From Jokes2000:
"Dismembered unit"
A man spent the evening in a Japanese house of ill-repute and contracts a strange disease, causing his member to display colors ranging from red, to green, to purple and several other hues. In a state of panick, he contacts his family doctor, and is informed that his penis must be amputated immediately. After two or three opinions from other family practitioners, he decides to try a Japanese doctor. A Japanese prostitute, probably a Japanese disease... why not a Japanese doctor? After finding a suitable physician in the Yellow Pages, he visits the Japanese doctor's office, knocks on the fringe, and hesitantly approaches the medical man. "What can I do for you?" asks the doctor. "Look at this..." replies the man, and drops his drawers, revealing his sickly little friend. "Not for too long...", replies the doctor, "What happened?" The man explains the circumstances, then asks the doctor, "Will you have to amputate?" "No" replied the doctor, and he explained to the relieved man, "two..three days.. that thing gonna fall off all by itself."

From Jokes2000:
"Oh, to be young again"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

From Jokes2000:
"Revenge"
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

123 Humor:
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

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Peter came home from school and said to his mother, "Mom, I'm not gong to school anymore and I have two reasons why:

1. All the boys at school make fun of me and
2. All the girls at school make fun of me."

"Peter, I'm going to give you two reasons why you should go to school," replied his mother ... "1. You're 42 years old and 2. You're the headmaster!"



The guy on the right is K.G. {Kevin Garnett}. That's my boy's "man"! (laughs) Well, he's also a good ball playa!! I'm just really bored!! And then there's Griffey!! That's my boy's otha "man"...hehehe....Bye now.

From Twisted Humor:
"Cannibal Family"
A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."

It's A Joke:
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was, ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

Joke by Mail:
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"




From a friend:
Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little old woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old woman: He began to rub my breast.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old woman: HELL NO! That is when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that is when I shot the son of a bitch.

Gibbleguts:
"A MAN AND HIS POISON"
A man went to see a rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?" The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offered, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously said, "Yes." "Take the poison," said the Rabbi.

Fogmail:
There is this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute. He knocks on the door and the madam comes to answer it, sees him and asks what he wants. He says he wants what she is selling inside, and has the money to buy it and isn't leaving until he gets it. She thinks she could have some fun with him, so she tells him to come in. Once he gets in, she tells him to pick one of the girls he likes. He asks her if any of the girls have any diseases and, of course, the madam says no. He tells her he has heard all the men in town talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and she's the girl he wants and he has the money to pay for it. The madam tells him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he heads down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later, he comes back down, still dragging the frog. He pays the madam, picks up his wagon and starts to head out the door. The madam stops him and asks him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He replies, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to make love to the baby-sitter and give her the disease I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter home and, on the way, he will make love to her and he'll catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed and they'll make love and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk and he'll make love to mom and he'll catch it, and HE'S THE SON-OF-A-BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"