LOSING IT

Cora Carmack

LOSING IT

whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief

quotations in a book review.

This is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s

imagination or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events,

or locales is entirely coincidental.

ISBN

978-0-9883935-0-9

ForLindsay

Myfirstreader.

Thankyouforallthetimesyou’velistenedtomevent.

You’veheardeverymortifyingstory.

You’vebeentherethroughtheawkward,thehilarious,andtheneardeathexperiences.

Stonelove.

Chapter One

Itookadeepbreath.

You are awesome.I didn’t quite believe it so I thought it again.Awesome. You are so

awesome.

Ifmymotherheardmythoughts,she’dtellmethatIneededtobehumble,buthumility

hadgottenmenowhere.

BlissEdwards,youareafreakingcatch.

So then how did I end up twenty-two years old, and the only person I knew who had

neverhadsex?SomewherebetweenSavedbytheBellandGossipGirl,itbecameunheardoffor

agirltograduatecollegewithherV-Cardstillinhand.AndnowIwasstandinginmyroom,

regretting that I’d gathered the courage to admitittomyfriendKelsey.ShereactedlikeI’d

justtoldherIwashidingatailunderneathmyA-lineskirt.AndIknewbeforeherjaweven

finisheddroppingthatthiswasaterribleidea.

“SERIOUSLY?IsitbecauseofJesus?Areyou,like,savingyourselfforhim?”Sexseemed

simplerforKelsey.ShehadthebodyofaBarbieandthesexually-chargedbrainofateenage

boy.

“No,Kelsey,”Isaid.“Itwouldbealittledif iculttosavemyselfforsomeonewho died

overtwothousandyearsago.”

Kelseywhippedoffhershirtandthrewitonthe loor.Imusthavemadeafacebecause

shelookedatmeandlaughed.

“Relax,PrincessPurity,I’mjustchangingshirts.”Shesteppedintomyclosetand started

flippingthroughmyclothes.

“Why?”

“Because,Bliss,we’regoingouttogetyoulaid.”Shesaidtheword‘laid’withacurlofher

tonguethatremindedmeofthoselatenightcommercialsforthoseadultphonelines.

“Jesus,Kelsey.”

Shepulledoutashirtthatwassnugonme,andwouldbedownrightscandalousonher

curvyframe.

“What?Yousaiditwasn’tabouthim.”

Iresistedtheurgetoslammypalmintomyforehead.

“It’s not, I don’t think… I mean, I go to church and all, well, sometimes. I just…I don’t

know.I’veneverbeenthatinterested.”

Shepausedwithhernewshirthalfwayoverherhead.

“Neverinterested?Inguys?Areyougay?”

I once overheard my mother, who couldn’t understand why I was about to graduate

collegewithoutaringonmyfinger,askmyfatherthesamequestion.

“No Kelsey, I’m not gay, so keep putting your shirt on. No need to fall on your sexual

swordforme.”

“Ifyou’renotgayandit’snotaboutJesus,thenit’sjustamatterof indingtherightguy,

orshouldIsay…therightsexualsword.”

I rolled my eyes. “Gee? Is that all? Find the right guy? Why didn’t someone tell me

sooner?”

Shepulledherblondehairbackintoahighponytail,whichsomehowdrewevenmore

attentiontoherchest.“Idon’tmeantherightguytomarry,honey.Imeantheright guytoget

yourbloodpumping.Tomakeyouturnoffyouranalytical,judgmental,hyperactivebrainand

thinkwithyourbodyinstead.“

“Bodiescan’tthink.”

“SEE!”Shesaid.“Analytical.Judgmental.”

“Fine!Fine.Whichbartonight?”

“StumbleInn,ofcourse.”

Igroaned.“Classy.”

“What?”KelseylookedatmelikeIwasmissingtheanswertoareallyobviousquestion.

“It’sagoodbar.Moreimportantly,it’sabarthatguyslike.Andsincewe dolikeguys,it’sabar

welike.”

Itcouldbeworse.Shecouldbetakingmetoaclub.

“Fine.Let’sgo.”Istood,andheadedforthecurtainthatseparatedmybedroomfromthe

restofmyloftapartment.

“WHOA!Whoa.”ShegrabbedmyelbowandpulledmesohardthatIfellbackonmybed.

“Youcan’tgolikethat.“

Ilookeddownatmyout it— loweryA-lineskirtandsimpletankthatshowedadecent

amountofcleavage.Ilookedcute.Icouldtotallypickupaguyinthis…maybe.

“Idon’tseetheproblem,”Isaid.

Sherolledhereyes,andIfeltlikeachild.Ihatedfeelinglikeachild,andIprettymuch

alwaysdidwhentalkturnedtosex.

Kelsey said, “Honey, right now you look like someone’s adorable little sister. No guy

wantstoscrewhislittlesister.Andifhedoes,youdon’twanttobenearhim.”

Yep,definitelyfeltlikeachild.“Pointtaken.”

“Hmm…soundslikeyou’repracticingturningoffthatoveractivebrainofyours.Good

job.Nowstandthereandletmeworkmymagic.”

Andbymagic,shemeanttorture.
After vetoing three shirts that made me feel like a prostitute, some pants that were

more like leggings, and a skirt so short it threatened to show the world my hoo-hooin the

eventofamildbreeze,wesettledonsometightlow-risedenimcapris,andalacyblacktank

thatstoodoutincontrasttomypalewhiteskin.

“Legsshaved?”

Inodded.

“Other…things…shaved?”

“Asmuchastheyareevergoingtobeyes,nowmoveon.”ThatwaswhereIdrewthe line

ofthisconversation.

Shegrinned,butdidn’targue.“Fine.Fine.Condoms?”

“Inmypurse.”

“Brain?”

“Turnedoff.Orwell…dialeddown,anyway.”

“Excellent.Ithinkwe’reready.”

Iwasn’tready.Notatall.

TherewasareasonIhadn’thadsexyet,andnowIknewit.Iwasacontrolfreak.Itwas

whyIhaddonesowellinschoolmyentirelife.Itmademeagreatstagemanager—noone

couldrunatheatrerehearsallikeIcould.AndwhenIdidgetupthenervetoact—Iwasalways

morepreparedthananyotheractorinclass.Butsex…thatwastheoppositeofcontrol.There

wereemotions,andattraction,andthatpeskyotherpersonthatjusthadtobeinvolved.Not

myideaoffun.

“You’rethinkingtoomuch,”Kelseysaid.

“Betterthannotthinkingenough.”

“Nottonightit’snot,”shesaid.

IturnedupthevolumeofKelsey’sIPodassoonaswegotinthecarsothatIcouldthink

inpeace.

Icoulddothis.Itwasjustaproblemthatneededtobesolved,anitemthatneededtobe

checkedoffmyto-dolist.

Itwasthatsimple.

Simple.

Keepitsimple.

We pulled up outside the bar several minutes later, and the night felt anything, but

simple.Mypantsfelttootight,myshirttoolow-cut,andmybraintooclouded.Iwanted to

throwup.

Ididn’twanttobeavirgin.ThatmuchIknew.Ididn’twanttofeelliketheimmature

prudewhoknewnothingaboutsex.Ihatednotknowingthings.Thetroublewas…asmuchas

Ididn’twanttobeavirgin,Ialsodidn’twanttohavesex.

The conundrum of all conundrums. Why couldn’t this be one of those square is a

rectangle,butrectangleisnotalwaysasquarekindofthings?

Kelseywasstandingoutsidemydoor,herhigh-heeledshoessnappingintimewithher

ingers as she roused me out of the car. I squared my shoulders, tossed my hair (half-

heartedly),andfollowedKelseyintothebar.

Imadeabeelinestraighttothebar,wiggledmyselfontoastool,andwaveddownthe

bartender.

Hewasapossibility.Blondhair,averagebuild,niceface.Nothingspecial,butcertainly

notoutofthequestion.Hecouldbegoodforsimple.

“WhatcanIgetfory’all,ladies?”

Southernaccent.Definitelyahomegrownkindofboy.

Kelseybuttedin,“Weneedtwoshotsoftequilatostart.”

“Makeitfour,”Icroaked.

Hewhistled,andhiseyesmetmine.“Thatkindanight,huh?”

Iwasn’treadytoputintowordswhatkindofnightthiswas.SoIjustsaid,“I’mlooking

forsomeliquidcourage.”

“And I’d be glad to help.” He winked at me, and he was barely out of earshot before

Kelseybouncedinherseat,saying,“He’stheone!He’stheone!”

HerwordsmademefeellikeIwasonarollercoaster,liketheworldhadjustdropped

andallmyorganswereplayingcatchup.Ijustneededmoretimetoadjust.That’sit.Igrabbed

Kelsey’sshoulder,andforcedhertostill.“Chill,Kels.You’relikeafreakingChihuahua.”

“What?He’sagoodchoice.Cute.Nice.AndItotallysawhimglanceatyourcleavage…

TWICE.”

She wasn’t wrong. But I still wasn’t all that interested in sleeping with him, whichI

supposedidn’thavetorulehimout,butthissurewouldbeahellofaloteasierifIwasactually

interestedin the guy. I said, “I’m not sure… there’s just no spark.” I could see an eye roll
coming,soItaggedonaquick,“Yet!”

When Bartender Boy returned with our drinks, Kelsey paid, and I took my two shots

beforesheevenhandedoverhercard.Hestayedforamoment,smilingatme,beforemoving

ontoanothercustomer.IstoleoneofKelsey’sremainingshots.

“You’reluckythisisabignightforyou,Bliss.Normally,nobodygetsbetweenme andmy

tequila.”

Iheldmyhandoutandsaid,“Well,nobodywillgetbetweentheselegsunlessI’mgood

anddrunksohandmethelastone.”

Kelseyshookherhead,butshewassmiling.Afterafewseconds,shegavein,andwith

fourshotsoftequilainmysystemtheprospectofsexseemedalittlelessscary.

Anotherbartendercameby,thisoneagirl,andIorderedaJackandcoketosiponwhileI

puzzledthroughthiswholemess.

TherewasBartenderBoy,buthewouldn’tgetoffuntilwellafter2A.M.Iwasanervous

wreck already, so if this dragged on till the wee hours of the morning, I’d be completely

psychotic.Icouldjustimagineit…straight-jacketedduetosex.

Therewasaguystandingnexttomewhoseemedtomoveseveralinchescloserwith

everydrinkItook,buthehadtobeatleastforty.No,thankyou.

I gulped down more of my drink, thankful the bartender went heavy on the Jack, and

scannedthebar.

“Whatabouthim?”Kelseyasked,pointingtoaguyatanearbytable.

“Toopreppy.”

“Him?”

“TooHipster.”

“Overthere?”

“Ew.Toohairy.”

ThelistcontinueduntilIwasprettysurethisnightwasabust.Kelseysuggestedwehit

anotherbar,whichwasthelastthingIwantedtodo.ItoldherIhadtogotothebathroom,and

hopedsomeonewouldcatchhereyewhileIwasgonesothatIcouldslipawaywithnodrama.

Thebathroomwasattheback,pastthepoolanddartsarea,behindasectionwithsomesmall

roundtables.

ThatwaswhenInoticedhim.

Well,technically,Inoticedthebookfirst.

AndIjustcouldn’tkeepmymouthclosed.“Ifthat’ssupposedtobeawaytopickupgirls,

Iwouldsuggestmovingtoanareawithalittlemoretraffic.”

Helookedupfromhisreading,andsuddenlyIfoundithardtoswallow.Hewaseasily

themostattractiveguyI’dseentonight—blondhairfallingintocrystalblueeyes,justenough

scruffonhisjawtogivehimamasculinelookwithoutmakinghimtoohairy,andafacethat

could have made angels sing. It wasn’t making me sing. It wasmaking me gawk. Why did I

stop?WhydidIalwayshavetomakeanidiotofmyself?

“Excuseme?”
My mind was still processing his perfect hair and bright blue eyes, so it took mea

secondtosay,“Shakespeare.NoonereadsShakespeareinabarunlessit’saploytopickup

girls.AllI’msayingisyoumighthavebetterluckupfront.”

Hedidn’tsayanythingforalongbeat,butthenhismouthsplitinagrinrevealing,what

doyouknow,perfectteeth!

“It’snotaploy,butifitwere,itseemstomethatI’mhavinggreatluckrighthere.”

Anaccent.HEHADABRITISHACCENT.DearGod,Iwasdying.

Breathe.Ineededtobreathe.

Don’tloseit,Bliss.

Heputhisbookdown,butnotbeforemarkinghisplace.MyGod,hewasreallyreading

Shakespeareinabar.

“You’renottryingtopickupagirl?”

“Iwasn’t.”

Myanalyticalbraindidnotmisshisuseofthepasttense.Asin…hehadn’tbeentryingto

seduceanyonebefore,butperhapshewasnow.

Itookanotherlookathim.Hewasgrinningnow—whiteteeth,jawstubblethatmade

him look downright delectable. Yep, I was de initely seducible. And that thought alonewas

enoughtosendmeintoshock.

“What’syourname,love?”

Love?LOVE!Stilldying,here.

“Bliss.”

“Isthataline?”

Iblushedcrimson.“No,it’smyname.”

“Lovelynameforalovelygirl.”Thetimbreofhisvoicewentintothatlowregisterthat

mademyinsidescurlinonthemselves—itwaslikemyuteruswastappingoutahappydance

ontherestofmyorgans.God,Iwasdyingthelongest,mosttortuous,andarousingdeathin

the history of the world. Was this what it always felt liketo be turned on? No wonder sex

madepeopledocrazythings.

“Well, Bliss, I’m new in town, and I’ve already locked myself out of my apartment.I’m

waitingonalocksmith,actually,andIfiguredI’dputthissparetimetogooduse.”

“BybrushinguponyourShakespeare?”

“Tryingto,anyway.Honestly,I’veneverlikedtheblokeallthatmuch,butlet’skeepthata

secretbetweenus,yeah?”

Iwasprettysuremycheekswerestillstainedred,iftheheatcomingoffofthemwasany

indication. In fact, my whole body felt like it was on ire. I wasn’t surewhether it was
mortificationorhisaccentthathadmeabouttospontaneouslycombustinfrontofhim.

“Youlookdisappointed,Bliss.AreyouaShakespearefan?”

Inodded,becausemythroatmighthavebeenclosingup.

He wrinkled his nose in response, and my hands itched to follow the line of his nose

downtohislips.

Iwasgoingcrazy.Actually,certifiablyinsane.

“Don’ttellmeyou’reaRomeoandJulietfan?”

Now,this.ThiswassomethingIcoulddiscuss.

“Othello,actually.That’smyfavorite.”

“Ah.FairDesdemona.LoyalandPure.”

Myheartstutteredatthewordpure.

“I,um,”Istruggledtopiecetogethermythoughts.“Ilikethejuxtapositionofreasonand

passion.”

“I’mafanofpassion,myself.”Hiseyesdippeddownthen,andranthelengthofmyform.

Myspinetingleduntilitfeltlikeitmightburstoutofmyskin.

“Youhaven’taskedmemyname,”hesaid.

Iclearedmythroat.Thiscouldn’tbeattractive.Iwasaboutassociableasacaveman.I

asked,“What’syourname?”

Hetiltedhishead,andhishairalmostcoveredhiseyes.

“Joinme,andI’lltellyou.”

Ididn’tthinkaboutanythingotherthanthefactthatmylegswerelikeJell-O,andsitting

downwouldpreventmefromdoingsomethingembarrassinglikepassingoutfromthein lux

ofhormonesthatwerequiteclearlyhavingafreeforallinmybrain.Isankintothechair,but

insteadofrelief,thetensionratchetedupanothernotch.

Hespoke,andmyeyessnaggedonhislips.“MynameisGarrick.”

Whoknewnamescouldbehot,too?

“It’snicetomeetyou,Garrick.”

He leaned forward on his elbows, and I noticed his broad shoulders, and the way his

musclesmovedbeneaththefabricofhisshirt.Thenoureyesconnected,andthebararound

uswentfromdimtodark,whileIwasensnaredbythosebabyblues.

“I’mgoingtobuyyouadrink.”Itwasn’tmeanttobeaquestion.Infact,whenhe looked

atme,therewasnothingquestioninginhimatall,onlycon idence.“Thenwecanchatsome

moreaboutreasonand…passion.”

Chapter Two

Icouldn’ttellwhethertheburningsensationinmychesthadtodowiththehoodedlook

Garrickwasgivingmeortheremainderofmy irstJackandCokethatIjustdownedlikeitwas

water.

AwaiterarrivedatGarrick’sbeckoning,andItookamomenttogivemyselfasilentpep

talkwhileheorderedhimselfadrink.

“Bliss?”Garrickprompted.

Hisvoicesentshiversthroughme.

Ilookedupathim,thenatthewaiter,whohappenedtobeBartenderBoyfromearlier. I

opened my mouth to ask for another Jack and Coke, but Bartender Boy stopped me witha

handonmyshoulder.“Iremember—JackandCoke,right?”

Inodded,andhethrewmeawinkandasmile.Ipausedwonderingforasecondhowhe

knewmyorder.Iwasprettysurethegirlbartenderhadservedmelast.Hewasstillsmilingat

me,soIforcedmyselftospeak.“Thanks,um…”

“Brandon,”hesupplied.

“ThanksBrandon.”

HeglancedatGarrick,andthenfocusedbackonme.

“ShouldItellyourfriendupfrontthatyou’llberightback?”

“Oh,um,sure,Iguess.”

He smiled in response, and stayed there staring at me for a few seconds before he

turnedtoheadbacktothebar.IknewIhadtolookatGarrickagain,butIwasterri iedI’dmelt

intoapuddleofarousalandawkwardnessifImethisgorgeouseyesagain.

Hesaid,“Youknow,sometimesIwonderifDesdemonawasasinnocentassheleton.

Maybesheknewtheeffectshehadonguys,andenjoyedmakingthemjealous.”

Imethiseyesthen,andtheywerenarrowed,studyingme.

Iswallowedmynervesandstudiedhimback.

“OrmaybeshewasjustintimidatedbyOthello’sintensityanddidn’tknowhowtotalkto

him.Communicationiskeyafterall.”

“Communication,eh?”

“Itcouldhavesolvedalotoftheirproblems.”

“Inthatcase,I’llendeavortobeasclearaspossible.”Hepickeduphischairandplacedit

mereinchesfrommine.Heslinkeddownbesidemeandsaid,“I’dratheryoudidn’tgobackto

yourfriend.Stayherewithme.”

Swallow,Bliss.Itoldmyself,youhavetoswalloworyoumightstartdrooling.

“Well,myfriendiswaiting.WhatwillwedoifIstay?”

Hereachedoutahandandpushedmyhairovermyshoulder.Hishandskimmedacross

myneck,pausingatmypulsepoint,whichmusthavebeengoingcrazy.

“WecantalkShakespeare.Wecantalkaboutanythingyouwant.ThoughIcan’tpromise

not to get distracted by your lovely neck.” His ingers traveled across my jaw, until they

reachedmychin,whichhepulledforwardslightlywiththepressureofhisindex inger.“Or

your lips. Or those eyes. I could woo you with stories about my life,like Othello does

Desdemona.”

Iwasalreadysuf icientlywooed.Myreplywasembarrassinglybreathy,“I’drathernot

paralleloureveningwithacouplewhoendedwithamurder/suicide.”

Hegrinned,andhis ingerdroppedfrommychin.Myskinburnedwherehehadtouched

me,andIhadtostopmyselffromleaningforwardtofollowhistouch.

“Touché.Idon’tcarewhatwedoaslongasyoustay.”

“Okay.”IwasimmenselyproudthatImanagedacalmreplyinsteadofthe DearGod,yes,

I’lldowhateveryouaskthatwascurrentlyrunningthroughmymind.

“MaybeIshouldlockmyselfoutmyapartmentmoreoften.”

I’dpreferwelockedourselvesin,actually.

Mypocketstartedvibrating,andIrushedtoanswermyphonebeforemyembarrassing

boybandringtonecameon.

“Yes?”

“Didyoufallinorwhat?”

ItwasKelsey.

“No,Kelsey,Ididn’t.Listen,whydon’tyoujustheadhomewithoutme.”

Garrick’seyesdarkened,andmybreathhitchedashisgazedroppedtomylips.

“Youarenotgettingoutofthis,Bliss.YouaregettinglaidtonightifIhaveto doitmyself.

“

God, could she be any louder? I thought that Garrick had to have heard, but his eyes

neverleftmylips.

“Thatwon’tbenecessary,Kels.”

ItriedtothinkofacrypticwaytotellherthatI’dalreadyfoundmyguy,whenIheardan

intakeofbreathfollowedby“OH.MY.GOD.”

IglancedoverGarrick’sshoulderintimetoseeKelsey’sgrinwiden,andthecrudehand

gesturethatfollowed.

“Yeah,okay,soI’lltalktoyoulater,Kels?”

“Youmostcertainlywill.You’llcallandtellmeeverydropdeadgorgeousdetail.”

“We’llsee.”
“Youbetterdoalotofseeingtonight,honey.Iexpectyoureyestobefullyopened after

thisevening’sencounter.”

Ihungupwithoutareply.

“Yourfriend?”heasked.

Inodded,becausehisstarecurrentlyhadmybloodboiling.NeverinmylifehadIfeltso

completelyturnedonbysomeonewhowasnoteventouchingme.Sexrolledoffthemanin

waves,andIwassurprisedtofindhowinterestedIwasinlearninghowtoswim.

“You’restaying?”

I nodded again, every muscle in my body drawn taut. If he didn’t kiss me soon, I was

goingtoexplode.JustwhenIthoughthemight,BartenderBoyreturnedwithourdrinks.He

cameupwithasmile,whichdroppeduponseeinghowcloseGarrickandIwere.

“Sorryittooksolong.We’reswampedupfront.”

Ilatchedontothedistraction.

“It’snoproblem,Brandon.”

“Sure.Youneedanythingelse?”

“No,I’mgood.”

Brandon’seyesflickedtoGarrick,andthenheleanedalittleclosertome.

“Yousure?

“We’resure,”Garricktaggedoncurtlybeforehandinghimafewbills.“Keepthechange.”

Brandoncheckedononemorecouplethatwasafewtablesaway,andthenheleftforthe

frontofthebaragain.Whenhewasoutofearshot,IturnedbacktoGarrick.Inoticedhisarm

hadmadeitswayaroundmychair.

“Areyouthejealoustype,Garrick?”

“Notreally.”

Iraisedaneyebrow,andhesmiledunabashedly.

Hesaid,“MaybethisdiscussionofOthellohassetmeabitonedge.”

“Thenlet’stalkaboutsomethingelse.Whattimedidthelocksmithsayhe’dbearoundto

yourapartment?”

Heglancedbrie lyathiswatch,andItookthechancetoeyetheincrediblebuildofhis

arms.“Heshouldbetherefairlysoon.”

“Shouldyougoandwaitforhim?”ItwashardtopinpointexactlywhatIwantedinthat

moment.Ide initelylikedhim,andIde initelywantedhimtokissme,butIwassousedto

sabotaging things like this so that they never got too far. I was alwayssearching for a

backdoor,thewayout.

“Areyoutryingtogetridofme?”

Itookabreath.Nobackingout.Nobackdoors,notthistime.Ibitmylip,andlookedat

him.Ihopedhecouldn’treadthefearthrummingbeneathmyconfidentfaçade.Isaid,“Iguess,

wecouldgoandwaitforhim.”

Helookedatmylipsagain.Dying…Iwasdyingforhimtokissme.

“Muchbetter.”

Hestoodandofferedmehisarm.“Mylady?”

“Youdon’twanttofinishourdrinks?”

He took my hand, and pressed his lips against the inside of my wrist. “I’m already

intoxicated.”

Ilaughed,becausethelinewasridiculous(andbecauseIdidn’twanttoadmitthatitstill

worked).

Hegrinned.“Toofar?WhatcanIsay…theBardgivesmeaflairforthedramatic.”

“Let’stryforsomerealisminstead.”

Hesaid,“IthinkIcandothat.”

I’dbarelyprocessedhiswordsbeforehe’dpulledmeupfromthechairandcoveredmy

mouthwithhisown.Hisscentoverwhelmedme—citrusandleatherandsomethingelsethat

mademymouthwater.Iwasalmosttooshockedtoreact.Iwasacutelyawareofthefactthat

hewaskissingmeinthemiddleofabar,untilhenippedatmybottomlip.ThenIforgotabout

everything but him. My whole body shuddered, and my heartdropped toward my stomach

liketheforceofgravityhaddoubled.Myheadwasswimming,butIdidn’tcare.Iopenedmy

mouth,andimmediatelyhistonguesweptin,takingcontrol.Myhandsclutchedathisback,

andinresponse,hepulledmecloser.Hiskisswasslowandthenfast,tenderthenpunishing.

WewerepressedtogethersotightlythatIcouldfeeleveryplaneofhisbody,butstillIwanted

tobecloser.Hishandslidupthebackofmyshirt—hot ingerspressedintomyalreadyover-

heated lesh.Amoanescapedmymouthattheintimatecontact.Immediately,Iregrettedit,

becausethesoundseemedtoclearhishead,andhepulledaway.

Icouldn’tstopmylipsfromfollowinghim,buthestayedoutofreachofmykiss.Instead

hegroaned,duckedhishead,andplacedahotkissonmyneck.

Mybrainwasde initelydialeddown.Iwasallbodyinthatmoment,andGod,itfeltgood.

Iwasonlythesumofmynerveendings,whichweregoingcrazy.Heexhaledheavily, andit

scorchedmyskin.Hisvoicewasraspywhenhespoke,“Sorry.Gotcarriedaway.”

Those were exactly the right words. Carried away. I had never been so caught up in

anotherpersonbefore.I’dneverbeenso…outofcontrol.Itatonceexcitedandterrifiedme.

Hisfaceappearedbeforemine,andItriedtokeepmyexpressionneutral.Hishandslid

outofmyshirt,andIshivered,myskinmourningtheloss.

Hetookastepback.“Right.Mightbetimeforalittlemorereason,littlelesspassion.”

I laughed, but inside I was giving the middle inger to reason. It had ruled me long

enough.

Chapter Three

“You’rekiddingme,right?”

Istaredathim,wonderingifmycontrolfreaksidecouldhandlethis.

Hishandskimmedmyjaw.“IpromiseI’llgoslow.”

Ishookmyhead,andhishanddropped.“Idon’tthinkIcandothis.”

“Justholdontome.Ipromise…you’llhavefun.”

“Garrick…”

“Bliss,justtrustme.”

Itookadeepbreath.Icoulddothis.IjusthadtodialdownmybrainlikeKelseysaid.

“Okay,buthurry…beforeIchangemymind.”

Hisfacesplitinasmile,andheplacedaquickkissonmytemple.“Thatagirl.”

Then he carefully ixed the helmet over my hair, threw a leg over his motorcycle,and

offered me a hand. I pushed down my reservations, and slipped my hand into his.The seat

was curved so that even though I tried to sit a few inches back, I slid untilmy body was

pressedrightupagainsthis.

Hishandsettledonmyknee,hisfingerscurvinguntiltheytickledatthesensitiveareaat

theback.

“Holdontome.”

IdidasIwastold,andnearlyhadananeurismwhenIcouldfeeltheridgesofhisabs

throughhisshirt.SuddenlyIwasuber-consciousofthelittlepudgethatrestedjustabovemy

jeans.HewasgoingtotakeonelookatmybodyandknowthatIwasn’tgoodenoughforhim.

Hell,hecouldprobablyfeelthatpudgeagainsthisbacknow,andwasalreadyregrettingthis.

Thenthehandaroundmykneegaveaquicktug,andeventhoughIdidn’tthinkwecouldget

anycloser,wedid.

Iwasn’tjustpressedagainsthim.Iwasplastered.

Mypelviswassotightagainsthimthatadizzyspelltorethroughme.Andatthatsame

moment,wetookoff.Idugmyhandsintohismiddle,andhejumped,thewholemotorcycle

swervingtotheside.

Iscreamed.Well,morelikeshrieked.Rightinhisear.

Hestraightenedusout,andthenslowedtoastopatthestopsign.

“Allright?”

Myfaceburiedagainsthisshoulder,Imanagedtosqueakout,“Yeah.”

“Sorry,love,I’mjustaweebitticklishisall.”

“Oh.”Iloosenedthe ingersthatwerepracticallygougingintohissides.ThankGodhe

couldn’tseemyfacerightnow.Redwasnotagoodlookonme.

Hetookmyhands,andpulledsothatmyforearmswereacrosshismiddle,andmyarms

werewrappedcompletelyaroundhim.

“That’sbetter.Let’sgiveitanothergo.”

Thistimewhenhetookoff,Ididn’tscream.Hegainedspeedslowly,andIkeptmy cheek

flatagainsthisbackwithmyeyesclosed.

Shakespearewasstuckinmyheadfromourearlierconversation,soIrecitedeverything

I knew to keep my mind busy. I started with Hamlet’s soliloquy. Then moved on to the St.

Crispin’sDaySpeechfromHenryV.Iwas inishingupMacbeth’sTomorrowandTomorrow

andTomorrowmonologuewhenGarrickinterrupted.

“YoureallydolovetheBard.”

Morti ication was becoming my default emotion. Guess I wasn’t reciting those in my

headlikeIthoughtIwas.

“Oh,I,um,justmemorizereallyeasily.”

My cheek still against his back, I tried to calm my sprinting heart. Now that the

motorcyclewasn’tmoving,mybrainwasfreetofearthatotherthingthatIhadbeenactively

notthinkingabout.

Sex.

Iwasgoingtohavesex.

Withaboy.

Ahotboy.

AhotBRITISHboy.

OrmaybeIwasgoingtothrowup.

WhatifIthrewuponthehotBritishboy?

WhatifIthrewuponthehotBritishboyDURINGSEX?

“Bliss?”

Ijerkedback,horrifiedandwonderingifIaccidentallyspokealoudagain.

“Yes?”

“Wecangetoffthebikeanytime.”
“Oh.”IpulledmyarmsbacksoquicklythatInearlylostmybalanceandfelloffthebike.

Luckily,withonlyaminorsqueak,Imanagedtostabilizemyself,andslowlyslideoffthebike.

Thenmycalfgrazedapipeonthesideofthebike,andIwasscreamingagain.

Itwashot.SoFREAKINGhot.Andnowmyskinwasstinging.

“Bliss?”

I had limped several feet away from the bike by the time Garrick caught up to me.

Despitemyclenched ists,andthewayIwasbitingdownonmyliptoholdinthepain, my

eyesweretearingup.

Hishandscuppedmyface irst,andthenheglanceddownatmylegwherearedwelt

wasshiningaboutaninchbelowthebottomofmycapris.

“Ohbugger.”

Ikeptmylipsclampedshut,uncertainifIcouldopenmymouthwithoutcrying.Garrick

slippedanarmaroundmywaist,andIthrewoneoverhisshoulder.

“Comeon,love.Let’shopethatlocksmithhasalreadyarrived.”

Forthefirsttime,Ilookedaroundandrealizedwherewewere.

Wewereinmyapartmentcomplex.

Welivedinthesameapartmentcomplex!

IwarredoverwhetherIshouldsaysomethingashesteeredmetowardhisapartment.I

almostmentioneditwhenwewalkedpastmyowncar,butthenIremindedmyselfthatthis

wassupposedtobeaone-nightthing.Hewasonebuildingoverfromme.ThankGod.Whatif

hehadlivedrightbesideme,andIhadtoseehimeverydayafterthenodoubtterriblesexI

wasabouttotrytohavewithhim?

Wegottohisdoor.

Nolocksmith.

Theskinonmycalffelthot,likeIwasstandingrightnexttoanopenflame.

Heshotmeaworriedlook,andthenpulledouthisphone.

Hehitthecallbuttontwice,redialingthelastnumberhecalled.

Hesteppedawayfrommetotalk,andIleanedheavilyagainstthewallbesidehisdoor.

Clearly,Iwasnotmeanttohavesex.ThiswasGodtellingmethatIwasmeanttobeanun.Get

theetoanunnery,andallthatcrap.

IwassodeliriousIwasconfusingGodandShakespeare.

Garrickcameback,andevenhisfrownwasgorgeous.

“Badnews.Thelocksmithgotheldup,andwon’tbehereforanotherhour.”

Itriednottocringe.Ifailed.
Heknelt,andhis ingersranupmyshin,stoppingafewinchestotherightofmyburn.

Thank God I’d shaved. He took a deep breath, and released it slowly throughhis nose. He

closedhiseyesforamoment,andthennodded.

“Right.Well,inthatcase,weshouldmaybetakeyoutotheEmergencyRoom.”

“What?No!”

What would Kelsey say? I went out aiming to have sex, and instead I ended up in the

EmergencyRoom.FML.

“Bliss,theburnisn’ttoobad,butifyoudon’tstarttreatingit,it’sgoingtohurtlikehell.”

Itippedmyheadbackagainstthewall,andblewastrayhairoutofmyface.“Idon’tlive

far.Wecanjustgotomyplace.”

“Oh.Okay.”

His grin eased back on to his face, and for a brief second I was too awash in other

feelingstorememberthepain.Hecontinued,“We’llhavetobecarefulputtingyoubackonthe

motorcycle.Wouldn’twantyoutoburnyourselfagain.”

Ibitdownonmybottomlip.“Wedon’tactuallyhavetogetonthebike.”

Hegracefullyarchedoneeyebrow.

“WhenIsayIdon’tlivefar.ImeanthatIliveinthenextbuildingover.”

Both eyebrows jumped up then. His surprise only lasted a second before a different

expressioncrossedhisface—onehardertopinpointthatmadethebutter liesinmystomach

starthavingseizures.

“Let’sgotoyourflat,then…neighbor.”

Ifeltweakintheknees,andnotjustbecauseofthepain.

Iswallowed,butmymouthstillfeltdry.Hedidn’tputhisarmaroundmeagain,but his

ingers touched my back lightly, and then stayed there as we walked. We arrived at my

apartmentinlessthanaminute.HishanddroppedtomylowerbackasIrummagedformy

keys,andforasecond,IforgotwhatIwassearchingfor.

Keys.Tomyapartment.

Whichhewasabouttoenter.

Withme.

Alone.

Tohavesex.

Sex.

Sex.
My ingersfeltbrokenasItriedandfailedtoinsertthekeyintothelock.Hedidn’tsay

anything.Nordidhetakethekeysfromme—whichwasgood,becausethatwouldhavetotally

pissedmeoff.Imayhavebeenamental,emotional,andphysicalwreck,butIdidn’tneedaguy

toturnakeyforme.Hishandstayedcalmly,gently,patiently againstmybackuntilImanaged

toforcethedooropen.

WhenIsteppedforwardintothedarkhallway,hishanddidn’tfollow.Ilookedback at

him, standing on my porch, his hand now tucked casually into his pockets. His smilewas

crooked,endearing,andheart-stoppinglygorgeous.Buthelookedlikehedidn’tplantocome

inside.Thiswasit.Hehadchangedhismind.BecauseIwasacompletemess.Whywouldn’t

he?

Itookabreath,remindingmyselfthatIwasawesome.Iwasnotinsecureorshy.Iwas

justavirgin.Nobigdeal.AndifIeverwantedtonotbeavirgin,Iwasgoingtohavetohave

sex.Timetoman,um…woman,up.

“Are you waiting for an invitation?” I asked, eyeing him standing carefully outsidemy

door.“Isthisthepartwhereyoutellmeyou’reavampire?”

Hechuckled.“No,IpromisethepalenessisonlybecauseI’mBritish.”

“Thenwhatareyouwaitingfor?Whathappenedtotheguywhomademesitto indout

hisnameandmadeitabundantlyclearthathedidn’twantmegoingbacktomyfriend?”What

happenedtotheguywhowasboldinwaysIcouldonlypretendtobe?

Hetookonestep,sothathestoodinthedoorframe,andleanedagainstthejamb.“That

guyistryingtobeagentleman,becauseasmuchashewantedyoutocomebacktohisplace

andasmuchashewantstokissyou—you’rehurt,andI’mafraidyoudon’tactuallywantme

here.”

“Youmeanhe’safraid.”

“Hmm?”

“Youwerespeakinginthethirdperson,andthenswitchedtofirst…”AndIwasrambling.

“SoIwas.”Hewasstillsmiling.Whatdidthatmean?“Itwasnicetomeetyou,Bliss.”

ThiswastheeasyoutifIdidn’twanttogothroughwiththis.IfIwantedmyvirginityto

seethelightofday…again.Hewasturningaway.AllIhadtodowaslethimgo.

“Wait!”

Hesmiledasmall,concealedsmile,andraisedthatoneeyebrowagain.

Ibreathedthroughmyfear.“Ifhe’stryingtobeagentleman,shouldn’thestayandtryto

helptheinjuredgirlwhoknowsnothingabouttreatingmotorcycleburns?”

Hiseyesleftminetoglanceatmycalf,andwhenhelookedupagain,hiseyesfoundmy

lipsinstead.

“Theinjuredgirlisright.Itwouldbethegentlemanlythingtodo.”

Thenhesteppedinsidemyapartmentandclosedthedoor.

The light from the streetlamps outside disappeared, and we stood in the darkened

hallwaybecausemyoverheadlighthadbeenburntoutforweeks,andIstillhadn’treplacedit.

Icouldfeeltheheatradiatingoffofhimashesteppedcloser.Hishandonceagainsettled

inthesmallofmyback,andhewhisperedinthedark,“Leadtheway,love.”

Chapter Four

Istoodinmybathroominatanktopandunderwearwithmypantsaroundmyknees,on

thevergeofhyperventilating.Garrickwasoutsidethedoor,anditwaslikehewasamagnet.

Myheartkepttryingtoleapoutofmychesttowardhim.Hehadtoldmetotakeoffmycapris,

andthatI’dneedtokeepfromwearingtightclothesovertheburnforawhile.Hehadoffered

tohelpmegetthecapripantsoff,butthatmademefeellikeIwasgoingtovomitagain.So

instead,Ibeganwigglingthemoffmyself,tryingandfailingtokeepthefabricfromtouching

thedamagedskin.

Islidthematerialabitlower,andbitdownonmyliptotryandsilenceagroan.

“Bliss?”Garrickknockedlightlyatthedoor.“Youokay?”

“Justpeachy!”Isaidback.

Ipulledonthepantsagainandgasped.

“Bliss,justletmehelp.You’reworryingme.”

Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtothinkofawayaroundthis.Hobblingawkwardlywithmyjeans

aroundmyknees,Ifoundaskirtwithanelasticwaistinmyhamper.Ipulleditovermyhead,

anddowntocovermyunderwear,andthentookaseatonthetoilet.

I felt my cheeks, certain that they were probably a mortifying shade of red. NothingI

coulddoaboutitnow.Isaid,“Okay.Comein.”

Thedoorswungopenslowly,andGarrick’sheadpeekedaroundthecorner,followed by

the rest of him. He took one look at my rumpled skirt, and the jeans bunched aroundmy

knees.

Thenhelaughed.Raucouslaughter,actually.

“Thisissohumiliating.”HowwasIevergoingtohavesexwithhimnow?

Hepressedhislipstogethertostopthelaughter,butamusementstilldancedinhiseyes.

“I’msorry.Iknowyou’reinpain.Youjustlookso…”

“Ridiculous?”

“Cute.”

Ileveledhimwithaglare.

“Ridiculouslycute.”

Hisgrinwasintoxicating,andIcouldn’thelpmybegrudgingsmile.

“Alright. Now that you’ve had your laugh, help me take off my pants,” I said with the

samesarcasmI’dbeenrelyingonsinceheentered.

Eitherhedidn’tcatchthesarcasmorhejustdidn’tcarebecausehiseyes ixedonmein

awaythatIcouldonlydescribeasdownrightpredatory.Suddenly,muchmore than my leg

wasburningup.

He stared at me for a moment before dropping his eyes, and clearing his throat.

Kneelingbesideme,hetookmylegintohishands.

I had already started to pull the capris down, so the burn was currently covered.His

handhoveredbythezipper,whichwasnowaroundthemiddleofmythighs.Heclearedhis

throatagain,andthenslippedhishanddownmypantleg.

HEART.ATTACK.

IwasprettysureIwashavingone.

Usinghisotherhand,hepulledthejeansdownasfarashecould,justovermyknees.He

lookedupatme,clearedhisthroatagain,andsaid,“CanIborrowyourhand?”

Icouldn’tspeak,butIputmyrighthandforward,thepalmofwhichwasembarrassingly

sweaty.Hetookmyhand,andpulleditinsidemypantlegtojoinhisown.

“Keepyourhandhere,andpullthefabricasfarawayfromyourlegasyoucan.I’lldothe

sameatthebottom,andwe’lltrytoslipthemoffwithouttouchingtheburn.”

Inodded,myhandtentimessteadierthanmyheart.

Heslippedhishandupandout,hislighttouchsendingshiversthroughme.Hedidashe

said,pullingthefabricawayfrommyskinatthebottom,andthentogetherwetriedtopullthe

pantsoff.

It wasn’t the most successful mission. These jeans were indecently tight (thanks to

Kelsey),andeveryonceandawhilethefabricbumpedmyskin,andIcringed.

“Sorry,”heapologizedeachtimelikeitwashisfault.Iwantedtocorrecthim,but Ijust

lovedthewayhesaid“soo-ri”somuchthatIletitgo.

Afteraminuteortwoofslowandcarefulmaneuvering,myjeanshitthefloor.

Webothlaughed—thewayyouseepeopleinmovieslaughafterthey’vejustdiffuseda

bomb.AndwhenIstoppedlaughing,Irealizedthathishandwasstillonmyleg.Onehandwas

cuppedaroundmyankle,andtheotherwasbrushingsoftlyagainsttheskinaroundtheburn.

Ifhekepttouchingmelikethat,Iwasgoingtomeltintoapuddlerighthereonthefloor.

“Um,thanks.”

He seemed to realize then what he was doing. His eyes licked quickly to his hands.

Insteadofpullingbackimmediately,hegrinned,brushedhishandslowlydownmyleg,and

thenletgo.

“Noproblem.Nowweneedtocoolitoff.Wecouldrunitundercoolwater.”Ipictured

myleghikeduptothesink,orusbothtryingtomaneuverinmybathtub.Myfacemusthave

givenitaway,becauseheadded,“Orjustacooldampclothwillwork.”

Ihandedhimawashclothfromabasketbehindme,andheturnedonthesink,waiting

untilthewaterwascoolbeforewettingthecloth.

Isuckedinabreathashelaiditacrossmyburn,butthecoolfeltgood,enoughthat I

relaxedforthefirsttimesincewecameintomyapartment.

“Better?”

Inodded,“Much.I’llneverwearjeansthattightagain.”

Hequirkedasmile.“Nowthatwouldbeashame.”

Iwasgoingtoneedafantokeepmyselfcoolifhekeptsayingthingslikethat.

“Listen,”Hebegan.“I’msorryaboutthis.Inevershouldhavepushedyoutogetonthat

bike.”

“It’snotyourfaultIknownothingaboutmotorcycles,anddidn’trealizeitwouldbehot.”

“Ican’tbelieveyou’veneverbeenonamotorcycle.”

“Yeah,well,therearealotofthingsI’veneverdone.”

Hequirkedoneeyebrow.“Likewhat?”

“Well…”Iswearmyheartbeatsoundedlikestu-pid,stu-pid,stu-pidasitpounded inmy

ears.“Um,untiltodayI’dnevermetanyonewhowasBritish.”

He laughed, combing his ingers unconsciously through his hair. It madem ewant to

combmyfingersthroughhishair.

Hesaid,“That’swhyyoukissedme,isn’tit?AllyouAmericangirlsseemtoloveaccents.”

Iswallowedmysmileandsaid,“Ibelieveyouweretheonewhokissedme.”

Hestood,andhismessyblondhairfelloverhisforehead,framingthosedevilisheyes.

“SoIwas.”

Herantheclothunderthewateragaintokeepitcool,butmybodywastooheatedto

reallytellthedifferencewhenheplaceditbackonmyskin.Hisotherhandcurledaroundmy

ankleagain.

Ikeptmybreathcarefullysteady,andsaid,“Yourturn.”

“Hmm?”

“What’ssomethingyou’veneverdone?”

“Well,I’veneverchattedupagirlinapubbeforetonight.”

Myjawdropped.“Really?”Howwasthatpossible?Hewasgorgeous!Maybeallthegirls

justthrewthemselvesathimbeforeheevenenteredthebar,soheneverhadtobotherwith
goinginside.

Heshrugged,andwiththemotionhisthumbstartedbrushingbackandforthagainstthe

topofmyfoot.

“I know it goes against the English stereotype, but I’ve never been much for getting

sloshed,umdrunk,allthetime.”

