AttheRiskofForgetting
A.M.WILSON
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Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsoftheauthor’s
imaginationorusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,orlocalesis
entirelycoincidental.
AlsobyA.M.Wilson
Indisputable
TheReviveSeries:
RedesigningFate
ResurrectingHer
HisDeliverance
1.
“I’mgrabbingacoffeeonmywayin.”
RainpeltedmyyellowumbrellaasIrusheddownthecrackedsidewalktowardstheonlycoffeeshop
intown.Ofallthedaysformycartobreakdown,ithadtobethedaywe’reexperiencingtorrentialrain.
FactorinthatthetinytownofArrowCreekhadonlyonetaxi,zeroUberdrivers,andonebusthatleftat
theasscrackofdawn,leftmyoptionsatcallinginsickorwalking.
Then add in the very important meeting with my boss scheduled for 10 a. m. and my decision was
madeforme.
Thegrayskiesoverheadreflectedmymoodasmyownstormofnerveschurnedinsideme.I’dbeen
withtheambulancecompanyinourcountyfornearlyadecade,andthiswasthefirsttimeI’dtakenthe
steptospeakwithmybossaboutimplementingnewtechnology.Tosayourcurrentsystemwasarchaic
was a gross understatement. Patient care was important to me, and it was hard to maintain when
paperworkwasoftengettingmislabeledormisplaced.Anewstreamlinedelectronicsystemwasexactly
whatweneeded.Theproblem,however,wasthattheboardandmybosswereagroupofoldergentlemen
whofirmlybelievedinthemotto,“ifitain’tbrokedon’tfixit.”
“You’vestillgotanotherfifteen-minutewalk.Youdon’thavetimeforcoffee,”mybestfriendKiersten
groanedthroughthephone.
“It’sbecauseIhaveanotherfifteen-minutewalkthatIneedcoffee.Iwon’thavetimetodownacup
beforethemeeting,andIcan’tgointoameetingwiththosemisogynisticassholeswithoutcoffee.”
“Thisistrue.”
Ihummedaresponseandsteppedintothewarmcafé.Justthesmelloffreshcoffeebeansandsweet
donutswokemeup.Idriftedintolinebehindatall,darkhairedmanandlistenedtoKierstenpryintomy
privatelife.
“So,areyougoingtotellmeaboutyourdatelastnight?”
Isighed.Idon’tknowwhenI’dlearntostoptellingKierstenaboutmyfaileddatinglife,butIwished
I’dstartedmonthsago.
“Notmuchtotell,”Imumbled,sandwichingthephonebetweenmyearandshouldertodigmywallet
frommypurse.“Wehadanicedinnerathisplace,andthenIleft.”
She’ssilentforabeat.“Sayagain?”
“Youheardme,”Imuttered,notwantingtorepeatmyself.Thelinemovedforwardastep,soIwent
withit,prayingithurriedup.
“Pleaseexplaintomehowyouwenttothisguy’shouse,haddinnerthere,andleft.Letmerephrase
that,” she shouted, stopping my retort. “You had dinner, in the place where his bed is, and you left.
Withoutsex.Whatisthematterwithyou?”
Idroppedmyvoicetoawhisper.“Hewasplaying‘PhilCollins’IntheAirTonight’.”
“What?”Kierstensputtered.
A throbbing ache began in the center of my forehead. I squeezed the bridge of my nose with my
freehandandsteppedforwardinline.“That’swhyIdidn’tstay.Youdon’twalkintoaroompossiblyto
getlaidandhavePhilCollinsatthetopofyoursexplaylist.Hugeredflag.”
Thebroadbackofthemaninfrontofmestraightened,seeminglyatmywords,andImentallyslapped
myselfforbeingsocoarseinthemiddleofapublicplace.
“Idon’tknow.Maybehe’sjustan80’sfan?Thatsongusedtobereallypopular.”
“Not for sex,” I whispered, darting my eyes around the room to see if anyone else was listening.
Exceptforthemaninfrontofme,Iseemedtobeignored.
“Maybethat’sthesongyouwereconceivedto,”Kierstenthrewout.
Atthethoughtofmyparents,mystomachsoured.“Thisconversationisover.
“Oh,comeon.So,histasteinsexmusicsucks.Hecouldhaveplayedsome,Idon’tknow,Nickelback
toputyouinthemood–ˮ
“No.Justno.”
“Ididn’trealizeyouweresohighmaintenance,Cam.”
“I’mnot.”Threepeopleaheadofme.Movepeople.Pullingthephonefrommyear,Iquicklychecked
thetime.9:30.
“Istillthinkthisisjustanotherexcuseforyou.”
Kiersten’svoicecameatme,soImovedthephonebacktoanswerher.“Leaveitalone.I’mnotseeing
himagain.”
“In fourteen years, you’ve gone out on approximately six dates, none of them ending in sex. Unless
you’repickingupprostitutesfromsomeinternetwebsite,thatmeansyouhaven’tgottensomeinfourteen
years.Areyousureyourvaginastillworks?”
Itwasmyturntostraightenmyspine.“I’mgettingcoffeerightnow.Inthemiddleofacoffeeshop.In
public,”Ihissedangrily.
She ignored me and went on. “Maybe you should get yourself checked to be sure. By a hot doctor,
perhaps?”
“Doyouwantmetograbyouadrinkornot?”Thelinefinallymoved,soIwasnowcustomernumber
three.
“Mochamacchiatowithadoubleshot.”
Atleasttheconversationmovedtoanormaltopic.
“Oh!AGerardButlerlook-a-likeOB-GYN.Canyouimaginethesizeofhis–ˮ
“Kiersten!”
“What?”Shefeignedinnocence,butI’mnotstupid.“Iwasgoingtosayhands,youperv.”
Irolledmyeyes.“I’llseeyouinfifteen.”
“That would make a good movie though. Gerard Butler, the hot, mercurial OB. By day, he feels up
vaginasandbynighthefuc–ˮ
“Goodbye, Kiersten!” I cut off her ridiculous fantasy. My cheeks suddenly felt hot, even though the
restofmewascold.
“Ohhey,whattimeistheparty?AndwhatshouldIgether?Isuckatbuyinggifts.”
Finally,atopicI’dhappilydiscussinthemiddleofacoffeeshop.
“This Saturday at noon. My place as usual. What does any fourteen-year-old like? Makeup, books,
music,clothes.Nothingdatingrelated.”ComingfromKiersten,that’dbeadisaster.“Ican’tbelievehow
oldshe’sgetting.I’mnotreadyforthisage.”
“You’reagreatmom.Youcanhandleanything.Okay,seeyousoon,chick.”Withthat,shehungup.
AsIloweredthephonefrommyear,readytoindulgeinaseriousamountofcoffee,anominousvibe
hitme.Ididn’trealizewhereitwascomingfromuntilIplacedmyphoneintomypurseandlookedup.
Hairsstooduponthebackofmyneckasashiverrandownmyspine.Thetallmaninfrontofmehad
turnedsothathewasnowfacingthebackoftheline,hisangryeyesaimedatme.
All of a millisecond passed before I got my first look into the fourteen-years-older face of my
childhoodlove,LawrenceBriggs.
OrasI’dalwayscalledhim—Law.
Oh,God.
Hewasasbeautifulasalways.Samedark,unrulyhairandgray/greeneyes.Exceptnowthatdarkhair
hadafewthreadsofgraynearthetemples,andhiseyeswereoutlinedbycreases.
Andhewastall.SomuchtallerthanthelasttimeIsawhim.Andbuilt.Lawwasalwaysstrongbut
more lean than buff. Now he had big, rounded biceps that I was surprised fit into the sleeves of his
Henley.
Mymentalcalculationofallthewayshe’dchangedwascutshortwhenheopenedhismouth.
“Explainsalot,”hegrowled,notconcealingthetoneorvolumeofhisvoice.
Panicstoleoverme,andIlookedaroundtheroomforassistance.Everyonewasconvenientlyrushing
aroundorignoringmyblatantpleaforanintervention.
“I-I’msorry?”Thatshiverturnedintoafull-ontremble.
“Fourteenyearsago,youdisappearedintothenight.Withoutatrace.Nobodyknewwhereyou’dwent.
Hearingyounow,itsoundslikeyougotyourselfateenageddaughter.Explainsalot.”
Iopenedmymouthtodeny,deny,deny,butplayingdumbwouldgetmenowhere.There’snowayin
hellIwouldn’trecognizethemanstandingbeforeme,justlikeheknewitwasmeassoonasIgotinto
linebehindhim.Hell,Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifheclockedmethesecondIopenedthedoortothisplace.
Istudiedmywetshoes.“Youdon’tknowanything.”
“Ineverwasastupidkid,”hebitout.
Forasecond,myheartcompletelystopped,andmyeyessnappedtohis.Heknew.Ididn’tknowhow,
buthe’dfigureditallout.
“I’msureashellnotastupidman.Icandosimplemath.Iknowyouwouldn’thaverunawayforthe
hellofit.Evenifyourwholelifewenttoshit,youstillhadmeandyouknewit.”
“I’vegottogo.I’msorry.”Screwgettingcoffee.IfIstoodthereanothersecond,Iwasgoingtobreak
down.
Evenasmyfeetcarriedmetothedoor,Icouldfeelmyhearttryingtopullmebacktowardshim.
“Justtellmewho!”Hebarkedafterme.
My spine straightened almost painfully, the realization that he didn’t know hit me like a semi-truck.
“Who,what?”Iwhispered,notturningaround.
“Whoknockedyouup?”Thiswasgrowledfrombesideme.Rightnearmyear.TheclosestI’vebeen
toLawinfourteenyears,anditphysicallyhurttohavehisbodysonear,butemotionally,he’sneverbeen
furtheraway.
Idroppedmyhead.“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
“Matters to me. Matters whose dick was so important you’d throw everything we shared away.
Damnit,youdroppedoutofschoolandlefttownwithoutsomuchasanoteinmymailboxastowhereyou
went.Doyouknowwhatthatdidtome?”
Agony.
Hetriedtoconcealit,butitwasthere,threadedthroughhiswordsandhistone.Andforme,itscored
itselfontomyheart.Nexttoalltheothermarksfromleavinghiminthefirstplace.
“Law,I-ˮ
Hecutmeofftoleaninandspit,“Lawrence.”
“L-Lawrence.” The tremble in my voice was audible. His name felt strange on my tongue. I hadn’t
spokenitaloudinadecadeandahalf.“I’msorryforwhatIdid.But,Ireallyhavetogo.”
As I pushed through the door I longed for him to chase after me, as stupid as that was. But he just
stoodthere,theloveofmypast,glaringatmelikehewishedIwasdead.
Ifeltdead.
Somuchso,eventherainslappingagainstmyscalpwhenIforgottoopenmyumbrelladidnothingto
pull me out of my trance. I was halfway down the next block when I realized I was soaking wet and
finallyopenedthestupidthing.
“Hey,where’smycoffee?”Kierstenasked,asItrudgedsoddenlyintotheofficebuildingwherethe
meetingwasscheduled.
Iliftedmyemptyhandstomyface,staringunseeinglypasttheirwrinkledtexture,anddroppedthem
limplyatmysides.
“Oh,shit,whathappened?”
Iopenedmymouth,thenclearedmythroatbeforeIcouldgetthewordstosqueezepassed.Eventhen,
they sounded hoarse. “I need you to drive me home. I’d walk, but I’m really cold. I can’t go to this
meeting.”
Kiersten tilted her head, concerned. “I don’t think you should miss it. They might not give you a
secondchancetopresenttheinfoagain,andIknowhowhardyou’veworkedonthis.”
“They’lleatmealive!”Iscreeched,andKierstentookastepback.“Notlikethis,Ican’t.Idon’thave
achance,”Imumbled,thewordsnotmakingsense.“You’retheonlypersonIhavethatcantakemehome.
Ifyouwon’tdoit,I’llwalk,butit’sstillpouring.”Irubbedawethandacrossmyforeheadasmoretears
cloggedmythroat.“I’dliketohavesometimealonebecausecomefouro’clock,mygirlwillbecoming
homefromschool,andIcan’tletherseehermommalikethis.”
Kierstengatheredhercoatandnabbedherkeysfromhertopdrawer.“Okay.”Shepressedherkeys
into my palm and curled my fingers around them. “Go start the car, and I’ll call Mr. Ross to tell him
you’resick.Youoweme.ThismeansIhavetomissmylunchbreak.”
MyvoicetrembledwhenIreplied,“Thankyou.”
Afogginesssettledovermeasthestrongemotionswaned,andIwalkedinadazetotheparkinglot,
unlockedthecar,andstartedit.Hotairblastedme,butIcouldn’tfeelanything.Mymindwasasblankas
itwasoverwhelminglyfull.Iwasjustnumb.
Thankfully,Kierstenkeptherquestionstoherselfontheridebacktomyhouse.Ithankedherforthe
rideandwalkedmyselfinside.Afteralonghotshower,Ifinallystartedtothaw,andthat’swhenthetears
fell.
Loadsofthem.
Ididn’tallowmyselftobreakdownwhenIlefthomeallthoseyearsago.Therewasn’tanyroomto
feelsorryformyselfwhenthedecisionhadbeenmineallalong.Moneymayhavebeenanincentive,but
nobodyforcedmetogo.Ijustdidn’tknowhowtofaceLawwiththemagnitudeofmymistakes.Whenhe
found out the truth, I was going to lose him either way, and that solidified my decision. In the end, I
wantedittobemewalkingaway.Evenifthatmademeacoward.
Seeinghimagainbroughtallthosefeelingsrushingbacktothesurface.Imadeagameplan.Ihadsix
hours.
Forthefirsttimeinfourteenyears,IletmyselfcryforallthatI’dlost.ToremembertheboyI’dloved.
AndafterIdidthat,I’dpullmyselffrommybed,cleanmyselfup,andgreetmybabygirlwhenshegot
offthebusfromschool.
Because losing Law might have been a consequence of the greatest mistake of my life, but I could
neverbringmyselftoregretmydaughter.
Seventeenyearsearlier...
“Hey!Waitup!”
IracedmybikethroughthecloudofdirtLaw’stireskickedup,attemptingtocatchhim.Tallweeds
androguetreebrancheswhippedagainstmybarelegs.Rainbegantofallfromthedarkgraysky,andeven
thoughIwaschillyanddamp,asmilegracedmyface.
Ilaughedheartilywhilemakingmylegsburnandfollowingmybestfriend.
“You’llhavetocatchup,”heshoutedbackbeforeracingoffagain.
Pedalinguphillwashardenough,buttheonce-hardpackedearthwasquicklyturningtomudbeneath
my tires. Not to mention we weren’t even on a real biking trail. The trail Law had chosen was in the
middleoftheforest.Powerlinesranoverheadliketrailmarkers,delineatingthespacethatwasusually
overrunbyfourwheelersorsnowmobiles,dependingonthetimeofyear.
Thiswasn’tthefirsttimewe’dbeendownthispath,butitwasalwaysLaw’sidea,andIwasalways
stucklaggingbehind.
Ididn’tmind.I’dtakejustaboutanythingtospendtimewithLaw.Besides,thetrailendwasclose.
Thebuzzofthebusyhighwayreplacedthesoundofinsects,soIknewIwasalmostthere.
“Waitforme!”Iwheezed,suckingingiantgulpsofair.Standingonthepedals,Ileanedforwardand
gave myself one final push. I was going to make it. Getting off and walking wasn’t an option unless I
wantedtobeteasedfortherestofthesummer.
Justasthebikepickedupspeed,thetrailopened.Lawstoodoffnexttohisbike,grinningatmelikea
jerkbecausehewasfasterandstronger,likealways,andhecouldn’twaittorubitin.
“Thoughtyou’dnevergethere,”hetaunted,restingbackagainsthisbikeandcrossinghisarmsover
hischest.
“Yeahwellyou–"Thewordsfloatedawayonthewindwhenagiantrocksuddenlyappearedfroma
patch of mud. The front tire hit it dead on. The bike flipped, sending me soaring over the handlebars.
Law’sshoutmixedwithmyscream,butIcouldn’tmakeoutthewords.Thesoundofthehighwayandthe
windroaringpastmyearscloudedeverythingelse.
Irolledandtumbleddownaslightincline.EverycoupleofturnsIcouldseethedarkgrayskyabove
me before it was replaced by the brown and green earth. My body stopped moving on its own when
inertiafinallygavemeup,leavingmedisoriented.
Lawsliddownonhiship.Icouldn’tseehim,butIheardthefrictionofhisjacketonthegrassandfelt
himstopnexttome.“Cami!Areyouokay?”
“Youputthatrockthere,didn’tyou?”Igaspedoutofbreath.
His laugh was deep and full of relief. He was scared for me. “Sorry. I thought it’d stop you from
passingme.Here,letmehelpyouup.”
His cool, damp palm slid against mine, and the other arm circled my back. With a strength most
fourteen-year-oldboyscouldn’tpossess,hepulledmeintoasittingposition.“Areyousureyou’reokay?”
Ishrugged.Nowthattheworldstoppedspinning,Iwasalittleembarrassed.“Yeah.Myhandssting,
but nothing is broken. Tell your mom thanks, again, for buying me this helmet. Without it, I would have
beentoast.”
“Morelikeavegetable.”
Igavehimmybestscowl.“That’snotevenafunnyjoke.”
Hehaditinhimtolooksheepish.“Iknow.I’lltellher,eventhoughyou’vealreadytoldheraboutfifty
times.”
Myfingerssiftedthroughthedampgrass,findingahandfulandpullingit.“Wellifmyownmomtook
careofme,yourswouldn’thaveto.”
“Cami,stop.Don’tgodownthisroadagain.”
Acoolbreezeaidedmeintakingacleansingbreath.Insteadofreplying,Ismiledathim.“Willyou
helpmeup?Weshouldgetbackbeforetherainpicksup.”
Lawstaredatmeforaminute,hiseyesstudyingmyface.Iwasn’tsureifhewantedtocontinuethe
conversationorhangoutalittlelonger.Itcould’vebeenanythingwithhim.
“Yeah,sure,”hereplied,abruptlyjumpingtohisfeetandholdingouthishandformineagain.
Ourfingerswrappedaroundoneanother’s,andheyankedmetomyfeet.Istartedtopullaway,buthe
usedourconnectiontotugmeintohiswarmtorso.
Intohim.
Thecomfortwasthere.Thewarmth.Thehugbroughtmetheusualserenityitdidwhenhe’ddecide
girlsdidn’thavecootiesandwantedtotouchme.But,thistimeitalsofeltdifferent.Lawburiedhisnose
inthehairatthesideofmyneck,anditwasthenIfelthimtrembling.
“Law?”
Soslowlyitseemedlikeminutesdriftedby,hepulledhisheadfrommyneck.“I’dliketokissyou.”
AllthebreathI’deverbreathedwassuckedoutofmylungswithhiswords.“What?”
Lawwasplayful.Hewasteasingandfunnyandwild.ItwasrarethatIsawhimwithoutagrinonhis
face.But,inthatmoment,helookedsoserious.Helookedolder,too.“You’remybestfriend,Cami.And
eventhoughIdon’tlikeyoulikethat,Istillwantmyfirstonetobewithyou.”
Scratchthat.Hewasthesamewiseguyhealwayswas.
Ishovedathisshouldersuntilheletmego.Mystomachachedinthecenter,thefeelingremindingme
ofthattimeIfelloutofatreeandalltheairwasknockedoutofmylungs.Itburned,andthelongerIstood
there,theworsetheachegot.
“Unlikeyou,I’dverymuchlikethepersonkissingmetolikemelikethat.”Istompedovertomybike
andkeptgoing.“Anyways,you’retoolate.I’vealreadykissedsomeone,andhesurewasn’tyou.”
“Cami!”
“Leave me alone, Lawrence Briggs.” Victory scored inside me at that direct hit. I knew more than
anyonehowmuchhehatedhisfullname.
Idippedandreachedformyhandlebarsthathadtwistedaroundduringmyfall.BeforeIcouldpick
my bike up off the ground, though, Law’s fingers wrapped around my bicep, and he turned me into his
arms.
“You’relying.”Hisgrinwasfake.Iscoredanotherhitwithmylie.HecaredthatIkissedsomeone
elsebeforehim.
Ishrugged.“Guessyou’llneverknow.Letmego.Ineedtogethome.”
Law’sfaceturnedindecisive.Hiseyestracedtheirwayfrommyforeheadtomychinandbackagain,
andIfrozeunderhisstare.Hepulledmecloserandloweredhisheadaninchsoourlipswerecloser.
“Idolikeyou,okay?AndIguessI’llhavetosettleforsecond.”
That’sallhesaidbeforehetentativelypressedhismouthtomine.
EverygoodfeelingI’deverfeltinmylifecompiledintoaspinningvortexthatIfeltallthewaytomy
toes.Withoutthinking,IgrippedhisbicepsandLawwrappedhisarmsaroundmyback.Myeyesdrifted
closedwhileIreveledinthefeelingofhissoftlipspressedlightlyagainstmine.
The rest of it came naturally. I’m not sure who opened their mouth first, but our tongues met
somewhereinthemiddle.Thetipsgentlystrokedandproddeduntilhepushedthembothintomymouth.
Hetastedgood—warmandsweet—andIwantedhimtoneverstop.Myhandsdriftedupwards,clutching
hisshouldersandholdingonwhileweexplored.
Theearthhaltedthatdayandstartedspinningonanewaxis.Istoodonthatgrassyhill,whilebusy
cars carrying our neighbors flew passed us under a cloudy sky, and all I could think about was how I
didn’twanttokissanyoneelsefortherestofmylife.
Callitpubertyorteenagehormones,butthatwasthedayIfellinlovewithLaw.
He pulled away softly, a quiet wow slipping from his deep pink lips. “You lied. If that wasn’t your
firstkiss,yourfacewouldn’tlooklikethat.”
Ichokedonmybreath.“What?Looklikewhat?”
“Alldreamy.Likeyouloveme.”
“Idon’tloveyou.”
“Ithinkyoudo.”Hesmiled.“That’sokay,becauseIloveyou,too.”
Wordsfailedme.Lawhadrenderedmespeechless.So,IdidtheonlythingIcoulddo;Ipulledaway.
“Ihavetogohome.”
“I’llseeyoutomorrow,then.”
I tried not to run. I tried to look calm as I moved back to my bike, but inside I was a tornado of
feelings.“Yeah,seeya,”Imutteredbackandmountedmybike.Istartedpedalingawaywhenhecalledto
me.
“HeyCami!”
Iputmyfeettothegrasstosteadythebike,butIdidn’tturnaround.Icouldn’t.IfIdid,Imight’vetried
kissinghimagain.
“Youmightwanttolieaboutit,butI’mreallygladyouweremyfirst.”
Mystomachflipped,andmyheartbeatwildlyinmychest.“Me,too,”Iwhispered,tooquietlyforhim
tohear.
Idroppedmybikeinoursmallfrontyardandranupthegraveldrivewaytotherampleadingtoour
house.Rocksskitteredbeneathmyshoes,andIalmostslippedtwice.WhenIhittheramp,Islowedtoa
walk. It was weathered from the rain and snow, a little crooked, and wobbled if there was too much
weightontheleft,butRitchiebuiltitbyhimself.Iwasproudofhimfordoingsomethingthatdadwould
havedone.
Ibypassedthekitchen,movingintothehallsoIcouldchangeoutofmydampanddirtyclothes,when
sheyelledatme.“Stop!”
I sighed. A million excuses raced through my mind, reasons why I shouldn’t—couldn’t—listen.
Reaching out a finger, I traced the peeling yellow wallpaper in front of my face. The daisies depicted
therewerebeginningtolooklikeblack-eyedsusans.WantingtoignoreherbutknowingIcouldn’t,Istuck
myheadintothelivingroom.“Yeah?”
“Whereyoubeen?”Sheaskedthetelevisionmorethanme,sinceshedidn’tevenlookmyway.She
might’vebeenaparaplegic,butherneckstillworkedjustfine.
“Iwasridingmybike.”
“It’sraining.”
“Itwasn’twhenIleft.Onlycaughtmeonthewayback.”
She maneuvered her chair to face me. Her wrinkled, blue eyes narrowed and her forehead lined.
“What’swiththestupidgrin?Areyouondrugs?”
At her words, I realized I’d been smiling like I had the whole ride home. My face burned with
embarrassmentandmorethanalittledislikeformymother.Itwasn’ther,exactly,moreherabilitytopoint
outanybody’shappinessasifitwasabadthing.
“No,I’mnotondrugs.Iwasoutwith...aboy.”
Hereyesnarrowedfurther.“Idon’tlikeyougoingoutwithboysandcominghomelookinglikethat.”
Irolledmyeyesandmovedbackintothehall.Theconversationtookaturnthere’dbenocomingback
fromwithoutafight.“Youdon’tmuchlikemeanyway,soIdon’tseetheproblem.”
“What’dyousay?”
“IsaidI’mgoingtogetchanged!”BeforeIreachedmyroom,however,Iwasstoppedoncemore.
“What’reyoutwoyellingabout?”
Ismiledgenuinelyatmybrother.“Hey,WitchyRitchie.Nothing.Mom’sjustbeingherusual,happy
self.”
Hesighedandleanedagainstthedoortothelinencloset.“Giveherabreak,Cam.”
“Yeah,Iknow.Savethelecture.”
“Really,though,whatwasthatabout?Momthinksyou’reondrugs?”
Ipushedintomybedroom,tiredofstandingaroundinwetclothes.Mybrotherdidn’ttakethehintI
wantedtobealoneandfollowedmein.
“Who cares what she thinks? I’m not. I came home happy. Since she can’t stand to see that, the
accusationsstarted.”
NowRitchie’seyesnarrowedashestudiedme.“Whydidyoucomehomesohappy?”
Mymouthsnappedshut,andIspunawayfromhim.Ibusiedmyselfbygatheringclean,dryclothesto
putonfrommydresser.“Noreason.Can’tIjustbehappy?”
“Yeah,youcan.Happinesslooksgoodonyou.”
The sad note of his tone had me turning around again. I clutched my pile of clothes to my chest. I
forgotmyclotheswerewet,andthereforegotmycleanclotheswet,asItiltedmyheadtotheleftandtook
inmyolderbrother.“Speakingof,areyouokay?Youdon’tlooksogood.”
“I’mfine.Justtired.”Hewavedmeoffwithaswishofhishand.
Tiredwasn’tthehalfofit.Hehaddeeppurpleringsaroundhiseyes,butweusuallydid,asourmom
spent half the night awake and yelling through her nightmares of the accident that stole our dad and her
abilitytowalkatthesametime.Butthepalenessofhisskinwasnew.Helookedillanditconcernedme.
“Whydon’tyougotakeanap?I’mherenow.I’lljustgetchangedandmakemomsomelunch.”
Ritchiewalkedtowardsme,wrappedhisarmaroundmyshoulders,andkissedthesideofmyhead.
“Thanks.IthinkI’lldothat.”
Thenheleft.
AfterIgotchanged,IdidwhatIsaidI’ddo.Ialsocalledourpediatricianandmadeanappointment
forhimforthenextday.Hedidn’tlookgood,andIknewhewouldn’tdoithimself.He’dhavedonethe
sameforme.
Andafterthat,Ilookedaftermom.
2.
“Hey,WitchyRitchie.”
Iloweredmyselfontothebrightgreengrassandranmyfingersthroughthelongblades.Themorning
dewclungtomyjeans,makingmybacksideinstantlywet,butIdidn’tcare.NothingelseexistedwhenI
cametovisitmybrother.
“It’sgettingalittlecoldoutheretoday.Imisssummeralready.”Ituggedmysweatertighteraroundmy
chestandcrossedmyarms,staringoffintothedistanttrees.“You’llneverguesswhoIsawtheotherday.”
Asusual,hedidn’tanswer.Ikepttalking,anyway.“IneverthoughtI’dseehimagain,youknow?What
isheevendoinghere?Iranintohimatthedamncoffeeshopofallplaces.Foramoment,Ithoughthe
kneweverything.Ithoughthe’dfigureditallout.Imean,youknewLaw.Hedidn’tmissathing.”
“Mostthings,”Iamended.
Ashiverranthroughme.Ibroughtmyeyesbacktothesolidmarblestoneintheground.
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”
Mychestachedandburnedwiththesilence.Ineededmybrothermorethanever.MorethanIneeded
him when I left home, or when my daughter was born. Because in this moment, I was faced with the
heartbreakingrealitythatIhurtLaw,andtheconfirmationthathestillfeltthatafteralltheseyears.
Ididn’tknowhe’dstillcare.
Hecouldhaveeasilyforgottenmeandmovedon.Itwouldn’tsurprisemeifhehadafamily.Awife
whodotedonhimandkidswholookeduptohim;withhiseyesandunrulyhair,who’drunuptohimand
screamDaddywhenhecamehomeafteralongdayofwork.
Thatcouldtotallybethecase.
NowthatIthoughtaboutit,ifthatweren’tthecase,I’dbeshocked.
Lawwasalwayshandsome.Andpopular.BeforeI’dleft,hewasasophomoreonthevarsityfootball
team, and he had been a starting player since freshman year. His coaches and teachers adored him, the
studentbodyworshipedhim,andthecheerleaderslovedhim.EspeciallyStephanie.
Ihadn’tthoughthernamesincebeforeEvelynwasbornandImadeapromisetomyselftoputthepast
behind me. During that time, I knew I needed to grow up. Motherhood was fast approaching, and if I
wantedanychanceatmakingagoodlifeformydaughterandme,IneededtoforgetallI’dlost.Afterall,
thechoicetohaveEvelynwasminealone,andIdidn’tdoanythinghalf-assed.TheonlythingI’deverleft
unfinishedwasmyrelationship,orlackthereof,withLaw.
Popular.
Yeah...thatwordfeltlikeacidinmybrain.
Hispopularitywaswhatstartedallofthis.Thefacthewastoopopulartobewithsomeonelikeme
startedtheheartbreak.Thedoubt.
“He’sgottobegonebynow,right?”
I stretched out my body in the damp grass, lying across the length of his grave, and rested my head
againstmyfoldedarms.Thegroundsmelledlikefall,freshearth,andgrassclippings,anditbroughtme
comfort.I’dspentcountlesshoursinthatexactspot,smellingthefreshairandthinkingaboutmybrother.
Tome,theunfilteredoutdoorsremindedmeofhome.
“Hedoesn’tlivehere.I’llprobablyneverseehimagain.”
Iliftedmyeyestotheheadstone.Themarble,tintedamossgreen,inscribedwithhisbirthanddeath
date. In the center, near the bottom, was a carving of a guitar wrapped in angel wings. Ritchie loved
music,andI’msure,whereverhewas,he’shangingoutwiththemusicallegendswho’vealreadypassed
on.
“Thanksforlistening,brother,”Iwhispered.
BeforeIleft,ItoldhimaboutEvelyn’sbirthdaythatafternoon,tryingtoendmyvisitonalighternote.
The longer I sat, the more my neck prickled. Like someone was there with me. With a new sense of
paranoia,Ilookedaround,butIwascompletelyalone.
Nothingnewthere.
Imean,it’sacemetery.Withallthespiritsroamingaround,Iprobablywasn’tasaloneasI’dliketo
think.
WiththatthoughtIstood,brushingoffmydampbackside,andtouchedahandtothecoldheadstone.I
bowedmyheadandasalways,foughtbackthetears.“Missyou,WitchyRitchie.”
AsIturnedtowalktomycar,Inearlyranintoamanstandingrightbehindme.Iclutchedatmychest,
trying to regain my breath. My eyelids drifted closed while I attempted to pull myself together. When I
openedthem,hewasstilltherewithhisgazefixedontheheadstonebehindme.
“Lawrence.Youscaredme.”
Seemingtoignoremycomment,hemadeoneofhisown.“Youstillcallhimthat?”
Everythinginsidemeached.Guilt,pain,fearatwhathemighthaveoverheardallgrippedmeinavice
sotightIthoughtI’dneverfullybreatheagain.Evenso,Icouldn’tstopmyselffromwonderingwhatwas
goingthroughhismindrightthen.
AndwhatthehellhewasstilldoinginArrowCreek.
Regardlessofmyquestions,Ihadabirthdaypartytothrowformybabygirl,andtodaywasnotthe
daytogetallriledup.
“Ofcourse,Ido.IcalledhimwitchyfromagethreewhenIcouldn’tsaymyr’sproperlyandnever
stopped.Youknewthat,”Imurmured,lookingateverythingbuthim.
Again, he acted like he didn’t hear me. “Rumor around town was he was brought here because a
distantrelativehadboughtaplotwhenhishealthstartedtodeteriorate.Iseeit’ssafetoassumethatwas
bullshit,too,andhewasbroughtherebecauseofyou.”
My throat instantly dried and I struggled to swallow. That was the rumor, orchestrated by me of
course.Icouldn’tstandtohavemybrotherburiedinaplaceIknewI’dnevervisitagain.
Hisquestiondidn’twarrantaresponse,ashisdeductionwasaccurate,soIwentwithaquestionof
myown.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
My tone was neutral, even though every other part of me was trembling, but by the look in his
narrowedeyes,onewouldhavethoughtIjusttoldhimtoprepareforbattle.
Lawworkedoverananswer.Whetherhewastryingtoconcoctalieornot,Iwasn’tsure.Ifhewas
anythingliketheLawIusedtoknow,he’dgiveittomestraight.
“Ireallywanttotellyoutofuckoff,consideringit’snoneofyourbusiness.”
Straightitwas.
Thosewordspiercedmyheart.
Hewenton.“I’vebeencomingheresinceaboutsixmonthsafterhedied.”
“Youhave?”Ichokedonthewords,disbeliefandshockliketwohandssqueezedaroundmythroat.I
couldn’tbreathe.Icouldn’t...howwasthatpossible?
“’Boutonceamonthorso.Sixweeksmaybe,ifIhadshitgoingon.”Heshruggedlikeitwasnobig
deal.
Likehedidn’tjusttearopenoldwounds,makingthemfreshandbleedingandpainful.
Iwasshitatmath,butthatmeantoverthepastfourteenyears,he’dbeenthereoverahundredtimes.
Howcouldhehavebeenthatclose,thatoften,andnotonceinthattimedidweevercrosspaths?
Withoutthinking,Iblurted,“Didyoueverevenlookforme?”
Historsoswungtowardsme,hishandsballedintofistsathisside,andhisfacepaledrightbeforeit
turnedabrightred.Thesquintinhiseyesmadethelinesatthesidestandoutwhiteandprominent.
Whenheopenedhismouth,heleftmeeviscerated.
“Let’sdissectwhatitisexactlythatyou’reaskingme,andmaybeyoucanfigureouttheanswertothat
questionyourself.”
“No,it’sokay.Ishouldn’thavesaidanything.Ineedtogo.”Imovedtosteparoundhim,towardsthe
parkinglot,buthematchedmestepforstep.
He wouldn’t let me get by with his big body, but his words immediately stopped me in my tracks.
“DidIeverlookforyou?Ilookedforyoutirelessly.Thenightyouleft,Istayedoutuntilthecopsfound
melookingforyou,becausemyparentscouldn’tfindmeandtheyhadtocallforhelp.Nobodysawyou
go.Nobodyheardathing.AsfarastheresidentsofLogansvillewereconcerned,youfuckingvanished
intothinair.Ispenthourssearchingabandonedlotsanddrainageditches,scaredoutofmydamnmindthat
Iwasgoingtofindyoubeaten,raped,orworse,murdered.Ilookedforyouformonths,youselfishbitch.
But you couldn’t have asked that question alone, you had to throw the word even in there, somehow
insultingmefurtherandimplyingthatI’djustforgottenaboutyouthesecondyoudisappearedasifyou’d
meantnothingtome.”
Myheartburned,notasifhe’sstabbedit,butasifhe’dsetitonfire.Iknewmydecisionwouldaffect
him,buttohearthestraightangerandpaininhisvoiceafterallthistimewasmorethanIexpected.
“Afewmonthsafteryou’dbeengone,myfathercametomeandsaidhereceivedaphonecall.You’d
gonetolivewithagreatauntinMaine,andyouweretohavenocontactwithyourfriendsbackhome.
NowIcanseethat’sbullshittoo.”Hesettledhishandsonhishipsandrolledhisneckbeforehethrew
themoutintheairandroared,“DoesthislooklikefuckingMainetoyou?”
Seeingit,feelingit,knowinghemadenomoveoutofangertohurtme,Istillnearlyjumpedoutofmy
skin.“No.IneverwenttoMaine,”Iraspedthroughadrythroat.
Law’seyesturneddistrustful.Ididn’tblamehim.ButoutofallthepainI’dcaused,thatliewasnot
mine. I never pretended I’d moved to Maine, never asked anyone to spread that rumor. It appeared his
fatherhadhisownagendaanddidwhateverhecouldtomakesureLawmovedonfromme.
Icouldn’tblamehim,either.Ifitputadamperonthepainhissonfelteveryday,Ishouldbesomewhat
grateful.
Shouldbe,butwasn’t.
“You’vebeenheretheentiretime,haven’tyou?”hestatedflatly.Eventhequestiondidn’tliltatthe
end,hisvoicedeadandresigned.
Ididn’twanttoanswer,butIdidn’twanttolietohimanymore.“Yes.”
Thesilencespreadbetweenus.Abreezeblewbrisklyagainstmycheek,butIhardlyregisteredthe
chill.OureyeswerelockedononeanotherinastareIthoughtwouldgoonforever.
UntilIbrokeit.
“Iknowthismeansnothingtoyounow,butifIcouldsomehowshowyouhowsorryIam,Iwould.I
did the best I could with what I had, and this is how my life turned out. I think it’s great you’ve been
visitingRitchieallthistime.Iknowit’dhavemeantalottohim,too.Look,”Iranmyfingersthroughmy
hair, frustrated because he seemed to be ignoring me again. “You need time and I do too. I should get
going. But if you come back in a few weeks and would like to get coffee and catch up, I’d be open to
that.”
“Whereareyouoffto?”
Hisselectivehearingwasreallystartingtomesswithmydon’tgetriledupattitude.Inthespiritof
beingcivil,Iansweredhimvaguely.“Ihaveplans.”
“It’sherbirthday,”hestated,asifheknewherandhadn’tonlyheardaboutherthreedaysago.
Ibreathedthroughmynose.“Yes.”
Alookofcontemplationcrossedhisface.“Youknowit’s–ˮ
“Iknow.”Icuthimoffandsmiledsadly.“Ineverforgot.I’mremindedeveryyear.”
LawonlynoddedbeforeturningbacktoRitchie’sgrave.
Thatseemedlikeanobviouscuetogo,soIstartedfortheparkinglot.Thistime,hedidn’tstopme.
“Happybirthday,Law,”Isaid,hurtingthatforthefirsttimesincehissixteenthbirthday,Ispokethose
wordswithinhishearingrange.
“Thanks,”hemutteredsomberly,andIwonderedifhewasfeelingthesame.
As I drove away, I remembered I didn’t give him a way to contact me. That knowledge hurt. More
thanitshouldafterallthistime.Evenmoreevidencethatitwasbesthedidn’tcomelookingforme.We
didn’tneedtoreconnect.Whatwouldthatsolve?He’sprobablychangedalotovertheyears,andIhada
daughter...
Itwassafertoleavethepastbehindusandcontinuewithourseparatefutures.
“Happy birthday to you...” Kiersten and I sang to Evelyn. Our trio celebrated in our traditional
fashion,thethreeofusinmymodestranch-stylehome,thefavoritemealofthebirthdaygirlhavingbeen
devoured,andafewcandlesstuckintoacheesecakesampler.
Thisyear,Evelynactedmoreembarrassedthanusualandcoveredherfacewhilegroaning,“Mom!”
KierstenandIharmonizedthelastfewnotes,thenkissedthebirthdaygirloneachcheek.
“Blowoutthecandles,baby.”
Sherolledhereyes,butthesmileonherfacecouldn’thideherhappiness.Asshe’ddoneeveryyear
sincesheturnedfour,Evelynclosedhereyestomakeawishandblewoutherfourteencandles.
EachyearI’vewonderedwhatshewishedfor,andeachyearshe’dlookatmewithaslightsmileand
refusetoshare.Somekidspretend.Thewish-makingfallsintothecategoryoftheEasterBunnyandSanta
Claus, and they blow out the candles to appease their parents when all they want to do is dig into the
sweetyummygoodnessinfrontofthem.
NotmyEvelyn.Shemightnotbelieveinthosemade-upcharactersanymore,butshestillbelievedin
thepowerofwishesandprayers.
Sheopenedhereyesandexclaimed,“Let’seatcake!”
ButmyownsmileslippedatwhatIsaw.
Those eyes. That smile. Memories came flooding through the gates I’d locked and closed over a
decadeago.Law’ssuddenreturnwasmessingwithmyhead.
“Youokay?”KierstenleantinandaskedquietlywhileEvelyngrabbedtheplatesandscoopedouther
sliceoftriplechocolatecheesecake.
“Hmm?Oh.I’mfine,”Ichuckled.“Memories,youknow?Ijustcan’tbelievehowoldshe’sgetting.”
Shecockedherheadbutdidn’tsayathing.Herperceptivenesscouldbeuseful,butrightnow,Iwas
prayingshedidn’tquestionmyoddbehavior.
After dishing our plates, we moved to the sofa and Evelyn clicked on the TV. “What should we
watch?”
Idugintomyownsliceofturtlecheesecake.“Youpick,birthdaygirl.”
Evelynleanedforwardtosetdownherplateandsearch.Bydoingso,IcouldclearlyseeKierstenon
theothersideofherstudyingme.
What?Imouthed,furrowingmybrow.
What’supwithyou?Shemouthedback,jabbingherforkinmydirection.IcutmyeyestoEvelynto
findherstillflippingthroughmovies.
Nothing. As I shoveled another forkful of cake into my mouth, I turned back to the TV. I smiled.
Evelyn was at that tricky age between kid and adult. Her tastes had changed drastically over the past
couplemonths,andshewastryingsohardtofitinwithhermomandaunt.Shewascurrentlybrowsing
moviesalittlebit(alot)abovehercomprehensionandmaturity.
Iopenedmymouthtorespond,butwascutoffwhensomethinghardpeltedthesideofmytemple.My
backstraightened,andIsnappedmygazebacktoKiersten.Iskimmedthecouchcushionwithmyhand,all
whileglaring,andcameupwiththeweapon.Achocolatechip.
Areyoukiddingme?
Wearetalkinglater.
No,wearenot,Imouthedback.
Kierstenlookedaboutreadytorespond,butaknockonthedoorhadallourheadsswivelingthatway.
“Whocouldthatbe?”Evelynasked,andmyheartfell.Sheknewheronlyfamilywassittinginthat
room with her. In fourteen years, we hadn’t had any visitors and door-to-door sales were rare around
here. It hurt, as a parent, that my baby couldn’t expect anyone else to shower her in affection on her
specialday.
“Findashow,baby.I’llgetit.”
IshotonelastglareatKiersten,butherattentionwasfocusedoutthewindowtothefrontyard.
Ireachedthedoorandmyheartleaptintomythroat.I’dlivedalongtimewaiting,hoping,andbeing
disappointedthatnobodycamelookingforme.PretendingIwasfineandthatI’dputthatlifebehindme.
Thiswasjustanotherreminderofallthosestupiddaydreamsthatnevercametrue.ButasIclaspedthe
doorhandle,Istupidlycouldn’thelpmyselffromhoping.
Andbeingdisappointed.
Therewasnobodythere,andtheairrushedfrommylungs.Besidethedoorwasabouquetofhelium
balloons tied to a weight wrapped in metallic purple paper. Next to the weight was a rectangle box
wrappedtomatch—agift.Ontoplaidacard.
Icheckedbehindmetomakesurethegirlshadn’tfollowedmetothedoorthenbentdowntoretrieve
thecard.Unaddressedandunsealed.Iscannedthestreetbeforeme,buttherewasnobodythere.Noone
walkingdownthesidewalk,nocarsparkedalongthesideoftheroad.
The hairs still stood up on my neck. Only one person could have brought this, and that raised the
questionofhowdidheknowwhereIlived?
Thiswasbecomingtoomuch.
WhatwasIsupposedtodohere?Thecuriouspartofmewantedtoripitallopenandfindoutwhat’s
inside. But the cautious mother in me said no way in hell was a stranger going to give my daughter a
birthdaygiftwithoutmeknowingwhatitwasfirst.Becauselet’sbehonest;Lawwasastranger.Imight
haveknownhimallthoseyearsago,buthe’sthesamepersonheusedtobe.
Yet,anotherpartofmewasscreaming,“ThisisLaw!”
Law.Theboywhoheldmyhandatmydad’sfuneralandthenbeggedhisparentstoletmesleepover
soIdidn’thavetofeelalone.
TheboywholetmecryonhisshoulderwhenIgotsadanddidn’tteasemeforbeingababy,evenifI
wasbeingone.
Theboywhostolemyfirstkisswithoutmypermission,becauseheknew,evenifIwasstubbornand
wouldn’tadmitit,thatIwantedhimto.
Theboywhoproudlymademeanecklaceformyfifteenthbirthday,becauseheknewI’dappreciate
somethinghemademuchmorethansomethinghe’dboughtwithhisparent’smoney.
Theboywho’dtakenondrivingmybrothertochemoassoonashe’dgothislicense,becauseIhadto
workafterschooltomakemoneyformyfamily.
Andtheboywho’dlookedformeafterI’ddisappeared.Who,tothisday,couldn’thidethepainand
rageofhavingtodosoandcomingupemptyhanded.Who,Iwasfairlycertain,hatedeveryounceofme
andyet,stilldroppedagiftformybabyonmydoorstep.
Lawwasalotofthings,mostofthemIdidn’tknowanymore.Toomuchtimehadpassed.Buthe’snot
cruel or malicious. He’d never leave something at my house that would endanger my daughter. To the
bottomofmysoul,Ibelievedthat.
With that thought, I scanned the inside of the card, confirming my suspicions when I found his
signature, ignored the way my heart picked up at his familiar handwriting, and gathered the rest of the
items from the porch and carried them inside. The door shut with a soft thud behind me. Two sets of
curious, yet guilty, eyes followed me from the foyer down the hall to the living room while helium
balloonsbouncedoffmyhead.
“Hey, snoops.” I leveled them both with a glare of motherly disapproval. “You’ve got another gift,
Ev.”
“Who’sitfrom?”Suspicionlacedhertone,butagleamofexcitementlithereyes.
IbothhatedandlovedLawforputtingitthere.
No, not love. That word was too heavy for anything I could allow myself to feel for that man.
AppreciatewasabetterdescriptionforwhatIfelt.
I let myself smile, even though I wanted to frown, and told her, “An old friend.” Kiersten’s glare
burnedintothebackofmyhead.
Evelyncockedherheadandreachedoutherhands.“Ithoughtyoudidn’thaveanyfriends.”
I handed her the gift box and card and deposited the balloons beside the couch. “I have your Aunt
Kiersten.She’smyfriend.”
“Imeantotherfriends.”
Shewasnotwrong,andIwantedtocurseLawforputtingmeinthatposition.“It’sbeenalongtime
sinceI’veseenthisfriend.Hecamethroughtown,andweranintoeachother.”
“So why would he get me a gift?” She started to read the card, so I used that time to think of a
responsethatmadesense.Unfortunately,therewerenone.AndIhatedlyingtomygirl.
“Honestly,Idon’tknow.Weusedtobereallyclosefriends.”
“Icanseethat,”Evelynsaid,hervoicesoundingfunny.
“Whatdidyousay?”
Evelynliftedherheadfromthecardandreachedherhandouttome.There,betweenherindexand
thumb,wasa4x6photograph,andmyheartplummeted.Itmusthavestucktotheinsideofthecard,andI
didn’tseeitwhenIopeneditoutside.
Asiftimehadslowed,Ileanedforwardandtookthepicturefrommydaughter.Iclosedmyeyes.I
triedtosteelmyself,butIknewdeepdownthatseeingapicturefromthepastwasgoingtoripopenold
woundsandmakethemfresh.Therewasn’tawaytohideit,though.Thetwoclosestpeopletomewere
watchingmyeverymove.ItkilledthattheonelieIhadevertoldeitherofthemwasnottellingthemabout
mypast,anditwasnowstaringmeinthefaceandIhadtosmilethroughit.Ihadtoreactfondly,because
ifIdidn’t,thewallsI’dspentfourteenyearsbuildingaroundmewouldcomecrashingdown,andI’dbe
ruined.
So,Iopenedmyeyes.
AndIsmiled,eventhoughitfeltwatery.
Asobcrawledoutofmythroat,andIquicklyforceditintoalaugh.Ididn’tevenhavetolookatthe
picturecloselytorememberthatday.Icouldeasilyrecallwherewewere,theclotheswewore,andwho
was around us. Law and I had our arms wrapped loosely around each other in the backyard of his
childhoodhome.Myheadwasthrownback,laughinghysterically,becausehisfingertipswereticklingmy
ribs.WhileIlaughed,helookedoveratmewithajovialgrin,hisgray/greeneyestwinkling.
I had picked out that yellow sundress with the white cardigan sweater specifically for his sixteenth
birthday.Heworeanicepairofgraydresspantswithablackbuttondownshirttuckedinandopenatthe
collar.Thetwoofuslookedgoodtogether.Reallygood.BackthenIwouldhavethoughthewastoogood
for me. Now that I can see it through years of maturity, I’d say we looked happy. That’s what really
mattered.
Thesoundofpapertearingpulledmebacktothepresent.Idroppedthephotographtothecoffeetable
andlookedatEvelynjustintimetoseeherpullingasmallbookoutofawhiterectangularbox.
“Whatisitbaby?”Irubbedatthebaseofmynecknearmycollarbone—anervoushabit.
Sheopenedtothefirstpage,scannedit,thenflippedthroughtheotherpagesquickly.“It’sajournal.
Cool!”sheshoutedandclutchedittoherchest.
“That’sathoughtfulgift.”Ismiledsoftly.
“Myoldnotebookisalmostfilledanyway.Youguysgoaheadwiththemovie.I’mgoingtogowrite!”
Andshedarteddownthehall.
The moment her bedroom door clicked shut, Kiersten rounded the coffee table and blocked me in.
“You’re going to grab a glass of wine, sit your ass down, and tell me what the hell is going on,” she
hissed,clearlyannoyedbuttryingtokeephervoicedown.
“Makeitthebourbonandyou’reon.”
Herfacecontortedintoagrimace.“Seriously?”
I jammed the palms of my hands into my eye sockets. “I’m not going to get plastered. I just need
somethingalittlestronger,andIdon’twanttodirtyaglass.”
Her mumbling could be heard all the way to the kitchen. If she thought she was annoyed, she had
anotherthingcoming.
Thethunkofthebottleagainstthetablepromptedmetoraisemyhead.
“Now talk. And don’t leave out anything, including that hot hunk of a man who left that gift for
Evelyn.”
Iwasjustswallowingaheftypullofbourbonathercommentandinstead,chokedatherwords.Tears
prickedmyeyes.Thewarmliquidburnedandsentmeintoacoughingfit.“What?”Imanagedtogasp.
“Don’tplaystupid.YouknowwhoI’mtalkingabout!”
“Notthat.Imean,yousawhim?”
Kierstensmirked.“Isawthebackofhim.ItwassofineIcanonlyimaginewhatthefrontlookslike.
WhatIdon’tunderstandiswhyaren’tyouseeingthisguy?Veryfewmencanfilloutapairofjeanslike
that....Wait.Areyoualreadydatinghim?Isthatwhyyou’vebeenactingsoweird?”
Ipausedinwipingtheremainingtearsfrommyeyes.“No.Ifyou’djustshutyourpie-hole,Icouldtell
youthestory.”
After a huff, an eye roll, and her stomping to find a seat on the couch, she snagged the bottle of
bourbonfromthecoffeetable,tookalongpull,wavedsaidbottleintheair,andreplied,“Byallmeans.”
IfIwasn’talreadyfreakingoutaboutthethingsIneededtoshare,Iwouldhavelaughedatherirritated
response.Instead,Igavehersomeside-eyeandproceededtosharewithher.
“Youknowabout,”Ipausedandglanceddownthehall.Iloweredmyvoice.“YouknowIgotpregnant
withEvelynatsixteenandleftmyhometown.There’salittlemoretoitthanthat.”
“Didyougetknockedupbythemayororsomething?”shehissed,guessingincorrectly.
Close.But...
“No.Jesus,shutupandletmetalk.”
Kierstenheldupherhands.“Sorry.Okay,I’mdone.”Shesilencedherselfbystealingadrinkfromthe
bottle.Whenshelowereditfromherlips,Isnatcheditbackandtookmyowntug.
“I’mcuttingtothechase,sinceI’mpredictingyoucan’thandlesittinghereforthelonghaul.”Herlook
saidgetonwithit.So,Idid.“Ihaven’tseenthatmaninnearlyadecadeandahalf.Priortothat,hewas
theloveofmylife.ButwhenitcamedowntochoosingbetweenthelifeIwaslivingandmyunbornbaby,
IchoseEvelyn.”
“Why did you have to leave? Teens get pregnant all the time. That doesn’t mean they have to leave
town.”
“I couldn’t have stayed with her. My dad died a few years back, my mother was barely alive,
practicallychoosingtostraddlethelinebetweenlifeanddeath.Shelostherlegsintheaccidentthattook
myfather,butitwaslosinghimthattookherwilltolive.RitchiewaslosinghisbattlewithLeukemia.I
wasworkingfulltimeafterschoolandonweekends,whichIhadtodoonceIleftanyway,butoncemom
died,thedisabilitypaymentswouldbegone.Ourhousewasinpoorshape.Iwouldn’thavebeenableto
fixit,letalonesellitformuch,andthenwherewouldIhavegone?IfIhadwantedtostayinLogansville,
Iwouldhavehadtoterminatethepregnancy.”
“If all that were true, how did you afford to move and make it on your own as an underage, single
mother-to-be?I’mnotfollowing.”
Isuddenlyfeltcoldallover.Ituckedmyhandsbeneathmyarmsforwarmthandpulledmylegsup
beneathme.Lookingoutthewindow,Itriedtograbontoanounceofheatbeforeitallfled.“Inexchange
formysilence,IwasofferedthemoneytoraiseEvelynifIlefttown.”
Kierstengasped.“Youwereblackmailed?Bythefather?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. Blackmail or a new beginning? I couldn’t turn it down in my
predicament,anditendedupbeingthebestthingthatcouldhavehappenedtome.”
ShetookmyhandfromwhereI’dtuckeditbeneathmyarmandpulleditbetweenbothofhers.Her
facefilledwithconcern.“Sweetie,Iknowyouloveyourdaughtermorethananything,butblackmailis
criminal.Howhaveyoubeenholdingontothatthisentiretimeandneversaidathing?”
“Whatwouldithavechanged?”Myvoicecracked.
“Let’sgetbacktohowyouhaven’tseentheloveofyourlifeinfourteenyears,andI’llanswerthat
question.”
“No.”Ituggedmyhandfromhers.“See,that’sexactlywhyIhaven’ttoldyouafterallthistime.Ican’t
dwellonwhatcouldhavebeenifIhadn’tleft.Ican’tsitandrunthroughthescenariosoftellinghimIwas
pregnantatsixteenandimaginingwhathewouldhavedone.Ican’tpretendorhopewe’dhavesomehow
becomeahappyfamilybecausethat’snotwhathappened.That’snotwhatIchose,andafterallthistime,
thatcouldabsolutelyneverbehowthingswillturnout.”
Kierstenthrustthebottleofbourbonintomyhands.“Here.”
“Thanks,”IwhisperedasIuncappedit.
“Thenwhyishehere?”
Iswirledtheliquidovermytastebudsandcontemplatedherquestion.“Heisn’thereforme,ifthat’s
whatyou’regettingat.”
