Prologue
BPOV
The trees were in full bloom as I strolled along the promenade. The campus was always so
pretty in the summer time. I was both excited and petrified that I was finishing up my third
year. Only one more to go, I kept telling myself.
I rounded onto the Quad. The area was mostly grassy with a few picnic tables spread around.
With thousands of people attending classes here, it was amazing to me that they only supplied
six tables. But no matter how busy it got, me and my friends always seemed to get one.
"Hey sexy beast!" Rosalie called from Emmett's lap.
"Hey bitch," I replied, "I see you're saving seats, how environmental of you."
"Oooh, someone is on their rag," she teased, dripping with sarcasm.
By the time she had finished her sentence, I had arrived at the table. Sitting on the opposite
side of the table was my brother, Jasper, and his lifelong girlfriend, Alice. The feisty, little
sprite had moved across the street from us when she was three. She saw us playing in the yard
and came over, introducing herself as my new best friend and Jasper's future wife. Our
parents laughed at the time but Alice was dead serious and obviously correct. She was truly
the best friend a girl could have and I knew for a fact that Jasper had already bought the ring
and was waiting for the right time.
Rosalie and Emmett were newer additions to our group. I had met Rose when I tried out for
the cheer squad; we bonded at the auditions and became close friends when we both made it.
She and Emmett had been dating a year but had been screwing like bunnies for three.
I sat down next to Emmett and Rose, throwing my backpack on top of the table. My eyes
immediately flickered over to the single oak tree that stood tall in the center of the Quad. A
small smile crept on my face when I noticed the green eyes staring at me.
I called him the emo boy in my head. I didn't know his name but I did know him. He sat under
that tree every day with his small group of friends. They read books and chatted intensely. He
was the kind of boy who had a tortured soul. He never smiled, but he did do this crazy half
smirk thing that chicks go crazy for. In the two years I'd been watching him, I'd never seen
him laugh, really laugh. A small chuckle here or there, but never that embarrassing, I'm-
going-to-snort-milk-out-my-nose laugh.
So yes, I knew that boy in the corner, he was a serious student with a tragic past, and even
though he had been watching me for as long as I watched him, we were just too different to
mesh. The attraction was there, you could cut it with a knife, but we weren't compatible. He
would want an equally tortured soul and I was a girl with a fortunate life. My parents were
together, they supported me, and I'd never so much as lost a pet growing up.
"Just fuck him and get it out of your system already," Emmett said, breaking me off from emo
boy's gaze.
"Dude, that's my sister," Jasper complained from behind me.
"Not that we need to go over this again, but I don't have sex with people I don't love. I know
you sometimes forget that cheerleaders and whores aren't the same thing, but some of us have
morals."
"Well shit," he replied, "I'm sure glad I got one that doesn't have any of those." He threw back
his head and let out a loud guffaw. He continued laughing until Rosie slapped him upside that
head.
"Why don't you just go ask him out?" Alice asked sympathetically.
"I just don't think it would work out. He's too serious for me and I'm not serious enough for
him. It'd be doomed before we even started."
My friends left it at that and went to talk about something else. I wasn't paying attention
because I focused myself back on the boy at the tree. He wasn't looking anymore; he was
packing up his things and getting ready to leave. His shirt rode up on his back as he bent
forward, showing me a sliver of his pale skin. Most of the guys in my social circle went to the
tanning beds, and to see someone with such ivory skin was a turn on to me.
I watched his tall, lanky body move gracefully as he headed towards the Eastern building and
away from me. He stopped suddenly as if he forgot something and he turned giving me one
last look. I bit my lower lip as he produced that panty-dropping smirk before turning and
leaving.
And that concluded another typical year on campus.
EPOV
My messenger bag was slung across one shoulder as I entered the Quad area. The black
canvas bag was decorated with some of my favorite patches that I had found over the years,
my favorite saying: "God is dead: Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead: God."
I was dressed all in black even though the weather was warm, the truth was, all I owned was
black. When you are colorblind, it's easier to take the problem out of the equation. This way, I
always matched.
My best friend in the world was at my side. Jane stood about five feet tall and looked about
fourteen but that girl could debate anything. If you were a capitalist, she'd have you preaching
Marxism by the time she was through, just because she could. If this girl ever decided to take
over the world, I held no doubt that she could do it.
"I don't know how my professor even graduated elementary school; his view on
environmental law is absurd. The money you make protecting the environment is peanuts
compared to the money you make protecting criminals. Besides, where is the fun in defending
a tree?"
Did I mention she was also a little bit evil?
We sat down at our usual spot. Kate and Garrett were already seated and talking heatedly
about nuclear fusion. They were the smartest couple I knew and I rarely understood a word
they said, but they knew where to get the best weed and that made them good in my books.
I was a philosophy major and just finishing my third year. I was going for my PhD so I wasn't
even counting how much time I would have left. I was pretty sure I'd be done before I was
thirty.
I felt her before I saw her; I turned to see her walking towards her picnic table, the one she
and her friends always sat at. The way she moved could hypnotize a man. She was confident
and sexy, always with a smile on her face.
Some days when she was wearing her cheerleading outfit, it was near impossible to stay away
from her. It wasn't something I was ever attracted to before, cheerleaders, that is, but her in
that tiny skirt was heaven. She was completely different from me, where I was more shy and
withdrawn, she was bold and sassy.
I knew her name was Bella as I had heard her friends shout it enough times, but that was the
extent that I knew about her, besides the fact that she was beautiful.
She met my eyes as she always did and I was speechless. Her eyes were always so kind and
welcoming, even to me, someone she didn't know. I knew she felt the pull that I did, but the
truth was, she was the kind of girl who could have anyone.
What would she do with me?
We were from two different worlds and those worlds didn't mesh. Her life would leave her
with a successful businessman who would take care of her while she pursued her dreams, not
a boy that went to school for a degree he'd never likely be able to even use.
I sighed and stood up before bending down again to grab my bag, slinging it over my
shoulder.
"Hey Edward, are we going out to celebrate? End of classes!" Garrett exclaimed.
"Maybe later, I have a job interview."
"Oh, okay, good luck, man," he replied.
"Thanks," I said walking off.
I stopped, turning around to see her one more time. Goodbye, sweet Bella. See you next year.
Man, I hated the summers.
Chapter 1
BPOV
"Please at least eat something," my mom, Renee, shouted as I bypassed her in the kitchen.
Although the woman couldn't cook, so there was no way she should have been an advocate
for food.
"I've got a granola bar in my bag," I yelled back, grabbing my work vest and bag.
"That's not breakfast," she replied.
My dad, Charlie, watched with an amused face as my mother ran at me with an omelet on a
plate. The yoke was still runny and there were semi-cooked cornflakes in it.
"Mom, how am I supposed to eat that in the car?"
She gave me the mother eye and so I just rolled my eyes and took the plate. She meant well
but I definitely couldn't wait to move out of the house. With tuition being what it was, there
was no way I could afford an apartment, even with the student loans I was getting.
I propped the plate on the passenger seat and cursed the fact that my car was going to now
smell like my least favorite breakfast food. I started the car and my favorite tune came
blasting through the speakers, I threw on my shades and started singing along as I pulled my
car out of the driveway.
I pulled up to the store about five minutes before my shift started. ‘Stories' was the big chain
book store that had opened in the city about three years earlier, it had pushed a lot of the little
stores out of business but I preferred working for the bigger store anyway. The reason being
that with more staff it meant that there were more people available to change shifts with when
needed. If you worked in a store with five employees, there was no maneuvering room.
"Hey, Jess. Hey, Lauren," I greeted the till staff.
"Hi Bella," they replied in unison and then started giggling.
I headed back to the break room and stuffed my purse in my locker. Putting on my green vest
and name tag that said ‘Classics Specialist, Bella', I headed out onto the floor. When I started
working here, they asked me what books I liked to read. The truth was that with school work,
I hadn't read a book for fun in years, so I told them that the last books I read were Austin and
Bronte books, because that was the truth. We had studied several of the books by those
authors in English class. This was how I became a ‘Classics Specialist'.
"Hi James," I said as I passed my coworker. James and I ended up working a lot of the same
shifts and we were what I liked to call work friends. We didn't hang out any other time but
while we were in the bookstore, we were quite close.
"Bella, hey! Glad to be done school for the summer?"
"Ugh, yes," I replied. I was looking forward to having some time off from studying. I had to
work really hard to keep my grades up. It didn't come natural to me like it did for some people
but that didn't mean that I wasn't smart, it just meant I had to put in more time than most.
James was taking a year off after high school, saving some money to travel. He had no idea
what he wanted to do with his life but the idea of bumming around Europe for a few months
seemed like a good way to find out.
"I put your cart in your section," James said as he headed off.
"Thanks."
I headed over to my assigned section. We were all given areas that we were in charge of. We
had to tidy up and stock these areas as well as help any customers that came to us. The store
was usually pretty dead in the mornings, so stock was usually all we had to do.
I noticed on my cart that there were a couple books with a paper wrapped around them,
indicating that they were holds. I took those up front first.
"Did you see the new guy in receiving?" I overheard Lauren ask.
"No? Is he hot?" Jessica responded eagerly.
"Ew, no, he's a total freak. He's got that Goth thing going on but like, please, that was so four
years ago."
"Totally," Jessica laughed.
I wanted to tell them that it wasn't nice to talk to people like that. They don't know his story. I
hated to hear people ragging on someone when they couldn't defend themselves.
I kept my mouth shut, though; I didn't want to rock the boat. I had to work with these girls and
while they were friendly with me, I had no doubt that they would stab me in the back given
the chance. I handed the books over to the girls so they could put them on the shelves behind
the tills.
I headed back to my section and efficiently put the books on the shelves. It took me no longer
than a half hour to empty the cart. There had only been one customer wander through the
store and James had helped him so I was stuck with nothing to do. I took my cart back to the
stock door, intending to drop it off when I saw another cart waiting for me, ready to go.
Our previous receiver had never had anything ready to go until two hours into his shift at the
earliest. I wasn't sure who our new stock boy was, but I was happy that he was a hard worker.
I emptied two more carts by lunch, and helped a handful of people. The stockroom door was
located next to the break room. As I approached, I saw a flash of someone storm into the
stockroom. I didn't get a good look at him but I could definitely say he wasn't Goth. He wore
a pair of baggy, black pants and a black hoodie, with the hood pulled up. He reminded me of
my emo boy and I smiled a little.
I headed into the break room to find Jessica sitting down at the small table. There was only
one way to describe the way she looked -- pissed. I grabbed my lunch out of my locker and
sat down. I always felt these types of situations were awkward. I didn't want to bother said
pissed off person, but I also didn't want to be the shit that didn't ask them what was wrong.
"Are you okay?" I asked as I pulled out my salad from my lunch bag.
"Yeah," she replied unconvincingly.
I took that as my hint to back off, so I pulled the lid off my Tupperware container and mixed
in the salad dressing I brought. I took a large bite just as Jessica spoke again, "I mean
whatever, it's his loss."
"Whose loss?" I asked with a full mouth.
"Edward, the new stock guy. I asked him to a party this weekend and he totally blew me off. I
mean, I was just trying to be nice."
"Is this the new stock boy that Lauren said was freaky looking?" I asked wondering if her
comment stemmed from being shot down.
"Yeah, bitch! He's totally fine." I giggled, which was apparently the wrong thing to do
because Jessica shot daggers at me through her eyes. I arranged my face to show the proper
amount of chagrin, this seemed to appease her. "I mean, come on, what kind of friend calls
dibs on the new cute guy? At least she could have let me have a fighting chance." I waited for
the punch line but it seemed as though she was completely serious.
"That sucks," I replied to her, not really sure what to say to her absurdity.
"I know, right? Anyway, I have to get back. Catch ya later."
"Bye," I replied, going back to my meal. The next twenty-five minutes I spent imagining how
the new guy turned down the twosome from the tills. I loved me time.
The afternoon was much busier and therefore it flew by. My feet were aching by the time my
shift was done. I bought the shoes because they were comfy but I was so used to walking in
heels that my legs were hurting from being in flats.
After getting home, I jumped in the shower. It took me about ten minutes to wash my hair
and shave my legs. I was not one of those girls who took forever to get ready, truth be told, it
bored me to primp, but that's not to say I didn't like to look nice.
I blow dried my hair and used the flat iron to straighten it. My makeup was minimal but I
never left home without foundation on. It kept my skin feeling good as well as looking good. I
knew we were going out dancing so I added a bit of eyeliner and some lip gloss.
My phone vibrated across my desk as I pulled my shirt over my head. Rosalie's name came
across the screen and I smiled as I picked it up. "Hey girl, what's up?"
"Emmett just picked me up, we'll be there in five," she replied.
"Okay, I'm on my way down."
I grabbed my wallet and my rape whistle and headed downstairs. My parents were curled up
on the couch together watching television, and while the thought of them being snuggly was a
bit gross, I did think it was nice to still have parents together.
Jasper was in the kitchen chugging back a glass of water. His blonde hair was looking shaggy
and I wondered if, no not if, when, Alice was going to take a pair of scissors to it.
"You keep out of trouble tonight, little bro," I laughed.
"Shut it," he replied, going in with his hand to muss up my hair. I dodged him and laughed.
"Too slow," I teased.
Jasper rolled his eyes and left the room. I know he was upset that he wouldn't be joining us
but he was still twenty and there was no way the rest of us were chancing getting kicked out
of a bar by bringing our only underage friend with us. I know Alice always offered to stay
home with Jazz when we went out to the clubs but he played the good boyfriend and told her
to have fun. He knew he could trust her and us to keep her safe from trouble.
The truth was, Alice was mugged when she was eighteen and had taken martial arts classes
after, leaving her plenty capable to take care of herself.
A loud rumble and a honked horn alerted me to the fact that Emmett's overly pimped jeep was
in my driveway. If Rose hadn't told me that Emmett was packing, numerous times, I would
have been sure that the thing was compensation for a tiny pecker.
"Later families," I called out as I headed out the door.
"Have a good night, honey," my mom responded, calling out over the sound of the door
shutting.
I slipped in behind the all-American couple, taking my place in the backseat. Rosalie was
more stunning than any one woman had the right to be. She had long, silky blonde tresses that
seemed to have a life of their own, punctuating her beauty. Emmett was built like a
quarterback with a face any mother would want to pinch. His smile lit up the room and was
coupled with the most adorable dimples known to man. Top that with dark, curly hair and he
had the women swooning.
The music in the car was loud so I kept quiet while I watched Rosalie not-so-subtly rub
Emmett's leg. Rosalie was studying graphic design; she was a wonderful artist even if her
ideas weren't always the cleverest. Emmett, however, blew every stereotype out of the water
with his 4.0 grade point average. And he managed to maintain that while hitting nearly every
party his Engineering buddies threw.
They were really perfect for each other, but I had a feeling they screwed around with each
other too much to really have gotten to a serious stage.
There wasn't much talking on the way to pick Alice up, Emmett liked to play his music really
loud so I just sat back and enjoyed the few minutes off my feet. We arrived at Alice's place
knowing that we would have a bit of time to kill before the club was jumping.
"Hey, come in," Alice said answering her door in nothing but a towel.
"Hey sexy, nice of you to get ready for us," I teased, smacking her on the behind.
"Enough out of you, Swan," Alice retorted before mooning us all and heading back into her
room, giggling.
Emmett made a good show of looking away when Alice pulled her stunt but the look on his
face said that he enjoyed the little display. Who could blame him, really? Alice was tiny and
firm.
I sat down on her sofa, plopping my feet up on her coffee table. Rose wandered over to the
kitchen and Emmett stayed standing, shoving his hands in his pockets. Rose emerged less
than a minute later with the booty.
"Kahlua!" she exclaimed as she held her treasure high for us to see. Emmett's face lit up and
he stalked towards her, she quickly put the bottle behind her back and shook her head. "None
for you, designated driver."
I laughed as Emmett put a pout worthy of a two year-old on his face. We had a way of
discerning who would be our DD each time we went out. It was a simple game of twenty-one.
The winner of each round would be immune and sit out the next round. The last loser would
become our driver for the evening. Emmett had lost the last three times and his good
sportsmanship was running out.
Rose and I started doing shots of the creamy liquor; Rose normally out drank me by two to
one. I didn't really like getting smashed but I did like to get a good buzz before going to the
club so that it wasn't as expensive to maintain it.
Alice came out after Rose's fourth shot, grabbing the bottle from our fair friend and taking a
big swig. Because she was so tiny, one long take from the bottle would be enough to keep her
buzzing nearly all night.
We arrived at the bar about an hour later than we intended on, but everyone was sporting a
nice buzz so we didn't mind, well everyone but Emmett, that is. The girls grabbed a table
while Emmett and I went to get the drinks from the bar.
After dropping off the fruity concoctions at the table, I excused myself to use the washroom. I
tousled my hair in the mirror and stared hard at my reflection. I was pretty enough. Nothing
was wrong with me, so I wondered why no one interesting was ever interested in me. I figured
I was pretty boring so I didn't have much to bring to the table. Still, I'd been told I was a pretty
good kisser, and that had to count for something.
Sighing, I made my way back towards my friends. I wasn't paying much attention because I
bounced right off of some poor guy just standing by a table.
"Oh crap, sorry," I said gripping him in attempts to not fall on my ass.
"Beautiful girls are always forgiven for running into me," the man replied. I looked up to see
him, he was absolutely huge. Standing easily at six seven, the dark-skinned boy was actually
really cute. I gave him a quick grin and then turned to leave.
"I'm Jacob," he said, trying to get me to stay, so I did.
"I'm Bella," I replied, sticking out my hand for him to shake.
"I know, I've seen you around," he answered, causing me to blush. I hated when people
recognized me and I'd never seen them. How oblivious could I have been to miss this giant
man, he was bigger than Emmett for crying out loud!
"Oh, so do you go to the U?" I asked, assuming he must attend the same school as me.
"Yeah, I'm on the basketball team, you guys cheer at our games," he replied, smiling.
I felt like an even bigger idiot. "In my defense, we face the crowd and not the players," I said
trying to be witty.
He laughed before answering, "In that case, you should be mad at me for recognizing you
from just your behind."
An equally large guy approached Jacob and slapped him on the back. "Hey Jake, we are
taking off, kind of dead in here tonight." Jacob returned his friend's comment with a pointed
look and I had to stifle a laugh when his friend kept the same blank expression on his face.
"Okay, Sam, just give me a minute," he replied. His friend took off and I suddenly felt
nervous.
"Uhm, well it was nice to meet you," I grappled.
"Bella, would you like to go out sometime, for coffee or something," he asked.
"Uh sure," I replied. I always felt that everyone deserved a chance. If someone were going to
take the courage to ask me out then I would at least give them a date. Besides, Jacob was
attractive, and while he didn't spark the same feelings in me as emo boy, he was definitely
more in my league.
EPOV
I arrived on my first day of work to find that the manager had called in sick and he left a
perky blond in his wake to show me around. Lauren, as she told me her name was, was quick
to show me the erotica section as well as the sexual self-help books. She couldn't have been
more obvious if she pulled up her skirt and drew a diagram of where she wanted me to touch.
She was brass and classless and not at all what interested me.
I kept a certain friendliness to me but when she flat out asked me out, I had to decline, and
firmly. She was the type of girl to get it into her head that you were playing hard to get.
Needless to say, after I let her down, I showed myself around the rest of the store.
There was a binder in the back with my job description, so I didn't really need any one-on-one
training. That suited me fine because I preferred to work alone. The truth was, I was painfully
shy and that was the main reason I couldn't work in the retail side of things.
I had most of the books unpacked and sorted on carts before lunch. The book told me that
there would be a magazine shipment in the afternoon, so I would still have stuff to do. I
headed to the break room, putting my headphones on under my hoodie. I grabbed my lunch
and book from my locker and sat down, ready for a quiet read. Unfortunately, I was not alone
for long; a curly-haired brunette sauntered her way in and sat down across from me. She
stared at me until I couldn't take it any longer and I looked up.
She batted her eyelashes at me. Who the fuck does that? When she felt she had my attention,
she leaned forward, resting her chest on the table causing it to push up. I fought the urge to
roll my eyes before I returned them to my book.
I heard her voice murmur something and as much as I wanted to ignore her, I knew that she
was a coworker and I should at least try to be nice. I removed my headphones before asking
her to repeat what she said.
"I said: I'm Jessica."
"I'm Edward," I replied in a clipped manor.
"Well Edward, there is this party tonight..."
"Let me just stop you there, Jessica. I don't know if I have a sign on me that says ‘ask me out'
but I'm not interested in dating."
Apparently that wasn't clear enough because she started whining at me, "Everyone is
interested in dating, unless you are looking for something simpler."
"Holy shit, did you just proposition me in the lunchroom at work?" I didn't let her answer
before I continued, "I tried this the nice way but it doesn't seem to work here. I don't want to
date you, I don't want to fuck you, I'm pretty sure I don't even want to have a conversation
with you."
I grabbed what was left of my lunch and stormed out the door and back into the stock room. I
guess I would be eating my lunch in there from now on.
The rest of the day went smoothly, it was possible that there were more female coworkers that
would hassle me but it seemed as though the throngs had stopped. I was thankful to finish the
day in peace.
I slipped my phone out of my pocket when it buzzed against my leg. I had just climbed into
my car and was ready to head home after work.
E- TP and shots! My place- J
I smirked before sending a quick text back in the affirmative. TP, stood for Trivial Pursuit,
which to most people was a boring game. We were intelligent people, but when you added
shots to the game, we tended to get drunk fast. I think we mostly tended to throw the first few
questions so that we could get a buzz but then the alcohol would kick in and then the liquor
flowed.
I pulled up to the apartment building. Jane lived in what they called off-campus housing, but
really it was just a dilapidated structure that the University had purchased to rent out to
students. Jane loved the place, she considered it her slumming phase. Convinced that she was
going to be pulling close to six figures right out of school, she was enjoying her ‘poor' time.
Truthfully, I think she just felt comfortable around the cockroaches.
Kate and Garrett were already there when I arrived; they were quietly discussing something
with great vigor while Jane set up the board. I sometimes wondered what their foreplay was
like. I could imagine them trying to build some kinetic energy of their own with some weird
tribal seduction dance or something. I immediately halted the thought of that. Garrett was a
nice guy but I definitely didn't need the visual of him getting down and dirty.
"Okay losers, let's do this," Jane stated loudly even though there wasn't much noise in the
room. Jane always spoke a little too loud. Being small, I think she overcompensated, making
sure that she was never ignored.
I grabbed a large pillow off the sofa and threw it down next to the coffee table. Kate and
Garrett sat opposite of me on the couch and Jane sat on an ottoman to my right.
"Okay, who is starting?" Kate asked, shifting away from Garrett, as if he could steal her
answers through osmosis.
"Edward. He won last time, so he starts," Garrett reminded.
Jane grinned as she filled the shot glass in front of me. We played slightly different from most
people, since we all found the game relatively easy following the rules, we allowed the reader
to pick the question from the card they wanted to ask regardless of the color we landed on.
Picking a card, Jane studied it before reading the question out loud. "What does Simon
Wiesenthal hunt?"
I ran my hands through my hair. No matter how much I wanted the first shot, I hated getting
the first question wrong. "Nazi fugitives," I responded, causing Jane to wrinkle her nose in
distaste.
I laughed as I passed the shot glass over to Kate. I selected a card from the box and smiled as
I saw the perfect choice.
"What are Alvin, Simon, and Theodore?"
The question would have been easy to pretty much any other person born in North America,
but Kate came from an academic home and TV was strictly forbidden when she was growing
up. She continued to stay away from anything pop culture in her teen years which has left her
with a brilliant future but no chance at ever answering an ‘entertainment' question right.
"Fuck," she said as she grabbed the glass and tipped it back. She slammed it in front of
Garrett before picking a card to read.
In four rounds, I had only had one shot so I started throwing my answers a bit. But round
ten...or was it eleven, I had a good buzz.
"Enough of this shit," Kate whined, picking her piece off the board and throwing it. She had
drunk all but one round thanks to me knowing her Achilles' heel.
We smoked a bit of weed after that. Jane was pretty competitive, so anytime she played a
game, she needed a bit of a wind down after. She was actually pretty awesome when she got
high, which was good since we got high pretty often.
Jane slipped down on the floor as we passed the joint around. She maneuvered her tiny ass
onto the corner of my pillow and leaned her back against my side. The bones of her spine hurt
as they dug into my arm but a couple hits later, I barely noticed.
This went on for about an hour before I took off for home. My friends and I were pretty
relaxed together and that was the way we liked it. We all had our own shit to deal with and the
last thing we wanted was for it to be rehashed every time we were together. That's not to say
that we never talked about it, I knew what all their deals were. Kate grew up in an abusive
household; her father beat her when she came home without anything other than an A-plus.
Garrett had horrible acne and no friends through his high school years, and Jane, well Jane
had too many vices to count. I, of course, had my own story and they knew enough about it to
leave it alone. It was a courtesy we extended to each other. If we wanted to talk, it was up to
us to initiate the conversation.
I headed back to the dorm. I stayed on campus because it had been the cheapest option for me.
My roommate literally never was there. If his stuff hadn't been in the room, I would have
wondered if he ever actually moved in. I was pretty sure it was one of those, ‘I'm living in the
dorms to appease my parents when in actuality I am screwing my high school sweetheart six
ways from Sunday in the fancy apartment her parents have paid for'.
Lucky bastard.
I peeled my hoodie off my body along with my tee shirt and tossed it toward my laundry
hamper. I missed but left them there. My pants were the next to go, I pulled on a pair of green
pajama pants, or they could have been blue, I could never quite tell. I had received them as a
gift from my mom the previous Christmas.
I sat on the floor and did a few sit ups, I wasn't a health buff but I liked to keep my stomach
toned. I kept at it until my abs burned and then I rolled over and did a few pushups. Grabbing
my shaving kit, I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. The view in front of me told me
in the mirror told me that I needed to get a haircut.
When I got back to my room, I set my alarm before climbing into bed. I worked again in the
morning and it was already getting late. I closed my eyes and the first image to pop into my
head was Bella's face. I didn't know why I was surprised, she had been infringing on my sleep
more and more as the past semester went on. I didn't know what changed, I mean we had been
watching each other for two years, but recently it was like I couldn't get her out of my head. I
supposed it was because she was so unattainable. She was too good for me, but she was
certainly perfect for my fantasies.
I pictured her in her cheerleading outfit, which is so out of character for me. Of course she
looks hot as hell in it, but girls like that had never been my style. I find it silly trying to
imagine her doing a little cheer for me so I change directions and put her in a black leather
corset with matching thigh high boots. But then she looks too harsh, so I just picture her in a
pair of jeans and a tee shirt.
This one works for me and I find myself almost feeling her on top of me, kissing and
touching. It takes almost no time at all for me to come, but that was kind of the point. I wasn't
after stamina; I just wanted to get off so I could sleep. Funny thing was that Bella followed
me into my dream.
I woke the next morning with a hazy remembrance of Bella in my dream, I was pretty sure it
wasn't an erotic dream but I was still sporting some morning wood, and not just a semi, either.
I showered, changed, and headed into work. I couldn't seem to fight the feeling that something
big was going to happen. I hated when I got those feelings because in the past they had almost
always been negative. I drove extra careful, not wanting to fuck with fate.
I headed quickly past the front door, feeling the scowling eyes of the dipshit twins on me. I
rounded a tall display and knocked right into someone, sending them flying to the ground.
"Shit, sorry," I said crouching down to help her.
When she lifted her head, I nearly gasped. There, splayed out on the floor in front of me in a
‘Stories' shirt, was the girl that had been invading my fantasies for the past two years.
Her name came out in a near whisper
"Bella."
Chapter 2
"Bella," my name came out like a chorus of angels singing. My mouth dropped open hearing
my name come out of emo boy's mouth, but then my dumb ass realized that I was wearing a
name tag. Of course he didn't know my name, how would he?
I stared at his pretty face, I mean the boy was good looking from afar but up close he was
spectacular. His hair was the color of a bright penny and his skin was alabaster, I could see
traces of his blue veins running through his neck. Poets could write entire sonnets about the
color of his eyes; even Ireland didn't hold that shade of green. His nose was straight and
strong and when my eyes lowered to his lips, they smirked.
"Are you okay?" His voice was lyrical, like an old film star mixed with a bit of cockiness; I
realized that I had been gawking at him. Did I mention that he was dressed all in black again?
Because he was.
"Uh, yeah, sorry."
"Why are you saying sorry, I'm the one that knocked you down?" His smirk seemed to have a
personality of its own and it fed of my discomfort.
"Oh, sorry," I said before squeezing my eyes shut and praying that the earth would gobble me
up.
When I opened my eyes, not only was Edward staring at me but James had wandered over to
bask in my stupidity. Super.
"Bella, are you on the floor again?" James laughed, "I swear this girl spends more time on her
knees around here."
"James!" I shouted, my face turning scarlet.
"Oh shit, I didn't mean it like that," James backpedaled but it was too late, emo boy had lost
interest and was looking away. James extended his hand and I took it, pulling my awkward
self off the floor.
"Whatever," I replied walking away before mumbling, "Well he won't be staring at you next
year."
I spent most of the day trying to remember what Jessica and Lauren had told me his name
was, but unless I repeated a name in my head at least twenty times when I met someone, I
never remembered it. I didn't see emo boy for the rest of the day but I could feel him. My
imagination was working in overdrive because it knew he was just behind the stockroom
doors. I wondered if he was thinking of me. At least now he had a name to work on, I was still
stuck calling him emo boy.
By the time Jake picked me up from work, I was wishing I had called to cancel. He had called
me right after I got home the night before and insisted on taking me out for ice cream after my
shift. After the day I had, I really wanted to go home and wallow in self pity. Seeing emo boy
up close had procured the fact that I was not his type. Not only would he want a girl that
matched his style but she would also need to be fantastically beautiful, like a fairy or
something.
"Hi Bella," he said with a toss of his head, flipping his hair back.
"Hi Jake," I replied, climbing into his car. He had waited for me in the parking lot and flicked
his lights on and off when he saw me come out of the store. This was the type of guy I
attracted, nice looking, nice guy, but totally clueless to romance.
He waited until I fastened my seat belt before gunning his engine; I looked out the window to
avoid rolling my eyes. My sight landed on emo boy as he headed out the front of the store.
His eyes found mine immediately as if they were magnets seeking out their opposites.
Without thinking, I raised my hand and gave a little wave.
The smirk came back in full force as he nodded his head in my direction, but when he looked
past me at Jake, it fell. As Jake drove away, I saw emo boy pull up his hood, shove his hands
in his pockets, and make his way across the parking lot.
Jake had the music just too loud that we couldn't really talk. By the time we reached the ice
cream shop, my voice was sore from all the near yelling.
I sat with my scoop of mint chocolate chip and listened as Jacob told me all about himself. In
great detail. I stifled three yawns before he even took a breath.
