Confessions By morethanmyself
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6198159/1/
Prologue
We were standing in front of security check in at Sea-Tac, my carry-on bag slung
over my shoulder, ticket in hand. A faceless mass of people hurried past us,
moving forward, coming home, going away, carrying on, as if the world wasn't
falling apart around them, as if this moment wasn't the end of everything.
"Bella, all you have to do is ask me to stay and I will." Please, please ask me to
stay.
"You have to go, Edward. Your life is waiting, everything is waiting for you. She is
waiting for you."
I could see the tears she was holding back, her slightly too pink cheeks betraying
her emotions, and her breath stuttered minutely on the exhale. Our almost 17
years of friendship allowed me to see the chinks in her carefully constructed
armor. To anyone else, she was as calm and collected as always, the mask firmly
in place.
"I love you, Bella. I'll always love you."
"I know," she said sadly, as she kissed my cheek, gave me one last tight hug and
walked away.
I watched her until she turned a corner and was out of sight. She didn't turn
around, she never does. I decided that this would be the last time I watched her
walk away, and it would be the last time I confessed my love. She was right, my
life was waiting for me; I couldn't make it wait anymore. Steeling my resolve I
walked to security check-in and this time I didn't look back.
Ch. 1: The First Time
The first time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she laughed. I didn't mind.
We were sitting in our meadow, knee to knee, crossed legged in the tall grass,
my gangly, awkward frame dwarfing her. My head was slightly itchy from the
heat, brownish-red hair falling into my eyes behind my glasses. I was
concentrating on writing in the leather bound journal she had gotten me for my
birthday the week prior. She was curled around her well worn copy of Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Galaxy, reading it for the hundredth time and randomly snorting at
the off-beat humor. There, surrounded by the sounds and smells of Spring-
cicadas buzzing, warm grass, rich earth, seemed like the perfect place for my 14
year old heart to confess itself.
"Bella?" I whispered, looking up, studying her heart-shaped face and watched her
beautiful brown curls dance in the wind.
She raised an eye brow, but didn't lift her head.
"B...," I called slightly louder, needing to know she was actually listening.
"Hmmm?" was her absent-minded reply, her face still buried in her book.
"I love you."
Her brown eyes shot up to meet my jade green ones, staring at me intently in
surprise and my heart caught in my throat. Maybe I'd made a mistake, maybe I
shouldn't have told her, but I always told her everything. After several seconds,
her face softened, and my heart began to beat again.
"Oh, Edward, I know. You're my best friend!" She laughed, a lyrical sound that
was swiftly carried away on the breeze. "Hey, I have to go. I promised my Dad
I'd be home in time to start dinner. I'll see you tomorrow."
She stood up, brushing the grass and dirt off her khaki shorts, pulled down her
blue "Self Rescuing Princess" t-shirt, and shoved her books into her army green
messenger bag. I watched her as she jogged down the trail until it curved, and
she was out of sight.
I wasn't really expecting anything, the whole exercise was more about an
overflowing of my love for her and an overwhelming urge for her to know than a
need for her to return my feelings. Which was probably for the best, since Bella
was never one for emotional outpourings. It took her five years of friendship to
call me her best friend. I've known since we were six that she was mine and told
her every chance I got.
Bella was fearless, even as a little kid. She swung higher than anyone else,
climbed to the roof of the jungle gym with the bigger boys, and never backed
down from the mean kids. She was my savior more than once. Despite her
inability to vocalize her feelings, she has always been one of the most loyal and
protective people I've ever met.
One day, in Kindergarten, we were swinging at recess, pretending we were
astronauts, flying through outer space in our ships. My swing was suddenly
wrenched to a stop, and I was shoved to the ground. My palms stung from the
impact with the ground and there was a sharp, piercing pain in my knee, tears
welled up unbidden in my eyes. I didn't even need to look up, I knew who it was:
James Hunter. He and his friends were the bane of my short existence.
"It's my turn now, Cullen!"
Without a second thought, my tiny protector was on her feet, nose to chest with
James.
"Leave him alone! Do you want me to tell my Dad that it was you and your
brother that spray painted the fence on the playground?" she ground out through
clinched teeth, eyes narrowed in hatred. She was almost silent in her anger, the
quiet rage deafening.
His ice blue eyes widened and James immediately backed down, a terrified look
on his eight year old face. Bella was scary in her own right, but it's amazing what
invoking the name of Chief Swan can do, especially if it would land you in the
back of his police cruiser.
"That's what I thought, James. Go pick on someone your own size!"
We watched his retreating form walking quickly across the playground, back to
his friends who were snickering at him. Bella helped me up, wiping the dirt off my
hands. She kneeled down to inspect my knee, blood seeping from a cut.
"You should go tell Ms. Cope, it's dirty and bleeding."
Without waiting for me to respond, she grabbed my hand and started walking.
She pulled me along behind her, marching me across the playground, as if her
sole purpose in life was to escort me through the minefield of childhood. Just
before she passed me off to the teacher I tugged on her arm to get her attention.
"What, Edward?" she asked slightly exasperated at being deterred from her task.
"I just wanted to tell you that you're my best friend," I said with a huge grin.
She looked startled for a moment and finally, with a sad smile, she pulled me
forward to Ms. Cope.
That night, I drew Bella a picture with her as a brown haired, stick figure
superhero, saving my red-headed stick figure from an ugly, green blob monster.
On the back, in my best handwriting, I wrote, "Thanck You From Your Best Frend
Edward." Later, I would realize that she never returned the words, but at the
time, her actions spoke plenty loud for me. She was my best friend, she
protected me and played the best games, of course I was her best friend, too. I
was confident in the knowledge that it was me and Bella against the world.
At least until Alice and Emmett Brandon moved to town half way through our 5th
grade year. Alice was eleven, like us, and somehow even smaller than Bella, who
had always been the smallest kid in our grade. Alice's short, spiky black hair and
brightly colored clothes were visual warning of her overly-exuberant personality.
She kind of scared me, jumping up and down in excitement over everything, and
she was just so loud. Her brother Emmett was twelve, but a late start to school
put him in the same grade as his sister. He was loud like his sister, but at least
he didn't jump around all the time- he just liked to clap me on the back every
time he told a joke. It hurt.
Bella immediately took to them, she invited them to sit with us at lunch and to
play with us on the playground. Where it had always been the two of us,
suddenly it was the three of them and me. Alice and Emmett were nice enough,
but I was supposed to be Bella's best friend and I couldn't understand why they
were always there.
The Brandons had been in our class for almost three weeks when I finally decided
that Bella was tired of being my friend, and I wasn't going to wait around for her
to ditch me. If she wanted them so badly, I wouldn't stop her.
The second day in a row that I went home instead of meeting them at the
playground after school, Bella showed up at my bedroom. She walked in
hesitantly, looking sad and lost. That worried me, Bella never looked lost, she
always knew where she was going. I just knew she was there to tell me that she
couldn't be friends with me anymore.
"Edward, why weren't you at the park yesterday or today?" she whispered,
standing awkwardly next to my bed where I lay hugging a pillow.
I'd turned my back to her so she wouldn't see me crying.
"I'm sure your new friends were more than happy that I was gone," I replied
bitterly, angrily flicking away a tear from my cheek.
"I don't understand, Alice and Emmett are nice, they want to be your friend, too!
But, you won't talk to them and now you're avoiding me. Edward, you're my best
friend- I can't have fun unless you're there!"
I sat up and looked at her incredulously, I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging
open. "I'm your best friend, Bella?"
"Of course, silly, who else would it be?"
"And you really want me there, I'm not just in the way? You know that I don't run
fast, Bella and I don't like to talk a lot. Alice and Emmett talk all the time, I
thought maybe you wanted new friends who would talk more."
"Yes, I really want you there! You and me can be quiet together, they talk
enough for all four of us," she said grinning widely at me, her eyes twinkling with
happiness. She held her hand out to me. "Come on, they're waiting for us at the
park. I want to show them the place we found that dead snake last summer!"
I jumped off the bed and ran off with her, ecstatic to have my best friend back.
Ch. 2: The Second Time
The second time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she cried. They weren't happy
tears.
Bella has always hated her birthday and I've always taken it upon myself to make
the time surrounding the day as least traumatic as possible. Unfortunately for
both of us, Alice never understood Bella's refusal to participate in any events
related to her birthday. The year B turned 15, Alice was especially relentless
about celebrating, and Bella was especially morose about the impending date.
About a week before her birthday I was walking down the hallway at Forks High,
on my way to meet Bella outside of her Geometry class, like always. As I turned
the corner I saw Bella and Alice standing in front of their lockers. Bella's whole
body was tense and her face was red with anger. Alice looked like she might cry.
"Every year we go through this, Alice! How long have you known me? Four years?
And in that time, how many times have I asked you not to make a big deal of my
birthday?" she hissed quietly, trying to avoid making a scene.
"But, Bella, turning 15 is important, I don't understand...", Alice's voice
incredulous.
"It's my birthday and I choose to ignore it," Bella interrupted her harshly. "You
will respect that, Alice. I don't want to have to have this discussion anymore. It's
hard enough without the constant threat of surprise parties and birthday
dinners."
By this point it was obvious that Bella was almost at the end of her rope. I wasn't
sure what caused her reaction, but it was obvious that she needed to cool off. I
swiftly walked towards her and put my arm around her shoulder, giving Alice a
warning look, I asked Bella if she wanted to go for a walk. The anger left her
body and she sagged against my shoulder, nodding her head in agreement.
We walked towards the woods behind the school, trying to make our escape
unnoticed. I followed her for several minutes before she stopped and sat down,
oblivious to the Autumn chilled ground. I sat in front of her with my legs crossed,
so I could watch her face and try to read what she was thinking. She was resting,
breathing deeply for a little while, neither of us talking. She hated losing control
and she always needed time to recover afterwards.
There was a slight bite to the air, the leaves were already starting to change
color. The only sounds were the occasional flock of geese overhead and the wind
rustling through the dry leaves. It was very peaceful and seemed to help Bella
regain her usual calm.
"B, what happened?", I asked gently.
"Alice just couldn't fucking leave it alone!" she spat out. "She kept trying to
manipulate me into agreeing to something, anything, to celebrate my goddamn
birthday. She's one of my closest friends, why can't she see how much this
upsets me? I shouldn't have to explain my reasons." She sounded so worn down,
not all the fierce girl I was used to.
I reached out to move her hair from her face, so I could see her eyes. When she
finally met my gaze, her brown eyes were pools of sadness and it made me ache
for her. "You're right, she can be completely overbearing when she wants
something. But, B, she's always been like that, and usually you get her to back
off without losing it. What's really going on?"
Bella sighed deeply, she closed her eyes for a moment and then reached for her
backpack, rummaging around until she found what she wanted. She smoothed
her hands over the surface of an envelope for several minutes, debating with
herself. I knew what it was, and now her reaction made sense- her mother,
Renee. I'd only ever seen her this upset over Renee one other time. I didn't think
it was possible for me to hate the woman any more than I did, but I was wrong.
"I don't get it, Edward. Why does she do this to me every year? I don't want this,
I want her. And if she won't give me that, then I want to just pretend that she's
dead or something. But knowing that she's out there, alive and breathing
somewhere, and can only be bothered to acknowledge that I exist once a year- it
fucking kills me!
"Every year my birthday comes, and I hope that maybe this one time I'll be able
to live without the reminder that she didn't want me. That maybe this year I'll be
able to look at my birthday as something other than the day I ruined her life. And
every year she sends me a useless fucking card with useless fucking sentiments
and is too much of a coward to give me a way to contact her so I can tell her to
go to hell."
"Bella, I can only imagine how much this hurts you, but she's the one missing
out. You're a wonderful person, B. An amazing, loyal, kind friend and daughter.
You didn't do anything wrong, you can't blame yourself for her choices. There are
lots of people that love you; Alice, Emmett, Rose, Jasper, your dad, my parents,
they all love you. B, I love you."
Tears ran over her cheeks, falling soundlessly off her chin. She looked so broken
in that moment, so utterly small and defeated. I scooted closer to her so I could
pull her to me and wrapped my arms around her waist, she hid her face in the
crook of my neck. Usually she shied away from physical affection, but I was
always grateful when she allowed me to comfort her.
"Do you know you are the only person who's ever said 'I love you' to me and
meant it? Charlie is more stoic than a damned statue, and it would never occur to
her to love a daughter she hasn't seen in years. Sure, Alice says it when she
wants something and your mom is so sweet, but I can't help but think that she
mostly pities me. But, you say it and I think maybe it's true."
"It is true, Bella. You're my best friend, I love you."
She whispered, "I know."
Pulling away from me, she handed me the envelope, stood abruptly and gathered
her bag as she took a deep breath. "Ok, well, there it is," she gestured towards
the paper in my lap. "I don't care what you do with it. Burn it, turn it into confetti
for the horrid party Alice wants, give someone a nasty paper cut, I don't care.
But, I have to go to Government now. I'll see you at lunch."
She walked quickly back towards the school, I watched her movement until she
was lost among the trees. I knew better than to follow her, she was done talking
about it.
I looked down at the envelope, addressed to her with no return address. The
postmark was Phoenix, AZ. I lifted the flap and pulled out a birthday card, on the
front was a very innocuous drawing of flowers and the words "Happy 15th
Birthday, Sweetheart!". I opened it slowly, as if there might be a bomb inside,
although from the looks of Bella, it had already exploded and ripped her heart to
shreds.
Bella Baby,
Happy Birthday! I can't believe you're already 15! I'm sure you're becoming a
beautiful young woman. I think of you every day and hope that you are well and
happy.
Thinking of you,
Renee
I grew up in an amazing family. My parents, Carlisle and Esme, my Grandpa Aro
and my Aunt Elizabeth all loved me very much and I knew it. We weren't perfect,
my Dad worked too much and my mom had a tendency to pry and smother me,
but I knew at the end of the day they were there for me no matter what. I didn't
know just how lucky I was.
Bella and I had been friends for almost 3 years before it really noticed how
different our families were. We were in the 2nd grade, and our class was having a
party for our moms to celebrate Mother's Day. Everyone was excited to have
their family there for the morning, some of the kids were bringing an Aunt or
Grandmother, but everyone was bringing someone. We had spent the day prior
straightening up the classroom and making special signs and favors for our
guests. Bella helped, but she seemed grumpy all day.
That afternoon we were at my house playing in my room, when it occurred to me
that I didn't know who she was bringing with her. "Hey, B? Who's coming with
you tomorrow?"
"Umm, no one. Do you want to see my new Pokemon cards?"
"You already showed them to me yesterday, remember? And what do you mean,
no one?"
Bella didn't answer. Her cheeks flushed pink and she sat twisting her fingers in
her lap with her head bent. She looked embarrassed, but that didn't make sense.
I was about to ask her why she didn't just ask her mom, when I realized I had no
idea where her mom was.
"B, where's your mom?". She cringed when I said the word 'mom', and mumbled
something I couldn't hear. This was not good, my best friend didn't mumble. She
always spoke loud and clear.
"Bella?"
"I said, 'I don't know'", she snapped at me. "She left when I was a baby. She
sends me a card for my birthday every year, but I've never met her."
"You hate your birthday, why would she send a card? Doesn't she know that you
don't like it?" I asked innocently.
"Edward, why do you think I hate my birthday? She makes me hate it. I don't
know why she would want to send me a card when she didn't even want me."
Bella was angry and yelling, her whole face was red. I was completely
dumbfounded, I had no idea how to react to her like this.
My mom came in the room, "Guys, what's all the shouting?". Then she noticed
Bella, who was now sitting on my bed crying softly. "Edward, why don't you go
down to the kitchen, I have your snack set out. I need to talk to Bella for a
minute, and then I'll send her down." I gave my best friend a soft smile and
walked out, but I didn't go downstairs. I didn't mean to defy my mom, but if Bella
needed me, I wanted to be near by. So, I sat outside the door and waited.
"Edward Anthony, kitchen- now." Mom raised her voice from inside my room,
leaving me no choice but to comply; without even looking at me, some how she
knew I was still on the stairs.
I huffed and stomped down the stairs to the kitchen. My mom had left chocolate
chip cookies and milk out for us, they were my favorites. I sat down to eat my
snack and think. There had to be something I could do to make Bella feel better.
It wasn't fair that I had a great mom, even when she used her 'Mom Voice' on
me, and Bella didn't have one at all.
After a while Bella and my mom came into the kitchen, Bella looked like she had
been crying more, and my mom's face was pink, her eyes shiny. Bella sat down
next to me and looked at me shyly. "I'm sorry I yelled Edward. I wasn't mad at
you."
"It's okay. I hope you're feeling better now."
She looked up at my mom and gave her a big grin, before turning to me, "Much!"
"B, I was thinking. Why don't we share my mom tomorrow. She can come with
both of us. I mean you're my best friend and we share everything anyway, so it's
already like she's your mom, too."
I was completely caught off guard when Bella threw her arms around my neck
and hugged me tightly. "Thank you, Edward. You always know how to make me
feel better." She sat back down and we finished our snack, happily talking about
all the things we were going to do tomorrow in class when 'our' mom came to
visit.
Chapter 3: The Third Time
The third time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she kissed me. It wasn't the first
time.
I had always known that Bella was beautiful. Around the time she turned 16, it
seemed that all the other guys in Forks realized it as well. It was obnoxious how
they tried to push me aside to get to her. After all, I had loved her since she had
knobby knees and braces. I had loved her when she was twelve and decided to
chop her hair off in an awkward pixie cut like Alice's. I had loved her long before
the douche jocks even realized that B was a girl and a gorgeous one at that. I
had definitely loved her longer than James Fucking Hunter. But, that didn't stop
him from trying to get in Bella's pants.
We were at lunch, in our usual places, one Friday in November: Rose and Emmett
sitting together, Alice and Jasper next to them and across the table from Bella
and me. We were talking about the bonfire at First Beach that was coming on
Saturday, sorting out designated drivers since it was the first time Emmett hadn't
had to drive us and deciding on what food we were bringing. Our conversation
was interrupted by James sliding into the seat beside Bella. He barely
acknowledged the rest of the table before he started hitting on her.
"So, Beautiful Bella, are you going to the bonfire tomorrow?" he asked in what I
think was supposed to be a seductive tone, but he sounded like a jackass. He was
slimy, his dirty blond hair pulled back into a greasy ponytail, two-day scruff on
his face; beyond being a football player, I really couldn't see why he was so
popular. Yet, he carried himself as if it were a privilege just to share the same air
as him.
"Yeah, that's actually what we were just talking about before you interrupted,"
she didn't even try to hide the annoyance in her voice. I smirked at him and
snorted, earning an elbow to my ribs from B and a glare from James.
