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...Sowewhcre elsc. Minnesota wanted a Governor. Now we're stuck willi him By GARRISON KEILLOR Oct. 11, 1999

llere in Minnesota, we are carrying on aa experiment in democracy, having electcd a Governor whom wc can cspccially cnjoy bccausc only 37% votcd for him and thc rcst of us are not rcspousible. This is something ncw in America, thc ironie public servant.

Ordinarily a Govcrnor is elcctcd with 51% or 55% or (if hc is young and has luminous childrcn and his opponcnl is a pencil-necked geek) 60% of tiie vote, and two montlis afler his Inauguration, hc starts to brown around thc edges and disillusionmcnt sets in, starting with the peoplc who once worshiped the ground he trod on and now see that, alas, he is a dumb cluck like everyonc clsc and has no Solutions for problems sucli as ignorance and cruelty and tlić aging proccss.

In Minnesota, our Emperor started out with no clothes at alJ. Ele came to us from a branch of thc performing arls in which largo men who rcsemble comic-book charaetcrs pretend to fight cach other, so when hc was inaugurated and did not appoint barflies and dopc dealers to ofFice but dotrned a suit and wbite shirt and hom-rimmed glasscs and managed to sound half-smart about a third of thc timc. his approval ratings tumed three sheets to the wind and have stayed that way ever sincc.

His success has beeti discouraging to people in politics, much as the success of The Blair Witch Project is discouraging to filmmakors: if the public embraccs something so shallow and tedious, what futurę is tlicre for thc profcssionals? But thc sourcc of thc man's strength is no seeret. It is that he speaks plain English with nonę of the circuitous posturing and preening of public ofticials, who cannot give you the time of day without sayitig that timc is a topie of great conccrn to them, as it is to all Amcricans, and Ilia! they havc long devotcd IhemseKes to finding a solution lor the chronię problem of timc shortage. Govcmor Vcntura justsays it’s 12 o'clock.

Peoplc arc gratefhl for that, and surpriscd, and on thc basis of this plain-spokenness, Vcntura has leaped to national prominence, and descrvcdly so. Ile scorns the religious right and thc war on drugs, which nobody elsc dares to do. Hc is bard as joails on thc subjcct of campaign fmancing. 1 Ic is brave in so many ways, and just when you want to admire him, he shows his great capacity for silliness, and thcrc is nothing morę fata! in politics. I'm sorry, but it simply is truć. Votcrs don't elect people to goof around.

This sumrner, after he told farmers he doesn't like to use the term farm crisis because it is too negativc, Ventura, for a million doliars or so, climbed back into the pro-wreslling ring as a rcfcrcc, to be among men strutting around thc ring pointing at their butts and yelling butt-related words for thc audience to yell back at them. It wasn't a proud moment for Minnesotans, especially if you madę tlie mistakc of watching. Then, in Scptember, Ventura touled Donald Tmmp ;i$ a prcsidential candidate. Let's be elear about this: anyonc who imagin.es Donald Trump in tlie White Housc has thc brains of a stale bagel. Donald Trump inakcs Ross Pcrol look like a giant. Jcssc Ycntura was thc first mail, aside from the men in Mr. 1'rump's cmploy, cvcr to make this imaginalivc leap.

And now, this wcek, in im intemew in Playboy, he talks about prostitutes and not wearing underwcar and brcasts, brcasts, brcasts, Sophia Lorcn’s and his wifc's. and ho w he'd like to be rcincamatcd as a 38-doublc-D bra, and hc implics that groping w omen, Tailhook-style, is a prerogativc of tlie warrior and says, in perfectly plain English, "Organiz.ed religion is a sham and a crutch for wcak-ininded peoplc who need strength in numbers." So much for St. Thomas and Martin Luther.

Minnesotans arc politc peoplc who tend to dcal with provocation by sidestepping it, ignoring it, chuckling at it, trying to find a charitablc cxp!anation. But tlie Govemor, in plain English, is a Yahoo who has never confessed to a single regret or second thought and who struts around St. Paul, a big smali town, with a retinue of bodyguards, emitting a great air of celcbrity, scorning the local press whilc courting the national media. People do their best to grin and go along with it, but cvcntually you have to tell him to shut tlie heli up. He isn't a danger to anybody. He's just big and loud and arrogant. He's a guy wearing a 38-double-D bra on his head, and all wc noeded was somconc to nm tlić govcmmcnt.