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on June 6th, 2013, based on

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6739589/

The content in this book is copyrighted by SoapyMayhem or their authorised
agent(s). All rights are reserved except where explicitly stated otherwise.

This story was first published on February 13th, 2011, and was last updated on
October 11th, 2011.

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated - please email any bugs, problems,
feature requests etc. to

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Summary

Complete - After saving herself for that one special guy only to have him turn her

down, Bella is on a mission to lose her virginity. Can the lucky guy she chooses hang
on to her, or will he lose everything in her game? High School Drama

- 4 -

Chapter 1

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the
author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers
of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N This is going to be a short read with some lemons and a generous helping of

angst. It will be a novella of sorts. The chapters will be short, around 1,000-1,500
words. I anticipate this story lasting maybe 10-12 chapters.

After years of saving herself for that one special guy only to have him turn her

down, Bella is on a mission to lose her virginity. Who will be left in the wake of her
destruction?

Chapter 1 ~*Lost*~

~* Bella Swan *~

I was in love.

He was everything I ever wanted in a man. I loved his messy hair, his bright eyes,

his confidence, and not to mention his mouth. Christ, he was a good kisser.

I've wanted him for so long, feeling jealous every time he had a new skank

wrapped around him. They were tramps and unworthy of his affection.

What gave me hope was that I'd seen the way he looked at me from time to time –

like I was something to eat. I wanted him to devour me.

That was why, on Friday night, I found myself walking into Mike Newton's house

for his annual Halloween party.

Mike greeted me at the door, gawking like an idiot, as usual.

"Hey, Bella, when are you gonna give me that dance you've been promising me for

- 5 -

the last three years?" Mike asked hopefully.

"Tonight of course, Mikey," I replied while ruffling his gelled hair. God, he made

an awful vampire.

I had no intention of dancing with Mike, but if I didn't agree, he would have

trapped me in the doorway, begging until the party was over.

Before I was even ten feet in the door, Lauren rushed me. Her long, corn silk hair

nearly swatted me in the face. She looked as fake as ever in her hot pink Barbie
costume. I wanted to gag, but she was, after all, my best friend.

"Oh my God, Bella, that is the best costume ever!" she shrieked excitedly.

"Oh this old thing," I said cheekily while spinning around to present my custom

designed - and rather expensive - Red Riding Hood costume. I wore a black bandage
dress, kitten heels, and a blood red hood made from thick, soft velvet with a brocade
trim. It was perfect.

My costume was not without symbolism. My intent was to tempt the wolf, let him

see my desire to be devoured by him.

I caught his gaze from across the room. The moment our eyes locked, I knew

tonight was my night. I had been saving myself for him; just for the chance to show
him how different I was than the band of skanks and fangirls that followed him like
lost puppies.

I wanted him to play me the way he played his guitar - like a lover. I wanted to be

his muse.

He licked hips lips. He was hungry.

He was hungry for me.

My heart was racing, almost pounding out of my chest.

The crowd parted as we gravitated towards each other.

He eyed me appreciatively with dilated eyes.

It took everything in me not to do a victory dance when he possessively placed his

hand on the small of my back.

- 6 -

I wasn't surprised when, an hour later, he'd already taken me to one of the

upstairs bedrooms. This was it!

One hand was on my breast, the other inside my red satin thong. He slipped two

fingers in, and I felt myself tense from the pressure.

"Bella, what the fuck?" he spat.

His anger was like cold water being thrown on me.

"What's wrong?" I practically whimpered.

"I can tell. You're a virgin. That's what's wrong. Everyone knows, I. Don't. Do.

Virgins," he replied icily. The chill from his tone froze the blood in my veins.

Why didn't I know this? I'd made a point to know everything about him, and this

little tidbit, the most consequential piece of information EVER, and I'd failed to be
aware of it. For fuck's sake, I'd been saving myself for him. I wanted him to be my
first.

The devastation on my face must have gotten to him because his eyes softened,

and he placed his hand under my chin to hold my gaze.

"Come find me when you've lost it, maybe I'll give you another chance," he offered

kindly, and then placed a gentle kiss on my lips. I simply nodded, while fighting back
the tears that threatened to spill out.

He left me in the dark room alone. I didn't cry. I couldn't. I was Bella Swan, I was

not weak, and I certainly didn't cry over a boy, at least not in public.

By the time I was back downstairs, he already had another skank in his lap. He

caught me looking, and winked. I couldn't help the blush that spread across my
cheeks from his attention, and at the same time, a sickening feeling rooted itself in
my gut. Something akin to jealousy, I supposed. Maybe it was betrayal.

I left the party early because I couldn't stand to see him take her upstairs to the

room that should have been ours.

That night, when I got home, I formulated a plan.

It had to happen quickly because Lauren was hosting the next party soon.

- 7 -

I had two weeks to lose my virginity, and finally, after three years of waiting and

wanting, James Hunter would be mine.

Please review, and let me know what you guys think!

It's awards season, and much to my surprise Confessions of a Serial Killer has

been recognized by The Shimmer Awards as a nominee in the Blood Award category
for Best Horror. I would like to thank those who nominated this story as well as
Confessions of a Love Sick Geek for the Outtake Award for Best Comedy and
Undisclosed Desires for The Quickie Award for best O/S and a Golden Lemon for
Best Group Sex.

I have been working on my High Times Anonymous Contest submission hosted by

Yogagal and AngstGoddess003. Please head over and check out all the lovely stories.
When all the stories are posted, I'd love to hear your ideas on which one you guys
think is mine.

Thanks again and I wish everyone a happy Valentines Day!

- 8 -

Chapter 2

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

A/N This is going to be a short read with some lemons and a generous helping of

angst. It will be a novella of sorts. The chapters will be short, around 1,000-1,500
words. I anticipate this story lasting maybe 20 chapters.

Chapter 2 **A Plan**

~*Bella Swan*~

"Bella, you have to tell me what happened!" Lauren screeched irritably through

the phone.

"I don't really want to talk about it," I muttered, dejected.

"Tell me this – why, after half an hour with you, did James take Victoria upstairs?"

she asked, appalled and somewhat accusing. I winced at the mention of his name.

"Fuck, Lauren, you don't give up do you?"

"Bel-la," she groaned pleadingly.

I held back the tears that threatened to burst over the memory. I had to give her

something, but her forked tongue couldn't be trusted, not even with the coveted best
friend status I had so kindly bestowed upon her.

"Fine! So we were up in Mike's parent's room and James and I were kissing,

among other things. We were actually about to do it, but I got a call from my mom,
saying that I had to come home early," I lied easily. I was a good actress.

"Huh," she sighed, sounding disappointed.

- 9 -

She wasn't getting any gossip out of me. My defenses were up like

Fort-fucking-Knox.

"Well, I guess I must have worked him up pretty good if he was desperate enough

to fuck Victoria," I shot back as I felt the bile rise inside just from the thought of my
James with that skank.

"Wow, Bella, I have to say, I initially thought that maybe James might have turned

you down because you're a virgin," she nearly spat the dreaded word that was
currently making my existence a living hell. And there it was - the saccharine sound
of my 'best friend' making me wonder why the fuck I had surrounded myself with
people like her in the first place. Oh, right - it was because I needed to run with the
popular crowd so I would at least be on James' radar.

The bitch knew everything, too. The whole fucking time, she let me believe that I

had a chance with James, knowing good and fucking well that I hadn't taken the
'necessary steps' to be what he wanted, or rather to give away what he didn't want
from me. It was time for damage control.

"You know, I might have thought the same thing if I were you. The funny thing

was, he already knew I was a virgin. He wanted me so badly he was going to make
an exception."

The venom of more lies coated my tongue, leaving me with a bitter taste. I hated

it, but what choice did I have?

I couldn't risk my status or my chances with James. He seemed willing to give me

another opportunity, so I knew if I could secretly lose my virginity sometime in the
next few weeks, Lauren and all my other girlfriends would no doubt have to believe
that I was an exception. I would be the virgin who bedded James, only I wouldn't be
a virgin, and only James and the lucky guy I would fuck to get to him, would be the
wiser. Now, all I had to do was find 'The Guy'.

~*LI*~

1 First things first, 'The Guy'-

2 Must be trustworthy.

3 Not a dog - semi-cute at least.

4 Preferably another virgin.

- 10 -

5 Not popular.

6 Sweet, if possible.

There was a lot of risk involved with this situation. For one, the guy I picked

couldn't tell anyone about us or my rep would be fucked.

He couldn't be gross; I wasn't that desperate.

If he were a virgin, too – well, I wasn't really sure why I had added that rule. It

almost seemed more special for my first time to be with another virgin. Shit, I felt
like I was betraying James by even thinking that. Of course, it shouldn't matter if the
guy was a virgin or not. My James had experience. He would make it good for me. A
silly virgin would be fumbling in the dark and last maybe all of two seconds. I could
have scratched that rule out, but I didn't.

The 'not popular rule' was uber-important. I couldn't fuck guys like Mike Newton

or Tyler Crowley, because the locker room would be buzzing with reenactments of
the noises I made when I came and the color of my thong.

The fifth and final rule was kind of an add-on. I was still feeling the sting of James'

rejection, and I felt I was due a little TLC. I wanted to be worshipped. My virginity
was a gift, whether James wanted the fucking thing or not. Someone was going to
appreciate it.

~*LI*~

Halloween weekend was over quickly, and after my lengthy lie-filled conversation

with Lauren, I had spent the majority of my time coming up with 'the rules'. After
looking through my yearbook for prospects, I'd narrowed them down to a short list
of potential guys. I then listed their status, negative qualities, and cute factor on a
scale of one to ten.

1 Riley Biers - Mathletes President - rumored bed-wetter - *Cute Factor – 6*

2 Eric Yorkie - Band geek - greasy hair - *Cute Factor – 5*

3 Seth Clearwater – Baseball – sophomore ( a little young) - *Cute Factor – 8*

4 Ben Cheney – Science Club – possible girlfriend - *Cute Factor – 6*

I tried to think if there was anyone else when suddenly, I remembered my lab

- 11 -

partner from Biology. I couldn't seem to picture his face. I could only remember
reddish hair and glasses. Aside from the necessary, during the few labs we'd done
together, we'd hardly spoken in the last three months of class that we shared. James
was in that class, so I supposed it was hard to pay attention to the person next to
you when the object of your desire and lust was sitting just two tables ahead.

My lab partner was quiet, though. I didn't know much else about him, but I had a

feeling he could keep his mouth shut. I just needed make sure he wasn't a total dog.
Against my better judgment, I added him to the list.

Edward Cullen – Quiet Lab Partner - ? - *Cute Factor- ?*

~*LI*~

Please review, and let me know what you guys think! Possible EPOV coming up,

that is if you guys want it... Let me know!

Another update coming soon!

It's awards season, and much to my surprise a few of my stories have been

recognized by The Shimmer Awards as nominees, Confessions of a Serial Killer in
the Blood Award category for Best Horror, Confessions of a Love Sick Geek for the
Outtake Award for Best Comedy and Undisclosed Desires for The Quickie Award for
best O/S and a Golden Lemon for Best Group Sex. I would like to thank those who
nominated those story.

I have been working on my High Times Anonymous Contest submission hosted by

Yogagal and AngstGoddess003. Please head over and check out all the lovely stories.
When all the stories are posted, I'd love to hear your ideas on which one you guys
think is mine.

Thanks again and I wish everyone a happy Valentines Day

- 12 -

Chapter 3

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

A/N This is going to be a short read with some lemons and a generous helping of

angst. It will be a novella of sorts. The chapters will be short, around 1,000-1,500
words. I anticipate this story lasting maybe 10-12 chapters.

After years of saving herself for that one special guy only to have him turn her

down, Bella is on a mission to lose her virginity. Who will be left in the wake of her
destruction?

Chapter 3 **Not Invisible**

**Edward Cullen**

"Did you talk to her yet?" Alice asked excitedly while chewing a bite of the

disgusting lunchroom pizza.

I shook my head in the negative. Alice knew bringing her up was a bone of

contention with me. Her questioning only reminded me of my shortcomings, my
inability to formulate, conjugate, and enunciate words in the presence of her. So,
why did she feel the need to torture me?

To the onlooker, I was sure that I often looked like a schizophrenic mime. On more

than one occasion, I found myself reaching to pull out chairs, tap shoulders, and
smooth flyaway hairs, only to chicken out at the last second and retract my shaking
hands. It was because of her; she was beautiful, intelligent, and completely oblivious
to my presence.

I often wondered how someone could sit within a two foot radius of another

person for months and never notice them. Sure, we'd spoken, but she was always
distracted, her answers short, almost absentminded. I'd noticed enough of her

- 13 -

grades to know she wasn't an idiot. She was paying attention to Mr. Banner, but it
was almost as if I didn't exist. To Bella Swan, I was practically invisible.

Her ignorance of my existence and my inability to form a complete sentence made

things quite difficult for me.

"Alice, leave him alone. You know how he gets when you bother him about talking

to Bella Swan," Jasper chided my nosey sister.

"She talked to me today," Ben blurted abruptly.

I furrowed my brow as my surprise turned to jealousy. What the hell made him so

special?

"What did she say?" Alice asked, vibrating with excitement.

I wanted to appear indifferent, but he had information on Bella, and I wasn't that

good of an actor. I leaned toward the conversation.

"She wanted to know if I had a girlfriend!" he whispered loudly. I nearly choked

on my fries.

"What did you tell her?" I said no longer caring to hide my interest.

"What the hell, Edward? Of course I told her about Angela. What do you think?" he

asked appalled. I held my hands up defensively. It never crossed my mind that he'd
intentionally omit his relationship with Angela. I just wanted to know how he
managed to answer her at all. I supposed his ability to speak to her hinged on the
fact that, unlike me, he didn't have a massive fucking crush on her.

"Why do you think she asked that?" Jasper questioned curiously.

"I asked, she deflected by changing the subject, then Lauren Mallory came over

and she and Bella walked off together. It was strange," Ben explained.

There were so many unanswered questions, but they'd have to wait. It was almost

time for the bell that signaled fifth period - Biology. I made a point never to be late
for my favorite class.

I mumbled goodbyes to my friends and emptied my lunch tray. I chanced a quick

glance over to the popular table hoping for an early glimpse of Bella, but she wasn't
there. I wondered if she'd gone to class early.

- 14 -

Moving quickly through the halls, I made it with plenty of time to spare. When the

door opened, the first thing I noticed was the prismatic shimmer glinting off her
silken hair, then the tight blue sweater that scooped low, showing the tiniest sliver
of glorious cleavage. Shit!

The books in my hands were immediately repositioned in front of my tented jeans

like a shield. Fuck, not again!

She was writing furiously fast and looking a bit stressed. My concern for her

lessened the throb in my jeans.

"Edward."

I jumped, startled by the sound of my name. Mr. Banner was waving me over to

his desk. He mentioned something about needing my help with putting together a
class project. I was so distracted I would have agreed to anything in that moment.

In seconds, something in the air shifted. My skin began to prickle with electricity,

and I could feel eyes on me. Mr. Banner excused me to my desk after I agreed to
what - I had no idea. I turned on my heels and began to span the distance to mine
and Bella's table. My grasp on my books tightened as the feeling continued to
assault me.

As the feeling became more intense, I looked up, unable to stop myself from

looking in Bella's direction. For the first time in the last three months Bella wasn't
looking anywhere but right at me, staring even. I felt bare, like she was seeing into
my fucking soul. A blush spread across my cheeks under her scrutiny. Her eyes
widened for a moment before she shook her head and mumbled something under
her breath. I was still too far away to hear her.

No longer feeling like an insect under a microscope, I made it to my desk. The

chair scraped across the floor, causing us both to wince. She looked back up at me
as I was sitting down. It was as if we were both unwilling participants in a staring
match. I had a feeling I would be the victor, as I had spent innumerable hours
staring at her beautiful face.

She blinked twice and then licked her lower lip. Without my permission, my eyes

followed the action, and then mimicked it with my own tongue.

I was still staring at her mouth when I saw her lips part and begin to form words.

It was so easy for her. If I even attempted to open my mouth, I was certain drool
would pour out.

- 15 -

"Hello, I'm Bella, you're Edward right?" she asked sweetly in a silken voice that

flowed over me like silk and honey.

"Shit!" I said before clasping my hand over my mouth.

Before I even had a chance to apologize her lips curled into an amused smile and

she began to giggle.

I couldn't believe it. She giggled, she fucking giggled! I made Bella Swan giggle!

~*LI*~

Another update coming soon! Maybe Tomorrow

It's awards season, and much to my surprise a few of my stories have been

I have been working on my High Times Anonymous Contest submission hosted by

Yogagal and AngstGoddess003. Please head over and check out all the lovely stories.
When all the stories are posted, I'd love to hear your ideas on which one you guys
think is mine.

Thanks again and I wish everyone a happy Valentines Day!

- 16 -

Chapter 4

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Chapter 4 **Prince-Motherfucking-Charming**

~*Bella Swan*~

The drive to school was arduous.

Before last weekend, I had expected today – Monday - to be different. I should

have been deflowered, maybe riding in James' red Mustang with his hand on my
thigh. I would have given him road head, too, but no - I was alone in my own little
car, with my own little hand swiping stray tears from my cheeks and clutching a list
of geeks and underclassmen – would-be toys that I'd use to get to the guy that I'd
wanted since I'd moved to this godforsaken town.

The parking lot was nearly full by the time I arrived. I pulled next to Lauren's car

and watched as she and Jessica exited, giggling conspiratorially. When they noticed
my presence, their squeals could be heard from across the lot. Both girls rushed
over and hugged me daintily, as was their ritual. It was what I'd signed up for when
I joined the 'In' crowd. It was who I was now.

Jessica began blathering about how Mike fingered her at the party, while Lauren

regaled us with the size of Tyler's schlong.

Normally I would interject and chime in with my own little stories. We'd dissect

James' words and glances, but now James was the last thing I wanted to discuss. The
web of lies I had created was too weak; there were too many holes in my story. One
simply needed to ask James, and my house of cards would fall. Thankfully, I knew
Jess and Lauren were too intimidated to talk to him, so that wasn't really an issue.

What I really needed to worry about was James' silence. If Mike, Tyler, Marcus, or

any of the other jocks were to hear of my debacle, they could pass the gossip on to

- 17 -

their girlfriends, or else they'd keep it to themselves so they could use my situation
to get to me first. The self-imposed 'no virgins' rule was unlikely to be shared by his
teammates, and thus I'd be combating unwanted offers left and right. It would be
like my sophomore year all over again.

I broke away from the pack and walked toward first period - A.P. Calculus. None

of my 'popular' friends were smart enough to be in the class, so I mostly kept to
myself. As much as I wanted to try to be friends with people like Alice Brandon,
Riley Biers, or Jasper Whitlock, I couldn't. I had to keep up appearances and my
distance so that I couldn't hurt them - or myself. It would hurt more than just them if
we were to become chummy, only to have to ignore them later when they wanted to
sit by me at lunch. I knew it would be even worse if I had to make fun of them in
front of my friends. I'd hate myself more than I already did if something like that
happened, so it was easier to just distance myself.

I was fucking lonely, but it was the price I paid to get what - or rather who - I

wanted.

The first on my list, Riley, appeared in the doorway, breaking me from my

self-loathing thoughts. Trying to see him with new eyes, I glanced up as he shuffled
awkwardly to his desk.

I watched with rapt attention as he pulled an apple out of his bag and placed it on

the desktop. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when he bowed his head in what
appeared to be a silent prayer over his snack. Damn, I really didn't know what to
think.

His white argyle sweater seemed so fitting - he exuded innocence. I felt like shit

for even considering messing with him, because he just looked too precious. Even
though I was just as much a virgin as he probably was, I was anything but pure. My
mind was corrupted. I couldn't taint him, too.

My conscience was eating me alive, and I had to wonder if it would be like this

with all of them. I felt like a dirty little harlot.

Riley's name was already scratched off my list before the bell could even signal

the beginning of class.

By lunch I'd eliminated Seth Clearwater and Ben Cheney from the list as well.

Seth was really cute, but maybe a little too immature to handle keeping us a secret.
Ben pretty much confirmed my suspicions about him having a girlfriend. In fact, he
bragged about how wonderful she was for nearly five minutes. If I hadn't been so

- 18 -

jealous of his relationship, I might have ooh'ed and ahh'ed over his sweetness.

I had never been happier to see Lauren than I was when she interrupted Ben from

asking me why I was talking to him. I hadn't thought of how to explain my sudden
interest. I excused myself without responding, leaving him confused.

Eric had likely been absent, as his seat in the French class we had together was

empty. For now, Edward Cullen was my only remaining prospect, and I couldn't
even remember what the hell he looked like. In all likelihood, after Biology, I'd be
back to square one. I shivered in disgust over the idea of allowing Mike or Tyler to
help me with my little problem.

~*LI*~

Lunch was a spectacle. Our usual seating arrangements were kept, meaning I sat

with Lauren and Jess, while they were flanked by Mike and Tyler. Across from me
sat James, Alec, and Marcus with Jane and Heidi. The change today was that
Victoria was sitting across James' lap with her goddamn fucking fingers wound
through his silky blonde hair. I suddenly felt like the odd girl out - the only one
without a mate.

Without my permission, my eyes lifted at the very moment James glanced at me.

He smiled and winked, and my face flushed. The whole situation was almost
identical to our little scene from Friday night, except this time James wasn't dressed
as Tony Montana, and Victoria wasn't a naughty nurse. The biggest difference was
the presence of James' leg rubbing mine under the table. I loved when he'd do that
before, but with 'the skank' perched on his undoubtedly hard cock, it just made me
want to fucking vomit. I'd never felt more alone.

At that moment, I couldn't stomach my friends, so I got up and walked to Biology.

After seeing Victoria looking so cozy in what should have been my place, I almost

wanted to rip my list to shreds then kick James in the balls. Fuck! I had to pull
myself together. In my frustration, I pulled my list out and began scribbling on it and
amending it angrily.

1 Riley Biers - Mathletes President - rumored bed-wetter - *Cute Factor – 6* TOO

GODDAMN INNOCENT!

2 Eric Yorkie - Band geek - greasy hair - *Cute Factor – 5* NOT FUCKING HERE!

3 Seth Clearwater – Baseball – sophomore ( a little young) - *Cute Factor – 8* TOO

- 19 -

DAMN IMMATURE!

4 Ben Cheney – Science Club – possible girlfriend - *Cute Factor – 6* OBSESSED

WITH HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!

5 Edward Cullen – Quiet Lab Partner - ? - *Cute Factor - ?* IF HE KNOWS

WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM, HE BETTER BE
PRINCE-MOTHERFUCKING-CHARMING!

~*LI*~

I heard his name before I saw him. Mr. Banner called him over to the desk to

discuss something. It sounded as if he was asking for Edward to see if his father
would speak to our class for some reason.

While he was otherwise occupied, I used the opportunity to appraise him. He had

a nice build – tall, lean, broad shoulders, not too muscular. His clothes were a bit
plain – loose fitting jeans, and a grey and blue plaid shirt unbuttoned over what I
assumed was likely a t-shirt. His hair was the color of a new penny. 'Pretty' was the
first word that came to mind. I nearly snorted in reaction to thinking his messy
penny-colored hair was fucking pretty.

Before Banner could dismiss him, I readied myself. Just in case. No one was

looking, so I adjusted my tits and smoothed my hair.

My breath caught in my throat when Edward turned around. The thick black

frames and his downward gaze hid his eyes from me, so I focused on his mouth. I
found his lips pursed slightly in a pout, and his jaw was a bit tight, but what a jaw.
Sharp and covered with light stubble, it was practically lickable.

