I Hate You - Bryan's Side

"I hate you," were the last words spit at me as Justin slammed the door
closed on me and our friendship. To say I was stunned would have been an
understatement. I didn't even notice when Tina slipped on her clothes, kissed
me on the cheek and left, saying, "I'd better go." My best friend had just
stormed out of my life, and I didn't know why.

Taking English 201 while the sun was shining, and there was a soft breeze,
and the temperature was 85 degrees, was torture. Don't get me wrong, I
loved language, I spoke three fluently. Of course, being a Theater Major, my
primary interest was the spoken word. That was why I was taking English
201 over the summer; I wanted to clear up my schedule for more
performance credits.

Most everyone else was there because they were retaking the course. I
thought that was pitiful. There were three of us who really cared about the
subject. One was Gloria; she was from Argentina and English was her
second language. The other was Justin; he was a freshman who had CLEPed
his way through his 100 level English courses and came to the University a
semester early. He wanted to be a writer and we hit it off from the
beginning.

Of course, we were an odd pair. I'm "Mr. Social". Nearly everyone in the
theater program knew me or knew of me. Hell, I was recognized all over
campus. If someone had me in their class they remembered it. Justin was a
geek. Saying Justin was a geek was like calling a trout a fish. He was almost
the classic, academic nerd. Justin was a short, wiry guy with unruly brown
hair, glasses that did nothing for his face and clothes that were best
described as "skater geek". His one non-academic pastime was his board. It
was the only part of Justin that broke the geek mold. His board was as much
a fixture for him as his book bag and laptop.

The first time I saw him really skating, not just using the board as a quick
ride from class to class, was about mid-semester. I was heading down to the
fields for a Saturday morning game of Frisbee when I caught sight of a small
group of skaters using one of the twisting sections of the back lot to do
tricks.

I'd been so impressed by one guy catching air off the steps that I didn't
notice I was walking into a "skate zone."

"Look Out!" I spun out of the way and hit the grass. When I looked up,
ready to curse the careless son-of-a-bitch out, I saw Justin looking down at
me. "Hey, Bryan, you ok?"

He looked so different standing there, shirtless without his glasses, that I
almost hadn't recognized him. He was a wiry little fuck. He had laughing
eyes that were all but hidden when he wore his glasses.

"Damn, Justin." I got up and brushed myself off. "I know you like me, but
you don't have to plow me into the dirt to get my attention."

Justin looked down. "Yeah, sorry Bryan." He turned to head back to the start
of the skate run.

Why'd it bother me that he thought I was mad at him? "Hey, how long you
going to skate?"

Shrugging, he looked at his watch. "Another half hour I guess. Asphalt will
be too hot to do anything after that."

"Some guys are getting together for Frisbee down on the field. Why don't
you come down after you're done?" He was a bit short but if he had the
moves that'd make up for it.

He blinked at me. "Really?"

"Yeah, I'll even hang while you finish your freaky shit." The smile he gave
me in response just melted me. It wasn't sexual, I like girls, but he was just
such a cute kid that it was like having a puppy.

He impressed me that morning. Justin was an ace on four wheels. He could
do spins, jumps, twists, ride railings, and there didn't seem to be anything he

couldn't do on a board. That sure blew away my original idea that he was a
simple geek. I think he was showing off, but it worked. I couldn't stop
complimenting his skill as we got down to the games field.

"I just can't believe a bookworm like you can skate like that."

He beamed. "Dad insisted that I had to be outside doing something 'physical'
any day it wasn't raining. I hated team sports so I just rode my board around.
After a while, I just got into it."

I laughed and waved at the guys. "Hey guys, this is Justin."

They all greeted Justin with smiles. I looked at our group and realized we
could play teams of three.

"Want to do teams?" The affirmative nods went all around but Justin looked
a bit unsure. I smiled and put my hand on Justin's shoulder. "Well, since
Just's already shirtless, we'll be skins."

Tony decided he'd go skins since he was shirtless too. Teams were set.
Smiling, I handed my Frisbee to Justin and peeled off my shirt. When I
tossed my shirt beside his board, he just watched with a wide-eyed wonder.
He probably couldn't believe I'd just take him on my team sight-unseen. I
laughed and mussed his hair. "Come on, squirt, let's teach these lard-asses
that brains and beauty always wins over brawn."

Everyone laughed but I think I put Justin on the spot. He blushed. He did
play like a pit bull though. His throwing arm sucked, but he wasn't afraid to
dive and roll so he could catch a hell of a lot of tosses the others would let
go by. We didn't win, but it was not for a lack of effort.

That was when we started hanging together more. We made Saturday
morning board and game a ritual. Justin would skate till the asphalt got
uncomfortably hot and then we'd head for the fields for a Frisbee or V-ball
game. He tried to get me on the board a few times. All I ended up doing was
breaking my ass on the pavement, and trying to look like I meant to do it. Of
course, I got him back. I got to spike him into the sand more than a couple
times in V-ball. It was kind of like sibling rivalry; I loved it. I'd always
wanted a kid brother, and Justin fit the bill perfectly.

It was near the end of the summer session when I got my room assignment
and realized I'd lucked out; I didn't have a roommate. Justin had gotten
placed in one of the older dorms, Brownstone Hall; the place sucked. We
were having lunch just before exams week when I decided I didn't like the
idea of living alone.

"Just," I asked between bites of my hotdog, "would you like to room
together?"

I thought he was going to choke. I should have waited till he'd finished
swallowing his bite of burger. He dropped his burger on his plate and took a
huge swig of Coke. He blinked back the usual tears from just having
something try to dive down the wrong pipes and coughed. "You mean it?"
He looked at me like I'd just offered him a winning lottery ticket.

"Yeah. My freshmen roommate sucked, and since you didn't sign up for
anyone you know you're going to be in a crapshoot for whom you get." I
shrugged. "We get along, and there's a chance they'll stick me with some
jerk at the last minute. At least with you, I know this year I'll like my
roomie."

He smiled; the only thing ruining his puppy-dog look were those fucking
glasses. "You don't mind rooming with a freshman?" For a guy who really
had decent, if odd, taste in clothes, why he wore glasses out of the sixties
was lost on me.

Laughing I punched him in the arm. "Nah, you're a geek but you make me
laugh!"

Stafford Hall was a major step up from Brownstone. In Brownstone, there
were two community bathrooms per floor. The rooms were like sardine cans.
The only saving grace was the ceilings were high enough for people to loft
their beds. Rooms in Stafford were larger and one bathroom was shared
between two dorm rooms. As with every college student with obsessions,
Justin and I had to decorate our halves of the room with examples of our
interests. My half had posters of Shakespeare in the Park, Le Miz, Phantom,
and Rocky Horror. Don't ask me why I love Rocky but I do; something
about the expressive freedom and audience participation was just a natural
high for me. Justin put up a poster of Mark Twain, one that listed the

requirements of creativity, and a couple pro skater posters. Along with the
picture of his parents, he had a picture of a skater catching air. At first I
thought it was a picture of Justin, but the guy had darker, longer hair.

"Hey, Justin, who's the skater?" I nodded to the picture as he stuffed his
socks and underwear into his dresser.

He came over and picked up the picture. His fingers traced it. "That's Matt,
Matt Thompson. He was my best friend." I don't know why, but the
whimsical, almost longing smile that touched his lips when he said it made
me jealous.

I bit back the stupid feeling. "Was?"

