JudgingBooks

ShaySavage

AllRightsReserved

Editing:Chayasara

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedin

anyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeansincluding
informationstorageandretrievalsystemswithouttheexpress

permissionoftheauthor,ShaySavage—exceptinthecaseof

briefexcerptsorquotationsembodiedinrevieworcritical

writings.

Thecharactersandeventsinthisbookarefictitiousorareused

fictitiously.Anysimilaritytorealpersons,livingordead,is

purelycoincidentalandnotintendedbytheauthor.

CoverartbyJadaD’LeeDesigns

Chapter1—Preparation

“Idobelieveyouarenearlyperfect.”

Presleytwirledamakeupbrushbetweenherperfectlymanicurednailsbefore

layingitdownonthebathroomcounter.Shetossedherplatinumblondehairoffher

shoulderbeforestandingandmotioningmetothemirrorinherbedroom.

Iglancedatthelarge,freestandingmirrorinfrontofmeandturnedtotheleftand

thentheright.Afterspendingyearslookingatmyselfinstylesrangingfromcollegiate

casualtoeveningformal,seeingmyselfinaconservative,corporatesuitseemedstrange.

Hairup,simplediamondstudearrings,scarfaroundmyneck…Ibarelyrecognized

myself.OnlythelabelsontheVersacesuitandPradapursewerefamiliar.

I’dhardlycallmyself“perfect”though.Not“nearlyperfect”either.

Ismiledatmyreflection,goingforthatlookofconfidencesomeonewitha

master’sdegreeinaccountingshouldhavewhenapplyingforajob.Smoothand

easygoing,asifIdidn’thaveacareintheworld.

Inside,myheartpoundedandmystomachchurnedthismorning’stakeoutcrepes

fromBarney’sBakery.IwishedIhadjuststayedatmyownapartmentlastnightinstead

ofagreeingtostayhereandletPresleyfixmeupformyinterview.

“Ashlyn?”Presleyplacedherhandonmyarm.“Youallright?”

“Nervous.”

“Whateverfor?”Presleylookedgenuinelyconfused.“It’snotlikeyouaren’t

goingtogetthejob.”

“Istillwanttointerviewwell.Idon’twanttolooklikeIdon’tknowwhatI’m

talkingabout,andIdon’twanttoembarrassDad.IfeellikeI’mrepresentingthewhole

Dragonovfamily.”

“You’llbefine.”Presleywasdismissiveinhertoneandaflippantwaveofher

hand.

“I’veneverevenhadajobbefore,”Isaid.“Ineversomuchasbabysata

neighbor’skid,deliveredapizza,oraskedifanyonewantedfrieswiththeirorder.IfDad

didn’thandmecashforwhateverIwanted,Isimplyusedthecreditcard.”

“Youandmeboth,sister.”Presleylaughed.“I’mnotevensureifI’llgetajob

aftergraduation.Accordingtoyourdad’scompany,mytrustfundprettymuchcoversme

forlifeandthensome.I’mthinkingaboutgoingtotheVirginIslandsormaybePuerto

Ricoandjustchillingforawhile.”

“Didn’tthelastroundofhurricanesmakethatalittledifficult?”

“IfigureIcanhelpout,”Presleysaidwithashrug.

Trustfundlifestyleaside,Presleywasoftenthefirstinlinewhenitcametothose

sheconsideredlessfortunate,whichweremostpeople.Shehadathingforfive-kilometer

walksandpoliticalfundraisers.

“Areyougoingtohelpdistributesupplies?”

“Ifigurethere’sprobablyalotofpeoplewhowon’tbeabletofixuptheirhomes

orbusinesses.Zoey’sbeentalkingaboutcombiningherbroadcastingdegreewithher

newfoundloveofhouse-flippingandstartingupanewrealityTVshow.Ifwecanoffer

peoplewhowanttorelocategoodpricesfortheirhomes…well,realestateisalwaysa

goodinvestment.”

“Couldn’tthatbeconsidered…Idon’tknow…takingadvantageofthesituation?”

“Someonehastodoit.”Presleytuckedherhairbehindherear.“Ashlyn,you

shouldgowith.Ibetwewouldneedanaccountant.ScrewDaddyDragonov’scompany.”

“Thatissonotinthecards.”

“Justforamonthortwo,”Presleysaid.Shewasalwaysgoodatpressinganissue.

“Itwouldbegoodtogiveyourselfoptions.”

“Nocando,”Ireplied.“I’llstartworkjusttwoweeksaftergraduation,andIstill

needtofindanewapartmentbeforeourleaseexpires.Irefusetomovebackhome.I’m

notgoingtobeoneofthosepeoplewholivewithdaddyintotheirthirties.”

“Alwayswanttoprovesomethingtoeveryone,don’tyou?”

“Justtomyself.”Mywordswerealiebutonlypartially.Ididwanttoproveto

myselfthatIcoulddowellonmyownwithoutDad’sbacking.Inside,IknewIwanted

otherstolookatmeandrealizeIhaddoneitonmyown,too.

Itookadeepbreathandlookedbackinthemirror.AtleastIlookedthepartofa

highlypaidexecutive.IfIaddedupthemoneyspentonthissingleoutfit,Iwouldfind

somethingclosetothegrossnationalproductofasmallcountry.

“Arewedonehere?”Iasked.

“Nope.”Presleytappedherfingeragainstherlipsandshookherhead.“One

changeneeded.”

IcontinuedtostareatmyreflectionasPresleydisappearedintohergiantwalk-in

closetandrummagedaroundintheback.Shereturnedwithapairofshoes.

“Seriously?”Itiltedmyheadandnarrowedmyeyesatthemonstrositiesin

Presley’shands.Three-inchheelswithpointytoesseemedabitmuchforajobinterview.

“Definitely.YoucannevergowrongwithLouboutin.”

“Therearestepsleadinguptotheofficebuilding,youknow.”

“You’lllive.”

“Ugh.”Igrabbedtheshoesfromherfingers,satdownonanearbychair,andput

themon.Istoodup,wobbledforamomentbeforegettingmybalance,andlookedbackin

themirror.

Presleywasright.Theshoesmadetheoutfit.

“Nowthatisthelookofanup-and-comingCFO!”

“Iwon’tstartastheCFO.”Ishookmyheadandlaughed.“I’llbeherassistant

untilsheretires.”

“I’veseenher,”Presleysaid.“Sheshouldhaveretiredlastyear.”

“She’sonlysixty.”

“Right.Practicallydead.”

“Thatismyauntyou’retalkingabout.”Iscowled,butPresleyonlyshrugged.

Presleyploppeddownontheedgeofthebedandgrabbedherphone.Herfingers

flewoverthetouchscreenforafewminutesasIflattenedmyskirtoutwithmyhandsand

walkedafewstepsintheshoes.Theyweren’ttoouncomfortable,andIwasn’tplanning

onwalkinginthemverymuch.Ishouldbefine.

Iglancedatmychildhoodfriend.Shehadnarrowedhereyesandpressedherlips

tightlytogether.Iwonderedwhoshewastextingwithsoemphaticallyandhopedshe

wasn’tgoingtodemandpicturesofmyoutfittosendtoourfriends.Iappreciatedher

help,butIneverlikedbeingthecenterofattentionlikeshedid.

“ClubManiatonight.”Presleyleanedbackanddroppedherphoneontheduvet

besideher.

“Idon’tknowhowlongtheinterviewwilllast,”Isaid.“Dadwillprobablywant

metogooutfordinnerorsomethingafterward.”

“So?Comelater.”

“We’llsee.”

“We’llseeyouthere.”Shestood,grabbedherphoneagain,tappedfuriouslyfora

fewseconds,andthengrabbedherpurse.“Gottarun.Chemlabstartssoon,andIneeda

mocha.Youcanletyourselfout.Goodluckandallthat.Seeyoutonight!”

IwatchedasPresley,thestraightAchemistryPhDcandidate,exitedtheroomwith

apartingwaveandatwothousanddollarbackpacktoholdherbooks.Amomentlater,I

heardtheapartmentdoorclose.

Icheckedmyphoneforthetimeanddecidedtoreviewmynotesbeforeheadingto

theofficeformyinterview.EveryoneassumedIalreadyhadthejobinmypocket,which

wasmostlyaccurate,butIcouldn’tcompletelyblowtheinterviewandmakemyfather

justifyhiringmeanyway.IalsowantedtomakesureIgottheassistantCFOjobandnot

someunderlingstarterposition,oritwouldtakethatmuchmoretimetobecomethehead

ofthefinancialdepartment.

Nepotismwascertainlyevidentatmyfather’scompany,butIalsoknewmyshit,

andIplannedonprovingthattoday.

Isighed.IneededtogetmovingsoIwouldn’tbelate.

Ipickedupmyleatherbriefcasefullofactual,physicalcopiesofmyresume—on

linenpaper,whichIthoughtwasridiculousinthisdayandage,butmyadvisortoldmeto

doitanyway.Onthewaydownthehall,IdugforthefobtomySaabandtriednottofall

overintheridiculousshoes.

IntheparkinggarageforPresley’sapartment,myslickblackSaabneartheback

wallsatoffonitsownwiththetrunkpartiallyopen.Apparently,neitherPresleynorIhad

realizedwehadn’tcloseditafterretrievingourshoppingbagslastnight.

Islammedthetrunkandloweredmyselfintothedriver’sseat,automatically

placingmyfootonthebrake.Itfeltweird,andIrealizedthehigh-heeledshoeswere

goingtointerferewithmyabilitytodrive.Reachingdown,Ibumpedmyheadonthe

steeringwheelasItriedtogettheshoesoffandthenscrapedmylegwithoneofthe

spikedheelsasIsatup.

“Ugh!”Itossedtheshoesontothepassengerseatalongwithmypurseand

briefcase,placedmyfootbackonthebrake,andpushedthestartbutton.

Nothinghappened.

Ipushedthebuttonoverandoveragain,butallIheardwasaclickingsound.I

knewIhadfilledupthetankearlierintheweek,soIdefinitelyhadgas.Myfather

insistedonregularcarmaintenance,andithadbeenintheshopforatune-upwithinthe

lasttwomonths.

Thecarsimplywouldn’tstart.

Igrabbedmyphone,readytocallroadsideassistancetocomeandfixwhatever

wasgoingon,butthefirstthingInoticedwasthetime.Ihadgivenmyselfplentyoftime

todrivetoDragonovFinancialbutnotenoughtimetowaitforsomeonetofigureoutwhat

waswrongwithmycar.IfIleftimmediately,Iwouldjustbarelyhaveenoughtimeto

reachtheofficeonfootbeforemyinterview.

“Shit!”Ireachedover,grabbedtheheels,putthembackonmyfeet,and

abandonedthecar.Foramoment,Istoodjustoutsidetheparkinggarage,noticingthe

suddenpainfrommyleftheel.TherewasnowayIwasgoingtobeabletowalkinthese

things,butIalsocouldn’ttakethemoffandheaddownthecitystreet;mystockingswould

beruined!Therewasn’tanytimetorunbackuptotheapartmenttogetanyothershoes.

Onceagain,Iglancedatmyphoneforthetime.Ionlyhadafewminutestogetto

myinterviewontime,andtherewasn’tachoice.Iwasgoingtohavetowalk.

Intheseshoes.

Quickly.

Chapter2—Ride

Damntheseheels.

IwalkedasquicklyasIcould,giventhethree-inchstilettosPresleyforcedontomy

feet,mumblingundermybreathasIwent.

“Imean,seriously?It’snotlikethisisthesortofjobinterviewwhereyoudon’t

knowifyouaregoingtoendupwiththeposition.Imean,whenyourfatheralreadyowns

thecompany,chancesofyougettingthejobyouwantonceyougraduatearereallypretty

good.Whyareyousonervous?”

Halfwaythere,IconsideredsmackingmyselffornotcallingacaboranUberor

something.ThewalkfrommyplacetoDad’sofficewasn’treallythatfarundernormal

circumstances,butcontactingsomeoneforaridejusthadn’toccurredtomeintime.

“It’sonlyashortwalk,”Imuttered.“Itnotlikethesubwayisabetteroption.I

shouldhavecalledacab,butitwasonlyatwenty-minutewalk,andhailingataxiusually

tookahalfhour.”

Iwasbabblinglikeanidiot,andsomehomelessguywithapairofsocksonhis

handsandamangydogcurledupnexttohimlookedatmelikeIwasthecrazyone.I

shutmymouthandcontinuedon.

“Holyshit,sheisfuckhawt.”

Ididn’tevenlookoveratthegroupofboysonthecorner.Everycityseemedto

haveagroupofsuchkids—tattoos,piercingseverywhere,chainsmokingandgenerally

lookingliketheyexistjusttopissofftheirparents.Usuallytheywereonskateboards

thoughthisgroupseemedtopreferBMXbicycles.

Ofcourse,thelightchangedrightatthatmoment,andIwasstuckstandingnextto

them,waitingforthewalksignal.IrefusedtolookoverintheirdirectionthoughIcould

stillhearthemtalkingandtryingtogetmyattention.Iignoredthemandstaredstraight

aheadattheredhanddenyingmeaccesstotheothersideoftheroad.Iwonderedifthere

mightbeaproverbialchickennearbysoIcouldstaplemyselftoit.

“Hey,”asoftvoicesaidbesideme.Istartled.Ihadn’tevenheardhimcomeup,

butwhenIlookedtomyright,oneoftheboyswasrightnexttome.

Hewasstandinguponthebicyclewithonewheelhighupintheair,balancingon

thepedalsaseasilyasifhewerestandingontheground.Hewaswearingafadedpairof

rippedjeanswithonepant-legcompletelymissing,makingthegarmentahalfpairof

shorts.Hisshirtwasalsofadedwiththelogoofsomemetalbandonthefront.

WhenIlookedupathisface,IwassurprisedtoseehewasalittleolderthanIhad

originallyassumed.Ialwaysfiguredgroupsofboyshangingoutonthecornerranged

fromaboutfourteentosixteen,butthisonehadtobeoutofhighschool.Hehadacouple

ofdays’worthofstubblecoveringhischeeksandneck,longandunrulyblackhairtiedup

inaman-bun,andintense,brightgreeneyes.Hisfullbottomlipwasadornedwithapair

ofthinsilverhoopsthroughtheleftside,andamatchinghoopwentthroughhiseyebrow.

Threemorehungfromthelobeofhisrightear.Therewassomedark,swirlingtattoo

wrappingaroundhisleftarmandsomethingmorecolorfuljustpeekingoutofthecollarof

hisT-shirt,butIcouldn’tmakeoutthedetailsofeitherdesign.Therewasathin,gold

chainaroundhisneck,thefrontofwhichwastuckedintohisshirtwiththechainpulled

tightatthefront,thelumpofacharmofsomesorthidingunderneaththefabric.

“Wouldyougotodinnerwithme?”

“Excuseme?”TherewasnowayIhadheardhimright.Imean—guyswith

piercingsandtattoosdidn’twalkuptowomenwearingsuitsandheelstoaskthemoutfor

dinner.

“See,you’rereally,reallypretty.”Heshrugged,twistinghishipsalittleand

makingthebicyclespininafullcirclebeforefacingmeagain.“AndmybuddyCeeCee

saysifyou’reprettyontheoutside,you’reprobablyuglyontheinside.Ijustwanttosee

ifhe’sright.”

Istaredunabashedathim.

“Idon’tthinkhe’sright,”theboysaid,clarifying.“Iknowagreatplacetoeat,and

itwouldbeperfectforyou.”

“Perfectforme?”Iheardmyselfechohiswords.

“Ithinkyou’dliketogosomeplacewhereyouaren’texpectedtowearthosekinds

ofshoes.”

“What?”

“Youdon’tlikewearingthem,”hesaid,shruggingandswivelingthebikeagain.

“Howdoyouknowthat?”Iasked,unabletokeepthesurprisefrommyvoice.

“Thewayyoukeptlookingatthem.Iwasactuallywaitingforyoutotellthemto

fuckofforsomething.”Helaughed.“Imean,youlookatthemlikeyouhatethem,like

maybetheheelsimpaledyourdogonyourbirthdayorsomething.”

Iheardachimeandlookedacrossatthe“Don’tWalk”signandrealizedIhadjust

missedmyopportunitytogetacrossthestreet.

“Dammit!”Imumbled.Iturnedbacktohim.“Look,I’msorry,butI’mreallyina

hurry,andIdon’thavetimeforthisrightnow.”

“Whyareyouinahurry?”

“Ihaveajobinterview,anditstartsintenminutes,”Isaid,wonderingwhyIwas

eventellinghimthesethings.“AndIamwillingtoadmittheseshoesaren’thelpingme

getthereontime.”

“Youwantaride?”

“What?”

“I’llgiveyouaride,”hesaid.“Thenyouwouldn’tbelate,andyourfeetwouldn’t

hurt.”

“Youhaveacar?”Iaskedstupidly.Iknewhedidn’thaveacararoundhere.

Therewasn’tevenaparkinggaragewithinsixblocks.

Helaughed.

“Onmybike,goofball.”HalfhismouthturnedupinthemostincrediblesmileI

hadeverseeninmylife.Granted,lotsofpeoplehavenicesmiles.Lotsofguyshave

those“pantydropping”looksthatmakegirlswanttothrowtheirundergarmentsatthemif

theywereuponastageinfrontofamicrophone.Mostpopularactorshaveoneofthose

looks,too,butIhadneverseenasmilequitelikethisone.

Asidefromthelusciouscurlingofhalfofhisperfectlyformedlips,hissmiledidn’t

justlightuphiseyes,likeanygoodgenuinesmilewilldo;itlituphiswholeface.He

positivelyglowedashetiltedhisheadslightlytoonesideandlookedatmewithone

eyebrowcocked.Icouldhaveswornthesunevenpeekedoutfrombehindacloudatthat

pointandlituphishairaswell.

Histonguepoppedoutofhismouthandfiddledwiththeringsembeddedinhislip,

andheglanceddownatthesidewalkforamomentbeforelookingbackupatme.The

combinedgesturesgavehimanoddcombinationofbothcockyandshyallatthesame

time.Canlooksbeambiguous?

“There’sonlyoneseatonthebike,”Isaid.

“Youcanhaveit.”Heleanedbackandthebikedroppedfromitsperpetual

wheelierightnexttomyfeet.Hecontinuedtostandonapairofpedalsattachedtothe

rearwheel.“Idon’tneedtheseat.”

Ilookedatthebike,thenbacktothatincrediblehalfsmile,andthenbacktothe

bikeagain.

“Justgeton,”hesaidsoftly,butthewordswerestillverymuchademand.“I’ll

makesureyougetthereontime.”

IhadnoideawhatIwasthinking,butsuddenlyIwassittingsidesaddleonaBMX

bicycle,wearingapencilskirtandspikedheels,flyingdownthesidewalkinthemiddleof

thecity.Theboywasalternatingbetweenrapidlyrotatingthefunctionalpedals,standing

onthepedalsattachedtothebackwheel,andbalancingonthehandlebarswithhislegs

stretchedoutbehindus.Icouldn’thelpbutnoticedthedefinitioninhisarmmusclesas

theytightenedandflexedduringthatparticularmove.

Heswervedaroundthepedestriansandhotdogstandsasifhedidthiskindof

thingeveryday,andheprobablydid.Iheldtightlytotheinsidepartofthehandlebarsand

justprayedIwasn’tgoingtofalloff.Ihadtoadmit,hedidgetmetotheDraganov

Financialbuildingwithfiveminutestospare.

“Thankyou,”Isaidashestoppedthebikeandliftedmeofftheseatwithboth

handswhilebalancingthebikewiththetoeofonefoot.

“Mypleasure,”heresponded.“Willyouhavedinnerwithmenow?”

“Ireallydon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea,”Isaid,stammering.

“Whynot?”heasked,hiseyesnarrowingalittle.Hishandwentuptopusha

loosestrandofhairoutofhiseyesbutonlyendeduppullingmorehairfromthetieatthe

backofhishead.“Doyoualreadyhaveadate?”

“No,but…”

“Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”

“No,I…”

“You’renotwearingaring.”Hegesturedtowardsmylefthandwithhishead.

“I’mnotmarried.Ijust…”

“Youaregoingtoeattonight,aren’tyou?”

“Well,yes,ofcourse,but…”

“Whynot,then?”

“Idon’tevenknowyou!”Ifinallyblurtedout.

“Well,Iknowthat,”hesaidwithanothersmile.“Thewholeideaofgoingto

dinnerisforustogettoknoweachother.”

“ButI’mgoingtobehereforhours,”Isaid.“I’mnotevensurewhenI’llbe

done.”

“I’llwaitforyou,”hesaid.Hepointedtothegroundbeneathhisfeet.“Right

here.Ididn’thaveanyotherplanstoday,soit’snobigdealatall.”

“Idon’tevenknowyourname,”Isaid.

“Ethan.Nowwillyougotodinnerwithme?”

“Well,Ethan”—Isighed,finallygivingin—“I’mAshlyn.AndIguessifyou

reallyfeellikewaitingthatlong,I’lllookforyouwhenIgetout.Ifyouarestillhere,

maybewecangotodinner.”

“Sweet,”hesaid,thehalf-smilereturning.Hemaneuveredthebikebehindhim

withonehandandsteppedupclosertome.Histonguedartedoutandtwistedthehoops

inacirclethroughhislip.“CanIkissyou?”

“What?”Igasped.“No!”

“Okay,”hesaid,stillsmiling.“I’mgonnagogetacouplethings,butI’llbeback

hereinanhour.Iknowjustwheretotakeyou.”

Iglancedatmyphone.Threeminutesbeforetwoo’clock.

“Iwon’tbedoneuntilaftersix,”Isaid.

“That’scool,”heresponded,sittingontheseatofhisbikeandlightingacigarette

withachrome-platedZippolighter.“I’mgonnagograbsomething,butthenI’llberight

backhere.”

Hepedaledoffslowlywithoutlookingback,perfectlybalancedonthebike—one

handholdingthecigaretteandtheothertappingonhisphone.

Ishookmyheadandwentintothebuilding.

Chapter3—Interview

Theinterviewswentfine,ofcourse.Imean,havingmydadaskmeabunchof

questionsaboutmyGPAandwhyIwantedtogointoaccountingwasridiculous,butwe

playedthegameforthesakeofappearancesanyway.ThecurrentCFOandmyimmediate

supervisorwouldbeHelenDragonov,myfather’soldersisterwhodidn’tevenbother

askingmeaboutmyschooling.Instead,wetalkedaboutmystepmother’supcomingparty.

“Iswear,MilesmakesabiggerdealoutofitthanSuedoes,”Helensaid.“Hetries

totelleveryonethatshe’stheinstigatorofsuchthings,butmybrotherlovestoshowthe

estateofftoanyonewhowillcomearound.”

“ThatsoundslikeDad.”Ilaughed.

“He’salwaysbeenthatway,”shesaid.“Evenasachild,hewouldgetangryifone

ofhisplaymatesdidn’tcometohisbirthdayparties.”

“Hestillgetsmadaboutthat.”Webothlaughed,andHelenglanceddownather

notebook.“Ithinkwe’reprobablydonehere.Ialreadyknoweverythingaboutyou,so

I’mnotsurewehaveanythingtotalkaboutunlessyouhaveanyquestions.”

“Notrightnow.”

“Ifyouthinkofany,wecantalkaboutthemduringSunday’sluncheon.”

AftertheroundofinterviewsandintroductionstotheonlytwoboardmembersI

hadn’tknownsinceIwastwelve,Dadtookmetotheroomthatwouldbecomemyoffice.

Imetthreewomenthereandendedupinterviewingeachofthemasmypotential

secretary.Imetsomanypeopleandtalkedsomuchsmalltalk,Iwasabouttoscream.

Besides,mythoughtskeptmeanderingoutside.

IwonderedifEthanwasreallyoutthere,waitingforme.IwonderedifIshould

maybegooutthebackdoorandavoidthewholesituation,butthatwouldbeexceedingly

rude,wouldn’tit?IhadalreadytoldhimIwouldlookforhim,andifhereallydidspend

hiswholeafternoonwaitingforme,Icouldn’tdeclinehisdinnerinvitation,couldI?

DidIevenwantto?

Onethingwascertain:Iwasn’tabouttotellmyfatherthatIhadadatebecause

he’dinsistonmeetingtheguy.Icouldjustimaginehowthatwouldgo!Dadwouldthrow

afitwhenhefoundoutIdidn’treallyknowEthan,andthenifheactuallysawhim—all

piercedandtattooedandridingafreakingbicycle—yeah,let’sjustsayitwouldn’tgoover

verywell.IforcedmyselftofocusonalittlemorecorporatetalkbeforeDadsaidhe

neededtoleavetogetreadyforadinnerengagement.

“OnethingaboutVanessa,”Dadsaidtoanagingboardmember,“shedoesn’tcare

ifyouforgetabirthdayoranniversary,butdinnerengagementswithhersisterandbrother-

in-lawarenottobetakenlightly!”

Theybothchuckled,andIwonderedifDad’sthirdwifehadactuallyeverbecome

angryaboutanything.Icouldn’tseeit.IgaveDadaquickkissonthecheekandtoldhim

Iwouldseehimnextweekend,andthenIrusheddownthehallwaytogetoutsideas

quicklyasIcould.Ipushedtheelevatorbuttonforthelobbylevelaboutthirtytimes,just

incaseitreallydidmakethedoorclosefaster.Oncethedoorsopenedagain,Isteppedout

oftheelevator,tryingtodecideifIwasgoingtofeelrelievedordevastatedifIdidnot

findEthanonthesidewalkoutsidethebuilding.

Thesunwaspeeringoutbetweentwoskyscrapers,andIcouldseethelightshining

throughthespokesofthebicycle’swheelsandthefaintglowofEthan’scigarette.I

walkedslowlytowardshim.

“Hey,”hesaidcasually.Hetossedthebuttofthecigaretteintothegutterandheld

outasmallshoppingbagtowardsme.

“What’sthis?”Iasked.

“Shoes,”hesaidwithashrug.Hepointeddownattheheelsstillsquashingmy

toes.“Youdon’twanttowearthoseanymore.”

Ipeeredintothelittle,unmarkedblackbagandfoundapairofpinkConverse

high-topswithsmall,black,cartoonkittensalloverthem.

“WhatamIsupposedtodowiththese?”Iasked.

“Putthemon,obviously,”hesaid.“Youwearasevenandahalf,right?”

“Yes…howdidyouknowthat?”

Thatsmilecameback,thistimewithbothsidesofhismouthturningupandhis

teethrubbingagainstthethinmetalringsinhislip.

“Ihaveathingforfeet,”hesaidandthenblushed.Heactuallyblushed.“Putthem

on—they’rereallycomfortable.Here…”

Hemovedoffthebikeandhelditsteady,indicatingthatIshouldsitontheseatto

changemyshoes.Asridiculousasitwas,myfeetwerekillingme,andgettingoutofthe

heelssoundedblissful.Ilookedattheridiculousshoesinthebag,thenatmy$1500

executive-weardesignerskirtandblouse.

“Idon’tthinktheymatchmyoutfit,”Itoldhim.

“Whogivesashit?”heasked,lookingatmequizzically.“We’renotgoingtothe

fuckingCandelabradowntown.Nooneisgoingtobelookingatyourshoes,andyou’ll

feelbetter.”

Icouldn’treallyarguewithhislogicbutfoundmyselflookingaroundforanyoneI

mightknowexitingthebuilding.WhenIdidn’tseeanyone,Isatdownonthebikeand

pulledofftheheels.OnceIhadtheConverselacedup,Idroppedmydressshoesinthe

bag.

“What’swrong?”IaskedwhenInoticedEthangloweringatthebaginmyhand.

“Idon’tsupposeyouwouldletmeburnthosefuckers,wouldyou?”

“Theshoes?”Iasked,incredulous.Ithoughtofthelookthatwouldbeon

Presley’sfaceifhershoeswereabouttobetossedintoafire.“No!Ofcoursenot!”

“Ifigured,”hegrumbled.

“Whywouldyouwanttodothat?”

Helookedupatmyfaceagainandgavemethesamequestioninglookhehad

before.

“Theyhurtyou,”hesaidwithashrug.“Idon’tlikethem.”

HeguidedmeontotheseatoftheBMXandtookoffdownthesidewalkinthe

samefashionwehadbefore.Iheldtightlytothemiddleofthehandlebars,withhishands

ontheoutside.Histhumbreachedoverslightlyandrandownthelengthofmylittle

finger.

“Yourskinissosoft,”hesaidquietly,hislipsnearmyear.Ifeltmybodyshudder,

whetherathistouchorhissoftvoice,Ididn’tknow.Ileanedbackjustenoughtofeelhis

chestagainstmybackasheveeredoffthesidewalk,ontotheroad,andthenbackonthe

sidewalkacrossthestreet.

Itwasn’tlongbeforeEthanpulledintoasidealleyandparkedhisbikenexttoa

brickbuilding.Therewasawhitedoorproppedopen,andthesmellofsimmeringtomato

sauceandfreshbreadwaftedoutintotheairaroundus.Ethantookmyhandtohelpme

offthebikeandthenlookeddownatmyfingerswrappedupinhis.Heglancedupatmy

eyes,quicklylookedbackdownagain,smilingthatcrookedsmileand—holyshit—

blushedagain.Hekeptalightgriponmyfingersandpulledmethroughthekitchendoor.

“Isn’tthereafrontdoor?”

“Sure,”Ethansaid.“Butit’sallthewayaroundinthefront.”

Heledmethroughthebrightwhitelightsandstainlesssteelofthekitchen,calling

out“yo”acoupleoftimesandnoddinghisheadatthekitchenstaff.Oneoftheguyswith

afloppychef’shatwhistled,andEthantoldhimtofuckoffbutsmiledwhenhesaidit.

Thekitcheneruptedinlaughterjustaswereachedasetofsaloondoorsthatopenedintoa

smalldiningroomwithabouttwelvetablesinit.Eachtablehadatinyvotivecandleand

tinyvasewithasinglewhiteroseinit.Thelinensweredeepredandaddedtothe

atmosphericwarmthemittedbythedark-stainedhardwoodfloors.

Itwasquaint,cozy,andundoubtedlythemostromanticplaceIhadeverbeen.

“Hi,Ethan!”Atallwomanwithlong,strikingredhairandwearingahostess

uniformreachedoutandgrazedherfingersdownhisarm.Ibristledandglaredather.I

mean,Irealizethiswasafirstdateandall,butshedidn’tnecessarilyknowthat.Evenif

shedid,thatwasjustrude.IsteppedalittleclosertoEthan’ssideandwrappedthefingers

ofmyfreehandaroundhisarm.

“Hey,Sheila,”Ethansaid,lookingsidewaysatme.“ThisisAshlyn.”

“Ashlyn,”Sheilasaid.Shelookedovermyoutfit,allthewaydowntomyshoes,

andIcouldhaveswornshewassmirking.“Rightthisway.”

Sheilaledustothetableinthemiddleofthesmallestablishment,andIstartedto

sit,butEthanpulledmebacktohisside.

“Nothere,”hesaidinalowvoice.HeturnedtoSheilaandindicatedwithhis

head.“Overontheothersideofthefireplace.”

“Fine,”Sheilarepliedinasurlytonewhileflippingherhair.Shetookusaroundto

thebackofalarge,roundfireplacedesignedtositinthemiddleoftheroom.

“ThisplacehasthebestItalianfoodinthecity,”Ethansaidafterwesatdownand

Sheilaleft.“Alferomakeseverythingfromscratch;heevenmakeshisownmozzarella.I

workedhereforawhile,andheshowedmehowtomakeit.It’sreallycool.”

“That’ssoundsinteresting,”Isaidwithanod.“Howlongdidyouworkhere?”

“Justthatoneday.”

“Youworkedhereforoneday?”

“Yeah,itdoesn’ttakethatlongtomakethecheese—justafewhours,andmostof

thatiswaitingforittocool.”

“Thatdoesn’tseemlikemuchofajob,”Isaid.

“That’sokay.Igotpaidinpizzas!”Ethanlaughed.“IgottousethecheeseImade

onit.”

“So,wheredoyouworknow?”Iasked,startingtofeartheanswer.

“Well,I’mkindofbetweenjobs,”Ethansaid,grantingmeavisionofhishalf-

smileagain.“Iwasworkingdownatthepierwithoneofthecrabboatsacoupleofweeks

ago,buttheywereheadinguptoAlaskathisweek,andIdidn’twanttobeawayfrommy

friendsthatlong.”

“DareIaskhowlongyouworkedfishingforcrabs?”

“Oh,Ididn’tdotheactualfishing,”hesaid,snickeringagain.“Iwentoutonthe

boatandplayedmyguitarwhiletheywereworking.Oncewegotback,Ihelpedthem

unload.”

“Didyougetpaidincrabs?”Ihadtoask.

“Nah,Idon’treallylikeseafood,”hesaid.“Ijustwantedtoknowwhatitwaslike

ontheboats.I’dseenthemoutinthewaterallmylife,butIhadneverbeenonone.”

“Soyougotactualmoneyforthatjob?”

“Nah,”hesaidagain.“Ijustneededsomethingonmyresume.”

Ilookedintohiseyes,tryingtodecideifhewasseriousornot.Hiseyeswere

laughing,andhewasbitingthoseringsinhislipagain.

“You’reteasingme.”Inarrowedmyeyesathim.

“Maybealittle,”headmittedwithashrug.“Sowhatwereyouinterviewingfor?”

“DraganovFinancial,”Isaid,notreallywantinghimtodigintothissubject.

“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”

Iconsideredsayingsomethingalongthelinesof“AbsolutelynothingatmyDad’s

company,”butIdecidedthatwasprobablyalittletoomuchinformationatthispoint.

“I’mlookingintooneoftheassistantexecutivepositions,”Ifinallysaid.“I

graduatenextmonthwithmymaster’sinaccountingandbusinessadministration.”

“Oh,”hesaid.Hescowleddownatthetableandstartedfiddlingwiththenapkin-

wrappedsilverware.

Abigguydressedinallwhitestoppedbythetablejustthen,callingoutinlightly

accentedphrases.

“Ethan!Goodtoseeyouagain!”

“Hey,Alfero,”Ethansaid,standingupandshakingtheguy’shand.“I’dlikeyou

tomeetAshlyn.”

“Wonderfultomeetyou,Ashlyn,”hesaid,takingmyhandandshakingitlightly.

“Watchoutforthisone;he’sacharmer.”

Ismiledandlookedaway,tryingtoforcemyselfnottoblush.Iprobablywasn’t

successful.WhenIglancedbackatEthan,Isawhewasblushingaswell,soIdecidednot

toworryaboutittoomuch.

“Doyouknowwhatyouwanttonight?”Alferoasked,lookingatme.

“Umm…I’mnotsureyet,”Isaid,lookingdownatthemenuforthefirsttime.

“Ethan?Whatareyougetting?”

“Iwantacapresesalad,”Ethansaid.“Andamargaritapizza,bruschetta,the

fettucciniAlfredoandaCoke.Yougotvanillagelatotoday?”

“Ofcourse,”Alferoresponded.“Imadeitthisafternoon.”

“Vanillagelatofordessert.”

Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.

“Areyougoingtoeatallofthat?”

“Nah,”Ethansaid.“Ilikeeverything,soIcanneverpickwhatIwant.Itakethe

leftoverstoCeeCeeandGwen.”

Ishookmyheadathim,tryingtofigureoutwhattheheckIhadgottenmyselfinto

withthisguy.IglancedoverthemenuoncemoreanddecidedontheeggplantParmesan.

“Areyouinschool?”IaskedwhenAlferoleftwithourorder.

“No,”Ethansaid.Hedidn’tlookatmeanddidn’tseemtobepreparedto

elaborate.JustasIwasabouttochangethesubject,hespokeupagain.“Ihadtodrop

out.”

“Oh.”

“Igothurtinhighschool,”hesaid,shruggingagain.“Ididalotoftrackandfield,

mostlypolevaulting.IhitmyheadcomingdownwhenIwassixteenandendedupina

comaforacoupleofdays.IspentaboutamonthinthehospitalbeforeIcouldgohome.I

havetroublereadingnow.Allright,that’snotreallytrue.Ican’treadnow,whichmade

collegeprettymuchimpossible.Itriedusingsomeonetoreadeverythingtome,butitwas

justtoocumbersome.”

“I’msorry,”Isaid,notsurehowtorespond.

“It’sokay,”hesaid.Thecornersofhismouthturnedup,butitdidn’thithiseyes

thistime.“Igraduatedfromhighschool,atleast.”

“Howoldareyou?”Iasked,immediatelyregrettingthequestion.

“Doesitmatter?”heasked.

“Alittle,”Isaid.Itriedtolaughitoff.“Imean,canyouatleastbuymeadrink?”

“No,”herepliedandflashedthatincrediblehalfgrinagain.“Butifyouwantone,

youcanorderit,andI’llslipyousomecashwhennooneislooking.”

IthinkmymouthmusthavedroppedopenasIstaredindisbelief.Ethansuddenly

lookedaway,andhishandwentupintohishair,makingitimpossiblymessierthanit

alreadywas.

“I’mnineteen,”heblurtedout.

Ifeltmyheartsink.

Chapter4—Decision

Ilookedacrossthetableathim,meetinghiseyesandtryingnottoregistershock

inmine,butIcouldtellbyhisexpression,hesawitanyway.

“Wow,”Ifinallysaidsoftly.IwaitedforhimtoaskmehowoldIwas,buthe

didn’t,soIdecidedtoofferitupanyway.“I’mtwenty-six.”

“Ifigured,”hesaidsimply.

“How’sthat?”

“Fouryearsinundergrad,plustwoforyourmaster’s.Assumingyoustarted

collegerightafterhighschoolanddidn’tfallbehindatall,youwouldhavetobeatleast

twenty-four.”

Icouldn’tfaulthislogic.

“IwasnineteenwhenIgraduatedhighschool,”Isaid.“Summerbaby.Ialsotook

ayearoffbetweenmyundergraduatedegreeandmaster’sprogram.”

“Isthatgoingtobotheryou?”heasked,hisintenseeyesboringintomineagain.

“Theagedifference,Imean?”

“Idon’tknow,”Iansweredhonestly.“Ifwewereinarelationship,maybe…”

“Whatdidyoulikestudyingincollegethemost?”

Hisabruptchangeoftopicwasextremelywelcome,buttherewasstilldistancein

hiseyesthatwasn’ttherebefore.

“Ilikedalotofthings,”Isaid.“ObviouslyIhadalotofaccountingandfinance

classesaswellaseconomics…”

“Arethosetheclassesyoulikedthemost?”

“Ineededthemformymajor.”

“Whatdidyoutakethatyouliked?”

“Well,thepasttwoyearsIhavemostlyfocusedontheclassesIneededformy

master’s,”Itoldhim.“Therewasn’talotoftimeforanythingextra.Itookacoupleoflit

classes.”

“Literature?”Ethan’seyesbrightenedagain.“Whatkind?”

“EnglishandAmerican,alsooneofGermanwomenwriters.Thosewereall

duringmyundergrad,though.”

“Whoisyourfavoriteauthor?”

“Ihavealotofthem,”Iadmitted.“It’shardtochoosejustone.IloveAusten,

Bronte,Shelley,Poe,Tolkien,AnneRice,andStephenKing—lotsofdifferentones.”

“Sweet,”hesaid,andhissmileglowedwiththelightofthefireplaceandthelight

fromhiseyes.“IlovedtheLordoftheRingsmovies.”

“Theywereallright,”Irepliedwithashrug.“Iusuallyhateitwhentheytakea

greatbookandruinitwithamoviethough.”

“Ruinit?”Ethan’seyeswidened.“Thoseweresomeofthebestmoviesever.I

mean,thecavetrollalonewouldhavemadeagreatflick!Andyoucan’ttellmethat

OrlandoBloomwasn’tthemostawesomeLegolastherecouldeverbe.”

“Andthat’sjustthesortofthingI’mtalkingabout.Itwasajourneyaboutloyalty

andfriendship,andthemoviehadtomakeitaconstantbloodbathjusttokeepteenage

boysentertained.”

“That’sanextremelynarrow-mindedviewoffilm,”Ethanargued.“Actually,if

youlookat…”

Wehadafantasticdinnerandspentthenexttwohourstalkingabouteverybook

wehadeverread.ThoughIhadalittletroublekeepingtheseven-yearagegapfrom

botheringme,boththefoodandtheconversationhadbeenwonderful.Forsomeonewho

haddroppedoutofcollege,Ethanhadobviouslybeenremarkablywellreadbeforehewas

hurt.Wehadsimilartastesinauthorsandhadarguedhalfthenightaboutwhetherornot

booksshouldeverbeturnedintomovies.Hemadegreatpointsinhisargumentsbutnot

enoughtochangemymind.Hemighthavehaddifficultyreadingnow,butwhateverwas

wrongwithhimobviouslydidn’taffecthisintelligenceintheslightest.Welaughed,andI

washavingsuchagreattime,thenextthingIknewwewereheadedbacktohisBMX

bike,andIwasagreeingtogobacktohisapartmentwithhim.

“Yo,dude,”Ethansaidintothephone.“I’mcominghometonight.Justwantedto

warnyathatI’mbringingsomeonewithme.So,Idunno…takethenightoffor

something?We’llbethereinaboutten…yeah,that’scool.Seeyainabit.”

Heendedthecallandshovedhisphoneintohisjeanspocket.Itriedtofigureout

justwhatintheheckIthoughtIwasdoing.

“Yourroommate?”Iasked,tryingnottoshowthenervousnessIwasbeginningto

feel.Myeyesfocusedontheringsdecoratinghisfaceandtheinkdecoratinghisarm.I

hadfiguredoutthetattooaroundhisarmwasatailofsomesort,butIhadn’tmusteredup

thecouragetoaskhimaboutityet.Ethanseemedgreat,butIdidn’treallyknowhim.He

wasn’texactlythetypeDaddywasgoingtowelcome,andthatbyitselfshouldhavebeen

enoughformetocallitanight.

“Nah,justthehelp,”hesaid,laughing.“Frazierstaysatmyplace‘causeI’mnot

theretoomuch.IusuallystaywithGwenandCeeCee.Ilikeitbetterthere.Ijustdidn’t

wanttoscarehimoranything.”

“Wheredoyourfriendslive?”

“LowerWestSide,”Ethansaid.Hemaneuveredthebikeawayfromthewalland

helditsteadywithonehandsoIcouldgeton.Thenwewereoff,andthecool,night

breezetossedmyhairaroundmyshoulders.

Theareahementionedwasdefinitelynotaniceneighborhood.Myanxietybegan

togrow,andIwonderedwhereEthancouldlivethatwouldmakehimpreferspendinghis

timeintheslums.Iwantedtoask,butIhadalreadyagreedtogobacktohisapartment

anddidn’twanttohurthisfeelings.Atthesametime,Iknewthiswasanasininethingto

do.Ihadn’teventoldanyoneIwasgoingouttonightorwhomIwaswith,andnowIwas

goingtothisguy’sapartment.

Ifwewereinacar,I’dbeconsideringjumpingoutaboutnow.

IrecalledanarrowescapemyfriendZoeyhadwithaguyshemetonanonline

datingapp.Shewenttohisapartmentwherehebecameacompletejerktoherafterthey

hookedup.Theyweresupposedtogooutfordinner,buthesaidhewastired,offeredher

ayogurt,andthenfellasleep.Whenshewokehimuptosayshewasleaving,heyelledat

herandcalledherallkindsoffilthynames.Therewasamomentwhenshethoughthe

wasn’tevengoingtoletherleave.

“Ethan,”Isaid,andheleanedhisheadclosertomineashecontinuedtopedal

downthesidewalk.Isawtheentrancetothesubwayabouttwoblocksawayandfigured

thisreallywasforthebest.“Couldyoustopaminute,please?”

“Yeah,sure,”hesaid,andpulledofftothesidewalk’sedge,dismountedandput

onehandonmyshoulder.Heleanedoverandlookedatme.“Youokay?Youaren’t

motionsickoranything,areyou?”

“No,I’mnot,”Isaid.Islidofftheseatandbentdowntostartuntyingtheshoes.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Ethanasked.Hekneltdownnexttomeandplacedone

handoverthelacestostopmymovements.

“Thisreallyisn’tagoodidea,”Isaid.WhatwasIthinking?Goingtosomeguy’s

apartmentwhenIjustmethim,andnooneevenknewwhereIwas?Granted,IfeltlikeI

knewhimalittlenow,andIreallydidn’tthinkhewouldhurtme,buthewaspracticallya

kid,acollegedropoutand…and…whateverelsehewas.Apunk?Agoth?Ihadnoidea

whathewassupposedtobecalled.Itdidn’tmatter.Icouldn’tbewithhim.“Ishouldgo

home,andIshouldgiveyoutheshoesback…”

“Theshoesareyours,”Ethansaid.Hiseyesdarkenedandnarrowedatme.“I

don’twantthemback.Whydoyouwanttogohome?”

“Ijust…should.”

“Ifuckedsomethingup,didn’tI?”Hereachedbehindmeandpushedthebike

backwards,allowingittocrash-landagainstthesideofthebuilding.Ihopedthepackage

ofleftoverAlfredowasn’tspilled.Withaslightthump,hedroppedtothesidewalkonhis

backsideandhishandswentupintohishair.“I’msorry—whateveritwasIdid.Ididn’t

meantopissyouoff.”

“Youdidn’tpissmeoff,”Itriedtoassurehim.“Thisisjust…alittleweirdforme.

Ican’tdothis.”

“What’sweird?”Ethanasked,hiseyesstillnarrowed.Hereleasedoneofhis

handsfromhishairandusedittopullacigaretteoutofhisshirtpocket.Lightingit

quickly,hetookalongdragoffofitandthenlookedbackupatme.Helookedso…

confused.“Ithoughtyouwerehavingagoodtime.”

“Ididhaveagoodtime,Ethan,”Itoldhim.“Imean,Iamhavingagoodtime.It’s

notthatIdon’twantto,it’sjust…notagoodidea.”

“Whatisn’t?”

“Goingbacktoyourapartmentwithyou.”

“Ididn’tmeanitthatway,”Ethansaid.Hiseyebrowsscrunchedtogetherashe

furrowedhisbrow.“Iwantedtospendmoretimewithyou.Iftherestauranthadn’tbeen

closing,wecouldhavestayedthere.IcanaskAlfero.Hemightletusstaytherefora

whilelonger,butwe’llhavetohurry,orhe’llbegonealready.”

“No,don’tdothat,”Isaid.Iwantedtositdown,butIcouldn’tfigureoutwhatto

dowithmyself.Ethanwassittingontheground;thebikewasinasmallpilebehindme,

andIwasinaskirtthatwaswaytootightforsittingnexttohim.“I’malittlenervous.”

Helookedupatmeandtiltedhisheadalittletooneside.

“Iwouldneverhurtyou,Ashlyn.”Ethan’seyesweredarkandintense.“Ortake

advantageofyou.Never.”

“Iknowyouwouldn’t,Ethan,”Isaid.Iknewinmyheartitwastrue.“Idon’t

knowifthisistherightthingtodo.”

“Doyouwanttospendmoretimewithme?”Ethanstaredstraightintomyeyes.

“Yes,”Isaid,“but…”

“Ifyouwantto,what’sstoppingyou?”

Imagesofmyfather’sfacebouncedaroundinmyhead—everyexpressionfrom

hisdeepdisappointmenttohisextremeiremadeanappearance.Thepredictableopinions

ofsomeofmyfriends—Zoey,Presley,evenIsaac—echoedthroughmyhead.Iwasan

up-and-comingdebutanteexpectedtobethefutureofthefinancialbusinessinthiscity.It

wasn’tjustamatterofwhetherornotIshouldbeinthisguy’sapartment.Ishouldn’teven

beseenwithhim.

“Itdoesn’treallylookright…”

“Youareworriedabouthowthislooks?”Ethan’sdarkeyesglaredatme,hishead

tiltedofftoonesideabit,andthenhelookedtotheleftandtheright,downthenearly

desertedstreets.“Who’sgoingtoseeyou?”

Hehadapointthere.IfhisfriendslivedontheLowerWestSide,whereverhewas

takingmewasnotlikelytobeaspotfrequentedbymyfather’sgolfbuddies.Thenagain,

thatalsomeantnoonewouldknowwhereIwasorwhomIwaswith.

“Well,that’ssortofthepoint.”Ilookedaway,afraidofinsultinghimifI

expressedmyfears.

“YouthinkImighthurtyou.”

Hiswordswereastatement,notaquestion.Thoughwhathesaidwastrue,Iwas

alsoconcernedaboutwhatpeoplewhoknewmemightthinkiftheysawmewithsomeone

likehim.HowquicklywouldthatinformationgetbacktoPresley,orworseyet,my

father?

“It’snotexactlythat…”

“Yes,itis.”

“Ijust…don’treallyknowyou.”

“Doyouhaveafriendyoucantextmynameandaddressto?”

Ilookedathimandthenglanceddowntotheground.IcouldsendPresleyhis

information,butifIdidsendit,andshethoughtIwasgoinghomewithsomeguyinthe

mostrun-downsectionoftowntherewas,she’dfreakandmightevensendthecopsthere.

Ethanwasstillwaitingformetosaysomething,butIhadnoideawhattosay.

Eventually,hegottiredofwaiting.

“Youdon’thaveanyfriendsyoucantext?”

“It’snotthat,”Isaid,“Ijust…well,Iwouldn’tknowwhattosaytothem.They’ll

tellmeI’manidiotandprobablysendsomeonelookingforme.”

“Hey,Ashlyn”—Ethanreachedoutandplacedhislefthandonmyarm—“Idon’t

wantyoutobescared.Idon’tknowwhattosayotherthanwhatIalreadysaid—I’dnever

hurtyouoranyoneelse,forthatmatter.Ijustwanttospendmoretimewithyou.”

“I’dliketospendmoretimewithyou,too.”Myheartwaspounding.Hiswords

wereprettyenough,butwhatelsedidIexpect—aserialkillerwhosaysheplanstokillme

andchopmeupfordinner?

ButEthanhadn’tdoneanythingbutbeperfectlypoliteandnicetome.He’dgiven

noindicationsthathewasdangerous.Infact,everyonewecameacrossseemedtoreally

likehim.MaybeIwasjustbeingparanoidandsilly.

“Webothagreeonthat,atleast.”Ethangrinned.“Whydon’tyouwaittodecide

whenwegettomyplace?IcaneventellFraziertowaitifyouwant.”

“Allright,”Isaid.Itookadeepbreath.“Youareright,andI’mbeingridiculous.

Let’sgo.”

Chapter5—Explanation

Ethan’ssmilecamebackalmostinstantly,andhejumpedup,rightedthebike,and

wewereonourwayagaininnotime.Withthewindinmyhairandeyes,itwasdifficult

tofigureoutjustwhichdirectionweweregoing,andEthankeptspeedinguponealley

anddowntheothertoavoidpedestrians.Beforelong,Ilookeduptofindthatwewere

ridingpastthehigh-risedepartmentstorebuildingsnotfarfromwherePresleyandIliked

toshop.Soon,wewereapproachingtheendoftheblock.

IglancedbackatEthanasifthatwouldgivemeabetterideaofwherewewere

going.

