Pretty Monsters:
Josh of the Damned, #1
by Andrea Speed
Riptide Publishing
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Hillsborough, NJ 08844
http://www.riptidepublishing.com
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product
of the author s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons,
living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Pretty Monsters: Josh of the Damned, #1
Copyright © 2011 by Andrea Speed
Cover Art by Jordan Taylor, www.jordantaylorbooks.com
Editors: Rachel Haimowitz and Aleksandr Voinov
Layout: L.C. Chase
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ISBN: 978-1-937551-03-2
Printed in the United States of America
First edition
October, 2011
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About Pretty Monsters:
Josh of the Damned, #1
Josh knew the night shift at the Quik-Mart would be full of freaks
and geeks and that was before the hell portal opened in the parking
lot. Still, he likes to think he can roll with things. Sure, the zombies
make a mess sometimes, but at least they never reach for anything
more threatening than frozen burritos.
Besides, it s not all lizard-monsters and the walking dead. There s also
the mysterious hottie with the sly red lips and a taste for sweets.
Josh has had the hots for Hot Guy since the moment he laid eyes
on him, and it seems Hot Guy might be sweet on Josh too. Now if
only Josh could figure out whether that s a good thing, a bad thing,
or something in between. After all, with a hell vortex just a stone s
throw away, Josh has learned to take nothing at face value even if
it s a very, very pretty face.
To night shift workers everywhere. Also, Bruce Campbell,
because the fight with his own hand in Evil Dead 2
was pretty damn awesome.
Pretty Monsters:
Josh of the Damned, #1
by Andrea Speed
he first time the hell vortex opened in the Quick-Mart parking
lot, Josh very seriously considered quitting his job. But all that
Tcame out of it was a lizard guy, and all it did was amble inside,
buy a bag of chips, and leave. All the monsters, while ugly, seemed
nicer than his late-night human customers, and Mr. Kwon offered
him hazard pay, so he stayed on.
Besides, it wasn t all bad on the night shift. For instance, right
now he was looking forward to the return of Hot Guy.
Of course it was a super hot night, still eighty degrees around
midnight, and the air conditioner had to pick now to die. Josh peeled
off his polyester work smock and put his nametag on his t-shirt,
hoping Mr. Kwon wouldn t suddenly show up and demand he put it
back on. It breathed like a trash bag.
His latest customer was an obviously stoned guy buying a
wheelbarrow full of snacks. Not only were his eyes glassy and red, but
he reeked of pot smoke, making Josh wonder if he d spilled the bong
water. Pot Guy left and someone else came in. Josh leaned over the
checkout counter, hopeful, but it wasn t Hot Guy, just a lizard guy.
 Guy in a generic, gender free sense of the word, of course,
because Josh had no idea how to tell if they were male or female.
Maybe they didn t even have genders. He didn t know how to ask
without being a rude bastard, and there was a chance he wouldn t
understand the answer anyway.
The lizard guys were all tall, and this one was no exception, at
least six foot five and so broad across the shoulders it could barely fit
in the aisle. They had all your basic equipment two arms, two legs,
a recognizable face but their mouths were huge, they had no nose,
and their scaled skin ranged in color from moss green to primer gray.
This one was a kind of greenish-gray, like his roommate that time he
got food poisoning.
Like all lizard guys, this one had a weird gait because its feet were
huge, with six long toes that almost looked like fingers . . . which was
extra weird because their hands were always small and had just four
stubby fingers. They looked like they d been put together by a five
year old with a bad sense of proportion.
They also made such a racket you could hear them all the way
from the back room. It reminded him of his first Craigslist roommate,
Barry, who couldn t do anything, even open the damn curtains,
without making several decibels of needless noise. For the brief time
they d shared a place, Josh had been convinced Barry was hiding a
megaphone to fart into just for effect.
Thwak-thwak-thwak echoed in the shop as Lizard Guy waddle-
stomped down the aisle, making a beeline for the Fritos display. It
grabbed two bags and turned back, waddle-stomping to the register.