"Well, I'll make sure to look for you there then," he said as he got up to walk
back to his table. Bella rolled her eyes, but it seemed like her cheeks were just a
little pink and I saw Alice raise her eyebrow and smile slyly at Bella.
wwwwwwwww
Bella was officially drunk. I had tried to make sure she didn't drink too much, but
she must have caught on, because now she was just avoiding me. I sat on the far
side of the fire from her, watching the flickering orange light play up the red
undertones in her hair and making her eyes dance. James was moving
progressively closer to her, and she was no longer scooting away.
I felt sick knowing she would rather have him near her than me. Her laughter
drifted over to me and James leaned over, putting his hand on her leg and
whispered in her ear. She looked up at him wide eyed and nodded her head with
a shy smile on her face. I heard her tell Alice that she would be back in a minute,
and watched her walk off with James.
I knew she would be pissed if she saw me, but I couldn't stop myself from
following them. I had to make sure she was safe, and I didn't trust the douche. I
stayed several yards behind, close enough to keep any eye on them, but far
enough away that they wouldn't notice me.
They walked for a few minutes, Bella drunkenly running in and out of the surf. It
was a beautiful, cold night, the sky was clear and the stars looked like a million
focused points of light embedded in a black velvet blanket. James stayed close
by, playing the role of protective friend- my role, close enough to come to her aid
if she fell, far enough away to not make her uncomfortable. Bella lost her footing
as she was running from a wave that had crested closer on the beach than the
others, James had his arms around her almost instantly, stopping her fall, and
they stood laughing together.
I watched as James' hand came up and pushed a strand of wayward hair out of
her face, tucking it gently behind her ear. He trailed his finger down the curve of
her cheek, and continued following the line of her neck and across her shoulder.
As I watched him lower his face to hers, he made eye contact with me and
winked. I didn't even have time to think before I was beside them and my arms
were around Bella, pulling her roughly away from James. I could feel her tremble
slightly and was about to deck the asshole for scaring her, until I actually looked
at her face. She was livid. With me.
"What the FUCK, Edward! What the hell is your problem?" she had shoved me
away and was standing rigid and glaring, her chest heaving as she screamed at
me. I had royally fucked up.
"Bella, you're drunk and this dick was trying to take advantage of that! I was just
protecting you..."
She cut me off, with a menacing narrowing of her eyes. "Did it look like I wanted
protecting? Fuck, Edward, it was just a kiss!"
James chose that moment to remind us of his presence, "This has nothing to do
with you, Cullen. Bella's a big girl, she can take care of herself." He put his arm
around her shoulder and she let him lead her further down the beach. She had
made it very obvious that I was in the way, and there was nothing I could do.
"Fine, by all means, please continue!" I said angrily, in disbelief. I stalked back
towards the fire, cursing angrily under my breath. He was taking advantage of
her and yet, I was the asshole.
"Yo, Edward, what's up?", Emmett yelled loudly from beside the fire as I walked
by, the slur already apparent in his speech; Rose was going to have her work cut
out for her getting him home.
"Nothing, James is just a fucking douche and B's drunk and pissed at me. I'm
heading out, will you try to keep an eye on Bella and make sure she has a ride
home?". Even though I was pissed off, I couldn't just leave her high and dry.
"Sure, man, no problem; she can ride back with us. You sure you don't want to
stay? I heard that Charlotte was looking for you," he said, raising his eyebrows
suggestively.
"No, I'm going home. I can't sit around and watch that," I said defeated, raising
my hand in the direction I'd just come. I saw the look of pity on his face and left
without another word. Pathetic, I was fucking pathetic.
wwwwwwwww
I didn't sleep at all Saturday night. I laid awake, tossing and turning, worrying
about Bella. Nothing about the situation made sense. I had never felt so
possessive of Bella, she was my best friend, she wasn't mine, and B had never
reacted to me with such vitriol. The whole thing was just infuriating and
confusing. Why did it have to be James of all people? How could she not see that
he was just using her?
By late Sunday afternoon, I still hadn't heard from Bella. I couldn't call her, I
didn't know if she was still angry and would just ignore the phone, but I had to
know if she'd made it home okay. I drove over to the Swans' house and breathed
a sigh of relief when I saw the Chief's car was gone.
I parked on the street and was halfway up the drive when B opened the front
door and moved to sit on the porch swing, waiting. I sat next to her, careful to
give her space; she pulled her knees in front of her, wrapping her arms around
them, curling up into the corner. I rocked us back and forth, neither of us talking.
She didn't look like she had slept anymore than I had, her eyes were sad, dark
circles under them. Finally, she spoke softly, "Hey".
"Hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay last night", I said quietly,
trying to explain my presence, hoping that I wasn't making things worse. We'd
never really fought before, I was out of my element.
"Yeah, Rose drove me home," she seemed as lost as I was. "What happened last
night, Edward? I mean, I remember what happened, but why did it happen?"
"I don't know, B. I just hate that guy, and he was only making a move on you to
piss me off." That was apparently the wrong thing to say, I realized as anger
flashed across her features.
"So, he couldn't possibly just honestly like me? Is that it, Edward? If some other
guy shows interest, it must be about you?", her voice was deceitfully calm, her
eyes burned with anger.
"Bella, that's not what I meant and you know it. Any guy would be lucky for you
to even speak to him, much less kiss him. It's just James, I don't understand why
you let him kiss you." I was forcing my voice to stay even and under control,
screaming wasn't going to help anything.
"Edward, it was a kiss, a simple fucking kiss! Did it ever occur to you that I know
exactly what James is after? And that just because he's after it, that doesn't
mean he's going to get it? I can take care of myself," she looked at me, her
expression tense and guarded, her voice frustrated.
"I'm not a stupid naive little girl who needs a superhero lurking in the corner
waiting to swoop in and save me from myself. There are going to be guys who
kiss me, there are going to be girls who kiss you. That's life. You can't throw a
tantrum every time you don't like my choices!"
"Jesus, Bella, you make it sound like I'm some overbearing asshole! You're my
best friend, I love you, I just want to make sure you're safe. But, if you want me
to back off, fine, I'll fucking back off," I yelled in frustration; so much for staying
calm.
I took a deep breath, trying to reign in my anger. This was just stupid; she was
right, she could date, kiss, fuck, whoever she wanted and as long as it's what she
wanted, it had nothing to do with me.
"I don't know why things are so fucked up, B. I don't understand...watching him
kiss you, I wanted to rip his goddamn head off," I said lowly, in an effort to keep
things from escalating again. I lowered my voice even more, almost whispering,
"I'm sorry I overreacted."
She sighed, sounding as tired of fighting as I was, "I know; I'm sorry, too."
She moved closer to me, unfurling her legs and resting her upper body against
my chest. We sat swinging in silence, my arm holding her close to me. I had
never noticed before just how perfectly she fit in my arms and I wasn't sure why
I was noticing it now, or why it felt so damn good.
The quiet, rhythmic 'thud-thump' of my feet sweeping across the wooden boards
of the porch as I rocked the swing was the only sound for awhile. I was watching
the clouds move across the sky, just enjoying sitting with Bella and glad that we
seem to have come to something of an understanding. I thought maybe she had
fallen asleep, but when I glanced down she was staring up at me intently. I didn't
recognize the look on her face.
The air around us suddenly felt charged and my eyes were locked on hers. I had
no idea what this was, but it made my stomach bubble nervously. The movement
of Bella's tongue darting out to wet her lips caught my eye, and my focus flicked
back and forth between her lips and her eyes. Without conscious thought, I was
lowering my lips to hers as she tilted her head so I could kiss her more
comfortably.
Our lips met gently, tentatively. Her lips were soft, she tasted warm and sweet,
all mint and girl. We spent several minutes just moving lips to lips, enjoying the
feeling of flesh against flesh. Eventually I reached out for her lower lip, gently
tugging on it with my teeth, nipping and sucking, causing her to moan softly. She
opened her mouth, inviting me in, and I didn't hesitate before I deepened the
kiss. If I thought her lips were nice, her mouth was exquisite. Her tongue was
warm velvet caressing mine. I was lost in this kiss, completely overwhelmed,
nothing existed outside of her lips and soft whimpers.
Bella moved herself to straddle my legs, our hips aligned and I knew she could
feel my cock pushing up between her thighs. I don't think I had ever been this
hard. Every time she nipped my lip or sucked on my tongue, my hips would grind
up into her. I thought I was going to pass out, the feeling was so intense. My
hands were caressing her sides, lightly sweeping over the sides of her breasts;
her hands were tangled in the back of my hair, tugging lightly. Quickly, things
spun out of control and I was grinding up into her as her hips moved back and
forth rhythmically. A loud moan from one of us, I couldn't tell who, brought us
back to reality quickly.
My best friend and I were sharing a hot ass kiss and dry hump on her front porch
and her father, a man who carries a gun and knows 'people', would be home any
minute. Bella pulled away quickly, almost throwing herself into the other side of
the swing, looking at me with wide, shocked eyes.
"Uh, I...I have to go. I'll, umm, see you tomorrow," she stammered out, her brow
furrowed and she started worrying her bottom lip in nervousness. Before I could
even respond, she was in the house, closing the door with a final 'click' of the
lock.
I sat there, staring at the door for a few minutes, trying to calm my heart rate
and ignore my dick, which was throbbing angrily at me. This was very different
than the first kiss we shared, and something told me that was going to be a
problem. I was so fucked.
The first time B and I kissed we were in a coat closet in the basement of Mike
Newton's house. We were in the 7th grade and it was our first 'unsupervised'
party. In reality, Mike's parents were just upstairs, but somehow they were
oblivious to the mild debauchery taking place below them.
The whole draw of Mike's party was that we were going to play Seven Minutes in
Heaven. Everyone had talked about it for weeks ahead of time, it was a big deal,
being alone with each other and no adults around. Our group of friends, which
had expanded by two since Jasper and Rosalie Hale moved to Forks earlier that
year, had vowed to stick together.
Emmett and Rosalie had already had their turn, and there was no way I was
kissing Alice, which left her with Jasper. Jessica and Lauren were making weird
eyes at me and Mike was practically salivating over Bella. B looked around the
room and announced loudly, "Edward and I will go next!", while glaring at Jessica
and Lauren. I almost laughed out loud at the pout that formed on Mike's face
when he realized he couldn't have B.
When the closet was open, we walked in and closed the door. In the semi-dark,
we sat next to each other with our legs crossed in front of us. I figured we would
just sit there and wait for the time to be up, Bella had other ideas. As she leaned
towards me, I leaned away.
"What are you doing, Bella?" I asked her nervously.
"Well, seeing as we're in a closet to kiss, I thought I was kissing you..." Bella
trailed off, suddenly less sure than she had seemed a few minutes ago. "If you
don't want to, we don't have to."
"Umm, I...I didn't know you wanted to?" I said, though it came out as a question.
"I was just thinking, you know how Mike said if they didn't think we had actually
kissed that we would have to come back in with someone else?", she asked. I
nodded for her to continue.
"I just don't want to have to come back in with anyone else. So, I thought if we
actually kissed, we would be able to, you know, not...come back...with anyone
else," she finished awkwardly.
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense," but I was still angled away from her and
wasn't sure if we should or not. Apparently, B was done being unsure though
because she put her hands on my shoulders.
"Hold still, Edward. I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to get this over with so
we can get out of here. It smells like moth balls." Her nose was crinkled in
disgust. It really did smell bad.
So, I sat very still, nervous and a little bit afraid, as B moved towards me. I felt
like I should do something to prepare so I puckered my lips and suddenly her
wet, squishy lips were pressing against mine. It was weird. And wet. And squishy.
I couldn't see why teenagers seemed to spend so much time doing this. We sat
like that awkwardly pressing our lips together for several seconds before we
broke apart.
I looked up at B, with my eyebrows knitted together, not knowing what to do
next. As soon as our eyes met, though, Bella and I just started cracking up
uncontrollably.
"It was so wet and gross!", she cackled loudly.
"I know, why do people do that?", I asked through my laughter.
Once our laughter quieted down and we were standing up to stretch our legs,
there was a loud knock on the door- our signal that our time in 'heaven' was up.
Bella looked at me and whispered, "Well, at least now we know that we don't
ever want to do that again!". We walked out to the jeers and catcalls of our
classmates, laughing.
Standing just outside the door, looking slightly green, was Jasper with a bouncing
Alice at his side. Bella and I looked at each other, trying to contain our knowing
giggles as I held the door for Jasper. "Yeah, have fun with that..." I snickered at
Jasper, closing the door behind them.
Chapter 4: The Fourth Time
The fourth time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she wasn't even listening. I gave
her space.
Junior year had finally ended and everyone was in the mood for a party and being
the masochistic bastard that I am, I agreed to go. Emmett and Alice offered up
their house, since their parents were going out of town that weekend. Jasper
promised beer, I chose not to question how he was going to pull that off, as long
as he did.
That's how I found myself sitting on their couch, obligatory red Solo cup in hand,
trying to dodge questions from a very drunk Emmett.
"I just don't understand, man, you guys were like, fated or some shit! What the
hell happened?" I took another drink of my beer before I repeated another
variation of my non-answer.
"I don't know Emmett, nothing happened. We're fine." Yeah, that was a flat out
lie. I kissed her. That's what happened. I knew better, I knew I was playing with
fire, and fuck if I didn't get burned.
"No, no, you guys aren't fine. Come one, you guys can't even be in the same
room together." Where the hell did Observant Emmett come from?
Bella and I had been weird since before Thanksgiving, six months ago. Six
months of calculated avoidance. Six months of her making small talk and then
running out of the room as quickly as possible. Which is exactly what happened
when I got here earlier tonight. She stuck around long enough to say a quick
hello, and then was gone. I had taken up residence on the couch, and was now
being held hostage by Emmett's introspection.
"Emmett, I'm telling you, nothing's wrong. We've just been busy. I'm sure we'll
be inseparable again soon enough and you guys can all continue to play
matchmaker." I tried to make my bitter laugh sound casual. Hopefully, Observant
Emmett was only able to come to glaringly obvious conclusions.
"And what's with her bringing dates everywhere? I mean the fucking movies?
Why the hell did she need a date to see a movie with all of us? That's weird,
right?" I take it back, if Emmett were the least bit observant he would have cut
the rant short the second he mentioned her dating, because he would have seen
the vein in my forehead pulsing and heard my teeth grinding.
"Hey, look at that, Emmett, my beer's empty. I should go get a refill," I was out
of my seat and across the room before he even had a chance to respond. I
grabbed another beer from the kitchen, and made my way out the backdoor,
hoping to find some quiet in the yard. I didn't even look up as I sat down in one
of the lounge chairs, until I heard someone softly clear their throat. Looking up, I
saw a girl I knew from around school, Charlotte Tanner.
"Edward, you look like someone just kicked your puppy. It's a party, how can you
be sad when there's free beer?" she quipped.
Charlotte had always been on the fringe of our group, she was the kind of girl
who was friends with everyone and no one at the same time. She was friendly
and outgoing, very popular, but just wasn't part of any particular group.
"Yeah, not really in the party mood. Though, you're right, free beer can only
make things better," I conceded with a small smile.
"So where have you been hiding? I never see you around anymore." Oh god,
please not this. I just need one person to talk to about something besides the hell
that has become my life.
"See, if I told you, I'd have to kill you. Top secret and all," I joked lamely, hoping
she would get the hint.
She didn't even miss a beat before she replied. "Top secret, huh? Hmmm, so,
you're like a spy for the government. Or maybe a hired hit man! Edward, have
you turned to a life of organized crime?" she snickered, and I noticed how her
laughter caused her blue eyes to light up.
"You've caught me. I promise not to tell, if you don't," I laughed along with her.
"I'm very good at keeping secrets, just so you know," she said. Though she was
still being playful, I couldn't help but think she was also letting me know she
knew more than she let on, and was willing to listen.
We sat outside for awhile just talking about our plans after graduation, where we
were going to college, majors, basically all the life-plan bullshit we were both
elbow deep into. At some point, the conversation turned more personal and we
began talking about our interests.
"So, what's your favorite movie genre?" she asked, with her eyebrow raised
questioningly.
"Well, you're going to think I'm weird. I don't know anyone else who likes them,
but I love foreign films," I tell her, trying to sound confident. It's not something I
admit to often, and I'm a little nervous about what she'll think.
"Shut up!" she startles me by yelling. "I thought I was the only person in Forks
who watched foreign movies! I go to the Seattle Film Festival every year. Have
you ever been? It just closed, like, a week ago. Some amazing, amazing works."
"Yeah, I went one weekend in May, and managed to make it back up there last
weekend after school let out for the closing night. I think this might have been
one of the best years yet!" It felt a little surreal to be having this conversation.
Bella was never one for movies at all, and the others were more interested in
popular movies, whining that foreign art films were too depressing. I was usually
forced to resort to online message boards to talk about the movies I watched.
For the next two hours we sat there, just talking about anything and everything.
It was the first time in months that I thought about something other than how
fucked up my relationship with my best friend was.
Charlotte suddenly let out a loud yawn, covering her mouth with her hand. "Oh,
sorry about that. I didn't realize I was so tired. How long have we been out
here?"
I looked inside and realized that the party had started to die down and there were
really only a few people left inside. I mentioned it to her and we both got up to go
back in.
"Hey, I need to go find my sister and see if she's still going to give me ride home.
I'll say 'bye' before I leave, okay?" she asked, looking around the room. I
nodded, knowing that I should at least check on my friends before I headed out.
I found Emmett and Rosalie making out on the couch and Jasper and Alice
weren't anywhere, I figured it was safer if I didn't try to find them. I caught sight
of Bella across the room.
"Hey Bella, do you have a ride home?" I asked, trying to sound casual. She
looked up at me startled.
"Um, yeah, I came with Eric. He's going to take me home, I think he just went to
say goodbye to someone, and then we're going. Oh, there he is now." Eric walked
up to her and put his arm around her shoulder.
"Oh, okay then. I guess I'll see you later. Maybe we can hang out this week?"
hoping it didn't sound as desperate as I felt.
"Yeah, maybe. I'll call you sometime," she brushed me off. Fuck, that hurt more
than I wanted to admit.
"Sure. Bye, B," but she was already out the door with Eric. "I love you," I
whispered after her.
Charlotte walked up behind me, "You okay, Edward? You've got that kicked
puppy dog look again. I worked hard to get rid of it before, do I have to make
more lame jokes?"
I don't think I've ever been more grateful in my life than I was at that moment
for Charlotte's distraction. "Oh god, no more lame jokes, I'll smile, I promise," I
laughed. "Hey, did you find your sister?"
"Er, no and her car's gone. I guess she thought I'd already left. I'll just call my
mom to come get me."
"I can give you a ride home, if you want. It's really the least I can do, after you
sacrificed two hours to my emo-ness."
"Well, you do kind of owe me," she agreed, laughing. I led her out to the car, and
even though my heart felt like it was being ripped into pieces by the situation
with Bella, I couldn't help but feel like maybe we would get through this. Maybe
we both just needed some space.
"Hey, Charlotte? There's a small showing of some of the Seattle Festival's past
years winners in Port Angeles next weekend. Would you want to check it out?" I
asked her hesitantly.