“Almostthere,”Ethansaidintomyear,hiswarmbreathsendingchillsdownmy

spine.HeturnedabruptlyintoaparkinggarageundertheMarquiseApartmentbuilding

andscreechedtoahaltneartheelevator,wrappingonearmaroundmywaisttokeepme

fromfallingoff.

“Ethan.”Amandressedinadarkbluesuitwalkedupandtookaholdofoneofthe

handlebars.“Goodtoseeyouagain.”

“Hey,Henry.”EthangreetedhimbyknockinghisclosedfistagainstHenry’s

shoulder.“ThisisAshlyn.”

“Goodevening,miss,”Henrysaidwithanod.“Welcome.”

IwasaboutasconfusedasIcouldget.Icouldn’tevenbegintoguesswhatthe

rentinthisbuildingmightbe,sotherewasnowaythiskidwhonormallystayedwith

friendsintheslumscouldpossiblylivehere.Thisplacewasmorethantwicethepriceof

theluxuryapartmentswherePresleyandIlived.

Henrytookthebikeandrolleditovertotheelevator,wavedakeycard,andthe

doorsopenedforus.Hereachedaroundandhitthebuttonforthefifty-secondfloor,then

steppedbackoutagain.

“I’llmakesureyourbikeisstoredproperly.Doyouknowwhenyouwillbe

leaving?”

“Notsureyet,”Ethansaid,lookingatmethroughhislashes.

“I’llkeepitcloseby,then,”Henrysaidwithanod.“I’llbringthecararoundas

wellifyouthinkyou’llbeneedingit.”

“Nah,”Ethansaid.“Don’twastetimewithit.I’llcallyaifIneedit.”

“Verygood,sir.”

Weenteredtheelevator,andIjuststaredathimasitbegantoascend.

“Notwhatyouwereexpecting?”Ethansaidwithasmile.

“Youlivehere?”

“Notoften,”hesaid,“butyeah,thisismyplace.”

“Thepenthouse?”

“Thewholetopfloor,”hesaid.“It’sfuckinginsane.Waytoobigforoneperson.”

“Howcanyou…?”

“Longstory.”Helaughedagain.“I’lltellyoutonightifyoureallywanttoknow.”

Thedoorsopenedintoalargefoyer,tastefullydecoratedwithoriginalprintsofthe

cityandfreshflowers.Ethanwalkedinandtookoffhisshoes,motioningformetodothe

same.

“Mymomwasalwaysanutaboutnoshoesinthehouse,”hesaid.“Itstuckwith

me.”

Hetookmyhandandledmethroughtheentrywayandintoahugegreatroom

withanenormousfireplaceandfloor-to-ceilingwindowsoverlookingthecity.Therewas

ablackleathercouchandaloveseataswellasmahoganycoffeeandendtables.Inthe

middleoftheroomweretwofluorescentpinkbeanbagchairssittinginfrontofagigantic

television.

“Ethan,thisplaceisincredible.”

“Goodevening,”avoicesaidbehindme,whichcausedmetojumpandletouta

littlescreech.Ethantightenedhisgriponmyhandandrubbedhisthumbovermy

knuckles.

“Hey,Frazier,”hesaid.“ThisisAshlyn.Ashlyn,meetJoshFrazier.”

“Goodtomeetyou,Ashlyn,”Joshsaid,holdingouthishand.Ishookitbriefly

andechoedhisreply.

“Doyouwanthimtostickaround?”Ethanaskedmequietly.“Wecouldjustwatch

amovieorsomething.”

“No,that’sokay.”Ihonestlywasn’tmorecomfortablewiththeideaofbeingina

strangeplacewithtwoguysIdidn’tknow.AtleastEthanwasstartingtofeelfamiliarto

me.

“Seeyalater,Josh,”Ethansaid.

“Havefun!”Joshsmiledandwinked.“Callifyouneedanything.”

“Willdo,”Ethanresponded.HegaveJoshahigh-fiveashewalkedoutofthe

roomandtowardstheelevator.Amomentlater,Joshwasgoneandwewere—asfarasI

couldtell—alone.

“Idohavealotofmoviesifyouwanttowatchsomething.”

Ethanstoodinfrontofacabinet,onehandinhishairandtuggingattheends.He

dancedfromonefoottotheother,thenlookedupatme,hischeeksred.

“They’remostlymoviesbasedonbooks.”Heletoutaquick,nervouslaugh.My

laughwasmoregenuine,andheseemedtorelaxalittle.

“IthinkI’llpass,”Isaid.

“DoyouwantaCokeorsomething?”

WhatIreallywantedwasaglassofwine,butIdidn’tsayso.

“Maybejustsomewater?”

“Sure.”

Ethanwalkedupthreeshort,hardwoodstepstotheraisedkitchenareaandpulleda

glassoutofthecabinet.Hefilleditwithiceandfilteredwater,grabbedacanofCokeout

ofthefridge,andbroughtthembothbacktothelivingarea.Hehandedmemywater,

thenploppeddownononeofthebeanbagchairs.

Ieyedthecomfortable-lookingleathercouchandthenthefloppybeanbagchairon

thefloornexttoEthan.Ipulledabitattheedgeofmyskirtandtriedtofigureoutifthere

wasanywayIcouldpossiblysitdownwithoutrippingtheseamorfallingrightonmy

face.

“Oh,shit!”Ethanjumpedupoutofthechair,spillingtheCokeinhishandallover

thefloor.Hecursedagain,putthecanonacoasteronthecoffeetable,andranoutofthe

room.Hewasbackinlessthanaminute,holdingabundleofclotheswhichhethrustat

me.“Theywon’tfitright,butyou’llbeabletositbetter.”

Ilookedatthepairofturquoiseyogapantsandabeigetanktopthatwerejusta

littletoobigforme.Theyobviouslyweren’tEthan’s.

“Mymom’s,”hesaid.Icouldhaveswornhehadmind-readingabilities.

“Willshemind?”

“Um…no.”EthangrabbedatowelfromthekitchenandstartedcleaningtheCoke

offthecarpet.“Bothmyparentsaredead.”

“Oh,crap…Ethan,I’msorry.”Ireachedonehandouttowardshimbutwasn’tsure

whatIplannedtodowithit,soIdroppeditbacktomyside.

“It’sokay,”hesaidwithashrug.“It’sbeenacoupleofyears.There’sabathroom

downthehall—seconddoorontheleft.”

“I’llgochange.”

WhenIcamebackinthemorecomfortableclothing,theCokemesswascleaned

upandbothofourdrinksweresittingonthecoffeetable.Ethanwasrinsingoutthetowel

inthekitchensink.Helookedoverhisshoulderatmeandsmiled.

“Thatlooksaloteasiertogetaroundin,”hesaid.Hehoppeddownthethreestairs

andfloppedbackintothebeanbag,motioningmetodothesame.“Whydoyouwearthat

stuffanyway?”

“I’llbeworkinginthecorporateworld,”Isaid.“It’swhatyouwear.”

“Whatdoesthatstuffhavetodowithyourjob?Couldn’tyoudothejobjustas

wellinapairofjeans?”

“Isupposeso,”Iresponded.Ihadneverreallythoughtaboutit.Itwasjustwhat

peopleworeincorporateAmerica.“Butpeopleareexpectingacertainlook.Ifyouwant

toconvincethemyouwilltakecareoftheirinvestments,theyhavetoseeyouasa

professional.”

“Doesn’tDraganovFinancialalreadyhaveagoodreputation?”

“Yes,verygood.We’realeaderintheindustry.”

“Ithoughtso.”Hesmiledthathalfsmileatme,andIwasfairlycertainIwas

goingtoendupstainingthecrotchofhisMom’syogapantsifhekeptdoingthat.“Ifyou

weren’t,Imighthavetopayattentiontowhatwashappeningwithmymoney,andIreally

don’twanttofuckaroundwithallthatshit.”

“You’reinvestedwithus?”

“Us?”hequestioned.“Ithoughtyoujustinterviewedtheretoday.Didyougetthe

job?”

Itwasmyturntoblushscarlet.

“Well,yousee—itwasreallyaninterviewinnameonly.”IhadnoideahowIwas

goingtoexplainthiswithoutsoundinglikeanentitledbitch.“Ialreadyhavethejob.My

fatherisMilesDraganov.”

Isatbackandwaitedfortheshiftinattitudethatalwaysoccurred.SometimesI

trulyhatedmyfamilyname.Thepeopleinthistownseemedtothinkweneededtobe

treatedlikeRockefellersorsomething.Ihatedit.Dadlovedit.

“Oh,Igotit,”Ethansaid.Hetippedhissoftdrinkcanupanddrainedit.“Yeah,

mydaddidalotofbusinesswithDraganovFinancial.Mostofthemoney’sstillthere.I

don’treallypaymuchattentiontoit.Allthebillsarepaidautomaticallyforthisplace,

andIonlyusetheaccountdirectlytopayFrazierandshit.SometimesI’llusethecredit

card,liketonight,butnotoften.”

Heshrugged,half-smiled,andblushedagain.

“IguessIstilloweyouastory,”hesaid,wavinghishand,indicatingthepenthouse

apartment.

“Yes,youdo,”Iagreed.“Willyoutellmeaboutyourparentsaswell?”

“Theyareabigpartofit,”hesaidwithawrysmile.

“Iguessthatshouldhavebeenobvious,huh?”Ismiledback,hopingIhadn’t

soundedflippantoranything.Ethansmiledandbeganspeaking.

“Myparentswereawesome.Theybothworkedreallyhard,buttheywouldalways

trytomaketimeformewhentheycould.Oneofthemwouldalwaysbeatmymajor

trackmeetsandwhatever.

“MomsaidIwashermiraclebaby—shewasn’tsupposedtobeabletohaveany

andendedupwithahysterectomyrightafterIwasborn.Theyweresoproudofme,andI

alwaysfeltlovedandaccepted.Evenaftertheaccident,whenIwasn’tastraightAstudent

anylonger,andIwasn’tallowedtovaultorevenruntrack,theystillsaidtheywereproud

ofmeforhowhardIwasworkingtofinishhighschool.IthoughtIwasstillgoingtoget

throughcollegeatthattime,too,andIwasgoingtopaymyownway.Bothofthemcame

fromfamilieswithmoney,buttheyalsobothmadetheirownfortunesaswell.Theywere

startingtotalkaboutretirementwhentheaccidenthappened.”

Ethantookalongdrinkfromhiscanofcolaandpausedforamomentbefore

continuing.

“Itwasourregularfamilytrip,andIalwayswentwiththem.Thethreeofusflew

outtoourlakehouseaboutonceamonth.Ihadjustgottenoutofthehospitalafterthe

lastsurgery,andthedoctorsaidIshouldn’tbeonaplane—somethingabouttheair

pressurechangesandpossibleswelling.Idon’treallyremember.Theyweregoingto

forgettheusualweekendvoyagealtogether,butIknewtheyneededabreak,andItold

themtogo.Abunchofmyfriendsweregoingtothrowmesomekindofget-wellpartyor

whatever,soIwouldn’tbeonmyownoranything.Theyfinallyagreedtogowithoutme.

Itwasasmallplaneflownbyoneofmydad’sfriends,anditwasjustthem,thepilot,and

thepilot’swife.Nooneknowsexactlywhathappened—turbulenceorwhat—butthepilot

lostcontroloftheplaneandeveryonewaskilled.”

Ethanreachedupwiththebackofhishandandsweptmoistureawayfromhis

eyes.Imaneuveredoutofmybeanbagchairandkneltbeforehim,takinghishands.He

glancedatmeshylyandlookeddowntoourjoinedhands.Heshiftedoveralittleinthe

beanbag,makingroomformetositnexttohim.Icrawledinbesidehimandwrapped

myarmsaroundhiswaist.Ifelthisarmsencirclemyshoulders,holdingmeagainsthis

chest.

“Thanks,”hesaidsoftly.

“You’rewelcome,”Iresponded,notreallysurewhatelseIcouldsay.

“IspentalotoftimethinkingIshouldhavebeenwiththem—thatweallshould

havebeenkilled.ThenIspentalotoftimedecidingitwasmyfaultbecauseItoldthem

togowithoutme.Idon’tfeelthatwayanymore,butittookalotoftimetoworkthrough

it.Idefinitelylearnedsomethingthough.”

“Nothingmattersmorethanthepeopleinyourlife,”Ethancontinued.“Your

relationshipswiththosearoundyouarewhatdefinesyouandmakesyoureal.Myparents

liveonbecauseIrememberthem,andIseehowwhattheydidaffectseverythingIdo

today.Theydon’tliveoninthestuffinthispenthouse,thefamilypropertyinWales,or

themoneyinthetrustfunds.”

IcouldunderstandwhyhewouldthinkthatthoughIwasn’tsosuremyfriends

wouldagree.Tomanyofthem,moneywaseverything.

“It’susuallylonelyhere,”Ethansaid.“Ispendtimewithmyfriendsintheir

crappy,little,overcrowdedapartmentbecausetheyarereal.Theyhavenoideahowmuch

moneyIhavethoughtheyknowmyparentsleftmesomething,buttheydoknowthat

moneymeansnothing.I’drathereatgrilledcheesemadeonahotplateattheirplacethan

havesomechefcookupfiletmignonandeatitherealone.Nothingheremeansanything

becauseIdon’tshareitwithanyoneelse.”

Ethanwasquietforaminute,hisfingersslowlytracingupanddownmyback.

“IthinkyouareclosertoyourparentsnowthanIhaveeverbeentomine,”Isaid

softly.“Momisoffinherownlittleworld—IthinkinParisnow—andDadis…well,he’s

justDad.I’veneverreallyknownhim.”

“Doesheworkalot?”Ethanasked.

“Doesallthetimecountasalot?”Ilaughedhumorlessly.“Whenheisn’tatthe

office,he’shavingdinnerwithclientsorgolfingwithboardmembers.He’snevernot

working.”

“Hesoundsdedicated.”

“Heis,”Iagreed.“Thebusinessisveryimportanttohim.That’soneofthe

reasonshesayshewon’ttrustittoanyonebutme.”

“Well,Iguessmymoneywillcontinuetosafelyaccrueinterest,then.”

“Whatisyourlastname?”Iasked,wonderingifhisfamilywasoneofthebigger

clientswhosenamesIwouldrecognize.

“Ramsey,”hesaidsoftly,andIcouldn’thelpmygasp.

Chapter6—Bonding

AssoonasIheardhimsayit,thewholestoryherecountedcamebacktome.

DoctorsBrysonandGraceRamsey,alongwithtwocolleagues,weretragicallykilledina

small-engineplaneaccidentalittlelessthantwoyearsago.Itwasalloverthesociety

pagesforamonth.Ivaguelyrecalledmentionofasingleheir,andobviouslyEthanwas

he.TheRamseyswereoneofthetopfiveclientsatDraganovFinancial,goingbacktothe

turnofthecenturyforbothfamilies.Theirportfoliowasinthebillions.

“OhmyGod,”Iheardmyselfmutter.IliftedmyheadupoffhischestsoIcould

lookathimbetter.ItriedtorememberifIhadseenpicturesofhisfamilybefore.I

probablyhad,butIcouldn’tremember.“Ihadnoidea.”

“Itdoesn’tmatter,”Ethansaid,succinctlycuttingmeoff.Helookeddownintomy

eyes,andhisexpressionwaspained.“Please,don’tletitmakeanydifference.”

“Itdoesn’t,”Isaid.Itwastrue,butnotforthereasonsEthanthought.Evenwith

hisname,myfatherwouldneverseepastthemetalandtheink.Myfriendswouldnever

seeanythingbuttheboyishfaceandtheBMXbicycleoftheguysevenyearsmyjunior.

Noonewouldseepastthelackofcollegedegreeandthenumerousfriendslivinginthe

worstpartoftown.

“CanIkissyouyet?”heasked,hisvoicequietagain.Helookedatmepleadingly.

“Yes,”Ireplied.

Hetiltedhisheaddownandpressedasoft,gentlekissagainstmylips.He

hesitatedonlyamomentbeforepullingbackandgrantingmehisglorioussmile,timesten.

Itlituphisentireface.No,hisentirebody.No,wait—itlitupthewholefuckingroomit

wassoblinding.

“Again?”heasked.

Icouldonlynod.

Hislipsmetmineasecondtime,andagainhewasgentleandslow,leavingquiet,

closedmouthkissesonmylips.Hemovedfrommytopliptothebottomone,thentoone

sidebeforetheother.Themetalfromhislip-ringsglidedsmoothlyovermyskin.I

reachedoutmytonguetotastetheringsandquicklyfoundhistonguetouchingmine,first

justthetip,thenwrappingaroundandsuckingmytongueintohismouth.

Hetastedlikewarmsummerdusk,vanillaicecream,andCoca-Colawiththe

slightestlingeringhintofhislastcigarette.Hemoanedagainstmymouthandleanedback

inthebeanbagchair,pullingmeslightlyontopofhim.

Iopenedmymouthandlethiminside,histonguereachingupandstrokingmylips

firstbeforetastingmeaswell.DespitethedesireIfeltbehindhiskiss,heremained

gentle,quiet,andcompletely,incrediblysweet.

Icuppedhisfaceinmyhands,ranmyfingersovertheroughstubbleonhis

cheeks,notingthecontrastbetweenhisroughjawandhissmoothlips,andpushedagainst

himtodeepenthekiss.Iranmytongueoverhistoplip,thenthebottomone.Themetal

loopsslippedandslidacrossthetipofmytongue.

“Doesithurt?”Iasked.

“Doeswhathurt?”

“Therings—theonesinyourlip.Doesithurttokiss?”

“Doesthishurt?”Ethan’steethgentlygrippedmylowerlipandpulled,bitingand

suckingitintohismouthbeforeslowlyreleasingit.

“No…thatfeelsawesome.”

“Theringskindoffeellikethat,”hesaidwithahalfsmile.“Suckonthem.”

Iblinkedacoupleoftimes,alittlesurprisedbyhisbluntness,butmycuriosity

overcameanyhesitationIhad.Ileanedclosetohimagainandwrappedmylipsoverthe

topandbottomofhislowerlip,effectivelytrappingtheringsinmymouth.Iranmy

tongueoverthemetal,whichwaswarmfromourkissing,beforeIdidashesaidand

suckedalittle.

Ethanmoaned,andhisgripbehindmybacktightened,crushingmychesttohis.I

pulledbackandletgoofhislip,andhiseyesflewopen.

“Wasthattoomuch?”Iasked.

“Fuck,no,”Ethansaid.“Thatfeltgreat.Don’tstop!”

Isuckedhislowerlipintomymouthagain,caressingtheringswithmytongueand

mylips,gettingtoknowthefeelofthembeforemytonguefoundhismouth.Heletme

leadforawhile,thenranhishanduptothebackofmyheadandpressedharderagainst

me,invadingmymouthwithhistongueliketheRomanarmyinvadingGaul—relentless

andall-powerful.

Ihavenoideahowlongwesatinafluorescentpink,bean-bagchair,makingout

likeacoupleofhighschoolkids,butIknewmylipswereactuallystartingtogetsore,and

mybladderdesperatelyneededabreak.Ipulledbackfromhim.

“IthinkIneedaminute,”Isaidquietly,tryingnottoblush.

“Areyouokay?”Ethanasked,searchingmyeyeswithhis.

“I’mgood,”Isaid.“Ijustneedto,um,usethebathroom.”

“Oh,okay.Noproblem.”Ethanstoodup,takingmewithhimandhelpingme

turnaroundsoIwasfacingthehallway.Isteppedintothebathroomagainandlooked

overmyflushedface.Mybreathswerestillcominginpants,andmyheartwasstilltrying

tojumprightthroughmyribcagesoitcoulddoalittlehappydanceonthebathroom

counter.ItriedtocalmmyselfdownabitasItookcareofbusiness,washedmyhands,

andsplashedsomecoldwateronmyface.

Icameoutofthebathroomanddidn’tseeEthaninthelivingroomanylonger.

Afteraquicklookaround,Ifeltalightbreezeandfolloweditouttoabalconydoorwhere

Ethanwasleaningagainsttheglassandmetalrail,smokingacigarette.

“Hey,”hesaidsoftly,andthathalfsmilecrossedhisfaceagainasheglancedat

me,thenlookedoutoverthecity.Heflickedashoverthesideandsighed.

“Everythingokay?”Iasked.

“Yeah,”hesaidwithabitofasnicker.“I’mjusttryingtofigureoutwhattodoso

Idon’tfuckthisup.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Iwanttoaskyoutospendthenightwithme,”Ethansaid,“butIdon’twantyou

togetthewrongidea.Ijustwantyoutostayandsleepwithme.”

“Ethan,I…”

“Waitasec.”Hetookalongdragoffthecigaretteandcrusheditunderhisheel.

“See,I’malreadysayingitwrong.Ijustdon’twantyoutogo.IwantyoutostaysoIcan

makeyouFrenchtoastforbreakfastinthemorning.IswearI’mnottryingtogetyouto

fuckmeoranything.I’mnotlikethat.Ihaven’thadsexsincethelaststeadygirlfriendI

had,andwebrokeupmorethanfourmonthsago.Shit,nowI’mjustbabblinglikean

idiot.”

“Ethan,youdon’thavetotellmethis,”Isaid,secretlythrilledhedidn’tappearto

beacompletemanwhoreoranything,notthathecouldn’tbeoneifhewantedtowithhis

looksandthatsmile.Regardless,Iwasgladtohearithadbeenaslongforhim—alittle

longer,even—asithadbeenforme,notthatIwasplanningonsleepingwithhimor

anything.

Notyetanyway.

“Iknow,”hesaid.“Ijustdon’twantyoutothinkI’mlikethat.Ireallylikeyou,

andIwanttospendmoretimewithyou.Ifyouleave,Imightnoteverseeyouagain.”

“Ofcourseyouwould,”Itoldhim.

“Youdon’tknowthat.”Histonewasinsistent.“Thelastthingmymomsaidtome

was“SeeyouonMonday.”Shedidn’tmeanforittohappen.Shedidn’tknowwe’d

neverlayeyesoneachotheragain.Life’salotmorefragilethanyouthink.Idon’twant

toassumeyouaren’tgoingtobehitbyabusorhaveaflukemedicalconditionflareupall

ofasuddenandrisknevermakingyoubreakfast.I’dregretnevermakingyoubreakfast.

Pleasestaywithme.”

“Itseemsfairlyunlikely…”Istartedtosaythatnothingwasgoingtohappento

me.Iwantedtoreassurehimthatsortofthingdidn’treallyhappen,butIcouldn’t.He

knewthatwasn’talwaysthecase.Hehadlivedthroughjustsuchafluke,andanythingI

saidnowwouldbeaslapinthefacetohim.

Itriedtowrapmyheadaroundwhathewasasking.Hewantedmetospendthe

nightwithhimsohecouldmakemebreakfastinthemorning.Hewantedtospendmore

timewithme,andIwasn’treadytoleavejustyet,either.However,itwasgettinglate,and

theUbersweregoingtogetfewerandfartherbetween.Idefinitelywasn’tgoingtoride

thesubwayaftermidnight—toomanycrazies.Athome,therewasstillmycartodeal

with.

ButstayovernightwithaguyIjustmet?Evenforcollegestudents,thatwas

pressingthelimitalittle.WhatwouldZoeysay?No—scratchthat.Zoeywouldalready

bedry-humpinghim.WhataboutPresley,thevoiceofsocialreason?She’dneverget

pastthepiercingsevenifshedidhearhislastname.Myfather…well,Dadwould

probablyjustliedownandhaveacoronary.

Ethanreachedoverandranhishandovermycheek,strokingmycheekbonewith

histhumb.

“Pleasestay,”hesaidandbrushedhislipsagainstmine.“Youcoulduseoneofthe

guestroomsifyouwant,butI’dratheryoustayedinmyroom.”

“Idon’tknow,”Ireplied,tryinghardnottogetlostinhiseyesagain.

“I’dliketomakeoutwithyouagain,ifthat’sokay.”

“Youhaveaknackforchangingthesubject,”Isaidaccusingly.Ethanlaughed.

“Sometimescertaintopicsneedtobeshutdown,”hetoldme.“Peopleliketoharp

onthethingstheycan’tdoanythingabout,anditgetsthemallworried,upset,andeven

angry.Eitheryouwilldecidetostaywithmeinmybed,intheguestroom,ornotatall.

Atsomepoint,you’lldecide,andIcan’tcontrolyourdecision.So,Ichangethesubjectto

somethingelsesoyouaren’tjustspendingallyourtimebeinganxiousaboutit,andI

won’tbeeither.Iwouldratherbeenjoyingyourcompany,howeverlongitlasts.”

“Yousurearesmartforyourage,”Imused.

“I’velivedalotinthepastfewyears,”Ethansaid.“IthinktheonlyrealmistakesI

havemadehavebeenwhenIdidn’ttellsomeonehowIfeltordidn’tdowhatIwantedto

dowhenIwantedtodoit.Youneverknowwhattomorrow’sgoingtobring,sodon’twait

todoorsaysomethingimportant.Youonlymakerealmistakeswhenyourefusetolivein

themoment.Iguessit’smylifemottonow.”

Takinghisadvice,whetherhemeantittobeadviceornot,Ireachedoverandtook

hisfaceinmyhands,bringinghislipstomine.Thenightairhadcooledoffthethinsilver

rings,andthecontrastbetweenthemetalandhissoft,warmlipswasenticing.Ireached

mytongueoutandranitoverthelittlehoops,warmingthem.Ethan’stonguepushedpast

mylipsandstrokedacrossmytongue,slowlycaressingitandtastingme.

“Staywithme…please,”Ethanmumbledbetweenkisses.

“I’llstay,”Isaid.Ifelthistonguereachbackintomymouth,andhishands

claspedthesidesofmyface.Hefoundmychinwithhismouthandthenmyneckandmy

shoulderbeforemakingthetrailbackagaintomylips.

Ididn’tknowifwhatIwasdoingwasagoodideaorhowitwouldlookorhowmy

fatherwouldreactifhefoundout,butIwasgoingtotakeEthan’sadvice,atleastfornow.

Iwasn’tgoingtocountthisnightamongmyregrets.Iwasgoingtoseizethismoment,

andIwasgoingtodowhatIwantedtodoandstaywithhim,consequencesbedamned.

MaybeIwouldlearnalittle.

Chapter7—Evaluate

“Wantafootmassage?”

Iwasn’tsureifIwasgoingtogetusedtoEthan’sbluntness.ThenIfreaked

myselfoutalittle,realizingIwasthinkingabouthowIwasgoingtogetusedtothe

behaviorpatternsofaguyImettwelvehoursago.Ofthosetwelvehours,Ithinkwehad

beenmakingoutfornearlythreeofthem.Afterweendedthelastsession,wewent

searchingEthan’sthreebathroomsforChapStick.Iguesshisideaofamake-outrecess

wastorubmyfeet.

“Youdon’thavetodothat,”Isaid.

“I’dliketo,”Ethansaid.“I’mwillingtobetyourfeetstillhurtfromwearingthose

fuck-awfulshoes.”

“Those‘fuck-awfulshoes,’”Isaid,“costeighthundreddollars.They’reperfect

forthesuit.”

“Theyhurtyourfeet,”Ethansaid.“Thatmeanstheysuck.Idon’tcarewhatthey

looklike.Comehere.”

Ethanextractedhimselffromthebeanbagchairandranoutoftheroom.Whenhe

returned,therewasabottleoflotioninhishands.Heploppeddownontheendofthe

couch,turnedtowardsthecenter,andsatcross-legged,holdingonehandout.

“Laydownwithyourheadoverthere,”hesaid,indicatingthearmofthecouch.

“Putyourfeetoverhere.Iswearyouwon’tregretit.Igiveanawesomefootmassage.”

“Yeah,youhaveathingforfeet,”Isaidwithagrin.Ethanblushed.Thatwas

somethingIcouldeasilygetusedtobecauseitwassofreakingadorable.

“Wellremembered,”hesaid.Hereachedouthistongueandfiddledwiththesilver

ringsinhislip.“Please?”

Ididn’tknowiftherewasawomaninexistencewhocouldactuallypassupaman

pleadingwithhertolethimgiveherafootmassage.Isatdownandplacedmyfeetinhis

lap.Ethangrinnedoveratme—Ilovedthewayhesmiledsooften,almostasmuchasthe

blush—andpickedupmyleftfootwithbothhands.

Hecoatedhishandswiththelotionandthenstartedbyrollingmyfootinaslow,

gentlecircle,stretchingoutthemusclesaroundmyankle.Oncehewasdonewiththat,he

movedtothetopofmyfootandstrokedgentlyfromthetopofmytoestowardsmyankle,

andthenheaddedmorepressureasherepeatedthemotion.Hetiltedmytoesbacka

little,rubbingtheballsofmyfeetinlittlecircleswithhisthumbsbeforeworkingallthe

waybacktomyheel.Heswirledmyankleinacircleagain—firstoneway,thentheother.

Ethanmadeafistwithonehandandrubbedthetopsofhisknucklesoverthesole

ofmyfootbeforeattackingeachofmytoesinturn,startingwiththebigone.Attheend,

heranhisindexfingerbetweeneachtoe,andthenslidhishandsbackoverthesoleofmy

foot.

Bythetimehewashalfwaydonewithmysecondfoot,Iclosedmyeyesandlay

myheadbackonthearmofthecouch.Hishandsfeltsogoodonmyskin,andhistouch

wasjustperfect—nottoogentleortoorough.IwasprettysureIletoutamoanmorethan

once,whichEthanwelcomedwithasoftchuckle.

Hestartedhummingwhilehisthumbsranupanddownmyinstep,somethingslow,

hauntingandunknowntome.IfoundIcouldn’topenmyeyesanymoreifIwantedto,

andhistouchandhisvoicefadedfrommyconsciousness.

Whatseemedamomentlater,Ijostledawake,findingmyselfcradledinhisarms

ashestoodinthemiddleofthehallway,lookingbackandforthbetweentwodoors.

“Ethan?”Isaidsleepily.Helookeddownatme,hisexpressionconfused.

“Ididn’tknowwhereIshouldtakeyou,”Ethansaidsoftly.“Ididn’tmeantowake

youup;Ijust…didn’tknowwheretogo.There’saguestroom…”

“Justtakemetoyourroom,”Isaid.

“ThankGod,”IheardhimmurmurrightbeforeIdroppedbackoff.

*****

Iwokeupdisoriented,tryingtofigureoutwhereIwas.Therewerewarm,strong

armswrappedaroundme,oneacrossmybackandtheotherupnearmyshoulder.Fingers

laylightlyacrossthebackofmyneck,threadedthroughmyhair.Ethan’sfingers.Iwas

atEthan’sapartment,inhisroom,inhisbed,inhisarms.

WasIoutofmymind?

Truetohisword,hehadn’ttriedanything.Againstmybetterjudgment,Iwouldn’t

havemindedtoomuchifhehad.

Iraisedmyheadabitoffhischestandlookedupintohisface.Itwascalmand

peacefulinsleep,andthedarkstubblecoveringhisfacewasalittlemorepronouncedthan

whenIfirstsawhimandwasbeginningtoblendinwithhissideburns.Mostofhishair

hadescapedtheunrulyman-bunatthetopofhishead,andInoticedforthefirsttimethat

hishairwaslongenoughtoreachpasthisshoulders.Hisdarklashestouchedthetopof

hischeekbone.Icouldhavejuststaredathimforsometime,butnaturecalled,andI

shiftedalittletobreakoutofEthan’sgrip.AssoonasImoved,hisarmstightenedand

pulledmeagainsthischestagain.

“No.”Hisraspyvoiceechoedthroughthedarkenedroom.Ilookedbackupat

himandfoundhisforeheadcreasedandhiseyestightlyshut.Therewasadistinctfrown

onhisface,buthedidn’tappeartohaveawakened.

Ismiledathistwisteduplookofdisappointmentandgentlyreleasedhisarmfrom

aroundmyneckbeforetryingtogetupagain.Hiseyesflewopen.

“Don’tgo,”hesaid.Hisvoiceheldatouchofpanic.

“I’mjustgoingtothebathroom,”Isaidsoftly.

“Oh,”hemumbledandreleasedhisgrip.Heblinkedafewtimesandthenglanced

overattheclockonthenightstand.Itwasearlystill—justalittlepastsixinthemorning.

HefollowedmewithhisgazemeasIrolledover,placedmyfeetonthesoftcarpetbeside

thebed,andmademywaytothemasterbath.

WhenIreturned,Ethanwasstillawakeandgreetedmewiththatsmile.Agirl

couldreallygetusedtoseeingthatinthemorning.

Okay,obviouslyIwasoutofmymind.

Heheldhisarmsout,andIcouldn’thelpbutreturnthesmileasIclamberedback

intotheking-sizebedandbackintothewarmthofhisembrace.Heslidhishandupmy

backandthreadedhisfingersthroughmyhairbeforerestinghishandlightlyagainstmy

neckonceagain.IheardandfeltEthantakeadeepbreath,whichheletoutslowly.I

tiltedmyheadabittolookupathimandsawhewasalreadyasleepwiththelastremnants

ofhissmilestillvisibleonhisface.

Contrarily,ittookmesignificantlylongertofallasleepagain.ForawhileIlaymy

headdownonhischestandkeptmyeyesclosed,butsleepdidn’tcomeasquicklyasI

wouldhaveliked,soIturnedmyheaduptowatchhimsleep.Icouldseejustalittlebit

moreofthetopofthetattoonearhisneck,almostcompletelyhiddenbyhisT-shirt.Itwas

redandblackwithjustahintofgreen.Iwasprettysureitwasaflowerofsomekind—

maybearose.Withhisarmwrappedaroundme,Icouldn’tgetabetterviewofthetattoo

there,butitwasdefinitelyatail.Ithoughtitwasmostlikelyadragonoratleast

somethingreptilian.Therewassomethingwrittenonthebottom,underthetriangular

pointedendofthetail,butIcouldn’tseeallthelettersfromtheangleIhad.IfIshifted

myhead,Icouldmakeout“i-e-m,”butthatwasall.Iwasgoingtohavetoaskhimabout

thetattoostomorrow.Maybehe’dtakehisshirtoffsoIcouldseethem.

Nowthere’sanidea.

IlistenedtoEthansighinhissleepandthoughtabouteverythinghetoldmethe

nightbefore.Iwonderedhowhehadreactedwhensomeonecametohimandtoldhim

bothhisparentsweredead.Iwonderedwhatwentthroughhisheadwhenherealizedhe

wasalone.Hehadbeensoyoung,too.Hestillwasreally—onlynineteen.Freaking

nineteen.Iwasn’tsureifIcouldcopewiththatornot.Istartedweighingalltheprosand

consofthiswholesituationinmyhead.

Pros:hewasreallysweetandkind;heseemedveryintelligent;hecouldhavea

differenceofopinion,statehiscase,andnotbemadornastyafterwards.Onedefinitepro

—hewasabsolutelygorgeous,andhissmilecountedasdoublygorgeous,hiseyesmaybe

triple.Healsohadgreattasteinbooks.

Con:hecouldn’treadthem.

Wasthatreallyacon?Itookamentalstepbackandreconsidered.WhenIdidn’t

makeanyheadwayonthatatall,Itriedthinkingaboutsomeotherdisadvantages.

Cons:hehaddroppedoutofcollege,andmyfriendsweregoingtothinkI’dlost

mymind.Theyweregoingtorolltheireyes,hopeIjustwantedtofuckhisbrainsoutfor

awhile,andwaitformetomoveontoa“real”relationship.Dadwasgoingtohatehim.

Thatwasabigone.IfItoldhimwhoEthan’sparentswerefirst,thenpreppedDad

onEthan’sappearancebeforeheactuallymethim,therewasaslimchancehewouldn’t

completelyfreakoutaboutthepiercings,tattoos,andtotallackofarealjob.Hisfriends

intheslumscouldnever,everbementioned.

Thiswasnotgoingtobeeasy.Backtopros.

Pro:kissinghimwasabsolutelymind-blowing.Ialmostwantedtogetmyownlip

rings.

Con:hehadbaggage,nodoubtaboutthat.Ireallydidn’twanttoholdthatagainst

him.Itwasn’tlikehecouldhelpwhathappenedtohisparents.Heobviouslyhadfelta

lotofguiltoveritatonetimeandmaybestilldidonoccasion.Faultornot,guyswith

baggagewereknowntobetroublesome.

Pro:footmasseuse.Definite,mind-blowingpro.

“Whatareyouthinkingsohardabout?”Ethan’sunexpectedvoiceshockedmeout

ofmyinnerramblings.

“Oh!Youstartledme!”

“I’msorry,”Ethansaidwithasheepishsmile.

“Youdon’tlooksorry,”Icommented.

“You’recutewhenyou’rejumpy,”hesaidandthenlaughed.

“You’recutewhenyou’resleeping,”Isaid,andIreacheduptokisstheendofhis

nose.

“Ilikedwakingupandhavingyouherewithme,”hesaidwithoutwarning,his

tonesuddenlyserious.“Itfeelsright.”

Hiswordsspookedme,notbecausehesaidthem,butbecauseIfeltthem,too.

“Howdidyougetthatscar?”heaskedsuddenly.Hereachedupandtracedthe

edgeofmylowerlip.

Ishiveredandpulledbackalittle.

“Bumpedintosomething,”Isaidquickly.“Notabigdeal.”

“Whatdidyoubumpinto?”

“Idon’tremember,”Ilied.“Itwasalongtimeago.”

Hescowledforamoment,thensmiledashischeeksflushedpink.

“Igottagetup,”hesaid.

Irolledtomyside,andEthansquirmedoutfromundermeandtheblanketsbefore

rushingofftothebathroom.Irubbedthetipofmyfingeroverthetiny,practically

unnoticeablescaronmylipandswallowedhard.

Ethanwasinthebathroomforawhile,andIstartedtowonderjustwhatthehellhe

wasdoing,buthefinallycamebackout.

“Yougoaheadandtakeashowerorwhatever,ifyouwant.”Ethanmotionedto

themasterbath.“Iputoutsomestuffforyou,includingsomeclothes.Ihopethat’s

okay.”

“Ofcourseitis,”Isaid,wonderingwherehefoundclotheswhileinthere.Itwasa

bigbathroom,butIdidn’tthinkitwasquitethatbig.“That’sverythoughtful,actually.”

“I’llgostartonbreakfast.”Ethanreachedoutandranhishanddownmycheek

beforeleaninginandkissingmylipsquickly.Hismouthwasminty,andIwatchedhim

runhistongueoverthelipringsbeforehesmiledatmeandpracticallyskippedoutofthe

room.Ishookmyheadandwalkedintothebathroom.

Chapter8—Fear

Twopink,fluffytowelswereneatlyfoldedontheedgeofthetub,andanew

toothbrushstillinitspackagingsatnexttothesinkinthebathroom.Itwasalsopink,just

likethetowelsandthebeanbagchairs.Iwasstartingtowonderaboutallthepinkin

Ethan’sapartment.Inoticedanotherdoorontheothersideofthebathroom,andwhenI

openedit,Iwasflooredbythesizeofthewalk-incloset,twothirdsofwhichwasfilled

withwomen’sclothes.Iclosedthedoorsoftlyandthoughtabouthowharditwouldbeto

gothroughone’sparents’thingsaftertheyweregone.Obviously,Ethanhadn’tbeenable

todoit.Ifoughtbackatearandturnedtofacetheshower.

Tocontradictmythoughtsoncolorschemes,theproductsintheshowerwere

decidedlymasculineinnature.IsmiledandlatheredmyselfupwithAxebodywashand

washedmyhairwithAmericanCrewshampoo.WhenIwascleanenough,Isteppedout

ontothe—yes,pink—bathmatandwrappedonetowelaroundmybodyandtheother

aroundmyhair.OnceIwasthoroughlydriedandsportingapairoflavendersweatpants

anda—yes,pink—T-shirtfromEthan’smother’swardrobe,Iopenedthebathroomdoor

andwalkedtowardsthekitchen.

Thesmellthroughthehallway,emanatingfromthestove,wasnothinglessthan

magnificent.EthanwasintheprocessofflippingapieceofFrenchtoastinalarge,

heavy-lookingskilletatthesametimehewasstirringasaucepanofsyrup.Helooked

overhisshoulderandgreetedmewithhisbeautifulsmile.

“Yourememberwhenwefirstmet,andIsaidyouwerepretty?”heasked.

“Well,yes,”Isaid,feelingmycheekswarm.“Thatwasonlyyesterday.”

“Iwasanidiotyesterday,”Ethansaid.“You’reincrediblybeautiful.”

Mycheekswentfromwarmtoblazing,andIhadtolookawayforaminute.I

wasn’tusedtosuchcomments,evenwithguysIhaddatedinthepast.Ireallywasn’tsure

howtorespond.

“Theyknewit,too,”Ethansaidquietly.

“Whoknewwhat?”Iasked,confused.

“Pastboyfriendswhonevertoldyouhowbeautifulyouare.Theysawit;theyjust

didn’tsayit.”

“Howdoyouknowthat?”Iasked.

“You’reblushing,”hesaid.“Thatmeansyouaren’tusedtopeopletellingyou

that.Also,mostguysareprettyineptatrelationshipsandnevertellgirlswhattheyreally

wanttosaybecausethey’reafraidthey’llsoundstupid.”

“Areyoujustthatgoodatrelationships?”Ihadtoask.

“No,”Ethanresponded,“butIdon’tdomuchtextcommunication,whichiswhat

fucksupalltherelationshipsIsee.Youcan’tconveytoneinatext,andpeopleare

constantlygettingpissedoffjustbecauseamessageisunclearortakenthewrongway.I

alsolearnfrommymistakes.MylastgirlfriendleftbecauseIdidn’tevertellherhowI

felt.OnceIrealizedwhatshewanted—no,whatsheneeded—itwastoolate.I’dalready

fuckeditup.”

EthanwentbacktoflippingFrenchtoast,andIstoodtherewithmymouthopen

forabit.Icouldn’tdecideifhewasforrealornot.Imean,evenifyouignoreallthepink

stuff,aguythisinsightful,sensitive,andthoughtful—andhe’sinterestedinwomen?It

reallydidn’tseempossible.Iresistedtheurgetostartlookingforcamerasandgameshow

hosts.

“CanIhelp?”IaskedwhenIcameoutofmystupor.

“Sure!”Ethannoddedtowardstherefrigerator.“There’sorangejuiceinthereand

glassesinthecabinetonmyleft.”

Iopenedthedoortothefridgeandgawkedabit.Asidefromajugoforangejuice,

lastnight’sleftovers,andtheingredientsforFrenchtoast,thefridgecontainedajarof

pickles,asqueezebottleofmustard,fourcasesofCokeandthreecansofSprite.Thatwas

it.

Okay,despitethepinkcolorscheme,hedefinitelywasn’tgay,notthatIreally

thoughthewas.Iretrievedtheorangejuice,filledacoupleofglasses,andthenplaced

themonthekitchentable.EthanflippedmoreFrenchtoastandemptiedthepotof

warmedsyrupintoasmalldishwithapourspout.Itookitfromhimandputitonthe

tablenexttothejugofextrajuicewhileEthanloadedaplatefullofFrenchtoastand

depositeditinthemiddleofthetable.

Wedugin,andImoanedatthetaste.ItwasundoubtedlythebestFrenchtoastI

hadevereaten.

“Ethan,thisisfantastic!”

“Thanks,”hesaidwithablush.“MydadtaughtmehowtomakeitwhenIwas

younger.Idon’tthinkheknewhowtocookanythingelse.Momhatedtocook,soweate

outalot,asyoucanimagine.”

“Myparentsweren’tmuchforcooking,either,”Isaid.“IhadanannywhenIwas

young,though.Shedidalotofcookingforthefamily.Shetaughtmehowtomakea

bunchofstuff,whichhascomeinhandysinceImovedout.It’seasytogetlazyandeat

outallthetimethough.”

“It’sexpensivetodoitallthetime,”Ethansaid.

“Youdon’treallyneedtoworryaboutthat,”Isaid.

“No,Idon’t,”Ethansaidwithascowl,“butmyfriendsdo,soIusuallytrytobring

somegroceriesoverthereinstead.SinceIeatovertheremoreoftenthannot,they’lltake

itandnotconsideritlikecharityoranything.It’sjustmycontribution,youknow?They

don’twantanyhandouts,butfood’spricey.IusuallytakeFaithwithmetoshop.She’s

oneofthefewthatknowsIhavemoney,butshewon’tletonaboutit.Shehelpsmepick

outtherightstufftobuy.”

“What’sdoyoumean,‘therightstuff’?”

“Thestuffthat’smoreeconomicalandthestuffthat’shealthier.Ican’tfigureout

what’sonsaleandwhat’smadefromwholegrainsornot.”

Ihadn’teventhoughtaboutit.Itoccurredtomethattryingtogetalonginthe

worldwithoutbeingabletoreadwasprobablyalotmoredifficultthanmostpeople

realized.IlookedoveratEthanandsawasmilethatdidn’treachanyoftherestofhis

face.Helooked…resigned…ormaybejustsad.Iwasn’tsure.

“Whyisithardforyoutoreadnow?”Iasked.“Ithassomethingtodowiththe

accidentinhighschool,right?”

“Youreadyforanotherlongstory?”Ethanasked.

“Sure,”Isaid,dippinganotherforkfulofFrenchtoastintoaglobofsyrup.Ethan

shovedthelasthugebiteintohismouth,wipedsyrupoffhischin,andtookalargegulpof

orangejuicebeforehestartedhisstory.

“Afterhittingmyhead,ittookalongtimeformybraintostartworkingagain.

LikeIsaid—Iwasinacomaforacoupleofdays.AfterIwokeup,Icouldn’tspeakor

walkoranything.Idon’trememberanyofthis,justsoyouknow.Myparentstoldme

whathappenedlater.Idon’trememberanythingfromthefirstweekIwasawake.Once

thebrainswellingcamedown,Icouldspeak,butIhadtohavealotofphysicaltherapyto

learntowalkalloveragain.Aboutthreeweeksaftertheaccident,Ihadthefirstgrand

malseizure.Istartedhavingthemaboutthreetimesaweek,andmedicationwasn’t

workingatall.Thentheystartedcomingmoreoften—threeorfourtimesaday—andthey

weregettingworse.Myheadwasjusttoomessedup,sotheydecidedtheonlythingthey

coulddowassomeprettymajorsurgerytostoptheseizures.”

Hepausedforamomentandlacedhisfingerstogether,staringattheemptyplate

infrontofhim.

“There’sthispartofyourbrain—it’scalledthecorpuscallosum—thatcarries

informationfromonesideofyourbraintotheother.Sometimesseizuresarecausedby

theinformationgettingkinda…messedup,Iguess.Messagesbetweenthetwohalvesof

yourbraingetlostandstartbouncingaround,whichiswhatwascausingtheseizures.

That’swhatwashappeningtome.Theseizuresweresobad,theydecideditwouldbe

betterto…um…well,cutthroughit,sothetwohalvesofmybraincouldn’ttalktoeach

otheranymore.Wetalkedaboutitforalongtimebeforeagreeingtothesurgery.Mydad

wasageneralpractitioner,andmymomwasanERsurgeon,buttheyknewseveralgood

neurologists.Aftergettingaboutsixsecondopinions,wealldecideditwastheonlywayI

wasgoingtogetanybetter,sotheydidit.”

Hetookadeepbreathbeforecontinuing.

“So,whentheydothesurgery,theyseveralltheconnectionsbetweentherightand

lefthemispheresofyourbrain,whichstopstheseizurefrombeingabletogofromone

sidetotheother.That’swhatmakesthemreallybad.Whentheycutthroughit,Istopped

havingseizures.It’scalledaninterhemisphericelectricalstorm,soyou’llbesetifyou

evergetonJeopardy.”

Myownbrainspuninalittlecircle.DidIjusthearhimright?Severallthe

connections?Didhejustsayhisbrainwascutintwo?Ifeltmyheartrateincreaseasmy

chestmuscleswereclenchingarounditatthesametime.Mystomachtightenedupas

well,justforgoodmeasure.Ihadtohavemisunderstoodwhathesaid.Ethanlookedover

tomeandsmirkedalittlebeforecontinuing.

“Yeah,sotherearesomekindafunkysideeffectswhenyourbrain’sbeencutin

half.LikeifIclosemyrighteye,andyoushowmeapictureofsomething,Ican’ttellyou

whatitisverbally.That’s‘causethespeechcenterofyourbrainisintheleftside,andthe

rightsidecontrolsyourlefteye.Icanwritedownwhatitiswithmylefthand,butthenI

can’treaditbacktoyou,soitdoesn’thelpmuch.Othersplit-brainpeoplecouldreadit,

andthenthey’dknowwhattheywerelookingat.Originally,Ithoughtitwaskindofcool,

butthatworeoffprettyquick.”

Ethanlookedupfromhishandsforthefirsttimesincehestartedtalking.Iblinked

rapidly,tryingtohidethepanicIfelt.Heblushedandthenlookedbackdownathishands

beforecontinuing.

“Theneurologistsaysmybraincan’tcomprehendsymbolsanymore,”Ethan

explained.“I’mactuallynotevenallowedtodrivesinceIcan’tunderstandthesigns.The

readingthing’snotcommoninspilt-brainpeople—that’swhattheycallyouwhenyou’ve

hadthatsurgery.Notbeingabletonamestuffwhenyoucloseyourrighteye,that’spretty

common.Sinceeverythingkindahappenedatonce,it’spossiblemyproblemswith

symbolswerepartoftheoriginaldamagefromtheaccident.I’mjustgladI’mnotcolor

blind,too.AtleastIknowredmeansstopandgreenmeansgo.”

“Idon’treallygiveashitaboutthedriving.”Ethancontinued,speakingquickly.

“IcangetwhereverIneedtobewithmybikeandthesubway.Istilltakemydad’scar

outacoupletimesayear—notduringrushhouroranything—justsoIknowitstill

works.Dadreallylikedcars,soIkepthisfavorite.Itsucksnotbeingabletoread,

though.Iusedtoreadallthetime.ItriedlisteningtobooksonCDs,buttheyjustdon’t

capturemyattentionthesamewayholdingabookusedto.Idunnowhy.Itriedholding

theCDcasewhileIwaslistening,butthatreallydidn’tdomuchforme,either.Momread

tomewhenIwasinthehospital.”

Iwatchedhistonguedartoutoverhisbottomlipandfiddlewiththeringsthere.

Ethanlookednervouslytohisright,thenhisleft,thenfinallybackuptome.

“So,thereyougo,”hesaidsoftly.“Iguesstheshorterversionwouldhavebeento

sayI’mbraindamaged.SomeofthefriendsIhadbackthensaiditaffectedmy

personalityaswell,butmyparentsdiedjustacoupleweeksafterthelastsurgery,soit

couldhavebeenthat,too.I’mnotreallysure.Idon’thaveseizuresanymore,atleast.”

Ethanlookedupfromhishandsandmetmyeyes.Hislookwasintense,andI

knewhewaswaitingformetosaysomething,butIdidn’tknowhowtorespond.

“Thanksforexplainingittome,”Ifinallysaid.“Ihaveheardofpeoplehaving

seizures,obviously,butIneverheardofanythinglikethis.”

“It’snotcommon,”Ethansaid.“It’saprettyextremewayofresolvingthe

problem,butinmycasetherereallyweren’tanyotheralternatives.”

“So,it’snotjustreading?”Iaskedforclarification.“It’sallkindsofsymbols?”

