__________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. 'Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!' _____________________________________________________________________ One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'" One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas" Xmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!" _____________________________________________________________________ One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking." The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." _____________________________________________________________________ One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'. Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things. She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple". "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead. "Butterfly." "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie would say. "Caterpillar." "Great job, Billy!" She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ." Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!" _____________________________________________________________________ One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." _____________________________________________________________________A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed." _____________________________________________________________________ Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were. "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry. "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said. "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd." _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?" Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy." So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?" Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?" Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!" _____________________________________________________________________Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Dad, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" explained her father. "Is that a Daddy Long-legs spider on top, Dad?" "Yes, dear." "Oh, so one's a Daddy Long-legs and the other one is a Mommy Long-legs?" "Well, no dear, actually both of them are Daddy Long-legs," explained her father. Lucy thought for a moment, then suddenly stomped on the two spiders with both feet. With a stern look, Lucy exclaimed, "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in this garden!" Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replied, "The stork brings them." Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks? _____________________________________________________________________ I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier. As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have." "Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing." "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your name?" "Sally." "What a nice name. And what is your dog's name Sally?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?" "Because he likes to fuck pigs!" _____________________________________________________________________ A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! _____________________________________________________________________ Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something." Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home." When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job." _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps and his 17 year old sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?" Johnny looks up, stares all bug eyed and replies, "That's a mean motherfucker sis!" Sis asked, "Why do you think he's mean?" Johnny said, "Just look at him sis, he's got blood in one eye and shit in the other!" _____________________________________________________________________ The teacher looks out the window and points to a bank, and asks the class what kind of building it is. Little Johnny, always first in, shoots his hand up and shouts "It's a brothel." "No", the teacher says, "it's a bank." The next day the teacher looks out the window and points at a bridge, and asks the class what kind of structure it is. Little Johnny again shouts out "It's a brothel." " No", says the teacher, "it's a bridge." The next day the teacher rounds up the girls in the class and explains to them that she's sick of Little Johnny's rude comments and the next time he shouts out anything rude, they all must get up and walk out of the classroom. The teacher looks out the window and points to a hospital and asks the class what kind of building it is. Without any hesitation Little Johnny shouts "It's a brothel." With that, all the girls get up and proceed to walk out of the classroom. Little Johnny screams "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SLUTS GOING?? IT'S NOT EVEN OPEN YET!!" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," Johnny protested. "Sure they do," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Steven Kelley came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Steven Kelley then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" _____________________________________________________________________ A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" _____________________________________________________________________ A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny wailed, bursting into tears. Confused, Pop asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh, Pop," Johnny sobbed, "you told me when I was six that there was no Santa Claus. You told me when I was seven that there was no Easter Bunny. You told me when I was eight that there was no Tooth Fairy. Now you're gonna tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, and I'll have nothing left to believe in!" _____________________________________________________________________ A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping. "Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything." "Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything." "We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day." "Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked. "Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed." _____________________________________________________________________ "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." She then goes around the room asking each child. Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey." Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Clair." Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano." _____________________________________________________________________ One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!" _____________________________________________________________________ A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, "Damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, "Not even when it's all fucked up?!" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter." "That's right," she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?" _____________________________________________________________________ Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!" _____________________________________________________________________ The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer. The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana." The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word." The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo-choo." The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word." Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book. "What book did you read?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." _____________________________________________________________________