He just sighed and set the picture back down. "Yeah. He was a year ahead of
me in school so I haven't seen him in over a year." Shrugging, he grabbed
some shorts and opened a drawer. "We still email, but he went to school up
north. Since I started University in the summer, I haven't seen him since
Christmas Break."

"That's less than a year." I smirked and tried to keep the mood light but it
didn't work.

"Yeah, but he'd met someone and all he could do was think and talk about
'love'." He sounded a little bitter as he stuffed his shorts in the drawer. "I'm
happy for him, but it felt like I wasn't even there."

The way his shoulders seemed to sag with the memory got me down. I liked
his normal, bouncy self. He was a puppy, and when he moped it was just as
bad as having a golden retriever pup that looked lonely. I draped my arm
over his shoulders and mussed his hair. "Well, you've got me now. I won't be
graduating and leaving you behind."

His smile nearly sparkled as he looked up at me. "You're the greatest,
Bryan."

I laughed and went back to my unpacking. "Yeah, it's hard to be perfect, but
someone has to do it." Oh yeah, I'm modest too.

Rooming with Justin was perfect. We had enough common interests to never
have boring conversations but we were individual enough to have lives
outside of the dorm room. Once I got him used to being somewhere other
than the library or the room, Justin made friends easily. There wasn't any of
the glomming that can happen when a new student makes friends with an
older one. We just clicked.

One great thing was neither Justin nor I brought anyone back to the room. It
was a sanctuary of study, relaxation and camaraderie. I'd dated a lot in high
school. Sex was great, but I just couldn't seem to warm up to anyone as more
than friends. Being in theater I'd never thought much about who was gay and
who was straight. It was never an issue for me; I liked girls. If a guy liked
me, I didn't freak and usually I'd be flattered, but I was sincere in my
disinterest.

Of course, just because I liked girls didn't mean I had time for one. I was as
fanatical about my theater studies as Justin was about his writing. Neither of
us dated, though we both had a handful of girl friends that might have
wanted us to ask. I wasn't alone; I had Justin. I didn't feel sexually frustrated
because my hand was one damn good lover. Life was good. Girls could wait.

We were kicking back, looking at the autumn leaves after a game of Frisbee,
when Justin turned to me. "You don't date."

I laughed. "No time."

Justin looked at me curiously. Something about the way he'd do that, his
head cocked to one side and his lips set in a thoughtful pout, just made me
want to hug him. He was just that damn cute; especially after games without
those fucking glasses.

I grabbed him around the neck and nuggied him as he laughed and half-
heartedly tried to get away. "How can I have time for dating with you
around? You're such an attention hound!"

He pulled out of my hold and stuck his tongue out at me. His face was flush
and he studied his toes for a second before smiling. "Ok."

We were best friends. That was enough.

I don't think I could remember when I was happier than I was with Justin as
my roommate. We were buds. Nothing was ever an issue. We could just be
honest and talk about anything. The other great thing was that we were just
like brothers; personal space was a non-issue.

Justin really was a brain. He studied, he researched, he wrote constantly and
he skated. The only breaks to his routine were my performances. He didn't
miss any. It was like having my own cheering section. His only area of
academic weakness was exams. The boy totally freaked over tests. Away
from a test he could tell you everything about the subject in complete detail,
but in the test he was lucky to put four sentences together that made sense.
He never felt he'd done them right, though he never received a grade below a
B. The week of Finals had him in a total panic.

I tried to ignore Justin's frantic search for some obscure note he was certain
would be the focus of his Philosophy exam. After his third attempt to
destroy his notebook I finally couldn't take it. "Justin, chill out!" I tossed my
textbook down and got up. "You're driving me nuts."

Watery eyes looked back at me and his chin was shaking. "I'm sorry, Brian.
I'm so fucked up."

How do you stay mad at someone like Justin? I certainly can't. I went over
and massaged his neck. He was as tense as a board. "All you need is a good
night's rest, bud. You've been drinking Coke like water and falling asleep at
the desk for days. You're going to be fried by finals."

He bowed his head and nodded. "Yeah. I've always been like this. I used to
drive my parents nuts."

"So, how'd they deal with it?"

I was digging into one of the knots in his shoulder and he moaned. "It was
really stupid."

"What?"

"How Mom dealt with me." He shrugged off my hands and stood up.
"Thanks, Bryan." He looked embarrassed.

"You didn't tell me what they did." I smirked. "How can I help my bro out if
I don't know what to do?"

"Drop it; it doesn't matter." He was looking more uncomfortable by the
moment.

I reached out and mussed his hair. It was always fun to do. Justin's hair was
soft and felt almost like silk. "Come on, Just. What?"

He couldn't meet my eyes. "Mom used to hold me and sing me to sleep
when it got bad."

Normally I would have laughed if someone told me that. Instead, I thought it
was just too adorable. I'd long lost my image of Justin being a geek. He was
just Justin, the guy who wore his heart on his sleeve and could still be cool
about it. "Oh."

He blinked at me. "Oh? I'm a fucking wimp and all you can say is 'oh'?" His
voice was trembling.

"It's weird, but I accepted you're weird when we became friends." My first
impulse was to hug him but that seemed a bit presumptuous. "I'm just trying
to figure out how to get your Mom up here to help."

Justin blew. "Oh, fuck you! I don't need my Mommy to kiss my booboos!"
He grabbed for his stuff and made like he was heading for the door.

"Hey!" I grabbed his arm. "I didn't mean it that way."

He tried to pull away but I'm a hell of a lot bigger and stronger. I had a
wildcat on my hands as he tried to get loose. His books went everywhere as
the struggle overturned his unzipped book bag. Landing on his bed, I held
him to me and didn't let go till he stopped fighting.

He started to cry into my shirt. "I'm sorry, Bryan." By the way he was
shaking; I knew he was scared. I think he was scared I'd laugh at him or
reject him.

I looked at the clock. It was nearly ten, early by our standards, but not too
early to catch up on some well needed rest. "Let's get some rest, Just. I don't
think either of us could study any more tonight."

I let him go and stood up. He nodded absently and got off the bed. We
stripped down to our boxers and took turns brushing and using the toilet. I
waited till he was back before I pulled back the sheets and climbed into his
bed.

He just blinked at me. "Bryan, what are you doing?"

"You're Mom's not here; I thought I'd help my little bro' out." I don't know
why I was worried he'd say no. It wasn't like I wanted to have sex with him.
I just wanted my best friend to keep from losing it completely by
Wednesday.

"You don't have to..."

"Oh shut up and get in." I snapped at him but kept a grin on my face. "I'm
not going to threaten your virtue!"

That, at least, made him laugh. "Not that I could stop you if you tried."

"Yeah, I could have had you any time I wanted; I'm such a stud. Now get in
here before I change my mind."

Justin got in, and I reached across him to turn off the desk lamp. It was a
little weird at first. I wasn't sure what would be comfortable. Finally I just
wrapped my arm about him and pulled him up to me. Spooning felt too
intimate but in single beds you don't have much space. Justin seemed to be
holding his breath.

I couldn't think of any lullabies. Finally I just started humming a love song
from one of the plays I'd been in. It was a soft, relaxing tune so I hoped it
would work. After a couple minutes, Justin relaxed and just sank against me.
He murmured something I couldn't make out and his body trembled for a
moment before he fell asleep. It took me a lot longer to get there myself. I
really liked how it felt to hold someone. I fell asleep wondering if it was
time to start dating again.

I woke to the horrible feeling that something was missing. I felt around the
bed while my brain booted up. Justin wasn't there. I actually had a moment
of panic before I heard the toilet flush. Chastising myself, I stretched and
tried to get the rest of my brain engaged.

