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The Repubłicans Were Right. But—

By GARRISON KEILLOR Feb. 22, 1999

Let us talk about civility for a moment. Or rather, lct me talk about it, and you shut up. I am better qualificd, sincc I am a Democrat who was fully in agreeraent witli thc Rcpublican posilion on impcachment as 1 understood it.

The Repubłicans believed that dehorsing Uic Prcsidcnt would scrve as a caution to Dcmocratic Presidents in thc fultirc, and about tliat tlicy are right. And also tliat it would underline the sanctity of oaths.

For cxamplc, two montlis From now, I'll sit in my tax guy’s officc and sign a goverument form under a linę tliat says, "Under penalty of pcijury, I hcrcby attest tliat cvcry statcmcnt herein. cvcry jot and tittle and numerical figuro and punctuation niark, is absolutely and utterly true and complctc, otherwise God help me," and evcn though I havc no idea what statements arc lierein and thc form may as well be written in Hittitc, I will sign my namc and so attest. My tax guy bas other customcrs waiting. I look down at the word perjury, pen hovcring, and imagine myself being led from the U.S. courthousc in St. Paul, Minn.₇ a hat ovcr my lace, for thc long bus ride to Lcavcmvorth, and then I sign my namc.

The word peijury sliould mcan something so tliat it focuscs a man's mind. (Themoncy you skinimed offyour daughter’s Girl Scout cookie rcvcnues, tlie 20s you palnicd from tlić collcction plate—Didyou reincmbcr to dcclare tliem as income?) And of coursc your mind is going to focus better if now and then someone is shot by a firing squad for making falsc statements on a tax return.

Same witli speeding. It hclps rcin us in if, on our way to work, we see flashing lights wherc other cars have bccn pullcd ovcr and the drivers have bccn hauled out and thrown to tlie ground and flogged and Llicir right foot, tlie accclcrator fcot, has been cut offby a policeman witli an ax. This is tlie Rcpublican position on impcachnicnt as I miderstand it. And I agree that watcliing miscreant drivers hopping around witli blood dripping from their stumps would make me slow down, no doubt about it. It certainly seems to work in Singapore.

On the other band, if I cvcr had thc chancc to votc the guy with thc ax out of ofTicc, 1 would do so. Tłiere is a lcvcl of morality tliat is too high to be maintauicd in a democracy. Tlie America tliat thc Thirteen Angry Mouse Managers envision is a rather bleak place wherc most of us would be in prison or within view of it.

Aflcr the Senatc's vote, you hcard calls from tlie usual quarters toput bitter partisanship beliind and enter an era of civility, wliich is a pleasant tliought, but unlikcly. Why sliould we imagine that tlie Easter bunny will comc this ycar, after wc've been disappointed so often in thc past?

The best vvc can do is systematize the cruelly. The Repubłicans' ofłense has run out of downs, and now they sliould tum over the bali and let the Dcmocrats run witli it.

Lct's givc a Dcmocratic prosecutor $50 million to see what hc can come up witli about Orrin Hatch. Senator Hatch is a fine Christian gentleman, but $50 million is a lot of money. You could fmd out a great deal about someone for that. Get copies of videotapes from security camcras in cvery storę hc cver shopped in, and if hc cvcr scratchcd himsclf in public, we could watch it. Maybc hc was undercharged for a pack ofbair curlers once and ncglcctcd to tell the clerk about it. Intcrvicw evcryone who has a gnidge against him—old sccretaries who had to correct his grammar on thc letters they Lypcd, tlić neighbor who had to deal witli the lcavcs from thc I latch mapie tree. Search his homc. Maybc hc has a secret fondness for donning embroidered platform shoes and elephant bells and lip synching to Barry Manilow. Why shouldn't thc nation know about this?

And then lct tlie Repubłicans do Jimmy Carter. See if he really is hammering diose naiis in the Habitat for Humanity houses or if it's onjy a photo op. Maybc when hc tcaches his adult Bibie class in Plaitis, Ga., he steals ideas from Baptist magazines and uses them without proper attribution.

The sacrificial victim sliould be someone of unqucstioned high reputation--no going aflcr easy prey likc Henry Hyde or Dan Burton. Tlie time limit should be one ycar. Bring tlie charges to tlie Mouse of Reprcscntatives, shamc thc guy, laugh him to scorn, let thc newsboys chew on him, lct him crawl and cringc and beg forgivcncss and then band thc kcys to the prosceutor's officc ovcr to the other side.

This is as elose to civility as we can comc right nosv, to take tums whacking one another. If tlie American people want civility, tlicy can elect a Congress that belicves in it.