Peek-a-Boo:
Josh of the Damned, #2
by Andrea Speed
Riptide Publishing
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of
the author s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or
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Peek-a-Boo ( Josh of the Damned, #2)
Copyright © 2011 by Andrea Speed
Cover Art by Jordan Taylor, http://jordantaylorbooks.com
Cover Photo: Copyright Simon Lee, http://bit.ly/uQWDjd, made available under a
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Ebook ISBN: 978-1-937551-16-2
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January, 2012
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About Peek-a-Boo:
Josh of the Damned, #2
As night-shift clerk at the go-to Quik-Mart for monsters with the
munchies, Josh Caplan believes he s seen it all. Battling lizard men,
werewolves chasing cars in the parking lot . . . nothing fazes Josh
anymore.
Or so he thinks, at least, until a yeti with poor communication skills
drops a dead skunk on the checkout counter. Josh can t figure what
a living, breathing shag carpet wants with him, or why it won t leave
him alone no matter how hard he ignores it. But hey, at least it seems
harmless . . . if perhaps a little slow on the draw.
But Sasquatch is plenty fast when two of Josh s human customers try
to out-monster the monsters. Times are strange when creatures from
the hell portal save the day, but in the protective hands of a lovesick
yeti and a sexy vampire boyfriend, Josh realizes that maybe his new
normal isn t so bad after all.
Don t say I never dedicated anything to you, Charlie!
Also, thank you, Rachel.
Peek-a-Boo:
Josh of the Damned, #2
by Andrea Speed
osh s first impulse was to scream, but he bit his bottom lip instead.
JIt seemed like a slightly less girly response to the bloody animal
corpse on the counter.  Um . . . yeah. He pointed up at the sign above
the cash register while looking up at the seven-foot-tall monster in
front of his check stand. It was covered head to foot in shaggy white
hair, with two dark holes for eyes peering out from the fur, and a
black-lipped mouth full of jagged ivory fangs. It was oddly adorable
and oddly frightening at the same time, though it smelled like a wet
yak that had been frolicking in a pool of Axe.
The sign on the wall behind him read American dollars only.
It said it in English, Spanish, what might have been Chinese, and
several languages that looked like graffiti, a child s scribbling, and
precisely-thrown monkey poo. In fact, Josh was fairly certain Mr.
Kwon had put up that sign solely to fuck with him. But now that
Albino Bigfoot had slapped a dead skunk on the counter, he didn t
know what to think.
Josh shook his head, and his stomach roiled as he caught the
stench of dead animal mixed with the weirdly sweet stink of skunk
musk.  We don t accept that. That s not currency to us.
The mop monster shook its head, mimicking Josh s movements.
Damn it! He never knew if any of these monsters understood him.
Weren t they supposed to be, like, missing links or something?
Shouldn t communication be easier? Josh pointed at the dead skunk,
and wondered if he was gonna be able to keep from barfing. If he
threw up, would Bigfoot throw up too?  No. That s not good here.
We only take cash.
Sasquatch pointed at the skunk like Josh was doing, shaking
its head and making little grunting noises that might have been an
attempt at mimicking his words. He just wasn t getting through to
the walking shag carpet, was he?  Okay, we ll take credit cards. Hell,
I ll settle for a geode if you ve got it, but I don t want roadkill. Okay?
Get it out of here. He began making shoving movements with his
hands, which the ambulatory area rug simply mirrored. Christ on a
pogo stick, it was like talking to his one-year-old cousin.
Josh looked around behind the counter and found the broom,
which he used to push the corpse off the checkout counter. Not
his silver werewolf broom, just the everyday kind he used to sweep
up after lizard guys who couldn t navigate the cereal aisle without
knocking the Cheerios off with their tails.
The rug monster caught the corpse before it hit the floor and
tried to put it back, but Josh shooed him off with the broom.  Take
it outside! He pointed vehemently at the door, and finally Shaggy
seemed to get it, stomping off outside and carrying its carrion with
it.
