Heroic failures

Fed up with everyone else's apparent obsession with success, Stephen Pile resolved to collect tales of those who have distinguished themselves by doing something especially badly. To this end he formed “Not Terribly Good Club of Great Britain”. Membership depended on one not being terribly good at something and, ideally, downright awful. Inspired by members' tales of disaster and gross inefficiency he compiled “The Book of Heroic Failures” which began with the following dedication:

“To all those who have written terrible books on how to be a success, I dedicate this terrible book on how it's perfectly all right to be incompetent for hours on end, because I ma and so is everyone I know.”

Here are some of Stephen's favourite stories.

The least successful newspaper

Described on billboards as “Britain's most fearless newspaper”, the Commonwealth Sentinel opened on 6 February 1965 and closed on the 7th. Designed to cater for all Commonwealth citizens, the paper was founded by Mr Lionel Burleigh in London. He spent a hectic week collecting the advertisements, writing the stories and seeing the first issue through the press. Then Mr Burleigh received a `phone call from the police.

“Are you anything to do with the Commonwealth Sentinel?” asked a constable…. “Because there are 50.000 of them outside the entrance to Brown's Hotel and they're blocking Albemarle Street.”

“We had forgotten to arrange any distribution,” Mr Burleigh said later, “and they were just dumped outside the hotel where I was staying. To my knowledge we only sold one copy. I still have the shilling in my drawer.” It was sold by Mr Burleigh's daughter to a passer-by. This caused do much excitement that a photograph was taken of the transaction.

The least successful attempt to find the Loch Ness Monster

All attempts to find the Loch Ness Monster have failed. No one has failed more magnificently than the four Hemel Hempstead firemen who in 1975 tried to seduce it.

Believing that feminine wiles would lure the beast from the deep, they built a 30-foot-long [nine metre] papier mâché female monster, equipped with long eyelashes, an outboard motor and a pre-recorded mating call. “Sex solves everything,” said one fireman.

Painted blue and green, the monster then set off in search of romance with two firemen inside steering. They travelled 15 miles [24 kilometres] offering flirtation and mystery, but encountered only sustained hormonal indifference from the deep. There are two possible reasons.

First, the firemen learned that their pre-recorded mating call was that of a bull walrus and so unlikely to interest the Loch Ness beast. Second, the outboard motor developed a fault during the voyage. The monster went into a flat spin, veered off backwards and crashed prostrate across a jetty.

No girl is at her best under these circumstances.

The least successful houseparty holiday

Attracted by the prospect of meeting 30 new people, a London solicitor booked a place on a houseparty holiday for young singles in Austria. When he arrived, he was the only person who had chosen the holiday.

The “Miss Smile” who was miserable

As part of “National Smile Week”, Miss Moya Ann Church was voted Miss National Smile Princess.

Only 25 seconds after the 25-year-old beauty queen took office, she lost her crown.

It was eventually found in a pile of rubbish after an anxious search. Once found, she smiled with relief. This was the only occasion when she smiled during her entire week of office.

Then a jostling bystander spilled coffee over her “Smile” sash and ₤100 dress. Both were ruined. Next day she locked herself out of her house at Weston-Super-Mare. “That was bad enough”, she said, “but on Tuesday my car broke down and, when I left it to `phone the garage, I got a parking ticket. So many things have gone wrong that you have to smile,” she said without smiling.

After her final photographic session she missed her train home.

The worst homing pigeon

This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire, Wales, in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening.

It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box, eleven years later from Brazil. “We had given it up for lost”, its owner said.

Cockney Rhyming Slang

Rhyming slang was first used in the area of east London inhabited by Cockneys - those, tradition has it, who were born within hearing of the church bells at Bow. This private language developed during the 1840s when poor people living in crowded conditions sought to communicate with each other without outsiders - especially the police - understanding what they were saying.

This form of slang replaced a word with a phrase which rhymes with it. Thus money becomes “bees and honey” and talk become “rabbit and pork”. To confuse an interloper even further, the last, and rhyming part of the phrase is often omitted as in “plates” (plates of meat) meaning feet.

Rhyming slang is constantly being added to and up-dated. When Edward Heath became Prime Minister in 1970, his wide smile inspired Cockneys to start using his name as slang for teeth.

In the following passage Cockney phrases replace the following words. Can you identify them?

boots, faces, telephone, sun, look, kids, table, mouth, eyes, pub, daughter, ten-pound note, road, house, row, milk, suit, stairs, believe, hair, wife.

*

The currant bun shone brightly as he left the rub-a-dub in good time and set off down the frog and toads towards the cat and mouse where his soap and water lived. Half closing his mince pies against the glare, he took a quick butcher's hook at his watch - he didn't want to cause a bull and cow by being late.

His whistle and flute had recently been cleaned, he had a new pair of daisy roots and he'd combed his Barnet Fair before leaving, so he looked and felt quite presentable. He was looking forward to seeing his soup and water and her two dustbin lids; they had such angelic little airs and graces you'd never Adam and Eve they were such tearaways! Perhaps he would buy some sweets for them, he mused fondly; fortunately he'd still got a cock and hen in his pocket - that would be more than enough.