"Yeah, Edward. I'd like that a lot."
In retrospect, B had been nothing but honest about how she felt about close
friends dating. When Rose and Emmett got together in the 8th grade, she was
quietly resistant to the idea. She never said anything to them, but I was
subjected to more than one rant.
"I just don't see how they can risk everything like that. I mean, what's so wrong
with being friends? We're friends and don't feel the need to go around shoving
our tongues down each other's throats, right?"
"I don't know, B. I don't think it's really that simple. Emmett's been drooling over
Rose since she moved here. I'm not sure they've ever really been just friends."
"And what about the rest of us? What happens when they break up, and we have
to choose sides? I've known Emmett longer, but I'm closer to Rose. I don't want
to have to pick, and I don't want to have to sit around while they figure out how
to be in the same room." She sighed heavily, "It's just a really bad idea for
friends to date, Edward. Nothing good can come from it."
Chapter 5: The Fifth Time
The fifth time I told Bella Swan I loved her, we had sex. It was a one time thing.
"Edward, this is a bad idea. Please, listen to me. I'm your friend; I wouldn't push
like this if I didn't think it was important." Charlotte was pleading with me. Even
over the phone, I knew she was giving me her big, blue puppy-dog eyes; pulling
out all the stops. I knew she would react like this, so I had tried to keep it from
her.
Unfortunately, she can read me like a fucking book. She knew right away that I
was keeping something huge from her and she called me on it. And of course I
spilled, because she also has weird voodoo powers that can make me talk. Only
she does it without me even realizing I'm telling her anything, all the while I tell
her everything. If I'd learned nothing else this past year, it's that Charlotte
always knows...and is usually right.
"You guys are finally talking again, are you really going to fuck that up? You leave
for Chicago in two weeks; it's not like you're even going to have time to do
damage control when this goes horribly wrong." Now she was just hitting where it
hurts, because that was exactly my fear.
"I don't know what else to do, Char. We've been best friends since we were little
kids, she asked me because she trusts me. I love her. Am I really supposed to
just sit back and let it be someone else?"
"Yes! Yes, that's exactly what you're supposed to do. Eddie, I'm telling you. You.
Cannot. Sleep. With. Bella. You can't." She paused to see if she would get a rise
out of me over the Eddie comment. I knew better than to give in and she
continued, " And not just because I think she's a selfish little twit and doesn't
deserve you..."
I interrupted her then, "Char, we've been over this. You don't know her like I do.
She's not really selfish. The whole thing is just complicated, there's other stuff
going on."
"You say that every time, Edward and I have yet to hear any of this evidence that
makes her anything less than a self-centered bitch. I was there to pick up the
pieces, remember? It's going to be awfully hard for me to do that again from
1100 miles away."
"I know, Charlotte," I sighed. "I'm gonna miss the hell out of you. What does
Miami have that Chicago doesn't, anyway?" I was trying to change the subject,
hoping she wouldn't notice.
"Don't think for a minute that I don't know what you're doing, Edward." I could
hear her eyes narrowing at me. "But, fine, I've said my piece, you're a big boy."
Now it was her turn to sigh. "So, Miami versus Chicago, eh? Yeah, hands down,
Miami every time. Sunshine. Lots and lots of sunshine."
"Right, and I'm sure that Peter has nothing to do with it," I pointed out to her,
stating the obvious.
"Well, yes, and Peter. But, I mean really he's secondary to the sunshine, its not
like I would be swayed by moving in with a hot piece of man-meat and having
screaming good sex..."
"Oh god, Charlotte, too much fucking information!" She cackled evilly at me.
"Fine, you get off the hook this time. Speaking of man-meat, I have to meet him
in a few minutes, so I'm going. Don't do anything stupid, Edward."
"I heard you, Charlotte."
"Yes, but are you actually listening? Ok, I really have to go, bye." I was just
about to hang up when she called my name, "Oh, Edward? I'm going to miss the
hell out of you, too." And then the line went dead.
It was mind boggling to me that in a couple of weeks Char and I were going to be
in different time zones. After we met up for the movies that weekend, we started
spending almost every free minute together. I never did have to really explain to
her what had happened with Bella, somehow she just knew. She slowly, but
surely pulled my head out of my ass. Sometimes by indulging my broken heart,
sometimes by telling me I was "being a fucking pussy" and demanding my man
card.
For awhile everyone assumed we were dating; the thought was just disturbing to
both of us. She's like a sister to me, a hotter and much wiser sister, but still.
Rose and Alice were complete bitches to her initially. Charlotte gave as good as
she got though and eventually won them over. Bella loved Charlotte immediately,
Char wanted to stab B. I mostly tried to keep them apart.
A few weeks after I met Charlotte, Bella came to me and we sat down to actually
talk. It took the better part of the last year, but things have gotten better and it's
like we were never apart. But, because I'm a fucking idiot, I still love her; I just
try to do a better job of hiding it. Which leads me to my current dilemma: She
wants to lose her virginity to someone she trusts. Namely, me.
I sighed and picked up the phone again, dialing the familiar number. After a
couple of rings, I heard her voice, "Hey Edward!"
"Hey B! Have you finished packing, yet?"
"Ugh, no. Where did all this shit come from? I don't remember owning half of it.
Thank god I'll only be a few hours from home and can get anything I need. It's
going to be a pain in the ass for you, half a continent away!"
"Yeah, don't remind me. Mom's been riding my ass all week. I think she just
wants my damned room for her crafts."
"So, have you thought any more about what we talked about?" she tried to sound
nonchalant, but I could hear the nervousness in her voice.
"I did. Are you sure that's what you want? B, I don't want things to be weird
again, I really missed you before."
"Edward, I can't imagine it being anyone else. It's just sex. Besides, remember
our pact?" she laughed. Of course, I remember; how could I ever forget that
conversation?
"If you're sure," I paused, uncomfortable with what I have to tell her next.
Clearing my throat, I forced myself to say the words that could change her mind.
"You, umm, you know it won't be, uh, my first time, right?"
That was at another party two weeks after the one at Emmett and Alice's and I
thought Charlotte was going to castrate me when she found me passed out next
to Lauren Mallory. She snatched my half naked, drunk ass off the bed, threw me
in the car and drove me home, screaming at me the whole time telling me that if
I wanted to become "a douchebag fuckwit" I would have to do it on my own time.
The next day she sat me down and told me point blank that she wasn't going to
watch me throw my life away over a girl. Not only was I ashamed of how I had
behaved, completely grossed out that I'd slept with Lauren, but terrified I was
going to lose the only person in my life that made any sense.
As I come out of the memory, I realized there was an awkward silence between
Bella and I. Finally, she broke it by whispering "Yeah, I'd heard about that." She
sounded close to tears, but I didn't understand why she would react like that.
Before I had time to think anymore about that, she laughed lightly, "Well, it'll
probably be easier if at least one of us knows what's going on."
I knew she was only kidding, but her indifference was painful. I forced myself to
stop thinking about that, it wouldn't do any good. "My parents are going to a
benefit in Seattle on Friday and staying overnight. Would you want to come over
then?" I figured getting down to the planning would get rid of the nagging doubt
in my mind.
"That sounds good. It'll be like our sleepovers when we were kids, we can veg out
in front of the tv, eat junk food and...okay yeah, maybe it won't be anything like
those sleepovers", she concluded.
I laughed, "No, I don't think this will be anything like the others, B. Okay, well if
you're coming over this weekend, I need to work on my packing before my mom
has an aneurysm. Call me when you're on your way."
"Sure, I'll see you then, Edward," she said, before hanging up.
My stomach was in knots. I was so unsure about this, I knew Charlotte was right.
What I should have done, if I had any sense of self-preservation, was call Bella
back and tell her I couldn't. But, I could deny her nothing. And honestly, the
thought of her first time being at a drunken frat party, or some random hook-up,
made me sick. I was going to be half a continent away, I wouldn't be there to
watch out for her. This felt like the last thing I could give her, the last way I
would have to tie myself to her.
I decided that if she wanted this, if this was something she needed, I would do
this for her. Because no matter what happened afterwards, I would always have
that part of her. If I couldn't have her heart, I could at least have this.
wwwwwww
Friday seemed to rush toward me in fits of nerves and apprehension. I'd picked
up the phone, only to set it back down dozens of times in the last 48 hours,
almost calling Bella to cancel and then changing my mind. As I stood in the foyer,
seeing my parents off, my mom looked at me concernedly. "Edward, are you
feeling okay? I know you're leaving soon, if you want us to stay in town, we can."
My eyebrows shot up and I choked a little, "No mom, you guys go have fun. I'm
just hanging out with B this weekend." She gave me a pointed look. "Yes, and
packing, Mother," I confirmed, rolling my eyes. Seriously, you would think the
woman would be a bit more torn up about her only child leaving the nest.
She patted my cheek, "Good boy," laughing as I shot her a dirty look. "We're off
then. Have fun and give our love to Bella. I'm glad you guys seem to have gotten
over your rough patch, you've been friends too long to let anything come
between you." Oh, if only she knew.
I closed the door behind them and started pacing the living room nervously,
trying to think if there was anything else I needed to do before Bella arrived. I'd
changed my sheets already, and there were condoms sitting like little time-
bombs in my bedside drawer. My first instinct was soft lighting and romantic
music, but I realized that would probably just make things weird for her. We
weren't making love; we were having sex. Well, she wasn't making love. I didn't
think I was capable of doing anything less than that with Bella. This whole
clusterfuck was proof of how helplessly in love with her I was.
My cell phone beeped, alerting me to a new text from Bella letting me know she
was on her way over. The butterflies in my stomach were doing the fucking
Conga. I felt like a caged animal, circling the room, trapped by the situation. I
didn't know how this was going to end; I wasn't sure there was anyway for it to
end well. But, no matter the outcome, I knew I'd see this through. I wasn't so
delusional that I thought sex would make B love me. I just wasn't willing to take
the chance of walking away, and not knowing what would have happened.
The doorbell rang and I jumped, startled by the sudden noise. I took a deep
breath before I opened the door. Bella was standing there, beautiful as ever,
smiling nervously. As I moved aside to allow her to enter, I ran my fingers
through my hair in agitation, tugging slightly to calm myself down and ease my
nerves.
"You okay there, Edward? You look like you're trying to pull your hair out," she
joked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said. She raised her eyebrow at me, but didn't comment
further. We walked upstairs to my room. It was so unbelievably awkward.
Bella took my desk chair and I sat on the edge of the bed, facing her, our knees
almost touching. I was desperate for anything to break the tension. We still
hadn't spoken and I felt the weight of the silence press in on us. It seemed like
the longer we went without speaking, the more important the words we used to
break the silence would be.
She leaned forward a little, touching my arm, "Edward, we don't have to do this if
you don't want. I only asked because I trust you implicitly. Are you sure you're
okay with this?"
"Yeah," my voice cracked. I cleared my throat and continued, "Yeah, Bella. It's
fine. I'm your best friend. I love you, and I just want you to be comfortable."
She let out the breath she was holding, "Okay, good."
"Are you sure, B?" I was trying to give her an out; I couldn't decide if I was a
fucking idiot, or if this is actually the smartest thing I'd done during this whole
thing. "There's nothing wrong with waiting."
She looked into my eyes, moving her hand from my arm to cup my cheek. "I'm
positive."
Tentatively, she pressed her mouth to mine. The same electricity was present as
in our last kiss and just like before, I was lost in it immediately. Her mouth was
so sweet and warm, her tongue velvety soft. As the heat between us burned
hotter, we reveled in it, knowing what it was leading towards.
Without breaking our kiss, I pulled her from the chair where she had been leaning
towards me awkwardly. Her momentum pushed me over and she settled on top
of me as we continued to explore each other's mouths. My arms reached around
to caress her back, moving my hand further down towards her ass, until I was
holding it and grinding her on my cock. Her hands were in my hair, pulling and
tugging as I moaned into her mouth.
I touched the bottom hem of her shirt and began pushing it up, lightly trailing my
fingers against her skin, causing her to shiver slightly and whimper. Bella lifted
up just long enough for me to pull her shirt off all the way. She quickly took my
shirt off and as she laid back down I realized she wasn't wearing a bra. I could
feel her hard nipples pressing and moving against my bare skin.
She broke our kiss again and moved off me, crawling towards the pillows at the
top of the bed. I watched her tits sway with her movement before she turned
over to lay on her back. I looked at her confused, wondering what she was doing.
"I want to feel you on top of me," she whispered shyly. I moved up to cover her
body with mine, leaning on my elbows and using my hands to push her hair away
from her eyes and behind her ears. She looked up at me in that moment, and the
look in her eyes made my heart ache. She looked so vulnerable and trusting, I
wanted to fully deserve her trust, but I knew that I had my own selfish reasons
for doing this.
I skimmed my fingers over her eyebrows, her cheeks, the bridge of her nose,
reveling in the feeling of her under my fingertips. She reached up and took my
bottom lip between her teeth, nipping and sucking as she pushed her hips up into
me. It took everything I had not to come right then. I could feel the heat of her
pussy through her shorts.
Her tits brushed against me, again making me aware of her bare chest. I trailed
kisses down her neck, lightly biting and licking her as I made my way down. I
straddled her thighs and leaned back on my feet so I could look at her.
"Fuck, Bella, you're beautiful," I said, my voice rough and deep with want. I
hoped I wasn't crossing the line between "friendly fuck buddy" and "devoted
lover". Her tits were perfect, round and full, her nipples, dark pink and flushed
with her lust. I reached my hands up to cup the undersides of her tits before
running my thumbs simultaneously across her nipples, watching them pucker at
my touch. My mouth practically salivated at the though of tasting them. I looked
up at her, asking her permission, desperately trying to keep myself under control
and make sure she was comfortable with everything.
"Please," she moaned, arching her back, pressing her chest up further into my
hands. I lowered my lips to her nipples, kissing one and then the other, before I
reached my tongue out, teasing one of her nipples and drawing it between my
lips to suck and nip. My hands were shaking lightly with nerves and I hoped she
didn't notice.
"Oh, fuck, Edward that feels so good!" she moaned loudly, bucking her hips
underneath me. "More, god, I need more." I took a deep breath, trying to calm
my nerves. I reached down to unbutton her shorts and she shimmied them, along
with her underwear, off her hips, using her legs to kick them off and launching
them over the side of the bed. Bella was completely naked underneath me. Holy
fuck.
My hand was lightly smoothing over the skin of her stomach, trailing my finger
back and forth between her hips. I leaned over to take her nipple back into my
mouth and moved my finger between the lips of her pussy, lightly grazing her
clit. My finger slipped lower, pressing into her entrance. She was so tight and
wet, I added a second finger and continued to move in and out of her, while my
thumb teased circles around her clit.
Her moans were coming louder and louder as I felt the walls of her pussy tighten
around my fingers. Her body contracted together all at once before she arched up
off the bed, screaming my name as she came. I had trouble hiding my smile as I
watched her face overtaken with pleasure- I did that; I made her come.
Her breaths were coming out in pants and I could feel her heart racing as I came
to lay beside her. "Edward, that was...," she breathed out. "I don't even know
what that was. Fucking amazing." I reached over to capture her lips in mine,
slowly nipping and sucking before I drew her tongue into my mouth. My dick was
hard as fuck, I thought I might lose my damned mind if I didn't get inside her
soon.
She reached down to undo my shorts, pushing them down and off, before taking
my cock in her hand. My eyes rolled back and I moaned loudly at the feel of her
soft hand stroking me. My hips were moving back and forth and I was right on
the edge before I realized that coming on her hand wasn't exactly how this was
supposed to go down.
"Bella, if you don't move your hand off me, this is going to be over before it
starts." She quickly moved her hand and took a deep breath.
"Okay, I think I'm ready," she sounded really nervous. I was just as unsure. I
was terrified of hurting her or coming too quickly. I reached into my bedside table
to grab the foil packet.
I was sitting in between Bella's legs, resting back on my heels. This was the
moment of truth; I looked into her eyes. "Bella, are you sure? We can stop right
now, if you want." She was looking back at me with a look I'd only ever seen on
her face one other time- the day we kissed. I still didn't know what it was, but it
made my heart jump in my chest and my stomach flip.
"Yes, Edward. Please," she pleaded. I leaned over her and reached down to line
my cock up with her entrance. I started pushing in very slowly, trying to let her
adjust to the feeling. I was breathing deeply, trying to keep myself under control;
the feeling of warmth and tightness were overwhelming. I was looking at her face
trying to judge her pain, as I went deeper her eyebrows furrowed more and her
breathing came in pants as she tried to work through it. I stopped moving waiting
for her to tell me what she needed.
"Edward, just do it!" she commanded, her voice rough with her discomfort.
I wrapped my arms around her back, holding her to me as I pushed in swiftly,
whispering apologies in her ear. I gave her a minute to compose herself before
she moved her hips against me, tentatively, testing the feeling. Her movements
sped a bit and it was all the signal I needed, I began to gently thrust in and out
of her. She felt like fucking heaven, gliding along my cock and I knew I wasn't
going to be able to hold back much longer.
I reached down between us to touch her clit, hoping to make her come again
before me. Her hips began to meet mine as I continued to move in her. I felt her
tightening around me and I couldn't hold back anymore.
"Bella, you have to come now! I can't...god, it's so fucking good. Hurry, please!"
I felt her explode around me as my own orgasm rocketed through me. She was
calling out my name and I had my face buried in her neck, unable to speak. It felt
like I was drowning in pleasure as I felt her walls undulating against my cock.
I was afraid I was squishing her, so I moved off to lay beside her. She flipped her
body over to face me, she gently kissed my eyelids, the tip of my toes and finally
my lips. I don't think she'd ever been so tender with me and it made my heart
ache with want.
"Thank you, Edward," she whispered softly in my ear before turning back over,
facing away from me with my arms around her.
As I lay there, catching my breath, with Bella wrapped up in my arms, her naked
back pressed into my chest, nothing had ever felt so comfortable or perfect. I
wondered if she could feel it, even though I knew she wouldn't acknowledge it, I
couldn't imagine that she was blind to how right we were laying there together. I
buried my nose in her hair, taking a deep breath as my eyes began to drift close.
I felt her snuggle into me more, sighing, and I tightened my arms around her just
before I drifted off with a contented smile on my face. I was right, if I couldn't
have her heart, having her like this was better than nothing.
I woke up sometime later, the late afternoon sun filtering golden and warm
through the curtains. The long shadows and honey light gave the room a surreal,
dreamlike feeling, which perfectly mirrored how I felt thinking about that
afternoon. I realized that I was woken up by movement and looked up to see B
quietly moving around the room, gathering her clothes.
"Whatcha doing?" I asked groggily.
"I was getting my stuff together. I need to get home to make dinner for Charlie,"
she said, as if it was the most natural response in the world. I was frozen for a
minute as I processed her words, she hadn't even stopped dressing to answer me
and now she was lacing up her sneakers.
