Dating Made Easy

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

Dating Made Easy

How To Date With Confidence

Kara Oh

The Heart Whisperer

™

The Foundation of Smart Dating

You could meet your ideal man tomorrow, but are you confident you’ll know
what to do to capture his heart? If you don’t have the dating skills to attract his
attention so he can discover who you are, like two ships passing in the night,
you’ll both miss what could potentially be the opportunity of a lifetime.

You see, dating is really about revealing who you are, a little bit at a time. You
want him to enjoy the process of discovery, of sensual delight, like when you
savor a good meal, one course at a time.

Are Your Dating Skills Outdated?

You can achieve your relationship goals but there's one big problem that you need
to overcome first. That is, you probably learned how to date in high school, then
“fine tuned” your skills in college. Now you're an adult, maybe a successful
professional, dating the only way you've known how and getting nowhere near
your goal of finding a wonderful man to share your life with. Is that about right?
As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin' for ya?"

What if the man of your dreams really did show up tomorrow? How are you
going to “be” so the outcome is different than in all your past relationships?

Really, why would this time be different? You need to learn new skills. It's as
simple as that. I remember when I started dating after the end of my 29-year
marriage. Wow, had things changed. It was scary, intimidating, infuriating and
demeaning.

Those painful experiences put me on a quest to understand men, to learn what it
takes to date successfully and then, more important, be able to go on to create and
sustain a successful relationship. I’ve used what I’ve learned to do just that. I am

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

now enjoying my dream relationship. I met a man who is beyond my wildest
dreams. He’s the most loving, adoring, affectionate, supportive and appreciative
man who sees who I really am and tells me all the time how fortunate he is to
have found me. He playfully tells people he dated 100 women in his quest to find
me.

Magic can happen for you too because you can learn what to do and how to “be”
so you can create your own ideal relationship with your ideal man at your side.

Would You Like An Arranged Marriage?

Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to date? Then you wouldn’t have to waste
all that energy on worrying about meeting someone, waiting for the phone call,
stressing over what to wear, that you didn’t lose those 5 pounds like you promised
yourself, wondering if he’ll like you, if you’ll like him… and on and on.

Yuck… Why do we do this to ourselves? Wouldn’t it be more fun if you could
remove the stress from something that should be fun, that you can look forward
to? What if you could relax and simply enjoy a nice time with a nice man?

In other cultures, throughout most of time, even today, marriages have been
arranged. That would certainly take the pressure off but most of us don’t want
that. Most of us want the sparkles of love to wash over us so our hearts beat faster
and our step is lighter.

In this ebook you’re going to learn the basic information you need to immediately
have more confidence and know-how so you’ll be better equipped when you meet
that special man you’re looking for.

It’s All About You

The bottom line is you need to do things differently. You actually need to think a
new way. The way to do that is to see men, dating and falling in love with new
eyes. By the time you’ve completed this book, you’ll have a clearer idea of what
thinking a new way means and begin to understand how to do that.

You may think all you need to do is meet the right man and then everything will
work out. Let’s take a look at that notion. Women get married all the time,
thinking they’ve met the right man. But our divorce rate tells us that either they
didn’t meet the right man, or more likely, from what I’ve learned in my years of

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

working with women and couples, most don’t know how to create a happy,
satisfying, enduring relationship. Meeting the right man is only the first step.

Shopping For Mr. Right

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could go to the Mr. Right store? Then you could walk
up and down the aisles, see one you find attractive, talk with him, read his list of
“what he’s made of," find out his history, and learn all those things you wish you
knew before spending even an hour of your life on him. Online dating sites are a
bit like this, but the trouble with that is you don’t know what’s really true; even
the photo could be a lie. Many years ago I met a really handsome man on
MatchMaker.com. When I met him, it was obvious that his photo was from many
years and pounds earlier. There are quite a few married men as well who just
enjoy the titillation of getting a woman to fall for them. Some meet up with
women, some just like playing.

Speed dating is another way to “shop” for Mr. Right, but you can’t learn enough
in that format and the pressure is too much on how you’re being perceived. The
Mr. Right store would let you take your time with no pressure. But alas, I doubt
that this concept is going to catch on.

Many women do create a kind of shopping list. And that’s a good idea, but it
needs to be a “smart” shopping list. Too often, when we make our lists, we’re
disconnected from reality, kind of lost in our fantasy and how good it would feel
to have this ideal man show up.

It’s Time To Make Your List

Making a list is important but what you do with the list is what I want to teach
you. First, make a list of EVERYTHING you want. If you want a man who wears
cowboy boots, write that down. If you want a man with blond hair and blue eyes
go ahead and put that on your list. Write it all down.

In this ebook I can’t go into as much detail and fine-tuning as I’d like. That’s
covered in From Bad Boys To Good Men, How To Find The Right Man For You.
For now, we’ll get your list to a point where it’s useful and not a detriment. So go
ahead and write it all down.

Now that you’ve got your list, I want you to look through it and narrow it down to
the 5 to 8 items you absolutely have to have. These are your Relationship

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

Essentials

™

and our Mate Essentials

™

. These are the things you absolutely

require to be a part of your relationship and absolutely require in the man you
meet. They should be two lists, one for the relationship you seek and one for the
man.

In contrast to your Mate and Relationship Essentials are your Intolerable Male
Qualities

™

. These are the things you absolutely do not want in the man you

select.

Some things on your Intolerable Male Qualities list will be those icky things that
most women would not want. If he smells bad, or has an obnoxious sense of
humor, or is rude or boring, then most women will pass on that kind of man. But
there are other things that are specific to you. A good way to make this list is to
look back at past relationships and notice what caused you to lose respect, trust or
desire for a previous husband or boyfriend. Maybe they just had habits that finally
drove a wedge between you.

What if you’re attracted to the “bad boy” types? Sure, they’re handsome, sexy,
charismatic, fun… lots of fun. But they won’t have your Mate and Relationship
Essentials. So being a “bad boy” would be on your list of Intolerable Male
Qualities. Every woman’s list will be unique, but there will be certain things that
will be on many women’s lists.

Go ahead and make your list of Intolerable Male Qualities now.

Once you get your list of Mate and Relationship Essentials and your Intolerable
Male Qualities, give a copy to a close friend. They will keep you from being
swayed by the wrong kind of man, especially if that has been a pattern. Those
habits and patterns need to change if you’re finally going to find a good man who
will love you in all the ways you desire. This is a good way to begin to create
new, smarter, more empowering habits and patterns.

If you don’t have a clear idea about the kind of man you’re seeking, you’re going
to risk ending up with someone who will not work out in the long run, which
means yet another heartbreak under your belt.

I hope you’ll go ahead and order your copy of From Bad Boys To Good Men,
How To Find The Right Man For You so you can create a clear description of
what you’re looking for, not just the fuzzy idea of that fantasy so many women
think they want.

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

If you ignore this essential step in attracting the right man into your life, you are
basically leaving your love life to chance. Chance doesn’t work that well. Look
around at your friends, the national statistics and probably your own life, to know
it’s true.

What you will create is an effective method to keep you from being swayed by
the wrong kind of man, especially if that has been a pattern. Those outdated habits
and patterns need to change if you are finally going to find a good man who will
love you in all the ways you desire. This is a good way to begin to create new,
smarter, more empowering habits and patterns.

If you consider how much time, effort and money you put into getting a college
degree, don’t you think finding a life mate deserves a bit more effort than you’ve
put into it the past? You will be so much better prepared to find that special man
and don’t you owe it to yourself to do all you can to have a happy and fulfilling
relationship?

New Habits Will Give You New Results

You need to start doing things differently than you have in the past. The best way
to do that is to pay closer attention to what you’re doing and how you’re reacting.
Awakening your awareness is the cornerstone of self-improvement. So much of
what we do is on autopilot, without any conscious awareness of the consequences
of our actions and beliefs. Habits that no longer serve you must be let go of and
replaced by new habits that will open the door to a whole new kind of life, a new
kind of love and a new way of loving.