“Isn’the?Girl,Ihaveex-lovers.Alotofex-lovers.Hell,Ievenhaveafewex-I-thought-you-were-
the-one-lovers.Nowayinhellwouldanyofthosedudescomebackafteradecadeandbringmydaughter
abirthdaygift.”
“You’rebeingridiculous.WhenIsayLawandI—ˮ
“Law?” She shrieked, scaring the shit out of me. “Oh, Lordy, even his name is sexy. All
unconventionalandhot.Someonecall9-1-1becauseI’mgoingtobreakLaw’s—ˮ
“Kiersten!”
Herbodyvisiblyjolted.“I’msorry,Icouldn’thelpthatfantasytrain.Itshotstraightoutofthestation
intovaginatown.”
Getting the conversation back on track, I kept talking. “He and I were the best sort of childhood
friendsfallinginlove.Ithappenedsoslowlyovertheyears,neitheroneofusreallycaughtontoituntil...
Well,untilitwascrashingandburningintoafierypitoflosthopesanddreams.Ugh.”
IjumpedbecauseKierstensuddenlytookthebottleofbourbonfromme.“Isensewe’regettingtothe
reallydepressingpart,soI’mjustgoingtotakethis.Idon’tthinkEvelynneedstoseehermomdrunkon
herbirthday.”
“Ihateyou,”Igroused.
“Youloveme.So,goon,keeptalking.”
“Hewasmyeverything,frommybestfriendtomyfirstlove.Hestolemyfirstkiss,andIfreelygave
upmoreafterthat.Wewereeachother’sdatesforschooldances.Ialwayshadtheimpressionwewere
together, even when we were too young to put a label on it. As we got older, I thought the label just
adhereditselftooursituation,butIguessIwaswrong.”
“Whathappened?”sheasked,sympathetically.
“Whathappened?”Ilaughedthroughthepainthatquestionevoked.“ThelastthingIeverexpected.He
wantedtoseesomebodyelse.HethoughtI’dbeokaywithwaitingforhimtotestthewaterstomakesure
Iwaswhathewanted.”
NearlyFifteenYearsAgo...
“You’reeatinglunchtoday?”
Iglancedoveratmybestfriend,Rachael,beforelookingdowntomytray.Itwasbreadedporksteak
andmashedpotatoesday.TheonlydayIforkedoverthemoneyforschoollunch.Ievenpaidalittlemore
forsomeextrapotatoes.We’dbeenlivingonsimplefoodathomesincemydaddied.Nothingthateven
came close to how good this tasted. I’d been looking forward to this day since they released the lunch
calendarforthismonth.
Icockedmyheadather.“Didwejustmeet?YouknowIalwayseatonbreadedporksteakday.”
Sheshruggedandlookedaway,butnotbeforeIsawthepinkspreadacrosshercheeks.
“Whatisit?Whyareyouactingweird?”Iaskedaroundamouthfuloffood.Ilikedtotakethemeat
anduseittoscoopupthepotatoes.ItwasheavenlycomparedtoramennoodlesandPB&J.
Shedartedhergazearoundtheroombeforeseemingtoshrinkinherseat.Hervoiceloweredinthe
noisy cafeteria so much I had to lean closer to hear her. “It’s just that, you’ve been working more and
eatinghereless.Ihaven’tseenyouinawhile.I’malittlesurprisedyouactuallyboughtlunchtoday.”
Mystomachdroppedatthesametimemybackstraightened.UnlikeRachael,Ididn’tlowermyvoice
—Iraisedit.“Yeah,I’mpoor.Thatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tindulgeeveryonceinawhile.”Guiltswamped
me,bothforspendingmoneyIshouldn’thaveandforgettingupsetwithmyfriend.Shedidn’tsayanything
thatwasuntrue.Ipickedupmytrayfromthetableandstood.
“Cami,I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantobeabitch.”Hervoiceshookalittle.
Ididn’treply.IwenttoroundthecornerofthetableandwalkedrightintoLaw.HeletoutanOof!and
grabbedmytraybeforeitdumpedalloverhischest.
“Hey,you,”Igreetedfondly,happytoseetheonepersonwhounderstoodwhatIwasgoingthrough
anddidn’tjudgemeforit.“Nolunchtoday?”
“Um,hey.”Hisansweringresponsecameoutseriousandinstantlysetmeonedge.Hetuggedthetray
frommyhandsandplaceditonanemptyspaceatthetablebesideus.“Canwetalk?”
Istoodawkwardly,wishinghe’dtakemyhandorsomething.Thisfeltunnaturaltous,andIdidn’tlike
it.“Um,sure.Wheredoyouwanttogo?”
“Howaboutsomewherequiet.”Henoddedhisheadtowardsthecafeteriaexit,andwithoutwaiting
forme,startedwalkinginthatdirection.
WhatcouldIdobuttrailbehind?Myfeetwantedtobreakoutintoarun,soIforcedmyselftoslow
down.ItwashardwhenIhadabadfeelingabouttheconversationtocome.
Wewalkedsilentlyoutofthecafeteriaanddownthehall,meafewstepsbehindhimtheentireway.
Notoncedidheglancebackortakemyhandorstartaconversation.We’dbeenalonethemomentweleft
thecafeteria,butitseemedLawwasstuckinsidehisownhead.
Suddenly, Law stopped and backed up a few steps, pausing outside the shop classroom. He peered
throughtheglasspane.Thenheturnedandscannedthehallsaroundus.Hiseyesbrieflycaughtmine,soI
gavehimaquickshrug,buthelookedawayquickly.Myheartsank.
Seemingly satisfied we were alone, he wrenched open the door and held it so I could follow him
inside.Theclickofthedoorshuttingseemedtoamplifyintheemptyspace.
“So...what’sup?Notgonnalie,you’remakingmeabitnervous,soifyoucouldjustspititoutandget
onwithit,that’dbegreat.”Ismiledmyquirkysmile.Lawjustlookedatme,andifIwasn’tmistaken,his
frowndeepened.
Themusclesgaveoutandmysmilefell.
He didn’t seem ready to talk, and I wanted to give him time if he needed it so I looked around the
space.Ilovedthesmellofthisroom.Thescentofsawdustandwoodstainhungintheair,evenifthe
class wasn’t actively working on any projects at the time. I felt real and gritty in here, reinforced as a
youngwomanwhocoulddoanythingthatmymalepeerscould.I’dtakenshoplastsemester,andIstill
glowedwhenIreplayedmyteacher’spraisingcommentsinmyhead.He’dencouragedmetosignupfor
theoff-siteclassasanelectiveformysenioryear.Thestudentsinthatclassgottobuildanentirehouse
duringthesemester,andhe’dtoldmethereareveryfewfemalesthatsignup.Itmeantalottomethathe
tookthetimetoreachoutandencouragemetoapply.Itmightbeayearandahalfawayyet,butIalready
knewitwassomethingI’dbedoing.
FeelinglikeI’dgivenhimampletime,Iquestionedagain.“Law?”
“Youandme,we’reaforeverkindofthing.Youknowthat,right?Youthinkthat,too?”
Everything inside of me froze at the sound of his voice. It was...calm but anxious, with a hint of
imploring.AndIdidn’tunderstandwherehewasgoingwiththis.
I leaned my side against the high, metal shop table and looked him in the eyes. “Of course, I do.
You’vebeenmybestfriendforaslongasIcanremember.Justspititout,Law.Areyoumoving?Didyour
dadgetanewjob?”
“No.”Helookedtohisshoesandmyeyesdroppedtherealso.Togetherwewatchedasheshifteda
pileofsawdustwithhistoe.
“Then what is it?” I couldn’t keep the anxious edge out of my own voice. He sounded like he was
leavingme.Idon’tknowwhatI’ddoifthathappened.
Lawtookadeepbreath.Ididn’tknowthatbecauseIheardit.IknewbecauseIvisiblysawhisentire
torso lift and settle again. It was silent, but huge. Like he just sucked in a lungful of strength. Then he
leveledhisgazewithmine.
“I’mgoingtodateSteph.NotbecauseIdon’tloveyou,becauseyouknowIdo.But,becausethisis
theonetimeinmylifewhereIcan.Afterthis,we’reofftocollegeandjobsandrealliferesponsibilities,
andIknowIwanttoexperienceallthatwithyou.”
Iheardwhathesaid,butmymindwasn’tcomprehendingit.Arushofbloodpulsatedinmyears.“But,
youhateSteph.”
Yep.That’swhatIsaid.Allthat,andtheonlythingIcouldfocusonwasthathehatedSteph.
Hescrubbedthebackofhisneckwithhishand.“Idon’thateSteph.Ididn’tlikeherrelentlesspursuit
ofme,butIdon’thateher.She’sanicegirl.”
“So,herpursuitpaidoff?Isthatwhatthisis?”
“No,it’snotthat.”
Istoodupstraight.“Well,whatisitthen?I’mstillwaitingforyoutosaysomethingthatmakessense.”
“Weshouldusethistimeforexperiences,Cami.Iwantourfuturetohavenoregrets.”
My eyes burned hot with tears, but I blinked them back. Law had seen me cry more times over the
yearsthanmyownfamily,especiallysincethedeathofmydad.ButIwasn’tgoingtogivehimthis.
Hehurtme,andheknewhowtofixit.ButIrefusedtohavemytearsfeedhisguilt.Ifhewantedto
makethingsright,hehadtodoitfortherightreasons.Notbecausehefeltsorryforme.
“Ithoughtyouweredatingme.Howcanyoutossmeasideforsomeonelikeher?Sheisn’tevennice.”
“Cami.”Hisvoicesoundedpained.“I’dnever,ever,tossyouaside.Idon’tknowhowelsetoexplain
ittoyou.Iknowitsoundsstupid,butit’swhatIneed.Iwanttobeonehundredpercentsureaboutyouand
me.ThisistheonlywayIcouldseetomakethathappen.”
Mybreathhitched.“IsitbecauseIwon’thavesexwithyou?BecauseIwill,someday.Ijustdidn’t
thinkwewereready.”
“Thishasnothingtodowithsex.”
ThatIbelieved.Thewayhiseyesheldminetookmybreathaway.So,ifitwasn’tthesex,itmusthave
beenastatusthing.I’mthepoorgirlwiththesadlife.Stephistherichgirl,cheerleadingcaptain,who’s
beeninbedwithhalfthefootballteam.She’saseniorandstupidlygorgeous.IfLawdatedher,he’dbe
themostpopularsophomoreatLogansvilleHigh.Thepieceswerestartingtomakesense.
AndIwentfromsadtoangryinananosecond.“IfyouthinkI’mjustgoingtostickaroundandwaitfor
youwhileyousampletheothergirlsaroundhere,you’vegotanotherthingcoming.I’mnotgoingtohang
aroundbeingpoor,sadCamiwhileyouprancearoundwithyournewarmcandy.”
“Ifthat’swhatyouwant,thenit’syourdecisiontomake.Justknowwhileyou’rehomepouting,I’llbe
outwiththecheerleadingcaptain.Maybe,ifI’mreallylucky,I’llgettokissher.”
His words stuck to me like a thousand burrs I’d never be able to get off, and all that mattered was
tryingtomakehimhurt.Itwasaweakattempt.I’dbeenwoundedthroughandthroughbythelastpersonI
everthoughtwouldintentionallyhurtme.
“Fine!AtleastIhaveyourfirstkiss!”
“Yeah? Well, she’s going to get my last.” That was his parting shot. Law left me alone in the shop
room,slammingthedoorbehindhim,asItriedtogatherupthepiecestomyshreddedheart.
3.
“Wow,whatanidiot!I’vechangedmymind.Idon’tcareifhe’sbackforyouornot,hedoesn’tdeserve
you.”
I’dfinishedtellingKierstenthestoryofhowLawwantedtoseeothergirls,andshewaspissed.Ifit
hadn’thurtsobadtosharethatparticularmemory,Imighthavelaughedathowupsetshewasforteenaged
me.
Somehowwhilerecallingthestory,Iendeduplyingonmybackonthecouch.Myfingerswerelaced
against my abdomen and my feet where perched on the arm rest. Kiersten paced the floor next to the
couch,andherfacewasacomicalpictureaboveme.TheentiresituationfeltlikeI’djustspentanhourat
theshrink’soffice.Except,Iwasinmyownlivingroom.
“Iagreedwithyou,backthen.Ithoughthewasbeinganidiot,too.NowthatI’molder,Icansortof
seewherehewascomingfrom.”
Sheabruptlystoppedmoving.“What?Howcanyouevensaythat?Hecrushedyou!”
Irolledmyeyes.“Thanksforthereminder.”
“Well,yousoundlikeanidiot.Didyouforgetallthepainthiscaused?Nottomentionhimhurtingyou
wasthecatalystforall...this.”Shewavedherhand,gesturingmylivingroom.
“Iwasthecatalystforallthis.”Icorrected.“Anyway,Isaythatpartlybecause,threeweeksafterthat
happened,hehadendedthingswithStephandcamecrawlingbacktometotellmehowwrongandsorry
hewas.AndpartlybecauseIdogetitnow.Ihaveateenageddaughter.Ifshestarteddatingoneguynow
andwantedtobewithhimforever,I’dtrytowarnherofthesamethings,too.Highschoolshouldbethe
timeformeetingdifferentpeopleandmakingfriends.Iknowmylifeisn’ttypicalformost,butthingsgo
fast once college hits. More often than not, people regret long-term dating in high school. High school
sweetheartsaremoreofamyththanareality.Lawwasn’tfaroffinwhathewastryingtotellme.His
inexperienceanddelivery,however,isadifferentstory.”
The conversation was tiring, and the sun was beginning to sink. I hoisted myself off the couch,
grabbedthebourbon,andwanderedintothekitchen.Kierstenfollowed.
“Wait,sohecamebackandsaidsorry?Sowhydidn’tyoutakehimback?”
Ishovedthebottleinthecabinetabovethefridgeandloweredmyselffrommytippytoesbacktoflat
feet.“Because,”Ibegan,turningtolookherintheeye.“IhadalreadyfoundoutIwaspregnant.”
“Oh.”
“Yep.”
“Howisthatpossible?”
“Iguessmytimingwasimpeccable.”Iansweredsarcastically.“HadsexwhenIdidn’tknowIwas
ovulating and bam! Two weeks later, I missed my period. Gave it another week, because I was sure it
wasstress-related.Obviously,Iwaswrong.”
Westoodsilentlyinmysmallkitchen.I’msureKierstenhadawholenewboxofquestionsshewanted
toask.Me?Ihadathousandthoughtsswirlingofwhathappenedbackthen.HowweakIwas.HowIjust
wantedtofeellovedafterLawmademefeelunworthy.HowIletsomeoneusesweetwordsandempty
promisestocoaxmetoopenmylegs.
Kierstenwasrighttheotherdayatthecoffeeshop.Ihadn’thadsexsinceEvelynwasconceived.A
bigpartofthatwasbecauseIalwayswantedmyfirsttobeLaw.Stupidly,Iruinedthat.
AnevenbiggerpartwasIlosttheabilitytotrustmyselftomakethatdecision.Aone-nightstandwas
completelyoutofthequestion.Beenthere,donethat,hadthechildtoshowforit.InalltheyearssinceI
movedtoArrowCreek,Ihadn’tbeenabletoletmyselfopenuptosomeoneenoughtodatethem,never
mindanythingclosetohavingsex.
ThedecisionImadeallthoseyearsagowassowrong,buttherealityofitwasthatIhadsaidyes.He
asked if it was okay, and I invited him to go ahead. And that’s the most shameful part of it all. Well,
almost.
Themostshamefulpartwaswhohewasandhowthat’sthedeepestbetrayalofall.
“Areyougoingtotellmewho—ˮ
“Mom!”
Theshriekwasbloodcurdling.IboltedoutofthekitchensofastIdidn’tspareKierstenaglance.I
roundedthecornerintothehallandflewthroughEvelyn’sbedroomdoor,surprisedIdidn’ttakeitoffthe
hinges.
“What?Baby,what’swrong?”
I surveyed the scene, but didn’t see anything out of place in my teenager’s untidy room. A trail of
clothesonthefloor,papersscatteredacrossherdesk,uncappedandopenedtubesandpalettesofmakeup
onherdresser.TheonlythingoutofplacewasEvelyncoweringinthecornerofherunmadebed.
“Isawamouse.”
“Eww.”Thatcamefrombehindme.
“Shutup,youdidnot,”Ireplied.Thewordsflewfrommymouthimmediateandhorrified.
“I did too! I was at my desk, writing, and leaned down to scratch my foot, and there it was in the
corner.”Sheindicatedtothecornerofherroomnexttoherdesk.Theonewhereshekepthertrashcan.
“Was it just one mouse?” I hated rodents. I could deal with bugs and spiders just fine, but rodents
grossedmeout.Thetrapsmademefeelawful,too.EitherIkilleditorIhadtotrytosetitfree.Either
way,Ididn’twanttogonearthedamnthing.
“Um,I’mnotsure.Itcouldhavebeentwo.”
I shot her a motherly glare that said I-didn’t-birth-you-to-deal-with-this-shit and tiptoed across the
room.Thankfully,therewasnomouse.Therewas,however,abananapeelandgodknowswhatelsein
hertrash.
“Whenwasthelasttimeyouemptiedthis?Areyoukeepingfoodinhere?”
Sheshrugged.“Idon’tknow.Lastweek?I’msorry,I’lltakeitoutrightnow.”Thatgothertoleaveher
perchonthebedandapproachme.
Ipickedupthetrashcanandkissedhertemple.“Thankyou,baby.GetAuntKthenumbertocallpest
controltoo,please.Ifyousawamouse,Idon’twanttogiveittimetomakeacozyhome.Blegh.”Igave
hermycelltouseandleftthegirlstocleantheroomwhileIwentbackouttothekitchentoemptyher
small bag of trash. Our plates were soaking in the sink, so I gave them a final rinse and loaded the
dishwasher,thenpickeduptheremainingscrapsofwrappingpaper.
AsIwaswipingdownthekitchentable,thedoorbellrang.Ihungtheragoverthefaucetandwentto
answerthedoor.Thatwasfast.Itcouldn’thavebeentwentyminutes.
IstartedtalkingasIswungtheheavyinteriordooropen,wantingthismousedealtwithasquicklyas
possible.“Thankyouforcomingsofast—oh.”
Whatinthehellwashappening?
Lawstaredbackatmefrommyfrontporch.Heworeapairofnicefittingjeans(notthatIlooked)and
aredbuttondownwiththesleevesrolledtohiselbows.Apatchabovetheleftbreastpocketread:Chuck
theExterminator.
Myeyesmovedbackuptohisface,andIcouldn’thelpnoticethathewassportinganhonest-to-god
fiveo’clockshadow.Itkilledmetoadmitit,butitlookedsogood.Shit.
“Your name isn’t Chuck,” I blurted, trying to save face for letting him stand on my doorstep for so
long.
“Andthisisn’tmydayjob.Ifyou’llletmein,IcangetstartedandbeoutofyourwayassoonasI
can.”
Ilookedtomysocksandopenedthedoortherestoftheway.Mycheeksflamedwithembarrassment.
“Right.Sorry.Downthehallandontheleft.”
Hisfootfallshadlongsincepassed,soIclosedthedoorandmeanderedtomydaughter’sbedroom.
Todaywasmessingwithmyhead.TherewasnowayIcouldstandwithhimandmydaughterinthesame
roomuntilthismousewasdealtwith.I’dlosemydamnmind.
WhichiswhyIgrabbedKiersten’sarmandtuggedherintothehallway.
“Ineedyoutostaywiththem.Listentowhathesays,hisrecommendations,andmakedecisions.Itrust
you.”
“Whereareyougoing?”shewhispered.
“Thekitchen.Maybestartsomelaundry.”
Shecockedaneyebrowandgavemeafunnylook.“Why?Whatisyourdeal?”
“That’s...Law,”ImurmuredaslowasIcould.Hereyebrowsshotbeneathherchoppyblondebangs.
“Noshit?”Shepeeredbackintothebedroom.
Lawwasbentover,pullingEvelyn’sdeskawayfromthewallwhileshechattedhisearoff.
Kierstenturnedbacktomewithawidegrinonherface.“Noshit.Irecognizethatassnow.”
“Forfuck’ssake,I’mdonewithtoday.Done.Gointhereandbehaveyourself.”
She strutted back into the bedroom so I went back to the kitchen. Since I’d already started the
dishwasher,therewasn’tanythinglefttodo.Thelaundryclosetwasjustoffthekitchen,butthereweren’t
any dirty clothes. We did laundry on Fridays, which was yesterday. I supposed I could start to make
dinner.
Astimepassed,Ibecamemoreanxious,droppingutensilsandmakingamessofingredientsasIput
togetherdinner.IguessIknewwhyhe’sbeeninthearea.Hemusthavemovedhere.
ThatisnottheanswerIwanted.Iwantedtohearhewasintownonbusinessorvisitingabuddyor
buying a car he found on some resale internet site. What I did not want to hear was that the man I had
lovedmyentirelifewasonceagainlivinginthesamesmalltownasme.
Footstepsgrewlouderfromthehallway,andIsnappedmyheadupfromwhereIwasstaringblankly
atthespeckledpatteronthecountertop.Wantingtolookbusy,Iyankedopentheovenandwenttoremove
thecasseroledishI’dplacedintherefordinner.ExceptIletthesoundofLaw’svoicedriftingfromdown
thehallwaydistractme,andIreachedinandgrabbedthedishwithoutputtingonanovenmitt.
“Ow!Owowow!”Icriedasthehotdishcrashedbackinsidetheoven.Icouldfeelmyfaceturningred
asIheldbacktearsandseveralinappropriatecursewords.InsteadofsobbinglikeIwanted,Ibentatthe
waistandcradledmyinjuredhandwiththeother.Thatdidn’thelp.Myheartbeatpulsedthroughthered,
swellingfleshandcausedevenmorepain.
Stronghandswrappedaroundmyshouldersandsteeredmetothesink.Thefaucetflippedon.Those
samehandssliddownmyarmsinalightgraze,sendinggoosebumpsskitteringalongmyskinbeforethey
reachedmywristsandthrustedmyhandsbeneaththewater.
Isighed.“Ahh.”
Amomentpassedastheseverepainbegantosubsideintoadullthrob,andIrealizedtheproximityof
Law’sbodytomine.Hewaspracticallywrappedaroundmyback.Hishipsweretothesideofmine,but
his long, muscled arm draped around my waist, beneath my elbow, where he held my hands lightly
beneaththewater.
“Stillclumsyaroundme,”hemurmuredinmyear,ahintofteasinginhisvoice.Thesoundofhumor
coming from him caused me to stiffen further. I yanked my arms back and fell against the countertop
besideme.
Lawstillheldoneofmywrists,andhetuggedit,forcingmyhandbackbeneaththelukewarmwater.
Oureyescaughtashejostledme,andIcouldn’tlookaway.Itappearedhecouldn’teither.
Ifhehadbeensmilingbefore,hesurewasn’tnow.Hiseyesnarrowed.Hedroppedthemtomylips
andfrowned.“Keepithere.Tenminutes.”
Hisvoicewastoowarm.Tooclose.Itsentaquiverthroughme.
“Iknowthat.Letgo.”
Hiseyesdriftedbacktomine.IfIwasn’tmistaken,I’dsweartherewasheatinhisgaze.
“Fine,”hebitout,then,inaflipofemotion,calmlyreleasedme.
Kierstenrushedforwardwithatowelforhimtodryoffon.Hethankedher,thendirectedhisattention
tome.
“I didn’t find a mouse. Not a sign of one, either. No bedding, food crumbs, or scat. Still put up a
coupletraps.Oneinyourgirl’sroombehindherdesk,twointhebasement,andwasgoingtodroponein
here.CheckedoutsidebeforeIcamein,andyourhouselookstight.I’llcomebyinadayortwotocheck
thetraps.”
Isuckedadeepbreaththroughmynose.“Thankyou.HowmuchdoIoweyou?”Iwentsearchingfor
mypurse,butonlymadeitasfarasthekitchenentrancebeforehisvoicestoppedme.
Itwasn’tsomuchwhathesaid,asitwasthetone.Thedeepbaritonegentledandsoftened,almostas
ifhewerecrooningalullaby.Iglancedovermyshoulderandmyjawslackened.
HewasspeakingtomyEvelyn.Thewarmgaze,thewayhebenttowardshertospeaktoherandnotat
her,itallwarmedmyheartandatthesametime,sentitintoafrenzy.
“Canyoufindyourmom’spursesoshecankeepherhandunderthatwater?”Thatwasallhesaid,but
itmeltedmeallthesame.
Evelynscamperedoff,whichpromptedLawtocutaglanceatmeandjerkhisheadtowardsthestill
runningfaucet.
Ilistened.Notbecausehetoldmetoo,butbecausemyhandstillhurtlikecrazyandIknewhewas
right.Ineededtodrawouttheburn.
While he busied himself setting another trap in the pantry, Kiersten pulled dinner from the oven. I,
however,staredoutthewindowandpretendedtheydidn’texist.Evelyncamebackanddroppedmypurse
onthecounternexttothesink.
“CanIgobacktomyroomnow?”
Iturnedmyheadandgaveherasmile.“Goahead,butdinnerisinafewminutes.”
She reached up on her toes and gave me a kiss on the cheek. There were only a few inches that
separatedourheightsnow.Soonerthanlatershewasgoingtocatchup,andmostlikelypassme.“Thanks,
mom.”
Lawapproachedmethenandturnedoffthefaucet.Itriedtopullmyhandaway,buthewouldn’tletit
go.Hejusttuggeditcloserandloweredhisfacetoinspectthefreshlyblisteredskin.
Theentireundersideofmythumbwasblistered,aswasthesideofmyindexfinger.Ithurt—bad.Not
goingtolie.Though,ithurtlesswhileunderLaw’sscrutinizinggaze.
WhatwasIsaying?Ineededtogetagrip.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Hepulledoutakitfromthebaghecarriedandtapedafreshpieceofgauzeovermyinjury.
“Keepthison.Changeitifitgetswetorsoiled.Don’tputanycreamonituntilatleastMonday.”
Ididn’tbothertellinghimIwasaparamedicandknewhowtocareforasimpleburn.Hisattentionto
takingcareofmewasunsettling.Ididn’tlikeit.Itbroughtupoldmemoriesofscrapesandskinnedknees.
Toomanymemories.“Okay.HowmuchdoIoweyou?”
Onesideofhismouthtippedup.Iwouldn’tquitecallitasmile,butitwassomething.“Forthedoctor
services?Igivethoseoutforfree.Hundredbucksforthemouseproblem.”
Ouch.Forbothhisteasingandthatcost.
Inoddedanddugoutmywalletone-handed.“Okay.Thankyou.”Ituckedahundred-dollarbillinto
hishand,tryingnottotouchhisskin.
Amusclejumpedinhisjaw.“Bebackinacoupledaysforthosetraps.Haveagoodevening,ladies.”
Ladies.Shit.
I spun away from him as he showed himself out, having completely forgotten Kiersten was in the
room. She had her back to the refrigerator door, arms crossed over her chest, and a grin on her stupid
smirkinglips.
Iwaswaitinguntilthedoorclosedtoaddressher,butKierstendidwhatshealwaysdid—blurtedout
whateverthehellwasonhermind.
“Isithotinhereorisitjustme?Youlookalittleflushed.”
“Notnow,”Ihissed,stillwaitingtohearthedoorshut.
“Ithinkyouneedacolddrink.Atall,drinkofwater,amiright?”
Cuttingherasharpglance,Itiptoedoutandpeekedtowardsthefoyer.
Empty.
For some reason, that relieved me, and I sagged against the wall in the hallway. My eyes closed. I
clutched my injured hand to my chest and breathed deeply until my racing pulse slowed and Kiersten
calledmyname.
AsIwalkedbacktothekitchen,Imadeamentalnote.Lawwouldbebacktocheckthetraps,butI
neededtotellhimtostayawayafterthat.Ifhe’slivinginthistown,it’dbebestwedidn’tseeeachother
again.
Thatmeantnomorespeakinginpublic.
NomorevisitingRitchie’sgraveatthesametime.
Nomorehousecalls.
Definitelynomorespeakingsweetlytomydaughter.Orspeakingtoheratallforthatmatter.
IfIwantedtostaysane,Ineededtocutallcontact.Again.IjusthopedIwouldsurviveitasecond
time.
***
ThistimeIwasmoreprepared.
Steelingmyselfwithadeepbreath,IopenedthedoortoLaw.Hewasbackinthatredworkpolowith
thelogoandapairofdarkwashjeans.Iglancedquicklydownhisbodybeforereturningmygazetohis
face.God,helooked...everywordthatcrossedmyminddidn’tfeellikeenoughtodescribewhatInow
sawinhisfeatures.Agedlikeafinewine,hisfaceheldamaturitythatwasbecoming.Hiseyescrinkled
inthecornersashestudiedme,andeventhatwasfascinating.Hewasolder,moredefinedandhard,and
yet,hiseyesstillheldasoftnessIwaspleasedtoseetimedidn’tsteal.
ItwasTuesdayfollowingtheemotionallychaoticweekend,andeventhoughthreedayshadpassed,I
stillwasn’tsureIcoulddothis.
Lawwasbacktocheckthetraps.
The sky had changed from blue to amethyst as twilight set in. I could see the first hint of stars
twinklingasIgazedoutbeyondhisleftshoulder.Iwasbeingawkward.Ihadn’tsaidhiorofferedtolet
himintogethisworkdonesohecouldleave.Buthedidn’tseemtomind.
Therewassomethinginthismoment.Theshockofrunningintoeachotheragainhadstartedtofade,
althoughitwouldnevercompletelydisappear.Weweren’tyellingateachotherforpasthurtsortryingto
pretendthepastneverhappened.Wejustwere.
Twopeople,whousedtobeinlove,standingineachother’spresence;forthefirsttimeinfourteen
years,apartofmysoulfeltrepaired.
Iwasn’tabouttodeludemyselfintohappyendings.Thefactwas,hewasheretodoajob.Thatwas
it.Afterafewbreathsinthequietpeaceofournewreality,Iwasreadytolethimdothatjob.
In order to get on with that, I blurted, “We’re alone here. I mean, not like that means anything. My
friendKierstenisn’there,andmydaughter’satbasketballpractice.”MyfaceflushedasIstumbledover
mypoint.“Idon’tmeananythingbyit,otherthantotellyoutheyaren’there.”
Lawcockedaneyebrowatme,thenhiseyesdriftedovermyrightshoulderandintomyhallway.He
gaveajerkofhisheadinthatdirection.“MayI?”
“Ofcourse.”
Iinhaledsharplythroughmynose,whichwasthewrongthingtodo.Atthatexactmoment,hebrushed
by me, causing what I intended to be a cleansing breath to be filled with the scent of him. Soap or
cologne,whateveritwas,overwhelmedmetothepointIclosedmyeyesandswayedwithdizziness.
HestillsmelledlikeIremembered,somethinguniquelyhimthatIwasneverabletofigureout.Iused
tothinkitwasamixtureofthesmellofhishome,laundrydetergenthismomused,andhissoap,butafter
this long, that can’t be true. Still, that scent of him from my memories was there beneath the layers of
blacktea,rhubarb,andahintofcedarfromhiscologne.
Openingmyeyes,Ishutthefrontdoorinadazeandtrailedafterhim.
“Seeanymoremice?”
WhenImadeittothekitchen,Ifoundhimstandinginthemiddleofit.Ilivedinamodesthouse.With
three bedrooms, one-and-a-half baths, and a fully finished basement, it was certainly big enough for
Evelynandme.HavingLawstandinginthemiddleofmyaveragekitchen,however,madethespacefeel
smallandcramped.Icouldn’tpassthroughthekitchenwithoutbumpingintohim,andthatunnervedme.
Hewaited,seeminglyformetodosomething,butIdidn’tknowwhatthatwas.
“Um,no.None.”
HiseyesmetminewhenIspoke,andIrealizedbelatedlythathewaswaitingformyattention.Once
hehadit,hejerkedhisheadtowardsmypantry.“MayI?”
God, I’m an idiot. “Yes, sorry. Do whatever you need to do.” I chewed the inside of my lip. For a
moment, I became comfortable with him here. I think, subconsciously, I expected him to move freely
aroundmyspaceandthatwaswrongonsomanylevels.One,becausehewasessentiallyastranger.And
two,thatmeantmyguardhadslippedalotmorethanIwasawareof,andthatwasabadthing.
Still, the silence that stretched between us felt as natural as it always had. As much as I felt like I
neededtomoveorfidget,Ididn’tfeelthatwayaboutthequietbetweenus.So,Istoodandwaited.
Heworked,movingfromthepantrydownthehalltoEvelyn’sroom.Then,frommyspotinthekitchen
where I was leaning against the counter, I heard the basement door open and his booted footsteps thud
down the stairs. A few minutes later, he returned and deposited his work bag on the floor by the
refrigerator.
“Allclear.Haveyouseenorheardanymicesincetheotherday?Movementinthewalls,chewmarks
inthepantry?”
“No.”Imusthavemadeafaceindisgust,becauseLawsmirked.Helookedawayandranahandover
hisunrulyhair.
“I can leave the traps set up for you, and you can always call if they manage to catch something. I
haven’tseenanyevidenceofaproblemthough.It’suptoyou.”
“Ithinkit’sbestifyoudon’tcomebackhere.”Yep.That’swhatIblurted.Thethoughthadbeenonmy
mindallweekend,andevidentlymybrainthoughtnowwasthetimetolethimknow.
Thatslightsmirkonhisfacefadedintoascowl.“What?”
“I’m sorry. If I had known you worked for pest control, I would have called somewhere else.” He
looked at me skeptically, and I sighed, knowing there wasn’t anyone else around this small town. “Or
boughtacat,”Iadded.“Thisisn’tright.Runningintoyouatthecoffeeshopwas...wellitsucked.Andif
youliveherenow,Ijustthinkit’dbebestifweweren’taroundeachother.”ThemoreIspoke,thefaster
mywordsrantogetheruntilIwasnearlybreathlessattheendofmyspeech.Gettingthosewordsouthurt
morethanIexpected.WhatsurprisedmemorethanthatwasthatIwasangry.AngryIhadtosaythemat
all.AngryatLawfornotjustavoidingmelikeheshould.LikeIdeserved.
“Youowemecoffee,”hereturned.Nowitwasmyturntofrown.
“Idon’toweyouanything.”
“Youdo.”Hetookastepcloser.Notsomuchthatweweretouching,butintheshrinkingspace,itwas
getting damn close. “You asked for coffee the other day. Said we could catch up and talk about things.
Now,I’lladmit,Iwasdamnpissedtoseeyou,butI’vechangedmymind.Iwantcoffee.”
My confusion rose. “Okay, so you can leave, and we can plan a better day in the future to have
coffee.”Like,say,never.
“I’mfeelinglikeIcoulduseacupnow,”hedroppedhisvoiceandmurmured.
Oh,shit.
“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
“It’sbeenalongday,Cami,andyourhousewasthelastonmylistfortheday.Idon’tknowifIcan
makeitbacktotheshopwithoutsomecaffeineinme.Thirty-minutedrive,Imightfallasleep.”
Ifeltlikeateenagerwhowantedtostompherfoot.“Areyoureallyguilt-trippingmerightnow?”
“Idon’tknow,amI?”Hisstupidgray/greeneyestwinkledwithhumor.
I darted my gaze around my kitchen in search of something to save me. They landed on the empty
coffeepot.“Idon’thaveanycoffeemade.It’sprobablybestforyoutogetontheroadnow.There’sagas
stationonthewayoutonhighway31.Theyprobablysellcoffee.Orenergydrinks.MountainDewisgood
whenI’mtired,too.”
He followed my gaze to the coffee pot, but his body didn’t move. “Cami,” he said, low and kinda-
sortahotifIwasn’tinsuchdeepdenial.
“Yes?”
“It’stenminutes.Onecup.Let’stalksowecanmoveon.Don’tmakeitanyharderthanitalreadyis.”
Mymindworkedforanotherexcuse.Anythingtogethimtoleave,buttherewasnoway.Nopossible
way,becausetheonlywaywouldbetoputmyfootdown,likeanadult,andaskhimtoleave,tomakemy
tonefirmandunwavering,toeventurnintoabitchandthreatentothrowhimoutifhedidn’tgoonhis
own.
AndIknew,deepdownintothepartofmyheartthatstilllovedLaw,thatIcouldneverdothat.
Isighedandmutteredbeneathmybreath,“Fine.”
Givingintohimwasn’tashardasIthoughtit’dbe,mostlybecausethenexttaskseemedimpossible.
NowthatI’dagreedtolethimstayforcoffee,Ineededtoactuallymakeapotofcoffee,andinordertodo
that, I had to cross to the other side of my kitchen. Which meant squeezing by Law, preferably without
touchinghim.
As predicted, it was impossible. Our arms brushed together. It was brief, but it affected me. The
contactmademestiffen,andimagesofhimgrabbingmeandpullingmeintohisbroadchestflashedinmy
head.
Alwaysincontrol,Lawaskedmesteadily,“Youokay?”
“Mmhm!”MyvoicecameouthighpitchedasIstartedthepot.Ittookallmystrengthnottofidgetand
drummyfingertipsalongthecounterwhileIwaitedforthewatertogethot.Assoonasthecoffeestarted
pouring into the carafe, I grabbed two mugs from the cupboard directly above the machine and moved
themoneaftertheotherbeneaththestream.
“Inahurry?”
“Nope.IthoughtI’dgetsomecaffeinetoyoubeforeyoufellasleepinmykitchen.”Iextendedamug
hisway,carefultoavoidhistouch.
Heraisedhiseyebrowsatmeovertherimashetookasipbutsaidnothing.Nervesstoleoverme.
Thepanicmademyhandscold,soImovedmygripfromthehandletothewarmporcelainbodyofthe
cup.
Aftersippinginsilence,hefinallyspoke.Secondspassedlikeminutes.“How’sthehand?”
“Oh.”Imovedmyhandtomyface,inspectingthecleangauzeIhadforgottenaboutuntilhisquestion
remindedme.“It’sfine.”Ishrugged.
“Goodtohear.”
SilencedescendedwhileIstruggledforsomethingtosay.“Thanks.For,um,”Iwavedmybandaged
handintheair.“Youknow.”
Why did he have to be so fricken hot? Even in that cheesy uniform he looked confident and calm,
relaxedagainstmycountertop.Onebootedfootrestedovertheother,andheheldhismugclaspedbythe
handleinfrontofhisstomach.Hestudiedme.NotlikeIconfusedhimandhecouldn’tmakesenseofme.
No, he studied me like a puzzle, something he knew could be put together if only he figured out how.
Whenhestoleanotherdrink,andswipedhislipswithhistongue,myattentionwasdrawntohismouth.
“Cami,”hecalledsoftly.Histonewasn’twarm,butitwasn’ticeeither.Itfeltlikeachillybreezeona
falldaywhenwinterwasnearby.Thehaironmyarmsstoodonend.
“Yeah?”Mywordwasn’tsoft.Itwastightandhighandmaybealittlepleading.
“Whathappenedtoyou?”
There it was. He came right out with it, not beating around the bush, not playing nice. Law didn’t
pretendtonothavesomeideaofwhyIdisappeared.BecausehenowknowsaboutEvelyn.But,forthe
pastdecadeandahalf,hereallyhadnoclue,soIshouldtellhim.
AtleastasmuchasIcan,withoutgivinghimeverything.
Theproblemwas,Ididn’tknowhow.“Youknowwhathappened.You’veseenmydaughter,Law.I—
youcanputittogether.”
Hisgriptightenedsubtlyonthemug.“WhatIcanputtogetheristhatyougotpregnantandtookoff.
What I’m missing here is why? I don’t want the watered-down PG version. I want it all. I’ve always
wanteditallwithyou,Cami.Don’thideitfrommenow.”
Myeyesshottohisontheword‘pregnant,’andiftheyhadn’t,Iwouldhavemissedthewayitseemed
toalmostmakehimsicktosaythosewords.CouldIblamehimforbeingdisgustedinme?NotwhenI’m
stilldisgustedinmyself.
Icouldn’tlookathimanymore.Instead,Ibusiedmyselfwithtracingmyindexfingeraroundtherimof
mymug.Thesteamcondensedonmyfingers.“Ididsomethingstupidandthat’sallthatmatters.”
“I’mnotgoingtoaskyouagain.Ihavearighttoknowwhyyouleftme.”
“Idon’tthinkyoudo.Wewerekids.Nowwe’renot.Alongtimehaspassedsincethen.”
“Damnit,Cami.Tellme!Tellmewhyyoucrushedmeallthoseyearsago.TellmewhyI’vespentthe
lastfourteenyearshauntedbytheghostoftheloveofmylife,”hespatbitterly.
“Youdidn’twanttobewithme.Youwantedtoseeotherpeople.”
“Ididn’tmeanpermanently,andyoudamnwellknewthat.”
“Law-ˮ
Hecutmeoff.“Lawrence.”
“Lawrence,”Iamended,feelingthedistanceusinghisfullnameputbetweenusatthesametimehating
he forced it on me. “I was a sixteen-year-old girl. I know that now, but back then, it was the most
unimaginablethingtohappen.I’dalreadylostmydad,mymomwaspracticallyapieceoffurniture,and
Ritchie–.”Sayinghisnameincontexttoatimewhenhewasstillalivechokedmeup.Iblinkedbackthe
heavywaveoftearsthreateningtofall.“YouwereallIhadleft,”Iwhispered.
“Christ,”hebitoutanddroppedhisgazetostudyhisboots.
“Iwaslost,”Ichoked,thedrynessofmythroatandtheregretIfeltobstructingmyabilitytospeak.“I
felt unwanted and lonely. I know how this makes me sound. If it were my daughter, I’d be so sad and
ashamedofherbehaviorbut...Ijustwantedtofeelsomethingotherthanhurtandunwantedallthetime.”
Hisheadsnappedbackup.“Yeah?Didyoufindwhatyouwerelookingfor?”Hewasangry,andhis
wordsstokedmyownfire.Thetearsinmyeyesevaporated.
“Yeah,actually,Idid.Obviously,notfromyou,andnotfromhim!IfoundmyloveinEvelyn,andas
muchasthisallsucked,Iwouldn’ttradeherforanything.”
“Yeah,typicalwordsofaparent.Mustbenicetohaveshitoneveryonearoundyouandstillcomeout
ontop.”
Hiswordsfeltlikeaslapintheface.“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”Icried,throwingmyhandsup
andsloshingcoffeeoverthesideofmymug.Itrandownmyhandanddrippedtothefloor,butIdidn’t
care.
His torso swung towards me as he answered. “What it means is you’ve got a fancy house, nice
clothes,obviouslyagoodjob.Yougotsomeonetoloveyou.Lookstomelikeeverythingworkedoutfor
poor,sadCami.”
“Howdareyou.Youdon’tknowthefirstthingaboutme,orwhatI’vebeenthrough.”
Lawdidn’tbotherwithananswer.Heturnedtomysink,dumpedtherestofhiscoffeedownthedrain,
andsetthemugbesideit.Hishandsgrippedtheedge,asifheweretryingtoregainsomecontrol.
I was fascinated watching him. The setting sun from the window turned his broad back into a
silhouette.Thetensenessofhisshoulderswasoutlinedbythefadingsun,definingonceagainhowmuch
strongerhewassinceIusedtoknowhim.
Whenheturnedaround,allsignsofrageweregone,andsurprisingly,thatupsetme.Initsplacewas
haggardkindofsadnessthatdidn’tcomefromaminordisappointment.Forthefirsttimesincehereturned
tomylife,Icouldseethatmychoicesandmistakestookatollonhim.
Iwasrightbefore,withwhatIsaidtoKiersten;Iwasthecatalystforallofthis.
“Youdon’teither,”hestartedcryptically,andIredirectedmyattentionsoIdidn’tmisswhathewas
abouttosay.
“Because you didn’t wait around to find out. It took me less than a month to realize what a stupid
mistakeI’dmade.Youdidn’ttakemeback,becauseyouwerealreadyknockedup.It’sallcomingtogether
now,though.Youletsomebodyfuckyousoyoucouldfeelanounceoflove,wellIdidit,too.
“Thedifferenceis,youwerealreadygoneinawayIknewI’dneverhaveyouagain.So,Isettledfor
theclosestthing.Yeah,”headdedwhenhesawtheshockonmyface.“IgotbackwithSteph.Shebecame
whatIneededwhenIwaswreckedfromyoudisappearing.Andaftermydadgotthatcallthatyoumoved
to Maine, I went from wrecked to pissed. I needed somebody to wash away the taste of you, and that
somebodywasSteph.”
Oh,God.MystomachcrampedandachedfromwhatIwashearing.Thepartsofmyheartthatwere
leftbeatingstartedtowitherwitheverywordoutofhismouth.
He wasn’t finished. Swiping his palm over his face, he dropped his hand limply to his side and
continued.“Iletherconsumemeandthatmademestupid.Amonthbeforegraduation,Igotherpregnant.
Thedayafterwegraduated,wegotmarriedatthecourthouse.Twoweeksafterthat,Itookajobasan
apprenticelaborerataconstructioncompanytosupportmynewfamily.”
“Please, you don’t need to tell me this,” I begged as old wounds bled fresh again. It was as if he
didn’tevenhearme.
“The work was shit. We built houses from sun up until sundown, six days a week. My new wife
reapedthebenefitsofmypaycheck,whileIworkedmyselftothebone.Ihardlyeversawher.Whichis
whywhenIgothurtonthejobonedayandcamehomeearly,shewasshockedasshittoseeme.AswasI
tofindhernakedinourbedwithmybestfriend.”
I couldn’t form an appropriate response, so I stayed quiet. I feared that if I opened my mouth, I’d
eithercry,yell,orvomit.TheguiltI’dfeltformyownchoicesateatmelikeanacidasIlistenedtothe
dominoeffectmydecisionshadinLaw’slife.
“Shebeggedforasecondchance.Iwastooyoungandproudtofileforadivorcesosoonafterwegot
married. I was holding out for my baby. I thought once we were a real family, the marriage would fix
itself.”
That was when he seemed lost. The story seemed over. Did that mean he was still married to her
now?Withachild,maybemore,waitingathomeforhimtogetdoneworking?Ithurtsobad,butIforced
myselfnottosearchhishandforaring.Ididn’thavetherighttocare,eventhoughIdid.
Andthenitgotsomuchworse.
“ThesamedayIlearnedIwashavingason,Ilearnedthatinsteadofabaptism,we’dbeholdinga
funeral.”
The breath got caught somewhere between my nose and my lungs, and a sob forced its way out.
“Law.”
“Doctorsawsometerminalabnormalityonthescan.Nothingcouldbedone.Afterthat,StephandI
fell apart. Took me six years to get rid of her. We were both grieving hard, and I wasn’t a big enough
assholetoleaveherlikethat.Afteracoupleofyears,wetalkedabouttryingagain,andwedidacouple
of times, but nothing stuck. She had five miscarriages before we both decided enough was enough. We
weren’tinlove.Wewerebothjusttryingtofillthevoidsinourliveswitheachother.”
Iopenedmymouthtospeak,buthekeptrightonevisceratingme.
Hepushedofffromthesink.“IthoughtIcoulddothiswithyou,patcholdhurtsandmoveon.Ican’t.
I’ve got six little angels that never got to take that first breath and an ex-wife in a wake that was left
behindbecauseofyou.Because.Of.You.Andyou’vegoteverything.Onebeautifulbabygirlwholoves
youandisyourentireworld.I’dbefoolishtogiveyouthechancetostealitalloutfromundermeagain.”
Ajumbleofdefensesandapologiesroseinmythroat,buttheyallgotstuckonmytongue.NothingI
couldsayinthatmomentwouldrelieveanyofthepainhecurrentlybroughtbackuptothesurface.Itcut
mesodeep,butashegrabbedhisbagandwalkedhimselfout,Istoodbackandlethim.
Therewasn’tanythingelseformetodo.
4.
ThatwasthelastofLaw.
OrsoItoldmyself.
After he had left, Evelyn called from practice and asked to have a sleepover at her best friend’s
house. It was a school night, but after what had gone down in my kitchen, I claimed the Mother-of-the-
YearAwardandgaveherthegoahead.Then,Ispentanightinmyquiet,lonelyhousedrowninginthehalf
remainingbottleofbourbon.
I’d had more alcohol that week than I’d had in nearly fifteen years, but it was necessary. I couldn’t
stomachlisteningtotheshortversionofLaw’slifestoryandremainsober.Hisvoicekeptreplayinginmy
head the horrible things he’d gone through with just enough blame threaded in his tone to tell me he’d
neverforgiveme.
Asanadult,Irealizedthatthingshappenedinlife.He’dmadechoicesjustasIhad,andthosechoices
hadn’tpannedoutthewayhe’dplanned.Minehadn’teither.Therewereconsequences.Therewerealso
thingsbeyondourcontrol.Itsucked,butitwasalsoapartoflife.So,onthatlevel,Ihadtostowawayhis
paininacompartmentofsympathy,nothingmore.
Still,evenafewshotsin,Icouldn’tseemtocompletelyextinguishtheguiltIfelt.The‘what-ifs’and
‘if-I’d-onlys.’Ithurtasifhislifestoryhadhappenedtome.Weusedtobesoclosethatalmostanything
thathappenedtohimdidfeellikemyown.Hisjoycausedmejoyandhispainhurtme,too.
Ittookawhile,butIwaseventuallyabletolockthatguiltawaywithalltheotheremotionsthathadto
dowithLaw.
ThreeweekshadpassedandIhadn’tseenhim.
Ialsohadn’tseenanymice,andIwasstartingtobelieveEvelynhadimaginedthem.
“Sweetie, are you getting up for school?” I called to her from outside her bedroom door. We were
nearingThanksgivingbreak,andshewasbecomingincreasinglylessproductiveastheholidaysneared.
WhatIwouldgivetobeateenageragain.Myjobhadbeentheopposite.Stupidaccidentswereatanall-
time high during the holidays. Slick roads and an increase in holiday celebrations were the biggest
contributingfactors.
Iknockedlouder.“Evelyn?”
Noanswer.
My stomach felt queasy as I pushed open her door. Even with her excitement for school break, she
wasn’t a lazy kid. I knew the minute I saw her lying in bed that my life just loved screwing with me. I
didn’tevenneedtopressmyhandtoherforeheadforconfirmation,butIdiditoutofmotherlyinstinct.
Shewasburningup.
“Areyoufeelingsick,honey?”
“Yes,”shemoaned,soundingpitiful.
“I’llcallyououtofschool.Berightback,”Imurmuredandlefttodojustthat.
Thegoodnewswas,Itrustedhertostayhomealone,whichmeantIwouldn’thavetocalloutofwork.
Ihadsickleavesaved,butweweresuchasmalltownthatonlyafewofusworkedinrotation.IfIcould
helpit,Ididn’twanttoinconveniencemycoworkerslikethat.Thebadnewswas,shewassickandthat
alwaysbrokemyheart.EvenmoresowhenIcouldn’tstaywithher.
I checked to make sure we were well stocked on soups and crackers, and left her with her phone
nearbyandinstructionstocallmeifsheneededanything.
AftertheeightphonecallsIreceivedthroughoutthedayfromEvelyn,Iwasthankfulformycareeras
aparamedicinasmalltown.Thedaywasslow,soIcouldanswerhercallsandputoutherfireswhileat
the same time not jeopardizing my job. Nathan, my regular partner, was ridiculously cool about me
dealingwithmysickkid.He’dlosthiswifetwoyearsagotobreastcancer,soheunderstoodbalancinga
jobandfamilyillnesses.
Mypoorgirlsoundedmiserable.Iwassurethiswasthestartoftheflu.Theactualflu.Notthesniffles
mostpeoplegotinthewinterandcalledtheflu.WhichmeantIneededtoarmmyselfsoIdidn’tgetsick
too.
I couldn’t leave fast enough at the end of the day. During one of her many phone calls, Evelyn
requestedIpickupsomepopsiclesforhersorethroat,soIdrovetheextrafifteenminutestothegrocery
store.Imadeabee-lineforthefrozentreatssection,pickedheroutaboxofallcherry,herfavorite,and
thenwalkedtothepharmacy.Afteraddinganarsenalofcoldandpainsootherstomycart,Ithoughtabout
dinner.
Evelynwouldhavesoup,butsomethingalittlemoreexcitingthanCampbell’swouldbeniceforher.
ThefrontleftwheelofmycartsqueakednoisilyasIwalkedtowardsthedeli.
Ilovedthisstore.Forasmall-towngrocer,theyhadeverything.Thedeliwasstockedfreshdailywith
some of my favorite foods. I’d often come by late Sunday night and pick up some premade meals for
weekdaylunches.Ahalf-gallonofsoupcouldlastEvelynandmetheentireweek.Rightnow,I’dseeif
theyhadsomecreamygnocchiormaybearoastedsquashtogetsomehealthystuffinher,andaloafof
Frenchbreadfordipping.
JustwhenIthoughtIcouldalmosttastethedelifromthearomasurroundingme,thefrontofmycart
suddenlystopped.Theforceofmystomachhittingthehandlesentthecarttippingtotheleft.Instinctually,
myhandslockedonthehandletosaveitfromcrashingtothefloor,butitwastooheavy.Thecartwas
abouttodragmedownwithitwhensomeonereachedoutandcaughtit.
“Careful.”
IwasstilltryingtosuckbreathbackintomyshockedlungswhenIlookedupandlostitalloveragain.
“Lawrence.Thankyou.”
Herockedbackonhisheelsandtuckedhishandsinhispockets,butdidn’tofferaverbalresponse.
Hesimplygaveanod.
“Iknowit’snotmybusiness,butyou’restillintown.”
Hiseyesscannedmyface,anditmademefeellikeIwasunderamicroscope.Likeeverythinginside
mewasexposed.“Isthereaquestionthere?”
Wellonethingwasforcertain,hewasstillpissed.Right.Timetowrapthisupandgethometomy
Evelyn.“Notreally,Iguess.I’msurprisedtobumpintoyouisall.”
“Igottaeat,justlikeeverybodyelse.”
“Right,”Iwhispered,feelingstupid.NotthatIdidanythingwrong,butIshouldn’thavebeensurprised
hedidn’twanttostrikeupaconversationwithme.
Ipushedmycarttomovearoundhim,butthedamnthingdidn’tmove.Iclosedmyeyesandsummoned
patience.
“Yourwheel’sbroken.”
Myeyespoppedopen,andIlookedtowherehewasindicatingwithhisowngaze.“Well,that’sjust
great.”
Lawwalkedtothenearestendcapandreturnedwithashoppingbasket.Withoutaskingme,hestarted
totransfermyitemsfromthecart.“Areyoualwaysthisdramatic?”
“OnlywhenI’mtryingtogethometomysickdaughter,”Isnapped.
Mywordsstoppedhim,andhepausedbrieflywiththeboxofpopsiclesinhishand.Turninghishead,
hesearchedmyfacewhenheasked,“Sheokay?”Ashewaitedformyreply,hestraightenedandheldmy
nowfullbasketofitemsfromhisfingertips.
Myheartached,knowingthedirectionhisthoughtsmusthavegone.Law’sright.Iamdramatic.“Yeah,
she’sokay,”Imurmured.“It’sjusttheflu.Ineedtogethersomesoupfordinner.”
Withthecartempty,Lawturnedandstrodeovertothedelicounter.Duringourexchangethelinehad
disappeared as everyone was helped. He greeted the employee and handed my basket of things over to
him.“Hey,Cory,canyouringthesethingsup?Wealsoneedsomesoup.Cami,whatdoesyourgirllike?”