Suddenly, I felt the atmosphere change like an electric current. I wondered if he

felt it too when I noticed a blush spread across his cheeks. He'd seen me ogling him.

When he was closer, I could finally see his eyes. Green, like spinach or broccoli,

but most definitely less gross - actually the fucking opposite of gross. Quite simply,
he was sexy, in a nerdy sort of way.

"Cute factor - fucking 10," I mumbled accidently.

Suddenly, I wondered how in the hell I'd spent the last three months next to this

cutie without even noticing him. Oh, yeah… my head had been too far up James' ass
to notice anyone else. My grades in Biology only further proved my theory, as I was

- 20 -

barely making an A. Unlike all my other classes, the ones I didn't share with James, I
was at the top of the class.

I needed to stop being so bitter about him. I had a feeling that his little game of

footsie at lunch was his way of telling me we were still on. Well, as soon as I took
care of my little problem, that is. I pushed back my anger for later contemplation.

Edward was close, and I cringed at the sound of his chair scraping across the

floor. His eyes were on me, and I could quite literally feel them. Unintentionally, I
glanced up at him, which was a huge mistake. Our eyes, like magnets, kept us from
looking away. The image of his tense jaw flashed in my mind and the urge to lick
him returned with full force. As I moistened my own lips, I stifled the groan that
wanted to slip out as he mimicked the action with his own tongue. This had to stop,
or else I was going to make a fool out I myself. Besides, a proper introduction was in
order since, to Edward I had practically been a non-existent lab partner.

"Hello, I'm Bella, you're Edward right?" I said softly.

His eyes went wide, and his mouth began to open and close like a fish out of

water.

"Shit," he finally said after a few seconds before clasping his hand over his mouth

in shock. No introduction, just 'Shit'.

I laughed because he was too adorable. I laughed because, even though I'd had

the most awful fucking day and the most disappointing weekend in my existence, I
simply couldn't help it.

I reminded myself to update my list.

Edward Cullen – potty mouth lab partner – awkward – *Cute Factor – FUCKING

10*

~*LI*~

Thanks for reading! Another update will come soon, by the weekend for sure.

Then there will be a quick break while I work on Chapter 15 of Confessions of a
Love Sick Geek. I will try to squeeze in a update or two if I can, then updates will
pick up again regularly.

- 21 -

Thanks for the lovely reviews! Keep them coming!

The Losing It banner has been posted to my profile if you'd like to see. I am going

to try to make a Losing It Edward banner that will feature a super cute Geekward
with glasses, and post it along with my next EPOV. Probably this weekend.

Thanks!

- 22 -

Chapter 5

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Chapter 5 **Interaction**

~*Bella Swan*~

"Shit," he finally said after a few seconds before clasping his hand over his mouth

in shock. No introduction, just 'Shit'.

I laughed because he was too adorable. I laughed because, even though I'd had

the most awful fucking day and the most disappointing weekend in my existence, I
simply couldn't help it.

I reminded myself to update my list.

Edward Cullen – potty mouth lab partner – awkward – *Cute Factor – FUCKING

10*

After his case of word vomit, Edward's eyes were wide and sparkling with both

excitement and embarrassment. He was just too cute. I looked at him in a way that
was expectant, just waiting for him to greet me properly. Finally, after a few
seconds of gawking, he mumbled something unintelligible.

"What?" I asked him, amused by his adorable anxiety.

"I… s-said s-sorry, and yes my name's… I'm Edward."

He stumbled over his words nervously, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was

because of me, or if he was just awkward in general. I didn't want to intimidate him,
but I kinda liked the idea that I could be making him nervous. I hoped, if anything,
that his reaction meant that he was as attracted to me as I was to him. At that
thought, my mood became much more optimistic. I might lose my virginity in time

- 23 -

after all.

"Listen, I'm sorry we haven't spoken much before. I tend to get a bit… distracted,"

I explained, hoping he wouldn't want me to elaborate. He simply nodded as if he
didn't know how to respond. I genuinely felt bad for not making more of an effort to
talk to him in the past, but then it all came back to me and my rules. I had to
remember that Edward was not a part of my world. He was someone I could hurt,
and that was why I couldn't be friends with someone like him.

I had to be careful, as the situation was delicate. If I was going to try to have sex

with Edward, then I couldn't lead him on. There was no way I was going to mislead
and hurt him. With that in mind, I decided that I'd be completely honest about what
I wanted and what he should and shouldn't expect from me - which was that I
couldn't be his girlfriend. Maybe it would be lovely, hell even amazing, but
ultimately James was my choice. He had to know that I couldn't forsake James. I'd
make him aware ahead of time that whatever we did would have to be 'no strings
attached'. That is, if he even wanted me.

Other students started to file in to the classroom as the start of class drew closer,

so before he could comment on my apology, I set my plan in motion.

"Edward, I need to talk to you about something, but not here in class. Could you

meet me after school?" I asked hesitantly.

I was a little nervous, but I didn't allow my façade to slip. The urge to bite my

lower lip in anxiety was effectively resisted - no weakness.

His face showed surprise, but rather than the excitement I'd expected, he

appeared suspicious, cautious even. I supposed I couldn't blame him for the
reaction. He probably assumed I wanted to cheat off his tests or use him in some
way. I winced slightly when I realized that I actually did intend to use him. Before
the guilt could eat away at me, I reminded myself that most guys were horny and
rarely looking for commitment, so maybe it would okay because we would both be
using each other. The idea made me feel a little better.

"Umm, okay…" he said, still cautious and fidgeting slightly. His brow creased, and

I found myself wanting to soothe away the anxiety and suspicion.

"Hey, relax. It's nothing to do with school or anything that will get you into

trouble. It is something kind of personal, though." I smiled and placed a hand over
his in reassurance. His eyes widened in reaction to the contact. It felt too intimate,
so I pulled away quickly, almost as if I'd been burned.

- 24 -

"Okay, umm… where do you want to… umm meet me?" he asked nervously, still

eyeing his hand, but the suspicion was gone. The change in his expression only
confirmed my theory that his assumption was that I wanted something nefarious, or
else to make him do my homework or something. He probably thought I was a total
moron.

From the outside, I imagined that I probably seemed to be just as shallow and

materialistic as Lauren or Jessica, but I wasn't. I was passionate and intelligent, but
the more I thought about it, the more I realized that no one, except maybe my
parents and my old friends from Phoenix, really knew that part of me. Trying not to
be consumed by the depressing turn my thoughts had taken, I focused on Edward. I
needed to get my mind back on the plan.

"Do you have a car?" I asked.

"Huh… Oh, umm yeah," he confirmed, seeming confused by my inquiry.

"Okay then, can you meet me at the park at 4:30 p.m.?" I then scribbled down my

number on a scrap of notebook paper and passed it to him.

His brow furrowed as he read the note over and over, as if he couldn't believe it

existed. Finally, he looked to me for confirmation that I'd actually given him my
phone number. I shrugged, hoping to appear nonchalant so he wouldn't make a
bigger deal out of it than it was.

"In case you're gonna be late or if you need to cancel," I explained.

"I'll be there," he whispered, almost as if he were commanding to himself. His

voice was low, but I'd heard him.

Suddenly my attention was diverted in the direction of the door. Again, the

atmosphere changed. As James walked in, the calm comforting hum I'd been feeling
in Edward's presence melted away into the oh-so-familiar intense and stressful
feeling that I always had in his. As if on instinct, I sat straighter and subtly preened
myself, losing focus on the cute boy to my right. He was still there in the back of my
mind, but James had consumed all other thoughts.

Once he noticed me, he grinned like the cocky bastard that he was and gave me

his signature wink. To me, it meant we shared a secret. He was giving me signs to
indicate that he still wanted me. I smiled back in return, unable to stop myself.

I hadn't realized that Edward was still speaking to me until I noticed James

- 25 -

expression change. Looking in Edward's direction, James' eyes narrowed studiously,
he was sizing up the competition. I wondered fleetingly if Edward might come in
handy for more than just meeting the needs of my plan. The idea that he might be
able to inspire jealousy in James was an exciting concept.

Once I'd followed his gaze to Edward's face, I saw that his lips were moving. It

took me a second to realize he'd asked me a question.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked sheepishly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw James sit

in his seat and begin talking to Tyler.

"I asked if you wanted me to bring anything. You know, like snacks or something?"

he offered thoughtfully.

"Oh, well that's really nice. Umm, sure bring whatever. I'm not really picky."

He grinned and nodded excitedly. I couldn't help but smile back at his happiness.

Shit, I hoped he didn't think this was a date.

~*LI*~

Thanks for reading! Another update will come soon.

Please leave your twitter name in the reviews so I can follow you! I am

SoapyMayhem

Please check out the story banners by me and the awesome new blinkie by ange

de l'aube

Thanks for the lovely reviews! Keep them coming!

- 26 -

Chapter 6

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Chapter 6 ~* The Park *~

**Edward Cullen**

"You're joking right?" Emmett asked dryly, his eyes filled with disbelief.

"Of course he isn't, look how happy he is!" Alice shrieked animatedly.

Certainly, the almost manic change in my mood was something she'd pick up on. It

was a rather normal occurrence for me to brood. For instance, there was a whole
summer in which my immature younger brother had taken up calling me 'Emo-boy'.
Eventually, he stopped, but I assumed it was only because he'd simply forgotten. I
wasn't eager to remind him.

"Swan's fucking hot though. How did you manage to get a date?" Emmett

questioned while snacking on a crabstick.

"I already told you. It isn't a date. She just wants to talk to me about something," I

reminded them irritably. If I was being honest, I needed to be reminded of that fact
myself. Indifference was not one of my strengths. Even through my irritation there
was a smile plastered on my face. My expression alone was enough to raise
suspicions with my family, not to mention make my cheeks hurt a little.

"What do you think she wants to talk to you about?" Alice asked.

"I don't know. I mean, I was suspicious at first because I thought maybe she was

messing with me. I suppose I can't really rule that out as a possibility either, but it
almost seemed like she wanted my help or something. Though, I have no idea what
she could possibly want from me."

- 27 -

"Edward, don't talk like that. You're a great person, she'd be lucky to have you."

Alice was always my biggest cheerleader, and even though she wasn't my sister by
blood, we shared a familial bond.

"You have to say that, you're my sister." I teased earning a playful slap on the arm.

Her compliments made my cheeks redden with embarrassment, and unfortunately

feel hopeful, which was stupid. I was hardly able talk to Bella, so unless I could
magically grow a shiny new pair of brass testicles in the next hour, I needed to face
the facts. This is not a fucking date, asshole.

Emmett climbed down from sitting on the counter just as our mother entered the

kitchen.

"I saw that. You know the rules, Emmett," my mother chastised while finishing

dinner. Emmett went to work cleaning off the counter he'd been sitting on. Alice and
I chuckled.

When I checked the clock, it was already 4:08 p.m. and I hadn't eaten yet. Mom

was putting the finishing touches on dinner, and if I stopped to eat I'd be late to
meet Bella.

"Mom, can I take mine to go? I'm gonna be late meeting someone," I asked quickly

hoping she wouldn't probe into my sudden urgency.

"Who?" she asked.

"No one…" Her cocked brow told me that resistance was futile. "…fine. Bella

Swan."

"Oh?" she asked with twitching lips, unsuccessfully feigning indifference. She was

about as good an actor as I was.

"It's not a date. We're just… studying together. Also, I told her I'd bring some

food, so…" My pout always worked on Mom. Immediately, she set to work packing
up enough sushi for two of us in some containers.

"You do want it to be though, don't you?" she asked after a couple minutes of

silence.

"Want what?" I questioned, while grabbing a few cans of Coke for the two of us.

- 28 -

"To date her."

"Mom! I'm gonna be late," I groaned petulantly, pleading for her to drop the

subject.

~*LI*~

The park was close by, so it took me less than five minutes to get there. Once I'd

spotted Bella's sporty red Camaro in the parking lot, my pulse began to race. The
clock read 4:28. Fuck, she's beautiful and punctual.

After I'd parked my car, I glanced around the area looking for her. My mouth went

dry the moment I saw. She was alone and sitting on a nearby park bench.
Immediately, I was caught off guard when I noticed the state she was in. The crease
between her brows revealed her obvious anxiety and was only made more prominent
by the stiff posture she maintained. For the first time, I saw her smoking. Even
though I'd sat next to her in class for months, I had no idea she smoked. She always
smelled wonderful.

Where cigarettes where concerned, usually the vice would be a complete turn off.

The thing was, I liked her too much to let a one little bad habit change my feelings.

Not wanting to startle her, I spoke her name in a hushed voice.

"Bella."

She tensed for a moment before relaxing her posture. My perception of her

emotions had changed immensely in a matter of seconds. It was like she'd turned
nearly a complete 180. All her previous stress seemed to have magically
disappeared and she was smiling at me. My breath caught. I wasn't sure if it was
because of me she was able to relax or if she was simply putting up a good front.

"Hey, Edward, I really appreciate you meeting me," she said smiling sweetly,

while patting the seat next to her on the bench in invitation. With my small cooler in
hand, I sat in her proffered seat.

"What did you bring us? I'm starving."

"Uhh… umm, sushi?" I asked more as a question than an answer.

"Really?" she asked in mild shock.

- 29 -

"Yeah… I mean, that's what my mom cooked for dinner. I hope that's okay," I

explained in weak defense.

"Well, yeah… I love sushi. I was just surprised, that's all," she replied giving me a

small smile, and then further explained. "My mom doesn't cook anything unless she
can make it in a microwave or a crock pot."

"I guess, my mom does have a flare for the exotic," I grinned and began opening

the containers. While watching her expression carefully, I passed one to Bella. Her
eyes lit up with obvious hunger. I couldn't help but wish she'd look at me with the
same desire.

For a few minutes, we sat eating in deafening silence. Bella seemed at ease, but

from the way she changed after I arrived, I was starting to wonder if her sudden
cheeriness was all an act. The need to know what was bothering her was driving me
insane.

"Why am I here?" I asked almost defensively. It seemed I had suddenly found my

voice.

Her eyes widened almost imperceptibly before returning back to normal.

"Okay, so we are cutting right to the chase then." She stated. Her brows knit

together in concentration.

"Sorry, it's just… I d-don't know. Something about all this secrecy makes me think

I am not going to like what you have to say," I said tentatively.

"Maybe - maybe not, that all depends on your perception," she stated cryptically.

Not really knowing how to respond, it was easier for me to wait for her to

elaborate. As if to be waiting for me to question her more, she simply stared at me. I
had a feeling she was procrastinating. The thought made me wonder if she even
wanted to be here with me. She must have noticed the sudden downward spiral my
emotions had taken me in response to my most recent speculation, because she
exhaled unsteadily, but with determination.

"Edward, I have a proposition for you."

~*LI*~

- 30 -

A/N How did you guys like life at the Cullen's house?

Thanks for reading! Another update will come soon. The next chapter will be 'The

Proposition' from BPOV!

Please feel free to leave your twitter name in your reviews so I can follow you! The

link to my Twitter page can be found in my profile.

Please check out the story banners by me and the awesome new blinkie by Ange

de L'aube

Don't forget to check out Confessions of a Love Sick Geek and Confessions of a

Serial Killer, as well as the artwork for both stories.

Also, voting for the High Times Anonymous Contest, hosted by AngstGoddess003

and Yogagal starts soon, so please read the entries and vote for your favorite!

Thanks for the lovely reviews! Keep them coming!

- 31 -

Chapter 7

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Chapter 7 ** The Proposition **

~*Bella Swan*~

The guy looked worried, genuinely worried, and I wasn't sure if my proposal was

going to make it any better. Initially, I had assumed that any guy would jump at the
chance, and that Edward wouldn't be any different. Then again - unlike my friends -
Edward wasn't morally bankrupt.

It was already too late for me to back out. There was also the fact that Edward

was so cute that I actually found myself wanting to have sex with him. Of course, he
wasn't my first choice - but then, James had taken that away from me. So, if Edward
was amiable, I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to let him help me.

It was now or never.

"Edward, I have a proposition for you," I spoke anxiously.

He waited for me to continue. The longer I waited, the more suspicious his looks

became. With shaking hands, I lit a cigarette. Knowing that I was showing weakness
made me feel vulnerable, but there was little I could do but let the nicotine work its
magic.

Anxiety was rolling off me in waves and I was sure he'd picked up on it. He was

probably assuming the worst, so I thought I'd better spit it out.

"I need you to have sex with me," I blurted. His pouty lips fell open and his eyes

widened to a point that they looked like they might pop out of his head if he wasn't
careful.

- 32 -

"w-What?" he stuttered in disbelief.

"Umm…" I started, but his expression stopped me short. With a red face, eyes

screwed shut, and a tightened jaw, he began to take in gasps of air. His head quickly
went into position between his knees, while he tried to steady his breathing.

My teeth found my bottom lip and began to nervously gnaw at it. I wasn't sure

what to do. After several seconds his breathing hadn't improved so I moved closer to
him. Normally, one might rub a person's back to help relax them, but when I saw
how the light caught his stunning, penny colored hair, I opted to run my fingers
through it instead. It was just as fucking soft as it looked.

When his breathing began to even out, I released the strands my fingers had been

holding hostage and waited for him to sit up. When he finally did, his eyes were still
closed but his jaw was more relaxed. He adjusted the glasses on his face, and his
green eyes finally met mine. He looked afraid and nervous beyond belief. I couldn't
help but feel like shit for doing that to him. Briefly, I wondered if he just
hyperventilated, or if he'd had an actual panic attack. Either way, neither was the
desired effect I'd been hoping for.

"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned over the state he was in.

He simply nodded.

"I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that."

"You were serious," he said, as more of a statement than a question.

"Yes," I said, offering a small smile, but at the same time feeling ashamed. A fierce

look of determination crossed over his almost ethereal features.

"Tell me everything. I know there is more to this than… sex… so, I need to know,"

he demanded. The walls protecting his heart were being built before my eyes. The
boy was right to protect himself. It was within my power to break him. That was the
last thing I wanted.

"The reasons… it will probably sound incredibly naïve and stupid to you, but if I

tell you everything, will you at least consider my proposal?" I asked hopefully. The
wary nod he managed was probably the best answer I was going to get.

"Look, you can't repeat anything I'm about to tell you. For some reason, I feel like

I can trust you to keep this to yourself," I pleaded, hating that I was willingly giving

- 33 -

so much power to someone else. My actions were going against all my instincts.

"Bella, I would never do anything hurt you," he said simply, and there was nothing

but truth and conviction in his green eyes. His words made my chest hurt and my
pulse throb in my veins, but I pushed the feelings back for later perusal.

"God, I can't believe I am saying this out loud," I groaned. I wished I could tell him

that I'd asked him because he was so sexy and beautiful that I wanted him to fuck
me. If I did, maybe he would, but I knew misdirecting him would make me feel like
and even bigger piece of shit than I already was.

"I need to lose my virginity soon, and for reasons you couldn't possibly

understand."

"Make me understand, and I'll consider it," he said with a slight smile playing on

his lips. I blinked, feeling a bit dazed by his change in demeanor. Strangely, his
statement was cockier than I'd expected, and it seemed like he was stammering less
and his words had even become more confident, especially considering the near
panic attack he'd just experienced.

He was an enigma.

"Okay, but please, spare me any judgments you might have about my choices," I

said pointedly. His hands up in surrender pushed me to explain my situation with
James.

"There is someone, a guy. I think… no, I am in love with him, but he doesn't love

me," I said almost petulantly. Edwards face no longer held the cocky half smile. He
just looked crest-fallen.

"Oh… I'm so sorry, Bella," he offered sympathetically.

"Yeah." I swallowed thickly feeling unnerved by his kindness.

"I umm… I've wanted him for a while now, and he only recently started to notice

me. I really only wanted to be with him, so I've never had sex with anyone else. I
guess I just hoped that maybe if I saved myself for him, he would be - I don't know -
happy, or grateful. Hell, flattered would have even been nice, but he didn't want a
stupid little lovesick virgin. So, he told to come back when I wasn't one anymore," by
the end of my rant I was spitting venom. I hadn't realized just how much anger I'd
been keeping inside. Letting it out had felt like opening a bottle of soda that had
been shaken up. It was an explosion of the anger, betrayal, and pain I'd been feeling,

- 34 -

until it was just relief - relief from all the pressure.

Unfortunately, Edward's expression was quite the opposite of relief. Disbelief and

disgust were plainly written on his face. He must have thought I was an idiot.

"Tell me," he spat, his jaw clenched tight.

"What?" I replied taken aback.

"Tell me who did that to you!" he practically growled, his eyes burning with more

rage than I ever would have expected from him.

"I-I can't," I faltered a bit, surprised by his intensity.

"How could someone be so fucking careless?" he muttered angrily with fists

clenched at his side.

"Look, just forget it. I'll figure something else out," I sighed defeated.

Wanting to spare myself from his disapproving opinions of my choices, I stood to

leave. His hand grasped my wrist quickly but gently.

"Please, don't… just… don't go, okay? I'll help you, but there are… conditions," he

pleaded, and it wasn't his words, or the velvet silkiness of his voice that made me
want to stay, it was his eyes, and the way mine seemed to drown in them.

He looked at me with a raised brow as if he were waiting for me to argue.

Truthfully, I didn't want him to have any more leverage over me, but at the same
time he had agreed to help me. As far as his conditions were concerned, I was fairly
certain they wouldn't be anything more than I could handle.

"Tell me about your conditions," I acquiesced.

"Okay, but please don't laugh," he warned seriously.

"Before we… you know. I think we should go on a date…"

Was that what you guys expected? Let me know what you think!

Please feel free to leave your twitter name in your review so I can follow you! The

- 35 -

link to my Twitter page can be found in my profile.

Please check out the story banners by me and the awesome new blinkie by Ange

de L'aube

Don't forget to check out Confessions of a Love Sick Geek and Confessions of a

Serial Killer, as well as the artwork for both stories.

Also, voting for the High Times Anonymous Contest, hosted by AngstGoddess003

and Yogagal starts soon, so please read the entries and vote for your favorite!

Thanks for the lovely reviews!

- 36 -

Chapter 8

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Thanks to my Beta Twimarti, and to Mrs_Robward for the wonderful Rec on PIC

FF Corner!

Chapter 8 **His Conditions**

**Edward Cullen**

There was warmth emanating from the area to my left, and fingers lightly

scratching at my scalp, calming me as I attempted to catch my breath. It felt like my
chest had been pummeled with a wrecking ball. Gasps of air left my lungs painfully.
This was not supposed to happen again.

Before my hyperventilation could turn into a full blown panic attack, I allowed the

fingers at my scalp to soothe me.

I want you to have sex with me.

Christ, had I really heard her correctly? Surely she was kidding. My instinct was

telling me she was serious. She had been much too anxious to be making jokes. Any
previous experience or interaction I'd had with Bella always left me with the
impression that she was cool, and easygoing. With her anxious lip biting, she
seemed nearly as stressed as I was.

Once I'd composed myself, with my head positioned between my knees, I had

begun to feel self-conscious, so I sat up. Still unable to meet her undoubtedly
worried gaze, my eyes stayed shut, clenched tight.

Her breathing was heavy, chest rising and falling, and I couldn't help but notice.

As if in realization of her proximity she almost reluctantly removed her fingers from
my hair. Feeling bereft from the loss of her warmth, my body longed for more of her

- 37 -

touch. Had I not been on the verge of a panic attack, I might have embarrassed
myself by purring like a lazy kitten.

