Pull

by Rachel Van Dyken

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and events are

fictitious in every regard. Any similarities to actual events and

persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental. Any trademarks,

service marks, product names, or named features are assumed to be

the property of their respective owners, and are used only for

reference. There is no implied endorsement if any of these terms are

used. Except for review purposes, the reproduction of this book in

whole or part, electronically or mechanically, constitutes a

copyright violation.

PULL

Copyright © 2013 RACHEL VAN DYKEN

ISBN 978-0-9890783-0-6

Cover Art Designed by Laura Heritage

Prologue

Death is everywhere. You can’t escape it. You can’t hide

from it. And for me, the very minute I decided to embrace it as

inevitable, the planes of my universe shifted, leaving me more

confused and broken than I’d ever been in my entire life.

For me, death was the ultimate betrayal. For some, it was the

easy way out. I had no way of knowing that my life would change

so much in two short months. Maybe I wasn’t prepared for him.

I was happy in my darkness, at least that’s what I told

myself. Because life is cruel — it’s so damn cruel to give me what I

had and then rip it away. It’s cruel, because the minute I was finally

okay with being numb to the world — he showed up.

My heart wasn’t ready to be pieced together again. He did it

anyway.

My soul wasn’t prepared for heartbreak. He broke it

anyway.

My life wasn’t ready to be given to a soul mate. He stole it

anyway.

Everything has changed — even death. And all because of a

boy, who fell in love with a girl.

I sat down on the cold asphalt and bawled. I cried for me. I

cried for him. But most of all, I cried for all those minutes I was

allowed to breathe, when I deserved to be without breath. How do

you thank someone who saved your life? How do you mourn them

at the same time?

I struggled against the cop and then, I must have died,

because the very person I thought I lost not a few minutes ago was

standing over me.

“Demetri?” I gasped.

Chapter One

Seven weeks previous

Demetri

I sighed for the tenth time, hoping to gain some flicker of

sympathy from Nat. But she was immobile. Like a really hot stone

that refused to crack.

I nudged her with my foot.

Which made things worse.

I feel like that’s all I do these days. Make things worse and

then reap the awesome benefits of being a total and complete screw

up.

Maybe it’s because I’m clueless. I’m the guy who chases the

girl when clearly she wants someone else.

Damn. I’m the pathetic number two.

“Nat?” If she wasn’t going to give in, at least I could ask her

honestly. She was never the type of girl to completely ignore me

when I asked her a question.

After my near death experience, where I swear I saw my life

flash before my eyes, Nat had been a lot nicer about things between

me, her, and my brother.

The ménage a’weird.

“What, Demetri? You’ve only been sighing like some

lovesick teenager for the past hour. What do you want?”

Now that I felt completely stupid, I didn’t want to ask her

anymore. I knew she’d either tell my brother, Alec, or laugh in my

face.

“Promise you won’t tell Alec?”

“He’s my boyfriend. I love him. I tell him everything.”

Crap. “Everything?”

Nat rolled her brown eyes and shook her long blond hair to

the side. She had no idea how beautiful she was. Maybe it was a

good thing, because she had every right to be a total brat; instead

she was convinced she was plain.

“Yes, Demetri, everything. Including the time Mom and I

helped you shower after your accident, and you pretended to fall,

only to have me fall on top of you.”

Like an idiot, I grinned. I couldn’t help it. “I take it Alec

wasn’t amused.”

“You think?” She pushed me and switched the channel.

Wonder of wonders, it was my brother, singing at some awards

show.

Nat sighed. “I wish I could’ve gone with him.”

“Nat.” I nudged her with my leg. “You know he wishes you

were there too. He’ll be back in a few days to take you to college, so

you can both move on with your lives and leave me here in Hell.

Thanks for that, by the way.”

“Hey. Your choice, not mine.” She lifted her hands in the air

and sighed. “Besides, aren’t there some really good rehab places in

California? We could all be close and —”

I shook my head and managed to interrupt her by waving

my hand wildly in the air. “Not gonna happen.”

“Why?” She seemed genuinely upset, which made me want

to shoot myself — in a total non-suicidal way, of course.

“You guys need your time away from everything, away

from this.” I pointed at myself and managed a tight smile, even

when it was killing me inside to even be talking about that again.

Last year Nat had fallen for both me and my brother. I, being

the genuine ass that I was, knew she had the hots for him but

jumped in and tried to steal her anyway. I still wasn’t dealing with

some past shit that had nearly ruined my life. I blamed Alec for it,

and for once I just wanted the girl first, so I could rub his face in it.

Eventually it blew up in my face.

Literally blew up in my face in the form of a killer car

accident that I just barely managed to escape with all my limbs

intact.

After all that, it was apparent that while Nat loved me, it

wasn’t the type of love you sell your soul for, or die over. Nope, it

was more like the kind you feel for your hot cousin or maybe your

grandmother. You love them. You hope they do well in life, and

yeah, they may be good-looking (just to be clear, we’re talking

about the cousin here, not the grandma), but that’s as far as it goes.

The love she felt for Alec?

Well, it was the Twilight kind. Sorry, but it’s the only

comparison I could think of on the spot, especially considering Nat

made me read all the books. It was the I will literally stop breathing if

I can’t have you type of love.

A love I’ve only experienced once in my life. A love like that

doesn’t happen twice. It’s impossible.

“Nat?”

“What?” She seemed irritated with me. So what else was

new?

I turned around and sat back down. “Do you think?” Oh

man, I really needed to find a substitute for all the alcohol and pot,

because right now all I wanted to do was go get high or drunk or

jump off a cliff. Ever since I quit partying, I felt like a complete and

total girl. Commercials about dogs made me teary-eyed, and last

week when I saw an old man cross the street with his little wife and

watched him pat her hand, I grinned like a fool and whistled the

entire way home. Demetri Daniels does not whistle.

“Spit it out, Demetri.”

“Fine,” I grumbled and looked away from her. I couldn’t

look at her if I had to ask this. “Do you think that true love, the type

you have with Alec, do you think it could happen twice in a

lifetime?”

Nat flipped off the TV.

Aw, crap. She only did that when she needed to concentrate.

“Demetri, if this is about us…”

“No! Hell, no!” Nat scowled. “No, not like that. I don’t mean

it like that. What I meant was it’s not about us. I know how it

sounds. Sorry. I just… I don’t know. What I guess I’m asking is, do

you think I could be lucky enough to have that pull that you have

with Alec again in my lifetime?”

“Why wouldn’t you be able to?”

I looked at her. I mean, really looked at her. Damn, the girl

was too adorable. Was she serious? “Nat, I’m a recovering druggie

and alcoholic at nineteen. I almost died. Because I’m a rock star, I

have one true friend — two if you count my brother. And, oh right,

I’m stuck in Seaside, Oregon, for the next year while you go off and

have the time of your life in L.A. Add that in with all the intense

psychotherapy I’m in from two years ago when my girlfriend not

only cheated on me with my brother, but died in a tragic car

accident with their son, and yeah… I guess I’m being a little

pessimistic. Perhaps a bit depressing, but come on, Nat! Shit, look

at me!”

Nat’s lip began to tremble.

Crap. I made her cry.

Alec was going to have me by the balls.

“Nat, I didn’t mean…” I reached out to touch her arm.

She shook her head; a single tear ran down her cheek.

“Demetri, I’m so sorry!”

I hated it when Nat cried. It made my chest hurt, and I knew

Alec would be pissed that I was the one that caused it. I had always

caused it. Feeling like a total ass, I pulled her into my arms and

shushed her. “Nat, you know I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I

guess I just want to know there’s more out there for me, you know?

More to look forward to than a life full of twelve steps and empty

fame.”

Nat sniffled and pulled back. “Do you really think that

poorly of yourself? That it would be impossible for someone to fall

in love with you?”

I shook my head. “It’s not that easy, Nat. Everyone loves me.”

She punched me and laughed as she wiped a few tears

away.

“Nat.” I groaned. “It’s true, and you know it. But who’s ever

going to see me for me and fall in love with me? The real me.” I

wanted to smack myself. Why was it so important that I find what

Nat and Alec had anyway? My heart clenched a bit in my chest. I

tried to ignore the pain. I mean, it could be heartburn or something,

right? It just sucked, and honestly, after all the paparazzi stopped

stalking my every waking move, and after Alec left for L.A… I was

kind of, lonely. Shit. I was a freaking girl.

Nat was silent. She bit her lip, sniffling still. “Demetri,

nobody’s going to fall in love with you.”

My heart pounded loudly in my chest as the truth of her

words hit home. I opened my mouth to speak, but she kept talking.

“Not until you learn to love yourself. Not until you learn to

forgive. You can’t ask someone to love you when you still don’t

even love yourself.”

Natalee Murray, ladies and gentleman. Wisest woman in the

world. “You sure you’re only eighteen?”

“Going on ninety,” she joked and punched me in the arm.

“Seriously, Demetri. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s good you’re

staying back here this summer. I think it will be good for you to just

lay low. Besides, Mom said that you still had some things to work

through with her rehab program.”

Nat’s mom was one of the best addiction counselors on the

west coast. How fortunate for me that she lived in the most boring

place in the world. Also known as the taffy capital of the universe.

I groaned. “I’m going to be bored out of my mind.”

“You have Bob!” she said enthusiastically, pointing at my

security guard and, sadly, one of my only friends if you didn’t

count Nat or Alec. And again, the loneliness reared its ugly head.

“He’s bald and watches American Idol to fill the void that

killing too many people has put in his life.”

“Heard that,” Bob mumbled from the corner.

“Wasn’t whispering!” I shouted.

Bob cleared his throat.

“Sorry, Bob,” we said in unison.

Ever since the accident, the media had been relentless, so

Bob was the only relationship I was in. Sadly, I looked forward to

seeing his ugly mug every day. Of course, it may have to do with

the fact that he made coffee every morning.

One would think that after the accident things would have

died down. Instead, not a day went by that I didn’t see some new

story about myself on the news. That’s always fun, seeing ugly

pictures of myself with headlines above them saying I’m on drugs.

It’s a real self-esteem booster. I groaned into my hands.

“You’ll be fine, Demetri. I promise.”

“What am I going to do?” I whined.

Nat laughed. “Why don’t you work?”

“I work.”

“You’ve been sitting on your butt ever since the accident.

You haven’t even written one song — not even a jingle. Why don’t

you get a job?”

Bob laughed from the corner.

I narrowed my eyes at him and pointed harshly before

turning back to Nat. “Sorry, babe I don’t know the meaning of the

word.”

“You put in hours, make money, pay bills.”

“Hmm, sounds an awful lot like prostitution, and I don’t

want to give away the goods for free, if you get my meaning.”

Nat groaned and put her face in her hands.

I grinned, liking our little exchange. No way in hell was I

getting a job.

“I’ve got it!” Nat jumped from her seat. “Follow me!”

She ran up the stairs.

I chose not to follow.

Hey, I almost died! Physical exertion? Not my thing. I was

the type of guy that had the six-pack abs without even trying.

Pretty sure that was another reason I got hate mail.

Nat came back downstairs and breezed past me. “Close your

eyes.”

I glared.

“Just do it!”

“Fine.” I closed my eyes and waited, while she fashioned

something on my head.

“Okay, open!”

I opened my eyes and slowly walked to the kitchen mirror. I

gazed at my reflection and swore. Nat was jumping wildly behind

me. Bob was trying his best not to laugh.

“Hell. No.” I reached up for the visor on my head that said

Seaside Taffy, but Nat swatted my hand away.

“It will be perfect! You’ll see!”

“No, I won’t, because I’m not doing it. No.” I shook my head

and crossed my arms. “No. Never.”

Nat smiled and pulled out her phone. “We’ll see about that.”

“Who are you calling?” I tried to keep the panic from my

voice.

“Your brother.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to tell him you tried to get me to give you a

sponge bath tonight.”

I cursed. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would.” She held the phone up. “Take the job, Demetri.

Make friends. Get a life.”

“Sometimes I wish we weren’t friends.”

She threw back her head and laughed. “No, you don’t. You

love me, and I love you.”

“That’s what got me in this stupid situation in the first

place,” I grumbled, keeping the visor on and slumping into the

nearest chair.”

“Just think,” Nat leaned over me whispering. “You can try

all the taffy flavors! Bob over there is on number two hundred

already.”

“Swell.” How sad that trying every taffy flavor was

supposed to be a perk.

“Oh, and Demetri? Mr. Smith says an early riser is a happy

worker!”

Chapter Two

Demetri

Add evil.

Malicious.

Manipulative.

And crazy to all of Nat’s attributes. Somehow she convinced

her old boss that not only would it bring lots of business into

Seaside Taffy, but having a legit rock star singing on the street

would be almost like a tourist attraction.

Alec wasn’t any help at all. I begged. I pleaded. I called my

agent and told him I would gain a hundred pounds, and he would

find his money maker face down in a pile of taffy wrappers, dead

from asphyxiation, or worse in a sugar coma.

But they all laughed. Yup, they laughed. And told me it was

a good idea.

I was not amused.

And I am still not amused.

Not when I was driving to an actual job in a Mercedes that

costs more than the building the taffy is sold in.

Nor when I got out of the car, grabbed my bucket — yes,

there is an actual taffy bucket — and plopped myself on the corner

of the street.

I’ve been at it for around five days now. Five days of pure

hell with tourists dodging me and paparazzi grinning as they

snapped my photo. The first day hadn’t been so bad — nobody had

known it was me, thanks to the over-large taffy visor. I wasn’t

really sure if it was something to be thankful for, considering

satellites could pick up my beacon of bright fuchsia on the visor,

but whatever.

The second day was by far the worst. Cameras went off like

wildfire, and I’m pretty sure that a chick tried to stick taffy that I

had touched down her shirt. I didn’t even want to know the reason

behind that one.

People gathered around. They expected me to sing the jingle,

like always. I wanted to kill myself. Why didn’t I die in that

accident?

“Seaside Taffy,” I began, my voice cracked. It hadn’t cracked

since I was twelve. Again, I wanted to die. “Loads of fun, in your

tummy! Yum, yum, yum…” I swear I could feel Bob snickering

from twenty feet away; it never got old. “Ice cream, taffy, treats

galore! Don’t forget to stop at our store!” I gave a dramatic bow.

I expected applause, or at least some sort of

acknowledgement that I had, in fact, just given the best

performance of my life.

What did I get? One solitary clap. One person. I cringed,

thinking of the pity clap. It’s the type of applause every performer

dreads hearing. Swearing, I turned around. It was a girl. She looked

about as old as a first grader.

“Want some taffy?”

I held out a piece of taffy, and the mom suddenly looked

horrified, like I was planning on putting a taffy trail all the way to

my car in order to abduct her child.

They hurried away, and I was stuck again with a crowd of

people trying to get around me while I shook my bucket. “Seaside

Taffy!” I yelled louder this time and threw my hands out in the air.

Might as well commit, since this was my hell for the next few

months.

“Seaside Taffy!” I flailed my arms again and a piece of taffy

went flying out of my hand, right into the back of someone’s head.

Great, add assault to my record.

When the person turned around, I was a little shocked,

because to be honest, I thought I had hit some punk kid.

Not. The. Case.

“Seriously?” The girl stomped toward me, all five feet of her,

and glared. She was wearing a hat that said The Best Taffy in the

World and an oversized sweater, leggings, and boots.

“It slipped,” I offered lamely.

She reached for my bucket. I jerked back. “Nobody touches

the bucket.”

Wow. I was so ashamed of myself that I wanted to jump into

the bucket and hide. Was I really getting possessive over my

bucket? Like some homeless man with his cart?

The girl reached for the bucket again.

I snapped. “What’s your problem?”

“My problem?” she repeated, her eyebrows shooting to the

top of her forehead. Damn, she had pretty eyes.

I nodded. Since the accident I hadn’t written one damn song,

so at the moment words weren’t really my thing, and I was

shamelessly checking her out.

“My problem…” She laughed bitterly. “…Is that the minute

your punk rocker self got into this town, our business suffered, and

you don’t even take it seriously!” She put her hands on her hips

and scowled. “And now you’re working my corner!”

“Whoa!” I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry. Your

corner? What? Is this Pretty Woman or something?”

“Did you just call me a prostitute?”

Yes. Yes, I did. “Nope. More like a call girl. Prostitutes don’t

dress like blind middle schoolers.”

“Agh!” She swatted my bucket, making all the candy clatter

to the ground. Amused, I crossed my arms and watched the fire

blaze through her eyes. Really it was a pity she dressed so horribly,

and that she was wearing that awful hat. Though I guess my visor

wasn’t any better, but still… I made it look good.

“Just watch it.”

Brawl alert. I almost expected people to start coming out of

the alleys with toothpicks in their mouths and newspapers in their

hands to watch the entertainment.

How the hell did I get stuck in a Broadway musical?

Since I was committing to the whole Seaside Taffy act, might

as well commit to this one too. “Noted, Shop Girl. Noted. Now run

along.” See? I could be territorial.

Her eyes widened, and for a second I was shocked again at

how pretty she was. With a grunt and a cute little curse, she

stomped off across the street to the competing taffy store.

I waved in her direction and started the jingle all over again.

This time really committing by way of throwing in a few AD2

dance moves that I knew could likely land me in prison if I moved

too hastily in the wrong direction.

Three hours later I was seriously rethinking this whole job

business. It started to rain shortly after my dancing began. No

doubt people thought it was because of my inability to keep my

hips from moving with the stupid candy bucket. Great, so I was

doing a taffy rain dance.

With a sigh, I readjusted the visor and tried to protect the

taffy bucket. If my only job was to sell taffy and get people into the

store, then I didn’t want to be the one loser who got the taffy wet

and single-handedly took down the longest running taffy store in

the history of Seaside, Oregon.

Thankfully, Bob must have sensed my plight, or maybe he

was tired of me texting him every two seconds asking him for an

umbrella. I knew it was pathetic, and okay maybe a little bit

ridiculous, but I was beyond drenched. He motioned for me, and I

began to walk toward him, but he pointed at my chest.

My teeth chattered as I looked down at my shirt. I was

successfully showing everyone with two eyes my nipple ring

through my tight, wet t-shirt.

If the mom from earlier was to come by now, she’d be

horrified. And I’d be put in prison. Not because I had a nipple ring,

but because this hell-hole of a town was so backward that she’d

probably assume I was some sort of drug addict.

Which was only sort of true.

Anyway, anything would be better than the pouring rain —

or Seaside for that matter.

Ah, prison. Such a pipe dream. At least it’s warm there.

“You’re getting the taffy wet,” a female voice said from

behind me.

Slowly I turned around. It was the big-eyed girl from before.

Only now she was wearing a slick rain coat and rain boots.

“Caught that, did you?” I sneered. I wasn’t sure why I was

so irritated. Maybe it was the rain. Maybe it was withdrawals from

drugs. But I was pissed that the same girl who verbally attacked me

from earlier would not only come back for more, but blatantly tell

me something I already knew.

“I’m not stupid,” I said, shaking my head while still trying

to shield the bucket with my body.

“Sure about that?” she asked, folding her arms.

“Are you seriously going to stand out here in the rain and

challenge my intelligence?”

“That depends.” Her lips turned upward into a shadow of a

smile.

Fine, I’ll bite. “On what, sweetheart?”

“Are you going to stand in the rain or move two feet and

stand underneath the overhang from the building?”

Shit. I looked up. Sure enough there was a healthy overhang

that could have been shielding me from the rain for the past two

hours.

I shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “I like the rain.”

She bit her lip and looked around. People walked around us

with their umbrellas, all trying to duck into the shops until the rain

stopped. I shivered in response and waited for her to say

something.

“You chose the right place to be then.”

If she only knew I had no choice whatsoever in the matter.

“Yup, guess I did.” Seriously I was getting nowhere with this girl.

All flirting genes apparently died in the car accident, while I was

left very much alive and very much a loser. What a bright future I

had!

I walked underneath the overhang and gently pulled her to

my side. I could see drops of water fall out of my messy blond hair

and onto my nose. “What’s your name?”

She shrugged. “That’s not important.”

Okay, different tactic. “Why the sudden Good Samaritan

act?”

She laughed. “Ah, so he has read the Good Book.”

“Once or twice.” I grinned seductively.

“Then you should get your story straight.”

“Pardon?” I had the sudden feeling I was way out of my

league. Trapped, without a way out.

“I wasn’t coming to rescue you.”

“So you were just going to walk by?”

She threw her head back and laughed, causing the hood of

her jacket to fall back. Golden brown hair cascaded down her back.

My mouth dropped open. She really was a beautiful girl.

“Actually…” She placed a hand on my arm. “I was thinking

of beating you and then passing you by.”

“And what purpose would that serve?” I smiled. I couldn’t

help it.

“I would feel better.”

“And I would be beaten on the side of the road? Is my lot in

life to be killed by roads or something?”

“Huh?” Her eyebrows drew together.

“You don’t watch much TV, do you?”

She shrugged. “We don’t have a TV.”

“Internet?” My mind was seriously going to explode. How

did she live?

“Nope.”

“Phone?” I was grasping at straws here.

“For our house?”

I leaned in, my eyebrows raised up as if to say, Duh.

And again her teeth held captive her bottom lip as she

looked away in thought. “I think we used to. But now we just have

cell phones.”

“Thank God!” I shouted a little too loudly.

She shook her head like I was the weirdest person on the

planet.

“I, umm…” I shifted the bucket to my other arm and

scratched my head. “What I meant was…” Channel the Bible. “You

should be thankful, or blessed, or something that you have, um,

technology?” Yes, Demetri, she’s going to be eating out of your sticky

taffy hands in no time.

“Right.” She chuckled and looked away. “Well, guess I’ll see

you later.”

As she walked off, she stopped in her tracks and turned

around. “By the way, I really did have a reason for coming out

here… you know, other than to cause physical harm.”

“Oh yeah?” I grinned slyly and winked, waiting for the

inevitable.

“Yeah.” She nodded her head and pointed behind me “Your

car’s about to be towed. It’s parked in the handicap spot.”

Chapter Three

Alyssa

It was harder than I thought. Talking to him, I mean. To be

honest, I hadn’t any idea how famous he was until some girls I’d

graduated with ran into the shop and began giggling like little kids.

That was kind of how my life was, though.

Ever since the accident two years ago, I felt shut out of

everything. Like I was a shadow going through the motions. Trying

to smile at all the right times, and laugh when it was expected. I

was the best worker my parents could ask for. I was first to arrive,

last to leave. First to take up someone else’s shift. I even graduated

early, so I wouldn’t have to be around the reminders anymore.

I liked life better that way. Predictable.

When you planned things, well, it was almost like some

cruel joke from God. That once you told Him your plans, He’d try

to ruin them. My parents said it wasn’t God’s fault — they also said

it wasn’t mine. Did that make it Brady’s?

I shoved my hands into my pockets and hurried into the

store. Rain always depressed me. That meant I was living in the

worst place on the planet. If I needed cheering up, I had to go

tanning in order to soak up some fake sunlight.

Last Christmas my parents even put special lights in my

room, so I would smile more.

I’ve smiled less ever since.

Well, until five days ago.

When that idiot rock star actually stood on a street corner

and sang about Taffy, and then proceeded to roll his hips to the

beat in his own head, I wanted to call him a dang fool, but I

couldn’t pull my eyes away. Something about him was magnetic —

which should have been my first clue to stay away.

Brady had been magnetic too. He was perfect, charismatic,

the star of the football team.

And look where that love got me.

A year out of high school, still living with my parents, and

the inability to drive anywhere more than an hour away for fear

that I would have a panic attack and die.

I pushed the door to my parents’ store open. The bell jingled.

That idiot had started work today, and our sales had never been

worse. He was such a spectacle that even people who didn’t know

his music wanted to go check out the taffy store. Which was great

for our competitors, crappy for us. It’s not as if I could just find

some famous person and beg them to wear one of our shirts and

throw taffy at people. What the heck was he doing anyway? I even

watched him schmooze an old lady. Did the guy have any shame at

all?

I would die before I let anything happen to my parents’

livelihood, and I would happily take Demetri with me. It wasn’t as

if I had anything exciting going on now.

Shoving the door to the counter away, I went back to the

stool and picked up my cell. Ten missed calls.

“Crap.” I quickly scrolled through the missed numbers.

It was Mrs. Murray, my counselor. I looked at the clock on

the wall. “Crap!” I said again, grabbing my keys and running for

the door. “Dad! I’m going to be late for my appointment!”

He appeared from the back room. “Oh, okay, Honey. You

need me to drive you?” His eyes briefly held mine before looking

down at the ground. He knew how uncomfortable cars made me

after everything that had happened.

“Um, no. I’ll be fine. It’s only a few miles away. Love you!” I

heard him tell me to be careful as I ran out the door.

****

I ran into the large beach house and practically beat down

my counselor’s door.

“Alyssa! I was worried you weren’t going to make it.” Mrs.

Murray was in her late forties and wore spectacles that constantly

slipped down her nose. Her brown hair was always in a bun, and

she always dressed as if she was in a hurry. In fact, she did

everything like she was in a hurry. Everything but the listening and

talking part of her job. I imagined she would probably work in her

sleep if she could.

I gave her a tight smile. “Yeah, well, I’m here.” If I didn’t

show, she would just tell my parents, and then I’d be on suicide

watch for no reason. At least that was the fear. It wasn’t as if she

could do that based solely on the fact that I didn’t show up. But last

time I didn’t show up… well, let’s just say my parents caught me in

my bathroom staring at a bottle of ibuprofen and flipped. I told

them I had a headache, but that was the exact moment my dad also

asked me to open my hand. I swear the bottle had spilled, and I

was just trying to put the pills back in. But they didn’t believe me.

Nobody did. Story of my life.

The smell of peppermint tea greeted me as I waltzed into the

small office and took a seat on the leather couch. Mrs. Murray did

an amazing job with the ambiance. I could almost forget that she

was a shrink, and I was there to tell her all my innermost secrets

and feelings — almost.

“So.” She fell into the leather chair across from me and

pulled out her notepad. “We’re almost to the two-year anniversary

of the incident.”

I wanted to give some sort of snide remark. I mean, hello? I

was living this nightmare. Believe me, I knew exactly what the day

was. I knew exactly how many days I had left, and even if I could

forget, my nightmares constantly reminded me of the hell I was

living every single day.

“Yup.” I managed to shrug nonchalantly. I should have been

an actress. With a quick smile I leaned back onto the couch and

exhaled, knowing what she was going to ask next.

“And how do you feel about that?”

“How do I feel?” I repeated, feeling the familiar anger

thump through my chest. “I feel fan-freaking-tastic. I mean, I’ve

learned so much about myself in these past two years. I’m going to

take up watercolors to share my feelings. And hopefully, later this

afternoon, I’ll frolic across the beach and giggle until I fall to my

knees and pet a mermaid when it joins me on the sand.”

“Sarcasm.” Mrs. Murray scribbled something on her

notepad and glanced back up. “Good. At least you’re not burying

your anger inside anymore. What else?”

Sweat began to pool at the back of my neck as I fought to

keep my emotions in check. My eyes flickered to the ground, and

my breathing grew more and more shallow. “I hate it here.”

“We’ve been over this, Alyssa.” Mrs. Murray sighed. “I

know you hate it here, but do you really think the best thing for

you to do is escape your current situation? So, what? You run away

instead of facing your fears? Your anxiety? Tell me how that will

help you, and I’ll be all for it, Alyssa.”

I bit my lip in response and tucked my hair behind my ears.

Biting my lip was a nervous habit I developed when I was either

trying to keep myself from talking too much or crying. It was

usually the latter these days.

“Listen, Alyssa.” Mrs. Murray set her tablet on the table next

to her and leaned forward. “I’m going to be doing a summer grief

group. I really want you to think about attending.”

“You’re not going to make me?” I snapped. I didn’t mean to

sound so harsh, but I always felt defensive, because I knew the only

way I could please my parents was to come here. And in all

honesty, I also knew that I probably wouldn’t be here in the first

place, if I hadn’t gotten into that truck.

I owed them.

Just like I owed Brady.

“I’ll think about it,” I mumbled.

Mrs. Murray smiled. “I think you’ll really enjoy it, Alyssa.

There will be some other kids your age. Support groups offer

exactly that, support. When was the last time you even went out

with friends? Or went to a movie?”

“I work.” I shrugged.

She lifted an eyebrow and grabbed her notepad to scribble

something else. “Right, so you work twenty-four seven, can’t drive

more than ten miles outside of town, and you think you’re just

fine?”

My eyes flickered to hers then back to the ground, and I

swallowed slowly. “I know I’m not fine.”

“Go on.”

“It’s just… I don’t think I’ll ever be fine again. I feel broken.”

Oh, crap. Now I was going to start crying, and I hated

crying. Hated feeling any sort of weakness.

“What does broken feel like, Alyssa?”

“What does it feel like?” I laughed bitterly and clenched my

hands together. “It feels like hell. It feels like I’ll never be normal

again. Every night I relive the accident, and every morning it’s the

same. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep myself from

crying when I brush my teeth. I can’t even bring myself to listen to

music because it reminds me of him. I can’t get into trucks. And

whenever I even hear a football game, I nearly have a breakdown.

So yeah, I would say that’s broken. When you can’t even function

in a normal world. When you can’t breathe without your chest

hurting.”

It was silent in the room except for my ragged breathing.

Mrs. Murray wrote a few things down then looked at me.

“Wow, Alyssa. I’m proud of you for being brave enough to share

that. You realize we’ve never talked about your other fears before?

Only the anxiety about long car rides. I truly think you are making

progress.”

“Right,” I mumbled, feeling suddenly drained.

“And…” She wrote a few more notes down. “Since you were

late, our session is going to have to be cut short. I have another

client expected in a few minutes. But Alyssa, I really want you to

think about this grief group. The first meeting is a week from

Saturday.” She pulled out a small yellow flyer. The fact that it had

smiling people on the front did nothing to ease my misgiving that

this was a bad idea. The meeting place was TBD.

I lacked the strength to argue at that point, so I swiped it and

stuffed it into my messenger bag before saying thanks and stepping

out of her office.

Needing escape, I stumbled toward the door and jerked it

open.

And walked straight into a wall of muscle.

“Whoa there.” Strong arms came up to steady me.

I recognized that voice. Slowly, I raised my eyes and met

Demetri’s horrified gaze.

I jerked away. “Are you stalking me?”

“Are you the famous one?” he stated. Quite snidely, I might

add.

“Clearly not, considering I actually have humility.”

He smirked. “Little girl’s got a big bite.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to sidestep him, but he grabbed

my shoulders again. “So, I guess that begs the question. Are you

stalking me?”

Rolling my eyes, I clenched my teeth and jerked away from

his touch. “Yes, rock star. I love you. I want to have your babies. I

draw hearts around your name, and tonight, when I get home, I’m

hoping to create a love spell that will make you fall in love with

me.”

He smirked and his dimples framed his all-too-perfect face. I

couldn’t pull my eyes away, even though my mind screamed for

me to do so.

“I think you’re bad for my ego.”

“Someone has to be.”

“Touché.” His eyes flickered to my lips and then back to my

face.

“Can I go now?” I pushed past him. He finally released me,

but the sensation of his touch remained.

“What’s your name?” he yelled after me.

“None of your business,” I said without turning around. The

car roared to life, and I was off. Though I’ll admit I did glance in

the rearview mirror… maybe once or twice. Any living, breathing

girl would. He was a god among boys, but he knew it. And his

reckless type of lifestyle would be like my poison and my drug.

Staying away from him was necessary. I needed to protect myself

at all costs.

Chapter Four

Demetri

Damn, that girl was hard to read and hostile to boot. One

minute I thought we were flirting, the next she looked like she’d

rather cut off my balls than say another word to me.

I never claimed to be the smartest guy when it came to the

opposite sex, but she seemed like she was in to me, and then like

flipping a switch, she turned indifferent.

I shrugged it off and went into Mrs. Murray’s office. It was a

familiar place for me over the past year, especially since she had

single-handedly been responsible for giving me the ability to move

through my twelve-step program without jumping head-first into

the ocean.

“Demetri, you’re early.” Mrs. Murray said sarcastically.

Okay, fine. So I was rarely early to anything. Crap, I bet I

was late to my own birth. But in my defense, the whole job thing

had me running on a different schedule. I started getting up at

seven, eating lunch at noon like most people in this world, and

going to bed at a decent hour in order to keep myself from falling

asleep once I had to start work. Clearly it was a good idea,

considering all the drama that took place at the taffy shop today.

I had only been at my new schedule for a few days, and

already I was feeling a bit suicidal, like any minute the boredom

would finally get to me, and I’d wake up to find myself actually

crazy. You know, the type of crazy where drool flows out of a guy’s

mouth and he think cats talk to him.

“Have a seat.” Mrs. Murray pointed to the usual couch. I

laughed and sat on the floor as was my custom. Something about

sitting on the couch made me uncomfortable. I mean, I’m sure it

was a comfortable couch — it was leather after all, but it made the

whole situation seem too real.

If I sat on the couch, it meant I was actually in therapy.

If I sat on the floor, I could convince myself I was just at

Nat’s house hanging out. Most the time I would go into the kitchen

halfway through our session, grab some popcorn and soda, then

return and spill my guts.

I was always like that.

Lucky for me, Mrs. Murray didn’t mind, as long as I stayed

out of trouble and actually participated in our sessions.

I leaned my back against the couch and sighed, running my

hand through my still wet hair.

“How has work been?” Mrs. Murray asked once she took a

seat and grabbed her notepad.

“Well, let’s see.” I cracked my knuckles and laughed. “I sing

a taffy jingle on a street corner like some cheaply paid whore, and

today I almost got my car towed.” I ended with a little smile and

waited while she wrote stuff down.

“So it’s going well then?”

“I haven’t been arrested yet for public intoxication or selling

drugs to little kids, so sure. It’s going well.”

“Two sarcastic appointments in a row. How did I get so

lucky?” Mrs. Murray mumbled behind her notepad. I don’t think

she meant for me to hear.

“What was that?” I cupped my ear. “You weren’t just

complaining about your favorite client, were you?”

Mrs. Murray rolled her eyes. I laughed at her expression. She

knew me far better than even Alec these days. I told her everything.

It helped that her daughter was my best friend, even though it

made Alec want to punch me most the time.

“So, this taffy job… do you feel like it’s keeping you out of

trouble?”

I leaned forward. “That’s a dumb question.”

“Excuse me?” Her eyebrows lifted.

“Watch.” I cleared my throat. “Asking if it’s keeping me out

of trouble is like asking a kid if school keeps him from joining a

gang. Or if joining the football team keeps you from doing drugs

and having premarital sex. Staying out of trouble has nothing to do

with keeping your hands from being idle.”

I cleared my throat.

Mrs. Murray scribbled a few things down. “Now I’m

intrigued, Demetri. What does it have to do with?”

I shrugged. “Color me weird, but I don’t think giving away

condoms keeps kids from having sex. I also don’t think parents

who allow their kids to drink at home are keeping their kids from

underage drinking. And keeping me busy doesn’t keep me from

doing stupid shit.”

“Then what does?”

I grinned. “It all comes down to my self-control and my

desire to be a better person. Occupying my time with tons of busy

work just irritates me. If I’m going to do something stupid, or if any

kid’s going to do something stupid, they’ll just wait until they have

time to do it. Like after football practice, or after their job. Anyway,

to answer your previous question, the job makes me want to kill

myself, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.” I

exhaled and popped my knuckles again. “Half the time I want to

get high, the other half I wish I was drunk, which leaves like an

hour in my day when I’m not thinking about those things, and

during that hour all I can think about is the fact that the one woman

I’ve ever truly loved, died, and I could have saved her.”

Mrs. Murray’s eyes widened.

I hadn’t meant to say that much.

I blamed the fact that my head was constantly clear. I was

getting more and more honest about my emotions. I couldn’t figure

out if that meant I was getting weak or that I’ve always been that

guy, I just never knew.

The silence was deafening. I cleared my throat. “I’m just

going to go make some popcorn if that’s cool?”

Mrs. Murray nodded.

I pushed to my feet and nearly ran out of the tiny office into

the kitchen. Within seconds I felt like I could breathe again, but it

didn’t change the fact that I had just admitted, not only to my

shrink, but to myself, how completely screwed up I was.

In a few minutes I had popcorn and a soda. I glanced back at

the office door and took a deep breath, hoping to God that she

wouldn’t make me talk any more about my feelings.

It was quiet when I walked in. Mrs. Murray sat, legs crossed,

waiting for me. I plopped onto the floor and tossed some popcorn

into my mouth.

“We have about fifteen minutes left of our session, Demetri.”

She always did this, mainly because the first time we had a

session I would ask how much longer we had, like every five

minutes. Now she just told me, so I wouldn’t interrupt her.

“Okay.” I sipped the sugary soda. It was nothing like beer. It

made my stomach almost sick, but ever since I quit all my

addictions, I needed something to drink that wasn’t bad for me —

not that high fructose corn syrup was good, but still.

My obsession with Starbucks had also skyrocketed over the

last year. It was the only way to keep the cravings at bay. I would

drink soda during the afternoon and evening, and in the mornings

I had at least three cups of coffee. I added non-alcoholic Kahlua

creamer in order to get my fix.

Keeping my fingers occupied, when all I wanted was a

cigarette, also proved a problem. At nineteen, it wasn’t like it was

illegal, but smoking went hand in hand with drinking for me. If I

had one, I wanted the other, so I had to cut everything out of my

life.

Nat had suggested licorice. It helped sometimes. Most of the

time I just felt like beating my head against a wall.

“Demetri, did you hear me?”

“Hmm?” My head snapped up. I reached for more popcorn,

but the bowl was empty. I really needed to start running or doing

something so I didn’t blow up from all the stress-eating.

Mrs. Murray set down her notepad. “I think we made a lot

of progress today, Demetri.” She cleared her throat. “I also think

you’re right.”

“Pardon?” I sputtered.

“What you said about people making choices. I think you

were spot on. Not only that, but it’s a very wise thing for you to say

at such a young age.”

“I’m nineteen,” I growled.

Her smile was patronizing. The type of smile you give a kid

when they hold up their hand and say, “I’m five now!” I closed my

eyes and rested my head against the cold leather couch.

“Yes, you are,” she agreed. “I think you’d be a good group

leader too, Demetri.”

Was she high?

“Um, you know I’m kind of in a group, right? As in, my

brother and I are in a group, and I’m the lead singer?” I was

looking at her like she’d lost her mind.

“Got that.” She winked. “I mean a group leader in group

therapy.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “I think I’m a little too messed

up in the head to lead anyone right now.”

“Which is why you’re perfect.” She stood and brushed her

hands on her skirt. “The rest of the group will relate to you, and I

think you’re ready for the next step.” She sighed and looked

straight into my eyes. “Demetri, can I be honest with you?”

“Aren’t you always?”

She gave me a hand up. I was towering over her as she

slipped off her glasses and wiped them on her shirt. “I don’t think

you’re going to keep making progress until you start to heal, and I

don’t think you’re going to start healing unless you deal with the

grief you went through. I think you need to be around people who

understand that grief. Maybe together you guys can work through

stuff. Besides, you’re a natural leader, which makes you either the

most powerful man in the room or the most dangerous.”

“Why the most dangerous?” I drew my eyebrows together

and shoved my hands in my pockets.

Mrs. Murray returned her glasses to her face. “Because, you

can lead people to success, or you can bring them down with you.”

“Kind of how Alec brought me down with the whole drugs

and alcohol thing?”

She nodded and grimaced. “Yes. Though when you remind

me of things like that, you make the mom side of me want to check

up on him and Nat.”

“Nat’s fine.” I rolled my eyes.

“Right.” She patted my arm and led me to the door. “Just

think about it, okay?” She pushed a small, yellow paper into my

hand. Did that mean I had to read it?

I stuffed it into my pocket. “Fine. Hey, is Nat home?”

Mrs. Murray tilted her head. “She didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“One of the shows was canceled, so Nat flew down early to

be with Alec.”

“Oh.” A stab of disappointment jammed my chest, irritating

the hell out of me.

“Demetri?”

“Yeah?” I turned back around.

“You need to find some friends.”

Find? She made it sound like a Where’s Waldo game. Crap. At

this point I’d even settle for Waldo, but there were next to no

normal people in this small town. Most of them partied anyway.

How did a person even make friends without partying? I laughed

and shrugged her off. “Story of my life. I’ll let you know how the

search goes next time I’m out and about, singing my taffy song.”

“Okay.” She smiled warmly, and I left the house.

The warm summer air whipped my hair against my

forehead. I pulled out my cell phone and sent a group text to Nat

and Alec.

BOTH OF YOU SUCK. I HATE U. O, AND I ALMST CRIED

IN MY COUNSELING SESSION. YOUR FAULT. BOTH OF U. P.S.

I TRIED THREE FLAVORS OF TAFFY TODAY. SCORE!

I jumped into my car. Within seconds the phone buzzed. I

looked down, and there was a picture of Alec and Nat both making

sad faces, and below the picture it said, WE LUV U. STOP BEING

A BABY. MAYBE IF U EAT THE ALCOHOL-FLAVORED TAFFY,

YOU’LL STOP BEING SUCH A GIRL. KIDDING. STAY CLEAN !

