Murder Bites the Bullet: A Gertie Johnson Murder Mystery @page { margin-bottom: 5.000000pt; margin-top: 5.000000pt; } About Murder Bites the Bullet- Sixty-six year old Gertie Johnson and cohorts Cora Mae and Kitty have a knack for stirring up trouble in what was once a quiet backwoods community in the heart of the Michigan Upper Peninsula. When Finnish resident Harry Aho (sometimes pronounced A-hoe) takes a bullet at his kitchen table, Gertie suspects it has something to do with the public shooting range he set up right on the property line next to a Swede. The Trouble Busters bring out the big guns to crack this one, including deer cameras, a riot gun, and faithful Fred, the semi-retired police dog. What The Critics Are Saying� "Laugh-out-loud funny." Crimespree� "For fans of Janet Evanovich, imagine Granma Mazur with orange hair and a shotgun." Green Bay Press Gazette� "A hoot with a heart." Cozy Library� "A wonderful story of the love of family and friends.” Mysterious Review� "One of the most memorable heroines in recent crime fiction." Lansing State Journal� � � Look for a list of other books by Deb Baker at the end of Murder Bites the Bullet.� MURDER BITES THE BULLET� (A Gertie Johnson Murder Mystery)� by� Deb Baker� � * Word For The Day FUDGE (fuj) A soft rich candy found on Mackinac Island; To fabricate; A substitute for an obscene word. � Ever since my friend Kitty almost got shot to pieces, I’ve been determined to change my ways. It’s one thing to rush into a dangerous situation and accept the consequences for myself. It’s quite another when someone else is hurt because of my actions. So I promised myself from now on I would stay out of trouble, work my cases with my brains instead of risking my skin. Or anybody else’s. I really had the best intentions. So when Harry Aho (depending on who you’re talking to, pronunciation of Aho is either ah-hoe or ay-hoe) and Chet Hanson started feuding over Harry’s big idea to open a rifle range on his property right where it butted up to one side of Chet’s property line, I said to myself, �śGertie Johnson, you and your Trouble Buster Investigation Company are going to sit on the fence through this one.” I had meant to sit on the fence figuratively, not literally, but here I was, hooked to Harry Aho’s barbed wire fence, with guns going off all around me and bullets whizzing by. Bales of hay were the only thing that stood between me and the shooting range, which explained why the riflemen couldn’t see me. Unfortunately, those bales didn’t slow down the bullets one speck. And the more I fought the barbs, the tighter they gripped the strands of hair on the side of my head. Ouch, I was stuck! So much for staying out of the line of fire. But I didn’t have a choice after Chet Hanson showed up at my house and hired the Trouble Busters to dig up dirt on Harry Aho. He needed something damaging to hold over Harry’s head, something that would force him to shut down the range. Chet Hanson had actually put down a nice-sized deposit. Real, honest-to-goodness cash this time, not like the usual--a freezer full of chickens. Or free manicures. So that’s what I was trying to do, get on the property for an initial investigation. Here in the Michigan Upper Peninsula, where the Finns and Swedes blazed their way through the wilderness, nationality means a lot. Usually the two sides coexist just fine, although the Finns think the Swedes are drunks. And the Swedes complain that the Finns have superiority complexes, thinking they’re better than everybody else, when they put on their pants one leg at a time just like the rest of us. Things go along fine for a while, then something like this issue comes along and triggers a feud. In my opinion, Harry Aho (a Finn) shouldn’t have turned part of his land into a rifle range without talking it over with his neighbor first. Not that Chet Hanson (a Swede) would have agreed anyway, but still... I could see the Trouble Buster truck from where the barbed wire fence had grabbed me. Fred, my faithful German shepherd, howled from inside the rolled up window, watching intently as my dilemma grew more serious by the minute. He threw his black bulk against the door as though he might morph into Superdog. When that didn’t work, he howled again and stared at me with those red dagger eyes that expressed exactly what I was feeling – trapped and helpless. Cora Mae, my best friend and one of my two business partners, barely made it out her side of the truck without him, slamming the door shut just in time to keep Fred safe from getting riddled with bullets. Crawling on her belly, she inched toward me. That’s exactly how I became ensnarled in the first place--crawling to make my getaway. �śWatch out for the fence,” I said, seeing Cora Mae’s jet black mane of hair dangerously close to the barbs. �śHoly cripes,” she muttered when she reached me and assessed the tangled situation. Then she began whacking at my imprisoned hair with a buck knife she’d grabbed from the glove compartment of the truck. �śFudge,” I said, finding an appropriate use for my word of the day without any effort at all. Tears of pain welled in my eyes from the pain Cora Mae was inflicting on me. If a bullet pierced my body at that exact moment, I was sure it couldn’t hurt any worse. As I started to actually want a rifle shot to my brain, the wire gave. I was free. We crawled away, digging our elbows into the ground, twisting along like garter snakes. Then we climbed into the truck. I squealed out onto Highway M35 with Fred practically on top of me, showing his relief for my narrow escape by giving me a slurpy face wash. I pushed him back into his proper place in the middle, swiping at dog drool with my hand. That’s when I realized there wasn’t a bit of hair left on the side of my head. Two fingers came away tinged with blood. �śCora Mae,” I roared in a mix of pain and anguish. �śYou didn’t have to scalp me!” �śNo, I didn’t,” she replied. �śShould I have left you stuck to the fence to take your chances with Harry Aho’s rifle range shooters? Would that have been a better idea?” Since Cora Mae still had the buck knife in her hand, I decided to thank her for the rescue instead of complaining any further. Besides, I’d done it again. Put a friend in a dangerous situation. �śDon’t worry,” Cora Mae went on. �śI can fix you up good as new. I have a doll with hair almost the same shade of red as yours. I hate to do it to her, but what are friends for? I’ll cut off some of her hair and superglue it to your head. No one will ever know the difference.” Inwardly, I groaned. Cora Mae has taken care of my hair needs for as long as I can remember. And I never have had the heart to tell her what an awful beautician she is, in spite of the fact that her own hair is hot-mama stuff ever since she’s grown it out longer. Although now that I think back, when she accidentally dyed my hair red, I liked it enough to keep the color, so it hasn’t been all bad. By the way, my name is Gertie Johnson. And I’m here to tell you that aging isn’t anything to be afraid of. Being young isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As I age, or rather mature, I get quite a few interesting surprises along the way. For example, at sixty-six years old, I’ve started a new investigative business with the help of Cora Mae and Kitty, another of my best friends, the one who got shot up on our last assignment. That happened during the manicure case, and it wasn’t worth what we had to go through. Thankfully, Kitty has recovered and is as good as new. Another pleasant surprise as I head for the big seven-o is that, after being left a widow by Barney when his waders filled up with water in the Escanaba River and he went under for good, I’m in a relationship with a hot sexy man, one who has been a family friend forever and now is my �śspecial” friend. George and I go together like bread and butter. Like mashed potatoes and gravy. Life is almost perfect. Or it would be perfect, if I had all my hair. And if I could get Grandma Johnson out of my house. On that blackest of black days, when I saw her standing outside my house, wearing her favorite pillbox hat and surrounded by mismatched suitcases, why had I been foolish enough to answer the door? Normally it isn’t in my nature to dwell on the past, so I snapped back into the present to find myself still driving along M35 with my best dog friend and my partner, who was blowing bubble gum bubbles and filing her nails. Isn’t that something, how you can be driving along and suddenly you get inside your head, thinking thoughts, and pretty soon you’re where you were going without really remembering how you got there? I slowed down, turned off M35, and made a quick stop at Cora Mae’s house to pick up a few hair supplies along with the doll that was about to improve my looks at the expense of her own. Then we took off again for my house. As soon as I pulled into my driveway, guinea hens came flapping from all directions. In the beginning, I kept a few around to help keep the bug population down, which tends to mushroom out of control at certain times of the year in the small town of Stonely, Michigan where I live. The guineas do a good job of keeping ticks and ants under control, but now I have more hens than I know what to do with. They’ve become the overpopulated pest problem. Not only do they make a ton of racket, acting as guards against any invading enemies, which include every kind of vehicle, but they hate Fred. Fred looked out the front window while they surrounded the truck. Then his eyes swung to Grandma Johnson, who was waiting at the door with her nasty little flyswatter, the one she uses to �śkeep that wild wolf dog in line.” I went on guard against potential trouble. Fred is a big bad retired police dog, but he’s henpecked by Grandma and the guineas, and he actually puts up with their abuse. I try to tell him he could get the upper hand with a little growling and fang showing, but he hasn’t listened so far. I spotted George’s truck parked near my sauna. He’d offered to repair a hole in the outer wall. Saunas are popular in this part of the country thanks to the Finns. Sometimes we use our saunas as social events, getting all our friends together to sweat it out. Other times we use it as a romantic interlude. George and I like to meet there at the end of the day to get steaming and see what develops. But the damage to its wall was deterring us from one of our favorite pastimes. I couldn’t see my main man from the driveway, but he knew I was back because I heard him whistle for Fred, having witnessed the poor guy’s ongoing plight many times. When I opened the truck door, Fred soared out and hightailed it in George’s direction with the hens running full out right behind him. �śLet’s get this hair repair job over with,” I said to Cora Mae. �śBefore George sees me like this.” Grandma Johnson hid the flyswatter behind her back, because she knows I hate that thing and have tried to throw it away every chance I get. I might never forgive Barney for dying and leaving his mother for me to handle alone. She’s ninety-two, with skin as shriveled as a mummy’s, and a mind that stopped firing on all cylinders a long time ago. She and I are locked in a war over kitchen dominance, since everybody knows whoever controls the stove rules the entire roost. �śWhat happened to your head?” she said, taking a step back to let us inside the house. �śAnd is that Cora Mae with you? You know I don’t like that hussy.” �śShe can hear you, you know,” I pointed out, since Cora Mae was less than two steps behind me. Actually I was relieved to have any kind of respite from the old woman’s biting tongue. Cora Mae could handle Grandma’s verbal poison. She was almost as used to it as I was. As useless as the gesture was, I said, �śAnd Cora Mae is a guest in our home, so mind your manners.” �śI’m calling the dog catcher to pick up that violent dog,” Grandma announced, which didn’t mean a thing, since George is the town’s official dog catcher and he will ignore her. Thinking Fred was moments away from the catcher’s net, she smugly shuffled into the kitchen to make coffee, which was one of the few things she was still capable of handling. Although lately even her coffee has been God awful. While Cora Mae superglued doll hair to my head, Kitty arrived with homemade doughnuts and a whopping cackle when she saw what we were up to. She stopped laughing though when she learned I’d almost been killed. �śI should have been there for you,” she said. �śI’m going to have to resurrect my bodyguard role for this case.” That was the last thing I wanted, so I decided to talk smart and play it cool so she wouldn’t think I needed her to bodyguard me. Kitty can be really annoying when she’s trying to watch over me. It cramps my style. �śWe did all right without you,” I said, �śbut next time we need a better plan going in. Getting shot at means our strategy could use some improvement.” My friend Kitty is way overweight, and even in this day and age she still pincurls her hair and rarely combs it out. And she wears housedresses. Extra weight and housedresses don’t go together at all. We’ve caught more private glimpses of Kitty than any of us ever wanted to see. Grandma sloshed coffee in the general vicinity of our coffee cups, about a quarter of the liquid landing where it was supposed to. I tried to take the pot from her to help, but she jerked it away, spilling even more. �śI don’t need help in my own kitchen,” she said. �śIt’s not your kitchen,” I said back, biting my tongue to keep from saying more and setting her off. �śWe’ll see about that.” Grandma snapped her false teeth at me. �śWhat’s going on with you two?” Kitty wanted to know. �śKitchen war,” I answered. �śNo big deal.” Cora Mae glued another chunk to my head, and I felt a bolt of pain. �śOuch, Cora Mae, geez that hurt. Try not to glue over the raw parts.” �śLooks like Grandma is winning,” Kitty observed, watching my mother-in-law putter in the kitchen. Before I could set Kitty right and let her know this was a small battle, not the whole war, my police scanner went off. We all piped down to listen. What we heard wasn’t good news. The Trouble Busters wouldn’t be digging up any more dirt on Harry Aho. At this point, we could relinquish the shovel to the undertaker. Because Harry Aho was dead as a doornail. � * � �śWitnesses saw your truck parked next to Harry’s property right around the time he was shot,” Blaze said to me when we pulled up beside the Aho residence to check out the action. My son, who unfortunately happens to be the local sheriff, and I were standing at the front of my truck with Trouble Busters stenciled on both sides. As usual we weren’t on the same wavelength or even on the same page. For some unknown reason, he resents my interest in investigative work, and that’s putting it mildly. �śWant to explain what you were doing here?” he demanded. Blaze glared at me while I quickly considered my options. In this business, we don’t rat out our clients. If Blaze knew I’d been within firing range because Chet Hanson had hired me, and that particular information got out around town, I’d never work again. Not that I’d had much actual paid employment yet. This was the first time we’d had a cash deposit, though, and I certainly wasn’t going to blow it. �śI was looking for a private place to pee,” I answered, staying professional. �śI found this behind the shooting range among the hay bales.” Blaze held up the fake detective badge I flashed to establish authority when I really didn’t have any, but needed to pretend. The badge must have fallen out of my pocket while I was belly crawling for my life. �śThat isn’t mine,” I lied, watching a tuft of red doll hair come unstuck from my head. It floated to the ground. �śIt looks awfully familiar.” Blaze watched the clump land between us. He was perfectly aware that the badge belonged to me. I have only myself to blame for my current problems with my son. I let him work for me when he was on leave from duty with a serious medical condition. Blaze had a bad case of meningitis, which swelled his brain and made him unfit for police work. Once his brain went back to normal, which was pretty swollen even in its healthiest state, he remembered all the little tricks of my trade. Like the fake badge. And the Glock I’d taken from his house during his mental health issues. And the illegal stun gun, which I told him I’d thrown away. And a few other things he shouldn’t have been informed about if he was just going to turn around and use them against me at every opportunity. He could be a real ingrate, my son. Being the sheriff’s mother isn’t the easiest job in the world. �śHow was Harry killed?” I wanted to know. �śYou need to stop listening to that damn scanner. Can’t you be like other women your age and bake a cake or something?” Before I could reply to that outrageous and chauvinistic statement, Cora Mae stuck one black spike-heeled foot out of the open truck door. Her toes were painted blood red. She wore a cute ring on her right middle toe and a gold ankle bracelet. Several of Blaze’s deputies rushed over to help her with her dramatic exit from the vehicle. Cora Mae tends to attract male attention. She looks great for her age, which is three years younger than me, making her sixty-three. She favors the color black and wears it well, especially with her signature Wonderbra. Men don’t even care that she’s been dubbed the Black Widow for burying more than her fair share of husbands. She’s not a quitter and is always on the lookout for a new one. Kitty crawled out next. Nobody hung around to help her. Even though because of her plus size thighs and the fact that her housedress was stuck to the seat, she wasn’t exactly concealing her�Śum�Śassets too well. Right now she was giving me a full-blown view of her underpants. She’s smart though, and those online law classes she takes are paying off for our business. �śDon’t answer any more questions,” she advised me, still struggling to get out of the truck. The sight of her wasn’t pretty at the moment. Not one bit. I jammed my Blublocker sunglasses on the top of my head, so I could glare at my son for that baking comment. �śI’m exactly like other women my age! We can bake a cake and have a life. Sometimes I wonder how you grew up to be this way.” I didn’t mention that I’d been temporarily displaced from my own kitchen and couldn’t make a cake even if I wanted to. �śWhat were you doing over here?” he demanded again, apparently not having heard my quick thinking excuse about needing privacy. Kitty was finally upright on the ground. She pounded on the hood of my truck to get my attention. It worked. �śThat’s the question I don’t want you to answer,” she said. �śDon’t tell him what you were doing here until we consult.” �śI already told him I was taking care of nature.” �śBehind a firing range hay bale?” Blaze got all red. He needs to watch his blood pressure better. I tell him that constantly. �śI didn’t notice where I was until it was too late.” Kitty gripped my head with both hands, then slapped a hand over my mouth, and turned to Blaze. �śNo more questions.” Cora Mae, as usual, wasn’t helping out at all. I saw her in a circle of deputies. So did Blaze. He marched off to assign duties to his loitering, ogling men. �śStay put,” he shouted back at me. �śFirst he takes the Glock away,” I griped to Kitty after she released me. �śNow the badge. He’s making my job almost impossible. Here I am, trying to make an honest living�Ś” �śI’ll file paperwork to get it back,” Kitty interrupted my monologue before I got very far into it. �śIn the meantime, are we out of a job now that Harry is dead?” I sighed and gave it some thought. �śWell, we