“Meneither,”Isaid.AndImeantit,eventhoughmyheadwasstillabitfuzzyfrom all

thattequila.“Sowhatbringsthisnon-stereotypicalBrittoTexas?”

Heshrugged.“I’vebeenintheStatesforawhile.Icameheretogotoschool,andnever

wentback.IactuallyjustmovedbacktoTexasthough.Haven’tbeenhereforafewyears.”

“Metoo.Ijustmovedbackhereafewyearsago.”

I’dgrownupinTexaswhenIwaslittle,butwemovedtoMinnesotawhenIwasin8

grade.Itwasalwaysmyplantocomebackhereforcollege.

He re-wetted the cloth one more time, and we sat there talking. He told me about

growingupinEngland,andhowdifferentithadbeenlivinginthestates.

“The irsttimesomebloketoldmehelikedmypants,IwassoshockedIthoughtI’dleft

homemissingafewkeythings.”

“Pants?Idon’tunderstand.”

“That’swhatwecallunderwear,love.”

“Oh,”Ilaughed.“Goodtoknow.”

“WhenIaskedaclassmateforarubber,youcallthemerasers,everyonelaughedsohard

thatIwasreadytoboardaflightstraightbacktoLondon.”

Itriedtoholdinmylaughter,andfailed.ButI iguredhedeserveditafterlaughingatmy

pants,um…jeans,ordealearlier.

“Thatmusthavebeenterrible.”

He reached for the gauze I’d pulled down from the cabinet earlier, and he carefully

placeditovertheburn,andtapeddowntheedgesashespoke.

“You get used to it. I’ve been here so long now that I usually manage well enough.

OccasionallywhenIvisitLondon,andcomeback,Ihavesometroubleadjusting,butinall,I’d

sayI’mfairlyAmericanized.”

“Exceptforthataccent.”

He smiled. “Can’t get rid of the accent now, can I? Then how would I ever attractthe

attentionofprettythingslikeyou?”

“ByreadingShakespeareinabar,obviously.”

Helaughed,andthesoundspreadthroughmyskin,looseningsomeofmynerves.
“You’recute,”hesaid.

Irolledmyeyes.“Yes…ridiculouslyso,asweestablishedearlier”

“WouldyoufeelbetterifIcalledyouridiculouslysexy?”

Justlikethat,theeaseI’dfeltearlierdisappeared,andmybreathscametooshallow.I

hadnoanswer.WhatcouldIpossiblysaytothat?

“What’sthatlookfor?”Heasked.
Ihadnoideawhichofmymultitudeofemotionshadshownonmyface,soIshrugged.

“Youactlikenoone’severcalledyousexybefore.”Thatwouldbebecausetheyhadn’t.

“WhichIknowcan’tbetrue,notwhenyoulookthewayyoulookedtonight.Icouldbarelykeep

myhandsoffyou,andwe’veonlyjustmet.I’dbeembarrassedifIhadn’tenjoyeditsomuch.”

Thiswasit.Imaynothavehadsex,butIknewenoughtoknowwhenaguywasputting

themovesonme.Andremarkably,Ididn’tevencare.AllIcaredaboutwasthefact thathewas

sittingsoclosetome,andwasdrivingmecrazy.Hishandwasstillleisurelystrokingmyankle,

andifhedidn’tkissmeagainsoonIwasgoingtocombust.“Lookatme,Ican’tevenkeepmy

handsoffyounow.”

Iswallowed,butmymouthsuddenlyfeltlikeI’dswallowedasandbox.

Hepulledhimselfuponhisknees,andhishandtrailedfrommyankleuptheoutsideof

myuninjuredcalf.HishipswereafewinchesawayfrommykneesasIsattheredumbfounded

onthetoilet.

“TellmeI’mnotcrazy,”Hesaid.

Icouldn’tdothat.Iwasnowherenearsaneenoughatthemomenttoadviseanyoneelse

onrationalbehavior.

“TellmeIcankissyou.”

That…thatIcoulddo.

“Youcankiss—“

I didn’t even inish the sentence before his lips were on mine, and my burn was

forgottencompletely.

Chapter Five

Thekissendedtoosoon.

An embarrassing groan of disappointment left my mouth, but it couldn’t be helped.

Luckily,Garrickwasn’tdone.Hestood,andpulledmeupbymyelbows.Hedrewme inuntil

ourbodiesfittogetherinawaythathadn’tbeenpossiblewhenIwasseated.

“That’sbetter,”Hesaid.

Ididn’tbotheragreeing.Ijustlifteduponmytiptoesandkissedhim.

Comparedtoourearlierkiss,thisonewasslow,exploratory,andlikekindlingon a ire.

Oneofhishandscurledaroundmyneck,histhumbpressinggentlyintomycollarbone.The

otherdancedfrommyhairtomyshouldertomyhip,andthenback.

Foronceinmylife,Iconcentratedsimplyonthefeelofaguyagainstme,thebrushofhis

tongue against mine, the pinpricks of heat where his ingers pressed into myskin. I didn’t

thinkaboutanything—notaboutmybreath,orwhethermyhandswereintherightplace,or

whathewasexpecting.Ilostmyselfinhim.

Myhandsrestedathiships,andIwantedtodosomeexploringofmyown.Ipulledmy

hands in until they rested on his stomach between us. At my movement, his lipspressed a

little bit harder against mine. His tongue pushed a little bit deeper. Islid both hands up,

feeling the hard curves of his body beneath the fabric of hisshirt. When my exploration

reachedhischest,hishandtuggedmyhipforward,sothatmystomachwaspressedagainst

him.

Icouldfeelthewayhewantedme,andatrickleofanxietystartedatmyspine.Thenhis

kissturnedharderandfaster,andIracedtofollowhislead,ignoringmynerves.

Ileftonehandonhischest,andwrappedtheotheraroundhisneck,andpulledmyselfup

fartheronmytiptoes,sothatmyhipslinedupwithhis.

Garrickbrokethekiss,andexhaledshakilyagainstmylips.ThebrilliantblueI’dseenin

hiseyesearlierwasovertakenalmostcompletelybyhisblackpupils.Heplacedahandonmy

jaw;histhumbpulledatmybottomlip.Forseverallongseconds,hejuststudiedme.

“Youareridiculouslysexy,youknow.”

Iloweredmyheelstothe loor,mycalvesburningtoomuchtostayonmytiptoes.AndI

couldn’tlookinhiseyesanymore.EverytimeI’dalmostcompletelyturnedoffmybrain,he

said something to turn it back on. I said, “You know you don’t need that line. I was already

kissingyou.”

“Andwhatagoodkissitwas.”Histhumbbrushedagainstmylipagain,andhetippedmy

facebackuptowardhim.“I’dliketodoitagainsomewherethatisn’tyourbathroom.”

“Oh,right.”Washeaskingtogotomybedroom?Iwasprettysurehewasaskingto goto

mybedroom.

I fumbled with the doorknob for a few seconds before my clouded brain managed to

swingthedooropen.Weexitedintothedarkhallwayagain,andhishandfoundmybackonce

more.

“Sorry,thehallwaylightisout,andIhaven’thadachancetochangeit.”

Hislipswererightbymyearwhenheanswered,“Idon’tmindthedark.”

Allthetinyhairsalongmyskinstoodonend.

We stepped into the living room, and I lipped on a light that actually worked. My

apartmentwasaloftwithanopen loorplan.Twowallswerebrick,andtheotherwaspainted

a pretty plum color. The ceiling was tall with exposed pipes criss-crossingabove us. My

bedroomwasofftotheright,separatedfromthelivingroombyonlyalavendercurtainsinceI

didn’tactuallyhaveadoor.

“Well,thisismylivingroom.”Igesturedwithonehand,unsurewhetherheexpected a

tourorifIshouldjustskipstraighttothebedroom.I’dneverdonethisbefore,soIhadnoidea

whether we were supposed to do the traditional niceties irst. Myheart ran wildly as he

walkedaroundtheroom,inspectingapaintinghere,aknick-knackthere.

“It’snice.Fitsyou,Ithink.”

I beamed. I loved this apartment. It always made me feel like I was in an episodeof

Friends.

“I’mashamedtosaythatmyplaceisstillcoveredinboxes.Wouldn’thavemadefora

veryinterestingtour.”

God,howIwishedwewereathisplace.Thenhewouldbeincontrol.Ihatednotknowing

whatIwassupposedtodonext.

His eyes licked to the curtain that led to my bedroom. It was quick. His eyes were

almostimmediatelybackonthelamphewasstandingnextto,butIsawit.

Thiswasit.Iwasabouttohavesex.

ShouldItellhimIwasavirgin?Ishouldtellhim.

ShouldItellhimnow?Orrightbefore?

I remembered Kelsey’s advice, and forced myself to dial back my fears. I turned the

volumedownsolowthatIcouldpretendIwasn’tthinkingatall.

BeforeIchickenedout,Iwalkedforwardandheldoutmyhand.Hetookitimmediately,

andIledhimthroughthecurtainandintomybedroom.Therewasnooverheadlightingin

thisarea,soI lippedonalamptomyright,andthenlefthimtoturnonanotherbesidemy

bed.

WhenIturnedaroundhewasholdinguptheindecentlyshortmini-skirtthatKelseyhad

mademetryonearlier.

His eyes met mine, and his grin made my lungs feel like they were on the verge of

collapse.Isnatchedtheskirtoutofhishands,scoopedupthefewotherarticlesof clothing

stillonmybed,andthrewthemintomycloset.

“Sorryaboutthat.”

“Youdon’thearmecomplaining.”

Iraisedandeyebrow,andsaid,“Forgetaboutit.Youwillneverseemeinthatskirt.”

“Never?Isthatachallenge,love?”

“It’sapromise.”

Heskirtedthecornerofmybedtojoinmeinthespacebetweenmybedandthewall.“I’d

feelverycomfortablehelpingyoubreakthatpromise.”

Heplacedahandonmyshoulder,hisindex ingerdippingbeneaththestrapofmytank

top.

“I’msureyou’dbecomfortablehelpingmedoalotofthings.”

Hishandtightenedonmyshoulderandhiseyesdroppedtomylips.

“ThatIwould.”

Thenhekissedme.

Hedidn’tbotherwithsoftandsweetthistime.Therewasahungrydesperationinhis

kissthathadmegaspingintohismouth.Histeethpulledonmybottomlipinthesameway

histhumbhadearlier,andmywholebodytrembledinresponse.Hebentslightly,andswept

an arm around my waist, pulling me up and against him so thatour bodies were lined up

perfectly.

Mytoesbarelybrushedthe loor,butitdidn’tmatter.Hewasholdingmeup.Iburied my

handsintohismessylocks,andthrewmyselfintothekiss.Hetookafewstepsbackward,and

satontheedgeofmybed.Oninstinct,mylegswentoneithersideofhislap,straddlinghim.

Thehandthathadbeenaroundmywaistcurvedaroundmybuttandpulledmeagainsthim.

If I had any doubt about where this was heading, it disappeared then. He pulled me

again, his own hips tilting up at the same time, and I broke the kiss, gasping. Hismouth

skimmedacrossmyjawanddownmyneck.Hislipslingeredovermypulsepoint,histongue

brushingacrossthesensitiveskin.Hecontinueddownovermycollarboneuntilmytanktop

blockedanyfurtherprogress.Ithoughthewouldstop,butheslippedthetanktopstrapoffmy

shoulder,andhislipsneverleftmyskin.Hisotherhandsnuckbeneaththebottomofmyshirt,

teasingtheskinaroundthewaistbandofmyskirt.

Myhandswerestilltangledinhishair,andItightenedmygripandpulledhisfaceback

tomine.Hishandbrushedhigheraswekissed,smoothingovermyribcage,myskinburning
inhiswake.Whenhishandcuppedmybreast,Irockedagainsthim,andhegroaned.Theskirt

I’dthrownonearlierwasuparoundmythighs,andtherewassolittlebetweenus.Itiltedmy

hipsforwardagain,andthistimeitwasmewhomoaned.Whenhisotherhandfoundtheedge

ofmyshirt,itwastopullitupandovermyhead.

Webrokeourkisstoletthefabricpassbetweenus.Iresistedtheurgetocovermyselfas

his gaze raked over me. And God was I thankful that Kelsey had insistedI wear some cute

lingerie.Thisparticularsetwasblackandwhitelace.

Whenhelookedatme,itwaswithsuchobviousdesirethatIknewhedidn’tcareabout

thatlittlepudgethathadstressedmeoutearlier.Hisrighthandkneadedmybreastgently,

whilehisleftfoundmyneck.Hepulledmyfaceclosetohis.Ithoughthewasgoingtokissme

again,butatthelastsecond,heswerved,andhepressedhischeekagainstmine.Hedroppeda

kiss on the edge of my jaw, just below my ear. And God did that feel amazing. It was just a

smallinnocentkiss,butithadmegrippinghishair,andpushingmyhipsdownagainsthis.His

lipsbrushedagainsttheshellofmyearashewhispered,“DidIsayridiculouslysexy?Imeant

unbelievablysexy.”

Iwasunbelievablyturnedon.

Hekissedmeagain,andthenturnedandlaidmebackagainstthebed.Hepausedtopull

hisshirtoverhishead,andforthe irsttimeIgottoseethehardplanesofhisbodythathad

fascinatedmeearlier.Heroseuponhisknees,mylegsstillsplayedoneithersideofhim.He

stoppedtostudymeagain.

ThiswasthepartwhereIshouldtellhim.Ishouldjustsayit.Justspititout.

I’mavirgin.

Justthreewords.

Notthathard,right?

Iswallowed,andclearedmythroat.

Thenheduckedhishead,andpressedhislipsagainsttheskinofmystomach,andallmy

thoughtsdisappeared.

Chapter Six

ItwaspossiblethatImightnotmakeittothesex.Withthewayhewasmappingoutmy

bodywithhislips—Iwasgoingtospontaneouslycombustbeforeweevergotthatfar.

His ingerstrailedupmythighsandstrokedtheskinofmyhipjustbelowthewaistband

ofmypanties.Somethinginmybraindetonated,andpanicfilledme.

Iwasgoingtobesoterribleatthis…theworsthe’deverhadprobably.Andthenhe’d

neverwanttoseemeagain(andIreallywantedtoseehimagain).I’dprobablybetraumatized

andneverwanttohavesexagain,whichmeanteveryrelationshipfortherestofmylifewould

fail,andIwouldendupaloneandmiserablewithninecatsandaferret.

Ididn’twanttoendupaloneandmiserablewithninecatsandaferret.

Thenoneofhishandspushedmypantiestotheside,andIwasanythingbutmiserable.

Blackdancedaroundtheedgesofmyvision,andallthefeelinginmybodyseemedto

narrowtothatonespotwherehewastouchingme,andholyheartfailure,itfeltamazing.His

ingershitaspotinsidemethathadmearchingupandtowardshim.Hisheaddipped,andhe

starteddroppingkissesacrossmychest.

Myhandshadamindoftheirownastheykneadedathisback,andthenslippedaround

tohisstomach,whereI lickedopenthebuttononhisjeans.Hemadeasoundinthebackof

histhroat,andhislipscrashedagainstmine.Hekissedmefiercely,pressingmedownintothe

mattress.Thekisseskeptbuilding—harderandfaster,andIneededsomethingmore.Islidmy

handalongthetaughtskinofhisstomach,tothefrontofhisjeans.Thenhislipsbrokefrom

mine with a groan. He didn’t pull back, butkept his lips millimeters from mine. His breath

cameoutinarush.

“OhGod,Bliss…”

Heplaceda inallingeringkissonmylips,andthenpulledbackuntilhewaskneeling

aboveme.Iheardthemetalclinkofhiszipper,andkeptmyeyesfocusedontheframeofhis

shouldersashefiddledwithhisclothes.Hestoodforafewseconds,andI ixedmyeyesonthe

ceiling.Iwantedthis.Badly.

I was about to repeat my mantra again when his lips and hands came back to me—

frenzied,almostdesperate.

Icouldfeelthepressurebuildinglowinmycore,andeverymuscleinmylegswaspulled

tightasIwaitedforwhatIknewwascoming.

Thenhedraggedmypantiesdownmylegs,andhisbodysettledintothecrookofmy

thighs,anditwaslikeI’djustbeensubmergedinice.

Iwasabouttohavesex.
WithaguyI’djustmet,whoIknewabsolutelynothingabout.

AndHeknewnothingaboutme…includingthefactthatIwasavirgin.

And God, I wanted to go through with it. I was sick of being a virgin, and he was

unbelievablysexy,butthiswasn’tme.

Icouldn’tdothis.Notwithhim.

Ijust…couldn’t.

Ifrozeupbeneathhim,buthismouthcontinuedworshippingatthejuncturebetween

myneckandshoulder.

IshouldhavetoldhimIwasavirginorthatIwasn’tready.Itwouldn’thavebeen pretty

oreasy,butatleasthewouldhaveunderstood…probably.

Instead, my eyes locked on the porcelain cat cookie jar I’d inherited from my great

grandmother,andmybraincreatedaridiculousexcuseoutofthe irstthingthatcametomy

mind.

“Stop!Cats!Stop…”

WhatthehellwasIsaying?

Iputtheheelsofmypalmsagainsthisshoulders,andpushedupslightly.

He pulled back, his eyes dark, his hair mussed, and his lips swollen from our kisses.I

almostchangedmymindthen.Helookedalmostirresistible.Almost.

“Sorry,love.Didyousaycats?”

“Yes,Ican’tdothis…rightnow.Because…Ihaveacat.Yes,IhaveacatthatI needto,um,

get?Takecareof!Ihavetotakecareofmycat!So…Ican’tdothis.“Igesturedbetweenus,

hopingtoGodthatIdidn’tsoundascrazytohimasIsoundedtomyself.Improbable.

Idon’tevenhaveacat!

Idon’tknowwhatsynapsesmisfiredinmybrain,butIwantedtokickmyself.Iwantedto

punchmyselfinthefaceuntilIlostconsciousness.Rightaboutnow,Icouldprobablydiveinto

apoolofhydrochloricacidwithoutevenapeptalk.

Hisbrainmusthavebeenascloudedasmine,becausehepausedforafewmoments,

processing,thenlookedaround.

“Idon’tseeacat.”

My throat was getting dry, the way it always did when I lied. I was a terrible liar(as

evidencedby,well,me).

“That’sbecause…it’snothere.Yes.ThecatthatIownisnotherebecause…Ihavetogo

gether.Iforgot,Iwassupposedtogopickherup.”

Heglancedattheclock,whichnowread12:20AM.
“You’resupposedtopickherupnow?”

Ipushedathimagain,andthistime,herolledoffofmeandtothesideeasily.Hewas

completely naked, and I was in my bra and skirt with my panties still hookedaround one

ankle.

“Yes…she’sattheVet!It’sa,um,24-hourVeterinarian…”

“A24-hourVeterinarian?”

“Uh, yeah. We have those here… in America. Totally.” That hydrochloric acid was

soundingincrediblyappealingrightnow.“AndIwassupposedtopickheruphoursago.”

“Youcan’tgobyinthemorning?”

Itriedtoslipmypantiesbackonmyotherfoot,andItoppledbackward,ass-plantingon

myhardwoodfloor.

“Jesus,Bliss!”

He hopped off the bed and knelt beside me, which only made me more lustered

consideringhewasstillnakedandstill,um,ready.

“I’m ine,promise.I’m ine.Ijust…ifIdon’tpickheruptonight,therewillbeafee,andI

can’taffordit.”

“Well,letmegetdressedandI’llgowithyou.”

“NO!Um,no,that’sokay.Shouldn’tyourlocksmithbecomingsoon?”I inishedwith a

smilethatIhopedsaid,thisisnobigdeal.I’msureitactuallylookedlikeI’macrazyperson,run

nowwhileyoucan!

Heglancedattheclock,hisgorgeousfacemarredbyafrown.

“Iguess,yeah.”

“Great.I’mjust---I’mjustgoingtorun.Youcan,um,letyourselfoutwheneveryou’re…”

my eyes wandered over his body again, and I felt like melting into a puddleof idiocy and

morti ication and arousal. “Whenever you’re, um, ready. Um, done. Um,just whenever you

like.”

Then I lew through the curtain that shielded my bedroom from the rest of the

apartment,andboltedoutthedoor,ignoringhimashecalledoutmyname.

Itwasn’tuntilI’dwalkedhalfwayacrosstheparkinglotthatIrealized:

1.Iwasn’twearingshoes.

A.Orashirt.

2.Ididn’tbringmykeys

A.Oranythingreally.

3.I’djustleftacompletestrangerinmyapartment.

A.Naked.
Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached

hadclearlynevermetthedisasterthatwasme.

Chapter Seven

Four.

That’s the number of people who saw me hiding around the corner from my own

apartmentinjustaskirtandabra.

Eleven.

That’sthenumberofantbitesIgotonmyshoelessfeet.

Twenty-seven.

That’sthenumberoftimesIwastemptedtodomyselfphysicalharmbecauseIaman

IDIOT.

One.

That’sthenumberoftimesItriednottocry,butfailed.

GarrickstayedinmyapartmentforagoodtenminutesafterIleft.Theentiretimemy

mind was like a ive-year-old who just drank a bathtub full of energy drinks. Whatwas he

doing in there? Was he just getting dressed reeeaaally slowly? Was he lookingthrough my

things?WashetrashingmyplacebecauseI’drunoutandlefthimtherelikethebiggestjerk

thissideofKanyeWestatthe2009VMA’s?

Whenhe inallyexited,Iwatchedhimclosemydoor,andthenpause.Helookedatthe

metalapartmentnumbernailedintothesiding,andjuststaredatitforawhile.Thenheshook

hishead,andstartedtowardhisownapartment.

IwaiteduntilIcouldn’tseehimanymore,andthenIwaitedforanother iveminutesjust

tobesafe(6moreantbites,1morepasserby,and4visionsofself-harmlater).

AssoonasIgotinside,Icurleduponmybed.ThesamebedwhereI’dalmosthadsex.

The same bed where I hadwantedto have sex… sort of. The same bed that had held an

incrediblysexy,incrediblynakedBritishboy.PerhapsIhadjustjumpedoffthecliffintoCrazy

town, but I couldswearthatthecomforterwasstillwarmwherehisbodyhadbeen.Likea

complete psycho,Ileanedmyfaceintothepillowandsniffedlikegirlsinbooksandmovies

alwaysdotoseeifIcouldstillcatchhisscent.

Icouldn’t.AndIfeltsupercreepy.

Ialsocouldn’tsleepinthisbedwithoutgoingcrazy.

Imovedmypillowtothecouch,whereIsatnumbly,probablyinshock.Attheveryleast,

Icouldreassuremyselfthatthiswasonlyaprivatehumiliation.Nooneelsehadtoknowhow

patheticIwas.Andaftermyborderlineschizophrenicdisplayearlier,Iwasprettysurehewas

going to avoid me as avidly as I planned on avoiding him.We might live in the same

apartmentcomplex,butifIhadmywaywe’dneverhavetoseeeachotheragain.

***

Morningcametooearly,andIwasstifffromsleepingonmycrappycouchfortheentire

night.Plus,myheadwaspoundinglikeIactuallyhadpunchedmyselfinthefacelikeI’dbeen

temptedtothenightbefore.

Stupidtequila.

Imovedsluggishly,draggingmyselfintoandoutoftheshoweratamuchslowerpace

thannormal.Myhairwasstillwetwhentherecameaknockonmydoor.Kelseypracticallyfell

ontopofmewhenIopenedthedoorbecauseshe’dbeentryingtopeekthroughthepeephole.

Silently,shesmiledandmouthed,“Ishestillhere?”

Isighedandsaid,“No,Kels,he’sgone.”Iturnedawayfromher,grabbingmyhead totry

tostoptheturningthatwashappeninginthere,too.Ileftthedooropen,and walked away,

knowingshe’dcomeinwhetherornotIissuedaninvitation.

“Someone’s a crabby camper this morning. What is it? Was it awful? Was he like…

miniscule?”

“Hewasnotminiscule!”NotthatIhadagreatdealtocompareitto,butIwaspretty

positivethatwasn’tthecase.

“Oh,soitwasjustbad?”

IshouldhavejusttoldherthatIhadn’tgonethroughwithit,butmyheadwaspounding,

andmystomachwaschurning,andIdidnotwanttobeforcedintogoingoutagaintonightfor

trynumbertwo.

SoIlied.

“Hewasfine.I’mjusthung-over.”

“Fine?FINE?Comeon,thatboywasgorgeous!Pleaseatleastpretendthatyoulikedit!”

“Ididlikeit!”Ifby‘it’weweretalkingaboutthesinglegreatestmakeoutsessionofmy

life.“Ilikedhim.”

ThosewordswereoutofmymouthbeforeIreallythoughtoftheconsequences.

“Ohno!”Kelseycried.“No,youdon’t!Iknowhewasyour irstandall,butthatdoesnot

mean you have to jump into insta-love. This was purely physical that’s it.If you try to do

somethingstupidlikemarrythisboy,Iwillpersonallydragyoukickingandscreamingaway

fromthealtar.”

“No!You’reright,ofcourse.”Ishruggedlikeitwasnobigdeal,butmythroatwas getting

dry,andIcouldfeeltheskinofmyneckandcheeksgettingred.Ihopedshewouldjustassume

I was embarrassed, because normally she could pick out my lieslike nobody’s business. “I

swearit’snotabigdeal.I’mnotinlovewithhim.I’mnotgoingtomarryhim.Infact,Ibarely

remembermostofit.”Andbybarelyremember,Imeanmostof itdidn’tactuallyhappen.The

restthough…thatwasimprintedonmybrain.Noteventhealmightytequilacouldtakethose
memoriesawayfromme.Ijustwishithadtakenthememoriesofhowitended.

“Well,thatsucks.Buteverythingwasokay,right?”

“Yeah,”Iforcedasmile,“Everythingisokay.”

Kelseyhuggedme,anditfeltlikeoneofthosemomentswhereweweresupposedtobe

bondingorconnectingorthinkingaboutthesamething,butsinceeverythingonmysidewas

a lie, I just hugged her back, and tried to pretend she was comfortingme about my

awkwardness.

“Alright,nowgetyourassingear.IfIdon’tgetcoffeebeforeclass,I’mgoing todie.My

sleepscheduleisstillofffromChristmasBreak,andIfeellikeafreakingzombie.”Zombiefor

Kelseymeantshewasata6ontheperkyscaleinsteadofa10.

IalwaysthoughtIwasanextrovertuntilIbecameatheatremajor.ThenIrealizedIjust

didn’t like silence. When there were plenty of other people around willingto be the

entertainingone,IfoundImuchpreferredjustobserving.

The Starbucks on campus was overrun with a zombie horde of other sleep-deprived

students.BythetimeIgotmycaramelmacchiatoIwasprettymuchalreadyawake,andwe

werede initely going to be late for the irst class of the last semester of our last yearof

college.

We booked it to the Fine Arts building, breezing past the hipster Art majors smoking

outside the doors. We jogged down the hallway to ind that sure enough, the doorsto the

smallblackboxtheatrewherewehadactingclasswerealreadyclosed.

“Shipoopi,”Kelseysaid.

Then… because we’re theatre majors… we broke into the song fromThe Music Man.

Becausesometimeslifejustneedsalittlemusic.(Butwediditquietlyandonfast-forward

becausewewerestilllateforclass).

Therewasnowaytoenterthistheatrewithoutmakingaridiculousamountofnoise.

Thedoorscreakedandslammednomatterwhatyoudid.Wepushedopenoneofthedoors

andimmediatelyheardEricBarnes,theheadofthedepartmentsay,“Late!”

Wecalledanautomatic,“SorryEric!”

Careful not to spill our coffees, we pushed through the curtains that surrounded the

edgeoftheroom,andgrabbedthenearestemptyseatsontherisers.

Isetmycoffeedownandwentaboutorganizingmystuff,diggingthroughmybagfora

penandmyfolder.

“As I was saying,” Eric continued. “Ben Jackson was supposed to be teaching this

course.”Benwasprettymuchourfavoriteteacher,buthe’dbeenofferedaroleinthiskiller

newshowoffBroadwayandwouldbetakingthesemesteroff.“Butasyouallknow,he’s in
New York for a few months. To replace him for the time being we have one of our most

talentedformerstudents—Mr.Taylor.”

I inallyfoundadullpencilinthebottomofmypurse.Itwouldhavetodo.Kelseychose

thatminutetograbmyelbowandjerkmetowardher.Iglancedupatherandthenatthefront

of the class where she was looking. Then the pencil I’d worked sohardto ind fell from my

hand,androlledaway,losttotheabyssundertherisers.

Thenewprofessorwasstaringatme,eventhougheveryonewasclapping,andheshould

probablybewavingorattheveryleastsmiling.Oureyesmet,andsuddenlyIwasverygladI’d

alreadysetdownmycoffee.

Becausethenewprofessorhadbeennakedinmybedamere8hoursago.

Garrickwasmyteacher.

Chapter Eight

Itfeltlikehourspassedbeforehelookedawayfromme.Whenhedid,thesmilehegave

theclasswasuneasy,andhetuggedabsent-mindedlyatthetiearoundhisneck.

“Thankyou,Eric.Butplease,everyone,callmeGarrick.”

IthinkIcouldactuallyfeelthehormonesreleasedintotheatmospherewhenthegirlsin

theroomheardhisaccent.IfeltKelseystaringatme,butI ixedmyeyesononeofthestage

lights hanging overhead, and tried to think my rapidly beating heartinto submission. This

wasbad.ThiswasSOBAD.

“LikeEricsaid,IdidmyUndergradhere,andthengraduatedthispastMaywithanMFA

inActingfromTempleUniversityinPhiladelphia.I’dbeenworkinginthetheatrescenethere

foraboutsixmonthswhenEriccalledandaskedifI’dbeinterestedinthetemporaryposition

here.”

Iglancedathimoutofthecornerofmyeye,simultaneouslyanticipatinganddreading

thethoughtofmakingeyecontactwithhim.Hewasnotlookingatme.Infact,hiswholebody

wasangledtowardthestudentsontheothersideoftheroom,prettymuchignoringtheentire

sectionwhereIwasseated.Otherthanthefactthathewaspointedlynotlookingatoneside

oftheroom,therewasnosignthathewasworriedorfrazzledinanyway;whereasIcouldfeel

theheatinmycheeksandmyhandswereshakingasIpressedthemintomyknees.

“Ilovedmyfouryearshere,andI’m,uh…”

He glanced at me, and I could do nothing but look back—wide eyed and petri ied. He

clearedhisthroatandreturnedhisgazetotheothersideoftheroom.

“I’mreallyexcitedtobeback.”

Iwantedtocrawlintoaholeanddie.

I wanted to crawl into a hole at the bottom of a ravine, then be buried under an

avalanche,andthendie.

Iwanted…tocry.

Ericexcusedhimselfthentoletusgettoknowournewteacher.IwishedIcouldexcuse

myselftoobecauseIhappenedtoalreadyknowhimplentywell.

“Well, then,” Garrick started. “I realize that I’m not that much older than you lot.”

Anotherflickofhiseyestomine.Itwasbecomingnearlyimpossibletoswallow.

“Butmygoalhereistoprovideyouwithsomeinsightintothenextstepinyourjourney

fromsomeonewhoisn’tsofarremoved.WeallloveEric,Ben,Kate,andtherestofthefaculty,

butlet’sfaceit,they’renotexactlytheyoungestkidsontheblock.”Thewholeclasslaughed.I

wastoobusyconcentratingonnotthrowingup.“Itwasadifferentworldwhentheystarted

theircareers.WhenIwassittingwhereyouare,wecalledthisclassSeniorPrep;Ithinknow

it’scalledtheBusinessofTheatre.Init,we’llbecoveringeverythingfromauditionstocareer
optionstoActor’sEquity.We’llalsospendsometimetalkingaboutthemoreabstractsideof

things. BecauseIhatetobreakittoyouguys,butthehardestpartaboutthisbusinessisn’t

landingrolesormakingendsmeet,thoughthatisdif icult.Thehardestthingiskeepingup

yourspiritandrememberingwhyyouchosethisinthefirstplace.”

Hedidn’thavetotrytohardtoscareusaboutourfutures.Wewereallalreadyoperating

onThreatLevelOrange.We’dbeenhavingmiddleofthenight,soul-searchingconversations

(whiledrunk,ofcourse)sincetheyearstarted.

“Now,ifyoudon’tmind.I’dliketohearabitaboutyouall.Whydon’tyoutell meyour

namesandwhatyou’reinterestedindoingafteryougraduate.”

There were about twenty in the class. The irst eight or so all recited their names

followedbytheobligatory,“I’mmovingtoNewYork.”

When you’re an actor, moving to New York is pretty much the dream. Those who are

luckycanactuallymakeittheplan.Someofushavetothinkalittlemorerealistically.

Cade,mybestfriendbesidesKelseysaid,“CadeWinston.AtthemomentI’malittletorn

between Grad School and just going straight into auditioning. I can’t reallytell if I actually

wanttogotoGradSchoolorifI’mjustscared.”

Garricksmiled,andeventhoughIwasfreakingout,Ismiled,too.Ifeltlikethatabouta

lotofthingsinmylife…notjustacting.

Hesaid,“Good.That’shonest,Cade.Andthemorehonestyoucanbewithyourselfthe

better.Hopesanddreamsaregreat,buttheyarealoteasiertobreakthanasolidplan.We’ll

seeifwecan’tfigureoutexactlywhatyouwantwhileyou’reinthisclass.”

Afterthat,itwaslikeeveryonefeltokaytosaywhatwewereactuallythinking,insteadof

whatwefeltwasexpectedofus.

Wespendsomuchtimedefendingourchoicetodothisthatitbecomeshardtoshow

any vulnerability at all. There’s only so many times you can handle someone askingabout

yourfallbackforwhenthingsdon’tworkbeforeyoustartthinkingthatmaybethefallback

shouldjustbeyourplan.

SometimesIwishIwereabitmorelikeKelsey.Shewaspracticallyfearless.Though,I

guessit’seasytobealittlefearlesswhenyourfamilyisloaded.

“KelseySummers.I’mtakingayearofftotravelandjustexplorebeforeIdecideonwhat

I’m doing. People always say that the most interesting actors are interestingpeople, so I

igureit’sagoodinvestmenttospendsometimebecomingmorefascinatingthanIalready

am.”

“Diva,”Imutteredundermybreath.

Shenarrowedhereyes,anddeliveredaquickpinchtothebackofmyarminresponse.I

yelped,andnearlytoppledoutofmyseatatthesametimethatGarrickturnedhiseyesonme

andsaid,“Andyou?”

Rubbingatmyarm,IhadtolookawayfromhiseyesbeforeIcouldanswer.

“BlissEdwards.I’malittletornbetweenactingandstagemanagement.Andsincethey

don’treallyofferMastersprogramswhereyoucandoboth,IthinkI’lljustgoaheadandenter

the,um,jobmarketorwhatever.”

Ilookedbackathim,buthiseyeshadalreadymovedontoDom,whowassittingone

rowaboveme.

Iclosedmyeyesandtookadeepbreath.Kelsey’shandfoundmine,andshesqueezed.

Ittookanothertwentyminutesto inishupintroductionsbecause,well,we’retheatre

people.Welovetohearourselvestalk.

Withonly iveminutesleftinclassGarricksaid,“Great.Itsoundslikeyou’veallatleast

givenathoughttothenextstep.WednesdayIwantyoualltocometoclasswithyourrésumé

andheadshotsandbereadytoaudition.”

“Forwhat?”Domasked.“It’sthe irstweekofclass.Therearen’tanyauditionsforafew

weeks.”Domlovedtohearhimselfspeakmorethanmost.

“Itdoesn’tmatter.”Garrickanswered.“Intherealworld,youmightgototenauditionsin

aday.Youmighthaveweekstoprepareoryoumighthaveanhour.Yourjobisonly actingif

youlandthepart,untilthenyourjobisauditioning,soyoubetterbegoodatit.Dismissed.See

youallonWednesday.”

Hegrinned.Itwasn’tquiteasawe-inspiringasthegrinsheworelastnight,butitwas

stillenoughtomakemystepsstutteronmywaydowntherisers.

Iwasatthecurtains,ameretenfeetawayfromthedoorwhenIheard,“MissEdwards,

canIspeaktoyouforamoment?”

Kelsey’sfacewascaughtsomewherebetweenpityandglee.Forthe irsttimeintwelve

hoursIwantedtopunchsomeonebesidesmyself.

“Lunchatnoon?”Sheasked.Inodded,eventhoughIwasn’tsureIwouldsurviveuntil

noon.Hell,Iwasn’tevensureIcouldstomachgoingtomynextclass.

Itookmytimewalkingtowardhim,waitingfortherestoftheclasstoclear.Domwas

currentlybombardingGarrickwithquestions,soItookasecondtodistractmyselfwithCade.

WhereKelseywasthefriendwhodraggedmeouttobarsandencouragedstupidbehavior,

Cadewasthefriendwhoalwaysknewtherightthingtosay.

Hisfirstwords—“Onascaleofonetobitchy,howhung-overareyou?”

Iraisedthecornerofmymouthinasmile.ThatwasallIcouldmanageinmyvortexof

emotions,butitwasasmileallthesame.“Depends…rightnow?Asolidseven.IfDomtriesto

talktome…we’regoingtoneedabiggerscale.”

Helaughed,andsomethingmademewonderhowlastnightwouldhavegoneifI’dtold

himmysecretinsteadofKelsey.SomehowIdoubtthingswouldhaveturnedoutthesame.

“Igottarun.Poli-Sci.”Hemadeaface,andIconcurred,gladI’dgottenthatout oftheway

lastyear.“Let’sdosomethingtonight,k?”

“Sure.”ThistimeIdidsmile,becauseCadewasgreatfordistractions,andthatwasmost

definitelywhatIneededrightthen.

Hepeckedmeonthecheek,andthenwentonhisway.

IturnedtowardGarrickto indhimwatchingme,hiseyesdarkandnarrowed.Domwas

longgone.Hemusthavegoneoutthedoorsontheotherside.Westoodthereawkwardlyfor

severalseconds.Hishandswereshovedinhispockets,andminewere idgetingwiththebag

slungacrossmyshoulders.

Finally,heclearedhisthroat.

“How’syourleg?”

Iswallowed,andlookeddownatmylegs.I’dwornaskirttodaytokeepituncovered.I

tiltedmylegsohecouldseethebandage.“Good.Ire-bandageditthismorning.It’sblistered,

butasfarasIcantell,orwellaccordingtotheInternet,that’snormal.”

Ilookedback,buthiseyeswerestillonmylegs.

Istiffened.God,thiswassoawkward.

Heclearedhisthroatagain.

“So…you’reincollege.”

“So…you’renot.”

Hestayedstillforanothersecond,thenturnedtothesideabruptly,pacingseveralfeet

awayfromme,andthenback.Hisfingerspushedthroughhishairinfrustration,andallIcould

thinkaboutwasmyownfingersinhishair,andhowincrediblysoftithadbeen.

“Ithought—“Hestarted.“Well,Iwasn’tdoingmuchthinkingatall.But,youdon’t look

likeyou’reincollege.IsaidIwenttoschoolhere,andthatI’djustmovedback,andyousaid
‘Metoo’soIjustassumedyouhaddonethesame.”

Ikepthavingthisirrationalneedtoblink.Iwasn’tcryingoranything,butIjustcouldn’t

stop. I said, “I lived in Texas when I was really young. I meant that I movedback here for

school.”

He nodded once, and then kept nodding. So, he was nodding and I was blinking and

neitherofuswassayingwhatreallyneededtobesaid.

AndsinceIcouldn’tstandsilence,Iwasthefirsttobreak.

“I won’t tell anyone.” His eyebrows raised, but I couldn’t tell if it was surprise or

judgment or just a facial tick. “I mean not that there’s anything… not that we…I mean we

didn’tactually…um,makethebeastwithtwobacksandallthat.”

OH.MY.GOD.

KILLMENOWKILLMENOWKILLMENOWKILLMENOOOOOOW.

Thebeastwithtwobacks?Seriously?

I’m22-years-old,andratherthanjustspittingoutthewordsex,IusedaShakespeare

reference!AreallyembarrassingShakespearereference.

Andhewassmiling!Andhissmiledidfunnythingstomyinsidesthathadmethinking

aboutlastnight,whichwastotallynotsomethingIneededtobethinkingaboutrightnow.No

beasts.Nobacks.Nolastnight.

I looked away, trying to keep it together. I took a deep breath, and said as calmly as I

could.“Thisdoesn’thavetobeabigdeal.”

Hetookamomenttoanswer,andIwonderedifhewaswaitingformetolookathim.If

hewas,he’dbewaitingforawhile.

“You’reright.We’rebothadults.Wecanjustforgetithappened.”

TherewasnowayIcouldforgetithappened.ButIcouldpretend.

Icouldact.

“Right,”Inodded.

Iturnedtoleave,buthisvoicestoppedme.

“How’syourcat?”

“Whatcat?Oh!MYCAT. Thecat…thatismine.Oh,she’s...”Ihadsaiditwasashe,right?

“She’sfine.Allmeowingandpurringandothercatthings.”

God,whydidthedoorhavetobesofaraway?

Ikeptwalkingaway,callingbackmylastfewwordsovermyshoulders.

“I’vegottogettoclass.I’llseeyouWednesdayIguess,okay,bye!”

I speed-walked out the door, down the hallway into the art wing, past the ceramics

classroom,andintothehandicapbathroomthatnooneeverused.ThenIsunkdowntomy

knees(onaBATHROOMFLOOR.Clearly,Iwasdistraughtbecause…GROSS).

Ifocusedonnothyperventilating.OnlyIcouldhaveanaffairwithateacheronaccident.I

knewonethingforsure.TherewasnowayinhellIwasgoingtomynextclass.

Chapter Nine

“Isweartherewassomuchawkwardintheair,itfeltpracticallysolid.”

MyfacewaspressedagainstthetableinthestudentloungewhileKelseytriedtoplyme

withfrenchfriesandotherwonderfulcarbohydrates.

She patted at my back half-heartedly. There was nothing even remotely mothering

aboutKelsey,butatleastshewastrying.“You’reexaggerating,Bliss.TheonlythingI feltin

the air was sexual tension. I mean, he didn’t look at you often, but whenhe did… Hello!

Swoon!”

“ThereisnowayIcansurviveasemesterinthatclass.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re an actor. Actors sleep with each other all the time, and then

moveon.Hell—don’tyourememberFreshmanyearwhenyoudidn’twanttomakeoutwith

Dom in that scene, and Eric sent you in the other room and told you to kiss untilyou guys

werecomfortablewitheachother?”

“Whywouldyoubringupwhatis,asoftoday,thesecondmostmortifyingmomentof

mylife?”

Sherolledhereyes.“Becauseyougotoverit.”

“I will never get over having Dom’s tongue down my throat. I can still taste the

douchiness.”

“Youwillbe ine,Bliss.It’s ivemonths.Andyouonlyhavetoseehimfor3hoursaweek.

Itwillbeoverbeforeyouknowit.Thenyoucanjumphisbonesonemoretimebefore you

traveltheworldwithme.”

“There are so many crazy things in that statement that I don’t even know where to

begin.”

“Youwillbeginbyeating,orwe’llbelateforDirecting.”

Grumbling,Ishovedafewfriesinmymouthtoappeaseher.

She rummaged around in her purse for her phone, but her hands closed around

somethingelse.“Oh,Iforgot.Ihaveadvil…youwantsome?”

Iswallowedandsaid,“WhywouldIwantthat?”

Shequirkedherheadtotheside,“Aren’tyousoreafter…youknow…gettingyourfreak

on?”

StupidBliss.Sofreakingstupid.

“Oh!Oh,right.No,noI’mfine.Itookabunchthismorning.I’mgood,thanks.”

“Thatagirl.”

Imovedthroughtherestofthedayonautopilot,readytogethomeandcrawlintothe

cocoonofforgettingthatissleep.Ididn’tevenbothertakingoffmyclothesbeforeIfellinto

bed.

Myphonewokemeafewhourslater.ItwasCade.

“Heybabe—youreadytohangout?”

IpeeredblearilyattheclockPM.Itwasonly7o’clock.

Iyawned.“Yeah…sure.Whatdidyouhaveinmind?”

“Well,Iwasthinking—“

“Nodrinking,”Icuthimoff.“Icannothandleanydrinking.”

Helaughed.“Nohairofthedogforyou?Fine…Lindsay’splayingtonightatGrind.How

doescoffeesound?”

Iyawnedagain.Lindsaywasafellowtheatremajor.Anightlisteningtohermusicwould

besimpleandmellow.ExactlywhatIneeded.“Coffeesoundsperfect.”

WhenIwalkedoutside20minuteslater,myheadswungfromsidetoside,paranoidthat

I’drunintoGarrick.WhenIwascertainnoonewasaround,Ijoggedintotheparkinglotand

climbedintoCade’sbeatupoldHonda.

