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SWEET HOME, MINNESOTA By GARRISON KETLLOR Mar. 24, 1997

Out herc on thc windswcpt prairic of Minnesota, where we havc only tliree seasons—eithcr wintcr is just over or winter is on thc way, or cIsc it’s wintcr—and where by Marcli wc feel duli and Hat and lost in thc boondocks, it is pretty luxurious Uiat thc U. of M. basketball team won tlie 1997 Big Ten championship and w^rent to tlie NCAA tournamenL It's tlić best news all wintcr.

Our team bas a 27-3 record. but it's no powerhouse: ifs one of those scrappy defensive teams that win big games by one or two points and give you thrcc hcart attacks in the last four minutes. The right team fora State of Germans and Scandinavians wlio belicvc in luird \vork_; pcrscvcrance, and dont think youie somebody spccial, bccausc youie not.

We Midwcstcrners have a sixtli sensc, and ifs thc sensc of inferiority, a feeling that if wc were rcally any good. we woiildn’t be )iving herc. This can lead to truty durab attempts to compcnsate, soch as a recent article in a local magazinc saying tliat Minneapolis is as liip as New York City. The znagazinc is the sort tliat goes in for covcr stories like "Twcnty-Fivc Best Sunday Brunches^,ł or "Thirty-Six Ways to Tum Your Batliroominto aPlace You Would Want to Spcnd thc Entirc AAernoon In"—and the article was terminaUy dopcy, as any article about liipness w-ould bc. You doni hear New Yorkcrs talk about how liip their city is; tlicy talk about harrowing cab rides, rapacious plurtibers, cracklicads on thc sidewałk, all tlić usual urban horrors. New' Yorkcrs know ifs not cool to talk about bcing liip. Sonic Midwcsterners don’t midcrstand that.

Inferiority is a big public issue liere at the moment: thc Minnesota legislaturc is debating whctlier to build a Stadium for the Minnesota Twins, wlio might skip lown if tliey don’l get one, and where would that leavc us? Back in thc minor leagues, thafs where. No different from Des Moines or Omaha. Tlie Govcrnor, who favors the stadium, recently told the people of Minnesota, who do not, tliat withoul major league sporis thc Twin Cities would be like Des Moines, "absolutely dead," wliidi causcd sonie constemation in Iowa and not much in Minnesota, where tlie fcar of bcing like Des Moines, or necrophobia, is not so potenl, excepl in Minneapolis, of coursc.    . *

Des Moincsity (or Omahancss) is a bigger issue in Minneapolis than in St. Paul. In St. Paul—a city witli not so many Sunday brunches, wliosc residents look on batlirooms as places you go in and do your business and come out—wc liave our own ballpark, ncxt to tlie niilroad tracks south of the State Fair Grounds, where our baseball team, tlie Saints, plays against teams from Dulutli, Sioux Falls, Sioux City, Fargo-Moorhead, Madison,

Winnipcg and Tliunder Bay. We wavc at tlie trains as they go by, and wc always havc a good timc regardlcss of what liappcns on the field. Between innings, a man walks up to tlie home-platc ump, leading a pig witli a bag of fresh bascballs on its back. Oncc, a player from an opposing team was offended by thc pig and tumed to thc umpirc and said, "Tliat is so bush league," and tlie ump said,"This is the busli leagues."

In St. Paul, Aincrica's 57th largest city, wc’rc all right willi tliat. Nobody wlio sits near mc at tlie ballpark scems to Tccl personally diminislicd by living in a minor league city. We do not considcr ourscKcs fundamenlally so dilfcrent from Dulutliites or Sioux Fallsians or hargo-Moorheaders. We all eat tlie same brand of com flakes. and one size sock fits all. I-Iowevcr, in Minneapolis, tlie 42nd largest American city, tlicre arc pcoplc who unaginc it to be thc Manhattan of thc Midwesl, thc Paris of the Prairic. Tliis is etnbarrassing to us St. Paulitcs, like knowing a smali man witli a bad toupcc wlio thinks hc is ł om Cruise. What can you say to him, otlicr than "Stop that"?

To most Minneapolitans, St. Paul is an incxplicablc growth on their castcm flank, their New Jersey, their Pasadena, tlie place you don’t go if you’rc liip, and tliose pcoplc are heavily into hipness. At Walker Art Center, tlie cuslodial Staff bas to bc careful not to leavc a pail and a mop unattended during cxhibition houra lest it attract a crowd of Minneapolitans struck by thc angularity of tlie tliing, thc openness, thc vocabulary of liąuidity. Minneapolis, not St. Paul, is a mecca for performance artists, people w^rho can’t sing ordance or write or act but who can crawl througli a pile of truck lircs wcaring a sliower curtain and wave a flashlight and say things. Minneapolitans lean fomard and watch them, perspiring, afraid tliat somc subtlety may cscapc them. St. Paulites look at cach otlier and say, "Whose idea was this?"

What truły distinguishes Minncsola isn’t majorness or liipness but a sweetness of character that perhaps is broughl out by bitter weather and sensory deprivation, and that you can’t show off to outsiders bccausc tlie moment you do, ifs gone. This is a State of people not so far removcd from tlie farm, and fanniiig is a civil business that bclieves insharing ncw inforination and hclping your neighbor. It produccs good-hearted people who arc tolcrant, helpful and frictidły. Farming is why thc narcissism quoticnt is Iow herc, and people avoid slupidity when possible, not wanting to bc a $10 łiaircut on a 50|ccntJ liead. The sort ofarrogance that amuses New Yorkcrs is liere considcrcd gauclie.

I personally favor building a goldcn stadium in Minneapolis enerusted with precious gems, but only for our own amusement, not to make us major league, which wc'rc not and don't want to be. We*ve scen major league places, and thafs one rcason w^rc livc herc instead.

A dense fog has descended on Amalgamatcd Potato, and it will not lift soon. You need this like you necd a porcclain hairnct. Go west, young mail. Go nortli. Dou’t givc your lifc to them. Gct out of town.