“Yeah,”Ethannodded.“Icanseefine,butwhenIlookatatrafficsignor

something,itjustdoesn’tmakeanysensetome.Youcantellmetwentytimeswhatit

means,butIjustdon’tgetit.IknowIshouldgetit,andIknowitshouldbeeasy,butthe

partofmybrainthatseesthepictureandthepartthatcaninterpretitdon’ttalktoeach

other.Lettersarethesameway,Iguess.”

Ethanlaughed.

“Sometimesit’sfunny,really,”hesaidwithasmile.“CeeCeeandIusedtoride

pastthiscafeeveryday.Whenwewentby,Ialwaysgotacravingfordonutsbutdidn’t

understandwhy.ThishappenedabouttwoweeksinarowbeforeImentionedittohim.

Hetoldmetherewasabigsignwiththewords‘FreshDonuts’paintedonthewindow.

Myeyescouldn’treadtheword,butmystomachcould!”

Ismiledandshookmyheadbutdidn’treallyfinditfunny.Ethanreachedoutand

grabbedmyhand.

“Don’tfeelbad,”Ethansaidquietly.“Idon’tusuallytellanybodyaboutthis.I

mean,IknowIshouldn’tbeashamedofitoranything—it’snotlikethere’sanythingIcan

doaboutit.Mostpeopledon’trealizethere’sanythingwrongwithme,andtherearealot

ofpeoplewhocan’tread,sopeoplewhofigureitoutjustassumeIneverlearnedhow.I

justdidn’twantyoutothinkIwas,um,stupidoranything,Iguess.”

“Ineverthoughtyouwere,”Itoldhim.“Imean,youhavesomescrewedupideas

aboutwhatmakesagoodmovie,butIcanforgiveyouforthat.”

Hemetmygazeagain,andIsawthelightcomebackintohisemeraldgreen

irises.Abig,fullsmilelituphisface,andhejustaboutjumpedoverthetabletotakemy

headinhishandsandpresshislipstomine.

“Thankyou,”hesaidbetweenkisses.“Iwasscaredofwhatyouwouldthink.

You’resosmart…”

Iwasgoingtoarguewithhimregardingmyintelligencelevel,butfranklyhis

kisseswerefartoodistracting,andwithinacoupleofminutesbothbreakfastandhis

disclosurewerecompletelyforgottenaswefoundourselvesbackinthepinkbeanbag

chair.WespentaboutanhourkissingandtalkingbeforeIrealizedIreallyneededtoget

outofthereforawhile.

“Ineedtogohome,”Isaid,andIwatchedEthan’sfacefallandhisgazedropinto

hislap.Henoddedslowly.“Ihavesomeerrandstorun,andIneedtogetbackintomy

ownclothes.”

“Willyouletmeseeyouagain?”Ethanasked.

“Ofcourse,Ethan,”Itoldhim.Ileanedoverandplacedmyhandonhischeek.“I

wanttoseeyouagain.”

“When?”Helookedupatmewiththeslightestglimmerofhopeinhiseyes.

“Anytimeyouwant,”Isaidautomatically.

“Tonight?”heinquired.Ilaughed.

“Areyouserious?”

“It’sSaturday,”Ethanpointedout.“Youshouldn’thaveschoolorwork.”

“Ihavestudyingtodo.”

“Youcoulddoithere,”heoffered.“MaybeIcouldhelp…aslongasIdidn’thave

toreadanything.”

“Ethan,that’sverysweetofyou,but…”

“I’mnotbeingsweet!”Ethan’svoicewasloudandharsh.Iflinchedalittle.I

hadn’theardthatparticulartonecomeoutofhismouthbefore.Ilookedoverathimand

sawhehadhiseyesclosedandhisjawset.Hetookthreelong,deepbreathsandthen

openedhiseyes.“Sorry,butI’mreallynot.Iwantyoutocomeback,andI’msayingall

thewrongshit.Ifthereareerrandsyouhavetorun,Iwanttogowithyou.Ifyouneedto

study,Iwanttojustbethereinthesameroom,andIswearIwon’tgetinyourway.Ifyou

havetogohometodolaundry,Iwanttohelpyoufoldit.Ijustdon’twanttobeaway

fromyou…andI’mprobablysoundinglikesomekindofstalkernutcaseandfucking

scaringyou.”

Chapter9—Obligation

Hestoodabruptly,grabbedhispackofcigarettesofftheendtable,andyanked

openthebalconydoor.Istaredafterhimforaminute,wonderingifmaybehewasalittle

bitofanutcasebutultimatelydecidinghewasnot.Hewasjustexpressingwhathereally

felt.

Whodoesthatinthetwenty-firstcentury?

ItentativelysteppedacrosstheplushcarpetuntilIwascloseenoughtoprop

myselfuponthewallneartheopeningtothebalconyandlookoutathim.Hewasleaning

againsttherailingandsuckinghardonthecigarettebetweenhisfingers.

“I’msorry,”hesaidbeforeIcouldcomment.“Ijustlikeyou,andI’mscaredthat

ifyouleave,somethingwillhappentoyou.Iknow.That’sfuckedupandIneedtoget

overit,butthefearalwayscomesbackwhenImeetnewpeople,andIwanttogettoknow

thembetter.Iwanttospendmoretimewithyou,butIdon’twanttofreakyouout,andI

don’twantyoutothinkI’mcrazy.”

“Idon’tthinkyou’recrazy,”Itoldhim.“It’svery…flatteringthatyouwantto

knowmebetterandthatyouareworriedaboutme.IdothinkIneedtogohomefora

littlebitbecauseIneedalittlespacerightnow.Ifyouwantmeto,Icouldcomeback

tonight.”

“Really?”Ethanturnedquickly,tossedhiscigarettetothesideandtooktwolong

stepstoreachme.Hetookmyfaceinhishandsandjustheldmeforamoment,looking

intomyeyesandmakingmefeelalittlelikefainting.Hecrushedhislipstomineand

thenbrokeawayquickly.“Shit!I’msorry—cigarettebreath…”

“It’sokay,”Isaidwithasmile.“Idon’tmind.”

“Really?”hesaidagain.“Youaren’tjustsayingthat?”

“No,notjustsayingit.”

Hislipswerebackonminehalfasecondlater.Histonguewasinmymouth,and

myneckwasbentbackwardsundertheforceofhisgrip.Hemovedhislipsovermychin,

downtomythroatandbackupagain.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme,andheheldme

tightlyagainsthischest.Finallyhereleasedmeandtookastepback,hisbrilliantsmile

lightinguptheroomagain.

“I’llgiveyoutheextrakey,”Ethansaidabruptly.Herushedbackinside,openeda

drawerinthekitchen,andpulledoutasecuritykeycardwith“Marquis”scrawledacross

thefront.“Justcomeonbackassoonasyoucan.Imean,don’tfeellikeyouhaveto

rush,but…shit.”

Heranhishandthroughhishair.

“It’sallright,Ethan.”Itooktheykeyfromhishandandsliditintomybag.“I’ll

probablybebackaroundseven.Isthatokay?”

“Thatwouldbeawesome,”Ethansaidwithanod.“Doyouwanttoeathere?I

canordersomethingforus,orIcouldmakemoreFrenchtoast.Oh!Icouldmake

mozzarellaforpizza!Sorry—thosearereallytheonlythingsIknowhowtocook.”

“You’vecookedformeenoughtoday,”Isaid.“Orderingsomethingwouldbe

great,thankyou.”

“Thankyou,”heresponded.

“Forwhat?”Iasked.

“Forbeingsounderstanding,”hereplied.“IknowIcan…takealittlegettingused

to.Itendtobealittleintense.Itrytoreinitin,butitdoesn’talwayswork.”

“Idon’tmind,”Itoldhim.“Really,it’skindofrefreshing.”

Igotthedouble-barreledsmile,andIwasprettysureIwasgoingtohavetokeepa

freshsupplyofunderweararoundforwhenIwasnearhim.Thatthoughtbroughton

anotherone.

“Actually,aslongaswearebeingstraightforward,Ihaveaquestion.”

“Anything,”Ethansaid.

“ShouldI,um,bringachangeofclothesfortomorrow?”

Ethan’sgrinlituptheroom.

“I’dreallylikeitifyoudid,”hesaid.

IaddedmyinformationonEthan’sphonebeforeIheadedout,andheimmediately

calledmesoIwouldhavehisnumber,too.Thenheinsistedontakingmypictureforhis

phone.Iwasn’ttoothrilledaboutit.Ihatedhavingmypicturetaken,andmyhairwasa

mess—butheblushedandshrugged.

“It’stheonlywayIknowwho’scallingme.”Heshowedmehiscontactlist,and

everyentryincludedapicture.“SinceIcan’treadthenames,thepicturesmakeitalot

easier.Iusethevoicecontroltocalltherightperson.Prettycool,huh?”

“Yes,itis.”Iwasn’tsureifIconsidereditcoolorsadthathehadtousesuch

devicesjusttocommunicatewithpeople.Itdidmakealotofsense,butitalsomademe

thinkaboutallthewaysEthan’slifewithoutreadingwasmoredifficultthantheaverage

person’s.“Iguessusingaphonewouldn’tbepossibleforyouotherwise.”

“Itwasreallyfrustratinginthebeginning,”hesaid,“butIgotusedtoit.Idon’t

eventhinkaboutitmuchnow.”

Ethancalledmeacabandwalkedmedowntothefrontofthebuildingtomeetit.

HekissedmesoftlyonthecheekbeforeIclimbedintothebackseatandgavethedriver

myaddress.Duringthetimeittookmetogethome,Ethansentmeaboutfifteenpicture

messages.Thefirstwasofhimwavingatme,hishairloosearoundhisshouldersand

drippingwetfromtheshower.Thenseveralmorepicturescamethrough,includingone

showingmetheleftoverFrenchtoast,apictureofacarryoutmenufromaChinese

restaurantthatwasallinChinese—soIhadnoideawhatitsaid—andpicturesofthree

DVDcoversdepictingmoviesthatwerenotbasedonbooks.Ifoundmyselfwondering

justwhytheheckhebotheredtogettextinginthefirstplaceifhecouldn’tread.Atleast

heseemedtohavefoundauniquewayofusingtechnology.

Ireachedmybuilding,greetedthedoorman,rodetheelevator,andslippedthekey

intothelockofmyapartment.AssoonasIwalkedin,Iimmediatelynoticedthat

somethingdidn’tfeelthesame.ThefeelingstayedwithmeasIenteredmybedroom

thoughallthesameitemswerepresentinthelargemastersuite—mahoganyfurniture,

originalpaintingsofseascapes,theduvetmyfather’ssecondwifepickedoutformewhen

Istilllivedathome,andmyfavoritechildhoodstuffedrabbit—buttheroomfeltempty

andlifeless.Normally,myapartmentwasmyhaven—theplacewhereIcoulddowhatI

wanted,whenIwanted,andhowIwanted.Noonewasinmyway,andnoonetoldme

howtorunthings.Ilovedthespaceinallits“justme”glory.

Ishookmyheadasifthefeelingwouldflyfrommyhairlikeraindrops.Itdidn’t,

butItriedtoignoreitasIshuffledtothekitchenandmademyselfaquicksalad.Ipoured

myselftheglassofwineIhaddesiredthenightbeforeandpickedthroughmymail,

throwingeverypieceintotherecyclingbinexceptforthecreditcardbillandadonation

requestfromMake-A-Wish.

OnceIhadaloadoflaundrygoing—includingmyborrowedclothing—Idida

littlegeneralcleanupinthekitchenandbathroom,pulledoutsomeofmyeconomics

books,andgottoworkonthestudying.ThestrangefeelingstayedwithmewhileIwent

throughthestudyguide,finishedthereading,andworkedoutafewpracticeessay

answers.

Ifinallyfiguredoutwhatitwas.IshouldhaveknownitmomentIwalkedthrough

thedoor.Ididn’twanttobehere,aloneandwithnoonetosharemythoughts.Iwanted

tobesomewhereelse,withsomeone,maybesittinginapinkbeanbagchair.

MycellphonerangandIjumped,aninstantsmileandstomachfullofbutterflies

accompanyingmeacrosstheroomtomypurse.Thebutterfliesallhaltedinmidflightand

droppedtothebottomofmygutinarock-likelumpwhenIsaw“Dad”flashingoverthe

screen.

“Hi,Dad,”Isaidwithaquietsigh.

“Heythere,Ash!”hecalledout.“Youdidanabsolutelyfantasticjobyesterday,of

course.Weneedtogooveryourschedulefornextweek.Now,whenareyoudonewith

classes?”

“Twomoreweeks,thenaweekoffinals,”Itoldhim.“Dad,I’mnotgoingtohave

timeforafullschedule…”

“Great!Thatgivesusalittlebitofpreptimetogetthingsworkedoutbeforeyou

startofficially,”Dadsaid.“NowIknowthere’sonedayyoudon’thaveanyclasses—

Tuesday,isit?I’llneedyoutocomeinduringthemorning,andplanonlunchinthe

companycafé.Therearealotofpeoplewhowillbeworkingunderyou,andtheyneedto

seeyourfaceafewtimes.Afterlunchwe’llgototheproshopandgetsomeclubsthatare

abetterfitforyou.Theonesyouwereplayingwithlastfallarewaytooshortformy

grownupgirl!”

DadlaughedandcontinuedhisramblingsforatleasttenminutesbeforeIhada

chancetosayanything.

“Dad,Istillhavetofinishschool!”Ifinallycriedintothephone.“It’sthefinal

semesterofmymaster’s.Ihaveathesistofinishandfourfinalexamscomingup.I’m

notgoingtobeabletobeattheofficethatmuch,andIcertainlywon’thavetimefor

golf!”

“Oh,Ashlyn.”Dadlaughedagain.“Don’tworryaboutallthatstuff.Youknow

I’mjustexcitedtohaveyouthere.I’mgoingtoretireinfiveyears,andthere’ssomuch

foryoutolearnbeforethen.I’mjustexcitedthetimeisfinallyuponus!”

“Iknow,Dad.”

“HowaboutwestickwithjustTuesdaymorningandthengolfafterVanessa’s

luncheononSunday?WecangototheproshopSundaymorning,soyou’llbeallset.

Thatleavesthewholerestoftheweekforschool,okay?”

“Ican’tpromiseyouallofSunday,”Itoldhim,“butIwillbeatlunch,andwecan

atleastdotheproshopandthedrivingrangeforanhour,deal?”

“Youareonetoughnegotiator,Ashbaby!”Dadchuckledintothephone.“Ican’t

waittoseeyoustarttakingontheboard!I’lltalktoyouMonday.”

HehungupbeforeIcouldprotestorevensaygoodbye.Itwasgettinglate,andI

neededtogetmyselftogetherbeforeheadingtoEthan’sfortheevening.Igrowled

audiblyandstompedoffintomybedroomtopickoutsomecleanclothesandtakea

shower.PickingoutclothesremindedmethatIneededtopackanovernightbag,which

mademeforgetallthoughtsofmyoverbearingfatherandbroughtthenicebutterfliesback

tomystomach.

ThephonewasringingagainwhenIgotoutoftheshower.Irantoitwithmy

towelfallingoffofme,onlytoagainfinditwasnotEthan,butPresley.Iletitgoto

voicemail.Idefinitelywasn’tupforthatsortofconversation.ShewasgoingtoaskwhyI

didn’tshowupattheclublastnight,andIdidn’thaveananswer.Iwentbacktomy

bedroomandstoodinsidethewalk-incloset,tryingtodecidewhattowear.Ineeded

somethingcasualandcomfortablebecausethatfitEthan’sapartmentperfectly,and

definitelynoheels.Actually,flip-flopswereprobablyasappropriateasanything.I

laughedatthethought.

Iendedupindarkjeansandalacytanktop,completingtheoutfitwiththepink

ConverseshoesEthanhadgivenme.Irefusedtoadmitwhy,eventomyself,butIalso

madesureIpickedoutsomeofmynice,lacepantiesandbrasets.Itossedinafairly

sheersetofpajamasaswell,thoughagain,therewasnorealreasonformetodothat.

Theywerejustatthetopofthedrawer,whichiswhyIpackedthem.Yes,that’swhy.It’s

notlikeIdugaroundthroughthemoreplainonesatall.Ididn’t.Really.

IcalledthenumberonmyautoassistancecardandtookanUberovertoPresley’s

apartmentbuildingwhereIwatchedtheguyidentifytheproblemasadeadbatteryand

jump-startmySaab.Withaquickthanks,Imadesurethetrunkwassecurelylatchedand

headedtoEthan’s.WhenIarrivedattheparkinggarageentrance,Iusedthekeycard

Ethangavemetoopenthegate.Onceinside,Ihadnoideawheretogo,butHenrywaved

medownandofferedtoparkthecarformeinoneofEthan’sspots.Ialmostaskedhow

manyspotshehadbutthoughtbetterofit.

Thekeycardalsoworkedtheelevator,andIwassoonsteppingintothefoyerof

Ethan’spenthouseapartment.Everythingwasprettymuchasithadbeenthenightbefore

exceptforacardboardpizzaboxonthekitchentablewithasinglepieceofmushroomand

pineapplepizzainthemiddleofit.Mushroomsandpineapple?Really?Ishookmy

head.Atleastthereweren’tanyanchovies.Thatjustmighthavescaredmeaway.I

slippedmypinkConverseoffandsetthemnexttoEthan’slime-greenones.Ihadto

laughalittletomyself—thecolorslookedabsolutelyhorribletogether.

“Ethan?”Icalledsoftlybutdidn’tseeorhearhim.Ilookedoutthebalconydoor,

buthewasn’touttheresmoking.Ihoveredinthekitchenforafewminutes,hopinghe

wouldjustappearfromsomewhere,buthedidn’t.

Standingaroundinsomeoneelse’slivingroomwhentheyweren’ttheremademe

feelcreepy.Istartedcheckingthecornersoftheroomforsurveillancecameras,

wonderingifIwasabouttobepunked.Afterafewminutesofwaitinginsilence,I

decidedtolookaroundabitmore.

Thefirstbathroomdoorwasopen,andtheguestroomwasemptyasIglanced

throughthedoorwaywhilewalkingupthehall.Hewasn’tinhisbedroomortakinga

showerinthemasterbath.Imovedfurtheralongthehallway,findingtwomoreguest

bedroomsandastudywithadesk,acomputer,andasmalltelevisionhangingonthewall.

Thedooracrossthehallfromthestudywaspartiallyopen,andwhenIpeekedthroughthe

opening,Isawahugeroomlinedwithbookshelves.

Itwasalibrary,righthereinthepenthouseapartment.Therehadtobethousands

andthousandsofbooks.Someuponthetopshelfwereleather-boundandancientlooking

whileonewholeshelfwasdedicatedtoDanielleSteelepaperbacks.Literallyevery

literarygenrewasrepresented.Alargepicturewindowoverlookedthecityandoneof

thosehuge,overstuffed,seat-and-a-halfchairssatnexttoasmallendtable.Inthemiddle

ofthelibrary,closertothedoorthantheotherchair,wasatraditional-lookingwooden

rockingchair,paintedwhite.InthemiddleofthechairwasEthan,soundasleepwithhis

handonacopyofFrankHerbert’sDune,whichwaslyingacrosshischest.Hisotherarm

hungoverthesideofthechair,andhenearlygrazedthefloorwithhislong,palefingers.

Ipushedthedooropentherestoftheway,walkeduptohimandsmiled.Hedidn’t

stir,andIwonderedifIshouldwakehimorlethimsleep.Helookedsopeacefuland…

young…lyingtherewiththepapercoverofthehardboundbookcurlingawayfromthe

spine.Iwonderedwhyhehaditoutsincehehadmadeitveryclearhecouldn’treadit.

ThenIrealizedwhyhelookedyounger.Hehadshaved,andallthestubblethathad

coveredhisfacebeforewasnolongerblockingmyviewofhissmooth,paleskin.I

couldn’thelpmyself;Ihadtoreachoverandtouchhim.

Ethan’seyesopened.

Chapter10—Read

“Ohshit,”hesaidashesatupstraighterintherockingchair.Thebookslipped

fromhishandandfelltothefloor.“Ididn’tmeantofallasleep.”

“Whatareyoudoinginhere?”Iasked.

“Um,notmuch,”hesaid.Hereacheduptogatherhishairatthebackofhishead,

twistingitupintoabunandthenreleasingit.Itfellaroundhisshouldersasherubbedhis

eyewithhisknuckles.“Justkindofhangingout,Iguess.Ihadn’tbeeninherefora

while.”

“Ethan?”Isaidsoftly,andhelookedupatme,stillrubbingthesleepoutofhis

eyes.“Whythebook?”

“Oh,um…well…”hesaid,stammering.Hereacheddownandgrabbedthebook,

closedit,andstareddownatthecover.“Shit.Um,itwasoneofmymom’sfavorite

books.Well,series,really.Ithinkshereadthemallabouttwentytimes.Ialwaysmeant

toreadthem,but…well…IguessIwaitedtoolong.Iwatchedthemovie,butapparently

somuchwasleftoutthatalotofitdidn’tmakeanysense.”

“Wereyoutryingtoreaditnow?”

“No,Ireallycan’t,”hesaid.“Iusedtotry,butitwaswaytoofrustrating.Before

theaccidentIusedtofallasleepreadinginhereallthetime.SometimeswhenI’mtired

butIcan’tgettosleep,sittinginthischairandholdingabookhelpsme.Iusedtotake

sleepingpills,butAndreatoldmetheywereaddictive,andIfiguresmoking’sbadenough

asitis.Ididn’tneedtobedependentonanythingelse,soIstoppedtakingthem.

SometimesIdrinkchamomiletea.Andreamakesitandit’sreallygood.Itcanhelpa

little.”

“WhoisAndrea?”Iasked,apangofridiculousjealouslystabbingmeinthegut.

“CeeCee’sgirlfriend,”hesaid.Iimmediatelyrelaxed.“Orfiancée,now,Iguess.

They’resupposedtogetmarriedonthebeachnextspring.Andilikestopretendshe’s

takingcareofme,andIkindoflikehavingherplaymom,soIlether.Isthatweird?”

“No,”Isaidquicklyandthenreconsidered.Hewassocompletelyhonest,andI

wantedtoreturnthefavor.“Well,yes,alittle,butIthinkIunderstand.”

“Shecan’thavekids.”Ethansaidsoftly.“Shefoundoutlastyearandwaskinda

devastatedaboutit.She’sonlythirty,andtheywantedtohaveabunchofthem.AndI

don’thaveamom,soit’skindaworkedoutforus.”

“Can’tshedofertilitytreatmentsorsomething?Invitrofertilization,maybe?”

Ethanscowledforamoment.

“Theydon’thavethatkindofmoney,”hesaid.

“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Ididn’tmeantobeinsultingoranything.I’mgladthere’s

someonelookingoutforyou.”

“Wealllookoutforeachother.”Ethan’ssmilereturned.“Hey!Iwasgoingto

orderChinesefromthisSzechuanplacearoundthecorner.Theydon’tdeliver,butIcan

pickitupandbringitback.DoyoulikeChinese?Isentyouapictureofthemenutosee

ifyoulikedChinese,butIfiguredthemessagewasn’tallthatclear.Thisistherealstuff,

nottheAmericanizedcrap.It’sspicythough.Doyoulikespicyfood?”

EthanendeduporderingChineseandracingouttopickituponhisbicycle,

completelyrefusingtoletmegetitinthecar.Itwasincrediblydelicious,butabithotfor

mytaste,andIendedupgoingthroughaboutfourglassesofwater.Throughoutdinnerwe

talkedmoreaboutbooksandthelibraryinhisapartment.Ithadbeenhismother’s

favoriteplace.

“ShealwaysreadtometherewhenIwasyounger,”Ethansaid.“Itwasjust…I

don’tknow…ourtimetogether.”

“Itsoundslikeyouwerereallyclose.”

“Wewere.IwasclosetoDad,too,justnotinthesameway.”Helaughed.

“CeeCeesaysIwasamamma’sboy.Idon’tconsideritderogatory,though.”

“HowlonghaveyouknownCeeCee?”

“Herantrackwithmeinhighschool,”Ethansaid.“HewastherewhenIgothurt

andstayedwithmeuntiltheambulancegotthere.Ionlyrememberbitsandpiecesofit

sinceIkeptpassingout.IdorememberhowgladIwashewasthere.Hewasayearolder

thanmeandasenior.Ihadn’tevenknownhimbeforeIgothurt,andwhenIrealizedhe

hadstayedwithmethatwholetime…well,Iwasgrateful.IguessIwasprettyimpressed

aswell.Hedidn’tknowme,andhestilldoesn’tknowaboutthisplaceortheaccountsat

yourdad’scompany.He’sjustmyfriend.”

“Itsoundslikehehelpedyouthroughalot.”

“Hedid,”Ethansaid.“Hestilldoessometimes.HimandAndreaboth.”

“So,he’sayearolderthanyou,whichmakeshimtwenty?”

“Yeah.”

“AndAndrea’sthirty?”

“Yeah.”Ethanlaughed.“She’sacougar!”

Ismiled.ThegreateragedifferencebetweenEthan’sengagedfriendsmadehis

abilitytoseepastouragedifferenceclearer.

“It’snicethatthey’resosupportive,”Isaid.

“FaithandGwenhelpmeout,too.”

“Dotheyallliveinthesameplace?”

“CeeCee,Andi,andGwenallliveinoneapartment,butFaithliveswithher

parents,”hetoldme.“Shestayswiththeotherssometimesontheweekend,buthermom

getspissedwhenshedoes.Shedoesn’tlikeGwenverymuch,soshemakesitkindof

hardforFaith.Shehasn’tquitecometotermswiththewholelesbianthing.”

“Whendidshe,um…comeout?”

“Sophomoreyear,butshewasprettyquietaboutitforalongtime.Faithwasin

myclassinhighschool.She’safreshmanattheuniversitynow.MymomlovedFaith.I

thinkshekeptwaitingforustoadmitweweredating,butshefinallyfigureditout.Mom

didn’tcare,andshewasalwaysalotmoresupportivethanFaith’sfamilyeverwas.Her

momwasultra-religiousandusedtodraghertosomereligiousyouthgroupthattoldher

gaysweregoingtohellandallthatbullshit.Shespentalotoftimeatmyplacejusttoget

awayfromhermom.FaithandIwenttoalotoftheschooldancesandshittogether

though—atleastuntilseniorprom.ShemetGwenrightbeforethen,butthethreeofus

wenttogether.”

“Youdidn’thaveadate?”

“Well,IwasgoingtojustgowithFaith,”hesaidwithashrug.“Iwasn’tseeing

anyonethenanddidn’treallyhavetimetofindanotherdate.Itwascool,though—wehad

agreattime,andImetSheilathere.ShecamewithaguynamedBen,butBenreally

wantedtobetherewiththisothergirlandendedupditchingSheila,sosheandIdanced

together.Wewentoutacoupleoftimesafterthat,butnothingeverclicked.Notforme,

atleast.”

“Sheilafromtherestaurant?”

“Yeah,that’stheone.”

“Hmm,”Imumbledundermybreath.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Ashlyn,”Ethansaidwithhiseyesnarrowed.“Whateveryouarethinking,just

sayit.”

Ilookedupathimandthoughtabouthowopenandhonesthehadbeenwith

everythinghehadsaidsinceIfirstmethim.Normally,Iprobablywouldn’thavesaid

anything,butwhenIlookedintothoseintenseeyes,itjustcameoutofmymouthwithout

warning.

“Ididn’tlikethewayshepawedatyouwhenwegotthere,”Isaid.

“Pawedatme?”Ethanlaughed.“Yeah,sheisalittletouchy-feely.”

“Well,Ididn’tlikeit.”

“Youweren’tjealous,wereyou?”Ethangavemeaplayful,smirkingsmile,which

Iimmediatelyturnedawayfromasmyfacewarmedup.Helaughedagain.“Youwere!”

“No,Iwasnot,”Isaid,defendingmyselfevenwhenIknewitwasn’ttrue.“Ijust

thoughtitwasrudewhenyouwereobviouslytherewithadate.”

“MissMannersprobablywouldn’thaveapproved.”Ethannodded.“Ithinkmy

momwouldhavelikedyou.”

“Whydoyousaythat?”

“Becausemannerswereveryimportanttoher,”hesaid.“Shewasalwaystelling

metobecarefulofwhatIsaidanddidbecauseIcouldaffectotherpeople.Thenshe’d

bringoutastorybookaboutbullyingorsomethingtomakeherpoint.Iswearshehada

kid’sbookforeverysocialsituationtherewas.Shit,they’reprobablyallstillinthelibrary

somewhere.”

Ethanlookeddownathishandsforaminute,thenjumpedupandstartedclearing

awaythefoodcontainersandputtingthedirtydishesinthedishwasher.Hewasquietfor

awhile,andIwonderedifhewasstillthinkingabouthismother,andthenIremembered

thebookhehadbeenholdingwhenIfirstfoundhiminthelibrary.

“Ethan?”

“Yeah?”

“Wouldyoulikemeto,um,readDunetoyou?”Iasked,notsureifthiswasreally

agoodideaornot.Theofferalonecouldbringupmemoriesofhismother,andhemight

havehadenoughofthinkingabouther.Icouldalsohavebeeninsultinghim.

“Areyouserious?”Ethanturnedandstaredintomyeyes,hisexpressiononeof

shock.

“Well,yeah,”Isaid.“Imean,ifyouwouldliketohearit,anyway.Youwouldn’t

haveto,Ijustthought…”

“CouldIholditwhileyoureadit?”heasked,hisvoiceholdingtheslightesttone

ofdesperation.

“Ithinkthatwouldwork.”

“Yes,please.”Ethan’svoicewasaraspywhisper.Ilookedcloserathimand

realizedthereweretearsinhiseyes.“Noone’sever…um…wow…”

Ethandroppeddownontooneofthekitchenchairswithhiselbowsonhisknees

andhisheadinhishands.

“Areyouokay?”Iasked,sittingnexttohim.

“Yeah,”hesaid,wipingthebackofhishandacrosshiseyes.“Shit,I’msorry.I’m

notusuallylikethis.Ihaven’ttalkedaboutanyofthisforawhile.Iguessitkindof

bringsitallback.”

“Ethan,don’tapologize.”Ireachedoverandtookhishandsinmine,pullingthem

awayfromhisface.Ileanedinandkissedhistear-stainedcheekbone.“Youdon’thaveto

besorryforanything.”

Ikissedtheothercheek,thenhislips.Hecoiledhisarmsaroundmywaistandhe

pulledmybodyupagainsthis.

“Canwestartnow?”Ethanasked.

“Sure,”Ireplied,“ifyouwantto.”

“Please,”hesaid.

Hegrabbedmyhandandledmedownthehallwaytothelibrary.Isatinthe

oversizedchairfirst,andEthanpositionedhimselfbetweenmylegs,scootinghimself

downabitsohecouldresthisheadagainstmyshoulder.Islippedonearmunderneath

Ethan’s,wrappingitaroundhissidetoholdthebook.Heturnedhisheadtolookupatme

andsmiledadelicioussmile—sodeliciousIhadtotasteitbeforeIcouldbegintheactual

reading.

Ethanmovedhisheadbacktoitsplaceonmyshoulder,wrappedhisfingers

aroundmine,andweheldthebooktogether.Iturnedpastthetitlepagetothefirst

chapter.

“Abeginningisthetimefortakingthemostdelicatecarethatthebalancesare

correct.ThiseverysisteroftheBeneGesseritknows…”

IreadforalmosttwohoursbeforewedecidedtotakeabreaksoEthancould

smoke,andIcouldruntothebathroom.Icameoutandwalkedintothegreatroom,

raisingmyarmsupovermyheadandstretchingabit.Wehadbeensittinginoneplace

foralongtime,andIwasalittlesore.Isawthelargeglassofwaterleftoverfromdinner

stillsittingonthekitchentableandwenttoquenchmydry-from-readingthroat.

TheslidingdoorofthebalconyopenedandEthancamebackin,tossedhispackof

cigarettesonthetablenearthecouch,andcameupbehindme.Hetrailedhisfingersover

mysidesandaroundmystomach.

“Idon’tknowifI’lleverbeabletothankyouenoughforthat,”hesaid,placinghis

chinonmyshoulder.

“Youdon’thaveto,”Itoldhim.“Ilovereading,andI’dneverreadthatone

before.”

“Itreallymeansalottome.”Ethanhuggedmybackagainsthischest,andIfelt

hislipsagainstthetopofmyshoulder.

“Well,wearen’tthatfarintoityet,”Isaid.Iplacedmyhandsoverhis,stillresting

onmystomach.“Westillhavelotsmorereadingtodo.”

“I’mglad,”hesaid,andhekissedmyneck.“Youshouldprobablytakeabreak,

though.Youwanttowatchsomethingandrestyourvoice?Ididn’tknowifyouhadseen

anyofthemoviesIsentyoupicturesof,butwecouldwatchoneofthem.”

“I’mallright,”Itoldhim.“Iwouldn’tmindareadingbreakthough.Youwantto

justsitforabit?”

“Sure,”hesaid.HegrabbedacanofCokeoutofthefridge,addedmoreicetomy

water,andploppeddownononeofthebeanbagchairs.

“Sowhat’supwiththechairs?”Iasked,gigglingalittle.“Theydon’treallymatch

therestofthedécor.”

“Yeah,Iknow.”Ethanblushed.“IgotthembecauseIalwayswantedbeanbag

chairs,andMomandDadwouldneverletmegetany.Momthoughttheywerebadfor

yourbackorsomething,whichIalwaysthoughtwasbullshit.Anyway,whenIwentto

buythem,Istartedfeelingguilty—Iwasstilldealingwithalotofguiltthen—anddecided

togetpinkones.Pinkwasmymom’sfavoritecolor.Youcanprobablytellfromallthe

pinkshitaroundhere.”

“Ididwonderabit.”Ismiled.Ethanreachedhishandsabovehisheadand

stretched,muchlikeIhadaminuteago.Whenhedid,Isawmoreofthetattoouphis

arm.

“Ethan,couldIaskyousomething?”

“Sure,”heresponded.“Anything.”

“Well…um…Icanseeyouhavetattoos.Iwasjustwonderingwhattheywereand

maybewhattheymeant,ifanything.”

“Ohyeah,sure,”EthansaidandimmediatelygraspedthehemofhisT-shirtand

pulleditoverhishead.

Ohmy…wow.

Chapter11—Escape

Teenagerornot,Ethanwithoutashirtlookedmightyfine.Hewasn’tanoverly

muscularguy,buthisshoulderswerebroad.Themusclesinhisarmsandshoulderswere

definedandsimplydivine.Imovedinfrontofhimandkneltdowntogetabetterlook.A

betterlookatthetattoos,ofcourse.Well,andmaybehisshoulders.Andhisabs.His

chestwasnice,too.Ohmy…doublewow.Hisnippleswerepierced.Theybothhad

silverhoopsthatwereslightlylargerthantheonesinhislip.

Ethanturnedsidewaysalittletogivemeabetterviewofhisbicepmuscles,er,the

armandshouldertattoo.Thetail,asIhadsuspected,belongedtoadragon.Itcurled

aroundhisbicepandmetwiththebodyandclawsuparoundhisshoulderwhiletheneck

curvedoverthetopofhisshouldertotheheadsplayedoverhisrightpectoral.The

letteringrightunderneaththespikedtailreadCarpeDiem.Theothertattoo,upnearthe

leftsideofhischest,wasofastylizedpairofroses:onewaslargewiththesmallerone

beneathit.Aribbonwrappedaroundthestems,withthenamesBrysonandGrace

scriptedrightoverhisheart.Ireachedoutandstrokedtheimageoftherosesfora

momentbeforelookingupintoEthan’seyes.

“Thatoneisprettyself-explanatory,”hesaidwithashrug.Inoddedinresponse.

“ThedragonjustremindedmeofDadbecauseheloveddragonsineveryform—books,

paintings,movies—whatever.It’sovermyshoulderbecausehewasalwayscomingup

behindmeandwatchingwhateverIwasdoing.Italsomakesmefeellikeshe’sstill

watchingme,youknow?”

“Thatmakessense,”Isaid.Iranmyfingersuphisarmandfollowedthepathof

thetailuntilIreachedthedragon’shead.Thenmyfingersheadedbackdownagaintothe

lettering.“CarpeDiem.”

“It’sprettymuchmymotto.”Ethansmiled.“Tomorrowistoomuchofan

unknown.Ifthere’ssomethingyouwanttodo,alwaysdoittoday.”

“Idon’tthinkI’veeverreallylookedattattoosupclose,”Isaid.“They’remore

colorfulthanIthoughttheywouldbe.”

“Itdependsonthedesign,”Ethansaid.“Someare;somearen’t.”

“Whendidyougetthese?”

“Igottherosesonmyeighteenthbirthdaybecausenoonewouldletmegetit

beforethen,”hesaid.“Thedragonwasjustacouplemonthsago,aboutayearafterthe

first.IsawitinatattooartbookofGwen’sandtookitintothetattooplaceneartheir

apartment.LikeIsaid—itremindedmeofDad.”

“Didyougetyourpiercingsthen,too?”

“No,”Ethansaid.Hereacheduptohisrightear.“Igotthemtheyearaftermy

parentsdied.Ihadkindofabreakthrough—Iwasstillinweeklytherapythen—whenI

finallyletgoofalltheguiltIwasfeelingjustforbeingalivewhentheyweren’t.Irealized

theyhadalreadytaughtmeeverythingIneededtoknow.Ijustneededtofigureouthowto

applyittomylife.”

“Aretheearringssignificant,too?”Iasked,hopingIwasn’tpressingtoomuch.

Henodded.

“Thesethreearemeandmyparentstogether,”Ethansaid,lettinghisfingersglide

overthethreesilverringsinhisrightearlobe.Hepulledeachofthemoutofhisear,and

showedmethenamesengravedinsideeachring—Ethan,Bryson,Grace.Heputthem

backthroughtheholesinhisearinthesameorderandthenmovedhishandovertohis

leftbrowwherethesingleringwas.“Thisoneisme,alone.It’suponmyheadbecauseI

hadtolearntothinkformyselfandmakemyowndecisionseveniftheyweren’twhat

everyoneelsewantedmetodo.”

Ihadtoswallowhardatthethoughtofhimconsideringhimselftobesoalone.I

foundmyselfwishingIhadbeentherewhenithappenedsoIcouldhavehelpedhim

throughitatthetime.

“These,”Ethansaid,placingthetipsofhisfingersagainsthisbottomlip,covering

theringsthere,“aremyparentsagain,becauseaslongastheirnamesareonmylipsand

theirmemoryinmyheart,they’llalwaysbewithme.I’malittleintosymbolism,I

guess.”

“Ethanthat’s…beautiful,”Iwhispered.Iblinkedacoupleoftimestopushback

thetearsthreateningtoform.

“Thanks,”hesaid,blushingagain.Hetwiddledwiththeringsonhislipsandthen

lookedupatme.“Ihavesomethingelseherethat’sbeautiful.”

“What’sthat?”Iasked.

“You,”hereplied,andpulledmyfacetohis.Hemoldedhislipstomineand

broughthisarmsaroundmywaist.Ifelthishandspressintomyback,holdingmeagainst

hisbarechest.Iopenedmymouthtohim,andhereachedhistonguegentlyinside,

caressingmytongueandleavingmebreathless.Islidmyfingersoverhisbarearms,upto

hisshoulders,andoverhisneckbeforeIgrabbedaholdofhishairandpulledhimcloserto

me.Hemoanedagainstmymouth.

“Thatreallyfeelsgood,”hesaidwhenhebrokeawayfromme.“Idon’tknow

why,butitdoes.”

“This?”Iasked,tuggingathishairagain.Ihadneverbeenattractedtomenwith

longhairbeforeanddefinitelydidn’tsubscribetotheman-buncraze,butIlovedhowhis

hairfeltinmyfingers.

“Yeah,”hesaid,alongwithanothermoan.Hekissedmeagainandagain,and

prettysoonweweremakingoutonthebeanbagchaironcemore,justlikethenight

before.IhadtheaddedbonusofhavingashirtlessEthan,anditwasn’tlongbeforeIhad

toexploremoreofhistorsowithmyfingers.Startingwithhisshoulders,Itrailedmy

fingersdownacrosshispectorals.Hegruntedagainstmymouthasmyfingersglanced

overbothofhisnipples,gentlytouchingthesilverringsrunningthroughthem.Iletmy

littlefingerslidethroughtheloopofone.

“Arethesesymbolicaswell?”Iaskedagainsthislips.

“Um…no.”Ethanlookedaway,andthenglancedbackatmethroughhislashes.

TheblushIwasstartingtofallheadoverheelforcameback.“Theyjustfeelgood.”

“Theydo,huh?”Ismiledandtuggedontheringjustalittle,wonderingifhe’dlike

thatthesamewayhelikeditwhenItuggedonhishair.

“Jesus,Ashlyn!”Ethanbreathed.Hereachedupandpulledmyfacebacktohis,

kissingmehard.IguessIwouldhavetotakethatasayes.

Ireleasedtheringfromthetipofmypinkiebeforeloweringbothofmyhandsto

findhisabs.Hisskinwassmoothandwarmunderneathmyfingers.EverytimeIhita

sensitivespot,he’dletoutalittlesoundandpauseinhiskissesforamomentbefore

continuing.

MylegsweregettingalittlesorefromkneelinginfrontofhimonthefloorasI

reacheduptokisshim,soIcrawledintothechairwithhimandloweredmyselfontohis

lap,mykneesoneithersideofhiships.AssoonasIdroppeddownIcouldfeelhim,long

andhardbetweenmylegs.Itwasmyturntogaspintohismouth.

“Sorry,”Ethanmurmuredintomymouth.“Whenyouhadyourhandsonme…

pullingthering…justcouldn’thelpit.”

“Wow.”Forasecond,Icouldn’tbreathe.Ididn’thavealotofexperiencewith

differentmen,buttheyhadallbeenaboutthesamesize.WhatEthanhadbetweenhislegs

wasnowherenearaverage.

“I’m…um…‘well-endowed.’”Hesnickered.

ThereIwas,inapinkbeanbagchairinthepenthouseapartmentwithabillionaire

teenager’serectionbetweenmylegs.I’dletmyhormonesgetthebestofmeasifIwere

theteenagerinsteadofEthan.Ihadn’tthoughtanyofthisthroughatall.

Thiswasinsane.Absolutelyinsane.Myfriendswouldcompletelyfreakoutif

theyknewwhatIwasdoing.Myfatherwouldprobablyendupinthehospitalonanxiety

medsandmaybewritemeoutofthewill.Ethanhadtattoosandhisnippleswerepierced,

fortheloveofallthatisholy.HewassofarremovedfromeveryguyIhadeverdated,he

couldn’tevenbeconsideredinthesamespecies.Hewasacollegedropout,hadbrain

damage,wasmuchtooyoungformeand…and…and…

Myaccounting-centricbrainkickedin,andwithoutadoubt,thenumberswere

againstus.Weweresimplytoodifferent,andIreallydidn’thavetimeforanyofthis.I

shouldhavebeenstudyingforexams,notmakingout.BeingwithEthanhadwaytoo

manyissues,hisbeingateenageratthetopofthelist.

Theconssimplyoutweighedthepros,andIwasawomanofnumbers.Thiswould

neverworkout,andIwasjustdelayingtheinevitablebybeinghere.Ineededtogetout

andgetoutnow.

“I’msorry,”IsaidquicklyasIpushedmyselfoffofhislap.“Ijustcan’tdothis.”

“Ashlyn,whatisit?”

“I’msorry,Ethan,really,”IsaidasIyankedonthepinkConverseandgrabbedmy

purseandovernightbag.Mystomachcrampedandmyheartthumpedinmychest.My

eyesstartedtoburn.“It’sme,notyou.Whateverthatsayingis.Ijustcan’t.”

“Ididn’tmeanto…topressureyouoranything.Ashlyn,pleasedon’tgo.”

IkeptshakingmyheadasEthanprotested.Reachingintomypurse,Ipulledout

thekeycardhehadgivenme.

“Idon’twantthat,”hesaid.

“Ican’tkeepit,”Ireplied.“I’msorryIletthisgoonaslongasIdid,reallyIam.

Ijust…Ijustgotcaughtupinthemoment.Ishouldn’thaveletithappen.You’reagreat

guyandall,butIcan’tdothis.”

Iheldouthisapartmentkey,buthewouldn’ttakeitfromme,soIdroppeditona

sidetableandheadedfortheelevator.Ethanfollowed.

“WhatdidIdowrong?”heasked,butIhadnoanswerforhim.

Theelevatorarrived,andIquicklywentinsideandpushedthebuttonforthe

parkinggarage.IlookedupatadumbfoundedEthanasthedoorsclosedbetweenus.

“I’msorry,”Isaidagainastheelevatordescended.

Chapter12—Time

Itwastherightthingtodo.

TherewasnoworldwhereEthanandIwouldeverworktogether.Ihad

responsibilitiestomyfamilyandtomysocialcircles.Icouldn’trunoffandplaywith

someboyjustbecausehewasattractiveandgavemearide.Onhisbicycle.

“That’sexactlywhyitwouldneverwork.”

Ihadtorepresentthefamilyatmystepmother’sluncheontomorrow,andIhadn’t

evenchosenanoutfit.Ihadtofinishmylastfewweeksofschool.Icouldn’tallow

myselftobedistractedbysomethingasridiculousasakidcoveredintattoosandsporting

aman-bun.Endingitbeforethingswenttoofarwastheonlypolitewaytohandleit.It

wasabsolutely,unequivocallytherightthingtodo.

ThenwhywasIcrying?

Iheardmyphonering.Ihadaprettygoodideawhoitmightbe,soIrefusedto

lookatthescreenasIletmyselfintomyapartmentandheadedforthebedroom.The

phonedingedwithavoicemessage,andIquicklygrabbeditfrommypursetosilenceit.

Inthebathroom,IleanedagainstthecounterforamomentbeforeIwashedthe

tearsfrommyeyesandthemakeupoffmyface.IhadnoideawhyIwassoupset.Two

daysago,Ididn’tevenknowofEthan’sexistence.Icouldhardlybemissinghimnow.

Iwasbeingridiculous.

Myphonebuzzed.Iswallowedhardandwentbacktomybedroomtochangeout

ofmyclothes,ignoringthecontinuedphonenoises.BeforeIdroppedintobed,Iturned

thephoneoffcompletely.

Iwokelatethenextmorning.Withmyphoneturnedoff,therewasnoalarmto

wakemeontime,andIhadtorushtogetreadyformystepmother’sSundayluncheon.

TheoutfitIchosewasoneIhadworntoaluncheonearlierinthespring,andIhopedno

onewouldnoticetherepeatinattire.

Fatchance.

“Hello,mydarling.”VanessagreetedmeinherusualwayasIwalkedintothe

house.“Didn’tyouwearthatdressbackinMarch?”

“Hi,Vanessa.”Isighed.“Yes,Iwasrunningalittlelatetoday.I’vebeenbusy

withschoolandhaven’thadtimeforshopping.”

“Youcouldhaveatleastputyourhairup,”shesaid.Sheclickedhertongue.“You

looklikeyouspentthenightwithaboy,andwedon’twantthosesortsofrumors,dowe?”

“I’mnotachild,Vanessa.Ithinkit’sokayformetodateatthispoint.”

“Lemonadeontheporch,”shesaidasshecrossedherarmsoverherchest.“That’s

howitwasdonewhenIwasagirl.”

Iwasn’tabouttoarguewithherabouthowoutdatedhervaluesonthesubjectof

datingwereinthiscentury.I’dhadallthoseconversationsinhighschool,whichiswhyI

didn’tevenstartdatinguntilIwasincollege.

“Sorryabouttheoutfit,”Isaid,dodgingthedatingcomment.“Ireallywasjusta

bitrushedthismorning.”

“There’salwaystimetolookyourbest,mydarling,”Vanessasaid.Shetwirleda

strandofpearlsbetweentwofingersasshelookedmeupanddown.“Let’smakesurewe

planalittlebetterforthenextone,yes?”

“Ofcourse,”Isaid.“Sorry,Vanessa.”

“Goupstairsandfixyourhair,attheveryleast,”shesaid.“Anddobesureto

watchyourlanguage.Remindyourfriendsaswell.”

Asstepmothersgo,Vanessacouldhavebeenalotworse.Shetreatedmyfather

wellandhadyettocheatonhimlikethelastonedid.Vanessawasmyfather’sthirdwife,

andtheyweremarriedwhenIwasintheeighthgrade.Itwasgoodtohaveanother

womanaroundwhenIwasinmyyoungteens.Myownmotherspentallhertimein

Europeandsimplycouldn’tbebothered.Ifshehappenedtoremember,Iwouldgetacall

onmybirthday.

Vanessadidhavequitethebeefagainstswearinginpublic.Shesimplywouldn’t

standforit,noteverfrommyfather.WhenIwasinhighschool,thefirstfightIever

heardthemhavewasaboutmyfather’suseoflanguageonthetelephone.He’dcursedat

thecablecompany’stechsupport,andVanessahadacompletefitabouthismanners.

PresleyfoundherselfbannedfromSundayluncheonsforafullmonthduetoherpotty

mouth.

Afterpinningmyhairup,IhelpedVanessadirectthecatererstothetablesinthe

backyardandthentiedafewballoonstothechairs.ThisSunday’sthemewasaHawaiian

luau,completewithleisfortheguests,aukuleleplayer,andapigroast.

“I’vebeentryingtocallyouallweekend!”Presleyappearedfromthesideofthe

houseandpokedmeinthearm.

“Sorry,”Isaid.“Myphone’sbeenoff.”

“Whateverfor?”

“Ineededsomepeaceandquiet,”Isaidwithashrug.“Idohavefinals,you

know.”

“Bullshit.”Presleynarrowedhereyesatme.“Youneverturnoffyourphone.

ThelasttimeyouturnedoffyourphonewaswhenyouandIsaacbrokeup.”

IdebatedtellingPresleyaboutEthanbutquicklydismissedtheidea.Muchofthe

problemwithEthanhadtodowithhowmyfriendswouldreact,andthoughIlovedher,

Presleycouldbetheworstofthebunchwhenitcametojudgingothers.Shedefined

everyonebywhotheywererelatedto,whotheyhungoutwith,andwhotheywere

wearing.

“Didn’tyouwearthatdressherebefore?”

Rightoncue.

“Yeah.Vanessaalreadygavemethelecture.”Irolledmyeyesbutwassecretly

gladtheconversationhadmovedawayfrommylackofresponselastnight.“Weshould

havelookedforsomethingwhenwewereshoppingformyinterviewoutfit,butIwasn’t

thinkingthatfarahead.”

“Youneedtogetyourshittogether,”Presleysaid.“Stopfussingaboutexams.

Youalreadyhaveajobyoudon’tneed.”

“Notallofuscaretospendtherestofourlivesonanisland.”

“Allthesaneonesdo.Turnyourdamnphonebackon.”

“Youbetterwatchyourmouth,”IsaidasIpoweredonmyphone,“orIwon’tbe

theonlyonegettingaVanessalecturetoday.”

“Shelovesme.”Presleyflashedherperfectlywhiteteethatme.

“Thatwon’tstopherfromthreateningyouwithabarofsoap.”

“Whenwasthelasttimeyouevensawabarofsoap?”