were hired to shut down the range.” �śAnd we accomplished that. In a roundabout way,” Kitty said. �śSo we should be paid in full, right?” �śSomehow I doubt that’s going to happen.” By now some of the shooters were coming our way down the driveway. I assumed they had been questioned and had won their freedom, at least for the time being. �śWhat happened?” I said to each of them, but all I got were shrugs and don’t knows. Blaze was playing this one closer to his hairy chest than usual, probably threatening serious consequences if they talked to anyone. A stretcher came next, guided by two emergency technicians. I didn’t have to look under the cover to know it was Harry Aho, and he was headed for his final resting place. �śWhat happened up there?” I asked the medical guys, but before either of them could say a word, Blaze had me by the arm and was hauling me off for more questioning. He’d ask one thing. Then Kitty would tell me not to answer. Then I’d asked something. Blaze would counter with another question. When we were all done, neither of us had any more information than we’d started with. � * � �śHe gave me a ticket for driving without a driver’s license,” I said as my partners and I stood by the truck. �śJust because my temporary permit expired and I haven’t had time to renew it. Can you believe him?” Blaze and I have an ongoing dispute regarding my driving credentials. Because I only started driving recently, I don’t feel I should have to go take a test like I’m some kind of kid. He disagrees, but of course he would, being a cop and all. �śYou failed the written exam,” Kitty pointed out to me. �śOnly twice. And then I passed and got my temps. That proves I’m perfectly capable behind the wheel.” Which was sort of a lie. But I was improving all the time. �śYou should have taken the driving part of the test when you had a chance,” Cora Mae said, sounding all righteous. �śYou might have to start all over from square one.” �śBlaze is still watching us,” Kitty warned. �śI’ll have to drive.” That was the worst possible news, but Cora Mae didn’t have a license either and Blaze knew it. So we were stuck with Hotrod Harriet, at least until we were out of his sight. It was hot and humid outside. My truck’s air conditioning was on the blink, so we had to drive with the windows down. G-forces plastered me to the seatback, causing the rest of the doll hair to come loose in one big chunk. It whipped around inside the truck before blowing out the window. Cora Mae should get a refund on that worthless superglue she’d used. �śWe’ll have to come up with a better hair repair idea,” she said, her eyes wide while she watched the scenery flash past. �śSlow down,” I hollered to Kitty, but the words were lost out the window. By some stroke of incredible good fortune we survived to pull into my driveway. Since I’d been pinpointed inside Blaze’s crime tape area, Kitty went off to attend to legal schmegal stuff regarding what she called my potential involvement in the murder of Harry Aho. Big deal, I tried to tell her. I had a legitimate reason for being there. George was still out back repairing the sauna, so I scampered for the house to cover my hairless head. I wasn’t quite quick enough. Here he came, looking hot and sexy in a white T-shirt, tight jeans, and wearing his cowboy hat with the rattlesnake wrapped around the brim. I turned to give him my good side. Fred came loping our way, too. The guineas must have been taking a nap, because they weren’t in sight. �śI can’t talk to you right now,” I said to George, keeping my bald side hidden. Right then Cora Mae handed me a scarf and I quickly tied it under my chin. What a friend! �śOr maybe I do have time for a quick conversation,” I said, backtracking now that I had coverage. �śI thought we might take a sauna together,” George said. �śI’ve finished repairing the hole you made in the side of it.” Cora Mae squealed. �śNow what did she do?” �śHit the gas instead of the brake,” George answered, before bear-mauling me. �śThat’s my woman. She keeps me busy and on my toes. What are the Trouble Busters up to today?” �śHarry Aho’s dead,” I told him, noticing Grandma Johnson standing in the doorway behind the screen door, listening in. �śI don’t have a single detail yet, other than he was shot and killed. And I only know that because Blaze grilled me like I was to blame.” �śI knew it!” Grandma shouted. �śI’m living with a murderess!” Not yet she wasn’t. But that could change any minute. �śWeren’t you working a case against Harry?” George asked me. �śDidn’t you have a paying client?” �śWe did, but I’m still wading through the logistics now that Harry’s dead.” George is the only one outside of the Trouble Busters who knows the names of my clients. I trust George completely. Like now, when he didn’t even mention names because of Grandma, who has a big mouth, and we all know it. �śWho would kill Harry Aho?” Cora Mae asked. �śA Hanson,” George said. �śThat’s what I was thinking,” I agreed, giving him a grin. I love that about George. We connect at a higher level than a lot of couples. Sometimes we don’t even have to talk at all because we know exactly what the other one is thinking. Too bad Grandma Johnson lives with me. Otherwise I’d ask George to move in, live in sin, and enjoy every minute of it. �śWe’ll get together later,” I said to George, with a little smooch. �śI’m not done working yet. Cora Mae, let’s take a ride over to visit with our client.” �śYou better not be late for supper again,” Grandma said, shaking a bony finger at me. �śNext time, I’m not holding a plate for you, and you can just go to bed hungry.” � * � We kicked up dust as the truck bounced down a long gravel driveway leading to Chet Hanson’s place. The weather had been comfortably warm for a change. Cora Mae rode shotgun and Fred sat tall between us, keeping his eyes focused ahead. Sometimes I wonder what goes through his mind. And what he thinks of his life with me. Before we hooked up, when he was a police dog, he had to work much harder. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s pretty content helping us bust trouble. �śYou need new shocks,” Cora Mae mentioned after one particularly bouncy bump. The driveway didn’t seem that rough, so she was probably right. �śWhy don’t you find a mechanic to date?” I suggested. �śI could use a free tune up, too.” �śI’ll get right on that,” she said with what I thought might be excessive sarcasm. I wasn’t used to wearing a scarf on my head. It itched under my chin. �śI can’t wear a scarf the whole time,” I said. �śYou can pick out one of my wigs,” Cora Mae offered. �śThat’s a good idea.” I considered which one in her extensive collection might suit me best. I also wondered how long before I had hair again. Chet Hanson has four forties, which means he owns 160 acres of prime wooded real estate. He came out of his house before I had even thrown the truck into park. Chet, like most Swedes, is a big man with a friendly smile. He also has a lazy eye. One eye looks one place, the other looks someplace else. Right now one of them was focused on Cora Mae’s cleavage. His attention didn’t go unnoticed by her, either. She grinned and posed while I got down to business. �śThe case is wrapped up,” I said. �śNot exactly how I imagined it would end, but it’s over.” Chet nodded. �śYou can keep the deposit I gave you,” he said, casting one of his eyeballs toward the ground and shaking his head in dismay. �śI wanted to stop Harry, but not this way.” �śWhat about his sons? Any chance they’ll keep the range open?” From what I knew of Harry’s kids, they wouldn’t put in a day’s work if they didn’t have to. �śThose two?” Chet snorted. �śNo chance.” �śDid you hear any details of what actually happened to Harry?” I asked, wanting to kick Blaze next time I saw him for not sharing more information with his own mother. �śHe took a bullet to the head while sitting at his kitchen table,” Chet said, that same eye focusing on Cora Mae again. Those two knew each other and had been flirting for the last year, every since Chet’s second wife left him. I could almost see the sex appeal zapping back and forth. �śSomebody shot him right in his own home in broad daylight.” �śOne of the target practicers, you think?” Chet shrugged. �śFrom what I hear, the sheriff is treating it like a murder, not an accident.” �śHow do you know so much?” �śSomeone was over there scoping things out.” Chet should have used a different verb to describe his guy’s action. �śScoping?” I repeated, thinking of the scopes we all had on our weapons. �śYou know what I mean. That was a bad choice of words, I guess. He was just looking around.” Chet turned his head to take in Cora Mae from the other eye’s angle. �śYou hired me to �śscope” things out,” I said, a little put out. �śWhy did you send someone else to do our job?” �śI didn’t. He took it upon himself.” �śWant to get together?” Cora Mae said to Chet. I rolled my eyeballs. Over the years, my friend has gone through almost every single available guy in Stonely and now she’s expanded her territory to include all of Tamarack County. �śWhat did you have in mind?” he asked her, putting some suggestion into his tone. Cora Mae matched him, intention for intention. �śOh, I don’t know,” she said, coyly. She did, too, know what she had in mind. Anyone could see that. �śA little fifteen-two?” she suggested, like she really wanted to play a game of cribbage. �śAnd a coolie?” �śA beer sounds good,” Chet said, �śCome on in.” And that’s how I left Cora Mae behind. But before I took off, I said to Chet, �śWhat’s your man’s name, the one who was at Harry’s when he died?” �śFrank.” �śFrank Hanson? Your second cousin?” Chet nodded absently, more interested in Cora Mae at the moment than the murder next door. Fred and I hit the road. He’s the only partner I’ve ever had who never lets me down. Through thick and thin, he’s always been there to keep me company and to watch my back. I dug out a dog biscuit to show my appreciation. He accepted. � * � �śWe want to hire you,” Harry Aho’s son Gus said to me from across their kitchen table, the same one where Harry had taken a fatal bullet earlier in the day. I checked around for leftover blood, but if there had been any, someone had wiped it clean. Harry’s wife, Diane, was at the stove, looking haggard and worn out, but still able to function in a mechanical sort of way, going through the motions of feeding what was left of her family. A window over the sink had clear plastic taped across it. The shot must have come right through that window, not more than six feet from where I sat. Fred appeared at the screen door and stuck his nose against it, making sure I was still within sight and sound. Reassured, he plopped down against the door and lowered his head for a nice snooze. Diane used a spatula to scoop grilled cheese sandwiches from a griddle, placed them on a plate, and brought it to the table. �śWe’ll pay you good,” Martin said, reaching for a sandwich. �śAll you have to do is prove Chet Hanson killed my pa.” �śHelp yourself to a grilled cheese,” Diane said to me, so I did. Cheese oozed from the sides of the toasted bread. I took a bite and chewed it while I thought. The Ahos weren’t hurting for money unlike a lot of the locals. Harry had dabbled in just about anything that provided income, and rumor had it Diane came into some kind of inheritance a while back, so I guessed she could foot the bill. �śThat’s all you expect?” I said, both boys’ eyes on me, waiting for my response. �śJust prove he did it?” Harry’s sons nodded in unison. Gus and Martin were Finnish through and through. They had gray eyes set in broad faces with high cheek bones and ash blond hair. And they were strong, which made up for their mediocre IQs. Much more brawn than brain, but now that the head of the family was gone, maybe they’d step up and expend a few brain cells. His boys weren’t known for being ambitious. �śYou should think it over,” I said. �śYour emotions are running high right now. Give it some time.” �śI agree,” Diane said. �śNo need to overreact.” �śWe want revenge,” Gus said, �śand we want it now.” �śAnd how am I supposed to prove Chet murdered your dad?” I asked, stalling for time. Up until this morning, I’d been working for Chet Hanson, spying on the very family I was now sharing a meal with. Something about this didn’t feel quite right. �śIsn’t that your business? Solving cases?” Martin said, glancing out at my truck where Fred, all rested from his catnap, was marking each of the tires as his own. �śWhat makes you so sure Chet did it?” I asked, readjusting my attitude. Business was business. I didn’t owe Chet Hanson anything more than what I’d given him. Besides, he might actually be the killer. Diane sat down without taking off her apron and sighed like the world was on her shoulders. �śTell her the rest, Martin,” Gus said. �śChet Hanson threatened to kill Dad when he found out about the shooting range,” Martin said. �śHe said he’d wipe him off the face of the earth if he went through with the range.” �śThose were his exact words?” �śPretty much. He did it, you can count on that.” Diane seemed to be crumbling next to me. �śYou found Harry’s body, didn’t you?” I asked her. Her face scrunched up like she was going to start crying, but being a true-blooded, tough Finn who disliked public displays of emotion, she pulled herself together. �śI found him. When I got home, he was sitting right where you are now, with his head on the table and his eyes wide open.” I squirmed a little, uncomfortable, considering a dead man had been in the same chair. �śAnd nobody saw or heard a thing?” I asked. �śIf they did, they aren’t telling.” �śI’ll look into it,” I said, standing up. I was still a little uncomfortable switching sides so quickly, but I was running a business. �śBut I can’t make any promises.” �śWe’ll need a written report on all his activity,” Martin said. �śNo problem,” I said. Fred and I drove home. Fred was unwilling to leave the truck with the guinea hens circling it. I left the big baby right where he was with the door cracked slightly open in case he rounded up enough nerve to vacate. �śShow some teeth,” I said to him. �śInstead of running away, stand your ground and nip them if you have to.” As usual, he didn’t listen. Inside, I went through my police equipment catalogue and placed an overnight delivery order. �śA deputy sheriff’s badge,” I said into the phone after deciding not to replace the detective badge Blaze had confiscated. Just in case he eventually returned it to me. Fat chance, but I didn’t need duplicates, and two different kinds of badges might come in handy sometime. �śAnd a beanbag gun,” I added, reading the gun’s description and liking what I saw. Ammo for the weapon consisted of square beanbags filled with buckshot that flattened out when they hit a target, covering a whole lot of surface area. A direct hit could stop a moose, stunning him silly without doing any serious damage. Although in the case of the moose, I’d have to run for my life, because once the animal recovered, it would turn nasty. Those things are mean! I gave the required identification number and security password that I had �śborrowed” from Blaze. Then I hung up. Grandma Johnson came out of her room, dressed for an outing. She wore her favorite pillbox hats, the exact same one she’d worn to infiltrate my home, and she had her purse hooked over her forearm. �śPearl is picking me up,” she announced. �śWe’re going to play bingo, even though I almost had to cancel because of indigestion.” She grimaced and rubbed her stomach. �śTell Kitty not to bring any more sinkers into this house.” �śSinkers?” �śHer doughnuts musta had a pound of grease in them. The one I took sank right down to the bottom of my coffee cup. Which shoulda been a warning to me. Then after I ate it, it hit the bottom of my stomach like a boat anchor and caused all kinds of upset.” Pearl pulled into the driveway and pretty soon she and Grandma were out of my hair. Or at least out of one side of my hair. The truck was empty, so Fred had made a run for it. Or else he’d out-waited the hens. Either way, he probably was making his nightly rounds, sniffing out raccoons and opossums. Since I had a few hours to kill until dark, I called George and before I knew it he and I were in the sauna with the coals fired up red hot. �śIs this your way of telling me Cora Mae screwed up your hair?” George said after studying me. I’d dug up another scarf. This time I’d tied it at the back of my head, gypsy style, which wasn’t nearly so old ladyish. �śI don’t want to get my hair damp, is all,” I answered. �śSince when?” �śSince now.” �śCora Mae didn’t mess up your color again, did she?” �śNo, the color is okay.” �śYou look good.” I blushed as I always did when George paid me a compliment. �śAnything new with your case?” he asked. �śHarry Aho’s family thinks Chet Hanson killed Harry,” I said, taking time to appreciate George’s lean muscular body. We still wore towels when we got together to sweat, but we liked to tease each other by dropping a corner here and there. I gave him a sneak peek and watched the grin spread across his face. It had taken me a while to get to this stage in our relationship. At sixty-six, not everything on my body is exactly where it should be. But George seems to like me just the way I am. �śThey want me to prove Chet did it,” I said. George shook his head. �śThose two families have been feuding since the beginning of time. But I never thought they’d start killing each other.” �śWhat do you know about Chet’s second cousin, Frank? He was at the range when Harry was killed.” �śHe’d steal from his own mother. He’s a bad apple.” Then George cocked his head and grinned at me. �śBlaze is going to have a fit when he finds out you’ve been hired by the Aho family to investigate.” �śWhat else is new?” I gave George a come-hither glance. �śCome here,” my man said. After that, I forgot all about Ahos and Hansons. � * � Being an investigator is a whole lot harder than it looks to the casual observer. First, we need to have the proper equipment, some of it very high tech with pages and pages of hard-to-understand instructions. And if we’re lucky, some of those instructions might actually be in English. And we have to know how to use the equipment in creative ways based on each individual case. Then we have to work with people we trust to help us carry out our missions. Finding trustworthy contacts isn’t easy, either. We also have to have well-developed intuition and a rock-solid understanding of human nature. Knowing what the other guy will do in any given situation is the key to a successful operation. I had the whole ball of wax. Right before dusk, I pulled out of my driveway with a knapsack filled with supplies. I made Fred stay home, which he didn’t like at all. But he has a bad habit of howling if I leave him in the truck, and I certainly didn’t want him tromping around in the woods with me tonight. This was close-up detailed work, and I couldn’t risk unexpected problems concerning my favorite canine. I stopped and picked up Kitty at her house. �śI should drive,” she said. �śWhat if Blaze sees you?” �śDon’t worry about it yet,” I answered. No way was that woman taking over until she absolutely had to. �śI’ll need you to take the driver’s seat once I’m on the move. You’ll have to keep a close eye out for trouble. Be prepared to cause a distraction, if necessary.” I filled her in on the way over to Chet Hanson’s. �śWe’re going to place a camera at Chet’s and another one at Frank’s,” I told her. �śThe cameras are those fancy expensive ones with streaming video.” �śI’m filled with ebullience,” Kitty said when I finished outlining the plan, trying to