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G4 CONYERSATION

want to know. If you know, how do you know? Do you really know, all the time?

There is a poignant sense of yearning here, a desire for some kind . of connection. The problem is that for Matthew, and many othcr people we spoke with, belonging to the religious institution means that there is no room for donbt, yon have to believe with certainty. And this is just not possible for him as he reflects on his own life narrative and the world revealed to him by science. Matthews spirituality is not dead; on the contrary it is dynamie and very much alive. It changes with his life and because of that there is no room for a once-and-for-all revelation.

Yet he gave the impression of longing to be able to belong to a faith community, a place where he could explore his beliefs and develop his spirituality. He wished the church was less dogmatic, but also that it was much morę serious about its role instead of being bogged down, as he saw it, in empty ritualism and fine words. To him this seemed like a kind of frivolity when considering such a serious matter:

But again, it’s being an iconoclast, smashing that nonsense down, you know, get real, let’s get underneath all that...

He adds somewhat wistfully,

I think they get a lot out [of attending Church], again, this is probably envy in me: why don’t they invent one that I can go to?

Unlike Nicola, it is not possible for Matthew to feel part of the church, to belong. He has no safety-deposit box set aside for a rainy day. He lives with the enigma of existence every day and finds little solące. ‘Some days I think I know, and then I dont really.’

The conversation with Matthew vividly illustrates the struggle that many people have to nurture their own spirituality when deprived of either the language or the support of an institution because they find them implausible or unattractive. The church is out of bounds for the likes of Matthew, and so he is left to search in other places.

And thats probably why I do tend to explore the subjects and the religions. I will talk to people, find out what they believe. Because maybe one day I’ll find it, you know. But again, I think there is a need in all of us, I think; however much we resist it.

Although Matthew rejects Christianity, his own search for faith is in constant tension with the Christian tradition. It is almost as if he realises that the Church should offer him a place in which to share his spiritual quest, and he is angry that, as far as he can see, it does not recognise his search as legitimate. Quite suddenly, towards the end of the conversation, Matthew began to speak movingly and with deep emotion about his love for church buildings.

I still love the church, you know, at Christmas time. I like going into churches, from an aesthetic [point of view], I think they’re great places. They have weight and silence and tranquillity and beauty, and you can find solące.

'THERE’S ALWAYS MORĘ TO LIFE. THERE'S ALWAYS, NEVER ONE TRUTH'

Unlike Matthew, Tom was someone for whom institutional religion figures hardly at all. Tom was in his thirties and quite ‘laddish’ in appearance. He was married and worked in a smali local firm. When he was a child he sang in the choir of his local parish church but that [ ended when he was fifteen. The only time that he could subsequently recall attending a church service was for his own wedding. The impact of his youthful association with the church choir seemed to be zero. Nevertheless he was quite elear that he was deeply spiritual:

I believe morę in Mother Naturę than anything else. It’s like an electric field that combines everything, whether it’s plants, humans or anything else.

He had developed his own brand of spirituality from a mixture of folk religion, magie and popular science. His conversation illustrates the spiritual creativity of someone who is almost completely outside the mainstream Christian tradition.

Torns spiritual life was of a highly materialistic sort. His talk was peppered with references to tangible phenomena such as ghosts, b apparitions, premonitions, ‘atmospheres’ and the like. For him the i,- spirit world is all around us if we care to look. He had been to a ? spiritualist meeting a few times and was quite impressed by the phenomena he had witnessed. For example, during a seance he had felt that one side of his body was on fire, ‘really, really sore and hurt-} ing’. It turned out that a woman sitting near him had lost a son in a