He greeted me with a smile. I resisted the urge to glance back in the direction of

Garrick’sapartment.

“Iforgottomentionearlierthatyoulookedgreattoday.Imean,minusthatlovelyhung-

overquality.Youneverwearskirtstoclass.”

Iwantedtosay,‘Justdrivealready!’Butthatwouldhavesoundedcrazyevenforme.SoI

answered,“Oh,Iburnedmyleg,andI’mnotsupposedtoweartightclothingoverit.”

“Seriously?”Heasked.“Whathappened?”

I couldn’t exactly tell him the real reason. Because then he’d want to know whose

motorcycleithadbeenandwhyIhadbeenwiththemandyadda,yadda.

“Oh,Iburneditwithmystraightener.”

“Youburnedyourlegwithyourstraightener?Howlongisyourleghair?”

You’d think after all the lying I’d done in the past twenty-four hours that I wouldbe

gettingslightlybetteratit.Youwouldbewrong.

“Ha-Ha.Sofunny!”Igrimaced.“Iknockeditoffthecounter,youpunk,andithitmyleg.”

I iddledwiththeair-conditioningventeventhoughitbarelyworkedinhispieceofjunk

car.

“Justdon’tdropyourcoffeeonyourself.Orbetteryet…geticedcoffee.”

Isaid,“Aye,ayecaptain."

Grindwasacutelittlehouseontheedgeofcampusthathadbeenturnedintoacoffee

houseafewyearsago.Insideyouorderedcoffee,andoutsidetherewasaverandawherethey

hostedlivemusiconmostnights.Theinsidewaspacked.IsentCadeoutsideto indseats,and

toldhimI’dgetthedrinks.IgotanicedcafémochaformeandasmoothieforCade.Hedoesn’t
evenlikecoffee,buthecomeshereforme.

Istoodinlinefor10or15minutes,sobythetimeIheadedoutside,Ihadnoideawhere

Cadewas.Istrolledpastthetables,noddingatpeopleIknew,avoidingeyecontactwiththose

Ididn’t.IcaughtLindsay’seyeuponstageasshewassettingup,andshegrinned.

Finally I spotted Cade standing by a table up near the front. It was an awesome spot

consideringhowpackedthisplacewas.

Icameupbehindhim,andnudgedmyelbowintohisback.

“Jesus,Cade,IthoughtI’dneverfindyououthere.Couldn’tyouhaveatleasttexted?”

Cadeglancedoverhisshoulderatme,thenwrappedhisarmaroundmyshoulder,and

tookthesmoothiefrommylefthand.

“Sorry,babe,Iwastalkingandgotdistracted.Lookwhoitis!”

Hepulledmeforward,andtherewasGarrick.

This time, I wasn’t lucky enough to have already put down my coffee. So when I saw

Garrick,itslippedoutofmyhand,andsplashedallovermyfeet.

Cade,withhissuperfastreflexes,narrowlydodgedgettingitalloverhisToms.

“Holycrap,Bliss.Iwasjokingabouttheicedcoffee,butI’mgladyoulistened.Iswearyou

didn’tusedtobethisclumsy.”

Istillcouldn’tspeak.Myfeetwerecoldandsticky.Andmyfacefeltwaytoohot.

“Here,”Cadesaid.“Sitdown,Mr.Taylorsaidwecouldsharehistable.”

“It’sGarrick,Cade.”I’msurehe’dtoldCadethathalfadozentimesalready.

Cadeignoredhimandturnedtome.“I’llruninsideandgetyousomenapkins.Youwant

anotherdrink?”

“No,no.I’mgood,Cade.Youstay.I’llgocleanup.”

“Forget it. You like Lindsay’s music much more than I do. All ‘be the change’ and ‘girl

power’ stuff. I don’t want you to miss it. Sit.” This time, his hands pushed down on my

shouldersuntilmybutthittheseat.Thenhewasoff,andIwasleftalonewithGarrickagain.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Myquestioncameoutangry.

Bycomparison,hewassweetandcalm,andpossiblyalittlesad.“MyInternetstillisn’t

hookedupattheapartment,andIneededtocheckmyemail.Icango,ifyou’dlike.”

YES.

“No,”Isighed.“I’mnotgoingtorunyouoff.Ijustwishyouhadn’tinvitedusto sitwith

you.”

“Well,Cadedidn’tsayhewasherewithyou.Iwasjusttryingtobenice.”

“I’msorry…Ijust…thisisawkward.Cadedoesn’tknow—“
“—I’mnotgoingtotellhim,ifthat’swhatyou’reworriedabout.I’dliketokeepthisjob,

andbesides,yourpersonallifeisnoneofmybusiness.Whathappenedbetweenusisover.”

Hisvoiceturnedhardashespoke.Over?Whydidthatfeellikeapunchtothestomach?

Histeethwereclenched,drawingmyeyestostrong,smoothlineofhisjaw.

“Youshaved,”Isaid.Clearly…nofilter.

Hisjawunclenched,andhelookedatmeinconfusion.“Uh,yes,Idid.”

We sat in silence, and I just couldn’t get myself to stop looking at him. His eyeswere

oceanwaterblue,andwithoutthescruffhelookedyounger,lessruggedsexyandmoreboy-

next-doorhotness.

Hiseyesdroppedtomylips,andIrealizedIwasbitingdownonthebottomone.God,I

wantedtokisshimagain.

Isprungupfrommyseat,“Thiswasabadidea.I’mgoingtogo.TellCadeIgotsickor

something.”

Hestood,too.“No,Bliss,wait.I’msorry.Don’tleave.I’ll…Shit,Idon’tknow whatI’lldo.

I’lljustsitherequietly,andyoutwocanignoremecompletely.Ipromise.”

Atthatmoment,Lindsaysteppedbackupontothesmallmakeshiftstage,andthelights

cameon,andpeopleclapped.

IfIweregoingtoleave,Ineededtodoitnow.IfIgotupinthemiddleoftheset,Lindsay

wouldseeandshe’dbepissed.

Soagainstmybetterjudgment,Isatbackdown.

Garrickkepthispromise,andkepthiseyesgluedtohisscreen.IsatquietlyasLindsay

didhersoundcheck,myneckstrainedtightlytoresistlookingathim.

CadearrivedbackrightasLindsaywasintroducingherself.

“Hey.”Hewhispered.“Randywasbusing,andheletmeborrowatowel.I iguredthis

wouldbebetterthanabunchofnapkins.”

Thenheliftedoneofmystickyfeetintohislap,removedmyshoe,andstartedwiping

downmylegwiththedamptowel.Igiggledwhenhepassedaparticularlyticklishsection.

IheardGarrickstoptyping.
Oninstinctalone,Ilookedathim,buthewaslookingatCade…andatmylegs.Icleared

mythroat,andpulledmyfootback.ItookthetowelfromCadeandsaid,“Thanks,IthinkIcan

getthis.Idon’ttrustyounottotickleme.”

Garrick went back to his computer, Cade focused on Lindsay, and I ducked my head

downtogetacloserlookatmyfeet.WhenIwassuretheyweren’tlooking,Iclenchedbyeyes

shutandletoutasilentscream.Arealscreamwouldhavefeltbetter,butIwouldtakewhatI
couldget.

IrecognizedLindsay’s irstfewsongs,havingheardherplayseveraltimesbefore,both

on the stage and just in the greenroom during rehearsal and between classes.She had this

great,raw,acousticsound,andherlyricswerealwayssomekindofsocialcommentary,calling

peopleontheirbullshit.Whichiswhywhensheleanedintothemikeandintroducedhernext

song,Iwassoincrediblysurprised.

“Thisnextoneisalittlebitdifferentforme.Thelovelyownerofthisestablishment,”She

pointed off to the side. “Wave Kenny.” He looked under duress, but he waved. “Anyway…

KennymadearequestthatIplayatleastonesongthatwasn’t…howdidyouputit,Kenny?

BitterorPolitical,Ibelieveiswhathesaid.Andsince,I’mincapableofwritinganythinglike

that, I’m singing a song written by a friend of mine who wishesto remain anonymous. It’s

calledResist.”

Thesongopenedgently,withasimpleprogressionofcords,similartoLindsay’snormal

sound. Then it turned, became mournful, passionate, almost desperate. She sang… andI

wishedIhadleftwhenIhadthechance.

Nomatterhowclose,youarealwaystoofar

Myeyesaredrawneverywhereyouare

The quiet conversations that had been happening before stopped. It was such a

dramaticchangethatalleyesfixedonher.ButIcouldswearthatIfeltonepairofeyesonme.

I’mtiredofthewaywebothpretend

Tiredofalwayswantingandnevergivingin

Icanfeelitinmyskin,seeitinyourgrin

We’remore.Wealwayshavebeen.

Thinkofeverythingwe’vemissed.

Everytouchandeverykiss.

Becausewebothinsist.

Resist.

Hisgazewasthisphysicalweightpressingagainstmyskin.Myheartthuddedquicklyin

mychest,andmybreathscameshorter.Ididn’twanttoresist.Icouldn’thelpit.Ilooked.

Holdyourbreathandcloseyoureyes

Distractyourselfwithotherguys

It’snosurprise,yourdefeatedsighs

Aren’tyoutiredofthelies?

Buthewasn’tlookingatme.Hewasn’ttyping,buthiseyeswere ixedonhiscomputer,

andheseemed…unaware.Wasitjustme?WasIimaginingitall?

Thinkofeverythingwe’vemissed.

Everytouchandeverykiss.

Becausewebothinsist.

Resist.

Nomatterhowclose,youarealwaystoofar

Myeyesaredrawneverywhereyouare

Suddenly,Ididn’twanttobehereanymore.Icouldn’tbethisclosetohim.Iwas goingto

gocrazy.Itwasstupid…evenmorestupidthanhavingaone-nightstandwouldhavebeen,but

Ilikedhim.Hedidn’tlikeShakespeare,andherodeamotorcycle,andhewasmyteacher… but

Ilikedhim.

I’mdone.Iwon’tignore.

Iwon’tpretendorresist.

Iwantmore.

Chapter Ten

Lindsay inished out the last few chords, then stuck her tongue out and said, “Blech.

Happy,Kenny?”

Cadelaughedandgavealoudwhoop!Thecrowdstartedclappingandwhistling.Itried

toraisemyhandstojoin,buttheywerelikeleadinmylap.

IlookedatGarrick,andthistimehewaslookingatme.Hiseyesweredark,andwhenwe

connected,hemadenoefforttolookaway.MaybeIhadn’tbeenimagininghisstare earlier.

We watched each other as the clapping died down, and for the irst time inmy entire life I

reallyunderstoodthat “heart beating out of your chest” thing because it felt like there was

somethinginsideofme,desperatetogetout.

BeforeIwentcrazy,Irippedmyeyesaway,stood,andpulledCadeupbyhiselbow.

“Hey,what’sup?”Hewassogoodatreadingme,andIwatchedashiseyeswentfrom

amusedtoconcerned.“Everythingokay?”

“Yeah,ofcourse.I’mjusttired.Canyoutakemehome?”

“Sure,ofcourse.”Hepressedahandtomycheeklikehewasmymothercheckingmy

temperature.Hebarelytookhiseyesoffmeashesaid,“Thanksforlettingusshareyourtable,

Mr.Taylor.SeeyouWednesday.”

“It’sGarrick,Cade,please.Youtwohaveagoodnight.”

GarricklookedonlyatCadeashespoke,whichwasprobablyforthebest.Withanarm

wrapped around my shoulder, I let my friend lead me out an archway on the sideof the

propertythatledtotheparkinglot.

I’d never been so glad to climb into a rusty car that smelled faintly of oil and cheese.

Cadeclimbedinbesideme.“Yousureyou’reokay?”

“Yeah,Ipromise,I’mjusttired.”

“Okay.”Hedidn’tlookconvinced.“Let’sgetyouhomethen”

Heturnedthekey,andnothinghappened.Noengine,nolights,nothing.

“Aww…shit.”

“What?”Iasked.“Whatdoesthatmean?”

“Itmeansmycarisapieceofcrap.”

He turned the key again, and when nothing happened he slammed a palm into the

steeringwheel.Ipulledmylegsupintotheseatandlaidmyheadagainstmyknees.

“Holdonasec.”Cadeclimbedoutofthecar,andpoppedthehood.Istayedcurled upin

my seat trying to mentally erase the last 24 hours from my brain. Somewherebetween

analyzingeverylookGarrickhadgivenmetonightandplanningoutwhatIwouldsayandhow

Iwouldactinournextclass,Imusthavefallenasleep.

ThenextthingIknew,Cadewasshakingmeawake,andthecarwasde initelystillnot

on.

Irubbedatmyeyes,andclimbedfromthecar.

“Sorry,IguessIwasevenmoretiredthanIthought.”

“Listen,wecan’tgetthecarstarted,andwe’vetriedeverythingwecanthinkof.”

My brain didn’t register the “we” until the hood started lowering, and Cade was still

standingbesideme.

Andofcourse,therewasGarrickagain.Becausetheworldjustcouldn’tmakeanything

easieronme.

“Weeventriedjump-startingitusingMr.Taylor’sbike.”

“Itoldyou,it’sGarrick,Cade.”

“Yeah,yeah,Iknow.Soanyway,sinceIdon’tlivefaraway…”

Ohlord.No.Pleaseno.CadewasanRAinoneofthedorms,whichmeanthecouldwalk

home.I,ontheotherhand,livedafewmilesfromcampus.

“IaskedMr.Taylor,andhesaidhecouldgiveyouaridehome.Turnsoutyouguys even

liveinthesameapartmentcomplex.”

“Youdon’tsay.”Itriedtoturnmygrittedteethintoasmile.“That’sniceofhim, butIcan

justcallKelseytocomegetme.It’snobigdeal.”

“But y’all are going to the same place…” Cade’s confusion was endearing, but I sortof

wantedtokickhimintheshins.

“Yeah,but—“

“Bliss,”Garrickinterrupted.God,Iwouldnevergettiredofhearinghimsaymynameis

his delicious accent. “It’s ine. Really. I don’t mind, and I’ll have you home in no time. I

promise.”

Hewaslookingatmelikethiswasthemostcasualthingintheworld.Likehavingmy

armswrappedaroundhimashedrovewouldbetotallyokay.LikeIdidn’tstill haveabandage

onmylegfromthelasttimeI’dbeenonthatbike.

Cadeyawned.HelookedastiredasIfelt.IknewifIpushedtheissue,andwantedtowait

forKelsey,hewouldwaitwithme.

Irubbedatmyeyes,andtookadeepbreath.

Itwasn’tdeepenough.

“Okay,fine.Thanks…Mr.Taylor.AndI’llseeyoutomorrow,Cade.”

Cadesmiled,oblivioustomytorment,andsaid,“Great!”

Heplacedaquickkissonmyforehead,saidgoodnighttousboth,andthenjoggedacross

theroadandontocampus.

Ididn’tevenbotherwiththecalmingbreaththistime.Iknewitwouldn’thelp.Isetmy

shoulders,andturnedtofacehim.

Hewatchedmeforasecond,frowning,andthensaid,“Youcannotcallme,Mr.Taylor.”

Despitethetensionbetweenus,Ilaughed.Itreallywasridiculous…considering.“Okay…

Garrick.”

Therewasnogoodwaytodothis,sohejusthandedmethehelmet,andclimbedonthe

bike.Hedidn’thavetotellmetobecautiousoftheexhaustpipeasIgotonthebike,buthedid

anyway.

Tonighthehadonalightjacketbecauseacoldfront(orwell…ascoldasitgotinTexas)

had just come through. I held onto the jacket instead of him. The ride waseven scarier

without something more solid to hold on to, but I refused to wrap myarms around him.

MostlybecauseIwasn’tsureIwouldhavethewillpowertounwrapthemifIdid.

Whenwearrived,Iwasoffthebikeinseconds.IthinkIsaidgoodbye.Honestly,Iwasso

panicked that I just bolted. And he let me. When I slipped inside my apartment,I risked a

glanceback.Hewasstillonthebike,andafterasecond,hestarteditbackup,andtookoff.I

watchedhimgo,battlingcrazyurgestofollowhim.

NomatterwhatIwasfeeling…therecouldn’tbeanythingbetweenus.

***

Wednesday,Iwaitedinthegreenroomuntiltheverylastminute,sothattheclass would

alreadybefullbythetimeIgotthere.Ihadmyheadshotandresumewithmeasassigned,and

ItookaseatwithCadewayofftotheside,sothattherewereaboutadozenpeoplebetween

GarrickandI.

Aboutaminuteafternine,Garrickcalledtheclasstoorder.

“Alright,then.LikeIsaidMonday—we’renotwastinganytime.We’rejumpinginto the

thick of things. Today, you’re doing mock auditions using cold readings from A Streetcar

NamedDesirebyTennesseeWilliams.Ifyouhaven’treadit,youshouldbequestioningyour

majorrightaboutnow.I’vesplityouintopairs.Thoseassignmentsalongwiththesideyou’ll

be reading are on the table to my left. I’ll send you outside and you’ll haveten minutes to

preparebeforeIcallinthe irstgroup.You’llnotethatthesceneI’vechosenfromtheplayis
thesceneleadinguptotheclimacticmomentwhereStanleyrapesBlanche,hiswife’ssister.”

“Dude,herapesher?”ThatwouldbeDom,obviouslyoneofthoseonesthatshouldbe

reconsideringhismajor.

“Yes,Dom.Nowthedif icultyofauditionsisthatyouoftenmustdepictclimacticscenes

withoutthebene itofhavinganentireperformancetobuildtothatpoint.You’regoinginto

thisemotionallyblind.Themomentsbeforeyouauditionareextremelyimportant.Youhave
tenminutestofindaconnectionwithyourpartnerandwithyourcharacter.Goodluck!”

He stepped to the side, and it was like Black Friday at Walmart as actors rushed the

table,tryingtograbasideand indouttheirpartner.Iwasn’treallyfeelingup tojumpinginto

themob,butKelseygrabbedmebytheelbowanddidn’tgivememuchchoice.

Igrabbedtheside,recognizingthescene.Garrickwasn’tkiddingaboutstartingrightat

theclimax.Blancheisprettymuchbat-shitcrazyalready.Iglancedattheassignmentsheet

andwouldn’tyouknowit…IwaspairedwithDom.

Ipressedahandtomyforehead,adullthrobbingbeginningjustovermylefteye.Dom

swunganarmovermyshoulderamomentlater.

“WhatdoyouknowBlissful,we’retogetheragain.”

Ishruggedoffhisarmandheadedtowardthedoor.“Let’sgetthisoverwith,Dominic.”

WhenIexitedthetheatre,pairswerealreadycampedoutinvariousplacesthroughout

the hallway. The only spot left was directly in front of the theatre doors, whichwas almost

guaranteed to make us the irst group picked. That meant we’d have lesspreparation than

everyoneelse.ThethoughtmademefeellikeIwasgoingtobreakoutintohives,butclearly

theworldwasagainstmetoday.Whatever,atleastI’dbedonewithclassearly.

“Alright,Dom,let’sseewhatwe’vegot.”

IspentmostofthetenminutesexplainingtheplayandthescenetoDom.Hewasoneof

thoseguysthathadagoodlookandwasprettygoodatplayingtheover-con identdouchebag

(mainlybecausehewasanover-confidentdouchebag),butthatwasaboutit.

“So,myguyisdrunk,right?”

“Yes,Dom.”

“Sweet.Andyou’recrazy?”

Isighed.“Well,sortof.I’malittledelusional,andyoudestroythosedelusions.”

“Great.ThenIattackyou.”

Irolledmyeyes.Whatwasthepoint?

“Yes,sure.Anyway,I’mgoingtoopensittinginthechair,andyou’llenterfrom stageleft,

okay?Ican’timaginehimmakingusdothewholescenebecauseit’skindoflong.”

AndthatwasallwehadtimeforbecausethedooropenedandGarrick’seyesfellonme.

“Bliss,Dom,youready?”

Dompulledmetomyfeetagainstmywill,andsaid,“Surething,Garrick.”

ReadywastheexactoppositeofhowIfelt.Ihatedbeingunprepared.

Garrick took our headshots and résumés and looked over them in silence for about a

minute.Igrabbedachairandmovedittothecenteroftheroomandtookaseat.Ifoldedmy

auditionsidesothatthepaperwasn’ttoobigandunwieldy.Hehadus introduceourselvesas
ifwe’dnevermethim,andthenhegaveuspermissiontobegin.

The scene opened with Blanche dressed in all her inest clothes (including a tiara)

talkingtoimaginarysuitorsatanimaginaryparty.

Ittookmeafewsecondstogetintothescenebecausemyownfeelingsofdreadand

uneaseweresocontrarytoBlanche’sblissfulignorance.ButonceIgotthere,itwaseasyto

block out the room around me and lose myself in her laughter and her dreamsand her

delusions. When Dom swaggered into the space, I had to admit, he made a greatStanley.

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about the play, he exuded Stanley’s charisma,his

absolutedisregardforBlanche.

I used my unease about the situation with Garrick, letting it seep in and directingit

towardsDom.Afteranotherhalfapage,Garrickstoppedus.

“Good,good.Bliss,youstartedalittleunsure,butyouweredeadonbytheend.Dom,I

thinkyou’vegotareallygoodgrasponStanley.”Iresistedtheurgetoroll myeyes.“But…I’m

notfeelingasmuchconnectiononyoursideasIamwithBliss.She’sawareofyouatalltimes,

adjustinghermovementstoyourmovements.Ineedtoseeyoureactingalittlebitmore.Let’s

skip forward to right before you re-enterfrom the bathroom. Start with Blanche calling

WesternUnion,andlet’sseeifwecan’treallyconcentrateonconnectingwitheachother.”

I nodded, moving to the opposite side of the space where I had planned to put the

imaginary telephone. He’d chosen possibly the hardest part for me to start at. Weskipped

rightoverthepartwhereStanleytearsdowntheniceperfectworldI’ddreamedformyself,

andIhadtoconveythesamefearandparanoiaanyway.

Iclosedmyeyesandtookadeepbreath.

Fear. Paranoia. How I would feel if someone found out about Garrick and me. Or if he

foundoutIwasavirgin.Hell…howIfeltrightbeforeIstoppedusfromhavingsex.Thatwas

fearandparanoiaatitsfinest.

Feeling a little more con ident, I opened my eyes and pantomimed grabbing the

telephone.SinceIstillhadtoholdmyscript,Ihadtoforegopantomimingtheearpieceand

justpretendtotalkintothereceiver.Igaspedintothephone,askingforanoperator.

The fear felt so real that tears pressed at my eyes without any effort on my part.I

babbledon,panicrisingupandchokingmywords.

Myvoicebrokeovermycallsforhelp.Thefeelingofbeingtrappedcametooeasily.It

wassuffocating.

IheardDomwalkupbehindme,andIfroze.Ibackedaway,andhesteppedbetweenthe

imaginarydoorandme.Heleeredatme,andIdidn’thavetopretendtherevulsionIfelt.

Itriedtoleave,andhesteppedinmyway.Iaskedhimtoletmepass,buthestayedput.

Laughing,hestartedslinkingtowardsme,andIfeltthethumpofmyheartjumpslightly.

Islippedoutofcharacterjustlongenoughtothinkthatweweredoingareallygoodjob.

FarbetterthanIhadthoughtwewould.ThenDom’sgrinningfaceenteredmyvisionandIwas

rightbackinit.

Itriedto leefromhim,buthekeptcoming,stilllaughing.Thenhishandsclosedaround

myforearms,pullingmeupandagainsthim.

Ifought,contortingmywholebodytotrytopullaway.

He pulled me against him, squeezing harder, hard enough that it actually hurt, anda

littleshiverofuneasetrailedupmyspine.

Hisfacewasrightupagainstmine,sothatIfelttheheatofhisbreathagainstmyface.I

was supposed to crumble, defeated, and he would take me off-stage for therape scene, but

that’snothowthingsactuallywent.

Domdroppedhisscript,grippedmyneckandpulledmeforwardintoakiss.

Shocked,Ipushedagainsthimwithmyfreehand,buthekeptgoing,notrealizingthatit

wasmeprotesting,notBlanche.Ipushedandwrithed,buthewastoostrong,andhislipswere

pressedagainstminesohardthatIcouldn’tsayanythingtomakehimstop.Iwasgearingup

formyfinalmoveofprotest,aswiftkneetothejunk,whenDomwasrippedoffofme.

Igulpedinair,andsawGarrick,whowasseething,releaseoneofDom’sarmsthat he’d

hadtwistedbackatanoddangle.

“Where exactly in this script did you see that particular stage direction, Dominic?”

Garrickasked,histonedeadlyquiet.

Iwasn’twastingtimewiththelogicalquestions.IflewatDom,shovinghimbackward.

“Whatthehellwasthat,Dom?Therapesceneoccursoffstage,youasshole!”

HegrabbedmywristsasIwenttopushhimagain.

“Hey,Iwastryingtoconnect.Iwasimprovising.That’swhatactorsdo!”

Garrick’s hand came down on Dom’s arm, and he squeezed a little harder than was

probablyappropriate.Domletgoofmywristsimmediately,andIbackedaway.

“Bethatasitmay,”Garrickbegan.“Actorsalsorespecteachother.Unlessyou’d liketo

beaccusedofassault,youokaysomethinglikethatwithyourpartnerbeforehand.” I could

seeGarrick’scalmfaçadecracking.“Nowgo.You’redismissed.”

IcouldtellDomwaspissed.Hegavemeascathinglook,andpushedopenthedoorso

hardthatitbangedagainstthewalloutside.Ijustcouldnotcatchabreakthisweek.Wasthe

worlddroppingshitoneveryoneelseorjustme?

Therewasafeatherlighttouchonmyarm,andthenGarrickwasinfrontofme,cradling

myarminhishands.AbruisewasalreadyformingwhereDomhadgrabbedmeduringthe

scene.Garrickranahandoverhisface,andthenlookedatme.Hesaid,“Iprobablycouldhave

handledthatbetter.”

Ididn’trealizehowmuchmyheadwasstillpoundinguntilIlaughed,andthemovement

sentpainricochetingthroughmyhead.Iclosedmyeyesoninstinct.Garrick’s ingersbrushed

alongmyjaw,sendinganearthquakeofshiversacrossmyskinfromwherewetouched.Ikept

myeyesclosed,becauseaslongastheywereclosed,Iwasn’tdoinganythingwrong,right?But

ifopenedthem,andIlookedathisgorgeousfaceandIsawthoselips…I’dbecrossingintoa

completelydifferentterritorythatwasmostdefinitelywrong,wrong,wrong.

Awhispered,“Bliss…”wasallthewarningIhadbeforehislipswereonmine.

Chapter Eleven

I thought of how bad an idea the kiss was for exactly three seconds before I stopped

thinkingalltogether.Histonguesweptintomymouth,searchingandfuriousanddemanding.

It was passion in its rawest form. I’d always pretended to understand chemistry when

directorstalkedaboutactorshavingittogetheronstage,butnowIgotit.Whateverhappened

when he touched me was like a chemical reaction—molecules changing, shifting,giving off

heat.

God,therewassomuchheat.

Loud laughter that I recognized as Kelsey’s sliced through the haze in my mind, andI

toremyselfawayfromGarrick.Therewereotherstudentsoutsidewaitingtocomein.How

longhadIbeeninherealonewithhim?

Hetookastepforwardtofollowme,andIheldupahand.

“Stop!Stopit!Youcan’tjustdothat!Wesaidwewereforgettingaboutit! Yousaidthat,

actually!Youcan’tsaythatandthendothis!

“I’msorry.”

Hedidn’tlooksorry.Helookedlikehewantedtodoitagain.

Ishookmyhead,andshiftedtowardthedoor.

“Wait,Bliss,Iamsorry.Itwon’thappenagain,okay?”

“Okay.”That’swhatIsaid,butthisfeltanythingbesidesokay.HeactedlikeIdidn’t want

thatkissasbadlyashedid,buthello!HehadjustasmuchtolosehereasIdid!WhywasIthe

onlyonethinkingabouttheconsequences?

IexitedtohearDommouthingofftoacoupleoftheguysthathadgatheredclosetothe

doors.

“Theguy’sacompletedick.HeactedlikeIwastryingtorapeherorsomething.Itwas

justakiss.Notlikewehaven’tdonethatbefore.”

Irolledmyeyes.“Andsomehowitwasevenworsethistimethanitwasbefore.Aren’t

yousupposedtogetbetterwithtime,Dom?”Hisfriendswerelaughing,butIstillheardDom

callmeabitch.

Ikeptwalking.IhadjustenoughtimetobuythebiggestcupofcoffeeIcould indbefore

mynextclass.

The rest of the week was uneventful, thankfully. Garrick kept his distance, and Ihad

enough going on to keep me distracted. We’d gotten our assignments in directing,which

meantitwastimetobuckledownandreadsothatIcould indascene.FridayinSeniorPrep

we talked about our auditions, and he assigned us some reading aboutthe Actor’s Equity

Association.So,IspentmostoftheweekendscanningthrougheveryplayIowned(andmost

ofCade’s)andreadingthemostboringbreakdownofAEAknowntotheworld.

Thenextweekwassignupsforour irstMainstageAuditionthisterm,andthenextto

lastoneformeever.IfIdidn’tdowellonFriday,Ionlyhadonemoreshotat makinganother

showbeforegraduation.I’dbeeninthefirstshowoftheyear,andstage-managedanother,but

nothingsincethen.They’dalreadyofferedmeStageManagerofthelastshowoftheyear,but

I’dbeentooscaredtoacceptyet,incaseIdidn’tgetaroleinthis.God,itwasreallystartingto

hitme.Iwasabouttograduate,andmylifewasnowherenearwhereIthoughtitwouldbe.

WhenIstartedschoolthreeandahalfyearsago,IthoughtbynowI’dhaveaplan.IthoughtI’d

knowpositivelywhatIwantedtodoandwhereIwasgoing.AndifIwashonest…IthoughtI

wouldhavemettheguyIwasgoingtomarrybynow.Imean,everymarriedcoupleIknewmet

incollege,andhereIwasonlymonthsaway,andtheideaofmarriageatthispoint seemed

preposteroustome.

Itdidn’thelpthatmom’simmediatequestioneverytimewetalkedwas,“Haveyoumet

anyoneyet?”Iwonderedbrie lyhowshe’dreactifItoldherthecurrentstateofmylovelife

the next time she asked. Maybe she’d freak. Maybe she’d ask when we plannedon getting

married—itwashardtotellwithMom,sometimes.

Howcanpeopledecidewhotheywanttospendtherestoftheirlifewithatthisage?I

can’tevendecidewhattohavefordinner!Ican’tdecideifIwanttobeanactor, eventhough

I’vealreadygot35,000dollarsinstudentloanstellingmeIsureashellbetterwanttobean

actor.

Bytheendofauditionweek,thethingwithGarrickwasstartingtofeellikethe“nobig

deal”Ikeptsayingitwas.Igottoclassattheverylastminuteandwasusuallythe irstoutof

theroom.Truetohisword,hekeptitprofessionalinclass,whichreallyjustmeantweonly

interactedthebareminimum.IneversawhimatGrindagain,andwe’dbeentherealot.

He was in the auditions, but so was every other faculty member. And not even his

presencecoulddampenmyexcitementforthisshow.Asanactress,Iwasalwaysdrawnmore

toclassicalrolesthancontemporary(hencetheShakespeareobsession),andwewere inally

doing a Greek show (well… a translation of a Greek show, anyway).Phaedrawouldn’t have

been my irst choice, considering it was all about forbidden love, whichwas so not what I

neededrightnow.But,attheveryleast,IhadagreatunderstandingofmycharacterwhenI

auditioned. Sure, Phaedra was lusting after her stepson, nother professor, but the feelings

werethesame.

Ihadn’twantedarolethisbadlyinalongtime.

Whenitwasmyturntoenterthetheatreforauditions,Ifeltgood,con ident.Iknewmy

lines.Iknewmycharacter.Iknewwhatitwasliketowantsomeoneyoucan’t have.Andmore

thananything…Iknewwhatitwastowantandnotwantsomethingallat the same time. I
poured every ounce of lust and fear and doubt and shame into thatminute and a half

performance.IwrenchedmyselfopeninawayIneverdidinreallife,becausehere…hereI

could vent and deal and pretend it wasn’t about me… pretendit was about Phaedra. I was

morehonestundertheheatofthoselightsthanIeverwasinthelightofday.

Andinminutesitwasover,andIwasbackinthegreenroom,leftwonderingifitwas

enough.

Whenauditionswereover,weallwentouttocelebrate.Theywouldpostcallbacksinthe

morning,andthatwouldbeawholenewthingtoworryabout,butfornow,itwasoutofour

hands.

Alltogether(mostlyseniorsandjuniors),wetookupanentiresectionofStumbleInn.

Even though we were at separate tables—we talked across the room to each other

obnoxiouslyanddidn’tgiveadamnhowmanypeopleweannoyed.

Westartedthenightwithshotsoftequila,whichwasalittletooeerilyclosetomynight

herewithGarrick,butIshruggeditoff.Iwasherewithfriends.Itwoulddomesomegoodto

loosenupandhavesomefun.

I was at a table with Cade and Kelsey, of course. Lindsay was there, too, along with

Jeremy,acutesophomorethatI’ddrunkenlymadeoutwithlastyear.He’dsortoftaggedalong

alotsincethen,butIwasprettysureheknewnothingwasgoingtohappenbetweenus.These

dayshewasstarry-eyedforourresidentsex-crazedbeauty, Kelsey.ThentherewasVictoria,

whocouldeasilyhavepassedforKelseyandLindsay’slovechild.ShehadKelsey’sboobs(and

hersluttiness),butLindsay’sI-Hate-Everyone-and-Everythingattitude.And inishingoutthe

tablewasRusty,whowasprettymuchthekingofallthingsrandomandhilarious.

Jeremywastheonlyonetooyoungtodrink,butthewaiterdidn’tevenbothercarding

thewholetable.ShelookedatCade’sID,andthenjustscannedtheothers.Weordereddrinks,

food,andthensomemoredrinks.

Iwasfeelingprettygoodbythetimetalkcamearoundtoauditions.

ItwasRusty,whobroketheice.“So…howaboutthatincestplay?”

Irolledmyeyes.“It’snotincest,Rusty.They’renotrelatedbyblood.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he shrugged. “I’ve got a step-mom, and I would shit my pants if she

cameontome.”

Kelseylaughed,“Thatprobablyhasmoretodowithyoubeinggay.”

“I’vemetyourstep-mom.Shecancomeontomeanytime,”Cadesaid.

Ifweweredifferentkindsofpeople,Rustywouldhavegottenpissed,maybepunched

Cadeinthearm…ortheface.Instead,theyhigh-fived.

“Seriously,though,howdideveryonedo?”Rustyasked.“Iwascrap.I’llbeluckyto get

soldiernumbertwoortheservant.”

Kelseybuttedin,“IwouldkilltoplayAphrodite.Imean,whoelsehastheboobsforit?”

Victoriaraisedherhand,“Um,hello?Doyoureyesnotwork?”Shegesturedatherchest.

“Comeon,doyouevenwantAphrodite?”

“Hellno,”Victoriasaid.“Doesn’tmeanmyboobsdon’tresentyouignoringthem.”

Wide-eyed,Jeremysaid,“I’dneverignoreyourboobs.”

Everyonelaughed.Jeremygenerallystayedprettyquietwhenwewereallouttogether.I

guessitcouldbedif iculttokeepupwithus,consideringwe’dspenteverywakingmoment

witheachotherforthepastfouryears,andhewasthenewbietothegroup.

“What about you, Bliss?” Lindsay asked. “We all know you’re wetting yourself just

thinkingaboutthis.”

Imighthaveblushed,ifmycheeksweren’talreadyflushedfromthealcohol.

“Ithinkitwentwell.Ijust…IreallygetPhaedra,youknow?”

Kelseyburstoutlaughing,andIkickedherunderthetable.

Cadesmiledatme,“What?AreyoulustingaftersomefamilymemberI’venevermet?’

Ipushedathisshoulder,andhelaughed,wrappinghisarmaroundmeandpullingme

close.

“I’mkidding,babe.”

“I just… I get what it’s like to want something, but to try and force yourself toreally

believethatyoudon’t.Itdoesn’tevenhavetobeaboutlove.It’saboutwantingsomethingyou

can’thaveorsomethingyoudon’tthinkyoudeserve.Hell,wewantthepartsthatourfriends

get,eventhoughthey’reourfriendsandweshouldbehappyforthem.Wesitintheaudience

and think about how we would have done a role. Wewant what we can’t have. It’s human

nature.”

Imighthavegottenalittlecarriedaway.ThetablewasquietwhenIfinished.

UntilRustysaid,“Youareclearlynotdrunkenough!”So,wedidmoredrinking,andourfood

arrived,lookinggreasyandglorious.

“Youguysdorealizethereisonemajortopicwehaven’ttalkedabout.”Victoriaraised

aneyebrow,andcontinued.“ProfessorI’msexincarnateandcouldprobablygetyoupregnant

justbylookingatyou.”

Mostoftheguysaroundthetable(minusRusty)groaned,whilemostofthegirls(minus

me)plusRustysaidvariousdifferentiationsof“Hellyes!”

Victoriafannedherself.“Seriously,that irstdaywhenhespoke,Ithinkhisaccentalone

nearlygavemeanorgasm.”

Istayedquiet,andKelseydid,too,shootingmeaquestioningglance.

Icouldexcusemyselfandgotothebathroom.Wouldthatseembizarre?It’snotlikeI

hadn’thadalottodrink.

“Kelsey,whyaren’tyoubackingmeuphere?”Victoriaasked.“CanIjustcalldibs foras

soonaswegraduate?”

Itriedtokeepmyfacepassive.

Kelseysmiled,“Oh,yeah,he’scute.Buthe’salittletooprimandproperforme.Ilikea

guy who is a bit more dangerous.” She winked at Jeremy, and I’m sure his jaw would have

detachedifitdroppedanylower.

“What?Hismotorcycleisn’tdangerousenoughforyou?”Cadeasked.

“He has a motorcycle? I didn’t know that!” She shot me an accusing look like I was

betrayingherbynotrelayingthispieceofinformation.

“What happened with him and Dom?” Lindsay asked me. “Dom is still bitching about

howhemanhandledhimduringyouraudition.”

Cade’shandslippedfromthebackoftheboothtoaroundmyshoulders,andhegaveme

aquicksqueeze.

“Dom’sjustajackass.Mr.Taylorjustpulledhimoffofme,that’sall.”

RustysmiledandpointedatCadeandme,“Youtwoaresocute.‘OhMr.Taylorthis and

Mr.Taylorthat.’Ithinkyou’retheonlyonesstilltreatinghimlikeateacher insteadofapiece

ofmeat.”

I rolled my eyes. I never called him Mr. Taylor to his face, but it just felt weird to talk

about him with other people and call him Garrick. I felt like they’d be ableto read all my

secretsonmyface,andthey’dknowexactlyhowun-teacher-likeIconsideredhim.

MaybeIdidneedthatbathroombreakafterall.InudgedCade,andheslippedoutofthe

booth,andletmego.Everystepawayfromthatbooth,myanxietyeased.I’dstaygonefora

few minutes, then I’d come back and they’d be on a completely differentconversation, and

everythingwouldbefine.

IwaswalkingbythebarwhenIheardmyname.

“Bliss!”

Iturned,butdidn’tseeanyone.

“Bliss!”

Thevoicewascloser,andthistimewhenIlookedbehindthebar,Isawhim—Bartender

Boy.

Ismiled,andtriedtoappearhappytoseehim.Buthonestly…Icouldn’tevenremember

hisname.Therewerefartoomanyotherthingsthathadtakenmyfocusthatnight.Asalways

whenIthoughtofGarrick,mystomach lippedandIhadtoconcentrateonnotgettinglostin

thememories.

Whenwewereacrossthebarfromeachother,BartenderBoysaid,“Hey…Ihopeit’s not

creepythatIrememberyourname.”

Itwas.Alittle.

“Ipromisenottobecreepedout,ifyou’llforgivemefornotrememberingyours.”

Hislipspulleddowninafrownbrieflybeforehesmiledandsaid,“Brandon.”

“Right,Brandon.Ofcourse.I’msorry.It’sbeenalongweek.”

“Well,letmemakeitalittlebitbetter.”Hepulledoutaglassandpouredmea shotof

tequila.“Onthehouse.”

Ifeltawkwardtakingtheshotalone,butIcouldn’tverywelldeclineit.So,Ithankedhim,

shrugged,anddowneditinonegulp.

Ilaughed,notbecauseanythingwasfunny,butjustbecauseitseemedlikethethingto

do.

“Listen,”Brandonstarted.“Idon’tmeantocomeontoostrong,butdoyouwantto go

outsometime?”

DidIwanttogooutwithhim?Moreimportantly,didIwanttosleepwithhim?Despite

allthecrazinesswithGarrick,Iwasstillavirgin.AndIstillwishedIwasn’t.Herewasanother

opportunityto ixthat…onethatdidn’tinvolvebreakingschoolrulesandriskingexpulsion.I

lookedathim.Kelseyhadbeenright;hewascute.Andhewasdefinitelyinterested.

Itriedtoimaginewhatsleepingwithhimmightbelike.Itriedtoimaginetheshedding

of our clothes, his hands against my skin, his lips against mine. I tried, but everyimage I

conjuredwasofGarrickdoingthosethings,notBrandon.

Damn, why couldn’t I just snap my ingers and not be a virgin anymore? Why did sex

have to be involved? And why was it that all I could think about was Garrick, butI’d even

backedoutofsexwithhim?

Whydidmybrainabsolutelyrefusetomakesense?
Brandonansweredhisquestionforhimself,“I’mguessingthat’sprobablyano.Itusually

isifittakesthatlongtoanswer.”

I smiled a tight, close-lipped smile. “Sorry. You seem really nice, but I’m just not that

interested…rightnow.”Damn,Ialwaysdidthat.Isuckedatconfrontation,so Ialwaysadded

phraseslike“rightnow.”

Brandonnodded,“It’scool.Don’tworryaboutit.I,uh,bettergetbacktoworkthough.”
He didn’t wait for my answer before he strode down the length of the bar to help a

customer at the far end. Sighing, I made my way to the bathroom, where I splashedsome

wateronmyface.

Itdidn’thelpthechaosinmybrain,butIcouldfeelthealcoholtinglinginmystomach,

andthatatleastmademefeelokaywiththechaos.

Ireturnedtothetable,whereanothertwoshotswerewaitingforme,courtesyofCade,

andthankfullytheconversationwasontosomeothergossipthatdidn’tinvolveGarrick.By

thetimewe’dhadthenextround,myskinfeltlikeawarmblanketandmythroatachedfrom

laughing at things that may or may not have actually been funny.We were all gone enough

thatourconversationhaddevolvedintofragments,insidejokes,andlaughter.

“Iamsodrunk,”Rustystarted,“ThatIjustwanttositinmycarandplaymyaccordion

untilI’msober.”

Mylaughterwasembarrassinglyloud.“Youhaveanaccordion?”

“Hell,yes,Ido.Wannalistentomeplay?”

“Ofcourse!”

IleftmywalletwithCade,sohecouldpayformine.Igavehimasloppykissonthecheek

asareward.

“Oh! Me too! Me too!” Kelsey cried. She gave her wallet to Cade, too, with a headpat

insteadofthekiss,andRustywrappedanarmaroundeachofus.

“Takenotes,boys!Theladiesalwaysloveamanwhocanplayaninstrument!”

Lindsaysnorted,“Yourinstrumentdoesn’tevenlikegirls,Rusty!”

“Doesn’tmeantheydon’tlikeit!”

I’msurethevolumeinthebarloweredbyhalfwhenweweregone,butIcouldn’ttellthe

difference. It was still loud in my head. After a few minutes, the rest of thegroup joined us

outsideonthehoodofRusty’scar,wherehewasplayinghisaccordionandsingingasonghe

saidwasFrench(butI’mprettysurewasjustgibberish).

Itdidn’treallymattertous.Afterafewminutes,weknewthegibberishenoughtosing

along.Weserenadedthebar’spatronsastheymeanderedtotheircarsat2AM.Wesangin

Englishandgibberish.WesangBritneySpearsandMadonnaandPhantomoftheOpera.Cade

didsomeridiculousrapwhereherhymedmaybewithscabies.Andwecontinuedserenading

untiltheywereallgone,andtheownercameouttotellustogetlost.

Wewereallstilltoodrunktodrive,exceptformaybeJeremy,butnoneofourcars were

bigenoughtofitusall.

SoonawhimIsaid,“Let’sgotomyplace.It’sabouthalfamileaway,butI’mprettysure

I’vegotvodkainmyfreezer.”