Justin came in. He looked a lot more rested but he avoided looking at me.
"Morning."

I got out of bed, reached out and mussed his hair. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks." He rummaged around, picking up his books while I got rid
of my morning woody and had a piss. His eyes followed me as I went back
to my bed and flopped down. "Are you ok with me?"

I blinked. "Sure, we're cool." I smiled at the ceiling. "It was kind of nice. I've
never sung someone to sleep before."

He was giving me that puppy-dog smile again. That was the Justin I'd
become friends with. He didn't say anything but I think he was a lot happier.

Finals came and went without a hitch. Justin and I were having our breakfast
ritual; Starbucks coffees, muffins and fruit out in the park. It was cold but
we didn't care. We'd started it last summer and had no intention of stopping.
I realized this would be our last meal together till the next semester. We
were both packed for the holidays and would be heading home to our
families for Christmas.

I raised my coffee to him with a smile. "To a semester survived!"

He laughed and raised his cup. "To not freaking out in exams."

That made my smile broader. I hadn't thought about it all week. I picked up
my muffin and brought up my idea between bites. "I think we should start
dating next semester."

Coffee spewed everywhere as Justin tried not to choke. He gasped a few
times and stared at me. "What?"

I shrugged. "You know, girls, dating? I think we're becoming hermits.
Maybe we need some more social outlets, you know?"

When I looked back at him, he looked like someone had killed his dog. He
just stared at me for a few moments and then looked back at his coffee.
"Yeah, sure."

I draped my arm across his shoulders and gave him a quick hug. "It'll be
great, Just. You'll see." Or at least, that's what I thought.

Things started getting tense when we came back from Winter Break. I
couldn't put my finger on it. Justin's normal "easy going" smile seemed more
strained. We never did get around to dating. Justin added another course to
his load at the beginning of the semester, taking him to twenty-one credits,
which was insane. I had been accepted into the "University Players," the
campus performance troupe, so I was too busy to think about it. We didn't
talk as much and we'd spend more time in the room in silence or with
background music as the only sound.

I noticed Justin's smile was gone again when I was trying to pick out
something to wear for an audition for Romeo & Juliet. His eyes seemed to
almost push at me. "Why do you do that?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. "Do what?"

He grunted. "Wander around nude all the time." He rolled over and went
back to reading his textbook.

I suddenly felt self-conscious. I mean, I didn't care if he wanted to look at
me or not but I didn't think I was exactly unpleasant to look at. Hell, I liked
what I looked like when I looked in the mirror. Tall, black hair, strong jaw,
lean body, wide shoulders, I was put together pretty well. I didn't exactly
spend time ogling myself, but an actor should know what his physical
appearance lends to for parts.

I looked down. Yeah, I was naked. I'm a thespian; we have to change in all
conditions back stage; at a certain point you just stop worrying about it. "I
didn't know it bothered you."

He made a dismissive sound. "Did I say it bothered me? I was just curious."

"Never thought about it, really, you rather I keep the towel on?"

Justin shut his book and jerked off the bed in a huff. "Why the fuck should I
care what you wear, Bryan?" He grabbed his textbook and board. "I'm gonna
hit the library."

He brushed past me and left before I could get a word out. Something was
wrong. I just wish I knew what it was. I didn't have time to run it down. I
had auditions to get to.

I was so stoked. I'd been cast as Romeo for the Shakespeare performance
during "theater week". What was even better was that Tina was cast as
Juliet. We were perfectly matched for the parts. Tina was one of the best
actresses in Campus Theater. I couldn't think of someone else I'd rather be
working with on the performances. We had a month to get our parts perfect,
and like the consummate professionals we were, we dove in feet first.

I had to tell Justin. We got back to the room after we received the rehearsal
schedule and I couldn't contain myself. Justin looked up, his face a mixture
of bewilderment and annoyance as I dragged Tina in with me. "Justin, I got
the part!"

For a brief moment, that puppy dog smile curled his lips. "Which one, you
only rehearsed a half dozen?"

"Romeo!" I stepped back and gestured to Tina. "This is Tina; she's Juliet."

His smile tightened and he looked her over, assessing. "You'll make a great
pair."

"We're going to have to rehearse a lot; we've only got a month." I couldn't
wait to get going.

Apparently, neither could Justin. He just nodded and tucked his laptop into
his backpack. "I've got some research. You guys can use the room."

I hadn't wanted to banish him from the room. I'd wanted to share my
happiness with my best friend. That kind of killed the fun. "Ok." He was
almost out the door before I asked, "See you at dinner?"

He paused. "Yeah, sure, I've got to eat anyway. Thanks."

I just didn't get it, so I cornered him at dinner. "Ok, Justin, what gives? Last
semester you didn't mind when I rehearsed in the room."

He frowned at me. "Well, last semester I wasn't taking twenty one credits."

I shrugged. "Granted, but that hurt when you just walked out like that. I
thought you'd be happy for me."

Stabbing at his mashies he sighed. "I am. But look at it from my point of
view; Romeo & Juliet is a romance."

"So?" I couldn't see how that would affect anything.

His eyes were sad when he looked back up at me. "It'd feel like I'm the third
guy on a date, Bryan. I know it's just a play but you guys are going to be
declaring your love and kissing and stuff." He shrugged and looked at his
plate again. "It'd be too distracting."

"It's not like I'm dating Tina or anything, Just. It's just acting."

He shrugged. "I know. Let's drop it, ok?"

I sighed. "Ok."

Either I was over at Tina's room or she was over in ours every day. I should
have seen something was really wrong. Last semester Justin had enjoyed
when I rehearsed with others in the room, but from the first day he kept
ducking out when we used the dorm room. I honestly thought it was that he
needed to study for finals and didn't need the distractions. Exams were only
a couple weeks after "theater week" and he was taking the course load from
hell. I thought that was all it was.

Justin had ducked out to hit the library, as usual, just after Tina arrived. We
went over the scenes again, fine tuning our tone and inflection and trying to
be two people in love. Maybe we did that too well. I don't actually remember
which one of us didn't stop the kiss, but it had kept going and going. It didn't
stop for longer than a few moments when we were stripping out of our
clothes. Sure, our lips were a lot of places other than our mouths, but I think
it was just one long, ecstatic kiss from the point we stopped talking to the
point Tina was under me, crying out from her second orgasm, as Justin
walked in.

The look on his face was indescribable; if you mixed horror, heartbreak and
betrayal together you might get close. I was scrambling off the bed,
stammering, while Tina was trying to cover herself. Justin just glared at me
with that look and finally blew. He didn't actually say anything in English; it

was more like some primal sound of pain. It made me feel like I'd betrayed
him.

"Justin, wait!" I grabbed his arm as he tried to get out the door. The look of
raw pain in his eyes caused me to flinch back.

That's when he said it and left. It felt like my life was over.

I was still sitting on the bed, staring at the floor and trying to understand
why I hurt so much when Justin came back in. It was after 1am. He looked
like he'd been sick, or crying, or both.

He didn't say anything. He just pulled out a bag from under his bed and
started putting some clothes in it. I stared at him in stricken disbelief. "What
are you doing?"

He shrugged. "Jeff said I could room with him till the end of the semester."

That hurt worse than when he walked out five hours before. The first time
had a good dose of shock in it to numb the pain. The idea that he would just
walk away from our friendship was like a slow, burning acid that seemed to
eat its way from my heart to my gut. "Why?" I think it was the fact I had to
choke it out that made him look at me. "I thought we were friends."

