How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. A short story, once I told this joke to a blonde friend of mine. And after I told her the answer she said "Why didn't she just walk around?" It was one of the funniest moments of my life. Why was the blonde starring at the orange juice container? It said "concentrate". What do you call four blondes sitting ear to ear? A wind tunnel. How do you cunfuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her there's a credit card in the corner. If a blonde, brunett and a red-head stood jumped off top of the Empire State building, who whould land first? Well, the red-head and brunett would probably land about the same time, but the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Both are empty from the neck up. If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right. How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? An interpreter. What would a blonde say if you blew in her ear? Oh, thanks for the refill! Why do blondes have more fun? Because they don't know any better. How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer? There's be white-out on the screen and the joy stick's wet. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to put information into a computer once. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off of a cliff. How does a blonde do a High-Five? She smacks herself in the forehead. Why do blondes wear their hair up? To try and catch everything that's over their heads. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle? A dope ring. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. Why do blondes always die before help arrives? They can't dial 911 there's no eleven on a telephone. Why don't blondes eat pickles? Their heads always get stuck in the jar. Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into those little packages. Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes? Toes Go In First. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That's where you wash vegetables. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in a handicapped zone. Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to re-train them. What do you call a zit on a blonde's backside? A brain tumor. What did the blonde call her zebra? Spot. What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common? You often hear about them, but you never see one. Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.? Because they can't spell it. How many blonde jokes are there? None, they're all true. What does a blonde who has dyed her hair brown have? Artificial intelligence. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes. How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof? Tell her that the drinks are on the house. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. What's a blonde's favorite T-shirt slogan? I'm a natural blonde, please speak slowly. What's the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes. Why did the blonde freeze in the winter? Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't get the bottles into the typewriter. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? With a tire gauge. How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear. What did the blonde yell when she saw the car accident? Oh, I'll go and call 911, what's the number? What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech? A blonde driving through a flashing red light. What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Collecting her thoughts. What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? An air mattress. What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever. Why do blondes wear a ponytail? To hide the valve stem. How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook. How do you keep a blonde busy? Give her a pack of M&M's and ask her to alphabetize them. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? 100: 1 to make the batter, and 99 to peel the M&M's. How did the blonde get fird from her job at the M&M's factory? Because she kept eating all of the ones with W's on them. What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory? Proofreading. Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop. What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. What is the mating call of a blonde? I'm soooo drunk! What is the mating call of an ugly blonde? I said, Oh, I'm drunk! What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that @$#&! blonde gone yet? Why do blondes always fail driver's tests? Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat. What would a blonde say if her doctor told her that she was pregnant? Is it mine? What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a date? If you're not in bed by 10 PM, come home! What does a blonde use for birth control? Brown hair-dye. How does a blonde like her eggs? Unfertilized. What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning? 1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home. What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios? Whoa! Donut seeds! What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch? A brunette that told too many blonde jokes (grin). How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She tells you she did. Why is there a dead blonde under your porch? Last year's hide and go seek winner. How do you make a one armed blonde hanging from a tree fall? Wave at her. One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them. Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said, You know, "those look like deer tracks." The other blonde said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks." They were still arguing about it when a train hit them. A blonde woman was very proud of herself for finishing her jigsaw puzzle in only two months; after all, the box said 2-5 years. One day, two blondes were driving to Disneyland. As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said, Disneyland Left. So they turned around and went home. A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were all walking down the street. All of a sudden, they saw a $10 bill lying on the ground. Luckily for the dumb blonde, she was able to get to the money first, her friends didn't exist. Blondes are too biased. It's always, Buy us this, buy us that! I once knew a suicidal blonde, she dyed by her own hands. A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into: six or twelve. "Oh, goodness, six please," said the blonde. "I don't think I could ever eat twelve. One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie." The blonde looked up and said, "Where?" On a hot summer day, an angry blonde woman was brought into the hospital with severe burns on her mouth and lips. When the doctors asked her what had happened, she said that she had caught her boyfriend with another woman, so she had tried to retaliate by blowing his car up. A blonde woman became very depressed when she looked at her driver's license and saw that she had an F in sex. What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A blowjob with handles. What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs. What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab? You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab. How do you give a blonde more headroom? Adjust the steering wheel. Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel? She was trying to blow the horn. Why does a blonde wear panties? To keep her ankles warm. What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team? The blonde has the higher sperm count. How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex? Opens the car door. What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? Because they can't even keep two calves together! What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? Nothing. They've never met. Why is a blonde like a turtle? They are both fucked when they're on their back. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme. What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes? At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts. What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? She peed on her corn flakes. What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him? "That's funny, you don't feel Jewish." What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? She turned it over and used the other side. What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde. Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses? Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? With a tire gauge! How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant How can you tell if a blonde has had a good night? Her undies will stick to the wall. How can you tell that a fax is from a Blonde? There's a stamp on it. How do you confuse a blond? You don't, they're born that way. Why don't blondes talk during sex? Because their moms told them to never talk to strangers BLONDE INVENTIONS (contributed by ARTEM) 1) Screen doors for submarines. 2) Waterproof towels. 3) Glass Hammer 4) Dictionary Index 5) Pedal-powered wheelchair 6) Do-it-yourself road map 7) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses 8) Inflatable dart board Why do Blondes smile at lighting? Cause they think there getting there picture taken What do blondes put behind their ears to make themselves more attractive? Their ankles