For a girl who dared to tempt death, living is the only promise that
matters now.
Jay's life almost came to a forced end when her darkest secrets were
revealed and the one who she chose to give her future to was ripped
away. Now, everything she kept hidden is the topic of everyone's
conversation, and not all are sympathetic. Someone wants her horrific
past to dictate her future, and another is determined to help her choose a
different path.
In conclusion to Ruining Me, Kane and Rhye know that Jay is worth
the fight, but waiting for her to find herself may ruin them all

When I was a small child, I believed every man in my life was a knight
in shining armor. I'm not sure whether it was because my father always
reminded me of the prince in the fairytales I read or if it was the whole
"every little girl is a princess" mentality. I just know that men,
especially handsome men, fascinated me even at a young age. From the
moment they smiled at me, they were my prince in the current fairytale
I was living.
I had known JT almost my entire life, but when I saw him through the
eyes of young love for the first time in middle school, things changed. I
instantly saw my shining knight. He was the savior I believed in, and he
treated me like the princess I dreamed to be. He put me first and
rescued me from anything and everything, whenever I needed him.
Why is it, if I wholeheartedly believed in the prince, that I didn't
believe in the villain as well?
As a sophomore in high school, I, along with every other sensible
young woman, grew increasingly leery of men. I was especially wary
of the strange and scary-looking ones I would sometimes see around
town. I watched TV and knew that girls went missing daily. Being left
home alone often due to my parents' extensive travel schedule, I was
always doubly cautious. I made sure to lock the doors and turn on the
alarm as soon as I arrived home. I never had a reason to worry though.
My personal knight in shining armor was always watching over me. JT
never failed to call or drop by to insure I was safe and taken care of.
Then one day, a man I considered another possible knight in my life
became a villain - the monster. I remember smiling at his handsome
face that fateful day when he stepped inside the room with me. I
remember thinking I was safe and secure and believing him to be
another man who would watch over me and ride to my rescue. What a
cruel fate that shattered my reality that day and all the days that
followed. When

you have nothing but time to re-examine your entire life, you see things
a little clearer, and right now, all I have is time. Time is now measured
from the night when death stole from me, took my battered heart, and
left me behind.
Sixty-four days is an eternity to live with the guilt that weighs me down
and the thoughts that swirl around my head. The path I chose is the one
I continue to choose. With every sunrise, those feelings strengthen. My
soul is broken into a million pieces, and I find new fragments every
day. The deconstruction of me is painful, but there are reasons why I
can't finish what I started.
"What else would you like to talk about today, Jay?" Dr. Raines voice
interrupts my thoughts.
We are both sitting in chairs, facing one another. Dr. Raines seems
calm and controlled as she sits across from me. Today, she has her
blond curly hair pulled back in a knot with a few strands that have
escaped.
Her grey suit ages her and makes her appear slightly dour, but the
twinkle in her hazel eyes belies them. She looks at me with a slim smile
on her face, and I think to myself, "Is it a prerequisite for a 'shrink' to
look and act like she does? We've been sitting here for the last thirty
minutes, and she is driving me insane. "
"Nothing really," I softly answer. Glancing around the room, I read the
framed certificates that hang upon the walls, and I only turn to see the
pictures of her family lined on the shelves behind her desk. Two boys,
at different stages of their lives, are documented in the photos.
"Are you reading over your Safety Contract weekly?"
Nodding my head, my eyes continue to roam around the room. The
contract she is referring to is a suicide prevention contract. It is one of
the many documents I have been required to sign during my two month
stay at the private inpatient facility. The form forces me to list reasons
why I should live and the people it would hurt if I chose not to.
Currently, the contract only lists my parents, Molly, and Kane as my
"care contacts," but there is only one person that keeps me living, and
his name is nowhere on that form.
"What about your journal? Are you documenting your thoughts and
feelings daily?"

"Most days," I reply back to her. "How is the in-house schooling
going?"
Shrugging my shoulders, I mutter, "I'm working on credits for my high
school diploma." Is that what she wants to hear? I pick at my blue
cotton pants and twist the edges of my white t-shirt to keep my hands
busy as I look directly at her.
"That is really fantastic. I know that in our last family therapy session,
your mother said that she was ready for you to come home. Have you
thought any more about leaving?"
I close my eyes and bow my head, shaking it in veto.
"Look at me, Jay. Please," her soft voice pleads.
I slowly lift my eyes, wearily gazing into hers.
"You are here voluntarily which means you make the decision whether
or not you are ready to leave. I want you to remember that. "
Shifting my eyes downward, I close them tightly and take a deep
breath. Quietly, I whisper, "Not yet. I'm not ready to face everyone."
"Jay, we've talked about this. You have to form connections with
people. It's the only way you'll be able to move forward. All you have
to do is let people in. Have you made any friends while you have been
here?"
Looking up again at her, I slightly lift my shoulders and say, "I've
talked with a couple of the girls after group sessions."
"That's good. The more social interaction you have while you're here,
the easier it will be when you go home. Sunday visitation is coming up.
I understand that JT's mother is still requesting to visit you. You need to
talk with her. Your mother and I have both told you that she doesn't
blame you. She wants to speak with you to explain her feelings."
I firmly shake my head back and forth.
"This is part of your recovery, Jay. You have to come to grips with your
past or the actions that led you here can always repeat themselves. Do
you understand what I'm saying? You can't run from it, and you can't
hide. Facing it head-on is your only course of action. This is not your
guilt to bear. "
Tears well up in my eyes as I feel my throat tighten, and it's hard to
swallow. JT's smiling image passes behind my closed eyes. For a

second, my heart comes to a painful halt, and my stomach clinches
from the gut-wrenching physical pain of his loss. Everyday feels like
that last day with him, and I relive the agonizing torment that I felt as I
stood in the field beside the road and saw his lifeless body lying in the
grass. A part of me still remains there, forever frozen at that
intersection.
Fighting back the tears, I rub my eyes and look up at her, "I know the
role that I played regarding his death. That is something I will live with
for the rest of my life. Time will not erase those last minutes I had with
him. They were not happy moments, Dr. Raines. They were forever
soul-changing. I don't know what Mrs. Higgins could possibly say that
would make me feel any different."
"Maybe it's Mrs. Higgins who would heal from talking to you, Jay.
Have you thought about that? She is a grieving mother, and this might
be her only release. "
Nodding towards the pictures of her sons on the wall, I ask, "Say that
one day you lose one of your sons because of decisions a girl made.
Their death could have been prevented had she stayed away or told the
truth from the beginning. Could you really forgive her?" I already
know my answer; I would hate her.
"I would like to think that, after looking at the entire situation, I would
understand she wasn't at fault, and that I would cast blame where it was
due. It wouldn't be at her feet, Jay. Keep in mind, I have spoken with
Mrs. Higgins, and she doesn't hold you responsible. Today is just
Wednesday. You have a couple days to decide. Anything else you want
to talk about before we end today's session?"
"No."
"It takes time, and thank goodness you have it, Jay. You' re lucky for
that. Every day is a new start and a new beginning. Always remember
to treat it like a gift. " She stands up and turns toward the door to open
it.
Standing, I follow her as she turns back towards me. "Try to connect
with other patients this week. My door is always open if you need me. "
Swiftly, I shuffle past her saying, "I will," and head to my room.
Walking down the hallway, a couple of girls and guys try to talk to

me as I pass by, but I keep walking. Some things never change. When I
reach my room, I close the door behind me. Rushing to my bed, I fling
myself on top of the covers and bury my head deep in the pillow. I will
the tears back and force all thoughts out of my head. If I don't,
memories of JT and Cal bombard me, and I can't let those memories
surface.
My head pounds like a steel drum as I lie there. The memories press
forward in my mind. I try to push them back, but they come anyway.
Flashes of red play through my mind while the sound of an ambulance
blares in my head. I remember bits and pieces of waking up as they
brought me to the hospital. I fought them, screamed, and prayed they
would just let me go forever. My next memory is of waking up the next
day and hearing voices. The last time I saw him plays over and over in
my mind. I hear Kane's raspy voice, whispering hauntingly beautiful
words in my ear.
"You can't wake a girl that pretends to sleep."
My eyes open directly to his. I try to speak, but my throat feels like
someone has set fire to it.
"That's what happens when they have to put a tube down your throat
to empty your stomach." His hoarse voice says, as he grabs a glass of
water on the table.
Leaning it towards me, he holds the straw to my mouth. I can only
swallow a little bit. Clearing my throat, I try to talk again.
"Leave, I'm not going to be here long." Looking at me, he knows
what I mean.
"You're not going to be in the hospital long or you're not going to be
on this earth long?" I glare at him and shake my head.
Kane places my glass of water on the table. Leaning back down over
my hospital bed, he grips the rails on either side and lowers his face
close to mine.
"You listen to me, I'm not leaving you. Not for a second. Do you really
think I will let myself lose another friend?"
"I'm not your friend," I whisper.
"Your right, Jay, you 're not my friend. You are so much more to me
and these past couple of days didn't change that. So we'll get

through this together or we will not get through it at all."
I shake my head at him and say, "I don't want you here."
He kisses my cheek and whispers back, "I'm not going anywhere."
"Damn," I say, leaning up in my bed. I haven't seen Kane since that last
conversation. After that day, I was hospitalized for psychiatric
evaluation and not allowed to see anyone for seventy-two hours. Then,
I willingly opted to be transferred to Lanier Oaks, a rehabilitation
center about an hour away from home.
I' m in the young adult division which houses about nine girls and ten
guys recovering from alcohol and drugs along with us "crazies". The
daily 5 P.M. group sessions are very interesting. Dr. Gale facilitates,
and he' s okay I guess. He and I are fine until he tries to press me to talk,
and that' s when the stand-off begins. He insists that I share, and I
silently look at him like he's the crazy one. Win, win!
Glancing around the room, I realize just how small it is compared to my
room at home. At least it's private. I have a small twin size wooden bed
with a matching desk and chair. On the top of my desk lay letters folded
neatly on top of one another. Some are from Kane, and others are from
Molly and my parents. The letter on the bottom of the stack is unsigned,
but it instantly changed my path.
Rising from the bed, I walk over to the desk and sit down. My
fingertips glide over the tops of the letters, feeling the smoothness of
the paper and the ridges where the words were carefully inscribed. It
feels like I have read them each a million times. Their words take my
mind far away from here.
I reach for the first one Kane wrote to me and gently unfold it. I can still
see him so clearly in my mind - his dark shaved head, shiny green eyes,
and those two dimples beautifully carved into his face moments before
he kissed me. Closing my eyes, I can still feel his tattooed arms, thick
from roped muscle, as he held me tight. I swear I can smell him and his
spiced exotic cologne from deep within the paper. I open my eyes and
glance down at his handwriting. It is rather neat for a guy; it must have
taken him forever. I devour the words that he wrote to

me during our first week apart.
Jay,
Well, it's been a week since I last saw you. I know things weren't left
how I would have wanted them to be, so your Mom said I could write
you this letter. To be honest, I don't think I have ever written a letter to
anyone before. Except for this one love letter in elementary school that
I'm pretty sure only said, "Do you like me: circle yes or no". That was
much easier to write than this.
Asking you how you are doing would only make me sound like an
idiot. I just wish that I could talk to you one more time. I want to tell
you how happy I am that you are still here...ON THIS FUCKING
EARTH. With me. Damn Jay, you scared the shit out of me. I keep
telling myself that you're here, even if I can't see you or talk to you.
You're here, and that is all that matters. You just have to take each day
a little at a time and eventually everything will come together.
I don' t think I ever told you about this one time, when I was younger,
Cole and I used to go swimming in this pond on our land every
summer. One hot afternoon, we headed down to the pond and both
jumped in, fully clothed. We were just a couple kids trying to cool off
from the summer heat. I remember swimming out to the middle and
diving down, but when I touched the bottom and tried to come up, my
shoe got caught on something. Of course, I immediately panicked, and
like a little dumbass, let all my air out as I fought harder to free myself.
Seconds seemed like hours, but finally, just when I was about to pass
out, I felt Cole grab my hand and tug me upward pulling my foot lose
from my shoe. I will never forget the moment when my head broke the
water line and my lungs filled with air. Cole's hand still tightly gripped
mine, and I knew, that for the rest of my life, someone would always
"have my back. "
Jay...this is me letting you know that, no matter what, I've got you. I' m
not going anywhere. This is me gripping your hand and pulling you
out. Damn, that sounds corny, but it's true. I could explain it better in
person, but this is all I get for now. I wish I could just see you and tell
you this. I've thought about everything that's happened, and I want you

to know that I'll be here, no matter what.
I know you're where you need to be, but hell, I just want to see you. So
figure you out and I'll be waiting.
Love You...Kane
I am numb from all the emotion I should be feeling. Folding the letter, I
lay it back down on the desk as his words run through my mind. I grab
the next one from him, unfold it, and continue.
Jay,
It' s been two weeks since I wrote that last letter. I know your mom and
dad have both heard from you, and you're alive, so that's good, but they
are my only link to you. I guess I thought I would hear back from you.
Ok, if you are not ready to write to me yet, I get it. Really....Fuck...no, I
don't. Life is moving on, but yet I can't. I call your mom and Molly all
the time, trying to find out about you.
My head is fucked up. It's almost like reliving Matt's death again.
Except you didn't die, thank God for that, but I don't know how to quit
worrying. To think about if you get a second chance, not at life, but at
whatever is in that head of yours. I doubt myself, my thoughts, and my
actions, and I wonder where the hell I am supposed to go from here.
Shit, I' ll probably never send this letter with your mom.
I remember that beautiful lost girl that was sitting at the bar that fall day
when I walked through the doors. Your dark hair caught my eye first
because, well, you were wrong about blondes. It's the brunettes that get
me, every damn time, but it's those sad grey eyes that grabbed me
around the throat and wouldn't let go. Those stormy eyes that stole my
breath in that first moment I turned toward you. I think I covered my
reaction pretty well, but yeah, you took away the very air I breathe as I
watched those eyes devour me from head to toe. My body still reacts
thinking how your gaze traveled down, back up, and then they landed
on me looking back, unashamed. I ask myself every day if the sadness
in your soul recognized the hell mine had been through.
Shit, that sounds fucking crazy, but well, I feel like a crazy-fucker these
days. Your piss and vinegar attitude turned me on instead of off. I

saw the sweet girl trying to be the mean girl underneath. I'm a sucker
for the sweet tough ones. I never would have guessed that I could fall
for someone as fast as I did for you, and when I say fall, I don't mean
that "love at first sight" shit. I mean, LIKE you. I was drawn to you, and
I just wanted to be around you. I just wanted to be with you, to hear
your voice. I just wanted to see where all our shit could go, but too
many things were stacked against us.
I started putting your shit together long before you think I did. Pieces
kept falling in place, but damn, I didn't know what to say or what to do.
Then one night, I learn what your future plans are (or lack thereof) and
the next, you and I are over. It all happened way too fucking fast, and
even after everything I thought I knew came out, the reality was so
much worse.
God, when I got that call from Jill, it broke me. For you, it broke me,
because as mad as hell as I was at you for picking JT, I didn't want any
of that to happen. My first thought was that you would need me, and I
never second guessed that. Yeah, I get that you probably didn't want me
there at the hospital, but damn it, I know you needed me. BUT now, I
don't know. Do you need me or even want me around? I'm second
guessing what I' m doing with you now. I' m here for you, that' s not
going to change, but my life can't stay in pause.
What have you done to me, girl? I'll be here if you need me. Just always
know that.
Love....Kane
Tapping my fingers on the desk, I think back to us. I reflect on how fast
everything happened with Kane: the emotions, the feelings, and the
relationship. It all happened so fast. Was he another prince that I
thought could rescue me from my glass castle? I don't understand how
he still could want to be there for me after everything that happened?
After hearing my secrets and my shame, he's still around. Everything
was ripped wide open for everyone to see, and he' s still here. I dumped
him and threw him away, but he came back. That' s the main reason I
haven' t responded back to him. He deserves better, and he needs to
move on.
Taking a deep breath, I skip his other letter and unfold the last one

he sent. This one gets harder to read every time, but strangely, it
comforts me. Sometimes you can't control the feelings you have for
someone.
Jay,
TWO FUCKING MONTHS since I've seen you or heard from you. I'm
not mad, maybe a little hurt, but as you would tell me I'll get over it.
Things are going much better here. The main reason I am writing you
now is to tell you I' m sorry about sending those other letters. I wanted
you to know that I have got my shit together and moving on with my
life.
I' ll always be here for you. Whatever you need. Just always know
that.
Kane
Clutching his letter to my chest, I close my eyes. It's what I wanted, but
then again, it's not. With his letter still in my hand, I stand and go to lie
down on my bed. The tightness in my chest spreads, and my breaths
quicken. I close my eyes and work to slow my breathing. The panic
attacks started about a month ago. I've learned to control them by
myself mostly, and the medication helps. Once I can breathe normally,
my fragile mind finally takes a rest. My eyes are heavy, so I close them
and let sleep claim me.
My eyes pop open. I'm sitting in a chair with my head leaning back.
Facing up, I blink rapidly to try to see through the glare of the harsh
lights. I know instantly, without looking down, that I' m in my dream
room surrounded by four white walls. Forcing my eyes closed, I try to
convince myself to wake up, but nothing happens. I can feel the cold
metal of the chair I' m sitting in as it seeps into my body. Lowering my
head and opening my eyes, my heart skips when I notice who occupies
the chair across from me. JT sits there in his football jersey and jeans,
the same clothing he had on the night of the accident. His shirt is
saturated in blood, and the ruby red drops run down his jeans. His
head hangs low, and his dark hair is disheveled as his hands tunnel
through it. He whispers quietly, but I am unable to hear him.

Suddenly, my dark angel appears and sits down beside me, crossing his
arms and legs. His crisp white button up shirt with his worn washed
jeans and bare feet make him devilishly handsome. He turns his black
eyes towards me, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, an eye for an
eye, and a tooth for a tooth. " His voice sends chills down my spine.
"Did you think your God, Jay, would not expect a life for a life? Ah,
poor little lost boy. " He glances toward JT. "You know you can join
him for all eternity if you'd like? It would be a shame not to. " Looking
away, I try to get up and call to JT, but I can't move. My silence didn't
help me before, and it will not help me now. I know that I need to get to
him. My devil laughs loudly at me, and I lean my head back, screaming.

'JrV&ni. \ knew iV VituloL.jrtt wuoV pQl«, wui'V V u i V . ^ eve;
wort (:% v*f ci^oin? \ W w . \ ve. W \*;
I awake from my dream with tears streaming down my cheeks and
feeling battered and broken on the inside. I yell into my pillow,
smothering the sound. A knock sounds at my door a second before it
opens. Tami, one of the nurses on staff, peeks her head around the door.
"Jay, you're late for group session."
The room is dark enough that she doesn' t notice my tears, or she
chooses to ignore them.
Clearing my voice, I answer back, "I'll be right there."
Rising from the bed, I wipe the tears from my face. I look into the one
mirror above my desk and brush out my tangled hair, thinking about
my dream. I still have them, and actually, they are more frequent now.
Sometimes they're worse; the dreams where JT speaks to me crush me.
I' d rather have nightmares that scare me to death than to have my soul
rung out and left wanting him, but it's not only him I want.

My dark hair lies limp, and my dull grey eyes show little life. I've lost
weight, and my sunken cheeks look bruised in the light. This is one diet
I never wanted to be on. Pulling my hair back, I take one last look in the
mirror. This is the reason I don't look closely at myself; I can't stand
who I see staring back at me. That girl has never done anything but
cause me heartbreak. She is the reason I lost myself and the reason I
lost the ones I love the most, but she's always there. It's always her.
Turning around, I head down to the group therapy room. As I walk in, I
notice everyone sitting with their chairs in a circle. Dr. Gale is in the
middle talking as usual. My gaze automatically goes to a new face in
our small crowd who is staring back at me. He looks to be about my age
with the thickest, wavy- brown hair that I have ever seen. His light
brown skin hints of Hispanic heritage. Dark and soulful brown eyes
look towards me and back to Dr. Gale. I question what this guy's story
is.
"Glad you could join us, James," Dr. Gale says sarcastically.
"It's Jay, Dr. Gale. I think you're getting senile in your old age seeing
that I have to remind you at every session. It can't be good when the
'crazies' are the one correcting you. If I were you, I would get that
checked out. "
Sitting down in an empty chair, I try not to glance in the new guy's
direction again. The weight of at least fifteen pairs of eyes rests on me,
and the silence is deafening. Finally, I look back at Dr. Gale. He' s
young. I would probably say he's in his mid-thirties, and he reminds me
of that teacher on T.V. with the singing cast. He is tall with light brown
hair and hazel eyes. He has a slight smile on his face that he can't hide
from me; I can tell he is thinking about what he's going to say next. Mr.
Gale might not admit it, but he likes this verbal sparring.
"Jay sounds like a bird or letter in the alphabet. I think we've been over
this before. James sounds like a nice, unusual name for a lady. So
James, we are talking about our favorite places to visit. What is yours?"
"Why.....it's here with you, Dr. Gale," I say smirking at him. He
just shakes his head.
He turns to the girl beside me and asks her the same lame-ass question.
I forget about the new guy and listen to Dr. Gale for the remaining time.
When we are finished, I get up to leave, but Dr. Gale

calls my name before I can escape.
"James, I need to see you for a second."
Great, now I' m going to have to listen to a lecture for being late. Sitting
back down, I wait for the room to clear. Dr. Gale moves near me and
sits two seats over. He crosses his dark denim clad legs followed by his
arms, bunching up his white shirt.
"Any certain reason you were late today?"
"Sorry, I fell asleep."
"Do you feel more fatigued recently? We may need to adjust some of
your medications. "
"No, really, I'm fine." Smiling, I stand up. "Thanks, Dr. Gale."
"Sit down, James. I'm not finished speaking with you."
Sighing, I flop back down in my chair and look at him. Imitating his
posture, I cross my arms and legs and simultaneously cock my head to
the side.
"How about your dreams? Are they getting worse?"
Raising my head, I glare at him. I haven't discussed any of my dreams
with him, only Dr. Raines.
"James, you know that Dr. Raines and I have to discuss our patients
when they refuse to talk to us. You know, like everyone else, that we do
talk with each other. We don't discuss specifics. She just wanted to
know if you talked about your dreams during our sessions. "
"I don't talk about anything during 'our sessions'. I'm sorry that I do not
feel the need to lay out my feelings for our little group of ' lost boys and
girls' or to play the game of whose life sucks more." My voice rises
with agitation.
"All we are trying to do is help you. Sometimes people open up better
in a group setting, and I am sorry, but as long as you are here, they are
mandatory. You would be surprised, if you would just open up, to find
out that you are not alone. "
"Not going to happen, Dr. Gale. I'll attend because I have to, but any
opening up will be done in private. "
"If that is what helps you, then, by all means, keep doing what you're
doing. Just keep in mind the goal that we have here is that you find,
within yourself, a place of peace. So when you leave here, you can

function happily for yourself. The only other thing that I want to point
out is that a group session helps you connect. Connecting to people is
another important factor in your recovery from depression. Letting
someone in so they may know the signs of when you 're feeling down is
crucial. Just something to think about," Dr. Gale finishes and stands
with a look of resignation on his face.
I do realize they are both trying to help me. I understand that Dr. Raines
and Dr. Gale are not the enemies, but talking about me has always been
my problem. I'd rather bottle it up and bury it than discuss it. Standing,
I look up at him. "I know that you all are just trying to
help... "
"Jay," he says, interrupting me and shaking his head, "it is more than
that. I want to make sure that that sassy girl that acts like she's not
listening to every word spoken during each session finds a reason to
live. I want to know that she looks at life and sees an endless road of
journeys and adventures instead of roadblocks and dead ends. I can't
make that decision for you, but I can help you find the tools to get you
to a better emotional place. You just have to let me. "
Smiling, I don't think he realizes what he just called me. "I know. I
know. It's just hard for me to let anyone in, but I'll try. That's all I can
promise for now," I reply turning around to leave.
"To try is all I can ask," he says as I walk out of the room.
Heading back to my room, I decide to skip dinner again. Living this life
is not easy. In fact, I can't remember a time when it was. I get nauseous
just thinking about letting people in or allowing anyone to get close, but
one person comes to my mind - Kane. Sitting down on my bed, I grab
my iPod and let the music soothe my bruised and tattered soul.
The next couple days pass as all the days before. The only difference is
the new guy. He doesn't talk about why he's here, but he manages to
find a way to participate in the group sessions. I'm sure Dr.

Gale loves that. I can't help but notice that he continuously looks at me,
and honestly, it's getting annoying. What kind of guy tries to pick up
girls in a nut house?
Following our next group session, Mr. I-like-the-crazy-ones, makes his
move.
Smiling, he nods and says in a deep baritone voice, "Hi."
I really don't have time to deal with him. Leaning towards him I
whisper, "Sorry, call me 'crazy', but I really don't believe this is an
appropriate place to 'pick up girls.' Well, you know, with 'crazy' being
the operative term here. I' m so not interested. "
His forehead bunches up as he looks at me. With a little laugh, he
shakes his head and says, "Uh, I was just going to introduce myself, but
since you seem to think you're God's gift to guys, I'll move out of the
way so someone else can kiss your ass. "
He turns to leave the room, and once he exits, his laugh echoes down
the hallway behind him. Momentarily stunned, I stand with my eyes
fixed on the doorway, and all I can do is shake my head. Who the hell
does he think he is? He's the one with the staring problem. Ugh!
When Sunday's visitation rolls around, my mother visits by herself
again. I requested that Mrs. Higgins not come.
"Hey, honey," I hear as my mother, loaded down with bags, hugs me
upon entering my room. "I've brought you some new yoga pants and
t-shirts," she says as she lays everything on my bed. Turning around,
she grabs me for another swift hug and kisses both cheeks. She releases
me and pulls back to look into my eyes. "If you lose any more weight,
Jay, you are going to blow away. "
I smile innocently and reply, "Mom, you know the suicide watch diet is
the latest rage. "
"Not funny, Jay. Not funny at all," she says, looking at me like I'm
deranged. Maybe I am. I know what she is going to say next, and the
words make me cringe. I let out a loud sigh.
"Sorry your dad couldn't visit today. He sends his love and will call this
week, but he had a flight out this morning. The business has been so
busy with the amount of T.V. shows and movies coming to Georgia
recently. Your dad is even thinking about hiring another pilot to

help out. You'll never believe who he had to fly in last week. You know
those kids from the vampire show that films here locally? They are here
working on stuff for the upcoming season. He said they were such a
nice group."
My parents own and operate a small airfield that caters to the rich and
famous, and they are both licensed pilots. My dad just hired extra help
so my mother can stay home with me. He isn't handling me being here
very well. In fact, he's only visited twice since I signed myself in. It
doesn't bother me that he hasn't visited much; however, his silence is
killing me.
"It's okay, Mom. I know he is busy."
My mother sits down on the bed and begins to pull everything out of
the bags. She has included new bras, panties, and socks. Focused on the
plethora of undergarments, she softly beings to speak. "I wish you
didn't need any of this, Jay. I am so ready for you to come home." Tears
fill her eyes as she looks up at me, and her voice quivers. "Don't you
think you've been here long enough? Next week is Thanksgiving, and I
would really like for you to celebrate with us at home. "
I walk towards the window and watch the wind blow the multi-colored
leaves off the trees. My chest begins to tighten, and I instantly start
counting in my head to slow my breathing. Tears swim in my eyes,
blurring my vision, as I lean my head against the window pane. The
cold glass chills my forehead, and I feel the weight of my mother' s
hand on the small of my back.
"If here is where you need to be, Jay, I understand. Your father, nor
myself, want to rush you. We just miss you. "
"Well, I missed you for years when I was home alone. Did you miss me
then? While you were off taking care of others, I was at home wishing I
was dead and planning a way to make it happen. Where were you
then?"
Her swift intake of breath destroys me, but her hand stays, like an
anchor, on my back. I don't know if she is holding me from drifting
further away or steadying herself. Anger rises within me. I can't control
it, and I want to hurt anyone and everyone around me. I want to make
them hurt like I hurt. This is why I stay away from people; I am

physically unable to restrain myself. It's eating me alive, and I can do
nothing to stop it.
"I am so sorry, Jay. I was so excited to start the business with your
father. You know, I met him when I was working as an airline steward.
After you were born, I stayed home, but when you started school, I
didn' t know what to do with myself. Your father encouraged me to get
my pilot license, and when the opportunity came to start our own
business, I was like a kid in a candy store. Every dream I ever had was
so close, but I had to make a decision. You were always like a little
adult, and I guess it was because we treated you like one. At first, your
grandmother would stay with you when we had overnight trips, but
when you turned sixteen, we thought you would be okay. We asked
you, but I think we were blinded by our own dreams. "
Her voice breaks, and a sob escapes her. A tremor goes through my
body. I didn't realize how mad I was at her until this moment. Pain
washes over me in waves. I grit my teeth as it violently tugs at my
heart, trying its best to rip it from my chest. Anger-laced tears stream
down my face.
My voice is barely a whisper, but the words seep out from deep within.
"I needed you. I just needed you. "
Wrapping her hands around my waist, she pulls me close. "I am so
sorry, Jay. We were thinking only of ourselves. In our defense, we were
working our asses off to get that business up and running, and it took so
much time just to keep it going. We knew something happened, but we
never imagined it was this. Maybe we were fools, Jay, in thinking our
little world was perfect when, in reality, our main reason for living was
trying to plan a way out of it. "
Listening to her speak, I feel much of my anger recede. We haven't
talked about much of anything since I've been here. I turn and wrap my
arms around her.
"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said those things." My voice cracks as I
reply.
"Yes, you should. You need to get all of this off your chest. I've been
begging you to tell me how you feel. Jay, I wish I could change
everything. I wish I could give your innocence back and return those
that

you love, but I can't. I can only start over and try to be the mother I
always thought I was. I chose my career over you. There. I said it. It' s
not pretty, and I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. Can you forgive me,
Jay?"
Nodding my head, I sniffle and nuzzle into her neck. Her scent fills my
nostrils, and memories flood my mind. As a child, I thought my mother
was the most beautiful woman in the world. I can remember her baking
cookies with me, bandaging my cuts, and ordering late night pizza
when Molly and I would cry over our most recent heartbreaks. Deep
down, I have always known that she loves me, but somewhere along
the way, I grew to accept that I came second to what was important to
her.
I' m not sure how long we stayed that way, but eventually, my heart
slows, and the hate that burned wild inside me settles to embers. Her
hair that was gathered under my cheek is wet, and I' m not sure if it was
from her tears or mine. Pulling my head away and looking into her
glassy red eyes, I smile. For the first time in years, it was genuine, and
my heart feels a little lighter.
Cupping my cheek in her hand, she whispers, "I truly am sorry, and I
just want us to move forward, together."
"I love you, Mom. I want that also, but right now, I'm not ready to come
home. Not yet. "
"Okay, when you're ready, but just promise me that you are getting
what you need here. Promise me that you are really trying to fix you. "
"I am. I just need a little more time." Pulling away, I walk over to my
bed and gather the clothes to put them in the dresser.
"So, do you want to hear about anyone from home?"
"No, we've been through this. I don't want to talk to or hear about
anyone. However, if you will, talk to Mrs. Higgins and tell her that as
soon as I leave here, she will be one of the first people I visit. I just don'
t want to see anyone right now. "
"I'll talk to her Jay. She has been really insistent to see you, but I think I
can handle it. "
Later, my mother and I go for a walk outside. Side by side, we stroll
around the grounds until finally arriving back at the entrance.

"Okay, Jay. I know you said that I can only visit every other week, but
since next week is Thanksgiving, can you make an exception? "
"Mom, I love you, and it's not that I don't want to see you. I just need a
little more time alone to figure things out. I will be sure to call you on
Thanksgiving. I promise." Without giving her an opportunity to
respond, I hug her and kiss her cheek. "Have a safe trip home." With
that, I turn and walk back inside to my somewhat solitary existence.
Before falling asleep, my thoughts run through different scenarios of
what I could have said to my mom. Perhaps I should have accompanied
the harsh and hurtful words that burn from my molten core with telling
her how proud I am of what her and my father have accomplished. I
know that they want the best for me and that they love me, but I don't
know how to express it to her. I drift off to sleep, wishing I could feel
close to her again, to anyone again.
Standing on the grassy banks of the lake, I peer out over the water as
the sun turns it different shades of amber and gold. The breeze gently
picks up my hair and covers my face with its tendrils. Suddenly, strong
arms are around my waist, pulling me back against a solid male body.
Chills run down my spine as his mouth nestles into my neck.
"Why do you taste so damn good? " his voice whispers into my ear.
My heart halts, its rhythm non-existent, as I wait for the pain this
dream will ultimately inflict upon me. I know he isn't real, and I know
he is gone. Knowing these things makes my dream world much more
special; however, it also makes it that much more painful. I' d almost
rather have my nightmares than to deal with this.
"Baby, we don't have long together. Turn around and kiss me like you
mean it. "
" JT, I can' t. This is just a dream. Tomorrow I will wake up and have to
relive it all again, and trust me when I say that I don't want to. I can't. "
I break away from his hold and walk closer to the waterline.
" Jay, " he sighs, " baby, it doesn' t have to be this way. If it' s just a
dream, then we should enjoy being together. " Walking up to me, he
grabs my hand and tries to turn me around. I resist.
" No, JT. I really don' t want to see you. It hurts too much when I

wake up, knowing I' ll never see you again. These stolen dreams aren' t
worth the pain I will not be able to escape tomorrow. Please just go. "
"Where, Jay? Where do you want me to go? If I'm just your
imagination, where do Ifit in your life now? " His voice is low.
I can' t help it. Turning to face him, I gasp at what I see. The face of the
fairytale prince that I have loved forever hasn' t changed a bit. His
thick black hair and sapphire eyes are just as I remember them. His
smile is the only thing that' s different. It' s serene, almost peaceful. He
has on his standard attire of blue jeans and a t-shirt with our school
logo.
Throwing myself into him, I tightly wrap my arms around his neck. This
dream feels so real. I can even feel his chuckle as it shakes his chest.
" Girl, are you ever going to figure out what you want? Push me away,
pull me back. You give a guy whiplash, even if he's only a figment of
your crazy mind. "
Looking into his eyes, it all feels so real, but I know if I give in and let
the dream become reality, it will only hurt more when I awaken. "You
're dead, " I sob, burying my head into his chest.
"But not forgotten, Jay. I know you'll never forget me. " Pulling away
from me, he smiles down and lets me go.
" That' s what I' m afraid of. I' m afraid I will never be able to move
forward unless I let you go, and honestly, I don' t have a clue where to
start. It's my fault, JT. It's entirely my fault. "
Shaking his head, he turns to walk away. I fall to my knees and bow my
head. Tears flow from my eyes and saturate the earth beneath me.
I open my eyes, and my heart starts again. I'm back in the land of the
living and my personal hell-on-earth.

eve; ^Ml, \>\A \ Wib vu**\^. u>46ivi^6%*e9n&\ Uve 16

Van

pain..Ju«^oaioRa. \ » W e . \ eotr. \ <i' e e ^ . \ Hoik. u\

}

e ^*e4

Rolling over, I notice the clock reads 7 A.M. On Mondays, I have early
sessions with Dr. Raines. Slowly, I rise out of bed to stretch my stiff
body. My mind is still hazy from slumber. I grab a pair of black yoga
pants, a grey t-shirt, and my shower items. Sliding on my black ballet
slippers, I head down the hall to the bathroom.
As I pass by the guy' s bathroom, the door suddenly swings opens, and
out charges the new guy. He crashes into me, knocking everything
from my hands.
"Ow...hey, watch where you are going!" Huffing, I bend down to pick
it all up.
"Listen, I' m sorry," he says, squatting down at the same time to help
me retrieve my items.
In haste, I swiftly raise my head and jar my forehead against his chin.
My hands go to my head as the pain radiates through my skull. God, it
hurts. "Damn! Really?!? I can get my own stuff." I hurriedly grab

the scattered items and stand up.
"Are you always a bitch or am I just the lucky one?" he asks before
turning and walking away.
I glare at his back as he leaves, and his words ring in my head. Is this
what I've become? For the past two years, most guys have landed in the
following three categories: friend, foe, or fuck. More often than not,
they can find themselves in the last category because my idea of control
revolved around the concept of controlling my body. Unfortunately,
that notion has messed with my mindset, how I look at guys, and how I
perceive that they look at me.
After showering, I head over to the cafeteria. It's a public space shared
by the entire facility. At any given time, fifty plus people can be sitting
around eating. I grab a cup of coffee and a banana then head to an
empty table. Minutes later, Dr. Gale speaks to me as he walks by.
"Morning, James."
"You called me Jay the other day." That must have caught his attention
because he stops and turns around.
"When?"
"During our little chat. I think I' m getting through to you, Dr.
Gale."
"I don't know about getting through to me. Driving me bonkers may be
a more apt description. See you later this afternoon, James." He smiles
and walks away.
Smiling, I have to admit, he is driving me a little crazy with his need to
always have the last word. I throw away my trash and walk over to Dr.
Raines's office. Her door is always open when she is waiting for me to
arrive.
"Good Morning, Jay," Dr. Raines says with a smile on her face and in
her voice. She is already sitting in one of the chairs that face each other
in the back of her office. With her hair in a bun, prim black suit, and
matching pumps, an air of authority surrounds her.
"Morning, Dr. Raines," I reply, sitting down in the empty chair.
"So, how did your visit with your mother go yesterday? "
"Fine..," I start to tell her but quickly change my direction, "actually,
not so fine." Suddenly, my words can't come out fast enough,

and I tell her everything I said to my mother during her visit. When I
finish, we both fall silent.
"Jay, how did you feel afterwards? Give me the first word that comes to
mind. "
I think about what she is asking for a second before I reply,
"Relief."
"From what?" Dr. Raines asks.
"From saying how I felt. For getting the anger that I didn't know I even
had off my chest. But then, that also left me feeling sad for how I spoke
to her. She didn't deserve that."
"I know we've spoken about this before, but some would say that, in a
sense, you were abandoned. I'm not blaming your parents, but your
emotional state could have been much better had you had their support.
Your mother and I have discussed this in the past. She takes full
responsibility for not being there when you needed her. You needed to
have that discussion, and more importantly, she needs to know how
you
feel."
I notice that she said my mother took full responsibility but not my
father.
"What about my father? I know you have spoken to him. Does he also
take responsibility?"
Dr. Raines gently smiles at me and clasps her hands. "Have you spoken
to your father recently?"
Looking directly into her eyes, I shake my head.
"How does that make you feel? Again, give me the first words that you
think of. "
"Worthless. Broken. Unloved. Unforgiveable. Ashamed. Take your
pick. I feel like he's avoiding me. I don't know what to say to make
anything better, and it's not like I've been given the chance anyway."
"Does your mother know how you feel about your father?"
"No. She can't handle it. She is barely holding it together for me. That's
why I feel guilty about coming down so hard on her yesterday."
"You do know that eventually you will have to speak to him and tell
him how you feel? " Dr. Raines straightens in her chair and leans
forward. "He loves you, Jay. That hasn't changed. He is just trying to

figure out this new life. Is your mother coming to visit on
Thanksgiving?"
"No, she'll be here next week. She wanted to, but I told her I was fine.
I'm hoping she'll go visit my grandmother like we normally do." "Do
you think your mother is living her normal life now?" "What do you
mean?" I ask.
"Do you honestly believe that all of your lives haven't been majorly
disrupted? That life can return to a normal pattern for any of you? I
only ask that, Jay, because I want you to understand that everyone you
were connected with has experienced an irrevocably changed life from
the moment you decided to try and take yours. You can't make
decisions based on how everything used to be. I just want you to be
aware of that. "
Her words stun me. I had a pretty good understanding of how my death
would have affected my family, but I never considered the results of a
botched suicide attempt. I never thought about how they would have to
live with that knowledge. It was different when it was just my secret.
"Just think about that this week. We will discuss it more tomorrow. Do
keep in mind that we only have two more sessions this week since it's a
holiday."
Standing, I really don' t listen to much more that she says. I leave the
office and walk back to my room with my mind abuzz from the things
she said. Grabbing my iPod, I lie down on my bed. I put in my ear buds
and listen to the first song that plays, letting it blast into my head.
I always knew that living was harder that dying, but until today, I had
not realized that it might just be harder on those around me. Do they ask
the same questions that I ask myself? Why me? Why now? Why not
me? Molly wrote me a letter a couple of weeks ago that talked about
how she blamed herself for not being there. I wanted so badly to write
her back to tell her that it wasn't her fault and that she couldn't have
changed anything, but when I sat down the write the letter, the words
never came. My mother also wrote a letter saying that she didn't know
where to go from here.
What have I done to those around me? What have I done to make them
second guess their choices and their beliefs? Now, they have to live

with the knowledge that I am actually willing to do it. They now know
that I will pull the trigger, slice my wrists, or swallow the pills. What
worry they must be going through. It doesn't matter what I want now; I
made a promise to live. I will keep that damn promise no matter what I
do, but the people around me, they don't know about that.
God, I really need to get out of this room. I grab my iPod and walk
down to the common area. It's a small room with a couple of plush
couches, chairs, and several wall-mounted flat screen TVs. We are only
allowed to watch a selection of approved movies, so I never pay any
attention to them. Looking around for a place to sit down, I notice the
only available chair is in the back corner. There's just one problem.
New guy is strumming his guitar in the adjacent seat.
Choices: Stay or go? Going is the easiest, but it will leave me still stuck
in my head. As for staying, well, maybe I have been wrong about him,
and it's time I move forward. I glimpse at him again as his shaggy
brown head bobs up and down, lost in his music. I guess he is about six
feet tall, and even in my "nun-ish" state, I notice he has a decent body.
With his light brown skin and dark features, he stands out. Again, I
ponder why he is here. He has on a black t-shirt that fits snuggly across
his chest and worn grey sweatpants with the knees ripped out. His feet
are bare, but that is common around here.
Making my decision, I walk towards the empty chair as he glances in
my direction. His fingers freeze from strumming, and his dark coffee
colored eyes warily stare at me. I shoot him a small grin, and one of his
eyebrows raises in question. Suddenly, I stop walking and our gazes
lock. I desperately want to turn and walk away, but I can't. My feet, on
their own accord, start towards him again. His eyes never leave mine.
As I speak, my voice shakes with emotion, "Do you mind if I sit
here?"
"Depends. Are you going to bite my head off?"
Shaking my head, I sit down in the chair cross-legged and fidget with
my iPod. The weighted pressure of his eyes clothes me in anxiety.
Before I can place my ear buds in, I hear him clear his throat.
"What? Do I not at least get a 'Hi' or maybe even a 'What's up?'" he
asks, winking at me.