Severalthingshappenedatonce,andmybraincouldn’tkeepup.Likehowheknewtheemployee’s
firstname.OrthewayheaskedmewhatsoupEvelynliked,asifhewasorderingforme.Lastly,thefact
hewasbeingfriendlyatall.
Iclosedmymouthandshookoffthesurprise.Lethimbehelpful.ThelessIfoughtit,thefasterIcould
gethometoEvelyn.
“Um,gnocchiorbutternutsquash.Inthatorder.Oh,andsomeFrenchbread.”
I swore I saw the corner of Law’s mouth twitch. He turned back to the employee I now knew was
namedCory.
“Getmeahalf-gallonofgnocchi,ahalf-gallonofthesquash,andyouhaveanyofthattoastedsweet
breadmadeup?”
“Icanjustgrabaloafandtoastitmyself,”Icalled,butitwaslikeIhadn’tspoken.
“Sure do. You want a half or a whole?” Cory moved around as he spoke, filling two half-gallon
containerswiththesoupsLawordered.Ihopedheplannedontakingoneforhimselfbecausethat’stoo
muchforEvelynandme.
“Makeitawhole.”
Iopenedmymouthtointerjectagain,whenLawshockedtheshitoutofmebyhandingoverhiscredit
card.
Thistime,Iraisedmyvoice.“Law!”
“Shutit,Cami.Thelessyouargue,thequickeryoucangethome.”
Damnhim!Aheadachewasdullythrobbingbehindmyeyes.
Igavehimmyshoulderbyturningtowardsthedisplaycaseandbusiedmymindwithreadingallthe
nameplatesinfrontofthedifferentsalads.Ireadthrough:No-BakeBakedPotatoSalad,BuffaloChicken
Salad, Three Cucumber Salad, Broccoli Cheese Salad, Deli Antipasto Toss, and Cranberry Pistachio
Cloudbeforehewastappingmeontheshoulderandtellingmeitwastimetogo.
“Icancarrymythings,”Isaidhalfheartedly.Atthispoint,hewasn’tevenlistening,andIwasgetting
angry.
WesteppedoutintotheNovemberchill.Iwrappedmycoattighteraroundmybodyandstuckoutmy
handformybags.“Thanks.I’vegotitfromhere.”
Onceagain,heignoredme.“Where’syourcar?”
“Lawrence,Igotit.”
“Ididn’taskifyougotit.Iaskedwhere’syourcar.”
“Please.Ijustwanttogethome.”
“Cami,where’syourdamncar?”
Fighting the urge to stomp my foot, or let out some shrieking battle cry, I jammed my hand into my
pocket, whipped out my keys, and started pressing the button on my key fob until the lights blinked
repeatedly.“Thereyougo.”
Heletoutanobnoxioussnort,wrappedhislargehandaroundmyelbow,andtowedmetowardsmy
car.“Difficult...dramatic...Notmuchhaschangedwithyou,hasit?”
Ijerkedmyarmbackoutofhisgrasp.“Thanksfortheinsult.”
“Isit?”
Iglancedathimfromthecornerofmyeye.WereachedmycarsoIunlockedthetrunk.“Itisifyou’re
implyingI’mchildish.”
“No,notchildish.Stubborn,definitely.”
“Thanks,”Ihuffed.
Hesetbothbagsinsideandslammeditclosed.
Iforcedmyselftotakeadeepbreath.IwantedhimtohearmysinceritywithwhatIsaidnext.“Thank
you.Truly.Forhelpingmeinthere.Itcouldhavebeenacatastrophe,andIwouldhavebeenevenlater
gettingthishometomydaughter.Ireallyappreciatethehelp.”
Welockedeyes,andIfeltlikemymessagehadbeenconveyed.Thatwas,untilhecrackedasmileand
threwhisheadbacktostretchhisneck.“Andthere’sthedrama.”
“What?Whatdrama?I’mbeingserious.”
He rolled his head back into place. “I know. Which is why it’s funny that you used the word
catastrophetodescribeashoppingcartfallingapart.Seriously,Cami.”
Ipursedmylipstokeepfromsmiling.“Oh,shutup.Ineedtogethome.”
“Yeah,Idotoo.”Hisfacefelltoseriousness,andhesunkhisteethintohisbottomlip.Themovement
madethelongdimplesoneithersideofhismouthstandout.Mystomachflippedatthesight.It’dbeenso
long,andhehadyettosmileinmypresence,I’dforgottenallaboutthem.
Mygazemovedfromthedimplestohismouth.“So,Iguessthisisitthen?You’regoingbackhome?”
“Shit,”hecursed,andmyeyessnappedtohis.
IthappenedsoquicklythatIneversawitcoming.Onesecondwewerestaringateachother,andthe
next,hisbigbodywascagingmein.Hisarmscamedownoneithersideofme,andherestedhispalms
againstthelidofmytrunk.Ibowedmybacktogivemyselfsomespace,butLawwashavingnoneofthat.
Hecamewithme.Hisbroadchestpressedagainstmybreastsandoneofhishandsleftthetrunktowrap
aroundmyback.
“What are you doing?” I whispered shakily, trying to figure out what to do with my hands. I didn’t
wanttoleadhimon,butnottouchinghimfeltwrong.Touchinghimfeltwrong,too,soIwasstuck.
Heclosedhiseyesandrestedhisforeheadagainstmine.Whenheopenedthem,theyseemedtoshine.
“Iliveherenow,Cami.”
“Youdo?”
Hebithislipagain.“You’regoingtohateme,anyway.”
Mybrowfurrowed.“Hateyouforwhat?”
Awarwagedinhiseyes.“Forthis.”Thehandbehindmybacktangledintomyhair,andheuseditto
tipmyheadtotheside.Myeyesopenedwide,butthesecondhislipstouchedmine,theydriftedclosedas
ifI’dfallenasleep.Anewdreambegan,onethatIknewIwouldn’twakeupfromfortherestofmylife.A
dreamwhereLawandIcouldsomehowfixthischasmbetweenusandfindoneanotheragain.
Therewasnothingsloworgentleaboutthewayhedevouredmylips.Hestolefromme.Hepressed
mylipsuntiltheysubmittohis,andthenheproddedwithhistongueuntilIopenedforhim.Kissinghim
nowwasnothinglikeIremembered,andIwassuddenlygrippedwithfear.
Couldhetastemyinexperience?Wasthefeelofhismouthonmineaspotenttohimasitwasforme?
I no longer wondered what to do with my hands. They moved on their own to slip inside his open
coat.Iranmyfingersuphischest,causingamoantorumblefromhislips.IkeptmovinguntilIgripped
hisshouldersandpulledhimtightertome.
WhateverIdidbrokethespell,andhewrenchedhismouthfrommine,puttingspacebetweenus.
We panted heavily, creating white clouds between us. They floated up above our heads, taking
whatevermagicwehadconjuredwiththem.Iremainedspeechless,butLawspoke.
“Wecan’tseeeachotheragain.”
Mymouthfellopeninshock.
“Iliveherenow,soplaceslikethis?It’sunavoidable.Butyousaiditrightafewweeksago.We’dbe
betteroffavoidingeachother.”
“Thenwhythehelldidyoukissme?”
Hesniffedandlookedoutatthehorizon.“Because,Iwantedyoutofeelit.”
“Feelwhat?”
“Gethome.Takecareofyourdaughter.”
Ipushedawayfromthecar,backintohisspace.“Feelwhat?”Ibitout.
“Nothing,”hegrowledback.“Iwantedyoutofeelnothing,becauseIdon’tlikeyoulikethat.Andif
youfeltnothingandIfeltnothing,wecanstopwiththisgamebetweenus.”
Angeroverrodemycommonsenseanddecency.Ishovedhiminthechestwithbothmyhands.When
thatdidn’tfeelgoodenough,Ishovedhimagain,thistimestingingmypalmsandforcinghimbackastep.
Hisfacemorphedintoshock,andthenturnedhardwhenIgotuponmytiptoesrightintohisspace.
“Youmayhaveforgotten,sinceit’sbeensolong,butIlikethepeoplekissingmetolikemelikethat.”
Ididn’twaitforhisreaction.Icouldn’t.Physically,mentally,Ineededtogetoutofthere.BythetimeI
gotinmycar,startedit,andputitinreverse,Lawwasgone.
“Evelyn,I’mhome.”
ThehousewasdarkexceptfortheTVflickeringfromthelivingroom.Ipaddedlightlydowntheunlit
hallwayuntilIhitthekitchenentrance.Ifshe’sasleeponthecouch,Ididn’twanttoupsetherbyflooding
the room with light. I searched blindly for the light switch while the two bags from the store rustled
togetherandswunginmygrip.
IworkedquicklyputtingeverythingawaysoIcouldgettoher.Acouplehourshadpassedsincewe
spokeaboutthepopsicles,andIfeltguiltyforwastingthatextratimewithLaw.
After dishing and warming two bowls of butternut squash soup in the microwave, I tore off some
breadandsetatray.Rightnow,there’snothingI’dratherdothanrelaxwithmybabygirlonthecouch.
SomeLifetimemoviewasplayingonmute.Ileftiton,notinthemoodforanyparticularshow,and
gentlyshookher.
“Hey, honey. I’m home and I have food.” I slid my hand from her shoulder to the back of her neck.
Heatenvelopedmyfingertips.Herfeverwasraging.“HaveyouhadanyTylenoltoday?”
“Mom?”shecroaked,andthesoundbrokemyheart.
“Oh,sweetie.Situp.Let’sgetsomemedicinetobringdownthatfever,andyoucantrytoeat.Ihave
popsicles,ifyouwantoneofthoseinstead.”
“Okay.”Thewordbarelyleftherlipsbeforeshedroppedherheadbackdowntothepillow.
ItookherbowlbacktothekitchenandtradeditforapopsicleandsomeTylenol.
“All right, time to wake up for a minute.” After coaxing her to sit, she took the medicine and the
popsicle.Isqueezedmyselfontothecouchwithher,andsherestedherheadagainstmythigh.Imanaged
tobalancethetrayofsouponthearmofthecouchandbetweenbites,Istrokedherhair.
“Yousureyoudon’twantsomesoup?It’sreallygood.”
“No,I’mokay.”
“Haveyouhadanythingtoeattoday?”
Sheshookherheadagainstmythigh.“No.Imadesometea,butImostlyslept.”
I sifted the silky strands of her auburn hair through my fingers. “Fine, but tomorrow you’re eating
soup.Ihaveenoughtolastustwoweeks.”
“Why’dyoubuysomuch?”Evelynaskedthroughayawnthatturnedsharplyintoacough.
“Mistake,”Igrumbledaroundthelastspoonfulofmysoup.“Changedmymindonthekind,andsince
theycouldn’tputitback,theemployeegaveittomeforfree.”
“Thatwasniceofthem.”
Iredirectedmyhandtorubthemusclebetweenherneckandshoulder.Shewasn’tcomplainingbutI
knewshehadtohavemuscleachesbynow.“Yeah,”Ireplied,rememberingthetrueeventsoftheevening.
“Itsurewas.”
Soon,herbreathsturnedsoft;thatis,untilthecoughingstarted.AfterIshiftedmydinnertraytothe
coffeetable,Islidmylegoutfrombeneathmetogetmorecomfortable.EvelynsleptwhileIstrokedher
hair,andIgotlostinmythoughts.
Mywordsfromearlierplayedbackinmyhead.IwonderedifLawwouldrecognizethem.Ifthey’d
makehimfeelaslostandnostalgicastheydidme.ForthefirsttimeinallthistimeIwishedI’dhadhis
cellnumbersoIcouldlashoutathimovertext,butIknewitwouldn’tdousanygood.
We weren’t good for one another. Whatever we had in the past was nothing more than a childhood
crush.Andyeah,maybeifI’dstuckaroundwecouldhavemadeagoofthings,butthatwasn’thowlife
workedout.Ididn’tstickaround.Hedidn’tcomelookingforme,andtheworldkeptonspinninguntilit
decidedtodumphimbackintomylife.Toomuchtimehadpassed.Thehurtandtheresentmentwouldn’t
stayburiedforever.Icouldcountononehandthenumberofencounterswe’dhadandnoneofthemwere
pleasant.Infact,theyseemedtobeescalating,whichshouldhavegivenmemyanswer.
Withmydaughterinmyarms,IfeltlikeIcouldmakesenseofitall.We’dbeendoinggoodforalong
time,justthetwoofus,andI’ddoanythingnottoupsetourbalance.
My eyes grew heavy. Throwing out a hand blindly, I nabbed the remote from the coffee table and
endedtheconstantflickeringfromtheTV.Theroomplungedintodarkness.
IleftEvelynonthecouch,butbeforeIdid,Icoveredherwiththethrowfromthebackofthecouch.
She thankfully didn’t stir. Then I went and got ready for bed alone, just as I’d done every night for
fourteen years. Something I would continue to do on the nights that Law upset me and those he didn’t.
Somethingthat,evenifwebecamefriendlywithoneanother,Iwouldstilldoalone.
ThatwasthetypeofwomanIchosetobe.IwashappywithmylifeandeverythingI’dbuiltformy
daughterandme.I’dbedamnedifI’dletafewencounterswithhimruinthat.
Onthisnight,though,Icrawledintobed,andasIwaitedforsleep,Ididsomethingdifferently;Ilet
myselfremember.Onememorywasdredgedup,andIclungtothatthoughtassleeppulledmeunder.
Fifteenandahalfyearsearlier...
“Wherearewegoing?”
Law’shandaroundminesqueezedandtuggedmeforwardupthedirtpath.Helookedbackatmewith
acrookedsmirkbutsaidnothingtoanswermyquestion.Hisbrighteyesspokeofhisexcitementforhim.
Wewereonanotheroneofouradventures,andasusual,herefusedtotellmewhereweweregoing.
The nice part about living in a small town was being able to get where we wanted by walking or
ridingourbikes.LawandIlivedcloseenoughthatwecouldwalktooneanother’shouse,andoncewe
were together, our parents let us go anywhere. Well, his parents did. My dad was dead, and my mom
probably couldn’t care less. In two months, Law would have his license and his dad already promised
himhisoldtruck,sothiseraofourliveswascomingtoanend.
The early morning breeze whipped my hair around my face, the strands tickling against my cheeks.
Sunlightstartedtofilterthroughtheboughsofthetrees,ripewithmid-summerleaves.Itwaschilly,butin
afewhoursandafterafewmilesofhiking,itwouldstarttowarmup.
“Whatifsomethinghappenstoyou,andIhavetotrytocallforhelp?I’llhavenoideawhereweare,
howwegothere,andhowtogetout.I’llbeeatenbyabearorsomething,sinceeverybodyknowsbears
liketheirfoodlivinginsteadofdead.Idon’tthinkit’sfairyoualwaysknowandgettoleadtheway.”
Istumbledoverarock.Law’sarmwenttautandhespunaroundtosteadyme.Hemovedhisgripfrom
myhandtomyhip.Ihadtotipmyheadwaybacktolookhimintheeyes.Iswearhegrewsixinchesina
monththatsummer.Whenhelookeddownatme,hesmiled,andmystomachflip-flopped.
“Inacouplemonths,you’llhaveyourdriver’slicense.Youcanleadthewaythen.”
My brow crinkled and I frowned. “So will you. And I won’t have a vehicle, either, which means
you’llhavetodrive.”
He let out a laugh and scratched his eyebrow with the side of his thumb. “I suppose you’re right,
darlin’.Ifyou’relucky,I’llletyoudriveoccasionally.”
“Youaren’tfunny.”Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.Iwasannoyed,butnotactuallyupset.Thiswas
oneofthosedifferencesbetweenusthatIhadlearnedtolivewith.Lawstillhadparents,andIdidn’t.Not
really.He’dgetacaronhisbirthday,whereas,I’dhavetosaveupforone.
And it was fine, for the most part. I wasn’t against being independent. Mostly I was happy for
everythingthatLawhad,asalotofthosethingsbenefitedmeaswell.IonlybecamebitterwhenIwanted
todosomethingforhimanddidn’thavethemeanstodoso.Atthosetimes,Ifeltinadequate.
“Yeah,wellyou’recute.”Hemovedhishandsfrommyhipstocupeithersideofmyheadjustabove
myears.Hetuggedmeoffbalance.Inearlyfell,andinanattempttosavemyself,Itwistedmyfistsinthe
shirtathiswaist.Lawbentdownandplantedakissinthecenterofmyforehead.“Now,quitwhining.We
havealotoftraillefttocover,andwearen’tgoingtodothatbystandingaround.”
Any response I could have had died in my throat. My skin tingled where his lips were in a way I
hoped it would never stop. Law grinned wider and hiked his backpack up on his shoulder before he
startedupthepathagain.
Ittookmeasecondtogetmyheadbackonstraightandchaseafterhim.
MyfavoritethingaboutexploringthewoodswithLawwasthatwedidn’thavetofillthesilencewith
chatter. It felt natural to walk the trail and take in the outdoors quietly. Our steady breaths joined the
birdsongandthesoftrustleofthenearbyleaves.Itwaspeaceful.
We’dtradespotsonthetrail,andifIgottoofarahead,Lawwouldcatchupandtakemyhand.Ican’t
lieandsaythatwasn’tanincentivetogofaster.Itbecameagamethatmadethedistancepassquicker.The
sunwasnearlyoverheadwhenwereachedanopeninginthetrees.Icouldhearrushingwaternearby.
“Isthisit?Isthiswherewe’regoing?”Iaskedexcitedlyandletgoofhishandtogetahead.
“Hey,waitforme!”
Where the trees opened, the trail turned and went down an incline. It looked steep, but not
unmanageable,soIbegantheclimbdown.Thetrailwoundaroundapoolofwaterthatwassurroundedby
rocksindifferentshadesofbrownandgray.Ahugewaterfallpouredoverarockyledge,feedingthepool,
whichthenranoffdownahillinariver.Thecompletebackofthewaterfallwasexposedinawaywe
couldeasilywalk360degreesaroundit.
IwassobusytakinginthebeautyandpeacefulnessofitallthatIhadn’trealizedLawwasbehindme
untilhewhispered,“Doyoulikeit?”
Hiswordssenthisbreathagainstmyearlikeawarmbreeze,andIshivered.“It’sbeautiful.”
“Comeon.”Hetookmyhandandtuggedmearoundtheedgeofthepooltoclimbbehindthewaterfall.
“Becareful.Someoftherocksarewet.”
We navigated behind the fall, and it was even more breathtaking from the other side. Fingers of
sunlight filtered through the flowing water, throwing prisms against the rocky walls. I ran my fingers
againsttheroughsurface.EventhoughIwastouchingit,thisplacedidn’tfeelreal.
“Haveyoubeenherebefore?”
IturnedbacktoLawtoseehe’dlaidoutablanketfromhisbackpackandwaspullingcansofroot
beeroutwhenIspoke.
Heshookhishead.“Iaskedmydadforasuggestion.”Heliftedhisshoulderinashrug,andhischeeks
pinkedasifhewasembarrassed.
Ijoinedhimontheblanketthen,sittingcloseenoughthatIcouldtaphiscrossedkneewithmine.“It’s
amazing.I’msogladyoubroughtmehere.”
“It’snothing,really.Ithoughtyoumightbegettingtiredofthesametrailsandplacesweusuallygo.”
Itwasmyturntoshrug,andIpickedatmypoptab.“Imean,it’snotsomuchaboutwherewego,asit
isthatwe’retogether.Iguessifweranoutofthingstotalkaboutthenitwouldgetboring.”
Lawlookedatmefunny,butIdidn’tknowwhatitmeant.Isavedmyselffromansweringbytakinga
hugeswallowofmydrink.“Ilovewaterfalls,”Isighed,attemptingtofeellessawkwardabouthisfunny
look.“IfIcouldmoveanywhere,I’dwantawaterfallinmybackyard.”
“Metoo.Adoublewaterfall.”
Myeyesgotbig.“I’dwantasecondstorydeck.Abigonethatwrappedaroundtheentirebackofthe
housesoIcouldsitupthereonbig,pillowedloungechairsandwatchedtheriver.Andapergolawith
fairylightssowhennightcame,Icouldturnthemonandnotbeinthedark.”
“Whataboutabigwindowseatinsidethatwasactuallyabed,sowhenwintercameIdidn’thaveto
freezeoutonthedeck.Andwecouldlaythereandwatchthestarscomeout,”headded.
I moved to lie on my stomach, resting my chin in my hand, and I looked at him. “Oh, and for the
summer,wecouldhaveafirepitthatwasmadewithdriftwoodbenchesandfilledwithsandtofeellike
thebeach.”
Hemovedtomirrormyposition,stretchinghislongbodyontheblanket.“Ilikethatidea.Youknow
whatwouldbereallyfun?”heaskedexcitedly.“Apoolthatwasbothinthehouseandoutofit.Sowe
couldswimoutsideinthesunorinsideiftheweatherwasbad.Inthewinter,wecouldfillitwithsnow
andhaveasnowroom.”
“Brr!Howwouldwekeepitfrommeltingormakingtheinsidecold?”
“Um...” His eyes drifted away in thought. “Well, it wouldn’t be an actual room in the house, but it
wouldbeanenclosedspace,sortoflikeagarageminusthegaragedoor.”
“Goodidea.”Itookaswigofmydrink.“Ifthisweremydreamhouse,I’dneedalibrary.Ahugeone
filledwithbooksI’dneverreadbefore.Floortoceilingshelvesandoneofthosecoolslidingladdersthat
areinthemovies.It’dalsoneedtohaveasecondlevelreadingnookthatyoucanonlyreachwithaspiral
staircase.”
“Areadingnook?Isn’tanywhereareadingnook?Youcouldusethedeckchairsorthewindowseatas
areadingnook.”
Ipursedmylipsinthought.“Icould,butthiswouldbespecial.”
“Specialhow?”
“I’dfillitwithpillows.Differentshapesandsizesandcolors.It’dbeareaders’paradise.”
“You’re such a nerd,” he teased and dug through his backpack again. “What else would be in your
dreamhome?”
I thought about it, and knew exactly what I wanted to say next, but embarrassment stopped me. My
cheeksfeltwarminawaythathadnothingtodowiththesun.
LawstoppedsearchinghisbackpackwhenIdidn’timmediatelyrespondandcrinkledhisbrowatme.
“Whatisit?C’mon,tellme.”
“Pleasedon’tlaugh,butIalwayswantedasistersoIthinkit’dbecooltohaveagirl’sroomanda
boy’sroomwithbuilt-inbunkbedsthatIcouldfillwithmyownkidssomeday.”
Icouldn’treadthelookonhisface,andIquicklygaveuptrying.Whateverhethoughtaboutmyidea,
ittookhimalongtimetocomeupwithsomethingtosay.Iheardhimresumediggingthroughhisbag.“I
broughtlunch.Turkeyandcheese.”Hehandedmeabulkyballoftinfoil.
IbitmyliptokeepfromsmilingasItookitandunwrappedhishandiwork.“Thanks.”
Hetoreoffachunkofhisownsandwichandswallowed.“Ilikethatidea.It’dfeelalmostlikeayear-
roundsummercampforthem.Built-inbunkbedsitis.”
AsmilespreadacrossmyfacesoquicklythatIdroppedmychintomychestandaimeditatmyknees
tohidehowhappyhiswordsmademe.Somaybewewereteenagersandtalkingaboutafuturethatwould
neverhappen.ItstillmadestomachtingletohearhewantedthesamethingsIdid.
Lunch was consumed in a comfortable silence, and after, we laid beneath that waterfall and talked.
Oursophomoreyearwasuponus,whichmeantlearningtodriveandformaldances.Lawwasexcitedfor
football to begin, to continue his reign of the youngest starting varsity player in 73 years. High school
sports didn’t mean much to a lot of people, but in a small town, football was everything. If something
meantalottohim,itmeantalottome,too.Ihadn’tmissedasinglegamelastyearanddidn’tintendto
thisyeareither.
“Icouldfallasleep,”Isighed.Myeyeswereclosed,andthesunhadmovedsoitnowwarmedmy
face.
“Me,too.”
Irolledmyheadtothesideandtookinhispeacefulface.Helookedlikehewasalreadyasleepwith
hismessyhairfannedoverhisforeheadandhislongdarklashesrestingonhischeeks.
“You’restaring.”
“Iamnot.”Icouldn’tkeepthesmilefrommytone.
“Youare,too.Ugh,”hegroaned,suddenlysittingup.“Weshouldgetgoing.It’llbealonghikeback,
andIneedtobehomefordinner.
“I’mcoming,ononecondition.”
Lawwasshovingwrappersandemptycansinhisbackpackwhenhelookedupatme.“What’sthat?”
Somethingaboutthewaythelighthithisfacemademyheartbeatfaster.Whichmademeamendmy
statement.
“Ilied,twoconditions.One,wehavetocomebackasoftenaswecan.”
Hesquintedatme.“What’stheotherone?”
Ibitmylipandshiftedmygazeawayfromhis.Takingadeepbreath,Isatuponmykneesandlooked
himintheeye.“Youcan’tbringanyoneherebutme.”
Lawpusheduponhiskneesacrossfrommeandclosedthespacebetweenus.Hereachedformyhand
and toyed with my fingers, his gaze trained on where we touched. I let him have his silence, but every
secondthattickedpastratchetedupmynerves.
Then, he trailed his fingertips up my arm to my shoulder, and moved the wayward strands of hair
downmyback.Hemovedhishandintothehairatthebaseofmyneckandcuppedthebackofmyhead.
“Pleasedon’thatemeforthis.”
Hiswordsjammedmyheartintomythroat.Oh,no.
“H-hateyouforwhat?”
“Forthis.”
Lawheldmyheadsteadyandkissedme.Hehadn’tkissedmesincethefirsttime,andIhadalmost
forgottenwhatitwaslike.Asecondofhismouthonminewasallittooktoremember.
Mystomachpitchedlikeanoceanwaveandmyhandshookatmysides.Iwantedmoreofhim,soI
grippedthesidesofhisteeshirtandpulled.Hefellintome,andwebothwenttumblingbackdowntothe
blanketonoursides.Oneofhishandsstayedbeneathmyheadwhiletheotherrestedonmywaist.
Whenhepulledback,hiseyesweresoftandwarm.Hedroppedhiseyesbacktomymouthandwent
inforanotherkiss.“Wehavetogo,”hewhispered,andrestedhisforeheadagainstmine.“Ireallydon’t
wantto,butwehaveto.”
AllIcoulddowasnod.“Okay.”
Lawpackeduptheblanket,tookmyhand,andledmeaway.Ilookedbackovermyshoulderforone
lastglimpseoftheplacethatbroughtmesomuchhopeandhappiness,notknowingitwouldbetheonly
timeIeversawit.
Notknowinghewouldbreakmyfirstcondition.Weneverwentbacktothatplace.AndIneverhad
confirmation,butasfarasIknew,hebrokethesecond.
5.
WhileEvelynspentthenextfewdayshomefromschoolwiththeflu,Ispentalotoftimeoutside.Itwas
myshortweekatwork,andIhadalotofdowntime.Ilovedmydaughterbutthatdidn’tmeanIlovedher
germs, and there was only so much cleaning I could do inside before I felt like I was doing the same
thingswithlittleresult.HerbeddingwasinthewashandIsanitizedeverythingshetouched.Untilshewas
betterthatwasthemostIintendedtodo.
Afteropeningsomewindows,whichhadtheniceeffectofhelpingEvelynbreatheeasierthroughthe
congestion,Igotoutthepowerwasherandcleanedtheonesstillclosedfromtheoutside.Iwaswheeling
thepowerwasherbacktothegaragetoputitawaywhenmyphonerang.
“Heygirl.What’sup?”
“Idon’tknow,whydon’tyoutellme?”Kierstenshotback.“Youdropthismega-bombaboutthehottie
whoissupposedlyyourlong-lost-loveandthenpoof!Ineverhearabouthimagain.”
“Wedon’tneedtodiscussthis.”
Thisconversationrequiredfreshair,soIswitchedthephonetomybluetoothandgrabbedmyrake.
Mightaswellgetsomeworkdonewhileshegavemetwentymorequestions.
“Ithinkwedo.I’veknownyouforwhatfeelslikealifetimeandI’monlynowstartingtorealizethat
youareanemotionhoarder.”
Mystepsfaltered.“Awhat?”
“Youhoardyouremotions!”shecried,thenkeptrightongoing.“Idon’tknowhowyoudoit.Itellyou
everything.And,ifforsomereasonIcan’tgettoyouforawhile,IfeellikeI’mdyinginside.”Shesighed.
“Areyouokay?”
Itstartedasagiggle,andthenanuncontrollablelaughburstfrommymouth.BeforeIknewit,Iwas
clutchingthehandleoftherakeforbalance.
“Uh, Cami? Are you having an emotional breakdown right now? Because I have things to do, and I
can’tcomehelpyouuntillater.”
“You.Are.Insane,”Iwheezed.Tearstrickleddownmycheeks,stinginglikelittlepathsoficeinthe
fallbreeze.Iswipedthemawaywiththebackofmyworkglove.“No,I’mnotokay,”IsaidsoberlyasI
regainedcontrolofmyself.
“Oh,shit.I’llbeoverlaterwithbourbon.”
“No,no,no.Idon’tneedthat.It’sjust,Ineedyoutounderstandthis.”Irakedtheleavesclosesttome
in a heap while I gathered my thoughts. It felt nice. Working outside and discussing my problems at the
sametime.MaybeIneededtodothismoreoften.
“I’veseenLawtwicesinceyoumethimlastmonth,andneithertimeendedwell.I’mnowmoreready
thanevertoputhimbehindme.Ineedtoshovehiminabox,lockit,andthrowawaythekey.”
“Areyoucrazy?”shestarted,butIkeptongoing.
“I need you to hear me. Not just hear me but to actually listen. I can’t keep doing this to myself.
There’stoomuchbitternessandresentmentbetweenus.Iknowyouwanttoplaycupidmatchmakerand
givemebacktheonethingIregretmostinmylife,butit’snotgoingtohappen.Okay?Please,you’remy
bestfriend,andIneedyoutodropit.”
“IhaveonemorequestionandthenIpromiseI’lldropit.”
Ileanedagainstmyrakeandsighed.“What?”
“Areyousure?”shesaidsoftly,andmychesttightened.God,Ilovedthisgirl.Idon’tknowwhatmy
lifewouldhavelookedlikehereifIhadn’tfoundher.
Tearsstungmyeyes.Istartedrakingagaintoreleasesometension.“Yes.There’snootheroption.”
“Onemorething.Thisisn’taquestion,butitisarequirement.”
Rollingmyeyesfeltgood,evenifshecouldn’tseeme.“Yes?”
“Youhavetogoonadate.Arealdate,notsometindercrash-and-burntypedate.I’mtakingyououtto
thebar,andyou’regoingtomeetaman.”
Isnorted.“I’mnotsureI’mgoingtomeetanyonewithpotentialatthebar.”
“Theydon’thavetohavepotential.Youjustneedtobeopentomeetingsomeone.Afterthat,youcan
graduatetorealdateswhereyouworryaboutpotentialandshit.”
“Basically,youwantmetogetlaid.AmIreadingyou,right?”
“Yes,youarehearingmeloudandclear.”
“Great.That’ssettled.Now,canIgofinishrakingmyyardordoyouhavemorequestions?”
Shehummedteasingly.“Nah,I’mgood.Yougetbacktoadulting.”
“Aren’tyouatwork?”Iscoopedthelastoftheleavesintothepilethatnowstoodaboutkneehigh.I
onlyhadoneleafytreeinmyfrontyard,andrightnow,Iwasgratefulitwasn’tbigger.Istillhadtochange
outthescreensonthewindowsandcleanoutthegutters.
“Nope.Markbroughtinanewtraineeandgavemethechoiceofaslowdayoradayoff.”
“Lucky,”Igrumbled.
“Saysthewomanwhoonlyworkssevendaysapayperiod.”
“Saysthewomanwhoworkstwelvehourshifts.”WhileItalked,Ibroughttherakebacktothegarage
andswappeditoutforadisposablegreenyardwastebag.“Well,goenjoyyourdayoff.”
“Thanks,babe.Later.”
“Bye.”
Beforelong,theleaveswerepackedupandwaitingbythecurbforpickup,andIwasputtingmydirty
workglovesbackinthegarage.Somethingaboutthelatefallaircalledtome,andIdecidedtherestofthe
workcouldwaituntiltomorrow.Icouldn’texplainit,butitfeltliketheperfectdaytogetinoneofmy
lastrunsoftheyearthroughArrowCreekPark.
***
ThebestpartofArrowCreekwastheoldswingingbridgethatspannedacrosstheriver.Thebottomwas
oldwoodenplanksthatfeltricketywhenwalkingoverit.Thebridgedidn’tswinganymore,butitusedto
whenitwasfirstbuiltinthe1950’s.Theareafloodedduringatorrentialrainstormtwentyyearslaterand
theoriginalbridgewaswashedaway.Itwasrebuiltintothebridgethatstandstoday,butthenamestuck.
Evelyn and I liked to take walks down here starting when she was just a toddler. She’d gather a
handfulofrocksfromtheriver’sedgeandcarrythemuptothebridgesoshecouldthrowthemoff.The
soundofhergiggleswouldfilltheair,andevenatatimeinmylifewhereIfeltnothingwasstable,she
mademefeellikewewereexactlywhereweweresupposedtobe.
IslowedtoajogasInearedtheentrancetothebridgeandwalkedtothemiddleofit,takingitallin.I
tracedtheweatheredwoodgrainsoftherailingwithmyfingerabsentlyasmymindtookoff.
Thecloudy,pale-grayskymadetheriverappearnearlyblackbelow.Thetallbrittlegrassswayingin
thefaintbreeze.Therushingwater.Thenow-baretreesandthegoldandorangeleavescoatingtheground
belowthem.
Alotoftownsacrossthecountryexperiencethefullseasonoffall.However,I’dputmoneyonthis
beingtheprettiestone.
Itwasn’ttheplacewhereIgrewup.YearspassedbeforeI’dbeencomfortableenoughtocallArrow
Creekhome,butthat’sexactlywhatitwasnow.ThistownwasmoreofahomethanLogansvillehadever
been.TheonlythingsthattiedmetothatplacewereRitchieandLaw,andIbroughtmybrotherwithmeas
soon as I could. Law was a lost cause, one I’d be better off leaving back in Logansville where he
belonged.
UnlikeRitchie,myparentswereburiedinourhometown.Itsuckedtohavetheirfinalrestingplaceso
faraway.Atthesametime,I’dlearnedtomoveon.I’dlivedwithoutthembothmoreyearsthanIlived
withthemalive.TherealityofitwasIhadn’thadparentssinceIwaselevenandthatcaraccidentstole
theirlivesaway.MyheartheldthememoriesIneededtogetbyandthatwasenoughforme.Really,it
wasallIknew.
After stretching my quads, I walked back towards the trail in the direction I came. I needed to get
homeintimetomakedinner.Evelynwasusuallyindependent,butshestillwasn’tfeelingwell.Withthe
crazyhoursmyjobdemanded,Imadeitapointtohavefamilydinnersasoftenaswecould.
I stepped around a big pine tree, the dense lower branches hovering over the side of the trail, and
directlyintothepathofanoncomingcyclist.
“Lookout!”heshoutedandswervedaroundme.
AdrenalinerushedthroughmysystemandIleaptbackoutofhisway.Myrightfootlandedonalarge
rockandslippedoverthesmooth,roundedside,andgotcaughtinthegrass.MyanklerolledandIwent
withit,skiddingdowntheembankment.Thehillwasn’tsteep,butitwasangled,andmygoodlegwasn’t
enough friction to stop myself. I tore my palms up, scrabbling for purchase, anything to stop me from
rollingallthewaytothebottom.
Something sharp scraped up my back. The skin flamed hot and painful beneath my shirt. I gave up
tryingtostopandcoveredmyfacewithmyarms.Secondslater,Iskiddedtoahaltonthepebblededgeof
theriver.
“Ow.Shit.Shit,shit,shit.”MyfacecontortedinpainwhileItriedtokeepfromscreamingout.Panic
wasthere,mixedwiththeadrenaline.Ihadtostaycalm.Nobodycanthinkrationallywhilefreakingthe
hellout,andIwasdangerouslyclosetothat.Imightbeusedtoemergencysituations,butthat’swhenthey
don’tinvolveme.
Deepbreathin.Deepbreathout.
“Hello?”Icalledout,hopingtheguywhoranmeoffthetrailstuckaroundtomakesureIwasokay.
Theonlysoundsweretherushingwaterbesidemeandtherustlingofleaves.“Isanyoneupthere?Can
youhearme?”
Iwaited.
Andwaited.
“Hello?”Itriedagain.
Nothing.
“Asshole,”Imuttered,eventhoughIfeltlikeshoutingit.
The first thing I checked were my palms. The skin was angry red with several lacerations. They
weren’tbleedingmuch,buttheyweretorntoshreds.Thatsuckedalot.Icarefullybrushedoffsomeofthe
dirtandrocks,butitwasn’tmuchuse.Debriswasembeddedinthecuts.
Icheckedthesideofmyrightlegnext.Withmytorn-uphands,Irolledmypantsasfarasthey’dgo,
justbelowtheknee.Theskinlookedlikethatofmypalms,butthereweren’tanycuts.Iwasthankfulfor
that.
IgritmyteethtogetherandpushedmyselfintoabetterseatedpositionsoIcouldexaminemyankle.
Mypalmsstungfromthepressure.Icouldtell,withoutlooking,thatitwasswollen,butIdidn’tknowifit
was broken and I needed to see how bad it was. I tried flexing. I couldn’t even do that without pain
searingthroughmyankle.Shit.
Ilookedbackupthehill.“Help!Someonehelpme!”Myheartsunkatthesilence,andmymindraced
throughmyoptions.
IfIcalledKiersten,she’dsendarig.Andevenifshedidn’t,herskinnyasswouldn’tbeabletohelp
meupthishill.Anambulancewastheabsolutelastresort.Ididn’tneedanyofmycoworkersseeingme
likethis.
AndnowayinhellwasIgoingtocallLaw.
If I crawled to the top, I could wait on the trail for someone to come by. My chances of getting
someonetonoticemedownherewerealotsmaller.
Iusedmyforearm,insteadofmywrist,toturnfromsittingtomyhandsandknees.Well,forearmsand
knee.Ikeptmyrightfootrestingawkwardlyonthegroundtokeepthepressureoffit.AsItwisted,my
shirtmovedwithmeandpulledpainfullyfrommyback.Awarmtricklerandownmyspine.
Ugh,justgreat.
Tearsstungmyeyes,butIkeptgoing.MyleftfootunsteadilysupportedmeandslowlyIroseintoa
halfcrouch.Ihoppedoncetowardsthehillandletoutaquietcryofpain.Myfacecrumbled.Eventhe
slightjerkingmotioncausedmyankletothrob.
“Shit!”
Acceptingmyreality,Iloweredmyselfbacktothegroundanddugmyphonefrommyjacketpocket.I
unlockedit,butmythumbhoveredoverthekeypad.
There’sonlyoneotherpersonleft.ItappedmycontactsandscrolledtothenameIwaslookingfor.
“Hey,everythingokay?”
“ThelastthingIeverwanttodoisbotheryouonadayoff,butI’vesortofgotmyselfintoajam.”
Hisvoiceturnedfromcurioustoconcerned.“Whatkindofjam?”
“Thekindwherehavingaparamedicasyourworkpartnerisagoodthing.”
TherewasshufflingthroughthelineasIassumedNathanstartedtomove.“Whereareyou,andwho’s
hurt?I’mgettinginmytrucknow.”
Isighed.“It’smeandI’matArrowCreekPark.BytheSwingingBridge.Itwistedmyankleandcan’t
makethewalkback.”Understatementofthecentury.
Nathanlaughed,thesoundcarryingasmallamountofrelief.“WhyamInotsurprised?Youtripover
air,Cam.HowyoumanagetostartanIVinthebackofamovingambulancewithyourcoordination,I’ll
neverknow.”
“No,youwon’t.It’sasecret.”Ijoked,tryingtotakemymindoffthepain.Knowingthathelpisonthe
way,Istartedtorelax.
“Hangtight.I’llbethereinfive.”
“Tackanothertenonthereforyoutomakethetrektothebridge.”Painshotthroughmyfootattheend
ofthesentence,andmyvoicerosehigherfromthepain.
“Hey,talktome.What’sgoingon?”
I sucked in air through my nose and gripped my lower calf with both hands, holding the phone
betweenmyearandshoulder.“I’mokay.Itjust—justhurry,please.”
Hisvoicelowered.“Almostthere.”
We stayed on the line, but neither of us spoke. I imagined he was focused on driving, while I was
focusedonnotcrying.Thesoundofanengineapproachingmademelookup.“Isthatyou?”
“Iseethebridge.Whereareyou,Cam?”
“Youdroveintothepark?Hopeyoudon’tgetafineonmybehalf.”
“Cami,” he barked. It appeared Mr. Calm and Collected lost his restraint when I got injured, too. I
wasn’tsurehowtofeelaboutthat.“Wherethehellareyou?”
“I’mdownthe,uh,hill.Bytheriver.”Iswallowedhardandclosedmyeyes.Openingthembackup,I
lookedtowardthetopwhenIheardhistruckdoorslam.
Suddenly,hewasthere.Onehandgrippedhishipwhiletheotherheldhisphonetohisear.Hedidn’t
sayanythingwhenhespottedme,butIheardhisharshexhalethroughthephone.
Thelinewentdead,andhewalkedaway.Iassumedbacktohistruck.Iwouldhaveworriedthathe
left,butheneverturnedthetruckbackon.Aminutelater,hewasjoggingdownthehilltowardsmewitha
medicalbaginhishand.
Nathanreachedmeinrecordtimeandkneltbymyfeet.Hestartedpullingsuppliesfromhisbagashe
spoke.“Couldn’tmakethewalkback,huh?Didyouforgettomentiontheclimb?”Hisblueeyesflashed
quicklytominebeforehewentbacktowork.
Ishrugged.“Ifiguredyou’drealizewhenyougothere.Ow!”
HestartedtopeelthetopofmysockbackwhenIreactedtohistouch.“Damn,that’spurplealready.
I’mgoingtojuststabilizeyouandgetyouintothetruck.”
Inodded,keepingmyeyestrainedonhisfacewhileheworked.Ididn’twanttoseethedamageyet.
Hemovedquickly,puttingmyfootintoasplint.Eventhoughitwastight,thestabilityalmostmademy
footfeelbetter.“Letmeseewhatelseyouhavegoingon.”
Itriedbrushinghishandsaway.“I’mfine.Takemehome,Icangettherest.”
“Idon’tthinkso.I’mtakingyoutotheemergencyroom.”
“No, you’re not.” My voice was firm, but I could tell he wasn’t listening. He was preparing a wet
gauzeandstarteddabbingoneofmypalms.
“Iam.Ifyoudon’tlikeit,I’llcallintodispatchtosendyouanambulance.”
“I’llrefusetreatment.”
“ThenI’lltellthemyouhityourheadandaren’tmakingrationaldecisions.”
“Theywouldn’tlistentoyou.”
Nathanliftedhiseyesfrommypalmtomeetmyannoyedgaze.Hisvoiceloweredandsoftened.“I’ve
beenyourpartnerfornearlyadecade.You’rethestrongestwomanIknow.I’vewatchedyoustandupto
menthreetimesyoursize.You’vealwayshadmybackatworkandthroughlosingJanessa.Forthefirst
timesinceImetyou,willyouletmehaveyours?”
TherewassomethingunreadabletherethatIwouldhavelikedmoretimetofigureout.Wedidn’thave
time,though.Iwasbeingstubbornandhewasright.IfIhadmyway,Iwould’vehadhimtakemehome.
Oncethere,I’dlimparoundandgritmyteethuntilIcouldn’ttakethepainanymore.Kierstenwouldhave
totakemeintothedoctor,andI’dfeellikeajerkforwastinghertime.
AcceptinghelpwashardwhenIwasusedtotakingcareofmyselfforsolong.
“Okay.” Nathan looked relived at my answer and started cleaning a cut on my temple. “Just so you
know,though,ifIweren’tfreezingandmyfootwasn’tthrobbing,Iwouldhavekeptarguingwithyou.”
He swore under his breath. I was confused by his reaction until he sat back on his heels and began
removinghisjacket.
“Oh,no,Nathan.Iwasn’tsayingIneededthat.”
Itappearedhewasdonearguing,too.Assoonashepulledhisfleecejacketoff,hewrappeditaround
myshoulders.“Putyourarmsin.”
Istudiedhimamomentbeforedoingashesaid.Myfootwasreallyhurtingnow,andanythingIsaid
wouldstallusgettingoutofhere.Oncemyarmswerein,hezippedituptomychin.
I’dworkedwithNathanalongtime,butthiswasthefirsttimeI’dbeensurroundedbythesmellof
him.Itwaswoodsywithahintofsmoke.Iburiedmycoldnoseinthefabricnearmychin.AtleastIwas
nolongercold.
Oncethesupplieswerepackedaway,Nathanhoistedhisbagontohisshoulderandapproachedme.I
thoughthewasgoingtohelpmelimpupthehill,butoneminuteIwasontherockygroundandthenextI
wasinhisarms.
“Hey!”Icriedout.Thefabricpeeledawayfromthecutonmyback,sendingahotpainupmyspine.
“Shush,”heteased.
“Imeantow,”Iwhimperedandstuckmyfaceinhischesttohidethefreshtears.
“Shit,Cam,whathurts?”
Myanswerwasmuffledbyhisshirt.“Myback.”
His response came slower. If I had to guess, he had to hide his annoyance that I didn’t mention it
sooner.“Allright,hangon,darlin’.Thisiseasiest.”
“Right.” I swallowed hard. I wrapped one arm around his shoulders and held on. “I bet this is a
cakewalk.”
He adjusted his grip as we neared the top. Hopefully, to put me down. “It would be if you quit
complaining.”
Myjawdroppedopentoapologize,butwhenIcutaglancehisway,Isawasmirkplayingonhislips.
Hemadeitupthehillandgotmeinthetruck,allwithoutsettingmeonmyfeet.Imanagedtokeepmy
mouthshutsowecouldgetonourwaybeforethesunset.
Wedidn’ttalkmuchontheten-minutedrivetotheE.R.IcalledEvelyntoexplainwhathappenedand
thatIwouldbelate.Shetoldmeshewasfineandthattherewasleftoversoupfordinner,whichmademe
secretlythankfulLawboughtsomuch—somethingIthoughtI’dneverbe.
When Nathan pulled the truck up outside the drop off zone, I was relieved when he went to grab a
wheelchairinsteadofcarryingmeinside.Unlikeoutonthetrail,webothknewpeopleherethroughour
workandifhecarriedmein...well,that’showrumorsstarted.Rumorsthatwouldbeveryuncomfortable
todismiss.
Nathanhittheautomaticdoorbuttonandpushedmeinside.
“Ohmy,dearLordinHeaven!WhatinGod’snamehappenedtoyou,sweetheart?Nathan,pushherin
hereandgetoutofthecold.”
Twentypairsofeyesinthelobbyswunginourdirection.Withanentrancelikethat,whywouldn’tthe
lobbybestuffedfull?ArrowCreekmightbeasmalltown,butthishospitalservicedtheentirecounty,and
itlookedtobebusytonight.Great.
“Hey,Janet.Ihadabitofaspill.”
Nathansnortedbutsaidnothing.Hepushedmetowardscheck-inandpositionedthewheelchairatan
angle.Icouldseeeveryoneinthelobby,thethreeladiesatregistration(allofwhichIknew),andNathan,
whoseemedtobestudiouslyavoidingmygaze.
“Aspill?Honey,youlooklikeyougotintoacarwreck.”JanetmovedhergazefrommetoNathan.
“A little more than a spill. She tumbled down by the Swinging Bridge. When they x-ray her ankle,
makesuretheydoublecheckshedoesn’thavetwoleftfeet,willya?”
Isenthimaglare.“Foryourinformation,Ididn’tdothisallonmyown.Ifthatcyclisthadn’trunme
offthepath,Iwouldn’thavetrippedovertherockthatsentmedownthehill.”
Theybothturnedtostareatme.AmuscletickedinNathan’sjaw.“Whatdoyoumeanacyclistranyou
offthepath?Youdidn’tsayanythingaboutthat.”
“Bythetimeyougotthere,IguessIforgot.”
Nathanlookedoutthewindowsacrossfromreceptionandignoredme.
“Isitalongwait?Evelyn’shomealone,andshe’sbeensickallweek.”
Janet leaned over the desk and lowered her voice. “Getting a room ready for you right now. We’ll
sneakyoubackinjustasecond.”
“Thankyou,”Iwhisperedback.
“All right. You two can have a seat until the nurse comes to get you. Hope your daughter is feeling
bettersoon.Giveherahugfromme.”
“Willdo.”IgaveashortwaveasNathanwheeledmeaway.
He parked me down on the far end, away from everyone else, and sat in the seat beside the
wheelchair.Thewayhepositionedusmademefeelweirdlyprotected;asifanythingthatwouldcometo
harmmewouldhavetogothroughNathanfirst.Iwasalittleunsettledathisstrangebehavior.
A few minutes later, the nurse called my name. She was a familiar blonde woman, but I couldn’t
rememberhername.Shestoodintheentrancetothetriagearea,holdingthedoorproppedopenwithher
hand,butmadenomovetohelpwheelmein.NathanstoodupandIsighed,tootiredtoputupafight.I
wantedtogetin,getout,andgethome.
The triage area was a bay of eight beds, each sectioned off with a wall on three of the sides and a
flimsycurtaininthefront.Itwastoobright,smelledtoomuchlikethatwaterlessantibacterialhandsoap,
and I could feel a headache coming on because of it. The nurse led us to the only open room, Triage
Three,andclosedthecurtainbehindus.
“Climb up on the bed there, and I’ll get some vitals. My name is Annie, by the way.” She started
clickingaroundonhercomputer.
Usingthearmsofthewheelchair,Istoodonmyleftleg.Igotonegoodhoptowardsthebedbefore
Nathan’shandclampedaroundmyupperarm.
“Letmehelpyou.”Hisvoicewaslowandnearmyear.
Ignoringatinglethatmayormaynothavehappenedfromhisvoiceandproximity,Ilethimhelpme
maneuvertothebed.HehadmyfootproppeduponapillowbythetimeAnnieturnedbackaround.
“Nice splint you got there. Did you do that yourself?” She clamped a pulse oximeter on my index
fingerandwoundacuffaroundmybiceptotakemybloodpressure.
“Hedid,”Ianswered,wavingmyhandinagesturetoNathan.“We’rebothparamedics.IthoughtI’d
savemyselfthemoneyonanambulancerideandcalledhiminstead.”
Sheunwoundthestethoscopefromherneckandseparatedtheearpieces.“Hownice.”Hersmilewas
wideandforced.
Ididn’tletherdemeanorgettome.I’dbetired,too,withafulltriagebayandwaitingarea.Shewas
inforalongnight,bythelookofthings.Ihopedthatdidn’tmeanIwouldbestuckthere,too.
She made record of my vitals in the computer, then clicked off. “I’m going to let the doctor know
you’reready.She’llbeinassoonaspossible.”Thewayshespokemadeitsoundlikeitwouldn’tbesoon
atall.Shewasout,withthecurtainclosedbehindher,beforeIcouldofferathankyou.
Thesilenceinthetinyroomstretchedbetweenus,butthenoisesfromthetriagebaywereloudand
clear.Nearbyachildwasscreaming,thesoundhighandterrified,whileafranticparenttriedtoshushhim
orherwiththepromiseoficecreamlater.Someoneelsewascoughinginawaythatmademewantto
avoid them, and whatever germs they had, at all costs. A cart squeaked by, probably carrying some
medical equipment or supplies to run tests on some poor soul. I could see the wheels of the cart, and
shoesofthepersonpushingit,beneaththebottomofthecurtain.
“Youdon’thavetowaitinherewithme.”
“Youshouldgooutwithme.”
Myphonedingedwithatext.
Allthreehappenedsimultaneously.
In my brain, they ran together like a car crash and became a mass of jumbled words and sounds. I
thinkmyjawhungopen,butIwasn’tsure.MyeyesswungbrieflytoNathanbeforeIdroppedthemtomy
lap and searched my pocket for my phone. Option one: use the text as a distraction from Nathan’s
question.
Law:Whereareyou?
Iturnedmyphoneonsilentandjammeditrightbackintomypocketwhereitbelonged.Notdealing
withthatrightnow.
Sinceoptiononefailed,Imovedontooptiontwo.Unfortunately,itwasn’tthe‘run-screaming-from-
the-room’ option (that would be option three). It was the ‘let-him-down-gently-and-salvage-the-work-
relationship’one.
That said, I still had a hard time looking at him. He, however, had no problem making me. Nathan
rounded the hospital bed to stand directly in front of me. His large, built body blocked the exit so
effectively, I couldn’t even focus on the sounds outside anymore. My ears buzzed in the silence.
Everything in that direction was totally obscured by him. The fact that he commanded my attention so
easilymessedwithmyhead.
“Janessa’sbeengoneawhilenow,Cami,andIdidn’tdiealongwithher.”Hesaiditgently,morefor
mybenefitthanhisown.Thewayhespokeforcedmetomeethissteadybluegaze.Itseemedinsultingnot
to.
“We’veknowneachotheralongtime.WhatI’veseeninthatamountoftime,Ilike.Alot.Letmetake
yououtafterthis.”
“It’stoolatetonight.Andmyfoot...”Iletthelameexcusehangfrommylips.Itlingeredintheairlike
abadsmell.OneNathanbrushedawaywithoutathoughtandmovedincloser.Historsoloomedoverthe
end of the bed, and his face neared mine. I could see the striations of navy blue through his irises, and
whenheblinked,thelongblacklashestouchedhischeeks.
“Ididn’tmeantonight.AmIsobadyoucan’timaginegoingouttodinnerwithme?Iknowthisisn’t
themostromanticplacetoaskyouthis,butit’snotthefirsttimeI’vethoughtaboutaskingyouout.I’ve
been attracted to you for a long time.” He cupped my face with this strong hand, the fingertips barely
wrappingaroundthebackofmyskull,andhisthumbstrokedmycheek.“Thetimingneverfeltright.”
WhywasIdoingthis?Nathanwasattractivebyeverydefinitionoftheword.HewastheonlymanI’d
letintomylifeinapersonalcapacitysinceI’dmovedtoArrowCreek.Hewaskindandselfless,shown
not only by his reactions today, but how he conducted himself every day on the job. He had a sense of
humor,agorgeoussmile,andIlearnedhesmelledgood,too.Asiftopunctuatethatpoint,Ileanedintohis
hand.ThemovebroughtmynoseclosertohisfleecejacketIwaswearing.Thescenthadfadedsome,but
itwasstillthere—woodsyandwarm.
“Nathan,Idon’tknowwhattosay.”
Histhumbslidfrommycheektomychinandappliedpressure,tiltingmyheadback.Hiseyeswarmed
astheyscannedmyface,andinaroughvoicehemurmured,“MaybeIcanchangeyourmind.”Hetouched
hismouthtomine.
Thiswasn’thisfirstrodeo.Hisfingersstrokedthroughmyhairashismouthworkedcoaxinglyagainst
mine.Hislipsmovedtotakemybottomlipbetweenhisteeth,givingagentletug.Notenoughtohurt,but
thesoftnibblesentatinglerushingbetweenmythighs.Imoaned,andthatwasallheneededtodiphis
tongueintomymouth.
Ididn’tknowwhatwashappening.I’donlybeenkissedbytwootherpeopleinmylife.OneInever
thought about, and the other, I wished I could forget. But in that moment, both of those memories were
obliteratedfrommymindwiththesoft,warmpressofNathan’slips.
Andthatsentmeintoafrenzy.
