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I’m Not That Kind of Woman E-book
Forget about a goddess - Bring out the Hottie in you!
www.notthatkindofwoman.com
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info@notthatkindofwoman.com
www.notthatkindofwoman.blogspot.com
- blog
www.myspace/notthatkindofwomanmusic
- music
by Nicole Gayle
© 2008 Nicole Gayle - All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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DISCLAIMER AND TERMS OF USE AGREEMENT:
By reading this e-book, you agree to all of the following:
You understand this to be an expression of opinion and not legal or
professional advice. The information contained in this e-book is strictly for
educational/entertainment purposes. You are solely responsible for the use
of any of the contents and hold Nicole Gayle,
www.notthatkindofwoman.com, written articles, and the music of Not That
Kind of Woman, harmless in any event or claim.
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I’m Not That Kind of Woman E-book
Introduction
About That Kind of Woman – history, personalities and behaviors
Chapter 1 Feminine Spirit
Chapter 2 Queen Me
Chapter 3 Are you ready?
Chapter 4 Let’s go for a test drive
Chapter 5 Women’s lib and how men work
Chapter 6 Our Girls
Chapter 7 Your sexual IQ
Chapter 8 Taking Sex into a higher zone
Chapter 9 Chemistry: The important 3D
Chapter 10 Caught up in the movies?
Chapter 11 Space, the necessary frontier
Chapter 12 What to do when you meet a man like my cable guy – mercy!
Chapter 13 Date outside the bedroom
Chapter 14 How to up the SEXY!
Chapter 15 How to understand Manglish
Chapter 16 Turn yourself on and a man will be turned on by you.
Chapter 17 The Happy Ones
Chapter 18 How to show a man you’re interested
Chapter 19 How NOT to prepare for a date
Chapter 20 The calling game
Chapter 21 Last minutes dates and leaving your calendar open for him
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Chapter 22 What to do when you’re just getting to know him
Chapter 23 How to put a man in overdrive
Chapter 24 If the relationship is progressing
Chapter 25 If you’re dating and his calls starts to decline
Chapter 26 Going into his den
Chapter 27 Having him over
Chapter 28 If the relationship is not right for you
Chapter 29 You thought it was going great and he ends it
Chapter 30 Stop dating him if…
Chapter 31 The Big Bad “M”
Chapter 32 Blame him no more
Chapter 33 Banish That Kind of Woman and awaken to Queen
Chapter 34 Taking dating to the next level
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Ladies,
I’m not about to tell you how to seduce a man. You’ve probably heard
enough about the kinds of kinky, conniving, and God forbid wacky things
that you should do in order to make men succumb to you. Even if you’ve
been there and done that, you may still find yourself lonely at nights wishing
that you had more than your sheets wrapped around you.
No doubt you’ve read plenty of women’s magazines telling you that your
sexuality is wrapped up in being 5' 8," 108lbs, zero cellulite, inflated boobs
and legs that go on forever. We’ve been taught that men want a seductive
and sexually generous woman and many have fallen into the trap of using
their bodies to go fishing. There is a cultural message that women should no
longer have restraints when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. We
are to be super-charged, aggressive, and exercise our sexual rights - now that
we are free, we should do whatever we want with our bodies.
But does this type of mentality really work with men? Do men really want
the take-charge, sexually generous image that we see everyday? My answer
is no. Men love to look at the object of a sexually powerful woman and
some may not even mind having some free for all non-committed friends
with benefits sex, but when it comes to dating, real men want quality women
- women they can truly respect.
So bow out of buying into the image or trying to portray this in your
relationships with men because we’re being sold a lie. The objective is the
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make a whole crap load of money by continually trying to get you and me to
believe that we should use our bodies to get men to want us. This is what
we’re being sold. Think about it, if you’re consistently told that they have
the answers then you won’t know who you are and what you want.
The answers are within you. You actually have a biological guide – an
instinctive ability to exude a natural feminine charm that will cause men to
find you irresistible because this is the kind of grace that awakens a man’s
inner desire to capture a woman’s heart. You have what it takes to exude a
level of confidence that will influence the right man - but it is not about
using your sex, it’s about harnessing your feminine energy and allowing
your values to flow from it.
There’s a lot of pressure to be an easy, cheesy, desperate woman. Here’s
what women are told to do:
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Dress seductively so he’ll notice you.
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Be overt about your interest.
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Give him lots of attention.
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Respond to everything he does to let him know you are interested.
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Ask him out or ask for his number.
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Wait by the phone for him to call you.
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Always be available for dates.
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Don’t have an opinion. Just get along to keep him.
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Arrange to hook up or have sex on the first, second or third date.
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If you are dating, give him regular sex.
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Take your relationship to the next level by having the “talk” about
your future together.
•
If you’ve been dating for a while, test the waters before marriage by
shacking up.
If you do not know how to use your influence, you will more than likely fail
at having a long-term commitment. You just want to meet the right man but
you wont find him if you’re using a made-up version of femininity. When
all of the headlines scream “Give him great sex!” you should make him
work to win your heart and hold your sex for when he is really your Prince
Charming. A man does not become your “man” until he’s hooked on you
and don’t ever want to let you go.
“Hey, wait a minute, are you suggesting that I deny my need to have sexual
pleasure?” Not forever, just while you’re dating. Come into alignment with
your feminine spirit by attracting a man who deserves you enough to
actually work to get to know the real you. Not the part of you that goes,
“Oh, baby, please don’t stop!” You may be wondering, “Well if I shouldn’t
give him sex, what should I give him?” You don’t owe men sex. There
must be more that you have to offer men other than your body.
This is a bold move for women who desire to function from a greater place
of self empowerment - understanding that a woman’s value and worth is far
beyond sexual encounters without the promise of a permanent commitment.
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An open letter to single, unattached, unmarried men,
You may have heard about this book and your curiosity got the better of you
so you bought it to see what it’s all about. You may be looking for your
dream girl. She’s the kind of woman who is different. She respects herself.
She’s easy going, not easy. When you think about what you want from this
woman, some of the qualities are: fun, unpredictable, respectful, elusive,
sensitive, caring, kind, sexy, and keeps you on your toes. You want to be
attracted to more than her body and you are looking for the opportunity to
spend the rest of your life making her happy.
Your chemistry with her is incredible. You want to touch, hold, and make
love to her. You may have heard me suggest that you should pursue her but
she should make you wait and you hate the thought of this because you love
sex. If you’re being honest, you’ll readily admit that you wouldn’t drive a
used car that’s on its way to the junk yard. Deep down on the inside, you
want a classy woman and you know that if you met the kind of woman who
makes your dreams come true, you’ll do just about anything for her.
So this book was written with you in mind. In fact, it’s a manual to help
your dream girl know how to awaken your desire to pursue her. There are
plenty of smart women waiting for a quality man who wants a long-term
commitment, but plenty won’t settle for any man. So brave the elements to
find the right woman and discover that she’s everything you’ve longed for.
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Introduction
“Chasing a man is inferior to a woman because she is precious. It is for
the man to desire her with such intensity that he is willing to spend
himself pursuing her.”
- My Dad
This book is a fresh new dating manual to help you possess an enlightened
degree of self respect but I need to warn you that it may not be for everyone.
Who am I and what qualifies me to write a book with such a bold title? I am
not a Therapist or Doctor but someone who has drawn on my past
relationship mistakes in order to help you date smart. We’ve all had our
share of mistakes with men but there’s still the possibility to find the kind of
love that lasts – because this is what you truly deserve.
That Kind of Woman defined:
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She pursues men (asks a man on a date, tries to have the relationship
talk, makes excuses for men, convinces a man to stay with her, or
does most of the work in her relationship.)
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She settles for a long-term relationship without marriage.
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She has sex with men she dates.
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She is a friend with benefits or continues to have sex with her EX.
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She engages in different types of sexual acts with no strings attached.
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She prepares herself to have sexual encounters with men by buying
condoms/lingerie prior to having a night out.
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She uses sex to keep men.
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She rarely goes out on dates because of man phobia.
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She feels she’s nothing without a man and tolerate disrespect.
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She does not feel good about herself unless she’s in a relationship
with a man.
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She has poor self esteem.
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She is a doormat, becomes needy, insecure and clingy when she’s
in/out of a relationship.
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She has no respect for men.
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She shacks up with her boyfriend while telling herself and others that
it doesn’t matter if she gets married or hopes that this is one step
towards marriage.
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She is a drama Queen – aka, head case when a man rejects her or
she’s not having her way.
If you’re like me, you want a quality man to fall in love and commit to being
with you forever. Most men will postpone their desire to commit and I will
show you why the modern trends towards dating may hinder your chances of
having a quality relationship that lasts and how to live like a secure
bombshell!
A quality man wants more than dealing with a feminist game, a materialistic
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prom Queen, a desperate ditto, or a woman gone psycho. I’ve heard men
say that they are sick of broken women who end up being so bitter that they
can’t respect men. There are plenty of great men around who want to pursue
you and take the role of the initiator in developing a relationship. As you
continue reading, you will understand why a woman’s lib intellectually
superior “bitch chick” attitude or being a man’s doormat will get you no
where.
This is a manual about dating smart. The “Smart Woman” is a confident,
secure woman who dates around without sleeping around. She understands
how to bring out “the chase” in a man by making him work to win her heart
and knows how to continually respond in ways that keeps his interest.
She is not in a hurry to secure a relationship with the primary goal of
needing a boyfriend like a school girl in wonderland as if not having one
makes her incomplete. She respects herself and demands more. She walks
with a certainty about who she is even if she is still on a personal journey of
self discovery.
She does not play wife or try to convince men that she’s a good wife-to-be.
She is not living in a delusional fantasy girly world while throwing away her
very precious life in order for a relationship to validate her worth. She has a
life - her own!
The principles that I have written about in this book will only work for you
if you are ready to understand how to build the kind of sexual tension and
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emotional connection with a man that makes a relationship work for you.
Dating smart is about using your influence so the right man will want you
with an intense longing because you have driven him crazy and he can’t get
you out of his mind.
Men are sitting around waiting for their souls to fire up for a special kind of
woman. This kind of woman is always on his mind because she makes him
yearn for her with longing to discover all of her wondrous womanly
mystique – this kind of feminine aura has everything to do with your
essence.
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About That Kind of Woman – history, personalities, and behaviors
The media driven sexual woman and those who follow her
Whether you turn your TV on, look at the cover of a magazine, browse the
internet, know of friends or practice sleeping around, the way women relate
to men today have changed significantly. The media driven sexual woman
looks like a “ho” while calling it feminine - a tramp one minute and a pretty
girl the next. Being all dolled up at times and at other times looking like a
quote “slut.” She acts like a bitch and call it liberation. She’s the Drama
Queen who torture men with her insecurities and the doormat who is like a
scrawny piece of twig ready to snap under pressure.
She shows up in tough girl movies with guns kicking butt using her
sexuality to promote violence. Miss push up bra, low cut tops that lead to
the underworld, not to mention Miss thong. She gives the appearance of
sophistication but she uses her body to entertain men. She’s the middle of
the road girl next door who accepts Playboy ideals. Selling sex, pushing
sex, wanting sex, talking sex - women are primed to appeal to a man’s sex
using their own.
Some of the headlines used to appeal to women:
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“Six great ways to turn him on.”
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“5 positions that will make him go wild.”
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“The perfect orgasm.”
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“Sex skills women want.”
The plastic version of the real thing with implants in every part of her that
curves is a fantasy so men treat her like one. Men don’t have to be
accountable to a fantasy, they don’t have to care. A fantasy does not have
feelings, it feeds his desires. The “I’m equal to you so treat me that way”
attitude is the voice of a nag so he doesn’t have to respect that. Acting like
our bodies are not attached to our hearts will make men sick of eating crap.
Hanging hoops off of your breast will cause him to treat you like a cow.
When men are exposed to fantasy ideals 24/7, they are looking at and
dealing with a fake. The trumped up super sexualized woman is a fake –
enhanced hair, enhanced boobs, enhanced hips and lips, everything about her
is on steroids. She was invented to mimic the real deal and many of us have
followed in her steps leading us to not getting the respect we deserve.
What’s wrong with the soft, feminine, and graceful woman? She’s thrown
out because she was imprisoned by men and replaced by a skanky,
sexualized, confused, career driven, don’t want kids to interfere, booty girl
who watches romantic comedies, soap operas, and mimics everything she
sees.
We can’t bash men for what we give them. We have created an appetite for
it and only we can change that. Please, dear sisters, not in the way the
crazed feminists did – exposing themselves, advocating free sex, and being a
demanding wrench.
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Could it be that there is a deeper message behind men calling women “Ho's”
in today’s pop culture? Have they used the trend that makes women out to
be sex objects and created their own version of who they think we are
because we done told them what they should think of us?
It is no surprise that our mothers and grandmothers weren’t labeled “Ho’s”
but the toleration and accommodation of “sexually generous bitch chicks”
has held the door wide open.
The Insecure, broken woman
A broken woman usually begins a pattern of bleeding from her soul in her
childhood and if not dealt with, she lives as a victim who cries herself to
sleep at nights. Whether she’s 20 or 50, she feels sorry for herself, blames
men for her misfortunes, and believes others have a special sort of
entitlement that causes them to have decent relationships with men. This
sort of woman could be highly educated or never finished high school, may
be rich or poor, may have children, or childless. What leaks from her is
bleeding heart.
She usually gets on a high with a man - her drug of choice – abandons her
self respect and the people who care about her the most. While she is in a
relationship, she does not have the security of true love and most often fear
rejection and abandonment. Her motto is: “He’s gonna be different this
time.” She believes that a man will finally see how much love she deserves
and treat her like gold so she will tolerate disrespect or do all of the work in
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her relationships.
Using her body to plug up the spaces while holding out for men to love and
want her, she gives, mothers, and rationalizes for men. She has
accommodated years of disrespect and have been in and out with men. She
gets treated like a doormat because she attracts unhealthy men, becomes
angry and resentful while she continues the cycle of wanting the love and
attention from men who can’t give it to her. Her heart is not continually
broken by men, it was already broke. Men just walked in her broken spaces
and demanded to have room there. She welcomes it because she does not
choose to live whole.
She lives powerless so that she does not have to be accountable for her
choices nor do the work to heal her soul. She loves to be pitied when she is
hurt, is a rescuer, waits for men, pursues men, and does all of the work to
hold on to what she has.
If you this describes you, stop the abuse in your life by seeking professional
and spiritual help to start on a journey of inner healing. The kinds of men
you may be attracting are responding to your pain. It’s not really about your
outer world; it’s your inner world that needs change.
The Desperate Woman
The desperate woman may not appear to be insecure but on the inside, she’s
loaded with a need to have men “super-size it.” She’ll make her intentions
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obvious right off the bat. Before the guy’s even finished his sentence, she
interrupts with a yes. This reminds me of a recent Cinderella movie I was
watching with my daughter. The Step Sister’s Mom tricked the Prince into
proposing and before he was finished asking, she already said yes.
If you’re a DM, you may be chasing a man who’s left you, or holding out for
another woman’s man. You jump at the opportunity to use your liberal
rights to be the “man” instead of waiting to be swept off of your feet. You
will not bother to use your mind to influence a man and you may be the gal
who has been with a man for years without any real sign of a permanent
commitment.
When a DM meets a man, he’s flattered by her attention and may politely
“get along”. She doesn’t allow a man to be awakened to truly pursue her.
Confusing a man’s interest in her for a long term relationship, she may give
him sex to secure a position in his heart. The man hasn’t even taken off. He
is still circling the runway but she is proclaiming her love for him on
network cable and TV. She becomes obvious in her intentions way too
quickly and hangs onto his every breath when she is around him.
If he calls once, she responds by consistently calling him. She wants to hear
his voice so she hijacks him by talking on the phone about what happened
when she was 4 because she’s caught up and wants to hurry the process. It
has to be quick. It has to be hot. It has to be like she sees it in the movies.
Now baby!
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She may see him every day of the week, anytime, and anywhere he wants to.
He’s just buying his time until he gets what is expected. Sooner or later
she’ll surprise him with the sexy lingerie that she went out and bought for
$300 - just for him.
Maybe she’s known him three weeks, but she’s telling her girlfriends that
this is definitely “The One” - the girlfriends whom she hasn’t seen in a while
because she hopped on the man plane and took off. She goes on and on
about him been so sweet, the amazing sex they had, how much they have in
common; not knowing that he may have had too much too soon and is
subconsciously pulling away. She hints at a relationship by asking him how
he feels about her, putting the man on the spot and him feeling like he’s
trapped by the West Nile Witch.
Whenever she calls him, he checks his call display and ignores her because
he’s over saturated by her. If you’re dating a man and you won’t keep out of
his face, he’ll tell you to get out by never calling you again. Then he’ll
think, “Sure glad I got rid of that!”
The Other Woman and Benefits
The other woman wants to feel special at all cost so she’ll put her life on
hold waiting for or accommodating a man - possibly years - or she’ll be the
pawn that a man uses to fill up his ego. She gets a high off of a man’s
attention and promises – when he’s around - so she gives herself by letting
men do as they please with her. She’ll accept a man who’s left his
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wife/girlfriend to be with her. She’s a “fill in” as the girlfriend for a man
who is attached to another woman or he may still be emotionally attached to
his past, rebounds to her, or play the field until he finds something else.
She settles for the attention she gets along with the promises that she’s
special. If you fall in this category, he’ll just keep telling you “You’re
special.” Of course you’re special - you’re so special to him because you
will meet his needs by being especially foolish. A woman who loves
herself already knows she’s special and will demand more from a man.