catch me up with one of her fancy words. �śWe’ll get you a laxative once we’re finished installing our surveillance equipment,” I said. Maybe that would get her worried about her pronunciation. Although I was pretty sure she’d said it right. Of course that was a wild guess, since no one in this area would use a dumb word like that in ordinary conversation, so how could we possibly know the exact way to say it? But Kitty tended to be right on, a fact that never failed to annoy me. I let it go because I was feeling pretty proud of my latest brainstorm to employ cameras. I’d borrowed two infrared deer trail scouting cameras from George after I’d weakened his resolve in the sauna. Normally, he doesn’t like to get involved in anything that puts me at odds with Blaze, but I really needed those cameras. They were just the thing for ongoing surveillance of both Chet and Frank Hanson. Here in the Michigan U.P., deer cameras are one of the most popular items a hunter can own. Sometimes we use them to find out what our kids are up to when we leave the house. But mostly we hook them up to trees to establish deer patterns before hunting season. Everybody does what they can to find out where the biggest racks are hanging out. Speaking of racks, Cora Mae was still with Chet. I saw her when I snuck past a window and took a peek inside. She and Chet were making out on the couch, and they didn’t come up for air. I could have walked right up and watched, that’s how involved they were in each other. It only took about five minutes to find a tamarack tree in the perfect location, strap on the camera, and get it rolling. Easy as that stupid cake my bossy son thought I should bake. Frank Hanson was another story. I should have known my luck wouldn’t hold much longer. Chet’s second cousin lives north of Stonely in a little cabin about the size of a hunting blind. I’ve seen bigger outhouses. To compensate, he has a great big satellite antennae on the roof to go along with a fifty-some inch television set he’d crammed inside his crackerbox living area. He also has forty acres behind the cabin that butt up to a state forest, so what he gave up in personal comfort inside, he made up for in total privacy and unlimited expanse of woodlands outside. I tiptoed past a rusted out Ford pickup truck and recognized it as one of the vehicles parked near the scene of the crime. But then I already knew that, since Chet had clued me in that Frank had been casing the rifle range. I crept along the side of the cabin, feeling a little nervous and sweaty. I cautiously slid an eyeball up to the edge of the window. Frank was inside cleaning his rifle, which seems to be the number one pastime with men in these parts. You can’t sit down in a bachelor’s house without getting sick with cooties from the dirt and built-up grime, but you can eat off the barrel of his gun. Frank’s head popped up like he’d heard me, which was impossible. I hadn’t made a sound. His gaze swung my way. I dropped to the ground and waited. Nothing. I was quickly becoming an experienced ground slider, so I tried to gulp without making a sound and inched along just like I’d had to do after breaking loose from the fence. I slowly made my way to the back of the cabin. Behind it, I only had a short crawl from the cabin to the treeline. I would have made it, too, if Frank hadn’t installed sensor lights. They popped on. And flooded the whole area with light. I froze. A bullet whizzed past, missing, but just barely. I felt the breeze on my face. The sound of the shot should have been Kitty’s cue to spring into action, which was the only reason I brought her along. I needed a big diversion and fast. In the meantime, hoping she was on the move, I lifted my body into a crouch, ran on all fours for the back of the cabin, made it in one piece, and flattened against it. Flattened, that is, as flat as a person can with a knapsack on her back. My heart thumped in my throat. Swallowing was an effort. I expected to hear my truck arriving any second now. Kitty would help me with a getaway. I still didn’t hear the familiar sound of an engine. Where the heck was Kitty? She’d parked close enough to hear the shot. Now what? Looking to my right, I noticed that Frank had added a porthole in the back corner of the cabin. That way he didn’t have to bother with fair sportsmanship. He could blast away from the comfort of his home, taking out game without having to work for it. Only, I didn’t like that his latest target was me. �śWho’s out there?” Frank called from the direction of the porthole. The tip of his rifle poked out. As always, I had several options. I could turn myself in to Frank and suffer the consequences, which wouldn’t be too severe, other than alerting the entire Hanson clan that I was up to something. Whatever lie I told Frank wouldn’t cut the mustard, and they’d start watching me. They’d be especially attentive if it was true that Chet had shot Harry. Then I might find myself in the same position, facedown at my kitchen table with my brains oozing slowly out of big bullet holes. Another option would be for Kitty to show up like she was supposed to. She could lob firecrackers at the front of the house to give me time to escape. But since that wasn’t happening, I decided on the last option. I had weapons, too. An investigator has to have a defense arsenal. Heck, every woman alive should have one if she wants to stay that way. I pulled out my trusty pepper spray. �śI know you’re hiding by the house,” he called out. �śWalk slowly into the light. I won’t shoot as long as you cooperate. Otherwise, I’m coming out there after you and you won’t like what I’ve going to give you.” Palming the spray, I dropped the knapsack quietly to the ground and edged toward the porthole. Once I was right next to it, my arm shot out like a flash of lightning. At the same time, my thumb pressed down firmly on the canister’s button. A blast of spray rocketed into Frank’s house. Then I turned, grabbed the knapsack, and ran as fast as I could. Based on the colorful language spewing from the porthole, I’d managed a direct hit. I couldn’t help grinning. � * � �śI haven’t been sleeping too well,” Kitty said as we disappeared into the night, my so-called partner behind the wheel. �śYou were sleeping just fine when I got back to the truck,” I said, totally disgusted. �śAnd slow down before you kill us. I can’t believe you fell asleep when you were supposed to be backing me up.” �śI said I was sorry.” �śAnd watch the road.” Kitty had a habit of driving with her head turned toward the person next to her. I haven’t figured out how she does that without running off the road. �śI’ll do anything to make it up to you,” she said next. �śOkay, fine, you can watch Frank’s house until morning,” I decided. �śAnd while you’re at it, you can figure out how to plant the camera.” �śHe’s not going anywhere.” �śHow do you know?” �śBecause I let the air out of his tires.” �śYou had time to let the air out of his tires and take a nap.” I considered zapping her with my stun gun. �śI did the air thing earlier. Even before you picked me up.” Kitty grinned in the dark, watching me instead of the road, but staying on the right side of the centerline. �śI’ve been partnering with you long enough to anticipate your every move.” �śThen you should have known I was eating dirt, dodging real bullets, and risking my life while you sawed wood. Here.” I plopped the knapsack between us. �śPlant the camera.” �śWhat’s the point anyway? Frank isn’t going to walk out into his backyard and confess.” �śIt’s a camera, Kitty, it doesn’t record voices. It records movement.” �śThen what’s the point?” She took a sharp corner at breakneck speed. �śIt’s where a good investigator starts. By knowing exactly what the mark is up to every minute of the day and night. And since some of us sleep on the job, we have to go with what we can trust through the night.” �śWhat’s the plan for tomorrow?” �śI’ll let you know tomorrow.” Which meant I had absolutely no idea. � * � Word For The Day WAXED (waksd) Treated with wax (ex. waxed paper); A process to remove unwanted hair; The act of being killed, usually because of a deal gone bad. � By morning, I’d put together a rough outline for the day – talk to Frank Hanson, since he was at the Aho shooting range when Harry died, ask the widow Diane a few questions, although I hadn’t compiled any yet and I’d have to tread softly, and track Chet’s actions around the time Harry bit the bullet. Before I got out of bed, while considering possible suspects, Fred rose from the floor and gave me my morning face wash. The smell of burnt coffee wafted from the front of the house. I adjusted my scarf and went to face the challenges and rewards of a new day. Sure enough, Grandma was up and ready to go a few rounds for kitchen domination. �śWhat do you need?” she said, blocking my path to the kitchen. �śCoffee,” I replied, pushing back, but only a little. Grandma doesn’t have much meat on her bones. She might be lippy, but she isn’t hippy. �śI’m making a new pot,” I said. �śThat one smells old.” �śI just made it. And get that dog out of here.” I glanced out the window. The guinea hens hadn’t arrived yet, so when Grandma went for her flyswatter, I let Fred out and gained temporary control of the kitchen. Grandma almost forgot herself and swatted me. After a fresh cup of coffee and one of Kitty’s doughnuts, I hit the road with my canine partner, leaving Grandma to plot her next overthrow. Blaze’s sheriff’s truck was parked in Diane Aho’s driveway. Since I still hadn’t had time to renew my temps, I blew right by and revised the order of my to-do list. After finding a place to tuck away my truck from Blaze’s view, Fred and I made our way through the trees between the Ahos and the Hansons Open land is plentiful in the U.P. Neighbors aren’t right on top of each other like they are in most places. Almost all of us own at least forty acres. Several hundred acres isn’t uncommon at all. We like our personal space. Enjoying the smell of fresh earth and the sounds of the woods, I passed a �śNo Hunting” sign that had been shot full of holes. A bluejay screeched overhead and dragonflies fluttered past. Summer is my favorite season in the U.P. Lots of sunshine, not too hot, a little breezy, just the right amount of rain. The only downside is bugs. I’d forgotten and left my scarf in the truck, so a gang of horseflies found out and targeted me for a blood feast. I had to keep flapping my arms over my head to keep them at bay. Then the no-see-ums struck. A cloud of them appeared out of nowhere, but I plowed right through, keeping my mouth shut so I wouldn’t swallow a bunch of them. No-see-ums are really tiny, but they have a big bite that itches just like a mosquito bite, only worse. Fred didn’t seem worried at all. He was too busy sniffing and marking. Besides, his thick coat of fur prevented them from getting through. Chet Hanson’s house came into view. I hung behind a big maple tree, watching until I was sure he wasn’t outside. Then I moved closer, stopped at the tamarack tree I’d selected for the best possible viewing, unstrapped the camera, and made my way out with at least some of my blood still flowing through my veins. Back where I left my truck, Kitty was waiting for me in her white Lincoln. What a beater that car was! She’d banged into more stuff than she’d missed. Mainly because she gets overly excited at times, and she doesn’t care that much about car appearances. �śHow did you find me?” I wanted to know. �śProcess of elimination.” Kitty had her head tightly wrapped in pin curls. If we passed anything with a magnetic field, she was gone for good. �śI’m about to check out what’s on the camera,” I said. �śHop in.” It took a few minutes to get it functioning correctly. And that was with the �śhelp” of an instruction booklet. Then we crowded in on Fred, who sat between us like he was waiting for the show to start, too. Since the camera only operated when it sensed motion, we didn’t have to sit through any long, empty, boring dead time. The first thing we saw was Cora Mae streaming at us. And she didn’t have any clothes on. Not a stitch. �śNot bad for her age,” Kitty pointed out as though she was an expert on fit, taut bodies. No way did either of us look like that. Of course, Cora Mae hadn’t had any children to mess up her figure. I vowed to start exercising more and eating less. Then here came Chet across the screen, butt naked too. �śWould you look at that!” Kitty couldn’t contain herself. She probably hasn’t seen a nude male body for years. If ever. She often boasts that she has her fun, but I haven’t seen signs of it. Me? I was totally disgusted, which is turning out to be a regular condition of mine. Nothing was going right in this case. All I had for my troubles was a close encounter with the business end of a rifle, courtesy of Frank Hanson, and a porno flick starring Cora Mae. All thanks to ineffective business partners who weren’t taking their jobs serious and should be fired for negligence. Live and on camera, Chet caught up with Cora Mae. I shut it off. �śDon’t stop it now,” Kitty said, trying to grab the camera from me. �śGive that thing to me.” �śWe can’t invade our friend’s privacy like that.” �śMaybe you can’t. But I don’t have a problem with it.” �śNo.” �śGive me that thingamabob,” Spelling Bee Kitty said. �śThis doohickey,” I said, holding the camera out of reach and one upping her with my vocabulary words, �śis off limits.” We wrestled a little until Fred growled in frustration. All I knew for sure was that I wanted to wax Cora Mae’s backend. � * � I decided on some tough love. �śWe happen to be working a case,” I said to Cora Mae when we all met up at my kitchen table. �śYou don’t get time off to lollygag, or I’ll find new partners.” �śHey,” Kitty said, when she saw my gaze shift to her. �śAre you talking about me, too?” �śYou fell asleep on the job!” �śI was working,” Cora Mae said. Kitty snorted. We hadn’t told Cora Mae about the camera yet. Grandma Johnson piped up and said, �śDelivery truck just pulled in. Maybe it’s my new pistol.” My mother-in-law used to have a handgun, but I confiscated it when she lost most of her eyesight along with a big chunk of her marbles. I sleep better knowing it isn’t in her hot, trigger-happy hands. Besides, the delivery turned out to be for me. I pocketed the new deputy sheriff badge and went to work unwrapping my new beanbag gun and ammo. As with everything, it had to be assembled, so I called George. While we waited for him to arrive we polished off a pot of coffee and the rest of Kitty’s doughnuts. Grandma took her share in spite of her crabbing about the amount of grease in them. �śAre you and Chet going together?” Kitty asked Cora Mae around bites of doughnut. �śWe haven’t had time to discuss it,” Cora Mae said. �śI bet.” Kitty snorted again. George showed up. The first question he had came after he looked at the picture on the box, �śIt this a riot gun?” he asked me. I assured him it wasn’t, although I was pretty sure it was. Once he had the thing assembled, we all went out in back of the house so I could test it, including Grandma Johnson who had never seen anything like it �śin all her born days.” �śWe need someone to volunteer to take a hit,” I said. George hooted. �śWho’d offer to do that?” he said. �śCora Mae might,” I said. �śNo, she really wouldn’t,” Cora Mae said. �śKitty?” I thought if anyone could withstand the test, she’d be the one, considering her size. �śI think I’ll pass,” she said. �śHit the dog,” Grandma suggested. George had an idea that made more sense than anything. �śLet’s just practice with a can on top of the fence,” he said. �śWhat you want to do, Gertie, is figure out its range so you know how close you should stand when the time comes, which has me a little concerned. Can you tell me one more time why you need this thing?” That was his second question. I hadn’t told him why in the first place, but I did now. �śJust another tool of the trade. I’ll probably never need it.” I couldn’t help noticing the big cheesy grin on his face as I loaded up the square beanbag bullets and beaded in on the empty coffee can he’d placed on top of the picket fence. From about twelve feet away, it wasn’t too accurate, curving like a bowling ball heading for the gutter. I missed by a long shot. �śMove up,” Kitty advised. �śThe closer, the better.” So I did. This time the beanbag bullet hit a little below the can, taking out that whole section of fence. �śOkay, then,” George said calmly. �śI have a suggestion in case you ever consider using this gun on a real human being.” �śWhat’s that?” I asked, pretty amazed at the power of the weapon in my hand. �śDon’t fire it at point blank range, or you’ll kill the guy.” �śHit the dog next,” Grandma hollered. * After that bit of excitement, my two partners took off to keep an eye on Chet Hanson. Cora Mae didn’t complain at all when I gave her that assignment. The beauty of this plan was that Cora Mae had already successfully infiltrated the suspect’s perimeter. At first, I hadn’t been so appreciative, but looking back, it was a smart move on her part. �śWe’ll feel around,” Cora Mae said, all rosy and twinkly. �śSee what we discover.” Kitty snorted again. �śWhat’s the matter with you?” Cora Mae asked her. �śWhy do you keep snorting every time I open my mouth?” �śNo reason. Let’s go,” Kitty said. A few minutes later they peeled out. Grandma stomped back to the house, muttering under her breath about dangerous fruitcakes with weapons of mass destruction. I gave George a big kiss, then went in and changed from a scarf into the blonde ponytail wig Cora Mae brought over for me. I felt like Sandra Dee. The wig would throw off Frank Hanson in case he’d gotten a good look at me last night. One thing going for me besides the wig was that I doubted Frank knew who I was. We didn’t travel in the same circles. His type showed up at the bars late and hung around until closing. My crowd liked to see the sunrise, so they did their drinking early, like in the late afternoon. My canine pal and I headed out. Frank Hanson was home. And his car’s tires really were flat as pancakes. I wish Kitty had talked to me before acting on impulse. Sure, we had him stuck at home where we didn’t have to worry about tracking him down, but if he had wheels he might lead us right to some evidence that would implicate him or Chet. �śI hear you were at Harry’s place yesterday when he was murdered,” I said after he answered the door. �śWhy do you care?” I flashed my deputy sheriff badge. �śI’m newly deputized. I have credentials. Blaze needs all the help he can get.” Which was completely true. My son isn’t exactly Columbo. Frank didn’t invite me in. Instead, he came out and closed the door behind him, which made me suspicious that he had something to hide. �śI already told my end of it,” he said, none too friendly. �śYou’ll have to tell it one more time. Where were you when it happened?” �śShooting at the range. At least I think that’s where I was. That’s my best guess, considering nobody said exactly when it happened. Shots were going off left and right. The one that hit him could have come before I even got there.” �śYour family had it in for him.” �śWho says?” �śYour cousin Chet Hanson says, that’s who.” Frank wasn’t giving up anything he didn’t have to. �śWhatever.” �śWhere was Chet while all this was going on?” �śYou’ll have to ask him. I’m not his keeper.” �śAnything else you want to tell me?” �śLast night somebody attacked me right here in my own home. I want to make a report. I was going to let it go, but since you’re here -” �śOh, okay.” So I went back to the truck and rummaged around for a scrap of paper and a pen for him