"I thought we talked about the whole flirting thing?" I say sarcastically.
He chuckles and shakes his head. He leans in and whispers back, "Last
I checked, being friendly wasn't the same as flirting." His eyes trace me
from head to toe. "Though, I'll let you in on a little secret. You're not
my type." Moving back in his chair, he begins to play, what I think is
"All Apologies" on his guitar.
Okay, well, that was embarrassing. Not to mention that I am starting to
recognize just how much I do sound like a bitch -- who I hate and who
I need to change.
"I am such a bitch." My eyes go wide, realizing that I may have said
that out loud. He snorts, so I know I made a public announcement.
As he looks at me, his fingers slide up and down the neck of the guitar.
I can't help but notice that he has nice strong hands. He puts the guitar
down and turns to face me.
"The name is Eli. Just in case you are wondering. Like the biblical
prophet, not the football player," he says, holding his hand out to me.
"Jay," I reply back as I reach for his hand.
"Well, Jay. Doesn't seem like you have too many friends around here.
Want to hear the reasons why I think that is? " Smiling at me, he tugs on
my hand one last time and lets go. He picks up his guitar again, sits
back in the chair, and plays some riffs.
Staring at him, I wonder if I have lost my mind. Something about him
reminds me of someone, but I can't think of who it is. Plus, I'm at a loss
for words, and that doesn't happen often.
"No answer necessary. You push everyone away so you can keep
everything bottled up inside, or you could just be a raging bitch. I like
to think the best about people, so I'll go with option A," he says with a
grin.
Is this guy for real? Gritting my teeth, I hold back every scathing
comment that is coming up, but the weirdest thing happens. I laugh.
Hard. Looking at him, I try to think of something to say, but the only
thing that comes to mind makes no sense whatsoever, so of course, it
spills from my mouth.
"I think you have nice hands."
My God, did I just say that I think he has nice hands? For the love

of all that is holy, please let the ground open up and swallow me whole.
He just reminds me of someone, and who that it is, I don't know. It
lingers on the edge of my mind.
He lightly laughs, and with a smirk on this face, says, "Thanks, my
mother gave them to me, whoever she was. Now, what did your mother
give you?"
"Everything, I guess. My dark hair and gray eyes are the same as hers.
My height is from my dad though. "
"Are you close to your parents? " he asks with eyes fixed on me.
"I think I used to be. It seems so long ago now." He seems really
interested in what I have to say. "What about you? Are you close to
your parents?"
He leans closer and looks deep into my eyes. "Define close. Am I close
to driving them to drink? If my dad wasn't a Southern Baptist preacher,
that would be a definite yes. Am I close to driving them crazy?
Absolutely. They're my adoptive parents, and no, I don't know my
biological parents. " He lifts his hand and runs his fingers through his
thick mane of hair. "What' s your story? From what I hear, you' ve been
here almost three months and still haven't spoken up in group session."
Shrugging my shoulders, I choose to ignore him and look at my iPod
like it holds the secrets to the universe.
"Are you always like this?"
"Always like what?" His question catches me off guard, and I glance up
at him.
"Snarky, stuck-up girl one second, lost little girl the next?"
Rolling my eyes, I look back down at my playlist.
Holding his hands up in surrender, he says, "Don't get mad. I just 'call'
it, like I 'see' it."
I shift to my knees and lean towards him, placing my elbows on the arm
of the chair, "What about you? You've got the looks, you've got the
whole Mr. Mystery thing going on, and not to mention, most girls
would just about wet themselves when you play your guitar. What
brings you here? Your eyes are way too clear to be detoxing from drugs
or alcohol. "
His eyes twinkle, and I can tell he is enjoying the little byplay we have
going on. He says, "I'll show you my 'brand' of crazy if you show

me yours?"
Laughing out loud, I tell him, "I don't know if I have just one 'brand'. I
think I shop at the thrift-store of crazy."
We both laugh. For the first time in months, I don't feel so alone. So
isolated. My chest expands a little. I feel as if I can take a deep breath
without every emotion pouring out of me. Watching him, I notice that
every so often he shakes his hair out and runs his fingers through it.
Why this makes me smile, I have no clue, but it does.
"So, Eli-after-the-prophet-not-the-football-player, let's leave show and
tell for another day. Why don't you tell me about what kind of music
you like to play?"
Shrugging, he says, "Of course, the classics like Guns and Roses and
Nirvana. Current music that I like would be Alabama Shakes, Jason
Aldean, and Blake Shelton. "
I raise my eyebrows in question, "Country music? Now, I really didn' t
see that coming. "
"What? Are you stereotyping? My parents are whiter than you, and we
do live in the South. I may not rock the cowboy boots, big belt buckle,
or jacked-up truck, but I like feeling a little twang here and there," he
says, emphasizing his country accent.
"Sorry, my bad," I laugh and say to him.
"Give me your iPod. Let's see what you are rocking." He grabs my iPod
and proceeds to scroll through my music.
He laughs at a couple of things and looks up at me.
"You give a whole new meaning to the word 'eclectic'. Let's see, you
have Kanye, Broken Bells, Karmin, Usher, and what the hell is this?
Justin Bieber? I really don't know what to say. I'm praying you have
younger siblings that you play this for." He presses play and pulls the
earphones out so the song blares from the speaker.
"Give me that!" I say, grabbing for my iPod. He stands up and holds it
above our heads. He's not that much taller than me, but he is wiry, and I
try to reach around him as he bends backwards. He switches it from
hand to hand, and I try my best to snag it. I am suddenly overwhelmed
with laughter as the idiot starts singing.
"As long as you love me, I'll be your platinum, I'll be your silver,

I'

ll

be

your

gold.

As

long

as

you

lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me," he sings to me as he
plays keep away.
We have an audience now. Everyone is laughing along with us. I stop
trying to get my iPod back because it's not working anyway. My side
hurts from laughing so hard. Giving up, I flop back down in my chair
and work to give him my best "I' m pissed" face. Finally, he tosses my
iPod in my lap and throws himself down beside me with a sexy grin on
lips.
Ooh, I so have him now. Licking my lips, I narrow my eyes and say,
"Ok, Mr. 'Hate on my Biebs'. For a hater, you sure do know the lyrics
pretty well. "
He bursts into laughter, "First off, every radio station in the land has
that song on rotation every hour. I'd have to be brain dead not to know
the lyrics. "
I roll my eyes again, and he snorts.
"Please be careful. I'd hate for those witchy eyes to roll right out of your
head. "
I laugh at him. I can't help it. No one has made me laugh in the last
couple months. The pressure starts to build. How can I even laugh
again? Grabbing my chest, I think back to the last time I really laughed.
I was sitting in JT's truck with him and Cal on the way to the party.
"Hey," JT says and pulls me to him, "quit giving my hugs away." I
laugh and kiss his cheek.
"Earth to Jay. Hello. Jay?"
Lost in my memory, I finally hear Eli talking to me, and I turn towards
him. He appears blurry through the tears that fill my eyes. "Talk to me.
Where did you just go?"
At first, I shake my head, and then the words gush out as the tears flow
down my cheeks.
"He's gone, and he's not coming back. He's never coming back for
me."

Eli wraps me in his arms, and I allow it. Draping my arms around him,
I crave the warmth and strength he has to offer. I silently sob on his
shoulder. Feeling my heart shatter over and over again, the pain is razor
blade sharp, and a million cuts shred my body.
Raising my mouth to his ear, I whisper, "God is punishing me for what
I did. He took him from me. A life for a life. "
Oh. My. God. Did I just say that out loud? I don't even know this guy.
That was one of my darkest thoughts, and I just whispered it carelessly
into the ear of a stranger.
Pulling me closer to him, he whispers back, "Don't let go now, Jay.
One-by-one, place each piece of your soul back together, but this time,
make it stronger. Close your eyes and do it. "
Listening to his words, I will the pain to stop. I close my eyes tighter
and swallow the screams that want to burst out. I leash the torment
inside that threatens to reign over me. This time, I choose not to bury
them. I mold them into something I can live with. My eyes fly open,
and I find myself staring deep into his, mere inches from my face.
"I don't know a lot of things, Jay, but I do know that God doesn't
punish. Not on this earth anyway. That's not his style. You are
punishing yourself and using God as an excuse to justify it. He doesn't
want you to suffer, but He'll let you wallow in your own sorrow if that
is what you choose to do. "
Where is this coming from? Eli's words burn through my mind like an
inferno. For almost seventy days, I've listened to Dr. Raines and her
psycho-babble bullshit, but in two seconds, this guy has made more
sense to me than anything she's said.
Clearing my throat, I start to speak when my name is called from the
doorway. Looking up from his arms, I see Dr. Raines standing there.
"Jay," Dr. Raines calls, "you have visitors". She is looking from Eli to
me.
Pulling away from him, I can feel his piercing stare, but I don't look
back. I wipe the tears from my face and grab my iPod before standing.
Bowing my head, I peek at him as I kick the toe of my slippers against
the floor.
"Uh, talk later?" I ask.

"I'll find you," he says smiling.
I walk towards the exit, turning back before I reach the door. He has
picked up his guitar and is playing again. Shaking my head, I turn back
around and realize that my heart feels lighter than it has in a while. Dr.
Raines touches my arm once I walk out into the hallway.
"Jay, there are two detectives here to see you again. They say they have
some additional questions for you. I can go in with you if you
would like?"
Not again. Why today, out of all days, did they choose to come back?
Looking at Dr. Raines, I reply, "Thank you, but I'll be fine."
"If you're sure, Jay? They're in my office."
We both head towards her office, but once we reach it, she leaves.
When I walk in, there are two new detectives standing, waiting for me.
The first is a tall dark-skinned African American man with a bald-head.
He has kind brown eyes with a large build and introduces himself as
District Attorney Kyle Reeves. The second is a short Asian female with
inky-black hair. She also has gentle brown eyes and a slight build. She
introduces herself as Agent Morris from the Georgia Bureau of
Investigation.
Following the introductions, we sit down, and Mr. Reeves leans
towards me. "Well, Miss James Stevenson, it's finally nice to meet you.
I know you' ve met with the Jackson Heights police detectives and
answered their questions. That information was forwarded to us;
however, it is imperative that we speak to you directly. We have tried to
give you some privacy while you have been here, but now we are
running out of time. Do you know why we are here today?"
"I'm sure it has something to do with Coach Branch." Bile rises in my
throat at the mention of his name.
"Yes, as you may know, Bruce Branch was arrested on charges of
statutory rape and released on bail. Because this type of crime was
committed by a teacher on school grounds, it falls to state prosecution.
From this point forward, you will only discuss the case with either
Agent Morris or me. Should you be contacted for any questions
regarding the case, you will state 'no comment' and refer them back to
me. Do you understand, Miss Stevenson?"

"Yes, Sir," I answer back. The tone of his voice is stern. I really don' t
think I have a choice.
"We have your recorded testimony, but we have a few more questions.
First off, do you remember ever hearing who recorded your
conversation with Bruce Branch?
Clearing my throat, I say, "No, I never did hear who did."
"We were able to connect the message back to the original phone
number it was sent from; however, that person states their phone was
stolen that same day. They also have an alibi of where they were during
that time period. We really need to find who sent that text message. "
"I' m sorry, Mr. Reeves, but I have no idea who recorded it. Not to
mention, I've been here a majority of the time since that day."
"In your interview, you did say that you didn't save any letters or
flowers that he sent you. Is that correct? "
"Yes, Sir. I did not keep anything." My stomach clinches at the
thought.
Mr. Reeves looks at me like he's slightly annoyed. I roll my eyes and
try to get comfortable in my chair.
"I realize that I may be boring you, Miss Stevenson, but I assure you
that the questions I ask you will be a large factor in your case. I
understand that you previously stated that you refuse to testify. Is this
still correct?"
Looking down, I answer, "Yes."
"Well, I want you to think about this. I believe you are old enough to
understand our judicial system. Georgia, unlike most states, uses the
term ' statutory rape' to describe unlawful sex with a minor. Anyone
found guilty of this crime faces very serious prison time." Clearing his
voice, he continues. "Of course, it can be more difficult to get a
conviction for statutory rape in Georgia than in any other state. The
reason is because a pure he-said-she-said type of case is not sufficient
evidence. We need additional evidence, such as the eyewitness that
taped the entire conversation between yourself and Mr. Branch.
Unfortunately, a dark and grainy video with limited visibility doesn't
cater to our needs. It would be rational to say, without your testimony,
no matter how compelling the case, that it is not sufficient to prove
guilt beyond

reasonable doubt. "
I gasp at his words and reply, "I just can't do it."
"Then, he will more than likely walk out of that courtroom a free man."
"Jay," Agent Morris says in her soft voice, "you still have time to think
about it. Why don't I come back to visit you in a couple of weeks?"
Just wanting to get rid of them, I answer, "Yes, that will be fine. I'm not
feeling well. Please excuse me." I stand and walk out of Dr. Raines's
office, straight to the bathroom. Feeling the acidic vomit back up in my
throat, I lean over the toilet and empty my stomach. I fall to my knees,
and I am unable to stop the tears. They fall freely down my face, and
silent sobs rack my body as my mind races.
I refuse to think about testifying against him or even being in the same
room as him. The thought of talking about what happened in front of
my family and my friends causes my body to jerk in revolt. I just can't.
Ever.

¿9*04

C

|

we in w^ iieow*.'Telling we iV |< n*V v*^ ^MiW. Telling

we il: i<#. ^ <ievil i^

Q

W-iuW^uV.iVHelicii r?i*wi£in^ we

A

^eoven.^uV *\ell 'Aane£ WtanlVVe h i V . <b>y>c* in e>(es.

*Ve M

QV

C< wet* £*int:We\ Uve.^n<i\ w ^cQ, o;^in^ '.*n^in^

\?uV\ woie w>f »vin ^5% w i4 e. "One \ will neve; ..£v"fcK
...?>K"fc-\^.
My skin crawls when I listen to her ask the same question again, the
one that she has asked me in our meetings since day one.
"Can we talk about the rape, Jay?" Dr. Raines asks in hushed tones.
"I've told you what happened. I've told the police what happened. I
think I've talked it to death. It happened. The end. Well, not for me I
guess." I laugh at my own little joke. Looking over at Dr. Raines, I
notice she looks highly perturbed.
"Jay, laughing doesn't make it feel better on the inside. I want to know
your thoughts today when you think about it. Do you still feel the
shame you mentioned before? "
Burying my head in my hands, I shudder as I allow myself to reach into
that box hidden deep down within me, the one that holds my darkest
feelings. Before, I could feel the anger overflowing from it, and yes, the
shame would be there too. It's all still there but muted. I can look at it
closer without it tearing my soul out, and that's a first.
I don' t know if Dr. Raines can read the look of surprise on my face,

but I look up and reply, "I was so ashamed of what happened to me and
the thought that I could, somehow, control it." I shake my head in
response to my own words. I am speaking to myself just as much as I
am speaking to her. "But I couldn't, could I? I didn't ask for it. I sure as
hell didn't want it. That naive girl didn't know what she was doing, and
she didn' t have any idea what he would do or what he was capable of
doing."
Dr. Raines nods her head. "Most people think that those in a mentor
position, such as a teacher, are there to guide and protect. Every day,
parents send children to school thinking they are in a safe place. As a
child, you are led to believe the same. So when something like this
happens, especially by someone that we empower to protect our
children and in an environment that we feel is a safe place, it's almost
life-altering. It changes one' s beliefs, and for those it happens to, they
have to learn to dissimilate from the situation. "
"I thought he was my friend," I whisper. "That he cared about
me....about JT."
"Do you think that JT would have blamed you for the rape? That he
would have been ashamed of you? "
"No! God, no. I. he... " Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continue,
"It would have destroyed him. God, it did anyway. " My voice breaks at
the end, and tears build. "Was I always destined to be the one that
ruined him? No matter what decision I made? "
"Listen to me, Jay. You tried to protect those around you in the only
way you knew how: silence. When it came out that night, you already
knew how he would react, so what did you do? You' ve already told me
that you tried to stop him. You begged and pleaded, but you couldn' t
control him or the situation any more than the day you were raped. It
was out of your hands. The moment JT decided to let his anger control
his actions is the moment he took his life and the fate of others into his
own hands and out of yours. I know you blame yourself for that also,
but look at me young lady. "
Staring directly into her eyes, I let the truth of her words wash over and
into me.
"You can blame yourself for many things, but what happened to

you and the death of JT is not one of them. Life is, at times, ugly and
unfair. That you harbored all that happened to you and then still lost
what was most precious, is one of the most tragic tales I have ever
known. Jay, the way I see it, the main reason you didn't tell wasn't
because of being ashamed, it was to protect those from the hurt and
pain of knowing the truth. You say that you were shutting them out so
they wouldn't feel your death as deeply, but again, that wasn't it. You
knew the pain and heartache it would cause. You kept it within
yourself. "
Pausing, her eyes look intently into mine, "You want the truth? Those
two years you could have ended your life, but you didn't because you
wanted to live. You weren't looking for a way out, Jay. You were
looking for a way back in. "
Tears stream down her face as we both continue to stare at each other.
Finally, she sits forward and reaches her hand for mine. I allow her to
grasp it and look down at them.
"Jay, I wish you could see what I see: a strong and courageous young
lady. One day you may meet her, and then again, maybe you never will.
Either way, what happens from now on, you have to make peace with
your past. Live for those that can't. The one thing that you already
know is that life goes on. "
She stands and pulls me up to hug me. Letting go of me, she steps back
and looks down. "Things are changing for you, whether you know it or
not. I like this girl that you are becoming. Allow her to come through to
deal with her feelings and find peace. "
Nodding my head, I wipe the tears from my eyes with my shirt sleeves.
"We'll talk more next week, okay?"
"Okay," I say, and for once, I mean it. As I walk out the door, Dr.
Raines stops me with one last remark.
"Oh and Jay, if you need to talk with someone, you can't go wrong with
Eli. In fact, I think you will find that you both have a lot in common."
Her words puzzle me, but again I nod and walk out. Grabbing my
jacket out of my room, I decide to walk outside. I let Tami, one of the
nurses, know where I am going and head for the doors.

November in the South is such a beautiful time. The leaves are vibrant
hues of red, orange, and yellow as they hang from the trees and lie
scattered on the ground. The wind catches my hair as I breathe in the
crisp fresh air.
Following one of the trails, I come to a stone bench and sit down. I
draw my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, resting my
feet on the edge. Closing my eyes, I think about what Dr. Raines said. I
can't help blaming myself, but I do understand what she is saying.
Some days, when I allow myself to think about what happened to JT, I
get so damn angry at him. Just to think that I was going to live for him,
and he left me there at the party when I cried and begged him not to go.
I hate him for it, for leaving me. Then, I feel guilty because he did it for
me. He's dead because of me.
"Hey you."
Interrupting my thoughts, I look up to see Eli. I smile and say, "Hey."
He is wearing a pair of black track pants and matching pullover. A
black unmarked baseball cap is pulled low on his head.
"You want some company?"
"Sure, why not. I can squelch my bitchy beast for a little while," I reply
with a grin.
He sits down beside me with his hands in his pullover and crosses his
legs out in front of him.
"Everything okay yesterday? I didn't see you again afterwards, and you
didn't come to group session last night."
"Yeah...I didn't feel well. Dr. Gale actually excused me."
"That guy cracks me up. He's a good addition to Lanier Oaks."
A good addition? He makes it sound like he's been here before. "So,
this isn't your first time here?" I see him grimace as he stares off into
the distance.
Sighing, he turns toward me, "You might say that this is my home away
from home. "
What does that mean? I don't know if I even want to know, so I don' t
ask.
We sit in silence for the next couple of minutes. I breathe in the air, the
calm, the peace, and maybe the solidarity of having someone beside

me. I didn't know how much I craved that. For two years, the whole
time I was pushing people away, I was actually yearning not to be
alone. I laugh at the irony.
"You're supposed to laugh after my joke, not before it. Well, unless
you're laughing at me, then that's totally understandable," he says
smiling.
"Definitely not laughing at you. I find myself the 'butt' of the joke, as
always. I'm eager to hear this joke of yours though."
"Ok, you asked for it. What did the girl cantaloupe say to the boy
cantaloupe?"
"What?"
"We are too young; we 'can't elope!'"
It takes me a second, but I finally get it. "That's corny and stupid," I say
but smile because I can't help it.
"Wait, I've got another one. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells! "
A loud chuckle escapes me, and I shake my head, but the nut keeps
on.
"How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face! If Frosty the Snowman
married a vampire what would they name their child?
Frostbite!"
Laughing so hard my stomach hurts, I look at him. "Stop it, you idiot.
Those are so not funny. "
"Who's the idiot laughing liking a hyena? Please. You know you like
them. Just admit it," he says grinning like a jackass.
My face hurts from smiling. "Please tell me that girls don't laugh at
those jokes. I don't see you getting many dates with them. I'm laughing
at just how awful they really are. "
"Now you are really hurting my feelings," he says with a straight face,
". but you are right. I haven' t picked up one girl with my joke
telling."
I nudge his arm with my elbow, "You need to work on your bad jokes."
"Girl, I've got so many for you. What did the..."
He starts, but I slap my hand over his mouth before he can finish.

"NO! No more jokes. Have some sympathy for my splitting headache.
"
Laughing, he says, "Saved today, but tomorrow, I'll have some good
ones for you. "
"You know, I just finished my session with Dr. Raines, and do you
want to know what she said to me?"
He looks at me and shrugs. "Sure. "
"That we, as in you and me, have a lot in common. She said that you
would be a good person for me to talk to. "
Eli looks at me baffled, like he's trying to figure something out. "Well,
that's.... I didn't think that you were....or maybe not?"
"You didn't think that I was what?"
He is about to answer when his name is called. Tami is coming towards
us.
"Hey Eli, you have a visitor," she says.
"Thanks," he replies. He redirects his attention back to me. "It's
probably my mom. She is trying to talk me into coming home for
Thanksgiving. Are you going home?"
"No, I've already spoken to my mother about it."
"Well, maybe we can spend it together. That is, if you want to? "
"Sure. I was just going to have a vampire movie marathon. It's probably
not your thing, but you're welcome to join me."
"Are you kidding me? I actually visited the town where the movie was
filmed last year." His grin is infectious.
"You did not," I say, slapping his arm.
"Ouch, and yes, I did." Standing, he looks down at me. "Movie
marathon on Thursday. I'll bring the popcorn; you bring the drinks.
Deal?"
"Deal," I reply, and he turns to head back toward the building.
I watch him disappear around the corner. Eli confuses me. He seems to
have himself more mentally together than anyone I know. During our
group sessions, he counsels the crowd just as much as Dr. Gale, and
everyone listens to him. Plus, he is very well-liked. I catch the girls
staring at him constantly. I want to know his story, but at the same time,
I don' t want to push him for it. He is going to demand mine in return,
and I'm not ready for that.

After being around him today and yesterday, I see that he is not
interested in me other than a friend. It's a lot like being with Reed or
Cal, and I' ve missed that. I figure he must have a girlfriend back home
that he is serious about and misses. My stomach growls, reminding me
it' s lunchtime, so I head back in.
The following days and weeks start to shape my new life and the new
me. Eli and I spent Thanksgiving together watching movies, and it
ended with a massive popcorn fight. People are still finding kernels
everywhere in the common area. Who knew that a discussion about
whether it would cooler to be vampire or a werewolf would spark such
a heated debate?
When I' m not with Dr. Raines, I spend almost all my time with Eli. We
talk about everything. Well, everything except why we're here and
things back home. We've skirted around our stories so much that it's
almost second nature. Despite the fact that we abstain from sharing
such vital details, I still believe that I have grown closer to him than
anyone else in my life right now. Oh, and as for his bad jokes, they've
only gotten worse, and he has an arsenal full. He refuses to stop until I
cry for mercy. His family may have him here because they can't take
anymore. The more I listen to him, the more I believe that could be the
truth.
Several weeks pass, and I realize that Christmas will be here shortly.
My mother and father both visited last week and begged me to come
home. My dad surprised me the most with his presence. I even saw
tears in his eyes as he asked me to go home with them. He told me his
missed me, we hugged, and we talked. I know we have a long way to
go, but for the first time, I feel like we can make it past this. Of course,
I told them I still wasn't ready, and begrudgingly, they left me here.
Agent Morris visited twice, and each time she asked more of the same
questions. Her main reason for visiting hasn't changed. She tells me
they are still trying to build a case against Coach Branch and my
testimony may be the key. My answer remains the same - no.

Walking from my session with Dr. Raines, I go to meet up with Eli in
the common area. He has volunteered us to put up the Christmas tree.
As I enter the room, I notice him talking to one of the new girls who
arrived last week. I'm pretty sure she is dealing with a pretty bad detox
because her hands continuously shake, and her eyes are shifty.
"Hey Jay. You remember Kim, don't you?"
I smile and say, "Yes." The tree is already up, so I start helping them
hang ornaments. Eli has such patience with her. He takes his time and
helps her hang the ornaments from the boughs. Again, I am struck by
just how good of a guy he is. Finishing up the tree, I can't take another
minute of not knowing. Smiling at Kim, I ask, "I'm going to borrow
him for just a second. We will be right back. Okay? "
Eli looks confused, but he follows as I walk outside to the adjoining
patio. It's cold but not freezing, and we are alone. Thank goodness. I sit
down in one of the chairs that faces another, hoping he gets the idea.
Finally, he takes a seat and places his palms down on his thighs. I take a
deep breath and begin.
"Two years ago, I was raped by a coach at my high school which
resulted in an abortion." Wow, I really didn't think I would ever be able
to say that out loud to anyone I care about. "During that time, I pushed
everyone away from me because I planned on killing myself at some
point and didn' t want to hurt them anymore than possible. It was hell. It
would have been torture if not for my friend, Rhye, who I dated some
during that time. Anyway, two years later I meet this guy, Kane, who
makes me start to think that maybe I did want my future, but at the
same time, my past was getting in the way of us. My boyfriend that I
had since seventh grade never gave up on me. I always loved JT, but I
started to fall for Kane. Everything was confusing, but ultimately, I
chose to live. Dr. Raines said that I really chose that long ago, and I was
just waiting for myself to realize it. "
"Wait," Eli says, shaking his head as to clear it. He stands up with both
hands on his hips and looks down at me. "So you're not gay?"
"Wait. What? Who said I was gay?" I ask confused.
"Uh... nobody," he answers, sitting back down. "Please continue with
your story. "

I gaze at him like he has lost his mind, but I continue anyway. "Well, I
chose to live and try to work things out with JT. He had been waiting
for me, and I felt like I owed him that chance. However, one night, he
found out about what happened, and on the way to confront the coach,
he was involved in a car accident." Blinking back the tears, I stop to
clear my throat. "I saw him on the side of the road -- his lifeless eyes
staring back at me. My mind shut down, and I chose to do what I had
already planned. I drove back to my house, swallowed a bunch of pills,
and fell asleep in my tub. I was hoping to either overdose or drown, but
I ended up here instead. "
Glancing towards Eli, I see that he is staring back at me. "I heard about
that on the news. They didn't release your name, but right before I came
here, I saw them talking about it. I am so sorry and I can't imagine, Jay.
Well, some of it I can. "
He doesn't say anything at first, but finally, I see resolution deep within
his eyes. He inhales deeply and begins, "Over a year ago, my boyfriend
died after telling his parents that we were gay. His dad was visibly
upset, and things became physical. Instead of trying to calm him, I
jumped in a car with Mike, and he accidently ran off a bridge into a
river. I swam to the banks with only a scratch, but the car sank so fast
that I couldn't save him. Needless to say, I spent a couple of weeks here
after everything happened because I couldn't deal with life for a while."
Sadness appears in his eyes. "How would you like to live in a
community where most people actually thought it was a condemnation
from God that he died because we were gay? How would you feel
knowing that your own father was one of those believers? "
Standing, he turns away and speaks softly, "All my life, I've believed in
God. I listened to my father every time the church doors were open as
he talked about how He loves everyone, sinners and saints alike. But,
the moment I told my father I was gay, everything changed. Oh, he
preached how he loved me and how God still loved me, but on the
inside, it was eating him up. It still eats him up because he thinks it' s a
choice. The truth is that he hates me because my very existence makes
him have to question the faith that he' s always stood on. We fuss
constantly. So, my mother sends me here every once in a while when
we

need a break and to deal with my depression, she says." He shakes his
head and turns to face me.
I think my jaw is on the floor. "What?" He asks.
"I....well...I mean...I." I can't put a sentence together to save my
life.
"Jay, I am so glad that you and I have had this time to get to know each
other before sharing our pasts. You' ve gotten to know the real me
without all the baggage. So, just say what you' re thinking. "
"You don' t act gay. " Did I just tell him that he doesn' t act gay? The
guy spilled his heart out to me, and that is all I have to say. I mentally
and physically slap my head. "I mean...well. It's just that..."
"Does it matter, Jay? Does that change anything between us? Because
it shouldn't."
"No! Of course it doesn't. It's just that, out of everything, I didn't see
that coming. And, I don't have a problem with who someone loves; it's
just that most of the gay guys I know are a little...effeminate." I fix my
eyes on him as I finish. As I wait for his response, I am suddenly struck
by what he said earlier. "Wait, why did you think I was gay? "
He looks a little sheepish when he says, "When you told me Dr. Raines
said that we had something in common, I thought that was what she
was talking about. Plus until today, I hadn't heard you talk about a
boyfriend, so I just figured we were in the same situation. "
Looking at him, I actually shake my head and laugh, "Now your whole
obsession with werewolves makes sense. It's all about what the
werewolf looks like." He laughs and comes to stand in front of me,
grabbing my hands and pulling me upward.
"We are one messed up pair, but whatever. It works," he says, staring
into my eyes.
I look down at our joined hands and instantly realize why I've always
had a strange fascination with him. His strong hands remind me of JT's.
It doesn't make me sad; it makes me think that JT is still here. I haven't
had as many dreams lately, and that is a good thing.
Looking up, I see a gleam in his eyes as he says, "You know this doesn't
change anything. I'm not going to magically start fixing your hair or
doing your nails. That's not my thing. Now, when we get out of

here if you want to go four-wheeling, I' m your guy. "
Laughing at him, I say, "C'mon lets go in. Enough sharing for
today."
I need to process what he has told me and what Dr. Raines has said to
me. Life seems to like throwing curveballs my direction. It's not that Eli
being gay bothers me; I just didn't see it coming. He's so masculine, and
he's the quintessential "guy's guy". In reality, he is everything that I
would normally be attracted to. I guess, in a way, it's like having JT
back. Things between Eli and I are so similar to the way things were
with JT before everything happened, minus the sexual attraction of
course. It's a pure love, and it's what I have missed most over these last
two years.

"Okay, this evening we are going to talk about the role your personal
religion, or lack thereof, plays into your recovery. Can any of you talk
about how your religion hinders or helps it? " Dr. Gale asks everyone as
he walks in a circle around our chairs.
Sitting beside Eli during our group session, I look around the room.
Our group has been whittled down to seven. Everyone else was
apparently miraculously "cured" by the Christmas spirit and went
home. As always, Eli gets the group started when he answers Dr. Gale.
"Well, most of you know that my father is a preacher, and I am a
Christian. He doesn't agree with my lifestyle, but as I like to remind
him, if my Jesus was here on Earth now, he'd be hanging with us
'so-called' sinners instead of all you saints. My faith steadies me during
my trials of depression and makes me hold fast when things get tough.
It's sad, though, when people I've known my whole life question my
faith because of their own bigoted views. "
"Thanks for sharing, Eli. When others express intolerance and
prejudice towards us, they can act as triggers that lead us back to bad
habits or bouts of depression. What about you, Jay?"
I' ve been opening up much more during group sessions lately. I

primarily have Eli to thank for that. He is constantly encouraging me to
speak up, but for the first time, I decide to speak for myself.
"I grew up going to church every once in a while with my parents. I was
baptized when I was little, and I guess I always considered myself a
Christian. As I got older, my parents traveled a lot, and we didn't attend
anymore. I still remember everything I learned as a child. After I had
my abortion, I started having these nightmares. I assume they stem
from the guilt of knowing that I ended a life, but at that time, I didn't see
it that way. In my dreams, Satan would come and talk to me. He would
quote bible verses that I remember hearing as a child or just make me
feel guilty for what I did. When JT died, I felt that God was punishing
me for having the abortion, taking a life for a life. I guess, in many
ways, my religion has hindered me from my own recovery. "
"I don't think it hindered you, Jay. It was just one more emotional
obstacle you had to overcome. Your main problem was a sense of
forgiveness, but it's only good if you apply it to yourself and move on."
Dr. Gale finishes with a smile and a wink. "I think you're getting there."
After group session, everyone heads to the cafeteria for dinner. There is
only a week until Christmas, but it's been three months since I arrived.
JT's gone, and he's never coming back. Taking a deep breath, I realize
that knowing that still hurts, but it doesn't kill me to think it anymore. I
can't say that I've made peace with it just yet, but I am starting to
understand that there is only so much I can blame on myself.
"Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?" Eli asks as he pulls my arm, and
we fall back from the rest of the group.
"Sure." We allow everyone else to disappear around the hallway.
"It's time, Jay."
I know what he is saying. I was just thinking the same thing. "I know."
Breathing deep, I look at him and nod my head. "There is so much I
haven't told you about what is waiting for me at home. There's the trial,
and JT's mom wants to talk to me. I've heard it's nothing bad, but the
thought just scares me to death. Then there is Kane. "
"Wait...which one is he?"
"I met Kane the first day of my senior year. He's the bartender that I
started to fall for. He was the one that made me really start thinking that

I could have a future. Actually, I really don't think I need to worry
because I am pretty sure he's moved on." "What makes you think that?
"
"I haven't spoken to him in three months, and the letters he sent tend to
lend to that idea." Cringing, I think about those letters. "Do you want
him to move on or not?"
Sighing, I reply, "Eli, how can I even think of being with someone else?
I didn't want him waiting for me anyway. He needs to move on. Damn,
I even chose JT." I am walking in circles. I stop and look up at him,
"Ugh, you're right though. I still think about him. A lot."
"What did his letters say?"
"Do you want to read them?" "Only if you want me to, Jay."
Nodding my head, I turn, and he follows me to my room. I grab the
letters as soon as we walk in, and I thumb through them to find Kane' s.
"Okay, I'll let you read the ones that I've read over and over." I hand
them to Eli, and he sits on the bed and begins to read. I pace the room,
anxiously waiting for his response. When he's finished, he looks over at
me.
"I' m kind of scared to read the next letter. "
I know what he's talking about. I could only make myself read it once. I
hand Eli the third letter he wrote. He unfolds it, and I join him on the
bed.
Jay,
I have to get this out. I have to know. How the hell could you do it? Just
like Matt. How could you both take your life? I don't understand it. I
don't eat, sleep, or work thinking about it. I don't know what the hell I
am doing. Here I am laying this shit on you again, but who else do I talk
to? I don't even know if you got my other letters. Who knows? Maybe
you're not even opening them.
I don' t even know why I keep writing, but HELL YES I do. You.
You're fucking burned on my brain. I can't get you out. When I shut my
eyes you're there. I hear your laugh and GOD... I still hear your cries. I

even think that I smell you, and it drives me insane. How did you crawl
inside me so fast?
I can't do this........
Sitting down beside Eli, he looks at me.
"Jay, the guy seems to really care about you. There is no doubt about
that, but I have to be honest, I think you've royally messed with his
head. "
Lowering my head into my hands, I groan. "He needed to move on, Eli.
I was tearing him apart. There was just too much between us. "
"I think he'll be waiting when you get home."
"I don't know. Even if he is, it would be like starting over, and I'm not
sure I am ready for that. I need time to get me right." Standing up, I
head back out of the room and motion for him to follow. He stands, but
his feet remain planted.
"Just remember this. I believe that you and I may mourn our first loves
for the rest of time, but I've come to learn that our lives didn't end that
day. We are still here living it, even at times when we wished we
weren't. The only thing that bothers me about hearing about this Kane
guy is your own words. You admitted that he was the reason you
decided to live again. You didn't say that about JT. You said you owed
him the chance to be together. Just a thought, Jay. Don't lose out on
something that could be forever because you think the timing isn't
right. Don't let fate decide. "
I turn and head for the hallway again, not stopping to see if he follows.
Maybe I should have written Kane back for his peace of mind. I may
have ruined everything because of that. It's too late to write, but maybe
it's not too late to talk to him. Making my decision then and there, I turn
back and see Eli walking towards me.
"I'm going home tomorrow. It's time," I say before I have a chance to
change my mind.
"Yes it is, for both of us. You know I only live forty-five minutes from
you. I' m always here if you need me, Jay. "
Stepping to him, I wrap my arms around his warm chest and let his

warmth seep into me, thawing me from the inside out. "Thanks, Eli. I' ll
always be here for you, too." I give him one final squeeze and release
him.
"You'll be fine. Just take it one day at a time, and please, cage that
bitchy beast. "
We both laugh and head to the cafeteria for dinner.
That night, before letting sleep claim me, my mind drifts. What I am
going to do when I get home? Things will never be the same.
My eyes flash open, taking in my surroundings. I'm sitting on the
concrete floor of the gym closet at school. It's a large closet with
shelves that hold all the cheerleading art supplies and banners. Paint,
paper, and brushes encircle me. In my hand is a brush, dripping with
thick crimson paint. Well, at least I think it' s paint. Realizing where I
am, I immediately jump up as the door opens.
Coach Branch leans against the door jamb with a crooked smile on his
face. His dark brown eyes gleam, and his thick brownish hair falls
across one eye. His vile body is muscular from his regular workouts.
"What Jay? Aren 't you happy to see me? Haven't you missed me? "
Closing my eyes, I will myself to wake up. It' s just a dream. I have to
make myself fucking wake up. My eyes snap open again when I hear his
haunting laugh. My devil stands across from me. He' s clad in a t-shirt
and shorts, the same as Coach Branch' s, replacing one evil bastard
with another.
"Ah, my poor girl. Will you ever learn? I live here in your thoughts and
dreams, never to be abandoned. I know your true nature and your evil
ways. I know how you lie in bed at night as your defiled body yearns,
not for the dead boy in the cold ground, but another. You know you
deserve to be punished. "
Stepping inside, he closes the door and turns toward me. I blink, only to
find Coach Branch standing back in front of me. Rage fills my mind as
energy pours through my body. Fight or die. Lunging toward him, I aim
the end of the wood paint brush at his face, but he disappears. From
behind, I hear him laugh in my ear, " Fight me. I want you to. "
Screaming, Ifling my arms out andfight back.

Tangled in my sheets, I fight myself as I violently flail beneath them.
Finally, I free my body from the jumbled web and shove them to the
floor. Breathing heavily, I fall back onto my pillow. It was just a dream.
. only a dream.
The next morning, I walk down to Dr. Raines's office. Her door is open.
I knock in an effort to not startle her, and she looks up.
"Hi, Jay. Come in and have seat. What's going on?
Taking a deep breath, I just say it. "I'm ready to go home." I don't think
I've ever seen Dr. Raines smile that big.
"I think you are too. Of course, I will set you up with a therapist closer
to home. I think you should meet with him or her weekly for now, and
make sure you continue your medication for the time being. I need to
ask though; this doesn't have anything to do with Eli coming to see me
this morning regarding the same thing, does it? Jay, I truly believe you
are ready, but I want you to leave because you believe that you are. "
"Dr. Raines, I'm scared to death to leave, but I know, with all my heart,
that it's time. I know there are things and people that I need to deal with.
I' m ready to do that now. "
"That's all I needed to hear. Just keep in mind that there are going to be
hard days. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and
make sure to stay in daily contact with them. "
I lean towards her for a hug, and she envelops me. She speaks gently in
my ear.
"Live, Jay. Live every day like it's your last. Treasure the moments you
have, and make sure you make them count. The trial is going to be hard
on you and your family. Please know that you can call me anytime."
She releases me, and I step back to thank her. "Thank you for
listening." She nods, and I leave her office for the final time. It's time to

make the call.
I dial my mom's cell number, and butterflies consume my stomach as I
listen to it ring. Closing my eyes, I wait for her to answer. "Hello?" she
answers, almost frantic. "Hey, Mom."
"My God, Jay. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm calling....I'm ready, well...I
think it's time that I come home." There is silence, but only for a
second, before my mother squeals and answers.
"That is wonderful, Jay. Oh my goodness! Your dad is out of town, but
I can come get you. You do want to come home immediately, right? I
can come right now. "
Her enthusiasm puts a smile on my face. "Yes, today would be great."
"I' m on my way, Jay. This is wonderful. Love you. " "Love you too,
Mom. See you in a little while. Bye" "Bye, Jay."
Going to pack everything up, I think about the last ninety-one days that
I've been here. It's been hell, but at the same time, I can't help but regard
this place as a sanctuary from the storm that looms on the outside. I' m
scared to death just thinking about what waits for me at home, but I
can't stay here forever. Even I recognize that everything comes full
circle. It's time to face everything and everyone.
Picking up the letters on the desk, I pull one from the bottom and open
it up. One scribbled sentence. One statement. One request. One
life-changing letter.
You owe it to me to live.
I hug it close to my chest and close my eyes. My heart beats a mile a
minute. I will try first to live for me, but on the days I feel like I can't go
on, I will live for him. No matter what.
My eyes fly open when I hear a tapping sound on my door.
"Knock, knock." Eli's smiling face fills the doorway. "What did the boy
squirrel say to the girl squirrel before he left?"
Shaking my head at him, I take a deep breath and reply, "I don't know,
what?"

