IMG 14022803

Garrison Keillor

Faith at the Speed of Light

L

“Just in tcrms of aUocaiion of time rcsources, religion is not nery efficient. Therc’s o lot morę 1 could be doing on a Sunday moming. "

—William H. Catcs III

Bill Gates was the richest man in America, and afler he łiad gained a good deal of the world, Cod sent him an e-mail:

Beloved Bill: I saw how you allocated your time resources last Sunday morning and was not impressed. Riding a stationary bike? Watching guys on the Men's Channel talk about triglyc-erides and P.S.A. counts? Three words of advice: Lovc thy neighbor. Ever hear what happened to the rich man who stiff-armed the begaar Lazarus? I caused a generał protection fault, and he has been off-line for centuries. Anything you'd like to talk about? 3'm here. Your Creator, God

Bill Cates typed out a reply:

Dear God: Wow. Omniscience. Cool. Out how do I know you're omnipotent too?

Gates

The moment he elicked on Send, the entire Microsoft campus in Rcdmond, Wash., went dark. And tlie darkness was very great. The air condi-tioning shuddered to a halt. He heard his employees keening and wailing over lost data. His office was filled with creeping things and birds of the air. Beads of sweal dripped from his nose. Acrid smells drifted in, the website buming after a multitude of hits by Hittites, and he heard the clatter of hooves: a herd of crazed swine trotted down the hall, lit-tle pink eyes aglow, pagers cltpped lo their ears. On his way out, he touched his nose and found a boil. A leper lay in the lobby begging alms, and when Bill Gates dropped in a eoin. the pow-er went on.

Back in his office. a message on his screen:

B.B.: That was only the screensaver. There is morę where that. cams from. Obey my commandments or a virus could come to pass that would bring the Information age to a shuddering halt. I aić a flood once, and behold, I can do viruses. Once men tried to reach heaven by buildinc a tower, and I macie their formats incompatible.

I could do this again. Or 3 can do lovc und re-demption. I ara, after all, God. P.S. Your move.

The websites were restored. The leper was promoted to generał manager and put in charge of the crazed swine, who, under tlie Americans with Disabilities Aet, had to be kept in their currenl positions. Most of them were vice presidents, though, so it didn’t affect the value of Microsoft stock.

Bill Gates ran tlie word commandment through a database search and found that God had dumped a whole bunch of them

on his Designated Population Group—no graven images, no stealing or coveting, kcep the Seventh Day holy, and also what to eat and stuff-and then, later, to love God and love thy neighbor. Gates wrote:

Dear God: Do I tieed to be thinking ark at this point? Can we talk?

—and suddenly found himself in a chat roorn.

LUCI: I see that Bill Gates, that bug-eyed little weasel, is acting like you uon't exi.st. Want me Lo deal with him? I know peopie in the Justice Department.

THE LORD GOD: No. It takes longer to get smart guys up to speed. But I shall strive with him, and eventually he may get it.

LUCI: The guy is a closed circuit. Let me at him.

THE LORD GOD: Let'S see how it goeth.

BILL GATES: Hey, guys. It's me. The aforemen-

tionea weasel.

But God had signed off.

LUCI: Hey,

Pearly. How'd you like to own the phone company? I can get it for you Wholesale. BILL GATES: Who in heli is this?

The ncxt day Micro-- soft developed Staincd-Glass Windows, the most advanced spiritual software evcr. The user could download a wor-ship expericnce, including Scripture, Wcb-pastors sennon and Iloly Sacraments. in 10 minutes fiat. You knelt at the keyboard and hit all/f7, and out the disk drivc came a liny wbite wafer. Bill Gates e-mailed God a copy of Windows and a notę:

You want to reach peopie? Here's how. Forqet the stone barns with the dandruffy guys in suede shoes droning on about transcenaenco. BTW, I am giving a billion shekels for good works. B.B.

But he got no reply.

The next Sunday moming, Bill Gates went into Stained-Glass Windows, and the Scriptnre rcading was a screechy pas-sage from Jeremiah, and tlie sermon was very anlimoney, anti-growth, antientrepreneurship, and it scrolled on for hours; and when the Confcssion windowopened. Bill elicked twiceon the Pride ieon and tłicn Continue and saw This program hasper-formed an immoralfunction and will be shut down, and in that moment he went blind.

Ile was on his stationary bike, the keyboard on his łap. He did not ery out. He look a dozen deep, cleansing breaths and dismounted and set the keyboard on the floor. He sat down in front of his Computer and switched on Audio and said, “Voice activation.” There were two confirining beeps.

“God,” he said. “Ifs Gates. Make that 5 billion."    ■

148

TIME.JUNEU.1999