to write his complaint. Then I had to hold a straight face while Frank bald-faced lied right there on the back of the grocery receipt. He had some of the facts right, the ones that helped his case, but he forgot to mention his own part. Like firing at me just for being in his yard. Not only that, I did not throw teargas into his house like he wrote down. When he finished, he said, �śYou should stop suspecting my family and take a good look at the Ahos. Especially that crazy wife of his.” �śI’ll take it under advisement,” I said, trying to sound as professional as possible. �śShe hated his guts.” I could have said that I know a lot of women who hate their husbands’ guts. That doesn’t mean they would take such drastic measures. Instead I said, �śIs that right?” �śShe’s been feeding him crappy for years, hoping he’d keel over with clogged arteries. Maybe she got tired of waiting.” Fred started howling from the truck. Once he gets going, it’s impossible to stop him. �śI’ve got to go,” I said. �śBy the way, you have a flat tire.” �śReally?” Frank glanced at his car. �śYou’re right, I do.” My ponytail bounced all the way back to my truck. � * � I was cruising down highway M35, minding my own business, when I spotted red lights flashing behind me. Blaze! I didn’t have time for this. You’d think my son would cut me some slack, appreciate me just a little bit more for all the help I give him. Instead he acts like I’m at the top of his most wanted list. I refused to pull over. Why should I? I hadn’t done anything wrong. He came alongside, making demands through that fancy PA he added to his siren. I could see him talking into the mic. �śPull over,” he hollered. �śThat’s a police order.” So I did, mainly to save him from smashing into some tree. I barely had time to hide the beanbag gun under the seat before he wrenched open my driver’s door, almost tearing it right off the hinges. �śWatch your blood pressure,” I advised him. �śYou get worked up too easily. Deep breaths.” �śWhat’s with you?” he yelled. �śNot an ounce of respect for the law.” �śI need to drive,” I said, realizing he was still on that stupid driving permit kick. �śIt’s part of my job.” �śThen get a license like everybody else.” �śThere you go, comparing me to everybody else again.” �śWhat’s that on your head?” Blaze finally noticed my cute new ponytail. �śPlease don’t tell me you’re running around in disguise.” I hadn’t thought of that, except to fool Frank, but I liked the idea. A new do, a new badge, life was good. My son must have read my mind and didn’t like what he read, because he actually banged his head on the hood of my truck. �śDon’t dent my truck,” I said. He stopped banging, but left his head where it was for a few seconds, then he raised up and said, �śI’m giving you one week to take care of this. If you haven’t by then, I’m impounding your vehicle until I see the proper paperwork. I’d put you in jail right this minute, but you’d drive me crazy.” �śFair enough,” I said. I wanted to tell him I was working the same case as he was, but I didn’t want to trigger another blood pressure spike. �śAny new leads on Harry Aho’s murder?” I asked now that the minor details were behind us. He headed for his cruiser, but paused. �śI’ve got some ideas.” �śCare to share?” �śNot really.” Okay, then, I could have predicted that answer. But at least I had bought some time, and he wouldn’t be pestering me about my driving. � * � �śDiane Aho never made any secret out of her feelings for her husband,” Kitty said when I found her and Cora Mae at their stakeout, eating fried chicken out of a bucket and acting like they were on a picnic. Besides having her mouth full most of the time, Kitty always had her ear to the grapevine. Not much got past her. �śI’m going over there right now to question her,” I said. �śYou are so cute in that wig,” Cora Mae said. Kitty rolled her eyeballs, like now she’d seen everything. Me? I couldn’t take my eyes off Kitty’s spy apparel. �śWhere did you find a camouflage housedress?” I asked, staring at her. She looked like a gigantic pile of leaves. �śOnline,” she said. �śI have one with fall colors too.” �śWill we still get paid?” Cora Mae asked, now that compliments were over. �śEven if Chet Hanson didn’t do it? Which I know he didn’t. He’s a very gentle man.” Images of a naked Chet stampeding after my friend, popped into my head. Gentle wasn’t an adjective I’d have used to describe him. But Cora Mae knows him way better than I do and I have to go with her assessment. I wasn’t sure of the answer to Cora Mae’s question. Would we get paid if Chet was innocent? �śWe’ll find out soon enough,” I guessed. �śI told Gus and Martin I’d look into it. We probably should commit one way or the other. I’ll stop and tell them we’ll take the case.” What’s next?” Kitty asked. �śI pointed out Frank’s flat tires to him. He hadn’t tried to go anyplace, but that might change soon. Why don’t you two watch him for awhile. I’ll reset the camera in Chet’s backyard and pay a little visit to Diane.” �śCamera?” Cora Mae sounded confused. �śWhat camera?” Kitty snorted. Even I was getting tired of listening to her make that sound. �śI’ll tell you all about it on the ride over to Frank’s,” Kitty said to her. �śAnd if you get a chance, set up the other camera over there like I asked you to do last night,” was the last thing I said before they took off. Fred insisted on going with me. No way was he waiting in the truck again. So I crept through the woods and replanted the camera while Fred tracked down a red tailed squirrel and ran it up a tree. Chet was easy. Next time I had to do Frank’s I was going to loop more in the trees. My mistake had been trying to sneak past the house. After taking care of the camera, I went over to visit Harry’s widow. Diane had put chains across the drive to discourage anybody who might think they could still go in and shoot up targets, so I had to walk into her house. Fred loped along, happy to be out and about and away from the hens and Grandma. Since he was a lifelong police dog, investigation is in his blood, and I’m proud that I’ve been able to give him some work on the side. Total retirement isn’t for either one of us. Diane was in the kitchen again, making me wonder if she was imprisoned there by some invisible chain I couldn’t see. She sat at the table eating a salad. Since I’ve developed an eye for detail, I noticed it was iceberg lettuce, two tiny tomatoes, no salad dressing. �śNo, thanks,” I said when she offered me part of her food. �śI just wanted to see how you were doing.” Diane shrugged. I sat down across from her. In the killing chair again. �śThat sure is rabbit food on your plate,” I piped up and said. Diane wasn’t exactly wispy. She had the build of a hardworking northern woman. �śI can eat different now that Harry’s gone.” �śHe liked more substantial fare?” �śHeart cloggers.” Frank had been at least partially right. Whether Diane hoped to kill Harry through his stomach, or if he demanded that she serve the stuff, remained to be seen. �śTell me about Harry’s quarrel with Chet Hanson,” I said. �śDoes this mean you’ve decided to work for my boys?” I nodded. �śThat’ll make them happy,” she said. �śI wasn’t there when Chet and Harry argued over the rifle range. Martin was. My sons can be impulsive. I tell you, I suspect Frank Hanson killed Harry, not Chet. But you think my boys will listen? They’re just like their father, get an idea in their heads, and they just won’t quit.” �śChet’s the one with the adjoining property. He must have been real mad,” I said. �śThey’d been battling it out ever since Harry applied for the rifle range permit. The Hansons got their way in the end. The shooting range isn’t going to reopen.” �śWe know where Frank was. Right here at the range. Any idea where Chet Hanson was when Harry died?” Diane looked up from her salad, which she had been picking at. Her gaze shifted over my head, to the window above the sink. �śWhy are you asking me where Chet Hanson was? It’s not my job to keep track of him.” �śYour family hired me to prove he did it. Any information you have would be helpful.” �śThat’s what you’re being paid to find out. If we knew, we wouldn’t need you.” I pressed on. �śWhere were you while all this was taking place?” That got her attention. �śMy boys hired you to get the goods on Chet Hanson, not come around accusing me.” �śNobody accused you of anything. I’m just gathering facts at this point. So tell me.” I half expected her to throw me out, but she surprised me by answering. �śAt the IGA,” she said. �śGrocery shopping.” I nodded and thought that over. I’d check out her alibi later. I had one last question for the time being. �śDo you really think Frank Hanson would commit murder for his cousin?” �śSecond cousin,” Diane corrected me. �śFamily sticks together.” What she said had some truth to it. Chet and Frank shared great-grandparents. That meant they had different parents and grandparents. The intricacies of blood relatives are an important part of our culture. Because the Finns and Swedes settled this territory, most of our residents are related somehow. First cousins, half-cousins, step-cousins, cousins once or twice removed, cousins-in-law. They all count as close family or extended family. �śWe’re assuming his death was the result of the feud over the shooting range,” I said. �śBut did Harry have any other issues? Anybody else he wasn’t getting along with who might have wanted him out of the way?” �śHarry got along with everybody.” That statement was as far from the truth as Diane could get. Even I knew that. Harry was a stubborn old coot and didn’t care who he walked all over. Starting a public rifle range right next to his neighbor’s land was only one example of some of the things he’d pulled. Right now we weren’t in the midst of an important hunting season but, knowing Harry, he would have kept the range open right into it and scared all the game into the next county. Not that I’m a big fan of sport hunting, but most of the locals count on wild game to make ends meet in this tough economy. �śWas he involved in any side businesses?” I asked Diane. She shook her head. �śNot that I know about.” � * � �śHarry wasn’t easy to get along with,” Kitty said when we met back at my kitchen table, which was turning out to be our headquarters in spite of the annoying kitchen elf. �śRemember when he ticked off everybody by dumping garbage in the Escanaba River?” �śOr the time he brought forty pounds of fireworks to a Fourth of July party,” Cora Mae said. �śAnd blew up Finley’s garage, then refused to pay for the damage.” I nodded, remembering those events. �śHe was mean to his kids,” Kitty said. �śThey were always running away.” �śThat has to be the ugliest dress I ever saw,” Grandma said to Kitty, apparently just noticing her camo tent dress. �śThank you,” Kitty said. �śIt’s supposed to be.” �śWhat’s that on your head?” Grandma said to me regarding my ponytail wig. �śYou look like a dog’s backend.” Grandma was making homemade noodles to go into a pot of soup brewing on the stove. Flour was everywhere. Pearl was helping her so at least I knew actual edible food was going into the pot. Grandma has been known to empty an entire bottle of vegetable oil into a soup thinking it was chicken stock. George watched the activity from a stool as far away as possible. He had flour all over his face in spite of his distance and an entertained expression on his face. I went over and gave him a peck on the cheek and wiped some of the flour away. �śI like the look,” he said, studying my head, then going on to tell a whopping lie. �śReminds me of Grease. You’re as hot as Olivia Newton-John.” �śBefore or after she transformed?” �śBoth,” my smart man said. �śHow is work going?” �śWe’re running in circles between the Johnsons and Ahos.” I plopped down in the mess. �śI’ll make coffee,” Kitty offered, moving toward the coffee pot. �śStay outta my kitchen,” Grandma snapped back with her false teeth clacking. She raised an uncooked noodle like she might throw it like a spear. �śI’ll make coffee,” Pearl said, realizing she was the only one on the right side of Grandma, in the trenches, fighting a battle as comrades in arms. �śEverybody is staying low,” I said, getting back to business. �śAll the Hansons are hanging at home, not doing a single suspicious thing.” Kitty nodded. �śI planted that other camera at Frank’s,” she said, waving her camo-covered arms. �śI floated into the back like leaves blowing in the wind.” Somehow I couldn’t picture a woman of Kitty’s size ever floating. Cora Mae said, �śI can’t believe you put a surveillance camera at Chet’s without telling me what was going on.” �śYou wouldn’t believe what we saw,” Kitty said to George. �śWhat did you see?” he wanted to know. �śNothing much,” Kitty said, �śAnd that’s an understatement.” George glanced at me. �śSo that’s why you borrowed my cameras? To spy on the Hansons?” Pearl piped up, �śSpeaking of Frank Hanson, I heard somebody’s making moonshine whisky back behind his property. �śSo?” Grandma said. Since she’s as old as dirt, she was around for prohibition. To her generation making alcohol wasn’t a big deal. �śHooch is good stuff.” That is one of Grandma’s terms for moonshine. Sometimes she calls it creek water, depending on quality. �śThis moonshiner is selling it though,” Pearl explained. �śAnd that makes it illegal. One hundred proof stuff. Total rot-gut, but he has a large network of buyers according to my sources. I bet the shiner is Frank Hanson.” �śLet’s get in on it,” Grandma said. �śI haven’t had good hooch for years.” �śWhere is the still?” I asked. Not that I cared much about a distilling operation going. I was into bigger things, like murder and who waxed Harry, but I couldn’t afford to overlook a single important detail. Pearl didn’t have any idea where the still was. But George did. �śProbably in the state forest. That way if it’s found, nobody gets arrested.” �śFrank’s place butts right up to the state forest,” I said. No wonder he hadn’t noticed his truck had flat tires. He was busy working across his property line in the dead of night. All he had to do was walk to work. The illegal moonshine business was what had him nervous enough to shoot at me just for being in his yard. That explained a few things. �śKitty,” I said. �śGo down to the IGA and make sure Diane Aho was buying groceries around the time Harry died.” �śYou suspect his widow?” George asked. �śWho knows at this point. But a good investigator eliminates suspects one at a time. After a while, only one person will be left standing.” �śI’m on it.” Kitty headed for the door. �śAnd change your clothes first,” I called out. �śAnd you,” I said to Cora Mae. �śGet back over to Chet’s and find out where he was when Harry took the hit.” �śI could bring it up,” she answered. �śSee where it goes.” �śAnd keep your clothes on this time.” �śYou took off your clothes?” George asked. It’s amazing what a man hears when he wants to. �śNever mind, George,” I said. �śA big tramp,” Grandma said to Pearl, right out loud while the two old bats launched noodles into the soup pot. Cora Mae heard, but chose to ignore them. �śWhat’s your plan?” she asked. I locked eyes with George. �śI have a few ideas of my own.” George grinned. � * � Later, long after dark, with a sky full of stars riding high above the treeline, I slithered through Frank’s woods on a one-woman surveillance mission. I could have waited for morning and recovered the camera, but my intuition was kicking in, and I never ignored it. Earlier, I hadn’t thought much about Frank’s bootlegging activities. But then I decided to check it out. Tomorrow Kitty would make her report on Diane, and Cora Mae was working over Chet right now in more ways than one. I wanted to bring something to the table, too. The most exciting thing to me was that my mark’s car was still parked where it had been earlier and, and judging by the lack of lights and activity, Frank wasn’t inside the house. He had to be out in the great beyond. The woods were teeming with critters, big and small, short and tall. I heard rustling close by, but didn’t see a thing. Then coyotes started howling to each other. A few twigs snapped as a further reminder that I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was. I didn’t expect trouble from any of our wild creatures. But the last thing I wanted to do was surprise one with bigger and sharper teeth than mine. Black bears liked to roam at night, and wolves had been spotted more than once in the vicinity. I felt my body tense and forced myself forward. I didn’t know the exact location of the line that separated Frank’s land from the state forest but after a certain amount of creeping deeper into the woods, I suspected I had left Frank’s acreage. He might be working tonight, brewing his hooch. I didn’t really care about Frank’s extracurricular activity. None of us did. Residents of the Michigan Upper Peninsula are united on our stance against government interference. If we want to drink alcohol that tastes like gasoline that rots out our guts, that’s our prerogative. Anyway, what I really needed was leverage. Frank needed an incentive to open up about what he knew and what he might have seen. The man was holding out. I needed a bargaining chip. This could be it. And I couldn’t discount him as a suspect, either. I heard something off to my right, up ahead, and it wasn’t an animal sound. More like a clanging of metals coming together. I crept on. Then I smelled something horribly foul. Disgustingly, incredibly awful, like rotten eggs that were past rotten and into putrid. Piles and piles of really rotten eggs. The smell was so overpowering, I switched to breathing out of my mouth. And in spite of the fumes, I couldn’t help feeling a little smug about my detective work. I’d done my homework ahead of time as any good investigator would. That meant I’d questioned Grandma Johnson in depth. And Grandma’s friend Pearl, too. Pearl cooperated better than Grandma and even confessed that her family once had their own illegal moonshine operation going. �śIt’s a mix of cornmeal,” Pearl had said, �śsugar and yeast with just the right amount of water. That’s why shiners like to work near water.” �śGood stuff,” Grandma Johnson said.