“Right.” I rubbed my eyes and started the engine, then

remembered I lived next door. What the heck? Maybe I was losing

my mind. The last place I wanted to be was home by myself. Bob

might get pissed, considering he’s kind of like my babysitter, but

still. I wanted to go. Out.

I put the car into drive and headed toward city center.

Chapter Five

Alyssa

I closed the door to the store and leaned against it. There

wasn’t much to clean up, considering we hadn’t been very busy.

After my counseling appointment, I came back to the store to work.

Dad and Mom both decided to go home and have some

dinner. But I wasn’t hungry; besides, someone had to stay and lock

up.

I went to the counter and put away the free samples. We had

just made a new flavor. It was salted caramel popcorn. I had

wanted to try it, but the smell kept me away.

Grimacing, I threw it in the trash and gathered up the tossed

wrappers. Within a few minutes the back counter was cleared. The

sun was beginning to set. I went to the windows to pull the blinds,

when a flashy car caught my eye.

What the heck was Demetri doing back at work?

I knew his schedule. Okay, so I hated myself that I knew his

schedule. But he only worked until four every day. It was already

past six. I was still trying to decide how pathetic it was that, after

only a few days, I knew exactly when the guy arrived and left

work. Clearly, I needed to find a hobby or something.

Like a peeping tom, I drew the blinds farthest from the door

then peeked between them. Demetri’s car was parked by the taffy

store, but he was nowhere to be seen.

I squinted and opened the blinds wider.

Weird. Did he go inside?

I was just getting ready to open the door and step outside

when a hand hit the window in front of me.

With a curse, I fell back to the ground taking an entire row of

taffy with me.

Lucky for me, the blinds to the door weren’t closed, meaning

Demetri, the bastard, saw everything.

Though to be fair, he did look a bit shocked as he ran into

the store and helped me to my feet.

“Trying to kill me?” I brushed his hands away, but he kept

prodding at me as if I was some sort of science experiment gone

bad, so I shoved him. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do.

And honestly, it felt good to hit him. Maybe I was packing a lot of

rage for the rock star. But nobody should have it as easy as he did.

Good looking? Rich? All he had to do was smile, and he had the

world at his feet. Maybe it was jealousy that while I was stuck at

my parents’ store, he had the whole world as his oyster, yet chose

to get high and nearly kill himself instead of doing something with

his life.

“I’m so sorry.” Demetri dropped to the floor and began

putting the taffy back into the buckets.

“You’re sorry you scared me? Sorry you nearly gave me a

heart attack? Or sorry you caused me to bruise my butt?”

Demetri looked up into my eyes with his smug smile. “Your

butt, huh? Want me to take a look? Wouldn’t want any permanent

damage.”

“No thanks.” I rolled my eyes and knelt down next to him.

“You can go. I’ve got this.”

“This…” He pointed to the mess at our knees. “Is all my

fault. Honestly, I was just trying to scare you, not kill you or

destroy your taffy. Hey, what flavor is this?”

“ADD much?” I snatched the taffy from his hand.

“ADD? Hey, that’s like our band name, AD2…” He grabbed

another piece of taffy from the floor. “How about this one? What’s

this flavor?”

“Oh my gosh! Just leave!” I snatched the taffy from his hand.

He shrugged. “I have nowhere to go, and this is going to

take you at least another hour. Plus, it’s the least I can do after

nearly killing you at the ripe old age of…” His voice trailed off as

he looked at me with seductive eyes.

I felt myself flush as I looked away. “Eighteen. I’m

eighteen.”

“Me too.”

“Congratulations, you’ve found common ground. Now we

can get married.”

“Ah, the other one.” He snapped his fingers in the air and

grinned.

“Huh?”

He unwrapped a piece of taffy. “The other sarcastic client

Mrs. Murray had today. Thanks for that, by the way. By the time I

got to her she had already had her fill of sarcasm for the day. And I

ate an entire bowl of popcorn to keep myself from spilling all my

feelings.”

“An entire bowl?” I divided the taffy into piles, so I could

put them in the right buckets. “And you’re still hungry?” I pointed

to the taffy he was unwrapping.

“Oh this.” He put the trash in his pocket and popped the

taffy into his mouth. “I told my friend, Nat, that I’d stay clean,

right?”

I nodded.

“So, I have this thing. Every day I stay clean, I try at least

three new taffy flavors. Gives me something to look forward to and

all that.”

“That’s depressing.”

He laughed. “If you only knew.” His eyes sparkled just a bit

before he scratched his forehead and swallowed the taffy. “So what

flavor did I just eat?”

“I don’t know, give me the wrapper.”

He pulled it out of his pocket and placed it in my hand. I

purposefully ignored the fact that his touch lingered longer than

necessary and lifted the wrapper to my nose. “Blueberry

pancakes.”

“Whoa. Taffy super powers. Nice.”

I laughed. “To be fair, you have the taffy jingle super

powers, so we’re kind of even.”

He smiled back at me. My heart nearly stopped. His deep-set

dimples brought attention to his mouth, and when I looked at his

mouth, I felt things I hadn’t felt since Brady. I cleared my throat

and continued putting taffy into piles.

Demetri sighed. “Right, so I’ll just help you sort all this.”

We worked in silence. Demetri ate two more pieces of taffy,

each time asking me to please sniff the wrapper, because it was the

most exciting thing he’d seen in weeks.

It was hard not to laugh around him.

“That it?” He picked up the last bucket and shoved it onto

the rack.

“Yup.” I looked around the store.

“Can I ask you something?” Demetri looked at me then

down at his feet. Was he nervous?

Amused, I crossed my arms. “You may ask me something,

yes.”

“Promise not to laugh?”

“No.”

“Promise not to feel sorry for me.”

At that I did laugh. “Easy. I’d never feel sorry for a celebrity

who owned a car more expensive than my house, but since it seems

to piss you off more, yeah, I feel real sorry for you.”

His shoulders seemed to sag a bit. “Fine, at least promise

you won’t blog about what I ask you.”

“That, I can promise,” I agreed. “That is, if you promise to

leave.”

He rolled his eyes and ignored my jab. “What’s it like to

have friends? Actual friends. The types you can tell anything to, the

ones that you do stupid shit with and stay up all night with just

shooting the breeze?”

That was not what I was expecting him to ask. Stunned, I

could only stare at him as I told my mouth to work and form

words.

He cursed. “Forget it.”

“No, wait.” I grabbed him before he could leave. My hand

was on his thickly muscled forearm. I swallowed the dryness in my

throat as I looked into his eyes. I expected to see some sort of

smugness or at least the familiar cockiness, but all I saw was pain.

Deep-rooted pain.

I knew that look.

It was the same look I saw in the mirror every single day.

And I knew because of that look, now I felt bad that I promised

him, because in that moment I did pity him. I pitied anyone who

had that look in their eyes, because I knew what it meant. I knew

what it held. I knew what its future was, and it was a very, very

lonely future.

“Honestly?” I pulled back my hand. “I used to know what it

was like. It was nice. But I don’t really have friends anymore.”

“Why?” His eyebrows drew together in confusion.

I wanted to tell him everything, tell him how they’d

abandoned me after the accident. That I was considered broken,

and after a while my friends couldn’t handle being around me. It

was too hard for them, too hard for me, and eventually too hard for

everyone in this sleepy town.

“They moved away,” I lied and gave him a weak smile.

“Besides, I have a career.” I nodded to all the taffy and offered him

another smile.

He smiled with me. “Yes, I can see that.”

“Good.” I nudged him. “Anyway, thanks for helping me.”

“Well, it was my fault to begin with, but you’re welcome…”

I knew he was searching for my name.

I bit my lip and sighed. “Alyssa, my name is Alyssa.”

Did he just blush? Demetri looked down at the floor then bit

his lip. I wondered if he had the same nervous habit. “I like it.”

“Me too.”

“Don’t you want to know my name?” he teased.

“I know your name.”

His face turned serious. “Can I tell you anyway?”

“Sure.”

“Demetri.” He held out his hand. I took it. His hand

engulfed mine. It was like shaking hands with a giant. A very hot

giant.

“Nice to meet you, Demetri.” His name felt good on my lips.

I wasn’t sure if I should kick him for it or just pretend like I didn’t

care that he had such a crazy effect on me.

He released my hand and pushed the door open, then

turned around. “So I’ll see you around then?”

“I’ll be here.”

“And I’ll be over there.” He nodded toward the corner.

“Singing.”

“Don’t forget your bucket,” I teased.

He roared with laughter. “Goodnight, Alyssa.”

“Goodnight.”

Holy crap. I was in some deep, deep trouble.

Chapter Six

Demetri

I smiled like an idiot the rest of the way home. I couldn’t

help it. Alyssa. Laughing, I walked into the house and went to the

fridge for another soda. I’d usually have a beer about now, and I

was excited about actually talking to someone my age who wasn’t

my brother, my brother’s girlfriend, or a crazy fan. In fact, she

didn’t even stutter when I talked to her.

I wasn’t sure if I should be concerned or excited.

The TV was on in the background. I flipped open the can of

soda and downed half of it before jumping onto the couch.

Bob was sitting there, his eyes trained on the TV like a man

starved. Poor guy, because of his job he hardly got any TV time in,

and I know he was just as bored as I was, considering he had to

basically wait around while I worked at the taffy store.

“Tried blueberry pancakes yet?” I took another sip of soda.

“Yup.”

“Cherry Cola?”

“Yup.”

Damn. “Salted caramel corn?”

Bob fell silent then looked at me. “Nope.”

We played this every night. He was so far ahead in the taffy

tasting that it was pathetic. It was my one goal to beat him and eat

a piece of taffy he hadn’t yet eaten.

His eyes narrowed. “Seaside Taffy doesn’t have that flavor.”

“I know.” I smiled triumphantly. “I was flirting with the

competition.”

“Whoring yourself out again?”

“Very funny, Bob.”

He shrugged. “I thought so.”

“Admit it, you want to try some now.”

“Maybe.” He rose from his seat and gave me the remote.

I shook my head. “It’s all yours tonight, man. I’m going to go

write.”

“School’s out?” He leaned in as if to see if I was high.

I slapped his hand away. “I’m not high, I’m not drunk, and I

know school’s out. Songs. I’m going to go write some songs.”

“You haven’t written since you and Nat…”

“Thank you for being so perceptive.” I slapped him on the

back. “I’ll be upstairs writing and pouring out my feelings. Have

fun watching the game.”

He nodded and sat back down.

****

My guitar was gathering dust in the corner. I hadn’t picked

it up since that day last fall when I crashed Nat’s homecoming and

played the song I wrote for her. I didn’t know it at the time, but she

and my brother were already in love. Later that night, I tried to get

her out of her clothes and into my bed before my brother beat me to

it.

I hit a wall.

It was like, I couldn’t write anymore.

It was also part of the reason I didn’t feel bad that Alec was

doing all our promo. We were supposed to go back on tour after

my rehab stint this summer, and somehow we had to record our

album in the next four months to do some tours in the fall.

It was the beginning of June, and I was still twiddling my

thumbs about writing some stuff.

Before, all my songs had been about getting wasted and

partying at the clubs. Then I wrote a song for Nat. It was my

favorite song I’d ever written. It was a different sound than before

and was going on our next album.

I wanted more songs like it, more songs that talked about

important stuff, not just going to parties and living it up.

I strummed a few chords and sighed.

The view from my room was legit. I put the guitar down and

pushed open the window. The sea breeze floated into the room.

Sitting back down, I grabbed my pencil and paper and strummed a

few chords again.

“Good Taffy, strong taffy,” I sang, then laughed. Wow, the

fans would love that one.

“Salted caramel corn makes me want to kiss her…” I

crooned and snorted with disgust.

“Alyssa,” I said her name softly and then a little louder.

Something was up with that chick. Why wouldn’t she have

friends? I didn’t for one second buy that crap about them all

moving away. Besides, she was gorgeous. I mean, she didn’t dress

the best, but still, those eyes, those lips? That face. I knew a hot girl

when I saw one. At least the girl should have a boyfriend.

“Pretty girl.” I sighed, and then like it had happened

thousands of times before, my fingers glided across the guitar, and

I began to sing.

“You’re bad. Bad for me, bad to me, bad with me. I know it when I

see your face, the way your smile tilts that way. But I can’t, can’t stop

myself from staring, can’t stop myself from swearing. I’ll never be that

way, with you.

Slowly, I catch myself from falling, faster. I want to be with you

now, not after, after you heal from that pain. I’ll never be the same.

Trust. The word falls easy from my lips. Trust me, need me, use

me. You call to me. Your eyes hide secrets I want to know. Yet I keep

myself from asking, afraid that the answers are too close to home.

Slowly, I catch myself from falling, faster. I want to be with you

now, not after, after you heal from that pain. I’ll never be the same.”

I played it in a minor key, giving it a folksy feel. I figured if I

added some electronic sound effects, it would be amazing.

I looked over the words and cringed. I’d forgotten how

emotional writing was, how it seemed to reflect exactly what was

on my mind and damn the consequences. The words taunted me as

I put the paper down and finished the song.

I set up GarageBand and recorded it, then attached it to an

email for Alec.

My phone rang five minutes later.

“Dude,” Alec said on the other end. “What was that?”

“A song?” I swallowed. Crap, I thought he would like it.

“You made Nat cry.”

“It wasn’t about her!” I argued. “I just wrote it and —”

“Chill.” Alec laughed. “She cried because it was so beautiful,

and because she gets emotional when she’s proud. Right, babe?”

I heard Nat say a dirty word and laughed.

“She’s mad at me for telling you.” Alec chuckled into the

phone. “Can we record that for the album?”

I thought about it for a minute. It was kind of personal, and

it wasn’t even about me, but about her. But it wasn’t as if she

listened to us anyway. “Sure. Yeah, let’s do it.”

“Cool, now write twenty more.”

“While you do what?”

Alec laughed into the receiver and spoke in a low voice. “I

think I’ll have Nat keep me occupied.”

“And this conversation is over.” I rolled my eyes. “Later,

brother.”

“Bye.”

It was three in the morning before I found my bed, and also

the first time in the last year that I didn’t crave something to numb

my feelings.

I felt raw. Exposed. I’d forgotten how much I liked it. Liked

to actually feel, as bad as it hurt. It was real, it was life. And I was

finally living.

Chapter Seven

Alyssa

I ran the dishrag over the counter for the hundredth time,

while trying not to look out the window at Demetri.

“I think it’s clean,” came a voice from behind me. I nearly

jumped out of my skin. With a slight sigh, I jerked away from the

counter and stared at my dad. His expression was a cross between

worry and amusement. At least he didn’t look freaked that I was

going to off myself in the middle of the night. Was that progress?

“What are you doing here?” I asked a little too breathlessly.

Dad’s face broke out into a smile. “I own the place, and I had

it on good authority — your mother’s — that you looked

exhausted, so I was going to give you a few hours to yourself.”

I hated hours to myself. I hated any time to myself, because

that meant my focus was on me, and when my focus was on me, it

was on Brady. And when my focus was on Brady… I just wanted to

cry.

“Um…” My eyes traveled to the window that looked out at

Main Street and Seaside Taffy, our competitors. A few people were

gathering around the corner, and I knew Demetri had probably just

gotten in to work.

“You okay?” Dad asked, though his voice sounded far away.

I kept my eyes focused on Demetri as he took a bow to the

gathering crowd and began tossing taffy out. Idiot. Our business

wasn’t doing horrible, but it’s not like he was helping our sales any.

If people had the choice between Demetri Daniels or a depressed

girl with a permanent scowl, they’d choose Demetri every single

time.

As if he could hear my every thought, Demetri’s head

turned and our eyes locked. At least that’s what it felt like. His stare

was so pensive, my palms began to sweat. Slowly, I sank behind

the counter until it was just my eyes peeking over the edge.

My dad chuckled. “What are we doing?” He joined me by

the counter and seemed to be more curious than alarmed. Great.

Now I looked like a crazy person.

“Uh…” I licked my lips and frantically tried to search for an

excuse. “I dropped the rag.” My fingers released the rag onto the

floor. I offered a small smile.

“You sure you’re doing okay?” Dad felt my forehead. “You

feel hot.”

“She does look hot, doesn’t she?” I knew that irritating,

beautiful, ridiculous voice. I closed my eyes and prayed I was

imagining things.

My dad shot onto his feet and laughed. “You wouldn’t

happen to be the person my daughter’s been staring at for the past

few minutes, would you?”

“Probably not,” came Demetri’s voice. I opened my eyes to

glare. He was staring at me, and then he winked. Crap. “She

doesn’t like rock stars. In fact, she verbally assaulted me yesterday

about working her corner.”

“Alyssa,” Dad scolded.

“Dad,” I said back in a warning voice as I rose to my feet.

“Did you need anything, Demetri?”

His eyes crinkled as he attacked me with one of the most

gorgeous smiles I’d ever seen in real life. “I did… I do.”

Insert long and awkward pause here where my dad looked

between the two of us, chuckled, and walked off. Well, at least he

was laughing. I hadn’t heard his laugh in what felt like years.

“What?” I snapped.

Demetri shrugged. “I saw you staring at me.”

“Did not!” My nostrils flared. “There’s no way you could see

me through the windows from that far away.”

“So you were staring.” Demetri folded his muscled arms

across his chest.

“No.” I swallowed and looked at the ground. Looking

anywhere but at him seemed like a good idea.

“I felt it.” He placed his hands on the counter and leaned

forward so our faces were mere inches apart. “Not that I mind. I

just thought I’d come over and say hi, since you seemed to be

beckoning me over with your lustful glances.”

“Lustful glances?” My head jerked up. I was half-tempted to

bang his head against the counter, but I had spent the entire

morning cleaning up that exact spot where he was leaning. Damn

him.

“Yeah, they look like this.” His heavy-lidded eyes blazed a

hot trail up and down my body as he very thoroughly checked me

out, and then without another word, tucked a piece of fallen hair

behind my ear, and left.

I was still frozen in place when my mom came rushing in.

“Is he still here? Where did he go? Did he talk to you? What was he

like?”

“Mom.” I held up my hands. “Just… don’t.”

She sighed like a teenager and giggled. She’d lost her

freaking mind. “I just love Demetri Daniels, and I don’t believe a

word they say about his rehab or drugs. He’s just a nice boy

who—”

“—is doing community service.” I pointed across the street

and sighed. “He’s…” I couldn’t think of the right word, so I just

shrugged and said, “Cocky.”

Mom, clearly not caring that she was scarring me for life,

sighed and watched Demetri cross the street and grab his bucket

from a large guy with a shaved head. Body guard. It had to be.

Demetri continued singing the stupid taffy song and

dancing around the corner like a drunken chicken. And I grabbed

the rag again and pretended to keep cleaning, while out of the

corner of my eye I watched. I hated that he made me feel warm

inside. I hadn’t had that feeling in two years, and I wasn’t about to

let it get the best of me again. It was all his fault. If Demetri hadn’t

spoken to me that first day, if he had just left everything alone, then

I wouldn’t be stripping him naked with my eyes. I wouldn’t be

longing to touch that perfectly sculpted face. Frustrated, I threw the

rag against the counter and stomped off, leaving my mom to watch

him all by herself.

Chapter Eight

Demetri

Four days. I watched her for four days. What kind of stalker

did that make me? I mean she had the ugliest clothes I’d ever seen.

She was so small, she practically swam in them, and I’m sorry, but

there’s a reason guys don’t dig Uggs. They gave her legs no shape,

and I couldn’t figure out if she had really nice ones or cankles, and

then it pissed me off that I was thinking about cankles in the first

place.

Ever since Tuesday when I ran in to the competition’s store

and tried to find any excuse to talk to her, I’d been out of sorts. Not

the out of sorts that just leaves you when you fall asleep at night.

No, the type that had me eating so much taffy that I was convinced

I was going to have ten cavities by the end of the year.

I shook the bucket, but my heart wasn’t in it, not that it had

ever been truly in it, but still. I felt off. Clearly, I needed another

hobby, or friends, or something, because my behavior was

bordering on stalker-ish. Yesterday I’d even gone in her parents’

taffy store and asked about her schedule.

I swear her mom almost fainted.

When she introduced herself, she almost seemed too eager

to get her daughter into my clutches, which really should have

been my first clue that something was off. I mean, unless they lived

under a rock, they knew exactly what I was about. Spoiled rock star

who nearly killed himself in an accident, troubled past, man-whore

of the century, blah, blah, blah.

I’d pasted on my best smile, careful not to give her mom a

stroke, and asked about Alyssa.

All I found out was what I already knew. She worked every

freaking day, just like me, which just reinforced the conclusion I

had come to earlier.

She was lonely.

I asked her mom about friends.

Again, yes, I’m very much aware how creepy I was being,

but I had Bob, that was it. I was desperate for some sort of

companionship, even if said companion wanted to stab me in the

eye.

After no convincing whatsoever, I discovered that Alyssa

had Saturdays off and didn’t often go out with friends.

I could be her friend.

Lame. Maybe that’s how I should start the conversation.

“Hey, Alyssa, I’ve been watching you for the past four days. You

have a pretty face even though your clothes suck. Wanna hang out?

Oh, and by the way, I’m so bored and strung out about not being

able to get high, that if you say no, I just may kill myself.”

Promising.

Clearly, I’d been out of the game for far too long. I couldn’t

even remember how to talk to a normal person.

I kicked the ground and looked across the street again.

Tomorrow was Saturday. Tomorrow I was going to pursue the first

girl I’d pursued since Nat.

And look how well that turned out.

The familiar pang of rejection hit me square in the chest.

Why was I even putting myself out there when I literally had

nothing to offer, but baggage?

Hell if I knew, but damn if I didn’t still want to try.

Chapter Nine

Alyssa

I woke up to someone pounding on my door. With a grunt I

threw off the covers, stumbled out of my bed, and walked

drunkenly toward my bedroom door, opening it with irritation.

“Hi, friend.” Demetri smiled.

I closed the door in his face.

“Is that any way to treat your friends?” He laughed from the

other side.

Closing my eyes didn’t make the problem go away. I was

still in my Seaside High Track t-shirt and old running shorts. I

looked like a little kid. I glanced in the mirror and cringed. My

brown hair was pointed in every which direction, making me look

possessed, and I had giant bags under my eyes.

“Go away!” I yelled.

Silence and then, “No.”

“Demetri.”

“Alyssa.”

Dang, I should have never told him my name. “How do you

know where I live?”

“I followed you.”

“Seriously?”

His laugh made me want to strangle him. “I’m kidding. It’s

my day off, so I went down to the store to grab my three pieces of

taffy and…”

I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, can I finish telling you why I’m here to your face? It’s

weird talking to a door, even weirder when the door has a Justin

Bieber poster staring at me.”

Crap. I forgot about that stupid poster. Brady had put it

there as a joke when I confided in him that I loved Justin Bieber.

After everything happened, I hadn’t the heart to take it down.

Slowly, I pulled open the door. Should have known Demetri

would push past me and make himself right at home. “No really,

come on in. I wasn’t sleeping or anything on my day off.”

“Good.” He took off his leather jacket, revealing a tight tank

top that showed off tattoos down his right arm and across his

collarbone. I tried to pry my eyes away, but I was tired and clearly

needing more oxygen or something in my room.

“They’re just tattoos, Lyssa.”

“Wow.” I chuckled pulling my hands through my tangled

hair. “Already got a nickname, huh?”

“I like it.” He crossed his arms, making his muscles bulge.

I bit my lip and looked away. “So, the reason for my wake-

up call.”

“Oh, babe.” He chuckled. “You haven’t even seen the

beginning of my wake-up calls.”

“I’m not going to even ask.” I threw on a sweatshirt and sat

on the bed cross-legged. “So, the reason for you being here?”

“You’re a cheerleader?” Demetri pointed at the school

sweatshirt. The same one that had Brady’s old football number

splashed across the front. Just another piece of him I couldn’t give

away. Like everything else in my room that had his scent or touch

on it.

“Um, I was a cheerleader. Yup.” Talking to Demetri was like

herding cats. One minute he was on-topic, and within seconds he

was changing subjects as if it was completely normal to talk about

taffy and tattoos in the same sentence.

His eyes scanned the sweatshirt. I could tell he was trying to

put pieces of a puzzle together. But I wasn’t up for fixing. I liked

the puzzle pieces scattered, so I tried my best to give him a flirty

smile and touched his arm.

“You were saying?” I urged.

His eyes darted immediately to where my hand touched him

and then back up to me. “Taffy. I had three pieces.”

“What flavors?”

He grinned and pulled out the three wrappers for me to

sniff. With a laugh I took them into my hands and smelled each

one. If I didn’t know he was in rehab, I would think he was either

drunk or high the majority of the time.

“Kahlua, Pineapple, and Rum Punch?”

Demetri howled with laughter and began clapping.

“Seriously. Best party trick ever.”

“Clearly you’ve been to all the wrong parties if you think

sniffing candy wrappers is the way to go.” I rolled my eyes.

“Or just the wrong parties in general.” He shrugged, his

smile gone. I wanted it back and I hated that he was making me

care for him.

“So…” I leaned back against the pillows. “You came all the

way to my house to tell me about your three taffy flavors?”

“Sort of.” He lay down next to me — it was almost too

intimate. The last time I lay down with a guy on the bed… I jolted

up and began pacing in front of him.

He lifted his eyebrows in confusion but kept talking

anyway. “I saw your parents and asked where you were. Weird,

but your mom knew exactly who I was.”

I nodded. “Figures. She has a slight obsession with

Entertainment Tonight. ”

He cringed. “You’d think that would make her want to shoot

me.”

“She likes the bad boy.” I smiled. “So? You asked her where

our house was so you could torture me?”

“Torture?” His dimples killed me. “Is that what’s happening

between us?”

Panic swept through me as I felt my face heat under his

seductive smile. He was the devil. Why couldn’t he bother someone

else? Was he truly that desperate? Couldn’t rock stars pay people to

hang out with them? At least he had the luxury of money and the

choice to do whatever he wanted with it.

“Sure feels close.” I huffed, blowing my shorter layers of

hair away from my face. “Anyway, thanks for stopping by, now if

you’ll just…” I pointed to the door.

Demetri didn’t move.

Of course not.

“Nope, I came to find you for a reason, and it wasn’t torture.

Though I’d love nothing more than to bring you so much pleasure

that you scream my name.”

I felt myself blush as I looked away.

“I want us to be friends.”

“Excuse me?” I was in the process of taking off my

sweatshirt, so I could jump in the shower, only it got caught on my

head, making me run into the dresser.

“Friends.” I could feel his warm body inches from mine, his

hands reached up and tugged the sweatshirt off me, leaving me

feeling naked as his eyes boldly scanned my body. “I want to be

your friend.”

The way he said friend reminded me of the way the shark in

Finding Nemo chased Marlin in hopes to be friends not food.

“Friends,” I repeated.

“Friends.” He leaned closer, finally resting his forearm on

the wall above my head.

“I have friends.”

“You said they moved away.”

“So I have one friend.”

“Really?” He looked intrigued.

Crap. I was the worst liar ever. “Yup, I have a friend.”

“What’s your friend’s name?”

My eyes darted to the floor. He even had nice Converse

shoes that seemed expensive, even though I knew they weren’t.

Ugh. “Sally.”

“Sally?” He laughed. “Is she eighty?”

I tilted my chin up. “Nope, and we have plans today.”

“You do?” He wasn’t buying it. His grin seemed to widen as

my lie got bigger.

“Yup, so if you’ll just excuse me. I’m going to be late.”

With a chuckle, he pulled back and went to the door.

“Alright, Lyssa, I’ll give you this one. You know where to find me,

if you need a… friend.”

“No, I don’t.” Crap. The words were out before I could stop

them.

“Oh.” He winked. “How rude of me. Here.” He put a slip of

paper in my hand and kissed my knuckles. “Have fun with Patty.”

“It’s Sally!” I called.

“Right.” His laugh echoed through the house as he left.

My hand was clenched tightly around the slip of paper he

gave me. Unable to stifle my curiosity, I pulled it open and

laughed. It had his cell number, his home number, his agent’s

number, his email, his Facebook and LinkedIn profile, as well as his

address.

Now that was interesting. Mrs. Murray was his neighbor. I’d

always been curious about who owned the gorgeous beach house

next door to hers. Now I knew. At least I lived a few miles away

from him. It was hard enough knowing that we’d been seeing the

same shrink.

I threw the piece of paper in the trash. Impossible. I couldn’t

do it. I couldn’t be his friend. When you were friends with boys, it

never worked. It always turned into something more, and then

when you got really close, the one person you swore you’d give

your everything to, leaves. Clearly, I was still struggling with past

demons.

Emotion welled in my throat. They leave you with nothing,

but sharp jagged pieces of your memories together. Each time I

wore the sweatshirt, it was like another cut. Each time I saw the

Justin Bieber poster, the cut got deeper.

But as long as I was cutting myself emotionally and not

physically… At least I felt pain. At least I knew it was real.

A tear escaped from my eye and dropped to the floor before

I could brush it away.

I glanced back at the trash can.

Muttering a curse, I retrieved the paper. Just in case.

****

I only kind of lied. I mean, I was visiting a friend. That is, if a

friend is an insanely old seal that lives at the Seaside Aquarium.

The staff knew me by name and always had little fish

waiting for me, so I could feed the seals. It was what I did on my

day off, another one of my ways to remember the pain. Brady had

loved seals. I always thought they were stupid. I mean, who claps

when they eat food?

But one day, Brady pointed out to me that I did exactly that.

If I ate something that was really good or that made me happy, I’d

clap my hands. He’d roll with laughter. Thus, my new nickname

became Little Seal.

It was typical for us to visit the aquarium on the weekdays

when it wasn’t that busy, and then a few months before the

accident, he got a job there.

I was there every day.

Old habits die hard.

“Hey, Alyssa!” Sam was already standing by the seals,

throwing them their morning meal. He graduated a few years

before me and was close to Brady, like really close — they were

brothers. He was one of the few people who stayed behind after

graduation. Consequently, he healed just fine after the accident.

Apparently boys aren’t as emotional as girls. He put everything

into his studies and sports, and after a while, we just stopped

talking, unless I stopped by to feed the seals. Honestly, it was just

too hard being near him. It reminded me of everything I lost that

day. Recently we’d fallen into a sort of routine. I think he felt

responsible for me somehow, which was ridiculous. He gave me

the fish, I fed the fish to the seal, we made small talk, and he gave

me a hug.

So, sadly we talked once a day about things that didn’t even

matter, and never about Brady. Saying his name out loud was

something I never did. It hurt too much.

“How’s work?” Sam threw another fish and politely handed

me the bucket so I could join in.

I shrugged. “Well, I figure I’m a few taffy pieces away from

curing world hunger, so that’s good.”

“Awesome.” He chuckled. “I know you’ve been working on

that one like your whole life. Great accomplishment.”

“Yes, I hope to cure cancer next.”

“My, my, you’re driven.”

I laughed and threw another fish toward my favorite seal.

Sally swam up next to me and splashed water near my face.

“So, rumor has it that one of the famous AD2 members has

kind of a thing for you.”

“Rumors suck,” I grumbled, patting the water next to Sally.

“He’s bad news, Alyssa.”

I froze for a minute then shook my head in denial.

“Nothing’s going on.”

“Okay.” Sam put up his hands. “I just wanted to warn you,

that’s all. I know you probably don’t know what happened last

year, since you were basically MIA all year and stuff…” He just

waved his hand in the air. “But he was dating that girl Nat Murray

for like a few months, then the brother started dating her. I still

don’t know what happened, but he nearly overdosed on drugs and

killed himself.”

Well, I wasn’t expecting that, but it gave me another good

reason to reject Demetri’s friendship. Surrounding myself with a

guy like that would do nothing but get me into trouble.

“I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to people talking about me. I

mean, I’m famous, but still…” a deep voice said from behind us.

I swallowed the dryness in my throat. My eyes flickered

between Sam and Demetri. “What are you doing here?”

“I like fish.”

“They’re seals.”

“Damn, the pamphlet said aquarium. You understand my

confusion.” He winked.

Sam stood in front of me.

“You must be Sally.” Demetri held out his hand.

Laughter bubbled out of me before I could stop it. I put my

hand over my mouth; it smelled like fish, but I didn’t care. The look

on Sam’s face was priceless.

“No.” Sam swallowed and stepped farther in front of me.

“That is Sally.” He pointed to the seal, which chose that exact time

to splash all three of us.

Demetri’s clothes were drenched. His tank top was suddenly

molded across his perfect abs. I fought to keep my jaw from

dropping. No guy just out of high school should have that nice of

body. Everything told me to avert my eyes, but like an idiot, I just

kept staring.

“I think Sally’s upset,” Demetri finally said, wiping his face.

“Must be the company.” Sam sneered.

Demetri smirked. “I like your friends, Lyssa.”

“We’re not —” I stopped talking, because to say I wasn’t

Sam’s friend would be hurtful. But friends didn’t give up on you,

and Sam had. Sally, however, was a completely different story.

“To be clear, I meant the seal,” Demetri said, saving me.

“Can I feed her?”

“Sure.” I grabbed the bucket from Sam’s clenched fingers

and handed it to Demetri. “Just don’t let her bite you.”

He grabbed a few fish and tossed them to Sally. Demetri’s

rich laughter was like water to a marathon runner. It was

intoxicating, beautiful, deep. I took a step away from him. “So, still

stalking me I see.”

“Not at all.” He shook his head and grabbed another fish.

Sam stood on the other side of him, brooding. “I was bored, and

since my friend wouldn’t come hang out with me, I decided to do

the only touristy thing I could find in this town.”

“Taffy. Why don’t you check out the taffy?” Sam offered,

obviously trying to get rid of him.

“Ah, now there’s a fun story. I work at Seaside Taffy.”

Demetri shrugged. “So, it’s not very touristy for me anymore.”

“You?” Sam sputtered. “Work?”

“I sing the jingle. Wanna hear it?” Demetri looked dead

serious. I laughed again. Why the heck was he being nice to Sam,

when Sam was being a genuine ass?

Sam nodded his head. “If it makes you leave, I’ll hear it.”

“No such luck, friend.” He jumped down from the concrete

step and went to wash his hands. “I’ll leave on my own. I don’t

need to sing in order to gain permission to do so.” He winked at

me. “Pleasure seeing you again, Lyssa, and Sam, nice meeting you.

We should hang out sometime. I’m gonna go into the aquarium.

You know since I paid to see fish and all.” With a grin he walked

off.

Sam and I stood in silence.

“He’s, uhh…” Sam scratched his head.

“Not nearly as hostile as you,” I pointed out.

“I was being protective.” Sam’s eyes flashed as he grabbed

my hand and pulled me close to his body. He’d never acted like

this before, and I didn’t like it. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Since when did I nominate you as my protector?” I jerked

away.

He glared. “You didn’t. But I’m sure it’s what Brady would

have wanted. After all, I’ve been protecting both of you for years

now. And now he comes into the picture?”

I tried to pull away, but Sam’s grip tightened. “What would

Brady think, Lyss?”

“I have to go.” I threw the bucket down and ran into the

aquarium. I wasn’t sure why I was running toward Demetri, but I

was frantic.

Chapter Ten

Demetri

So, I officially looked like some creepy stalker. Really, it was

a first for me. I mean, I liked Alyssa, but not enough to actually

stalk her every waking move. She must think I’m a total and

complete lunatic. I wouldn’t blame her if she burned my numbers

tonight in a trash can and cast a spell over the fire to render me

unconscious.

I tapped the pamphlet against my leg as I walked slowly

around the darkened aquarium. It wasn’t very impressive for being

the one tourist attraction. In fact, it was quite small. But the seals

were kind of cool, and they did let you touch a lot of the animals.

The five-year-old inside of me was pumping his fist in the air when

they said it was okay to touch the octopus.

I sighed and walked by the miniature sharks, or whatever

the heck they were called. My thoughts took me back to meeting

the guy Alyssa had been with. Was he a boyfriend? Maybe I read

her all wrong. She didn’t seem to appreciate his protective stance.

But even I had to admit he was some serious competition in

the looks department. Obviously I needed to be lifting more and

stop being so lazy after work.

“Demetri?” I heard my name, and then a body ran into me

so fast I nearly fell into the glass aquarium, to release the tiny shark

to feed on every human in its wake.

“Lyssa? What’s wrong?”

Her face was flushed, her nostrils flared. Was she crying?

I leaned in closer. She backed up as if scared. “I, uh, I’m

scared of sharks.”

“It’s in a glass cage.” I pointed out.

“You nearly broke it.”

“Because you ran into me.”

“Do you want to hang out or not?” she huffed.

What. The. Hell.

Something was up. But at least counseling had taught me

one thing: when girls were upset, you didn’t make things worse by

forcing them to talk about it, and then you didn’t try to fix

everything and give them a slap on the back when they were done.

So I nodded my head and grabbed her hand. She didn’t pull

away. Thrilled that she actually let me hold her hand, I led her out

of the aquarium straight by Sam, who looked like he was getting

ready to sic Sally on me.

I was never one for drama with other dudes.

Maybe it was because I always won, except when it came to

my brother. Hence the need for drugs in the first place. I wonder

what that said about my personality? Rejection leads me down a

path of destruction? Awesome. At any rate, my motto had always

been that when women someday take over the world, I’m going to

need all the testosterone on my side that I can get. It was never wise

to make enemies with those who’d protect your manhood when a

girl wanted to take a machete to you.

“So where to?” I asked once we were out in the warm salty

air.

Alyssa looked down the boardwalk. “Wanna go for a

swim?”

“Do you have wetsuits?” Last year I tried to get Nat to swim

with me in the ocean and nearly froze my toes off. She thought it

was hilarious. I wanted to die and was pretty sure my voice, as well

as other parts of my body, didn’t return to normal for hours.

“Yup, follow me.” She led me down a few steps, then

walked into a surf shop. “I need an extra large and an extra small.”

“The extra large is for me.” I winked at the lady behind the

desk. She blushed.

Alyssa hit me. “Pretty sure that’s obvious, Dem.”

“Aw.” I tilted my head to the side. “I have a nickname too!”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it kind of sounds like damn,

which means to go hell. I thought it fit.”

God, she was beautiful when she was feisty. “You care.”

“I don’t care.”

“Admit it, you kind of do.”

Our argument was interrupted by the sales lady. I insisted

on paying for the rentals.

Alyssa pointed out the dressing rooms, and I ran in to

change.

Extra large was not large enough.

Not by any stretch of the imagination.

Who did they make these things for? Fifth graders?

I cleared my throat a few times and tried to give the boys

some room. Hopefully, I’d still be able to reproduce after this little

adventure.

I felt myself flush when I emerged from the dressing room.

Alyssa had put her hair back and looked like a goddess. Trying not

to kiss her today was probably going to be the hardest thing I’d

ever done. Even harder than giving up drugs. Hell, she was like a

drug. I just wanted to be around her all the time.

“Ready?” She bit her lip and crossed her arms. Her eyes

scanned me with amusement. “A little tight?”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Let’s go.” I put my arm around her and led her out of the

store.

****

The water was just as cold as I remembered, but it was at

least eighty-five out, so at least the air was warm.

“You ever use a skimboard before?” Alyssa called out to me.

“No, but I surf. I think I’ll be okay.”

She shrugged.

I was not okay.

I fell on my ass at least twenty times while she skimmed by

me like a pro.

“It’s the wet suit!” I shouted as I fell for the hundredth time.

“Sure it is!” She called to me as she yet again completed

another perfect skim across the waves.

I gave up and lay down against the sand, letting the cold

water run over me. Maybe if I pretended to need CPR she would

have pity.

“What are you doing?” Her body cast a shadow over me,

stealing my warmth.

“I’m cold. Hungry. I suck. Take me home,” I whined, though

I would rather lie here all day with her than go home.

“You’re cold because you’re sitting there like a beached

whale. You’re tired because you keep falling, and you’re hungry

because we skipped lunch.”

“I like your deduction skills.”

She put her hands on her hips. “I like that you know how to

use a word like deduction.”

I propped myself up on my elbows. “I did graduate from

high school, you know.”

She patted my hand. Awesome.

“So you want to quit? I mean, you were the one that was

banging down my door early this morning begging me to be your

friend…”

“I didn’t beg. Rock stars never beg.”

“You must be really lonely if you want me for company.”

Alyssa blushed and looked away licking her dry lips.

“I’ve been watching you.”

Shit. That came out wrong.

Her horrified glance told me I needed to make it better and

fast. “I’ve seen you a few times around town and, honestly, ever

since you yelled at me, I kinda realized something about myself.”

“Oh yeah?”

I nodded. “I like being yelled at. I like being held

accountable. I thought, you know, since you have magic taffy

powers, you could probably handle all my shit just as good as

anyone.”

She sighed heavily. “I’m not so sure about that.” Without

hesitation she jumped to her feet and attempted to dust the wet

sand from her body. “Look, maybe this was a bad idea. I mean,

can’t you just pay people to be your friends?”