Sowithabattlecryof“Vodka!”wewereoff.

Icametoregretthatnightlater,butthen,Ijusthadn’twantedittoend.

Chapter Twelve

Somewherebetweenthebarandmyapartment,Ilostmyshoes.Theywerelowheels,

buttheywerekillingmyfeetallthesame.So,Isimplybentoverandpushedthemoff.

“Whoa,babe,whatareyoudoing?”

I fell into Cade, giggling. I thought I was drunk before, but now that a little timehad

passed…Ithadreallyhitme.IwaspossiblyfarthergonethanI’deverbeen.“Shoesarestupid.

Whydopeoplewearthem?”

Helaughed,“Sotheydon’tsteponanailandgettetanus,that’swhy.”

“Wear.Where.Wear.W’sarewwweeird.”

Helaughed,soIlaughed,eventhoughIhadnoideawhatwasfunny.

“You’readorable.Comehere.I’llgiveyouapiggybackridehometosaveyourfeet.”

“Yay!”

He squatted, and I leapt onto his back. With my high heels in his hands, we teetered

downtheroad.Whenwewalkedintomyparkinglot,Iwassingingamadeupsongthatwent

somethinglike,“Cadeismyhero!Zerotohero!”

“Whatdoyoumeanzero?Iwasneverazero!”

“Cadeismybestfriend!Onedaywe’regonnabeonWestEnd!Hiscarsmellslikecheese!

Ijustwannagivehimasqueeze!”

Rustycalled,“Givehimasqueezeinprivate!”

“AndRustyisadouche!Andthewindinmyhairsmellslikewhoosh!”

Cadelaughed,“Don’tyoumeansounds?”

“Whatsounds?”

“Nevermind,”Hechuckled.

Isawmyapartmentcomeintoview.

“Aw,crap.Iforgotmypurse.”

“I’vegotit,babe.”

“Youdo?You’rethebest!”

I gave him a loud, smacking kiss. I’d been aiming for his cheek, but I think it landed

somewhereonhisneck.

Aboutthattime,IheardJeremyshout,“Hey!Mr.T!What’sup?”

“There’sawrestlerhere?”Iasked.

“Nah,it’sMr.Taylor.”

Isqueaked,letgoofCade’sshoulder,andleanedbacktolookforhim.Indoingso,Ithrew

offCade’sbalance,andthebothofustoppledtotheground,himontopofme.

Igroaned.

“Shiiiit.Cadeweighsalot.WaymorethanIthought!”Imoaned/sang.
Ifeltadrift,myworldrockinglikeIwasoutatsea.

Cadesaid,“HeyMr.Taylor.”

“HelloCade.Youallright?”

“Surething.”Hepushedhimselfupontohisknees,andthenstood.Whenhetriedtopick

meuptoo,IgotagoodlookatGarrickstaringdownatme.Hishairwasallsexyandhisgrinso

gorgeous.

Itwasn’tfairthathelookedsogood.

Igroanedandcoveredmyeyes.

“Whydoestheworldhateme?”

Theybothlaughed,butitwasn’tfunny.SERIOUSLY.Whydoestheworldhateme?

“Comeon,babe.”Cadetriedtopullmeup,butmybodyfeltdead.

“Idon’tthinkIcanstand,”Itoldhim.“Ifeellikeawetnoodle.”

“Doyounow?”Cade’samusedfacelookedawayfromme,andmyeyesdriftedshut.“Do

youmind,Mr.Taylor?

ThenextthingIknewIwasintheairandIwas lying.Ileanedtomyleft,andtherewas

thesideofGarrick’sface.Itwassuchaprettysideofaface.Myarmwasaroundhisshoulder,

andtogether,heandCadewerecarryingme.GarricktookholdofmecompletelywhileCade

crouchedanddugthroughmypurseformykeys.

IlaidmyheadagainstGarrick’schest.

“Yousmellsogood.Whydoyoualwayssmellsogood?”

Cadelaughed,“Oookay.Andthat’sourcuetolettheprofessorgo.”

IletgoofGarrick,andCade’sarmwrappedaroundmymiddle.

“Sorry,Mr.Taylor.”

“It’snotabigdeal.”

“Listen,she’dbehorri iedifsheknewyousawherlikethis.Iswearshe’snotnormally

likethis.She’sjustbeenreallystressedlatelyforsomereason.”

“It’sfine,Cade.Ipromise.Goodnight,Bliss.”

Iperkedupandsnatchedthesleeveofhisshirt.“No,stay.”
Rusty popped up then, his accordion still in hand. “Yeah, Garrick, stay. Bliss Baby has

vodka.”

Garricksmirkedatme.“IthinkBlissBabyhashadenough.Andthankyoufortheoffer,

buttherearestillsomelinesIshouldn’tcross.”Hiseyesmetmine,andIknewhe wasn’tjust

talkingabouttheparty.Thatsoberedmeupalittle,notmuch,butenoughtoknowthatIwas

makingafoolofmyself.

“Youguysbecareful.Havefun.”

Thenhewalkedaway,andCadehelpedmeinsideandontomycouch.

The guys went about raiding my fridge, and Kelsey sat by me on the couch, and laid

acrossmylap.

“So,yourloverwaslookingprettygreattonight.”

“Kelsey!Shutup!”

“What?Nooneheardme.”

Ilookedaround.Shewasright.Theguyswerestealingchipsoutofmypantry.Lindsay

and Victoria were pouring vodka into glasses of orange juice. When I was sure no onewas

payingattention,IlookedbackatKelsey.

“He always looks good. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. One day I’m

goingtospontaneouslysexuallycombustandjumphiminthemiddleofclass.”

Shelaughed,“Asinterestingasthatwouldbe….youknowit’saterribleidea.Besides…

you’vealreadyhadhim.Apparentlyhewasgoodenoughtomakeyouwanthimagain,butit’s

notlikehe’samysteryyou’redyingtopuzzleout.Youjustneedadistraction.”

Inoddedhalf-heartedly,eventhoughIwasprettysurenothingcoulddistractmefrom

wantingGarrick.AndwhatKelseydidn’tknowwasthathewasstillamysterytome.AndGod,

didIwanttoplayNancyDrew.

Kelsey’seyesgleamed,andshepushedherselfupandoffofmylap.

“Do you know what game I’ve never played?” She asked the entire room. “Spin the

bottle!”

Victorialookedskeptical.“You’veneverplayedSpintheBottle?Seriously?’

Kelseyshrugged,thenturnedtopeeratmeoverhershoulder,andwinked.“WhatcanI

say?”Shecontinued.“Iwasalatebloomer.Bythetimetheseladiescamein,”she gesturedto

herginormousboobs,“Peoplehadstoppedneedingagameasanexcusetomakeout.”

Caderaisedaneyebrowather.“Andweneedanexcusenow?”

She hopped off the couch, and settled Indian style on the ground, grabbing a half-full

waterbottleoffthecoffeetable.“Ofcoursenot.Butit’sthegamethat’sexciting.”

Shegrabbedmyarmandtugged.Ilandedonthefloorinaheap,laughinghysterically.

“See?”Kelseysaid.“Blissisalreadyhavingfun.Vic,bringthevodka!We’llmakethis a

littlemoreinteresting.ThisisadultSpintheBottle.Whichmeansnoneofthatpeckonthelips

stuff.Iwannaseetongue.”

“Iswear,Kelsey,you’remoreofapervthanmostguysIknow.“Lindsaysaid.

“Thankyou!Now,I’mnotunreasonable.Youcanchoosetodoapeckinstead….butyou

havetodoashotaspenalty.”

Mostoftheboyslookedrelieved.Rustylookeddisappointed.

“Therearefarmoregirlsherethanguys,”Lindsaypointedout.

Victoriagrinned,“PerhapsweshouldgofindGarrickandmakehimjoinus.”

Iblanched,“No!Absolutelynot.”

“God,Bliss,you’resuchaprude.”

Kelsey sent me a knowing smile. And I de initely needed that distraction. I reached

forwardandsetthebottlespinning.

ItlandedonRusty,andIdidn’tevengivehimachancetooptoutofthekiss.I leaned

acrossthecircle,grabbedhiscollarandpulledhimtowardme.Iwasdrunkenoughthatthe

kisswasalittlesloppy,butwewerealldrunk,sowhatdiditmatter?Ikissedhimforseveral

secondslongerbeforepushinghimbackdownandslidingbacktomyseat.

Rustywhistled,“Damngirl.IfIweren’t110%gay,Iwouldaskyououtrightnow.”

Ithrewmyheadbackandlaughed.Itfeltgoodtoletgo.

Rustywentnext,andpoorJeremywasthenextvictim.Hegrabbedthebottleofvodka

andsaid,“Nooffense,Rusty,butyou’rejustnotmytype.”Hesmiled,tookabig gulp,andthen

plantedalightningfastpeckonRusty’slips.

Weoooh’edlikemiddleschoolers.

A knock sounded on the door, and Kelsey hopped up and skipped down the hall. She

returnedwithtenmorepeoplefromourdepartment.

“You don’t mind, do you?” She asked me. It was just like Kelsey to invite irst and get

permissionlater.Ishookmyheadanyway,waypastcaring.

“Excellent,takeyourseatsladiesandgentlemen.It’stimeforsomedebauchery.”

Andtherewasreallynoothertermforit.Inamatterofminutes,I’dseensomanyfriends

making out with friends, regardless of whether they liked each other or droveeach other

crazy or thought of each other as siblings. For one night we put everythingaside and let a

bottleofAquafinadetermineourlives.

The next time the bottle landed on me, the spinner was a girl. The guys all booedus

whenwebothchosethepenaltyshot.Buttheycheeredatourpeckanyway.Laughing,Ispun
thebottleagainanditlandedonCade.

Cade had that cute boy-next-door look, right down to the boyish grin he ixed on me

now. I shrugged and crawled toward him. Kneeling before him, I put my hands on his

shouldersandleanedin.

Thekisswasjustlikeanyotherkissat irst…andthensuddenlyitwasn’t.Cade’shand

cradled my head and his other pulled me in at the waist. His lips moved againstmine
feverishly, desperately, like the world was about to end and this was his last chance at

happiness.

Thekisswasjusthardenoughtomakewarmthuncurlinmystomach,butgentleenough

thatIfeltlikeIwasbeingworshipped.Foramoment,IforgotwhereIwasandwhoIwaswith

andIjustbaskedintheheat,inthepleasure.

Then someone whistled, and piece-by-piece the world came back to me. I opened my

eyestostareatmyfriend,whohadkissedmelikehewantedtobeanythingbut.

Ireturnedtomysideofthecircle,ignoringmyfriends’commentaryonthekiss.Dazed

andwaybeyondconfused,Iretreatedintomyselfthroughthenextfewturns.

Icouldfeeleyesonme.Cade’sforsure,probablyKelsey’s,too.Butmymindwasfocused

onholdingittogether,becauseIwasonecrackawayfromdisintegrating.

Weweredrunk.Itprobablydidn’tmeananything.AndIwassomessedupoverGarrick,

thatIwasdesperateforcontactwithanyone.Thatwasit.

Itdidn’tmeananything.

We’restillfriends.CadeandIwillalwaysbefriends.

Istayedforafewmoreminutes,untilmyheadwasspinningtoomuchformetoignore.I

wasfeelingabitsicktomystomach.

I stood and excused myself, telling everyone to stay as long as they’d like. I toldthem

whereto indextrablanketsandpillowsiftheywantedtostayandcrash,andthenIretreated

intomybedroom,crawlingunderthecovers,anddroppingtheforcedsmile.

Itoldmyselfthingswouldbebetterinthemorning.

Chapter Thirteen

When morning came, Kelsey was passed out beside me in bed, and there were ive

peopleinmylivingroomandoneinmybathtub.Ismiledatthatforhalfasecondbeforemy

hangovernot-so-gentlyremindedmehowmuchIhatedtheworld.

I brushed my teeth and splashed my face with water before returning to my room. I

heardmyfrontdooropenandclosequietly,andIpeekedmyheadoutofthecurtaintosee

whoitwas.

Cadehadreturnedwithenoughgreasybreakfasttofeedusall.

Itookadeepbreathandenteredtheroom.

“Youarealife-saver!”Iwhispered.

Helookedup,smiling,andhandedmeamassivebacon,egg,andcheeseburrito.

“Howareyoufeeling?”

Ifrowned.“LikeIgothitbyabus.Areallyheavyone,fullofsumowrestlers.”

Ihoppeduponthecounter,andregretteditforanothertensecondsasmyheadspun.

Hetookaseatonthebarstoolbelowme.

Theburritowasperfect.Thick,fluffytortilla,hoteggs,delicioussalsa.

“Iaminlovewiththisburrito.IwouldmarryitifIdidn’twanttoeatitsobadly.”

“Thetragedyoftruelove,”Cadewhispered.

Isortofsmiledandhesortofsmiled,andforthe irsttimeinyears,Ifeltawkwardwith

Cade.Ilookedawayandfocusedonthepeoplelitteredaroundmylivingroom.

“HowwaseverythingafterIwenttobed?”

“More of the same. If he wasn’t already, Jeremy’s most de initely head over heels for

Kelsey. Victoria left half a pack of cigarette butts on the ground outside. AndRusty was

atrociouslysickinyourbathroom.”

Iwrinkledmynose.

“Don’tworry.It’sallcleanedup.Iknewyou’dhaveaheartattackifyouwokeuptothat.”

Iswallowedandaweightsettleddeepinmystomach.

“You’retoogoodtome,Cade.”

Hejustshrugged.He’dalwaysbeentoogoodtome.

“Listen,”Istarted.“Aboutlastnight…”

Hescratchedatthebackofhishead,andhismouthpulledupinahalf-heartedsmile.

“Yeah,Iguessweshouldtalkaboutthat,huh?”

Hishandssettledontothecounterbesideme,likeheneededtobracehimselfforwhat

wascoming.Iclearedmythroat,butitdidn’tmakeitanyeasiertotalk.“So…you?”

His hands tightened until his knuckles turned white. Then, all at once, he let goand

answered,“Yeah,Ido.Ihave…forawhile.”

Ilookedup,buthisfacewasunreadable.

“Whydidn’tyoueversayanything?”

“Because…Iwasscared.You’remybestfriend.Andyoualmostneverdate…Ijustdidn’t

thinkyou’dbeinterested.”

WasIinterested?Icouldfeelnonsensicaltearspressingatthecornerofmyeyes,andI

blinkedthemaway.Cadewasagreatguy.AndIlovedspendingtimewithhim. Andthekiss

hadde initelybeengood.Itmadesensetolikehim.Iwantedtolikehim,but…Garrickwasthe

but.CouldIstopthinkingaboutGarrick?Stopwantinghim?

IheardCadesigh.“You’renotinterested,areyou?”

God, did his eyes have to be so expressive? I could read every disappointment, every

insecurityinthem.Ilovedhim;thatmuchwasforsure.AndIthinkIcouldonedaybeinlove

with him, but I had to get rid of my feelings for Garrick irst. If this had happenedlast

semester,wouldIevenbetorn?

“Honestly,Cade?Idon’tknow.Ismaybeaterribleanswer?”

Hethoughtaboutitforthemoment,andIcouldn’ttakethesilence.

“It’snotthatIdon’tlikeyou.Ithinkyou’reprettyperfectactually.Ijust…you’re mybest

friend,too,andI’mnotsure.Ineedtobesure.”

“Iwantyoutobesure,too.”Hetookadeepbreathandsmiled.Itwasagoodsmile,but

notasbrightasIwasusedtofromhim.“Icanlivewithmaybe.”

***

WhenIarrivedatthetheatreMondaymorning,thecallbacklisthadalreadybeenposted.

Cast(andCallback)listsareamonsterinandofthemselves.It’sjustasimplepieceof

paperonthewall,butsurrounditwithpeoplewhoalreadyknowyourfateanditbecomeslike

walkingtothegallows.Eyesturnedtowardme.Istruggledtogaugetheirreactions.Werethey

looking at me with pity? Were they just concealing their excitement?Two feet apart, and I

existed in an entirely different world than them, than thosepeoplewho’dalreadyreadthat

slipofpaper.AndwhenIwouldjointhem,thepressurewouldn’tstop.Atthelist,youcouldn’t

show emotion. You couldn’t cry over a part that wasn’t yours or bitch over whose part it
became.Youcouldn’tscreamoutofexcitement oroutofrage.Youjusthadtoreadit,andnot

emoteatall.Whichmightnotseemthatdif icult,exceptthatweareactors.Emotingiswhat

wedo.

Cademetmeafewfeetaway.

“Haveyoualreadylooked?”

Heshookhishead.“No,Iwaswaitingforyou.”
Things were a still awkward from when we’d talked the day before. We hadn’t quite

iguredoutwhatthatall-importantmaybemeantforus.Butatthatmoment,itdidn’tmatter.

We were two actors, about to facerejection or another battle. We were full to the brim of

anxiety,evenifwetriednottoshowit,andtherewasn’tanyroomfortheothermultitudeof

emotionswehadgoingonbetweenusatthatmoment.

Hetookmyhand,andIdidn’tletmyselfworryaboutwhatthatcouldmean.Ineededthe

comfort.Ineededhimtobalanceme.AndIwasfairlycertainheneededthesame.

Wetookthelastfewstepstowardthelistquickly,andthecrowdthereadjustedto letus

through.

Hippolytuswasfirstonthelist;hewasthestep-son.

Thereweresevenboyscalledback,CadeandJeremyamongthem.

I looked up at him, and he was completely stoic. Not a thing showed on his face. Not

excitement,notnerves.Sevenmeantthedirectorwasn’tsure.Itmeanthehadn’tseenwhathe

wantedyet.Itmeantthatthepartwasanyone’sgame,whoeversteppeditupthemostduring

callbacks.

IsqueezedCade’shand,andimmediatelyhesqueezedback.

Iknowthatpeopletalkabouttheir hearts racing all the time, and that it doesn’teven

seemlikethatbigofadeal.ButasIlookedbackatthelist,myheartwasracinglikemywhole

liferestedonthatfinishline.Soundswerefuzzyinmyears,andmyvisionhadnarrowed,andI

feltlikeIwasontheverge,ontheedgeofsomethingterrifyingandgloriousthatcouldmean

flyingorfalling—successordisaster.

MyeyesfoundtheboldedPHAEDRArightbelowthat.

AndthenIsawmyname,nothingbutmyname,likeitwasthelightattheendofthe

tunnel. It was better than crossing any inish line. It was like taking that irstbreath of air

whenI’dfeltcertainIwasdrowning,certainIwasdying.Istifledthereliefandthejoy,because

people were watching, and because this was only acallback list. It only meant they hadn’t

ruledmeoutyet.

Cade’sotherhandjoinedouralreadylinkedones,coveringminecompletely.
Myeyeskeptscanningdown.

THESEUS

That couldn’t be right. Theseus was a character. My eyes went back up, searching for

what I’d missed. There were the seven names under Hippolytus. And there, under Phaedra,

therewasonlymine.

Theyweren’tcallinganyoneback.
Itwasjustme.

I’dgottenthepart.

Andthen,breakingalltherulesofthelist,Iscreamed.Cadelaughed,andpickedmeupat

thewaist,spinningmearound.Peoplearounduswereclapping,andIknewsomehadheard

rumors of our kiss based on the way they were looking at us. But fora moment, for one

blissfulmoment,noneofthatmattered.

I’dgottenthepart.

Chapter Fourteen

IwenttoSeniorPrepinadaze.

They always called people back. Even if they were pretty sure they knew who they

wanted,itwasachancetobecertain,toseethebestonemoretime.

Buttheycastmeoutright,whichmeanttheywerealreadycertain.

Somethingswelledinmychest,andbeforeIcouldhelpitthereweretearsbuildinginmy

eyes.Itookasecondtomyselfbehindthecurtainsbeforeenteringthespaceforclass.

Itrieddeepbreaths,butthatdidn’treleaseanyofthepent-upemotioninmychest.So,I

didthenextmostlogicalthing.

Idanced.

Idancedwithoutmusic.Iscreamedwithoutsound.Icelebratedinsilence,inthedark,

behindthecurtainswherenoonecouldsee.

Exceptasmyluckwouldhaveit,someonetotallysaw.

“I’mguessingyousawthelist.”

I froze, my butt still cocked to the left from my last celebratory hip swing. Slowly,I

rightedmyposture,andturnedasIsaid,“HiGarrick.”

Hislipswerepursedandhiseyeswide,andIknewhewasworkinghardnottolaugh.

“HelloBliss.Congratulations.”

Myhairwaseverywhereduetotheaforementioneddancing,soItuckeditbehindmy

earsasbestIcould.“Thankyou.I’m,uh,prettyexcited.”

“As you should be. Your audition…” He stepped closer, and as always, his presence

stripped away the embarrassment and any other emotion, and replaced it with heat,with

desire.“Yourauditionwasfantastic.Therewasnocompetition.”

Iswallowed,butthelumpinmythroatremained.Mythankyoucameoutasawhisper.

“ButFridaynight…“

“Oh,God—“

“Asridiculouslycuteasyouwere,pleasedon’tgetthatdrunkagain.Ericwillneed youto

beatyourabsolutebestforthisrole.”

“Ofcourse,”Inodded,petrified.“Absolutely.Ipromise.”

“And…Iwasworriedaboutyou,too.”

“Oh.”

Hiseyes lickedaroundmyface,dartingfrommynodoubtcrazyhairtomyeyestomy

lips,thenquicklydowntomyleg,wheretheburnhadhealedandleftadarkpinkscar.“Idon’t

likebeingworriedaboutyou.”

My heart felt like it was going to make a jailbreak from my ribcage if I didn’t do

somethingsoon.Thiswasdangerousterritory.Therewerethingsrearingupinsideme,things
beyond attraction, beyond an obsession with his looks and his body andhis accent—

dangerous things. His ingers touched a curl near my cheek, and the proximityof his skin

mademefeellikeIwasonthevergeofexplosion.

Ismiledandtriedtolightenthesituation.“Youshouldprobablyworryaboutyourself.

Callingme‘cute’againisboundtogetyouinjured,possiblymaimedforlife.”

Hetookastepclosertome,andtheworldfeltlikeitwasshrinkingaroundthetwoofus.

Thehandinmyhairswayedcloser,hisknucklesbrushingmycheek.Heloweredhisvoiceand

said, “Since I can’t very well call you the alternative here, cute willhavetodo for now.” My

mind lashedbacktothe irsttimehe’dcalledmeridiculouslycute.I’dhadmypantstrapped

aroundmyknees.He’dthencalledmeridiculouslysexyandhelpedmetakethemoff.

Clearly,Ineededtolearntostopsayingthe irstthingthatpoppedintomymind.ButI

couldn’tthinkaboutthatatthismoment,becausemymindwasstuckonhislasttwowords…

fornow,fornow,fornow.

Heclearedhisthroat,andsteppedback,droppingthecurlhe’dhadtrappedbetweenhis

fingers.“Whydon’tyougotakeaseatforclass?”

Inodded,slippingpasthimandthroughthecurtains.

TherewasaseatsavedformebetweenKelseyandCade,bothofwhomwerewearing

identicallyhugegrins.Ismiled,shakingofftheencounterwithGarricktobaskoncemorein

myjoy.KelseyleanedintohugmewhenItookmyseat,andwhisperedinmyear,“I guess

beinghotforteacherreallydidhelpyougetintocharacter.I’msoproudofyou,honey.”

Iglaredhalf-heartedly,butnoddedmythanks.AndthenturnedtoCade.

We’d held hands earlier, and hugged when I found out, but I wasn’t sure what the

protocolwasnow.Livingintheworldofmaybewas…complicated.

Before, Cade and I were effortless. Being with him was just as low pressure as being

alone. And now suddenly there was this intensity to everything we did and everythingwe

said.Likemylifehadbeenitalicized.

Whenweweretouching,Inoticed.Whenweweren’ttouchingInoticed.AndsuddenlyI

couldfindnoinbetween.Nomaybe.

SoIfroze.

Wewerebothwaiting,stuckinthatareabetweenactionandrefusal.Wewerenothing.

Wewereinaction.ThenGarrickcalledtheclasstoorder,andtheawkwardnesswaspostponed

forabitlonger.

Iknew…Ikneweventuallywe’dhavetogetoverthis… igureoutsomewaytoco-exist

again.Youcouldonlypostponesolongbeforeshithitthefan.ButsurelyIcouldwait alittle
longer.Todaywasanexcitingday,noreasontorainonmyownparade.

Whenclassended,Ericwaswaitingformeoutside.

“Goodmorning,Bliss.CanIspeaktoyouforamoment?”

Iblinked,caughtoffguard.

“Ofcourse.”

Heopenedthetheatredoor,andgesturedformetore-enter.Ifollowedhimthrough the

curtains, and he waved me toward a seat directly beside Garrick. I perched onthe seat

carefullyandglancedbetweenthem,unsureofwhatwashappening.Thenitdawnedonme.

He’dfoundout.

WhyelsewouldhewanttospeaktoGarrickandI?

OhmyGod.Whatwasgoingtohappentome?

Would they kick me out of the department? Out of the school? At the very least, I’d

probablylosemyscholarship.HowwouldIpaytuitionthen?

Therewasaroaringinmyears,andthepullofgravityfeltsoheavythatIfeltlikeIwould

sinkrightthroughthe loor.Garrickwouldprobablylosehisjob.Whatwouldhedothen?He’d

gobacktoPhiladelphiaorLondonorsomewhereandI’dneverseehimagain.

Iturnedtohim,tryingtoconveymyremorsewithalook,buthewas…smiling?

“Bliss,”Ericsaid,“IhavetoadmitI’msurprised.”

Airleftmylungsinarush.“S-sir,I’mso—“

“You’vecertainlydonewellinyourtimehereoverthepastfewyears,butIhadnoidea

youwerecapableofthekindofperformanceyougaveinauditions.”

I was still clenching my teeth and holding my breath against the coming shame, soit

tookmeamomenttorealizeitwasn’tcomingafterall.

“You’vealwaysbeenabittooinyourhead,Isuppose.Controlled.Careful.Mechanical,

might be the best word for it. But in those auditions—you were living in the moment.You

werefeelinginsteadofthinking.Isawshadesofemotioninyou—strengthandvulnerability,

desireanddisgust,hopeandshame—thatwerequitesimplycaptivating.Idon’tknowwhat

you’redoingorwhatyou’vedone,butpleasedocontinue.You’remuchbetterwhenyoumake
boldchoices.”

Unbidden,myeyeslockedwithGarrick’s.Didheknow?Hadheguessedthatitwashim?

That thisthingbetweenushadmefeelingthingsI’dneverfeltandtakingrisksIwouldhave

balkedatnotlongago.MynightwithhimwaspossiblytheonlyimpulsivethingI’deverdone.

“Thankyou,sir.”

“You’requite,welcome.I’mverymuchlookingforwardtoworkingwithyou.Speakingof

which,I’dlikeyoutocometocallbacksonWednesday.We’dlikeyoutoreadsomesceneswith

Hippolytus,sothatwecangetagoodideaofchemistryandlookonstage.”

“Ofcourse,I’llbethere.”

“Great,Garrickwillbetheretoansweranyquestionsforyou,aswell.He’sgoingtobe

assistantdirectingthisproduction,soifyouneedanythingyoucancometoeitherofus.”

He patted me lightly on the shoulder, and took off. Then I was alone with Garrick.My

heartwasstillthuddingimpatiently,eitherbecauseofthefearthatwe’dbeencaughtorjust

becauseIwassittingbesidetheoneguyIwantedbutcouldn’thave.

“Ican’trememberifImentionedit,butI’mreallyproudofyou,”Garricksaid.

“Thankyou.IthinkI’mstillinshock.”Iwasstillinshockfromallofthis.

“Well,getusedtoit.FromwhatI’veseen,Idon’tthinkyou’dhavetoworryaboutStage

Managingunlessyoujustwantedto.You’reanactor,Bliss,whetheryoubelieveitornot.”

Inodded,filingthatthoughtaway.

“Haveyouthoughtmoreaboutthat?Whatyou’dliketodoaftergraduation?”

Ipickedatthefrayedthreadsonthekneeofmyjeans.

“Notreally…”

“Well,ifyouwanttotalkaboutit,youknowyoucanalwayscometome.”

Iraisedaneyebrowathim,unabletoquiteputintowordshowpreposterousthatidea

was.

Hesaid,“I’mserious.Youactlikewecouldn’tpossiblybefriends.”

Ifpossible,myeyebrowarchedevenmore.Thethoughtofbeingfriendswithhim…it

wasbeyondimagining.Ididn’tthinkabouthowmyfriendslookednaked.Ididn’tbeatmyself

upovernotsleepingwithfriends.

He laughed under his breath and shook his head. “Okay, okay. So maybe friends is

jumpingthegun,butIdohopeyou’llcometomeifyouneedanything…anythingatall.”

TheundercurrentofyearningIfeltforhimthenwasdifferentthananyoftheotherpulls

towardhimI’dfeltbefore.Thedesiretobewithhimwasstillthere,butnowIwantedmore

thanthat.Iwantedtocurlupinhisarmsjusttorestmyhead,justtofeelhiscomfort.

Heavenhelpme,butIwantedmyprofessortobemyboyfriend.

Chapter Fifteen

Eric was shuf ling through papers, searching for something when I entered the

auditoriumon Wednesday. “Oh, Bliss, you’re early as always. That’s great. I seem to be

missingmynotes,soI’mgoingtorunbackupstairstomyof ice.TakeaseatwithGarrickand

justrelaxforamoment.”

DespitethefactthatIalreadyhadapart,Iwasanervouswreckforthesecallbacks.What

ifeveryoneexpectedmetobeperfect?Whatifmyauditionwastotallya luke?IwatchedEric
leavethroughthebackstagedoorandwondered…Whatifhechangedhismind?

I took a seat on the row below Garrick, wishing I’d gone and killed some time in the

greenroomwiththeactorswaitingandpreppingfortheirsecondroundofauditions.Whenhe

leaneddowntowardme,Isaid,“Hey…friend.”

I’dgivenuptryingnottobeawkward,andwasjustembracingitinstead.

Helaughed,whichIguesswasgood.Itcertainlycouldhavebeenworse.Hesaid,“Not

quitebelievable,butAforeffort.”

“Someone’saneasygrader.”

“Someonejusthasasoftspotwhereyouareconcerned.”Hewasleaningdowntowards

meandeventhoughhisfacewasagoodfootawayfromme,IswearIfeltthosewordslikehe’d

whispered them into my ear. “Sorry,” he replied almost immediately. “Sometimes I just

forget.”

Isaid,“Metoo.”Butthatwasalie.Ineverreallyforgot.Iwantedto.IwishedthatIcould

forget about the miles separating us, and just let myself be there, onlya foot away, but I

couldn’t.Heclearedhisthroat,andthistimeIwasn’timagininghiscloseness,hewasinches

frommyear.

“Ihavetoaskyousomething.”

“Okay,”camemybreathyreply.

“Cade.”

Iturned,confused,andimmediatelyleanedbackbecauseI’dbroughtourfacestooclose

together.

“That’snotaquestion.”

“You’restillwithhim?”

“Withhim?”

“I just—I can’t tell. You still sit together in class, but it’s different now. So, I thought

maybeyoutwohadbrokenitoff.”

He thought Cade and I were dating? How freaking oblivious was I? The whole world

apparentlynoticedmybestfriend’sfeelingsforme.SomuchforbeinglikeNancyDrew,Iwas
clearlytheShaggyandScoobyDooofthisscenario.

“Therewasnothingtobreakoff,”Itoldhim.

“What?”

“Yes!CadeandIaren’ttogether.Weneverhavebeen.”Hiseyeswerewide,andhis head

tiltedinthatwaythatsaidhedidn’tbelieveme.“Isthatwhatyou’vethoughtthiswholetime?

ThatIcheatedonhimwithyou?”

Oh,myGod.TheguyImayormaynothavebeenfallingforthoughtIwasaslut.Could

thingsbeanymorescrewedup?

Hisheadwasshakingbackandforth,butIwasn’tsureifthatwasanoorjusthimtrying

topuzzlethisout.“Idon’tknowwhatIthought.You’realwaystogether,and hetouchesyou,

he’salwaystouchingyou.Believeme,I’venoticed.I’djustassumedthatwaswhy…well,why

youranoutthatnight.”

“Ididn’trunoutbecauseofCade.Ihadtogetmycat…”

“Bliss,I’mnotanidiot.”

God,thiswasit.Somehow,IthoughtI’dgottenawaywiththathorribleexcuse.Imean,

obviously,ithadn’tcompletelyputhimofflikeI’doriginallythought.But he’dalwaysknownit

was excuse, he just had the reason wrong. And I couldn’t lethim know the real reason, not

now,nothereinthistheatrewhereweweresupposedtobeprofessional(thoughI’mfairly

certainprofessionalhadalreadybeenkickedtothecurb).

“Ihaveacat!Ido!”Damnit…whycouldn’tIeverremembermyimaginarycat’sgender?

“Um…she’sgrayandadorableandhernameis…“Isaidthe irstthingthatpoppedintomy

head,“Hamlet.”

Iwasagenius.Icouldn’teveninventagirlcatwithagirlname.It’sliketherewasthis

bridgeinmybrainbetweentherationalandtheabsurd,andsomehowIhadburnedit.

“YouhaveacatnamedHamlet?”

“Ido.”Killmenow.“Idefinitely,definitelydo.”

Thatwasit.Iwasgoingtohavetogetacat.

“Fine.So,ifyou’renotdatingCade,what’sgoingonbetweenthetwoofyou?”

Icouldfeelheatleechingintotheskinofmyneck.“Nothing.”

“Youareaterribleliar.”

Iwasaterribleliar.MyearsprobablylookedlikeI’dspentanhourinatanningbed.“It’s

nothing.It’sjustsomethingthathappenedFridaywhenIwas…howdoyouBritishpeoplesay

it?Pissed?Sloshed?”

Hesatbackawayfromme,butlefthishandsclenchedonthebackofmyseat.“Didyou

sleepwithhim?”

“What?No!”

Hedidn’tleanbacktowardme,buthisgriponthechairloosened.Oneofhisknuckles

brushedagainstmyarm.“Good.”

“Garrick…”Hewasgoingtothatplaceweweren’tsupposedtogo.

He smiled cheekily. “What? Just because I can’t have you right now, doesn’t mean I’m

okaywithhimhavingyou.”

Mybraintrippedoverthatrightnowphraseagain,butIforcedmythoughtsawayfrom

it.“I’mgoingtopretendyoudidn’tjustrefertomelikepropertytobeowned.”

“Can’tweowneachother?”

Ifbrainscouldhaveorgasms,I’mprettysurethiswaswhatitwouldfeellike.Ishouldn’t

likeit,buttherewaspossessivenessinhiswordsthatwasechoedinhisdarkeyes,anditsent

shiversdownmyspineuntilmy ingersfeltnumbwiththeiremptiness.Icouldn’tanswerhis

question, so I asked my own. “What has gotten into you? I thought you promised me we

wouldn’tdothisagain.”

Hepulledhishandsthroughhishair,hiscurlsstickingoutinadorablewaysthatmade

mystomachflip-flop.

“Idon’tknow.Ijust…I’vebeengoingcrazythinkingaboutthetwoofyoutogether.”

“Wekissed.Nothingelse.”

He linchedbacklikeI’dsaidCadeandIweregettingmarriedandhavingahousefulof

children.Icouldn’tlookathisface.Itmademewanttodoinsanethings.Irepeatedmyself,“It

wasjustakiss.Itdidn’tmeananything.”

“Idon’twantanyoneelsetokissyou.”

“Garrick…”Iwasstartingtohatethewarningtoneinmyownvoice.Ifhekeptpushing

likethis,Iwouldn’tbeabletosaynomuchlonger.Iwasgoingtothrowmyselfat him,most

likelyjustintimeforErictowalkbackin.

“I know I’m not being fair. I’m being a right bastard, actually. I keep telling myself to

leave you alone, but the truth is… I’m not sure I can. And now that I know you’renot with

Cade…”

“Whatareyousaying?”

Thebackstagedoorcreaked,andIrealizedhowclosewewere.Myheartthrumminglike

apluckedguitarstring,ImovedoverafewseatssecondsbeforeEricre-enteredthespace.

Hehelduphisnotebooktriumphantly.“Gotit!AndIbroughtdownarealscriptforyou,

Bliss,soyoudon’thavetousethesides.”

IfoughttocalmmyheartwhenErichandedmetheplay.
Don’tlookatGarrick.Don’tlookathim.

Itdidn’tmatter…Iwashyperawareofhim.EvenifImovedseveralrowsawayfrom him,

IwascertainIwouldknoweverytimeheshiftedorbreathedorlookedatme.

Thesmallbookfeltgoodinmyhands,stillwarmfromEric’sgrip,andIhadtoresistthe

urgetobeginpouringoverthewordsthatverysecondtodistractmefromGarrick.TheStage

Manager, Alyssa, who was a year younger than me, came in the room to announcethat we
werereadytobeginwheneverEricwas.

Henoddedthegoahead,andthenturnedtome.“Bliss,we’restartingwithHippolytus.

I’mgoingtohavethemperformtheirmonologuesonemoretime,thenI’llhaveyoujumpup

there.Juststickwithwhatyouweredoinginyourmonologue.Playtheobjective—youwant

him,butyourshame,yourfearisyourownobstacle.“

IglancedatGarrick.Shouldbesimpleenough.

Alyssacamebackin,Jeremywalkingcalmlyinherwake.Shetookaseatatthetechtable,

andhestoodcenterstage,hisshouldersback,hischinup.

Helookedgood.Ismiledinprideathim.Ourlittlesophomore.

“HiJeremy.I’dliketostartbyseeingyourmonologueonemoretime,justtogetthings

going.Thenwe’llseehowyoudowithBliss.”

Jeremyclearedhisthroat.Pausedforamoment.

Ilovedthatmomentbefore.Itwastheheightofanticipationandhope.Itwaslikediving

offacliff,knowingwhatwouldcomeafterwasterrifyingandbeautifulandthepointofliving.

Thatmoment…itwasaddicting.

Ihaveletmyselfrunontoofar.

Iseemyreasonhasgivenwaytoviolence.

TherewasdesperationinJeremy’sperformanceashebegan,buthesoundedyoung.He

lookedyoung.Whenhespoke,hiswordsandhisemotionscamerushingout.Likeoncehe’d

begunhisconfessionofloveforAricia,therewasnostoppingtheoutpour.

Mysoul,soproud,isfinallydependant.

Formorethansixmonths,desperate,ashamed,

BearingthroughoutthewoundwithwhichI’mmaimed,

Isteeledmyselftowardsyou,andmyself,invain…

Ihadn’trealizeduntilthenthatbothHippolytusandPhaedrawereinloveandashamed

—Phaedrabecauseofwhomsheloved,andHippolytusbecausehelovedatall.Icouldseethe

shame in Jeremy’s performance, eating away at him, and I wondered if that’s what Ilooked

likeinmyaudition…ifthat’swhatIlookedlikeeverytimeIthoughtofGarrick.

Present,Ifleeyou:absent,Ifindyouagain.

Garrick’seyeswereonJeremy,glancingbackoccasionallyatthenoteshewaswritingon

thenotepadinhislap.Thatlastlinewasechoingthroughmyheadlikemusic,amelodythat

getsstuckandwon’tgiveyouanyrest.

Present,I ledhim.Butnomatterthedistancebetweenus,Ikeptcomingbacktohim.It

allkeptcomingbacktohim.

Ericstoodfromhisspotandsaid,“Good.Good.Let’sseeyouwithBliss.”

ItoremyeyesfromGarrick,andfumbledforthescript.Iwalkedtowardthestage,my

kneesabitweak,andmyfeetsomewhatnumb.

AsmuchasIlovedJeremy,itwascleartomewithinminutesthathewasnotHippolytus.

For one, he was not the heroic, handsome young man who could turn Phaedra’s heartso

insideout.Hewasmoreofaboy.Hehadthepassion,butsometimeseventhatwasn’t enough.

Wemovedthroughtwomoreboyswhowerealsolacking—bothincon idence.Those

auditionswentquickly.

ThenitwasCade’sturn.

I’dalwaysthoughtCade’sbestassetwashisvoice.Onstage,ittookonthislowrumble

thatnomatterthevolumeheldpower.Andwithaplaythatwassomuchaboutthetextand

thelyricisminthelines—hisvoicewasperfect.ItwasalwayshardtoreadEric’sface,buthe

definitelylookedhappierwithCadethanhehadtheprevioustwoauditions.

WhenthingsfellapartwaswhenCadeandItookthestagetogether.Weweredoing the

scenewherePhaedra irstrevealsherfeelingstoHippolytus.Theywerespeakingofthedeath

of Theseus—Phaedra’s husband and Hippolytus’s father. Hippolytus had never liked his

stepmother.Hedidn’tknowthatshe’dtreatedhimpoorly,sothat shemightmoreeasilykeep

herdistancebecauseshe’dlovedhimevenbeforeTheseussupposedlydied.

Wedid inethroughthesectionaboutTheseus’sdeath,butIwasbarelyhalfwaythrough

mymonologuewhereIdeclaredmyfeelingswhenEriccameoutofthehouseandontothe

stage.

“Stop,stop.Cade,whatareyoudoing?”

Cadelookedstunned,andmaybeonthevergeofbeingsick.“I’msorry?”
“You despise her. As the revelation of her feelings dawns on you, you should be

horrified,disgusted,evenangry.”

“Ofcourse,sir.”

“Sothenwhydoyoulooklikealovesickpuppywhoreturnsheraffections?”

AsifIweren’tchannelingenoughguiltalreadyforthisperformance,Ifelttheweightof

myownguiltadded.Thiswasmyfault.Thiswasn’tabouttheplay.Itwasabout me.He’dkept
hisfeelingsunderwrapsforsolong,butI’dnoticedeversincethatparty,sinceI’dkissedhim,

ithadallbeenclosertothesurface.Heworehishopelikeawintercoat,layeredoverthetop

ofallofhim.

Ididn’tlookathimasheandEricspoke,becauseIwasnotsureIcouldkeepthepityout

ofmyface,andhewouldhateseeingthat.So,IlookedatGarrickinstead.Hisfacewasdrawn.

Eventhoughhewasabout ifteenfeetfromme,IfeltlikeIwasseeinghimfromfaraway.He

only looked at me for a moment longer, before his gazeskipped to Cade, and his frown

deepened.Afterafewseconds,hemetmyeyesagain,andheldmetherewithhisstare.There

wassomethingdifferentinthislook,somethingchanged,somethingthatsetmyheartbeating

fasterandthehairpricklingonthesurfaceofmyskin.

CadeandI inishedourscenewithoutincident.Itwasn’tthestrongestperformancehe

could have given, but I thought it was still the best so far. Though I was biased,I guess. I

shouldhavebeenhappythatmyfriendhadtroubleevenactingdisgustedwithme.Butinthe

backofmymind,athoughtwasplanted,itsrootsdiggingdeeperdespitemyattemptstopush

itaway.

If he knew the real reason I’d said maybe… if he knew what was keeping us apart, he

probablywouldn’thaveanytroubledespisingme.

Iwasalittleunfocusedthroughthenextcallback.SomuchsothatEricdecideditwas

timetogivemeabreak.Needingthefreshair,IslippedouttheEmergencyExit(whichwas

neveralarmed),andIknewbeforeIheardthedoorcreakopenagainbehindmethatGarrick

wouldfollow.

“You’redoingwell,”hesaid.

Iblewoutaquickbreath.Itmighthavebeenalaugh,ifI’dhadmoreenergy.“Yeah, that’s

whyyou’reoutheretryingtomakemefeelbetter.”

“Myreasonsforbeingouthereareentirelyselfish.”

IkeptthinkingIwouldgetusedtohimsayingthingslikethat,hisdirectness.

Ineverdid.

“Youwereright.Youareactinglikearightbastard.”
Whatlittleheattherewasinmywordsleftwhenhegrinned.

Hewalkedaroundthesideofme, staring out at some distant point on the campus.“I

keepthinkingthatthisplayisasign.It’ssomuchlikeus.”

“AmIthelust-filledmotherinthissituationoryou?”

Hiseyescamebacktome,dippingandscanningthecurvesandlinesofmybody.“Oh,

that’sde initelyme,”heanswered.“Phaedrakeepssayingshe’sbeingsel ish.Thatshehates
herselfforit,butshedoesitanyway.Shecan’tdenyherselfwhatshe wants,evenifitbrings

aboutherdownfallandhis.”

“Andhaveyoulearnedanythingfromourliteraryparallel?”

“Notreally.Ikeepthinkingthatshewoulddoitalloveragainiftherewereachance…a

chancethatitcouldgoright.Evenif99timesoutofa100thestoryendsbadly,it’sworthitif

onlyonceshegetsahappyending.”