He walks over and stands in front of me. "I'm nuts about you."
Tears fill my eyes as I look at this boy; he owns a small part of my soul.
One drop seeps out, running down my cheek.
He raises his hand and gently wipes the tear from my face. "My
beautiful broken girl. You are healing. Half the battle is committing to
waking up every day and living. So, you're ahead of the game. There is
something in you, Jay, something special. It calls to people, makes
them want to befriend you, help you, even love you a little," he says
with a grin.
Moving into his arms, I bury my face in his neck. "You're the special
one. I'm going to miss you."
"Oh, you'll see me enough. Just remember one thing as you go home,
something I'm learning. It's not about who left you here. It's all about
who stayed to make sure you lived to love again. Those people, Jay, are
who you surround yourself with, who you never let go of, and who you
live for. "
He holds me for a little while until we hear the nurse, Tami, from the
doorway. "Eli, your mom is here. "
I look up at him and ask, "Are you going to be okay with your parents?"
"Oh yes. My dad will be fine for a while. He always is." Leaning down,
he kisses my cheek and whispers, "Stay sane. " He glances back one
more time and smiles before strolling down the hallway. My friend. My
confidant. My earthly redeemer.

~ lie* 5 ftuittA " \ cont* d i e . \ V/jve Iri ' i v e. \ Wwe V *

6V<<;V

4*weViwe. ^V

O J

V

£*wevjV&;e.Vve *ut^i*v)nH.i6 Uwbi, H

A

weonin^*^ w>f li^e 16 £vill vnk.n%vjn, even V9 w e .
An hour later, my mother and I are finally loaded up and on our way
home. She is strangely silent. Actually, looking closer at her, she looks
nervous.
"Mom, is everything okay?"
"Yes, honey. Everything is fine. It's just that there are some people at
the house that wanted to see you. " Peeling her eyes off the road for a
second, she looks over at me. "Just a few friends to welcome you home.
" My eyes go wide as I stare at her.
"Mom, you can' t be serious. " She sheepishly looks back at me. "You
have got to be joking?"
"Molly and Reed wanted to plan a coming home party, but with
everything being last minute, I really don't know who all will be there."
Shaking my head in disbelief, I stare at her for another moment before I
blurt out, "Oh my God, Mom! You really have to be kidding me. I'm
having a...what? A, 'Welcome Home....Glad You Didn't Kill Yourself
Party?!?' Please tell me this is not happening. "
"Jay, you have to understand. So many people have missed you. It will
probably be just a few people, hardly anyone at all. I couldn' t turn
Molly down. "

Looking out the window, I cringe listening to her. I just wanted to go
home, get settled, and maybe, in a day or two, call Molly and Kane to
talk. At least I look decent. I'm glad I decided on a pair of True Religion
jeans and a grey hoodie this morning. In the past couple of weeks with
Eli, I have gained back about ten pounds. My cheeks aren' t so hollow
anymore. My dark brown hair shines as it flows halfway down my
back. It' s a far cry from the drab mob that adorned my head for the past
couple months. Glancing into the mirror, I notice that even my grey
slate eyes seem to glimmer.
"Please don't be mad or upset," my mother pleads.
Knowing that she is just trying to help, I send her a small smile. "No
unexpected company in the future. Okay?"
Smiling back, she says, "Okay. I'm just so tickled to have you home."
The rest of way, I glance out the window, trying not to think about who
is waiting for me.
When we finally arrive, there are several cars in the driveway. As she
parks outside the garage, I notice Molly's, Reed's, and Kane's cars, but
there is also a white van that I'm not familiar with.
Taking a deep breath, I step out of the car with my stomach tied in
knots. My mother comes to stand next to me and reaches for my hand.
"They're your friends, Jay. They love you, and they are only here for
support. "
Nodding my head, I let go of her hand and walk to the front door. The
pressure builds in my chest, but I've learned to push it back. Closing my
eyes, I reach for the handle, turn the knob, and open the door.
"Well you look great." Opening my eyes to Molly's statement, I see her
and Reed standing before me. Her rich red hair gleams under the foyer
lights. Her smile illuminates her face as she looks at me. Reed' s dark
eyes still look wary, but he also has a goofy grin on his face. These two
are my oldest friends in the world. Smiling, I step over the threshold
and embrace them.
"Hey, you guys." Stepping back, I notice Molly looking at me.
"Jay, you really do look good. I guess I thought..." Her voice trails
off.

Letting a small laugh escape, I know exactly what she is talking about.
"You should have seen me a couple weeks ago. I was scary and pretty
skeletal looking. "
Looking around, I only see the two of them in the foyer. Reed must
notice because he answers my unspoken question.
"There are only a couple of us here to see you. Everything was last
minute, and since school was out for the holiday break, Molly and I
came over to set everything up. Most everyone is in the kitchen;
however, there is someone who wants to speak with you first. He's in
the living room. "
Molly and Reed look at each other nervously. Turning from them, I
head that way. A million thoughts cross my mind, and I can't even
imagine who it will be, or maybe I can. Stepping into the room, I
suddenly come to a stop. My heart falls from my chest and my head
spins.
Gripping the doorframe, I take in who sits before me. The silver metal
shines new, but it seems more like a cage in my mind than a chair. His
blond hair is shaved close to his head, and a jagged angry-red scar starts
at his temple and runs down the side of his face. In his blue shirt and
jeans, I can tell he has lost so much weight that, in a way, he' s almost
unrecognizable. Everything is different with the exception of the kind
eyes I used to know so well. He grasps his hands together in his lap and
looks me over.
"I guess you got my note," he says. Words fail me as my emotions
almost completely immobilize me. I just nod. "Come here, Jay. "
Walking towards him, I let the first tear silently fall. Coming to a stop
before him, more tears drop, one after another.
"This is not your fault," he says motioning at himself. Looking away, I
can' t listen to what he is saying. "God damn it, Jay! Look at me!" His
commanding tone surprises me so much that I jump. He has never been
that stern. Turning my eyes back to him, I look down into his.
"I' m only going to say this once, and then by God, we are all moving
on. That night, I made an error in judgment. I let emotion rule my
choices, and like an idiot, I got in a car with a driver who was
emotionally worse off than I was. My decision, Jay. Not yours. I know

how you got that whole self-martyred mind set, but sorry, this one is on
me. ONLY ME!" Grabbing my hand, he pulls me down until his face is
inches from mine. "You owe me though, for the hell you put us all
through these past couple years of worrying about you. That is the only
thing you owe me for, and you better pay up from now until eternity by
living."
My voice whispers, "Cal..." as my body vibrates with my mute
sobs.
"Damn, Jay," he says pulling me to sit in his lap.
Letting it all go, I lay my head on his chest. I can't stop the sudden
outburst of emotions. My cries turn to wails as the pain bleeds out.
Rubbing my hair, he whispers back, "Shhhh.. .I lived, Jay. We both
lived. That's all that matters. Shhh...don't cry."
Time passes. I'm not sure how much. Finally, my crying subsides, and I
lift myself up. "I am so sorry...," I start to say before he brings his
fingers to cover my mouth.
"I've heard enough of 'sorry' to last a life time. How 'bout we try
something different?"
He looks at me, and I say the only thing that matters, "I've missed
you."
Grinning from ear to ear, he replies, "Yeah, well, I've missed you
too."
"Is this permanent?" I have to ask. I have to know. Pursing his lips
together, he nods.
"I' m paralyzed from the waist down. I was mad at first, but then when
you look at the alternative, I guess I didn't draw the short stick. There
are days I wish I could choke JT out one last time, though. Damn that
boy. You know he didn't listen to anyone for shit." His bitter laugh fills
the room, but a lost look flashes across his face. "Listen, we'll talk later,
but for now, I've taken enough of your time. There are others waiting
for you. "
Slowly I stand up and look down at him again. I don't know what to
say. My heart is breaking all over for him -- for the loss of his legs and
the loss of his best friend.
"Ok, now you get to see my mad skills at driving this bitch, " he

says with a wide grin, breaking up the melancholy.
Now this is the Cal I remember. A small smile forms on my lips.
"I see that smile. C'mon let's go see who all came out to welcome your
fine ass home." Grinning, he winks at me and says, "You know, I
thought you'd come through those doors looking like death, and I was
going to have to lie and tell you how pretty you were. So glad to be
wrong."
He wheels ahead of me, surprising me on just how efficient he is.
Following him as he keeps chatting, I head to the kitchen. As I walk in,
I see my mother, Molly, and Reed at the bar talking and laying out
sandwiches. Cal's mother is sitting with my grandmother at the
breakfast table, and they both stand to hug me. While embracing me,
my grandmother tells me how much she has missed me. I kiss her on
the cheek when my eyes narrow on the only other person here.
Across the expanse of the room, I see him for the first time in months.
His dark hair has grown out slightly, but those emerald eyes are as
piercing as always. He is dressed in a long-sleeve grey button-up shirt
and black dress slacks that emphasize the amazing body underneath.
Kane's eyes haven't left mine, and the slight smile on his face highlights
his dimples. My heart stops for a second.
I wasn't ready for the visceral affection between us. My entire body
tingles from head to toe with a slow burn starting in my belly. The hum
of sexual attraction snares me, and I immediately feel ashamed. JT has
only been dead for three months.
Finally, after what seems like eternity, he walks toward me with his
hands in his pockets. Approaching me, he shakes his head and looks
deep into my eyes.
"Come here, girl," he says in a husky voice as he envelops me in a
hug.
You know what Heaven feels like? It feels like two-hundred pounds of
steel muscle wrapped around you with the most invigorating body
smell that invades every sense you have. It is the rhythmic beating of
his heart as it sounds in my ear. I grip his back, knowing he is really
here. It's the feeling of being safe, protected, and loved. It is everything
I am feeling as I am shrouded securely in his arms. I want to hold on
tight

and never let go.
Pulling back, he smiles down at me. "You sure know how to make a
guy sweat."
I smile back. He has no clue how much I want to talk to him; I need to
explain. "Mental vacations are all the rage, don't you know? No time to
get out of my own head to call or write anyone. "
Laughing he asks, "So now, how are you feeling?"
"Less crazy than before," I say with a laugh. I'm joking, but it's
true.
"What am I going to do with you, Jay?"
"Hang out with me tonight?" Wow. My own question startles me for a
second. Biting my bottom lip, I look up at him and notice his gaze is on
my mouth. I can' t help it. Inside, I' m doing the happy dance because I
still do it to him.
He looks dazed, but regaining his wits, he glances directly at me, clears
his throat, and responds, "Uh . I can' t. I can only stay for a little
while."
This is kind of awkward. Stuttering just a little, I reply, "Oh. Okay. I
was hoping we could talk about some things that I thought about while
I was gone. Especially regarding, you and me." Looking at him, I start
to
speak, "You.... "
"I have a date tonight, Jay," he says, looking into my eyes. Did I hear
him correctly? Did he just say he has a freaking date tonight?
"When Molly called and said that you were coming home today, I
wanted to be here for you. If I'd known sooner, I wouldn't have made
plans, but I haven't heard from you in almost three months."
Twenty million thoughts run through my head as I stare at him. Oh
Crap! Shit! Okay, this is what you wanted, Jay. You wanted him to
move on, and he has. So sit and wallow in it. Inside, I am dying. I need
to say something, but as I blankly stare into his green eyes, all I can
think about is that he deserves someone who can love him. Just him.
Right now, I' m not that girl, and I don't know if I ever will be.
Sighing, I say, "No, you're right..," I stop speaking when I realize we
have an audience, and all eyes are on us. "Hey guys, can you give us

a minute?" Everyone nods as I turn and head toward the foyer.
Unfortunately, I didn't think about the location too well because I stop
to stand in front of the round table. THE ROUND TABLE that we
made out on. That he made me come on. The same table that gives me
hot flashbacks of his rock hard abs, kissable lips, and supple fingers as
they...
"Jay, you still with me?" Kane's voice brings me out of my stupor.
"Yes, oh yes. I am just fine. " I know my voice sounds sensual, but I
really can't overpower it. Kane keeps looking at me like I have lost my
mind. I see him look from me to the table, and then a sly grin spreads
across his face.
"Ahh, good times," he comments, winking at me.
Finally regaining what little sense I have, I reply, "Listen Kane, I'm
really sorry that I didn't write back. I didn't know what to say or do, and
things were so chaotic in my mind. For the first two months that you
wrote to me, I wasn't in the right head space. I wanted you to move on,
knowing deep down inside that was the best thing for you. "
"Jay, you don't owe me an explanation. If anything, I owe you an
apology for laying my shit on you while you were in there. It was
stupid, and believe it or not, I never planned on giving the letters to
Molly or your mom. I guess you could say that I had weak moments.
I'm not going to lie; those first two months were rough. Not knowing
and, then again, knowing everything was just as bad. I had a fucked up
time, but I was able to get a hold on myself. "
"Kane, you don't have to say anything."
"I know, but I want you to understand that it brought up a lot of my past
that I thought I had dealt with, and evidently, I hadn't. Finally, I had to
move on to get in a better mind-frame to deal with all this shit. Not
yours, mine. Jay, I will always be here for you, but my life didn't stop
these last three months. I want to be honest with you. "
Nodding my head, I have to glance away. Tears threaten to spill, but I
can't do this to him. It's not fair. He deserves better. Locking my
emotions down, I look deep into his eyes. "Kane, I' m glad you have
moved on with your life. I just want to tell you how sorry I am about

everything. You're such a great guy." Moving closer, I reach for his
right hand and grasp it tight. "In so many ways you did save me, and for
that, I will be forever grateful. "
His eyes never leave mine, and I can see the resolve deep within them.
This was his decision before mine. Lifting my lips, I close my eyes and
inhale him into me, hoping I can retain his smell for eternity. Gently, I
feather my mouth across his cheek. Hearing his intake of breath, I
slowly pull back.
"Friends?" he asks.
"Friends," I answer, but my soul screams otherwise. Hugging myself
and holding tight to all my emotions, I put a smile on my face and ask,
"Do you have time to eat something while you're
here?"
Looking away, he answers, "I think I'll go ahead and go."
A tremor runs through my body. Nodding my head, my eyes return to
his, "Okay. Kane, it was really good to see you." Is this goodbye?
Forever?
He places his hands in his pockets and laughs. "Jay, this isn't goodbye.
Friends remember? I'll call you in a couple of days." He walks to the
front door and looks back before closing it behind him. "Answer your
phone." With that, he is gone.
"What the hell?" I say to myself.
"You know you deserve that."
Turning, I look towards Molly. She stands with her hands on her hips in
the corner.
"How much did you hear?"
"Almost all of it. You do remember how nosy I am, right? Not only
that, I was worried about how upset it might make you when Kane told
you why he was leaving. "
"You knew he was dating?"
"Yeah, he told me he wasn't going to lie to you even though I asked him
not to tell you yet. Obviously, he didn't listen." Holding her hands up,
she can tell I'm pissed, "I didn't want you to get upset. I didn't know
where your head would be. He said that there would always be honesty
between you guys." Scrunching up her face, she looks at me.

"He's a little too good to be true."
"Yes, he is, and he deserves someone who has her life together."
"Maybe. Maybe not. He cares about you, Jay."
"Stop. Just stop, Mols. I'm barely holding myself together right now.
Please just let it go." My head starts to ache. I want to run to my room,
away from her, away from here, but I can't. I've run enough these past
couple of years. Taking a deep breath, I say, "Listen, let's go see
everyone else." She gently touches my shoulder as I walk by.
"I'm sorry. I seem to be the one making everything worse."
"No, it's okay. I wanted him to move on." Her eyebrow shoots up,
looking unconvinced. "Well, I thought I wanted him to move on. "
Grinning, she says, "That's more like it."
I stop her before she can say anything else, "But, I am glad he did." She
looks on with disbelief. "I need to concentrate on me for now. "
"If you say so girlie, but just so you know, he is not going anywhere."
With a wink, she turns and walks toward the kitchen, and I follow. I
don't know what she means, and honestly, I can't think about it. I've
done the hard, but right, thing and let him go. I have to believe that to
move on.
As I enter the kitchen, I stop to look at everyone standing around with
somber faces. This is crazy. Did they all think I was going to lose it
because he has a date? So much has changed, but I have to remember
that they don't know what I'm feeling. They have no clue what I am
thinking.
"Who's hungry?" my mom asks.
Leave it up to my mother to try and diffuse the situation. The room is
silent, and all eyes are on me. Despite the fact that the mere thought of
food makes me nauseas, I come up with the only thing I can think of to
relieve the tension. "I'm starving," I reply, grabbing a plate and
browsing over the spread on the bar. All at once, the chatting starts
again. We sit around the kitchen eating and talking about nothing at all.
Halfway through the meal, my father walks through the door. Heading
straight for me, he drops his briefcase on the floor and wraps me in his
arms.
"Jay, thank God you're home."

"Hey Dad." Nestling my face into his chest, I feel like a little girl again.
It feels so right, but the thought of him knowing my deepest darkest
shame counteracts it. I pull away as my mind is overcome with
negativity. Uncomfortably, I look at him and smile. I think he knows
that our relationship has forever changed, and time will only tell how,
or if, we will be able to mend it.
"Dale, would you like something to eat?" my mother says, coming to
the rescue once again.
Looking around like he is finally noticing that we have a crowd, he
answers, "Sure. "
After we eat and share an endless round of hugs, everyone leaves. I
promise Reed and Molly that they can come over tomorrow. Cal says
he will be by the house at least once a week so I might as well get used
to it. I can't help but smile. Even now, in his situation, he is trying to
take care of me. Leaning down, I kiss his cheek and say, "Love you. "
Smiling, he looks up at me, "Love you girl. I always have."
With goodbyes over and done, I finally get to go up to my room. My
mother asked early on when I was at Lanier Oaks if she could
redecorate, and I told her yes. Walking in, I am immediately grateful
that she did. The room is a soft brown with teal accents throughout. It
looks girly but grown up. Everything, including the dark cherry wood
furniture, is new. My bathroom is completely remodeled, almost to the
point it is unrecognizable. A large tile shower stands where my bathtub
used to be.
I plop down on the bed and look around. The party was easier to get
through than I anticipated, even after Kane left for his date. It felt right
spending time with everyone, and even being near Cal was healing. I
wish.. .welL.wishing won't change anything. Nothing will change what
happened. I know moving forward is the only way to keep my sanity.
Hearing the knock at my door, I say, "Come in. "
"Jay, I just went to have your medicine filled. How do you want to
handle this?" my mother asks as she walks in.
"Handle what?" I reply, confused by her question.
"Well, do you want to keep your medicine with you or do you want me
to keep it and give it to you each day?"

"I' m not a child, Mother," I retort, but I immediately realize what she is
saying. She is worried about me having the pills. "Mom, I'm not going
to do that again. "
Her face falls, aging her. "How do you know, Jay? I don't believe I can
trust your word right now. The doctor has you on a couple of different
anti-depressants. I'm just worried. That's all."
I guess she has every right to be, but I have to make her understand.
"Mom, I made a promise to Cal that I would never do that again, and I
won't. I will never go back on that promise." She looks at me for
several seconds before nodding her head.
"I can understand that," she says. Hesitation lingers on her words, and
her face is laced in doubt.
"Mom, if you would feel better dispensing them to me daily, that's
fine." I have to remember what I have put them through, and I have to
keep trying to rebuild what I destroyed.
"It really would. I'll just give them to you every morning. How does
that sound?"
Even though I don' t mean it, I say the thing that would make my
mother the happiest. "That's fine, Mom. By the way, I love the room."
Her face lights up.
"Really?! I was hoping you would." Reaching into her pocket, she
hands me a new phone. "I programmed most of your contacts back in,
but other than that, everything is reset. The police took the other one. "
She looks at me, unsure of what to say next.
"Thanks," I reply, looking down at it.
"We will find our way through this, Jay." Hugging me, she pulls back
and starts to walk out of my room but turns at the last minute. "Uh, Jay,
You also had a prescription for birth control from before, and I went
ahead and had it filled as well. "
"Thanks, Mom."
She nods her head and walks out. I don't plan on needing it, but I'll feel
better taking it.
Closing my eyes, I lie back on my new comforter. My thoughts go to
Kane and the heartache that threatens to consume me. It's over and
done. I need to find a way to live. Love may come later with someone

else, but right now, I will mourn what could have been.
Grabbing my phone, I go to my iTunes store and purchase the song that
reminds me most of Kane. It was playing at O'Malley's the first time I
saw him. I close my eyes and let the soft melody and haunting lyrics
wash over me. He came into my life right when I needed a reason to
live. Maybe fate brought him there, or maybe it was destiny or random
chance. Maybe he was right when he said that our tortured souls
recognized one another. I really don't know, but I have to believe there
was a bigger reason. With tears in my eyes and pain demolishing my
heart, I drift to sleep.
"Wake up, baby. "
I hear his voice calling to me, and my heart plummets. Closing my eyes
tighter, I tell myself not to open them. I can tell that I'm lying down, and
I'm afraid to see exactly where I am.
"Jay, it's okay. Open your eyes. "
JT' s voice sounds weird, almost off. Something is different. Opening
my eyes, I see him leaning over me on my bed. We 're in my old room.
Shiny blue eyes look down at me, and his thick dark hair hangs slightly.
Grinning, he brushes the hair away from my face. How cruel can God
be by letting me feel him?
"You 're not real, " I say to him.
"I know, but maybe you need me. "
A short burst of laughter escapes me. Turning to lay towards him, I
look deep into his eyes. "My own personal dream-love-slave? " I ask
jokingly, but it isn' t the only thing that comes to mind. The anger rises
within me. I am furious at him for not listening to me that night, and for
Cal.
Laughing, he replies, " If that' s what you need. You know I wouldn' t
have a problem with that. It has to be better than those nightmares you
have.....ouch. "
I slap him across the face before he is able to finish. Rising above him,
I push him onto his back against mattress and start pummeling him
with my fists. He tries to block my hits and throws his hands up to cover
himself.

" Damn it. Stop!"
" I hate you for not listening! I hate you for letting anger drive you to
your grave! What about Cal?! I was going to get my life back. Damn
you!" My anger turns quickly to sadness and grief. Sobs rack my body.
" You can' t hate a dead guy, Jay. "
" I have to move on, JT. My life didn' t end that night, as much as I
wanted it to. "
" Do you think I would begrudge you for that in real life? Moving
on?"
Flopping onto my back, I sling my arm to cover my eyes and answer, "
No. Yes. I don' t know. Your voice sounds funny. I think I' m forgetting
what you sounded like. It's only been three months. How could I do
that? "
"It's okay, Jay. It's okay. "
I wake up with his words lingering in my mind. Is it okay to move on?
What is the alternative? Joining him is not an option anymore. I will
live.

\tf V.en iii \ W**we \Y& £one tta w»H&; Uve;-> onJi w^
' i k e V w ^m^t* fcYfUottf

r

^ w^wenV . V w Vi^in^V^ ' ive,\?wV \

front live Ulca VW^. \ W e r# ^eV %uV W^je t:W( iave we
Days pass as I try to navigate this mad world I' ve returned to. My
mother is almost afraid to leave me alone. She is smothering me, and I
don' t have the heart or the energy to say anything. School is out for
Christmas break, so Molly and Reed have shown up for the past couple
of days. We talk, play Reed' s video games, and eat. Exciting, huh?
Winters in Georgia are unpredictable. This year, it hardly feels like
Christmas with the sixty degree temperatures outside.
Two days before Christmas, I finally believe everything may settle
down. Molly is going out of town on vacation for a week with her
family, and Reed is tagging along. Cal calls daily, but he is also having
family over for the holidays. We are staying here for once. Normally,
we spend Christmas on the ski slopes or lounging on the beach, but I
guess that wasn' t even an option this year.
Walking downstairs, I feel the buzz of my phone in my pocket. I pull it
out to see Kane' s name flashing on the screen. He said he would

call, but I was beginning to believe that our last goodbye was just that,
the last. Butterflies flood my stomach, but I take a deep breath and
answer.
"Hey," I say in a breathy tone.
"Hey. Just wanted to call and see how you were. I figured I'd give you a
couple of days to settle in before calling. "
"I' m fine," I say, sitting down on the bottom step.
"Fine, huh? Maybe I need to see for myself. How about lunch the day
after Christmas?"
"Lunch?"
"Yes, you know.... the meal between breakfast and dinner?" he asks
with a laugh.
This must be the "friend" thing he was talking about. I want him to
know that he doesn't have to do this. "Um, that's okay."
"Let me put it to you this way, Jay. It's not optional. I'll be there around
noon, and if the warm weather sticks around, wear jeans and tennis
shoes. See you then. "
"Hello...hello?" I say to myself as my phone beeps, noting the end of a
call. Damn, I don't want to be something he feels like he has to take
care of. I guess that's something we will have to discuss between
breakfast and dinner.
Frustrated, I stand up and head towards the kitchen. I don't make it
there before the doorbell chimes. I do an about-face and, through the
glass, I see Agent Morris. Great. Shaking my head, I open the door.
"Hey Jay. Glad you're home. Can I come in and talk to you and your
parents for a second?"
"Sure, come in," I say. I don't mean it, but I step back and let her
in.
"Who's at the door?" my mother asks, walking up behind me. "Oh,
Agent Morris. How can we help you today?"
"I was just telling Jay that I needed a moment of your time if that is
okay. Is your husband home? "
"Sure, let me get him." Walking to the stairs, she yells up, "Dale, can
you please come down?" Turning back, she says, "Let's go have a seat
in the living room. Can I get you anything to drink, Agent Morris? "

"No, I' m fine. Thank you though. Since Jay is home now, I wanted to
come by and clarify some things for her." Looking at me, she explains,
"Jay, you know that Bruce Branch was bonded out of jail on what is
called a 'No Contact Bond'. This type of release has certain factors that
both parties have to abide by. For instance, if you go to a grocery store,
mall, or restaurant and he is there, then by law, you have
to leave. If... "
"That' s bullshit," my dad shouts as he enters room. "That bastard
should not have any rights. How is that even possible? " He glares at
Agent Morris.
"Please Mr. Stevenson, let me finish. " Looking back at me, she
continues, "Now Jay, this goes both ways. Should you be somewhere,
then he would legally have to leave as well. Keep in mind that, in the
eyes of the law, he hasn' t been convicted of a crime. He has only been
accused, which means he is still a free man; however, he is to have no
contact with you whatsoever. Should he have any contact with you, his
bond will be automatically revoked, and he will be placed back into
custody. Do you understand these terms, Jay?"
"Yes," I reply as my heart steadily thumps in my chest. My father
stands tall with his arms stubbornly crossed, and his face is flaming red.
"You know this isn't right. He should be behind bars," he says.
"I understand your frustration, but again, this is the law." Turning to
me, Agent Morris sighs, "Innocent until proven guilty. Jay, may I speak
to you privately, please?"
"We aren't going anywhere," my father snaps.
"Dale, please," my mother begs.
"Paige, we have been left in the dark enough these past couple of years.
This affects all of us now. I'm not leaving my daughter alone again.
Never again." His voice cracks as he raises his hands to grasp the sides
of his forehead and drags them down his cheeks.
Blinking back tears, I tell Agent Morris, "It's okay."
She looks at me with a gentle smile on her face, "Jay, have you thought
anymore about testifying?"
I shake my head as I look at my parents. Their lost stares turn towards
each other, and I watch as my mother reaches for my father' s

hand.
"What are you afraid of? If it is the courtroom, I can take you and walk
you through the entire process. Please look at me, Jay. We only have a
couple months before the trial begins, and right now, we don' t have
enough to prosecute him. No other girls have come forward. Talking
with our profiler, we believe that he had a select fixation on you. We
don' t believe he would have stopped pursuing you. Everything is going
to depend on your testimony, and if you choose to not testify, you need
to prepare yourself for the charges to be dropped. "
"Agent Morris, as much as we want him punished for what he has done,
my husband and I support Jay in whatever she chooses to do, " my
mother replies. Her voice is thick with emotion.
I' ll give it to Agent Morris; she is very determined. I could tell my
mother's answer wasn't what she wanted to hear, but she places a smile
on her face and looks back to me.
"Jay, I'll come by to talk to you after the first of the year. We will see
where you are then." Standing, she looks at all of us. "Thank you all for
your time. "
My mother stands, nods her head, and sees Agent Morris to the door.
My father doesn't move. He stares blankly at the floor before looking
up at me.
"I'll support you, Jay, and anything you want to do, but I have to tell
you. I think you need to think about the consequences of not testifying.
You're not the only one it will affect if he goes free. There is a young
man who is not here as a result of Branch's monstrosities and another
young man who will never walk again. "
His words spear into my soul, and pain radiates within. Is he trying to
hurt me? Jumping up, my anger churns deep, and words spill from
mouth. "You don't understand! Do you want everyone to hear the
details of what he did to me? How he battered, bruised, and tore me?"
My breath comes out in pants.
He moves to embrace me, but I step away. He freezes and looks at me
in horror.
"God, no, Jay. No. I just want you to have a life. What kind of life will
it be knowing he's out there? With everything that's happened, I just

worry. " He shakes his head. "Your mother is right. We will support
whatever you want to do. I' m sorry. Please forgive me. "
"I need to get out of here for a little while," I say, walking past him and
out of the room. My mother stands in the foyer. I can tell she has heard
every word because tears flow down her cheeks. "Where are my
keys?"
"In your car," she whispers. "Jay, are you okay to drive. Maybe I can
call someone for you?"
"I'm just taking a drive, Mom. I'll be back in a little bit."
Still shaking, I walk into the garage. My mind races, and my thoughts
swirl around my father. He just doesn't understand. He will never
understand the violation and the shame. It's not just what that beast did;
it's what I did to myself what I allowed. In a desperate effort to feel
something, anything, again, I made my body my slave and forced it into
being used. Living with such dark secrets changes people, blackens the
soul, and corrupts the way the mind thinks. It did all those things to me,
and my father will never get that. I've been aged by circumstances, drug
through life unwillingly, and had my innocence maliciously destroyed
forever.
I get in my car and press the garage door opener, letting light
increasingly stream into the dark room. I pull out and drive away. I don'
t know where I'm going; I don't care. I just need to go. Rolling down my
windows, I can't believe how warm it is. I definitely don't need the
jacket with the jeans, white tee, and light grey sweater I put on this
morning. I don't think about a destination, but subconsciously, I know
where I' m not going. I' m not ready to go there. That intersection was a
crossroad in my life, and I don't think I can handle that yet. My heart
feels a sudden pull, and I instantly know where I need to go. Whipping
the car around, I race to the edge of town.
The entrance looms with heavy black metal. I read the inscription
overhead as I drive through the gates, "Jackson Heights Cemetery".
The rolling green hills are covered with tombstones and statues and
dotted with flowers. I pick up my phone and call Molly; she answers on
the first ring.
"Where exactly is JT's grave?" Her silence conveys her surprise,

but she answers with detailed directions. I hang up the phone before she
can comment and power it down.
I drive towards the back where several large pine trees are nestled
together beside a pond. I put my car in park as the first sobs break
through. My chest shakes with cries of anguish. Pressing my fingertips
to my eyes, I try to dam the tears, but it doesn't work. I don't even know
if I can get out of the car. Why did I come here? Why did he die? Why
God? WHY? I' m falling apart, barely breathing as the pain steals my
breaths. God, do I hurt. I finally allow myself to mourn him.
Laying my head back against the seat, I let the tears fall. "Oh my God,
JT. Why? Why did you leave me?" I ask aloud. I open my eyes and
stare out the windshield. Standing between the tallest two trees is a
single granite headstone. Well, I've come this far. So taking one last
deep breath, I reach for the door handle and step out of the car.
A strong gust of wind whips my hair about as the sun shines down
through the trees. One foot in front of the other, I walk to his final
resting place. The crunch of dried pine needles beneath me is the only
sound I hear. My heart pounds, but I can't stop now.
The shiny grey stone gleams with the sun's reflection. Coming to a stop
in front of it, I read the words etched into the rock.
JT Miles Higgins Always In Our Hearts 1994 - 2012
Falling to my knees, I allow my fingers to trace the letters one-by-one.
A dozen red roses lie at the base. Withered and dying, the petals have
begun to darken and curl. A burst of pain explodes from my chest. My
hands go to my heart in an effort to stop it from shattering. Again, tears
drop one after another as I whisper over and over, "I' m sorry. I'm so
sorry." I don't understand why he was taken from me. I want answers. I
want to know why. I hate this world. I hate this life. The thoughts come
to me about how much I want to die so I can see JT again.
Nausea makes my stomach roll, and my head starts to spin. I fling

myself onto my back against the ground. I feel the stick of the pine
needles underneath me as I remind myself to breathe slowly, in and out.
Turning my head to the side, I stare at the flowers. I pluck one from the
bouquet and snap the flower from the stem. I slowly bring it to my nose
and allow the fragrance to tease my senses. It is a brief reminder that I'
m still here. I'm still alive.
Peeling away petal after petal, I let them drift down all around me. "I' m
here JT. Still waiting for you to come back for me like you promised,
but you can't come back, can you? Ever." Praying, wishing, and hoping
he can hear me, I speak out loud. "What now? What do I do now? I
can't go back to school. I'll never walk through those doors again. So
many memories." I pull off another crimson petal, and a blast of air of
wind carries it away.
"I miss you. I miss you so damn much. I know I can't bring you back,
and I have to let you go. Not forever, but for now. I have to figure out
where to go from here. I don't want to hate you for leaving me and for
what happened to Cal, but I might start doing just that if I don' t let you
go. I already hate myself enough for him. I'm so lost," I whisper.
I'm not sure how long I'm there, but eventually, the sunset surrounds
me. I turn my head and glance at the small pond. As my eyes skim over
the water, I notice someone leaning against a tree on the other side. His
silhouette is familiar. I shade my eyes to see his face, and my heart
drops. What the.....I suddenly sit up.
"Hey Jay."
I scream, startled by the voice behind me. Jumping up, I see Kane
standing there.
"Are you okay?" he asks, stepping towards me and placing his arms on
either side of mine.
Looking back to the other side of the water, I see nothing. No one. Did
I imagine seeing him? My heart races with fear.
"Jay, what are you staring at? Look at me. Damn, you look like you've
seen a ghost."
The concern in his voice finally snaps me out of my thoughts, and I
glance into his worried eyes.
"God, you're shaking like a leaf." Pulling me into his arms, he

secures me in his grasp and allows me to bury my face in his chest. He
strokes his hand over my hair and whispers in my ear, "I'm sorry I
scared you. I thought you would have seen me walking up. Shhh...it's
okay baby. I've got you."
"Kane," I whisper, "I think I am seeing things."
"What did you see?"
Shaking my head against his chest, I say, "I don't want to talk about it. I
had to have imagined him. " It feels so good to be this close to him, to
inhale him, and to feel his body pressing solidly against mine. A feeling
of peace spreads over me, but it is short-lived because he pulls back.
"You saw who?"
I shake my head again. I just want to be back in his arms once more, but
the look on his face stops me.
The tone of his voice is commanding as he asks again, "I'm going to ask
you one more time, and you are going to answer me. We are obviously
not going back to that shit again. No secrets. No wondering what you're
thinking. Talk to me, Jay."
"I just thought I saw...someone across the pond, but it must have been
my imagination." I don't want to tell him who I thought I saw. It doesn't
make any sense. It couldn't have been him.
Finally, with a look of resignation on this face, he asks, "Are you
okay?"
"Yes, I just didn't see you. I guess you could say I was talking to ghost."
I glance towards JT's grave, and Kane's eyes follow mine.
"Even though I hated that you picked him, I never would have wished
this. Believe it or not, I would go through the pain of losing you ten
times over for that boy to still be alive. For you Jay, so that you
wouldn't have to live with this for the rest of your life." His emerald
eyes peer into mine, and his words wake me from my thoughts of JT.
"What are you doing here, Kane?"
"Your mother called me as soon as you left. When you called Molly,
she called your mother who called me. So, I volunteered to come and
check on you. "
"So, what? Y'all are my watch dogs now? Is that what this is?"

Taking a step towards JT's grave, I touch the cold granite once more.
"Can you give me a minute, please? " "I'll wait at your car," he says.
He walks back our vehicles, but I never look away from JT 's
tombstone. "I guess this is goodbye for now. You were my first love,
my best friend, and my fairytale prince. If you are up there listening,
know that I loved you. I' ll always love you. " Squatting down, I kiss
my fingertips and press them against his name. I glance across the pond
to confirm no one is there, and I stand up. My spine tingles with the
feeling that someone is watching me, but it must be from Kane who is
standing against my car.
The temperature has dropped since the sun set. Walking back to my
car, I rub my arms, trying to warm them. Kane leans against my yellow
Ford Mustang with his denim-covered legs crossed in front of him. His
hands rest on either side, and he' s wearing a beige cable-knit sweater
that emphasizes his physique. A pair of dark sunglasses adorns his face.
As I get closer, he glances down at me. His sunglasses slide down his
nose, but with one finger, he pushes them back up.
"Kane, you can' t babysit me. I appreciate the thought, but I don' t want
that. "
"Who said anything about babysitting? Listen, your mom, Molly, and I
just want to make sure you realize that if you need anyone to talk to, we'
re here. "
"Ugh..," I turn to walk away but quickly change my mind and turn back
around. "So, what? Are you all going to follow me around wherever I
go? Are you going to cancel your dates when my mom or Molly calls
you on watch duty? Or wait, I' ve got it, are you going to chaperone me
when I go on dates? "
"Who are you planning on dating?" he asks through gritted teeth.
"Are you kidding me? No one for now, but you can' t do this. Damn, I
can' t do this. Listen to me, I promised Cal that I wouldn' t try anything
stupid again, and I will keep that promise. You can believe that. No
need to worry. "
"Wait. What are you saying, Jay? You made a promise to Cal that you
wouldn't kill yourself?"

"Yes, that is what I am saying. So see, you don't have to worry. You can
go on living your life, no need to concern yourself with mine. "
"You are a piece of work, Jay. Are you listening to what you are
saying? You better find reasons to live for you because otherwise, what
kind of life is that?" Rubbing his temples with his hands, he mutters,
"Get in your car and go home. I'll follow you."
"You don't have to follow...," I don't get to finish.
"Get in your damn car. NOW! " he yells.
His face flushes red with anger, so I decide that this may not be the time
to push him. I crank my car and follow the lonely road out of the
cemetery. The headlights of his Chrysler Crossfire gleam in my rear
view mirror. What does he want from me? I don't want him like this a
protective big-brother figure? Hell no. Not going to happen. My
mother and Molly are going to hear from me. This is going to stop
today.
Arriving home, I pull my car into the garage. Kane doesn't get out; he
barely even stops before driving off. I slam my door. I'm so freaking
annoyed. I want to kick something or actually someone: a bossy
green-eyed someone to be exact. Rearing back my foot, I kick the tire.
"Ouch! " I jump around on my good foot as pain radiates through the
other.
"Jay, is everything okay?"
My mother and father are standing in the doorway, staring at me. "No,
I'm not okay. I think I broke a toe."
I hear a guff of laughter from my mom, "That's what you get for
kicking your car. "
Shaking my head, I know she is right. I'm pissed at myself for being
stupid and acting childish and immature. I can't help but laugh at
myself. "Yeah, that was pretty dumb. "
"C'mon, let me help you in," my father insists.
Seeing him wonder whether or not I'm going to allow him to assist me
prompts me to give in. Reaching for his hand, I put my arm around his
shoulder and lean on him while I hop inside. Once we reach the kitchen
table, I sit down on the chair. My mother reaches for my shoe, sliding it
and my sock off. My toe is already turning blue.
"Do you think we should go to the Urgent Care to get it checked

out?" my dad asks.
"I'm fine. I think it's just bruised. There's no swelling," I reply
back.
"Dad, do you mind if I talk with mom real quick? "
"Sure. I'll go check the score of the football game."
My mother looks at me as she sits down across the table.
"You are going to say something about me calling Kane, aren't
you?"
I nod my head.
"I' m sorry, Jay. Kane and Molly worry about you. I requested that they
help me keep an eye on you. I didn't know what else to do. You know,
we just met Kane in the hospital the day after...well, after. You know. I'
m sorry, he just wanted to help, and I need help. "
"Mom, I know that asking you to trust me at this stage would be
pointless, but you have got to quit being 'helicopter mom.' It is driving
me insane. I need just a little space. "
"I' m trying. I feel like I' m going to miss something or some clue, and
next time, it will be too late." Tears clog her voice as she speaks.
"I'm so sorry that this has to be your life. You don't deserve this."
"Jay, please don't say that. I wish that these things hadn't happened to
you, but I would never wish for a different life. I love you, honey. " She
stands, coming around the table to lean down and hug me.
"Listen, just do me a favor. Kane needs to move on with his life.
Pulling him back into mine isn't helping anyone. I need you to do this
for me, please. "
"Okay. What do I say when he calls?"
"When does he call?"
"Every day, Jay. He calls to check on you almost every single day."
I' m stunned at her confession. He calls to check on me that often? It' s
almost unbelievable. Why every day?
"Just tell him, but don't send him after me anymore. I also agree not to
storm out of the house again either. That was immature of me. I really
didn't mean to worry you. I just needed to get away, and well, I ended
up visiting JT. "
"I would have gone with you," my mother says quietly.