When I could finally look at her, she shuddered slightly. I had no idea how to

respond. The crippling panic was about to set in when her words pulled me back
from the edge.

"Are you okay?" she asked nervously.

What could I say? There was no way I was going to admit my problems to her. The

last thing I needed was her pity. My lips opted to stay silent while my head nodded
my answer. It was a lie, I wasn't okay - I was in shock.

"I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that," she said before

biting her lip. It was obvious she felt guilty. Though it wasn't her fault I had anxiety
problems.

"You were serious," I confirmed, even though I already knew she was. I needed to

steel myself for what was to come.

If Bella was interested in being with me - as my girlfriend - she would have tried to

develop a relationship, asked me for a date, flirted maybe. With me, she wanted to
skip to the climax of the story without all the buildup, the anticipation, the wooing. I
wasn't stupid; I knew she had an agenda.

Her hesitance combined with my painfully shy tendencies weren't going to cut it.

Then and there, I made it my personal mission to figure out Bella Swan and why the
fuck she wanted to fuck me, of all people.

"Yes," she agreed smiling warily. She wasn't giving me anything, so I was going to

demand her honesty. And though there wasn't a single cell in my being that didn't
long to feel her soft, warm, and pressed against me, it would be only for the right
reasons.

"Tell me everything. I know there is more to this than… sex… so, I need to know."

Bracing myself for the worst possible answer, I sat with bated breath.

"The reasons..." she hesitated, "…it will probably sound incredibly naïve and

stupid to you, but if I tell you everything, will you at least consider my proposal?"

She was pleading for me to help her - to understand her. Her desperation might

- 38 -

have turned me off if she was anyone else, but there was so much pain in her voice
that I could bear to turn her away. I couldn't even if I tried. I nodded guardedly
because I didn't trust my voice not to crack.

"Look you can't repeat anything I am about to tell you. For some reason, I feel like

I can trust you to keep this to yourself."

Of the few things people could count on me for, my word was one of them. I just

wasn't the kind of person who broke promises. Though it also helped that
purposefully, I never made promises I knew I couldn't keep.

"Bella, I would never do anything hurt you," I replied truthfully.

Intentionally, I wasn't capable of harming Bella. The need to protect her was too

great for me to fathom the idea. My answer seemed to placate her because she
began to grumble about having to tell me her story. The pain in her voice was
obvious. Something had happened to her, and seeing that she was about to tell me
her story, I simply had to wait for her to continue.

"I need to lose my virginity soon, and for reasons you couldn't possibly

understand." The look of irritation on her face as she huffed out her petulant
comment, made me want to laugh. It was then that I realized how much I had been
putting the girl on a pedestal, as if she were perfect. She wasn't perfect. Bella was
beautiful, passionate, intelligent, and a bit of a brat. She was adorable.

The irritation she faced while being forced to relinquish control, to give a part of

herself, and become exposed, brought out a cocky side in me that I'd never felt
before. I supposed it helped that she had chosen me to help her with her problem.

"Make me understand, and I'll consider it," I countered more confidently than I'd

expected. Her pouting was getting under my skin, and luring out the smartass in
me.

"Okay, but please spare me any judgments you might have about my choices," she

snipped. Fighting the urge to chuckle at her indignant behavior, I held my hands up
placating her. I didn't want to argue. I waited for her to continue.

"There is someone, a guy. I think…" she paused as if she was trying to convince

herself of something, "…no, I am in love with him, but he doesn't love me."

Her reasons behind wanting to have sex with me were starting to become clearer.

It was obvious that I was to be some kind of pawn in a game she was playing. I

- 39 -

supposed she wanted to make this guy jealous. I truly wanted to be pissed and
fucking offended that she'd consider involving me, but I couldn't. Seeing her so
distraught and desperate over this guy who was blind enough not to return her
feelings kind of broke my heart. I wished I could be that guy for her. If only she'd let
me, instead of playing games.

I knew all too well what it was like to care for someone who didn't want you back,

or even know you exist.

"Oh… I'm so sorry, Bella," I sympathized. As much as I was glad that the idiot left

Bella single and available, I knew he was still in her heart and therefore in the way
of any chance I had to be with her. Sadly, I knew my own shortcomings were just as
much of a barrier between us as her love for the unnamed idiot who didn't want her.

"Yeah," she muttered dejectedly.

"I umm… I've wanted him for a while now, and he only recently started to notice

me. I really only wanted to be with him, so I've never had sex with anyone else. I
guess I just hoped that maybe if I saved myself for him, he would be - I don't know -
happy or grateful…" her anger began to flare and her temper escalated. "…hell,
flattered would have even been nice, but he didn't want a stupid little lovesick
virgin. So, he told to come back when I wasn't one anymore." The tone of her voice
was so shrill my balls almost retreated inside my body for fear that they'd be
crushed.

As amusing as her anger was, I had to let her words sink in. When I realized what

she'd said, I hoped to God the motherfucking idiot she was referring to hadn't
spoken those words to her.

Her little tirade was nothing compared to the anger that flared inside me. Rage

coursed through my veins causing my body to become rigid. I wanted to break shit,
namely this bastard's face for the way he'd made Bella feel.

"Tell me," I seethed through clenched teeth.

"What?" she asked anxiously, and seemed to shrink back. The urge to comfort her

was overshadowed by my need to connect my fist with something.

"Tell me who did that to you," I demanded, the intense sound of my voice was

shocking even to me.

"I-I can't," she pleaded wanting me to understand, but I didn't.

- 40 -

Why would she protect someone like that asshole. "How could someone be so

fucking careless?" I wondered aloud.

My words seemed to have hurt her feelings, and then I realized that she must

have thought that I meant she was careless. Before I had a chance to stop her and
explain, she moved to walk away.

Sighing sadly, she muttered "Look, just forget it. I'll figure something else out."

There was no way in hell I was going to let her play this little game with some

asshole that would probably end up hurting her. I couldn't let her go. My hand
reached out and I caught her wrist before she could leave. The skin was smooth and
fragile, and I was exhilarated by the contact. Skin to skin - my hand to Bella's wrist -
the anger melted away, and left me feeling as if I was on the verge of panic again. I
couldn't bear to let her go, but I also didn't want to take advantage of her
desperation and let her do something she'd regret.

It would have been idiotic for me to say that I didn't want to have sex with her, but

I had always imagined my first time as something beautiful with someone I loved.
Maybe that wasn't a realistic goal if I didn't want to end up a thirty or even forty
year old virgin, but at the very least I wanted my first time to at least be with
someone who remotely cared about me.

I assumed that Bella must find me somewhat attractive if she was willing to fuck

me, so I hoped that I could use that as a starting point to build something between
us – something with meaning. If I could get her to agree to a few dates with me,
maybe I could treat her the way the asshole she fucking loved chose not to. I wanted
to show her what she was missing. Inwardly, I crossed my fingers hoping that maybe
she would agree to anything at this point.

"Please, don't… just… don't go, okay? I'll help you, but there are… conditions," I

pleaded, hoping she wouldn't tell me to shove the offer up my ass.

She blinked a few times at my request, seeming to debate whether or not I was

worth any extra effort on her part.

Her eyes settled on mine, and I knew she'd made a decision. I braced for the

worst.

"Tell me about your conditions." she agreed reluctantly, but I knew I had her.

"Okay, but please don't laugh." My brows scrunched together in effort to appear

- 41 -

serious and not grin like I'd gone bat-shit crazy.

"Before we… you know. I think we should go on a date…" My brows raised in

anticipation of her reaction.

A frown marred her lovely features at the request, but I didn't let it get to me. I

wasn't ready to give up on Bella Swan quite yet.

"Fine…" she agreed irritably, "…but don't get too cozy, you're not my fucking

boyfriend."

"Yet," I muttered quietly.

"What?" she asked still seeming annoyed.

"Nothing… so… how about you let me pick you up tomorrow around 6?" I asked,

trying to hide the smugness from my voice.

Thanks for all the amazing reviews! Next is Bella POV and THE DATE!

Also voting is in progress for the High Times anonymous contest! I submitted a

story, but I can't say which one... Please check out all the great O/S's and vote for
your favorite. There is a link to the contest in my BIO

Next Update coming soon!

- 42 -

Chapter 9

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

First I want to apologize for extended time between updates. RL has kept me busy

as well as my commitment to participate in FGB for April's Autism Awareness.

I did submit a O/S called Love Tokyo Style. It is a B/E lemonshot set in Tokyo,

which I wrote before the tragic events earlier this month. I hope everyone will
contribute by donating a minimum of $5.00 to get the amazing compilation by all the
amazing authors that contributed.

Also I want to update that on Losing It, since I changed my mind and decided to

include EPOV in this fic, the story length may go to 15-16 chapters. I just couldn't
resist writing Edward's thoughts. They just had to come out. I hope you all
understand.

Next I want to thank my beta Twimarti for her constant encouragement and

enthusiasm.

Finally, I want to thank everyone who read and voted for my O/S A Higher Power

in the High TImes Anonymous contest. I didn't win but I had a ton of fun. It was my
first contest and I enjoyed it immensely. If you haven't read it, it's posted with my
other stories now.

Sorry for the long A/N See you at the bottom!

Chapter 9 **A New Plan**

~* Bella Swan *~

Edward Cullen.

He was currently confusing the shit out of me.

- 43 -

He'd managed to coerce me into breaking one of the key rules of my plan. Of

course, I could have said no. I could have told him to go fuck himself and his
conditions and went looking for a replacement, but I didn't. Why the fuck not? – That
was the million dollar question I'd been asking myself all night long.

I mean, of course he was understatedly gorgeous, and I couldn't for the life of me

figure out how I'd never noticed before.

I had been as oblivious to Edward as Lois Lane was to Clark Kent.

For a moment, I wondered if girls from Edward's old school had been as ignorant

as I and the rest of the female population of Forks High were. For all I knew Edward
wasn't even a virgin, not like it mattered, but… fuck – why did I feel like it mattered?

"Goddammit," I groaned loudly inside my empty bathroom, shoving my irrational

feelings back until I was better prepared to deal with them.

My head was spinning. I figured all I needed was a cigarette and a bit of

relaxation. With the window propped open behind the toilet to let out the smoke and
filled the whirlpool bath. The bubbling jets had my muscles relaxing almost
immediately, but the thoughts swirling around in my head had me a fucking mess. It
was all because, at 6 p.m. tomorrow, I was going on a date with Edward Cullen.

I knew he would try and woo me, or try to get me to be his girlfriend - that kinda

of shit. I assumed he would take me to Port Angeles, maybe to the nice little Italian
place there. He probably envisioned this romantic candlelit dinner and us sharing
spaghetti like Lady and the Motherfucking Tramp.

I was impervious to that bullshit.

Though, I had to admit, as cute as he was, I was going to enjoy seeing him try.

~*LI*~

The school day had gone by as usual - until lunch. I ended up spending the period

in the library because I couldn't stomach the idea that Victoria could be perched in
James' lap again, or what it might mean if she was.

I'd never seen James let a girl hang on him after they'd had sex for more than a

few days. Victoria's time was almost up. As nice as that sounded, I concerned myself
with who might be next. Would it be Jess, or Lauren? Would they do that to me, their
best friend? Yes, I think they fucking would. Lousy bitches.

- 44 -

Lately, I realized that when my thoughts turned to James, they left the taste of ass

in my mouth. I was pissed at him for sure, but I was angrier with myself for falling
for him in the first place. You can't help who you love, I thought sadly. There was
still the chance that he would see something different in me – something worth
giving up his womanizing ways for. I had to try. My heart was on the line.

~*LI*~

Biology- I'd been dreading it the entire day. After pathetically stewing in the

library like a loser, I was worried about seeing Edward. His presence was an
unfortunate reminder of how I was debasing myself for James just on the off chance
that he might fall for me. There was also the matter of our date, which I still couldn't
believe I'd agreed to.

Edward and his 'conditions' were throwing me off course. I didn't like it one bit,

but I knew how to get the upper-hand.

Hurriedly, I walked towards Biology, not meeting anyone's eyes, and hoping like

hell I wouldn't have to speak to my any of my friends. I couldn't take their annoying
suspicions about why I hadn't fallen in line like the rest of them and attended the
spectacle that was our lunch hour. Being part of Forks High royalty was slowly but
surely becoming the bane of my existence.

I was nearly to Biology when I almost crashed into a tiny slip of a girl.

"Whoa, sorry," I muttered and continued walking without a glance, hoping to

escape without further questioning.

"Bella, wait," the melodic voice pleaded. I turned towards the girl finding myself

face to face with Alice Brandon.

"Yes?" I said in a clipped tone, partially feigning my irritation to intimidate her. If I

had succeeded, she didn't show it.

"So, umm… I heard you were going out with Edward, and I just wanted-" she

began, but I cut her off swiftly.

"What the fuck? He's fucking telling people?" I spat angrily, barely containing the

rage boiling under the surface. Alice's shocked expression made me want to reign in
my temper – almost. "I'm gonna kill him."

I turned on my heels and began moving towards Biology class. I was practically

- 45 -

breathing fire and barely registered the panicked voice following behind me
shouting my name.

"Fucking stop, Bella!" the voice shouted venomously. That got my attention.

"What do you want, Alice?" I seethed icily. Suddenly we were staring each other

down, sizing each other up. Alice looked like she wanted to cut a bitch. I was sure
my expression matched. "Spit it out, or else I am out of here. I have a geek to
castrate."

Her eyes became almost feral with anger. I withered slightly under her intense

gaze. Who the hell knew such a tiny person could exude such ferocity?

"You aren't going to lay a finger on my brother's balls, you bitch," she barked and

suddenly the entire hall stilled. All eyes were on the two of us. This was not
happening here- I wouldn't let it.

As soon as my eyeballs were back in my head, I hastily grabbed Alice's arm and

pulled her towards the empty music room. Once the door was shut and blocking us
from prying ears, I exhaled a breathy sign of fatigue.

I couldn't look at Alice, but from my periphery, I noticed her posture was less

rigid.

"You look exhausted," she said softly in a kinder tone I hadn't expected.

"You have no idea," I sighed, scrubbing my hand over my face. I hadn't slept well

the night before. "What do you want from me, Alice?"

"I'm shocked that you even know my name," she muttered in a voice that was

dripping with sarcasm.

"We do have classes together," I replied irritably, "Did you seriously stop me to

comment on ability to remember names, or was there another reason you are
keeping us from our classes?"

"You're not good enough for him," she sneered angrily. "I thought you were. I

mean, you seemed different from those other bitches you hang out with, but I was
wrong. It would be in your best interest for you to cancel your date with him."

"Who the fuck do you think you are? You have no right to judge me or tell me who

I should or shouldn't date."

- 46 -

"I won't let you hurt my brother," she seethed.

"Wait, what? Brother… who?"

"Edward!" she spat in a way that made me feel like the biggest moron on the

planet. How the hell was I supposed to know? They didn't even have the same
fucking last name.

"I didn't know he was your brother, and I don't plan on hurting him, quite the

contrary," I replied the smugly, earning a glare that made me feel like I was on a
pyre.

"Why the hell are you going on about killing him and castrating him? I mean, I

know you aren't serious, but he hasn't done anything wrong, so what the fuck?"

I didn't know how to explain without sounding like a cowardly bitch. How did I

explain to his fucking sister that I was using him for sex, and making him keep his
trap shut about it? What's more, I wondered how much she might already know.

"What did he say to you about our date, and who else did he tell?" I replied

tersely, not showing my cards.

"I knew he was meeting you yesterday, and then he came to me last night asking

about what kind of dates my boyfriend Jasper took me on and I kind of figured it out
on my own. I knew he wasn't going to tell me so I thought I'd ask you myself. I love
my brother, and I don't want to see him hurt. Honestly, I was excited for him, but
now that I see how you are, I'll be damned if I am going to let this go on."

"Well, good thing it's not up to you," I sneered and left her in the music room

alone just as the bell rang signaling that I was now tardy for class. Fuck.

With the door to Biology in front of me, I took a deep breath. I needed to remain

calm and collected. No weakness.

I stilled my shaking hands and opened the door. Making certain that I didn't stare

at the floor or use my hair as a curtain to hide my face, I strolled into class
appearing as confident as ever. For my tardiness, I gave Mr. Banner a saccharine
apology, which he accepted by recommending I take my desk.

On my way to the lab table, I glanced up.

His eyes were bright today and he was looking at me in a way that made my heart

- 47 -

beat frantically within my chest. When I chanced a glance at James hoping to see the
same burning desire I was disappointed to find him looking down and away from me.
I followed his gaze all the way to the legs that were pouring out of Jane's ultra-short
denim mini skirt. My confident smile faltered, but I quickly recovered.

When I looked back up, Edward was eying me curiously. Ignoring his questioning

glance, I took my seat.

There was no lab today, so the opportunity to talk to Edward was lost. I wasn't as

mad at him as I was, if at all. He hadn't even told his sister. He'd simply given her
enough info to put the facts together herself. Thankfully, she didn't know half the
story, but still, she knew enough to ruin me if word got out. Fleetingly, I wondered if
that would be such a bad thing, but when I thought of what I had to lose – James – I
shoved the thought under the rug.

Several minutes into class, Edward passed me a sheet of paper elegantly scrawled

with his anxious words.

-Can I still pick you up at 6?

-I don't know, is your bitch of a sister going to let you leave the house?

He gasped audibly, and began writing furiously.

-I don't know what she said to you, but please forget it. I will take care of her. Just,

please, don't cancel our date on account of her.

-Hey don't worry about it. I don't intend to cancel. I told her as much. I was just a

little angry because I thought you told her about our arrangement. Then I lost it, we
argued and she told me to stay away from you. I don't think she trusts me.

-Fuck, I'm gonna kick her ass when I get home.

-Don't, she was just being protective. Forget it, okay?

He muttered unintelligibly under his breath, but nodded. I didn't believe him. He

was highly pissed at his sister.

It was hard not to notice the tension that had set in his sharp, lick-able jaw and

not want to… lick it. I groaned slightly, but it was loud enough that several
classmates, including Edward, were looking at me in concern. I felt my cheeks heat
up, and it only got worse when I realized that I didn't blush, ever. This shit was

- 48 -

getting ridiculous. He was making me lose control. The contradictory combination of
his shy stuttering and his magnificent temper were driving me to the edge of
insanity.

Needing to get back to the subject I grabbed the note we'd been passing, and

wrote quickly.

-Where are you taking me tonight?

-It's a surprise. Just make sure you dress comfortably. No skirts or heels.

I cocked a curious brow at him wondering, what guy in his right mind would want

me in jeans and a t-shirt on our date? I supposed I was once again going to be
shocked by the enigma that was the geeky, hot, protective, shy, Edward Cullen.

~*LI*~

I pulled a pair of skinny jeans, and black converse sneakers from my closet.

Edward wanted casual, so I was going to give him casual.

I had planned on seducing him after our date. I was going to go commando and

wear my black bandage dress from Halloween, in hopes that it would affect Edward
more than it had James, but my plan was rendered useless by his request for me to
dress casually. Where the hell was he taking me? Furthermore, why the fuck was I
so nervous? It's just Edward - I reminded myself - he's nobody.

Immediately, I hated myself for having such cruel thoughts. They weren't true and

they only made me realize that I was becoming something I hated. Before I had a
chance to become depressed by my self-loathing, the doorbell rang. Edward was
here.

I hadn't put a shirt on yet, so I quickly grabbed my silky low cut cleavage baring

red blouse. As I was about to put it on, a devilish idea popped into my head and I
paused.

Since my mom wasn't home, I ran downstairs in my jeans and bra and opened the

door.

The look on Edward's face was priceless. I feigned indifference and told him to

come inside and wait while I finished getting ready. On the outside, I appeared
unaffected by his uncontrollable ogling, but inside I was electrified by his obvious
attraction.

- 49 -

"See something you like," I said smirking impishly.

The pained look on his face told me he was using every ounce of strength in his

being to restrain himself from touching me. He already had my permission to fuck
me into oblivion, so I imagined standing there the way I was, was a major
temptation. I hoped he wouldn't resist.

After a few to many beats of silence, I turned to walk away. I realized he wasn't

going to comment, so I went upstairs to put a shirt on. I made sure on my way up to
sway my hips seductively. His audible groan was the first sound I'd heard out of his
mouth since his arrival.

I wondered how long Edward would be able to resist my plan to seduce him

relentlessly. Would he even make it through the night?

I stood in front of the mirror in my room smirking at the reflection of my taught

nipples that were visibly showing through the sheer fabric of my black lace bra and
thought – we may not make out the front door.

Bella is such a dirty girl. Does Edward even stand a chance? So, I would love to

hear what everyone thinks of Bella's conversation with Alice and her new plan to
seduce Edward.

Thank you all for your support and amazing reviews! They mean so much!

I am on Twitter, follow me (at)SoapyMayhem or check out my blog

www(dot)SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Also, I am currently open for banner requests, my work and request form is

available on my blog.

As for my posting schedule. I need to update Confessions of a Serial Killer then

Losing It will update. After that I will get Love Sick Geek updated. Once those have
posted. I intend to finish Losing It and post the chapters within a two week period.
After I will be updating CoaLSG and CoaSK weekly until they are complete.

I have several more stories I am developing but they will wait until at least

CoaLSG is complete which I expect will be in about 10 more chapters.

Thanks to all my readers. I love you all!

- 50 -

Chapter 10

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Sorry for the extended time between updates. I am working on a fwe things right

now, but I plan to get back to my regular posting schedule soon!

Thanks to TwiMarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from Twilighed.

Also thanks to the Twilight Awards for featuring Losing It on 'Under the Radar'

Chapter 10 **Best Laid Plans**

**Edward Cullen**

"What did you say to her Alice?" I asked anxiously. I knew something had to have

happened when I noticed Bella's rigid posture earlier in Biology. She'd pretty much
admitted that Alice was the cause of it. She made it clear that my meddlesome sister
had warned her to stay away from me, but what I couldn't understand was why?

Alice had been ecstatic about my meeting with Bella the day before and had even

given me dating advice. Though I hadn't actually said it was Bella that I'd be taking
out, she knew. Alice always knew.

"Look, it doesn't matter what I said to her. She is a total bitch and she's just going

to end up hurting you," Alice seethed, but I couldn't help but notice the desperation
in her tone.

"Why would you say that? I mean, yeah she's popular and a bit shallow if I'm being

honest, but she never came off as bitchy, at least not in any interaction I'd ever had
with her," I argued. Though I didn't mention it to her, my thoughts went back to
earlier today to Bella's snide comment about Alice being a bitch herself and
inferring that she was my keeper or something. Maybe she was a little bitchy. I
wasn't about to admit that to my sister though, especially when I had a feeling that

- 51 -

Bella's tough exterior was just a mask.

"I tried to talk to her about you this afternoon and she just flipped the fuck out.

She got all pissed because she didn't want anyone knowing about your date. It's
bullshit, Edward. You can't just stand by and be her dirty little secret," she spat
angrily.

I sighed heavily wondering how I was going to manage getting Alice off my back. I

could either break Bella's trust and spill her actual 'dirty little secret' or I could lie
through my teeth and hope Alice believed me. I couldn't get away with telling her to
'fuck off', so I opted for the lie.

"We're just not ready to tell our friends until we know whether or not this thing

between us is going to be long term. We know it's going to stir up a bunch of shit,
not just for her , but for me as well. I mean, haven't you ever seen Pretty In Pink,
Alice? We just want to test drive first to make sure we want to buy…"

"Fuck, I get it. Enough with the damn analogies," Alice grumbled, seemingly

trusting my lie to be true. Hell, I almost fucking believed it. "Be careful, because I
don't want to see you hurt okay. As soon as things get serious, you come out with it.
I won't watch you hide your love away."