"And this guy said that I totally could model, he gave me his card and everything," Jake
boasted. While I had no doubt that he could model if he wanted to, I just didn't see that as
being great first date conversation. Although ‘conversation' was too kind of a word, it was
more like a lecture. Jake 101. I wondered if it was too late to drop the class.
When Jake dropped me off at the end of the night, I avoided the first date kiss by telling him I
thought I might be coming down with something. My hoarse voice from yelling in the car
helped me back up my story.
Jake was the kind of guy I always went out with, not because they were who I was attracted
to, but because they were who I attracted. That's not to say I didn't try to attract the type of
guy I liked but I refused to change who I was. I asked out several boys in high school but I
always got one of three answers:
I'm just not good with girlfriends.
I'm really flattered but I think we'd make better friends.
And the best one: sorry, who are you again?
A girl can only take so much rejection before she starts just taking what she's offered.
I know it's not entirely fair. I had Mike. We dated for a year and I loved him, he was a nice
guy with a nice family. He treated me right and I had no complaints but when it came down to
it, there was no fire. I tried so hard to have fire with him that I think I ended up fanning out
the tiny flame we did have. We keep in touch and he's now dating a lovely girl that I think is
perfect for him.
I had the next day off work, so I grabbed my camera and headed to the nearest park. It was a
hobby that I had picked up in high school and now loved. During the school year, I rarely had
time to go out, plus I hated the cold so I didn't really want to go out in the winter.
The park was lush and green and filled with interesting things to take pictures of. I loved
taking pictures of the weathered bench by the bronze statue or the textured bark on a tree. I
even had a micro lens to allow me to take pictures of the tiny flowers that grew scattered over
the ground. Everything in my lens told a story and all of them were about life and beauty.
I tried once to do a dark shoot, an empty space, a dilapidated building, but my lighting always
seemed to make it look magical, unearthly. I could never capture the mood I desired. It just
wasn't in me, it seemed. It wasn't that I didn't take nice pictures; they just never had that
quality that makes artist brilliant. I was the last thing from tortured, I was like the anti-
tortured.
I looked through my viewfinder, scanning the landscape for my next shot, when emo boy
came into my sight. He was looking right at me and it caused me to drop the camera from my
eye in a flash. He was sitting by a large tree in the park with a girl. I had seen her with his
group before, she was blonde and tiny. I didn't think they were together, but I could never be
sure. He nodded his head at me, like he had done the previous night, and I raised my hand.
The blonde girl said something to get his attention and then passed a cigarette over to him. He
took it and inhaled deeply, making me wonder if it was something other than a cigarette. I had
never tried drugs and I didn't really see the point. I was weird enough without enhancers.
He didn't look back but started in a conversation with his...friend? Rather than be caught still
staring if he did decide to look back, I raised my camera and started searching again. I
couldn't focus with him sitting so close to me. His perfection had marred the beauty of the rest
of the park.
I sighed and packed away my camera, deciding to call it quits for the day. Heading towards
my car, I tucked my camera in its case. My hair obscured my view and I didn't see the person
in front of me until I crashed right into him. My head collided with a strong chest, causing my
balance to wane and propel me backwards. Strong arms grabbed a hold of me but my weight
was already in motion and so all that resulted was me dragging this poor person over with me.
I landed with a thud and the wind flew out of my chest when a man landed on top of me.
"Oh crap," I said. "I am so sorry."
"No, it was completely my fault for trying to be chivalrous."
I looked up at him, confused, until I saw he was joking. He slid off my body and I got a good
look at him. He was a decent looking guy, tall but not too tall, blonde but not too blonde, tan
but not too tan.
"Well give it another shot and help me up," I said coyly. He assessed me a moment before
taking his chances and reaching out to help me up.
"I'm Riley," he said, smiling with a white but not too white smile.
"Bella," I replied, letting go of his hand
We made small talk for a few moments but the knowledge of emo boy behind me kind of
killed the flirtatious mood for me. I felt a little frustrated that I was measuring up boys that I
didn't even know. It wasn't fair to either of them. I wondered if emo boy would even match up
to the pedestal I had placed him on.
"Well it was nice meeting you, Riley," I said, closing the conversation.
"You too, Bella," he replied with a smile.
He didn't ask me for my phone number and I was relieved. I had just had one bad date with
Jacob and I wasn't sure I was ready to dive into another one blindly.
EPOV
Jane and I had just settled down to smoke a joint in the park when I looked up and saw Bella.
She was about thirty feet away but I knew her instantly, even with the camera obscuring her
face. Jane looked over and saw what I was staring at but said nothing. She didn't have to, her
rolling eyes were more than audible.
I had never seen Bella look so free. I never noticed that she was stiff when she was with her
friends but seeing her like this, I knew that she put up a front, a performance for the world. I
felt honored to see her like that; it was almost like spotting a rare creature in its natural
habitat.
I didn't expect Bella to notice me but the moment she did, her body language changed. She
stiffened up and the calm beauty I had just been admiring disappeared. Her mask was back on
and it was so immediate that I wondered if she was even aware she did it. I nodded to her
because it would have been shitty not to, I had just been caught staring.
She waved back just as Jane started bitching at me. "Seriously, Edward, do you want some or
not, because if you let this bitch burn out..."
I turned to her and took the joint from her hand. I made a show of taking a deep inhale before
blowing the smoke into her face. I hoped the extra hit would mellow her out some more.
"So, what are Kate and Garrett up to today?"
"Fucking," she replied straight-faced. Jane liked to mess around with us; she could deliver any
line convincingly. She once had me believe that she was sleeping with our high school
principal. Mrs. Montgomery will never live down that rumor.
"I'm not sure if you are lying but I really don't want to know," I said honestly, causing her to
laugh.
"Lighten up, Edward; coitus is hardly a cringe-worthy topic." Jane was always blunt; you
could always count on her for the truth, the ugly, cold truth.
"If you are so comfortable talking about it, why don't you ever tell us about your exploits?"
"'Cause I don't fuck for fun," she replied.
"Well then, what do you fuck for?" I asked, taking a hit from the joint again.
"Whatever I can get," she stated plainly.
"That makes you sound like a hooker."
"All women have sex for something, Edward, whether it's love or security or a shiny diamond
ring, at least I'm honest." This is why she was my best friend. She was so damn interesting,
that and I'd never want her as an enemy.
"So if I gave you a car, you'd have sex with me?"
She regarded me a moment before she answered, "What kind of car?"
I shook my head and took the opportunity to take another quick peek at Bella. She was
standing next to a guy and they seemed to be very friendly. I wondered if he knew about the
other guy that had picked her up from work the other night. Of course a girl like that would
have multiple boyfriends, she was too special for just one guy to pin down. Did they know
how lucky they were?
"I said: what kind of car, Edward?"
I turned back to Jane. "It was a fucking joke!"
"Pity," she replied taking the final hit. I looked back over to see Bella walking away from the
guy. Maybe he was just a friend. Jane's voice broke through my inner musings. "Let's go,
Romeo."
Every Monday at work we had a mandatory meeting before the store opened. We sat around
the tables of the in-store café while they told us how to be better booksellers. It was a colossal
waste of my time right up until Bella dropped into the chair next to mine twenty minutes late.
"What did I miss?" she whispered before looking over at me. The surprise in her face told me
that she had not realized who she had addressed.
"Jessica and Lauren were caught in a bathroom orgy so now we are all getting sanctioned
bathroom breaks," I deadpanned.
"Damn it, I guess the orgy I planned for today in the break room is cancelled."
"Too bad, I was looking forward to that," I teased.
She turned beet red at my comment, I had obviously overstepped the line, but who knew were
the fucking line was when you were joking about orgies? Her uncomfortable shifting caused
me to feel uncomfortable and I stuck my hand in my hair, tugging at the strands. I turned back
to her to say something but she had turned her focus to the manager so I kept quiet.
For the final twenty minutes of the meeting, it felt like there was a tangible wall between me
and Bella. The tension was from my stupidly and not our sexual chemistry this time and I
didn't like it one bit. When the meeting adjourned, Bella grabbed her things and left quickly,
leaving me alone and sighing.
I wandered into the back room and grabbed my box cutter. The first box I opened was all
books for the sexuality section. I grabbed a copy of the Kama Sutra and flipped it open. I had
looked through the book before but this time I felt a little warm doing so, I didn't realize that it
was my body's warning system to tell me I wasn't alone.
"I didn't realize you were serious about the orgy," Bella's voice drifted over the book at me. I
dropped the fucker and my eyes shot up to see her ass perched on my receiving table.
"Shit, you scared me," I said thinly.
"Sorry," she said, looking down, her playful tone lost.
"It's okay, just warn a man before you come stalking in on him and his porn," I teased, trying
to get the smile back on her face.
She looked down at the book and back up to me. "Calling the Kama Sutra porn, why that's
gotta be the cutest thing I've ever heard," she played back. I shifted on my feet and she hopped
down off the table. "Well, I'll see you around..."
"Edward."
Her lips curled up ever so softly and I wanted to kiss them. Up close, she was even hotter than
I had imagined and her perfect, pouty lips weren't helping the already hot chemistry that we
had between us.
"Later, Edward."
"Wait, what did you come back here for?" I asked, suddenly confused by the impromptu
meeting.
She spun back around to face me. "Right, I almost forgot. The managers always take
Mondays off. After the meeting they go and have brunch or something so things are a bit
more lax around here. So take it easy on the receiving, ‘cause we don't stock Mondays."
"So what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I asked, thinking that doing nothing was a good way
of making the day drag.
She walked back over, bending down to pick up the book I'd dropped. She placed it in my
hands before stating, "I'm sure you can find something to do."
I didn't want to sit and look at sex books all day, I had a better plan.
"Why don't you stay back here then and keep me company?" She seemed like she was fun to
joke around with and it had already been established that she was hot as sin, so I figured there
was nothing to waste in asking her to stay. Just because I knew we weren't compatible didn't
mean I couldn't enjoy her company at work.
Her face ran through a bunch of unreadable emotions before a shy look came. She seemed so
uneasy that I almost told her not to worry about it, but before I could, she gave a small nod
and jumped back up on the table.
"So Bella, tell me something about yourself," I said, leaning against the scaffolding in the
stock room.
"Oh, okay...uhm...." She looked adorable as she fumbled for something to say. "I'm a
cheerleader." She flinched as the words came out of her mouth.
"I know," I said, smirking. I looked down as her gaze made me nervous; she had no idea of
how she affected me.
"Right," she muttered, "I don't know, nothing to tell really."
"I have a hard time believing that," I said, sounding like the world's biggest douche.
Her lips quirked up but she didn't answer my question. "So what are you studying?"
"Philosophy," I said quietly.
"Oh wow, you must be really smart."
I looked up at her incredulously and she shifted where she stood. Her cheeks were pink and
she looked like a fish out of water. How had we gone from easy banter over the sex book to
not being able to have a real conversation? I guess it just proved that we were incompatible. It
just sucked to have it confirmed.
I ran my hand through my hair again; it was a habit that annoyed me. Whenever I was
uncomfortable, my fingers would find their way straight to the top of my head.
"You have a tattoo?" she asked. I looked up at her and dropped my arm, pulling my sleeve
down to hide what she had already seen.
"Uh, yeah," I replied.
"Can I see it?" she asked.
I pulled up my sleeve again and she took a step closer. She smelled like innocence and sex, it
was near maddening. She reached out to touch my arm as she stared at the words written
across my wrist: Quelque chose à attendre.
Her fingertips dragged across the cursive lettering, the feel of them igniting a fire in my arm.
"What does it mean?" she asked.
"It's personal," I said, more clipped than I meant to. I hadn't explained my tattoo to anyone
and I wasn't sure I wanted to have that conversation with Bella at work.
She recoiled with my words and pulled away, taking a few steps back but not taking her
alluring scent with her.
"So you're a classics specialist?" I asked, motioning to her name tag. It was also a good
excuse to look at her boobs for a minute.
"Yeah, I had to pick something. I don't really read much though."
"Too busy with your boyfriend?" I asked, seeing the opportunity to find out the information I
wanted so badly.
"I don't...I don't have a boyfriend," she responded, confused.
"I just assumed...that guy you left with the other night."
She laughed. "No, he's not my boyfriend. He was just a date, and a bad one at that."
Inside, my heart was racing. I felt relived at her confession that she didn't have a boyfriend
but it also scared me. If she was single then part of me wondered...why couldn't we give it a
try? What would we lose by testing out more than our attraction?
Before I lost my nerve, I found myself asking her, "Some of my friends are heading out to
Summit for a drink after work tomorrow, do you want to come along?"
I would have had to be blind to miss the illumination behind her eyes.
"I'd love to."
Chapter 3
BPOV
No one ever writes stories about girls like me. I am the epitome of a two dimensional
character, and that's not a crack at the size of my boobs, even though they are on the smaller
side. Nothing interesting happens in my life, so when Edward asked me to go with his friends
for a drink, I didn't think it was a date. That's not to say I didn't hope it was, but I knew better.
"Seriously, this is your chance to jump him," Emmett said from the couch.
"I don't think he'd even want to do that anymore," I whined. "I made a jackass of myself. Gee,
Edward, you're really smart." I wanted to gag when I remembered the foolishness that was my
conversation with him. It was worse than having no filter when I was around him; it was more
like having no brain.
I had been so proud of myself, flirting with him over the Kama Sutra, but when he'd asked me
to stay and keep him company, I was out of wit. It was like I was performing and I had run
out of lines. My life needed a script.
"Bells, you're hot, what guy wouldn't want to do you?" Alice said, not looking as she put the
red polish on her toes.
"Speaking of guys that want to do you, what happened with that Jack guy?" Rosalie asked,
plunking herself down on Emmett's lap.
"It was Jake, and nothing. He was duller than me and that is saying something," I replied.
"So what are you wearing tonight?" Alice asked, rolling her eyes at me.
"I don't know, I mean it should be casual, right? But I want to look good. Everything I have
just seems too ‘preppy' for hanging out with Edward and his friends. They are going to think
I'm a total loser."
I left the gang while I puttered through my closet. Everything I pulled out made me look like I
was trying too hard or that I didn't fit in. Sighing, I grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and paired it
with a silky blue off the shoulder top. I knew that I would probably stand out, but I thought it
looked cute, and I hoped that would help me with my confidence.
Summit was a bar, but not a club. The atmosphere was smoky and dark and there was no
dance floor. There was a pool table and a dart board set up at the back but both looked as
though they had seen better days. I walked through the door and scanned the room for any
sign of Edward. I did not like being alone in a bar and I felt exposed standing by the door. It
was incredibly hard to look for someone without making eye contact with any of the other
guys in the place.
I didn't see him and I shifted on my feet before wondering what to do next. Taking my
chances, I walked towards the bar, hoping that I would see him on the way. The bartender
wasn't busy and he was watching me as I sauntered up to the bar. The man was big, like really
freaking huge. He had to have been at least two inches taller than Emmett and I was sure he
would have to turn sideways to make it through a door.
"Hey," he said as I arrived at the bar.
"Hey," I said back. "Can I get a coke?"
I didn't really want anything alcoholic. If Edward and his friends didn't show up, there was no
way I wanted to be alone and inebriated. Weighing as little as I did, I was a total lightweight
when it came to alcohol consumption. It was better to stick to sugar until I had some
company.
"Sure," he replied, smiling at me. He was pretty attractive but his size intimidated me.
He placed the drink in front of me, telling me that designated drivers drink for free. I didn't
correct him; there was nothing wrong with getting a free soda. I turned away from the bar and
scanned the room from my new location, hoping to see Edward.
"You looking for someone?" the bartender asked from behind me.
"Yeah, I'm supposed to meet some friends here," I said, not turning to face him. I knew that
the brush off would rile him up but I didn't care.
"Well you are welcome to wait up here for them. I could keep you safe from the vultures," he
breathed on the back of my neck. I turned quickly to realize that he was leaning over the bar,
his face just inches from mine. I immediately pulled back, my heart pounding from the
intrusion. I had no idea what to do; I could wander off and face others or stick with the one in
front of me.
"Thanks," I said awkwardly, taking a sip of my drink.
"Are you meeting a boyfriend?" he asked, and when I didn't answer, he continued with, "a
fuck buddy?" My cheeks singed scarlet and the bartender laughed at me. "Sorry, just kidding.
I'm Felix, by the way."
"Bella," I responded, gaining some composure back.
Felix took this as a sign that I was interested and he propped himself on his elbows on the bar.
His eyes darkened as he glanced over my shoulder and an arm slipped around my waist. I
jumped, not expecting any company, but when I turned, I saw that it was Edward.
"Hi," I said, unable to stop the smile from my face.
"Hey, you okay?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah," I said, confused until I realized he was trying to save me from the bartender.
"I'll get a beer, whatever you have on tap," Edward directed to Felix.
"Sure man," Felix scowled.
Edward led me to a table where two girls and a guy already sat. I recognized them as the ones
that usually sat with Edward under the tree on campus, but I had never really taken a close
look at any of them.
"This is Garrett, Kate, and Jane," Edward said, motioning to each of them. "Guys, this is
Bella." Kate had pale blonde hair that she had streaked with blue, her eye makeup was dark
but not over the top. She was what I would call ‘cute Goth'. Garret had light brown hair
shaved on the sides leaving him with a Mohawk; he was attractive but there was haughtiness
in his eyes that turned me off. Jane had blonde hair that she twisted and pinned up, if I had to
guess, I would say it was very long but it was hard to tell with the way it was worn.
The three of them looked at me like I was a gazelle that had wandered into the lion's den. I
pushed out my chest in defiance of their scowls but it only made me look trampy and I
realized it just as Jane rolled her eyes and laughed at me. Edward motioned for me to sit down
and I took the seat by Garrett as opposed to the one by Jane. I tried to ignore the short and
very quiet conversation Edward had with Jane as I sat down.
"Hey," I said to Kate and Garrett who had started talking to each other. They ignored me as
they continued to debate heavily with words I had no hope in ever understanding.
I sat back and watched the conversations unfold in front of me all night. I was used to being
the talker, around my friends, you couldn't get me to shut up, but with Edward and his friends,
I didn't even know where to begin. They were truly what I would call intellects and while I
wasn't dumb, I didn't hold the type of knowledge that they used every day. It was blindingly
clear I didn't belong.
Edward on the whole was pretty quiet around his friends, only interjecting his opinions here
and there. He kept glancing at me but I didn't really know what to say so I just tried to keep a
pleasant look on my face as I listened, he never made an effort to talk to me. It would have
been almost comfortable if it hadn't been for Jane scowling at me the entire night, well maybe
comfortable is the wrong word, but it would have been bearable. When I finished my fourth
coke, I excused myself to the bathroom. I don't think anyone noticed as I slipped off on my
own.
The bathroom was typical for a bar, dark and a bit scummy. I was happy for the moment to
myself. Between being ignored by Edward and glared down by Jane, I wasn't really sure what
I was doing there. Thinking no one would miss me if I just left, I decided to go. I didn't really
want to go back and try to get in the middle of their dialogue just to say goodbye so I took the
shortest way out of the bar, not bothering to pass by the table.
I headed out the front door and walked by the neighboring alley, I had taken a cab there but I
wanted to walk a few blocks before calling for one to pick me up. The evening was nice and it
wasn't too late. I saw the smoke billow out from the alley before I saw the person standing
there. I kept my eyes forward as I walked by.
"Date didn't work out?" the man asked. I couldn't help myself; I turned to look at him. Felix
looked even bigger without the bar dividing us.
"It wasn't a date," I said coldly. I had wanted it to be so badly but there was no way I wanted
to call what happened that evening a date.
"Not a date and not a fuck buddy," he laughed. "You'd be a lot more relaxed if it was that."
I should have walked away, chances were pretty good he wouldn't have harassed me; I did
know where he worked after all. But the pounding in my chest froze my body but
unfortunately not my mouth.
"I don't need a man to relax me," I spat, "I can do a fine job myself."
Felix took a step towards me but I held my ground. I didn't want him to see the fear that was
coursing through me. I could feel the blood rush through my body. He smiled when I made no
move to walk away from him. I knew he took it as an invitation but I could not find my voice
to rebuke him.
"I'm sure you can, sweetheart. But sometimes two heads are better than one." His voice was
dark with lust as he stalked towards me. I didn't feel myself moving backwards until I hit the
brick wall behind me. "What d'ya say?"
I closed my eyes as I smelled his breath rush over me. My breathing increased and my insides
were churning but nothing escaped my lips. What was wrong with me?
EPOV
Bella had been gone for close to ten minutes. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable by
checking on her in the washroom but I was really getting worried. Every minute my eyes
would search the bar, making sure that no one was detaining her.
I had been so nervous sitting by her all night. I wasn't even able to keep up conversation with
my friends. I had wanted her to see that I was smart but the few tidbits I threw in were hardly
enough to gain my Mensa membership. I wanted to talk to Bella, but I had no idea what to
say. She was so cute sitting beside me, biting her lip while she listened. I had really blown any
chance we had for social interaction again.
"I'm going outside for a smoke," I said, wanting to swing by the bathroom first.
"Want me to come?" Jane asked.
"Naw, I won't be long," I replied. She raised her bitchbrow at me. I had nicknamed it that in
seventh grade when she gave it to Matty Launders after he spread rumors about him. That
little patch of hair above her eyes caused him so much stress that he went and retracted said
rumor that very afternoon. It was a powerful weapon but it was nearly useless on me. I rolled
my eyes and took off before she could say anything else.
There was a redhead on her way into the washrooms and I asked her to check on Bella. She
came out and said there was no one in there. Now I was really worried. I walked briskly
through the bar, scanning everyone's faces, looking for the brown eyes I adored so much.
When I didn't see her, I headed out into the night, hoping that she had just stepped outside for
a smoke. That idea didn't float well, because I was pretty sure Bella didn't smoke, she smelled
too good for that. I didn't see anyone on the street so I took a few steps in one direction before
hearing a noise behind me. I spun around quickly, heading for the sound. I saw a large man
leaning up against a woman on the wall. I shook my head at the couple before I noticed the
blue heels on the girl.
When I had approached Bella in the bar earlier, it was the first thing I'd noticed. Okay that's a
lie, I had noticed her ass but then I noticed her heels. There was just something so sexy about
a woman in jeans and heels and Bella's blue ones stood out even more.
It was like a jolt of electricity was sent through me as I jumped toward her. The guy was big,
a lot bigger than me, and I wanted to get Bella out of there without any kind of confrontation.
Not that I wouldn't kick his ass if I had to.
"Are you ready to go, Bella?" I asked, stopping a couple feet away from them.
The dude looked back and I recognized him as the bartender from earlier. I stopped my fist
from clenching; I wanted to punch that douchebag. How many times do I have to mark my
territory to get the guy to fuck off? The smirk on his face didn't help matters.
"Uh, yeah," Bella called meekly from her spot on the wall.
The dude took a step back and Bella walked quickly away from him, to my side. I kept my
eyes on the guy as we walked by him.
"See you later, Bella." He chuckled and I squeezed my arm around her tighter.
We walked a block before turning; Bella was leading so I assumed that this was the way to
her car or her home. Once we were out of sight from the burly bartender, I dropped my arm. I
wanted to keep it around her, but there was no sense in torturing myself.
"Are you all right?" I asked shyly. Being alone with her at work made me nervous, here on
the street, I was nearly incapacitated with want.
"Yeah," Bella replied simply, "sorry about that."
"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault," I replied. "What were you doing out there anyway?"
When she didn't answer, I glanced over to her, her cheeks were tinged pink. I shoved my
hands in my pockets as I wondered if maybe she hadn't wanted to be with the bartender. He
was definitely built better than me, maybe he was her type.
"I was going home when he stopped me," she said so softly I almost didn't hear.
I felt relief that she didn't want that guy but then it was replaced by a new heaviness. "You
were leaving?" I hated the way my voice felt weak. I had been told many times that I come
across as indifferent when really it was just hard for me to voice my thoughts and feelings.
"Uh, well, I don't think your friends liked me much," she said honestly.
"They don't know you," I rebutted.
"Neither do you," she replied sadly.
"Fair enough, so why don't you tell me something?"
"I sing in the car." I laughed. "No seriously, I like belt at the top of my freaking lungs. Other
drivers stare at me but that just makes me groove louder."
"Did you just say groove?"
"Damn right I did," she stated. She looked over at me and our eyes locked. I wanted to kiss
her, she was just so desirable. I wondered if it was a case of wanting what I couldn't have. We
only broke eye contact because she stumbled, causing me to reach out for her. She righted
herself before I could touch her. My arms were jutted out in an awkward position and I
suddenly felt insecure again.
We walked in silence for a couple more blocks, the wind would caress us every few seconds
and I wondered if she was cold. I didn't get a chance to ask her before she spoke to me.
"So, do you guys really talk like that all the time?" she asked.
"Like what?" I replied, confused.
"Like all intellectual? Man that makes me sound stupid. I just mean, don't you guys ever talk
about anything frivolous like music or movies?"
I didn't really know how to answer her question. I couldn't remember the last time I watched a
movie and my music collection was not frivolous to me, I associated a lot of it with my past. I
didn't really talk to my friends about it.
"No, I guess not," she continued when I didn't reply. "Oh, this is me. I didn't realize we had
been walking for so long."
I looked at my watch and realized that we had left the bar over forty-five minutes ago. I took
out my phone, wondering why Jane hadn't called or texted, only to find out it was dead.
"Shit, my phone's dead."
"Oh, do you want to come up and use mine?"
I ran my hands through my hair, the idea of being in Bella Swan's house seemed like either a
really good or a really bad idea. I nodded, convincing myself that I should at least let my
friends know to not worry.
I followed behind Bella as her ass led me torturously up the stairs to the door. I wanted to bite
it, but I was pretty sure that she would revoke my phone privileges if I did. She slid her key
into the door and turned it before guiding me in.
"Wow, this is pretty sweet," I said. "Do you have roommates here?"
Her face was a delicious shade of red when she answered, "I, uh, live with my parents and my
brother. It saves money."
"That's a good idea," I said uncomfortably. I wondered where the parents were this late;
maybe it was better if we weren't alone.
"Yeah, I think Jasper is out with his girlfriend and my parents, well they tend to disappear
some nights. It's better not to think of it." She grimaced when she said this.
"So not only are your parents still together, they still like each other?"
"I know it's gross, right?"
"No, it's really nice. My parents couldn't stand each other, so they ended up giving me up."
"I'm sorry," she responded.
"I'm not. They didn't love each other. People like that shouldn't be together, I just wish they
would have figured that out before they had me."
She shifted and I rolled my eyes at myself for making her uncomfortable. I was used to the
feeling that went with being abandoned, I could tell she wasn't. I should have just kept my
mouth shut. My parents were part of the reason for what I had tattooed on my arm; it was a
reminder to me.
"So, the phone is over here." She picked up the phone and handed it to me. "I'll just be in the
kitchen."
I wanted to tell her she didn't have to leave but the words were caught in my throat. I had
never been good at thinking on my feet in social situations. In fact, I had been more sociable
with Bella tonight than I had been with anyone new in a long time. Maybe it was worth giving
a try.
I made a quick call to Jane who had noticed me missing but just chalked it up to me fucking
Bella in the bathroom. I was both upset and turned on by her suggestion. I'm pretty sure I'd
never defile Bella like that, unless she was okay with it...I think.
I found Bella in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. Her long neck had me hypnotized as the
water slid down her throat. I wanted to be bold, to go up to her, take the glass from her and
kiss her, but that wasn't me.
She was startled when she realized I was standing there. The blue of her shirt made her skin
glow and I wanted to lick it. I tried to focus on unsexy thoughts so that I wouldn't embarrass
myself further.
"Are your friends coming to get you?" she asked and I flinched. I hadn't really expected her to
want me to leave right away, I hadn't even asked. She saw my discomfort and responded to it.
"Cause if they aren't, we could like hang out upstairs for a bit."
"Okay," I said quickly.
Not long after, I found myself lying comfortably on Bella's bed. In no way had I expected to
be this comfortable in Bella Swan's room, but I was. She sat at the head of her bed while I lay
on my side at the bottom. Even our conversation should have been uncomfortable.
"Who was your first kiss?"
"Mike Newton," she replied. "You?"
"Bree Tanner, in the first grade."
"Sexually advanced, I see." She giggled and I couldn't help but join her.
"Naw, it was my last kiss until I was sixteen."
"Really?" she said, raising her eyebrows. Being in a foster home, I had more things to think
about than kissing girls, like not getting the crap beat out of me by the other boys.
"Yup. How about first time, age and name."
"Eighteen, Mike Newton."
"Damn, that was one lucky guy," I replied, causing her to blush again.
"What about you?"
"Sixteen, Carmen Dodds, shortly after the second kiss." I laughed, but when I looked back up
at her, she wore a pained look on her face. I didn't know what I had said wrong but I wanted
to make it right. "It wasn't very good. I failed miserably at sex my first go around. I'd like to
think I'm much better now."
"Do you get lots of practice?" Her voice was no longer jovial; she was upset by my answer.
"No," I told her honestly but I wasn't sure what her definition of ‘lots' was. I had a feeling it
varied from mine. Just one more way that I wasn't good enough for her.
Chapter 4
Edward lay comfortably on my bed, he looked so out of place in my girly room but at the
same time, he brought balance to it. We had hung out a few times in the last couple weeks,
alone. It was thrilling but I still held no illusions that it was going to turn into anything more
than a friendship, he was far too cool for me and I was far too brash for him.
Another obvious sign that Edward was definitely not into me was that he kept his hands to
himself. He was constantly running them through his hair or shoving them in his pockets. I
had never been around a guy who had touched me less. I was used to them flirting with me,
slinging their arms around me, nudging me with a shoulder. Edward did almost none of that.
He kept his distance and it made me feel awkward.
I had never felt like this in my life: not good enough. I'm not saying that I'm the most
desirable woman in the world or anything like that, I was just used to the attention. The truth
was that I was really incredibly shy and that contact validated me. I didn't come across as shy
but that was just a cover, I forced myself to be outgoing so that I wouldn't become a hermit. It
was all superficial though, no one really knew me. Even my best friends had no idea who I
was on the inside. They knew what color I liked and what my favorite band was but I never
let anyone see what made me tick.
Edward asked the hard questions and that made me nervous, because part of me wanted to tell
him.
"I used to think Jane was your girlfriend," I giggled.
"Really?" he asked incredulously.
"Well yeah, I mean it was obvious that Garrett and Kate were together and you two always
rounded out the foursome."
"Don't get me wrong, Jane is a beautiful girl." I tried not to flinch. "But we're just friends, we
don't like each other like that, at all," he punctuated.
"How do you know she doesn't like you? Have you ever asked her?"
"No, I don't need to," he stated firmly and I let it drop.
"You've been spending a lot of time here."
"Oh," he said, startled. "Did you not want me here?"
"No! That's not what I meant, I was just wondering if your other friends are okay with it. I
mean, with working at the bookstore and hanging out with me, you hardly see them."
He shifted, his eyes lowered to the bed. "They're cool." I could tell that he was lying but I
wasn't about to rock the boat. If Edward wanted to choose to spend time with me over his
other friends, who was I to argue? Selfishness was something I was used to, not something I
was proud of.
