LIVER AND CHEESE The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie approaches and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have a date with me." So the Doberman says "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine." A DAMN CHECKING ACCOUNT A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I`m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There`s no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You`re in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He`s a cross dresser Ugly:He looks better than you Good: Your son`s finally maturing Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife`s not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She`s a lawyer Good: The postman`s early Bad: He`s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas GOING TO THE GYM This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine." ABOUT WOMEN A little girl and her mother were shopping.The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated.She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again.The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are.You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." THREE GUYS IN A DESERT There were three guys in a desert. A smart one, a kinda smart one and a dumb one. When their jeep ran out of gas they decded to walk. To lighten the load they decided to bring one thing each. The smart one said, "I'll bring this cantene, so if I get thristy I'll have water to drink." The kinda smart one said "Well I'll bring this chair, so if I get tired, I can sit down." Then the dumb one said, "well you guys got all the good stuff so I'll just bring this door." "Why?" the other two asked. "So if I get hot I can just roll down the window." THREE GUYS IN A HOTEL Three guys went to a hotel to rent rooms for the night. There was a smart one, kinda smart one and a dumb one. When they each asked for a room, the lady said there was only three rooms with beds left, one with a brick bed, one with a bed of dirt, and one with a bed covered in red fire ants. The smart one said; "I'll take the one with the brick bed." The kinda smart one said; "I'll take the one with the bed of dirt" The dumb one said; "Well I guess I'm stuck with the bed covered in red fire ants." They all went to bed. The next morning at breakfast the lady asked "how'd you all sleep?"The smart one said; "Good, but my back hurts." The kinda smart one said; "Okay, but I'm all dirty." "How'd you sleep?" The lady asked the dumb one. Excellent." "Really?" They all said shocked "Yeah." "How?" "I killed one fire ant and all the rest went to the funeral." THE BIG BOMB George Washington chopped down a cherry tree. Tiger Woods hit a golf ball. Sadamn Hosane dropped a bomb. One day, a man was walking home and he saw a little boy who was crying. The man asked "What's wrong, little boy?" The boy answered, "A tree with these little berries fell down on my kitten." The man walked on. A little farther on he saw a little girl who was crying. He again asked, "What's wrong, little girl?" She answered, "A golf ball hit me in my head." She showed him the big red bump on her head. He walked on. A little later in the day he walked up to a boy who was just laughing his little head off. "What's so funny?" he asked. The boy laughed more. He said, "I farted, and the house behind me blew up!" YOU'RE A BASTARD WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK... Two men were sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State building. When the man with glasses turns and says to the other "Didcha know that on breezy days like these if you jump out of the window you'll fly right back in?" The other one says "No way! There's no way that could really happen. You must think I'm stupid." The one with the glasses says "Yeah it can! I'll prove it." Then he jumps right out the window and sure enough he flys right back in. Now, the other guy says "Whoa! That was too cool." The guy with glasses says "Yeah it's really fun. Why don't you try it?" So the other guy says "What the hell." and dives out the same window as the one with the glasses. But instead of flying back in, the other falls straight to the gruond with a Splat! He's dead. The man with the glasses smiles and sits back on his bar stool. As the bar tender is cleaning out a glass he turns to the man with glasses and says "Man, you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman." COMPUTERS AND THEIR MANY PROBS A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and theother, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it JOB SEARCH Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." BUNGEE JUMPING IN MEXICO Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIŃATA?" TOP FBI AGENT The FBI was looking for their top agent and they narrowed their choice down to three people, two guys and a girl. The brought in the first guy to give him his ultimate assignment. They brought him the room and they said "Look, for your ultimate test you hafta take this gun, go in that room and shoot your wife. She's sitting on a chair in there." The guy looked at them in disbelief and said, "I...I can't do that." The FBI agents bring in the next guy and give him the mission. The guy takes the gun, walks in the room and comes back out and hands them the gun and says "I can't do that. I'm sorry. I can't shoot my wife." So the FBI agents bring in the girl and they tell her that she hasta go in and shoot her husband. She looks at the agents to make sure they're serious, takes the gun and walks in the room. Then you hear six shots ring out. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then shit starts crashing all aroung the room. CRASH BANG BOOM. After everything is quiet she came out of the room. The FBI guys asked "What the hell happened?!" She said "some dumbass loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair." WATCH OUT FOR GRANDMA! An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bag drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. IS LAUGHING AT SOMEONE A CRIME? A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time his smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud." "CASE DISMISSED" said the Judge. HINTS FOR THE INEXPERIANCED TRAVELER * Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo" * There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare. * Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars. * Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms. * In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami. * Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig" TO LIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. MUFFINS These two muffins are in an oven and one muffin says to the other muffin "Man! It's hot in here." Then the muffin says "Oh my God, a talking muffin!" (Thanx Jason from my Chemistry class) GORILLA NOSTRILS Why do Gorilla's have big nostrils? Big fingers. GORILLA NOSTRILS Why do gorilla's have big nostrils? Cuz they have big fingers. EXCUSES, EXCUSES A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word,and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. NATIONALISM An Englishmen, a Frenchmen and a New Yorker were a on plane when it crashed on an island. The natives there were cannibals and told the three that they were going to eat them and make a canoe out of their skins. The natives agreed to give the three each a wish. The Englishmen asked for a sword and stabbed himself in the chest yelling, "Long live the queen!" The Frenchmen asked for a gun and shot himself in the head saying "Viva La France." The New Yorker asked for a knife and starting stabbing himself all over his body. When the natives asked what he was doing he said "FUCK YOUR CANOE!!" FAMILY TURNING GAY A guy goes into a bar and says, "Bartender give me 40 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "What's the matter?" The guy answers, "I just found out my son's gay." He walks in the next day and says, "Bartender give me 50 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Now what's the matter?" He replies, "Just found out my other son is gay." He walks in the next day and says "Bartender, give me 70 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy replies, "Yeah, my wife." A CORNY & GAY JOKE This one?s a little corny but it?s kinda cute. A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us. It's the peanuts, answered the bartender. "Say what?" replied the man in disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary." How do u sit 4 fags on a barstool? Turn it upside down What's better than winning 3 special Olympic gold medals? Not being retarded