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A MOST UNFLATTERLNG SHOW By GARRISON KELLLOR Mar. 13. 1995

Once again wc ask ourselves, why exacliy do wc carc about ihc New Hampshire presidential primary? And why do we care Tor an entire year? It may be a publicity bonanza for a State tliat most Americans aren't all tliat curious about. it may do wonders for the state’s crcamed-chicken industry, but do wc need to spend all of 1995 rcading tliosc same handicapping stories (RACE LS DOLE'S TO LOSE, SAY TNSIDERS. BUT GRAMM NARROWS GAP) and Sunday think pieces GS PRIMARY CAMPAIGN TOO LONG AND EXPFNSIVE7) dccrying the shallowncss and mcndacity and fluinmcry of it all?

The day Dan Quayle anklcd Uic 1996 race 1 startęd to wouder if iiiąybę I hądn't underrated Uic man. Anyonc who chooscs to spend 1995 at bonie in Indiana cnjoying family lifc rather than prccning, fawning, blitbering, truckling and marketing flannd-inoulbcd pictics wbilc living in motel rooms witb bumt-orange carpcting is a man witb tbc good tastc and common sense wc want in a Presidcnt.

Bul tbere tliey go again. A gang of ninc Republican bopefuls and hopelcsscs went up to Manchester for tbc kickoff dinner at tbc Holiday Inn and announced tbat, yes, tbcy arc conscrvativc evcr and always, my heavens, yes, and arc tbc ones to li fi tbc terrible yokc or govcnnncnt from tbc pcoplc's sliouldcrs, and, no, tbc words tax incrcasc ncvcr cross tlicir lips witbout a sense of dccp pcrsonal rcvulsion, and, yes, they arc looking forward to yisiting New Hampsbirc oficn in tbc wccks and inonlhs abcad. So herc wc arc, back in the dark valc of sclf-abasement tbat is presidential campaigning.

Tlie press would likc the campaign to bc as long as possiblc, to give it an cpic sweep-great annics on tbc march. great men nobly survcying tlić termin, great men brought down by tragic flaws (bubris, a voicc tliat sounds like a pcanut grinder. a big fishy loan. a shadowy past at the draft board, a bimbo in the eloset). But it is humiliation cnougb just to run for Presidcnt. Scandal łiardly makes it worse. Scandal, in fact, cndcars tlie candidate to us. Senator Granuli, when asked why be bad opled against military seryice in bis youth, said, "it didn't make sense for a Pb.D. in econoinics, 26 years old, at Uic pcakof tbe draft, to leave Texas A&M University and join tlie Army. Nobody was going to send nie to Victnam. 1 would have ended up working in a library or teaching at West Point." Tliat response only makes bim sccm human. Tliis is tbc sort of charming story tbat you or I might tell ircorncrcd.

But why sliould Republicans be out on Uie luistings so soon aflcr Uic midlerm cleclions? Wc all know tbat Uicy tbink. Włiat wc don't know is wbetber tliey mean it or not. Nothing tbat is said at a luncheon in New Hampshire makes a dime’s worth of difTerencc wlien the show so clearly is in Washington and tbc keynote figurę in the party is Ncwt Gingrich. A lot of moutbs arc itioving, but bis is tbc voicc wc bcar. Senator Dole has been in Washington so long tbat all bis edges have woni off—when asked about buming issues, he tends to say sometliing like, "I Uiink we need to takc a good long look at tliat," or, 'Tm hcaring a lot of peoplc ask about tliat." Gingrich is out front, carrying tlie toreb. Dole is carrying tbe water bucket.

A few monUis ago, Uic Republicans seraped togetber a ńiajority by appealing to tlie sorehead vote, your brotlier-in-law and minc, tlie guys wbo, aflcr a fcw bccrs. wonder why tbcy sliould have to pay taxes for the sebools aflcr tlicir kids have graduated. Angcr is a primal forcc in politics, and if you get the good folks riled ovcr tbe pointy-lieads in power, you can get yourself elected. even if your own head resembles a No. 2 pcncil. But then you take Office and arc cxpcctcd to legislatc angcr. How do you do tbat? Tliis is tbc Republicans' dilemma: how to breathe firc and chew up Uic sccncry. but gcntly, so as not to alarm tbe moderate votcrs.

Bill Clinton's strategy is to bc tbc Presidcnt and let tbc Republicans sbakc tlicir raltlcs and do Uieir ghost dance.

Hc can pick bis battlcs. win a fcw, carn sonie good dcfcats. Ile can get in high dudgeon about mean-spiritedness, and when tbc Republicans get fcverish and clainmy and speak in tongues and handle snakes, be can go out to Omaha and Houston and Nashville and bc charming and graccful.

The chcesy lcvcl of political debate today bas farored tbc party on Uie attack, it bcing casier to plant fcar and confusion dian to cxplain why biali biali biali really raeans biali biali, as shown in diagram 4A (see footnote on page 495), wbieb liclpcd clcct a lot of Republicans ninning against Big Guininint. On Election Niglit, T abnost swallowed my gum wlien Senator Dole said, in an intemew, "Thcrc arc some tliings Uiat goveminent docs wcII," sometliing tliat no Republican has uttered in years. A man wbo bas spent 34 years in tbe Eederal Govermnent niust liavc been surprised at tlie vehemencc his party unlcashcd.

But in 1996 the Dcmocrats get to throw some chccsc of tlicir own. The Republicans are going to be tlie Party Tbat Cancclcd tlie Clean Air Act and Took Hot Lunches from Childrcn, tbc Orphanagc Party of Uirgc Wbite Men Who Fcel Uneasy Around Gals. No matter who the G.O.P. candidate is, bc will have to defend Newt Gingrich, and thcrc may bc liappier ways to spend your life.

Garrison Kcillor is Ute liost of A Pniirie Home Companion, łicard cvciy Saturday niglit on public radio.