me. Although I don t
skimp on the superman details.
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This was an excerpt from Instant
Confidence With Women.
If you enjoyed this, please check out the
full program over at
http://instantconfidencewithwomen.co
m.
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