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58 CONVERSATION

focus group and also by the strength of her convictions:

... you dont sort of think about religion, and how you feel, as such. You don’t sort of sit there and think,‘Oh I believe in this, and I believe ... ’ until somebody is talking to you, or questions you about it, or it comes up in conversation, and it co mes out, ‘Oh crikey’, you know [laughter] ‘it’s still there!’

As Nicola reflected on her life during the discussion, she dis-covered that her beliefs were still very strong. But this only happened because an environment had been specifically created for her to do this. Most of the time Nicola did not allow herself to think particu-larly deeply about life, although as we have seen she was able to draw upon subtle reflections on difficult religious matters. It was as if the surrounding culture had imposed a błock on sustained investigation of the spiritual dimension of life.

1 think you just have to make the most of what you’ve got at the time, and not think too deeply about it. Because I think if you go into it too deeply, and think about it too deeply, I dunno, you can sort of, ‘Why am I here? What am I doing here?’, and it could be sort of a bit negative feeling, if you arend coming up with the right answers.

Nicola acknowledged the importance of her Catholic heritage, but preferred to keep busy rather than give herself permission to face the big questions of existence. Although she had no current links with the institutional church, she had tangible proof of her continuing status as a member of the church in the form of various religious objects that she kept in a box in her attic. This ‘reliquary’ contained her First Communion dress, a Missal inlaid with mother of pearl and a childrens Bibie. These items were not taken out of the box, but they had power just by being there; they proved that she still belongs.

Later on in the conversation Nicola talked about her belief in God and her Catholic identity as in reserve, ready to be used in emer-gency. I ler reliquary perhaps held the same function, tying her to her roots in the Church community.

I know it sounds stupid, but it’s like having sonie money in the bank, at the back of you, if you ever need it. Not sort of the money that you can go into every day, but just sonie security there at the back of you, in times of crisis, or if something goes wrong, you’ve got something there. And I think I feel like that about being a Catholic, you’ve got something there, you’ve got your belief, there’s not nothing there. I know it sounds ...

The key phrase here is ‘there’s not nothing there’. Nicolas faith provides her with a way out of existential loneliness. She is part of something greater than herself, the Catholic Church, which provides her with the security she needs to cope with life.

Nicola went on to describe a time in her life when she needed to raid her deposit box:

I think the worst thing was when my husband had his heart attack. Um, thats a horrible experience, I would hate to go through something like that again ... I think thats sometimes when you feel an inner strength, and there’s a presence there to look after you.

In Nicola’s mind, she still belongs to the institutional church; she is an insider, even though she does not attend.

I still feel I’ve got a sort of a connection with the Church, with my Catholic faith. I dont think that will ever go. And you can either hate it, or you can carry on with it like Mum, but I think deep down inside, it’s always there with you.

This is a recurrent theme in all those research conversations we had with people who had some kind of sustained affiliation to the church as children. They talked of‘the seed having being sown and of a sense that they cannot escape either God or religious belief; it is part of their inheritance. Nicola pondered whether she believed simply because she had been indoctrinated, but decided that it was morę than that. Her lifes experience confirmed for her that her belief was genuine. This is where a contrast appears compared with those people whose association with the church was at best tenuous. Matthew, Tom and Stephanie, who are discussed below, either do not have access to, or find implausible, traditional religious language and symbolic frameworks with which to express their spiritual beliefs and experiences. Others, such as Nicola, are still able to make use of the resources of the Christian culture.

If Nicolas identity as a Catholic was still so important to her, then