My palms connected with his hard chest, and I slid them up to wrap around his neck. I’d never
touchedNathansointimately.We’dbrushedarmsorbumpedfistswhileworking,andIhuggedhimafter
hiswifehaddied.NeverhadIwrappedmyarmsaroundhimbecauseIwantedtofeelclose.ButIsortof
wantedthatnow.
Aknockrangoutagainstthewall,andthecurtainwaswhippedbackwithaflourish.“Cami!Whatthe
hellhapp–ˮ
IpushedNathanbackandswipedatmylips.He,ontheotherhand,leanedbackandtuckedhishands
intohispocketsasifweweren’tjustdemonstratingadifferentformofmouth-to-mouth.
“Hey,Luce.Busynight?”Nathanspoke.ThiswasamomentIappreciatedhimtakingcontrol,because
Iwasstillstrugglingtofindmyvoice.
Andanythingotherthanmyvagina,whichseemedtobehoggingmyheartbeat.
“Nathan.” Luce, formally Dr. Lucy Anderson, looked at the two of us quizzically. “Are you two
together?”
“No.”Thewordflewfrommymouth.Iglancedatthetwoofthembeforelookingbacktomylap.My
face burned with embarrassment. Nathan’s mouth tightened in disappointment, and Luce raised her
eyebrows.
“Okay,then.Notmybusiness.I’mgoingtoexamineyourfootandpossiblysendyoudownforanx-
ray.Let’sseewhatitlookslikefirst.”
Shewashedherhands,andstartedtoremovethesplintNathanputonearlier.Themovementwasn’t
toobad,untilshereachedformyshoe.Asthetightpressurecameoff,thepaininmyfootroaredtolife.
Thedullthrobturnedintoasharpacherightaroundtheanklebone.
IleanedbackintothepillowasLucecutmysockoff.Myankledoubledinsize.Theskinwasalready
a deep purple and navy blue color, and would probably continue spreading. It would look worse
tomorrow.
Luceproddedaround,Iknewshewastryingtobegentle.Igrittedmyteeth,butthatdidn’tstopasoft
whimperfromescaping.WarmthcoveredmyhandasNathanpickeditupfromwhereitwasclenchedon
thebedandbeganrubbingsoothingcirclesatthebaseofmypalm.
“Relax,breatheslow,”hemurmured.Iclosedmyeyesandfocusedonthefeelofhisthumbtracingthe
linesnearmywrist.
“Idefinitelywantanx-ray,tobeonthesafeside.Whatelsedoyouhavegoingon?Iseesomescrapes
onyourface,superficial.Letmeseeyourhands.”
I tugged my hand back from Nathan and held them out to her. She barely needed to glance at them.
Superficialaswell.Shelookedtome,questioningly.
“Herback,”Nathanputin.“Ididn’tgetachancetocheckitbeforewegothere.Sheforgottomention
it.”
Lucelookedtohimandthenbacktome,archingabrow.“Well,rolloverthen.Let’sseeit.”
I took the easy route and rolled onto my left hip, slipping one hand beneath the pillow to give me
somethingtoholdontoforthepain.“Theshirtissticking...”Itrailedoffanxiouslyandclosedmyeyes.I
feltNathanmovetostandbesideLuce.
Cool air hit my back as she began lifting my shirt. It tugged against my cut, and she paused to grab
somesalinetowetthematerial.Thesolutionitselfdidn’thurt,butgettingthecutwetmadeitburn.Halfa
minutelater,sheliftedtheshirtup.Lucewassilent.Nathanwasnot.
“Christ,Cami.Youshouldhavesaidsomething.”
“Imean,Idid,eventually,”Igroundout.Ihadtostopspeaking.Forsomereason,theroombeganto
spin.Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtoignorethesensationofherdiggingaroundandcleaningmywound.
“You won’t need stitches, but it’s going to take a while to heal. Not too deep, but it’s long.” She
covered it with a gauze bandage. “When’s your next shift?” She asked as she washed her hands, then
loggedbackintothecomputertoputintheorders.
“Tomorrowstartsafive-shiftrotation.”Irolledtomyback.
She turned to me with a grimace. “There’s no way. I’m sorry. Hopefully you have some sick time
savedup.We’llseewhatthex-raysays,andI’llwritealetterforyoutogivetoH.R.Thetechshouldbe
hereinaminutetotakeyoutoradiology.”
“Thanks, Luce.” I muttered while mentally calculating how much sick leave I had banked and how
longitwouldlast.TheonlytimeItooktimeoffwastocareofEvelyn,andshegotsicklessasshegrew
up.Evenwhenshehadhertonsilsoutatageeleven,Ischeduleditfortheoffweekofmyscheduleand
didn’t miss a day of work. I should have at least two weeks of paid time, if not more. I hoped. The
emergencyfundinthebankwouldcomeinhandy,butitwouldtakemealongtimetoreplenish.
Igroanedandrubbedmytemples,aheadachestilllingeringontheedge.
“Hey,youokay?”
“Yeah.”Iexhaledandtippedmyheadbackonthepillow.“Thetimingjustsucks.”
Nathan’sfrownedandhiseyesturnedsympathetic.“Ifyouneedanything,youletmeknow.I’monlya
phonecallaway.”
A knock on the wall rang out before I could respond. “I’m here to take you to x-ray.” A young man
announcedandjerkedthecurtainback.
“IguessI’llbeback,”Isaidawkwardly.WhatelsecouldIsay?Themomenttorespondhadpassed,
andhowwasIsupposedtotellhimIprobablywouldn’tcall?
Nathan and the young man helped me into the wheelchair, and I was whisked to x-ray. Luce met us
there to speed my visit up, which I was grateful for. The scans didn’t show a break. She had my ankle
wrapped,dischargeinstructionsinhand,andoncrutchesinrecordtime.Thex-raytechnicianwheeledme
backuptoNathan,andhetookoverhelpingmetothetruck.
WewereclosetohomewhenNathanturneddowntheradio.Hestaredstraightoutthewindshieldas
ifhewerealone.“Ifyougivemeyourkey,Icanhaveyourcarbroughttoyourhousetomorrow.”
Mychesttightenedwithguilt.Throughit,Iforcedmyselftolookhisway.“Youdon’thavetodothat.I
cantakecareofit.”
Heglancedatmethenturnedhiseyesbacktotheroad.“Considerme...please.Idon’twanttocome
offasdesperate,butImightnotbeabovebegging.Thatkiss–ˮ
“Shouldn’thavehappened.”Icuthimoffandfinishedwithmyownthought.Ididn’twanttohearwhat
hehadtosay.Ididn’twanttohearhimtellmehowitmadehispulseraceandhisstomachclench.AndI
definitely didn’t need to hear him tell me he wanted to kiss me again. And that Luce’s interruption
couldn’thavebeenworsetimed.Ifhedid...ifIlethimvoicethethingsIfelt,Imightnothavebeenstrong
enoughtoturnhimdownagain.
Nathan’s fingers tightened reflexively on the steering wheel. “I don’t think you believe that,” he
murmuredgently.“Istheresomeoneelse?Youhaven’tmentionedanyone.”
“There’snobodyelse.”
TheheadlightsofNathan’struckswungpastmydrivewayasheslowedaroundthebend,andmyheart
nearlyjumpedoutofmychest.IwassofocusedonwhatIsawthatImissedtheskepticallookNathan
threwme.
AllbecauseLaw’struckwasparkedhalfwayupmydriveway.
Nathanparkedbehindit,butsincemydrivewaywasn’tallthatbig,thetailgatewasnearlyintheroad.
IwantedtocurseatLawforbeinghere,andforalsobeingadick.NowIhadtohobblepastthatjerk,and
mostlikelybeforcedintolisteningtowhathehadtosay.
By the time Nathan had the truck off, Law had already exited his. The two unintentionally mirrored
oneanother,climbingoutoftheirtrucksandroundingthebed.Thedifference,besidestheirnightandday
appearances,wasthatLawstoppedtoresthisassagainstthebackofhistruckandcrosshisarmsoverhis
chest,andNathancontinuedtomydoortohelpmeout.
Great.
ItriednottolookatLaw.Really,Idid.ButIwasalwayshopelesswherehewasconcerned.Hisstare
burnedthroughthewindshield,andlikeamagnet,myeyesfoundhis.Heclenchedhisjawandnarrowed
his eyes, then cracked his neck with a quick jerk in each direction. Whatever he was doing here, he
seemedtobegearingupforafight.
Mydoorclickedandswungopen,thenNathanwasreachingaroundmetograbmycrutchesfromthe
back.
“Nooneelse,huh?”
Mythroatdriedandmyheartsunk.Again,provinghowdifferentthetwowere,Nathanwasn’tpissed.
Disappointmentcoloredhistone.
Ileanedforwardtograbthehandleabovethedoorandbracedmyotherhandonhisshoulder.Nathan
liftedhisheadandmetmyeyes.
“No.There’snobodyelse.YouknowmeenoughtotrustI’mtellingyouthetruth.”
“Thenwho’she?”
WebothturnedtolookatLaw,andIsighed.Iturnedbackfirst,butNathankeptstaring.Orglaring.I
studied his profile. The soft round curve of his nose, his sharp jawline that led to his smoothly shaven
neck.Isqueezedhisshouldertoregainhisattention.
“Amemory.OneI’drathernotreliveatthismoment.”
Hegaveashort,rigidnod.“Needhelpgettingridofhim?”
“Withoutbeingrude,I’dliketogetridofthebothofyou.I’mexhausted,andIhaven’teatensincethis
morning.” I smiled to soften the words. I’m not sure if it worked, because his brow creased and he
frowned.
“Shit,”hegroaned.“I’madamnidiot.Allmyattemptstotakeyoutodinner,andhereyouarestarving
becauseIforgottofeedyouthroughallthis.”
“In that case, I’ll let you make it up to me Wednesday. Depending on how my foot is feeling. You
shouldbeoffyourworkrotationbythen,andhopefully,I’llbehealed.Butit’snotadate.Officially.It’s
twogoodfriendshangingoutwithoneanotheroutsideofworkforthefirsttime.Alone.”
Nathansmiledandchuckled,thendroppedhisforeheadtomine.Hishandsslidtoclutchmywaist.“I
wanttokissyourightnow,butIhaveafeelingthatwouldn’tbeappropriate.”
Myeyesgrewwide.“Please,don’t.”
His fingers flexed into my sides, and he pulled me down from the truck, careful to keep my injured
footfromhittinganythingonthewaydown.Releasingmewithhislefthand,hegrabbedmycrutchesone
atatime,andheldmesteadyasIputthemundermyarms.“Iwon’t.JustthoughtIshouldmakeyouaware
thatIwantto.”
Hesteppedbacktoletmeoutandshutmydoor.
“Well,thanksforthat.”
We’d made it to the front of his truck before Law got a full glimpse of me. I knew this, because he
suddenlypushedawayfromhistruckbedandtookfourangrystepsinourdirection.
“Whathappenedtoyou?”Thequestionwasforme,buthisglarewenttoNathan,asifimplyinghehad
somethingtodowithit.
Ineededtoshutthisdown.Fast.IhadnothingmoretosaytoLaw.Notafterthetugo’wargamehe’d
beenplayingwithmesincetheminuteheshowedupinthistown.And,healsohadnothingtosaythatI
wantedtohear.
ThatwaswhyIspokeoverhisquestionandaddressedNathaninstead.“I’llseeyoutomorrow.I’m
goodhere.Thankyouforhelpingme.”
“Cami,” Law growled and turned his front into my side as if trying to block Nathan from our
conversation.
Iwassoclosetocrawlingintobed,IcouldalmosttastethesleepI’dbehaving.Withthatinmind,I
leanedforwardonmycrutchesandansweredhim.Justnottheanswerhewaslookingfor.“Whatareyou
doinghere?”
“You’rehurt.”
“That’snotwhyyou’rehere.”
“Whathappened?”
“Again,notwhyyou’rehere.”
“Cam.”Hisvoicecracked,andtheresultingachethatspreadthroughmenearlypulledmeunder.Why
didhehavetoactlikehecared,whenIknewthreedaysfromnowhismoodswouldflipagain?Still,the
toneofhisvoicerootedmetothespot,andmyeyesflashedtoNathanbeforegoingbacktoLaw.
“I’mokay.IfellwhileIwasjogging.Twistedmyankle.”MyinstinctwastotakeastepclosertoLaw,
butthatwashardwithonefootandcrutches.Itried,butoneofthecrutchesdidn’tliftenoughandcaught
ontheasphalt.Ifell.Bothmenmoved,butNathanwascloserandcaughtmewithhishandsonmyhips.
Lawdidn’tmissthepossessivewayheheldme,andheshotfromwhateveremotionaldimensionhe
wasinstraighttopissed.
“Whoareyou?”
“I’mNathan.”
Abeatofsilencepassed.Onewhereheshouldhaveclarifiedhewasmyco-workerormyfriend.It
wascleartomethatNathanwasstatinghisintentions.Hewasn’tgoingtobeforcedintosomeplatonic
box,especiallynotafterI’djustagreedtogoonadatewithhim.
“Isheyourboyfriend?”
“Well,no,Imean,he’smy,uh,he’smyNathan.”Thetensiontrippedmeupandthat’swhatcameout.
Law’sheaddippedinmydirection.“He’syour...Nathan?”Hisvoicewasdeceptivelysoft.Thatwas
newfromtheLawIusedtoknow,anditfreakedmeout.Evenmorethanthat,itsortofturnedmeon.My
nipples tingled beneath the sports bra I’d put on hours earlier, and I gripped the crutch handles to keep
fromsqueezingmythighstogether.
Ilookedtomyshoeandtheopentoesofmyotherfoot.“Imeanthe’smyco-worker.”
“Itdoesn’tmattertoyouwhoIam.”Nathansteppedin,andIwantedtoslapmyforehead.We’regoing
tobehereallnight.“WhatmattersisCami’sexhaustedandneedstoliedown.”
“Isthatso,baby?”Lawturnedmocking.“Youneedtoliedown?ShouldIgetyousomeofthatsoupI
boughtyou?”
“Hey,man,I’mnotmessingaround.Leaveheralone.”Underthestreetlamps,Nathan’sjawturnedto
stone.
“NeitheramI.”
They turned to one another, and I swear they were seconds away from throwing punches. I was
completelyenrapturedbythesceneunfoldinginfrontofmethatwhenahandwrappedaroundmywrist,I
jumped.Ittookasecondtorealizewhichofthemhadgrabbedme.
IlookeduptoNathanquestioningly.Oncehehadmyattention,hestrokedmyinnerforearmwithhis
indexfinger.
“It’scool.I’mgoingtogetoutofhere.Carkey,please.”Heheldouthisotherhand,palmup.
Ishovedthehandhewasn’tholdingbeneathhisopenfleecejacketIwasstillwearing,andunzipped
thefrontpocketofmysweatshirt.Thesinglekeytomycarwasstashedinside.Myfingerscurledaround
thecoldmetal,andIwithdrewit.Istartedtoremovehisjacket,inordertogiveitback,buthewrapped
hisfingersaroundmywrist,stoppingme.
“Keepitonuntilyougetinside.I’llgetittomorrow.”
Inoddedanddroppedthekeyintohispalm.“Okay.Thanksagain,andI’llseeyoubeforeyourshift.”
Nathanleanedtowardsmetokissmycheek,andforsomeunknownreason,myeyesswungtoLaw.
Hepressedhislipstogetherbeforereleasingthemandsinkinghisteethintohisfullbottomlip.
JustasNathan’sbreathwarmedmycheek,thedoortomyhouseflewopenwithabang.
“Mom!”
Threeadultsjumped,andalleyesswunginthatdirection.Evelynwasstandingontheporchinapair
offuzzygraysweatsandapurpletanktop.Herhairwasamessonthetopofherhead,andshewasn’t
wearinganysocksorshoes.Shelookedalmostpanicked.
“Youhaven’tbeenansweringyourphoneforhours,andIneededyou!”Sheburstintotears,andthe
screendoorslammedshutassheranbackintothehouse.
My stomach dropped to my toes. Guilt and fear overrode any other emotion as I switched to mom
mode.Iwenttorun,butrememberedmyfoot.“Ughdamncrutches!”Ichuckedthemoneatatimetothe
groundandhoppedtowardsthehouse.Imadeitthreehopsbeforesomebody’sarmsscoopedmeupand
they jogged us to the door. That’s twice in one day I’ve been picked up against my will. Not a record
streakIwanttokeepbreaking.
Myfootachedwitheverybounce,butIpushedthroughit.MymindwasonEvelynandwhatinthe
worldhadmadehersoupset.
“Getyourdaughterandfigureoutwhat’swrong.”
Iwiggledinhisgrip.“Stopplayingthesegoddamnedgames,Law,andputmedown!”
Lawshiftedmyweighthigherandclimbedthestepsofmyporch.Oncethere,hejiggledthehandleto
myfrontdoor.Itopenedeasily.Hesetmedowninsidethefoyer.
IwastornbetweenrunningafterEvelynandaskingLawtowait.Inthebrighterlightcomingfrommy
house,Icouldseethebagsunderhiseyesandthedeepercreasesinhisforehead.Helookedwearyand
tired,andthatremindedmehehadcomehereforareason.
“Whydidyoucomehere?”Iaskedasecondtoolate.He’dalreadyturnedandjoggedbackdownthe
steps.Hewalkedovertowherewewerestanding,andmyheartclimbedintomythroat.
Pleasedon’tbestupid.Pleasedon’tpunchNathan,Ichantedinmyhead.
I couldn’t see the look on Law’s face from my position, but I could see Nathan’s. There was a
challengeinhiseyeIwassurereflectedLaw’s.Ishouldleavethebigboystofigureitoutthemselvesand
goinside,butsomethingtoldmetowait.
Lawbentdowntopickuponecrutchandthentheother.Withoutaword,heturnedandjoggedbackto
thehouse.
ThankGod.
WhenhegotbacktomehehandedmethecrutchesandcontinuedtopuncturethebubbleI’dbuiltfor
myselfinArrowCreek.
“GotnewsIlostmydad.I’llbegoneforafewdays,headingbacktoLogansvillefortheservice.”He
directedhisgazebehindme,intomyhouse,butbythehazinessinhiseye,Icouldtellhewaslostinhis
thoughts.
Mystomachtwistedintoknots,andbileimmediatelyrushedmythroat.Thoseweren’twordsIever
expectedLawtosaytome,andtheeffectofthemhadmefightingtheurgetodoubleover.Sweatbeaded
andrandownmyspine.
“I’vebeenfuckedupalongtime,Cami.WorkingthroughthathasbeenalotharderthanIthought.A
lotofyearsI’vebeenpissedanddealingwiththatangerbybeingadick.It’snotrighttothrowthatatyou,
repeatedly.Anyway.”Heranahandthroughhishair.“Wasgoingtoaskifyoufeltlikecomingwith,butI
canseenowyou’realltakencareofhere.”HeshiftedhisbodytothrowaglanceatNathan.
“Law...I...Thetiming...”IglanceddownthehalltowhereIknewEvelynwaswaiting,upsetabout
somethingthatneededmyattention.Andrightnow,Ithinkseeingherwouldbringmemorecomfortthan
her.
“Go.Sheneedsyou.Takecareofyourself,andmaybewe’llrunintooneanotherwhenI’mbackin
town.”
SecondstickedpastasIhesitatedinthedoorway,balancingoncrutcheswithonehandonthedoor.
Lawmadethefinaldecisionformewhenheturnedandjoggeddownmysteps.
“Goodbye,Law,”IwhisperedtomyselfasIclosedthefrontdoor.ThenIhobbleddowntotheliving
room,whereIknewmydaughterwouldbeonthecouchburiedbeneathamountainofblankets.
6.
Everythinghurt.Frommyheadtomytoes,Iwasacramped,achymess.EvelynandIlaughedandcriedso
manytimesthatI’dlostcount.AtLaw’snews,I’dfelteveryemotioninthebook.Sad,anger,hurt,pain,
relief,fear,weariness.AndwhenIlookedatmydaughter,Ifeltlikecryingalloveragain.
Peoplediedofteninthisworld,anditseemedaroundmetheydroppedfasterthanusual.I’dlearned
earlyonnottotrustthatthoseIlovedwouldstickaroundforthelonghaul.WhileIwasgone,mypoor
daughterhadherfirstrealtasteofthatall-consumingheartbreakwhenalovedoneleaves.
Orinthecaseofafourteen-year-old,herfirstrealcrushbreakingherheart.
IthoughtIwasn’treadyforthis,dealingwithmydaughterandboys.MaybeithadtodowithLaw’s
reappearanceorthefactIwasnormallyanemotionalmess,butIfoundtalkingaboutloveandboyswith
herwasridiculouslycathartic.
ItextedbothLawandNathanassoonasappropriatetotellthemallwaswellinourworld.Theway
Evelyncamescreamingintothenightwouldhavescaredmostfolksintobelievingsomethinghorriblehad
happened.Ididn’tknowwhereIcurrentlystoodwitheitherofthosemen,butIdidn’twantthemthinking
theworst.
Lawrespondedwitha,‘goodtohear,’whileNathansaid,‘Appreciateyoulettingmeknowyougirls
areallright.Getsomeiceonthatfootandgotosleep.Seeyoutomorrow.”
See?Nightandday.
Agiantscoopofthesaltedcaramelgelatobalancedonmyspooninfrontofmymouth.EvelynandI
hadbeeneatingitstraightfromthecarton.Teachinghertoeatheremotionswasn’tthebestidea,butit
wasallIcouldthinkofwhenshewouldn’tstopcryingaboutthisDeanboyIhadn’theardofbeforetoday.
“So,whenyougotoschooltomorrow,don’tevengiveDeanasecondofyourattention.”Icircledthe
spoonwidelybetweenus,andtheicecreamnearlyfelloff.“Imean,don’tevenlookathim.Becool,of
course.No,wait.WhatImeanisbeyourself.Don’tmakeabigscene.”
Basically, don’t do exactly what I did when Law broke my heart. I wished I could tell her that in
detail. Someday, absolutely, I’d tell her everything. Today wasn’t that day. When she heard that story,
she’dhavetohearallthegorydetails,includingwhoherrealfatherwas,andthatwasn’tsomethingIwas
readytoadmittoanybody.Icouldhardlyadmitittomyself.
“Mom.”Shesighedanddroppedherspoon,withathud,intothecarton.“Dean’snoteventhereason
I’msoupset.Imean,heissincehesaidyestobeingmyboyfriendbutthendumpedmethenextday.But
he’snotthewholereason.It’sthatCaseybetrayedme.Howcanmybestfriendleavemefortheboyshe
knewIhadacrushon?”Herfacestartedtocrumbleasshewenton,andthatdamnnearbrokemyheart.
“IthoughtMaggiewasyourbestfriend?”
“No,Ihaven’tbeenbestfriendswithMaggiesincethesummerendedandshestartedhangingoutwith
Kate.”TheattitudeIknewsowellwasstartingtopeekout.
“Ah, I remember now.” I shoved another spoonful in my mouth. So, maybe I wasn’t so good at this
stuff.Goodornot,itfeltgreattobehavingthisconversationwithmydaughter.Withitbeingjustthetwo
ofus,I’vemadeitmymissiontobeasopenandhonestwithherasIcanbe,andtokeepheropenand
honestwithme.
Iswallowed the creamy,cold deliciousness, andafter licking my spoonclean, I setit on the coffee
table.Leaningforward,IgrabbedEvelyn’shandsandheldeachoftheminoneofmine.
“I know it sucks, baby. Even more so because it’s a part of life. You’re going to encounter many
people who only care about themselves and will push others out of the way to get what they want. It
doesn’tsoundlikeCaseywasthinkingaboutyourfriendshipverymuch,andforthat,I’msorry.Ihopethe
nexttimesomeoneletsyoudownsodeeply,itdoesn’thurtasbadasthis.
“Andwhenyoudoseehertomorrow,youhaveacoupleoptions.One,youcanconfronther.Thatis
yourrighttoletherknowshehurtyou,andthatshewasn’tbeingaverygoodfriend.Or,numbertwo,you
cansmilewhenshewalkspassedyou,andnotletherknowthatshemadeyousad.Alotofpeoplethink
standingupforyourselfmeansusingyourwords.Idon’tthinkthat’strue.Sometimes,wecanstandupto
ourenemiesbyshowingthemtheydidn’thurtuslikethey’dhoped.Anyonecanspeakthetruth,butittakes
alotofstrengthtouseouractionstoshowpeopleweareokay.”
Evelynpulledherhandawayandscrubbedathereye.“Iknowyou’reright,butIwanttomakeher
feelbadlikeshemademefeelbad.”
“I’msureyoudo.However,twowrongs-ˮ
“Don’tmakearight.Yeah,Iknow...”
Needingtoreassureher,Ipulledherintomyarmsandkissedthehairatthetopofherhead.“You’re
goingtobejustfine,sweetheart.IwishIcouldtellyouthiswouldneverhappenagain,butitwill.Andit
doesn’tnecessarilygeteasier.Yougetstronger.”
“Someday,I’llbeasstrongasyou.”
My throat suddenly went dry. I swallowed hard and rested my cheek against her head. “You’ll be
stronger,”Imurmured.
***
TwothingsIlearnedfromhobblingaroundoncrutchesforaweek.One:itwasimpossibletodrive.
NathandroppedmycaroffthenextdaywiththehelpofRoss,anothercoworkerofours.Although,not
one I’d ever worked with on the same ambulance, so I didn’t know how good of a guy he was. Him
helpingNathanreturnmycartomeearnedhimsomepointsintheniceguycategory.Thatsaid,onceIhad
mycarback,Iwastemptedtodrive.Thatdidn’tgoasplanned.Itriedmaneuveringmyselfsomyleftfoot
coulddoallthepedalwork,butthatsquishedmyrightfootupagainstthecenterconsole.Toomuchwork
wasinvolved.ImadeitasfarasthestopsignattheendofthestreetbeforeIturnedthecarbackaround.
As soon as I limped back inside, I picked up my cell phone and called my friend Lori, the mom of
Evelyn’sfriendMaggie,andarrangedforhertopickupanddropoffEvelynuntilIwasbackonbothfeet.
Thatwomanwasalifesaver.She’dbeenonmyrotationsinceourgirlsstartedschoolandIhadstruggled
togetchildcareforEvelynwithmystrangeworkhours.LoristeppeduptocoverwhereKierstencouldn’t
andhadbeendoingsoeversince.
ImadeamentalnotetoaddanothergiftcardtoherChristmasbasketIwasputtingtogether.
ThesecondthingIlearnedisthatIcannotstandbeingcoopedupinthehousewithnothingtodo.Not
onlythat,butwhenthereissomethingthatneedstobedoneandIcan’tdoit,Igostraightupcrazy.
Evelynwasagreathelptakingcareofthelaundryanddishes.Thosehadbeenherchoresforacouple
yearsnow,soIdidn’thavetoputupwithanyextraattitude.
No,whatwasdrivingmeinsanewasthatthedayIdecidedtotakemyjog,andsubsequentfall,down
bytheriver,Ihadn’tfinishedallthewinterprepIhadintendedtodooutside.Snowstillhadn’tfallen,
whichmeanttherewasstilltime,evenifthattimewasrunningexceptionallyslim.Ineededtocleanmy
guttersandchangeoutmywindowscreens,buttherewasnowayIcouldclimbaladderwithonefoot.I
alsoneededtowinterizemylawnmowerandweedwhipper,andswapthesummersuppliesoutformy
shovelandsnowblower.IonlyhopedthesnowwouldholdoffuntilIwashealedandcouldgetitdone.
Today was Wednesday following my accident. Which meant today was the day of my date-that-
wasn’t-a-datewithNathan.
Iwasawreck.
Ididn’tgoondates.Okay,amendingthattosayIdidn’tgoondatesoften.Often,asinnever.Mylast
datethenightbeforeLawshowedupinArrowCreekwasasorryattempt,thefirstinwelloverayear.IfI
hadanythinggoingforme,itwasthatIwasn’tteachingmydaughteraboutparadingmeninandoutofthe
house.Givemeacheckinthewincolumnforthatone.
But this was Nathan. Was that a good or a bad thing? I wasn’t sure. In a lot of ways it was easier,
because we already knew so much about each other. I was comfortable with him. I knew a lot of his
history,andheknewmine.Wedidn’thavetogothroughanyawkwardstages.
TheflipsidetothatpositivewasthatIdidn’tfeelmuchforhimintheattractioncategory.Besideshim
kissingme,Ididn’tgetstomachflipsorexcitementoverseeinghim.Ididn’tfeelmuchofanything.And
thatkissseemedlikeaflukebecauseit’dbeennearlyhalfmylifesinceI’dkissedanyoneelse,besides
Law’skissjustafewdaysbefore.Imean,ofcoursemybodywouldreactlikethat...right?
Thewaterinmyshowerwasgettingcool.That’safirst.I’velivedinmyhomeelevenyearsandnot
oncehadIrunthewaterheaterdry.Idepressedtheleverintothewall,andthesteadystreamabovemy
headstopped.
CoolairprickedatmyskinasIstuckanarmoutinsearchofmytowel.Ifoundit,pulleditinsidethe
shower,andclosedtheglassdoortopreventasmuchheatfromescaping.Itmayfinallybetimetoturnthe
furnaceon.Thetempsweredippingbelowfreezingatnight,andthehousewascold.
I dried as much water from my skin, wrapped the towel around my body, and hopped out onto the
thick, memory foam mat outside the shower stall. The toes on my good foot wiggled and squished the
materialwhileIleanedagainsttheshowerdoorandcontemplatedwhattodonext.
Lotioninhere,robe,thensearchforclothes.
However, when I stepped out to find something to wear, I noticed I didn’t have a single bra in my
room.Crap.Evelynmusthaveleftthemtodrywhenshedidthelaundry.
Itightenedthebelttomyrobe,asweet,mint-greensilkwithanedgeofcreamlace(whosaidasingle
momcan’thavesexythings),andgrabbedonecrutchforsupportasImademywaytothelaundrycloset.
“Hey,Evelyn?Didyouwashmybras?Ican’tfindthem.”
“Sorry, yeah. They’re hanging up.” Her voice came muffled from behind her bedroom door as I
limpedpassed.Ihitthekitchenwhenherbedroomdoorswungopen.“Wait,haveyounotbeenwearinga
braallweek?”
Iswiveledononecrutchtofaceher,justintimetoseehernosewrinkle.“Yes,”Isnapped,thoughnot
meanly.
Her eyes widened in surprise of my confession. “But, mom!” she hissed, as though someone was
aroundtohearourconversation.“Whatifsomeoneseesyour,”sheleanedcloserandquietedhervoice,
“nipples?”
AnunladylikesnortburstoutbeforeIcouldcensorit.Itwastoolate.Afullriotoflaughterbarkedout
after.“Oh,honey,”Iwheezed,tryingtocatchmybreath.“Forone,nobody’sseenme.I’vebeenathome
allweek.Second,mybodyisminetodowithasIplease,andstuffingmyselfintoabrawhenIwasn’t
leavingthehousewasnotsomethingIwasabouttodo.”
“DoesthatmeanIdon’thavetowearone?”
“No.”Theanswerwasautomatic,andthelaughterinstantlydriedup.
Evelynraisedhereyebrowsatmeinchallenge.
“Sorry,sweets,butyouhavetowearonefornow.Thereasonssuck,andit’sasuckypartaboutbeing
awomaninthissociety,butuntilyou’reanadult,that’stherule.”
“Whythough?Ifmybodyismine,IshouldbeabletodoasIplease,too.”
Isighed.“Ifyouchosetorunaroundnakeddownthestreet,youcouldbearrestedforthatchoice.It’s
notthatsimple,andIwishitwere.No,youwouldn’tbearrestedbynotwearingabra.But,justasyour
bodyisyourstodowithasyouwant,it’salsoyourstoprotectwithyourlife.”
“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
“Itmeansthattherearepredatorsouttherewhowilltrytolookatandtouchwhatisn’ttheirs.Andit
hurtsmetohavetotellyouthis,becausenothingyoudocouldeverwarrantsomeonetouchingyouwhen
you don’t want them to, but some sick people think if they can see certain parts of your body, it’s an
invitation.It’snot,”Iemphasized,lookingintohereyesasIspoke,willingherwithmymindandmyheart
totrulyhearme.“Youcouldbewearingaminiskirt,alowcuttanktopwithyourbellyhangingout,and
thatstillwouldn’tbeaninvitationforanyonetotouchyouifyoudidn’twantthemto.Beingabletosee
your breasts through your shirt isn’t, either. But you’re my baby, and until you’re an adult, it’s my sole
missiontoprotectyou.Evenifitmeansrequiringyoutodosomethingthat’sunjustandunfair.”
The conversation soured my stomach and guilt ate at me. That wasn’t what I wanted to tell her. I
wantedtobeacoolmodernparentwhowouldencouragehertodowhatfeltbest.Tobeherselfandmake
choicesnotbasedonconformity.Icouldn’tdoit,though.Theneedtoprotectherwastoostrong,andthat
mademefeellikeafailureasamother.
“Okay, mom. You don’t have to worry because I like wearing my new bras, anyway. I’m going to
finishgettingreadyforschool.Loriwillbehereinafewminutes.”
Crap!
“Ibettergetdressed,then.”
Shewalkeddownthehall,andImadeittothelaundryclosetandfoundmybrasneatlyhangingfrom
thedryingrack.Isnaggedafireengineredoneandclosedthedoorbehindme.
A loud rattling noise came from the window above the sink. My heart jumped into my throat, and I
spuninthatdirection.Mycrutchcrashedtotheground.Withoutthesupport,mybalancewavered,andI
reachedfortheclosetdoorhandle.Aftersteadyingmyself,Ishouted,“Whatthecrap!”
Lawlookedupfromwherehewasswappingoutmyscreenforthestormwindow,hiseyescatching
mine.Eventhoughitwasearlymorningandthelightingwasdim,Icouldseehowdarkhiseyeslooked.
Thegrayoverpoweredthegreen,makingthemappeardarkandstormy,aparalleloftheweatheroutside.
Hisjawtightened,themusclestandingoutinhischeek,andhisgazesweptdownmybody.
Idroppedminetoo,andthat’swhenIrememberedthewayIlooked.Half-nakedinasexy,satinrobe
thathitmid-thighandclutchingaboldredbra.
Clenchingmyownjawshut,Iscreamed,andinanepicfuckmylifemoment,Isquatteddowninmy
barely-there robe, retrieved my crutch, and limped away as quickly as I could, giving him the perfect
viewofmybarelycoveredass.
Hewasgoingtogetapieceofmydamnmind.
Whatdidhethinkhewasdoinghere?Ihadn’theardawordsincehisrespondingtextthenightIhurt
myfoot;Ididn’tevenknowhewasbackintown.Then,withoutaskingmeforpermission,hell,evenifI
minded,heshowedupatmyhousejustaftersunrisetoreplacemywindows?
Hewasinsane.
I dressed in record time. Evelyn popped out of her room as I passed, and a horn sounded from the
driveway.
Crap,nowshewasrunninglate,andtherefore,makingotherpeoplelate.
“Hug,kiss,getamoveon,”Iadmonishedgentlyaswemadeourwaytothefrontdoor.
Wehugged,andEvelynmovedtokissmeonthecheekwhileIswungtheinteriordooropen.
MyeyesmovedinthatdirectiontoseeifIcouldreadLori’smood,exceptmyviewwasblockedby
Law,standingonmydoorstep,withhisfistraised,readytoknock.Hisjawwassolidandhiseyeswere
unreadableashetookthetwoofusin.
Evelyngavemeakissandpulledaway.“Seeyoulater,mom.Loveyou.”
“Loveyoutoo,honey.”Iranmyfingersaffectionallythroughherhair.
Lawsteppedbackandopenedthescreendoor,whichInoticednowhadthestormwindowinsteadof
thescreen.
Shesteppedthroughit,andtiltedherheaduptolookatLaw.“Oh.”Sheturnedbacktowardme,asif
sherememberedsomething.“AmIstayinglateatLori’stonight?”
“Um...”Iranthroughthereasonswhyshewouldbe,andIcameupblank.
“Becauseyouhavethatdate.YousaidI’dbestayinglateatLori’s?”
Ididn’thavetolookatLawtofeeltheangerpouringoffhim.Hisstarefeltlikea50-poundweight
wrappedaroundmyneck.
I clutched the knob of the interior door. “Yes.” The word strangled me. Clearing my throat, I spoke
louder.“Yes,you’llbeatLori’suntilIcancomegetyou.”
Atthisexactmoment,IwouldtradefallingdownahilltentimesthesizeoftheonebytheSwinging
BridgethanhavingtodealwithapissedoffLaw.Again.
“Cool.Latermom.”
“Bye.”
I waved to Lori, hoping she wasn’t upset with us for running late. Also hoping she didn’t run her
mouthtoanyoneaboutthestrangemanonmydoorstepateightinthemorning.
I took a measured breath in order to address Law, but he beat me to it. He did it by being clear,
concise,andpissedinawayIcouldtellhedidn’twanttotalkaboutit.
“Ihavetwowindowsleft,thenI’mdonewiththose.I’llcleantheguttersandgetyourlawnmowerto
theshed.ThewindowbyyourkitchensinkhadasmallholeinthesealsoIcaulkedit.”
“Whendidyou...howdidyouknow...?”Ispluttered,tryingtounderstandwhatthehellwashappening.
“Thedayyouhurtyourfoot,yourdaughtertoldmeyouweredoingoutsideworkthenlefttogofora
jog.IlookedaroundwhileIwaitedforyoutogetback.”
“YouspoketoEvelyn?”
“Yep. Nice kid. Polite. You should tell her not to answer the door when you aren’t home. It’s not
safe.”
Somanythingsflashedthroughmymindatonce.“Youwentthroughmygarage?”
Helookedmesteadilyintheeye.“Iwaswaitingalongtime.”
Iignoredhisimplication.“How’dyouknowIdidn’tgettoallthatwhileyouweregone?”
“Didn’t.”
“So,you’reintoB&Enow?”
“Hardlybreakinginwhenthegarageisn’tevenlocked.”
“Youareunbelievable,”Isnapped.
“Icouldsaythesame.”
Clearlydonewiththeconversation,Lawturnedandjoggeddownmysteps.
I felt like a crazy person leaning out my front door yelling after him, “What was that supposed to
mean?”
Hedidn’tanswer.
Ihuffedinfrustrationandwentbackinside,shuttingthedoorbehindme.Closed,butnotlocked,andI
didn’tknowwhatthatsaidaboutme.
I’dfindoutwhatitsaidacouplehourslater.
***
WhenIwasangry,Ilovedtoclean.Icouldtakefrustrationsoutonsomesoapscumlikenoother.Giveme
ascratchpad,sponge,andabucketofsoapywater,andIwouldn’tstopuntilmyemotionswerepurged
andthehousewasspotless.
Itriedthatthismorningbutfoundtherewasn’tmuchtoclean,andIrealizeditwasbecauseI’dnever
beenthisangrybefore.
Normally,IangrycleanedbecauseIdidn’twanttoendupyellingatEvelynandluckily,forthebothof
us,thosefeelingswouldfadefast.Tenminutesintomyscrubfest,theadrenalinewouldslow,andIcould
rationallythinkabouthowtodealwithwhatevershedid.
Like that time she was five and took a sharpie to my brand-new microfiber couch. It took me six
monthstosaveupenoughmoneytobuyusalivingroomset,andthefirstweekitwasinourhome,she
useditashernewcanvas.Iwasfurious,somethingIhatedmyselfforbecauseshewassoyoung.Allmy
hardworkfeltfornothing.IsenthertoherroomsoIcouldhandscrubthekitchenfloor,andbeforeIwas
halfway done, I’d calmed down enough to remember the protection plan I’d purchased. I called the
numberonthereceipt,andtheytalkedmethroughcleaningitwithrubbingalcoholandawhitesponge.I
wasskepticalatfirst,butasmynewcouchwasrevived,Iturnedintoabeliever.
ThatwasoneofherworsttransgressionsandIgotoveritquick,whichmeantIwascrazypissedat
Laworhesomehowmademeangrierthananyother.Optiontwosoundedright,becauseafewminutes
into scrubbing the inside of my freezer, I realized I could keep it up for hours and the feelings weren’t
goingtofade.
Theinsideofthefreezer,fridge,andstovewereemptied,scrubbed,ridofanyexpiringordriedon
food,andreorganized,andIwouldhavekeptgoingbutmylegwasgettingtired.Igaveuponcleaningand
decidedtorefreshmypedicureinstead.EvelynandIweredueforamani/pedidate,andsincemytoes
weremoreexposedthanusual,Inoticedtheimperfections.Thiswouldtidemeoveruntilwecouldfind
timetomakeanappointment.
Myfootwashealingbutwasn’tahundredpercent.Thebruiseswerestartingtoturnmoregreenthan
purple. I would see our family doctor on Friday and hoped to graduate from the crutches to a walking
boot,orbetteryet,somefancytaping.Itwouldbenicetodriveagain.
Isatonmybed,turnedonanepisodeofGrey’sAnatomyonNetflix,pickedapretty,darkpurplethat
didn’tclashtooheavilywithmybruises,andsettostrippingoffmyoldpolish.
Theentireprocesstooknearlyanhour,becauseIkeptgettingcaughtupinthedramaontheTV.Imust
havewatchedtheentireseriesatleastseventimessinceNetflixaddedittotheirqueue,andeachtimeI
couldn’tgetoverthechangesinDr.McDreamy.
TheearlierseasonshealwayshadthisdistinctlookinhiseyewheneverhelookedatMeredith.Itwas
softandwarm;somethingI’dreadaboutfrequentlyinromancenovels,buthadn’tseenwithanyclarityin
real life until I watched Derek Shepherd look at Meredith that way. Somewhere around season four or
five, it started to change. The look faded and became colder. There were moments where the old
McDreamywouldshinethrough,buttheoriginallookwasgoneforever.
Therearesomethingsinlifewecannevergetback.Unlikemyoldbrand-newcouch,alittlerubbing
alcoholandscrubbingdidn’tfixeverything.Thingsgottarnishedandwrecked,andsometimesit’sbetter
tothrowthemoutthantrytosalvagethemintheirbrokencondition.
IwipedatearfrommyeyewiththebackofmyhandasIwatched,fortheeighthtime,Meredithgrip
Derek’s hand in a supply closet while having a break down. He remained solid as a rock for her. And
anotherteardrippedfrommyeyewhenhesmiledandreassuredhershewasokay.
7.
Throughmyquietsniffling,Iheardthefrontdooropenslowlyandthenclose.Aboothitthefloor.Then
another.Softfootfallssoundeddownthehalltothekitchen.Acabinetcreakedopenandclosed.Rushing
watersoundedbrieflyfromthefaucetthenturnedoff.
IcouldpretendIwasasleep.LawandIonlyseemedcapableofexplodingaroundoneanother,andI
wasn’tinthemoodtoarguesomemore.Ishouldthankhimforhelping,eventhoughIneveraskedhimto.
It was still incredibly kind. The weather wouldn’t hold out much longer, and there was a strong
possibilityIwouldn’thavefinishedpreparingmyhousebeforethesnowfell.AndifLawhadn’thelped,
andIcouldn’tdoit,theonlypersonthatleftwasNathan.WhatkindofmessagedidthatsendtoamanI
wasn’tsureIevenwantedtogoonadatewith?
Withallthatinmind,Iscootedmylegsoffthesideofthebed,grabbedacrutch,andhauledmyself
intothekitchen.
WhenIroundedthecornerfromthehall,allthesalivainmymouthevaporated,andIwassuddenly
desperateforadrink.
ThefirstthingInoticedwasthehaironhisabs.Asoftdustingsproutedacoupleinchesoneitherside
ofhisbellybutton.Itcontinuedupunderneathhisshirtand...
Down.
Below.
Hiswaistband.
Hisbeltwasundone,eachsidehangingparalleltohisthighs.Thetopbuttonofhisjeanswasopen
andfoldeddown;thewaistbandofhisunderwearpeekingoutthetop.
Oh,lordy.
Histonedbodyglistenedwithsweat.Lawcurrentlyheldthebottomofhisteeuptohisfaceandwas
using it like a towel so I could stare unabashedly. Which was perfect, because I was certain my mouth
was open and I was drooling. I didn’t know for sure though, seeing as my entire body went numb... or
tingly.Maybeevenboth.
ThatwaswhenLawdroppedhisshirt,hiseyeslandedonme,andhecursed.
“Christ.”
Mymouthsnappedclosedandmymindblankedonwhattosay,soIstayedsilent.Awarmhumstoked
lowinmybelly,andIhadahellofatimethinkingofanythingelsewhenthatfeltsogood.
Lawtwistedhistorsoandtaggedhiscupoffthecounterbesidethesink.Hetookalongdrink,andI
watchedhisAdam’sapplebobasheswallowed.
Loweringtheglass,hekeptitclutchednearthemiddleofhisabdomen,andlickedtheremainingdrop
ofwaterfromhislips.
“Work’sdone,”hegruntedlow,eyeingmesteadily.Therewasadistinctfeelingofpredatorandprey,
butatthemoment,Iwasn’tsurewhichrolewasmine.
“You’renaked,”Imumbled.“Inmykitchen.Half–naked.Whyareyounaked?”
Hecockedhisheadandliftedabrow,andaslowgrinspreadacrosshislips.Itwasn’tfull,butitwas
enoughforthoselongdimplesonthesidesofhismouthtopeekout.“Cutetoes.”
Mynostrilsflaredinmyattemptatadeepbreathwithoutbeingobvious.Ifailed.
Hisgrinbroadened.Hewasplayingwithme.Thebastardwasgettingoffonmakingmesquirm.
“Comehere,Cami.”Thehuskinessinhisvoicestokedthatwarmthhigher.
ItooktwostepscloserbeforeIrealizedIactedonhiscommandwithoutthinking.Mywillpowerwas
shot.Thatcouldbeaverybadthing.Ineededtoupmygamebeforehechewedmeupandspitmeout.
Ifhethoughttauntingmyattractiontohimwasthewaytogo,twocouldplayatthatgame.He’dhad
theupperhandineveryexchangesinceheshowedupinArrowCreek.Itwastimeforapowerexchange.
Imovedtwostepsfurtherintothekitchen,andnotamuscleinhisbodymovedexcepthiseyes.They
trackedme,buthedidn’tfollow.Hewatchedmelikeahungrylioneyeingagazelle,exceptIwasn’tabout
tobeeaten.
Hewas.
Iletthecrutchfallfrombeneathmyarm,anditclatteredtothefloor.Hiseyesmovedtoit.Whilehe
wasdistracted,Iplantedmypalmonthecountertopbehindmeandhoppedup.
Thesoundofmymovementdrewhisattentionback,becausehiseyesshottomeandtheydarkened.
I scooted closer to the edge, letting my knees fall wider apart. Not blatantly obvious, but in what I
hopedwasasubtleinvitation.
Ifhewantedtoplaywithfire,Iwasgoingtoshowhimhowmuchithurttogetburned.
Law’snostrilsflared,andhesethisglassdownnone-to-gently.Inthreelongstrides,hewasacross
thekitchenandworkinghishipsbetweenmyspreadthighs.“Isthiswhatyou’reaskingfor,baby?”
Ashiverrodedownmyspine.
He pressed forward, the hard ridge of his erection rolling against my sensitive clit. I jerked at the
contact.
Iswallowedoncetoclearmythroatandtriedtocontrolmybreathing.“Isthiswhatyouwant?”The
soundofmyvoicewasdifferentthanusual.Itwashighandsoftandinviting.
“Onlyeverydayforthelastfifteenyears.”
“Oh,” I moaned. I was losing my grip on the game. I should’ve been on top here, but he quickly
regainedcontrol.Inadesperateattempttotakeitback,Iforcedahandbetweenus,intotheopenflapof
hisjeans,andsliditdownthelengthofhishardcock,palminghimthroughhiscottonunderwear.
Icouldn’tsayforsurewhichofusgroanedlouder,butLawpunctuatedhiswithan,“Oh,fuckyeah.”
Thosewordswentstraighttothefireinmystomach,andIstrokedhim.
He planted a hand by my hip for support and wrapped the other around my upper back, his fingers
cupping the back of my head. He held me steady, making it so I couldn’t move away, and forced me to
lookin his eyes.Our foreheads touched.Our breaths mingled inthe space betweenus. And suddenly, I
knewtherewouldbenobackingdown.Notfromhim,anddefinitelynotfromme.
I’dhadmyfirsttouchofLaw.Notinyears.Ever.
AndtherewasnowayIwasabouttolethimgo.
Whileholdingmyeyes,heswiveledhiships,forcingatempoheliked.OneIliked,too.Itchangedthe
angleandallowedmetoexploremoreofhisincrediblesize.
“Iwanttofeelyourhandonmydick,”hegrowled,thenthrusthishipsforward,fillingmypalm.
“Itis.”Myfaceflushed.Wasn’tthiswhathewanted?HowdidIcommunicatewithamanwhohad
yearsofexperienceaheadofme?I’dnevertalkedaboutaman’sdick,letalonetothatman’sfacewhile
strokingsaiddick.Thethoughtembarrassedandterrifiedme.
Lawletgoofmyheadtoreachbetweenusandgraspedmyhandinhis.Ibarelyregisteredhisother
handleavingthecountertopandpushinghisjeansandunderwearoff.Thebuckleonhisbelthitthefloor
withaclank.
“Likethis.”Hetookmylipsinanopenkissanddippedhistongueintomymouth.Atthesametimehis
lipshitmine,hewrappedbothofourhandsaroundhisnowbareerectionandtogetherwestrokedhim.
Iwaslostinthefeelofhim;thehardwarmthofhiscockbeneathmysmallpalm,thesoundsofthe
groans rumbling from deep in his chest, the strength of his hand wrapped around mine. Guiding me.
Teachingme.Hismouthtakingmineinapassionatekissthatblewallothersoutofthewater.Hisvelvet
tonguemakinglovetomineliketwolonglostlovers.
Thewarmthofhishandaroundminedisappeared,butIkeptongoing,strokinghimthewayheshowed
meheliked.
Hishandscuppedmyassandliftedmeintohisarms.Ihadnochoicebuttoclenchhishipswithmy
thighs and wrap my free arm around his shoulders. I thought the position might be hard for him, so my
fingersonhiscockslackenedtoholdhisshouldersinstead.
“Don’tletgoofmydick,”hegrowledintomymouth.
Thedesperatesoundofhisvoicehadmyfingerstighteningagain.
Heshuffledusforwardafewsteps,thesoundofhisbeltdraggingonthefloorremindingmethathis
pantswerearoundhisankles.Ismiledagainsthismouth.
Lawpulledhislipsawayandlookedintomyeyes.Hespreadhisfingersonmyasscheeksanddug
themintothesoftflesh.Theirproximitytomypussyturnedthedullthrobintoatsunamiwaveofdesire.
“What’sfunny?Youwon’tfindmuchfunnywhenIgetmydickinyou.You’llbetoobusyscreaming.”
Oh, god. The smile dropped from my face. We were going to... Of course, that’s where this was
heading.It’sexactlywhatIwanted.Whythen,wasaninklingoffearcreepingin?
Wehitthehallway,andsuddenlyweweregoingdown.IletoutanabruptscreamthatLawsilenced
withhislips.Hekissedmehard,swirlinghistongueinmymouthandcuppingthebackofmyhead.
Hiskneeshitthecarpetfirst,followedbyhiselbowfromthearmhe’dwrappedaroundmyback.He
cushionedmesoperfectly,Ihardlyfeltathing.
Breakingthekiss,hesatbackonhisheels.Powerradiatedoffhimasheloomedoverme.Hisbody
wasbigandbuilt,andIwasabouttogetanuninhibitedview.Reachingonearmoverhishead,hegrasped
hisshirtbythenecklineandpulleditoffinonefluidmotion.
NowIcouldseethatthedarkhairfromhisabdomencontinuedupoverhispecs.Thickerinbetween
whereitcrossedoverhissternum,itturnedintojustasprinklingaroundhisnipples.Itrailedmygazein
theotherdirection,followingthehairdowntowhereitencircledthebaseofhiscock.Icouldseewhat
myaccuratesenseoftouchdeterminedbefore.Hissizewasincredible.
“You’rewearingtoomanyclothes.”
Myeyesshottohis,andallIcoulddowasnodinagreement.
Lawclenchedthehemofmyblueribbedtankandtuggeditstraightovermyhead.Iliftedmyarmsand
didasituptohelphim.Itwentupandoffwithoutahitch.
As I laid back down, Law undid the button on my jeans and slid down the zipper. He gripped the
denimatbothofmyhipsandworkedthematerialdownovermybutt.Glidinghishandsupmybarethighs
andhips,hegrabbedaholdofmywaist,lifted,andscootedusfurtherdownthehall.Myjeansslidfurther
downmylegs.
“Arewegoingtocrawltothebedroom?”Iteased,tryingtodispelsomeofthenervesIfelt.
“No,butit’spossibleImightpoundyouallthewaythere.”
“OhI–ˮAbouttoreply,Isuddenlysuckedinasharpbreathinsteadandbothmyhandsflewtogriphis
wristwhereitroseandfellabovemystomach.
Lawwasdonetalking.He’dslippedhishandintomyredthong,andhismiddlefingerdippedthrough
mywetnessandplungedinside.Deep.Hisfingerfeltthick,alittlestrange,butnotunpleasant.Anythought
ofdiscomfortwentoutthewindowwhenhecurledhisfingerandrubbedaspotthatmademybackarch
andmytoescurl.
“Fuck.Dothatagain.”Hebracedanarmatthesideofmyheadandwatchedmyfaceasherubbedthat
spotdeepinsidemeoncemore.
Icouldn’thavefoughttheresponseifI’dtried,andfuckme,Iwasn’ttrying.Mybackarched,crushing
mybreastsagainsthisbarechest,myeyelidsslammedshut,andmymouthopenedonamoan.
Whilehisfingerworkedinsideme—slowandsteadybeforespeedingupuntilIwascirclingmyhips
thenslowingdownagain—theorgasmbuilt.
Iknewit.Ihadn’thadoneinmyentirelifebroughtonbyanotherperson,butI’dgiventhemtomyself.
Itwasthesametensefeeling,likeaspringcoilinginmystomach.Soonerorlater,thepressurewouldbe
toomuchanditwouldsnap.Therewasnostoppingit.
Lawleanedforwardandsankhisteethintothemusclewheremyneckmeetsmyshoulder.Iscreamed,
nearlycomingatthesuddenchangeinsensation,butthenhiswordsstoppedmeinmytracks.
“So,isthisyournormalM.O.?”hecrooned,thequestionandthesoundofhisvoiceconfusingme.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
Hepushedbackalittle,loomingovermeononearm,hisfingerstilldeepinsidemewhilehetalked.
“Youknow.Kissoneguy,kissanotherthenextweek.Nextthingyouknow,you’renearlynaked,aboutto
comeononeguy’shand,whilehavingplansforadatelaterwiththeotherguy.”
MydatewithNathan.Oh,shit,shit,shit!“Law,weshouldn’t.”
Hisfingerswirledinsideofme,makingmedothatarch,eyerollthingagain.“Ah!”
“It’sokay.Idon’tmindsharingyoualittlebit.I’vedreamtoftakingyouforsolong,it’sworthit.”A
littlemaliceenteredhisvoice.“Besides,it’snotmewhohastositacrossfromsomerandomdatewith
anotherman’scomestillinsideme.”Heworkedasecondfingerinsidemeandpresseddown.Mylegs
shook.
Ididn’twanttolookinhiseyes,soIclosedmine.Hiswordsstung,buttherewastruthbehindthem.
I’ddreamtaboutthistoo,andIcouldn’tstop,evenifIwantedto.Iwastoofargone.Icouldbepissed
later.Rightnow,IwassoturnedonthatIthoughtI’ddieifhestopped.