"It was something I had to do alone. I know that I have to move on. It' s
just so hard, Mom. "
"You will always love him, but you have to live. He made his choice,
and now, you have to make yours. "
"I have made my choice," I say, looking at her.
"No, you have to make the choice for you. Not for anyone else. It
doesn't work that way, Jay. I wish it did, but it doesn't."
My mom looks as if she wants to break down, but instead, she changes
the subject.
"I need to finish up dinner. Are you hungry?"
"Not really. I think I'm going to head up stairs to take a shower."
"I could bring you up something?"
"I'm good, Mom. Thanks anyway."
I hobble up the stairs and get undressed once I reach my room. I pull
out my phone, turn it back on, and toss it on my bed. After showering, I
lie down next to my phone and scroll through the playlists to find the
perfect song. I listen as the lyrics softly envelope me. There are so
many decisions that I need to make regarding my life. Today, I made
one of the toughest; I let JT go. I close my eyes as my mind drifts.
My eyes jerk open, and I automatically raise my arm to shield them
from the bright lights that blind me. I rapidly blink to try and readjust
my vision. When things come into focus, I realize I'm sitting in the
bleachers at my high school football stadium. I'm alone. The stadium
lights shine down on the field, but beyond that and the bleachers,
everything is pitch black, almost as if it doesn' t exist.
I hear footsteps stomping on the bleacher stairs, and I turn to see my
devil approaching. He' s dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with the
school's logo, and he's carrying a bag of popcorn which he seems to be
devouring.
Plopping down beside me, he shoves the popcorn at me and asks,
"Want some?"
"No. Why are we here? "
"Football, silly. Why else would we be here? "
At the mention of football, players appear on the field, offense set

against defense. The referee blows the whistle for the game to begin,
and the players act. The quarterback fakes the throw, runs through the
defensive line, and heads straight for the goal line. Touchdown! My
devil goes crazy, cheering andjumping up as popcorn flies everywhere.
The familiar quarterback runs to stand before us on the field. He raises
his hand to his heart and then points directly to me. He waves and turns
to run off the field. The lights go out everywhere except where we are
sitting.
"What was that about? " I ask my devil who continues to stuff his face
with buttery kernels.
"I don't know, " he says through a mouth full. "Looks like he was
saying goodbye, but hey, it' s your dream babe. I' m just a player. "
"What? " I ask, but he's gone. Bringing my legs to my chest, I wrap my
arms around them and rest my head against my knees.

~ 'Ve-oi Journal "
A very somber Christmas passes without much fanfare. With
everything going on, I didn't get the chance to purchase gifts. I felt like
crap, but I swore to make it up to them. My parents wanted to take a trip
somewhere as a family, but I asked them to delay it for now. I did offer
them the opportunity to go alone, but as expected, I was met with a
great deal of resistance. Actually, they looked at me like I was crazy for
even suggesting it.
The day after Christmas, I head out for a jog around the neighborhood.
Upon returning home, I notice Kane's car in the driveway. He is
lounging against the car door and looking up and down the street. As I
walk closer, I see that he has on grey track pants, tennis shoes, and a
black North Face Jacket. A grin lights his emerald eyes when he finally
spots me.
"You should have called me to come running with you. "
All happiness at seeing him evaporates with his annoying comment.
My temper flares. "I think I made it very clear that I don' t need a
babysitter. " I plant my hands on my hips and tilt my stubborn chin
down.
Pushing away from his car, he comes to stand in a combative stance in
front of me. His raspy voice is almost menacing as he says, "Did I say a
fucking word about babysitting? I was talking about taking a

jog. You know....exercising with a friend? God, I don't even know why
I try. You drive me bat shit crazy."
He starts to turn away, but I grab his arm and pull him back around
towards me. "Kane, listen. I'm sorry. This 'friend' thing between us
confuses me. I just don't want you to feel responsible for my actions,
and I don' t want to interfere in your life more than I already have. " I
plead with him, but he continually stares away. I watch as the muscles
of his jaw tick in anger. "Look at me please," I beg before he obliges. "I
want you to meet someone and be happy. "
"I have, Jay," he says, looking into my eyes without blinking.
How can one heart stand so much pain? Just when I think that I barely
survived one heartache, another takes a cheap shot at me. It was hard
enough hearing that he had a date, and now, I have to hear that it' s
serious. I falter for a second as I try to put everything into place. I
suppress my emotions so they don't spill from me and reveal how I
really feel. It will only make things that much more confusing.
"Oh...okay. That's good. I mean... that's great. Good for you...and her.
That' s awesome," I say as I try to put an end to my rambling. He looks
at me like I am the village idiot, which I probably am.
Pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers, he finally answers,
"Yeah, listen, I came over to take you to lunch, but maybe some other
time." Walking over to his car, he opens the door and reaches in,
bringing out a small wrapped box. Turning around, he says, "I got you a
little something for Christmas. Actually, my mom helped me pick it
out." His cheeks pink up a little.
Staring at the wrapped box, I respond, "Kane, I can't accept it. I didn' t
get anyone anything this year. With everything going on... "
"Take the damn present, Jay. I don't expect anything back, except
maybe a 'thank you'."
I take the box and begin to unwrap it. "Thank you. So your Mom is
living here now?"
He nods.
"I bet you and Cole love having her close, huh?" Cole is Kane's brother.
He doesn't like me for valid reasons, but in my defense, he hasn't liked
me from the start. In fact, I'm sure he loathes me by now.

"Yeah. We bought her a house in Cole's neighborhood. Since I'm still
living with him, we are both close to her. "
Once the wrapping is removed, I look down at a small white box. I lift
the lid, and delicately placed inside, is a silver heart locket with
matching rope chain. The heart is three dimensional, and I notice a
small clasp on the side. Pressing it, the front swings open and reveals
two tiny pictures. One is of JT when he was in middle school, and on
the opposite side, is a more recent photo from high school. My hand
covers my mouth, holding back my silent gasp. My teary gaze flies to
his, which is filled with depths of compassion.
"Your mom gave me the pictures to have sized. Jay, I know your heart
is broken over losing him. I understand that parts of your soul will
forever be changed by what happened, and I know you need some time.
That's why I suggested that we become friends. Not for me Jay, for you.
" Stepping closer to me, he slides his fingers across my cheek, gently
grasping the side of my face. "I feel your pain. God it destroys me
sometimes. But what I can promise you is this: me wanting to be with
you and be around you has nothing to do with your mother or Molly. It
is about watching over you, but you have to understand that I watch
over you because of my feelings for you. "
He pauses, looking at me and searching for something, but what? What
does he see? I watch his eyes glance down at my lips as he licks his. A
flame of lust incinerates my body, making my breasts tingle and
everything southbound becomes warmer and wetter. It steals my breath
for a moment, making me forget my loss, my shame, and my future.
Everything disappears, and only Kane remains.
"We both need time. You need to find your own reasons to live, and I,
well, I have to make sure that the feelings I have are because of us and
not the situation. "
My fire within is quickly doused by his words. Wait, what feelings? I
can tell he is seeing the confusion in my eyes.
"Whenever you need me, call me. I won't be sitting at home, but I'll be
waiting." Leaning down, he lightly teases my lips with his. He never
closes his eyes, and neither do I. Pulling back, he turns and gets into his
car.

"Kane," I say breathlessly as he looks up at me, "thank you for the
locket. It's the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me, and it
means more that you will ever know." Grasping the locket tightly, I
bring it to my heart.
"He will be with you always, and I' m okay with that. I could have told
you, but I wanted to show you exactly how I feel and that I understand.
The question you need to figure out is if you can love," he pauses
glancing down and then back up to me, "someone again. " For several
seconds, our gazes never leave one another. Finally, he breaks the
moment as he turns the ignition switch, closes the door, and backs out
of the driveway.
I watch his car until it disappears around the corner. Looking down
again at the locket, my mind tries to grasp what he just revealed. Or did
he? In both pictures, JT is smiling back at me. Touching them with my
fingertips, I remember when the pictures were taken. The first was in
eighth grade. In fact, if I remember correctly, it was the day before JT
broke his arm trying to rescue me from a swarm of yellow jackets one
hot summer afternoon. The memory brings a smile and something that
JT said to my mother that day. He said, "If Jay's happy, then so am I."
When I walk into the house, my mother is standing in the doorway.
Without saying a word, she holds out her hand for the locket. She must
have been watching us. Shaking my head, I hand it to her.
"He told me about it," she says, opening the locket and looking down at
the pictures. Clearing her throat, she continues, "Must take a special
man to give such a precious gift. "
Blowing out a deep breath, I reply, "Yeah. I can't imagine why he
would."
"Can't you, Jay?" She knowingly looks at me, handing me the locket
back. She nudges my shoulder and grins as she walks away.
I head upstairs and remove the locket from the box once I reach my
room. I gently place it around my neck and stare into the mirror. My
eyes shift from my face to the necklace, and I grasp it in my hands.
Saying that he is amazing for giving this to me doesn't cut it. Nothing
can come close to describing what this gift means to me and what he
means to me. I am going to let him go. I care about him enough to let
him find

someone else without all this damn baggage. I love him entirely too
much to put him through this; it's the least I can do.
Two days before New Year's Eve, I receive a call from a number I don'
t recognize. I almost let it go to voicemail before deciding at the last
minute to answer.
"Hello?"
"What's up, Jay?" flows from the speaker with a low melodic rhythm.
"Rhye?"
"Yeah, sorry I' m just now calling. I walked in the door from L.A. a
little while ago. When I heard you were home, I called Cal to get your
new number. "
"What were you doing in Los Angeles?"
"Recording some demos for a record label. Can you believe it? It's so
fucking crazy. I got the call last week, and they flew the band out there.
We are waiting to hear back from them. "
"That is great, Rhye. I am so stoked for you guys."
"What about you? When did you get home?"
"Last week." Silence falls from both sides.
"I'm so sorry about everything that happened, Jay."
"Yeah, me too."
"Do you think you could come out to listen to us play at Vortex on
New Year' s Eve?"
"No, I'm sorry, Rhye. My parents wouldn't go for it, and to be honest,
I'm not ready yet."
"I get you. Just know that if you ever need to get out, you can give me a
call. I know how you get when you need to escape. We can just hang."
I laugh. Rhye really does know me. "I could have used you last week."
"Damn it, figures," he says laughing. "Well, I've got to get to

practice. If you change your mind, call me. Okay? " "Sure. Listen, I'm
really glad you called. Really." "Bye, Jay." "Bye, Rhye."
Hanging up, I can't quit smiling. It felt really good talking to him. My
phone buzzes, signaling that I have an incoming picture. I click "open"
and burst out laughing. It's a picture of Rhye. His dark shaggy hair still
falls across his eye, but now, yellow streaks are laced throughout. His
dark chocolate eyes hold so much mischief within them. He has a
single hoop in his eyebrow, one in his lip, and two large gauges in both
ears. A finger is pointed at his huge smile, and the caption underneath
reads, "Big ass grin after talking to you. "
I laugh because I feel the same way. Noticing a dark spot near the
corner of his eye, I click to make the image bigger. Did he get a tear
drop tattooed underneath his eye? Looking closer, I realize what it is.
No, it can't be. He wouldn't. It's a lower case "j". It has to mean
something else. I have to believe that.
"Jay, can we talk for a minute?" my mother asks.
Placing my phone down, I answer, "Yeah, what do you need?"
"I made an appointment with the new therapist that Dr. Raines
suggested. Your appointments will be every Monday at noon. Is that
okay?"
I nod my head, and she continues.
"We also haven't talked about school. I know with the online courses
that you've completed, you don't lack much for your high school
diploma equivalent. Your father and I have thought about enrolling you
in the local community college for some courses if you want. We
thought it would be a good opportunity for you to get out of the house.
"
"That actually sounds great. Let me get online and check it out." I really
do think this would be a good thing for me. I need something of my
own, and it being outside the house makes it even better.
"Well your father has contacts, so we can get you in whenever. Just let
me know. "
"Sure, Mom," I reply. As soon as she leaves, I grab my laptop to see
what classes are offered. For once, I'm excited about the prospect of

school.
The New Year passes with me really living it up. Yeah, I stayed in. I
haven't left my house other than to just ride around. Kane called to
invite me to lunch, but when I lied and said I had plans, he didn't press
seeing me. He talked about how a new job was keeping him busy and
said that he would stop by later in the week. When he hung up, I
wondered if he really would.
Molly, Reed, and Cal returned to school, but at least one of them stops
by most days to hang out after class. I've been trying to get out of the
house a little more, so one day while out for a drive, I decide to dip into
the local market to grab a sandwich. I pull into the parking space and
feel a prickle of unease as I open the door to get out. It's that feeling
again. Chills run up my neck, making the hair stand on end. I glance
anxiously around the parking lot, but I see no one. It's just me, and I'm
being ridiculous.
Walking inside, I smile at some of the cashiers and head over to the
deli. I rummage through my purse to make sure I have some cash.
Great, I did throw a twenty dollar bill in there. Glancing up, I freeze.
Nausea rolls like mighty waves crashing against my stomach. Standing
before me ordering at the deli is Coach Branch, laughing at something
the lady making his sandwich is saying. He looks fine, like nothing
ever happened. He's just a handsome normal man standing in jeans and
a red polo shirt, not looking an inch like the evil bastard he is.
Turning slightly, he seems to finally notice me. His lips turn up into a
smile, and he has the audacity to wink at me. Bile rises swiftly into my
throat. I turn around and stumble out of the store. I barely make it
outside before vomiting all over the sidewalk and my shoes. Swiping
the back of my hand across my mouth, I try to control the shudders that
riddle my spine.
The automatic door of the market slides open, and out he walks. Not
even looking at me, he strolls by and mutters, "Miss me, Jay?"

I watch in horrified silence as he gets in his car and drives away. I never
want to see him again. Walking to my car, I slip my shoes off before I
get in and decide to just leave them in the parking lot. It takes several
minutes for the shaking to subside enough for me to safely drive home.
Terror claws at my chest, and I click the door lock several times,
making sure I am secure.
Finally, once I am able to drive away, I wonder what the chances are of
us running into each other again. It's a small town, but not that small.
Next time will be easier. I should be able to hold myself together and
ignore him. He said that just to get to me because he knows he can. He's
not supposed to have any contact with me, but who would believe
me if I told?
I arrive home and walk in as my mother is walking out.
"Hey, Jay. I've got to run over to the office to pick up some papers your
dad left. Do you want to ride with me? Wait. Where are your shoes?"
she asks, looking down at me feet.
"No, I'm fine to stay here, and I spilled something on my shoes."
"Oh, okay? I'll see you later then."
She rushes out and closes the door behind her. Realizing that I'm alone,
I panic for a second. Maybe I should have gone with her, but it' s too
late now. She's already at the end of the street. I quickly arm the alarm
and run upstairs. I wish he wouldn't have said anything to me. Why
couldn't he just walk out and leave like he's supposed to? With my
thoughts in a mess, I jump a mile into the air when my phone rings.
"Hello?"
"What kind of ship never sinks?"
Knowing immediately who it is, I sigh with relief. "I don't know.
What?"
"A friendship. Get it? A friend...ship."
"I don't know, Eli. If you keep delivering these lame ass jokes, it just
might." It's been way too long since we have spoken.
"Whatever, you know you miss me."
"Yes, I have missed you, and you haven't even called."
"Sorry, we went on a vacation after Christmas. It's been crazy busy.
What's new with you?"

I tell him about visiting JT's grave and about Kane. Well, it's more like
the lack of seeing Kane or understanding anything he says or does. "He
gives me this locket that means the world to me, but in the same breath
he says things that confuse me. I know that he calls my mother
regularly to check in. It's all so confusing. I'm just trying to move on
with my life, and then I have issues like today. "
"What kind of issues?"
Oh no. I really can't tell anyone else, but why can't I tell Eli? So, I spill
everything about running into Coach Branch. After I am finished, he is
silent for a minute.
"You have to call the police."
"And say what, Eli? I have no proof. It's my word against his, and that'
s not even working now. I just want it all to go away without me having
to do anything. Is that too much to ask?"
"What do you mean about not doing anything, Jay? Don't you have to
testify against him in court?"
I don' t say anything, letting the silence speak for me.
"Jay, what happens if you don't testify? Do they have enough evidence
that you don't have to?"
"Eli, don't want to testify. I can't. The lawyers say that, without my
testimony, he will probably walk free, but the thought of getting on the
stand in front of everyone... .I can't do it."
"My God, Jay. I don't know what to say."
"Just be here for me. Please. I need someone that I can tell everything to
without them freaking out that I'm going to slice my wrist open."
"I'm here, Jay. I'm just worried about you and your safety."
"Thanks Eli, but I have enough people worried about me. Just worry
with me, okay?"
He lets out a loud sigh, "Okay. Listen. I was thinking about coming
over and hanging out after school one day. I miss talking to you. "
"Sure, just text me. How's everything with your dad?"
"Good for now. I have to run, but I'll text you next week."
"Sounds good. Bye, Eli."
"Bye," he says, hanging up.

More days pass, like sand slipping through my fingers. My first visit
with my therapist goes okay. She is no Dr. Raines, but she listens.
Actually, she lowers the dosage on some of my medication. I haven't
felt any difference, so that must be a good thing. I'm almost finished
with my online credits for school, and my parents were able to get me
into the local community college. I registered for two college credit
courses, and I' m scheduled to attend on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and
Fridays. It gets me out of the house, and I know some of the students
from Jackson Heights, so I'm kind of excited.
Kane calls and texts, but I continue to ignore him. I know he calls my
mom, and she tells him I just need space. Rhye calls weekly, and I look
forward to it. There is an easy and comfortable camaraderie between
us. He's seen me at my worst and still cares for me. Why didn't I realize
how funny he was before? He hasn't heard anything about his demos,
so he and the band continue to play a couple nights a week at Vortex.
He continues to beg me to come out and listen, but so far, I've declined.
There is one person that I've put off seeing. Mrs. Higgins, JT's mom,
has patiently waited for me to come see her. I know because my mother
reminds me daily. As I walk out to my car after class, my body goes
into autopilot, and I know where I need to go. I click the remote to
unlock the doors, and I feel the eerie tingle again. The feeling of being
watched pricks at the back of my mind. My eyes dart from one end of
the parking lot to the other. I think I see someone, but once again, it's
just a flash. I' m driving myself crazy with this. At least twice a week I
experience the same daunting sensation. I really think I'm imagining
things, but I refuse to be a prisoner of my home. Driving away, I check
my rear view mirror again. Nothing.
On the way to JT's house, I try to think about what I'm going to say. I
pull into the driveway and stare towards the house. I should leave.
What could I possibly do or say to her to make anything better? Maybe
I

should have called first. Yeah. That's what I'll do. I'll leave and come
back another day when I've arranged something. Putting the car in
reverse, I glance up to see Mrs. Higgins standing in the doorway. I
throw my head against the headrest, realizing it's too late to back out
now. We stare at each other through the windshield. She finally breaks
the moment with a gentle smile, and I turn off the car, open the door,
and step out. I walk towards the front porch and stop at the bottom step
to look up at her.
Placing my hands in my jacket pockets, I say, "I just got out of class. I
hope it's alright that I stop by?"
Her smile widens. "I've been waiting every day for you."
She opens her arms, and I walk up the steps, directly into her embrace.
With her arm around me, she pulls me inside the house. My heart
crumbles as the loss of JT feels as fresh as it did that night. I'm not sure
which of us is shaking more, but our tears mingle as they fall freely to
the ground.
"Shhh...," she whispers to me as she pushes the hair away from my
face. She places her hands on my cheeks. "Look at me, Jay." My
tear-stained face stares into her matching one. "I've heard from Cal
what happened. I know that JT chose to get into that truck and that you
begged him not to leave. I've heard from others that you were going to
let the past go; that you had chosen to do so and live the future with my
baby. Jay, JT loved you so much. Even if you had not been together, he
would have done the same thing when he found out. I think about him
being at home, and there is no way I could have stopped him. Would
you blame me had our roles been reversed?"
"Mrs. Higgins, of course not, but I should have stayed away or told the
truth from the beginning. Something. anything had to be better than
what played out. "
"We can place blame everywhere, but the truth, Jay, is that JT was
going to have you one way or another. He told me during the summer
that he was going to do whatever it took to get you back. No one could
dissuade him. The love that boy had for you. God, I used to think that
the worse thing was going to be him coming through the front door and
telling me you're pregnant. Now, I would pray for that." She looks at
me

hopeful, and I shake my head. She lets go and steps back. "Can I offer
you something to drink?"
"No, thank you. My mother told me you wished to visit, and I' m sorry
it took so long, but I needed time. I needed to figure out me. I will miss
JT for eternity, but I have to move on with my life. I tried to be with
him...," I say as my voice breaks.
"Jay, I' m so thankful that you were unsuccessful. I would have never
wished for that. That's not being together." She wrings her hands. "That
would have been a waste of a beautiful young heart. Time will
hopefully heal all of our wounds, but the main reason I wanted to talk
to you is to tell you this: JT would want you to live, happily and
joyfully. Your happiness meant more to him than his own. So young
lady, you will do that. For him. Let your heart continue to love. Life is
too short, as you already know. "
I look into her eyes, wanting to believe every word she speaks. "I'm
trying. Trying to move on. Trying to live. I'll keep trying for the rest of
my life. "
She nods her head and begins to speak when the front door flies
open.
"What is she doing here?"
Kip, JT's older brother, comes charging in. He's lost so much weight,
and his dark hair stands on end. His clothes look slept in, and his eyes
are red-rimmed.
"Get the fuck out of my house. Haven' t you done enough?!" he
yells.
"Kip, calm down. I asked her over to talk. "
"Talk, Mom? There is nothing to talk about. She is the only reason JT is
dead right now. THE ONLY REASON! Why can't you fucking see
that?" Turning towards me, he continues, "I hate you, you bitch. He
loved you, and see what happened?! I even begged you to leave him
alone. BEGGED YOU! " he screams in my face.
Tears run down his face as he moves closer. He pushes me backwards
as a tortured look of angst fills his eyes. "I hope you fucking die for
what you have done to my family. I' ll see that you rot in Hell for
it."

"I'm so sorry, Kip." My body shakes with fear. Grabbing his arm and
pulling him away from me, Mrs. Higgins says to him, "Stop that now,
Kip. "
Finally, I snap out of the nightmare I' m living and run out the door.
"Jay, wait! " Mrs. Higgins yells.
Not listening, I run to my car. I can't stay here another minute. The
anguish on Kip's face replays in my mind. That is what I dreaded
seeing. I know someone's loss is because of me. It's hard to see the road
through the tears that cloud my eyes. Rubbing them with the back of
my hand, I try to clear my vision. I can't stand the pain anymore, and I
just want to forget it all, at least for a little while.
Grabbing my phone, I call Rhye, but after a couple of rings it goes to
voice mail. Throwing my phone into the passenger seat, I hit my palm
against the steering wheel. Taking deep breaths, I try to calm myself
when my phone rings. Picking it up, I see Rhye calling me back.
"Hey, where are you at?" I ask.
"School, last period. Why?"
How could I forget about school? Just another remembrance of how
much my life has been altered. Forever changed. "Nothing, Never
mind."
"Jay, what is it? Talk to me."
"I was just wanting to hang out...," I start to say when he interrupts
me.
"I'm outta here. Meet me at Chris's in a half-hour." The line goes silent
as he hangs up.

Turning the car around, I drive to Chris's apartment across town. Chris
is one of Rhye's best friends and band mate. I met Chris when I was a
high school freshman and he was a junior. I'm pretty sure he quit school
at some point. Spotting a convenience store, I pull in and park. Digging
through my wallet, I search for my fake I.D. It's the first time I' ve
needed it since, well, since before. Pulling out all my credit cards and
my real I.D., I realize it's missing. Damn. My parents must have found
it and confiscated it.
Throwing the car in reverse, I back out and head to Chris's apartment
knowing he' ll have something to drink. Pulling into the parking lot, I'
m about fifteen minutes early. As I wait on Rhye, my phone rings. It' s
my mother. I' m sure Mrs. Higgins called her, but I don' t want to talk. I
decide to send her a text message instead.
Me - I'm fine, just need some time.
Mom - Where are you at? Do you want me to come get you? Me -
Mom, chill!!! I'm good, not alone. Call later. Mom - CALL ME
NOW!!! Me - Call later, love you.

With that, I toss my phone back into the passenger seat and get out of
the car. I take off my jacket and throw it over my phone. I don't want it
to smell like Chris's apartment when I leave. Locking the doors, I tug
my black long-sleeve t-shirt down over the waist of my jeans. I walk up
the stairs and knock on the door. Chris answers, looking like a new-age
Jesus with his long locks of hair and ratty bathrobe. I'm pretty sure if
you look up "stoner" in the dictionary, Chris' s picture would be right
under the definition.
"Hey girl. Rhye called and said he's on his way. C'mon in. Mi casa es su
casa. "
He doesn't leave much room to squeeze by, and I'm pretty sure it's on
purpose. Once I get through, the smell of marijuana almost knocks me
back. Taking a deep breath, I turn around.
"So glad you didn't kill yourself."
"Thanks, Chris," I reply with a smile. I'm not sure how to respond to
that.
"Want a beer?"
I nod, and he turns to head into the kitchen. Making myself at home, I
sit down on the couch. His apartment is known as party central, and
usually, you can find someone hanging out. I'm surprised to actually be
the only one here. He walks back and hands me a bottle of beer.
Twisting the cap off, I gulp down the first bitter swallow.
"So when you died what did you see?"
Choking on the light ale, I clear my throat and say, "Excuse me?" "You
know, did you see Heaven or Hell? Ooh...did you see, like, dead
people?"
His face lights up like a child telling Santa what he wants for
Christmas.
"I heard you were, like, dead for thirty minutes before they brought you
back. " Nodding his head up and down, he continues, "I bet you saw a
lot of crazy shit. "
"Actually, I don't remember seeing anything because I'm pretty sure I
never died. "
"They probably didn't tell you. My friend's, cousin's boyfriend has a
sister that is an E.M.T., and she was at your house that night, and that's

what she told him. You should be hypnotized or some shit like that so
you can get those memories back. "
His stupidity knows no bounds. You can't argue with that type of logic.
I've been around enough "burners" to know it's a losing battle. There is
only one logical thing to do. Agree with them.
"You're so right, Chris. I'll check into it." He continues to nod his head
at me, grinning like an idiot. Taking another drink of beer, I perk up
when I hear the front door open. Rhye walks in, looking sexier than I
remember. His black and yellow-streaked hair hangs over to one side
as his dark-brown eyes exude happiness when they see me. His black
t-shirt has his band logo "The Mavs" across the front, and his blue jeans
are well-worn and hanging low on his hips.
I stand before he can reach me, and he lifts me up into a fierce hug.
Rhye is not muscular like Kane; his body is lean, but there is hard
muscle there. He smells of a dark rich cologne and cigarettes. Nothing
has ever smelled better. Smiling, I can feel his nose and lips against my
neck, and I bet he is sniffing me, as I am him.
Slowly he leans back, looking into my eyes, "I've missed those sad grey
eyes. "
Looking back, I start to reply when I can't help but notice that he does
have a lower case "j" tattooed underneath the corner of his eye where
most people would have a tear drop. Placing my finger against it, I
shake my head. "I've missed you."
I' ve surprised him. Standing on the tip of my toes, I press my mouth
against his cheek and then pull back. Turning to sit down, I' m yanked
back against his chest with both of his hands gripping my hips.
"Can you give us a minute, Chris? " he says over my head. Chris smiles
at us as he walks into his bedroom and closes the door.
My back tingles where it's pressed up against him, and lust surges
through my body. I don't know if it's because of him or because it's
been so long for me. No matter the reason, it's not why I came here, and
I refuse to ever use somebody like that again, including myself. I try to
pull away, but he holds tight.
"Do you still ache from the emptiness inside or is it filled in with pain?"
he whispers into my ear, letting his lips linger against my face.

God! See. He knows me better than anyone else. I didn' t have to tell
him. I never have. Nodding my head, I let it drop forward, and I feel his
tongue trace across my neck. I try to jerk away, but he tightens his
grip.
"Do you want this?" he says, grinding his hard pelvis into my backside.
"Is that why you called?"
Drawing a groan of longing from inside of me, he pulls me closer, and
my eyes flutter shut. Shaking my head, I finally say, "No. Please, I
don't want to use you." He lets go, and I stumble forward, almost
falling to my knees.
I turn to see the fires of lust burning bright within his eyes; I know that
look. It has burnt me a time or two. "I' m sorry. Maybe I shouldn' t have
called you. "
"Why did you call me, Jay? Did you want to get high? Forget for a little
while? I mean, that is your usual M.O. when you call. What an idiot to
think it was me you wanted to see. "
"I did call you to forget my life for a while and to escape, but I wanted
to see you too. Everything became too much, and I guess, I fell back on
old habits. My life is so complicated. I'm sorry." I turn to walk out the
door when he grabs my hand.
"Please don't leave. I was a dick. I told you several times to call me if
you needed to get away. Damn, I fall back into our old shit just as easy.
Turn around, please?"
Looking back, I zero in on him worrying his lip ring with his teeth. I
can' t help but think how sexy that is. Attraction has never been mine or
Rhye's problem. Maybe this was a bad idea.
"Don't leave, tell me what you want." His voice pleads. "Your eyes say
'me', but something tells me your mind is screaming something
else."
"No, my mind is pretty much in agreement with my eyes," I say, only to
quickly add when I see his pupils dilate, "but, I can't. Not now
anyway."
Rubbing his hands over his face, he sighs, "Okay, sit. Let's just
talk."
He pretty much drags me back over to the couch and pulls me

down to sit next to him. Picking up my beer, he starts chugging it until
it's gone. "What happened today?"
"I went to visit Mrs. Higgins, and let's just say that Kip wasn't happy to
see me. "
"Actually, I had to shut his drunk ass up a time or two these past couple
of months when he ran his mouth at the bar. Sucks that you had to hear
that. "
"Yeah, it did. You know, I've tried my best to deal with what happened.
I had to let JT go to get past everything, but it' s so hard seeing the pain
that it has caused Kip. "
"Kip is an asshole," he replies.
"Doesn' t mean that he deserves to go through this hell. He loved his
brother. "
"So what? You can' t change what happened. You move on, deal with
things that you can change, and let the rest of the shit go. "
I nod. He' s right. Beating myself up for how Kip feels doesn' t fix
anything. It only brings me to emotional places that I don't need to be.
"Want to get high?" he asks.
It' s why I thought I came here, but maybe not. I needed a friend, and
well, I found an old true one.
"No, I just came to talk to a friend." I smile at him.
"Oh, don't get all high and mighty on me now."
Laughing at him, I reply, "I'm sure we'll do that soon enough. So, have
you heard anything else from the record label? "
"Fuck no, but hey, I still have the local paying job, and that's better than
nothing. "
"You'll make it. I know you will. You will have so many chicks falling
all over you. "
Rolling his eyes, he startles me when he says, "Shut up, Jay. I don't
want ' chicks' falling all over me. I get that shit now. I only want one
certain girl to open her eyes and finally see what has always been in
front of her." Standing up, he pounds his chest, "Me...Jay. Me."
"Rhye, my head is so messed up."
"Newsflash, Jay. Your head has been fucked up for years. You've went
through hell and back. Nothing is ever going to be normal. Quit

trying so hard. Damn. Just live your life for yourself. Isn't that what you
did before when we were together? Think about it. I know there were
times you were happy. When you didn't care what anyone thought and
just did what made you smile."
"Yeah, well newsflash for you Rhye. I also didn't care about who I did
it with. That's if you want me to be honest."
Placing his face against mine, he sneers, "Honest? You want to be
honest? You're a walking contradiction. You want freedom, but you
want it bound and restricted." Narrowing his eyes, he continues, "All
wrapped up in a nice little bow. Damn you! I tried to give you up, but
I'm fucking addicted like a cracked out junky." He sighs loudly.
"I'm sorry, Rhye. I do care about you."
"How do you care about me? Do you see yourself ever being with
me?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
"I've seen that guy, Kane, out with other girls recently, so I know he' s
out of the picture. Is there anyone else?"
"Yes Rhye...me! I need to figure out me, before I can give myself to
anyone else." I can't handle this anymore. This time I shrug away from
him as I walk by so he is unable to grab me. He follows me out the door
and down the steps. The temperature has dropped since I got here.
Caging me against the car, he reaches for my hands as I slap them
away.
"Jay, wait...listen to me. Please don't leave."
"What?"
"Let me take you out to dinner. Just to eat. Take things as slow as you
want. "
"Rhye, I don't think I'm ready for that."
"Dinner, Jay. You have to eat. I have to eat. We will just do it together."
"Okay, but next week. Just let me know what nights you don't have

a

gig.

"

"Alright, I'll text you." When he pulls away, I'm able to get into my car
and drive off. I' m suddenly thankful that I only had two sips of beer so
I can drive home. Lesson learned.
My phone chirps letting me know I have voicemails, text message,

or probably both. I decide to ignore them until I get home.
Pulling into my driveway, I groan when I see all the cars. Molly and
Reed's are parked side by side. Kane's silver Crossfire is behind them,
and a red minivan is behind his. Are you freaking kidding me? I almost
turn to drive away when the front door opens and everyone spills out. I
step out of the car as Kane leads the angry mob towards me.
"Where have you been, Jay? This stupid shit like ignoring your phone
has to stop," he says, coming to stand in front of me.
Letting my anger take over, I push my index finger into his chest,
"Really, Kane? Maybe you need to go back to your fucking dates and
quit pretending to worry about me." We stare each other down.
My mother walks up to us both, oblivious to what is going on. "Jay,
Mrs. Higgins and I were so worried about where you were. I didn' t
know what to do. "
Finally taking my eyes off him, I glance over at my mother, "I texted
you and told you not to worry. And you promised me that you wouldn't
call him again."
"Your mother didn't call me. I came by to talk with you, and you were
missing. "
"For your information, I wasn't 'missing'. I was..." I stop talking when
he suddenly leans forward to smell my hair.
"What the hell, Jay? Have you been with that fucking wanna-be rock
star getting high?" Roughly grabbing my arms, he pulls me close like
he is going to kiss me, but at the last moment, he smells my breath.
"And drinking? Are you kidding me?"
"That is none of your business."
"No, but it is mine, young lady," my mother snaps.
My words are for my mother, but I direct them to Kane. "I did not get
high, and I had two drinks of beer. I needed a friend to talk to, one that
was around and not too busy hanging out with skanks in bars. "
"So he told you what? That he has seen me out on dates? I told you
first."
Glaring at him, I choose not to reply.
"And are you shitting me? One, I don't hang out with skanks in bars,
that would be your boy wheat bread or whatever his name is.

Second, I have all but begged you to call me if you needed me, but you
have something going on in that crazy head of yours that makes you
think you can't. If I wanted out of your life, I wouldn't keep coming
around like an idiot. "
"Why do you keep coming around?"
He reacts like I have slapped him.
"Good question," he says, turning to walk to his car.
"Kane, don't leave," my mother says. "Jay, don't let him leave mad."
"You know, Rhye is right. It was so much easier when I didn't have to
care about what everyone thought about me. "
"Oh, that's original," Kane says turning around and walking back to
me. "Did he say that before you picked up where you guys left off or
after?"
"Are you serious, Kane?" I don't know if I am more hurt or pissed about
what he just said.
"I don't know, Jay. Are you?" he says marching up in my face. "Are
you serious about living your life for you? Or do you need to make
more empty promises that don't mean shit? Are you serious about
moving on with your life and having a relationship with someone that
wants you to care about what you think of yourself? Who wants you to
learn to love yourself so that you can love him as much as he has come
to realize that he loves you?"
Nobody says a word. I think everyone, especially me, is shocked into
silence. The only sound is Kane's heavy breathing.
"Damn it, everything is always so difficult with you. Nothing is ever
easy or private," he states looking around at our small audience.
"Since Jay is home safe and sound, I'm just going to leave now." I turn
to see Mrs. Higgins kindly smiling at me. She turns to get into her
minivan and backs out of the driveway.
"Wow, would you look at the time. Molly and I have school tomorrow,
so we are going to head out," Reed says, looking at his wrist that
doesn't even have a watch around it.
"No we don't. Tomorrow is Saturday," Molly states in a daze as she
dreamily looks at Kane and I.

"Yes, Saturday school," Reed says as he grabs her hand and leads her to
her car.
My mother is the only one left standing with us.
"Well, I'm just going to say that I'm not happy with either one of you
right now. "
Both of our heads swing in question towards her.
"Jay, you have acted immaturely today and very irresponsibly.
Regardless if you have had a bad day or not, the whole reason you have
a cell phone is for us to be able to contact each other. So, in the future,
please don't turn off or ignore your phone. You need to act like an adult
instead of a child." Turning towards Kane, she says, "And you, that
wasn't nice to point out past relationships. I can vouch for her and say
that, other than school, she doesn't go out at all. You say you want to be
'just friends', but she needs more from you."
"Mom," I start to say.
"Let me finish, Jay. When it comes to you, Kane, she doesn't know
whether she is coming or going. If you want to be with her, then make
that choice. Otherwise, let someone else have that spot. And I love my
daughter, but she is slow on the uptake with you. You are going to have
to spell out exactly what you want. Okay, I'm finished. I'm going back
in to start dinner." Walking by Kane, she pats his arm while glaring at
me.
"That was awkward," I say out loud. "Yeah, your mom doesn't pull any
punches." "Tell me about it."
"I'm tired, Jay. I'm not sure I want to talk about any of this anymore
tonight. "
"I agree. "
Walking by him, I tug on his shirt and pull him towards his car.
"I' m sorry. Look, nothing happened with Rhye. I had a bad day, and
my first thought was to get drunk or high. When I finally had the
chance, I turned it down. It wasn't what I ended up wanting, but if we
are telling no lies, I have a dinner date with Rhye next week. "
"And you want to go?"
"It's not a relationship, Kane."

"But I' m asking if you want to go?"
"Sure, why not," I reply, only because he has been on his dates.
Nodding his head, he finally gets into his car. Before closing the door,
he says one last thing, "Be safe. "
Watching him drive away, I worry about how things will turn out. He's
right; nothing is ever easy with us. Nothing is ever easy for me.

One WiVQ,$ we Uu^k.JDnd imk64 we *t^j...•One V^w^W/ w^
WaV...*>ne »wn$ i(r
Gkipvei Ten
For the entire next month, I take time for me. No boys, no drama, and
nothing but understanding what I want from me. For me. I keep busy
with my online school work and the two courses I'm taking at the local
college. I put Rhye's offer for dinner on hold, but he still texts me often.
Kane is keeping his distance. He texts or calls about once a week to
check in.
The only boys allowed in my life are Eli and Cal. Eli has visited several
times, and each time, he leaves me feeling better emotionally. I told my
mom that we should be paying him my therapist fees. My mother and
Molly have fallen head-over-heels in love with him. They were both
worried at first when they saw us together. I even heard Molly mutter,
"Not another one." Eli and I burst out laughing, explaining that I wasn't
his type.
Cal still visits every Thursday after school. His mom drops him off for
a couple hours, and we hang out and play video games. We don't talk
about the accident or the future. It's a comfortable feeling of no
expectations, but I know it won't last forever.
My therapist tells me that inner peace is everything, but for that to
happen, I have to create some outer peace in my life. Looking into the
mirror, I don't hate the girl I see anymore. I feel sorry for her. Had
things

been different, she would have had an amazing life. But the truth is that
I still can have an amazing life, just not the same one. My choice; my
path to choose.
"Jay, Eli is here," my mother says from my bathroom door. Looking at
her reflection in the mirror, I smile and say, "Can you send him up?"
"Sure, honey."
Grabbing some lip gloss from the counter, I swipe it against my
lips.
"T-shirt, gym shorts, and lipstick. Ooh, you got all dressed up for me,"
Eli says, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. "What
are you doing here?"
"Just thought I would stop by to see if you have a hot date tonight, and
if not, to see if you wanted to hang out. "
"I haven't been on a date in over five months."
"Not because you haven't been asked. By the way, how are things going
with Rhye?"
"He wants me to come out to hear him play tonight."
"What about Kane? Heard from him lately?"
"Yeah, he called to see how I was doing last week, but it was like a two
minute conversation." Walking past him, I sit down cross-legged on
my bed. "Eli, I don't understand what he wants from me. He hints about
his feelings, but then, he goes on with his life without me. "
"He's a man, Jay. He is not going to constantly talk about his feelings."
"So, what? He dates other girls to find out if really does love me? I
don't understand the logic behind that." My mom and I have told Eli
everything Kane has said and done.
"No, I think he is saying that he is giving you space so you can figure
out what you want but that his life will continue. And I've warned you
before. You better hope he doesn't meet somebody that makes him
forget about those silver eyes of yours. That's a chance you both take
playing this game of yours. "
"I've told you that I know he deserves better than me. Who would want
to deal with me and my issues?"