IshookmyheadandturnedmybacktoPresley.Dadappearedonthelawnand

motionedmeovertohim.Ihadgueststogreetandminglingtodo.

Myphonechirpedrepeatedly,butIturnedittosilentmodeandignoredit.

Afterlunchwasservedandeaten,andIenduredsevencommentsaboutmy

repetitiveoutfit,IescapedthepartyandhidoutinmyoldbedroomwithPresley.

“SpeakingofIsaac,”Presleysaid,“heaskedaboutyouattheclub.”

“Weweren’tspeakingofhim.”

“Wedidearlier.”

“Hardly.”

“Ithinkhe’sstillintoyou.”Presleyleanedbackonmybedandkickedhershoes

off.“Hekeptglancingattheentrancelikehewaswaitingforyoutowalkin.”

“Thatshipsailedalongtimeago.”

“Maybenotforhim.Heneverstoppedlikingyou.DidyouknowIsaacwasready

togobeattheshitoutofColewhenhefoundouthecheatedonyou?Ifyouhadn’t

dumpedthatassholewhenyoudid,Isaacwouldhaveendedupinjailonassaultcharges.”

Icringed.IalwaysknewIsaachatedCole,butIfiguredithadmoretodowithmy

datingsomeoneafterhimthananythingelse.Colewasaclassictall,dark,andhandsome

kindofguywhoworkedoutalot,whereasIsaacnevergrewoutofbeingaskinny,

teenagedboy.

“Thatwouldn’thavehelpedanything,”Isaid.“Isaacwouldn’thavehadachance

againstCole.Hewouldhavebeenbeatentoapulp.”

“Idon’tthinkthatwouldhavestoppedIsaacfromtrying.”

“Idon’tknowwhyyouwereallsomadatColeinthefirstplace,”Isaid.“It’snot

likehedidanythingtotherestofyou.Hewasalwayspolite.Evenmydadlikedhim.”

“Yourdadlikedhisfather’schainofpetfoodstores,”Presleysaid.“Hewasan

up-and-comingbusinessmanwhowasabouttohithisfirstmillion.Yourdadwantedhis

business,andColeonlytreatedyoulikeshitwhenhethoughtnooneelsewaslooking.”

Iknewshewasrightonthatone.

“It’snotlikehebeatmeoranything,”Imuttered.Irubbedmytongueoverthe

tinyscaronmylipasthebitter,briefmemoryflashedthroughmymind.

Ididn’twanttodefendCole.Ithadhappenedsofast,andIthinkhehadbeenas

shockedasI.HeapologizedforitoncehesawthatIwasbleeding.Regardlessofthat

transgression,heconsistentlytreatedmelikeshit,andhewasanasshole.Ifigureditout

beforeitwenttoofar.

“Hejustyelledatmewheneversomethingwentwronginhislife,”Isaid,“asifit

wasmyfaultorsomething.”

“Justbecauseaguydoesn’tlayahandonyoudoesn’tmeanhe’snotabusive.”

“Yeah,Iknow.”ItwasanoldconversationandoneIdidn’twanttohaveagain.

Presleydidn’tknowaboutthetimehehitme.Icaughthimwithanotherwomanandleft

himshortlyafterthat,andthenhemovedoutofstate.IneverevenheardfromhimafterI

toldhimitwasover.“Isn’tIsaacdatingsomeundergradnow?”

“Theywentouttwice,buthewasn’tfeelingit.Sheseemedsweetenough,butshe

hadtoworktoputherselfthroughschool.Notourusualcrowd.”

Iheldbackasmilewhenmydiversionworked,butthenmychesttightenedwhenI

realizeditwasthesametacticEthanusedwhenhedidn’twanttocontinueatopic.His

faceflashedthroughmymind,completewitharadiantsmile.

“Ishethereasonyou’redodgingyourtextmessages?”

“Who?”Iblinkedacoupleoftimes.

“Isaac,youdork.Whoelseareyouthinkingabout?”

“I’mnotdodginganything.”

“Bullshit.”

“There’sthatmouthagain.”

Presleylaughed.

“Areyougirlsdonegossiping?”Vanessaappearedinmydoorway,tappingher

foot.“Ashlyn,mydarling,yourfatherislookingforyou.”

“I’llberightdown.”

IfoundDadonthepatiowithsomeoftheboardmembersIsawonFriday.We

exchangedsomepleasantriesbeforetheyleftmyfatherandmeonourown.

“I’msorry,Ashbaby,”Dadsaid,“butIhavetobailongolftoday.Vanessais

planninganotherbigparty,andsheinsistedIhadtohelpherthisafternoon.”

“Noproblem,Dad.Ireallyhavealottodoanyway.Wecangonextweekend

instead.”

“Great!”

Wehobnobbedwithafewmorecompanypeople,andIbasicallywentthroughthe

motionsuntiltheluncheonended.Ihungaroundjustlongenoughnottoattractattention

andthensaidmygoodbyesandmademyescape.

Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tlikeVanessa’sSundayluncheons—Idid.Theywerea

fabulousexcusetobuyclothesandgetdressedup,meetalotofimportantpeople,andeat

fantasticfood.WhenIwasyounger,Vanessawouldhavemewearlongwhitegloveswith

mydressandcarryatinypurse.Theonlythingsinsideofitwerelipglossandmylibrary

card,butitmademefeelverygrownup.Vanessawoulddoteonmeandtellmehow

fancyIlooked.ShepaidfarmoreattentiontomeonSundaymorningsthanmyown

motherdidinanentireyear.

Today,however,Iwasdistractedandjustreadytogetoutofthere.

“Seeyouafterclasstomorrow!”PresleycalledassheslidintoherBMW.She

wavedasshedroveoff,andIheadedhome.

OnceIwasaloneinmyapartmentagain,Ifinallylookedatmyphone.Therewere

eightunreadtextmessagesandonevoicemail.SixofthetextswerefromPresleythe

nightbefore,demandingtoknowwhyIwasn’tattheclub.OnewasfromZoey,

apologizingfornotbeingabletomaketoday’sluncheonduetoarescheduledhairandnail

appointment,whichwasZoey-codefor“gotlaidlastnight”.

ThelasttextandthevoicemailwerefromEthan.Ilistenedtothevoicemailfirst,

butitsimplysaid,“Whathappened?Pleasecallmeback.”Iclosedmyeyesandtooka

deepbreathbeforecheckinghistext.

Ofcourse,therewasn’tanactualtextmessage.Instead,therewasavideoclip.I

couldseeEthan’sfacetakingupthescreenwiththelittlearrowbuttoninthecentersoI

couldwatchit.

Itookadeepbreath,swallowedhard,andthenpressedplay.

Chapter13—Heartache

IstaredatthescreenasEthanlookedintothecamerawithatight,unnaturalsmile.

“Hi,Ashlyn,”Ethansaid.Hepaused,ranhishandthroughhishair,glaredoffto

thesideforamoment,andthenturnedbacktowardthecamera.“Idon’tknowwhat

happened.Ithoughteverythingwasgoingsowell,butthenyouleft.Ithinkyougot

scared,butIdon’tknowwhatIdidthatscaredyou.Orisitjusttheagething?Idon’t

giveashitaboutthat.It’sjustanumber,right?Whatevertheproblemis,please…please

tellme.IfIjustknow,thenIcantrytofixit.”

MyeyesburnedasIwatchedhispainedimageonthescreen.Whenhespoke

again,hisvoicecrackedalittle.

“Ijustwantedyouaround.Justalittlelonger.Well,no—alotlonger,butI’d

settleforwhateveryou’rewillingtogiveme.ButIwantalot.IknowIwanttospenda

lotoftimewithyou.”

Helookeddown.Iwatchedhischestriseandfallafewtimesashefoundhis

wordsandlookedbackup,speakingquickly.

“IsitbecauseItalkedtoomuch?Itoldyouallkindsofshitaboutme,butIdidn’t

askyoumuchaboutyourself.Iknowwhoyourdadis,butIdidn’taskaboutyourmomor

yourfriendsorwhatkindsofquestionstheyaskedyouinyourinterview.Thatwaskinda

assholishofme.Ishouldhaveaskedaboutyoumore.WhenIgetnervous—andyou’re

soprettyandsophisticatedandsmart,Iwasnervous—Ibabble.IknowIdo;I’vebeen

toldthatbefore.Isthatwhyyouleft?DidIjusttalktoomuch?Ifitis,andyoucome

back,IpromiseIwon’tsayanything.I’llputducttapeovermymouthandjustlistento

whateveryouwanttotellme.Shit.”

Hestoppedtalking,lookedawayagain,andranbothhandsthroughhishair,

tuggingattherootsasheleanedforwardalittle.

“Thatsoundedsoweirdandcreepy.I’mevenfuckinguptheapology.”Hetook

anotherdeepbreath.“Idon’twanttoseemanymorecreepythanIprobablyalreadydo.

Please,pleasecallmeback.Iwaslookingforwardtohearingyoureadmoreofthatbook.

Ifyoudon’twanttoreadanymore,that’sokay,too.Ijustneedtoknow…justtellmehow

IfuckedupsoIwon’tdoitagain.Ifyoudecideyoudon’twantto…well,Iwon’tlikeit,

butI’llrespectit.IfIdon’thearfromyou,IguessIknowtheanswer.Iwon’tbugyou

againoranything.”

Helickedhislipsandthenlookedstraightintothecamera.

“Ihopeyou’llcallback.Ireallylikeyou,Ashlyn,andImissyoualready.”

Isniffedandclearedmydrythroat.

Foramoment,itwasn’tEthanwhoinvadedmythoughtsbutColeandthelast

conversationIeverhadwithhim.

“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout,Ash?”

“YouheardwhatIsaid,”Irepliedinaquietvoice.Ihadn’tbeenabletomeethis

eyes.“I’mmovingbackinwithPresley.Thisjustisn’tworkingoutbetweenus.”

“Youknow,Ineverwouldhavefuckedherifyouhadactuallyspentsometimehere

insteadofinyourfuckingstudygroups.Idon’tknowwhyyouevenbother.Daddy’s

alreadygotyourjoblinedupforyou.Oncewe’remarried,youcanhaveteapartiesand

bustoutchildrenforfuck’ssake.Youdon’tneedadamngraduatedegree.”

Iwantedtoscreamathim.Hewastheonewhowascaughtcheatingonme,not

theotherwayaround.Iwantedtotellhimhowwronghewasandwhatajerkhewas,but

thewordsrefusedtoforminmymouth.AnythingIsaidwouldhavebeenpointless

anyway.Itwouldchangenothing.

“I’mleaving,Cole.”

“You’llbeback.”

EthanwasaboutasdifferentfromColeasanyhumanbeingcouldpossiblybe.He

wassweetandkind.Hesetouttowelsformeandmademebreakfast.Hediscussed

booksandmovieswithme,butitwasallrightwhenwedisagreed.Heneveroncecalled

myopinionsstupidorjustplainwrong,whichwasmoreCole’sstyle.Walkingoutonhim

wasmyfault—hehaddonenothingwrong—buthedidn’tyellatme.Instead,heactually

videotapedanapologyeventhoughthewholethingwasmyfault.

“Whodoesthatkindofthing,anyway?”

TheconversationIhadwithPresleyaboutIsaacandColecamebacktome.I

consideredmyreasonsforendingthoserelationships.

Isaachadbeenadifficultdecision,notbecauseIwasn’tsureitshouldend,but

becauseIknewitwasgoingtohurthisfeelings.Hecamefromadecent,uppermiddle

classfamily,whichwasjustbarelyokayinmyfather’seyes,buthehadalotofambition.

I’dknownhimmostofmylife,andhewascomfortable.Theproblemwas,thatwasall

therewastoourrelationship.Hewassafeand…boring.Ineverlovedhim,andwhenI

realizedhowmuchinlovewithmehewas,Ihadtobreakitoffbeforeitwentanyfurther.

Wehadremainedfriends,butIoftenfeltjustatwingeoftensionbetweenus.

ColehadbeenthecompleteoppositeofIsaac.Myfatherwasthrilledwhenwe

begantodate.Cole’sfamilywasaprominentnameinlocalsociety,andtheypromisedto

expandtheirbusinessesandultimatelymakemyfather’scompanymoremoney.Colewas

excitingandjustalittledangerous.Herodeamotorcycleandlikedtogodeep-seafishing

andskydiving.Hewasattractive,protective,andinsanelyjealousofanyoneelsearound

me.Justbeingaroundhimhadbeenthrilling,inthebeginningatleast.Whenhistemper

tantrumsbegantobedirectedatme,theshineworeoff.Thefirsttimehewentoffonme

inpublic,myfriendsbegantoencouragemetogetawayfromhim,butIdidn’tlisten,not

foralongtime.Eventually,itwasalltoomuch.ThenightIleft,therewasamoment

whenIbelievedhewasgoingtopunchme.

PresleyreferredtoColeasmy“badboyphase”andclaimedweallhadtogo

throughit.WhenDadheardaboutmybreakup,hetriedtoconvincemetoreconsider.I

nevertoldhimaboutCole’sangerissues,andDadcontinuedtopushtheissueuntilCole

lefttown.

EthanwascompletelydifferentfrombothIsaacandCole.

Itookadeepbreathandwatchedthevideomessageagain.Myheartachedat

Ethan’spainedexpressionandheartfeltwords.I’dhurthim.Notonlythat,butI’dalso

hurtmyself.

Why?

Tattoos,bicycle,andage.Suddenly,allofmyreasonsforleavingsoundedstupid

andvain.Itallcamedowntohowmyfamilyandfriendswouldreacttohim.

Myphonerangjustasthevideowasending,andforamoment,myheartstopped,

sureitwasEthancallingagain.Itwasn’t.ItwasonlyPresley.

“Youneedadrink,”shesaidwithoutahello.

“Ido.”

“Yep.I’mjustoutsideourbuilding.Let’sgo.”

Isighed.Escapewasimpossible,soIgrabbedmypurseandmetherdownstairs.

“Youaredistracted,”Presleysaid.“What’sgoingon?”

“Justfinalsandshit.”IlookedoutthewindowofPresley’sBMW,avoidingeye

contact.Itdidn’twork.

“Youareaterribleliar,”shesaid.“Whyareyoubeingsecretive?Isitaguy?”

“Youalwaysthinkit’saguy,”Isaid.“WhenIhaveacold,it’saguy.Whenthe

moonisfull,it’saguy.WhenI’mPMSing,it’saguy.WhenIbombatest,it’saguy—”

“You’veneverbombedatest.Howaboutwhenyoumakeupshitaboutbombing

tests,it’saguy?”

Ilaughed.

“Maybeyouaretheonewhometaguy,andyou’retryingtodivertattentionfrom

yourselfinordertoavoidaninquisition.Whoishe,Presley?Isheavagrantwanderer

youmetbythetraintracks?Ormaybearockstar?”

“Youareridiculous!”PresleylaughedasshepulledhercaruptotheClubMania

valet.

Atleastshedroppedthesubject.

“Margaritas,”Presleysaidtothebartenderaswesatdown,“ontherockswithsalt.

UsetheDonJulio.”

“Yougotit.”Thebartenderflashedatoothysmileashestartedmixingthedrinks.

“Youbettergetmeone,too!”Zoeygrabbedthebarstoolbesideme,yankeditback

afoot,andploppedherselfdown,hittingthesideofmyfacewithherlong,highlighted

curls.“Thiswasonehellofaweekend!”

Shewasdressedinashort,redcocktaildressandcoveredingoldjewelryfrom

Tiffany’s.Zoeywasatrustfundbabyandhadn’tevenbotheredwithgoingfurtherthan

herbachelor’sdegreeinhumanresources.Shehadnointentionofworkingrightaway

andcontinuedtoleadthecollegiatelifewithouttheactualclasses.

“Wherehaveyoubeen?”Presleyasked.“YoudisappearedFridaynight,andI

neverheardfromyouagain.”

“Well,”Zoeysaidasshewaveddownthebartender,“that’sbecauseIdidn’tleave

thatguy’shotelroomuntilthismorning.”

IshookmyheadasZoeyorderedavodkatonicandleanedbackonthestool,

smilingbroadly.

“Whichone?”Presleyasked.“Therewasthatdark-hairedguywiththeintense

eyesandtheblondoneinthesuitjacket.Whichonedidyougohomewith?”

“Well,that’stheinterestingbit,”Zoeysaid.

Thebartenderplacedourdrinksinfrontofus,andIlickedthesaltfromtheedge

oftheglassbeforetakingaquickdrink.Zoeywatchedhisbacksideuntilhewasoutof

earshotandthenturnedbacktoPresleyandme.

“Bucketlistitemchecked!”Zoeyheldherdrinkhighintheairbeforetakinga

sip.“Twoguysatonce!”

“Youarenotright,”Presleysaid.

“WhatIam,”Zoeysaid,“isawell-adjustedwomanwhoisn’tafraidtoexpress

herselfsexually.”

PresleydemandeddetailsofZoey’sweekendencounter,andIzonedoutasEthan’s

videomessageplayedthroughmymemory.ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoremy

heartsank.Ipushedmydrinkalittlewaysawayfrommeandcheckedmyphone,but

thereweren’tanymoremessagesfromEthan.

“…thentheyswitchedoff,andtheblondguy—”

“Ican’thearanymoreofthis,”Isaidwithachuckle.Ipushedmystoolback.

“I’mgoingtotheladies’room.Zoey,bedonebeforeIgetout.”

PresleyandZoeybothlaughedasIwalkedaway.

Inthebathroom,IcheckedthestallstomakesureIwasalonebeforeIwatched

Ethan’svideoagain.Whenitwasover,Istaredatmyfaceinthemirrorforamoment.I

consideredcallinghim,butifIweretostayinheretoolong,Presleywouldcomelooking

formeassoonasZoeyfinishedherstory.

Shovingthephonebackinmypurse,Iwashedmyhandsandheadedbacktothe

bar.

“Whatareyougoingtodoifyourdaddyeverfindsoutaboutyourexploits?”

PresleyaskedZoey.

“Confess?”Zoeyshruggedandtookadrinkofhervodka.“I’mnotashamedof

it.Idoubthe’dreallywanttoknowthedetails,andheshouldn’treallycareuntilI

actuallyfindsomeoneIwanttobringtoholidaydinners.Idon’tseethathappeningany

timesoon.”

MymindconjuredupafantasyofEthansittingatmyfather’stableonChristmas

Eve,twiddlingtheringsinhislipasDadcarvedtheham.Thescenewastooridiculousto

consider,soinstead,IthoughtofjustEthanandmeinhisapartmentinfrontofagrand

ChristmastreeonChristmasmorning.IsawEthansmileasheturnedoverasmall,

wrappedboxbeforeleaningoverandkissingmycheek.

Theimagewasacomfortableone.Itfeltsafe,secure,andright.Inmyheart,I

knewhewouldbegratefulevenifhehatedthegiftitself.Hewouldprobablyeventellme

hehatedit,andthenwouldlaugh,kissme,andtellmehowgladhewasthatIwasthere

withhim.

Yes,hehadtattoos.Hehadpiercings.Hehad—forheaven’ssake—brain

damage.Myfatherwouldlovehismoneyandfamilynamebutwouldnevergetpasthis

appearance.Myfriendswouldthinkhewashotbutnevergetpasttheagedifference.

Andnoneofthatshitmattered,becauseitwasEthan.

“Whatareyousmilingabout?”Presleyasked.Shenarrowedhereyesatme.

“Ihavetogo,”Isaid.Istoodup,grabbedmypurse,andheadedtowardthedoor.

“I’myourride!”Presleycalledout,remindingme.

“I’llgetacab!”Icalledback.“Ioweyouforthedrink!”

Iflaggeddownanearbytaxitotakemebacktomyplace,jumpedintomyown

car,andheadedstraightforEthan’sapartment.

Chapter14—Escalate

Ihadn’treallythoughtthisthrough.

WithoutEthan’skeycard,Icouldn’tentertheparkinggarage.Idrovearoundthe

blockacoupleoftimes,tryingtodecidewhatIshoulddo.

“Ishouldhavecalledfirst,obviously,”Imutteredtomyself.

Ididn’tevenknowifEthanwouldbeathispenthouseapartment.He’dtoldmehe

didn’tspendmuchtimethere.Ifhewashome,Ihadnowayofknowingifhewouldbe

alone,consideringhehadJoshFrazierlivingthereatleastpartofthetime.He’dbeen

upset,andhecouldhavedecidedtojoinhisfriendsintheslumstohelpcheerhimup.

Whatwouldhetellthemaboutme?

Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthateither.

Whatif,atthispoint,hewasangrywithmeanddidn’twantmetocomeback?I

hadn’trespondedtohimlastnightoralldaytoday.He’dhadplentyoftimetogorescue

someothergirlinheelswhoneededaride.

No,Ethanwasn’tlikethat.JustbecauseI’dbeenburnedbyColedidn’tmean

Ethanwoulddothesamething.EthanwasnothinglikeCole.

IsloweddowninfrontoftheMarquisApartmentcomplex,wonderingiftheyhad

avaletavailable.Mybuildingdidn’t,butthisplacejustmight.Therewasn’tanykindof

valetstandthatIcouldseethoughIdidnoticeadoormannexttotheentrance,speaking

witharesident.Irolleddownthewindowtocallouttohimwhensomeoneelseappeared

bythedriver’ssidewindow.

“Ashlyn,right?”JoshFrazierleanedoverandsmiledashelookedinatme.

“Um,yes,that’sright,”Isaid,stammeringabit.“Goodtoseeyouagain,Josh.”

“AreyouheretoseeEthan?”

“Well,yes,butIwasn’tsurewhereIshouldpark.”

“I’vegotthekey,”Joshsaid.“Ifyouwant,Icantakeyourcartothegarage,and

youcanjustgointhefrontdoor.Ifyouaren’tcomfortablewiththat,Icouldwalkaround

tothegarageentranceandhaveHenryletyouin.Shouldn’tbeaproblem.”

“Whydon’tyoujustridewithme?”

“Thatworks,too.”

Joshranaroundtotherightsideofthecarandsettledintothepassengerseat.I

checkedfortrafficbeforepullingawayfromthecurbandheadingbackaroundtothe

entranceoftheparkinggarage.

“Ithoughtyoumightstillbethere,”Joshsaidwithagrin.“Ethanhasn’tbeen

answeringhisphone.”

“Iwasforawhile,”Isaid.“Ileftlastnight.”

Joshglancedatme,eyesnarrowed.

“Ithinkit’smyfaultEthan’snotansweringyourcalls.”Itookalongbreath.“I

leftalittle…abruptly.”

“Oh.”Joshfidgetedintheseat.

Ipulleduptothegate.Henrypeeredintothecar,andJoshgreetedhim.

“Welcomeback!”Henrysaidashewavedusthrough.“Icantakeitfromhere.”

Henrydroveoffwithmycar,andJoshwalkedmeuptotheelevator.

“Ihavethefeelingyoutwoneedtotalk,”Joshsaid.“I’mjustgoingtogetthe

elevatorgoingandleaveyoutoit,ifthat’sokay.”

“Yes,that’sfine.”Ididn’tknowwhatelsetosay.Joshseemedtohaveapretty

goodideaofwhatwasgoingon,andIdidn’tcaretoelaborate.HewishedmeluckasI

enteredtheelevator,andheusedhiskeycardtoaccessthepenthousefloor.

Astheelevatorstarteditsquickascent,Ibegantopanic.WhatwasIgoingtosay

tohim?WhatexcusecouldIpossiblyhaveforrunningoutonhimlikeIdidwithno

explanationatall?WhatwasIgoingtodoifhetoldmetojustleaveandthathenever

wantedtoseemeagain?

“Hewon’tdothat,”Iwhisperedquietly.“Hewantstotalktome.”

Theelevatordooropened,andIsteppedintotheentrywaythatledtoEthan’s

apartmentdoor.Iimaginedhimopeningthedoor,smilingatme,andsayingeverything

wasfine.Ialsoimaginedhimslammingthedoorinmyface.

Withshakinghands,Iwalkeduptothedoorandletmyfingerhoveroverthe

doorbell.Icouldturnaroundandrunaway,pretendingIhadnevermetEthaninthefirst

place.IfIescapednow,Iwouldn’thavetocometotermswithwhyIleftinthefirstplace

ortrytoexplainittoEthan.Iwouldneverhavetorisktellingmyfatherabouthimor

justifywhyIwasdatingsomeonesoyoung.

IfIdidthat—ifIranawayrightthissecondandneversteppedfootinthisplace

again—Iwouldneveragainseethatbeautifulsmiledirectedatme.

Irangthebell.

Afterafewmoments,thedooropened,andadisheveledEthanpeeredatme.His

eyesweredullandred-rimmed.HewasstillwearingthesameT-shirthehadontheday

before,andhisfacewascompletelydevoidofhisglorioussmile.

Myalreadytensemusclesclampeddowninmybody.NowthatIwashere,

standinginfrontofhim,IhadnoideawhatIwassupposedtosay.Mymouthandthroat

feltdry,andmypalmswereclammy.

IwantedtotakehiminmyarmsandtellhimhowwrongIwasandthateverything

wasgoingtobeallright,butIcouldn’tmakemyselfmove,andmytonguecouldn’t

produceanywords.

Ethan’seyeswidenedashestaredatme.Hereachedforwardwithhislefthand

andatthesametimetookastepbackwardwithhisrightfoot.Heblinkedafewtimes,and

thesilencecontinuedforwhatfeltlikehours.

“Didyougetmymessage?”Ethanfinallyasked.

“Yes.”

“Youdidn’tanswerme.”

“Ididn’tknowwhattosay.”Ifeltmyfaceheatup,butIcouldn’ttearmyeyes

awayfromhisstare.

“Butyoucameback,”hesaid.“AreyouheretotellmewhatIdidwrong?”

“Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong,”Isaid.

“Thenwhyareyouhere?”

“Toapologize?”Ididn’tmeanformywordstosoundlikeaquestion,buttheydid.

Ethangrittedhisteethandlookedawayfromme.Hetookanotherstepbackand

leanedagainstthewallbehindthedoor,hishandsbehindhisback,andstaredatthefloor.

“Idon’tknowifI’mexcitedtohaveyoubackhereorjustscaredshitlessyou’re

goingtoleaveagain,”hesaidwithoutlookingup.

“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Idon’treallyknowwhatcameoverme.”

“Areyougoingtostay?”Hisvoicewassoquiet,Icouldbarelyhearthewords.

“Ifyou’llletme,”Isaid,almostasquietly.“I’dreallyliketo.”

Helookedupatme,hisexpressionhopefulbutcautious.

“Whydidyougo?”heasked.“Youleftsofast,andIdidn’tknowwhattothink.”

“I’manidiot,”Isaid.“Ithinkthat’sthebestexplanationIhave.”

“Youaren’tanidiot.”

“SometimesIam.”

“DidIscareyou?”Hisvoicecrackedonthelastsyllable,andheclearedhis

throat.“Iwasn’ttryingto.”

“IthinkIscaredmyself.”

“Willyoutellmewhyyouleft?”

“I’lltry.Idon’tthinkI’masgoodatexplainingmyselfasyouarethough.”

Hischestroseashetookinadeepbreathandletitoutinalongstream.He

noddedacoupleoftimesbeforepushinghimselfoffthewallandtentativelyreaching

behindmetoshutthedoor.Henoddedtowardthepileofshoesonthefloor,andIslipped

offmypumps.IsetmypursedownnexttothemandturnedtofindEthanwrappinghis

armsaroundmyshoulders.

HequietlyheldmetohischestasIencircledhiswaist.

“You’rereallystaying?”heaskedagain.

Inodded,afraidofopeningmymouthandsayingsomethingstupid.

Ethanreachedouttowardme,andIgraspedhisfingerswithmine.Hewalked

slowly,leadingmebacktothepinkbeanbagchairs.Hesatdownfirst,andIsettled

myselfonhislap.Ilaymyheadonhisshoulder,andhewrappedhisarmsaroundme.

“Youfeelsogoodhere,”hesaid,squeezingmetighter.

Iclosedmyeyesforamoment,breathinginthescentofhisAxebodywashand

listeningtohisheartbeat.

“I’msogladyoucameback,”hesaidsoftly.

“SoamI.”Iliftedmyheadandleanedintokisshimsoftly.

Kissingsoftlydidn’tlastlong.Ethangraspedthesideofmyhead,holdingmylips

tightlyagainsthisashistongueexploredmymouth.AshiverwentthroughmeasIfelt

hiscockpressingagainstmyhip.Igaspedandpulledaway,andhisdarkgazemetmine.

IlickedmylipsasIlookedathisface.Mythighsclenchedashestaredintomy

eyes,andIknewIwantedhim—righthereandrightnow.Iraisedmyselfupenoughto

tossonelegoverhimsoIcouldstraddlehislapbeforebringingmymouthbacktohis.

Iopenedmyeyestohisandbackedawayfromhislips.Hewaslookingbackat

mewiththatshyhalfsmileandsparkling,brighteyes.Histonguedartedoutandtouched

theringsinhislip,andhischeekswarmedwithblood.Whilestilllookingathim,I

groundmyselfagainsthimandwatchedhiseyesgetwideandhismouthdropopen.He

swallowedhardandthengrabbedmyhips,holdingmestill.

“Shit,Ashlyn…”

Irockedforwardagain,stilllookingintohiseyesashishandsgrippedmyhipsa

littleharderinanattempttokeepmefrommoving.Ididn’twanttostop,though.Ithad

beenquitesometime.Thesensationwasentirelytoogood,anddamnifhedidn’tfeel

prettywell-endowedaswell.IwantedtoknowforsureifIwasrightaboutthat.Ileaned

overhischestandputmylipsupclosetohisear.

“Youdon’thavetoapologizeforthis,”Isaidsoftlywhilerotatingmyhipsalittle.

“Itfeelsprettygood,ifyouaskme.”

Ethanpushedhardonmyhips,effectivelyslidingmebacktothemiddleofhis

thighssoIwasn’tpushingdownagainsthiserectionanylonger.Itriedtolookathim

innocentlythroughmyeyelashes,butIknewIwasn’tabletopullitoff.Hiseyesbecame

wideanddarkashelookedatme.

Whilehiseyeswerestilllockedonmine,Ireacheddown,pasthisabsandgrazed

myfingersoverhislength.Makethathisconsiderablelength.Holyshit,ifhewasn’t

packingsomeseriousheatinthere.WhileIwasdistractedbymydiscovery,Ibarely

heardEthangaspbeforeIfeltmyselftwirlingandfalling.Ididn’tevenrealizewhathad

happeneduntilIwasonmybacknexttothebeanbagchairwithEthanontopofme.

Ethan’seyeswereintenseanddark,staringdownatmefromwherehesuspended

himselfbyhisarmswithhishandsplacedoneithersideofmyhead.

“Youstillhaven’ttoldmewhyyouleft,”Ethansaid,hisvoicesoundinghoarse.

“CanIexplainlater?”

“Yeah.”Ethannoddedquickly.“Laterisgood.”

Iwatchedhisthroatbobasheswallowedbeforeleaningoverandrunninghis

tongueovermypartedlips.Hemovedovermychinanddownmyneck,leavingacool

trailtotellmewherehehadbeen.Heshiftedslightly,andoneofhishandsranalongthe

outsideofmyarmtomyshoulder.Hisfingersstartedtostrokedownwards,butthenhe

stoppedandlookedupatme.Hiseyesglanceddown,andthenbackupagain—hesitant

andalittlewary.

Hewasblushingagainandseemedsounsure;IdecidedifIwantedtogetbetter

acquaintedwithjusthowwell-endowedEthanmaybe,Iwasgoingtohavetomakea

move.OnethingIknewforcertain—Iwantedtofindoutjustabitmoreabouthim.

Maybealotmore.Idecidedsubtletywasnotinmybestinterest,soIreacheddownand

pulledmyshirtupandovermyhead.

Ethan’seyeswentwideforamomentandthennarrowedashetiltedhisheadand

focusedlower.IwasincrediblygladIhaddecidedonthematchingbluebraandpanties

sinceitwasobviouslysomethingheseemedtoappreciate.Hisfingersfinallymadetheir

waydown,tracingovertheedgeofthelacedfabric.

“IfeellikeIoughttojustdroptomykneesandworshipthem,”Ethanblurtedout

andthenturnedjustoneshadelighterthanthebeanbagchair.“Youareamazing,Ashlyn.

Allofyou.Idon’t…shit…Iwant…”

Hestoppedandswallowedhardagain.

“Whatisit,Ethan?”

“I’dreallyliketotakeyoutobednow,”Ethansaidsoftly.Hiseyeswerestilldark,

andhisstaretoointense.Ihadtolookawayforamoment,andIheardhimswearunder

hisbreath.“Wedon’thavetoifit’stoosoon…Ijustthought…”

“Yes,please,”Isaidquickly,realizingmylackofeyecontacthadgivenhimthe

entirelywrongimpression.Ilookedbackupathimandtookadeepbreath.“Carpe

diem.”

Ethan’seyeslitupandhissmilewasrightbehind.Hepushedhimselfupontohis

kneesandpulledmewithhimuntilwewerestanding.Heplacedhishandsoneitherside

ofmyface,kissedmeonce,andthenscoopedmeupinhisarmsandliterallyrandownthe

hallwaytothebedroomwhilehislipstriedtofindnewplacestoexploreonmyneck.He

pausedwhenhereachedthesideofthebedwherewehadsleptthenightbeforeandgazed

downonmeapprehensively.Heslowlyloweredmetomyfeetandstoodmenexttothe

bedbeforetakingmyfaceinhishandsandkissingmebriefly.

“Thisismovingprettyfast,”hesaidsoftly.“I’mhavingalittletroublepracticing

myownmotto,andIwanttomakesureyoureallywantthis.Ifeellikeweshouldtalk

aboutlastnightfirst,butIdon’twanttoruinallthiseither.”

“Idon’twanttostop.”

“Idon’tusually…Imean,whatIsaidyesterdayabouthowlongithasbeen…I

mean…shit.”

“It’sokay,Ethan,”Itoldhim.“Youdon’thavetotellmeaboutthat.”

“Idon’twantyoutothinkIdothisallthetime,”hesaidquietly,hisgaze

softening.“I’mnotamanwhore,andI’veneversleptwithagirlIonlymettwodaysago.

Ireallywanttobewithyouthough.Ireally,reallydo.”

“Iwanttobewithyoutoo,”Isaid.

“Really?”

“Yes,really.”

“Eventhough…eventhoughyouleftbefore?”Panicflashedoverhisface.

“Ido,Ethan,”Isaid,scaringmyselfalittlewhenIrealizedhowmuchImeantit.

“Igotscaredandscreweduplastnight.Inevershouldhaveleft.I’mnotinthehabitof

sleepingwithmenIjustmeteither.Idon’tknowwhyit’sdifferentwithyou…”

Becauseit’sEthan.

Andthatmadeallthedifference,becausehewasdifferent.Icouldtellhimno,

thatweshouldwait,butIwasstillgoingtowanthimthenextnightandthenext—aweek

fromnow,amonthfromnow,ayearfromnow—Iwasstillgoingtowanthim.Waiting

wasn’tgoingtochangeanything.Itwastimetoseizetheday.

“It’sbecauseit’syou,”webothsaidatthesametime.Ilookedupathim,shocked

wehadbothutteredthesamewords.Ethan’sthumbstrokedmybottomlip,andhiseyes

heldunderstanding.

“Iwantyou,”hewhispered.Hemovedhislipstothespotrightbelowmyear,and

Igroanedashesuckedattheskinthereandheldmeclosetohim.“IwantedyouthedayI

metyou.Iwantedyoulastnight,andIspentalldaythinkingI’dneverhavethechance.I

wantyounow,Ashlyn.”

Itrailedmyfingersuphisbarebackandfelthimshiveragainstme.Ethanranhis

handfrommywaistuptomyshoulderandthenbackdownagain,pausinginthemiddle

todeftlyunhookmybra.Iloweredmyarmsandletitfalltothefloor.

Chapter15—Fascination

Oncemybrawasoutoftheway,IplacedmyhandflatagainstEthan’sstomach,

ranmyfingersoverthetightmusclesthere,andthenreachedforthetopbuttonofhis

jeansasEthankissedmeagain.Hebrieflyremovedhislipsfrommineandwatchedmy

fingersreleaseinturneachofthebuttonsofthefly.Ihookedmythumbsinthewaistband

nearhishipsandpushedthejeansdown.Ibarelypausedbeforedoingthesamewiththe

blackboxer-briefsunderneath.Ijustwantedtoseehim.

Iwasdefinitelynotdisappointed.

Hewasundoubtedlybig.Notinsanelyhugeoranythingbutcertainlybiggerthan

average.IneverthoughtI’dusethewordbeautifultodescribeapenis,buthiswas.It

waslongandhard,andwhenIfeltthesoftnessoftheskinwrappedarounditandsawthe

glisteninghead,Icouldn’thelpbutrunmyhandupanddownhislength,mythumb

wrappingaroundthetipandspreadingthemoistureIfoundbackdowntheshaft.

“Ifyoukeepdoingthat,”Ethansaidthroughclenchedteeth,“I’mgoingtocomein

yourhand.Idon’treallywanttodothatjustyet.”

“Hmm…”Ismiledslylyupathim.“Maybelater.”

“Youaregoingtotakemeovertheedge,aren’tyou?”Ethanmurmured.Hemade

quickworkofmybuttonsandmanagedtohookbothmyjeansandpantiesatthesame

time,drawingthemslowlydownmylegstothefloor.Isteppedoutofthem,andhe

walkedtowardsme,pushingmebackwardsuntilthebacksofmykneeshittheedgeofthe

bed.Ilayback,andhecrawledoverme,seekingmymouthwithhis.

Ethankissedovermychin,downmyneck,andbetweenthevalleyofmybreasts.

Heglancedupatmeandsmiledagainbeforetiltinghisheadtoonesideandrollingoneof

mynipplesaroundwithhistongue.Imoanedandarchedmybackashetookitfullyinto

hismouthandsuckedandlickedatmynipple.Hereachedfortheotheroneandrolledit

betweentwofingersforaminute,thenswitchedandsuckedonthatnippleaswell.Ifelt

hishandrunovermybreast,thendroploweracrossmystomach.

Mythighstensed,andItriedtokeepmyhipsfrombuckingashemovedsouth,

runninghisfingersbelowmybellybuttonandthenaroundtotheside,nottouchingme

whereIwantedhim.Imoanedagainbutthistimeinprotest.Ethanchuckledandtraced

smallcirclesonmyinnerthighbeforehemovedbackupagain.

Heslidhisfingersdownbetweenmylegs,runningalongtheoutsideofmylabia

andthenfindingentrancetothefoldsoffleshcoveringmycore.Heteasedmewiththe

tipofhisfingerovermyentrance,gatheringthemoisturethereandslidingitupwards,

aroundmyclitoris.

“Ethan…oh,yes…”

“Youlikethat?”hewhisperedwithhislipsstillhoveringovermynipple.He

dippeddownbetweenmylegs,thentothetoponcemore,circlingthatmostsensitivespot

againbeforehemovedbackdown.“You’resowet,Ashlyn.Areyouwetforme?”

“Yes…please…”

“Didyougetwetjustthinkingaboutmycock?”heasked,andIinhaledsharply.

“Didyouknowhowhardyouweremakingmeoutthere?Runningyourhandsovermy

tats?Didyouknowwhatyouweredoingtome?AllIcouldthinkaboutwasgetting

insideofyou.Isthatwhatyouwanted?DidyouwantmesohardIcouldn’tthink

straight?”

Imadesomesortofincoherentsound.Icouldn’tfindanyintelligiblewords.I

wasn’texpectingEthantobesuchadirtytalker,andhiswordswereaffectingmealmost

asmuchashistouch.

“Well,itfuckingworked;Icantellyouthat.”

AchillracedupmytorsoasEthanpulledhishandawayandrolledovertothe

othersideofthebed.Iwhimperedforamomentandthenheardadraweropenandthe

tearingofcardboardpackaging.Ethanrolledbackwithacondominhishand,tearingthe

foilwrapperwithhisteethashecollidedwithmyside.Igiggled,andheblushed.

“Didyoubuythosetoday?”Iasked.

“Um,I,uh,Ididn’tthink….Imean…shit!Thereisnowayformetoanswerthat

questionwithoutgettingintotrouble,isthere?”

“Probablynot.”Ichuckledandshookmyhead.Icouldn’tstopmyselffrom

smiling.

“Youjustsaidthattogetareactionoutofme,didn’tyou?”heasked.Hiseyes

narrowedalittle,andIbitdownonmylip,shruggingmyshoulders.

Ethanlookedintomyeyesandplacedhislipssoftlyagainstmine,.Thenthat

particularsmilethatwasalwaysthreateningtomakemewetappeared—asifIneededthe

helpnow.Thenhewinked…actuallywinkedatmeashereacheddownandstroked

himselfslowlyfrombasetotipandbackagainbeforeunrollingthecondomoverhis

length.Withalighttouch,heranhishanduptheinsideofmythigh,andhisfingers

tracedaroundmyentrancebeforeslowlyguidinghistiptome.

“You’resure,aren’tyou?”hesaidwhilehiseyesbeggedmenottomakehimstop.

InoddedquicklybecausetherewasnothingIwantedmore.Iliftedmylegandwrappedit

aroundhiship,givinghimabetterangle.

Hesankintome…so…so…slowly,hiseyesneverstrayingfrommine.Ifelt

myselfstretchtolethiminside,mybodymovingintandemwithhisuntiltheunion

mirroredperfection.Itfeltlikeforeverbeforehewascompletelyinsideofme—andit

wasthebestforeverIhadeverfeltinmylife.

Itwasn’tbecausehewasbig,thoughthatwasalsoquitenice.Itwasn’tbecauseof

hisslowpenetrationandintensestare.Itwasn’tevenbecauseofhowinsanelybeautiful

hewas,hoveringovermeandlookingdownatmelikehejustmighthavemefordessert.

ItwasjustbecauseitwasEthan.

Heshiftedhishipsbackalmostasslowlyandthenhepushedforwardagain.I

lookeddown,watchingtheplacewhereourbodiesmetasheslowlyimpaledmeoverand

overagain.

“Oh…mmm…Ethan…myGod…”Iheardavarietyofmumbledcursesand

prayerscomeoutofmymouthashethoroughlymademecompletelyandtotallyhis.

“Youaresofuckinghot.”Ethanbreathedwarmairintomyear.“EverytimeIlook

atyou…andyou’relookingdownwhereyoucanseemeenteryou…sofuckinghot.Do

youlikewatching?”

“Yes…oh,God…Ethan…”Igroanedandbuckedupagainsthim,meetingeachof

hisslow,purposefulthrustsandwatchinghisconsiderablelengthmoveinandoutofme.

“Sogood…”

“Icouldcomejustwatchingyou,”hesaid.Hepulledoutofmeslowlyuntilthetip

ofhiscockwasjustbarelyinsidemyentranceandthenslowlypushedbackintomeuntil

hefilledmecompletely.“Sofuckinghot.”

“Iwantyouontop.”Hemoanedintomyear.“Iwanttoseeyouontop,slidingup

anddownmycock.Iwanttowatchyoufuckingme.”

“Yes,”Isaid.Ifeltmybreathingincrease,andIcouldhearmyheartpoundingin

myears.“Please.”

“Mmm…”Ethan’stonguetracedovertheedgeofmyear,thendownmythroat.

“Ilikethat.Saypleaseagain.”

“Please…Ethan.”

“Pleasewhat?”

“Please…Iwanttofuckyou…”Igrabbedhischinandturnedhisheadtofaceme.

Icrushedmylipstohisandbuckedupagainsthim.“Iwanttorideyou.”

“Sofuckinghot…”

Ourbodiesrolledtogether,Ethanholdingtighttomyhipsandpushinghard

againstmetomakesurehedidn’tslipout.Isatup,straddledhishipswithhimstilldeep

inside,andlookeddownintohiseyesashelookedbackupatme.Hiseyessparkled,and

hisbreathcameoutofhisslightlypartedlipsinshortpants.Hetrailedhisfingertipsup

mysides,ticklingalittlebeforetheymovedaroundtothefrontandcuppedmybreasts.

Herolledhisthumbsincirclesaroundmynipples,sendingastreakofelectricitytomy

clit.

Ileanedbackabitmore,feelingthepressurebuildinginsideofmeastheangle

changedandEthan’seyessqueezedshut.Icouldn’thelpbutsmiledownathim—hiseyes

clenched,hisjawset,andhischestmovingrapidlywithhisbreaths.Ireacheddownand

placedmypalmsagainsthischest,runningmyfingersoverhisnipplerings.Ethan

groanedinresponse,andIfelthishandsneakbetweenus,reachingformyclit.Iusedthe

leveragetoraisemyselfupuntilonlythetipwasstillinsideofme,thenslowlylowered

myselfbackdownuntilhewasagainburiedtothehilt.

“Christ,Ashlyn…youfeelsofuckinggood…sowarm…”

Ethanusedhisfirsttwofingerstocirclearoundmyclit,bringingmeclosertothe

edgeasIincreasedthepace.Hespreadhisfingersapartandturnedhishandaround,

placinghispalmflatagainstmypubicbonewhilealsoaddingstimulusaroundtheoutside,

rightnexttowherewewereconnected.Itwasmorethanenoughtosendmeovertheedge

sincethesensationwasbuildingtothepointwhereIcouldfeelitinmylegsasthey

tightenedoneithersideofhiships.Ileanedforward,grindingagainsthishand,whichin

turnputthemuchneededpressureagainstmyclit.Ifeltallofmymusclestensearound

hisshaft,pullinghimdeeperintomeasIcamearoundhim,cryingoutandtossingmy

headback.

“Oh…my…God,Ashlyn!”Ethanscreamedout,hiswordsstaccatogaspsfromhis

throat.“Oh!Shit!Fuck!Ashlyn!”

Hishandstensedandpulledmeflushtohim,hisbodytremblingwithonefinal

shudder.Hewasholdinghisbreathashetensedandpulsedinsidemeandeventuallylet

itoutinonelong,slowexhale.Hegentlyreleasedhisgriponmyhipsandrolledusboth

tooursidescarefully.Hereachedbetweenustograbtheedgeofthecondombefore

pullingoutslowly.

Hetiedthecondomexpertlyandtosseditintothewastebasketontheothersideof

thenightstandbeforerollingbackandwrappingonearmaroundmywaist.Hepropped

himselfupwiththeotherarmandgazeddownatmeforamoment,hisbrighteyes

lighteningtorevealhisplayfulside.Heleaneddownandnippedhislipsacrossthelineof

myjaw.Ireacheduptotugathishair.Withinacoupleofminutes,weweremakingout

again,andIcouldfeelhisrapidbreathsonmyskin.Hepulledhismouthawayand

touchedhisforeheadtomine,awickedgrinonhisface.

IstaredupathimasIranmyhanddownhissidetohiship.We’djustfinished,

andIalreadywantedhiminsidemeagain.

“Iguessyou’reovertheagething.”

“IguessIam.”Ilaughedloudly.

“Ashlyn,”Ethansaidagainstmylips,“canIaskyousomething?”

“Sure,”Iresponded.

“WouldyouthinkIwasoutofmymindifIaskedyoutomoveinwithme?”

“Yes,”Irepliedwithachuckle,“Iwould.”

“Wouldyouconsidermovinginwithacrazyguy,then?”

“Ihavenoideawhyyouwouldevensaythat,”Isaid,giggling.ThoughIwould

bethefirsttoadmitthatsexwithEthanwasundoubtedlythebestIhadeverhad,Iwasn’t

abouttojustmoveinwithanyone.Inthepast,IhadbarelybeenabletohandlePresleyas

aroommate.

“Ilikehavingyouhere,”Ethansaid.Hetightenedhisgripalittle.“Iactuallylike

beinghereagain,whichIhaven’tinalongtime.Youmakethisplacefeelalive,andI

reallywantyoutobehereallthetime.”

“Ethan,Ican’tmoveinwithyou!”

“Can’t?”heasked.“Areyouafraidofbreakingyourlease?SomehowIdon’t

thinkthefinancialpartofitconcernsyou.”

“No,I’mnotworriedaboutthat,”Isaid.MymindflittedbacktothefeelingsIhad

inmyapartment.“Ethan,wejustmet!Howcouldyouevenconsideraskingmetomove

inwithyou?”

“Iknowenoughaboutyouandwhatkindofpersonyouare,”hesaid.“IknowI

wantyoutobehere.WhatdifferencewoulditmakeifIwaitedsixmonthsorayearto

askyou?”

“Maybeyouwon’tlikemeinsixmonths,”Ireplied.“Youmaynotlikemeinsix

days.”

“Doyouthinkitwillbemoredifficultforyoutomoveoutsevendaysfromnow

thanitwouldbesevenmonthsfromnow?Peoplewhohaveknownanddatedeachother

foryearssometimesmoveintogetherorgetmarriedorwhateverandstillsplituplater.

Shithappens.Shitcouldhappentodayornextyear,butitwillstillbeshit.”

Ihadtolaughatthatone,andhereturnedthecrookedsmilebeforehestarted

kissingupmyjawagain.

“Thinkaboutit?”heasked,blowingsoft,warmairagainstmyear.

“Notfair,”Isaid.“AnythingIsaynowwouldbeconsidered‘underthe

influence.’”

“Undertheinfluenceofwhat?”

“EthanRamsey’slips.”

Helaughedandstarteduptheothersideofmyface.

“Please?”hewhisperedwhenhereachedmyotherear.“Pleasethinkaboutit?”

“I’llconsiderthinkingaboutit,”Isaid.

“Goodenoughfornow,”hedecided.

Atleastmywordshadappeasedhim,butIwasn’tsosureImeantthem.WouldI

reallyconsiderdoingsuchathing?AsidefromthefactthatIquitelikedmyown

apartment,movinginwithsomeonesevenyearsyoungerthanmewascrazy,wasn’tit?

Besides,Ilikedhavingmyownpersonalspaceandthingsthatwerestrictlymine.Evenif

Ididn’tconsideranyofthat,IhadonlyknownEthansinceFriday.

ButIknewhim.Ireally,reallyknewhim.Iknewhowhonesthewasabout

everything,includinghowhefeltwhenheknewhiswordsmightbeupsetting.Iknew

exactlywhereIstoodwithhimandneverhadtobeghimtotellmehowhefelt.Hewas

charismaticandkind.Hewasgenerouswithhisfriends,andfromwhathehadsaid,they

seemedtobethesamewaywithhim.Helivedforthemoment,whichwasrefreshingand

exciting.

Evenaftersuchashorttime,IfeltlikeIknewhimbetterthananymanIhadever

knowninmylife.MaybeIcouldconsidermovinginherewithhim.Ihadtoadmitthe

ideaofwakingupjustlikeIhadyesterdaymorningwasquitetempting.PerhapsIwould

considerdoingsomethingsocompletelyoutofcharacterformynormal,think-things-

throughselfandjumponanopportunitythatjustfeltright.MaybeIwoulddosomething

justalittlebitspontaneousandtaketheastuteadviceEthanworesoproudly:carpediem.

Chapter16—Allure

Sixtimes.

Wehadsexsixtimesbetweenlastnightandthismorning.

Beingwithanineteen-year-oldhaditsperks.

IhadtopracticallyhoseEthandowntogetmyselfoutofhisbedroomsoIcould

startgettingreadytoheadbacktomyplace.Heaskedmetomoveinwithhim—ortoat

leastthinkaboutit—whenwewereeatingbreakfastandagainwhenIwastryingtoleave.