When he arrived the dog and bone was ringing (it was his trouble and strife to say that she would be a bit late), the dustbin lids were hurling themselves up and down the apples and pears, and the Cain and Abel in the kitchen was awash with spilt yellow silk. So much for his idyllic picture of family life, he thought ruefully. He opened his north and south to say “Hello”, but no one noticed.

Food for Thought

There are many common expressions in the English language which refer to some kind of food. What would you understand by the following?

2. “You'd better not spill the beans”

3. “She seems full of beans”

4. “It was a piece of cake”

5. “They're selling like hot cakes”

6. “He's such a butter-fingers”

7. “She knows which side her bread is buttered”

8. “It's about as useful as a chocolate teapot”

9. “Oh, hard cheese”

10. “He seemed a bit cheesed off.”

11. “I don't want to play gooseberry”

12. “I've been left with egg on my face'”

13. “It was easy as pie”

Crossword

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Across clues

1 Attractive to look at (9)

6 Dressing poured over food; or impudence (5)

9 Top part - of a shoe perhaps (5)

10 Hung (9)

11 Terrified (10)

12 Smile from ear to ear (4)

14 Women employed to look after young children (7)

15 Barren and totally clean (7)

17 Places for working women to leave their children (7)

19 One must constantly take it to live! (7)

20 Baby sheep - often eaten with mint sauce in Britain (4)

22 Thought about carefully (10)

25 Ordered or led (9)

26 Appertaining to the nose (5)

27 Move edgewise furtively (5)

28 Distributes: especially medicines (9)

Down clues

1 Deceive in a game of cards or be extremely hearty (5)

2 Apparatus for a particular purpose (9)

3 Illumination from a hand-held lamp (10)

4 Fixes securely (7)

5 Uses one's ears (7)

6 A pace of stair (4)

7 Beneath (7)

8 Puts at risk (9)

13 The state of being reliant upon something or someone (10)

14 Chains or beads worn for decoration round the throat (9)

16 Attracts the attention. Hobbies (9)

18 Rebuked (7)

19 In addition to, apart from (7)

21 Acted without dialogue (5)

23 Girls' plaything (5)

24 Delayed, former, dead (4)

Answers

Cockney Rhyming slang

• currant bun sun

• rub-a-dub pub

• frog and toad road

• cat and mouse house

• soap and water daughter

• mince pies eyes

• butcher's hook look (more commonly just butcher's)

• bull and cow row

• whistle and flute suit (more commonly just whistle)

• daisy roots boots (more commonly just daisies)

• Barnet Fair hair (more commonly just Barnet)

• dustbin lids kids

• airs and graces faces

• Adam and Eve believe

• cock and hen literally ten, but is usually applied to a tenner or ten-pound note

• dog and bone telephone

• trouble and strife wife (more commonly just trouble)

• apples and pears stairs (more commonly just apples)

• Cain and Abel table

• yellow silk milk

• north and south mouth

Food for Thought

1. “You'd better not spill the beans” Don't tell anyone.

2. “She seems full of beans” She's got plenty of energy

3. “It was a piece of cake” It was very easy

4. “They're selling like hot cakes” They're in great demand

5. “He's such a butter-fingers” He's always dropping things

6. “She knows which side her bread is buttered” She knows how to behave in her own self-interest

7. “It's about as useful as a chocolate teapot” It's useless

8. “Oh, hard cheese” Bad luck!

9. “He seemed a bit cheesed off.” He's fed up

10. “I don't want to play gooseberry” I don't want to play chaperone or intrude on a pair of lovers.

11. “I've been left with egg on my face'” I've been made to look stupid

12. “It was easy as pie” It was simple

Crossword solution

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Contents A__2__1989__110

Heroic failures

To this end with this intention.

downright thoroughly

billboards large outdoor boards which carry advertisements.

Senteniel a person or thing that watches or stands as if watching. It also means a soldier stationed as a guard to challenge all comers and prevent a surprise attack: to stand sentinel. Synonyms: sentry, guard, watch, lookout

`phone usual abbreviation in speech for telephone

shilling British coin abolished when currency was decimalised in 1971, and replaced with five-pence piece.

Loch Ness Monster a huge amphibious creature believed by some to inhabit the depths of one of the deepest lochs (salt-water lakes) in Scotland.

seduce to win over; attract; entice: a supermarket may seduce customers with special sales. Synonyms: beguile, inveigle, decoy, allure, lure, deceive

feminine wiles female cunning used to attract males

sustained hormonal indifference humorous way of saying that the feminine wiles had absolutely no effect at all on the Monster - his sex hormones were not activated

flat spin literally, spinning horizontally; often used to express agitation [=confusion, excitement, frenzy] or panic

to veer to change direction or turn about or aside; shift, turn, or change from one course, position, inclination, etc., to another: The speaker kept veering from his main topic. The car veered off the road.

prostrated overthrown, overcome, helpless or reduced to helplessness: a country left prostrate by natural disasters;

jetty a pier or structure of stones, piles, or the like, projecting into the sea or other body of water to protect a harbour, deflect the current, etc.

houseparty holiday a holiday when a group of people who don't necessarily know each other share a house, the aim being to make new friends

singles this particular houseparty was only for people who were unattached

sash a long band or scarf worn over one shoulder or around the waist, as by military officers as a part of the uniform, as a decoration, or by women and children for ornament

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