Don’t Let Stereotypes Interfere

Too much of what we do when we’re unaware is to fall back into old habits. You
know the definition of insanity, don’t you? It’s doing the same thing over and
over again, but expecting different results. The old results aren’t what you want.
Until you become more aware of what and why you react and behave the way you
do – the way you have in the past – you can’t improve and begin to get new and
better results.

The old you has a list of unconscious, knee-jerk stereotypes that you think you
want or don’t want. Don't let those stereotypes interfere with you meeting
someone great. If you do you could miss out on the opportunity to meet someone

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

who is not what you “thought” you were looking for but who is actually your
ideal partner.

I was concerned that Chris, my partner, was a professor, and too good looking and
told him before we met that those were both red flags for me. I actually have a
category of men that I call “the Professor.” That is a man who pontificates and
talks at you, instead of with you, unable to have a deep, heart-to-heart
conversation. The Professor doesn’t know how to get close.

Men who are too good looking have often had things way too easy with women,
never really having to work to make a woman happy. But I trusted my intuition
about this man, plus, I was intrigued with how much Chris and I had in common
during several phone calls.

So I decided I had to at least meet him. There was an immediate connection, we
never dated anyone else from then on, and we’ve enjoyed a more profound love
than either of us have ever experienced before. I’m very happy I didn’t let my
stereotype beliefs about professors and ultra-handsome men keep me from
meeting Chris.

Finding A Prince Takes Effort

Dating is a numbers game. Too often women think all they need to do is start
dating, and voila! Mr. Right shows up. It does not work that way. You have to be
willing to meet a lot of men to find the one you’re looking for. Sometimes it
happens quickly, but not usually, so you can’t count on it. Plus, when you do meet
a man you’re attracted to, he has to be interested in getting to know you as well.
Not an easy task, especially as we get past our thirties.

So, since you need to meet a lot of men to find your prince, get yourself out of the
house because Mr. Right is not going to come knocking on your door.

Where To Meet Men

Meeting men in bars is the last place you should go, but strangely, it’s one of the
first places that comes to mind, even to if it’s only to say, “I don’t want to go to
bars to meet men.” In a bar you’re more likely to meet a player, someone who is
just out to pick up women; more likely to meet an alcoholic, or at least someone
who has drinking at the center of his social activities; and more likely to have
every man in the bar assume you’re there to get picked up.

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

You should be looking for a high quality man. So go where high quality men are.
Go to art openings; museum fund-raisers; take adult education classes or
community college classes, but take classes on topics you’re interested in because
every man in the class has a common interest with you and if there isn't an
interesting man (don’t overlook the teacher), at least you can enjoy the class.

Go to lectures on topics you’re interested in; go to Esalen, or places like Esalen,
where the weekend workshops are often the kind that cause people’s hearts to
open to the other members of the workshop; sign up for personal improvement
workshops because people are open; take dancing classes if you like to dance (one
of my best friends met her husband at dance class where she was the teacher); join
clubs that focus on an interest you have so you can meet men who share the same
interest.

If you’re athletic sports clubs are great because there are usually more men than
women. But don’t expect to have men pay much attention while on the aerobic
machines or lifting weights. Take classes where you are going to be sharing the
space and the activity because there’s more likelihood of talking and him noticing
you.

Say yes to all party and wedding invitations and tell all your friends and family
members you’re seriously looking for a good man. Some of the best matches are
when a mutual friend knows you both.

And don’t forget, be open to meeting everyone. Women have single male friends,
as do men. You never know who might think you’re the perfect woman to
introduce to their friend. Have you read Creating Rapport That Leads To More
yet? It’s one of the bonuses you got and essential to help you develop skills to
comfortably meet people and have them like you.

An important skill I want you to develop is to open your heart. I’m The Heart
Whisperer and my primary focus is to help you do just that. By learning to be
kind, gracious and open-hearted, you will meet more men, more men will be
drawn to you, and even though you will not be attracted to most of them, most
every man has at least one friend who is looking. Be the kind of woman any man
would want his best friend to meet.

Be forewarned that you will get sick and tired of going out, of being on the
search, of not meeting anyone you’re interested in enough to want to date. But

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

remember, the very next date or event could be the time you meet that special
man. If you need to take some time off, fine, do that. But if you really do want to
be in a relationship don't give up.

Women who find a man are women who are actively looking. Women who
complain they can't meet a man don’t usually go out much or they’ve given up.
Let me say it again: Mr. Right is not going to come knocking on your door. You
need to be proactive.

What To Do When You Do Meet A Man

One thing I shouldn’t have to say, but I will, is when you’re out doing all those
things I suggest above, you have to be proactive and introduce yourself to lots of
people. And I said people, not just single men. You should meet women as well
because every new woman you meet has a new circle of friends. And one of those
friends could be or might know, the perfect man for you.

If you’re shy and hold back, waiting for some man to come over and introduce
himself to you, then there’s no point in going out. Listen, you have to get past that
shyness. In Dazzle & Delight The Men You Meet, How To Feel Confident All The
Time, I offer a sure-fire way to get over that for good. All my books are at
KaraOh.com.

Start Lots of Conversations

If you assume everyone else is uncomfortable (which is true) and waiting for
someone to make the first move, you’ll instantly feel more confident. So, with
that thought in your heart, at social events or even business mixers, walk up and
introduce yourself to men. But don’t have your “Hunter Face” on. You’ll scare
them and they’ll start edging away from you immediately. Imagine being in an
elegant, very womanly evening gown, with a diamond necklace. This will cause
you to feel more feminine. Then you can relax and enjoy meeting all kinds of new
people.

The men you introduce yourself to might be married. No problem… Married men
have single friends. If you’re fun, charming, gracious and interesting, people
notice. They all have at least one friend who is single and looking. Their friend
could be looking for you.

When you finally meet a single man you’re attracted to, do not “be the man,” as

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

so many women tend to do. You need to understand that men want to be the one
to ask you to take the next step. If it’s at a wedding, he’ll offer to get you a glass
of champagne or ask you to dance. Letting him do the pursuing sets the tone and
energy of what might happen between you. You’ll discover how good it feels to
relax and just enjoy being a woman.

Men need a clear indication you’re interested, which is, basically, your primary
job when meeting a new man. Once they get the “go-ahead” they will take over
the pursuit. And guess what? If you let them, it feels good. You get to be the
woman and he gets to be the man. Then the dance of your male/female energies
get to enjoy the interplay of flirting and playing.

If you do the asking, it gets you off on the wrong foot. It’s hard to get it back on
the proper ground where he gets to be the man, which he needs more than
anything. One of the secrets in my book, Men Made Easy, is “A man wants to be
with a woman who makes him feel like a man.” If you can learn to do that, and he
knows you enjoy it, he’s yours.

Relax And Enjoy Yourself

More than anything, it’s important that you relax and just allow things to unfold
in their own way, in their own time.

Any man you go out with is expecting to have a good time, to get to know you,
and to find out if there’s enough mutual interest to go on a second date. What you
need to do is relax and enjoy the opportunity to meet someone new. If he’s not
someone you want to see again, use the opportunity to practice your skills of
Feminine Grace while being fun and open-hearted.

If you’re not someone he’s interested in dating, no problem, that’s one more man
who isn’t the right one. That means you’re just a little closer to your goal. Don’t
take it personally. Most men will not be interesting to you and most women won’t
be interesting to most men. Like I said, it’s a numbers game. The more men you
meet, the better your chances of finally meeting a great guy. And if you have
learned what to do, you won’t allow him to slip through your fingers because
you’ll know how to keep him intrigued long enough for you to determine if you
want to continue to see him.

Don’t Let Expectations Blind You

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

One thing I’ve learned in observing people and life is that expectations usually
bite us in the butt. When we have expectations, they generally come from a fairy
tale imagining of what we want. No man can measure up to that. So it’s a good
idea to practice being open to the possibilities that you can’t know ahead of time
who you’ll be attracted to.