“Do normal people do that?” I asked, incredulous.

She grinned, nearly blinding me with the way her face lit up.

“No, not normal, but you aren’t really normal.”

“I prefer abnormally awesome.”

“Okay, abnormally awesome person I can’t get rid of…

What’s the verdict? We going to quit and walk away friendless, or

are you going to get your ass in the water and make me proud?”

I hung my head and cursed. “I’m not a quitter, but you need

to at least show me how to do this. I feel like a four-year-old

watching an Olympian.”

“Deal.” She held out her hand to help me up.

The next hour went way better than the first. I was actually

starting to get the hang of it when a huge wave rolled in. I missed it

and jumped off the board. Alyssa was facing me, a huge grin on her

face. The tide had started to come in, so the water was up past her

waist. Either she didn’t see the giant wave heading for her, or she

was going to go for it. At my alarmed look she must have known

something was up; she turned around just in time for the wave to

crash onto her.

I tried running toward her, but the wave crashed on top of

me. I spit out the sea water and swam to where I thought I saw her

fall. My eyes burned as I dove into the water. I saw a flicker of

something dark. I reached out and touched it. The wetsuit.

With a curse, I pulled her to the surface. She wasn’t moving.

I knew we were close to rocks, but not that close.

My muscles burned as I swam for a few feet then carried her

to the shore and put her onto the sand.

“Alyssa?” Frantic, I put my head against her chest listening

for any sort of breathing. No sound.

I unzipped her wetsuit and began CPR, breathing into her

mouth. I was so freaked out I wasn’t even counting the

compressions, just singing the stupid song they taught everyone to

sing when learning First Aid.

“Come on, baby, come on.” I breathed in to her mouth again.

A large red gash was bleeding from the top of her head. I needed to

get help.

Just as I was getting ready to jump up and attack an old man

who just happened by. She coughed up water.

I dropped to my knees next to her and rubbed her back as

she coughed the sea water near my legs. Her lips were turning

blue. I pulled her into my lap and pulled down the rest of her wet

suit and covered her with the towel we’d brought out. I knew she

was probably just in her bra and underwear, but she needed heat. It

was warm outside, but Oregon water was frigid.

My skin sizzled as it made contact with hers. I wrapped my

arms around her tightly and began running my hands fast over her

arms.

“You scared the hell out of me.” My voice wavered.

“Sorry.” She croaked. “I didn’t see the wave.”

“No shit.”

She laughed and looked up at me. “I promise it wasn’t part

of the plan.”

“Plan?” I didn’t like that her teeth were still chattering.

“To drown so you’d give me CPR.”

“Oh, right.” I tucked her head under my chin. “Actually,

you kind of stole my plan.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Maybe I’ll let you save me tomorrow.” My hands

froze on her arms as the reality of what I just said hit me. Was that

what I was doing? Using her to save myself? No. I wasn’t using

her, but I wanted her. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted

another girl.

It had been year since I’d felt even close to this way about

someone. The last time I did feel this way, she betrayed me and

then died.

Talk about a poor track record.

I sighed and continued moving my hands over her arms.

“So you and Nat?” Alyssa whispered, her voice still sounded

hoarse.

“Wow, news does travel fast in this town. To be fair, she was

actually on the news with me for like an entire year.”

“Remember, I don’t watch TV.”

“I thought you said you didn’t have TV.”

“I lied.”

It was torture trying to keep my eyes from looking down at

her chest, as her breathing slowly came back to normal. I clenched

my teeth and looked away.

“What do you want to know?”

“You guys dated?”

“Yup.”

“What happened?”

“Lots happened.” I swallowed. It wasn’t that I wasn’t over

Nat. I just had a hard time talking about my own stupidity to a girl

I was trying to impress, and I knew that if I told her the whole sob

story she’d run away screaming. I mean, I was a complete prick to

my brother and to her. I didn’t want Alyssa thinking that I was the

same guy anymore. Because I wasn’t.

“It’s a long story. I’m happy for her, though, we’re still really

close.”

“That’s it?” She pushed away from me and shivered.

I cursed and pulled her close again. “Tell you what. A secret

for a secret.”

“W-what?”

“You heard me.” I reached down and tilted her chin up. “If I

tell you something that’s hard for me to discuss, then you need to

tell me something that’s hard for you. That way we’ll be even.”

Alyssa tried to pull her chin away. I wouldn’t let her.

She glared.

I smiled.

We were like fire and ice, and I loved it.

I could tell she was getting uncomfortable, because she

refused to look at me; instead she bit her lip. “I’ll try.”

“Good.” I released her chin, but she didn’t move to the

position she was in before. Instead, she leaned forward.

Alyssa’s lips were parted just slightly. Now that the panic

was over, I remembered what they felt like to touch. Just one kiss.

What girl freaks out over one kiss?

I cupped her face and touched my lips to hers, just barely. I

didn’t want to scare her, and I didn’t want the kiss to be one of

those kisses that happen after a near-death experience.

Her mouth was warm and inviting; it tasted like the ocean. I

had never been one for good self-control. I used my tongue to part

her lips, just a bit. I wanted to taste more.

She stiffened, and then opened her mouth.

I took full advantage.

My arms went around her waist, pulling her tighter against

me. In the back of my mind I remembered that my wetsuit was too

tight for me to be in any state of arousal, but I didn’t care.

Trouble. She was absolute trouble. Clearly she had no idea

how good of a kisser she was. As her tongue tangled with mine, her

cold hands came up to cup my face. I allowed myself to completely

lose control. Never had I ever felt the need to be so vulnerable with

another human being.

It scared the hell out of me.

I pulled back.

Her face was flushed, her lips swollen. I wished in that

moment I could convey to her how beautiful she was to me, how

wanted she was, how treasured she was. I wanted to lay claim to

her, but at the same time just hold her hand. I wanted to sleep with

her, but at the same time, the idea was almost repulsive. She

deserved more than what I knew I was capable of giving.

But it didn’t keep me from wanting to give it to her.

To give her everything.

I sighed. “You’re a good friend.” And insert nail into

relationship coffin here.

I wrapped my arms around her and picked her up, not

allowing her to say any sarcastic remark back. My lips found hers

again as I twirled her around.

After a few minutes I pulled away and placed her on her

feet. “Can you walk?”

“After the kiss or after my near drowning?” She lifted an

eyebrow.

“Oh, I totally forgot you almost died. I was just thinking

about the kiss,” I teased.

Her eyes widened and then a horrified look flashed across

her face. She jumped away from me, jerking up her wetsuit.

Without saying anything she took off toward the boardwalk.

“Lyss, wait up.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“What? Lyss, what happened?” I grabbed her wrist to try to

get her to stop.

“This was a mistake. We can’t be friends, Demetri. It won’t

work.”

“I agree.” I cursed. “I want to be so much more than that.”

What the hell was I doing? I’d known her a total of two

weeks, and that didn’t really count, considering I’d been stalking

her! Drugs. I needed drugs, not a girlfriend!

Alyssa licked her lips and looked away. “I don’t know if I

can handle it.”

“And I can?”

She looked at me. I mean, really looked, as if she could see to

the depths of my soul. “We’re screwed up, you and me.”

“Don’t I know it.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “But

what if that’s what makes us perfect for each other?”

“What if you take the one part of me that’s finally started to

breathe without crying?”

Her honesty shocked me. I didn’t have any words to give

her. I didn’t think one mind-blowing kiss would cause us to get this

serious.

“Slow.” I reached out to her, grazing her arm with my hand.

“Let’s go slow, because I really need a friend right now.”

“So it’s about you?” Her eyes crinkled as if she was trying

not to smile.

“Always is. I am a celebrity you know.”

“Right.” She laughed and kicked some sand with her foot.

“We should get cleaned up.”

“Dinner.” I blurted before I could retract the statement and

punch myself in the face. “Let me cook you dinner.”

“Are you good?”

Confused that she would ask such a silly question I laughed.

“I’m good at everything. Yeah, I can handle dinner.”

Alyssa didn’t look convinced.

“Please?” I was ready to get on my hands and knees. She

was the first person since Cassie who had made me feel things I

thought I didn’t possess anymore.

With a huff she kicked more sand. “Fine, but no kissing.”

“I can’t promise that I won’t kiss you.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“Fine, I promise I won’t kiss you unless you ask me to.”

“Confident.” She arched an eyebrow and laughed.

I didn’t really know what to say to that, so instead I leveled

my gaze in a challenge. “I’ll see you at seven.”

“But I don’t know where you live.”

“The piece of paper you probably threw in the trash — my

address is on that.”

“It’s trash day. It’s already gone.”

I sighed. “Do you really want to play this game? You know

you dug it back out, minutes after you tossed it. So see you at

seven.”

My self-control completely shot, so I left before I mauled her

on the beach and had my way with her.

Chapter Eleven

Alyssa

I knocked on the door and cursed myself for being so

nervous. It was Demetri. Annoying, irritating, gorgeous Demetri. I

had wanted him to kiss me, but after the kiss I felt naked. As if he

had pulled down walls I had worked so hard to put up. The part

that scared me the most was that for a moment I forgot all about

Brady, all about everything.

I lost my pain, and it scared me more than I was willing to

admit. I wanted to keep Brady’s memory alive. It was my job, after

all. I wasn’t able to do it in the physical sense, so in the emotional

sense was all I had.

And then Demetri had said something about death and I

freaked. I completely panicked. A vision flashed through my mind

of Demetri and me driving and him dying. I knew he was reckless,

knew he used to have a drug addiction. Chances were higher with

Demetri than any other boy that he would either break my heart or

die from some sort of stupid choice. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to

stay away from him.

I even dug out some of my nicer clothes. I hadn’t really put

an effort into dressing since Brady left, mainly because most of my

clothes held memories of him. It felt like I was cheating when I

wore them without him there. Well, except the sweatshirt.

My mom finally made me wash it after six months.

I sighed and looked down. I was wearing torn jeans, an

oversized black band t-shirt, and flip flops. I knew I looked at least

trendy compared to the oversized sweater and Uggs I’d been

sporting.

I lifted my hand to knock, when the door swung open.

“Right on time.” Demetri opened the screen door and pulled

me into a warm hug. He smelled like spaghetti. I smiled, unable to

help the way he was able to so completely disarm me.

“Punctuality. It’s my thing.” I gulped and walked into the

house. His hands came down on my shoulders.

“Wanna know what my thing is?”

I gulped. “Cooking? Drugs? Music? Fish?”

His hands slid down my arms, sending chills all the way

down to my toes. “Wow. I sound really lame. Is that all you could

come up with?” He chuckled.

Why hadn’t his hands moved? Why was I letting him pull

me back against his firm chest?

“Girls with brown hair,” he murmured into my hair. “Short

ones.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Anyway.” He released me and walked around, leading me

down the hallway. “Here’s the kitchen. Dinner’s almost ready.

Would have been done sooner, but somebody burnt the noodles.”

“You burnt the noodles, I take it?” I grabbed a bar stool and

sat down.

“No. Mr. Concentration over there.” He nodded toward the

couch where a large man was sitting with a grimace on his face.

Holy crap. I’d only seen the guy from far away. Up close he looked

like a hit man, like the type of guy you pay to off drug dealers.

Wait, maybe he was a drug dealer?

I pushed my hair behind my ear and swallowed nervously.

“Bob!” Demetri yelled his name like a curse. “Didn’t think it

would be important to tell me that he’d never cooked noodles

before.”

“How does one burn noodles?” I directed my attention to

Bob, who stood up and made his way over to the kitchen. His face

betrayed his lack of amusement as his eyebrows drew together.

“Hmph.” He grabbed a soda out of the fridge and gave

Demetri another glare before stopping in front of me. “I’m Bob, Mr.

Daniels’ security guard.”

“Oh.” I laughed. “I thought you were a drug dealer or some

sort of crazy parole officer.”

His mouth cracked into a tiny smile before he turned back

around and made some sort of animal sound as he settled on the

couch.

“You’ll have to excuse Bob,” Demetri said, his back to me as

he cooked some sauce on the stove. “Ever since I’ve been clean, I’ve

been driving him crazy. He has to go to the taffy store with me

every day. I think he’s gained ten pounds.”

“Which begs the question.” I turned toward Bob and smiled.

“How much taffy does one have to eat in order to gain ten

pounds?”

“Ooo, a story problem.” Demetri threw his free hand into

the air. “Love those! Here, let me figure it out. Bob how much do

you weigh?”

Silence.

“Bob, stop ignoring me.”

Silence again.

“Bob!” This time Demetri yelled his name so loud, I almost

covered my ears. “I’ll let you watch TV by yourself tonight.”

“Three hundred and five,” came Bob’s swift reply.

Demetri turned toward me and shook his head. “It’s almost

too easy, poor guy.” He wiped his hands on a towel and leaned

forward against the counter, making eye contact with me. My

stomach flipped.

“If Bob tries five pieces of candy a day, and each piece of

candy weighs roughly two ounces and…” His eyes glazed over,

and his head moved, nearly touching my lips. “Are you wearing

makeup?”

“I, ugh.” I ducked behind my hands and covered my face.

“No, no don’t.” Demetri ran around the side of the breakfast

bar and pulled me into a hug. I still tried to cover my face. “Lyss,

let me see you.”

I shook my head. Why had I tried to look good today? I felt

so stupid. Was I really doing my makeup and hair for him now?

“Lyss.” Demetri’s voice rumbled. “Take your hands away

before I kiss you in front of Bob and start taking your clothes off.”

I yelped and pulled my hands away from my face. He

leaned in and kissed me anyway.

“Sorry, couldn’t help it.” He grinned and ran his thumb

down the side of my jaw. “God, you’re beautiful.”

What’s a girl to say to that?

Demetri seemed mesmerized as he tilted his head and

examined my face, turning my chin this way and that, and then he

ran his fingers through my hair. “Does it always feel like this?”

“Like what?” I was breathless.

“Silk.” He exhaled and threaded it between his fingers

before closing his eyes and smelling my hair. “I think you’re trying

to kill me.”

“By washing my hair?” I croaked.

“By being too damn perfect.” With a curse he released me,

and the happy smile plastered itself comfortably back on his face.

Demetri grabbed a few plates.

“Time to eat.”

Abrupt subject change, but okay. I was uncomfortable with

his attention anyway. Nobody had called me pretty since the day

Brady died.

It was getting harder and harder to remember the way his

face looked when he pulled the truck over and kissed me hard on

the mouth.

“You’re perfect, little seal, so perfect.” His tongue trailed down my

neck. Giggling, I pushed him away.

“Brady! We’re going to be late for the game! Come on, we need to

go.”

“Sorry.” He smiled unapologetically. “Okay, fine, I’m not sorry,

but everyone’s going to be late, girl. Look at this weather.”

The rain was coming down in sheets, which was typical for

Seaside. We had been on our way to Lincoln City for the weekend football

game, in which, of course, Brady was starting quarterback.

I clenched his hand and sighed. Life was perfect. I had the perfect

boyfriend. He was getting a full ride to Boise State next fall, where he’d

start as their quarterback. Nobody could understand why he would choose

such a small state school. But I loved Brady for it. He wanted to be close to

family and knew the importance of being part of a football team that was

about the team and the game more than the stars. And Boise State was

that team. I admired him so much.

“I love you.” I had said it without thinking.

Brady put the car into drive, but before he pulled out he turned

toward me. “Good, because we’re getting married.”

“Um, I’m sixteen,” I pointed out laughing.

He grinned then reached over for another kiss. “I’ll wait.”

I bit my lip and looked away, totally fighting the urge to clap my

hands and shout from the window that I loved the most amazing guy in

the world.

“We should go.” He winked and pulled out into traffic.

Then everything went black.

“Lyss? Are you okay?”

I shook my head. I hated it when I daydreamed like that.

Well, technically it wasn’t a daydream, it was a nightmare. But still.

I tried to smile even though my throat felt like it was closing up.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” My lower lip quivered.

A hot plate of food sat in front of me. Demetri was to my

left. “You know what?” He pushed his food away. “I’m not that

hungry yet, why don’t we take a walk on the beach?”

I nodded. I don’t know how he knew it, but I needed to get

out of that house. I needed to breathe in more air. I needed to feel

the salty wind against my face.

Demetri gripped my hand and pulled me through the house.

Our entire walk to the beach was silent.

Once we reached the water, Demetri spoke. “Want to talk

about it?”

I shook my head.

“That bad?” He put his arm around me. I tucked my head

into his shoulder and nodded. I couldn’t trust myself to speak.

“I wish I could do more than say I’m sorry, Lyss. But know

that I am. I don’t know what just happened back there, but you

looked like you saw a ghost. If I was smart like Dr. Murray, I’d say

you need to bleed your feelings all over the place, but shit…” His

arm tightened. “I’m not a doctor, and I know that it hurts like hell

when you’re going through something that no one else

understands.”

I snorted, typical response. “Really, Demetri?” I pulled away

from him and stared hard. He had the world at his feet! He was

beautiful, gorgeous — everything a girl could want. He had money,

he had fame, he had it all. I didn’t, and he was going to sit here and

tell me that he knew?

“You know nothing.” I bit off. “You’re just some spoiled

rock star who can’t handle the pressure of life. You escape through

alcohol and drugs and if what everyone says is true, you tried to

kill yourself. Yeah, you’re right. You know exactly what it’s like to

feel loss.”

Demetri took a step back, hurt etched across his face. “So

that’s it? You’re going to put me in that category? Write me off like

everyone else in town?”

I sighed. “Look, Demetri, I’m not trying to say your pain

isn’t real, but it’s self-inflicted. All of it.”

Demetri’s eyes closed. He ran his hands through his hair and

cursed. I hated hurting him, but maybe it was better this way. We

were from different worlds. He didn’t know pain like I knew pain.

There was no way.

“Fine.” His voice was hollow. “Let’s just go eat.” He

motioned for me to follow him back to the house and started

walking in that direction, but I backed up and shook my head.

“Lyss?”

It would be too easy, so easy to walk into his arms and cry.

To let him kiss my tears away and promise to be the one solid thing

in my life.

But I knew the ending to that tale.

The guy didn’t end up riding in on a white horse. No, he left

the world in a dark hole — never to rescue the fair damsel again. I

wouldn’t allow myself to get close enough to feel that kind of pain

again. My heart was already in pieces, and if Demetri put them

back together again, I would always be fearful of it shattering into a

million jagged pieces.

“Lyss, come on. I promise we won’t even talk. Let’s just go

eat.” His eyes pleaded with mine. I shook my head again.

“It’s better this way.” I bit my lip. “You’ll see.”

“Will I?” He shoved his hands in his pocket. “Think

whatever you want of me, Lyss. But know, when I said I was your

friend, I meant it. If you ever need me… for anything, you know

where I am.”

I almost ran to him, but I told my feet to stay planted.

He walked a few steps then stopped and turned. “I won’t

stop trying.”

“You should.”

He shrugged and offered a small smile. “What can I say? I’m

a glutton for punishment, and you’re the first real friend I’ve ever

had.”

My heart was beating out of my chest. Why was he being so

nice? And why, after hanging out one time, was he suddenly

offering his shoulder for me to sob on? I didn’t need him — not

now, not ever. Sharing hurt too bad, and I would rather die and

join Brady in the cold hard ground than open up to someone who

had the potential to hurt me as much as Demetri did.

He pressed his lips together and sighed. “Look. I can tell you

I’ve changed. I can spout crazy nonsense about how I feel different

about you than I have any other girl. Hell, I’ve given that speech

more times than I’m proud of. But I’m being honest here. I don’t

know what type of crap you’ve got going on, and maybe you’re

right, maybe I won’t understand. But take it from someone who

knows. That shit will destroy you.” He swallowed and looked at

the crashing waves before nodding his head. “I’m not going to

push you. I’m not going to beg. Just know that I’ve changed. I’m

not the man I used to be, I never want to be that guy again. I like

you. I want to kiss you. Hell, I want to watch you eat spaghetti.

Does that make me crazy? Probably. When you’re ready, if you

ever are… you know where to find me. Night, Lyss.”

With that he walked off.

And I realized in that moment I was wrong about so many

things. Because as the waves crashed against the sand, as I dug my

nails into my hands, one truth kept screaming at me from

somewhere I thought long dead.

He already had a piece of my heart.

And I was powerless to stop him.

Chapter Twelve

Demetri

“So. Did you think about it?” Mrs. Murray was chewing her

gum wildly behind her notepad. Ever so often I would hear her

swallow and then pop the gum. I think I made her stressed when I

was in one of my moods.

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes. I was so damn confused. It seemed

no matter how careful I thought I was around Alyssa, she was

always running off. Or getting that weird look on her face. Like she

wasn’t even present, but somewhere else entirely.

“What’s her story?” The first thing I asked when I plopped

down on the floor the next week for my counseling session.

Mrs. Murray had smiled. “I can’t tell you that.”

And we had sat in silence for the last ten minutes, until

finally, she mentioned being the group facilitator again for group

therapy.

“I don’t know.” I pulled the toothpick out of my mouth and

sighed. “I still don’t know if I’d do a good job.”

“What if I told you a certain girl was going to be attending

the first session?”

My head snapped up to attention. “Alyssa?”

Mrs. Murray rolled her eyes. “Yes, but remember, during

session times she’s off limits. Besides…” She took a deep breath.

“There’s a lot about her that you don’t know.”

“Tell me about it,” I mumbled. She’d been ignoring my

phone calls all weekend. When I stopped by her parents’ store they

always had some sort of lame excuse or said she was using the

bathroom.

Either the girl had some serious bathroom issues, or she was

gone. Either way, I was persistent.

This afternoon I even stopped by before my session. I knew

she was working, but when I went into the store, all she did was

hand me three pieces of taffy and began helping another customer.

I took the taffy and walked out.

They were burning a hole in my pocket, but she had taken

the joy from that stupid habit. I had resorted to chewing the hell

out of toothpicks and eating lollipops like it was my job. I needed

something in my mouth, and I knew if I stopped eating candy or

sucking on things, I would revert back to old habits, especially with

the stress of Alyssa on my chest.

“When’s the first session?” I asked, twiddling the toothpick

between my fingers.

“Tomorrow night.”

“What do I say?”

Mrs. Murray smiled and handed me a packet. “Everything’s

in here. You’ll do great, I promise.”

“What if I would have said no?” I took the packet from her

hands.

Mrs. Murray shrugged. “Let’s just say I know you better

than you know yourself.”

“And that’s not a creepy thing for a shrink to say…”

I scratched my head and opened up the packet. Worksheets

tumbled out, as well as nametags for the members to fill out. It

reminded me of my AA group info I used to take back home a

while back.

“Trial run?” I pleaded, giving her my best smile, making

sure to remove the toothpick so the full force of my dimples was

present.

She arched an eyebrow and shook her head. “Nope. You

either commit now or I find someone else.”

Damn the woman drove a hard bargain. “Fine.” I cursed.

“But no autographs, no picture taking, and I swear I’ll sue the first

person who says anything about my personal life.”

“Easy.” Mrs. Murray pulled out another piece of paper.

“Every member has to sign a gag order. If they talk about you or

each other, they’ll be liable.”

“Good.” I took the paper and thrust it in the folder with the

rest of my papers.

“Ten minutes,” Mrs. Murray reminded me. “But you can

leave early if you like, take some time to go over the information.”

I didn’t want to admit that I was waiting for Alyssa. But

Mrs. Murray had her Jedi mind tricks. “She switched session times,

Demetri.”

I laughed bitterly and clamped down on the toothpick.

“Right.”

Mrs. Murray stood, meaning it was my cue to leave. I took

the papers and put them under my arm.

“Demetri?”

I stopped and turned around.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re good for her.”

I licked my lips and looked down at the ground. “Nah, I’m

probably not good for anyone, but I wanted to be good for her. I

wanted it really bad.”

“You still can be.” Mrs. Murray placed her hand on my

shoulder.

I shook my head. “You can lead a horse to water, Doc…”

She tilted her head in agreement, and I left.

****

By the time Saturday night came around, I was a nervous

wreck. I read through some of the profiles of the group members,

mainly just information on their ages and stuff. But there was a

picture next to each name, and that stupid picture made me

nervous as hell. It meant I had to talk to a person about things I

hated talking about.

What if nobody showed?

What if nobody cared?

Or worse, what if they just came to make fun of me? I had

nothing to offer them.

I pulled the lollipop out of my mouth and focused on the

door, willing people to come in. Mrs. Murray had decided to have

me host the group meeting at my house instead of hers. She

thought it would feel less professional.

I looked around at the modern furniture and expensive

touches. Well, it felt less something.

Throwing up was not an option, but my stomach kept doing

flips.

I put the sucker back in my mouth and focused on the

watermelon flavor as it trickled down my tongue.

The doorbell rang. I nearly dropped my sucker.

This was it.

I walked to the door and opened it.

A man, who seriously could have been Bob’s twin, walked

in. Tattooed sleeves covered both his arms. He wore a beanie and

looked like it would bring him the greatest pleasure to end my life.

“Hi.” I choked, nearly dropping my sucker again. “I’m

Demetri.”

The girl at his side sighed and leaned against him.

“Holly,” the guy grumbled and pulled her flush against him.

They looked like they were about the same age as I. I opened the

door farther. The guy grunted and pushed his way in.

“Make yourselves at home,” I grumbled.

I was just about to make a run for it when another voice

said, “Hi.”

I turned toward the door. The guy from the aquarium stared

at me like he wanted to kill me as well. Perfect. I was going to

witness my own murder in my house. Awesome. Thanks, Mrs.

Murray. Not what I had in mind, but thanks. At least it will be

quick by the looks of the other guy I just let in.

“Sam.” I cleared my throat and stepped aside, letting him in.

“Thanks, Demetri.” Was he mocking me? Because it

sounded like he was. I clenched my fist.

“No, problem, man. Grab a soda or snack or whatever. I left

stuff out. I mean, you don’t have to eat, but if you’re hungry…” I

bit my lip and cursed. “Never mind. Just…” I waved into the air.

Maybe the big dude would kill me early. One could only hope.

Laughter erupted from the living room the minute Sam

stepped in. How was I supposed to facilitate a group about grief

when every single member hated me or wanted to stab me with the

closest pointy object?

I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall.

“Hey,” a familiar voice said from the door.

I opened my eyes. “Lyss. I mean, Alyssa. You came.” I hated

that I was flashing the most ridiculous grin known to mankind.

She shrugged. “Parents made me.”

Of course. It had nothing to do with me. I mustered up the

last ounce of confidence I had and nodded my head. “Well, I’m

glad they did.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“Anyway, I’m just waiting for one more. Go ahead and

make yourself at home.”

Alyssa walked by me so fast I nearly got windburn. Great.

Would I get no admirers? If this was some sort of trick in order to

humble me, Mrs. Murray had another thing coming.

I was already pathetically humble.

Too humble, if you asked me. Loss had a way of doing that

to you. It stripped every ounce of confidence you ever had, not

only in yourself, but in the people around you.

I waited for five more minutes. Mrs. Murray called earlier

that day to say we had another member. Apparently, he was a last

minute addition. That was all the information she gave me. And

now he was late.

The laughter grew louder from the living room. I was being

a chicken. I wanted to stroll out my front door and walk headfirst

into the ocean.

Playing at the Grammy’s had been easier than this.

I gave myself a pep talk and walked into the living room.

Directly into silence.

I cleared my throat and sat on the recliner, the only available

seat, and nodded toward the coffee table. “As you can see, we have

some name tags here, so everyone can get to know your name.”

Everyone grumbled in unison as I threw out markers for

them to grab and use to write their names.

I was winning nobody over, that much was clear.

Well, hopefully I wouldn’t get in trouble. I was about to

break a lot of rules. I wrote my name down and began talking.

“So, I’m your group facilitator…” Several eyes darted away

from me. Eyes that held pain, doubt, insecurity, fear. God, how I

knew what it was like.

Here went nothing. “I used drugs and alcohol to numb my

loss and nearly killed myself, not to mention several others, in the

process. I’m an ass. I’m a man-whore user, who, up until last year,

slept with anything that looked at me. I used hard earned money to

buy drugs and thought nothing of getting others hooked right

along with me. Until I met someone… and everything changed. I

would like to say it’s because of me that I changed. But clearly, I’m

an idiot and an ass, and it took way more than just my own

diminishing conscience to get clean. But in all of my bad choices I

learned something valuable.” I cleared my throat; you could hear a

pin drop in the room. Sweat pooled in my hands. “I learned that

sometimes it’s okay to let others help you. Sometimes it’s not going

to be you who takes that first step. It’s going to be the person who

isn’t too scared to push you. The person who doesn’t care that they

may lose you as a friend. I know that by myself I can never be

strong enough to break free from the cycle I put myself in. And I’m

okay with leaning on others. By the way, I’m Demetri, your group

leader.”

The big dude, who earlier looked like he wanted to kill me,

got up from his seat. Crap, this was where he was going to walk

out.

I watched him tentatively as he made his way over to my

chair and stuck out his hand. “I’m Aaron, and it’s great to meet

you, Demetri.”

I felt my eyes widen just slightly. I grasped his hand and

shook it firmly. “Nice to meet you, Aaron.”

“Holly.” The girl who had arrived with the bigger guy

smiled warmly and held out her hand.

“You know who I am.” Sam waved from across the coffee

table. His eyes flickered downward and then back up at me before

giving a nod. The type of nod guys give other guys when you

finally decide they’re cool enough to possibly hang out. At least he

didn’t want to run me over with his car anymore.

All heads turned toward Alyssa. I knew it was a small town.

No doubt everyone in this room was aware that I had been

pursuing the girl like some lovesick high schooler who’d never

kissed a girl before.

I waited for her to say something. She wrote her name down

on the piece of paper and smiled at everyone but me. In fact, her

eyes quickly darted past me as she greeted the group. “I’m Alyssa.”

“I know you from school,” Holly said. “I mean, you were in

a class below me, but it’s good to see you.”

Alyssa blushed and nodded.

Aaron pulled Holly tighter against him and kissed her

forehead.

“Now that that’s out of the way…” I leaned forward. “I

think it would be good for all of us to state why we’re in grief

group. I’m not going to spout any crap about the circle of trust or

anything, but you’re all aware you’ve had to sign gag orders, so

everything that’s said inside this house, stays here. Are we clear?”

I was a little shocked that I had taken control so completely.

My voice seemed strong, confident, and crazy as it sounds, once I

made that little statement, I felt that way. I felt like I was doing

exactly what I should be doing.

Heads nodded in my direction.

“Good.” I leaned back. “Who’s going to go first?”

“I will,” a voice said from behind me. All eyes flickered up

to meet the intruder. I turned around and greeted the guy. He must

have been about nineteen, maybe twenty by the looks of him.

“Sorry.” He shrugged and offered a smile. “I knocked and

then some huge dude answered the door and told me you guys

were already starting.”

“That would be Bob.” I nodded and offered a smile. “I’m

Demetri.”

The guy laughed warmly. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be

impossible not to know that. How you doin’, man?”

“Can’t complain.” I motioned to the couch. “Why don’t you

have a seat?”

I turned back toward the group and noticed that every single

person was looking at the newcomer as if he was some sort of

ghost. Even Aaron’s eyes were bulging.

Holly began to cry softly into his chest, and Alyssa’s jaw was

clenched so tightly I thought her teeth were going to fall out.

What the hell?

Small towns blew, that much was true. I was clearly missing

out on something important, but we only had another half hour of

group left, and I had tons of stuff I needed to get through.

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name?” I asked the guy.

He held out his hand. “Connor. Connor Austin.”

Why did that name, of all names, sound familiar? I could

have sworn the football stadium was called Austin Stadium. Must

be from a rich family or something.

“Cool.” I leaned back in my chair. “You still up for pouring

your guts out?”

“Yup.” He leaned forward. “I know I’m the last person you

guys want to see.”

“Why’s that?” I asked. I couldn’t help it.

Connor got really silent. None of the group members were

moving. It was as if the entire mood of the day had shifted.

Everything I had done didn’t matter. Not with Connor sitting there.

“Since it looks like I’m the outsider…” I cursed and ran my

fingers through my hair in irritation. “Will somebody please tell me

what the hell is going on?”

Connor’s face snapped to Alyssa’s; she was still looking

down. “I killed someone.”

Not what I expected. I tried to play it cool. “Care to expand

on that, Connor?”

“It was an accident.”

Well, that was a relief.

“I was driving to an away game. The rain was coming down

in sheets. I couldn’t see a thing. A deer ran out in front of me, and I

swerved. I didn’t see the truck. I didn’t know he was on the side of

the road —” A sob escaped Connor’s throat. “He pulled out into

traffic the minute I swerved away from the deer, so I was in his

blind spot. By the time I pulled back in, I side-swiped him. The

truck ran into the telephone pole.”

Alyssa bolted from her seat and ran out the door. I got up to

go after her, but quickly sat back down. This was my group. I

couldn’t just leave them.

Connor cursed and clenched his fist. “I killed Brady Stevens

that night. Star quarterback of our football team, my best friend in

the whole world.”

“Did he die instantly?” I asked. Call it morbid curiosity, but I

wasn’t sure how far this grief went. Did the guy go into a coma?

Was he paralyzed for a while?

“No.” Connor sucked in a breath. “His girlfriend was with

him. Nobody knows how, but his body shielded her from the

impact. When she woke up, she started doing compressions. He

died at the hospital.”

So the girlfriend was still living.

My mind flashed to the sweatshirt Alyssa wore all the time.

“What was his football number?”

“Fifteen.” Everyone answered in unison and looked at me

and then at the empty spot Alyssa had just left.

“The girlfriend,” I stated.

Connor nodded numbly.

“Shit.”

Aaron, the person who I least expected to do anything in this

type of situation, leaned forward and placed a hand on Connor’s

shoulder. “It’s not your fault, you know that, right?”

Connor shook his head. “If I would have paid more

attention. If…”

Sam was eerily quiet. I looked to him and noticed that he

had been sitting there crying for a while.

“It was an accident,” Sam said hoarsely. “I’ve spent too

many days wishing I’d have done something, anything really.” His

eyes flickered to Connor. “There was nothing you could do, man,

nothing any of us could do. Sometimes life is just damn unfair.”

His hands shook as he clenched and unclenched his fingers. I

narrowed my eyes as I watched another tear slide down his cheek.

His response was different than the others. It was personal, more

personal than even the best friend responsible. And suddenly it

dawned on me. I’d seen that look on my brother’s face before — the

day I was lying in the hospital bed.

“You’re his brother.”

Sam’s head snapped to attention and then his eyes

narrowed. “How’d you know?”

Honestly I had no idea how the hell I knew it, or that his face

reminded me of Alec’s. I shrugged. “The way you are with her,

almost as if you’re trying to be him or something. Like you owe her

what he didn’t follow through on. I don’t know, maybe I’m just

losing my mind, but I do know one thing. You can’t take his place,

man.” I looked at him dead on. “That’s how I can tell.”

“Shit.” Sam hit his hand against the coffee table and cursed

again. “I know I can’t take his place, don’t you think I know that?”

“Then what the hell are you doing?” I said it calmly. I

needed him to see what he was doing. The shell of a life he was

leading. I don’t even know how I knew it. I could just tell. He was

miserable. He didn’t want to be in Seaside, working at the

aquarium.

“She needs me.”

“You can’t save her.” Whoa. Where did that come from?

Was I suddenly being gifted with wisdom instead of jackass-ness?

Sam nodded his head and then got to his feet and slowly

walked to the couch where Connor sat.

“I’m sorry, man.” Connor shook his head. I’d never seen a

guy cry like that before. Sobs wracked his body. I wasn’t one for

man love, but I couldn’t just let him sit there. So I sat next to him on

the couch and patted his back while Sam sat next to him and cried

as well.

I wasn’t sure if this meant I was the worst group facilitator

in the world or the best. I felt raw, upset, so many things. I didn’t

even want to acknowledge my own feelings, because if I did I’d

realize what a complete ass I’d been for the last two years.

People were hurting in this world.

Yes. I’ve had my fair share. But at least I had family to help

me get over it. I had Alec and Nat. I was able to power through,

finally.

But these people. Their cuts were still wide open for the

world to see. Alyssa especially, and a part of me realized that it

would take a lot more than group therapy to help the girl.

I steered the conversation toward our next meeting and

walked everyone out. Sam and Connor both stopped in front of me.

Both of them had ghosts of a smile on their faces.

“Thanks, man.” Connor pulled me into a hug and slapped

my back.

“No problem.” I coughed.

Sam shook his head. “Of all the people to work through this

shit with us…”

I rolled my eyes. “I know, I know. I’m probably the worst.”

Sam swallowed and looked down at the ground. “No, um, I

was going to say you’re probably the best.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Are you hitting on me?” I joked.

Sam rolled his eyes. “And there he is, Demetri Daniels,

certified man-whore. We’ll see you later, man.”

“Wait, you don’t want my number?” I smirked, this time I

was serious.

The guys laughed and we traded numbers before I shut the

door behind them.

Chapter Thirteen

Alyssa

I ran as fast as I could, but the nightmare just kept catching

up to me. I saw blood, too much blood.

Sweat poured down my face as my feet pumped against the

concrete. Tears mixed with sweat trickled down my lips as I gasped

for air. My side hurt, my legs hurt, everything hurt, especially my

heart.

Finally, after an hour of running up and down the

boardwalk, I found myself at the Aquarium.

It was tourist season, so it was still open.

I walked in and found Sally right away.

Memories of Brady feeding the seals rushed back to me.

“You have to be careful, Alyssa, don’t want the seals biting your

hand off.”

I rolled my eyes. “Brady, I’m fine, just give me the fish.”

“Say please.”

“No.”

“What?” He laughed, his blue eyes sparkling. “Did you just say

no?”

I nodded my head and stuck out my tongue. “I will not apologize,

now give me the fish.”

“At least pay the toll.”

“Fine.” I stepped forward and kissed him on the lips.

Sally chose that exact moment to splash both of us.

Brady laughed and lifted me up so he was bracing me against the

wall. “I kind of like you, you know that, right?”

“I kind of like you too,” I said, breathless.

“You’re a hot cheerleader.”

“You’re a sexy quarterback.”

We laughed and kissed some more. Sally splashed for attention.

I didn’t realize I was still crying until I noticed my tears were

falling onto the concrete fence in front of the cage.

“You okay?” The voice pierced my pain, only slightly. I

turned to see Demetri leaning against the door.

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Easy.” He shrugged. “I put a tracking device in your taffy.

It’s all part of my evil plan to take over the world. One hot girl at a

time.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. The jerk, he would make me

laugh when I was trying to wrap myself up in all that pain.

“Truthfully?” He walked toward me and leaned against the

concrete wall. “I figured this was where I would go if I were you. It

has happy memories, and right now you need to be cheered up.”

“They told you.”

“I guessed.”

I sighed. “So now you know.”

“No.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug. “I

know nothing. I want to hear it from you, but not until you’re

ready. In fact, I remember a while back making a little deal with

you. I tell you something hard and you tell me. Technically

someone else told me, but I’ll still count yours for the day.”

I closed my eyes and nodded as I placed my head against his

chest and sighed again. He felt so comfortable, so good.

“I loved my girlfriend, Cassie, so much.”

I wanted to tense and push away, but really, wasn’t I

mourning a lost love too? I would be the biggest hypocrite on the

planet if I did that. So I waited for him to continue.

“My brother and I were drunk one night and made a bet. I’d

been wanting to sleep with her for months. I was fifteen and

horny.”

“And you’re different now…?” I whispered into his chest.

His laugh warmed me from the inside out. “Very funny.”

His hand moved to my head as he caressed my hair. “Anyway, my

brother was giving me so much crap about it that finally I had

enough. I told him that even he couldn’t get in her pants. Before all

this happened Alec had always been the lady killer. I know, hard to

believe, but it’s true.”

I felt him gulp as he held me tighter and whispered, “He

gave her heroine.”

Shocked, I pulled back and looked at his face to see if he was

kidding. He wasn’t smiling. In fact, that all too familiar look of pain

was etched in his eyes. “They had sex and she got pregnant.”

“With his baby,” I whispered hoarsely. “The girl you loved?

And your brother? So you have a nephew?”

“No.” His lower lip trembled, as he pulled away and leaned

against the concrete container. “But, that’s a story for another

time.”

I had pushed him to his limit. It was clear he didn’t make a

habit of telling this story — it was private. Nobody knew about it,

otherwise I would have been told by now. He trusted me with

something deep and dark.

And I owed him the same thing.

I reached for his hand and pulled him into a hug.

Well, it was supposed to be a hug, until I reached up and

touched his face. He closed his eyes and moaned.

I wasn’t sure if I moved first or if he did, but our lips met,

and in a frenzy he picked me up and slammed me against the wall.

“Sorry,” he mumbled setting me down. “I’m just

overwhelmed a bit. Kind of used to using this as a way to…”

“Mask the pain,” I finished looking into his hurt eyes.

“I don’t want to use you.”

“You aren’t.”

“How do you know?”

He doubted himself so much, but I knew what type of guy

he was. He was one of the good ones, as much as he whored

around. It was all a mask, a smokescreen. I took a deep breath.