"If I can't use analogies, you can't quote The Beatles, and yes, I'll be careful." I

rolled my eyes playfully, thankful that we'd hashed out our issues.

I couldn't help but wish my lie to Alice had been the truth. The thing was, I could

deal with a Bella who was scared to tell people she was dating a shy nerd. I'd love to
have had that problem instead of the one I actually had. In half an hour I was taking
Bella on an obligatory date that she didn't want to go on in the first place, as a
preamble for her to use my cock as a means to get this ass-hat with commitment
issues to fall for her.

Fuck my life.

I was starting to wonder if this whole plan to 'make Bella fall for me' was really

such a hot idea. She only felt obligated, and would probably be annoyed by my
presence until my cock was ready to give her what she really wanted.

After our conversation Alice left me be to get ready for my date. I made sure to

jerk off in the shower, as if that would help, and then threw on a comfortable t-shirt
and a pair of jeans. Since I'd planned on us spending the majority of the evening
outside, I slid on my hiking boots and a hoodie as well.

- 52 -

Originally, I had planned on taking Bella to the little Italian restaurant in Port

Angeles and then to a movie. It was what I assumed to be the expected choice for a
first date. Ideally, we'd have a nice chat, enjoy some fine cuisine, then I'd enjoy the
closeness of her body pressed against mine when she became frightened by
whatever horror movie I dragged us to. I'd put my arm around her and try to steal a
kiss or two. That was my fantasy, but in reality, I was going to have to take an
entirely different approach to dating Bella.

I'd watched her at school often, so often, that my behavior bordered on that of a

stalker when it came to knowing things about her. I knew her locker was 15 down
from mine and to the immediate left of a water fountain. My repeated visits to said
fountain, so I could catch tidbits of her conversations, was the reason I ended up
making frequent trips to the bathroom to relieve my bladder throughout every
school day. When I was fortunate enough to catch Bella in any kind of conversation,
she always seemed distant. The look in her eyes was that of a person who was
unsatisfied. Maybe it was just because she wasn't having any luck with the dirt-bag
she had a thing for, but somehow I sensed it was more. Her friends seemed only to
care about status and material possessions, and Bella didn't seem that way to me at
all. However, it was entirely possible that my image of Bella was distorted and that I
was simply putting her on a pedestal.

Either way, I decided that based on my assessment, Bella wouldn't be impressed

by fancy restaurants. She was likely to be the one girl in the theater that would scoff
at the bad special effects or writing instead of using the creepy atmosphere as an
excuse to cling to me. There was also the matter of me trying to show her what it
would be like to have a guy who really cared about her. I needed quality time with
her to do that - somewhere quiet, private.

There was a part of me that sensed that she was attracted to me, but I knew that

wasn't enough. She needed more, but I wasn't going to change myself to be
someone else, so she could feel comfortable admitting to her friends that she liked
me. I wanted her to see me for who I was and want to be with that guy, whether her
bitchy girlfriends liked it or not. Who the hell was I kidding?

I was fairly certain my plan would end up being an epic failure.

It was nearly time for me to pick Bella up, and I was becoming more and more

uncertain of my decision not to take her someplace fancy. My gut told me I was
making the right choice, but then I'd remember that I was about to pick up one of
the most popular girls in school, and take her to grab greasy food from a diner. She
was going to be pissed. I was totally fucked.

- 53 -

~*o*LI*o*~

Once I'd finally made it to her driveway, I noticed that Bella's car was the only one

around. I wondered how often her parents were there. Though my father spent long
hours at the hospital, my mother worked from home, so she was always preparing
dinner by the time I arrived. Bella's previous shock over my mother's cooking gave
me the impression that she was home alone often, taking care of herself, and doing
her own cooking. The idea of her being alone like that made me feel sad. Pull
yourself together Cullen.

My palms were sweaty, so I wiped them on the legs of my jeans. I didn't want to

get a shock when I rang the doorbell. After pressing the button twice, I stood there
for nearly a minute before I could faintly hear the sound of someone coming down
the stairs. I kept my expression as neutral as I could manage so she wouldn't sense
how absolutely giddy I was with excitement to be spending time with her.

Nothing could have prepared my body for the onslaught of seeing Bella when she

opened the door. Words like perfect, nipples, sheer, lace, and sucking, were all
simultaneously running through my brain. Fuck.

Without my permission, my mouth fell open and my cock hardened painfully. What

was she thinking?

When I could finally tear my eyes away from her tits, I was met with the sight of

her cocky little smirk. In that moment I realized that she knew exactly what she was
doing. Somewhere along the way, the game changed. Bella was playing to win.

With my fist balled and my muscles tightened in restraint I looked into her eyes

seeking something, anything that would help me get past her torture. Her gaze was
mischievous and sparkling with excitement. I was fucking doomed.

~*o*LI*o*~

Thank you all for your support and amazing reviews! They mean so much!

I am on Twitter, follow me (at)SoapyMayhem or check out my blog

www(dot)SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Also, I am currently open for banner requests, my work and request form is

available on my blog.

- 54 -

Finally, I have a new story I am working on and need an experienced pre-reader

or two for the first couple of chapters before I begin to post. No beta-ing is
necessary just thoughts and critique. Hit me up in a PM or Twitter if you are
interested. :)

Thanks to all my readers. I love you all!

- 55 -

Chapter 11

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

I want to thanks Twimarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighed.

So here is a quick update, it's a short one. Enjoy and please check my A/N for info

about a new fic I am working on.

Chapter 11 **Rushing It**

~*Bella Swan*~

By the time I was back down the stairs, Edward had composed himself, though I

did catch him taking a surreptitious glance at my now covered breasts. I could
hardly contain the triumphant smirk that threatened to take control my face. I was
certain he noticed my twitching lips, but he made no mention.

"Are you ready to go?" he offered with a polite smile, that didn't reach his eyes.

He was probably nervous and maybe a little upset by my previous behavior. You did
that to him with your stupid games.

I pushed back the guilt, and cleared my throat. "Where are we going?" I asked

curiously.

He began fidgeting with the zipper on his jacket and wouldn't meet my eyes.

"I was thinking that maybe since it was nice outside, that umm… well, that we

could grab some food from the diner to take with us then go on a short hike. I know
this trail that-" he explained before I cut him off.

"You want to take me to the diner and then hiking?" I asked surprised, and even

though my tone wasn't angry or even irritated, he looked panic-stricken.

- 56 -

"I… well… I thought…," he stuttered.

I didn't want him to think that his plan was bad or anything, so I quickly reassured

him.

"Hey, a hike sounds fun - totally unexpected - but fun, and honestly I love a good

burger from the diner," I admitted with a reassuring smile.

"Good, okay. That's just… great," he exclaimed. My words seemed to have relaxed

him quite a bit, as his eyes brightened and the tension left his shoulders. I couldn't
help but keep smiling at him.

"You might want to get a coat, though. It could get cold," he mentioned and his

eyes dropped down to my thin red blouse. I realized that my attire, though casual
wasn't really suitable for hiking.

"Umm… okay, but maybe I should change clothes. These aren't-"

"No!" he shouted startling me, before beginning again more softly, "Sorry. I mean,

no, you don't need to change. The trail is short and mostly flat, so you're fine."

The reason for his sudden outburst was unclear, so I didn't dwell on it.

"Okay, I'll just grab my jacket," I spoke quietly, before grabbing one from the hall

closet.

When I returned, Edward gave me a lopsided grin and offered his arm to me. It

was a sweet gesture that would get me physically closer to him, so I took it.

Fuck, he smelled nice. I looked up at him to give him a reassuring smile, which

only made me realize how much taller he was than me. I was pretty sure he was
taller than James as well.

He walked us out to his car - a sporty little, silver Volvo. I thought it was nice, but

I made no mention of my opinion.

I found it difficult to contain my shock when he opened my door for me and guided

me part of the way into the car with a warm hand at the small of back. I wondered
where his sudden 'suaveness' came from. I wasn't about to complain though - it was
nice.

"Thank you," I murmured quietly.

- 57 -

As he walked to his side of the car I took a moment to appraise him without his

knowledge. In addition to the fact that he smelled like heaven, he looked so casually
sexy. How in the hell is he still single?

Edward revved the engine and pulled out of my driveway quickly. At the rate he

was driving, it wasn't long before we made it to the diner.

When we got there, I recognized a few cars were parked there belonging to some

my classmates - Jane, Alec, and Tyler. I froze in my seat.

Before I had a chance make an excuse as to why I couldn't go in with him, he

placed his hand on mine to get my attention. My head shot up and my heart pounded
in my chest from the confusion and excitement I felt as a jolt of electricity seemed to
pass from his hand to mine. If he felt it, he was good at hiding it. When my eyes met
his they were only filled with understanding.

I had almost forgotten where we were when he spoke suddenly.

"What would you like to eat? I'm just going to run in and pick it up," he offered,

making no mention of the fact that he knew I didn't want to be seen with him. How
can he be so kind and understanding?

His constant thoughtfulness made me feel so unworthy of his attention.

Absentmindedly, I managed to give him my order. Once he'd gone inside the diner

to retrieve it I took a moment to clear my clouded thoughts.

Since my little show at the front door and while going up the stairs, I'd almost

forgotten about my plan to seduce Edward. Of course, I still wanted to go through
with it, but I wondered if I shouldn't just let him have this date without the games,
without the teasing and innuendo, to just be.

I was ahead of schedule, having already found a suitable guy, and with almost a

week and a half to spare, I didn't have to rush it, did I?

Thank you all for your support and amazing reviews! They mean so much!

Please be sure to Check out the first chapter to my new fic Violaine ~ After a bad

break-up Bella needs a temporary distraction. She finds it in a mysterious masked
man at her college Halloween party. What began as a means to distraction, left Bella

- 58 -

with more than she bargained for. No names. No faces. AH E/B Lemons/Language

I am on Twitter, follow me (at)SoapyMayhem or check out my blog

www(dot)SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com

I am currently open for banner requests, my work and request form is available on

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Also I have submitted a O/S called Love Tokyo Style for April's Autism Awareness

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Thanks to all my readers. I love you all!

- 59 -

Chapter 12

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

I want to thanks Twimarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

This is my favorite chapter of 'Losing It' so far, so I hope you all enjoy!

Warning this chapter contains imagery which some may find disturbing.

Chapter 12 ** Disappointment**

**Edward Cullen**

The diner was fairly packed and I noticed a few kids from school huddled together

in a booth sipping on milkshakes. Alec, a guy I tutored in English, noticed me at the
counter ordering my food and nodded at me, while Jane, his girlfriend, gave me a
small smile. I returned both greetings and proceeded to place our order.

As I waited for the food, my mind wandered back to Bella and her 'mood swings',

one minute she was torturing me like some kind of seductress, while the next she
was quiet, contemplative, maybe even nervous.

I knew she wasn't comfortable being seen with me in the diner where her friends

were present and maybe that should have hurt my feelings, but it didn't. I knew
what I was getting into with Bella, and at his point she was just not ready for that
kind of confrontation yet. I didn't intend to give up.

When I returned to the car with our food, Bella was smiling at me.

Her expression did funny things to my stomach, and it wasn't because she was

beautiful. It was the first time I'd ever seen her smile that way. It wasn't fake, or
forced. It was simply genuine.

- 60 -

"You made sure to order them right?" she asked still smiling.

"Yes and if I didn't know any better, I'd think you wanted them to keep me from

kissing you," I teased with a slight smirk on my face.

"Yes… well. I didn't think you wanted to do that tonight anyway. It being our first

date and all," she muttered nervously. I knew when she said 'that' she meant more
than just kissing. She was referring to our agreement.

I wasn't in the mood to hash out the details of 'that' so I simply made light of the

matter. "First date it may be, but I will probably want to kiss you at some point, and
you should know, onion breath is an aphrodisiac to me," I joked fighting to keep my
expression serious.

Bella's lip began to twitch with suppressed laughter.

"Have an onion ring Bella," I crooned breathily, and then licked my lips.

She snorted, making the most unladylike sound I'd ever heard escape her lips. She

began laughing so hard that she clutched her chest as if she were in pain. I couldn't
help but join her.

When she finally gained her composure, she snatched the non-descript paper sack

from my hand and grabbed a few of the greasy onion treats. I passed her a napkin,
and chuckled.

This was the girl I'd been waiting for. No mask, no pretenses – just Bella. I

wondered how long I'd get to keep her.

I made sure not to let my concerns show in my expression. I was willing to give

her a chance to redeem herself.

I drove us to the area where the trail was, just a few miles down the road. She

made no move to get out of the car.

"You want to have the rest now or take it to eat on our hike?" I asked smiling.

"Now…" she said looking almost sheepish. "…I kind of missed lunch today."

I frowned, but made no comment. I didn't like that she'd skipped a meal, but I

wasn't her protector.

- 61 -

I gave her the rest of the onion rings and her burger, and we ate in comfortable

silence.

~*o*LI*o*~

I was, both surprised and grateful that Bella was an outdoorsy type. She seemed

to enjoy nature and the view of the forest, especially the small waterfall we passed
on our way to the end of the trail.

Our conversation was easier than I expected, and Bella was even smarter than I'd

originally thought, though her intelligence hadn't seemed to help her when it came
to matters of the heart, but it wasn't too late for her to change.

As I'd promised, the trail was short. When we came to the end, she gasped in

wonder.

"Have you seen it before?" I asked knowing by her reaction she hadn't had this

kind of view.

"Yes… but… it was nothing like this," she sighed dreamily.

As spectacular as the view was, the sun setting over La Push beach from the cliff's

edge held nothing on Bella's beauty.

The setting sun was glowing on her face - still giving off a small amount of

warmth, and few strands of her hair were blowing in the light ocean breeze. I'd
never wanted to kiss a girl as badly as I wanted to kiss Bella in that moment - onion
breath and all. I hoped she'd let me.

Gently I ran my fingers down the length of her bare arm. She shivered slightly.

I knew the risk I was taking. If she didn't want to kiss me that was okay, but if she

did, I needed to be prepared for the chance that she would still choose the ass-hat
over me. I had to decide if it was a risk I was willing to take.

She smiled beautifully, and I knew I was a goner.

"b-Bella, can I… k-kiss you?" I sputtered. Before I had a chance to be

embarrassed, she nodded almost shyly and turned her body towards mine.

I gazed deeply into her eyes trying desperately to gage her reactions to my touch,

as my fingers reversed their previous route back up her arm and up the side of her

- 62 -

neck. I brushed her pulse point softly with my thumb as I closed the distance
between us. Simultaneously, we licked our lips before they pressed together
hesitantly.

Her eye lids fluttered shut breaking our gaze as her mouth began moving with

mine. When her hand wrapped around the back of my neck and her fingers wound in
my hair, I couldn't help but close my eyes.

Her body was suddenly pressed against mine, and as I opened my mouth to moan

at the contact, her tongue slipped in.

It was the most intense moment of my life, and Bella showed no signs of stopping,

but as much as my body revolted against it, I began to bring our kiss to an end. Once
Bella began to slow her pace to match mine, I broke our connection and rested my
forehead against hers. My hands had not received the memo to stop and continued
to brush against her neck and lower back.

"Wow," I sighed breathily and opened my eyes.

In my mind, I expected the beautiful look of wonder that had graced Bella's face at

the sight of the gorgeous sunset, what I saw in reality wrenched my heart from my
chest.

Bella was crying and she looked so lost and confused, almost angry.

What the fuck had I done wrong?

"Bella?" I asked worriedly, because I couldn't hide the panic in my voice, nor could

I help but grasp her tighter in my hands as though she were going to disappear or
free fall from the cliff.

She stiffened in my arms and pulled away.

"Take me home, Edward," she said quietly.

"Bella-"

"Take. Me. Home. Edward. Now," she said suddenly sounding colder than I'd ever

heard her before.

I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut, but I dropped my hands to my side and

followed her as we walked silently back to the car in a hurried pace.

- 63 -

I knew when I dropped her off at her house and she gave me a clipped 'goodnight'

that I had failed at the one thing I'd tried my hardest to prevent.

I hadn't guarded my heart at all, and Bella's rejection had hurt, badly.

~*o*LI*o*~

I was worried that I'd have to lie about my date to Alice, but she was thankfully

absorbed in a conversation on the phone with Jasper when I arrived.

I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and tried to dissect Bella's

behavior. The more I thought about it the worse the ache in my chest felt. So I
decided it was best not to think about it all until I had a chance to talk to her again.

I hoped that Bella would give me a chance to speak to her at school tomorrow, or

maybe she'd be willing to meet me after class at the park again.

When it came to Bella, the only thing that had been certain was that she was

determined to have sex with me, but now I wasn't even sure if that was an option,
much less that I'd even get to experience another mind-blowing kiss with her again.

I fell into a restless sleep and woke up often to various nightmares in which Bella

turned away from me.

In the most horrific one, with tears in her eyes, Bella backed away until she was at

the cliff's edge. She looked directly into my eyes and spread her arms out wide. I
was paralyzed to stop her as she said 'goodbye' and fell into the darkness.

The terrifying images had me waking up in a cold sweat. I glanced at my alarm

clock and noticed it was nearly time for me to get ready for school.

~*o*LI*o*~

The school day began with the entire student body gossiping about a new student.

Instead of getting wrapped up in the excitement, I stayed withdrawn and snapped at
anyone who tried to speak to me. Bella was absent.

Once lunch had passed and it was clear that she wouldn't even be showing up for

a half day, I made my way to Biology class and sat next to the chair I knew would
remain empty.

The bell rang for class to begin, but before Mr. Banner could begin speaking, the

- 64 -

door opened.

She was tall with an athletic build and long strawberry blonde hair that just

brushed the tops of her breasts. She looked a little nervous, but smiled and waved at
a few girls in the class.

"Oh… nice of you to join us Miss Denali," Mr. Banner said with mock sarcasm. The

girl blushed and then smiled awkwardly. "Class as some of you may already know,
we have a new student who just moved here from Alaska. Tanya, just have a seat in
the empty seat next to Edward, since his partner is absent today."

I swallowed audibly as she glanced around the room seeking Bella's chair beside

me. When her gaze fell on the empty space where Bella normally sat, she looked up
to me, her eyes widening a bit. I gave her a small smile which she returned before
looking down and blushing as she made her way to take the seat.

This seemed wrong to me. This girl was in Bella's chair, but would Bella even

care?

So whats going to happen with Edward and Tanya? Why do you guys think Bella

freaked out?

I love to hear from you...

Thank you all for your support and amazing reviews! They mean so much!

Please be sure to Check out the first chapter to my new fic Violaine ~ After a bad

break-up, Bella needs a temporary distraction. She finds it in a mysterious masked
man at her college Halloween party. What began as a means to distraction, left Bella
with more than she bargained for. No names. No faces. AH E/B Lemons/Language

I am on Twitter, follow me (at)SoapyMayhem or check out my blog

www(dot)SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com

- 65 -

Chapter 13

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

I want to thanks Twimarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

For those of you who have been pissed off by Bella, I hope this starts to make up

for it.

Also for those of you who have been worried, I will always write a HEA. Don't

worry.

Here is a quick update. Part 2, still Bella POV will post in a few days. See you at

the bottom. :)

Chapter 13 **The Twilight Zone Pt. 1**

~*Bella Swan*~

Seven texts, and three missed calls - all from Edward.

At some point I'd decided that I would answer the next time he called, but after

Friday he hadn't attempted to reach me again.

For the most part, Tuesday night had been simply amazing. After the carefree

conversation we'd shared in the car, I was reluctant to hike through the woods. The
sun was setting and I wasn't sure how well Edward knew the trails, or how we'd get
out if we were there when it got dark.

The trail was short though and led us directly to the cliffs overlooking La Push

beach. Seeing the sun set from the edge changed something in me. Maybe it was
cliché, but it made me feel more alive than I'd felt the entire time I'd lived in Forks.
Edward had given me that gift, so I didn't dare deny him when he asked for a kiss.

- 66 -

I let him kiss me almost as a thank you for giving me the experience, which was

why I was totally caught of guard by the feelings that were unlocked from the
pressure of his skillful lips.

They were gentle, and sweet, but passionate and just perfection. It was nothing

like the harsh, demanding, kiss from James.

Edward gave so much. He put his heart in that kiss, and I wanted it - him. I

needed him.

He brought the kiss to an end, breaking the spell I was under. I hadn't even

realized I was crying until the hot tears streaming down my face began to cool in the
ocean breeze.

His astonishment hadn't even begun to describe the way he'd made me feel.

I was lost, and I knew he was the way home, not James - that wasn't love.

I knew I wasn't in love with Edward as far as I could tell, but I felt strongly enough

for him in that moment to realize that James was nothing more than an unhealthy
obsession.

I wasn't ready to admit this to Edward. I had barely been able to acknowledge the

feelings to myself, so I pushed him away. I fucking pushed and cried and pushed and
hurt. I hurt Edward and myself.

At my request, he dropped me off, cutting our date short. It almost shattered me

to see him looking at me with so much confusion in his beautiful eyes, but I didn't
trust myself to speak.

Waking up the following morning with an eye infection was a good reason not to

go to school, and it gave me a the excuse I needed to delay the eminent
confrontation with Edward.

It was now Saturday, and I had yet to respond to his message. I'd typed out

several replies but couldn't bring myself to send any of them. After much debate, I
sent a quick message. It was the best I could offer. I needed to talk to him in person.

I will see you on Monday. I'm sorry. - B

I sat on the bathroom counter near the open window, so the smoke wouldn't cloud

the room and alert my mom that I was smoking in the house again. I'd probably

- 67 -

sucked down three cigarettes before I finally heard the familiar chime of a new text.
Edward.

Okay. Good to know you aren't dead. - E

I knew I deserved his cold response, and much more, but I was thankful for the

teasing. As sarcastic as it was, he replied, and that gave me hope.

In the last four days, I'd hidden away from the world, had every intention of

ignoring anyone and everyone, aside from my mother - but not for a lack of trying,
though. The weird thing was, that Edward and my mom were the only people I
actually had to make an effort to ignore.

There were no missed calls or texts from Lauren, Jessica, Jane, or even Heidi.

Aside from a few face book messages from people I really didn't know, Edward had
been the only non-family member to even attempt to reach me. He'd even gone so
far as to offer to pick up my school assignments. Mom had already taken care of it,
but the fact that he even considered it was enough to make me swoon, and then feel
like an even bigger asshole.

I had to fix this.

Without James, I had no ties to my current life. Nothing to bind me to superficial

fake friends, with whom I shared no common interests. They proved to me how little
they cared time and time again, and I'd overlooked it, because it was
counterproductive to my plan.

I needed a new fucking plan.

~*o*LI*o*~

The puffy, redness caused by the infection was finally gone, and I was able to

wear lenses again, but I decided to keep my glasses on. Without the need to impress
James, I dressed casually and left my hair down and wavy, instead of straight as I
usually wore it.

When I took a good look in the mirror, I knew something was different, and it

wasn't just my clothes. It was the smile on my face. I was ready for a change.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I arrived at school, but it certainly wasn't what

greeted me.

- 68 -

Who the hell was the strawberry blonde, Amazon girl, and why the fuck did she

have her fingers in Edward's hair?

So how do you guys think Bella is going to react? Will she go all caveman or hide

and cry? Let me know what you think...