When I help my coaching and mentoring clients fine-tune their “wish list” I’ve
noticed that they often have very high ideals and a fairly narrow view about what
kind of man they want. I always turn that around and ask, “What do you have to
offer this almost perfect man? Why will he want you?” If he’s supposed to be
handsome, a full head of hair, tall, rich, with a fabulous home, great social skills,
a sparkling social life, a great dresser, charming, etc. why will he want you?

A man like that has an awful lot of choices, so it’s a good idea to consider what
you have to offer him. I’m constantly amazed at how many women haven’t
thought about this side of the equation. Besides, how many men like that do you
think are running around unattached?

Why don’t you do a little exercise right now and make a list of what you have to
offer your ideal mate. I think you’ll find it a revealing exercise.

Don’t Be Ruled By the Wow! Factor

Thinking you need to be immediately attracted and knocked off your feet on the
first date – some want that in the first 15 minutes – is a bad idea. The Wow!
Factor is great when you’re looking for a good time… for a limited period of
time. If that’s the first priority of what you’re going for, then you’re not looking
for a solid citizen, a good man, or a man who will commit and build a great life
with you. The Wow! always wears off. And it’s a squirrelly way to start things
out. Being attracted is good, being bonkers is not. You want to be sure there’s
something great behind that crazed attraction and you can’t really see it if the
chemistry is blinding you.

If you are bonkers for each other, wait until the Wow! wears off before getting
long-term ideas. And it’s probably too late to tell you not to have sex. Sex in the
midst of Wow! is pretty exciting. So just be careful and wait for your head to
clear before you decide, “he’s the one.” The same advice should go to him, as
well. If you haven’t had sex yet, read why it’s a good idea to wait below.

Is What You Want REALLY What You Say You Want?

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

Some of what we think we want comes from those ideals that were spoon-fed to
us from girlhood on. Fairy tales when we’re young; novels, romance novels and
movies as we go through each stage of life. It’s hard to know what we really want
when we’re so bombarded with constant messages of something that isn’t really
attainable. Even commercials mess with our hearts and our minds.

We see the happily-ever-after ending but never get to find out what happens when
they go off to the castle. Everything is staged and life just isn’t like that. People
go to the bathroom; have to brush their teeth, have messy hair in the morning…
life is not portrayed in that kind of detail in the fairy tales. Can you picture
Cinderella watching her prince clip his toenails as they fly all over the room?

Take a look at your list of Mate and Relationship Essentials and your Intolerable
Male Qualities and see which feel like they might have come from the media,
your family or some other force outside of you. It will help you clarify what YOU
want, from your heart not what society and your culture tell you you should want.

Obviously, you shouldn’t write a man off because some superficial requirement
isn’t part of what he offers. But there’s another side to this. You also shouldn’t
take a so-so match and try to make him fit. That’s why it’s so important to know
what your Relationship and Mate Essentials and your Intolerable Male Qualities
are so you don’t get involved with the wrong man.

He’s A Mystery, Waiting To Be Revealed

Sometimes it feels like women are looking for a human version of a pet. With a
dog you can specify breed, color, markings, size… then when you look at the
litter, you can pick one out of several. Men aren’t like that. With each man you
meet there’s a mystery waiting to be revealed, a mystery that you can discover if
you’re willing to look beneath the surface. Men have feelings, hopes, dreams,
desires, and fears, just like you. They also have imperfections and things you
might have to work to accept, and so do you.

At the very least be gentle with his heart. Every man who is sincerely looking for
a partner is putting his heart out on the table, allowing himself to be at least
somewhat vulnerable. I like to think of those hearts as precious, like a baby bird
that has fallen out of a nest. Those hearts need to be treated with the same
compassion and care as that baby bird. And don’t you want him to be as gentle
with your heart?

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

Imagine What’s Loveable About Him

Seeing him through the energy of your hearts connecting, one human being to
another, will allow you to see past those superficial, media driven wants and
desires. When you do go on a date, instead of focusing on what’s not right about
him, ask instead:

• Why did I think I’d enjoy his company when he asked me out?

• How is this man loveable?
• What makes this man a good person to be in a relationship with?

If you’re absolutely certain, beyond any doubt, that he’s not someone you want to
see again, ask:

• What can I learn tonight?

• How can this help me better refine what I’m looking for?

• What relationship skills can I improve tonight?

Age Is A Factor For You Both

Age is a big factor in the whole mix of trying to find that special man… for him
as well as for you. If you’re over 35 or 40, it’s even more critical. Most men want
a younger woman and a lot of women want a younger man or one that is about the
same age. But age is just a number. It really has little to do with what each of you
bring to a relationship.

Do you think you’re young for your age? Do you think you ought to be able to
attract a younger man because of that? Well, why not turn it around and be open
to a man who’s young for his age? Being open to each man, as a total and unique
individual – which, after all, he is – will keep you from missing out on that perfect
match who, on the surface, doesn’t fit your pictures. I’ve talked to a lot of
matchmakers who say women pass up great guys without even meeting them.
Don’t let that be you.

Date With The Same Intentions He Does

When men go out on a date they pretty much have one intention: to have a good
time. Period. Sure, they’re aware that they’re looking for a potential partner but
that’s not their focus. Just as it is for him, your intention should be to have a nice

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Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

evening and have fun, and not decide if this is the love of your life. It’s just a
date.

Simply be excited about meeting a variety of nice men, practice being relaxed and
gracious and stop worrying about where each date is leading. If you do this it will
lighten your energy which will make you much more attractive and you’ll
naturally have more fun.

Men tell me all the time that women treat the date like a job interview, going
down their list, checking off each item, forgetting that this is a human being with
a heart and feelings. Several men have told me, “I couldn’t get out of there fast
enough,” when describing this kind of situation.

Men are looking for and are attracted to happy, interesting, fun, pleasant, positive
women. It’s part of their Unconscious Attraction Triggers

™

. They aren’t that

aware of what they find attractive, they just know that they are attracted or they’re
not. (Yes, they are very aware of body parts.) If you’re focused on something
other than him, you will not come across with any of the qualities he’s looking
for. And with those qualities missing, his response will be, “Next!” When that
happens, you never get a chance to show him why you’re great. Sure, if you’re
good looking, he’ll go out with you again, but that wears off pretty quickly if you
have nothing more to offer.

Another bonus of focusing on discovering who he is, is you’ll stay more open to
new possibilities. Even if you’re not interested, if you’re happy to be out with this
man, respectful towards him and fun to be with, maybe he’ll fix you up with one
of his friends. You never know where it will lead. But we all know what happens
to closed off, shut down, angry, bitter, uninterested and uninteresting women…
they don’t get many dates and they get fewer 2

dates.

Your Energy Is What He Responds To

Chemistry is certainly a factor in what causes two people to be attracted to each
other. When you first meet, either that chemistry is there, or it’s not. But you
affect his chemistry a great deal with your energy. How attractive you are to him
will be greater if your energy is positive, open, and receptive, with an open-heart
and sincere curiosity. Be open and interested in who he is, not on how you’re
being judged. When you focus on ‘you’ your energy is inward. When you focus
on ‘him’ your energy flows out. Can you see which one will be more attractive,
and cause him to feel the chemistry between you?

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Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

When you are happy and open and focusing on making others feel comfortable
you actually glow. The brighter you glow, the more magnetic you become. This
one element can make all the difference in whether or not he wants to see you
again. His Unconscious Attraction Triggers are extremely important and your
energy and your glow is a huge factor in what is attractive about you.

When you’re trying to determine who he is, notice how you feel about his energy
through your heart, your soul, and your gut, and not just your brain and your eyes.
Remember, you can only tell so much in a first meeting. When either of you are
nervous, which most people are on a first date, because you’re thinking about
what you need to do to make a good impression and noticing things that have
nothing to do with getting to know the other person, your energy is not going to
glow and it could even be a bit off-putting. So if there’s even a spark, and he’s
feeling it too, you should definitely go on a second date.

If you’re closed down, focused on your list of requirements and not relaxed, he’s
not going to respond positively because he can’t see and “feel” who you really
are. He needs at least a peek at your true essence, your glow and your Feminine
Grace.