“Because I do. Now kiss me.”

Demetri’s eyes widened just slightly before his mouth

crushed mine. I parted my lips as his tongue plunged in and out.

His hands moved to cup my butt and pull me against him.

His kiss was nothing like Brady’s.

Nothing.

Demetri’s hands moved against my skin, slowly lifting my

shirt. When I felt his fingers graze the skin above my hipbone it

sent a shot of electricity through my body, and my head jerked

back. His mouth worked down my neck. Clearly, the guy knew

how to kiss.

I shuddered beneath his kiss, his touch. I’d never in my life

experienced anything like it. Part of me wanted to pull back,

because it felt like I was cheating on Brady’s memory, that I wasn’t

being faithful to the relationship we had, but another part craved

Demetri.

A throat cleared in the distance.

Slowly, Demetri put me back on my feet, his eyes never left

my face. A sense of awe reflected in them as his forehead touched

mine.

The throat cleared again.

“What is it, Bob?” Demetri’s voice was hoarse.

“People are waiting to come in.”

“Right.” He reached out and pulled down my shirt then

tucked my hair behind my ears. “Do you have any lip gloss?”

I nodded.

“Put it on.”

I nodded my head numbly and reached for my lip gloss.

With shaking fingers I dabbed a bit on my lips and rubbed them

together. I ran my fingers through my hair so it didn’t look so

mussed, but I’m sure it probably still looked awful. After all, I had

been sobbing and making out with the hottest guy on the planet.

“Any cameras?” Demetri asked Bob before we went out the

entrance.

He shook his head. “One, but he left a while ago.”

“Good.” Demetri’s grip tightened on my hand as he pulled

me through the door and walked me outside. “Sorry, I’ve had the

same damn photographer following me for the past year. Everyone

else gave up on my boring life, but this one’s convinced I’m not

going to stay clean. So he’s like a friendly stalker. Sometimes I even

buy him Starbucks.”

“So, why are you nervous about him all of a sudden?”

Demetri put his arm around me. “I don’t want him taking

your picture.”

I tensed. Was he ashamed of me?

“Stop being a girl,” he whispered into my hair. “It has

nothing to do with not wanting to be seen with you. Hell, I’ll shout

it in the streets if you want. I just don’t think you want people

digging into your past right now. Am I right?”

I hadn’t even thought of that. Terror swept through me at

the thought of seeing the news again. Pictures of the totaled truck,

our prom picture, and finally the service at the football field.

“Thanks.” I shuddered.

“No problem.” His face brushed against the top of my head

as his lips found my cheek. “Sorry.” He seemed almost

embarrassed.

“What for?” I fought back a grin.

“I can’t seem to help myself.” He smiled mischievously and

pulled me down the alleyway and flush against his body. Instantly

his lips found mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck. With a

moan he pulled back. “Let’s go do something.”

My eyes widened.

He rolled his. “Good Lord, not that. Get your head out of the

gutter.”

“Not my fault you put it there.”

“Really?” His smile was contagious as his teeth grazed my

lower lip and gave it a little tug. The guy was way too good at

kissing. In fact there should be strict laws against really attractive

celebrities and kissing.

“Stop.” I put my hand against his chest and froze.

Everything about him was so solid and strong. I ran my hand down

the middle of his chest across his abs, somewhat in awe.

“If you keep doing that I’m going to toss up your skirts here

in the alleyway.”

“I’m not wearing a skirt.”

“Damn.” He looked down. “Next time. It’s so much easier

that way.” He winked. I punched him in the arm.

“Okay, so what do you want to do? I have to work

tomorrow, so we can’t stay up super late.”

Demetri put his hand over his heart. “Alyssa, are you

agreeing to hang out with me? As a friend?”

“Do friends kiss?” I countered.

“My friends do.”

“Good thing I’m your only one.” I rolled my eyes.

“Not true, both Sam and Connor gave me friend vibes at

group. I also have their numbers.”

“And you’re planning on kissing them too?”

“Nah, I mean, I’m not like that. I don’t just go kissing other

people… now if one of them made the first move…” He put his

hands in the air signaling he’d be okay with it.

I burst out laughing.

His face was serious. I immediately stopped laughing. Oh

my gosh, was he serious?

And then he smirked and laughed. “Wow, did you really

think I played for both teams? I’m not sure if I should be offended

or complimented. I guess I do have great style. I mean we already

know how awesome I look in that Seaside Taffy visor.”

“Yes. Homeless,” I answered.

“Hot and homeless?” He looked hopeful.

“Not so much.”

“Can’t win ‘em all!” He winked and grabbed my hand.

“Come on, I know just what we can do.”

Chapter Fourteen

Demetri

I was still so stoked she was holding my hand that I nearly

tripped on my own feet as I led her out of the alleyway.

Classy. I had officially made out with the hottest girl on the

planet in the middle of an alleyway in Seaside, Oregon. The old

Demetri would have given me a high five. But she deserved better

than that.

Which is why it was important that she have fun right then.

“Hurry.” I tugged her arm toward the opposite end of the

street. When we reached the destination I triumphantly threw my

hands in the air and yelled “Bumper cars.”

“I’ve never done this before.” She laughed breathlessly.

“You live here! How could you just pass it by?”

She shrugged. “I know it’s strange. I was always too scared

when I was little and then after the accident, the whole car thing…”

Her crystal blue eyes met mine. I wanted to punch myself for being

so insensitive. She had survived a car crash, and I was taking her to

bumper cars. Really? How stupid could I be?

“Its fine. I want to do it.” She put her hands on her hips and

exhaled. “I can do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Totally.” She nodded once and walked further into the

outdoor carnival area. It was like a garage on the street. They had

the bumper cars and Tilt-A-Whirl covered just in case it rained,

which it usually did nearly every day during the winter and spring.

It wasn’t helpful for those who were fighting depression — or drug

addictions for that matter. I swear I still couldn’t figure out how

half the population wasn’t addicted to something or other.

I paid the man and ran to the red car. Little kids shuffled

around us. Being competitive, I felt the need to trash talk a bit. The

kids ate it up. And one tiny nerdy kid stole the red car. I’ll get him

later.

Alyssa chose the pink car, naturally.

I chose the black one, because I’m bad ass. At least that’s

what I announced in front of a few first graders, much to their

parents’ horrified stares.

I mouthed sorry and looked over at Alyssa, who was trying

to keep herself from laughing.

The alarm went off and I went straight for her.

She threw her head back and laughed, then moved her car

forward toward the little kid in front of her.

“Watch it!” he yelled. He was missing several of his teeth

and wore a shirt that said “Darth Vader Lives.”

She hit him again.

Good girl.

“Mom!” the kid yelled and rammed his car back into Alyssa.

She didn’t even flinch, just waved at the little guy and took off after

another one.

I seriously needed to take her to laser tag.

“Gotcha.” I hit her car, softly, because she’s a girl. She

whipped her little bumper car around so fast I didn’t have time to

get away. I quickly realized my error, but it was too late. I was

trapped.

She rammed me with her car so hard mine went backward.

Girl-shmirl. It. Was. On.

With a war cry straight out of the movie 300, at least that’s

how I envisioned it, I drove after her.

Tunnel vision took over as I steered my car toward hers. I

had five feet and then. Crash.

A little car rammed me from the right.

Darth Vader kid was nodding his head and blowing smoke

from his pudgy little hands. I tried to get out of my car, you know

to teach him a lesson, but it was so small that I was stuck.

The cars stopped. And all the little kids hopped out.

I was still stuck.

“Need help?” Alyssa asked, leaning over my shoulder. My

right knee was caught underneath the car. I was seriously

contemplating just lifting the car like a skirt and walking off, but

then I’d be Flintstone-ing it all the way back to the house in the

rain.

“I got it.” I didn’t mean to snap, but my manhood was at

stake.

“Do you?” She walked around the car and stood in front of

me, arms crossed. “Prove it.”

“Fine.” I bit out then tried to push out of the car. Seriously, I

fit in it, how could I not get out of it?

“Need help yet?”

I looked down and shook my head. “No, I can do this.”

She gave me a patronizing smile as I tried to move my foot

to the side and get my knee out from underneath the metal car. The

little alarm went off again, signaling the next riders to get in their

cars.

Great, my hell was right here surrounded by little kids in a

tiny car forever going nowhere.

“Stop panicking.” Alyssa stepped toward me and reached

into the car. Okay, so I wasn’t panicking, per se. I was actually

doing fine until she reached her delicate hand into my personal

space and slowly ran her hand down my knee and pulled it out

from underneath the metal entrapment with ease.

Her eyes met mine as she slowly pulled back.

Holy hell. I was going to be showing a lot more than a smile,

if I had to get out of this car now. And there were children present.

Great, I’m sure somewhere that meant a ticket, or at least prison.

I swallowed and took a few deep breaths before quickly

jumping from the car and grabbing her hand. Together, we ran out

of there into the cool night air, which helped me alleviate the

situation.

Well, that and the cold rain then pelting my face.

“Did you drive down here?” I pulled her into a nearby store

so we wouldn’t get soaked.

“Yeah, my car’s down C Street.”

“Mine’s down that way too. I’ll walk you to your car.”

Her face scrunched up into a frown. “Is our date over?”

I grinned like a fool. “Lyss, this wasn’t a date.”

Her face fell.

I pulled her into a hug even though she fought me. “My

dates are way cooler than this. I can promise you that.”

“Oh yeah?” she challenged.

I chuckled and kissed her hair. “Yeah, this was just for

cheering up.”

“Who says I’m sufficiently cheered?” She pulled away and

put her hands on her little hips.

“Fine.” I licked my lips and leaned in. “What else will cheer

you up?”

“My turn.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me outside.

We ran down the street until we reached the old carousel mall.

With a giant grin she tugged me inside. We jogged past people and

then stopped right in front of the carousel.

“No.” I crossed my arms. “I’ve gotta put my foot down. No

riding with little kids. They have germs.” And there was just

something about riding a fake horse or bunny in circles that

reminded me of too many drug trips gone bad.

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “You aren’t going to be riding the

horse or the bunny, so stop complaining. I promise it will be really

fun, okay?”

I exhaled. “Fine. So what are we doing?”

My eyes kept focusing on the animals as they went in circles.

The music only made it worse. How does this cheer a person up?

And then I saw it.

Alyssa jumped onto the carousel.

She was riding the seal.

Like a little kid.

She even put the seatbelt around her.

Her laugh was like a punch to the gut. So clear and pretty.

She threw her head back and laughed as the carousel continued

going in circles. I pulled out my phone and took pictures. And then

I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

I had to be by her.

It was like she was giving me a glimpse of the girl she could

be. Happy, carefree. God, I’d never seen her smile so big in the

whole time I’d known her. She was beautiful. Like supermodel, I

want to screw your brains out, take you home to meet my parents,

then marry you, beautiful.

I jumped onto the moving carousel and quickly made my

way to the seal. The little sign in the middle of the carousel said

Only one rider per animal. To her right was a frog. I shrugged. I could

ride a frog. I made my way toward the frog, and that same little

Darth Vader kid, cut me off and stole my animal!

I gritted my teeth and looked to her other side.

A freaking unicorn.

I lifted my eyes heavenward and moved to the pink unicorn,

praying that the parents and kids didn’t shoot a video of this and

send it to TMZ.

Muffling curses, I jumped on the unicorn and looked at

Alyssa. She was dying laughing. I soon joined in, but the little

Darth Vader kid, AKA Satan, started yelling.

“He’s not wearing his seatbelt!”

“Fine.” I gave him a tight smile and wrapped the seatbelt

around me. I still couldn’t figure out why carousels had seatbelts. I

mean, if you were going to fall off of it, you’d still fall. You’d just

slide to the side of the animal and look all kinds of inappropriate.

That’s all I needed. A picture of me humping the unicorn.

That would go over really well with concert sales.

“See.” Alyssa leaned over and touched my knee. I was

suddenly very thankful for the seatbelt, because her touch jolted

me so much I nearly fell off the damn horse. “This is fun, isn’t it?”

I laughed. “It’s fun, because you’re fun. Don’t for one second

think I like riding a unicorn.”

“You kind of do,” she argued.

I looked down. Okay, so it was kind of fun. “No, I don’t.”

“Then why you are smiling?”

“For the kids.” I nodded. “I want to be a good sport.”

“You’re a god among men,” she agreed.

I felt myself blush. Crap, I hadn’t blushed for a girl. Ever.

“Thanks, Lyss. You’re right, this is fun.”

“I’m sorry, what?” She cupped her ear.

I threw my head back and laughed, then shouted. “This is

the best day of my life!”

Much to the amusement of several little kids who joined in

and began clapping.

Alyssa laughed, her shoulders shaking with amusement. As

we got off of the carousel, she reached for my hand.

I held it the entire way to her car.

“So will I see you tomorrow?” I asked, feeling like a

complete and total fool for wanting her as much as I did.

“I have to work.”

“Me too.” I shrugged. “I also gotta talk to Mrs. Murray. She

said something about doing group twice a week if we survive our

first meeting without killing one another.”

Alyssa tensed.

“It would be healthy for you, Alyssa.” The rain was coming

down lightly now, a few drops landed on her cheek before she

could wipe them away. She sniffed and looked away from me.

“Just think about it, okay?”

“Okay.” She leaned up and kissed my cheek.

Chapter Fifteen

Alyssa

The next day at work the shop was deserted, but Sundays

were always like that. Once everyone got out of church it would be

bustling with activity again. For now, it was dead, and I was

irritated. The silence left me way too much time to think about

group and Demetri.

I hated how easily I let my walls fall down when I was

around him. Something about him made me want to be vulnerable,

and it was terrifying. I picked up some of the taffy samples and

popped a few in my mouth.

It made me smile.

“What are you grinning about?” My dad came around the

corner with a few bags of mixed taffy in hand.

I shrugged. “Nothing, just happy.”

He dropped the taffy onto the counter, his eyes narrowing in

inspection. “Are you on drugs?”

I burst out laughing. “Really Dad? Have I been that

depressing to live with these past few years?”

His eyes dropped to the counter. “I’ve been worried.”

Sighing, I walked over to him and put my hand across his. I

hated this part. Where I was supposed to tell him that everything

was fine, and I was just going through a phase. I had repeated this

conversation so many times aloud over the past few years that it

was second nature.

But today was different.

I swallowed and fought the warm tears as I answered. “It’s

been really hard.”

“I know, baby.” He immediately pulled me into his arms

and kissed my hair. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could take the pain

away, make it better.”

I sighed into his shirt. “It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either.”

He didn’t know it. But it was my fault. If I hadn’t been

distracting Brady, he would have never pulled over, and if he

wouldn’t have pulled over he would still be alive. He’d be playing

football at Boise State. I shrugged in an effort to brush him off. I

couldn’t talk about it, not with him.

“Shift’s almost over. Is it okay if I leave early and go to the

beach?” I patted my dad’s back and walked around him.

“Of course. Have fun, keep your cell on, okay?”

“Always.” I smiled, grabbed my purse, and quickly left the

store. Cool air met me, and I was finally able to breathe without

feeling like I was suffocating. I reached into my purse for one of my

anti-anxiety meds.

I hated having to rely on pills to get me through the day.

I played with the pill bottle and decided against taking one.

Instead, I walked the boardwalk and listened to the waves. People

walked by me, some waved, others were holding hands.

Seriously. Seaside had to be the worst place in the world to

live if you were trying to nurse a broken heart. Something about

being on a beach was a little too romantic for me to take in.

My cell phone buzzed.

COME OVR.

It was from Demetri.

After our non-date the night before, I hadn’t heard from

him. I couldn’t help the broad smile that spread across my face.

ON MY WAY.

GR8.

I shoved my phone into my pocket and walked toward his

house. It was only a mile away from city center. You could easily

walk there from the boardwalk.

Once his house came into view, I picked up the pace. I was

totally out of breath by the time I reached his door. I knocked twice

and waited.

The door flung open.

It wasn’t Demetri.

“Hey,” the guy said. My eyes bugged. Holy crap! He had

super dark hair and crystal blue eyes. He was just as big as

Demetri, and his smile was absolutely killer. I felt myself blush, so I

looked away.

“I, uh, I’m here to see Demetri.”

“Interesting,” hot guy said, crossing his arms. I assumed it

was Demetri’s brother but couldn’t be sure. I’d never seen him up

close.

“How so?” I countered.

The guy threw his head back and laughed. “You look

nothing like I thought you would.”

“Um…” I tried to think of something to say, but my mind

was completely blank. Was he making fun of me?

He laughed again.

This time I was pissed. “Look…” I braced my hand against

the screen door and glared. “I don’t know who the hell you are, but

I’m here to see my friend. Now wipe that ridiculous grin off of your

face and let me in. Otherwise, I’m going to tell Bob you hit on me.”

His grin widened. He pushed the door open revealing

Demetri. “She passed bro with flying colors.” He nodded his head

in my direction and held out his hand. “Alec Daniels.”

“Your brother’s an ass.” This I directed toward Demetri,

who looked like he was about ready to kiss me senseless and peel

my shirt from my body. What did I do? How did I pass?

“I couldn’t agree more,” Demetri said, his eyes twinkling

with amusement. “Come on in, I want you to meet someone else.”

I inched past Alec, who was at that very moment trying his

hardest to keep me from actually entering the house, and grabbed

Demetri’s outstretched hand.

“Nat!” he yelled.

I winced when he yelled for a second time.

“Hey!” Mrs. Murray’s daughter was suddenly in front of

me. Honestly, it was like watching one of those teenage soap

operas. Every player in the room was drop-dead gorgeous. I

suddenly had the urge to burn all my clothes and get a makeover.

Her long golden blond hair was streaked with honey highlights.

Her brown eyes had little makeup surrounding them, and her smile

was freakishly bright.

“Hi,” I mumbled, stepping closer to Demetri for protection.

The only experience I had with friends that were girls came from

when I was on the cheerleading squad. And every single one of

them abandoned me when Brady was out of the picture, and I was

kicked off the squad for missing so many practices. It wasn’t long

after that, that I quit school and finished my last year and a half

through online courses.

She tilted her head. “Alec’s right, you know. You’re way

prettier than I could even imagine. And you’re super short!”

“Thank you?” I offered looking between her and Demetri.

Alec walked around me and pulled Nat into a hug, kissing

the top of her head. “So…” he began. “You the chick my brother’s

been writing songs about?”

“What?” My voice shrieked. I looked at Demetri. A guilty

smile plastered across his face, and then I looked back at Alec who

seemed pleased to throw his brother under the bus. “Okay,

Edward-wannabe, explain.”

Alec laughed. “Demetri, I think your girlfriend just insulted

me.”

“I’m not his —”

“She’s good at making men feel small.” Demetri laughed.

Nat clapped her hands. “Then she’s perfect for you.”

Okay. They were all high. Or something! They even finished

each other’s sentences. What the heck kind of house did I just walk

into? Didn’t help that I felt like I had just stepped into Twilight. I

mean, who actually looks this perfect up close? Alec was beautiful.

Nat was I want to scratch your eyes out, but you’re too nice gorgeous,

and then there was Demetri. Perfect Demetri.

He cleared his throat.

Nat punched Alec. “We, uh, we were just leaving. We only

flew in for the day to grab the rest of my stuff for school, and I sorta

begged Demetri to meet you.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to do with that. “Well, we can,

um, hang out if you guys want to.” I looked at the three of them.

Shock registered on Demetri’s face. He opened his mouth to speak,

but Nat began pumping her fist in the air.

“No.” Demetri crossed his arms. “I will not subject her to

you guys. Not now, possibly not ever.”

“Why?” everyone asked in unison, totally cornering

Demetri.

“You ashamed of me?” I teased.

Alec snickered. “More like he’s afraid we’ll tell you all his

secrets, and you’ll realize how lame he is and drop his sorry ass.”

“Thanks, man.” Demetri glared. “But I kind of thought

Alyssa and I could…”

“Make out?” This from Nat.

“No.” Demetri groaned. “Go on a real date. We haven’t

actually done any of that yet, and I’m still trying to convince her

that I’m worthy of at least a dinner and a movie.”

“He’s worth it,” Alec confirmed.

“Yes, because she’s going to blindly take your word for it. A

man who, not five minutes ago, she called an ass. Awesome.”

Demetri cursed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Sorry, Lyss.

Really, don’t let them pressure you. They don’t have to stay. In fact,

they can leave. Don’t you guys have a plane to catch in like six

hours?”

“Seven,” Nat answered.

I touched Demetri’s arm. He was shaking. Odd. He seemed

totally in control and at ease. Subconsciously, I wondered if he was

angry, but he seemed more alert than anything.

“Here.” I gave him three pieces of taffy and smiled.

His face relaxed. “How’d you know?”

“Maybe my thing is being on taffy patrol?” Oh my gosh, that

sounded so lame. I wanted to run out of the house right then, but

everyone was grinning at me like I’d just cured world hunger by

giving Demetri taffy.

“She cares,” Alec said.

“I like her,” Nat added.

Demetri rolled his eyes and popped a piece of taffy into his

mouth. “What the heck kind of flavor is this, it tastes like…”

I shifted nervously. It was a new flavor. One I had my

parents make especially for him. I hadn’t meant for it to be a big

deal, or for him to discover it in front of his brother and Nat, but oh

well. No going back now. Plus, I’d already embarrassed myself

thirty times over.

“It’s, um, Jack Daniels taffy.”

The room fell silent.

Oh crap. What did I do?

Without any sort of warning Demetri pulled me into his

arms and kissed me firmly across the mouth. He tasted like sugar

and whiskey. Like heat and passion. I sucked on his tongue. I

couldn’t really help it.

He pulled back and kissed my cheek. “That was really sweet

of you. Alec used to buy me the alcohol flavored ones to help me

get over the addiction.”

“Oh.” I felt myself blush. “It was nothing. I just thought…” I

shrugged lamely.

“You thought,” Nat said. “About him. I say you’re a keeper.

Now can we please put you guys in some freaky disguises, so we

can go to dinner and a movie?”

“Wait, I never said yes,” Demetri argued.

“You didn’t really say no either,” I pointed out and then

snapped my mouth shut as Nat burst out laughing.

“Girl’s got a point.” She looped her arm with mine and tilted

her head toward Alec. “Go get the costumes.”

“Costumes?” I repeated while Demetri stomped up the stairs

and cursed, with Alec leading the way.

Nat released my arm and looked at me. “It’s kind of a long

story, but usually when the guys go out during the day, there’s so

many people around here that they don’t really get bothered that

much. But for some reason, whenever they go to restaurants they

get hounded. It’s kinda freaky if you aren’t used to it. So I came up

with a brilliant plan.”

I really liked Nat. Her enthusiasm was contagious. Honestly,

I wish she was the type of girl I could easily hate. Then I could

forget the fact that she and Demetri briefly dated. But she was

awesome. And I hadn’t had a friend in a long time, which meant

her warmth was like food to someone starved.

She clasped her hands together. “I make both boys wear

hats, backwards, so they still look like they are in high school. They

throw on some old football sweatshirts from Seaside High and take

off the skinny jeans.”

I laughed. “Yeah, the skinny jeans are a huge indicator.

Sorry to say.”

Nat rolled her eyes. “Right? I mean what guy in Seaside

actually pulls them off that well? It’s basically like wearing a poster

that says ‘Rock star Coming Through’.”

I burst out laughing and nodded my head. “Doesn’t help

that Demetri’s gorgeous.” Whoops. I felt myself blush as Nat

smiled warmly at me.

“He is, and he seems to really like you.”

I shrugged.

“Look, I love this whole humility thing you’ve got going on,

but seriously, you’re beautiful, and I don’t know, maybe it sounds

weird, but I see this inner strength about you.” She looked away.

“Great, now I’m sounding like my mom.”

I swallowed and bit my lower lip. “Don’t worry. You’re a far

cry from sounding like Mrs. Murray.” I wasn’t ready to tell Nat that

I saw her mom on a regular basis. “Besides, I’m not really that

strong.”

Nat got really quiet. I looked up to see what she was doing,

but she was staring at me, as if I was some sort of alien or

something. She shook her head back and forth and looked toward

the stairway, then back at me. “Any girl who can handle five

minutes with Demetri is strong, Alyssa. Believe me, you hold your

own, not many girls could.”

“Did you?” Whoa, seriously someone shut me up. Put

masking tape over my mouth and send me out the door.

Nat laughed. “No. Honestly, I was terrible with Demetri. It

was like mixing water with oil. Believe me, any girl wants it to

work when a hot guy comes after her, but with Demetri it was

never easy. I love him, don’t get me wrong. I hope that doesn’t

make you uncomfortable, but he’s like a brother to me.”

“Pretty sure my feelings don’t cross into familial territory.” I

smiled as I heard Alec yell at Demetri and Demetri curse back at

Alec. “I, um, I really like him.”

Nat didn’t have a chance to answer as both guys came

bounding down the stairs looking like high school football players.

My heart clenched.

There was no way Demetri could know. I mean, how could

he? But the vision in front of me was too familiar. It transported me

back to a time I wanted to forget yet hold onto. I was so torn with

my memories of Brady.

Demetri was hot. I mean, ridiculously hot in that sweatshirt.

It said Seaside High Football, and it fit him tighter than most

sweatshirts should fit a person, making his muscles bulge beneath

the shirt. His hat was backward, but his long curly blond hair

strained beneath it, as if it didn’t want to be hidden, much like

Demetri. Always in the spotlight, always joking around. The man

was like sunshine. Which kind of sucked, when you wanted

nothing more than to live your life in a dark hole of guilt and

sadness.

“You okay?” He walked up to me and pulled me in for a

quick hug.

A muffled yes escaped my lips as he held my head against

his chest. The steady beat of his heart helped me get my breathing

under control, and then he kissed the top of my head. “I like you,

you know.”

Again, he had no idea that Brady was identical in the way he

conveyed his emotions. I wasn’t able to respond. I knew my eyes

were getting watery, because I could feel it. But I didn’t want to cry,

not in front of everyone. This was supposed to be fun. I mean, I was

hanging out with AD2 for crying out loud!

Most girls my age would murder me on the spot for even

thinking about tears at this moment.

I took a soothing breath and grabbed Demetri’s hand. “So,

where are we going to eat?”

Demetri looked to Alec and back. “Somewhere… special.”

“Why do I get the feeling there’s trickery involved?” I asked

as we walked out of the house.

“Always is,” Nat mumbled behind me. “Get used to it.”

Chapter Sixteen

Demetri

Okay, so it’s possible I’m going a little insane. I mean, I went

to bed last night thinking of one thing. And it wasn’t getting high,

drunk, or even having sex, though that would have been nice, if

you get my meaning.

Nope. It was about a short little girl who had managed to get

herself so fully into my consciousness that I stared at the ceiling for

like three hours doing nothing but smiling like an idiot and

strumming my guitar.

Yeah, I was losing my mind.

I mean, what type of guy sits and stares into space for hours

on end? Okay, let me clarify — what kind of sober guy does that? I

wrote three songs. They were all about her, and I’m not gonna lie.

It’s probably some of the best stuff I’ve come up with in years.

Alec freaked out and immediately called, saying he and Nat

were going to make an impromptu trip back to Seaside to make

sure I wasn’t still on drugs.

Seriously? As if they couldn’t trust me. I mean, I didn’t

screw up that bad, did I? Well, okay fine. So I almost died, but still.

A little trust never killed a person.

They spent the day with me, and I finally caved. I had to tell

them about Alyssa. I mean, clearly some sort of action needed to

happen if a perfectly healthy eighteen-year-old is smiling like a

mad man for hours on end.

They immediately wanted to meet her. Shit, I wanted them

to meet her too. I mean she was slowly changing my world.

Around her I didn’t feel like I had to be anything but myself, and I

hate to admit it, but it kinda felt like she needed me just as much as

I needed her.

With Nat, things always seemed off-balance. It was like I

was pulling all her energy, all her affection, everything that made

her Nat, and trying to suck it into my black hole of depression. She

willingly gave, but I offered nothing back in return. With Alyssa,

well, it felt balanced.

I finally feel balanced without pot or some sort of chemical,

and it was the best high I could ever experience in my life.

At first Alyssa seemed pissed that Alec was breathing the

same air as her, which was totally fine by me. I hated the

competition with my brother, and I… I mean, I knew he loved Nat,

but it would kill me if Alyssa liked him too.

I’d probably get in another car accident or off myself. I

mean, seriously. A guy can only handle so much rejection, right?

But she was freaking awesome. Dude, she even cursed. I

laughed aloud, then realized it wasn’t daydream time with Demetri

when Alyssa nudged me and lifted her totally cute eyebrows.

“Sorry.” I cleared my throat. “So, you guys hungry?” Wow,

good subject change. Almost hurt myself with that one.

“Starving.” Alyssa scooted closer to me. God, I wanted to

kiss her again. And the fact that she made me my own taffy? I

mean, come on. A year ago I would have laughed in her face.

Today I kind of wanted to cry. Stupid sober emotions rearing their

ugly heads again.

“Good.” I pulled her closer. Screw it. I was going to kiss her.

Life’s too short. I leaned down and kissed her cheek. But it was so

soft, and at the moment my lips touched her skin I knew I wanted

more. I tilted her head toward mine and drank in the softness of

her mouth.

“Told you he wanted to make out with her,” Nat announced

from the front seat. I flipped them off while still kissing Alyssa.

Mature, I know.

She giggled and pulled away, a slight blush staining her

cheeks. I sighed happily and grasped her hand. She squeezed back.

Alec drove us through town until we reached Highway 101.

Alyssa’s hand tensed in mine.

I rubbed her skin with my thumb.

Her hands started getting super clammy. I turned to look at

her. Her eyes were closed and she was shaking.

“Lyss,” I whispered in her ear. “What’s wrong?”

“Um…” Her lower lip trembled again. “I just…” Her

breathing became really shallow.

I tapped Alec’s shoulder. “Pull over, man.”

“Dude, we just got on the highway, and—”

“Pull the hell over before I slam my fist into your head.”

“Pulling…” Alec whistled and put the car into park. I

unbuckled Alyssa’s seatbelt. It was like she was frozen, like she

couldn’t move. Could people go into shock like this? I scooped her

up and into my arms placing her on her feet just outside the SUV.

“Lyss, talk to me.”

Shaking, she hugged me so tight I almost choked on my next

breath. “The — the accident. I haven’t driven this far out of town

since the accident.”

Damn.

“Panic attack?” She nodded into my chest. “Shit, Lyss, I had

no idea! I can be such an ass, I didn’t even ask.”

She sniffled against my chest. “To be fair, it’s not a normal

reaction, so there’s no way you would know.”

“Hey.” I gently pried her away from my body and tilted her

chin up with my finger. “Who am I to say what’s normal and not

normal? I eat freaking taffy to curb my cravings for drugs. You

think that’s normal?”

A faint smile danced across her face.

“Alyssa, look at me.” She did. “I’m terrified of birds. Not just

terrified to get attention, but so freaking terrified that if a bird

landed right next to us, I’d leave you. No joke. I’d get in the car,

and it’s possible you’d hear very unmanly noises coming from my

mouth.”

She burst out laughing and wiped the tears away from her

eyes. “All birds or just seagulls?”

“All birds. I mean, come on. Have you ever seen an ostrich

before? There’s something very wrong about a bird that can look

you straight in the eye. Know what I mean?”

She laughed again and nodded. “Thanks.”

“For what?” I grabbed her hand again. She was so small

compared to me. I liked protecting her, being next to her.

“Making me laugh during my insane freak out. I promise I

can do this. I can ride in a car. How far away are we driving?”

“Ten more miles tops. I promise.”

She nodded. “Okay, I can do it. Just… um I just can’t go any

farther.”

I bit my lip. “One of these days you’ll be able to, Lyss, trust

me. And when you’re ready to go all crazy and hit up eleven miles

or, God forbid, even fifteen, I’ll be there.”

Her eyes widened and for a minute I thought she was going

to freak out again. Instead she launched herself into my arms and

pressed her lips against mine. “I really like you, Demetri Daniels.”

I sighed against her hot mouth. “I really like you too,

Alyssa…” Holy crap. I had no idea what her last name was. I set

her on her feet. “What’s your last name?”

“I’m hurt, you don’t even know?” She swatted me as I led

her back to the SUV.

“Well, one of us is famous, so it’s not my fault you already

know mine.” I opened the door for her and motioned for her to go

in. She crossed her arms and shook her head.

“Guess you’ll have to do your research, huh?”

I grinned like a fool and nodded my head. “Guess I better.”

We got into the car where Alec and Nat were fighting. Of

course they were.

“Okay, guys, we can go now.”

“No, we can’t.” Nat crossed her arms.

“Why?” If the murderous expression on Alec’s face was any

indicator, Nat was a few seconds away from death.

Nat flipped around and directed her attention toward

Alyssa. “You a fan of One Direction?”

Alyssa’s deer in headlights expression didn’t help matters.

She looked from Nat to me then finally exhaled. “Okay, honest

moment, and if you ever tell anyone I’ll swear I never said it. But I

used to be obsessed with Justin Bieber to the point of stalking his

Twitter account daily, and though I haven’t listened to music in a

while… If One Direction is that new British boy band I keep

hearing about then, yes. I’m sure I’ll love them.”

Nat grinned and gave Alyssa a high five. “We shall be

friends forever.” She turned back to her seat and nudged Alec.

“The ladies have spoken. Give us our boy band!”

Alec cursed and flipped the volume up where One Direction

was playing their newest hit.

I wanted to punch the seat in front of me. I totally shared

Alec’s sentiment. I mean, those guys were competition. You don’t

see the Seahawks painting their uniforms red in order to support

the 49ers. It just wasn’t done.

Finally, after Nat belted out the chorus and Alyssa began

moving in her seat next to me, I yelled. “Cheaters! Both of you!”

“What?” they yelled in unison.

“Competition!” I pointed at the radio. “That’s blatant

cheating. From here on out, I say you girls can’t listen to any guy

music, unless it’s us.”

“Agreed,” Alec muttered another curse in Nat’s direction.

Her response was to stick out her tongue. Clearly the honeymoon

phase was over.

“Denied,” Alyssa piped up next to me and gave Nat a high

five, shoving me out of the way. I felt my nostrils flare as I repeated

Alec’s curse and glared at both of the traitors.

It was going to be a really long ten miles.

****

Alec pulled up to the restaurant and turned off the car.

When we first got to Seaside last fall, things got so crazy that the

only place we could actually go to eat was this old run-down bed

and breakfast on the beach. It was owned by an elderly married

couple who, I swear, were alive before electricity was discovered.

Their great-grandkids were also huge fans, which meant

they didn’t think twice about closing the place down for us if we

needed it. But considering it was a bed and breakfast, it wasn’t too

crowded at dinnertime.

I grabbed Alyssa’s hand. It was warm and fit perfectly in

mine. I sighed in excitement. Everything about her felt so right. She

smiled up at me, and my heart stopped in my chest. She had no

idea what she did to me. She was so beautiful, like my own

personal light. I couldn’t help but grin back. I felt my cheeks heat.

How did a girl make me blush?

“Boys!” Old Mrs. Miller greeted us and swatted Alec with a

towel when we walked in. “I just saw you on TV a few days ago!

Are you back for good now?”

Alec grinned and pulled Mrs. Miller into a side hug. “Nope,

just here for the day, but Demetri’s here for a while. Did you know

he works at Seaside Taffy? Show her the jingle, bro.”

Damn brother and his inability to keep his mouth shut. Mrs.

Miller looked expectantly in my direction. I managed to get

through the jingle in record time. Alyssa and Nat clapped. Alec

pursed his lips together and looked away. Payback’s a bitch, and I

was going to get him one way or another.

Mrs. Miller, bless her heart, just sighed and patted my hand.

“That’s so nice, Demetri. Good for you! It’s good for a boy to

work.”

Why was everyone under the impression that I didn’t work?

I nodded and gave her a hug once Alec released her. “Where’s Mr.

Miller?”

“Oh, he saw your car pull up and knew you’d want some

dinner, so he’s firing up the grill out back.”

Excellent. And that was why I loved them. “Come on in. Sit,

sit.” It was a really warm night, even though the breeze from the

beach was a little cold.

She led us outside to the porch, so we could watch the

waves, and passed out blankets to the girls. Our chairs surrounded

the little outdoor fireplace.

“What can I get you to drink?” Mrs. Miller pulled out her

little notepad and stared at the blank page, her pencil hovering

over the paper.

“Coffee for me.” I looked to Alyssa. She tilted her head for a

minute.

“Hot chocolate?”

“Ooo, me too,” Nat agreed.

Alec ordered coffee. Straight up black coffee with no sugar,

no cream. Boring and gross, but Alec ordered food according to his

personality sometimes. I always wanted to add spice to things. He

was perfectly happy with the natural state of everything.

And this is what I mean about losing my mind. How did I

get from coffee to our personality differences? Why did I have to be

addicted to all drugs? Clearly I needed something to pull me out of

my estrogen-like state. I shuddered and had half a mind to roar or

something just to remind myself that I was a dude.

“So, how’s it going in Seaside? I mean, how is it really

going? Are things… hard?” I could tell Alec was trying to ask me

about the drugs and my depression in a covert way, but I had no

secrets from Alyssa. He shifted in his seat and sighed.

“It hasn’t been easy. Actually it’s been hell, but I’m getting

there. I feel better than I’ve ever felt and this one over here…” I

nudged Alyssa. “Has magic taffy powers. She provides me with

everything I need.”

She blushed profusely, and then I realized what I had just

alluded to. I quickly backtracked. “I mean, when it comes to like

food, not physical stuff like… shit.”

Alec’s shoulders shook from laughter. “It’s okay, I knew

what you meant.”

Nat stared at Alyssa and grinned.

“So magic taffy powers?” Alec winked at Alyssa and leaned

back in his chair, his arms crossed behind his head, making his

shirt pull up just slightly. The guy was going to give Mrs. Miller a

stroke if he didn’t keep it in his pants.

She blushed. “Don’t let him fool you. It’s not near as cool as

it sounds.” Alyssa didn’t seem the least bit affected by Alec’s

peekaboo six-pack, or the fact that he was flashing her a giant ass

smile. She tucked her head into my shoulder. I kissed her on the

hair and grinned.

“Yes. It really is,” I confirmed to Alec, fighting the urge to

tell him mine really was bigger than his. I knew he wasn’t doing it

on purpose, but sometimes I hated how much girls flocked to him.

Couldn’t he just be normal for one day, so the girl would follow me

instead of him? Did I need to take off my shirt? Belt out a song? Get

down on one knee? Oh shit, I just said knee, which meant proposal,

which meant marriage. Why were my hands sweating? I glanced at

Alyssa. Okay, it was more of a stare, a stalker stare that had me

watching every breath that escaped her perfectly bow-shaped lips.

God, I wanted to taste her again. Would I ever get enough? I

adjusted in my seat and cursed the fact that I was a guy.

Mrs. Miller came with our drinks. Alyssa closed her eyes

and took a sip. Damn, what I wouldn’t do to be hot chocolate right

now. Chocolate ran down the side of the white cup. Her pink

tongue darted out and licked the liquid as she moaned to herself. I

take everything back. I just want to be a cheap ass cup. That’s what

I want to be.

“I can tell taffy flavors by smelling the wrappers,” Alyssa

said, interrupting my ceramic daydream.

“No way!” Nat slapped her own leg. “I bet that comes in

handy.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes and took another sip of her hot

chocolate. She needed to be done with that drink before I threw

caution to the wind and mauled her. “Not really. I mean, I was able

to guess what type of taffy Demetri was eating, but that’s it.”

“Let me guess.” Alec leaned forward. “He makes you sniff

all the wrappers after he eats them to see if you’re right?”

“Every time.” Alyssa winked in my direction. My arousal

just jumped into overdrive. Watching her joke with Nat and Alec,

the two most important people in my life and then be so easy-going

while doing it. I wanted her so bad. I wanted to throw the hot

chocolate to the ground, jump onto her lap, and have my way with

her.

She sighed and tucked a piece of fallen hair behind her ear,

giving me full view of her lips and a tiny drop of hot chocolate that

was at the corner of her mouth.

I needed a cold shower stat. Desperate, I looked around for

something to distract me. Anything really. My eyes fell on Mrs.

Miller kissing her husband. He swatted her ass. She wiggled in his

arms and then did a dance I can only describe as something that

should be outlawed in every state. And arousal gone. Good. That

was easy. I cleared my throat and tried to relax. This was supposed

to be fun. I was supposed to be bonding; instead I was resorting to

staring at old people in order to keep my pants on. Hi, my name’s

Mighty, and yes. Yes, I have so incredibly fallen.

“So what else is going on? My mom says you’re leading

group therapy?” Nat asked, sufficiently changing the subject,

which I was thankful for, considering I had just thought of at least

seven different ways I could kiss Alyssa’s neck. Apparently

watching old people wasn’t as good of a distraction as I thought.

“Yup.” I leaned back in the chair. The smell of steak filled

the salty air. “I’ve only led group once. Actually our next meeting is

in a few days I don’t know. I mean, at first I kept saying no. I hate

to admit, I finally said yes, because I wanted to see Alyssa again,

but then… I don’t know. I feel like a chick saying this, but I liked it.