�śWe used to buy it in canning jars.” Then Pearl warned me about the smell. �śYou can’t mistake it,” she said. Only, actually experiencing it was much worse than I had imagined. It had to be Frank’s hidden moonshine business, and that horrid smell had to be fermenting alcohol. I continued on, stepping lightly. More clattering. And low voices, which meant more than one moonshiner. Frank and who else? Then I spotted them in a clearing right next to a small creek, illuminated by a camping lantern. And they were surrounded by equipment that the federal government allows anyone to own as long as they don’t actually use it. The stars helped give me a good view of big oak barrels with hoses running from them into a large central metal canister. I’d found Frank’s still. Not only that, I was about to identify his partner, who at the moment had his back to me and was peeing into the creek. That’s one of my pet peeves--men urinating into bodies of water. Why are they so obsessed with polluting every single river and lake they get their hands on? Or in this case their extremities on? Marking their territory like a dog, that’s what. They ought to have to drink out that water after they’re done with it. Anyway, this guy had a full bladder, judging by how long he was taking. Frank was sitting next to the brew, looking off into the trees. I didn’t know how he stood the smell night after night, but figure he must have gotten used to it by now. Another observation from this investigator - they must have been sampling their own toxic firewater, because the guy at the stream was swaying in place, taking a step back, then abruptly righting himself before swaying again. When he turned around while zippering up I couldn’t believe my eyes. Gus Aho. Dead Harry Aho’s son. Making moonshine with a Hanson? Something wasn’t quite right about this scenario. I could feel it in my bones. And suddenly I didn’t feel all alone in the woods. Then a shot rang out, loud enough to shake the ground under my feet. Way too close for comfort. Worse, it came from right in front of me. And a split second later, Frank Hanson keeled over. � � * I hit the ground faster than the speeding bullet. My heart was pumping blood so fast I could hear it rushing through my body. I should have ordered a night vision man-killer weapon instead of a pansy beanbag gun, which I had been dumb enough to leave in the truck anyway. So, of course, it was totally useless to me the minute I really needed it. I flattened out, hoping the shooter hadn’t spotted me. Which would have been tough since everything about me was black – black pants, dark jacket, matching knit hat, charcoaled face. And I wasn’t wearing the blonde ponytail. At least I’d done something right. I stayed where I was, trying to listen for sound over the drumming of my overzealous heart. If I was next on the hit list, as long as I stayed flat on the ground the shooter would have to get up and come for me. When I heard rustling up ahead, I gulped and raised my head, surveying the scene. Frank had pitched over one of the barrels, taking it down with him. He wasn’t moving. Gus Aho was nowhere in sight. Then an enormous pile of leaves directly in front of me rose up from the ground like a volcanic eruption. It started moving off to my left. For a few seconds I thought I was losing my mind. Or the dark was playing tricks on me. Then I thought, Tornado! Only the wind blew lightly and the air didn’t smell like storm weather. The leaves kept moving away fast. I sprung up, not sure what to do. A fatal shot had come from that pile of debris, and I didn’t have matching fire power to protect myself. If I made any noise and the thing turned around, I was a dead woman. Next, it broke into a run, heading away from me. Since I was still alive, I deduced that my presence had gone undetected. I didn’t want to change that precious fact. I followed a little while, because that’s what investigators are supposed to do, but I was relieved when I realized I was alone in the woods. I’d lost the trail. Earlier, when I’d decided to use the classic investigator’s process of eliminating suspects one by one, I hadn’t meant removing each of them individually from the earth. But apparently somebody else thought that was a sound method. At the moment, the score for both sides was one and one. One Aho down. One Hanson down. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. That thought came much later after I got up the courage to make my way back to Frank’s house and place the emergency call from his phone. I remembered my deer camera just in the nick of time and retrieved it before the posse arrived. � * � Blaze wanted to negotiate. �śI’m willing to share information,” he said, hiking up his sheriff’s pants, which were riding dangerously low across his overextended stomach. We were standing in front of Frank’s house next to the car he’d never drive again. He’d never get around to fixing those flat tires now. For the record, my son has never, ever shown any desire to work with me. Ever. And now he was willing to share? That meant he had to be up to something. Or the lasting effects of his meningitis were taking a turn at that steering wheel inside his mind. Although he seemed lucid to me. �śOkay,” I said, swiping at the charcoal coating my face. Any lie I might concoct was going to seem mighty weak with that stuff all over it. I looked like a cat burglar. �śNegotiate away.” �śYou give me the whole truth,” he offered. �śAnd I won’t get mad. I won’t even threaten you.” �śThat’s the bargain? How pathetic.” �śWhat else do you want?” �śInformation. And an extension on my license situation, too.” �śTwo weeks to give me proof of registration instead of one.” �śBig deal. How about a month?” �śFine!” Judging by the color of his face, he was already getting worked up, and we hadn’t even begun. �śAnd I’m going to get information in return?” �śI could arrest you for withholding evidence in a murder investigation.” See, he was threatening me already. He whipped out a camera and took a picture of my stunned face. Then he showed it to me. �śYour mug shot,” he said. I have to say it was not one of my most photogenic grandmotherly photographs. I spilled. �śHarry Aho’s kids hired me to investigate Chet Hanson. They think he killed their dad. And since Frank Hanson was at the shooting range the day Harry died, I had Frank under surveillance. I didn’t expect bullets to fly. And I wish I could have helped Frank, but it was over before I knew it. And I couldn’t risk becoming a target too.” �śIt wouldn’t have mattered,” Blaze said. �śThat was a perfect head shot. Frank probably died instantly, never even knew what hit him.” �śIt might have had something to do with that moonshine business he was running.” I said. �śOr retribution.” �śOr that. The killer was a big pile of leaves.” �śI’d use stronger language than that to describe somebody who shoots people in the head.” As usual, Blaze already had it wrong. �śNo, a pile of leaves got up and ran away. It reminded me of Kitty’s new housedress.” Blaze sighed. �śI’ll make a note of it, but you’re stretching your credibility now.” �śI’m not giving you everything all at once. We’ll take turns. Your turn. Tell me something useful.” I watched his lips tighten. I’d raised the boy, I knew the signs. He wasn’t going to leak a thing. �śI’m working this case,” I added. �śWe need to stick together on the facts.” �śNo, Ma, I’m in charge, and this isn’t show and tell. Because of what happened here, I’m back to square one. Frank Hanson was my prime suspect in the Aho case.” �śYou’re not back to square one,” I said to him. �śIf Frank killed Harry, that case is closed. Now you’re after an Aho.” Frank really had been the perfect perp – opportunity, considering he was right there on the premises when Harry took the hit. He’d also had a rock solid longtime family feud motive and the means to plug his enemy. All those Hansons can shoot a dime off a fence post. Blaze muttered something to himself as he turned to go back inside Frank’s house. I called after him, keeping my tone neutral even though he hadn’t told me one single useful thing about either of the recent deaths. I couldn’t help feeling taken advantage of. �śWould you believe me if I told you that Gus Aho was out at the still with Frank when the shot was fired?” �śNo, I wouldn’t. Those two families have a long history of conflict. That’s just nuts talk.” �śFine then.” That’s how Blaze didn’t find out about Gus Aho being Frank’s partner from me. If the big buffoon wanted to play games, I held the world championship. He should know that by now. Although in regards to Gus, how did I know he was partnering with Frank. All I’d seen from him was a steady stream of urine and some unsteady posturing. And they hadn’t seemed to be arguing, which wasn’t typical of that bunch. My son had been a good cop at one time. And he’s still okay when all he has to do is deal with a couple local kids breaking into a deer camp and drinking up the booze. He handles these cases in his usual plodding way and sometimes even figures out who did it. But I had a business to run, and I was on the clock. I couldn’t waste my client’s money by lollygagging around. Anything I told Blaze would be used against me anyhow. Like the deer camera? Was what I’d done even legal? That’s also why I didn’t tell Blaze about lifting a notebook from a drawer in Frank Hanson’s kitchen. With a bit of luck it might turn out to be his moonshine distribution list, all his paying customers’ names written down in a little spiral notebook that fit into my pocket perfectly. � * � Word For The Day SHELLACK (shu lak) A sealant – varnish; To clobber an opponent in a sadistic way. � The next morning Grandma and I did the two-step in the kitchen after I let Fred outside. She was using a butter knife to scrape the black part from a piece of toast she’d burnt to a crisp. She wielded the knife like that might stop me. Right as she opened her trap to dish dirt at me, both of us heard a car pull in. While she snooped out the window, I managed to pour a cup of her muddy coffee. Kitty stomped into the house wearing a dress the color of the coffee in my cup. �śYou look like a big dirt bag,” Grandma said to her. �śShe means a bag of dirt,” I tried to explain, but it didn’t come out sounding any better. �śI heard what happened,” Kitty said, not even bothering to reply to Grandma’s dirt comment, which is the best way to handle her. �śIt’s all my fault for not keeping a better eye on you. Dang, you could have been killed out there.” �śI told her to button up,” Grandma said. I could tell by her eyes, this wasn’t going to be one of her better days. �śThe thermometer says it’s fifty below. But will she listen! No!” Kitty looked over at my mother-in-law, then at me. She shrugged, because she’d been around for some of Grandma’s other episodes. If this kept up, I’d get my way about that nursing home. Grandma went on crabbing about the snow and ice when anybody with the worst possible vision could tell it was a nice warm summer day. At her insistence, I helped Grandma into her winter coat and let her lean on me to get her boots on. Then I called Blaze and told him to stop by and check out what was happening. �śHere’s your broom,” I said, handing it to her. �śSweep the snow off the front porch.” �śHow come I have to do all the work around here?” she said, shuffling outside. �śOne day she’s sharp as a stick in the eye,” Kitty said. �śThe next she qualifies for the mental ward.” �śI don’t get it either.” I poured coffee for Kitty and while we went over business, I watched Grandma out the window to make sure she wasn’t hurting anybody or anything. Fred stood at a healthy distance from her, watching the broom swish. �śNobody remembers seeing Diane Aho at the IGA when Harry was killed,” Kitty informed me. �śThey know her by sight, right?” �ś’Course they do.” Those checkers and baggers down at the IGA knew everybody. �śThat’s interesting,” I said. Then I gave her the details of my surveillance mission. While I filled her in, Blaze pulled into the driveway and was having some kind of conversation with Grandma. �śThe camera behind Frank’s didn’t give me a thing,” I said, starting with the small stuff before moving on to the big stuff. �śIt showed Frank coming out of his house and walking past it toward the state forest, but I already knew that.” �śNobody was with him?” I shook my head. �śBut I saw the shooter in real live action.” Then I described what happened, finishing with the pile of leaves. �śThat was a ghillie suit,” she said, a lot of awe in her voice. �śIt’s like a monkey suit or a clown outfit, only with leaves. Snipers wear them to blend in.” �śThis one sure did. I almost ran right into it.” I watched Blaze help Grandma out of her winter coat. Then he took the broom and her arm, and brought her back inside. It wasn’t cold outside like Grandma thought, but I shivered anyway at how close I’d come to a bad end last night. �śYou go have a nice rest,” Blaze said to Grandma. And without putting up a fight, off she went to her room. �śShame on you,” he said to me. �śYou know how she is about having her own way,” I argued back. Which was true. I couldn’t have stopped her if I’d tried. �śHow could you let her do that?” Blaze helped himself to a cup of coffee. �śI’m not her keeper.” �śYes, you are.” �śShe can pack right now and move in with you.” That always shut him up. And this time was no exception. Why is it that certain people are so critical of everybody else when they don’t know the half of it? Blaze should walk in my shoes for a day or two. Then he’d understand. He sat down next to Kitty at the table and grimaced when he tasted the coffee. �śWelcome to my world,” I said, sitting down too. �śWhat I told you yesterday about working for the Hansons is classified information. Don’t spread it around. My clients wouldn’t appreciate it.” �śDiane’s alibi doesn’t check out,” Kitty said to Blaze in a senior moment, letting him know we were hard at work on the case. I sent her a warning glance, but it was too late to stop her. �śNobody at the IGA remembers seeing her.” Blaze looked from Kitty to me, thinking it over. His nostrils threatened to flare. Then he said, �śHow the hell are you getting people to talk to you? If a nosy biddy came around asking me questions that were none of her business, I’d tell her to get lost.” �śI resent that comment,” Kitty said. �śWelcome to my world,” I said to her, then to Blaze. �śYou do your job your way, we’ll do ours our way.” �śI suppose ordering you to stay out of this won’t work?” Blaze glanced at the kitchen counter. �śWhere are the doughnuts?” �śGone.” Kitty grinned. �śI made a new batch. I’ll drop some off.” �śGrandma wants hers heavier next time,” I couldn’t help saying, remembering her comments about sinkers. �śOkay. I can do that.” �śWhat’s your plan for the day?” I asked Blaze. �śYou should interrogate Diane, find out where she really was during that period of time when Harry was killed. And while you’re at it find out where she was last night.” My son raised his eyes to the ceiling. �śNow why would Diane Aho shoot her own husband, then turn around and gun down Frank Hanson?” �śThat’s a really good question. So find out. And talk to Gus, too. He knows something.” It might sound like I was leading Blaze right to the water, but I knew he would never drink from the well if I suggested it. Or at least, he’d hold off till he was about to keel over from dehydration first. Instead he’d go in an entirely different direction just to prove to himself that he was the boss of him. Today, Diane and Gus were all mine. �śBy the way,” I finished. �śThe killer wore a guerilla suit.” �śGhillie suit,” Kitty corrected. �śEither way, a pile of leaves really shellacked Frank.” � * � Kitty and I hit the road with Fred in his usual place in the middle. He’d eaten something nasty that didn’t agree with his digestive system, so we had to drive with the windows wide open. �śWhere is Cora Mae?” I asked Kitty. �śShacking up,” she said. �śAnd don’t you think I should be driving? What if Blaze sees you?” �śWe made a deal. He won’t bother me.” Just in time, too, because I didn’t want Kitty messing up my truck. �śCora Mae has a way of gravitating toward bad boys,” Kitty pointed out. �śShe’s dated a killer or two,” I agreed. �śSo my bet is that Chet Hanson killed Harry Aho.” �śI’m not so sure. The same person shellacked both Harry Aho and Frank Hanson,” I said, getting in my word for the second time in one day. �śIndubitably,” my know-it-all friend said. �śNo conundrum here,” I answered. �śAnd quit vaunting your vocabulary.” �śI’m not bragging.” �śYou are too.” �śI just think you should pick harder words to study. I mean, shellacking? Really?” I’ve never been able to figure out how Kitty gets a hold of the words I pick for my word of the day. I used to write them down on paper and thought she was finding them that way, but these days, they are all in my head. I don’t leave a trace of a clue for her to follow. �śShellacking,” she said with a snicker. �śThat is NOT my word for the day,” I lied. �śGetting back to business, I’m not convinced that Frank killed Harry. Although it sure does look like the Hansons were getting payback.” �śI took the liberty of calling the Ahos,” Kitty said. �śTo see if they still wanted us working on Chet. Martin said yes.” �śSame killer both times,” I announced. �śWhat makes you so sure there’s only one killer?” Kitty said over Fred’s head, rolling down her window a bit more. Fred turned and slurped her cheek. �śSame MO. Sneaking up on his victims, headshots, dead-on aim.” �śBut everybody around here is a good shot, and we’re all sneaky.” �śI just have a feeling it’s the same person.” �śThen we better find a connection between the Hansons and Ahos, other than their ongoing feud. The only thing that could possibly bring them together would be money.” �śYou’re a smart woman, Kitty.” By then we were at Chet’s place. Cora Mae came trotting out with a big satisfied smile on her face. We managed to cram her in between Fred and Kitty. Good thing she’s a little thing and doesn’t take up much space. �śWe want details,” Kitty said to her the minute the door was closed. �śAnd I don’t mean the personal stuff.” �śYou’ve had more of my personal information than you deserve,” Cora Mae said, putting some huff into her voice, but too content to really pull it off. �śI think I’m in love.” �śHe’s the killer for sure,” Kitty said to me. Cora Mae was my all-time best friend and, as I mentioned before, she was always scouting for possibilities, but I’d only heard her mention love the three times she’d actually married the guys. The black widow had her sights on a possible keeper. I hoped he’d already lived a long, full life for both of their sakes. And I also really hoped they didn’t spend their lives together communicating through prison bars. �śWe better find a different suspect,” I said. �śAnd fast.” �śI didn’t say I was in love for sure. But I might be.” Then I told Cora Mae about last night, which she’d already heard about when Blaze came early in the morning to inform Chet. But now she had my side of it, a whole lot more information than she’d had before. �śIt couldn’t have been Chet,” she said. �śAnd I told Blaze that. I’m Chet’s alibi.” �śAw, isn’t that sweet,” Kitty said. �śBet you’ve never been an alibi before.” �śBesides, he wouldn’t kill his own cousin,” Cora Mae said. �śSecond cousin,” Kitty corrected her. �śAnd he might have murdered him just for being in cahoots with an Aho.” �śBut I was with Chet the entire night.” I didn’t point out that Cora Mae slept like a hibernating she bear. Once she went to sleep, she was out for the night. A bomb couldn’t wake her. Instead I probed in a roundabout way, �śDid you two get any sleep last night?” Cora Mae grinned. �śA little.” �śAnd what about an alibi for when Harry was killed?” I wanted to know. �śDid you find out if your new honey has one?” �śI sure did. Chet was nowhere near the scene of the crime.” �śWell, then, where was he?” �śHe was at the IGA.” � * � While Kitty complained about how crowded the truck was and why couldn’t we drop Fred off at home, I headed for the IGA to follow up on where the heck everybody really was when Harry and Frank met their maker. At this point, the only one who had a solid alibi for at least one of the murders was Gus Aho, who I knew hadn’t shot Frank because he’d been peeing in the river at the time and had his hands full of something other than a killing machine. Besides, the shot came from in front of me, not anywhere near Gus. Kirby’s IGA is locally owned and operated just like all the IGAs and it’s been in the same family for three generations. Kirby isn’t around anymore. His grandkids take care of business and provide jobs for a lot of friends and neighbors and their kids. Marcy Linden was out in front of the store, standing behind a booth that was covered in red and white checkered oil cloth. I’d known Marcy my whole life. After all of us made the proper greetings and passed through the obvious weather observations, Marcy asked, �śDid you sign up for the Hometown Sweepstakes yet? You could win a thousand bucks. The winner will