A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00 . This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holdiday Inn charges $32.00 . Hilton Hotel charges $37.00 . We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from medicare for a visit to the doctors office. & & & & & Father Murphy was concerned with the decreasing attendance at his Sunday Mass, and decided he should try to spice it up with a few more timely topics. So the next Sunday he startled his audience with the question, "Have anybody here ever seen a ghost ?" Almost a third of the congregation's hands went up. "And how many of you have actually spoken to a ghost?" asked the priest from his pulpit. At this point, only eight hands remained raised. Father Murphy smiled mysteriously. "And how many of you have had sexual relations with a ghost ?" One hand stayed up, and the priest was none too pleased to see that he was now addressing Paddy O'Bryan, the town drunk. "Paddy," he asked gently, "have you actually had sex with a ghost ?" "Oh, no," admitted Paddy with an abashed smile. " I thought you said 'goat.' " An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "Fer fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!" "Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep." All over Paris A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. ************************************************ A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..." FW: Blonde joke A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. P: "Uh ... How's that working?" B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." P. "And why do you think that is?" B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing." ****************************************************** ONE-LINERS * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met * I intend to live forever - so far, so good * I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! * Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... * 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? * If everything seems to be going well, you've overlooked something. * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. * When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? * Energiser Bunny arrested, charged with battery. * I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? * Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. * Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! * OK, so what's the speed of dark? * Black holes are where God divided by zero. * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. * I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. ---------- 1 - If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 2 - If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation? 3 - Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? 4 - What's another word for synonym? 5 - Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice".. 6 - When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 7 - When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 8 - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 9 - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 10 - Why do they report power outages on TV? 11 - What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating endangered plant? 12 - Is it possible to be totally partial? 13 - If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14 - Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk? 15 - Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16 - If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? 17 - If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 18 - If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? 19 - If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? 20 - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 21 - Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 22 - If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 23 - Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 24 - If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? ****************************************************** WOMEN'S ENGLISH Language of the Sexes Yes No No Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. (The following answers to the question: "What's wrong?"): The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole Men's English you. "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. Subject: FW: The farmers dog A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?" Subject: FW: JET FUEL A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in a hanger in Atlanta Airport; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz. "So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's hisbuddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says"No that jet fuel is great stuff- no hangover - we ought to do this more often" "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "What??" "Did you FART yet??" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix. If you want more just let me know, there's far more where these came from. {:o)