I mean, I liked feeling like I was helping people.”

Nat shrugged. “Demetri, you’ve always been that way, you

just never saw that about yourself.”

“Probably because you were high most the time,” Alec

interjected.

“Thanks, man.” Always good to know I had his support. He

smirked in my direction while I gave him the finger. I glanced back

at Nat and took another sip of coffee. “Anyway, it’s been really

good.”

Alyssa was silent next to me. Crap, I had totally outed her in

front of Nat and Alec. I reached for her hand. She squeezed it and

then winked at me. I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath until

she did that. Relaxing, I leaned back again and listened to the

waves.

“I like it here.” Alyssa sighed. “It’s peaceful.”

“No autographs,” Alec said.

Nat laughed. “Or panty throwing.”

“Or taffy jingles.” I lifted my cup into the air. “Cheers,

everyone.”

We all laughed and clinked glasses. After a few minutes of

silence, where I’m happy to announce Justin Bieber and One

Direction did not make a musical appearance, Mr. Miller came out

with a huge platter of food.

My stomach growled on cue.

“Okay, boys, got some steak here for you. Rare, just how you

like it. The missus cooked up some potatoes, carrots, and of course,

chicken, just in case the girls don’t want red meat.” He set the

platter down while Mrs. Miller came around and put the plates on

the tables sitting next to each of our chairs.

“Oh.” Mr. Miller held up his finger. “I almost forgot the

applesauce, I’ll be right back.”

“Applesauce?” Alyssa asked.

“Yeah, for the steak and potatoes.” Duh, it was a staple! Like

ketchup or mustard.

“Not following.” Alyssa laughed and looked at Nat. “Is he

being serious?”

Nat shook her head. “Don’t knock it till you try it. I

remember the first time Alec introduced me to applesauce at

dinner. I thought he was crazy, but it’s pretty good.”

Mr. Miller returned with a huge bowl of applesauce. I threw

it onto my plate and gave Alyssa a wink.

She scrunched her nose. “Are you really going to eat that

with your meat and potatoes?”

“It’s tradition.” I acted offended, but really I knew it wasn’t

that normal for people to put applesauce with dinner. “Actually, I

blame our Dutch friends from Canada. They used to always eat like

that when we were kids, and it just kinda stuck.”

“Hmm.” Alyssa took a spoonful of applesauce and tossed it

onto her plate. “If I hate it, I’m blaming you guys.”

“Fine.” I chuckled and cut up my meat.

“No way!” Alyssa yelled. I dropped my fork.

“What? What’s wrong?”

Her eyes lit up with astonishment. “That’s amazing!”

I took a large bite and shrugged. “So from here on out you

should just take my word for it. Demetri is always right.”

“And Demetri shouldn’t refer to himself in the third person.

It’s weird,” Alec interjected.

“Also true.” I thrust my fork into the air. “So what movie are

we seeing?”

“Romance,” Nat answered. “And before either one of you

argue with me, just know that I had to go to not one, not two, but

three movie premiers when I was with Alec, and they were all gory

action movies that made me want to bang my head against my own

hand.”

“They were pretty rough,” Alec agreed. “But he’s a cool

dude, so I wanted to support him.”

“He?” Alyssa asked tentatively.

Alec grinned. “Jamie Jaymeson. He’s from England. Girls

love him, but he sports an American accent in all his action movies.

Anyways He’s good people.”

Alyssa nodded. This was the part that made me nervous.

Everyone knew who Jaymeson was. I mean, next to Robert Pattison

he was the biggest thing to cross the Atlantic since Twilight. Did it

freak her out to know we were all friends? That it was part of our

world and would soon be part of hers too? It scared the hell out of

me when I thought of merging my life with the one in Seaside. It

didn’t fit. I wanted it to, but it was like two puzzle pieces that

weren’t cut to go together, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I looked

down at my food and sighed.

We ate the rest of our food in silence. I was too hungry to

talk, and then when I was finished I couldn’t help but stare at

Alyssa. Everything about her was sensual. The way she ate bread

was freaking sensual. I really needed to get a hold of myself if I was

going to be in the same room with her without dying.

Pretty sure I read somewhere that it could happen to a guy.

It seriously felt like it now. I cleared my throat and looked away,

even though all I wanted to do was be the creepy dude that

watched her cut her meat.

Yes. I wanted to watch her cut her meat. That was how hard

I had fallen. I dug out a piece of taffy from my pocket and popped

it into my mouth.

Jack Daniels taffy sure did take the edge off. What I

wouldn’t do for a joint.

“Movie?” Alyssa asked once the plates were cleared.

“Let’s do it,” I said, this time watching her as she stood and

stretched her little arms above her head, giving me an amazing

view of a tight little stomach. God, I was going to die this way.

Chapter Seventeen

Alyssa

The drive to the small movie theatre wasn’t too bad. The

closer we got to the narrow roads of Seaside, the easier it was for

me to remain calm about the fact that for the first time in years I

had traveled outside my tiny little hole of a town.

My chest still hurt, but I swear it was like Demetri could tell

when I would start to panic. He’d squeeze my hand, and then it

was like by squeezing my hand, he somehow pushed the fear

away.

I sighed in relief the minute we rolled back into familiar

territory.

The movie theatre wasn’t crowded, which was a double

bonus. I didn’t do crowds, and I knew Demetri and Alec would be

irritated if there were lots of teen girls running around screaming

their names and sobbing their eyes out.

They were normal guys, right? I mean, it wasn’t as if

anything about them was any different from any other guy in this

world.

I stole a glance at Demetri as he got out of the car and

stretched his arms out in front of him. Seriously, how did that

sweatshirt even fit him? It hugged every muscle in his arms. I had

no idea guys even had that many muscles in their arms, and I used

to hang out with football players all the time.

He looked my way. I felt myself blush. Caught. Crap I was

totally caught ogling the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. My mouth was

even open. Perfect. He sauntered, yes, sauntered, as in slowly

walked toward me with his hips swaying slightly back and forth. I

looked down at the ground. My eyes were screaming at me to look

at him, but I swear, in that moment I felt like if I did I would melt

into a puddle, efficiently ruining one of the best days I’ve ever had.

“Lyss? You okay?” He chuckled, tilting my chin toward him.

His smile was my addiction; it was too bright, too beautiful not to

respond to. His deep set dimples made his face light up into what I

think every woman in my position would refer to as perfection.

“Yup,” I croaked. “Just awesome.” I felt my eyebrows lift as

if to prove how totally fine I was, when really on the inside my

heart was racing like crazy.

“Mmm…” His mouth descended.

Forget what I said earlier about him being like any other

guy.

Other guys don’t kiss like that.

What do they do in Hollywood? Give kissing lessons? Teach

the art of seduction?

His tongue tasted like the Jack Daniels taffy I had given him,

sweet with a bit of salt. I opened my mouth to him as his warm

hands braced my lower back, reaching lower than what was

probably appropriate in public. He pushed me against the car and

moaned into my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck and

tried to press harder against him. It was as if I couldn’t get enough

of him.

“Dude,” Alec ground out. “We’re going to miss the movie.

You can make out later. You’re going to kill her if you keep

sweeping in like that with no warning whatsoever. She can barely

stand straight!”

Demetri pulled back chuckling. I was that girl. The girl that I

swore I’d never be. The one that would literally stalk the object of

her affection and never look back. His kiss did so many things to

me. Things that, the minute Brady died, I thought too painful to

experience again. I waited for the all too familiar stab in my chest.

But it didn’t happen. Demetri held out his hand and smiled at me.

Being with Demetri wasn’t the absence of pain. It was the

added presence of peace, making it easier and easier for that little

part of my heart to heal again.

“Your call.” Demetri smirked, kissing me softly across the

neck. “Movie or make out?”

“No. No skipping out.” Alec approached us. “Don’t listen to

him, Alyssa. He’s using his Jedi mind tricks on you. Look away!

Look away!”

I bit my lip and closed my eyes.

“Or that,” Alec said.

“Movie,” I squeaked. I hadn’t been to see in one in over a

year. I just rented everything and sat alone at my house.

No wonder I’d lost all my friends.

Demetri grabbed my hand and led me into the theatre.

It suddenly dawned on me how disappointed Brady would

be in my behavior. He’d always said I would change the world one

day with my constant cheerfulness and positive attitude.

How did I go from that person — a person I don’t even

remember being — to someone my parents put on suicide watch?

The smell of buttered popcorn bombarded my senses as we

made our way past the ticket counter. The boys wouldn’t let Nat or

me pay. Which was weird for me. The only person I’d ever dated

before was Brady. We were such good friends that I never wanted

to take advantage of him. We always went Dutch. Until now, I’d

never understood how good it felt to have someone treat me.

My smile was huge. I couldn’t help it. Demetri walked up to

the candy counter and scanned the glass. “One box of Swedish

Fish, a bag of Gummi Worms, two bags of plain M&M’s and three

sodas.”

“Are we feeding an army?” I nudged him as he paid for the

candy and pop.

He grinned and nudged me back. “Nope, just a recovering

drug addict with a very serious candy addiction.”

“Thanks, bro.” Alec swiped the Swedish Fish away from

Demetri and opened the bag, dangling a fish in front of Nat. She

blushed and kissed him before tossing it into her mouth.

“Never mind them. Swedish Fish are kinda their thing.”

Demetri smirked and wrapped his arm around me.

“And worms are yours?” I asked.

“Worms, taffy, soda, Alyssa…” His voice trailed off.

“Too bad I don’t fit in your pocket and give you a cavity.” I

sighed.

“You’re short enough to, let’s be honest. And while you

couldn’t give me a cavity, you make me want to taste you every

second I’m with you.” He licked his lips and grinned.

“Oh.” I felt my cheeks heat as I looked away. Thankfully the

movie theatre was somewhat dim, thanks to the crappy lights they

used. Otherwise, I would have been embarrassed over the fact that

I was blushing like a fool.

We found the right theatre and went to the back. The

previews started just as we sat down.

I should have known my perfect day would end horribly.

The screen went green, and then the first preview started.

My chest tightened as I watched the preview unfold. The

story so similar to my own. Girl and boy fall in love. Boy dies, but

not before getting girl pregnant, and then she’s shunned by her

friends until the new boy in school takes her under his wing.

The new boy is a football player.

I smiled at the relationship between the two.

And then that guy gets in a horrible accident, leaving her

wondering if she would be left alone again without her love. My

breathing was erratic, that much I knew. I tried to close my eyes,

but the screeching of metal hitting metal was suddenly too much

for me.

I ran out of the theatre, tears streaming down my face. Crap.

Why did I have to cry now, when everything finally felt normal? As

if it was going to be fine.

I ran right into Sam, who was standing with Aaron. “Hey,

you okay, Alyssa?”

“Fine,” I mumbled then pushed past them. My vision

blurred as I tried to get to the women’s restroom in time. I felt like I

was going to pass out. The sound of the crash played over and over

again in my head.

The way I held his broken body, the way my hands looked

so tiny trying to do compressions against his chest.

But it wasn’t enough.

It hadn’t been enough.

I tried to get him to breathe, to get him to do something.

“Brady! Stay with me, Brady! It’s going to be okay! Help is on the

way. Can you hear me, Brady?” I tried to speak softly even though I

wanted to scream.

“Brady?”

I tried to feel for a pulse, but there was too much blood, and my

fingers kept slipping. I pulled his shirt open and continued doing

compressions, even though he was lying back in his seat. It was a blessing

that at least something was holding his spine in place.

I tried so hard to breathe into his mouth, but it was as if I didn’t

have enough breath.

“Brady? Brady!” That time I yelled, hitting his chest harder.

His eyes flickered open.

“Beautiful,” he whispered, his voice hoarse.

“I love you, Brady. Stay with me, okay? Can you keep your eyes

open?”

He mumbled something else, and blood trickled out of his mouth.

Oh God, there was so much blood. His hand reached for mine. I didn’t

know if I should stop and hold it or keep going.

I kept going.

He had to live.

I needed him to live. My heart was breaking in two. I would have

taken his spot in a second.

“Brady? You still with me?” I tried to keep my voice light as I

heard sirens in the distance. Thank God.

“Will always…” He coughed up more blood.

“Will always what?” The ambulance had just arrived.

“Love you.” He exhaled one last time as the door was torn open.

“Ma’am, are you okay?” The paramedics kept talking and talking,

but all I heard were Brady’s last words. All I saw was blood, and all I felt

was empty.

I fell to the ground, forgetting I was at the movie theatre

right in front of the girl’s bathroom.

Voices were muffled behind me, but it was as if I couldn’t

hear what they were saying. I clawed at the door. Why wouldn’t it

open? I couldn’t have a meltdown in front of the whole town!

Strong arms picked me up to my feet embracing me from

behind. “Shhh,” Demetri whispered in my ear.

Was I crying?

I touched my face. It was wet.

“How’d you find me?” I whispered hoarsely, refusing to

turn around and look at him.

“Sam and Aaron said you ran by them toward the women’s

restroom.”

I nodded. My heart beat slowly, reminding me that I had

life, when all I wanted to do was crumble into a tiny ball and die.

Why was this still so hard? Was it because I refused to forget him?

But by forgetting him, I lost him. I didn’t know what to do.

I turned in Demetri’s arms and wept against his chest. He

brought out the vulnerability in me. I both hated and loved it.

“Do you want to talk?” he asked after a few minutes.

I wiped some tears from underneath my eyes and shrugged.

“Let me text Alec and let him know what’s going on. We can

walk back. It’s only a few miles, and it will give us time to talk,

okay?”

I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I nodded.

Chapter Eighteen

Demetri

She was a damn mess. I mean I knew what she’d been

through, but only because the guys in group had filled me in.

Maybe it was worse than I thought. I cursed, and rather than

texting Alec, thought it might be best to explain things in person, so

he didn’t think I was off doing who knows what. I jogged into the

theatre to locate my brother.

“We’re gonna go,” I whispered once I found Alec.

He gave me a confused look. I shook my head, my way of

saying leave it alone. I mean, he and I had our own deal of shitty

baggage we had to deal with. Hell, I was still dealing with some of

mine, but this girl… I don’t know. There was something about her,

something more that was spiraling her into the anxiety I saw in her

eyes. I knew what it felt like to be so lost all you wanted to do was

allow the darkness to consume you until you breathed your last

breath.

“We’ll come back and see you for your birthday.” Alec gave

me a pat on my back. Nat teared up.

She was always tearing up when we all had to part ways. I

knew it was hard on her to leave her home and to leave me. She

was always worried I was going to fall back into bad habits.

Poor thing.

She reached over and squeezed my hand then whispered,

“Don’t be an ass, Demetri. I like this one.”

Ah, Nat. Why I fell in love with her in the first place, that

damn honesty. “Thanks, Nat.”

I ran back down the stairs and went in search of Alyssa.

She was standing next to the exit, her arms protectively

wrapped around her frail body.

“Ready?” I held out my hand. Without answering, she took

it. At least she wasn’t crying anymore.

We walked at least a mile in silence.

Damn. I hated that type of silence. The kind that’s so thick

with emotion you nearly choke every time you try to breathe.

My eyes searched the landscape as I struggled for breath.

Even though we lived in Malibu, nothing really compared to the

way the Pacific Ocean smelled in Oregon. The climate sucked hard,

but when it was nice, it was one of my favorite places in the world.

Not that I would ever tell Nat or Alec that. They’d think I was back

on drugs for sure.

“So,” I bravely spoke into the chasm of silence between us.

“Was it the preview?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?” I looked away. Maybe if I wasn’t focusing all my

attention on her like she was some sort of broken bird, she would

feel freer to speak her mind.

“It was the sound.”

“The music to the preview? I thought One Direction was

your new favorite band.” My ploy at joking didn’t work. No smile.

Nothing. Not even a blink.

Right.

“The sound of metal hitting metal.” Her lower lip quivered.

She bit down on it hard and looked at her feet as we walked.

I suck. Seriously, how did I not get that? Shit. I didn’t know

what to do. I was so out of my element. I was like my own broken

Humpty-Dumpty, still trying to put myself back together. How the

hell was I supposed to glue her pieces together when I was still

trying to find mine?

“At risk of sounding like a complete loser and making you

pissed, I think you should talk about what happened, or just talk

about him.” God, how I hated him in that moment. What the hell

did he do to her?

She was silent for a while. I grabbed her hand as we reached

the first bridge and crossed over. She stopped right in the middle

and leaned over it.

“Brady was perfect.”

Okay, so maybe I lied. I don’t want to compete with a ghost.

I mean, how do you compete with perfect? I can’t even compete

with Alec. Hello, insecurity, thy name is Demetri.

“Perfect how?” Seriously, the guy was dead, and I still

wanted to kill him. How terrible of a person was I? I knew I was

going crazy. I mean, if he was standing right here all I could

imagine doing was pushing him off the bridge and telling him to

stay the hell away from Alyssa. To stop hurting her so that I could

have her. Selfishness, thy name is also Demetri.

It’s not about me. It’s not about me, I chanted in my head as she

smiled and shrugged. “He was the best quarterback our town had

ever seen.”

I bet he was.

“He drove around in a beat-up old van that he and the

football team finally turned into a tailgating van. They painted a

Seagull on the side of it and everything.”

“A Seagull?” I laughed. “Lame.”

“Um, Demetri?” Alyssa pointed to my sweatshirt. “It’s kind

of the mascot.”

And I’m an idiot. “Wow, I guess I never noticed. As Alec

said, I did spend half the school year high.”

Alyssa cracked a smile and exhaled loudly. “Anyway,

everyone loved him.”

“Did you?” I knew I was basically setting myself up for

being hurt, but it seemed important. I didn’t want to be that guy

anymore. The one that chases a girl he can’t have. The guy who

wants the girl to fill in the gaping holes in his life.

“I do.” She shook her head. “I mean, I did.”

And there’s my answer. Shit.

I know guys aren’t supposed to get all emotional about this

stuff, but again, up until the past six months, I’ve basically been

hiding my emotions behind drugs and alcohol, so right now

everything just feels raw.

Instead of pushing the rejection away or hiding behind a

cocky grin and walking away, I could only stand there and tell

myself it was better that way. Better to know before I got too

involved.

But I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t lie to her. I was way in

over my head, and I hated that the guy who had her heart didn’t

even have the decency to allow her to let it go. I knew it wasn’t his

fault he died, but the ass in me kinda blamed him. Because I

couldn’t compete with a star quarterback. I mean, I’m famous. But

someone who’s dead? Someone who this perfect girl held in such

high esteem? Yeah, it wasn’t gonna happen.

“I’m sorry, Lyss.” I put my arm around her and memorized

the way it felt to hold her. Most likely that would be my last time.

Not because I was going to go crazy and try to kill myself, but

because there was no way I could win this.

None.

“It was my fault you know,” Alyssa said against my chest.

“Everyone blamed Connor for so long, but no one else was there.

No one else knew what happened.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any more. I rubbed her back

and cursed in my head as she kept talking. “He told me he loved

me. We’d pulled over because he wanted to kiss me and was

excited about our future. I mean, that’s what we were talking

about. Our future. I didn’t know that within the next fifteen

minutes it would get stolen from us.”

“How is that your fault, Lyss?” I whispered in her hair. It

smelled like coconut. I closed my eyes an inhaled.

“Because I’m not stupid. It was raining and Highway 101

always has accidents because of all the curves. We should have

kept driving. Instead, I kept kissing him and distracting him.”

What a way to die. I mean, I’m not trying to be insensitive,

but wow. I can only imagine how much she would distract me

while driving. “I’d probably pull over too.”

“You would?”

“Huh?” Crap. Did I say that out loud?

“You’d pull over too?”

“Well…” Shit, shit, shit. “Sorry, Lyss. I’m just being honest.

If you were my girlfriend, and we were kissing and talking about

exciting stuff, I’d probably want more time with you. I probably

wouldn’t have even made it to the car, because I would have locked

you in your room until graduation.”

“Really?” She perked up.

“Lyss, look at me.”

She swallowed and looked up, bright blue eyes shining with

tears. I kissed each cheek and sighed. “To me, it doesn’t really get

better than this.”

“Than what?” She scrunched up her nose.

I pulled her hand into mine and kissed her lightly across the

lips, then on each cheek again and then each hand, taking my time

inhaling her skin as I licked its smoothness and memorized the way

it felt against mine. “This, Alyssa. It doesn’t get better than this,

than you.”

Her eyes welled with tears.

Great. Must I always make girls cry?

While I was sitting there berating myself for being an ass,

her eyes lit up. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me

hard on the mouth.

I wanted to kiss him away. To make her forget him, to make

her heart beat in tune with mine.

And suddenly, as her mouth worked its way down my neck,

I realized for a split second what life would be like without her in

it. Empty. Maybe I couldn’t compete with a ghost, but I could sure

as hell try.

Chapter Nineteen

Alyssa

I didn’t deserve him. I was sitting there sobbing my eyes out

over a guy I just told him I still loved, and he treated me like I was

his princess. He treated me like I wasn’t broken.

And I was. So incredibly, irrevocably broken.

His mouth did crazy things to mine as he tilted my head

back and kissed my neck. Brady never kissed my neck much. I

really liked it. I liked how his lips blazed a possessive trail near my

chin, how his eyes hooded when he watched me. It would be

impossible for me to get tired of the way he makes my body ache,

the way he makes every part of my skin feel more sensitive.

And again I’m reminded, as he pulled away and kissed the

top of my head, I didn’t deserve him. He was shattered enough

without adding me to the mess. We would destroy each other. How

do two people heal together when they can’t even heal apart from

one another?

“We should talk.” I told my mouth to stop moving, to throw

my arms around his neck and tell him I love him. I mean, I wasn’t

sure if love was the right word, but when I thought about being

apart from him, the darkness seemed to close in around me. I

needed my sun. I needed him. But it’s like keeping a shiny toy you

know doesn’t belong to you. You give it back, so it can be enjoyed

by someone more deserving. I didn’t deserve two amazing boys in

the span of two years. I certainly didn’t deserve a rich rock star

who wrote songs about me.

“We are talking.” He pulled me into his side, and we

continued to walk.

“About us,” I said it fast, like ripping off a bandage. We only

had about a mile left to go, before we would be back to where I

took the turn for my house.

I felt his arm tense around my shoulders. “What do you

mean?”

“I mean —” Crap. I don’t know how to do this. “Maybe it’s

just not the right time, you know?”

He stopped and pulled me in for a hot mind-blowing kiss

then set me back to my feet again. “It’s always the right time.”

With Demetri, that could very well be true. And again, why

did his kisses make me forget everything?

He grinned and leaned down for another kiss. His lips

pressed against mine; the warmth of his mouth made my knees

weak. Damn. I needed to get away from him before I made things

worse. I stepped away and sighed. “Look, I just think I need more

time to work through some of my issues. It’s not you.”

Demetri’s eyes widened and then closed for a painful two

seconds in which I almost took back what I’d just said. When he

opened them again, I saw a different Demetri, one that I’d never

seen before.

I kept talking. “It’s me. Like I said, I have a lot of stuff I’m

still dealing with, and I’m just dragging you down, and well, I just I

don’t want to get involved with anyone. So can we just like hang

only sometimes and not be anything more?” There I said it. He

could walk away without feeling guilty. I didn’t need to be fixed.

Not when I saw the same look in his eyes that I saw every day in

the mirror.

His eyes darkened. I took another step back. He shook his

head firmly. “No.”

“No?” Whoa! Where did easy-going Demetri disappear to?

This guy looked more intense, more like his brother. Did they do

some mind-changing thing I wasn’t aware of? Crap. It’s like telling

a lost puppy just to go home, but instead it follows you until you

cave. Why was he making this so hard? I needed him to leave. If he

didn’t leave, I would break, and if I broke I would never have any

hope of being whole again.

Making a snap decision, I kept walking and refused to turn

around…

I felt him behind me. Finally I stopped once we were in the

middle of downtown.

“What?” I snapped.

“No.” Demetri shook his head slowly. “I won’t leave you

alone. I won’t abandon you. I’m sure as hell not going to listen to

you, and you can damn well know that I’m going to fight for you.”

I think my heart just faltered. I blinked a few times to see if

he would start laughing or break out of whatever insane mood he

was in. Instead, he very politely walked me the rest of the way to

my house, said goodnight, and left me at my door.

What just happened? I walked to my room and slammed the

door behind me. I’m pretty sure he just told me no, as in, No. I’m

not going to allow you to self-destruct and push me away. What guy

does that? I mean, his speech was hot. It was the type of thing you

see on TV or read about in books. The prince pursues the princess

and they live happily ever after.

Silly Demetri. He of all people should know that Happily

Ever Afters didn’t exist. It made me sad. I wanted to be a part of his

life. I wanted so many things, but I couldn’t see a world where we

could both exist without ending up hurt, and I was done with

being hurt.

****

Demetri

I walked home pissed. I slammed the screen door and ran up

the stairs, taking them two at a time. I knew Alec and Nat were

probably just getting out of the movie. I dialed Alec’s number and

waited.

“How’d it go?”

“Shitty,” I answered and threw the stupid Seaside sweatshirt

across the room.

“What happened?” I could tell he was walking, because I

heard the car alarm go off and then the doors unlock.

“She told me we needed time apart. That it was too much,

you know, the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me garbage.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be.”

“I’m confused. Aren’t you pissed?”

“I’m more than pissed, and I even told her so. I kind of told

her no.”

Alec was silent, and then, “Dude, when did you grow a

pair?”

“Last night in my sleep, you ass. Now listen, I kind of got

angry with her and went all protective barbarian he-man.” I still

couldn’t believe I’d raised my voice at her and refused to give up.

“Did you pound your chest and roar?”

I laughed. “Tempted to, but no.”

“Then you’re good.”

“That’s it?” I cursed. “No words of wisdom from the older,

happier, non-drug-addicted brother?”

Alec cleared his throat. “Love her.”

“How do you love a person who doesn’t even love

themselves or see how their behavior is self-destructive?” Whoa.

And suddenly the giant light exploded in my head. So that’s what

all that therapy was about. How do you let others in when you

can’t even look in the mirror? The answer is, you can’t. But

hopefully by showing them that they are lovable, they will start to

see the truth.

“You still there, man?” Alec asked.

“Yeah, um, I gotta go.” I pressed end and threw on a Henley

shirt and put my phone in my pocket.

I had a girl to kiss.

Chapter Twenty

Demetri

Note to self, this looked way easier in the movies and music

videos. Why the hell was I shimmying up this girl’s house, when a

normally sane person would go through the door? I mean, come

on. It was ten. Nobody went to bed at ten. I was sure her parents

were still up watching Wheel of Fortune or crap reality TV.

My foot slipped, making my face slam against the roof.

I waited for a few seconds before continuing my climb. I

really hoped that was her room, because if it wasn’t, I was probably

going to get arrested. But it was the only room with the light on

upstairs, and I heard the TV downstairs. I just figured she’d be the

sulking type.

I mean, I was the king of all sulking. I noticed it in others.

Finally, I reached the window and peered in. Yes, I peered in

like the creepy stalker I was.

Alyssa was leaning back against her bed listening to music.

Well, that was a plus. At least she was listening to music. Though,

seriously if I had to tour with Justin Bieber or One Direction the

next year I was going to shit a brick. I could not, and I repeat, could

not handle competition in my fragile state. Especially if she liked

them. I may have to steal her iPod. Great, now I was stealing.

I knocked on the window.

She jerked her head in my direction, her mouth dropped

open, and then she pulled a blanket around her.

Holy hell, she was wearing the tiniest shorts I’d ever had the

pleasure of seeing. They were white. Damn. Parents should warn

their daughters about what wearing white does to guys. It

immediately makes me want to peel them off of her. Her small

black tank top wasn’t helping matters. The tank top said Cheer.

You can take the girl away from cheerleading, but

apparently can’t take cheerleading away from the girl. What the

crap? Did I really just say that in my head? I should probably be on

meds.

I knocked again.

She glared and shook her head no.

I lifted my shirt and showed her my abs.

She laughed. See? I could be funny and relaxed.

With a very exaggerated eye roll, she walked over to the

window and opened it up. I slipped in and immediately kissed her

on the mouth, not caring that she was probably going to slap me

any second.

Instead, she kissed me back.

I lifted her up into my arms and pulled her against me. She

wrapped her arms around my neck and let out a tiny moan.

It was my undoing.

I gently placed her back on her feet and went to close the

window. I grabbed her arm and led her to the bed where I pushed

her up against it.

“Why are you here?” she asked between kisses.

I chose to ignore all questions, considering all I really

wanted were my hands everywhere on her body. They had a mind

of their own as they roamed across her smooth skin, lifting her shirt

just enough to give me a tease of her flat stomach.

“Demetri.” She pushed against me. This time I relented.

“I can’t let you go,” I whispered.

“What?” She tried to back away from me but she was

trapped between my body and the bed. She wasn’t going

anywhere.

“I mean…” I snuck in another kiss. “You can push all you

want, but I’m not going anywhere.” I grabbed a fistful of her hair

and let it fall between my fingers. The air filled with the smell of

coconut.

“Even if that’s what’s best for me?”

“You don’t know what’s best for you.” I shook my head. “If

you had it your way, you’d still be sitting alone in your room

wearing Brady’s old sweatshirts and flipping through your high

school yearbook. Alyssa, that’s not life. This, what you’re living,

isn’t real.”

Her eyes flashed, and she pushed against my chest. “What

makes you the expert? Huh? You have no idea! I mean, you said so

yourself! You lost your girlfriend, but you weren’t even with her at

the time! You don’t understand!”

I could tell I was pushing her toward the edge, and even

though what she said hurt, I knew that if I didn’t allow her to snap

she would stay in her tiny little bubble and never fulfill whatever

her purpose was for her life.

She reminded me of baby eagles; the moms push them out

of the nest the in hopes they will learn to fly. The babies constantly

fall, but eventually after one final push, they make it and learn to

survive on their own.

Alyssa needed to get out of her nest.

Shit. I needed to get out of my nest. Everything I said to her I

was saying to myself too. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and live your

life, you ass!

Sometimes, when love pushes you, it’s time to pull until you

snap. I was going to be the catalyst for that, why? Because I cared,

possibly loved her too much to see her continue this way.

“You’re being selfish,” I said, releasing her body so she

could get away from me. “You think living like this is protecting

his memory? Would he want this from you? Would he want you to

sit in his sweatshirt every night crying over him? Would he be

proud of the life you lived, Alyssa?”

“Stop, just stop!” Alyssa started sobbing. “I hate you! Just

leave me alone!”

“No, you think you’re the only one in the entire freaking

universe who’s ever experienced pain and loss. How selfish of a

mindset do you have to have to believe that? Hmm? What about

his parents? Do you even know what it’s like to lose a child?”

“Of course not! And neither do you!”

I swallowed and tried to calm my heart, but it was still

racing. “Actually, I do.” I approached her with my hands up as I

felt tears well in my eyes. “And believe me, it really was my fault.

All my fault. The entire thing. I did it. A mess of my own making,

and a little boy died because of it. He would have been my son. I

mean, I was going to help her raise the baby even though he wasn’t

mine. Even though he was my brother’s. So betrayal? Lies? Losing

a child? Yeah, I think I get it, Lyss. So next time you start to feel

sorry for yourself, next time you allow yourself to feel the raw pain

of guilt, maybe you should think just for a second that the world is

only what you make it. You live in hell because you choose it.”

“And what are you offering?” Alyssa turned away. “Heaven

in your arms.” Her lips pulled back into a scowl.

“No.” I shook my head and sat on her bed. “I’m offering you

peace.”

Tear streamed down her face as she walked up to me and

slapped me hard across the cheek. It stung, but she was tiny, and I

knew she was just acting out. It broke my heart into a million

pieces to see her hurt like that.

“Do you feel better, now?” Hit me. I wanted to scream, Hit

me! If my pain would cause her relief, I was ready for it. I wanted it.

“No.” She cried into her hands. “I’m sorry. I just reacted. I

just…” She fell to the floor. “I’m just so messed up.”

I knelt down next to her and pulled her into my lap.

“Welcome to the land of the living, sweetheart. Everyone’s messed

up. It’s what makes us human.”

She shook in my arms. I whispered things in her ear and

rubbed her head as she sank into my arms.

“I just…” she sighed. “I just need to fix things. I want to feel

like myself again. I don’t want to be broken, but then I’m afraid

that if I get fixed —”

“You’ll forget him,” I answered for her.

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “The pain sucks, but it’s better than

forgetting him like everyone else does. I feel crazy sometimes, like

I’m the only one who cares about what happened. Everyone else

just keeps moving on with life, and I feel like I can’t because I feel

so guilty all the time.”

“He wouldn’t want you to,” I answered using my thumbs to

rub away the tears from her cheeks. “Believe me, he loved you. I

mean, who wouldn’t? I love you, and you’re kind of a mess…”

Holy crap. I just admitted that out loud, and I believed every

word, because it was true.

Her eyes got really wide and then she looked away from me.

“I don’t feel very lovable.”

“Okay, get ready because I’m going to only do this once.”

“Huh?”

“I’m going to act really smart right now. I’m just preparing

you, because it doesn’t happen often. If you want to take a picture

to document it, I’m okay with it, just don’t sell it online.”

“You’re insane.” She giggled through her tears.

I shrugged, because really, she kind of made me feel insane.

“Some scientists did this psychological experiment with dogs—”

“Did you just say psychological?”

“Shut up and listen,” I ordered and cleared my throat. “My

mind is a little fuzzy on the particulars, but scientists would put a

dog in a box, and then put a divider in the middle with its food on

the other side. The scientists wouldn’t necessarily abuse the dog,

but they would shock it over and over again each time it crossed

into the other part of the box. Finally, they stopped shocking it, and

showed the dog that it was safe, that it could cross over and get its

food, but it refused to move. Even though there wasn’t a threat

anymore, even though everything was fine. It’s a type of classical

conditioning. You get burned so much that even when there isn’t

any danger, you cower in the corner.” Wow. I can’t believe I

remembered that from last year’s psychology class.

“Am I the dog?” Alyssa asked quietly.

Crap, probably a bad comparison. “You are like the dog,

Lyss. You’ve been so scared for so long that even though there isn’t

any danger anymore, you still pretend there is, so you refuse to

leave the box and experience anything. What do you think happens

to the dog when it can’t get its food and water?”

“It dies.”

“Your soul isn’t meant to be in constant pain, Lyss.” I

rubbed her head again and sighed. “Your heart isn’t meant to stay

in pieces, and you sure as hell aren’t meant to mourn your dead

boyfriend for the rest of your days.” She was silent for a really long

time. I kept wondering if I screwed up, if I possibly pushed her too

far.

Her knees cracked as she got up and held out her hand to

me. “Will you stay the night?”

Seriously? I tried to keep my face from looking too shocked.

Tried, and failed as I felt my smile widen. “Yeah, that would be

nice, but what about your parents?”

Alyssa went to her door and locked it. “They’d probably be

so excited I was socializing with someone my own age that they’d

feed you breakfast. But I’ll lock this just in case.”

I followed her to the bed and helped toss the pillows off.

Honestly, and I’d never admit this out loud, I was so freaking

exhausted that I wasn’t really thinking about sex. I just wanted to

hold her. I sighed. If Alec could see me now.

She turned off the lights and joined me in bed, tucking her

head right underneath my chin. “Thanks, Demetri.”

“For what?” I wrapped my arm around her and closed my

eyes.

“For saying no.”

Chapter Twenty-one

Alyssa

I woke up relaxed. I yawned and then stretched my arms

above my head, accidently hitting something warm next to me.

“Thanks.” Demetri’s voice was deep and sexy with sleep. “I

love getting hit in my sleep.”

I laughed groggily and nestled back into his arms, resting

my head against his massive shoulder. “What time is it?”

“Time for more sleep,” he grumbled and then pulled me into

his body so we fit perfectly together. His lips found my neck and

soon I forgot all about sleep, all about anything except for the way

he made me feel. Safe and loved.

“This your idea of sleep?” I moaned as his hands dipped

beneath my shirt.

“Absolutely,” Demetri said between kisses. “The way I see

it.” His teeth tugged at my ear. “Is if I say I’m sleeping right now,

then I won’t get in trouble for doing this…” His hands cupped my

butt, rocking me closer to him. Warmth spread through my body

and then a knock came at the door.

“Shit.” Demetri sighed. “Sleep was just starting to get good.”

“Alyssa!” My dad shouted. “It’s time for work and you have

group therapy tonight! Get up!”

Demetri laughed and tossed a pillow in my direction

mimicking my dad’s words. Then he winked. “Your group leader

says stay in bed. Don’t make me punish you.”

I blushed and shook my head at him before laughing.

“Alyssa? Is someone in there with you?”

Demetri looked at the door and froze. “Crap, is this the part

where they break down the door and your dad chases me while I

run down the street with no pants on?”

“Probably.” I shrugged happily.

“Cool. On that note…” He jumped out of bed giving me full

view of his perfectly sculpted body. Damn his abs. With a seductive

wink, one that made my insides turn to mush, he threw on his shirt

and proceeded to shimmy — his words not mine — out the

window and down to the ground.

“You sure that’s safe?” I whispered out to him.

“Nope.” Demetri laughed. “It’s an adventure. I’m an

adventurous guy, just ask…” Lots of cursing followed as he slid, or

technically fell, the last five feet to the ground.

I had unlocked my bedroom door when I’d got up to go to

the restroom last night, which my dad just discovered as he pushed

his way into my room and looked around suspiciously. Geez,

you’d think he’d be encouraging me to socialize. Then again,

having a guy in my bed probably wasn’t his idea of socializing —

though it very well might be my new favorite thing.

I blushed as my dad’s eyes scanned the bed; the duvet was

pushed away and fell onto the floor in a pool, and both pillows

looked used. I blinked at him and waited for him to begin asking

questions. Instead, he rubbed his head, saying something under his

breath and then walked out of the room.

I exhaled in relief and texted Demetri.

COAST IS CLR.

He texted me back.

COME OUTSDE.

I threw on a long sleeve Henley over my tank top and ran

down the stairs to find Demetri standing at my door.

“What are you doing?” My eyes scanned his bed hair and

cocky grin as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and lifted his

shoulders.

“I forgot something.”

I examined him further. He was wearing all his clothes.

“Not clothes,” he answered, reading my mind.

I squinted against the sun and lifted my hand to my

forehead so I could see him clearly.”Okay, it’s too early to argue.

What did you lose and how can I help you find it?”

He took a step closer to me and then another and another

until we were nearly chest to chest. My knees felt weak as he

wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me full on the

mouth. I fell into him, easily trapped by his magnetism.

“Your morning kiss,” he said pulling away. “Good morning,

Alyssa.”

Okay, so I know swooning doesn’t really happen, but I

could have sworn in that moment that my legs gave way, that my

body swayed into his, and that I seriously saw fireworks go off in

the sky as he bent and kissed my hand tenderly then jogged away.

“Who was that?” My dad said from behind me, scaring the

crap out of my frozen moment in time.

“I, uh—” What was he? My boyfriend? No, that would be

crazy, wouldn’t it? “He’s my good friend.”

“How old is he?” Dad crossed his arms and gazed out

toward the street. Clearly he hadn’t seen Demetri’s face, otherwise

he would have known exactly who he was talking about.

“Thirty,” I answered deadpan.

“What!” The tiny vein in my dad’s forehead looked like it

was going to pop. Ah, it had been too long since I’d seen him show

any sort of emotion except pity around me.

I slapped him on the back. “Don’t worry, Dad. I know what

I’m doing. We’ve got a plan. First he’s going to move in here with

us, you know to be smart and save money. And then we hope to

get married and start a family, possibly build a second wing on the

house. He just got out of jail, so it should be hard for him to find

work, but hey, we have the taffy shop!”

“Thirty?” Dad repeated, obviously still stuck on the whole

age thing.

I nodded.

“Wait. What?” Dad shook his head and then finally looked

down at my face. I was grinning like an idiot.

Dad’s eyes narrowed. “Very funny.”

I sighed. “I sure thought so.”

“Great to see you’ve got your sense of humor back,” he

grumbled then placed his hand over his chest. “I thought I was

going to have a heart attack.”

“I keep you young.” I pointed my finger in his face and

laughed again.

And that’s when my dad burst into tears.

“Dad!” I reached for him, but he stepped away from me and

wiped his eyes. “I’ve been so damn worried about you, Alyssa.”

I sighed and reached for my dad’s hand. He took my hand

then and pulled me into a hug. “I love you. I’ve just worried

that…”

“Dad, I’m not going to kill myself.” My face was pressed

against his chest so hard that my voice was muffled.

He exhaled a long, slow breath. I stepped back. “I know.”

He held my hands in his. “But you aren’t the same person you were

a few years back. You used to smile.”

“I smile,” I said defensively.

“You rarely smile,” Dad pointed out. “You work longer

hours than mom and I, and you don’t have any friends.”

Why did people keep reminding me I didn’t have friends? I

nodded solemnly and shrugged. “I have Demetri now.”