Ihadrefusedtoanswerhim.

Woulditbesobad?

“Tellmemoreaboutyourself,”Ethansaid.Hesatdownonthebeanbagchairand

pattedhisthighswithhishands,encouragingmetosit.“Iwanttoknoweverything.”

“Likewhat?”IaskedasIsettleddowninhislap.

“Well,Iknowwhoyourfatheris,”hesaid,“butIdon’tknowanythingaboutyour

mom.”

“Idon’tknowmuchabouthereither,”Isaidwithashortlaugh.“Shewasneverin

mylifemuch,notsinceIwasveryyoung.SheandDadsplitupwhenIwasthree.She

hadahugeinheritancefromhermother,andshebasicallyusesthattotravelaroundthe

world,followingwhateverfloatsherboatatthemoment.Ithinkshe’sinGreeceright

now,butI’mnotsure.”

“Doyouevertalktoher?”

“Notmuch.”Ishrugged.“Sheusuallycallsaroundmybirthday.She’seithera

dayearlyoradaylate,dependingonwhatpartoftheworldsheisin.Wetalkforafew

minutesaboutwhatevershe’sbeendoingandwhatshe’sbeenseeing.Shedoesn’treally

askaboutme.LastyearshewassurprisedtolearnIwasgettingamaster’sdegree.”

“I’msorry,”Ethansaid.Hehuggedmeagainsthim.“Thathastobehardfor

you.”

“Notreally.It’shardtomisssomethingyou’veneverhad.Dad’ssecondwife

lastedallofsixmonths,andIbarelyrememberher.HewasmorecarefulaboutVanessa.”

“That’syourstepmom,right?

“Yes.She’sprettygoodforhim,andatleastshewasaroundforallthegirlystuff

whenIwasateenager.”

Isnickeredandthencoveredmymouth,rememberingthatEthanwasstillateen

himself.

“So,youlikeher?”

“She’sverystrictandverysociallyconscious,butshe’salwaysbeenkindtome.

Daddotesonher,whichsheadores.”

“Doessheworkatyourdad’scompanytoo?”

“No.”Ishookmyhead.“Shedoesalotofvolunteerstuffandhostsalotofsocial

events,butshe’sneverhadatraditionaljob.Beforeshemarriedmydad,shetrained

horsesatherfamilyranch.Isupposethatcountsasajob.”

“Horsesarecool,”Ethansaid.“Didyoueverridethem?”

“ShetookmethereafewtimeswhenIwasyounger.Ifindhorsesrather

intimidatingthoughitwasfuntoride.Ijustdidn’tlikeridingfast.”

“Nosenseofadventure?”Ethangrinnedatme.

“Idon’tknowaboutthat,butthey’resobig!”

“Ithoughtyouratherlikedbig.”Ethanthrewhisheadbackandlaughedloudly.

“That’snotthesame!”Islappedhisshoulderplayfully.

Myphonebeeped.ThescreenshowedamessagefromPresley,butIwasmore

concernedwiththetimedisplay.

“Shit!”Isaid.“Ineedtogetgoing.Classstartsinanhour,andIneedtorunhome

first.”

“Ifyoulivedhere,youwouldn’thavetomaketheextrastop.”Ethangrinned.

Ishookmyhead,pushedmyselfupoffhislap,andbegantogatherupmythings.

“Willyoucomebackafteryourclasses?”EthanaskedasIputmyshoeson.

“Ihavealotofworktodotofinishmythesis,”Isaid.“It’smostlytheconclusion

Ihaveleft,butit’sbarelystarted.”

“Youcouldworkonithere.”

“Youarefartoodistracting.”

Ethanlookedatthefloor,hislipspressedtogether.

“I’llcallyoulater,”Isaid.“IfIcangetenoughdone,I’llcomebytonight.”

“Takethekeyback,atleast?”heaskedhopefully.

“Allright.”

Hisexpressionbrightenedslightly,andhegavemealongkissbeforeIheadedout

thedooranddowntheelevatortomycar.

AsIdrovehome,IthoughtaboutwhatitmightbeliketolivewithEthan.Alittle

fantasyplayedinmyheadbrieflybeforeIcametomysenses.

“Getagrip,Ashlyn,”Isaidtomyself.Mymindhadbeenjumpingbackandforth

theentiredriveback.MoveinwithsomeoneIjustmet?Notachance.Asidefromthe

flackIwouldgetfrommyfamilyandfriends,itwasjustacompletelystupidmove.There

wereatleastathousandreasonsnottodoit—thefirstthreebeingD-A-D—andtheonly

reasonIcouldthinkoftogoaheadwithitwasbecausethesexwasfantabulous.Istarted

mumblingtomyselfasIunlockedmyapartmentdoor.“Mind-blowingsexisnotavalid

reasontomoveintogether.”

Iwrappedthestraptomybagaroundthehookbythedoorandstompedintothe

kitchentogetmyselfaglassofwater.Mycellphonebuzzedinmypurse,andIrealizedI

didn’twanttotalktoanyonewhomightbecalling,evenifitwasEthan.Talkingtohim

wasjustfartoo…

Dangerous?

Tempting?

Ididn’tknow,andIwasn’tsureifIwantedtoknowrightatthatmoment.One

thingIdidknowwasthatIwouldhaveratherstayedathisplaceanothernight,butIreally

neededtogetsomeschoolworkdone,andthatjustwasn’tgoingtohappenifIwerethere.

Idownedmyglassofwaterquicklyandthenpouredanother,wonderingifIwas

dehydratedfromlastnight’santics.

IyankedsomebooksoutofmybagandgatheredupeverythingIwouldneedfor

today’sclasses.I’dhavetofinishsomeeditingbeforeIcouldworkontheconclusionto

mythesis,whichwouldalsorequireatriptotheactuallibrary.ProfessorLamonhada

buguphisasswhenitcametoonlinearticlesandinsistedonacertainpercentageof

researchcitedfromanactualbook.

Afterabigsighandanotherglassofwater,Ifinallyopenedupmyphonetocheck

mymessages.IthadbeenPresleywhotriedtocall,andIrememberedIhadneverread

thetextmessageshehadsentearlier.

Youmissedanawesomepartyafteryouleftsoearly!Callme!

TherewasnowayIwasgoingtotalktoherrightnow.Iwasonedge,confused,

andmoody,whichshewouldnoticerightawayandstartwiththebarrageofquestionsI

didn’twanttoanswer.Presleywasthemostdangerousofmyentiresocialgroupbecause

Iswearthewomanwasabletocontacttwenty-sixpeopleinaboutfourminutesifthere

wassomethingsheconsideredgossip-worthy.WhenColeandIhadsplitup,Ihadsent

heratextmessageonmywayoutofhisapartment.Helivedaboutanhouraway,andby

thetimeIarrivedattheplaceIsharedwithPresley,therewereaboutseventypeopleatour

apartment,dancingandtoastingmynewfoundfreedom.

Okay,soPresleyhadn’tbeenfondofCole,andwithgoodreason.Butstill,my

momcalledwhileIwaspullingintothedrivewaytomakesureIwasallright,asifshe

evenrememberedthatIhadbeendatingsomeone.Itoldoneperson,andinunderanhour,

everyoneIhadeverknownknewIwassingleagain,includingmyabsenteemother

halfwayacrosstheworld.Itwasannoying,tosaytheleast.Mypreferencewouldbeto

keepthisinformationfromPresleyaltogether,atleastuntilIcouldtalktomydad…

Yeah,right.Andsaywhat?

Growlingaudiblyatmyself,Iwenttothekitchen,droppedandbrokethewater

glassinthesink,nearlyburstintotearstryingtocleanitup,andthenstompedofftotakea

shower.Asthehotwaterpouredoverme,andmyminddriftedbacktoearlierthat

morning,IstartedthinkingaboutEthan.Ithoughtabouthisheadrestingbackonmy

shoulderasIreadtohimandabouttheFrenchtoasthemadeforbreakfast—twice.His

completeforthrightnessandhonestywassooutoftheordinary,Icouldn’thelpbutadmire

howeasilyitseemedtocomefromhim.Hewassweet,adorable,intelligent,and

absolutelythemostincrediblygorgeousindividualIhadeverseeninmylife.

Isteppedoutoftheshowerandstartedtotoweloff.WhenIglancedinthemirror,

InoticedIwassmiling.Ifeltalotmorerelaxed,andIdidn’tthinkithadanythingtodo

withtheshoweritself.Justthinkingabouthowwehadspentourtimetogetherhad

calmedmedown.EventhoughIhadbeennakedintheshower,alwaysaprimeplacefora

littleself-pleasure,Ihadn’teventhoughtaboutsexwithhim.Myteethdugintomy

bottomlip,andIfeltanewwaveofpaniccomeoverme.

Itwasn’taboutthesex.

Ohshit!WhathadIgottenmyselfinto?

Beforethepaniccouldsetin,myphonealarmwentoff,signalingitwastimeto

headtoclass.Idressedquickly,grabbedmybackpack,andheadedoutthedoor.

Twentyminuteslater,Irushedintotheroomjustbeforeclassstarted.Presley

raisedaneyebrowatmeasIdroppeddownnexttoher.Presley’sheartwasn’tinour

economicsclass,butitfitinwithoneofherPhDrequirements,anditwastheonlyclass

we’dhadtogethersinceundergrad.

“Arewegoingouttonight?”Presleyasked.Shetappedherpencilonthedesktop

repeatedlyasProfessorLamonwalkedupanddowntheaisles,handingoutstapled

packetsofpapers.

“I’mnotsure,”Isaid,hopingtododgethequestionaltogether.She’dbeen

pesteringmeaboutmyweekendconstantly—wherehadIbeen,whyhadn’tIjoinedthem

attheclub,etcetera.Ireallydidn’twanttogetintoitwithPresley.Forstarters,shejust

wasn’tgoingtounderstand,andassoonassheheardaguy’sname,shewasgoingtowant

everylittledetail.HowwasIsupposedtoexplainIspenttheentireweekendwithabrain-

damaged,teenagedguyIhadjustmet?Yeah,thatwouldgooverwell.Besides,she

wouldwanttomeethim,interrogatehimtofindhisweaknesses,andthenstartexploiting

them.

“Well,IknowIsaac’stendingbar.Zoeyandprobablyafewofherusualcrowdare

planningonbeingthere.Maybeshe’llbringthoseguysshemetSaturday.Youblewus

offallweekend.Iwouldthinkyou’datleastcomebyforonedrink.”

“Iwentoutwithyoulastnight,”Isaid,remindingher.

“Forlike,tenminutes.Thenyoubailedandmissedallthefun,soitdidn’tcount.

What’severyonegoingtothinkifyousuddenlystophangingwhenyou’reexpectedtobe

there?”

“Maybe,”Isaid,noncommittally.

IignoredPresleyasItooknotesduringthelecture.Attheendoftheclassperiod,

ProfessorLamondroppedoneofthestudyplansfortheeconomicsfinalonmydesk,andI

startedgatheringupmybooks.

“I’dliketogetstartedonthestudyguide,”ItoldPresley,“soIprobablywon’tgo

out.Thisfinalisgoingtobeabitch.ItisaMonday,notaFriday,youknow.”

“Whocares?”Presleyrolledhereyesatme.Shetossedherthingsinherbagand

wrappeditaroundhershoulder.Wefiledthroughtheclassroomdooranddownthehall.

“Youcouldskipthefinalandstillgraduateatthispoint.Youhaveyourjob,sowhywaste

timestudying?”

“BecauseifIdon’tacethefinal,Idon’tendupwithanA,”Isaid.“Iratherlike

myGPArightwhereitis,thankyou.”

“Onedrink,Ashlyn!”Presleyknockedshoulderswithmeasweheadedoutthe

dooranddownthestepstothecourtyard.“Youhavetimefor…”

Ididn’theartherestofhersentence.Atthebottomofthestairs—balancedonhis

bicycleandsmokingacigaretteinallhisbeautiful,teenageglory—wasEthan.Oureyes

met,andhegracedmewiththatsmile.

“Hey,”hesaid—ormaybehejustmouthedit.Icouldn’thearhimoverPresley’s

chatter.Iglancedoverather,butshewaslookingoffintheotherdirectionandapparently

hadn’tnoticedhim.Iwasonlythreestepsfromthebottom,andI’dhavetoeitherstopor

walkrightpasthim.Ihadnoideawhattodo.Iwasn’texpectinghimtoshowuphere—

oncampus!Iwasn’tprepared.WhatwasIgoingtotellPresley?Shewasdefinitely

goingtogrillme,regardless.Goodlord,therewasnotellingwhatshemightsaytohim

rightinfrontofme!Wouldshenoticehowyounghewas,orwouldshenotevengetpast

thepiercingsandtattoos?Icouldn’teventhinkaboutthecigaretteandthefactthathewas

onabicycle.Shit,PresleywouldhaveafuckingfielddayifshefoundoutIhadspentthe

weekendwithhim.IwasgoingtobetornapartifIevenacknowledgedthatIknewhim.

IwonderedwhathewoulddoifIjustwalkedrightpasthimandpretendedIdidn’tsee

him.Ofcourse,wehadalreadymadeeyecontact,sotherewasnowayIcoulddothat,

notwithouthurtinghisfeelings.

Ihesitatedamoment,havingabsolutelynoideawhatIshoulddoandthenended

upstoppingatthebottomofthestairs,caughtinmyownindecision.Ethantwisted

sidewaysanddroppedoffthebicycleseatbeforereachingoutandhuggingmeagainsthis

chest.Ihadn’tevenconsideredthathemightdosomethinglikethat.Istiffenedand

glancedquicklyoveratPresley,whoappearedtobetryingtocatchflieswithherwide-

openmouth.Ethanimmediatelyletgo,hissmiledisappearing.

“Iwasgoingtocall,butIfiguredyouwouldbeinclass,”hesaid.“Iwouldhave

sentyouatext,butmyfriendsareallatworknow,andIdidn’thaveanyonewhocould

helpmewriteit.”

Ohshit!Icouldn’tbelievehesaidthat.Iwasn’treadytodealwiththis.Ijust

wasn’t.

“That’sokay,”Isaid.IlookedoveratPresleyandherbug-eyes,staringfirstat

Ethan,thenatmeandthenbackatEthanagain.Ireallyhopedshewasnotsomuchon

hergamethatshecaughtthemeaningofhislastcomment.

“Ashlyn?”Presleybumpedintomyarmagain.“Areyougoingtointroducemeto

your‘friend’?”

“Ofcourse,”Isaidquickly.Icouldfeelmyfacegettinghotter.“Presley,thisis

Ethan.Ethan,thisismyfriend,Presley.She’sinmyeconomicsclass.Presley,I’mgoing

toheadonovertothelibrarynowandgetstartedonthestudyguide.IfIhavetimeand

I’mnottootired,I’lltrytocatchupwithyouguysattheclublater.”

Asif,Ithought,butatleastitmightgetheroffmyback.

“Hey,Presley,”Ethansaidwithasmile.Shedefinitelynoticedthatsincehereyes

buggedoutevenmore.

“It’sapleasuretomeetyou,Ethan.HowlonghaveyouknownourAshlynhere?”

Our?Howmanypeopledidshethinkshewas?Ireally,reallywasn’tpreparedto

dealwiththis.Idefinitelycouldn’tdothisnowanddefinitelynotstartingwithPresley,of

allpeople.Shecouldbeabsolutelyvicious,andanythingshediscoveredwouldbeknown

byeveryman,woman,andgrandparentinoursocialcirclewithinanhour.Ineededa

quickescape.

“Wemetjustacoupleofdaysago,”Ethansaid,blushing.Hetossedashyglance

atme,andhistonguepoppedouttospinhislipringsinacircle.Hepracticallyhad“my

dick’sbeeninherpussy”sketchedacrosshisforehead.Ohdearlord,shewouldeathim

aliveifhekeptthatup.Iwould,ofcourse,beherdessert.

“Didyounow?”Presleyturnedhersyrupy-sweetsmileonme.“Ashlynhasn’t

mentionedyou.”

“Oh,well…um…”Ethanstammeredasheglancedatmesidewaysandthen

lookeddownattheground.Histonguepoppedoutandranoverhislipringsagain.He

placedhislefthandbehindhisneckandrubbedatthebackofhishead,sendinghishair

flyingallovertheplaceinthelightspringbreeze.

Shit.

“Presley,Ireallyneedtogetgoing…”

“MaybeEthancanjoinusattheclubthisevening.”Presleycontinuedtopress.

Myeyeswidenedinshock.Therewasnowayshewouldinvitehimsomewherewithouta

completelydeviousplaninherhead.Iabsolutely,positivelyhadtogetbothofusaway

fromherasquicklyaspossible.

“Whichclub?”Ethanasked.

“ClubMania,”Presleysaid,increasinghersmiletothepointoflookingrather

maniacal.TherewasnowayEthancouldgetinthere,andIcouldtellbyherexpression

thatsheknewit.Shewasdefinitelydoingthisonpurpose.

“Oh…um…Ithinkthatplaceistwenty-oneandup,”Ethansaid.

“Well,yeah!”Presleylaughed.“It’sbadenoughwehavetoputupwiththeolder

undergrads!Ilikeaplacethatdoesn’tallowanychildren.”

“Yeah,well…”Ethanglancedoveratmeagain.“I’mnotanundergrad,atleast,

butIthinkI’llpass.Thanksanyway.”

“Presley,ItoldyouIhadstudyingtodo…”

“Yousaidmaybe,Ashlyn,”Presleysaid,grinningatmeandraisinghereyebrows.

“Isthereanythingelseyouwanttodiscuss?Maybeyourfriendherecanfillmeinon

whereyouwereallweekend,hmm?”

“Dropit,Presley.”Iglaredatherthroughnarrowedeyes.Myheartwasbeatingso

fast,shecouldprobablyhearitthroughmychest.“Ineedtogettothelibrary,andyou

needtogettoyourchemlab.”

“Well,we’lljusthavetocontinuethislater,won’twe?”Presleyresumedthe

insaneclownsmileagain.“Itwastrulyapleasure,Ethan.Maybewe’llseeyouatthe

clubinafewyears?”

Shestartedlaughinghystericallyasshesaunteredoffwithherhigh-heeledboots

clickingagainstthesidewalk.Iglaredafterherforaminuteandthentriedtogetmy

bearings.Evenwithhernowoutoftheimmediatepicture,Ididn’tknowwhattodonext.

Everythinghadhappenedsofast,andIhadnoideahowtoproceed.Iglancedaroundthe

courtyard,makingsureIwasn’tgoingtogetambushedbyanyoneelseIknew.

“Youdidn’twanthertoknow,”EthansaidassoonasPresleywasoutofearshot.

Hewaslookingatherretreatingformandnotlookingatmeatall.

“Ignoreher,”Isaidquickly.

“Thatisprobablygoodadvice,”Ethanagreed,finallyturningtome.Hiseyes

weredark,andhisvoicetookonalevelofvenomthatdidn’tseematallrightcomingout

ofhisbeautifulmouth.“Doyouevertakeyourownadvicetoheart?”

“Whatdoesthatmean?”EvenasIsaidit,Iknewexactlywhathewasimplying.

“Obviously,youdon’tignoreher.”Ethanstoppedandturnedtowardsme,his

darkenedeyesnarrowedalittle.“Youwereembarrassed.Youdidn’twanthertoseeme.”

“Ethan,it’snotlikethat,”Isaid.Whatwasitlike?Ididn’tknowwhattosay.

“You’rejust…alittlehardtoexplain.”

“Why?”

“Presleywon’tevenrecognizeyouashumanifyouaren’tamemberofherfather’s

countryclub,”Iexplained.Isoundedfrantic.Iwasfrantic.HowcouldIexplain

someonelikePresleytohim?It’snotlikeIcoulddoorsayanythingtomakeherless

nasty.Havingknownhermostofmylife,Iunderstoodwhysheactedthewayshedidand

acceptedherforwhoshewas,butthatdidn’thelpmeexplainwhyshetreatedpeoplelike

that.IfIhadbeenprepared,Imighthavebeenabletosaysomethingtoherthatwouldn’t

havemadethissopainfullyawkward,buthehadn’tgivenmethechance.

“Idon’treallygiveashitwhatshethinks,”Ethansaid.Thetoneofhisvoicehad

turnedhard,thevenomgoneandreplacedwithsomethingworse—somethingcoldand

nearlyemotionless.“Yourbeingembarrassedbymemeanssomething,though.”

“Ethan,I’mnot…”Icouldn’tevenfinishthecompletethoughtbecauseIknewon

somelevelitwastrue,notnecessarilyembarrassment,buttheideaofmyfriendsseeing

mewithEthanwasprettyfrightening.Allthequestionstheywouldask—age,tattoos,lip

rings.FortheloveofGod,Iwasn’treadytovolleyallthosequestionsjustyet.Ihadn’t

preparedanyanswers.

“It’sokay,”hesaidquicklyandsuddenly.“Igetit.Sorrytowasteyourtime.”

EthanwasonhisbikeandpedalingawaybeforeIcouldevengetawordout.He

wasnothingmorethanaspeckinthedistancebeforeitevenoccurredtometocallafter

him.Mychesttightened,andforamoment,Icouldn’tbreathe.Halfanhourlater,I

realizedIwasstillstandinginthesamespot.

Chapter17—Longing

Iwasadisgraceful,undeniableidiot.

AfterEthanhadtakenoff,Icouldnolongerbreatheright.WhatIhadsaidordone

—ornotsaidordone—wasawful.HethoughtIhadn’ttoldanyoneaboutus.Hethought

Iwasembarrassedtobeseenwithhim.HethoughtIdidn’twantmyfriendstomeethim.

Hehadbeenright.

Iwas,simplyput,ahorribleperson.IlikedEthan.Ilikedhimalot,andIhad

probablyjustruinedanychanceswemighthavehadbecauseIwasafraidofwhatmy

friendsweregoingtothinkofhim.IwasevenworsethanPresleybecausehedidn’tknow

her,andshedidn’tknowhim.Hehadn’tpouredhisheartouttoherwhilesittinginapink

beanbagchair,andhehadn’tbeeninbedwithherlessthantwenty-fourhoursago.

Imovedlikeazombietomyremainingclasses,imagesofEthan’sagonized

expressionhauntingme.Assoonasmylastlectureended,IwentimmediatelytoEthan’s

apartment.Henryhadgreetedmecordiallyenoughattheparkinggaragegatebuttoldme

immediatelythatEthanwasn’tthere.HehadtohaveknownIstillhadakeytotheplace,

butitwasprettyclearhehadbeentoldnottoletmebackin.

Overthenextfewdays,IleftEthanseventeenvoicemails.Ihadnoideahow

manytimesIhadtriedtocallandnotbotheredleavingamessage—toomanytocount.

Hehadn’tcalledback.Ihadconsideredtextinghim,buthewouldonlyknowwhatthey

saidifsomeonereadthemtohim,andIreallydidn’twantanyoneelsereadingwhatI

wantedtosay.

IthadbeenlessthanaweeksinceIhadfirstlaideyesonhim,andIhadnoidea

wheretoevenbegintolookforhim.TheonlyplaceIhadbeenwithhimwasthe

penthouseapartmentwherehesaidherarelyeverspentthenight.Iknewhestayedwith

friendsontheLowerWestSide,butexactlywherewasamysterytome.Ifhewasgoing

tocontinuetorefusemyphonecalls,Ihadnootherwaytofindhim.Thephonewasstill

ringingconstantly,butthecallswerefromvariousfriends,notEthan.Iknewwhattherest

ofthemwerecallingabout,andIleteveryoneofthemgotovoicemail.

Presley’stextmessagesweretheworst.

AtleastnowIknowwhyyouhaven’tbeenhangingoutwithus!

Abicycle?Really?

Ishestillinhighschool?

Ican’tbelieveyouareblowingusoffforaguywhoshopsatthriftstores.

Haveyoucompletelyandtotallylostyourmind?Callmeback!

Ididn’tcallher.Ididn’tcallanyofthem.Ievenavoidedmyapartmentasmuch

aspossiblejustincaseoneofthemdecidedtobreakdownmydoor.

OnThursdaynight,Istartedtogetdesperate.ThoughIknewEthanwasn’ta

student,IfoundmyselfsearchingupanddownthestreetsoftheQuarter—thesmall

sectionofrestaurants,shops,andbarsjustablockfromcampuswhereeveryonehungout

inbetweenclasses.

IblinkedawaytearsasIwanderedthemainstreet.Myapartmentwaslocatedon

thefarsideoftheQuarter,whereallthemostaffluentgradstudentscongregatedtoavoid

therestoftheriff-raff.IhadbeenafraidtogointothebuildingitselfsinceIwasboundto

seesomeoneIknew.ConsideringallthecallsIhadavoided,IknewPresleyhadtold

everyoneaboutourrun-inwithEthan,andIdidn’twanttoansweranyone’squestions.

IgaveupontheQuarterandheadeddowntown,closertoEthan’sapartmentand

myfather’scompany.IconsideredgoingbacktoEthan’splaceagain,butIknewnothing

hadchanged.Henrywasn’tgoingtoletmein,keyornot.Instead,Iwalkedtothe

intersectionwhereIhadfirstmetEthan,lookingleftandrightdownthestreetsandalleys

inhopesofcatchingaglimpseofboysonBMXbicycles.Ifoundnothingthatwouldlead

metoEthan.

AsIwentpastthewalk-upwindowofarestaurant,thesmelloffreshpizza

shimmiedupmynostrilsandremindedmeofourItaliandinner.Withinaboutfour

secondsofinhalingthedeliciousscent,Iwentfromcryingharderfromthememorytothe

joyofrevelation—therestaurantworkersallknewEthan.Theywouldbeabletotellme

howtofindhim.Iturnedonmyheel,ransmackintoascrawny,geekyguywithan

armloadofpackages,spentacoupleminuteshelpinghimpickthemup,andthenraced

backtomySaab.

Twentyminuteslater,IwalkedthroughthealleywhereEthanhadparkedhis

bicycleforourfirstdate.Iconsideredusingthekitchendoor,thoughtbetterofit,and

decidedtowalkaroundtothefrontinstead.Itwasgettinglate,andtherestaurantwould

likelybeclosingsoon.Thesameredheadwasatthehostess’counter,buthernametotally

escapedme.

“Hi,”Isaid.Iwashavingareallyhardtimelookingherintheeye.Icouldn’t

rememberhername,butIrememberedthatsheandEthanhaddated.“Iwaswonderingif

youmightrememberme.Iwashereafewnightsago…”

“Yes,Iknow.YouwerewithEthan.”

“Um,yes,right.”Itookadeepbreathandtriedtostartagain.“Actually,Iwas

hopingyoumightbeabletohelpmeout.”

“With?”Theredheadraisedaneyebrowatme.

“Well,I’mtryingtofindhim,”Isaid.“He’snotansweringhisphone,andIreally

needtotalktohim.”

“Itdoesn’tsoundlikehewantstotalktoyou,”shesaidassheturnedherbackand

walkedawaywithoutanotherword.

Istoodtherewithmymouthopen,lookinglikeanidiotasshewentbacktoher

podiumandshuffledmenusaround.Iwasabouttogobackuptoherandstartan

argumentwhenafamiliarvoicecalledout.

“Hellothere!”Thebigguyinwhite—Alfero,Iremembered—walkedoutofthe

saloondoorsandsmiledatme.

“Hi,”Isaid.

“Howareyou?You’reAshlyn,right?”

“Yes,”Isaid.“It’sgoodtoseeyouagain,Alfero.”

“Didyoucomebackforsomemorepasta,orisitthegelatoyouarecraving?”he

asked.Helookedovermyshouldertowardsthedoor.“Where’sEthan?”

“Well,actually,”Isaid,“Iwashopingyoucouldhelpmefigurethatout.”

“Hmm…”Alferolookedmeoverforamoment.“Ithinkyou’dbettersitdown.

Sheila,askthekitchenifthere’sanygelatoleft.”

“Fine,”Sheilagrumbled.AtleastIhadanameforheragain.

IwalkedovertothetableAlferomotionedtowardwhileSheilaheadedintothe

kitchen.

“Somethingnotgoingright?”Alferoasked.Hedidn’twasteanytimegettingto

thepoint,anditremindedmesomuchofEthanthatsuddenlytearswerefallingwithout

myconsent.Iputmyhandsovermyfaceandheardthescrapeofchairlegsacrossthe

floorbeforeIfeltAlfero’slargearmsaroundmyshoulders.Hedidn’tsayawordbutlet

mecryuntilImanagedtocomposemyself.Heofferedmeoneofthelinennapkinsfrom

thetabletodrymytears.

“I’msorry!”Iwasstillsniffling.“Ididn’tmeantostartallthis,it’sjust…”

“Don’tyouworryaboutathing,Ashlyndear,”hesaid.“Whydon’tyoutellme

whathappened?”

Irelayedtheeventsoutsidetheeconomicsbuilding,endingwithEthan’shasty

departure.

“IknowIwasrudetohim,andIreallydidn’tmeanitthatway,”Isaid,sniffing.“I

havemyownhang-upstoworkthrough,butIneedtotalktohim,andhewon’ttakemy

calls!Iwenttohisapartment,buthewasn’tthere.Thedoormanwouldn’tletmeupeven

thoughIstillhavehisextrakey.Idon’tknowhowtogetaholdofhim!”

“Ethanisavery…unusualindividual,”Alferosaidafteramoment’spause.“He’s

sensitivetoafault,andwhenhefeelssomething,hefeelsitverydeeply.Hetoldyou

abouthisparents?”

“Yes.”

“Evenbeforetheirpassing,hewasanemotionalchild.Losingthemwhenhe

neededthemsomuchwasverydifficult.Hehasfoundhisownpeacebylivingforthe

momentbuthasahardtimewhenothershecaresaboutdon’tsharehisview.”

“Carpediem,”Imurmured.

“Exactly.Itookhimtogetthataddedunderthedragon’stail.”

“Youdid?”

“Idid.”Alferonodded.“IknewEthan’sfamilybeforehewasevenborn.His

parentssharedtheirfirstdatehere,youknow.”

“Ididn’tknowthat.”

“Heprobablydidn’twanttojinxit,”Alferosaidwithawink.“Heiscompletely

smittenwithyou,ofcourse.Itwasalloverhisfacewhenhebroughtyouin,anditjust

increasedthewholetimeyouwerehere.”

“WhatamIgoingtodo?”

“Whatareyouwillingtodo?”Alferoaskedpointedly.“Youhavesomehang-ups,

asyoucalledthem.Areyougoingtobeabletofacethoseissuesforhim?Ifnot,you

needtolethimgo.He’sstrong,andhewillheal.Ifyouarewillingtomakesomepretty

seriouschangestoyourpriorities…well,thatisuptoyou.”

“Iwanttobewithhim,”Isaid.“Iknowthatnow.IknowI’llhavetodealwith

whatpeoplethink,andthat’snotgoingtobeeasy,butrightnow,I’ddoanythingtoget

himback.”

“ThenIthinkyouhaveaverygoodchance.”

“Willyoutellmewherehisfriendslive?”Iasked.“I’msurehe’sthere,andI

reallyhavetotalktohim.Ihavetoapologize.”

Alferosmiled,nodded,andwrotetheaddressonawaiter’sbillpad.Hegaveme

anotherhugandwishedmeluck,andIwasoutthedoorandheadedforoneoftheworst

areasoftown.Indesignershoes.

IdecideddrivingmycartotheLowerWestSidewasn’tagreatidea,soItooka

cabinstead.Itwasn’thardforthecabdrivertofindtheapartmentbuildingwiththe

addressAlferohadgivenme.Thecomplexwasahuge,L-shapedcollectionofbuildings

withadilapidatedplaygroundandaparkinglotfullofrustedcars.

ItwasdarkbythetimeIarrived,andtheareawasmostlyemptyandquiet.There

weretwomen—probablyhomelessfromthelookofthem—leaningagainsteachother’s

shouldersandsharingabottleacrossthestreetfromtheapartmentbuildings,butthey

didn’tseemtonoticeme.

Ifoundthecorrectbuildingandimmediatelynoticeditwasinatrociouscondition.

Evenifthefadedpaintandworncarpetsonthestepsinsidecouldbeforgiven,Icouldn’t

ignoretheirongateddoor,whichhungslightlyaskewbyonehingeanddidnothingto

keepanyoneoutofthebuilding.Therewasalsoamoldy,mustysmellonceIwalked

insidethatmademealittlesicktomystomach.Ilookedattheslipofpaperinmyhand

andreadtheapartmentnumberagain—306.Thenumbersontheapartmentdoorsonthe

lowerfloorwentfrom101to106.

Iwenttotheelevator,buttherewasafadedsignoverthebuttonsstatingitwasout

oforder.Aroundthecorner,Ifoundthestairsandforcedmyfeettostompupthesteps,

heelsandall.Theapartmentdoorwasrightatthetopofthestairs,atthebackofthe

building.Itookadeepbreathandknocked.

Chapter18—Logic

“Whothefuckknocks?”amalevoicecalledout.“E,didyouorderafucking

pizzaorsomething?”

Iheardsomemumbledrepliesandthenlaughter,butnoonecametothedoor.I

stoodthere,unawarethatIwasbitingmylip,andIconsideredturningaroundandleaving,

butIcouldn’t.Ihadtoseehim.Ihadtotalktohim.

Ireacheduptoknockagainjustasthedoorflewopen,andanimposingblonde

womanwithblueeyeshadowandavoluptuousfigurelookeddownatmeandnarrowed

hereyes.Sheworefadedsweatpantsandabuttondownshirtthatdidn’tquitefither

figure.BehindherwastallmanwearingjeansandaT-shirt.Hehadbroadshouldersand

adark,scragglybeard,andIthoughthelookedvaguelyfamiliar.Hemighthavebeenone

oftheguysonthestreetcornerwhereIhadfirstmetEthan.

“Idon’tknowyou,”theblondewomanstated.Shelookeddownatmyshoesand

thenslowlyuptomyfaceagain.“Youaredefinitelynotfromaroundhere.”

“No,I’mnot,”Isaid,feelingflusteredbyherdirectness.“Iwasjustlookingfor

Ethan.”

“Itoldhimyouwouldbeuglyontheinside,”thebigguysaidwithasneer.He

glaredatme.“Ealwaysthinkshehasapointtoprove.”

Irememberedthemanthen.Ethanhadpointedhimoutonthestreetcornerwhen

wefirstmet.

“Holyshit,”thetallblondesaid.“Isshethebitchwho—”

“Andi.”IheardEthan’ssoftvoicebeforeIsawhimstepoutfromaroundthedoor.

“Don’tdothat.”

“What?Callherwhatsheis?”

“Stopit,”hesaid,nottakinghiseyesfromme.“Hey,Ashlyn.”

“Hey,”Ireplied,nervousandself-conscious.“Canwetalk?”

“Iguess,”hesaid.“I’mnotreallysurewhatweneedtosaythough.”

“Ineedtoexplain,”Ireplied.

“Igetit,”Ethansaidwithashrug.“Iembarrassyou.”

“Youdon’thavetotalktoher,Ethan,”theblondesaid.Andi,hehadcalledher.

ShehadtobetheAndreahementionedbefore—theonehesaidlikedtoplaymomfor

him.

“Iknow,”hereplied.“It’sokay,Andi—really.”

ThebigguygrabbedEthan’sarmandsilentlyraisedaneyebrowathim.Ethanjust

shruggedhisrightshoulderupanddown,andthebigguyletgoofhisarm.Andrea

huffedandsteppedtoonesideasEthanwalkedpasther,quietlyshuttingthedoorbehind

himsowewerestandinginthemustyhallwayalone.

“Ethan,I’msorry,”Iblurtedoutquickly.Ilookedupintohisbrightgreeneyes

andhopedhewouldsaysomethingbecauseIhadn’treallyplannedmuchofaspeech.

ThoughIhadspentdayslookingforhimjustsoIcouldtalktohim,Icouldn’tcomeup

withthewords.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.IonlyknewIdidn’twanthimtodisappear

frommylifelikethis.Unfortunately,hejustlookedatmewithoutresponding,forcingme

tocomeupwithsomething.Itookadeepbreath,anddoveintotherealmofcomplete

honesty.

“Ididn’twanthertoseemewithyou,”Isaidsoftly.Ifeltthepressureoftears

buildingbehindmyeyes.“Iknowthat’sstupid,andit’snotyouatall—it’sher.No,it’s

nother—it’sme.”

“Igotit,”Ethansaid.“Youdon’twanttobeseenwithme.”

“Iwanttoseeyou,”Itoldhim.

“What?”Hebarkedoutalaugh.“Aslongasit’sbehindcloseddoors?

Seriously?”

“No!”Thetearswereflowingnow.“There’sjustsomuchpressurefrom

everyone.Myfriends,myfather—theyallhavealotofexpectations,andIwasn’t

preparedtotrytoexplainyoujustyet.”

“Explainme?”Ethanhuffedandgrabbedthehandleofthedoor.“Idon’tknow

whatthefuckthat’ssupposedtomean,andIdon’tknowifIwanttofindout.”

“Please…don’t,”Isaid,quitewillingtobegifIneededto.“Yousaidbeforeyou

didn’twanttosaythewrongthingandfuckthisup.Ididn’twanttoeither,butIhave.

Please,letmetrytofixit.Givemeachance,please,Ethan.”

Hehaltedanddroppedhishandfromthedoorknobbutdidn’tlookbackatme.

“IknowIshouldn’tcarewhatpeoplethink,”Isaid,wipingmyeyeswithmy

sleeve.“ButIalwayshave.EveryoneIknowissofocusedonwhatpeoplelooklike,

whatthey’rewearing,wheretheyboughttheirshoes.Whoyouarewithisabigpartof

that—therightperson,therightfamily.I’veneverknownanyonelikeyoubefore.I

mean,thefirstthingspeopleseearethepiercingsandthetattoos.I’mafraidIjustwon’t

knowhowtocopewiththeirreactionstoyou.I’vehadatleastfifteenphonecallsfrom

peoplesincePresleysawyou,andIhaven’tevenansweredthembecauseIdon’tknow

whattosay!”

“Dotheybotheryou?”heasked.“Thetattoosandthepiercings?”

“WhenIfirstsawyou,yes,”Ianswered.Iwantedtobeastruthfulaspossible.

“Notbother,necessarily,butyourappearanceisverydifferentfromwhatI’musedto.I

wassoflusteredwhenyoucameuptotalktome,Ididn’tknowhowtoreact.”

“Whataboutnow?Youstilldon’tlikethem?”

“NowIlikethem,”Isaid.“Theytookalittlegettingusedto,andIthinkIwas

kindofintimidatedbythematfirst.Butyouwereso…sweet.Youcaughtmeoffguard,

andI’mgladyoudid.”

“Why?”

“BecauseIreallylikeyou,Ethan.Iwantedtogettoknowyoubetter,andIstill

do,butIdon’tknowhowtodealwitheveryoneelseinmylife.Appearanceshavealways

beenveryimportant,andIdon’tknowanyotherway.”

Ethanfinallylookedbackuptome,hiseyesnarrowed.

“WhenIrealizedyouwereupsetbecauseIhuggedyouinfrontofyourfriend,it

reallyhurt,”hesaid.Hisvoicewasfrighteninglydeadpan,consideringhiswords.“I

knowItendtogetalittleoverlyemotionalaboutstupidshit,butthatwasn’tstupidtome.

Ididn’tknowwhattothink.IthoughtyoulikedmeandacceptedmethewayIwas.

WhenIrealizedyoureallydidn’t…”

“ButIdo!”Icried.“Itdoesn’tmattertomenow,andIwouldneverwantyouto

changeanything.Ijustdon’t…Idon’t…”

“Wantanyoneelsetoknow?”Heraisedhiseyebrowandnoddedhishead.“Yeah,

Igotthatidea.Ican’tbethatway,Ashlyn.WhenyouleftmyplaceSunday,Icameover

hereandtoldeveryoneaboutyou.ItoldthemhowgreatyouwereandhowmuchIliked

you.Itoldthemaboutyoureadingtome—andthatpartevenmadeFaithcry.AllIcould

thinkaboutwashowmuchIwantedthemtomeetyouandforyoutobeincludedinthings

wedoasagroup.Ididn’trealizeIwasgoingtobeanembarrassmenttoyouorthatyou

wouldn’teventellanyoneaboutme.Ithought…IthoughtyoufeltwhatIfelt.Ithought

whenwemadelove…shit,Ashlyn.”

Heturnedawayforasecond,hisrighthandmovinguptopinchthebridgeofhis

nose.

“Ididfeelthat,”Iwhispered.

“IfyouhadfeltwhatIfelt,youwouldhave…fuck,itdoesn’tmatter.”Ethanshook

hishead,ranhishandsthroughhishair,andyankedacigaretteoutofhispocketwithhis

righthand,quicklygraspeditoutofhisfingerswithhislefthand,andthenputthe

cigarettebackinhisshirtpocket.

“Ijustneedsometime,Ethan,”Isaid.“Ineedto…processsomeofthis.Ineedto

figureoutwhattotellmyfriendsand…”

“I’mnotgoingtobeinarelationshiplikethat,”Ethansaid.Hiseyesweredark,

andhisnostrilsflaredalittleashespoke.“Idon’twanttobeexplainedtothepeoplein

yourlifebeforeImeetthem.IfIcan’tjust…bemewithyou…shit.Forgetit.Ireally

don’thaveanythingelsetosay.”

Hespuntohisright,andhisrighthandgraspedthedoorknobandstartedtoturnit.

Atthesametime,hislefthandreachedoutandtightenedsecurely,thoughnotpainfully,

aroundmywrist.

“Ethan?”Ilookeddownathisfingersgrippingmywristasheturnedandstarted

totwistthehandle.

“No,Ashlyn,”hesaidsharply,andthenhisvoicewentbacktocalmandcold.

“I’mdonehere.Idon’twanttotalktoyouanymore.”

Ethancontinuedtoopenthedoor,butatthesametime,thefingersofhislefthand

strengthenedtheirgripandpulledonmyarmsharply.Istumbledforward,lostmy

balance,andbumpedintohim,almostfallingover.Ethanturnedhisheadback,hiseyes

scowlingandhisbrowsdrawninangerorconfusion;Iwasn’tsurewhich.Hisfingers

didn’treleasetheirgrip.

Suddenly,thedooropenedupalltheway,andatinywoman,barelyfivefeettall

andthecompleteoppositeofAndreainappearance,peekedoutfromtheedgeofthedoor,

eyeingfirstEthanandthenme.Iheardherexhalesharplythroughhernosebeforeher

gazeleftmineandwentbacktoEthan’s.

“Ethan—”shesaid.

“Faith,Iwanthergone,”Ethansaid,hisvoicestillcalmandemotionless.

Faithlookedathisface,andthenIwatchedhereyestraveldownhisarmandto

mywrist.Sheglancedupatme,butIcouldn’tunderstandherexpression.

“Ethan,”thelittlebrunettesaidquietly.“I’mnotsosureyouwantthat.”

“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”

“Lookatyourhand,Ethan.”

Ethanglanceddownatthefingersofhislefthandandgrimaced.

“What’sgoingon?”Iasked.Thefeelinginthepitofmystomachwasgrowing.

Ethanwaslookingathislefthandasifitdidn’tbelongtohim.

“Maybeyoushouldtalksomemore.”Faithsuggested.

“Idon’twantto,”Ethansaid,hisvoicewasstilloddlycalm.

“Partofyoudoes,”Faithsaidasshenoddedtowardshislefthand.Heopenedhis

fingersandslidthemdownmywrist,acrossmypalm,andentwinedthemwithmy

fingers.IwatchedEthanlookathishandasifheweren’tsurewhoseitwas,shakehis

head,andglancebackatme.Heslowlywinkedhisrighteye,leavingitclosedwhilehe

lookedatmewithhisleft.Histhumbstartedstrokingtheoutsideofmyhand.

“What’sgoingon?”Iaskedtimidly.IwasaboutasconfusedasIcouldgetand

didn’treallyknowwhatIshoulddoorsay,soIjuststoodtherelikeamoron.Iwatched

Ethan’sthroatbobasheswallowedhard.Heseemedasthoughhewasgoingtosay

something,butheshookhisheadagaininstead,closingbotheyesandlookingawayfrom

me.

“He’sconflicted,”Faithsaid.

“Idon’tunderstand,”Iwhispered.

“Partofmewantsyoutoleave,”Ethansaid,histonestillflatandemotionless.“I

know,logically,thatthisisn’tgoingtowork.Logicalthoughtisintheleftsideofyour

brain,thesameplaceaslanguage,whichiswhyI’mtellingyoutoleave.”

“Butyoufeelforher,Ethan.”Faithtookhisrighthandoffthedoorknobandheld

it.“Otherwise,yourrightbrainwouldn’tbeshowingyouthatyouwanttoholdontoher.

Youneedtotalktoher,Ethan.That’swhatyouaretellingyourself.”

Mystomachknottedup.DidIunderstandthiscorrectly?HalfofEthanwanted

metogo,buttheotherhalfwantedmetostay?Heseemedsotorn,anditatemeup

inside.IwantedtowrapmyarmsaroundhimanddowhateverIcouldtohelphimresolve

theconflictthatlayinside,butIdidn’tknowifIshould.Iwasthereasonforhisconflict.

Itwasmyfaulthewassoconfused.Ididn’tunderstandwhatFaithwastryingtosay

though.Partofhimwantedmetoleave—thatwasobvious—butsomeotherside

apparentlydidn’twantmetogo.Ididn’tknowwhattomakeofit.

“Thisdoesn’tmakeanysense,”Isaid.“Idon’tunderstand…”

“Faith,Idon’tthinkIcandothis.”Ethanlookedovertoher,andIsawtearsinhis

eyes.“Iwanttosay…butIdon’t…Idon’tknowhowtosayit…”

“Iknow,Ethan.It’sokay.”Faithranherfingersuphisarmandbackdownagain.

Itwasagentle,sisterlytouch,whichdidn’tevokeanyofthejealousyIhadfeltwhen

Sheilahadtouchedhimonourfirstdate.Faithturnedtolookatme.“Ashlyn,you

understandthatEthan’sbraindoesn’tworkthesameaseveryoneelse’s,right?”

“Hetoldme,”Isaidwithanod.“Therightandleftsidesdon’ttalktoeachother.”

“Exactly,”Faithsaid.“Sometimes,thelogicalpartsofourbrainsdon’tagreewith

theemotionalparts.Foryouandme,weworkitoutontheinsideandcometoa

conclusionthatinvolvesbothlogicandemotion.Ethancan’tdothatontheinside.The

onlywayhisemotionalsidecancommunicatewithhislogicalsideisthroughtheleftside

ofhisbody.Hislefthandisholdingontoyoubecausehehasanemotionalattachmentto

you,butthelogicalpartdoesn’tagree.Languageisintheleftsideofthebrain—so

whateverhislogicalsidethinksiswhathesays.”

“Faith,youdon’thavetoexplainallofthistoher,”Ethansaid.“I’mtoofuckedup

forthis.Itwasthesamelasttime.Ijustcan’tbewithanyone,obviously.I’mdamaged

andembarrassing.”

Chapter19—Chances

“Ethan?”Itightenedmygriparoundhisfingers,andhelookeddownatourjoined

hands.Hecontinuedtotracehisthumbovermyhand.“Itwasn’tyou;itwasme.Ijust…

Iwascaughtoffguard.Iwasn’treadytotellanyoneaboutyou,butthat’snotyourfault.

It’smine.I’mtheonewho’smessedupinthehead,Ethan,notyou.”

EthanlookedfrommetoourhandsandthentoFaithandherhandonhis

shoulder.Shetookaslightstepbackandletgoofhimatthesametime,noddingherhead

towardsme.

“Youwantto,Ethan.”

“Please,Ethan.”Itookbothhishandsinmine.“Pleasegivemeanotherchance.”

Ethantiltedhisheaddownandalittletotheside,firstfocusingonmewithhis

righteyeandthenwiththeleft.Ibitdownonmylipandheldmybreath.

“ButI’membarrassing,”Ethansaidagain,hisvoicecrackingalittle.

“No,Ethan.No,youaren’t.”Icouldn’thelpthetearsthatstartedtofalldownmy

cheeksagain.IwonderedifIcouldgetdehydratedfromcryingsomuch.Mywordscame

outallsmashedtogetherandprobablyonlybarelyunderstandablethroughmysobs.“You

arewonderfulandbeautifulandintelligent,andIlovebeingwithyouandreadingtoyou,

andthereisnowayinhellIdeserveanotherchanceafterwhatIdid,butplease,please

givemeone.”

Ethan’slowerlipdisappearedbehindhisteethasItentativelyreachedoutand

slippedmyfingersintothepalmofhisrighthand.Myheartwaspoundingagainstmy

ribs,andIwonderedifhecouldactuallyhearit.Ethan’sgazedartedaroundforamoment

beforefinallysettlingbackonmine.

“Youwouldintroducemetoyourfriends?”Hisvoicewassoft.“Youwouldtell

peopleaboutmewithoutbeingashamedofme?”

“Yes,”Isaid.“AndIwasn’tashamedofyou,Ethan…ever.It’smeI’mashamed

of.Ineverwantedtohurtyou.”

“Iwanttobewithyou,”hesaidinavoicethatbarelycountedasawhisper.“Itfelt

sorightwhenweweretogether.IknowIwanttobewithyoubutonlyifyouwantme

enoughtotellpeoplewhoIamtoyou.Ifnot…”

“Iwill.IswearIwill.”Mymindcringedattheveryidea,butthenervouspartof

mewasovershadowedbythepartthatrealizedbothofhishandsweregraspingmine

now.Hewasn’tgoingtoturnmeaway.Theemotionalsideofhimwaswinning.“Iknow

Iletmypridegetintheway,andIscreweditallup.”

“Pridebeforethefall,”Ethanmuttered.“Iwasproudtotelleveryoneaboutyou.”

“I’msosorry,Ethan,”Isaidagain.“Youhavebeensowonderfultome,andI

shouldbeproudtobewithyou.Ineedtogetoverworryingaboutwhatothersthinkand

focusonwhatIwant.Please,letmeknowwhatIcansayordotomakeupforit.”

“Weshouldprobablytalksomemore.”Ethanlookedfromourhandstomyeyes,

andInoddedvigorously.Again,hiseyesdarkenedalittle,anddistrustcloudedhisgaze

foramoment.“Youreallywon’ttrytohidemefrompeople?”

Ihadtobehonestwithhim.Hehadbeencompletelyhonestwithme,andI

couldn’tsugarcoatthis.He’dseerightthroughit.

“Ihavetoadmit,itisn’tgoingtobeeasytotalktosomepeopleaboutyou,butI

willdoit.”

“Yourfather?”

“He’llbethehardest,yes.”

“Icouldgowithyou.”

“No,Ithinkthatwoulddefinitelybeworse.Lethimgetusedtotheideabefore

youmeet.”

“Well,um,actually”—Ethanpausedashedancedfromonefoottotheother

—“we’vemetbefore.”Ashespoke,itseemedasifhisleftfootwastryingtogetaway

fromtherestofhim.

“You’vemetmyfather?”

“Yes,hemetmetogoovertheaccountstheweekaftermyparentsdied.”

“Oh,”Irespondedsinceanyactual,intelligentwordsdidn’tseemtobe

forthcoming.