The skunk left a blood smear on the counter, as well as that
lingering bad smell, so Josh headed to the cleaning products aisle.
Yeah, he wasn t supposed to use on-shelf merchandise, but some
stinks needed extra help.
He found the super heavy-duty stuff, and grabbed a roll of paper
towels on his way back to the counter. Mr. Kwon could take it out
of his check if he wanted to. Frankly, Josh deserved a raise for all
the bullshit he put up with. There weren t exactly a whole bunch of
people beating down the door to become the night shift worker at
this Quik-Mart. Nobody except Josh wanted the job.
Still, it wasn t all bad. Yeah, you had to deal with weird shit like
Chewbacca s distant cousin trying to use a dead animal as currency,
but the monsters were really no different than your average drunken
weirdo, and there were good parts to the job, too. Like Colin, Josh s
sort-of boyfriend. He was, to date, the hottest monster who d ever
walked out of the portal, but there could be more. Josh was kind of
hoping for more good things.
Josh sprayed down the counter, continuing to clean it long after
the blood was gone. The chime of the doors made him look up, yet
all he saw was the rug monster peeking in at him with the black holes
of its eyes. It pulled back then, and within a second, peeked in again,
then did it all over. Again, Josh was reminded of his one-year-old
cousin, this time playing peek-a-boo.
He scowled at it, fairly sure it wouldn t interpret his facial
expression any better than Josh could interpret its expressions . . . not
that he could see them under the fur.  You re not bringing that skunk
back in here. Don t even think about it!
There was no acknowledgment that Josh had even spoken. The
yeti just kept doing the peek-a-boo thing, so Josh decided to ignore
it. But he looked up when he heard a gravelly gargle, and saw a female
zombie staggering in. She couldn t quite turn her head zombies had
real problems with just about every kind of fast movement you could
name, and that was setting aside the constant problem of bits falling
off. Her moan and her one good eye rolling in the rug monster s
direction told him all he needed to know.  Tell me about it. Can a
yeti be developmentally disabled? Or is he, like, a kid? Is that a baby
sasquatch?
The zombie only moaned as she shambled to the freezer case. Of
course zombies couldn t talk. But he still felt like he had more of a
chance for conversation with them than with the rug monster. At
least they used to be human.
Josh had put away the cleanser and tucked the half-used roll of
paper towels behind the counter by the time the zombie staggered
up with her frozen burritos. It looked like the sasquatch had finally
stopped playing games. Good! Josh never knew how to deal with
monsters that could theoretically use his intestines as dental floss. Oh
sure, he could say his boyfriend was a vampire, but as far as he knew,
yetis could eat vamps and crap them out as well as any human being.
As the zombie shuffled out, Josh looked through his small stack
of thrift shop CDs, all picked up for a quarter or less, and all left here
for work-time doldrums. He put on a Soundgarden CD and the
crunchy guitars washed over him as he plucked a cheesy tabloid from
the racks and started reading. He had no idea there were so many
space aliens in Hollywood, although it would explain the success of
Michael Bay.
He was about to raid the freezer case for an ice cream bar when
the door chime sounded and the sasquatch returned. This time it
stomped up to the counter and slapped a rotted log on it. It took
Josh a moment to recognize it as a piece of wood and not a large and
unfortunately-shaped shit. The large gray toadstools growing out of
the far end were a big clue. It wasn t as bad as the skunk, but it reeked
of stagnant pond water.
 Dude! he exclaimed, equally appalled and frustrated.  You
can t just clean out your fridge and bring me the leftovers. This still
isn t cash. He paused, studying those grotesque toadstools. Those
were earthly, right?  Although there s these hippies who come in who
would probably buy those  shrooms from you.
The rug monster just stared at him blankly, letting out little noises
that might have been mimics of his speech, or maybe burping. Wasn t
it just his luck to get stuck with the Homer Simpson of monsters?