“Listen,Garrick,whilethisparallelyou’redrawingislovely,especiallywiththataccent,

I’malittletiredofthemetaphors,andbeingcomparedtodoomedlovestories.Justsaywhat

youwanttosay.I’vebeenpuzzlingoutancienttextallnight.Idon’t wanttohavetodecipher

you,too.”

“I’msayingthatIwaswrong.”Hetookastepcloser,andmyexhaustion led,replaced

withelectricityundermyskin.“I’msayingIlikeyou.I’msayingIdon’tgiveadamnthatI’m

yourteacher.”

Thenhekissedme.

Ipushedhimbackbeforemyheartandmindgotsweptaway.Thepleasurehitmeafter

the kiss was already over, so that it felt like an echo. And even though I was theone who

pushedhimaway,Imissedhim.

“Garrick,thisiscrazy.”

“Ilikecrazy.”

Thequestionwas…didI?ThiswasthecraziestthingI’deverdone,anditbothterri ied

andexcitedme.Ibackedaway,needingthedistancetothink,towrapmybrainaroundthe

insanity.Thereweresomanywaysforthistogobadly.Butthenagainforthe irsttimeever,I

found my own life more interesting than the story of a characteron a page. And God, did I

wanttoknowtheending.

And hadn’t Eric said I was better when I made bold choices. He’d been talking about

acting,butdidn’titholdtrueforlife,too?

Garrick’shandbrushedacrossmyforehead,thenpushedbackintomyhair.

“Justthinkaboutit.”
Oh,Iwouldthinkaboutit.ItwouldlikelybeallIcouldthinkabout.

Hepressedaquick,barelytherekisstomyforeheadandleftmeoutside,mythoughtsin

ajumbleandmyheartamess.

Chapter Sixteen

“Whyintheworldwouldyouwantacat?”KelseyaskedasweleftDirectingthenextday.

“Ijustdo,okay?Doyouwanttocomeornot?”

Sheshrugged.“Can’t.Sorry.I’vegotwork.JusttakeCade.”

Asifhe’dbeensummoned,Cadepoppedupbetweenus,andIwonderedhowlonghe’d

beenlisteningtoourconversation.

“Takemewhere?”

Isaid,“I’mgoingtothehumanesocietytogetacat.”

“Oh.Cool,”hesaid,nodding.“IwishIweren’tlivinginthedorms.I’dlovetohaveadog.”

Iwasawareofthecarefulspacehekeptbetweenus,andthenearcontinuousbobbingof

hishead,likethenoddinghadgivenhimsomethingtodo,andhedidn’twanttogiveitup.

Kelseypulledhersunglassesdownoffherheadandoverhereyeseventhoughwewere

stillindoors.“Well,asfunasthisis…I’vegottojet.Youtwohavefunatthe pound.Don’tcome

homeacatlady,Bliss.”Kelseywasoblivioustothepanickedlook I’dshotather.CadeandI

hadn’treallybeenalonesincethewholemaybeconversation.Heswitchedhismessengerbag

tohisothershoulder,fidgetinglikehealwaysdidwhenhewasnervous.

“Ifyouwanttogoalone—it’scool.”

“No,no.Youshouldcome.”Wehadtogetoverthis.AndIonlysawtwoways—wegot

together or we didn’t. The waiting was going to kill our relationship (it was alreadypretty

maimed). If we had to have this conversation, around cute animals was probablythe best

place.

“Ok.Cool,”hesaid.

Cool…yeah.

Iwasgladtobetheonedriving.Itgavemeawaytooccupymybodyandmymind.Andit

wasmycar,soIcouldturnthemusicupasloudasIwanted.WhatIhadn’t countedonwas

Cadebeingathomeenoughinmycartoturnitdown.

“So,whatmadeyoudecidetogetacat?”

Oh,youknow.Inearlyhadaone-nightstandwithourprofessor,butranawayusing my

imaginarycatasanexcuse,andnowhemightwantustobetogethertogethereventhoughit’s

theworstideaever,butIkindofdon’tcareeither,because mybodyandprobablymyheart

aretellingmeit’sthebestideaever.SonowIneedacatsohewon’trealizeIwaslyingabout

thecatbecauseI’mavirginandchickenedoutofhavingsexwithhim.

“Justwantedone,”waswhatIactuallyanswered.

“Oh.Cool.”

Ifhesaid,“cool”onemoretimeIwasgoingtoscream.

Ipulledintothehumanesocietyparkinglot,wishingIhadtoldCadeIwantedtogoalone

afterall.

Ineededsomethingfuzzyandadorableinmyhands,stat.

We stepped inside to that distinct medicated smell that’s reserved for pounds and

veterinarians.Theladyatthefrontdeskevenlookedvaguelyfeline,likeworkingherewasin

herDNA.Herfacewasslightlypointed,hereyestilted,andherhairshortandfuzzy.

“Hellothere!HowcanIhelpyou?”

“Hi,”Isaid.“I’minterestedinadoptingacat.”

SheclappedtinyhandsthatIenvisionedaspaws.“That’sfantastic.Wehaveplentyof

greatcandidates.Whydon’tItakeyoubacktothecatroom,andI’llgiveyoutwoachanceto

lookaround.”

We followed her down the hall, that antiseptic smell growing stronger, no doubt

coveringtheodorofamultitudeofanimalshousedinoneplace.

“Hereweare.”

Theroomwasstackedwithcages,andIdon’tknowifthechorusofmeowsbeganatour

entranceorifitwasconstant,butweweresurroundedbysound.

“I’llleaveyoutwoalone.Allweaskisthatyouonlyhaveoneanimaloutatatime.”With

awide,Cheshiresmileandawave,sheleft.

Insilence,Ipeekedintocages,feelinglost.

I liked cats, but I wasn’t sure I actually wanted one. What would I do with it whenI

graduated?Wasitworthitforaboy?Wasitworthitjusttohavesex?Imean,it’snotlikethere

weren’totheroptionsforlosingmyvirginity.

IlookedatCade,whohadhis ingersslippedinsideanearbycage,pettingamidnight

blackcat.

IfIwashonest,thiswasn’tjustabouthavingsex,evenifithadstartedthatway. Asmuch

as I wanted Garrick, I’m pretty sure if I tried to sleep with him again, itwould turn into a

repeatofmyfirstawkwardperformance.

“Youknowwhat?”Isaidoutloud.“MaybeI’mnotreadyforacat.”

Iturnedtoleave,butCadesteppedinmyway.
“Whoa.Wishy-washy,much?Youhaven’tevenheldone.Giveitachance.”

Heopenedthecagewiththeblackcatandpulleditintohisarms.Hebroughtittoward

me,rubbingatthecat’sjaw.Iwaseyelevelwiththefurball,andIcouldheartheengineroarof

hispurrsfromhere.

Itookastepback,andtriedtoexplainwithoutreallyexplaining.“It’snotthatIdon’tlike

cats.Andreally,IthinkIwouldenjoyhaving…acat.ButwhatifIgetacatbeforeI’mready?
WhatifIchoosethewrongcat?OrwhatifI’mbadatit…beingacatowner,Imean?”

God,howmucheasierwouldthisbeifIcouldsaywhatIwasreallythinking?

Caderolledhiseyes,andpushedtheanimalintomyarms.“Bliss,youcouldn’tbebadat

thisifyoutried.”

I could be bad at sex though. Knowing my over-active, neurotic brain—I could be

completelyawfulatit.

The cat reached up and rubbed the top of its head against my chin. Itw a spretty

adorable. Cade was beaming at me, and I thought…maybe Cade would be the better choice.

WouldIbesoterrifiedofsexifIwerehavingitwithCade?

Thethoughtmademefeelshaky,unsteady.

Ipassedthecatbackintohisarms,stillunsure,butfeelingalittlecalmer.Icametothe

lineofcages,andsearchedforagrayonethatcouldpassforaHamlet.WhenIfoundher,Fate

must have been laughing at me. She was hunkered down in theback of her cage, her large

greeneyeswary.Ipulledthecagedooropen,andsherepliedwithagutturalgrowl.

Ofcourse…Iwouldgetthescarycat.

Overmyshoulder,Cadesaid,“You’renotserious.”

IfonlyIweren’t.ButI’dtoldGarrickthatHamletwasgray.

“Sometimes, it’s the scary things in life that are the most worthwhile.” I told him.I’m

prettysureI’dreadthatinafortunecookieonceuponatime.Thatmadeitwise,right?

Ireachedmyhandsintothecage,preppedforabiteorascratchorfullonmassacre,but

asmyhandscircledaroundthemiddleofthebeast,shereactedonlywithalowgroan.

Cadeshookhishead,confused.“Whywouldn’tyouwantthisone?”Hepulledtheblack

catupclosetohisface.“He’ssosweet!”

In contrast, the cat in my arms was on full alert—her legs straight, eyes wide. Ihad a

feelingifItriedtoholdheranycloser,shewouldmaulme.Isatherdownonthegroundand

shetookoff,hidingbeneathanearbybench.

I knew he was only asking about the cat, but I heard another question. One he hadn’t

asked,nottodayanyway.AndCadewassweet,andthethoughtofbeingwithhimdidn’t leave
me immobilized with fear. The thought of being with him didn’t leave me with any

overpoweringemotion,actually.

That’swhenIknew—

“Cade…Ineedtotakebackmymaybe.”

I swear even the cats stopped their meowing. I could imagine their stunned silence.I

wonderedwhatcat-speakwasforOh,noshedidn’t.

“Oh.”

Iwishedhewouldreact—scream,argue,anything.Iwaitedforhimtolockuplikethat

cat,clawsout,teethbared.Instead,hewalkedcalmlyawayandplacedtheblackcatcarefullyin

hiscage,probablysowewouldn’thavemorethanonecatoutatonceliketheladysaid.That

wasCade,alwaysthinkingabouttherules.That’showI’dalwaysbeen,too,butIwasstarting

tothinkitwasn’thowIwantedtobenow.

His movement was mechanical, simple, precise. He pulled the cage door closed and

turnedthelatchwithasharpsnap.Hekepthisbacktomeashespoke.

“AmIallowedtoaskwhy?”

Ibreathedout.Iowedhimthatmuch,buthowcouldItellhimthis?Hecouldn’tknow.IfI

wasgoingtodothisthingwithGarrick(whichwhowasIkidding?Iprobablywas),thenno

onecouldknow.Notevenmybestfriends.

“I…theremightbesomeoneelse.”

“Mightbe?”

Thiswasstick-your-hand-into-a-blender-terrible.Hewouldn’tlookatme,andtheheart

in my chest felt paper thin, like tissue paper, which meant I was pretty damnclose to

heartless,doingthistomybestfriend.

“Thingsarestillalittle…complex.ButIlikehim,alot.Iwasgoingtowaititout,seeifthe

feelings went away, so that maybe you and I could…” I trailed off, not wanting to put into

wordswhatI’dbeenthinking.Therewasnopoint.“ButCade,Ican’thandlehowthingshave

been.It’sbeenlessthanaweek,andIfeellikeI’mdying.IhatequestioningeverythingIdo

aroundyou,wonderingifit’sokay,wonderingifitcrossesaline,wonderingifI’mhurtingyou.

Imissmybestfriend,evenwhenI’mstandingrightbesideyou.So…Ihadtomakeachoice.

AndIneedyouinmylifetoomuchtoscrewusup.IfI’dtoldyouyes,andthenmyfeelingsfor

himdidn’tgoaway…Icouldn’tdothat.PleasetellmeIhaven’tscrewedthisupalready.Please,

please.”

Heturnedthen,andIwasstartledbythehurtIsawinhim.Cade’sfacelookedforeign

with a frown. “I want to say we’re okay, Bliss. I need you, too. But I can’t pretend I wasn’t
hopingthiswouldgosomewhere.Idon’tknowifIcandoit.Thetruthis…youarehurtingme.

Notonpurpose,Iknowthat.ButIloveyouandeverysecondthatyoudon’tlovemeback…it

hurts.”

“Cade—“Ireachedforhim.

“Don’t,please.Ican’t.”

Themedicatedsmelloftheshelterwassuddenlyoverpowering,nauseating.
Iasked,“Can’twhat?Can’tbemyfriend?”

“I don’t know, Bliss. I just don’t know. Maybe.” The hint of bitterness in his tone was

small,butitstruckmelikeaslapacrossthefaceanyway.Hewalkedoutthedoor,andIsunk

downonthebench,feelingfrayedandburntandbruised.Mytissuepaperheartwasshredded.

Isatthere,tryingtopuzzleoutawaythatIcouldhavedonethisbetter.Wasthere any

possible path I could have taken that wouldn’t have fucked this up so completely?Would

tellinghimnostraightouthavebeenbetter?ShouldIhavewaiteduntiltheyearwasoverand

Garrickhadleft,andthentriedtohavesomethingwithCade?

MymotherhadtoldmeoncewhenIwaslittleandhadafriendshipfallapartthatsome

relationships just end. Like a star, they burn bright and brilliant, and thennothing in

particulargoeswrong,theyjustreachtheirend.Theyburnout.

Icouldn’tfathommyfriendshipwithCadebeingover.

Somethingnudgedatmycalf,andthenthegraycat’sheadpokedbetweenmylegs.She

pulledherwholebodythroughthespacebetweenmylimbs,rubbingagainstmeasshewent.

Shecircledbackandpressedherheadagainstmyshin.Ireachedahanddown,andshefroze,

latteningagainstthe loorinfear.Slower,Imoveduntilmyhand pressedagainstherback,

slidingalongherfurinonesmoothstroke.Herbodyrelaxed,andIpettedheragain.

I eased myself down on the loor beside her. She locked up again, but she didn’t run.

WhenIwascertainshewascomfortablewithme,Ipickedherupinmyarms.Ipressedmy

faceagainstherfur,absorbingthecomfortshedidn’trealizeshewasgiving.

“Let’smakeadeal,Hamlet.I’llhelpyoubelessafraid,ifyouhelpme,too.”

Chapter Seventeen

BythetimeIhad illedoutthenecessarypaperwork,andhadHamlethousedinsidea

cheapcardboardcatcarrier,nearlythirtyminuteshadpassedsinceCadehadwalkedoutto

mycar.Standingintheparkinglot,Icouldn’tfindhimanywhere.

Ipulledoutmyphone,notext.

Ilookedonmywindshield,nonote.

Icalledhisphone,noanswer.

Icalledhisphoneagain,straighttovoicemail.

Bythebeep,Iwascrying.

“Cade,I’msorry.I’msosorry.Idon’tknowhowtomakethisbetter.IJustwant ustobe

howwe’vealwaysbeen.God,that’sstupid.Iknowwecan’tbe.Iknowthingscan’tbehowthey

werebefore,but…Idon’tknow.Nevermind.Just…letmeknowyou’reokay.You’renotatmy

car,andIdon’tknowhowyougothome,ifyougothome.Just callme.Please.Let’stalkabout

this.”

Afewminuteslater,Iwassittingbesidemycarinthegravel,myjeanssmearedwith

dust,andIgotatext.

I’mfine.

Itriedtocallagain,straighttovoicemailagain.

AndashardasItriedtofeelotherwise,ashardasItriedtohopethatwe’dgetpastthis…

Ialreadyfeltit.Ifeltburntout.

Maybe it was the grief. Maybe I’d just inally gone crazy. Maybe I just didn’t have

anywhere else to go. But when I got back to my apartment complex, I didn’t go to my

apartment.

Hamletinhand,IwenttoGarrick’s.

Idon’tknowwhatIlookedlikewhenheopenedthedoor.Idon’treallywanttoknow. But

heopenedthedoorwideralmostinstantly,gesturingmeinwithnoquestionsasked.

I’dneverbeeninhisapartment.Ishouldhavetakenitallinoraskedhimtoshowme

around.Ishouldhavesaidsomething,buttheonlythingonthetipofmytonguewasasob,

andittookallofmyenergy,allofmyconcentrationtoholdthatinside.

Buteventhatwasn’tenoughwhenhisfingerstiltedmychinup.Hespokemyname,andI

sawtheworriedlookinthoseeyes.Thetearsstreamedoutofmelikeacupover lowing,andI

couldn’tcontrolit,couldn’tbreatheright,couldn’texplain.

HetookHamlet’sboxoutofmyhandsandwrappedanarmaroundmyshoulder.Heled

medownahallwayalmostidenticaltomineintoalivingroomthatwasvastlydifferent.Itwas

illed with books, some in shelves, some in stacks on the loor. The furniturewas simple,

slightly modern, but not so modern that I hesitated to sink into the cushionsof the black
couch,snatchingupawhitepillowtohugtomychest.ThenGarrickwasbesideme,pullingthe

softpillowoutofmyhands,andreplacingitscomfortwithhimself.Hepulledmeintohislap,

cradlingmelikeachild,wipingawaytears,brushingbackmyhair,rubbingatmyback.

“Hehatesme,”I inallymanaged.Hehadn’tasked,buthisconcerntuggedatmeanyway,

tuggedthewordsrightfrommymouth.

“Whodoes,love?”

Quick, short breaths puttered from my lips, little whimpers that I couldn’t seem to

control.

“C-Cade.”

“Cadecouldneverhateyou,”hesaid.

“Hedoes.Heleft.Hewon’teventalktome.”Idissolvedintoanother itoftears, andhe

justpulledmeinclose,tuckingmyheadunderneathhischin,againsthischest.

Heletmecry,murmuringthingsallthewhile.You’llbeokay,love.Thingswillworkout.

Calmdown.Breathe,Bliss.I’mhere.Itwillbeokay.Whateveritiswe’lltakecareofit.It’sokay,

love.

Hemusthavewhisperedathousandvariations.Butheneverstoppedtrying,nomatter

howmuchIwasn’thearinghim.WhenIwas inishedcrying,Iwastootiredtodoanything

else.Ilaylimplyagainsthim,doingnothingbutbreathinginandbreathingout.Andheheld

mestill.Finally,anoisebrokethroughthefog.Alow,annoyedgroan.

Hamlet.I’dleftHamlettrappedinthatboxthiswholetime.

Filledwithpurpose,Isatup,clearheadedagainforthemoment.

“I’m sorry, I need to take her home.” I was standing and reaching for her crate, when

Garricktookmebytheelbows.

“Stay,love.You’reupset.I’lltakecareofthecat.”

No.Icouldn’tlethimdothat.Becausethenhe’dseethatallthecatstuffI’dboughtthe

nightbeforewasstillbrandnewandunused.

“No,it’sokay.Ireallyshouldgo.I’mokay,now.Thanks.”

“Bliss,please,talktome.”

My body was leaning toward him against my will, aching for his comfort again, butI

hadn’tmadeadecisionyet.

“Idon’tknow…”

“Howaboutthis—yougohomeandtakecareofthecat,andinalittlewhile,I’llbring

dinner.Wecantalkorjustwatchamovieorwhateveryouneedtodo.Ijust… ifyouleavelike

this,I’llgocrazyworryingaboutyou.”

Afteramoment,Inodded.
“Okay.”

“Really?”

“Yes,justgivemeanhour,okay?”

Hesmiled,andIknew…Iwasintrouble.

***

Iwasprettysuremynewcathatedme.

NotthatIblamedher,afterIleftherinthatboxforsolong.

No matter what I did, she let out that closed mouth growl every time I took a step

anywherenearher.Isetupfoodforherinthekitchen,whichsheignored.Imadealitterbox

andputitinastoragecloset.Ipickedherup,andcarriedhertothebox,placingherinsideso

she’d know where it was. She hissed once, and then ran,kicking up litter in her wake. She

disappearedundermycouch,onlyherglowing,evileyesvisibleinthedarkness.

Why hadn’t I told Garrick I had a cat named Lady Macbeth? That would have been so

muchmorefitting.

Fortherestofthetime,Iwasleftalonewithmythoughts,whichwereaboutaspleasant

as the Ebola virus. I straightened up the living room, then thought about runningaway. I

straightened up my bedroom, then rushed to the bathroom, certain I was goingto vomit. I

didn’t.IalmostwishedIhad.IcouldhavesaidIwassick.

BeforeIreallygotthechancetotalkmyselfintooroutofthis…therewasaknockatthe

door.

Myheartfeltlikesomeonewasusingitasatrampoline.Itookadeepbreath.Ihadn’t

promisedhimanything.He’dsaidwecouldtalk.Orwatchamovie.OrdowhateverIwanted.

Thisdidn’thavetobeabigdeal.

WhenIopenedthedoor,Garricklookedsocheerfulthatitwashardtokeepdreadinghis

presence.

“Iforgottoaskwhatyouwanted,soIgotpizza,aburger,andasalad.”Hewasbalancing

allthreeinhishands,andIwasallatonceoverwhelmedwithhowmuchIlikedhim.Notjustin

aromanticway.Ingeneral.Hewaskindofamazing.

Ismiled,“Pizzaisgood.”

I moved back, and he stepped inside my apartment. As much as I was freaking out

earlier,itfeltnaturaltohavehimhere.NotthatIwasn’tstillnervous,itwasjust…hefeltlike

hebelonged.

Wemadeourwayintomykitchen/livingroom,andhesetthefoodonthesmallcircular

island that jutted out from my kitchen counter. I busied myself getting us both drinksand
plates,andwhentherewasnothingelseIcoulddistractmyselfwith,Ipulledoutoneofthe

barstoolstuckedunderneaththeislandcounter,andtookaseatbesidehim.Ipulledasliceof

pizzaonmyplate,andheopenedthesalad.

Inarrowedmyeyesathim.

“YouarenotseriouslygoingtositthereandeatasaladwhileIstuffmyfacewithgreasy

goodness,areyou?”

Hedumpeddressingontopofhislettuceandgrinned.“Oh,I’mgoingtoeattheburger,

too.Andsomepizza,ifyouleavemeany.”

Irolledmyeyes.Guyssucked.

Wetalked.Notreallyaboutanythingthatmattered.HebalkedwhenIdippedmypizzain

ranch.WhenImadehimtryit,hepuckeredhisfaceuplikeitwasgross,butIsawhimdipa

sliceagainlaterwhenIwasuprefillingmydrink.Itwasn’tuntilIwassofullthatIfeltlikeIwas

goingtoburstthathebroughtupmyearlierbreakdown.

“So,canyoutellmenowwhathappenedwithCade?”

Ipickedatthepepperonionthehalf-eatensliceofpizzaonmyplate.

“Wehadafight,Iguess.Ithink.I’mnotsure.We’veneverreallyhadafightbefore.”

“About?”

IpushedouttheairI’dbeenholdinginmylungs,andsetaboutreturningthingstothe

fridge,andplacingourplatesinthesink.

“Aboutthekiss.”

IcouldimagineGarrick’sreactionwithoutseeingit,soIdecidedtogoaheadandwash

thedishes…byhand…eventhoughIhadadishwasher.

“Helikesme,”Icontinued.“Hetoldmeafterthekiss,andwe’vebeentryingtoactlike

nothingchanged,butitwasawful,andIjustgottiredofpretendingthingswerenormal.”

Heappearedbesideme,takingaplate,anddryingitforme.Hemusthaverealizedby

nowthatitwaseasierformetotalk,whenweweren’tlookingateachotherbecausehekept

hiseyesfocusedontheplatelongafteritwasdry.

“So,whatdidyoudo?”
“ItoldhimIdidn’tthinkitwasgoingtohappen.”

“Youweren’tevenalittleinterested?”Garrickasked.

Ididn’tthinkGarrickreallywantedtohearthis,buthewasgoingtogetwhatheasked

for.Ineededsomeonetoventto.

“Ithoughtaboutit.Cadeissweet,andIlikebeingwithhim,buthedoesn’treallymake

mefeelanything.”

Hestoppedstaringtheplate,andturnedtowardme,leaninghishipagainstthecounter

besideme.

“DoImakeyoufeelanything?”

Iglancedupathimjustlongenoughtoseeifhewasjoking.Hewasn’t.Ilookedaway.

“That’sastupidquestion.”

“Isit?You’rehardertoreadthanyouthinkyouare.”

Idriedmyhandsonatowel,andmovedtothecouch,pushingmyselfintoacorner,and

draggingapillowintomylap.

“I’m serious,” Garrick continued. “Sometimes you react… like, well, how I want youto

react.Butthenothertimes,likeoutsideduringcallbacks,youpushmeawaylikeyou’re not

affectedbymethewayIambyyou.”

Isqueezedthepillowtightertomychest.

“I’maffected,Garrick.I’mjustalsoconfused…andworried.AndIdon’tunderstandwhy

youaren’t.”

Hetookaseatontheoppositesideofthecouch,theentiremiddlecushionseparating

us.

“Ithinkthat’sallIdoisworry,”hesaid

“Andyoustillthinkthisissmart?”

He shook his head, laughing. “Oh, it’s de initely not smart. I know that. But honestly,

Bliss?I’mmiserablehere.It’sgreattohaveasteadyjob,andI’menjoyingteaching,butIdon’t

haveanyfriendslefthere.Igotowork,andthenIgobacktomyapartment.AndIthinkabout

youbecauseIcan’thelpit,andthere’snothingelsetodistractme.EspeciallywhenIknowyou

areonlyonebuildingaway.Thenightwemet…Bliss,Idon’tnormallydothingslikethat.ButI

wassecond-guessingeverythingaboutcominghere,andyouwereeverythingIneeded.Idon’t

knowhowmanytimesI’vestoppedmyselffromcomingoverhereandknockingonyourdoor.

Andyes,seeingyouwithCadewasde initelymotivation,butmorethanthat…Ijustlikeyou,

Bliss.Asateacher.Asaperson.Asaguy.”

Itwashardtokeepmybreathingsteady,hardtokeepthelongingfromshowingonmy

face,hardtokeepfromreachingforhim.

“So,whatnow?”Iaskedhim.

“Ihaveabsolutelynoidea.”

Ihadsomanyideas.Thatwastheproblem.

“Ifwedothis…”Istarted,andthenstopped.Hisentireposturehadchanged,andIfeltit

echoedinmyown.Wewereabouttocrossaline,andwebothknewit.“Ifwedothis,wehave
tobecareful.”Henodded,hiseyes ixedonme.“AndIthink weshouldtakeitslow.Ifweget

caughtupinthistoofast,we’llgetsloppy.”And Ineededmoretimetothinkaboutthis,about

sexwithhim,andwhetheritwassomethingIwantedtodo.

Iwasn’tsureslowwassomethingwecoulddo,butitwastheonlywayIcoulddothis

withoutfreakingout.WhowasIkidding?Iwasgoingtofreakoutregardless.Thedifference

was whether it was a feel-like-I’m-going-to-be-sick-freak-outor a lock-myself-in-my-

apartment-for-a-week-freak-out.

“Okay,”Garrickslidclosertomeonthecouch,halfwayontothemiddlecushion. “Ican

docareful…andslow.”

Myskinwasinvadedwithgoosebumpswhenhereachedahandouttome.Iletmyself

beafraidforasecond,butthentheneedtotouchhimoverpoweredevenmyfear.Ipushedthe

pillow out of my lap, and slid toward him. I put my hand in his, and hepulled it up to his

mouth,holdingitthereagainsthislips.Heclosedhiseyes,andthesimpletouchsoakedinto

mybody,soothingmyanxiety.

Likeakeyintoalock,mybodyfellintohis, ittingperfectly.Withmyheadonhischest,

andhisarmaroundmyshoulder,Itookadeepbreathandknewtherewasnogoingback.

Chapter Eighteen

The easiness of the night before evaporated by Friday morning. Cade wasn’t mad per

say,buthewasn’tmuchofanythingreally.Hedidn’ttalktomeinthegreenroom orsitbyme

inclass.WhenIjoinedaconversation,heleftit.Iwasahabit,andheappearedtobequitting

coldturkey.

Garrick’sgentlesmileinSeniorPrephelped.We’dcommandeeredthecomputersinthe

Design lab for the day to do post-grad research. Some were researching graduate schools,

othersscouringforinternships.Kelseywaslookingatairlineticketsandhostelsin random

citiesaroundtheworld.

Iwaslookingatthesearchenginehomepage.

Handscurledaroundthebackofmychair,andGarrick’sbodyleanedinclosetomine.

Theproximitywasaltogetherdistracting.

“Whatareyouthinking,Bliss?”

I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually

thinkingofhimnaked…well,nowthatImentioneditIwas…damn.

LikeIsaid,distracting.

I shook my head, because I didn’t have an answer, not one I could say out loud. He

steppedaroundmeandleanedonthetable,lookingatme.

“ActingorStageManagement?”Thegazehe ixedonmefelttoopersonalinthisroom

fullofmyclassmates,evenifnoneofthemwerelooking,well,otherthanKelsey.Shewatched

prettymuchanytimeGarricktalkedtome,whichremindedmethatwehadtobecareful.

“Idon’tknow,”Imuttered.

“Okay, well what about a city? You can start looking at apartments. That’s certainly

somethingyou’vegottothinkabout,especiallyifyou’regoingtoNewYork.”

Istaredatthesearchenginebox.Itwastauntingme.

“Ican’taffordNewYork,”Itoldhim.

“That’s okay. Most people can’t. There are plenty of regional markets to consider.

Philadelphia.”Ijerkedaroundtofacehim.WashetellingmetolookatPhiladelphia? Wherehe

lived?WashetryingtotellmesomethingorwasIreadingtoofarintothis.Hisfacewasblank

as he continued, “Dallas and Houston both have a fair amount ofwork. Chicago. Seattle.

Boston.D.C.There’splentytochoosefrom,actually.”Iturned backtowardmycomputer,my

heart still beating a little too fast. I was de initelyreading into this. It wasn’t like we were

serious.We’dspenttheeveningcuddledonmycouch.Thatdidn’tmeanweweretogetheror

thatIwasreadytomovehalfwayacrossthecountrywithhim.

“Just explore. Look up something,” He said before leaving me to continue walking

aroundtheroom.

Iplacedmy ingersonthekeys,buttheyfeltlikelead,tooweightedtomove.Istaredat

thekeywiththeletter“P.”IcouldseeKelseywatchingmeoutofthecorner ofmyeye,andas

curious as I was now about Philadelphia, I typed “Stage ManagementInternships” into the

searchengine.

ThenIclickedfromwebpagetowebpage,watchingtheclockinthecornerofmyscreen,

willingthenumberstochangefaster.

Whenclasswasover,myreliefwasshort-lived.

Thecastlisthadbeenposted.

IwasstillPhaedra,whichwasgood.HowembarrassingwouldithavebeenifErichad

changedhismind?KelseygotAphroditelikeshewanted.Rustydidgetasoldier,justlikehe’d

predicted.

AndCadewasHippolytus.

***

IknockedonGarrick’sdoorthatevening,nervousdespiteouragreementtotakethings

slow. We hadn’t really talked about doing anything tonight, and despite our tenuous

relationship,we’dyettoexchangenumbers.So,IhopedIwasn’tbeingneedybyseekinghim

outasecondnightinarow.Hamlet,de initely,wasgladtohavemeoutofthe apartment.We

stillweren’tcoexistingverywell.

Myworryeasedwhenheopenedthedoorandsaid,“OhthankGod.I’vebeenthinking

aboutcomingroundtoyourplaceforoveranhour,butIwasafraidI’dknockonthedoorand

you’dhavepeopleoverorsomething.”

Ilaughed.

“Maybeweshouldactuallyexchangenumbersthen.”

Hesaid,“Areyougoingtoputmeinyourphoneundersomesecretcodenamesothat

nooneknowswhoIamwhenItextyoudirtythings?”

Myeyeswidened.“Areyouplanningtotextmedirtythings?”

Hiseyesdancedwithamusementandthatblindinggrinwasbackonhisface.“I’mnot

rulingitout.”

Oh.Oh.Mynervesshotbackup.

Hetookmyhand,andpulledmeintohislivingroomwhereabookwasopenonhissofa.

Itwaspoetry,ofcourse,becausehewasperfect,andwoefullyoutofmyleague.Hemarkedhis

page,andplacedthecollectionontopofapileofbooksattheedgeofthesofa.

Hereachedandlacedour ingerstogetherinthespacebetweenus.Iwantedtoleaninto

him, wrap myself around him, and not move from his arms until I had to, but Istill felt
awkward.Wereweinthatplaceyetwherewecouldjustdothat?Ordidwehavetoworkour

wayuptoit?

“So…Castlist?”Heasked.

Igroanedandleanedmyheadbackagainsthiscouch.

“It’snotthatbad,isit?”

“That depends on whether or not Cade is speaking to me by the time rehearsal rolls

aroundintwoweeks.”

Ididn’thavetoworryabouteasingintoit,becauseGarrickhadnoqualmsaboutpulling

metohim.Myheadfitperfectlyontothecurveofhisshoulder.

“Cadeseemslikeareasonableguy.I’msureafterawhiletoprocesseverything,he’llbe

better.”

Inodded,hopinghewasright,butnotfeelingcon ident.Cadewasreasonable.Trouble

was… reason probably told him to stay the hell away from me if he didn’t want hisheart

stompedon.Andmaybethatwouldbeforthebest.

Hedeservedsomeonebetter.

“All right,” Garrick said. “Enough about that. I don’t like that sad look on your face.

Unfortunatelyouroptionsfortheeveningarelimited,sincewecan’tactuallygoanywhere.So

howaboutamovie?”

Ipulledasmileontomyface.Whenhesmiledbackittooklessefforttoholditthere.“A

moviesoundsgood.”

Hepickedsomethingfunny,probablyinanefforttocheermeup.Thenhe lickedoffthe

lights,andjoinedmeagainonthecouch.Astheopeningcreditsbegan,Heleanedback,pulling

mewithhim.Hewasstretchedoutonhisback,andIwasonmyside, ittedbetweenhimand

thebackofthecouch.Ihesitatedamomentbeforelayingmyheadagainsthischest.

Itriedtowatchthemovie,Ireallydid,butitwashardtoconcentratewithhissteady,

evenbreathsruf lingmyhair,andhishandtracingupanddownmyspine.Itwassomewhere

between ticklish and seductive. I was hyper aware of the way everyonce and a while, his

ingerwouldcontinuealittlefartherdownmyback,untilhebarelytouchedthestretchofskin

betweenthebottomofmyshirtandthetopofmyshorts.Hewouldstaythereforonlythe

barestofsecondsbeforereturningupmyback.Thenhis ingerdanceduptothesensitiveskin

atthebackofmyneck,andIhadtoholdbackamoan.Iglancedupathimquickly,buthewas

focusedonthemovie,completelyunawareofthemadnesshewasdrivingmeto.

Finally,IdecideditwastimeforhimtogetadoseofwhatIwasfeeling.Iuncurledthe

fistIhadrestingonhischest,pressingmyfingertipseversoslightlyintohischest.Istartedby
tracingtheabstractdesignonhist-shirt,somethingfromaband,Ithink.ButonceI’ddone

thatIkepttrailingmyhandsacrosshischest,acrossthecurveofonepec,downthesternum

to his ridged stomach, back up his chesttothemusclesstretchingfromhisshouldertohis

bicep.Whenmyhandtookoneofhismoves,barelytracingalongthehemofhist-shirt,his

handonmybackstilled.

Somehow,thestillnesssetmeevenmoreonedge.

Feelingalittlebrave,Iwentbacktothehem,pushingmy ingersupandunderhisshirt,

using my ingernails to draw the barest of touches across his skin. The handon my back

moved, sliding up past my neck and into my hair. I lattened my hand, pressingmy palm

againsthiswarmskin.Thehandinmyhairtightened,notenoughtohurt,butjustenoughso

thathecoulduseittotiltmyheadbackwardslightly.

Hegazedatme,notraceofteasinggrin,hisblueeyesappearingblackinthedarkened

room.Hiseyesdancedaroundmyface, lickingmostfrequentlybetweenmyeyesandmylips.

Theanticipationwaskillingme,andIdugmy ingersintohisskin.Hisbreathing wasn’t so

steady anymore, but he still only looked at me. I licked my lips,and his gaze stayed there

longer,solongthatheatwaspoolingbetweenmylegsjustbecauseoftheanticipationalone,

andIsquirmedtryingtorelievethepressure.

WhenIliftedoneofmylegs,curlingitaroundhisown,finally,hetookaction.

Thehandinmyhairpulledmeforward,andhemetmehalfway.

Alloftheanticipationofthelasttenminutesfocusedintothepointwhereourlipsmet.

Theconnectionwastoosmalltobringtomind ireworks,butitwassomethingclose,likethe

excitementofholdingasparkler—therushoffeelingthesparkscreepclosertoyourhand.

His mouth stayed closed, and even though I’d tasted him several times before, the

mysterywaskillingme.

Itfeltlikeafirstkiss.

Hepulledback,andpressedhisforeheadagainstmine.

“Thankyou,”hesaid.

Thank you? Was that like a thanks, but no thanks? Thanks, but I’m watching a movie,

leavemealone?

“For?”

“Forgivingthisachance.Iknowyouwere,probablyare,afraid.Butyou’vemademylife

immenselybetteralready.”

I don’t know if it was being an actor that made him so honest, so unafraid of being

vulnerable,orifitwasjustwhohewas.IwishedIcoulddothesame,butthatwasn’twhoI
was.

“CanIaskyouaquestion?”

Hishandinmyhairtrailedacrossmyjaw.

“Ofcourse,”heanswered.

“Whydidyoutakethisjob?NotthatI’mnotgladyouarehere,butyousaidyourselfyou

weremiserable.”

“Iwas…notanymore.”Heleanedbackinandkissedmeagain,hummingashepressed

his lips against mine. It did not slip my notice that he hadn’t answered my question,but I

didn’t care enough about the answer to stop kissing him, especially when hismouth inally

opened,andItastedsweetandmintandhisbreathmixedwithmine.

Histongueslidagainstmine,andmyhandbeneathhisshirtcamebacktolife,curling

aroundhisside,pullingcloseruntilmypelvispressedintohiship.Thekisswasleisurelyand

divine,buttooslow,slow,slow.

Iwantedmore.Iwantedourbodies lush,Iwantedourlipscrushedtogether,notsoftly

teasing.Ididn’twanttolosethecontactwithhisskin,butIwantedtotakecontrol.Myother

handwastrappedbeneathme,proppingmeuponmyside.SoIslippedmyhandoutofhis

shirt,andplaceditonhisfaceinstead.Ipulledhimcloser,tryingtochangethepace.

Healloweditforamoment,ourlipsmovingfaster,breathescapingasourheadstilted

andourmouthsbattled.AndGod,itwasgood.Ikeptpulling,notsatis ied,notcloseenough,

untilheangledupandrolledontohissidetofaceme.Asighofsuccessescapedme,thenhe

tookthehandIhadonhisface,andpulleditaway,away,until itwastrappedbehindme,held

there,pressedintomylowerbackbyhishand.

Thenagain,heleanedback,changingthepace,brushingagainstmylips,slowly,softly. It

wasmaddening.Itriedleaningintohim,butheheldstrong,pinningmeback,takinghistime.I

groanedinfrustration.

Andhesmiled.

“Whatisit,love?”

Anynumberofwordscouldhavecomeoutofmymouth,someofthemincoherent,most

ofthemnotverynice.Luckily,theonesImanagedwereexactlywhatImeant.

“Tooslow,”Iwhined.

Iwasactuallywhining.

“ItoldyouIcoulddoslow,”Hesaid.

“Youjerk.”Thatwasactuallyoneofthenicerwordsgoingthroughmyhead.Hedidn’t

evenhavethedecencytobeworried.Hejustlaughed.Isquirmed,tryingtopullmyarmfree,
andheappeasedmewithakiss,thisonealittleharder,alittlemoresatisfyingthanthelast.

AndjustwhenIwasforgettingwhyI’dbeensofrustratedbefore,hepulledbackagain.

Itwasabsurd,butIactuallyfeltlikeImightcry.Hislipstrailedalongmyjawtothatspot

belowmyearthatmadeeverytautmuscleinmybodygolimp.

“Iwasn’ttryingtobesmart,”hewhispered.“I’mtryingtogiveyouwhatyouwant. It’s

hardwhenIletmyselfgo,whenIkissyouhowIwantto.BecauseallIcanthinkaboutthenis

howyourskintastes,andhowmuchIwanttotasteitagain.”Hismouthburnedagainstmy

neck.Histeethgrazedagainstme,andonimpulse,myhipssurgedforward,justbarelymaking

contactwithhim.Hegroanedinresponse,hiswhispersturninggruff,losingtheirsoftness.“I

remembertheweightofyourbreastinmyhand,andthewayyoureactedtomy ingersinside

you.” I bit my lip against thewhimper building in my throat. I wanted his hands on me. I

wantedourclothesoff.“Ithinkabouthavingyourbodybeneathme.Ithinkaboutbeinginside

you. I thinkaboutit,anditconsumesme.Andgoingslowistheverylastthingtocrossmy

mind.”

Ilostit.Icouldn’tholdinthewhimper,andIfeltlikeIwasgoingtofallapart fromhis

wordsalone.

“So,Ihavetokissyouslowly.Unlessyou’vechangedyourmind.Haveyou?Changedyour

mind?”

YES!Please,ohGod,yes.

Thiswasliketorture.

Butreasonunfurledinthebackofmymind,takingover,keepingmegrounded.Whatif

wetriedtohavesexandIchickenedoutagainandIruinedeverything?

“No, I haven’t changed my mind,” I said. Then added, “You jerk,” because that was

torture,andbythesmileonhisface,heknewit.

“Hmmm…thenslowitis.”

Chapter Nineteen

IwasstillalittleangrywithGarrickwhenIleftthatnight,butwhenhewalkedmetomy

door,andaskedwhatIwasdoingthenextday,Iwasn’tangryenoughtoblow himoff.Cade

wasn’tspeakingtome,andIhadn’theardfromKelsey,soItoldhim Iwasfree,andwemade

plansfordinneratmyplace.

I slept in until noon, my bed too comfortable for me to pry myself out of it. ThenI

distracted myself with an extra long shower, followed by homework, then a book.When I

checkedtheclock,itwasstillonly3P.M.

Igrabbedmycomputer,andsearched,“PhiladelphiaTheatre.”

Ifoundatheatrealliancewebsitethatgaveinfoonabunchoftheatresinthecity,aswell

as job postings and auditions. I clicked through, seeing what shows were currentlyrunning

where,readingjobdescriptions,andbookmarkingafewpages.

My cell rang, but it sounded far off. I tried following the sound, but the ringingended

beforeIwasabletonarrowitdownfurtherthanthelivingroom.Luckily,whoeverwascalling

waspersistent,andcalledagainafewmomentslater.Itwasde initelysomewherenearthe

couch. I pulled back cushions, but found nothing. I checked underpapers and books, still

nothing.Finally,Idroppedtothegroundandpeeredunderthecouch.Thereitwas,lightingup

thedustydarknessbeneathmyfurniture.Andrightbesideit,glaringatme,wasHamlet.

That brief interlude of sweetness I’d seen from her at the shelter had yet to make

anotherappearance.AndIhadnodoubtthatshe’dsomehowdraggedmyphoneunderneath

theretospiteme.

“Listen, cat, I don’t know why you hate me so much, but you must have missed the

memo.Irescuedyou.”Flatonmystomach,Isqueezedmyselfbeneaththecouch,reachingfor

myphone.“You’resupposedtobethankful”

Whenmyhandgotcloser,sheletouthernowfamiliarlowgrowl.

“Yeah,yeah,shutup.”

Ihadtopushhalfmybodyintothecrevicebetweenthefurnitureandthe loortoreach

myphoneandgettingoutwasevenmoreuncomfortablethangettingin.

2missedcallsfromMOM.

Igroaned.Ishouldhavejustleftitunderthecouch.Atthatmoment,itrangagain,forthe

thirdtime.Ianswered,“HiMom.”

“Whydidn’tyouanswerthefirsttwotimes?Iseverythingokay?”

“I’mfine,Mom.Ijustcouldn’tfindmyphone.”

“Oh,well,youshouldreallyhaveaspotthatyouputiteverytimeyoucomehome,that

wayyoualwaysknowwhereitis.”

“I’llkeepthatinmind,Mom.”
“So,yourdisorganizationisoldnews.Whatelseishappeninginyourlife?”Iswear,my

mother was the only person in the world who didn’t think I was a neurotic controlfreak

becauseshewasinfinitelyworse.Sheaskedtheinevitablequestion,“Haveyoumetanyone?”

Irolledmyeyes,whichInevercouldhavegottenawaywithfacetoface.

“I’mprettybusywithschool,Mom.Iactuallyjustgotcastasaleadinaplay.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said mildly. She thought going into theatre was a waste of my

intelligence.

“It’sactuallykindofabigdeal.”

“Ofcourseitishoney.YoujustknowhowyourfatherandIworry.We’dfeelsomuch

betterifyouhadsomeonetotakecareofyoufinancially.”