“Honestly,Ashlyn—hedidn’tlikemetoomuch.”

“Great,”Imuttered.

“We’vemetacoupleoftimessincethen,”Ethansaidwithashrug.“Idon’tthink

heapprovesofsomeofmyfinancialdecisions.”

“Heusuallyhasanopinionaboutsuchthings.”Itiltedmyheadtooneside,my

mindtraipsingbacktoatimewhenIwasnineandwantedtobuyagiganticstuffed

animal.Ihadreceivedanendlesslectureaboutitemsthatappreciateinvalueandthose

thatdon’t.Ididn’tendupwiththegiantCareBear.Irememberedthatmuch.

Ethanlookedatmeforawhile.

“Whathesaysreallymatterstoyou,”Ethansaid.Itwasastatement,nota

question.Histonguefiddledwithhisliprings.

“Italwayshas,”Isaid.“Iknowhe’saworkaholicandcancertainlybe

overbearing,buthe’smydad.Idon’twanttolethimdown.I’manonlychild,andhe

countsonmefortoomuch.”

“That’swhyyou’regoingtoworkwithhiminsteadofdoingsomethingyou’d

ratherdo.”

“Yes,itis.”

Hestaredatmeforanotherminutebeforefinallyshowingmehisbeautifulhalf

grin.

“I’mgonnagetmystuff,”Ethansaid.Hetookasteptowardthedoorwayandthen

stopped,hissmilefalteringandhiseyesloweringalittle.“Wherewillwego?”

“Um,Ididn’tbringmycar,”Itoldhim.

“Howdidyougethere?”

“Itookacab.”

“I’llgocallforone,”Ethansaid.“Icancomebackformybikelater.”

“Wheredoyouwanttogo?”Iasked.

“Notmyplace,”hesaidquicklyandquietly,glancingnervouslyatFaith.Shegave

himasmallsmile.Ihadhonestlyforgottenshewasthereatall.

“Myplace?”Iasked,hopeful.Myjitterystomachwaitedforhisreply.

“Okay.”Ethanletgoofmyhands,buthisleftarmimmediatelypulledmeagainst

him.Iwrappedbotharmsaroundhim,lettingthetearsgoandsoakintohisshirt.

“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Ireally,reallyam…”

Ethanwrappedhisotherarmaroundmeandheldmeagainsthischestfora

minute.Hetouchedthetopofmyheadwithhislipsbeforehereleasedme,sayinghe’d

callthecabandthenwecouldgo.Hewalkedthroughthedoorandoutofmysight,

leavingFaithandmealoneinthehallway.

“Hecaresaboutyou,”Faithsaidwithasmile.“Sometimes,hejustdoesn’tknow

whathe’sfeeling.”

“He’snottheonlyone,”Imumbled.“Wejustmet,butI…”

“I’mnotlettinghimgoanywherewithher!”Aloudvoicescreechedfrominside

theapartment.Suddenly,Andreawasbackinthehallway,shakingafingeratme.“There

isnowayI’mlettinghimleavehere—notwithyou!Youfuckinghurthim,youskanky

little—”

“Andrea!”Faithstoodbetweenusandglancedoverhershoulderbackintothe

apartment.“He’sgoingtohearyou!”

“Good!Obviouslyhe’sgothiswirescrossedifhe’slisteningtoher,soheneedsto

listentosomeoneelse!”

“IthinkEthanneedstotalktoher,”Faithsaidquietly,thoughshewasstilleyeing

mewarily.

“ThatwashisfirstpanicattacksinceHaileylefthim!”Andreasnarled.“Faith,he

wasafreakingmess!Youdidn’tseehimwhenhefirstgothere!Thisbitchdidthatto

him,andI’mnotgoingtolether—”

“Andi”—FaithputherhandonAndrea’sarm—“rememberwhathewaslike

yesterday?”

“OfcourseIfuckingremember!Thatjustmakesthissomuchworse!”

“Hewantstoworkitout.”Faithleanedalittleclosertotheblonde.“Hewas

holdingontoherwithadeathgrip,andhedidn’tevenknowit.”

Andreaglaredatme,narrowedhereyesevenmore,andthenstuckoutherbottom

lip.Sheexhaledsharply,causingherbreathtomakeherbangsflyoffherforeheadfora

moment.

“Thatdoesn’tmeananything,”Andreasaid,buthervoiceheldalotlessvenom

thanithadjustasecondago.

“Idon’twanttohurthim—”

“Shutup,”Andreasaid.“YouarethelastpersonIwanttohearfromrightnow.”

“Heneedstotalktoher,Andi.Hewassoupset,butitwasbecause—”

“Whatever.”SheheldherhandinfrontofFaith’sface.Faithscowledatherand

pusheditaway.

“Stopit.”ThelittlebrunettewasstartingtolooklikeDavidinfrontofGoliath.

“Ethanneedsthis.Givehimafuckingchancetoseeifitcanwork.Hedeservesa

chance.Areyougoingtodenyhimthat?”

AndreastoppedhergrumblinglongenoughtostareintentlyatFaithandthentook

along,slowbreath.Sheputherhandsonherhips.Andrearoseuptoherfullheightand

glareddownatme.

“Ifyouhurthimagain,IswearI’llbelookingforyou,”shetoldme.“Idon’t

knowwhatthefuckheseesinyou,butIdon’tlikeit.Idon’tlikeyousnobby,richbitches

withyourcountryclubsandyourGuccipurses!”

“It’sPrada,”IsaidbeforeIcouldstopmyself.Herglareintensified.

“Ifhecomesbackhereagainlikehedidthisafternoon,Iwillhuntyoudownand

feedyouthefuckingPradapurse.Gotit?”

“Gotit,”Iwhispered.Holyshit,shewasscary.

“Andrea!”Faithgrabbedherarmandshovedherbackthroughthedoorway.

Andreawentreluctantly,givingmethestinkeyetheentiretime.Faithshookherheada

littlebeforeturningbacktome.Herstarewasn’tnearlyasfrighteningbutcertainlystill

intense.

“Ethan’sspecialtoalotofpeople,”shesaidquietlyenoughthatthoseinsidecould

nothaveheardher.“Hemeansalottomeandtohisotherfriends.Hewassohappy

whenhewasherelastweekendthatI’mgoingtogiveyouthebenefitofthedoubtand

hopewecanchalkthisuptoamisunderstanding,butdon’thurthimlikethatagain.Don’t

evermakehimfeellikehe’slessthanheis.Iwon’tstandforit.”

“Ididn’tmeanto,”Isaid.Ifeltanothertearrundownmycheek.“Ireallydidn’t.

Hemeansalottomeaswell,andIalreadyknowhowwonderfulheis.”

“Goodtohear,”Faithsaidwithanod.

Theapartmentdooropenedwide,andEthanwalkedbackintothehallway.Behind

himthereweretwoothers—thehugeonefrombeforewithhisarmscrossedoverhis

chest,andatall,lankywomanwithveryshortblackhair.Thewomanstartedatme

intensely,anditmademefeellikeshecouldseerightintomyskull.Thebigguylooked

meupanddownbutdidn’tsayawordtome.HeonlyspoketoEthan.

“Yousure,E?”

“I’msure,CeeCee—thanks.”

CeeCee.Irememberedthename.HewasthetrackrunnerwhohadhelpedEthan

whenhewashurt.

“Youknowit.”

EthanexhibitedanapprehensivesmileasheglancedfirstatmeandthenatFaith.

“Youbothokay?”heasked.“Andiisn’ttalkingtomenow.”

“Ithinkwe’regoingtobe,”Faithtoldhim.Sheturnedonherheelandwalked

backintotheapartment.Shewavedherhandintheair.“Andiwillbefine.Youknow

howprotectivesheis.”

Thedoorshut,andEthanglancedatmenervously.

“WasAndimeantoyou?”

“NothingIdidn’tdeserve.”

“AndFaith?”

“Theyallcareaboutyoualot.”

“They’remyfriends,”hesaidwithashrug.“Wealltakecareofeachother.”

Isnorted,thinkingabouthowoftenmyfriendshadtakencareofme.Irecalled

oneweekendaboutayearago.PresleylaughedherassoffatmewhenIdranksomuchI

couldn’twalk.Shedidcallmeacab,atleast.IwonderedifIhadeverhadafriendwho

wouldmakesomeoneeatadesignerpurseforhurtingme.Ididn’tthinkso.Myfriends

wouldneverdefilenamebrandconsumerproducts.

“Areyouokay?”Ethan’shandreachedoutandstrokedmycheek,wipingaway

theescapedtear.

“Ithinkso,”Isaid.“Areyou?”

“Well,halfofmeis,atleast.”Ethan’ssmiledidn’tquitereachhiseyes.“The

otherhalfisstillalittleworried.”

“WhatcanIdotoconvincebothhalvesImeanit?”Iasked.“HowcanIshowyou

Iwanttobewithyou,andwhateverpeoplesay…well,that’swhatthey’llsay.”

“Idon’treallyknow,”Ethansaid.“Ican’tevengetthetwohalvesofmetotalkto

eachother.IhavenoideahowI’llgetthembothtotalktoyou.”

Helaughed,butIcouldn’tjoinhim.Itwasn’thorriblygenuine,anyway.We

steppedoutsideandwalkedtothecurb,awaitingthetaxi.

“I’lltryifyouwill.”Ethanplacedhishand—theleft,Inoticed—undermychin

andtiltedmyheaduptolookathim.

“Ithinkthatwouldbegreat,”Isaid.“Andthankyou.”

“Forwhat?”

“GivingmethechanceIdon’tdeserve.”

IwatchedEthanleandownslowlyandthenclosedmyeyesashislipspressed

softlybutearnestlyagainstmine.

Chapter20—Acceptance

“Therewasthisguywhowasfightingwithhiswife,andheactuallyattackedher

withhislefthandwhilehisrighthandwastryingtodefendherfromhimself.”

Ethantookmyhandandhelpedmeoutofthebackofthecab.Oncewewereon

thesidewalk,andIhadpaidthedriver,Ethanlacedhisfingersthroughmineaswemade

ourwaytomyapartment.

“Sothatkindofshitcertainlyhappens,”Ethansaid.Heswungourarmsbetween

us,bitingdownonhislowerlipandsmilingdownatmeaswewalked.He’dbeentelling

mesomeofthemostbizarrestoriesaboutpeoplewhohadundergonethesamesurgeryas

hehad.“Therewasaguytheyputheadphonesonandaskedhiminhisrightearwhathe

wantedtodoforaliving,andhislefthandwrotedownthathewantedtobearacecar

driver.Whentheyaskedthesamequestionintohisleftear,hewrotewithhisrighthand

thathewantedtobeadraftsman.Oh—andifyoushowjustoneofmyeyesapictureof

somethingandaskmetodrawit,I’llalwaysdrawitbetterwithmylefthandeventhough

I’mright-handed.Howfuckedupisthat?It’sbecauseyourrightbrainisbetterat

drawing,Iguess.”

“It’sactuallyreallyfascinating,”Isaidtruthfully.Weenteredtheelevator,andI

pushedthebuttonformyfloor.“Butit’salsokindofscaryinaway,youknow?”

“Yeah,Iknow,”Ethansaidwithanod.“Icanlivewillallthatstuffprettyeasily.

Notbeingabletoreadisamuchbiggerdeal.Alotofthesplitbrainstuffiskindafunny,

likeImentionedbeforewhenIkeptpassingthedonutssign.Sometimesit’sjustfreaky,

likeearlier.”

“Doyouthink…um,bothofyouwanttotalktomenow?”

Ethanlaughed.

“There’sstillonlyoneofme,goofball,”hesaid.“It’sjustthatwhenIcan’tmake

upmymind,Idon’talwaysrealizeIcan’tmakeupmymind.Youshouldseemewhen

Andiisbitchingatmetoeathealthier,andIstartmakingasaladwithHershey’ssyrupfor

dressing!”

“You’rekidding!”Igasped.Theelevatorbeepedatusaswereachedmyfloor.

Westeppedouttogether,andIpulledmyhandoutofhistodigthroughmypurseforthe

keys.

“OfcourseIam.”Hesmirked.“ButIhavehadonehandgraborangejuiceandthe

otheronegrabacanofCokeatthesametime.I’llsitdownatthetableandlookdown,

realizingIhaveboth.”

“Thathastobealittleodd.”

“Yesandno,”Ethansaid.HeheldopenthedoorformeafterIunlockedit,andwe

bothwentinside.“Really,everyonedoesit,butmostpeopledoitintheirheadsfirstand

thenact.Iactfirst,andhowIacttellsmeI’mindecisive.Usually,nooneexceptme

noticesithappensatall,buttimesliketodaymakeitkindofobvious.”

Ethanlookedaroundmyapartment,takingintheneutraldécorandcheckingout

mystereosystem.Ihungmypurseonitshookandtookhisbackpackfromhim,layingit

downonthefloornexttothedoor.

“Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?”Iasked.

“OrangejuiceandCoke,please,”Ethansaidwithawink.“Nah.Really,I’mfine.”

“Well,I’mgoingtohavesomewineifthat’sokaywithyou.”

“Ofcourse.”

IsteppedintothekitchenandpulledoutawineglassandthehalfbottleofMerlotI

hadstartedthedaybefore.Afterpouringaglass,Iwentbackintothelivingroom,where

EthanwaspullingoutDVDsfromtheirdisplaycasesoneatatime,lookingatthecovers

ofeachone.

“Youlikeromanticcomedies,huh?”hesaid.

“Iguessso,”Ireplied.“They’reanicedistractionfromschoolworkanyway.”

“Doyouhavealotofschoolworktogetdonetonight?”Ethanasked.Helooked

outtowardsthedoorwayandranoneofhishandsthroughhishair,tossingitalloverthe

place.“Idon’twantto…tobeintheway.”

Ilookedupathim,andEthanlookeddownathisfeetforamomentwithhisbrow

furrowed.

“Youaren’tintheway,”Isaidquietly.Heglancedbackupandblushed.

“Idon’tknowwhattosaynow.”Hesteppedfromonefoottotheother.“I’mnot

verygoodat…well,makingup,Iguess?That’swhatthisis,right?”

“Iwantittobe.”

“SodoI.”

Iplacedmywineglassonthecoffeetableandtookafewstepsclosertohim.

Reachingout,Itookbothhishandsinmine.Helookedatthemforamomentbefore

lookingbackintomyeyes.Hisbeautifulhalfsmileappeared,andhisblushdeepenedas

hepulledmecloseandkissedmesoftly.Ireturnedthefavorandthenraisedmyhandsup

andaroundhisneck,twistingthemintohishairandholdinghimcloser.Ifelthistongue

againstmymouthandopenedtohim.

Ethangroanedandwrappedhisarmsaroundmywaist,grippingmetightly.

“Ididn’tthinkwe’deverdothisagain,”hesaid,movingawayfrommylipsand

kissingupmyjawtomyear.“IneverthoughtI’dtouchyoulikethisagain.Ithurtso

muchjustthinkingaboutit…”

“Ethan,I’msosorry.Inevermeanttohurtyou.”

Pullingback,heopenedhiseyesandlookedatme,ranhistongueoverhislip

rings,andsighed.

“Iknowyoudidn’tmeanto,”hesaidsoftly.“Iguesstherehavealwaysbeen

peopleI’veknownwhoreallycareaboutthatkindofstuff,butIjustneverhave.Ididn’t

knowwhatIshoulddo.Ilikeyousomuch…”

“Ilikeyou,too.”Iplacedmypalmagainsthischeek.“I’mnotgoingtopretend

thatit’sgoingtobeeasyformetojustforgetallthatstuff.Whoyouareinsideiswhat’s

important.Iknowthat,butI’vealwaysbeentaughtthatyoushowwhoyouarebyyour

appearance.Thepeopleinmylife,theyaren’tgoingtojustacceptyou.Inmyworld,that

reflectsonmeandmyfather.”

Ethannarrowedhiseyes,contemplating.

“IguessIneverthoughtofitthatway,”hesaid.“Myparentsnevermadeabig

dealoutofclothesorwhatever.Ialwayshadnicestuff,butIdidn’twanttostandout

whenitcametothepeopleIcaredabout,sowhentheyweregone,Ialwayswentshopping

withFaithattheplacesshecouldafford.Idon’twanttheotherstoknowIhavemoney

because…well,becausetheydon’t,andthey’dneveracceptanythingfrommeifImadeit

obvious.”

“Itsoundslikethesamekindofthing,”Isaid.“It’sjusttheoppositeendofthe

spectrum.You’rehidingthefactthatyouhavemoneyforthesakeoffittinginwithyour

friends.”

“Iguessyouhaveapointthere.”Ethanchewedonhislipforamoment,

contemplating.“ButwhenItoldthemaboutyou,andwhereyouweregoingtoworkand

shit,theyallfiguredoutyouwereprettywelloff,andnoneofthemcared.Well,aslong

asyou,um,didn’tdoanythingthatwould…shit.Ishouldn’tbringthatupnow.”

“AslongasIdidn’thurtyou.”

“Yeah.”

“WhatcanIdototakeitback?”

“Youcan’t,”Ethansaidstoically.“What’sdoneisdone.Youcan’tevertakeback

somethingyousaidordidinthepast.Youjusthavetogoforward.Justdon’tdothat

again.Please.”

“Iwon’t,”Ipromised.“I’msorry.Ireallyam.”

“Iknow.”Ethansmiled.“AndIthinkIunderstandthatit’snotgoingtobeeasy

foryou—ormeeither,forthatmatter.Butaslongaswesticktogether,weshouldbe

okay,right?”

“Yes,Ithinkwewill.”

“Areweallmadeupnow?”heasked.Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.

“Ithinkso.Whatdoyouthink?”

“Ithinkthere’sonemorethingtodotomakeitofficial.”Heraisedhiseyebrows

andslidhishandalittlelower,pastthesmallofmyback,andgrippedmybackside.He

pulledmeinclosetohim,andIcouldfeelhisdesirepressedupagainstme.

“Ithinkyoumightberight,”Ireplied.

Hekissedtheundersideofmyjaw,stillholdingmyhipsagainsthisthighs,soI

couldfeelhowhardhewasashepressedintomystomach.Ireacheddownandranmy

handoverthesideofhislength,throughthedenim.Hepushedharderagainstme,andhis

lipsfoundmine,eagerlysuckingandlicking.Iplacedbothhandsonhishipsandbrought

himevennearer.

Withmyfingersatthetopedgeofhisjeans,Iworkedmywaytotheskinathis

sidesandthenliftedmyhands—takinghisshirtwithme.Ethanobliginglyraisedhis

armssoIcouldtakeitoffaltogether,revealingthedragononhisshoulderandtheloving

flowersonhischest,wheremyhandshadtotouchandexamine.WhileIexploredthe

planesofhischestwithmyfingers,Ethancreatedatrailofsmallkissesfrommyneckto

myupperarmandthenbackagainbeforedoingthesameontheotherside.Idroppedone

ofmyhandsagain,thistimesnakingbetweenmystomachandhiserection,palminghim.

Allofasudden,mybackwasupagainstthewallnexttothecouch,andmylegs

werewrappedtightlyaroundEthan’storso.Hecoveredmymouthwithhis,kissingme

frantically—hisneedasdeepasmyown.

“Where’syourbedroom?”Ethan’svoicerangthroughmyears,andforaminute,I

wasdistractedenoughtohavetothinkabouttheanswer.“Becauseifwedon’tgetthere

soon,I’mgoingtotakeyourighthereagainstthewall.”

“Downthehall,ontheleft,”IsaidwhenIcametomysensesagain.Heshiftedhis

griponmybacksideandcarriedmethroughtheapartment,bangingopenmybedroom

doorandgoingstraighttothebed.Ididn’tknowifhetrippedrightashegotthere,orif

hejustthrewusbothdown,butweendedupinaheapontopoftheduvet.

Hegrippedmyhairandcoveredmymouthagain.Iranmyfingersuphisarms,

overhisbiceps,acrosshisshouldersandintohishair.Ifeltthesilverhoopslacedthrough

hisearlobe,andthepadofmythumbcaressedthemslowly.

“Fuck,I’mgoingtobustrightoutofmyjeans,”Ethansaid,panting.

“Thengetthemoff!”Iyelled,thenrealizedIwasyellingandfeltheatrisetomy

face.Ethanchuckledlowandthengotuponhiskneesbetweenmylegs,lookingintomy

eyesasheslowlyunbuttonedhisjeans.Iwhimpered,andmyheartstartedpoundingas

thathalfsmilecreptoverhisfacejustashefinishedunfasteningthelastbuttonandslowly

pushedhisjeansdownoverhiships.

Hehadgonecommando.

“MyGod,Ethan,youaregoingtokillme,”Imumbledasthefabricslowly

revealedhisbeautiful,thick,hardcock.Holyshit,Iwasafuckingmesswhenitcameto

thatdick,anditmademefeellikeacompleteslut,butIdidn’tcare.Iranmytongueover

mylipsandglancedupatEthan.Thecornersofhismouthtwitched,andheswallowed

hard.“Iwantyou.”

Iliftedmyhipstohelphimremovemyskirtandpantiesandthentwistedtothe

sidetoyankmyshirtupovermyheadandtossitoffthebed.

“Ilovethese,”Ethanremarkedasheflickedthehookbetweenmybreasts,which

causedmybratofalltomyshoulders.Ishruggeditoff.“Definitelyeasiertotakeoff

thantheoneswiththehookintheback.”

Ethanglancedofftotheside,blushingandshakinghisheadathimself.Helooked

backatmeandreachedoutformyhand,whichheusedtopullmeintoasittingpositionin

frontofhim.Heplacedbothofhishandsonmyshouldersandthenslowlytrailedthetips

ofhisfingersovertheoutsidesofmyarms,thenovertomyhipsandbackupagainaround

thefront,barelybrushingovermybreastsandnipplesontheirwaybackuptomy

shoulders,tomyneck,tomyjaw.

Heleanedinandranhislipsovermine,andIreachedoutwithmytonguetotaste

himandthensuckedthesilverloopsthroughhislipintomymouth,makinghimgroan.I

ranmyhandacrosshisstomachandthenlower,wrappingaroundhisshaftandstrokingit.

“Thatfeelssogood,”hemumbledwithhislipsstillonmymouth.Ibitdown

gentlyandfelthishandstightenagainstmyflesh.“Fuck,Iwantyousobad.”

“Takeme,”Iofferedsimply,becausetherewasn’tanythingIwantedmoreatthat

moment.EthanroseuponhiskneesabitandguidedmebackwardsuntilIwaslyingon

thebedagain.Hepulledbackalittle.

“Doyou,um,haveanycondoms?”

Chapter21—Resolve

“Yes,”Isaid,snickering,“inthetopdrawerofthedresser.”

Helookedatmeincredulously.

“Didyoujustbuythemtoday,knowingIwasgoingtocomeover?”Ethanstarted

laughingsohardhehadtoholdhisstomach.Iturnedbrightred,pushedhimbackwards

sohefellagainstthemattress,andclimbedontopofhim.Ismackedhischestandyelled

athimtoshutup,buthedidn’tlisten.Instead,hewrappedhislongarmsaroundme,andI

wassuddenlyonmybackagainwithEthan’ssmilingfaceaboveme.

“Youareobnoxious!”Isaidtohim.

“Moi?”Ethanplacedhishandinthemiddleofhisbarechest,feigninginnocence.

“Youstartedit.”

“WhatdidIdo?”

“Mademefeellikeacompleteletchforhavingcondomsinthefirstplace,”he

said.“AndnowIfindoutyouhaveawholepileoftheminyourunderweardrawer!”

“Howdoyouknowthat’smyunderweardrawer?”

“Allwomenkeeptheirunderwearintheirtopdrawer,”Ethanrepliedwithawink.

Hejumpedoffmeandyankedopenthetopdresserdrawer,whichwas,infact,fullofmy

underwear.Isawhimglancearoundatthedrawer’scontentsbeforeturningbackand

winkingatme.“Iknewit!”

“Shutup!”Ilaughed.

“Atleastitisn’taneconomyboxoffivehundredoranything.”Ethansmirkedas

heturnedthesmallboxofcondomsoverinhishands.

“Youdidnotjustsaythat!”Igrabbedoneofthepillowsandtosseditathim.It

wentwideandwouldlikelyhavebrokenmytablelampifEthanhadn’tcaughtit.

“Goodtoremember—Ashlyn’saimsucks.”Ethantappedhislefttemple.

“Youbetterstopthat,orI’mgoingtofindsomeschoolworktodo!”

“Idon’tthinkyoureallywanttodothat.”Ethanturnedandfixedhisintensestare

atme,thenslowlyraisedhishand,holdingasinglesquarepackagebetweenhisfingers.

Heraisedthecornertohismouth,thenbitdown,tearingthetopedgewithhisteeth.

Usingtwofingers,hepulledthecondomfromitspackagingandhelditupformetosee.

AllthecomedicfeelingsdisappearedasIwatchedhimlowerhishandsuntilthey

reachedthebaseofhiscock.Hewrappedhislongfingersaroundhimself,slowlystroking

upanddown,hiseyesnarrowingslightly.IcouldhaveswornIheardhimmoanalittle.

Hisotherhandtouchedthetipofhiscockwiththecondom,andthenbothhandsworked

togethertoslowlyunrollitdownhisshaft.Assoonasitwasproperlyinplace,Ethan

leaptfromthefloortothebed,coveringmeinstantlywithhisbody,hishands,hismouth.

Andjustlikethat,wewentfromplayfulandsillytointenseandall-consuming.

Hecoveredmybodywithhishands,andhishotbreathonmyshouldermimickedmyown

panting.Hefoundtheskinonmyneckwithhislips,andthecoolmetaloftheliprings

mademeshiverwhentheytouchedme.Imovedmyhandaroundfromhisbacktohis

front,lettingmyfingerstraceoveroneofhisnipplerings,flickingitwithmythumbalong

theway.

“Iwantto—no,needto—beinsideyou,”Ethanwhisperedintomyear.“Ineed

you…somuch.”

“Please…”Iechoedhissentiments.“Don’twait.Please…”

Justlikethefirsttime,heguidedhimselfintomybodyandenteredmeso,so

slowly,gentlyandtenderly,itwasalmostenoughtomakemycry.Oncehewas

completelyencompassed,hedroppedhisforeheadtomychestandbreathedagainstmy

skin,tryingtocalmhimself.

“Shit,Ashlyn.Youfeelsogood…soright.”

Itiltedmyhips,pushingupagainsthimanddrivinghimthesmallestfraction

deeper.Hegaspedandreacheddowntograspmyhipwithonehand,whileheplacedthe

othernexttomyheadforbalance.Ilookedupintohiseyesashestartedtomoveinside

me,rockingsmoothlyupagainstmyclitandmakinglittlemoanscomeoutofmymouth

witheachofhislengthy,thoroughthrusts.Afteraveryshorttime,Ifeltthetension

buildingwithinme,andItightenedmyholdonhisshouldersashemovedonlyslightly

faster,swivelinghishipsashereachedmydepths.

“Youlikethat,baby?”

“Oh…God…Ethan!Ughh!!”Iscreamedoutincoherentlywithmyeyessqueezed

shut.Ipushedmyhipsuptomeethisandpulledhimdeeperinside.Withmylegs

wrappedaroundhiswaist,thesensationsrocketedthroughmybody.Myeyesslowly

openedbacktohis.

“Sobeautiful,”Ethansaid,hiseyesstilllockedonmine.“Icoulddothistoyou

forhours,justtowatchyourfacewhenyoucome.”

I’msureIblushedbutwasdistractedbythemovementbetweenusandstarted

watchinghimmovebackandforth,inandoutofmeasmymusclestightenedinmylegs,

andEthanincreasedhisspeed.Slippingmyhandsfromhisbacktohischest,Iranmy

thumbsoverbothofhisnipples,rightbeforecatchingtheringsbetweentwofingersand

pullinggentlyonthem.

Ethangasped,buckedintomeand—quiteliterally—screamed.

“Ohfuck!Fuck!Yeah!OhGod,Ashlyn!Ashlyn!”Heslammedhishipsagainst

me,hishandwrappingaroundmybacksideandpullingmeupagainsthimashethrust

harder.Ifelthisentirebodyshudderrightbeforehecollapsedontopofme.

“HolyMary,MotherofGod,”hemumbled.“I’mnotCatholic,butIfeellikeI

oughttogoconfesstosomething!”

Ibitdownonmylip,tryingtostopthesmilefrombreakingfree.

“Christ,thatwasfuckingincredible!”

“You’reincredible,”Isaid,slidingmyfeetoverhisrearendandthendownthe

backsofhisthighs.

Ethanraisedhisheadandlookedatmeagain,hislipscurlingupinabeautiful

smileandhishairhanginginhiseyes.Ireachedupandbrusheditoffhisforehead.

“I’msogladI’mherewithyou,”hesaid.Hissmiledroppedsuddenlyandhis

voicebecamedark.“Ididn’tthinkwe’dever…Ididn’t…fuck.Idon’teverwanttolose

you.”

“Idon’twanttoloseyoueither,”Isaid,wrappingmyarmsbackaroundhimand

holdinghischestagainstmine.“Iwasacompletemesstodaywithoutyou.”

“Ithought…well,Ididn’tknowwhattothink.Iwassoupset,butIalsomissed

yousomuch.Iknowthatdoesn’tevenmakeanysensewhenwe’veonlyknowneach

otheracoupleofdays,butthinkingaboutnotseeingyouanymorewasjustdownright

painful.”

“Imissedyou,too,”Isaid.“Everythinghappenedsofast,andthenyouweregone,

andIcouldn’ttakeitback.Ilookedandlookedforyou,butIcouldn’tfindyou

anywhere.”

“HowdidyoufindGwenandCeeCee’splace?”

“Alferotoldmewheretheylived.”

“I’mgoingtohavetofindsomewaytothankhim,”Ethansaid.“Thoughhonestly,

Iprobablywouldhavegonelookingforyoueventually.EventhoughIwasmad,Ihated

notseeingyou.”

“Youhadeveryrighttobemad.”

“Istillshouldn’thavetakenofflikethat,”Ethansaid.“Ishouldhavegivenyou

moreofachance.”

“Ididn’tdeserveone,”Iwhispered.Itriedtokeepthetearsfromcomingback.

“I’mjustgladyouwerewillingtotalktomeagain…givemeanotherchance.”

“Iam,too.”

Ethanpulledmeclosetohim,kissingmyclosedeyes,thenmynoseandmylips.

Hemovedhishandstomyhips,hisfingersgrippingmyskinasthekissdeepened,andI

tuggedathishair.Werolledtogetheruntilhewasontopofme,kissingmeslowlyand

completely,hisfingerstrailingupanddownmysides.Heturnedhisheadsuddenly,

restinghisforeheadonmyshoulderforamomentbeforesittingupandlookingdownat

me.

“Ishouldprobablygo,”Ethansaidwithanotherblush.“Youstillhaveschoolwork

todo,andit’sgettinglate.”

“Youcouldstay,”Isaidsoftly.Ibitmybottomlipbutforcedmyselftoreleaseit.

Ethansmiledhishalfsmile.

“ItoldeveryoneIwasjusttakingyouhome.I’malreadygoingtohavetododge

alltheirquestionsaboutwhyittooksolong.”

“Oh,yeah,”Isaid.“Ididn’tthinkaboutthat.”

“I’dratherstay,”hesaid.Heranhisfingersdownthelengthofmybarearm,

sendingchillsthroughmybody.“Idefinitelywanttoseeyoutomorrowifthat’sokay.”

“Definitelyokay,”Itoldhim.ThenIrememberedtomorrowwasTuesday.“Oh…

shit.”

“What?”

“I’msupposedtoseemydadtomorrow.”

“Oh.”

“Ishouldbedoneintheafternoon,butIwillhavesomeschoolworktodothen.

Maybewecanatleastmeetforalittlewhileinbetween?”

“Thatwouldbeawesomeifyoucanswingit.”Ethanpulledmeclosetohimfora

moment,thenletgo.“Ishouldgetgoing.”

Inoddedreluctantly,andEthangotupandpulledhisclothesbackon.Iwrapped

myselfupinarobeandwalkedhimtothedoor.

“IknowIhavelunchwithDadtomorrow,”Itoldhim.“Ifyouletmeknowwhere

youareintheafternoon,Icouldcomemeetyousomewhere.I’llhavemycarwithme.”

“Worksforme!”Iwasblessedwithafull-onsmiletomatchhisbright,sparkling

eyes.

“I’llcallyouifIhavetochangeanythingatthelastminute,”Isaid.“Younever

knowwithmydad.”

“Well,letmeknowwhatyoudecidetodo.”Ethankissedthesideofmymouth

sweetlyandthenopenedthedoorbehindhim.“Iknowthenextcoupleofweeksare

goingtobereallybusyforyou,butI’dliketoseeyouwheneveryoudohavethetime.”

“Definitely,”Iagreed.“I’llseeyoutomorrow.”

Iwatchedhimwalkdownthehallalittlewaysbeforeshuttingthedoorand

leaningbackagainstitwithasigh.Asuddenfeelingofgenuinereliefwashedoverme,

almostbringingtearstomyeyes,andjustasquickly,afeelingofdreadreplacedit.Iwas

goingtohavetodowhatItoldhimIwoulddo.Iwasgoingtohavetotelleveryoneabout

mynewboyfriend,startingwithMr.MilesDraganov.

Chapter22—Position

“Areyougoingtotellmewhat’sbotheringyou?”

Iglancedupatmyfatherandthenquicklylookedbackdowntomychicsushi

lunch.ImusthavebeentooquietbecauseitwasrareforhimtonoticewhenIwasoff-

kilter.Idecidedonthestraightforwardapproach,andfiguredIwouldjustspititoutallat

once.

“Well…”

“Somethingupwithschool?”heasked.“Youknowyoudon’thavetoworryabout

yourGPAatthispoint.You’vegotthejob.”

“No,nothinglikethat,”Isaid,tryingtoreassurehim.Itookadeepbreath,butI

stillcouldn’tfindthewords.

“Ishouldwarnyou,”Dadsaid,“Vanessahasalreadybegunmakingpreparations

foryourgraduationluncheon.Shesaidshedidn’texpectyoutoprepareaspeech,butyou

mightwanttothinkaboutsayingafewwords.Youdon’thavetodeliveradissertation.

Nothingmorethanthankingeveryonefortheirsupportandall.”

“I’msureIcandothat.”

“Graduationinorderandjobsecured,sowhatelsecouldyoupossiblybeworried

about?”

Iopenedmymouth,butnowordsemerged.Somuchforjustspittingitout.I

couldgetthroughthis—Ihadto.Icouldn’tcontinuetohideEthanfrommyfriendsand

family.Itwasn’tright,andIhadpromisedEthanIwouldcomecleantomyfathertoday.

Iwasn’tgoingtogobackonmywordtohim,soIhadtofindmyvoice.

“It’sjust…well,I’mseeingsomeone.”Myheartbegantopoundandmystomach

wentintoafreefall.Thewordswereout,andnowIwascommittedtothedreaded

conversation.Isquaredmyshouldersandgrippedmychopstickstightly.

“Areyounow?”Dadraisedaneyebrowandgavemealittlegrin.

“Yes.”Itookalong,slowbreath,tryingtocalmmyself.

“Doeshehaveaname?”Dadglancedaroundthecafeteriaasifhewerelookingto

spythefamilyofthemanImightbedating.

“Ofcoursehehasaname.”

“DoIgettohearwhatitis?”Dadleanedbackinhischairandtappedhisfingers

againstthetable.

“Well,yes,ofcourse.”IpausedandstaredatmyCaliforniaroll.

“Spititout,Ash.”

Itookadeepbreath.Icouldn’tdelaythisanylonger,andtherewasnotakingit

backnow.Withonelast,deepinhale,Ispititout.

“It’s…it’sEthanRamsey.”

Dadwentcompletelystillforamoment,andthenhiseyesnarrowedandhis

fingersclampeddownonhischopsticks.Allofasudden,heslammedhischopstickson

thesideofhisplateandstoppedchewing.Hewasstaringatmymouthasifhethought

someotherwordsweregoingtopopoutofitinstead.Hiscarefullysculptedmoustache

twitched.

“YouareseeingEthanRamsey?”

Foramoment,Icouldhavesworntheentirelunchroomwentcompletelysilent.I

thinkeventhecafeteriaemployeesstoppedtalking.

“Yes.”MyvoicesoundedalotmoreunsureandtimidthanIhadplanned.

“Forhowlong?”

“Notlongatall,”Isaid.Ifeltbeadsofsweatstartingtocollectonthebackofmy

neckbelowmyhairline.“Wemetafewweeksago,soit’sarecentthing.”

“Well,cutitoffnow,”Dadsaid.Hepickedupthechopsticksoncemoreand

shovedanothersalmonrollintohismouth.Abitofwasabigotstuckinhismoustache,

whichhewipedawaywithabeigelinennapkin.Thegesturewasdismissive,anditpissed

meoff.

Igrittedmyteethandstaredstraightintohiseyes.

“I’mnotgoingtocutitoff,Dad.”

“Likehellyou’renot,”hesaid.Thoughhiswordswereangry,hekepthisvoice

lowandcalm.“Asidefromthefactthathe’sstillinhighschool—”

“He’snot,”Isaid.“Hegraduated.”

“Regardless,”Dadsaid,stillkeepinghisvoicelow,“he’swaytooyoung.Besides

that,EthanRamseyiscompletelyoffhisrocker.He’sgotbraindamage,andheturned

intoacompletefreakafterhisparentsdied.Idon’tknowwhathe’stoldyou—”

“Hetoldmeallaboutthat,”Isaid.“Iknowwhat’she’sbeenthrough.”

“Didhetellyouaboutcomingtoseeustowithdraw$100,000incashsohecould

payoffashadyattorneytoemancipatehim?Didhetellyouaboutcominginhere,tothe

executiveoffices,andhavingacompleteandtotalbreakdown,whichresultedinhis

hospitalizationforamonth?Didhetellyouaboutbuyinghisfriends’apartmentbuilding

afewweeksagoattwiceitsmarketvaluejustsohecouldlowertheirrent?I’mnoteven

goingtogointotheridiculoustattoosandpiercingsandwhatnot.BrysonRamseyis

probablyrollingoverinhisgraveoverthatboy’sbehavior.Ifhisparentshadn’tbeensuch

valuableclients,Imighthaveaskedhimtomovehisinvestmentselsewhere.”

“Youwouldnot,”Isaid,tryingtoignoreallthedisturbinginformationmyfather

hadprovided.Ethanboughtthatnastyoldapartmentbuilding?Abreakdownresultingin

amonthinthehospital?Ipushedthosethoughtsaside.“You’dneverleta$3.2billion

dollarportfoliowalkoutofthedoor.”

“Atleastyoudidyourhomeworkonhim.”

“Dad,please.”Itookadeepbreathandletitoutslowly.NomatterwhatIdid,my

heartcontinuedtopoundrelentlessly.“Thisisn’texactlyeasyforme,butIreallylike

him.Iknowwehaveourdifferences,butIthinkwe’llbeabletoworkthemout.Iwant

yoursupport.”

“WhathappenedtothatColeguyyouwereseeinglastyear?”Dadinquiredwitha

lameattempttodivertthetopic.“Hecamefromagoodfamily,andhisbrainwasintact.”

“Iwouldn’tsaythat,”Imumbled.Ireachedupandabsentmindedlyrubbedthe

tinyscarundermybottomlipandlooselydebatedtellinghimexactlywhathadhappened

withColebutdecidedagainstit.Hisparentswerestillclients.“Colewasdefinitelynot

rightforme,Dad.”

“Whataboutthatotherguy,theoneyoubroughttoVanessa’sChristmasdinner?”

“JustinMarks?”Iwassurprisedmyfatherevenrememberedtheguy.Hewasat

theuniversityonafullscholarship,andDadwouldn’tevengivehimasecondlook.

“Yeah,somethinglikethat.”

“Weonlywentoutonce.He’sdatingoneofZoey’sfriendsnow.”

“Well,therehastobesomeone.”Dadrosehalfwayoutofhisseatandactually

startedlookingaroundtheDraganovFinancialcafeteriaasifheweregoingtofindmy

perfectmatch,orderingfromthesurfandturfstation.

“Dad,IlikeEthan,”IsaidasstronglyasIcould.Iknewthiswasgoingtobebad;

Ijustknewit.IwashopingEthan’sfamilyfortunewouldhavebeenenoughformyfather

toatleastgivehimachance,butIhadn’tknownabouthisotherencounterswithEthan.

Healreadyhadhisopinion,andnothingIsaidwasgoingtochangehismind.

“Forgetit.”Dadstoodandtossedhisnapkinoverhisplate.“Iknowyouhave

schoolworktodo,sowe’lljustcutthisshort.I’llseeyouSundayforgolf.Ifyouhavea

suitabledate,feelfreetobringhimalongtoVanessa’sluncheon.Ifyoucan’tfind

someoneappropriate,I’dbehappytofindsomeoneforyou!”

Hemarchedoffandleftmesittingtherewithmymouthopen.Ifumedfora

moment,tryingtokeepthehottearsfromfallingfrommyeyes.Itookacoupleofdeep

breathsandstoodupalittleshakily.Leavingmytrayonthetable,Imademywaytothe

parkinggarage,mindlesslysmilingandwavingatvariousemployeesasIescapedthe

building.

RightaboutthetimeIreachedmycar,myphonebeepedwithanincomingtext

message.Ialmostignoredit,assumingitwasmoreharassmentfrommyfather,butwhen

Ifinallylooked,IsawitwasfromEthan.

Iknowyouhaveschoolwork,butIwantedyoutoknowI’matGibbsParkincase

youcanstopbythisafternoon.Missyou.Ethan.PSFaithwrotethisforme.

Icouldn’thelpbutsmile,andallthoughtsofmyoverbearing,controllingfather

vanishedfrommyheadasvisionsofEthan’ssparklingeyestooktheirplace.Iimagineda

lush,greenparkfulloftreesandapondfullofducks.Aquietwalkintheparkactually

soundedlikeafantasticidea.Ihadneverbeentotheonehementioned,butIfounditon

myGPSwhenIgottothecar.IdrovepastafewabandonedwarehousebuildingsuntilI

finallypulledintothelittleparkinglotindicatedbythewoman’svoiceontheGPS.

AsIlookedaround,IrealizedEthanandIhaddifferentdefinitionsofapark.

Chapter23—Expectations

Achainlinkfenceenclosedwhatlookedlikeanoldtenniscourt.Insteadofnets

andthelike,thereweretwocurvedstructurespaintedwithgraffiti.Aboutadozenguys

andgirlsonbikeswerezoomingupanddownthem,flyingintotheairwhentheygotto

thetopandthentwistingaroundsotheycouldlandwithoutkillingthemselves.

Eventhoughhisheadwascoveredwithahelmet,IimmediatelyspottedEthanon

hisdarkgreenbikeasheflewpastacoupleotherridersanduponeoftheslopes.He

soaredhighintotheair,twistedinacompletebackflip,andlandedeasilyontheramp

belowtothecheeringofsomeoftheotherkidsinthepark.

MySaabchirpedasIlockedit,whichcausedabunchofthekidstoturnaround

andtakenotice.IcouldfeeltheheatriseintomyfaceasIstartedwalkinguptothegate.

“Hey,chickie!”oneoftheguyscalledout.“That’sasweetride.Dotheseatsgo

allthewayback?”

ThegrouparoundhimstartedtolaughuntilEthanrodestraightthroughthewhole

pileofthemandputhishandontheguy’sshoulder.

“Bepolite,”hesaidsoftly.“Iinvitedherhere.”

“Thisyourgirlfriend,E?”TheguylaughedasEthanblushed.“Myapologies,

prettylady.WelcometoGibbsPark.”

“Ashlyn,thisisOtis.”Ethanjumpedoffhisbikeandreachedformyhand.“Otis,

thisisAshlyn.”

Heintroducedmetoaboutnineotherkids,buttherewasnowayIwasgoingto

rememberallthenames.IgreetedthegroupandallowedEthantoleadmeovertoarusted

benchwithagoodviewoftheramps.IspottedCeeCee’shugeformalmostimmediately.

Faithwasrightbehindhimastheytwistedandturned,crossingeachotherintheairbefore

landingneatlyontheramp.

“CeeCee,Faith,andGwenarestillriding,”Ethansaidashepointedouteach

personinturn.

“Who’sGwen?”

“Oh,sorry,”Ethansaidwithaslightblush.“GwenisFaith’sgirlfriend.Shewas

therewhenyoucameto,um,talktomelastnight.I’msorryIdidn’treallydoanyformal

introductions.”

“That’sokay,”Isaid.“Idon’tthinkthatwasatthetopofmylistofthingsto

accomplishyesterday.I’mgladtherewillbeotheropportunities.”

“Me,too.”

“Is,um,”Iglancedaround,“isAndreahere?”

“Andreahadtoworktoday.”

“Wheredoesshework?”Iasked,tryingnottosoundasrelievedasIwas.

“She’sawaitressattheIHOPoveronCoxRoad,”Ethansaidandthenstartedto

laughhysterically.

“What’ssofunny?”Iasked.

“Well,shestartedtherewhentheyfirstopenedtherestaurant,”Ethansaid.“They

werealltoldthatwhentheyansweredthephone,theyshouldsay,‘IHOPon…’andthen

thenameofthestreetwherethey’relocated.Soforthefirstweek,theykeptgettingphone

callsconstantly,withpeoplejustcalling,listeningtotheirgreeting,andthenhangingup,

usuallylaughing.”

“Idon’tgetit,”Isaid.

“Thinkaboutit,”Ethansaidwithaslysmirk.“It’sonCoxRoad.Sowhenthey

pickedupthephone,theywouldsay,‘IHOPonCox.’”

Istartedlaughingwithhimthattime.

“Sowhatdidtheydo?”

“NowtheyanswerwithIHOPonly.”Ethanshotmehisdouble-barreledsmile,and

Ishiftedalittleinmyseat.Ethangrippedmyhandandnoddedhisheadtowardthe

bicyclists.“Checkthatout.”

IlookedtowherehewaspointingandsawCeeCeeflyingdownoneoftheramps,

goingairborneandspinningthebikearoundandaroundonitsframe—atleastthreetimes

—beforelandingontheotherrampandridingbackdownagain.Irecognizedthelanky

blondwomanfromyesterday—Gwen—asshefollowedsuit,landingonjustonewheel

andreachingthebottomoftherampbeforetheotherwheeleventouchedtheground.

“Prettycool,huh?”Ethansmiledhisglorioussmile.

“It’skindofscary,”Isaid.“Itseemsliketheycouldgetreallyhurt.”

“We’vehadourshareofbrokenarmsandstuff,”Ethantoldme.“Nothingscarier

thanoneguy,acouplemonthsago,wholandedonhisbackandneck.Iwastheonly

personaround,andIhadtocall9-1-1togethimtothehospital.Hewasreallyoutofit,

andtheykeptgivingmeformstofilloutonhisbehalf,whichofcourse,Icouldn’tread.I

flippedoutonanursewhogotreallyimpatientwithme.Itwasn’ttoobadintheend,

though.Hehadaconcussion,buthewasokayafewdayslater.”

“I’msurprisedyoudon’tstayawayfromstufflikethis,”Isaid.“Aren’tyouafraid

ofgettinghurtagain?”

“Sometimes,”hesaid,“butifIhadbeenhurtinacaraccident,wouldyouadvocate

neverdrivingagain?”

“Goodpoint,”Isaidwithasmile.

“Canwehavedinnertogethertonight?”Ethanaskedabruptly.

“IhavetwopresentationstogiveonMonday,”Isaid.“Istillhavealotofworkto

doonthem.IthinkI’llhavetoskipdinnerandjustmakesomethingquickatmyplace.”

“Later?”heasked,hopeful.

“Icancomeby,”Isaid.“MaybewecanreadabitmoreDuneifthereistime?”

“I’dreallylikethat.”

“ButifI’mstayingover,itcan’tbealatenight.Istillhavetogetupearlyandhit

thelibraryonelasttime.”

“Well,maybewecanfindsomewayofwearingyououtsoyousleepwell,”Ethan

saidwithasmirk.

“IseemtosleepprettywellwhenI’mwithyou.”Igrinnedupathimandtwisted

myfingersaroundinhishand.“Youwearmeout.”

“Youwearmeout,too,”Ethansaid.Heleanedoverandkissedmesoftly.“Ithink

sleepingatmyplacewithyouisalotmoreappealingthansleepingonCeeCeeand

Gwen’scouch.”

“IguessI’llhavetocomeover,then.”

“Good!”

Ethanleanedinclosetomeagain,brushinghislipsovermymouthanddownmy

chin.Whistlesandcatcallsemanatedfromthebikeridersallaroundthepark.Heseemed

soateaseandrelaxed,evenwitheveryonewatchingus,Iwonderedhowhemanagedto

takeeverythinginstridethewayhedid.ItremindedmeoftheconversationIhadwith

mydadwhenhementionedthesupposedbreakdownEthanhadintheoffice.Whenhe

leanedbackandsmiledatmeagain,IdecidedtotellhimIhadatleaststartedtomake

goodonmypromise.

“ItoldmydadIwasseeingyou.”

“Youdid?”Ethanseemedsurprisedandmaybejustabitnervousatmy

revelation.“Whatdidhesay?”

“Well,itwasn’tpretty,”Itoldhimhonestly,“butitcouldhavebeenworse,too.”

“Iguessthat’ssomething.”

“Hedoesrememberyou.”

“I’msurehedoes.”Ethanhuffedthroughhisnoseandlookedaway.

“Hesaidyou…youhadabreakdownattheoffice.”IsqueezedEthan’shand.“He

saidyouendedupinthehospitalafterward.”

“Yeah,”Ethansaidwithanod,“Idid.”

“Whathappened?”

“Itwasn’tlongafterIturnedeighteen.I’dbeendealingwiththeattorneysandthe

willandtheestateandallthatshit.Iwasstressed,andmydoctorputmeonsomeanti-

anxietymeds.Let’sjustsaytheydidn’tworkoutsowellforme.Ispentafewweeksin

thehospitaltryingtogetmymoodsundercontroluntiltheyfoundamedicationthat

worked.”

“Thatsoundsprettyrough.”

“Itwas.”Ethantookadeepbreathandlookedbackatme.“Ithreatenedtokill

myself.Yourfatherprobablyknowsthat.I’mnotsuicidalthough.Ineverreallywanted

todie;itwasjustbecauseofthemedication.I’mnotevenonanyofthosedrugs

anymore.Notformonths.”

“I’mgladtohearthat.”Ileanedagainsthimandputmyheadonhisshoulder.

“Whatelsedidyourfathersay?”

“Hedoesn’tapprove,”Isaid,“buthe’sgoingtohavetogetusedtotheidea.That

mightnothappenquicklythough.I’llhavetogiveyouthedetailstonight.Ineedtoget

backtomyschoolwork.”

“Okay.”Ethanstoodandgavemeahug,thenadeeperkissonthelips,whichwas

metbymorewhistlesandcheering.“I’mgladyoucameby.”

“Iam,too,”Isaid.

“Ashlyn?”

“Yes,Ethan?”

“Thankyoufortellinghim.Thatreallydoesmeanalottome.”

Ismiled,kissedhimonceagain,andthenheadedbacktothecar,tryingtoignore

thecontinuedcommentsandraucousclapping.Isettledintotheseatandpulledcarefully

outoftheparkinglot.