Josh picked up the broom and used it to motion to the log and then
the door.  Take it out with the skunk. You get me?
It burped and picked up the log, which shed clumps of bark
like rotted zombie skin on the counter, before Shaggy turned and
tromped out of the store. Josh wondered if he could get wi-fi in here
tonight so he could see if there was some kind of sasquatch-be-gone
he could purchase, or make up out of a bag of kitty litter and some
Pringles or something. He d try anything once. Okay, maybe not
fried pickles, but you had to draw the line somewhere.
He got out his phone, and tried and failed to get a good signal,
but he d pretty much expected that would happen. The hell portal
supposedly screwed up just about everything electrical, although the
cash register worked fine. So he cleaned off the counter again and
started composing a speech in his head, because he was definitely
asking Mr. Kwon for a raise. This was nuts. There was nothing about
crazy sasquatches in his employment agreement.
About fifteen minutes later, a normal human and his friend walked
into the store, and Josh was relieved it wasn t the damn sasquatch
again, or a lizard man high on toilet cleanser. He couldn t really see
the face of the first guy, as he had his hood up, but the second one was
kind of cute in a gawky way. Josh smiled, and the gawky guy smiled
back.
 Empty the fucking register! Hoodie Guy said, displaying a
handgun and pointing it aggressively at Josh.
He was so surprised it seemed unreal for a moment. Then Gawky
Guy whipped out a gun as well, and they both came up to the counter,
waving their guns in his face. So, real then.
Holy shit.  Whoa! Guys, this isn t a good idea 
 Shut the fuck up and give us the cash! Hoodie exclaimed,
waving his gun again. What was that supposed to accomplish,
exactly? Maybe it made him feel more manly.
Josh opened the cash register with shaking hands, wondering
how he could stall them until Colin came by. He was supposed to
drop by for Josh s  lunch break, which took up most of the 3:30 to
4:30 period when the store was at its deadest. No pun intended. But
there was no way in hell he could stall for an hour.
 This isn t smart, you know, Josh said, his heart pounding so fast
and loud in his ears he couldn t believe these guys didn t hear it as
well.  There s cameras all over the place.
Hoodie Guy backhanded him with the butt of his gun. He kind
of whiffed the shot, so it only clipped Josh s chin, but that was enough.
The pain in his jaw was explosive and made him reel backward,
grabbing his face as his teeth smashed together. Hoodie reached into
the cash register and grabbed a fistful of cash as Gawky Guy grabbed
some beef jerky and stuffed it in his pocket. Cheap bastard. How had
Josh ever thought he was cute?
The door chime sounded, and they all looked to see the sasquatch
standing at the entrance.
It was kind of hard to tell who was more confused: the robbers or
the rug monster. The three of them just stared at each other while Josh
looked on, rubbing his jaw and wondering what was going to happen
next. Was there any scenario where he wasn t killed by crossfire or
torn to pieces? How could he die like this? It seemed really stupid.
If he had a choice, he d have picked zombie attack over robbery. At
least it was cooler.
He heard a strange noise, like a car with no muffler revving in the
parking lot. He realized it was just the rug monster. Maybe a growl,
but with extra bass. If Josh hadn t been ready to shit his pants while
passing out before, this would have pushed him over the edge.
Finally, Gawky Guy asked,  Is it Comic-Con already?
Hoodie swung his gun around and aimed it squarely at the rug
monster.  Get the fuck out!
Maybe it did understand English, because it opened its mouth,
revealing a gaping maw you could easily fit a car tire into, and roared
loud and deep enough to shake the glass in the windows.
Not yet understanding they were dealing with an actual monster
and not a guy in a really great costume, the two robbers opened fire
on the sasquatch. But the bullets seemed to have no effect. The rug
monster was a white blur, moving faster than Josh ever would have
thought possible for such a big, ungainly thing.