He was crying again. "I guess that's all we were, Brian. It's not your fault I
thought it was more."

I blinked at him. All the times he'd looked at me and smiled at me came
flashing back. The puppy-dog smiles, the private jokes, the times we'd just
sit and talk till all hours, they all looked different when viewed at from that
point of view. The first time he saw me shirtless over the summer, the times
I came out of the shower without worrying about a towel, all those shy,
flustered looks suddenly had new meaning. The most surprising thing was
I'd been playing along. Me, Mr. "thanks but I'm not interested", had been
flirting right along with him. God, I was such a fucking dick.

He had turned back to his bed during my revelations and had finished
stuffing what he'd need into his bag. I looked at his back and had to ask, "Do
you really hate me?"

Justin looked at me again; it was as if I'd slapped him. He didn't say
anything, but I could see his answer in his eyes. His eyes didn't leave mine
as I stood up and crossed the gap between our beds. He was trembling as I
bracketed his face with my hands. Fuck Romeo and Juliet, the volumes
being spoken by the way he trembled said more than a thousand flowery
diatribes about love. I bent down and kissed him.

He whimpered as I pulled back, and looked at me like I'd just punched him.
"Bryan..." I put my finger to his lips. I didn't want any words. I didn't want
to talk myself into or out of this. I'd spent so much time focusing on words
and speeches and dialogue that I'd missed all the rest of what was being said.
I wanted to listen to the rest of the conversation; I wanted to feel what we
were saying with our bodies all the way to my soul.

I kissed him again and he responded. His hands, gripping my hair, were
gasping I've wanted this for so long. My hands, sliding down to find the hem
of his shirt, moaned Let's not wait any more.

The shirt, however, said You're such a fucking klutz. It nearly strangled him
and caught on his glasses before I got it over his head.

His cheeks were flushed with excitement and more than a little
embarrassment as he settled those ugly-shit frames back on his nose. Slowly
pulling the specs off, I set them on the desk and studied his face. My fingers
traced under his eyes, brushing away the tears and whispered though their
awe filled touch, You have such beautiful eyes.

His lips sought mine out, begging Please, tell me you meant it. I think the
chill that ran down my spine and the moan that escaped my lips said enough.

He didn't say anything; Justin was as hooked as I was. To anyone listening
you'd have thought we were "trying to stay quiet," but we weren't, we were
communicating on so many levels that words would have ruined it.

Can I? His eyes were searching mine as he brought his hands to my chest. I
nodded and closed my eyes as Justin's lips began searing my skin with
tentative but hopeful kisses. It was all I could do to keep standing as he got
to my abs. I was achingly rigid and his tongue kept brushing my tip as he
tasted my navel.

Then he licked me. The only part of me that didn't scream was my voice. My
fingers were digging into his shoulders as he lathed around my head like it
was an ice cream cone in danger of melting. He was killing me. After only a
minute I had to drag him back up. He looked disappointed, but when he saw
the sweat and tremors his lips curled into a smile that said Oh, you liked it.

I pressed the smartass little bastard back on the bed and fought with his
jeans. The desperation in my fingers snarled Just wait till I get you back! I
yanked off his jeans and briefs in one motion and stopped. He was so pretty;
ok, pretty wasn't the right word because there really wasn't anything
effeminate about his features. That's the problem with trying to find words,
sometimes there simply aren't ones that work.

My body stretched out over his and I just lay there, trembling, as every place
we were connected sighed, Yes.

He began kissing my neck again; his hands wandering as his lips asked, Is
this ok? My fingers smoothed away his concerns as I marveled in the
silkiness of his hair. His hands made it to my ass and elicited a moan as they
squeezed. My hips were panting, God, yeah, as we ground against each
other. I shuddered as his fingers brushed between my cheeks and touched
me. It wasn't unwelcome but I wasn't ready.

Sorry, was what his hands whispered as he started pulling back.

I clenched my cheeks and held his fingers there. The reassuring pressure
promised, Next time.

That had him looking at me. His eyes were so full of emotion that I couldn't
understand it all. I just nodded and let my lips pressing against his say the
rest. Yeah, there will be a next time.

He suddenly gripped me and he couldn't hold back the startled cry as he
flooded our bellies with his release. Biting my shoulder he rode through the
shock of it. His teeth hissed, Oh fuck, oh god, oh...

That did me in. Just the idea that I could do that to someone without saying a
word threw me over the edge. I clenched my eyes shut and exhaled my own
strangled surprise as I joined him. When we both stopped shaking, I sank
down against him and nuzzled his neck. Justin's fingers played sleepily in
my hair, saying, I don't want this to end.

Rolling over on my side I pulled Justin to me and spooned against his back.
As my arms held Just, the soft tremble that passed through him sank into my
heart. With my cheek resting against his hair, I looked at the wrecked sheets
of my empty bed. I had no intention of going back to it. My nose brushed his
ear, asking, Forgiven?

His contented sigh and rapid descent into sleep was all the answer I needed.
Body language, who knew?

The applause was deafening as Tina and I took our second bows. As the
curtain fell for the last time, Tina hugged me and kissed my cheek before
practically dancing toward the dressing rooms. We had a new understanding
after that night of release. It was more honest, more real, and I was sure it
would be a friendship to last a lifetime.

Justin smiled at me, his eyes moist, as I came off stage. The curl of his lips
and the tense excitement in the way he stood said, That was awesome. I
didn't need to ask. Everything he did spoke volumes on how he felt about the
performance; but we had our game, and I enjoyed it. "What'd you think?"

I looked into his eyes and couldn't help catching my breath. Without his
glasses, he really did have the most beautiful eyes. His lips curled into the
most mischievous smirk I'd ever seen. "I hated you in that scene."

I snaked my arm around him and his body did that tremble that will always
make my stomach do flip-flops. I nuzzled his neck and hoped everyone was
watching. They knew me as Mr. "thanks, not interested", but the way our
bodies fit so effortlessly together affirmed, Thanks, I'm taken. I kissed my
way back up to his lips before smiling into Justin's misty eyes. "Yeah, I
know; I hate you too."

I Hate You - Justin's Side

The good things about going to college during the summer semester were
smaller classes, sunny days and weekends skating. It also gave me time to
write and prepare for the adjustment from living at home to being a college
student without the intensity of the Fall Semester. I'd always been a
bookworm; my father had to practically kick me out of the house to get me
to do anything other than read, write and study. Dad had been a jock; I
wasn't what he'd wanted out of a son. My sister was a better son to him than
I was; of course, as far as Dad was concerned, he had two daughters. Yeah,
my parents knew I was gay. They'd been cool with it, and supported me
through my coming out, but I know it was just one more disappointment for
my father. When I had a chance to go to college early, I jumped at it.

The only problem with summer semester was the heat. Why I chose a
southern college was beyond me. I suppose I was planning on having
warmer winters and didn't think about the fact that summers would broil
your skin off by noon. Of course, that also meant there were a lot of great
looking guys wandering about with their shirts off. I think that's how I fell
for Bryan; it wasn't quite love at first sight, we had English class together so
we'd already seen each other a lot, but it was definitely infatuation at first
stumble.

"Look Out!" It was all I could think to call out as some idiot walked right
into the skate-zone while I was taking my turn. He ruined a really good shot
at some air. I didn't plow right into him by a combination of his quick
reflexes and my nearly throwing myself off the board to keep from hitting
him.

He was muttering to himself as I got back to him, shaking his head and
brushing himself off. I realized who it was before he looked up. "Hey,
Bryan, you ok?"