Josh tried on a friendly smile, but he still hadn t figured out how
to read the expressions on lizard-guy faces. They were subtle to the
point of invisible, and the fact that they had had no teeth made it
extra hard to gauge whether they were smiling or snarling.
Lizard Guy put the chips on the counter, and Josh dutifully rang
them up.  Hot enough for you? he asked, just making conversation.
Lizard Guy nodded its head from side to side, then made a
gargling noise as it laid a fistful of ones on the counter. As far as Josh
could figure out, it had gargled,  I d like it hotter. Were the lizard
guys cold blooded?
He attempted to give it change back, but it waved it away with
its stubby hand, gathered up the chips, and waddle-stomped toward
the door. The monsters didn t seem to like change; none of them ever
took it. Were they were tipping him? Maybe they couldn t have metal
in their dimension. Was there some kind of reverse tooth fairy that
took all their coins? Come to think of it, where were they getting
human money?
Lizard Guy wandered off, and Josh was left all alone in the
sweltering store with just the hums and clunks of the freezers to keep
him company. He fiddled with the sound system until he managed to
put on a radio station, and let his mind wander back to Hot Guy.
Josh didn t know Hot Guy s name or story, only that he seemed
sober and had a sweet tooth. Also that he was, well, hot. Tall and lean,
with a sculpted body hidden beneath casually sexy clothes that made
him that much hotter. Light brown hair that was kind of shaggy and
occasionally showed blond streaks beneath the unforgiving lights.
Dark, deep set eyes that were always just a little bit sleepy, but not
in an  I just woke up sort of way. No, they were sleepy in a satisfied,
post-coital sort of way, and combined with his rugged jaw and sly red
lips, Josh found it hard not to jump over the counter and screw his
brains out right there.
But of course he didn t. He d just ring up Hot Guy s peanut
butter cups with significant eye contact and a friendly smile. Hot
Guy always returned the look and the smile, but never said anything
except,  Thanks.
And speaking of Hot Guy, here he was coming through the front
door now, wearing casually hot clothes and looking post-sex edible.
This time he bought a Snickers and a pack of Ho-Hos. More eye
contact, enough to see they were kind of a honeyed brown, like some
spiced foreign tea.
Josh was tempted to say something this time, except Mr. Kwon
picked this moment to show up, and Josh had no idea if there was a
flirting-at-work policy. So he just pretended to be super friendly, but
not inappropriately so. Hot Guy smirked at him in a way that made
his eyes sparkle like diamonds, but Josh wasn t sure if he was flirting
back at him, or just amused by his sudden demureness in front of the
boss. He quietly vowed that if Hot Guy came back again, he d make
his move.
Hot Guy did come back again later that night, in fact now
wearing old jeans that barely clung to his hips and a royal blue tank
top tight enough to show off his flat stomach and great pecs. Josh
wanted to tackle him in the candy aisle, but he probably wouldn t
appreciate it.
Hot Guy looked up at the ceiling and pointed as he turned
toward Josh.  The Clash?
 Yeah. Josh really hoped he sounded casual and not at all like
he was about to suffer a heart attack. The thought of Hot Guy giving
him CPR nearly made him, well, need CPR. Or at least a jump.
Hot Guy chuckled in an absurdly hot manner.  That brings back
memories. Then he picked up a Hershey bar, and it must have been
slightly melted, as he made a face and put it back.  AC out?
 Yeah, died tonight. Okay, here was an opening to make a move.
 I don t suppose you re a repairman, huh?
Hot Guy chuckled again and shook his head.  No,  fraid not.
 Too bad. Josh stood there behind the counter, feeling like an
asshole. What to do next? Just suddenly blurting out  Please fuck me
probably wouldn t work at all. Well, the guy had a sweet tooth, right?
Work that angle.  Hey, uh, we just got in some of these new dark
chocolate caramel things. Have you tried those yet?