Follow me on twitter ()SoapyMayhem or on my blog

SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com

I recently posted a new chapter of Edward Cullen: Confessions of a Serial

Killer. My next chapter to post will be an update for Edward Cullen: Confessions
of a Love Sick Geek, then another Losing It and then next chapter of Violaine.

For those unfamiliar with Violaine check out the first chapter as well as my

teaser posters on my bio

Violaine - After a bad break-up Bella needs a temporary distraction. She finds it

in a mysterious masked man at her college Halloween party. What began as a means
to distraction, left Bella with more than she bargained for. No names. No faces. AH
E/B Lemons and angst.

- 69 -

Chapter 14

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

I want to thanks Twimarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

Sorry about the delay in posting. I have tried to get on a writing schedule so I can

work on all my WIP's equally, and it caused me to avoid writing like the plague for a
few weeks. I intend to finish this soon and I only for see maybe 4 or 5 more
chapters. For those who asked. there will be a lemon. I promise!

See you guys at the bottom!

Chapter 14 **The Twilight Zone Pt. 2**

~*Bella Swan*~

Slack-jawed, I watched as the curvy, blonde slid her fingers into Edward's hair

flirtatiously as they chatted with Alice and Jasper. Edward seemed embarrassed by
her attention and playfully swatted at her hand while shaking his head shyly.
Though he had pushed her away it was in a teasing manner as though he hadn't
truly minded.

I had been slowly working up the courage to approach Edward, even though his

sister probably hated me and I knew nothing of the new admirer he'd collected in
my absence, but the idea was dead before it could even take shape in my thoughts
when I noticed Jessica and Lauren approach the girl excitedly. She squeezed
Edward's arm in show of affection and then waved goodbye to Alice and Jasper
before hooking arms with my former friends and sashaying off toward my direction.

As they passed, Lauren and Jessica appeared to have not even noticed my

presence.

- 70 -

I felt an irrational hatred for this new girl, and it wasn't just because she was with

my friends, or that she was getting 'handsy' with Edward, though that certainly had
me seeing red. It was because she'd obviously succeeded in the one thing I never
could - never tried. She had bridged the gap.

This perfect, tall, Clearasil cover-girl, had managed to make friends with the

popular kids and the so-called 'losers' of the school at the same time. She had
succeeded in every way I'd failed and much to my dismay, had been here for Edward
when I was a raving bitch, who never would have spoken to him in the first place, if I
hadn't needed to use him for my own personal gain.

There was no competition. She would win. She already had.

I had been fooling myself if I thought that I could suddenly come back and be

sweet to Edward in front of everyone - maybe hold his hand - and somehow all the
awful shit I'd said and done to him and his sister or any other unpopular kid in the
past, would easily be forgotten.

I was fucked.

I was about ready to run and hide in the library until first period, when as if he

could sense my presence, Edward looked up from his apparently amusing
conversation with Alice and caught me staring. Quickly his face wiped itself clean of
emotion as he regarded me carefully. I blushed under his sudden scrutiny and
adjusted my glasses, unnecessarily when I felt the need to do something with my
hands.

I knew he could sense how ill at ease I was when he gave me a confused glance

and excused himself from Alice and Jasper before walking toward my direction. I
simply chose not to look at the scowl I was sure Alice would be sporting just for me,
and tried to smile at Edward. My smile probably looked more like a grimace.

The closer and closer Edward got, the more I began to panic. This feeling was the

sole reason I had ignored his texts and phone calls all week long. I wasn't sure what
to say. How about "I am sorry for trying to have sex with you to get another guy to
want me, but can I still have sex with you anyway?" or "Even though I ruined the
most amazing date ever, would you be opposed to forgetting it and taking me on
another one?" That shit sounded so pathetic and it wasn't enough for that matter. I
felt like I owed him more, but now that he had this new girl, I wouldn't stand a
chance. I didn't deserve one.

My erratic thoughts were put on hold as Edward approached me with almost a

- 71 -

pitying expression his beautiful face. I wanted to cry. I never cried.I must have
looked like shit for him to look at me that way. I certainly felt like shit.

When he was in finally standing there in front of me, I looked toward the ground

unable to meet his eyes.

"Hey," I muttered quietly.

"Good morning, Bella," he replied, his tone wary.

The silence was defining, and I was fairly certain he was waiting on an

explanation, but before I could give him one, I caught sight of his feet retreating
down the hall.

My lips quivered and my eyes watered, but I held back the impending breakdown

and headed toward my locker. Alice moved into my line of sight, and I could tell she
had words for me - angry hateful words of warning that would only shatter the
unsteady wall that was precariously holding my fragile ego together. Before she
could open her mouth to tear me a new one, Jasper grabbed her arm and pulled her
away. I couldn't help but be relieved knowing that he'd sensed I was about to break
and prevented Alice from kicking me while I was down.

I stood at my locker for a few minutes using the door as if it were a shield that

could protect me from the hell of my own making. I was pathetic, and I'd never felt
so alone in my entire life. And much to my surprise, the moment I was most
vulnerable, James was suddenly standing by my side.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, are you doing this on purpose just to tease me for turning you

down last weekend?" he asked mischievously.

"What?" I snapped, hating to be reminded of that awful night.

"Feisty," he teased chuckling, "I'm referring to your little outfit - the sexy nerd

look. It makes me so fucking hard."

My body stiffened, and all my instincts were telling me to run from this predator,

but I was frozen in place.

"Bella, first period doesn't start for ten more minutes and I couldn't possibly focus

in class knowing your somewhere in this building looking like that, unless I get some
kind of release. So, why don't you hurry up, grab your books and follow me to the
boiler room," he whispered rakishly.

- 72 -

"James, I thought you wouldn't fuck virgins," I replied weakly.

"I won't, but I'll still fuck that pretty mouth," he whispered in my ear using a

seductive tone.

James' proposition left me feeling nauseated, but I needed an ego boost so badly

that I was seriously considering doing it. What was left to stop me? I'd lost
everything else, and here was James, offering me something - anything.

Since it appeared as though Edward hated me now and had moved on to someone

who was probably perfect for him, I would just have to move on as well. The only
problem was the fact that I was pretty sure I had accidentally fallen in love with him.

I realized James was looking at me expectantly with a brow arched and his eyes

filled with unbridled lust. I averted my eyes uncomfortably, a when I did, I caught
sight of Edward down the hall drinking from the water fountain, seemingly without a
care in the world.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, hoping to wake from this nightmare, and

when I opened them, everything in my life was just as fucked as before.

Who feels bad for Bella now? What is going on with Edward? Who likes Tanya?

I love to hear your opinions and theories!

Follow me on twitter ()SoapyMayhem tumblr

soapymayhem(dot)tumblr(dot)com or on my blog
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Check out the forum TwiFicPics(dot)com There you will find a banner
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TTFN

- 73 -

Chapter 15

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

I want to thanks Twimarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

We are winding down, so that means only a few more chapters guys! They are

going to be a bit longer too, so I can give this a proper ending.

Here is the long awaited EPOV I hope you guys enjoy!

See you guys at the bottom!

Chapter 15 **Absence and Fondness**

**Edward Cullen**

Many have said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and Bella had been

absent for a while. Three days to be exact. It had been three days since I'd dropped
her off at her driveway and left feeling confused.

Her actions hadn't made sense at the time. The only conclusions I could come up

with were that either kissing me disgusted her because I wasn't the jackass she was
in love with, or that she liked kissing me more than she expected and maybe felt
confused or angry. I was naively holding out hope that it was the later, because I
could work with that.

After three days, I'd given up trying to make contact with her. I was a little pissed,

but I hoped she was using this time away to work out some of her issues. She had to
see how fucked up this whole 'losing her virginity' situation was. And though I hated
her plan, I couldn't regret agreeing to it. It was the only way I knew I could protect
her.

- 74 -

Yesterday had been the worst. I'd somehow deluded myself into thinking I could

show up at Bella's and she'd agree to see me. I was wrong.

I stood at the door for nearly two minutes after knocking when the door finally

opened.

A slightly disheveled brunette who looked like an older version of Bella opened the

door.

Her eyes were glassy and she smelled like a liquor cabinet. The way she eyed me

up and down had only added to the sudden unease I felt in her presence.

She asked me if I was 'Bella's little boyfriend, James' and I shook my head no

while trying to fight the growl of irrational anger that threatened to take over at the
mention of that asshole's name.

When I corrected her misconception, mentioning that I was Edward Cullen, she

seemed pleased, no doubt having realize that my father was chief of staff at the local
hospital.

Not wanting to draw out our meeting any further, I cleared my throat and spoke

quickly. I asked if Bella would see me and was left standing at the door as she
sashayed up the stairs. She returned alone and I felt my face fall. I didn't even try to
hide my disappointment. Sounding a bit monotone, I asked if Bella would be in
school the next day, but she wasn't certain. I wanted to do something to help, so I
asked if I could bring Bella her homework to do over the weekend, but Renee, as she
asked me to call her, had already picked it up earlier that day.

I left shortly after and drove home.

Blood pounded in my ears so loudly that I hadn't even realized that I'd been sitting

in my drive way for half an hour.

The ring tone I assigned for Tanya was tinkling in my pocket.

"Hey Tanya," I muttered distractedly.

"Did you do it?" she asked excitedly.

"Yep," I replied, my tone laced saccharine sweet.

"And…?" she drawled hopefully.

- 75 -

"And she wouldn't see me," I grumbled sounding like a petulant child.

"The girl is probably confused and just needs a little more time. At least talk to her

once more before you give up," she said with a sad sigh.

"You're right, and thanks for talking to me about Bella. I would normally go to

Alice for a girl's point of view, but she hasn't exactly been Bella's biggest fan," I
replied despondently.

"If it's meant to be with you and Bella, then I'm sure Alice will eventually come

around," she countered hopefully.

Tanya had been fantastic in helping me deal with my feelings for Bella the last

couple of days.

At first I'd been reluctant to share anything with her, but her outgoing nature and

teasing questions had somehow managed to coax me into admitting to my girl
problems.

Of course I left out the part about Bella's proposition and the true reason she'd

reluctantly agreed to a date, because I couldn't betray her that way. There was also
the fact that the story kind of painted me as a bit of a desperate loser and might
have seemed like I would be taking advantage her situation by not refusing to be a
part of it.

What I had told Tanya was that Bella, a popular girl, reluctantly went on a date

with me seemed like she was truly enjoying it and then when I kissed her she
responded to me like I was the last drop of water in the desert only to freak out
afterwards and avoid me for days.

Tanya had a theory, and it was quite close to the one that I had originally

concocted about Bella being afraid of what she felt for me. I hoped she was right.

I sent Bella another text Thursday night letting her know I'd been by and that I'd

offered to pick up her homework. She probably already knew but I didn't want to
take any chances that her drunken mother would remember to mention that I'd
offered.

School on Friday was uneventful until lunch when I noticed the normal seating

arrangement at the popular table had shifted. Tanya had moved into Lauren's seat
to sit next to Tyler and Lauren now occupied Bella's usual spot in front of James.

- 76 -

James. The thought of that douche suddenly reminded me of my conversation with

Bella's mother. She thought I was 'Bella's little boyfriend James'. As soon as the
memory filled my brain, everything suddenly clicked into place.

James was the asshole who had broken Bella emotionally and then sent her on a

fucked up adventure designed to debase and humiliate her. He was the guy who
refused to have sex with a virgin so the girls were less likely to become clingy, well
either that or he had some kind of blood phobia. No matter the reason, he was a
total jackass and didn't deserve a girl like Bella. Even if she was acting like a bit of a
bitch by ignoring me.

My epiphany had me wanting to talk to Bella now more than ever.

It wasn't until I got home that everything started turning to shit.

Alice was standing outside my bedroom door as I finished leaving Bella another

voicemail after another called had gone unanswered.

"Why do you bother Edward?" Alice asked irritably.

I scrubbed my hand over my pale face removing my glasses, and then began

squeezing the bridge of my nose in a fruitless attempt to relieve some of the
pressure building between my ears.

"Alice I felt something the other night when I kissed Bella, and it seemed like she

did too. I just want to give her another chance to make things right. If I could only
talk to her, I could…." I argued before trailing off. I didn't really know what to
expect from talking with her. When, or maybe if, I got the chance, I wasn't even sure
what I'd say.

Alice sighed and appeared unhappy with my answer.

"Jas told me something this afternoon and said that I probably shouldn't tell you,

but I couldn't let this go on any longer," Alice mentioned cryptically.

I frowned knowing that whatever Alice had to say wasn't going to be good news.

I motioned for her to continue knowing she wouldn't be able to keep it to herself

now that she'd brought it up.

"He said that he overheard some guys talking in the locker room the other day

about Bella. He said that James Hunter and Marcus Reed were bragging about girls

- 77 -

they fucked around with at some Halloween party at Mike Newton's last weekend,
and that James mentioned that he'd fingered Bella in Mike's parents bedroom…"

I felt nauseated by her words. I wanted to pour bleach on my brain, rip my ears

off, or shove a dirty t-shirt into Alice's mouth to make her shut up, but I didn't and
she continued. I felt her words searing flesh from m bones.

"… then he said that he was going to fuck her at some party next weekend as long

as she took care of her little problem - whatever that means," Alice spat. My
stomach churned and I reached for my phone to call Bella again but Alice snatched
it from my hands first. I didn't put up much of a fight.

Alice held onto my phone for the rest of the night and only gave it back when

Tanya called. Alice smiled like that Cheshire cat and wiggled her brows suggestively
. I knew what she was insinuating, but I didn't like Tanya like that. Sure she was
pretty and nice, but I didn't feel that electricity like I did when Bella was near. I
knew Tanya thought I was cute too, but I was fairly certain that she was over the
moon for Tyler Crowley.

Tanya brought me up to speed on her day, while I tried to keep the conversation

Bella-free.

I couldn't bring myself to call Bella back after hearing about her experience with

James.

I tried to look at the situation logically as an observer, but I couldn't detach. All I

could think about was the fact that Alice's words made it seem that James was quite
sure he'd be with Bella next weekend. This made me wonder if they'd been in
contact during her absence.

Had he seen her, spoken to her on the phone?

Had Bella found someone else to take care of her 'little problem' so that she could

be with him and then forget about me?

The worst possibly outcome I could imagine was Bella coming back to be with

James, while I became the invisible lab partner again?

Those were the bitter, torturous thoughts that were running through my head on

Sunday afternoon when my phone buzzed with a new text. Shock was the only
emotion on my face as I sat the phone down unable to bring myself to read it. For
days I'd tried to reach her and now that I'd finally gotten a response. I was too

- 78 -

chicken-shit to look at it.

My curiosity finally won out over my sense of self preservation and I opened the

message. It wasn't at all what I'd expected.

I will see you on Monday. I'm sorry. - B

I was both relieved and dumbfounded. What was she apologizing for? I mean there

were countless things I could think of that I deserved an apology for, but I had no
idea what she was thinking. Was this for something in particular or maybe even an
all encompassing apology for every bad thing she'd said or done to me?

I sent her a sarcastic reply and snapped my phone shut.

I wasn't going to dwell on it until I had a chance to talk to her. So, with a heavy

heart, I laid in bed the rest of the night dreading the impending conversation and
holding out for a small shred of hope that it wouldn't hurt as much as I expected it
to.

"You are such a liar Edward. There is no way your hair just does that on its own,"

Tanya teased swatting at me as I gave her a mocking growl, pretending to be
insulted.

"I'll have you know that I don't put a lick of product in my hair," I countered

smugly, feeling thankful for the distracting conversation. I needed this.

Still skeptical, Tanya ran her fingers through my hair and ooh'ed and ahh'd over

the "silkiness" as she called it. I was embarrassed by her attention and couldn't help
but remember how Bella's fingers had felt in my hair when I was on the verge of a
panic attack in the park just a week earlier.

Tanya's other friends, Jessica and Lauren, or the vapid ones, as Alice called them,

came up and dragged her off, and that was when I noticed her.

Bella.

Her name was on the tip of my tongue, daring me to utter it. I had to get control. I

fixed my gaze on her with an emotionless stare, and prayed she wouldn't see my
weakness.

I was so busy focusing on hiding the emotional storm brewing inside me that I

hadn't even realized that this Bella, didn't look like the Bella I'd been ignored by for

- 79 -

three month's, or the Bella who exposed herself shamelessly after I knocked at her
door, or even the one who propositioned me for sex, as if it were a matter of life or
death.

This Bella looked broken.

She looked deathly pale, dark circle's partially obscured by the thick frames of her

prescription glasses, loose fitting clothing that hid the sensual curves that she
normally accentuated, and a pair of well worn Chucks, that I couldn't believe she
even owned.

She looked up at me in what looked like a weak attempt to smile through her

obvious sadness, only to look away toward the ground.

I was about to place a finger to her chin to make her look at me when I

remembered what and who we were. I had nearly forgot my place.

"Hi," she whispered weakly.

I clenched my jaw tight needing to gain some control of my voice.

"Good morning, Bella," I replied anxiously.

I had questions that needed answering, but my lips moved soundlessly unable to

form any words.

Bella was punishing her bottom lip, assaulting it with her straight white teeth, and

I felt a wave of sympathy crash over me that she seemed as nervous as I was. I was
about to open when I noticed a commotion happening behind Bella.

James stood several feet behind Bella, but it was obvious he was motioning toward

her. He gave a sharp thrust of his hips into the air towards her direction and
motioned as if he were spanking the imaginary woman he pretended to take from
behind.

Mike and Marcus stood by chuckling and gave him a high five.

My mind wandered without my permission, imagining James taking Bella that

way.

I was going to puke.

- 80 -

I walked away from Bella without a single word of explanation, and proceeded to

the bathroom where I spent the next few minutes emptying the contents of my
stomach.

With an new sense of emptiness, I cleared my head and trudged out of the

bathroom and into the busy hallway.

My mouth tasted sour, so I cleansed my palate at the water fountain.

I finished, and wiped the loose droplets of water from my chin with the sleeve of

my navy thermal, and looked up searching for Alice. I needed gum.

As I searched the length of the hall for my sprightly sister my eyes were drawn to

Bella at her locker looking almost dead, like all the life had been sucked out of her
eyes. She was staring at me, but it was as if she was seeing through me. A certain
hopelessness seemed to creep out and take hold, but I fought it. I wouldn't let it
consume me.

My feet seemed to have a life of there own and began propelling me, and it was

only the primal need to protect her that drew me closer to answer her silent plea for
help.

I was halfway there when I realized that James was there roughly digging his

fingers into Bella's fragile arm pulling at her, trying to get her to follow.

Had he not noticed the tears that were starting to stream down her face, or the

way her feet seemed to be planted firmly in the ground, resisting him?

"Come on Bella, my cock's not gonna suck itself," he chuckled at his own

disgusting joke as if he were some kind of comedic genius. I was thankful in that
moment that I had nothing left to vomit.

Bella shook her head at James' request and looked back up at me again.

She needed me. I had to get her away from him.

I could do this without violence, right?

Is violence unavoidable? Should Edward try to avoid a fight in this situation?

- 81 -

I have several Tanya haters and few who thought that she was a better match for

Edward. Has anyone changed their mind?

I love to hear your opinions and theories!

spoiler alert: If you still hate Tanya with a passion, you may want to check out

Edward Cullen: Confessions of a Serial Killer. in it, Edward kills Tanya, or for
more fluff less horror try Edward Cullen Confessions of a Love Sick Geek in
which Edward pukes on her.

Follow me on twitter ()SoapyMayhem tumblr

soapymayhem(dot)tumblr(dot)com or on my blog
SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Need a banner for your story? or O/S? Writing a for a Charity or Cause?

Check out the forum TwiFicPics(dot)com There you will find a banner
request forum and dozens of talented artists ready to make you something
that will draw in new readers.

TTFN

- 82 -

Chapter 16

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

I want to thanks Twimarti, by beta and xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

Chapter 16 **Misconceptions**

~*Bella Swan*~

"Come on Bella, my cock's not gonna suck itself," James insisted gruffly before

laughing at his self-perceived cleverness, while I shrank further into the numbing
void that freed me from the dark thoughts swirling around in my brain.

I had sense enough to shake my head - refusing his request, but his fingers only

dug deeper into my arm at my refusal.

This was not the James I thought I knew. He wasn't the aloof, pretty-boy with

intelligent eyes, a sparkling smile and witty banter, that I had once thought I loved.

This James was a narcissistic asshole, with no manners or respect for women, and

was currently refusing to take no for an answer.

I felt almost helpless, my tongue thick with the inability to produce a bitchy insult

or to yell at him to 'back the fuck off.'

The fact that the words were lodged in my throat only made my panic increase

that much more.

My gaze turned away from James' irritated stare not wanting to see the moment

when his impatience morphed into the anger that I knew was just simmering under
the surface.

- 83 -

I didn't know what he would do when that happened. I didn't want to know.

In an instant, the atmosphere around me changed the moment I felt a prickling

sensation on the back of my neck. My eyes were suddenly drawn to darkened green,
set beneath brows furrowed in anger and revulsion.

My eyes became pleading as I gazed at Edward's lithe form moving purposefully

toward James and me.

His face was full of disdain - disgust.

I realized in that moment that he knew.

He could see me for who I was - all the weakness inside that I'd hidden carefully

behind a façade of designer clothes, vapid friends, arrogance, and lastly, worst of all
- my ill-placed infatuation with James.

He could see me, and the weak little girl inside, that I'd carefully locked away

since I'd come to Forks and realized that I could create a new image for myself.

Gone was Isabella, the shy, nerdy, bookworm, with only two friends and no

interested boys. I'd become Bella - sexy, popular, amoral and cruel. But with his
honest eyes and a life-changing kiss, Edward had stripped away the poorly crafted
walls leaving me bare and raw without a sense of self, other than the knowledge that
I needed him - to be with him. Even if it was only as a friend. I needed him.

"Bella are you fucking coming or what?" James spat, having lost the tentative grip

he'd had on his irritation.

The words I longed to say, still wouldn't spill from my lips, but my feet stayed

firmly planted in place.

Edward's presence had at least helped to strengthen my resolve.

"Bella, is everything okay?" Edward asked concerned, but I sensed a hint of

warning laced in his tone. I wasn't sure if James picked up on it.

"Fuck-off, Cullen" James retorted with a sneer.

"I need to talk to her, James," Edward replied calmly - more successfully hiding his

disgust than the boy digging his fingers into my arm.

- 84 -

"Give her about ten minutes, then you can have your turn," James replied

suggestively. Edward's eyes flashed deadly at the implication.

James apparently had no sense of self preservation, because he continued, "With

what I'm packing I'll have her jaw nice and loose for yah."

I knew I was witnessing the calm before the storm, as Edward wordlessly removed

his glasses from his face and hooked them into the breast pocket of his thermal.
With his fist clenched, and knuckles white from stretching over the bone, Edward
gave me a final glance.

The look wasn't of a boy seeking my approval to get into a fight, but of a boy

telling me he was about to start one.

He was warning me.

I waited for him to say something - maybe threaten James or insult him back, but

it never came.

Silently, Edward pulled back and took a swing.

His fist connected with James' cheek in a hard blow.

Closing my eyes, I cringed at the sound hoping that it would stop, but the

pounding sound kept coming and was only intensified by the steady rattle of
multiple impacts against the metal hall lockers.

By that point I was almost too afraid to look.

I knew James and Edward were mostly even in size, if anything Edward was taller

and slightly broader. I had a feeling he could take care of himself in a fight, but I
loathed the idea of seeing Edward hurt.

The sounds of yelling, cursing, and the murmurs of the crowd that had amassed

broke through the hazy fog I'd escaped into.