"You're leaving." It wasn't a question. "I thought you said you were going to stay
the night. We were going to veg out in front of the TV, eat junk food. That's what
you said."
"Yeah, I couldn't figure out a good lie to tell Charlie. He already knows that Rose
and Alice have gone to Seattle to get the apartment ready for us. I didn't think he
would let me stay here, so I just didn't tell him anything." She shrugged her
shoulders, again with the fucking unaffected nonchalance, because apparently
she meant it when she said this didn't mean anything.
"But, you have to leave right this second?" I was trying to keep the anger out of
my voice, but god, I was pissed.
"I do if I don't want questions about where I've been all day." Right, because god
forbid she said she was with me. Apparently, I'd been relegated to a dirty little
secret. I felt sick.
"You are unbelievable, you know that?" I couldn't keep my temper in check, this
was just too far. I knew she was using me, but I never believed for a second that
she would make me feel used.
"What are you talking about, Edward? I have to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow, it's
not like I'm not going to call you," she said, trying to make a fucking joke of the
situation.
"Right, because you have never run off when you were uncomfortable and
refused to speak to me, Bella. You would never do that, right? You are such a
fucking hypocrite!"
"We talked about this before, you knew going in why I asked you, I was nothing
but honest about what this was about." She was standing, fully dressed, with her
hand on the door, while I laid naked on the bed. Fuck if that isn't a fitting
metaphor for what we'd become, me naked before her, while she stood ready to
run away.
She continued, "If anyone is a hypocrite, it's you! I don't understand why you
have to make everything so goddamn complicated! We used to be so natural,
being with you was as easy as breathing. What the hell happened?" She was
yelling now, too.
There was a twisted sense of deja vu. We'd been in this position before, I wasn't
sure we'd survive a second time. But, if she was going to walk away from me,
she was going to know without a doubt exactly what she was walking away from.
I couldn't stand anymore not knowing if she was just honestly oblivious to how I
felt, or she just didn't give a fuck.
"I'm fucking in love with you, Bella! Is that clear enough, does that explain
anything, am I getting through at all? It all started with that kiss, that mother
fucking kiss, and now this- I'm ruined B. You own me, no one else will ever make
me feel like that. You have my heart and every time you run away, you rip it out
of my goddamn chest and shred it."
"You can't say shit like that, Edward! I didn't ask for your heart! We agreed, this
was no big deal. You promised me you were okay, you said it was fine! You're my
best friend, only my best friend! I can't give you anymore than that. I just
can't!", she was crying now. Her body wracked with sobs, shoulders slumped and
shaking.
My anger dissipated instantly. I was hurting her, I was the person who was
supposed to protect her from all the hurt,and I was hurting her.
She took a deep breath, trying to get herself under control. Why was this so
fucking hard?
Her mouth opened and closed several times, like she wanted to say something,
but didn't know how. Instead she just shook her head absently. I heard her
whisper, "I can't", as she opened the door and walked away.
In the 10th grade, Bella and I made a pact and it had come back to bite me in
the ass. Just after Spring Break that year, Bella called me late one night acting
weird.
"What's going on Bella? You've been sighing an awful lot."
"What? No, nothings going on. At least it's not mine to tell. You should ask
Jasper, well no, because then Alice will know I told you to," she was mumbling
and rambling. I had no idea what she was talking about.
"Just tell me, you know I won't say anything."
"JasperandAlicehadsex!" she blurted out, speaking so fast I couldn't understand
her.
"B, I have no idea what it was you just said. Was that even English?"
"Jasper. And. Alice. Had. Sex." she enunciated each word clearly, obviously
annoyed at having to repeat herself. "I don't know, it's just weird to think that
you and I are the last of our friends who haven't. I mean, I'm not ready now, but
I will be one day and I don't even have a boyfriend or anything and I don't want
to just pick some random guy." She was rambling again.
"So, you're freaked out because Jasper and Alice, who are in a relationship, have
had sex and you don't want to right now, but will one day?"
"Umm, yeah, that's pretty much it."
"You have plenty of time to meet someone, Bella. Why are you worrying about
this now?"
"I just don't want to go to college a virgin; that would be awkward. So, there's
kind of a deadline and I don't even have a plan."
"B, is that really something you want to plan out? I mean, isn't it just kind of,
supposed to happen when it happens?"
"Ugh, Edward! Your first time won't be a big deal because you aren't going to
hurt and you aren't going to bleed. I, however, have those things to worry about
and I would prefer to have some idea of how that's going to happen."
I was quiet for a few minutes, because I was really out of my element with this.
"I wish I knew what to tell you, B. I'm not sure how I can help you with this.
Maybe you should talk to Rose or Alice?"
"No, I'm not going to talk to them. They don't think any of the guys in Forks are
good enough for me and give me shit any time I mention someone. Oh, that's an
idea..." she paused mid-thought. Usually when she paused like that it was
followed by an idea that was going to get me into trouble. Like when we were six
and she convinced me that my mom would want us to pick all her flowers for
bouquets or when we were ten and she decided to shave her cat. Nothing good
ever came from Bella pausing for an idea.
"What, Bella? You know it scares me when you have ideas."
"Shut up, Edward. This is a good idea!"
"Sure it is, B, that's what you always say and yet I'm the one that ends up with
blue hair or covered in scratches from an angry cat."
"Oh Edward, get over it. The stupid cat had it coming, he kept getting hair all
over my clothes on purpose. It was malicious shedding."
I sighed heavily, "Okay, fine. The cat asked for it," I rolled my eyes. "So, what's
your brilliant idea now and what does it have to do with Jasper and Alice having
sex?"
"I think you and I should have sex, Edward!" I waited for the rest of what she
was thinking, because surely that wasn't all she had to say. When she didn't
continue, I started to freak out.
"What the hell, Bella! You can't just say something like that without any
explanation. Why the hell would you want to have sex with me?" I mean, not that
I hadn't thought about it. A lot. But, it was the "late night dreams I can't control
and it's not my fault my best friend is a hot girl" kind of thinking, not the "here's
an idea, let's have sex" kind of thinking. Then, of course, thinking of the dreams
and her talking about having sex with me made me instantly hard. I was grateful
that B decided to spring this on me over the phone instead of in person.
"Well, not right now, obviously," she sounded like she was rolling her eyes at me.
"I mean later, like before we leave for college."
"So, you think a good send-off for college would be us having sex?" I'm glad my
voice didn't crack, and I sounded much more comfortable with this whole
discussion than I actually was. Hopefully, I didn't sound like I was hard as fuck.
Bella gave an exasperated groan. "No, Edward, I don't think we should just have
sex to have sex. I think that if either of us are, you know, virgins, we should have
sex."
I was so done talking about this with her. "Fine, B. If either of us are virgins
when we leave for college, we'll have sex. Now, can we please be done with this
conversation?"
"Thank you, Edward! If I don't have a boyfriend by then, I can't imagine anyone
else I would rather it be." That was it, I couldn't stay on the phone for this
anymore, it was just painful in so many ways at this point.
"Umm, you're welcome? Oh, hey, my mom's telling me to get off the phone. I'll
see you in school tomorrow, okay? Goodnight!" And then I hung up, threw the
phone across the room and proceeded to take care of my problem. I just hoped I
could face B at school without blushing.
Chapter 6: The Sixth Time
The sixth time I told Bella Swan I loved her, I didn't say it out loud. I was pissed
at myself for even thinking it.
August:
"Charlotte, seriously? I'm fine. It's fine. I knew how it was going to play out, I
knew it was going to be bad. I have no one to blame but myself." I'm rolling my
eyes at her, even though she can't see me over the phone, because, what else
am I supposed to say? That I got fucked over, in both the literal and figurative
senses? That's obvious to anyone.
But, I'm on my own in Chicago now, and I'm going to make the most of it. Fuck
Bella. If she thinks I'm going to spend my first year of college pining away for
her, she's out of her fucking mind. Mostly though- fuck me. Because I want to
hate her, I want to despise every molecule in her body, I want to feel nothing but
contempt for her. And I can't.
"You are lying through your teeth, Eddie. You are the opposite of fine. Whatever
little emo plan your boy-brain is concocting right now is a bad, bad scene.
Thinking with your dick got you into this, I swear, continuing to think with it isn't
going to fix it."
"What is it that you want from me? I fucked up. I got fucked. End of story." This
conversation is getting me nowhere. Talking and thinking about it aren't going to
make it stop hurting. "Char, I have to go. I'll talk to you later."
"Whatever. Call me when you grow up. I'll be here."
I hung up and threw the phone across the room, it spun into the wall, carving out
a chunk of plaster before hurtling to the floor with a loud crack. "FUCK!"
September:
As I slowly ease into consciousness, I try to open my eyes only to realize that
they feel like they've been glued shut. My mouth is sandpaper dry and tastes
literally like shit. Well, what I think shit would taste like if one were to sample it. I
lay there for a minute, trying to force coherent, linear thoughts to form in my
sharply throbbing brain. But, beyond the acute need for a toothbrush and some
Advil, there is only a swirling vortex of pain.
Light snoring to my left forces me to consider my surroundings, and I realize that
I am not in my bed. I actually have no idea where I am. I sneak a glance at the
body next to me, red curls cascade across the pillow in a wild disarray, obscuring
her face. Her milky white shoulders and tits lay exposed, the rest of her is hidden
by the sheet, but presumably naked. I wince, realizing that our mutual lack of
clothing probably means we weren't playing Monopoly last night. Damn Eric and
his "just one more" brand of logic.
I ease out of the bed, quietly and gingerly making my way around the room to
find my clothes from last night. After 10 minutes I'm still missing a sock, but
decide that a clean get away is more important. I wish that an errant sock was
the only thing I left behind every time I wake up in some strange girl's strange
room. I wish that the price for a couple of hours of numbness wasn't a massive
hangover and the smell of the wrong girl on my skin.
October:
I've been staring at the computer for forty-five minutes. The latest email from
Emmett is taunting me, daring me to open it, open the wounds and dump
buckets of salt on them. They don't mean to be insensitive, but they send me
these fragments of her life without me, this person she's desperately trying to
become. They are torturing me, and begging me, as if I can save her. As if I can
even save myself. Sighing deeply, I click the link and the screen is filled with the
evidence of her latest round of fuckery. Without fail, every Monday for the last 3
months I have received emails just like this one. Without fail, I beg my finger not
to push the button, I beg my eyes not to stare, I beg my heart not to break.
Every time. I am so fucking weak.
Bella splayed out across a table, tiny black shirt pulled up under her breasts, a
douche with a backwards hat licking salt off her creamy, smooth stomach, while
she grins around a lime wedge.
Bella sandwiched between two guys on a dance floor, bumpgrindfucking without
shame.
Bella laughing drunkenly, sloppily, cigarette dangling dangerously from her
mouth, sitting on some guy's lap.
But, it's not the images of Bella offering herself to everyone but me that kills me.
It's not the smoking or the drinking or the guys. It's the look in her eyes. The
cold, dead, sadness that permeates her smile. It's the sharp, aching, pain
radiating from her that twists the broken shards of my heart. And I can't
understand why she's trying so hard to be this person, when it obviously makes
her so unhappy. I can't understand why being this person she is without me, is
better than being the person she is with me.
I tear my eyes away from the images, though it doesn't matter because they are
already permanently burned into my memory. I read Emmett's message:
Dude,
Your girl is out of control. Talk to her. Please. And call us, douche, we miss your
sorry ass.
Em
I close the email without responding. The same way I've done with every Monday
email he's sent since August. Any other day and I respond, any other subject, I
talk. I have nothing to say about this, though I know exactly what I would say if I
did reply: "She's not my girl. I can't talk to her." And if I could talk to her? I'd say
"I love you" and "I fucking hate you" and "that's a lie" and "I wish it wasn't."
Mondays are the days I usually go out. I tell my roommate, Eric, that it's to
relieve the stress of the beginning of the week. Not that he cares, he never needs
an excuse. Really though, it's because I need to erase the images of Bella's eyes-
smile-sadness from my mind. I need a reprieve from imagining the things she's
done, the people she's done them with, and the knowledge that it will never be
me. I need someone who is all 'yes, there', 'yes, please', and 'oh god, yes' to
drown out the sound of that single, reverberating 'no' that broke my heart and
shattered me.
December:
Dear Edward Cullen,
Northwestern University's Academic Standards Policy indicates that students must
maintain a cumulative grade point average of 2.0 or better to remain in good
academic standing. A review of your academic record for the Fall Semester of
2006 indicates that you have not met this minimum academic standard.
I skimmed the rest of the letter, looking to see what I had to do to fix this. I
knew it was coming, you don't fail two classes without consequences. At least this
was just academic probation and they weren't kicking me out. I was hoping there
was a solution where my parents didn't have to be involved. They were going to
be so disappointed in me. I was disappointed in me.
My heart stopped when I came to the final line:
A copy of this letter has been mailed to your permanent address of record.
Fuck. My. Life.
As if on cue, my phone began ringing, and my parents name flashed across the
screen. I picked up, but didn't even get a chance to greet them before my mother
started in on me.
"Edward Anthony, would you care to explain to me this notice of academic
probation?" The sharp anger in her voice made my throat constrict and I felt like
I was five years old again, awash in shame.
I briefly thought about reminding her it was a federal offence to open someone
else's mail. But, I'm pretty sure she would have killed me through the phone,
then used their Christmas trip to Chicago to bring me back to life and kill me
again.
"I don't know, Mom. Things got away from me and I couldn't catch up. I can fix
it. I will fix it." I try to reassure her.
"Which would be a perfectly reasonable excuse had you not insisted all semester
that your classes were fine, and that you had to miss Thanksgiving to study," she
sighed at me, her disappointment palpable even 2200 miles away. "Our flight
leaves in the morning. We'll talk about it when we get there. I'm not going to lie,
Edward- your father is going to have a coronary"
"I know. I am really sorry." I tell her to have a safe trip and then we hang up.
This sucks. Everything sucks right now. How the hell did I let things get so bad?
March:
The library closes in ten minutes and I have to get this paper finished. I'm again
silently cursing Student Housing for denying my request for a mid-year room
transfer. Having Eric as my roommate was great as long as I didn't study, but
now? It's like living in Animal House. I have no idea how the hell he does it, but
he's passing all his classes.
He didn't take me seriously when my parents told me I had the Spring Semester
to get my shit together or they would stop paying for school. It was just awkward
for awhile, Eric coming in at 2am with whatever-girl, drunken laughter and loud
moans. I can't believe that I wasted months of my life doing the same shit. It's
just hostile now. I'm pissed that he has no respect for boundaries or common
courtesy. He's pissed that I'm "a fucking douche". Good times.
I've had to work my ass off to fix the mess I made of my classes last semester.
As it is, I'm going to have to do a Summer Session to catch up. I have a tentative
acceptance into the Music Composition major, but I have to have to get my GPA
back up, and I have to have my Gen. Ed. requirements finished by the end of
next fall. Ordinarily they would have wait listed my ass for the major because of
my grades, but I pleaded my case. After submitting samples of what I've already
composed, the Director agreed to give me a chance. I'm pretty sure it was one
composition in particular that saved me.
The overhead speakers buzz and the lights flicker, reminding me that the library
is, in fact, closing and I have to leave. Maybe the room will be empty when I get
there. I gather my shit, stuffing papers in my backpack, grab my laptop and head
out. It's so fucking cold outside, my hands ache as soon as the sharp, frozen air
touches them. I miss the milder weather back home. I miss a lot of things back
home.
Fifteen minutes later, I'm warming up in my room. Thank god Eric seems to be
out for the night, maybe I can actually get this paper finished. I decide to take a
few minutes to check my email before I get back to work. I don't have to fear my
email any longer, Emmett finally stopped sending me updates on Bella after I
didn't come home for Thanksgiving. I think maybe they all finally got the hint
that I wasn't getting involved. It was amazing how much easier it was to put
myself back together, without the constant reminders of why I fell apart.
I glanced down the list in my inbox. Several advertisements for porn, an email
from my mom, a forward from Jasper. Then, sitting innocuously amongst the
others, as if it was a normal occurrence, as if it could have been anyone, was a
name that made my heart stop. Bella Swan.
With trembling fingers, I click on her name, and the message pops open.
I've missed you.
That's it. After months of silence, that's all she says. I can only think of one reply
and I type it up quickly, sending it off before I lose my nerve.
I've missed me, too.
April:
Another email from Bella sits in my inbox. She has emailed me once a week since
that first email. Sometimes it's a memory from when we were kids, sometimes
it's just an update on her life, sometimes it's a plea for me to respond. Never is it
an explanation of anything. No answers, no apologies. Nothing real. I read every
one of them, I never reply. She walked out on me. I am not crawling back to her.
May:
"Edward, you have to talk to her sometime. I know I'm the last person to defend
Bella, but she does seem to be trying," Charlotte tried to reason with me. "If it
were me, I would have told her to go to hell a long time ago, and not thought
twice about it. But, you aren't that person. If you don't at least make the effort,
you will beat yourself up over it forever."
After weeks of writing me useless words, Bella has finally sent me an email that
actually deserves a response. Only now I find that I don't know if I can do it. It
still just fucking hurts to think about that day, and I'm still just so angry with her.
"I'm scared, Char. I didn't think I was ever going to get myself together after last
summer. I can't even begin to tell you the shit I pulled, how close I came to
giving up and losing everything. I know we've talked about it, but god, I was a
fucking mess."
"I understand that, I really do. Trust me, we were all scared for you there for
awhile. You got through it, though, and you're stronger for it," she reassured me.
"Answer me honestly: do you still have shit you need to say to Bella? If the
answer to that is truly 'no', then delete that email and move on with your life.
But, I suspect, no, fuck that, I know you still have shit to say to her, and you
can't move on until you do." I fucking hate it when she's right, and she's always
right.
"Fine, I'll talk to her. But, I'm not doing it over email."
"Whatever floats your boat, Eddie. Just make sure you say what you need to say,
ask what you need to ask, and actually listen to her when she answers."
"What the hell would I do without you, Charlotte? How many times have you
saved my ass now?"
"You would be a sad, lonely boy without me, Edward, that's for sure," she
laughed, but we both know it's the truth. "Well, you give as much as you take,
too. You really are a good friend, and I know Peter is grateful when you translate
'stupid boy speak' for me. More than once his ass would have been at the curb, if
you hadn't talked me down from the ledge."
I laugh at her, because that's also true. We make plans to hang out in a couple of
weeks when we both get back to Forks. We're going to hit the film festival
showings in Port Angeles. We say our goodbyes and hang up. I have a fucking
email that needs a response.
I sigh as I open my Gmail account, and re-read Bella's email for the hundredth
time.
Edward,
Okay, this is the last one. I don't know, maybe it's just really too much, and you
can't forgive me. I understand if that's the case. I don't even know if you're
reading my emails. But, I thought I would try one last time, and just try to
explain everything. Please know though, that even if you don't ever respond, or if
you decide to respond in 20 years, I'll still be here waiting for you and missing
my best friend.