Therewasaknockatthedoor,andIwenttoansweritasIspoke.“Firstofall,financial

securityisnotagoodenoughreasontogetmarried,Mother,evenifitmakesyoufeelbetter.

Secondly,Idon’tneedaguytotakecareofme.Icantakecareof myself.”Garrickwasonthe

othersideofthedoor,almostanhourearly,andhegot tohearthetailendofmyspeech.He

raised an eyebrow, smiling, and if I could havereached through my phone to throttle my

mother,Iwouldhave.“Anyway,Ineedtogo,Mom.Ihavecompany.”

“Isitmalecompany?”

Igroanedandsaid,“Goodbye.”

Hangingupfeltsogood.Iwastemptedtocallherbackanddoitasecondtime.

Garricksmiled,“Yourmumsoundsalotlikemine.”

Iglaredathim.“You’reearly.”I’djustpulledmyhairintoawetponytailthis morning.I’d

been planning on straightening it before he came, but now I just lookedfrumpy. And after

crawlingunderthecouch,Iwasdusty,too.

“Isthatokay?”

Itwouldprobablybeprettyrudetotellhimtogohomeandcomebackinanhour.

“No,it’s ine.YoucanwatchTVorsomething.Ijustneedasecond.”Iwavedhim intothe

livingroom,andslippedintomybedroom,wonderinghowmuchimprovementIcoulddoin

fiveminutes.

Ipulledthebandoutofmyhair,andlookedatthewavy,dampmessIhadtowork with.

Therewasnotimetodryitandstraightenit.AndifIdrieditwithoutstraighteningit,I’dhave

a luffballforhair.Iusedmyhandstomessitupalittlemore,scrunchingitupinmyhands,

hopingthecurlylookwoulddo.Iworkedalittlebitofmousseintoit,butthatwasallIhad

timefor.Iputonaquickcoatofmascaraandsomechapstick,hopinghewasokaywiththeau

naturallook.

When I came out of my room, he was stretched out on my couch, watching TV, and

Hamletwascurledintoatightballonhischest.Istoodthereinshock,certainIwasdreaming.

He turned, and saw me watching. “Hey, your hair is curly.” I nodded. I almost always

woreitstraight.Hesaid,“Ilikeit.”

Iwasstillstuckonthefactthatmycatwasperchedhappilyonhischest…purring.He

hadmagicpowers.Thatwastheonlyanswer.

“Comehere,”hesaid,sittingup,andshiftingHamletintohislap.Isatdowngingerly, a

fewfeetaway.

IpointedatHamlet,andsaid,“Howdidyoudothat?”

“Dowhat?”

“Gethertoletyouholdher.”

“It’saher?”heasked.

“Yes,andshehateseveryone.Especiallyme.”

“Yourowncathatesyou?”

“We’reworkingoutourissues.”

Helaughed.“Maybeshe’smiffedthatyougaveheraboy’sname.”

Ireachedoutahandtopether,andasalways,receivedagrowlformytroubles.Garrick

thought Hamlet’s hatred of me was hilarious. And he kept holding her, whichmeant I was

relegatedtotheoppositecushionbecausemycathadstolenmy…whateverhewas.

Ugh.ThatwassomethingIdidn’twanttothinkabout.Imean,obviously,itwasa secret

relationship, so it wasn’t like we necessarily needed labels, but Iwascurious. What would

happenwhentheyearwasup?Wouldweevenlastthatlong?

Igotuptostartdinnertodistractmyself.

ImadespaghettibecauseitwastheonlythingItrustedmyselfnottoscrewupwhenI

wasnervous.Andwell…IwasalwaysnervousaroundGarrick.Heapparentlyhadtheopposite

effectonHamlet,whowasfastasleepinhislap.

IsawmywindowofopportunityforwhatI’dbeencravingsincehearrived.

Ileftthefoodcookingonthestove,andmademywaytothecouch.Ididn’tsitforfearof

wakingupthemoodyone,butI placed a hand on his shoulder, and leaned downfor a kiss.
SincehishandsweretrappedbeneathHamlet,Igottocontrolthekiss.Myhandsfoundhis

hair, which was as addicting and soft as always, and the kiss deepened.I kissed him hard,

becauseIcould,andhemadenoefforttostopme.ItwasthekissI’dwantedthenightbefore

thathe’drefusedtogiveme.

I didn’t want to pull back, but I did have dinner on. His eyes were dark when we

separated.“Ithinkyoumightbealittleevil,”hesaid.

Ilaughed.“Yes,Iplannedthisall.Hamletwasinonit,aswell.”

“Kissmeagain.”

Hedidn’thavetoaskmetwice.

Everytimewekissed,mycon idencegrewstronger.ThelongerIknewhim,thebolderI

became.Ilikedit…almostasmuchasIlikedhim.

Someone knocked on the door, three loud raps, followed by three more only seconds

later.Ourbreathwasstillshortfromthekiss,andIwasn’tsureifthetoo-quick-thump ofmy

heartwasduetoGarrickortheshock.

“Areyouexpectingsomeone?”hewhispered.

Ishookmyhead.

Threemoreknocks,andthenKelseyyelledthroughthedoor,“Iknowyou’rehere,Bliss!

Openup!”

“Shit.”

ImadenoefforttobegentleasIpickedHamletupfromGarrick’slap,andploppedher

onthecouch.Ialmostdidn’tevennoticethegrowl;ithadbecomesocommonplace.

IgrabbedGarrick,andpulledhimtohisfeet.Ihadnoideawheretoputhim,butdecided

thebathroomwasprobablybetterthanthebedroom,seeingasitactuallyhadadoor.

Ipushedhiminsidewithaquick,“I’msorry.I’llgetridofher,Ipromise.”

Ifonlywehadgonetohisplace.

Irubbedatmylips,hopingtheyweren’tasswollenastheyfelt.Iranahandovermyhair,

andwhenIwascertaintherewasnothingglaringlyoutofplace,Iopenedthedoor.

Kelseybreezedpastme,“It’saboutdamntime.Whatwereyoudoing?”

Ifakedayawn.

“Oh,youknow,justlazingaround.”

Sherolledhereyes,andlookedatmelikeIwasthefrustratingone.

“It’s a good thing I came over then. I’m not about to let you stay home on a Saturday

nightmopingaboutthethingwithCade.”

Shesnatchedmywrist,andpulledmeintomybedroom.So,thebathroomhadbeenthe

rightchoice.

“I’mnotmoping!”Isaid.“AndhowdoyouknowaboutthethingwithCade?”

“Becauseeveryoneknows,honey.Which,btw,I’mpissedthatyoudidn’ttellmeall that

dramawashappening.”

Great.

“There’sreallynotthatmuchdrama.We’llpatchthingsupsoon,I’msure,”Isaid.
“Oh honey, you didn’t hear? Cade almost turned down the role in Phaedra. He didn’t,

thankGod.Rustytalkedhimoutofit.ButIwouldn’tcallthat‘notmuchdrama.’”

Isankontomybed,myinsidestwistinglikeawrungoutrag.Cadewasthatupset?He

wouldgiveupthatgreatofapartjustsothathedidn’thavetobearoundme?

Kelsey’svoicecametomefrommycloset,andIhaddéjà-vuofthenightthatthiswhole

thingstarted.Shestartedpullingouttopsandskirts,andIasked,“Whatareyoudoing?”

“We’regoingout.Youneedtorememberthataworldexistsoutsideyourapartment.”

“No, Kelsey, I’d really rather not.” I thought about Garrick in my bathroom, and

wonderedifhecouldhearus.

“Tough shit. I’m not giving you a choice. I haven’t been dancing forever, and I need a

wing-woman.”

Igroanedandfloppedbackonmybed.Shedroppedaskirtonmyface.

“Getdressed.”

ThenIrememberedtheperfectexcuse,“Ican’t.I’vegotdinnercooking.”

“Great.I’mstarving.Whatarewehaving?”

SometimesIthoughtmylifewouldbeeasierifIwerefriendless.

Ireturnedtothekitchen,andshefollowed.I’dleftthesauceonalittletoolongandithad

burntaroundtheedges.Somuchfornotscrewingupspaghetti.

“Geezwoman,wereyouplanningtoeatawayyourtroubles?Youmadeenoughforthree

people!”Ijustshrugged.IhadnothingtoexplainwhyIwascookingfortwopeople(onewitha

verylargeappetite).

Iputalittlebitofspaghettionourplates,tryingtoleavesomeforGarrick,eventhoughI

hadnoideawhenhe’dgettoeatit.

Iatequickly,lettingKelseydominatetheconversation,whichwasabouthowlongithad

beensinceshe’dhadreallygoodsex.Inoddedalong,laughingintherightplaces, shoveling

foodintomymouththeentiretime.Iclearedmyplatebeforeshe’devenmadeadentonhers.

Iplacedmyplateinthesink,andthenheadedforthehallway.

“Whereareyougoing?”Kelseyasked.
Icalled“Bathroom!”overmyshoulder,andkeptwalking.

WhenIreachedthedoor,Iglancedovermyshoulder,gladto indKelseypreoccupied

withherspaghetti,andIslippedinsidetheroom.

“Isshegone?”Garrickasked.

“Ssshhh!” He was leaning against the sink, and I reached around him to turn on the

faucettocoverourwhispers.“No.I’msorry.She’sactuallyeatingourspaghetti.”

Hislipspuckered,andIleanedforward,smotheringmylaughagainsthischest.

“Issheleavingsoon?”

Ipeeredupathim,butstayedcloseagainsthim.

“No.ShethinksI’mdepressedaboutCade,andshe’sdeterminedtoforcemetogoout.”

Hepulledmetohim,andpressedhisfaceintothespacewheremyneckcurvedintomy

shoulder.HeletoutagrowlthatwasoddlyreminiscentofHamlet.

Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhim,justasdisappointed.“Iknow.Thissucks.”

AsifI’dgivenhimtheidea,hislipscoveredmypulsepoint,suckingsoftly.Ilaughed,and

pushedhimback.

“Garrick,she’srightoutside.”

Asifoncue,Kelseyknockedatthedoor.

“Enoughstalling,chica!I’vepickedoutyourout it!”Thedoorknobstartedturning,andI

rushedtointercepther.

Ikeptmyfootinthewaysothatonlyacrackofspaceformed.

Isaid,“I’mnotstalling,justgettingready.Handmetheclothes,andI’llgetchanged.”

Shelookedsuspiciousatmyfeignedexcitement.Iwasneverexcitedwhenshedragged

me out like this. I kept smiling, like maybe the stress had gotten to me, and I’djust inally

cracked.

She passed me the clothes, and before she had a chance to reply, I pushed the door

closed,andlockeditasquietlyasIcould.

When I turned around, Garrick was slumped onto the toilet. I switched on the radio,

turningitupasloudasIcouldstand,andturnedoffthefaucet.

“I’msorry,Garrick.”

Sitting,hisheadwaslevelwithmychest,andherestedhishandsonmyhips,pullingme

forward.

“It’sokay,love.Thiswasboundtohappensoonerorlater.”

“Iwishyoucouldcomewithme.”

“Metoo,love.Butit’sokay.We’llhavedinneranothertime.Youshouldgetchanged. The

sooneryougetoutofhere.Thelesslikelywearetogetcaught.”

Inodded.MyhandsshookslightlyasIpulledtheclothestomychest.

Hesaid,“I’llclosemyeyes.”AndIdroppedaquick,thankfulkissonhischeek

Smiling,heclosedhiseyes,andthenleanedhiselbowsonhiskneesandhisfaceintohis

hands.AsquicklyasIcould,Iwhippedoffmyshirt,andshruggedoffmyshorts.Ipulledablack

tanktopovermyhead,andthenpickeduptheskirt.

Mystomachdropped.

ItwasthatGod-awful,horrendouslyshortminiskirt.Imusthavemadeanoisebecause

Garrickraisedhishead.Hekepthiseyesclosedasheasked,“Everythingokay?”

Isaid,“Yes.’

EventhoughIwasthinkinghellno.

Islippedontheskirt,anditwasjustasshortasIremembered.Isighed.Therewasno

wayIcouldwearthis.

ItouchedahandtoGarrick’sshoulder,meaningtotellhimthatIwasgoingtogooutside

to indsomethingelse,buthiseyesopenedand ixedonmylegs,whichsuddenlyfeltweak,

likepoolsoffabricinsteadofmuscleandfleshandbone.

One of his hands curled around to tickle at the back of my knee, and I had to steady

myselfwithahandonhisshouldertokeepfromcollapsing.

“You’retryingtokillme,aren’tyou?”Hechoked.“Isn’tthistheskirtyoutold meyou’d

neverwear?”

“AndIwon’tbewearingittonight.I’mgoingbacktomyroomtofindsomethingelse.”

Iturned,andhisotherhandtouchedmythigh.“Wait.”

Hishandstraileduptotheindecentlyshorthem,andaroundtothebackofmythighs,

inchesbelowthecurveofmybutt.

“You. Are.Unbelievably.Sexy.” His voice was so low it rumbled, and I could feel the

vibrationssoakingintomyskin.Heleaneddownandpunctuatedeachwordwithachastekiss

upthesideofmythigh.Icouldhavebeenclayinhishands,thewayhewascontrollingme.If

hehadtried,Imighthavegivenupmyvirginitytohimthereinthebathroomwithoutmuchof

afight.

ButKelsey’sfistpoundedonthedoor,snappingmeoutofmylust.

“Damn,Bliss.Wouldyouhurryitupalready?”

Withherwords,camebackmyfear.Sure,hethoughtIwassexynow.Butvirginswere

prettymuchtheleastsexythingsever.Wouldhechangehismindwhenhefoundout?

“Ihavetogo.I’msorry.There’sprobablyspaghettistillleftoverifyouwantsomeafter

weleave.I’ll…I’llcallyou,okay?”

Henodded,hiseyesstilldark,unwavering.

Itumbledoutintothehallway,amessofhormonesandemotions.Iwassodistracted

thatIdidn’tevenrememberI’dintendedtochangeuntilIwasalreadybuckledintoKelsey’s

carandwewereonourwaytotheclub.

Chapter Twenty

Ecstasy,theclub,wasdarkandhazywhenweentered.Thebeatofthemusicpounded

through the walls and the loor, seeping into my skin, setting me on edge. This wasn’t my

sceneatall,butKelseylovedit.I iguredallIhadtodowashangoutatthebar,maybechat

withaguyortwososhe’dgetoffmyback.Thenshe’dprobablygohomewithsomeguyand

leavemehercar.That’showthesethingsusuallywent.

What I hadn’t anticipated was the way my change in attire would change the normal

plan.Wewerebarelyinthedoorsforaminutebeforeaguyhadaskedmetodance.Ideclined,

whichearnedmeaglarefromKelsey.

“What?”Ishoutedoverthemusic.“YousaidIhadtocome,notthatIhadtodance!”

Westoodatthebar,andIworkedtoflagdownabartender,whilesheberatedme.

“YouarethemostinfuriatingpersonIhaveevermet!Youlooksmokinghottonight, and

allyou’regoingtodoissitoverhereandpoutlikealways!”

“Thenmaybeyoushouldhaveletmestayhomeandpout!”

Aguytappedonmyshoulder,andIdidn’tevenwaitforhimtoaskbeforeIsaid,“NO!”

Kelsey ixed her hands on her hips, and for a Barbie look-a-like, she was still pretty

intimidating. “I realize you are upset, and you’ve got a lot going on. I’m tryingto be

understanding,butwhatisyourproblem?”

“Idon’thaveaproblem,Kelsey.Ijustdon’tlikethatyouthinkyoucandragme places

withoutanyconcernforwhatIactuallywant!”

“Fine!Nevermind!Igiveup!Sithereandpout!I’mgoingtodance!”

She spun around and pushed through the crowd, spilling several drinks and knocking

peopleoutofherway.

ScaryBarbie.

Iinchedontoastool,consciousofthefactthatmyshortskirtmadeitsothatmybare

legsweregluedtotheplastic.Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifmyasswashangingout,butatthe

momentIwastoopissedofftocare.IorderedaJackandCoke,andsatthereseethingwhileI

waited.Iknewshemeantwell,butthesolutiontoalltheworld’sproblemswasnotpartying.

I’d always known we were very different people,but I’d never realized just how much she

didn’tunderstandme.

“CanIbuyyouadrink?”Avoiceaskedovermyshoulder.

Iheldupmyfulldrink,andignoredhim.

The guy took a seat beside me anyway. He leaned in to ask me something else, and I

snapped,“I’mnotinterested!”

Thenafamiliarvoiceanswered.“I’mgladtohearthat.”

InearlyfelloffmystoolwhenIpickeduptheaccent.
“Garrick!”

Garrickwastheguysittingnexttome,acappulleddownlowoverhiseyes,coveringhis

gorgeousblondhair.

Hehadn’tsoundedlikeGarrickwhenhe’dfirstspoken.“Yousounded—“

When he answered this time his accent was gone, and he sounded American. No

particulardialect,just…normal.“Iamanactor,Bliss.Iknowhowtocovermyaccent.”

Stillinshock,Iasked,“Whatareyoudoinghere?Whatifsomeoneseesyou?”

“I’mincognito,sortof.Andifanyonedoes,I’lljustsayweranintoeachotherbychance.

I’maprofessor.Ididn’ttakeavowtohavezerosociallife.”

“Butwhy?”

“BecauseIcouldn’tstomachthethoughtofyoudancingwithanyoneelseinthatskirt.”

Hishandgrazedmythigh,andalltheheatfromearliercamerushingback.

“Garrick,stop!Someoneisgoingtosee!WhatifKelseycomesback?”

“Basedontheshowyouguysputonearlier,Idon’tseethathappeninganytimesoon.”

Icringed.MaybeIhadbeenalittlebitchy.

“Comeon.”Hestoodup,andofferedmeahand.Ilookedaround,scaredtotakeit.Itwas

so dark. If there was someone here we knew, we would have no way of knowingunless we

camefacetoface.Thiswastoobigofachance.

“Stopthinkingsomuch,”hetoldmeandwrappedanarmaroundmywaistslidingmeoff

theseat.Thebareskinofmythighssqueakedembarrassinglyagainsttheseat,buthedidn’t

seemtonoticeorcare.Hethreadedourfingerstogetherandpulledmeintothecrowd.

Ikeptmyheaddown,concentratingonputtingmyfeetwherehishadjustbeen.Heled

medownafewstepsontoalowerlevel,whereitwassomehowevendarker,andthebodies

were pressed tighter together. I couldn’t see anyone but the people right next to me. He

weavedandpulleduntilwewereinthefurthestcorner,thenpulledmebetweenhimandthe

wall.Hisbackwastotherestoftheroom,andhistallformcoveredmecompletely.

Hisbreathtickledagainstmyearashewhispered,“Better?”

Inodded.Itwasbetter.Imean,wewerestillinaclubandIwouldratherhavebeenat

homealone,butalreadythiswasthebestclubexperienceI’deverhad.

Evenknowinghowhefeltaboutme,Iwastoonervoustodancewithhimfacetoface.So

Iturneduntilmybackwaspressedagainsthisfront.Hishandswentimmediatelytomyhips,

pullingmeagainsthim.Thesensationchasedalltheairoutofmylungs.

IclosedmyeyessoIdidn’thavetostareatthewallandItriedtoletthemusicswoop

through me. Slowly, his hips tilted forward, and I followed, pushing back againsthim. He
exhaledagainstmyear,anditsentshiversdownmyspine.Heslidahandfrommyhiptomy

stomach.Withhis ingerssplayed,histhumbrestedaboutaninchbelowmybraandhispinky

trailedthewaistbandofmyskirt.Heusedthathandtopullmeintohimatthesametimethat

herolledhiships.

Starsdancedbehindmyclosedeyesandmyheartbeatmatchedthesteadythrumofthe

music. His body against mine seemed to magnify the already heated room, and I feltsweat

begintodampenmyneck.Hishipskeptrollingtothemusic,slowlyandsensually,butevery

onceandawhileonastrongbeat,hishipswouldpushharderagainstmine.Hislipstouched

theskinofmyneck,andIwasfalling,falling,fallingintothefeeling.

Itwasn’tenough.WouldIeverhaveenoughofhim?Ireachedmyhandsupandbehind

me, tangling in his hair, and he hummed his approval. The hand on my stomach cameup,

runninglightlyfrommyraisedarmdownmyside.Hegrazedthesideofmybreast,andthe

touchsenttremorsthroughme,whichwereampli iedwhenhis ingerspassedtheindecent

skirtandgrippedmythigh.

The song changed, but we didn’t. His hands kept driving me crazy. Our bodies stayed

tightlypressedtogether.IwasstillsoturnedonIfeltdizzywithwant.Thewholeworldwas

spinning,andonlywewerestill.Ormaybeitwasuswhowerespinning.AllIknewwasthat

therewaseveryoneelseandthentherewasus,andIneverwantedittobeanyotherway.

Hefoundthatspotbelowmyear,andImoaned,gladforthemusicthatswallowedthe

sound.Henippedatmyneckwithhisteeth,andIdugmy ingernailsintohisneckinresponse.

“God,Bliss,doyouhaveanyideahowbadlyIwantyou?”

Ourhipsrolledagain,andIwascertainIhadaprettygoodidea.

The song ended, and I’d had about all I could take. I slipped my phone out of my bra

whereithadbeenconvenientlytucked.Garrickgroanedandpulledourhipstogetheragainin

response,butIwasfocusedonmyphone.Myhandswereshaking,butIstillmanagedtotype

outatexttoKelsey.

Metsomeone.Leaving.Sryabtearlier.Talk2utom?

Ididn’twaitforareplybeforeIpulledGarricktowardtheexit.
Foronce,Ididn’tcarehowfasthewewentonhismotorcycle.Ijustheldtight,andtried

towillushomefaster.

His lips were on my neck before I even got the key in my door. My breathing was so

heavyitcouldonlybecalledpanting.WhenI inallygotthedooropen,Ipusheditsohardthat

itslammedagainstthewall.TomorrowI’dhavetocheckandmakesuretherewasn’tahole.As

soonasthedoorwasclosed,wewerekissing.

Ihadtuggedmyheelsoffbetweenthemotorcycleandmydoor,andnowwithoutthem,

he was too far away. The thought must have occurred to us at the same time, becausehis

handsleftmythighs,andcuppedmyass,liftingmesothatIhadtowrapmylegsaroundhis

waist.

My back slammed against the door, and I gasped. His tongue snaked into my mouth,

plunginginandout,fastandhard—exactlythewayIlikedit.

“Bed,”Igaspedbetweenkisses.

Heleanedbacklongenoughtosay,“Areyousure?”Thenwewerekissingagain,and the

rhythmhesetwasjustasseductive and hypnotizing as the music had been in theclub. He

askedagain,“Bliss,areyousure?”

WasIsure?Whywasheaskingmequestions?DidherealizeIjustwantedtokisshim?I

wantedtokisshimuntiltherestoftheworldfellaway.

“Bed,”Isaidagain.

“That’snotananswer.”Hemovedtowardthebedroomanyway.

Iclungtohimtightly,transferringmykissestohisjawandthenhisnecksothathecould

concentrateonwalking.

SomehowIstillmanagedtogetcaughtinthecurtains.

Likeliterallycaught.

Myearringcaughtonthesheermaterial,andIdidn’tnoticeuntilhekeptwalking.Pain

lancedthroughmyearandthesideofmyhead.Iyelpedinresponse.

“What?I’msorry!What’swrong?WhatdidIdo?”

“Ear.”Apparently,I’dbeenreducedtoone-wordsentences.

“Damn.Holdstill.”

Hetriedtousebothhandstofreemyearring,butthenwelostbalance,andbothofus

slammedintothesideofmydresserthatsatjustinsidemybedroom.

Judging by the way my elbow was smarting, I was going to have one hell of a bruise

tomorrow.

Whenthepainsubsided,Ilaughed,becauseasusual,mylifewasridiculous.Andasluck

wouldhaveit,itwasoneofthosehalflaughhalfsnorthybrids.Webothlaughed,gaspingfor

breath for an entirely different reason now. My side was aching from wherewe hit the

dresser.Myearringwasstillattachedtothecurtain,andmylegswerestillaroundhiswaist.

Betweenlaughs,Garrickpressedasweetkisstomyforehead.

Mayberidiculouswasn’tsobad.

“Okay,let’sgetyouuntangled.I’mgoingtoputyoudown,okay?”

Heloweredmegentlythe loor,andmystampedingpulsebegantoslow.Hetriedfor a

fewminutestofreeme,buthis ingerswerelargeandclumsy.Finally,Isaid, “Justundothe

earring.I’llgetitoutofthecurtaintomorrow.”

Laughing,hedidasIasked.

Whereasbefore,I’dfeltlikeIwasburningupinourkiss.Now,warmthspreadthrough

methatwasdifferent,sweeter.Candlelightinsteadofopenflame.

Herubbedattheshoulderthathadhitthedresser,andsaid,“We’rekindofamess.”

Ipinchedmyfingerstogether,andsaid,“Littlebit.”

Hecurledahandaroundmyneck,andpulledmeforward,pressinganotherkisstomy

forehead.Iclosedmyeyes,thinkingthatthiswaswhatperfectionfeltlike.

“Ithinkmaybethecurtaindidusafavor.Yourlegsinthatskirtprettymuchkilled allmy

self-control.”

Ismiled.“ItoldyouthatInevershouldhavewornit.”

“Oh, I’m de initely glad you wore it. It’s a memory I’ll cherish for a very long time.”I

slapped him on the arm, but I didn’t mind the cheeky smile. He said, “I should probablygo

now,beforeyoumakemelosemymindagain.”

Ilethimgo,eventhoughalargepartofmewasscreaminginprotest.Andwhenhewas

gone,IcelebratedinmuchthesamewayIhadwhenIlearnedI’dgottencastasPhaedra.

Idanced.

Because…finally…thingsweregoingright.

Chapter Twenty-One

Thingsweresowrong.

ThefirstPhaedrareadthroughwasadisasterofepicproportions.Evenaftertwoweeks,

Cadewouldn’tspeaktomeatallbeforewestarted,anditseemedeveryoneinthecastwason

hisside,basedontheglaresIwasgetting.Andthoughread-throughstendedtobeabitstale

sinceeveryonewassittingaroundatable,thisonewasworsethanweek-oldpizza.

Every once and while, Eric would shake his head, and I could practically see him

thinking,whathappenedtothepeopleIcastlastweek?

Eachscenekeptgettingworselikeascrewgoinginatthewrongangle,butwejustkept

going,tryingtomakesomethingworkthatwouldclearlynot.

Whenitwasover,Ifeltde lated.Ihadbeensoexcitedaboutthisplay.I’dbeen waiting

forsomethinglikethissincefreshmanyear,andnowitwashereanditwasunbearable.

Eric faked some optimism, saying things would be smoother on stage. I don’t think

anyonebelievedhim.

Andiftheydid,thatmisplacedhopedwindledwhenwehadour irstrehearsalonstage,

whichifpossible,wasevenworse.TheuneasebetweenCadeandIseemedtopermeatethe

entirecastuntileveryonewasstiffandonedge.

Classesweren’tmuchbetter.

Cadestayedfarawayfromme,andKelseywasstillangry,soIwasdisprovingthatquote

aboutnomanbeinganisland.Iwastotallyalone.

ExceptforGarrick.

Iwasterri iedbythedepthofmyfeelingsforhim.Thingsweretoogood.Nothinginlife

was this amazing, at least not in my life. He stopped me after Senior PrepWednesday

morning,“Bliss,waitonesecond.”

Itookmytimepackingupmystuff,waitingforeveryoneelsetoleavethecomputerlab.

WhenwewerealoneIasked,“What’sup?”

Hesmiled,“Nothing.”

Thenhepressedmeintothecomputertablebehindmeandkissedme.

Igaspedinshock,andhistonguestormedmymouth.Ididnothing,butblink,andthen

he had me lifted up onto the table, his hips itted between my open thighs, andhis mouth

burnedagainstmyown.

Therewasnoslownesstothiskiss.Itwasafrenzied,stolenmoment,andIwasspinning

withwant.Iclungtohim,certainIwasabouttofalltopiecesinhisarms,andthenhepulled

back.

Ihadtoconcentrateonbreathingforseverallongsecondsbeforeitevenoccurredtome

to be mad. I swatted his bicep, “Are you crazy? What were you thinking? Whatif someone
walkedin?”Ipushedhimseveralfeetaway,andhoppedoffthetable,mylegsunsteadyagainst

thefloor.

“Iwasthinkingthatyoulookedentirelytoosexyforthisearlyinthemorning.”

Isteeledmyglare,“I’mserious,Garrick.”

“So am I,” He said. He took me by the elbow and pulled me into the far corner of the

room, where we couldn’t be seen from the door, and we’d have warning if anyone entered.

“Whenitcomestoyou,Bliss,I’mveryserious.”

WasheimplyingwhatIthoughthewasimplying?Thelookinhiseyeswasdangerous.I

couldn’tthinkstraightwhenhewassoclosetome.Hetriedtopullmeintoanotherkiss,but

evenoutofsightfromthedoor,Iwastooscared,tooafraid.Itfeltlikethat irstnighttogether

onmybedalloveragain.Wasthisme?WasIreadyforsomethinglikethis?

Iturnedmyhead,andhislipsfoundmyneckinstead.

Everythingwasjustsoconfusing.

HowcouldIwantsomethingsobadlyandnotwantitatthesametime?

Apartofmewantedtofoldmyarmsaroundhim,andprayforhislipsnevertoleavemy

skin.Andapartofmewantedtorunscreamingintheotherdirection.

Thesecondpartcameoutontop.

Ipulledoutofhisembrace,andheldupahandtokeephimfromfollowingme.“Ican’t.I

havetogo.Iwanttotryand indCadebeforerehearsaltonight,seeifwecan’tworkthings

out.”

ThenIfledthelab,myskinstillburningfromhistouch.

CadewasalreadygonebythetimeImadeittothegreenroom,andIdidn’tmanageto

gethimalonefortherestoftheday.Ithoughtaboutaskingtotalktohimbeforerehearsal,but

everyonewasaround,staring,andItruthfullyjustdidn’thavetheenergy.

Butthatmeantthatourthirdrehearsalstartedjustaspoorlyasalltherest.

Eric, who had no idea of the offstage drama, was at a loss. I think he could tellthat it all

stemmed from Cade and I, which is why he sent us away. He said he justwanted to spend

sometimewiththechorus,butstillwantedustogetsomeworkdone.So,hesentusintoa
smallerworkshopspacetoworkalone…withGarrick.

Ithadtobeasignoftheapocalypse.Thingsthisterribleonlyhappenedwhentheworld

wasabouttoend.

IenviedGarrick’scomposure.Hedidn’tgiveanythingaway.

I,ontheotherhand,wasatrainwreckinhumanform.

Weranourfirstscenetogethertwice.CadewaslifelessandIwaspitiful.
NomatterhowmanytimesGarrickmutteredbetweenlines“Wakeup.”or“Intensity!”

or“Raisethestakes!”Wewerestillawful.

Garrick,whoknewwhatwewerebothcapableof,grewmoreandmorefrustrated.He

didn’tevenbotherfakingoptimism.

“Bothofyoutakefive.”

Iwentthebathroom,andsplashedmyfacewithwater.Thishadtostop.IfIcouldact

oppositeDom,IcouldcertainlyactoppositeCade,nomatterhowupsethewas.Hewasmy

bestfriend,butIhadtolearntoputmyemotionsasideandthinkofhimlikeanyoneelseifI

wantedtobeanactor.

Feelingalittlebetter,Imademywaybacktotheworkshoproom.

CadeandGarrickwerealreadyinsidetalking.

“Iknowthereispersonalstuffgoingonbetweenthetwoofyou,butyou’vegottoget

overit,”Garricksaid.

“I’mtrying.It’snotthatsimple.”

Garrick’sbackwastome,butIcouldseeCade’sface,whichwaspaleandcrumpled,likea

discardedpieceofpaper.Ichokedup,wishingthiswasalloverorthatithadneverhappened.

“You’renottryinghardenough.So,shedidn’treturnyourfeelings.That’slife.” Myjaw

dropped. How could he be so callous? Garrick, who had been so sweet and understanding

whenI’dcometohimaboutthissame ight?“Ithappens.You’vegottogrowup.Areyouan

actorornot?Youcan’tletyourfeelingsforherdictateyourlife.”

Mymouthwentdry,andahardlumpformedinmythroat.

Ipushedthedooropentherestoftheway,andsaid,“That’senough.”Theheatin my

voicesurprisedme,butitshouldn’thave.IhatedseeingCadehurt,andfinallyitwasn’tjustme

causing it. Garrick’s words had sunk under my skin, festering,and my hands were shaking

withanger.

Cadelookedhorrifiedatseeingme.

Garrickdidn’tlookguiltyatall,whichonlymademyangerburnhotter.Iwalked untilI

stoodbetweenthetwoguys,blockingCadefromsight.

“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness,”ItoldGarrick.

Heturnedtowardme,andhiswholefaceseemedtopulldownwithhisfrown.“Itismy

businesswhenyoubothbringyouroutsideissuesintorehearsal.”

Iknew,logically,Iknewthathewasright.AndIknewthathewasmyteacher,and this

washisjob,butthejudgmentinhistonecutmeallthesame.

AndIwantedtocuthimback.
“You’reprobablyright,”Isaid.“Mayberelationshipshavenoplacehereatall.It’s abad

ideatomixthem,don’tyouthink?”

Hewassocalm,whichmademewanttoshakehim.Iwantedtosinkmy ingersintohis

shoulderandshoveandpullandpush.

“Bliss,you’rebeingunprofessional.”

“I’mbeingunprofessional?Oh,that’srich,comingfromyou!”

“YouandIcantalkaboutthislater.”Hishandtouchedmyelbow,andIhatedthat even

angry,histouchmademykneesweak.Ipulledaway.

“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthislater.Ijustwantyoutodirect.Iwantyoutostayoutof

mybusinesswithCade.Doyouhearme?Doyouunderstand?Stayoutofit.That’sallIwant

fromyou.”

Finally,somethinginhiscalmexpressioncracked.Hisjawclenched,andforasecondhe

screwed his eyes shut. It didn’t feel as good as I thought it would to see himaffected. And

alreadyIwantedtotakeitback.

“Fine.”Hethrewhishandsupandrepeated,“Fine.Asadirector,bothofyouneed toget

your shit together before next rehearsal, unless you’d like us to start lookingat your

understudies.You’redismissed.”

Thedoorslammedonhiswayout,andIheardtheechoagainandagaininmymind.I

wassostupid.ThiswasSOstupid.

I’dalmostcompletelyforgottenCadewasthereuntilhesaid,“Holyshit,Bliss.He’sthe

guy?”

Icouldhavedeniedit.Icouldhavetoldhimthewholestory.Icouldhaverun.ButIfelt

toohollowedouttomove.Islumpedontomyknees,wrappingmyarmsaroundmy middle

likethatwouldsomehowholdmetogether,likeifIheldhardenough,thepainwouldn’tcreep

in.

Butitdid.

AndtheemptyspacesinmeweresuddenlyfullofthewordsIregrettedandtheshameI

feltandtheabsenceofhim.Therewasnothingmoretodo,butcry.

Itstreamedfrommeslowandsteady,risinglikethetide,washingawayeverythingI’d

lovedaboutourtimetogether.

Ahandtouchedmyshoulder,andIspunaround,hoping.

ItwasCade.

Slowandunsure,hekneltbesidemeandtookmeinhisarms.Ihesitatedforamoment,

knowinghowhefelt,knowinghowhardthismustbeforhim,knowingthatasusualhewas

toogoodtome.

ThenIcouldn’tresistanymore.Iwasalreadyselfish,whatwastheharm?

Iburrowedintohisarms,andletgo.Itwastheuglycryofalluglycries,butIdidn’tcare.

Becausemycapacitytoruingoodthingsknewnobounds.

“It’sokay,”Cadetoldme.“Itwasn’tthatbad.”

“Wasn’tthatbad?”Irubbedatmyeyes,andmyhandscamebacksmearedblack.“Maybe

incomparisontotheholocaust.Butasbreakupsgo,Ithinkitwasprettybad.”

Hestiffened.“Youguysweretogether?Likereallytogether?”

“Foracoupleweeks,technically,beforeIruinedit.”God,nowonderIwasavirgin. Imust

havebrokenawholeworldofmirrorsinapastlife.

Againstallodds,hehadactuallylikedme.DespitethefactthatIranoutonhimduring

sexwithaterribleexcuse.DespitethefactthatIstillwouldn’tsleepwithhim. Despite how

horrendouslyfuckingawkwardIwas.Helikedme.Isobbedagain,becauseitwasn’tfair.

“Youlikehimalot,don’tyou?”

Strugglingforbreath,Inodded.“Ido.Iknowit’scrazy.Iknowit’sstupid.But,but…we

metbeforehewasourprofessor,andIcan’tjustturnitoff.Itried.We tried.IguessI’llhaveto

turnitoffnow.”

Caderockedmebackandforth,andeventhoughitwasnice,itmademefeelyoungand

immature.Unprofessional,justlikeGarrickhadsaid.

“He’llforgiveyou,”Cadesaid.“Iwould.”

IwantedtoaskifthatmeantCadeforgavemenow,butIwastooafraid.SoIstayedinhis

arms,cryingandquiet,justincasethiswasonlyatemporaryreprieve,incasethiswasallI

wouldget.

Bythetimeweleftthestudio,rehearsalwasover,andeveryoneelsehadleft.Hewalked

meouttomycar,andIstartedtohope…tohopethatmaybewe’dbeokay.He didn’tkissme

onthecheeklikehewouldhavebefore.Herestedahandonmyshoulder.Andthoughitwas

different,itwasenough.

“Itwillbeokay,”Hesaid.AndIhopedhewastalkingabouteverything…aboutus, about

Garrick,aboutlife.

Ineededeverythingtobeokay.

Chapter Twenty- Two

IthoughtaboutgoingtohisplaceassoonasIgothome,buttruthbetoldIwasafraid.

Anditwassomucheasierjusttofeelsorryformyself.Ihadatubofchocolatechip cookie

dough ice cream in my freezer on hold for just such occasions. It wouldhave been nice to

shareitwithKelsey,butIcouldn’taffordtosharemysecretwith anotherperson,andIwasn’t

sel ishenoughtomakeCadewitnessanymoreofmypityparty.Hepromisedhewouldn’ttell

anyone,andIbelievedhim.

Isatononeendofmycouch,eyeingHamletspreadoutontheotherend.Iwonderedif

shemightcomfortme.Shehadbeennicetomeonlyonceatanothersadmoment,somaybeI

hadachance.Ireachedforher,andreceivednotjustherusualgrowl,butahisstoo.

ShewasclearlyonGarrick’sside.

Ithoughtaboutgoingtohimathousandtimes,maybeathousandandone.ButIhadto

faceit—hehadbeenoutofmyleaguefromtheverybeginning.Hewouldhavegottentiredof

meeventually,oncetheforbiddenfactorworeoff.AndIcan’tevenbegin tocontemplatewhat

mighthavehappenedifwe’dbeencaught.Eventhethoughtofitbroughtadrenalinerushing

throughme,likewhenhe’dkissedmeinthelabforanyonetosee.MaybeIwasdoingmyselfa

favor, severing the ties now. I mean, it sucked times seven billion, but it would have been

worseaftermoretime.

Inmydim,quietapartmentinmyicecreaminducedhaze,IcouldadmitthatIhadbeen

falling for him. Our oh-so-brief relationship had been like spending a day insunlight when

you’velivedyourwholelifeunderground(myformerselfbeingthemolemaninthisstory).

Maybethatwasallwegotwhenitcametorelationshipslikethat— lashesofsunlight.Maybe

itwastoobrighttobesustainedforanyextendedperiodoftime.MaybeIshouldbethankful.

Ididn’tfeelthankful.Ifeltmiserable(andfulloficecream).

We were in the lab again Wednesday, and he never came within three feet of my

workspace.Atrehearsalthatnight,hesatinthetoprowtakingnotes,andneversaidaword.

ThursdayandFridaywerethesame.Thoughtheactinginrehearsalshadimprovednow

thatCadeandIhadpatchedthingsup(sortof).Weweren’tquitefriendsagain.Ididn’tseeus

hangingoutaloneanytimeinthefuture,butwecouldtalkwithoutanymajordisasters,and

bothofourmindshadclearedenoughtofocusontheplay.

I returned to my mole man state on the weekend, never leaving my apartment,

showeringonlywhenabsolutelynecessary.Anyotherweekend,Kelseymighthaveforcedme

intoanouting,butshewasstillalittletickedaboutmyattitudeattheclub.

So,Iwasprettymuchalone.

Ihadnoone,butHamlet.Whohatedmewiththefireofathousandsuns.

I passed an entire week in a state of loneliness before I had the nerve to do anything

aboutit.

Idroppedbyduringhisof icehours,tooafraidtoconfronthimathomeorafterclass.

WhenIapproachedthedoor,hewasonthephone.

“Iknow,”Hewasnodding,smiling.“Iknow.I’llbehomebeforeyouknowit.What isit,

justthreemoremonths?”

Ifroze.Iplasteredmyselftothewalloutsidehisdoor,andmylungsseemedemptyno

matterhowmanybreathsItook.

“That?No,I’moverit.Itreallywasn’tanythingtobeginwith…justinconvenient.”

Somethingwascrumblinginsideme,somethingthathadalreadybeenvulnerableand

weak,butnowwasbreakingandbreaking.

“Ishouldhaveknownbetter.Iknow,butit’sovernow,andIdon’treallycareanymore,

youknow?Yeah,yeah.I’llfindanotherplacetowork.It’sjustnotworthit.”

Notworthit?

Ithink,untilthen,I’dstillhoped,eventhoughI’dtriedtotalkmyselfoutofit.

Hope…itwassuchamotherfucker.

Iwouldn’tcry.Hewasoverit.Ineededtobe,too.AndIneededtomakesurehe knewit.

If he was thinking about quitting to stay away from me, I had to ix that.I wouldn’t be the

reasonheleft.

Before I could change my mind, I reached out and knocked on the doorframe, and

steppedintotheopendoorway.

Helookedup,andstutteredoverwhateverhewasgoingtosaynext.Hestaredatmefor

asecond,thephoneforgotteninhishand.

Thenfinally,heblinked,andturnedbacktohisconversation.

“Hey,Ihavetogo.I’llcallyoulater,okay?”

I hated whoever was on the other end of that phone call. Was it a girl? Did he havea

girlfriend back in Philly? Had it been just a ling for him, just sex (or well,almost sex)?

Whoever it was spoke for another twenty seconds while he said yes andokay and nodded

along.

Whenhehungup,IstillhadnoideawhatIwasgoingtosay.

Hejustlookedatmeforamoment,andthensaid,“HowcanIhelpyou,Bliss?”

Hisformaltonemademequeasy,butItriedtocopyitasbestasIcould.“Ijustwantedto

apologizeformybehaviorduringourrehearsaltogether.CadeandIhaveworkedeverything

out—“

Heinterrupted,“Inoticed.”
My thoughts stuttered, leeing for the moment. “So… I, uh, I promise it won’t happen

again.Inthefuture,Iwillmaintainaprofessionalattitude.Iwon’tbringmypersonallifeinto

rehearsaloryourclassroom.”

Heputdownthepenhe’dbeentoyingwith,andstartedtostand.“Bliss…”

Whateverhewasgoingtosay,Icouldn’thearit.IfIhadtolistentohimtryto let me

downeasy(whenIknewhedidn’tcare),Iwouldendupcryingandmakingafoolofmyself.So

Icuthimoff.

“It’sokay.I’moverit.Nobigdeal,right?”

HepausedandIwascertainheknewIwaslying,certainhecouldseeintomychurning

stomach,mywringingheart.Iwilledhimtobelieveme.

I’mokay.I’moverit.I’mokay.Okay.Okay.

“Right,”hefinallysaid.

Isuckedinagreedybreath.

“Great. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day!” Then I was out the door and running,

running,runningdownthestairsoutintotheairwhereIcouldgulpand illmylungsuntilIno

longerfeltlikecrying.

Fromthenon,Ibuiltwallswithsmilesandclosedmyselfoffwithlaughs.Imadeupwith

Kelsey,promisingherIwouldgodancingwhenevershewanted.Ithrewmyselfintorehearsal,

memorizingallofmylinesoveraweekbeforetheoff-bookdate.IwilledmyselfintoMarch

like a soldier, moving forward, refusing to look back. Ericpraised my work in rehearsals,

sayinghecouldfeelmyshame,myself-hatredineveryword,couldseeitinevenmyposture.I

smiledandpretendedlikeIwasgladtohearit.