I have several different books, all designed to help you glow more brightly, be
more attractive to every man, to be smarter about how to interact with men
(because I can also teach you to understand men) and how to keep his interest
long enough for you to determine if he is someone you want to continue to see.

If you don’t learn to do things in a new way, it is unlikely you will get what you
want. And if you’re over 35 or 40, you have to outshine all those younger women.
The only way you can do that is to learn to be open and available so he can see
who you really are. You must learn how to let your energy and your Feminine
Grace shine!

Which One Are You?

There are only three ways to impact how a man perceives you:

• Be Beautiful
• Be Neutral

• Be Ugly

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That covers most everything. Of course there are gradations in each of those
categories but I’m assuming you’d like to be in the beautiful category. To do that
you must be positive, gracious, fun, compassionate, appreciative, interesting and
interested… not just physically attractive.

You need to be the most beautiful woman you can be, particularly in “how” you
are. Men are attracted to beautiful women and it’s not all on the surface. A
woman who might be rated a five on the one-to-ten beauty scale can actually
boost her score several notches with a happy attitude. Men may like the idea of
dating a supermodel but the happy woman will win out over the great beauty
who’s neutral every time. There’s a reason all those models are single.

Neutral isn’t where you want to be because neutral isn’t memorable. It’s not bad
and a man can probably have a pleasant evening with you but he’s not going to be
intrigued enough to take you out again. So strive for beautiful in how you are
even more than how you look and you’ll be well ahead of most other women.

Now it’s time to get down to the real thorny issue of being ugly. I don’t mean
ugly in the physical sense, although it is important to look your best. No, I’m
talking about behavior and how you relate to others, which is all about your
energy and your glow. Following are a list of ways women are ugly. And when a
woman is ugly, she’s just as repellant to a man as if she smells bad.

Here’s a list of ugly behavior:

If you’re negative you’re ugly.
If you’re bitter you’re ugly.
If you’re a whiner or complainer you’re ugly.
If you’re mean and disrespectful you’re ugly.
If you belittle others you’re ugly.
If you’re angry with men in general you’re ugly.
If you make every new man bad and wrong for what some previous man

did to you you’re ugly.

If you’re selfish you’re ugly.
If you’re inconsiderate you’re ugly.
If you’re high maintenance you’re ugly.
If you talk about how awful your ex was you’re ugly.
If you’re judgmental you’re ugly.

Bottom line, all those unattractive behaviors are ugly and will always repel a new

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man. So if you’re any of the above, and have wondered why a man never called
back, now you know. If you’re not sure if you might have some ugly habits you
can ask a trusted friend, telling her that you want to be sure you’re not doing
damage to your chances of attracting your ideal man.

Ugly and neutral are out, beautiful is in. The best beauty tip I can offer? Be
happy, be appreciative and make him feel like he’s your hero. You’ll improve
your possibilities immensely.

Are You Picky Or Selective?

Being picky will limit your possibilities. When you focus on the superficial things
about a man like his height, what he does for a living, or if he lives in the wrong
zip code, you’re not giving a potentially great guy a chance. That’s all coming
from your head and your childhood fantasies that got lodged inside of you years
ago.

When I was a girl growing up in Los Angeles, Palos Verdes was considered grand
because my friends with snobby parents said it was. I didn’t quite know what that
meant but it sunk in as something impressive. So when I found out that Chris, my
partner, lived in Palos Verde’s, I expected a grand estate. Chris owns a nice home
but nothing like my fantasies had conjured up in my head. But I didn’t let my
disappointment interfere with seeing who he is as a man.

Maybe you think it’s okay to be picky. As one woman put it, “I like what I like.”
(She’s also still single.) Just know that being picky and sticking to what you say
you want, even when it’s unreasonable, limits your prospects terribly.

Let’s look at his side of the selection process. If it’s okay for you to be picky then
it should be okay for him to be as well. It has to go both ways. Actually, you
always need to look at each situation from both sides. If you only want a man
who’s 6 feet or taller, then don’t be upset when a man turns you down because
you don’t have large breasts or long, blonde hair.

More than anything, I want you to connect with a man’s heart. If you imagine
there’s a flow of energy – which, actually, there is – from your heart to his and
back, you’ll have a completely different experience of him… and he of you.

When you do that you can be selective, not picky and you can ignore the
superficial so you can see those things that simply will not be a match, such as

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wanting children or not. Something like that absolutely has to match. If you’re
allergic to dogs or cats, and he has either, then that might not work.

Other selective choices might be:

• You want a man who can see you at least two nights a week (that means

he’s available and makes being with you a priority)

• You want a man who is respectful of you and others
• You want a man who has integrity

These are things that you wouldn’t want to be without and that’s not being picky.

See Things Through His Eyes

To be open to what I’m about to say, you need to step away from the competitive,
even confrontational world of business. You’re looking for a man who will love,
cherish and adore you. So if you find yourself shutting down to this next part, you
might want to look at whether or not you’re harboring some anger toward men.

After two years of researching and studying men for my book, Men Made Easy, I
learned what makes men tick. Here’s an excerpt from my book that will hopefully
allow you to feel what goes on for men, how difficult it is for them. Yes, I know
most structures of society have been set up by men and make it very difficult for
women. Set that aside because this is about love and partnership. That can’t
happen if there is resentment and anger.

In my book, a wise woman, Diedra O’Connor, has three women meet with her
each week to learn about men. Here’s Diedra talking to the women:

“…Not only do most men not know how to express their

emotions, they don’t even have access to their emotions. Since they
were little boys, they’ve been taught not to feel. ‘Big boys don’t
cry, be a man, chin up, be strong, keep pushing, don’t be a sissy.’”
Diedra was silent for a moment.

“Let me tell you a little story about a man named David.

He’s been married for 12 years, has two kids, a nice house, two
cars, takes his family on a vacation every year. He’s created a
comfortable, stable life for his family. But, his life has just been
shattered because today he lost his job.

“On his way home, his concern for his wife grows. How is

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she going to react? he wonders. Arriving home, he’s greeted by his
wife, Betsy, while the kids play in the backyard. He puts his arms
around her, wanting to protect her from the world. After
explaining what has happened, he pulls her toward him. She cries
in his gentle embrace.

“A sweet scene, I’m sure you’ll all agree. But where does

David go for comfort? Who will hold him while he cries? Who can
he talk to about his fears and concerns for the future welfare of his
family? And how do you suppose it makes him feel as a man to
have lost his job?”

Men have nowhere to go to express or share their feelings. They rarely go to a
therapist because they’re supposed to have all the answers, to never appear weak
or out of control.

Did you know that males commit 72% of American suicides? I think this is
because they feel they have no one to turn to. Often, after a man commits suicide,
his closest friends and even his wife can be heard to say, “I had no idea… this was
a complete surprise.” Men are dying of loneliness, and no one knows. Maybe
knowing this will help you soften your heart.

Men Have A Short List

Men are simple creatures, which is why the title, Men Made Easy. The list of what
men are looking for is pretty short. They want:

• A woman they’re attracted to
• A woman they respect

• A woman who’s nice to them, appreciative and supportive
• A woman they can be proud of

• A woman who makes them feel like a man

That’s pretty much it. Oh, yes, and a woman who doesn’t beat them up. The first
few months of dating Chris, he kept saying with amazement, “I can’t believe you
don’t beat me up.” It was a complete novelty for him to be with a woman who
wasn’t getting upset, screaming at him, letting him know how he was failing and
what a disappointment he was.

Let Him Be Your Hero And You’ll Win His Heart

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Men enjoy being your hero. So the next time you’re out with a man, give him lots
of opportunities. But this isn’t about being high maintenance. That will send him
running. No, what I mean is let him show you a good time, impress you, see you
smile, open the door for you, help you with your coat, pull out your chair. Then,
tell him how much you appreciate what he does and who he is, and especially let
him know how much you appreciate his masculine qualities.

