AN E-MAIL: To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday. A LETTER FROM SANTA 2 Cold Street North Pole, Canada H0H 0H0 I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February. Sincerely, Santa. WEST SIDE CHRISTMAS 'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good. The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill. Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live. And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine. All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly. I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass! well anyway.... I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness. I said, for real doe, come check dis out. We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh. Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!" He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!" To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!" He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move. I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack! But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz." Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin. He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat. I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?" he said,"You best get on up out my face!" His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold, His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old. He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side. Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide. A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof, He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome, To tap that big booty waitin' at home. And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty..... "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!" 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads. PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To [e-mail] - Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue. No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me) No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through, It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself. Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night. 'Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse. No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter. There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter. There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney. I'll be alone, my computer and me. I won't race to the window, to see him arrive. I'll just sit right here..... with windows ninety-five. There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around. None of my regular buddies are found. I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out. Age, sex, location is all that's about. As, I was about to go check out the net. I got an E-mail which I didn't expect. A lady told me, she had read my profile. And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while. She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave. But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve. She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on. But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun. She said, the computer, was usually locked tight. But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight. He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night. So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right." She started to tell me, about her whole life. How, she was expected to be a good wife. She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs. Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds. She talked on and on, from one thing to the next. Then finally told me...... she was oversexed. She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told. He's always too busy, and getting too old. Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex. She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex. I said, if she wanted me to, that I could. Then after an hour, she got really good. After five hours, my fingers were sore. I told her, that I couldn't go anymore. She said, that was fine, because she was tired too. And anyway, her husband, soon would be due. She said she would be on, the same time next year. Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here. She said, only.... on this night, she could be found. It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town. She said bye, and signed off.....and I had to pause. I think I just cybered........with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!! 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse. 'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him And tore him apart - Ate his mouse intestines And chewed up his heart. Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, Which made him take pause - He stopped daintily licking The blood from his claws. "Must be Santa," thought Kitty (That quite clever cat) 'Cuz nobody else climbs down The chimney like that. Indeed it was ol' Santa So jolly and fat With a huge load of presents And all for the cat! "Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr, Then he coughed up a hairball And shed some more fur! Angel On The Tree Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?" And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. 20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :-)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :-(" 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."