I felt two pairs of feminine arms wrapped around my own and soft voices calling

my name.

I lifted my head to see Alice and the blonde girl - Edward's girl - trying to pull me

away.

- 85 -

I glanced up hoping that I would find Edward unharmed.

I couldn't get a good look at him, but I could Edward was being restrained by a

husky guy I didn't recognize, while James was slumped over against the lockers a
few feet away from me, nursing a bloodied nose and a red cheek.

I knew there were more pressing matters to concern myself with, but I couldn't

help but feel the sting of guilt from the knowledge that I hardly knew anything about
Edward, yet here he was fighting for me and risking himself for a pathetic girl who
had treated him no better than shit on her heels.

I wanted to protest his efforts to make him stop - to make him realize that I wasn't

worth the trouble he would inevitably face over this.

Mr. Banner was the first adult to take notice, and rushed down the hall quickly.

Some of the crowd had taken notice of his approach. At the mention of Banner's

name, Edward stiffened and stopped fighting against the arms that restrained him.
His eyes went wide with realization and began to seek something.

I wanted to sob at the sight of his split lip and reddened jaw, but when his gaze

locked with mine, his expression unreadable, I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I
wouldn't have much time before he and James would be taken to the nurse to have
their wounds attended to, and then finally to the principal to be disciplined.

Nothing I could think to say seemed to be enough, but I mouthed "thank you" and

"I'm so, so sorry," before turning my eyes downcast, unable to look at him for
another second.

*~*LI*~*

Word got around that both boys had been suspended for fighting - James - one

week and Edward - two weeks.

Logically, I knew no one blamed me, except maybe Alice, but I knew it was my

fault, and I hated that fact.

My plan - the catalyst for all the trouble that followed Edward - tore him from

obscurity, broke his heart and pushed him away from me. My fault.

I had to fix it.

- 86 -

There was nothing I could do to reverse Edward's suspension or to turn back time

and get to know him like a normal person would. I couldn't take back the horrible
things I'd said to his sister, or the callous way I treated many of my classmates in an
effort to impress my former-friends.

I couldn't take any of it back, but I would find a way to make up for it, to make it

right.

*~*LI*~*

My day progressed as I sat silently contemplating the earlier events. It wasn't

until I was joined by an unexpected presence at mine and Edward's lab table in
Biology that I finally gave notice to another human being for the first time in hours.

The perfect blonde Amazon girl - Edward's.

"Excuse me," she said quietly with a polite smile. Her pink tinged cheeks confused

me as she moved to sit in Edward's seat.

"What are you doing?" I asked coolly, trying to keep calm.

"This is my seat now, well actually yours is. Mr. Banner had me sit there when you

were um… you know absent," she said nervously in a manner that seemed
uncharacteristic.

I fought the urge to cock my bitch brow, in an action that was almost second

nature to me now. I recognized that urge as a cruel response to any weakness I
sensed, and all because of my own insecurities.

"I'm Tanya, by the way, and you're Bella," she said with a brighter smile than I

expected.

"Uhh… yeah," I muttered still unsure of her intentions. I turned my head

downward, effectively ending the conversation so I could retreat back into my head.

As Mr. Banner entered the classroom looking disheveled, a soft unladylike snort

startled me.

Tanya leaned toward me with her hand cupped against her mouth. "Is it just me or

does Banner's toupee look like road kill?" she whispered seriously with an edge of
humor playing on her lips.

- 87 -

I gaped at her for a moment, before bursting into a fit of giggles and attracting

the attention of the entire class.

"Ms. Swan, something you want to share with the rest of the class?" Banner

huffed, obviously annoyed by my interruption.

"No, sir," I said still giggling before clearing my throat and trying to appear

impassive again.

"Sorry," Tanya whispered quietly, but still seemingly able to find humor in the

situation.

*~*LI*~*

That night I called Edward, and was informed by his mother that his cell phone

had been confiscated, and that he wasn't allowed any visitors, but that I could call
him on Saturday - when his punishment ended.

During English the following day, I considered asking Alice to give him a note for

me, but I thought better of it.

I later realized that I shared quite a few classes with Tanya. In Western Civ, she

motioned for me to join her group which consisted of Jessica and a bookish girl
named Angela. During the last part of class we were free to chat till the bell rang.
The girls mostly talked shopping. I interjected a few times having plenty of
knowledge on the subject, but pretended to focus my attention elsewhere when
Jessica began prying for Tanya to tell her what boys she liked.

I knew Jessica's M.O., she was trying to make sure Tanya wasn't gunning for

Mike. Tanya, however, remained tightlipped only revealing that she wasn't ready to
tell yet. Jess seemed unsatisfied, but didn't press, for which I was thankful. I wasn't
ready to have my fears confirmed.

*~*LI*~*

As the week progressed, I looked Edward's home number up in the phonebook

and called a couple times hoping I might be able to reach him.

A boy, who introduced himself as Edward's 'better-looking' younger brother

Emmett, answered and informed me that 'Eddie-boy' couldn't come to the phone.

The next time I called, his mother answered again. I felt embarrassed, but

- 88 -

explained that I was hoping Edward's punishment might have been shortened due to
good behavior. She laughed, but informed me that Edward still wasn't allowed any
calls until Saturday.

It was difficult to dislike Tanya, so I gave up trying.

She made me laugh, and offered to help me get back into Alice's good graces.

She brought up Edward a few times mentioning what a great guy he was, and that

he was so sweet and cute. In those times, I hated her, but mostly I was jealous.

"You're perfect for him, you know?" I muttered to Tanya quietly during Thursday's

lab as we worked, identifying the phases of mitosis in onion root tip cells.

"What?" she asked guardedly.

"I think… I think you should ask him out," I replied as the words turned bitter on

my tongue, making me nauseated.

"Bella, I…" she started to protest, but I interrupted.

"Look, he deserves someone kind and pretty like you. Someone who won't use him

or make him feel like shit - the way I treated him…" I said pleadingly, feeling a
traitor tear slide down my burning cheek.

Before I could pull away, Tanya grabbed my hand and stilled it with her own tight

grasp. It was the first kind human contact I'd had since Edward kissed me on the
cliffs of La Push beach over a week earlier. I didn't fight it.

"Bella, it's not too late. Fight for him, if you love him, then you make sure you do

everything in your power to deserve him," she insisted assuredly.

When she began to chuckle, I realized that I must have been looking at her as if

she had two heads.

"I thought you and Edward… I mean it looked like you… you know?" I reasoned

lamely, trying to make sense of her words.

"I don't like Edward that way, he's just a friend or like a brother, I guess. Don't tell

anyone, but I'm kind of in love with Tyler."

Thankfully, I was so happy that she wasn't vying for Edward that I didn't gag at

- 89 -

the mention of her wanting Tyler.

Her words renewed my hope and gave me the courage to push forward to try to

be a better person for Edward. To be the kind of girl he deserved.

*~*LI*~*

Against Tanya's begging, I skipped Lauren's party - for obvious reasons, and spent

the evening thinking about what I would say to Edward the next day - provided that
he would even speak to me.

With the phone grasped tightly in my shaking hand I dialed Edward's number

from memory even though it was already programmed into my phone. It rang a few
times and as panic began to wash over me, my finger hovered over the button that
would disconnect the call. Like a coward, I was about to press it, until the most
beautiful voice I'd ever heard filled the silence of my lonely bedroom.

"Bella?" the voice asked hesitantly - only the sound wasn't coming from my phone,

but from my open doorway.

Still with me?

Are there still any Tanya haters out there? Any more Bella haters?

Last week I asked whether or not you all thought Edward would or should fight

James. Do you guys think he handled it ok? What should he have done differently?

I am about to start on the next chapter EPOV. Do you want to hear the fight from

his POV or would you rather I skip to the aftermath?

Losing It is winding down and there will only be a few more chapter left. Fear not

though, Losing It is going to earn it's M rating with a nice juicy lemon or two. Stick
with me just a little longer.

Also if anyone mentions me ()SoapyMayhem and Losing It in a tweet this week I

will add you and give a special Thank you in my next chapter update.

Need a banner for your story? or O/S? Writing a for a Charity or Cause?

Check out the forum TwiFicPics(dot)com There you will find a banner
request forum and dozens of talented artists ready to make you something

- 90 -

that will draw in new readers.

- 91 -

Chapter 17

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Big thanks to Twimarti, my beta and also xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

Also shout out to garddita17 who pimped Losing It out on Twitter!

Please read the authors note at the bottom.

Sorry to those who already got the alert. I replaced the wrong chapter and had to

post again.

Losing It Chapter 17 **Revelations**

**Edward Cullen**

"Mom says she called again," Alice mentioned sadly.

After what happened with James, my suspension, and seeing Alice and Tanya's

attempts at consoling a hysterical Bella, I was at my wits end. This week to myself,
as frustrating as it was, had certainly blessed me with the time to make sense of my
emotions, and give me some clarity.

Alice's tune had changed drastically, for which I was grateful. Once Tanya began

defending her and speaking about what a nice person she was, Alice reconsidered
her hatred. I think she also kind of felt sorry for her.

I had some explaining to do, so I spun a story. I told her that James was jealous

when he found out about us, and said some shit to provoke me and hurt Bella. My
explanation seemed to explain why Bella was against people knowing about us. It
was more plausible than the truth, so Alice didn't question it.

- 92 -

It was nice to hear that Tanya had befriended Bella, she needed a friend who

would like her for who she was not who she pretended to be. If I couldn't be that for
her, well at least Tanya could, and maybe eventually Alice.

I strummed a few notes on my guitar waiting for a melody to form, but it never

did. I was only able to create random disjointed chords that made me feel even more
morose than when I began.

It wasn't right.

This was how I played. Freestyle - no sheet music, no prewritten songs, nothing

but spontaneous notes flowing effortlessly baring my emotions, my soul, but now,
nothing sounded right.

I couldn't play.

Mom called me down to dinner where Alice and Emmett were already scooping

lasagna onto their plates. I fell in line quietly, not wanting to draw attention to
myself, or the black mood I was in.

I winced as I took a bite of the hot pasta, feeling the pain in my swollen jaw and

the cut on my lip open slightly.

I couldn't even enjoy my food.

My fork clamored onto the table, and I slid the uneaten lasagna back into the pan,

before snatching one of Emmett's protein shakes, when he wasn't looking and
running back up the stairs.

I knew they were probably discussing me, and I didn't care as much as I thought I

should.

Uncertain as to what I should be doing, I simply lay on my bed sipping the chalky

vanilla flavored drink and staring at the patterns on the ceiling.

Mostly, I'd been avoiding thinking about her, but who was I kidding, she was all I

thought about.

Did she still love James after the shit he said to her?

Did she even give rat's ass about me?

- 93 -

Did she still want to have sex - no that was a dangerous thought. The last thing I

needed was an erection at that moment.

I tried to think of what she might be calling about. Did she want to apologize, or

maybe tell me she cared for me? I hoped for both, but I had no idea what thoughts
could have been running through her head at that moment.

I spent the next few days of my punishment considering these things and driving

myself fucking crazy, if was being honest.

Resolving things with Bella was the only way I could be freed from my fragmented

thoughts.

I needed to see her.

Saturday morning, Mom was waiting downstairs with breakfast ready. She was

sitting at the kitchen table on the phone with Granny Platt discussing our
Thanksgiving dinner. When she noticed me she walked to her purse and grabbed
something out of it. My cell phone and car keys. She handed over my stuff and
hugged me, all without interrupting her conversation.

You didn't interrupt Granny Platt.

Since our family had moved to Fork's over the summer to be closer to Mom's

family, they talked constantly, always planning family dinners and visits. It was nice
to be near them, but it wasn't the same without my grandfather.

I made myself a plate and ate quickly, the food no longer eliciting pain.

Emmett and Dad were outside playing basketball when Jasper drove up. Alice ran

passed me to hug him fiercely, as if they hadn't seen each other just yesterday. I
rolled my eyes, but couldn't contain the smile tugging at my lips.

It was the first time I'd smiled in nearly a week.

"Good to see you out and about, son. You and Jasper want to play a quick game

with us?" Dad asked panting, and out of breath.

Emmett tried to spin the ball on his fingertip, but dropped it, letting it roll away

into a mud puddle.

"Shit, the ball!" he complained.

- 94 -

"Language, Emmett," Dad chided amused.

"No thanks, I think I'm going to sit this one out. Besides I've got an errand to run,"

I mentioned casually.

I heard Alice say that she and Jasper had some errands too, before slipping into

his car and driving away.

On my way to the car, I powered the phone up. As soon as it turned on, it buzzed

with a few messages - mostly from Tanya. There were a few from a couple friends -
Lee and Ben congratulating me for kicking James ass. Those from Tanya mentioned
gossip around the school about me and James, and me and Bella.

The latest message was from around 2 a.m. that morning telling me to call her

ASAP.

I decided to call her on my way.

The phone rang 5 times before her voicemail picked up. I figured if she was up

past 2 a.m. she was probably asleep now. I was about to leave a message when the
phone beeped through with another call.

I chuckled when I realized Tanya was already calling me back.

"Morning Tan, what's going on?" I asked cheerfully.

"Oh Edward, great you got your phone back," she said sounding groggy and a lot

hoarse.

"Jesus Tanya, did you smoke a carton of cigarettes or something?" I asked

chuckling.

"Laugh it up Cullen, no as a matter of fact, I am hung-over, if you must know," she

replied, sarcastically and grunting a bit.

"Oh, poor baby," I mocked. "So what, you were drunk texting me last night?

Looking for a booty-call or something?"

"Oh shit, I almost forgot!" she shrieked.

"What the hell, Tan?" I complained rubbing my ear.

- 95 -

"Sorry, there was something I needed to tell you," she said excitedly, sounding

much more awake than she had moments ago. I waited for her to continue. "I am
pretty sure James won't be coming back to school on Monday."

"Really? What happened," I asked unable to hide my curiosity.

"Well, Tyler told me a few days ago that after the fight on Monday, James' dad

said that if he fucked up again he was going to send him to military school. Well last
night at Lauren's party, James got really wasted, so he let Lauren drive him home.
The idiot wasn't even drunk and she still crashed his car into his dad's Porsche.
Lauren tried to take the blame, but James' dad didn't care since he shouldn't have
been drinking in the first place." Tanya relayed the story back to me and I could
hardly believe what I was hearing.

Of course she wasn't certain that the indiscretion would result in James being sent

away, but it was a well known fact that Mr. Hunter loved his Porsche, so I wouldn't
have been surprised if he made good on his promise.

I spoke with Tanya a few more minutes before mentioning where I was headed.

It wasn't long before I found myself back at Bella's house for the first time in over

a week.

Imagine my surprise, when I noticed Renee sitting on the front porch smoking a

joint, and reading 'The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest'.

Bella's mother was certainly a strange creature.

"Oh, Edward Cullen, good morning," she said through a dreamy haze. I shook my

head and then greeted her with amusement. "You just go on in. The door's unlocked,
and Bella's upstairs in her room - the first door to the right. She'll be happy to see
you."

I laughed and thanked her before letting myself in. I was pretty sure I liked

'stoned Renee' better than 'drunk Renee', but either way, it made me wonder how
stable Bella's family life was. Was her mother her roll-model? Where was her father?

I shook my head and made my way up the stairs.

Her door was open, and there she was, sitting on the bed in a dark blue tank top

that made her skin look like peaches and cream, and a pair of sweatpants. Her hair
was swept up in a high messy ponytail exposing her long graceful neck. My dick

- 96 -

began to respond against my will. I ignored it.

Bella was on her phone biting her lip, but not talking. Was she calling someone? It

looked like she was about to end the call, so I decided to make my presence known.

"Bella?" I asked hesitantly.

She startled a bit, before looking up at me with a surprised expression on her

face.

"Oh, you're here." She seemed confused, but the small smile on her lips

brightened up the room.

"I am," I said amused, and she rolled her eyes grinning a bit "Since I'm now

allowed to leave the house - I came straight over to talk to you."

"Oh yeah?" she replied in an anxious tone, while acting purposefully obtuse.

"Can I sit?" I motioned to the chair near her desk because it wouldn't have felt

right sitting with her on the bed. She nodded.

The room was quite, and the tension almost palpable.

Where to begin?

I was about to open my mouth to ask her that very question.

"You're bruised," she mentioned remorsefully.

Part of me wanted to tell her I was fine - that I'd heal, another part of me - the

part that was emotionally bruised - wanted to blame her. I kept my mouth shut,
though.

"Edward, I'm… I'm so, so sorry, for… God, everything. I can't even comprehend

what a heinous bitch I've been. You didn't deserve any of that..." By the end she was
crying and then trailed off, opening herself up to my judgment or forgiveness. I
made a promise to myself that I'd give her a second chance. I mean, yeah she hurt
me, but she hurt herself so much more.

My main concern was whether or not having my forgiveness would allow her to

start to forgive herself. There was also the fear that once she had my forgiveness,
what would she do with it? I needed to know what she wanted.

- 97 -

"You hurt me," I admitted lowly, without looking at her, "but I knew what I was

getting into, and I encouraged it by going along with your ridiculous plan. I should
have tried to help you, instead of enabling you." My words felt wrong, like I was
talking to a drug addict or something.

Most likely feeling chastised I looked up to see Bella with her head down, tears

streaming down her face. I didn't want her to cry, but I wasn't ready to comfort her
either.

A few tense moments later, she wiped her eyes, and a look of determination

crossed over her face.

"Two years ago when we moved here from Phoenix, I was so overwhelmed. The

school I came from was huge, and I was a nobody. I had three friends, all of them
were as nerdy as I was. I was happy, but my mom was always on me about making
more friends, dressing nicer, going on dates. She was a prom queen and I was her
plain, introverted daughter.

Before the move, we shipped all of our stuff here, so we wouldn't have to drive.

The box with my clothes was "lost" by the shippers, so Mom had to take me
shopping. Everything I picked out was tasteless or matronly - as she called it. I got
tired of arguing and let her pick everything out. The first day of school, everyone
noticed me. All the popular kids wanted to be my friend. All that attention, was like a
drug, and I was eating it up. For the first time in my life, I wasn't invisible.

That weekend, Jessica invited me to a party at the Res, and Mom was thrilled. She

dressed me up like some kind of fucking paper doll, and sent me on my way - didn't
even ask or care who I was going with, when I'd be home.

There was a band playing on a stage by the beach. A couple of the natives and the

cutest boy I'd ever seen. His voice was gravel and honey, and playing the guitar with
such reverence. When I saw him, I thought it was love at first sight. As soon as he
was done playing, he jumped off the stage and wrapped his arms around a pretty
brunette. I was so jealous. I promised myself then that I'd do anything to make him
mine. I didn't want anyone but him.

Last Christmas when I was trying to find the ornaments, I found my clothes in the

attic. The shippers didn't lose them. She hid them from me. I was so fucking stupid,"
she finished with a defeated sigh.

I thought about the things she'd said, the way her mother treated her, and how

naïve she was about her infatuation for James. I also couldn't help but notice that

- 98 -

she hadn't mentioned her father once.

All the little pieces to the mystery that was Bella, were clicking into place.

It would have been easy to blame her mother, but ultimately Bella was responsible

for her actions. Her mother's irresponsibility, and shallow behavior may have
pushed Bella in the wrong direction, but she had willingly continued down that path.
She realized it, though.

"You're so jaded Bella. It doesn't have to be this way, you don't have to be like

that, anymore - like her," I replied softly. Her hand was within reach, so I took a
chance and grabbed it, as my mind willed her to look up at me. She wouldn't.

"Do you still love him?" I asked. That got her attention.

"Edward… I… I know now that I never loved him." She squeezed my hand tightly,

almost as if she thought I was going to jerk it away, but she didn't realize how
relieved I was.

"I forgive you, you know?" I offered hesitantly, wondering if what I was about to

say was the wrong thing, " And I um… I care about you, a lot."

"Yeah?" she asked sounding surprised.

"Yeah, Bella. I really do." My confirmation made her smile happily.

"I really care about you, too," she admitted shyly, "that's what made me realize I

didn't love James."

My eyes widened over her words. I wanted to ask her so many fucking questions. I

wanted to fucking kiss her, but alas my thoughts were interrupted, by a very stoned
Renee shouting from downstairs.

"Bella, you and your little boyfriend get dressed and come downstairs," she yelled,

her voice slurring a bit.

Bella blushed, and shook her head angrily at the implication in her mothers words.

Rather than answer she pulled me downstairs quickly, in what I assume was an
attempt to prove that we weren't, in fact, fucking.

By the time we got to the bottom of the stairs, Renee was hunched over the

banister looking quite wasted

- 99 -

Bella mouthed that she was sorry when her mother wasn't looking. I shook my

head, because it wasn't her fault that her mother was like that.

It seemed that all she wanted was for Bella to make her something to eat.

The two of us worked silently together making a few sandwiches with chips, ate at

the dining room table - at Renee's insistence - and then walked her to the couch so
she could sleep it off.

Once we heard the sound of Renee's soft snores, Bella motioned toward the stairs

hesitantly. "Can we finish talking, or do you need to go?"

I grabbed her hand lacing her fingers with mine, and followed her back up the

stairs, with a renewed sense of hope.

So what do you guys think about Renee? Is she to blame or was it all Bella's fault?

Where is Bella's dad in all this?

Are you guys happy about what happened to James and stupid Lauren? Please

discuss. I love hearing your thoughts and reviews. They have helped me shape this
story, so much!

Also, I wanted to let everyone know that I have a pre-written novella that I am

going to be posting over the next few days called Behind Closed Doors - In the
eyes of their spouses, Bella and Edward seem to hate each other. Their secret
relationship isn't the only thing they are hiding. Rated M for Lemons

Check it out!

Losing It is winding down and there will only be a few more chapter left. Fear not

though, Losing It is going to earn it's M rating with a nice juicy lemon or two. Stick
with me just a little longer.

Also if anyone mentions me ()SoapyMayhem and Losing It in a tweet this week I

will add you and give a special Thank you in my next chapter update.

Need a banner for your story? or O/S? Writing a for a Charity or Cause?

Check out the forum TwiFicPics(dot)com There you will find a banner
request forum and dozens of talented artists ready to make you something
that will draw in new readers.

- 100 -

Chapter 18

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Big thanks to Twimarti, my beta and also xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

Sorry it's taken so long to update. After this, there is one more chapter and and

epilogue left!

Please enjoy, and let me know what you think!

Losing It Chapter 18 *The L Word*

~*Bella Swan*~

A thrill shot through me when I felt Edward's warm hand grasp mine.

Did he realize how he was encouraging me - making me hope?

Ever since he'd shown up at my door, I'd been waiting for him to realize what

fuckups the Swan women were and walk out the way he came. The fact that he
hadn't was baffling to say the least, especially after my pathetic little admission
about how I let my mother turn me into her own personal paper doll, and threw
myself at the biggest asshole in Forks. It only got worse when my mother chose to
make her substance dependency blatantly obvious. Frankly, I didn't know how she
managed to take care of herself when I wasn't home.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked likely concerned by my worried expression. I

smiled weakly and waived him off before pulling us the rest of the way up the stairs
and back to my bedroom.

"I guess we should talk some more?" I asked nervously as my grip on his hand

tightened. Though I was still nervous that he would leave any moment, it didn't

- 101 -

escape my notice that instead of sitting back in the chair, he sat on my bed next to
me radiating warmth and smelling so fucking good.

I sighed in frustration, wishing that I could go back to that day a few weeks ago

when I propositioned him and change it – then even more, I wished I could go back
to that Biology class on Edward's first day at Forks and notice him.

Where would be right now?

