PUZZLES AND BLONDES One day a blonde was sitting at the table putting together a puzzle. She tried and tried and tried but she could not fit the pieces together. Finally her mom comes home from work and asks, "what the hell are you doing?" The blonde says, "well I've been working on this puzzle all day but I can't get the pieces together. It's supposed to be a picture of a tiger but all the pieces look the same." Her mom says, "Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box and go watch TV." THREE BLONDES WENT TO HEAVEN Three blondes went to heaven. They stopped at the great gate. St Peter said "Okay, for you all to be let into heaven you must each answer a question correctly." The blondes all nodded at each other. "You first," he said pointing to the first blonde. "What is Thanksgiving?" "Oh that's the day when our family gets a big pine tree and we decorate it and celebrate the birth of Christ." "No. Go to hell." said St. Peter. "Now you," he continued pointing at the next blonde "what is Christmas?" "Oh, Christmas is when when get a day off to cook turkey and sit around the table and eat with our family and give thanks for what we have." St. Peter sighed, "Nope. Go to hell." He turned his head gingerly to the last and only blonde left. He sighed again. "What is Easter?" "Oh geez, what an easy question!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. That's when Jesus was nailed onto a big cross by the Romans and after he died they put him in a cave and closed it off with a boulder." "Wow! Good job. You may proceed to Heav-" "Wait, I'm not done yet. And every year they roll away the boulder and if Jesus sees his shadow there'll be six more weeks 'til spring." FIFTY-ONE DAYS One day at regular bar, two blondes entered and ordered a bottle of champayne and 5 glasses. They sat at a table and started chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days." A short time later another blonde entered carrying a framed picture. The other two poured her a glass of champayne and the chanting continued louder this time "51 days, 51 days, 51 days." In another moment, another two blondes entered and sat at the table fixing themselves a glass of wine. And the chanting continued "51 days, 51 days, 51 days." Finally the bartender decided he was gonna find out what was happening in 51 days. He walked up and said "What's up in 51 days." the blonde who brought in the picture to the framed picture and said "Oh, we bought this puzzle at K-mart 51 days ago to prove the blondes aren't so stupid." "Did you prove it?" The bartender asked. "Yep." "How so?" "On the box it says 2-4 years but we finished the puzzle in 51 days." 40 MILES TO THE MAIN LAND A blonde, a brunett and a red-head were on an island 40 miles away from the main land with no transportation, food or knowledge on how to catch food. After a day the red-head decided she was going to try to swim to the main land. She swim 5 miles decided she couldn't make it and she drown. The next day, the brunett tried to swim to the main land. She swim 10 miles, decided she couldn't make it and she drown. The day after, the blonde decided to try to swim to the main land. She swam 20 miles and decided she couldn't make it, so she swam back to the island. BUCKING BRONCO A blonde was riding a horse. It was bucking and going mad. She slipped and was under the horse held on only by her saddle. The horse went wilder. Bucking, jumping and draging the blonde with it. The blonde was just about to fall off when.... The Walmart manager came up and unplugged the machine. CORNFIELD A blonde was driving on the highway when she passed a cornfield and saw another blonde rowing a boat through the field. She got out of the car, stood at the end of the field and shouted, "You're the kind of person that gives us blondes a bad name! If I had a row boat I'd come out there and kick your ass!!" CHALK WHITE CIRCLE A trucker was driving his truck one day down the highway. A blonde in a BMW cut him off. He got really mad and drove her off the road and got outta the truck. She got outta the BMW and the trucker started yelling at her. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" The blonde just laughed at him. So he went in his truck, grabbed a piece of chalk and drew a white circle and said, "Stand in that circle and don't move!" The blonde nodded her head. He went back to his truck, grabbed a knife and slashed the tires on the blonde's BMW, he ripped the leather seats apart and tore out the fluff. He went back to the blonde who was just laughing her head off. "What's so funny?!" he commanded but she kept laughing. So he went back to his truck, took out a bat and went back to the BMW. He smashed in the roof, busted the glass and destroyed the rim. He went back to the blonde who was laughing even harder than before. "Errr. Now I'm mad!" the trucker screamed at her. He pounded back to his truck, picked out a can of gasoline and dreched the BMW in it. Then he chucked a lighted match on the car and it lit up. He went back to the blonde. She was laughing harder than ever before. "What's so god damn funny?!" when she didn't reply he said, "Tell me, Dammit!" Finally she said, "Well, *laugh* when you weren't looking, *laugh* I stepped out *laugh* of the circle three times!" JIMMY Once upon a time, there was a blonde who had six young boys, all of whom she named 'Jimmy'. One day, her aunt asked, "Why did you name all of these boys 'Jimmy'?" The blond said, "So I can keep track of 'em." The aunt gave her a wild look. "So you can keep track of 'em? How the heck can you do that when they're all named 'Jimmy'?" The blonde looked at her aunt, shrugged and said, "No problem, I just call them by their last names." MAGICAL MIRROR Once upon a time, there was a magical mirror. If you told truth in front of the magical mirror, angels would come down and bring you to heaven and all that mess. But if you lied, you were sucked into hell. A red-head went up in front of the mirror and said "I think I'm most beautiful girl in the world." She was sucked into hell. Then, a brunette went in front of the mirror and said "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." She was sucked into hell. Then, a blonde went in front of the mirror and said "I think-" and she was sucked into hell. BLONDE AND HANDGUNS One day a blonde caught her boyfriend cheating on her with another woman. A brunette of course. But anywayz, she was so angry that she went out bought a handgun and waited for when she knew her boyfriend and his other girl would be meeting. It happened to be a hotel room. She storms in the hotel to catch them in bed, at it again. (Those damn brunettes.) But anywayz, the blonde pulls out the handgun and screams her boyfriend's name, "MICHEAL!" He jumps out the bed to see her standing with the barrel to her head. He yells "No" and tells her how much he loves her and that he's sorry. He's crying and moaning. And then she says "SHUT UP!" "Don't do it!" She screams "SHUT UP!" Then the brunette says from the bed. "Don't do it allright, it's my fault-" Then the blonde screams "SHUT THE FUCK UP CUZ YOU'RE NEXT!!" WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM? A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?" FIRST CLASS On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." ELEVATION Walk into an elevator with a puddle of white liquid on the floor. The brunette looks at it and states matter of factly, "it looks like cum". The red head puts her face closer to the puddle breaths in and says quite frankly "it smells like cum". The blonde sticks her finger in it touches it to her tongue and says, "well, it's nobody from this building." ICE FISHING A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!" MOUNTAIN CLIMBING Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes applauded SPACE TRAVEL A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're gonna go at night! Duh!" BLONDE DISTRACTORS Some terrorists captured a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They lined the brunette up against a firing squad and said, "Ready, Aim...." Suddenly the brunette pointed and yelled "TORNADO," and ran away. Then, they put the redhead in front of the firing squad and began, "Ready, Aim..." Then the redhead pointed and yelled, "EARTHQUAKE," and ran away. Finally, they put the blonde in front of the firing squad and said, "Ready, Aim..." and the blonde yelled out "FIRE."