If you are being a “fill in” and come in contact with the man’s past somehow
– whether it’s his EX girlfriend/wife and there is still conflict, you need to
shut up and leave the man’s past alone. Don’t fight for a man, let the man
fight his battles and resolve whatever issues he may have with his ex or kids.
Definitely don’t pretend that you are a really nice woman in love – his kids
will not need you for a role model. When you act as if you’re nice to his
kids in order for him to stay with you, his kids do not deserve that. You
need to win some battles from within because he’s having you as a
temporary fix.
You’re still the other woman if a man leaves his wife/girlfriend for you
because he was attached to someone when you came along or maybe you
were like a little puppy dog waiting around for your chance. Insecure men
who give up on their relationships by emotionally checking out may still
want to keep power by controlling their EX. He may use you to have power
over his ex-wife/girlfriend by trying to flaunt “the new girlfriend” card in
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order to make his EX jealous and women who play dumb sit there feeling
like the most special thing in the world. If the EX got her some respect and
stopped being the “loser doormat” he may try one thing after another to get
her attention. He’ll most likely tell you what you want to hear. He’ll say
he’s not the bad guy, his EX is a Witch and of course it was all her fault.
You are continually putting a huge dagger in your heart because you don’t
love yourself enough to demand being with a whole, healthy person who
deserves being with someone who’s unattached. Some women are crooks
who manipulate men in their direction – away from their girlfriends/wives.
And it’s just as much the man’s fault. These women are easy, they have
jacked up power, and the men who want to be filled up by them know this.
A man who uses these kinds of situation for his advantage will do so for a
variety of reasons but can never in his right mind want to really want the
woman. I did say in his right mind, OK – meaning, having real character
and integrity. So he’ll more than likely turn around whether it’s a few
months or a few years and do the same thing.
If you are the other woman or a friend with benefits then you too need to
stop bleeding. So go find yourself some help and leave men alone for a
while. Fight for your dignity and pride.
The Party, One Night Stander, and Promiscuous Girl
The party girl is a pleasure centered woman who goes into overdrive every
time she sees a man. She could be in her 40's and still loves to party. There’s
nothing scarier than an older woman who forgot that she’s no longer a
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teenager. The party girl does not mind if men see her scanty, drunk, drugged
up, and out of her mind because this is the only way she can feel
comfortable with herself and get attention from men.
A woman who is a practicing one night stander often finds herself in the
doctor’s office checking for deadly diseases and requesting the morning
after pill or she may even abort her baby if she’s pregnant. She freaks out
when reality hits her that she’s been with a man who could be her last sexual
encounter then she panics by making sure that she takes care of her mistake
only to fall for Mr. Wrong again.
The promiscuous woman wants to be noticed and uses her body to find love.
She is the “used girl” who sleeps with every Joe on the go. She is an
emotionally desperate convenient standby who may not have received
healthy attention from male role models earlier on and discovered that her
body is what gets her attention. She falls in and out of love with great speed
and ride the emotional waves of never feeling enough. She has had
countless sexual encounters and a pattern of emotional, verbal, physical and
psychological abuse by men. She’s addicted to pain.
There comes a time when a woman needs to stop buying condoms with the
excuse that she needs to be prepared for sex just in case. If you’ve made up
in your mind that you will carry yourself with dignity and self respect, then
there is no reason to carry condoms. You just don’t get yourself into those
types of situation in the first place. A man cannot respect you if you come
prepared to get laid. It’s not like he’s going to think about you being a fine
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woman when he sees the condoms you’ve stacked away in your purse and
flicks one out to put on him. He’ll just think that this is what you do - then
do you and leave.
The Domineering aka “bitch” Woman
This type of woman acts like a machine. She carries a gun [chip on her
shoulder] about how men should treat her and live most of her life trying to
demand a man’s respect. Men don’t quite know how to respond to her. If
he opens up a car door, she thinks he’s being old fashioned. If he makes an
innocent joke, she fires on about him being a sexist. She doesn’t know how
to be treated like a lady. She makes the fact that she doesn’t need a man
loud and clear but she’ll sleep with a man while behaving like a drill
sergeant in bed, “Give me 1000 push-ups, now!”
She is proudly independent, usually career driven, and ultra stuck in being
anti-maternal. She gives off the message that she is not in the mood to have
a whole bunch of crying, whining babies hang off of her hips.
She gives men ultimatums, is a punisher, and carries an obvious blatant
disrespect. She will bash men and stereotype them into her frame of
reference because she believes that women should use men. She’ll most
likely grow old, bitter, and alone because she’d rather rule men than having
to surrender her control.
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The long-term girl friend and shacking up
This woman moves in with a man and acts like his wife. She plays house.
She is normalized to think that there’s nothing wrong when a man does not
make a permanent commitment to her. She settles from the start with a
belief that she and her boyfriend are committed to each other and this
commitment is confirmed by them living together, “See, he really loves me.”
You’ll often hear her telling you that she’s redefining what it means to be
married. Although she hears of women who fall into her category often
divorcing sooner than women who choose not to live with a man before
marriage, she refuses to believe that she is that statistic.
If she’s the kind who wants marriage, she’ll wait for a long time. She is the
type who mothers a man, nurtures him, and waits for the magical day that he
will “get” it. Special days like her birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas Day
may come and go without a ring. How disappointing!
Here are her statements of denial:
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“He’s not sure yet.”
•
“We wanted to live together first.”
•
“He’s afraid of commitment.”
•
“He’s had a bad marriage/girlfriend.”
•
“He’s has a lot on his plate.”
•
“He’s waiting for his divorce.”
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•
“He’s going through a lot a work.”
•
“He has a financially difficult situation.”
She’ll help a man build his life but of course she doesn’t want to have kids
yet because they are not married - that would be a disgrace. Her biological
clock ticks away as she waste yet another year hoping that her boyfriend will
understand how much she loves him and wants to marry him. She
complains to her girlfriends and blames him.
Sometimes she waits so long that she ends up being way past her desired
years to conceive causing her to become angry and resentful. She’s the kind
who also mothers her boyfriend’s children from his previous relationships
with none of her own. She’ll put up because her living arrangement gives
her the security of her boyfriend wanting her forever.
The three dates then I’ll get laid Woman
This kind of woman acts super classy at first so that she can give the
appearance that she’s not easy but then, easy does it and the man’s got her
conquered in just three dates.
After sleeping with her date, she may still try to keep up the act by being
sweet and fun. She doesn’t want to put any pressure on her date, but the
more sex she has with him, the more connected she becomes which causes
her to attach herself to him with the hopes that he’s going to want more out
of the um, relation.
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Her man may become unmotivated to continue pursuing her because the real
challenge is gone. She may try to jump start his desire by moving towards
him, calling to see if he’s OK, suggesting they go to catch a movie, or
coming to her place. She confuses the sex – the pleasure she is getting and
giving for the real deal. This kind of woman won’t get a call back or worst;
have her date end it via email or a text message.
She’s shocked because the sex seemed so great. She believed they hit it off
when she only experienced the lyrics in a song that goes something like this,
“Hit me baby, one more time!”
“He’s Always Mr. Right.” Woman
Some women are always in love with the idea of being in love. The “always
Mr. Right” woman thinks every guy she meets is the one.
She may spend her time watching bride to be shows on TV and hours on the
internet - on a mission to FIND Mr. Right. She may grow angry and
resentful while her biological clock ticks away. She reads her books and
magazines on topics like:
•
“How to make a man marry you.”
•
“How to make him fall in love.”
•
“How to catch him.”
•
“How to be irresistible to a man.”
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She’s the kind of woman that we do not like for a girlfriend when she meets
a man because she’s actually addicted to falling in love. She’ll turn into his
mother by cooking meals, running errands, checking up on him at work,
doing favors, being a “yes” girl etc. She’ll ask questions like, “Where do we
stand?” or “How do you feel about us?”
After having sex, she looks for him to call, care and continue the pursuit.
When he does not meet her expectations, she goes off the deep end by
plunging into despair wondering what it is she did that made him lose
interest. Settling for love “now” is her philosophy. Instead of making men
wait, men will make her wait and may even have her in the “last minute
dates” category. Men do not hear the word “No” from this kind of woman.
Never married with children Woman
A man would prefer to shack up without kids being involved because he’s
getting free regular dependable sex, a home cooked meal, and a roof over his
head where he shares half the rent without having to share his time with his
woman and kids. It’s his dream world. If children are involved, this
changes everything.
The never married with children may live with her man, set up house, and
put up with the father of her children having no interest in marrying her.
If you’re this kind of woman, your man wants to be free to do what he wants
while you hold the relationship together by a thread. You’ve allowed him to
take up all of your emotional space. He’ll think you’ll never leave because
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you’ve already communicated this by your actions. You’re “old
dependable.”
If the two of you do not live together, he’ll love you for being his 3am booty
call girl because you’re convinced it’s better than nothing. This better than
nothing belief gains you nothing but more tears, loneliness, and a poor self
worth. He has other priorities, keep telling you by his actions that you don’t
matter but you still find yourself settling for keeping the connection alive by
remaining friends. He sees you as a really good friend who can give him a
“good screw” and he knows that you can’t survive without him.
This is why you can’t seem to feel good about yourself. You only feel good
because he’s remaining in your life on his terms but deep on the inside it’s
your self hate and disgust that you fear so you turn to him. You’ve tried to
talk him into loving you and more than likely negotiated the relationship a
long time ago with the key fact that you don’t have any self respect.
Renegotiate by moving on and creating a healthy life. Having your
children’s father involved doesn’t have to mean him having you for his
midnight snack. You’d be surprised how you could receive the love and
support of a good man who really wants to treat you like a Queen.
Women who tolerate the creeps, cads, and men who cheat
Ms. Toleration will have a man thinking that she will take him back anyhow
and anyway. She puts up with trash, fixes a man’s mistakes, and accepts
blatant disrespect. She dates men who are so famous that they have their
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own talk show. They have women all over talking about how much of
@#$% they are.
If you’re this kind, you’ll appeal to a man’s physical needs in order for him
to want you. He’ll flirt with you, make his words like honey, but everything
he does is about him. This kind of man won’t risk for you. He won’t lay his
life down. He just wants you to satisfy him and is grossly self obsessed. He
would rather use a “good enough” woman instead of going to the red light
district to pick up a prostitute.
The creep has character leaks but you have your blinders on. He’ll swear up
and down that he’s not cheating on you even when you have the evidence.
You may have threatened him many times about leaving, but he knows
you’re not going anywhere. He thinks you don’t have the guts. He talks to
his buddies about how stupid you are because you give him permission to do
other women and still take him back. He’s got it made and he knows it so he
walks around like he’s God’s gift to you. He may even become verbally or
physically abusive along with the way he psychologically controls you. He
already knows you’ve made your life about him and exactly what to do to
keep you on your belly.
The woman who shuts sexy down
She’s not a sexually generous woman but I had to include her because she’s
definitely unlike That Kind of Woman. If you’re this woman, you don’t
believe in “sexy.” Sexy is a sin and you may have stumbled across this book
but decided to read it while secretly cussing me out. Your sexuality is so
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repressed that you can’t even feel a turn on. You are genuinely afraid of
men and believe that they are good for only one thing.
You have a fear of intimacy and try to protect yourself at all costs. If a man
tries to get close, you treat him like he’s got the plague. You subconsciously
put up walls and you’ll try to change the subject when women are talking
about men.
You may have had an abusive past that numbed your feminine spirit,
paralyzed by the pain of a broken heart or taught that being a sexy woman is
for the kinds of women who walk the streets. The thought of dating has a
way of making you feel like you need to go to the emergency ward at a
hospital.
The woman who hasn’t dated in years or don’t believe in dating
If you’re this kind of woman, you may sit home wondering why men don’t
want to be with you or expect that Prince Charming is going to fall out of the
sky to come rescue you from your single curse.
You’re always single, no one ever sees you with a man, even though you
like men - you have the title of being “man-less.” You secretly hope to be in
a relationship but you just don’t get yourself in the dating mood because you
may define being with men as having sex with men.
You may have become a green eyed monster, full of envy or jealous of
friends who are in relationships and also wonder why you can’t seem to find
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anyone. You’ve grown comfortable yet alone. Days may go by when you
long to have a companion but he’s just supposed to show up like a Genie in
a bottle.
You may have a long, unbearable, list of qualities you want in a man so
unrealistic not even God could tell you any different. God hasn’t even made
words that you have on your list. It’s your way of making sure that your
dream or should I say, delusions of a greater kind will cause you to be up
above the rest.
There are quality men, but they do come with plenty of flaws, kinda like the
ones you and I’ve got.
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Chapter 1 - Feminine Spirit
Any man can respond to a scantily dressed woman but it takes a real woman
to influence a man’s heart to sing. Feminine grace is more than your sex,
shoes, hips, and thighs - it’s definitely not about your cleavage. You may
reach for a magazine because it claims that it can help you flatten your
tummy or get a certain look but it can’t teach you how to possess this kind of
strength. In order to get this strength, you have to learn how to surrender
and come into alignment with your true feminine spirit.
Which means your feminine spirit must understand its true purpose. It is not
to dominate or lead men. Women have been told that it’s OK to take the
lead in order to secure dates but this will turn men off - and rightly so. Men
love the chase, and when it comes to dating they want to take the lead. Let a
man take the lead by respecting the masculine energy instead of competing
with it. Understand how it is made to compliment the female energy.
When you practice surrender, you appreciate and live from your feminine
charm that naturally awakens a man’s inner world. It is balancing your
appeal, grace, beauty, kindness, honesty, inner strength, softness, self
respect, confidence, and self love. It is about being centered and self-
assured - strong but gentle.
This thing about you that you need to live from should never be
compromised in order to make a man want you. When you see a woman
who exudes this, she’s so sexy, so irresistible that she calls you up to this
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place and drives men flat out crazy. She’s the sort of woman who is so
unforgettable because she burns an impression of herself on a man’s brain.
Her enlightened self respect is a place where a hard core man bully could
never get to because she’s busy trying to cut men down.
There is no doubt that there is a militant feminist agenda among some
women with the intention of undermining men, grouping them in one
category, while focusing on bad qualities in order to feel superior. This is
not what true feminine strength does. The feminine spirit loves the
masculine strength because they’re made for each other. They dance in
unison. So practice appreciating the strength of a man and respecting how’s
he’s truly made without thinking surrender will cause you to be a doormat -
a doormat really does not understand her true identity.
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Chapter 2 - Queen Me
You were born a Queen and given a royal destiny. It doesn’t matter how
you got here, you have the power to choose whether you will manifest your
royal purpose. You may have had a difficult childhood, faced hardship, have
a poor education, improvised, or maybe no one ever treated you like a
Queen. Maybe you have always done what you thought you were supposed
to do and accepted a lifestyle that catered to mediocrity. Maybe you have
desires, hopes, and dreams and you just don’t know how to accomplish
them. We are given the responsibility to be accountable to a greater purpose
and we must seek to see our lives unfold in the ways it was meant to be.
A woman who seeks to live like a Queen may fall along the way but she is
determined to win despite her inner struggles and outward battles
circumstance. She struggles through her flaws, fights to win the battles
within, reaches up for help, and pursues greater self awareness. She desires
to make a difference in the world around her.
That Kind of Woman accepts that she’s just good enough. Deep inside she
may want to change but fear or pride prevents her from discovery. She may
not want to give up her false power and seek to hold onto a title that she
feels defines her. Sometimes there are circumstances that come as a gift to
lift her up to her royal status but she would rather be controlled by her outer
world instead of learning to rule from within.
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It’s not wise to tell a man like a drill sergeant that you don’t believe in being
easy. The last thing I want is to be responsible for a bunch of groupie chicks
waging a war on men. You don’t have to say a thing. You show a man
what your values are by your actions. Men respond to what women do.
When you make the right decisions then you are able to navigate your way
through getting to know your date without the pressures of being put in a
position that you may not be ready for.
If the topic comes up you could say, “We’re having so much fun getting to
know each other and I’d prefer to wait.” That’s all. Repeat if needed but
more than likely, a man wont keep bringing it up for fear that you might lose
interest in him. The canine types will run for the nearest exit when they
figure out you’re not in a hurry to give it up.
Some women believe in dictatorship. They have the urge to control other
people’s lives but if you’re a bossy nag, men will run. Being Mother Hen,
who likes to cuddle, feed, and burp a man, will also push him away. The
key is to be in control of you. Wear the title, “I’m the Boss of me.” You’re
choosing how you’ll respond by being someone who values yourself over
accepting less. That Kind of Woman fantasizes how her relationship with a
man will play out. She puts herself in a man’s heart and finds herself in bed
choosing to live outside the Castle instead. If you choose to live like a
Queen, then your spirit will connect with a man who is King.
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Chapter 3 – Are you ready?
Have you sat down and thought about whether you are really ready to be in a
relationship? Have you taken your gift of “singleness” to work on your
inner world so that you can sustain the weight of a relationship?
There are many women who play hop scotch from one man to the next
because they are using the fantasy of a romantic ideal they learned when
they played with Barbie and Ken. The thought of being alone scares them so
they’d rather put up with “screwed up infatuation” in order to feel complete.
It is not enough to want to be in a relationship, you have to earn the right to
be in a healthy relationship by doing what it takes to grow.
If you haven’t done so already, take the time to educate yourself about how
to have healthy relationships, especially about how to understand men before
you go telling everyone that you’re single and available like a walking
billboard. Some women haven’t grown past the baggy clothes, others are
like leaky condos. Do you truly understand men, how they work and what
makes them tick? Are you capable of meeting a man’s needs or do you want
a lifetime Butler, “Stanley dear?”