Here’s an assignment to help you practice letting men be your hero. At least two
times this week, look for opportunities for men to be your hero. Maybe it’s
someone at the market or in your office. It doesn’t matter. As you do this, be
aware of their soft, but protected and guarded hearts. Notice how this makes you
feel about them and see if you can feel your heart connecting to theirs.

Next, focus on their masculine qualities, but at the same time, remember what
society has done to shut them down. See if this helps you be more open to a wider
range of men.

Basic Do’s and Don’ts

When he calls for the first date:

• Do sound cheerful, as you should develop the habit of doing anyway. 38%

of the impression you make has to do with your voice inflection, tone,
pitch, loudness, modulation, etc. Make your voice smooth as silk and it
will immediately sound better and s mile when he calls because he’ll sense
it.

• If you think you might have an irritating voice or way of speaking (and if

you do, you already do know this from comments made over the years),
you can get help from a speech therapist. You have more control than you
think. I met a woman recently who had a tiny baby voice. If I was a man I
could not tolerate that for more than a first date. If you’re not sure, ask a
friend if you could benefit from a speech therapist. If you have an accent
that makes you sound ignorant, that can also be changed. Sure it takes
some work but it will open doors of opportunity for you, especially with
men. But foreign accents are very attractive so please don’t lose that if you
have one.

• Do practice being upbeat and open on every phone call you make or

receive so it becomes a habit.

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• Don't grill him and don't allow him to grill you. It’s better if you have a

comfortable conversation about general topics on the phone. That way
you’ll be more relaxed when you meet because you’ll feel like you already
know each other a bit. If he tries to grill you on the phone tell him that
would be fun to talk about when you meet. Then hope he forgets.

• If he asks where you want to go, don’t ever say, “Anywhere” or “It

doesn’t matter.” It matters to him, and if he’s asking he wants to do what
will make you happy. When you’re noncommittal you could be perceived
as boring. Or he might think you’re not interested, which will be
disappointing for him because he was looking for an opportunity to be
your hero. That’s what men love to do, so let them. If this offends you,
you’ll need to let go of that kind of thinking and knee-jerk reaction,
especially if you want to be with a really great man. If you learn to enjoy
him being a man, you’ll notice that it makes you feel more like a woman.
Women have changed a great deal in the years since feminism altered how
men and women interact. Men have changed much less. The greatest
change for men is that they are on guard, never quite knowing how a
woman is going to react. If you understand that men can’t help wanting to
make you happy by being your hero, that they have the hunter gene and
they need to do things for you, you’ll both better enjoy getting to know
each other. Note: If he doesn't ask you where you want to eat, ask him
how dressy or casual you should dress.

If you’re a self-sufficient, aggressive, feminist type, men will generally shy away
from you. They really don’t know what they’re supposed to do if they can’t do
things for you. They know you’re capable… actually, they like that you’re
capable. But they also need to feel needed, which makes them feel like a man. So
let them… no, encourage them and you’ll win their hearts.

In my book, Men Made Easy, you’ll learn everything you need in order to
understand the huge differences between men and women, and what to do to
completely empower you to nudge the direction of the relationship where you
both want it to go.

Before you leave your home or he arrives to pick you up:

You know this but I’m going to emphasize it. You only have ONE chance to
make a first impression. So make the effort to look nice. He might not say

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anything but he’ll notice. And if you show up in too casual clothes, hair thrown
together and no make-up, he’ll notice that even more. Be respectful of the fact
that he made the arrangements to set up the evening and wants to show you a
good time. And if he looks like a slob, that says a lot about him. It goes both
ways.

Be sure and take the time to apply a bit of flattering make-up. Think kissable,
approachable. If you’re inclined to wear heavy make-up, be forewarned that most
men don’t like it and that it will limit how many men will be attracted to you.

Regarding your hair? One word: Soft. It’s best to keep your hairstyle touchable,
shiny and soft. If you use too much spray or teasing, you limit how many men
will be attracted to you.

Dress like you enjoy being a woman, even if it’s jeans. Never, ever wear a suit –
especially a business suit – or a blazer. That type of attire turns off most men
because they’ve trained themselves to ignore that you’re a woman when you show
up in a business suit. Don’t be too sexy either. That will send the wrong message.
If you have too much cleavage he won’t be able to focus on learning who you are.

Please don’t blame the men, they really can’t help themselves. That too is
probably in their genes. Breasts seem to cause them to fall into the “deer in the
headlights” mode. Kind of cute if you think about it. A gentleman won’t ogle but
he will definitely be distracted. And most every man will think you want more
than a nice conversation, if you know what I mean. You don’t want to send that
message, at least not if you’re looking for long-term.

To be your best, especially if it’s a work night, do a relaxation exercise of some
kind. Either sit quietly with your eyes closed, or breathe deeply as you relax all
your muscles. Doing a visualization of the evening going great, with you both
having a good time, can be very effective. Or just take a few deep breaths with the
intention of relaxing and calming yourself. If you have time for a warm bath, all
the better.

It’s especially important that you shift your energy from the powerful woman who
is successful at work over to a feminine woman who enjoys the energy of a man
who’s attracted to her. If you allow yourself to slip gently into this kind of
glowing womanly energy you’ll find it a very nice way to be, especially in the
presence of a man. If this seems foreign to you, it’s one of the things you can
learn to develop in the Flirting Made Easy and even more so in Feminine Grace

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Made Easy. You can learn about all my books at KaraOh.com.

On the First Date

9 Don’t talk too much!

One of the things men complain about a lot is that women talk too much. This is
not to say that women talk too much. It simply means they talk too much for most
men. This is in large part because of the differences between men and women.

Men need clear, concise, get-to-the-point communication or they tune it out, get
frustrated or can’t follow. They basically need it to go in a straight line, Point A to
Point B. Women, on the other hand, like to meander. When two women get
together they might have an agenda of what they want to discuss, but along the
way they often roam over to a new topic, then that will lead them to another topic,
and another… you get the point. The fact that they might not get around to the
primary topic is not as important as that they connected, heart-to-heart.

This meandering drives men absolutely batty. You might have even had a man
say to you, “Can you just get to the point?” So when you’re talking with a man,
hold the visual of a straight line, no meandering paths.

Another thing that women do that frustrates men, and keeps us from traveling in a
straight line, is we love to share the details. If we’re sharing about the new
bedspread we purchased we’ll usually describe the fabric, the pattern, the texture,
the colors, the trim around the edge, how fluffy it is, or not, the pillows that go
with it… all the pillows. We love the details; they’re what make life interesting.
But men really don’t want to hear it. They’re not usually into the details, or even
notice them. Haven’t you noticed how detail-free a man’s home is? But they do
love how homey we make things so even though they don’t notice, they like how
it “feels” to be in a space that has been lovingly “detailed” by a woman.

One sure sign that you’re talking too much is when his eyes glaze over. If you’re
paying attention – like you should be – you’ll notice. When I’ve noticed this look
on men, I just stop talking. It’s amazing how often they don’t notice that I’ve
stopped. Since they aren’t listening, they probably assume I’ve finished.

When you realize you’ve probably caused him to tune out with too much
information, just say, “Enough about that, tell me about…” then ask him a
question that will be of interest to you both. And asking him (or anyone, for that

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matter) to talk about themselves always wins you points and they end up thinking
you’re an amazing conversationalist. I’ve included a list of questions below that
will give you lots of fun things to talk about.

9 Don't reveal too much personal information!

You’re much less likely to do this if you’re speaking in a straight line. The reason
you shouldn’t reveal too much too soon is that if you get into any personal story,
it’s too easy to get emotional, tell things that, on the surface, might make you
sound like you’re insane, bitter, angry, mean, weak, crazy, vindictive, etc. What
happens is whatever emotional outbreaks may have happened somewhere along
the way get triggered when you talk about them. That’s nothing he should know
about until you’re a settled couple.

If he asks questions about your past relationships, keep it as brief as possible and
always mention the good that was there… yes, no matter how badly it might have
ended, you were once in love so there is always some good to point to. Regarding
the break-up, just keep it simple. For example: “We realized we just weren’t
compatible.” If he presses for details, change the topic to something more fun to
talk about. And don’t press him for details about his past relationships. You can
both cover that ground if you end up dating exclusively.