He looked stunned, and for a moment I was worried. Then he had to hit me
with that ironic sense of humor of his. "Damn, Justin." Standing up, he

finished brushing off. "I know you like me, but you don't have to plow me
into the dirt to get my attention."

I choked. I hadn't planned on being in the closet, but I also hadn't told
anyone I was gay. I didn't realize it was that obvious. The worst part was
that I did like Bryan. He was tall, handsome, intelligent and really nice. I
looked at the ground and turned to go back up to the start of the run. "Yeah,
sorry Bryan."

"Hey, how long you going to skate?"

I stopped and checked my watch before shrugging. I really hadn't made any
friends yet at school, and I was feeling a little lonely. Being a freshman
sucked. "Another half hour I guess. Asphalt will be too hot to do anything
after that."

"Some guys are getting together for Frisbee down on the field. Why don't
you come down after you're done?" He looked me over like trying to assess
if I was up to it.

I blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah, I'll even hang while you finish your freaky shit." He winked.

I don't think I'd ever had a good looking guy wink at me before. It was only
friendly, but damn if it didn't curl my toes. I nodded and jogged back up for
my next turn. I did better that half hour than I'd done the last two weeks; I
think having an audience helped. One thing was for sure; I'd impressed
Bryan.

"I just can't believe a bookworm like you can skate like that."

I beamed. I couldn't believe how good it felt to have someone notice. "Dad
insisted that I had to be outside doing something 'physical' any day it wasn't
raining. I hated team sports so I just rode my board around. After a while, I
just got into it."

He laughed and then waved at some guys tossing about a Frisbee absently.
"Hey guys, this is Justin."

They all greeted me with smiles. Bryan was apparently quite popular with a
diverse set of people, and the addition of a geeky freshman didn't seem to
faze them. I thought that was so cool.

Bryan looked at our group for a moment. "Want to do teams?" The
affirmative nods went all around, but I was feeling more than a little
outclassed. Bryan just smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. "Well, since
Just's already shirtless, we'll be skins."

Tony, a dark guy with shoulders about two miles wide, decided he'd go skins
since he was shirtless too. Teams were set; I was doomed. Smiling, Bryan
handed me the Frisbee and peeled off his shirt. I just stood there, awestruck.
Bryan was perfect; tall, dark hair, hazel eyes, wide shoulders and just
enough hair on his chest and abs to say "I'm all man". I felt like such a loser;
I also had to fight the urge to throw a bone. That would have gone over like
a lead balloon.

He laughed and mussed my hair. "Come on, squirt, let's teach these lard-
asses that brains and beauty always win over brawn."

I blushed. I couldn't tell if he was teasing me because he knew what I was
thinking, or if he was just having a good time. We didn't win; honestly, I
suck at team sports. I'm not scared of the ground, getting hurt or looking like
an idiot. I just don't seem to coordinate well with others. Bryan didn't seem
to care.

In fact, that was when we started hanging together more. We made Saturday
morning board and game a ritual. I would skate till the asphalt got
unbearable and then we'd head for the fields for a Frisbee or V-ball game. I
tried to get him on the board a few times. He sucked at it almost as bad as I
did at team sports, but tried to look cool doing it. I suppose it was just as
well; he got to spike me into the sand more than a couple times in V-ball. It
was kind of like sibling rivalry; to me it felt almost like foreplay. Being with
Bryan made me feel special; not the "in the glow of a popular guy" special,
but he simply seemed to genuinely like me and went out of his way to make
me feel welcome.

Ok, I had a crush on him by the end of the summer. What gay guy wouldn't?
It was near the end of the summer session when we got our room
assignments I'd gotten placed in one of the older dorms, Brownstone Hall;

Bryan said the place sucked. We were having lunch just before exams week
when Bryan threw me for a loop.

"Just," he asked between bites of his hotdog, "would you like to room
together?"

I thought I was going to choke. I dropped my burger on the plate and took a
huge swig of Coke. Blinking back the tears, I coughed. "You mean it?" I
couldn't believe a sophomore as popular as Bryan would want a freshman
roommate. Not to mention, Stafford Hall was a great place.

"Yeah. My freshmen roommate sucked, and since you didn't sign up for
anyone you know you're going to be in a crapshoot for whom you get." He
shrugged. "We get along, and there's a chance they'll stick me with some
jerk at the last minute. At least with you, I know this year I'll like my
roomie."

I smiled; if only he knew how incredible he made me feel. I still couldn't
figure out why Bryan liked hanging out with me. He'd never shown any
indication that he was gay; if anything, he seemed indifferent to the whole
idea of dating and sex. "You don't mind rooming with a freshman?"

Laughing he punched me in the arm. "Nah, you're a geek but you make me
laugh!"

Bryan really didn't push me about explaining my family life or anything. He
just took me as I was. I don't think I ever told him how important that was to
me. I was so overwhelmed with being a freshman, and away from home, that
it was great just to have someone who was there for me. It only got better
when we moved in. The first really personal question he asked was over a
picture. I don't think I was ready to discuss it, but I wasn't going to hide
either. Along with the pictures of my parents and sister, I had a picture of my
best friend and first love. God I missed him

"Hey, Justin, who's the skater?" He nodded to the picture as I stuffed my
socks and underwear into my dresser.

I went over and picked up the picture. My fingers traced it. "That's Matt,
Matt Thompson. He was my best friend." Matt had been the guy I'd come

out for. It wasn't so much a full blown love affair as it was "friends with
benefits." It didn't mean I wasn't missing him.

Bryan cocked his head. "Was?"

I sighed and set the picture down. "Yeah. He was a year ahead of me in
school so I haven't seen him in over a year." Shrugging, I grabbed some
shorts and opened a drawer. "We still email, but he went to school up north.
Since I started University in the summer, I haven't seen him since Christmas
Break."

"That's less than a year." He smirked and tried to keep the mood light, but it
didn't work.

"Yeah, but he'd met someone and all he could do was think and talk about
'love'." I know I sounded bitter as I stuffed my shorts in the drawer. "I'm
happy for him, but it felt like I wasn't even there."

I was just standing there, feeling sorry for myself, when he draped his arm
over my shoulders and mussed my hair. "Well, you've got me now. I won't
be graduating and leaving you behind."

I don't think he had any idea what that meant to me. Bryan always seemed to
know what to do to make me feel great. "You're the greatest, Bryan."

He laughed and went back to his unpacking. "Yeah, it's hard to be perfect,
but someone has to do it."

Bryan really helped me come out of my shell during the semester. I would
normally just eat, do classes, go to the library, and return to the dorm room.
Bryan would have nothing of it. If I didn't do something social at least three
or four times a week, he was on my case. It was like having my own social
director.

Don't get the wrong impression of Bryan. He was even more dedicated to his
studies than I was. His studies, however, involved relating with people; he
was a thespian, and that meant being able to shine in a crowd. Oh boy did he
ever. To keep him from driving me nuts about being someplace other than
the room or the library, I started doing some of my studies during his

rehearsals. It was cool, actually, and a hell of a lot of fun. It was like having
TV playing in the background, but the TV had no commercials.

One thing I did notice was that nearly everyone flirted with Bryan. I do
mean everyone. The guys, the girls, the teachers; they all found him
irresistible. The weird thing was, Bryan noticed and played back a little, but
he simply wasn't interested. How a guy who was a walking wet dream could
avoid all the opportunities being thrown at him was mind boggling. I knew if
I'd had people hot after me like that, I'd have been set. Sometimes, when
someone would make a pass at him, he'd look at me with a "can you believe
this shit" roll of his eyes and a whimsical smile.