Isetmysightsongraduation,whenIwouldleaveandgowhoknowswhere.MaybeI’d

maxoutacreditcardandgotravelingwithKelsey.MaybeI’dgobackhomeandwork,save

somemoney.Momwouldjustlovethat.MaybeI’dstayhere,getajobatTargetorsomething.I

just had to get totheend.Thingswouldgeteasierthen.Then…Iwoulddeal.I’dtellKelsey

abouteverything,andwe’dpartythepainaway.Then.

Icouldn’twaitforThen.

Itseemedpossible.Itseemeddo-able.

UntiltheNowscrewedeverythingup.

We were one week away from Spring Break—a much needed break. Friday afternoon

ha dus all in the black box theatre for beginning directing scene workshops. The entire

department was gathered into the theatre—the Junior directors petri ied, everyoneelse

rangedfromboredomtosadisticglee.

I was just marching forward, willing the time to pass, until Rusty stood to make an

announcementbeforethefirstscene.

He cleared his throat, remarkably serious for Rusty. “So… I went to the doctor

yesterday…”

“Andyou’repregnant?”Someoneatthebackshouted.

“No,”Hesmiled,albeitasmallone.“Actually…Ihavemono.”

Therewasabeatbeforeitsankin.

“Thedoctorsaidthattheincubationisanywherebetweenfourandeightweeks,which

meansIcouldhavehaditasfarbackasJanuaryorFebruary.So…youmightwanttobecareful

aboutdrinkingafterpeopleand…otherthings.”

JanuaryorFebruary.Theparty.I’dkissedRustyatthatparty.We’dallkissed…everyone.

Byinstinct,myeyessoughtouttheothermembersofthatspinthebottlegame.Their

expressionswerejustasanxiousandfearfulasmyown.IfRustywasalreadycontagiousback

then,thatmeantIwouldhaveit,alongwithCade,andKelseyandVictoria,andeverypersonat

thatparty.

AndGarrick.

Damn.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I caught up to him as soon as the scenes were over. Actors milled about still in their

costumes. Professors congratulated their students, and everyone gravitated towardtheir

groups,makingplansfortheweekend.Everyoneelseseemedcalmandhappy,andIfeltlike

theworldwasending.WalkingtowardGarrickwasuptherewithwalkingintoaroom illed

withanthrax.

ButIdiditanyway.

Luckily, he wasn’t talking to anyone, just checking something on his phone. I stood

behindhimforafewmoments.Justbeingthisclosetohimaffectedme.Itreallywas like a

poison.Ibreathedhimin,andIcouldfeelitbreakingdownthewallsandprotectionI’dbuilt.

Idon’tknowifImadeanoiseorifhefeltmebehindhim,butheturnedandlookedatme.

For a split second, I thought he would smile. Then his expression changed,and he became

wary.Likehedidn’ttrustme.Thenhisfacewentblank.

Ihadalltheseemotionsandmemoriespushingagainstmybarricades,tryingtospillout

intotheopen.Helookedlikehecouldn’tcareless.

Iwantedtospititoutandrun,butIknewthatwasabadidea.It’snotexactlynormalto

warnyourprofessorthatyoumighthavegivenhimmono.

“Canwetalk…inprivate?”Iasked.

Helookedaroundtheroom,andIcouldimaginewherehiseyeswent.ToEricprobably.

Maybe to Cade. Or Dom. Whatever he was looking at, he stayed focused there as he said,“I

don’tthinkthat’sagoodidea,Bliss.”

Yeah,I’drunoutofgoodideasalongtimeago.

“Itwon’ttakelong,”Ipromisedhim.

Helookedatme, inally.IwantedtobelieveIsawasoftnessinhiseyes,butIcouldhave

imagined it. I did that all the time. All I had to do was close my eyes,and I could see him

reachingtowardme,hislipsmillimetersfrommyown.Butalways…alwaysIopenedmyeyes

anditwasn’treal.

A hand curved around my shoulder, and pulled me into a hug. It was Eric. He started

talking,aboutrehearsalsandcostumesandspringbreak,andallofthesethingsIjustdidn’t

haveroomforinmyhead.

IlookedatGarrick,smilingathisboss.Hissmilewastight,close-lipped.Whenwasthe

lasttimeIsawthatgorgeousgrin.

MaybeIdidn’thavetotellhim.Imean,Iwasn’tevensick.

It’snotlikehe’dmadeoutwithanyoneelsefromthatparty(Ihoped).AndifInevergot

sick,heneverhadtoknow.Plus,heclearlywantedtojustforgetourlittle lingeverhappened.

Imean,he’dtalkedaboutchangingjobsforChrist’ssake.Andeversincethen,I’dbeencareful
nottolookathimtoolongorstandtoocloseorgiveanyindicationthatIwasn’tasoverthis

as he was. Because as bad as thingswere,itwouldbein initely worse if he were just gone

altogether.

Yeah.I’dtellhimifIhadto.Noneedtobringitupifitwasn’tactuallyanissue.

Iexcusedmyself,saidgoodbyetoEricandGarrickboth.ThenIwentbacktopretending.

Atleastmyeducationwasgettingputtosomeuse,evenifInevermanagedtodoanything

elsewithit.Ittaughtmehowtolie.

***

ThelastdayofschoolbeforeSpringBreak,IwokeupexhaustedandwassocoldthatI

woreasweatertoGarrick’sclass,eventhoughitwasspringinTexas.Itwasprettyobvious,or

itshouldhavebeen,butIwassopre-occupiedwithsurvivingthedayandgettingtothebreak

thatIpushedasidemyunease.

Garrickletusgoearly,butnotbeforesaying,“Sorrytogiveyouguyshomeworkoverthe

break,butwhenyoucomeback—Iwantade initiveplanforwhatyou’redoingonMay23

whichforthoseofyounotlookingatyourcalendaristhedayafteryourgraduation.”

Dom snickered behind me, “Does still being drunk from the night before count as a

definitiveplan?”

Ididn’tevenhavetheenergytorollmyeyes.

“Some of you I will see tonight at rehearsal, and the rest—have a great spring break!

Don’tgetarrestedormarriedoranyofthatkindofthing!Enjoytherestofyourday.”

I think there was clapping, but my head felt a little fuzzy. I packed up my things,and

decidedIdidn’treallyneedtogototherestofmyclassestoday.Ishouldgo homeandtakea

nap.Anapsoundedgood.I’dbefineafterIsleptalittlelonger.

IfeltdizzyasItotteredtowardthedoor.

Ihadn’trealizedeveryonewasgoneuntilGarrickandIwerealone,andheasked,“Are

youokay,Bliss?”

Inodded.Myheadfeltlikeitwasfullofcotton.

“Justtired,”Itoldhim.Iwascoherentenoughtomakesuremyresponsewascarefully

neutral—not needy or bitchy. “Thanks though, have a good break!” My voice soundedfar

away,andittookallofmyconcentrationtogetoutofthedoorsandtomycar.

The drive home was a mystery. There had de initely been driving, but I couldn’t

rememberthestreetsoreverturningthewheel,butthenIwasinfrontofmyapartment,so

closetomybed.

Iwantedtofallrightintoit,butmyneuroticneedtohangacalendarrightbesidemybed

remindedmeIhadrehearsaltonight.Isetonealarmfor5P.M.soI’dhave timeto ixdinner

beforehand,andIsetanotherfor5:05P.M.justincaseIaccidentally turnedoffthe irst.Then

thebedcavedinaroundme,andIwastumblingheadlongintooblivion.

Minuteslater,theworldwasscreaminganditwassoloudthatItriedtopressmyhands

against my ears, but they were dead, lifeless at my side. I swallowed, and mytongue felt

barbed,mythroatburnedlikechappedlips.

Rollingoverfeltlikemovingmountains.

Theclockread5:45P.M.

Iblinkedandreaditagain.

5:45P.M.

The world was still screaming and inally, inallyI lifted my hands and pushed at my

alarmuntilthenoisestopped.

Iswallowedagain,butmytonguefelttoobig.Myspitsingedlikeacidonitswaydown.

Dazed,Ilookedattheclockagain.Iwasoutoftime.Rehearsalstartedin ifteenminutes.

Somehow…Idon’tknowhow,really…Ipushedmyselfoutofbed.Mylegsquivered like the

loorwasaboatandbeneathitthesea.TherewerethingsIneededtodo…Iknewthat,butI

couldn’tthinkbeyondthatnaggingsensethattherewassomethingIwasmissing.Anditwas

socold,wherewasmycoat?Ineededmycoat.

WrappedinthewarmestthingsIcould ind,Ilurchedoutsidetowardmycar.Theworld

turnedforasecond,likeachildrefusingtositstill.Istuckahandouttosteadymyself, but

there was nothing there to catch me. I pitched sideways. I didn’t fall,but managed to catch

myself,barely.Istaredattheground;Iwasjustsotired.Woulditbesobadtobethere?Onthe

ground?

Itwassocoldthough.IreallyshouldgoinsideifIwasgoingtolaydown…orinmycar.

DidIhavetimeforanapinmycar?

Ishookmyhead,tryingtoclearthefog,andsomethingawfulrattledaroundinmyskull.

Ithurt.God,ithurt.Ipressedatitwithmyhands,tryingtounderstandwhy,andIswallowed

again,whichhurt,too.Everythinghurt.Everything.

Icouldn’tstandupanymore.Standingwastoohard.Iwasalmosttotheground,reaching

forit,thinkingtheasphaltwouldbewarmagainstmycheekwhensomethinghookedmefrom

behind.

Ikeptreaching,butIwascaught,afishdanglingonaline.

I began to cry because my head was pounding and my throat was clamped down like

iron.Istillwantedmycoat,andIdidn’twanttobeafish,andIwantedtosleep.

Sleep.
Someone was telling me that I was okay. The hook was gone, and my pillow held me

oncemore,andImusthavebeendreaming.Sleep.

Sleepperchancetodream.

***

Somethingbuzzed.Ithoughtofbees.Iwasflyingwithbees.

“…Beokay.Ican’ttellhowbad,butshede initelyhasafever.She’snotcoherent atall.

Mono,yeah.ShouldItakehertothehospital?Areyousure?You’resure.Okay.Yes.Bye.”

Ireachedahandout.Thereweretoomanywords.Beesshouldn’ttalk.Thatdidn’tmake

sense.WherewasI?

“Where?”Igroaned,then,“Ow,”becauseeverythingstillhurtevenaftersleep.My hand

foundsomething.Orsomethingfoundmyhand.Anditwaswarm.AndIwasfreezing.Isighed.

ThewarmthfoundmycheekandIpushedintoit,wantingmore.

“Socold,”Itoldthewarmth.

Andthenthewarmthanswered,lowandsoft,“Idon’tknowwhattodo.”

Iclutchedthewarmththatheldmyfaceandasked,“More.”

Thenthewarmthleft,eventhoughItriedtoholdon.Airblewpastme,andIwasshaking,

shaking,shaking.Icriedandthetearsfeltlikeriversofice.

“Cold,”Isaid.Iswallowed,butthatfeltworseinsteadofbetter.Ihatedthis. Iwanteditto

beover.Please.Please.

Please.

“Please.”

“I’mhere,love.Holdon.”

The world fell over, bent sideways, broken. And it cradled me, taking me with it,but

insteadofdying,Ifellintowarmth,solidandstrong.Iclutchedatit,wantingtobeinsideit,to

maketheshakingstop,tomakeeverythingstop.

Itwasthesun,anditheldmeinitsarms,calledmebyname,touchedmefromforehead

totoes.Ifellasleepcradledintheskyinthearmsofastar.

***

WhenIwokenext,myheadwasclearenoughtoknowthatIwassick.Ihadtobreathe

throughmynosebecausemythroatwastooswollen,tootendertostandthepassageofair.

Mymusclesachedandmystomachfelthollow.Iwasstillcold,butnotfrozensolid.Thawed.

Sleepcalledmeagain.Iwasstillsotired.

ButIknew,knewwhatthatmeant.

Ihadgottenmonoafterall.
WhichmeantIhadtotellGarrick.Butthatcouldwaituntilmyheadwasn’tburstingand

mylungsfeltfullandmythroatwasnotonfire.Oncethefeverbroke,Iwouldcallhim.

Ishifted,wishingthatmykneesandmyelbowsandshoulderswouldjustceasetoexist

becauserightnowtheywerenothing,butpain.Andthen,IknewIwasdreaming,thatthefever

hadre-arrangedmybrainbecauseGarrickwastherebeneathme,hisbarechestmypillow.It

wascruel,thisfever.ButIknewitwasonlybecauseIhadthoughtofhim.Iwasprobablystill

dreaming.

Hiseyeswereopen,staringatme,notspeaking,juststaring.Couldn’tbereal.

“Wishitwasreal,”Iwhimpered,beforegivinginagain.

Sleeping.

***

WhenIwokeagain,thechillshadstopped,andIwasalone.EventhoughIknewitwasa

dream,Ipressedmyfaceintomypillow,wishingithadn’tbeen.

Ihadn’tnoticeduntilnow,ormaybejusthadn’tadmittedit,butevennowIwasfalling

forGarrick.MaybeIhadneverstoppedfalling.Everymemoryandfantasypulledmedeeper

intowantinghim.Thoughstillexhausted,thistimeIhadtoworktofallbackintosleep.

“Bliss,wakeup.”

Notimehadpassedatall.Itmustbeadream.

“Youneedtodrinksomething.Wakeup.”

Itriedtoturnaway,tocrawldeeperintosleep,butsomethingtuggedagainstme,andI

wassittingupagainstmywill.Somethingpushedatmyback,refusingtoletmelaydown,so

insteadIleanedsideways.

Myheadmetsomethingsolid.Itwasn’tlayingdown,butitwascloseenough.Iclosedmy

eyes.

“Oh,noyoudon’t.Drinkfirst.Thenyoucansleep.”

Iwassleeping.Atleast,IthoughtIwas.Imusthavebeenbecauseoutofnowhereacup

appeared in my hands. It was warm, almost as warm as the other hands wrappedaround
mine.

Itsmelledwonderful,andIletthecupbepulledtomylips.

Soup.

Chickennoodle,maybe.Ittastedsaltyandwarm,butswallowingwastoohard.Ipushed

thecupaway.

“Please,love.I’mworriedaboutyou.Idon’tlikeworryingaboutyou.”
I knew those words, and it was cruel for my subconscious to parrot them back at me

now,whenhewasnolongerworriedatall.Ilookedup,andtherehewas,perhapsevenmore

perfectinmydreamstatethaninreallife.Hewasthesun.He’dalwaysbeenthesun—shining

andbrilliant.

Thiswastoomuch.Iwashurtinginsideandout.

“Imissyou,”Itoldmysun.“Iwassostupid.AndnowI’velostthelight.”

Hedidn’tsayhemissedmeback.Hedidn’tsayanyofthethingsIwouldwantfromhim.

Hetoldme,“Drink,Bliss.We’lltalkwhenyouarewell.”

I did as he asked because I was too tired to ight, too tired to make myself facethe

unreality.Slowly,Isipped,tippingmyheadbackandlettingtheliquidslide downmythroatso

I didn’t have to work so hard to swallow. Halfway through the cup,I could take no more. I

pusheditawayandheletme.

“Nowyoucansleep.Sleep,love.”

Ifellbackagainstthepillows,butIwasseizedbysomethingelse,byfear.Ifearedlosing

this…thisdreamspacebetweenworldswhereIhadn’truinedanything.MaybeCade would

arrivenext,andKelsey.Andforalittlewhile,mylifecouldbesimpleagain.

DreamGarrickbrushedahandacrossmyforehead.“Ithinkyourfeverisalmostgone.

That’sgood.Youshouldfeelmuchbetterinthemorning.”

Ifrowned.“ThatmeansI’llhavetocallyousoon.”

“Callme?”

“Totellyouthatyoumightgetsick,too.”

Hisheadtiltedsideways.Whydidn’theunderstand?

“Youdon’tthinkIalreadyknow?”

“Notyou.You’renotreal.”

“I’mnot?”

“RealGarrickwouldn’tbehere.”Icurledintomypillow,wishingthisdreamwouldstop.

Itwasn’tniceanymore.Itwasn’treal.Weweren’tanythingtoeachother…notanymore.

ButDreamGarrick,stayedthere,hishandonmyhair,andIletmyselfbelieveit,for a

littlewhilelonger.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Ataroundfourinthemorning,Iwokeinapoolofsweat,mybodystucktothesheetsand

myfacegluedtothebed.

Iguessthefeverwasdefinitelybroken.

Iplacedmyhandsonthebedtopushmyselfup,butmyequilibriummusthavebeenoff.

My bed felt uneven. I reached back, fumbling for the lamp and licked the lighton. Then

becauseIthoughtmaybeIwasseeingthings,I lippeditoffandonagain.Ipinchedmyself.I

pinchedreallyhard.Butnothingchanged.

Garrickwasdefinitelyasleepinmybed.

Shit.

Shit.

Howmuchofmyfever-induceddreamwasreal?Ifeltsafeassumingthatmytimeasa

beewas iction,aswellasafewmythologicalanimalsthatIswearI’dseen.ThenI’dlivedon

thesunwithaliens.

ButGarrickwasinmybed.He’dde initelybeeninmydreams,butitcouldn’tallbereal.

Sometimeshe lew,muchofthetimehewasnaked.Andtherewereadozenmoremoments,

somefuzzy,someveryclear.Wherewastheline?Whathadreallyhappened? Hell, was this

evenreal?MaybeIwasjustdreamingthatmyfeverbroke.Iwasfreakingout,andbeforeIhad

thesenseofmindtoformulateaplan,Iwasalreadyshakinghimawake.

Hewasbleary-eyedandbeautifulashecameto.Iwasstruckforamomentbythefact

thathewassleepingonmypillow.

Hewasinmybed.Withme.

Sleeping.

Weweresleepingtogether!

“You’re awake.” God, since when did groggy and gorgeous go so well together? Wide-

eyed,Inodded,nothavingthoughtofwhatI’dsaywhenIactuallyhadhimawake.

“Howdoyoufeel?”

ThatIcouldanswer.

“Likeshit.Everythinghurts.Mythroattheworst.”

Hereachedoutandsetahandonmythigh.Likethatwasnormal.Likewejustsetour

handsoneachother’sthighsallthetime.

“That’snormal,Ithink,”Hesaid.Thethighthing?No,no…mythroat.Hecontinued,“Do

youneedanything?”

Ishookmyhead.WhatthehellhadhappenedwhileIwassooutofit?

Hesatup,andthesheetfellaroundhiswaist,revealingallofhisupperbodytomyeyes.

Thesheetdroopedaroundhiships,drawingmyeyestothemusclesthatdisappeareddown
intohisshorts.God.Hishandwenttomyhair,myhairthatfelllank,andoilyagainstmyface,a

starkcontrasttohowgoodhelookedrightnow.Hedidn’tseemtocare.

Again,whatthehellwashappening?

“I’mgladyou’reokay,”hesaid.

Inodded.NoddingwasallIknewhowtodo,allIunderstood.Nodding,atleast,stillmade

sense.

“Youshouldgobacktosleep.Youstillneedtorest.Unlessyou’rehungry?”

Ishookmyhead.

“Thensleep.”

Henudgedmeslightly,andIloweredmybodyslowly,certainthattheminutemyhead

hitthepillowthisalternateuniversewouldceasetoexist.

Itdidn’t.

Hepushedbackthecovers,andthenslippedoutofthebed.

“You’releaving?”Iasked.

Hestopped,andinquicksuccessionIsawhimrealizewherewewereandhowlittlehe

was wearing. He hesitated, unsure. It was such a strange emotion, one I’d rarelyseen him

wear.“Doyouwantmeto?”Iwantedtopausethemoment,studyit,breakdownthesecond

wherethisboldboyhadbeen illedwithdoubt.OfcourseIdidn’twanthimtoleave!Inever

wantedhimtoleave!

Ishookmyhead.Gladthatfatiguekeptmecalm,somewhat.

HesmiledsowideIforgotthat the doubt ever existed. “Then I’m not leaving. I’mjust

goingtogetsomewater.Gotosleep.”

Heleft,andIturnedonmyside,reeling.Icouldhearthefaucetturnonandoff.Itriedto

imaginewhathewasdoing.The loorwasn’tcreaking,sohewasn’twalkingback.Washejust

standingatthesinkdrinking?Orwastherenocreakingbecausemydelusionhadendedand

hewasn’tcomingback?Hadthe loorcreakedonhiswaytothesink?Icouldn’tremember.I

startedtopanic.MaybeIneededtogetup,goafterhim.Makesurehewasreal.

Thenmybeddipped,andIfeltheatbehindme,andanarmwrappedaroundmywaist.I

stiffened irst,andthenrelaxedsosuddenlythatIpracticallyfellintohim.Hewassowarm,I

feltlikeIwasfeverishalloveragain.

Hepushedmyhairupandontothepillow,sothatmyneckwasuncovered.ThenIfelt

something, the tip of his nose perhaps, grazing softly against my skin and the puffof his

breath.

“Garrick?”
Hisarmtightened,hisbodycurvedaroundmine,evenourthighspressedtogether.

“Tomorrow,Bliss.Sleepnow.”

Sleep?Theideaseemedimpossible,butashisbreathsteadiedandIgrewusedtohis

touch,IrealizedIwasstilltired.Iwantedtoanalyzewhathadhappened,whatIremembered

andwhatIdidn’t,butsleepdidseemmoreimportant.

Garrick was right. It could wait until tomorrow. He would be here. He said he wasn’t

leaving.Butjustincase,Iplacedoneofmyhandsoverhisthatrestedagainstmystomach.I

hadthoughthewasalreadyasleep,buthewasawakeenoughtorespond,lacingour ingers

together.

WhenIfeltcertain,boththathewasrealandthathewasn’tleaving…whenmydoubt

wasgone,Islept.

Iwokeseveralhourslater.Lightwaspouringinthroughmyhighwindows,andmyskin

wasslickwithsweat.Foramoment,IthoughtIhadafeveragain.Isatup,andGarrick’sarm

fellfrommywaist.Hegroaned.

His brows were furrowed with beads of sweat dotting his face. I pressed my hand

againsthis forehead, and sure enough, he was burning up. He looked awful, but I imagined

thatIlookedevenworse.Myskinandclothesweredampwithsweat,bothhisandmine.Itfelt

likegrimeandsicknesswasslatheredoverthetopofmyskin.

Carefully,IshiftedoutofGarrick’sreachandplantedmyfeetonthecoolhardwoodfloor.

Standinghurtallthewaytomybones,likethey’dbeenbrokenandsetinthewrongway,and

nowIhadtore-breakthemtosetitright.Eachstepfeltlikeanailgunhadbeentakentomy

heels, my knees, my hips. It took a hand on the wall justto keep myself upright. And my

journey to the bathroom comprised of thirty slow, shuf lingsteps instead of the usual ten.

WhenIgotthere,Iwasshortofbreathandreadyforanothernap.

In my pain-addled mind, it seemed very important to be clean irst. I turned on the

shower,leavingitonthecoolsideofthespectruminsteadofautomaticallypushingittohot

likeusual.Ishuckedoffmyclothes,lamentingeachtimeIgotoffonepieceonlytodiscover

anotherlayerbeneath.WhenIgottomybra,Inearlygaveupcompletely.

Finally,Iwasfree,butInolongerhadtheenergytostandfortheshowerIwanted.Likea

child just learning to walk, I crawled into the tub, laying back and lettingthe water pelt my

skin.Mystomach,especially,feltsosensitivethateachdropstungonimpact,likesomeone

wasdroppingtinylittlemissilesfromabove.Butevenso,itwascoolandlovelyandImelted

intothesensation.

ForalongtimeIlaidthere,fallinginandoutofsleep.Whenmybreathsettledandthe

acheinmymuscleseased,Ipushedmyselfup,lettingthewatersoakmyhairandrundown
myface.

Shampoobecamethevillainofmystory,stingingmyeyesandexhaustingmeasItried

torubitinandrinseitout.Itfeltlikehoursbeforethewaterranclearenoughformetoopen

my eyes without them burning. And then I couldn’t convince myself todo it again with

conditioner.

Iturnedoffthewater,andlaidback,feelingthewaterdrainbeneathme.Thelongermy

eyesstayedclosedtheheaviermybodybecame.Thelittlepoolsofliquidonmyskin dried

slowly,anditfeltgoodtobeempty,tobestillforamoment.

ThenIrememberedGarrick,andknewIhadbeenselfishlongenough.

Thewallofthetubmightaswellhavebeenabattlement.Ittookallofmystrengthto

climboverit.Clothingwascompletelyoutofthequestion.Iwrappedmyhairinatoweland

mybodyinarobe.Igrabbedafewwashcloths,soakingthemwithcoolwater,wringingthem

outsotheywouldn’tdrip.

Ifeltalittlemorealivenow,andImanagedtowalkwithoutgropingatthewall.Thepain

wasthere,inthebackofmymindwitheverystep,butitwasmanageable.Evenso,itwasa

relieftosinkdownbesideGarrickonmybed.

Istrippedtheblanketsback,andheshifted,butdidn’twake.Iplacedoneofthedamp

clothsacrosshisforehead,andanotherIunfoldedandlaidacrosshischest.Iusedthelastto

dabathisarmsandlegs.Eventhatbecametoodifficultthough,soIrolledthelastclothupand

slippeditbeneathhisneck.

ThenIlaiddownbesidehimandslept.

Thenexttimewewoketogether.Hisfeverwasstillgoing,butIconvincedhimtodrink

somewater.Itwasn’tuntilItookadrinkmyselfthatIrealizedhowthirsty Iwas.Ihelpedhim

drinkafullglass,andthenengulfedtwoofmyown.Ihadenoughenergytoshuckmythick

robeandreplaceitwithloosepajamas.IplacedanewdampclothonGarrick’sforeheadand

hesighed.

“Thankyou,”hemumbled.

Iwasn’tsurehowcoherenthewas.Hede initelyknewIwashere,ashe’dcalledoutmy

nameafewtimessincehewoke.Andheknewhewassick,butIdidn’tknowhowmuch he

knewbeyondthat.

“You’rewelcome.Buttobefair,youdidtakecareofmefirst.”

Hiseyeswereclosed,buthesmiled.“You’rebetteratit.”

“Itdoesn’tmatter,”Isaid.“Itwasjustnicenottobealone.”

Hetriedtoshiftontohissidetofaceme,butendedupjustreachingwithhisarms,his

bodystill lat.Iwrappedanarmaroundhischest,andpulled,Hisarmswentaroundmeand

pulled,too,sothatheendeduponhissideandmuchclosertome.

Whenhewassettled,hebreathedout,exhaustedbythelittlemovement.Hesaid,“I’m

sorry.”

“Forwhat?”

Needinghelp?HeseemedmuchstrongerandbetteroffthanIhadbeen.

“Forleavingyoualoneatall.ForgettingbetweenyouandCade.Forbeingtoostubborn

totellyouImissedyou.I’msorry.”

Iwasconfused,thepiecesofthepuzzlenotquite itting.ButIheardwhatmattered,he

wassorryandIwassorry,too.Andmybrainwastoofuzzytorememberallthedetailsofwhy

thisshouldn’tbehappening.Ipulledhimtomeandhisheadfellintothecrookofmyneck.I

breathed deeply for what felt like the irst time in months.I wanted to ask him about the

phonecall,aboutour ight,abouteverything.Buthewasstillmurmuring“sorry,”againand

againintomyneck,anditdidn’treallymatter.

Iheldhimtighter,andtogether,weweatheredthesicknessandsleep.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Wepasseddaysinthismanner,wrappedupineachother,inandoutofsleep,eating and

showeringwhenwefeltlikewecould.Itwasstrangetothinkofsicknessasanoasis,butthat’s

whatitwas.Whenourphysicalneedstriumphedoverourbrains,wedidn’tneedtotalk,not

aboutourrelationshiporwhathadbrokenit.Wedidn’tneedtoworkanythingoutorexplain

ourselves.Ididn’tevenhavetoworryaboutbeingavirginortheideaofhavingsexwithhim.

Wecradledeachotherandfoundhealinginthequiet,beneathmycovers,awayfromthe

world.BySaturday,wewerewellenoughtospendmoretimeoutofbed,toeatrealfood,to

watchTV…totalk.

Welayonthecouch,mybacktohischest,hisarmsnugaroundme.Weweresupposed

tobewatchingTV,buthisforeheadwaspressedintomyneck,andIwasgrillinghimonthe

firstdaysofmysickness.

“WhatdidEricsaywhenyoucalledhim?”

“Hewasn’tupset,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking.Halfthecastissicknow,Ithink.”

Great.Ourshowwasgoingtosuckballsifwewereallexhaustedallthetime.Wecould

callitanexperimentalpiece—PhaedraLethargic.

Iaskedanotherquestion.“Whatdidhesayaboutyoutakingcareofme?”

His forehead lifted off my neck. “He doesn’t know. He told me to get you in bed, and

you’dbefine.HesuggestedthatIuseyourphonetocallyourMum.”

Thatwouldhavebeenhorri ic.Knowingmymother,shewouldhaveaskedhimwhenhe

plannedtopopthequestionrightaftershefoundouthisname.

“Butyoustayed.”

“Icouldn’tjustleaveyou.ItoldEricIwasn’tfeelingwelleither,andIstayedwithyou.”

“Butwhy?”

“Doyoureallyhavetoask?”

“Ido.”I’dheardhimallthoseweeksagoonthatphonecall,heardhimsaythathedidn’t

care,thatIwasjustinconvenient.Whateverreasonhe’dstayed…Ineededtohearit.

Hesaid,“Wellthen,ifwe’redoingthis,I’mdoingittherightway.”

Hetriedtositupbehindme,butourpositiononthecouchwassnug,andwewereboth

stillalittleoutofsorts,soweendeduptangled,himpracticallyontopofme.Iwasstillstuck

onmyside,squishedbeneathhim.Hetriedtowiggleoffofme,butitwasreminiscentofa

turtleonit’sback.Finally,hegaveup,andliftedupjustenoughsothatIcouldturnontomy

back,andthenheloweredhimselfmoregentlyontopofme.

Despitethefactthatwe’dsleptinthesamebedforaweek,thiswasstillintimate,still

exciting,stillterrifying.Heheldhimselfuponhiselbowsasmuchhecould,buthewasweak,

sohisweightstillpressedintome.

Ilikedit.

“WhatwasIsaying,again?”Heasked.“Oh,right,thatImightbefallinginlovewithyou.”

Iblinked.Thenblinkedagain.

Iblink-blink-blinkedmywaythroughamultitudeofemotionsinmereseconds—shock,

disbelief,excitement,fear,lust,uncertainty,andsettledonsomething…something toobigfor

aname.Therewasagalaxyinsideofme—complexandin initeandmiraculousand fragile.

Andatthecenterwasmysun.Garrick.Love.Thetwowerelikesynonymstomenow.Hewas

fallinginlovewithme?Withme?

Abrushofhishandbroughtmeoutofthatuniverse,andbackintothemoment.“You

coulddriveamancrazywiththatkindofsilence.”

“Iloveyou,too.”Isaid.ThenIrememberedthathehadn’t quitesaidthosethreewords.

He’dsaidhewasfallinginlovewithme.Andtherehadbeenamaybeinthere.Shit.“Imean…

whatIshouldhavesaidwasthatIfeelthesame.I’mjustfalling,too.Becausealreadybeingin

lovewithyouistoofast.Thatwouldbecrazy.It’stoomuch,right?It’stoomuch.It’stoofast.

So…I’mnotinlovewithyou.I’mnot.Notthatyou’renotloveable,it’sjustthere’sadifference

betweenfallinginloveandbeinginlove.Andwearethe irstandnotthesecond,notyet.So,I

toomaybefallinginlovewithyou.That’swhatImeanttosay.That’sallImeanttosay.”Iwas

fallingapart.Hiseyesweresoftandunchangingandgavenothingaway,soIkeptdevolving

intoincoherency.Finally,hekissedme,quickly,butitfeltlikeapunctuation,likeIcould inally

stoptalking.

Isighed,“You’resupposedtodothatbeforeIstartcrazy-talking.”

Helaughedandkissedmeagain,alittlelongerthistime.

“Ilikeyourcrazytalk.Betteryet,Iloveyourcrazytalk.It’ssettled.I’mnolongerfalling.I

am de initely in love with you. That’s not too much, is it?” Hisgrin was blinding and so

mockingthatIgavehimaswiftpinchtothearm.

He didn’t even have the decency to look pained. He just kissed me, pressing all ofhis

weightintome,anditwasthebestkindof‘toomuch.’

I’dalwaysthoughttoomuch,toomuchinmyhead,asEricsaid.ButsinceI’dmetGarrick,

Ihadanembarrassingtendencytostopthinkingcompletely.Thethingsthatcameoutofmy

mouth as a response were almost always embarrassing, but sometimes…they worked out.

Sometimes,sayingthe irstthingthatcametomindwentwell.Sometimessimpleandhonest

workedthebest.

Ihopedthiswasoneofthosemoments.

“I’mavirgin,”Itoldhim.“That’swhyIranawaythenightwemet.Ididn’thave acat.I

wasn’twithCade.Iwasjustafraid.”

He paused mid-kiss on my neck. Then, slowly, like shifting-of-tectonic-plates-slowly

liftedhishead.Hestaredatme,intome,throughme.Iresistedtheurgetohidemyface,torun

away screaming, to make up ridiculous excuses involving some otherkind of animal. I

whispered,“Youcoulddriveagirlcrazywiththatkindofsilence.”

Hereacted—itwassmall—theskinbetweenhiseyebrowspinchedtogether.

“Letmegetthisstraight…youdidn’thaveacat?Didyouget a catjustsothatyouwouldn’t

havetotellmeyouwereavirgin?”

Ipressedmylipstogethertokeepthemfromtrembling.Inodded.Thelookonhisface

was somewhere between shock and amusement. He was labbergasted. That was thebest

word.Hisflabberhadbeenthoroughlygasted.

“Yousaidyoulovedmycraziness,”Iremindedhim.

“Ido.Iloveyou.It’sjust…honestly?I’mrelieved.”

“You’rerelievedthatI’mavirgin?What,didyouthinkIwasahoe-bag?”

“Iwouldneverthinkyouwereahoe-bag.”Wasitcompletelyinappropriateto ind the

wayhesays‘hoe-bag’adorable?“ButIknewyouwerehidingsomething.Iwasworriedthere

was some other reason you didn’t want to be with me. I’ve been paranoid aboutit for

months.”

“You’vebeenparanoid?IheardthatphonecallwhereyousaidIwasaninconvenience.

Youwereplanningtochangejobsbecauseofme.Iwaspetri iedifIeverlookedatyou too

longorgaveawayhowmuchImissedyouthatyou’dpackupandleave.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Iwasneverplanningtoleave.”

“Iheardyou.ThatdayIcamebytheof ice.Youwereonthephonewithsomeonebackin

Philadelphia,andyousaidyouwereoverus,thatithadjustbeenainconvenience—“

Heheldahandtomylips,“Bliss,nowIwillstopyourcrazytalk.Whileoursituationis

anything but convenient,youhaveneverbeenaninconveniencetome.AndIwouldn’thave

leftevenifthey iredme.Iwasfartooenamoredwithyou.”Iresistedtheurgetocorrecthis

use of thepast tense. Heisenamored with me. He loves me. God, that felt good. So good, I

mightgetittattooedsomewhereonmybody.

Heblewoutabreath,andtheblondstrandsonhisforeheaddancedinresponse.“The

phonecallwasactuallyaboutsomethingthathappenedbeforeIleftPhiladelphia.It’spartof

whyI’dleftPhiladelphia.“

I remembered that long ago day that I’d asked why he left Philly, he’d changed the

subjectrathereffectivelybykissingme.Ihadn’tcaredthen.MaybeifIhad,thingswouldhave

happeneddifferently.Heshiftedoffofme,oncemoreonhissidenexttome.Hebarelylooked
atmeashespoke,“Ihadafriend,Jenna.Ourrelationshipwasalotlikeyourrelationshipwith

Cade.Webecamefriendsduringgraduateschool,andeventhoughIknewitwasabadidea,

wetriedtobemore.Icaredabouther,butasafriend,andnothingmore.WhenIendedthe

relationship—well, it was a disaster.We were working on a show together. We did a lot of

workatthesametheatres,andmuchliketheearlyPhaedrarehearsals—weruinedeverything

we did together. As aresult,Iwashavingtrouble indingworkandmostofourfriendshad

taken Jen’sside,sowhenEricofferedmeanout,Iran.Iwassoashamedat irst.I’dquit.I’d

givenup.AndI’dlostagoodfriendintheprocess.Thephonecallyouheardwas about Jen.

That’swhatIwasover.Andthat’swhyIcamedownsohardonyouandCade.Iwasterri ied

youwouldgotohim,eventhoughIknewyouwerejustfriends.Iwasscaredyou’dmakethe

samemistakeIdid.I’msorry.Ihandledthisallsobadly. IfIhadtoldyouwhenyouaskedyou

mighthaveunderstood—“

Itwasmyturntostophimwithakiss.Iturnedontomyside,andpulledhimagainstme.

Ipouredeverymisplacedemotionintothatkiss—theuncertaintyI’dfeltabouthisfeelings,

thefearofmyvirginity,theremorseoverallthetimewe’dwasted.Iletgoofallthosethings,

sentthemoffwithakiss.

“Iunderstandnow,”Itoldhim.“That’swhatmatters.”

“Iloveyou,”hesaid.Iwouldnevergettiredofthat.

“Iloveyou,too.”

He said, “Can you say that one more time? So, that I can be sure it’s not the sickness

addlingmybrain?”

Ikissedhim,softly.Inourcurrentstate,softlywasaboutallwecouldmanage.

“Iloveyou,Garrick.”

ItwasshockinghownotscaredIwas.

Notanymore.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Agoldnecklacesatweightedandheavyaroundmyneck.Myhairwaspiledincurlsand

jewels, and my dress, though sweeping and simple, was heavy and lush. I sat staringin the

dressing room mirror as the makeup designer put inishing touches on my hair,and I

completedtheapplicationofmystagemakeup.Itwasopeningnight,anddespitemyheavy

costumeandjewelry,IfeltlikeIwasgoingtofloataway.

Excitementrushedfasterthanbloodthroughmyveins.

We were here. Finally. The opening had been delayed a week due to the widespread

sickness,butevenso,Ithoughttheshowwasgood.Reallygood.AndIwasn’talone.

Kelsey came careening into the room, looking drop dead gorgeous as Aphrodite. “I

know,Iknow.Youdon’thavetostare.IknowhowamazingIlook.”

Ismiled,justgladtohaveherback.She’dbeentheonlyoneofmyclosefriendstoevade

thedreadedmono,whichwasincrediblycruel,consideringspinthebottlehadbeenheridea.

She’dshownuponthelastdayofspringbreaktodemandwe“stopbeingprissygirls

and make up already,” only to ind Garrick and I curled up in bed together. She’d pieced

togetherprettyquicklywhyIhadn’twantedtogooutdancingthatnight,andwithawidegrin

backedoutofmyroomsaying,“Don’tmindme.Ididn’tseeanything.Mylipsaresealed.”At

first,Garrickhadtotallyfreaked,butsincethenshehaddefinitelybecomeanally.

ShesmiledatMegan,thedesigner inishingmyhairandsaid,“Looksgreat,Meg!You’re

fantastic! I think Alyssa needed you for something though, so you might want to inishup

fast.”

Megannodded,sprayingthe inalproductwithhalfacanofhairspraybefore leeingthe

dressingroom.

Kelsey threw herself into a chair beside me, “You’re welcome. And irst, you look

gorgeous.I’malittleenvious.Shouldn’tAphroditehaveabetterdress?”

Irolledmyeyes.

“All right, okay. Nevermind. Secondly, you’re going to be amazing tonight. Seriously.

Like,giveheraTonynowamazing.Third,breakaleg.”Sheleanedinandlickedthe sideofmy

face,someweirdpre-showtraditionshe’dhadforaslongasI’dknownher.“Andlastly,there’s

someoneelsewaitingoutsidetowishyouagoodshow.You’ve got iveminutesuntilwarm-

up.Icanpromiseyouprivacyforthree,soyoubettertakeadvantagewhileyoucan.”

Sheplacedaquickairkissonmycheek,skippingtowardthedoorandshutitbehindher

onceGarrickhadslippedinside.

“Hi,”Hesaid.

“Hey.”

Hesteppedfartherintotheroom,andIstood.Itwasdisconcertingtoseemyselfinthe

dozens of mirrors all around the room, so I focused on him, which wasn’t hard.He looked

gorgeousasalways.

“Youlook…”Hepaused,takinginmyelaborate,midnightbluecostume.

“Ifyousaycute,Iwillskinyoualive.”

Hesmiledandpulledmetohim.Carefulnottosmudgemymakeup,heplacedakisson

my neck instead, then dipped and dropped a kiss over my heart, just above the lineof my

gown.Iclutchedhisshoulders,feelinglight-headedathistouch.

Hesaid,“Iwasgoingtosayyoulookedunbelievablysexy.I’mgladyou’renotmystep-

mum.”

Ilaughed,“I’mnotsurebeingyourstudentismuchbetter.”

Hedraggedhislipsupmyneck,andthenbroughtourfacesclosetogether.Hisblueeyes

almostmatchedthecolorofmydress,darkanddecadent.

“Onemonth,”hesaid.Wehadonemonthuntilhewasnolongermyteacher,andIwasno

longeracollegestudent.Onemonthuntilitdidn’tmatterhowwefeltandwhoknewaboutit.

Onemonthuntilweplannedtohavesex.

Ithadseemedlikeareasonableplanwhenwewereholedupsickinmyapartment.It

gavemethetimeIneededtodealwithmyanxiety,anditheldsigni icancesincewecouldno

longergetintrouble.Butthemorehelookedatmelikethat,likehewaslookingatmenow,

likehelovedme,thelessIcaredaboutwaiting.

“IwishIcouldreallykissyou,”Hesaid,staringmournfullyatmylips,whichwerefulland

redthankstolayersofstagemakeup.

“Tonight,”Itoldhim.“Aftertheparty.Myplace?”

Heleanedforward,atthelastsecondswervingfrommylipsandkissingmeinthatspot

belowmyearthatheknewmademykneesgoweak.

“It can’t come soon enough. ‘I feel all the furies of desire.’” He quoted one of my lines

fromtheshowbackatme,andthatremindedmethatwewereprobablyneartheendofour

time.

“Youshouldprobablygobeforeeveryoneelsegetsback.TellKelseythankyouonyour

wayout?”

“OhIwill.Bestthingthateverhappenedtome…thatgirlfindingoutaboutus.”

Iturnedbacktothemirror,makingsuremymakeupandhairstilllookedperfect.“I’m

goingtopretendyoudidn’tjustsaymybestfriendwasthebestthingtoeverhappentoyou.”

Eventhoughhewassupposedtobeleaving,heracedbacktomysideandcircledhis

armsaroundmefrombehind.Hekissedmyneckonelasttimeandsaid,“Iloveyou.”Ilooked
athimthroughthemirror.Welookedgoodtogether—heinasuit,meinan elaborateGrecian

gown.Itwasstillkindofunbelievable,thisthingwehad.“Iloveyou,too,”Isaid.

Istayedstaringinthemirrorafterheleft,thinkingthatIlookeddifferent.Notjustthe

costumeandhairandmakeup—me.Ilooked…happy.

IheardAlyssacallforwarm-up,andItookadeepbreath,tryingtocalmmysprinting

heart.

Todaywasabigday.

OurfirstPhaedraperformance.

Mylastopeningnighthereever.

AndifIgotmyway,thenightIlostmyvirginity.

***

There are moments in theatre, when everything comes together exactly how it is

supposedtohappen.Thecostumesandsetareperfect,theaudienceraptandengaged,and

theactingeffortless.

Tonightwasoneofthosenights.

Everyactorwasonfire.

And I… I lived another life in those two hours on stage. I lived the shame. It wasa

familiaremotiontome.Ilivedthehopewhenwordcameofmyhusband’sdeath.Idreamed

thatmaybe…maybeHippolytuscouldbemine.Ifeltthehorrorwhenmyaffectionsweren’t

returned and when I learned my husband wasn’t dead after all. I experiencedthe pain of

remorsewhenHippolytuswaskilledbasedonmyfalseaccusations.Andthen inally,Ifeltthe

acceptance,thereleaseofadmittingmycrimes,anditwasalmostasifIcouldfeelthepoison

Phaedra took, coursing through my blood, reachingfor my heart. It wasn’t until I had

crumbledonthe loor,Theseus’slastlineshadbeendelivered,andthelightsdimmedthatI

reallycameoutofit.

Theclappingstartedinthedark,andmybreathcaughtinmythroat.Ifoughtbackthe

tearsthatcamewithexperiencingsomethingasperfectandpowerfulastheperformanceI’d

justhad.Thatwaswhattheatrewasabout—thatkindofexperience.Wewouldneverbeable
torecreatethatagain.Onlythepeopleheretonightwouldeverknowwhatthatshowwaslike.