be announced on Sunday.” �śI better,” Cora Mae said, grabbing up a piece of paper and a pen and writing down her name. �śWrite the date, too,” Marcy advised. �śOne a day is all you get and you have to buy something. You’re going in to shop, right Cora Mae?” �śI need a few things,” she said, pushing the paper through a slit in a box. And with that, we lost our most problematic business partner to the hair and beauty aisle. Kitty signed up next. There’s something about freebies that has them running from all directions. Not to be left behind, I scribbled down my name and today’s date, gave it a kiss for luck, and stuffed it into the box along with the rest. �śIs that Gertie Johnson under that ponytail?” Marcy said, squinting at me. �śIt is,” I said. �śWell, I’ll be!” �śIsn’t she cute?” Cora Mae said. I cut to the chase. Since everybody in the whole county knew exactly when and where the two murders occurred, thanks to a pipeline better than anything you’d find in Alaska, I didn’t have to cover old ground with Marcy. Frank’s death occurred during the night, after the store closed, so I left him out of the equation for now. �śWere you working the booth when Harry Aho was murdered?” I asked, flashing my deputy sheriff badge for good measure. �śYou’re a deputy now? I though you and Blaze have personal issues.” �śI don’t know why you’d think that. I’m helping him. So were you working?” �śI was right here at this very spot when it happened,” Marcy said. �śDid you see Diane Aho at all?” Marcy squinted in thought. �śI saw Gus Aho. I even asked how his family was doing and he said everybody was fine.” She shook her head, sadly. �śAnd right then, at that exact minute, everybody was not fine.” Gus might be a river polluter, but now he was crossed off my suspect list. He’d had a legit alibi when his dad died. And I’d seen with my own eyes that he hadn’t shot Frank. �śWhat about Diane?” I asked again. �śThink. Did you see her?” Marcy wrinkled her brow, thinking. �śI�Śdon’t�Śthink�Śso.” That certainly wasn’t much of a concrete answer. �śDoes she usually sign up for the sweepstakes?” �śShe’s like everybody else. Nobody goes in the store without signing up. A thousand bucks is what draws them. Every last one.” Kitty was eyeing up the sweepstakes signup sheets like she wanted to sneak another one in. Marcy glanced at her and knit her brows as though she could read Kitty’s mind. So Kitty said, �śWhat about Chet Hanson? Did you see him?” �śNot that I recall.” �śDo you have a good recall?” I wanted to know. �śI hold my own.” Something jogged loose when I heard her say �śhold.” �śWho covers for you when you have to go to the bathroom?” �śWhoever happens to be on the clock and just standing around.” �śAnd when you go on breaks?” �śSame thing.” �śDid you have a break during that time? When Harry was killed?” Her eyes flitted around. �śI guess maybe I did.” �śHow long?” �śTen or fifteen minutes.” �śWho spotted you?” �śTara Kirby.” I studied the drawing box, even put an eye down to the slot and peered in. �śWhere are the entries for that day? Are they in here?” �śI keep everybody honest, don’t you worry about that,” Marcy said, shaking her head. I could hear smug righteousness in her tone. She slid a look at Kitty. �śSome people try to sneak in more than one, so I guard the box day and night. I even rubber band each day’s entries separately. I’ll put them all together for the actual drawing, of course.” �śAnd you’re sure they’re in a safe place?” I asked, feeling the beginning of a plan taking shape. Marcy bent down behind the booth and came up with a Folgers coffee can. �śThey sure are. I can keep a good eye on things.” Fred watched me from the truck, and I could tell he was considering whether to start howling or not. I heard him begin as I trotted into the IGA to buy a can of Folgers. He shut up again when I came out and stopped to chat it up with Marcy while Cora Mae and Kitty finished validating their sweepstakes by buying a few things. On the road again, I said, �śIt would be quite a coincidence if both Diane Aho and Chet Hanson came into the IGA while Marcy was away on her break.” �śIt’s possible,” Cora Mae said. �śChet wouldn’t lie.” Kitty’s eyes met mine. �śWe’d have to question everybody who worked during that time,” she said. �śIt’s doable.” �śI have a better idea,” I said, with a big grin. �śDiane swears she was at the IGA. It’s her alibi. Chet said the same thing. Marcy says everybody fills out an entry form. That includes Diane and Chet. If one of them wasn’t here after they used the IGA as an alibi, they’ll have some explaining to do.” �śSo what’s your better idea?” Cora Mae asked. I held up the coffee can I’d swapped out when Marcy wasn’t looking. �śI’ve got the entries.” Cora Mae gasped, then gave me a look like she couldn’t believe what she just saw, and how could I have been so underhanded? Kitty reached over and gave me a high-five. Two different people, two different perspectives. � * � I didn’t know how much time we had before Marcy discovered the switch. But if everything went according to plan, she’d never know. We blew down M35, heading for Kitty’s house. No way could we go to my house and let Grandma Johnson get a gander at the Hometown Sweepstakes entries. She’d blow us out of the water with her big mouth and snappy false teeth. Kitty lives in a dump. Not technically a dump, more like a dumping site. Kitty, along with several past owners, have trashed up her yard something awful. I suspect Kitty might be a certifiable hoarder. To make it worse, people drive by, think it really is a dumping ground, rush home, load up their junk, and add it to the heaps. But her house was closer than Cora Mae’s, and I wanted to get the entries back to the IGA as quick as I could. Kitty brushed aside all the stuff on her kitchen table while I popped open the Folgers lid. Just like Marcy said, they were in day order. Finding the right one was easy. We each took some entries and started going through them. �śHow did Grandma Johnson get her name in here four times?” I wanted to know. �śMaybe she’s friends with Marcy?” Cora Mae guessed. Kitty nodded. �śMaybe Marcy isn’t as honest as she says she is.” �śGrandma is the sneakiest woman I’ve ever known,” I said. Pretty soon it was apparent. Diane hadn’t filled out an entry. Neither had Chet. �śSo what?” Cora Mae said when I gave her a serious look. �śI bet lots of customers don’t sign up. And you know men? They get over-focused on one thing and don’t even see what else is going on around them.” �śOr�Ś,” Kitty said, �ś�ŚChet Hanson killed Harry Aho. And then an Aho killed Frank.” �śSo smarty-pants,” Cora Mae said, getting all defensive. �śIf it was revenge, and if Chet’s such a big, bad murderer, wouldn’t they want to kill Chet? Why Frank?” �śThere’s more to this than meets the eye,” I said, acting as mediator between my partners. �śLet’s get this coffee can back to the IGA. Kitty, you can put it back.” �śWhy me?” she said. �śMarcy already suspects me of cheating.” �śEither you can have that job, or you can fill in for Cora Mae and continue stalking Chet.” �śI’m not stalking him!” Cora Mae said. �śWhat are you going to be doing while I fix your problem?” Kitty asked me. �śI’ve got plenty on my plate. I’m going to interrogate those two Aho brothers. One of them ran away from a crime scene, and I want to know why. But first, I’ve got a little more investigating to do into this moonshine business.” Kitty crossed her arms in front of her and leaned away from the table. �śI’m not putting that can back, and that’s final. I’m not the one who stole it.” I sighed. �śFine. I’ll put it back. You can distract Marcy. Cora Mae, where’s your mark right now?” �śYou mean my man?” she said. �śChet’s in Escanaba picking up supplies. He won’t be back for a few hours.” �śWhen he gets back, stay on him.” Kitty snickered. � * Putting the can back turned out to be much harder than stealing it in the first place. Marcy straddled the dummy can I’d planted like she was guarding her virginity against a gang of rapists. And she frowned when she saw Kitty and me bearing down on her. Then she picked up the can and cradled it in her authoritarian arms. I had the real entry can in a monster purse I found at Kitty’s, one of those totes that are so popular with women who like to carry everything they own. �śOnce a day,” Marcy said sternly. �śI already told you that.” �śI have another question for you,” I said. �śWas my mother-in-law here the day Harry was shot?” �śI don’t recall seeing her. And I’d remember if that old bat�ŚI mean�Ś” �śI know what you mean,” I said. �śIt’s okay.” I looked back at my truck where Cora Mae was keeping Fred company, and wondered how I was going to switch the coffee cans. Right then, Blaze pulled up in his off-duty car, parked, came around the front of the car, and helped Grandma Johnson out of the passenger seat. I rushed up and said to my mother-in-law in a low voice, �śYou’ve been busted cheating at the drawing. How did you get four entries in without even showing your face?” �śI don’t know what you’re talking about,” Grandma said, but I could tell that she did. I glanced at Blaze. I decided to wait and talk to her in private. �śHow’s the investigation going?” I asked him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kitty, who had rushed into the IGA, come out and offer Marcy a candy bar she’d purchased inside the store. �śIt’s a tough case,” Blaze said. �śJust let me know if you want help,” I offered. �śGertie thinks I’m a cheat,” Grandma said to Marcy. Marcy gave me a look that said I shouldn’t pick on my elders, even if they are old bats. Grandma went on, �śWhy don’t you have my sheriff grandson keep all the entries you have so far. That way nobody can make unfounded charges or tamper with the records.” �śThat’s a good idea,” Marcy said, handing the coffee can to Blaze before taking the candy bar from Kitty. Kitty looked over at me and shrugged. �śI’ll lock it up in my sheriff’s office,” Blaze said. �śIt’ll be safe until Sunday.” �śI feel better already,” Marcy said. �śIt’s easy to tell who is honest”--she glanced at Grandma--�śand who isn’t”--then cast dagger eyes at Kitty. As an investigator, I have to be able to adapt to sudden, unexpected change. At first glance, having the coffee can in Blaze’s clutches might seem like a really bad idea, but in reality it simplified my work. Not only do I have a key to his office, but I know exactly where he’ll stash it. �śWe’re done here,” I said, slinging the heavy tote onto my other shoulder. � � * � Why would Chet kill his cousin Frank and Harry Aho? Or why in the world would Diane kill her husband and Frank Hanson? It just didn’t make sense. I could picture her murdering Harry if she hated him enough. But Frank? Besides, Diane was such a mousy woman, and I don’t mean in a small built way. It’s her passive personality that would hold her back. She couldn’t possible have been the leaf-wearing murderer I witnessed in the woods. On the other hand, I could see Chet as a big pile of deadly leaves. I had to remind myself that things aren’t always what they seem. Never one to put all my eggs in one basket, our next step was to track down a few names in Frank’s moonshine notebook. See if we could find the link between Frank and Gus, or between Frank and Harry. We left to start investigation Frank’s customers. Walter Laakso was first on the list. Cora Mae has issues with Walter’s cleaning abilities, not to mention his unorthodox way of welcoming guests, so I dropped her at home first to spruce up for Chet. I knew Walter well enough, having used his camping trailer to hide out a few times. He would talk to me. So Kitty, Fred, and I bounced down his pothole road, and as usual he came flying out of his house, shotgun loaded and ready. But he didn’t scare me like he used to. �śIt’s Gertie Johnson,” I said, letting Fred out of the truck to explore. �śAnd my business partner, Kitty. Put the gun away and put the coffee on.” And, as usual, Walter managed to pour whiskey in with the coffee before I could stop him. A blast of fumes hit me when I raised the cup to my lips. I only pretended to taste the brew. �śThat’s good coffee, Walter,” I lied �śA touch of moonshine spruces it up.” Walter chuckled. �śYou like it?” �śA lot.” �śMe too,” Kitty said, taking a healthy mouthful and really meaning it. We talked about the weather, how it was warm and sunny but we needed rain. If it had been raining, we’d point that out, too, and mention needing some dry weather. It was standard U.P. small talk. Then I asked, �śFrank Hanson had a moonshine business. Your name is at the top of his list.” �śWhat do you mean �Śhad a business’?” �śHe’s dead.” �śI didn’t know.” �śYou need to get out more, Walter.” �śWhat happened to him?” �śShot in the head. Same as Harry Aho.” We sipped our coffees, thinking that over. A drop of whiskey slid past my fake drink and down my throat, almost burning a hole in my esophagus. How could Kitty stand the stuff? She took several more swigs. Walter said, �śI wasn’t getting my moonshine from Frank.” �śYou were on the list.” �śLet me see this so-called list.” I dug the proof out of my pocket and handed it over. Kitty helped herself to more coffee and flavoring, while Walter paged through the notebook. �śThis isn’t a moonshine list,” he finally said. �śIt’s his address book. I’m in it because we play cards together. This page--” he held it out so I could see, �ś--is the card group. As far as I know, Frank isn’t in the moonshine business.” I couldn’t believe I’d made a mistake with the address list. �śSo who is in the business? Who do you buy from?” Walter studied me. �śThis is between you and me,” I said. He glanced at Kitty. �śAnd Kitty,” I added. �śYou’re good people,” he acknowledged. �śAnd Kitty here is quite the looker.” Which was Walter’s way of saying he thought Kitty was a hot babe. She gave him a wide smile, then took a sip of her coffee, locking eyes with him. That woman never ceases to amaze me. �śSo who are you buying your moonshine from?” I waited for him to drop a name. �śGus Aho,” Walter said. Gus Aho sure was getting around. He’d hired me to prove Chet was his dad’s killer, he’d been at the scene of Frank’s murder, and now he was the real moonshiner. For a lazy guy, and one with a rock solid alibi, he sure was making fast tracks. My intuition told me he knew something. It was time to put the screws to him. Make him sing like a bird. * � From an interrogator’s point of view, the younger the person, the easier they are to pump for information. Mainly, because they haven’t figured out how devious other people can be. And they don’t look for hidden motives in our questions. Plus, if they’re trying to hide something, they always think they�Śre smarter than just about anybody and can outwit us. They can’t. I found Gus down at Herb’s Bar, the only local waterhole in Stonely. Herb’s is owned by my nephews, Red and Ed. They don’t mind if Fred comes in. He went off in search of pizza crumbs. Just my luck, Gus had had one too many. �śYou got Chet Hanson nailed yet?; �śAlmost.” I perched on a stool next to him, then greeted Red and ordered a pop. �śThat’s good to hear.” �śI think you can help pound a few nails in his coffin, so I have a few questions.” �śShoot,” Gus said, stopping to take a long swig from his beer. I didn’t want to start out by asking why he was on the scene when Frank was killed, which might potentially alienate him, so I started small. �śGrandma and her friend Pearl are looking for some moonshine. Old time’s sake. You know how old people get?” �śSo?” �śSo, I heard you’re the man?” �śI can help you with that,” Gus said. �śHow much does she want?” �śJust a little.” �śI have some in my truck.” That pretty much told me that Walter’s information was right on. Not that I really doubted him. Walter wouldn’t be wrong about a source of powerful alcohol. �śGood,” I said. �śGrandma will like that. Next, I’m tracking down a few loose ends regarding Chet Hanson’s whereabouts. He said he was at the IGA when your dad died.” �śThat lying�Ś” �śSo he wasn’t? You know that for a fact?” �śFor a fact.” Gus tried to thump his chest with his thumb, but missed and hit his arm. �śI was at the IGA. He wasn’t anywhere near there.” �śYou can prove you were there?” Marcy had already confirmed that fact, but I wanted to keep him talking. �śYou know how it is when you go to the IGA,” he said �śI ran into lots of friends. And I had business to take care of, so I hung around longer than usual. Ask anybody. That murdering Hanson never came around.” �śGive this thirsty man another beer,” I called out to Ed. �śIt’s on me.” Then to Gus, �śWhat kind of business?” �śMy ma asked me to put in for that sweepstakes�Śoh, crap, I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody.” Gus leaned back on the stool, looking sheepish. An investigator has to think fast. I knew Gus had been at the store. But if my memory served me, he hadn’t even filled out an entry for himself, let alone anybody else in his family. �śInvestigators,” I lied, �śare bound by a strict ethics code. Just like attorneys. I can’t repeat anything you tell me.” Gus looked relieved. �śMe and my big mouth.” �śTell me the rest. It might help against Chet.” �śI don’t see how. Ma just asked me to sneak in a few sweepstakes entries on the QT.” �śFor her?” �śAnd a friend.” Since I hadn’t seen an entry for Diane Aho, something must have gone wrong. �śI had access to the entry box,” I said, which was the truth. �śI didn’t see an entry for your mother.” Gus looked blank. Then he dug around in his pockets for awhile and came up with a crumpled piece of paper. �śOh, man. I forgot to put hers in. Don’t tell her, okay?” �śI won’t.” I took a drink of my pop. �śWe’ll get back to that. Somebody said you were with Frank when he took that bullet.” �śWho said that?” Now Gus was angry, his face getting puffy and flushed. �śCan’t remember. Probably just a rumor, right?” �śThat’s right.” Gus clamped his mouth in a hard line. �śWell, I better get back to work and earn my pay.” I stood up, called out a goodbye to Red and Ed, who were down at the other end of the bar, rounded up Fred, and walked to the door. Then I turned. �śAbout that beverage in your truck.” �śOh, yeah.” We walked out to his truck. I waited while he furtively slid in. I heard the clinking and clanking of bottles. His truck must be like a traveling liquor store. He came out carrying a quart sized canning jar. �śIt’s on me,” he said. �śAfter what you’re doing for the family and all.” I took off for my own truck, then turned to use my best Columbo impression. �śI almost forgot to ask you,” I said, �śwho your mom’s friend was, the one you were helping with entries.” �śHunh?” Gus said. �śYou only had one entry in that pocket of yours, and you said you were also helping a friend. You must have snuck that one in?” �śAt least I got that part right. I just don’t understand how I missed Mom’s. Anyway, I put in a handful for her friend. But I shouldn’t tell you about that.” �śYour secret will go to the grave with me. I promise. So who was the friend?” �śYou aren’t going to like it.” �śTry me.” �śIda Johnson.” � * � Ida Johnson? My old-lady-smelling, serpent-tongued, dog-hating mother-in-law? So that’s how Grandma got four entries into the sweepstakes box without setting foot in the store. But wait a minute, she never was, and isn’t now Diane Aho’s friend. I know her friends. She doesn’t have any, except for a few other ancient women who attend funerals together. And Pearl. Why was Diane doing Grandma’s dirty work? I didn’t know which one to talk to first. After pondering my next move, I drove over to Diane’s place, but no one was home. Being a thorough detective, I had to at least rattle