Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again" The Lepperchaun One day the hero of ancient days the generous Finn McCool was wondering how life on earth was now that it was under the general direction and total management by the Christian church-so he took it upon himself to investigate and on the third day after thinking it over thumb firmly on wisdom tooth and after a large salmon of knowledge dinner he descended from tir-na-nog (the land without egg nog aka land of youth) to the dusty pathways of Earth. Upon arrival he met up with his Christian Counter part St.Patrick who was as usual on the road from big house to big house in search of a pint and food and of course selling raffle tickets for that new church. What brings ye here said saint patrick to finn? Well says Finn I came to see how things were under your guidance and to walk with you and find out. Well St. Patrick says you will enjoy do doubt a wonderful pint of stout at the next big house as they say there is none in heaven. No said Finn-he had taken the precatuion of drinking several vats before descending-both because he feared that the christians would have banned it by then and also to provide gasseous fuel for his assent. And said Finn that bit about no beer in heaven is only for the Catholics-for over charging at their festivals. So on the road the two went talking about old times and the deeds of the Fianna. As they got to one particularlly dry and dusty plain they met an old lepper crawling along on the stumps of what once were his legs. The leppar recognized St. Patrick with his traditional green vestments croizer,miter and large roll of chances for the next drawing. The lepper said to Patrick -it is said that you have the power to cure and that many have been helped by your power. Tis true said St.Patrick I have done many wonderful things and many a good ticket number I have sold. Finn said now here is a test Patrick in the old days we would have been generous and we would have helped the poor what do you have for this poor man? It is not a hard thing to tell Finn O generous,thoughtful Finn.And he motioned the lepper to come nearer. Lepper Said St. Patrick-Shall I cure you? (Finn was astonished-how could patrick have such powers-impossible-maybe christianity has greater powers after all....) The lepper said that indeed a cure would be a great blessing for his poor life. Patrick looked down at the lepper then up at the still amazed Finn- Lepper as you know I am building churches throughout Ireland. Yes said the lepper the bingos and dances and dinners are without number throughout this land of ours. Indeed said Patrick-Cringe did Finn- Lepper if you will give me a coin I shall cure you-do you have a coin? The lepper thought and looked up at patrick through the rays of a hot sun-yes patrick I have the two gold coins which I have saved for burial-but if you can cure me they will be yours and he unwrapped them from the cloth and handed them to the Saint.Finn at this point could bear no more -he took Patrick asside and said:"Patrick how can you deceive a poor man like this -this had better be good...'Patrick said to Finn watch and you shall see. Patrick reached into his green satchel and pulled out two large pint bottles of Stout and uncapped them. lepper If you wish to be saved kneel down -no hard task said the lepper-Now I kneel always -so he moved into the sun beside the saint and bowed his head in prayer and hope. Patrick with all due ceremony raised with two hands the two stout bottles and poured the sweet thick stout all over the lepper -and he said unto him-lepper with the goodness of stout go forward into life and find your cure. As the lepper struggled along the road becomming stickier in the hot sun and atracting a host of flys as company Fair finn was turning a bright red Patrick he said-what is the meaning of this terrible wrong-that man is not cured and will not be and you have taken his money-how the world is cursed by the christians. Finn said Patrick settle down have you forgotten all the old tales-of the Tuatha de,and the Fomor, of the little people-or of the Gentry and the banshee?Is it that long that you have been away your memory gone? Have you indeed forgotten dear Finn of that centerpiece of Irish Culture- THE L E P P E R C O N ! ! ! ! May always good music be surrounded by good food story and song. Conrad Jay Bladey Internet Carbado/ir ********************************************** A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again. ************************************************************************** His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. * * * * * * * Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!" ******************************************************** Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?" **************************************** A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor. "Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!" Pat O'Brien by way of John Eaton ************************************************************************** Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale" ************************************************************************** A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. "Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." "You've Thinnned?" "Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." "Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." "Will that wash away me Thin?" "No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." ************************************************************************** Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic, why" "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and the shot him" ************************************************************************** Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite. ************************************************************************** Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German". ************************************************************************** It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it jams." ************************************************************************** Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" ************************************************************************** Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case someone looses them. ************************************************************************** Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them" ************************************************************************** First time ever on an aeroplane and he is noticed by the stewardess who can see he is quite afraid of flying. "Is there anything wrong sir" she asks "No missus" he replies "Just the first time I ever flew, I'm from Ahoghill, near Ballymena and the first man in the town ever to fly" So she leaves it at that and gets on with he her duties. When the plane is due to land she goes back to the passenger "Well sir were you comfy?" she asks. He looks round at her and answers "I telt ye that afore, joost oot side Ballymena. (all the fine pieces above are fromthe Collection of Mr. Adam Flinn) ************************************************************************** "Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there." ************************************************************* One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong." Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?" Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do." Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest. A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?" "I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !' And the fight was on." ************************************ Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!" __________________________________________ An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." __________________________________________________ Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. "Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!" The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine." The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" "Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!" ************************************************ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade. _______________________________________________________ did ye here the one about Gerry Adams showing up at Heavens Gates??? weel St. Peter stops him and says to Gerry" yev got a lot of nerve showin up here an tryin to get in after the way yev been actin down on earth" Gerry just looks at him an laughs..."oh im not here to get in...im here to give yis a message..." St. Peter says" oh and what would that be?" Gerry replies" yis have about 5 minutes to get out!!!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what do ye call a man whos been kneecapped by the RA??? Liam!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'." The next joke is a personal fav: The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was shorter than that." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? A: Paddy O'Furniture! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any snakes! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Engilshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARAD!!!" Submitted by Sean. ************************************************************************************* O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!" "For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women." Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him. "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!" ***************************************************************** Father Falnagan was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a scream followed by a thud. To his horror he saw a lovely young lass had been hit by a speeding motorist. In fact she had been hit so hard she had all of the clothes knocked off. Father Flanagan being a gentleman placed his hat across her privates. Meanwhile Michael was just inside a pub. He'd been having several pints when he decided enough was enough and he stepped out side to the accident. "Christ" says Michael "The first thing we got to do is get that man outta there." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children." So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm.." Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning????" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman walks into the pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He asks that they be brought over to him at the table. The Irishman drinks the pints one at a time and then leave. This routine goes on for about two months. Finally, the bartender asks why the Irishman has the three pints. "Well'" he says, " The first pint is for me brudder in Amerikay and the second is for me brudder in England." The bartender nods in agreement and tells the lads at the bar who have witnessed the comings and goings for the two months. Several weeks latter, the Irishman enters the pub and orders two pints. As the bartender walks up to the table with a pint in each hand, he says. "If you don't mind my asking, have you lost one of your brother?" The Irishman pauses for a second, sees the two pints and says, "Oh forsakes no, me missus has me off the liquor [on the wagon][off the drop]!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a roman catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water and the horse went on to win the race, streaks ahead of the opposition, then at before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water, and like the first horse it went on to win it's race, so the guy said to him self if the priest sprinlkes another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse, and sure enough the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race, and the gug was devestated, so he went over to the priest and said what are you playing at, the last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 100 yards, and i had put every penny I had on it's nose what are you playing at. The priest replied you are a protestant are'nt you and the guy admitted that he was, and said but how do you know that, the priest said because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights. ************************************************************* Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You are the father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor ansered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night." So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did. Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the local cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck." -- May God have mercy on us all, ********************************************************** Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on. "Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner." "Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh." "No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone." Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother." "Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried." Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "will you o that for yer oldest friend, Mike?" Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?' *********************************************************************** A man is walking down the streets of Belfast late one night when another man jumps out of the shadows holding a machine gun and asks: "Are you Catholic or Protestant?" The first man responds "Neither I'm Jewish." In a hail of gun fire he falls dead. The second man starts to walk away and thinks to himself, I'm the luckiest damn Arab in Ireland. ********************************************************* One night, in the wee hours, a lad began pounding on the doors of the public house. "I must have me half'n half!" he yelled. "I must have me half'n half!" The pub owner and his wife were upstairs, asleep in bed. The good wife heard the din below and woke her husband. "I must have me half'n half!" was the cry heard from below as the owner threw open the window and looked down on the lad. "Go away man! We'll open again in the mornin'." the pub owner yelled. "I must have me half'n half! I must have me half'n half!", the lad hollered with great gusto. The pub