Have a working template from which your values flow so that when you
start dating or get seriously involved with a man, you’re not sacrificing your
needs because your emotions have you blinded. When you already have a
template in place, you will bring something to the table. Real men do not
want to deal with incomplete women who are just lost little girls.
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Individuals who are really emotionally mature seek to have spiritual
partnerships with others. In other words, not every man you meet will fit in
the purpose for your life. Some are just for a season. Mr. Right will do more
than rock your world because you were destined to be together.
So you wanna find Mr. Right but are you ready for a spiritual long-term
partnership with all of the responsibilities that come with it?
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Chapter 4 – Let’s go for a test drive
A man thinks of his penis as his wonder wand, his weapon of mass erection,
and his best friend. His physical needs are always on his mind. We
shouldn’t make men look bad for how they’re made. You may not want to
admit this, but men will readily admit that they give the attention, romance,
and gifts because they are biologically wired to want to be inside a woman –
this is the goal. He can be nice, take you on a safari ride, snatch the twinkle
from a star and place them in your eyes, but he’s still a creature of instinct.
It’s what he does with his sex that could make him a Jerk or your Knight in
shining armor.
Understanding a man’s natural drive without thinking he’s a D-O-G is the
first step towards knowing how you can use this to your advantage when you
meet Mr. Potential. The longer you keep a man in the courtship phase of a
relationship without sex, the better off you’ll be. Before sex, a man needs
you more than you need him. If a deeper connection hasn’t been made,
he’ll become like a banana and split after sex.
There are plenty of good men who want more than flipping women like a
hamburger. They are the kind of men that you should have the time of day
for. Men are actually at a disadvantage because they intensely desire sex
and have a drive to conquer. As much as we also love and need sex, we
have the power to decide whether sex will happen. Our biological wiring
helps us to be selective in finding a quality man who’ll cherish us. Help a
man pursue you until he’s emotionally hooked on wanting to be with you
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beyond sex.
When a man meets you, sooner or later he’ll automatically place you in one
of two categories: she’s a girl for now or she could be a keeper. You are
placed in either of these categories based upon how you treat yourself – not
how he treats you. If you are an easy, needy, clingy, can’t-get-him-off-my-
mind-drop-my-girlfriends kind of woman, then he’ll also respond to you in
the same manner. Many women end up calling men jerks precisely because
they have allowed men to treat them like trash. These women gave them
access.
That Kind of Woman will tolerate a man who’ll test drive on her body
without buying the car. Most men, even very well meaning, wont mind
getting a lot of attention even it is from the wrong women – it feeds the ego.
If they get the opportunity to try out a sports car, an SUV, and a truck all in
the same day, well…start your engines baby!
When you give the wrong kind of man, even a well meaning fella your keys,
he may drive all day long without stopping to fill up. Of course he won’t
feel guilty if you’re OK with it. If you use the modern woman-in-control
card by having sex with any man as long as it’s the third date, you’ll earn the
girl for now reputation.
A woman I’ll call “a sad case of regrets” told me how she allowed her
boyfriend to drive for free. She spoke about giving it all up to her boyfriend
whom she had been living with for over 5 years. After meeting and dating
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for a while, the topic of buying a house verses getting married came up.
Which do you think the man readily agreed to? He chose the house so she
agreed to buy the house with him and after years of wasting her life, she had
regrets of him not even hinting of marrying her. Why should he? She tried
to make believe that she was OK with it. By giving up a lot, she expected
marriage in return.
It’s common to hear, “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he still
hasn’t asked me to marry him,” “My boyfriend’s afraid of commitment,” or
“My boyfriend keeps making excuses about us getting married when I bring
it up.”
It may take a man longer to commit because of his nature to value his
independence and the shifting away of needing marriage for sex. Modern
men know that they no longer need marriage for sex because times have
changed so they’ll make women wait. A few decades ago, women made
men wait. A Smart Woman wants more from a man - more than his body.
She understands that she’s biologically made to deserve soul.
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Chapter 5 – Woman’s lib and how men work
As women we have made enormous advancements over the past number of
decades in the area of workplace equality and men have generally accepted
our roles in the boardroom, however, the movement that empowered women
to be financially independent may have done a huge disservice in the area of
male/female relationships.
You can’t go very far without hearing the subtle arrogant and superior
attitudes of misguided militant feminists influencing women to “have
power” at the expense of bashing men. Women who do not understand their
true power get into a cat fight over suggestions that they need to sit back and
let a man lead them.
There’s nothing wrong with being a powerful financially independent
woman. You and I have the opportunity to be very successful and
influential. Men do not want women with bitchy undertones. Men want
women who are soft enough to be feminine and strong enough to hold their
own.
Having power in the boardroom is fine but when it comes to relationships
with men, you have to exercise a different kind of power. In order for you to
do this, you need to throw out your desire to take charge, chase him, and
convince him you’re his. It’s a huge turn off. There are just some things
that won’t change biologically for men no matter how much progress we’ve
made - he’s made to pursue you.
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You don’t have to spend time trying to convince a man that you are his
equal. The more you talk about it, the less you’ll appear to actually be in
control. If you want to be a liberated woman, free yourself from needing
men to validate your identity and give up trying to use your “woman’s lib”
power in your relationships. When you know who you are, you show who
you are.
While online, I came across an article by a man who was fiercely anti-
marriage. He claimed that he did not need to get married because plenty of
women are willing to give him sex, financially independent, and it was way
too risky for him to lose big if he were to get a divorce. His story along with
the agreeable comments by other men got my attention.
If men needed marriage to have sex, then this gave women a lot of power -
the power to select a man who could prove that he had what it took to
commit to a loving relationship before he got the goods. Then I began to
reason that since our bodies are attached to our hearts, we are biologically
wired to need security in our relationships so that we do not feel devalued.
We are afraid of not feeling special in our relationships and we do not want a
man to take a “test drive” then walk away. This is why we need to ensure
that men have more invested in the act of intimacy.
Many women live from a false sense of empowerment which causes them to
be less secure than how they appear. Giving a man free access to your
world or being domineering is not the way to go. It is far more effective to
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build sexual tension and an emotional connection by being self-assured,
mysterious, and discreet.
The next time you’re surrounded by a swarm of gossip bashing bitter
groupies who are overbearing and negative towards men, quietly excuse
yourself or you may deliberately be responsible for being cat woman on
steroids - these are the kinds that men run from. They don’t have the spirit
to attract and keep men. Learn to be an amazing woman and open up your
heart to the possibility that you have what it takes to catch the attention of a
quality man.
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Chapter 6 – Our Girls
I recently experienced a very sad moment when a 14 year old girl confided
in me that a girl from her school announced that she was going to lose her
virginity for her 15th birthday. I thought, “Goodness, what have we taught
our girls?”
Well let’s see…
•
To be modern you must be arrogant, independent and career driven.
•
Have an agenda to be respected even if you have to disrespect guys.
•
Become feminine by becoming sexual.
•
Dress seductively to get guys attention.
•
Keep your boyfriend even if he’s disrespecting you.
•
Focus on you body and try to measure up.
•
Don’t take pride in your natural beauty. Become you own critic.
You’re not good enough.
•
If your boyfriend wants to sleep with you that means he loves you.
•
Have sex when you’re in love. You’re gonna do it anyway.
•
Move in with your boyfriend so that you can have more time for each
other. Let him help you with the rent
•
Initiate contact with guys, have multiple sexual partners and friends
with benefits.
•
Remember to always use a condom.
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When I was in high school, I was weirded out when our educated
professionals allowed two idiots to come into the school to have a Sex Ed
session with all of the grade 11 and 12 kids. I was in grade 11 at the time. I
knew that these people had lost their minds when the male speaker brought
out a banana and began demonstrating how to put a condom on it while
making jokes that one size does fit all.
I don’t know…maybe it was just me…maybe I was too old fashioned and
still am but somehow, I just looked, shook my head and thought they were
nuts. I didn’t know too much back and felt that I had taken a field trip to the
circus because you could hear the laughs and jeers as they had a so called
sex education session. Yep, a Sex Ed joke fest.
In trying to sexualize us by promoting our lack of self control, many girls
walked away believing that they can be intimate with someone they “love.”
Boys still trying to be men believed that they can put a condom on and have
anytime sex.
Why didn’t they demonstrate how to smoke a joint or stick a needle in the
arm? Obviously, kids are doing it anyway. Why didn’t they show us how to
smoke crack and get high like junkies wading in the streets lost in a maze of
madness? That happens.
Girls aren’t taught enough about character development; we advocate sex
when their still fragile and underdeveloped self esteems cannot handle the
complexities of having a sexual relationship with a guy.
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Our girls are exposed to plenty of it everywhere they turn and then they try
to be “women” by sleeping with their boyfriends because it’s “Oh, so cool.”
Why don’t we tell girls what really works. That is –“When a man works for
your attention, more than likely, you’ll be treated like a Queen, not a Ho.”
Learning from a very early age how to be That Kind of Woman, it’s no
surprise that this poor misguided teenage girl was willing to give away free
sex. She’s was taught that it was OK to sell her body in exchange for being
cool because “Like, O my god, he’s so hot!” She wanted to fit in by being
the stereotypical girl. Oh no, she doesn’t want to be a nice girl. Nice girls
are for losers.
By the time a girl reaches womanhood, she would have had a sexual history
based on how she was taught to behave with her body. Usually, the more
popular a woman becomes in our society, the more sexual she is portrayed
and the less clothes she wears. You haven’t really made it until you bare
ALL - that’s making it. Everyone should have a piece of you and men
should admire this kind of beauty because you are beautiful and sexy when
you offer no resistance and allow people to have a piece of you with no price
attached.
I was watching a documentary on a well know pop artist recently. She is a
part of a group and wanted to also have her own solo album. She wanted
people to know who she is as an individual and artistically, she believes her
fans will learn about the other sides of her music. Different clips of her
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music were being shown with her reflecting a soft porn booty girl packaged
as a hot and sexy woman.
As I sat and watched, I began thinking, “Ok, so you want your primary fans
- a.k.a. preteens/ teenage girls to learn about your other side - meaning your
stale, shallow and sexual side?” “Is there anything different that you really
have to offer? Is there anything new? Aren’t you just recycling the same
old dull sexually explicit parts of yourself and promoting it as your other
talents?”
Now our girls look up to these artists and believe they can be just as
“WOMAN” as these females. The message is: respect is earned by what they
can do with their bodies. We read or hear about girls who are offering more
than a feast to guys for free. They are braver than ever and have no
problems fulfilling a guy sexually without demanding anything in return.
There has been a lot of amazing knowledge that we have passed on to our
girls but the score is less than average in the area of respecting their
sexuality. Some kiss on each other to get guys attention, “On your way to
the top, sell a little to get by. By the way, make sure that you make it on the
front cover of a man’s magazine because that’s success – that’s real sexy.”
I know that there is more than a few of us that are just sick of seeing that!
It is alarming to hear that girls are being called “Ho’s” and “Bitches” by
boys in our schools. Will the real women please stand up? Red carpet
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please. Let’s stop the filthy, abusive, blatantly disrespectful but accepted
trash talk our girls embrace as normal. We’re going to take over with grace,
class, and authentic woman power!
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Chapter 7 –Your sexual IQ
When I had to go from being married to single, it was such a shock to my
system that my body was on fire for days. I thought the torture would never
end. I was sexually frustrated because my body was used to getting sex and
now I was high and dry.
Thoughts rummaged through my mind. I had a difficult time seeing couples
together, watching romantic movies, and looking at hot guys as my body and
emotions coped with not having a free five course meal - I’ve adapted quite
well now except in those flashes of rapture when my cable guy comes to
mind.
There were plenty of men who knew that I was single and I could have
misused the power of my sex drive to get all the sex I was craving, but the
price that I would pay would not have been worth it. There are laws that
govern the universe as well as relationships. Whenever a law is broken, it
causes disorder. Can you imagine what it would be like if everyone felt like
crossing over the yellow line just to get to where they were going?
Many women wreck themselves because they have allowed men to trespass
into their private world having years of being in and out with men and
feeling the sting of self hate and disgust. By the time it gets to #15, the soul
has had enough and they end up angry, numb or cry themselves to sleep at
night. If you’re crying this means you’re bleeding. When men get to do you
and take off, it will eventually catch up with you. Your soul will end up in
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chaos.
A lot of times women rush into sexual activity to appease feelings of
loneliness. But when the night is over, still feel empty. The sex was
temporary and did nothing to saturate the soul. Sex is not a solution to
loneliness. Don’t disrespect your own body just to get some loving. If
you’re in sexual overdrive, find something meaningful to channel your
sexual energy into while believing that the time will come when you will
have the level of sexual intimacy that you deserve.
Have a high sexual IQ by dating around and waiting for the thunder!
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Chapter 8 – Taking SEX into a higher zone
Spoiled by plenty of options, men will play the field because there are plenty
of women who believe that being sexually independent will translate into a
trip to the jewelry store. Thinking that men love sex, That Kind of Woman
will give it up in return for a man’s love.
I was speaking to a foxy friend who told me how a man chased after her
with his undying affection, told her all of the right words, and made her feel
like a Princess. He thought he got her hooked. After a few weeks of dating,
she made the awful mistake of going to his place to meet some of his room
mates. It was an apparent setup. When she arrived there was no one there
but him. He tried to put the moves on but she insisted on holding out and
he became cold.
This is where That Kind of Woman makes a huge mistake. She’s all caught
up in a man’s attention and confuses this for him wanting a serious
commitment. More than likely, she’s only seen the man’s charming
personality - not his character. When you fall for a personality by giving
into a masquerade, you may fall and can’t get up. Have you heard the term,
“The higher they are, the harder they fall?” When you are “high” on a man,
you’ll fall hard.
Types of sexual behaviors that compromise a woman’s power of selection
are: hooking up, shacking up, swingings, spankings, orgies, dualities,
whoredoms, pimpings and benefits. A man can give himself to anything he
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wants like a friend with benefits. There’s nothing to lose and there’s no
responsibility. It’s disturbing when women do not care if they were just the
“flavor of the day. These types of arrangements cause men to come to
expect less.
The Smart Woman knows that she wants a man to see her as an equal - not
an object. She takes her time to make sure that a man understands that she’s
not there just to be his happy trick and she does all of this without placing
her expectations on him. She remains happy with or without a man so men
are drawn to her self confidence and finds her irresistible. She is not out to
change men by demanding respect because she has her own and makes
decisions that are based on values that protect her dignity and self respect.
Getting sexually involved with a man then making demands is actually
working backwards. Does he owe you anything if you sleep with him?
Does he owe you a phone call? Sleeping with him doesn’t necessary gain
you his trust, his compassion, his sensitivity. Plenty of women feel that men
owe them just because they’ve had sex. They place so much value on the
sexual intimacy thinking it will earn them a man’s commitment. See the
thing is...he won’t promise you a thing from a one night stand and it’s
probably been two years and you’re still sitting there waiting for a ring. It
ain’t coming because you keep giving.
When you are really comfortable with your sexuality, you hold true to
having meaningful relationships instead of giving men a decayed washed up
version. Allowing your relationship to develop past romantic ideals will
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give you a chance to know his soul, see his character, and give him the
opportunity to prove his love.
Recognizing that you are a Queen, he will either rise to honor you or fall
into the ashes of his weak self. He may think, “Wow, she’s different or
“Who does she think she is?” You should let a man know by your attitude
that your life is more than making his penis happy.
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Chapter 9 – Chemistry: The Important 3D
It took me years to understand the meaning of real chemistry. I remember
having the “HOTS” for a guy in high school, who at the time was in a higher
grade. We became friends and one day he offered me a ride home.
When he arrived at my house, I began having the deadly “talk” by telling
him how I felt and was left absolutely devastated. He said, “I don’t want to
hurt your feelings but we just don’t click.” Confused, I asked, “What do you
mean, we have such a good friendship?” He felt awkward and wanted to go.
I got out of the car, went inside to my room and cried for days.
You may have had dates or been in a relationship with a man that you had
the “HOTS” for only to be desperately disappointed after having the “talk”
with him. Having the talk is what NEVER to do with men. More than
likely, he was physically attracted to you and wanted to get to know you
more. But this is only where chemistry starts. Real chemistry is usually
comprised of a unique physical, emotional and spiritual connection.
Most do not understand that a physical attraction is not a promise. A woman
can fall in love with the fantasy of what a man could be then hold that
fantasy as her expectation and somehow try to negotiate a relationship based
on her inner scripts. When this happens, she may believe a man’s “HOT”
pursuit is a sign that he wants to take it further. When a man does not meet
her expectations, she may confront him in anger like she’s holding a semi
automatic gun pointed at him, “Like me or else!”
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When a man does not have “IT”, you cannot make him feel “IT.” “IT” has
to be there for a man and no amount of begging, pleading, manipulation, or
using your body will cause him to dig you past how he feels. Period!
Men are highly visual creatures and each man has a pre-set attraction gauge
that he uses to measure his level of interest to a woman. This pre-set
attraction usually begins with the things he finds attractive in a woman. He
starts off by being physically attracted to a woman, and then he may develop
an emotional and spiritual connection as he gets to know her.
Your goal is to date around until you find chemistry with a man on all three
levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual with an extra “hallelujah!” If this
three fold chemistry is not present then the relationship will fall flat because
it will be missing one of the key elements that make relationships successful.
For example, a friend of mine was dating a man who found her irresistible.