“Jesus,Cami.”Heloweredhisforeheadtomine.Icouldn’thelpit,Ipeekedandsawhiseyeswere
nowclosed,too.“You’resogoddamnedtight.Howisthatevenpossible?”
Astrangledbreathescaped.“Idon’t...Imean,I’mnot...I’venever...”WhatwasIeventryingtosay?
Mychestached,andinordertopushitaway,Igraspedthesidesofhisheadwithbothhandsandpulled
hismouthtomine.
Hegroanedintomymouth,andIwaspleasedheletmehavecontrol.
Foramoment.
Itdidn’tlastlong.WhateveragendaLawseemedtohave,hewasonamissiontocompleteit.
Wrenching his mouth from mine left us both gasping for air. He pushed back and lowered himself
downmybody,droppingtoaforearmbetweenmyspreadthighs.Secondspassedashewatchedhimself
fingerme,alookofdesireonhisface.
Hiswarmbreathfannedovermysensitiveflesh,andmyhipsjerkedinresponse.Hisbrowscreased,
andheshotmeacuriousglancebeforelookingatmypussyagain.
Withoutwarning,heloweredhisheadanddippedhistongueintomywetslit.Justonce.
Mypussyclenchedtightaroundhisfingersandascreamofpleasureeruptedfrommythroat.Iwasso
closetocoming.
Lawliftedhiseyestomine,heldmeenrapturedwithasteadystare,andplungedhistongueinwithhis
fingers.
My hips jerked hard, but he wasn’t finished. His fingers scissored apart, and his tongue fluttered
relentlesslyinthespacebetweenthem,hittingnervesdeepinsidemeIhadnoideaexisted.Threeseconds
later, the tsunami building inside me made landfall, and my orgasm pulsed rhythmically through me,
squeezinghisfingersinatightgrip.
Myeyesrolledback,andIsworeIblackedoutfromthepleasure.I’dneverfeltanythinglikeitinmy
entirelife.
“Hey,Cami?”Hishuskyvoicesoundedfromsomewherenearmyhips.
“Yeah?”Ididn’tbotheropeningmyeyestoanswer.
Wipinghismouthonmyinnerthigh,heplacedasoftkissthere.Hepressedanotherkissalittlelower
andtracedthecreaseofmygroinashespoke.“Justcurious,butyou’vedonethatbefore,right?”
Embarrassmentovertookeverythingelse,andIflunganarmacrossmyeyes.“No,”Imumbled.
“Hey.”Henippedatmylowerstomach,makingthemuscleclenchandashotofdesirerushthrough
me.“Lookatme,darlin’.”
Igavehimmyeyes.Thevulnerabilityinhisstartledme.
“Pleasedoutofmydamnmindthattherewassomethingleftformetobeafirstforyou.”Hisvoice
wasthickandsoundedstuffyasifheweregettingacold.
Tearswelledinmyeyes.“Thenyoushouldknow,”Ibeganbutlookedawaytocalmmyracingheart.
Hegavemeasecond,andIwasgratefulforthat.Ididn’tknowwhy,afterallthefightingwe’ddone,I
wasgivinghimthis.AllIknewwasitfeltlikeastepintherightdirection.
“It’snotafirst,soit’snotthesame...”
“What’snotthesame?”Hepushedhimselfupmybodyandcuppedmycheek.
Thiswaswrong,andIwasselfish,butIcouldn’tmakemyselfstop.Ishould’vestoppedusbeforewe
reachedthetippingpointofnoreturn.Ididn’t,soIhadnootherchoicebuttokeepontrucking.“There’s
beennobodyformesinceIleftLogansville.”
“Baby,”hegroaned,buryinghisfaceintothesideofmyneck.Heliftedhishead,andhiseyesshone.
“Beclearerforme,becauseIdon’twanttomisinterpretthis.”
Cuppingbothhischeeks,Istrokedalongthesharpridgebeneathhiseye.Ascarfannedoutfromthe
corner there and blended in with the other natural lines. It was lighter in color and slightly puckered. I
movedtotraceitwithmythumb.“Itdoesn’tgetmuchclearer.TheoneandonlytimeI’vehadsexwasthe
nightmydaughterwasconceived.”
Lawclenchedhisjawanddroppedhisforeheadagainstmybreastbone.Myhandsslippedfromhis
face.Notabletoreadhismood,Ididn’tknowwhattodo,butIfeltawkwardnottouchinghimafterthat
confession.
Tentatively,Ireachedoutandsettledmyhandonthebackofhishead.Hedidn’tbrushmeoff,soI
threadedmyfingersthroughhismessylocks.
I’msosorry,I’msorry.I’mso,sosorry,Iwantedtoscreambutcouldn’tmakemymouthwork.
Myhandsfellfromhishairwhenheabruptlypushedhimselfupandstood.Hewouldn’tlookatme
whenhebentover.
He was getting his things and getting dressed. He was leaving. Once again, the mistake I made
fourteenyearsagowastoomuchforhim,andthereminderdisgustedhim.CouldIblamehim?
Somethinghitthefloorbesidemeandthesoundcausedmetoraisemyhead.Lawhadstrippedoffhis
jeansandsocks,andnowstoodcompletelynaked,stretchinghishandouttome.
Hopesoaredwithinme.Washegoingtostay?Igrabbedhold,plantingmygoodfootontheground,
andhepulledmeupstraightintohiswarm,solidchest.Bothhisarmsencircledme,andforafewheart
beats,weheldoneanother.
“Couldhavebeenme,”hestatedcryptically.Iraisedmyhead,wantingtolookhimintheeyes,buthe
heldontighter,forcingmetorelaxagainsthischest.“Iwouldhavegivenanythingtohavebeenyourfirst.
Anything.Thoughtitwasgoingtobethatway.Wentsofarastoplanitforwhenyouwereready.”
Thathopecrashedandburnedafierydeath.
“Iwouldn’thaveitanyotherwaythough,Cami.”Hisfingerssiftedthroughmytangledhair.“I’veseen
youwithyourdaughter.Beautiful,likehermomma.Kind.Polite.She’sgotyourattitude,too.”
Itrembledinhisarms.
“And your stubbornness, I can tell.” His arms jerked, squeezing me tighter. “Point is, I wouldn’t
changethatforyou,evenifitmeanthavingeverythingIwanted.I’llhavetosettleforsecond,andI’llbe
happydoingit,ifitmeansIgettofinallyhaveyou.”
Slidinghispalmbeneathmyjaw,Lawtiltedmyheadbacktocapturemyeyes.“Whatdoyousay?”
Nohesitation.“Please,Law,yesI–ˮHismouthcrushedmine,andtherestwasswallowedbyhiskiss.
Hepressedmeupagainstthewall,thesurfacefreezingagainstmynakedback.Shivering,Iwrapped
my arms around him to steal his warmth as I kissed him back. A desperation stole over me, one that
reminded me this moment was fleeting. If history does repeat itself, it led me to believe that this
amiabilitywouldn’tlast.
So,Igrabbedhold,livinginthismomentwhereIcouldpretendthatLawwasmineandIwashis.That
IcouldbelieveanimpulsivemistakeneverforcedmetochoosebetweenthemanIusedtoloveandthe
daughterIcouldneverregret.
Itwasn’treal,itwasafairytale.Yet,IwasreadytodeceivemyselfifitmeantIcouldhavethisone
memorytocarrymethroughthedarktimesthatweretocome.
“God.God...”hebreathedthroughkisses,hisharshexhalesfillingthesilenceofthehouse.“Yourlips
areperfection.Andyourbody...”Hetracedmycurvesfrommyshoulderstomyhips.“Icouldworshipfor
hours.”
Licking,sucking,tasting,hismouthmovedfrommylipstomyjaw,myeartomyneck;franticinhis
questtotakeandtake.Hisfingersreachedaroundmybackandunhookedmybra.Onceitwasgone,his
mouthfoundmybreast.Hestrokedthetipwithhistongueuntilitwastightandred,anditswelledthick
underhistouch.Hismouthcoveredmynippleandsuckeddeep,sendingpleasurebloomingthroughme.
Bendingatthewaist,heliftedmeintohisarmsandstarteddownthehall.
Inthebedroom,hereleasedmynipplewithaslowgrazeofhisteeththatsentgoosebumpsskittering
acrossmyarmsandtossedmeontomyqueen-sizedbed.
Hestoodattheedge,lookingdownonme,andgrippedhiscockinhispalm.Hishandsliduptopalm
thehead,thenbackdown,andhegaveitthreesharptugs.
Law was hot when he was in a pair of well-fitting, dark-wash jeans and a shirt stretched over his
muscularframe,butstripthemannakedandhavehimstrokinghiscock?Hewasdownrightcombustible.
Thatthoughtmusthaveshownonmyface.Lawsmirked,andslowedthemotionofhishanduntilhe
wassteadilymasturbating.
“ThinkIcouldgetyouoffjuststandingherestrokingmycock.Bythewayyou’resquirming,I’dsay
you’realreadyclose.”
“Maybenexttime.Ineedyouinme.”
“Weshouldgetridofthis,then.”Hehookedhisfingersinthesidesofmythongandpeeleditdown
mylegs.“Better.Nowspreadthem.”
Nerveshitfirst,followedbyembarrassment.“Wh-what?”
“Iwanttowatchyoutouchyourself.”
“Ithoughtweweregoingtohavesex.”
Heleanedovertheedgeofthebed,puttingahandinthemattressnearmyhip,andbroughthisface
close to mine. His voice lowered. “We are. But first, I want to see how you’ve been taking care of
yourselfforthepastfifteenyears,andIwanttotouchmyselfwhilewatchingit.Afterthat,whenyou’reso
ready I can see your arousal dripping from your pussy, I’m going to lick you, and then fuck you like I
promised.”
“Oh.”Thewordleftmymouthonashudderedexhale.
“IknowyoulikehowI’mstrokingmycock.Putyourhandbetweenyourlegsandshowmehowmuch.
I’llevenhelp.”
Hepushedmylegsapartanddroppedtoahip,sothatoneofmykneeswastrappedaroundhisback.
Bringinghislegsontothebedsothathewaslyingonitwithme,heusedhisfreehandtopushmyother
leg open wider. Once my legs were where he wanted them, he snagged my right hand and pushed it
betweenthem.Already,Icouldfeelmyselfdrippingwet.
“That’sit,”hecoaxed,asIusedtwofingerstocirclemyclit.“Pushtheminside.Showmewhatyou
like.”
Idippedthemintomywetwarmth,causingLawtogroan,andpulledthemout.Usingmyarousalas
lubricant,Icircledmyclitagain.“Oh,God,Law.”
“That’sbeautiful,Cami.”Hestrokedhimselfharder.“Showmeagain.”
Irepeatedthemotion,butthistime,whenIwenttocirclemyclit,Lawloweredhisheadbetweenmy
legswhilehecontinuedtopleasurehimself.“Don’tstoptouchingyourself,”hecommanded.
Atfirst,Ididn’tunderstandwhy.Butthenhistonguejoinedmyfingers,andafullbodyshudderripped
throughmeatthepleasure.IforgotwhatIwasdoing,andmyhandstoppedmoving.
Thenhistonguestoppedmoving,too.
“Cami,touchyourself,”heorderedhuskily.
“Right.” I started again, and so did he, his tongue and my fingers pleasuring me. Once I kept my
fingerswherehewantedthem,hemovedhistongueloweranddippeditinsidemypussy.
He licked me like he said he would, and it ended up better than the first time. With the help of my
hand,Icamescreamingwhileheplungedhistongueinandout.
Law crawled up my body, stopping to press random kisses along my torso. When he was situated
betweenmyhips,hedroppedbackonhisheels.“Canyougetpregnant?”
“I’monbirthcontrol.”
“Good.I’mclean,baby,ifyoutrustme.Ifnot,you’regonnahavetowaittwentyminuteswhileIrunto
thepharmacy.”
Ireachedupandstrokedthehaironhischest.“Itrustyou,”Iwhisperedandmeantit.
Hegroanedanddroppedhislipstomine.Whilehekissedme,herubbedthetipofhiscockalongmy
opening.“Youhavenoideahowsexythatsentenceis.Especiallycomingfromyou.Getready.”
“I’vebeenready.”
Withhislipstomycollarbone,hechuckled.“Youcamethirtysecondsago,andyou’reraringtogo
again.”
“Please,hurry.”
Withmyplea,hestartedtosinkthetipinside.Itwasslowandtantalizing,butitwasthemostblissful
formoftortureinmyentirelife.
Whenhewascompletelyseatedtotheroot,hebegananothertorturousrhythmoflong,slowstrokes.
Thepressurebeganbuildingimmediately,andIknewitwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeanotherorgasm
rippedthroughme.
Heseemedtofeelthesameway,becauseitwasn’tlongbeforeheincreasedhispace.“I’mgoingto
takeyouhardnow.Canyouhandleit?”Hisfacecontortedinawashofpleasureandpain,asifholding
himselfbacknearlyhurt.
“Yes.Gofaster.Icantakeit.”
Hemademeproveit.
IclenchedhishipswithmyinnerthighsandheldonwhileLawtookmehardandfast.Hewrapped
one hand beneath my arm and up my back to hold onto the base of my neck. The grip helped him go
deeper,andatthesametime,mademefeelmoreconnectedtohim.Ourhipsslammedtogethersohard,I
was sure there’d be bruises. My hands roamed every inch of his skin, desperate to feel all of him, to
remindmyselfthismomentwasrealandnotsomethingI’dconjuredup.
“I’mclose,holdon.”
“I’mnearlythere,”Ipantedintothespacewherehismouthnearlytouchedmine.
“Waitforme.”Heangledthisthrustsjustrightsothetopofhispubicbonerubbedagainstmyclit.By
thethirdbrushofhispelvis,Istartedtofallovertheedge.
“Law,”Icried.
Itightenedaroundhim,andheseatedhimselfdeepashisownorgasmwashedoverhim.Heburiedhis
faceinmyneckandwhisperedmynameoverandoveragain.
“Fuck,Cami,fuckme.Areyouallright,beautiful?”Hishandbehindmybackstrokedmyneck,while
heplantedhisotherelbowinthebedtosupporthisweightandbrushedthehairoutofmyface.
Emotionchokedme.“I’mperfect,”Imanagedtosqueezethroughthetightnessofmythroat.
“Ah,baby,Iknow.Ifeelit,too.”
Weheldontoeachotherwhileourheartbeatsreturnedtonormalandthechaoticemotionsbeganto
fade.Lawcarefullyslippedoutofmeandwentintomymasterbath.Thetoiletflushedandthetapturned
onandoff,andthenhewasbackwithadamprag.Hehookedmearoundthethighandcleanedmeoff.
“Thanks,”Isaidafterheditchedtheraginthebathroomandreturnedtothebedasecondtime.
“I’vegottogetgoing.Somethingstotakecareofatwork.KissmebeforeIgo.”
Those words warmed my heart. The entire day had blown my mind; in a way, I was still trying to
processifitwasreal.
I didn’t keep him waiting since he had work to do. Putting an elbow to the pillows, I sat up and
pressedmylipsagainsthis.
“Haveagoodrestoftheday,beautiful.”
Myeyelidsflutteredclosedatthesweetnessofitall.WhenIopenedthem,hewasstridingtowards
thehall.“You,too.”
Itseemedinadequate,butnotasawkwardas‘thankyou’orrunningafterhimandprofessingmylove,
bothofwhichwerepossibilities.
He strode out the door and into the hall. The jangling of his belt buckle told me he was getting
dressed,andIsmiledtomyself,animageofhimstandingnakedinmyhallwayfloatingthroughmymind.
Hisheadpokedaroundthedoorframe,andIquicklywipedthegoofysmileoffmyface.
IfIhadn’t,hiswordswouldhavedoneitforme.
“Oh,andhavefunnotthinkingaboutmewhileyou’reonyourdatetonight.”Withasmirk,heleft.
Secondslater,thefrontdooropenedandclosed,andafewsecondsafterthat,Iheardtheroarofhis
enginefiringtolife.
Thatson-of-a-bitch.
***
Needlesstosay,IcancelledmydatewithNathanthatnight.ItextedLawtotellhimso,butdidn’tknowif
hegotit,becauseheneverresponded.
Lawwasbackonmyshitlist.
Ididn’tknowifshitlistsusuallyincludedpeopleyouwantedtohavesexwith,butminedid.
Andhewastheonlypersononit.
8.
ThefollowingdaywasThanksgiving,andEvelynandIspentitthewaywealwaysdid.Bygivingback.
Sinceit’salwaysbeenthetwoofus,I’dfeltsillyearlyontryingtocookusabigThanksgivingmeal.I
createdasolutionthatheldtothetruemeaningoftheholiday.
I’d learned a lot during my childhood about poverty. My parents didn’t have much, and when they
died,RitchieandIhadnothing.Ilearnedtoworkhardthroughcircumstance,andusedthatknowledgeto
createalifeformydaughterwhereshedidn’thavetoworryaboutmoney,food,ornecessitieslikeIdid.
ThatmeantIhadtodowhatIcouldtoteachheraboutworkinghardinotherways,bydonatingourtime
andtalentstothosewhodidn’thavewhatwedid.
Three times a year I required her to do something selfless, and apart from Thanksgiving, she got to
choosewhatthatwas.
This past summer, she donated thirty hours of her time to community clean up picking up trash, and
earlierlastspring,shevolunteeredduringactivity-timeatthelocaladultgrouphome.
Thanksgiving was the time we’d volunteer together at the soup kitchen one town over and provide
meals to those in our county who couldn’t afford to buy their own. Throughout the day, the volunteers
staggeredtheirbreaksandatetheirThanksgivingmealwiththepeoplewhocametoseeus.
Myhopewastoteachhernotonlytobekindandhelpfultothoselessfortunate,butalsothehumility
toseethemasthepeopletheyreallywere.
Distractedbytheupcomingholiday,Ididn’tnoticeIhadn’theardfromLawuntilaftermyappointment
on Friday. The doctor cleared me from the crutches, and instructed me to tape my foot and start some
stretchesformyankle.WhenIwenttotextthegoodnews,Irealizedthere’dbeenradiosilence.
WhatwasIsupposedtodo?
Ididn’twanttoseemneedybyreachingoutwhenheclearlyhadn’tthoughtofme.Ishotoutatextto
Kiersten,tuckedmyphonebackinmypurse,andwentonmywayhome.
Thatnight,EvelynandIgotourmani/pedis.
Iwenttobedwithoutatext.
***
Theweekendcameandwent.
Sunday night, while Evelyn was doing homework, I sent him a text asking if he was still in town. I
rememberedwhathe’dsaidthatnightatthegrocerystore,aboutlivinginArrowCreeknow,butmaybehe
hadtogobackhometodealwithsomeofhisfather’saffairs.
Justbecausewesharedafewhoursofmindblowingintimacydidn’tmakehimaccountabletome.
Heneverresponded.
***
Aweekwentby.
Thentwo.
Thenthree.
Stillnothing.
***
December 16
th
—my birthday. As of today, I officially entered a new decade. I kissed my twenties
goodbyeandgreetedmythirtiesbywakingupattheasscrackofdawn,packingashovelandalawnchair
inthetrunkofmycar,droppingEvelynoffatschool,anddrivingtothecemetery.
AftershovelingapathfromthemainwalkwaytoRitchie’splotandclearingaspottosit,Ibroughtthe
shovelbacktothecar,andhauledmylawnchair,theblanket,andtwoflasksofbourbonbacktohisgrave.
Asswentinthechair,blanketcoveredmylap,oneflaskrestedagainsttheguitaronhisheadstone,and
theotherwasinmyhand.
Wasitmorbidspendingeverybirthdaywithmydeadbrother?Mostlikelyyes,butIdidn’tcare.When
Iwaslonely,IfeltmoreateaseherewithRitchiethanIdidinmyownhouse.
“Hey, Witchy Ritchie. Your sister’s turning into an old lady. I’m sort of pissed you aren’t here to
experiencethiswithme.ThismorningIfoundagrayhaironmyhead.Doyouthinkwhatmomusedtosay
is true? That for every gray hair you pull, three more grow in its place? If so, I’m screwed, because I
yankedthatsuckeroutwithouteventhinkingtwice.”
Itookaswigfromtheflask.
“IfIcouldseeyou,I’msureyou’dbeshakingyourheadatmerightnowandrubbingthebackofit
likeyoualwaysdidwhenIwasabouttogetintotrouble.”
Asmilespreadacrossmyfaceatthememory.ItwashistellwhenIwasdiggingmyselfintoahole.I
couldeasilypicturehimstandingsomewherebehindmomordadandfranticallyrubbingthebackofhis
head as if trying to tell me to cut it out. It never worked. I was too stubborn to listen to my wise big
brother.
“Hearthatbigbrother?Ijustcalledyouwise.”
TheonlyanswerIreceivedwasanarcticwindblowingacrossmyface.Iwasusedtoit.Alittlecold
wouldn’tscaremeaway.
“Henevercalled,Ritchie.Hedidn’tanswermytext,”Iwhispereddejectedly.“Ithoughtushavingsex
washiswayofsayinghewaswillingtoworkonputtingthepastbehindus.I’mnotnaïve.”Icrinkledmy
noseandtippedtheflaskintomymouth.“Ididn’tthinkweweresuddenlybacktogetherandeverything
washunky–dory.But,Ithoughtwe’dbesomethingmorethanthis.”
The sun started to peek out from behind the clouds; the warm rays a welcome surprise. “He didn’t
evenwishme‘HappyThanksgiving’.Whatdoyouthinkmychancesarefora‘HappyBirthday’text?”
Fromsomewhereinthedirectionofthehighway,acarloudlyhonked.
“Yeah,meneither.”
IstaredatmyfingersasIfiddledwiththeflask.Iplayedwiththecap,twistinganduntwistingit,and
passeditfromhandtohand.ItriedmeditatinginsomeformoranotherwhileIsoakedinthistimewith
Ritchie,butnomatterwhatIdid,Iremainedrestless.
WhenIhadawarmbuzzgoing,Icrouchedinfrontoftheheadstone,uncappedthesecondflask,and
poureditoutinthesnow.Itossedtheemptyflaskinthedirectionofmychair.Crossingmyarmsonthe
coldmarble,Irestedmyheadagainstthem.
“I know this isn’t what you asked for, and I know it makes me selfish to do what I want instead of
whatyouasked.Ialsoknowyou’dunderstand.Andifyoudon’t,that’sjustmean,becauseIvisityouall
thetime.”
Awarmtearrandownmycheek.Iroughlyswipedatitbeforeitcouldfreezeonmyskin.
And,thealcoholcarriedmebacktooneofthelasttimesIsawRitchiealive.
Fourteenyearsearlier...
IdrovemyredHondaaroundthecirculardriveatthefrontofSt.Margaret’sHospiceCenter.Achill
hadsettledwithinmeinawayIknewitwasn’tgoingtoleave.EachtimeImadethedrivetothisplace,I
wasmorefrightenedthanthelast.
Butthistimesignaledtheend.
I’dneverfeltmorealonethanIdidpushingthroughtheheavydoorsintothereceptionareaforoneof
thelasttimes.
McKaylasatbehindthelonewhitedeskandgreetedmewithasmall,sadsmile,hereyesdriftingto
takeinmyheavilypregnantbelly.Ididn’thaveitinmetowave.IofferedwhatsemblanceofasmileI
couldinreturn,andhikedmytotefurtherupmyshoulderasImademywaythroughthefamiliarhallsto
Ritchie’sroom.
Iknockedtwiceandpusheditopen,callingout,“Hey,Witchy.”
“Hey.” Even that one word was too much, as he immediately started coughing. It took longer than
usual for him to catch his breath. My heart froze in my chest with each second that ticked past and he
continuedtostruggle.
Itwasmorerealthaneverthathewasheretodiealone,andIwasresponsiblefornotbeingherewith
him.
“I’msorryIhadtocomesoearly.Istartmynewjobtomorrow,andtheyneedtotrainme.Icouldn’t...
Itriedtomovemystartdate,but...Ineedthemoney.”Myvoicedroppedtoasorrowfultone.“I’dnever
leaveifitwerepossible,butthebabywillbehereinlessthantwomonths.”
“Igetit,”hesaidslowly.
Evenspeakingtookalotofenergyfromhim,andIremindedmyselfnottoleavemysentencesopen
forresponses.
“Anyway,happyearlybirthday,bigbrother.Ibroughtyousomething.”
HetrackedmewithhiseyesasIcrossedtheroomandsatdownonthesideofhisbed.Hewasso
thin,Ihatedit.Itbrokemetoseehimthisway.
MyhandstrembledasIdugthroughmytotetofindthebottleofdarkamberliquid.Ipulleditfrom
beneathmyextrasweatshirtandshowedittohimwithaflourish.“Ta-da!Ithoughtwecouldshare,but
I’mobviouslyunabletosoit’sforyou.”
Scooting back on the bed so that I was sitting beside him, I uncapped the bourbon and offered it. I
nudgedhisfraillegwithmyown.
“Here.”Iheldthebottletohislips.Hetippedhisheadatinybit,andIpouredsomein.
Heswallowednoisilyandgroaned.“That’sgood,sis.Wheredid...yougetit?”
Ismiledandtwistedthecapbackon.“Well,itturnsoutinthetownI’mlivingintheliquorstoreclerk
doesn’tcardtheyoungpregnantgirl.IsupposehethoughtifI’moldenoughtobepregnant,Ishouldbeold
enoughtodrink,butI’mnotsurewhatthatsaysifhethinksIintendtodrinkitinthisstate.”Ilookeddown
tomyroundbelly.
“Youwalkedright...inand...boughtit?”Hestartedcoughingagain,soIofferedhimanothersip.He
winkedatmeandopenedhismouth.
“Yep.”
“Bold.”
“Stupid,butIhadtogetyousomething.Youonlyturntwenty-oneonce.”
His hand shifted beneath the thick blankets I brought him the last time I came, so I dug it out and
wrappeditinmine.Itwascold,eventhoughtheheatwascrankedup.Iclaspedhimtightly.
“WhenIdie...”
“Ritchie,stop.”
“Listen,”hebarked,andforamoment,hesoundedliketheoldRitchie.Hisvoicecameoutclearand
strong,andIwantedtobottleitupandtakeitwithmesoIcouldlistentoitwhereverIwent.
“WhenIdie,youhavetovisitme.Onmybirthday...bringthat,”hetippedhisheadtowardsthebottle
inmylap.“Andhaveadrink.Everybirthdayso...youcanrelaxforone...day.”
“Idon’tknowifI’lleverbereadytogobacktoLogansville,butwhenIam,I’llbethere.”
Hegentlysqueezedmyhand.“Isavedsomeofthemoney...andboughtaplotin...ArrowCreek.”
“What?Thatmoneywassupposedtobeforyourtreatment!”Istartedtrembling.“Youhavetogetthat
moneyback.Wecoulddoanotherroundrightnow!I’mgoingtogogetthedirectorandyourdoctoronthe
phone.”Itriedtogetup,buthetuggedatmyarm.
“Theyboth...know.Lookatme,Cam.”
I did. Reluctantly. Knowing what he was about to say hit me like a truck, and it became hard to
breathe.Please,God,no.Hedidn’t.
“Irefusedtreatment–ˮ
“No!”Thescreamtoreoutofmelikeagunshotandricochetedaroundtheroom.“Whywouldyoudo
that?Don’tyouknowIneedyou?”
“I’mreadytodie.I’mnotgetting...better.It’sbeen...years.”Acoughovercamehim,asiftheuniverse
was trying to prove his point. Once he caught his breath, he continued. “It’s only a matter of time. You
haveanew...job.Thebaby.Youcan’tspend...yourtimeworryingabout...me.I’mreadytogo.”
Thegravityofthesituationbecametoomuch,andIcollapsedintotearsacrosshisbody,asifIcould
useminetoprotecthimfromdeath.
I couldn’t, and I knew that. Death would rip him straight out from under me, and it was going to
happensoonerthanIwasreadyfor.Hell,I’dneverbeready.
Herubbedmyswollenstomach.“You’regoingtobeagreatmom.Yourlovefor...herwillhelpyou
withyour...grief.”
Iglaredathim.“Iloveyou,butIhateyousomuchrightnow.Idon’twanttoeversaygoodbye.”Sobs
wrackedmybody.‘Goodbye’wassopermanent,andtherewasnothinggoodaboutit.
“Come here.” He opened his frail arms, and I hoisted my big belly up the bed and settled into the
curveofhisarmpit.Heheldme.
Itfeltwrong.Ishould’veheldhim.Ishould’vecomfortedhim,knowinghewasrightandthathisdeath
wasonthehorizon.ButIwasscaredandIwasselfish.So,IlethimholdmewhileIcried.
WhenI’dcalmed,hedriedmytearswiththecornerofhisblanketandkissedthesideofmyhead.
“Justsoyouknow...youstink.”
Alaughbubbledout.“Youdo,too.”
“Yeah,wellI’mdying...so.”
Isatstraightupinthebedandturnedaroundtoglareathim.“That’snotevenremotelyfunny.”
“Iknow.Onemoredrink.You’vegottogo.It’sgetting...late.Newjobtomorrow.”
Igavehimanotherswig,andalittleleakedoutofthecornerofhismouth.Igrabbedatissuefromthe
boxonhisnightstandandcarefullydabbeditaway.HestaredmedeadintheeyewhileIdidit,almostas
ifhewerewillingmetounderstandandbeokay.
HehadtohaveknownthatI’dneverbeokay.
NotwithbeingforcedtoleavehimandLogansville,notwithraisingababyatsixteen,notwithhim
dying.Ididn’tknowhowI’devercomebackfromallofthat.
Ididn’tknowifIevenwantedto.
I had to, though, because if Ritchie dying taught me anything, it was that so many lives are ripped
awaywithoutwarningorreason,andformetogiveupbecausemylifewastoohardwouldbeinsulting.
Hewasrightaboutmeneedingtoleave,butinthatmoment,thethoughtofwalkingoutthatdoorand
neverseeinghimagainnearlykilledme.Mykneeswereweakandshaking,andIdidn’tthinkthey’deven
holdmeuplongenoughtodoit.Icouldfeelmyheartsplittingintotwo.Icouldn’t.Icouldn’tdoit.
“Ican’tdoit.”
“Youhaveto.”
“Ic-c-can’t.”Tearstraileddownmycheeks.
“Youhaveto.”
“Pleasedon’tmakemeleaveyou.”
“I’mgoingtomissyou,too,sis,butIdon’twantyoudrivingallthewayhomeafterdark.”
“StopminimizingwhatI’mfeeling.”Istartedgettingangry.
“I’mnot.”Hewasserious,andathistone,Iinstantlyquieted.“Iloveyou,andIknowyou’redying
inside because... if our places were reversed... I would be, too. But I can’t... stop this from happening
and...neithercan...you.So,go.Learningtoliveonyourown...begins...now.Whenever...youneedme...
visitme.I’llbewaiting.”
I grabbed another tissue and wiped my own face, and fought against every instinct in my body that
wanted to break down again. Leaning over the bedrail the best I could with my big belly in the way, I
tucked his blanket higher on his chest and kissed his cheek. I touched his bald head and patted his
shoulderandgrippedhishand.Stalling.
“Iwon’tsaygoodbye.”
“Thendon’t.”
“Iwon’t.ButIwillsayI’mgoingtomissyou.”Myvoicecracked,andIswallowedhard.“And,”I
swallowedagain.“ThatIloveyou,Witchy.”
“Iloveyou,too.Nowgo.”
Igatheredmytoteandheldmyfingerstomylips.Welockedeyesinthedoorway,butneitherofus
spokeanotherword.
Andsomehow,Iforcedmyselftoturnandwalkout,leavingmybrotherbehind.
Itookadetourhomethatnight.IdrovethehourandahalfintheoppositedirectiontoLogansville,up
anddownmyoldneighborhoodstreets.ThelightswereoninmyoldhomeasIpassed.Anewfamilyhad
movedinoverthepastmonth.Shadowscrossedtheclosedcurtains,andI’dsentupasilentprayerthat
theyhadmoreluckinthathomethanmyfamilydid.
Out of habit, I found myself parked across from Law’s house, and it wasn’t until then that I finally
cried.Adambrokeandthesobsrippedthroughmeatafrighteningpace.Icouldn’tcatchmybreath.In
thatmoment,itwasokay.Iwasn’tsureIwantedtobreatheagaininaworldthatRitchiewasn’tgoingto
bein.
Headlights pooled over my car, and I ducked like a coward, frantically swiping at the tears that
continuedtofall.Atruckdrovepassed.Thatwasmycuetogetontheroadhome.Ididn’twantanyoneto
seemethere.
Ittookthree-and-a-halfhourstogetbacktomyapartment,andtheentirewaythere,Iclutchedmycell
phoneforthecallIwasdreading.
Itcamethreedayslater,onRitchie’sactualbirthdate.Hewasgone.
***
I’d finished my flask some time ago and tossed it in the direction of the other one. I stayed leaning up
againsttheheadstone,clutchingitforsupport.Iwasdrunk.Thefrontofmyjeanswassoaked,andtheicy
coldnessseepeddeepintomyknees,butIcouldn’treallyfeelit.
Icouldn’tfeelmuchofanything.Mostly,Iwasnumb.Numbandselfishandsad.
“So,yousee,brother,”Islurred.“Youwantedmetovisityouonyourbirthday,andinsteadIonlyvisit
onmine.BecauseI’mselfish.Though,it’smostlybecauseithurtssodamnmuch.”
“He’snotalone,”Law’sdeepvoicerumbledfrombehindme.“Nicesetup.Youdothisoften?”
“Goaway,”Igroanedanddroppedmyhandsintothesnow.
“Ivisithimonhisbirthday.Everyone.”
“Don’tyouhaveanythingbettertodo,likesay,liveyourownlife?Whydoyoukeepstalkingmeat
thecemetery?Thisisn’tromantic.”
“Thoughtyoumightneedsomecompanytoday.”
Hewaspissingmeoff.Irolledoffmykneesandontomyassinthesnow,andtiltedmyfacetohis.“Is
yourphonebroken?”
Heranapalmdownhisfaceanddroppedittohisside.Twolinesappearedbetweenhisbrowswhen
theycrinkledinconcern.“Oh,Cami,youlooklikeshit,darlin’.”
“Justgoaway.”
“Itriedthat.Morethanonce.I’mfindingithardtostayaway.”
“Icouldgiveyouareason,”Imuttered,knowingitwasthetruth,butnotknowingifIcouldgothrough
withit.
Hechosetoignoreme.“Timetogo,beforeyougetsick.”
“Whatmakesyouthinkyoucanbossmearound?”
“I’mnotdebatingthiswithyou.You’vebeenoutheregodknowshowlong,you’resoakingwet,drunk
enoughtonotfeelthepain,andit’sthirty-fuckingdegreesoutside.I’mnotleavingyouheartocatchyour
death.”
Isnorted.“Nicechoiceofwords.”
The gap between us closed in three large strides from Law, and he crouched in front of me. I sank
backintotheheadstone,butthemarbledidn’tgiveway.Iwastrapped.Cuppinghishands,hegatheredmy
faceinhiswarmpalmsandtookmylips.
Warmth swelled through my limbs, replacing the bone-deep chill. My mind blanked of the thoughts
thathadplaguedmeallmorning.AllIcouldfocusonwasthefeelofhislipstakingmine.Instantly,my
nipplesswelledandhardenedandthatthrobbingacheawokebetweenmythighs,demandingtobedealt
with.IwassofargoneIwouldn’tprotesttobeingthrowntothegroundandtakenrighthere...
A fit of giggles stole over me. My hands sought out his chest, and at contact, I pushed with all the
strengthIcouldmuster.
Lawstumbledbackastep,nearlyfallingonhisass,andIeruptedintolaughteragain.
“Whatthehell?”
“Iwasjustthinking,”Istopped,tryingtocatchmybreath.“Ritchiewouldhavebeenhorrifiedtoknow
whatweweredoing.Onhisgraveofallplaces.”
The corners of Law’s lips twitched, and he gazed at the marbled stone. “I think he would’a been
pleasedashell.”
“Doyoureally?”Theuncertaintyrangclearbetweenus.
“Ido,”heansweredsoftly.“Notadoubtaboutit.”
Igazedatthestoneandnoddedmyhead.“I’mreadytogonow.”Iplantedmyhandsontheheadstone,
intendingonhoistingmyselfup,butbeforeIcould,Lawgrippedmeunderneathmyarmsandliftedme.
When I was steady, he didn’t let me go. Not completely. He encircled my shoulders with his arm and
guidedmeintohisside.
Webothlookedtotheheadstone,lostinourthoughts,untilLawbrokethesilence.Heplacedakisson
thesideofmyhead.“Firstbirthdayinalongtimethethreeofusweretogether.Can’tpromiseI’llbehere
fortherest,butgladIcouldbehereforthisone.”
“Metoo.”Ididn’thaveitinmetotrytointerpretthemeaningbehindhiswords,soforthetimebeing,
Iletthemgo.
Law released me and helped me gather my things. We got in his truck, and he drove me home. The
goodbyeswerequick.Hedidn’tlinger,andneitherdidI.Therealizationhadhitduringthedrivethatwhat
wasgoingtohappenwouldhappeninitsowntime.
IstillhadsecretstosharewithLaw,secretsIwasn’tevensureIcouldshare.UntilIdidthat,Ihadno
businessexpectinghimtobeanythingtome.Hewasn’tmine.
9.
“Hey,Cami!”Nathancalledfromthedriver’sseatwhenIwalkedintotheambulancegaragethenextday.
We hadn’t seen or talked to one another since I called off our date. I wasn’t sure how things would be
betweenus.Thefamiliarwayhegreetedmeimmediatelysetmeatease.
“Hey,how’sitgoing?”
TheclankofmylockerechoedaroundusasIopenedittoputmypurseandcoataway.
“Things are good. Glad to have you back. How’s the foot?” He looked to where I was currently
switchingoutmywinterbootsformyworkones.
“Muchbetter.”Iflexedthefootbackandforthasiftoproveit.“Stillbruised,andI’vebeentapingit.
Thestretchesthedoctortoldmetodohavehelpedalot.”
“Good.Ididn’twanttohavetopullyourdeadweightaroundoranything.Although,itwouldn’tbe
muchdifferentthanworkingwithRalphthepastweek.Themandoesashitjob.”
Iwidenedmyeyesathim.“That’snotnice.Justbecauseherefusestoleavethedriver’sseatonmost
callsandwon’twalkupmorethanfivestairsatatime,doesn’tmeanhe’sabadmedic.”
“Um,yesitdoes.”Nathanclimbedoutoftheambulanceandintothebacktotakeinventory.
“Yeah,you’reright.SorryIleftyouhanginglikethat.”Istrappedmyradioonandwaswalkingaround
the back when Nathan suddenly jumped out. My heart skipped a beat. “Good god, could you warn a
personfirst?”
“Where’s the fun in that? Speaking of leaving me hanging, I’ve been thinking about the date you
cancelled.”
Oh,shit.Iclosedthedoorsonthebackoftherig.“Itwasn’tadate.”
“Thenreschedulingshouldn’tbeanissue,sincefriendshangoutallthetime.”Hegrinnedatme.His
confidencereallysuckedsometimes.Ifhewereevenalittleunsureofhimself,itwould’vebeeneasierto
tellhimno.Asitwas,heknewhewasbeingcute.
I went fourteen years without a single man in my life, and in the span of a few weeks, I’m
overwhelmedbytwoofthem.Whatinthehell,universe?Comeon.
“Nathan,”Isighed.“I’dbealiarifIsaidIdidn’tlikeyou.Wegetalonggreat.It’sjust,Ineedtokeep
myworkandpersonallifeseparate.ThisisallI’vegotgoingforEvelynandme.Istartedworkingherein
receptionatseventeen.Idon’tknowhowtodoanythingelse.Ifthingsweretosourbetweenus,I’dhave
nowhereelsetogo.AndyouknowhowmuchIneedthisjob.”
Hisfacewasawashofconcern,sympathy,andunderstanding.
“Thatsaid,wecangooutasfriends.KierstenandIhaveatraditiontogooutthenightbeforeNew
Year’sEve.Getfancy,havesomedrinks,dance.You’rewelcometojoinusandbringsomefriends.”
Herubbedthebackofhisneck.“Ifit’sthebestyoucando,I’lltakeit.Fornow.MaybeIcangetyou
tochangeyourmind.”
Ireachedoutandpattedhisbicep.“Youcan’t.I’msorrytobeblunt,butI’mnotgoingtostringyou
along. After what you went through with your wife, you deserve a good woman. One who’ll treat you
right.” My hand fell to my side and I climbed in the passenger door. Our radios clicked from dispatch
withacallaboutacaraccident.Savedbythebell.Ileanedoutmywindowandslappedthesideofthe
vehicle.“Climbinpartner!Timetodowork!”
Nathan hopped in the driver’s side and rolled his eyes as he fired the ambulance to life. “Even if I
wasn’tyourpartner,Icouldtellyou’vebeenoffworkforawhile.Nobodyisthatenthusiasticaboutthis
job.Ever.”
“Ican’thelpit.I’vebeensobored.”
“Right.Newrule.Ifyouaren’tgoingtogooutwithme,you’vegottastopbeingsodamncute.”
ThatwasacomplimentI’dlethimgetawaywith.
Nathanpulledusoutofthegarage.Thesirenwhoopedtowarnthecarswaitingattheintersectionwe
werecoming,andtheredandbluelightsflashedcontinuously.Wewereonourway.
Ourrelationshipseemedmostlybacktonormal.OneofthethingsIlikedmostwashowgenuinehe
was. He didn’t hold a grudge for something he had no control over. He also didn’t try to make me
uncomfortableforturninghimdown.
I’dneveradmititoutloud,butIhadn’tcompletelylockedawaytheideaofdatinghim.Therewasa
smallattractionthere,oneI’drefusedtoacknowledgeuntilhekissedmeintheemergencyroom.
ItwasjustthatmylifewastoocrazynowthatLawwasback.Myemotionswereonoverdrive,andI
didn’t have that first clue to what it meant seeing him again. For years, I’d committed myself to being
alone,andIwascontentwiththepictureI’dconjuredofthatlife.I’dlongforgottenaboutlivingalifeof
love.ThelovefromEvelynhadbeenenough.Itstillwas.
SomethingstirredinsideofmewhenLawcameback,andthemoretimehespentaround,flirtingwith
thepossibilityofbeingtogether,themoreopenIwastoexploringwhatthatmeant.I’dalsoconsideredthe
likelihoodofthatneedstickingaroundifLawandIdidn’tworkoutanyfurtherthanwhatwe’dbeenthese
pastcouplemonths.
When I left home, I was still a child. Then I had a child of my own, and those first years were a
whirlwind. They were for every new parent. I was thrown into figuring out how to manage my
responsibilities and how to raise an infant at the same time. Those two tasks many thirty-year-old’s
strugglewithseparately.HowImanagedtofigurethemouttogetherasateen,I’llneverknow.
Focusoverrodeeveryaspectofmylife.Evelynwasmynumberonepriority,andinputtingherthere,
theothersfellintoline.Nextcamethejob,whichwastiedintomoney,andthatmoneybranchedoutinto
paying for bills and necessities. After the necessities came her wants, and my own wellbeing fell
somewherebehindthat.Sexwasn’tevenonthetable,letalonetryingtomanagearelationship.Afterthe
nightEvelynwasconceived,I’dconvincedmyselfI’dneverbevulnerableenoughtohavesexagain.In
my experience, it had been a game of manipulation. One I could never win, because I’d never be an
experiencedplayer.
That’swhatItoldmyself,andthenIblinkedandfourteenyearshadgoneby.
In that time frame, I’d built a beautiful life for my daughter and me. Our house was being paid off,
billswerepaidontime.Wedidn’tlivepaychecktopaycheck,evenonasingleincome,andI’dhadplenty
stashedawayinanemergencyfund.Icouldaffordtobuyustheextrasourheartsdesired.Weweren’trich
byanymeans,butwithonlythetwoofus,lifewascomfortable.ThefocusI’dputintogettingustherehad
recentlystartedtoconvertintoenjoyingthethingsI’dearned.
Thebiggestofallthosethingswasmyhappiness.
So,yeah,Lawshowingupinmylifechangedmyperspective.I’dworkedhardtogetwhereIwas,
and to dig myself out of the hole I landed myself in. That work was coming to an end. In five years,
Evelynwouldbegoingtocollegeorstartingajob,possiblymovingout.Fiveyears.Thatwasn’tmuch
timeatall.Inthegrandschemeoflife,itwaspracticallynothing.
I had to let Nathan go, completely free and clear. It wouldn’t be fair to him, but also to myself, to
stringhimalong.Ihadtobestrong.Ididn’tneedabackupplan.IfnothingcamefromLawandme,andI
wantedtocontinueexploringwhatwasoutthere,Icoulddoitonmyown.Withoutareserve.Ibelieved
lifewouldworkitselfoutthewayitwassupposedtointheend.
Thecrashwasatwo-vehicleaccidentonhighway31leadingoutofArrowCreek.Theflashinglights
fromthepolicecarsalreadyonsceneilluminatedtheroad.Trafficwasbackedupastheofficersclosed
thestretchofhighwayandredirectedcarscomingthrough.Nathanhadtodriveusaroundandupanexit
ramptoparkusclose,addingtotheorganizedfleetofemergencyvehicles.
FromwhatIcouldsee,aneighteen-wheelerwasparkedaquartermileuptheroadwithitshazards
on. A single, white Ford Escort faced south in the northbound lane, having spun at some point in the
accident. The car’s front end was scattered across the road, and what was left attached was crumpled,
twistedmetal.Carpartslitteredtheasphalt.
Enroute,weweretoldtherewerethreevictims—thetruckdriverandthedriverandpassengerofthe
car.
Thetruckdriverstoodoutsideofhistruck,liftinghiscapandrunningahandoverhishairrepeatedly.
He’dplacethehatbackononlytoliftitupagainsecondslater.
Ayoungmalesatontheshoulderofthehighwaywithapoliceofficer,andthedriveroftheFord,an
olderwoman,remainedinthevehicle.
“I’mgoingtothecar;yougocheckoutthekid.”
Nathannoddedandtookoffinthatdirection,andIapproachedthevehicle.
“Ma’am,mynameisCamiandI’maparamedic.Canyoutellmeyourname?”
Her eyes were open, though wide with fright. Her chest rose with quick shallow breaths. When I
spoketoher,shemovedhereyesinmydirection.Thatwasagoodsign.Shewasresponsive.
“Cecilia.”Hersoftvoicetrembled.“Weweregoingtodinner,m-mysonandm-m-me.Whereishe?I
can’tturnmyhead.Thismanishurtingme.”Shebeganlookingaroundfrantically.
“Cecilia.Lookatme.”
Hergazeshotbacktomine.Iheldhereyesandkeptmyvoicecalmandsteady.“Yoursonisbeing
looked at by my partner, Nathan. He’s really good at his job. You can see him soon. There’s a police
officerholdingyourheadsteady.Ineedyoutoholdstillandnotmove.Youcouldhaveaneckinjury.I’m
going to put this around your neck.” I held up the c-collar for her to see. Most people have seen these
before,butthatdidn’tmakewearingoneanylessfrightening.“It’llhelpholdyourneckstill,okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good.Holdstill,anddon’ttrytohelpus.We’llgetitonyou.”
ShedidasIaskedanddidn’tmove.
“You’redoinggreat,Cecelia.I’mgoingtolistentoyourlungsandcheckyourpulse,okay?”
“Okay,”shewhispered.
The firefighters arrived on scene, ready to help lift her out of there. I unwound my stethoscope and
listenedtoherbreathing.Itwasfast,butherlungssoundedclear.Ireachedmyarmthroughthedriver’s
sidewindowandplacedmyfingersonherwrist.Pulsewasstrong.Good.
AsIpulledmyhandback,shelatchedontomywristwithasurprisinglystronggrip.
“Pleasedon’tleaveme.”
ItwistedmyarmsoIcouldsqueezeherhand.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.We’regoingtogetyouout
and take you to the hospital. I need to back up so the firefighters can get you out of there, but I’m not
leaving.I’llbeclosebytheentiretime.”
“Whataretheygoingtodowithme?”Herlipsquiveredasshespoke.
“Wewanttobecarefulwithyourspine,sothey’regoingtoplaceyouonalong,hardboardtokeepit
steady.Now,Idon’twantyoutotryandhelpatall,unlessyou’retoldto,okay?Youletthemmoveyou.I
promise,they’reallbig,strongmen.Youhangtight,andyou’llbeoutofthereinnotime.”
Theofficerinthecarwithherstartedtalkingtoher,soIranbacktoourtruckforthelongboard.The
towtruckarrived,andIwaitedtoletitpass.Acrowdhadgatheredonthesideoftheroadaspassersby
steppedoutoftheircarstowatchthesceneunfold.Irolledmyeyesattheamountofcellphonessnapping
photosandmostlikelyrecordingvideos.Nothingwasprivateinthisworldoftechnology.
SomethingcaughtmyeyesasIturnedtodomyjob.Thatsomethingbeingafamiliartruckparkedinthe
chaotic line of cars. My stomach squeezed and my heart leapt into my throat. Directly across from my
ambulancewasLaw.
Andhewasn’talone.
I was thankful he wasn’t one of the curious idiots standing on the side of the road with his arm
wrapped around the woman beside him, keeping her warm from the cold as they looked on at another
person’smisfortune.Thethoughtflittedfrommymindasthejealousyinvadedandforceditout.Myjob
called, but I was having trouble tearing my eyes away from the big-haired blonde sitting in his front
passengerseat.
Asifhefeltmyeyes,hisheadturnedinmydirection.Thatwasit.Theonlyindicationhegavetomy
existence.Hiseyesdidn’tflash;hedidn’tsmileorwave.Tohim,Iwasanyotheremergencypersonatthe
sceneofaninconvenientcrash.
Turningonabootedheel,IjoggedbackovertothewhiteFord.Withthehelpofthefirefighters,we
gotCeciliaoutofhervehicle,ontothelongboard,andstrappedtothegurney.
“Herecomesyourson,Cecilia.Let’sgetyououtofthecold.”
“Thankyou.”Sheheldoutherhand,andIgaveitareassuringsqueeze.
Nathanarrivedwithherson,whohadalargebandagetapedtohisforehead,andtogetherwegotthem
inthebackoftheambulance.Thehospitalwaslessthanfiveminutesfromtheaccidentlocation,sowe
hadthemthereinnotimeatall.
I was silent on the drive back to the garage. A little sad, but mostly trying to remain strong. Seeing
Lawwithanotherwomanwasalwaysapossibilityinthebackofmymind,butIdidn’tthinkit’dhappen
now. The man kissed me just yesterday. I still thought there was time to work things out between us. I
guessIwaswrong.
Nathanparkedinthegarage,andaftercleaningthebackoftheambulance,wewentinside.
“Youhungry?Icouldmakeyousomethingtoeat.”
“I’m good. I think I’m going to go lie down for a bit. I didn’t sleep well last night, and if it’s busy
tonight,Iwanttobewellrested.”
Concernflittedacrosshisface,andhegrippedthecountertop.“Yousureyou’reallright?”
“Yep.Don’tworry,I’mjusttired.”
Onehandleftthecountertoscrubthebackofhisneck.“Youwantsomecompany?”
WasheaskingwhatIthoughthewas?
The question must have shown on my face, because his blanched in response. He waved both his
palmsatme.“No,that’snotwhatImeant.Justfriendlycompany.Nothingmore.”
Tosavehimfromhimself,Ithrewhimalifeline.“Companywouldbenice.ButifyouturnontheTV,
youbetterkeepthevolumedown.Iwanttosleep.”
Hecaughtuptomeandnudgedmyshoulder.“ThenIwon’tbeabletohearoveryoursnoring.”
“Idonotsnore.”
Histeethsunkintohislowerlip,andheraisedhiseyebrows.“Youdo.Yousnorelikealionwitha
sorethroat.”
“Keepitup,andIwon’tletyouwatchTVatall.AndI’lleatthatpieceofcherrypieyouleftinthe
fridge.”
“Okay,okay,truce.Justdon’thurtthepie.”
“You’readork.”Islippedoffmyradioandcurledintothecouchcushion.Nathansatintheleather
reclinerbymyhead.
“You’readorable.”
I huffed but didn’t argue. The last thing I needed tonight was another conversation about the non-
relationshipbetweenthetwoofus.Anapwasontheagenda.
WhileNathanwatchedTV,Ididjustthat.
Luckwasonmyside;thenightwasslow.Icaughtuponsleep.And,somehow,ImanagedtokeepLaw
fromreappearinginmydreams.
***
“Ihavetoknowthedetails.Howhaveyoubeenholdingoutonmeforsolong?”
“Ihaven’tbeen.We’vebothbeenbusy.”
Kiersten glared at me over the rim of her wine glass. She swirled the dry red before draining it.
“That’scrapandyouknowit.”
Islidthebottletowardsherwiththesideofmyarmsincemyfingerscurrentlylookedlikechocolate
drizzledpretzels.“You’rewrong.TheonlyreasonwhyitfeelslikeI’vebeenholdingoutis–ˮ
“Becauseyouhavebeen!”
“IsbecauseIactuallyhavesomethinginterestinghappeninginmylifeandyou’reimpatient,iswhatI
wasgoingtosay,”Igrumbled,pullinganotherpieceofwaxpapertowardsme.
Kiersten watched the excess chocolate drip from the peanut butter Ritz sandwich she was currently
dipping.“Thatmaybetrue,however,itdoesn’texcusethefactyoudidn’ttellmerightaway,busyornot.
Youcouldhavecalledme.Iwouldhavedriventhroughafreakin’blizzardtohearyouspillthedeetson
sexwiththathottie.”
Chocolatesplatteredonmycheeks.ThecookieIwasdippingslippedbackintothebowl.
“Areyouateenager?Iswear,you’reateenager.”
“Why?”
“Becausewhotalkslikethat?Please,stop,beforeyoustartreferringtohimassex-on-a-stick.”
“IwasgoingtosayIwouldn’tmindagoodjean-jerkingwithhim.”
Myjawflewopen.“You’reoutrageous.Whatthehellisjean-jerking?”
“Oh,mydearsweetCami.Yourinnocenceastoundsme.”
Achocolatecoveredforkflewinherdirection.“Drinkyourdamnwine.”
“Jean-jerkingislikedryhumping.”
“Sowhynotjustsaydryhumping?”Ilickedtheredwinefrommylips.“Ugh.Idon’tknowwhyI’m
evenparticipatinginthisconversation.”
“ThisiswhyIwishyou’dgoonmoredates.Yougetsoflusteredoverthesmallestsextalk.”
“Idonot.”Imumbledaroundtherimofmyglass.
Theovenalarmsounded,savingmefromthisconversation.Thefirstbatchofsugarcookieswasdone.
Iswappedthemoutfortherawdoughandplacedthecookiesheetonthestovegratestocool.
KierstenandIwerehavingourannualChristmascookiebake-a-thon.Really,itwasanexcusetodrink
wineandunwind.WestartedthetraditionwhenEvelynwasfiveandIhadn’thadasingledaywithouther
sinceshewasborn.
IworkedsomuchthatIfeltguiltygettingababysitter,andevenifImanagedtofindsomeonetowatch
her, I didn’t have friends to hang out with. Once Kiersten entered my life, she took pity on my lack of
sociallifeandmadesuretofindmesomekid-freetime.
ThatmorphedintoherbecomingAuntKiersten,andshetookEvelynoffmyhandswheneverIneeded
abreak.Iowedsomuchofmysanitytoher,butImostlyjustpaidherinfreealcohol.