the locked door. Then, realizing it was getting late and I was hungry, I drove home and helped Fred make it to the house without any hen-pecking. I went through the house hunting for Grandma, then remembered she had mentioned a funeral over in Perkins. After a leftover pasty doused in ketchup, I stripped down in the sauna and leaned back to soak in the heat. That’s where George found me. Soon after that, I forgot about the case. What case? � * � Word For The Day MERCURIAL (murk er ē all) containing the element mercury; relating to the god Mercury; Or the planet Mercury; prone to sudden unpredictable change. � One of my first thoughts the next morning was, how come George and I have to sneak around? I’m sixty-six years old, for cripes sake. Don’t I deserve some privacy? Sure the sauna is smoking hot in more ways than one, but my bed is even better. And sure we can go over to George’s house, and that’s great too. But I feel like I’m in high school and Grandma is my mother, God rest my real mother’s kind soul. I should be begging forgiveness for even comparing the two women in the same breath. �śWhere were you?” Grandma snapped at me while guarding the stupid kitchen. I’ll tell you, I woke up crabby, and my mother-in-law better not try to keep me from my coffee. �śNone of your business,” I snapped right back, pushing through her wimpy line of defense. I didn’t even try that dishwater she called coffee. I started a fresh pot. �śStill bald, I see.” I hurried back to my room, jammed the ponytail wig on my head, and started over. �śYou could be nicer,” I said, wasting my breath. �śSomebody got up on the wrong side of the bed,” Grandma said. �śAnd somebody else is a big cheat.” �śAre you addressing me with that tone of voice?” Grandma shuffled over to the table, acting feebler than she really was just to play on my sympathies. She didn’t fool me one bit. I didn’t let her old-lady act stop me. �śI know what you did, talking Diane Aho into helping you cheat on the IGA sweepstakes. You, of all people! You should be ashamed!” �śDon’t you talk to me that way,” Grandma said, wrapping her hands around her coffee cup and glaring at me. �śAnd Diane Aho is a blabbermouth. We had an agreement. She promised me she’d help me win, and I need that money bad.” Okay, that last part surprised me. Grandma didn’t need much money. She mooched off of me for her room and board and collected her social security to spend like it was an expense-free bonus. Grandma went on, �śI wasn’t going to tell you, but Pearl and I went to the casino and I lost my drawers at black jack.” �śBlack jack is a dealer’s game, you know that. You might as well have flushed it down the toilet.” Grandma sucked on her teeth. �śDiane watched me play the whole time. Afterwards she offered to help me get back on my feet by winning the sweepstakes. So she gave me a bunch of entries and I filled them out.” �śFour of them?” Grandma squirmed. �śMore like forty. We wanted to make sure. We’re doing some every day.” I couldn’t believe it. After all the flak I’ve taken from my mother-in-law regarding my own shady deals, and I’d caught her red-handed being just as bad or worse. �śAnd why would Diane Aho do that for you?” Grandma really squirmed now. �śNo reason. Being neighborly.” I watched Fred lope across the yard toward the house, looking carefree and happy. At least someone was. The guineas must have found someone else to harass for the moment. �śI’m turning you in to the authorities,” I bluffed. �śNo you’re not. Because if you do, I’ll make you pay. And you know I’ll do it, too.” Grandma had made me pay plenty in the past, so I knew she wasn’t making an idle threat. �śTell me anyway,” I said. �śThe scheme is over.” �śFine. But you can’t use it against me.” �śOkay,” I lied. �śShe said I’d owe her a favor. Then she called and said all I had to do was say I saw her at the IGA at a particular time.” Bingo! �śAnd what particular time would that have been?” Grandma’s eyes grew shifty, but then they caught mine, and my eyes said I meant business and don’t even think of making something up. �śThat morning her husband was killed.” �śAnd you never stopped to think she might have a reason for asking you to lie?” �śI didn’t lie.” �śYou really saw her there?” �śWell, no, but I didn’t lie, yet. She’s already told Blaze about seeing me. All I have to do is go along with it. A deal is a deal and I’m following through. If I don’t win, that’s another matter.” Blaze might not be the best cop in the world, but I had trouble believing he hadn’t already substantiated Diane’s alibi. Grandma was losing it. �śYou’ll be an accessory to murder,” I told her. �śShe didn’t kill Harry.” �śAnd you know this because?” �śShe said you were snooping around trying to pin his death on her, and I know how you get, like that vicious wolf-dog outside, tearing into innocent people, never letting go until you bring them down. That’s what you were doing to that poor grieving widow.” I rolled my eyeballs to the ceiling and took several deep breaths. �śShe isn’t poor and she isn’t grieving. Stay away from her.” With that, I prepared to tackle the day. Diane Aho wouldn’t have roped Grandma in if she wasn’t desperate. She’d murdered her husband in cold blood, and she was using Grandma as a pawn. But how to prove it? I wanted more than Grandma’s testimony. Her M.O. was to be lucid one day and out-to-lunch the next. Diane should have picked a different accomplice. Or maybe that’s why she picked her. For that exact reason. � * � Diane and I sat in the kitchen. This time she was in the death seat instead of me. Fred had his nose pressed against the screen door to watch my back. �śWe documented Chet Hanson’s every move like Gus and Martin asked us to,” I said, handing her several sheets of paper, which she read through while I waited. �śCora Mae?” she said, staring at me. �śChet is seeing Cora Mae?” I hated to release names of my partners, although almost everybody in town must know that Cora Mae and Kitty work with me. We travel together in the Trouble Buster truck. It wouldn’t take much to find out. That is, if a person was paying attention. �śThey’ve been getting cozy,” I said, deciding to keep her mission a secret. Diane continued to study the sheets, then she put them down and addressed me. �śYou don’t have a single lead,” she said. �śWe’re close.” Diane leaned across the table, �śYou’re fired.” �śThings are heating up,” I said. �śMaybe in Hanson’s bed, but that’s about it. You’re still fired.” �śOkay, then, I’ll bill you for our work up until today.” �śGood luck with that.” Please not another no-pay. �śHow about chickens?” I said. �śOr manicures?” Looking down at her hands and nails, I realized that wasn’t going to be an option. �śYou can go now,” Diane said, dismissing me. I pressed on. Since I was just fired, I didn’t have to hold back out of respect for my employer. �śBefore I go, I have a few questions for you.” Did I ever have questions for her! Like, where were you really when your husband was murdered? I could have said, because your IGA alibi went swirling down the toilet, thanks to your son and my mother-in-law. It’s your own fault for soliciting help from a drunk and a dementia patient. �śMaybe Chet Hanson didn’t do it,” I said instead. Diane stood up. �śWe’re done here.” �śNot quite yet,” I stood up too.”There’s the issue of your alibi.” Diane Aho always struck me as an average-sized woman, but when we stood head to head, or rather my nose to her boobs, I realized that once the woman was out of her apron and away from the stove, she seemed to grow in stature. And attitude. Right now she wasn’t one bit mousy. I flipped out my deputy credentials. Then she flipped my arm behind my back and escorted me out the door. Where I stood, rumpled, wondering where Fred was when I needed him. And convinced that I had finally nailed our killer. Fred came around a corner sniffing the ground. �śAbout time,” I said. � * � Cora Mae is a late riser, and at the moment I didn’t know if she was sleeping at home or Chet’s house, so I headed for Kitty’s. Blaze came tooling down M35 toward me, so I swerved over in front of him to have a chat. His reflexes could use some work. He almost didn’t stop. �śMa!” he yelled scrambling out of his vehicle. �śWhat the hell are you doing?” �śLetting you know I need to talk.” �śYou almost hit me head-on.” �śNonsense.” How in the world did I give birth to such an anal individual? �śYou have to go over to Diane Aho’s house and arrest her. She killed her husband and maybe Frank Hanson.” �śWhat are you talking about?” �śHer IGA alibi fell through.” �śAnd how do you know that?” he asked. �śAnd why are you interfering in police business again?” By now I had my hands on my hips and my Blublockers on top of my head so he could see the glare I’d perfected when I started this business. �śDiane wasn’t at the IGA,” I said through gritted teeth. �śHave you tried to verify her alibi?” �śOf course. Maybe if you didn’t treat me like some kind of bumbling idiot and show a little respect--” I interrupted. �śSo, did her alibi check out?” �śIt did. Right from the start. Grandma ran into Diane at the IGA, and they had a long conversation. And it was right during the shooting. So there.” �śShe told you this when?” �śThe same day Harry died.” That big liar. She’d just told me she hadn’t lied yet. She’d lied about lying! �śGrandma is lying through her false teeth, and so is the widow Aho.” �śGet your truck out of my way.” � * � �śBlaze doesn’t believe a thing I tell him,” I crabbed to Kitty after bringing her up to speed. �śAnd Diane fired us for incompetence. And Grandma is collaborating with the killer. The only one getting anything out of all this is Cora Mae.” �śI finished up one of my online law classes, so I’m that much closer to a degree,” Kitty said brightly, pouring coffee for me. �śAnd I have more info on Diane Aho, something that might show she had it in her to off both Harry and Frank.” �śMake my day,” I said. �śPlease.” �śShe goes to boot camp.” �śDiane is in the military? Kitty laughed. �śNo, she does a boot camp exercise class. It’s sort of like real boot camp because you do drills, like jumping jacks and push-ups and running miles while somebody yells at you.” �śWho would volunteer for a thing like that?” Kitty looked shrewd. �śSomeone who wants strength and speed and stealth.” More lightbulbs went on in my head. If this kept up, I’d be blinded by the light. �śShe could easily have killed Frank then. And she’d know about guerilla suits.” �śGhillie suits,” Kitty corrected me. �śThis whole thing is getting more mercurial by the moment,” I said, testing the word-of-the-day waters and finding them a bit murky. �śGood one,” Kitty said, showing approval for my word. Then I gave her today’s assignment. �śFind out where she goes to camp and when the next class is.” �śIt’s in Escanaba. And there is a class today.” �śGuess who’s going to boot camp?” Kitty stared at me. �śYou?” I shook my head. �śNot even close.” Then I gave Kitty the once-over. She’d never survive a senior citizen workout, let along boot camp. �śDon’t actually exercise,” I advised her. �śThis is a fact gathering mission only.” �śGotcha.” �śAnd while you’re there, work on a motive. Keep asking yourself why she would kill her husband.” I headed for the door. �śOh, and one more thing, find out if that boot camp owns any of those guerilla suits.” � * � Cora Mae was in her own bed, sound asleep. I woke her up, fed her a few cups of coffee and put a question to her. �śWho was Chet going with before you came into the picture?” �śWe don’t talk about our pasts,” she said, looking sexy in some kind of silk black thingee. While most of us wear T-shirts or flannel to bed, Cora Mae is always ready for action. �śWhy haven’t you discussed it? Aren’t you interested in what came before?” �śFirst of all, there hasn’t been much talking going on. Second of all, I’m more interested in not telling what came before him.” �śSo you think if you bring it up, you’ll have to share, too?” �śExactly.” �śDo you have a clue? Any clue at all? Pictures? A casual comment made in passing? Intuition?” �śNot really.” I gave her today’s assignment. �śFind out every single female he came in contact with in the last few months. Send him out on an errand and search his place.” �śDo I have to?” Some partner, always whining. �śOr you can trade with Kitty. She’s tailing Diane at an exercise program called boot camp.” �śI’ll try to find out.” � * � Martin Aho, brother to Gus, son to Diane and the deceased Harry, worked at a lumberyard in Escanaba. Sawmills from olden times are long gone, right with trees the size of which we’ve never seen since. In the old days, floating sawmills and logging camps kept our ancestors from starving to death. Today, we still like our hardwood. Taking M35, I drove along the bluff overlooking Gladstone, then along scenic Lake Michigan into Escanaba and parked the truck in the visitor’s lot. Martin was climbing into an enormous logging truck right as I walked up. He recognized me and hopped back down. �śI’m following up on a few leads,” I explained, making stuff up as I went along. �śAnd I need you to substantiate some claims and fill in some details. Gus said you and he were going to continue running your dad’s moonshine business over in the state park.” �śThat’s nothing new,” Martin said, growing wary. �śThe sheriff knows all about it, and he looks the other way.” �śDon’t we all when it comes to homemade liquor?” I said to reassure him. �śI’m not complaining one bit. What you do is your business. But Frank Hanson was in on it too. Right?” Martin didn’t say anything for a minute. Then, �śGus told you that?” I nodded, even though Gus hadn’t. �śIt really surprised me.” �śI don’t know why Gus would say a thing like that.” Martin leaned against the semi. �śHansons and Ahos don’t do business together.” �śYou aren’t making my job any easier by being evasive. I know Frank was in communication with you or your brother or both.” �śAll I have is what Gus told me.” �śAnd that was?” �śFrank said he had information about the person who killed our dad. And he was willing to share the name for a fee.” �śDid he see it happen?” Martin shrugged. �śHe was a creep. You couldn’t believe a thing that came out of his mouth.” I studied Martin’s big, sturdy frame. �śMaybe you shot him in retaliation.” �śWhoa there!” Martin put his hands up in the air like I was drawing on him. �śNothing of the sort. I already went over this with the sheriff and he checked out my whereabouts. I’m clean.” �śI suppose Ida Johnson vouched for you.” �śHunh?” �śNever mind. Your mom fired the Trouble Busters.” �śDid you prove that Chet Hanson did it?” �śNot yet.” �śThen I guess you ran out of time.” He climbed back into his truck. I stood watching him pull out, shifting through all those gears, and while I did that, I had a few choice thoughts about my son. Martin had an alibi. If Blaze had shared information with me like he should, I wouldn’t be wasting all this time retracing his steps. Before Fred and I took off in my truck, I made sure the bean bag gun was fully loaded and operational. Then I tucked it under my seat where it would be handy if I needed it. � * � �śYou’re cracking up,” I said into the cell phone, the one that everybody but me thought I should own. I’m a technically challenged adult, I tried to tell them. Most of the time, I don’t even turn it on unless I need it. Unless I’m in the middle of an investigation, like now. �śCan you hear me,” Cora Mae said. I pulled off the road because that’s what you have to do in the Michigan Upper Peninsula if you want to stay connected. �śThat’s better.” �śI sent Chet to pick up Kitty,” she said. �śWhy does she need to be picked up?” �śShe went to that boot camp you sent her to and ended up on the ground, passed out cold. I can’t believe you sent her off to do such a thing, considering her size.” �śI specifically told her not to exercise. Besides, you had a chance to trade. Is she okay?” �śOne of the drill sergeants was a nurse. He checked her out. She’s fine, but he advised her not to drive right away. Chet will take her home, get her settled, and stop at the store for me. I searched his house like you asked me to. And guess what? I found something.” �śWhat?” �śA purple umbrella.” �śA purple umbrella?” �śThat’s what I said.” �śI was expecting love letters, or pictures buried in his underwear drawer, or hot dates written on his calendar. Or panties.” �śI found panties inside the umbrella!” This was getting stranger by the minute. Here I was, sitting on the side of M35 with people I knew driving past and waving, all of them understanding exactly why I was parked. We’ve all been here, done this. At least those of us who have been forced to carry a cell phone. �śA purple umbrella with panties inside is a good start,” I told her. �śBut it doesn’t give us the next lead. And we don’t have fancy DNA equipment.” Although that was a thought. I wonder how much it would cost for a machine. �śThere were initials engraved in the umbrella handle,” Cora Mae announced. �śAre you ready?” �śCora Mae, I’ve been ready for awhile now!” �śThe initials are D.A.” Diane Aho! �śAre you thinking what I’m thinking?” I said. �śYou mean that Diane Aho had an affair with my Chet?” Cora Mae didn’t sound exactly thrilled at the idea. �śThose were some pretty fancy panties, too. I think she left them there intentionally, so if he opened the umbrella, he’d think of her. I wish I’d come up with that. I better try to outdo her.” �śI’ll call you back,” I said before Cora Mae could launch into details. If she put half as much effort into her investigator job, she’d be the best in the business. �śKeep your phone on.” I pulled back onto the road, thinking hard. There’s something about driving my truck that brings creative thoughts into my head. Maybe it’s the monotony of the road ahead that clears my mind of all the clutter. This time was no different. For every question I posed to myself, I came up with a pat answer. Like had Diane been cheating on Harry with Chet? You bet she was. Seriously though, would she actually kill her husband? Maybe, to be with Chet. Passion is a powerful emotion. Besides, Harry Aho would have killed her first for even looking at a Hanson. She just beat him to it. What about Frank Hanson? Did she kill him too? And if so, why? Had he seen something or found out something he shouldn’t have? And why hire the Trouble Busters to find evidence against Chet if Diane had killed her husband to be with Chet? Then I remembered that she hadn’t hired us. Her sons had. She’d actually wanted them to hold off, but they wouldn’t listen. The last thing she’d want is for anyone to find out she’d been sneaking around with Chet. But she wasn’t with Chet Hanson now. Cora Mae was. Were those two laying low because of Harry’s murder? Maybe Diane had asked Chet to stay away a respectable amount of time, at least until after the funeral. Then why was he seeing Cora Mae? Did Diane know? I thought back to the report I’d given her. How she’d studied it? Had I imagined it, or had there been a certain harshness in her voice after she read the part about Cora Mae? I didn’t like where my analysis was taking me. This wasn’t good. Not good at all. Diane Aho had an umbrella just like Mary Poppins. Only Diane was more like Scary Poppins. I must have been a little under a mile from home, when I saw Diane’s car go by. And it was heading in the direction of Chet’s place. Of course, that was the way to her house, but still... My heart pumped faster. I had a ginormous lump in my throat. Because I’d seen the expression on Diane’s face as she passed, and if looks could kill�Ś If she’d murdered her husband to be with another man, imagine what