9 Don’t talk about the negatives in your life!

The most attractive attribute you can have is to be a happy, positive woman. (By
the way, this goes for all relationships; with family, women friends, co-workers,
even yourself.)

When a man cares, he is literally driven, from a very deep biological place, to
make you happy. If you’re not happy, he feels like a failure. So if you go on about
all the negatives in your life, he’s not going to want to get involved. Why would
he want to take on that kind of burden? He knows that kind of woman wears a
man out. So often I’ve heard men say, when offering the reason they left a
woman, “I couldn’t make her happy.” And they say it with real failure in their
voice. It cuts at a man’s sense of who he is as a man to be with a woman who isn’t
happy.

So don’t get into a discussion about how difficult your boss is, how hard it is to
find time to go out, how your kids wear you out, how none of your dates work
out, or how you chose to hire a matchmaker because you never get asked out. Can

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you imagine how that would feel for a man who’s just getting to know you?

9 Do be a great conversationalist!

The most important part of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.
Most people think it means being clever, entertaining, witty and interesting. No,
to be a good conversationalist you need to be interested. Pay attention to what
he’s saying and use the phrase, with enthusiasm and sincerity, “Tell me more.”
Then ask questions about what he’s saying, which shows you’re interested and
paying attention.

If you’re even slightly interested in a man you should always go out on another
date if he asks because nervousness, which is a temporary thing, can cause most
people to be less appealing.

Of course, if he never asks questions of you then that’s a potential red flag. It
could mean he’s simply nervous – nervous people tend to talk too much and not
focus on the other person – so you don’t want to write a man off just for that.
That’s why a second date is so important.

Or, he might not be interested in you. You will probably be able to tell, but if not,
he won’t ask you out again, which is a blessing to not have to waste any more
time on him.

Some men are just so full of themselves that they aren’t aware of what the other
person might need. This is an opportunity to see he’s not someone you want to see
again.

Asking great questions keeps the conversation moving along and keeps both of
you interested in talking to each other. But don’t ask probing questions; it’s too
early. Ask questions that are fun and entertaining to discuss like the list of 1

, 2

and 3

Date Questions below. They’re designed to allow you the opportunity to

get to know him without probing.

Part of being a good listener is you don’t cut him off and interrupt him. Women
tend to do this to each other and we’re generally okay with it. Listen to a group of
women out to lunch and notice how they cut each other off, change the subject,
have several conversations going at once, bounce around on different topics…
then imagine a man in the middle of it, needing to go in a straight line. You can
see how important it is to pay attention to what you’re saying.

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9 Do have a positive attitude!

Talk about the good things that are going on in your life. What do you enjoy
about your job? What’s great about your friends and family? What do you enjoy
doing for physical activity? What creative outlets do you enjoy? A note of
caution: If you have an animal don’t go too overboard about how fantastic your
pet is. Men are on red alert for women who are over-the-top about their dogs or
cats. It’s okay to share a fun story or two but don’t give him the impression you’re
one of those crazy cat or dog ladies. If you are, that might be one reason your love
life hasn’t gotten off the ground. He wants to be your number one, not the guy
who has to stand in line behind a cat or dog, no matter how much he might enjoy
animals.

Simply put, let the real you – who is hopefully a happy and positive woman –
shine as brightly as possible.

9 Don’t assume or read into things too quickly!

Because you don’t know much about this new man who’s sitting across from you,
you might have the tendency to fill in the gaps when he shares something about
himself. If he says he enjoys drinking, don’t assume he’s an alcoholic. Let him
reveal that to you if it is, indeed, an issue. It will show up in his behavior very
quickly and you can let him know at that time that he’s not the right one for you.
At the risk of making him angry, it would be doing him a great service to tell him
that he seems like a terrific man but that his drinking is the reason you’re not
willing to continue to see him. Maybe it will be the wake-up call he’s been
needing. Probably not, but you never know. My mother was 44 years sober and
AA was very important to her so I know how people are with their alcohol. If
they’re not ready to give it up then they’ll pick the bottle over anything else. And
you cannot fix him so don’t even think about it. Run the other way.

If he says he enjoys sailing don’t assume he’s going to be out there every
weekend. Use the “tell me more” phrase and ferret out the real truth before you
make giant assumptions and drop him before he’s revealed what matters to him.
Same thing for golf, or bike riding or whatever his interests are. If one of your
Relationship Essentials is he should spend a lot of weekend time with you, it’s
good to know how much time he devotes to his interests. But he might spend that
much time because he doesn’t have you in his life. Do what I did when I met
Chris: Allow it to unfold in its own time in its own way. That’s how magic

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happens. You’ll know where he stands pretty soon. A good man is worth a bit of
time to discover the truth about how compatible you are.

9 Don’t badmouth your ex!

I mentioned above that you shouldn’t say anything negative about your exes. If
you do, any new man will assume you’d say the same things about him if you
went through a break-up. You’ll also very likely get into an “ugly” place, which
you want to avoid. Don’t bring it up and if he does, keep it respectful of what you
had that was good. The best way to talk about a past relationship is that it started
out great and ended up with both of you realizing it wasn’t going to work. That’s
most likely the truth, but without the gory details.

9 Do be aware of what’s going on in the world!

To be current on world affairs, at least to a degree, is good because if you don’t
know anything about what’s going on, or that it is going on, you look really
stupid. And any quality man wants a woman who is smart and up on current
affairs. You don’t need to know everything, just enough to be aware. So subscribe
to at least one current affairs publication and browse through it when it arrives. Or
get the Wall Street Journal online. It’s one of the best newspapers anyway. Then,
if a man brings up a topic you can say, “I’m aware of what’s going on with that
but I’m not certain what it all means. I’d love it if you would explain it so I can
understand it better. The media is so difficult to sort out sometimes.” That way,
you show you know what’s going on, but you also set him up with a wonderful
opportunity to impress you.

If he’s what I call a “Professor” who just wants to go on and on with his “lesson,”
then that’s a good piece of information to learn about him. If you like him overall
go out with him again. If he puts on his professor hat on the second date then that
tells you he’s comfortable doing that. If you like that quality, great. If you don’t,
great because he’s letting you know right away that his personality type and yours
don’t mesh. In your mind you can say, ‘Thank you for sharing’ and ‘Next!’ It’s
always good to know Intolerable Male Qualities early on so you don’t waste your
time or his.

Chris, my partner, is a professor and sometimes goes into his “teaching mode.”
He’s not at all your dry, boring professor type, but he can get going. So when he’s
starting to tell me something in a second, or for sure, a third way, we have a signal
where I say, “Thanks, I got it!” And he stops with his ‘lesson.’

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9 Do put your best foot forward on your dates!

Of course you should want to be on your “best behavior” by being a lady who is
gracious, fun, interesting, interested, appreciative and happy. Be yourself, not
something you think he wants you to be. But be the best version of yourself you
can possibly be. He wants to get to know you and you wouldn’t want any less
from him. If you have to work at being any of those things listed above, then you
need to practice on everyone until they’re a natural part of who you are. Because,
without those “beautiful” qualities, what takes their place could be ugly behavior
that you’re unaware of.

9 Do dress well!

I’m shocked at how many men tell me about the women they go out with who
don’t put any effort into looking nice. They say the woman often wears
unflattering casual clothes that look like she’s going out for a burger with a
girlfriend or shows up in a business suit that was obviously worn all day. Men
who interact with women in business suits in their work have trained themselves
to forget that they’re women. When men go out on a date, they want to be with a
woman who obviously enjoys being a woman and enjoys being with a man.

So wear your most flattering colors and styles but not too sexy. It doesn’t take that
much effort to go that extra mile. And it doesn’t have to be a dress or skirt,
although that usually will make you feel more womanly, but make it flattering.
Show off your figure, or if you’re not feeling that great about your figure, wear
the most flattering outfit that will bring out your best features. If he doesn’t dress
nice for you, that’s something to notice as well. If it happens on a second date, it’s
a pretty good indication that that’s his normal mode. If he’s great, you can help
him spiff up his wardrobe later.