“Do you think it’s smart to have only one friend who’s a

boy? What about girls? Don’t girls need that sort of thing?”

“I have Mom.”

Dad rolled his eyes. “Family doesn’t count.”

“I met Nat Murray yesterday. She’s pretty cool. And I met

Holly at group therapy. Maybe we can all hang out sometime.” I

gave him a firm nod and then punched him in the shoulder. “Cheer

up, Dad. I’m going to be fine.”

I walked slowly up the stairs to my dad saying “I can’t lose

you again” under his breath.

The thing was, I didn’t want to get lost again either. I

wanted to remember today, remember how it felt to be in Demetri’s

arms. To tell him all my secrets and have him give it to me straight.

I should have been mad at him, but he was so brutally honest with

me. More honest than anyone, Mrs. Murray included, had been

about my situation. He called me selfish. ME! The girl who watched

her boyfriend die as she tried to save his life.

I never thought of my grief as being selfish. In my own little

world it was like this little trophy I kept in honor of Brady, in honor

of his accomplishments and everything he was to me. It never once

occurred to me that by holding on to him, I was selfishly holding

onto my past and refusing to move on.

When I walked into my room, it hit me — a wave of reality.

My eyes scanned the area. The Justin Bieber poster was still on my

door, Brady’s sweatshirt was on the floor. My pom-poms sat

untouched in the corner, pictures of Brady and me littered one side

of the room, and yearbooks sat at the foot of my bed.

My room was like a tomb, a memorial.

No wonder I hadn’t been able to let go.

I looked at my cell. I only had about an hour before work. It

wasn’t much, but it was enough time to at least start what I should

have done years ago.

Heal.

Chapter Twenty-two

Demetri

I sang as I walked back to my house. I’m not even ashamed

to admit it. Sure, I got a few weird looks, but I didn’t care. Hell,

they were getting a free concert as far as I was concerned. I mean, I

know I hadn’t sung in front of people in a while, the taffy corner

didn’t count, but I was still a rock star, right?

I did a little dance move as I jogged up to my door and

belted out the last part of the song before spinning around in a

circle.

The door opened wide, revealing a very stoic looking Bob.

“You high?”

“On life.” I nodded and lifted my hand for a high five.

Bob shook his head and shoved past me. “I’m going to run

to the store. Think you can stay out of trouble for a few hours?”

I nodded. “My virtue will stay intact, this I swear. If any

women scream and throw their bras at me, I promise to keep my

pants on. If they touch me, I’ll scream rape.”

“Can’t rape the willing…” Bob smirked. “But I wasn’t

talking about the women. Clearly you’ve been seeing Miss Alyssa

again, if that giant smile is any indicator. I was talking about, you

know… the stuff that came today.”

“Stuff? As in, presents? Clothes? Food? What stuff?”

The vein in Bob’s head twitched. “You don’t know? Haven’t

you checked any of your messages on your cell?”

“No.” To be honest I forgot all about my cell. I reached into

my back pocket and pulled it out. “Shit. How do I have thirty

missed calls?”

“Yes, well, if you don’t mind stepping out of the clouds for a

minute, I’ll explain.” Bob was the best security you could ask for,

almost like a real human, if you ignored the fact that he looked like

a really pissed off Navy Seal.

“Shoot.” I crossed my arms.

“Short version.” Bob cleared his throat. “You’re

everywhere.”

“Dude, I’m famous, kind of goes with the territory.”

“No, you misunderstand me, you’re everywhere.”

“Care to explain?” My phone buzzed in my hand again. It

was Alec. “Hold on. What’s up, bro?”

“Finally!” he yelled, and then whispered. “I got ahold of

him.”

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?”

“Turn on the TV,” Alec grumbled. I looked to Bob. He

followed me back in the house. The same house I had left not

twenty-four hours earlier looked transformed. Bottles of

champagne-filled baskets were everywhere. I ground my teeth and

flipped on the entertainment channel.

“The big news today, Demetri Daniels! Singer turned reality

star!”

“Am I getting punked?” I said into the phone.

Alec laughed. “I wish, man, I wish. Nope, it seems there

were some ulterior motives with having us stay in Seaside for our

break.”

“No shit.” I closed my eyes and counted to five as the

woman on TV continued talking.

“It’s finally confirmed that the new reality show Seaside is in

the works for Demetri! Who knew the kid could be so entertaining!

Cameras have been following him around for the past month.

Apparently, the studio had been planning on doing a reality show

for some time, but since AD2 took a hiatus for some much needed

emotional rest, it looked as if it would fall through. But recent

sources say the show is back on!”

“I didn’t agree to this.” I sat on the couch and cursed again.

“Alec, you know I didn’t agree to this.”

“Neither did I. Doesn’t mean it isn’t gonna happen, bro. I’ve

been on the phone with our publicist all day. Apparently it’s been

in the works for a while. Somehow it was leaked to the media, and

now, well, now that the clips of you walking around Seaside with

Alyssa have gone viral, the record company is salivating.”

“Thus the champagne.” I groaned.

“You’re drinking?” Alec yelled into the phone.

“No. But there’s enough alcohol in this house to kill an

elephant, that’s for sure. I’ll have Bob get rid of it.”

“Demetri…” Alec sounded worried.

“Bro, I can handle pressure okay? I’ve got taffy, and it’s

possible I slept with Alyssa last night.”

“In a bed?”

“No dude, in the ocean. Yes, in a bed, not that anything

happened. We—” I shrugged as a shit-eating grin spread across my

face. “It was nice.”

“Are you sure you’re not drinking?”

“No, you ass, I’m not drinking.”

Alec laughed into the phone. “Sorry, but you have to

understand that the day you choose cuddling over sex is the day

I’m wearing a dress.”

“Better go shopping then…”

Alec laughed again and sighed. “Dude, I really am sorry

about all this. Just keep doing what you’re doing. We’ll figure it

out, okay? Until then, don’t go outside.”

“Trapped, just like before.” I cursed. “I won’t do it.”

“Come again?”

“Alec, dude, I can’t do it. I can’t just sit in my house all day. I

really will go insane. I’ll start making bad choices. I mean, I

honestly can’t get bored… I don’t want to think about what will

happen if I do.”

Alec cursed into the phone and then was silent for a bit.

“Fine, just don’t do anything stupid in public, and when the media

asks you about the show, don’t say a thing. Just… be normal.”

“Said the fish out of water,” I grumbled. “Fine, I’m guessing

the local news won’t be showing up for another hour or so. Takes

them a while to get their local celebrity gossip. After all there is

only one Starbucks.”

“Dude, if it bothers you that much, just build one.”

“Now there’s a thought… We’ve already established how

sexy I look in a visor. Imagine me in the green apron.”

“You need taffy or something, you’re losing your mind.”

“Agh.” I cursed and flipped off the TV. “Story of my life.”

“Later, bro. I’ll text or call if I find out anything on my end.

Just stay invisible, don’t drink and drive, don’t do drugs, make

good choices, guard your virtue—”

“Screw off.” I hung up the phone laughing.

Bob moved to stand in front of me. “Know any restaurants

interested in some free Cristal?”

Bob laughed. “I’ll go make some donations, shall I?”

“That’s the spirit.” I got up and slapped him on the back. I

didn’t want to watch any more TV. I mean, most of what people

said was crap anyways. I just wasn’t sure how I was supposed to

talk to Alyssa and the rest of the group about all of this. I mean, the

stuff everyone was dealing with was super private. I would rather

die than have them think they couldn’t trust me, or that I was just

waiting to put them on TV. Then again, people got weird when

opportunities for fame came up. I just hoped they wouldn’t flip

tonight during the meeting like Mrs. Murray had when she came

barreling through my door that morning. Threatened. She’d

actually threatened me. It had been a long time since an adult had

done so much as point their finger in my face. I told her I would

step down as group leader, which just made her more furious.

Apparently, it wasn’t the whole reality show thing that had her

ticked. It was her worry that all that extra attention would hurt the

rest of the group. After all, group therapy was counseling, which

legally wasn’t anyone’s business but that person’s. She said she’d

notify the members that they no longer had to attend and shook her

head.

I felt like I had let everyone down. Again. This time I knew it

was my fault. If I hadn’t nearly killed myself last year, our

publicists wouldn’t be trying to find some lame ways to salvage my

reputation. I just wish they would have told me what they had up

their sleeves before announcing it to the media.

Later that night I found out just how thrilled everyone was

about the whole rumor of me doing a reality show.

Holly and Aaron glared when I opened the door. I cursed

and ran my hands through my hair. “Not that I have to defend

myself, but it’s not true.”

“What’s not true?” Sam pushed past them and hit me on the

shoulder.

“This asshole is doing a reality show here in Seaside.

Cameras have been following him for the past month. So was that

whole speech just for TV then, Demetri?” Aaron was chest to chest

with me. I took a step back and put my hands in the air.

“Okay, first off, you need to chill. Second, do you see any

cameras in my house? I mean, seriously? Third, do you think I

want all my own shit on live TV for people to see? Do you realize

how messed up my life has been? It’s not like I want to broadcast

the fact that my brother got my girlfriend pregnant, or that I had a

drug problem.”

“Your brother? A son?” Holly tilted her head.

Crap. I forgot I had only told Alyssa, and that it wasn’t in

group. “It’s not important.” I glared at both of them and waited.

They slowly nodded their heads and walked into the living

room. I exhaled and stole a glance at Sam. “You mad too?”

He shook his head. “Girls love celebrities, why would I be

mad?”

I groaned. “Panty throwing isn’t all it’s cracked out to be.”

“Yeah, pretty sure that’s a lie.” Sam laughed and walked

into the living room. I waited near the door. How the hell was I

going to explain this to Alyssa? She’d been working all day. She

sent me a text an hour ago saying she’d be at group, but it was ten

minutes past six and she still wasn’t here. I began to pace.

The doorbell rang. I nearly knocked myself out opening the

door.

Alyssa stood there, her smile was so bright I found myself

staring at her for a few minutes in complete silence.

“May I come in? Or are you just going to stare like an idiot

all night?” She put her hand on her hips. She was wearing low

slung hip hugger jeans with a cute hot pink tank top and flip flops.

I wanted to maul her.

I stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. “How about

we go hang out alone… and leave everyone here?”

“Some group leader you are…” came a voice behind me. I

turned to see Sam shaking his head in amusement. “Come on,

Alyssa, you can sit by me.”

“No touching.” I eyed them both and shut the door.

Sam lifted an eyebrow as if to say no promises. I flipped him

off as if to say I’d break every one of his fingers if he even thought

about it, and made my way into the room. We were missing our

final member, but I wasn’t sure if he was coming back after all the

drama from last time.

Sure enough, the minute I sat down the doorbell rang again.

I opened the door and was happy to see Connor standing there

with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“You made it.” I reached out to shake his hand. He nodded

and shook my hand and took a step into the house just as a flash

went off. I cursed and looked at the boardwalk where several

paparazzi were setting up camp.

“Shit.” I pushed Connor into the room and slammed the

door behind me.

Everyone came into the entryway to see my freak-out,

including Alyssa. “What’s going on?” she asked.

I groaned and banged the back of my head against the door.

“I swear I had no idea, you guys. I didn’t even find out until I got

home this afternoon. Nothing’s bugged in here, like I said. But the

minute you leave the house, your faces are going to be everywhere.

I’ll do my best to sneak you out the back. I guess we could call the

cops and put hoods over your heads.”

Alyssa burst out laughing. “Seriously? Hoods over our

heads? What’s going on?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out except

for air. I began to sweat.

Sam spoke for me. “The media seems to think Demetri is

going to be doing a reality show about Seaside. Some pictures of

you guys were leaked to the media as well as the information that a

show had been in the works and, voila, you’re caught up. Hey,

where’s the popcorn?”

Wordlessly, I pointed to the kitchen and put my head in my

hands and groaned. “Guys, you have to believe me. I really didn’t

know.”

Alyssa shrugged. “Demetri, it’s fine. Let’s just get on with

the session and then we can figure out how to get everyone out of

here.”

She made it sound so easy. As if I could just snap my fingers

and all the nightmares would disappear. I sighed and hung my

head. Instantly I felt her warm body pressed against mine and then

her lips were pressed against my cheek. I missed everything about

her — the way she smelled, the way her lips felt against my skin.

Hell, I would move heaven and earth for this girl. She had to know

what I felt for her, what I would do for her.

“Thanks,” I mumbled as she pulled away.

She shrugged and blushed. Damn, it was hot when she

blushed. “For what?”

“Making me feel better.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

“And what’s the most?” I pulled her back into my body and

slowly walked backwards until we were against the wall and out of

earshot of the rest of the crowd.

“T-the what?” she stuttered.

“The most.” I leaned in and smelt her hair, then trailed my

nose against the outside of her jaw, as my lips nibbled down

toward her mouth.

Alyssa closed her eyes and then tilted her head back. I kissed

her exposed neck. She gasped. My fingers bunched her shirt as I

started to lift it.

Someone cleared his throat.

She pushed me away.

I wanted to kill whoever just interrupted us. I turned slowly

and came face to face with Bob. Yeah, I’d lose in a fight with him.

He lifted an eyebrow and peered at both of us while crossing his

arms. Why did I suddenly feel like I just got caught doing

something wrong? I mumbled a curse and stepped around him,

grabbing Alyssa’s hand in the process.

Bob’s chuckle followed us into the living room. It irritated

the hell out of me. My body was hot and cold all at once. I just

wanted to be with Alyssa, not lead the stupid group or have to

worry about all the paparazzi outside.

“Look…” I took a deep breath and sat down. Everyone was

drinking soda and munching on popcorn. “I had no idea about this

whole reality show thing. Just so we’re clear. We can still meet, but

I think it might be smart for us to start meeting at someone else’s

house, considering the circumstances.”

“We can meet at mine,” Alyssa piped up and winked.

Man, I loved her.

What the hell?

I felt my mouth drop open at the realization. No. No way.

No way did I just say that in my head. I ran my fingers through my

hair and cleared my throat. “Um, okay. Thanks, Alyssa. That’s

really cool of you.” Deep breaths, Demetri, deep breaths. “So today

I want to talk about regret.”

Mrs. Murray had reminded me in our last counseling session

that it was important for people to voice something they regretted

not doing or saying to the person they lost. It had taken me three

months to finally go through with the process of writing my ex-

girlfriend a letter. I bawled for days and ate more taffy than I cared

to admit.

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked, grabbing a piece of

paper and pencil.

I hated opening up, but it seemed like the only way to get

them to understand things was to use myself as a guinea pig. Great.

Hopefully, I don’t cry like a girl. “I lost my dad when I was little.

He had cancer. But we knew he was sick. I have to admit I suck

around sick people. I think I’m traumatized from being around the

hospital so much, but the point is we knew it was coming. We

knew he was terminally ill. Therefore, my brother and I were able

to say goodbye, we were able to have no regrets with him.” I blew

out a shaky breath and continued. “I mean, I still regret that he

didn’t get to see my brother and me grow up, but that was beyond

my control. My dad didn’t get stolen from me. I didn’t wake up one

day to find him missing from my life. When you go through the

type of grief where a person is suddenly ripped away from you, it

feels like a part of your soul is missing. You look back and wonder

what you could have said or done, did they know how you felt?

Were they aware that you cared for them? Did you just get into a

fight? Those are the type of regrets I’m talking about. I know this

sounds like a lot of psychological bullshit, but Mrs. Murray’s

awesome at this stuff, and I know it really helped me.”

“It helped you?” Aaron narrowed his eyes. I shifted in my

seat.

Holly patted him on the hand and nodded. “I like it. Come

on, Aaron. Let’s go over and sit in the corner and decide what

we’re going to write.”

Soon everyone was dispersed around the room. Everyone,

but Alyssa.

“Are you okay?” I tapped her on the leg with a pencil. I

wanted to hold her, but she suddenly looked like the last thing she

wanted was for anyone to touch her.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispered under her

breath.

I shrugged. “Just try. I’m going to go over there.” I pointed

to the kitchen. “Far, far away, so you can have your privacy, okay?

Just write what’s on your heart.”

She nodded and I walked off feeling like crap. I hated that

bastard, and I hated myself for hating him. I hated her for loving

him, but most of all I hated the connection I knew they still shared.

Chapter Twenty-three

Alyssa

The sheet of paper was blank. I know Demetri was trying to

give me my space so I could write my letter. But I honestly had so

many regrets with Brady, I didn’t even know where to start. It felt

like my heart was going to explode the minute Demetri mentioned

the word regret. It was like he could see right through me when his

gaze met mine.

I was too ashamed to look at him.

I knew there was still this invisible chord that held my soul

connected to Brady’s, even though he wasn’t here. I may as well

have a sign plastered across my face that said, “A part of me still

loves my ex-boyfriend and always will.”

Demetri took those feelings away, and yes I knew I needed

to heal, to move away from the past, but the minute he said regret I

was tempted to jump back into old habits, because my biggest

regret thus far, the one that still kept me up at night, was the very

thing I’d never voiced to anyone before.

My hand shook as I clenched the pencil between my fingers.

My knuckles turned white from the pressure. Sighing, I wrote one

word. And in that one word every regret fit beneath.

Living.

I regretted living. Every damn day.

Staring at the word made me nauseous. All the memories

flooded back — his smile, his laugh, his cocky attitude. Everything

was so real in my mind, it was almost as if he was there with me on

the couch. He should have been there. Suddenly angry, I wrote

another word on my paper.

Hate.

I hated that he was taken from me when he was so young. I

hated that I was forced to live with this grief. I hated that the only

person I could blame was myself, but that even then I knew

accidents happened.

A tear slid down my cheek, with shaking hands I wrote

down another word.

Virginity.

Something he never got the chance to take from me. One of

the many things I was never able to give him. He wouldn’t let me.

He said I was too young. Brady always refused to talk about sex. I

knew he’d had sex. He wasn’t exactly a saint, but I admired that he

didn’t pretend to be. He was always freakishly honest about the

temptation of being the star quarterback. Girls threw themselves at

him the way girls threw themselves at Demetri, except in

ridiculously smaller doses. He had dated a lot of girls before me.

“Why can’t we?” I begged. Okay, begging was so lame, but I loved

him, didn’t he love me too?

“Believe me.” He laughed. “I would love nothing more, but you’re

so young, Alyssa. You need time to figure yourself out, and if in the end

I’m still the one you want, then I’ll gladly take you up on that offer. But

until then…” He sighed and kissed me on the cheek. “I just can’t do it.

Not when you don’t know about my past, about everything. It just

wouldn’t be right.”

“So you’re rejecting me?” I slid away from him and looked out the

window of the truck as a tear ran down my cheek.

He cursed and pulled me back into his arms, even though I fought

him every inch of the way. “Stop crying,” he said gently. “Believe me, any

guy who had no respect for you and no damn morals would have you in

that backseat in an instant.”

“Your truck doesn’t have a backseat.”

“You know what I mean. Look at me, Alyssa.”

Begrudgingly, I turned and glared.

He laughed. “Remind me never to piss you off.”

“You’re pissing me off now.”

“Alyssa.” He moaned and then kissed me lightly on the lips. “Let

me put it this way. I’m not ready to take that from you yet. You know my

reputation before I met you. I just couldn’t live with myself if I messed up

a good thing. And what we have is more than good. Okay?”

I nodded. I mean, I understood I guess. I just felt semi-rejected that

he hadn’t wanted me. But maybe this was more.

“I want it to be me.” Brady cursed and shook his head. “You have

no idea. And I don’t know what’s holding me back other than my own

hang-ups and the fact that you look so damn innocent sitting there. But in

the end… if something ever happened, I don’t know, at college, or if you

decided you didn’t want to be with me anymore. It would kill me to know

that what we shared wasn’t going to be forever.”

“Don’t be silly.” I rolled my eyes and kissed him firmly on the

mouth. “We’ll be together forever.”

I glanced up at Demetri through watery eyes. He was

patiently standing in the kitchen pretending to be immersed in

reading a magazine while we all poured our hearts out.

What would his paper say? I looked down at mine again and

sighed. Would his letter be to his ex-girlfriend? One thing was for

sure. I didn’t want him to read my paper. It would kill him and I

couldn’t hurt him. He didn’t deserve the hurt that came with being

associated with me. Yet, I craved him, cared for him, needed him

more than I was ready or willing to admit. Was it selfish that I held

on to him? All the insecurities of the night before came flooding

back.

I stood and walked over to him. His eyes snapped up and

that devastating grin, the one that made me want to wrap my arms

around him and never let go, appeared on his face. “Finished?”

“Yes.” I folded my paper and put it on the table. “You’re

right. It was good to write some things down.” Even though it

almost killed me to admit any of the things I just admitted.

“Say it again.”

“It was good to write some things down?” I grinned,

enjoying the way he was trying to tease me out of my sadness.

He scowled and shook his head, this time leaning down and

whispering in my ear, his lips moving just against the tip causing

butterflies to shoot through my stomach. “The other part.”

“You’re right?”

“Damn straight, I’m right.” His tongue touched my ear and

flicked it before he sucked for a few seconds then abruptly pulled

back.

Bob cleared his throat and glared at us. Thankfully everyone

else was still immersed in their note writing, and I was ready to fall

into a puddle at Demetri’s feet. How did he make me feel so crazy?

For a brief second I forgot all about the note I just wrote about

regrets. My body reacted to Demetri the way that electricity reacts

when a live wire is exposed. Everything felt good, and I wanted

more and more of him.

I just wasn’t sure if Demetri was willing to share me with

someone who was dead. I wasn’t sure if I would share me. Was I

really worth it all in the end? Or would he tire of my emotional

breakdowns like everyone else did? Would he constantly wonder

about where my thoughts were? When he kissed me would he

think I was wishing it was Brady?

“Penny for your thoughts.” Demetri grabbed my hand and

kissed it.

“My thoughts are worth more than a penny.” I argued.

His face turned serious. “Believe me, I know. I just hope one

day I’ll be able to afford them.” He gave me a sad smile and went

back to the chair where he began gathering the pencils and papers.

“Alright, everyone, it’s time to come back together.”

The rest of the group sat down. Sam looked like he had been

crying as he wiped his eyes and sighed. Connor looked just as bad

if not worse. I could guess what he wrote, something about

regretting driving that night or even possessing a license. Aaron

and Holly were sad too, but I think most of their grief came from

something unrelated to Brady and the accident. Aaron kissed

Holly’s head and sighed heavily.

Demetri took everyone’s papers. “I’m not going to read

these. They’re private. Between you and what you regret. But if

anyone’s willing to share, I think it would be really cool.”

Holly spoke up. “I lost my baby.”

Aaron held her tightly as she began to softly cry. “In high

school I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage. It was really hard

and… well, it almost destroyed my relationship with Aaron.”

Aaron cleared his throat. “It was a Friday night. I was angry

at Holly. She had been drinking and instead of staying with her at

the party I ran off.”

I listened intently as Holly continued where Aaron left off. “I

was so upset he would abandon me that I slept with one of the

football players. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of

football season. I told Aaron and he threatened to kill the father.

But I refused to tell him who it was. It wasn’t his business, and it

nearly killed us both.”

The room fell silent. Holly choked back a few more tears. “It

felt good. To write that letter. To talk to Aaron about it. I feel better.

Thanks, Demetri.”

Demetri smiled warmly. “Anytime. And don’t worry, the

first time Mrs. Murray asked me to do this I cried for days. And if

that ever gets leaked out into the press I’ll hunt each and every one

of you down.”

Everyone laughed nervously.

“Let’s plan to meet in a few more days. I want all of you to

think about regrets this week. Live your life as if each moment is

your last. This isn’t about going crazy. It’s about appreciation.”

Suddenly Demetri seemed so much older than I. He had

gone through a lot in his life, and it showed in the way he spoke

about regret, about living. If there was one thing I was confident

about, it was that Demetri knew how to live, and I desperately

wanted to follow in his footsteps. But what do you do when the

very person’s footsteps you hope to follow in is the exact person

you want to carry you?

Chapter Twenty-four

Demetri

“I’m like James Bond minus the British accent,” I announced

to Alec on the phone that night.

“Yeah, you’re a regular 007. Tell me, Goldfinger, is the world

ever enough?”

“You only live twice, Octopussy.”

“Demetri Daniels, Man with the Golden Gun.”

“I have decided to Die Another Day.”

“I’ve got nothing.” Alec cursed. “Damn, how is it that you

beat me at the movie game every single time?”

“I’m sorry, did you not get the whole 007 reference? I’m

freaking awesome.”

Alec sighed. “Fine. Tell me what made you like James Bond,

and hurry. Nat’s been begging for me to take her to the mall so she

can buy you a birthday present.”

“Tell her nothing pink. It makes me look pale.”

“Noted. Now speak, Dr. No, before I hang up on you.”

I nodded in appreciation, even though he couldn’t see me. “I

totally forgot about Dr. No, good one. You still lost, but good one.

Anyway…” I moved my guitar and lay across my bed. “I got

everyone out of the house without any of the paparazzi seeing

them.”

“How’d you do that?”

“Magic.”

Silence. “What, you used your wand?”

“Hilarious. No, my brain. You know all that Cristal our

publicist sent over from the record agency and everyone else?”

“Yeah?”

I laughed. “Let’s just say we had a lot of really happy

reporters on our front lawn. I passed out all the free shit and they

flocked. I gave autographs and the whole time the rest of the gang

walked out the back and down the street. Bob drove the cars one by

one down the block until they all had their rides and all without

any pictures taken.”

“Wow, brilliant Demetri, and without drugs or your wand.

I’m impressed.”

“I live to impress my older brother.”

“And Nat,” Alec interjected. “Don’t forget Nat.”

“Am I on speakerphone?”

“Why can’t I get you pink, Demetri? Remember the pink

shirt I got you at —”

“No, I’ve blocked that memory, and it said I sing for Seaside. I

almost got punched when I wore that shirt. No pink, Nat. No

pastels. Get me a guy gift. It is my nineteenth birthday. I think I

deserve it.”

“Fine,” she grumbled. “Alec, you ready?”

“Gotta run, bro. It’s time to go into Nat’s quantum of

solace.”

“Huh?” Nat said as Alec and I both burst out laughing.

“Some things are just for our eyes only, Nat,” I said and then

hung up. Damn, I missed my brother sometimes.

I looked at my phone. I wanted to call Alyssa so bad. My

fingers ran across her number. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Someone

punch me and put me out of my misery. For some reason I felt like

she needed her space today, after everything that happened; it just

seemed like she was distant.

I decided against it. Space. I needed to give her space and

stop being such a damn girl. Trying to distract myself, I ran down

the stairs and pulled out a soda from the fridge. I flipped the TV on

and jumped onto the couch, causing enough air to move that the

papers from group fluttered off the coffee table.

Cursing, I bent to grab them and froze when I saw a name.

Brady.

Thinking it was Alyssa’s I picked it up.

It wasn’t Alyssa’s.

Oh God, I thought I was going to be sick. It couldn’t be

Alyssa’s; there was no way it was. Part of me wished it was hers. I

needed to look away. I needed to throw the paper away and

pretend like I didn’t see it, but I did. I saw everything.

Dear Brady,

I’m sorry I never told you about the baby. It just felt like there was

never a good time, and you were so happy with Alyssa. I couldn’t do it. I

tried to so many times. The night before you died, I even went to your

house. I had this huge speech built up. I was a few months along and knew

I was going to start showing. I still hadn’t told Aaron it was you, but I

knew I needed to tell you first. I remember ringing your doorbell and then

I heard laughter. It was her. It was Alyssa, and I thought, why would I

ruin her life for my mistake? I was drunk, you were drunk. It didn’t mean

anything, and I was so tired of crying. Of bringing others down with me.

So I left. I remember your confused look as you opened the door. Alyssa

came bounding out behind you, you wrapped your arms around her and

kissed her, and I knew I made a good decision.

The next day I started bleeding. It was like the baby rejected being

inside me. Was it because I was an awful person for not telling the baby’s

dad? I never got the chance though. Because the same day our baby died,

you lost your life too. I regret not telling you that you were a father, only

because I think you would have been a great father, and because you were

a great person inside and out. I know you didn’t mean to cheat on her.

You guys had been together for a while. You were inseparable. Alcohol has

a way of messing with us, doesn’t it? I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m

sorry. But I’m so glad that our baby is in heaven with you. I’m glad you

get to be a father, even if I lost the chance to be a mother.

I’m sorry, Brady…

Holly.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! I slammed my hand against the

table, causing a slicing pain to radiate from my thumb all the way

up my forearm.

After cursing for another five minutes. I grabbed the pieces

of paper and ran next door. I let myself in, I mean I usually only

did that when Nat was home, but this was an emergency.

I banged on the door to Mrs. Murray’s office. “I have to talk

to you. Now!” I was going to freaking lose my mind if she didn’t

open the door and —

“— Demetri? I’m just finishing up with another client. Why

don’t you wait on the couch, okay?” Her eyes narrowed as she took

in my panic-stricken face. “Don’t do anything stupid. Just sit and

pull yourself together, alright?”

“Right,” I said shakily. I couldn’t sit. I paced in the living

room for the next ten minutes, alternating between cursing and

wanting to run my own face through the wall.

Finally the door to Mrs. Murray’s office opened up. And

because I was currently living my own version of hell, it didn’t

seem shocking to have Holly be the girl coming out of the office.

In tears.

She looked in my direction and then down at the papers in

my hand. I tried to hide them, instead I froze. She froze too. I

wasn’t sure who was more freaked out, she or I.

“You know?”

“No.” I lied.

“You’re lying.”

I gulped and looked down. I couldn’t even look her in the

eyes. “I didn’t mean to read it. I was gathering the papers, and it

fell and I saw his name and… I’m so sorry.” My voice cracked.

Holly sighed and walked over to me. “Maybe it’s good that

you know.”

“How is it good that I know? How the hell is it good?” I was

shaking again. Damn, what I wouldn’t do for a drink or for

someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

“At least you know why I waited to so long to tell Aaron,

and why Brady’s death upset me so much. It feels good to tell

someone else. Now four people know. You, Sam, Mrs. Murray, and

Aaron.”

I knew where this was going. I took a step back, but she took

a step forward at the exact same time. “I can’t tell her yet. I’m not

ready.”

I wasn’t able to find my voice.

Holly’s eyes welled with tears. “What good would it do

anyway? I can’t have her remember him as a cheater. It’s bad

enough that Sam knows. Besides, Brady loved her. It was a

mistake. I can’t do that to his memory.”

“He’s dead!” I screamed, completely losing my cool.

Holly stepped back.

“He’s freaking dead, and everyone pretends like he was

some sort of hero, some saint! She deserves to know what he did,

what he did to both of you! He should have taken care of you. He

shouldn’t have been at a party when he had a girlfriend, and he

sure as hell shouldn’t have been drinking if he was tempted by

other girls!”

“I know.” Holly’s chin trembled. “I know this and you know

this. But please, just please, don’t tell her yet. You weren’t

supposed to see it.”

I bit my lip to keep from cursing again and took two deep

breaths. “But that’s the thing, Holly. I did and now I feel stuck. I

can’t betray your trust as your group leader, but every time I see

her I’m going to feel like I can’t look at her in the face without

feeling like I’m betraying her.”

“I’ll tell her.” Holly straightened her spine and sighed. “Just

give me some time, okay? I promise I’ll tell her soon.”

“Promise me. Look me in the eyes and promise me.”

Holly didn’t even blink. She stared me down and nodded. “I

promise.”

I exhaled. All the taffy in the world wasn’t going to relieve

me of the stress I felt at this point. Lame, but I needed to go for a

run or something. Get all this shit off my chest.

I looked up to see Holly gone and Mrs. Murray standing

outside her door.

“How much did you hear?” I asked.

“All of it.”

“What do I do?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

I broke. I could count on my right hand the times I’d broken

in my life, where I’ve cried and felt so completely helpless that I

just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. My heart was shattering,

and there was nothing Mrs. Murray could do, nothing I could do,

nothing drugs could do to stop it. Nope, this was life, pure and

raw. And as much as I wanted to numb it, at least I was living

while that bastard was dead.

Mrs. Murray didn’t say anything else. She just held me while

I shook in her arms. I wasn’t even crying. I was too upset, too

pissed to cry. I wanted to break something, to break him. I would

do anything to take the pain away. Because I knew there was no

way I could keep this from Alyssa. I would give Holly some time,

but if she never said anything, I would. And I knew the minute I

did, Alyssa’s trust for any guy would shoot straight out the

window. Didn’t she tell me she couldn’t feel for a guy? That she

was afraid of losing someone?

How the hell was I going to expect her to handle my life? My

fame? With girls swarming? I mean, I could tell her until I was blue

in the face that I loved her, but the memory of Brady would

constantly plague her.

Shit. Just when I felt like I was helping her get over the guy

there’s another rock thrown into the mess. It was like he was trying

to keep her from me, even in his death. I hated the person he had

turned me into.

I was saying hate an awful lot these days.

When I stopped trembling, Mrs. Murray released me. “Give

Holly some time.”

“And then what? Pretend like my heart isn’t freaking

breaking?”

“No,” Mrs. Murray said calmly. “Then you do what’s right.”

“What if by doing the right thing I lose it all?”

“This isn’t about you, Demetri.”

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s about the girl I fell in love with.

The taffy girl at Seaside. The very beautiful girl that I have to let go

of, and it kills me to let go of the girl who stole my heart. A heart I

won’t ever give back, because it belongs to her now, my best

friend.”

Chapter Twenty-five

Alyssa

Two days. It had been two days since I’d seen Demetri. He’d

stopped by the store once. And sadly, I’d watched him through the

window when he sang his jingle. He looked like hell.

I wanted to hug him, to touch him; was he upset with me or

something? He’d texted me a few times, but we hadn’t really hung

out and it sucked. It made me realize a few things about myself.

First, I was pathetic. And second, I really liked him. I more than

liked him. I couldn’t even sleep anymore because memories of him

with me in bed kept flooding into my consciousness, making me

toss and turn like crazy.

It was time. I needed to be bold; otherwise, I was going to

lose him. At least I knew I couldn’t stand to lose him. I felt like I

was making progress, and it was all because of Demetri that I was!

I even put away the yearbooks scattered in my room. I didn’t have

the heart to throw away Brady’s sweatshirt, so I hid it in my closet.

But at least I wasn’t wearing it. See? Progress!

I smiled to myself and wiped down the counters. I only had

another hour and then I was going to hunt that boy down and kiss

him. I shivered just thinking about it.

“Someone’s happy today,” a familiar voice announced. I

hadn’t even heard the bell jingle above the door. Sam walked in,

hands in his jean pockets. Handsome just like his brother, only this

time when I thought of it, it made me smile instead of cry.

“Need a taffy fix?” I grinned. He didn’t smile back. “Sam,

what’s up? You need sugar that bad?”

“No.” He shuffled his feet and refused to look at me directly

in the eyes. Geez, what was his deal?

“So, you’re here to stare at the ground? You know you can

do that outside, right?”

This time his lips tilted upward into a smile. “You make

things hard on a guy, Alyssa.”

I didn’t like the tone of his voice. “Well, I have been told I’m

difficult.”

“More than difficult.” He pulled out a neatly folded piece of

paper from his pocket and fidgeted with it. “I, um, I have

something for you.”

“Aw, a poem, you shouldn’t have,” I teased.

“Alyssa.” He groaned and stuffed the note back into his

pocket. “Never mind. This isn’t right. I’ll… I’ll see you later.” And

just like that he bolted.

“Weird,” I said aloud. If I didn’t know better I’d think he

was just about to pass me a note that said, Do you like me? If you do,

circle yes. If you don’t, circle no. The guy was super nervous-looking.

Oh well. I didn’t have time to think about his reaction much,

considering four customers walked in when he walked out.

An hour later I was walking along the beach. I had texted

Demetri and told him to meet me there. I don’t know why I was

nervous. I mean, we’d kissed before. Actually, we’d kissed more

than a few times, and every time we did I could have sworn I heard

music.

I smiled. I was smiling a lot more now. Maybe there was

more to all that regret stuff.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Demetri’s familiar voice made my head

snap to attention. He was standing right next to me. Fitted jeans

hugged his hips. He had on chucks and a tight black t-shirt that

said Shaken not stirred.

“Nice shirt.” I pointed.

He laughed. “Yeah, it was a birthday gift from Nat. Alec

made me swear I would wear it at least once and take a picture for

her. Apparently, she thought it was funny.”

“Why?”

“Long story, movie quote thing with Alec that led to me

telling him I was like James Bond. You know what? It’s not even

funny. Never mind.” He pulled me into a side hug and kissed my

head. “So how are you?”

“Hmm.” I slowly stepped back.

His eyebrows darted up. “Is that your answer? Hmm?”

“No.” I grinned. “This is.” I grabbed his head and kissed

him on the mouth before I could chicken out. I trailed my tongue

across his lower lip; he opened his mouth and then wrapped his

arms around me in response. Chills ran down my arms as his

tongue danced with mine. Heat spread throughout my body when

his hands began to slowly run down my back.

Someone whistled. I jerked away. I only meant to give him

one tiny kiss, not maul him in public.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure feel better.” He

grinned and kissed me one more time before grabbing my hand

and walking with me down the boardwalk. “Now what’s on your

mind?”

“You,” I answered honestly. “Are you okay?”

He stopped walking. Crap, why did his face look like I just

confessed to stealing his puppy?

“Um, sure.” He scratched his head and looked away. “I just,

I had some stuff going on with our agent. They still want to do the

show even though Alec and I are avidly against it. They want to

launch the show this fall and push our spring back, so we can

record while we shoot. Something about hitting the teen market, to

up ticket sales. I don’t know though.”

“You should do it.” I shrugged. “I mean, how bad could it

be? People already follow you and take pictures. Plus, don’t reality

shows only run for a few weeks?”

“How do you even know a reality show schedule?” He

laughed.

“I know you think I live under a rock.” I pushed him in the

side. “But, I’m not totally disconnected from the world.”

He cursed. “Six weeks. It would be six weeks of filming.”

“And you’d film here?”

“Yeah.” His eyes darted from my lips to my eyes then back

again. Had we stopped walking again? “But you’d be in the show

too, Alyssa. I mean, anyone I talk to, anyone I’m involved with

would be in the show. That’s a big decision not just for you, but for

me. I would hate to ruin someone’s life.” He paled instantly and

released my hand.

“Well, I mean. I…” Crap, how did I say what was on my

mind? “I, um… I—”

“Cat got your tongue?” Demetri chuckled.

More like Demetri Daniels has possession of every ounce of

common sense when I’m in his presence. “I like you,” I blurted.

“Hmm.” Demetri walked away from me and sat on the

concrete edge on the boardwalk. “When you say like, do you mean

as in, how I like ice cream?”

I rolled my eyes and moved to sit next to him. “Maybe.”

“Like as in… how much I like the way you taste?” he

whispered into my ear. I shivered and tried to scoot away, but he

held me trapped with his other arm. “Like as in how much I like

the way your hair smells like coconut?”

I reached up to touch my hair. Demetri played with a piece

of my hair and lifted it to his face, inhaling slowly. Oh my gosh, it

was so hot. I squirmed, but he still wouldn’t let me go.

“Like, as in, how much I like the way your hips sway when

you walk? Or the way your voice sounds on the phone? Or how

about…” He paused, oh gosh I couldn’t take much more of this. He

was killing me with his closeness. Why did he have to be so sexy?

“…how much I like the way my name sounds on your lips.

The way your name sounds on mine, or the way our hands fit

perfectly together. How about the way you drink your hot

chocolate? Damn, I could watch you drink hot chocolate all day.”

And I was going to pass out.

“Alyssa.” His eyes opened, and he held my chin with his

hand and murmured across my lips. “I really like you too.”

And insert mind-altering sensations here. Without even

realizing it, my hands had gripped his face and I pressed my lips

against his. I needed him to be real. I wanted so badly for us to be

feeling the same thing.

“I want him gone.” Demetri ended the kiss and looked out at

the crashing waves. “I’m not going to ask you to choose, because

I’m afraid it would be him. I’m afraid you would choose someone

who can’t give you this.” He grabbed my hand and placed it

against his chest. The thump of his heart slammed against my

hand. “I want to be your first and your last. I want to be your

everything. But I’m willing to wait until you’re ready for this. For

this feeling. I want you to memorize it. Memorize life, Alyssa.

Because that’s what I want for us. I want for us to live.”

How did he always know the right thing to say? I threw my

arms around his neck and held him. Tears burned at the back of my

eyes. I hated that he knew me well enough to know what he was

basically asking me to give up. I loved that he was willing to wait

for me. And I hated myself even more that I was forcing him to,

when I knew my heart was already his for the taking.

Chapter Twenty-six

Demetri

I held her shaking body for a few minutes. So many times I

opened my mouth to tell her the truth. To tell her all about Brady. It

would be so easy to swoop in and explain to her that she was

hugging the prince, that he wasn’t dead in the ground. Brady

wasn’t who she thought he was, but again it wasn’t my place.

Truthfully, I hadn’t been able to see her for very long these

past few days. I didn’t want to. It hurt too damn bad to look into

her innocent and hopeful eyes and keep the dirtiness of what Brady

did away from her. Not that Holly was innocent, but as a guy, I

knew the type of power trip Brady must have been feeling. Shit, up

until last year I’d lived that life.