I'm so fucking sorry. So, so sorry. I can't say that enough. I know now how much
I must have hurt you, and I swear that was never what I meant to do. I freaked
out and I ran and I'm just fucking sorry. I know you don't owe me anything, but I
just need you to understand, even if you can't forgive me.
I don't know what happened last summer, it was just supposed to be sex. But,
god, Edward, it was so much more and I have no idea what it was. You've said
you love me for years, like it was this big fireworks, lightening storm revelation,
like you were in the dark and then, suddenly you weren't. Honest to god, I've
never had that and I'm so sorry. I would give anything to have that to give back
to you. I feel the same about you now as I did when we were kids. I can't be
happy without you there. Nothing makes sense when you're gone, and I spend
my time hoping you'll be back soon. I've always hoped that whatever adventures
we have in life, we can have as many of them as possible together. But, that's
what being best friends means, right?
I'm sure you heard about the shit I put everyone through here, and I realize now
that I was searching for my lightning storm. I just wanted to know if I could feel
anything more than I do now, because maybe if I figured out how, I could give it
to you. But, Edward, I never did. It never compared to our friendship, mostly I
just felt sad and empty. I don't know that I'm capable of feeling anything more
than what I feel for us.
Maybe there's a glitch in my brain that makes it work differently than other
people's, maybe I inherited Renee's inability to love. I don't know, all I can tell
you is that I'm so fucked up, and I miss you and I need you.
Please tell me it's not too late.
B
Fuck, it hurt just as much to read it the hundredth time, as it did the first time.
But, Charlotte is right, I have things I need to say and I have questions that I
need answered. So, I reply:
I'll be home in 2 weeks. I'll call you then.
The summer before Bella and I started High School, we sat in our meadow and I
told her how I felt, while I wrote in the composition journal she gave me that
year for my birthday. I was composing our friendship, translating love into notes
on staff lines. She's right, my realization was like fireworks, like a lightning
storm. It lit up everything, illuminated parts of myself I didn't even know were in
shadow. There was even a soundtrack for the flash pan explosion: a piano piece.
I watched Bella walk away from me for the first time, and I swore to myself that I
would play the piece for her the first time she told me she loved me.
I've tweaked it over the years, added different parts, rearranged things, but the
basic structure is the same. It's the sweet, soaring feeling of meadows and love
and promises. It's the bitter cacophony of disappointment and fear and rejection.
It's the searching, swirling, sun shower of hope.
I had wanted her to be the first to hear it, the first to glide along the rise and fall
of the music, the first to be surrounded by the notes she inspired. I had dreams
of us moving through the music together, like a living scrapbook of our lives,
memories and remembrances greeting us, waving allegro, shouting forte.
I never imagined the music would be reduced to meaningless paper, in a second-
chance portfolio, trying to save the only other thing I've ever wanted besides her.
Trying to save the only thing I have if I can't have her.
Chapter 7: The Seventh Time
The seventh time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she stopped me. I finally listened
to her.
I was lying on my bed in Forks, idly passing my phone back and forth between
my hands, stalling. I had been home for two days already, and was putting off
calling Bella. I didn't want to have this conversation. I wanted to visit with my
friends for the few weeks I was going to be here, and then I wanted to go back to
Chicago and get on with school. I knew deep down that this was going to be a
turning point for Bella and me. After we talked, nothing was ever going to be the
same again. I didn't know if that was a good thing.
A soft knock at the door broke through my thoughts, "Yeah?". The door opened
and there stood Bella, looking nervous. "Bella, you're here," I stated in confusion
as I jumped off the bed. I was shocked to see her in my room, in exact same
spot that I last saw her almost a year ago.
We stood across the room from each other, not meeting each other's eyes, and
waited for the other to make the first move. After a couple of minutes of staring
at her feet, she let out a small sob and launched herself across the room at me.
Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around her back and buried my face in
her hair, while she continued to sob into my chest.
"I'm so...so...sorry. I missed you so much," she continued to speak through her
tears. "Please tell me I can fix this, please? I need you so much, Edward. I need
my best friend back. I'll do anything, whatever it takes. Just, please."
I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I just needed to hold her and know that she was
there. I hadn't forgotten everything that had happened, she wasn't off the hook
for anything, and I still wanted answers. But, she was already forgiven, just by
being here. She was my best friend and nothing would ever change that. We
shared a history that was long and solid and real. She knew me in a way that no
one else ever could. No matter what else happened, that would always be true.
Regardless of anything else, my world wasn't right if she wasn't in it. We just had
to figure out a way to move on.
I pulled away from Bella and reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes, before I
grabbed her hand and pulled her over to sit on my bed. I forced myself not to
think about the last time we were here. Forward, we were moving forward. We
sat facing each other, legs crossed, knees touching, in what had always been our
default position.
"B, we can fix it. We've been friends for too long to just give up," I said as I
paused to take a deep breath, before continuing. "But, I'm going to be honest-
you have to stop running away. I know that things have been fucked up, and I
know that I've played a part in that. But, we could have avoided a shit ton of this
if you had just stopped for a second and talked to me."
"I know. I know, you're right. I hope you know how sorry I am," she whispered
as she dropped her eyes from mine and pushed her chin into her chest.
"You should also know that I'm different, Bella. I'm not the same, naive, guy I
was last summer. I won't take any bullshit answers." I stopped talking, waiting
for her to look up and meet my eyes before I went on, "I expect you to be honest
with me, even if you think it's going to hurt me. In return, I promise to actually
listen to what you're saying, and try to remember that we're on the same side of
this."
She was quiet for a few minutes after that, I sat watching her, trying to figure out
what she was thinking. For the first time since she came into my room, I noticed
just how thin she had gotten. Where, last summer, she had perfect curves, her
skin now look like it clung to her, stretched taut right over the bones. Her eyes
were underlined by purple-blue smudges; her hair hung limply around her face.
Now that I was really paying attention, I could feel her exhaustion, both physical
and emotional, rolling off of her in waves.
"B, when was the last time you slept?" I asked, really worried about her.
"What? Oh, um, I don't know. I haven't been sleeping well lately," she replied,
her voice barely above a whisper. I swung my legs off the bed, preparing to stand
up. This conversation was going to have to wait, she was in no position to take on
heavy, emotionally charged topics.
She looked at me in confusion, "What are you doing, Edward?"
"You need to sleep, Bella. You can barely keep your eyes open, there's no point in
getting into anything right now when you're so tired." She looked like she was
going to argue, but I went on, "I'm going downstairs to watch TV. We'll talk later,
don't worry."
What I really wanted, more than anything, was to curl up beside her and sleep,
holding her. But I knew that was a bad idea. I needed some space from her, to
clear my head and figure out exactly what it was I expected from her. If I stayed,
even just to sit and read while she slept, I risked letting myself fall back into the
same habits that led us here to begin with.
My mind made up, I pulled the covers back for her, laid them gently over her
body, and flicked the light switch off, on my way out. I wandered aimlessly
around the house before I found myself in front of my piano. I sat, randomly
running my fingers over the keys, bits of songs and chords mixed together,
ebbing and flowing along with my thoughts.
Bella coming to me on her own meant a lot to me; I hoped it meant she was
serious about not running away again. The fact that she had contacted me also
pointed to that. But, I couldn't help but wonder how long this would last. I mean,
we hadn't really talked about anything important or major at this point. She said
she was sorry, but it was going to take time for me to really trust her.
More than anything though, I wasn't sure if I trusted myself around her. The
amount of effort it took me just to leave the room earlier, was proof that I had
problems controlling myself when it came to her. It was obvious now that I was
blind when it came to Bella. I wanted her so badly, that I was willing to say
anything to myself to continue to have hope that it would be true. Even the last
year hadn't changed that, I was just cognizant of it now.
I don't know how long I sat there, lost in thought, trying to decide how to
proceed. Eventually, I realized that I was playing her song, consumed by the
rolling, tumbling, churning notes, remembering. The song ended, my fingers
came to rest on the keys, and the room came back into focus. I heard gentle
hiccuping behind me. I spun around on the bench to see Bella standing in the
doorway, her hand covering her mouth attempting to mute her crying, tears
streaming down her face.
"Bella? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I wanted to know how long she had been
there, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it- she didn't need to know that
it was a big deal.
"Edward, that was beautiful! What was that? I've never heard it before," she said,
her voice rough from her tears. She crossed the room and sat next to me on the
bench. It was a position we had been in hundreds of times before, but given what
I had just finished playing, it felt too close, to intimate, a visceral reminder of
everything we weren't.
"It, uh, it was nothing. Just a piece I'm learning." Shit. I didn't want to lie to her,
especially after my speech on honesty earlier, but I couldn't tell her, not like this,
not with everything so unsettled.
Awkward silence enveloped us, I didn't know what to say to her. I was too unsure
of my own motives and second guessed everything that came to mind. I knew
that I needed to talk to her, needed to find some way to start us off, but I was
just so scared of the things we would say now that we were bound by the
promise of brutal honesty.
Bella must have realized that I was too lost in my own head to even begin to
speak, so she took a deep breath and put her hand on my arm. "You said that
you're different now. What did you mean?"
I shrugged. "I'm just not the same. I'm not sure I can explain it very well. After
you...um, after everything, I fell apart." Bella immediately withdrew her arm, put
her hands in her lap and dropped her head. I sighed, looking over at her. "B? If
we're going to do this, you have to understand that I'm not telling you anything
to purposefully hurt you. I need to talk about this, I need you to understand what
I went through." I paused, gathering my courage and went on, "And I need to
know what happened last summer."
"You're right, I'm sorry," she said, lifting her head to look at me. "Please tell me?"
"Right, um, after everything, I fell apart. It was really bad, Bella. I lost myself
and became this guy, god I was such a douche. I'm shocked that the worst thing
that happened was I failed a couple of classes."
"You failed two classes?" Bella interrupted, her eyes wide, obviously taken aback.
Before my first semester of college, I had never gotten less than a B on anything.
"Yeah, I know. I wasn't kidding when I said I fell apart. I didn't recognize myself,
but I couldn't stop. I was so alone there; I didn't have anyone, and my roommate
partied all the time. I got sucked in, I let myself get sucked in. For awhile, it
made it hurt less."
"And you're not the same?" she asked quietly.
"No, I'm not the same," I confirmed, pausing because I knew what I was going to
say next was going to hurt her. "After everything that happened, I thought I'd
lost everything worth anything. And I gave up, or at least thought I had. Until I
realized that I couldn't be that guy. By that point I was very close to actually
losing everything." This time I stopped because it hurt to think about how close I
had come.
"I wasn't talking to anyone here, I barely spoke with Charlotte, my parents were
threatening to stop paying for my school, and the school was threatening to kick
me out. I had to fight my way out, actually work for something the first time in
my life. I'm still trying to fix four months worth of mistakes. Nothing will ever
throw me like that again, I won't ever allow myself to get that lost," I finished
and even I could hear the conviction in my voice.
I knew that I needed to make Bella understand everything, but I didn't realize
how much it would help me to explain it. For the first time, I realized that as
much as this whole thing hurt, I truly was stronger for it. I wasn't the same naive
little boy who thought that he could just imagine the world he wanted and have it
appear. I understood now why Charlotte was so adamant that I have this
conversation- not for Bella, but for me. I needed closure and regardless of the
outcome, I was going to be okay. With that realization, I felt lighter than I had in
almost a year.
"Edward, would it be weird to say that I'm proud of you? You, just...even after
everything I put you through, you're so much stronger than I am." I understood
what she was saying, but I needed her to see that she wasn't the only one to
blame; I did a lot of the shit to myself.
"I wasn't without fault in this whole thing, though, B. I didn't listen to what you
were saying. I heard what I wanted to hear, and I put myself in a position to be
devastated. It was unfair of me to agree to something like that, when I knew I
was being dishonest about my feelings. You can't take all the blame for that,
Bella. I was a willing participant, and I made my own mistakes. I'm sorry for not
being strong enough to do the right thing, for lying to you."
"Thank you," she whispered. I put my arm around her, and she laid her head on
my shoulder. "I'm so fucking happy to have you back, B. You're my best friend,
nothing can ever change that." She grinned widely at me, the first smile I'd seen
since she got here.
As much as I liked our renewed comfort with each other, I knew we weren't done
talking. I thought this might be harder for me than talking, having to listen to her
with an open mind. "B, what happened after the kiss and last summer? I don't
understand how you could just cut me off like that."
She sighed, closing her eyes tightly, before speaking. "I'm not sure what you
want me to tell you, Edward. My reasons sound lame, I know that, but they are
what they are. I was scared and I ran. It really was that simple. Both of those
times were these huge moments, they were just...it felt like everything was
changing, you know? But I knew I couldn't sustain them for the long term."
She turned to face me, straddling the piano bench, and took my hand in hers.
Whether she was trying to comfort me or herself, I wasn't sure. Maybe both. "I
knew that if I didn't leave, we would get caught up in this pretend world where
I'm capable of giving you what you want. I can't tell you how much I wanted
those feelings to be real, but they aren't."
I didn't understand how she could say that, I was there, I saw how she felt, I
know I wasn't imagining it. "Bella, how can you say that they weren't real. Fuck,
I've never felt anything more real than that in my life."
"I know they were for you. I know I wanted them to be for me. But, if I learned
anything with all that happened last semester at school, it's that I'm not capable
of sustaining anything like that. I spent months trying to find that part of myself
that can feel those things for more than just accidental bursts of emotion.
Nothing ever came as close as those moments with you. Next to everything I feel
for our friendship, those are the most I've ever felt. But, we can't risk what we
have for occasional, random, brief flashes of more, Edward."
She sounded like she was rationalizing everything and it pissed me off. "I still
don't know how you stayed away, how you just cut me off without a second
thought!"
"Is that really what you think? That I didn't give you a second thought?" she
whispered, her face awash in hurt and disbelief.
"What else would you call it, Bella? You used me. You got what you wanted and
then you fucking left!"
Her eyes snapped to mine and she began speaking vehemently, "No, Edward. I
swear to you that's not what I thought. Yes, initially I left because I was freaked
the fuck out. I stayed away because I thought I was protecting you. I couldn't
hurt you anymore, I was giving you space hoping you would see me for what I
am. I thought about you every day. I drove Alice and Rose crazy, begging for
information on how you were doing. I heard small bits of how hard things were
for you, and it seemed like proof that it was better if I stayed away."
"Once I heard that you were doing better, I figured it meant you had realized that
I'm not worth all this, and I hoped that maybe we could fix our friendship. I am
sorry I hurt you, so fucking sorry. I didn't know how else to keep from hurting
you more than to leave you be. But I guess I made an even bigger mess of
things."
We sat in silence, she was looking at me, waiting. I met her eyes, "I can't say I
understand, because I don't. But, I know that you did what you thought was
right. More than anything, what hurt the most, was that thinking that you could
just push me aside and move on. I believe you when you say that it wasn't like
that."
"For what it's worth, I'm done running when things get hard. I see now that,
regardless of what I thought I was doing, it made everything so much worse for
both of us."
"Okay then," I said, acknowledging what she had promised, but needing a break
from the conversation. "Hey, have you eaten yet? I skipped lunch."
Just then her stomach rumbled loudly.
"So, I guess you've been eating as well as you've been sleeping, huh?" I laughed.
She looked sheepish as I stood and pulled her off the bench, towing her towards
the kitchen.
WWWWWWWWWW
After eating, we made our way to the living room, so we could sit more
comfortably on the couch. I really only had one lingering question. I knew the
answer already, but I still needed to hear her say it.
We sat knee to knee again, for the comfort and familiarity the position provided.
This was going to hurt, but I wouldn't let that stop me.
"B, do you think you could ever love me?" I asked her without prelude. It was
painful no matter what, better to be like ripping off a band aid- a fast sharp pain
instead of drawing out the ache. I knew that in time our friendship would be fine.
I just needed to know if I could ever have more, for the sake of closure.
She sighed, looking down at her lap. She twisted her fingers together like she
used to when we were kids and she was nervous. "I don't...god, Edward. You
know how fucked up I am. I don't know. I don't even know how to be a good
friend, I know nothing about love. I just...I don't know that I have it in me at all.
You have the best of what I have to give, it's all yours. But, I don't think I can
give anyone that."
I wanted to argue with her, tell her that she did love me, but I couldn't. I
promised to listen to what she was saying, no matter what, and what she was
saying was that she didn't think she loved me and didn't think she ever could. It
fucking hurt to hear, my heart constricted at the thought of her believing what
she was saying. But, I had not choice but to accept her words at face value.
"Okay. I think you're wrong, but if that's really how you feel, I have to respect
that. Just, B? Know that I will always lo..."
She placed her three middle fingers flat over my mouth, effectively stopping me
from speaking. "Edward, please don't," she said quietly. "Every time you say
those words, I lose my best friend, and I can't right now. Please?"
She stood up, wrapping her arms around herself, like she was trying to hold
herself together. "You have to walk away and move on, Edward. I can't keep
hurting you like this, it kills me every time. Please don't make me."
It took me a minute to collect myself, to push my pain aside and and find my
strength. "Okay, B. If that's really what you need. I...I understand," I said,
swallowing thickly to force the tears away.
I walked over and put my arms around her. I wouldn't lose her this time. I would
do what she asked. I had my answer and I would move on. For both of our sakes.
Bella asking me to walk away reminded me of the conversation I had with my
mom the afternoon I first learned about Renee. After the Chief had picked up
Bella to take her home, I was in the backyard bouncing a ball angrily off the side
of the garage. My mom called me to the porch, pointing to a lounge chair
opposite hers, indicating I should sit. I threw myself down into the chair with a
huff and scowl.
"Edward, would you like to tell me what the garage did to you? You're beating up
on it pretty good." Part of me wanted to laugh, but my emotions were too much
of a jumbled mess. I was so angry at Bella's mother, but I didn't understand why.
And I was sad that Bella cried. And I felt inexplicably guilty for having a mother
who loved and wanted me.
"I hate Bella's mom for making her so sad. Moms aren't supposed to do things to
hurt their kids." I finally huffed out.
"I know it seems that way now, baby. Her mom did the best she could. She loved
Bella enough to realize that she couldn't be a good mom. It doesn't make sense
now, I know, but one day you'll understand." She came over to sit next to me,
pulling me in a tight hug. "I'll tell you exactly what I told Bella earlier: Sometimes
even though you love someone with all your heart, you have to let them go.
Sometimes walking away is the most selfless thing you can do."
Chapter 8: The Eighth Time
The eighth time I told Bella Swan I loved her, everything changed. We tried to
move on.