The first few dates were amazing but then she realized that they didn’t really
have much to talk about. She told me that she would end up staring out the
window and it presented many awkward moments. Needless to say, the
relationship went six feet under because they only had physical chemistry.
In this situation, some women try to continue being “nice” by not telling the
truth because they might love the attention or need a man to make them feel
worthy. Then they try to dig for gold when there was nothing really
precious to begin with. This is where you must flow from your true values.
You want the relationship to progress though natural stages: attraction,
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attachment, commitment, engagement, and then marriage. It may start with
the physical but it will take the “3D” factor with that extra “hallelujah” to
keep it sizzling. You may have a physical attraction for one man but unable
to have an emotional connection because he’s not at your emotional level
and cannot meet you where you are. The same is true with having a spiritual
connection. You may have a physical and emotional connection but unable
to have a spiritual connection.
Women lose power when they try to objectify themselves to make men want
them or use sex to keep a man’s interest. Many women do not wait for the
emotional/spiritual connection to take place first. They rule with their
bodies then try to entice a man into a commitment based on externals. That
is why there’s a missing link. When you date smart, you are looking for a
man that you can have chemistry with on all levels. His meter must be off
the charts, and yours, well...I want to make sure that I keep this book as
decent as possible.
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Chapter 10 - Caught up in the movies?
I happened to pick up a romantic comedy knowing absolutely nothing about
the movie. It was a recent release and the title got me so I decided that I
would give it a try. After putting the kids to bed, I popped in the DVD. As
the movie rolled along, I thought, “What in God’s name is this?”
All of the reviews on the DVD cover screamed, “The best romantic comedy
of the year!” and a “Must see, you don’t want to miss this” – these guys
must have been paid because I could have done without it.
I’ve seen many good romantic comedies before but this one just killed the
mystery all together. I was freaked out by the fact that it was rated 14A
because there was a scene with a woman acting like a porn star, bent over
against a wall while a man was holding onto her nude breast and pretending
to hump her. (He had ALL of his clothes on!). Prior to that I sat there
wondering when it was going to really get interesting. I couldn’t get past the
swamp so I pressed “click.” Good thing it was rented from the library.
If you spent your retirement savings on modern romantic comedies that
bombed, then you’ll be just as disappointed as I was. There are those rare
movies that are exceptional but generally the really bad, predictable ones go
something like:
Scene 1 - Man meets woman
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Scene 2 - Man likes woman
Scene 3 - Woman’s pretty obvious that she like him too
Scene 4 - He asks her out and she gleefully accepts
Scene 5 - They frequent cafes and restaurants.
Scene 6 - They sleep together
Scene 7 - They wake up like they’ve know each other for years
Scene 8 - They move in together (and in between all of this they’ve met each
others’ families, dogs, cats etc.)
Men expect to do very little to have women fall right in love with them - fall
in bed for two weeks of quickie sex, “Nice knowing you in all the right
places babe. Well yeah, I did mean what I said about you being amazing so
it’s not you, it’s me, really.”
Men and women have reasons for putting up walls because in the dating
world everyone has reasons for protecting themselves. Sometimes women
meet a stranger mixed in with a nightmare of tricks, lies, little secrets, past
history, germs and diseases. A man does not know if you’ve been a friend
with benefits and you don’t know if he’s slept with a prostitute downtown.
Sometimes these fears cause women to believe that “he’s out to use me” and
men to have the “she wants marriage” radar on.
What if we forgot about how it happens in the movies? This is about our
very real lives, with our real hearts where it really doesn’t happen in 120
minutes. What if we took sometime to just befriend men instead of having
anything sexual about it?
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Give men a reason to get to know us past our makeup, Gucci bags, and
Stiletto heels. Now if we pressed the “off” button on many of these mindless
and ridiculous movies, then we can create our own version of what it is like
to be unlike That Kind of Woman.
So let’s start by becoming friends with men – men who are attracted to us
and have some interest. Give a man time to tell whether he’s that kind of
man. Because we’re usually blinded by men who are super hot, let’s decide
that we’re going to make them a friend for a little while. Men hate the “F”
word.
Hang up the boyfriend title to really get to know a man. This might prevent
you from meeting a psycho, giving him sex, and getting the bad disease of a
broken heart. It’s extremely difficult for someone to hide who they really
are if you give them enough time to reveal themselves.
Decide to no longer spoil men. Mess up their thinking by being friendly and
by this I mean, treat men like you have no interest while being subtle about
your attraction. Be your nice, charming, beautiful self by having a man
think he’s just like one of the other guys and he’ll be thinking, “What? I’m
Superman. Don’t you see my cape?” or “I’m a great guy that has a lot going
for me, aren’t you interested?” Your message is, “Yes, you’re great but,
we’ll see.”
Don’t tell a man you’re attracted to that you only want to be his friend.
He’ll think that you’re not interested and don’t find him attractive. Be a nice
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flirt, not a sexual one. Keep it casual and low key. Show him that you want
to be friends by going out to casual events, having him meet your other guy
friends (this will get him going), meeting his friends and him meeting yours,
hanging out with your family etc. You get the picture. Just don’t tell him all
of your secrets and that you are having your period!
He’ll go absolutely crazy because now he has to compete for your attention
and if there are other men who you’re also friends with, well, this will drive
him wild. He’ll put on the cape and proclaim that “He’s a Super Hero!” You
want to see whether he really is that. If he’s that kind of man, he may not
want to be your friend. His loss!
You’ll get to know plenty of men and have many respecting you because
you’ve redefined what it means to be a woman. They’ll come to know that
you are fun, friendly and fantastic. One of these bright men may be the one
for you. This way you cut and do a retake of real life and get to surround
yourself with many male friends who you haven’t slept with. You’ll have
them thinking, “Why is she so nice? What is she up to?” “Man, she’s
different, what is it about her?” Meanwhile, That Kind of Woman has
completely lost his interest because she’s already proclaiming to the world,
“I’ve got a boyfriend.” Not!
Oh, I need to mention, don’t let him hang out at your place like you do with
your girlfriends nor hang out at his place alone. You’ve got to be careful
with the kind of romantic tension you’ll create by using this strategy, you’ll
pop. Darling, we don’t want this to happen - yet.
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Chapter 11 – Space, the necessary frontier
When you practice being self sufficient while being interdependent in
relationships, you give yourself a gift - the freedom to have options.
Because a man needs space to know if he truly loves you, you don’t want to
unknowingly stifle his desire to want to be with you.
A cool distance between you and a man is the leverage that will help you
keep your self respect. This lessens your chances of being hurt or taken for
granted. When you give a man space by holding out, you’ll appear to be
more self assured and desirable.
If you create this room, the man has to journey towards you, which gives
you the opportunity to know whether or not he’s right for you. When a man
spends himself by traveling from his earth to meet your moon, he’s had to
figure out how to get to you by building the shuttle and launching it. He
risks himself to get to you. If you don’t allow this risk to take place, you
can’t really know if he’s motivated by his own desires or by a desire to
really have you.
If a man is not willing to risk for you, STOP dating him. Real men want to
pay a price. Takers and losers want the easy route; they don’t want to work
for anything. If he can’t take that chance, then he’s not worth it because
he’ll always allow you to pay the price and never treat you like his Queen.
If you’re dating a selfish man, it’s time to shut up and listen to your
girlfriends. The right man will have a space reserved in the hearts of the
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people you love. They will naturally embrace him if you too are meant to be
together.
I am suggesting that we become women who carry ourselves with a certain
kind of essence that commands respect and drive the right kind of men wild.
If he’s right for you and want to experience sexual union with you, then he
should have to put a ring on your finger for all the right reasons and commit
to spending eternity getting to know how lavishly beautiful you are. Let the
chase
begin.
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Chapter 12 – What to Do When you meet a man like my cable guy
Ahhh…do you know the feeling? It’s like what my cable guy did to me. I
had recently moved into my new place and arranged to have cable service.
The door bell rang and I opened the door to something more than a man. I
had never met this guy before. When he smiled, it went to such a deep place
in me that I had to quietly and politely control my thoughts. This man was
like a wonder!
He was a hot! But it wasn’t his looks alone that got me. What got me was
“IT.” “IT” was the insane and instant chemistry I immediately felt with him
(oomph). The kind of unforgettable attraction that made me think, “Help,
I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Seriously, I wanted to fall and not get up at
all - I wanted to fall right into him because the feeling was so unreal and
totally caught me off guard. Goodness, I have to be careful because
remembering how I felt make it all seem like he’s here right now. Mercy!
Excuse me, I need to breathe, inhale, release, inhale, release, there. I’m OK
now. Really!
I smiled and started a two way dialogue within myself because I wanted to
know what in the world was happening to me: What IS this? Where did IT
come from? If I knew that “IT” was going to show up, I wouldn’t have
answered the door looking like I just rose from the grave. It was still early
in the morning, I was wearing my house coat, busy making breakfast for the
kids, and lost track of time. Although I remembered that someone was
coming, I really didn’t expect “IT” to show up. When I saw him, I wanted
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to savor the feeling and linger in the presence of the unbelievable
magnificent glorious rapture but I had to force myself to slow down and
simmer instead.
I invited him in, wanted to tell him to stay for as long as he wanted but I
behaved myself and acted like a perfect lady showing him around and
helping him get to work. I did some light chatting to be polite and kept
myself busy around the house. He kept calling my name; I mean his “IT.”
The sensation was intoxicating but I continued to compose myself. Honey,
when he was finished, he stood beside me to show me how to operate my
cable box. That wasn’t such a good idea. By now, I had changed and as he
spoke, it was almost unbearable. I didn’t want to appear rude by moving
away from him and I quite liked how close he was to me.
I wanted to tell him what a fine specimen of a man he was, that I loved his
nice full lips and perfect white teeth. But I didn’t. As he chatted, I nodded
as if I completely understood all of what he was saying. Then he said
something that made me smile and I saw his face light up. When I saw his
smile, I wanted to smack him, “Stop it! Stop it right now! Don’t you know
what this is doing to me?” I was completely dumbfounded by the crazy
feeling, the kind of fireworks that would win any competition.
He had to go so I thanked him and said goodbye. As I went about my day, I
had to tell a couple of girlfriends about this guy. I rambled on and on about
him. As a matter of fact, it was just the other day that I was speaking to my
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female co-workers about him. The chemistry interrupted my day and left me
whining, “It’s just not fair to make that kind of intoxicating energy come
from a man!”
If you have ever experienced that level of attraction to a man, you may find
it very painful to have to wait it out. Every ounce of your emotions will pull
you in his direction but you must use your smarts to create the respect that a
man needs to respond to you like a Queen - not a short-term girlfriend.
Your attitude should communicate that you are secure enough to wait. When
you live with this kind of value, you will not place so much weight on
wanting a man to give you his attention. There is a difference between
having a healthy crush where you “desire” a man’s interest verses acting
needy and desperate where you’ll do anything to “get” his attention. You
shouldn’t give a man the answer to you. He should ask the question over
and over in order to do what it takes to find the answer to you.
The modern woman is taught to open up by telling a man her needs and
being up-front with her feelings. She talks, talks, talks, giving the man the
answer:
•
She asks him for his number
•
She calls him and hopes he wants to ask her out on a date
•
She suggest the idea to get together
•
She talks about her dog
•
Her cat
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•
Her mole
•
Her chest
•
Her cellulite
•
Her past baggage
•
Her therapy sessions
•
Her defunct family
•
Her physic experiences
•
Where she thinks the relationship should go
•
Her needing marriage/children etc.
Shut up when you are surrounded by an attractive man. Shutting up is
mysterious. Being giddy and goo goo is non enigmatic. He will love the
attention but he won’t be smitten by you. Inwardly, he wants to respond to a
woman he can discover and unfold.
If you open yourself up instead of allowing the man to unwrap you like a
beautiful gift with layers and layers of wrapping paper, he gets the easy win;
he’ll suddenly go off the radar. When you operate with confident self
respect, you become the kind of woman that he has to be around.
Because he’s made to hunt, he wants the victory - the hard won trophy. He
wants a quality woman who is different and unique. When you show with
your actions that you are the Queen of your own heart – it causes him to rise
to the challenge – being a King who meets his Queen.
There’s a certain dance that should take place between you and Mr.
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Potential. It’s not the bump and grind. It’s giving the man the gift of being
free to struggle to win you over by proving to you that he is a Hero - Yours.
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Chapter 13 - Date outside the bedroom - this includes any other private or secluded
place where sex can happen.
I may get plenty of letters from the “Right to My Body Groups” and the
“Aint Giving up Sex Sisters” about dating without sex. Men may also join
the pouting because they’ll miss all of the easy sex they’ve been so used to.
Then there are those who may believe that I’m trying to “take women
backwards” or that I’m “grossly old fashioned.” If you feel strongly about
sleeping around then this is not the book for you. Maybe you could pick up,
“How to sleep with a guy in 10 days.”
You can be successful at dating men without having a diary written on your
body about which one did what to you where - “this one was my 1969" or
“this was summer 2007.”
A healthy marriage relationship is comprised of having deep physical
intimacy, however, I happen to believe that too much emphasis is placed on
the physical act while dating, resulting in the lack of true substance seen in
many relationships today.
When a relationship develops through a deeper intimacy in the soul, it has a
better chance to form a stronger foundation that will help contribute to a
lifelong partnership. Obviously there are no guarantees.
When you’re falling in love, it’s really hard to resist not jumping on a guy
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and ripping his clothes off. If you’re in your sexual prime, you don’t have to
be dating an attractive, available man to take one look at him and want to rip
his clothes off. But there are plenty of women who allowed their emotions
to get the better of them and ended up feeling used.
There are different levels of intimacy but sex is different because it brings
you into union with someone on a spiritual/chemical level. That’s why it is
the highest of all physical intimacy which can cause the deepest amount of
pleasure or violation.
Studies have shown that when a woman has sex with a man, a bonding
hormone called oxytocin (the same hormone that is released after women
have babies) causes her to feel more deeply attached to the man she’s with.
This is why women want to cuddle after sex. Men on the other hand feel
that they have release their strength, want to roll over and fall asleep in order
to refuel.
More than likely you will place more value on a relationship with a man
before he does if you sleep with him when he hasn’t developed anything real
for you. This is the evolution of what women do today - they demand
relationships from men because of the sex.
Its backwards to think that a woman can’t be happy if she’s not getting laid
as if getting laid is the fountain of youthful happiness. There’s no denying
that your body will naturally crave companionship and sexual intimacy but
you cannot cheat yourself by allowing just any man to share that sacred part
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of you.
A man must see past your legs or he’s not worth the bother. You are
searching for quality and dating is about finding the right man who’s made
up of more than his stick. You want to interview as many men as possible
and this is the opportunity to do so. Not every man you date should dip his
stick in you - you don’t need your oil checked every time you go out with a
man.
Choose what level of dating you’re ready for. Do you want to get to know
men and learn about them, a sports buddy, a serious relationship or a casual
friendship? Be honest with where you’re at so that when you go out you can
be free to be a fun and classy woman who knows what she wants.
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Chapter 14 - How to up the Sexy
The term “sexy” is overused in today’s culture and is often put in the same
category as slutty. A sexy woman is a vibrant vivacious woman who pumps
up her inner qualities and dresses in a way that shows off her outer beauty
while leaving men with plenty for the imagination.
You can turn yourself from a bag lady into a bombshell without breaking the
bank. For example, I had a chat with one of my girlfriends recently about
the way I walk. I told her that every time my feet touched the ground I was
going to walk as if I am on the runway for a fashion show. Smart women
show the world what they think about themselves and it is reflected in
something as simple as “the walk.” Here are some of the many ways you
can do sexy:
Up the sexy by being spiritually balanced
Begin with the part of you that really is a “forever” woman by having a
connection with God. When you are in touch with your spirit, you’ll have a
greater awareness of who you are and why you are here. You cannot depend
on your family, friends or a man to meet your spiritual need. You must live
your life on purpose with faith and hope in someone greater than you and
your life must have meaning. Know that you are worthy of unconditional
love and strive to make a difference in the lives of others.
Up the sexy by making healthy food choices
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Most of us find it challenging to keep up with making sure we eat properly
but this cannot be neglected. Junk food from time to time is no big deal but
if you want to have a healthy body and mind, you need to feed it right.
Up the Sexy by exercising
There are plenty of health benefits to exercising with the added bonus that
you might just meet the man of your dreams while sweating on the treadmill.
Whether you’re a size 4 or 16, your heart will thank you for making it work.
Do what it takes to have a healthy body weight.
Up the sexy by getting rid of baggage
Any emotional wounds that cause bitterness and resentment to linger will
rob your ability to find true love. Choose forgiveness. If you were hurt by
Mr. Jerk, do yourself a favor and flush him out of your system. Self-help
books, personal counseling, CD’s, and Videos are tools that can help you get
your sexy back.
Up the sexy by doing the things you love
Whether its your career, a hobby, volunteering, spending time with
family/friends, or going to your place of worship, you’ll feel the greatest joy
when you do the things that bring you joy. When you have real joy, your
presence will be like a magnet.
Up the sexy by taking care of you
Looking after yourself may be placed last on your list of priorities but if you
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neglect finding the time to care about #1, you won’t have much to give back
and may become angry because of giving from what you don’t have. In
order to truly give, you must give to yourself first. You show a man how to
treat you by the way you care for yourself. If your date wants to go out
every night, say no.
