There's a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and an English guy driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Irish fella manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, the Irishman pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Paddy Powers Irish Whiskey. He says to the English fella, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irish fella and says, "Your turn!" The Irish fella twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up." Subject: FW: smart dog A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "Why, that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?'" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son-of-a-bitch!" *********************************** One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... Could I see your drivers license...?" "...License...???" replied the blonde, instantly revealing that she was dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer radioed the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes," replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration, and dropped his pants as the dispatcher said. The blonde looked down and sighed, "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......" ******************************************************************* HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?" HER: "Because you're never home when it happens." ********************************** One morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful ... I had tennis elbow once." ************************************ GROOM: "Am I the first man to sleep with you?" BRIDE: "You will be, if you doze off." *********************************** A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. the accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number and asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks. "No, no, no. That will never work. Let's try to rephrase that." "OK," the woman says, "I'm a prostitute." "That's no good, either. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year." ****************************** TAX TIP: The only thing that you don't have to pay income taxes on this year is your pecker. That's because 75 percent of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 5 percent of the time, it is pissed off; 10 percent of the time, it is hard up; and the last 10 percent winds up in the hole. On top of everything, it has two dependents that are nuts. ******************************** Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!" The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it." "Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!" ************************************* A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to burst. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." ************************************** There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored a root. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a root? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says "I'm willing, let's go" They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for the bedroom. He's loving the sex, and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman, maybe she's a virgin. After the whole performance, he rolls off of her and says "Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks" Surprised, she says "If I had of known you were actually going to get a boner then I would have taken my stockings off!!" ******************************** The president of Chase Manhattan Bank, after being humiliated by an old woman, decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard about how fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man. The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright. After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara. The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman "I cut. I cut." ********************************* Three guys were walking in the desert, and they found a genie. The genie told them that he will grand a wish to each one of them. The first guy wished for a Ferrari and got it. The second guy wished for a mansion and got it. The third guy wished for his dick to touch the ground. So the genie cut off his legs. ********************************* What did one gay sperm say to the other? - I can't find my way through all this shit. ********************************** Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! Okay, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?" ********************************** A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged" The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock" This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan." ****************************************** A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. MAN #1: "Where are you from?" MAN #2: "I'm from Ireland." #1: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to Ireland." #2: "Certainly." #1: "Where in Ireland are you from?" #2: "Dublin." #1: "Really! I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin." #2: "Of course." #1: "What school did you go to?" #2: "Saint Mary's. I graduated in '62." #1: "This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," is the reply. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." ******************************** A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." ********************************** Q: What's the textbook definition of eternity? A: Four blondes at a four-way stop. *********************************** BUMPER STICKER: Don't take life so seriously ... It's not permanent. *********************************** *************************************** A blonde walks up to a salesman and says, "I want to buy this TV." He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." She goes for a complete make-over. She gets a haircut and new hair color. She also buys a new outfit, and puts on big sunglasses. She waits a few days and then returns to the appliance store, walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy this TV." He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." She says, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" He says, "Because that's a microwave." ********************************** A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!" *************************************** For the first time in, oh.. a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces, when she was downloaded, er.. born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help. 3. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which proceeded them. 4. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 5. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 6. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 7. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work. ************************************** An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." Ø ************************************************************** Johnny's Little Red Fire Engine A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren." ************************************************************** David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" *************************************************************** ======================================================================== ================================ A homeless man walked into a bar, and asked the bartender how much a drink cost. The bartender told him the drinks were $2.50, but asked the homeless man if he had any money to pay for it. The homeless man said "No, but I have something that will absolutely amaze you. If I can, will that pay for my drink?" The bartender said, "Look Buddy, I've seen just about everything, but if you can amaze me, I'll give you a drink." The homeless man opened up his coat, and took a hamster out of the inside pocket. The hamster hopped down, ran to the piano, and began to play Gershwin tunes. The bartender was indeed amazed, and gave the man a drink. When the man had finished his drink, he asked the bartender for another. The bartender told him he would give him another drink if he could amaze him with something else. At this, the man opened up another pocket and took out a frog. The frog hopped up on the bar, and began singing the same Gershwin songs the hamster had been playing. At this, the bartender told the homeless man that he could drink for free, the rest of the night. Later on, another customer at the bar approached to homeless man, offering to buy the frog. A deal was struck for $300. After the customer left with the frog, he asked the homeless man why did he part with a million dollar frog. The homeless man replied, "He got the worst of it. The frog can't sing. The hamster is a ventriloquist." & & & & & Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"