Bryan knew he was good looking; he just didn't seem to care. He treated his
looks like a set of clothes or the size of his shoes; they were what they were,
and he would use them if needed and keep them in good condition when he
wasn't using them. At the moment, he wasn't using them. That made him all
the sexier, because good looking guys who don't flaunt it are really hot. I
wasn't the only one who thought that way.

We were kicking back, looking at the autumn leaves after a game of Frisbee,
when I just had to know. "You don't date."

He laughed. "No time."

Was that an evasion, or was it that he really just didn't care? I was trying to
figure him out when he grabbed me around the neck and made me laugh by
nuggying me. I made half-hearted attempts to get away, but I really did like
having him rough house with me. "How can I have time for dating with you
around? You're such an attention hound!"

I pulled out of his hold and stuck my tongue out at him. Yeah I know; really
mature. I was blushing, and studied my toes for a second before smiling.
"Ok."

We were best friends, but everything Bryan did had me believing that maybe
we were something more

I really enjoyed school. I love study and research. I also had an easy time
explaining things in ways others understood. I planned to go for my Masters

and possibly a Doctorate, and then try my hand at teaching writing. I had
only one problem; exams. I always froze during exams. Maybe it was a
phobia, or a neurotic fear of failure, but the moment a test was under my
nose I would forget everything. I'd survived mid-terms with only a minor
panic attack; finals were an entirely different thing. If it hadn't been for
Bryan, I wouldn't have survived it.

I'd been frantically searching my notes for my Philosophy exam forever.
After another complete disassembly of my notebook, Bryan finally tossed
down his text and snapped at me. "Justin, chill out! You're driving me nuts."

I knew I was losing it, but like a lemming running for the cliff I couldn't
seem to stop. "I'm sorry, Bryan. I'm so fucked up."

He came over and massaged my neck. God his fingers felt good. All I
wanted to do was lean into him and have him take me away from it all for a
while. "All you need is a good night's rest, bud. You've been drinking Coke
like water and falling asleep at the desk for days. You're going to be fried by
finals."

I bowed my head and nodded. "Yeah. I've always been like this. I used to
drive my parents nuts."

"So, how'd they deal with it?"

He dug into one of the knots in my shoulder and I moaned. I hadn't wanted
to tell him, but it just slipped out. "It was really stupid."

"What?"

I swallowed. "How Mom dealt with me." I shrugged off his hands and stood
up. "Thanks, Bryan." I was so embarrassed.

"You didn't tell me what she did." He smirked. "How can I help my bro out
if I don't know what to do?"

"Drop it; it doesn't matter." He already knew I was gay. I didn't need to let
him know I was a wimpy little mama's boy too.

He reached out and mussed my hair. "Come on, Just. What?"

I couldn't meet his eyes. "Mom used to hold me and sing me to sleep when it
got bad."

I waited for him to laugh at me; I know I'd have laughed at me. What college
aged guy needs to be sung to sleep when he's stressed? Instead, his reaction
was anticlimactic. "Oh."

I blinked at him. "Oh? I'm a fucking wimp and all you can say is 'oh'?" I was
trembling.

"It's weird, but I accepted you're weird when we became friends." I wanted
him to hold me. I wanted him to tell me I wasn't a loser. He didn't do either.
"I'm just trying to figure out how to get your Mom up here to help."

Oops, he hit the shiny red button; I blew. "Oh, fuck you! I don't need my
Mommy to kiss away my booboos!" I grabbed for my stuff and tried to get
to the door.

"Hey!" He grabbed my arm. "I didn't mean it that way."

I panicked. It was irrational and completely nuts, but I fought him. Of all the
people I didn't want to freak out on, Bryan was the one I never wanted to do
it with; so much for what I wanted. My books went everywhere as the
struggle overturned my book bag. Landing on my bed, he held me to him
and didn't let go till I stopped fighting.

I started crying into his shirt. I was so ashamed. "I'm sorry, Bryan." I
couldn't stop shaking. I'd never let anyone know what I'd just told Bryan;
even my Dad didn't know. It was my secret, my shame, and now it was out. I
couldn't look at him; I knew he must have thought I was such a loser.

He didn't say anything about it. He just looked at the clock and was so kind
and patient. "Let's get some rest, Just. I don't think either of us could study
any more tonight."

He let me go and stood up. I nodded absently and got off the bed. We
stripped down to our boxers and took turns brushing and using the toilet.
When I got back into the room, Bryan pulled back the sheets and climbed
into my bed.

I just blinked at him; my brain was burned out. "Bryan, what are you
doing?"

"You're Mom's not here; I thought I'd help my little bro' out."

I looked down at my feet. For a moment his eyes seemed to beg me not to
argue. I just couldn't understand why he'd go to all the trouble. "You don't
have to..."

"Oh shut up and get in." He snapped at me, but when I looked up he had a
grin on his face. "I'm not going to threaten your virtue!"

I laughed. "Not that I could stop you if you tried."

"Yeah, I could have had you any time I wanted; I'm such a stud. Now get in
here before I change my mind." He didn't know how true that was. All he'd
have to do was ask; I'd have done anything he wanted.

I got in, and he reached across me to turn off the desk lamp. I waited,
holding my breath, and tried not to get excited. I had one of the hottest guys
in the theater program, nearly naked, in my bed. Finally he just wrapped his
arm around me and pulled me to him. We were spooning. Matt and I had
done that a few times, and it was my favorite position. I couldn't ignore the
bulge pressed against my ass; he wasn't hard, but he wasn't completely
flaccid either. I started to wonder if he wanted me to do anything.

Before I could decide, he started to hum. It was a soft, relaxing tune, and I
realized in addition to everything else, Bryan had a great singing voice. I
melted, and just sank against him. He had me; we both knew it. I murmured,
"I love you," under my breath, and my body trembled for a moment before I
fell asleep. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up. I'd told him
the truth, but I hadn't been awake to know how he'd reacted to it.

The long, hard part of him that was pressing against my butt led me to
believe he didn't object to being there. I certainly wasn't objecting. I'd had
enough toss-off fantasies of Bryan while I was in the shower that I knew
exactly what I wanted to do. The problem was that his hold was a bit too
secure for me to move much. I had to content myself with rubbing my ass
against his shaft. I moaned a little when he pulled me in a bit tighter and
started to nuzzle my neck. He wasn't awake, but I didn't care. One of his
hands was petting me as I ground against him. It wasn't long before he was

wedged completely between my cheeks while rubbing his chin along my jaw
and ear. I wished he was awake; I wanted Bryan to push me down on the bed
and fuck me. I didn't last long enough; just the feel of him against me, with
his morning stubble rubbing against my ear, had me trembling as I bit my
lower lip to keep from crying out. My boxers were soaked.

Bryan continued to caress me for a little bit, but then he just stilled and held
me to him. He hadn't woken up, and I was beginning to feel guilty. I had no
real idea if he was interested, and I'd just used him as a sex toy. It took a
little doing, but I got out of bed and into the bathroom without waking him. I
felt so dirty. I couldn't look at him when I got back in; he'd woken up while I
was in the bathroom changing my soiled pants. "Morning."

He got out of bed, reached out and mussed my hair like nothing had
happened. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks." I rummaged around, picking up my books while Bryan went
to the bathroom. He came out wearing nothing. That wasn't unusual, but this
time it meant something more to me. I'd had that body against me all night;
I'd shot my wad with him caressing me in his sleep. My eyes followed him
as he went back to his bed and flopped down. Suddenly, I was scared. "Are
you ok with me?"