11/12/07
Edward,
I finally made it back home and finally warmed up some! God, Chicago is
amazing, but so damn cold already! It was great to get to see your apartment
and meet your friends. Don't worry, I like Kate very much, she was really nice
and seemed good for you. Okay, I have to keep this short. Classes start back
tomorrow and I have a fuckton of work to catch up on from missing classes
Friday. It was totally worth it though! I'll miss you for Thanksgiving :(
~B
Kate's called to cancel again, for the second week in a row. We always go out on
Fridays, ever since we met in August, in Music Theory class. We were thrown
together for a group project and when it was over, we went out to celebrate. We
had so much fun together we decided to get together every week, as friends. I
kept the drunk guys away from her, she kept the cat-clawed women off of me. It
was win-win. In the last month or so, there's been a lot less pretending, at least
on my part, when it comes to keeping guys away from her. We had never missed
a week, unless one of us was sick- until B came to visit. Now Kate's acting
strange.
"Did I do something?" I ask her. I can't imagine what I would have done, but you
never know.
"No you didn't do anything wrong. I just, well, I wish you had said you had a
girlfriend before. I didn't realize that I was saving you for someone else," she
says quietly.
"There's no one else; I don't have a girlfriend. Who in the world did you think I
was dating?" I'm seriously confused.
"Edward, I saw you with Bella. If you two aren't dating, you should be. She
couldn't keep her eyes off of you, and the way you looked at her made me
blush!"
Even though we've been friends for months, I haven't really mentioned too much
of my history with B. She knows we've been friends forever, but beyond that it
just didn't feel relevant. And now that it might be relevant, it seems wrong to
bring up our more recent history. I had hoped that Kate and I were on the same
page, that we weren't quite dating yet, but were moving towards more than
friends. I think maybe this is what everyone means when they say I need to
move on- I need to at least try. So, I suck it up and I ask Kate point blank what I
thought we were agreeing on silently.
"I promise, Kate, there's nothing there. B's been my best friend forever, we just
tend to get caught up in our own world when we're together. I'm sorry if we
made you feel weird," I reassure her. Then, I get nervous; I've never asked a girl
on a date before. "Actually, I was kind of wondering if maybe the next time we go
out, if we could, um, go 'together'?"
She laughs, "We always go 'together', it would be hard to hang out if we were at
separate places."
"Kate...," I groan, she makes the corniest jokes. But, I'm relieved to have her
playfulness back, I'm not used to her being serious. "Fine, let me be clear: My
dearest Katherine, would you please allow me the pleasure of your company as
my date tomorrow evening to have beverages at the pub?" We're both laughing
now. "How was that? Better?" I ask her.
"That was much better and I would love to be your date, Edward."
"Yes, B, for the fiftieth time, I'm definitely coming home this summer, I just don't
know when yet. I have to get the final start date for my internship. But, I
promise, I'll be there at some point!" We've had this same conversation several
times a week for the last month. Bella seems to think that I'm going to ditch her
because I'm starting an internship with the Chicago Symphony. I do have to
admit that it would be nice to be able to have some time to relax in town before I
start working, but I know that everyone misses me. And I miss them, too.
"I know, Edward. I'm just so excited about you coming! It's going to be great to
have everyone home at the same time, just like old times."
"Well, if Kate is able to, I'm planning on bringing her, too. I want her to meet my
parents and everyone." My parents haven't been back in Chicago since the
holidays and Kate was out of town visiting her family, so they didn't get to meet
her. I'm a little nervous, since I've never brought a girl home before.
"Oh. I...I didn't realize you were thinking about bringing her home," Bella says
quietly. She's just gone from bouncing excitement to sounding positively
depressed.
"Why wouldn't I? She's my girlfriend. She has to meet everyone at some point,
right?"
"Well, yeah, I guess. I just, I was kind of hoping that we could have a few weeks
of just us, like it used to be."
"You like her, right? When you were here in November, you guys got along fine
and we all had fun. I don't understand why you wouldn't want her there."
"Nevermind. It doesn't matter." She just sounds off, like she's trying to hide
something from me, but is doing a terrible job.
"It does matter. You're acting weird. Why?"
"I'm not acting weird, I was just surprised. You can bring whoever you want."
Now she's being really defensive and pissy. "Hey, I need to run, I've got class.
Talk to you soon!"
I'm completely bewildered by her change in demeanor and her rush to get off the
phone. "Okay, B, talk to you then. I'll email you when I find out about my
schedule."
5/20/08
B,
I still think you sounded weird on the phone yesterday, but, whatever. I finally
got my schedule cleared, I'll be back in town for two weeks after finals, so June
12. I'll actually be there for my birthday this year- get me something good! Kate
can't make it, her internship starts too close to the end of classes.
I miss you!
Edward
9/17/08
Edward,
Chicago is too far. Come home? Okay, I know you can't but I really miss you.
This whole "best friends from afar" shit sucks. I don't know what's wrong with me
lately. I just wish you lived closer. It's so stupid, I'll be out with everyone and I'll
keep looking towards the door expecting you to walk through. Or Emmett and
Rose will start whispering to each other and I'll think about the stupid dialogue
we'd make up to for them.
November can't come fast enough. My dad was so excited to get to buy me a
birthday present, he didn't think twice when I asked for a ticket to Chicago again,
lol. Are you sure Kate won't mind me crashing at your place?
~B
"Hey, can you go ahead and put in to get the second weekend in November off?
B's going to be in town and I want us to all go out again." Kate and I are hanging
out at my apartment, going over some homework together. She's at my place
most days now because her roommate is obnoxious.
"Oh, um, yeah, I can check. I don't know, they've been weird about people
asking off close to holidays though," she replies, sounding distracted.
"That's fine. If you can, that would be great though. We had so much fun last
time."
"Yeah. So, is Bella staying here again?" It seems like an odd question.
"Of course, where else would she stay?" Kate gives me a funny look, like she has
something she wants to say, but instead she just turns back to her work.
"Kate? You don't care if she stays here, do you? I can't ask her to get a hotel,
she's my best friend."
She seems to consider her reply before she answers me, trying to be casual, but
it sounds forced. "No, of course I don't mind. It's your apartment. I was just
asking." Then she grins at me mischievously, "I think it will be fun anyway. We
can all three have a slumber party. We'll paint each other's nails and do each
other's hair. If you're really lucky, we can even have a pillow fight!" I'm laughing
along with her, but I also try to subtly shift my book to cover my hardening dick.
My mind is swimming in images of Kate and Bella, in short pajamas, hitting each
other with pillows.
Kate doesn't miss a thing though, and starts laughing at me as she gathers her
things to go to class. She knows exactly what she's doing to me.
12/02/08
B,
I wanted you to be the first to know and I know you've been really busy lately, so
I decided to email you instead of calling. (I miss our daily phone calls by the
way!) Kate and I have decided to move in together when her lease is up at the
end of the month. It makes sense, I have all this room and she hates her
roommate. It's the logical next step.
She's coming home with me for Christmas, we wanted to tell Mom and Dad while
we're there and I want her to meet everyone else. I hope you'll help keep Rose
and Alice off her back.
I do love her, B. She's good for me, we're good together. And I'm doing what you
asked me to. I hope you find someone who makes you happy. I will always love
you and be your best friend, no matter what.
Edward
"Maybe I should just go home for Christmas, Edward. My mom's kind of pissed at
me for skipping it, and you should have time alone with your family and friends."
Kate says out of the blue, sounding tense.
"What? Kate, we've already gotten your ticket. Your mom said she was fine with
it since we went there for Thanksgiving. And my friends really want to meet you."
I'm panicking a little, I mean, what if she's having second thoughts about us,
about moving in with me.
She doesn't look convinced at all. "I'm just afraid they won't like me."
"Why are you so worried? You know my folks adore you, they're going to be
happy for us." I reminded her.
"I know, this is just a big deal, you know? I mean, what if your mom only likes
me as long as we aren't living together? Or what if your friends don't like me at
all? I've never done this whole 'going home with someone for Christmas' thing.
Then on top of that, we're telling everyone we're moving in together?"
"Well, I've never done the whole 'bringing someone home for Christmas' thing or
the whole moving in together thing, either, so we're perfectly matched," I smiled
at her gently. "Bella will be there when you meet everyone else, so you'll know
one other person. Katie, please don't over think this."
"Yeah, if Bella is going to be there, then everything is going to be great," she said
in a small, tense voice. I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not, but figured
that starting a fight wasn't going to help her nerves. Usually Kate was fine with
me and Bella, but sometimes, it seemed to bother her. I figured if there was
really an issue, she would say something.
I held her face between my hands, running my thumbs across her cheeks and
leaned my head against hers. "They're going to love you because I love you." I
felt her body relax and she reached up to kiss me lightly on the mouth. "I love
you, too, Edward. Thank you."
And I did love her. Our relationship was comfortable and while it isn't all the fire
and passion I'd always assumed I would have, I can't help but think that she's
exactly what I need. She was quiet and gentle, she soothed and calmed me. She
made me feel sane.
12/05/08
Edward,
Of course I'll help with Alice and Rose. I know you and Kate will be very happy.
That's all I've ever wanted, is for you to be happy.
~B
I held Kate's hand as we walked off the plane in Seattle, squeezing it lightly to
reassure her. The airport was a madhouse; a week before Christmas is a horrid
time to travel, any later would have been insanity. We had gotten to the end of
the concourse and were heading towards the baggage carousel, when Kate
started tensing up. I snaked my arm around her waist, "So, are you ready for the
insanity to begin?" I laughed. "My mom goes overboard, just so you know. No will
ever accuse her of doing Christmas half-assed."
As we stopped to wait for our luggage, I noticed my mother in all her festive-
sweater glory and watched in horror as she came barrelling down on us. I
whispered to Kate, "Incoming!" Kate's head snapped up, and I saw her eyes go
wide as she was suddenly tackled by my mother and almost thrown to the ground
with the force of her affection. She helped steady Kate, then threaded their arms
together and started walking quickly towards the exit, talking animatedly the
whole time. Apparently Dad let her start hitting the eggnog early. She didn't even
spare me a second glace. And Kate was worried Mom didn't really like her, I
scoffed internally.
I looked around for my dad and found him waiting on our luggage. I walked over
to point out our suitcases.
"It's good to see you, Edward! Your mother has been unbearable the last couple
of days, getting the house ready for you and Kate," Hhe said as we hugged
tightly. I didn't get to spend much time with my dad growing up because he
worked so much, but now that he was retired, we had grown very close.
We grabbed the luggage and walked quickly to catch up with the Mom and Kate,
who were already waiting in the car, warming it up. The drive back to Forks
seemed to go by very quickly with everyone talking at once. Mom finally
remembered I was there, and promptly started rapid-firing questions at me about
school, Chicago, and everything else. I think I liked it better when she ignored
me. Kate was laughing quietly at me, I guess she thought it was funny that it was
my turn to be interrogated by my mother.
We finally made it to my parents house and got settled in my old room before
Mom and Kate left to run errands. My dad and I sat down in front of the TV, with
some football game as background noise as he turned to me, clearing his throat.
It's never a good thing when your father clears his throat at you.
"It really is good to have you home, son. Your mother and I have both missed
you very much."
"It's good to be home, Dad." I looked at him questioningly, I knew there was
more.
"Right, well, I wanted to talk to you about something, get your opinion. Am I
correct in assuming that you're going to try to stay in Chicago after graduation?"
It seemed a bit of a non sequitur, but my dad did have a tendency to wander
around conversations.
"Well, yeah, if I can. The internship with the Chicago Symphony is almost a sure
bet for landing me a job after I graduate. My chances of finding anything similar
in Seattle are almost none."
"That's what we were thinking, too. So, what would you think about your mother
and I moving to Chicago?" I guess the shock was evident on my face.
"Not right this second, of course. We were thinking sometime after your
graduation. Your mother is retiring this summer, and we wanted to travel a bit
before we moved. That will give you time to find out for certain that you're going
to be in Chicago, too. So, what do you think?"
"I think that would be great, Dad! I've missed you guys and once I start working,
it's going to be harder for me to get back here for holidays. Having you guys
close by would make it much easier."
"Well, good, your mother will be happy about that. I'll be glad to be closer to you,
too." He turned to watch the game, but I stopped him.
"Actually, Dad, there was something I wanted to talk to you about, too. I, um,
I've asked Kate to move in with me, and she's agreed." My dad's eyebrows shot
up, he looked completely shocked, before quickly turning his expression neutral.
"I didn't realize you were so serious about her, Edward. I mean, I figured you
bringing her home meant she was important, but living together? That's a huge
step."
"Well, we've been together over a year and her lease is up at the end of the
month. It just seemed to make sense. I thought you guys liked her?" I was trying
not to get defensive, I knew he was just making sure I had thought everything
through. But still, it was annoying to be questioned like that.
"Oh, it's not a matter of liking her, we like her very much. I guess we just always
thought that you'd...," he trailed off abruptly. I sighed heavily, I knew exactly
what they'd assumed. And it pissed me off because I'd always assumed it, too.
But, life doesn't always work out the way we think it should.
"What, Dad? That I'd be with Bella? Well, it wasn't for lack of trying. She made it
perfectly clear to me that I will never be more to her than a best friend. I've
waited for years for her to see me. I've almost lost her twice by trying to force
her hand. She asked me to walk away, it's what I've done. Kate is wonderful, I
love her. She's not Bella, but I think that's a good thing. She doesn't leave me
tied up in knots, ass over end, wondering which way is up.
"I can have a good life with Kate, a nice, quiet, normal life. I would think after all
the shit I went through Freshman year, you would have been happy that I was
growing up." By this point I was almost glaring at him. I thought I was doing
what everyone wanted, I was getting my shit together.
"Calm down, Edward. I wasn't questioning your judgement. You know your
mother and I will stand behind you, no matter what choices you make. We want
you to be happy and if Kate makes you happy, then we support you one-hundred
percent." I relaxed slightly at his words, I really didn't understand why I got so
defensive to begin with.
He went on, "I am glad that you're growing up, you've become a man that I'm
proud to call my son. But, growing up doesn't mean you have to settle for
something that might not be right. You're only twenty, I just don't want you to
rush into anything that you could regret later."
"Dad, we're moving in together, not getting married!" I said, the frustration
evident in my voice. Really, all I was looking for was a 'that's great, son, wear a
condom'. Not a fucking lecture on how I'm screwing everything up, again.
"Like I said, if you're happy, we're happy. It's my job to say the things you don't
want to hear. It's your job to decide whether or not they're important." He gave
me a small smile, patting my leg. I sighed, "Okay, Dad. Thank you for looking out
for me. I have it under control, I promise."
We both gratefully turned back to the TV and quickly got lost in a discussion of
the Seahawk's defense.
WWWWWWWW
A few days before Christmas, everyone was over at my parent's house, half
watching stupid holiday movies, and drinking spiked eggnog. Kate had met
everyone the day after we got here, and, of course, they liked her. Well, Alice
and Rosalie were initially a little rude, but B quickly called them out and made
them play nice. Once they gave Kate a chance, she fit right in.
Mom and Dad had turned their head when we smuggled the drinks from the
kitchen, so we were all a little buzzed and laughing loudly. Mostly, they were
trying to tell stories to embarrass me.
"Oh my god, Edward," Bella snorted loudly, already laughing at the story she was
getting ready to tell. "Do you remember when Jessica Stanley decided she was
going to marry you?"
I started laughing with her, "Which time?" By now, everyone else was laughing
loudly, except Kate, who was smiling at me curiously. I kept forgetting that she
hadn't heard all of these stories a million times. Bella must have caught onto
Kate's bewilderment, because she stopped laughing long enough to explain to
her.
"When we were little, Jessica kept surprising Edward with weddings. She would
get one of the other boys in the class to drag him off to some corner of the
playground where she would have her little friends lined up as bridesmaids and
someone else would be the minister. She was really persistent!" Her voice
quieted uncomfortably, "He finally told me about it and I saved him from her evil
clutches."
I don't think anyone else noticed the shift in her mood, but I wondered if she was
remembering the rest of the conversation we had that day. Just then, Kate
reached over to squeeze my hand, leaning into my side as I put my arm around
her shoulder and kissed the top of her head.
Bella spoke again, her voice sounding strained, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a
drink, anyone want anything?" There were several requests for more eggnog, and
she was out of the room quickly.
The doorbell rang right after B had gone and I hopped up to answer it. Swinging
it open, I was met by a bouncing Charlotte and an amused looking Peter.
"Surprise!" she yelled loudly, flinging herself at me and I hugged her fiercely.
"Char, I thought you guys were staying in Miami! It's so good to see you!" I let
go of her and reached over to shake Peter's hand. "Hey, man, it's good to see
you, too!"
"I know, we were, but both of our parents were having a fit about us missing
Christmas, and then you finally drug your ass back here, we decided to come
home," Charlotte explains.
"Well, come in, we're all just hanging around the living room. B's in the kitchen
getting drinks, do you guys want anything?"
"We'll have whatever everyone else is having. Thanks, Eddie!" I scowl playfully at
Charlotte before I walk to the kitchen. Just before I round the corner, I heard
voices and paused. It sounded like Bella is in there with Alice and Rose. B's voice
is a teary whisper, "I just don't know what to do. It hurts." Alice interrupted her,
"You know you have to tell him, Bella. It's not fair to keep it from him." I feel bad
that I'm eavesdropping on what's obviously a private conversation.
I walk into the kitchen, pretending to have missed their exchange. "Charlotte and
Peter just got here, so we'll need a couple more drinks." I keep myself in motion
around the kitchen, grabbing glasses from the cabinet and the pitcher of eggnog
from the fridge. "Would you guys mind bringing those other glasses on your way
back, please?" I say as I leave the kitchen. I refuse to let myself think about what
she could have been talking about. If she wants me to know, she'll tell me. I'm
just desperately hoping that it's not what I think it is, that she's finally found
someone else.
I make my way into the living room, where I find everyone laughing and having a
good time. Kate looks up at me and smiles, scooting over to make room for me
after I set everything on the coffee table. I sit next to her on the couch, pulling
her into my side again; I need to hold onto her, so I can be reminded of why
Bella's possible relationship is none of my business. My fake smile is plastered
firmly in place as I look around the room. My stomach sinks as I meet Charlotte's
eyes. Her gaze is scrutinizing, she's summing me up and she's working out that
something is off with me. I'm sure that means she'll be cornering me at some
point to find out what is going on, and I'm sure that I'll be singing like a fucking
bird. Even though I only see her sporadically, she is still like a goddamn truth
serum for me.
The other girls come back into the room after a few minutes and we all start
discussing our plans for the future. The conversation turns towards Kate and I; it
feels weird to be making this announcement, it's just a change of address for her,
but really it's going to change everything.
Emmett's booming voice begins our interrogation, "So, Edward, what about you
and Katie there? Any exciting plans coming up?"
Kate smiles at me gently as I turn to look at the group. For reasons I can't
explain, my eyes lock with Bella's before I start talking. "Actually, we've decided
to move in together when we get back to Chicago after Christmas."
There's a round of congratulations and good lucks, but I barely hear them. My
eyes are still locked onto Bella's watching as an array of emotions plays across
her face. The look that twists my heart and finally forces me to look away is also
the one that confuses me the most: hurt.