Hot Guy looked at him curiously.  No, I don t think so.
Josh left his position at the counter and walked down the candy
aisle, heart beating in his throat. He hoped Hot Guy didn t notice it,
because it really felt noticeable.  Yeah, they re Canadian or something.
They re really good. Josh found the box on the shelf and took one
of the candy bars out. It felt a little soft beneath the wrapper, but
hopefully Hot Guy wouldn t notice.
This close, Hot Guy was even hotter, which seemed grossly unfair.
He also smelled faintly of something intriguing, like sandalwood or
old parchment.
Hot Guy looked at his name tag and gave him a sexy half smile.
 You re new here, aren t you Josh?
 Um, yeah, just started two weeks ago.
 Cool. I m Colin.
 Hey. Again, the urge to ask if he wanted to fuck him almost
overwhelmed Josh. Instead, he gave himself busywork: he put the
candy bar back, and pretended to straighten up boxes that weren t at
all misaligned.  So, uh, you work the night shift, huh?
 Yep. I love it. I was kinda always a night owl, you know?
Josh nodded, feeling like an idiot. His big move was to push a
candy bar? God, he was such a feeb! No wonder he never got laid.
 Um, yeah, me too. He realized belatedly he was still nodding, and
stopped.
Colin was still looking at him, his toasted honey eyes almost
sparkling with mirth. He suddenly touched Josh s forehead, wiping
away sweat.  You re boiling, aren t you?
 Uh, yeah, Josh agreed, wondering if his hard-on was visible in
these pants. He would ve checked, but that would just draw attention
to it. Instead, he walked back to the cold case, wondering if he could
wedge himself into the freezer beside the block ice.  If I knew it was
gonna be this bad tonight, I d have worn shorts.
 I know how to cool you off, Colin said.
No, no you don t. Heat me up? Yes. But cool me off ? Never.
Josh opened the freezer door and stood in the cool breeze, and
Colin came up and joined him, shoulder pressing to Josh s as he
reached inside and opened a bag of crushed ice.  Go ahead and charge
me for it, Colin said, selecting a single ice cube.
What was he planning to do with that? Josh s mind went to some
very weird places, heart fluttering in excitement and fear. This was
kind of insane, wasn t it? But this close, he could faintly smell Hot
Guy s shampoo, see the slight shadow of stubble along his jaw, and
the urge to lick it was almost overwhelming. Looked like sense wasn t
going to win tonight.
Colin pressed the ice cube to the back of Josh s neck and a
convulsive shudder shot through his body, the cold traveling down
his spine and prickling his skin with goosebumps.
 See? Colin asked.
 Yeah, Josh murmured , wondering how he could be cold and
hard at the same time. Somehow he was managing. He forced himself
to step back and close the freezer door as drops of cold water began
to drip down his spine.
Colin was still looking at him, smiling and chuckling a little
under his breath.  Too cold?
 No, just . . . a little messy, he said. He barely managed even that
much; something about Colin just struck him dumb.
The way Colin s eyes seemed to stare right through him, his lips
curving up in a wolfish grin, made Josh think Colin had figured that
out.  You know, I think you re cute too, Colin said.
Josh was pretty sure he hadn t heard that. He was just hoping he d
heard that, right? There was no way Colin had actually said that. He
stared at Colin, who popped the ice cube in his mouth, grinning like
this was the world s best joke. Except obviously it wasn t, because he
grabbed Josh s face and pulled him in for a kiss, his lips slick and cold,
the ice cube making his tongue a frigid, odd thing in his mouth.
Once Josh got over his initial shock and realized this was
happening, he settled into the kiss, slipping his arms around Colin s
deliciously firm body. Colin pushed him against the freezer door,
leaning into him, letting him feel how hard he was as he slid his hands
underneath Josh s shirt. Josh wondered briefly if he d just fallen asleep
waiting for Hot Guy and was currently dreaming this, slumped at the
counter while the drunken regulars shoplifted smokes.