With one swipe of a huge, bathmat-sized hand, the rug monster
sent Gawky flying down the candy aisle and face first into the freezer
case, which he met with a huge, wet thud. As for Hoodie, the rug
monster grabbed him by the face like his head was a bowling ball
and it could fit all its oversized fingers into the holes. Hoodie was
screaming, or at least he was trying to; it was kind of hard when a
sasquatch had several of its dick-thick fingers crammed in your
mouth. Hoodie hit at it blindly and attempted to kick it, burying his
foot ankle-deep in its furry midsection. His struggles appeared to be
as useless as the bullets.
 Um . . . Josh said. But the rug monster had two fingers plunged
pretty deep into Hoodie s eye sockets, and there was no way that was
good for his health. Still, did Josh really want to save this guy?
It didn t matter, as the rug monster was no longer paying any
attention to him. It stormed down the candy aisle, grabbed the
unconscious Gawky Guy and left the store, carrying the one by the
face and dragging the other out by the hair.  Um, Josh said again,
this time to the closing doors.
Okay, that was scary. He felt like screaming, and shitting his
pants still seemed like an option, but he didn t have a spare pair to
change into, and no one wanted to be the stinky guy on the bus. He
was simply going to have to hold it together. Maybe if he pretended it
was just a fight between lizard guys, it would be easier to handle.
It s not like he could even call the cops. He d been lying about the
cameras; Mr. Kwon had never bought any that worked when the hell
portal was active. So what could he possibly tell the police? These two
guys came in to rob the place, but a sasquatch came in and carried them
off? Without any proof, they d think he was crazy. Or maybe that he d
killed them himself. Especially since his face ached from where he d
been hit, and he was pretty sure he had a bruise. The cops might look
at that suspiciously.  I fell down the stairs only worked as an excuse
if you were in a place with stairs.
So Josh got to work cleaning up. He put the money back in the
drawer, then washed down three Excedrin with a canned latte, hoping
to take the edge off the pain in his jaw. He didn t think it was broken,
and he hadn t lost a tooth either, so in one sense he was lucky.
Plus, the rug monster had been pretty clean in its violence. There
were only a few spatters of blood on the floor and a smear on the
freezer case where Gawky had met it face-first, but that was all Josh
had to clean up. Oh, he did have to pick a bunch of silver disc things
up off the floor. Only when he studied them did he realize they were
compacted bullets. The robbers had hit the rug monster, then, but
the bullets had bounced off like it was made of Kevlar. So sasquatches
were immune to regular bullets? He really needed to start a monster
journal and write all this stuff down in case he needed it someday.
He found a handgun too, but was unsure if it belonged to Gawky
Guy or the Hoodie Guy. Not that it mattered. He wiped the gun
clean and stored it under the counter, hidden behind the silver-coated
broomstick he used to shoo off werewolves who insisted on chasing
cars in the parking lot. It might come in handy sometime.
As soon as he was done cleaning up, he grabbed a frozen burrito
and used it as an ice pack, sitting behind the counter with the brick-
hard frozen food product pressed against the sore spot on his jaw.
When it thawed too much, he could slap a fifty-percent-off sticker
on it; the zombies didn t care. Any burrito was good with them, even
day-old and thrown into the garbage. Zombies weren t picky. Then
again, being already dead probably made you less picky about a lot
of things.
Josh was still sitting there, wondering if he d done the right thing,
when Colin came in. He tossed Josh a sexy smile before his eyes
widened.  Why do I smell blood?
 You smell blood? I thought I cleaned it all up.
Colin s brow furrowed  I also smell gunpowder. What the hell
happened, Josh? Are you hurt?
 A little, he admitted, putting down the burrito. Colin was right
there in front of him in no time flat; Josh never even saw him move
from the doorway. He still wasn t sure if it was super-speed or some
kind of teleportation or something. Hell, maybe vampires could fly
and he was the last to know.
He told Colin all about the attempted robbery, and then had
to backtrack and tell him all about the weird rug monster and its
childish behavior.