On a whim, I decide to include the information my dad had shared with me
earlier. "Well, and there's more- my parents are talking about moving to Chicago
after I graduate."
There's a general consensus of shock at the news. Everyone knows that without
my parents here, I would really have no reason to come back on a regular basis.
With this news, I've avoided Bella because I couldn't stand to see the sadness on
her face again. Her phone rang suddenly, snapping everyone's focus to her, she
ducks her head at the attention, hiding her face. She stands quickly, flipping open
the phone to answer. Two things happen at once, her eyes meet mine and I see
unshed tears and I hear her whisper "Jake" into the receiver, acknowledging the
caller, just before she rushes to leave the room.
Bella had been gone several minutes and everyone else was talking about other
things. Kate was talking to Alice and Rose, so I decided to go outside to clear my
head. I needed a few minutes alone.
A little bit later, Charlotte found me sitting out on the back porch. The look on her
face suddenly made me wish I was a smoker, I needed something to get me
through this conversation. She sat across from me in a lounger, cool and
collected.
"So, Kate seems nice," she said. That wasn't exactly what I was expecting her to
begin with, my sense of self-preservation just went on high alert. Charlotte was
obviously gearing up to chew my ass up and spit it out.
"She is, she's very nice. I love her and that's why we're moving in together," I
rambled nervously. Fuck. Without hardly any words exchanged, I knew this
wasn't going well.
"Mmhmm. So, why are you holding back from her?" Charlotte's eyebrow was
raised in defiance, daring me to argue with her.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Char. I'm not holding back. We're
moving forward, I'm doing what everyone expected of me. I've found a nice girl
and I'm working on making a life with her." She and I both hear what I'm not
saying, that I'm trying to force myself to get over my first choice.
"What happened in the kitchen earlier?"
I'm so shocked by the change in direction of this conversation, I don't have time
to think of a way to skirt around what I heard. "I heard B telling Alice and Rose
something that made it sound like she's found someone else."
"Eddie, I saw the look on your face when you came into the living room. You
could cover it over with fake smiles all you wanted, but I would know that look
anywhere. It's the same look you wore for the first few months of our friendship.
It's the look of a boy in love with someone who doesn't return his feelings. I don't
understand how you can truly believe you're moving on when the mere thought
of Bella doing the same, which I think you might be wrong about, by the way,
obviously wrecks you."
I glared in her direction. I knew better than to yell at her, but god I wanted to
fucking scream at her for always knowing everything, for always being right. She
took my silence as permission to continue.
"I'm not trying to piss you off or give you shit. If I haven't made it glaringly
obvious by now, I love you like a brother, Edward. I can't just sit by and let you
lie to yourself. And I really can't sit by and watch you hurt someone else in the
process because you don't want to be honest with yourself. Kate isn't a
placeholder. She isn't a consolation prize. She's a girl who obviously loves you
very, very much, despite the fact that she knows you love someone else."
"I don't know what everyone wants from me. I'm doing the best I can. I'm happy
with Kate, she's good for me. I won't ever feel for anyone else the way I felt
about Bella, because no will ever be her. I love Kate, it's quiet and sweet, but it's
still love. Maybe I'm not completely over Bella yet, but I'm working on it. And I
would never knowingly hurt Kate."
Charlotte stood up, I think she knew that I was done with this conversation and
needed to be alone now. "I'm not saying you should spend the rest of your life
pining over Bella. You know that's the very last thing I want for you. But, you
need to decide how fair it is to Kate to drag her along for the ride while you figure
out how to actually move on, instead of just going through the motions for
everyone else." And with that she left me alone on the porch, my head trying to
make sense of everything she had said and my heart trying to force me to ignore
her.
In the 2nd grade, Jessica Stanley was convinced that we were destined to be
together forever and she wanted nothing more than to marry me, repeatedly. It
went on for weeks, anytime Bella and I were separated on the playground,
Jessica was there, forcing me into another pretend wedding ceremony. I don't
know why I didn't just tell her 'no', it just seemed easier to go along with her
than to fight her.
Finally, Jessica's hovering made B notice, and she asked me about it. "Edward,
why is Jessica always following you around the playground?" She was standing,
her head tilted to the side the way it did when she was concentrating really hard
on something that didn't make sense.
"I don't know. Do you want to go swing?" I tried to change the subject.
"Do you want to go play with her? You can if you want." Bella said, sounding a
little sad.
"NO! No, I don't want to play with Jessica. I only want to play with you!" I yelled,
afraid that Bella was going to stop unwittingly protecting me from Jessica by
leaving me alone with her.
"Okay, Edward, you don't have to. I just wanted to make sure that you knew you
could have other friends, if you want." It had never occurred to me to care about
playing with other kids, Bella was really all that I needed.
"B, we'll always be friends no matter what, right?" I asked, unsure. What if she
really wanted to play with other kids and I was keeping her from that.
"Of course! We'll have houses next door to each other and our kids will grow up
to be friends, just like us." I laughed at that. I couldn't imagine ever living in my
own house and if I had to, I would want Bella to live there with me- not next
door.
"Who do you think we're gonna marry, B? Jessica keeps making me marry her. I
don't want to be married to her." Every time Jessica made me stand there and
promise to play only with her and to bring her my extra cookies from lunch, I
always said B's name in my head instead of Jessica's. I hoped that Bella would
say she wanted to marry me, and promise to bring me her little bags of potato
chips that my mom wouldn't let me have.
I noticed that Bella's face got red after I told her about Jessica. Her voice
sounded angry, when she replied, "I don't know know who we'll marry Edward.
But, the next time Jessica Stanley comes near you, you come tell me. I'll make
sure she knows she is not marrying you!"
Chapter 9: The Last Time
The last time I told Bella Swan I loved her, I walked away. I didn't look back.
"Kate, are you sure you don't want to come with me?" We were sitting in our
dining room, eating dinner together. My flight was leaving the next morning. I
already knew her answer, I was just really nervous about this trip back to Forks.
Packing up my childhood, home and saying goodbye to the place I grew up was
going to be hard.
"You know I can't, I'm sorry." Kate was starting her Masters in Music Therapy and
classes were starting too close to the trip. I was able to finagle a slightly later
start date with the Symphony so that I could go home to help my parents pack
for their move to Chicago. "Besides, you need to help your parents and you
know, see...," she paused to clear her throat, "see Bella."
Even after a year and a half of living together, Kate still had trouble with my
relationship with Bella. She tried to keep it quiet, she didn't get jealous and
angry, or make demands limiting my contact with Bella. But, I could always see
the uncertainty in her eyes when it came to talking about B. She knew about my
history with Bella, and while Kate also knew I would never hurt her, it was just a
sore spot for her.
"It's okay. It just feels weird to go back there knowing it's going to be the last
time, you know?"
"Yeah, I can understand that. I can't help but feel like when you get back you'll
be 'all here'. I don't know, that's probably silly," she laughed nervously. I didn't
quite understand what she was saying, but it seemed like what she was implying
wasn't silly at all.
"What do you mean? I thought I was all here."
"Well, it just seems like part of you is always in Forks, you don't really have any
close friends here in Chicago, and I think it's because you know you always have
the friends you grew up with. And it's little things like, you still call Forks 'home',
even though you've lived here four years," she looked down at her lap, refusing
to look at me. "Like I said, it's probably silly."
I stood up and walked around the table, kneeling in front of her, so she would
meet my eyes. "Katie-cat, it's never silly if it's bothering you. I didn't realize you
felt like that. I guess I have always thought of Forks as being my safety net,
since I grew up there and the people there know me."
"I know, Edward, and I can understand that. I just hope that at some point, you'll
see me as your safety net. Maybe with your parents here, you'll feel more like
this is home."
I pull Kate from her chair to the floor with me, where I wrap my arms tightly
around her. "You are part of my safety net. I need you. I just, I guess, I need
them, too. It's really going to be hard letting that go."
"I understand, I really do. I just worry sometimes that you don't feel like you can
rely on me. It scares me because I feel like you're all I need," she says sadly.
"I'm so, so sorry if I ever made you doubt that I love you. I do love you, Kate.
Very much." I kiss her gently on her lips, trying to show her that I'm being
sincere, to reassure her that I'm here. She returns the kiss and I realize again,
just how much she understands me. I take that for granted sometimes, forgetting
that just because Kate doesn't always voice her observations, doesn't mean that
she's unobservant.
She pulls back, putting her hands on either side of my face so she can look me
square in the eye. "Just so you know, I have never doubted your love for me. I
just need reassurance sometimes that this is enough for you...that I am enough
for you."
This time when I kiss her, it's not sweet and gentle. I need to prove to her that
she is more than enough. I feel desperate for her to believe me, she returns the
kiss with equal fervor. I pick her up and carry her to our bed, where we make
love urgently, using our bodies to convey our fears and reassurances to each
other.
Later, after Kate has drifted off to sleep with a small smile on her face, I lay
awake, my mind going over the things she revealed to me tonight. Charlotte's
words from the day she met Kate play through my mind. Have I really been just
pretending to move on? Kate feels that I'm still living with part of me in Forks.
Now that I know that, it makes her apprehension about my friendship with Bella
make much more sense, especially given what she knows about how I felt about
B. Am I really giving Kate reason to believe that I'm still in love with Bella?
My mind turns to a conversation Bella and I had soon after Kate and I returned to
Chicago that Christmas. I had asked her about Jake and she replied that he was
just a guy she knew from class and that she hung out with him and his boyfriend
quite often. I knew I shouldn't have been as relieved as I was. Even now, I knew
that my continued relief at Bella being single wasn't appropriate for someone
involved in a serious relationship. My stomach turned and my heart ached at the
thought of Bella one day introducing a man to me as 'the love of her life' and me
to him as 'her best friend'.
I pulled Kate closer and kissed the top of her head, as she continued to sleep
soundly beside me. I had to make a decision and find real closure. I now
completely understood what Charlotte meant, and I realized just how unfair this
had been to Kate.
It seems that maybe this last trip to Forks- not home, I remind myself- would be
about leaving behind more than just the house where I grew up.
WWWWWWWWWWWW
I spot Bella waiting for me just outside of security, she's still scanning the crowd
and hasn't noticed me yet. I walk up behind her and tap her shoulder, she lets
out a small yip of surprise and immediately swats at my arm. We're both laughing
as I hug her lightly. For once, I pull away first and she looks a little upset.
"It's so good to see you, B! Thanks for picking me up," I smile at her.
"Well, I thought about making you walk," she jokes, rolling her eyes at me; the
awkwardness from just a minute ago is now thankfully gone. I don't have any
checked luggage, since I still have some stuff at my parents house, so we are
able to get to the car quickly. We chat animatedly about nothing in particular as
we head out of Seattle on our way home- Forks, I mentally correct myself. Bella
stops mid-story, as we approach an exit off the interstate, "So, do you want to
get some food before we head home, or do your parents need you now?"
"I think we can get a quick bite, I just need to call and let them know when we're
on our way. My dad was waiting for me to get there to break down some of the
heavier stuff for the movers."
The look on Bella's face at the mention of the movers makes my heart drop into
my stomach. She looks sad and lost and I'm reminded once again that this isn't
just any visit. This is the end of an era. Bella and I won't live in the same place
anymore, and as much as it shouldn't change anything, I know that it will. We'll
be moving on with our lives, lives completely separate from each other; our only
contact will be by phone or email, maybe the occasional trip to visit.
We pull into the parking lot of a small cafe, and B turns off the car. I swallow
thickly as my eyes meet hers, and I know she's thinking the same thing. She
gives me a watery smile, and we enter the restaurant much more subdued than
before.
By the time Bella drops me off at my parents house, it's late afternoon and the
dropping sun is casting lengthened shadows across the yard. It feels somber,
ephemeral, like the darkness could engulf the world at any minute and there's
nothing we can do to stop it.
"Do you want to come in and say hello?" I ask her, unsure if I'm actually capable
of spending more time with her right now. This whole day has been a roller
coaster of emotions. When we can forget what's coming, we're just like we've
always been- finishing each other's sentences and laughing over what would
appear to be nothing, but is actually the short-hand for memories of a life spent
growing up together. We climb the peaks and revel in the wind of shared history,
blowing in our faces. Then without any warning, we're dropped into the depths of
loss and despair at our impending, permanent separation.
I'm grateful when she declines, but it shouldn't surprise me. She knows me
better than anyone else, and of course, she knows that I need space right now.
What I really want is to be small enough to curl up onto my mom's lap and cry
my eyes out. I want her to rub my back and tell me it will all be okay. I want to
be small enough to believe her.
The next several days are a blur of boxes, bubble wrap and packing tape. Bella
stops by to help one day, but she's working in Seattle, so I don't see her much.
Packing up my parents' house is surreal. There's almost a constant stream of
"Oh, that's where that went!" and "Why in the world do we own this?" My favorite
was when mom was cleaning out the basement and found the mural Bella and I
drew in the back of a closet when we were younger. It was just another thing B
convinced me to do that would have gotten me in trouble if Mom had found it
back then. As it was, we took pictures, before adding it to the list of places the
painters needed to touch up for the new owners. I tried to stop myself from
thinking about the erasing and sanitizing of my and Bella's history.
Then, on the last day of packing, the house barren and hollow, boxes stacked
against walls, I stumble upon something that makes me grin from ear to ear. I
was wiping down the baseboards in my bedroom when I realized a small section
was loose. Pulling it out slightly so that I could re-seat it, I suddenly remembered
why it was loose and pull it off all the way. Hidden there is a small box, dusty and
brittle with age. With the utmost reverence, I pull it free from the wall cavity, still
grinning like an idiot. I flip open my phone and scroll down to Bella's number,
waiting impatiently for her to pick up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, B, you have to come see this! Can you get off work early?" I ask, trying to
sound nonchalant, because I know she's going to flip when she sees it.
"I don't know, Edward. What's going on?" She sounds confused but intrigued.
I start laughing as I realize exactly how to tell her everything in just one short
phrase. "Agent Mop Top reporting for duty," I gasp out, laughing almost too hard
to breathe.
"Oh my god, really?" Now she's laughing along with me, she remembers and
knows exactly what that means.
"Yup, I'm calling an official meeting. Rendez-vous 1900 hours, Agent Fancy
Pants?" I use her spy name, still laughing along with her.
Bella makes it in record time, as eager as I am to open the box. She's grabbed
some takeout and beer on her way into Forks. She dropped off my parents' food
for them in the living room. We set up on the floor of my former room, legs
crossed, knees touching, drinking our beers and eating cashew chicken. The box
sits off to the side waiting for us to finish our food.
"Okay, I'm done. You can finish later, I want to open it now!" Bella insists. It
doesn't take more than that to convince me, I've been dying to open it for hours
now. The food is set aside, and the box is resting on our legs. We are both
staring down at it, like it's buried treasure- which in a way, I guess it is. Though,
we're probably the only two people in the world who think that.
B reaches out and carefully lifts the lid, trying not to stir up the dust. We both
peer in at the same time, and I'm assaulted by memories. We both start speaking
at the same time, talking over each other and laughing:
"Oh my god, do you remember this?"
"Oh, that time that we..."
"...and I picked up this bottle cap."
"I threw that rock..."
"I was grounded for a week, remember?"
And then, below the rocks and caps and scraps of paper and other detritus of
childhood is something I can't place in our chronology. I recognize the object, but
have no idea what the significance is supposed to be. Bella sees me reach for it,
and her hand shoots out to grab it before I can. She's staring and blushing. It's
just a small button, silver with a design imprinted in the metal.
"B, what's that?"
"It's a button," she replies in a soft voice.
"Yes, I can see that it's a button. Why is it in our box? I don't remember anything
about a button." I'm really confused now, wracking my brain trying to place this
thing. It must fit in somewhere; B put it in, and only our most important
treasures were allowed.
She sighed, before tearing her eyes away from it to look intently into mine. "It's
from the coat closet in Mike Newton's basement. It was poking my leg and I
shoved it in my pocket before I stood up."
My breath hitches. She doesn't have to clarify anymore. I know. Our first kiss. I
can't believe she thought to keep something from that. My heart constricts in a
not-unpleasant way, trying to imagine her thought process at that moment, when
we were laughing and happy, sitting in the middle of a smelly closet.
Bella is still staring in my eyes, like she's trying to tell me something, that odd
look on her face that I've never been able to make sense of. I feel that familiar
pull between us, my lips ache to feel hers, my arms can feel the phantasm of her
body held tight within them. I want nothing more than to give in and let go. I
watch as Bella's eyelids slide shut, she reaches her tongue out to wet her lips,
leaving them partly open, her face smooth and free from worry. She lifts her
hands, placing them along my upper thighs, anchoring herself to me. I feel my
body lean forward without my permission, to meet hers. I want this. Bella wants
this. I can't for the life of me remember why we shouldn't, I don't want to
remember. My lips are almost to hers, her face is starting to blur out of focus I'm
so close, and just before I close my eyes in acquiescence, I see the slightest trace
of a furrow between her eyebrows. I throw myself away from her, my shorts
causing my ass to slide across the bare wood floors of my former bedroom. Right,
that- her doubt and reticence- is why we shouldn't do this. And Kate, my
conscious pipes up at that moment. Fuck, right, and Kate.
Bella is sitting there, her eyes wide, staring at me as if she's never seen me
before. She starts to speak, her voice sounding breathy and odd, "Edward, I
see..."
But, I cut her off. I know what's coming next and I just can't hear it again.
"Don't, Bella, it's okay. I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry. I love Kate,"
I try to reassure her. I don't want her to freak out on my last night in town. The
last thing I need is for things to get weird because I keep imagining things that
don't exist and causing problems between us. Except that you didn't imagine her
reaching for you or her eyes closing or that look on her face.
She looks close to tears as she nods her head at me in acknowledgment. In an
effort to break this unbearable tension, I smile at her gently and start gathering
our garbage together. "Come on, B, let's go downstairs. I know my parents
wanted to hang out with you, too."
We spend the rest of our evening with my parents, the awkwardness between us
dissipating once we're no longer alone, and we end up having fun just reminiscing
with them. Bella leaves at 10:30 to go to Charlie's house to stay the night. She's
driving me to Seattle in the morning and we both need to get some sleep.
Except that I don't. I toss and turn, running the almost-kiss through my mind,
making myself crazy debating whether I imagined it or not. My heart is trying to
convince me that I shouldn't have been so quick to stop her from speaking, I
shouldn't have shut down the almost-kiss, that maybe this time would have been
different. My mind argues back that she hasn't given me reason to believe
anything has changed for her, wishful thinking has only ever gotten me hurt.
Round and round for hours. Until the alarm on my phone starts buzzing, telling
me that she will be here in half an hour and I have to decide if I'm going to do
anything, or just pretend it didn't happen.
WWWWWWWWWWWW
Bella pulls up the driveway of my parents house to pick me up one last time. It's
so early, the sky is still blue-black overhead, a hint of purple peeks through the
dark shadow of trees along the eastern horizon. I smile at her sadly as I buckle
my seat belt and take a final look at my childhood home. We back down the
driveway, onto the street and begin the drive into Seattle. She nods towards the
front console of the car, and I see that she has hot coffee waiting for me; I'm
grateful to have something to occupy my hands.