"Bella, can I ask you something?" His tone scared me but I nodded my head anyway. "What's
it like to have a family?"
"What do you mean? I thought you said you had a mother and a sister, you have a family,
Edward." Edward had told me very little of his family, but just a few days ago he had
mentioned that his mother and sister lived in Florida.
"Esme is not my real mom," he replied.
I waited for him to finish but when he didn't offer anymore, I prodded, "Is she your
stepmom?"
Edward shook his head in small movements. He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through
his hair a couple of times before pinching the bridge of his nose. If I was going to put together
a list of the most stereotypical things he did, it would be those three things-and maybe the
smirk, but I digress.
"Esme was my foster mom from when I was fourteen until I turned sixteen. It's really rare for
kids in that age to ever get into foster homes, much less adopted; I spent most of my youth in
a group home. Esme and her husband Carlisle took me in and it was unlike anything I had
ever had. They treated me like family, even trusting me around their eight year-old daughter,
which, I gotta tell you, no one trusts foster kids around their own family.
"Anyway, when I was sixteen, they adopted me. I'd never been happier, but apparently I was
the only one. Carlisle was a doctor and his hours kept getting longer and longer. Esme would
complain about him being out and he would snap at her. The yelling would sometimes go on
for hours. I used to go crawl into Irina's bed and cuddle her, covering her ears so she couldn't
hear. I had already seen much worse.
"One day I came home from school and found my ‘father', ass to the air, giving it to who I
thought was Esme. Just as I was about to say something, he grunted a name that was
definitely not my mother's. I was pissed, I screamed at him for betraying Esme, who had
always treated me with kindness and he apologized. He begged for me to keep it a secret.
"I waited a week, telling him that if he didn't stop seeing her, I'd tell Esme. He swore up and
down he would break it off. On that seventh day I overheard him on the phone, making a date
with her. I went and told my mom and she left him, taking me and my sister.
"She started drinking and things changed. She blamed me for destroying her marriage. I think
she knew about his cheating but once I confirmed it, it forced her to act. She was a
homemaker, so she wasn't able to get much of a job. Like I said, things changed."
I wanted to cry for Edward, it was by far the worst story I had ever heard first-hand but the
tears wouldn't come. I couldn't empathize because I truly had no idea what he went through. I
had father-daughter days and mommy and me baking days. I couldn't even imagine what
foster care was like. Everything Edward went through rounded him into the interesting
individual he was today. I just knew he had had a hard past, and I felt myself wanting to know
everything about it. Like his story could make me interesting by association.
"I'm so sorry," I said because I had no idea what else to say.
"It's not your fault," he replied with a lackluster tone.
I watched him as he retreated into himself, he was sitting in my room but he was no longer
with me.
"It's nice," I mumbled, trying to get him out of his shell again. He looked up at me quizzically.
"Having a family, it's nice. My dad is a pretty typical dad; he's overprotective but a softie at
heart. My mom is a little hare-brained but they love each other. Jasper is a pain in the ass but
he's also my best friend. I don't know what to say, Edward. It's nice, it's boring but nice." I felt
panicked by listing those things off to him. They sounded even duller as they left my lips than
they did in my head.
Edward looked equally uncomfortable as he shifted on my bed. My body rocked with his
motion and suddenly the whole situation felt intimate.
"Well," he started, clearing his throat, "I should go. I have to work in the morning."
"Yeah, me too," I told him even though we already knew this information. He was looking for
an out and I was most inclined to give it to him.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"Wow, this is way smaller than I expected," I said as I gazed at it.
"Okay, Swan, tell me what you really think," Edward laughed nervously.
"Shit, I didn't mean...I just....you could like fling an arm out of your bed and hit your
roommate in the junk the beds are so close."
Edward had taken me to see his dorm, and I couldn't believe they expected two people to
cram into this tiny room. I wasn't used to living at the Ritz or anything but even I could see
that this was ridiculous. Unfortunately, my outrage for Edward came across as hurtful to him.
I could see he took offense to my comment, even though I didn't think his place reflected who
he was at all. I didn't care if he had money or not, I just didn't like the University taking
advantage of students like him.
"Uhm, so this is my desk," he exhaled as he pointed to the devastatingly clean desk. Even
without him telling me, it would have been easy to tell. His may have been clean but his
roommate's was empty. Edward had told me that his roommate was never there so I wondered
why he didn't use his desk as well.
"How come you don't use his desk?" I asked.
Edward smirked before motioning with his head for me to look. He pulled open the top
drawer to show me a large bag of weed. I looked at him with my brows furrowed but he just
shrugged.
"You keep your weed in your roommate's desk?" But then I got it. "In case your room is
searched." I laughed, asking how much he must hate the guy.
"I don't hate him, I've only met him once," he chuckled.
"How is that possible?"
"He lives here officially. Unofficially, he is living with his girlfriend. They both showed up on
the first day of classes, asked me to cover for him if his parents ever came unannounced,
christened the bed, and then left."
Only one thing jumped out to me about that.
"Wait, while you were here?" I asked doubtfully.
"Yup, I was on my laptop at my desk. I put in the ear buds when they got too loud."
"You didn't sneak a peek?" I inquired, feeling a rush of naughty thinking about being in the
same room as people having sex.
His cheeks tinged pink before answering, "Maybe a little."
EPOV
Bella was a conundrum, it seemed as if she had the perfect life and yet she sat on the edge of
her seat whenever I said anything about my fucked up one. I had never had anyone pay such
close attention to me, ever. It was a little unnerving.
If I thought she was beautiful before we met, know that I knew her a bit better, she was utterly
captivating. There was a kindness in her eyes that I had never seen from sitting under the tree.
She looked at me like I had always wanted Esme to look at me. The way she almost did
before I wrecked everything by telling her about Carlisle. It was pretty clear after that whole
situation that they had never really seen me as their son.
I brought Bella to my dorm, thinking it would only be fair. We hung out at her place all the
time but I could tell that her parents and brother were starting to get on her case about us
being in her room all the time. They thought we were doing lewd things, how I wished they
were right.
The problem with Bella in my room was seeing her near my bed, she hadn't wanted to sit on
the spare bed but when I told her that they had washed the sheets, she acquiesced and sat. I
wanted us both to be on my bed but the only way two people could fit on these tiny beds was
stacked, and that was not happening.
The more I talked to Bella, the more I wondered why I wasn't going for it. She was my
complete opposite, and weren't opposites supposed to attract? I fought hard keeping my hands
to myself. Every time she smiled, I wanted to take her hand, and every time she told a dirty
joke, I wanted to fuck her silly. I had my hands in my pockets more often than not lately
trying to keep them in line.
I couldn't get a read on her. I couldn't tell if her interest in me was beyond physical, that part
was obvious. Even though most of our conversations were on the light side, our eyes were
doing the fucking for us. I noticed when she stared into my eyes for too long and she noticed
when I adjusted myself when she showed a little extra skin. The problem was she didn't do
anything the girls that usually were interested in me did, like actually ask me out. I hadn't
accepted an invitation in a long while and I hadn't made one in even longer.
We had been hanging out, so did I just make a move, or did I have to ask her? I decided to ask
Jane. Mistake...big mistake.
"You want to date cheerleader?" Jane asked with a disgusted look on her face.
"Ahhh," I answer like I've been lobotomized.
"Seriously? I get it, she's kind of cute. But Edward, the only reason you are entertaining this
idea is because you haven't done her yet. The sexual tension is still there. Believe me...she
won't be nearly as interesting once the cork is popped, so to speak."
"That's not true," I protested weakly. Jane had a way of saying things so they made perfect
sense even if you knew they were wrong.
"It is, Edward. She's a cheerleader; she is not your intellectual equal. Do you even know what
she is taking in school?" I looked at her dumbly as I racked my brain for a conversation I
knew I had.
Shit. I'd never asked.
"It's probably the same for her. She wouldn't know what to do with a man like you long term.
Edward, just fuck her out of your system."
I mumbled something before I left Jane's that day but I couldn't tell you what it was. I
retreated from her lair more confused than when I got there. I smoked up when I got home
just to calm my nerves from our talk.
I dialed her number as soon as my head felt less chaotic. I needed to hear her voice. What if
Jane was right? What if I slept with Bella and she lost her allure? It was almost enough to
never act on my feelings but even though Jane was as smart as they came, I wasn't sure she
knew much about love.
Her one and only boyfriend, Aro, became a catholic priest shortly after she left him. We had
no idea what she did to the poor guy but we were sure he was trying to exorcize whatever the
hell voodoo she had put on him in the first place. We had seen him out and about a few times
after they broke up and he would always cross himself them moment he saw her. I thought it
was creepy, she thought it was hilarious.
"Hello," her sweet voice came through. I sighed like a girl, thinking that Jane was so wrong.
"Edward?"
"Bella, hi," I said stupidly, forgetting that I hadn't answered her.
"Hi," she repeated softly.
"Listen, I know it's late, but can I come over?"
"Is everything all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, I just...wanted to hang out," I finished lamely.
"Okay."
Twenty minutes later, I found myself parked outside of Bella's house. She was sitting on the
porch when I pulled up and she looked heavenly in the moonlight. I had a hard time looking
away from her as I walked up the steps. She had a slight smile on her face as I approached and
I mirrored it on mine.
"Hi," I said sitting down. "What are you doing out here?"
"Everyone is sleeping. I didn't want to wake them with you knocking."
I looked down at her and realized she was in her pajamas. Worn pink bunny slippers crept out
of the bottom of a pair of white flannel pants with pink bows on them. Her pink tank top just
showed a sliver out the top of her white hoodie. She looked fucking adorable.
"Did I wake you when I called?" I asked, waving my hand at her state of dress.
"No, I just felt like being comfortable," she giggled. I watched her mouth as it curved up on
the edges; it created little lines around her mouth that only increased her beauty. Every time I
saw Bella, I would find myself more and more attracted to her. I couldn't believe what Jane
said, how could I ever get tired of this?
I didn't realize that I was staring until Bella cleared her throat. "Are we ever going to talk
about the elephant in the room?"
I wanted to play dumb but I knew that wouldn't fly. "I guess it's hard to ignore two years
of...whatever it is we did."
"There is an attraction here...that's impossible to deny." Her words came out almost like a
question, so I nodded in agreement. "I just sometimes feel like it might wreck what we have."
I noticed her shiver so I stood up and took her hand.
"Let's go inside, okay?"
She followed me as I led her quietly through the house and up the stairs. We both stood
awkwardly in her room, unsure if the bed was the right venue for this conversation. Finally,
with a large sigh, she tugged me and we lay down side-by-side across the width of the bed.
"Jane thinks we'd bore of each other if we acted on our attraction," I said, opening the
conversation back up.
"Is that what you think?" she asked back.
I turned my head towards her to find that she was already looking at me. While her voice was
steady, her face betrayed her emotions. She was worried.
"No," I said mustering up the most sincere tone I could find.
"So now what?" Her eyes pierced into me while awaiting her answer.
I wanted to ask her to let me kiss her, but the words caught in my throat. Instead, I just leaned
in and she tilted her head up in acceptance of my act. Two years I had wanted to kiss this girl.
Two years I had spent wondering if her lips were as soft as they looked. Two years I had
fantasized about what this moment would be like. The pressure of the situation was killing
me.
My lips touched hers softly at first. I held them there, to see if she was going to change her
mind, but when an unsteady hand braced itself on my chest, I went for it.
Two fucking years and I'd never come up with anything nearly as good as this.
Bella's kissing skills were unbelievable. Her lips were both firm and soft, and when our
tongues darted out at the same time and tasted each other, she moaned, she fucking moaned
into my mouth.
I scooted closer to her, pushing her gently onto her back. I could feel her heartbeat as I settled
half on top of her. Her body felt so good pressed against mine that all I could think of was
more.
I pressed my chest into hers.
More.
I slipped my tongue into her mouth.
More.
I slid a hand up to her breast.
More.
I grinded my hips into hers.
Stop.
Wait, what?
"Edward, stop," she said, pulling back.
"Why?" I asked, completely clueless to why after two and a half years she was cockblocking
us.
"Because I'm not going to have sex with you, so we need to stop," she stated.
"Why? I can feel that you want me," I may have whined a little, but pressed myself into her
body. A deep intake of breath from her proved my point.
"Yes, but that's not enough. I don't have sex when I'm not in love," she said forcefully but her
eyes darted away like she was ashamed.
"What's the matter? You already told me you're not a virgin," I said, because all the blood was
still in my dick.
"Just because my hymen is broken doesn't mean I'll do anything with a penis," she snapped.
"Ouch," I replied feeling thoroughly chastised.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. You're not just anyone."
"No, I'm sorry, that was a dick thing to say." I rolled off her and ran my hands through my
hair.
"It's okay. Better to find out now that we are incompatible..." she trailed off.
"What do you mean?"
"Well I'm not willing to, you know...and, you obviously want..."
"That doesn't make us incompatible, especially when you are worth waiting for." I ran my
fingers over my tattoo as I said these words.
"Will you tell me what it means?" she asked quietly, probably scared because I bit her head
off last time she asked.
"I've never been in a relationship before," I told her honestly. "I've never found anyone that I
thought was right. I never wanted to settle because I always thought that is what my adoptive
parents did. So I wanted to wait, to find someone worthy before I even tried.
"Quelque chose à attendre," I quoted. "Something worth waiting for...you've kept me waiting
a long time, Bella."
Bella's lips were attacking me and I fell back onto the bed as she smothered my face in kisses.
After enjoying the attention for a minute, I pulled back from her.
"Bella, wait."
"What is it?" she huffed.
"What the hell is your major?" I asked seriously.
She barked out a laugh before realizing I truly wanted an answer. So my very first girlfriend
straddled my lap, looked deep into my eyes, and answered.
"Accounting."
Chapter 5
BPOV
I was very used to being bitched at, girls are catty. What I wasn't used to was being ignored.
Edward's friends all but pretended I wasn't there. I would take getting bitched at any day of
the week.
I was stuffing handfuls of Jane Austen books onto the shelf when a throat cleared behind me.
I turned to greet the customer, shocked when I saw Jane standing there. Her blonde hair was
pulled back into a severe bun, making her look older than she was. But I'm sure that was the
effect she was going for.
"Hey cheerleader, is Edward around here somewhere?" I couldn't tell if her nickname was an
endearment or an insult. I suspected she wanted it that way; intimidation seemed to be her
favorite game.
"Yeah, he's in the back. Do you want me to go get him?" I asked politely. No matter how
much I thought Jane disliked me, I knew she was Edward's best friend and I really wanted her
to like me.
"That's okay, I'll just head back," she said turning away.
"You aren't allowed in the back," I called out after her. She laughed as I watched the back of
her head shake. Jane had a way of making me feel naïve and immature, I hated it.
I wish I could say that I was secure enough to not follow her back and eavesdrop, but that
would be a lie. Anytime I saw Edward and Jane alone together, it made my skin crawl. I
believed him when he said there was no attraction on his side. I almost believed that she
wasn't attracted to him either, but what I did believe was that she didn't like me at all. I was
constantly worried that she would sabotage our friendship, and after having a little taste of
Edward in my life, I didn't want it to change. I was deathly afraid of her reaction when she
found out that we were now dating.
Abandoning all sense of pride and dignity, I pushed my ear up against the door, straining to
listen. After spending three minutes and not hearing a thing, I huffed and walked back to my
section. I tried to concentrate on the customers but there was a nagging part of me that
wondered if Edward would change his mind after talking to his friend, especially when that
friend was Jane.
I avoided Edward, because I was a coward. There was really no other good reason. I hated
confrontation and if he was going to decide to dump me, I damn well didn't want it to be at
work. I tried to tell myself to grow the fuck up, but it didn't work. By the end of the day, my
nerves were frazzled, so when I saw him come out of the back and give me a smile that could
have been the cause of global warming, I felt instantly better.
Edward had asked me to meet him later that night at a lounge near campus. Well, he wanted
to pick me up but I told him I had things to do and would catch him there. I didn't want to be
left scrambling if his friends reacted badly to the news. I'm sure Jane had already passed on
the information that we were dating.
I parked a few blocks away in the residential area, it was a bit of a walk but the parking was
free. I hit the lock button on my car, slipping a key through the pointer and middle finger,
effectively giving me a weapon if someone jumped out and attacked me.
It was already quite dark out and I felt my heart start pounding as I listened to my footsteps on
the pavement. I began to think that if someone walked in perfect pace with me, I'd never hear
them. The wind flickered through my hair, tickling my neck. The sensation caused me to turn
and look behind me, just to make sure I was alone. I sped up. Maybe I had watched too many
horror movies in my youth or maybe I just had an overactive imagination, but by the time I
reached the lounge, I was nearly out of breath from my mini panic attack.
My eyes found Edward as soon as I entered the lounge; he tossed his hand up in a quick wave
when he spotted me. Kate and Garrett were sitting with their backs to me and Jane was beside
Edward, leaving me the spot on the end of the table where the waitress would surely trip over
my chair all night. Edward stood as I arrived at the table and slipped his drink and coaster
over to the other chair. He touched my lower back, guiding me to the chair he had just
vacated. I looked at him and smiled, he returned it with almost an embarrassed look on his
face.
"Hey everyone," I said once I was seated.
I got the general mumbles back that I usually did. I found it strange that none of them would
say anything more or treat me any differently now that I was Edward's girlfriend. I looked
around at the faces expectantly, only not entirely sure what I was searching for. Kate and
Garrett were as close to canoodling I had seen them and Jane looked as bored as ever.
I furrowed my brows and looked at Edward. "Did you tell them?" I asked quietly.
"Tell us what?" Jane piped up. She may have looked like she wasn't paying attention but
nothing got past her, she was like a black widow and her web caught everything.
Edward shot Jane a look that clearly said mind your own business. "Uhm, tell them what?" he
replied, matching my earlier tone.
"That we're dating," I said unsurely.
"They know I spend almost all my time with you, I think they know."
"But do they know I'm your girlfriend now?" I asked, whispering the word girlfriend.
Edward looked at me like I had two heads. "Why would I tell them that? It's our business."
"Oh for fuck's sake, Edward, are you that stupid?" Jane said, leaning over me and smacking
Edward in the forehead. Normally I would have been upset by such a move but I wasn't so
sure he didn't deserve it. "The girl is feeling insecure. She wants to piss on your leg, or have
you tell us that she did, metaphorically speaking."
"What are you talking about?" Edward asked her, annoyed.
"She wants your friends, and likely the rest of the female population, to know that you are off
limits, isn't that right, cheerleader?"
She was right, but her delivery left me blushing and uncomfortable. If my life were the lame
romantic comedy it usually was, Edward would have swept me up and planted a kiss on my
lips to claim me in front of everyone. But Edward was not the usual leading man; he was so
much more than that to me. So when he shrugged at me and apologized with his eyes for not
knowing what to do, I swooned harder than Julia Roberts.
"You know the chances of having a successful relationship at our age, mixed in with the
stresses of school, are like twelve percent," Garrett said, looking up at me. It may have been
the first full sentence that he directed at me, I wished he kept his mouth shut.
A moment later, he did too as Kate gave him a look that could make a grown man's balls
shrivel back into his body. "We're different, cupcake," he said and Jane and Edward both
snorted at the term of endearment.
Kate answered with her palm biffing his temple. "They could be too, dipshit."
It was the nicest thing any of them had ever said to me. Couple that with the fact that Edward
held my hand for the rest of the night, I couldn't stop smiling.
xooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo
"Why can't we stay here?" Edward whined just before his lips started sucking on the tender
spot of my neck.
"Because my friends want to meet you. I want them to meet you." I was surprised that the
words came out coherent. Edward had a way of making me forget the English language.
Now that Edward and I were a couple, my friends had been itching to meet him. Sure, it had
only been three days, but they weren't a patient people. To be honest, I was scared shitless.
The amount of ribbing Emmett had given to me and he hadn't even been around for the whole
two years of staring.
"Maybe we can call in sick," Edward joked, his hand moving down my torso, over my hip and
latching onto my backside.
"We're not going to have sex," I said, hoping to get him to stop cause my words were my only
weapon left, my body had betrayed me sometime between the neck-suck and the ass-grab.
"I know." He smiled against my neck but never stopped his attentions.
"Then why are you torturing us?" I whined.
"Because I don't need all of you, I can enjoy some of you. Lying in bed with you all night -
kissing - sounds way better than making small talk with your friends." I'm sure he didn't mean
to offend me, but he did.
"Hey, my friends are cool," I defended, sitting up. Edward looked away, running his hands
through his hair again.
"I didn't mean..." he spoke, "I'm just not very good with new people."
"You'll be fine," I whispered, leaning in and kissing him again. "I just want to throw on a new
shirt, give me a sec."
I went to my closet and grabbed a couple of options; Edward always told me I looked nice, so
I wasn't sure his preferences. Pulling the two choices out, I turned and faced him. "What do
you think, this one or this one?" I held each of them in front of me for a few seconds before
returning my focus to Edward.
"Uh, they both look nice," he said in a non-committal tone.
"Yeah, but what color do you like better?" I held the green one up again, and then the blue.
"They look the same to me," Edward said.
"What do you mean, they look the same? One is green, one is blue," I said sarcastically.
"I'm colorblind," Edward said quietly.
I stood there, shocked. A million questions ran through my mind but all of them felt too
stupid to ask. I felt even more uninteresting; it was just one more thing that made him unique.
I was as common as a nickel and he was a million dollar bill. I stared at the look on his face;
he was focused on me intently.
Then I realized he was waiting for me to say something.
"Shit, I'm sorry."
"It's not a big deal," he explained. "It's why I wear black all the time. Just makes it easier."
"I thought you wore black because you were all tortured or something. I used to call you emo
boy," I said incredulously.
"You called me what?" he laughed.
"Emo boy, I thought it was some sort of stance."
Edward laughed some more and that made me burst. Part of me roared because I was making
emo boy crack up, the tortured soul who I watched for two years and had barely managed a
smile was now in hysterics on my bed. It was beautiful and real and I couldn't believe it was
mine. We laughed together and soon we were both in stitches, lying side by side on the bed.
As the laughter drowned down he grabbed me in his arms and snuggled me in.
"What did you think the first time you saw me?" he asked.
~F~L~A~S~H~B~A~C~K~
"Hey Alice, where do you want to sit?" I said excitedly. It was our first full day on campus
and we were both so stoked. Alice looked around, humming as she took in the area. I told her
to hurry up, not wanting to stand around looking like the freshman we were.
"This is important, Bella," she chastised. "Where we sit could affect our entire lives."
I laughed. "Really, how is that?"
"Look around. If we sit over there," she pointed to the West side of the grassy area, "then we
will be near the smokers. You can see the ashtrays there. We will smell like smoke after lunch
every day. That could be a killer on your love life. If we sit there," she pointed to the tall tree
near the middle, "we might as well..."
Alice kept speaking but she had lost me to the most intense pair of eyes I had ever seen. We
were too far away from him to see the small details but I could tell that he was easily the most
attractive boy I had ever seen. His eyes connected with mine with such a ferocity that it
caused my whole body to heat up.
"We're sitting here," I said, plopping down on the picnic table behind us.
"Wait," Alice said. "Why here?"
"Because it has the best view," I replied.
"Bella, this table has like the worst view, it faces the wall or that tree where all those....wait!
What are you looking at?" Alice looked at me and then followed my gaze to the beautiful boy
in black and then back to me. "Oh, yeah, I see it. He's kind of cute. But that boy, Bella, is a
look-don't-touch. You have no idea where a boy like that has been."
And that was my plan, to look like crazy at the Adonis but not touch, except in my daydreams
where I'd do things to him that would curl my toes.
"Uhm, I thought you were kind of cute."
"Liar," he teased, "you couldn't keep your eyes off me. You practically had me screwing you
against the tree in the quad with your eyes."
I laughed and swatted him playfully. "Actually, I was screwing you against the tree, but close
enough."
Edward shook his head and groaned. "Dirty pool, Swan, dirty pool."
"What? Are you trying to say that you had chaste thoughts of me that day?" I hedged.
"Let's just say, between the two of us, that tree was getting a good workout."
EPOV
We were late, but we made it. Bella's friends were sitting around a coffee table in the living
room. Bella told me on the way whose place it was but I had already forgotten. The first thing
that hit me was how loud they were. The big guy was laughing boisterously while the others
made over the top shocked noises. Even in the most heated debates, my friends had never
come close to this decibel. I felt like a fish out of water.
"Hey guys," Bella sang out as we entered the room.
"Hey bitch," a blonde girl called back. I glanced down at Bella but she didn't seem to mind
being called a bitch. I knew Jane loved it but I hadn't thought the average girl wanted to be
addressed as such.
"Guys, this is Edward. Edward, this is Emmett, his better half, Rosalie, Alice, and you've met
my brother, Jasper."
I nodded to everyone and let out a simple, "Hey."
"So, Edward, Jasper's been telling me you and Bella have been spending a lot of time behind
closed doors in her room," the tiny girl named Alice chirped.
Bella turned red as I stammered. Alice and the other couple looked highly amused as Jasper
kept a keen eye on our reaction.
"Don't worry, Edward. Everyone here knows that Bella is locked up tighter than Fort Knox,"
Emmett bellowed.
"Shut up, Emmett," Bella growled, picking up an empty soda can from the table and flinging
it at him. He batted it away easily.
"Don't pay them any attention. They are all a bunch of douchebags," Bella said in a stage
whisper.
"Sorry it's taken so long, Edward. I told Bella to let you tap that a long time ago."
Emmett's teasing was making me very uncomfortable. I wasn't used to being the center of
attention and having my sex life on display as such was unnerving. I shifted on my feet and
kept my head down, staring at the ground and wishing it would swallow me. This was why I
was never popular; it was fucking stressful to be on display like that. On the other hand, Bella
seemed to thrive off it. Sure, she blushed and I could tell that she was embarrassed but she
took it all with a grain of salt. She never let anything affect her, no matter how bad the ribbing
got. And trust me, it got worse. But through it all, Bella gave as good as she got and by the
end of the evening, I knew way too much personal shit about her friends and their sex lives.
These people literally told each other everything. That shit was going to give me performance
anxiety; it was a damn good thing we weren't sleeping together yet.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" I asked Bella once we were back in the car. "Just stay over,
no pressure." There was no way I was trying anything after that evening.
"Uhm, sure. Just let me call my parents."
Bella made a quick call and let them know that she wasn't coming home that night. She
explained to me that they didn't care, but as long as she was living at home they wanted to
know where she was. Rolling her eyes at them, she told me how lame it was, but I couldn't
help but think how lucky she was to have two parents that cared so much about her.
I watched her out of the corner of my eye as we drove back to campus. I couldn't help but
think about the night and how much I hated it. Her friends weren't bad people, they just
weren't the kind of people that I was comfortable around. And yet, I found myself completely
happy at the end of the evening because I was going to get her all to myself. If I had to put my
time in with her friends so that I got to have my piece of this wonderful girl, then I'd gladly do
it.
The world does not get any fucking better than Bella Swan draped in my t-shirt and boxers in
my tiny single bed. She sat cross-legged, watching me as I pulled off my shirt. I had gone to
the washrooms to give her some privacy to change and I had returned in my pajama pants as
well.
"I hope you don't mind, I don't usually sleep with a shirt on," I said, feeling shy. I looked up to
see Bella staring dazedly at my chest. I cleared my throat with a little chuckle.
"Huh, what?" she said snapping her eyes up to mine.
"Don't objectify me, Bella. I'm more than just my body," I replied in mock outrage.
"Yes, you are witty and clever and full of intellect and stuff...now come here," she teased.
The air was lighthearted until I actually sat down on the bed, and then it changed. I wondered
maybe if this idea wasn't a mistake because although Bella and I connected on every level,
our physical attraction had been brewing the longest.
She rose to her knees before leaning forward onto her hands and kissing me. Correction, Bella
Swan in my clothes on her hands and knees on my bed was the best fucking thing in the
world. I wrapped my hand around her neck, bracing her head as I kissed her back, hard.
I had no restraint when it came to this girl but I tried...a little. Her tiny hands snaked around
my waist and I moved one of my hands down to her ass, enjoying the curve of her back on the
way. She whimpered a little as I squeezed and that was the end of my restraint.
I turned my body, taking hers with me as I lowered us down. I placed my body on top of hers,
the only place it had to go on the tiny bed. I touched her hips, her breasts, her body, while she
writhed under me. My hand slipped easily into the boxers she was wearing as they were too
big for her small frame. My hand was almost to the promised land when I heard her tiny
voice.
"Stop."
It was hard as hell but I was a gentleman, so I pulled my hand out and rolled off her. I stayed
lying on the bed beside her, holding her close so she wouldn't fall off.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Don't be. I want you, Bella, but I told you I'd wait."
"Yeah but for how long?" she said under her breath, but I heard it.
"Why are you always trying to sabotage us?" I asked, tipping her chin up so that she would
look at me.
"Because I don't understand why you want me. I keep waiting for you to leave."
"You don't see yourself clearly. Or maybe it's me that you don't see clearly. Do you trust me?"
"Yes," she answered instantly.
"Then why don't you believe me when I say I'm not leaving. I like you Bella. A lot."
"I just don't understand why you'd want to be with me. I'm so boring, I have no life
experience, I'm shallow. I'm just waiting for you to figure that out."
"Tragedies aren't the only things that make people deep. There is more to you than you think,
Bella. You are kind and sweet and not to mention, you kiss like a hell cat," I laughed, trying
to break the tension.
"Can I tell you something?" she asked, her doe eyes looking up at me.
"Of course," I replied.
"Promise you won't get scared off."
"Well that's ominous," I joked, but when I saw how serious she was looking at me, I
promised.
"The way I feel when I'm with you is different than I've ever felt before. I know we've only
been dating like a week but I really care about you, Edward. The thing is...I also feel totally
out of control. The guys I've dated before, they were safe and predictable but boring. So what
I really want to ask you is, just please be careful with me. I don't have any experience with
tragedies and I think that if you were to leave, that's what it'd be."
I wasn't good with words but I was good with actions, so I tightened my arms around her and
held her. I placed a kiss on her forehead and rubbed her back until she fell asleep. When her
breathing evened out, I relaxed my grip on her a little.
What she had said to me had scared me, not because it was too fast, but because I felt it too.
There was still something holding us both back, and perhaps that would come with time, but I
felt like Bella had yet to really open up to me. I knew there was more to her than what she put
forward, but I had a feeling she didn't even know what it was.
There were three things I knew for sure, I was crazy about Bella Swan, I didn't know how we
fit together yet, and she was moaning my name in her sleep.
Chapter 6
"Hi," I said shyly. Edward was giving me that look again. The one that made my ovaries
quake and caused my morals to disappear.
"Hi," he replied, coming toward me. I took small steps away until I felt my back hit the wall.
"You look good."
"Thanks?" I replied, unsure. Edward seemed more assertive than normal and I was having
difficulties adjusting.