Together, like really together?

Fuck.

I couldn't allow those 'what if' ideas to take residence in my thick skull, or I'd

never move forward.

I needed him to know how I felt about him. If there was a possibility that he might

be willing to take a chance on me, I didn't want to blow it.

"You said something earlier, and I didn't get a chance to ask you about it," he

questioned curiously. What could he possibly be thinking?

"Oh, what did you want to ask?" I replied trying not to sound as nervous as I was.

"Well, I really hate to be nosey and tell me to butt out if I'm overstepping, but you

mentioned you and your Mom moved here from Phoenix… well umm… where is your
Dad? I haven't seen him around, and you never mention him."

Ah, that was the million dollar question. In the years that I'd lived in Forks,

Edward was the first to even ask me.

"Oh, he's in prison for killing a bunch of women," I replied as nonchalantly as I

could manage. I kept my expression serious, and watched as Edward's eyes widened
in horror.

"Holy shit Bella, are you fucking serious?" he asked gob smacked.

"Fuck no." I exploded into a fit of giggles, feeling tears of laughter stream down

my cheeks. "You should have seen your face," I guffawed.

Edward tried to look pissed, but failed miserably, he laughed with me for a few

minutes, until he gained his composure. "Ok, really now you have to tell me. With

- 102 -

this whole 'serial killer' business, it makes me wonder what you're buttering me up
for."

"Believe me Edward, my dad's whereabouts are not a very interesting story," I

replied with a sigh of indifference. Sensing he planned to wait for me to tell the
story, I continued, "Charlie, my father, worked as a defense attorney for this
prestigious law firm in Phoenix. They wanted to make him a partner in their Seattle
office, so we packed up and moved. Turns out Charlie had a girlfriend on the side
that just happened to live in Seattle. Well, Charlie didn't want the family around so
he made the excuse about there being too much crime in the city and moved Mom
and me out here to Forks in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere, so he could have his
den of sin during the week and visit us here on the weekends. He did for a while too,
but he hasn't come by in about seven months. I didn't even hear from him on my
birthday. Though, I did get a special delivery containing a lovely blue Chanel
cashmere sweater a week later, but the card said Happy Birthday Isabel, which
meant he had some fucktard of a PA write it for him, either that or he's forgotten his
own daughters name. Either way, fuck him." I huffed out a frustrated breath as I fell
back onto my bed and covered my face with a pillow hoping to avoid seeing his
inevitable pity.

"Bella…"

I didn't answer.

"Bella…"

I started to cry again.

"Bella, please look at me," Edward continued to plead.

I uncovered the pillow from my face only to find him hovering over me, looking at

me with an unfathomable expression.

"Your Dad is a fucking idiot and James too," Edward replied angrily, his darkened

eyes boring into mine.

God, his eyes… fuck, they were so goddamned green. Hesitantly, I took his glasses

off, holding his gaze the entire time.

"You're so beautiful, Edward," I whispered, unable to reign in my emotions "I just

needed to see your eyes better."

- 103 -

"Bella, you… you're better than all this," Edward stated with conviction, ignoring

the fact that I'd removed his glasses from his face.

Briefly I closed my eyes, before another thought could even manifest in my brain,

Edward grasped my chin tilting my head so his lips could meet mine in a kiss that
was as soft as a whisper before he pulled back to see my reaction.

His eyes smoldered from the spark of desire the kiss ignited.

"Again, please?" I requested breathily, and he didn't disappoint. His kiss was

deep, and life-altering, and there was nothing to stop me from pulling him closer so I
could slide my fingers into his hair. Fuck, but his lips were even more fantastic than
I remembered.

He hovered over me, and with his chest pressed against mine I could feel our

hearts pounding together, so hard and fast.

Fuck.

I need you, Edward.

Slowly I took his bottom lip into my mouth, enjoying the low moan that escaped

with an exhale of breath, and the strong hands that lovingly held my neck and waist.
My own hands made their way to his lower back, and I tried to pull him flush against
me.

Fuck.

So, fucking warm.

Through a fog of lust, I was coherent enough to realize that he kept his lower

body, particularly his crotch, away from mine. I'd been moving my hips and pulling
him, trying to seek friction that wasn't coming. He was making me lose control, but
as frustrated as I was, I knew we weren't ready for that. So for his restraint, I was
thankful.

After several minutes of the most amazing kisses I'd ever experienced, we pulled

apart collapsing on the bed beside each other panting breathlessly.

Edward looked so serene with his eyes closed, and lips parted. I couldn't help but

stroke his cheek softly.

- 104 -

I was so in love with him. No other feeling could compare to way he made me feel.

I wanted to tell him so badly, but I wasn't sure if I could. It was probably too fast. I
looked away, wiping a stray tear from my cheek.

When I looked back Edward's beautiful eyes were open and he wore a curious

express on his face.

"What?" I asked with a shy smile.

"You," he responded, grinning.

"What about me?" Smiling, I averted my eyes feeling my face heat up.

Edward grabbed my chin softly turning my gaze back to him.

"You… you just look happier than I've ever seen you look," he explained softly.

"I am happy. You make me happy, Edward. With you, I feel like I can breathe

again," I whispered shyly. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, but… not yet.

"God, Bella… you don't know what it means to me to hear you say that," he replied

grinning even more, "I'm so fucking glad you got your head out of your ass."

I gasped, surprised by his teasing jab.

"YOU," I shouted before smacking playfully at his arms. He laughed loudly before

stilling my hands and pulling me closer to his chest. I rested my head there noticing
a change in his breathing. His laughing fit subsided, but his heart was beating faster
than I would have ever thought possible.

"Be mine, Bella?" he whispered.

My breath caught, and I had to look up and see his face.

I had never seen his eyes so green, so sincere. I bit my lip nervously, unsure if I

could even produce words.

He wants me? Am I dreaming?

"I'm… already yours," I murmured burying my face in his chest, breathing in his

scent.

- 105 -

*~*LI*~*

Edward was a great boyfriend. In the months that passed, he spent a lot of time at

my house. He even stopped by on Thanksgiving to drop off a plate his mother made
me, since I refused to ruin his family dinner by making Alice upset because of my
presence.

Things at home pretty much stayed the same - still no word from Charlie, and

Renee was preoccupied, as usual, so Edward and I would make dinner and then
head up to my room to talk, do homework, and make out.

We hadn't progressed to anything beyond kissing, except the one time I bit

Edward's earlobe. He moaned loudly, before grinding his jean-clad erection between
my thighs, but as soon as he realized what he was doing, he pulled away.

Even though I knew Edward wanted me, he was still holding back, guarding his

heart. Honestly, I couldn't blame him.

School was better. James' father did send him to military school, much to our

relief. I stayed away from Jess and Lauren, not that it was hard. They avoided me
because they were pissed off at both Edward and Tanya – Edward, because he
picked a fight with James, and Tanya, because she managed to steal Tyler from
under Lauren's nose while she was preoccupied with trying to get James for herself.

Fucking high school bullshit, I swear, graduation can't come soon enough.

Several times, Edward tried to convince me to meet his parents, but I just wasn't

ready yet. Especially since Alice still refused to talk to me, though she wasn't
purposefully mean anymore.

After school one day, I did manage to meet Edward's younger brother, Emmett,

who I recognized as the husky boy who helped pull Edward and James apart during
the fight. He was a freshman, and a big goof, and apparently thought his older
brother was some kind of sex god to have landed 'The Bella Swan'. If Emmett knew
the truth, I was pretty sure he wouldn't think I was such a fantastic catch.

"Do you think he'll be ready soon?" Tanya asked quietly as we walked around the

mall in Port Angeles. It was the last day before Christmas break and with no exams
to left to take I didn't feel all that bad about skipping. Edward had a few more and it
was imperative that he ace them, so he could improve the grades that had gone
down from his suspension – that left Tanya and I to make the trip alone.

- 106 -

"I don't know. He always pulls back before things can get too far, and I know I

could probably seduce him if I tried, but I don't want him to regret it later," I replied
with a heavy sigh.

"I keep telling you to try talking to him, maybe he thinks he needs to protect your

virtue or something," Tanya suggested with a laugh, "tell him you want to get down
and dirty with his sexy ass."

"Whore," I teased, while pushing her into Victoria's Secret.

"This is what you need to get little Eddie ready," she replied impishly, holding up a

blood red sequined corset with green piping. "Let him unwrap you like a present."

I snorted a little at her joke. On the rare occasion that I managed to feel 'little

Eddie' he wasn't fucking little.

"I am not going to seduce Edward, Tanya. You know what I did to him. I am doing

this on his terms because I love… I mean, I want him to be ready," I sputtered trying
to cover up my slip. Tanya did a double-take, and I knew she'd noticed.

"Bella Swan, you love that boy?" she asked wide eyed.

I groaned, and scrubbed my hand over my red face before nodding.

"Bella, you have to tell him. Maybe that's what he's waiting for. I mean… yeah you

agreed to be his girlfriend, and that's wonderful, but maybe he wants more of a
commitment before he feels like he can trust you that way."

"What if you're wrong Tanya? What if he isn't in love with me? I don't want to

make him feel guilty or ruin what we have. I've never felt this way before." I knew I
sounded like a whiney little pussy, but I was really afraid, "Besides, I already
decided that I would wait for Edward to tell me he loved me first."

"I don't know, B. Have you ever thought that maybe he feels the same? With the

way things started, maybe… you need to say it first," she sounded as nervous as I
was, but she was right, and I had to tell him.

Tanya and I did a bit of Christmas shopping. I struggled with whether or not to

buy something for Alice. Tanya thought it would be a nice peace offering.

I bought Renee a gift certificate for a day at the spa and a silk tie for Charlie. I

wouldn't have even bothered, if I wasn't so uncertain about whether he'd actually

- 107 -

come home for Christmas. I'd have it just in case.

Wanting to buy something special for Edward, I got him a new guitar. It was

beautiful, and I knew I was probably spending way too much. Even though Charlie
never came home, he still deposited over five hundred dollars in my bank account
every month. I rarely touched the money, for more than buying groceries or putting
gas in my car, but I wanted to get something nice for the boy I loved.

It was Christmas Eve, and Renee was out doing only God knows what, and Edward

had somehow managed to talk me into coming to his family's party.

"You'll be fine, Bella, and Alice promised to be on her best behavior," Edward

soothed.

"Is it wrong that I just want to keep you here all night, since we have the place to

ourselves?" I purred seductively before wrapping my arms around his neck and
placing a single kiss below his ear. He hummed his satisfaction before hugging me
tightly.

"No, baby, it's not. I really want us to stay too, but my parents are waiting to meet

you." His words were telling me that we had to stop, but his hands weren't making
any effort to let me go.

"Edward," I moaned as he began placing warm kisses down my neck. "I want you."

He tensed, and not in a good way.

"I… umm, we have to go, or we're going to be late," he replied hurriedly, his eyes

slightly pained.

I let go of him, stepping out of his reach. Wordlessly, I followed him down the

stairs and locked up.

The drive to Edward's was quiet, and the only reassurance he gave was the firm

grasp he had on my hand. I tried my best not to cry.

I had to tell him. I had to know if he loved me.

My thoughts were interrupted when his car came to a halt near the garage of a

large white house with an enormous wrap around porch, covered in Christmas
lights. Edward was at my door opening it for me. He helped me out of the car, and
before I could even thank him, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me until I was

- 108 -

breathless.

"I'm sorry," was all he managed to say before guiding me to the house. I wasn't

sure what he was apologizing for.

I noticed Emmett and a man with light blonde hair waiting for us from the porch.

Edward and I both blushed realizing that we'd been seen kissing at his car.

"Dad, this is Bella," Edward introduced nervously.

"Hi Dr. Cullen, it's nice to meet you," I said as confidently as I could manage.

"Bella, please call me Carlisle. It's wonderful to finally put a pretty face to the girl

who has Edward so smitten," Carlisle teased, making Edward and I blush even more.

Emmett stood there laughing at our discomfort. "You mean the girl who has him

acting like a love-sick puppy."

"Shut up," Edward grunted irritably. I probably would have laughed, but I was too

caught up in the fact that Emmett had called Edward 'love-sick.' Did that mean
Edward was in love with me?

"All right, that's enough, Granny Platt just got here, so we don't need to keep her

waiting anymore," Carlisle chastised lightly.

Edward had warned me about his Granny Platt. Apparently, she was like the old

lady version of Emmett. She was stubborn and impatient, but funny and liked to play
practical jokes. I couldn't imagine it. Renee's mom died when she was a teenager,
and Grandma Marie, Charlie's mom, was a mean old bitch, who always hated my
mother and me.

Edward's house was really nice, and his family seemed even nicer. Jasper was

there, and shook my hand kindly. Even Alice managed to give me a brief hug and tell
me 'Merry Christmas,' which shocked the shit out of me.

Edward introduced me to Granny Platt, which was an experience I doubted I'd

ever forget.

"Oh Teddy, your little Bella here is lovely," she complimented before wrapping her

weathered hands around Edward's. I laughed at her nickname for Edward.

"I know Granny," Edward replied cutting his eyes toward mine, giving me a

- 109 -

dazzling smile.

God, I love you.

"I hope you two are being safe," she whispered louder than I was sure she

intended, "I'm too young to be a great grandma."

Edward turned beet red before burying his face in his hands. "Granny, don't," he

groaned.

Emmett and Alice laughed loudly having heard Granny Platt's warning.

"She forgets to turn her hearing aid on, so she always talks too loud," Emmett said

through his laughter. Alice giggled, while I was sure I looked horrified.

"Hush Emmett, you don't even have a sweetheart," Granny teased, making

Emmett pout.

Edward's mother Esme made and appearance from the kitchen. I could see where

Edward got his looks. She was beautiful – same penny-colored hair and green eyes.
Though his height and chiseled jaw came from Carlisle, who upon closer inspection,
I had to admit, was a major hottie.

Everyone was so warm and welcoming. It was unlike any family dinner I'd ever

been to.

I thought families like his only existed in books and movies. I'd never been around

so much… love.

Dinner was fantastic. I enjoyed the food and the people, and it really felt like

everyone seemed to like me. I didn't know what to do with myself.

After everyone ate, Edward asked if I wanted to see his room.

Of course I did.

Once we were in his room, he had me pressed against the door practically

attacking my mouth with fevered kisses.

Fuck.

He moved to my neck before wrapping his arms around me hugging me as if I was

- 110 -

going to fly away.

"Baby, I'm so sorry about earlier," he admitted, panting against my neck.

"Sorry about what?" I replied nervously tightening my hold on him.

"At your house, when you told me you… umm… wanted me… you… umm… meant

to have sex… right?" he stuttered.

"Umm… well yeah… I mean, I wanted you to know that I was ready… am ready.

So… umm when you're ready… we can," I replied nervously unable to look at him.

"Bella… I… I want to, but I don't think I'm ready yet," he whispered sadly.

"It's okay Edward, I love you, so I'll wait as long as you need," I admitted quietly.

Edward gasped. "Bella?"

Realization struck. Oh shit. What the fuck was I thinking?

Tears began to leak from my eyes and I buried my face into his chest.

"Bella?" he cooed softly, "please baby look at me."

I shook my head and let out a sob.

Edward's arms tightened around me.

"Bella, would you please look at me? I'm trying to tell you that I love you too." He

replied with a soft chuckle.

No way.

"You love me?" I looked up surprised to see his eyes so warm and green and full of

nothing but sincerity and love.

"I love you, Bella, so fucking much."

What did everyone think about Charlie? Was it what you expected?

- 111 -

So what do you guys think about Edward's Granny Platt? Isn't she a hoot?

Please let me know what you think!

Also I just wanted to reassure everyone that Chapter 19 is in the works, and then I

will write the epilogue.

Stay tuned, with Chapter 19 I am posting the summary for my new story called A

Taste of Honey, and with the epilogue I hope to post the banner and a teaser.

Need a banner for your story? or O/S? Writing a for a Charity or Cause?

Check out the forum TwiFicPics(dot)com There you will find a banner
request forum and dozens of talented artists ready to make you something
that will draw in new readers.

- 112 -

Chapter 19

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Big thanks to Twimarti, my beta and also xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

Only one more chapter and an epilogue left!

Chapter 19 **Changes**

**Edward Cullen**

I tapped my fingers nervously against the steering wheel of my Volvo as I drove us

back to Bella's place.

It was a new year now and we were headed back from Tanya's New Year's eve

party. Bella had been a little apprehensive because her old friends were there, and I
knew she was nervous about how they might treat her outside of school.

Everything had gone okay after Bella walked away from a heated confrontation

with Lauren, her ex-best friend. The two avoided each other like the plague the rest
of the night, and everything turned out to be fine. Bella had good friends now,
people who cared about her, even more since she made up with Alice and by
association, Jasper. As she had been, Tanya was there for her as well, so I knew
things would be okay.

One of the many things I've learned being a boyfriend for the first time, is that

girls are horny – hornier than us guys sometimes.

In the past month and half, since I asked Bella to be mine, I've gone through like a

whole bottle of my favorite jack-off lotion. There were only so many times I could
prevent myself from grinding my dick on that girl, before I stopped trying. She was
making me insane.

- 113 -

With the way things started, there was a small part of me that was holding back

because I was still worried that Bella might hurt me - emotionally. By this point, I
knew it was irrational, but I'd seen her manipulative side, and I wasn't eager to see
it again. This was the reason our intimacy level was set at heated kisses and
cuddling with all our clothes on. Don't get me wrong, that shit was still hot, but it
was obvious we both wanted more.

It took everything in me sometimes not to rip my girl's clothes off and worship her

delicate skin with my tongue, but I waited, because more than her body, I needed
something more from her.

I needed to hear the words, and I'd been burned by Bella in the past, so I was not

ready to be the first to admit my own feelings. I had to guard my heart.

As embarrassing as our Christmas Eve dinner was, when Bella finally told me she

loved me. it immediately became the best night of my life.

After opening gifts with my family, I called Bella to see how things were going at

her place. She and Renee had exchanged gifts. Bella was upset that her mother had
given her a three hundred dollar gift certificate for Victoria's Secret, which she was
told was to help her 'keep the Doctor's son happy'. As much as my cock would have
loved seeing Bella dressed up in sexy lingerie - I was disgusted by the way Renee
treated her. I was sure she was just bitter from losing her own husband, but she was
always trying to drag Bella down with her - whether it was Renee making Bella take
care of her as if she were the child, or trying to turn Bella into some kind of
Barbie-slut.

Bella's just not that girl anymore.

After all she went through with her mom over the gift certificate Bella was even

more upset that she hadn't heard from her father so far that morning.

She tried to play the whole Charlie situation off like it didn't matter, but I could

tell by her disappointed voice that she had already resigned herself that he wasn't
going to contact them.

With it being Christmas, Mom and Dad were insistent that I stay home and spend

time with the family. After several minutes of begging, it was around noon when I
was allowed me to leave and head over to Bella's. I tried to call her on my way over
to let her know, but there was no answer.

When I arrived, there was an unfamiliar car in the driveway - a shiny black,

- 114 -

Porsche convertible. I was uncertain about whether my presence would be wanted
now that Bella had company. I hesitated at the door, my fist hovering over the
knocker, while Bella's gift bags remained fisted in my clenched hand.

A loud sound caught my attention from the side of the house Bella's room was in.

My feet were taking me in that direction before I even had a chance to question
what was happening.

When I rounded the corner, I could see small billows of smoke coming from Bella's

window. The smoke scared me at first, until I saw Bella's hand come out of the
window with a lit cigarette to flick the ash from the tip.

"Goddamn bastard," she shouted from her perch in the open window. "No good

son of bitch."

I was sure then that I probably shouldn't be here – that was unless Bella needed

me.

"Bella," I whisper-shouted trying to get her attention.

"Fuck," she startled before she noticed me standing below her window. Quickly

she put out the cigarette and tossed the unfinished bud before returning to the
window. She was embarrassed, that much was clear. Though, I wasn't sure if it was
because of her behavior or that I'd seen her smoking.

She'd been trying to quit for weeks now, so it was obvious something was really

getting to her if she was willing to throw her hard work away and turn back to the
nasty habit.

"Sorry," I apologized for startling her, "I can come back later if this is a bad time."

"No baby, I need you. Come in, I'll meet you downstairs." Her voice sounded

pained. To say the least, I was worried.

As was usual, I went to the front door and let myself in just as Bella was making

her way down the stairs.

"Who the fuck do you think you are waltzing into my house?" an angry male voice

shouted from my left. I froze feeling panic constrict my chest.

I glanced over to the sofa where a dark haired man wearing an expensive looking

suit sat appraising me. I was dressed in jeans an oversized coat and a flannel shirt,

- 115 -

so I was certain he found me lacking.

"Dad, stop!" Bella shouted, obviously upset. "That's Edward, my boyfriend."

Fuck, it was Bella's dad and he already hated me. I was grateful Bella didn't put

much stock in his opinion.

"You know the doctor's boy I told you about, Charlie," Renee added wistfully. I

seriously didn't understand why she loved the fact that I was the son of doctor. It
wasn't like I planned on being a doctor. I tried my best to ignore it – as was usual.

A low huff alerted me that he was still pissed – doctor's son or not.

Even though I knew I looked like a slouch compared to him, I was pretty sure I

came off as confident. My insides were in turmoil, though.

Don't have a panic attack Cullen. It's Christmas for fuck's sake.

Bella got to the end of the stairs and slipped her hand in mine, and I instantly

relaxed.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Swan, and I hope you'll forgive my interruption.

Bella was expecting me, so I assumed it would be okay to let myself in – as I usually
do." I greeted formally with a warm smile on my face, and made sure to allude to the
fact that I spent a lot of time here. If he spent more time here, we would have met
months ago, but honestly, I was glad we hadn't. To me, he was nothing but a
cheating asshole, with his mid-life crisis mobile, douchey sculpted moustache, and
his gawdy pin-striped suit.

Charlie ignored my greeting, looking at me with irritation, before he turned his

attention back to Renee.

"I'm sorry," Bella whispered with a grimace.

"Edward and I are going to my room to exchange gifts," Bella shouted before

pulling me up the stairs.

"Wow," I breathed when we were on the other side her door. "Your dad hates me

already."

"Fuck him," Bella grunted petulantly.

- 116 -

"What happened, baby. Tell me," I pleaded, seeing that she was upset.

She pulled out another cigarette, and sat back down in her open windowsill. It

was winter, so her room was practically an icebox.

I sat and listened while she told me what happened after Charlie arrived.

According to Bella, Charlie came home to admit that he'd been a fool. He owned

up to the not-so-secret relationships and lack of presence and commitment in their
lives. Basically, what he wanted was for his wife and daughter move to Seattle
where he was already looking to buy a new house for the three of them.

I couldn't figure out how Bella remained so composed during our conversation.

"I'm not going. I don't care if Renee is stupid enough to fall for his bullshit. I'm

eighteen now so I can stay wherever the fuck I please." Bella commented calmly.

She was upset inside, that much was obvious. I reached over and pulled her into

my lap wanting to ground her, and keep her from shutting down like she was.

"I love you, baby," I soothed, "Everything is going to be okay. You can even stay

with me if your mom leaves."

With that she clung to me like I was a life preserver.

"Love you," she murmured quietly, her face buried in my neck.

"You want to open your presents, love?" I asked softly when she started to loosen

her grip.

Bella pulled away, looking slightly dazed, but with a small smile tugging at her

lips.

"I can't wait for you to see your gift," she said sounding much more alive than she

had earlier.