MyphonerangfourtimeswhileIwasinthecar,butwhenIsawthenamescome

up—Presley,Zoey,Isaac,andthenPresleyagain—IdecidedIstillwasn’treadytodeal

withthem.I’dseethemallSaturdaynight,andPresleywouldjusthavetokeepher

pantiesonuntilthen.Therewasanotherbeep,indicatingatextmessageafterIdidn’t

answerthelastcall.

Ipulledintotheparkinggarage,lockedthecar,andheadedtothelobbyofmy

apartmentbuilding,desperatelytryingtoignorethelooksthrownmywayfromtwofirst-

yeargradstudentsIrecalledfromtheNewYear’sEvesocial.Goodlord,hadPresley

alreadymanagedtotalktothem,too?IwasabletododgebothPresleyandherphone

callssofar,butobviouslyIcouldn’tcompletelyavoidherinfluenceevenwithpeopleI

barelyknew.Iglancedatmyphoneandreadherlasttext.

WhenyouaredonefuckingthelittleGothboyLMK.

AssoonasIwalkedthroughthedoorofmyapartment,myphonestartedringing

again.IreluctantlylookedatthecallerID.Itwasmyfather.Isighedheavilyandhitthe

greenbutton.

“Ashlyn,comeandmeetmefordinner.”

Nohellooranything.

“Ican’t,Dad.IhavetogetreadyforapresentationMonday.”

“Bull.Isthatdelinquentwithyou?”

“Ethanisnotwithme.ItoldhimthesamethingIamtellingyou.I’mnotdone

withschoolforacouplemoreweeks,andIhavealotofworktodotonight.”

Therewasalongpausebeforehespokeagain.

“Ashlyn,youhavenoideawhatyouaregettingintowiththatboy,”Dadsaid

darkly.“Hehasn’tevenheldajobsincehegotoutofhighschool,andthenhedropped

outhisfreshmanyear!Droppedout,Ashlyn!Acollegedropout!”

“Dad,Iknowallofthis.”Igroaned.Itriedtokeeptheannoyanceoutofmyvoice

asIrealizedhehadprobablyspenttherestoftheafternoonlookingupinformationonmy

boyfriend.“Ifyouwouldjustgettoknowhim—”

“That’snotgoingtohappenbecauseyouarenotgoingtokeepseeinghim.”

“Youdon’tgettomakethatdecision,”Isaidsoftly.

“Imostcertainlydo,”Dadsaid.“Whenyouaredoingsomethingstupid,I’mgoing

todosomethingaboutit.”

“It’snotstupid!”Iyelledintothephone.“Youdon’tknowhim,andyoudonotget

todecidewhoIdate!”

“Ashlyn,bereasonable…”

“No,Dad.I’mnothavingthisconversationwithyouanymore.EthanandIare

together.Maybeitwillbeshorttermormaybeitwillbelonger,buteitherway,youare

goingtohavetocometotermswithitbecauseIamnotbreakingupwithhimjustbecause

youtellmeto!”

Ihungupthephone.

Ifeltmyentirebodyturntoice.

Ihungupthephoneonmyfather.

IhunguponMilesDraganov.

Iyelledathim,too.

Holyshit.

Itfeltgood.

Chapter24—Deals

Duringthenexttwoweeks,IcompletedmythesisandhungoutwithEthan.He

gavemefootmassagesandmultipleorgasms.Wewatchedmoviesandtalkedabout

everythingunderthesun.Ireadbookstohim,wentoutfordinner,andIwatchedhimand

hisfriendsridetheirbikesatGibbsPark.Iavoidedeveryoneelseinmylife.Itwasn’t

easy,especiallysinceIhadoneclasswithPresley,butIshoweduplate,focusedonthe

lecture,andracedoutassoonasitwasdone.

Presleycalledandtextedmeconstantly.Atbest,Iwouldgiveherbriefanswersto

confirmIwasnotkidnappedordead.IknewIwouldeventuallyhavetodealwithher,but

spendingthistimewithEthanhadbeenwonderful,andIdidn’twanttospoilitwithher

disapprovalandjudgment.

IhadevenskippedVanessa’sluncheonlastSunday.Withmyfather’scomment

aboutbringinga“suitable”datefreshinmymind,Ihadelectednottoshowupatall

ratherthanattendthegatheringwithoutEthan.ItriedcallingDad,buthedidn’tanswer.

Vanessahadcalledthatevening,andIdidspeakwithherbriefly,butshesaidEthanwas

notatopichewaswillingtodiscussandthathewasonlygoingtospeakwithmewhenI

cametomysenses.Ididapologizeformissingherengagement.

“We’lljustseeyounexttime,”Vanessahadsaid.“MilesandIwillbeinNew

Yorknextweekend,andthenextluncheonwillbeyourgraduationcelebration!I’mso

proudofyou,andIcan’twaittoshowyouofftoeveryone!”

“Youreallydon’thavetodothat.

“OfcourseIdo,mydarling.Don’tyouworryaboutathingthough—Ihaveitall

plannedout,andallyouhavetodoisshowup!”

Ihadbeengladofthat,atleast.Icouldn’tbringmyselftothinkaboutmy

graduationparty,notyet,anyway.

Rightnow,IjustwantedtoliehereonEthan’scouchgettingafootmassage.

“Ican’twaituntilstudyingforatestisathingofthepast.”Isippedlemonade

fromastrawandmoanedsoftlyasEthan’shandskneadedandrubbedmyfeet.Ileaned

backalittlemoreinthepinkbeanbagchair.“Justonemoreexam,andthenIamdone!I

surewouldhaveenjoyedcollegemorewithoutthetests.Ilovetolearn,buthavingto

provetosomeoneelsethatIlearnedsomethingannoysme.”

“Icouldtellhowmuchmorerelaxedyouwereonceyourthesiswasturnedin,”

Ethansaid.Hisfingersworkedtheirwaybetweenmytoes.“Anddon’tcomplaintoo

much.Iwouldhavelikedtohavebeenabletostayinschool.”

“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeanitthatway,”Isaid.EventhoughEthankeptsayingwe

hadn’tknowneachotherlongenoughtoworryaboutsuchshit,Iseemedtokeepslipping

upwithcommentsthatcouldcertainlybetakenthewrongway.Wehadcheckedouta

newrestaurantearlierintheweek,andIhadreallystuckmyfootinmymouthwhen

Ethanaskedmetocomewithhimwhenheneededtoexcusehimselftotherestroom.I

hadlaughed,thinkinghewasmakingsomekindofjokeormaybejustcomingontome.

Thenithitme—sincehehadn’tbeentothatplacebefore,hedidn’tknowwhichdoorled

tothewomen’sroomandwhichoneledtothemen’s.Ofcoursehewouldneedsomeone

topointouttherightoneinanunfamiliarplace.

Needlesstosay,Ifeltlikeacompleteandtotalshitafterthatone.

“It’sokay,”Ethansaidwithasmallsmile.“Icouldtrytogobacktoschool.Itjust

seemedliketherewasnowaytodoitlikeanormalperson.Ididn’twanttohaveto

explainmyselfallthetime.”

“Whatdoyoumean,‘likeanormalperson’?”

“Icouldhavegonebackwithawholeindividuallearningplan,hadtutorstohelp

mewiththetextbooks,andtakenoraltestsinsteadofwritten,butIcouldn’thavereally

beenliketheotherstudentsthen.ThelastyearofhighschoolsuckedwhenIwastaken

outofclassduringthetestssosomeonecouldreadthequestions,andIcouldspoutoffthe

answers.Ihatedbeingsingledoutlikethat.”

“Icanunderstandthat,”Isaid.“Ineverlikedbeingthecenterofattention—notat

schooloranywhereelse.”

“Butyouwanttobeanexecutive,wherepeoplearegoingtobelookinguptoyou

allthetime?”

“Want?No.But…itiswhatitis.”

“Whyareyoudoingit,Ashlyn?”Ethan’svoicedroppedlowandhismassaging

fingersslowedtoacalmingpace.

“Granddadgrewthatcompanyfromnothing,”Isaidwithashrug.“Dadtookover

fromhimandgrewitevenmore.Takingoverfromhimwhenheretiresishisdreamfor

me.I’msupposedtocarryontheDraganovFinanciallegacy.It’sinmyblood!Justask

Dad.”

“Youshoulddosomethingwithbooks,”EthansaidsoquietlyIalmostdidn’thear

him.

“What?Workinalibraryorsomething?”Ilaughedattheidea.

“Yes,”hesaid,justasquietly.“Youwouldlikethatmore.Youdon’tevenlike

youraccountingandeconomicsclasses.Icantellbyyourexpressionwhenyou’re

studying.”

“Careersaren’tthesameashobbies,Ethan,”Isaid.“Readingisahobby,not

somethingyoudofortherestofyourlife.”

“Soundslikesomethingyourdadwouldsay.”Ethansmirked.Apparently,I

quotedmydadquitealot.Ihadn’tnoticedbefore,butEthanhadbeencallingmeoutonit

forthepasttwodays.Iscowledatfirstbutthenlaughedbecausehewasabsolutelyright.

“Fine,itissomethinghe’ssaidtomebefore.Buthe’sright—Ican’tmakeacareer

outofhangingoutaroundbooks.”

“Youcouldwrite.”

“Writersdon’tmakeit,Ethan.That’snothingmorethanapipedream.”

“Wouldyouenjoyit?”

“Notthepoint.”

“It’smypoint.It’snotlikeyouneedthemoney,sowhynotdosomethingyou

love?”

“BecauseIdon’twanttobeoneofthosekidsthatjustlivesoffthemoney

someoneelsehadworkedtoearn.Iwanttoearnmyownmoney,myownplaceinlife.”

“Respect.”Ethansalutedmebeforegoingbacktoworkonmyheels.“Butyou’ll

neverknowifyoucanmakeitasawriterwithouttrying.Andyoucouldearnmoney

workingatalibrary.Youcouldevenopenabookstore.”

“Ugh!”Ipulledmyfeetfromhishandsandcrawledoutofmybeanbagchairand

intohis.“Enough!Ithinkannouncingmyrelationshipwithyouwasenoughofashockto

mydad’ssystem.I’mnotsurehecouldhandleanythingelse.”

“Ijustwantyoutobehappy.”Ethangavemehisluscioussmile,whichIkissed

andthenkissedagain.

“I’mhappy,”Itoldhim,movingmylipsovertheedgeofhisjawandthenupto

hisear.“Youaremakingmeveryhappy.”

Heslippedhishandsdownmysidesandcuppedmyrearend,pullingmyhipsup

againstthebulgeinhiskhaki,cut-offshorts.

“Iwanttogiveyousomething.”Hesnickered.“I’llgiveyouahintwhatitis…”

“Ohreally?”Iplayedalong,tryingtolooknaïveabouthis,um,gift.“Whatever

coulditbe?”

“Well,it’slong…”Hepressedupagainstmeagain.

“Isthatso?”

“Uhhuh…andhard…”

“Keepgoing!”

“Anditwantstobeinsideofyou.”Hepulledmecloseandwhisperedintomyear.

“Whatevercoulditbe?”Iwhisperedback.

“It’sabanana,”Ethansaid.“Theyaren’tquiteripe,butIlikethemthatway,and

I’mstarving!”

Ismackedhimontheshoulderasherolledoutfromunderme,grabbedmebythe

waist,andhoistedmeupoverhisshoulder.Heranustohisbedroom,threwmeintothe

middleofthemattress,andstartedpullingoffhisshirtandunbuttoninghisshorts.

“Aren’tyoualittlepresumptuous?”Iasked,gigglingasIpulledmyownshirtover

myhead.

“Youwantme.”Heshruggedandlaughed.“Eitherthatortheideaofeatinga

greenbananahasyouallpantingandsweating.”

Ithrewoneofthepillowsathim,whichwentwayoverhisheadandsmackedthe

doorbehindhim.Hejumpedontopofme,pullingatthebuttonandzipperofmyjeans

andquicklydiscardingthemoffthesideofthebed.

“Ican’twaittobeinsideyou,”hemurmuredintomyearasheslippedhisfingers

betweenmylegs.Hereachedovertothenightstanddrawerwithhisfreehand,pulledout

astringofcondoms,andtoreoneopenwithhisteeth.“God,youaresowet…Iwantyou

somuch.”

Hepulledhisfingersoutandunrolledthecondomquickly,rollingbackontopof

meandplacinghishandsoneithersideofmyface,kissingmedeeply.Myheartwas

pounding,andthemusclesinmythighswerebeggingmetostartmovingagainsthim.I

pulledmymouthawayfromhislips,tuggingalittleathislipringsasIdid.

“Please,”Ikissedupthesideofhisjawandnippedathisearlobe,“don’tmakeme

wait…Ineedthatcockofyoursinme.”

Hedidn’tprolongthemomentbuthitchedmylegupoverhishipandpushed

slowlyandsweetlyintome.Hesighedasheenteredmefullyandheldhimselfthere,

gazingdownatmewithsparkling,intensegreeneyes.Heswiveledhiships,pulledouta

little,thenbackinagain,repeatingthemotionuntilIwasscreaminghisnameanddigging

mynailsintohisshoulders.

“Youfeelsofuckinggood.”Ethanmoanedandbuckedagainstmeafewmore

timesbeforelettingoutasoundthatmighthavebeenmyname,tensingallhismuscles

aroundme,andthenslowlyrelaxingwithhisforeheadonmychest.

Ethanpulledoutofmeslowly,hiseyesneverleavingmineashetossedthe

condominthetrash.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundmeagain,rollingusuntilIwaslying

onhischest.Hetiltedhisheadupundermychinandstartednibblingmyskin.

“Moveinwithme,”Ethansaidwithhismouthagainstmyneckandhisarms

wrappedtightlyaroundme.

Hesaiditaftereverytimewemadelove.Ihadaprettygoodideathathewas

sayingitwhenIwasinastateofvulnerable,post-coitalblissinordertocatchmeoff

guard.Thepastweekstartedrunningthroughmyhead.ThetimesIhadbeenhappy,

content,andateasehadallbeenhere,notnecessarilylyingontopofhimwithpartsof

himburiedinsidepartsofme,butinthisplace,withEthan.EverytimeIhadbeeninmy

apartmentalone,Ihadhatedit.Ihadbeenuncomfortable,atbest.MostofthetimeIwas

there,Ihadfeltlikesomethingdrasticallyimportantwasmissing,anditfinallyhitme

exactlywhatitwas.Iraisedmyhead,pullingawayfromhislipsatmythroat,andstared

downathim.Hischeeksturnedpink,andhegracedmewithhiscockyhalfsmile.

“Allright,”Isaid,smilingback.

“Allright?”Hissmilefaltered,andhenarrowedhiseyesatme,confused.

“I’llmoveinwithyou.”

“Seriously?”Ethansatupagainsttheheadboard,pulledmeontohislap,andtook

myfaceinhishands.“Doyoumeanit?”

“Imeanit,seriously,”Isaidwithalaugh.“Imean,ifyoureallywantmeto.”

“Fuckyeah,Ido!”Ethanexclaimed.Ilaughedathisexuberance.

“Butnotuntilthefirstofthemonth,”Isaid,clarifyingmyplanssotherewouldbe

nomisunderstanding.“IneedtogivemylandlordsomenoticeifIexpecttogetoutofmy

leasewithoutpayingforthewholesummer.Thatwillgivemetimetofigureoutwhatto

bringwithmeandwhattoputinstorage.”

“Deal!”Ethancried.Iwatchedashistonguedartedoutoverhisliprings,andI

justhadtokissthem.Hekissedmebackandthenstartedmumblingagainstmymouth.

“Ican’twait.Yourbeinghere…itjustfeelssorighttome.I’llgetbetterfoodinthe

fridge,too—Iswear…”

Ilaughedandshookmyhead.

“Ithinkthereareafewotherthingswe’llhavetotackle,”Isaid.“Thefridgeisn’t

mymainconcern.”

“Whatis?”Ethanasked,hiseyesshowingalittlewariness.

“Tellingmydadwouldbethemainone.Hestillwon’ttalktomeaboutyouatall.

AfterIhunguponhim,he’srefusedmycalls.ItalkedtoVanessaforawhile,butshesaid

he’sstillmadandwon’ttalkaboutyou.”

“Hehatesme,doesn’the?”

“Idon’tthinkso,”Isaid.ThenIfeltbadaboutlying.“Imean,hehasn’tgiven

youachance,sowhateverhefeelsisn’tjustified.”

“Hehasseenonesideofme,”Ethansaidquietly,hisblushreturning.“Ican

understandwhyhewouldn’twantyoutobewithme.”

“He’snotgivingyoutheopportunity,”Iargued.“He’sgoingtohavetogiveyoua

chance.WhatareyoudoingSunday?”

“Um,bikes,hangingout—theusual.Yousaidyouwerebusywithyourgraduation

stuffallday.Ifyouweregoingtodothewholegraduationprocessionaltogetyour

diploma,I’dgo,butyousaidyouweren’t.”

“It’salongandboringceremony,”Isaid.“Idon’tthinkanyofmyfriendsare

going,andDadsaidalongtimeagothathehatesthosethings.”

“Soyeah,I’lljustspendthedaywithCeeCee.”

“No,youwon’t.”Ismiledathim.“Youaregoingtobemydateatmystepmom’s

luncheon.”

“Ashlyn,thatcan’tpossiblybeagoodidea.”

“Ofcourseitis,”Isaiddefinitively.“Dadwillhavetoacknowledgeyouandbeat

leastreasonablypolite.Itismygraduationparty,andVanessawouldmurderhimifhe

causedasceneatoneofhergatherings.”

“Idon’tknow…”

“Please?”Iasked,knowingitwasunderhandedtoresorttobegging.“Iwantyou

tobethere,andDadwillgetachancetoseehowwonderfulyouareforme.”

Ethanfurrowedhisbrowandlookedawayforaminute,thenbackagain.

“Ifyouthinkit’sagoodidea,I’lldoit.”

“Idon’tknowifit’sagoodidea,”Isaid,“butIknowithastohappeneventually.I

can’tavoidmyfamilyforever,whichbringsmetomynextthought.”

“What’sthat?”heasked.

“Tonightwehangoutwithmyfriends.”

Chapter25—Incident

Mydoorbellrang,andItookalong,deepbreath,smoothedoutmydress,andwent

togreetPresleyandZoey.

“Idon’tevenknowwhyI’mhere.”Presleystruttedthroughthedoorinherspiked

heels,swingingadesignerclutcharoundherwrist.“Youhavecompletelyignoredmefor

overaweek.”

“Thatboymusthavesomegloriouscockonhim.”Zoeylaughedandgavemea

hug.

“Hedoes,”Iwhisperedandwinkedather.

“Iknewit!”Zoeydancedaroundinacircleasherlow-cutblousefellpartwayoff

hershoulder.Shepulleditbackupandsmiledatme.

“Ishisdicktattooed,too?”Presleyraisedaneyebrowandplacedherhandonher

hip.

“No,it’snot,ifyoureallyhavetoknow.Stopbeingabitch.”

Presleyeyedmeforamoment.

“Youmightaswellstartgettingusedtoit,”Isaid.“Ethan’sjoiningustonight,and

we’regoingtoMarco’sinsteadoftheclubsohecangetin.”

“Peoplebringtheirwholefamiliesthere!”Zoeywhinedandploppeddownonthe

couch,foldingherarmsacrossheramplechest.“Imean,gomeethimlaterforaquick

fuckifyouaren’toverityet,butdon’tmaketherestofussufferthelittlechildren.”

“He’snotachild!”

“ImeantherugratspeoplebringtoMarcos.”Zoeyleanedbackonthecouch.

“Saturdaynightisfullofkidsuntilafterten.”

“Youcancopeforonenight.”

“Ihatekids.”Zoeypouted.“They’renoisyandtheysmellfunny.”

“It’snotlikewe’regoingtobeatatablewithabunchofbabiesindiapers!”I

sighedloudly,myfrustrationgrowing.

“No,”Presleysaid,“we’lljusthavetheone,slightlyolderchild.Willheneeda

boosterseat?”

“Presley!”

“You’retheonethatwantstobringhimout!”sheyelledbackatme.“Wewereall

perfectlyhappygoingtoClubManiauntilyouchangedalltheplansbecauseofhim.

Peoplewouldbecallingyouacradlerobberiftheycouldgetpastthefactthatyou’re

datingsomeonewholookslikeagangmemberwithalltheinkandthepiercings.How’s

hegoingtolookstandingbesideyouatprofessionalfunctions?You’regoingtobea

laughingstock.”

“Well,that’smychoice,isn’tit?Asmyfriend,Iwouldthinkyoucouldbealittle

moresupportive!”

“I’llgoalongwithittonightforyoursake,butIdon’thavetobehappyaboutit!”

“That’senough.”Myvoicewasquiet,buttheylookedatmeandtooknotice.“Sit

down—bothofyou.”

PresleyfurrowedherbrowasshesatdownnexttoZoeyonthecouch,andIsat

acrossfromthem.

“Irealizethisisalittleweirdforallofus.IknowEthandoesn’tlooklike

someoneyouwouldexpectmetobedating,butIamdatinghim,andthetwoofyouhave

tostopbeingsoshittyaboutit.”

“I’monlytryingtoprotectyou,”Presleymumbledasshestareddownatherhands

inherlap.“Peoplearealreadytalking,andyouhavebarelybeenseenwithhimin

public.”

“They’regoingtohavetogetusedtoit.”

“Ash,”Zoeysaidasshestaredatmeintently,“youdon’treallythinkthisisgoing

tolast,doyou?”

“I’mgoingtomoveinwithhim.”

“What?”theybothcriedatonce.

“Heaskedmetomoveinwithhim,andI’mgoingtodoit.I’llfinishoutthe

monthhere,butI’mgoingtobreakmyleaseandmoveintoEthan’sapartmentwithhim.”

“Ash,areyousure?”Zoeyleanedforwardonthecouch.“You’veonlyknown

himforafewweeks!”

“Iknowthat,”Isaid,“butIwanttodoit.Ithinkthismightbetherealthing,you

guys.”

TherewasalongsilenceasPresleyandZoeylookedbackandforthbetweeneach

otherandme.

“Allright,”Zoeysaid,finallyspeakingup.“Ithinkyou’recompletelycray-cray,

butifyoureallylikethisguy,Isupportyou.It’sgoingtotakealittlegettingusedto,but

youknowI’malwayshereforyou.”

“Thankyou,”Isaid.IreachedoverandgaveZoeyaquickhugbeforeturningto

Presley.

“Youarecrazy,”shesaid.“Idon’tknowwhatyouexpectmetosay.He’snever

goingtofitinwithoursocialcircle,andwheredoesthatleaveyou?Areyougoingto

starthangingintheslumsandmaybeevenrideabiketowork?HowamIsupposedto

takeanyofthisseriously?”

“BecauseI’mseriousabouthim,”Itoldher,“andyou’remyfriend.”

“AmI?”Presleyasked.“Youdidn’teventellmeabouthim.Ididn’tknowshit

untilhemetyououtsideofclass.IshegoingtoturnoutlikeCole?Areyougoingtohide

theshithedoestoyoufromtherestofuslikeyoudidthen?”

“Ethanisnothinglikethat.”

“Helookslikehe’dbelikethat.Longhairandtattoos?Really?Idon’tcareifhe

doesowntheMarquispenthouse;helookslikehebelongsinatrailerpark.”

“Whyareyoubeinglikethis?”

“BecauseIdon’twantyoutogethurtagain!”Presleysuddenlyyelled.Shestood

upandpointedherfingeratme.“Youdon’trememberwhatafuckingmessyouwere

withCole!Youblockeditalloutlikeitdidn’thappen,butIwasthere!Hehadmoney,

butthatdidn’tstophimfrombeinganassholeorfromstickinghisdickintoeverybitch

thatwouldlethim!Andyouputupwithit!Youneverevencamecleanabouthimhitting

you,noteventothisday,andIknowhedid.Ineverboughtyourstoryaboutthatscar

comingfromyourrunningintoafuckingdoor.Howclichéofyou.”

Igasped.IhadnoideaPresleyhadsuspectedColeofhittingme.Itwasn’tlike

hernottosaysomethingbeforenow,andIwascaughtoffguardandunabletosay

anythingforamoment.

“Itwasonlyonce,”Ifinallywhispered.“ThatwasrightbeforeIlefthim.Heonly

hitmethatonetime.”

“Allthesignswerethere,”Presleysaid.“Youdidn’twanttoseethem.”

“Wejustdon’twantthattohappenagain,Ash,”Zoeysaidasshereachedoutto

me.

“Youknew,too?”IlookedatZoeyandfelttearswellingupinmyeyes.

“Isuspected,”shesaid.

ThenextthingIknew,allthreeofuswerehuggingandsobbingtogether.

IwasrelievedthatPresleyandZoeyknewhowColehadtreatedme.Theburden

ofthesecretwaslifted,anditfeltgoodtoknowmyfriendswerehereformeevenafterI

hadbeensuchafool.NowIneededthemtosupportmyrelationshipwithEthanaswell.

“YouhavetogettoknowEthan,”Isaidsoftly.“Reallyknowhim.He’sso

completelyunlikeCole,anditwouldn’ttakeyoulongtofigurethatout.Iswear.Askhim

whyhehasthetattoosandthepiercings.Askhimwhattheyallmeantohim.Ifyoudid,

youwouldunderstandwhatkindofpersonhereallyis.Youjusthavetostopjudginghim

byhowhelooks,andseewhat’sinside.”

“I’mwillingtogiveitashot,”Zoeysaid.

“Allright,”Presleysaidwithasigh.“I’lltry,butifIseeasignthathe’streating

youlikeshit,I’llneedeveryonetohelpmehidethebody.”

*****

Ethanwasdressedinanicepairofjeans,noholes,andabutton-downshirt.He

wasstillwearinghisblackConverseshoes,andhewasfarfromdressy,comparedtothe

restofthegroup,butatleasthedidn’tlooktoooutofplace.Noonecouldevenseehis

tattoosundertheshirt’slongsleeves.

WewalkedintoMarco’s.OnlyPresleyandZoeywerethere,butthatwas

something,atleast.

“Hello,Ethan,”Presleysaid.Hertonewasn’toverlyfriendly,butsheatleast

acknowledgedhim.Sheleanedclosetohim,andforamoment,Ithoughtshewasgoing

tokisshischeek.Instead,shewhisperedsomethinginhisear,andEthan’seyeswent

wide.

“No!”hesaidquickly.“Iwouldnever.”

“Betternot.”Presleytookastepawayfromhim,andZoeywalkedup.Iglanced

atPresley,wonderingwhatshehadsaidtohim,butshewouldn’tmeetmygaze.Zoey

elbowedmeinthesideandsmiledwithbrightredlips.

“Ethan,thisisZoey.”

“Hi,Ethan.Tellmeallaboutthesepiercingsandtats.”

Weallsatdown,andEthanrelayedthestoryofwhathistattoosandpiercings

meanttohim.Presleylookedbored,butZoeyappearedinterestedinhisexplanations.

Sheinsistedonseeingthetattoooftheroses,andEthanhadtounbuttonhisshirtabitto

showher.

Zoeygivemeawide-eyedsmileandfannedherfaceasshenoddedtowardEthan’s

partiallybarechest.Shegrinnedandlickedherlipswhenhelookeddowntobuttonuphis

shirt.Iscowledatherandtriedtoholdbackasmirk.

Wesatatatableandordereddrinks.Presleypickedoutthepriciestwineonthe

menu,andZoeywentwithherusualvodkaandtonic.WhenEthanorderedaCoke,I

followedsuit.

“Youdon’thavetodothat,”hesaidquietly.

“Dowhat?”

“Orderarealdrinkifyouwant,”hesaid.“Itwon’thurtmyfeelings.”

“MaybeIwantaCoke.”ItiltedmyheadasIlookedbackathim.

“Youdon’t.”Hesmiledandshookhishead.“Idon’twantyoutochangeyour

behaviorbecauseofme.Ifyoudo,you’llendupresentingmebecauseofit.Orderwine

orwhateverelseyouwant.Itdoesn’tbotherme.”

“Areyousure?”

“I’msureIwantyoutoenjoyyourtimewithyourfriends,andI’msureyou’d

ratherhavealcohol.Sodoit.WearegoingtogetanUberbackanyway.”

“Allright,”Isaid,“ifyouinsist.”

Iflaggeddowntheserverandaskedforamartini.EthansmiledasItookmyfirst

sip.

“Idon’twantyouevergoingagainstwhatyouwantforthesakeofsparingmy

feelings,”hesaid.“Certainlynotforsomethingasstupidaswhatyouwanttodrink.If

it’ssomethingimportant,wecantalkaboutitfirst.”

“Areyousureyouaren’tolderthanyousay?”Iasked.“Youareawfullywise.”

Ethanbroughthisfingertipstogethertomaketwolargecircles,whichhethen

placedoverhiseyesashebegantomakeowlsounds.

“Allright!”Isaidwithalaugh.“Youhavejustprovenhowchildishyouare!”

Hecontinuedwiththeowlimpersonationsuntilmysideshurtfromlaughing.

PresleyandZoeylookedatuslikewewerebothnuts.

Weorderedpizza,andPresleystartedgivingEthanthethirddegree.Sheasked

himabouthisparents,whyhedroppedoutofschool,andhisheadinjuries.Shegasped

whenhetoldherthathecouldn’tread,andthatspurredatonofotherquestions.Ethan

answeredeachoneinturnandwithaverymatter-of-facttone.Presleytriedtohidehow

impressedshewasbyhisfrankanswers,butIsawthroughit.MostlyIhopedshewasn’t

makingEthantoouncomfortable,butheseemedallrightwithherinterrogation.Ireached

underthetableandgraspedhishand.Hesmiledatmeandsqueezedmyfingers.

Eventually,Presleyrelented.

“Selfie!”ZoeysquishedherheadinbetweenmineandPresley’s,heldherphone

uphigh,andtookacoupleofpicturesasweallsmiledandheldupourdrinks.Ethan

scootedawayalittle,avoidingthecamera.

“Letmeseeit!”Presleysaid,grabbingatthephone.Sheexaminedthepicture

closelyandthenplayedaroundwiththefilters.“Allright,that’sacceptable.”

“Youcouldhavebeeninthepicture,too,”IsaidasIleanedclosetoEthan.

“That’sokay,”hesaid.“Let’stakeoneofus.”

Wespentaminutetakingpictureswithbothofourphones.Thefirstfewwere

goodones,andthenEthanstartedmakinggoofyfaces.Ijoinedin,andprettysoonwe

werebothlaughing.

“Igottapee,”Ethansaid.“Toomuchlaughing!”

“I’llshowyouwherethebathroomsare,”Isaid.Ididn’twantarepeatofour

dinneroutwhenEthanwasn’tsurewhichbathroomwasthemen’s,soIledhimback

aroundthebar,pointedoutthecorrectdoor,andthenlookedoverthedrinkmenuwhile

Ethandisappearedinside.

ThebartendercameupandaskedmewhatIwanted,andIpickedoutoneoftheir

specialtyrumdrinks.Hestartedmixing,andEthanappearedbackatmyside,leaning

againstawoodenpillarnearthebar.

“CanIgetyousomething?”thebartenderaskedEthan.

“Nah,I’mgood,”Ethansaidwithasmile.Heshookhisheadalittleasthe

bartenderplacedmydrink,completewithlittleumbrella,infrontofmeandwalkedaway.

“Icouldalwaysorderadrinkforyou,”Isaidsoftly.“IfIgotitatthebarand

broughtittothetable,noonewouldsayanything.”

“That’sokay,”Ethansaid.“Iwouldn’twanttoriskgettingyouintroubleor

anything.ItbothersyouthatIcan’tdrinkthough.Icantell.”

“Itisalittleodddatingsomeonewhoisn’tofage,”Isaid.“It’snotthatIreally

care,butit’snotsomethingI’musedto.Inmysocialcircles,wealldoalittledrinking.

It’smoreofanautomaticresponsethatIhavetocurbratherthanbeingbotheredbyit.

Doesthatmakesense?”

“Yeah,Ithinkitdoes.”Ethansnickered.“YoushouldordermeaShirleyTemple

ormaybeavirgindaiquiri.Thosearegood.”

“You’resilly,”IsaidasIbumpedshoulderswithhim.

“Ilikestrawberrydaiquiris,”hesaid.“They’retasty,andIcouldneverreallytell

thedifferencebetweentheoneswithruminthemandtheoneswithout.Notinthetaste,

anyway.”

“Soyouareadmittingtounderagedrinking?”Ifeignedshock.“I’mappalled!”

“GwenandFaithmadethemformeonce,”Ethansaidwithagrin.“Igot

hammeredaftertwoofthem.Frankly,Ididn’tlikethewayitmademefeel.I’mnotsure

I’dorderanalcoholicdrinkevenifIwaslegallyable.”

“Itdoestakealittlegettingusedto,”Isaid.“Ittookmeforevertofigureoutwhat

Ilikedtodrink.Ican’tstandbeerofanykind,butredwineisgood.”

Ethanstartedtorespond,butwewereinterrupted.

“Nicehair.”

Iglancedovermyshoulderatthesoundofafamiliarbutunexpectedvoice.

ColestrolleduptowhereEthanandIwerestanding,darkeyesblazing.Ihadn’t

seenhimsincewebrokeup,buttherehewas,tallandintimidatingwithhisshort,black

hairandscruffybeard.

Ethanraisedahandtothebackofhishead,smoothingoutafewofthestrandsthat

hadcomeawayfromthebun.

“Thanks,”hesaid.HelookedfromColetomewarily.

“Isthatwhatpassesformanhoodthesedays,”Coleasked,“wearingyourhairlike

aballerina?”

Ethandidn’trespond,butIsawhischestriseandfallwithadeepbreath.He

staredwordlesslyatCole,whocontinuedtosmileashemovedcloser.BeforeIcould

react,heleanedcloseandkissedmycheek.

“Goodtoseeyou,Ashbaby,”hesaid.Heranhishanddownmyarmandtooka

stepbetweenEthanandme,pushingEthanbackuntilhebumpedintothewoodenpillar

bythebar.

IglancedatEthan.HenarrowedhiseyesatColebutstilldidn’tsayanything.

Coleturnedhisheadtostarerightbackathimwithhisheadslightlytilted.Iwas

remindedofanatureshowwheremalegorillaswerepacingaround,challengingone

anotherwiththeireyesrightbeforetheystartedpoundingtheirchests.

IglaredatCole.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”IaskedwhenIfoundmyvoice.

“Iwasintown,”Colesaidwithasinistersmile.“Iheardyouwereoutandabout

andthoughtI’dstopbyandsayhellotomygirl.”

Thiswasn’tmynormalhangout,andIdidn’tbelieveforasecondthatColewas

herebychance,butwhowouldhavetoldhimwheretofindme?Myfriendscouldn’t

standhim.

“I’mnotyourgirl,”Imuttered.Istartedtostepawayfromthebar,butCole

blockedmyway.

“Ashlyn,weneedtotalk,”Colesaid.Hegrippedmyupperarmtightly.

“Lethergo.”

“Fuckyou,”Colesaidwithasneer.HeturnedtowardEthan.“Idon’tneedsome

metrosexualchildtellingmewhattodo.GomindyourownbusinesswhileItalktomy

Ashlyn.”

“She’snotyours.”

Everythinghappenedsofast,butIfeltasifIwerewatchingtheencounterinslow

motion.

Colelaughedonceasheshookhisheadslowly.HelookedatEthanandthenat

me.Asecondlater,heturnedtofaceEthan,pulledbackhisarm,tightenedhishandintoa

fist,andswungitatEthan’shead.

Ethansidestepped,twistinghisbodydownandtotheright,andCole’sfistplowed

intothewoodenpillarEthanhadbeenleaningagainst.Iheardadistinctivecrackofbones

breakingasCole’sknuckleshittheunyieldingwood,andColecriedout.

Withagrowl,ColebackedupandmadearunatEthan.Ethanducked,moved

forward,andColewentrightoverhisback,crashingintooneofthehigh-toptablesnear

thebar.Thebartenderstartedyellingtotheshockedservernearbytocallthepoliceashe

startedtorunaroundthebartobreakupthefight.

Colerolledoverandstoodup,fistsraised.Ethanstoodhisgroundinfrontofme,

lookingtinycomparedtoCole’shugeform.IrealizedColewasn’tgoingtobetakenby

surpriseathirdtimeandthatEthancouldbeinalotoftrouble.

Suddenly,Isaacappeared.HesteppeduprightbesideEthanandglaredatCole.

“Youneedtoleave,”Isaacsaid.

Coletookahalfstepbackwardandthenpointedafingeratme.

“Youaren’tfuckingworthit!”hescreamed.“Youneverwere,youstupidbitch!I

don’tknowwhyIwastedanytimewithyouinthefirstplace!”

Hetookastepforward,butbothEthanandIsaacbracedthemselves,readytotake

himon.Apparently,Colethoughtbetterofitandquicklystalkedtowardthefrontdooras

policesirenswailedinthedistance.Amomentlater,thebartenderappearedbehindhim,

andZoeyandPresleyfollowed.

Ethanturnedaroundandgrabbedme,pullingmeagainsthischestandpressinghis

lipstomytemple.

“Areyouallright?”heasked.

“I’mfine.Didhehurtyou?”

“Didn’ttouchme,”Ethansaid.

“Ican’tbelieveyoufendedhimofflikethat,”Isaid.“He’stwiceyoursize.”

“Sizeonlymattersinsomeareas.”Ethanleanedback,lookedmeintheeye,and

winked.“I’mwiry,andIknowhowtomove.Idon’treallycareforviolence,butItook

someAkidoclasseswhenIwasinhighschool.Theself-defensemethodscomeinhandy

everyonceinawhile.”

“Apparently.”

“Still,Iwaskindaworriedthereforaminute.”EthanlookedoveratIsaac.

“Thatwasprettyimpressive,”Isaacsaid.Hegavemeaquicksmile.“Gladthis

guywashereforyou,Ash.”

“Ethan,”Isaid,“thisisIsaac.”

“Thanksforthebackup,”Ethansaid.HereachedoverandshookIsaac’shand.

“Mypleasure,”Isaacsaid.“Cole’sasasshole.Itwasnicetowatchhimget

burned.”

PresleyandZoeycamebackinsideandwalkedswiftlytous.

“Thecopsarehere,”Zoeysaid,“butColetookoff.Igavethemadescriptionof

hiscar,andtheysaidthey’dbeonthelookoutforhim.They’reontheirwayinsideand

wanttotalktoyouthough.”

Inodded.

“Howdidheknowwheretofindme?”Iasked,lookingatPresley.

“Ihavenoidea,”shesaid.

“Ipostedthatpictureofus,”Zoeysaidasshescrolledthroughherphone.“It

automaticallytaggedwhereweare.Myaccountisn’tprivate,sohemighthaveseenit

there.”

“Verylikely.”IsighedandlookedoveratEthan.

“I’msosorry,”Zoeysaid,reachingoutandgraspingmyarm.“Ididn’tthinkabout

Coleevenbeingaround,letalonestalkingmyaccounttogettoyou.ShouldIdeletethe

picture?”

“Noreasonforthatnow,”Ireplied.

“I’mchangingmyaccountsettingsrightnow.”Zoeytappedrapidlyforamoment

asIturnedbacktoPresley.

“AreyougoingtocutEthanalittlemoreslacknow?”Iasked.

“Thatwasprettyawesome,”Presleysaid.ShesmiledatEthan.“Iguessyoucan

stickaround.Ithinkwe’dalladmitthatputtingColedownearnedyouabunchofpoints.”

“Thanks,”Ethansaid,“Ithink.”

Presleylaughedandgavehimahug.

“Onceeveryonehearsaboutthis,”Presleysaid,“they’reallgoingtolovehim.”

“That’sagoodthing,”Isaid.“I’mgoingtoneedalotofsupporttomorrow.”

“Whytomorrow?”Presleyasked.

“I’mgoingtotakehimtoVanessa’sluncheon.It’smygraduationparty,andIwant

Ethanthere.”

“Thatoughttobeentertaining,”Zoeysaid.

Presleylookedatmeintentlyforamoment.

“Youreallyareserious,”shesaid.“You’reseriousaboutthisandabouthim.”

“Iam.”

“I’mstartingtoseewhy.”PresleygaveEthanagenuinesmile.

Ethanreachedoverandtookmyhand,pullingmeclosetohissideandkissingthe

topofmyhead.

“Willyoubothbethere?”IlookedatPresleyandthenZoey.

“Wouldn’tmissitfortheworld!”

Chapter26—Enlighten

“Iguessthatwasyourex?”Ethanstrokedhisthumbalongthebackofmyhand.

“Unfortunately,yes.”

WewalkedthroughthefrontdoorsofEthan’sapartmentbuildingandheadedfor

theelevator.Iwasexhaustedfromtheevening’sencounter,andEthanhadbeenunusually

quietonthewaybacktohisplace.

Insidetheapartment,Ethanwordlesslyledmetothepinkbeanbagchair,satme

down,gotmeadrinkofwater,andbegantomassagemyfeet.Mybodyrelaxed

immediately,butmymindwasstillfocusedontheimageofCole’sangryface.

“Hegaveyouthatscaronyourlip,didn’the?”

IblinkedseveraltimeswhileIstaredatEthan.Hedidn’tlookup.Hejustkept

rubbingmyfeet.LyingabouthowIgotthescarhadbecomesecondnature,andthedesire

todenyithadanythingtodowithColewasstrong,butIwantedtobehonestwithEthan.

“Howdidyouknowthat?”Iasked.

“You’vebeenrubbingiteversinceweleftMarco’s.”

“Oh.”Iclaspedmyhandsinmylap.

“Iwishyouhadtoldmeaboutthat,”Ethansaid.Hefinallyglancedupatme,his

eyesdark.“Thenagain,ifyouhad,Iwouldhaveendeduppunchinghim.I’msurean

assaultchargewouldn’timpressyourdad.”

“Probablynot.”Igavehimatight-lippedsmile.

“Howmanytimes?”Ethanasked.

“Howmanytimeswhat?”

“Howmanytimesdidhehityou?”

“Justonce.Ilefthimnotlongafterthat.”

“Notlong?”

“Icaughthimwithanotherwomanaboutaweeklater.”

“Andyouleftbecauseofthat?”Ethan’svoiceroseinpitch,andhefurrowedhis

brow.“Notbecausehehityou?”

“It’scomplicated.”Istartedtoreachforthescaragainbutstoppedmyself.“Our

fathersarefriends.Hisfamilyisanimportantclient.Icouldn’tjustmakeaccusationslike

that.”

Ethanstaredatmeforafullminutebeforehescowledandwentbacktosoothing

mytoes.

“That’sfuckedup,Ashlyn.”

*****

Thegrandhousethathadbeenmyhomeasachildlookedstrangelyominous

despitethefestivedecorationsliningthedriveway.Idrovepastthevaletareaandparked

inmyusualspotinfrontofthegaragedoor.

“Areyoureadyforthis?”EthanreachedoverthecenterconsoleofmySaaband

placedhishandonmythigh.

“Notatall,”Isaid,“butIguesssittinginthecarallafternoonisn’tmuchofan

option.”

“Idon’thavetobehere,”hesaid.“Icanjustheadbacktomyapartmentandwait

foryou.Icanalwaysmeetyourfamilyanothertime.”

“No.”Ishookmyheadquickly.“It’smygraduationparty,andIwantyouhere.

Besides,waitingjustprolongstheinevitable,andyougotalldressedup.”

“Ilookprettyawesome,don’tI?”Ethanflashedmehisbrilliantsmile.

Hedidlookawesome.Myjawhadjustabouthitthegroundwhenhecameoutof

hisapartmententrancewearinganArmanisuit,completewithvestandfancybrown

shoes.Theywereoff-brand,whichwouldn’tgounnoticed,buttheylookednice,andhe

saidtheywerecomfortable.

“Youdocleanupwell,”Isaidwithalaugh.Ileanedovertokisshischeek,and

webothsteppedoutofthecar.

Insteadofarrivingearlyandgoingthroughthehouse,Ipurposelyshowedupjusta

fewminuteslateandwalkedaroundthehouseandthroughtheballoontunneltomy

graduationluncheon.Vanessahadgonealloutformyparty,evenbyherstandards.Aside

fromtheballoons,therewasastringquartetplayingonaraisedplatform,twofullbarson

eithersideoftheyard,andabuffet-stylefeastthatprobablycouldhavefedanarmy.

Theentirebackyardwasalreadyfullofpeople,andallofthelavishdecorations

wereinmyschool’scolors,rightdowntothevestswornbythequartetmusicians.

Despitethesuit,Ethanwasgettingalotoflooksfromtheguestsaswewalkedin

together.Hemighthavebeendressedwell,buttheringsinhislipandforeheadwerethe

focusofeveryone’sattention.Inoticedonewomanactuallypokethepersonbesideher

andpointtowardusassheshookherhead.

Ethansmiledateveryoneanddidn’tseemtonoticetheblatantstares.Itooka

deepbreath,triedtoignoremypoundingheart,andsmiledrightalongwithhim.

Iglancedaround,tryingtofigureoutwhereVanessawas.Ipreferredtoruninto

herbeforemyfather.Vanessawasalwaysthequeenofmanners,andIknewshewouldn’t

doorsayanythingtoupsetmewithsomanypeoplearound.Ispottedherbyalongtable

fullofappetizers,speakingwithsomeoneinachef’scoat.Ethanlookedaroundtheyard,

takingitallinuntilIgrabbedaholdofhishandandheadedtowardmystepmother.

Vanessa’seyeswidenedslightlyasshelookedupandsawmewithEthan.Her

smileappearedasecondlater,andshewalkeduptouswithopenarms.

“Ashlyn,mydarling!”Shegraspedmyshouldersandquicklyleanedintokissmy

cheek.“Sogladyou’vearrived!Congratulationsonyourgraduation!”

“Thankyou!”Isaid.“Theyardlookswonderful!Ilovewhatyoudidwiththe

school’scolors.”

“AndthismustbeEthan,”Vanessasaidwithanothersmile.Shelookedhimover,

glancedathisshoeswithaslightlyraisedbrow,andthentookhishand.“I’msogladyou

couldmakeitonAshlyn’sspecialday.”

“Thankyou,”Ethansaidpolitely.“I’mgladIcouldbehere.”

“Ihadthecakedonebythechefgirlyouwenttoschoolwith,”Vanessasaid.

“Jessica,Ibelieve?Shedoessuchanicejob.Shefilledtheinsideofthecakewithfruit,

andthesampleswerejustdivine!”

“Ican’twaittotasteit,”Isaid.IreachedoutandgraspedVanessa’shand.“Thank

yousomuchfordoingallthisforme.I’msograteful.”

“Itwasmypleasure,darling.”Vanessagrippedmyfingersforamoment.“Oh,

look!Someofyourfriendshavearrived!IdoappreciatethatPresley’stastein

designers.”

VanessaglancedatEthan’sshoesoncemore.IcaughtmyselfrightbeforeIrolled

myeyesandthenglancedoverattheyardentrancetoseeZoey,Presley,andIsaacheading

towardus.

“I’dbettergocheckontheotherguests!”Vanessasaidasshetwirledoff.“Do

enjoyyourselves!”

“She’snice,”Ethansaidwithaquicksmile.

“Shewouldn’tdarebeanyotherway.”Ichuckled.

“Hey,girl!”ZoeywalkedupwithPresleyrightbehindher.Theybothwore

conservative,designersundressesandhadobviouslycoordinatedwitheachother.

“Goodtoseeyouhere,bruiser.”IsaaclightlypunchedEthan’sbicep,andEthan

blushed.“Whowantssomethingfromthebar?”

“Champagneallaround!”Presleysaid.

“Youwantone?”IsaacaskedEthanquietly.“Idon’tthinkanyoneisgoingto

notice.”

“Nah,I’mokay,”Ethansaid.“Thanksforaskingthough.”

“Howaboutasoda?”

“Yeah,thatwouldbegreat.”Ethansmiled.“Letmehelpyoucarrythem.”

Theyheadedtowardthebar,andIwasgladtoseeEthanandIsaachadbonded

overtheirrun-inwithCole.

Wefoundatablenearthebuffetandsatdownwhiletheguysstoodinlineforthe

drinks.Presleytooknoteofeveryone’sattireandcritiquedwhenshefounditnecessary.

Iwatchedthebackdoor,waitingformyfathertoappear.

“Ah,shit!”Isaacstumbledoverthelegofthetable,spillingoneofthedrinks.

“Careful!”Zoeysnickered.“YouknowhowVanessafeelsaboutcursing!She’ll

throwyourightoutofhere.”

“Sorry.”Isaacglancedaroundquickly,butVanessawasn’tinearshot.“I’llgo

grabanotherdrink.”

Isaacheadedbacktothebar,whichnowhadquitealine,andEthanhandedmea

glassofchampagne.

“Congratulations,”hesaidquietlyashekissedmycheek.“It’ssocoolthatyougot

amaster’sdegree.Doyouthinkyou’lleverwanttogofurther?”

“Idon’tthinkso,”Isaid.“Notanytimesoon,certainly.YouknowhowIfeel

abouttakingtests,and—”

“Whatishedoinghere?”

Ijumpedatthesoundofmyfather’svoicebehindme.Turningquickly,Isquared

myshouldersandsatupalittlestraighter.Dadwouldn’tcauseascene—notwithallthese

peoplearound.

“He’smyboyfriend,Dad.”Ispokesoftlybutwithresolve.“Youaregoingto

havetoacceptthat.”

“Imostcertainlydonot,”hereplied.“IthoughtIhadalreadymadethatclear.He

isnotwelcomehere!”

“It’sokay,Ashlyn,”Ethansaidquietlyashestoodupfromhisseat.“Idon’twant

tobeaproblem.I’llgo.”

“Youaren’tgoinganywhere.”Istoodupaswell,reachedover,andgrabbed

Ethan’shandbeforeturningbacktomyfather.“Youaregoingtohavetogetusedtothe

ideasoonerorlater,Dad.Iknowyoudon’tlikeit,butEthan’snotleaving.”

Afewpeopleatnearbytableshadstoppedtheirconversationtolistentoours.Dad

didn’tseemtonotice.

“Thisisnotadebate,”hesaidashepointedafingeratme.

“No,”Irespondedquickly,“it’snot.”

Dadinhaledloudly,clenchedhisteeth,andglancedaround.Hefinallynoticedthat

peoplewerestaringandloweredhisvoice.

“IthoughtColewasgoingtotalksomesenseintoyou.”Dadproceededtomumble

afewmorewordsunderhisbreaththatIdidn’tcatch.

“What?”Igasped.“Whatdidyousay?”

“Colewassupposedtofindyouandgetyoutoseesomereason.Obviouslyhe

didn’t.”

Ethantightenedhisfingersaroundmine.

“You…youtoldColetofindme?”

“Youknowhe’sabettermatchforyou,Ash.”Dadshookhisheadslowly.

“Areyouserious?”Presleynearlydroppedherglassasshepushedawayfromthe

tableandsteppedupclosetomyfather.“YousentthanlunatictofindAshlyn?Doyou

knowwhathedid?”

“Ifanyonehereisalunatic,it’sthisguy,”DadsaidashepointedrightatEthan’s

face.“Colecomesfromagoodfamily.Hehasambition.Thisguyisgoingnowherefast,

andI’mnotgoingtoputupwithhimbeinghere!”