"Someone that loves you, Jay. That wants to be with you. If your past
hadn't happened, you probably would never have met Kane. What are
the chances that you would have been sitting in that bar that fall day?
Fate, divinity, whatever you want to call it, brought you together. "
"So, what are you saying? I had to go through hell to get a piece of
heaven?"
Taking a deep breath, he says, "Sometimes the bad things that happen
in our lives put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that
will ever happen to us. "
Staring into his sweet brown eyes, I ask, "You believe that?"
"Sure, but you know what you have to figure out?"
"What? The path I decide to choose?"
"Yeah, and the person. You know I believe it's Kane that you truly
want. But I have to admit that you get this gleam in your eye when you
talk about Rhye. Sexual attractions can sometimes be just that and
nothing more. No substance, but sometimes it can light a fire inside that
burns everything in its path. But right now, you're a single lady, and I
think it's about time that you acted like one. So, get dressed.
"Eli," I start to say.
"No, listen. I don't care if it's been weeks, months, or years. You've
mourned. You've moved on. Now go live. Just a little. Listen, you don't
have to date. Just go out. Have a good time."
"Okay, but I don' t want to go by myself. I want you to go with
me."
"Why? Are you scared? Has Branch attempted to talk to you
again?"
"No, he hasn't. but..." Looking down, I stop myself from continuing
because it sounds stupid.
"But, what?" Grabbing my chin, he tugs my face upwards.
"It' s crazy. I' m just paranoid. Every time I go out to the store, school,
or anywhere, I feel like someone is watching me. It' s crazy, and it' s
driving me crazy. "
"Have you said anything to the police or at least to your parents?"
I shake my head.
"It's not crazy, Jay. He could be watching you. Waiting."

"No, it's me. I think I'm losing my mind. Agent Morris is pressuring me
to testify. The D.A., Mr. Reeves, came with her last time, and well, they
both emphasized the reality of what could happen without my
cooperation. It scares me, Eli. To death. "
Wrapping his arm around me, he kisses my forehead. "Okay, we are
going to get you dressed up and hit the town. All our troubles are going
to disappear, at least for tonight anyway. "
He stands, pulling me up with him. "Actually, you get cleaned up, and
I'll be back. On the way out, I'll ask your mom if it's okay if I crash here
tonight. We are going to party it up," he yells, walking out of my room.
Shaking my head at him, I realize that I'm ready, ready to live a little
again. I haven't let go and danced in so long. Jumping up, a spark of
excitement makes me giggle. I head to my closet to think about what to
wear. It definitely has to be something sexy, but not for a guy, for me.
Several hours later, I take one final look in the mirror. Last winter, I
bought this dress on clearance, and then I completely forgot about it. It'
s a body-hugging beige leather mini-dress with long sleeves and a
scooped neckline. After digging through my closet, I found my leather
knee-high boots and pulled them on. They are the perfect complement
to my dress. Brushing my hair out, I leave it loose and let it cascade
down my back. I hear Eli laughing in the kitchen with my mom and dad
when I enter the foyer. I step through the door, and everyone stops with
mouths agape. Eli lets out a slow whistle. My mom swivels her hand
around, wanting me to turn, and I do. My father clears his throat, so I
turn back around.
"Absolutely, not Jay. I' m not letting you out of the house in that," he
says, but his soft tone counteracts his statement.
"Leave her alone, Dale. You look so beautiful, Jay."
"Thanks. So what's the plan?" I ask Eli. He's dressed in the usual
country boy chic with a red baseball cap pulled low, black long-sleeved
thermal shirt, and jeans.
"Dinner, then dancing. Well, you dancing and me sitting, because I
don' t dance. Slow dances only. "
I shake my head at him.

"What time should I have her home?" he asks my parents.
The shock on their faces is priceless. I've never really had a curfew. It's
never even been discussed. Things have been different since I've been
home, but I still haven't had a curfew.
My mother looks at my father who shrugs his shoulders, and then turns
back to us. "Not too late. Just be safe. "
"Well, I don't drink, so no worries there. I just thought we would hang
out downtown then head home," Eli answers.
"That's fine, Eli," my mom replies.
I walk out of the kitchen to get my jacket, and Eli follows.
"Have you ever had a curfew?" he asks.
"No," I answer.
"That would explain the confused looks."
Laughing, I grab his hands and pull him outside. Winter has finally
arrived in Georgia. I pull my jacket closed as Eli opens the passenger
door of his blue 2010 Toyota 4Runner for me. Going back to his side,
he gets in, and turns the heater up.
"Where do you want to eat?"
"How about we stop at that new hamburger joint?"
"Sounds good," I say.
Turning up the music, we jam out as the latest rap song thumps through
the speakers. I lay my head against the headrest, letting the anticipation
of the night settle in my stomach. Bouncing my head to the beat, I sing
the lyrics. It's going to be a good night. We grab something to eat and
then head downtown. I' m ready to feel tonight. Only one choice comes
to mind. "Ever been to Vortex?" I ask him.
"Not really my scene. They don't play any country, but I'll sacrifice
myself for the greater good tonight. "
Laughing, I look at him. He' s become one of my closest friends, and I'
m so thankful he is in my life. It' s still early, so there is not a line when
we arrive. I leave my jacket and purse in the car because I do not want
to keep up with them; however, I do grab my I.D and phone. Giving my
I.D. over to Eli, he shows them to the bouncer, and our hands are
marked with an "under 21 " stamp. Being here feels like yesterday, but
it also feels like I' m a world away.

Walking in, I look around at the crowd starting to amass. Rhye's band
goes on stage later in the evening. Overhead, an assortment of rock,
rap, and pop music plays to buy time before the live performance.
Right now a mix of Santigold's "Shove It," blares in the background.
Vortex is a converted warehouse. The stage sits on one side, opposite
from the bar. In between, there are tables, u-shaped booths, and a small
dance floor.
Eli reaches for my hand and maneuvers us to one of the u-shaped
booths. My eyes immediately go to the back corner booth where five
guys sit, cutting up around the table. Several girls are nestled in
between them and laughing at whatever they are saying. Rhye sits to
the side, nursing his beer and peeling the label; I immediately notice
that none of the girls seem to be with him.
Sliding into the cushioned booth, Eli follows me in. The way we are
seated, I can still lean over to see Rhye, but he can't see me.
"Do you want something to drink?" he asks.
"You have a fake I.D. that I don't know about?"
He laughs saying, "Fair enough. I'm going to go get me a Coke. I'll
be back. "
The music changes over to Bruno Mars "Locked Out of Heaven." I
mouth the words and tap my foot to the beat against the floor. Eli
returns with a Coke for himself and a Sprite, which he sits down in
front of me. Sipping the cool beverage, I lean back to see Rhye again,
but he's not there. Looking around, I don't see him anywhere; he must
have gone into the back. My phone buzzes with a text message.
Rhye - Be My <3.....come listen to me 2night at V
He's referring to next week being Valentine's Day.
Me - What's in it for me? Rhye - A song
Me - Is it going to piss me off?
Rhye - Probably....most everything I do does.

Me - Ass Rhye - Tease
Me - You never know... I could be here now...listening to Bruno
Mars
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him come rushing out of the back,
wildly looking around.
"What are you looking at?" Eli follows my line of sight. "This should
be good. "
"Let me out," I say. Eli slides out of the booth with me behind him.
Once I stand, he sits back down. Smoothing my dress, I continue to
stare at Rhye who is still looking though groups of people. He looks
back down at his phone, like it will lead him to me. An outburst of
laughter escapes from deep within.
My laugh must carry over the music because he turns right towards me.
Our eyes lock. He reaches my side in seconds, barreling through people
to get here. His grin widens as his eyes finally leave mine to travel
down my body and back up.
"Damn, Jay," he says in awe. "Damn," he repeats, looking at me again.
Returning the favor, I see that he is dressed in a black Mavs t-shirt and
black skinny jeans, his normal wardrobe. The only difference for his
stage presence is a couple of silver rings, a black wrist band, and a
silver chain hanging from one belt loop to the other.
"Like what you see?" I can't help but ask.
"Hell, yes," he replies playfully.
I hear coughing behind me as Eli signals for introductions. Instantly, I
remember that I've told Eli about Rhye but not Rhye about Eli.
Turning, I look down at Eli, and Rhye does the same. His cheeks
redden with anger. He's pissed.
"Rhye, this is my friend Eli."
Eli sticks his hand out to shake Rhye's and replies, "Hi." Ignoring the
formalities, Rhye looks at him and then back to me. "Are you on a
date?"

"No, we are just hanging out." Eli speaks up from his seat, "Just
friends." "Thanks Eli. I think I've got this." "Did you come here to see
me tonight?" Rhye asks. I take a deep breath. Answering this will
probably damn me. Oh well. Either way, we will both likely get hurt.
So here goes nothing.
"Yes," I reply.
Smiling, he finally reaches his hand to Eli. "Rhye." "I know," Eli
replies.
"Let me get you both something to drink."
"I'll take something sweet," I say, figuring just one drink can't
hurt.
"I have something already. Thanks though," Eli says.
As a waitress passes, he orders us both something and turns back to
me.
A slow and easy melody starts playing, and I hear Rhye whisper,
"Perfect." Turning towards me, he grabs my hand, looks into my eyes,
and says to Eli, "Excuse us. They're playing our song."
Rhye pulls me through the throngs of people until we reach a corner on
the dance floor. He places his hands on my hips and pulls me close.
Bringing my face to his, I circle my arms around his neck. We sway to
the sexy beat as he rubs his pelvis against mine. Moving his mouth to
my ear, he softly sings the lyrics, "How dare you say it' s nothing to
me? Baby, you're the only light I ever saw." He hums the remainder of
the song, and the vibration of his voice tickles my ear. I stroke the soft
skin on the back of his neck with my thumbs, and goose bumps emerge.
His lips trail down my neck as he draws me closer, leaving no space
between us.
I' m hyperaware of every breath he takes, every stroke of his hands, and
every subtle movement. I never want this to end. This closeness of
being with someone is addictive. Our bodies move gracefully, in sync
with the music, as John Mayer sings, "Slow Dancing in a Burning
Room." In this moment, the lyrics make so much sense. Rhye was
right; if we had a song about our relationship, it would be this one. I lift
my head and look into his eyes. The truth greets me, but choosing to
ignore

it for now, I rest my head on his chest.
The song plays out and another slow one replaces it, but the intimate
moment is over. Pulling back slightly, I look up at him. "What' s the
song's name?"
In confusion, he asks, "What song?"
"The one you're going to sing me tonight."
"Oh 'One More Night'," he answers.
Not knowing exactly how to reply, I change the subject. "Were you
surprised to see me?"
"Yes, and you almost started a bar brawl. Damn, I thought I was going
to smash that kid's face in."
"What are you talking about?"
"Jay, had he been your actual date, it would have been on. You've been
holding me at a distance, and I respect that, but it better apply to
everyone. You feeling me on this? "
I know what he is saying, and it pisses me off. "We are not in a
relationship, Rhye. "
"And we probably never will be," he finishes, confirming what I saw in
his eyes earlier. "I'm okay with that, Jay. But understand this: the times
we do hang out, it's just us. I don't need or want to hear about anyone
else, and I sure as hell don't want to see them. In fact, send Eli home, I'll
take you home after my set."
"I can't."
"You can't or you won't?"
"Both, he's my sober driver, and he's spending the night."
He comes to an abrupt stop, and his voice rises with every word. "What
the hell do you mean he is spending the night with you? At your house?
I thought your mom didn't travel anymore?"
Stepping away from him, I turn to walk away, but he grapples with my
arm and pulls me into a darkened corner. With a rap song's bass beating
loudly, he pulls me in close so I can hear him. Putting his mouth next to
my ear, he commands, "Talk. "
It' s not my place to speak for Eli. I respect him way too much for that,
but I' m not sure how to get myself out of this one. "No. "
Rhye doesn't look amused. "No?"

Shaking my head, I say, "I came to dance and hang out with you and
Eli. He and I are strictly friends. You just have to trust me about that."
"Poltergeist" by the Deftones pumps out of the speakers, and the
hauntingly dark chords call to me. Swaying to the music, I wrap my
arms around Rhye's neck and pull him down to my mouth. "Dance with
me?" I ask.
Rhye groans, "Can I spend the night, too?"
Laughing, I say, "I don't think my mom will go for that, but would it
make you happy to know that my parents are home and he is sleeping
far away from me. "
Nodding, he pulls me back to the dance floor. He grips my hips again,
and I rest my hands on top of his, intertwining our fingers. My body is
pressed solidly against his as he rocks his hips into mine. We dance
through the next several songs, letting sweat coat our bodies. Our
movements are synchronized, a prelude of what could be.
"I'm thirsty. Let's go," he says into my ear.
Working our way off the dance floor, we make it back to the booth. As
soon as I see Eli, I feel guilty. He sits, tapping his fingers against the
table. Throwing myself next to him, I say, "I'm so sorry. I got caught up
dancing."
"I noticed, but it's cool. That's why we came. I'm just glad that I don' t
have to dance. Here is the drink they brought you, " he replies pushing a
red concoction towards me.
Picking it up, I take a small sip, and my lips pucker at the sweet yet sour
taste. Yummy. Vodka and cranberry juice.
"Slide over," Rhye directs, pushing me further into the booth. Eli and I
scoot over to make room for him. I see him motion to the waitress for
two more drinks and some shots. "So, how did you two meet?"
Eli and I look at each other as we burst out laughing. How do you tell
someone that you met in the "nut-house. " Just doesn' t work. People
don' t get it.
"We met in therapy," Eli answers.
Good one. Works for me, and I can tell by Rhye's expression that it
does for him as well. The waitress returns with another drink for me
and an array of liquor shots. I remember from dating Rhye before that
each

performance is prefaced with several shots to alleviate a small bout of
stage fright.
"Liquid courage," he says, picking one up and downing it. He motions
for Eli to join him.
"Sorry, I don't drink alcohol," he smiles saying.
Rhye looks at me, shrugs his shoulders, and nudges me to grab one. I
shake my head, holding my drink up to indicate that one was enough.
Leaning down to kiss my cheek, Rhye says, "Off to sing for my
supper." With a wink, he walks away to get ready for the show.
"What do you think? Honestly?"
"I get why you're attracted to him. Bad boy rocker and all, but other
than that, I don't see it."
"I definitely don't see forever, and neither does he."
"Yeah, but are you ready for a one-night stand? Or anything short
term? I' m just so worried that the fire between you guys would burn
out as quickly as it ignites. I thought short-term would be good for you,
but now, I' m not feeling it, and I' m not sure you are either. "
Looking around the bar, I spot someone. This really cannot be
happening. I hear Eli talking, but I'm not listening. My heart just
walked through the door with someone else -- a blonde someone else
with big boobs. I freaking knew it. That no-good-lying-dog! Well,
lying because he denied that was his type of girl.
Snapping his fingers in front of my face, Eli beckons for my attention.
"You have an attention deficit problem. I really hate when you zone
out. "
"You want to know what I hate, Eli? I hate ex-boy...friends or whatever
he is, who lie and show up on the one night you decide to go out. Well,
you've been wanting to meet him, so there he is."
Motioning to the couple at the bar, Eli asks, "Kane?"
Nodding my head, we both stare. Kane is dressed in dark jeans, black
knit sweater, and black boots. His hair has been buzzed short, and the
low neckline shows off the written tattoo on his neck.
"Well, I have to say, you know how to pick'em."
"Don't I just," I say, grabbing one of Rhye's shots and downing it.
Sucking in air as the stout liquor burns all the way down my chest, I

continue to stare at them.
The blonde beside him smiles at something he says. Her short curly
hair makes her look younger than she probably is. She has on a white
button-up shirt, jeans, and boots. Her glossy red-lipstick makes her
look like a two-dollar whore. Grabbing two more shots, I turn them, up
one after another. The second one doesn't burn as bad going down, but
the warmth spreads throughout my stomach.
"Slow down, chugger. I don't think you want to be praying to the
porcelain gods tonight, and I' m betting you haven' t had alcohol in
months."
"HA-HA!" I say rather loudly. My lips start to feel a little fuzzy. I don'
t want Kane to see me sitting down and not having a good time. I start
to slide out of the booth, but my leather dress sticks to the vinyl seat.
Ugh! Finally maneuvering out, I turn to make sure Kane did not see
that bit of humiliation. Thank God he didn't. Signaling to Eli, I mouth,
"Get up. Hurry!"
"What are we doing?"
Grabbing Eli's hand, I lace our fingers together and tug him until he
follows me.
"This is a bad idea. For the record, I already feel how much of a bad
idea it is. I swear, Jay. If you get me punched, kicked, or assaulted in
any way tonight, our friendship is over. Got it? "
"Quit whining, Eli. We are just getting closer to the stage to see
Rhye."
"Oh...that's even better. Didn't you tell me that Kane can't stand Rhye?
Just for the record, your boy over there is double my size and Rhye's. I
think he can take us both out with no problems."
"Nobody is taking you out... well, except me if you don't play along," I
hiss at him. Finally, I get to a place off to the side of the stage on a
raised dais. Forcing Eli behind me, I move to stand in front of him with
our hands still intertwined. Hearing him clear his throat, I turn my head
back to glance at his disgruntled expression.
"Let me get this straight. You are trying to make the guy, who we both
know you are insanely in love with, jealous with your gay soon-to-be
ex-friend? If you get me hit while your boy-toy serenades you

with love songs, I swear, Jay," he snorts loudly. "Trust me. You don' t
need me to piss him off, and you' re about to do just that. Just being in
the same place as Rhye while he sings to you is enough. As your friend,
my advice is that we get the hell out of here before Kane sees you. "
Seeing a human-bullet heading my way out of the corner of my eye, I
mutter, "Too late. " Looking down, I say, "Hey Kane. " His green eyes
drop to my boots before slowly rising until they reach my face. The
appreciation in his eyes makes me shudder. His desire is tangible.
"Hi, Jay," he says, narrowing his eyes at my hand holding Eli' s.
Eli shakes my hand free and reaches out. "Hi, I' m Eli. Jay' s ' gay'
friend."
Turning back towards Eli, I give him an exaggerated eye-roll before
facing Kane.
Kane' s face is almost completely relaxed now, and he even has a slight
smile on his lips. Shaking Eli' s hand, he says, "Kane. Jay' s 'straight'
friend." He and Eli look at each other before bursting into peals of
laughter.
"Real funny guys. Laugh it up. " I glance around to see Kane' s date
looking a little lost without him at the bar, so I sarcastically ask, "Lose
something, Kane?"
Giving me a scorching sexy smile, he replies, "Not yet. "
Crossing my arms across my chest, I shake my head at his answer.
"What?"
Nodding my head towards the bimbo at the bar, I look at the expression
of shock on his face.
"Shit," he utters.
Wow, it seems like he really did forget about her. Brunettes one,
blondes zero.
Finally spotting him, she starts to walk our way. Kane stands there like
a deer in headlights. This is going to be awkward and probably painful.
Damn...double damn. When she reaches us, she smiles a 100-watt
smile.
"Hi," she says in a tiny voice.
Mr. Personality behind me pipes up, "Hey. This is Jay, and I' m
Eli."

I squeeze out a smile, which given the circumstances, is a win. "Kate,"
she says, glancing at Kane.
Looking directly at me, she grabs his arm as if claiming her prize. Well,
this just reached a whole new level of messed up.
Smiling at me, she asks, "Do you like The Mavs? I love them. They are
one of my favorite bands. I had to drag Kane here to hear them."
Okay, I wish I could act like an adult and be the "bigger-person", but
I'm not. Looking directly in Kane's eyes, I answer, "Yeah, I used to date
the lead singer. In fact, he invited me here tonight. "
Thank God for Rhye, because at that moment, he walks out on the stage
with his guitar hanging around his chest. The crowd has grown, and it' s
a packed house. Shading his eyes, I can see him looking out over the
crowd. "How's everybody tonight?" Cheers fill the bar. "Alright. Who's
ready to hear The Mavs play the hell out of some music?" Again, the
screams echo off the walls. "Let's go!" he yells, starting to play one of
their original songs.
I forgot how commanding and sexy he is on stage. Very, very sexy, but
he's not half as sexy as the man standing to my lower left. About three
songs in, the moment I had been waiting for, and subsequently
dreading, happens.
"Where's my girl?" Of course, all the females yell to him. "Hey guys,
lower the stage lights for a second. "
Once the lights dim, he looks out over the crowd and finally spots me.
"Ah, there she is. " Pointing his
Index finger at me, he turns it up and beckons me to him. "Come here,
Jay. "
Ah, what the hell. I'll see this to the end. Stepping down off of the
platform, I make my way to the stage.
He sits down on the edge with his guitar. Handing the microphone to
me, he says, "Here hold this for me.
I wrote the next song for the lovely lady standing in front of me. It's
called, 'One More Night'."
Playing several chords on his guitar, he looks deep into my eyes.

"We've known this day was coming You've had me locked down,
locked tight, Too many years of waiting, watching Dreaming of your
body, all-day, all-night. I wasn't the one you wanted And he doesn't
know you like I do, But the time for us has come To see this thing
through."
He sings only to me. Blocked by his words, the world around us
disappears. In between verses, he leans closer, almost as if he is going
to kiss me. I feel his hot breath on my mouth, but he pulls back before
our lips touch.
"You can say that you hate me
As your eyes devour me tonight,
Tell me you don't care
When you know it feels so right.
If you need someone to blame
For the lust that burns too bright,
Just hit me, hate me, damn me,

But please let me have one more night.
So if you need someone to blame
For the lust that burns too bright,
Just hit me, hate me, damn me
'Cause we both know it'll only be one more night."
When the last chord plays, the crowd goes wild. My knees threaten to
collapse, and I bet there is not a dry-panty in the place. That was sex in
a song, and his voice, oh my, that deep sexy voice is tantalizing.
When he leans in again, I know he intends to kiss me. Feeling the
sudden need to catch my breath, I quickly turn my head and avoid his
lips.
He just laughs and grabs the microphone to stand up. Taking a sip of
water, he says, "Here's to hot chicks that give great inspiration." All the
guys cheer, and the girls snicker. Rolling my eyes at him, I turn to walk
back. The real world floods in around me once again, and I glance up to
see Kane seething. Kate looks impressed, and Eli looks at me like I' ve
done something incredibly stupid.
When I reach them, Kane grabs my arm and drags me away. I look
back to a confused Kate who is speaking with Eli. Opening a side door,
he pulls me into a dark alley and pushes me up against a brick wall.
Cushioning my head with one of his hands, he pins me with his muscle
hard body and presses one of his thighs between mine.
"He better be glad he didn't lay a fucking hand on you," his sultry voice
threatens.
I am mesmerized by the two dimples carved into his cheeks.
"I'm done trying to be the nice guy. I've given you plenty enough time
to come to me, but you haven't. What do you do? You go to Rhye."
Fisting my hair, he snaps my head back. I forcedly look up at him

as he sneers, "Do you want him, Jay?"
Shaking my head, I'm tired of pushing him away while wishing he was
mine. If he's not going anywhere, then I'm going to claim him.
Reaching my hands up to cradle both sides of his face, I hold him still
and stare into his emerald orbs. Rubbing my heat up and down his
thigh, I try to extinguish the fire that is building, burning, and now,
blazing. My nipples draw tight, aching with an emptiness that only he
can fill. Taking the tip of my tongue, I place it into the crater that one
dimple creates and move it to the other side to do the same.
A guttural groan escapes him, and his hand tightens in my hair,
exposing my neck. Placing his mouth in the middle of my throat, he
beings to suck. The gentle open-mouth suction causes my body to
tighten like a vice. I whimper, not from the pain, but from the intense
pleasure that spreads throughout my body.
Bringing my lips to his, I whisper into his mouth, "Touch me, Kane."
Sticking my wet tongue out, I trace his lips before letting it slip inside
his mouth and out again.
"Fuck," he gasps as a quake racks his body. The intensity of the
moment claims us as we ravage each other's mouths. Lip to lip and
tongue to tongue, he breathes for me. Reaching down with his large
hands, he pulls up the hem of my dress and grabs my ass. A low moan
flows from me. The brick wall scrapes my back as he lifts me to step
deeper between my thighs. It's a welcome pain.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I anchor myself to him. My lips
fall from his for only a second before he grunts in displeasure and
reconnects with me again. I feel his fingers tickle the inside of one
thigh as they move closer to where my inner fire burns. The
anticipation fuels the inferno within me, making my blood boil and
leaving me panting for him. He traces the outer edge of my panties with
his finger, and I lose it.
Tearing my mouth from his, I beg, "Please. Kane, please." I don't
realize that I' m crying until my vision becomes cloudy and I feel the
tears slide down my face. Closing my eyes, I feel miraculously and
marvelously alive. This is what you live for -- these all-consuming
moments with the person that makes everything, including heaven and
hell, worth it.

The sound of the door opening and banging loudly against the brick
wall pulls me out of his spell. In a loud over-exaggerated voice, I hear
Eli say, "I don't think they would have come out here, it's way too
freaking cold. They would be idiots. "
I didn' t notice the cold two seconds ago, but now I do. I try to drop my
legs down and regain my wits, but Kane makes it almost impossible.
Trying to reclaim my lips, he leaves kisses all over my face and softly
mutters, "No, don't move. Don't ever move."
"Kane, someone is coming."
He finally realizes what is happening and drops back. Thank God he
still is holding onto me because I would have fallen to the ground.
His date walks around the corner of the door with eyes wide. I'm sure
it's plain to see what is going on. Kane's lips are swollen, and his
clothes are mussed. I would almost bet that my image mirrors his. Eli
walks up behind her.
"Wow, there you guys are. We've been looking everywhere for you
two. Were you able to help her find her cellphone? Hopefully, you did.
Outside. On a cold windy night. " Eli is obviously trying to cover for
us; however, he sucks at it.
I'm not sure what I should say. Inside I'm screaming, "He's mine bitch!
" but I can' t say that because he might not be mine. He could be hers,
which would totally suck and be my fault for letting him go.
Crossing her arms across her ample chest, she says in her annoyingly
baby voice, "I'm ready to leave, Kane."
He looks at me as he answers, "Ok. I can take you home if you give me
a couple of minutes. "
I hear her huff as she turns around and walks back inside.
Eli shakes his head at me, "Jay, just F.Y.I., Rhye is finishing up his set
right now. "
"Thanks, Eli. I'm coming right in." My voice begins to shiver from the
cold now that I've lost Kane's body heat.
"Eli, if you can give us five minutes. Please explain to Rhye that Jay
had to leave. Then, if you will, escort Kate and meet us in the parking
lot. I would appreciate it," Kane says, turning to me. "Does that work
for you?"

I nod, not quite trusting my voice yet. Grabbing my hand, Kane drags
me around the corner to the parking lot. I immediately spot his car.
Opening the passenger door, he helps me in before going around to his
side. Turning the heat on high, he reaches for me and brings my mouth
to his. There is not much room to move in a compact car.
Between kisses he says, "I have to take her home."
Pulling away, I have to know, so I ask, "Do you care about her?"
"No," he replies. "First date was tonight, and it wasn't going well even
before you. Did you come to see Rhye? "
I was wondering if he was going to ask me about that. "Yes. I tried to
let you go. Tonight I was trying to move on. I didn't want to think, just
to feel." I owe him my honesty.
Shaking his head, he looks away. "Did you at least come here with
Eli tonight?"
"Yes. The thing with Rhye, well, nothing has happened. I don't think it
was ever meant to. "
"Yeah, I got that from his song. Attraction is a bitch sometimes." He
looks at me and asks, "What I want to know is do you want to be with
him?"
"No."
"Do you want to be with me?"
Taking a deep breath, I slowly let it out, "Yes. I' m tired of pushing you
away. I wanted you to have something or someone better, and I hated it.
You tell me you need to figure out your feelings, and then you say I
need to figure out my own problems. Well, I want to move on. I' m
ready, and I'm tired of trying to give you up if you aren't going to leave.
So if you want me, say it. Don' t make me play this guessing game
anymore."
"Are you kidding me?!? I've all but spelled it out." "Spelled what out?"
A streetlamp shines through the windshield and illuminates half of his
face. The intense look in his eye should scare me, but it brings me hope,
especially when accompanied by his words. "That I want you to care
for me the way I care about you. I fell for a damaged girl that had seen
the same hell that I had and experienced the depth of loss that many

can never understand. We might have been brought together by our
pain, but somewhere along the way, it all became about you. I want to
live my life showing you the things to live for and the things you can't
live without because I already know that I can't live without you. I've
tried, and it sucks."
Nodding my head, I don't answer with my mouth because I'm too busy
using it on him. Sliding my fingers around his neck as I press my lips
against his, I show him how much his words mean to me. A knock
against his darkly tinted window interrupts us.
Kane pulls back and looks into my eyes. "One day, we are going to be
somewhere where there will be no interruptions, and God help you
then, Jay." He pulls me to him one last time, kissing me deeply as his
mouth devours mine. Another knock sounds, and Kane curses.
He opens his door, gets out, and closes it behind him. Touching my lips
where his just left mine, I think to myself what the hell just happened?
He wants to be with me. Oh my God...he does care about me. My heart
rate accelerates, and I can't keep the smile from spreading across my
face. Eli opens my door.
"Time to go, Cinderella. Your prince charming is being bitched at by
the wicked stepsister, and he wants me to get you home. "
I step out of the car and turn to see Kane getting fussed out by his date.
Like a gentleman, he listens, but he spares me a wink. She stops,
turning to look at me, and then starts back at him.
Pulling me away, Eli says, "He's got that under control. He said he
would see you tomorrow. "
As we head home, I anticipate what will happen when I see him next.
All I know is that I can hardly wait.

l^lu^a V/ K W O o J i .....................4"v'9<i
The next morning, I wake early, anticipating the day. Grabbing my
phone, I look to see if I have any text messages and I do, but not from
him.
Molly - Call me. Your mom said you went out last night. Details.
:)
Rhye - You confuse the shit out of me.
Eli told me that he spoke to Rhye last night. He said Rhye looked at
him, shook his head, and walked away. I have to talk to him. I dial his
number, but without a ring, it goes to voicemail. Rolling out of bed and
wearing my shirt and shorts that I slept in, I head downstairs. Sliding
the hair tie from my wrist, I pull my hair back into a ponytail as I walk
into the kitchen.
Eli is sitting at the bar watching my mom cook pancakes, and Kane
is sitting at the breakfast table drinking coffee. Kane....is sitting...in my
kitchen... smiling at me. Holy shit. He takes my breath away. Freezing,
I take him in with his t-shirt and jeans on. I can see his arm tattoos, and
it looks like he's added a few. He looks better than ever, in fact, he
looks better because he is mine.
"See something you like?" he jokingly asks.
Looking over at my mother, I see her smiling at me. Nodding her

head towards him and giving me her blessing, she turns around. I don' t
think twice. I run to him, fling myself into his lap, and hug him tightly.
Sitting across his lap, I don't feel comfortable kissing him in front of
my mother, but I can't stop touching him, reassuring myself that he is
really here. With me.
"Yes, I see everything I've ever wanted," I whisper.
His arms tighten around me as his lips lean into mine, but I shake my
head and nod towards my mother cooking at the stove.
"Now why didn't I get a good morning greeting like that? No love, I tell
you," Eli comments.
"Get your own," Kane says, smiling.
Looking at him and not believing he's here this early, I ask, "What are
you doing here?"
"Getting ready to eat pancakes. Your mom said they're your favorite."
I shake my head at him. He knows what I' m asking.
"Well, last night I got Eli's number, and I told him to text me as soon as
he was up. I called this morning offering to bring breakfast, but your
mom said she was cooking and invited me to eat. "
I just stare at him, because he still not answering what I want to know
and what I desperately need to hear.
Shyly he grins at me, emphasizing his dimples, and my heart melts.
"You Jay, I came for you. "
One kiss, one small kiss, has to be allowable. Peeking to make sure my
mother is not looking, I press my mouth to his and quickly pull back
with his lips trailing mine. Pressing my fingers against his mouth, I let
my eyes make promises that I plan to keep.
"Jay, will you help me set the table?" my mother asks.
Kane reluctantly lets me go but not before he swipes one more kiss.
Breakfast is lively between Kane and Eli. Turns out, they have a lot in
common. Kane had taken some college courses in architectural design
and that' s something Eli is interested in. Eli is also looking ahead for a
summer job, and Kane thinks that he and Cole could possibly hire him
for their construction company.
When everyone is finished, my mother starts to clear the table

when she looks at Eli and asks, "Eli, could you give us a minute? I need
to speak to Kane and Jay alone. "
He smiles at my mom and replies, "Sure, Mrs. Stevenson."
Looking at me, he says, "Going up to get my shower."
What could my mother possibly want? Kane looks at me and shrugs his
shoulders.
Sitting down across from me, she looks at both of us. "Kane, I was so
happy this morning when you informed me that you and Jay are going
to work on things between you. Jay, my heart swelled when you
walked in and saw him. Your eyes lit up, and I can't tell you how happy
it made me to see you genuinely smile. You know, your father and I
have come to love Kane, and we support you both, but there is
something I would like each of you to promise me. "
According to the look of apprehension on her face, this can't be
good.
"Jay, yesterday you thought Kane had moved on, which you yourself
were trying to encourage. I don't want to embarrass either of you, but I
was hoping that you could wait one month before you get too serious."
She looks uncomfortable but continues, "Not emotionally, but
physically." Her face flushes as she stresses that last word.
"Mom! " I exclaim. I glance to Kane, and he looks as dumbfounded as I
feel.
"Get to really know one another since things have come to light. Jay, I
know that we have spoken about how your past has shaped how you
react emotionally and physically to relationships. I've been thinking
about it, and I believe that you need to build a strong emotional
connection to overcome some of those issues. "
When did my mother become Dear Abby or my therapist? First off, I
have a close emotional connection with Kane. I love the man he is and
how he truly cares for me. I can't help that I want to jump his luscious
bones every time I see him.
"Listen guys, you have the rest of your life to become serious. All I am
asking is for one month of not being physical. "
Oh no. No. NO! I' ve waited long enough. I may explode if I have to
wait any longer. Does my mother not understand this? I mean, look at

him, just sitting there with those sad green eyes. He looks like someone
just kicked his dog. Does she not see that he needs to be kissed, I mean,
comforted? Does my mom not see those kissable lips or hear his raspy
voice when he calls my name? Oh, and the freaking dimples. I want to
kiss each one. Every time he smiles, they wink at me. They are
speaking to me.
"Jay, are you listening to me?"
Snapping me out of my thoughts, I look at her, "No, absolutely
not! "
Kane looks happy and mortified at my outburst. I think happy is
winning though.
"Jay, it's only one month."
"Mom, I don't ever want to be an over-sharer when it comes to you, but
you really don't understand what you are asking. Kane and I have been
through hell these past six months. You really don' t understand what
you are asking us to do. "
"Ok, I'll sweeten the deal. One month of no sex..."
Slapping my hands over my ears, I yell, "Mom! Stop right now!"
Looking over at Kane, he looks sick. The color drains from his face,
and he looks like he is ready to pass out.
Oblivious to our reactions, she continues, "and your father and I will
pay for a week's vacation for you both to go anywhere you want.
Together."
"No," I say.
"Yes, Ma' am," Kane says at the same time
My mother looks from him to me. Standing, she says, "Why don't I let
you two discuss it. I'll be back shortly." Stepping away from the table
and the mass destruction she has created, she walks out of the kitchen.
Letting his head fall against the table, I hear him murmur, "I have found
the only thing worse than my mother talking to me about sex -your
mother talking to me about sex. It may have ruined me for life. "
"Why did you freaking agree?" I say, slapping his arm.
"Ow...I wanted her to quit saying the word 'sex', and I really don't think
it's going to be a choice. Plus Jay, the vacation would be awesome.
Think about us on some tropical beach somewhere. "

"Screw the tropical beach; I'd rather be in your bed today."
His pupils dilate at my words. "Jay, me too. In fact, up until five
minutes ago, that was my plan for today, but I don't know. Maybe your
mom is right. "
"No, she's not. How could you even say that? Do you not want me?" I
ask pouting.
Reaching to pull me across his lap, he stares into my eyes and says,
"One month. She said no sex, but nothing about everything in between,
and Jay, there is a lot of in-between." He kisses my lips as he speaks,
"After the trial, you're probably going to want to get away. Wouldn't it
be nice if just you and I could go somewhere...alone?"
Whimpering, I nod my head.
"Ahh...girl, we've waited this long." Dropping his voice, he says, "I'll
take care of you, Jay." He winks as he sucks my bottom lip into his
mouth, nipping at it with his teeth and soothing it with his tongue.
My nipples harden, painfully aching against the fabric of my t-shirt.
Pulling back, I see his eyes notice my obvious state of arousal, and I' m
sitting directly on his. My mother walks back in, and I jump out of his
lap and cross my arms over my chest.
Kane reaches his hand back, rubbing his neck and looking at me as he
waits for me to tell my mother what we've decided. Well, what he has
decided because screw this, I want him.
"Well?" my mother asks, looking between us. She sees my indecision,
so she adds, "It's for you, Jay. For you both."
Shaking my head, I glance at Kane, "Yeah, whatever." He stares back
at me and reaches to grasp my hand. I squeeze his fingers and let them
go before finding an exit. "I'm going to go grab a shower," I say,
walking out of the kitchen. A freezing ice-cold shower.
An hour later, I walk down to our basement and into my dad's
man-cave. My mom informed me that my boys were hanging out down
here playing pool. My dad has a huge bar, pool table, slot machines, flat
screens, and several sectional couches scattered throughout the room. I
hear the break of the balls and Kane laughing at something Eli is
saying.
When I walk in the room, Kane looks up and smiles. One month. I can
do this or die trying.

"There's my girl. Want to play pool with us?" Kane asks. Shaking my
head, I ask, "Do you care if I invite Molly and Reed over to hang out
with us?" "It's fine with me."
"Eli?" I look to him asking his opinion.
"Fine with me," he says smiling.
The guys continue to play as I text Molly.
Me - You and Reed want to come over to hang with me, Eli, and
Kane?
Molly - Kane???????? Me - K A N E:)
Molly - Be there in 30. BE READY TO SPILL. I WANT DETAILS!!!
Sitting down, I grab the remote to the stereo system and turn on some
music. Cold War Kids' "Hang Me Up to Dry" blares out of the speakers
as I watch them play pool. Over an hour later, Molly and Reed come
downstairs carrying several pizza boxes and sodas.
"We thought we would go ahead and stop for some lunch," Molly
exclaims as they lay everything down on the bar. She walks over to talk
to Eli and Kane.
Reed comes over, one-arm hugging me. "Hey girl. "
Leaning into him, I smile and reply, "Hey, Reed. "
"So, I' m assuming it' s not a Mexican stand-off anymore with you and
Kane. He's smiling, and you're in the same room."
Laughing, I nod my head. "We are going to try. "
"Good. About damn time," Reed says. "Maybe the four of us can go out
sometime before Molly and I go off to college. She' s having a hard
time with me leaving. "
Reed got into an art college up north, and Molly is going to the
University of Georgia. I can't imagine these two being separated.
We've been close since we were kids, and these two have been dating
for several years.

"It will be okay," I tell him, knowing that it won't be. One thing I know
now is that nothing stays the same. Neither of them wants to hear the
truth, and I don' t have the heart to tell it. I see Molly talking to Kane.
He smiles at her every so often, so she must be getting the low-down
from him. Looking up, he catches me staring and nods for me to join to
him.
Walking past Reed, I squeeze his arm and head towards Kane. He looks
at me like he's waited his entire life to have me with him. When he
gazes at me like that, everything else washes away -- the room, my
friends, my fears, and all doubts. It all becomes clear where I should be
and who I should be with.
Kane props his pool stick against the wall and opens his arms as I move
into them. Burying my face into his chest, I turn my head to the side
and look to Molly. "Mine," I mouth to her with a wink.
She bursts out laughing. "I've been trying to tell you that, Jay."
The afternoon passes with us all hanging out, talking, and eating. Kane
and I act like a couple. We always find a way to touch, and we never
miss a kiss when passing by one another. Even though my friends are
younger than his twenty-three years, he gets along with them and
enjoys their company.
After they all leave, Kane and I sit downstairs watching some old scary
movie. He leans into the couch cushion with his feet propped up and
me lounging against him. He drapes his arm over the back of the couch
as he plays with my hair, twirling it between his fingers.
"Jay, are you going to testify against him?"
Kane hasn't spoken to me about the trial until today.
"Your dad told me that you refuse to. He also said that the D.A.
believes he doesn't have a case without you."
I stiffen, not wanting to talk about it. "Drop it, Kane."
"You know, I'll be there if you will let me."
Sitting up, I turn to look at him, "And you'll what? Listen to all the
details? Watch him as he watches me sit on that stand, reliving painful
secrets that won't change no matter who I tell?"
"He needs to pay for what he has done. For all the pain he has caused
you and others. "

"What about what I want, Kane? I want it to just go away. Too many
have already paid the price. So whether he goes to jail or not, I still
have to live with it. The memories won't magically wash away because
a judge says 'guilty'. The media is going to have a field day. They
already are. Trust me. I've already been told how much of a high profile
case this
is."
"Jay, I just want you to be able to put this behind us."
"And that's what I am trying to do, Kane." Standing up, I walk away.
He sighs and throws his head back.
Walking up the stairs, I head into the kitchen. My mother is cooking
dinner.
"Where's Kane?
"Downstairs." Opening the fridge, I grab a bottle of water and walk
over to sit at the table.
"Are you still mad about this morning?" she asks shyly.
"Let's see, Mom? My mother propositions me and my date to not have
sex with a bribe for a week's paid vacation. Yes, I would safely say that
I' m completely embarrassed. Not to mention how Kane feels. Couldn't
you have discussed this in private with me first?"
"Jay, I panicked. I know how you truly feel about Kane, and I didn' t
want you to mess it up by rushing into an intimate relationship. You
both need time to discover things about each other. I want this to last
for you, if that's what you want. And as far at the vacation, it wasn't a
bribe."
Cutting my eyes towards her, I say, "It was a bribe."
Sighing, she says, "Okay, it was a small bribe, but in my defense, your
father and I were going to give you a trip for getting your high school
diploma anyway. We already asked Molly if she wanted to go, but she
can't travel anywhere this summer because of her internship. We didn' t
want you to go by yourself, so we discussed that if you and Kane
worked things out, we would be okay with you going with him. You
make it sound so sordid. "
"It was sordid... and creepy."
"You're so overly dramatic. I know you are going to have sex." "Mom,
STOP IT! " I yell, slamming my water bottle down as the

clear fluid splashes all over the table.
"I just want it to be about a desire of the heart and not a meaningless
void you think you need to fill" she says, wiping up the water.
"Mom, I care for him deeply. Don't worry." She starts to speak, but I
hold up my hand to silence her. "I will do as you ask for one month, but
cut me a little slack around here. "
"Fair enough," she replies.
Kane joins me in the kitchen, not saying anything about our argument.
We all have dinner, and the day's eventful conversation isn't invited.
Afterwards, my mom rents a new action movie and we watch it
together. My dad comes home, catching the end of the movie. Once it' s
over, I excuse myself to go to the restroom. When I return, my dad and
Kane are discussing the upcoming baseball season. I can tell my dad
really likes him. How different my life is from a year ago. I have a life
and many reasons to live it.
My mother yawns as she stands up and grabs my father's hand, pulling
him with her, "Night, kiddos." She leans down, kisses my cheek and
then Kane' s.
"Night," we both say.
Alone at last, we turn to face each other on the couch. Bringing the
back of my hand up, I rub it across the stubble on his cheek. His eyes
slowly close as he leans into my touch. I pat his cheek hard twice, and
his eyes pop open.
"Ow...what was that for?"
Smiling, I answer, "Love taps."
"Oh really," he says before grabbing my waist and pushing me back
against the couch. Coming over me, he reaches under my shirt and
tickles my ribs, making my shake with laughter as I struggle to push
him away.
He finally stops and stares down into my eyes. Slowly, his mouth
lowers. His lips brush against mine, drift to the tip of my nose, slide
over my eyelids, and fall back to my mouth. Still grasping my waist, his
fingers press deep into my flesh.
"Can I take you out to dinner on Valentine's Day?" he asks

between light kisses. "Yes."
"I' m going to go before I do something incredibly stupid like make-out
with you on your parents' couch. "
Nodding my head, I really want to say that I don't care, but I don't even
want to even think about my dad catching us. He stands up and kisses
me one more time on the lips.
"I'll call you tomorrow. Okay?"
I just stare at his lips, hoping tomorrow gets here soon. With a laugh, he
leaves. He knows he has me.