His kiss came fast and it was hot. Our lips ground against each others as his hands slid up my
sides. I kissed him back hesitantly, I wasn't sure at this rate how far I could go and still apply
the brakes. He tugged at my top, pulling it up. I grabbed his hands to stop him but he kept
trying.
"Please, baby, I just want to see you. You're so beautiful," he cooed.
What harm could come in showing Edward a little skin? I knew the answer to that question
but I lifted my arms anyway, allowing him to pull my shirt off. His lips quickly traveled down
my neck to my chest. He was moving too fast but I couldn't deny it felt good. I mumbled his
name, my voice filled with arousal.
He slid my bra cup out of the way, attacking my breast with his mouth. I pushed lightly on
him, hoping to get him to back up. Usually when I did this, Edward would move back
quickly, but this time he growled at me and braced me harder against the wall. It felt so good,
why did I want him to stop?
But I did, I wanted him to stop.
"Stop," I said as he ground his erection into me again.
"No," he grumbled, grabbing me roughly. When I turned my head from him, he kissed my
neck instead, leaving wet marks on my skin.
"What?" I said my voice barely a whisper.
"I said no." He looked up at me. "You've been nothing but a fucking tease and that ends now.
I've been patient, but enough is enough. You want this, you know you do." He grabbed my
hand and placed it on his erection. I tried to pull it back but he held it steady.
His eyes were cruel and dark as he took one step back. I thought for a moment he was going
to say ‘gotcha' but then he started working at the buttons on his pants.
"Edward, no," I begged, suddenly scared of this boy in front of me.
"Bella, what good are you to me if you won't even put out?" he hissed.
"But I thought you said..."
"Baby, I say that to all the girls. It usually gets them in my bed a lot faster though," he
chuckled.
I felt sick to my stomach. Holding the bile down, I made a snap decision; I raised my knee
hard, I pushed, and I ran. I bolted out my door and down the stairs. In a flash I was in the trees
behind my house, I didn't even remember getting there. I could hear his footsteps behind me
and I ducked behind a tree, out of breath.
"Bella," he sang cruelly, "Bella, come out, come out wherever you are."
I closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing, but the sound of my heartbeat seemed to
echo through the woods. His footsteps stopped and I listened hard for his location. When it
had been silent for a moment, I took the opportunity to peek around the tree trunk. My eyes
were met with his dark green ones.
"There you are, baby," he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me out. "That wasn't nice,
running away from me. I thought we had something."
"Please don't," I cried, my adrenaline pumping hard.
"Don't worry, you'll like it." He smiled. It wasn't like any of the smiles I had seen grace his
face before, this one was ugly and mean.
He pushed me down on the ground; he was quicker with his pants this time. Shoving my skirt
up, he yanked at my panties until they were around my knees. He slipped a finger into me,
cooing as I squirmed.
"You like this, don't you, baby? You're wet for me."
Edward's body was on mine quickly, he pushed his way into me and I was stunned by the
sensations it caused. I expected it to hurt but it didn't. I must have been wet for him like he
said. The thought made me wretch. Edward held my hands above my head as he mercilessly
took what he wanted from me. My traitor body enjoyed the sensations of him inside me as I
cried for him to stop.
"Come on, Bella. Come for me," his rough voice demanded.
As I was about to shout never, my body revolted and started convulsing. I screamed out in a
mix of agony and ecstasy as I climaxed at his command.
I sat up sharply, my breathing heavy, my body still convulsing from my orgasm. The room
was dark and I had no idea where I was. As my eyes adjusted, I recognized my surroundings;
the extra single bed, the two desks, Edward's dorm. I looked down at the boy sleeping
peacefully next to me, his copper hair falling in his face. It had been a dream. Edward hadn't
raped me. It wasn't real but I had got off on it.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I slumped forward, resting my head on my risen knees. I wrapped my arms around my legs,
shaking from my dream. I thought they had stopped, because I hadn't had one in so long. I felt
sick that my subconscious would do this to me on my first night with Edward.
A warm hand found its way to my back. "Are you okay?" Edward's voice was calm and
peaceful again. Nothing like what it had been in my dream.
"Yeah, I just had a crazy dream," I said.
"Come here," he said, pulling me back down and snuggling me to his chest. "You want to talk
about it?"
This was the moment of truth. I had never told anyone about my secret. The irony is was I
always wanted something that made me interesting, this was too far, and people would be too
offended if they knew. I was offended. It didn't make sense to me, and I was the one with
those feelings.
Edward was different, though. Not that he'd understand, he would probably call the loony bin,
but something made me want to tell him, to share this with him. I felt safe curled in his arms
and I didn't want to lose that. I made up my mind to tell him, but I chickened out when I
opened my mouth.
"No, it's nothing."
Maybe someday Edward would learn my secret, but I couldn't risk losing him yet, not when I
just got him.
I couldn't stop thinking about the dream. I would be at work helping a customer when the
emotions came rushing back to me. Nothing seemed to stop them, and I didn't want them to. I
had fought these desires for years, this sick twisted part of me that I didn't want to exist but
was stronger than I was.
They were the reason why when Edward asked me out the next day, I told him I was busy. I
followed those same feelings to the west side of town. I had driven through the area before,
but I hadn't for a long time. The streets were polluted with trash and the air smelled stale. If
you had taken a picture, no one would believe it belonged to the same city just three blocks
east. It was a long way from campus but it held what I was looking for. I hoped.
The bus driver gave me a funny look when I pulled the string to get off. I guessed he didn't
have a lot of passengers that got off in this area. He barely stopped as I jumped off the bus.
The street was dimly lit but I could see well enough that there was no one around. I walked at
a normal pace down the street, my heartbeat picking up as I passed each alley way. My senses
were sharp. I could have heard a pin drop, even with my heartbeat ringing through my ears.
Something rattled against my hip, causing me to jump. I laughed at myself when I realized it
was my phone. I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled it out.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hi," Edward's voice came through, I couldn't help but smile. "I know you said you were busy
tonight, but I was just going to see if maybe you could come over after you were done with
whatever, and spend the night again." He was shy and it read through his entire request.
It hit me what I was doing right then. I was standing in a seedy area of town putting myself in
danger for a cheap thrill when there was a wonderful guy wishing to spend time with me. I
was an idiot.
"I'm just about done, actually. Things kind of fell, through, so I'll be over soon. Okay?" I
replied.
"Great," he replied enthusiastically.
We hung up and I quickly made my way to the pedestrian crossing. Looking both ways, I
crossed the road, I was focused so clearly on getting back to Edward that I didn't realize I was
being followed until I arrived at the bus stop.
"Hey pretty lady," a voice came from behind me.
I ignored them, but the feelings came rushing back to me; fear, panic, exhilaration. I was
already sitting on the bench at the stop so I felt trapped. If I got up to leave it would show
weakness. And as much as I wanted this feeling running through me, I didn't actually want the
end result.
"You are a sweet thang, aren't you?" a gruff voice stated. "Isn't she sweet, Caius?"
Caius sat down next to me; his long white hair was greasy and hanging in his face. His skin
looked like leather, wrinkled and used and yet I didn't suspect he was much older than thirty-
five. His friend sat on the other side of me, a contrast to Caius, he was dark and pale with
smooth skin.
"I think you could show us a real good time, couldn't you, sweetheart?" the dark haired one
said.
"I don't think so," I replied, it sounded firm in my head but when it came out, my voice
sounded young and weak.
"Don't worry, doll. All you have to do is lie there, we're pretty easy guys." Caius laughed and
then put his hand on my leg.
A tear ran down my cheek, why had I come here? Why had I wanted this? I deserved what
was coming.
"Shit, bus," the friend said. And I bolted out of my seat.
"Come on doll, stay with us," Caius cooed.
"I don't think so," I whimpered, flagging the bus.
As I got on, I could hear their cackles behind me. I looked out the windows as they touched
themselves and made lewd gestures towards the bus. I sat down and took a few deep breaths.
The fear had pulled up the memory of the dream again and I crossed my legs to relieve the
discomfort. My body was still betraying me.
When I arrived at home, I avoided my family and went straight to my room. I looked in the
round mirror attached to my dresser and saw something I had never seen before. My face
registered such fear, the emotion written on my skin, it was amazing.
Quickly I grabbed my camera, setting up a tripod and grabbing my remote. I snapped a few
pictures before I checked the display. It had taken too long to set up, the emotion was gone. I
had lost it. The guilt and the shame came rushing back.
I tucked myself into bed and had a dreamless sleep.
EPOV
I knew I hadn't known Bella long, but it was obvious to me that she wasn't herself lately. The
mask that she put on for the world was suddenly slipping into our alone time. Bella would act
aloof and then intense and I was starting to get whiplash from her moods.
I found her in the lunch room, she was eating a salad and had her face stuck in a book. I
walked behind her and leaned in, kissing her neck. She jumped, spinning around, her eyes
wide. Laughing, she brushed it off as her being in deep concentration, but somehow I doubted
that when she was only on page ten of a book that she had told me she read a hundred times.
"What are you doing tonight?" I asked, hoping to get some time alone.
"Tonight?" she hummed, "I told my dad I'd help him with a project he's working on."
"Oh," I said, not hiding my disappointment.
"I don't know when we'll be done, but maybe I'll have some time after," she offered.
"Yeah, okay. Just give me a call," I said before going to my locker and grabbing my own
lunch.
I took the spot next to her and she set aside the book. The way her hair fell down her back and
the slight slope of her nose made her look old fashioned in her profile. I loved the way her
cheeks were always tinged pink and her lips were shiny. She was my complete opposite and I
couldn't help but feel drawn to her, like the other half of her magnet. I studied her face as she
sat there eating her lunch. Finally, she turned to me and frowned.
"What?"
"Nothing." I smiled.
"Do I have something on my face?"
Instead of answering, I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. She sighed but pulled back
quickly. "I don't want to get in trouble," she explained.
"A little trouble can be fun," I teased, running my hand up her leg.
I expected her to laugh it off but instead her eyes looked wild and her face flushed with a look
that usually came about four minutes before the word ‘stop'. Not that I was counting.
"We could lose our jobs," she said but the excitement had crept to her mouth and she was
smirking.
"But what a way to get fired," I egged her on. I didn't care about anything except the look on
Bella's face at that moment.
She half heartedly said my name and then stood up, but I was quicker, blocking her path and
backing her into the lockers behind her. She made a small squeak when she hit the metal and
her breathing picked up. I placed my hands on either side of her head; leaning into her, I
dropped my lips to hers.
She was hesitant for about a second before her lips attacked me back. Her tiny fingers found
their way into my hair and I groaned as she tugged at it. My hands left their perch, moving to
her hips, holding them tightly as I kissed the hell out of my girlfriend.
I moved the kisses to her neck, giving her a chance to breathe and to say ‘stop' if she really
wanted to, although I was getting no clues towards that. Instead she pulled me closer until my
body was pressed up tightly to hers. She pushed her hips towards mine and for once, I was the
one to pull away.
"Bella, we need to stop," I breathed. "There is no way I'm jizzing in my work pants."
Bella's eyes went wide as she realized just how far we had gone, my erection a flashing red
light between us. I took a step back, focusing on thoughts of Kate and Garrett doing it to
cause my problem to cease. It worked every time.
"I," she cleared her throat, "should get back. I'll call you later, okay?"
I was glad I worked in the back because although my hard on subsided, the rest of my body
took another half hour to calm down.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Bella did call later that night, to tell me that she wouldn't be able to come over. She called me
from her cell even though she said she'd be at home. I didn't want to be suspicious but she had
been busy most nights and had cancelled on me three times in the last two weeks, I couldn't
help it.
She had seemed really into me, but maybe she was starting to understand that she could do
better than me. I didn't fit in with her friends and I'm sure her parents weren't too fond of me
after all the evenings I spent in her room.
I didn't know what to do. I really liked Bella but the hot and cold was more drama than I was
used to. She felt like she was worth it, but the part that wondered if she was cheating on me
wanted to get out before I got hurt.
"It's Friday, baby, what do you want to do tonight?" I asked her as we left work.
"Uhm," she stumbled and I got a sick feeling in my gut. "I have an errand to run at nine, so I'll
come over after that?"
"I thought we could have dinner together and catch a movie," I all but whined. I couldn't help
it. It had been four days since our lunchroom make out and I needed Bella. I missed our talks
and our kissing, I really missed our kissing.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I'll make it up to you, okay?"
I acquiesced but was determined to find out what was going on. It was how I found myself
following her bus from a safe distance after work. I had never done anything so creepily
stalkerish and I'm sure Jane would have had a field day if she found out about it. It's pretty
fucking hard to stalk a bus, they stop every fifty feet. Good thing passengers rarely look out
the back window. I didn't know why Bella had been taking the bus more lately; she had just
started coming less and less in her car to work.
I hit the locks on the doors as the bus entered the area of town I never fucking went through. I
was shocked when I saw the bus stop and I nearly gave up, wanting to drive past and wait
until it came out of that area, but then I saw my girlfriend step off.
"Shit, what is she doing?" I mumbled to myself, unsure of what to do. I stepped on the gas,
following the bus while watching Bella in my rear view mirror. She walked into a door and I
immediately pulled my car over. If someone wanted to steal my piece of shit, they could. I
needed to find out what the fuck was going on.
The bar was smoky even though cigarettes had been banned a few years prior in public places.
The burly men in leather jackets puffing away wouldn't give two shits about breaking that
law; they had much bigger ones to break. I immediately shifted off to the side, glad my all
black wardrobe would actually help me not stand out in a place like this. It was also evident
that I was not going to be carded here.
Bella, on the other hand, looked like a rose amongst the thorns. Her blazing red, or was it
pink, top was waving like a flag for the bulls as she walked to the bar. She didn't order a drink
but she took the time to scan the room, luckily missing me. She was looking for someone, but
whom? Who on earth could Bella know around here?
She stood defiant as a tall, bulky man with a thick beard approached her. He had the classic
look of a Hell's Angel. He muttered something to her that made her composure drop, and in a
second, she was walking briskly towards the door. The gorilla who spoke to her laughed
loudly as she exited the bar.
I followed behind her quickly; she was already at the end of the block by the time I left the
hell hole. She really must have booked it to be that far already and I was worried about what
that man had said to her. I broke into a slight jog
She must have heard my footsteps because she broke into a jog as well, her head whipping
back at me too quickly for her to really see me.
"Bella?" I called out and she stopped nearly dead in her tracks.
"Edward." I could see my name on her mouth, but I didn't actually here it. What did come
crystal clear to me was her panic and shock.
I caught up to her, breathing heavily. I was not used to physical activity and I was
embarrassed at my huffing.
"What's going on here?" I asked, still out of breath but starting to feel indignant about her lie.
She unexpectedly threw her arms around my neck and sobbed into my chest. "I'm so sorry, so
sorry, what is wrong with me?"
"What are you talking about?" I asked my anger dissipating. My girlfriend was obviously in
some distress.
She looked up at me and then over my shoulder, the panic still alive in her eyes. "Can we get
out of here?"
I nodded my head. Putting my arm around her waist, I led her to my car. I hadn't gotten any
answers by following her but I was taking her home and we were going to talk this out. I
glanced at the tattoo on my wrist as I drove toward campus and one thought came across my
mind.
I better have been right about this.
Chapter 7
As the hysteria slowly dissipated, a new wave threatened to take me as I remembered the
details of the night. I was embarrassed at what I had done and I was humiliated that I had been
caught.
It took me no time to find the bar; I had used Google maps to give me exact directions to the
place. It was even seedier than I expected but I didn't pause a moment, I just entered. My eyes
caught the bar the moment I walked in and I headed straight for it. I could feel my blood
pump, my hands were shaking with energy, but I held my head high. I scanned the room,
wondering if anyone even cared I was here. I rather expected to be met at the door by some
brute who'd rub up against me and I'd leave.
Not a soul made eye contact with me and I felt silly. I had come all the way down here for my
fix and it didn't look like I was going to get it. I should have been with Edward - I was stupid
to have blown him off. I took a deep breath, prepared to leave, when I had seen him coming
toward me. He was exactly what I had expected earlier, but now that he was in front of me, I
didn't want to do this anymore. I stood tall, but my knees shook as he approached me.
"I think you better leave, sweetheart, this ain't no place for the likes of you," he whispered
these words close to me. They were not at all what I expected but they were entirely right, I
needed to get out of there. Not waiting another moment, I headed straight for the door.
The tears started the moment I was through the door, and I trucked down the street as fast as
I could walk. I didn't want to run, I'd read somewhere that predators are more likely to chase
you then, but that could have been bears.
Edward pulled up in front of my house, I stared blankly at it. I had expected him to take me
back to the dorms. My abode was filled with parents and a brother who had been awfully
pissy at me lately. I expected Edward to be mad but I thought he'd at least want to talk. When
I looked over at him, anger was not the emotion I saw. He looked hurt, he looked confused,
but most of all, he looked panicked.
"Are we going to talk?" I asked, sniffing.
"Are you able to now?" Edward asked, "Bella, you've barely breathed since we got in the car,
I was beginning to wonder if I should take you to the hospital."
"I thought you'd take me to your place," I replied.
"I asked you, Bella. But you didn't answer."
I hadn't remembered him asking me anything, but I also didn't remember any of the car ride
home. I looked at him apologetically, knowing that I'd need more than a look to explain
things.
"Are you going to tell me what happened tonight, Bella? Fuck, what were you even doing
there?" he asked.
I turned to him and took his hands. "I'll tell you everything. Just let me get some things and
we'll go back to your place, okay?" I asked hopefully.
He looked unsure but he agreed. I told him to wait in the car while I fetched my things. I
didn't need two of us, looking like we'd raised the dead tonight, tromping through my house.
We would surely be spotted and we would never get out of there.
I made it up to my bedroom undetected. I grabbed a small duffle out of my closet and threw
some clothes in it. I was grabbing an extra set of underwear when a throat cleared behind me.
I spun around to see Jasper standing at the door.
"Not now," I said.
"Yes, now," he stated firmly. "We get that you are into Edward, but your friends would like
some attention too. You spend every night with him. Alice is feeling really hurt, Bella. She's
going to be your sister someday."
"Oh my God, did you ask her?" I asked, excited and forgetful of the drama for a moment.
"No, but I will someday, and you won't want her pissed at you cause you've been avoiding
her." Truer words have never been spoken. Alice mad was a bit like the eye of a tornado,
scary and really calm.
"I haven't been avoiding you guys," I lied. What they didn't know was that I had been doing
the same thing to Edward. I didn't deserve any of them. "I promise we will do something
soon, okay? Edward is waiting."
"Okay sis, but I sure hope he's worth it."
Edward had his head in his hands when I got back to the car. I looked at him, but he didn't
return the look, he just sighed and put his car into gear and drove. We were both quiet the
entire drive to his place. What I had to say couldn't really be said in a car and he obviously
couldn't start without me.
The silence carried us into his building and up to his room where he immediately went and sat
down on his bed, returning his head to his hands. Placing my bag by the door, I stood there a
moment looking at him, wondering where to begin and if this was going to be my last time
with him.
"I don't know where to start," I said, buying myself a little more time. I was too nervous to sit
or even pace, I stood still in the middle of the floor wishing for it to swallow me.
"What were you doing there tonight?" he asked, looking up at me with confusion and hurt
written across his face. "How did you even know about that place?"
"I think I'd like to start somewhere else, if that's okay," I said timidly. He just stared at me so I
continued on. "Do you remember when I slept over that first night?"
"Of course," his strained voice replied. "You had a nightmare."
"In my dream, you raped me," I started. My hands shook as I waited for his response.
"What?" he said shocked and possibly offended. "I would never do that, you know that,
right?"
"I know," I responded. "The problem was...it wasn't a nightmare. I woke up because it excited
me."
"Bella, you were shaking. You were so scared when you woke up," he argued.
"No, I was shaking because I had an orgasm in my sleep. I was scared you would find out."
I watched the look of disbelief go across his face before it was replaced with a scowl. This
was the reaction I expected.
"You got off on a dream of me raping you?" The word raping came out like a cuss.
"I find it hard to explain, even to myself. I used to lay awake at night and pray for something
bad to happen to me. I know that probably makes me a horrible person, but I can't help it.
Your tragedy makes you interesting, desirable; no one wants the girl with the charmed life.
Men want a woman who has a weakness, who needs saving. I don't need saving. Did you
know Marilyn Monroe once attributed her famous wiggle to the fact that she had one leg
shorter than the other? Men want prey they can take down."
"I don't understand. You could have any guy you wanted."
"No, Edward, besides you, the only other guys that ever want me are exceptionally boring.
Like me, I guess."
"You're not boring, but shit, Bella, rape? How could you want that?"
"I don't, not really. I want the idea of it but I don't really want to be raped. I feel horrible about
it, I had a friend who was raped and I couldn't stop thinking how lucky she was," I cried, "I
knew that she was strong and she would pull through, and on the other side of her
circumstance, she would be more desirable. I don't want to think this way, I just can't help it."
Edward sat very still on his bed; he looked almost like a statue. I felt desperate and helpless. I
wasn't worth the trouble and I had to stand there and wait for Edward to decide that. I had told
him my secret and it hadn't made me interesting, it'd made me unstable. Why couldn't my
mental disorder be anorexia like the other girls my age?
When he finally looked up, his face was a mask of fear. "Bella, is that why you were at that
bar? To try and get raped?" He looked like he was going to throw up.
"No," I denied, it was technically the truth. "I feel a rush, when I'm in a situation like that, the
adrenaline starts pumping and I feel like...it's impossible to describe."
Edward stood up and stalked toward me, he eyes looked dark and I couldn't help my heart
race when he grabbed my arms. "You could have been raped. If I hadn't been there, Bella, you
could have been killed and left in a dumpster. Do you understand?"
My breathing increased and I could feel my skin flush. Edward looked hard at my face,
searching for something. When he saw my obvious reaction to what he was doing, he dropped
his hands and stepped back.
"Is that why you were attracted to me? Cause you thought I would be the kind of guy to use
you? To push you? To rape you?" He was nearly yelling at the end.
"No, I mean, you have a style that says you're in control but I didn't think..." Did I? Was my
attraction for Edward based on the fact that he looked like the type of guy that gets what he
wants?
"I don't know if I can be what you need," Edward said quietly.
"I don't need you to be anything, Edward. I really like you."
"I do too, but I need some time."
I sniffled once but was able to hold my tears at bay. "I understand. I'll just call a cab."
"I can drive you home," he offered sincerely.
"I don't think that would be for the best," I replied, not wanting to hold my tears all the way
home again.
I took one last look at Edward before leaving his dorm. He looked as beautiful as the first day
I had seen him, but now he looked broken. I had broken the beauty; I guess that made me the
beast.
EPOV
I looked down at my hands, they were shaking. My fingernails blurred even more as I tried to
focus on them, focus on anything but the fact that my girlfriend just told me she had fantasies
of being raped. I stood up quickly off the bed, I wasn't even sure when I had sat back down.
My destination was clear; I couldn't have cut a more direct path to the desk if there were air
traffic controllers with their light sticks guiding me. I ripped open the drawer and grabbed the
paper bag. I usually rolled my weed and smoked it, but I felt as though this occasion required
a bong.
I grabbed the half drunken water bottle off my desk and poured the water into my glass bong.
I dumped a small amount of weed into the cone and grabbed a lighter. Lighting the herbs, I
waited for the bubbles to start and the smoke to be produced.
The first shot did nothing. It didn't wipe away the image of Bella in my mind at that club, and
it sure as hell didn't wipe away the knowledge that she had wanted me to do that to her. Her
subconscious put me in that dream, she had wanted it.
"Fuck," I hissed and took another long pull off the bong. I normally never smoked in my room
and I never smoked alone, but this night sure as fuck didn't feel normal, so I took another hit.
I could anticipate what the calm would feel like, I'd enjoyed it many times before, but I wasn't
quite there. I leaned over the mouthpiece again, hoping that this take would erase the last few
hours from my body. When I felt my muscles relax, my mind followed. Even in my state, I
knew that I'd still have to deal with everything that happened but I was high enough not to
care. I lay down on my bed at stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.
I slept like shit and was woken by the shrill sound of my cell phone ringing. It told me it could
only be one person.
Jane.
She had threatened to remove one of my balls if I attached a song to her name on my phone.
Clichéd and overdone were the words she used to describe the ‘trend'. She thought that by
giving everyone their own special ring tone, we were propagating the ideal that everyone is
special and therefore making no one special.
I hadn't the heart to explain that by her choosing the default ring on my cell, she would be just
as discernable on my phone as anyone else.
"Hello," I grumbled into the phone.
"I'm on my way over so don't be naked, and tell cheerleader to cover her bits."
She hung up and was banging on my door about three minutes later. Still in my clothes from
the previous night, I ran a hand through my hair. I grabbed a piece of gum off my dresser and
popped it into my mouth; I think calling it dragon breath would have been an insult to dragons
everywhere.
"You look like shit," Jane greeted me as she barged through the door. "And your room smells
like the inside of Tyler's van." Tyler was the guy we bought the weed from, and the thing
reeked so bad of Mary Jane you could smell it a block away.
"Yeah, well I feel like shit and I smoked a lot of weed last night. Sue me," I teased. Telling a
law student to sue you wasn't the cleverest joke in the book, but the saying pissed Jane off so
much it made it funny again.
"What is your problem?" she growled. "You're more pissy than usual."
"It's a long story," I replied truthfully.
"Does it have something to do with cheerleader?" she asked her voice softer than normal.
"Yeah, we're kind of taking a break right now." I watched Jane as she studied my face. I hated
when she did it, it made me feel like a lab rat; add that to the fact she was eerily accurate
every time she did it and it became full out creepy.
"It was your idea, but why? I thought you liked her?"
"How do you do that shit?" I complained. "Look, I don't really want to talk about it yet,
okay?"
Now Jane was the type of girl who would grill you until she got every last detail out of you, it
was what was going to make her a great lawyer one day, but something in my eyes caused her
to hold her tongue, and I was grateful. I just hoped her bizarre parlor trick hadn't given her the
exact cause of the break.
"That's too bad," she said honestly, "I liked her." I was unable to hide the shock on my face,
Jane caught it immediately. "What? She was fun to torment." She looked like she was going
to laugh but I felt like shit and she caught that. A lot could be said about Jane but she did care
for her friends and I was her best.
"Listen, why did you come over in the first place?"
"Not important now," she replied cryptically. "We are going to hang out and smoke the rest of
your weed."
And that's exactly what we did. For the next hour, Jane and I shared a silent companionship as
she was there for me in the way I needed her to be. Before she left, she threw a bottle of eye
drops at me and flashed me a small smile.
"Thanks."
"Don't go soft on me now, Cullen," was her final parting shot.
Bella and I had different work schedules the next three days, I wasn't sure if it was luck or her
doing that made it so, but the time was both tortuous and needed. I didn't know what I
expected when I saw her, maybe I thought she'd have gone too far and got herself hurt or
maybe be a little sad about our break, but I do know I didn't expect her to be laughing and
hugging some blonde guy in the romance section. Oh sweet irony, you fucking suck.
She didn't see me as she chatted with Mr. All American, her face looked relaxed and happy,
but when I looked closer, I saw that her fists were clenched. I really studied her then and I
could see the mask on her face. At least blondie hadn't made it past her mask yet.
I walked into the back room. Grabbing a shelving cart, I started to scan books into the system
and place them on the cart. It wasn't until the tape got stuck the on the second box and I
kicked it that I realized I was bottling up my emotions.
I was hurt.
Bella had shared part of her with me and I asked for time to process it. I hadn't really meant it
as a break up. I didn't understand how she could have moved on so fast. My mind was still
reeling from what Bella had told me the other day, I was suddenly in need of some weed, but I
pushed that thought aside. Weed couldn't fix it forever.
What didn't make sense in my mind was how a girl who desired to be raped wasn't even
comfortable having sex with her boyfriend. Was she teasing me and holding out so that I
would get pushy enough to...
I couldn't even finish the thought, it made me sick. I couldn't figure out how I could want to
be with someone who wanted that from me. I wondered if she had told me about it and asked
if we could act out her fantasy what I would have said. I couldn't imagine being so rough with
Bella. Okay, maybe a little rough, but nothing like what she wanted. Would she want me to
hit her?
I ran my hands through my hair. None of my thoughts were helping, and it hardly seemed to
matter anymore. It had appeared that Bella moved on. I didn't even realize when the door
opened; I was too busy in my head.
"Edward." Her voice was unsure as she fiddled with her hands.
I looked up at her and I couldn't deny that the attraction was still there. Her mere presence
made my heart palpitate and my logic disappear. I still wanted her and that caused a new rush
of emotions.
I didn't answer her. I just stared at her hands, watching them flip over each other. I wanted to
ask her why she was here, who that tool was she was hugging, and if she still wanted me, but
instead I stood there, dumb.
"I know you said you needed time. I just...I don't know what that means. I've been thinking a
lot about what I said to you and no matter what you decide, I need you to know one thing. My
attraction for you has nothing to do with what is wrong with me. I don't think you'd do that to
me. I don't want you to."
I looked at her earnest face; I really wanted to believe her, but how could I when her
subconscious had already accused me of doing it? I didn't know what to trust but I did have a
question for her.
"Who was that guy you were hugging?"
She looked surprised at my question but answered quickly. "That was Mike," she stated.
I ran through my memory for that name, I knew I had heard it before. Then it hit me and I felt
really betrayed.
"Mike? The guy you lost your virginity to?" I huffed.
"Yeah, I told you we were still friends-and that he has a girlfriend," she added.
I kept my mouth closed because if I opened it, I knew I was going to say something really
stupid. When in doubt, shut up.
Bella shifted on her feet, looking adorable and stressed. I wanted to hold her but I didn't know
where we stood, I still hadn't figured it out.
"Well, I just wanted to say that...I guess I'll go."
She turned and headed for the door, and against my better judgment, I called out. "Bella?" She
turned at me, looking hopeful. "Just a couple more days, okay?"
"Okay," she said with the slightest hint of a smile.
Chapter 8
BPOV
Edward hadn't completely shut me down, and that gave me hope. With our limited time
dating, I already knew that I liked Edward for more than just his appearance. We were very
different but we seemed to mesh well together. I wanted to see if we could make it work over
the long haul, but there was no way to do that unless he came back to me.
I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts went back and forth between, I'm
a nice girl, why wouldn't he come back? and my brain is so fucked up there is no way he is
coming back. I felt panic at the thought of Edward leaving. I counted the tiny dots of stucco
on the ceiling, trying to take my mind off losing him. There was nothing I could do until he
told me if he wanted to continue to date, so there was no use worrying about it. Perfect logic,
imperfect in practice.
I glanced over at my alarm clock and watched the bright red numbers change from 11:59 to
12:00. My mind continued to race even though I had clearly told it to stop, as it would do no
good. Before I knew it, the time edged closer and closer to one. Trying to get my brain to
focus on anything but Edward was almost a lost cause until something else entirely popped in.
My eyes flickered closed as an image bombarded my brain.
Hands holding mine tight above my head.
I felt my heartbeat pick up as the next image hit.
My panties being torn from my body.
