Conquering the Shakes & Quirks

How to Eliminate Shyness, Nervousness, and other Forms of Male Social Anxiety... We've
culminated the following section from postings to the Dating Insider Forum. Rather than
post this section as a stand alone chapter, we've decided to leave in the original posts,
which we feel reveal the challenge many men face... How not to act or appear shy or nervous
and how to act and appear 100% confident.

Read over these common issues men face with social anxiety, and the solutions we've put
together for the many men who deal with it. You don't have to live with shyness or
nervousness any longer.

Original Posts to the Dating Insider Forum:

"...It seems that ever since my ex and I broke up, I've slowly come to the painful and
embarrassing realization that I may not have all of the mack finesse that I had before our
7 year stint together. Now a days, I suffer from things like speechlessness, and some sort
of nervous facial tick. I'm sure that the women that I'm trying to talk to pick up on this and
that's probably why I've been so down and out in the dating arena since the ex. Does anyone
else suffer from any of these women deturing anomolies? If so or even if not... I'm open to
feed back of any sort. Anything!! Especially about these wierd facial things that happen.
It's really trippin' me out..." - mjgeter

"...I can totally relate to your post. I always go through this crap. For some reason,
everytime I get around a hot, or even cute, girl, I get locked into this bogus thing where I
stutter. I don't get it, I've NEVER stuttered in my life. Only recently, when I get around a
babe like this, or try talking to her. Needless to say, I make a COMPLETE ass out of myself
everytime.

Another retarted thing I've always done has been the "voice-changing" thing.

For some dumb-assed reason, If I talk to a girl for a few minutes, I change my voice to- I
guess what I can refer to as "the nice guy voice". I think that my mind has always been
totally pre-occupied with the fear that she'll think I'm too bold or maybe even be afraid of
me, so I have subconciously developed this bogus "voice" I use, but cannot control, that I
guess is supposed to set them at "ease", or something. In reality it probably scares her even
more- leaving her to think: is this the same guy who was here a few seconds ago?- and it
sucks, because I just want to be myself, with my OWN, REAL, voice.

I just want her to take me seriously, which she clearly WILL NEVER do, as long as these
"flaws" are present. So, to anyone out there, what is the deal with these "quirks", to say the
least?

Shall I seek professional help? I feel like there all just "nervous" things, but I can never
seem to lose them or control them..." – anserdo

Conquering the Shakes & Quirks

So what is going on anyway? The sudden shortness of breath. The unexpected loss of words.
The shyness. The nervousness...

Think of it as 'male social anxiety'....

Your mind is racing. There's a great looking girl before you and your sexual instinct is
suddenly kicking into gear... As such, your body is growing suddenly anxious, as one of its key
existences is to reproduce. Just as your mouth responds to the site of good food by making
you salivate, so does your body respond to the site of a woman that looks like mating
material. These are physiological responses to your immediate environment, and most people
can't control them.

Who is a woman going to feel safer with? A guy who's whole demeanor suddenly changes into
a quivering horn-dog the moment she walks through the door, or the guy who maintains
complete control and doesn't look like he's ready to climax in his pants just by looking at
her?

Most guys already know this answer... They see that the guys most women are generally
interested in don't seem to show any anxiety when women are present. These men don't
necessarily "ignore" women, instead they talk and carry themselves as if everything is
completely normal, especially when interacting with women directly... And it's not that these
men aren't attracted to these women, these men just know (some instinctively) that showing
anxiety is on the same level as losing control of one's emotions, and is looked down on by
women (and men alike).

So don't show anxiety. Don't 'lose control'.

There's generally two groups of men that are able to achieve the level of self control
portrayed above:

1) Men who are accustomed to being around attractive women all their lives, and as such
don't feel anxiety when attractive women are around.

2) Then the second group: Men who have conditioned their minds to not be phased by
attractive women, because these are men who have learned that male social anxiety turns
women off.

For example, think of window washers who work on tall skyscrapers... These men become
accustomed to the job, and pretty soon it's no big deal to them to be washing windows 1,000
feet up over the city, while for 99.9% of people it would be a truly frightening experience.

So what are the different quirks guys have that reveal to women 'male social anxiety'?

When attractive women enter the room:

- Some men become extremely shy

- Some suddenly talk in a nervous, shaky voice

- Some men freeze, not knowing what to say

- Some men stutter (when they were talking fine to their buddies just a moment before)

- On the opposite end, some men suddenly become macho radio d.j.'s and try to take on a
deep sexy voice (later on women laugh to each other about how "ridiculous" these guys are!)

What's interesting is that understanding 'male social anxiety' isn't a complicated process.
The main thing is knowing what is happening, that it's not something 'wrong with you', and
that you can easily fix it.

The problem is that men put women on pedestals

(as the old saying goes). They create an

image of a woman that just isn't real. Instead of her being "just another person", she's
become a fantastic goddess in men's minds, and as such is from an entirely different world,
a world of different rules and exotic customs. And so you "think" that you don't know how
to act around her. Your mind races, your heart beats faster, you're excited by the mystery
and beauty of her... All the while,

she's looking at you like 'what's your problem?

' She knows

that she's nothing special, but you're over there looking at her like she is. Then she giggles
and elbows her friend, whispering about that pitiful chump in the corner (YOU) who just fell
in love with her the first time you laid eyes on her.

Women know that love at first sight doesn't happen. Lust at first sight does. The general
unspoken rule all women share, is avoid men who lust. They can't control themselves.

Also, avoid men who are shy and / or nervous: They may embarrass you in public. They'll
never take the lead in life.