OWpv^ff T w e lv e
On the day before Valentine' s Day, I take my morning run before
getting ready for class. I am really enjoying the college courses, and I'
m looking forward to picking up a full schedule next semester. After
that, my core classes will be complete and I' ll have to decide where to
go from there. I have a future of endless possibilities, and I' m starting
to like deciding which path to choose. It' s exciting, especially with
paths that lead me to Kane. We mercifully tease each other, but we
never go past first base, right now at least. We are relearning all there is
to know about one another. It' s stimulating to take my time and
actually get to know his body and him mine without feeling like we
have to rush our explorations.
As I run, my pulse races just thinking about him. Placing my fingers to
my neck to check my heart rate, I suddenly have the sense of being
watched again. Turning down my street, I see the unmarked police car
at the stop sign. Agent Morris rolls down the window and motions me
over.
"Good Morning, Jay. I was hoping I would catch you before class. "
She smiles at me.
"Oh? why?"

"Can you take a drive with me, Jay?"
Looking down at my jogging clothes, I reply, "I' m really not dressed to
go anywhere. "
"You' re fine. Get in. We are just going to take a short drive," she
says.
Going around the car, I slip into the passenger seat and click my
seatbelt in as she drives off. I send my mother a text message letting her
know where I am so she doesn't worry.
"Where are we going?"
"Jay, in little over a month, your case is going to trial. We have scoured
hundreds of phone records, spoken to over two hundred people at your
school, and followed every lead reported to no avail. District Attorney
Reeves and I have believed your story from the beginning. We know
that your testimony rings true, but without it, our case fails. We fail
without a conviction. "
Looking out the window, I watch familiar landmarks pass by. Turning
onto one of the main roads, I know where this road trip is leading us.
I've taken the long way around and used back roads to detour myself
from ever coming this way. The anxiety climbs up my chest, gripping
my heart and stomach. I am overcome by nausea. Ahead, I see the
four-way intersection where JT died. I don't know if I'm ready for this.
Why did she bring me here?
Gripping the door handle tightly, I struggle to control my breathing.
She pulls to the side of the road by the field -- the field where I found
his body and where Cal had lain, fighting for his life. As I stare out the
windshield, my mind flashes back to that night. I remember the empty
vehicles; I can still see the tangled heap of metal on the side of the road,
bent, twisted, and unrecognizable. People crying. Screaming. The
sirens blaring in the distance. It's all so clear. It's all so fresh.
My stomach churns because I remember the suffocating smell of
gasoline rising from the pavement. Pushing the door open, I get out and
fall to my knees, retching. I remember seeing the blood poor from the
man inside the dump truck, and I remember the relief I felt that it wasn'
t
JT.
"Jay?" Agent Morris's voice calls to me, snapping me out of the

past.
Holding my hand up to stop her from talking, I shake my head. My
voice is hoarse as I ask, "Why did you bring me here?"
"The sequence of events that happened that night was a direct result of
Bruce Branch. So many lives affected: students who can' t get over
what they saw that night and families who lost loved ones because of
the tragedy. Not just JT's. The driver of the other vehicle had a family
with small children. A young man will never walk again." She pauses,
taking a breath, "And then we come to you. You, and only you, hold the
key to have justice served for all of them, but most all, for yourself.
What are your fears, Jay? Talk to me. "
Shaking my head, I stand and stumble as I make my way to the small
clearing. It's still early, and a light fog drifts low, blanketing the
ground. Cars drive by, and the hum of their motors fades into the
background. Dropping to my knees, I look around. I remember Reed' s
tear-stained face as he tried to usher me away from the sight of JT' s
lifeless eyes. I dig my fingernails into the damp earth, feeling the cool
soil on my hands. I'm still here. I'm alive, and I'm glad. I'm thankful I
didn' t die.
"Jay, are you okay?"
Looking up at her, I sarcastically ask, "Do I look okay?"
I make my way back to the car, open the passenger door, and slide in.
She slips in and starts the car to drive away.
"We all have choices to make. Sometimes we make them for ourselves,
and sometime we sacrifice for the greater good. Nobody can make you
testify. "
"Well you sure as hell are trying," I snap at her, looking out the
window.
We say nothing on the drive back to my house. As soon as she stops the
car in my driveway, I open the door to get out.
"Jay, if he doesn't go to jail, I'm worried about you. Watch yourself."
I turn to her with a million questions in my mind, but she doesn' t say
anything else. I shake my head in disgust. Her scare tactics aren' t going
to work. Walking inside, I run up to my bathroom and turn on the

shower. Stripping my clothes off, I walk into the hot spray and let the
water warm me from the outside in. I look at my dirt-stained hands as
the water washes them clean. The red clay drips to the shower floor as I
scrub the residue from underneath my finger nails.
Standing under the hot stream, I close my eyes and envision myself in a
courtroom. I' m sitting on the stand, staring at him and his smiling face
because he loves what he has done to me. He's always loved looking at
me, and knowing our secret gets him off. I saw it then, and it would be
no different that day. He's already claimed his prize and stripped me of
mine. They'll ask me to explain what happened and want to know about
every moment in anguishing detail, ripping me open and leaving me
bleeding and bare. No, I can't. I'm moving on, living, letting the dead
die, and the open wounds mend. Everyone will have to understand. I
wash my hair, turn off the water, and step out.
I hear my cell phone ring as I'm getting dressed. Picking it up, I see that
it's Kane.
"Hey you," I answer with a smile in my voice.
"Hey baby. Can we do dinner tonight? Cole wants to take my mom out
tomorrow night for Valentine' s. "
"Sure. What time should I be ready?"
"Be ready at six, and wear something sexy. There is a new place
downtown that I want to take you. "
"I'll be ready," I say in a sultry voice. He laughs, "So will I."
I laugh with him then hit disconnect. I can't help myself, and I send him
a text.
Me - Just remember who agreed to the one month. Kane - Damn:(
Me -1 won't tell if you won't. It could be our little secret. Shhh....
Kane - Hot Damn :)
Kane - Shit...I couldn't do that to your mom. I have a guilty face. Me
- What exactly does "in between" mean? Kane - 1

st

to 3

rd

base

rd
Me - Well then, I'll make sure to wear a 3 base outfit then and

throw something on for a possible steal to home. Kane - You are
going to get me into trouble......
I actually make it to class on time, and the rest of the day is drama-free.
I've made friends with a girl in my course who graduated from Jackson
Heights last year. We talk about our Valentine's Day plans and
schedule to have lunch together next week.
After class, I go shopping for a new dress and shoes. Driving by my
hairdresser's, I make an impulse decision to stop, hoping she can work
me in. I' m in luck, and she gives me mini make over. My new outside
matches the girl emerging from within. Several hours later, I walk out
with my hair about five inches shorter. It still falls below my shoulders,
but it now sports a trendy ombre look. My roots remain my natural dark
hue, but the color fades toward the ends. Thick curls cascade around
my face and down my back.
When I arrive home, I rush upstairs to get ready. My mini dress is a
dark forest green high neck halter that has a deep V cut in the back. The
skirt is banded, and I scrunch it up to hit about mid-thigh. My shoes are
a pair of black satin Pinup Couture pumps with a four and a half inch
heel and large satin bow at the back. The dress is ultra-sexy, and the
shoes are too cute. It's a perfect pairing for my sweet and sexy look. I
feel good, and a little bad.
Reaching for the silver locket he gave me, I think about putting it on
but decide that I want Kane next to my heart tonight. This evening is all
about us. Smiling to myself, I turn to go downstairs. As I step off the
last step into the foyer, I hear a whistle. Turning, I see he's already
arrived. He has on black jeans, a white t-shirt, and a fitted black jacket.
He's beautifully lethal to my heart. I have no will power when he looks
like he does. Need is a stubborn, living, and breathing monster that
rises within me.
Sucking in my breath, I make a decision for me and for him. Holding
my hand up indicating that he should freeze, I turn on my heel and walk
towards the sunroom where my mother is reading. She looks up from
her book when I walk in, and a smile illuminates her face.

"You are beautiful, Jay."
I stop to stand in front of her. "Thanks Mom, but we need to talk."
Sitting down, I grasp her hand, "I am eighteen, almost nineteen, and an
adult. I have survived hell, and I am about to have to walk further into it
with this trial. I' m trying my best for me and for you and daddy.
Tonight," I pause, swallow, and start again, "I need tonight." I don't
want to talk about this with my mother, at all, but I need her to
understand, and I don't want to break her trust.
Taking another deep breath, I start again, "Kane and I made promises to
you, but..." I don't know how to continue. How do you tell your mother
that you're about to combust from all the sexual tension? This is so
embarrassing. We should have just done it. Standing up, I don' t want to
continue this conversation, but she grabs my hand.
I see her eyes filled with mirth. She is choking back laughter, barely
able to say, "Wait Jay, don't leave. Ah, to be young again." She regains
her composure before continuing, "I made you both make that promise
for you, wanting you to not rush, but I see you growing stronger
mentally every day. Your father and I are so proud of how far you have
come. I watch how you and Kane are together, and yes, you can't help
but feel the heat between you both. "
"Mom...," I threaten.
"Sorry, I'm still a woman. I'm not giving you my permission. You never
needed that, but I'll say have a nice night and just text me to let me
know where you are. Sound fair?"
Leaning down to kiss her cheek, I smile and wink back, "Fair enough."
I walk back to the foyer where Kane is lounging against the wall.
Marching directly up to him, I don't stop until my body merges with
his. Our tongues entwine, and his breath is mine. I run my hand up over
his head, loving the soft feel of his buzzed hair. I desperately want my
hands all over him and his all over me, not stopping until both of us are
satisfied entirely.
Pulling back, he asks, "Where did you go?"
Grinning back at him, I lean my mouth to his and whisper, "To undo
our deal with the devil. Happy Valentine's Day."

The green of his eyes glows with intensity. Putting his mouth to mine,
he nips at my lips, wanting entrance. Laughing, my body warms, not
just with lust but with happiness. I'm happy. I kiss him while I smile.
"What's that about?"
"You make me happy. You make me want to live for me, to have this
forever. To have you forever. "
"God girl, you make me so damn happy. I've waited," he shakes his
head, grabbing my arms and pulling me closer, "too long to hear you
say that." Kissing me deep, he pulls back looking around. "Let's get out
of here. We have dinner reservations. "
Oh, hell no. I don't want to eat, well, unless he is the main course or at
least dessert. He grabs my jacket off the foyer table, puts it on me, and
carries my purse to the car. Opening my door, he helps me in and goes
around to his side. Once in, he leans over and catches my mouth with
his. Moving back, he stares into my eyes as if he's looking for
something. I can tell the moment he finds it, because he smiles and runs
his thumb over my lips.
"You look perfect tonight."
He turns on the radio and backs out of the driveway. Ron Pope's "A
Drop in the Ocean" plays loudly. He reaches for my hand, locking them
together before bringing them to his mouth and kissing the back of
mine.
Once the song ends, I turn the volume down and say, "Let's go to your
house. I'm not hungry for food."
He grins and glances at me. "We are, but first, food." I start to
complain, but he cuts me off.
"There is a reason for that, Jay. Cole is going out for the night, but he
isn't leaving until later. Let's give him time to clear out."
Pouting, I look away but clearly hear him chuckle.
"I like when you pout for me. It's sexy as hell."
Arriving at the restaurant, the valet opens my door and I step out.
Coming around the car, Kane reaches for my hand, and I smile up at
him.
"Damn, I love your smiles."
Leaning up, I kiss his lips, and together, we turn to walk into the

restaurant. Either the food is really good or everyone is celebrating
Valentine's early because the place is packed. Kane gives the hostess
his name, and she leaves to check our reservation. He stands behind
me, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.
When the hostess returns, she asks us to follow her. Kane reaches down
for my hand, guiding me as we walk to our table. I look around,
checking out the decor of the new restaurant when I suddenly stop,
yanking Kane back with me. Across the restaurant sits Bruce Branch
and his wife. They have both already spotted me. He leans comfortably
back in his chair, almost daring me to come closer. He turns to his wife,
and my gaze follows. The malicious intent on her face makes me
stumble back. Where he looks the same, she looks frail. I don't think I
would have even recognized her if she wouldn't have been with him. I
don't want to cause a scene.
"What is it, Jay?"
"We have to leave. Now." I start tugging on his hands, trying to pull
him the way we just came, but he refuses.
"I don't understand," he starts to say looking around and spotting him. I
was hoping he wouldn't remember him, but obviously he does. "That
fucking bastard," he starts towards him.
NOT AGAIN! My whole body screams as I grab his arms to stop
him.
"What the fuck are you smiling about? " Kane yells to him in front of
the entire restaurant. "You are piece of shit," he says pointing at him.
By this time, we have drawn a crowd of onlookers. A large man in a
black suit comes up to us and asks Kane to leave. Kane looks at him
and says, "Do you know what trash you are serving here? Fucking
rapist. "
I wince at his words and give up because this is one battle I've already
fought and lost. Letting go of him, I turn and run out of the building, not
caring if he follows me or not. I bust through the front doors and look
rapidly left and right. I don' t know where to go, and I don' t care. I just
need to go. My shoes violently slap the pavement. With my feet aching,
I slow down.
"Jay, slow down." I hear him yell behind me. "Jay, stop."
I don' t turn around. I listen to the pound of his feet on the ground

as he catches up to me. Feeling his hands on my shoulders, I shrug
away and keep walking.
"Stop, please. I lost my head." He comes to stand in front of me,
blocking my way.
I don' t look at his face as he pleads with me.
"He should be the one to leave, Jay. All we needed to do was tell the
owner and make him leave. "
He doesn't even know what he is talking about. Stopping, I place my
hands on my hips and stare up at him. "That's not how it works, Kane.
Legally, it's my responsibility to leave."
He mimics my stance, asking, "What do you mean it's your
responsibility to leave?"
"It's the type of bond that he is out on. If he's out somewhere, I have to
leave and vice-versa. Other than that, he can't have contact with me.
He's innocent until proven guilty." A sharp pain stabs my stomach as I
say those last words.
"That's bullshit! Did you not see the way he was smiling at you? He
knows doesn't he? He knows you are not going to testify, and the smug
bastard knows he is getting away with this shit." Raising his hands, he
rubs the back of his head as he walks in circles. Stopping, he looks at
me and asks, "Has this happened before?"
I don't want to answer him because I don't want to lie; however, my
silence speaks for me.
"Damn." His eyes shine a little crazed as he asks, "He's talked to you,
hasn't he?"
At first, I don't say anything, but then I answer, "It was nothing."
"Do you not see how fucked up this is? So he gets to have dinner with
his wife, and the young girl he completely destroyed has to leave, " he
says, banging his fist against his other hand.
"Legally, it was my responsibility to leave."
"Well, that says a lot about our judicial system." Shaking his head, he
turns to me with a look of defeat in his eyes. "How can you just allow
him to walk away? Don't you want him to suffer for what he did? For
everything he has caused? I just don't understand how you can sit back
and not fight. You are letting him win." He turns away, but I still hear
his

last words. "I don't know if I can handle this." "You don't have to," I
say.
"Look at me, Jay," he says spinning me around. "You have to fight.
You can't allow him to sit there and smile, knowing he has won. You
can only pretend for so long until shit like this pops up. What about
when he's free and he doesn't have to leave wherever you are at? Are
you going to spend your life walking away?" Pausing, he looks deep
into my eyes, "It will eventually ruin you, me, and everything. "
We stare at each other for several minutes.
"Come on. It's freezing out here" he says, reaching for my hand.
I pull back, unsure how to respond and not wanting to. I want to tell
him that I'll find my own way home, but I left my purse in his car. I
have to let him drive me back. As we near the restaurant, his car is
waiting in the main drive. He must have requested it before coming
after me.
Once we are back on the road, he asks me, "Do you want to come back
to my house? I have something I want to give you. "
Not looking at him, I shake my head. I want to go home. My head and
heart hurt. Just when we get to a place of happiness, we are pulled back.
It's almost like our relationship is doomed. I don't understand how to
make anyone see how painful testifying would be for me. They act like
it's nothing, but it's everything. It's an accumulation of the shame and
power he has had over me for the last two years. People want to talk
about it being "the right thing to do", but what about the right thing for
me? Can't one damn person just think about me for a change?
When we are almost to my house, he finally speaks, "I'm sorry I lost it
like that in the restaurant. That was unfair to you. I didn't think about
how it would make you feel until now. I' m sorry, Jay. I didn' t mean
what I said. I lost it. "
Looking out the window, I hear him, but tonight, I just want to get into
my own bed and be by myself.
When he pulls into the driveway, I start to open the door when he says,
"Stop. Please don't get out of the car mad. Tonight wasn't supposed to
end like this. I fucked up. "
"Kane, I need some space tonight," I say as I get out, not looking

back.
He doesn't get out to stop me, and that is probably for the best. We both
need time to cool down. I need time to let the sting of his words settle in
my soul. I need the burn to stop. Walking into the house, my mom
comes into the foyer as I shut the door behind me.
"Well, I didn't expect you.... What's wrong, Jay?" She rushes forward,
wrapping her arms around me, and I let my anguish go.
Laying my head on her shoulder, I tell her what happened as I bawl my
eyes out. After I finish, she pulls me into the living room to the couch.
"He loves you, Jay, but you have to remember that he is human too. We
all are. If I ran into that bastard, I would probably lose it also. "
"Nobody thinks about how testifying will affect me," I whine.
"Have you thought about how not testifying will affect you? " my
mother softly asks.
I think about what she is asking, and maybe she is right, but right now,
I just want go to bed. Leaning over I hug her saying, "Thanks for
listening."
"Anytime, Jay. Oh, remember that I'm leaving early tomorrow to take
your grandmother to have her foot surgery. "
I forgot all about my mother telling me that. "Do you need me to go
with you?"
She shakes her head, "No, it's outpatient. I'll be back tomorrow
evening. Love you, Jay. "
I kiss her cheek and say, "Love you, too. "
Heading up to bed, I disrobe and fling myself across my bed. I don' t
want to think about anything. I try to force myself to sleep, but slumber
eludes me.

^ri&v\d4 till V t a &*vi.....i t fill w & c & fo v &
My mind raced all night long with thoughts of Kane. Last night was the
second time that a date has ended because of my past. He must really
care for me, and God, I love him with everything I am. I don' t know
why he puts up with me and all my shit. I need to talk to him and let him
know he is right about everything.
The ringing of my phone startles me, but instantly, I hope its Kane.
Reaching for it, I answer without looking at the I.D.
"Hey. " I answer.
"Jay, listen I don' t have long. I need your help," Rhye says on the other
end of the line. I haven't heard from him since the night at the club. He's
been ignoring my calls.
"What's up, Rhye?"
"I need you to see if your parents are flying out to L.A. today. I've got a
contact that can get The Mavs into a music showcase tonight, but we
need to get there with our own equipment. " He pauses, clearing his
voice, "For free. "
"That's awesome. Let me call my dad. No promises, Rhye."
"I would owe you."
"Let me call you right back. Bye."
"Jay, thanks for just asking."
Hanging up, I dial my dad's number, and he answers on the first

ring.
"Is everything okay?" he asks.
Why does everyone assume something is wrong when I call?
"Everything is fine. I need a favor. "
"Okay, what is it?"
"I need to charter a plane to L.A. today." "For who?" he sounds pretty
annoyed. "For me." "What's in L.A.?"
"I have a group of friends that need to get there today, Dad. Can you
help me?"
"Who, Jay?" His tone indicates this question is not an option. Sighing, I
really don' t want to tell him who. I think he knows just enough about
Rhye to be leery, but I'm not lying to him either. "I' m only going to ask
one more time. Who Jay?" "Rhye and his band. "
"No, absolutely not. First off, you need to stay away from him, and
second, I don't trust him or his buddies in one of my planes."
"Dad, I'll hire someone else if you don't do it. So, if you don't have any
charters available, let me know." He doesn't say anything. "Dad, I owe
him. "
My father stays quiet a second longer before replying, "Do you know
how much the price of the fuel alone would cost?"
"No, and I don' t care. " My dad' s sister left me money years back. "I' m
not asking you to do it for free. You know I can afford it. "
"And I'm not asking you to pay. What I'm trying to establish is.., ah
hell, Jay. Hold on. "
I hear him speaking to someone in the background. Finally, he comes
back on the line. "Okay, here's the deal. Take it or leave it. The only
charter I have left for today is the Hawker 700, which you know is my
baby. I have a meeting I can't miss this evening, and your mother is at
the hospital with your grandmother. So the only citation single pilot I
have left is Charles. He can't charter the plane and watch your friends to
make sure they don't destroy the cabin. So, that leaves me only one
choice. You are going with them. You fly out with them, and when they

are finished tonight, you fly back, making sure that my jet looks the
same as when it left. Got it?"
"Yes," I answer surprised at my dad's idea. "How early can we fly out?
They need to be there this evening. "
"Be here in an hour," he says in a huff. "And Jay, be careful.
Okay?"
"Okay. Love you, Dad." "Love you."
Hanging up, I' m a little excited but dreading calling Kane. After the
night at the bar and Rhye's serenade, he can't even stand to hear his
name. But following last night's events, it would be nice to get away for
a day. I could do some shopping and sight-seeing while waiting on
Rhye. Oh, I forgot about Rhye; I need to call him.
He answers on the first ring. "I need some good news."
"Yes, get everybody together and meet me at the hanger in one hour.
We are flying back as soon as it's over. Is that okay?"
"YES! Awesome. Thanks Jay. I will owe you."
"Let's just call us... even," I say.
He doesn't say anything at first, but the words come soon enough.
"Yeah, I'll see you in an hour."
Getting off the phone, I jump in the shower and hurry to get out. I throw
on some jeans, a red shirt with matching scarf, and my leather boots.
Brushing my hair out, I pull it back and throw on some light makeup. I
pack a light bag just in case, tossing in my iPad so that I can catch up on
some reading.
Rushing out, I make it with about ten minutes to spare. Rhye and his
band mates are not here yet, so I wait. I say hello to the pilot and go
over the itinerary. My Dad has already left for his meeting, so I'm
spared of him talking more about Rhye. Holding my phone in my hand,
I know I need to call Kane, but I've already committed to this, and he is
going to be pissed. After debating it, I dial his number. I want this
relationship to work, and acting like a child will not help anything.
"I was wondering if you would call," he answers.
"I'm sorry, Kane." I want to get it out of the way. I wish I would have
said it last night so I could have been with him. I've wasted too

much of my life already.
"Kane?" I question after his silence lasts longer than I expected.
"Give me a second. I wasn't ready for that. Listen, I'm the one that
should be sorry. Pushing you, acting like that, the same as...," he
doesn't finish, but I know he's talking about JT.
"No, you're right. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll think about
testifying."
"Jay, can I come over or even better, can you come here?"
I love the sound of his hoarse voice and the scratchy low tone when he
says my name. Remembering why I am calling, I need to get this over
with. "I can't. I mean, I can come over, but it might be late."
Sighing, he says, "Are you going to tell me? I can already tell by the
tone of your voice that I' m not going to like it. Am I?"
"No, you're not, but I called anyway because I want us to work. So
think about that before you get upset at where I am and what I'm doing.
Just know that I coming home to you. "
"Jaaaayyyy," he says, drawing out my name. "Are you safe, and do
your parents know where you are?"
Maybe it was a blessing that my dad said what he did because I
honestly answer, "It was my father's idea."
"Okay, come home to me tonight."
"Well, it might be more like morning."
I hear him breathing, deeper than normal. "Where are you?"
Sighing, I hesitate before saying, "Getting on a jet to Los Angeles."
"Tell me what I' m supposed to say or do? You make my head spin. I
don't know where I stand with you, Jay."
"Just don't give up on me," I say with meaning.
"You've always made it so damn hard to be with, but here I am, still
here. Still waiting on you. "
The pilot is motioning me over, so I reply, "Please wait a little longer.
Look, I've got to go. I'll call you when we touchdown in L.A."
"Call me," he says disconnecting.
Well, that went a lot better than I expected. Of course, he still doesn't
realize who I'm going with. Walking over to see why I'm needed, I look
down at my watch and realize that it's almost time, and

Rhye is still not here.
Minutes before we are supposed to leave, I see Chris's van pull into the
parking lot. The guys get out, opening the back to grab their equipment
and bags. Rhye begins walking my way his guitar case in hand. My
stomach clenches with need. What the hell? Why does he affect me like
this, this instant attraction? There is a reason. I've done this. I put him
through Hell, and he still stood by me. He does know me like no other,
but it's not forever I want with him, and using him for a "right now"
would only destroy us both.
Smiling, I wave at them and say, "Hey guys. We can go ahead and
board." Walking up the steps, I enter the mid-sized jet and slightly duck
my head as I step inside the cabin. Once in, I walk towards the back and
grab a seat. All the members of Rhye's band talk to me and thank me for
the transportation while settling in themselves. Rhye grabs a seat across
from me, looking at me the entire time.
"I can't believe you pulled this off," he says shaking his head.
"Well, some things I can give you," I say looking into his eyes. I want
to be straight with him. I finish saying, "and some I never was going to
be able to. "
Nodding his head, he looks away and says, "That's what I was afraid
you were going to say." I see him put his Beats headphones on and turn
his music up. He closes his eyes as he leans back into the leather seat.
After take-off, I settle back and grab my iPad to keep me occupied. My
eyes keep floating over to Rhye, but he's either sleeping or ignoring me.
Probably both. The other band members talk amongst themselves, not
looking back at us. I put in my ear buds, and turn my music on.
Florence and The Machine takes my thoughts away.
Half-way through our flight, my neck feels a little stiff so I turn my
head to stretch when I see Rhye staring at me. His brown eyes are
squinted, looking for something. His headphones rest around his neck
while he's stretched back in his seat, and his hands are folded on his lap.
"You know what I finally realized?"
I hear his question through the music, but I pull out my ear buds
anyway. I look to see his band members sleeping, so I turn back to him

and ask, "What?"
"In my head, we work, but in real life we are so damn dysfunctional.
You're like my drug of choice, and like any drug, you're so fucking bad
for me. You mess with my head, but the worst part is that I let you, so I
must like it."
"I'm sorry, Rhye. Everything is so mixed up for me. I'm trying to live
this life, but I fall back on old habits. I wish you would move on. "
He lets out a sarcastic little laugh. "Shit, well, if wishes were pennies,
Jay." Still staring at me, he asks, "How did you talk your dad into
getting us the free ride? I don't see anyone else, so it must have been
chartered just for us. "
For some reason, I don't want to answer him, so I look away. Placing
everything back into my bag, I busy myself to avoid responding.
Another bitter laugh sounds from his mouth. "Oh, I get it. Is this my
going away present? So when you tell me to kiss off, I'll have to be
grateful?"
Not denying his words, I allow my eyes to travel back to his. I chew on
my lip, letting my nerves get to me. The truth is that he gets to me too. I
want to be committed to Kane, but Rhye sitting in front of me, is almost
more than I can bear.
His stare goes to my bottom lip as I worry it with my teeth, and he
utters, "Fuck me. Can you please quit doing that? " Placing his head
into his hands, he rubs them over his hair and blows out. "Why do your
eyes lie, Jay? They promise me pleasure, but they only ever bring me
pain," he says, standing up in the aisle and walking to the lavatory.
This is crazy. How can I keep hurting the two guys in my life that have
done nothing but care about me? It's like I can't stop, and I can't stay
away. I thought I was helping Rhye today by setting this up, but he' s
right. It was guilt from me knowing I can't give him what he wants. It's
the same thing I want, but I can't have. It would cost me Kane. There.
That's the truth. I want them both, but I want Kane more. Rhye is right
though; even if Kane wasn't in my life, we would still be bad for each
other. We'd burn each other out with lust and then have nothing at all.
The door to the bathroom opens, and Rhye comes out. Walking back,
his eyes never leave mine, and I can't tear mine from his. Sitting

back down, he looks weary and hurt.
"It's crazy when we're not together how much you stay with me, and
how much it hurts me when I'm finally with you." Looking at me with a
tear in his eye, he says, "I don't want to hate you. I don't know if I even
can. You're under my skin, in my blood, and your pain cemented
that."
His words break me, tearing at my soul, and I'm not sure what to say.
Tears spring to my eyes, and I don't hold them back. A part of me wants
him to know the effect he has on me. Leaning forward in his seat, he
reaches over and wipes the tears from my face.
"Do you love him? Is he what you need, Jay?"
Through my tears, I softly answer, "Yes."
With one final look, he nods his head and sits back in his chair. Placing
his headset back on, he turns his head away from me and never looks
back.

\ trUk. V v* w%vm4 ^MVIftla owi VV

A

pciivv M ^nô. Wt" n*. it"

4»
As the plane descends into L.A., you can feel excitement come over the
band. I listen as they talk about the importance of their performance.
Rhye still hasn't spoken to me, but he converses with everyone else.
Once we land, I see him texting someone. The pilot comes back,
pulling me away to tell me that my dad thought ahead and has a limo
waiting for us. I hadn' t thought about transportation once we arrived. I
thank him.
"Excuse me guys," I say as the band turns to me. "I just found out that
my dad has arranged a car. I can drop you guys off where ever you need
to."
They all look at Rhye, waiting for his response.
Rhye finally looks at me and answers, "I just texted a friend. He is
going to try and come meet us. "
Chris looks at him, saying, "Dude, he could be hours getting here. We
need to get there and get set up. Let's just go with Jay."
Rhye doesn't look happy, but nods his head, "Yeah, hell." He looks
frustrated. "If you can drop us off, that would be great."
I nod my head, but my heart is completely shredded. The guys grab
their equipment, and I follow behind as we disembark from the plane.
As

we load into the waiting Hummer limo, I make a mental note to send
my dad a text of thanks. Secretly glancing towards Rhye, I can't help
but notice that I sit on one end, and he is on the other. He's pushing me
away, and I need to let it happen.
When we arrive, the guys exit the limo. Looking at Rhye, I say, "Text
me when you're finished, and the car will be waiting out front."
"Where are you going?"
"Sight-seeing and shopping." I try to keep my voice light, freeing it of
emotion.
Sighing, he looks over his shoulder out the door and back again, asking,
"Why don't you come back around seven when we go on stage? I' ll
leave your name at the door. "
Can I watch him play without it tearing my soul out? I don't think so, so
I answer while looking down at my feet. "That's okay. I'll just send the
car back when you're ready."
"Look at me, Jay. Please be here to watch us play. It would be nice for
the guys to know someone is supporting us. "
He doesn't mention that he wants me there, but the look on his face
does.
"Ok, I'll come back."
He nods, grabs his guitar case, and closes the door behind him when he
gets out. Bringing my fingers to my head, I rub my temples, trying to
ease the onset of a headache. I direct the driver to take me somewhere
to shop and sit back. Grabbing my phone, I call Kane. It rings several
times before going to voicemail. Hanging up without leaving a
message, I send him a text.
Me - Hey...arrived safe and sound. Call me later. :)
Why do I do this to myself and the people I care about? Constantly
putting myself into positions where someone or everyone gets hurt
seems to be a trend. I think I must love the pain that it brings. Is it
something that is broken inside me? It doesn't seem fair that, here I am
years later, still hurting and suffering.

The driver drops me off somewhere along Rodeo Drive. As I glance up
and down the street, my phone rings. I answer it without looking to see
who it is, "Hello. "
"Believe it or not, before I met you, I was carefree. I didn't let things get
to me, especially women, but Jay, you're not like any woman I' ve met
before. I' m trying to remember that as I sit here, thinking yet again,
why do I put up with this shit?"
He knows who I am with, I can tell by the tone of his voice.
"Who told you?"
"Not you," he says angrily.
He has every right to be upset. Eventually, he is going to stop putting
up with my bullshit. Hopefully today is not that day.
"I knew I could help him out. I was feeling guilty for leading him on,
knowing that it was you that I wanted from the beginning. It's not what
you think, and he knows, now, that you are the only one I want in my
life. "
"Oh, so NOW he knows. Well, we've been here before. What does that
mean, Jay?"
People walk past me on the sidewalk, so I move to the side and into the
shade of one of the shops. "Kane, I want you, and here I go again,
messing things up in my life by coming here without thinking it over. "
Sighing, he says, "Text me before you leave, and I'll be waiting when
you get back. "
Sighing, I say, "Yeah, okay. Bye. "
"Come home tonight, Jay. Bye. "
Shaking my head as we hang up, I can only speculate how that reunion
is going to go. Happy Valentine's Day to me. Deciding to drown my
sorrows in retail therapy, I hit the first shop I come to, Agent
Provocateur. I pick up some sexy panties and matching demi bras.
Moving onto Bebe, I find the perfect silver sequined shift dress with a
round neck and short sleeves. My personal shopper is able to find an
anklet pump that coordinates perfectly. Changing in the back, I don my
new outfit and slip into my new lingerie for Kane later. I let my hair
down and apply light makeup.
I call the driver to pick me up, and we head back to the music

showcase venue. Giving my name at the front, I skip the lines and head
into the large room. The walls are draped in black fabric, and tables are
scattered throughout. A large stage sits at the front, laden with
equipment. People are starting to file in, so I grab a seat and wait. I
converse only with the waitress when she takes my drink order.
Once the room seems full, a young girl takes the stage with a guitar and
sings a couple songs. Her voice is soothing as she covers songs from
popular genres. I watch several people in front of me talk amongst
themselves and take notes. After she finishes, she receives some
applause before another artist takes her place.
Several acts go on before The Mavs are introduced. When Rhye steps
out onto the stage, he commands it. His charisma shines through, and
when he smiles, his presence is felt around the room. He introduces his
band as they begin to play several of their original songs. Gripping the
edge of the table with nervous energy, my heart beats harder and faster,
and butterflies swarm my stomach. I want him to play wonderfully, so
he can have this future. We both have so much to look forward to.
For the last song, he covers John Mayer's "Edge of Desire," and my
heart weeps from the words. I know deep down within that he is
singing every verse to me and letting his heart bleed out onstage for us.
Every chord that they strum and every beat the drummer plays grabs
my soul and the souls of those around me. The enrapt faces that
surround me attest to that.
When they finish, the entire room stands in ovation, including myself.
This boy and his band are about to go somewhere because they just
wrung hearts and captured them with their music. I notice a guy up
front signal for someone on the side of stage as he speaks in hushed
tones.
I sit through a couple more bands and individual artists before I get a
text message from Rhye to meet him out front. Taking one last sip of
my soda, I stand and make my way out. As I walk to the exit, I see him
standing at the door, by himself. His hands are in his jean pockets, and
his button up plaid shirt covers his black t-shirt. His dark soulful eyes
look at me, and they are filled with happiness. My heart lights up when
I

actually see a smile appear.
"Rhye, that was awesome," I gush like a fan, because that's what I
am.
"You weren't the only one that thought that." He reaches out, catching
me around the waist and twirling me around. My head spins, and l let
out a yelp of surprise.
"We did it, Jay. We got a record deal. A top label executive was here
tonight, and he just offered it to the band. We sign everything in the
morning." His voice is laced with such happiness and joy that, before I
can stop him, he leans down and kisses me on the mouth. Pulling back,
he says desperately, "Stay here with me. There is nothing back in
Georgia but hell waiting for you. You can wait the trial out here. I'll
take care of everything, Jay. I just want you to stay with me. "
For a second, the thought runs through my mind. Not facing everything
that the trial will bring is tempting, but then one thought flashes
through my mind, reminding me that there are reasons I need to fight
for my life. Kane. Blinking through the tears, I look at him, "Rhye, I am
so happy for you. God, y'all are going to blow the music scene up, but I
can't stay here. I can't stay with you."
He lets go, breaking away from me as he should have done a long time
ago. I know in my heart that this is it, and I panic. My only thought is to
ask, "What about school?"
Shaking his head, probably knowing exactly what is going on in my
crazy mind as he always does, he replies, "I really don't give a fuck,
Jay. I'll get my G.E.D. more than likely. Is that all you are worried
about?"
"Rhye, you know I'll miss you. Hell, I will probably regret this moment
for the rest of my life, but right now, I know that not going home to
Kane would be a much bigger regret. "
"Well, that's that then," he says, placing his hands back into his
pockets, almost as if he has to contain them from touching me.
Watching me, he huffs and says, "Damn it. " Leaning down he swiftly
kisses my cheek, "I love you, and I hate that I do. If you ever need me,
come to me. Don't think twice about it." He sniffs his nose, continuing,
"And Jay?"
Glancing into his eyes, I answer, "What?"