Up the sexy with your smile
Smiling will make you feel alive which translates into feeling sexy. If you
don’t have a great smile, there are plenty of over the counter aids available
to change that. Instead of closing yourself off, do something about it by
making an appointment with a Dentist if you have to. You need to invest in
your smile or you’ll suffer the consequences of always feeling self
conscious. Make a point to practice smiling at men more often whether you
are attracted to them or not and you’d be surprised about the kind of power
you possess when you smile. Bait a man with your smile.
Up the sexy with a positive attitude
I don’t want to be around dead people and neither should you. If you have
anything in your life that pulls you down, cut it off. A winning attitude will
draw people towards you. Charge up your mental outlook by speaking
positive words of affirmation over your life everyday. When you change
what you say, you’ll change what you think. Then you’ll change how you
feel and attract more success into your life.
Up the sexy with your walk
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Pay more attention to the way you stand and walk. Do you have a hump
back when you stand or are you portraying a confident self assured woman?
Walking is the way you talk when you move. I am not suggesting that you
do anything that makes you uncomfortable; you should adjust your walk in a
way that suits you. There is a reason why they call it the “cat walk” on the
run way because that kind of walk says, “Look out, here comes the woman
who believes in herself.” Having a good posture will lift your energy and
help to bring your body and mind into alignment.
Up the sexy with a social and active life
Get out on the town or have an intimate dinner with some friends regularly.
Do anything but sit and waste away at home while complaining that you
can’t find a quality man. Attend conferences, shows, concerts, take up
dancing or a new class. Join a social networking group online or groups in
your community. When a man comes along, don’t forget that you had a life
before him.
Up the sexy with a Complete Makeover
Ok...so I saved this one for last because I have a whole lot to complain about
including why I wanted to hold on to the pairs of jeans I used to wear before
I had my kids.
There’s comes a time when you have to decide to go from drab to fab
meaning you shouldn’t be caught dead looking like a thrift store model - not
that there is anything wrong with buying used clothes. Get rid of the old
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bras and undies that look like they were thrown to a pack of wolves and get
you some lingerie that will make your body scream.
Do the goodwill or some charity a favor and give away outdated clothes that
have nothing to do with now or I’ll have you personally watched, ticketed,
and fined for not looking like a knockout. Go through you closet. Throw
out clothes that don’t spell S-E-X-Y and burn the ones that are sleazy. You
shouldn’t give away sleazy clothes because it’s not right to subject another
woman to that kind of tragedy.
Buy your hair or get a new hairstyle once a year. Lease some nails with a
good French manicure, or be very diligent with caring for your nails at
home. Invest in your skin by eating well, keeping hydrated, taking vitamins
and having a good skin care regiment. Some women never wear makeup -
God bless them for being so bold. If you were not born with flawless skin,
then you can’t afford to not wear makeup. You don’t have to spend hours
caking it on, just a light foundation applied before going out will make the
difference between you looking hot...or not.
Instead of going on a shopping spree, save your coffee money, look for
bargains and buy something new once a month. Maybe it’s a nice top on
sale to go with your killer jeans - the ones that keep your butt firmly planted
on you. Your clothes should accentuate the Hottie in you.
Finally, make sure your scent leaves an impression by purchasing perfumes,
body lotions or sprays that compliments your style while causing you to be
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unforgettable when a man embraces you.
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Chapter - 15 How to understand Manglish
Are men really from a different planet or are they a different species all
together? Every man is unique but generally simple and very predictable.
Here are some popular “Guy terms” and possible definitions:
Him: “Would you like to go out for lunch?”
Possible meaning:
a) “I am attracted to you and I want to see how much we click.”
b) “I’m secretly hoping that if you’re into me, you’ll possibly give sex.”
c) “Maybe you’ll settle for sex and companionship without marriage.”
d) “You may be my dream girl who I’ll marry and have children with.”
Him: “You look great!” Or “I love your new bracelet.”(any other type of
compliment).
Possible meaning:
a) “I think you’re hot!”
b) “I think you’re hot and I’m hoping to sleep with you one day.”
c) “I’m really into you and love your style.”
Him: “You’re beautiful!”
Possible meaning: “I love so many things about you.”
Him: “Would you like to come up for some coffee/tea?”
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Possible meaning: “I’m hoping to get laid.”
Him: “I’m busy on the weekend/next week/month/year.”
Possible meaning: “I have plans and you’re not in it.”
Him: (While you’re out) “You don’t mind if we go half do you? I wouldn’t
want to take away from you being an independent woman.”
Possible meaning: “I am a cheap ass. I’m not into you. I do this all the time.
The only reason I’m with you is to get laid so pay up.”
Him: (After the first, second or third date) “I’ll call you sometime.”
Possible meaning: “You’ll never hear from me again.”
Him: Buys you a beautiful gift.
Possible meaning:
a) “I think you’re special.”
b) “I hope you’ll give me a little somethin’ somethin’ tonight.”
Him: Buys you an unromantic gift
Possible meaning:
a) “You really don’t mean that much to me.”
b) “I’m getting this for you because I feel obligated.”
c) “I don’t need to buy the cow, I’ve got it made.”
Him: “I’m sorry I forgot to get you a gift for your (Birthday, Valentines,
Christmas, etc.)”
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Possible meaning:
a) “I’m only with you because of the free sex you give me.”
b) “I’ve taken you for granted for so long, can’t you have some self
respect?”
c) “I don’t believe you’re that important to me.”
Him: “Hey, let’s go back to my place and catch a movie”
Possible meaning: “I couldn’t care less about watching a movie. I’m
secretly hoping that you’ll put on a show.”
Him: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Possible meaning: “It is SO you and I just want to get the hell out of here.”
Him: “I need some space.”
Possible meaning:
a) “This relationship isn’t working for me. I want my freedom”
b) “I’m already seeing someone else.”
Him: Calls you up Friday to go out on Saturday
Possible meaning: “I couldn’t get a date so I thought I’d ask you.”
Him: Calls you up after a few weeks, months.
Possible meaning:
a) “I haven’t scored in a while.”
b) “It didn’t work out with the Smokin’ Brunette I had eyes for.”
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Him: “Can we see other people?”
Possible meaning: “I’m done with you and I’ve emotionally checked out.”
Him: “I didn’t get your message, I forgot my cell phone in the car/the dog
ate it etc.”
Possible meaning: “I saw that it was you calling and I didn’t want to pick up
the phone.”
Him: “I need some time to figure out what I want.”
Possible meaning: “I know what I want and it aint you.”
Him: “Can we just be friends?”
Possible meaning:
a) “I’m gay.”
b) “I am straight but I’m not attracted to you.”
c) “You’re attractive but not the woman of my dreams.”
Him: “This isn’t working for me. I am looking for something different.”
Possible meaning: “I am dumping you. Whatever you do, don’t go
“PSYCHO” or ask me for a second chance.”
Him: “I can’t see myself ever getting married.”
Possible meaning:
a) “I want more time to sleep with as many women as possible before
getting tied down.” b) “You’re not my dream girl.”
Him: (Responding to you if you call him and he’s turned off), “No,
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actually...I don’t remember you. Where did you say we met?”
Possible meaning: “Stop calling me you Freak!”
Him: (After woman has the relationship “talk”- tells him about her feelings)
“Ummmmmm.”
Possible meaning: “Ummmmmm. Dear God, I’ll do anything. Just please
get me outta here!”
Him: Always on the phone or chronically answers it when he’s with you.
Possible meaning:
a) “I’m important so deal with it”
b) “I’m trying to set up a date with another woman for next week.”
c) “I’m buying my time so that’s why I’m with you
d) “I’m really married and my wife keeps calling to see when I’ll be home.”
Him: (If you slept with him for the first time while dating) “You were
great.”
Possible meaning:
a) “Please, please sleep with me again.”
b) “I hope I’m better than your last.”
Him: “Let’s move in together.”
Possible meaning:
a) “I am buying my time to get as much as I can for free that way if it
doesn’t work out, I won’t have to pay hundreds of dollars to marry you.”
b) “Free sex, free meals, a live in maid, and half the rent? Hey, life couldn’t
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be better.”
Him: “I want to marry you but...”
Possible meaning:
a) “Why do you let me get away with lying to you?”
b) “What’s the rush, after all, you’ll never leave.”
c) “I’m actually married and I won’t leave my wife for you.”
d) “You’re my convenience store. A smart woman would never put up with
me.”
e) “It’s too expensive and you really don’t mean as much to me to waste all
of my money on a stupid wedding!”
Him: “A friend of mine from out of town was sick and she had no one else
to help her so I had to stay at her apartment because she could barely get off
the couch.”
Possible meaning: “I’m not into you anymore, I’m with someone else and I
was doing it all weekend long. I’m just too weak to tell the truth.”
Him: “So what happened with your last relationship?”
Possible meaning: “I hope you’re the fun girl you seem to be and not a
psycho.”
Him: “I think we’re moving too fast.”
Possible meaning:
a) “I’m just letting you know now that I’m not ready to make a commitment
to you.”
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b) “I really like you and I think I’m falling in love.”
c) “There will never be an “US” so will you please shut up about what you
want out of a long-term relationship?”
Him: Starts talking about his messed up family
Possible meaning: “I’m dysfunctional and this is your warning to stay away
from me.”
Him: Dating you and sleeping with other women
Possible: “I have no respect for you or women...Period!”
Him: Starts talking bad about his EX girlfriend/wife
Possible meaning: “I want you to really believe that I am a great guy and I’m
not the problem, they are.”
Him: “I’m falling in love with you.” (said after a month of dating)
Possible meaning:
a) “The sex is great so keep it coming.”
b) “How much longer do I have to wait before we do it?”
Him: “I’m not in love with you anymore.”
Possible meaning: “You’re done your job, now I gotta go find me another
good screw.”
Him: “I’m falling in love with you.” (said after several months of dating)
Possible meaning: “I’m falling in love with you.”
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Him: “Can I borrow 5 bucks, I forgot my wallet?
Possible meaning: “I have no shame. I do this to women all of the time.”
Him: “She and I are just friends.”
Possible meaning:
a) “We slept together.”
b) “I’m thinking of leaving you for her.”
Him: “I wasn’t looking at her.”
Possible meaning: “She looked Mmmm……..good!”
Him: “I’d like you to meet my family, friends.”
Possible meaning: “You’re special to me and I could see us being together
long-term.”
Him: Overwhelms you with his attention, wants to be with you everyday,
and buys you gifts.
Possible meaning:
a) “I’m really desperate to get laid.”
b) “I’m a weirdo.”
c) “Why doesn’t any woman want to be with me?”
Him: (After dating for a 1 year plus) “Will you marry me?”
Possible meaning: “I’ve never met a woman like you and I want us to be
together forever.”
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Chapter – 16 Turn yourself on and a man will be turned on by you
By now, you know that I advocate taking sex into the spiritual zone of true
marital commitment. It may take many dates in order to select the man
who’s right for you and no one says it will be easy to hold out. In fact, you
may face many disappointments along the way and somewhere in your
female brain you may try to sabotage your efforts. In comes a little voice
that may tell you a guy is so hotlicious that you’ll have to give him sex, even
if it’s just once. On this road, you will have to be patient.
You do not want a shake and bake player who tries to get attention by
pretending that he’s Mr. Romantic so it’s important to take the time to date
around so that you have the opportunity to meet someone special.
What you need to know is that you are a magnet attracting to yourself
exactly who you are. There has to be something about you that leaves a
lasting impression on a man - not leaving your underwear at his place. And
this thing about you should pull certain men towards you causing them to
pursue you.
If you’re not on fire, no one will watch you get heated up. Your life must be
more than having someone around because you’re lonely. When you turn
yourself on by doing the things that makes you come alive, you will have no
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problems attracting Mr. Right.
Some women want it all but they’d rather take the easy route - wanting men
to come rescue them and fill them up. A man will get excited about you
when you have something going for you. He doesn’t want to be your daily
entertainer or your sugar daddy; he wants to be an equal.
So this means you must have the courage to look within. Is your life
something that a man can get excited about? Is there anything different or
special about you other than the fact that you are a human with worth, you
have a J-O-B or you were once a cheerleader for your high school football
team?
You may see a great guy and literally fall off your chair every time you think
about him but if a man is not attracted to you and decides that he does not
want to pursue you, get it together by realizing that you are still worthy and
enough. Don’t you ever go mad by thinking these forbidden thoughts,
“What man would ever want me?” You shouldn’t define yourself by
someone else’s perception of you.
Get excited about your life by pursuing your passions and dreams, growing
spiritually, work on developing your character, taking care of your health,
and building solid relationships.
Please don’t sit in a cave at home and expect that you’re going to meet
anyone. You’re not to go out to get the man; you’re to go out to make
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yourself available so that he can chase you. When was the last time you
took a class, tried a different sport, volunteered, joined a group, went to the
gym, or went away for some R and R? A man wants to meet a woman who
has a full life with just enough room to squeeze him in because he values his
freedom. A secure man will find you absolutely irresistible when you sizzle.
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Chapter 17 -The Happy Ones
Think about survival of the fittest theory, translate it into survival of the
happiest fact and you’ll understand why you must be a genuinely happy and
optimistic person in life. If you want to be successful in life and with men,
you’ve got to know how to have fun. Real men love fun, exciting women
who also happen to be classy and intelligent. Without a great sense of
humor, you’ll get no where with a man.
I used to be the strong serious type who had albatross written all over my
face. No one ever thought I knew how to laugh. I didn’t give myself
permission to have fun. I remember when I discovered how to reflect joy
that people were drawn to me and men just couldn’t resist my smile.
I don’t care if you need to use those white strips but you’d better put a smile
on your face - radiate real joy by finding and creating joy within first.
What’s inside will come out. I’m not talking about being loud and
obnoxious. I mean, there’s no harm in really cracking up until you fall flat
on the floor but if you’re sounding like an ambulance just to get attention,
you will turn people off. They’ll hear your siren and run.
Everyone is surrounded by a certain type of energy. Negative people suck
the living daylights out of you. Man, have you ever been around someone
who just dragged you down so much that you literally had to fight with their
energy to stay alive? Avoid those kinds of people like an epidemic. Maybe
you have some so called friends who are nothing but dead weight. Go cut
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the apron string right now.
If you’re not happy, get happy. Search for the ingredients and whip up a
happy meal. Get some counseling if you need to deal with any unresolved
issues that can leave you toxic and weighed down. Be like a woman in labor
and push that happiness out of you - then you won’t have to take a happy
pill.
Men will not be attracted to you if you look like the Wicked Witch. Bees
are attracted to honey. Men are attracted to women who are happy - be a
happy flirt. Men love women who are playful, know how to tease, and even
mischievous. Flash that killer smile in a man’s direction and watch him melt
in your hands.
It’s not about being pretentious. You can’t always be down in the dumps
and expect that anyone will want to be around you. People do not make you
happy, you are responsible for your own happiness and only you have the
power to create it within.
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Chapter 18 – How to show a man you’re interested without hunting for the kill
#1 - 1, 2, 3, Cheese!
A major turn on for men is receiving a smile from women who possess inner
confidence and joy. Men don’t like it when women look like King Kong.
Inscribe your genuine smile in a man’s heart and it will leave a lasting
impression.
Many women do not practice this simple but powerful man magnet behavior
enough. Some women have learned to be so defensive and uptight they
could drive a pack of lions away. I recently shook hands with a man who
was sitting in front of me. I was noticing the way he dressed and how he
responded to those who were close by. Then the time came for us to say
hello to the people around us. I locked eyes with him, smiled, and gave him
a firm handshake. He appeared smitten and I felt an instant attraction. I sat
down as if it was nothing then quietly hoped that my bombshell shimmering
lip gloss showed off my irresistible smile.
Believe it or not, men feel good about themselves by the way women
respond. Remember this the next time you want to nag or act unhappy about
something a man has done. If you’re not happy with a man, he will not feel
good about being around you. This is not to say that you should put up with
crap, but the best thing to do when a man does something to tee you off is to
let him know straight up without being an overly dramatic emotional motor
mouth. Then after you’ve told him how you feel, change the subject. If he
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keeps up an undesirable behavior, remove yourself from his presence or cut
off contact.
#2 - Respond to his interests and ask him for his advice/opinion
Try to get to know his area of interest or expertise then ask him questions
about it. Men love to go on for hours about themselves and what they are
good at. When you ask a man questions, you’ll get into his mind. This
increases his ability to have a connection with you. Thank him by saying, “I
really value your opinion.” Better yet, find something broken and have him
fix it. P.S. Don’t EVER ask him about the two of you. NEVER!
#3 - Be playful and mysterious around him
There’s nothing more challenging to a man than being attracted to a woman
who keeps him guessing without her acting like a stray cat. If he never
knows what will come out of your mouth, you’ll have him hooked. This
does not mean you need to keep your hands super glued on him or act so
evasive that you frustrate him. This is the same as giving him a little but
holding something back. Avoid from becoming an encyclopedia.
#4 - Have a great sense of humor and laugh at his jokes
Think about the last time someone bought into what you said and how it
made you feel. More than likely you felt on top of the world. When you
genuinely respond to a man’s jokes, he’ll think he’s Mr. Big. If you don’t
think it’s funny, then casually change the subject. Say something like, “Hey,
what did you think about the game the other night?”
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#5 - Compliment him
A man will wallow in a good compliment for days on end. Make sure
you’re sincere and avoid from acting like you’re on a talk show. A man’s
ego is as fragile as your self-esteem. If you have him thinking that he’s
world class, he’ll do the hop scotch and always seek you out. Practice this
tip: walk up to a man, smile, say something unique then walk away. See if
you don’t have him chasing you down after that.