Eventually, Colin smirked, and said,  I think it was courting
you.
 What?
 It brought you food. I mean, you don t think of a dead skunk and
poisonous mushrooms as food, but it does. Should I be jealous?
Colin was just trying to be funny, but Josh scowled at him anyway.
It made his jaw hurt.  I don t even know if it s male or female! How
do you tell?
Colin shrugged.  Got me. They all look and smell alike to me.
 Racist.
That made Colin laugh.  I m sure it d say the same about vampires,
if it could talk in a language we understood.
 So what is it gonna do to the robbers?
Colin thought about that a moment, and his lips twisted in a
grimace.  I don t think you want to know.
 What s that mean? Of course I  Josh suddenly put it together
in his head. Colin had said the rug monster ate skunks well, dead
animals and humans were animals too.  Ew! You don t think . . .?
Colin shrugged again, also shaking his head just to confuse him.
 If it liked you, and picked up that those guys hurt you . . . nothing
good is gonna happen to them.
Josh shuddered, and suddenly Colin was on the other side of the
counter, right next to him. Goddamn it! Josh was gonna put a bell on
him if he kept doing that.
 Hey, if I was here, I d probably have eaten them too. Well, their
blood. The zombies could have had the rest. Colin added a smile to
show he was joking, but Josh didn t actually think he was.
 Thanks, I think. But I m not sure I m into this whole instant-
death-penalty thing.
 We re monsters, you know. That s what we do.
Did he have to put it that way? It made him feel silly. Just because
Colin looked like a smoking-hot guy didn t mean he actually was
one, no more than the fact that he looked twenty-three made him
any less than three hundred years old. Different rules applied to all
things that came out of the hell portal.
 Did you know they were impervious to bullets? Josh asked,
trying to change the subject to something slightly more upbeat.
Colin just gave him a lazy, sexy smile, leaning against the counter
like he belonged there.  I m impervious to bullets.
 Yeah, well . . . you re a vampire. It s wooden stakes for you,
right?
 How crude. What does your culture teach you? Colin leaned
in close, and suddenly his frigid hand was shoved down the front of
Josh s pants, sending a cold shock through his body.  Now this is a bit
more my speed.
 Wow, who s being crude now? Damn it, why did Colin have
to be such a sexy beast? Josh knew he should be careful, Colin was
a vampire, but he was so damn hot. Yeah, Josh was playing out of his
league, but when a guy this spectacular wanted to sleep with you,
you didn t say no. Besides, he was pretty sure Colin would never hurt
him.  You know, I ve been through a trauma, and I m hurt.
Colin nibbled gently at a spot below Josh s ear, then licked his
jawline down to where the bruise was throbbing.  I can make the
pain go away.
Josh closed his eyes so Colin wouldn t see him roll them. But
he couldn t hide the smile that made his jaw throb even more.
Still, he knew he d forget all about it soon enough.  You are such a
horndog.
 Would you have me any other way?
Josh wanted to say he d take him any way he could get him,
including trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, but instead he kissed
him, letting Colin s cold lips numb his.
One of these nights he was going to get used to his weird new
life. But until then, he was just going to have to roll with it, and hope
it didn t kill him.
Also by Andrea Speed
Pretty Monsters ( Josh of the Damned, #1)
Infected: Prey
Infected: Bloodlines
Infected: Life After Death
Infected: Freefall
The Little Death
Alone (A story in the Making Contact anthology)
About the Author
Andrea Speed was born looking for trouble in some hot month
without an R in it. While succeeding in finding Trouble, she has also
been found by its twin brother, Clean Up, and is now on the run,
wanted for the murder of a mop and a really cute, innocent bucket
that was only one day away from retirement. (I was framed, I tell
you framed!) In her spare time, she arms lemurs in preparation for
the upcoming war against the Mole Men. Viva la revolution!
To learn more about Andrea, please visit www.andreaspeed.com.