Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!" "Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?" "Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!" What's Irish diplomacy? The ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he'll look forward to making the trip. Why'd God invent Whisky? So the Irish would never rule the world. "So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards." What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake? One less drinker! Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!" "Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?" "No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'" How do you tell the Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. How is it that we know Christ was Irish? Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God. How can you tell the Irish fella in the hospital ward? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!! An Irish priest in a small village near Donegal was fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" Almost immediately all the men stood up. "Dear god, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" Almost immediately all the women stood up. "Almighty Father, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Almost immediately, half the women stood up. "NO, NO, NO", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" Immediately all the Nuns stood up... Did you hear about the Irish business man who got his name printed on the front and back of his business card? - Just in case he lost it... There's a German, Scotsman and Irishman at a bar after work. Each has a full pint. 3 flies buzz into the bar and all of a sudden land in each of their beers. The German is fuming mad - "No way I drink this! Disgusting!" as he pushes the pint away. The Scotsman thinks for a minute, "ach, it ain't that bad. Ye jist pull oot the wee nipper like this...there ya go, fine as dandy." and proceeds to take a swig. The Irishmen is also mad, he plucks the fly out by its wings, holds it over the pint and yells, "Spit it out ya Bastard, spit it out!!!" An American was boasting to O'Leary that back in the US, they can erect skyscrapers in 4 weeks. O'Leary replied that in Ireland they can start a row of houses in the morning and on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind with the rent. How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Five - One to change the bulb and four to comment on how grand the old bulb was. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Cos they're always a little short An Irishman living in Devon goes for a job on a construction site. The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?" The Irishman says, "Yes." "Good. Can you drive a fork lift?" The Irishman looks at him and says, "Why, just how big is the teapot?" How do you get a 1-armed Irishman down from a tree? Wave to him Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A: A different bar. Two lil leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior. The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Well, mother superior, would you be a knowing any midget nuns here at the convent?" "Afraid not," replies Mother Superior, "there are no midget nuns here" "all right then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?" "Well, no," replied Mother Superior, "none that I know of." "Well then, in the whole world of nuns, would you know of any Midget nuns?" "No, I would'nt - there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" said Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "well, I told you so...you've been dating a Penguin." First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it." Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: " Nope...in the head." Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins! How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. There's this new Irish restaraunt being built in downtown Boston. They're going to serve 7-course gourmet Irish meals. Everyone coming in the door gets a potato and a six pack... Did you hear about the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun? A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."