“Youdo.”ShepickeduptheconversationwhereIwashopingitstayeddropped.“WhichIget.It’dbe
nicetoseeyoutry,though.You’rewastingabeautifulpersononalifeofloneliness.”
“I’mgoingtotry.”IkeptmyeyestrainedonthesugarcookiesIwastransferringtothecoolingrack.
“Wait,what?”
Ishrugged.“IsaidI’dtry.ThisthingwithLawiswhateverthehellitis.Onlytimewilltell.Onthe
chanceitdoesn’tamounttoanything,I’mgoingtoremainopentodating.I’mnotgoingtoshutdownand
self-destruct.”
Kierstensquealed.“Oh,Ican’tfreakin’waittohearallyourdatingadventures.I’mopentohanging
withEvelynwheneveryouwanttogoout.Except,ofcourse,ifIhaveadate.”
“Whichisbasicallyeveryweekend.”
Wegrinnedatoneanother.
“Areyoureallyhappy,though?IfthingswithLawdon’tdevelopanyfurther.”
“I’maboutreadytokissthatpossibilitygoodbyeasitis.Isawhimaroundtownwithawomaninhis
truck.Wehaven’ttalkedinawhile.Wehadthisamazing,mindblowingsexandthen...nothing.Notevena
text.” The oven timer went off again, so I moved in that direction. “Seeing him again has been good,
though.There’ssomeclosure.AndIamhappy.”
Sheeyedmeskepticallyandpoppedachocolatecoveredpretzelintohermouth.
“Iam.MylifeherewithEvelyn...It’smorethanIcouldhaveeverdreamedit’dbe.What’sthereto
notbehappyabout?”
Ichoseawhitechocolatedippedpirouettecookieandbitofftheend.
“Youdeservetohaveitall.”Shesaidsoberly.
“WithyouandEv,IalreadyfeellikeIdo.”
“Okay,enoughofthesappy.Morewine!”Kierstendeclared,toppingoffbothofourglasses.
IwasheddownthecookieIjustdevouredandsetmyglassdownonthecounter.
“Justsoyouknow,”Kierstenstarted.Iliftedmyeyestohers.“WhenwegooutnextFridayforNew
Year’s,you’regoingtofindsomeone.Idon’tcarewho,butifyouleavethatbarwithoutatleastaphone
number,I’mgoingtobepissed.”
“Maybe.”Ishruggedandsmiled.“But,Irefusetoforceit.”
“I’llforceit.”
Attemptingtokeephercalm,Ipickedupmyglassandreplied,“Okay,Kiersten.”
10.
“Byehoney,begoodforLori.I’llseeyouonMonday.”
Evelynrolledhereyesatmyendearmentbutwrappedherarmsaroundmywaist.“Iwill,mom.Have
funwithAuntKandhappyearlyNewYear.”
Ikissedhercheekandranmyfingersthroughherauburnhair.Itfellpastherwaistinsoftwaves.It
flewwildlybehindherasshejoggeddownthestepsandclimbedintothebackseatofLori’sblacksedan
whereMaggiewaswaving.
“Callmeifyouneedanythingatall.”
Lori turned at the sound of my voice from where she had been watching our girls. “It’s crazy how
muchthey’vegrownup,isn’tit?”Shetuckedashortlockofblondhairbehindherheavilypiercedear.“I
couldn’t believe it at first when Maggie asked to stay in a hotel over break for her birthday. What
happenedtohavingaregularsleepoverandplayingwithdolls?”
I laughed. “No kidding. You’re brave for hosting a big co-ed party at a pool. You’ll have to let me
knowhowmanydad’sstickaroundtokeepaneyeonthoseboysaroundtheirdaughters.”
“Somethingtellsmeit’snottheboysIhavetoworryabout.”Shemadeafaceofmockhorror,andwe
bothchuckled.
“That’sbecausewewerebothoncefourteen-year-oldgirls.Oncetheystartnoticingtheboys,it’sall
over.Teenagedramatrainfullspeedahead.”
Shesighedandreadjustedthestrapofherpurse.“Ibettergetgoing.There’sasnowstormcomingin
latetonight,andIknowMagsisanxioustogetthere.”
“Godspeed,woman.Ioweyouadrinkoncethisisallover.”
“Bye.Havefuntonight.”
“You,too,”Icalledandwatchedherclimbintothedriver’sseat.
Callitasideeffectofparenting,butitnevergoteasierlettingEvelyngoawaywithoutme.Ididn’t
havethetypicalexperienceoffamilysleepoverswhenshewasababy,butIdidhavetoleaveherwitha
sitter over night for my job starting when she was around four. The beginning of those nights were the
cruelestformoftorture.Ittookamonthformetohavesomesemblanceofcalmatwork,knowingshewas
atsomeoneelse’shouseovernight,wonderingifshewokeupfromabaddreamorwantedtocrawlinto
mybedjusttosnuggle,onlytofindIwasn’teventhere.
Wouldshecryforme?
WouldshethinkIabandonedher?
She’sateenager,andIstillwonderedifsheevermissedmewhileshewasgone,andifsheknewshe
couldalwayscomehomeifshewanted.
Whenshegoestocollege,Iwasgoingtobeacompletemess.
Iwaveduntiltheywereoutofsightthenmeanderedbackinsidetogetready.
ItwasthenightbeforeNewYear’sEve,whichmeantIneededtopullouteverypieceofmachineryin
mybeautyarsenal.ThiswastheonenightoftheyearIwentfullout.Styledhair,heavymakeup,expensive
shortdress,pencil-thinheels,andaccessoriesupthewazoo.Drinkswouldbeplentiful,andthere’dbeno
shortageofentertainment.Yes,Iwaslookingforwardtothis.
Mymasterbathturnedintobeautysalontimesonehundred.Themoss-greencountertopswerecovered
inlotions,powders,creams,tubes,bottles,brushes,clips,combs,bobbypins,elastics,sprays,andsoon
andsoforth.Acurlingwand,straightener,andbigbarrelcurlingironwereallpluggedin.Iwasdressed
in only a towel, and having just finished shaving all parts that needed to be shaved, I reached for the
lotion.
Iwassmooth,soft,andexfoliated.Timetogetdressed.
Turningthirtymusthavemessedwithmyhead,becauseIwentalloutthisyearwhenpickingoutmy
dress.Itwasthetext-bookdefinitionofLBD.Short,black,andstrappywithanopenback,trianglecutouts
beneathmybreasts,andspaghettithinstrapsthattiedaroundmid-back.Ihadacutelittlejackettogowith
itforstandingoutside.
Theshoeswereevenbetter.High,likeI’llbeluckyifIdon’tbreakmyneckhigh,withanopentoe
andanopenheel.Theylacedupthefrontandtiedaroundtheankle,andthefronthadcutoutsgoingupthe
foot.Theyweregorgeousandwentperfectlywiththedress.
Evelyn and I had gotten mani/pedis the day before, so I’d gone with fire engine red. I would have
doneFrenchtipsformyfingers,butIcouldn’tdomyjobwithlongnails.Thiswoulddo,andaddedapop
ofcolortomyoutfit.
Imanagedtoslithermyselfintothetightdressandtieditbehindmyback.ThenIwasontohairand
makeup.
Biganddarkwasthethemefortheevening.Wingedliner,smokyeyeinpurplesandgrays,cutcrease,
Ievenwentalloutandaddedashimmeringhighlighttomycontour.Mauve,mattelipstickwentonlast.I
transformedmyhairintoamassofbig,wavycurlsthatIlefttwistingdownmyback.
My phone rang from somewhere within the sea of makeup. I found it beneath a bag of brushes.
Kierstenflashedacrossthescreen.
“Hey,I’malmostready.”
“Rockon,bitch!I’mstandingonyourporch,andit’sfreezingouthere.”
“Where’syourkey?”IaskedasIwalkeddownthehalltoletherin.
“On my keyring. I just didn’t want to barge in. You’re unpredictable these days. Who knows who
you’rehidinginthere.”
Thedeadboltclicked,andIswungthedooropen.“WhoI’mhidinginhere?Goodgod,doyouever
thinkaboutanythingotherthansex?”Itappedthered‘endcall’buttonwithmythumbandsteppedbackto
letherin.
ThechillfromthelateDecemberwinterblewacrossallmyexposedskin.Itwassocoldthatitalmost
burned.
“Nope.A.D.I.D.A.S.”
“Ugh.The90’scalled.Theywanttheirmusicback.”Iwalkedbackdownthehalltoretrievemyshoes
frommybedroom.Kierstenfollowed.
“Theywanttheirjokesback,too.”
“Myjokeisn’tasbadasyoursexualreferences.”
“Andthatsongisn’tasbadasyourjoke.Thatsongwaspopularwellintothe2000’s.”
Stuffingafewmakeupstaplesintomyblackclutch,Ishotheramockglare.“Thisistrue.Youwin.”
“Woohoo!Firstround’sonyou!”
Istuckoutmytongue.
“AreNathanandhisfriendmeetingushereorthere?”
“Here.He’sourride.Wecancabithome.Ijustneedtocallhimwhenwe’reready.”Isatontheedge
ofmybedandtuggedonmygorgeousshoes.Afteradmiringthemmyself,Ishovedafootinherdirection.
“Whatchyathink?”
Shepushedmyfootdown,leanedovertograbmyhands,andpulledmeup.Cockingoutahip,sheput
ahandbeneathherchin,andranhereyesovermefromtoptotoe.“Freakin’gorgeous!”
“Thanks.Youlookfantastic,too.”
“I’mreadyifyouare.GiveNathanacall.”
After circling the bathroom to make sure everything was turned off, I followed her out to my living
room.“I’monit.”Iscrolledthroughmycontactlistandtappedhisname.Heansweredonthesecondring.
“Youladiesreadytoroll?”
“Wesureare.Makesureyouhavetheheatcrankedinyourtruck.”
“Alreadydo.JustpickedupRhett.We’reheadedyourwaynow.”
“Cool.”Forsomereason,nervestingledalongmyspine.
“Seeyousoon,”Nathanmurmuredandendedthecall.
Sadnesstingedtheedgesofmymood,andIdidn’twanttothinkaboutwhy.Ineededtoshakeitoff,
notdwellonit.
“Hey,youokay?”Kierstenasked,steppingupbesideme.
I smiled. “Yeah. Hey, I have an idea. Since we aren’t driving, let’s have a quick drink. One for the
ladies.”
“Ilikethewayyouthink.”
Shotglassesmeantextradishes,sowebumpedfromthebottleinstead.I’djustpassedittoKiersten
whenmyphonebuzzedwithatext.
Nathan:Getyourassesouthere;)
“They’rehere.”
Shetuckedthebottlebackintomycabinet,andweleft,lockingupbehindus.
***
ThebarwasinthedeadcenterofMainStreet.Rightinthemiddleofabusinessstrip,ittookuptwiceas
muchsquarefootageasanyotherbuilding.TheoverhangwiththesignCalypso’s!sportedredandgreen
Christmas lights, even though the holiday had passed, and would probably look that way well into
January.
Themendroppedusoffatthebigreddoorwhiletheyfoundaplacetopark,savingusfromhavingto
walkagooddistanceinthecold.Wehoofeditinsideandintothewarmth.
‘Packed’ wasn’t a word one would use to describe any place in Arrow Creek, but in regards to its
regularweekendturnout,Calypso’swaspackedtonight.
Thebarhadentrancesatboththefrontandthebackofthebuilding,withstairsleadingtothebasement
onbothendsaswell.Theyranafullbaronbothlevelseveryweekend.
The upstairs had more tables for dining in, not to say food couldn’t be ordered for downstairs (it
could), and the basement had a side of pool tables and a dance floor. From what I could see of the
upstairs,therewasn’tmuchroomunlesswewantedtostandatthebar.Therefore,Isaid,“Let’sgodown.”
Kierstenchangedhercourseandledtheway.
Chillyairblastedusfromthedooropeningandclosingsowepickedupourpace.Ihadamissionto
getanotherdrinkinmebeforethenexthourstarted,anditwasgettingdangerouslyclosetonineo’clock.
This was the one night a year I let myself get completely loose, uninhibited and free, and I was
desperatelyreadytoenjoyit.
We’dfoundatable,andthewaitersteppedupjustasNathanandRhettjoinedus.
“WelcometoCalypso’s.WhatcanIgetyou?Thenexthourisladies’hour,sothegirls’drinksareon
thehouse.”
“Yeah!”Kierstenshouted,andwehigh-fivedoverthetable.
“I’llhaveaMoscowMule,andkeep‘emcoming.”
Kierstengrinned.“Oh,thatsoundsyummy.I’llstartwithone,too.”
“Shit,howamIsupposedtooweyouaroundwhenourdrinksarefreeforthenexthour?Idon’tknow
ifI’llbeabletodoaroundafterthis,”Igiggled,thoughcompletelyserious.Icouldholdmyliquorwith
the best of them, meaning I almost never got sick. That didn’t mean I didn’t get drunk easily. It was a
double-edgedsword.
“Tworoundsoftequilaforthetable,extralimes,”Nathanordered.
Leaningtomyleftdramatically,Itwistedmynecktolookatwherehesatbesideme.“You’retryingto
getmedrunk.”
Fromthecornerofmyeye,Iwatchedthewaitersmirkandwalkawaytofillourorder.
His jaw dropped open, and he raised his hands in defense. “I am not. If you don’t want it, I’ll just
havetodrinkit.Thenit’llbeyouwho’sgettingmedrunk.”
“Unh-uh.I’mnottheonewhoordered.”
“Saysthewomanwhogetsfreedrinksforthenexthour.”
Ismiledandfiddledwiththewrappedsilverwareinfrontofme,enjoyingtheplayfulbanter.
“So,youallworktogether?”Rhettasked,joiningintheconversationforthefirsttime.Icouldn’thelp
butnoticedthewayhiseyesstayedtrainedonKiersten,asifhefoundherfascinating.
“NathanandIarepartnersontheambulance.Kierstenworksindispatch.So,samefield,yeah,butnot
inthesamearea.”
“Thatmustbefascinating.Doyouevergetanycrazycalls?”
NathanandIexchangedaglance.“Crazystupidorcrazyannoying?There’sneveralullinthecalls
from people who should have called their therapist instead of 9-1-1. Kiersten gets the most interesting
calls,though.We’reonlyroutedtheonesthatneedmedicalassistance.”Nathanansweredhisfriend.
“Ugh. Just last night. A lady called to report a man wearing only his underwear, singing ‘Joy to the
World’whiletakingdownthesnowmanherchildrenmade,JetListyle.”
“What?” Rhett laughed, then sat back as the waiter returned to deliver our drinks. “What does
someoneevendoforthat?”
“Alotoftimesit’sdrugsoralcohol,sothecopswillcheckthepersonoutforthat.Although,thereare
timesit’sjustsomerandom,impulsivepersonwhofeltlikehavingalittlefun.They’dmostlikelygettold
togohomewithawarning.”Kierstenpickeduphermuleandtookalongdrink.“Oh,it’ssogood.”
Iagreed,takingalongdrinkofmyown.Therewasnothinglikeaperfectmule.Cold,refreshing,with
thatcopperybitefromthemulemug.
“Lastweek,therewasacallthatsomeonehadstolenthedriver’ssidedooroffsomeguy’struck.And
there’sthisrepeatcallerwhoalwaysthinkssomeone’souttogethim.He’sbeenknowntoputboobytraps
aroundhisresidence.”
“What did he call for this time?” Nathan asked as he passed around shots and limes. I took two
glassesandheraisedhisbrowsatme,soIstuckmytongueoutathim.Then,Igrabbedtwolimesandput
themonmynapkin.
“Mmm,” she swallowed her drink and set it down, looking excited. “He thought someone had the
blueprintstohishouseandwasdiggingatunnelforaccess.”
“Holyfuck.That’scrazy.WhoaretheselooneytunessoIcanavoidthem?”Rhettjoked.
“Sorry,buddy.That’sprivilegedinformation,”sheshotbackwithawidesmileofherown.
“Whatisityoudo?”Iaskedhim.IknewhimbynamefromstoriesNathantold,butotherthanthat,this
wasmyfirsttimemeetinghim.
Forsomereason,helookeduncomfortableatmyquestion.“Irunapestcontrolbusiness.”
KierstenandIturnedtoeachotheratthesametime.Myeyesslidawayfirst.“Intown?”
“Yup.Chuck’sExterminator.Chuckwasmygrandfather.”
That’stheproblemwithsmalltowns,everybodywasconnected.Inshort,Nathan’sgoodfriendwas
alsoagoodfriendofLaw’s.Couldmyworldgetanycrazier?
Nathanliftedhisglassandnudgedmewithhiselbow.“Allright,kids.Thoseofyoubraveenoughto
embarkonthisdrinkingquest,raiseyourglass.”
Thethreeofuscomplied,raisingourshotstomeetatthecenterofthetable.
“Tolettinggoofthepast,”Nathanshouted,hiseyesslidingtoglanceatme.“Tonewfriends,anda
newyearfulloffreshbeginnings.Tolove.Andsecondchances.Totryingsomethingnewandrekindling
somethingyouusedtoenjoy.Mostimportantly,tous.Family.Goodhealth.Andfriends.”
A lump of emotion swelled in my throat. In so many ways, his words rang true to all the different
aspectsofmylife.HeandI.Lawandme.Evelyn,Kiersten,andmylifeinArrowCreek.Movingonfrom
the shame and guilt of my past, and learning to forgive myself. Opening up to a happy future, one I’ve
workedtowardsanddeserve.
“Here!”Rhettcheered,andweallclanked.
AsIlickedthesalt,Ididn’tmissthewayKierstenstaredatRhettwhilehertongueswipedherhand.
Totalflirt.Shewassogoingtohomewithhimtonight.
Wetookdownthetequilatogether.Itburned,butsliddownsmooth,andIshovedalimesliceinmy
mouth.Afterthefirst,wetookthesecond,andachorusofglassesthudagainstthewoodtable.
“Enoughofthat.IneedtogonursemymuleorI’mnotgoingtomakeitpastteno’clock,”Igrumbled
andchasedthetequilawithmyotherdrink.
“Amateur,”Rhettthrewinwithasmile.
“Shouldwedance?”Kierstenasked.Sheframeditlikeaquestion,butshewasalreadyoutofherseat
andswingingherhipstothetempo.
MyheadswamwiththeamountofalcoholI’dalreadydrank.Foodwouldbegood.Awaiterwalked
bywithaplateofwingsatthatprecisemoment,andmymouthwatered.“I’mgoingtogetabitetoeat.
ThenI’lljoinyou.”
Shegaveaoneshoulderedshrug.“Suityourself.I’llbeovertherebymyself,ifanyone,”shelooked
pointedlytoRhett,“wantstojoinme.”Withaswayofherhips,shesaunteredaway.
“Uh,yep.”Rhettslappeddownawadofbillsonthetable.“Thatshouldcoverthedrinks.Ordermea
plateofmotzysticks.I’mgoingtodance.”Hewaggedhiseyebrowsatusbeforehelefttofollowmybest
friend.
I threw my hand in the air to flag down our waiter and place an order, a double order of boneless
buffalo wings and an order of motzy sticks, and turned to Nathan with a sip of my drink. After I
swallowed,Ilickedmylips.
I didn’t miss the way his eyes darkened and followed my tongue across my lower lip. Crap. That
wasn’tmyintentionatall.
“So...whatdoyouthinkthechancesaretheydon’tcomeback?”
Hiseyesshotbacktomine.Hegrinnedandtookasipoftheginandtonicthewaiterjustdeliveredto
him.“HellifIcare.Freemotzysticks.”
Besideshissubtleflirting,Iwashappyhekepttheconversationlight.Welaughedalotandjokedover
drinks.IendedupwithonemoreMoscowmulebeforeLadies’hourwasover.
Byteno’clock,afterdevouringahalfaplateofwings,Iwasofficiallydrunk.
Drunk,notsloshed.
Definitelynothammered.
“I’mgoingtotherestroomandthentofindKiersten.”
Vodkaalwaysdidmein.There’salwaysthatmomentbetweensuckingdowndrinksandstandingfor
the first time where everything was fine. I felt tingly and numb, but my limbs still moved like I wanted
themto.
UntilIstood.
Drunkstartedtoskiptowardswasted.
Aspastexcursionswould’vepredicted,thesecondmyfeethitthefloorandIpushedmyselfoutofthe
booth,Istumbledonmyskinnyheels.Nathan’shandcaughtmebytheinsideofmyelbow,andheusedhis
griptomakeroomtofollowmeoutofthebooth.
Hislipsfoundmyear.“Becareful.”
Ismileduncomfortablyandpolitelyfreedmyarmfromhisgraspundertheguiseofadjustingmyskirt.
Theonlyproblemwasthemovementdrewhisattentiontomyhemline.
Thiswassonotworking.
“I’mfine.Thankyouforstoppingmefromcrashingonmyface.”
Hetuckedhishandsintohispocketsandnodded.
AsIturnedtogodoasI’dsaid,Inoticedhemadenomovetoslidebackintothebooth,whichmeant
hewatchedmeasIwalkedaway.
Thatsadnesscreptbackin.Ididn’twantthistobetherelationshipIhadwithNathan.Iwantedthings
togobacktohowtheywere.Theeasyfriendshipandentertainmentonlongshiftsatwork.Ididn’twantto
be responsible for turning him down until he turned bitter with resentment. I also didn’t want to be
responsibleformakinghimthinkhehadachancewhenIwasn’tsurethathedid.
MythoughtsslammedtoahaltasforcefullyasifI’drunintoawall.Thewaytheairwasknockedout
ofmylungs,IsurefeltlikeIhaddonejustthat.
ItappearedIcouldn’tgoanywhereinthistownwithoutrunningintoLaw.
There he was, in the last booth before the hallway that led to the bathrooms, sitting with another
woman,thisonedifferentthanthelast,abrunetteinsteadofablonde.Hisbackwastome,butevenfrom
thebackofhishead,I’dknowthatmessyhairanywhere.
IswalloweddownthebitofhappinessIfeltthathewasn’tsquishedupbesideherintheboothandsat
insteadwithhisarmalongtheback,facingher.
Okay,Icoulddothis.Justwalkbywithoutlookingathim.Easy.
Straighteningmyshoulders,Iadjustedmydressanddidjustthat.
Ifhenoticedme,Ihadnoidea.WhenIpushedthroughtothewomen’s’restroom,Ifeltlikehavinga
panic attack. I flipped the faucet as cold as it would go and dipped my wrists beneath the water. The
papertowelholderclankedloudlyasIrippedafewpiecesoffandgotthemdamp,dabbingthemagainst
myneck.
Newplan.FindKiersten,hopeshe’sdrunkenoughtogohomewithRhett,fakeaheadache,andcalla
cab.
Easy.
Itookacalmingbreathandopenedthedoortotherestroom.Loudmusicassaultedme,andIusedit
like a lifeline. The tempo gave me something to focus on as I attempted to walk by Law again without
trippingonmyheels.
ButwhenIroundedthecorner,heandhisdateweregone.
Ididn’tthinkaboutwhatthatmeant.
Thedancefloorwasstraightahead,andIfoundKiersten,Rhett,andNathanimmediately.Kierstenand
Rhettweregrindingononeanother,dancingliketwoloverswhoknoweachother’sbodieswell.Imoved
besidethemanddidmybesttomakeitcleartoNathanthatwewouldnotbedancinglikethat.
Heseemedtotakethehint,dancingclosebutwithouttouchingme.
Betweenthealcoholandtherapidlychangingsongs,Ieasilylosttrackoftime.Itseemedlikemere
minutes passed before I was ready for a break. My mouth felt stuffed with cotton, and the flush on my
cheeks was begging for something cold. I stopped dancing in order to dig my cell out of my clutch to
checkthetime.Itwasjustaftermidnight.
ThelackofmovementgaveNathantheperfectopportunitytosneakuponme.Handsgrippedmyhips
andpulledmeclose,andhisforeheadpressedagainstmytemple.Whenhespoke,Icouldsmelltheginon
hiswarmbreath.Hislipsbrushedagainstmycheekwhenhemovedthem.
“Idon’tthinkItoldyouhowfuckingbeautifulyoulookinthatdress.”
Heshiftedhishandsandtracedasinglefingeroverthecutoutbeneathmybreasts.
“Nathan,”Iwarned.AsIliftedmyeyes,Icaughtsomeonestartingatusfromoverhisshoulder.Law
stoodnearthebackofthedancefloor,hiseyessteadyonmine.Hisdatewasconversinganimatedly,but
she’dlosthisattention,justasNathanhadlostmine.
Hetwistedhishead.“I’msorry,Cami.Ilikeyou,andIfeellikeifyou’djustlistentome,wecould
givethisthingatry.”
Ishookmyhead,dislodginghisweightfrommine.“No.I’msorry,butno.”
Kiersten and Rhett had graduated to sucking face. I didn’t want to bother them, so I quietly slipped
away,leavingthethreeonthedancefloor.Four,ifyoucountedLaw.
Iwentdownthebackhall.Itwastimetostepoutsidetocooloffandcallacab.Ididn’tmakeitthat
far.Ahandwrappedtightlyaroundmyforearmandspunmearound,pressingmybackagainstthecool,
concretewall.
Myeyeswidenedinshock.Itriedtopullmyhandaway,butinhisdrunkenness,hewasholdingontoo
tight.“Nathan,”Igasped,andashiveroffearranthroughme.“Letmego.”
“Justlistentome.”
“No.” I stated firmly, keeping my eyes on his drunken ones as steady as I could. Unfortunately, we
werebothdrunkandthatmademattersworse.
Hisforeheadcreased.“Whydoyoulooksoafraid?I’dneverhurtyou.”
“Youare,Nathan.Yourhandishurtingme.”
“IthinkI’minlovewithyou.”HespokeasifIhadn’t.Asifhewastoodrunktohearme,whichhe
probablywas.Hiseyesturnedlazyandthelidslowered.
“No,you’renot.You’redrunkandyouneedtoletmego.”
Histhighwedgedbetweenmine,forcingthemapart,andthehemofmydressrodehigher.Hemoved
hisbruisinggripfrommyforearmtomyhandandsnatchedtheother,pressingbothtightlytothewall.
Iwaspinned.
Hewasgoingtokissme,andIwaspowerlesstostopit.
Hisheaddipped,andwithoutanotherword,heswallowedmyprotestwhenhismouthhitmine.This
wasnothinglikeourfirstkiss.Itwasn’tsweetandexploring.ItwasroughandstealingsomethingIdidn’t
wanthimtohave.
Hisbodywasabruptlyrippedfrommineandthrownagainsttheoppositewall.Harshbreathsechoed
in the cramped, dark space. I couldn’t tell who they belonged to. Law stood beside me, staring down
Nathanwithhisfaceaterrifyingmaskofrage.
“Don’teverfuckingtouchher.”Hedidn’tshout;thewordsrippedfromhiminadeepgrowl.
Nathanlookedbetweenthetwoofus,andhisshouldersslumped.“I’msorry,Cami.”
Lawdidn’twaittohearwhatelsehehadtosay.That,orheneededtoleavebeforehelostcontrol.He
wrappedhisarmaroundmyupperbackandguidedmedownthehalltotheexit.
Iwastrembling.Heshruggedoutofhisjackedandwrappedmeinit.Ibreathedinhiswarmscentand
usedittogroundme.Whatthehelljusthappened?
Wewentupaflightofstairs,andheheldthedooropen.Bittercoldgreetedme,butIwelcomedit.My
bodyburnedfromthemixtureofalcohol,dancing,andtherecentencounter.
Wordsweren’tspokenbetweenusaswewalked.Ididn’tknowwhereweweregoinguntilheadlights
flashedthroughthefallingsnowinfrontofus.He’dbroughtmetohistruck.Openingthepassengerside
forme,hewaitedformetogetin,thenroundedthehoodtohisdoor.
ItuggedoutmyphonefrommyclutchandsentKierstenatexttellingherwhoIwaswithandthatI
wassafe.IwishedherahappyeveningwithRhett,thentuckedmyphoneawayagain.Iwouldhaveturned
it off, except Evelyn was out of town. I needed to remain accessible. I just hoped Nathan didn’t try to
contactme.
Law’srageseemedtoexpandwithintheconfinesofhistruck.Enclosedinside,hefiredtheengineand
cranked the heat. Within seconds, the windows began to fog, and I regained some feeling in my cold,
numbedfingertips.
Silencestretchedassecondsturnedtominutes,butLawdidn’tspeak.
“He’snotabadguy.Weweredrunk.”
Painfullyslow,Lawturnedhisheadmydirection.“Didhetouchyou?”
Thequestionconfusedme.Didn’theseehimkissingme?“Hekissedme–ˮ
“Didhetouchyou?”ThistimeLawlookedpointedlyatmybody.Myheartsqueezedpainfullyinmy
chestatthethoughtshemusthavegoingthroughhishead.
“No,nothinglikethat.Heonlykissedme.”Ileftoutthepartofhimtouchingtheskinofmyribsand
shovinghis thigh betweenmine. I didn’tneed Law flipping out.Even though heshouldn’t have done it,
Nathanwasdrunk.He’snotabadguy,andhedidn’tintendtohurtme.IfLawhadn’tshownup,Ifirmly
believedhewouldn’thavegoneanyfurtherthanhedid.
Law shoved a restless hand through his hair. “Good. I wasn’t looking forward to going back in the
coldtobreakhisfuckingfingers.”
“Thankyou.Icancallacabsoyoucangetbackinside.”
Hesnorted.“Noandno.”
“Whataboutyourdate?”
Hedrummedhisfingertipsonthesteeringwheel.“Shewasn’tmydate.Imetherthere.”
Theresponsesetfiretomyblood.“Oh,you’redoingthatoftennow?”
“What?”
Idrewhiscoattighteraroundmeandfoldedmyarmsovermychest.“Whatabouttheblondeacouple
weeksago?”
Hisnostrilsflared.Heleanedforwardandswipedapieceofdustoffhisdash.
“Exactly.Soyeah,I’mgoingtocallacab.”
“They’reallyou,”hemutteredbeneathhisbreath.
“Excuseme?”ThehandIwasreachingintomyclutchfrozeathiswords.Iwithdrewitandtossedmy
clutchonthedash.
“They’reallyou!Everysingleone.Ican’tgetridofyou.Andbelieveme,I’vetried.I’vetriedtolet
goofeverythingIrememberaboutyou.Thetasteofyouwon’tleaveme,andwhenIclosemyeyes,Ican
hearyoumoaningmyname.Igiveup,Cami.IfIcan’tgetridofyou,thenIhavetohaveyou.”
“Idon’tbelievethat’ssolelyyourchoicetomake.”EvenasItriedtopushhimaway,myheartraced
fromhiswords.DidIdaretohopehemeantwhathesaid?Whatweretheoddsthiswouldenduplike
everyothertimehekissedmeortouchedme?
Hisarmshotout,hookedmearoundthewaist,anddraggedmeacrossthefullbenchseatuntilIwas
firmlyinhislap.Hisotherarmbarricadedmein.
“Ineveragain,inmylife,wanttowatchyoukissanotherman.Thoselipsaremine.Thispussy,”his
handdroppedtocupmebetweenmylegs,“ismine.Youhavealwaysbeenmine.FromthatveryfirstdayI
toldyouIwasinlovewithyouuntilnow.Mine.”
He crushed our lips together, fingers digging into my back to pull me close. It wasn’t enough. Even
withmybreastssmashedagainsthischest,Ididn’tfeelcloseenough.Idroppedmyhandstothehemof
myskirt,hikedthefabricupsohighitrodestraightovermyassandsettledaroundmywaist,androse
ontomyknees.Lawslidtotheside,Iliftedonelegtolethimunder,andloweredmyselfbackdownto
straddlehislap.
Desperatetofeelhim,Islippedmyhandsbeneaththehemofhisdark,buttondownshirt,thenupover
thesofthaironhischest.
Hebrokethekiss.Ourchestsroseandfelltogetheraswecaughtourbreaths.Onehandsteadiedmeat
myhip,whilehisotherdroppedtomyexposedthigh.Heranhishanduptothecreaseofmygroinand
rubbedhisthumbalongmyfabric-coveredclit.Ijerkedinhislap.
“Your body responds like that because it’s mine.” Another swipe, another jerk, and the wetness
soakedmythong.Hishandkeptmoving,thistimein.Heslippedhisindexfingerbetweenthefabricand
mypussy,andranitalongthestring.Itslippedfromwhereitwasnestledbetweenmycheeks,elicitinga
moanfromme.
Hisotherhandreleasedmyhip,andhesqueezeditbetweenus.Holdinghisindexfingerinfrontofmy
face,“Suck,”hecommanded.
I opened my mouth without hesitation, and he slipped the digit inside. I stroked it with my tongue,
licking,sucking,andteasingtheedgewithmyteeth.
LawgroanedandflexedhishipssoIcouldfeelhisharderectionbeneathme.“Ibetyougivefantastic
head,”hegrowled,hisdarkenedeyessteadyonmine.
IshruggedwithacoysmileandpausedwhatIwasdoingtohisfinger.“Iwouldn’tknow.I’venever
doneit.”
Hisheadfellbackagainsttheseat,andhiseyesdriftedclosed.“Fuckyeah,baby,that’smine,too.”
Oncesatisfiedwithmysucking,hepulledthewetfingerfrommymouth,broughtitbackbetweenmy
legs,and,wherehewasstillholdingmythongawayfrommybody,rubbedthewetnessagainstmyother
hole.Theunfamiliarsensationcausedmetobounceinhislap,andhisrespondingsmirkwasthehottest
thingI’deverseen.
“That’sgoingtobemine,too.Startyouslow,butyou’lllearntoloveit.”
“Idon’tknow,Law.”Alowmoanreplacedtheuncertaintyinmytoneasherubbedthespotagain.
“Rightnow,Ineedtofuckyou.Doyoutrustme?”
“You’regoingtodoitnow?”Iyelpedandstartedmovingtogetoffhislap.
He let go of the fabric of my panties with a snap, and clamped an arm around my waist. The other
hand, however, prodded more insistently, and created a sensation that became more arousing by the
second.
“Notgoingtofuckyouhere.”Topunctuatethelocation,hepresseddeeplyagainstmyasshole.“Fuck
you here.” He shifted his hand, slipping easily through the wetness to glide his pinky and ring finger
insideme.Atthesametimetheyfilledme,hisindexfingerslippedinmyasstothefirstknuckle.
“Oh,mygod,”Ibreathed,droppingmyforeheadagainsthisshoulder.
Allhisfingersmoved,pumpingslowlyinandoutofbothholes.ThesensationwasnothinglikeI’d
everfeltbefore.
“I’mgoingtodieifyoustop.”
“I’mnotgoingtostop.Getready,becauseyou’reabouttotakemycock.”
My legs shook as I began rocking my hips on his hand. The movement came instinctually, and I
couldn’tstopit.
NotthatIwantedto.Iabsolutelydidnotwantto.
He worked himself free with his other hand, then moved it to my waist. The pressure of his touch
urgedmetoliftup.Idid,andhesunklowerintheseat,slidhistwolittlefingersoutofmypussy,and
positionedhiscockbelowme.
“Reachdownandputmeinyou,baby.Hurry.”
Ididashesaid,linedhimup,andwithoutwaitingforhim,Isunkmyselfdownonhishardcock.
“Jesus,fuck,youfeelgood.Rideme.Iwanttowatchyoutakeme.”
Hiswordsspurredmeon.I’dneverdonethisbefore,butthiswasLaw.IfI’dhadanyinsecurities,the
lookofpure,unadulteratedblissonhisfacecompletelywipedthemaway.
So,withhiscockinmypussyandhisfingerfillingmyass,Irodehim.
Thefoggedwindowsgavetheillusionofprivacy,buteveniftheywerewideopen,Iwassofarpast
caring. The feel of his warm flesh beneath me, filling me, his free hand touching me, kept my attention
completely.
Our breathing increased, the sound of our skin slapping together grew louder, and then I was there,
clenchingaroundhisfingerandcock,andridingthetidalwaveofanorgasmlikeI’dneverfeltinmylife.
He gave that to me, letting me come down before he took over. Powering into me, he slipped his
fingerfrommyhole,andthelossoffullnessnearlysentmeovertheedgeagain.Afewmorepumpsandhe
stilled, planted to the root, his dick started throbbing, and the deep sensation threw me into another
orgasm.
Hismouthtookmine,softerthistime,andourbreathingslowedtogether.Whenhepulledaway,heran
isthumbdownthesideofmycheek.“Whyareyousoincredible?”
Thequestionflatteredmeandwarmedme.Inanswer,Ileanedinandsuckedgentlyathisneck.
Hisfingersflexedintomyhips.“Keepthatup,andI’mgoingtofuckyouagain.”
Myheadshotup.“What’swrongwiththat?”
“Nothing. I’d rather get you home first, but I won’t make it there if you don’t keep your mouth to
yourself.”
Icrawledoff,fixedmythong,tuggedmyskirtdown,andbuckledup.
Law’sresponsewasn’tverbaleither.Hethrewthetruckintodrive.
Ireciprocatedbygivingmyveryfirstblowjobtheentirewaytohishouse.
11.
The incessant ringing of my phone wouldn’t stop. It sucked because I wanted to sleep in, but it really
freakin’suckedbecauseIwashavingagooddream.Ithrewahandouttowardsmynightstand,slapping
thingsoutofthewayinasloppyattemptatlocatingmyphone.
Somethingclatteredloudlytothefloor.Ihopedthatwasn’tit.
Theringingstopped,andIsighed.Thankyou,universe.Idovemyheadbackbeneathmypillows.
Thepasttwodaysweresomethingoutofadream.Ididn’tknowtwopeoplecouldmakelovesomany
timesandinsomanyways.Otherthancomingupforfood,wespenttheweekendnakedinhisbed,inthe
househebuilthimselfjustoutsidethecitylimits.
Yep.Hebuilthisownhouse.Adreamhouse,atthat.Notonlywasitnew,whichmeantitwascool
andmodern,buthehadamazingtaste.Somewhereduringasustenancebreak,hegavemeagrandtour.He
showedmetheoutdoorshowerandsauna(thatwehadsexin),ahottubbeneatharetractableawning(that
wealsohadsexin),andthemasterwalk-in,stoneshowerwithabuilt-inbenchseatthatwaslongenough
thatLawcouldlaydownandstillhaveroomformetosit.
IlearnedthereasonhemovedtoArrowCreekwasforwork,buthewasn’tanexterminator.Thatwas
atemporaryjobhepickeduptohelpafriend.Daytoday,heworkedasageneralcontractorathisown
business.Hewonabidtobuildanewstripmallbeginninginthespring,andhewantedtocomeearlyto
getthelayoftheland.
Myphonestartedupagain,crushingmyopportunitytorelivetheweekend.
Thepillowcameoffandflewacrosstheroom.Itoretheblanketsoffmybodynextandpushedintoa
sittingposition.
“I’mup!I’mfreakingup!”
GoodthingEvelynwasn’thome.She’dthinkI’dgonecrazyyellingatnobodyinmyroom.
Ifoundmyphonepushedtotheothersideofmynightstand.
Nathancalling...
I groaned and rubbed my eyes, setting the phone back down as memories of the other night flashed
throughmymind.Whyishecallingsoearlyinthemorning?
Idon’tevenknowwhattimeitis.
Ipickedthephonebackup.
9:47a.m.
Okay,soit’snotthecrackofdawnbutstillearlyafteraweekendofzerosleep.
ThephonestoppedringingsoIsetitbackdown.
I should probably get up now that I’m awake. But I was having such a good dream. Law and me,
naked,hishandsandmouthdoingdeliciousthingstomybodythathe’sbeentheonlyonetodo.
Theringingstartedagain.
Something’s wrong. Nathan felt bad, I’m sure, and probably wanted to apologize, but he wouldn’t
keepcallingmeforthat.HeknewmewellenoughtoknowthatcallingmerepeatedlywhenIdidn’twant
toanswerwouldonlypissmeoff.
No.Somethingwaswrong.AcidcrawledupmyesophagusandmystomachchurnedasIpickedupmy
phoneandhitthegreenbutton.
“Nathan.”Hisnamescrapedoutofmythroat.
“Cami.”Thatonewordwasthecrackthatcrumbledmyentireworld.Somuchrawpainriddledthat
worditwasnearlypalpable.
“Whatisit.Tellmewhat’sgoingon.”Yearsofemergencytrainingsetmeintomotion.Iwasstripped
downandtuggingonmyjeanswhenhespoke.
He cleared his throat. “You need to get in your car and meet me at the hospital.” His words were
measuredandconcise,butitwastheweightofwhatwasn’tspokenthatcausedmyarmstoshake.
I pulled the phone away from my head and tugged a sweatshirt on, before bringing it back. “What
happened,Nathan,whoisit?”
Socks.Keys.Wallet.Shoes.Iwassprintingdownthehallwhenhestillhadn’tansweredme.I’djust
hitthefoyerwhenIaskedagain.“Whoisit?”Iheldmykeysatmyside,danglingfrommyindexfinger.
RaggedbreathsechoedaroundthesmallspaceasIwaitedforhimtogetitoverwith.
“Cami–ˮ
ThecalmslippedandIscreeched.“Whoisit?”
“It’sEvelyn.”
Twosecondsflatthedoorwasrippedopen.Iclearedthestairsandfiredtheengineofmycartolife.
Nathanmusthaveheardit,anditknockedhimoutofwhateverdazehe’dbeenin.“Youneedtodrive
careful.Thesnowlastnightleftalotoffrozenareasontheroad.Power’soutallacrosstown.”
“Youneedtotellmewhathappenedrightnow.”
“Picked up a shift. A call came through right before I called you. I’m in the ambulance right now.
Singlecaraccident.Hitapatchofblackice.Idon’tknowwhogottheinformation,buttheyshareditwas
Evelyn.”
Depressingthegaspedal,allIsawwasablurofwhite.Thetrees,buildings,powerlinesallblended
together into a snowy canvas. The only thing on my mind was getting to Evelyn as quickly as possible.
“Whereisshe?”
“It’llbefasterifyoumeetmeatthehospital.”
“Nathan,Isweartogodifyoudon’ttellmewheresheisIwillneverspeaktoyouagain.”
HerattledoffanintersectionfivemilesawayfromwhereIwas.
“Cami,”hebegan,butsaidnomoreasifhestoppedhimselffromsharingtoomuch.
“Please,”Ibegged,knowingmyvoicebrokeonthatonewordandnotfeelinganounceofshamefor
it.“Whatmoredoyouknow?”
“Itjust...it’sbad.Ican’tstopyoufromcoming.Prepareyourself.Iwantyoutofocusongettingthere
safe.Youcan’tdoanythingforEvelynifyougethurtontheway.”
“I don’t care about anything other than getting to her.” With each word, my chest tightened until I
chokedonashudderingbreath.
“Breathe,Cami.We’retwominutesout.”
Thewhoopofasirensoundednearby.Iwasgettingclose,too.Snowblewacrosstheroad,making
whatwasalreadyhardtoseenearlyimpossible.IwaslosingthefightagainstthetearsthecloserIgotto
the scene. My heart pummeled my ribs to the tune of a boxer working his punching bag. I could feel it
withoutevenplacingahandonmychest.
Nathan’sradiocrackledandbeepedacrossthephoneline.Istrainedmyearsasthefirstglimpseof
flashingredandbluecameintoview.
Vehicleisupsidedown.ReportingoneDOA,over.
Ibeganhyperventilating.Therewasn’tenoughoxygenintheworldtoslowmydiaphragmdown.My
lungsachedandburnedintheirquesttosupplymybodywithair.Astrangledsoundleftmythroat.One
handtorefromthesteeringwheel,andIbeganclawingatmyneck.
Thesoundofadoorslammingcameoverthephone.Iforgotwewerestillconnected.
“Talktome.Iseeyou.Slowdown,honey.You’rehere.”
Ihadenoughmindtoslowthecardowngentlyandnotplowthroughthepeopleworkingthescene.As
soonasitstoppedmoving,Islammedtheshifterinparkandthrewmydooropen.Mybodylurchedfaster
thanIcouldgetmyfeetout,andItumbledoutintothesnow.
Windwhippedmyears,andtheentireworldwaswhite.Inmyhastetoleave,I’dforgottenajacket,
butthecoldhardlyregistered.Icrawledthroughthesnowonmyelbowsandkneesaroundmydoor,then
pushedmyselftomyfeet.Agonyrippedthroughmychest.Ablackbodybaglaidzippedinthesnow,it’s
shapeshowingclearlyitwasfilled.
“Evelyn!” I screamed, slipping across snow and ice to find her. Refusing to believe the possibility
that she was the body in the bag, my eyes darted around frantically, scanning the face of every person
nearby.SeveralsecondspassedbeforeIrealizedIdidn’tevenseetheaccidentsite,soIbegansearching
forthecar.
ThatwaswhenIfoundit.
Twotwistedbeamsofmetal,aholeinthemiddlewhereavehiclehadtornthroughtheguardrail.
“No!”
I lunged for that hole, terrified of what I’d find. Or, what I wouldn’t find. One body had had been
located,sowhereweretherest?Wherewasmylittlegirl?Theonewhoturnedmylifeupsidedown,and
atthesametime,gavemeanewreasontolive?
I’dnearlyclearedtheroadtotheothersidewhenstrongarmsbandedaroundmytorso,trappingmy
armsatmysides,andhauledmebackintoahardchest.
“Please,letmego.Please!”Ipled.Atthesametime,myarmswrappedupandgrippedtheonesthat
wereholdingmesteady.
“Youhavetoletthemdotheirjobs.There’snothingyoucando.Letthemdotheirjobs,andthey’llget
Evelyn.”Nathanheldmetight,hisforeheadpressedagainstmytempleandhislipswereatmyear.He
swayedusbackandforthwhilehemurmuredtome,hisvoicesteadyandstrong.
Myeyesremainedwild,dartingaroundateverysourceofmovement,butthefightleakedoutofmy
body.IclutchedNathanlikealifeline.Tearsranlikeatorrentdownmycheeks.Hiswarmthseepedinto
me, replacing the numbness, and making me painfully aware of all the areas that were freezing and
exposed.
TheshiverscamenextasIwatchedrescuersgodownintotheravine.Icouldn’ttakeitmuchlonger.
“Bringmecloser.Ineedtoseewhat’sgoingon.”
“Youhavetoletthemwork.”
“I’llstayoutoftheirway.Ijustneedtosee.Please.”
Withoutreleasingme,Nathanwalkeduscloser.Icouldn’ttellifhewasholdingmeforsupportorto
keepmefromthrowingmyselfoverthesideoftheroad,andfrankly,Ididn’tcare.Inthatmoment,I’dlet
himdojustaboutanything,solongashegotmeclosertoEvelyn.
“Nathan,”Iwhisperedaswenearedtheedge.
Hisarmsgaveanansweringsqueeze.
“That’snot...she’snottheDOA.Isshe?”
Heswallowedloudly.“IfIleaveyouheretocheck,areyougoingtodoanythingstupid?”
“Oh,God.”Myheadfellbackonhisshoulder.“N-n-n-no.”
Nathan’shandscoveredthebacksofmine,andhegentlyloosenedhishold.“Stayrighthere.Imeanit.
Youmoveafuckin’inch,andI’llsedateyoumyself.I’llberightthere.I’mgoingtocheck.Don’tyoudare
move.”
“Okay,”Iwhisperedinterror.
Ididn’twanttowatch,butIcouldn’tlookaway.Myeyesweregluedtohisretreatingback.
The breath was knocked from my lungs once more as he crouched down and unzipped the bag. His
chindroppedtohischest.Whatdidthatmean?Weallfeltcompassionforthevictimswecameacross,but
wasthatcompassionforme?
Ibrokehisruleandmethimhalfway,desperateforananswer.
Heseemeddesperatetogiveittome.Hegrippedmyupperarmsandgroundout,“It’snother.God.”
Heclosedhiseyesanddoubledover.“It’snother.”
I covered my mouth with my palm and closed my eyes, too. I opened my mouth to ask who it was,
knowingtherewereonlytwootherpeopleinthatcar,whenavoicerangout.
“Moveoutoftheway!”
Sevenrescuersrushedforwardcarryingagurneyovertheicysnowandtotheambulance.
Oneglimpseofauburnhair,andItookoffinthatdirection.Icaughtuptothem,andmyentireworld
flippedonitsaxis.
Blood.AllIcouldseewasblood.Thatlittleglimpseofauburnhairwastheonlypartnotcoveredin
it.Hereyeswereclosed,andshewassostillIwasn’tevensureshewasbreathing.
“Isshealive?”Iaskedtonooneandeveryoneatthesametime.
Whennooneresponded,Iscreeched,“Isshealive?”
Sevensetsofeyesswunginmydirection.Theyshovedherintotheambulance.
“Barely.”
“Move.I’mcomingwith.”
Myemergencytrainingkickedin,forcingmyreactionfrompanickedtoprofessional.
“Who’reyou?”Anofficerasked,stoppingafirefighterfromshuttingthebackdoors.
“I’mhermother.Nathan!”
Helookedupfromwherehewaswatchingtheexchange.
“Takemycarandmeetmeatthehospital.Thekeysareintheignition.”
Nudgingtheofficeroutofhisway,hetookholdofthedoor.“Staystrong,Cami.”Theyslammedshut.
Throughthewindow,Isawhimjoggingtomycar.
My eyes drifted down to take in my beautiful, broken girl as the ambulance roared to life. Sirens
blared, and the lights cast an eerie glow through the hazy snow. As the other paramedic worked on
Evelyn,Iheldherhandandprayed.IprayedinawayIhadn’tdoneinfourteenyears.
Iprayedshe’dhangonlongenoughtogettoanO.R.,Iprayedtheambulancemadeitthroughtherough
conditionsandgotustherefastandsafe.IprayedNathandidn’thaveanytroublefollowingus.
Butmostly,Iprayedthattheuniversewasn’tabouttofuckwithmeagainandtakeawaytheonething
I’dfoughtsohardtoprotect.
Atraumateamwaswaitingintheambulancebay.AssoonasEvelynwasunloaded,theykickedme
outintothewaitingarea.Shewasimmediatelyrushedintosurgery.AllI’dbeentoldsofarwasthather
injurieswereextensive.Severalbrokenbones,massiveinternalbleeding.Theywouldn’tknowuntilthey
gotaCTscanifshehadaheadinjury,too.
Nathanarrivedshortlyafterwedidandfoundmealoneinthewaitingroom.AftertheytookEvelynup
totheO.R.,anursecameandbroughtustoaprivatewaitingroominstead.
Ineededtodosomethingtopassthetime,soIpulledoutmyphoneandcalledthetwootherpeople
whoexistedinmylife.
Kierstenwasupfirst.MostlybecauseIknewshewasoutoftownandcouldn’tdoanything,butalso
becauseIdidn’thaveacluewhatIwouldsaytoLaw.
Ikeptitbriefwithher,holdingontomypainlongenoughtotellherEvelynwasinanaccident.She
offeredtoleaverightawaytobewithme,butItoldhertostay.Itwasherfamilyholiday,andtheroads
weredangerous.Afterpromisinghourlyupdates,shetoldmeshe’dbehomeassoonastheroadswere
safe,andletmego.OnceIhungup,Nathanstoodandhuggedmehard.
“I have to get back to work. If you want, I could get someone to cover for me so I can stay.” The
statementlingeredlikeaquestion.
“Ihavepeoplecoming.Gobacktowork.I’llkeepyouupdated.”
“Keepthefaith,”hesaid,givingmeonelastlingeringhug.
Andthenheleft.
IwasthankfulforafewminutesalonetocallLaw.IknewwhyIneededtocallhim,anditwasmore
thanjustbecauseIwasdesperateforthekindofcomfortonlyhecouldbring.Hedidn’tknowthat,though,
andifquestionsarose,beingalonewasthebestwayformetoanswerthem.
Thephonerangthreetimesbeforeheanswered,andatthesoundofhisvoice,Inearlylostit.
“Morning,didyoumissmealready?”
Ipacedacrosstheuglybluecarpetinapaththatwasquicklybecomingcomfortable.Icouldn’tsay
anything.TheonlythingIcoulddowaschokeonthesobthatovercameme.
“Cami,whatisit?”Hisvoiceturnedinsistent.
“Youneedtocometothehospital.”
Aclatteringsoundedthroughthephone.“I’mcoming,baby.What’shappened?”
Hisengineroaredinmyear.ThatwasmyLaw,justlikeoldtimes.Ineededhim,andhewasthere.No
questionsasked.
“Evelynwasinanaccident.”
“I’mcoming,baby,youhearme?Staycalm.”
“Law,hurry.”
“Iam,butyoustaycalmforme.”
Iwhimpered.
“Closeyoureyes,Cam.”
“Law,”thedesperationinmyvoicebeggedhimtohelpme.
“Doit,baby.”
Ididasheasked.
“Aretheyclosed?”
Myvoicewasastrangledwhisper.“Yes.”
“Remember our waterfall? Imagine you’re there. You’re surrounded by the deep greenery, sitting in
theshadebeneaththerocks.Waterrushesoverheadandpoursintothepoolofwaterbesideyou.You’re
soclose,ifyoureachedyourhandout,youcouldfeelhowcoolthewateris.”
Mybreathingslowed.
“Areyouthere?Doyouseeit?”
Anotherwhimper.“I’mthere.”
“Good.Holdtight.I’mcoming.I’malmostthere.”
“Okay,Law.”
Thecalmnessofhisvoicekeptcomingatme.“Seeyousoon.”
Thelineclickedoff.
Iloweredthephonefrommyear,tryingtoholdontotheimageofthewaterfallinmyhead.
Eventually,theimagedfaded,onlytobereplacedwiththememoryofEvelyn’sbloodiedface,andI
crumpledtothefloorandcried.
Ididn’tknowhowmuchtimehadpassed,butIknewitwashimwithoutopeningmyeyes.Hisscent
surroundedme;thesmellofcedarthemostdistinguishable.Andthefeelofhisbodypressedagainstmine
was becoming familiar. As if I weighed nothing, he picked me up from the floor and cradled me in his
arms.Hesatinoneofthedoublechairswithmeinhislap.
Myhandsfoundtheopenhalvesofhisjacket,andIclutchedthemtightlyinmyfists.Iwantedtocrawl
insidehisbodyandlivethereuntilallthiswasover.Icouldn’tdoitagain.Thethoughtoflosinganother
personIlovedevisceratedme.
So,Itoldhimthat.
“Iwon’tsurvivelosingher.”
“Shh.”Hestrokedmyhair,myshoulders,myback.
Abruptly, I sat up. “I’m serious,” I stated in a tone that matched my words. “I can’t do it. I lost my
parents,Ritchie,you.”
“Youhaven’tlostme.I’mrighthere.”
“ButIdid.Ilostyou,anditnearlykilledme.Ican’tdoitagain.Ican’tloseanybodyelse.”
Painetchedacrosshisfeatures.Hecuppedthesideofmyheadandtuckedmeinthespacebeneathhis
chin.
“I’mrighthere,Cami,andyouaren’tgonnaloseanybodyelse.”
Islippedmyarmsbeneathhisjacket,holdingontightasifI’dsimplyfloatawayintotheether–never
toreturn–ifIletgo.
“ThreedaysbeforeRitchiedied,Ivisitedhimforthelasttime.”Idon’tknowwhyIwastellinghim
this,butinlightofwhatwashappening,itfeltitwastimetocomeclean.Toomuchheavinessweighedon
me.Theonlywaytolightentheloadwastosetitfree.SomethingIshouldhavedonealongtimeago.
“When it was time to go, I drove to Logansville instead of Arrow Creek. I parked outside your
house.”
Theministrationsofhisfingersinmyhairhelpedtogroundme.
“Iknow,”hesaid,afterafewmomentsofsilence.
“Youdid?”
“Not then. I found out the day of your birthday when you were drunkenly rambling to Ritchie’s
headstone.”