Chris dressed like a professor when I first met him. Boring and old-mannish.
Once we knew each other well enough, I asked if he’d mind if I helped him pick
out a few things that would make him look younger and sexier. Notice those two
words: younger and sexier. What’s he going to say? It works every time.

9 Do remember to put yourself in his shoes!

Pay attention to how he might be feeling, how he might be reading the situation,
how different men are than women – like the discussion above about men needing

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

to communicate in a straight line and women preferring to meander. If you want
in-depth training on what makes men tick, why they do what they do, and what to
do to get more of what you want from them, you’ll definitely want to consider
Flirting Made Easy.

9 Do allow your heart to reach out to his!

My job as The Heart Whisperer is to teach you how to spend more time in your
heart and less time in your head. If you do that, you’ll focus more on who he is,
what I like to call the “gift” that lies beneath the surface, and not so much on what
I call the “package” (all the exterior things) that he brings with him. Sure you
want to like how he looks but if you focus on his heart you’ll broaden what’s
attractive.

Yes, you want him to have a solid secure job but if he doesn’t make as much
income as you said you were looking for, but he’s solid and secure, what really
matters is how loving and lovable he is. You cannot discover that by focusing on
the outer. You need to connect with his heart and hear the subtle whispers that he
reveals about himself.

If you’re certain that he’s not someone you wish to go out with again, that’s okay
but still connect to his heart. Why? Because he’s a fellow human being looking
for the same things you are and it’s a perfect time to practice all your relationship
skills, including “being” beautiful. When you’re not attracted to a man, it takes all
the pressure off so practicing is easier.

9 Do be consistent!

Men get nervous when a woman is “squirrelly” and unpredictable. Chris calls it
craziness – that’s how strongly he reacts to it. Men need to trust what they see and
the person they’re getting to know will be the same the next time… he needs to
know he can count on you being who he perceives you to be. One more reason to
be the real you and the best version of you.

If you have huge swings in your emotions, maybe from PMS, then don’t make a
date at that time when you’re first getting acquainted. Then, if you get more
involved, warn him so he won’t be blindsided.

9 Do have an opinion!

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

If he asks what kind of food you like or which movie you want to see, don’t say,
“I don’t care.” He wants to know who you are, what you like, what makes you
tick and that you care. Plus, and this is very important, he wants to be the man and
do things that make you happy.

He doesn’t want someone who will always acquiesce to his wishes either. That
and not caring put you into the neutral category and, after a pleasant enough
evening, you might not hear from him again.

If he wants to know what kind of food you like, give him just a couple of choices.
If you like everything except one or two types of food, tell him. If he wants to
know what restaurant you like, offer a couple of your favorite restaurants in two
different price ranges but don’t go too extravagant or you might come off as high
maintenance or a gold-digger. If he wants to go higher, he can choose to dazzle
you. Remember to look for ways to give him opportunities to be your hero.

If he wants to know your opinion on a current event, tell him what you think
without getting too worked up. High emotions scare men. If you don’t have an
opinion tell him truthfully that, while you know some of the details, you don’t
know enough to have an opinion yet. That at least shows you’ve thought about it.
You can then ask him to give you his thoughts on the topic.

9 Do return his calls promptly!

He’s gone to the trouble to contact you. The least you can do is return his call, and
within 24 hours. If you turn things around and see it from his perspective, you’d
want the same respect from him.

How To Avoid Being Nervous

On the topic of being nervous, there’s one sure way not to be nervous – focus on
him. Being nervous or worrying about how you’re coming across and fear of
being embarrassed all stem from the same place: you’re focused on you, not him.
It’s really quite simple: open your heart to his, remember he’s probably nervous
as well, make him feel comfortable, be kind and compassionate and he’ll think
you’re amazing and then neither of you will be nervous.

If you tend to get nervous when meeting new people practice the skill of focusing
on the other person’s needs while imagining your heart energy connecting with
theirs. Do this with everyone you meet when you finally go on your next date,

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

you’ll be doing it naturally.

With Awareness Your Dating Skills Will Improve

One of the things I stress in all my books, workshops and public speaking is
developing awareness. In order for you to have more of what you want out of life,
you must become more aware of what you say, why you react the way you do and
what you’re looking for. You can’t improve if you don’t know what needs
improving.

If you don’t learn what’s really going on, you’ll continue to have the same
outcome with each man. My job is to help you become more aware, allowing you
more choice, so you can transform your outcome and attract more high quality
men. If you want to find your ideal man you have to be a woman who can attract
the kind of man you’re looking for.

On the Second Date

On your second date follow the dos and don’ts for the first date above, but do one
more thing. Now that you have a sense he might be someone you’d like to get to
know better, go over the list you made of the “inner” qualities you’re looking for.
Be sure to connect with his heart, so you can feel what kind of man he really is
and notice how it feels to connect with him at that level. You’ll get a pretty good
sense if this is someone who can love you the way you want to be loved.

Be sure to read through the list of questions below and pick a few you think
would be fun to ask. They’re designed to help you create light-hearted
conversations while you learn about each other. Pick 3 or 4 and tuck them into
your purse to remind you.

On the Third Date

If you’re on a third date, there’s something about you that attracts, intrigues and
interests him. And obviously, if you said yes to a third date, you’re interested in
him as well. So my advice to you is to keep shining as brightly as you did on the
first two dates. Don’t do anything different because, if you’ve been showing him
the best you have to offer, the best version of the “real” you, not a “pretend” you,
then you’re doing it all right. Relax and enjoy getting to know this man.

After the third date it’s okay to go into more detail about past relationships, but

Dating Made Easy
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh – All Rights Reserved.

keep it unemotional so you won’t go into that “ugly” place. You’ve done a great
job of just having fun, not getting too serious about “where is this thing going”
and allowing your energy to glow brightly.

You’ve been practicing being beautiful, developed new habits of graciousness,
light-heartedness, and paying attention to his heart… and yours. And you’re
deleting ugly behavior. With new awareness, new habits and conditioning can
replace the old ways that have kept you from developing a loving, enduring
relationship. Please be sure and read through this book a few more times,
especially the do’s and don’ts section.

Don’t Have Sex Too Soon

This is a good time to talk about sex. The first thing I need to say is it’s better to
err in the direction of taking too long than it is to have sex too soon. There are a
couple of good reasons why it’s smart to wait.

First, when you start having sex, there’s a hormone they’ve discovered called “the
bonding hormone.” You literally get bonded even though he might not be a man
you want to consider for a long-term relationship. And when you get involved
sexually, a woman’s brain doesn’t seem to think as straight. You can’t be as smart
right at the time you should be deciding if you even want to continue with this
man. Often, we get turned on by his charm and good looks and forget to check
how well he fits our Relationship and Mate Essentials. The important word is
“essentials.” That means things that absolutely have to be there for you to want a
long-term relationship.

NOTE!!!

Having sex too soon is one of the best ways to get foggy on what you

really, truly want. It also makes you a bit forgetful about your list of Intolerable
Male Qualities. So if you EVER find yourself making excuses for a man’s
behavior, or starting to fudge on your Relationship and Mate Essentials, call your
friend who has your list and ask for coaching.

The second reason you shouldn’t have sex too soon falls under the heading of
Double Standard. You probably aren’t going to like this but it’s the truth and if
you’re looking for a quality man to create a life with, you’ll want a man like what
I’m about to describe.

If he’s seriously interested in you, and you have sex with him too soon, it’s
possible his response will be, “Darn, I thought she might have been ‘the one.’”

Sure, he’ll probably go ahead and have sex with you, especially if he’s attracted to
you, but he might lose respect for you enough to discontinue dating you.
Remember up above when describing men’s short list of what they want? They
need to respect you.

Not every man will fall into this category, but why take the risk when he could be
an ideal match for you. It’s always better to err on the side of waiting than having
sex too soon.