My legs rubbed together as I felt the thrill of the fantasy hit me. But then one more image
cleared the scene. It was Edward's face when I told him I had the dream about him. He looked
so hurt and sad, it killed any desire I had been feeling.
I kicked my blankets off the bed and flung my legs over the side. The floor was always cold,
even in the summer, but I didn't pay attention to it. I grabbed a t-shirt and threw it on over my
tank top, before pulling on the pair of shorts I had worn the day before. I didn't bother with a
bra, I knew the effect the night air would have on my body, and even consciously, I knew it
could cause me to be singled out. I opened my door and quietly worked my way down the
hall. I was a grown woman and my parents treated me as so, but regardless, I didn't want them
to know I was going out. There was no way I wanted to try and explain something I couldn't.
A noise made me halt, and I listened again. A small moan came from behind my parents door,
and then the bang again. I made a face when I realized I was hearing my parents having sex,
no one should ever have to experience that. I started walking again when I heard my father
grunt. I may have thrown up in my mouth a little.
Once I was out of the house, I headed on foot down the street. The area I lived in was not all
that dangerous but the dark made anyplace look unsafe. I headed straight for the park,
knowing even if I lived in a safe area that parks could always draw unsavory people.
I walked slowly, listening intently for any sounds of life around me. The grass hid the sounds
of my footsteps and the moonlight created shadows. The atmosphere was right but there was
nothing in sight. No drunken frat boys, no homeless people, not even a teenager.
I sat down on the lone bench in the park and looked around once again. With the moment
came reflection and I found myself wondering what the fuck I was doing. How could I expect
Edward to want me if I couldn't control this side of me? I knew how dangerous and reckless I
was being and I had never really thought about how it would affect Edward.
A twig branch snapped to the right of me and my breath came out in a whoosh. I swung my
head around to see a small rabbit hopping its way out of the trees and through the park. I let
out a laugh that sounded more like a huff, and a tear rolled down my face. Why couldn't I stop
this?
I made the small walk out of the park and back into the light of the streetlamps. It didn't take
long for me to make my way home but I could barely remember the walk through my tears. I
knew I needed help, there was no way I could control this on my own. I had tried and it'd
worked for a while, but now that the fantasies had come back, I had upped the stakes on
myself.
My dreams had started when I was seventeen. There was no great moment in my life that I
could pinpoint and say, yes, there, that is why my brain is fucked up. They began rather tame.
First it started with thoughts of being tied up, fairly normal as fantasies go. But then one day
they took a turn for the macabre. I don't remember my first full on rape fantasy but I do
remember that I did have a reoccurring one.
I would be walking down the street and a van would pull up beside me. The guys inside
would call out lewd things and tease me, and I'd ignore them. Finally, one would jump out
and grab me, throwing me inside the vehicle. They would comment on my innocence and how
they would taste it, taste me. One would rip my shirt open while the other watched with a
cruel look in his eyes. The driver would always be quiet and faceless; it was the two in the
back that would star in my mind. I would squirm as they took me, alternating turns and
laughing as I cried.
I knew pretty early on that I wasn't having normal fantasies. I started dating Mike shortly after
and they seemed to disappear. Mike was safe and nice and we had fun together. Just like
Mike, I figured the fantasies must have been a phase; it wasn't until I started dating Edward
that they came back in full force.
I opened the front door of the house, trying to keep as quiet as I had when I left, even with my
sniffling. I padded up the steps and was just about to enter my room when I looked over and
saw a light coming from under Jasper's door. I suddenly felt like I needed my brother. I wiped
the tears from my face and took one deep breath before knocking on his door.
Jasper was shirtless and in his pajama pants when he opened the door. He looked tired but not
as if he had been asleep. He crooked his head at me, kind of like a bird, and then opened the
door so that I could come in. On his desk he had his laptop open and I could see he had been
playing Warcraft. He sat down on the chair in front of it but swiveled around to face me. I
plopped down on the bed and gathered my nerve.
"What's up?" he asked. I stared up at him and bit my lip, still searching for the words. I
noticed him looking at me then, really looking. He was up in a flash and next to me on the
bed. "What is it, Bella? What's wrong?"
"Jasper, I need your help," I sobbed. I slumped my body towards him and he stuck his arm
around me.
"What is it?" he asked again, this time his voice seemed desperate.
"There is something wrong with me." He tried to disagree but I wouldn't let him, I just let the
words slide out. "I want something bad to happen to me. I know I shouldn't, we have this
perfect life and I know I should be grateful for it, but all I can think about is how the people
with real tragedies in their lives get celebrated. I mean, you never see someone like me on
Oprah."
"Wait, what are you talking about? Why do you want to be on Oprah?" Jasper stared at me
with a confused face and I almost laughed.
"I'm going to tell you something, but I need you to promise not to tell anyone, okay?" I asked,
and then clarified, "Not even Alice."
He nodded his head, still looking too confused to speak. Then I told him. Not everything, but I
told him about the fantasies, the desire to be interesting. He listened as I explained where I
had been going out at nights, how I had been courting trouble, and his face turned a pale
shade of green. I almost didn't tell him about the night Edward had found me, but it had felt
good to talk about it with someone and I couldn't stop.
"Bella do you understand how dangerous what you've been doing is?" His voice was raspy
and harsh.
"I do, but I can't seem to stop," I told him truthfully.
"We have to tell someone, Bella, you should see someone," he started.
"No," I cut him off, "I don't want anyone else to know."
"Bella, you want to be raped." He spat the word and it felt like a slap.
I didn't answer him, I didn't know how to. I couldn't explain the conflicting emotions that
were coursing through me. How could I justify to him that I didn't really want to be raped?
Even though I had the fantasies of it happening, what I truly wanted was the aftermath.
Really, any tragedy would do, but at least with this one there was a sexual undercurrent that
thrilled me. I wanted to be consoled, to feel worthy of attention. Maybe I was just the epitome
of shallow. I made myself sick.
When I found my voice, I convinced Jasper to keep quiet for now. He told me he would watch
out for me, and if he found out that I was going out alone again, he'd put a stop to it. I really
hoped it would be enough incentive for me.
EPOV
I had told Bella I just needed a few more days. I wasn't sure if that was a lie or not. I had no
idea whether I could be ready with a decision in such a short time. So I did what I always did
when I needed to figure something out. I researched, well...I Googled.
I learned that one in four women had rape fantasies, but nothing told me whether Bella's
actions were common. I took it to mean that they weren't. I thought about what Bella had said
to me. That she wanted to be interesting, that she wanted a tragedy. Was this just the simplest
way for her to achieve that?
The way she had acted when she was caught was almost like an addict. I didn't know if it was
healthy for me to be with her if she didn't get help, but I really liked her and it was hard for
me to imagine saying goodbye. We had only been together for a short time but the connection
between us had been growing for two years. That was a lot of time to give up on. The more I
researched, the more I strayed away from her actual actions and looked more to her
symptoms. From what I read, it appeared that Bella had extremely low self-esteem, which I
couldn't wrap my head around. She was beautiful and vivacious, but I guess there is more than
looks associated to self-esteem. All the talk about her being interesting, she truly believed
herself to be a dull person. I likened it to anorexia, the person could be really skinny and not
see themselves clearly, Bella was interesting and funny and she couldn't see it. I wondered if I
could show her or if she would need professional help. I thought it was pretty safe to assume
the latter.
My mind spun in circles trying to figure out what I could possibly do to help Bella. The only
thing I was sure of is that I wanted to. I had grown quite attached to her, and after my shock
had worn off from the things she said, I still wanted her. I just wasn't sure how that would
work.
The knock on the door caused me to look up from the computer screen. My sight blurred and I
looked at the clock, realizing I had been researching for hours. I rubbed my sore eyes with the
palms of my hands. When I opened the door, Jane was standing on the other side with a
brown paper bag in one hand.
"Hey."
"I was right," she said, pushing her way past me. "You are over thinking things, aren't you?"
"No," I said petulantly, "I'm being thorough."
She sat down on the bed and placed the bag at her feet. I fidgeted under the scrutiny of her
gaze as she just sat there and watched me.
"What did she do that's so bad?"
"Why do you think she did something bad?" I asked. She didn't answer, just raised a
questioning brow. I tried to ignore her, but no one can really escape one of Jane's looks, they
are downright painful. "If I tell you, this stays here in this room. Okay?"
Her face got serious and she looked offended. "I take attorney-client privileges very
seriously."
"You aren't my lawyer, Jane."
"I take my friend-friend privileges even more seriously."
If Jane was anything, besides evil, she was actually pretty loyal. She had helped me out of
more than one jam but this was different. I wasn't sure if I should be telling Bella's secrets, but
I needed help, so I told her. I laid everything out there, what had happened, what Bella had
said, what I had said, and Jane just sat there and listened. I'd never seen her listen to anything
that long-winded without interrupting. I was a little worried, to be honest.
"So, now you are sitting and researching her on the computer?" Jane asked when I finished
my story.
"Well not her in specific, but yeah." Her face remained blank. It was obvious she would make
a good lawyer with that poker face.
"Want my advice?" Jane asked.
"Please," I begged.
"Date her or don't, but it's not up to you to change who she is. If she has a problem, all you
can do is be there if she wants you to be. If not, either sit by and watch, or you leave."
"But-" I started.
"But nothing. That is your only choice here, Edward, you stay or you go. The rest of the
choices are hers to make." I looked down at her and then sank down on my roommate's bed. I
retreated into my head, wondering more about Bella. Worrying about where she was and what
she was doing. I was brought out of my thoughts by a stinging slap to my forehead. "Now
enough relationship crap, I brought Settlers." Jane pulled out the two player card game and
started to divvy out the piles. I laughed and went to the foot of my bed and sat down as she set
the game up between us.
It was subtle and I didn't know how she knew, but she had found a way to successfully take
my mind off my problems for a couple hours. When she packed up her things to go at the end
of the night, I felt so grateful to have her as my friend. I knew a lot of people didn't
understand her but she was mine and I was hers.
"Thanks," I said to her and tried to give her a hug. She pushed on my chest and kept her
distance but had a smirk on her face. Jane and I didn't touch a lot; she wasn't a touchy kind of
person.
"Easy, Romeo, let's not get frisky," she teased.
"Right, not without a car," I bit back, but my eyes gleamed with mischievousness.
She regarded me with a playful look but then turned serious. "No, I think I'll need at least a
yacht."
"Prices went up?"
"Just for you. I wouldn't want to risk our friendship over sex and cars." She joked but her
words were serious, that was as close as Jane came to saying that I was important to her. It
was okay, I already knew.
"But a yacht's okay?" I laughed.
"Careful, Cullen, or it'll be a plane," Jane quipped as she headed out the door.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"Hi Edward." The voice made me physically recoil but the vapid blonde didn't notice. She
smacked her gum and twirled her hair as she sat on my receiving desk.
"Lauren," I replied formally.
"So my parents have this cabin out in the woods, and every summer they let me have a crazy
awesome party at it. So like, I'm inviting like, all the store as well as a few dozen of my
closest friends. You should totally come!" She did this thing where she grabbed her own
boobs and adjusted them. I think she meant to be sexy but it fell flat.
"Ahhhhhh." I searched my brain for a reason to say no and then realized I didn't really need
one, but then she said something else.
"Last year was killer, Eric and Sam brought a keg and Bella was totally trashed. She was
dancing on the table, it was hilarious. She was out of control!"
"Yeah, I'll be there," I said quickly.
If Bella was going, I knew I had to go, to keep her safe. A house full of drunk twenty-
somethings was not a good place for a girl with her mindset.
"Cool, it's on Saturday; I'll get you the directions on my break." She smiled widely.
"Yeah, okay," I replied. That gave me one more day to figure out what to say to Bella, cause
at the party, I was going to try and talk to her. I needed her to see that she was wonderful and
she didn't need this in her life to be interesting.
I hoped I was enough for her.
Chapter 9
BPOV
I watched Lauren walk out of the back room with a self satisfied smirk on her face. Oh, the
things I would have given to be able to wipe it off her face. She wandered up to me but the
smile stayed strong.
"Hey, Bella, the big party's on Saturday. You in?"
I really didn't want to go, last year I went and it was a nightmare. I tripped over a couple
making out on the couch and fell on top of the coffee table. The next day, stories were
floating around how I was so drunk I couldn't stand and I had danced on the coffee table.
"I don't think I can make it," I said, not wanting to be rude.
"Oh, too bad, cause everyone else from the store is going, it's going to be great." When she
said everyone, my head tilted to look around her at the door to the back room.
"Everyone?" I inquired.
"Yup," she replied, popping her gum.
"Well, let me see if I can move some things around. I'll let you know." I had no plans on not
attending now that I knew Edward was going to be there, but I felt stupid just changing my
mind like that.
I didn't see Edward for the rest of the day. I couldn't figure out what would possess him to
accept Lauren's party invitation. I knew he wasn't interested in those kinds of events, instead
preferring the relaxed nights in with friends. The only thing I could think of was that he had
some sort of interest in Lauren. My stomach clenched at the thought. Of course, Lauren was a
lot like me in a way, just a plain girl with average intelligence, but at least she put out.
I felt like crap for the rest of the day. My stupid visual mind conjured up the image of Edward
and Lauren together and I couldn't shake it. It was exactly what I deserved, although Edward
deserved much better.
Jasper was waiting for me when I left work that day. He had offered to pick me up and drop
me off as a way of keeping me out of temptations way. I slumped down in the passenger seat
and he looked at me with a sad smile.
"How's it going?" he asked.
I decided full disclosure was the best idea, so I told him about Lauren and the party and the
hope that Edward and I could reconnect there. Jasper seemed to think Edward would only go
to a party like that if he knew I was going, but when I told him Lauren had asked Edward first
and he had said yes, he didn't look so convinced.
"He'd be a fool not to want you, Bella. I know you're my sister, but I can recognize you'd be a
good catch."
"I don't know. I used to stare at him at school and wonder whether he'd even give me the time
of day if I ever met him. He did...and I screwed it up. I can't imagine me getting that chance
twice."
"Well either way, Bella, there will be someone out there for you. I know you like Edward,
but maybe he's not the one for you."
I took those words with a grain of salt. After all, Jasper was my brother, and I was pretty sure
he had to say things like that. Brothers never thought the guy you were with was good
enough.
I had hoped to talk to Edward on Friday, even just to give him a heads up that I would be at
the party on Saturday, but I woke up with a small but nasty case of food poisoning and had to
call in sick. The undercooked chicken made its way out of my system by the afternoon, and I
was feeling weak, but I knew I'd be able to make it to Lauren's party the next night.
Around dinner time, I got up and made myself a bowl of chicken noodle soup and curled
myself on the couch to eat it. My mom had offered to make me something, but since it was
her chicken that did me in the first time, I told her I'd take care of it.
The phone rang in the other room and I heard my dad answer it. "Hello...yes, she is...yup..."
His gruff tone told me it was a boy and it was for me. My dad came into the room and handed
me the phone, ruffling my hair before taking off again.
I took a deep breath, wondering if this was how Edward would tell me he didn't want me
anymore. Couldn't he have picked a time where I felt just a little more desirable?
"Hello," I wheezed into the phone. What can I say, I was a girl and I knew how to invoke the
sympathy.
"Bella?" the male voice answered. It wasn't Edward.
"Yeah," I replied, my voice a bit more corporeal and a lot less breathy.
"Hey, it's James. I just wanted to know if you needed a ride to Lauren's party tomorrow. I'm
not going to drink cause I have to do a bunch of crap for my mom and I thought you and
Edward might like a ride."
Edward and I hadn't flaunted our relationship around work, so I guess it made sense that
people didn't realize we were no longer together, but it still stung to hear.
"Uhm, Edward and I aren't going together," I said shyly.
"Oh." His voice told me he was shocked. "Do you, uh, want to talk about it?"
"Naw, I'm good," I said lightly. James chuckled.
I accepted his offer for a ride, I figured I wouldn't get into much trouble if I went with James,
and if Edward and I patched things up, then I would be able to go home with him. That
thought put a smile on my face as I slurped down the rest of my soup.
The problem with my plan was blindingly clear once I got into James' car. If Edward didn't
want me back, I was stuck there until James wanted to leave. James and I had always had a
good banter between us and that didn't change being outside of the store. We talked about
movies and joked about Lauren and Jessica as we made the drive out to the cabin.
When we reached the cabin, the party was in full swing. Music blared out through the
windows and people were already spilled out onto the lawn. Lauren had really outdone herself
this time. James called out a name I didn't know and shot me a quick wave before heading
over to his friends.
I headed for the house, making my way past a few people who looked like they started the
party really early. The inside was basically one big room. It made it great for parties because
you could set up a dance floor and still have room for people to sit on the couches and such.
There was an upstairs, but as far as I knew it was just bedrooms, and so there had never been
a reason for me to go up there.
I went to the kitchen and added my twenty bucks to the party jar. It was part of the party
tradition; Lauren would get all the alcohol and we'd just pay into the jar. I don't know how she
didn't manage getting short changed every year but I suspected I helped even out the funds
since I rarely drank more than one.
I saw a few people I knew and I spent the first hour chatting and catching up. The problem
was my eyes were trained on the front door. My heart was willing him to enter but I was still
scared of the outcome. I was still intently focusing on the door when a low voice came over
my shoulder.
"Waiting for someone?"
I jumped and turned around. I wanted to chastise him for scaring me but I couldn't, because
after not physically seeing Edward for a couple days, I felt like a starving man at a buffet. His
hair looked its usual wonderful self, slightly off kilter but perfect in its own way. He was
wearing black pants, but for the first time, he was wearing a green top. I wondered who had
picked it out for him because there was no way he could have known it was the exact same
shade of his eyes. He held and empty cup in his hand and I wondered how long he had been at
the party before I'd seen him.
My perusal did not go unnoticed and Edward's perfect lips had a smirk on them by the time I
made it to them. My gaze always came back to the lips.
"Can we talk?" he asked, his smile faltering slightly.
"Sure," I said. My heart beat loudly in my chest as it panicked.
"Let me just grab a drink," he said.
I nodded and he went into the kitchen area. I watched as Lauren padded her way over to him
and I couldn't help but think of how cheap she looked in that tube top and miniscule jean skirt.
At a party, in a cabin, dressed like that, she was a bad horror movie cliché waiting to happen.
But maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
I watched her fake painted nails rake across Edward's chest before she took the cup from him.
I watched him for any reaction as she fetched his drink, but I couldn't see well enough to tell.
What if that was what he needed to talk to me about? Maybe he really did like Lauren.
Edward took a sip of his drink as soon as he got it back. He looked over to me but Lauren
kept talking, so he returned his attention to her. After about fifteen minutes, I was pretty sure
he wasn't getting away from her anytime soon, so I went and found myself a seat.
I'd wait and let him come find me when he was ready. Maybe I was postponing the enviable
but I liked the world I lived in. It still had hope. But that hope was quashed when I looked up
and watched Lauren with her arm around Edward's waist as she lead him up the stairs...to the
bedrooms.
EPOV
I arrived at the party, barely. My car was wheezing its way down the highway and I wondered
how much good I'd be as a protector if I couldn't even get there. I was excited to see Bella.
Once I had decided I wanted to give it a shot, it was all I could do not to rush over to her. But
I was glad I had waited until tonight, it felt right.
Bella was nowhere in sight when I entered the small cabin. There were already quite a few
people there so I just headed to the kitchen to grab a drink. I pulled a can of coke out of the
fridge and poured it into a cup just as Lauren approached me.
"Hi, Edward," she said, batting her eyes.
"Hey," I said and then took a drink.
"Can I get you something to put in that?"
"No, I'm good," I replied, annoyed.
"Come on, Eddie, it's a party." She flicked her blonde hair behind her shoulder, thrusting her
chest towards me. I took another drink to hide my laughter.
"I'm actually driving, so no drinking for me," I said before walking away.
I headed out back of the house, thinking Lauren would stay inside and greet guests as they
came. Luckily, I was right. There were a few people out back smoking, some cigarettes, some
weed. I sat on the steps of the deck with my elbows on my knees and my drink hanging down
from my fingertips. I could tell already it was going to be a long night.
I slowly sipped my drink and then noticed someone that I knew, finally. James came around
back with a few other guys.
"So I see you brought Bella, what's up with that, man?" one of the guys said. My ears perked
up and I stared over at the speaker, not even trying to camouflage my eavesdropping.
James laughed and shook his head, but then he saw me on the stairs watching. "Nothing, guys,
she's just a friend and I offered to give her a ride."
"I'd offer to give her a ride anytime," another moron spoke up. I glared at him as James
smacked the back of his head.
"Don't be an idiot," he said sternly.
James shot me an apologetic look and I just shrugged. I knew as well as anyone what guys say
to other guys and how most of it is just macho bullshit. I took the last sip of my drink and
headed inside, now that I knew Bella was there, it was like I could feel her.
She was standing in a small circle of people but she was watching the front door. I wondered
if she was waiting for me. Did she even know I was coming? Maybe she was waiting for
someone else. I walked up behind her and whispered in her ear.
"Waiting for someone?"
She jumped and then turned around. All thoughts of her wanting someone else fled my brain
as she thoroughly eye-fucked me. I couldn't help but smirk as she took her time running over
my body with her gaze. Something I would never admit was that I had Jane come over and
help me pick out a shirt. I knew my secret was safe because she had threatened me with death
if I told anyone that she was fashion savvy.
"Can we talk?" I asked; I was hopeful things would go well tonight but I was still nervous.
"Sure," she replied.
"Let me just grab a drink." My mouth was already dry and I knew there was going to be
talking, so I was going to need something.
I walked into the kitchen, only to be accosted by Lauren again. She ran her fingers over my
chest and quickly grabbed my cup from me and smiled. It was all I could do to keep from
shuddering but I could tell she had already had a few, and chalked up her bold move up to the
alcohol. I didn't like her but I wasn't out to embarrass her, so I just let it go.
"Here, let me make you something. One little drink isn't going to hurt," she said, smiling. I
didn't know what her problem was but maybe something to take the edge off the conversation
I was about to have with Bella wasn't such a bad idea.
I raked my hands through my hair as Lauren took her sweet time making my drink. When she
brought it back, I took a sip right away and was surprised that she really hadn't made it that
strong.
"Thanks," I said quietly.
"No problem," she said, still with a dizzy smile on her face. "So, are you having fun?"
I hadn't yet but I was still hoping to so I answered, "Yeah."
I was about to turn away when Lauren spoke again, "Edward, can I ask you something?"
I looked over to Bella and then back to Lauren, I really wanted to get to Bella but I wasn't
good in social situations like this. I had no idea how to extract myself from a conversation
without being rude. So I sighed and told Lauren to go ahead.
I mostly tuned her out as she asked my opinion on mundane things. I kept glancing over to
Bella but suddenly she was gone. I wanted to go find her but my head was feeling kind of
hazy. I took another drink from my cup, trying to clear my head.
I looked over at Lauren and she appeared expectant. I raised my eyebrows, as I had no idea
what she said.
"I said you don't look well, do you want to go lie down for a bit?"
"No," I said, determined to find Bella. But as I took a step, I lost my balance and stumbled.
"Here, let me help you," she said but her voice sounded so far away.
I blinked and found myself lying in a bed. I couldn't remember how I had gotten there but the
sight of Lauren closing the door told me. She turned to me, and suddenly, she looked a lot
more predatory and a lot less dumb.
"Don't worry, Edward. You'll like it," she purred.
"No," I said and tried to sit up, but my head spun and I collapsed back down to the bed.
I felt fear and panic, never in my life had I been so scared. This feeling was awful and I was
powerless to do anything about it. I felt a tear roll out of my eye as Lauren started to disrobe.
When she was down to nothing but a tiny white lace g-string, she joined me on the bed. I
couldn't move; my arms and legs felt heavy and even blinking felt like an impossible task.
"Don't worry, baby. I give great head," she laughed. The sick fucking bitch laughed. She had
drugged me and she was going to rape me, and she fucking laughed.
I felt the bile rise in my throat as she unzipped my pants. She didn't do it softly, like a lover; it
was more just means to get what she wanted. She tried to tug the pants down but I seemed to
be too heavy for her to do it easily, so she just left them halfway down my ass, along with my
underwear.
"Oh, Eddie, you are a big boy," she giggled as she took my dick in her hand. I couldn't stop a
sob from escaping as my dick hardened. Why would it respond to her? I felt dirty already and
she hadn't even really done anything.
I closed my eyes to drown out the picture in front of me, but when I opened my eyes, I
realized I had blacked out for a while because Lauren was now standing up in front of me,
removing her panties. When she saw I was awake, she shot me a wink.
A timid knock came on the door and Lauren looked over and glared.
"Room's taken," she shouted. I wanted to cry out, to call for help, but whatever she had
slipped me was doing its job. I couldn't move.
"Lauren? It's Bella, I was just looking for Edward," she spoke timidly.
"He's not here, Bella, and I'm kind of busy. I'll help you find him later," Lauren answered
back, her usually flippant self.
There was no more from the other side of the door so Lauren put her focus back on me. She
walked over to the bed and crawled up my body, raking her fake nails up my shirt and on my
chest. The sobbing started again and Lauren rolled her eyes.
"Oh, stop it, Edward, you're a guy, and guys like sex."
Then the door opened. Bella had her fingers over her eyes but she was peeking through them,
afraid of what she'd see. I felt even more exposed as Lauren grabbed my dick again and
turned to smile at Bella.
"Sorry, Bella, but he made his choice. So if you'll excuse us." She kept my face hidden so I
couldn't see Bella's reaction.
"Edward, is this true?" She sounded so lost, so broken.
I tried to answer but only a sob escaped again. My eyes closed and the blackness took me.
Chapter 10
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The monitor had gone from being annoying to relaxing, and back to annoying. I may have
lied when I brought Edward in and told them I was his fiancé, slipping my class ring over to
my left hand. I knew I could get in all sorts of problems if they found out, but Edward didn't
really have any family in town and him being alone was just wrong.
They had told me he was going to wake up very shortly. The effect of the drugs could take
anywhere from twelve to twenty-four hours to wear off. I had been holding his hand ever
since they let me back in the room after they had done the tests needed. They explained what
they were doing but I was still in hysterics and I only heard blood test.
When I had calmed down, the doctor had come back in and told me they found traces of
Lorazepam in his system, a commonly used date rape drug. That had started a new round of
hysterics because beyond the trauma of the evening was a massive guilt that was crushing me,
making me wonder if this was fate's payback for my actions.
I knew Lauren was lying to me when I asked her if she had seen Edward. I had watched them
go up the stairs and when I had finally found my nerve, I followed. There were three
bedrooms on the second floor and one had James and another guy smoking some weed in it,
and the other was empty. So I knew Edward was in the room with her, and willing it different
would not make it so.
I don't know what possessed me to open the door. It was as if my eyes needed to see, so that I
could have closure. When I saw her straddled on top of him, holding his penis, I froze.
"Sorry, Bella, but he made his choice. So if you'll excuse us."
I wanted to run but all I could do was ask, "Edward, is this true?"
The sound that came from Edward then would stay with me forever. It was a sob that could
only be produced by someone who was completely helpless.
I found my nerve.
I took two steps towards the bed and hissed at Lauren, "Get off him."
She changed her angle so I couldn't see Edward's face, and she glared at me. "Piss off, Bella,
we're just having a bit of fun in here."
I took another step that put me at the side of the bed. Edward looked up at me with wide eyes
and then he closed them, a tear rolling down the side down his cheek. I grabbed a handful of
Lauren's hair and pulled her off the bed.
"What the fuck, Bella?"
"You're sick," I yelled at her. "Get the fuck away from him."
Lauren huffed at me, standing up and pulling on her clothes. "Whatever, looks like he's
passed out anyway. I guess he had too much to drink."
I came at her again but she was fast, and out the door. I looked back at Edward and sat down
on the bed.
"Edward?" I shook him softly. "Edward?"
I placed my head on his chest and listened for a heartbeat. I felt his chest rise and lower but
my sobbing had my head bouncing wildly up and down. I sat up and placed my hand over his
heart; the thud-thud of the organ in his chest sped up wildly and then slowed down. Now, I
was terrified.
Noticing that Edward was still hanging out of his pants, I tried to pull them up. It was difficult
with his dead weight lying on the waist of the pants but I managed. Then I ran out into the
hall and over to the first room.
"James," I cried when I opened the door. He looked up and concern came over his face.
"Bella, what is it?" he asked, jumping up from beside his friend.
"Please," was all I could say before leading him back down the hall to Edward.
James had helped me get Edward to the hospital by carrying him down to the car. Because he
was still pretty stoned, he let me drive. He sat with me until they had finished the tests and let
me back in, and then headed home.
I drifted off to sleep about two in the morning, and when I awoke, it was still dark. I looked
up to see a pair of green eyes staring back at me.
"Edward," I wept, flinging myself off the chair and toward the bed. He flinched and I stopped.
"Sorry, I'm just so glad you are awake."
"Go away," he said quietly, but his voice was hard.
"What?" My reply came out like a breath.
"Go away," he said louder. "This is not some fucking fantasy, Bella, and you don't get to
come here and feed off my pain like some damn emotional vampire."
"I'm not," I denied vehemently. "Oh God, Edward, I'm so sorry."
"I said go!"
I wanted to argue with him, to deny that I was here for anything other than him, but the look
in his eyes scared me. He looked empty, like someone had reached in and blew out the life
inside of him.
"Please, just..."
"Now, Bella. Go!"
I turned and left the room, holding onto my tears until I reached the waiting room. I collapsed
in the chair and the ugly cry began. One of those cries where you have snot running down
your face and your chest hurts from the contractions. I had never cried so hard in my life.
Why had I ever wanted that? Seeing Edward in the hospital was a wakeup call. I had only
ever seen tragedy from the distance of time, people who had taken their situations and become
stronger. Seeing Edward in that hospital bed made me wonder how anyone could piece
together anything after being so broken.
I knew the tragedy was terrible but only seeing it up close had made me realize the full
ramifications of what I had wanted. I stood up and lurched towards the garbage can, leaving
what little I had left of my supper in the black bin. My knees shook from underneath me and I
barely registered someone asking me if I was alright before my eyes rolled back and things
went black.
When I woke up, it was to the same damned beeping noise I had been listening to the last few
hours. It took me a minute to realize I wasn't in the chair I had been resting on in Edward's
room. My eyes flickered open and I felt the bed beneath me. Everything came back to me but
I felt numb to it. I was a spectator of my memories.
"Bella?" the familiar voice asked.
"Mom?" I responded, looking around for her, but my eyes were sluggish.
"Yeah, baby, it's me. You gave us quite a scare," she said. "You had a panic attack and
fainted; bumped your head on the chair in the waiting room. What happened, Bella?"
"Edward...he was-attacked."
Dad cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable as he stepped up beside my mom. He was in
his uniform, and from his face, I could tell he knew.
"Yes, Bells, I was called down here to take statements. The hospital called the police; they
have to when there is a case like this. I've talked to Edward but he can't remember anything.
I'm going to need you to tell me everything that happened."
My eyes felt heavy and they started to close.