“Oh.Well,Iforgotaboutthat.”
Lawchuckledandmovedhisfingersfrommyhairtotracemyarm.“Whydidyoubringitup?”
“I just wondered what would have happened. If I’d have come back. Knocked on the door or
something.”
Hisbodystilledbeneathmine.“Youcan’tthinklikethat,”hesaidinagruffvoice.
“I’msorry.Iwasjustthinkingabouthowmuchwe’vebothbeenhurt.Directlyandindirectlyfrommy
mistakes.”
“Ourmistakes.”Hisinhaleliftedmewiththeriseandfallwithhischest.“Ispentyearsfocusingon
the what-if’s. We’ve found our way back to each other now. No use in running through imaginary
scenarios.It’lljusttortureyou.”
“You’reright.”
Webothfellsilentagain.
Itriedtowatchthefishtankacrosstheroom,butmyeyelidsgrewheavy.Theadrenalineleakedoutof
me and exhaustion took its place. I curled into Law’s shoulder, and although I didn’t sleep, dream-like
imagesdancedbehindmyeyelids.
Someonewasshakingmeawake.
“Cami.Thesurgeonisheretoseeyou.”
Jolted,asifbyanelectricshock,IshotupfromLaw’slap.
“Isshealive?”
Thatwastheonlyquestionthatmattered.Thedetailscouldtrickleinlater,butaslongasshewasstill
breathing,Iknewwe’dfigurethemout.
“She’salive,”hereassuredmeimmediately.
Mylegsshookwithrelief.
“Thingsweretouchandgo.Wehadtoshockherheartonthetable.She’snotoutofthewoods.”
I must have looked unsteady, because the next thing I knew, Law had an arm around my back
supportingme.
“Howbadisit?”
“I won’t lie to you. It’s not good. She had a lot of internal bleeding. We had to remove part of her
intestineandherleftovary.Shehadpenetratingtraumatotheabdomenfromapieceofmetalfromthecar.
Herpelvisisfractured,whichcontributedtothelargeamountofbloodloss.Thankfully,there’snosignof
aheadinjury.She’scurrentlyintubatedandinamedicallyinducedcoma.WehaveherinICU.”
Sicknesswashedoverme.“CanIseeher?”
Thesurgeonnoddedandgavemeasadsmile.“Yes,ofcourse.Youcanseeher.”
Iwantedtorun,toknockoveranyhurdlethatgotinmyway,andfindmydaughter.Ihadtoseefor
myselfthatshewasstillalive.
Lawreleasedme,andwithoutlookingback,Ifollowedthedoctordownthehall.Heopenedadoor
withhisbadgeandgesturedmethrough.
The sterile, antiseptic smell assaulted me as I entered the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. A nurses’
station was in the center and patient rooms filled the perimeter. The doctor led me to bed six and slid
opentheglassdoortoletmeinside.
“Takeyourtime.Familyisallowedtwenty-fourhours,unlessherstatuschanges.Ifyouneedanything,
pushtheredcallbuttonorletoneofthenursesknow.”
He stepped out and started to close the door behind him. In a panic, I spun around and called out,
“Hey,doctor?”
HeletmeknowIhadhisattentionwithhiseyes.Hisbrowsliftedasiftosay,goahead.
“Doyou...isitpossibletofindoutabouttheotherswhowereinthecarwithher?Theywerefriends.
IwastoldonewasDOA.”
Ididn’twanttheanswer,butIneededit.IfeltlikeIcouldn’tgoanothersecondwithoutknowing.
“I’msorry.”Hereachedoutandclaspedmyshoulder.Lettinghisarmdrop,hedeliveredthenewsthat
feltlikeablowtothegut.“ThemotherwasDOA,andtheotheryoungladyisstillinsurgery.”
Iclampedahandovermymouthandsuckedinairthroughmynose.“Thankyou,”Iwhispered.
“Iamtrulysorryforyourloss.”HedippedhischinandleftmealonewithEvelyn.
Uponturningaround,thefirstthingInoticedwasallthewires.Shehadelectrodesandtubescoming
outofeverywhere.
“Oh,Evelyn,”Iwhimperedandshuffledtowardsthehospitalbed.AtrembleovertookmyhandasI
brushedalockofhairfromherforehead.“Iamso,sosorry,baby.”
Iwantedtotouchhereverywhere,butthereweren’tmanyspotsthatseemeduninjured.Myfreehand
foundherswhileIcontinuedtostrokeherhair.ThesamehairI’dadmiredjustthreedaysagowasnowa
tangled,blood-mattedmess.
Anagonizedsoundcamefrommythroat,andIknewIcouldn’tdothis.Livethislie.Iwasn’ttheonly
personwhoneededtobeinhererightnow.ItwaswiththatthoughtinmindthatIbentandpressedmylips
againstaclean,barepatchofskinjustbelowherlefteye.“I’llberightback.Don’tdoanythingwhileI’m
gone.”Terrorgrippedmelikequicksand,refusingtoletmegofromitsdarkgrasp,evenforonlyafew
minutes. “There’s somebody I want you to meet.” I squeezed her hand once more then forced myself to
uncurlmyfingers.
Myshoessqueakedagainstthelinoleumastheycarriedmebackwardstothedoor.Turnaround.Go
getLaw.Comerightback.She’llbeokay.She’sgonnahangonformorethanafewminutes.She’sstrong;
strongerthanIeverwasandeverwillbe.Justgo.GetLawandcomerightback.
Iturnedandfled.
Iburstthroughthedoortotheprivatewaitingarea.ThesecondmyeyeshitLaw’s,hewasoutofhis
chairandcrossingtheroom.
Hisfacemorphedintoworryandpain.“Issheokay?”
Tearsburnedbeforespillinghotontomycheeks.Athornyvineformedfromyearsofsecretsandguilt
snakedaroundmystomach,squeezing,pricking,inflictingthepainIsodeservedtofeel.
Isoakedhimin,takingmylastlookofthemanI’dlovedmyentirelife.ThemanIfelldeeperinlove
withoverthepastthreedays,andopenedmymouthtodeliverthenewsthatwouldultimatelybreakus
beyondrepair.
Therewasnogoingback.
“She, she-she-she-she’s...” I sucked in air through my nose, “She’s okay. It’s not her. I need you to
comewithme.”
Hecuppedmecheek,andoh,howdidIwanttolayintohistouch.Thesmallmovementofhisthumb
swipingmytearsawayfeltlikehestruckamatchagainstthesensitiveskinbeneathmyeye.
Hisconcernedgazedmovedfrommetothedoorseparatingusfromher.“Ifyouneedme,ofcourse,I
will.”
Isteppedoutofhiscomfort.Ourpointofcontactfellinslowmotionbetweenus.“It’snotforme.It’s
justthat,ifsomethingweretohappen,Icouldn’tgoon–ˮ
Heattemptedtoshutdownthetrainofthoughtfromearlierbycuttingmeoffandsaying,“Nothing’s
goingtohappentoher.”Tryingtoclosethegrowinggapbetweenus,hisfeetshuffledforward,butitwas
toolate.Itwasliketheearthcrackedinapowerfulearthquake.Thechasmbetweenusspreadwiderand
wider,andthetectonicplatesshifted,andminedraggedmeouttosea.
“Law, listen to me.” I blew out a forceful exhale. “If something did. If. I couldn’t live with myself
knowingIletyousitouthere,whenyoushouldhavebeenintherewithher.Familystickstogether.”
“Okay,Cam,I’mlistening.IsaidI’dgointhereforyou.We’vealwaysbeenlikefamily.”
Igatheredthehairinfrontofmyheadandtwistedmyfingersatthecrown.“Idon’tmeanme.She’s
yourfamily,Law.She’syourrealfamily.”
Instantly after reiterating, he brows snapped together. His voice turned dark when he asked, “What
exactlyareyousaying?”
Icouldn’tlookathim.Myeyesdriftedtotherowofchairswe’dbeensittingintogethernotlongago,
wishingandknowingIcouldnevergobacktohavinghisarmsaroundmeandmyassinhislap.
“Lookatme,”hebarkedominously.
Idid.
“I’msayingshe’syourhalf-sister.”
“Fuck!”Hedidn’tdrawouttheword.Hespatitsharplylikeittastedfoulonhistongue.“How?How
inallthepossibilitiesintheworldcouldthathaveeverhappened?”
Ifeltlifeleakingoutofmeashewentfromlookingatmewithconcerntolookingatmewithdisgust.
Could I blame him? I’d worn the same expression every time I looked in the mirror for fourteen years.
Theshamehisproducedwithinmewasahundredtimesworse,butIdeservedit.
“Thedayyoutoldmeyouwantedtoseeotherpeople.Irodethebushome,sinceIdidn’twanttoget
intoyourtruck,andIthoughtthewholewaythere.Iwantedtotalktoyou,soIgotoffatthebusstopand
rantoyourhouse.Youweren’thome,andIbrokedown.”
“So,togetbackatmeyoufuckedmyfather?!”heroared.
Iflinched.“No!God,no.Thethoughtofrevengewasn’tevenonmymind.”
“Bullshit.”
“Itwasn’t.Isweartoyouonmylife,itwasn’t.Iwassohurtandaloneandvulnerable.Atthatpoint,
I’d truly lost everyone I’d ever cared about. Ritchie had been sick for over two years without signs of
gettingbetter.He’dbeenbackinthehospitalforanastyrespiratoryinfection,andthedaybeforewegot
thenewshiscancerhadspreadagain.Everyonearoundmewasleavingordying,Law,Ijust...”Igripped
thebackofmyheadinbothhands.Myeyeswelledwithtears,butIdidn’twanttocry.Ididn’twantto
makethisaboutmeandmyfeelingsrightnow.Ilookedtotheceilingandtriedtoblinkthemaway.Ihid
myeyes,butIcouldn’thidethetremorinmyvoice.“Idon’tevenknowwhathappened!OnesecondIwas
crying,andthenext,hewastellingmeIdidn’tdeservetohurtsomuch.”
“Idon’twanttohearthis.You’renothingbutagoddamnedwhore.”
Thosewordsreducedmyhearttodust.
“Admitit.Youseducedmyfathertogetbackatmeforhurtingyou,andwhenyougotpregnant,youran
away.Nowonderyoudidn’tcometome.”
“Law, please,” I begged. My breaths quickened. I was near hyperventilating. “You have to believe
me.”
Hewalkedpast,andittookeverythingtorestrainmyselffromreachingouttome.
“Idon’thavetobelieveanythingyousay.Notanymore.”
Hejammedthebuttontobuzzthenurses’stationwithhisthumb,andIfollowedhimdownthehall.
Thedoorsopened,andhepassedthroughwithoutacknowledgingmyexistence.
“Whichroomisshein?”
“Six.”Thewordfloatedoutofmeonashudderedbreath.
“Ican’tevenstandtolookatyou.Onceshe’soutofthewoodshere,wewon’tseeeachotheragain.
Not in any capacity other than me coming and going. But she’s,” he jerked his finger in the general
directionofEvelyn,“gonnabeinmylife.Youwillneverbe.”
He tore the door to her room open and left me outside. While every instinct inside me desperately
wantedtofollow,Igavehimfiveminuteswithheralone.
ThatwasallIcouldstand.
Iwasgratefultoseeheputachairontheleftsideofherbedforme.Theoneheoccupiedmirroredits
position.
I sat down and scooted as close as I could to her head. Reaching down, I lowered the guardrail,
crossedmyarms,andcreatedarestingplaceformyheadnexttohers.Myarmsservedasapillow.The
beepsandexpirationsofhermachinesfilledthesilence.
Atraincrashedinmymind,memoriesofthedayI’dtriedsohardtosuppressassailingmefromall
sides.I’dblockedthemoutandhadn’tallowedmyselftorelivethemforfourteenyears.
Today, I wasn’t strong enough to do that. They flooded forward. The dam I’d erected to hold them
backwasbroken.
12.
Fifteenyearsearlier...
Itwassnowing.
MymindwasnumbasIranthetwoandahalfblocksfrommyhousetoLaw’s.Icouldn’tfeelthehard
icecrystalspeltingmybackandmeltinginmyhair.
I couldn’t hear the wind whipping past my ears or the cars splashing through the puddles along the
sideoftheroad.
Headlights where nothing but a bright flash of yellow. The car behind them didn’t register. The sky
wasamassofchaotichuesofgray.
Sometimes being numb didn’t mean being unable to feel. Sometimes being numb meant feeling
anythingandeverythingallatonceandbeingunabletoprocessitall.
Thatwasme.Iwasnumb.IwasfeelingeverythinginawayIknewitwasabouttodestroyme.
Law and I got into a fight at school. A big fight. An epic fight. The kind of fight most people don’t
walkawayfromandremainbestfriends.
Letalone,friends.
Orevenless,boyfriend/girlfriend.
Whichweweren’tanyway.
Thishappenedatlunch,andtheentirerestoftheday,Icouldn’tfocusonanythingelse.Ishould’ve
beenhappyhewashonestwithme.Instead,Iwascrushed.
I took the bus home, rather than catching a ride with him like I did every day, and that gave me a
momenttothinkaboutwhathe’dsaid.
“Weshouldusethistimeforexperiences,Cami.Iwantourfuturetohavenoregrets.”
“Youandme,we’reaforeverkindofthing.”
Ifthatweretrue,thenhe’dhavenoproblembeingwithmerightnow.Buthehadtogoontosaythis.
“I’mgoingtodateSteph.
ThememoryofthosewordsrangthroughoutmyheadasLaw’shousecameintosight.Theymademy
gutclenchandachemorethantheOlympicspeedIsetmypacetoinmydesperationtogettoLawbefore
heleft.
Withtheicysnownumbingmyface,Icouldn’tevenfeelthetearsstreamingdownmycheeks.
Ihithisporchstillrunningandhurtledupallthreestepsinoneleap.Myfistcollidedwithhisfront
door.Stillpounding,Ishouted,“Law!Openup!”
Nobodyyelledbackandthedoordidn’tmove.Ihiccuppedasobandaclarityenteredmydesperate
mind.Mysurroundingsappeared,andItookthemin.Law’struckwasn’tevenparkedinthedrive.
Disbeliefplacedmyhandonthedoorhandleandturned.
Shockmovedmyfeetforwardinsideofhishouse.
Painsentmerunningupthestairstohissecond-floorbedroom.
Empty.
Ibarelymadeittotheedgeofhisbedbeforemykneesgaveout,andIcollapsed.Naively,Ithought
myopinionwouldgettohim.Wouldchangehismind.HeknewhowmuchIcaredabouthim,didn’the?
WhywouldhetrysohardtopushmeawaywhenIwasbegginghimnotto?
Whywasshebetterthanme?
I was stupid, that’s why. I’d lost just about everything. My parents were gone. Ritchie’s condition
deteriorated daily. Maybe Law’s had enough of the lonely girl with the sad story? As many times as I
heardbadnewsorlostsomebody,he’dbeentheretosupportme.CouldIblamehimforsayingenoughis
enough?
Maybe he’s right. He needed to have real high school experiences while he still could. Cancer and
deathandmoneywereadultresponsibilitiesheshouldn’thavetothinkabout.
Butwheredidthatleaveme?Icouldn’tjustwalkawayfrommylife.Icouldn’tpretendmyparents
werestillaliveandthatthebrotherIlookeduptowasn’tdyingfromcancer.
The tears physically hurt as they trailed down my sensitive cheeks. I fisted my fingers into the soft
duvetonhisbed.
“Whynow,Law?”Iwhispered.
“Cami?Areyouallright?”
Law’sfatherstoodintheentrytoLaw’sroom,grippingthedoorframealmostasifhewereholding
on.
Istartledandtriedtodashawaythetearsonmycheeks,butitwasnouse.Theykeptfalling.“Y-yes.
I’msorryforbargingin.”
“DidsomethinghappentoRitchie?”Heaskedwiththesametoneofconcernhissonwouldhave,and
thattwistedmyheartfurther.
“No,sir.Nothinglikethat.”
“Law?”Thistimehisvoiceheldfearforhimself.Hesteppedfurtherintotheroomandstoppedatthe
endofthebed,fingersgrippingthefootboard.
“No!I-I’msorry,”Ichoked,anothersobtakingholdathearinghisnamealoud.Thismightbethelast
timeIsitinthishouse.
“Thenwhatisit?”
Idroppedmyhead,suckinginadeepbreaththroughmynose.“Wehadafight,”Imuttered.
“Oh.”
“Ilovehim,andhe’sonadatewithanothergirl.”
Hisfathersighedandroundedthebedtositbesideme.“It’snosurprisetomethatyoulovemyboy.
Thetwoofyouhavebeennearlyinseparablesincewemovedherewhenhewasseven.”
Afreshwaveoftearsassaultedmeattheyearsofmemories.
“Thatsaid,he’sgonnadowhathewants.Thatmightmeanseeingothergirls.Thatmightmeanthetwo
ofyoudon’tenduptogether.But,Cami.”Hewaiteduntilhehadmyattention.“Asclichédasthissounds,
ifit’smeanttobe,he’llcomebacktoyou.”
“That’sbullshitboyssaysotheycanfoolaroundwhilethegirlwaitsforthemtocomeback.”
Helaughed,andhiseyesfocusedfaraway.“Yeah,maybe.”
“I don’t want to wait for someone who isn’t coming back.” I started crying again. I couldn’t get a
handleonthepainandtalkingwasn’thelpingme.
“Aw,girl.Comehere.Don’tcryovermyboneheadedson.”Hisfatheropenedhisarmswide,andI
accepted.It’dbeenalongtimesinceI’dhadcomfortfromsomeoneotherthanLaw,andhavingspentso
muchtimeinhishouse,hisdadwasprobablytheclosestthingIhadtoaparentalfigure.Ididn’tviewhim
assuch,butsolongashissoncaredforme,hedidaswell.
WhichmeantifIlostLaw,I’dlosehisparents,too.
Iwassickofloss.Whycouldn’tanyoneIlovedstickaround?
Thetearswouldn’tstop.Theyworsenedwiththehugsohisfathereventuallypulledaway.Hehanded
meatissuefromtheboxonLaw’sbed.“Idon’twanttoknowwhythesearehere,”hejoked,gettinga
smallsmilefromme.“Letmegetyousomewater.”
Whenheleft,IcrawleduptoLaw’spillowandcurledintoaballonmyside,facingtheroom.My
headwasamillionmilesaway,inthelandofmemoriesandfuturesthatwouldneverhappen,whilemy
heartwaslodgedinmythroat.Tearsleakedcontinuouslyuntilthecottonbeneathmycheekwassoaked
andstrandsofhairstucktomyface.Thetissueclenchedinmyhandbecameuseless.
Ittookawhileforhisfathertoreturn.IassumedhewascallingLawtocomedealwithme,because
whatadultmalewantstodealwithahormonal,crying,teenagedgirl?Buthecamebackwithasoftlook
onhisfaceandaglassofwaterinhishand.
Hesatdownclose,thesideofhislefthipnearthecrookwhereminebent,andhandedmethewater.
AsIcameupononeelbow,Inoticedtheunmistakablesmellofboozeonhim.Law’sfatherwasn’ta
bigdrinker,butitseemedthelastfewweekshe’dbeenpickingupthebottlemoreoften.
I wrapped my fingers against the cool glass, the condensation making them slippery. “Thanks.” I
chuggedit.
Hetooktheglassfrommeandplaceditonthenightstand.Ifloppedbackontothepillowandtucked
myhandsbeneathmyhead.
“Letmejust...stopcrying...andI’llgo.”ThewordsstutteredasItriedtobreathethroughthetears.
“Mysonisanidiot.”
My eyes flew to his at those words. His eyes were the only thing the two of them had in common.
Lookingintothemhurtmesobad.
“He’sgotsuchagoodthingrightinfrontofhim,andhe’sthrowingitawayfornothing.Thatgirlhas
beenchasingafterhimformonths.Ifhedoesn’tgethisheadoutofhisass,he’sgoingtoregretthisforthe
restofhislife.”
Iwhimpered,thewordshurtingwhat’salreadydamaged.“Youaren’thelping,”Icriedsoftly.
He brushed the strands of hair away from my forehead. “You’re beautiful, and my son is a damn
idiot.”
Thecomplimentwarmedmeandmademefeelunderstood.
Whatwashappeninghere?
His eyes unfocused as he stared just above my forehead. “He’s still a boy. Doesn’t know how
preciouswomenare.ButI’maman,Cami.Iknow,”hemuttered.
Ishouldn’thaveasked.Iknewitwasn’tright,butIdiditanyway.“Whatdoyouknow?”
Hiseyesfocusedbackonmine,andhedroppedhiselbowtothebedtoleanincloser.Thetipsofhis
fingersskimmedmyhip.Mybodyfroze;atthesametime,theairseemedtoevaporatefrommylungs.I
heldmybreath.
“Iknowhowabeautifulwomandeservestobetreated.Howtomakeherfeelgood.Icanshowyou,
Cami.Beingwithsomeonedoesn’thavetohurtthismuch.”
Ididn’tthinkIanswered.Maybemysubconscioustookoverandmyheadgaveanimperceptiblenod.
Maybemylipswhisperedyes,andIjustdon’tremember.Or,maybeitwasonmyface.Myfeaturesgave
theinvitation,andhegladlyaccepted.
Whateveritwas,thenextthingIknewhismouthwasonmine.Firm,yetexploring.
Thefirstsecondfeltwrong,butthenmybodysoftened.Amankissingmefeltgood.Everyonewantsto
beloved.Tobewanted.Whywasthissodifferent?
Iknewwhy,butinthatmoment,itwaseasiertopretend.ItwaseasiertotellmyselfthatIwasworthy
ofattentionwhenIfeltanythingbut.ItwaseasiertoshoveLaw’schoicesundertherugtobedealtwithat
anothertime.ItwaseasiertopushdownthesicknessatwhatwashappeningandimagineIwaskissing
someoneelse.
Hisbodymovedtocoverminemorefully,andIstiffened.
“Relax.You’resobeautiful.”
Hereachedbetweenusandunsnappedmyjeans.Exhaustionfromthecryingjagsetin,andmyvision
blurred.Ahazeovertookme.
Thepuzzletoreintojaggedsnapshotsatthatpoint,onesIcouldonlyseemtorecallifIreallytried.
His hands and mouth touching me. The pain of him pushing inside. The angry bite of stretched and
shiftedclothing.Thesensationashefoundhisrelease.
Theurgencyofhisvoicecoaxingmetogetdressed.
Thesilenceofhimdrivingmehome.
Theforcefulsuggestionthatweshouldkeepwhathappenedasecret,whichonlyservedtoremindme
thatIwasn’tcaredabout,atall.
***
Threeweekslater,aftermissingmyusuallyregularperiod,Itookapregnancytestthatcameoutpositive.
Thatsamenight,LawshowedupatmyhousewhenIgothomefromworkatthelocaldinertogetme
back.
I’dsaidno.
Thenextday,whenIshouldhavebeeninschool,IwalkedbacktoLaw’shouse.Hisfatherwashome,
asI’dexpected,andseemedalmostterrifiedtoletmeinthedoor.
“Whathappenedbeforecan’thappenagain.”
HethoughtIwastheretohavesex.Iwassodeadinsidethattherewasn’troomforplayinggames.
“I’mpregnant.”
He’dletmeinlongenoughtotrytotalkmeintoanabortion.WhenI’drefused,notbecauseIwanted
something from him–but because I couldn’t imagine letting a doctor murder the baby growing inside of
me–hegotangry.
“You’re nothing but a little girl. What did you expect to happen here?” He tore a hand through his
short,buzzedhair.Thesightofthosehandsnauseatedme.“ThatI’dleavemyfamilytoraiseachildwith
you?Ifanybodyfoundout,Icouldgotojail.”
“I’dnevertellanybody.That’snotwhatIwant.Idon’tanythingfromyou.”
He leaned forward on the island that stood between us, gripping the edge until his knuckles turned
white.“Thenwhyareyouhere?”hehissedthroughclenchedteeth.
“Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowwhattodo.”
“Getridofit.”
“No.”
“Thisisblackmail.IfIgodown,I’mruiningyourreputation.You’llbeknownasthetownslut.”He
clenchedhisjawandlookedouttothefour-seasonedporchthatdoubledashisoffice.Withoutwarning,
hetookoffinthatdirection.
Iwatched,statutestill,ashetorethroughdrawers.Thewhitedressshirtheworebecamewrinkled
fromhisfranticmovements.
“WhathaveIdone?”HecoveredhisfaceandspokeinawayIdidn’tthinkheintendedmetohear
him.“Youhavetoleave.”
Hisvoicebecamelouder.“Youhavetoleave.”
“Ican’tleave,”myvoiceshook.“WherewouldIgo?”
“It’stheonlysolution.I’llgiveyoumoney,andyouhavetogetoutofhere.”
“Gowhere?I’velivedinLogansvillemyentirelife.”
Thissolutioncalmedhimdown.Headjustedtheburgundy,paisleytieheworeandroundedhisdesk.
Hestoppedinfrontofme,thankfullyanappropriatedistanceaway.“Ihavemoney,butyouhavetoleave.
I’ll give you ten grand upfront and twenty-five hundred dollars a month until the baby is eighteen. The
only condition is you leave and never come back. You can’t tell anyone where you’ve gone or that the
babybelongstome.”
Iswallowedhardandlookedaroundthespacethathadbeensomuchlikeasecondhome.Knowing
I’dneverstepfootinthereagaincausedanachetospreadthroughoutmychest.
I’dneverseeLawagain.
I knew what I had to do as soon as he’d said it. There wasn’t another option. Only, I had one
condition.
“I’lltakethetengrandtodayandleave.Rightnow.I’llpackmythingsandgo.Ineedyourhelpgetting
adecentcartogetmeawayfromhere,though.Minewouldnevermakeit.Thelastthingeitherofusneeds
ismycarbreakingdownandforcingmetocomeback.”
“Done.Anythingelse?”
“Idon’twantyourcharity.Idon’twanttherestofthemoney.”
“Non-negotiable.”
“That’s stupid. Give me the cash, and I’ll be gone. A monthly payment would only leave a paper
trail.”
Hesighed.Hishandsmovedtorestonhiships,andhischindroppedtohischest.“You’restillalittle
girl,Cami.”Heraisedhiseyestomine.“AsmuchasIwanttomakethis,andyou,disappear,Ican’tjust
letyougooutintotheworldonyourownwithnothing.You’resixteen.Youdon’tevenhaveahighschool
diploma.Whatkindofjobdoyouexpecttogetthatcouldprovidelivablewages?”
“That’snotyourbusiness.Thisismycondition.Takeitorleaveit.”
“Youaren’tleavingmemuchofachoice.”
“Idon’thaveanychoices,soit’sonlyfair,isn’tit?”
Hisresponsewastopickupthephoneandmakearrangementstoremovethecashfromthebank.
Westoppedatmyhousetopackmythings.Afterpickingupthemoney,hetookmetoausedcarlot
andpurchasedagently-used,redHondaCivic.Igotinthedriver’sseat,andwedroveseparatelydown
thehighwaytoputmythingsintomynewcarawayfrompryingeyes.
As I was climbing in a second time, ready to drive away from the only life I’d ever known, Law’s
fatherstoppedmebycallingmyname.
I froze with one foot out the door and a hand on the handle, about to slam it shut. My head turned
towardhisvoicetoseehe’dstoppedjustbesidemyrearwheel.
“Iwantedtosaygoodluck.Iwishyouandthebabyallthebest.And,thatI’msorry.”
Withbarelyconcealedemotion,IgaveittohimasstraightasIcouldwithoutbreakingdown.“Ihope
therestofyourlifesucks.Everyday,Ihopeyouthinkaboutthevulnerablegirlyouusedandthechild
you’llneverknow,andIhopeiteatsatyouuntilit’sdestroyedyouasmuchasyou’vedestroyedmylife.”
Ipulledmylegin,slammedthedoor,andlefthimstandingonthesideofasnowybackroad.
***
Imadeonestoponmywayoutoftown.Theconditionsofouragreementweretokeepthisasecret.I’d
forced myself to leave without telling Law, but there was nothing in the world that could stop me from
tellingmybrotherwhereI’dgone.
Thatwasthefinalpiecethatbrokeme.
Hewassofrailinthathospitalbed;thesterilewhiteroomharshonmyeyeswhenIentered.Ihitthe
dial to turn down the overhead lighting to give him a more comfortable setting. At the change, his eyes
flittedtowhereIwasmotionlessinthedoorway.
Theoxygenmaskcoveringhisfacelookeduncomfortableandforeign.Seeinghiminthatstatetoremy
alreadyabusedhearttoshreds.Icouldn’tbelieveIwasabouttodothis.Totakecareofmyownselfish
mistakesandleavemydyingbrotherbehind.
“Whatare...youdoing...here?”
“Shh.Don’ttalk.Justlisten.”
I launched into the story, not leaving out a single detail. Minutes in and his hand searched the bed
blindlyformine.Whenhefoundit,thetightgripsentarushofemotionintomythroat.Sadnesscoatedmy
vision,andthepainatallIwasgoingtomisscarvedupapermanentresidenceinmychest.
“Idon’twanttogo.”
“You...haveto.”Heforcedout,coughingbetweenthewords.“I’llbe...okay.Andsowill...you.”
“I’m so scared, Witchy.” And I really was, automatically slipping into using the old nickname I’d
givenhim.
“You’restrong.Strongestperson...Iknow.”
Thethoughtmademelaugh.“Yeahright,I’mweak.You’rethestrongone,laidupinahospitalbed
andcomfortingyourstupidsister.”
“Iloveyou,”hecroaked.
“Iloveyou,too.I’mgoingtogetajobassoonasIgetsettled,andonceIdothat,I’llstartsendingyou
money,okay?Don’tyouworry.I’mstillgoingtotakecareofyouthebestIcan.And,nowthatIwon’tbe
inschool,Icanworkallthetime–ˮ
Hisgripgotpainfullytight.“Youwillnot.Finishschool.GetaGED.Promiseme.”
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknowifIcan.Ineedthemoneytosupportus.”
“Promise.Me.”
Forthefirsttimesincemybrothergotreallysick,Iliedtohisface.“Ipromiseyou.”
Leavingthatroomwaslikecuttingoffmyarmandleavingitbehind.Fromthatdayforward,apartof
mewasalwaysmissing,hollowedoutlikeit’dbeensurgicallyremovedandthesurroundingtissuenever
grewbackinitsplace.WithEvelyn’sbirth,anewpieceofmegrew,butitfeltlikeanimplant,ratherthan
areplacementfortheplacewhereRitchieoncewas.
13.
Iwokeuptothesoundofalarmsringingandpeopleshouting.Anursegrabbedmebytheshouldersand
startedpullingmeoutoftheroom.“Ma’am,youneedtogivethemroomtowork.”
“No! Please, help her, please,” I chanted, as fear soared inside of me. My beautiful baby girl was
codingrightbeforemyeyes.
I’dworkedthroughalotoftraumasovermyyearsasaparamedic.I’dseenitallfrominfantstothe
elderly,buttherewasnothingthatcoulddescribethehorrorandpainofwitnessingithappentosomeoneI
loved.
“Please.”Iwatchedthemworkonher,preparingthepaddlestodefibrillate.
Someone else clamped onto my shoulders and began pulling me from the room. “Come here, Cami.
They need to do their job.” His voice mirrored mine, shaking with terror at what he was witnessing. I
triedtearinghisarmsoffme,scratchingandtwistinginhisgrip,butitwasnouse.HehadmeinaholdI
couldn’tshake.
Igavein,lettinghimpullmefromtheroom.
Oncethere,Iexpectedhimtoletgo,toshovemeawayindisgust.
Hedidn’t.
Hepulledmetotheothersideofherdoorway,farenoughthatIcouldn’tseeandcouldbarelyhear
whatwashappeningwithmylittlegirl,andhepressedmybackupagainstthewall.
Onearmsnakedaroundmywaist,andtheothershotuptogripthebackofmyneck.Hepressedmy
faceintohischestandburiedhisinthesideofneck.Heswayedus,humminganunrecognizabletuneina
deep,lowvoicethatbothhurtandsoothedme.
Thesoundoftheshockbeingdeliveredstartledme,andhisarmsgottighter.
“Wegotherback,”Iheardavoicesay,andthatwaswhenmykneesgaveout.
Lawcradledmeaswesanktothefloortogether.
“She’sokay,she’sokay,she’sokay,she’sokay,”hechanted.Iwasn’tsureifitwasmoreforhimself
orme.Iwantedtoarguethatshe’snot.Thatifherheartwasstopping,therewasnothingokayabouther.
ButIkeptthattomyself.
Onebyone,peoplebeganfilingfromtheroom,andIscrambledtomyfeet.AsIroundedthecornerof
herdoorway,thedoctorstoodinmypath.
“Whathappened?”
Hismouthtightened,andheshookhishead.“Ithappenssometimesafteratrauma.Thebodycanonly
takesomuch.I’msorryIdon’thaveabetteranswerforyou.We’regoingtorunsomemoretests.”
Law’s hand wrapped around my shoulder, and I reached up to hold it in mine. “Is she going to be
okay?”
“Onlytimewilltell.Iknowit’sdifficult,butwe’reinaperiodofwaitandsee.Untilherbodybegins
toheal,wewon’tknowforcertain.”
“Thankyou.”
Henodded,andwesteppedbacktolethimpass.
Law and I took turns at her bedside, waiting for her to heal enough to wake up. I went to visit her
friendMaggieontheothersideoftheward.Shemadeitthroughsurgeryandwasdoingwell.Herinjuries
werelessextensive,butstillsevere.Shealsohadthementalchallengeofprocessingandmovingforward
fromhermother’sdeath.Iknewfromexperiencethatitwouldtakealongtime.
IwashomeshoweringthreedayslaterwhenLawcalledtotellmethedoctorsaidtheycouldtryto
wakeherfromthecomasoon.We’dbecomecordialwithoneanother,butthedistancethatseparatedus
grewmorepalpableasEvelyn’sconditionimproved.Ididn’thaveamomentofdoubtthatonceshewoke
up,ournewfuture,andtherolehewouldcontinuetoplayinourlives,wouldberevealed.
Fourdayslater,Evelynopenedherbabyblueeyes.HowImanagedtokeepittogetherwasamystery.
Theyremovedtheintubationtube,andIclutchedmybaby,mindfulofherhealingbody,andtoldherhow
happyIwastoseeher.
Withthehelpofthedoctor,wepiecedtogethertheaccidentandwhatwastocome.Shetookthenews
hard,thelossofLorievenharder,andweendedupsedatingherfortherestoftheevening.IsentLaw
hometoshowerandsleepinarealbed,whileItookoverthecot.
The next morning, Nathan and Kiersten rotated in and out on their way to work. Neither could stay
verylong,butbothpromisedtoreturnassoonastheycould.Kierstenpromisedtobringmoviesandcard
gameslaterintheweektokeepEvelyncompanysoIcouldgohomeandgetapropernight’ssleep.Ijust
smiled,becauseIdidn’thavethehearttotellherI’dneversleepsoundlyagain.
Every time I closed my eyes, the image of Evelyn all broken and bloody overcame my mind like a
nastyinfection.Everytimethesilencestretched,IcouldhearNathan’svoicedeliveringmethenewsno
motherwantedtohear.Nightafternight,Iwokeuptothesoundsofmyownscreamsringinginmyears.
ThetortureIfeltwasasmallpricetopayincomparisontotheroadEvelynhadaheadofher.
Lawrelievedmeaftermyfriendsleft,soIcouldgetsomebreakfastanddropintowork.Mybosshad
calledtwiceinasmanydays,lookingforanupdateonwhatIneededandhowmuchtimeI’dbegone.
Ididn’twanttobeawayfromEvelynforlong,though,soIskippedwork,tellingmyselfI’dcallthem
later,andgrabbedabreakfastsandwichfromthecoffeeshopnextdoor.
WhenIreturned,LawandEvelyn’shushedvoicesfloatedintothehall.Icouldn’tmakeoutthewords,
but they sounded sweet conversing alone with one another. The thought of things that’d never be sent a
daggerpiercingthroughmyheart.
***
Threeweekstothedayoftheaccident,Evelynwasreleasedfromthehospital.Afterseveralsurgeriesto
fixtheabdominaldamageandherbrokenpelvis,shewasfreetocomehome.Shecouldn’tgetaroundby
herself for another week, pending clearance from her surgeon. Even though her pelvis was quickly
healing,hewasmoreconcernedaboutherinternalrepairs.
Shewasn’ttoomiserable,though,becauseLawandKierstenkepthercompany.
Because I’d gone through much of our emergency stash with my own previous injury, I needed to
returntoworkassoonaspossible.Atthestartofhersecondweekpost–accident,Ipickedupextrashifts.
Mybossalsoorderedmetoweeklytherapy,ontopofmynormalhours,tohelpmefromsufferingfrom
PTSD.
Law took over staying at the hospital until she could go home, where he resumed looking after her
there.Itwaspureluckthathehadajobthatwasmostlyseasonal.
Imissedhersomuchthatmystomachcrampedconstantly,andIcalledandtextedhernonstop.Iwas
certainsheandLawgossipedaboutmycrazybehavior,butIcouldn’thelpit.Iwasafraid.
I’dcomesoclosetolosingherthateverytimeIhadtoleave,itfeltlikeitwashappeningallover
again.
I’d done two weeks straight of five-on-two-off shifts before I took my five days off. Doing so
provided me with a paycheck that made up for lost wages, and set me back on my usual schedule of
workingwithNathan.Aftereverything,Iwasn’tsureifhe’dwanttobemypartneragain.Forme,what
wewentthroughthedayofEvelyn’saccidentcompletelywipedawayanywrongdoingsinmymind.Since
Ididn’treceivenoticeofatransferrequest,itappearedhefeltthesame.
Iwassurprisedwhen,duringthefirstofmyfivedaysoff,Lawannouncedhewouldn’tbearounduntil
Iwentbacktoworkagain.
Ishouldn’thavebeen.Thatmorning,hecamearoundlikehe’ddoneforthepastweek.Heavoidedme
whileIgotready,butasthedayprogressed,Ihadasenseofuneaseforminginmygut.
LikewhenIwasdoingthedishesandLawwalkedinwithabasketfullofEvelyn’ssheets.He’dbeen
doingthemallweek,keepingherbeddingfreshandclean.Theminutehehittheentrancetothekitchen
andsawme,Iwatchedthroughthereflectioninthewindowashedroppedthebasketonthefloorandleft
withoutaword.Iendedupwashinghersheets.
At lunchtime, instead of preparing her something to eat from the kitchen, he left and bought deli
sandwiches.
So,whenIjoinedtheminthelivingroom,andthesecondmyasshitthereclinerbesidehisheasked
tospeakwithmeinprivate,achallengeformedinmyhead.
“Why?”Iasked,loweringmyvoicetokeepEvelynfromeavesdropping.Thetwohadbegunforminga
bondwhileI’dbeenworking,andIfeltguiltybeingthereasonhedidn’twanttostickaround.
IfIfeltguilty,Iwascertainshe’dhateme.
“Youknowwhy.I’veputupwithyouforhersake,butIcan’tbestuckinthishousewithyou.Notfor
anhour,notforfivedays.”
Hiswordshurtbuttheyweretrue,andIdeservedeveryoneofthem.
Iwonderedifthiswaswhatcustodyfeltlikebetweendivorcedparents.Fightingovertimewiththe
kids,whiletryingtoseetheotherparentaslittleaspossible.
“Don’thurthertogetawayfromme.Wecanworksomethingout.Icanleavetogiveyoutwotime.Do
somegroceryshoppingorsomething.”
Lawdroppedhisheadandstudiedhisboots.“FuckifI’mgoingtohelpyou.Getgroceriesonyour
owndamntime.”
Ouch.
IthoughtaboutthrowingitinhisfacethatIhadtobuygroceriesforEvelyn,too,butknowingLaw,
he’dstormoutandbuyherapersonalizedstashoffoodthatIwasn’tallowedtotouch.
“Okay,sowhatdoItellher?Whensheaskswhyyou’resuddenlygoneaftersittingatherbedsidefor
thepastmonth?”
“SheknowswhereI’mgoing.”Hejabbedafingerinmydirection.“Youdon’tneedtoknow.”
Mymouthdroppedopen.Iquicklysnappeditshut,speechless.
Yes,I’dhurtusbeyondrepair,andIcouldonlyimaginehowdisgustedhewaswithme,buthewasnot
abouttodisrespectmeinmyownhome.
“Fine,”Ibitout.Ihatedthathebroughtoutthissideofme.Ihatedwecouldn’tgetalongforhersake,
and instead, acted like two children fighting over a favorite toy. “Get out. Enjoy your time alone. But
when you get back, you better bring a different attitude because I’m not going to stand here and let you
disrespectmeinmyowndamnhouse.”
Ifumed.Hefumed.
Heglared.Iglaredrightback.
“Fine,”hegrunted,andthundereddownthehall.
“Fine!”Ishoutedathisretreatingback.
Thefrontdoorshut.Notwithabang,buttherewasforcebehindit.
“Mom?”
Crap.Theweightofitallnearlybroughtmetomyknees.MyheaddroopedandIgrippedthehairat
thesidesofmyhead.
Emotiontoyedwithme.Ifeltthegamut.Anger,sadness,hurt,guilt,shame,regret.IfIhadn’ttoldhim,
we could’ve been enjoying a completely different reality right now, one where we were both spending
timewithEvelyntogetherasifwewereafamily.We’dhadthatonegloriousweekendamonthagothat
hadlinedupthepossibilityofthatfuturesoperfectly.
AndIshatteredit.
Ithadtocomeout.Iknewthat.WhowasItomoveusforwardwithoutgivinghimtheonepieceofthe
puzzlehe’dbeendesperatetohaveforsolong?Itwasdone.Icouldn’tdwell.
Thetrajectoryofmyfuturehadbeenforeveraltered.
Ididn’twantalifeofloveifIcouldn’thaveLaw.Thatwascleartome.Whatwewentthroughthe
pastfewmonthschangedme.
ThefeelingsIhadforhimbeforeheshowedupallstemmedfromalostchildhoodlove.Theywere
fantasy.We’dsharedsweetkisses,happymemories,andhopesforthefuture.Iwasforcedtogiveupthe
dreamofhimatsixteen,andIspentthenextfourteenyearssurroundedbythewhat–if’s.
Itwasdifferentnow.
Thosemomentswerenownightsspentintheother’sbed.Kissesturnedtopassionatesex.Thehopes
ofthefuturehadseemedmoreattainablethanever.Losinghimnow...therewasnogoingbackfromthat.
I’dtastedthesweetnessofhavinghiminmylifeasanadult,andthataddictionwouldfollowmeforthe
restofmylife.
I wiped beneath my eyes with my thumb and index finger, careful not to smear my eyeliner, and
walkedbacktoEvelynonthecouch.
Herfaceheldaconcernsheshouldn’tbefeelingforme.Iwashermother.Shewasmyconcern,not
theotherwayaround.
I swallowed my guilt and curled up in the recliner beside the sofa. It was out of its usual place,
becauseneitherLaworIcouldseemtostandbeingmorethantwofeetawayfromher.
“Whyareyouguysfightingwitheachother?”Straighttothepoint.Iwould’vebeenproudifIwasn’t
annoyed.
“Adults have disagreements, honey. Nothing for you to worry about right now.” Reaching out, I
combedherhairwithmyfingers.
“You’vebeendisagreeingforweeks,now.Idon’tlikeit.Idon’tlikeitbecauseitmakesyousad,and
Idon’tlikeitbecauseIdon’twanthimtoleaveandnevercomeback.”
Myhandfroze.
Whendidshebecomesoperceptive?AndhowdidIanswerthat?
“Doyouknowwherehe’sgoingrightnow?”
IheldmybreathasIawaitedherresponse.Iwasn’taboveusingmyfourteen-year-oldforinformation.
Besides,Iwasgoingsomewherewiththis.
Shenodded.Hermouthfellopen,andthenshesnappeditclosedandmovedhergazeoutthewindow.
“Whatisit?”
Sheshrugged.“Hesaidhehadtogobackhomeforawhile.And,thathedidn’tknowwhenhe’dbe
back.”
DidhomemeanhishouseordidhomemeanLogansville?
Shelookedatme,andwhatIsawinhereyesnearlystoppedmyheart.“Helikesyou,mom.Hedidn’t
tellmethat,butIknowhedoes.Iseehowhelooksatyouwhenyouaren’tpayingattention.And,Ilike
havinghimhere.I’veneverhadadadbefore,andIknowhe’snotmydad.Hesaidhedoesn’thaveany
kids, but he should. I don’t know what it’s like, having a real dad, but I think he’s doing things a dad
woulddoandIlikethat.
“And,”shebitherlip,suddenlynervous.“Well,ifyoudon’tlikehim,Ithinkyoushould;becausehe
likes you and I like him, and we could be like a real family or something. I don’t know...” Her voice
trailedoffandshepulledherblanketoverherhead.
Iwascompletelyspeechless.
Scratchthatonherbeingperceptive.Thiswasn’tperception,thiswasherlivinginafourteen-year-
old’simaginaryworld.Iknewthedamnfeelingalltoowell.
“Evelyn,”Icalledgently.Iwantedtoseeherfaceaswetalkedaboutthis.Lettingherdownwasgoing
tohurtusboth.
Myfingertipsgrazedtheblanketoverherhead,butherchokedvoicemademepause.“Don’t.Leave
it,”shecriedhysterically.
Whywasshecrying?
Ipeeledtheblanketoverherheadanyway,andshedidn’tfightme.Thesightofhertear–streakedface
toremyheartintopieces.“Oh,Evelyn,”Isighed.“What’sgoingon,honey?Thisismorethanmefighting
withLaw.”
Herlowerlipquiveredinawaythattoldmeshewasonthevergeofbreakingdown.Islidoutofthe
reclinerontomykneesbesidethecouchandpulledherintomyarms.“Talktome.”
“It’sjustthatIdon’thaveadad,andhe’dmakeareallygooddad.”
Myarmstightenedandgaveherashake.“But,youhaveaprettyawesomemom.”
Herbreathhitchedasshetriedtosuppressasob.“Maggiedidn’thaveadad.Sheonlyhadamom,
andhermomd-d-died.Now,she’sallalone.”
Oh,god.
Iknewshehadn’tbeendealingwellwiththelossofLori.Wemissedtheservice,becauseEvelynwas
stillinthehospitalafterhavinganothersurgery.Ithinkitmadeherfeelguilty.Itriedhavingatherapist
talktoher,andsheopenedupsome,butitseemedtheonlythingtohelpthegriefwouldbetime.
Whatsheneversharedwasthisfearoflosingmeandbeingalone.
Alumpformedinmythroat,andIblinkedbacktearsofmyown.Ittookeverythinginmetokeepmy
voicesteadyandreassuringwhenit’dbesomucheasiertocrywithher.
“Evelyn,lookatme.”
Iexpectedhertobehesitant,buthertear–filledeyesshottomine,wideandsearching,asifIheldall
the answers in the world. I wished I did. The only thing I could do was try my best and help her
understand.
“Theworldcanbeaterrifyingplace.IwishIcouldtellyoudifferently,butbadthingshappentogood
peopleallthetime.It’shorribleandunfair,andthesuckypartis,there’snotawholelotwecandoabout
it.Maggie’smomdidn’tcausethataccident.Theblackicedid.Therewasn’tanythinganyonecouldhave
donetostopitfromhappening,andthatsucksbaby,itsucksawholelot.Loriwasabeautifulperson.A
greatmom,agoodfriendtous.We’regoingtomissherforalongtime.”Iwipedawaythetearsrolling
downhercheeks.Morefollowed,butthegesturecomfortedme.“Butyouneedtounderstandthatyouare
loved. So loved. You need to understand that even when bad things happen, that love will help you
throughit.
“If, God forbid, anything happened to me, your Aunt Kiersten would be there in a heartbeat. I also
knowdeepdown,evenifheandIdon’talwaysgetalong,thatLawwouldbe,too.Hewouldnever,ever
leaveyoutofendforyourself.”
Itwastrue.HeandIcouldhateeachotherfortherestofourlives,butnowthatheknowsthetruth,he
won’tgoanywhere.She’shisfamily,andLaw’snothingifnotloyal.
IloathedmyselfformypastmistakesandhavingtohurtLawnotonlyonce,buttwice.IgotEvelynout
ofthemessImadethefirsttime,andoutofthesecond,IgavehertheonepersonwhoI’dtrustedwithmy
life.ItwaspasttimeIlearnedtoforgivemyself,becausebothofthosewerethingsIcouldn’tbringmyself
toregret.
“Howcanyoubesure?”
“Because. Once upon a time, I knew him better than I knew anybody. Before Kiersten, before you
were born, before my brother died, I had Law, and he was my best friend. That might have been what
feelslikeaneternityago,butthosegoodqualitiesinpeople,honey,they’remadeinthebeginning,soI
know.Iknowhe’snotgoinganywhereforyou.”
“Theyare?”
“Mmhm.” I gave her another squeeze. “It’s also how I know you’re going to be a wonderful, kind,
selfless person, because that’s who you are now. That’s not going to change. But, honey?” I waited to
continueuntilIhadherfullattention,becauseIneededtomakesuresheunderstoodthisnextpart.
Usingtheblanket,shedriedthelastofthetearsoffhercheeks.“Yeah?”
“I’msorryyou’remissingoutonnothavingadad.ButIneedtoknowyouunderstandthat’snotwhat
Lawistoyou.Youneedtolethimbeinyourlife,howhecan,andnotmakehimfeellikehehastobe
somethingheisn’t.”
“Istillthinkhe’dbeagooddad,”shemumbled,buttherewasasparkofattitudethattoldmeshegot
me.
“Evelyn.”
“Iunderstand,mom.”
“Good.Also,Iloveyoumorethanenoughfortwoparents,soyou’reprettylucky.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
Westayedcuddledforawhile,talkingquietlyaboutmakingavisittoMaggiesoon.Oncehersadness
trickled away, she bounced back into my Evelyn and suggested we played a game. After nearly three
hoursofMonopoly,whichshewon,Imadeusgourmetmac‘ncheese(fromabox),andweatedinnerin
frontoftheTV,watchingGrey’sAnatomy.
Toomanypeoplediedinthisdamnshow.Ispenthalfthetimeblinkingbacktearsandtheotherhalf
tryingtonotchokeonmymac‘ncheese.
14.
Lawloweredtheglassofwhiskeytohischest,leanedbackintheblackleatherofficechair,andregarded
thedisorderedmessofpapersscatteredovertheoaksurfaceofthedesk.Theeveninglightseepedthrough
thedrawnshadessurroundinghim;thefour-seasonedporchbathedinadimglow.Onelampwaslit,the
one to his right, and a single spotlight shone directly on the cream envelop he found just that evening.
Dayshadpassed,drunkoffalcoholandthedesperationtofindevidence,anythingtoproveordisprove
whatshesaid.
It never crossed his mind that his father, the man who gave him a life full of support and
encouragement, not only when he lost his babies and his cheating ex-wife but all the time, was hiding
something.
Cleaningoutthehousemonthsago,intheoldofficefiles,Lawonlycameacrossonethingthatseemed
strange.Eventhen,thesingleexplanationthatseemedfeasibleforthemonthlydepositintoasecretbank
account was that it was business related. The account was in his father’s name, a high interest savings
accountatadifferentbankthantheoneheusedforhisregularfinances.
Thatwasit.Itwasalsothecluethatledtohimtheenvelope.
He’dbeenintownforaweekwhen,hungoveranddesperate,hewrackedhisbrainforaclue.Itwas
thenherememberedthebankaccount.
Inturn,hedecidedtocheckforasafetydepositbox.Andwithluck,he’dfoundone.
IntheboxholdingastackofbondsandinvestmentsthatLawhadintendedtodealwithlaterwasthe
envelope.Themomenthiseyeshittheloopingscrawl,heknewitwastheone.
Nowhejusthadtoconvincehimselftoopenit.
Therewasonlysomuchamancouldtake,andwhenitcametothewomanheloved,hewantedtotake
everything.Love,however,wasanemotionlikeanyother,andsometimes,itwasn’tenough.
He’dwantedittobe.Foryears,itwas.Thelovehe’dcarriedforherneverleft.Fuck,layingeyeson
her in that coffee shop for the first time since she’d disappeared from his life, that love came surging
back.
There hadn’t been a doubt in his mind; from that moment forward, he was going to have her. It
wouldn’tbeeasy.Theybothhadtheirworkcutoutforthem,butshehadbelongedtohim.Always.
Buthearingthosewordscomefromhermouth,thetruthhesawinhereyesandwhatthatmeantabout
whatheknewabouthislife,itevisceratedhim.
Hislifehadbeenalie.
Thatfatherofhis,whoseemedtoselflesslyprovidehimwithhisheart’sdesires,hadbeenamirage.
Liketheillusionofwaterinthedesert,thecloserherwordsbroughtLawtothetruth,thefasteritdried
up.
Poof.
Gone.
Answerswaitedinfrontofhim,butallheseemedcapableofwasliftingthatglasstohismouth,taking
aheftyswallow,andsettingitbackdown.
Repeat.
Somuchtimehadpassedthatthedimlightfaded,andablacknesscreptoutoftheanglesoftheroom.
Thechairbeneathhimcreakedwhenheshiftedhisweight.Law’sheadfellbackandherubbedahand
overhiseyes,willinghimselftogetitoverwith.
Herghostlyvoiceechoedinhisear,urginghim.
Pickitup.Pickitup,Law.Pickitup.
Hepickeditup,turningthesmoothcreampaperinhisfingertips.
Openit!
Lawranhisthumboverhisnamewrittenonthefront.Itwashisfullname,anamehe’dloathedsince
hewasakid.Sheusedtocallhimthatwhenshewastickedandtryingtomakehimthesame.
WhyhetriedtoforcehertocallhimthatinArrowCreek,hedidn’tknow.Itwasmoretorturousto
himthanitwastoher,he’dputmoneyonit.
LawpulledhisLeathermanfromhispocket,switchingthebladeupwithhisthumb,andinonefluid
movement,slicedtheenvelopeopen.Insideweretwopiecesoflinedpaper,foldedintothirds.
Heleanedforwardanddrainedtherestofhisdrinkinoneswallow.Restinghiselbowsonthedesk,
heretrievedtheletterandopenedit.
Lawrence,
TosaythediagnosisofPancreaticCancerisareliefisanunderstatement.Bythetimeyoureadthis,
I’ll be dead, and I know that won’t stop you from wishing I were alive so you could kill me yourself.
Believeme,son,Iunderstand.ToomanytimesovertheyearsIwantedtotakethecoward’swayout.The
painoftheheinousthingsI’ddonewasunbearable,butlivingthrougheachandeverydayafterwasmy
penance,andminealonetobear.Takingmyownlifewouldhaveonlyservedtoaddanotherlossinyour
life,somethingyou’vehadmorethanyourshareofsinceyouweresixteenyearsold.
As I write this, I am still shocked to know this secret has lived on. When I sent her away fourteen
yearsago,Ithoughtitwasonlyamatteroftimeuntilshecameback.Weeksturnedintomonths,turnedinto
yearswithoutsignofher,evenafterherownbrotherdied.Iwaited.Iwasalwayswaitingforthatmoment
theothershoewoulddrop,andshewouldcomebacktodemandherdue.
IknowI’mrambling.Thisisn’teasytotellyou,afteroflivingalieforsolong.I’mgoingtocomeout
and say it now, and son, I hope you have it in you to forgive her. Forgive her, because the sole
responsibilityforwhathappenedliesonmyshoulders.
Irapedher,andshegotpregnant.