#6 - Show admiration/appreciation
Similar to #5 - Men are biologically wired to be “Heroes” - having the
respect of others is key to feeling manly. The best way to increase a man’s
interest is to show your appreciation. If you’re out on a date and he gives
you a nice gift, thank him for it even if it is not your style.
#7 - Remember his name
If you’ve been introduced or he comes over to greet you, he will be
impressed if you remember his name the next time you meet. If you want to
blow his mind after your first hello, introduce him to someone else in the
same room while bragging a little about him. If his name is John and he told
you he just received a recent promotion, say something like, “John was just
telling me about his promotion.”
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#8 - Lock eyes with him
You may know of a man who causes your heart to race every time you think
about him. The best way to show him you’re interested is to lock eyes with
him - not the stalking type - but keep his gaze for more than a few seconds
then give him a smile. Not everyone is bold enough to have eye contact
with someone they find attractive. When you look into his eyes, you may
find something there that you’ve never seen before. Mercy!
#9 - Ask for help
This is similar to #2. If you want to awaken the “rescuer” in a man, just ask
him for his help. If you’re working together, ask him to solve a problem. A
great way to meet men in the grocery store is to ask them to reach an item
for you. This gives you a reason to introduce yourself. You can follow his
lead to see if he’s interested. Where ever you go, show men how they can
help you by finding a reason for them to feel needed.
#10 - Body language
Remain open instead of closed with your posture, arms, etc. You should not
have a needy or uptight energy but a responsive one - relax. If you come
across like you’re a Private Investigator, men will think you’re nuts and
rightly so. You can peak a man’s interest and send possible shock waves by
finding a reason to touch him briefly and occasionally when you speak with
him. Do the laugh slap - only in gentle feminine way. If he says something
funny, slap him on the arm (don’t do it like you’re boxing) and say, “Man,
you crack me up!”
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#11 - Become evasive
Many women believe that they need to be obvious about their interest by
constantly being around a man. It actually works in your best interest if you
fly low. If you were interested in a man, gave him a compliment with a
great smile then walked away, you’ll be remembered more than if you were
a 24/7 streaming internet chatterbox. Mystery is the best antidote to help a
man “wonder” – know how to keep a secret.
# 12 - Give him a gutsy wink
When all else fails, wind her up with a smile and a wink while sashaying
down your imaginary runway - just don’t have him thinking you’re a clown.
He’ll bail out and run away. Practice winking at yourself in the mirror.
Show that you’re interested in you and you’ll naturally draw men in.
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Chapter 19 – How NOT to prepare for a date
At times we tend to be moody about the way we look. Today we may feel
on top of the world and next week, like a mole in a hole, PMS-ing. Some
days I look in the mirror with shock and horror gasping, “What in the heck is
that?” I mean really, sometimes the person who is staring back at me appears
to be someone who’s done dragged themselves out of a pile of mud. On
days when I am feeling HOT, I’ll look in the mirror and think, “Damn, I
love you too, darling...you sweet, gorgeous, irresistible and fabulous
woman!” When I’m feeling “on” I want to kiss myself on the lips all day
long.
Never accept a date on your ugly days. It will make everything seem out of
sorts and you may perceive a man with your ugly day lens (too short, too
skinny, not smart, goofy, insensitive, sexist, no butt, not good looking, no
sense of humor, egomaniac etc.)
You need to look and feel like a million bucks and going on a date is no time
to try to convince yourself that you’re feeling great. This is where you
exercise self respect. As bad as you may want to meet up with Mr.
Potential, here’s where you also need to politely decline and remain open for
another time. If it’s the first time you’ve met and he wants your contact
information, give him something that has little consequence like an email
address for receiving unimportant information. If you’ve been dating for a
few months, then you have a chance to know him better and more than likely
he’ll have your important contact information.
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There are other reasons why you may need to wait to go out on a date:
•
You have a busy life. You may have deadlines to meet or little ones
who needs your attention.
•
You don’t want to jump at the opportunity and appear desperate.
•
You have other plans.
•
This gives the man time to re-orientate his mind-set as other women
usually pop as if they don’t have a life by quickly saying yes to a date.
I’d wait even if it’s James Bond. Really! Think about it: if a man is in high
demand, he already knows that any woman would jump at the opportunity to
be with him. He’s come to expect it. If you politely decline and remain
open for another time, you’ll more than likely awaken a deeper desire in him
to pursue you because human nature thrives on always wanting what it
cannot have.
I was recently asked out by a highly successful man. I had made a number
of business calls and we had a good rapport over the phone. When he asked
me out, the first thing that I said was that I was flattered but crazy busy, but I
spoke to him with lots of charm. So this road block made him want to come
after me even more.
He probably has plenty of other women just waiting at the chance to see
him. But I had a lot on the go and wanted to focus on my stuff. It took me
years to get to where I felt that I didn’t “need” a man’s attention in order to
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feel complete or thinking that making a man wait will cause me to lose out
on having him. If you’re like That Kind of Woman, you’ll earn the
reputation for being needy along with constantly living a powerless life.
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Chapter 20 – The calling game
Here’s a classic scenario: a woman begins dating a man, he romances her,
takes her out, and buys her gifts. They have great physical chemistry and
start to form a connection. They soon find themselves in a place where he’s
hinting at sex.
He wants to take it past the romance to the next level. She keeps him
waiting a little by delaying having sex until she feels ready. She feels that
this will give him time to think about her long-term. After dating for a while
longer, they sleep together.
She thought his romancing and her waiting gave him enough time to have a
deep connection to her. He seemed promising. After sleeping with her, he
finds out that she’s not what he was looking for. She expected him to
continue dating but he only wants to move on. So she sits by the phone
waiting.
More than likely she’ll be tempted to call him and after painfully waiting for
a few weeks, gives him a call. His response is distant, uninterested, and this
causes her to worry. She tries to pry for information, to subtly get the
response from him that she had in the beginning but he’s done with the
relationship. And worst yet, he didn’t give it any closure. He just pulled
away without saying a word. As they talk on the phone, he chats with her as
if she one of his buddies and quickly ends the conversation. Word to the
wise: Don’t be caught dead being that woman!
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Most men have no trouble letting women wait for a lunar eclipse when it
comes to calling. Is it because men invented the phone and have some inner
secrets about how not to have an obsession with the most hated piece of
technology by women who are dating? Men really don’t get how frustrating
it is for women when they say they’ll call. This is why you cannot make a
man your bread and butter. His words should not define you or cause you to
rearrange your life to accommodate him.
We’ve all been there where we’ve literally changed our plans or checked our
emails and messages a million times because a man showed us interest, ask
for our phone number, and then said he’ll call. We actually get angry at men
who don’t follow through. What for? If he does not have the desire to come
after you then he may not be right for you. If he’s attracted to you and do
not have the eyes to see how amazing you are, then it is his loss, not yours.
When a man does not call you, it could either mean he’s giving himself time
to think about whether he really wants to pursue you based on his first
impression, him laying back to test if you’re going to be Desperate Donna
instead of Secure Sophia, you’re not on his mind, or his initial attraction
went south. If you’ve had a few dates and he hasn’t called in a few weeks, it
means that he’s busy not thinking about you. A man who wants you will
call and nothing will stand in his way.
Before you become like That Kind of Woman who becomes needy, insecure,
and clingy because she depends on a man in order to feel good about herself,
part with your phone and bury it somewhere in the woods. Get off of the
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computer before your fingers need to go see a doctor and throw away the
Blackberry!
This may sound drastic but it’s better not to become a desperate stalker who
repel a man and cause him to think of you as an escape convict. You don’t
want to earn that kind of reputation. Women with this sort of behavior
communicate that they are not enough and will resort to pitiful acts in order
to get a man to call them or worst yet, they end up calling. Good God!
Don’t call just to see how he’s doing. All of the foolish advice about giving
him some encouragement is just another form of begging. How easy is it for
you to pick up the phone and call someone? Do you need to be convinced?
If you give into your feelings, you’ll more than likely have to say,
“Remember me?” And you shouldn’t have to go there. When a man isn’t so
impressed with you that he values you enough to know exactly who you are,
then you’re wasting your time. If you call, you may have interrupted
something that you don’t want to know about.
The bottom line is: A man should call for the first date and the majority of
the time with you being the one returning his calls. When he does call the
first time, make the smart move by letting your answering service pick up to
screen his message that way you can call all of your girlfriends and jump up
and down like you’ve won something on the Price is Right. You know
you’ll be this excited if you think he’s all that.
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Then when you’ve got it together, act like it’s nothing. Call him back and
pretend that he’s in your “Friend” category by speaking to him like you’re
grounded and sane. Keep your conversation very short and hire a body
guard if you have to get someone to manually force you to hang up the
phone so that you don’t make him into your girlfriend. Men usually use the
phone to exchange direct information – he doesn’t need to know how much
you hate your boss.
If he continues calling, allow your answering service to pick up some of his
calls. When you practice not being available all of the time, he’ll appreciate
you more when he finally has a chance to speak to you and it helps him
know that you’ve got a life. That Kind of Woman sprints to get to the phone
like she’s going for Olympic gold when a man calls her.
Attractive men get a lot of female attention. They have had plenty of
experience with women and how they respond. They know they have
options. The hardest part for a woman who’s shown some interest is to use
it to her benefit. This may all sound like a game like having to deny how
you are truly feeling but you must know that dating is a kind of dance in
which being responsive yet mysterious is your best bet.
A man is relying on you to have the ability to wait for him to do the pursuit
because this is what makes him feel like a man. In other words, do you have
what it takes? Can you handle him not calling? Are you really self-assured?
He’ll pull back for you to prove to him who you really are? Let a man have
to be the one who has to keep calling to get in touch with you- it’s more than
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likely something that he’s not used to because plenty of women these days
just can’t help but act predictable. Boring!
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Chapter 21 – Last minute dates and leaving your calendar open for him
Accepting a last minute date is a big NO. If a man cannot make the effort to
plan with you in mind, then it’s a no go. You don’t want to be an
afterthought. He may still be a virtual stranger and you don’t know what his
life is like.
For example, he may not have been able to get a date with the Smokin’
Brunette he’s had eyes for so you became a last resort. He may have been
bored, lonely, or want some quick sex. You may want the instant
gratification of seeing him but you are setting yourself up for how he will
continue to treat you if you don’t show him that he needs to be a man with a
plan.
Recently one of my girlfriends told me that a guy pursued her so much that
she ended up seeing him almost everyday for two weeks. If you behave like
this, he’ll know that you don’t have options. If you don’t know him enough
for him to tell you he’s in love with you or that your relationship is
exclusive, then you should be dating around even if you’re really into him or
he’ll think that he’s the only one on your agenda and you should never,
repeat, never have a man thinking that when you’re getting to know him.
He’ll quickly get bored and put you on the side only to reach for you when
he has nothing else. Mix it up. Be available sometimes and at other times
let him know you have plans for that day and give him a couple of options.
You want him to take the lead to pursue and ask you out, however, you want
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to negotiate the terms so you could say, “This night isn’t good for me but
next Wednesday or Thursday will work.”
I was having a conversation with my dad recently and he said, “True gold
does not go to find anyone.” Then he explained further, “When you believe
that you are a rare gem, you will wait for someone else to do the work to
discover you. You won’t make it easy for them.”
If you allow a man to have anytime access to you, he’ll start to take you for
granted. He’ll start acting crazy like he’s got you now and believes that he
can see you whenever he wants to. Have him thinking, “NAAH...it just
doesn’t work that way for me.” You have to stretch his mind to understand
that you have a mind and life of your own. As hot as he is, you still need to
be convinced so you’ll continue acting real happy to see him and be fun to
be around, but you won’t be open 24/7. “No honey, this aint 7/11.”
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Chapter 22 – What to do when you’re just getting to know him
When you are out, keep it light because you’re still getting to know each
other. Remember the guy’s not your best friend. You may feel an amazing
connection with him but it’s no time to tell him about your birth mark or
how your past relationship ended. This can be talked about much later if
your relationship develops into something more. Be honest not revealing
and definitely shut up instead of going on and on about nothing. He should
be on a need to know basis because you don’t owe him anything.
You only need to be a pleasant surprise - a breath of fresh air. If he’s the
one asking the questions, he’s in control so you want to make sure that your
conversation is balanced. If you’re asked a question that puts you on the
spot, honestly let him know that you’d rather not talk about it and politely
move on to another topic - Sports? Sometimes it’s so easy to slip out of your
own skin and try hard to impress, but you’ll be liked the most if you are your
own sweet self - let him wonder about you and allow your fragrance to
linger.
What if he’s not ready for a forever woman? Well, you won’t be his trial.
You don’t want a man to “try” you - you want him to have you. If he
chooses not to have you, you’ll move on. You would not have wasted your
time. If you hold out, you won’t be the one entangled in a sexual
relationship with him among all the others who gave it up because they fell
for him. You’re not the number for the day unlike women who give sex to
men they hardly know and remain in denial claiming that it doesn’t matter if
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the men they sleep with calls.
That Kind of Woman denies her true essence. She turns her back on herself
because she sleeps with a man before she’s really carved a place for herself
in his heart. A physical relationship mimics the “forever” that women really
want. You’re programmed for “forever” and he’s programmed for “now.”
When a woman is desperate and needy, she’ll work to put a dead bolt on a
man while hoping that sex will hold him. As soon as they’re done getting it
on, she’ll want to know where things stand. She’ll always be looking to the
man to affirm that he wants more and that’s where most men run, “Hey, I
tried you and I didn’t want to buy you.” They already know that women
think of sex differently than they do.
Dating without sex will help you keep your power because it puts the
responsibility on the man to step up to the plate so you can watch his game
for a long time, “Let me see if you can score a touchdown - outside the
bedroom.”
How can he be convinced of forever? You need to hold out his “now” for a
very, very long time until he wants to be with you forever and it will be
easier for you so that you’re not so attached that you’re trying to convince
him to convert his “now” into your “forever.” A woman who attaches
quickly confuse the sex or the attention with love and rush off to the altar
when the man’s not even developed anything real for her. She’ll do things
like:
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•
Assuming the girlfriend role.
•
Gets herself in a situation where she’s half-naked in his car.
•
Always being available, doing anything he wants, never saying no.
•
Not having an opinion.
•
Trying to “talk” about where the relationship is going.
•
Buying him gifts.
•
Leaving sappy messages on his answering service.
•
Being his sex candy machine.
•
Moving in on him by agreeing to go to his place and staying late.
•
Leaving her stuff by his place.
•
Being too friendly with his guy friends.
•
Taking away all of his free time.
•
Trying to appear that his family is her in-laws.
He’s like, “Huh, you love me? “You don’t even know me” And she’s like,
“What, you do know me, we slept together and I thought that there was
something there.” She’ll then turn into the three eyes green monster and
freak the man out.
In my story about the cable guy, I was oh so tempted to ask him out. I
wanted to guide the conversation along and pull him in with all of my
woman power!! I could have been an arrogant woman who approached him
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like a business deal. I could have given him my number and waited by the
phone for him to call. Why not? It was an unreal experience - a breath of
fresh air to perfume my day. The chemistry was there, he looked like my
Tarzan and he appeared to have the whole package. Although he was
friendly and chatty, he didn’t initiate asking me out so I had to accept the
fact that maybe it wasn’t meant to be or it wasn’t the right time.
When you have a man hooked, you’ll have his soul and he will start the
process of preparing a “home” – the “forever” that you want. You know that
you have gripped him; you’ve penetrated his heart because it will be his
idea, not yours.
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Chapter 23 – How to put a man in overdrive
When a man pursues a woman, it makes her feel more beautiful, attractive,
confident and desirable. While in pursuit, he is focused and driven to please.
Men feel good when women react to them in positive ways. It is your
reaction that makes him feel happy to be with you. Driving a man wild has
nothing to do with sex. Sex is the icing on the cake.
If you act like you need him then put a roadblock in the way, he’ll be up for
the challenge. Biologically, he’s made to penetrate. He is driven to release
himself and propel forward. He’s made to experience the physical then the
emotional. Even the miracle of the sperm penetrating the egg at conception
shows us how men are made to operate. The egg does not find the sperm,
the egg stays put. The sperm finds the egg, and then it penetrates. The
sperm wants union – it wants oneness with the egg. The egg then responds to
its penetration.
You should let his imagination be like the IMAX Theater and experience
you in 3D from afar. Instinctively, he wants to experience you and will
make excuses to come close.
Ways to put a man into overdrive:
•
Respond to his interest in a very subtle way: don’t act like you’re
starving for a man’s attention
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•
Act like you’re the star of your own show but don’t be arrogant.
•
Be affectionate. If you’re on a date and he initiates a kiss/hug,
respond if you feel comfortable with him.
•
Touch him on the arm now and again while talking.
•
Lean into him but don’t be obvious. Don’t go in his personal space
unless he invites you in.
•
Call his name when you’re speaking with him.
•
Lock eyes with him then look away with a shy smile
•
Be happy to see him and have fun when you’re together.
•
Float like a butterfly: do yourself a favor and always leave him
wanting more.
•
Be discreet: don’t put all of your cards on the table. Be playful and
mysterious.
•
Keep all talk non sexual and away from marriage/children.
•
Let him do all the work to pursue you and show your appreciation for
his efforts.
•
Maintain your distance. Remember that you’re crazy busy and as
much as you love spending time with him, you have a life of your
own.
•
Don’t always accept dates, pick up the phone nor respond to his calls:
delayed gratification increases desire.
•
Be in charge of you - respond to your needs
•
Date outside the bedroom – this includes any other private or secluded
place where sex can happen.