"Later, Charlie," my mom spoke. "The doctors have her sedated but she needs some time to
settle."
My dad started talking but I didn't hear what he said as unconsciousness consumed me.
EPOV
Every time I closed my eyes, I expected an image of my night to illuminate in my brain, but
there was nothing. The doctors told me I had been brought in under the suspicion that I had
been drugged. They then alluded to the fact that I had been sexually abused.
Bella had been sitting in the chair at the end of my bed asleep while they explained this to me.
I looked over at her, sleeping so peacefully. I hated her at that moment. She had everything,
and she was willing to risk it all for this feeling. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of
me. So when she opened her eyes, I lost it and told her to leave, saying harsh and hurtful
things, giving her a taste of what it felt like. After all, she wanted it.
When my head cleared, I realized Bella may be the only one who could tell me what really
happened. The last thing I remember was talking to Lauren at the party, trying to get back to
Bella. I didn't even know who had drugged me.
Chief Swan came in to speak to me along with another officer, they both looked
uncomfortable, not as bad as I felt, but it was still there.
"Edward," the Chief said. "We're going to need to ask you some questions, is that all right?"
"Sure," I replied, knowing I would have to answer sooner or later.
"Can you tell us what you remember last night?"
"Nothing, really, I remember being at the party and then talking to Lauren, but nothing
specific," I answered.
"The nurse said they found traces of Lorazepam in your system, do you know who gave them
to you?"
"No, sir." I concentrated on my breathing, trying to stay composed for the officers. I wanted
this to be over as quick as possible.
"You say you remember talking to a girl named Lauren, do you have her last name?" I gave it
to him. "And do you remember letting your drink out of your sight at all?"
"I remember going to refill my drink and then running into Lauren in the kitchen."
"Did you refill your drink or did she?"
I thought about it, trying to picture the event in my mind, I came up blank. "I don't
remember."
"How about this, do you remember what she was wearing?"
"Um, a strapless top, I think," I said, squinting my eyes as if that would bring it forward in my
mind.
"Do you know the color?"
"It could have been blue or green, I'm not sure."
"You don't remember?" he asked.
"I'm colorblind, I couldn't tell you. But I remember it being blue or green." I smiled at being
able to remember something about that night, even if it had nothing to do with the case.
"And you don't recall anything that happened after you talked to Lauren?"
"No sir."
"Do you remember what you talked about?"
"No sir."
Chief Swan shifted and I knew things were about to get worse. He asked how I got out of
there; who had brought me to the hospital. I couldn't remember that but I knew Bella was here
when I woke up so I told him.
"Okay, Edward. Memory loss is a common side effect of the drug, and with the tests that were
done, we found that there was minimal liquor in your system. If you remember anything else,
please let us know."
After being awake a few hours, I was visited again. This time it was a small, meek little
woman with red hair and small eyes.
"Mr. Cullen?" she asked, looking at her notebook.
"Yeah," I answered.
"I'm Vicki from victim's services. I'm here if you would like to talk about your experiences."
I sighed, I was tired and irritable and I just wanted to be left alone. "Look, Vicki, I appreciate
it. But I don't remember anything, so I can't really talk about it."
"Well, we have a large staff, and if you ever need to talk to anyone, we can set up a meeting."
She handed me her card and left the room quickly. I had a feeling Vicki had no idea what to
do with a male sexual assault victim.
Not long after, I was cleared to go home. One of the nurses came in, giving me what I was
now referring to as a pity smile.
"Your girlfriend stopped by and left you this," she said, giving me the keys to my car.
"Thanks," I muttered, not bothering to correct her.
While I was grateful Bella had retrieved my car for me, I wasn't about to forgive her. I felt
betrayed by her feelings, her desire for something so vile. I didn't know how I could trust her.
Just because your mind can't remember something, doesn't mean your soul doesn't. Every
bump on the wall or giggle in the hall of my dorm had me waking up in a sweat. My dreams
would be fuzzy interpretations of what I thought might have happened.
The police had been hounding me, wanting me to press charges. It was through them I learned
that it was Lauren who had allegedly drugged me and sexually assaulted me. But I still didn't
have the details.
I quit my job at Stories. I couldn't go back there and face Lauren, or Bella, for that matter. I
smoked up more and more. I avoided my friends. I was like a fucking after school special
waiting to happen.
After about a week, Jane had bullied her way into coming over. Part of me was glad but I was
also petrified. I couldn't squelch my fear of being alone with another person, no matter how
irrational it was. Her knock on the door made me jump and I chided myself for being such a
pussy.
I flung open the door and my heart started racing. Bella was standing there with wide, sad
eyes.
"What are you...?"
"I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now, or ever, but I wanted to give you
this." She held out an envelope and I just stared at it.
"What is it?"
"It's what happened," she said softly, not needing to elaborate any more. I took it from her and
she turned to walk away. I panicked, not wanting to be left alone with the information.
"Stay?" I hated how desperate my voice sounded, but I saw no happiness or hope in Bella's
face, just acceptance at what I asked.
She padded into my room and sat down on my roommate's bed. I sat opposite from her on my
own bed, causing our inside legs to touch. She didn't say anything as I opened the letter. I read
her words carefully, letting out a small gasp when I read how Bella had found us.
She reached over and placed her hand on my knee. The small action calmed me momentarily.
When I finished the letter, I lost track of my breathing and I realized I was sobbing.
"Fuck, I'm going to be sick," I blurted as I stood and ran to the door. I knew I wasn't going to
make it to the bathroom so I vomited into the trash can.
Bella stood and walked to the door. I looked up at her helplessly.
"I'll be right back," she promised.
When she returned, she had a cold cloth that she had wetted. She held it against my face,
dabbing away my tears. With her kindness, I again experienced anger.
"Is this what you wanted?" I asked weakly, my anger not enough to light a real fire in me.
"No, I never wanted anything to happen to you," she replied.
"No," I spat, "you wanted it to happen to you."
"I was wrong," she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. "So very wrong."
Another knock came at the door and Bella looked at me quizzically. I muttered Jane's name
and Bella nodded, standing up to let her in. Jane stepped in, took one look at Bella and then
one look at me, and turned cold.
"I think it's time for you to go, cheerleader," she stated.
Bella looked back at me, I could feel it but I didn't lift my head to meet her gaze. I was out of
energy; all I wanted to do was sleep for days.
I finally looked up when I heard the door close. Bella had left and Jane looked worried. She
glanced at my feet and spied the letter sitting there. I had no recollection if Bella had brought
it or I had when I threw up, but I felt anger at it laying there.
Jane picked up the letter and I didn't have it in me to stop her. I didn't want her to read those
words but I felt helpless, I wondered if I always would now. Jane's face morphed from
concern to anger as her eyes wandered over the letter. When she finished, she looked down at
me with fire in her eyes.
"Please don't," I said.
"But Edward, we can't just..."
"Just leave me alone," I said, my voice wavering. "I...can't right now." She looked at me and
then sighed.
"Okay, just promise you'll call if you need anything. I may not be a lawyer yet, but I know
lots of good ones."
I nodded and was grateful she left it at that. Once I was all alone again, I felt a little bit of my
peace return to me. The letter had been returned to my feet; again I hadn't noticed it being put
there. I picked it up and carried it to my bed where I promptly laid down and curled into a
ball.
I held the letter in front of my face and read it again. And again. And again. Now that I had all
the information in front of me, I thought I'd remember it. But it was like reading fiction,
nothing clicked. It was worse that way. I knew the actions but I didn't know my own
reactions, it was surreal.
Bella had written that I was erect when she found me; I worried that meant I had enjoyed it.
But then she said I was sobbing, and so maybe I hadn't. I tried to picture Lauren's hands on
me and the thought was nauseating, but not a memory.
With all that I had been through in my life, this was by far the worst. In every other situation,
I had been able to fight back. Lauren took that away from me. I knew there was one thing I
could do, I could press charges, but the thought of that was distasteful to me. I just wanted it
to be over without hearing again and again what she had done to me.
I called the police in the morning. I told them I was going to do it, that I wanted to press
charges. I went down to the station and gave my statement again. When all was said and done,
they told me there wasn't enough proof. I couldn't remember, and unless someone saw Lauren
slip me the drugs, it was hard to prove it had been her. Even Bella's account of how she found
us wasn't enough. Lauren claimed she just thought I was drunk and had seemed willing. It was
a case of he said, she said. They told me I could try but they didn't think any charges would
stick in court.
I wish I hadn't even bothered.
Chapter 11
BPOV
Some things are inherently beautiful, like roses and beaches, while others have to try to stand
out. Some things try so hard to be noticeable that they lose any beauty they had in them to
begin with.
I raised my camera and looked through the viewfinder. The world always looked better
through that one inch window. When I looked with my eyes, the surroundings were too
infinite, through the viewfinder, it was easy to find the simple beauty and capture it. As I
scanned, looking for something worthy to click on, I found a single, small purple flower
growing near a tree. I lowered my camera and walked over to it, sitting down on the hard
ground next to it.
I put the tiny flower in my sights again and clicked the picture. I looked at the image on the
screen and deleted it. Reaching in my backpack, I pulled out my macro lens, attaching it to
my camera before clicking the purple flora again. This time the picture that shone at me from
my camera was crisp and clear. You could see the lines on the petals and the dirt clinging to
the stem. Wasn't that just a testament to my life? Some things are just prettier from farther
away. Guess that was me.
I kept that picture and walked around the park some more, snapping shots of everything pretty
I could find. I was sick of the ugly in my life.
I felt the presence behind me, but I didn't bother turning. I kept my lens angled high to catch
the sunlight beaming through the leaves of the tree above me. I just needed one more minute
of peace before it was gone again.
"Bella?" Alice's voice was soft and she put her hand on my shoulder.
Jasper had told Alice everything. I think I knew deep down it would happen but I didn't
expect the sad pity eyes constantly from the two of them. They looked at me like I had a
disease, and who knows, maybe I did.
I turned slowly after I had gotten my picture, to look into said sad pity eyes. "We should go.
You have to be at work in fifteen minutes."
"Yeah, okay," I sighed and shoved my camera in my bag.
It was my first day back at work since the incident. I had taken a week off and it had helped.
Not that I wasn't still a mess. Anytime I even thought the word Edward, I would break out in
sobs. I walked around with my arms around my body as if I could hold myself together.
When I went and saw him, he looked so broken, so lost, and all I wanted to do was help him. I
didn't know if my letter did more harm than good because Jane shooed me out the door. To be
honest, I was grateful for the escape; I had no idea how to handle the situation and was
worried that my mere presence would make it worse.
"We're here," Jasper said as we pulled up outside ‘Stories'. I hadn't remembered getting in the
car or driving from the park. It had happened to me a few times in the past week, I would
retreat inwards.
"Thanks," I said.
I walked in the door and was greeted by an unexpected sight. I guess I figured the villain
disappears after they shatter your world, but there was Lauren, in her bright pink lipstick,
laughing with Jessica.
"Hey Bella," Lauren called out. "Too bad about Edward, but what girl wants a cheater,
anyway?"
I flew at her, wanting to claw out her eyes and pull out her hair, but I was pulled back by two
strong arms.
"No," I wailed as I fought my captor.
"Bella, Bella, stop."
"I can't....don't you know what she did?" I cried.
"Yes, Bella, I was there. Come on," James said. I recognized his voice now. I went near limp
in his arms as he helped me to the break room.
"How can she be here? How, I don't understand?" Tears flowed down my cheeks.
"I don't know," he answered simply.
I knew from my dad that charges weren't pressed. The ‘he said' was always much harder to
get to stick than the ‘she said'. But still, I didn't expect Lauren to act the same way she always
had. To be at work smiling and laughing like she hadn't just destroyed a person. How could I
possibly work with her, knowing what she had done? And with her lack of remorse, I
wondered just how many she had done this to.
James escorted me to the manager's office. I told him about what had happened, and while he
seemed somewhat sympathetic, he couldn't do anything. Edward had quit without filing a
complaint and she hadn't been charged with anything official, so his hands were tied. But
mine weren't, so I quit.
The job I had loved so much had been sullied by an evil blonde with half a brain.
I collected my things from my locker, sighing loudly as I closed the door for the last time.
"I'm going to miss you around here," James said softly.
"Yeah, me too," I replied.
I gave him a quick hug and then left. I headed towards the front of the store, knowing I'd have
to go by the tills again. I hoped she would be busy or just ignore me but I wasn't so lucky.
"It was good, like candy good," Lauren prattled loudly to Jessica before catching glimpse of
me. "Hey, Bella, doesn't Edward's cock taste like candy?"
I looked behind me to see James standing there; he shrugged at me and nodded. I walked up
to the front of the till and looked her straight in the eyes.
"You are pathetic. You can't even get a guy to sleep with you, you have to drug him. There is
a special place in hell for people like you. Fuck you!" I turned to leave, but then swung
around and planted my fist firmly on her nose.
I listened to her wailing as I made my way out the door. James smiled and winked at me but I
couldn't return the gesture as my hand was throbbing like mad. I walked for about three
blocks before I sat down and cried. I cried for Edward, for me, for my pulsating hand.
I grabbed my cell phone out of my purse with my good hand and awkwardly punched at the
buttons. A breathy voice answered the phone.
"Alice?" I asked.
"Yeah?" she said, still sounding out of breath.
"Can you and Jasper come back and get me?"
"Uhm," she started and I heard an ‘unf' in the background.
"Eww, are you having sex with my brother while you talk to me on the phone?"
"No, no of course not," she said rather unconvincingly. "Hey, wait, why aren't you at work?"
"I quit. Listen, don't worry about it. Go back to doing whatever you were doing and I'll call
Emmett."
"Are you sure?" she asked and then let out a breathy giggle.
"I'm positive. I don't want anywhere near either of you right now."
I hung up the phone and stared at my hand some more. It was already turning purple on the
knuckles and I wondered if I had broken anything. I was about to call Emmett when I heard a
horn blare at me. I looked up and was surprised to see Jane's face sticking out of the passenger
side of a car.
"Shit, cheerleader. You are a mess. What the fuck happened to your hand, did you fall down
again?"
"No, I punched a skank in the face," I bit back, not in the mood to play niceties.
"Bad-ass," she spoke with respect. "Get in."
I hesitated for a moment before getting in the car. I slid behind Jane and buckled myself in.
She spun in her chair and looked at me.
"So what the fuck happened?" she asked. I shot a look to the driver, not wanting to reveal my
story in front of a stranger. Jane rolled her eyes before explaining. "This is Eleazar, he's
practically mute but he has a tongue like a snake." Then she started laughing as I sat there
stunned. "Wow, nothing? Okay, well what I mean is you can trust him, he won't say anything.
So tell me all about punching the skank."
I really wanted to ask her who he was. I had never heard Edward or Jane refer to him before
but she spoke as if she knew him intimately.
"She is acting like nothing happened. She pretended that Edward was just drunk. The manager
wouldn't fire her, so I quit," I explained. "Look, can you take me to a hospital? I'm pretty sure
I broke my hand."
Jane glanced down at my hand and then shot a look to Eleazar before turning around in her
seat. I sat quietly in the back for a few moments before Jane turned around again. She handed
me a card.
"What's this?" I asked.
"You don't have to talk about it; I don't want to tell my shit to people either. But this woman,
she's the best." I looked down at the card, and seeing it was for a psychiatrist, I started to
panic. I looked up at Jane, petrified that she knew my secret. "Cause, you know, walking into
a situation like that, watching your friend attacked. You might want to talk to someone about
it."
The way she said it, cocking her head to the side and raising an eyebrow, I could tell she knew
my secret, but she was telling me it was safe. I gave her a small smile and she turned back
around again. I finally understood why she was Edward's best friend.
EPOV
Job hunting in the middle of the summer was shit. I needed to start making money again, fast,
or the next year was going to be tight on my already small budget. Most of the good jobs were
taken at the beginning of summer, but I was lucky to find a couple options to check out in the
want ads.
I detested the idea of working in a restaurant or bar, the noise and the amount of interaction
required turned me off completely, but it was good money, so I gave it a try. The first place
laughed at me, literally.
The lady walked up to greet me, all teeth and bleached hair. She extended her hand and in a
quick motion and I flinched back from her. She shook her head.
"Edward, is it?" She laughed as I nodded, still sunk back in my chair. "I don't think this is the
right fit for you, honey. The girls around here get pretty grabby when they've been drinking,
and with that reaction, you won't last two minutes."
I spent the next twenty minutes in my car hyperventilating.
I steered clear from the more social jobs after that. It's not like I ever really enjoyed social
interaction anyway. Needless to say, that weeded out my other two well paying job choices.
That night, I had a nightmare. One of those kinds when you don't really know what happened
but you can kind of guess. I was almost positive it was a flashback of what had happened to
me. I woke up in a sweat, my legs were quaking, and when I went to wipe the hair from my
brow, I realized I had been crying. I looked over at my roommate's bed and was grateful he
wasn't asleep in it.
I tried to reach into my brain and catch the dream, but the more I concentrated on it, the
farther away it flew, until there was nothing left but a feeling. I felt raw and scared, I fucking
hated it. I crawled out of my bed and headed to the desk. Opening it up, I pulled out my
plastic bag, groaning because I remembered I had already smoked the last of it.
"Shit! Shit! Shit!" I cursed, spinning around and kicking the wall.
"Hey. Shut the fuck up over there," a voice called through the wall.
I was about to shout an angry ‘fuck you' back but I froze up. I no longer felt that sense of
invincibility I had before. I never even knew it was there until it was gone. I could be harmed.
I was harmed.
I was a victim.
I picked up my bong and lobbed it across the room; it smashed against the closet door and fell
in a million little pieces to the floor. I looked at my bong on the floor longingly.
Now, how the fuck am I going to get high?
I collapsed to the ground, my exhaustion overcoming me as the tears flooded out. I cried for
what had happened to me, I cried because, somewhere inside, I missed Bella, and was
terrified she was out somewhere seeking this, and I cried because I didn't have a job, and there
was no way I could afford a new bong.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
"Okay, enough." The voice was loud and demanding, that could only mean one thing.
"Go away, Jane," I said, picking my head up off the floor.
"For fuck's sake, Edward. What the hell happened?"
I looked up at her and shrugged. I knew I probably looked like hell, and I was lying on the
floor in a spray of broken glass, but I wasn't in the mood.
"I had a party, got a little out of hand," I snarked.
"Shit," she said, sitting on her knees next to me. "You have glass in your face. Come here."
She helped me off the floor and sat me down on the edge of the bed before grabbing my
shaving kit off the dresser. She rifled through it, finding what she was looking for, and headed
back to the bed with a pair of tweezers in her hand.
"You need to see someone about this," she said, pulling a tiny shard from my cheek.
"It's just a couple pieces of glass, no biggie."
"Not about the glass, Edward." I nodded slightly. "Don't move."
Jane was right; I did need to see someone, I just had no fucking clue how to go about it. She
left it alone after that, quietly pulling the glass from my face. When she finished, she gave me
a small smile.
"I came to see if you wanted to go get breakfast, not to star in your naughty nurse fantasies." I
laughed.
We headed down to Nessie's. It was a little breakfast place just off campus that had rotten
fruit and bad coffee, but the best waffles you've ever tasted. The tiny restaurant was filled
with tiny tables and wooden chairs but it was well kept.
I cut into my waffle and was about to place the bite in my mouth when Jane spoke, "I saw
Bella the other day." I paused a moment, knowing she was looking for a reaction. I shoved the
food into my mouth and started chewing. "She quit Stories."
My eyebrows raised and Jane made a small ‘gotcha' face, so I played along. "Oh yeah, and
how did you find that out?"
"I gave her a ride-to the hospital." The smirk on her face actually threw her game off; I knew
she wouldn't be smiling if Bella was seriously hurt. At least, I was pretty sure she wouldn't be.
"And on this ride, she told you she quit?"
"Yup." I took another bite of waffle. "Don't you want to know why she quit?"
"Okay, enough of the games, Jane. Just spit it out."
"She broke her hand, so she had to quit," Jane said as if that explained all.
"She had to quit cause she broke her hand?" I reiterated.
"On Lauren's nose."
The food that was supposed to be travelling nicely down my throat decided at that moment to
get lodged in my windpipe. I coughed and sputtered as Jane shoved a glass of orange juice in
my face. I gulped down half of it before I realized my body was still in panic mode and it had
nothing to do with choking. Would Lauren retaliate against Bella? If she had no problem
drugging someone, what else was she capable of? No, my panic had nothing to do with my
lack of being able to breathe and everything to do with Bella's safety.
Jane felt honestly bad as she walked me back to my dorm. I knew this because she apologized
seven times. That had to be seven more times than I'd ever heard from her. She thought I
would have been happy Bella punched out my attacker, and while I really wanted to be, my
main emotion over the last little while had been fear and this news just fed it.
I sat alone in my dorm, Jane had taken her cue to leave me be. I went to my desk and looked
until I found the manual I had been given when I started classes. It detailed my benefits while
I was a student. Flipping through the index, I read through the options twice. I had no idea
what counseling would fall under. I cussed and read through it again until I found what I was
looking for.
There was a number to call. Each digit burned my eyes as I stared at it. I put the book down,
pacing the room, I thought about everything that had happened. It still felt unreal to me, but
yet, I felt the fear behind it. The aspect of the unknown felt worse than remembering. I picked
up the book and stared at the number. I left the room, walking down the hall. I turned into the
bathroom and stood in front of the urinal, taking a piss. When I came back to the room, I
picked up the book and I fucking stared at it.
I looked at the clock, picked up the phone and dialed.
Having the appointment was a healing step in itself. When I woke up the next morning, I felt
refreshed for the first time in days. I took a shower and headed down to the job board in the
common area. When I saw it, I grabbed the whole flyer off the wall. This fucker was mine.
I arrived at the bakery with fifteen minutes to spare. I had really wanted to smoke up before I
went but I didn't have the weed or the bong. Besides, I probably wouldn't get the job if I came
in smelling like a Kings of Leon concert.
I took a deep breath and walked in through the door. Twenty-five minutes later, I walked out
as the new nightshift baker. It seemed pretty simple: I just had to shove the dough in the oven
and take it out. Mostly it was bread, but there were some other pastries as well. The graveyard
shift made it good money, and the fact that I got to work alone was a huge plus. Having one
small thing in my life sorted again brought a feeling of control back.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
"Edward?"
"Yeah," I said, standing up and following the woman into her office.
The school's personal shrink was not what I expected, she was young and hot. Gianna
Pendleton stood about five foot eight, with long black hair and exotic looking eyes. If I had to
guess, I would have said she was Italian, with her olive skin and striking looks. All of that
would have been good news for any other twenty-one year old college student, but she made
me nervous. She was sleek and looked predatory, and she was in a position where she could
easily take advantage of me.
"Have a seat," she said, smiling.
I sat down on the worn brown leather couch. I tucked the heels of my hands into my hoodie
sleeves and fingered the fraying on the cuffs. She sat across from me, not saying anything. It
fucking pissed me off, wasn't it her job to ask questions?
"So, what can I do for you, Edward?" Her voice was laced with false sincerity, as if she had
been told using a first name would make her familiar. All it did was remind me that she was a
stranger. And a woman.
"I was attacked a couple weeks ago," I said, my hands moving up my face and then tugging
on my hair.
"You got in a fight?" she clarified.
"No, I was assaulted." I punctuated the word with my eyes, hoping that she wouldn't make me
say it.
She raised her eyes in disbelief, looking me over. "So then, some girl got grabby with you and
you turned her down?" Her tone was starting to piss me off.
"No. I was fucking drugged and almost raped," I spat.
Her eyes widened and she looked down to the notebook in her lap, she started scribbling
fiercely. When she looked up, she seemed almost smug. "Do you remember who the assailant
was, did they catch him?"
"It was a ‘her' and the cops said there wasn't enough evidence. She's claiming she just thought
I was drunk."
"And how does that make you feel? Being taken advantage of by a girl?" Her lips curled up at
the end of her question.
"Are you fucking kidding me? This is horseshit. I'm out of here."
"Edward," she called after me as I stormed out of the office. Wanting to punch something, I
ran towards the dorms. By the time I got to my room, I was shaking with rage. Where the fuck
did they find that hack?
I grabbed my phone and dialed Jane.
"Jane here," she answered.
"Hey, it's me," I said, my voice sounding ragged.
"Edward. What's up?"
"I need to talk to you." She told me she would be over in fifteen minutes and I hung up and
sat on the bed. I stared at the door, waiting for her knock, breathing a sigh when it came.
"What's wrong?" she said, storming in when I opened the door.
I told her about the psychiatrist, detailing our very short first session. I also explained to her
without other benefits, Gianna Pendleton was my only option.
"I thought it would help, talking to someone. But all I could see was judgment in her eyes.
That I was somehow less of a man for it."
"Bitch!" Jane hissed. "If you had of been a woman and she treated you like that, she'd be fired
immediately." She looked up at me with determination. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know," I replied.
Jane sat quiet for just another moment. "Make another appointment," she stated.
"What? No."
"Do it, Edward."
And with that, she left me alone and really fucking confused.
Chapter 12
BPOV
My hand hurt like a son of a bitch. I thought I had long grown out of my clumsy, awkward
phase, but it was like having a new limb, walking around with a cast on my arm. I used that
hand for everything, and apparently I did not do so gently.
"Mother fuck!" I shouted as I caught my plaster-covered appendage on the door frame of the
kitchen.
The truth was I was mad at everything, and I was stomping around like a petulant teenager,
flailing my arm into everything that came in its vicinity. I was angry at myself for feeling the
way I did, for wanting what I wanted. Part of me regretted telling Edward even though I knew
that it was important that I did. I was furious at Edward for rejecting me. I understood it but I
felt judged and betrayed. That he thought for one moment I would have gotten pleasure out of
his pain was like a knife in the heart.
I grabbed the loaf of bread off the counter and pulled out two slices. I tried to hold a knife
between my casted fingers to butter my bread but I couldn't get a grip. I moved the knife to
my other hand but I was by no means ambidextrous. The simple act of making a sandwich
was hard, and the stupid cast was a reminder of Lauren and what she did, but also of what I'd
lost.
I slammed my hand down on the counter in frustration, my eyes widening in pain as I cried
out. Tears flew out of my eyes and I found myself sitting on the floor with my head on my
knees. I felt a pair of arms come around me and I snuggled into my brother's side.
"Jasper," I sobbed. "I can't make a sandwich."
"I'll make you one," he said helplessly.
He stood up, helping me off the floor and onto a chair. I sat silently as I watched him
assemble the simple meal. When he placed it in front of me, he sat down and sighed.
"Bella, this is too much for me. You need to talk to someone."
I picked up my sandwich and whispered, "I know."
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
I stared at the card for so long I knew the exact spelling of the therapist's weird ass name.
With a name like Zafrina Zedoary, she sounded more like a spice than a therapist. In fact, I'm
pretty sure her last name was a spice. The card was classic and stylish, but with all that
expensive paper and gold lettering, it still couldn't make me pick up the phone.
The bed bounced as Alice jumped up and landed cross legged next to me. She would waffle
between treating me the same as always, to kid gloves for the crazy girl. It seemed that today
she was going to treat me normally. Unfortunately, today I was closer to crazy than normal.
"What are we staring at?" Alice asked, peeking over my shoulder at the card. She let out a
declining whistle. "So, you gonna call?"
"Yup," I said, but made no effort to move.
Alice reached over and grabbed the card out of my hand, followed by the phone, and dialed. I
didn't try to stop her; she was doing me a favor by taking the choice out of my hand and
providing me with some momentum.
"Hi, yes, I'm calling to make an appointment with Dr. Zed-o-arhh-eee? Nope, a new
client...Isabella Swan...Tuesday at one?" She looked over at me and I nodded. "Yes, that
works."
I didn't move at all the whole time she was on the phone. It was easier to just listen to it, like it
was the radio or television, and not associate it with myself. Alice's arm slipped over my
shoulder and she gave me a hug, her tiny arms strongly holding on to me.
"Bella, you're my sister. Just because we don't share blood doesn't mean that we aren't kin. Of
course when I marry Jasper, you'll be my sister for real and that..."
"Alice, you're losing me," I interrupted.
"I just love you B, so get better, okay?"
"I'll try," I promised.
Monday night when I crawled into bed, I just knew I was going to have nightmares. I was too
keyed up and there was no way I could foresee me sleeping well at all. I tossed in my bed,
wishing I had someone there to hold me, needing to feel secure. I thought about Edward,
wondering how he was doing. I wondered if I'd ever see that same calm, cool boy I had
noticed in the Quad the first time. I missed him.
Lying alone in bed made me think about his kisses. Edward always kissed me like it was the
only thing in the world he wanted to do. I never felt like he was just kissing me to get to the
next stage. His lips would always take their time, telling me what kind of mood he was in. If
his tongue darted out to lick my lips, I knew he was playful. If he kissed my nose first, I knew
he was reverent. And if he put his hands in my hair, I knew he was feeling passionate. I
missed those kisses. When I finally closed my eyes that night, I could almost taste his lips on
mine.
My attacker came at me and I started to run. The woods were thick and lush and full of large
roots sticking out of the ground. My feet caught on one instantly and sent me for a tumble. He
was on top of me right away, flipping me over. His dark eyes gleamed with cruelty. He pulled
at my clothes, getting my pants off quickly.
My body reacted as he touched my skin. I whimpered but started to feel the excitement come
over me. I looked back up at him and he had changed. His dark hair had grown long and
blonde, his masculine face replaced by a feminine one.
Lauren.
I struggled hard then, screaming as she laughed. "Don't worry, Bella, you'll like this. Isn't this
what you wanted? Maybe you and Edward can bond over it."
She lowered her face...
I sat up in my bed, panting and sweating. I sat there, shocked for a minute. I wasn't turned on,
in fact, I was sick. I almost smiled but it stopped as I jerked up from the bed and ran for the
bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet in time before I emptied my stomach. This dream had
had an opposite affect than it's predecessors.
Maybe I could be cured.
Suddenly, I wasn't so worried about therapy in the morning. I brushed my teeth, swirling my
mouth out with Scope twice before heading back to bed. I crawled under the covers, and as
soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. I didn't dream again that night.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
Two oversized chairs sat in the waiting room, and I hoped that one of them would swallow
me up. Alice, who had been kind enough to drive me to my appointment when I started
shaking so badly I was unsure if I could operate a vehicle, sat me down in one of said chairs
and walked to the small desk where the receptionist was.
I crossed my legs one way, and then the other, when really what I wanted to do was curl my
feet up on the chair. I supposed that would have been rude, with my shoes and all. Alice
padded back to me when she was done talking to the blonde with the harsh features.
"The doctor will be out to see you in a couple minutes. Do you want me to wait?" she asked.
"No, I'll be okay," I replied. I didn't really feel okay but I wanted the extra few minutes alone
to collect my thoughts.
Alice bent down and nearly crawled into the chair to give me a hug. "I'll be back in an hour,
okay?"
I looked at her and gave her my best smile and said, "Thanks."
