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Also In This Issue My Day at tłic Clinic By GARRISON KF.ILLOR Aug. 28, 2000

Health is thc ultimate dcmocracy, as cvcry mortal knows, especially we squirrels who have gathered our nuts for the winter and becn careful Crossing busy strccts. Many carefijl and industrious sąuirrels havc died young, while rats and wcascls have led long and happy livcs. We trcmblc whcn we go to see the doctor, fcarijig tliat sorac terrible irony is about to be revealcd. .

I spent a few days at thc Mayo Clinic reccntly, gctting poked and probed, giving blood, pccing into a cup, coughing on command, listcning for inaudiblc bccps ovcr hcadphoncs, w^lking fest uphill on a treadinill as a young woman took my blood pressure, placing my lcft hand on hcr lovcly shoulder, whicll drovc my blood pressure up-and democracy was cyidcnt cvcrywhcrc. Muslim womcn in elegant gray chadors sat whispering in the same waiting room with stolid fanners and their wives, geczers and gcczcrcttcs ncxt to minor Pooh-bahs and nabobs yakking on celi phones. Snatches of French and German drifted by, and Japanese, and Minnesotan ("So you think it's going to be a long timc then? Or no?"). And all of us praying tlie same continuous silcnt prayer to the Grcat Intcrnist to let the tests comc out clean and please-no colonoscopy today.

Mayo is the Lourdes of the North, the Cape of Lasl Hope and Court of Mortality Appcals, known for its clientele of sbciks and kinglets and potentates and ailing tycoons and celebrities—Billy Graham was on the premises the day I went, having his mcdications adjusted—but it's a clinic that also scrvcs a big swatli of Southern Minnesota, so when theExaItcd Nawab of Lowcr Rawalpindi’s 14th and 15tli wives go in for a chcst X ray, tlicy sit and wait next to Ole and Lena from Spring Grovc. And sitting and waiting is part of thc Mayo cxpcriencc. You tell all your interesting troubles to thc cxamining physician, and hc or she routes you to the appropriate shamans and gurus--to cardiology or the department of digital prostatę cxaminations or tlić hiccup guy or tlie specialist in owliness—and it may takc scvcral days to get a thorough checkup, thc emphasis bcing on thoroughncss. It's a good idea to bring a book. Dante would be good, or tlie Book of Job.

I sat in a waiting room and saw a mother pushing a sweet littlc girl in a wheelchair. Tlie girl worc a stocking cap, having lost ber hair. Au old man was called to thc desk, accompanied by his son. A nursc cxplaincd to tlie son how to collcct a stooi samplc. And then a stocky woman in wbite called my name and led mc down the hall to an cxamining room and told mc to strip to my shorts and don a smali gown. She was friendly and matter of fact in the mairner of small-town Lutlicrans, and I could imaginc striking up a conversation about the weather and gardens and how fest summer goes by.

When it comcs my time to go, I imaginc doing it in thc company of Midwestem Lutheran women who will hołd my hand at thc cud and say, "Boy, they say \ve're supposed to get two to threc inches of rain tonight and wc surę could use it but I don't know." And my dying words will be, ^,rYeah, it actually looks likc it's clearing up sonie."

She padded away, and I sat for a few minutes in my gown, fccling mortal, tlie way you do if you're 57 and scantily clad, sitting in bright light. 1 could imaginc that a pea-size tumor in my innards had sprouted and sent cvil tcndrils sliooting through tlie lymph nodes, and now densc jungle growths liad a grip on my vitals and in a few months pcoplc would sit in an Episcopal church and soflly weep for me and then have a nice lunch. I was alinost to the scattering of the ashcs when the doctor walked in. He asked mc how I was and I said fine. He sat down and perused tlie ąuestionnaire I'd fil led in.

It is pleasant to have somcone concemed about you and your health. 1 was brought up to think about others, not about myself, and if thc conversation should dwcll on mc, to change the subject ąuickly.

But now, in the privacy of an examining room, I was accordcd thc grcat privilege of talking about me, my feclings and achcs and what’s happening herc and here and down herc, and thc doctor was not so bored to hear about it. He found mc interesting and looked into my cycs and my cars and my nosc. Hc thumped my chcst; hc had mc drop my drawers and asked, "Everything down herc work O.K.?" Yes, I said, yes, yes, it does. But thank you for aslcing.

And that was tlie upsliot of my story in Rochester. Aging małe, out of shapc ("dcconditioncd") but in pretty good shape for tlie shapc I'm in. Knock, knock. I have the cholesterol lcvcls of an 18-ycar-old, in case you're curious, which is highly unjust, considcring thc cggs and chccse and bcef I'vc snarfed, tlie zero hours of acrobic exercise, and thank God for His Unjusticc. Knock, knock. That is all I havc to say on thc subjcct at this timc, and there will be no qucstions, thank you.