Adding the whole Seaside show to the mix was enough to

put me into a catatonic state of stress. I swear I stared at my wall for

ten whole minutes doing nothing but breathing in and out and

trying to calm myself down. The stress was getting to me. I had the

taffy wrappers to prove it.

But when she texted me today. Damn. I couldn’t say no.

Everything felt better in her arms. Which was crazy. We’d known

each other for a little over a month, and I was ready to do anything

for her. I knew those type of feelings were possible. People always

talk about love at first sight. I’d never believed in it. Alec did

though, and so did Nat. But me, never.

And now, with Alyssa in my arms. Shit, I wanted to shout it

up and down the boardwalk that I was in love with this girl.

“Crap!” Alyssa pulled out of my embrace. Oh no. Her face

looked ashen. “Your birthday?”

I exhaled in relief. “About that…”

“Demetri!” She swatted me on the shoulder. “Is it soon? You

said Nat gave you that shirt for your birthday!”

“This weekend. Friday. Alec and Nat are throwing me a

huge party. I want you to come.” I swallowed the dryness in my

throat. “Be my date?” My palms began to sweat. Geez, you’d think

I never asked a girl out before.

Alyssa’s eyes lit up and then she frowned. “Don’t we have

group on Friday?”

“After group. I figured we could meet at your house for

group and then I could drive you to my house for the party.”

“And when were you going to tell me about all of this?”

“Today.” Okay, so I was lying. I meant to tell her yesterday

but still hadn’t had the balls to call her and see her face to face after

everything that went down with Holly.

“Short notice, Demetri. How am I going to have time to shop

for something to wear?”

“Just go to Victoria Secret.” I shrugged. “I’m sure they can

help you out.”

“So it’s a naked party then?” Her little hand pressed against

my chest and then ran down until she hooked her finger into the

loop of my jeans pulling me closer against her. Holy hell, a man

could die happy this way.

“Naked parties are the only way to go…” What the hell was

she doing? Her hand moved to my stomach and began rubbing just

above my briefs. Her nails lightly scratched, and I honestly thought

I was going to fall off the edge of the boardwalk. I swayed toward

her and closed my eyes.

“I don’t know if I like that you’ve been to naked parties.”

She purred, her wicked little hand still making me crazy.

“I don’t…” Damn, what was I going to say? “I mean, I…”

Holy. Hell. Her thumb rubbed across my hip bone, and I jerked

toward her on instinct.

“Demetri…” Her lips found mine. I was so hot for her I

wanted to toss her over the ledge and peel off her clothes one by

one, watching as the wind ran across her creamy skin and…”

“…ice cream.”

“Ice cream?” I repeated slowly coming out of my daydream.

What about ice cream? Wait, where did her hand go? Why was I

still so damn turned on?

“Let’s go get ice cream, and you can tell me all about your

party.” She winked and stood in front of me. If she expected me to

walk around right now she had another think coming. A minute

ago I didn’t even know what my name was. I glared. She tilted her

head and winked. She knew exactly what she was doing that

little… oh, but what a way to go.

“I need a minute.”

“Oh?” She tilted her head innocently.

I felt my nostrils flare. “One, two, three…”

“Wait, why are you counting?” She backed up slowly.

“Four, five, six…”

“Demetri…” She giggled and then snorted.

I stretched my arms above my head and yawned. “Seven,

eight, nine…”

Her eyes widened.

“Ten.” I lunged for her little body and caught her just as she

was turning to run. She kicked and screamed, but it was like a tiny

ant fighting a bear. I effortlessly carried her toward the ocean.

“Put me down!”

“Nope! I need to cool off…” I laughed as she began

screaming at me and pounding her tiny fists onto my back.

“Demetri Daniels!”

“Scream it again, sweetheart, only makes me need the ice

cold water more.”

She squirmed against me.

“Right.” I snorted and slapped her ass. “Because that helps.”

“Demetri!”

“Alyssa!” I yelled and then walked into the ocean with her

in my arms. When the water reached my knees I was sufficiently

cooled off. And then her eyes met mine and a different kind of heat

spread through my body. One I didn’t want to cool off. One I

wanted to remember for the rest of my life. I set her down on her

feet. The waves crashed against our legs, but I didn’t feel cold.

“I more than like you,” I whispered as I brushed the hair

whipping against her cheek from the wind.

She closed her eyes and sighed against my hand as it cupped

her cheek. “I more than like you too, which is what makes this so

hard.”

My stomach dropped. And the next thing I knew she pushed

me, causing my balance to falter just slightly, which would have

been fine if a wave hadn’t chosen that exact moment to crash right

next to us.

Okay, now I was cold.

“One.” I shouted as I jumped out of the chilling water.

She squealed. “Oh no, Demetri Daniels is counting again.

Two!” She joined in mocking me. She threw her head back and

laughed.

This time I didn’t even make it to three. I just tackled her

against the sand as the icy water crashed over us.

Chapter Twenty-seven

Alyssa

I couldn’t stop smiling. The hurt that was ever-present, the

memorial I kept with me was slowly fading and although I was

sad, I felt like it was time. And I had Demetri to thank for it. He

made me want to smile. He made me feel like it was okay to be

happy.

I twirled in front of the mirror. In a moment of panic I’d

texted Holly for help on what to wear for the party. She’d come to

my rescue as all girls should when another girl has a fashion crisis,

and I was again reminded how much I missed having girlfriends.

“It looks great,” Holly said from my bed. She’d asked if she

could come over early and get ready. Apparently Demetri invited

the entire group to his party, which was kind of awesome of him.

Could the guy do any wrong? I couldn’t match his personality now

with the rumors floating around about him. I’d had a weak

moment and searched the Internet at Mom and Dad’s store only to

find tons of things I’d rather have not known. It was obvious he

had a past, but it wasn’t my business. Besides, his hands were

sweating when he asked me to be his date, which meant he was

still human, and he was all mine.

“Thanks, Holly.” I walked over the bed and sat. My dress

crunched a bit. It was a strapless baby doll style dress. It was black

and silver with pieces of hanging material across the bodice making

it look kind of grunge and trendy. My heels were red. All in all, it

wasn’t something I would normally pick out for myself, but Nat

insisted. She had it overnighted just in case it wasn’t the right size,

and I needed to get it altered.

It fit perfect, and I felt really confident in it. I even let Holly

do some of my makeup. I hoped Demetri would feel proud to have

me on his arm.

Holly played with the fringe on her pale pink skirt. She

wasn’t talking much.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked, suddenly concerned when

tears welled in her eyes.

She bit her lip and nodded. Strands of her chunky blond-

and brown-highlighted hair fell over her eye. “I’m fine, just feeling

kind of… off. It’s probably nerves about the party.”

Just then the doorbell rang. “Come on.” I grabbed her hand.

“We’ve gotta get through group first!”

I almost tripped down the stairs. It had been a while since I

wore heels. Dad glanced at me just as he reached for the door. His

mouth dropped open, he shook his head no a few times and then

walked off in a daze.

“I think I just put him in shock,” I said to Holly.

She laughed. “Imagine what it will do to Demetri.”

“That’s probably my dad’s problem — he was imagining

what Demetri would do.” He was probably going to complain to

my mom later about my dress. But I imagined her hugging me

more than reprimanding me.

I opened the door and came face to face with Sam.

“Hey!” I gave him a hug. Geez, if I didn’t stop smiling

people were going to think I was on drugs.

“Um, hi.” His eyes took in my dress and then his smile

widened. “You look great, Alyssa. Demetri’s going to have a

stroke.”

I felt my cheeks heat with embarrassment as I looked away

from Sam.

“Can… um…” Sam looked passed me to Holly and then

grabbed my arm. “Can we go somewhere and talk really quick?”

“Sure.” I shrugged. “Holly, can you let everyone in?”

“Sure thing.” She saluted as I led Sam away from the door

and upstairs to my room.

Once we were inside I closed the door. “What’s up, Sam?”

“I can’t do this.” Sam paced in front of me.

“Do what?” My stomach dropped when I saw his eyes well

with tears.

“Damn, I just can’t do it anymore, Alyssa. It’s killing me.

You have no idea! I thought I was protecting you! That’s all I’ve

ever done is protect you! Make him into a damn martyr and wait

for you to admit it was me you liked, not him. Damn, I knew you

loved him. I just wanted you to love me too. But in the end I

couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Damn regrets.”

I’d never heard Sam curse. Not once. Was he high? “Sam,

what are you talking about?”

“Six years,” he whispered hoarsely. “Six years I’ve been in

love with you. The last year you spent with Brady was the hardest.

I mean, he was my little brother. I couldn’t exactly move in on his

girlfriend, and then when everything happened, my feelings just

faded. I mean, I loved you, but you weren’t you anymore. You

know what I mean? The girl I fell in love with died right along with

my brother. And it was too damn painful to be around you,

because your smile was gone and it was his fault. All his fault. He

took his heart with you when he died and I was so afraid you’d

never get it back.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” I asked, voice shaking

with emotion. I wasn’t sure what I was. Angry? Confused? Hurt?

“Regrets. We’ve been talking about regrets in group. Want

to know what mine was?”

Not really. No. Because it may just take away the smile on

my face.

“I regretted not telling you how I felt about you, and then I

regretted not being the guy to pull you out of it. I abandoned you,

and I’m ashamed I did. I mean, I was still here working and

keeping an eye on you, but it was never for Brady. I mean, I lied to

you when I said that. He never asked me to. He wouldn’t have

asked me to even given the opportunity. Every day I saw you I felt

worse and worse for keeping things from you, things about him,

but then I was afraid if I told you, you’d finally be pushed too far,

and no one would be able to pull you out of the depression.”

“Sam!” I fisted my hands at my sides. “What do you mean

the things you didn’t tell me?”

“Not now.” Sam pulled an envelope out of his pocket and

put it on my dresser. “I don’t even know what’s right anymore,

Alyssa. But I had to get it off my chest. Please forgive me for lying

to you. Forgive me for being selfish, and forgive me for not being

the friend you needed.”

“You’re already forgiven.” The words fell from my mouth

without effort and I meant them. I had no idea Sam felt that way

about me or what type of relationship he’d had with Brady. I’d

always assumed they were like best friends. I guess this was all the

information I was getting from Sam tonight. He stormed out of my

room and said thank you, but not before I saw some stray tears slip

down his face.

With shaking hands I lifted the packet from my dresser. It

wasn’t addressed to me, but there was a sticky note on it that said

I’m sorry.

“Surprise.” Demetri put his hands over my eyes. His voice

was unmistakable. Sometimes I swear it seemed like he was singing

instead of talking, his voice was so smooth. The package fell from

my hands, momentarily forgotten.

I turned around in his arms and kissed him. “Happy

Birthday.”

“Where’s my present?” His naughty hands moved up and

down my body and then he cursed. “Damn, you even wrapped

yourself up. How am I ever going to get you out of these clothes

when you look so perfect?”

I tried to wriggle out of his arms, but he held me firm while

he continued to stare at every part of my body from my shoes all

the way to my dress, and finally his gaze fell on my hair and then

my lips. “God above, you are absolutely breathtaking.”

Shrugging, I replied. “I wanted to look pretty for your

birthday.”

Demetri rolled his eyes. “You look pretty even when you

snore.”

Laughter echoed from downstairs. I punched him. “I do not

snore.”

“I’d like to find out.” I should have said I already did, but I

wanted to see if she let me stay over again.

“Someone took their confidence pills today.”

He shrugged. “‘Course I did. They were sitting right next to

my damn sexy pills, and we know I never forget those.”

Demetri laughed and pulled me into a hug. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” If I didn’t stop smiling, my face was

going to be permanently frozen in this position.

“What’s that?” Demetri’s brows furrowed as he looked

down at the ground. My eyes followed.

“Crap.” I picked up the envelope and threw it onto my

dresser. “That is drama. Something I have no desire to even look at

on this special day.”

“You sure?” He looked behind me and reached for the

packet, seeming more interested then he should be.

I blocked his reach. “I’m sure. Now let’s go start group so we

can go to your party!”

He grinned and picked me up, twirling me around the room.

“Fine, you’ve convinced me. I like you, Lyss.”

“Like you too.” I bit my lip as he dropped me and grabbed

his hand, and we made our way down the stairs.

“Let’s party!” Aaron announced from the living room. I’d

put some snacks together and told my parents that they needed to

stay in the den so that we could all have privacy.

Demetri shook his head and took a seat next to Aaron. The

rest of us gathered around. “Okay, so this meeting will be short,

because you know, it is a very special day.”

“You got a promotion?” Connor teased.

“Wait, I’ve got it.” Aaron snapped his fingers. “You don’t

have to sing the jingle anymore?”

“Hilarious.” Demetri smirked. “Birthday boy, right here.”

He pointed at himself and then leaned back in the chair and sighed.

“Regrets. We talked about them at our last meeting. You know,

before I snuck all of you out of my house. Tonight…” He cleared

his throat. “I want to talk about fear.”

Again the room was silent. Even I was shifting in my seat.

How did he know so much about grief? It felt like you always went

through those phases, denial, anger, fear, regret… I watched as

Demetri’s eyes hooded for a brief second when he glanced at me.

He soon jerked back to attention and addressed the group.

“I’m afraid of ostriches. Just ask Alyssa. Oh yeah, and emus.

But to be honest, I’d take an emu any day over feeling the gripping

out of control feeling fear leaves you with. After you struggle with

something hard… like addiction or losing someone you love,

suddenly you realize nothing is certain in life. Nothing is real.

Clearly, I took the pansy way out and started pushing away life

and numbing myself to it. Today I want us to talk about healthy

ways to deal with our fear.”

“Taffy.” I joked without thinking.

Demetri’s eyes warmed. “Yes, that’s a good one. I eat taffy to

keep addictions at bay. Addictions were my way of coping with

fear and loss. What else? Anyone?”

Holly raised her hand. “Avoidance.”

“That’s not healthy,” Sam interjected looking more upset

than I’d seen him all night. Geez, what was with him tonight?

“I know,” Holly mumbled. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

“So why do you keep doing it?” Sam yelled. “Why do you

avoid the truth? Why don’t you tell everyone? Do you think this

makes it better? Do you think this makes me feel better?” He stood

and pointed his finger at her. Connor grabbed him and jerked him

away.

“Cool off, dude! What’s your problem?”

“Life!” Sam yelled. “That and the fact that I’m so tired of

secrets.” His eyes closed as he took a shuddering breath. “Aren’t

you, Holly? Aren’t you tired of secrets?”

Nobody said anything. Sam cursed. “Whatever. I’m out of

here.”

“Sam, wait.” Holly ran after him, leaving just Demetri,

Connor, Aaron, and me.

“Anyone care to explain?” Demetri said raising his hands in

the air in defeat.

Aaron shook his head. “Not my business to tell, man. But

she’s been acting really upset ever since our last meeting.” He gave

a slight nod to Demetri who nodded back. What was going on?

We all waited for ten minutes, but nobody came back.

Demetri checked his watch just as Aaron received a text message.

“She’s going home.” Aaron cursed. “Alright, guess we aren’t

partying. I’ll see you guys later.” He walked out just as Sam walked

back in.

“Sorry,” Sam mumbled. And that was it. He didn’t offer any

explanation.

“Alright.” Demetri stood abruptly. “I guess it’s just us. Party

at my house.”

I reached for his hand but didn’t feel like partying as much

anymore. Something was bothering Sam. Did it have to do with the

packet he gave me? My fingers itched to go grab it and read it, but

fear held me back. What if it was something horrible? What if it

ruined my good mood? For once, I didn’t actually want to think

about the past or about Brady. I squeezed Demetri’s hand. I wanted

to be there for him on his birthday.

“You okay?” He kissed my cheek.

“Yup!” I offered my best smile. “Time to celebrate being

old!”

Demetri laughed and tugged me towards the front door.

****

“Holy crap.” We’d just pulled up to Demetri’s house. I’d

never seen it looking so… famous? Was that the right word? Lights

lit up the entire house, torches lined the sidewalk, and there were

chic pieces of furniture out front with blankets, and candles on each

table. It was the perfect place to watch the waves. “Alec went kind

of… crazy.” I gulped when I saw all the photographers outside.

“Unbelievable.” Demetri muttered a curse. “I thought Alec

took care of the paparazzi.”

My eyes took in about twenty people, all with cameras,

waiting outside the house. “Yeah, apparently not.”

“Can you do this?” Demetri turned off the car and reached

for my hand. “It will be really quick, I promise. Smile, nod your

head, and don’t say anything, okay? Even if they say I’m a bastard

and carrying Selena Gomez’s love child, just keep smiling.”

I burst out laughing. “If someone said that I would die

laughing, so no worries there. Selena Gomez, huh?”

“One of the many rumors. Believe me. I bet Justin Bieber

was getting ready to kick my ass.”

“That…” I kissed his cheek. “I would pay to see.”

“You and millions of girls worldwide.” He winked.

“Let’s go, birthday boy, before your head gets too big for this

car.”

The minute we got out of the car the cameras started

flashing, nearly blinding me with their intensity. To say I was

scared would be a huge understatement. I mean, these people were

so interested in Demetri, they were camping outside of his house!

We walked hand and hand towards the front door. A reporter

lunged for us. “Is it true, Demetri? Are you proposing tonight?”

I stifled a laugh. While Demetri answered. “Yes, right after I

find out if the baby’s a boy or girl.”

The reporter gasped and then narrowed her eyes. “Very

funny.”

Demetri patted her on the back. “I thought so. Now, Clara,

we’re on a first name basis, I mean, I buy your photographer coffee

every other Saturday.”

“Thanks, bro!” someone shouted.

“No problem.” Demetri focused back on Clara as the lights

continued to flash. “Think you could try to keep the crowd from

going crazy? I mean, it is my birthday.” His heart-stopping smile

nearly had me gasping for air.

“Damn you, Demetri Daniels, and damn your smile.” Clara

nudged him and took a large step back. The rest somehow followed

suit making it easier for us to get inside the house.

“You’re here!” Nat screamed launching herself into

Demetri’s arms. I was suddenly super grateful I knew she and Alec

were in love. The girl was gorgeous and was at this moment

hugging the guy I liked as if he was the best thing since Starbucks

was invented.

“Sucks, huh?” Alec said. I didn’t even know he was next to

me.

“What?”

“Their connection. I used to hate it, but now, I’m thankful.

I’m glad they love each other. Considering the alternative.”

“What’s the alternative?” I asked, finally looking at him.

He shrugged. “They hate each other and try to kill one

another each time we’re in the same room together. That would be

worse.”

“Valid point.” Sighing, I shrugged out of my jacket while

Nat and Demetri talked a mile a minute.

“Let me take that.” Alec grabbed my jacket and then placed

his hand on the small of my back as he walked me into the house.

Around twenty strangers were scattered about, lounging on

the couches and sitting outside on the deck. A few were in the hot

tub. All in all, it seemed like a normal party. Yes, normal, if normal

parties had attendees who looked like they just stepped out of

Gossip Girl.

“Hmm…” I said aloud.

“Hmm, is right. Most of these people have to be here in

order to gain some type of publicity for new records or shows that

are dropping this fall, so for the most part…”

“So no friends?”

“Five, five I would count as a friend.”

How sad. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

“Speaking of friends,” he mumbled under his breath just as

a guy sauntered over to us.”

“Tell me she’s going to be on the show.” Holy crap, the guy

looked like Robert Pattinson. He even had the British accent.

“Undecided,” Alec answered for me. “Alyssa, meet

Jaymeson.”

“Oh, the action star who has to master the American accent

for all his films. It’s a pleasure.” I held out my hand, but he didn’t

take it. Instead he stared at me closely for at least two minutes. Do I

pull my hand back? What the heck was I supposed to do?

Finally he took my hand and pulled me forward so I was

only inches from his face. “You don’t belong to Alec. I’ve already

met Nat. She’s outspoken, like you. Please, I’m begging. Tell me

you aren’t taken.”

“By the birthday boy himself,” Demetri said from behind

me. “Hands off, Jaymeson.”

“What’s a guy gotta do these days? Hole up in Seaside and

wait for a hot woman to walk by?” Jamie released my hand and

cursed. “I swear you guys are the luckiest bastards.”

“We know,” Demetri said squeezing my shoulders.

I leaned back into him. He made me feel protected and

wanted. I wondered why Alec would throw him a party with

perfect strangers when really all he probably wanted to do was

spend it with us.

“Friends’ party commences in five,” Demetri said in my ear.

“Friends’ party?” I repeated.

“Yup.” Alec winked.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand!” Nat said walking up to us

with her fingers pointed as guns into the air.

“Excuse her.”Alec pulled Nat into his arms and kissed her

hard on the mouth. “She’s had two lattes, and I just caught her

taking a straight-up shot of espresso.”

“Why, Nat? Why?” Demetri threw his hands into the air.

“You get Nat patrol tonight. It’s my birthday, so when she wants to

hang out at four a.m., it’s your job, dude.” He pointed at Alec who

was now having a heck of a time keeping Nat still.

“My job and my curse.” Alec smirked in my direction. I felt

my face heat. Geez, how could it not? The guy was beautiful and

famous and… It was weird. He made me more nervous than

Demetri. With Demetri things felt amazing and comfortable.

“The party is here!” announced Connor and Sam from the

door. Surprisingly, Aaron and Holly followed behind. Maybe

everything was okay, after all?

“Friends’ party. It’s time.” Nat clapped. “Okay, everyone,

Jaymeson included, y’all can follow me!”

Chapter Twenty-eight

Demetri

I seriously needed to buy Nat a present. The entire upstairs

rec room had been transformed into party central.

The flat screen was set up with Rock Band. It looked like a

taffy piñata threw up in the room. Seriously, I’d never seen so

much taffy in my life and I worked at a taffy store.

Funny, usually my birthdays were giant drunken fests that I

rarely remembered. I knew I’d remember tonight. It was perfect.

“You know I love you, right?” I pulled Nat into a hug and

kissed her temple.

“I know.” Nat squirmed against me. “I’m your favorite.”

“Actually…” I sighed. “I think I may have a new favorite.”

My eyes instantly locked with Alyssa’s as she made her way

toward me.

“Happy Birthday, Demetri,” Nat whispered in my ear and

walked off. My eyes fell onto Alyssa as she slowly unwrapped a

piece of taffy and popped it in her mouth. How did she make

eating taffy look so damn sexy?

Before she could say anything, I grabbed her and kissed her.

Plunging my tongue into her mouth so I could taste the flavor of

the taffy she just ate.

“Butterscotch,” I said against her lips.

“And I thought I was the only one with the cool party

tricks.” Alyssa giggled. Hell, I loved that girl’s laugh. It was already

the best birthday of my life just having her there in my arms. I was

almost able to forget about all the drama surrounding us. Almost. I

just prayed Holly would tell her soon so I wouldn’t have to feel

guilty anymore.

“Want to see another party trick?” I winked.

“I don’t know. Do I?”

I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek then pulled back. Her

eyes squinted and then she laughed. “Was that the trick?”

I let out a laugh and gave the signal to Alec, the same one I

used to give him at clubs that meant watch out I’m about to get down.

Music filtered through the sound system in the room. “Party

like it’s the end of the world…” I started singing. “Turn it up, turn

it up, it ain’t the end of the world.”

“Demetri, what are you doing?” Alyssa stepped back, her

face slightly blushing. I just yelled. “Turn it up!”

The music was loud enough to disturb the peace in the

entire neighborhood, but I didn’t care. I pulled Alyssa against me

and began to dance like it really was the end of the world, which in

my mind if she kept looking at me like that, it sure as hell felt like

it.

A guy can only take so much teasing before he dies for lust

or want, or whatever the hell I was feeling right then.

She wasn’t a bad dancer, then again she had been a

cheerleader, and then she busted out. Yes, busted out. I really

didn’t know how else to explain it, but I was kind of shocked into

submission as my eyes watched her hips sway. Her arms went

above her head and then she was doing some crazy thing with her

leg where she wrapped it around me flipped around.

People cheered. I barely heard them — all I saw was her,

and the smile on her face. The smile that I knew was completely

genuine, not hidden, not fake, and not for show. It was all for me.

I joined in dancing. And then Alec and Nat joined us.

Soon every single one of the friends invited to the friends’

party were in the middle of the floor jumping up and down.

“You guys suck!” I heard a male voice yell from the door. I

glanced up. Evan walked in with Alesha. We’d met this last school

year. They were both super good friends of Nat and consequently

were accepted into our tight-knit group almost immediately. It

helped that Evan was hilarious. Alesha finally stopped fainting in

our presence, and now I think I irritated her as much as she

irritated me.

They didn’t even pause. They just jumped into the middle of

the dance floor and began going to town.

The song ended and I was already sweaty. I pulled Alyssa

against me, she pushed back and laughed. “Was that your party

trick? Oh, look at me! I’m Demetri Daniels and I can dance!” I knew

she was teasing, but I’m competitive. I think I proved my point

back when we did bumper cars, I mean seriously.

“Set it up!” I yelled at Alec.

“No, dude. Remember what happened last time?”

“Do it!” I yelled back.

Alec smirked and began hooking in a new game and game

station.

“What’s going on?” Alyssa asked peering around me.

“Dancing competition, no big deal.”

“I’ll win,” she said confidently.

“If you win, you get one favor. If I win…” I licked my lips

and allowed my eyes to graze her from head to toe. “I get you… all

night.”

“Deal.” She held out her hand. I took it and then yanked her

into my arms sealing our deal with a hungry kiss.

“It’s ready!” Alec called. He’d turned the music down, so

now the game system was getting filtered through the speakers.

Everyone gathered around.

The first song was one of ours, which Evan said was

cheating. Bastard. Of course, the song landed on One Direction. I

mean, really? Do these guys know how much they haunt my

everyday life? Seriously, someone should tell them. I would vote

for Nat, but she’d probably pass out if she met them. I mean, the

girl didn’t even care when we moved into her small town. We were

even more famous at the time, but did she throw her panties? No.

Did she ask for autographs? No. But the minute anyone mentioned

One Direction, she got all flustered and what not.

Dumb.

“Ready?” Alyssa glanced at me.

“I’m always ready, sweetheart.”

The music started and we began to dance in front of the

Kinect.

I destroyed her. I felt kind of bad. I mean, she was getting all

sweaty in her sexy dress, and then my eyes fell on a bead of sweat

as it ran down her back, and I’m pretty sure I just stopped

breathing.

“One more!” she shouted. Everyone cheered.

The song that popped on was Justin Bieber. Of course it was,

because you couldn’t have One Direction without Justin Bieber. I

was cursed. I was freaking cursed.

We started dancing, and then all of a sudden Alyssa froze. I

tried to encourage her to keep going. I slightly punched her in the

arm as if to get her back into it, but instead of dancing, she shook

her head a few times and then ran out the door to the upstairs

balcony.

“Uhh…” I scratched my head. “Keep playing, guys. I’ll be

right back.”

I chased after her.

She was leaning over the side of the railing as if she was

going to throw up. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I just freaked, sorry.”

“Brady?” I asked trying to keep the irritation out of my

voice.

“It was our song.” She shrugged. “No big deal, honest. I’m

fine. I think I was getting a little hot too.”

“You weren’t getting hot, you were already on fire.” I

cupped her face and kissed her lightly on the mouth.

“I want to forget him,” she said against my lips. “When I’m

with you. I don’t feel him anymore.”

“Is that what you want?” I asked feeling more excited about

our relationship than I had in days.

“Yeah.” Alyssa looked down. “Demetri, you said you

weren’t going to ask me to choose, but you need to know…” Her

lower lip trembled. Bright blue eyes looked back at me. Tears

welled at the bottom of her thick black eyelashes. “I choose you.”

Can a person’s heart skip a beat? I swear mine just did. I

opened my mouth to say something, but nothing happened. I

couldn’t find my voice.

Alyssa smirked. “Cat got your tongue?” It was the same

thing I’d asked the day before when she was all nervous.

“No.” I jerked her head so that our lips crushed against one

another. “You do. You have everything.”

I gave up trying to protect my shattered heart. I gave up

trying to be strong. Everything — every single wall I had erected

was gone, and in its place was her.

Chapter Twenty-nine

Alyssa

“You smile, I smile,” Brady crooned in my ear. His voice wasn’t

the best, but it made me giggle.

“Stop!” I pressed my hands against his chest. “Fine, I’m smiling!”

“Good.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

“You know I hate it when you’re sad.”

I rolled my eyes. “Babe, I have you. As long as I have you I’ll

always smile. I promise.”

“Nope.” He shook his head. “Not good enough. I need you to

promise me you’ll smile even if I’m gone.”

“Like when you’re at school?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah, or when I’m old and gray and I die before you do, because

I’m a selfish bastard like that.”

At that I laughed. “Okay, I’ll smile regardless.”

He sighed and dropped my hand. “Sometimes I feel guilty for

keeping you, Alyssa. The things I’ve done… I don’t know. I just feel like

this giant mess when I’m around you and all your goodness.”

“I can be bad,” I snapped.

“Whoa, easy, killer.” Brady held up his hands. “You know what I

mean. Never lose your smile and never lose your innocence, okay? Trust

me, it’s not worth it.”

The song continued playing, but I panicked. It wasn’t the

same panic I’d had before. It was something else that I couldn’t

quite put my finger on. Memories of Brady had been coming back

full force, and for some reason I was remembering things

differently. Like how whenever we were together it was almost like

he was warning me, or like somehow he knew there was an

expiration date on our time together.

I needed air. Once outside, I was able to breathe and then all

of a sudden I felt peace. It had nothing to do with the warm night

air or the salty breeze, and had everything to do with the guy who

chased after me.

Demetri Daniels.

I needed him more than I needed the fresh air. I needed his

touch, his kiss. Everything about him made me feel whole again.

Being with him wasn’t unhealthy. It wasn’t as if I needed him to

live a normal day to day life. No, he just made everything else

easier. If I had to climb Mount Everest, I had a feeling Demetri

would nod his head and say, “Where do I sign up?”

I needed his positive attitude. But more than anything, I

needed his encouragement, his love.

“I choose you.” The words were out of my mouth before I

could stop them. And the look on his face was something I don’t

think I’ll ever forget.

“Let’s go cut the cake.” I nudged him as we walked back

into the party. The rest of the friends were still playing the Kinect,

but Alec and Nat were busy cutting cake.

Sam stumbled next to me. I caught his arm and recoiled as

the smell of whiskey hit me full force. The only reason I even knew

it was whiskey was because I had picked up Brady one night after a

drunken party. He had sobbed his eyes out and said he was sorry. I

think he felt bad that he was drunk.

“Sorry.” Sam reached for my arm and nearly missed. I put

my hand in his and led him over to the couch.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m so done!” he yelled.

Just then Holly ran up to him with Aaron by her side. “Let’s

get you home, Sam.”

He shook his head no and pulled a flask out of his pocket,

nearly missing his own mouth as he took a sip. Soon I felt

Demetri’s hand on my back.

“Dude, no alcohol.”

Sam just laughed.

Soon Alec had him in the air and pressed against the wall.

Holy muscles. My eyes widened as Alec slammed him against the

wall. “Leave before I call the police.”

“She doesn’t deserve your shit.” Sam spat. “You should

know that right now, Alyssa. He’s going to mess up one of these

days. Just like Brady.”

Alec dropped him, he fell to his knees. Everything happened

in slow motion as I saw murderous rage cloud Demetri’s features.

He lunged for Sam, but Aaron held him back.

“Son of a bitch!” Demetri jerked against Aaron’s arms. “Get

the hell out of my house right now!”

“He’s mad because he knows.” Sam pushed himself off the

floor. “Isn’t that right, Holly? Everyone knows what a bastard my

brother was.”

“Stop it!” I yelled. “Stop!” No one was expecting me to

launch myself on a guy, but I couldn’t help myself. I began beating

his chest with my fists. “Take it back! Take it back!”

Soon I felt Demetri’s arms around me, lifting me off of Sam.

I’d gotten a few good hits in, but I may as well have just gotten into

a fight with a wall. My knuckles were bloody.

“Shh.” Demetri tried to calm me down.

“He was perfect!” I shouted, directing my anger toward

Sam. “He was a star quarterback! He was good son! A wonderful

person!”

Demetri tightened his hold on me.

“He cheated!” Sam screamed causing the entire room to fall

silent. “You’re perfect boyfriend cheated on you while you were

dating. He got Holly pregnant! So next time get your facts right.

I’m out.” Sam stumbled to his feet.

Connor followed him out, his eyes wide with surprise.

Holly slumped against Aaron, tiny sobs escaped her mouth.

“I should have told you. Demetri said I needed to tell you but —”

“Shit.” I heard Demetri behind me. He released his hold on

my arms.

Tears threatened to pour down my face. “W-what? What do

you mean Demetri told you?”

Holly wiped her eyes and choked on her words. “He found

out the night we wrote our regrets because this was mine, Alyssa.

My regret was never telling Brady and never telling you. I didn’t

want to ruin what you guys had and —”

“When?” I interrupted her, my body slowly started to go

numb as I tried to focus on my breathing. “When did it happen?”

“The end of summer after football camp. It was a Friday

night…”

I didn’t need to hear any more. I knew what night it was

because it was the same night I picked him up from the party. The

same night I saw him drunk, and it was the same night he told me

he loved me for the first time.

I started seeing spots and then total blackness consumed me.

This time I didn’t care if I ever woke up.

Chapter Thirty

Demetri

My heart dropped to the ground. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t

think as Alyssa slumped to the ground. I caught her before she hit

her head, and then I looked to Alec for help.

He began clearing people out. Nat asked if I wanted her to

stay, but that was the last thing I needed. I swear, drama followed

me just like the Biebs and boy bands.

Holly apologized about ten times then left with Aaron.

Best birthday ever.

At least I didn’t get drunk and gain myself a DUI and a cell

mate named Bertha.

“Alyssa? Sweetheart, can you hear me?” I took her to the

nearest couch and cupped her face.

The moan that came from her was nearly my undoing as her

eyelids fluttered open.

I didn’t see her hand until it was too late. She slapped me so

hard across the cheek I was afraid I lost a tooth.

“Guess I deserved that,” I muttered holding my face.

“You bastard!” She tried to get up but I gently held her back.

“Shh, you need to rest. You just fainted.”

“What I need is to stop surrounding myself with assholes!

Now get off of me!”

“No.” Panic was overwhelming my common sense. “If I let

you go, you won’t come back. And I need you. I love you, Alyssa. I

love you so damn much it hurts, and it kills me that you’re

hurting.”

“I’m hurting because you betrayed me, Demetri.” She

shoved hard against him. “You did this.”

“Me? You’re going to pin this on me?” I jerked away from

her. “I tried to protect you and protect Brady’s memory and it’s my

fault? That’s bullshit and you know it, Lyss! He’s the cheater! He’s

the guy who betrayed you, that abandoned you, and now you’re

going to make me the bad guy?”

“You should have told me.” Her lower lip trembled. “I knew

this would happen.”

“What? What do you mean?” I fought to keep the tears in.

“Us. I knew we wouldn’t last.” She smiled sadly as tears

streamed down her face. “We’re too different. I mean, you’re like

an accident waiting to happen. You’ve even said so yourself. Two

broken pieces don’t always fit.”

“What are you saying?” I reached for her but she walked

around me toward the door.

“I’m saying goodbye.”

“Just like that?” I chased after her. She ran down the stairs

and out the door.

“Yes.” She turned around, hands on her hips. “Just like that,

Demetri. You got once chance. You blew it. You blew my heart into

a million pieces. You don’t get do-overs. Sorry if it’s hard for you to

understand. I mean, don’t all rich rock stars get do-overs?” She

laughed bitterly. “But you can’t rebuild someone’s heart once it’s

been broken.”

She pulled off her shoes and began walking in the direction

of her house. Not bothering to turn around when I yelled after her.

“I know.”

“Shit!” I ran back upstairs to the rec room and sat on the

couch. My hand touched something smooth and wet. I froze.

The flask.

Sam must have thrown it.

With trembling fingers I touched the cool steel. My brain

was screaming at me to make the pain go away. I wanted to be

numb so damn bad. I hated feeling weak. I hated tears.

I cursed and grabbed the flask and walked out to the

balcony.

Shaking, I dumped the entire contents over the edge and

then threw the flask as far as I could.

“Nice arm.”

“Go away.”

Alec cursed and leaned against the railing. “I don’t even

know what to say to make you feel better. Seriously, and we

thought our shit was all messed up.”

I laughed bitterly. “Life blows.”

“Yup.”

“Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes. “You’ve got Nat. You had the

happy ending, and you didn’t almost die last year. I’d say life’s

pretty good for you right now, right?”

“Wrong.” Alec laughed humorlessly. “There’s always

something, Demetri. Always. You should know that by now.”

“What’s your current something?” My curiosity was piqued.

“Promise you won’t tell?”

“Who am I going to tell? I just lost one of my only good

friends.”

“Valid point.” Alec’s fingers flexed across the ledge. “A

groupie contacted our agent and said I got her pregnant.”

“Babies everywhere,” I muttered.

“Right.” Alec closed his eyes. “Nat didn’t talk to me for two

whole days.”

“Verdict still out?” I asked.

“Yup. God, what I wouldn’t do for a cigarette right now or a

drink.” Alec laughed. “It’s like I’ve turned into you.”

“Very funny.” I was still heartbroken but I managed a smile.

“I wish someone would have warned us when we were kids.”

Alec frowned. “Warned us?”

“About how exposed life is. When you’re little the biggest

complaint you have is when you’re going to get your next meal, or

if you can stay up late and watch TV. As you get older things get

more and more serious. You realize that death is inevitable, people

fail you, and those you love will always leave you.”

“Not always.” Alec put his arm around me.

“Right, I’m touched. We have each other. Excuse me for not

being thrilled over the fact that the girl I love just jumped on my

heart and ran me over with a car.”

We watched the waves in silence.

Alec finally spoke up. “It will work out. She’s just hurt.”

“So am I.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Cry?” I offered. “Yell? Scream? Throw a fit? Get high?”

Alec crossed his arms.

“I’m going to fight for her. I’m going to fight every damn

day I have breath in my body, and if I die trying than at least I died

loving someone with every part of my soul.”

Chapter Thirty-one

Alyssa

Numb, I walked the two miles to my house. The lights were

off, meaning my parents were probably already in bed. For the first

time in years, I wished my dad would have been waiting for me. I

wished they would tell me what to do. My damn heart was

breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.

It felt like everything that was so secure beneath me just

crumbled beneath my feet. As if the life I’d lived these past few

weeks was a giant joke.

I threw my shoes across the room and sat on my bed,

putting my head in my hands. Tears dripped from my cheeks onto

the floor.

I should have known something bad was going to happen

what with all the smiling I’d been doing lately. Sniffing, I wiped my

cheeks and looked up at my dresser. The packet Sam had given me

was sitting there with the sticky note still on it.

Well, my night couldn’t get any worse.

I quickly changed out of my dress and into sweats and

grabbed the packet from the dresser. With a deep breath, I opened

the packet and frowned.

It was one of those moleskin notebooks. The red leather

cover was slightly faded. With shaking hands I opened the first

page.

July 19, 2010

Sometimes I wish she knew how much I loved her. Every time I get

ready to say it, I choke. The words are there, the feeling is there, but it’s

like I freeze up and then start to panic. I mean, are you supposed to find

the love of your life at the age of seventeen? If she only knew how much it

freaked me out. I mean, the other day I found myself wondering what our

kids would look like.

I can’t tell anyone but Sam, and even then he thinks I’ve lost my

mind too. But, it’s killing me not being able to share that part of my soul

with her. At the same time, I wonder if she’ll reject me. All the shit I’ve

done is ridiculous, and the worst part is even though I love her, I still do

things I know I shouldn’t.

Yesterday she asked if I ever did drugs. I laughed in her face and

shook her off. Later that night I got high with Sam and Connor. I felt

terrible afterward, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have all that

pressure. I’m just thankful that the football coach turns the other way.

My mom’s calling me for dinner, and I gotta go find Alyssa so we

can hang out before the carnival. Sometimes I feel so confused.

Tears streamed down my face as I flipped ahead a few

pages. One of them was marked. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose

or not.

September 1, 2010

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like shit. It’s the

second time in a year that I’ve cheated on the girl I love and I didn’t even

remember it happening.

Alyssa picked me up last night from the party. I’m sure I was a

mess. Sam said I drank a lot. I don’t really remember much except for

Holly crying and me comforting her and then, well… an hour later I woke

up in bed with her. I must have blacked out.

I threw up for ten minutes before dialing Alyssa’s number. I meant

to tell her everything, to say what a complete screw up I was. But the

minute I heard her sweet voice I chickened out.

It was the only time she saw me drunk. I still felt pretty wasted by

the time she dropped me off. Apparently all I needed was a little liquid

courage because the minute my feet touched the concrete I turned around

and told her I loved her.

I’m a piece of shit. I told her I loved her for the first time only hours

after having sex with someone else.