But he d never had a dream so vivid, and he could feel the dregs
of the ice cube melting on his tongue, dripping down the back of his
throat. This was real and this was happening.
Colin rucked Josh s t-shirt up to his armpits, and the glass of
the freezer door stuck to his back.  Why don t you show me the
storeroom? Colin suggested, licking his lips.
Before Josh could say Yes please, the brass bell above the door
jingled. Colin quickly jumped back as Josh pulled down his shirt
and cleared his throat, wondering if he could even walk. If it was Mr.
Kwon again, he was so screwed and not in a good way.
Thankfully, it was just a zombie. A pretty degraded one, actually,
with a few remnants of a shirt clinging to its rotted frame and clumps
of hair springing from its torn scalp like crabgrass. It was also missing
its right foot, which ended in a bony stub that it dragged it across the
floor, leaving a muddy trail on the tile.  Hey, no shoes, no service,
Josh said reflexively.  Next time, put a sock over your stump.
It moaned. That was pretty much a yes. It was also possibly a no,
a maybe, and a fuck you zombies only moaned.
Colin raised an eyebrow at him.  Want me to run him out of
here?
He shook his head.  Zombies are no trouble. They always buy
frozen burritos and leave. He gasped.  Holy shit, does that mean the
beef in frozen burritos is mostly brains?
Colin gave him an uncertain look.  Ugh. I dunno, but I m glad I
don t eat them.
 Yeah, I think I m gonna give those up.
Josh pulled reluctantly away from Colin and went to the counter.
Colin followed, grabbing a couple candy bars on the way. As the
zombie slowly dragged his leg to the freezer section, Josh got behind
the counter and rang Colin up. Colin gave him some dollar bills,
deliberately brushing Josh s hand. His skin was cool and dry and sent
a thrill through Josh s body.
 Should I hang around, Colin asked,  or do you get a break? I
could come back then.
Josh considered that for approximately half a second.  I m not
ever supposed to close. But if a zombie made a mess by the doors that
I just had to clean up, I could probably shut down for ten minutes,
especially around four. It s pretty dead at four. No pun intended.
 Four it is, Colin said, a sparkle in his eyes.  And make it at least
twenty minutes. He scooped up his candy bars and shoved them
in the pocket of his jeans before looking around the store, his eyes
landing on the zombie. It was at the freezer door, staring at the frozen
burritos as if hypnotized by their colorful wrappers. Colin turned
back and took Josh s hand in his, giving it a curiously old-fashioned
kiss on the knuckle.   Til then, my sweet. His eyes flashed gold . . . or
seemed to, anyway. Had they really changed color, or just somehow
reflected headlights from the parking lot?
Colin smiled at him and said,  Don t worry, I don t bite on the
first date. He winked and smiled wider, flashing . . . fangs? Gleaming
white and somehow too big for his mouth. Then they retracted, and
before Josh could say a thing, Colin left, still smiling, as the zombie
began its slow, shuffling drag up the aisle.
There were pretty monsters? Why hadn t anyone told him there
were pretty monsters?
That settled it. He was going to love working here.
Acknowledgments
Thank you Rachel and Aleks.
Other Works
by Andrea Speed
Infected: Prey
Infected: Bloodlines
Infected: Life After Death
The Little Death
About the Author
Andrea Speed was born looking for trouble in some hot month without an R in it.
While succeeding in finding Trouble, she has also been found by its twin brother,
Clean Up, and is now on the run, wanted for the murder of a mop and a really cute,
innocent bucket that was only one day away from retirement. (I was framed, I tell
you - framed!) In her spare time, she arms lemurs in preparation for the upcoming
war against the Mole Men. Viva la revolution!
Where to find Andrea:
Website/blog: http://andreaspeed.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001496290042
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/aspeed
Google+: https://plus.google.com/109420358312270961913/posts