I picked up a Newsweek from the table and flipped through it once Alice left. It wasn't a
magazine I would ever read on purpose, but I needed something to distract me. Unfortunately,
it did a bad job at keeping my attention and I found my thoughts drifting. The fantasies would
still come to me but I found myself more torn, my reaction to them less identifiable. It was a
mixture of lust and disgust, this doctor was going to earn her paycheck with me.
"Isabella Swan?"
I looked up, and then looked up some more. The woman had to have been at least six feet and
she was wearing flat shoes. Her graying hair was tucked neatly into a bun and her suit looked
as if she had just pressed it before she came out.
I stood up to greet her and she gave me a warm smile, her teeth a shocking contrast her to
dark skin. I gave her a small smile but found my voice to be absent.
"Come on in," she said.
I followed her into her office expecting to be overwhelmed with authority. However, it wasn't
like that at all. There were small tables filled with fresh Gerber daisies, a huge window let in a
large amount of sunlight, and the couch was mint green. Even the therapists chair was bright
colors, an ivory covered with flowers.
"Have a seat," she offered, and I took a spot on the couch. She sat down in her chair and
picked up a notepad. "So, Isabella, why don't you tell me why you're here?"
"Bella," I corrected. "Call me Bella. And I'm here because I have a problem I need to talk to
someone about."
EPOV
I couldn't believe a week later I was sitting in front of Gianna's office again. I played
nervously with the cuffs on my hoodie, my fingers rubbing back and forth over my tattoo for
comfort. I had nearly backed out, but Jane called me a half hour before my appointment and
threatened bodily harm if I didn't show up. Okay, actually, she threatened to spread a rumor
that I was sporting a tiny, crooked cock. Little fucker even made the joke that it'd match my
smile.
I watched the clock tick past the hour and I figured if she didn't come out in two minutes, it
was fair game for me to leave. My knees bounced up and down as the second hand helped me
plot my escape. I had been so entranced with the time piece that when the office door opened,
it made me jump. My eyes immediately trained on the figure coming out of the door.
"Jane?" I said, confused.
"Have your appointment, crooked E. I'll see you later," she chirped as she walked past me and
out the main door.
"Hello, Edward. Please come in." Gianna's shaky voice brought my attention back to her.
This week was a stark contrast to the week before. She looked weary and her body language
was much less confident. I followed her into her office and looked around. My anger had been
shaken loose at the sight of her metamorphosis.
"Would you like to have a seat?" she asked.
I shrugged, not really wanting to stand for an hour. I plopped down on the sofa, feeling out of
sorts for an entirely different reason this session.
"I've thought about what you said last week, Edward, and I have come to the conclusion that I
am not qualified enough to help you." I huffed, rolling my eyes at what a colossal waste of
time this was. "I think you should see someone else."
"I agree, but unfortunately, my benefits only cover you."
"Well, normally that is true. But I can refer you to a different psychiatrist, and if I do so, then
the benefits will cover it."
"Really?" I asked, perking up.
She walked over to me carefully and stretched out her hand to offer me a card. I looked down
at it and read the name before looking back up at her.
"So, we're done here?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied quickly.
I left the office a little confused over what had just happened, but then I remembered Jane
coming out of the office, and I had a pretty good idea she was behind this.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
If Jane wasn't going to talk about it, neither was I. Her dastardly plan to get me a real
councilor had obviously worked, but since she kept me in the dark about said plan, I wasn't
about to give her credit.
"Would you rather eat a spider or a caterpillar?" I asked.
"Spider, caterpillars are too juicy," Jane responded.
Kate and Garrett shared a look before they both answered together, "Caterpillar."
We were playing a rousing game of ‘would you rather' and ignoring my issues completely.
After the month I'd had, I was all fucking for it.
"Would you rather fuck a dead person or an animal?"
We all turned and looked at Kate. It's always the quiet ones. "What the fuck kind of question
is that?" I laughed.
"What?" she defended, "Both options are supposed to be bad."
"Well I'm going to go with dead person, but only during rigor mortis, cause I'm not sitting on
a limp dick," Jane answered matter-of-factly.
"I'm not fucking answering that question," I bit out before taking a swig of my beer.
"Dead person," Garret responded. "You could bend her whatever way you wanted her. In fact,
you could even go anal if you wanted." He shot Kate a pointed look and she rolled her eyes.
Garrett painted a vivid picture, but instead of picturing me on top, I pictured my body as the
one that was being taken advantage of. Lying there, unable to move as someone bent me and
used me as they saw fit. I had almost been a dead body in the attack. She had taken away my
choice and I had been as helpless as a corpse.
I focused on the ground, breathing deeply to get myself under control. "Animal," I answered
quietly.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
My eyes were glued to the ceiling. I could not force myself to sleep and I had no idea how to
even try. My friends had left shortly after we finished playing the game and I was having a
hard time thinking of anything but the attack.
And whenever I thought about the attack, I thought about Bella.
I stood up, walking over to the window, my eyes washing over the view of campus. A few
people walked aimlessly here and there but it was mostly deserted. I wondered if Bella was
out there, courting trouble again. The thought made me sick. But for the first time, I wasn't
angry, I was just worried. I didn't want anyone to feel the way I did, ever.
I slipped on a pair of pants and threw a shirt on. Grabbing my hoodie and keys, I headed out
of the dorm and into the night. The quietness and still of the dark caused my anxiety to flush,
but I pushed it down; I needed to know she was alright. If only I could see she was safe, I'd be
able to sleep.
When I got in my car, I felt safer. A ton of metal armor around me to protect me from
attackers was enough to soothe some of my worries. I drove quickly to Bella's house. I parked
a couple houses down and across the road. I looked up into her window and saw the light was
out. I had no way of knowing if she was in that room. My heart rate increased, the bloody
organ pounding loud in my chest. I had to know.
I got out of my car, looking around to see if anyone was out. Being past two in the morning, I
didn't expect to see anyone, and I didn't. I crossed the road and walked the distance to the
Swan home quickly. Hiding behind the large tree in their yard, I watched each window for a
sign of life. The house was quiet and not a light was on.
I looked at the tree, wondering if I could climb it. If I could just get to that branch, I would be
able to see into Bella's room. If I knew she was sleeping, then I'd be able to sleep, too. I
jumped up and grabbed a branch. Locking my hands around the bark, I hung there, unable to
pull myself up. I fell to the ground and cursed.
I looked back to the house and noticed a lattice. The white, wooden criss-crosses went up just
high enough for me to get to that first branch. I wound my fingers in the tiny holes and tugged
a little on the frame, testing it for strength. When it didn't budge, I placed my foot on it and
began to climb. I reached the tree easily and made my way into its arms. The climb was easy
from there; the old tree had filled out with many sturdy branches.
When I had reached my intended height, I was surprised at just how big the limbs were up
there. I could sit down quite comfortably on it. I crawled closer to the house, peering into the
window to see if I could see her. When her brown hair came into view, it was like a huge
relief rushed through me. She was sleeping on her side, her back to me, but she looked
peaceful.
I suddenly felt very tired. I looked down and realized it would be an interesting time to get
down. Deciding to stay and rest for a minute, I sat with my back against the tree trunk and
stuck my feet out in front of me along the branch.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, and the next thing I knew, it was morning.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
Sleeping outside your ex-girlfriend's house in a tree a couple weeks after getting sexually
assaulted provides a lot of fodder for a shrink. Zafrina was a professional and handled my
mass of confessions without even one eyebrow lift.
"So this girl, this Bella, the one who you climbed the tree to see if she was all right, why are
you so worried about her?"
"Well, she has these fantasies," I started, my breath shallow, "to be raped."
It was the only time during the whole session I saw a reaction out of Zafrina, but it was gone
before I could really tell what I saw. It looked like recognition more than anything but I didn't
know how that would be possible.
"And are you mad at her for having those feelings?"
"Yes...no. It just makes me sick to think about. How could she want this?"
"Do you feel you can't be friends with Bella because of her fantasies?"
"How can I?" I asked.
"Our time is just about up, Edward, but let me ask you this: if Bella was a drug addict, would
you stop being her friend?"
"No," I responded indignantly.
"Do you think Bella has any control over these fantasies?"
I thought about it and then answered, quieter this time, "No."
"Okay, Edward, I think we had a good start here. If you want to stop on your way out, just
book your next appointment with the receptionist."
I nodded. I was in a daze; I had told her about the attack, I had told her about spying on Bella,
and I expected to feel anxiety, but I felt a little bit of relief. It felt good having someone know,
someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me.
I made my next appointment and headed out to my car. The doctor's words rang in my head.
Bella didn't have any control over her fantasies. She was held hostage by them and sometimes
they were in complete control. Before I knew it, I was parked outside of Bella's house,
looking for any sign that she was there and safe.
There was a knock on my window and I startled. I looked over and saw Jasper standing there.
I rolled down the window.
"Hey man," he said carefully. "Bella's not here."
"Where is she?" I asked, feeling the panic build.
"She's out with dad, running some errands. I can tell her you stopped by..."
"No," I cut him off abruptly. "Just...is she okay?"
"Most days," he said and I could tell he didn't really want to even tell me that much.
Not really knowing what else to do, I thanked Jasper and asked him to watch over Bella. I
knew he'd do it regardless but it made me feel good to say the words.
I drove off, and I while I felt better knowing that Bella was with her dad, I also knew she
wouldn't always be protected. I didn't know if it was because it was easier to focus on her
problem over mine, but I was quickly becoming obsessed with Bella Swan's safety.
Chapter 13
BPOV
If I hadn't already known that I was a little crazy, I would have thought I was losing my mind.
It seemed everywhere I went I would see glimpses of bronze hair or pale skin. And it seemed
as though all of the city was sporting black hoodies in the middle of summer. I felt certifiable.
I chalked all my naught sightings up to the fact that I still had a lot of guilt over what
happened to Edward. Zafrina was starting to help me see it wasn't my fault. I had no control
over what Lauren did to Edward and I was starting to learn I had no control over how I felt
either. But I wanted that, I wanted to have control over those thoughts. I wanted to get better,
and I thought I owed it to Edward to do so.
"Bella, right?" a voice bellowed from above me. I looked up from my book and into the face
of a stranger.
"Yeah?"
"Eleazar," he said, pointing to himself. "I gave you a ride with Jane last week."
"Oh, right." My posture slackened and I realized that I hadn't been excited at being cornered,
merely uncomfortable. I had a big smile on my face and I couldn't wait until my next session.
It felt a little like progress.
"Well I just thought I'd say hi, since I saw you sitting here."
"I thought you didn't say much," I said, narrowing my eyes at him.
"That's just around Jane," he replied, clearing his throat. "She likes to be...in charge...of the
conversation, so to speak."
I looked at him and then my eyes went wide, wondering if he was telling me what I thought
he was telling me. "Well it was good seeing you, Eleazar, I'm sure I'll see you around." I
grabbed my book and drink and headed out. I didn't have long before my session.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone in black approach Eleazar. I didn't really think
too much about it until I thought back to it afterward. Did my eyes catch a sliver of a tattoo on
his wrist? It made sense that Edward would know Jane's...whatever he was. Was Edward
there? Did he wait until I left to approach his friend, or was it just wishful thinking that I had
been so close to him again? It was a darn good thing it was time for more therapy.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
"I saw Edward," I blurted out as soon as my backside hit the chair. "I mean, I think I saw
him."
Zafrina looked at me with a raised brow. "So you would like to talk about Edward today?"
"Yes...no," I said. "I want to talk about Eleazar."
"Oh," she said, "is this a new boyfriend?"
"No," I replied, shocked. "He's a friend's boyfriend." The word friend came out like a
question. Zafrina just waited patiently for me to continue. "He surprised me, earlier today. I
was sitting at the coffee shop, reading, and when he came to say hi, he scared me. But I didn't
feel any of the rush I normally do, just regular fear, and even that went away quickly."
"That's good," she confirmed. "I'd like to talk about how you felt when you saw Edward."
"Well, to be honest, I'm not even sure it was him. That's been happening to me a lot lately. I
think I see him but he's gone before I can be sure."
"What makes you think it's him?"
I couldn't help the small smile that came to my face, as I thought about him. "It's hard to
explain, but if you had ever seen Edward, you'd understand he's pretty unique."
We spent the rest of the session talking about the fantasies. I knew now that they may never
go away completely, but what I could do was choose how I dealt with them. Putting myself in
danger was not something I was willing to do anymore. I also had a lot of guilt for having
them in the first place. I wasn't sure if that would ever go away either, but I was learning to
manage it.
"You'll have to call in to make your next appointment; my receptionist is out sick today."
"That's fine," I answered.
Zafrina walked me out of the office, and as I opened the door, the sight in the waiting room
caused me to stop flat. The Amazonian therapist ran into the back of me and shot me forward,
closer to him. I almost looked back to her to see if she saw him, too, but then she spoke.
"Edward, you may come in when you're ready." She retreated back into her office and left us
standing there with not even a receptionist to mediate.
My arms immediately crossed over my stomach, hugging myself. The cast on my arm felt
heavy as I held it to my body.
"Hi," I said, my voice sounding weaker than I wanted it to.
He tilted his head to the side, looking at me a little like a lost puppy. "Hey."
"So, you...?" I asked, motioning towards Zafrina's door.
"Yeah," he replied, looking away and shrugging.
"Me too," I replied, biting my lip.
"Do you still...?" he inquired, still not looking at me.
"No. But some days are harder than others," I said, being as honest as I could. He just nodded
his head. "Are you doing better?"
He finally took a moment to look at me again. A small smile played on his lips and I couldn't
help my heart from beating fast. "Yeah, some days are harder than others, though. But I feel a
bit better knowing someone slugged the bitch." I chuckled, but tried to hide my cast. "Does it
hurt?"
"Not anymore. It was worth it, though. I get it off next week, anyway." We were both silent
again and I shifted on my feet. "Well, I should let you get in."
"Okay," he replied. I started walking away, but he called out my name, and I stopped and
turned to face him again. "Thanks."
"Sure," I answered in a breath.
Watching the door close behind him after he walked into the office made my heart hurt.
Alice was waiting for me outside in the car. We had plans to go shopping after my
appointment but I couldn't think of clothes when my mind was firmly on Edward. If possible,
he was even more stunning than I remember. Seeing him made me remember everything so
much clearer. The feel of his hands on me, the taste of his lips, even the smell of his body
wash. I doubted there would ever be another man who had the same effect on me.
"What took you so long?" Alice whined as she started to drive off.
"Uhm," I started. "I ran into Edward." The car swerved a bit and then Alice's little, beady eyes
were staring at the side of my face. "The road? Could you watch it?"
"At the doctors? He was there?"
"Yeah, he had an appointment right after mine." I had been shocked to see him, but I guess it
made sense. After all, Jane gave me her card. It's only logical she had given the same one to
Edward.
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"So, how was it?"
"You know when you were a kid, and you looked through a bakery window and everything
looked delicious, but you weren't allowed to have any?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"It was like that." I sighed. "I mean, it was really awkward, you know? But still nice to see
him. I'm glad he's getting help."
Alice was uncharacteristically silent and I looked over to her to find she was staring at me
with a strange look on her face. I rolled my eyes and reminded her, "Alice, the road."
EPOV
Seeing Bella at the therapist's office had an unusual effect. My concern over her safety was
skyrocketing into something I was having a hard time controlling. I became irritable. Well,
even more so for me. Seeing her face, her once open and playful look had deteriorated into a
shy and apprehensive one.
The session had gone rather poorly that day as well. I couldn't help but keep asking about
Bella and how she was doing, and of course Dr. Zedoary was unable to answer any of my
questions. I felt my anxiety build as I stared at the woman who had all the answers I wanted.
Was Bella still going out at night courting trouble? Did she still have those fantasies?
Was I still part of them?
That thought made me even more anxious, and by the time I left the doctor's office, I was
suffering a huge set back. Every noise on the street made me jump and my head jerked from
side to side as people walked past me. A tiny woman, no more than five foot two, brushed my
arm as she walked by, and the flashback started. Only it wasn't the same kind I'd had before. I
had always just remembered feelings and pieced together an image in my mind of what had
happened. This time I saw Bella. She was being held down by a figure in black and I was
trying to get to her. I needed to stop them but my legs locked up and I stood paralyzed in fear
as I watched.
"Bella," I screamed out. "Stop! Bella!"
Large arms came around me and I started to struggle, my limbs finally working. I flailed,
trying to get my own attacker off me.
"Edward, man, calm down."
I recognized the voice and I looked up to see Emmett, his meaty hands gripped onto my arms,
holding me still. Tears fell from my eyes as I realized what had just happened. I looked
around and saw I had an audience. Two small groups of people were camped out, waiting to
see if I'd lose it again. My breathing picked up again as I felt trapped in the crowd.
"Look at me," Emmett said. My eyes snapped to his. "You're okay." I focused on his eyes and
brought my breathing back down. Once he was certain I was all right, he turned and shooed
away the bottle-neckers.
I felt better having his hands off me. I didn't like people touching me before and now I could
honestly say I hated it. As Emmett was getting rid of the last of the crowd, I walked off.
Hoping to avoid talking about what just happened, and thankfully, Emmett let me go.
That night I couldn't concentrate on anything, the vision played over in my mind again and
again; Bella helpless, screaming for help, and me frozen, unable to help.
I found her at the coffee shop; she was sitting across from James. I could see them through the
window and I felt better knowing she was safe. I wanted to leave as soon as I saw them, but
part of me couldn't. I watched them talking and smiling. I wondered if they were a couple
now. She brushed her hair back over her shoulder and glanced down at her watch. She said
something to him and then they both stood up. I ducked around the corner and hid in the
shadows as they walked by. They didn't hold hands; they didn't even walk very close to each
other. I made the assumption they weren't dating and that brought more relief than I expected.
James had been there that night, he had seen what happened. I trusted him, and because I did,
I headed home instead of following the pair.
I had four other episodes that week. Someone patting me on the back, a woman flirting, a man
bumping into me, and Jane startling me, all these things set me into a panic. I felt like I was
starting over again, but after each episode, I sought to find Bella, and once I knew she was
safe, I felt calmer.
The doctor called it stalking; I called it a necessary evil for the sake of my sanity. Instead of
agreeing to disagree, Dr. Zedoary prescribed me Xanax. She had asked me to use it instead of
trailing Bella as a way to calm down after an episode. I agreed hesitantly.
Two days had come and gone since my last appointment. Bella's and my appointments would
no longer be back to back, the doctor had probably seen to that. I had hoped to run into her
again, so I could see that she was safe without breaking any promises.
I still hadn't had an attack, but besides work, I had pretty much stayed holed up in my dorm
room. But I was hungry, and Jane, Garrett, and Kate were begging me to meet them for
dinner, so I caved. I was about a block away when I saw her. She was standing with Rose,
Emmett, Alice, and Jasper outside the movie theatre. I nearly thought another attack was
starting except I didn't feel the panic and there had been no trigger.
She smiled shyly when she caught me staring. She picked up her hand and gave a little wave.
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and nodded hello to her. Emmett noticed me next and gave
me a quick smile right before Bella said something to him and started heading my way.
"Hi," she said, stopping slightly farther away than what would be considered normal. I
wondered if Emmett told her about my breakdown the other day. Was she afraid of me? Or
maybe just setting me off.
I had never been good with words, it's part of why I was quiet most of the time. I would rather
not say anything than have something stupid sounding tumble from my lips. Not once had I
had the problem of a brain-mouth disconnect until this very moment.
"I miss you."
Bella's eyes went wide with shock and then they narrowed with suspicion. I just stood there,
looking at her like the fucking cowardly lion, frozen with fear. The words had been the truth
but I couldn't believe I was stupid enough to say them. Between Bella and I, there were
enough neurons misfiring to ensure disaster in any type of relationship.
She looked like she was decided how to respond when she whispered, "I miss you, too."
I suddenly felt guilty for following her, for sitting in the tree outside her house without her
knowledge, for not just fucking calling and asking if she was okay. She took a step forward,
and I wasn't sure if it was my actions over the past week or so or her proximity, but I felt the
anxiety start to build. I took a jerky step back.
"Don't touch me," I snapped, but immediately wanted to take it back when I saw the look of
absolute dejection on her face.
"I'm sorry..." she started but was cut off.
"Bella?" Jasper called. "Movie's letting in."
"Okay, coming," she yelled back. Turning back to me, she ducked her head. "Sorry."
Before I could respond, she was jogging back to her friends. I wanted more than anything to
stop her, to tell her it wasn't her fault. I wanted to fucking hug her and I had no idea if I could.
I watched her disappear into the building and started on my way to the restaurant. Everything
in my life was fucked up but I was starting to wonder if I didn't have the power to fix some of
it. Maybe if I patched my friendship with Bella I could ease some of the anxiety I was feeling.
I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text.
I'm sorry. Do you want to come over after your movie? Just to talk? -Edward
My friends had saved me the table in the corner, knowing I liked to be able to see the room. I
sat down and listened as they talked about things that barely felt like they mattered anymore.
The waitress strolled up; heavy with the lipstick, she wore a fake smile as she took our orders.
I was about to say forget it and head home when my phone beeped.
Sure - B
So I ordered a beer and a plate of nachos and found myself more relaxed than I had been in
weeks.
Chapter 14
BPOV
"This is not a good idea, I do not like this idea," Jasper blubbered when I told him I was going
to see Edward after the movie had let out.
It could have been a bad idea, but wild horses couldn't have dragged me from going. I wanted
to know that Edward was doing better, show him I was doing better, and hopefully he'd see
how much better we'd both be doing if we were doing it together. Not ‘it', per say, but dealing.
We'd both be better if we had each other to lean on. Well, that was the hope, anyway. See,
even my mind was babbling with excitement over the thought of spending time with Edward.
"Jasper, I'm going," I said apologetically, trying to placate him, but I was anything but sorry
about my decision.
"Do you want me to drive you?" he asked.
"And what, bang Alice in the car while you wait for me to be done?" I asked sarcastically, but
the pink tinge on his cheeks told me that was exactly what he thought. "Ew. No thanks. I can
drive and you can catch a ride with Em and Rose."
"Fine, but I'll have my cell on; you call if you need me, okay?" He grabbed my arm as we
walked down the street and pulled me off to the side, stopping, letting our friends keep going.
"No matter what he says, it's not your fault you feel the way you do. Please come right home
after, okay?"
I saw the pain in Jasper's eyes, he was worried that talking to Edward would set me off and I'd
go out and risk myself. I hoped he was wrong but that was all I could offer, so I promised. I
hoped if I did feel the need for that rush after talking with Edward, my word to my brother
would be enough to not act on it. It had been a while since I had done it, but I knew anything
could trigger it and I'd be back where I started.
It wasn't a long drive to campus, and being summer, the parking could have been worse. I was
only a block and a half away from Edward's dorm but the walk seemed to simultaneously take
forever and no time at all. The night was warm and yet I felt chilled, I was pretty sure it had to
do with the fact I was nervous about seeing Edward.
I knocked on his door, wondering if maybe I should have texted him to let him know I was
here, but then the door swung open, and I was assaulted in almost all my senses by Edward.
My sight was the second, but the first was my sense of smell. Weed is not something that has
a pleasant aroma, but when it's attached to the memory of someone, it can be homey. He had
changed since I had seen him in front of the movie theatre. Long, green sleeves poked out
from a black t-shirt, the color was just enough to make his eyes blaze. He wore a pair of black
cargo pants, slightly too baggy for his form. I opened my mouth to greet him and I could taste
the weed he had recently smoked on my tongue, and if the saying was true, it did make me
hungry, but not for food.
"Hi," I said as his mouth curved into a small smile.
"Come in," he said, breathing out heavily. "I wasn't sure you were really going to come."
"Why wouldn't I?" I asked.
He didn't answer right away, instead he ushered me in and sat me down on his bed. He took
the office chair next to his desk. His fingers dipped under his sleeve and I knew he was
rubbing his tattoo. I was glad I hadn't somehow tainted that for him; after all, he had told me I
was the one worth waiting for.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted," he said, and my eyes shot over to him.
"No, Edward, I'm sorry."
"For what?" he spat out. "For something you can't control? I reacted badly and I'm sorry. It
wasn't your fault, what happened to me."
"It wasn't yours either," I said softly. "I know being around me after...the attack, I should have
known. I shouldn't have been there."
"Bella, if you hadn't been there, I would have woken up alone."
I didn't know what to say to that. Edward's family would likely never know what he went
through; all he had was his friends. But there was something that had been eating at me lately
as I lay in bed at night. I didn't know if I'd ever have this chance again.
"Edward, what were you going to say to me the night of the party, before Lauren...?"
A pained look came across his face and I wondered if it had to do with the fact that he was
remembering the attack or if he was going to have to give me the brush off after all. I watched
as he rubbed harder over the tattoo to the point where I was worried he would scratch the
whole thing off.
"I wanted to give us another try." He kept his eyes on the floor and his words were quiet, but
the brokenness behind them was too much for me.
I lowered my head just as the first tear slid down my cheek. I had lost my chance, Lauren had
taken it. I was furious and cheated, but mostly, I was sad. I knew Edward was focusing on his
own thoughts and I willed my body not to shake for a sob, not to tumble out and expose my
condition.
One little sniffle.
I darted my eyes up to see if he had heard and saw him staring at me with his head tilted and
his own eyes sad. He looked torn, and I couldn't blame him. I wanted to run and get away so I
could hide my pain, but part of me just wanted him to come over and hold me.
"Bella, I'm so screwed up right now. I can't..."
"I know," I replied, my voice shaky and quiet.
"Bella, I've been following you."
"What?" I heard the words but my mind couldn't process it.
"I've been so fucking worried about you and I have these panic attacks."
I stood up, feeling a little vulnerable sitting on his bed. I thought about all the times I
imagined I had seen him. It wasn't my imagination after all. I started sobbing. Not because he
had violated my privacy, but the fact that I had a pseudo-stalker excited me.
"Bella, I'm sorry. I should have never followed you," he said, coming up to me but still
looking unsure about what to do.
"No, no it's okay," I bellowed out.
I looked up at him, all snot-nosed and bawling, and a determined look came over his face. He
took that last step toward me and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel his body stiffen
when I hugged him around the middle but he never let go.
When I calmed down enough to talk, I told Edward why I had been crying. He laughed at me.
I told him I got a thrill out of the idea that he was stalking me and the fucker laughed.
"Now if only you'd told me that was one of your fantasies when we started, that would have
been an easy one to accommodate," he chuckled.
"Really, Edward? You're making fun of my mental illness now?" I said, but couldn't pack the
indignant feeling behind it I wanted to, because I started giggling.
We both started laughing harder. After all the crap we had been through, I wanted to believe
that us being able to laugh at it was a good start in the healing direction.
I pulled back slightly, looking up at Edward, and lost my breath at the sight of him laughing,
his eyes crinkled and his mouth opened wide as joy poured from him freely. He noticed that
I'd stopped laughing and looked down at me. As soon as our eyes locked, the laughter was
replaced with a new emotion. The room felt thick and my whole world revolved around
Edward's lips.
I rose up on my toes and leaned forward. My breath shuddered when he closed the distance
and met my lips with his. The kiss was soft, and even though I had kissed Edward many times
in many ways, this felt new. His breath was warm and stale but I had never tasted anything so
wonderful. I closed my eyes and my body took over. My arms around his back tightened,
trying to bring our bodies closer together, and that was when he stiffened. Pushing me back
with a considerable force, I tripped over my own feet and landed on my ass in the middle of
the room. Edward backed away and stood frozen against the wall.
"No, no, no," he chanted, and as I looked up at his panic-stricken face, I realized Edward was
worse off than I had thought, and there was a good chance we would never be able to be
together again.
EPOV
I looked at Bella sitting on the floor but I didn't see her. It wasn't a hallucination, I hadn't seen
Lauren in her place, but what I felt had been real. Panic. When her arms tightened around me,
I couldn't breathe. I don't remember anything from the time I felt the anxiety rise to the time I
found myself pressed against the wall, but with Bella on her ass in the middle of the floor, I
could guess.
I wanted to go to her, to help her up, but my fear held me in place. I wasn't afraid of Bella,
even while I stood breathless and panting against the wall I knew she would never hurt me,
but there seemed to be a disconnect between my body and my mind. Regardless of what I
knew, my body didn't believe it.
I watched as the sadness filled up her eyes and she stood herself up off the floor. She gave me
a look that reeked of pity and I fucking hated it. She made her way to the door and I called out
to her.
"Don't go."
She turned, and with a surprised and cautious look, she observed me for a moment. My
breathing that had just started slowing picked up again. This time, it was a new terror; I didn't
want to be alone. I was afraid of the memories or feelings that would attack me if I was left to
my own devices.
"Okay, but my ass is bruised enough for one night, so don't you try to kiss me again," she
teased tentatively.
Her inappropriate joke was exactly what I needed, I found myself letting out a small huff of
air that was akin to a laugh. That small amount of breath seemed to clear the room and Bella
looked at me with a small smile.
"Guess this is a role reversal. Me the one saying no." Her smile dimmed a little but she held
on to it as if she was afraid to let it go.
"Well you did dump me; I guess I shouldn't have been so fresh."
"I didn't dump you," I insisted.
"I know."
"Can we be friends?" The words made me flinch. They sounded cliché and didn't hold near
the weight of what I was asking. I knew I couldn't ask for her to wait for me, but part of me
wanted to. I wanted to be selfish and tell her that if she just gave me time, we could get back
to where we were supposed to be, but Bella was too luminescent, and there was no way she
should be sidelined waiting for a guy like me. I didn't fit in her life before all of this, how
could I have a place there now?
"Of course, Edward, I'll be whatever you need me to be." Bella was much better than I at
choosing her words; hers carried all she needed them to.
Bella walked over to my roommate's bed and sat down, curling her legs up under her and
giving me an encouraging smile. I peeled myself off the wall and sat down opposite her.
"So I'm obviously still fucked up, how have you been?"
Bella told me a little about her sessions with Zafrina and how Jane had suggested her. I was a
little surprised at Jane's involvement but my friend had a way of keeping me on my toes.
"I haven't gone out after dark by myself in weeks and I'm having a much different reaction to
the dreams. I don't know if they are ever going to go away but I think I'm handling them
better." Bella kept her eyes down and I realized she was ashamed she still had the fantasies.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have been so mad at you. But I want you to know it was never
because I blamed you, I was terrified for you and I was mad. You don't ever want to feel like I
did, Bella. Not ever."
"I know."
She lay down on the bed, staying on her side, and I mirrored her movements. We were silent
as we watched each other for a moment. Her dark hair fell over her shoulder and onto her face
and she pushed it back. She was still one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Even with
everything, her eyes held an innocence that drew me in. She reached out her hand and I
immediately took it.
"I think Jasper is going to propose to Alice soon," she said softly.
"Think she'll say yes?" I asked with a smirk.
"Hard to say," she jested.
She shifted on the bed and I could tell her arm was bothering her, so I let her hand go. "It still
hurts?" I asked.