I started to cry, and then I felt worse because I knew she took the

tears for passion when they were tears of regret.

If I could take that day back I would, but I can’t. And I can’t take

back the time before that. The drinking is out of control. The partying is

getting to me, but I’m selfish. I’d rather keep this from her than tell her.

Because if I tell her then I lose her, and I can’t lose the only woman I’ve

ever loved.

October 27, 2010

I love her. With every fiber of my being. I love her more than life. I

know I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but I’m going to tell

her before I leave for school. I have to tell her the truth, and if she rejects

me, then at least I know I was completely honest with her before I took her

heart away with me to school.

I dropped the journal to the floor. Something fluttered out of

the pages. Leaning over, I picked it up.

A picture of me and Brady. We looked so happy. His smile

was wide and beautiful. I was tucked under his arm like a football,

and he was swinging me around.

“Why? Brady?” I threw the picture to the floor and sobbed

into my hands. Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he tell me? Why

wasn’t I good enough? I had so many questions. Ones that I knew I

would never ever get the answer to. Which made everything so

much worse!

How could he hurt me like that? How could he betray me?

Did he only cheat twice? And what made those girls more worthy

than his own girlfriend? Than a girl he supposedly loved?

I jerked up when I heard something knock against my

window.

Demetri was hunched over, looking like he was going to tear

open the window or throw a rock through it if I didn’t move quick.

I sighed and walked over to the window and opened it.

He was so beautiful. His blue eyes were wide with concern

as he reached out and pulled me into his chest. The tears clouded

my vision so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out again.

“I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I’m so so sorry.” Demetri rocked me

back and forth and then scooped me up into his arms and laid me

across the bed.

Without thinking I reached for him and crushed my lips

against his. His groan was desperate as his hands went to my shirt

and lifted it over my head.

Yes, this is what I needed. To forget everything but Demetri.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Demetri stared at me reverently as

his hands moved across my hips. I was feeling so many sensations

at once. As if just one tiny touch from him would shatter me into a

million pieces.

“I love you.” He knelt down in front of me and kissed my

stomach. “I love you too much to do this right now.” He stood up

and went in for another scorching kiss.

What did he mean too much?

I reached for his shirt and tried to lift it over his head. He

wouldn’t budge. I tried again, this time our tongues tangled until I

was out of breath.

“Sweetheart, you’re going to kill me.”

“What’s wrong?” I stepped back suddenly feeling insecure

about the fact that I was shirtless.

“Nothing.” He chuckled and then cursed. “And everything.”

I held myself tighter wishing I could disappear into the

floor. “You’re just like him! I hate you!”

“Whoa.” Demetri stepped toward me. But I jerked away.

“Leave me alone!”

“No.” Demetri grabbed my elbow and threw me onto the

bed covering my body with his. “I can’t just leave you alone. I love

you.”

My body was numb again as I gazed up at Demetri. “He

said he loved me too.”

Demetri froze, his breathing was heavy. “It’s not the same.”

“It is the same,” I said through tears. “It’s the same damn

cycle and I can’t seem to break it. You’ll get bored with me. He did

and he wasn’t famous. You’ll get tired of me and then you’ll leave

me, just like him.”

“It wasn’t Brady’s fault he died, Alyssa. He didn’t mean to

leave you.”

“You won’t either.”

“Damn it, Alyssa! Do you hear yourself? When are you

going to stop running?”

Shuddering, I looked away. “I think you should go.”

“I can’t.”

“Go!” I sobbed. “Please, just… go. I need time.”

“It’s not me, it’s you. You need time. You need space. You

want to take a break. Sure I’ve heard the speech before. I hate that

I’ve heard that speech so much, but let me ask you one thing.”

“What?” I gulped, was this the last time I would touch him?

Feel his skin against mine?

“The love you felt for Brady, is it the same you feel for me?”

Goodbye, Demetri Daniels… “No.” I shook my head as a

few stray tears fell down my swollen cheeks. It was more. It was

better, but I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t let Demetri know how

much of my heart he held, because I wasn’t sure I could trust him

not to take it and never give it back. I was already a mess. I was a

hundred different shades of angry. I was broken.

“Right.” Demetri closed his eyes for a few seconds before

releasing my arms and walking over to the window. “You need to

know something…”

“What’s that?” Just leave already so I don’t take it all back!

“I’ll never stop.”

“Never stop?”

“Loving you,” Demetri said sadly. “I won’t stop. You can

hate me forever. Shit, I’ll even take all the blame for what Brady did

to you. I’ll take it on my shoulders and I’ll bear that burden for you.

So if it helps, hate me, despise me, curse me… If it helps you heal,

then I’ll be the punching bag. Just know that every time you curse

me, my answer is I love you. Every time you hit me, my answer is I

love you, and every time you close your eyes, I’ll still be loving

you.”

Something finally snapped inside me. Maybe it was my

sanity; whatever it was, I felt it the minute it unleashed. Like a tiny

thread that was finally stretched too tight and with one final pull, it

disintegrated.

All I knew is everything hurt, and all my hurt was directed

at Brady. I could see it now, but Demetri was standing right there

so I lashed out.

I grabbed the journal off the floor and threw it at his face. It

missed him by a few feet. I started scrambling on the floor for

something else to throw, something else that could cause him pain,

make him hurt as much as I hurt.

I was on my hands and knees when it happened. When

Demetri’s arms flew around me and held me close to his chest. I

threw my elbows and legs all over the place, but he was

unmovable.

Exhausted, I finally collapsed in his arms.

“I hate him so much.”

“I know, sweetheart. I know.”

I don’t know how long we sat on the floor like that. Me in

his arms, rocking back and forth. After a while my eyes grew heavy

and I succumbed to the darkness.

Chapter Thirty-two

Demetri

A shitty day was just made worse. I walked — correction —

I ran to Alyssa’s house, and now I was paying the price for staying

up half the night with her while she cried in my arms.

I kissed her on the forehead before I left. I even tucked her in

bed so she could rest.

It was a new day. Maybe things would start to get better?

As I turned the last corner that led me back to the

boardwalk, a camera went off and then another and another until I

was blinded by paparazzi.

“Demetri, you look terrible. Are you on drugs again?”

“Demetri! Did your girlfriend dump you?”

“Is the show canceled?”

“Where’s your brother?”

My mouth opened to give a snotty retort when I felt

someone’s arm around my shoulders. I looked up to see Jaymeson

grinning like a fool.

“Enough about AD2, let’s talk about me.” He pushed me

slightly out of the way and directly into Nat’s arms.

I shook as she held me and walked me to where Alec was

standing.

We walked in silence to the beach house. Nat kept holding

me close to her as if trying to protect me from all the crazy people

out there. And Alec, for once, didn’t joke about our relationship. He

didn’t say one damn thing, though it looked like the next person

who spoke was going to get punched in the face.

Finally, once we were in the safety of our own house, with

Bob at the door like some sort of guard dog, Alec lost it.

“What the hell, Demetri? You were out all night! You

weren’t answering you phone and you just disappeared! Nobody

knew where you were.”

“Sorry.” I sighed in exhaustion.

“You look like shit, man.”

“Thanks,” I croaked.

“Where did you go?”

“To hell and back, thanks for asking. Do we have any

coffee?”

Nat patted my hand. “I’ll run next door and get some. You

guys ran out yesterday.”

The room fell silent except for Nat’s footsteps on the

hardwood floor as she left our house and ran next door.

“I went to fix things with Alyssa.”

“And how’d that work out for you?”

“Does my shirt look like it has a rainbow on it? Are birds

chirping in the distance and butterflies flapping around my head?”

“That sucks, bro.”

“Wow, you really need to learn how to give better advice.” I

shook my head. “I’m just exhausted. I think I need five pounds of

coffee and at least a few hours of sleep before I can talk about it.”

“Oh,” came Nat’s voice. I turned around to see not just her

standing there but Mrs. Murray as well.

“Care to talk?”

“Care to medicate me?” I snapped.

“He’s tired,” Alec explained.

“Your choice, Demetri,” Mrs. Murray said.

Exhaustion finally hit the tipping point as I nodded my

head. I couldn’t speak. I felt like I was stuck in a terrible nightmare,

that at some point I’d wake up and Alyssa would be smiling again

in my arms.

“Coffee and then we talk and then medication?” The words

stumbled out in a slur.

Mrs. Murray smiled. “Yes to the first two, and no to the

last.”

“A guy can try.”

****

A half hour later I was in Mrs. Murray’s office sitting on the

floor. The coffee had woken me up a bit but not as much as I would

have liked.

It felt weird to be sitting in the exact same spot I’d sat in

every week and think about how much I’d changed.

When I first came to therapy I was a total ass.

Now I was a broken ass.

I wondered which was better?

I smirked at my own joke. Yup, completely exhausted.

“Something funny?” Mrs. Murray asked taking her seat.

“Life.”

“If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, am I right?”

I nodded in agreement. “I don’t really know what to say. I

just spent the night holding the girl I love in my arms. Watching

pain rip through her heart almost killed me.”

“I need you to know something, Demetri.” Mrs. Murray

folded her hands across her lap and sighed. “I can’t be your

therapist anymore.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you seriously trying to

kill me?” I couldn’t believe she would drop this bomb on me after

the night I’d had! I was ready to unleash on her when she joined

me on the floor and then reached over and gave me a hug.

“I know your mom and dad are gone, Demetri. I know you

and Alec are alone. Sometimes people don’t need therapy. They

don’t even need to talk. They just need to be held. And you have

nobody to hold you, no adult to tell you how proud they are of

you. As your therapist I can tell you you’ve made great strides.”

She laughed and pulled away. “As Nat’s mother I want to

tell you that I am so proud of the man you have become, and I

know your parents would feel the same way. You are stronger than

you’ll ever know, and you will get through this, maybe not today,

maybe not tomorrow, but each day as you heal, the pain will

slowly dissipate and you’ll walk away from this feeling stronger

than before. “You want to know what makes life so beautiful?”

I shook my head.

“Pain. Pain makes life beautiful, because if we never had

pain, we’d never be forced to grow. You’ve been given your fair

share of pain, some of it self-inflicted, some of it just bad luck. But

as a therapist I have to believe there’s a reason for it, and as a mom

I know everything happens for a reason. Your pain matches your

destiny, and you, Demetri Daniels, have a great destiny.”

Unable to think of what to do I just stared at her and told

myself that guys don’t cry and that I’d been doing too much of that

lately.

After a few brief seconds I found my voice. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Oh, and you’re fired.”

“Finally.” Mrs. Murray winked. “You know you can talk to

me anytime, but you’ve been more of a son to me than my client

this last year.”

“Thanks for separating the two until I was ready.”

“I’m not a fan of overwhelming people just getting over

drug addictions.”

“That reminds me.” I snapped my fingers. “You got those

meds?”

“Go home, Demetri.”

I saluted her and walked out of the house feeling lighter

than I’d felt in years. The pain was still there, but now it was a

reminder of growth.

With a smile on my face I pulled out my phone and texted

Alyssa.

GOOD MRNING BEAUTIFUL! HW WAS UR NIGHT?

MINE WAS HORRIBLE EVEN WITH YOU BY MY SIDE. I WILL

LOVE YOU FOREVER. WHN UR READY U CAN FIND ME ON

THE CORNER W MY BUCKET.

Chapter Thirty-three

Alyssa

The buzz from my phone woke me out of a dead sleep. I

reached next to me expecting Demetri to still be there, but he was

gone.

Rejection washed over me all over again. It was safe to say I

was past the angry stage and heading into the depths of

depression. My phone went off again.

I found it on the nightstand. Once my eyes adjusted I noticed

it was from Demetri.

Being dehydrated from crying all night, I didn’t think I had

any moisture left in my body, but wonder of all wonders a warm

tear slipped down my cheek onto my phone when I saw his

message.

Stupid taffy bucket. I should hide the thing. That would

freak him out.

I couldn’t reply, not yet. Everything was still so fresh in my

mind. I walked slowly to my bathroom and started the shower,

replaying all the drama of the day before in my head.

After my shower, I made my way downstairs and started to

pour myself a bowl of cereal, when the doorbell rang.

I knew my parents were most likely already at the store. I

shuffled over to the door and pulled it open.

Holly was waiting on the other side. Her eyes were

bloodshot and she was still wearing the same clothes from last

night. And I thought I had it rough last night — at least I’d

showered.

“Can I come in?” she asked in a small voice. “I know you

probably hate me right now, but I really need to talk to you about

everything that happened.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the gory details. I mean,

technically I was more pissed at Brady than at her, and poor

Demetri had somehow been dropped smack dab in the middle of

our small town drama, but still. I was too tired of fighting

everything. I opened the door wider and let her in.

We walked in silence to the living room and sat down on the

couch.

“Your house is nice.” Holly’s wrung her hands in her lap. I

could tell she was nervous because she’d already commented on

my house the day before when she helped me get ready for

Demetri’s party. Gosh, that felt like a lifetime ago. Her eyes closed

and when she opened them back up again I knew this was

probably harder for her to do than for me. After all, she’d carried

this burden throughout Brady’s death.

“I was so angry at Aaron that night. We’d gotten into

another fight about something stupid. Weird, right? I can’t even

remember what we fought about. What was so important that I felt

the need to throw my life away in the span of ten minutes?”

I swallowed the emotion in my throat and grabbed her hand.

“We always hung out at the same parties. We weren’t

exactly friends, but it was no secret how much he liked you, Alyssa.

That night he’d been drinking a lot. I mean, we all had. You don’t

need the details. Just know that I’m pretty sure if you would have

asked him his name at the time, he wouldn’t have been able to tell

you a damn thing. The guy was wasted. He kept saying your name

over and over again once everything was done. I tried to console

him, but he just kept staring at his phone, staring at a picture of you

two.”

“He called me,” I said hoarsely. “To come pick him up.”

“I know.” Holly smiled. “I saw him stumble outside and

wait for you. I was too drunk to remember much, but know that the

look on his face was something I’ll never forget. He loved you,

Alyssa.”

I sighed. “Does real love cheat?”

Holly was quiet for a minute. “I honestly don’t know.”

“He wanted forever, but sometimes I wonder if I was

enough to fit into his picture of a lifetime.”

Holly wiped a stray tear. “I should have told you. It’s just

after everything that happened… I lost the baby the same day we

lost him. I just… I wanted to forget it all, Alyssa. Can you

understand that? I felt so horrible and I carried it everywhere with

me. I just… I don’t know. In the end I was selfish and I was afraid

of losing Aaron too.”

“Speaking of Aaron, does he know who it is now?”

Holly nodded. “I told him a few days ago. He was pissed, to

say the least. He didn’t say anything. He just slammed the door to

our apartment and didn’t come back until two a.m.”

“I’m sorry, Holly.”

She smiled sadly. “You shouldn’t be the one apologizing.”

Even though I knew she was there to apologize to me, I still

felt like I did something wrong. I mean, was I so messed up that

people had to hide the truth from me regardless of the cost to

them?

“He was, or is a great group leader, but he’s an even better

friend, Alyssa. Demetri found out and immediately begged me to

tell you, I pleaded with him to keep the secret. Granted, as a group

leader they do sign contracts about that kind thing, remember the

gag order?”

A light went on in my head. Of course I remembered. At the

time I thought it was to protect infamous Demetri. Weird how it

ended up protecting Holly, and in the end, me.

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” Holly began to cry,

her shoulders shook with emotion.

“Holly…” I felt my own voice quiver. “It’s in the past.

What’s done is done. I’m still in shock, so it’s going to take a while

to get over it, but honestly, by not forgiving you I just hurt myself

and in the end, I hurt the guy I love.”

“Brady?”

I shook my head. “Demetri.”

“You should go talk to him,” she encouraged me.

“I was planning on it.”

“I’ll leave you to it.” She patted my hand and then pulled me

into a hug. “Thanks Alyssa, for everything.”

I watched Holly leave. A new sense of calm washed over

me.

Demetri kept something from me, but at the same time it

wasn’t as if he could come out and tell me. He was the group leader

after all. When I really thought about it, I was more embarrassed

than hurt.

Sam knew the whole time and he never told me. That

sucked. Not only did my friends all abandon me, but they knew

what Brady was doing and did nothing to stop it or to protect me.

And then it hit me.

The only person who really had my best interest at heart was

Demetri. And I threw something at his face.

I was clueless on what to say, but for some reason I felt like I

was on the edge of discovering something really important. Maybe

it was the exhaustion but I knew if I just saw Demetri it would

make it better.

I wanted to surprise him with coffee. It was the least I could

do after keeping him up half the night and assaulting him. I winced

at the memory.

Throwing my purse into the car I quickly texted Nat and

asked if Demetri was working today.

YUP & HE’S GRUMPY. WATCH OUT!

He usually took the afternoon shift. It was already noon. I

quickly drove through town to the Safeway where our one and

only Starbucks was located.

Sadly, I didn’t even know what he drank, but I guessed that

for any recovering alcoholic or drug addict that it needed to be

sweet. I mean, he ate taffy like it was going out of style.

I ordered two caramel macchiatos and hightailed it back to

Seaside Taffy. The car squealed to a stop as I slammed on the

brakes next to the building. His usual corner was empty. Confused,

I strolled inside, coffees in hand.

“Um, is Demetri working today?” I asked the guy at the

counter.

“Hey, you’re Alyssa!” He seemed proud that he knew my

name. I thought it was more creepy than anything. “I’m Evan. I was

at the party last…” His words died out as he coughed awkwardly

and looked away.

“Right.” I tried to ignore the heat pooling in my cheeks. “I

need to see Demetri. It’s really important.”

Evan shrugged. “The boss gave him the day off. Said

something about Demetri scaring customers.”

Something was wrong. I don’t know how I knew it, but

something didn’t feel right. The hair on the back of my arms stood

on end. Shaking, I backed away and then tried to run out of the

store. Once I reached my car I pulled out my phone and called

Demetri.

It went straight to voicemail.

“Answer!” I called again.

Same thing.

Desperate, I dialed Nat’s number and waited for her to

answer.

“What’s up?”

“Do you know where Demetri is?” I panted, unlocking my

car and carefully setting the coffee in the cup holders so it wouldn’t

spill.

“He’s not at work?” Nat asked, confused. “Wait let me ask

Alec.”

Nat screamed for Alec. I heard muffled voices, and then Alec

was on the phone. “Alyssa?”

“Yeah, I’m looking for Demetri.”

Alec cursed. “Well, there goes that surprise.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. He just went to Canon Beach to pick

something up for you, said it would cheer you up or something. I

don’t know. Anyway he left about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Thanks.”

I hung up the phone. Should I go home? Should I chase after

him? I turned off my car and walked across the street to my

parents’ store. Maybe my dad could at least enjoy the coffee I

bought.

The door jingled when I walked in. “There she is!” My dad

announced as if I’d been missing.

I gave him a weak smile.

“You should have a bigger smile on your face than that after

what that boy is doing for you!”

“Huh?”

“The boy.” My dad repeated as if the boy was in fact

Demetri’s’ name.

“Demetri?” I asked. “What’s he doing?”

“Getting your favorite taffy.”

“I don’t have a favorite taffy…” I said slowly. “Unless?” On

family vacation my parents had taken me to a taffy store that had

the best peppermint taffy I’d ever had in my entire life. I swore to

them it was the best taffy in the world. Whenever I got sad my

parents offered to help me work on our recipe to make peppermint

taffy. It never tasted the same.

“Is he going to Canon Beach Taffy?”

My dad shrugged. “Can’t say.”

“Is he?” I repeated more urgently.

“Yes.”

“Dad…” I paced in front of him. “I have to run, but I know I

work this afternoon and…”

“Go, I think I can handle my own store.”

I ran out to the car and hopped in. The minute I turned the

ignition I froze. What was I doing? I hadn’t driven that far out of

Seaside since before the accident? Why was I going after him?

Urgency coursed through me. I could do this. I had to see him — I

had to talk to him.

He needed to know that I loved him too. That even though it

hurt, I wanted him in my life.

A familiar fear plagued me as I turned off the main Seaside

Highway and started heading down Highway 101.

Cars passed me as my car still hadn’t gotten up to speed. But

I was trying to be cautious.

One mile. Two miles. Three miles. I couldn’t stop staring at

the mile markers. Once I hit ten, I knew it was only a bit farther

before I reached the store.

And then the sound of sirens assaulted me.

I tried to ignore the panic in my heart. Tried and failed as I

slowly came up to an accident, an accident that was literally one

mile away from the one Brady and I had been in.

A black Mercedes was wrapped around the telephone pole.

My stomach dropped, and the light that Demetri had ignited

within me, died.

I pulled over and watched in absolute horror as they

directed traffic through one lane. I couldn’t move. No. This wasn’t

happening. It wasn’t. I shook my head back and forth. No.

I hit my hands against the steering wheel as my entire body

started convulsing. Everything felt numb, but at the same time, I

was still able to hear my heart as it slammed in my chest. Each

thump was like another reminder that I never got to tell Demetri

how I felt. He would never know that the love I felt for him was

more than Brady — it was everything.

And now he was gone.

I jumped out of the car praying it was a nightmare, begging

God to take it all back! It was me. I deserved to die, not him. Not

him! It was all my fault. All because he thought I needed cheering

up. He stayed with me last night, he held me while I tried to attack

him.

And now he was gone.

My heart couldn’t take it.

It was impossible. A person’s soul can only take so much

before they finally give up, before they finally want to die too.

I stumbled as I tried to cross the street, not caring that cars

were going by me. If they hit me, fine. At least I’d be with him, At

least then I could tell him how I felt.

An officer began yelling at me. Soon I felt hands grab my

arms and throw me against my own car.

I pushed against him. “Who is that? Whose car is that?” I

yelled.

“Ma’am, we need you to stand back.”

“No!” My voice shook. “I need… I need…” I began

hyperventilating. The officer helped me to the ground and

instructed me to calm down.

Right. Because telling someone who can’t breathe to calm

down is actually helpful. If he wasn’t a cop and if I wasn’t dying of

heartbreak I would have flipped him off.

All the air felt like it had been sucked out of the universe. All

that was left was pain. I was so damn tired of feeling pain.

“I’ll take care of her,” a familiar voice said through the haze

of my choking. I gasped for more air as soon as I recognized the

voice. Demetri? He didn’t say another word. He sat down on the

cold wet ground and pulled me into his body, placing his hands on

my chest, he whispered in my ear, “Breathe. Just follow me, okay?”

Too panicked to do anything, I nodded as he breathed in my

ear, pressing down on my chest when it was time to exhale and

letting up when it was time to inhale.

I closed my eyes against the flow of warm tears streaming

down my face.

“I love you.” I gasped, shaking violently in his arms. Done. I

was so incredibly done with being sad, with being traumatized. “I

thought… I thought something happened to you! Promise me,

Demetri. Promise me nothing will ever happen to you.”

He sighed heavily in my ear. “I can’t. But if I died tomorrow,

know that I loved you with my entire being today.”

Chapter Thirty-four

Demetri

I wasn’t sure she could drive herself home, so I made her

ride with me and told Nat and Alec to come get her car for her.

I’d been driving back into Seaside when I saw her fight off

the cop on the side of the road. My first instinct was to pull over

and wait in the car. I mean, clearly she was getting a ticket, right?

And then I noticed her shaking body. She was convulsing.

What the hell had the cop done to her? I quickly jumped out of my

car and ran over to her. The minute I touched her, my eyes fell on

the accident. I hadn’t really paid much attention. I figured I needed

to keep my eyes on the road, considering most accidents get made

worse by other drivers gawking.

But I saw it.

The black Mercedes, which of course a chick wouldn’t know,

but I knew, was way cheaper than mine.

And it was outside Seaside, almost to Canon Beach, which

meant only one thing. Alyssa had somehow gone after me and

thought I died. Shit. And then when she asked me to promise her

never to leave or die? Yeah, kind of impossible. If it was possible to

live forever just so she would never experience heartache again, I’d

do it in a heartbeat. I’d do anything for her.

We held hands over the console in complete silence. Alyssa

was still shaking, but at least she was breathing like a normal

human being now. I probably should have told her where I was

going or asked if she wanted to come with me, but I thought she’d

still be too pissed at me to even want to see my face.

I’d been so lost in thought that I’d gone all the way into

Canon Beach and then realized I forgot my wallet. So not only was

I without any sort of ID or cash, but I was driving illegally.

Good times.

“Did you get the taffy?” she finally asked, breaking the tense

silence.

“No.” I laughed at her weird way of breaking the silence. “I

forgot my wallet, so know that I’m totally illegal right now.”

“Want me to drive?” How cute was she?

“And suffer a panic attack? No, I’ll take my chances. Also,

you’ve just suffered a crazy trauma. I mean, I’m alive, but ten

minutes ago you thought I was dead, so yeah, let’s not tempt fate. I

imagine you’re going to be needing Xanax any minute now.”

Alyssa laughed lightly and squeezed my hand. “Um, do you

think we can stop somewhere first?”

“Sure.” I exhaled slowly allowing my heart to go back to its

natural rhythm. “Where do you want to go?”

“Drive past town, then when we get to Astoria, take a left on

the first street before we hit the stoplight.”

“Okay…” And the silence was again deafening as I drove for

the next twenty minutes. It took forever to get on the other side of

Seaside, considering the speed limit was twenty.

Finally, we reached Astoria, and it began to rain. Of course.

Panic set in when I realized where she was taking me. The

cemetery. I pulled into the parking lot and ran around to the other

side of the car to open her door.

Alyssa gave me a sad smile and grabbed my hand. We

walked for a few minutes and then she stopped.

I didn’t want to look at the grave. I already knew who it

was. Instead, I watched her, gauged her reaction. Rain fell across

her cheekbones and ran down to her lips. Some caught in her

mouth, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss the water away.

Soon salty tears mixed with the rain, and I couldn’t tell which was

which, all I knew is I wanted it to be gone. I would bleed myself till

I was dry if she would just have peace.

“Brady.” She choked a sob. “This is Demetri Daniels. He’s

kind of famous.”

“Kind of?” I joked.

Alyssa rolled her eyes and wiped some of the tears and rain

away from her face. “Sorry, my mistake. Brady, this is Demetri

Daniels. He’s a rock god.” She lifted an eyebrow in my direction. I

nodded my head.

“Better.”

“He’s a mess,” she continued. Ouch. “I mean, a huge mess.

As in, he is all kinds of screwed up. He’s a recovering alcoholic and

drug addict. He hates the color purple, he hates birds, and he

refuses to go to zoos.”

I cleared my throat.

“He’s also the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. He’s

kind, generous, funny, and he’s like the sun, always shining, which

I think I kind of need, considering I live in Seaside and all. He

makes the clouds go away, and sometimes when I think of his

smile, I close my eyes and find peace.”

“I’m telling you all of this so you know… my heart… it

didn’t die with you in the accident. I thought it did, but I was

wrong. I thought the pieces were scattered and impossible for me

to put back together again. With Demetri I discovered that my

heart still beat, and the pieces weren’t broken like I thought. They

just needed someone who knew what they were doing.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“I love him, Brady. It isn’t the same love that I had with

you…”

My stomach dropped.

“It’s better. Because I finally understand what love is. It isn’t

rainbows and butterflies. It isn’t always pretty. Sometimes it’s

jagged like broken glass, and sometimes it hurts. But love, the type

of love that’s real — the love Demetri has shown me — it’s selfless,

it’s persistent. Real love pushes your boundaries, it pulls until you

snap, and then when you think you can’t take anymore, it’s

relentless in its pursuit of your body, soul, and heart.”

I was immobile as I closed my eyes and listened to the

poetry of her words. Everything was in slow motion, the way the

rain felt against my face as her words echoed in my heart like a

lullaby. Fire ignited my soul at her truth, at the truth of existence,

the truth of what love was.

“I didn’t choose to love Demetri, Brady. It just happened.

But the minute my heart made that decision, it was impossible to

go back. It was like trying to breathe without air. I’m finally okay

with letting you go. I’m finally okay with forgiving you, because I

know whose arms I belong in. I know that the minute I turn away

from your grave, I make the conscious choice to open my heart to

real love. The love every person deserves. Goodbye, Brady.”

I opened my eyes to see Alyssa right in front of me. Makeup

ran down her face, her teeth were chattering, and her clothes were

plastered to her body. I’d never seen anything more beautiful than

her in that moment. Her eyes were shining. Her smile was wide

and bright. I reached out, needing to touch her, needing to know

that this moment between us was real.

“I love you, Alyssa.”

“I love you, Demetri.” She exhaled against my neck. Her

breath was warm, sending chills all the way down my back. “Let’s

get out of here.”

“Wait…” I released her and walked over to the grave. I’d

spent and awful lot of time cursing the guy that I should thank for

saving Alyssa’s life. Granted, he screwed up big time, and I’d be

lying if I said I wouldn’t punch him in the face if he was standing in

front of me. But still, his body shielded her from the accident.

I licked my lips. “Thank you. For protecting her, for saving

her, but most of all, for not being selfish enough to keep her for

yourself when you knew you couldn’t be faithful. I still want to hit

you for all those times you kissed her when I couldn’t. I still cringe

when I think of places your hands were that mine have yet to

explore, but in the end, she’s mine. She’ll always be mine, so thank

you. For finally allowing her to let go.”

Alyssa walked up behind me and looped her arms around

my chest. Her head bent to my back. I closed my eyes and

memorized the moment. Just me and the love of my life, her dead

ex-boyfriend, and the rain. Hell, I couldn’t have written a story this

screwed up. But I’m glad that sometimes even bad things can be

turned to good. I’m glad that the Creator of this messed up

universe saw something redeemable in me and gifted me with an

angel, when I deserved much less.

Chapter Thirty-five

Demetri

“I could seriously sleep for five years,” I grumbled once we

made it back to my beach house. I refused to let Alyssa out of my

sight. I may have lured her to my place under false pretenses. I told

her we had hot chocolate. I lied.

“Where’s this famous hot chocolate?” she asked. Damn

mind-reading women.

“Uh… Up there.” Shameless, I know. I pointed to the top

shelf. She walked over and stretched up against the counter. My

mouth went completely dry as my eyes burned wild shameless

circles around her body.

“Hmm.” She put her hands on her hips. “I didn’t see it.”

“Try again.” I was going to burn some place very hot for all

this taunting.

She stretched again, this time her shirt came up, revealing

her flat stomach and a cute belly button. I must have made some

sort of embarrassing moan or something because she froze and

then turned to give me an icy glare.

“There is not hot chocolate, is there?”

I smirked and then shrugged. “Um, I don’t know. Care to

look again?”

“You ass!” She charged towards me. I didn’t even put up a

fight as she pushed me against the counter. I just grabbed her and

lifted her into the air. She wrapped her legs around my waist and

kissed me across the mouth.

“I’m sorry…” I said between kisses. “To be fair… I just

wanted you alone… in my house… without any interruptions.”

“What about Nat and Alec?” she asked tugging my lower

lip.

“Damn, woman… I… um…” I tasted her tongue and

groaned. “They’re out.”

“Where?”

“What?” I nibbled her neck and moved lower pulling her

soaking wet shirt away from her shoulder.

“Where are they?”

“Who?” What the hell was she talking about? Her skin was

perfect. I wanted to both touch and then memorize every single

touch and how it affected her.

“Your brother. Demetri, are you even listening?”

“No,” I answered honestly. “I stopped listening the minute

you wrapped your legs around my waist, and if you don’t say stop,

I’m going to be laying you across the kitchen counter in five

seconds.”

“Five seconds, huh? That’s pretty fast. You improve your

time, bro?” My brother’s idiot voice echoed through the kitchen.

Slowly, I pulled away from Alyssa and set her on the floor.

Both Alec and Nat were standing in the kitchen, ridiculous

grins on their faces as they watched me struggle with my

embarrassment at nearly laying claim to my girlfriend near last

night’s ranch dip.

“Uhh….” I scratched my head. “Damn it! Just go away.

We’re busy.”

“We can tell,” Nat said triumphantly.

“And we can’t go,” Alec said, smug grin in place. Was it

illegal to strangle him in our house? I wondered if that was

assault…

“Our publicist and agent are taking a flight out to Portland

tonight,” he said, looking between me and Alyssa. “I take it she’s

in?”

“In what?” Alyssa asked, wrapping her arms around my

side.

“The show. It’s a go. We have to do it, and anyone who

hangs out with us has to sign a contract and stuff.”

Alyssa nodded. “I think I can do it. I mean, if it means being

with Demetri I have no choice.”

I exhaled in relief while giving Alec the glare he deserved.

Must we talk about this right now?

“There’s some other stuff…”Alec gave me the look that said

there was way more than some other stuff going on. Was he even

keeping Nat out of the loop? “Nat, why don’t you show Alyssa the

bathroom so she can change out of her wet clothes and take a

shower.” His eyes never left mine the whole time. Shit. This was

bad.

“Sure.” Nat looped her arm with Alyssa’s and they

disappeared up the stairs.

“What are you keeping from her?” I asked once they were

out of earshot.

“Everything.” Alec sighed. “They want another famous

couple for the show.”

“Don’t they have enough? I mean they’re going to be

stealing our privacy already. It’s you, me, Nat, and Alyssa.”

“And Jaymeson.”

“Pardon?” I had just taken a hug swig of water and began

coughing wildly. Alec thumped me on the back.

“Oh, that’s not the worst part.” Alec smirked.

“Great.”

“He’s bringing a girl. You know, to even the odds.”

“Who’s the lucky lady?”

Alec looked down and mumbled an answer.

“Care to repeat that?”

He mumbled again.

“What the hell! Just spit it out!”

“Angelica Greene.”

“Hell no!” I yelled and threw my hands in the air. “I’m

calling our manager right now. Hell will have to seriously freeze

the shit over before I allow that woman back in my life!”

“She’s just… Hollywood,” Alec said, defending her.

“She’s bat shit crazy. As in, the bat that feeds on the other

crazy bats and then smiles while she’s consuming their hearts!”

“Whoa, dramatic much?” Alec laughed. “What’s the deal?

So you hung out with her a bit when you were back in L.A. last

year. It’s not as if you guys hooked up.”

The room began to spin as I tried to calm my breathing. Not

her. Anyone but her. I couldn’t have her back in my life. She was a

manipulative bitch. She was poison, and the sick part was… she

was the one I had… Yeah, I couldn’t even say it or acknowledge it

in my head.

“No.” I repeated again. “And I’m sorry, but why aren’t you

freaking out? Jaymeson has a huge thing for both Nat and Alyssa.”

Alec shrugged. “He’s British.”

“Point taken.” Crap. “Has she been finalized for the show?”

Alec nodded.

“And the show’s been picked up already?”

“Without a pilot.”

“Impossible.”

Alec shrugged. “Apparently, thanks to your great summer

here at Seaside, they have all the pictures they need. People love

you, Demetri. You know that. There’s nothing the press likes more

than the bad boy turning good and then falling for a local girl. And

lucky us, it happened twice.”

“Yeah, lucky,” I said dryly. “When does the show start?”

“Filming starts in August. They’re going to do a few

webisodes for the first two filmings, and then it’s going to air on

cable.”

“Cable’s better than a huge network.”

“Dude, have you been living under a rock?” Alec laughed.

“Cable shows are huge right now. Mad Men? True Blood? White

Collar? Come on.”

He put his arm around me. “We’ve been to hell and back

this last year. It will be cake, and then we can take our women on a

long vacation before we start our tour.”

Alec looked doubtful. It was as if he was still hiding

something from me. I could see the stress etched across his face.

“Fine.”

“Fine.” He released me and grabbed a bottle of water from

the fridge.

“Besides, what’s the worst that can happen, right?” I gave

him a pointed look.

He paused, the water bottle lifted mid air to his lips. His

throat worked as he swallowed a few times and avoided my eyes.

“Right.”

See what happens next in the third installment of the Seaside series!

Shatter: A Seaside Novel

Shatter: A Seaside Novel

Alec

The group was all together. Evan and Alesha, Alyssa and

Demetri, Angelica and Jaymeson, and finally Nat and me. I cringed

for the twentieth time that day.

Seaside was officially the hot spot to be, and we were the

show to watch. Nobody was nervous but me. Why was I the only

one? I was stressed, pissed, angry, worried. Damn, I felt like a

parent. I just wanted to protect everyone, especially Nat. I loved

her so much and now it felt like I was really exposing her to the life

Demetri and I lived on a day to day basis.

Before it wasn’t so bad. I gave Nat a bit of Hollywood in

small doses. After all, AD2 was still technically on hiatus.

Not now. Why did it suddenly feel like I brought the depths

of hell into this sleepy town? Camera crews were everywhere. A

makeup artist touched up Nat’s lipstick for the third time while I

watched. Could they have at least gotten her a female makeup

artist? By the looks of this guy, he wasn’t gay. And if he kept

lingering, my fist was going to end up in his face.

I scowled and looked towards the ocean. It was like I had

just hatched hundreds of baby turtles and was now waiting in

horror for them to be eaten by birds before swimming free in the

ocean.

Note to self: You know your life is going to shit when you

start using reptiles as allegorical examples of how bad things suck.

“Enough!” I finally said as the guy hovered over Nat’s face

adding more powder. He scurried off as I showed him the finger.

Nat glared in my direction. I blew her a kiss and managed a smile.

Six weeks. I could do six weeks of filming, and then I was

going to propose and whisk her away from Seaside, away from

Hollywood, away from everything. I wasn’t sure how much longer

I could balance everything before I broke. All things considered, I

was already on borrowed time. Nat and Demetri had no clue. I

gripped the chair until my knuckles turned white.

I wanted her far away from everything when it hit the fan.

Author Note:

I honestly don’t know where to start with this author note! I

have so many people to thank! First and foremost, I’m so thankful

that God has blessed me with this incredible JOB! I love writing. I

honestly would write all day if I could… oh, wait. Most days I feel

like a complete nerd. I stare at my computer, I sigh loudly, I cry, I

yell at my characters and somehow everything always gets finished

without me killing any of them off… so far. MUAH HA HA! Note

the craziness factor here! Clearly I need to get out more!

Thank you to all the readers out there that gave this genre a

chance. I know I typically write regency romance, so doing a New

Adult series was a bit of a stretch for me. Thank you so much for

sticking with me and for supporting me. Fans on Goodreads that

helped spread the word about this book, I can’t thank you enough!

You know who you are! It would take forever to list you guys, but I

appreciate you more than you will ever know!

Liza Tice, wow, girl. You’ve been there since the beginning

when I said, “Hey, I may write a New Adult book, you think it

would suck?” You are the greatest beta reader. EVER! I really

appreciate all of your comments and notes on this manuscript.

Laura Heritage, aka best editor and cover artist —EVER! Thank

you for all your hard work. You make masterpieces of my jumbled

thoughts. Kristin Vayden, thanks for your continued support and

beta reading. Love you like a sister…oh wait, right you are my

sister.

Astraea Press, quite possibly the best indie publisher around

— thank you for allowing me to do my own side projects and still

supporting me when I decide to do something crazy like self-

publish! And of course I have to say thanks to the hubby who has

to put up with my insane questions and weird habits while writing.

I swear, every time I write a kissing scene I ask him to kiss me so I

can show rather than tell. He thinks I’m just trying to get a kiss.

Well, it’s possible I am. But he’ll never know because he doesn’t

read romance, HA! Sneaky, I know.

Finally, I just need to say thank you again to all the readers.

Your support makes it possible for me to be living my dream. I

truly love you all and am so blessed to have y’all in my life.

As always, if you loved or hated the book, leave a review on

Amazon/Barnes/Goodreads. I love to hear from readers and am

ALWAYS on Facebook. Hit me up on the social media of your

choice and we can hang and talk book boyfriends and Starbucks.

Maybe I’ll bring some Swedish Fish.

You can add me on Twitter @RachVD, follow me on

Facebook: Rachel Van Dyken Author, or check out my website:

www.rachelvandyken.com.

Other books by Rachel Van Dyken:

The Devil Duke Takes A Bride

The Ugly Duckling Debutante

Every Girl Does It

Compromising Kessen

Savage Winter

The Parting Gift

Waltzing With the Wallflower

The Seduction of Sebastian St. James

Beguiling Bridget

The Redemption of Lord Rawlings

Upon A Midnight Dream

Whispered Music

An Unlikely Alliance

Tear: A Seaside Novel

The Wolf’s Pursuit

Coming Soon:

The Bet

Shatter

Taming Wilde

Divine Uprising

Irresistible Terms

Elite

About the Author

Rachel Van Dyken is the New York Times and USA Today

Bestselling author of regency and contemporary romances. When

she's not writing you can find her drinking coffee at Starbucks and

plotting her next book while watching The Bachelor.

She keeps her home in Idaho with her husband and their

snoring boxer, Sir Winston Churchill. She loves to hear from

readers!

You

can

follow

her

writing

journey

at

www.rachelvandyken.com.

Table of Contents

Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty-three
Chapter Twenty-four
Chapter Twenty-five
Chapter Twenty-six
Chapter Twenty-seven
Chapter Twenty-eight
Chapter Twenty-nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-one
Chapter Thirty-two
Chapter Thirty-three
Chapter Thirty-four
Chapter Thirty-five