Have you ever had a great connection with a man, you have sex early on – first,
second or third date – it goes great, fantastic sex, then wham, you never hear from
him again, or when you do talk, he keeps being busy until he finally quits calling?
It could be that you said yes too easily. It may be other reasons, but is it worth the
risk? And why put yourself through that.

So don’t risk your chances with the man who just might be your ideal mate. It’s
not worth muddling your brain or causing him to think you do that with other
men. And when you say, “I never have sex this soon,” he won’t believe you
because that’s what most women say. He’s heard it too often.

You want a man who respects and cares enough about you to be willing to wait. If
he’s not, then you can thank him for showing you his true colors early on.

The right time to have sex is when you’ve finally gotten to know him well enough
that he is someone with whom you’d like to become exclusive, with both of you
assuming it will lead to a long-term relationship, even marriage.

Your Biological Imperative

As long as we’re on the topic of sex, here’s something more that you should be
aware of. Deep within your biology is a drive to procreate. When we’re younger it
colors our choices and decisions regarding the opposite sex. When we’re older,
we have more wisdom and we can make determinations that have more to do with
modern life, rather than a hunter-gatherer, procreation-based, hormone-driven
existence.

I bring this up so you can become more aware of what drives you. A desire for a
partner who can provide for you and who’s strong and capable are part of that
deep biology. But a desire for love, respect, passion, and a relationship that will
feed your soul has much less to do with survival. All these qualities are the luxury

of living in a western society where our survival needs are more than met.

So pay attention to your list of Relationship and Mate Essentials. If you’re over
35 or 40, most, if not all, of the items on your lists have nothing to do with
procreation or survival. They have to do with your deepest heart longings and
probably more than a few media-driven material desires. The point I want to make
is, the more aware you are of what causes you to do what you do, to react the way
you do, and to want what you want, the more choice you have of what you’ll
actually end up with. Awareness leads to Choice. Unconsciousness leads to
“same-old, same-old.” It’s very important to remember that.

Quick Reminders

Before You Walk Out The Door

1. You’re freshly bathed and smell nice without cologne.

2. You’ve chosen an outfit that makes you feel comfortable and confident.

3. Close your eyes and take 10 deep, relaxing breaths, letting each out slowly.

4. As you breathe, with a slight smile on your lips, feel gratitude in your heart.

5. Now, imagine your most womanly, feminine, gracious self and allow yourself

to feel beautiful, sensuous and magnificent. Your energy will shift
immediately.

6. Walk out the door feeling feminine, attractive, compassionate and curious.

7. Let your intention be that you are going to have fun, meet a new, interesting

man, and nothing more.

While On Your Date

1. Be positive and let yourself smile and laugh easily.

2. Be a good listener, ask fun questions, make soft but direct eye contact.

3. If you aren’t attracted to him, practice your dating skills.

4. Be open to what lies beneath the surface.

5. Let your heart reach out to his and the evening will take care of itself.

6. If you’re not attracted, be a lady no matter how the evening goes.

Managing Your Expectations

1. You can only get what you are able to give. If you’re looking for:

a. Emotional Qualities: love, generosity, compassion, etc.
b. Physical Desires: rich, handsome, great social skills, etc.

Ask yourself: What do I have to offer this perfect man?

2. No Wow! factor is often a good thing.

a. Didn’t you ask for a good solid citizen?
b. The Wow! wears off.

- Be sure there’s something great behind it.

3. Stop looking for the perfect partner.

a. The media and culture feed our expectations.

- How has it fed yours and how can you start being open to new

possibilities?

b. Don’t discount someone because some exterior goal is missing.

- And don’t take a so-so match and try to make him fit.

4. This is a real person with feelings.

a. Be compassionate.

b. Make each date an enjoyable experience for both of you.

c. Let your heart connect with his and see how that makes you feel.

5. On each date, don’t ask, “Why am I with this man?”

a. Ask instead,

- What is here that I don’t see?
- How is this man loveable?
- What makes this man a good man to be in a relationship with?

b. If you’re certain it’s not a match, ask:

- What can I learn tonight?

- How can this help me better refine what I’m looking for?

- How can I practice my dating and relating skills?

6. Age is a number. If you believe you’re “young for your age” why can’t he be?

7. Your goal should be to have a nice evening and have fun, not decide if this is

the love of your life.

a. Be excited about meeting a variety of nice men, and stop worrying

about where each date is leading.

- It will lighten your energy, which will make you more attractive

on many levels.

- It will help you stay open to new possibilities.

8. It’s not about chemistry, although that’s important, it’s more about energy.

a. Judge how you feel about this person from your heart, your soul, and

your gut.

b. Remember that you can only tell so much in a first meeting.
c. If there’s even a spark, and he is feeling it too, you should definitely try

a 2

date.

9. Get clear about your goals if you haven’t done so already:

a. Dating, 2

dates, marriage, children, etc.

- My course, How To Recognize The Right Man For You, available

as a bonus with Flirting Made Easy, will help you clearly
define all the things you want in a partner.

- The clearer your vision of your ideal partner, the more likely

you’ll get what you want.

Are You Picky?

1. Physical characteristics

a. Has to be 6 feet or taller
b. Has to have a full head of hair

2. Don’t want a man with cats
3. Don’t want a man who lives more than 5 miles away

Or Selective?

1. You want a man who wants children (or not)
2. You want a man who doesn’t have pets because you’re allergic
3. You want someone who can see you at least 2 nights per week
4. You want someone who is intelligent and enjoyable

Remember: If you only want a guy who is 6 ft. tall then don’t be surprised or
offended if guys aren’t picking you because you don’t have big breasts or long,
blonde hair.

Fun Questions To Ask Your Date

Here are some questions that are out of the ordinary and will be more interesting
than "What do you do?" and "Have you seen any good movies lately?" Later on,
after the third date, you can even make it a game by cutting up the questions and
each of you dating turns to draw a question out of a bowl and answering it. Note:
Don’t ask a question you aren’t willing to answer.

1st Date Questions

• What is one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?

• What historical figure would you like to talk to and what would you say?

• What do you think people most admire about you?

• In what ways do you think you’re unique?

• What are you really good at?

• What is the most beautiful thing you ever saw?

• What's your favorite way to spend time with friends?

• What kind of artist would you like to be and why?

• How would you like to be more adventurous?

• What is your favorite place in nature and what do you like to do there?

• Describe one of the happiest moments of your life.

2nd Date Questions

• Of what are you most proud?

• What are your three favorite things to do?

• On what do you most enjoy spending money?

• What three things are you most thankful for?

• What would you like to do for your work if money was not a consideration?

• Describe one of your most embarrassing moments.

• If you had to give away a million dollars, how would you do it?

• In what ways can a friend count on you?

• What is a favorite thing you like to do when you have time to yourself?

• What makes you sad?

• What is one of the bravest things you’ve ever done?

• What kind of classes would you like to take?

• What was our favorite toy as a child?

3rd Date Questions

• What is a secret dream of yours?

• What would you want to say on national TV?

• What are you afraid of?

• What physical trait do you like best about yourself?

• What would you do if you had only six months to live?

• What do you like best about the way you look?

• What is a favorite thing you like to do when you have time to yourself?

• What makes you sad?

• What do you like best about your personality?

• How would you most like to celebrate your birthday?

• What's the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

• What's the worst thing that happened to you when you were a child?

• What was the most difficult thing about school?

• In what ways are you disappointed about yourself?

• How would you improve yourself?

• In what ways are you most generous?

My Most Important Advice

Here’s what you need to remember. Relax, enjoy yourself, be open to something
that surprises you, be beautiful and gracious in how you are and how you treat
each man you meet, be appreciative, be fun, interesting and interested and allow
him at least one opportunity each time you meet to be your hero.

Remember, it’s just a date, not the one event that is going to mark the rest of your
life. It’s just a date…

From my heart to yours,

Kara Oh
The Heart Whisperer™
P.S. I invited you to learn about my other books as well as my Santa Barbara &
Kauai Soul Transformation Retreats:

http://KaraOh.com

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