"Not too much, but it's not great to lie on." Bella slid her arm from underneath her side and
lay on her back, just turning her face to me. "It's getting late..." I tried to hide the discomfort I
felt at being left alone but Bella sensed it immediately. "I could just stay here, if you wanted."
"As long as you promise not to accost me in my sleep," I attempted to joke.
"Not funny," she replied, looking at me angrily.
"A little funny," I grumbled.
Bella sent Jasper a quick text message before falling asleep. I watched her eyes droop and
close and her breathing become steady. Only after she was completely unconscious did I close
my own eyes. I wondered if it was going to be hard for me to fall asleep with a woman in the
room with me. Fortunately, that was my last thought before the sun was in my eyes from the
small crack in the curtains.
I rolled over and opened my eyes to find Bella staring at me. Her eyes were sad or maybe just
sleepy; it was hard for me to tell since my own sight was still blurry from sleep. I went to give
her a smile but instead, my mouth opened widely in a yawn. It caused her to giggle and I
wanted to wear the warmth the sound had provided as a blanket.
Bella got up and ran her hands through her hair before pulling it back in a pony tail. "Guess I
better go take the walk of shame," she joked.
"I don't think it counts when you didn't get to have the wild, tawdry sex," I replied.
"No, it's still the same. Everyone seeing me walking down the hallway in last night's clothes
will think we had sex."
"You've walked down this hallway in the morning plenty," I said, referring to the times she
had stayed over when we were dating.
"Yeah, but I got a good morning kiss those times, so I was on an adrenaline high and didn't
notice the stares."
I smirked at this new information. "So, you are saying that my kisses were so phenomenal that
you were dazed and confused for a period of time."
She just gave me a small smile which took all the punch out of the ego stroking I was hoping
for. She grabbed her shoes and slid them on while I watched uncomfortably.
"I'll see you later," she said but it came out almost like a question.
"Yeah."
I closed the door and took a deep breath. I hadn't wanted Bella to leave but I couldn't ask her
to stay any longer. Pulling off my shirt, I threw it into the corner of the room and grabbed my
shower bag. I slung my towel over my shoulder and opened the door only to be shocked at the
sight of Bella standing there with her hand poised to knock.
Her face flushed as she took in my state of undress. I couldn't help but hide my delight as her
eyes gave me the ego boost I had been wanting just minutes before.
"Bella?" I inquired after she stood there for a moment, gaping.
She walked forward and I couldn't help but take a step back. Closing the door, she rested her
back against it.
"Why did you freak out when we were kissing? Was it a memory or something I did?"
"I panicked when you locked your arms around me," I answered honestly.
"So if I wasn't touching you, you might be able to kiss me?"
"Bella, I don't always know what is going to set me off, I don't want to hurt you," I replied.
She bit her lip and slowly reached out for my hand; I tensed, but I didn't flinch. When she had
my hand, she placed her wrist in it and closed my fingers around her arm. She held up her
other arm as an invitation to do the same with it. Unsure of what she was doing, I took her
wrist. She pulled them back until they were resting on the door behind her.
"There, now I can't touch you. Kiss me." Her plea was so raw and desperate I found myself
leaning in.
A small spark ignited between our lips just before mine reached hers. The slight pain caused
Bella's mouth to drop open and her breath to fall on my face. Moving slowly, I tested myself
out, kissing cautiously before adding more effort. She kissed me back but kept her body still. I
had no idea if she was getting a thrill out of being restrained but I had to admit I felt more
comfortable being in control, for now, anyway.
When I finally pulled away, Bella's cheeks were flushed and her eyes were closed. I released
her wrists and she let her arms fall to her sides before opening her lids. She looked at me with
trepidation before asking, "Was that okay? Did you have any anxiety?"
"No," I said honestly.
"So then maybe we can try that again?" she asked hopefully.
I felt a smile tug at my lips. "Yeah, maybe we can."
Chapter 15
BPOV
My arms were crossed over the front of my chest in defiance, or maybe defense. This was not
the reaction I had expected when I told Zafrina of my and Edward's reunion, and the worst
part about it was she made perfect sense.
"Do you feel that being with Edward is going to make the fantasies go away?" she asked.
"No," I answered defensively, but then wondered if I did. Was I putting my hope in Edward to
take away these fantasies? I didn't think so.
"If Edward has another one of these attacks you told me about, how will you handle that?" I
hated the way her questions were more inquisitive and not judgmental, it left me as the one
that had to be my own voice of reason.
"He hasn't had one in a week," I answered petulantly.
"And what happened?"
I was sitting on Edward's bed. We had been spending a lot more time at his place rather than
mine because we weren't quite ready to reintroduce him back into my family unit. He was
nervous around too many people at once and we figured it was better to just keep things on
the down low for a bit.
"I want to kiss you," he said, and I assumed the position. We had worked out that if I lay down
and placed my hands over my head to begin with, it made it a lot easier for him to get started.
He straddled my waist and leaned forward, cupping my wrists in his hands. He apologized
with his eyes, but at that moment, I couldn't care less what we had to do, all I wanted was for
him to touch me, to kiss me.
He kissed me until my breath came out in pants and my shoulders ached. He moved his kisses
to my neck when my nose started to itch, but instead of breaking the kiss to ask him to release
a hand I just moved my head and tried to scratch it on his shoulder.
In scrambling to get off me, Edward landed his knee right in my gut, winding me as he sank to
the floor between the two beds. I had no idea what set him off and that was the worst part.
"When you went home from Edward's that day, did you have fantasies?"
I looked down at my lap. I had no idea how she knew but she always seemed to. I answered
with a small nod, not wanting to speak.
"What do you think brought these fantasies on?"
"They seem to come more when I have spikes in adrenaline," I answered honestly, "perhaps it
was the excitement of Edward's freak out."
She sighed. "Bella, I think the way you and Edward are handling the physical aspect of your
relationship is not the best for either of you right now. If he needs to pin you down to feel
safe, I don't think he is ready for that step, and for you to be restrained every time you have
physical contact is only going to feed your fantasies at this point."
"So you are saying that I shouldn't be kissing Edward unless he can do it without holding my
arms?" I clarified.
"I think that would be best."
Well, fuck.
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
I sat down under the large tree in the Quad, waiting for Edward to show up. I had a backpack
full of picnic supplies. I wished I had a basket but I didn't really think you could even buy
those anymore. If you could, I had no idea where I could've found one.
I laid out the large patchwork quilt I found in the attic and started unloading the sandwiches
and salads I'd packed. Edward walked up and kicked off his shoes, sitting down across from
me. Even on the hottest of days, Edward never faltered from his black pants, I wondered
sometimes how he didn't overheat. He replied that he was naturally cold.
"Hi," he said, his smirk was in full force and I felt myself blush under his gaze.
"Hi," I replied.
We ate our lunch as we chatted about nothing important. Edward was always good company
no matter how little or how much we talked. I hadn't told him about what Zafrina had said. I
wasn't sure I was going to listen to her. I had just started mending everything with Edward
and things seemed to be working the way we were doing it, and I didn't really want to play
with fire. But while I was deciding, I wanted to keep temptation away, and since he never
tried to kiss me in public, because of the difficulties it would cause, I planned the picnic.
When we had eaten everything I had packed, I reached into my backpack and pulled out my
camera. Edward eyed me suspiciously as I adjusted the aperture and shutter speed to
compensate for the sunny day.
"What are you doing?" he asked, sounding mildly amused.
"Taking pictures," I replied.
"Of what?"
"You." I aimed my camera quickly and clicked. The picture was a little fuzzy but Edward's
expression of surprise was priceless, so I kept it.
He fidgeted under my camera's gaze as I took more time focusing the next picture. "I don't
really like having my picture taken. I never know what to do." I could see him do what a lot of
people do when you point a camera at them, tense up and freeze.
"Don't do anything. Just keep talking to me and ignore the camera."
When he stayed in his uncomfortable pose, I sighed and rested the camera on my shoulder.
"What do you want the most in the whole world?" I asked.
He looked up at me and answered, "To forget." I raised the camera and snapped just as he
finished his words.
I kept Edward talking and he loosened up as I clicked him in different angles. Not many
photographers got to work with subjects as beautiful as Edward, and I realized when I took his
picture, I found it a lot more interesting than taking still life pictures. The way the light
reflected off Edward's hair was stunning; he was truly the most beautiful person I had ever
seen up close.
The more I clicked, the more excited I became. It had been so long since I had done
something and really enjoyed it without either of our problems looming over us. Edward also
loosened up, it seemed the more I was enjoying myself the more he seemed to be as well. He
sank back on his elbows, looking up at me when I clicked again. His eyes burned right
through the lens and I dropped the camera down from my face and stared back at him.
That look was familiar but I hadn't seen it in its entirety since we had gotten back together. It
was predatory and smoldering, sexy and lustful, and everything a look should be right before
your boyfriend screws you into oblivion. Of course, that wasn't about to happen, so I was a
little upset at him for looking at me like that.
"Bella, can we go back to my dorm now?" His voice was husky and low and I couldn't help
but wonder if I was wrong. Before, I would have said I wasn't ready to have sex with Edward,
but I no longer trusted my own instinct, I would just let things happen and see where we
ended up.
I answered him by packing my camera away as he shoved all our things in the backpack. He
grabbed my hand without flinching and sparks of desire shot up my arm as I followed him
quickly through campus. We reached his room and he nearly threw me through the door in his
haste. I giggled and tossed my bag on his desk.
"Bella, I want to kiss you now," he said, his eyes desperate but also a little fearful now that we
were away from prying eyes.
I took a deep breath. "So kiss me," I answered.
He looked at me, confused, and then scared. His eyes darted to the bed in a silent plea but I
stood firm and shook my head. I was going to prove it to Zafrina, to him, to myself, that we
were ready to take this step.
"Bella," he said, but he had already resigned himself to try, I could see it in the defeated look
on his face. He took small and precise steps towards me. I stood very still, hoping I could help
him by remaining passive.
His brows furrowed as he leaned forward, almost like he was in pain, but he pushed forward
and met my lips with his. A breath shuddered out as he moved his mouth against mine and I
wasn't sure who had released it. I wanted to wrap my arms around him but I knew that was a
bad idea, so I stood still as he worked himself up to deepening the kiss.
"Bella, you have no idea how much I want this," he groaned.
"I want it, too, Edward, but just do what you can. Don't push too hard."
He looked down into my eyes and a new determination came into his. He ran his fingers along
the patch of skin that was exposed between my red tank top and my shorts. Then his fingers
became hands and they gripped my waist. He kept his hands above my top but slid them up to
my breasts. I whimpered when his fingers passed over my nipples, causing them to harden
instantly.
My heart beat fast as he kneaded my breasts, and without even realizing we were moving, I
felt the wall behind my back. He moved down to kiss me again. My eyes nearly rolled out the
back of my head and I felt my balance off. I reached up instinctively and grabbed onto
Edward's forearms. He stiffened in the kiss for a moment and I held my breath, but just a
moment later, he began to kiss me again.
His lips moved ferociously against mine, like once the dam had been broken, there was no
stopping him. Still unsure if I should move my hands, I kept them in place on Edward's arms
because I couldn't concentrate long enough to come up with a better plan.
Edward's body pressed into mine slowly, at first there was wonder at whether or not I felt his
leg graze mine, and then there was the light pressure of our chests, and finally there was his
body pushing against mine, trying to get closer even though there was no gap left.
I felt him grind into me and I moaned loudly, which, in turn, spurred him on. He rotated his
hips against mine before reaching down and grabbing one of my legs and hitching it up. His
knees bent, and before I could say holy crap Edward is dry humping me, he was...well, dry
humping me.
His upper body held mine in place on the wall as he rubbed our nether bits together furiously.
I moaned and whimpered but didn't say anything, not wanting to break the spell and have him
pull back. Edward had no such fear as he alternated between chanting, "Fuck" and "Bella".
I felt myself nearing the edge as he slammed against me again. I throbbed and cried out at the
same time he did just shortly before he still his movements. He looked up at me and smiled. I
hadn't seen that smile in a long time and it was like the sun coming through the window after
a year of rain.
Maybe Edward wasn't broken after all.
EPOV
I didn't feel like smoking up.
I guess an orgasm does that to you. I hadn't really even touched myself much since the attack,
not feeling very sexual, but this was exactly what I'd needed. Bella had left about an hour
earlier and I headed down to the bathrooms to take a shower. A few months ago, I would
have been embarrassed to have blown my load in my pants, but today, it felt fan-fucking-
tastic, and I couldn't have cared less about the clean up involved.
I thought about what we had done and felt myself getting hard again as I soaped up in the
shower. I thought about dealing with it but I didn't want my hand to sully the fact I'd had a
Bella induced orgasm. I wrapped the towel around my skinny ass and went back to my dorm
room to get dressed.
Lying on my bed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, I yawned, and for the first time in a long
time, I figured I might actually have a restful sleep. I had Bella and I no longer felt that I
would never be able to touch her, really touch her.
I closed my eyes when my cell phone started vibrating on the nightstand next to me. I grabbed
it and saw Bella's home number. I smiled and picked up the phone.
"Hello," I said lazily.
"Edward? Is Bella there?" Jasper answered back. I sat up and my heart fell in my chest.
"No, she left an hour ago. She said she was going home," my voice trailed at the end. "Shit!"
Jasper and I quickly divvied out the city, promising to call the other once we found her. As
soon as I got off the phone with him, I called Bella's cell. I thought she may answer it for me
even if she wouldn't for Jasper.
I wondered what the fuck had happened. After the progress we'd made, how could she run out
and throw it away? The idea briefly ran through my mind that maybe it was because I hadn't
held her arms. What if the only way to really please Bella was to restrain her? But then I
remember it had been her idea. So where was she?
I grabbed my keys and headed down to my car. Hoping that we would find her fast, I put my
car in drive and headed towards my allotted area of the city. I knew where I was going first.
The same area I had followed her to before. I scanned the streets for her car but I couldn't see
it anywhere.
At first, I didn't see it. I thought it was a box sitting on the bus stop, but as I got closer, I could
see it was a person, their legs tucked up to them and their arms around their legs. The legs
were familiar and I pulled over. I jumped out of the car and ran up to her.
"Bella," I said frantically as she sat sobbing. She lifted her head and I saw the tears running
down her face. "What happened? God, what happened?" My stomach was in my throat as all
of the worst case scenarios ran through my brain.
She rocked back and forth on the bench, looking at me with broken eyes. "Nothing," she
sobbed and I knew why she was crying. She had wanted it to.
I wanted to ask her why but I knew that she probably had no more of an idea than I did. I just
gathered her in my arms and let her cry. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my cell phone,
sending Jasper a quick text telling him I found her and everything was all right.
When she finally calmed down a little, she raised her head from my shoulder and spoke, "You
seemed better, I just wanted to be better, too, but I think I tried to push too hard and I found
myself thinking about it, wanting it again."
"It's okay," I said softly. "Come on."
I took her to the car, opening her door for her and helping her sink down into the seat. I sat
down in the driver's seat and sighed.
"Where should I take you?"
Her voice was unsure and broken when she answered. "Can we go to your place? I don't want
to face my family right now."
I started the car and drove off, heading back to campus. I saw her pull out her phone and type
a message, I assumed to Jasper. By the time I parked, she was fast asleep. I opened the
passenger door and looked at her. She was a small girl but I wouldn't count myself in the
overly strong department. I scrunched up my face, figuring out how to get her out of the car
and into my arms without waking her. I placed my knee on the edge of the car seat and
reached over, unbuckling her.
She shifted as the strap brushed across her chest and I held my breath, waiting to see if she
would wake. When she didn't move, I slid one of my arms under her knees and one behind her
back and cradled her into my chest. I was half in the car and half out, and her weight was
enough that I was having problems getting momentum to pull out. I rocked a couple of times,
and when I thought I had the inertia, I stood up, banging Bella's head firmly on the roof of the
car.
She let out a scream and then a, "What the hell?"
I dropped her back down on the seat and pulled my arms away as quickly as I could. "Sorry,"
I apologized, "you were sleeping..."
"And you thought you'd put an end to that?" she cut me off, rubbing her head.
"I'm sorry," I said earnestly. All I had wanted to do was carry her in and let her sleep, but the
way her face was set in a deep frown told me that perhaps I should have just woken her.
She shook it off and got out of the car. I wanted to take her hand but I felt awkward and so I
shoved my hands in my pockets instead. Bella wound her arm through mine though, and I
once again remembered why I thought we were so well suited for each other to begin with.
Bella's phone beeped when we got up to the room and she looked at it and sighed. "I need to
call Jasper."
"Sure," I said. "I'll just run to the bathroom."
I left her alone in the room and headed down the hall. I knew Jasper was not going to be
happy at her spending the night at my place after a relapse but I was too selfish to make her
go home. I wanted her there, I needed to know she was safe, too. When I came back to the
room, Bella looked deep in thought, and she was half naked.
"Sorry, I borrowed one of your shirts," she said, motioning to the black button up that she was
wearing. I hardly ever wore it, opting mostly for t-shirts, but from that moment, I declared it
my favorite shirt.
"That's fine," I replied.
Bella bit her lip and looked at the bed somewhat longingly. I knew she had to be tired, so I
took off my shoes and socks and crawled into the bed, holding open the covers for her to join
me.
"Is it okay? That I sleep with you?" She asked unsure.
"Yes," I said honestly. "I'll sleep better if I know you're safe."
She nodded and climbed in next to me. I tucked her into my arms and held her close. I knew
neither of us would fall right asleep but holding her was comforting, until I became incredibly
hot. My hair stuck to my forehead and my chest felt like it was on fire. I didn't want to say
anything, though, I didn't want to make Bella uncomfortable.
"Edward, take off your shirt, I'm dying here."
"Thank fuck," I said, chuckling. I sat up and pulled the fabric over my head, tossing it off the
side. Feeling better right away, I pulled Bella back to my chest.
I felt, rather than saw Bella drift off to sleep. I closed my own eyes and she started
murmuring. Figuring I had been mistaken and she was still awake, I fought off my own
slumber, not wanting to fall asleep before her.
"Edward," she mumbled.
"Yeah?"
"I love you." My eyes shot open and I turned to face her. I was about to answer her when she
continued. "Edward, we need to get all the animals in the arc, it's starting to rain!"
I chuckled and then caught myself. She had been dreaming, and while I knew she wasn't
Noah, I did wonder if she was in love.
Chapter 16
BPOV
I walked into the living room. It was my living room, but not. The furniture was different and
the walls were painted green but I knew it was my living room. It's also how I knew I was
having a dream. I sat down on the couch; it was my couch and yet looked nothing like the
piece of furniture my parents had purchased nearly ten years ago.
I looked up in time to see Edward enter from the kitchen. My dream self sighed, she knew
what was coming. It had been a few weeks since my last rape dream about Edward and I was
actually feeling annoyed by it.
"What's the matter?" he asked, sitting down next to me. Since it was a dream and I could see
myself, I saw the look of shock across my face.
Dream Edward had never asked me anything about my feelings. In fact, he took great pride in
hurting them before ripping at me with his vicious hands.
"Please tell me," he continued prodding. I thought at first I might just tell him this was a
dream but what would that accomplish? I was creating this Edward...maybe I could get him
to do what I wanted.
He leaned forward with what looked like confusion on his face before he kissed my lips softly.
I didn't waste any time, because you never know when you are going to wake up. I slid my
hands through his hair and held him to me.
He ran his hands over my back and down my rear, pulling me closer to him on the couch. I
put my hand on his chest and pushed him down until my body was lying directly on top of his.
I ground my hips into his and he made a delicious noise, somewhere between a moan and a
grunt.
"Bella," he said, breaking the kiss. "Maybe we should stop."
"No way, Edward. Tonight you are mine and I will not be denied."
Apparently my dream self was dramatic.
I slid my hands up the front of his shirt, raking my nails lightly across his chest. I was
rewarded by a heated look in his eyes.
"Fuck, Bella. I need you."
Apparently my dream Edward was perfect.
I nodded fast and pulled at my shirt, it got caught on my head and I yanked and yanked, but it
wouldn't come off. I felt Edward's hands help pull on it but it wouldn't budge, and all I could
see was the darkness. The darkness turned into the quiet of my room and I knew I was waking
up.
"No...No...No." My dream pleading turned into real life pleading and I found myself lying in
bed all worked up and no Edward of any variety to help me.
Once I got over the fact that I was the only one around to fix my own problem, a thought
struck me. I had a regular sex dream. There was no force, no cruelty, and no bondage-unless
you count the shirt that wouldn't come off, and I wasn't. This was a huge step for me and it
brought one other thing into the blinding light.
I wanted to have sex with Edward Cullen.
It was three weeks after the dry hump against the wall and all I'd gotten from him was chaste
kisses, and it was very obvious he was stopping for my benefit. Only I didn't want to stop. Do
not stop, do not pass go, go directly to Edward Cullen's junk.
Through Zafrina's insistence, I had picked a hobby to channel my emotions into. Whenever
the desire became strong, I took pictures. I now had a 25GB hard drive filled with pictures of
Edward. He was my muse, he grounded me, and even though I was controlling this on my
own, it felt good to have him there supporting me.
But right now, I wanted him supporting me while he plowed into me without mercy.
Apparently my fantasies had somewhat kept my libido in check, and now that they weren't as
frequent, I found myself very...eager. Of course it could have had something to do with
Edward's ‘look but don't touch' policy. He'd given me a taste and I was hooked.
But beyond being in irrevocable lust with Edward, I was also in love with him. I had known
for a little while but it wasn't something I was about to share. We didn't need any crazy
declarations of love on top of our cumulative problems.
I was kicked out of my horny-turned-loving internal musings when a knock came on my door.
I opened it to see Jasper standing there.
"Edward's here," he said.
"Shit! Already," I replied in a voice much too high.
Edward, in his attempts to keep me out of his pants, had decided we needed to go on a real
date. Part of me hoped after the date I'd at least get him to feel me up, but I knew it was
unlikely. He was walking on eggshells with me and it was beginning to piss me off.
I looked in the mirror and fluffed my hair, and then rolled my eyes at myself fluffing my hair.
I grabbed my purse off the chair and headed downstairs to see my date.
Now, it cannot be said enough how handsome Edward was, but Edward in a pair of black
dress pants and a blood red shirt had literally taken my breath away. His pale skin seemed to
shine, and for once, he looked less emo and more runway model.
"You look really great," he said, using the full force of his radiant smile on me.
I looked down at the black dress I was wearing and thought maybe I should have worn
something fancier, to look good on Edward's arm.
"Thanks, you too." I stepped up to him shyly and he leaned down, but at the last moment, he
placed a kiss on my cheek.
My parents, thankfully, had given me some space even though Jasper was there on the stairs
with his arms crossed. I wished I could have blamed him for my lackluster greeting, but I had
a feeling Edward would have only given me a cheek kiss regardless.
Edward took me to a local seafood place to eat, followed by a walk in the park. I had a hard
time keeping my eyes off him in the moonlight. He looked otherworldly and I wished more
than anything we could just be a normal couple.
He did end up taking me back to his dorm that night. I sat on his bed and took pictures of him
while he put his keys away and hit play on his iPod. He rarely even flinched anymore when I
pulled out my camera and chose to just ignore me most of the time when I did it.
I kept my camera at Edward's; it was where I used it most anyway. I lowered the camera
when he turned to face me, but not before I took a picture, hoping to capture the smolder in
his eyes. He took a few steps toward me but then seemed to remember himself.
"I should probably take you home soon," he said.
I felt more defeated than angry. "Edward, if you don't want to touch me, then I don't see how
you can be my boyfriend."
A pained look came across his face as he answered, "It's not that I don't want to, Bella."
"No, I get it." And I really did. He tried and I had failed him last time. If I thought putting the
moves on Edward would trigger something horrible, I might have found some restraint too.
I packed my camera away and stood up, slipping on my shoes.
"Hey," he said softly. "What are you doing?"
"I think it's time for me to go home," I replied, trying to keep the tears out of my eyes and the
hurt out of my voice.
I kept my back to him, his eyes burning me as I stared at the door. I wasn't brave enough to
look at him and I didn't want him to see the rejection I was sure was written on my face. I felt
his body come up behind me right before he wrapped his arms around my waist. He was so
warm and I couldn't help but lean back into him.
"Bella..."
I took a deep breath and turned in his arms. "It's okay, really." I looked at him and tried to will
myself to look honest about my answer. It wasn't okay. If he really wouldn't touch me, how
would we ever make it?
"I know you think I have some kind of perfect, unyielding self-control, but that's not actually
the case."
"I'm not asking you to control yourself," I replied.
He let out a sigh and rested his forehead on mine. I shut my eyes and enjoyed the closeness of
our position. I was going to take what I could get. My heart nearly burst out of my chest when
I felt his lips brush mine. They were soft and sweet, and while I had many kisses like this over
the last few weeks, this one felt different, this one didn't feel like it was going to stop.
I snaked my arms around Edward's waist as he lowered his lips to my neck. Each place his
mouth touched blazed with desire until I felt I might nearly pass out from the heat. I had no
idea my body could create pockets of heat just from his touch. Carefully and slowly, I placed
my hands on his chest and ran them up and over his shoulders.
Wrapping my arms around his neck had put my chest against his and I felt the rumble from
the groan he emitted right to my toes. From then it was frantic; he tugged at my clothing and I
clawed at his. When his hand touched my bare breast, I thought I might explode, but he
started to slow, the fire was lit and now we were cooking in the smolder.
He took my hand and led me to the bed, laying me down before joining me. He hovered over
me, placing soft kisses on my chest and neck, his unruly hair tickling my chin. He kissed and
touched and prepped my body until I thought I wouldn't be able to stand it anymore, and then
he joined with me.
I thought I had been in love before. I was wrong. This was love; Edward, looking into my
eyes, knowing me and all my faults, and still choosing me. Another girl would have gladly
filled my place and yet somewhere along the way, Edward had deemed me worthy. He made
every inch of me feel interesting as he moved and caressed, tickled and groped.
I tried to hold on to the feeling, I never wanted it to stop but our bodies sped up and the
pleasure foiled me and before I knew it, the act was over. Edward pulled off me and curled
me into his side. I waited for the insecurity to return, for something to wreck the moment.
Instead, I felt safe and loved.
I raised my head and looked at Edward. Sweat had glued some of his hair to his forehead, his
cheeks were rosy with exertion, and he looked beautiful. He gave me a smiled that warmed
my heart and then he said the most beautiful words in the world.
"I love you, Bella Swan."
My mouth fell open and I watched him watch me. His face held no expectations, he didn't
care if I said it back, and he looked content for me just to know.
"I love you, too."
I knew then we could be as screwed up as we wanted because it wasn't our perfections that
brought us together, it was our faults. Both of us had our darkness, but we were each other's
light.
EPOV
As we finished the summer, I would love to have said we were either cured or stable or
whatever the shrink talk is for us, but we weren't. Bella still had episodes and I still had the
occasional problem being touched, never by Bella, though. She could touch me as much as
she liked. The thing was we were dealing with it together. We even had the occasional session
with Zafrina together.
I sat in the chair with my arm extended as the overly muscled and hairy man etched into my
skin. Jane was the only one I told about this excursion, and even though she told me the stats
on relationships lasting at our age, I think she thought it was a little romantic. She had been
starting to soften up since her and Eleazar had become a steady couple. I had barely heard the
guy speak thirty words but he seemed to have a positive effect on Jane. Bella would always
laugh when I said that but would never tell me why.
"There you go, buddy," the tattoo artist said, placing a covering over the fresh ink.
"Thanks man," I replied and headed out to pay.
I wandered back to campus and walked along the path to the Quad. My life had changed so
much in the last year. I had, simultaneously, the best and worst year of my life, and that was
just the summer.
I saw my usual gang under our tree and headed over to them. Kate and Garrett were
discussing the latest Harry Potter movie and I raised my eyebrows, thinking Bella may have
rounded out more than just me. Jane sat beside Eleazar with just their hands touching on the
ground.
"Hey," I said, sitting down.
"Edward," Garrett said looking up, "check this out."
He tossed a paper at me and it landed by my legs. I picked it up and scanned the headlines,
wondering what I was looking for.
Then I spotted it.
Local Woman Arrested with Date Rape Drugs
22 year old Lauren Mallory was pulled over on Friday night under the suspicions of drunk
driving. The police found excessive amounts of the drug Lorazepam, a commonly used date
rape drug in her possession.
There have been three victims to step forward at this time. If you have any further information
regarding this case, please contact your local authorities.
"Holy shit."
I could feel the anxiety rise inside me and I immediately looked up toward the table where
Bella and her friends had sat all last year. A different group of students were there and my
breathing picked up. I closed my eyes and tried to regulate the feeling. I vaguely made out the
voices of my friends asking if I was okay but it was a soft hand on my shoulder that brought
me back.
I looked up as Bella sunk down next to me on the ground.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
"No," I answered honestly, "but I will be."
~~~~~~~AvsC~~~~~~
"I have a surprise for you," I said, and Bella looked up at me from her bed curiously.
"Oh yeah?" I unzipped my hoodie and started to pull it off. "As nice as that is, Edward, it's not
much of a surprise anymore."
"Har har," I said over her chuckles. It had been hard to keep the tattoo a secret from her, to
give it a chance to heal, but it was worth it.
Her breath caught on an inhale as she looked at the lettering on my wrist. One wrist had my
original tattoo, and on the other, it simply said Ma Bella. Held together, they read, My Bella,
someone worth waiting for.
She leapt off the bed and was in my arms in seconds. We made love slowly and methodically.
Neither of us made promises of forever because we weren't sure if we could hold to that. We
both still had so many problems but we were going to try and tackle them together, because
isn't an army of two better than one?
I contacted the local police and rehashed my story about my abuse. A couple of the police
officers on the case had the good sense to look a little ashamed for not helping me more the
first time around. It would be a long while before the trial would happen and it was still
possible she could cop a plea bargain and never see the inside of a courtroom, but I hoped that
would not be the case.
There were a total of five guys, other than me, to step forward saying Lauren had raped them.
Hearing their stories had helped me cope with my own guilt and pain but it was Bella who
had helped me even more. When I felt guilty for feeling lucky because I hadn't been fully
raped like the others, she talked me down. I battled with feelings I couldn't even describe
because I suddenly felt like I wasn't special. Lauren hadn't just wanted me so bad she went to
any length she could to have me, she just liked the thrill. And then I had a nearly crushing
depression that followed, because how could I even care when she had abused me?
The future was uncertain but I couldn't help but always find my way back to the center. Bella
was what grounded me, and some days I needed her more than others, but I wanted her every
day. I wanted her gentle touch, her quick sense of humor, and her sweet kisses.
I no longer felt incompatible with Bella. I never questioned why she would be with someone
like me. Had I knocked her down off a pedestal I put up, or was it because I just gave up
fighting what was unexplainable but so real?
What is attraction? What is compatibility, really? Is it shared interests? Or maybe it stems
from shared experiences. You can have attraction without compatibility, but can you be
compatible without attraction? I'm not sure the answers can ever be clear cut. The only thing I
am certain is that if I am not compatible with Bella Swan, then I am not compatible with
anyone.
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