Single women are in the general habit of pre qualifying men for relationships and sex

(or

just sex). Though they may not make a conscious note of it, they do subconsciously note
that you do or don't qualify.

'The Quirks' are generally the deciding factor that you don't

qualify

. Once you can eliminate them, your odds of success increase dramatically.

I'd like to suggest the following exercise (an exercise in fact that was suggested to a
member recently who wrote in with a question to the Dating Insider editors)... The theme of
this next exercise is "practice makes perfect".

Practice also takes away anxiety.

The moment you take away anxiety, you take away 'the

quirks'

.

Exercise: Eliminate Male Social Anxiety Around Women & Dramatically Increase Confidence
in Your Voice & Actions

For the next 2 - 4 weeks, go to as many shopping malls as you can... Don't worry about
buying anything - You're not there to buy - You're there to PRACTICE how to effectively
communicate.

Go from store to store, asking the customer service / sales people about particular items

.

Now, these are people that are generally programmed to be OUTGOING & CONFIDENT,
and you should make it a goal to talk in a tone of voice that is a notch or two ABOVE their
tone of voice.

Tell yourself that you're going to charm them by holding strong eye contact,

speaking in an outgoing voice, and being nice at the same time

.

All the while, you're going to

watch them for social anxiety, instead of watching yourself

.

Before you know it you'll notice a pattern...

You're going to probably be uncomfortable at first, but trust me - after talking to 10 sales
people in 10 different stores within only one hour's time, you're going to start to become
comfortable with it...

After a few days time of going to stores and shopping malls and

consistently communicating with sales people, it will start to feel extremely natural, and
you'll be laughing at just how ridiculously easy it is to speak in an outgoing voice and hold
strong eye contact, both while being nice

.

You will no longer notice you're own quirks (because they'll have disappeared), and you'll be
noticing other people's quirks more and more

.

Keep in mind that speaking in a clear outgoing voice while holding strong eye contact

(all the

while being "nice") is the basic formula for charming anyone. Of course make sure you're
highly presentable... "dressing for success"... and you'll soon have the confidence to
approach the woman in your sites, and in the end the "charm" to easily attract her.

You won't even remember the word "quirks". It will never come to mind.

Understanding the quirks isn't a complicated process. What's complicated is trying to go
through life with the quirks.

It doesn't have to be this way. Make it a goal to conquer the quirks. It's a simple process,
but it does take a little time and effort on your part to make it happen.

Start with the very next person you come in contact with...

"...let me just say that one of MY main concerns in this is still the facial ticks. Let me
explain. It's almost like my face doesn't know how to set in the presence of the chyck I'm
talking to. Imagine talking to a woman and while your speaking your face is making all sorts
of odd movements. I don't know if it's psychsomatic or what. But I can tell you that it's
really annoying. This is what makes me shutdown most times when speaking to a woman.

Just last week I was at school. I attend a technical school here in California. Anyhow, me
and a buddy were at the vending machines laughing about SOMETHING, I forget, but the
point is I was relaxed, having a good time and all when I saw this nice lil latina with this long,
LONG, brown hair. I mean it was obvious that she'd been growing her hair for some time. So
I step over to her and say something like, "Hey, how long have you been growing your hair?"
nothing fancy ya know... she says, "18 years" and flashes a quick smile at me. Well, at that
moment, I wanted to say more to her and I started to until the face-thing starts happening.
My eyes start squinting and blinking all weird and sometimes I even lose my breath. I just
walked away from her. I couldn't even finish talking or stand there.

From the described scenario, what do you think could be going on here? This was my sole
reasoning for joining Dating-Insider. I just want to be able to talk to a nice woman with out
being scared or whatever it is I'm experiencing..." - mjgeter

A Personal Note

...You're going to have to *train* yourself not to do the facial tick thing. There isn't a quick
solution to your social quirk, from the sound of it. Have you read our section titled "Secrets
of the Top Performers?" What you're experiencing is well known in the music and
entertainment industry by even the most famous public performers in the world... It's
called Performance Anxiety, and the only way to conquer it is with mental conditioning and
practice.

More than likely women intimidate you... Just as large crowds and television cameras
intimidate entertainers, you're intimidated when you "perform" in front of women / a
woman.

We suggest approaching this with the same state of mind as a top entertainer... Make it a
goal to learn how to conquer the facial quirk so that you can give a top performance and
"never let them see you sweat".

We've suggested an exercise in the post above, and really encourage you to try it out.

Go

from store to store, finding sales girls, and ask them about products in the store

. They

think that you're there to shop, but really you're there to condition yourself to talking to
women so that it's no longer a big deal. What's currently holding you back is that you don't
talk to women very often (this is an assumption based on your posts), and so (like most men)
you've mentally placed them on a pedestal.

Thought patterns such as these are basic human nature...

The more you're around something

/ someone, the more "common" they become until you don't even notice they're there
anymore... Just look at most marriages!

This is what's going to have to happen if you'd like to conquer your facial quirk. You're going
to have to become so conditioned with women that you don't even notice them anymore, so
to speak. There's really no other way around it. You might consider a short cut with self
hypnotism, but all that really is is mental conditioning through personal meditation... Closing
your eyes and for a few minutes of

every day, picturing yourself in encounters with attractive women, and feeling and saying
things to her (in your mind) with total ease and no facial quirks... You picture yourself
standing and talking with complete 100% confidence... You can feel it. You breath it.

Get the picture?

Now if you practice repeatedly in real life, and also spend a few minutes of every day
mentally conditioning yourself, you can go far. But you have to do it. Try it for a few weeks.
It's a sure bet that you're going to surprise yourself.