He blinked. "Sure, we're cool." After a moment, Bryan smiled at the ceiling.
"It was kind of nice. I've never sung someone to sleep before."

I felt like jumping for joy; I was so happy. We were ok; no, we were more
than ok. The way he smiled and the undertone in his voice were so warm. I
just knew he must have felt something.

Finals came and went without a hitch. Thanks to my god of a roommate, I
was able to handle it without a nervous breakdown. I was in love, and I
knew it. Bryan and I were having our breakfast ritual; Starbucks coffees,
muffins and fruit out in the park. It was cold but we didn't care. We'd started
it last summer and had no intention of stopping. We were both packed for
the holidays and would be heading home to our families for Christmas.

He raised his coffee to me with a smile. "To a semester survived!"

I laughed and raised my cup. "To not freaking out during exams."

His smile broadened. God I was so gone on him. That still didn't prepare me
for what he said next. "I think we should start dating next semester."

Coffee spewed everywhere as I tried not to choke. I gasped a few times and
stared at him. "What?"

He shrugged. "You know, girls, dating? I think we're becoming hermits.
Maybe we need some more social outlets, you know?"

My world went from Technicolor to muted greys in the span of a few short
words. It took everything I had not to cry; I'd been wrong, and it hurt like
hell. I looked at my cup and shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

He draped his arm across my shoulders and gave me a quick hug. "It'll be
great, Just. You'll see." Maybe for him; I was determined not to bother.

I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to move out, but I also knew I'd fuck
up if I had to spend too much time around Bryan. I added another course
when I got back; it put me in academic overload, but it also kept me too busy
to think about Bryan. Ok, that wasn't true. I thought about Bryan constantly.
One night in his arms; a basically platonic experience, at least on his part,
and I just couldn't get it out of my head.

It didn't help that he just kept getting better looking. At times I almost hated
him. He seemed to unconsciously do everything short of rubbing himself
against me to keep me in a perpetual state of frustration. He was standing in
front of his dresser, naked as usual, when I couldn't help but stop what I was
doing and remember what he'd felt like. I wanted to take that long, soft,
inviting meat that he kept on display and show him how much I appreciated
the view. I was practically drooling over my need to taste it.

He caught me staring and he grinned at me. God I hated that; it was almost a
"come hither" look. I wasn't his bitch; even if I wanted to be. I frowned.
"Why do you do that?"

He looked bewildered. "Do what?"

Maybe I should have told him, but I chickened out. "Wander around nude all
the time." I rolled over and tried to ignore his naked body.

I swear he sounded disappointed, or maybe a little hurt. "I didn't know it
bothered you."

He didn't know it bothered me? Of course it didn't bother me; it drove me
nuts. I spent half my time trying not to drop to my knees and worship him. I
tried to toss the comment aside. "Did I say it bothered me? I was just
curious."

"Never thought about it, really, you rather I keep the towel on?"

I shut my book and jerked off the bed. I was getting pissed "Why the fuck
should I care what you wear, Bryan?" I grabbed my textbook and board. "I'm
gonna hit the library." I got out the door before he could make matters
worse. Little did I know that in a few hours it would get much worse.

Bryan came bursting into the room like the winner of the tri-state lottery.
Behind him he was dragging a pretty girl from Campus Theater. Her name
was Tina. I'd seen her a few times and she was a really good actress; she was
also as good looking as Bryan. For a few moments, I was amused and caught
up in Bryan's enthusiasm. "Justin, I got the part!"

"Which one, you only rehearsed a half dozen?"

"Romeo!" He stepped back and gestured to Tina. "This is Tina; she's Juliet."

I felt my stomach tighten and I knew I must have been turning green with
envy. At that moment, I hated Tina. "You'll make a great pair."

"We're going to have to rehearse a lot; we've only got a month." He couldn't
seem wait to get going.

Neither could I; I was feeling sick. I nodded and tucked my laptop into my
backpack. "I've got some research. You guys can use the room."

His face fell. I knew he was excited and wanting to share; if I wasn't looking
my primary rival in the face, I might have been able to share. Instead, I just
rained on his parade and headed for the door. "Ok." I was almost out the
door before he asked, "See you at dinner?"

I paused; his eyes were pleading. I guess I was being hard on him for things
that weren't his fault. He'd still been the same Bryan I'd fallen for. He

continued to treat me like gold, even when I actively put up barriers and
made distance. I was shutting him out, and I didn't have the guts to tell him
why. "Yeah, sure, I've got to eat anyway. Thanks."

He finally cornered me at dinner. "Ok, Justin, what gives? Last semester you
didn't mind when I rehearsed in the room."

I frowned. "Well, last semester I wasn't taking twenty one credits."

He shrugged. "Granted, but that hurt when you just walked out like that. I
thought you'd be happy for me."

Stabbing at my mashed potatoes, I sighed. "I am, but look at it from my
point of view; Romeo & Juliet is a romance." I couldn't get more obvious
than that.

"So?" He sounded genuinely confused; he couldn't possibly have been that
clueless.

I couldn't face the idea that he couldn't see how I felt; I looked at him
anyway, but it hurt. "It'd feel like I'm the third guy on a date, Bryan. I know
it's just a play, but you guys are going to be declaring your love, kissing and
stuff." I shrugged and looked at my plate again. He didn't get it; I could see
that in his eyes. I lied. "It'd be too distracting."

"It's not like I'm dating Tina or anything, Just. It's just acting."

I shrugged; it didn't matter, and I saw no point in bringing it up now. "I
know. Let's drop it, ok?"

He sighed and let it go. "Ok."

I gave them the space they needed. I know it bothered Bryan, but I just
couldn't face it. I tried a couple times, but I could see the connection
growing. The chemistry was almost explosive and I knew it was only a
matter of time. I could see them, years from then, as one of the "hot couples"
of the theater or Hollywood. Even so, I wasn't prepared for seeing it first
hand.

Through it all, I kept fighting with the conflicted signals I got from Bryan.
He would act like we were just friends, but every so often he would do
something that said it was more. Those little things: the unexpected neck
massages, the smiles and warm looks when he didn't think I was looking,
they all kept my hope alive.

I was too caught up in what I was thinking to notice the odd sounds coming
from the room as I unlocked the door and walked in. I just stood there,
staring, as Bryan's sweat covered body flexed against Tina. I knew we
weren't in that kind of relationship, but having it presented in no uncertain
terms took the wind out of me. I couldn't even say anything as Bryan
scrambled out of the bed. That only made it worse. I finally got to see what
I'd been dreaming about for months; he was naked, flush, glistening with
sweat, panting from exertion, and hard as a rock. I lost it.

Bryan grabbed my arm as I tried to run out the door. This time I wasn't
going to be restrained. "Justin, wait!"

He flinched as I glared at him. He let go. I hissed at him through my tears
before I slammed the door on our friendship. "I hate you." I don't think I've
ever regretted anything so much as that in my whole life. I didn't hate him; I
never could. That was what made it hurt so much more.

I don't know how long I wandered around aimlessly. I finally ended up at
Jeff's room. He was my best friend after Bryan, and he knew all about how I
felt. He'd warned me not to fall for a straight guy. He'd been there himself
and had honestly tried to divert disaster. I hadn't listened. He held me as I
cried myself out, and then suggested it might be best if I just spent the last
few weeks before exams with him. His roommate had graduated in
December, and he had the room to himself.