"Don't forget about me."
"Never, Rhye. You're more in my heart than you'll ever know." He
nods his head, turning to walk away.
Not moving until he turns the corner, I let one tear seep out and fall. I
wipe it away and wish things were different for me and about me.
Calling the driver, I have him pick me up and take me back to the
airstrip. On the way, I call the pilot so he can be ready to take off when
I arrive. Not wanting to talk to anyone just yet, I text Kane and my Dad,
letting them know I' m on my way home.
Gazing out the window, I know I made the right decision, not just for
me, but for Rhye. His life is about to change immensely. Kane is who I
want to be with, but why do I have a lump in my throat and an ache in
my heart? Rubbing my hand against my chest, I try to assuage the pain.
Tears threaten to freely fall, but I hold them back, seeing that we have
arrived.
Boarding the jet, I hear my phone buzz with returning text messages.
Dad - My plane better be in the same shape it left. Love you. Kane -
I'll be waiting.
Shaking my head at their replies, I settle in for the long flight home.
Turning my music on and closing my eyes, I let sleep take me away.
For once, I don't fear dreams. I want to escape what I'm feeling right
now.
The wind blows through the trees as I sit propped up against JT's
grave. Angry grey clouds litter the sky, and my hair whips around my
face. Reaching up to gather it, I tuck it back around my ears. From the
corner of my eye, I see someone standing across the lake. My devil
stands there with crossed arms, and I can hear him laughing.
Leaning my head back against the grave, I wait for him to come to me.
I'm tired of running. He'll only catch me. Within a blink of my eyes, he
stands before me. He is darkly handsome, sin incarnate, and looking
more like Coach Branch than I remember. I wonder if he will always be

with me. When I am old, I wonder if my Satan will invade my silver
laced head.
He answers my unspoken questions, "Yes, you will. I'm in you for
infinity."
"What are your plans for me this time? What torment can you conjure
up now? "
He grins, dropping down beside me. " I' m sure, I can think of
something. " I close my eyes as he slithers to me. I'm too tired to fight
this time. My eyes flash open after several moments of silence and
uneventful nothingness. He' s gone. Looking around I don' t see him, so
I lean my head back against the tomb and shut my eyes, willing my
thoughts not to think of pain or death.
The sound of the pilot announcing to secure my seatbelt wakes me.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I look down at my watch to see that it'
s nearly 4 A.M. Grabbing my purse, I take out my brush and makeup to
touch everything up. Once the plane lands, I run to the bathroom before
getting off to brush my teeth and look at the reflection in the mirror. It'
s time to grow up. It's time to quit creating wars within myself and with
those who love me the most.
Walking down the steps, I notice the early morning is still as dark as
night. I see Kane's Crossfire parked, and he and my Dad lean against it
talking. Kane's arms and legs are crossed as he looks at my dad,
nodding his head at something he is saying. Lugging my bag, I walk
towards them. When I' m a little closer, I hear the last thing that Kane
says to him. He doesn't know I'm listening. "She drives me crazy, but
I'll take care of her. Always."
I stop before them, dropping my bags on the ground from fatigue. My
dad pushes away from the car first and strolls over to me. Suddenly, I
feel a little awkward. It's one thing to tell my mom that I'm staying with
Kane, but I will not tell my dad. If he tells me lets go, I'm gone. No
questions asked.
"I hear the plane was short four passengers on the return flight and that
it's in the same condition as when it left; however, that's not why I'm
here at...," he looks down at his watch then continues, "four in the

morning. I needed to make sure you got home in one piece. " He
reaches me and kisses my forehead. Looking back at Kane, he turns
again towards me. Shaking his head, he says, "You're an adult now,
Jay. You're mother and I rushed you into the responsibilities of one too
soon, and you paid the price. That is something I have to live with for
the rest of my life." With that, he walks away.
"Dad," I call to him as he turns back to me. "I love you."
"I love you too." Smiling, he gets in the car to head home.
Crisis averted. Thank God. I glance towards Kane, still planted against
his car.
His hoarse voice speaks up, "Are you coming home with me, Jay?"
Nodding my head up and down, I answer, "Yes."
"Why?"
Maybe it' s just too damn early in the morning, but I don' t understand
the question, "Why what?"
"Why are you coming home with me?"
The answer is so clear to me that I try to deliver it in a way that is
equally clear for him. "While I was in L.A., all I wanted was you. "
Clearing my throat and looking into his eyes, I say it again, "All I want
is
you."
His eyes spark, and the depth of need is evident. It lights a fire within
me that is fanned throughout with every breath I take. Finally, he
pushes away from the car and walks directly to me before stopping
mere inches from my face. His body heat rushes over me. The fire
raging within me burns every thought, every worry, and everything but
him. He's the only thing left standing for me.
He brings his hand up and caresses my neck. Gently, he grips the back
of my head and draws me closer. His lips touch mine. They are rough
and bitter at first, almost punishing in nature. His eyes never close, and
neither do mine. When his tongue swipes my mouth, I open it and allow
him to enter, granting him the permission that he never needed. My
hands travel up his chest, and I can feel the solid muscles underneath. I
lock my fingers together behind his back and pull him into me.
He tries to step back, but this time, I'm the one going after him. I

plead with whimpers for him not to stop. "Jay," he whispers against my
mouth, "everybody in the world, including your dad, can see us. I know
he's not a dumbass, so I don't want to rub what's about to happen to you
in his face. "
Sanity slowly returns, but the fire is stoked and burning. Common
sense lags behind. "What's about to happen?" I know the answer, but I'
m playing with our fire. I want to hear it from his lips.
His eyes widen, but he smiles, figuring out my game. "I'm taking you to
my house, and I'm putting you to bed." His grin gets a little wider
before he finishes, "With me in you. "
Letting go of me, he steps back and grabs my bags. I stay where I am to
let his words settle and blaze within me. My body's reaction is to
become wetter, not to put out the fire, but to allow slippery access to it.
"Are you coming, Jay?"
I jump at the sound of his words, making my feet move in the direction
of his car. Standing at the open passenger door, he waits for me. How
long was I daydreaming? Before I can lean down to enter the car, he
lifts my chin with his fingers.
"All I have ever wanted was you. I've waited long enough." He kisses
my lips before helping me in.
We don' t say anything on the way over, both probably scared to say the
wrong thing. We've both made that mistake, and Kane is right, it's our
time. We have waited long enough. He pulls into the driveway of a nice
two-story brick home. Opening the garage, he drives in to park.
Leaning over me, he opens the door, and we sit in silence with eyes
locked. His touch singes my skin as I burn from want and whimper in
desire. He inhales sharply at the sound of my yearning sob, and
instantly, we both jump out of the car. I rush to the driver's side and
take his outstretched hand. He kisses me full on the lips again, and we
make our way into the house. We reach a door that has a stairway
leading down. I follow him until it opens up into an apartment. I pay no
attention to anything else around me; he has me in his spell. We make it
to the couch and he pulls me down next to him.
His lips reconnect with mine, and we consume one another. I raise my
fingertips between our mouths and press against them. A look of

confusion emerges on his face but quickly fades as I begin to trace his
lips. Closing his eyes, he leans back against the cushions and tries to
take me with him. I resist and stop to gaze at his beautiful face for just a
second. I'm astonished. He's mine.
"I love the way your soft lips and hard body feel beneath my
fingertips."
His eyes flutter open at the sound of my voice. I slide my hand from his
face to his neck and run my finger along his jaw line before tracing the
black ink on his neck, "To thine own self be true. "
"I love that you understand the pain in me."
Letting my fingers trail to the hem of his t-shirt, I gently slip my hands
underneath. My touch lightly glides back up and across his rigid abs. A
hiss escapes from his lips. I retract my hands from his shirt, grip it
firmly, and pull it up and over his head. I toss it to the floor before
placing my palms on his chest, one on his left pec and the other over his
heart.
"I love that you know the real me, and you're still here."
Sensing that I need to control the moment, he sits motionless beneath
me. His gaze shifts to different spots on my face, but it never leaves.
Pressing my hands against his chest, I push him further into the couch,
and my body slithers down to the floor in front of him. With my hands
resting on his knees, I nudge his legs apart and place myself between
them.
Peering into his eyes, I continue. "I love how you protect both your
heart and mine. "
I watch my hands travel from his knees, over the rough denim, to the
button of his jeans. Knowing this moment will define my life forever,
they tremble as they wiggle the button free. Slowly, I bring my eyes to
meet his. His stare pierces my soul, and the only thing I can say to him
comes in the form of three words shrouded in a breathy whisper.
"I love you, Kane."
I hear his quick intake of breath a second before his control snaps.
Reaching down, he grasps the sides of my face and pulls me to him. His
kiss takes possession of me: mind, body, and soul. Claiming my heart
with actions, not words, he slides our bodies down to the floor. We land

on our knees, body to body, with his mouth never leaving mine.
Almost tickling, his hands feather down my sides, making me quiver.
Grasping the ends of my dress, he pulls back, quickly stripping me of it.
His hands caress my neck, and everywhere he touches sends electric
currents through me. He looks down at the lingerie I bought for him, a
little pair of black and pink tie panties and a matching demi-bra. His
groan of approval is all I need.
I moan loudly in response, not holding anything back from him.
Meeting my lips again, his mouth ravages mine. He leans me back
against the carpeted floor and rests his body beside mine. He fumbles to
finish undoing his jeans while pushing at his underwear. Both slide off
simultaneously.
He presses me to the floor with his mouth and body, and I hold on tight,
gripping his thick tattooed biceps. His stiff arousal is evident as it
presses firmly against my damp mound, grinding against me in sweet
torture. While kissing me, he nips at my lips then sucks to soothe them.
He likes doing this, and damn, I like him doing it. It kindles every spark
within me and turns them to roaring flames. His movements send hot
lust surging through my body, over and over, shorting my brainwaves
and making it impossible to do anything but feel.
He whispers promises in my ear, but I'm beyond understanding or
caring at this point. Reaching my hand down, I find what I am l
searching for. Gripping his hard fervor, I slide my hand from base to
tip.
"God, Jay," he moans.
His moans excite me. The sweet sound increases the need in me. I
continue my manual exploration of him - faster and tighter then slow
and smooth.
"Stop," he cries as he grabs my hand, pulling it away. "That is not how
it ends this time. "
His unfocussed gaze and shortness of breath only build my excitement.
His hands slide around my back, and I lift up for easier access to my bra
clasps. Once he has removed it, his fingers skim to the sides of my
thighs and pull the ties of my panties so that they release. He
immediately rips them away. Leaning up, he looks down the length of
my body. My nipples are erect, and my bare mound glistens.

I see him visibly swallow and lick his lips, teasing me to the point of
pain. My body can't take anymore. I'm panting, literally shuddering
with want. His eyes fly to mine as he feels me shaking underneath.
"Jay, are you okay? We can stop if you need to."
"No!" I shout. "Please no. Now, I can't wait any longer. I...please,
Kane, love me. "
"Shh...I'll take care of it. Let me take care of you."
His hands slide down my body and open my thighs. One hand slides to
my middle and spreads my warmth. His fingers prepare me for him.
My cries of pleasure fill the silence, building as everything inside me
tries to reach for completion. It' s just out of reach. I can feel him rising
above me as he prods me open and slides his thickness in.
"Shit," he says stopping and pulling out. Reaching down, he hastily
grabs for his jeans as he scrambles for something.
With my body about to combust, he pulls away? Oh, hell to the no! All
the pleasure turns to agonizing pain with the loss of his touch.
Springing up, I tackle him to the ground. Finding his lips, I regain the
taste of Heaven. I rub my heat against him, trying to mount him this
way. Forcefully, he grasps my hips and holds me still, preventing me
from fitting myself onto him.
"Wait, Jay. God, baby, wait just a second."
His words filter through my thoughts, slowing me down just enough,
that I understand what is happening. Placing me astride his leg, he
brings a packet to his mouth and rips it with his teeth. I can't help but
rock back and forth, stimulating myself and closing my eyes in
pleasure. I open them only to watch him sheath himself with the
condom. He grabs my hips once again to lift me over him.
We stare into each other's eyes. I look at the perpetuity in his steady
gaze as I connect the last piece of the puzzle. He fills me, stretching me
to the point of pain, but it's a welcome hurt. The satisfying ache
reminds me that he's finally here. I move slowly at first to allow myself
to conform to him. I increase my speed when his eyes roll back in
pleasure. The pressure mounts within me, seeking release. Knowing
what I need, he moves his finger down and rubs me just there, setting
me off. My vaginal walls clench tightly around him, causing jolts of
delight

for us both. He groans louder, and his hips move up once more, forcing
me down hard onto him. We moan together one last time.
Falling forward onto him, I place my ear over his heart and listen to the
harsh thumping as he calms. He rubs my back with both hands and
kisses the top of my head as he regains normal breaths. Peace spreads
throughout, contentment blooms deep within, and happiness replaces
all the pain. For in this moment, I am whole. I shut my eyes in triumph,
knowing that I can feel this again. I am regaining a piece of me that was
stolen.
Raising my head, I rest my chin on his chest and look up at him. He has
captured my heart wholly and stolen my soul for eternity.
He is looking back at me, smiling, but there is something else. Opening
his mouth, he suddenly shuts it and shakes his head. "Girl, what you do
to me. I didn't think you could own me more than you already do."
Stretching underneath me, he says, "Sorry, we didn't make it further
than the couch. I wasn't thinking," he says laughing.
"I don't know, I think I like how you don't think," I say, smiling
back.
"C'mon, get up. My bed is softer, and I'm not done with you."
Standing unabashedly in front of him, I let his hungry gaze consume
me. He instantly sends my body springing back to life. He stands, and
my throat goes dry. Every thought leaves me except one -he's mine. I've
seen Kane halfway naked, but this is the total package. His chest is
sculpted perfectly and defined abs lower into his pelvis and form the
perfect "V" with his brawny hip and legs. What he is working with is
better than fine, and his backside is breathtaking. Men just don' t have
rounded asses like that; it's almost unbelievable. Not realizing the
effect he as over me, he goes to dispose of the evidence of our joining.
When he glances up, he halts, finally seeing the desire reflected back
into his eyes.
Leaning in, he kisses me, "Let me throw this...," he doesn't finish.
Launching myself at him, I wrap my legs around his waist as he catches
me with one arm. I kiss his sweet mouth as he walks, carrying me, only
making a stop by the trashcan. We go straight to his bedroom, and I get
a quick glance around before he falls down on the bed, with me

on top. Rolling me underneath him, we begin again, remembering to
only slow down during our favorite parts.

Several weeks pass, and the contentment of my heart is a new
experience. Kane fills emotional voids that I never knew I had. His
love, well I call it love since he hasn't out right told me he loves me yet,
makes me stronger. It gives me strength to consider doing things I
never thought I would be able to do.
Life continues. He works, and I finish up my online high school
diploma and maintain my coursework at the college. We don' t
necessarily flaunt our physical relationship in front of my parents, but I
refuse to miss too many precious moments with him. I stay over at his
house when I can, mostly when my dad is out of town. I'm always sure
to let my mom know where I am.
I haven' t heard from Rhye. I texted him trying to check on how he is
doing, but I got no response. I told Eli everything that happened.
Actually, I cried to Eli about it, and being the wonderful guy that he is,
he held me as I wept. He reminded me that, just like JT, I had to mourn
Rhye, letting him go so I could move on. Molly, Reed, Cal, Kane, and
Eli have taken to coming over on Sundays to hang out. Having those
that I love in the same place at the same time warms my heart. It's just
another reminder of the good things to come.
One evening, my mother enters my room while I am getting ready

for bed.
"Jay," she says, standing in the door, "can I come in?" "Sure, Mom.
What's going on?" I ask.
Walking towards me, she opens her closed fist to reveal bottles of
antidepressant and anxiety medication. Offering them to me, she says,
"Here. It's time I trusted you to handle these. I have to trust that you
realize that life is not always rainbows and that there will be days of
darkness, but if you hold on long enough, the sun will come out. "
Smiling at her, I can't help but think how much I love the woman.
"Thanks, Mom. Even though that's about the corniest thing I've ever
heard you say, I understand where you are coming from. "
She shakes her head as I reach for them. One-by-one, I pick them up
and place them on the table. Turning back to her, I give her a quick
hug.
"So, you and Kane seem to be doing well together? " she asks as we
pull back.
Smiling, because I can't help it, I answer, "Yes. He's everything and
more to me. "
"I love seeing your genuinely smiling face. It makes your father and me
happy. "
"Me too."
She smiles at me one last time before walking out the door. Minutes
later, my phone vibrates with a text message.
Kane - Just got done with the new job... tired, but you know I still
want to come over.
Grinning, I look down at his message. I know if I ask him, he will
come. That's just how he cares for me, and I would do the same.
Me - No sleep. You will need your energy tomorrow night. I hate
sleeping without you.
Kane - Yeah, me too Me - Night......<3 you!!!

Kane - night:)
I shake my head. He'll tell me he loves me when he's ready. The
important thing is that I know that he does. I lie down and close my
eyes, praying for sweet or no dreams at all.
The next morning, as I' m coming down for breakfast, the doorbell
rings. I go to answer it, and I' m not surprised to see Agent Morris
standing there. I've never met a more persistent person in my life. She
still isn't my favorite after the stunt she pulled taking me to where JT
died.
Putting on a fake smile, because what I really want to do is slam the
door in her face, I say, "Good morning, Agent Morris." I make note not
to invite her in.
"Hi Jay." She smiles at me and asks, "Can I please come in?"
Sighing, I step back and open the door.
"Can we talk?" she asks.
Going no further than the foyer, I cross my arms and ask, "What? No
other place you can think of to take me to and torture me? " I can' t help
but continue, "I've already been to his grave, so I beat you there."
"Jay, I was desperate. I am desperate because I want to convict him of
the crime he committed. I know that he did what he has been accused
of, and the thought that he is going to walk free kills me. That is why I
do what I do. I believe in justice and that it can be served, but
sometimes, it takes desperate measures. Those measures mean that I
have to do things that I may not necessarily be proud of later. "
Sniffling, I listen to her words. I don't like them, but I understand. "Do
you understand why I haven't wanted to testify? Can you understand
that, when I get on that stand and tell every detail about what happened,
the next morning, I' m still going to wake up hurting from the memory?
I' ll still have the nightmares. It will not end for me, Agent

Morris. It probably never will. "
Nodding her head, she says, "I know you will deal with this for the rest
of your life, but Jay, what kind of life is it knowing you did nothing?
That he could possibly do this to some other young girl. Like I said
before, we haven't found anyone else that he has assaulted, but that
doesn't mean that, at some point, he couldn't transfer his obsession for
you to someone else. "
Hearing her words, I stop her, "Wait, what do you mean by 'obsession'?
That's the second time you've alluded to something like that. No threats
Agent Morris. Tell it to me straight this time. "
"I honestly believe that, at some point, he may try to contact you again.
Actually, I' ve put in several requests to have him followed, but
unfortunately with budget cuts and no continuing evidence, it's been
denied. Jay... "
She continues to speak, but I don't hear any of it as my world drops out
from underneath me. He has contacted me, and I think, no I know, I' ve
seen him. The cemetery, the mall, school, glimpses of him, making me
think I' m going crazy. Was he really there? Watching and waiting for
his chance? No, it can't be. Why would he risk it? Hearing my name
being called, I finally look towards her.
She reaches out, grabbing my wrist, "He's contacted you hasn't he?"
Her eyes are wild and eager.
Shaking my head, I whisper, "No...I don't know. I think I've seen him
but just glimpses. I thought I was imagining things. Why would he risk
it? You've said it yourself, and I'm sure he knows that if I don't talk then
he walks free. Why would he jeopardize me changing my mind? "
"Listen to me carefully," she says, bringing me closer to her, "you have
to tell me everything. "
Breaking my arm free, I pull it back and cradle it with the other. I can
tell that she knows she is scaring me.
Stepping back, she lowers her hands and says, "Listen, if he contacted
you, he is in violation of his bond. We can have him apprehended and
put in jail until trial. "
Shaking my head, I tell her the truth, "He didn't contact me. I went into
the market, and he was there, so I left. I only made it outside the

store before I became sick. As he left, he muttered something as he
walked by. I guess you could say that he was talking to himself. "
"What did he say?"
Taking a deep breath, I finally answer, "He said, 'Miss me, Jay' and that
was it. "
"When? When was this, Jay?"
"Months ago."
An incredulous look spreads across her face as she asks, "And you've
seen him other places?"
"Not necessarily. Sometimes, I think I see him, and other times, I think
it's just in my head."
Grasping the bridge of her nose, she sighs and says, "Jay, he violated
you, and then for two years, he tormented you. To make matters worse,
he enjoyed every moment of controlling you and reminding you to fear
him. The only reason I believe his threats didn't accelerate faster was
because of lack of time in his personal life. Between coaching and his
wife having twins, he didn't have the time to harass you, but he was
starting to. He is not going to just disappear. He has proven that he can
have patience. So it might not be as soon as the trial is over, but he has
some sick fascination with you, and he'll eventually act on it. Again."
Everything within me knows that the words she speaks are true. Terror
rises within me, and the thought that he will try again destroys me. He
can hurt me again. The thought that, forever, I will just be waiting until
he does. It's a matter of time. No, not again. Making my decision, I look
at her as chills run down my body. Breathlessly, I say, "I'll do it. I'll
testify."
Surprise marks her face, but she nods saying, "You know you have to,
Jay. You know this is how you claim your life back. This is how you
get justice for JT." She looks at me like she's afraid I'll change my
mind.
Cringing, I realize what I have just agreed to. This moment is surreal,
and for a brief second, my life flashes before me: the pain of my broken
body, the life-ending decision he forced on me, the choices, the
thievery, the years of living in terror knowing he was there around
every corner, waiting for me. The letters, the flowers, and the smirks as
he watched me walk through school hallways, knowing what he had
done,

wanting to do it again.
"Jay, you are making the right decision," she assures me. "I have to
make the call to the D.A.'s office and let them know." Looking at her
watch, she smiles looking back at me, "and just in time. There is a
pre-trial meeting today with his lawyers, and they can tell the bastard
the great news. I'll be right back."
I watch as she walks outside, closing the door behind her. My knees
shake, and my stomach tosses with the decision. I'm not going back on
it. I can't. My mother walks into foyer as I stand motionless, frozen in
fear. I don't even acknowledge her presence.
"Jay, what's wrong?" my mother asks, shaking me by my arms.
Coming to myself, I gasp, "I'm going to do it."
"What, honey? What are you going to do? " she asks hysterically. I don'
t realize how this statement must sound to her.
"I'm going to testify. I have to."
A wave of calmness sweeps over her, but tears fill her eyes as she looks
back at me. "You don't have to. You know that right? You can choose
to not ever say a word about it. That is your choice, and no one is going
to take that from you. They can't take that from you." She wraps me in
her arms, and I break down. Tears flow freely from both of our eyes.
Through my sobs, I answer her, "No, I want to move on. I don't want to
worry about if he is coming after me or not. If I testify and he is still
released, that is different, but at least then, I would have tried. I want to
do this, Mom. I need to." She holds me until our fears finish dripping
down our faces.
Hearing the door open, I look up and step away from my mother's
comforting arms. Agent Morris walks in. Looking at my mother and
myself, she replies, "You're doing the right thing, Jay. Next week we'll
have you come in so we can go over what will happen, and we'll
discuss the logistics later on. I was able to catch the D.A. before they
went into the meeting with the defense. Bruce Branch will know today
that you are going to testify." She leans in, gently touching my arm,
"You need to be careful. I wasn't lying about what I said. From this
point forward, any contact he has with you or if you think you see him
anywhere, you call

911 and ask for me. Got it?
I nod. Softy smiling at me, she nods back and turns toward the door to
leave. She stops before closing the door behind her. "It takes immense
courage to stand up and face your fears, but I promise that it will be
something that you will never regret." She closes the door, and I watch
as she backs the patrol car out of the driveway.
"What does she mean about being careful, Jay?"
Not wanting to worry my mother, I lie, "Nothing, just warning me to be
careful as usual. "
Pulling away, I want to call Kane to tell him what I've decided. I need
to share my fears and let him wrap me in his arms to hide me away from
the rest of the world for just a little bit.
"Jay, what can I do?" my mom asks.
"I'm good. I'm just going to go see Kane. He's off today, and I was
going to let him sleep in, but now, I think I'll take breakfast over."
"I've got some fresh coffee and homemade blueberry muffins. C'mon,
I'll load you up, and you can take some to him."
Following her, I do just that. I pack several extra in case Cole is there.
I've only spoken to him a couple of times since we've been back
together, and in both instances, he was nice but not overly. Kane' s
mother cooked dinner for us last week so I could meet her. She was so
down to earth and nice to me. I see where Kane gets his smile and his
sense of humor from. We get along great, and we even made plans to
have dinner again next week.
An hour later, I arrive at Kane's. Getting out and grabbing the bag full
of food that my mom packed, I head towards the front door. After
ringing the door bell, Cole answers in his boxers and nothing else,
rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"S'up?" he asks as he opens the door wider, inviting me in.
Averting my eyes to avoid looking at his body, which I'm sure is a
mirror image of Kane's, I walk in and through to the kitchen. I murmur,
"Hi" as I walk past him. Placing the bag on the kitchen counter, I start
pulling out the muffins and coffee thermos my mother packed. She also
threw in some fresh fruit and utensils. As I'm fixing Kane a breakfast
tray of food, Cole walks in, still undressed. I have never felt so

uncomfortable in my life.
"Mmm...something smells good. What did you bring?" he asks,
rummaging through the bag as he stands next to me.
"My mom made some muffins and coffee, plus there is some fruit, " I
reply as I finish pouring Kane some coffee.
"Wow, lil' bro is getting breakfast in bed. Nice," he says as he grabs a
muffin and takes a bite. "You know, this is the first opportunity I' ve
had to talk to you alone. "
Closing my eyes, I dread hearing what he has to say, but out of respect
for his relation to my man, I look at him.
He sits the remaining muffin down and glances into my eyes. "You
fucked him up with your shit. I knew you would be trouble the moment
I laid my eyes on you, and for the first time, I really hated to be right. I
really don't want him with you, but I don't have a choice, do I?"
Taking a breath, I start to say, "I...," but he cuts me off.
"No, let me finish. He's already had to deal with the loss of Matt, and if
you would have told me that he would have to go through more shit, I
would have called you a damn liar. Once in a lifetime should be enough
for anybody." He shakes his head and rubs the back of his neck before
bringing his head up to look at me. "But, I guess you would know more
than anyone about an unfair life. If you make him happy and if you are
who he wants, then I'll be fine with him being with you, but do not
fucking hurt him. "
"I love him, Cole," I answer, staring back at him. I want and need him
to see the truth on my face.
Nodding his head, he takes another bite of muffin, and with a mouthful,
he replies, "Good. So do I. "
He grasps my shoulder with his hand, giving it a squeeze before
reaching for another muffin as he walks out of the room.
I don' t have siblings, but if I did, I guess I would love that they care
enough to look after me; however, that was awkward. I pray that I
never have to be in that position again. Grabbing the tray, I head down
to his basement apartment.
Walking into his bedroom, I see that he has kicked off most of the
covers and he is wearing nothing but boxers. I can't help but think they

are a good choice. I mean, after all, they do highlight that luscious ass
of his. He's a belly sleeper, and he has his head turned to the side and
resting on his arms. My mouth waters at the sight of him. Laying the
tray on the night stand, I decide that he deserves a little something
special for waiting for me and putting up with my shit. I quickly
undress down to my t-shirt and panties. I swear the boy sleeps like a
rock.
Climbing into bed on my knees beside him, I take my hands and rub
them gently down his back. I begin to lightly massage his neck as I
bring my lips to kiss his shoulder blade.
"Am I dreaming?" his raspy voice asks.
Kissing his other shoulder, I use my teeth to bite down gently. His taste
explodes on my tongue. I stop as he jerks back. "Does that feel like a
dream?" I ask laughing.
"Actually, I have this one fantasy," he starts jokingly.
I continue to massage his defined back, letting my hands stroke lower
over his cheeks and not stopping until I reach his calves. Then, I make
my way back up. Having just found out he is ticklish, I let my fingers
drift over his sides, and he wiggles his body.
"Hey, watch it," he rises up saying with a smile on his face and in his
eyes.
It seems that the instant connection I feel with him strengthens with
every touch. Slowly leaning down, I bring my lips to his, deepening my
kiss then pulling back. "I brought you breakfast in bed," I say
motioning to the food on the nightstand, but his eyes never leave mine.
"Are you hungry?"
"Yes, I've been hungry for you," he says, bringing his lips back to mine,
"for too long, and now I can't get enough." "I'm all for gluttony."
He laughs at my joke, and I can feel the vibration against my lips. The
hum runs down my body, igniting the fire that is always stoked around
him. Kissing laughs are my new favorite thing. Ever. Turning over, he
pulls me down beside him. Wrapped in his arms and snuggled in his
warm bed, the whole world drifts far away. The only thing that matters
at this point is us. He makes me feel like breathing; he isn' t a choice.
He is what it takes for me to live.

Concentrating on his mouth, the feel of his lips against mine, and the
touch of his tongue, I enjoy every second. All I needed was him to
make me feel whole again and to take away the pain and worry.
Pulling back, he stares into my eyes, "I'm not doing something right
because you're thinking, and I can tell."
Leaning forward, I place my lips back against his and whisper, "No
that' s just it. You are doing everything right. You take the hell and
make it heaven." Looking deep into my eyes, he searches again for
something.
"What happened?"
I don't want to ruin the moment, but we've made promises that we will
be upfront about everything. There is to be no guessing about what is
going with one another. So I tell him, "I talked to Agent Morris this
morning. I' m going to testify, so that I can move on. I want to be free of
him, forever. For me. For us. "
He stares at me for a second before suddenly launching himself at me,
pushing me down against the bed, and coming over me. His lips control
mine. Kissing me hard and deep, he stops only to look down at me.
"God Jay, I' m so proud of you. Your strength amazes me and makes
me want to be a better man for you. What made you decide to do
this?"
"Agent Morris doesn't think he will stop. She says that, at some point,
he will either come back after me or someone else. I can' t let either of
those scenarios play out. "
"Will you please let me be there? I want to. It will kill me if you don' t,"
he pleads with me.
"Do you think you can stand hearing the details? I wouldn't want it to
change anything between us." I have to ask and he has to understand
that talking about it will strip me bare. Everyone will see all the raw
ugliness.
"Jay, I'm not going to lie. It's going to kill me to hear the details, but if
you have to be there, I'll be with you."
Leaning my head up, I capture his lips this time. How could I not love
this man? It feels like I've known him forever, yet he surprises me
every day. Letting him love me is so easy, so I let him do just that.

Spring arrives swiftly as April brings May showers, and I can' t believe
how much my life has bloomed. Even with the trial approaching, things
have never been better, and my friends surround me with support and
love. As I sit in my living room across from Cal, my happiness is
slightly overshadowed, knowing that it has a price.
"You know, you suck at video games. After how many months, you
should at least be able to get through the first couple of plays before
screwing everything up." Cal looks at me with disgust.
"Geez, Cal. It's just a freaking game," I say, throwing down my
controller. Looking at him, my bubble of contentment bursts, but I can'
t let him know how much it upsets me when I have days like this -- days
when the sight of him in a wheelchair turns me inside out with sickness.
He should be playing real football instead of acting it out on a screen.
"Hey, you're the one that wanted to join this online tournament," he
says, tossing his controller down beside mine. "No use in ignoring the
elephant in the room is there? So, the trial is next week. Do you want to
talk about it?"
Standing, I begin pacing in front of him, turning only to answer, "No,
between the D.A. and Agent Morris, I'm talked out. They have
questioned me so many times that I'm sick of hearing my own self talk

about it. They even took me to the courtroom and had me practice. It' s
all just crazy. "
"What are you worried about?"
I stop, turning towards Cal as anger builds inside me. The words spew
from me, "What am I worried about, Cal? Well, let's see, just that I' m
going to tell a room full of strangers what happened to me and how the
man sitting in that courtroom is really a monster in disguise. That they
have to take my word for it." Getting worked up for just a second, I
continue, "Then there is this chance that they don't believe me. That I
have to walk out of that courtroom knowing he is going to walk out
right behind me, free. Knowing that I might not only fail me, but JT as
well. " I pause, then whisper, "And you." Walking over to the windows,
I look out at nothing at all.
I hear his wheelchair roll across the floor, stopping somewhere behind
me. Feeling his hand against mine, he links our fingers together. "You
are not getting on that stand for me, because if you are, that's the wrong
reason. You know the only reason for you to testify is for you. "
"Where is your justice, Cal? How do you get through everyday not
hating what happened? Wishing you had never met me? Wishing you
had your legs back?" I turn to him.
"Damn it, Jay. Just stop it! Yeah, I want my legs back, but that's not
going to happen. Some days, I wake up thinking I'll just get out of bed
and start walking; I even think I can feel my legs move. "
"Your life is ruined," I start to say, when he stops me.
"Forget you, Jay. JT's life was ruined because he died. I'm still here and
fighting every day to live the life I have left. It's not the same one I had
or the one I would have chosen, but it's the only one I got. And here I
was thinking you had changed and you were the only person on this
earth that could understand that with me. "
He grabs the wheels of his chair, turning himself around and trying to
get away from me.
"Cal, wait. I' m sorry. I just want you to have a life and meet someone."
Suddenly wheeling back around, he glares at me, "What are you
saying? No one is going to love me in this chair? That my life is over,

and I should just sit here and wither away?"
Oh God, he is so upset with me. I try to talk to him, "No, I'm sorry, it's
just that... I shouldn't have said...," I don't even know what I'm saying.
"I'll have you know that girls talk me up all the time, regardless of this
chair. Unlike some people, that isn't all they see." He wheels back and
out the door.
Chasing him into the hallway, I try to explain myself, "Please Cal, let
me explain. I' m just upset, and my head is going to places that I never
wanted to visit again. Please just let me talk to you. "
Stopping, he doesn't turn around. I walk around in front of him and
open my heart saying, "Some days, I start thinking about JT, and I miss
him so much." The old familiar ache starts in my heart as the tears well
in my eyes. "I think about seeing that smiling face every day for so
many years, and how I never will again. It's crazy. I didn't talk to him
hardly for two years, but I knew he was still there, and I could breathe
knowing
that."
"Jay," he starts, "I thought you and Kane were doing good."
I say, "No, we are doing great, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss JT
and that I wish that night didn't happen. I love Kane, but you are the
only other person on this earth that called JT your best friend and can
understand why I miss him like I do. "
"Have you been back to his grave?"
I shake my head.
"Maybe we can go together?" he asks.
"I'd like that, Cal." Looking down, I grasp his hand. "Forgive me for
saying the wrong thing? I'm sorry."
He nods his head and says, "Just so you know, I pick up girls all the
time in my chair. In fact, I sweep them off of their feet. " Turning his
chair, he reaches around my knees and literally sweeps me off my feet
so I land on his lap. Looking into my eyes, he says, "I make this chair
look
good."
Laughing, I pull myself from my dark thoughts and push out of his lap.
"I'm sorry."
"I know you, Jay. You're getting nervous about the trial, and

you're going to blame yourself. Just stop. Deal with getting through
this, and we'll figure everything else afterwards. Okay? And Jay, I'll
figure my life out. It's not yours to worry about."
Seeing the look of hurt in his eyes, that I put there, I nod my head and
tell him what I've felt forever. "Cal, I know that whoever you give your
heart to will be the luckiest girl in the world. They will hold the biggest
heart I have ever known in the palm of their hand, and they will thank
their lucky stars for you." He smiles up at me, so I add, "And if they
don't, I'll kick their ass." Balling my fist up, I smile back and punch his
shoulder.
Laughing he says, "Deal. Now go fix me some lunch, since you were so
mean to me. I'm starving."
I do as he asks and head into the kitchen as he follows. While he talks, I
send up a silent prayer thanking God that he is still beside me and that,
maybe, someone just as special as him will come into his life. He
deserves it, and I want that for him. To be happy.
After Cal leaves, I turn the alarm on. My mother had to run some
errands, and I'm by myself. Running up the stairs to my room, I check
my phone to see if Kane texted me. He is working on a big project with
Cole, so I haven't seen him much this past week; however, we talk
every day and text message constantly. Frowning, I see that he hasn't
sent any messages today, so I text him.
Me - Miss you...
And I do, he's been my stronghold through this storm. Minutes later,
my phone vibrates.
Kane - Good
Where is he going with this? Me - Good?
Kane - Yeah, because I'm headed to your house in about five minutes
and you can show me how much.

My heart swells with the love I feel for him, and this intense feeling of
completion. It's amazing that I feel this way.
Me - Hurry!!
Rushing to get ready, I run into my bathroom and turn on the shower. I
hastily throw my clothes to the ground and jump in, letting the spray
soak my hair. I reach for the bottle of shampoo when my home alarm
blares loudly. The screeching sound jars me. Realizing exactly what
the sound is and knowing that someone is trying or has succeeded in
breaking into my house, I panic.
The shampoo bottle slips from my hand, hitting the floor and sounding
with a large thump. The noise springs me into action. I jump out, not
caring that I' m naked. Water saturates the floor as it falls from my
body. I reach the bathroom door, slamming it shut and turning the lock.
My breath comes in pants. He is coming for me. He's going to hurt me.
My body begins to shake from the rush of fear filling every pore,
sweeping me up, and stealing me from myself.
Bang. Bang. Bang. I jump. Someone is forcing themselves against the
door. Terror squeezes my insides as it takes my every breath, and I
press my naked wet body against the counter. What is he going to do to
me? I can't survive this again; I have to find something to protect
myself with. Turning to the bathroom counter, I knock everything to
the floor grabbing at a pair of shears that lay there.
Why do I think I hear Kane? My mind contemplates what my ears are
telling it moments before I realize that someone is screaming for me.
Kane is yelling my name, and with one last push against the door, he
breaks in. I stand frozen, scissors pulled back in fear as he comes to a
halt before me. His eyes are wide with that same fear, and out of the
corner of my eye, I see blood run down his fist. The ruby red drops
slide slowly down dripping to the ground as he stands there, and I
remember the blood that flowed from me. The room starts spinning
with the thought, and I close my eyes to try to...

Voices softly drift around me: Molly, Kane, my mom, and my dad.
Memories of another time this happened to me filter through my mind.
A hospital room. The day after JT died. No, I can't be back there. I
survived that. Didn't I? My eyes pop open to look around, verifying that
I' m not in that hell again.
As I lie across my bed, several blankets cover my nude body and are
tucked all around me. Under my head, my pillows prop me up more
than they should as my hands are folded together and resting beneath
my cheek. I hear a voice clearing above my head, so I look that way,
seeing exactly why I seem to be propped higher. My head is on my
pillow in Kane's lap as he stares down at me, lifting my hair with his cut
and bruised hand. Closing my eyes, I don't want to remember what
happened or to know why he is hurt. I' m sure it has something to do
with me. Doing the only thing I can think of, I pucker my lips together
for a kiss and bring them to his hand as he strokes my hair.
"I' m sorry," I whisper, wanting him to myself for one more second.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Jay," he says, leaning down to brush
his lips against my head.
My eyes look once more around the room, noting that Molly is
speaking in hushed tones with my mom and dad. They don't seem to
notice I' m awake.
"What happened?" I ask, remembering Kane breaking in the door and
the blood. God, the blood. My stomach flips upside down, and I close
my eyes tightly to control the nausea.
"Someone tried to break in through the garage door. Thank God you set
the alarm. Your mother and I arrived at the same time, and we both
heard the sound. Damn Jay, I ran for my life to find you. The door was
jimmied open, and I yelled for you, but you didn't answer. I ran up to
your room, and when I saw the bathroom door closed..." He stops,
bringing his other hand to rub over his face.
Reaching up, I slide my hand around his neck and pull his lips to

mine. We briefly touch before he pulls back.
"I tried to go through the door, beating it with my hands and feet. I just
had to get to you. To make sure you were all right. My one thought,
Jay. It was you, always you. "
Not wanting him to think about how he found me, I ask him, "Did they
find anyone?"
Looking away, he answers, "No."
It' s almost like he is lying to me, alright, I know he is not telling me
something. "Kane, we promised each other. No secrets. "
He looks over to my parents and Molly, then back at me, nodding his
head.
"Agent Morris has been keeping tabs on Bruce Branch. The police are
all aware of the situation, and when the home alarm went off, they were
immediately notified. Bruce Branch was checked up on and found off
the radar. So, he could have been anywhere, including here. The police
were waiting in front of his house when he returned, but he had a
receipt for a movie at the time he would have been here. No one was
with him, but there was not enough evidence to do anything but
question him."
"So what? She thinks it was him?"
Looking into my eyes, he nods his head. "You've got to nail this bastard
to the wall. "
The fear is there, but now something else starts deep within. Replacing
the fear, building, and sharpening, the need for revenge controls me. I'
m angry that he could come between me and what I want most in life,
the man looking at me now. No more fear, no more hiding.
"Get mad, Jay. It's time to get even. Ruin the son-of-a-bitch." Kane
knows me more than anyone, guessing my thoughts.
"Jay, are you okay?" my dad says finally realizing I'm awake.
Glancing one more time into Kane's eye, I nod to acknowledge my
understanding. "I'm fine, Dad," I say, feeling a stronghold over my life.
"Jay, I shouldn't have left," my mother says, almost crying.
"Mom, the alarm worked. You can't stay here with me every second."
She comes over and lays her hand on top of the blanket, making me
realize one thing. I'm nude. "Uh, can everyone give me a second to

get dressed?"
"Sure," my dad says and then adds, "Agent Morris left a little while ago
after the paramedics checked you over to make sure you were fine.
Tomorrow, she is coming back to ask a couple of questions unless you
remember anything tonight. "
He smiles as I shake my head. Grabbing my mother's hand, he walks
out of the room. I watch as they speak quietly to one another.
Leaning up and keeping the blanket wrapped around me the best I can,
I look at Kane. "They don't want me to know do they?"
"No, they're just trying to protect you. You know that right?"
I look over at Molly as she says, "Don't look at me. You know I agree
with your parents. Sometimes this shit is just too much to handle, and I
don' t think you should be overwhelmed. "
She still worries over me, so I can't be mad when she acts like this.
They all just need to understand that I'm not a child anymore, and it's
been months. "Molly, I better not learn of you keeping anything from
me."
"No promises, Jay. I'm going to always do what I think is best for you,
so get over it. I love you, chick. "
Wrapping her arms around me and my blanket, she squeezes me tight.
"Well, I'll go help your mom and dad do something so you two can
have a moment alone." She punches Kane in the arm as she walks by.
"You tell her too much. "
"You better always tell me," I say, not giving him a chance to change
his mind. My arms fight their way out of the cover that binds me.
Securing the ends of the blanket around my chest, I sit up on the bed
and run my hands through the tangled knots in my hair.
"Jay, your dad and I talked, and until the trial next week, you are not
allowed to be by yourself at any time." He looks unsure and as if he is
afraid I'm going to blow up at him. Instead, I lean forward to lightly
kiss his lips.
"Fine with me," I agree, for all the times he has come to my rescue.
"I really never know what you are going to do." He moves back in to
capture my lips with his, talking in-between kisses. "When all the
drama is over, I' m taking us on a vacation. I' m going to take you away

from all this, and we are going to act like normal people. "
"I' m in," I tell him, letting him continue to kiss me. I know we' ll have
to stop soon with my parents downstairs, so I enjoy soaking up every
moment of him.
Pulling back, he kisses me one last time. His eyes say so much as they
look into mine.
"Get dressed. I'll be downstairs." Walking out, he glances toward my
bathroom door that has been removed. He balls up his fist and shakes
his head.
Completely unwrapping myself from the blankets, I stand up and walk
over to my dresser to retrieve some undies. Throwing on some
drawstring pajama pants and a t-shirt, I walk into my bathroom to grab
a hairbrush. Everything looks the same with the exception of the
missing door. Brushing the tangles out, I think about Kane's words and
my feelings of revenge. I need to get my story out, not as a punishment,
but as a victory for truth. I need to let the telling be about healing
instead of hurting. I' ve never thought about it that way before. Maybe,
just maybe, I can do this.
Finishing, I walk downstairs to join everyone. They sit silently in the
kitchen, watching my mom and Molly cook dinner. I really can' t
handle the somber mood. After years of my own downtrodden attitude,
I don' t want to go back to this, "What did the boy cantaloupe say to the
girl cantaloupe?" Eli's corny jokes are the only things that come to
mind. Everyone is looking at each other and me. I can tell they are
thinking I' ve finally lost it because they say nothing.
Glancing over at Kane, I say to him, "Ask me what. "
"Uh?" he asks, looking puzzled and a little scared.
Dear Lord, they really do think I'm losing it. Maybe I am with quoting
Eli's jokes. "Say, what," I say, holding my hands up in agitation toward
Kane.
Finally, I see the light bulb go off in his head and he asks me,
"What?"
Looking around the room, I answer, "We are too young, we 'can't
elope'!"
Nothing. They are speechless. My mom stands over the stove with

her mouth open, my dad and Molly look at each other, and Kane, bless
him, he knows what I' m doing. A smile starts to creep across his face.
Well, I started it, so I might as well go all in. Racking my brain over the
millions of stupid jokes, I start again. Directing the next one to Molly, I
ask "Why shouldn't you tell a pig a secret?"
Catching on, she asks, "Why?"
I wink and answer, "Because it will squeal! "
She chuckles, "That is so bad, Jay."
"Trust me, I know," I answer, continuing on with this crazy idea. I ask,
"Where do bees come from?"
My mother pops up, "Where?"
I turn to her smiling face and smile back, "Stingapore."
My mom laughs loudly, and it sounds so good. Deep down, it sounds so
right. "Eli has created a monster," she comments through laughter.
We spend the next hour eating dinner and telling the worst jokes we've
ever heard. My dad even joins in, trying to lighten the situation. We try
to live, beating the enemy the best way we know how, by not letting it
get us down and tear us apart. I'm learning, little by little, each day how
to live this life. I' m growing into a woman that I like, one that, I hope,
is a better daughter, a better friend, and as I look directly at Kane, a
better person, because he deserves the best.