Theatreisonceinalifetime…everytime.

It was like the stars aligned, because suddenly so many more things about my life

becameobvious.Thingsthathadeludedmeuntilnowwerelaidplaininmymind.Everything

madesense,andIcouldn’twaittoseeGarrick.Backstagewasinanuproarwhenweleftthe

stageafterour inalbows.Friendsandfamilylinedthehallsbetweenthestagedoorandthe
dressingrooms.Ericwasthere,smilingatus,proudoftheshowhe’dputtogether.Ihugged

him irst,sogratefulthathegavemethischance,andthathedidn’tdumpmethat irstweek

whenIwasdoingterrible.

“BestworkI’veeverseenyoudo,Bliss.Youshouldbeproud.”

Iwas,God,Iwas.Myfacefeltsplitopenbymysmile.

Garrickwasbehindhim,andeventhoughitwasrisky,Ihuggedhimtoo.Hedidn’t hold

melong,justlongenoughtowhisper,“Brilliant,”inmyear.

ThenIlostmyselfinthecrowd.

Iwasslickwithsweat,andmydressfeltasheavyasanotherpersonhangingonme,butI

relishedthehugsandcongratulationsthatpouredoverme.

AndwhenIwasbackinthedressingroom…

Idanced.

Wealldanced.Kelsey lippedonheriPod,andwecelebratedaswepeeledoffthelayers

ofourcostumes.Ourdressingroomwas illedwith lowers,whichhelpedtomaskthesweat.

Whenourthingswereputaway,realclothesdonned,andourstagemakeupremovedandreal

makeupre-applied,wemovedthepartyelsewhere.WewereheadingtoSideBar,theonlybar

close to campus that allowed people under twenty-one, a mustwhen the whole cast was

going.

I was surprised to ind Cade waiting outside the dressing room when we exited. He

steppedupbesideme.“Hey,canIgiveyouaridetoSideBar?”

Thatwassurprising,butcertainlywelcome.

Itoldhim,“Thatwouldbegreat,butIwasplanningonleavingearly.I’mprettytired.”

“Oh,”henodded.“Well,doyoumindifIridewithyou,andI’lljust indanother ridehome

after?”

“Sure,that’sfinewithme.”

We walked to my car in silence, and I jangled my keys to ill the space with noise.I

startedthecar,andimmediatelyturneddowntheradio.“So,what’sup,Cade?”

He idgetedwithhisseatbelt.Nervous.Hedidn’tanswermyquestion,butinsteadasked,

“HowarethingswithGarrick?”

Frowning, I pulled out of the parking lot, watching him from the corner of my eye.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry. Is that weird? I didn’t mean for it to be weird, I was just trying to be

friendly.”Helookedsouncomfortable.Howhadwebeenreducedtothis?

Isaid,“It’snotweird,Cade.I’msorry.I’mjust…alittlecautiousisall.Thingsaregreat,

actually.”

Henodded,“Good.That’sgood.”

After spending so much time with Garrick, I’d forgotten what it was like to deal with

guyswhodidn’tjustsaywhattheywerethinking.

“Justtellmewhatyouwanttotalkabout,Cade.Whateveritis,it’sfine.”

He took a deep breath. He was still nervous, but he was no longer idgeting. “I havea

question,butI’mprettysureit’sprying,andIjustdon’twanttocrossanylines.”

“Cade,Iknowthingshavebeendif icult.ButIstillconsideryouoneofmybestfriends.I

wantyoutobeoneofmybestfriendsagain.Askmeanything.”

“Areyouguysstayingtogetherafterwegraduate?”

Mygutreactionwas,“Yes.”Eventhoughwehadn’treallytalkedaboutit,notinso many

words.We’dimpliedit,sure,withthewhole‘onemonth’thing,butwehadn’t reallyhadthat

conversationforreal.

“Areyoustayinghere?OrmovingtoPhilly?Orsomewhereelse?”

I pulled into the parking lot, using searching for a space as an excuse to collectmy

thoughts.Thatwasde initelynotaconversationwe’dhad,nomatterhowmuchIhadthought

aboutit.

“Whydoyouask?”

Heruffledhishair,andIresistedtheurgetosay,‘Justspititoutalready!’

“Well…Iappliedtoagradschoolafewmonthsagobefore…well…beforeeverything.

AndIhadn’treallythoughtIwouldgo,butIgotin,andnowI’mthinkingImightactuallylike

it.”

“Really?That’sgreat,Cade!”

“It’sTemple,inPhilly.”

“Oh.”ThatwastheschoolwhereGarrickhadstudied.

“AndIjustwasn’tsureifthetwoofyouweregoingtobeinPhilly,andifyouthought it

wouldbeweirdformetobethere,too.Andifit’snot,Ithoughtmaybewecouldstill… you

know,hangout.Ifthat’scoolwithGarrick.”

Animagestartedtoforminmymindofwhatthatlifemightbelike.Itwasaprettygreat

thought.

“Idon’tknowifwe’llbeinPhillyornot.Butifweare…no,itwon’tbeweird.And yes,

we’llhangout.AndGarrickcanbecoolornotcoolwithit;hedoesn’tdecidewhatIdo.Imeant

whatIsaid,Cade.Ireallydowantustobefriendsagain.”

Hesmiled,relaxedinhisseat,finally.“Metoo.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Cadewasn’ttheonlyonethinkingaboutthefuture.AtSideBar,wedidourfairshare of

celebrating and drinking and eating, but the talk soon turned sentimental. We shared

memoriesofour irstshows,classeswe’dhadtogether,partiesthathadgonehorriblywrong.

Rustysuggestedwecouldhaveanothermake-outparty,andhewaspeltedwithnapkinsand

bitsofpaperandevenahotroll.

Justlikewiththeatre—lifesometimeshasperfectmomentswhenthestarsallalign,and

you’reexactlywhereyouwanttobewithgreatpeople,doingexactlywhatyouwanttodo.

Leavingcollegeseemedimpossible.

IhadneverbeenhappierthanthefouryearsI’dspenthere.Ilookedaroundthetableas

peoplelaughedandscreamed(weonlyhadonevolume—really,loud).Thesepeopleweremy

family.Theyunderstoodmeandknewmeinwaysthatnooneelsedid.

Icouldn’timaginemylifewithoutthem.

“Uh-oh!Tearsalert!”Kelseycried,“Blissisgettingweepy!”

Iwipedatmyeyes,andembarrassingly,shewasright.

“Shutup!Ijustloveyouguys,okay?”

Kelsey’sarmsenfoldedmefirst,thenRusty,thenCade,andthenIlostcount.

Rustysaid,“Stopactinglikewedon’thaveamonthlefttogether.Idon’tknowabout you

guys,butIhaveonehellofacollegebucketlistthatIneedyouguystohelpmeful ill.Starting

withgettingsuperdrunkonmylastopeningnight.So,let’sgetstarted.”

Iateanddrank,justlisteningtothestoriesandconversationsaroundme,soakingitall

up.Lifewasgood,andifIhadmyway,itwasabouttogetevenbetter.

It was harder than I thought it would be to excuse myself after dinner was over. Not

becauseIwasnervousaboutwhatIplannedtodotonight,Iactuallyfeltgoodaboutthat,but

becauseIdidn’twanttoleavemyfriends.

Itwasafunnythingtomisspeoplebeforeyou’devenleftthem,butthat’swhatIwas

feelingnow.

Alittlebitofmelancholystayedwithmeallthewayoutofthebarandintomycar.Butit

didn’ttakelongforittodisappearinlightofwhereIwasheading.Ididn’ttextGarrickwhenI

wasonmywaylikeI’dtoldhimIwould,becauseIwantedsometimetogetthingsready.

Itookaquickshower,andthenleftmyhairloosetodrycurly,becauseGarrickliked it

that way. It made me think of that night at the club, and my heart beat fasterjust at the

memory.

IfoundtheVictoria’sSecretbaginthebackofmyclosetthatheldthelingerieI’dbought

speci ically with this night in mind. I slipped it on, trying to imagineagain exactly what

Garrickmightthinkorfeelwhenhesawme.

Lookinginthemirror,Ifeltsexy,likehe’dalwayssaidIwas.Islippedbackon thedress

I’dwornaftertheshow,notwantingtogiveanythingawayjustyet.Itidiedupmyroom,made

suretherewerecondomsinthebedsidetable,andthentookaseatonmybed.

Iwasdoingthis.

Iwasreallydoingthis.

IwasgoingtohavesexwithGarrick…tonight.

Somethingbubbledupinmychest.At irstIthoughtitwasnerves,butthenIrecognized

it.ItwasthesamekindoffeelingIgotwhenI irstfoundoutI’dbeencastasPhaedraandthen

again when the show had gone so well. It was something beyond excitement,something

better.

BecauseIcould,Ihoppeduponmybed,andjumped.ItfeltgoodsoIdiditagain.I lailed

my arms because it seemed like the right thing to do, and then I coveredmy face with my

handsandletoutthequietestscreamIcouldmanage.

“Whatareyoudoing?”

Garrickwasatthefootofmybed,anamusedgrinunfurledonhisface.Isqueakedand

ploppedbackontothebed.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked.

“Isawyourcaroutside,soIcameover.Ididn’trealizeyou’dalreadystartedthe party

withoutme.Itakeityou’reexcitedabouthowtheshowwenttonight?”

IclimbedoffthebedasgracefullyasIcould(meaningwithzerograceatall).Ishould

haveexpectedsomethinglikethis.ItseemedIwasincapableofhavinganintimatemoment

with Garrick without doing something supremely embarrassing. At least thistime it

happenedatthebeginning.

“Theshowwasgreat,butI’mgladtobehome.”Iputahandonhischestandhewrapped

hisarmsaroundmeinahug.

“Youweregreattonight,andnowIgettohaveyoualltomyself.”

Ihadn’treallythoughtaboutthebestwaytoapproachwhatIwantedtodotonight.I’d

thoughtaboutthelingerieandthecondomsandtheprobablepain,butnotsomuchthe“Hey,

I’mreadytohavesex”talk.

Imean,hewasaguy,soIdoubtedverymuchhe’dcareabouthowItoldhim,butstill…I

wantedittoberight.

“Howwasthecelebration?”heasked.

“Good, really good. I’m going to miss everyone when we graduate. It’s a little crazyto

thinkthat’sonlyamonthaway.”

“Onemonth.”Hesmiled,andleaneddownforakiss.
I think he meant for the kiss to be quick, but I didn’t really give him a choice inthe

matter.Iloopedmyarmsaroundhisnecktokeephimdownatmylevel,andpressedmylips

more irmly against his. He hummed lightly, and the vibrations tingled mylips. His hand

curled around my ribcage, and I wanted it higher, farther in. I wantedhim touching me

everywhere.

Whenhewastakingtoolong,Iopenedmymouthandtracedtheseamofhislipswith

mytongue.Heletmein,andthetasteofhimwasasaddictingasalways.Witheachbrushof

histongueagainstmine,Ifeltmorecertain.

Ipulledmyarmsdownfromhisneck,andslippedahandunderneathhisshirt,pressing

my ingertipsintohisback.Hishandsremainedinsafeplaces,myribsandmyneck,butIfelt

themtwitchandtightenslightlyattheskintoskincontact.

Hekeptkissingme…slowly,safely.

Islippedmyotherhandbeneathhisshirt,feelingtheridgesofhisabs,uptohischest.I

hopedhewouldtakethehintandmovehisownhandaccordingly.

Hedidn’t.

Frustrated,IshiftedhimslightlyuntilmybedpressedatthebackofhiskneesandthenI

pushed.Hesankontothebed,andIwastednotimeclimbingontohislap,pressingagainst

himinmuchthesamewayIhadthatfirstnightwe’dalmosthadsex.

“Bliss,”Hewhispered.Itwasalmostawarning,butnotquitethereyet.

IshouldprobablytellhimwhatIwanted,butthewayhewaskissingme,ormoreaptly

the way he wasn’t kissing me made me feel unsure, desperate. He still wanted me. Ittold

myselfthat.AndIbelievedit.Mostly.Ijustneededalittlemorereassurance.

Ipulledback,andwaitedforhiseyestoopen,forhimtowatchme.Whenhiseyesmet

mine,theywereabittooclear,toofocusedformyliking.Ireacheddownandgrabbedthehem

ofmydress.HemadeanoiseinhisthroatwhenIstartedpullingitup,butIdidn’tstopuntilI

had it up and over my head. At irst his eyes stayedresolutely on mine, but when I leaned

forward,takingcaretobrushmychestagainsthis,helookeddown.

HisintakeofbreathwasexactlywhatI’dbeenlookingfor.
ThestraplessblackbrawassotightthatIhadpossiblythebestcleavageIhadeveror

willeverhave.Andthepanties,well,youcouldbarelycallthemthat.

“Bliss,”Thistime,therede initelywasawarningtone.“You’reoverestimatingmy self-

control.”

“Oh,I’mprettysureIestimatedyourcontrolperfectly.”

IleanedforwarduntilIwaspressedtightlyagainsthiships.Mylipshoveredoverhis,

waitingforhimtokissme.Iwasdonebeingontheoffensive.Itwashisturntocometome.

Asalways,theanticipationalonewasenoughtodomein.Hisgazedartedbetweenmy

eyes and my mouth, and now that I was down to only lingerie, his hands met my skinno

matterwhereheputthem.Onewascurrentlyscaldingmylowerback,andotherwas istedin

myhair.Irockedmyhipsagainsthim,andhishandinmyhairtightened.

“Bliss.”Hisresponsewaschoked,likehewasinpain.

Ismiled.Thiswaskindoffun.

“Garrick,”Ireturned,eyeswideandasinnocentasIcouldmakethem.

“Thisistheoppositeofslow.”

I exhaled, swaying forward so that my bottom lip barely grazed his. I rubbed against

him,grindingattheslowestpaceIcould.Isaid,“Ithinkwe’vegoneslowenough.”

Thearmatmybackpulledmeinmore,untilmychestpressedagainsthis.Hestillhada

shirton.Iwanteditgone.

“Whatdoesthatmean?”Ah,therewasthatlookIloved—dark,abitunfocused.

“Itmeans,”Isaidasmyhandsfoundthebottomofhisshirt,“ThatI’mdonegoingslow.”

Ipulled,andhisarmsfollowedautomatically,allowingmetopulltheshirtoverhishead

beforehishandswentrightbackintotheirpreviouspositions.Ourchestsmet, skin sliding

against skin, and he groaned. He said, “I’m going to need you tobe very clear about what

you’resayingrightnow,Bliss.”

All right, it was time to just say it. And no euphemisms like beast with two backsor

horizontaltangooranythingridiculous.Sex.IfIwasgoingtohaveit,Icouldsureashellsayit.

Ileanedinandkissedhimforcourage.Tohellwithmakinghimcometome.Thattooktoo

long.WhenIpulledback,hislipstriedtofollow.Iappeasedhimwithanotherquickkissand

said,“Makelovetome?”

Everything about him tensed—his hands on me, his gorgeous face, and his body

beneathmine.

“Bliss,youdon’thavetodoanythingyoudon’twanttodoforme.”

“WhatabouttonighthasfeltlikeIwasbeingforcedtodoanything?Infact,Ifeelalittle

likeI’mforcingyou.”

Hislipscrushedagainstmine—teethandtonguesandheat.Itwasjustenoughtomake

meshakewithwant,andthenitwasover.

Garrickwaspantingwhenhereplied,“You’renotforcingmetodoanything.Ijustwant

youtobesure.Youcansaystopatanytime.”Hislipspulledwide.“Youdon’t needtomakeup

anewpet.”

Thatgrin…itwassoinfuriatingandsexyatthesametime.

Iputmyhandsonhisshouldersandpushedaway,standingup.“Ifyou’regoingtokeep

tryingtotalkmeoutofit…”

Ihadn’teventakenonefullstepawaybeforehe’dgrabbedme,andspunsothatmyback

hitthemattress.Mybreathleftmylungsinarush,andthesightofhimprowlingaboveme

madeheatcurllowinmybelly.

“Iwasn’ttryingtotalkyououtofanything.Iwastryingtobeagentleman.”

Huh.He’dtriedtopullthegentlemancardthat irstnight,too.Hewasstillhoveringover

me,andIloopedmy ingersintothebeltloopsonhisjeans,andtuggedhimdownontopof

me.

“Domeafavor?Beagentlemantomorrow?”

Iwasfairlycertainhesaid,“YesMa’am,”butthenhewaskissingme,andIcouldn’t care

less.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Hekissedmehard,andlongenoughthatIcouldtastemoreofhiminmymouththan

myself.Idugmy ingernailsintohisshoulders,becauseIhadlearnedthateverytimeIdid,he

pressedhishipsharderagainstmine.

Ifheweren’tcareful,Iwoulddrawbloodsoon.

Hishandssmoothedupmysides,sendingshiversacrossmyskinwhenhepassedthe

sensitivespots.Andfinally,onehandstolearoundmyback,reachingfortheclaspofmybra.

Hislipsleftmineforthehollowofmyneck,Hischin,onceagaincoveredinscruffgrazed

thetopofmybreasts.

Iarcheduptowardhimatthesamemomentthatthesnapsonmybracameundone.The

coldairhardenedmynipplesintolittlebuds,andIachedforhimtotouchme.Hesaidonce

that we could own each other, and I wanted nothing more in that moment.Garrick kissed

downbetweenmybreasts,hischeeksgrazingslightlyacrosstheswells.Idugmy ingernails

inagain,andhishipspresseddownatthesamemomentthathetookonebreastintohishand

andtheotherintohismouth.Somethingsparkedbeneathmyskin,andImoaned,buckingup

againsthiminresponse.

Herolledonenipplebetweenhis ingers,andtheotherhesqueezedlightlybetweenhis

teeth,andIcouldfeeldarknesscreepinginonmyvision.

Wordsstreamedfrommymouth,somefamiliar,somenot.

Thelastofwhichwas,“Iloveyou.”

Heroseupoffmewithagrin.“IfI’dknownitwasthateasytogetyoutoadmithowyou

feel,Iwouldhavedonethisalongtimeago.”

My brain was beyond responding with words. Instead my hands found his belt. I

unbuckledit,andthenflickedopenthebuttontohisjeans.

Hischeekysmilewasgonenow.

Slowly,Ipulleddownhiszipper,andthesoundalonemadeamoanriseinmythroat. I

pushed his jeans and boxers down together. When he pulled back to shuck his pantsoff

completely,Itookthemomenttoslipmypantiesdownandoff,andgrabacondomfrommy

drawer.

Whenhelookedup,hefrozeforasecondinshock,asifhejustnowrealizedhowserious

Iwas.Heshookitoffquickly,andswoopedinforakiss.

“YouknowIloveyou,right?”

“Ido.”Itoldhim.Idon’tthinkIcouldhavedoneitifIdidn’tknowthat.That waswhatI’d

needed.That’swhatmadethefear,thenervesbearable.

He kissed me again, and his ingers found my entrance. He slipped two inside at the

sametimethathistonguemetmine.Hestartedslowly,thenhiskissesspedupalongwithhis

ingers. I squeezed his shoulders, my ingernails scraping lightly, and wasrewarded with a

crookingofhisfingersinsideme.

Imoaned,breakingourkiss.

His lips returned again to my chest, placing feather light kisses everywhere he could

reach.Icouldfeelapressurebuildinglowinmycore,andIpulledhisheadbackuptomine.He

pressedhisforeheadagainstmine,ourlipstouching,butnotkissing,thenhispalmpressed

down against me, and an explosion ignited beneath my skin. Likea string of ireworks, my

worlddetonatedintoburstsoflightandcolor.

Theworldwascomingtogetherandcrumblingtopiecesbehindmyclosedeyes,andmy

mouth was still open in a silent scream. I felt his kiss below my ear, and I reachedfor him,

wrappingmyarmsaroundhismiddle.

Thelengthofhimpressedagainstme,andmywholebodyshudderedinresponse.

“Areyousure?”Heaskedmeagain.

Mybraindidn’tknowhowtoplayitcoolatthemoment,soIsaid,“Please,God,yes.”

Therewasapinchingsensation,notpleasant,buttherestofmybodywastoorelaxedto

really think too much of the pain. He kissed me as he pushed inside, then brokeoff with a

groan.

“OhGod,Bliss.”

His whole body was tense above me. I could see the pronounced lines of his lexed

musclesinhisshoulders,inthearmsbracedoneithersideofme.Icouldfeelitinthewarm

chestpressedagainstmine.Idistractedmyselffromthepainbyfollowingthoselineswithmy

eyesandhands.

Afterafewmoments,hetookadeepbreathandgazedatme.Hesoothedme irstwith

hislips,andthenwithwhispersof“love”and“beautiful”and“perfect.”

Hestilledcompletelyoncehewasinside,crushinghislipsagainstmine.Mylimbsfelta

bitlikeJell-O,soIjustwrappedmyselfaroundhim,holdinghimastightlyasIcould.

Hepulledout,justalittle,beforepushingbackin.

Ibreathedoutsharply,bitingmylipagainstthetwingeofpain.
Garrick’slipscapturedthatbottomlipbetweenhisown,soothing,careful.

“Areyouokay?”Heasked.

Inodded,notsureIcouldspeak.

“Doyouneedmetostop?”

I shook my head. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted him to feel what I’d felt

earlier.Iwantedtoholdhimashecameapartinmyarms.

Herepeatedtheaction,andthistime,itwasn’tsomuchpainasdiscomfort.

“Keepgoing,”Iwhispered.

Garrickburrowedhisheadintothecurveofmyneck,dragginghismouthovermypulse

point as he pushed in and out again. The next time I was coherent enough to tip myhips

upwardtomeethimhalfway.HisresponsewasagroanthatIfeltallthewaydowntomytoes.

His mouth memorized the skin of my neck and shoulders as we developed a rhythm

betweenus.Somethingpushedandpulledinsideofme,andeachtimeourskinconnected,I

felt the pressure build a little bit more. His hand cupped my breast, and I felt thepleasure

snakedownmymiddletotheplacewhereourbodiesmet.

Iwrappedmylegsaroundhishipsandpulledhimfartherintome.Hisrhythmstuttered

foramoment,hiseyesclosed,andhewasbeautifulashetriedtoholdhimselftogether.

Mywholeworldwasexpandinginthecircleofhisarms.

Hestartedmovingagainafteramoment,andthistimehereachedahandbetweenus.

I’dworryabouthowhegottobesogoodatthislater,butfornowIwastoobusyreapingthe

bene its.Iwassoclose,andeverymuscleinmewasclenchedtight.Idugmy ingernailsinto

hisshoulderonefinaltime,myfavoritenewtrick,andhishipssnappedforward.

“Bliss,”Hegroundout.

Ijustwrappedmylegstighteragainsthim,androlledmyhipsupward.Hisheaddropped

tomyneck,hisbreathhotagainstmyskin.Hethrustforwardagainsohardthatmywhole

body shifted and pleasure poured through my body so fast that my vision wentspotty. His

bodystilledagainstmine,hisfacestillpressedintomyneck,hisarmscradlingme.Iliftedhis

facetomine,watchingashiseyesclenchedshutandhismouthfellopen,andhiswholebody

shudderedovermine.

Whenhiseyesopened,theywerestilldark,butfocusedonme.Hepressedakisstomy

forehead,theneachcheek,andfinallymylips.

“Iloveyou,”wesaidtogether.

Heslippedoutofme,andIimmediatelyreachedforhim,missinghim,missingtheway

we it together. He settled beside me and gathered me in his arms. I laid my headonto his
chest, where I could hear his heartbeat. It was just as fast as mine. Helaced our ingers

together,andpressedhischeekintothetopofmyhair.

Itwasperfect.

Iwasfullofperfectmomentstoday.

AndIwasn’tsureifwhatIsaidnextwouldmakeitmoresoorruineverything,butI’d

foundthatnotthinkingtoomuchworkedwellwithGarrick.Whenmybreathingcalmed,Isaid,
“IlookedatapartmentsinPhiladelphia.”

“Youdid?”

Inodded,stillunsurewhathewasthinking.

“Iknowwestillhaven’ttalkedaboutthis,”Ibegan.“ButI’vebeendoingsomethinking,

andI’vedecidedIdowanttofocusonacting,notstagemanagement,andsinceIcan’tafford

New York, Philly seems like a pretty good place. I mean, I haven’t made any inal plans. I’ve

only done some research. You know, looked at some theatres, upcoming auditions,

apartments,anddayjobs,thatkindofthing.Butifyoudon’tthinkit’sagoodidea,Idon’thave

to—“

“Stoprightthere,crazytalker.”

Thiswasanawfulidea.I’djustruinedagreatmoment…likeIalwaysdid.Seriously,Iwas

goingtoinventsomekindofmachinetoshockmeorpunchmeinthefacewheneverIdidshit

likethis.Itwouldbelikeconditioning,andmaybeeventuallyI’dlearntoshutthehellup.His

handfoundmyjaw,andtitledmyfaceuptowardhis.Histhumbgrazedmylip,andhiseyes

gazedintomine.

“IthinkyouwouldlovePhilly,”hetoldme.

Thelightwasshiningagainintheformofhissmile,andIrelaxedintohisarms.

“Butdon’tworryaboutresearchingapartments.Youcanstaywithmewhileyoulook for

aplace.”

His face was carefully constructed—the lines smooth, his lips closed and resting

somewhereclosetoasmile.Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat,andsaid,“Really?”

“And if you don’t ind a place you like, you can always decide to just stay with me

permanently.”

Ireachedup,andbrushedhishairbackfromhisforeheadsothatIcouldseehiseyes.

“Are you asking me to move in with you? I can’t tell. You’re usually much more direct than

that.”

Hesmiled.“Thatwasmeattemptingtoaskyoutomoveinwithmewithoutscaringyou

off.Diditwork?”

Isaid,“I’mnotscared.”

AndImeantit.

Epilogue

SixMonthsLater

Garrick

MyeyeswerealwaysdrawntoBlissduringthisscene.Shewaslovelyandjoyous,andit

tookallofmyfocustokeepfromrushingtoher.Ourdirectorhadwrittenherownadaptation

of the classicPride and Prejudice,and I doubted she’d approve of me adding my own

adaptation wherein Bingley and Elizabethend up together instead of that surly Mr. Darcy.

Bliss’s eyes connected with mine,and even though I was supposed to be fawning over her

character’ssister,mycharacterwasthelastthingonmymind.Wemovedintoformationfora

dancewherewewereconstantlymovingandspinning.EverytimeBlissandIpassed,oureyes

would meet, our handswouldbrush,andI’dcursethecastingdirectorwhodidn’tmakeme

Darcy.Icouldbesurly.

Immediatelyafterthecurtaincall,Ifoundherbackstageandpulledherintomyarms.

“Garrick,”Shesighedintomyembrace.Thewordsvibratedagainstmychest,andIheldher

tighter.

I whispered into her ear, “You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and

loveyou.”

Shelaughed.“Yousaythateverynightaftertheshow.”

I pulled back, and my cheek slid against hers. The curls around her face tickled my

forehead.“WhatcanIsay?I’mpersistent.”

Shehummed,herlipspressedtightlytogether.“Persistent?I’dsayunimaginative.You

couldatleastgetyourownline.”

Itracedmyfingersoverherback.Icouldfeelthestaysinhercorset.God,I’dlovetosee

herinthat.Onlyinthat.

“Youwantsomethingoriginal,love?”

“Ido.Tomorrow,Iexpectthebestlineyou’vegot,Mr.Taylor.Butnow,Ineedto goget

dressed.”

She stepped away from me, and moved toward the women’s dressing room. She

lookedatmeoverhershoulder,andIfeltthatlookgoallthewaythroughme.Severaloriginal

thingswentthroughmymind,noneofwhichIcouldsayoutloud.Hergrinseemedtosaythat

shenewexactlywhatIwasthinking.

“Hurry,”Isaid.

“Patienceisavirtue,Mr.Taylor.”

Sheknewthatnamemadememental.Itmademefeellikeherteacheragain,which

wasinfuriatingandsexyashellallatthesametime.Iwenttosayasmuch,butshe’dalready

duckedintothedressingroom.

Itookamomenttobreatheandclearmyhead.

Tonight,myplanstartedtonight.IfIdidn’t,I’dprobablyendupblurtingitout withno

warningwhatsoever.AndwithBliss’stendencytopanicthatwasdefinitelynotthewaytogo.

Ichangedoutofmycostume,andhungitupforthemaintenancecrewasquickasI

could.Tomorrowwasourdayoff,whichmeantitwaslaundryday.Goodthingtoobecause my

costumehadde initelysmeltbetter.Afewcastmatesinvitedusoutfordrinks,butIbegged

off.IhopedBlissdidthesame.Iwantedheralltomyselftonight.

IwasdressedandwaitingforBlissinrecordtime.Whenthe irstgirlcameout,she

laughedandshookherhead.Sheleanedbackinandsaid,“Bliss,yourboyfriendispractically

salivatingouthere.”

Boyfriend.Istillwasn’tquiteusedtothat.EvenafterBlissgraduated,itwasawkward

when people saw us together. It was nice that we had something fresh in Philly. We didn’t

havetohide.

Everygirlthatexitedgavemeaknowingsmile,butBlisstookhertime,longereven

thannormal.

“Bliss!”Icalledthroughthedoor.“Areyoutryingtotortureme?”

Thedoorswungopenagain,anothersmirkingactress,butnotBliss.Isighed.Thegirl

said,“I’mprettysuresheis.”

Igroaned,andpressedmyfaceintothewall.Thedooropened,andIdidn’tevenbother

looking.

“Go ahead, Loverboy. I’m the last one left.” I turned to ind Alice, the older woman

playingMrs.Bennett.Ismiledandreachedforthedoor.Alicelaughed,“Goodluck!”

Ididn’tthinkanythingofherreplyuntilIwalkedintothedressingroom.

Bloodyhell.

Blisswasstillwearingthecorset,sittinginachairstaringatmethroughthemirror.

Herbreastswerepushedupandout,andhereyesweredarkasshelookedatme.Shereached

a hand up, and started pulling bobby pins from her hair. It tumbled down aroundher

shoulders,andmymouthwentdry.

Shewasstunning.

“IthoughtItoldyoutobepatient.”

Iforcedmyfeetintomotion,andwalkedupbehindher.Ireachedoutandhelpedher

withthepins.God,Ilovedherhair.Iwrappedacurlaroundmy ingerandsaid,“I’mgoodat

beingpatient.I’mjustnotgoodatstayingawayfromyou.Surelyyouknowthatbynow.”

Shegrinned,andleanedherheadbackintomyhands.“Ithinkthat’sbeenobviousfrom

thebeginning.”

I dropped my hands from her hair to her neck. I pressed down with my thumbs,

massaginggently. Her eyes luttered closed. Her lips parted. She had no idea how sexy she

was.Inthatcorset,shelookedlikea1950spinupgirl.

I leaned down and pressed my lips to the curve of her shoulder. Somehow, despite

beingonstageundertheheatofthelightsforseveralhours,shestillsmelleddivine.Idragged

mymouthuphernecktothatspotbelowherearthatdrovehercrazy.

She exhaled, like my kiss had pushed all the air out of her lungs. Her hand curled

aroundthebackofmyhead,pullingmecloser.Ismiledagainstherskin.

Shesaid,“You’vebewitchedme.”

Ichuckled,andtraceda ingeralongthe inebonesofhercollar.Icouldmapoutthe

architectureofherbodyfordaysandnevergetbored.

“Bodyandsoul?”Iasked,quotingtheplay.

Iopenedmymouthandtastedherskin.Itwasalmostasdeliciousashergroanthat

followed.

“Definitely,”shesaid.

“Whoisbeingunoriginalnow?”

Aknockatthedoorbrokethespellbetweenus.Benji,thestagemanager,pokedhis

headintheroom.IturnedsothatIblockedBlissandthatcorruptingcorset.

“Youguysaboutready?I’mgoingtolockup.”

“Sorry,Ben.We’llbeoutinjustasec.”Hisexpressionwasskeptical.“Ipromise. Two

minutes.”

Assoonasheshutthedoor,Blissstood.Ihadtoclosemyeyestokeepfromtouching

her.Thatcorset…myGod.Ikeptmyeyesclosedbecausethatwastheonlywaywe’dmakeit

outofhereintwominutes.Evenso,hearingherchangeclotheswastorture.Everyrustleof

fabricandzippedzipperbroughtavividpictureintomymind.EventhoughIcouldn’tseeher,

Icouldfeelherpresence,especiallywhenshesteppedinfrontofme.

Herhandcurledaroundmyneck,tiltingmyheaddown.Ikeptmyeyesclosed,butthe

heatofherbreathcaressedmyface.

“Let’sgohome,Mr.Taylor.”

Thatname.Iopenedmyeyes,andshewassmirking.Twocouldplayatthatgame.“Oh,

MissEdwards,Ithinkthatmightdeservedetention.”

Hereyesnarrowed.

“Ormaybealittlepunishment.”

Igotsomuchpleasureoutofseeingtheredrisetohercheeks.
“Youwouldn’t.”

Rather than answering, I bent and hauled her over my shoulder. She squeaked, and

clutchedatmyback.

“Garrick!”

“Hush,MissEdwards.I’mtakingyouhome.”

Benji was waiting impatiently by the backstage door. His frown deepened when he

sawus.Hesaid,“First,thatwasthreeminutes.Icounted.Second,youtwoaredisgusting.Ifeel

likeI’mwatchingsomeLifetimemovie.”

Ijustlaughedandtoldhimgoodnight.Blissonlypoutedat irst,butwhenIkepther

overmyshoulderevenasweleftthebuilding,shestartedtostruggle.

“Okay,Garrick,you’vemadeyourpoint.”

“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.There’snopoint.Ijustlikecarryingyou.”

“Well,you’vehadyourfun.Putmedown.”

I stopped for a moment and pretended to think. I took the opportunity to slide my

handupthebackofherthigh.

Ianswered,“I,forone,thinkthere’smorefuntobehad.”

Isetoffagain,andeitherBlisswasparalyzedorshewasreallyinterestedinwheremy

handwasgoingtogonextbecauseshedidn’tmoveagain.

UntilIstarteddescendingthestairstothetube,thenshekickedherlegs,andgavea

swift,warningpinchtomyside.“Garrick,Irefusetoletyoucarrymeontothesubway.Down,

now.”

Icouldpictureherfaceredwithanger,andsuddenlywantedtoseeit.Flushedcheeks.

Narrowedeyes.Pursedlips.WhenIgottothebottomofthestairs,Ipulled,allowingherbody

toslidedownmine.Ikeptmyhandsatherwaisttoslowherdescent.Theshiftingofherbody

againstminewasheavenly.Shesuckedinabreath,andwhenourfaceswerelevel,hereyes

were not narrowed, but closed. Her lips weren’t pursed,but her bottom lip was caught

betweenherteethinawaythatmademymouthdry.Hercheekswerestill lushed,butIhada

feelingitwasn’taboutangeranymore.

“Youdidthatonpurpose,”shesaid.

Ilaughed,anditcameoutraspy.Shewasn’ttheonlyoneaffectedbyourcloseness. “I

definitelydidthatonpurpose.Ithinkweshouldmakethisapost-showritual,actually.”

Sheshookherhead,andsmiled,butshedidn’tsayno.Evenunderthedimlightsofthe

tubestation,shewasradiant.Istillcouldn’tbelieveIcouldtouchher.There wasnoonetopull

usapart.Nothingtogetusintrouble.Iwastemptedtoannouncemyloveforhertoallthe
other commuters, but I didn’t want to break this moment.I liked the quiet way she was

lookingatme,hereyes illedwithmorethanjustdesire.Shemademehappy,andIhopedI

wasseeingthesameinherrightthen.Suddenly,Iwasexcitedtogethomeandputmyplan

intoaction.

Iburiedmy ingersintoherhair,andpulledherinforakiss.Herhandstightenedon

myshoulders,her ingernailspressingintomyskin.Itookmytimetastinghermouth,losing

myselfaswewaitedforthetrain.

***

Assoonaswearrivedhome,ItoldBlissIwasgoingtotakeashower.Sundayswerea

two-showday,soIcertainlyneededit.Ilethergoin irsttobrushherteeth.Iwaitedforthe

watertoturnon,thenleaptintoaction.IfoundHamlet’sfeatheredcattoy(theonlyreason

shewouldeverwillinglygetclosetoBliss),andhiditunderneaththebed.ThenIwenttothe

closetandfoundthesuitcoatpocketwhereI’dhiddenthering.Ipoppedopentheboxtolook

atitonemoretime.

Itwasn’tmuch.Iwasonlyanactor,afterall.ButBlisswasn’tonetowearmuch jewelry

anyway.Itwassimpleandsparkling,andIhopedshewouldloveitasmuchasIlovedher.A

poppingsensationfilledmygutlikethosesillycandyrocksthatBlissloved.

WhatifIwaspushinghertoofast?

No. No, I’d thought this out. It was the best way. I opened the top drawer of the

nightstand,andslidtheringboxtowardtheback.Thewaterinthebathroomshutoff,andI

wentbacktothecloset,shuckingmyshirt.ItosseditinthehamperatthesametimeBliss

walkedintheroom.

Shecameupbehindmeandplacedahandonmybareback.Shepressedasmallkiss

onmyshoulderandasked,“GetHamletformebeforeyoushower?”

Ismiled,andnodded.

BlisswassodeterminedtomakeHamletlikeherthatsheplayedwiththecatforat

least half an hour before bed every night. Hamlet would stick around for as long asBliss

wavedthatfeatheredtoyintheair,buttheminuteBlisstriedtotouchher,shewasgone.

IfoundHamletinthekitchen,hidingunderneaththekitchentable.Ireachedahand

down,andshebuttedherheadagainstmy ingers,purring.Ipickedherupatthesametime

thatBlissasked,“Babe,haveyouseenthecattoy?”

I walked into the room, and deposited Hamlet on the bed. She hunkered down and

eyedBlisswithdistrust.

“Wheredidyouseeitlast?”Iaskedher.

“IthoughtI’dleftitonthedresser,butIcan’tfindit.“
IpettedHamletoncetokeephercalm,thenplacedaquickkissonBliss’scheek.

“Idon’tknow,honey.Areyousureyoudidn’tleaveitsomewhereelse?”

Shesighed,andstartedlookinginotherspotsaroundtheroom.Iturnedandhidmy

smileasIleft.Inippedintothebathroomandturnedtheshoweron.Iwaitedafewseconds,

wentbackinthehallway.

“Bliss?”Icalled.

“Yeah?”

“Check the drawers of the nightstand! She was playing with it in the middle of the

night,andIthinkIremembertakingitawayandstickingitinthere.”

“Okay!”

Throughtheopendoor,Iwatchedhercirclearoundtheedgeofthebed.Iwalkedin

placeforafewseconds,lettingmyfeetdropalittleheavierthannecessary,thenopenedand

closedthedoorlikeI’dgonebackinsidethebathroom.ThenIhidinthespacebetweenthe

backofthebedroomdoorandthewallwhereIcouldjustseethroughthecrackbetweenthe

hinges.Shepulledopenthetopdrawer,andmyheartbeatwaslikeabassdrum.Idon’tknow

whenithadstartedbeatingsohard,butnowitwasallthatIcouldhear.

Itwasn’tlikeIwasaskinghertomarrymenow.IjustknewBliss,andknewshetended

topanic.Iwasgivingheraverybig,veryobvioushintsothatshe’dhavetimetoadjustbefore

Iactuallyaskedher.Theninafewmonths,whenIthoughtshe’dgottenusedtotheidea,I’d

askherforreal.

Thatwastheplananyway.Itwassupposedtobesimple,butthisfelt…complicated.

Suddenly,Ithoughtofallthethousandsofwaysthiscouldgowrong.Whatifshefreakedout?

Whatifsheranlikeshedidour irstnighttogether?Ifsheran,wouldshegobacktoTexas?Or

wouldshegotoCadewholivedinNorthPhilly?He’dletherstayuntilshe iguredthingsout,

andthenwhatifsomethingdevelopedbetweenthem?

Whatifshejust latouttoldmeno?Everythingwasgoodrightnow.Perfect,actually.

WhatifIwasruiningitbypullingthisstunt?

IwassocaughtupinmydoomsdaypredictionsthatIdidn’tevenseethemomentthat

shefoundthebox.Iheardheropenitthough,andIheardherexhaleandsay,“OhmyGod.”

Wherebeforemymouthhadbeendry,nowIcouldn’tswallowfastenough.Myhands

wereshakingagainstthedoor.Shewasjuststandingtherewithherbacktome.Icouldn’t see

herface.AllIcouldseewashertense,straightspine.Sheswayedslightly.

What if she passed out? What if I’d scared her so much that she actually lost

consciousness?Istartedtothinkofwaystoexplainitaway.

Iwaskeepingitforafriend?

Itwasapropforashow?

Itwas…Itwas…shit,Ididn’tknow.

Icouldjustapologize.TellherIknewitwastoofast.

I waited for her to do something—scream, run, cry, faint. Anything would be better

thanherstillness.Ishouldhavejustbeenhonestwithher.Iwasn’tgoodatthings likethis.I

saidwhatIwasthinking—noplans,nomanipulation.

Finally,whenIthoughtmybodywouldcrumbleunderthestressalone,sheturned.She

facedthebed,andIonlygotherpro ile,butshewasbitingherlip.Whatdidthatmean?Was

shejustthinking?Thinkingofawaytogetoutofit?

Then,slowly,likethesunrisepeekingoverthehorizon,shesmiled.

Shesnappedtheboxclosed.

Shedidn’tscream.Shedidn’trun.Shedidn’tfaint.

Theremighthavebeenalittlecrying.

Butmostly…shedanced.

She swayed and jumped and smiled the same way she had when the cast list was

postedforPhaedra.Shelostherselfthesamewayshedidafteropeningnight,rightbeforewe

madeloveforthefirsttime.

MaybeIdidn’thavetowaitafewmonthsafterall.

Shesaidshewantedmybestlinetomorrowaftertheshow,andnowIknewwhatit

wasgoingtobe.

Acknowledgements

Writingthisbookwasnothingshortofawhirlwind.Igottheidea,anditwasdifferent

thananythingelseI’dwrittenbefore.Mysisterencouragedmetowriteit,andtheninonlya

matterofweeks,Ihada irstdraft.Decidingtoself-publishwasasimilarlyquickandchaotic

affair.Throughitall,Ihavequiteafewpeopletothank.

First,IhavetothankmyMother,whoinstilledinmealoveofbooks.Thankyouforbeing

myteacherandmyfriend.Thankyouforproof-readingprettymucheverythingIwrite.Thank

youforalwaysbelievingthatIwasgiftedenoughtomakemydreamscometrue.TomyDad,I

knowmychoicesstressyouout.We’vearguedaboutalotofthem,butyouarealwaysthere

when I need you. This was no different, so thank you!To my sisters, thank you for loving

bookswithme,forlisteningtomeblatheronaboutmyideas,forbeingenthusiasticaboutmy

workwhenIamunsure,andforputtingupwiththewindmill.Iloveyou.

Thank you to Lindsay and Michelle, my irst readers. I don’t think I would have ever

inishedthisbookifyoutwohadn’tloveditasmuchasyoudid.ThankstoAnaforbeingmy

cheerleader.YouknowI’llalwaysreturnthefavor.AndthankyoutoHeatherforansweringmy

plethoraofself-pubquestions.

Andlast,butcertainlynotleast,thankyouforreading!Thankyoutothebloggerswho

helped spread the word, the girls at YA Sisterhood especially. Thank you, thank you, a

thousandtimesthankyou!

About the Author

Cora Carmack is a twenty-something writer who likes to write about twenty-something

characters.She’sdoneamultitudeofthingsinherlife--boringjobs(likeworkingatTarget),

Fun jobs (like working in a theatre), stressful jobs (like teaching),and dream jobs (like

writing).Shelovestheatre,travel,andanythingthatmakesherlaugh.Sheenjoysplacingher

characters in the most awkward situations possible,and then trying to help them get a

boyfriendoutofit.Awkwardpeopleneedlove,too.

Followherontwitter@CoraCarmack

Visit her blog (

http://coracarmack.blogspot.com

) for updates about future awkward

romances!

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

102

Chapter Nineteen

108

Chapter Twenty

116

Chapter Twenty-One

121

Chapter Twenty- Two

126

Chapter Twenty-Three

130

Chapter Twenty-Four

136

Chapter Twenty-Five

141

Chapter Twenty-Six

145

Chapter Twenty-Seven

151

Chapter Twenty-Eight

156

Epilogue

160

Acknowledgements

167

About the Author

168

Document Outline

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty- Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author

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