When I got back to the room, Bryan was sitting on his bed looking
miserable; he hadn't even put on any clothes. I didn't say anything; I
couldn't. I just pulled out a bag from under my bed and started putting some
clothes in it. He stared at me. "What are you doing?"

I shrugged; I couldn't look at him. "Jeff said I could room with him till the
end of the semester."

"Why?" He choked it out, and the pain in his voice forced me to look. He
was crying, and it was contagious. "I thought we were friends."

All I felt was defeated. Even with all the pain he still didn't get it. "I guess
that's all we were, Bryan. It's not your fault I thought it was more." I turned
back to my bed and finished stuffing what I needed into the bag.

"Do you really hate me?"

It felt as if he'd slapped me. I couldn't even say it; it hurt too much to know
that with everything that'd happened he just never saw me the way I was. I
couldn't break my eyes from his as he stood up and crossed the gap between
our beds. Just being that close to him had me trembling. His hands bracketed
my face and he studied me for a few moments. It was as if he were looking
at me for the first time. He bent down and kissed me.

I whimpered as he pulled back. My reality had just been turned upside down
and I wasn't ready. "Bryan..." He put his finger to my lips. His eyes begged
me not to end the moment. I didn't.

When he kissed me again, I gave way. I could feel him hardening between
us and the way he kissed me was too real to deny. I didn't care if it was only
for one night; I needed it. Then it happened. It was like a circuit had been
thrown and suddenly we understood each other.

We didn't even do much more than some oral work and exploring each other
with our hands before we blew. It was the most intense orgasm I'd ever had.
I almost blacked out as I struggled to keep from screaming. Bryan followed
me moments later, and I knew he wasn't acting. No one was that good an
actor. I fell asleep, spooned against Bryan with his dripping need between
my cheeks. My body trembled again, just before I fell asleep. I was where I
was supposed to be, and my body knew it.

I woke like I had back in December, but this time Bryan's hard-on was
wedged against my ass without my having to do anything. In fact, Bryan was
slowly working his shaft back and forth with slow, small motions as he
kissed my neck. I sighed as I pressed back against him. He was awake.

His movements stopped, but he held me tighter to him. "I'm sorry, Just. I'm
sorry I kept you waiting so long."

"It's ok." I was smiling, but there was still a small pit in my stomach. "I love
you, Bryan." I kept my eyes closed and prayed he wouldn't freak.

He didn't. His fingers brushed my chin and tilted me up so he could kiss me.
"I know..." When I opened my eyes, he grinned at me. "I hate you too."

For a moment, the words jarred me, but then I realized what he meant. The
words didn't matter; what mattered was what emotion they carried. I'd
screamed them at him, but we both knew what I'd really meant. Through all
the pain and frustration, I was still telling him I loved him. He finally
understood. I smiled, and I knew we had a game we'd be playing for a long
time. "You know what I'd hate?"

He nuzzled me again and I felt him flex against my ass. "No, but I'm hating
this."

I sighed. "I'd hate it more if you were to finish what you've been doing all
morning. I'd hate that a lot."

Bryan slowly pressed me down onto the mattress, his cock never leaving my
cleft as his full weight settled onto my back. "You'd hate that huh?"

I bit my lip as he rocked against me. He was dripping so much that I knew
we didn't need any lube. "Yeah," I gasped, "I'd really hate that."

Matt had proven I was a consummate bottom. It wasn't that I wouldn't top,
but I just really got off having a man in me. Matt had been a bit longer than
Bryan, but Bryan was thicker and had a nice size head. He rubbed himself
against my hole, pressing in a little and pulling back. I was panting by the
time he felt I was moist enough to venture in.

I gasped as my ring gripped around his shaft after he pressed in. Oh God he
felt good. Bryan moaned. We didn't say anything else as he slowly claimed
me. Honestly, I think we claimed each other. I had no idea how long he
stayed above me, supported on his arms while he slowly slid in and out of
me. All I knew was each stroke sent me further and further from the
loneliness and frustration I'd been living with since December. When I
came, I whimpered out his name before shuddering into the sheets. I must
have really clamped down on Bryan because he didn't get more than three
strokes further before he bent forward, shaking, and bit into my neck to
muffle his cry.

Bryan sank down against me as his trembling subsided. I was deliriously
sated. Then he did the only thing that could make the moment even better.
He chewed softly on my ear and whispered, "God, I love you, Just."

We missed our morning classes. I didn't care. Bryan made love to me three
times that morning. The wall was gone, and the warm looks and smiles he
gave me meant so much more. That night, while lying in his arms, I asked
him about Tina. He said he'd deal with it.

He did. I came face to face with Tina the next day between classes, and I
didn't know what to do. She just leaned in, kissed me on the cheek, and said,
"You two make such a great couple." We had dinner, and she explained how
it had happened, and how guilty she felt. She was between boyfriends, but
she honestly hadn't been after Bryan. Now that they both knew the state of
things, she knew it would never happen again. Honestly, I believed her.

Over the week we discussed us, our dreams, and the fact that neither of us
wanted to give up our relationship. I still couldn't believe Bryan loved me,
but he said that looking back, he'd fallen in love when I'd plowed him down
on my skateboard. He only asked me to do one thing; he hated my glasses.
Lucky for him; I had contacts, I just never wore them. I called home and had
Mom ship them to me. I planned to surprise Bryan for the opening night. As
we got closer to the first performance, I got nervous. The one thing we
hadn't discussed was whether or not we were going to be "out".

Bryan just smiled and hugged me when I asked. I wanted a definitive
answer, but all he would say was, "Just let what happens, happen."

I had to blink though the tears as I watched Bryan and Tina take their bows.
Part of the reason was I wasn't used to the contacts; the other was that the
performance really was that good. They had such a connection on stage that
to anyone watching it the romance went further than the roles. Of course,
only a week ago I believed that too. Seeing his eyes immediately search for
me the moment the curtain was down and Tina had danced off to the
dressing room made it clear that was not the case. Tina and Bryan did have a
connection, a strong one, but Romeo was looking for someone other than
Juliet.

I had to stay tense to keep from throwing myself at him as he saw me and
made his way off stage. Bryan was just that hot; most of the girls and nearly
all the gay guys were lusting for him. Honestly, it was intimidating to be
there. We'd only been officially together for a week, and I still wasn't certain
it was real.

"What'd you think?" The way his eyes laughed and his lips curled with
mirth, I knew he was faking. He liked playing with me this way. I didn't
mind; it was a reminder of how close we'd come to ending and what it'd
taken to get where we were. Of course, I'd always over-analyzed everything.
Bryan was all about the experience; I was all reasons why.

My lips curled into a grin as I looked into his eyes. He liked what he saw; I'd
put away my "practical" eyewear for the sting and inconvenience of my
contacts. He was worth it. He could just melt me; the way his eyes burned as
he looked into mine made my heart beat faster. "I hated you in that scene."

I stiffened for a second as his arm snaked around me. Then I just let go and
let him pull me in. Every time he held me I'd tremble; it was like my body
was recalibrating itself or something. What ever it was, he's the only one
who ever did that to me. If you've never had a beautiful, strong man pull you
up against him and nuzzle your neck in front of God and creation, then you
haven't lived. He kissed his way back to my lips lightly before pulling back
and smiled. "Yeah, I know, I hate you too."

I didn't need the words; not any more. Everything he did, or said, told me
what I needed to hear. I love you. It was easy to understand once you knew
the language.