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Here’s another technique that you could use if you’re asked out on a date:
Instead of saying “yes,” appear flattered while politely getting the message
across that you’re not desperate. But don’t blurt out, “I’ll have to think
about that!” or you’ll appear like you’ve got issues. Smile and say
something like, “I’m really flattered, it would be nice to go out but I have a
lot on the go right now.” Tell him that you’re free three weeks from the date
he asked you out and give him your number. You’ll enter the “I’m different
zone” and it will boggle his mind all night knowing how great he is and how
different you are. You will leave him wanting more as you build the
anticipation and lift his expectations.
If you struggle with saying no or not right now, work on that. A cheerfully
polite decline while remaining open for another time will keep his interest if
he really wants to be with you. When you’re ready and if he asks you out
again, go out and have fun. Don’t beat yourself up if he doesn’t have the
courage to ask you out again. Please! Think about it, if you desperately
wanted a super hot dress, wouldn’t you do just about anything legal to get it?
Choose to be with men who will respond to your needs instead of what they
want. When a man really wants you, he won’t have a problem waiting for a
second chance.
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Chapter 24 - If the relationship is progressing
It’s been a couple of month and your relationship is progressing. Stay clear
from commitment talks, marriage, children, your biological clock even
though your man may be hot and you’re now thinking about what your kids
would look like if he was the father.
No hinting like taking him to your friends wedding or to a toy store. Refuse
from telling him how cute every baby is when you go out unless you want to
see Paul run. It will seem obvious that you’re thinking about him long-term.
I hope you’re convinced by now why it is in your best interest to keep
enough distance between you - meaning you give him the idea that you’re
not in a hurry to get him hitched.
You naturally want a commitment if he seems like a great guy so your
emotions will always try to pull you towards him. The mistake many
women make is getting so comfortable with a man that they start to verbally
assault him and sabotage the relationship. Your wonderful man should be
the one who brings up talks about your relationship going to the next level.
Your job is to reciprocate. His physical needs will pull him towards you but
you need to create enough breathing room until you find chemistry on all
three levels. Having a deep attachment will help him commit for the long
haul.
How to tell if he’s falling in love: Listen to Michael Bolton’s rendition of
“When a Man Loves a Woman.”
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Does he respond like the man in MB’s song? Some try to complicate things
by asking their girlfriends, sisters, co-workers, or search for hours on the
internet trying to determine a man’s love. They’re looking for validation
form everyone else. If you can’t tell that he loves you then he doesn’t.
There’s nothing to determine when you can see what he does. Watch a
man’s character and you’ll know who he is. If he’s in love, he’ll fit into
your life. Your best friend(s) will like him.
He’ll be into you and what you do. When it’s not there, he’s not Mr. Right.
Mr. Right will prove that he can slowly heat you up and have you to a
rolling boil when the relationship gets to “I do!” Always leave him wanting
more by being charming, happy, and deliciously exotic.
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Chapter 25 – If you’re dating and his calls start to decline
Men will try to motherize you when you’ve been dating steady and will
slowly ease out of being sweet and romantic especially if you’ve been his
sexual partner and he has nothing else to work for. That’s why you must be
smart enough to keep him working - he was designed for that. Help him
cherish the magic.
A man might stop calling just to see how you’ll respond or he may be
making the awful mistake of starting to take you for granted. If you suspect
he’s starting to take you for granted, then you need to look at what you’re
doing. Maybe you’ve inched your way into his personal space or you’re too
available. You’ve got to keep the balance between his space and your
independence. The quickest way to get a man’s attention is to remove
yourself from his presence without words while remaining happy and busy
with your own life.
If his excitement is starting to decline, you don’t need to panic and have the
talk. This is what many women do. They start to be a dry nag and his calls
will decline even more. Just get really happy and refuse from answering
your phone for a couple of days. Don’t even return his calls. Put him on
vacation to help him remember how smokin’ hot you are and watch to see
how many times he’ll call you. I can’t say it enough: Men understand space.
This is what they do to women when they are not interested or want free
time. If he really cares, he’ll keep calling and your job is to stare at your call
display while putting a smile on your very pretty face. There’s nothing
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sweeter than pressing silence on your cell phone. It just feels darn good.
When you finally return his calls, act really laid back, as if nothing’s wrong.
Just let him know that you’ve been extremely busy and couldn’t get back to
him. [NO DETAILS] More than likely he’ll go into panic mode by letting
you know how worried he was that he couldn’t get a hold of you. Oh, well.
Go with the flow, act totally innocent, and say something like, “I totally
understand how worried you must have been but I’ve had a lot on the go and
couldn’t get back to you.” You need to work it and communicate in a tone
like you just came into a million dollars. Happy, happy, happy!
He’ll be wondering if you’ve been surrounded by a pack of men and this
will give him an immediate attitude adjustment in all of the right places -
because men love to compete and can’t stand the thought of not getting the
prize so to speak.
You want him to hear your voice sounding like Marilyn Monroe from a
distance, “O yes, honey, a Harlequin Man was at my doorsteps and whisked
me off to Hawaii for two days. It was fabulous.” Anytime a man starts
acting funny with his calls, giving you an attitude, or just being a “Man,” do
the best thing and happily remove yourself from him.
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Chapter 26 – Going into His Den
You shouldn’t agree to go to a man’s place alone unless the relationship has
progressed steadily past six months or he has a party there with lots of
people over. The ultimate reason why men want women to come over is for
sex/making out. Hey, he’s not thinking that you’re going to be like his
buddy and have a couple of beers and peanuts while watching sports on TV.
It doesn’t matter if there’s a great movie or it’s the Super Bowl, you should
decline a man’s request to come over if you haven’t being going out with
him 6 months plus. You should never be so comfortable with a man that it’s
OK with you to go to his spot. This will send the wrong message. Once you
are in a man’s domain alone, it is fair game. If you’re willing to go to his
apartment, he will think that you’ll have no problems eventually getting it
on. He’ll see going to his apartment as an appetizer and do everything
possible to get to the meal and most likely think that is what you do with
other men. You can’t sit there on his sofa and drill him about waiting before
sex to get married. He won’t respect you for that and he may come to resent
you.
This is where That Kind of Woman makes a mistake. She thinks she is being
nice by agreeing to see a man’s place or she moves into his apartment and
loses her self respect. How many other women have walked into his
apartment or slept in his sheets? If you don’t want to be #60 out of 100, then
protect your reputation.
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Keep having fun and get to know him in places that are neutral. He will
keep coming your way, he’ll keep calling you, and he’ll keep romancing you
until he truly treasures you. This is what you want.
A man will think it strange if you are fun to be around but choose not to go
hang out at his place. He’s probably used to hooking up with the “I want sex
Sisters” so the minute you interject something different in the relationship,
he’ll know that you’re Not That Kind of Woman.
You’ll have him working even harder in order to prove to you how great he
is so that you’ll be convinced that he’s an amazing guy. When you decline
his request to go to his place, avoid from being his mom like pointing your
fingers and scolding him. Definitely do not go into long discussions about
it. Just say, “Hey, we’re having a lot of fun getting to know each other and
I’d rather take my time.” This will blow his mind. He’ll think of some other
way to get you there like inviting some of his buddies over - that way you
can get a view. It’ll leave the possibility of him telling you that he bought
some great electronic equipment and asking you to come over so he can
show it off.
When he brings it up again, smile like you’re on a Colgate commercial and
keep putting it off. You’ll get to see it eventually if you’re still together.
Enjoy watching him charm his way into getting you to come over again or
he’ll settle for another woman who chooses to be the flavor of the day and
stop calling.
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Chapter 27 – Having Him Over
If you have not been dating steady for 6 months plus, don’t get so wrapped
up in a man that you lose your mind by allowing him to come to your place
alone - especially if you have children. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve
heard of women being foolish by having a man over and introducing him to
her kids. [Hey man, what’s your name again?]
Kids don’t deserve experiencing numerous men coming and going in a
woman’s life. It is not in their best interest to see this. Moms should be
smart enough to put their children’s emotional well being first. Forget about
how much he makes you boil. If you can’t put your kid’s feelings first, then
you’re making bad choices in this area as a parent. At some point if you’ve
been dating for more than six months consistently and your relationship is
solid, your kids can meet him in a really casual environment - like at a park
as a friend. If he’s Mr. Right, let your kids get to know him slowly as a
friend in environments that are low key.
Because dating is a time when you’ll meet a lot of different types of men,
you want to be very careful to protect yourself just in case you meet a
potential Unabomber. This is why you don’t owe a man an explanation
when it comes to your kid’s best interest. He should be aware at some point
that you have kids and know that your kid’s feelings are more important to
you than your relationship with him. A Smart Mom desires to always do
what’s right for her kids.
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Take time to screen men carefully and take it slow so that you can allow the
relationship to properly develop. You don’t want to have a man over then
sleep with him only to find out that he’s on the most wanted player’s list.
There is no way that your kids should wake up seeing a man in your room.
They will feel violated and disrespected and you won’t feel good about
yourself whatsoever. You’ll end up feeling like the number 13.
When women act like its just sex, they are actually acting crazy. We all
know that it’s not just sex. We all know that when women experience
intimacy with a man, it’s hard for her emotions to deny that it’s just a
physical thing. And you’ll find these women crying on their girlfriends
shoulders and trying to numb their pain by digging at the bottom of an ice
crème jar.
Your home should be your sacred sanctuary and the people you allow there
should be people you trust. If you’ve been dating for a number of months,
then have him over with other friends and he’ll respect you far more.
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Chapter 28 – If the relationship is not right for you
Whenever you are dating a man and something just does not feel right, pull
back and move in the other direction. Sometimes we try to hold on to
something past its expiration date. You’ll lose his respect and your own.
When your essence cannot align with a man’s chemistry, it’s a clear message
that he’s not made for you. Politely let him know it and move on. Don’t
ever try to MAKE IT WORK!
•
Break it off
•
Do it quick
•
Be caring
•
Let him know face to face
•
Keep it brief
Ways to end it with Mr. Wrong:
“I’ve had a really good time with you. I realize that we’re not right for each
other and I want you to find the woman who’s right for you so I wish you all
the best.”
“It’s been great going out with you but I think that we want different things.
Wish you the best. Take care.”
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If you’re not ready to continue dating anyone:
“We’ve had some great times together but I’d like to take a break from
dating for a while. I wish you all the best. Take care.”
After having the “talk,” leave him alone. If he tries to contact you, do not
return his calls. You owe him no more explanation and you’ve been classy
about it.
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Chapter 29 – You thought it was going great and he ends it
When a man breaks it off, it can be a hard pill to swallow. File him away in
your Mr. Wrong category and the ones who are genuine Jerks, move them to
the part of space that has a black hole in it. Don’t allow a loser to take up
space in your mind. Do whatever it takes to get your mind off of him. Get
yourself together and get happy. Quick☺
You may have had hopes of him being the one and really enjoyed being with
him but you must take what he says to you seriously and do not become a
Drama Queen. EVER! Your secret weapon: joy, lots and lots of it.
You don’t have time to wallow in self pity. Pick yourself up, even if you
have to do so by your bra strap and don’t listen to any well meaning advice
that you should give him time, try to remain friends, or contact him. This is
not in your best interest because you should never beg a man to reconsider.
That’s not being smart!
You don’t want to appear weak because people don’t respond very well to
desperate acts. If you’ve ever watched the bachelor, you’ll know what I
mean. This is beneath you. When a man starts telling you that he is no
longer into you, he means it. You must remain calm and together. Don’t
ever break down by starting to cry in front of him but remain in control and
act like it’s totally OK with you - deal with your feelings after. Break down
and let it all out after you’ve turned your back. What he wants to hear is that
you can handle yourself like a lady not buckets and buckets of rain.
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When you’re able to get some perspective, you’ll be proud that you were
strong and didn’t fall apart. You’ll feel good about how you handled it
instead of having a criminal record of holding a man hostage to you.
My girlfriends’ relationship with a co-worker didn’t work out and she found
it difficult because it ended unresolved. She was raging angry but she didn’t
show it when she would go to work. After a couple of weeks of reflection,
she came to the realization that knowing her personal self worth and value
was the key.
She decided to not allow a man, opinions, or circumstances to define who
she is as a woman. This level of enlightenment caused her to begin to
pamper herself by going out on the town, to the spa, getting her hair done,
and new clothes. And she told me that the best thing that could have ever
happened was to bump into him looking like a Fox. That day she was hot
and she knew it. As a matter of fact when she saw him at the elevator it was
a showdown - her chance to strut her stuff. They locked eyes, he checked
her out, and when she did the cat walk straight towards him while being
happy like she just won a million bucks, he suddenly lost his confidence
[BOOM].
He tried to make small talk and she thought she’d stop but she looked down
and saw that her legs kept walking. She walked away with her power and he
was left there drooling.
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P.S. That’s how you should handle a breakup.
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Chapter 30 – Stop dating him if…
Some women accept any old thing. They believe in good enough and the
story about the man they are with goes something like, “He’s nice, but. A
smart woman believes in having the best. My dad recently said to me,
“Nicole, don’t just accept any man and run into making a commitment. Put
him to the test and screen him!”
When you’re not sexually entangled in a relationship with a man, it will
make life so much easier if you need to break it off. When you leave him,
you won’t be leaving residue of a bad decision to get it on with someone
who was Mr. Wrong. It’s not difficult to figure out when you should stop
dating a man. He’ll tell you who he is by the way he acts and I don’t know
why it’s so hard for us to believe the truth. Going around asking all of your
girlfriends for advice about what to do if he’s mistreating you or searching
for answers on the Net is enough to tell you that he ain’t for you. He will
show you what he’s made of and this is why not getting serious with a man
too soon will benefit you.
A Smart Woman wants a man with good character and won’t settle for his
personality and good looks. Take a look at the list below to see if your guy’s
plainly giving you red flags. A good man is usually balanced in these main
categories: spiritual, mental, health, family, relationships, financial and his
career.
Stop dating him immediately if:
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•
You’ve been dating for more than a year and he hasn’t had any
conversations with you (which should be his idea) about marrying
you. Men know what they want.
•
You’re living together and he stalls about marrying you. Arrange for
him to be gone for the day, rent yourself a ME haul truck and surprise
him by calling him from your own apartment.
•
He does not celebrate you by buying romantic gifts for special
occasions or takes you out.
•
He does not return your calls and calls you when it is convenient for
him.
•
He excuses himself whenever he answers his phone.
•
He shows signs that he does not respect you – look for whether he
values your opinion, attentive to your needs, verbal put downs, or just
plain insensitive.
•
He tries to borrow money - never believe the, “forgot the credit card”
story. This guy’s a bum.
•
He abuses cigarettes, alcohol or drugs (including over the counter
meds, steroids etc – trust me on this one.)
•
He’s had a criminal record - a man who has done time indicates that
he may still have serious issues with lack of respect and accountability
to authorities, the law and ultimately you.
•
You find out that your core values are vastly different.
•
He’s well past 40 and never been married/had a successful
relationship.
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•
He makes excuses about not showing up for dates.
•
He does not want to pay for your first date - a man who truly wants
you won’t mind because he wants to impress you.
•
He acts withdrawn around you or starts telling you that he loves you
and it’s only been a few months.
•
Persistently makes excuses about not getting back to you: he
lost/forgot his cell phone, it fell in the tub, the dog ate it, aliens
abducted it etc.
•
You begin to feel uncomfortable around him - there’s something
about his energy that tells you in your gut, “What you see is not what
you’re getting.”
•
He calls persistently: you feel uncomfortable about him contacting
you five times a day and he just doesn’t get that he should stop.
•
Acts differently when he’s around you from his family/friends
•
Pressures you to have sex or wants you to perform sexual acts.
•
You find out that he’s sleeping with other women while dating you.
•
He has unresolved abuse in his family background: physical, sexual,
or emotional
•
His family is grossly dysfunctional.
•
He doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother, father, siblings,
friends, co-workers
•
He did not form a healthy attachment with his mother from birth.
This is critical. You want to find out about his maternal bonding as
quickly as possible. A man will not know how to love you if he
didn’t bond with his birth mother or formed a maternal bond with a
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woman when he was a child. A healthy bond with a woman will
teach a man how to love and respect you.
•
He’s too much of a mama’s boy.
•
He does not have any positive male role models - this is also critical.
•
He’s not a man of his word
•
He has/had major financial problems.
•
He can’t keep a steady job.
•
He doesn’t handle stress well - i.e., he’s a Road Rager. Always
complains about his job/co-workers. It’s always somebody else’s
fault. Starts talking badly about his past relationships, girlfriend/wife.
•
He talks as if he’s the victim all of the time.
•
He has no vision/goals/plans for the future or any interest outside
himself.
•
He’s not emotionally grounded: The world revolves around him; he
has massive ego issues and can never think about anyone else but
himself.
•
Does not show empathy or compassion.
•
He’s not divorced or has been married more than two times.
•
He’s recently separated or broken up with his girlfriend.
•
He’s left his wife/girlfriend to be with you.
•
He has unresolved issues with his wife/girlfriend. Things don’t add
up. There’s always conflict present.
•
He tells you that his past relationship(s) was bad because of his EX.
•
He gloats about other women to make you jealous.
•
You find out he’s cheating on his wife/girlfriend.
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•
You find out that he mistreated women in his past relationships - if he
was a dog, he’s still a dog.
•
He’s abandon his children including not wanting to see them and not
paying child support.
•
You find out that he thinks more about wanting your relationship than
the emotional well being of his kids.