Bella got me a new guitar, which was insanely gorgeous, extremely extravagant

and put my gift to shame. I knew she enjoyed reading and writing, so I bought her a
leather-bound journal and a Kindle with some her favorite books already on it. She
loved it all of course, but fuck she'd bought me a new Gibson acoustic guitar that
had to have been over a grand. I knew she had her own money, but I never knew she
had that much.

- 117 -

"Bella, baby, this is so amazing, but it's too much… I don't… I can't…"

She cut me off with her kisses, forceful and needy as she sucked on my bottom lip.

"Ugh… fuck," I moaned quietly when her lips worked their way to the hollow

behind my ear that she knew drove me fucking crazy.

"Fuck… you can't… ugh… distract me, baby… I… oh… what the fuck was I

saying?"

I lost all train of thought when I felt Bella's hand graze the steel rod straining

against my jeans.

Fuck. I practically jizzed in my boxers from the unexpected contact.

"B-bella… what…" I felt her hand become more sure as she began stroking me

through my jeans, "are you… fuck…" she started moving faster and faster, and I felt
my hips rocking in time with her strokes, "don't…ugh… stop…" the feeling was
sublime. Why had I not let her do this to me before? "shit… don't stop."

The pressure increased deep in my balls and I knew I was going to explode any

second, but I was so far gone I didn't even care.

"Oh… fuuuuuck," I groaned as she attempted to wrap her hand around my

jean-clad cock.

"God, Edward… so hard in my hand… want you so much," she moaned.

There was no fucking way I was gonna walk around with a sticky mess in my pants

for the next few hours, so I pulled back right before my balls exploded.

"Shit." My breathing was labored and I knew my cheeks were flush.

"I… umm… sorry," Bella murmured quietly looking anywhere but at me.

"Bella… hey. What's wrong?" I asked softly cupping her warm cheek in my hand.

"I'm sorry that I did that. Last night you said you weren't ready and now today I

am pushing you," she admitted with a frustrated sigh.

"Hey, it's alright, but I guess last night changed a few things. I mean, I'm not

ready to have sex right this minute, but I mean… I guess I am ready to start working

- 118 -

up to it, so what you did, well it was more than okay, except that I umm… didn't
want to endure having err… umm… you know… cum in my pants all day," I
reassured awkwardly.

"Yeah? You mean it?" she hedged.

"Hell yes." I punctuated my statement with a slow deep kiss, but kept my needy

cock at a safe distance.

Bella wanted to walk me to my car when it was time to go later that day. Charlie

was still down stairs, and in deep conversation with Renee. When Bella caught sight
of their passionate embrace, she huffed out an irritated breath and slammed the
front door behind us on our way out.

"I don't see how she can just forget everything he did and just pack up and go,

without any regard for my feelings. I have one semester of high school left and they
just expect me to leave and finish somewhere else. They are so fucking selfish, and
Mom is an idiot if she takes him back." It was months since I'd seen her so upset,
and I fucking hated it.

"I'm sorry," I soothed weakly before hugging her in my arms.

In the days that followed, Bella managed to get her father to agree to let her stay

at the house alone while it was on the market to be sold, and while her mother
moved to Charlie's Seattle apartment.

Bella was eighteen, and as self-serving as they were, Charlie and Renee didn't

protest to the alone time Bella's absence would allow for them.

She had rules to abide, though I wasn't sure how her parents expected to enforce

them from Seattle.

No Parties.

No Overnights with Boys.

No Drugs or Alcohol ( which was easy since Renee would be taking her stash to

Seattle)

She also had to attend school everyday as usual. I was shocked though. I couldn't

believe they would let her stay all alone like that. Though the idea that Bella and I
might be able to play house for the next few months made my cock weep in

- 119 -

anticipation.

I knew Bella was happy with this outcome as well, and I wondered if she was

having the same dirty thoughts I was.

A few later, Bella and Alice finally made peace when Tanya invited them both over

to her house for a girl's night, slumber party or whatever. I don't know what kind of
nonsense they got up to but I knew things had gotten a little crazy when Bella drunk
dialed me in the middle of the night. I could hear all three girls laughing loudly and
saying that they were going to be best friends forever.

I had to hang up when Bella asked for the size of my penis so they could compare

it to Jasper and Tyler's. Bleh. Anyway, I'd been naked in the locker room showers
with those guy before and I was pretty sure mine was the biggest, but Tanya and my
fucking sister didn't need the 411 on my junk.

The next day Charlie and Renee left for Seattle, and I would have come by to

spend the day with Bella, but she was recouping from the night before for most of
the day.

The three girls with the addition of Angela had spent all day shopping for dresses

for Tanya's New Years Eve party, so I hadn't seen Bella for over two days. It was the
longest we'd been apart since my suspension, and I really fucking missed her.

It was around 2 a.m. when we decided to leave the party. Neither of us had been

too eager to drink, even though I offered to be the designated driver if Bella wanted
to, but the recent hangover from her girl's night was still too fresh on her mind.
Secretly, I was excited that she wasn't drunk because I planned to see if she wanted
to try going a little farther than we had before. Honestly, I was hoping to get my
fingers inside her and maybe a hand job, but I decided I'd take what I could get.

It was to be the first night Bella and I got to spend the night together. Alice was

staying the night at Jaspers and I was with Bella, even though we'd told Mom and
Dad Alice was staying with Bella and I at Jasper's.

Once we arrived safely at Bella's, my nerves shot up. I wasn't planning for us to go

all the way tonight, but somehow, given the circumstances, it seemed inevitable.
How was I going to resist when we were all alone with nowhere to be for several
more hours?

I opened the door and helped Bella out of the car, loving the way her long bare

legs slid gracefully from the vehicle. It was the fucking stilettos she was wear that

- 120 -

really drove me crazy. An image of Bella lean legs wrapped around my waist flashed
through my mind. I shook my head slightly to rid my brain of the thoughts.

The house was dark and quiet, but the sexual tension was crackling in the air. It

was almost palpable.

"I can sleep on the couch if you want," I hedged hoping she'd say no.

"I want you in my bed, hot stuff." she whispered seductively.

My throat went dry at her words, and I couldn't help but groan at the insinuation.

Bella guided me up to her room and I could feel my anxiety increase. I wasn't

afraid, just nervous that I wouldn't please her. All I wanted was to watch her come.
The thought had me hard and leaking in my briefs.

"I usually just sleep in a t-shirt, how about you?" she asked sounded way less

nervous than I could.

"Oh… umm well I just sleep in boxers or sleep pants if it's cold," I responded with

a tight voice. She cocked a brow at me and I realized she knew I was horny as fuck.

She kissed my cheek and stepped into her walk-in closet. I went ahead and

stripped down to my shorts and white undershirt, folding my clothes neatly onto the
chair. When Bella came out, she had on an oversized green t-shirt with a logo for
The Phoenix High Mathletes. My mouth was watering,

I watched in shock and awe as she reached under the t-shirt to remove a small

lacey pair of black panties.

Holy fuck.

I stood there like an idiot for at least a minute while she pulled back the comforter

from her bed.

"Get over here and kiss me, silly," Bella demanded playfully.

I was all too happy to oblige.

Maybe tonight would be 'the night' and maybe not, but not matter what, if I had

my way Bella would be mine forever.

- 121 -

Sorry to leave you guys hanging there, but I wanted to write the lemon in BPOV.

The next chapter is going to be mostly lemon.

Please let me know what you think!

Also I promised to post the summary to the new fic I am pre-writing right now.

A Taste of Honey - Edward is a 37 year old ex-senator who has been out of the

BDSM lifestyle for a few years. He meets 18 year old innocent, Isabella when he
presents her with his family's memorial art scholarship at her high school
graduation. Her natural beauty and shy submissive qualities make him want her
immediately, so he commissions her to paint a mural in his estate so he can have her
all to himself the entire summer before she starts college.

Reviewers for this chapter of 'Losing It' will get a teaser for it if you say "Please"

The next chapter of 'Losing It' will feature another teaser and the banner for the

story.

Need a banner for your story? or O/S? Writing a for a Charity or Cause?

Check out the forum TwiFicPics(dot)com There you will find a banner
request forum and dozens of talented artists ready to make you something
that will draw in new readers.

- 122 -

Chapter 20 Epilogue

Losing It ~ SoapyMayhem

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of

Big thanks to Twimarti, my beta and also xrxdanixrx my validation beta from

Twilighted.

So sorry I was such an epic fail at getting this this finished. I am very sad to see it

go. Thanks to everyone who stuck around for the ride!

Epilogue

**Bella Swan**

I'd been waiting for this moment for so long – to be alone with Edward, both of us

having admitted our feelings, ready to finally be together – intimately.

Edward moved toward the bed and by the time he got there I could already see

that he was hard, it made me a nervous knowing that I was probably about to hurt,
maybe more because of Edward's size, but I trusted him completely. I knew he'd be
gentle with me.

"Do you want to… umm… are you ready to have sex?" Edward whispered

nervously and a little hopefully as he slipped into the warm blankets next to me.

I smiled confidently. "I love you. I want to show you how much."

Edward slid a hot hand between the sheets until it met the sensitive flesh of my

bare thigh. I sighed audibly in relief that he seemed to be ready too.

"Yes… let me make love to you," he whispered sexily before setting his glasses on

the night stand next to my bed.

His body was like a cocoon of warmth wrapped around me, pulling me toward

- 123 -

him, letting me feel him – all of him.

He was hot and hard against my thigh, making so wet – wetter than I'd ever been.

"Can I taste you, Bella?" he whispered softly against my ear. I shivered in

response unable to speak, but I nodded my consent.

A thrill of desire coursed through my entire being in anticipation of feeling

Edward's mouth on me. He slid down my body, kissing my neck and collar bone
before ending at my t-shirt. I wanted his kisses on my breasts, so I moved to lift the
shirt from my body, exposing my breasts for him to feel and kiss.

He helped me remove the shirt, looking at me hungrily as I became naked and

bare before him. With eyes wild and intense, he wrapped an arm around me holding
me against him for a searing kiss, and then quickly pulled away leaving us both
gasping.

"Jesus… Bella, you look fucking perfect," he groaned, staring into my eyes before

taking a stiff nipple into his warm mouth.

The sensation was almost overwhelming as he sucked lightly and swirled around

the tight bud. I wasn't sure if he was doing it the way it's supposed to be done, but it
sure felt right.

"Edward… ugh," I gasped breathlessly, arching my hips against him. He stilled my

movement with his hands. Sensing my urgent need, he released the distracting
nipple from his mouth and continued his previous journey, kissing the rest of the
way down my body until he came to my navel.

He kissed a circle around the spot and rubbed my hips with his gentle hands.

"Please," I begged, needing friction.

"You want me to touch you – to taste you?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Yeah," I whimpered.

His hand slid down away from my hip and over my thigh. His caresses changed,

feeling more like a massage as his thumbs kneaded the sensitive flesh, bringing him
closer and closer to where I needed him.

His knuckle skimmed my inner thigh coaxing me to open for him, to bare my most

- 124 -

intimate place.

I bit my lip in anxiety wondering what he would think about me.

'Fuck… your body… I have to…" he groaned incoherently before focusing

completely on the aching flesh between my legs.

His finger tentatively swept across my slit making moan and arch up off the bed.

He stilled my hips again before lowering his face toward the place I needed him
most.

"Bella, I don't know what I'm doing," he suddenly admitted in a panic. His wide

eyes full of stress.

"Just… kiss me. Try a few different things, and… I guess umm... try to gauge my

reactions. I promise I'll let you know if something doesn't feel good," I reassured
him, my voice tight with lust.

He nodded, exhaling a large breath and dipped down. His tongue peaked out from

his lips and began to tentatively lap against my clit.

"Mmm," I moaned. It felt really good.

Taking my encouragement as a positive sign, Edward increased pressure against

me.

"Fuck," I cried as one of his long sexy fingers joined the mix, sliding into my wet

opening.

"Holy shit, Bella. You taste good… feel good… it's making me so hard for you," he

admitted huskily.

"Make me come, please baby," I begged needing a relief from the sweet pressure

building up inside me. I knew it was a lot to put on him, but he was making me feel
so good, I had no doubt if he kept going he would make me come so hard.

His finger was sliding in and out, but I needed - "More," I begged.

Understanding he increased the speed then inserted another finger.

God… Ugh… it felt so good.

- 125 -

My legs began to shake as a coil of pleasure wound tight inside me.

"Edward," I screamed as erotic bliss exploded within, causing me to grip Edward's

silky hair in my clenched fist. I vaguely heard him moaning as arousal gushed from
sensitive opening.

I needed him inside me so bad, but I was pretty sure he wasn't going to last very

long the first time. There was my dilemma. I could go down on him and make him
cum, and he would be able to go longer when he was inside me, but if it hurt, I
might want it to just be over with as soon as possible.

Thankfully Edward gave me my answer.

"I need to be inside you, Bella. I don't think I can wait anymore," he said his voice

tight with passion. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"I want you. I need you," I moaned.

I reached over to my desk drawer to grab the box of condoms Renee bought me

several months ago, and did my best to block out my negative thoughts about my
mother.

"You want me to put it on?" I asked nervously.

"Umm… I think I can do it," he replied taking the foil packet and tearing it open

with his teeth. A lock of his auburn hair swept over his brow, but with a quick shake
of his head the hair was back in its perfectly messy place.

I sighed dreamily feeling quite lucky that I was about to lose my virginity to this

perfect creature. I loved being in love.

Edward fumbled around with the condom for a moment before he finally got it on

all the way, and then checked the tip to make sure it was on properly. I looked at
him unashamedly when I realized he caught me staring.

"What?" I asked smiling shyly.

"Umm… is it what you expected?" he asked quietly.

"What-" I began before he looked down at his dick. Shit…

"-Edward, I think you're perfect," I reassured gently. I didn't mind stroking his

- 126 -

ego. Maybe I should have stroked his dick. I realized then that I hadn't even touched
him, which made me feel incredibly guilty.

"Should I touch you first?" I asked shyly.

"Ahh… maybe not this time… I don't want to finish too early…" he replied

nervously.

"It's okay."

We stared at each other for a moment, unsure.

"I love you," we said in unison. I breathed a sigh of relief and Edward chuckled a

little before giving his condom covered dick a quick stroke.

"I'm gonna go slow. Let me know if I need to stop… you know... if it hurts," he said

anxiously, though his voice was still filled with lust.

"Okay."

He hovered over me pressing the tip against my slick opening. He pushed forward

gently, it wasn't enough, my slippery flesh caused his dick to slide up through my
folds and rub against my sensitive clit.

I moaned, wanting more of that, but I held still knowing Edward was a now a man

on a mission – determined to get inside me.

This time he pressed harder and I felt the tip of his dick slip inside me.

"Oh fuck… Bella," he groaned.

I whimpered a little at the pain.

"Are you okay?" he barely managed to ask.

"Mmm, I love you… keep going," I gritted out. He looked unsure but I kissed him

hard and he continued.

At first I felt a sharp burning sensation and an uncomfortable pressure against my

pelvis. As he slowly pressed further the burning increased slightly, but then began
to subside by the time he was fully seated inside me.

- 127 -

I didn't feel the mind numbing pleasure I'd always imagined I'd feel, but as most of

the pain subsided, I felt something even better – Edward's soul searching eyes
locked on mine pouring every bit of the love he felt for me into our tender
connection.

"I love you, Edward," I gasped as a tear slipped down my cheek.

"Baby… love you," he replied kissing the tear away as he thrust slowly.

His eyes rolled back and clenched tight all of a sudden and I could tell he was

close.

"I'm sorry… I'm gonna… fuck… gonna cum," he moaned, pushing into me, as his

fingertips dug into my hips. A couple erratic thrusts later and I could vaguely feel
him pulsing inside me.

His back arched as he pounding two final thrusts and then he collapsed against

me.

He rolled off me, but wrapped his arms around me bringing me with him.

His softening dick slipped out as he pulled me higher to rest my head in the crook

of his neck.

"Are you okay? You looked like you were in pain for a minute there?" he asked

softly, but still a little out of breath.

"I'm sore, but I'll be fine. Feeling connected to you like that was amazing," I said

with a dreamy sigh.

"I know. I just hope it feels good – not just emotionally – for you next time."

"As long as I'm with you, it will be perfect."

~*LI*~

Since Renee left for Seattle, I had the place all to myself. She called to check in a

few times saying Charlie missed me and wanted me to change my mind about living
with them. Of course I refused – Renee was a drug-addicted, train-wreck and Charlie
was a cheating, dead-beat bastard – I was better off on my own.

Of course I wasn't on my own very often. Edward and I had taken up playing

- 128 -

house on the weekends. When he could get away with staying out late we would
spend most of the night in bed together, making love and making plans until his two
a.m. curfew and then he'd have to go home.

Once in a while, we'd have Alice and Jasper, Ben and Angela, and Tanya and Tyler

over for the night. Some of the jealous kids at school would say we were having orgy
parties – which was ridiculous.

The rumor, while shocking, intrigued people and served to make our little group

popular. Having already been in the so called popular group, I could have cared less,
but it didn't stop Alice from eating up all the attention and Emmett from trying
earnestly to get himself and the junior girl he had a crush on invited. Edward
apologized profusely for his brother and cousin's behavior, but I honestly didn't
mind. I loved him and his family was part of that.

Near the end of the semester Tanya and Tyler broke up. Tanya was pretty broken

up about it, but seemed to get over it pretty fast, choosing to spend a lot more time
with Edward and me.

For a while, there was this stray thought that seeded itself deep in the back of my

mind that Tanya might one day change her mind about her feelings for Edward, but
as time passed and the three of us graduated together and got accepted to UW, it
became obvious that things would never change between the two of them - not that I
ever thought Edward would ever want her that way, but it would have been an awful
situation nonetheless.

Alice and Jasper both got accepted to UCLA. Edward toyed with studying

medicine like his father, but finally decided on a music degree. He wanted to be a
music appreciation teacher. Tanya wanted to teach as well, but she more interested
in working with young children. I had a tougher time deciding what I wanted to do.

Of course Charlie wanted me to be a lawyer like him, but there was no way in hell

I was gonna do that. Thankfully, he agreed to pay for my education no matter what I
decided – which was good because I was well into my second year before I declared
a major.

Housing was easy at UW. The first year Edward, Tanya, and I leased a fairly large

apartment together. Though we could afford it just the three of us, we knew it would
be nice to offer the third bedroom to someone who might really need it. We'd been
actively seeking a forth roommate for a few weeks, but we couldn't seem to agree on
anyone. The girls we interviewed all looked at Edward like he was a piece of meat,
while the guys all seemed to be really sleazy or looking for a place to party. We were

- 129 -

down to only a small handful of interviews when Jake came in.

He was tall, dark and handsome with a blinding smile, and a super-friendly

personality. Edward was a little reserved at first about the idea of another guy living
there, but when Jake mentioned that he really needed a place that could offer some
peace and quiet because he was studying to be a pediatrician, Tanya was fell over
heels. The next day we had a new roommate.

Jake and Tanya's mutual love of children brought them together almost

immediately, and once he and Edward got to know each other, the four of us became
close friends.

I was almost through my second year when I decided I wanted to go into nursing.

Edward's family and I had become really close over the years and I always looked

up to his father. I didn't think I could handle everything involved with being a
doctor, but as a nurse, I could be a part of that world and help people. It was also a
good career choice because I would easily be able to find a nursing job wherever
Edward got hired once he finished school.

After our second year, Edward and I were going to go home to Forks for a month

while Tanya spent the summer with Jake at his family's cabin in Aspen.

My parents had long since sold their house, so I ended up staying with the

Cullens. It took some convincing, but Edward and I were able to talk Esme and
Carlisle into letting us share his room, but that room was next to his parents and I
was loud during sex. So after two weeks without Edward's amazing cock, I was
getting pretty fed-up. I dipped into my savings and booked us a weekend getaway at
a bed and breakfast in Port Angeles.

We had an amazing time – made love the whole weekend, walked around naked

during the day and pretty much did whatever we wanted. It made us want to live
together – without roommates.

Edward and I came back from summer break with every intention of telling Tanya

and Jake that we were going to be moving out, so imagine our surprise when they
said it first. They shocked everyone when they announced that they'd eloped. I was a
little sore that I hadn't gotten to be there when two of my friends tied the knot, but
as long as they were happy that was all that mattered.

So Tanya and Jake moved out leaving Edward and I with a large apartment all to

ourselves for the remainder of our college careers.

- 130 -

Edward and I graduated together and he immediately began looking for jobs. I

wanted to wait until he got hired before I began applying. After a few months passed
with no job offers Edward began expanding his search.

There were offers for him in Phoenix, Nashville, and Tampa. Secretly, I wanted to

go back to Phoenix. I loved the dry climate and it was where I grew up. I was
ecstatic when I got a job offer in the hospital a few blocks from the private academy
that Edward had applied to.

Edward had been acting really finicky about the apartments we looked at online.

Nothing seemed to be good enough for him, which was odd. He was usually so easy
going.

We were down to a deadline – already packing up our belongings in Seattle. I only

had one week before I was meant to start my job and Edward had three. His
indecision was beginning to worry me –make me feel as though maybe he was
having second thoughts.

I was standing at the kitchen counter cutting up some vegetables for dinner when

I turned around and found Edward behind me on his knees with a ring in his hand. It
was such an odd time to propose, but when I asked him about it later, he simply said
that he wanted to plan a nice dinner or do something special, but he just couldn't
wait another moment – I fell in love with him all over again.

Instead of getting an apartment, he wanted us to get a house together.

We waited until winter break from school for him to be off, and I could take off

work to travel to Seattle where we could be close to our family and friends.

Alice arrived heavily pregnant and engaged to Jasper, and Tanya and Jake were

our best man and maid of honor. Emmett had grown out of his youth chubbiness and
finally gotten a date with the pretty girl he'd been crushing on since his freshman
year, Rosalie.

My mom came with her new boyfriend Phil, a baseball player she'd met in rehab,

while my father sent us a big fat check. He hadn't manage to show up at all even
though the wedding was only three blocks from his office and penthouse apartment
– I wasn't all that shocked.

The wedding was small but beautiful –everything I ever dreamed about, and the

honeymoon was magnificent – Edward was perfect.

- 131 -

Nine months after the wedding, Masen Edward Cullen was born.

As I held my son in my arms, I thought about all the mistakes I made and the way I

treated people – all the mistakes my parents made and the way they treated me. I
never knew love till I met Edward. He gave me everything – showed me what it
meant to be a friend, and a lover. He gave me hope and stood by me when I was at
my worst.

Edward placed Masen in crib and took me to bed. It was the six weeks since the

baby was born, and we finally had the go ahead to be intimate.

As Edward carefully removed my ratty night-gown and kissed me all over paying

special attention to my stretch marks – a physical reminder of the life we created –
all I could feel was his love. He pushed into me making me moan, giving me
everything.

My ridiculous little high school plan to lose my virginity in two weeks might have

been an epic failure, but it brought me to Edward, and showed me that my old life
was a life worth losing.

THE END

Done forget to check out my newest stories A Taste of Honey, Lost and

Found, and the O/S Sex Machine!

- 132 -

Document Outline

Title Page
Copyright Page
Table of Contents
Summary
1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2
3. Chapter 3
4. Chapter 4
5. Chapter 5
6. Chapter 6
7. Chapter 7
8. Chapter 8
9. Chapter 9
10. Chapter 10
11. Chapter 11
12. Chapter 12
13. Chapter 13
14. Chapter 14
15. Chapter 15
16. Chapter 16
17. Chapter 17
18. Chapter 18
19. Chapter 19
20. Chapter 20 Epilogue

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