“Miles!Loweryourvoice!”Vanessamarchedupwitheyesblazing.Shegrabbed

myfatherbythearmandpulledhimtoherside.“Peoplewillhearyou!”

“She’sdoingthisonpurpose,”Dadsaid.“Itoldhernottobringhim,andshe

thinksjustbecausetherearepeoplearound,Iwon’tsayanything,butshe’swrong!I’d

ratherembarrassherabitnowthanhaveherconstantlyembarrassedbythisnutcase!”

“Colehither!”Presleysuddenlyyelled.“Ethan’syoungandalittleweird.He’s

gotmetalalloverhisfaceandtattoos,butIknowhe’snevergoingtodothatshittoher!”

Chillsracedfrommytoes,upmytorso,anddownmyarms.Dad’smouthdropped

open,andVanessagasped.

“Sorryaboutthelanguage,Vanessa,”Presleysaidwithanapologeticshrug.

Vanessa’swideeyesflashedfrommetoEthanandthenfrommyfathertoPresley.

“Fuckthelanguage.”Vanessaturnedtomeandgrabbedmyfacewithbothhands.

“Colehityou?Hehityou?”

“Onlyonce,”Irepliedquietly,tryingnottomeethereyes.

“Onlyonce!”Vanessapracticallyroared.SheturnedherterrifyinggazetoDad.

“Callthatdistrictattorneyfriendofyours.Iwantchargespressed.”

“No,Vanessa.”Ireachedupandpulledherhandsfrommyface.Ifelttears

wellingupinmyeyes.“Itwasalongtimeago.”

“Hecouldn’tlayahandonherlastnightbecauseEthanstoppedhim.”Isaac

rejoinedthegroup.HegrinnedandheldupafisttobumpagainstEthan’s.

“Ashlyn?”Dadtookasteptowardmeandreachedformyhand.“Isallthistrue?”

“Yes,”Iwhispered.

“Ashlyn,baby,Ihadnoidea.Whydidn’tyouevertellmeaboutCole?”

“Idon’tknow,”Isaidwithasniff.“Iwasembarrassedaboutthewholething.You

likedhimsomuch,andIdidn’twanttojeopardizeyourbusinessdealingswithhis

family.”

“Idon’tgiveashitaboutmybusinessdealingswithhisfamily!”Dad’soutburst

shockedme.Apparently,swearingwasnowtoleratedatVanessa’sparties.“Youaremy

daughter—myonlychild—andyouwillalwaysbemoreimportanttomethananyclient.”

Asecondlater,Dadwrappedhisarmsaroundmyshouldersandpulledmeagainst

hischest.Icouldn’tstopthesobsasIheldontohim,andhekeptsayingeverythingwould

beallright.

“I’msosorry,”Dadsaid.“IneverwouldhavecontactedhimifIhadknown.I’m

so,sosorry,Ash.”

“Iknow,Dad.Ishouldhavetoldyoubefore.Ishouldhavetoldeveryone.”

“Yes,youshouldhave.”Vanessajoinedourembraceforamoment,thenheldme

atarm’slengthandbrushedthetearsfrommyface.“Wearegoingtotalkaboutallofthis

atanothertime,butwehavecausedenoughofaspectacleforoneday.Doyouneedto

washyourface,mydarling?”

“I’mallright,”Itoldher.IlookedovermyshoulderatEthan.“Canhestay

now?”

“Ofcourse.”Vanessareachedoverandtouchedhisarmgently.“Itsoundslikewe

owehimourthanks.Besides,it’stimetoservelunch,andwecanhardlythrowhimouton

anemptystomach!”

Andwiththat,mysocialitestepmotherresumedherperfectposture,smiledatthe

onlookers,andshooedthemalltowardthebuffettablelikenothinghadhappened.

“Mr.Dragonov?”Ethantookadeepbreathasheaddressedmyfather.“IknowI

wasinabadplacethatdayIwasinyourofficeaftermyparentsdied.I’msorryIacted

thewayIdid,andIhopeyouunderstandI’mmuchbetternow.I’mfarfromperfect,but

I’velearnedalotsincethen.Onethingisforcertain—Iwouldnever,everlayahandon

Ashlyn.”

Dadjuststaredathim.

“Sheisveryspecialtome,sir,”Ethansaid.“Iknowwhatyouthinkofme,but

you’veonlyseenpartofme.I’dlikeachancetoshowyouwhoIreallyam.”

Myfatherstoodperfectlystillforalongmoment.Hismoustachetwitchedashe

lookedfrommetoEthan.Heinhaleddeeplybeforelettingtheairoutinalong,audible

huff.

“Comeintomyofficetomorrow,”Dadsaid,staringdirectlyatEthan.

“Youroffice?”

“Ifyouaregoingtodatemydaughter,we’regoingtohavealittleman-to-man

talk.”

“Okay.”Ethannodded.“Imean…yes,sir!”

“LookslikeVanessa’sgotthefoodoutalready,”Dadsaid,pointingtowardthe

buffettable.“Betternotkeepherwaiting.”

“Thankyou,Dad.”Ireachedupandhuggedhim.

“Don’tthankmejustyet,”hesaid.“I’mgoingtohavetohavealongtalkwith

thatboy.”

Weatelunchanddevouredthedeliciouscake.Throughouttherestofthe

afternoon,theguestscontinuedtostareatEthanandwhisper.Apparently,justenoughhad

beenoverheardforpeopletodeterminethathehadsavedmefromsomeruffian,andnow

theyallappearedtobeinaweofhim.Ethansmiledateveryoneallthewaytotheend.

“Thatactuallywentprettywell,”Ethansaidasweclimbedbackintomycar.“I

mean,itwasalittlesketchythereforaminute,butIthinktheoutcomewasagoodone.”

“Areyougoingtogoseemyfathertomorrow?”

“Yes.Iknowhe’sworriedaboutwhatI’mdoingwithmyparents’money,butI’m

goingtogivehimmyplanfortheareawheremyfriendslive.”

“Youhaveaplan?”

“Yes,Ido.”Ethansmiled.“JoshandIhavebeenworkingonit.He’stakingnight

classesincivilengineering.Buyingthatapartmentbuildingwasjustthefirststep.Iwant

tobuyallthebuildingsinthatarea—everythingfromthatapartmentallthewaytoGibbs

Park.Wewanttorebuildthatneighborhoodasawholeplannedcommunity,complete

withaffordablehousingandshopping—cleanitup,andmakeitaplacewherepeoplewant

tocomeandlive—createsomejobopportunitieswherepeoplecanmakeenoughto

actuallyfeedthemselvesandmaybeevensavealittlemoneyforthefuture.”

“That’sagreatidea,Ethan!”Ireachedoverandtookhishand.“Andrealestateis

neverabadinvestment.Myfathercertainlyunderstandsthat.”

“Ihopeso.”Ethansighed.“IfheseeswhatI’mdoingandthatIdohavesome

ambitions,maybehe’lldecideI’mokayforyouafterall.”

“Hewillnow,”Isaidbrightly.“Nowheknowsyou’remyhero.”

Chapter27—Meaning

MylifehadbeenreducedtoahugepileofboxesinEthan’sentryway.Everyoutfit

Iowned,thetextbooksIdecidedtokeep,myfavoriteknickknacks,andmysmoothie

makerwereallpackedawayincardboard.Myfurnitureendedupinstorage.

Allright,maybeitwasn’tmyentirelife,butitsurefeltlikeit.

“Didyougetallofthisuphereyourself?”Ethanaskedashecameinthefront

door.“Shit,I’msorry.IthoughtIwasgoingtobeatyoubackhere.”

“Noworries,”Isaid.“Ijusthadthemoversunloadeverythinginapile.Iwasn’t

surewhereweweregoingtoputitall.”

“Sorry,”Ethansaidagainashepulledmecloseandkissedthetopofmyhead.

“We’llfindaplaceforitall.Iwantyoutofeelathomehere.”

Hesmiledbroadly,andIstaredathisfaceforamoment.Somethingwasdifferent,

butittookmeasecondtofigureitout.

“Ethan?Whendidyougetthat?”Ireachedupandgentlytouchedthesecondring

inEthan’seyebrow.

“Thismorning,”hesaidwithashrug.“Ican’ttakeitoutuntilitheals,but,um…it

hasyournameengravedinsideofit.”Heblushedandthentappedhistemple.“Yousee,

I’mnotaloneanymore.Ineededyourepresentedupthereinmyheadwithme.”

“Really?”Ilaughed.

“Whyisthatfunny?”Ethanscowled,andIrealizedI’dinadvertentlyhurthis

feelings.

“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat,”Isaidquickly.“Ethan,Iloveit.Ididn’tmeanthatit

wasfunnyasinhumorous—Ithinkit’swonderful.It’sthecoincidencethatmademe

laugh.”

“Whatcoincidence?”

Iglancedawayshyly.IhadplannedonlettingEthandiscoverwhatIhaddoneon

hisown,butnowIhadtoshowhim.Lookingintohiseyes,Ipulledupmyshirtand

unhookedmybra,revealingmynewlypiercednipple.Ethan’seyeswentwide.

“Oh,fuck!”Hetookastepforward,hisgazefixatedonmychest.Hereachedout

andgentlystrokedit,takinggreatcarenottomoveittoomuch.Iwasgratefulforthat—it

wasstillquitesore.Heglancedoveratmyotherbreast.“Youonlydidtheone?”

“Iwasgoingtogetboth,butdammit!Thathurt!”

Webothlaughed,andEthanexaminedmewithheightenedfocus.

“Isitengraved,too?”

“Yes,”Isaidwithasmile.“It’ssayscarpediem.”

Ethan’sthroatbobbedashisfocusmovedfrommynippletomyface.Hissmile

fadedasawaveofemotioncrossedoverhisfeatures,andasingletearfellfromhiseye.

“Ethan?Areyouokay?”Ireachedupandplacedmypalmagainsthischeek.

“DidIdosomethingwrong?”

“God,no.”Heshookhisheadquickly.“It’sjust…it’sjustfuckingawesome,

that’sall.I’mnotsurehowtoprocessit.”

Istrokedthestubbleonhisjaw,andEthan’srenewedsmilelituphiswholeface.

“Thankyou,”hesaid.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthat.Whatwouldyourdadsay?”

“Well,hopefullyhe’llneverknowaboutit!”Ilaughed.

Ethanranhisthumbaroundmynipple,notquitetouchingthering.

“DoyouhaveanyideahowbadlyIwanttosuckonthat?”Ethansmiledwickedly

ashelookedupatme.“I’llbegoodandwaituntilit’shealed,butdamn,baby…that’sso

fuckinghot.”

“Maybeifyougowithmeandholdmyhand,I’llbeabletogetthroughasecond

one.”

“Deal!”

Ethanbentdownslightly,tookmyunpiercednippleinhismouth,andsucked

hard.Imoanedandreacheduptogriphishair.Hepulledback,kissedmedeeply,and

thenlookeddownatmyface.

“I’msofuckinghardrightnow.”Ethanreachedaroundandgrabbedmyass,

pullingmeagainsthiserection.“I’mgoingtohavetofuckyououthere,rightontopof

theboxes.”

Igiggledbutonlyforamoment.Inthenextsecond,Ethangrabbedtheedgeofmy

shirtandyankeditoffovermyhead.Myjeanswerenext,followedbyhisshirt.Then

withoutwarning,Ethangrabbedmebythewaist,spunmearound,andshovedmeface

firstontopofaboxofbooks.

“Ethan!”Icriedout,laughing.

“Youdon’tlikeit?”Heleanedovermewithhishandonthebackofmyneck,

holdingmedown.Withhisotherhand,heworkedhisfingersbetweenmylegs,sliding

oneinsideofme.“Youthinkyoucanwavethatpiercednipplearoundandnotexpectme

tobendyouoverandfuckyouhard?”

Igasped,andmyheartbegantopoundfaster.

“Isthisokay?”Ethanaskedsoftly,hismouthpressedjustbelowmyear.“Isit

turningyouon?”

“Definitely.”Icouldbarelygetthewordout.

“Good.Nowspreadthoselegs.”

IdidasIwastold,andEthangrabbedmyhipsandpulledthemup.Ihadtostand

onmytoesalittle,usingmyarmsforbalanceonthetopofthebox.Iheardthezipperof

Ethan’sjeanscomedown,thenfelthimpressupagainstme.Hepaused.

“Fuck.”Ethanranhishanddownmyback.“Babe,I’moutofcondoms.Doyou

haveany?”

“Well,somewhereinoneoftheseboxes,butIhavenoideawhere.”

“Shit.”

“IhaveanIUD,”Isaidquietly.

“Youdo?”

“Yes,sincebeforewemet.”

“So,nocondom?”IfeltEthan’shotbreathonmyback.

“It’sokay,”Itoldhim.“Imean,ifit’sokaywithyou.”

Ifelttheheadofhiscockbetweenmylegs.Hestrokedmeupanddown,andmy

thighsclenchedasherammedintomewithagrunt.

“Ahh!”IcriedoutasInearlylostmybalance.Ethanwrappedanarmaroundmy

waistandheldmeinplaceashebegantopoundintome.Heplacedhisotherhandonthe

backofmyneckagain,holdingmyfacetothecardboard.

“Youfuckinglovegettingpounded,don’tyou,baby?”

“Yes!”

Heslowedhispace,andImoaned.Icouldalreadyfeelthepressurebuilding

betweenmylegswitheachpenetration.

“Youwantitslow,sweetheart,”hewhispered,grindingdeepinsideofme,“ordo

youwantitrough?”

“Harder!”Iscreamed.

“Fuck,yeah!”

Ethangruntedandgroanedwitheverystroke,nearlyshovingmerightoffofthe

box,butheheldtighttomywaist,pullingmebackagainsthim.

“Youlooksofuckinghotbentoverlikethat.Icouldjustfuckyoulikethisall

day.”

“God,Ethan!”Ipressedback,stillonmytoes,pushingashardasIcould,

reachingforthatpeak.Itightenedmyhandsintofistsandcriedoutagainaswavesof

pleasurerushedthroughmycore.

“Oh,shit!Ashlyn!”

Ethanstiffenedandgrippedmyhipstightly.Heshovedintomeonelasttimeas

mybodyshookwithhis.Ifelthimemptyinsideofmerightbeforehecollapsedagainst

myback.Asecondlater,bothmylegsandthetopoftheboxgaveout,andwetoppledto

thefloor,laughing.

“Thatwasfuckingamazing,”Ethansaid,stillpanting.“Imighthavetorandomly

boxthingsupeveryfewweeksjustsowecandothatagain.”

“Thatdoesn’tseemlikeagreatuseoftime.”

“Itwouldbeworthit.”Hehuggedmecloseforamoment,thenjumpeduptoget

meatowelandsomewater.

Iheadedtothebathroomtocleanmyselfup.Inthemirror,Ilookedatmyred-

splotchedfaceandsmiled.LivingwithEthanwasdefinitelygoingtohaveitsperks.As

soonasIwalkedoutofthebathroom,Ethanwasrightthere,stillnaked,towraphisarms

aroundmeandkissmedeeply.

“Ifwestaylikethis,we’regoingtogoatitagain,”Isaid.“I’llbelivingoutof

theseboxesforever.”

“Mightaswellgettoitthen,”Ethansaidwithasmile.

Ethanreleasedme,andwecollectedourclothing.Itriedtoignorethewetspoton

topoftheboxwehadsexonandpickeduponeofthesmallerboxes.

“I’vegotit.”Ethanrushedoverandtooktheboxfrommyhands.Heaskedme

whatthelabelonthetopsaidandthenhauledittothesparebedroom.“Ididn’trealize

howmanyclothesyouhave!”

“I’vegotanotherboxhere,”Icalledfromthehallway.“It’sjustshoes.Should

theygointhespareroom,too?”

“MaybeIshouldgetridofsomeofmymom’sthings,”Ethansaidashecameback

outforanotherbox.“Itwouldmakemoreroomforyoursinourbedroom.”

“Onlyifyouthinkyou’rereadyforthat.”

“Idon’tknow.”Ethanstaredatthefloorforamoment.“Imightbethough.Ijust

hatethrowingthemout.”

Ethanwassilentforseveralmomentsandthensmiledslightly.

“Youknowwhatwecoulddowiththem?”

“What?”Ireachedoverandtookhishandsinmine.

“DoyourememberseeingastripmallnearCeeCee’splace?JoshandIweregoing

tobuyitandturnitintoagrocerywithafarmer’smarket.Wecouldtaketheclothesthere

andletthewomen’sshelteracrossthestreetsendpeopleovertopicksomethingsout.

Theyalwaysneedclothesforinterviewstohelpthewomenfindjobs.Whatdoyouthink

ofthat?”

“Ithinkthat’sagreatidea.Thatway,youknowthey’regoingtogooduse.”

“IthinkMomwouldhaveapproved.”Ethantookadeepbreathandnoddedonce.

“That’swhatwe’lldo.”

Ileanedoverandkissedhischeek.

Weunpackeduntilwewerebothreadytopassout.EthanorderedChinesefood,

andwesatinthebeanbagchairstoeat.

“ItoldCeeCee,”Ethansaidsuddenly.

“Toldhimwhat?”

“ItoldhimIboughttheirapartmentbuilding.ItoldhimaboutwhatJoshandI

haveplannedforthewholecommunity.HeknowshowmuchmoneyIhavenow.”

“Howdidhefeelaboutit?”

“Heseemedokay,butAndreaispissedthatInevertoldthembefore.Wehadit

outabit,butthenItoldthemthereasonforcomingclean—Iwanttogivethembothjobs.

Notjustthem,butGwenandFaith,too.”

“Whatwillyouhavethemdo?”

“Andreaisgreatwithcustomerservice,”Ethansaid.“She’sdonelotsofjobslike

thatbefore.Shereallyknowshowtoturnonthefakecharm!”Helaughed.“CeeCeehas

donealittleconstructionbefore,andIwanthimtolearntobeaconstructionforeman,so

he’llassisttheotheroneJoshhired.IwantFaithtobetheheadofhumanrelationsand

makesurewegetaplantogethertoprovidehealthinsurancepeoplecanafford,retirement

plans,too.”

“WhataboutGwen?”

“Gwenlikesgettingdirty,”Ethansaidwithalaugh.“Shealsolovesallthosebig

constructionsmachines.I’msendinghertoatradeschoolwhereshecanlearnhowto

operatethemall.”

“Issheokaywithyoupayingforthat?”

“No.”Ethanshookhishead.“Theonlywayshewoulddoitisifitwerealoan,

andIhavetodockherchecksuntilshe’spaiditallbacktome.”

“Soundslikeadecentcompromise.”

“Iguess.”Hegrinned.“SheneversaidhowmuchIhadtodockherchecks,soI

figureaboutadollaraweekshoulddoit.”

“Andwhatdoesmyfatherthinkaboutallofthis?Youneverdidtellmewhathe

saidduringyourmeeting.”

“Itoldyouitwentfine.”Ethanshruggedandsmiledshyly.

“Vague.”Ipokedhimintheshoulder.“Spillit.”

“Helikesmyidea,”Ethansaid.“Heevensaidhe’dhelpuscomeupwiththe

businessplanandletterofintentfortherealestatepeopleandcityplanning

commissioner.”

“Ethan,that’sfabulous!”

“Hegavemeabiglectureonappearance,though.SaidIneededtoditchthe

piercingsandstartdressinglikeabusinessman.Itriedtoexplainthemeaningbehindit

all,butIdon’tthinkhegetsit.”

“I’mnotsureheeverwill,”Isaid.“Idothinkheappreciatesyourdressingupfor

meetingsathisofficethough.”

“Hecommentedonmyshoes.”Ethanlaughed.“ItoldhimChuckswere

expensiveaswellascomfortable,buthejustmadeafacelikehewassuckingalemon.”

“Iknowthatlook.”

“AndreasaidIlookedlikeoneofthosemodelsinthedepartmentstoreads.”

“Youdo.”Ismiled.“So,yourfriendsarestillacceptingyoueventhoughyou

havemoney?”

“Yeah.I’mkindasurprised,butnowthattheyknow,Ifeelbadfornottellingthem

before.”

“Youareafabulousguy,”IsaidasIwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneck.“They

alreadyknewthat.Areyougoingtobringthemhere?Showthemyourplace?”

“Maybeafteryougetsettledin.”Ethanlookedaroundatthemayhemofboxes.

“It’skindofamessrightnow.”

Hewrappedhisarmsaroundmywaistandheldmetightagainsthim,placingsoft

kissesonthetopofmyhead.Itwasn’tgoingtobeeasy,andIwasn’tdeludingmyselfinto

thinkingthatitwouldbe.EventhoughDadhadreluctantlyacceptedEthan,Iwasgoingto

takecontinuousflackforbeingwithhimevenwhenhedidshaveandputonanicesuit.

Zoeyhaddiscontinuedherjokes,andPresleyhadchangedthetoneofherstolight-

heartedribbing,butIstillgotalotofgriefaboutEthan’sage.Iwasn’tgoingtopretend

thatIdidn’tcarewhattheythought.Ihadn’tcomethatfarjustyet,butEthanmeantmore

tomethantheydid,sowhatevertheyweregoingtodishout,Iwasgoingtotake—for

him.

Hishandsranupintomyhair,andhepulledmyfacetohis,hislipsandtongue

strokingmymouth,mychin,mythroat.Asmybodybegantorespondtohimagain,I

noticedsomethingIhadneverfeltbeforeinmylife—notwithanyman—asenseofdeep,

serenecalmthatcameoverme,heldme,andcaressedmymindasmuchasEthan’shands

werecaressingmybody.Irelaxedcompletelybackagainsthischestandjustfelt.

“Oh…Ethan…Iloveyou.”

Myteethsankintomylip,andIcouldfeelmyheartrateandbreathingaccelerate

asthecalminstantlydisappeared,andtheserenefeelingwasreplacedwithhorror.My

handsstartedtoshakeasItriedtofigureoutwhatinthehellIhadjustsaid.Imean,I

knewthewords.IknewwhatImeant,andIknewtheimplicationsofspeakingthem

aloud,especiallyafteronlyknowingeachothersuchashorttime.Hecouldbolt.He

couldboltrightnow.Allofthis…allofthiscouldbefornothingifIhadspokentoosoon.

“Ashlyn,”Ethansaid,placinghishandonthesideofmyfaceandmakingmelook

athim.Hetrailedhisfingersupanddownmycheekandgavemethatcocky,shyhalf

smile.“Getthatpanickedlookoffyourface,baby.IknewhowIfeltaboutyouthe

momentIrealizedIwantedtomakeyouFrenchtoast.IknewIdidn’twanttojustmakeit

thatmorning—eventhatfirstnightyouwerehere.IknewIwantedtomakeyoubreakfast

everydayfortherestofforever.”

Hebrushedmylipssoftlywithhis,backandforth,thecoolmetalfromtherings

startingtofeellikehomeasmuchashisarmsdidwhenhewrappedthemaroundmywaist

andheldmetight.

“Iloveyou,Ashlyn.”

Tiltingmyheadalittle,IlookedupintoEthan’seyes,andhegavemethefull-

fledged,double-barrelsmilethatlitupmyexistence.Insidemybody,itfeltlikemyheart

wasswellingup,likehisgazewasenoughtocompleteme.AsIbroughtmylipsbackto

his,Iknewwhateverwefacedinthefuture,weweregoingtofaceittogether.Ihadbeen

soclosedforsolong,itfeltgoodtofinallyletsomeonecompletelyandtotallyinside

again.Maybeitwouldn’tbeperfect,andmaybesomethingsweregoingtobetough,but

foronceinmylife,Iwasn’tgoingtodowhateveryoneelseexpected.Iwasn’tgoingto

dowhatotherpeoplethoughtIshould.Foronce,Iwasgoingtodowhatwasrightforme

—forbothofus.

Carpediem.

~~TheEnd~~

MoreBooksbyShaySavage

EvanArdenSeries:

OtherwiseAlone

FormerMarineLieutenantEvanArdensitsinashackinthemiddleofnowhere,waiting
forordersthatwillsendhimbackhome—ifheevergetsthem.OtherthanhisloyalGreat
Pyrenees,there’snoonearoundtobreakupthemonotony.Theheatisunbearable,buthe
makesdowiththelittlehehas.He’saccustomedtoharshconditionsandsimplyexistsas
besthecan.Thetediumisexcruciating,butitissuddenlyinterruptedwhenayoung
womanstumblesuphispath.

She’slost;she’scute,andhecan’tresistthetemptationofluringherintohisbed.Why
not?It’sbeenages,andheisOtherwiseAlone.

OtherwiseOccupied

EvanArdenisahitmanforaChicagomobbossandmovesthroughlifewithdarknessin
hissoulandaguninhishand.Thosewhoknowhimforwhatheisfearhim,andthose
whofindoutthehardwaynevergetachancetotellanyoneelse.Thefewpeoplewhoget
aglimpseinsidehisheadwishtheyneverhad.Amercilesskiller,hisonlyloyaltyresides
withhisemployer,themanwhocallstheshotsthatrainfromEvan’sweapon.

AsaPOWoftheGulfWar,Evanspentmonthsincaptivity,andthememoriesofhis
confinementcombinewiththoughtsofthewomanheleftinArizona.Heliveshislife
day-to-daywithlittlemorethanthecompanyofhisdog,Odin.Asinsomniaovertakes
him,heseekscomfortfromanunlikelysource,butwillconfidinginherbehisundoing?

He’sstrugglingtoforgethispastandtokeephimselfOtherwiseOccupied.

OtherwiseUnharmed

AfterEvanArdenwasimprisonedbytheenemyforayearandahalf,hereturnedfromthe
desertasamilitaryhero.He’dsufferedsomeminorinjuriesduringhiscaptivity,was
dischargedfromtheMarineswithatouchofshellshock,butwasconsideredotherwise
unharmed.Nowhewondershowheendedupwhereheis—incarceratedinChicago’s
MetropolitanCorrectionalCenterforusinghissharpshootingexpertisetotakeoutthe
neighborhoodparkwithahigh-poweredsniperrifleandmultipleroundsofammunition.

LiaAntonio,thewomanherescuedfromthedesertheatthepreviousyear,istheonly
personwhocanbringhimoutofhissleep-deprivedpsychosisandmountingPTSD.When
shedoes,Evanknowshecan’tjustlethergoagain.He’sneverconsideredleavingthe
businessbefore—whoretiresfromthemafia?—buthe’sdeterminedtogetbothLiaand
himselfoutofharm’sway.

Evanfacesoverwhelmingforcesfrommultipledirectionsasadealtogethimoutofjail
turnsmoredangerousthanheimagined.Withamobwaronthehorizonandthefeds
holdingevidenceoverhishead,Evanhasnochoicebuttothrowhimselfintothemiddle

ofanotherwarzone.

Inhiseffortstomakethingsright,Evancrossesthewrongmanandfindshimselfonthe
businessendofthecrosshairs.Withhisacuteperceptionandintelligence,hetriestostay
astepaheadofhisformerco-workers,butthistime,itisn’tjusthisownlifeontheline—
he’sgottoprotectLiafromthemanwhooncecalledhimson.

Isolated

Improvise,Adapt,andOvercome.ThemantraisgoodenoughfortheMarines;it’sgood
enough for me. Improvise … Near the top of the world, I fight for my life against my
opponent,SebastianStark.Hehastheupperhandinstrength,butIhavethecunningto
turn the tables on him. I battle the elements, my demons, and him until Stark and I
managetostrikeadealtoensurefreedomforusboth—andthewomenwelove.

Adapt…Beingalonecomesnaturallytome.I’vespentmostofmylifealone.Sharing
myexperiences,openinguptoanotherhumanbeing,developingarelationship—allthese
thingsareforeigntome.SometimesIwonderifit’sevenmeanttobe.

Overcome … I’ve been away from Lia for far too long, yet I still have commitments I
mustkeep.WhenImakemywayhome,IwilltellherIhavedecidedtoendthelifeIhave
ledandmoveontobecomethemansheneeds.Icanovercomemydemons;Imust.But
willLiabewillingtowait?

Irrevocable

Haveyouevermadeamistake?

Abigone?

I’mbackinChicagoandbackinbusinesswithmyboss,RinaldoMoretti.Somuchfor
my run at a normal life. There are some new faces in the organization, and someone’s
beencookingthebooks.Personally?Ithinkthey’reaftermorethanajustlittlecash.IfI
haveanyhopesofflushingoutthetraitor,I’mgoingtoneedtofindagoodhookertohelp
mesleepatnight.

As the bodies pile up, I find solace in Alina. There’s something about her, something
different.Sheunderstandsmewithoutaskingalotofquestions.It’sasifshe’sknownme
foryears,yetwe’veonlyjustmet.IfIweren’tsodistractedbybusiness,I’dtrytofigure
outherstory.She’stheonlyonekeepingmegroundedasmyworldspinsoutofcontrol.

I’mgoingtolosetheonemanwhohasevermeantanythingtome–theonlymantoever
callmeson.Iwanttodenyhisrequest,butthereisnoavoidingwhatawaitsme.Inever
wantedanyofthis,butI’moutofoptions,andtimeisrunningout.

Somechoiceshaveunforeseenconsequences,andsomechoicesaresimplyirrevocable.

Uncockblockable

NickWolfeisfamousinChicago—oristhatinfamous?He’snotonlyknownasthe
illegitimatesonofMafiabossRinaldoMoretti,butalsoasanunstoppableladies’man.He
alwaysseemstogetthegirlintheend,evenwheneveryonearoundtriestoplotagainst

him.He’sapartyguy,doesn’twork,andspendsallhistimepickingupwomenand
makingnotchesonhisheadboard.He’stheultimateladies’man…oristhatman-whore?
However,hisdaysofinfamycometoastartlinghaltwhenhemeetsher,andsheturnsthe
tablesonhim.

SurvivingtheStormSeries:

SurvivingRaine

AsthecaptainofaschoonercateringtotheeliteontheCaribbeanSeas,SebastianStark
doeshisbesttoavoidanyhumanencounters.Interactingwithpeopleisn’thisthing,and
heprefersthecompanyofabottleofvodka,ashotglass,andmaybeawhore.There’sno
doubthe’shidingfromacheckeredpast,buthedoeswellkeepingeverythingtohimself…

…untilthenighthisschoonercapsizes,andhe’sstuckonaliferaftwithoneofthe
passengers.

Raine’syoung,she’scute,andBastianwouldprobablybeintoherifhewasn’tsuffering
fromalcoholwithdrawal.Asthedayspass,DTs,starvation,anddehydrationbecomethe
norm.Eventhemostclosedpersonstartstoopenupwhenhethinkshe’sgoingtodie,but
whensherealizestheirtraumaticpastsareconnected,it’snolongertheelementsthathave
Bastianconcerned.

Hehasnoideahowhe’sgoingtoSurviveRaine.

Bastian’sStorm

SebastianStarkjustisn’tcutoutfornormallifewithagirlfriendinthehotandhumidcity
ofMiami.Allinall,he’dratherbebackontheislandwhereitwasjustthetwoofthem,
andhecouldkeepeverythinginbalance.Thebardownthestreettemptshimdaily,but
he’sdeterminedtoremainstrong.Adjustingtonormallifeisdifficult,butBastianis
doinghisbesttokeephimselftogetherandthenightmaresaway.Raine’shappy,and
that’swhatmatterstohimthemost.

Butnotallnightmarescanbedrivenaway.

WhenBastian’sformermentorcomesintothepictureandpresentshimwithanultimatum,
Bastianslipsintooldhabits.ThoughhewantstoshieldRainefromthetruth,theshady
circumstancesofhispastformintoahurricanehecan’tcontrol.Inanefforttoprotecther,
Bastianhasnochoicebuttothrowhimselfbackintohisoldjob—deathmatch
tournaments—justonelasttime.

Droppedintothearcticwildernesswithweaponsloaded,Bastianhastocompeteagainst
representativesofmajorcrimelordsfromallovertheStates.He’sstudiedhis
competition;heknowstheirweaknesses,andhe’sreadytobattleforthewomanheloves.
There’sonlyoneopponentinthemixthatcauseshimanyconcern.Inordertoguarantee
Raine’ssafety,BastianwillbepittedagainstthekeyhitmanforChicago’slargestmob
family—aguywho’sknownasonehellofashot.

AguynamedEvanArden.

UnexpectedCircumstancesSeries:

Book1:TheHandmaid

Inaboldpoliticalmove,SirBranfordclaimsahandmaidashisbrideinsteadofthe
expectedprincessinanattempttosparkawar.PoorAlexandraknowslittleofhowto
behaveasthewifeofafuturekingandknowsnothingofthemanwhoissuddenlyher
husband.

Alexandraknowssheisbeingusedasapawnandmustdoherbesttoavoidscheming
noblewomenandthescornedprincess,acceptherpositionasherhusbandascendstothe
throne,andovercomeherfearsofthemanwithwhomshenowsharesabed.

SirBranfordisdeterminedtohaveitall–thekingdom,awifeofhischoosing,andthe
revengeheseeksforthedeathofhisfather.Hedoesn’texpectthenaïvehandmaidto
becomemoreimportantthanheevercouldhaveforeseen.

Book2:TheSeduction

AsAlexandratriestoconformtohernewlife,shesoondiscoversthatbetrayalliesinside
thecastlewalls.Whennoblewomenplotagainsther,Alexandraendsuponthereceiving
endofBranford’srage.Earningthetrustofherwaryhusbandwillbenoeasytaskforthe
younghandmaid.

Branfordmayknowhiswayaroundtheirbedchamber,buthe’sfindinghimselfill-
preparedtohandlethedutiesofbothprinceandhusband.Hismisstepsbringdownthe
wrathofthequeen,andhewillhavetodoeverythinginhispowertoatoneforhis
transgressions.Branfordmustfindawaytoopenhishearttohisnewwifeifeitherof
themhasachanceofovercomingthetreacheryahead.

Book3:TheConsummation

Withsteadypatience,SirBranfordteacheshisyoungwifethepleasurestobefoundin
theirmaritalchambers.Thoughstillunsureofherself,Alexandrabeginstoopenherselfto
thepossibilitiesandopportunitiesofhernewlife.AsBranfordexpresseshisdesireto
havemorethanamarriageofpoliticalcontrivance,Alexandrafindsfacetsofhernew
husbandthatpromiseprotection,loyalty,andmaybeevenlove.

Asshegainsadeeperunderstanding

ofherhusband,Alexandrasoondiscoversthereis

moretobeingSirBranford’swifethansharinghisbed.QueenSunnivahadtoldhertobe
“nobleofheart,”andwhenthelivesofaristocratsrestinAlexandra’shands,shefinally
beginstounderstandtheimportanceofherpositioninthecourtandinherhusband’slife.
Soon,BranfordbeginstoappreciatehowvaluableagiftAlexandraistohiskingdom.

Book4:TheShortcoming

AsthebondbetweenAlexandraandBranforddeepens,theyeachhavetheirhopesforthe
future.Branfordaspirestoleadhiskingdomwithbothwisdomandafirmhandwhile
Alexandraferventlywishestogiveherhusbandanheir.AsAlexandralearnstoembrace
hernoblerole,shefindsfriendshipwiththegirlsherescuedfromanabusiveowner.It
seemsasthoughtheirliveshavefinallyrewardedthemwiththehappinesstheyhave
sought.

Buthappinesscomesataprice,forwarisonthehorizon.

TheneighboringkingdomofHadebrandhasamassedanarmy,andagainstinsurmountable
odds,Branfordmustleadthefightforhispeople.Alexandraisterrifiedbutcannotlether
fearshowforshemustserveasanexampletotheirkingdom.

Thewarmusteventuallyend,butthereisonlyonethingonBranford’smind—tocontinue
theroyallineage.ButhowwillAlexandraovercomeherheartachewhenshecan’tgiveher
husbandtheonethinghemusthave?

Book5:TheConcubine

Royaltyrequiressacrifice.

AsKingCamden’shealthdeclines,theneedforanheirbecomescrucial,impossibleto

ignore.Withnootherviablechoice,AlexandramuststandstoicallybywhenHadley

comestothecourtofSilverhelmasBranford’sconcubine.Thequeen’sedictofduty

echoesthroughAlexandra’smindassheacceptstheloathsomeconditionsforthesakeof

thekingdom.TheonlypersonmoredevastatedbythecircumstancesisBranfordhimself.

AsBranfordspurnsAlexandra’saffectionsandKingEdgarcontinuestopresshispost-war

advantage,allseemslosttotheyoungcouple.Treacherystillliesdeepwithinthecastleof

Silverhelm,andtherevelationofthetraitorwillcomefromtheleastlikelyofsources.

Book6:TheApprehension

Withtwotraitorsremovedfromtheirmidst,BranfordandAlexandrarekindletheirfaithin
oneanother.BranfordinsistsonremainingatAlexandra’ssideatalltimestoprotecther
asherallieshisalliesagainstKingEdgarandthekingdomofHadebrand.

Alexandra’sgraceandhumilitytouchtheheartsofthepeopleofSilverhelm,andthe
coupleissurroundedbytheloveoftheirpeople.Whenthelong-awaitednewsofanheir
onthewayreachesthepeopleofthekingdom,allrejoicealongwiththeirkingandthe
commonerqueen.

Buttreacherystilllivesintheheartsofthosewhowishtoseethedestructionof
SilverhelmandtheywouldbewillingtocauseAlexandraharmtoachievetheirgoal.

KingEdgarstillwillnotrelent,butwillhisroleinpasteventsbeexposed?Branfordisnot
invincible,anddespitehisvowstokeephiswifesafe,Alexandraisstillvulnerable.When
theunthinkablehappens,Branfordmaynotbeabletosurvivetheloss.

Book7:TheDevastation

AlthoughBranfordisbrokenanddesperate,hefindshimselfwithnochoice:Hemust

declarewaragainstHadebrand,orEdgar’sevildarknesswillenvelopthecommonwealth.

Silverhelm’sarmyisgrosslyoutnumbered,butBranfordunderestimatesthepeople’slove

fortheircommonerqueen.Thepeopleriseupinsupportoftheirbelovedregent,and

Branfordseesaglimmerofhopeforhiswife.Hebecomesmoredeterminedthaneverto

makeupforhispreviousfailuresandsecurethefutureofhiskingdom.

Withtheirmurderousintentions,thetreacherousKingEdgarandPrincessWhitneymust

payforwhattheyhavedone.Theymustnotbeallowedtodestroyeverythingthepeople

holddear.

Withbutfainthopeinhisheart,Branfordgathershispeopleandmarchestowardthecastle

inHadebrand,gatheringalliesalongtheway.Withthesupportofothernoblefamilies,

Branfordwillhavetofindthestrengthtofightfortheverysurvivalofhisownfamilyand

theentirekingdom.

Heseesonlyonepath:theannihilationofhisenemy.

CagedTrilogy

TakedownTeague

ThisisnotmadeforTV.Thisistheraw,brutalundergroundofno-holds-barredcombat.
InsidethecagethereisnothingbutmeandthepainIinflictonthosewhodareenter.In
thecage,Ineverhavetoworryaboutanyonebutmyself.Yet,whenshebeganstanding
outside of the cage, everything changed. I was no longer fighting for the money or the
glory–Iwasfightingforher.

Trapped

BizarreritualsonaremoteislandinMaine.

Mycrazyneighborlyingnakedintheproducesectionofagrocerystore.

Thestingofaknifeasitslicesthroughmyflesh.

NowIknowwhytheysaylifeisnevereasy.

ThesofttouchofTria’shandagainstmychestistheonlythingthatkeepsmegoing,but
thereareconsequences.Asafighter,Ishouldbeabletodealwithanythinglifethrowsat
me,butthereisonecircumstanceIsimplycan’thandle.

Ionlyhaveonecopingmechanism—atubearoundmyarmandaneedleinmyvein.

Released

Oblivionisasweet,sweetplace.

Nopain.Nodisturbingthoughtsofthepast.Noguiltfrommyrecentactions.

Deepdown,thereisstillapartofmethatknowshowscrewedupIam.Idon’tseeaway
out, not now. Tria’s gone, and the possibility of her forgiving me in my current state is
exactlyzero.IknowIhavetopullmyselftogether,acceptmyresponsibilities,andtryto
makeamends,butIhavenoideawheretostart.

Nojob.Noapartment.I’mlivingonthestreetswiththeotherjunkies.AslittleasIhadto
offerTriabefore,Ihavenothingtogivehernow.Theonlywayoutistocomecleanand
tellTriathetruthaboutmypast,buttheideaofrelivingthememoriesissopainful,Ican’t
thinkaboutitlongenoughtofigureoutasolution.

I’vehitrockbottom,andIdon’tevenknowwhichwayisupanymore.

StandAloneNovels

Deklan

Myfatherowesadebt.

Iamhiscurrency.

I’msupposedtomarrytherecentlycrownedmafiakingoftheFoleyfamilyasrepayment
formyfather’stransgressions.Idon’tunderstandwhytheFoleyswouldwantme,but
I’vegrownupinacrimefamily,andIknowtheuglyconsequencesofnotdoingwhat
you’retold.

Butastheweddingdateapproaches,thedealchanges,andI’mabouttobewedtoamanI
knownothingabout.Infact,Idon’tevenknowhislastname.

Insteadofbecomingamafiaprincess,I’mmarryingthehenchman.

Deklan.

Afteronelookathim,I’mnotsureI’llsurvivetheweddingnight.

Transcendence

It’ssaidthatwomenandmenarefromtwodifferentplanetswhenitcomesto
communication,buthowcantheyovercometheobstaclesofprehistorictimeswhenone
ofthemsimplydoesn’thavetheabilitytocomprehendlanguage?

Ehd’sacavemanlivingonhisowninaharshwilderness.He’sstrongandintelligent,but
completelyalone.Whenhefindsabeautifulyoungwomaninhispittrap,it’sobviousto
himthatsheismeanttobehismate.Hedoesn’tknowwhereshecamefrom;she’s
wearingsomeprettyoddclothing,andshemakesalotofnoiseswithhermouththatgive
himaheadache.Still,he’sdeterminedtofulfillhispurposeinlife—provideforher,
protecther,andputababyinher.

Elizabethdoesn’tknowwheresheisorexactlyhowshegotthere.She’sconfusedand
distressedbyherpredicament,andthere’sacavemanhaulingherbacktohiscavehome.
She’snotatallinterestedinEhd’sprimitiveadvances,andshejustcan’tseemtogethim
tolisten.Nomatterwhatshetries,gettingherpointacrosstothisprimitivebutbeautiful
manisaconstant—andoftenhilarious—struggle.

Withonlyeachotherforcompany,theymustrelyononeanothertofightthedangersof
thewildandprepareforthewintermonths.Astheystruggletocoexist,theirsbecomesa
lovestorythattranscendslanguageandtime.

Offside

Ihavetobethebest.Iamthebest.I’mquick.I’mstrong.I’msmart.I’mthestar
keeperofmyhighschoolsoccerteam,andI’vegotmajorleaguesscoutingme.Astheir
captain,myteammateswilldoanythingIsay—onoroffthefield.Girlspracticallybegto
beaddedtomylistofconquests.AslongasImanagetogoproforthebestteaminthe

world,Iwon’thavetoworryaboutmyfather’swrath.

I’mThomasMalone,andI’veseentoitthattheworldrevolvesaroundme.

There’sanewgirlatschool,andit’sjustamatteroftimebeforeshegivesintomy
charm.Thisone’sjustalittlemorestubbornthanmost—shewon’teventellmeher
name!She’ssmart,too.Maybetoosmart.Ican’tletherin.Ican’tletanybodyin.I’m
nottooworried,butevenIhavetoadmitshe’sinterferingwithmyfocusonthegoal.

Dad’snotgoingtobehappyaboutthat.

DidImentionIloveShakespeare?Yeah,Iknow.I’mawalkingcontradiction.According
totheBard—“someareborngreat,someachievegreatness,andsomehavegreatness
thrustuponthem.”Somehow,Igotallthree.

Nowhowisanyonesupposedtoliveuptothat?

Worth

AninjuredRomanTribunusfindscomfortinthetouchoftheslavecommandedtotendto
hiswounds.Asaslave,hervalueismeasuredasacoupleofcoins,butasTribunus
Faustuslearnsmoreabouther,hebeginstounderstandhertrueworth.Still,amanofhis
stationcanneveracknowledgefeelingsforaslave,andsheisalreadyownedbyanother
man.

Alarm

Safeandcomfortable.ThataboutsumsupChloe’slife.Meetingatall,darkstranger
coveredintattoosisnotinherplans.Badboysjustaren’thertype—eveniftheyare
gorgeousandbuiltlikeabrickwall.HerinternalalarmswarnherthatAidenHunteris
definitelyonthelistofmenhermothertoldhertoavoid,butshedoesn’tlisten.Instead,
shefindsherselfdrawntoAidenandtheexcitementhepromises.

NearthebeachinMiami,heoccupiesherdayswiththrillsandhernightswithpassion
she’sneverexperiencedbefore.Sheknowshe’shidingsomethingfromher,butChloe
pushesawayherconcernsandembracesthisnewwayofliving.

AsAidenteacheshertolivelifetothefullest,Chloebattlestheinternalwarningsthattell
hertobewary.Bythetimesherealizesherfearsmaybejustified,it’stoolate.

Aiden’spastiscatchinguptohim,butishethehunterorthehunted?

Commodity

Awomanhuntedbyhumantraffickers.

Ahotanddangerousbodyguard.

Utterdestruction.

Theendofcivilization.

Thebeginningofanewformofcurrency.

WomenarenowthehighestCOMMODITY.

Specimen

Iawakeninalaboratory.

Idon’tknowwhoIam.

I’minexplicablydrawntothedoctorwhocaresforme.ShetellsmeI’vebeenaltered,

thatI’mstrongerandfaster,thatI’llbeakeycomponentinawarthathasallhumanityat

stake.ShesaysIvolunteeredforthis.ShesaysIvolunteeredtobetransformed,butI

havenowayofknowingifwhatshesaysistrue.

Somethingisn’tright.Mymemorieshavebeentaken,wipedclean,butdreamsbeginto

slipintomyconsciousmind.Ican’tletanyoneknowwhenthathappens,orthey’ll

removemymemoriesagain.Somewhereinsideofme,IknowIneedtoremember

somethingimportant.

I’mfightingawarIdon’tunderstand,andtheonewomanIrelyoncan’tbetrusted.

Savaged

FourtalesneverbeforepublishedbyUSATodaybestsellingauthorShaySavage.

Anexecutiveinneedofsometemporaryrelease.ADomlookingtocleansehissoul.A
twistedcollegeencounter.APAandaterrorist’sunlikelymeetingduringanoffice
buildingtakeover.Fouralphamalesjustwaitingtofulfillyourfantasiesinthesehotshort
stories.

AreyoureadytobeSavaged?

Includes:

SameTimeTomorrow:ExecutiveJulianReddickistiredofhisbrandofhandlotion
butdoesn’thavetimetodate.What’sthesolution?Callina“nooner”fromahigh-
classcompanyofill-repute.ValerieWoodsisexactlythedistractionheneeds.

CleansingBonds:ADomwhohadhurttheonehelovedandanabusedsublookingfor
release.Botharesuretheywillneverbeabletofindwhattheyneed,buttheyfindhealing
witheachother.

Encounter:Onaweekendnightnearcampus,acollegegirlwalkshomealonefromthe
localbar.Whoiswatchingherfromtheshadows,waitingtotakeadvantageofthe
situation?

WantNoMore:Olivia’snewjobtakesanunexpectedturnwhenterroriststakeoverher
officebuilding.Oliviaistakenhostage,butAdam,thesexyheadhenchman,seemstobe
exactlywhatOliviadesires.

BONUSSTORY

WhatIWant(WantNoMorefromAdam’sPOV):AdamLebourn’slifeforthepastthree
yearshasleaduptothispoint,buttoexacthisrevengeonthemanwhoruinedhislife,he
isgoingtohavetorelyonadecentamountofluck.Heneverexpectedhisgoodluck
charmtoappearintheformofabeautiful,submissivePA.

KindleUnlimited—ReadforFree!

StandAloneWorks:

Commodity:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B016V9LK0C

Specimen:

www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01BFZXUWS

Worth:

www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00KAFC6MK/

BoxedSets:

SurvivingTheStorm–SurvivingRaineandBastian’sStormBoxedSet:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OE9I6NQ

EvanArden–thecompleteBoxedSet:

www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01899NUUK

CagedTrilogy:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LW7UHQF

NovellaCollection:

Savaged:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00Q9DRR1W

AbouttheAuthor

ShaySavageisanindependentauthorfromCincinnati,Ohio,wheresheliveswithher
familyandavarietyofhouseholdpets.Sheisanaccomplishedpublicspeakerandholds
therankofDistinguishedToastmasterfromToastmastersInternational.Herhobbies
includeoff-roadinginherbig,yellowJeep,sciencefictioninallforms,andsoccer.
Savageholdsadegreeinpsychology,andshebringsalotofthatknowledgeintothe
characterswithinherstories.

Fromtheauthor:“It’smyjobtomakeyouFEEL.Thatdoesn’talwaysmeanyou’llfeel
good,butIwantmyreaderstobeconnectedenoughtomycharacterstocare.”

Savage’sbooksmanybooksspanawidevarietyoftopicsandsub-genreswithdeeply
flawedcharacters.Fromcavementoaddictstohitmen,you’llfindyourselffallingfor
theseseeminglyirredeemablecharacters!

Website:

http://www.shaysavage.com/

Webstore:

http://www.shaysavage.com/#!merchandise/cw7q

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/ShaySavage7289

Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5160667.Shay_Savage

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/savage7289/

Twitter:

https://twitter.com/Savage7289

Blog:

http://shaysavage.blogspot.com/

Document Outline

Chapter 1—Preparation
Chapter 2—Ride
Chapter 3—Interview
Chapter 4—Decision
Chapter 5—Explanation
Chapter 6—Bonding
Chapter 7—Evaluate
Chapter 8—Fear
Chapter 9—Obligation
Chapter 10—Read
Chapter 11—Escape
Chapter 12—Time
Chapter 13—Heartache
Chapter 14—Escalate
Chapter 15—Fascination
Chapter 16—Allure
Chapter 17—Longing
Chapter 18—Logic
Chapter 19—Chances
Chapter 20—Acceptance
Chapter 21—Resolve
Chapter 22—Position
Chapter 23—Expectations
Chapter 24—Deals
Chapter 25—Incident
Chapter 26—Enlighten
Chapter 27—Meaning
More Books by Shay Savage
Kindle Unlimited—Read for Free!
About the Author

Wyszukiwarka

Podobne podstrony:
Judging Books by Savage7289 COMPLETE
Mollusks Books
Judging the Bull Terrier Usa
16 01 14 Gail Rebuck on BOOKS and READING article Guardian
MCP Books
Cnidarians Books
North Light Books 1995 Drawing Nature ISBN 0891345795 148s
Język angielski What are your?vourite books
13 Magic Books
Crustaceans Books
Books in our limes
Krentz books by?te
Barker, Clive Books of Blood The Inhuman Condition
ecdltest, bibl, List of Non-Fiction Books in Stock
j.angielski, MEL INSIDE, The other(s) = the rest `Only those books are mine; the others are f
Doc Savage Authors (doc)
e books
Groa's Top Nine Heathen Books

więcej podobnych podstron

Judging Books Shay Savage

Document Outline