•
He wants to introduce you to his children too soon into the
relationship. You should wait at least 6 months.
•
He’s had children outside of marriage and does not father them
consistently.
Some men can present themselves to appear like Prince Charming. They
will act the part and can have you convinced that they’re everything you’ve
been waiting for. A man talks by what he does, so if he tells you a little lie,
this means he’s a BIG Liar. Run!
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Chapter 31 – The Big Bad “M” Word so they say
Society has conditioned the minds of many women to believe that being
married and having kids or being a Housewife is a huge inconvenience.
Women are made to have kids. If we choose to have children, it just makes
sense that we are biologically wired to want security. Children deserve
having both a mother and father’s commitment and partnership to raise
them.
Some women do not have the benefit of partnership making it extremely
challenging for children. We’ve heard enough from those who claim that
women don’t want or need marriage. Smart women know the truth. Here are
just some of the typical excuses that many women make:
•
“We are making sure we’re right for each other before we get
married.”
•
“We love each other and are committed; we don’t need to get
married.”
•
“I don’t believe in marriage. It’s not worth it.”
•
“It’s just too expensive and too many people end up getting divorced.”
•
“We don’t plan on having children. We’re right for each other, so we
don’t need marriage.”
•
“We’re redefining marriage for ourselves. We don’t need the status
quo.”
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It is easy to understand the fears that many have these days about marriage,
but a lot of statements are just negative attitudes brought about by ideologies
that are grossly anti-marriage. Sometimes the women who make the
statements above are in denial. If you’re OK with the fact that you don’t
need marriage then more than likely, a man will be OK with you being his
permanent centerpiece- it may work for him but does it really work for you?
Marriage is not just a piece of paper or a contract that you get involved with
if you’re in the mood. Marriage is a union that super exceeds dating and
shacking up. When people get married for the right reasons, they have the
opportunity to participate in a sacred covenant that unites more than their
bodies. They have the privilege of having their relationship come into union
with Divinity.
One can argue that there are those who are married that seem to have empty
relationships - nothing sacred there. I do agree. Many couples don’t seem
to have a deeper purpose for their marriages. The state of marriage today is
in disarray. This foundation that contributes to the security and well-being
of the family has been chipped away for decades leaving many broken
homes.
The modern woman has been enticed to throw out marriage, treat it with
little respect and to be OK with a man being committed to her halfway.
There’s a philosophy that marriage is beneath a woman or places her in
bondage. It doesn’t matter how you spell it, it is more likely that a man will
cherish you when he works for you and holds himself accountable to you,
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God, and your community. But if you have the egotism of the contemporary
know it all girl and the superiority of being a goddess, then you may end up
with plenty of men willing to give you a “try.”
If you observe how we are taught to refer to women who played the roles of
mother and wife on TV in the 40’s and 50’s, you’ll notice that our culture
dishonor and despise these women. The attitude is like, “Let’s throw that
out and invent something better.”
Is demanding less from men better? Is it working for us? Many of us don’t
want to think of ourselves as a cheap used call girl yet we are encouraged to
dress it all up and put makeup on by using statements like, “Let’s move in
together first.” A few decades ago, men knew that they had to do more than
have orgasms. They knew they had to answer to a woman’s father, mother,
extended family, their own families, their communities and to the Divine.
They were held accountable to more than themselves – check and balance.
If you want to offer a man maid service, pamper him, give him free meals,
your heart and anytime sex, he will take the drive, admire the scenery, stop
off and get some latte, drop you off to go hang out with his buddies, then
give you back your car. You – you’ll feel used (as you should feel if you
allow a man to test drive you), angry, and wonder why men are jerks. Then
there you’ll go again, crying on someone’s shoulder, trying to suck it up and
giving the next man you’re with the hostile treatment.
He probably doesn’t deserve it. You keep getting yourself hurt by
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demanding less from men. You keep trying to fit the high speed woman’s
shoes by giving men the instant touch down feeling and making them lap it
all up. But if you decided now that once and for all you’ll act like a Queen
then you may have so many marriage proposals, you won’t know what to do
with them all.
Or maybe you’ll decide against this because you want to keep doing what
you believe works for you. In addition, you may be OK with sleeping with a
few more men. You love the lightning and the thunder and you just can’t do
without your dessert. Ok, have it your way and if you decide differently,
come back and read my book.
Hey ladies, men can do without us if we’re easy because they have so many
women who’ll lay down with nothing in return. Come out from under the
spell of the angry feminists who had twisted and misguided agendas to take
men down while trying to make us believe that we’ll get more by being like
them.
For those of us who really love men and want forever: We want a quality
man who deserves us, we want our man to be an equal partner, we want him
to take the lead to fall madly in love and yes, we want marriage. Then our
lives can be shared with ongoing romance, mind blowing great sex, different
planet talks, bills, a home, couple fights, toilet troubles and beautiful little
babies who we’ll have to do everything for and at last get a smile that melts
our hearts. SHHH….this should be a woman’s little secret!
135
136
Chapter 32 – Blame Him No More
Haven’t we all been there? Our girlfriends are sick of us gossiping and
complaining when we feel we’re being treated badly by men. Some of us
women need to be bold and tell our girlfriends to just quit it. Quit going on
and on about poor little you. Stop nagging him for attention and give
yourself some.
You shouldn’t have to beat it out of a man about how he feels about you.
Subtle or blatant disrespect doesn’t just happen, it is caused by permission.
A man’s respect for a woman is equivalent to her respect for herself. Men
have been spoiled by the have your way with me kind of woman that some
know how it all ends when they meet the average female. Elevate his
expectation.
What if you’ve been dating for a while but he hasn’t committed to anything
more serious? Don’t nag him about it - don’t even bring it up. Stop dating
him. How many times do we hear about men who don’t commit? He
doesn’t want anything more from you than what you’re giving him. You’re
not that important and if you’re being That Kind of Woman, he’ll definitely
feel that he’s set.
Don’t ever negotiate with a man to want you more. Just get the heck out of
his life and out of his space. We’ve grown up reading and watching fairy
tales where the maiden was courted and wooed by her love interest until he
finally proved himself to her that he was worthy of her love, and she fell
137
absolutely madly in love with him. There was an art to the exchange. He
goes to the ends of the world because he is to “have” her. He is determined
to win the heart of the maiden and does whatever it takes to make it happen.
When he has been courageous, he gets the prize – his fair maiden.
People treat trash differently than they treat a trophy. A trophy is something
that you have to sweat for; trash on the other hand is something to be
disposed of. A man will treat you like a prize, will hold you and never want
to let you go if he had to go through hell to get you. If you sleep with a man
before he marries you, then you may be setting yourself up to be treated like
trash. We naturally value the things we have to work hard for.
Analyze your relationship history with men. Be honest about how you were
treated. Did the relationship end with you thinking that these men were
jerks? Could it be that these men had an underlying disrespect for you
because you made it easy for them to relate to you this way?
How about now, are you in a relationship that is not working for you and
you’re wondering why? Do you want the roses, the candlelight dinners, the
long walks, and the surprise jewelry? Do you want your man to adore you
and tell the world how lucky he is to have you? Are you constantly saying,
“He’s not romantic?” He won’t be romantic because you’re still focusing on
him and you’re trying to make it happen. You haven’t given him any work.
Get the heck out of the house, go shopping for an outfit that rocks your body
138
and tell him you’re going away for a few days – without him. Book a trip to
some place, any place. Do it now. Oh, don’t call or answer your cell phone
while you’re away.
Here are a few one liners that you could tell him:
If you’re going away by yourself: “Honey, I’m going out of town for a few
days”
“I’m not quite sure where to. I’m still looking into some options.”
If you’re going away with friends: “Honey, I’m going away with some
friends for a few days.” ”We haven’t firmed up our plans yet. We’re still
looking into some options.”
Whether with friends or alone, remain vague and you’ll keep him on his
toes. When you have decided upon your destination and where you’ll be
staying, only give the necessary info. “I’m going away to XYZ and I will be
staying at the Heights Hotel.”
You’d be surprise how quick you get attention when you give yourself some.
If you re-orientate your partner’s mind and wake him out of being lulled to
sleep then he’ll have a reason to do something different. Keep nagging and
he’ll retreat into an angry, self-centered blob who hates the fact that he really
did end up with an overbearing grunt. Shut up, take action and he’ll watch
and learn.
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Here are some more tips: Get really moody by getting a new hairdo, wear a
different shade of lipstick/gloss/blush/eye shadow, wear a new perfume, get
your nails done or wear a different nail polish. All should compliment your
age and skin tone. Every time you go anywhere, first dress so that you feel
like a Woman (Caution: avoid looking like a porn star, throw out the baggy
clothes and the jeans that make your butt sag).
Second, instead of wanting your man to give you attention, give yourself
some real good attention by telling him that you’re going out for the
evening(Tip: make sure you look like you’re going to the Emmy’s). If
you’ve been dating for a while, wait until he wants to go out with you, then
batter up. Say, “Darn, I would love to go out tonight but I’ve already made
plans with some friends.”
Third, if he asks where you are going and who with, let him know you
haven’t decided but you were going to meet up with some friends and go
from there (Wisdom: be mysterious and very vague).
And last but not least: Don’t’ answer any wireless mobile devices if it’s him
who’s calling. For goodness sakes put the phone on silent. Repeat the
above once every couple of weeks without nagging and you’ll see what
happens. This is called, “Man Training101.” He’ll be annoyed thinking,
“Oh, where is she going NOW?” Your response: “Just out with friends Hon,
I thought you wanted to watch the game.”
When you return, he’ll probably want to know where you went and with
140
whom. Be sure to light up and answer: “I was out with some friends and we
had a great time. [YAWN] Honey, I’m extremely exhausted so if you don’t
mind, I’m going to have an early night. Goodnight.”
That’s it. Remain sweet and don’t let him pull any more information out of
you. Ok, as you retreat to your warm cozy bed, be sure to have your Hottie
smile on – perfectly written on your angel face.
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Chapter 33 – Banish That Kind of Woman and awaken to Queen
If you have accommodated being That Kind of Woman, now’s the time to do
something really dangerous and extremely time sensitive. If you are
presently attached and you’re not getting the sort of attention that you’re
wanting from your man, it’s time to make an extreme adjustment.
You need to go way back, all the way to what it means to be you. Love
yourself unconditionally and seek your purpose. Pursue your goals and
dreams. If you don’t know who you are and what you are created for, then
any man can define that for you. Begin by being honest and do some soul
alignment.
Next you need to take a good hard look at your past and/or present
relationships. More than likely there has been a pattern. Observe how your
relationships usually begin/end:
•
Do you usually initiate relationships with men?
•
When you start to date, do you see him everyday?
•
Are you the other woman or a friend with benefits?
•
Do you end up calling to make a date?
•
Do you call regularly (i.e. are you the dependable doormat?)
•
Do you always say yes every time a man asks you out?
•
What does he usually give you for your birthday/Valentine’s day, a
less than romantic gift?
142
•
Do you usually have sex on the first/second/third date, within a month
of knowing a man or perform various types of sexual acts?
•
Are you living with him? Do you change just for him?
•
If he doesn’t like your new hairdo/clothes/makeup, do you feel bad
about yourself or do you say, “Too bad babe, I love it!”
•
Do you usually have no opinion? Are you a “yes” woman?
•
Do you make excuses and crash at his place or he yours?
•
Do you let him meet your kids (if you have any) within weeks of
dating?
•
Are you always there, available every time he calls? Do you abandon
your girlfriends? (You went shopping and went missing)
•
If you have an argument, do you usually let it slide or the first one to
say you’re sorry?
•
What happens in your relationship when it begins? How does it
unfold? How does it end?
Practice self forgiveness if you have been mistreated by men and release
these men from ever hurting you again. It is usually because there’s
something in you that attracted that form of abuse and tolerated it because
you attracted these men to the broken part of you.
If you sleep with the men you are dating, stop! Reject the high class call girl
status and come down to womanhood. Date around but don’t sleep around.
It doesn’t matter if you’re 50 and been divorced three times.
If you have moved in with your boyfriend as is popular these days, move
143
out. Get yourself a ME haul truck. I’m not advocating that you break up
with him, just calling you up to be a Queen. Can your relationship survive if
you no longer live together?
Do something dangerous by letting him know that you’ve been doing some
thinking and you’d rather live on your own. Deep down inside many
women want men to really want them, to give complete love and devotion,
and to feel special.
Start living as an independent, confident woman who’s OK with not having
to live with a boyfriend. Own your own place, have your own things,
manage your own money and drop the pretend wife title. He may become
angry because he was being spoon fed. He’s probably contented and you’re
going to ruffle the nest.
Give him time to get over it without being in his face telling him all the
reasons why you’ve made this decision. This will test his heart, give him
some work, and reveal to you what sort of relationship you really have.
When men care, they usually want to move closer as you move farther away
from them. It is no coincidence that men usually want to propose or commit
more deeply to a woman when he fears he is losing her.
You have to risk being a Queen in order for you to get what you deserve –
being treated like one. If you’re living with your boyfriend and you let him
know that you will be moving out, this will let you know if he really does
love you or just loves you for pretending you are his wife. Don’t lie to
144
yourself or act delusional by making excuses that you’ll never see each other
because of your busy schedule. You’ve got a life apart from him, don’t you?
If your relationship is in a rut, it will most likely go to the next level or fizzle
out.
Completely mess him up by letting him know that you’d like to hold off on
sex for a while. Assure him that you love him and really want to be with
him. Don’t say why or when. If you really love him then love yourself first.
He’ll probably think you’ve lost your mind and you’re in the process of
joining the convent. O well.
Keep stepping back and see what he does. One step back with your physical
space and two steps forwards with your affection will keep him wondering.
Continue being happy to see him, being fun to be around (as he might not
be), let him know you think he’s great etc. Avoid from telling him that
you’ve read this book and that you don’t want to be That Kind of Woman
any longer. More than likely you’ve given him some work so forget about
nagging him about getting off the couch on a Saturday night. He’ll be off
the couch in a flash and will stand to attention.
145
Chapter 34 – Taking dating to the next level
If you don’t want to be That Kind of Woman - the kind of woman that men
put on their “B” list - then there has to be something about you that is
different and unique. There’s something really powerful, extremely sexy,
and intriguing about a woman who has assured confidence. This sort of
confidence is not in her hips, cleavage, mini skirt, status, goop of makeup, or
belittling/patronizing men. It’s not in her being sexually generous but it’s in
how liberated she really is to understand and behave in ways that appeal to
the inner dialogue of men.
The “I’m it, I’m tough girl, I’m modern so respect me, independent, sexed
up, wall robe malfunctioning” philosophy needs to be thrown out and
replaced by a sleek, sophisticated, charm that leaves a woman with plenty of
options and a man with a whole lot to think about.
Somewhere out there, there’s a middle class, upper class, small class, big
class, white collar, blue collar, middle of the road, modern woman who
secretly believes that it’s only “those girls” and not her, she really thinks that
she’s Not That Kind of Woman.
If you no longer want to be a lonely feminist who beat men up while
declaring, “I’m done with men” then it is within your power to create a way
of life with values and beliefs that you won’t compromise.
Men want us strong, but they don’t want us to act like “men.” Quality men
146
want us beautiful but they don’t want a tramp. Decent men want to marry
women but they don’t want to be treated like little school boys who needs to
be told what to do. We’ve gravitated towards norms that nurture the power
chick but fuel a disconnecting of the feminine soul. This results in many
men disengaging from women in today’s culture. It’s almost like they don’t
quite know what to do. Women want attention from men, yet scold them for
showing genuine interest. How often do we hear of chivalry - true,
enduring, passionate pursuit without the fear of stomping on a woman’s
right?
We want to see more of the confident and graceful feminine spirit. She may
come in different shades of color, from different backgrounds, have different
styles, likes, dislikes, tall, short, skinny, big, engineer, professor, doctor,
stay-at-home mom, musician, scientist, actress, millionaire, high school
grad/drop, single mom.
Whatever her history, she’s different but the same. “She,” “Woman,”
“Feminine,” “Female” - the true feminine spirit is what the masculine spirit
finds irresistible and this triggers his manliness to arise. It’s up to us to
make a difference in the way men and our girls perceive us.
Be World Class. Float like a butterfly and Simmer like Soul Food.
I believe in the potential of all women and I believe in you. Thanks for
reading my book and happy dating!
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End Notes
If you have enjoyed reading my e-book, spread the love by telling all of your
girlfriends about it then get back on the site and write your very own review.
You may know married women who have single, unmarried girlfriends or
you may be a single woman who knows single, unmarried women.
Be sure to visit my blog for up-to-date dating advice. You can subscribe to
receive regular updates via email.
www.notthatkindofwoman.blogspot.com
Most of all, I’d love to hear from you. Please send your email/comments to
info@notthatkindofwoman.com
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About Nicole
Nicole Gayle is the author of the e-books, What to Do When Your Partner
Wants Out and I’m Not That Kind of Woman. Nicole is an accomplished
songwriter as well as an aspiring author and entrepreneur. She has two
beautiful children ages 6 and 2.
Websites
www.whenyourpartnerwantsout.com
– breakup advice
www.notthatkindofwoman.com
– dating advice
Blogs
www.whenyourpartnerwantsout.blogspot.com
www.notthatkindofwoman.blogspot.com
Music
www.myspace.com/notthatkindofwomanmusic
The song, Not That Kind of Woman was performed by Sophia Messado. If
you’d like to contact Sophia, send your emails to
info@notthatkindofwoman.com
.
© 2008 Nicole Gayle - All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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