That night, Kane speaks with my father about staying over.
Respectfully, he agrees to sleep in the guest room. He doesn't want to
leave, and he has worked it out with Cole to be off for the next week. I
try to talk him out of it, telling him I' m fine and that I can handle this,
but he won't listen, and well, having him sleeping down the hallway
works for me.
He borrows a pair of my dad's gym shorts and a shirt for the night. Once
my parents go to bed, we lounge on the couch with me in front of him.
His arm is wrapped securely around my waist, and our legs are tangled
together. My fingers glide back and forth over his arms as they
surround me, and I try to concentrate on what is on T.V. opposed to the
feeling of him pressed against me.
We watch some tattoo reality show to numb our minds from the day. At
some point, I hear him lightly snoring behind me, and I can't bring
myself to wake him or move from the feel of his arms. Closing my
eyes, I drift to sleep with him holding onto me for dear life.
At the sound of laughter, I turn my head to see JT leaning against the
wall. I'm still on the couch, but Kane is not with me. JT looks like he

did when we were fifteen, or how I remember him at that age anyway.
His blue eyes shine with mirth. He looks happy, the way he looked
when he had his future stretched out in front of him.
"Do you remember that time we went snow skiing with my parents? "
he asks as his voice squeaks like it did when it was changing.
Sitting up, I pull my knees into me and wrap my arms tightly around
them. "Yes, " I answer, resting my chin on my knees.
"And do you remember what I told you when you were scared to death
of that first bunny slope? "
"You said, 'Put your big girl panties on Jay, and just do it, "' I answer
back. Looking up to stare into those eyes, I realize how much it still
hurts to see him here in my dreams.
" And then I pushed and pushed until I had you skiing like Lindsey
Vonn that weekend. "
He's right. I whined and begged to go inside to sit by the fire in the
lodge, but he wouldn't let me. I smile just thinking about it.
"Next week, when you face him, you know what you have to do? "
I pause. I know what he is going to say, but I want to hear it from him
again.
"Put your big girl panties back on, andjust do it. "
Nodding my head, I agree, but there is so much more I need to say to
him. " I' ve been thinking about you more lately with your birthday
coming up next week. I've missed it for two years, and now, I'll never
get to see another one. I wish you were alive and still in my life as my
friend. I miss you, JT. "
Walking towards me, he sits down on the couch and puts his arm
around my shoulders. I lay my head against him.
Something flutters against my cheek, and not wanting to wake from my
sleep, I swat it away with my hand. Seconds later, I feel it again,
tickling against my neck. Swiping my hand at it, I have no desire to
open my eyes just yet. A masculine chuckle invades my sleepy
consciences,

bringing me awake. Slowly, my eyes open and two green orbs stare
into mine. He lowers his mouth to feather kisses on my forehead,
cheeks, and neck. We are still on the couch, but now, we face each
other and everything is lit with the morning light that shines through
the windows.
"Morning," I say, my voice scratchy from sleep.
"Mmmm," he sounds against my neck as he continues to kiss me.
Our legs are intertwined, our bodies sidled up against one another, and
I can feel how much he craves me. Forgetting exactly where we are, I
slightly reposition my hips so that he is now in the cradle between my
thighs. Oh yeah.... that feels, well, I need to take a deep breath or maybe
a couple little ones. Thinking as one, he presses his hardness into me,
and I wish we weren't fully clothed.
Hazy with desire, I stare into eyes as he makes things me more
sensitive down below. I raise my hips up to meet his, and he lets out a
hiss. Pulling back, he shakes his head as he looks around, realizing
exactly where we are. Damn. I don't want to make out on my parents
couch either, but just two more seconds and...
His husky voice asks in my ear, "How are you this morning, Jay?"
I want him to look into my eyes to see how he affects me as I say,
"Dripping."
Pressing his forehead against mine, he lets out a slow laugh, "You are
so bad. "
"You like it." "Hell yeah, I do."
"Now get up before your Dad comes in here. That will not be fun for
any of us. "
He's right, so I sit up, righting my clothes, and he does the same.
"I'm going to head upstairs to take a shower. We'll decide what to do
today together, okay?"
"K," I say. Until I talk to Agent Morris, I'll stick close to everyone.
Kane heads upstairs, and I walk to the kitchen to grab some orange
juice.
"Good Morning, Jay," my dad says, startling me. He and my mom are
sitting at the table, dressed and sipping on coffee.
"Mornin'," I answer as I walk to the fridge, reaching for the O.J. and
then a glass.

"How are you this morning?" he asks.
I look at him as I take a sip and answer, "Good. " Ok, did my dad see
Kane and me sleeping on the couch this morning? Because if he did,
that would be ridiculously awkward. Again, I'm not down for letting
either of my parents in on any public displays of affection, and that
includes sleeping.
"Agent Morris called and should be here any minute. She needs to
question you about yesterday," my mother says looking at me.
I realize that they are referring to yesterday. Don't get me wrong,
thinking about the events that happened, or almost happened, makes
me sick; however, being held in Kane's arms all night long took some
of the horror away.
"Your mother and I, along with Kane, have decided that from now until
we know he is safely behind bars, you need to be with either Kane or I
at all times. This is non-negotiable, Jay. Just so we are clear." My dad
looks directly at me.
"Dad, I've done some really stupid things these past couple of years.
Trust me when I say I've come to see that, and I'm trying to learn from
my mistakes. I've known for a while that Bruce Branch has some stupid
issues with me." I still can't use words like "obsession." Words like that
are just too creepy and too real. I see him begin to speak, but I hold my
hand up to stop him, "I know; I should have told you guys, but I thought
it was just me being paranoid, and I really thought he wasn' t crazy
enough to do anything to revoke his bond. I have no problem with what
you are telling me. "
He looks surprised at my confession and seems to be weighing my
words.
"Look, I need to get a shower before she arrives. Now, if you both will
excuse me," I say, heading to foyer.
"Jay," my dad calls behind me.
Turning, I look back at him as his cheeks redden.
"I've spoken with your mom, and I know that you have been staying
with Kane some nights. "
Damn it! Here comes the awkwardness. Crossing my arms, I prepare
myself for what he has to say as I talk myself down from

becoming defensive.
"As much as all of our actions have resulted in you being treated like an
adult, way beyond your years, you are still my daughter. With the
extenuating circumstances, I am going to ask Kane to stay here if he
wants," my dad pauses, glaring at me as he continues, "in the guest
room, as a guest. I respect that young man, and I believe that he
respects me. So let's keep it that way, shall we?"
"Yes, Sir." My face flushes from a tad bit of embarrassment, and I head
to my room to get ready for Agent Morris. My relationship with Kane
is not going to be easy; he's an adult, and, as much as my age and
parents say that I am too, it's hard to identify barriers. That's something
we have to work out for the future, but for right now, I want to keep
peace with those that I love.
After showering, I come downstairs and hear everyone talking with
Agent Morris in the kitchen.
"Hi, Jay," she says, rising to her feet. "We can talk here or alone if you
would like. "
Both the male figures in the room stand to voice their displeasure over
the idea of being excluded.
"We can all talk here. If that's okay?" I ask, trying to pacify them. It
must work because they both sit down.
I join Agent Morris as she sits at the table. The questioning begins
immediately, starting with easy queries then moving on to more
difficult subject matter. Basic questions evolve into harder ones about
who I thought was coming in the bathroom after me. Kane reaches over
and grasps my hand, squeezing tightly as my eyes travel to his. Love
radiates from them.
"Jay, we questioned the attendants at the movie theater, and he was
confirmed to have bought the ticket, but once he entered the movie
theater, no one remembers him walking out. Unfortunately, they don' t
remember anyone in particular walking out, so we are stuck on not
having probable cause to revoke his bond. However, I was able to go
back to my supervisor and obtain funding to have his actions monitored
with twenty-four hour surveillance effective immediately. What this
means for you is that he will have a police officer following his every

move, and if, at anytime, we think that we have lost contact, you will be
instantly notified. You shouldn't have to live like a prisoner in your
own home in fear of him. Okay?"
I nod my head because it does make me feel better to know that.
"I wish I could say that next week is going to be easy, but you and I
both know that it' s not. Remember that justice is served by speaking up
and exposing the truth, no matter the outcome. I'll be calling to check in
with you between now and then, but you can call me anytime if you
need me," she says as she stands.
"Thanks, Agent Morris," I say, for once meaning it. I might hate how
she drove me to this point, but I know, with every ounce of who I am,
that testifying is right for me.
My dad asks to walk her out, and my mother follows them both,
listening to whatever my dad is saying. Kane and I are left in the
kitchen with him still gripping my hand tightly.
"We will get through this, and then, we are going somewhere to let this
shit go. That's a promise."
Leaning over, I bring my lips to his and kiss them lightly before pulling
back. "I love you, Kane. "
"Do you?" he asks, gazing into my eyes.
"Yes, like I've never loved anyone before." That is the truth. JT will
always be my first love and the boy that innocent girl loved with all of
her heart. I think about "what if" all the time. If JT would have lived, I
would have tried my hardest to be who he wanted, but I can be honest
with myself now, and say that we wouldn't have made it. I don't think
he realized that the girl he loved died two years ago. If he would have
gotten to know the broken girl, I'm not sure he could have handled it. I'
m not sure I could have watched his fervent love fade.
He stands, pulling me to him and enveloping me in his arms. Holding
me tight, he says, "I could hold you in my arms forever. "
Smiling into his chest, I' m not sure why he is waiting to tell me his
feelings, but again, I'm not going to rush him. I do, however, long to
hear it.

The next day, Eli shows up after school with a different smile lighting
his face. I can tell something has changed, so I'm intrigued from the get
go. I grin as he walks toward me.
"Spill," I say because I can tell that he wants to.
Beaming from ear to ear, he says, "I met someone."
Smiling back, I reply, "Really. Who? When? Where? Details."
"Actually at the mall. He was working in one of the kiosks selling
phone covers. We got to talking, and he asked me out. "
Squeeeing because I can't help it, I grab his neck for a hug. "That is
great. When?"
"Friday night, so I know we were supposed to go see that new movie,
but...rain check?"
"Of course! Don't be crazy. Tell me all about him."
Eli tells me everything he knows about him and their date plans. As he
talks about this new guy, a perma-smile is plastered to his face.
Leaning over, I can't help myself, and I kiss his cheek.
"What was that for?" he says, laughing.
"It's for the guy who helped me find my way because he was just as
beautiful on the inside as the outside. He cared enough for this lost and
broken girl to be her friend and continue, even when she didn' t deserve
it. You should always be happy." My voice breaks with emotion.
"We both are finding our happiness," he says, reaching for me and
pulling me into a one arm hug.
"Yes, we are. Actually, Molly said something about going dancing this
weekend. I need to get out one more time before everything starts up
next week. I' m not sure how the media is going to react with the trial,
so I' m planning on living it up a little this weekend. I know dancing is
not your thing, but if you want to plan to meet up, I'd love to meet him."
"Sure, just text me."
"And," I pause, "Sunday is JT's birthday. I guess I'll take flowers or
something to his grave. "
"It will be tough. I've been there. Do whatever brings you peace
about it. Okay?"

I nod my head saying, "Yeah."
We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening hanging out, only going
out for some burgers. It was the first time I've been out that I didn't feel
like someone was watching me. I don't know if it was coincidence or
not, but knowing that someone was watching his every move made me
feel better. Actually, it made me feel immensely safer.
It' s Saturday night, and everyone is meeting in an hour at O' Malley' s
bar downtown. O' Malley' s used to be my safe place, and I frequented
there a great deal the past two years. Tonight, we are only making good
memories, and Jill, the bartender who I have been friends with for
years, has been waiting to see me. Molly and Reed are picking up Cal
on their way. Eli can't make it, so we agree to make plans for sometime
after the trial ends.
With everyone feeling that the immediate threat of Bruce Branch has
been taken care of, Kane returned home. He still sleeps over when he
stays late, but I am staying at his house tonight because it's closer, and I
figured we would be out late anyway. Walking through the foyer, I
catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.
My dark jeans are skin tight, and the black off-the-shoulder shirt is
super sexy. Both are matched with a pair of black heeled boots, and I' m
ready for a night out. Cradled in my hand is the locket that Kane gave
me. With JT's birthday tomorrow, it only feels appropriate to wear it. I
slip the necklace around my neck, letting it fall against my heart.
Opening the locket, I see his two pictures staring back at me, smiling. I
can't say that he would be happy for me to be with Kane, because he
would want me with him, but I know he would want me happy overall.
A soft smile settles on my face as I close it back.
Watching Kane pull up in the driveway through the window, I grab my
overnight bag and leave, having already said goodbye to my parents for
the night. He smiles through the windshield as he spots me. Opening
the passenger side door before he can, I throw my bags in and sit down.
I

lean over the center console and kiss him, deepening the moment with
my tongue. Pulling back, he grins at me and puts the car in reverse to
head downtown.
"You look hot, Jay," he says to me.
Noting that he has on a long-sleeve blue t-shirt and heavily worn jeans,
my smile grows. There is something sexy about a man dressed
comfortably. "Mmmm.. .I'm not the only one."
His free hand reaches for mine, lacing our fingers together as he drives.
"My house tonight? Right?" he asks, glancing over at me.
"All yours."
His grin overtakes his face, and I melt. I hope I always have this
reaction.
Arriving, we park and look around to see if Reed is here yet, but we
don't see his car. Kane used to bartend here, but even before that, I was
a regular. Between the two of us, we pretty much know everyone, so
we decide to head in and mingle with old friends. The place is packed,
and Coldplay is blaring through the speakers.
"Oh my goodness, look what the cat dragged in. Get over here, baby
girl! " Jill yells from the bar.
She used to be my partner in crime when I trolled for guys, but she was
also my only confidant for a long time. Smiling, I wave at her, and
Kane grabs my hand as we walk over.
"Well if it isn't my two favorite people, together finally," she states as
we near the bar.
Kane and I look at each other in bliss before turning back to her.
Leaning over the bar, I give her a hug. "Hey, Jill. You look great." She
always has.
"Thanks, and so do you. In fact, better than I remember. This hottie
must be rubbing off on you," she says jokingly pointing her thumb at
Kane.
"No, I think it's the other way around," Kane replies as he turns and
kisses me.
My knees turn to jelly, and I' m glad a stool is open because I need to
sit. Kane's lips follow me down, not wanting to stop. "Whew, that is hot
as hell," Jill comments.

With one last nip at my lips, he pulls back and takes a seat on the open
bar stool beside mine.
"What can I get you both to drink?"
Kane orders a beer, and I order a Diet Coke. I notice that Jill smiles at
my order, but she doesn't say anything. I've always had a fake I.D., and
I've used it to drink probably a little too much. My parents confiscated
it at some point, but I don' t really miss it. I don' t need to drink to wash
the pain away anymore. Don't get me wrong though. As I told my
therapist, I like a buzz just as much as the next girl, but it' s different
now. Tonight, I want to be lucid, not for the partying, but for when
Kane takes me to his bed.
Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I turn to see Kane pointing to the door.
Following his finger, I see Molly, Reed, and Cal entering. It's still hard
to see him in his wheelchair, but he's right, it doesn't change who he is.
Now that I have a chance to look around, I see tons of people that I used
to go to high school with. Everyone is talking to Cal as they all make
their way to the bar. I' m sure they are talking about the upcoming
graduation, just another thing he took from me.
Molly leaves Reed and Cal talking to some guys and heads towards me.
She looks magnificent with her red hair and short black mini dress.
Leaning down to hug me, she says, "Hey guys. Sorry we are late. "
Jill returns with our drinks, and we all talk amongst ourselves. The beat
has my body bouncing, and Molly laughs when she sees me.
"C'mon girl," she says, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. "Let's go
get our groove on."
Raising our joined hands over our heads, she leads me to the dance
floor. As soon as we start dancing, Will.i.Am & Britney Spears's new
track "Scream and Shout" plays, and Molly and I automatically look at
each other and scream, "It's Britney BITCH!!" Laughing, I let the
music carry me away to dance with my best friend. We sing the songs
to each other, not caring how we look, acting like fools, and having the
time of our lives.
Several songs later, a slow sexy number begins, and before I can turn, I
sense his presence behind me before I feel him. Spinning around, I land
in his arms and look up to see his face inches from mine. He takes

my lips and my breath, stealing my thoughts and giving me all of him
in return. Moving to the music, letting it direct our bodies and tongues,
we dance. I don't care about anyone around me; if this is what he wants,
he can have it all.
He grips my hips, moving me with him. Breaking his lips from mine,
he brings them to whisper in my ear, "You are happy. " I nod my head
at him, looking into his eyes. "You want to live this life," he states, not
questioning. "Yes."
Closing his eyes, he crushes me to him and takes my lips again to kiss
me profoundly. With a breath, he says, "You love me?"
"Yes, Kane. "
Abruptly, he stops to stare at me, "One hour and we need to go.
Deal?"
"Works for me. "
He lets me go. "Go have fun with your friends. " He turns to walk
towards the pool tables. I see Cole is standing there playing, and when
he sees me, he nods his head smiling.
Redirecting my attention to the dance floor, I see Molly and Reed
dancing together and Cal chatting up some girl in the corner. It may not
be how things should have turned out, but at least we are here. Letting
Molly finish out her dance with Reed, I decide to take a quick bathroom
break.
Once I finish and walk out, I run into a thick broad chest. "Sorry," I say
smiling, until I see the malicious look on his face. I remember him from
high school; I think his name is Grey, or maybe Greg?
"You stupid lying whore. I was hoping I would run into you. You need
to stop spreading your lies about Coach Branch. Do you know how
many lives you have ruined? Coach was going to help me get a college
scholarship this year, but you fucked that up. Not to mention what you
did to JT and Cal. You...." he stops when he sees someone behind me.
Every word he speaks cuts at me, but no longer will I stand for
someone taking up for that rapist.
"That's enough, Grey," Cal calls from behind me.
Looking right at him, I say, "Listen, I'm sorry about your

scholarship, but if you're good enough and have the grades, then that
shouldn't be a problem to work that out for yourself; however, don't
ever," I say, waving my finger in his face, "talk to me about that rapist
again. Because that is exactly what he is. "
"Maybe you need to keep your legs closed," the idiot replies.
"Maybe your highly thought of 'coach' needs to keep his dick out of
sixteen year old girls. "
"That's enough." Kane's voice is low and lethal.
Idiot looks from me to Kane and shrugs before walking away. He was a
big guy, but Kane looks like he holds his own. Smart idiot.
"You okay, Jay?"
Actually, I am. He can think what he wants, but the truth is, I couldn't
control what happened to me or what happened with JT and Cal. So
yeah, I can live with me right now.
Smiling, I look up to show him the truth in my eyes. "I'm okay."
Grabbing me and pulling me to him, he kisses me, only stopping to say,
"Girl, you are driving me crazy with how much you've changed. How
much I needed you to change. "
As we turn to head back, I look down at Cal, and he is smiling also.
"Proud of you, Jay" he says.
I touch his arm and nod. Returning to the where Molly and Reed are
sitting, we all hang out for another hour. Molly and I dance several
times while the guys play some pool. Finally, I see Kane motion his
head towards the door. I say goodbye to my friends, and jog over to
meet him.
In the car, we say nothing, but we never lose contact with one another.
Parking in the garage, he grabs my bags while getting out, and I follow
him into the house and straight to his bedroom. Throwing the bags in
the corner, he turns, reaches for my shirt, and divests me of it. His
hands lower to the button of my jeans as his fingers deftly unfasten it
and slide my pants slowly down my legs, pulling my boots off with
them. Standing in only my panties and bra, he looks at me, slowly
walking around to my backside. Placing his finger against the top of my
neck, he leisurely slides it downwards, stopping only when it touches
the clasp to my bra, which he skillfully undoes.
Continuing with his exploration, his finger heads straight down to

the top of my panties. Chills trail his movement, and my body tingles
with every second of it. Hooking his finger in the elastic, he continues
to trace his finger downwards, pulling my panties with it. Once I' m
completely naked, he walks back to stand in front of me and takes in
my body from top to bottom. I can sense that he wants me to stay still,
so I remain motionless, fighting back the temptation to remove his
clothes.
I' m rewarded when he slowly pulls his shirt up; his eyes locked with
mine. One of his hand drifts over his rock hard abdomen reaching the
top of his jeans, which he quickly undoes. His jeans, underwear, and
shoes come off in one fell swoop. It's so sexy to realize he is undressing
for me and only me. My eyes take in every inch of him, and I mean
every inch. My thoughts start to race on what I want to kiss or lick first.
Decisions, decisions.
My thoughts run rampant just as he brings his hand up to cup my face.
Gazing into my eyes, he leans down, "I love you, Jay. "
My heart jumps. His words heal more that anyone could ever know.
This strong, kind, loving man, can see past the broken pieces and
straight into the heart that continues to beat.
Showering my face with kisses, he continues, "I love you. I love every
part of you. "
He presses me to walk backwards, and feeling the edge of the bed
beneath me, he pushes me down. Using my feet I push to center myself
on the bed. Crawling over me, he kisses every inch starting at my neck
and going down. Every so often, he pauses to tell me how he feels
again, and my body quivers in reaction. I can tell he loves the response,
but it is killing me. He is killing me. Throwing my head back at the
exquisite pleasure his mouth delivers during its exploration, I thrash
about, unable to contain the raging desire within me.
Taking things into my hands, literally, I lean up and tug him towards
me. My hands skim all over him, trying to commit it all to memory and
wanting his image burned behind my eyelids for every time I close my
eyes.
Hearing his voice in my ear, I shudder all the way to my toes, "I love
you so much." The sound of ripping foil only increases the intensity.
He knows I'm on the pill, but he respects me enough to know

that I need the double assurance. His consideration makes me love him
even more, more than I thought was even possible.
"Kane, God, I love you. I love you! " I cry, screaming in want of him,
wanting more.
Moving over me in one swift movement, he enters, sliding all the way
home. We move slow and cautious at first, peering into each other' s
souls. However, we've never done anything slow and steady for long,
so why start now? He rocks harder and faster, enticing moans from me
and bringing me to completion. He follows, kissing me and loving me.
We hold tight to one another, listening as we breathe.
"I've loved you for a while, but I wanted to make sure that you could
love yourself first. I needed to know that Jay, because otherwise, we
never stood a chance. And I want you, love you, and now you're mine.
Forever," he states, staring into my eyes.
Understanding what he is saying, I lean in to kiss him. There are no
words left; he has robbed me of them all.

The clock blinks 6 A.M. beside the bed, and my tired eyes drift to Kane
who is sleeping next to me. His arm is securely wrapped around my
middle, not letting me go, even in sleep. Kane's invasion of me from
last night should have me sleeping as soundly as him, but today is the
day, and my thoughts are already racing.
It' s been seven months since JT died, but today marks his first birthday
after his death. I think of Mr. and Mrs. Higgins and the all-consuming
loss they must be feeling. I have felt it before, too. Kip's heated eyes
flash in my mind, and I can't be mad at him for that. Suddenly, I know
what I want to do, but I need to do it early to avoid running into any of
the family, and I need to do it alone. There's no use in having another
episode like what happened last time.
Reaching over, I try to wake Kane by shaking him and calling his
name.
His eyes blink open, and once he sees it's me, he smiles and says,
"Morning baby," before pulling me closer to snuggle.
"Kane," I say trying to pull back out of his embrace. "Wake up. I need
to borrow your car." That gets his attention because his eyes snap open.
"What?" he asks sleepily.
"Today is JT's birthday, and I want to go to the cemetery."

"Okay, we'll go later. Let's sleep just a little longer." "No, Kane. I want
to go by myself, and I need to go now... before his family goes. "
I see the moment when he finally understands what I'm saying because
he sits up and rubs his face.
"Jay, just let me get dressed, and I'll go with you. I'm still worried about
Branch."
"Listen, we know that he is under twenty-four hour surveillance, and I
haven't had any problems when I've gone out. I'm okay. Really. I need
to do this alone. "
Shaking his head, he replies, "No, absolutely not. I'll just go with you.
There is no need to take that chance. "
"Kane, please look at me." He raises his eyes to mine. "I need to do this
alone. We both understand that, even after I testify, he could be set free.
I can't live my life afraid forever. At least now, we know where he
is."
He sits there for what seems like forever before he sighs and says,
"Okay, but I don't like it. We are calling Agent Morris to double check
where he is at, and I want you back in an hour. Take your phone and I
mean it, Jay. Call me when you get to the graveyard and as soon as you
leave."
Leaning towards him, I kiss his lips and look into his eyes, "I will.
Thanks."
Nodding his head, he doesn't look happy, but I need to do this.
Getting up, I dress in jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I brush my teeth
and fix my hair, pulling it back in a ponytail. I grab my North Face
jacket out of my bag and throw it on. Calling Agent Morris in front of
him, I confirm that Bruch Branch is at his home and was even sighted
two minutes ago getting the paper from the front yard. Kane doesn't
like it, but even he has to admit that this is fine.
Grabbing the keys to his car, I rush off so I can hurry back. I drive
straight to my house, and not wanting to hear grief about being alone, I
sneak in and out without waking anyone. Back on the road, I grip the
offering I retrieved from my room; it's my final birthday present to him.
I raise my hand to grasp the locket hanging from my neck. I'm starting
to

realize the significance of Kane giving me this necklace. I see, now,
just how much he loves me to have been able to understand my need to
let JT go in a loving manner. I had to let him go so there could be peace
to start with someone else.
Approaching the black gates of the cemetery, I pull through them.
There is a light fog that runs low across the ground, giving the already
eerie graveyard a haunting feeling. I almost turn back, but I know the
dead can't hurt me anymore, so I drive on.
I remember my way to his gravesite. As I park, I see it standing strong
between the two trees next to the pond. It's still hard to be here. It tears
at my soul and wounds me over again, but I hold my tears in. I' m doing
this for him. I dial Kane's number, and he picks up immediately.
"I love you and so did JT," he whispers into the phone, saying just the
right thing.
"I'll call you as soon as I'm done, shouldn't be longer than fifteen
minutes. I love you, Kane," I say, meaning it.
"I love you too. I'll be waiting for your call. Come home to me," he says
before disconnecting.
The crisp morning sends a chill all over my body, so I zip my jacket as
I walk to his final resting place. As I near the stone, I am greeted by
mounds of flowers, cards, and two footballs. Reaching them, I bend
down to see that one is signed by the entire team and the other is signed
by Kip and has a note written on it. I can't read it, but it's not for me to
read anyway.
Bringing my own offering out of my pocket, I don't open it up. It's the
first letter he ever wrote me in middle school, the love of a young boy
poured onto a page. It's to show him that I did care, and I saved it
because his love meant something. At one time, his love meant
everything, but now that love will live in my heart forever.
Tears well in my eyes as I place it with the other items. Touching the
tombstone one last time, I whisper, "Happy Birthday. "
As I turn, I freeze from the immediate fear that rushes down my spine.
Bruce Branch's wife stands in front of me, holding a gun and pointing it
at me. Her wild eyes exaggerate her gaunt face. She looks, I don't
know, emaciated? Her bones grotesquely stick out through her

sagging sallow skin. My eyes go to the gun in her hands as it shakes
violently. Her finger is pressed firmly against the trigger.
"Why?" she asks, her voice sounding tired and weary. A pained laugh
escapes her. "You're pretty, I'll give you that, but why a girl when he
had a woman waiting on him hand and foot at home?" The shaking
becomes so bad that she lifts her other hand to steady the one with the
gun. "I didn't want to kill you, but he just won't stop. He was going to
walk free his lawyers said, but no, he had to fuck that up and follow
you."
I gasp at her admission. So he was following me. I didn't imagine
seeing him. Wait, I have to know, "Was he the one who broke into my
house?"
Shaking her head back and forth, she looks right at me, and her evil grin
acts as an outward expression of her inner insanity. "No, no, that was
me. He was sitting across the road, watching your house. I followed
him without him knowing for weeks. Watching him as he was
watching
you."
She lowers the gun for a second, and in that instant I think to rush her,
but she must have read my face, because she brings it right back up.
She keeps wiping the sweat from her brow, making me wonder if she is
physically ill.
"Why wasn't I enough for him?" she whines, continuing, "Maybe I can
be, if you're not here anymore. Damn, why couldn't you just have done
this right yourself the first time when you tried to commit suicide? It
would have saved me all this." She waves the gun in the air while
groaning as if she is in pain.
I need to keep her talking in order to stall long enough that Kane misses
me and comes to find me.
"How did you find me here?"
Wiping her brow again, she laughs, "Well, that was serendipity. You
see, last week, he finally realized that he was being watched. It's not
like the police hid it or anything, and it drove him crazy not being able
to watch you. He's watched you for years, he gets off on it. I thought
having our babies would break this sick obsession, and I think for a
while, it did. Then he came home one day, and I could see it in his eyes:

a want and need that I could never replace, only you, James. This
morning, the babies were out of milk, so I drove by the market and just
guess who I saw drive past me?"
Dear Lord, I never knew. What did Coach Branch plan for me?
Looking at her, I know I have to fight. I didn't survive my hell to die
like this. I' m going to live.
"You don't want to do this. Think of your children. You will go to jail
forever. "
"Jail, little girl? I live every day in Hell, so jail would be a vacation. But
no, I don't think anyone would ever guess it was me. I drove out to get
milk and then drove back home. I can then tell my husband that you are
no longer a problem. No James, no trial, no jail. All my problems
solved." She looks over at JT's grave then back at me. "Say hello to JT
for me," she says a second before I see the resolution on her face to pull
the trigger.
Everything happens so fast. One moment I close my eyes, knowing I' m
too late to do anything but drop to the ground, and the next, I hear blast
of the gun. Its harsh resonance shatters the silence, but it's her grunt of
pain that causes me to open my eyes. At the same moment, I feel
someone set fire to my neck.
I watch as Kip rolls on top of her, wrestling the gun from her hands and
screaming at her to stop fighting. He looks over at me, and I see horror
wash over his face. "Jesus, Jay!"
Reaching up to pat the flames on my neck, I pull back when wetness
coats my hand. My fingers begin to tremble, and looking down at them.
I watch as the thick red fluid drips to the ground, pooling at my feet.
My body begins to shake as I realize what it is. Blood. My blood.
"Damn it, Jay. Grab the fucking gun!" Kip's voice yells.
His words finally penetrate my mind, making me walk on my knees
toward the gun. Reaching it, I pick it up with my hand and turn to see
that Kip holding her down and straddling her body. Scratches mar his
face and fresh blood trickles down his cheeks. Her cries of anguish fill
the air.
"Jay, listen to me."
I look at him, but everything is muddled, going in and out of focus.

"You can't go into shock on me, and ah hell, it looks like you're losing a
lot of blood. Do you have your cell phone?"
Phone. Phone. Do I have my cell phone? In my pocket, maybe? My
neck, oh my God, it burns. Tears fall down my face from the pain, and I
realize that I' m sobbing. I have to call for help. Willing myself, I put
the gun down and reach into my pocket. Bringing it out, I dial 911.
"911....what's your emergency?" the operator asks.
My voice won't come out at first. I try to speak, but I can't. I start to
panic. Seeing the look on my face, Kip speaks up.
"Calm down, Jay. Just tell them where we are at JACKSON HEIGHTS
CEMETERY," he yells. "SEND HELP!! We need an ambulance and
police, Jay Stevenson has been shot. HURRY!
My head feels fuzzy and it's getting heavier. My mouth feels full of
cotton balls. I blink my eyes, trying to stay lucid, but it's hard to focus
on what Kip is saying. Falling to the ground, I lie there and think about
my life. Kane. I don't want to leave him, or my mom and dad, Molly,
Reed, Eli, Cal. I don't want to leave any of them.
Looking over at Kip, I say through the tears, "Tell them I love them all.
That my life was worth living, because of them." Closing my eyes, I try
to take a deep breath, but the pain robs me of it. Opening them back up,
I look towards JT's grave and speak to Kip, "I loved your brother,
always. I would have died that night for him. I tried to stop him from
leaving that night, Kip. I swear I did, and then I tried to follow him, but
now I'm glad I didn't. I am so sorry."
Shutting my eyes one last time, I can't feel much of anything as the pain
drifts away. I hear Kip yelling in the background, and the sounds of
sirens fall in behind him. I wish I could choose the path of life again. I
should have always chosen the path of life.

Do you want to know what Heaven looks, smells, and sounds like? It' s
white and sandy with a view of clear blue ocean water as far as the eye
can see. It smells like coconut tanning oil, heated from the sun and
rising from bronzing bodies. And the sound? Well, it's the lap of the
waves as they crash against the beach, and most importantly, it' s the
sound of the man next to me as he tells me how much he loves me.
It' s been three months since Lisa Branch shot me; luckily, she only
grazed my neck. If Kip hadn' t decided to visit JT' s grave so early that
morning, I wouldn' t be here. I thought I was dying, and that was the
most agonizing five minutes of my life. I thought about everything
prayed to have it back. You see, I finally realized that life is what you
make it. If you make it hell, then that' s exactly what you will have.
Sometimes we can't control what happens to us, but we can control
what we do from that point forward. I still see my therapist, take my
medication, and I deal with depression every damn day, but I can make
that day worth living or not. It's my choice and my path to choose.
"Would you like another drink, senorita? " the waiter walks by asking.
"Yes, I would please. The same," I reply, shading my eyes to look up at
him.
I look down my bikini clad tan body as I sit up in my lounge chair. Only
one ear bud is in so I can listen to Rhye's new single that is ruling

the iTunes charts. He called to check on me in the hospital, keeping it
short and simple, but he promised to keep in touch. Grabbing the
suntan lotion, I pour a small amount into the palm of my hand,
preparing to coat my body again.
"Babe, can you rub some on my back?" Kane asks from the chair
beside me
He is stretched out on his belly in nothing but his swim trunks and
sunglasses. The sight of his muscular back and, oh that ass. Yes, I still
can't get over his ass; it lights my body up every time. Unable to help
myself, I lean over and kiss his shoulder, nipping it with my teeth.
He jerks away laughing, "Now, Mrs. David, that wasn't very nice. I
haven't had you long enough to get your shots yet."
It feels like a million butterflies are set loose in my stomach as I think
about what we did before flying here. My family and friends are going
to kill me, but Kane asked, and when it comes to him, he pretty much
gets whatever he wants. So, we made a tiny stop in Vegas. Holding my
ring finger up, I stare in amazement at the diamond he bought me and
the matching band. Glancing over at his hand, I smile seeing his band,
proving that he is mine.
"Well, if I have rabies, then you're already infected, Mr. David." We
both laugh. "When do you plan on telling my dad?" Kane adamantly
states that he needs to be the one to smooth things over with my parents
about our impromptu ceremony, but honestly, I don't think anyone will
be surprised.
After I was released from the hospital, I went straight to Kane's house,
to live. We were inseparable for the first month. Bruce Branch' s trial
was postponed because of the new investigation of Lisa Branch.
Evidently, she admitted everything she knew about his sick obsession
with me and even had letters that she found that he never sent. With all
the new incriminating evidence, they both were apprehended and
placed into custody without bail. My testimony may not even be
needed, but I' m willing and ready if it is.
So, after all that we had been through, I explained to my mother and
father that I needed to be with Kane. Tomorrow isn't promised, and
well, I really wasn't asking for their permission. Looking down at my

arm, I read "Carpe Diem" which is tattooed on the inside of my left
wrist. For me, life is all about remembering to seize the day and never
looking back. My parents weren't happy, but now, our lives are about
acceptance. They've gotten pretty good at it. My mother has returned to
running the business, and she's happy. My dad and I are working on our
relationship. We still have a long way to go, but we are getting there.
Molly and Reed are getting ready to go their separate ways for college.
I don't know how to help her, but I see the pain she is in. I'm probably
not the best person to talk to either because I'm telling her to go with
him. Love is what is important in this life. Screw her scholarship; she
can apply and get into somewhere closer to him. She's thinking about it.
Cal is going to the University of Georgia in the fall. I can't say that I' m
not sad for him when I think about his childhood dream of playing
football there, but I know he's planning for his future, and that's all that
matters. He is also dating this really sweet girl, and I haven't had to beat
her down yet, so that's good. Eli is working for Kane's company this
summer, and then he will be attending the local community college
with me until he decides what he wants to do. He is still single, but I
know he' ll find the right one someday.
"Want to go for swim? " Kane asks as he rises up from his chair,
reaching for my hand.
"Yeah," I say, grabbing hold of him and letting him pull me up.
I lean in and up to kiss his lips. Wrapping my arms around him, I
whisper, "I love you. "
Smiling, he looks down at me and squeezes tight. "I love you," he says,
capturing my lips with his and kissing the living daylights out of me.
Pulling away, he loosens his grip and takes a step back. "Think you can
catch me?" he says with a twinkle in his eye. "I think I already have," I
reply, grinning.
He laughs and takes off for the water. Looking back, he snickers and
taunts me. Does he really think I'm going to run after him? Well, he
does look sexy when he's wet, so I guess I'll chase him and this life
forever. Smiling, I take off, running towards my future.

-The End

by
Nicole Reed
COMING SUMMER 2013
Quiet and mousey Kylie has known Trent Moss and Dray Savage since
college. Trent, the smart and kind-hearted humanitarian has had her
heart from the moment they met, but someone else always has his.
Dray is an arrogant and conceited jock who happens to be Trent's best
friend. Their friendship is the result of an instantaneous series of events
that forged an unbreakable bond, one that Kylie never understood.
Five years after graduation, Kylie is commanding the world with a new
image and a successful business; however, she lacks the one thing she
wants and the one thing she can never have. That is, until one fateful
night when a man finds her a little tipsy and a little too honest.
Two men, completely different and poles apart, but together they are
her idea of perfection. One can only offer her tonight and the other
forever, but insecurities threaten to destroy them all. Can Kylie settle
for just one man, or can she have her cake and eat it too?

Shannon ~ You are my everything. Always remember that.
Cannon, Reese, and Madison ~ Thanks for letting Mom do her "thing"
with little fuss. Love you guys!!!
Pam & Dwight ~ I will always be your problem child no matter how
old I get. What matters most, is that I know you'll always love me
anyway.
Lynn ~ Where do I start, because you're in EVERYTHING that I do. I
love you beyond words. My biggest champion and confidant. Thank
you for believing in me. Oh, and Monk...I still haven't forgotten about
you.
Trina ~ You will never know how much I've come to love and respect
you. You have been my calming voice when I get a little (okay...a lot)
crazy. You've saved me from myself so many times. I know that you
love my characters as much as I do and that means the world to me.
Trina' s family...thank you for sharing her. You' re one lucky bunch.
Erin Noelle~ I've always had faith in you and knew you could do it. I' m
so proud of you!! I pray that all good things come your way!!! Show
them what you got!!! :)
Ela ~ I know you're always there for me. Thanks, Girl!!!
Christan ~ Thanks for the awesome cover photo you took for Ruining
You. Keep pursuing your dreams and everything will work out.
Erinn Giblin at Yours Truly, The Editor ~ Luckiest day when I found
you. I let you hold my books for the first time and trust you to take care
of them. You clean them up and make them shine. Not enough "thanks"
exists in this world. Thanks for the all-nighter!!!
Mollie Kay Harper ~ "WHAT THE HELL!!!!" Those three words

changed my life without a doubt. Thank you for being so supportive of
me. No matter if you like another book I write, you will always hold a
special place in my heart.
Flirty and Dirty Book Blog ~ D & N...thank you for supporting indie
authors like you both do. It's amazing and I'm so appreciative.
Denise...you have been in my corner from the beginning and I can' t tell
you how much that means. Thank you for being there!!
Sarah at Okay Creations ~ Thank you for creating awesome covers!!
Julie at JT Formatting ~ Thanks for rocking these formats out.
Vicki Underwood & Josh Reed ~ Thank you both so much for being
my fountain of knowledge about the criminal justice information.
Thanks for taking all the calls and late night text!!! Best mother-in-law
and brother a girl could have!!!
And to all the bloggers and readers out there. YOU.....You keep
me going. Thank you for all the love, support, and well wishes. YOU
ALL ROCK!!

-Ute kft&m
I love angst....I thrive on it, but only the fictional kind. I adore a story
that grips the reader from the beginning and doesn't let go...EVER. I'm
an avid reader who just recently discovered my love of writing. My
favorite things in life include my three wild & crazy kids, Reeses
Pieces, and every genre of music.
Please come find me:

http://nicolreed.wordpress.com/

Or

http://www.facebook.com/ruiningme