she might do about another woman coming between her and Chet. And Cora Mae was over at Chet’s right now all by herself. I jerked the wheel to make a U-turn, but I misjudged. The truck slid sideways into the swampy ditch and got hung up at the base of a tamarack tree. The truck leaned dangerously, making me wonder where a vehicle’s tipping point really was. My heart thumped hard. I didn’t want to find out. Fred was standing up on the seat, first looking at the ditch then back at me. He’s good at picking up on emotions, so he sensed our dilemma. I tried calling Cora Mae. She didn’t answer. Worse, she never set up her voice message service, so she wouldn’t get my warning that way. Fred and I abandoned the truck after a few more efforts to get out that only dug us in deeper. We ran along the road, racing for my house with Fred in the lead. At this point, my only choice was to start making phone calls and hope somebody else made it to Chet Hanson’s house in time to protect Cora Mae. That is, if she really was in danger. Instinct told me she was. I kept punching in Cora Mae, shs number as I rushed along. She picked up on try number nine. �śYou need to go home,” I shouted. �śI don’t have a car. And you sure are bossy.” �śI can’t explain now, but it’s important.” Cora Mae sighed heavily. �śFine. Oh, look, a car is pulling in now. I’ll try to hitch a ride. Bye.” And my dopey friend hung up. And she ignored, or didn’t get, the next calls I made to her. I have to admit, I’m not in the greatest shape for a marathon. Even a short one like this. But I kept moving, fueled by sheer adrenalin and panic. The first good news all day was that Blaze’s sheriff’s truck was in my driveway. I ran in the door and doubled over in front of Blaze and Grandma, who were sitting at the kitchen table. �śHelp,” I croaked. Blaze jumped up and looked out the window. �śWhere’s your truck?” �śDitch,” I gasped. �śNo time�Ś” �śShe’s gonna kill some innocent person out on the highway,” Grandma said to Blaze. �śIf you don’t get her off the road.” �śI ought to impound the truck,” Blaze said, agreeing with the other side as usual. �śWhere is it?” �śCora Mae’s in trouble,” I managed a whole sentence, but it wasn’t easy. �śTramp,” Grandma said. �śImagine having a baby at that age!” And that’s when I realized I’d get no help from the home front. � * � Maybe it was the lack of oxygen flowing to my brain. Or maybe I’d just had enough b.s. from my family and didn’t care anymore. Or maybe it was the only way I could think of to save my best friend. At any rate, I ran back outside. What choice did I have? Blaze and Grandma were prejudiced against me and would never listen to reason until it was too late. Blaze always leaves his keys dangling in the ignition when he comes over, and this time was no exception. So I commandeered his police vehicle. As I squealed out of the driveway, Fred came running from the back of the house, but I didn’t slow and wait for him. I’d put enough friends in danger in spite of my promise not to do that anymore. If I could keep my four-legged buddy safe from harm, at least I wouldn’t be batting zero. I’d almost killed Kitty sending her on a heart-stopping mission, not to mention almost getting her killed during our last business gig. It’s possible that I’d already killed Cora Mae. Things couldn’t be any worse. I hated to stop for anything, but this was too important. I pulled up next to my truck in the ditch, careful not to repeat my last mistake by getting too close, jumped out, ran over, and grabbed my bean bag gun from under the seat. Then I opened the stolen vehicle up wide. � * � I barreled into Chet’s driveway. Diane’s car was there. With the driver’s door still open like she’d been in a big rush. I didn’t see any blood trails, which is always a good thing. I ran through the house calling Cora Mae’s name. She wasn’t there. They had to be in the woods. Was Cora Mae dead? Was Diane burying her body right this minute? First, I had to disable Diane’s car in case she came back before I found her. She couldn’t get away. I really didn’t like what had to come next. I got back in Blaze’s vehicle, backed it up, put it in drive, and floored it, ramming right into Diane’s car and pinning it against a tree. Regarding car damage, I have to admit I’ve done my share. Like the time my first truck hit black ice and spun out. Totaled. Or the time I drove off a bridge with one of Walter’s old beaters. Totaled too. I was almost positive that Blaze’s was salvageable. I pocketed the keys, grabbed the bean bag gun, and headed for the trees. All kinds of emotions hit me – shock that my friend was in such trouble, fear that I might be too late, and a growing anger that I didn’t even try to keep under control. Nothing gets the adrenaline flowing like good old rage. Sticks and dried leaves crunched underfoot, but I couldn’t help that. Moving quickly and silently was almost impossible. I stopped and listened. Nothing. No sounds at all other than my own breathing. Where the heck were they? Deeper into the woods now, I angled off toward the Aho property. The underbrush grew thicker and the going got rougher. I stopped to listen again. Just as I was about to try a different route, I saw a flash of color off to my right. A squeaky sound came from the same direction. Moving closer, I spotted Cora Mae. She was sitting with her back against a tree trunk, and she was tied up. Her mouth had tape across it, but she’d seen me and was trying her best to tell me something. I started to charge in, relieved to find her all in one piece. But then I noticed her eyes kept darting off to the side like she had something really important to say. When I looked over that way, an enormous pile of leaves erupted from the ground. I barely had time to aim and fire. Instead of a fatal impact, the sound of gunfire reverberated through the woods, hers and mine. The pile of leaves moved off a few yards and dropped down into a heap. I ran behind Cora Mae’s tree, ignoring her muffled mumbo-jumbo, then decided my choice of positions was a bad idea. I was supposed to lead Diane away from my friend, not put Cora Mae in the direct line of fire. I scooted to another tree, getting some distance between the two of us. I couldn’t help noticing that the leaf pile had disappeared into the rest of the forest’s floor. That guerrilla suit was better than camo. If I came out of this alive, I wanted one. Cora Mae was having a fit behind the tape. I was grateful that I couldn’t hear what she had to say, because she had to be really mad at me, thinking I’d abandoned her. I continued to move away, keeping trees between me and Diane, figuring that Diane would have to chase me. If I escaped, her little show was all over. If she ended up stopping me, she’d go back and take care of Cora Mae. My goal was to make sure that didn’t happen. Staying alive and well was top priority at the moment. Even though I’d brought a non-lethal bean bag gun to a real killer gunfight, I had to stay hopeful. By now, I couldn’t see Cora Mae anymore. I wished that I’d headed back toward Chet’s house rather than deeper into the woods, but I hadn’t been in a position to pick at the time. Where was crazy Diane? Both times, when she’d killed Frank and now, I’d seen enough to know she blended into her surroundings better than any deer or turkey could. But if she intended to catch me, she’d have to take a risk and move my way. Piles of leaves didn’t usually do that, so all I had to do was watch for blowing leaves in a windless forest. Right? It was time to stop behind a tree and prepare to face the music. Which started up. It really did. If you could call it music. Ground squirrels make all kinds of sounds, and if you live around them, you tend to learn to interpret the different calls. A rapid-fire chirping alarm was a signal to other ground squirrels, a warning that something had startled and frightened one, and that the others should go to ground. The squirrel kept it up. I didn’t need a rodent to warn me. I already knew I was in big trouble Movement flashed out of the corner of my eye. But when I glanced sharply in that direction, I couldn’t see anything out of place. I had to trust my instincts, and they were yakking at me louder than Cora Mae ever could. So I aimed the bean bag gun where I thought I’d seen the motion. I fired. The ground squirrel gave a few more sharp chirps. Then everything went dead again. � * � Nothing moved. Sweat ran in a steady stream down the side of my ponytailed head, a reminder that wigs can be super hot under stressful conditions. Had I hit anything? I didn’t know. Now what? Just sit tight and wait? I’ve never been a very good waiter, so I fired a few more rounds in the same direction, planting them into the ground. Then I started back for Cora Mae. A branch snapped. The earth rose up again. This time I got in a direct shot, heard the thud, a moan. And the pile of debris keeled over backwards. Carefully, I inched forward to see how much damage I’d done. Diane had taken the hit right in the face. Her nose was squashed flat, which always means a bunch of blood. She was out cold and the blood was flowing. I hustled back to Cora Mae and untied her, leaving the tape on her mouth until last. �śLater, Cora Mae,” I said when she began flapping at me, �śbefore she comes to. We have to tie her up with this rope.” That shut her up good. After trussing Diane, the two of us stumbled out of the woods just as several county sheriffs cars pulled in. Blaze got out of the passenger seat of the first one to arrive. He took one look at his damaged vehicle and read me my rights. None of them would listen to a thing I was trying to tell them. Cora Mae had to take over. When that woman speaks, men listen. And these guys weren’t any different. They were doubtful, but willing to follow her into the woods. Pretty soon two of them came back out with Cora Mae. I had to watch the whole thing from the back of a locked squad car, but the window was rolled down enough that I didn’t miss what happened next. Chet Hanson pulled in behind the squad where I sat. He rushed up to Cora Mae, wanting to know what was going on. Then he spotted two cops escorting Diane Aho from the woods. �śShe tried to kill me,” I heard Cora Mae say to him. That fired him up but good. He stormed toward Diane. Blaze stepped in front of him, otherwise I think Chet would have attacked her. Diane’s face looked like a bloody pulp, something right out of a horror flick. She gave him a really dirty look, and said, �śArrest that man. He killed my husband.” After that, they started shouting accusations at each other. As it turned out, Chet Hanson really had killed Harry Aho, along with his second cousin Frank. * � �śI can’t believe I missed the whole thing,” Kitty complained, standing on the other side of the bars in the Escanaba jail. �śYou’re lucky,” Cora Mae told her, then for something like the hundredth time. �śI never thought it was Chet.” �śI sort of knew,” I said, trying to save a little face. �śOnce we found out that Diane was sneaking over to Chet’s, it was easy to put two and two together.” Kitty shook her head in disbelief. �śAt one point, I even said Chet must be the killer because Cora Mae was dating him. I was joking at the time.” �śI have the worst luck with men,” Cora Mae said. I would have added that she was also the worst investigator I ever met, but she already felt bad enough. Not only had she been sleeping with a killer, she’d been his alibi when he murdered Frank. That woman sure could sleep. Kitty went on, �śI talked it over with Blaze.” �śHe talked to you?” �śWe get along. Anyway, thought Frank Hanson had killed Harry since he was on the premises at the time and had a motive, which was shutting down the rifle range. He also had a rifle in his possession, so he had means. And he had the opportunity. Then when Frank died, Blaze figured either Gus or Martin had taken their revenge. He was barking up the wrong tree all along.” �śThey better not release that crazy woman on bail,” Cora Mae said. �śWe’ll protect you, if they do,” Kitty said. Diane Aho really was a nut job. She’d schemed with Chet to murder her husband. Only Diane and Chet had different motives. She thought if her husband was out of the picture, she’d finally be with Chet. But Chet, never one to back away from a full-blown feud, was just using her to get at Harry. �śChet liked you a lot,” I said to Cora Mae when I saw tears in her eyes. �śHe wouldn’t have lost his temper and ended up in that big finger-pointing argument with Diane, if he didn’t care about you.” �śI know,” she sniffled. Kitty had more, �śDiane didn’t know a thing about Frank Hanson’s blackmail attempt or that Chet had murdered him. In fact, she thought one of her sons did it.” �śWould she really have killed me?” Cora Mae asked. Kitty locked eyes with me. I gave her a tiny head shake. �śProbably not,” Kitty lied. �śI don’t understand how Blaze can hold me,” I whined through the bars, �śwhen he let you two go on your own recognizance.” �śSeeing his truck like that tipped him over the edge,” Kitty said. �śTotaled?” �śTotaled,” Kitty said. �śCan you guys get me out of here?” Kitty shook her head. �śI’ve tried. Blaze is really mad. That’s why he moved you here to Escanaba. The three of us have to go before the judge and convince him we weren’t obstructing justice, but don’t worry, I’m defending us.” Which was the thing that had me worried the most. � * � George came to visit. He had Grandma Johnson with him. George and I kissed through the bars. �śTell George what you told me,” I said to Grandma. �śAbout the sweepstakes bribe you took from Diane Aho in exchange for confirming a false alibi.” �śThat’s hogwash,” she said. �śI’ve got proof,” I said, punting. �śGrandma already made a truthful statement,” George said to me. �śPearl talked her into it. Now the charges are going to be more serious. Her testimony will prove it was premeditated.” �śDid you find out why Chet killed his own cousin?” I wanted to know. �śSecond cousin,” Grandma corrected me. George said, �śFrank saw Chet running from behind Harry’s house and tried to blackmail him. When Chet refused to go along with it, Frank threatened to go to the Ahos with the truth. Chet followed him that night, realized where he was headed, dressed up in a ghillie suit, and shot him before he could talk.” �śHe wouldn’t have squealed on his kin,” Grandma said. �śWe’ll never know now,” I said. �śI just don’t understand why Chet hired me in the first place if he was going to shot Harry.” George shrugged. �śMaybe to throw suspicion off of himself.” �śA ploy,” Grandma said. Looking back on events, I might have had a few facts wrong, and I might have misconstrued a few more. Assumptions can be tricky, and intuition is sometimes a bit flawed. But Cora Mae is alive and well. And the guilty parties are behind bars. Being an investigator can be a thankless job. Nobody pats you on the back for a job well done. They don’t give you the credit you deserve. This time, I’m giving myself a whole lot of credit. And if others don’t appreciate it, that’s their loss. I really wish I wasn’t behind bars, cooling my heels, waiting for court. It gives me too much time to think. One of those thoughts was that we weren’t going to get paid again. If I was free, I’d be out and about, drumming up business. Instead, all I could do was plot my court case. � * � Word For The Day DITCH (dich) A trench, usually for drainage; To skip (class or school); To get away from. � The judge was an anal, no-nonsense type of guy. Because of that, he and Blaze got along perfectly. It didn’t help that they knew each other and played poker together. Even with all that going against us, my legal-eagle defense managed to cop a plea bargain. Kitty’s law classes were really paying off. The judge found us guilty. Here’s what he said about our sentences, �śProviding a service to the community is more beneficial than punishment. I could incarcerate you, but this way you might become educated in what constitutes acceptable behavior. I order each of you to perform eighty hours of community service.” And that was the end of that. Out in the parking lot, George gave me a big hug. Grandma Johnson clacked her false teeth and humphed. Blaze was happy with the judge’s decision. �śHope you learned something from this,” he said to me. I doubted it. Cora Mae, Kitty, and I brainstormed right there on the spot, deciding to do our community service time together at a nursing home, one that caters to all kinds of different needs, including assisted living. Maybe I can talk Grandma Johnson into going along. What if she likes it there and moves out of my house for good? Suddenly life was filled with all kinds of interesting possibilities. Outside the courthouse, Fred greeted me from the passenger seat of George’s truck. I got a lot of wagging tail and a face wash. �śLet’s ditch this place,” I said to my man. � THE END � ABOUT THE AUTHOR � Deb Baker grew up in the Michigan Upper Peninsula with the Finns and Swedes portrayed in the Gertie Johnson mystery series. She makes her home in Wisconsin now, but visits her family �ścamp” as often as possible. Books by Deb (in order): Gertie Johnson Murder Mysteries Murder Passes the Buck - When her neighbor is shot and killed, Gertie investigates his death, even though it’s been ruled an accident by Gertie’s son, the sheriff. Murder Grins and Bears It - a game warden is murdered right under Little Donny’s tree stand. Little Donny disappears into the backwoods, forcing sixty-six-year-old Gertie to use her �śunique” investigative techniques to find her favorite grandson. Murder Talks Turkey - Gertie Johnson, is standing in line at the bank when it gets robbed. The robber doesn’t make it out alive, but the money is missing. Murder Bites the Bullet – 7/2011, Gertie and the Trouble Busters get caught in the crosshairs of a long standing family feud. Cooking Can Be Murder – 100 tasty recipes from Gertie’s kitchen � Gretchen Birch Suspense Series Dolled Up For Murder – back in print 8/2011 - For Gretchen Birch, her mother Caroline, and her aunt Nina, doll restoration is a family affair. But they have never imagined a valuable doll could lead to murder. Goodbye Dolly - Gretchen is at her first major doll show, praying she doesn’t botch any repair job. But glue-gun glitches turn out to be the least of her worries when a sleazy reporter is found dead with Gretchen’s craft knife stuck in his back. Dolly Departed -Gretchen answers an invitation to a party at an unfamiliar dollhouse shop - and winds up in the thick of a murder mystery of miniature proportions. Guise and Dolls -An anonymous donor...murder in a cemetery...a haunted house with hidden secrets. Someone's dream come true will soon prove more of a nightmare. Gretchen better solve the mystery, or it'll be her and her friends who are history. � Queen Bee Mysteries (as Hannah Reed) Buzz Off - It's September - National Honey Month - in Moraine, Wisconsin and life seems pretty sweet for Story Fischer...until her bee mentor is found dead in his apiary. Now Story has to find her way out of a very sticky situation. Mind Your Own Beeswax - Story Fischer has a successful local market, her Queen Bee Honey business, and a new boyfriend. Then she finds the dead body of local woman with a checkered past right near her hive and things get sticky. Plan Bee – available 2/2012 A Sticky Situation – available 2/2013 If you enjoyed Murder Bites the Bullet, please consider writing a short online review. Your opinion helps other readers discover new authors! Visit Deb's Website This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Copyright © 2011 by Deb Baker. All rights reserved. Cover Art Design: Patricia Ryan �