I’mashamedtosayhowlongittookmetobelievethatitwasn’tjustsex,butthere’snoresponsibility
Icanplaceonher.Shewassixteen,thatinandofitselfisrapebythedefinitionofthelaw,butbesides
that,shedidn’tcomeontome.Shedidn’twantme.Ifshecouldhave,shewouldhavesaidno.
Youdon’twantthedetails;infact,they’llonlyhurtyou,butI’mgivingthemtoyou,anyway.Myhope
isthatyouwillunderstand,andinthechanceyourpathscrossagain,youcanforgiveher.
Youtoldmehowyoubrokeherheart.WhatIhidfromyouisthatIalreadyknewthat.Shecametoour
houseafterschoolthatday.Shewasupsetandcrying.Iwasupsetanddrunk.
SomethingelseIhadn’tsharedwithyou,untilrightnow,isthatIknewaboutyourmother’saffairlong
before we told you. We waited until you were out of high school to split up, but the week before this
happened,Iknew.Andtodealwiththat,Ispentalotoftimedrunk.
IfoundCamicryingonyourbedthatafternoon.NothingIsaidcalmedher,soIwenttogetheradrink
ofwater.Tothisday,Idon’tknowwhatcrossedmymind.I’dblamethealcohol,butthatdoesn’tmakeit
right.Idruggedherwithyourmother’smusclerelaxers.Ithoughtthey’dhelpherrelax,soIcrushedtwo
inherdrink.Howshedidn’ttastethem,I’llneverknow.
Youneedtoknowsheneverconsented.Itouchedherandkissedher,andIthinkshewastooshocked
to do anything. Within minutes, she was unconscious. By that point, I’d lost control and couldn’t make
myself stop. Nothing I say will make you understand my decision, and my thoughts and feelings are
unimportant,soI’llleaveitatthat.
Shecametomeweekslater,pregnant,andwhenI’dsuggestedit,refusedtohaveanabortion.That’s
anotherthingI’llneverunderstand.Somuchcouldhavebeenavoidedbyasimpleprocedure,butIwas
fartooselfishtorespectherdecision.Instead,I’dforcedheraway,offeringhercashandmonthlysupport
inexchangeforherdisappearance.
Camitookthecash,tengrand,butrefusedthemonthlypayments.
Andasyouknow,shenevercameback.
Ifyouneverseeheragain,Iatleasthopeyoucanforgiveherforleaving.Shestuckupforwhatshe
believedinandprovedherstrength.
I,ontheotherhand,lookforwardtothedaythiscancerkillsme,andmyfinaldebtwillhavebeen
paid.
Iloveyou,son.Youdon’thavetoforgivemeandIdon’texpectyouto,butlearntoletthepastgo
beforeitkillsyou,too.
Dad
P.S.There’sasaving’saccountwithCountyLivingFinancialwithmynameonit.Seetoitthatthe
lawyergetsthatmoneytoCami.There’snopricethatwillchangewhatIdidtoher,butIhopeithelps.
Lawbraced,handgrippingthecorneroftheoakdeskasthebilerusheduphisthroat,andthereonthe
floorofhisfather’soffice,hevomited.
15.
Asdaysturnedtoweeks,Iwentstraightpassedconcernedintopissed.Lawhadn’tcomeback.Seventeen
dayshadpassedsincehewalkedoutofourlives,andthere’dbeenradiosilenceeversince.
Iwentsofarastodrivebyhishouse,onmorethanoneoccasion,andeachtimeitwasdark.Histruck
wasn’tinthedrive.Dayornight.Hehadn’tevenlefttheporchlighton.Allofthatledmetobelievewhen
hetoldEvelynhewasgoinghome,hemeantLogansville.Thethoughtconcernedme.
Itcrossedmymindrecentlyhowthetimingofthingsreallysucked.Law’sdadhadpassedawaylast
November,andthere’dbeennoshortageofguiltthatifI’dtoldhimthetruthwhenIfirstranintohimin
September,hecouldhavehadachanceatclosurewithhisfather.
It’sallconjectureatthispoint.
IcouldwonderandassumethingsuntilIwasblueintheface.Therealitywas,Ididn’thaveanhonest
clueaboutwhatLawwasfeelingafterItoldhimthetruth.Hecould’vehatedme,hisfather,thebothofus,
himself.Notknowing,andknowinghewasn’thereandhadn’tbeeninseventeendays(andcounting,even
thoughItoldmyselfIwasn’t),waswhatatemeupinside.
I’dlainawakeatnighthopinghe’ssafe.He’dsharedabitabouthispast,hislifewithSteph,andit
burnedmeknowingI’dhurthim,onceagain,whenhe’dalreadysufferedalifetimeofhurt.
Thosethoughtslastedaboutaweek,maybetwo,andthenIgotangry.
Mostlybecausehe’dletEvelyndown.
She’dstartedtherapyforherhips,whichwasastruggletoworkaround.Shehadnervedamageand
numbnessthatwedidn’tknowifitwouldbepermanent.Itworeonher.Notfeelinglikeheroldselfand
notknowingifsheeverwouldagainorifthiswashernewreality.Addthattotheemotionaltraumafrom
theaccidentandLaw’sdisappearance,andIwasworriedaboutherwellbeing.
AnyattemptsImadetalkingtoherorcheeringherupfailedmiserably.
Thelightinallofthiswasthattomorrowshewasgoingbacktoschoolforthefirsttimesincewinter
break,andIhopedgettingoutofthehouseandseeingherfriendsputasmilebackonherface.
Itwaslikeastormcloudparkedoverourhouse.Badmoodsranrampant.EvenKierstenshowedup
afterpickingupsomegroceries,cursing.
“Iamswearingoffmen.Done.Neveragain.I’dratherbecelibatefortherestofmylife.”
“You and me both, sister,” I grumbled and moved a pork roast from the grocery sack to the freezer.
WhenIturnedaround,shewascockinganeyebrowatme.“What?”
“You’vesortofalreadydonethat.Thisisaboutme. And my uncontrollable love of co—Ow!ˮ The
pyramidofcansshewasjugglingslipped,andonehithersquareinthetoe.Shedroppedtoherassand
cradledit.
“That’swhywedon’ttalklikeasailorwhenchildrenareinthehouse.”Goodness,Evelynwasright
downthehall.
“Ihateyou.I’mdone.Putyourowngroceriesawayandgivemesomeice.”
Istuckoutmytongue.“Youlovemeandyou’rejustpissybecauseyou’resexdeprived.”Ihandedher
abagoffrozenpeas.
She leaned in my direction and hissed, “No, I’m pissy because Rhett eats my pussy like a god and
suddenlydecidedhedoesn’twanttoanymore!”
I sucked in a breath so hard my saliva shot down my windpipe. “Jesus,” I croaked, choking on my
ownspit.“Oh,mygod,shutup!”
“I know,” she responded miserably. “This is what happens to me. I find a guy, we have the most
amazing, mind-blowing sex, and then they disappear. I’m not that crazy, am I?” She must have seen the
lookonmyface,becausesheadded,“Don’tanswerthat.Rhetoricalquestion.”
“Ithinktheproblemisyoufindallsexmind-blowingly-amazingandgetattached.”
Sheshrugged.“WhatcanIsay?”
IwasputtingawaywhatfeltlikeeighteenbagsofDoritoswhenacrazyideacametome.Ifeltitso
stronglyinmygutthatmyhandfrozemid-air,clutchingthebagsohardIwassureitwouldpop.“Hey,
so...crazyidea.”Insteadofputtingitaway,Idroppedthechipstothecounter.
“What’sthat?”Kierstenstoppedinspectinghertoetolookup.Iwasashitactress,butItriedmybest
tobenonchalant.
“MaybeyoushouldgoonadatewithNathan.”
Hereyebrows creased alittle and hermouth twisted to theside. She pulledthe corners down, then
gaveaquickshrug.“Yeah,maybe.He’scute.”
“Really?Wantmetonudgehiminyourdirection?”
Shegrinnedandstuckoutherhand.“Nah.IliketoplaywithmymousebeforeIeatit.”
Ofcourse,shedid.Reachingdown,Igrippedherhandandhelpedherup,takingthepeasfromherand
puttingthembackinthefreezer.
“Nowthatthegroceriesareputaway,whatchyamakingfordinner?”
Irolledmyeyes.“Seriously,ifyoudon’tgetintouchwithNathan,I’mdoingitforyou.You’dbeso
lessannoyingifyouweresomebody’sgirlfriend.Atleastyoucouldannoytheminsteadofme.”
Kierstenstartedtodefendherself,butaknocksoundedatthedoor.“IsthatwhoIthinkitis?”
Thesamethoughtcrossedmymindseeingasshewashere,NathanandIstillweren’texactlyBFF’s,
and the only other person who’d show up unannounced would be Law. Immediately, my earlier ire
resurfaced.“Itsureashellbetternotbe.”
Abuzzingbeganinmyears,andmyhandscurledintofists.Ididn’twanttobeangrywithhim.We’d
had enough arguments to last a lifetime. It was just if I had to pick an emotion to show him right now,
angerwasthesafest.Ifhedidn’twantanythingtodowithme,thenIdidn’twanttoshowhimIcared.That
I’dbeenworriedabouthisdisappearance.Vulnerabilitywasaweapon,andIwasdeterminednottolet
himhurtmeagain.
Icheckedthepeephole,incontrolenoughtonotgopissed-off-momma-bearonsomeunsuspectinggirl
scouts,andsuckedinsharplyatwhatIsaw.
Ahandbracedoneithersideofthedoorway,Lawstoodonmyporchwithhisheadhangingbetween
hisarms.Asifhesensedmewatchinghim,helookedup.Anguishscoredthroughmeattheraw,redrims
ofhiseyesandthepurplecirclesbeneaththem.
“Openthedamndoor,Cami.”Hisvoicepledraggedlyandbarelycontrolled.
I lowered from my tip toes and began flipping the locks. Footsteps padded down the hall, and the
unmistakableclunkofEvelyn’scrutchesfollowed,butIdidn’tlookinthatdirection.Myonlyfocuswas
gettingthatdooropenbeforemyheartsqueezedsotightlythatitstopped.
Thedoorflewopenandablastoficyairhitme.
Law’s hands dropped from the wood frame. He took a step forward. That was all he got before
Evelynburstpastataspeedthatwasn’tconducivetohersafety,andslammedintohim.Nohesitation,he
wrappedheruptightinhisarms.
Iheldittogether.Barely.Frommyperipheral,IcouldseeKierstentryingtocatchmyeye,butlooking
atherwouldhavemefallingapart.Ikeptitincheckbyclenchingmyjawandstaringstraightahead.This
moment would have been a whole lot sweeter if I knew where I stood with Law. Seeing as I didn’t, it
hurt.
They exchanged words that were too quiet for me to hear, and when they came apart, Evelyn was
smiling.Thatdidn’thurtsomuchasitwasbittersweet.Somuchso,mythroatwentdry.
“Um,EvelynandIwerejustgoingtogetsomeicecream.Doeitherofyouwantanything?”Kiersten
interjected.
Evelynpipedinexcitedly.“Yeah,mom.Russell’shasthisnewtriplechocolateganacheifyouwantto
tryit.”
“That sounds,” the scratchy words forced me to stop to clear my throat, “that sounds great, honey,
sure.Letmegiveyousomemoney.”
Iturnedinsearchofmypurse.Aminutealonewouldbegood,butIdidn’tmakeitastepbeforeLaw’s
voicecameatme.
“It’s on me. I’ll take one, too.” He pulled his wallet from his back pocket and curled a twenty into
Evelyn’shand.
“Thankyou,”IwhisperedtoKierstenasshepassed.WhatIwasthankingherfor,Ididn’tknow.
WhatIdidknowwasthatafterseventeendays,Lawshoweduponmydoorstep,andIwasinterested
in what he had to say without my daughter around to eavesdrop. Kiersten took care of that problem.
Proving,asalways,thatshewasthebestfriendapersoncouldhave.
Together, me standing in the entry and him on the porch, we watched them drive away. A wind
whippedoutofnowhere,blastingicycrystalsacrossmycheeks.Itrembledfromthecold.
“In,”hecommanded,thenhisbigbodywastherepushingmebackintothehouse.Throwingthedoor
closedbehindhim,hetwistedthelocksandtoedoutofhisboots.“Bedroom.”
My spine stiffened in shock. “You’re out of your damn mind if you think after disappearing for
seventeendays,youcanjustcomebackinhereandordermetoliedownforyoulikesomesubmissive
sextoy.”
Hisbrowsshotup,nearlydisappearingbeneaththehairhangingoverhisforehead.“Youknowabout
submissives?”
Considering he knew about my near-virginal sex status, I may have just told my childhood-love-
turned-enemythatIreaderotica.Whatcouldbemoreembarrassingthanthat?
“Youwanttotalk,thentalk.”Changingthesubjectseemedlikeagreatidea.
“You’vebeencountinghowlongI’vebeengone.”Theroughnessofhisvoicetookmybreathaway.
I’dmissedit,missedhim,eventhoughIcouldn’tadmititoutloud.
“Itwasn’thardtowhenmydaughterfeltyourabsencemorethananythingelse.”
Law swallowed hard and ran a hand over his messy hair. I tracked the movement with my eyes,
fightingtheurgetoreachout.Ididn’tmeantothrowthatinhisface.Tome,itwasunderstandablethathe
left.
“Youcan’tdothatagain,Law.Youcan’tdothattoher.Eitheryou’rehereoryou’renot,butyoucan’t
keepgoingbackandforth.I’mnotgoingtodoanythingtostopyoufromhavingarelationshipwithher,
whateverformthathappenstotake,butmakeadecisionandstickwithit.YouandImightnotgetalong,
butyou’rehurtinghermorethananyoneelse.”
“You’reright,andI’msorry.”
Myjawdropped.Didhejust...didthatreallyhappen?Didheapologize?
Ididn’tgetthechancetoask.Withonebigstep,heclosedthespacebetweenus,pressedmeagainst
thewall,andcagedmeinwithhisarms.Thebreathleftmylungsinawhooshanditfeltlikemyheart
stutteredtoastop.“What’shappening?”Iwhispered,breathless.
“You and I, we need to talk. In the bedroom. Because if those two come back and we’re not done
talking,Idon’twantthattobeareasontostop.”Hiseyesdroppedtomylips,andheranhistongueover
hisbottomone.“Oncethat’sover,we’lldootherthings.”
Thetipofmytonguetingledwithaquestiontothatstatement,butIswalloweditdown.Iwasn’tgoing
toask.Iwasn’tsureifIwantedtoknow.
“Um,youneedtoletmegosowecan.”
Hestraightenedandslidhisarmsaway,leavingmefeelingoddlyalone.“Leadtheway.”
I closed my bedroom door behind him, resisting the urge to rest my forehead against it, and turned
around. The room was bathed in darkness except for a sliver of blue light coming from the master
bathroom.Lawbecameasilhouettemovingfluidlythroughthedarknessbeforemybedsidelampclicked
on.
“Comeandsit,”hecalled,droppinghimselfontomybed.
“I’dratherstand.”
“Cami,please.I’mnotheretofightwithyou.Ihaven’t...Ihaven’tslept.Ihaven’tbeenabletostop
thinking.”
Now that he mentioned it, I remembered his face when I answered the door. The shadows of my
bedroom played tricks with the angles of his face, making it even more weary and drawn. Releasing a
sigh,Iclimbedupandsatcross-leggedinthecenterofthebed.
Lawdidn’twasteanytimelaunchingintowhathehadtosay.“IwentbackhometoLogansville,”he
began,fiddlingwithaloosestringonmybedspread,hiseyesdrawndownwardtostudyhismovements.
Theycamebacktomine.“Doyouremember?Thedaywithmydad?”
I made to get off the bed. “We don’t need to talk about this.” Panic crawled beneath my skin like a
colonyofants.Wipingmyhandsovermyarmsdidn’tmakeitstop.“Please,Law,canwejustmoveon?”
“Stop.”Thegruffcommandfrozemeinmyattempttoflee.Heclosedhiseyes.Whenheopenedthem,
theyappearedwetinthedimlight.“Wecan’tmoveonuntilwetalk,andIcantellyourightnowthatI’d
very,verymuchliketomoveonwithyou,insteadofwithoutyou.Soplease,takeabreath,andanswer
me,”hepled.“Whatdoyourememberfromthatday?”
Myliptrembledasmemoriesflashedthroughmyhead.“Ihaven’texactlyspenttimerelivingitover
theyears,butItorturemyselfwiththeguilteveryday.”
Heflinched.“Butdoyourememberfromthemomentyousawmydaduntilthe...end?”hehesitated,
asifthewordgotstuckinhisthroat.
Myearlierangerquicklyreturned.“Yes!Iremember.Iremembercryingonyourbed.Irememberyour
dad coming in when I thought nobody was home. I remember him bringing me a drink.” Law’s eyes
flashed,butIkeptgoing,unabletostop.“HimtellingmeIwasbeautifulandthatIdidn’tdeservetobe
crying.Hecalledyouanidiotandthentoldmehecouldshowmehowtofeelgood.Yes,”Ispattheword
thatsatlikeacidonmytongue.“Iremember.”
He opened his jacket and dug around inside what must have been an interior pocket, as his face
changedintoaweirdmixtureofrelieftingedwithsadness.Ididn’tunderstandit.Ididn’tunderstandany
ofthis.Hestayedsilent,butIwasn’t.
“I’velivedthatmomentofbetrayalathousandtimessincethen,wonderingwhyIdidn’tdoanythingto
stopit.TheonlyconclusionI’vecomeupwithisthatIwantedtohurtyouback.”
“No,Cami,youdidn’t.”
Mybrowcreasedasconfusionstoleoverme.“I’msorry?”
Papercrinkled,andheproducedaletterfromhispocket.“Ifoundthisatmydad’shouse.Youneedto
readit.”
Ashiverracedthroughmeatthethoughtofeventouchingthatpaper.“Ican’t.”
Heshookitinfrontofmyfaceandgentledhisvoice.“Youhaveto.”
Ididn’twanttotouchthatpaper.Ididn’twanttolookatit.
When I took the paper from his fingers, it trembled in front of my face. I hardly got past the first
sentencebeforemyeyesburnedwithunshedtears.Themanwhopennedtheletterwasn’tabouttogetany
moreofmypain,sowithasteelybreath,Ishovedthemaway.
Thoughts raced throughout my head as I read the lies a dying man wrote desperately to his son. I
couldn’t make sense of it. Why would he say these things? Why would he, a decade and a half after
forcingmetowalkawayfromthepersonIdreamedofmost,actlikethemistakewashisallalong?Did
hethinktakingblamewouldmakehimabetterpersonandpavehispathwayfromhellintoheaven?
WoulditmakeitrightinLaw’seyesandredeemmeevenafterthemonstrousthingsI’ddone?
Thiswasn’thappening;thisfictionalpicturehepaintedofourpast.Myhandsshooksohardthewords
rantogetherasItriedtoreadthelastfewlines.Acidburnedinmythroat,butIchokeditdowninarace
togettotheend.
Twotypesofmemoriesofthatnightflittedthroughmyhead—theoneIrememberedandtheonehis
father wrote down. They flipped back and forth so quickly that confusion set in and anger welled up
insidemelikeanoverinflatedballoon.Iremembereditall,didn’tI?
Justlikethelasttime,thememoryalwayscutoffrightafterhe’dkissedme.Snapshotsexistedinmy
mind.Specificsensations,mostly.WhatIcouldn’tdowasrelivethememoryfrombeginningtoend.Not
becauseIchosenotto,butbecausethepiecesweren’tallthere.
WhenIreadthelastline,Iwantedtosetfiretotheletteranderasethewordsfrommyhead.
“Why?”Ichoked,losingtheprecariousgriponmyemotions.WhenIbroughtmygazebacktoLaw’sI
wassurprisedtoseetheconfusionthere.Ididn’tknowwhatheexpectedmetofeel,reliefperhaps,butI
feltnothing.Ifeltnumb.
“Whatisityou’reasking?”
“Why,” I began quietly, but as I spoke, that hold severed, and my unease swept forth like a raging
river.“Whywouldyoumakemereadthis?Whywouldyoudothistome,aftereverythingI’vedoneto
keepmyselfawayfromyou?Doyouthinkthisishelpful?”Ismackedthepaperssohard,thesoundlikea
crackedwhipreverberatedaroundtheroom.“Doyouthink,afterwhatheputmethrough,Iwanttohear
anything that he had left to say? What is the matter with you?” I screeched, the paper slipping from my
fingersinmydesperationtocrawloffthebed.
Lawhookedmewithanarmaroundmyabdomenandpulledmybackintohischest.
Ifought.Thepainwastoodeep,andIfoughttogetaway.Tearsraceddownmycheeks,blindingme.I
couldn’tdothisanymore.Icouldn’tlistentowhathehadtosay.
“Calmdown,baby.Don’tyousee?Thiswasn’tyourfault.Itwasn’tyourfault,atall.”
Oh,butitwas.Howdidn’theseethat?
Thefightleakedoutofme,andIwentlimpinhisarms.Thiswasover.Thatwasmorecleartome
nowthanever.
Hemisinterpretedandburiedhisfaceinmyhair,sighing.Holdingmetighter.
Butthatdidn’tstopthetrembling.
“Letgoofme.”
Hislipstouchedmyear.“Idon’twanttoletyougoagainfortherestofmylife.”
“Ilovedyou,”Imurmureddejectedly.
“Ilovedyou,too,Cami.Istilldo.”
“No.Ilovedyou.Inearlykilledmyselfinordertospareyou.IfoughttobuildalifeforEvelynand
methatIknewyou’drespect,eventhoughyouhatedme,andIknewyou’dneverseeit.Istilllivedmy
lifewithyouinthebackofmymind,likeashadownoamountoflightwoulderase.Imissedyou,even
thoughIknewyouweren’tcomingback.”
Hewasn’tgettingme.“Iamback.I’mbacknow.”
“Youaren’tback,”Isighed,andthistimewhenIfoughttogetup,heletmego.Scramblingoffthebed,
myfeethitthefloor,andIcrossedtotheothersideoftheroom.
Hetiltedhisheadandwaited.
Iswallowedthickly.“MyLawlovedmewithmyflaws.WhenImademistakes,heembracedthem.
Now I know, better than anybody, that I fucked up beyond repair, but I am not, and never will be, a
victim.”
Itwashisturntodrophismouthopen.“Cami...”
“Youdon’tgettotellmethatIam,”Ihissed,feelingwildlycaged.
“Herapedyou,”hespitinfurythroughclenchedteeth.
“Ilethimhavesexwithme.”
“Bydefinitionofthelaw–ˮ
“BY DEFINITION,” a short bark of laugher escaped. “I was sixteen. Yeah, a judge would have
thrown him in jail or given him a slap on the wrist, but I can tell you since I was there that I did
absolutelynothingtopushhimaway.”Ileanedforward,losingthegriponmysanityandcontrol.“Isthat
whatyouwanttohear?DoyouwanttohearhowhekissedmeandthatIthoughtitfeltgood?Doyouwant
tohearmetellyouIrememberwhatitfeltlikehavinghimshovehishandinsideofmyjeans,andIdidn’t
sayno?ThatIdidn’tscreamorfighthimoff?”
“Definitionornot,hedruggedyou.Hewastheadult,andheknewwhathewasdoingwaswrong.He
did it anyway. Do you think that maybe you didn’t fight or scream because you couldn’t? That
subconsciouslyyouknewtherewasn’tanybodyaroundtohearyou?”Hesprangtohisfeet,butthankfully
didn’tcomeanycloser.“Doyoureallyrememberenoughtotellmethatyoudidn’tsaynoorpassoutand
closeyoureyes?That,inandofitself,wouldnegateanyconsentyoumaythinkyougave.”
Automatically,myeyesslidtothesideinthought,butIwasn’tquickenoughindisguisingit.Hesaw
meandknewhehithismark.
“I’ve lived with my mistake for fourteen years, and I didn’t say no. I’ve fought so hard to make
somethingofmylife,ofEvelyn’slife,afterheleftmetodigmyselfoutofthathole.Ican’t,Law.Iwon’t
agreewithyou.”
“You’vebeentorturingyourselfallthistime,Iknowthat’shard,baby,butyouneedtolookatitfrom
anotherperspective.Ifthatwereyourdaughterinsteadofyou,wouldyousaythosesamethingstoher?”
“Fuckyou,Law,ofcourseIwouldn’t.”
“Exactly.” He stared me down with determination in his eye. He took a step toward me, and I
reciprocated with a step to the side. “Because deep down, you know. Your guilt for hurting me has
clouded your judgment, but you know. If it were anybody else you cared about you’d be standing over
herewithme,insteadofovertheredefendingyourside.”
Iclosedmyeyesanddroppedmyheadbackagainstthewall.Thethudsoundedmorepainfulthanit
felt.Softfootfallsapproachedme,andmylidsshotopenasIshuffledtotheside.“You’rewrong.”
FasterthanIcouldreact,helungedandheldmeagainstthewall.Hisforeheadhitmytemple,andhis
lipsbrushedtheshellofmyear.“No,youare.Youare,Cami,mygod,themoststubbornasswomanI’ve
evermet,andI’mgoingtospendtherestofmylifeprovingtoyouthatyouarewrong.”
Hishandscuppedthesidesofmyhead.Istayedstill.
“DoyouknowwhatmyfirstthoughtwaswhenIreadthatletter?Thatmyentirelife,everythingI’d
knownfromthesecondyoutookoffuntilthemomentIfoundthatenvelopeinasafetydepositbox,had
been a lie. You’re the only true thing in it. You’ve always been the one true thing. That’s how I know.
Whathappenedthatdaywasonhim.Youdidn’tdoadamnthingwrong.”
Heliftedandpressedahardkisstomyforehead.Thewayheforcedhislipsawayseemedpainful,
andIcouldn’tunderstandwhy.ThenIwatched,stillfrozenagainstthewall,asheheadedforthedoor.
“Whydoesittakealetterfromyourfathertosuddenlyforgiveme?”Icalledtohisretreatingback,
fadingfastintothesadnessthatwasthreateningtoenvelopme.Whydidwecontinuetoplaythisgameifit
wasnevergoingtoworkout?
Historsofacedthedoor,butheturnedhisnecktolookatme.“Itdoesn’t.”ThedeterminationIsawon
his face slowed my racing heart. “The only reason I’d left town was because I needed some time to
forgive myself. I’d forgiven you the second I dragged you from the room when your daughter’s heart
stopped before your eyes and the love I’d witnessed from you was more powerful than anything I’d
knowninmyentirelife.”
AsLawwasknowntodo,hewalkedaway,leavingmespeechlessinmybedroom.
Tenminuteslater,Iheardthefrontdooropenandvoicesfilledinside.ThatwaswhenIunstuckmyself
tofindmydaughterlaughingwithherAuntK,somethingIhadn’tseenherdoinweeks.Ijoinedthemto
devour my own cup of Triple Chocolate Ganache. After that, I crawled alone into bed and cried until
sleeptookpityonmeandwhiskedmeaway.
***
Nothing but blackness filled the room when I was startled from a deep sleep. I threw a hand out to my
nightstand to find my phone, clicked it on, and read the time. Five forty-five. Releasing my stomach
muscles,Ifellbackontothebedwithagroan.
Myeyesbegantodriftclosedwhenapoundingcameatthefrontdoor.Loudandinsistent,Irealized
sleepilythatmusthavebeenwhatwokemeup.Ihadoneguess,thatwasn’tevenaguess,aboutwhowas
atthedoor,andthatthoughtmademewanttoburymyheadbackbeneaththepillowandgotosleep.
He was about to wake Evelyn, if he hadn’t already, and that made the momma bear in me pissed.
She’dhadenoughnightmaressincetheaccidentmessingwithhersleep.Therefore,Ishothimatexttelling
himtoshutupandthatI’dbethereinasecond.
Notwantinghimtoseemeinmysilkrobeagain,Iyankedonapairofjeans,fuzzysocks,andpulleda
knitsweaterovermyhead.Myhairwasahopelesscase,soItieditintoamessybunasItrudgeddown
thehall.
SomethingcaughtmyeyeasInearedthefrontdoor,awiderectanglehangingfromthepeephole.AsI
got closer, I saw it was a piece of paper. I scanned it, curled it in my fist, and yanked open the door
withoutfirstcheckingoutside.
“Are you responsible for this?” I grumbled at Law, referencing the note in my hand from Kiersten.
Apparently,sheandEvelynsnuckoutearlythismorningforbreakfast.She’sbat-shitcrazyifshethinksI
don’tknowmyowndaughterandthatdraggingheroutofbed,beforeten,isanearimpossiblefeat.
Awaitinghisanswer,Istaredathim,tryingtoignorethewaymystomachflippedatthesight.
Theporchlightbathedhiminaglow,shadowingareasofhisfacethatmadehisbestfeaturesstand
out.Likethegentlecurveofhisnose,andthedipbetweenhisnoseandupperlip.
Withhiseyessteadyonmine,hewrappedhisfingersaroundmywristandgaveasharptugthatsent
meflying.Inonefluidmovement,hescoopedmeintohisarms.Hestillhadn’tspokenawordwhenhe
reachedaroundtolockmydoorandpulleditshut.
“Law!What’reyoudoing?”
“Quiet,”hemurmuredgently.
“Law.”
“Shush. The neighbors are sleeping.” The grin spreading across his face gave away his teasing
disposition.
Myheartbeatwildlyinmychest.Whatwasgoingon?Ididn’tthinkhe’dgivemeastraightanswer,so
Igrippedhisneckandheldon.
Histruckwaitedinmydriveway,aheavylookingtarpcoveringthebed.Myinterestedwaspiqued,
but not by much. He was a contractor, after all. He probably kept supplies in there he didn’t want left
exposedtotheelements.
Lawloadedmestraightintohistruck.Theprotestdiedonmylipswhenheliftedhisheadandhiseyes
caughtmine.Thegray/greencolorwasdarkerthanusual,andtheywerealert.Heliftedhishandandran
thebackofhisknucklesovermycheek.
“Doyoutrustme?”
“Yes.”Thespeedthewordleftmymouthdidn’tsurpriseme,butLaw’sbodystartled.
Hebithislip.“Okay,then.”
Hisfingertipsgrazedmyhipashereachedfortheseatbelt.Slowly,withpurpose,heranthemetaltip
overmyabdomenonitswaytothebuckle.Butterfliesracedinmystomachandatingleeruptedbetween
mylegs.Hereachedtheothersideandtheaudibleclickechoedinthetruck.
After quickly brushing a hair off my cheek, he slammed the door and got in his side, fired up the
engine,andwhiskedmeaway.
Lawdeflectedmyquestionsbyignoringme.Heturnedtheradioupanddroppedhishandtomythigh.
Insteadofpushingit,Irestedmyheadagainsttheseatandclosedmyeyes.Excitementkeptmeawake,
butthatdidn’tmeanIwasn’ttiredatsixinthemorning.Acoffeewouldhavebeenaniceadditiontothis
littleexcursionwewereon.
We drove for about twenty minutes, winding through town and exiting in the other direction on
highway 31. The sky changed to hues of pink and purple with the impending sunrise drawing near.
Excitement,nerves,andahopeIwastoofrightenedtofeelfilledmeatthesametime.Somethingwasup.
Ididn’tknowwhat,andIwastooscaredtoletmyselffeelanythinggood.Asifhefeltmyunease,hegave
mylegacomfortingsqueeze.
The truck slowed and turned right onto an unmarked road. Trees whipped past the window as he
drove across the bumpy earth. Through the windshield was nothing but snow, not an actual road. Up
ahead,itopenedintowhatappearedtobeafield.Lawslowed,executedathree-pointturn,andbacked
thetruckfartherintotheopenspace.
“Wherearewe?”Iasked,notexpectingananswer.Ididn’tgetone.Withthehandstillrestingonmy
thigh,hesqueezed,andthenexitedthetruck,leavingmebehind.
Ifhewaswaitingformetogetoutmyself,hehadanotherthingcoming.Ididn’tevenhaveshoeson.
Hestolemefrommyhousewithoutgivingmeachancetogetthem.
Arushingnoisesounded,andIlookedoutthebackwindowtoseeLawpullingthetarpaway.Thesun
wasn’thighenoughtolightwhatwasinthere,though.Icould’vecrawledovertheseattopeek,buthe’d
gonethroughsomuchtrouble,Ididn’twanttoruinwhateveritwashehadplanned.Ifollowedhimwith
myheadashewalkedaroundtomydoorandopenedit.
“Youtryingtosnoop?”heaskedandreachedovermetounclipmyseatbelt.
“WhatcanIsay,youhavemecurious.”
“Good.It’salmosttime.”
“Almosttimeforwhat?”
“Armsaroundmyneck,Cami.”
Isighed,tryingtohidemyexcitementathisgame.EventhoughIwantedtomakehimsayitagain,I
slippedmyarmsaroundhisneck.
“Hold on.” He nipped at my jaw, and my stomach clenched. Into his arms I went as if I weighed
nothing.Hecarriedmetotheback,smoothlynavigatingthesnowandice,andsatmeontheopentailgate.
“Up.Andundertheblankets,baby,you’veonlygotsockson.”
Ipursedmylipsandgavehimamockglare.“Wonderwhythatis.”
Heansweredwithanothergrinandclimbedupafterme,kickinghisbootsintothesnow.Togetherwe
crawledintothemassofblanketsandpillowshe’dloadedintothebedofhistruck.Ididn’teventhink
therewasamattressbeneathus.Justpilesandpilesofpillows.Ifoundtheopeningtoasleepingbagon
thebottomandslidinside,proppingmyheadonsomepillowsandpullinganotherdownquiltuptomy
chin.Lawslippedinwithme,hisentiretorsoslidingdownthelengthofmine.Heopenedthemetalbox
behindusandpulledoutathermosandacardboardbox.
“Can’twatchthesunrisewithoutbreakfast.”
“Ooo,what’dyoubringme?”Iclappedmyhandstogetherbeneaththeblanket.
Hehandedmethethermosandflippedopenthetoptothebox.“Well,Ihopeyoustilllikecinnamon
rolls.”
Myeyeswentwide.“Youdidn’t!Theoneswiththesuperthickcreamcheesefrostingontop?”
There were three kinds of cinnamon rolls. Those with the barely-there glaze that chipped off into
stickybitsandtastedlikewatereddownpowderedsugar.Thentherewasthekindwiththethickfrosting
thatlookedlikeitwasgoingtobethebestkind,butwasanoversweetenedimposter.Thebest,andonly
kindinmyopinion,wastheonesthathadthickcreamcheesefrosting,sweet,butnotoverpowering,soI
couldeattheentirethingwithouthavingtoscrapetheexcessoff.Thatwastheonlywaytoeatacinnamon
rollinmyworld.
Helookedlikehewastryingnottolaugh.“Ofcourse.Whatotherkindisthere?”
“Amen.”
Insteadofhandingonetome,hehelditoutinfrontofmymouth.“Open.”
Letting him feed me felt a little strange—less than twenty-four hours ago we were fighting in my
bedroom,butIcouldn’tresistthesweettemptation.Sinkingmyteethintoit,withthecreaminessonmy
tongue,wasglorious.Thatfirstbiteputanewkindofsmileonmyface.
Igroaned.“It’ssogood.”
Lawgrabbedmywrist,heldmyhandout,andbalancedtherestofthecinnamonrollonmyopenpalm.
Iwasweirdlybummedhewasn’tgoingtofeedmeanotherbite.Butthenhisotherhandgrabbedmebythe
backoftheheadandpulledmeintohim,andItastedadifferentkindofsweetness.
Hesuckedmybottomlipfirst,trailingthetipofhistongueoveritbeforedoingthesamewiththetop.
Then,hetookmymouth,thewarmthofhistonguestartlingagainstthecoolairfromoutside.Hetastedrich
and warm, like that first sip of coffee in the morning, and it was the perfect complement to my yummy
breakfast.
Eitherthesunrosefast,orwemadeoutalongtime.ThenexttimeIregisteredsomething,otherthan
thefeelofLawkissingme,waswhendawnbeganfilteringthroughmyeyelids.
We broke apart, and he tucked me into his side. The sun wasn’t up yet, but it was quickly rising. I
couldmakeouttheareabeyondthesnowyfield,andatwhatIsaw,Imovedthecinnamonrollandcoffee
asideandsatup.Atthewinterwonderlandbeforeme,mybreathcaught.
Untouched snow glittered in the early morning light, covering rocks and pine trees at the bank of a
river.Itwasn’ttheriverthattookmybreathaway,thoughitwasbeautifulandafeatureallonitsown,but
thetwopoolsoficywateraboveandbelowtwofrozenwaterfalls.Icouldn’tstopstaringatthebeautyof
thescenery.
Lawnudgedthehairawayfrommyearwithhisnoseandasked,“Whatdoyouthink?”
Thespanofthreebreathspassed.“It’soneofthemostincrediblesightsI’veseeninmylife.”
“Gladtohearthat,becauseit’syours.”
Myheadwhippedawayfromthescene,wheretherisingsuncontinuedtouncovernewshadows,and
turnedtoLaw.Hewasn’tlookingatmeashedugsomethingoutfromtheboxofthetruck.Alongtube
clenched in his fist, he uncapped it, dumped out a roll of paper, and set the tube aside. Over the down
quiltonourlaps,hespreaditout.
Neatlydrawnplansstaredbackatmeinthedistinctdiagramofahouse.
“Whatishappening,”Iwhispered,suddenlyterrified.
“Ithoughtrightherewouldbetheperfectplaceforawraparounddeckinthebackfacingtheriver.
Elevated, with a second story walkout, of course. And a pergola with fairy lights.” His finger moved
acrosstheplansinfrontofme.
“Law,”Igasped.
“Righthere,”hetracedanareaontheothersideofthehouse,“wouldbeanindoor-outdoorpool.In
thewinter,wecouldfillitwithsnow.”
I clutched his hand. He stopped moving through the plans, but he brought his eyes to mine and kept
speaking. “Floor to ceiling library, with a sliding ladder and a spiral staircase that leads to a private
readingnookfilledwithpillows.Awindowseat/bed,bigenoughforbothofustolaytogetheratnight
andlookatthestars.Andanoutdoorfirepitdesignedtofeellikethebeach.”
The stickiness in my throat made it hard to speak. Or that could have been the tears I was holding
back.“Y-youforgotthe–ˮ
ButLawhadn’tforgottenanything.“Builtinbunkbeds.Ididn’tforget,justdidn’tknowifyou’dstill
havethedesiretofillthem.”
Oh,God.“ButIhaveahouse.”
“So,we’llsellit.”
“Youhaveanewcustom-builthouse.”
“Sorrytosay,becausewehadsomegoodmemoriesthere,butthatisn’tmyhouse.”
Mystomachtwisted.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Hishandsnakedundertheblankettoclutchmywaist.“Ibuildhouses,babe.Longstoryshort,afriend
ofminecontactedmetobuildhiswomanherdreamhome,Imadethatdrivedailytooverseetheproject.
OnedayIranintoyouinacoffeeshop,andsuddenly,makingthatdrivehomeeverydaywasn’tsomething
Iwantedtodo.Atthesametime,hefoundhiswomanbentoverherdeskatworkgettingfuckedbyher
boss.Youcanimagine,henolongerfeltlikebuildingherthatdreamhome.Heletmelivetheretohelpus
bothout.Gotthejobdonefastersohecanselltheplaceandgetridofher,andgavemeaplacetolivein
town.”
Itwistedmyfingerstogether.“Wasthis,um,thesamefriendyouhelpedoutwiththepestcontroljob?”
“Yeah,”hegrunted.“Rhett.Goodguy,butshitluck.Whydoyouask?”
“Noreason.Ithoughtyouwereheretobuildastripmall?”
Hisfingerssqueezed.“Doingthat,too.Ihadmyeyeonthejobforacouplemonths.AfterIsawyou
andknewIwantedtostickaroundforawhile,Iputinthebid.”
HelostmygazeasItookitallin.Iwasquiet,buthewasn’tdone.
“Ineedahousenow,becausetheotherone’sdone.Thislandismine,theplansaredrawn,theonly
thingIneednowisyou.”
Theonlything...
Ineednow...
Is.
You.
I gave him my eyes and clutched his face in both hands. The scratchiness of his stubble against my
palmsgroundedme.Touchinghimfeltasnaturalasbreathing.Atthesametime,Istillcouldn’tbelievehe
washere.Iimagineditwouldtakesometimetogetoverthat.
Hewassodirectinwhathewassaying;atthesametime,hewasn’tsayingwhatIneededhimtosay.
Misinterpreting him at this point would obliterate me. Therefore, I managed a shuddering breath and
askedthequestionthatterrifiedmetonoendandfilledmewithsomuchhappinessIcouldburst.
“Areyouaskingmetomarryyou?”
“No,I’maskingyoutolivethisbeautifullifewithme.”
“Law.”Iexhaledshakily,strugglingtobreakthroughthehopethatovertookeverypore,everysingle
moleculethatcompletedme.
“I don’t give a fuck about a piece of paper, Cami, but if you want it, it’s yours; so long as you’re
mine.”
That couldn’t have been any clearer. Using the grip I already had, I pulled him into me and down.
Nestlingbackintothepillows,herolledpartlyontopofmeasourlipsconnected.Ihopedthiswasas
clearofaresponse.AgroanrumbledsodeeplyfromhischestthatIfeltthevibrationsagainstmine.My
nipplestightenedandawarmthstartedlowinmybelly.
Imatchedhiminthelevelofheat,kissinghimwithfourteenyearsofmissedopportunities.Beneath
theblankets,hishandskimmedmywaist,movinglowertodipbeneathmyshirt.Hetrailedhisfingersup
andovertheskinofmytummytofindmybreast.Ourmouthsseparatedwithanaudiblesmackwhenhe
abruptlypulledback.
“Where’syourbra?”hegrowledheatedly.Thesunwasnowhighenoughtoprovideenoughlightto
seethedesireswirlinginhiseyes.
“Seeing as there was a caveman, oh...” I moaned as he pinched my nipple between his finger and
thumb,pullingandrollingashewatchedmefromabove.Hesunkhisteethintohislowerlip,gettingoff
onseeingthepleasurehewasbringingme.“...earlythismorning,Ididn’thavet-timetoputoneon.”
Hisfingerswalkedsouth,andheduckedhisheadtoniptheskinonmyneck.“Forgetanythingelse?”
Myanswerslidoutofmeintheformofamoan,becausejustthen,he’ddiscoveredforhimselfifIhad
onunderwear.“No...”
Onethickfingerfoundthewetnessandpusheddeepinside.Hecuppedmethere,hisgrippossessive,
asheworkedhisfingerinandout.Slow,smoothstrokes.Tooslow.Toomuchtimehadpassedsincethe
lasttimeI’dhadhim,andIneededhiminsidemenow.
I’d lost the ability to speak when he took my mouth again, so I got my point across by shoving my
hands between us and cupping his erection. His hips jerked, and he thrust himself into my palm. Our
kissesturnedfranticwithneed.Histonguewentfromslowandexploringtospearingintomymouth.I’d
gothisbuttonundoneandyankedhiscockoutwhenhebrokefromourkiss.
“Fuck,areyoumine,Cami?”Hepantedanddughisheelsintothepillowstopushhimselffurtherinto
myhand.
Therewereonlysomanywaystoanswerthat,butIthinkIhadtheperfectone.Mypalmslidupand
around the head of his cock, gliding back down as I moved further beneath the blankets and crawled
betweenhislegs.Whatlittleroomavailablewascramped,butIdidn’tcare.WhatIdidcareaboutwas
gettingcontactwithasmuchofhimasIcould.Myfingerscurledintohisjeansatmid-thigh,andwithhis
assistance,Iworkedthemoff.Ahandoneachleg,Iranthemupuntiltheymetatthejunctureofhisthighs,
whichhappenedtobemyintendedtarget.Onehandslidtocuphisballs,andItracedthemwithmytongue
asIjackedhim.
“Holyfuck,yourtongueisincredible.”
His words spurred me on as I explored, something I hadn’t had a chance to do yet. I loved how he
heldhisbreathwhenIdroppedkissesalongthecreaseofhisgroin,andthewayhejackedhiscockinto
my palm when I ran my tongue along the skin beneath his balls. His hand trembled when he fisted my
messybunandpulledmymouthfromhim.“Suckmycock,honey,orletmefuckyou,butdoitbeforeI
makeamessallovermystomach.”
Ashiverrackedmyentirebodyattheheatedlookinhiseye.Icomplied,scootingforwardbetween
hisbentkneestotakehimfullyinmymouth.Mytongueswirledaroundthehead,andItookhimallthe
waytothebackofmythroat.Mygagreflextripped,tighteningmymusclesaroundhim.
“Youaredone,”hemoaned.Handsclampedbeneathmyarmpits,hehauledmeuphistorso,sliding
mybodyovereveryhardinch.I’dwantedtokisshim,buthehadotherplans,shiftingfrombeneathmeso
thatIwasonmybellyinthepillows.Herolledontop,thendidadisappearingactofhisown.
Myjeansweregoneinrecordtime,muchfasterthanittookmetoremovehis,andthenhishandswere
backonme.“Scootyourkneesunderyou.”
Eventhoughtherewasn’tmuchroom,Imanaged.Mybacksidewasintheairbeneaththeblankets.I
feltself-consciousalloftwosecondsbeforeLawmadesurethatdidn’tlastlong.
Eachcheekofmyasswasgrippedinapalm,andhesqueezedthemoneaftertheother,doingsome
exploring of his own. “Your pussy smells divine.” In one unhurried stroke, he flattened his tongue and
lickedmefrommyclit,overtheentrancetomypussy,notstoppinguntilheswirleditovermyass.
Myentirebodybucked,completelyoutofmycontroltostopit.Thatwasalltheaffirmationheneeded
tokeepgoing.Overandoverhetracedthepath.Beneathhim,Iwasaquivering,shakingmess.“Please,”I
beggedatthedeliberatetorture.“Ineedyoutofuckme.”
Inresponse,Lawdippedhismiddlefingerintomysoakedpussy.Itwasn’twhatIwanted,butitwasa
start.Irockedagainsthisthickdigit.Histonguejoinedhisfingerinoverwhelmingmewithsensation.I
wasonthebrink,pantingandwrithingagainsthim.Hewithdrewhisfinger,plungedhistonguedeep,and
atthesametime,sunkhisslickfingerintomyass.
AscreamtorefrommeasIcame,throbbingaroundhisfingerandhistongue.IfIhadbeencapableof
thinkingaboutanything,IwouldhavethoughtIscaredthebirdsoutoftheirnests.Goodthingwedidn’t
haveneighbors.
Law didn’t delay in taking what he needed as I started to come down. Wiping his mouth where my
thigh met my cheek, he rose to his knees, positioned his cock, and drove in, all without removing his
finger.
Harshbreathsandgroansofpleasureeruptedbetweenusaswelostourselves.Eachtimeitgotbetter
and hotter and deeper than the last. Years of lost intimacy compounded into a love making so sweet it
nearlyhurt.IgavewhatheneededandhetookwhatIoffered,asthesoundofourfleshslappingrangout
intheearlymorningsilence.
“Your pussy’s sweet, Cami, but I can’t get enough of filling your ass.” As if to prove a point, he
stroked his finger inside me, rubbing it along the thin wall of skin separating it from his cock. I
whimperedwhennerveselectrifiedandsomethingdeepinsidedeliciouslyclenched.
“Ican’twaituntilyouletmetakeyourasswithmycock.”
Myheadflewbackonamoan,andmybodytrembledasanotherorgasmrockedthroughme.
“I’m right there with you,” Law ground out, removing his finger to grip my hips and slam into me
once, twice, before the rhythmic throb of him coming filled me. My name fell from his lips, and his
foreheadtouchedmyback.
“Iloveyou,Cami,”heconfessedearnestly,atremorthreadinghistone.Onearmwrappedaroundme,
andhestrokedthebackofmyhandwithhis.Curlingmyfingers,Ithreadedthemthroughhisandpressed
them together into the pillows. My grip was so tight it had to hurt, but he never let on. He just kept
speakingintomyback.“Iloveyou.I’llloveyoutomorrowandfiftyyearsfromnow,andI’velovedyou
forthepastfourteen.IfellinlovewithyouwhenwewerekidsandIstoleyourfirstkissonthathill,andI
won’teverstop.”
IttookeverythinginmenottocryasItoldhimthewordsI’dwantedtosayforsolong.“Iloveyou,
too,Law.Yesterday,today,forever.”
Heslidoutofme,andwebothdroppedtooursidesfacingoneanother.“Yesterday,today,forever,”
herepeated.
We kept warm beneath the blankets, soaking one another in until the moment passed. I knew it did
whenagustblewacrosstheexposedskinofmyface,andImuttered,“It’sgoingtobeshittyclimbingout
ofheretogetdressed.”
“That’swhatI’mherefor.”Heleanedinandkissedmyforehead.Thenhedovebeneaththeblankets.
Igiggled,watchingtheshapeofhisbodymovearoundandfeelinghisplayfultouches.Akissonmy
knee,astrokeonthebottomofmyfoot,histeethagainstmyhip,histonguetastingthesideofmyribs.I
wastornbetweengettingmyclothesonandshovinghisheadbackdowntoplayforawhile.
“Areyouamagician?”Iaskedasheemergedfullydressed.Well,sortof.Isnortedashecrawledto
the end of the tailgate and saw his boxer briefs hanging out of his back pocket. He winked at me and
tuggedonhisboots.
Afterstartingthetruck,heclimbedbackup,scoopedmeandthesleepingbagIwasinintohisarms,
andranwithmetothepassengerdoor.
“Getdressedinthewarmth.”Depositingmeinmyseat,hekissedmesweetly,andslammedthedoor.
Crinkling came from behind me as he covered the truck bed with the tarp. I was dressed when he
finallyjoinedmeinthewarmtruck.
“We’regoingbacktoyourhouse,andyou’regoingtomakeroominyourclosetformystuff.”
Ilookedathimandliftedaneyebrow.“Youthinkso,huh?Movingoutofyourfancyplace?”
“Foundabetterone,”hegruntedtodisguisealaugh.
HiscommentremindedmeofsomethingIwantedtoaskhimearlier.“CanIaskyousomething?”
“Yeah?”Eventhoughtheradiowasnearlysilent,hereachedoverandturnedthedialcompletelyoff.
“Whendidyoubuythelandforthehouse?”Thenaggingfeelingwouldn’tgoawayuntilIknew.How,
in a few short months, did he not only find the perfect location, but had an architect draw plans to my
ultimatedreamhouse,allwhilewewere(mostly)ateachother’sthroats?Andwhy?
“Thedayafterthecoffeeshop,”hereturnedwithouthesitation.
Icoveredmymouthwithashakyhand.“What?”
“Toldmyselfatthetimeitwasforme,butIthinkdeepdownIalwaysknewitwasforyou.Sawyou
and knew I wouldn’t leave without giving us the shot we deserved. Made a few calls, drove out to the
land,andpaidcashthenextday.”
“Andtheplans?Didyouhavethosedrawnupthen,too?”
“No, baby.” He reached over and squeezed my thigh. “In my mind, so long as that land was just a
pieceofland,Icouldconvincemyselfithadnothingtodowithyou.Ihadtheplansdrawnupthedayafter
Ifoundtheletteratmydad’s.”
“Wow.Well,youcouldn’thavepickedabetterspot.It’sincredible.”
“WhatcanIsay?”Thedimplesonhischeekssurroundedthemostmesmerizinggrin.“I’vealwayshad
athingforwaterfalls.”
AshadI.
I gazed out the passenger side mirror, watching our new patch of land fade into the distance, and a
senseofcontentmentwashedoverme.Peacefulness.HavingLawinmylifepermanentlymeantIalmost
couldn’twaittobuildourdreamhomeandstartourlife.
Almost.
IfI’dlearnedanythingovertheyears,raisingmydaughteraloneandbuildingusalife,itwasthatI
couldwait.Sometimes,takingtheslowpathtosomethingbeautifulwasworthit.
So,that’swhatwe’ddo.Takeitslow.Lawwouldmovein.Constructionofournewhomewouldtake
monthsandbereadyforusduringthewarmsummer.Andwhilewewaitedforthatchapterofourlives,
we’dclosethisone.Buildmemoriestoreplacetheyearsweweren’ttogether.Thiswasatimetocherish.
Let’sgetstarted...
WanttoknowwhathappensnextinArrowCreekwithNathan,Rhett,Kiersten,andmoreofCami,Law,
andEvelyn?Signupformynewsletter:eepurl.com/bC3bYH
AbouttheAuthor
A.M.Wilsonlovesinfusingherstorieswithreallife—thegood,thebad,andthesteamyparts.Shethinks
there'ssomethingspecialaboutromance;thatpivotalmomentwhentwocharactersrealizetheirlovefor
eachother,butshelikeswadingthroughalittleangsttogetthere.Whensheisn'tfuriouslytypingonher
computer,shecanbefoundsearchingforhernextall-consumingread.A.M.livesinMinnesotawithher
husband,twochildren,andblacklab.
Tostayup-to-dateonnewreleases,sales,excerpts,oradvancedcopies,signupforhernewsletter:
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Acknowledgments
I don’t know what the hell happened, so I’ll do my best to explain it. This book didn’t exist in my
mind...until it did. It all began with the first scene from their childhood—the first kiss. Last year was
rough,asfarasmywritingwasconcerned,andonedayinOctoberthisideaofafirstkissscenecameto
mefastandfurious.Bam!Tenminuteslateritwasfinishedonmylaptop.Ilovedit,setitasidetoworkon
somethingelseforawhilesinceIwasn’treadytowriteanewstory,andsortofletitmarinate.Forsome
reason,thisbookwouldn’tleavemealone.Thecharacterskeptbotheringme.Afterafewweeksofnot
being able to move away from the thought, I went back to working on At the Risk of Forgetting. In the
monthofNovemberalone,Iwrote90%ofthisbook.Fromthere,I’vealsoplottedthebasicoutlinesfor
booksforNathan,Kiersten,Rhett,andsomeoneyouhaven’tmetyet.
Forthatreason,Ifirstlyneedtothankmyreadersandfriends.Iamsorryithastakenmesolongtoput
out another book, and that the book I released wasn’t the one you were waiting for. I honestly had no
control over it. This story wanted OUT. For that reason, I had to follow my heart. But I promise you,
(Toni, I’m looking at you), Sin is coming! Thank you for standing by me and giving me support and
patiencewhileIfigurethisjourneyout.
JM Walker at Just Write. Creations, you rocked this cover! Thank you for adding me to your cover
groupsoIcouldsnagnotonlythis,butalsothecoverforbooktwointheseries.Ican’twaittoshowitoff
totheworld.
RobinBatemanatRobin’sRedPen,Iloveyou.Notkidding.I’vebeenlookingtwoyearsforsomeone
whocouldeditmybooksandgiveittomestraight.You’repoliteandprofessional,butnotafraidtopoint
outwhatneedstobecorrected.Thankyouforcleaningupmymessymanuscriptandcatchingmymistakes.
Alex,Shameca,Clayr,andJC—youladiesweretheluckyfourwhogottoreadthisfirst.Thankyou
foryourfeedbackandencouragementonastoryIwasn’tsureIshould’vepublished.Loveyougirls.
To my husband, who I’ve newly dubbed, Mr. Mom, thank you for homecooked meals and a clean
homewhenI’mlockedawayforhourseachday.
And the bloggers, authors, design professionals, and readers who have ever liked, shared, or
commentedononeofmybookposts,mydeepestgratitudeforthesupport.
Don'tmissout!
ClickthebuttonbelowandyoucansignuptoreceiveemailswheneverA.M.Wilsonpublishesanew
book.There'snochargeandnoobligation.
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Connectingindependentreaderstoindependentwriters.
Document Outline
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- About the Author
- Acknowledgments
- Sign up for A.M. Wilson's Mailing List
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