owner again announced that the pub will be closed until morning. "I must have me half'n half!" was the persistent cry from below. The owner shouted, " Hold on a minute." And with that he reached under the bed and grabbed the thundering jug. He walked with it over to the window, poured the contents down over the besotted lad and cried out, "There's your half'n half! Half mine, half the old lady's!" And went off to bed. ************************************************************************************* paddy and mick are walking together and paddy says "mick, have you shit yer sel?" "no, a have not", replies mick. the two tinkers keep marching down the dirt track looking for an abode when the that certain whiff once again catches the nose of paddy; "mick, are you sure you havn't shit yer sel?" "a have'nt shit ma sel" retorts mick. they reach a barn and the two decide to bed down. mick takes down his trousers and the tell tale signs are there for paddy to see. "mick, a thought you said you hadn't shit yer sel" says paddy as he points to the offending pile inside his pal's kegs. "oh, a thought you meant today paddy!" **************************************************************** At the end of his sermon Father O'Briain turned to his listeners and said: "Now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks truly he is bound for Paradise? Would you please stand?" He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up. "That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?" After a few seconds, Jock Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained standing as the priest eyed him with sadness. Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Father O'Briain pulled Jock aside and asked him, "Now, Jock, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?" To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself." ***************************************************************** The queen of England and the Pope were seated side by side on the platform at an event. After speaking together the subject of the innate powers of their respective offices came up."Isn't it curious that with a wave of my hand I can bring this crowd to its feet ,cheering,"said her majesty. "quite to the contrary," said the Pope, I can with a nod of my head cause every Irishman in the world to rise to his feet cheering."My dear man I would like to see that ,"said the Queen. With that the Pope head butted her! Dennis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there." Tony Cooperider -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangle found him. He inquired of God,"where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". The Archangle Micahel looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's north America and south America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hotspot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the Archangle said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot onearth; Beautiful mountains,lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be greatcrack and they're going to be found traveling the world.They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangle gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them" ******************************************************************** What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk at the wake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a new Irish restaurant being built near downtown L.A. They are going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone coming the door gets a potato and a six-pack. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's Black and Blue and floats in Sydney Harbour? A person caught telling "Paddy the Irishman" jokes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat went into the jewelry store, pulled out his pocket watch and told the clerk it wasn't working. The clerk unscrewed the back and opened it up and a little cockroach fell out. Pat exclaimed, "no wonder it didn't work, the engineer is dead!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat and Mike were very good friends and Pat came over to Mike's house to visit. When he entered the home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time. She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while I finish the curtains?" A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How Ya doin Mike?" Mike replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guiness that never goes dry". "Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guiness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient. "So what do you want for your other two wishes"? askes the irritated genie. "Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a fellow is talking to his irish buddy ad says, " i gotta stop drinking that irish whisky" "how come?" asked his friend. "Because every saturday night i go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up sunday morning and go to church." "whats wrong with that?" the irishman asks. "a lot of good irishman go out on saturday night, drink a fifth of good irish whisky, come home do the wife, and go to mass on sunday" " i know" said his friend, "but i'm jewish. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- three irishmen, drunk as can be come staggering down the street singing danny boy at the top of their lungs. they stopped in front of flahertys house still singing. after a few minutes the window flies open and mrs. flaherty yells out, why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else. are you mrs. flaherty? asks one of the drunks. you know dam well i'm am she says. well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. the last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. as soon as the wife is gone he heads down to clancys pub. after spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. he gts up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. all the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up.she walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. she answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. she looks at mahony and says, so you went to clancys pub after all did ya. well yes dear said mahoney, but how did you know? thats was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there was this guy who was 1/2 irish, 1/2 scottish. he wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was asked, rather anxiously, what Irish people did about Irish jokes? "Tell them about Kerrymen" sez I. "But what do the Kerry people do about them?", I was asked. "Put them in books and sell them to Englishmen", sez I! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar dicussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'" Murphy says, "Thats's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a heavy night's drinking, two Irishmen stagger home from their country pub, intending to take a short cut through the graveyard. Being much the worse for wear, they decide to take a rest against a stone, where Paddy reads the inscription. "Do y'know, Michael, this fella here lived till he was 103!!" "And did he come from hereabouts then?" asks Michael. "No," says Paddy, reading the stone, "he was Miles, from Dublin"