The drive to the airport is quiet, neither Bella nor I are interested in talking. I
know that I have so much to say, but the words don't exist to say it. I'm thinking
about last night, I'm thinking about leaving Forks, thinking that the next time I
come back- if I come back- I will only be a visitor. Everything is now past tense: I
lived in that house, I played in that park, I attended that school, and soon-to-be
most painful of all, I loved this girl.
This feels like the Big Goodbye, the last one. And I know that despite everything
that's changed, my feelings for Bella have never fully left me. I realize that before
I force myself to snuff that last flickering flame of hope that's been burning for so
long, I have to ask one more time. Kate has been more than patient and I know
it's time. If I'm going back to Chicago, I have to be all in, because Kate deserves
nothing less.
After the long drive, Bella decides to walk me into the airport. We're standing in
front of security check in at Sea-Tac, my carry-on bag slung over my shoulder,
ticket in hand. A faceless mass of people hurry past us, moving forward, coming
home, going away, carrying on, as if the world isn't falling apart around them, as
if this moment isn't the end of everything.
"Bella, all you have to do is ask me to stay and I will." Please, please ask me to
stay.
"You have to go. Your life is waiting, everything is waiting for you. She is waiting
for you." I can see the tears she's holding back, her slightly too pink cheeks are
betraying her emotions, and her breath stutters minutely on the exhale. Our
almost 17 years of friendship allow me to see the chinks in her carefully
constructed armor. To anyone else, she's as calm and collected as always, the
mask firmly in place.
"I love you, Bella. I'll always love you."
"I know", she says sadly as she kisses my cheek, gives me one last tight hug and
walks away. I watch her until she turns a corner and is out of sight. She doesn't
turn around, she never does. I decide that this will be the last time I watch her
walk away, and it will be the last time I would confess my love. She's right, my
life is waiting for me; I can't make it wait anymore. Steeling my resolve, I walk to
security check-in, and this time I don't look back.
I have no memory to compare this to. My whole life has revolved around my best
friend. Even when I wanted to hate her, she was still there and I had hope. But,
her absence? I have no reference for that.
Chapter 10: Moving On
I leaned heavily against the back of desk chair, running my fingers roughly
through my hair, and sighed in frustration. I'd just sent off another short,
awkward reply to an email from Bella. We had been trying to keep in touch, even
though we were living completely separate lives now. I still wanted to know how
she was doing and I think she felt the same. In the past few months she had sent
me several really long, detailed accounts of her days and what was going on in
Seattle. As casual as she tried to be, there was this undercurrent of sadness and
there always seemed to be something she wasn't saying. I replied to each email,
but everything I wrote felt so contrived; I didn't know what to say to her.
It wasn't from lack of wanting to tell her things, and it definitely wasn't that I
didn't want Bella and I to be friends anymore. It was just that I couldn't think of
anything to say to her that wouldn't feel like I was being disloyal to Kate. When I
left Washington, I had vowed that I would give Kate the parts of myself she
needed. Which sounded great in theory; in practice, I had no fucking clue. So
much of me had belonged to Bella for so long, that I didn't even know how to
begin to extract her from those small nooks and crannies to allow room for Kate.
It was frustrating to finally decide to let go, only to realize that there was no way
to rescind Bella's claim.
I knew that my continued reticence to fully allow Kate in was hurting her. I think
she really had seen my parents moving here as a panacea for our relationship
and it hadn't worked out that way at all. Having them here definitely helped, but
no matter what I did, Chicago never felt like home.
Kate encouraged me to get me involved with things here. I was making an effort
to get to know my co-workers and Kate's friends. She even had us branch out
and make 'couple friends'. Dinner with people I didn't know, or have anything in
common with, was uncomfortable at best. I'd never really needed a bunch of
casual friends, and would have been content for it to be just Kate and me. But, I
continued to go along with her because it was the least I could do for her. If I
couldn't give her all of the person I was, I would figure out who she needed me to
be and she could have all of him.
It was a lazy Sunday morning and Kate and I were laying around in bed, each of
us with coffee in hand, reading the newspaper. I loved times like this with her,
when we just were, and I could forget my almost constant efforts to be more for
her. If we could just be like this all the time, maybe we could lose some of the
tension that was becoming ever present in our relationship. I realized that all
relationships went through hard times, and we weren't immune. I knew Kate was
worth it, and I knew we were both trying, that's what made these moments of
reprieve even sweeter. They were glimpses of how things could be if we could
just get through this.
Kate rustled the section of paper she was reading, closing it and reaching for the
next part. "So, when did you come to bed last night?" she asked.
"I don't know, it was kind of late. Emmett and I were talking and well, you know
how much he can talk," I laughed lightly. "Actually, he was calling to tell me
some pretty good news, though there was never a doubt in my mind that it was
coming. He's asking Rose to marry him. He emailed me pictures of the ring if you
want to see."
"Yeah, definitely. That is exciting." Kate smiled at me. "It must be really nice to
find the person you're meant to be with so young."
I blanched slightly at Kate's words, the pain searing my heart in fiery reminder
that I knew what that kind of love was like, even if I wasn't allowed to have it.
The movement caught her eye, but she didn't comment, though I could see how
much it hurt her. She cleared her throat lightly before speaking.
"Have you ever thought about us, you know, getting married?" she queried
hesitantly. We had talked about marriage before in general terms, we both knew
it was something we wanted, but we had never discussed specifics or time lines.
Given all the tension and disquiet recently, I was surprised that she was thinking
about it now, but it seemed like a bad idea to point that out.
I took a sip of my coffee, trying to buy time to figure out how to answer her.
Truthfully, I knew I would probably marry Kate someday, but it was a vague,
unnamed time in the future. I couldn't imagine marrying her right now when I
still felt so torn between the person she needed me to be and the one I'd always
been for...well, just who I'd been.
"Of course, I've thought about it, Kate," I agreed, pulling her towards me and
kissing her head. "We both know that's something we want for ourselves, but
we're not even twenty-three. I'd like to be a bit more established with the
Symphony, maybe be in a position to buy a house. I just don't think we need to
rush. Things are good now, right?"
I knew it wasn't the answer she wanted, but it was the only one I could give. I
wasn't going to ask her to marry me out of a sense of guilt and obligation. I loved
her, when I asked her it would be because my heart demanded it.
"I just never pictured myself living with a guy long term, with no firm plans of
making it permanent. And we've lived together more than two years, Edward. I'm
just not sure what we're waiting for," she explained, looking at my face, watching
me intently. I started to interrupt her, but she continued, "I mean, I heard what
you said, but I don't understand what those things have to do with getting
married. I love you and you love me- what more do we need for a wedding,
really?"
"I'm just not ready for that right now, Kate. I like our life, I like the way things
are. I don't want to rush into something as permanent as marriage. I just need
more time- please." I was hoping she understood where I was coming from.
She untangled her arms from mine and began to straighten up the bed. She had
just gathered the coffee cups, and was walking towards the door, when I heard
her whisper harshly under her breath, "Yes, Edward, by all means, whatever you
need." But she was out of the room before I could respond.
"I don't know, Charlotte. I love her, I do. I just can't give her more than this right
now. I'm fucking trying so hard, but it's like she's suddenly pushing for things
that I thought were years away." I was pacing the apartment, talking to
Charlotte, trying to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do. After yet
another non-argument over 'our future', Kate had left the apartment, citing
errands, and had refused my offer to come with her. It was as close to fighting as
we ever got.
"Have you actually talked to her about it?" Charlotte asked, starting at the most
obvious place.
"Yes, I've tried every time she's brought it up. She just looks so sad and hurt
whenever I tell her I'm not ready to marry her. I just don't understand why she
keeps pushing it. Things are mostly pretty good between us, why does she need
more right now?" I was so frustrated my hands were pulling at my hair, it was a
nervous habit I hadn't indulged in since I was a teenager.
"Well, Eddie, look at it from her perspective." I could hear the smile in Charlotte's
voice as she used my hated nickname. "She's been with you for over three and a
half years. That's a long time to be with someone without knowing where you're
going. Have you actually said to her that you intend to marry her? Hell, do you
actually intend to marry her?"
"I haven't in so many words, no. I've told her why we can't do it right now, and
promised we could talk about it later. That's kind of the same thing, right? She
knows I'm thinking about it."
"No, Edward, that is absolutely not the same thing," she scoffed darkly. "What
you've done is ask her to stick around while you decide, after this many years
together, if maybe a few more will make the idea of marrying her more palatable.
What she wants to hear is that you already know you're going to marry her, but
you need time to be in a place to make that a reality."
"So, I'll ask you again, Edward. Do you actually intend to marry her?" Charlotte
asked firmly.
"I don't know, Char," I growled in frustration, pulling my hair tighter through my
fingers. "I want to some day, but I just, I don't know. We get along fine, we don't
fight, she's funny and smart, we like the same things. But, it's just nothing like I
thought it was supposed to be."
"Oh, Eddie," she said, her voice full of sympathy. "That sounds like more than
just an 'I don't know'. You shouldn't have to talk yourself into this, it's not like
going to the doctor where you know that even though it's going to suck, the
benefits outweigh the discomfort. Especially after this long together, you should
know what you want and were you're going."
"I do love Kate, though. It's just hard right now, you know? It feels like
everything is changing out of the blue."
"No, not out of the blue. You're just late to the party. See, Kate has seen this
whole thing as a real relationship since the beginning." She no longer sounded
very sympathetic. "You, however, have just decided to get your head out of your
ass and see that she's a real person, not just someone to keep your side warm
for Bella. So, you're freaking out over, say, month six relationship stuff, and she's
freaking out over much longer term stuff."
"Oh," was all I could think to say, because really, what else can you say to that?
Today had been a horrible day- and not just work, either. Nothing had gone right
all day long, if it could spill, tear, stain, or break, it did. To top it off, there was an
empty calendar entry for today on my phone. I couldn't remember what it was
supposed to be, but I knew it was something.
I just wanted to go home, curl up on the couch with Kate, and veg out in front of
the TV. Maybe I could convince her to just order pizza instead of cooking. The
guy next to me on the L was especially smelly today, and the train had already
had to stop twice because of some problem. I added 'shower' to my list of things
I wanted to do when I got home. I was really hoping that Kate didn't have plans
for us tonight. I would have called to check with her, but my phone battery died
just as I got on the train.
I finally opened the door to our apartment, almost two hours late, kicking off my
shoes, throwing my bag down and collapsing, face-first and prostrate, onto the
couch. It took me a few minutes before I realized that it smelled fucking amazing
in here, and that it was eerily quiet. I lifted my head just slightly from the
cushion and called out for Kate, but I didn't receive an answer.
With a groan as my body protested the movement, I stood from the couch and
went to find Kate. I knew she wasn't in the kitchen, because I would have seen
her already. After checking the rest of the apartment, I had only confirmed what I
already suspected- she wasn't here. I tried to remember if she had something to
do today, but nothing came to mind. I wandered into the kitchen to investigate
the good smells, hoping that maybe she left dinner, and was met by a small,
yellow note posted on the refrigerator.
E,
Waited as long as I could. Call me when you get home.
K
Waited? What had she waited for? Then it hit me, "Oh, fuck", she would be livid
when she finally saw me. She had a reception at work that she had been
reminding me of for weeks now, one of the few work related things she had that
not only allowed guests, but encouraged it. She was even making an appetizer to
bring, which was why the kitchen smelled so good. And I had flaked on her. Fuck
me.
I tried calling her phone, but she kept sending me to voice mail. There was
nothing I could do but wait for her to get home.
I was dozing on the couch a couple of hours later when she finally made it home.
She walked in, quietly closing the front door; she refused to look at me. I tried to
take the dish from her to put in the kitchen, but she brushed past me without a
word. Feeling helpless and ashamed, I followed her around the apartment,
waiting for her to acknowledge me so I could apologize to her. Finally, as she
walked into the bedroom and started getting ready for bed, I couldn't take the
uneasiness anymore.
"Kate, I'm so sorry," I began, but she put her hand up to stop me.
"Just don't, Edward. I don't want to hear it right now," she said, her voice laced
with quiet anger. I hung my head in resignation, I had fucked up badly. She
stood there glaring at me.
"Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to show up without you? To have
no idea where you were? You promised me you would be there. I reminded you
days before! Fuck, Edward, I reminded you this morning!" she hissed at me
through clenched teeth. Kate never cussed.
"I know you did. I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, this was the day from
hell and...," I tried to give her some explanation though I knew it was nothing
more than an excuse, but she cut me off, again.
"No, I don't want the excuses, Edward. Do you know why this was so important
to me?" She looked at me accusingly. "I was up for a fucking research grant.
They announced the recipients tonight. I've got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
to design and direct my own research project and you weren't even there for
me." She took a deep breath, obviously trying to reign in her emotions. "It really
doesn't matter why; the fact is you weren't. This was important to me. I told you
over and over that tonight was important, and you missed it."
She just shook her head wearily, turning away from me and crawling into bed. I
wanted to climb in with her and pull her to me, but she obviously wasn't
interested in my presence right now. Just before she flicked off the light, she
looked at me with sad, tired eyes and quietly said, "The worst part is, I know that
if I were her, you would have moved heaven and earth to make sure you were
there."
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hours later, I was still awake, thinking over the last thing Kate had said. I wasn't
sure what hurt more, that she still felt that way despite my efforts over the last
year, or the possibility that she was right. I had failed her monumentally tonight,
and I didn't know if I would ever be able to make it up to her. At this point, I
wasn't sure she wanted me to.
The rising sun had begun to illuminate the curtains and I was still stuck in my
head, trying to divine a solution from my jumbled, warring thoughts and
emotions. Realizing that I wasn't going to get any sleep, I got up to make coffee,
my pathetic attempt at a peace offering. It was Saturday, so at least I didn't have
to worry about work. Maybe Kate and I would be able to talk today and try to
work through this. I hoped she still wanted to work through it, at least.
Kate blearily stumbled into the kitchen soon afterward and we awkwardly moved
around each other, hesitant and unsure. Neither of us said anything, she looked
as tired as I felt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. When she accidentally
brushed against me while reaching for a cup, I put my arms around her waste
and hugged her tightly. She stiffened slightly before sagging into me, resting her
head under my chin.
"I love you," I whispered, hoping that she would know I meant it.
"I know, I love you, too." She hugged me tightly before releasing me. "I'm going
to get dressed."
I watched her walk back towards the bedroom, wishing I knew what to do. The
ringing of my cellphone brought me back from my thoughts. Walking over to
where it sat on the counter, I glanced down and saw my mom's cell phone
number. "Hey mom, how's it going?" I asked, trying not to sound as lost as I felt.
I heard her sniffling before she answered, the sound made my heart clench.
"Mom? What's wrong?"
"I just got a call from Alice. She said she's been trying to reach you for the last
hour," she sobbed quietly, unable to continue for minute. It was the longest
minute of my life. All I could think of was Bella. What if something happened to
Bella. "It's Charlie. He...he died this morning. A heart attack."
"Oh, god, Mom. Bella must be a mess." My mind already starting to work out how
I was going to get to her.
"Alice said she won't speak to anyone. Your father and I have a flight out
tomorrow, I'm sure she's going to need help," she said, before she started crying
quietly again.
I hung up with my mother, promising to call her when I had my flight
information. It only took me a minute to book the flight, I could be out of here in
a couple of hours, but I needed to hurry. Kate came in just as I was closing the
computer, and I looked up at her trying not to cry.
"What is it? What happened?" she asked with concern and bit of trepidation.
"Bella's dad died this morning. I have to get to her, my mom said that Alice told
her she's not handling it well." I walked quickly to the bedroom, leaving Kate in
the living room. I kept talking to her across the apartment, "I'm really sorry,
Kate, I know this is a bad time. I want us to talk. We'll work it out, I promise."
I was throwing clothes into my suitcase, tearing around the room like a mad
man, not even paying any attention to what went in. All I could think about was
that Bella was alone in Forks, and she needed me.
Kate walked into the room and stood off to the side, watching me quietly. I barely
spared her a glance before I went back to packing. "My flight leaves in two hours,
I'm not checking any luggage so I should make it through security fine if I leave
in the next ten minutes. Can you give me a ride or should I just park my car?"
She didn't respond, so I paused to look up at her. "Katie, did you hear me?"
"Yes, I heard you," she said lowly. "Um, you should park your car, it will be easier
when you get back."
I looked at her questioningly. She always picked me up from the airport when I
got home, she said she couldn't wait any longer to see me.
"Katie-cat?" She flinched. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What's going on?"
"First, just let me say, I'm not angry anymore. I might be later, but I'm not right
now." She had my undivided attention now. She went on, "Did it occur to you at
any point that I might want to go so that I could be there for you and your
family?"
"What...oh, well," I floundered. It hadn't occurred to me at all. My only thought
was of Bella. I sighed, "I haven't even really thought about anything beyond how
B must be doing. He was all the family she had."
She walked across the room to me and cupped my cheek in her hand, I could see
the tears in her eyes. "Edward, I want you to know that I truly, truly loved you
and I believe that you loved me the best you could. I know how hard you tried for
me and for us. But, I can't keep living in her shadow. Four years is long enough."
I felt the world grind to a halt at her words. No. She couldn't leave me. We could
get through this, I knew we could. "Kate, please, please don't. I'm sorry I wasn't
thinking. If you want to come, I'll buy your ticket right now," I was begging her,
but I didn't care. I couldn't watch another woman I love walk away from me.
"I knew before we even started dating, I saw the way you two looked at each
other. But, I wanted so badly to believe that you could be mine, Edward. I loved
you even then. At first I thought that if I just tried hard enough, I would be
enough. After awhile, I thought maybe I could ignore the fact that I couldn't have
all of you. I hoped that your parents moving here would change things and I
know how hard you tried after you left Forks last year. But, Edward, you aren't
mine. You never really were." By now tears were flowing freely down her cheeks,
and my heart was aching watching my beautiful, strong Kate broken because of
me.
"Kate...," I wanted to beg her to stay, to argue that she was wrong, that I was
desperately in love with her, that she was it for me and she had all of me. I
wanted to promise to marry her. But I couldn't because everything she's said was
true and I was the most selfish bastard in the world. "I'm so sorry. I never meant
to hurt you."
She nodded once, acknowledging that she heard me. "I'll have my stuff out by
the end of the week." Her voice cracked, but she continued. "We'll figure
everything else out later. If you come back to Chicago alone, we can talk more.
Honestly, though, you should do what makes you happy. You deserve to be
happy. We both do, Edward."
I was still standing there, dumbstruck, my heart aching, when she kissed my
cheek and turned to leave the room. The sound of the front door closing barely
registered as I resumed packing. I'd have to wait until later to really process what
just happened, but right now Bella needed me, and I wasn't going to leave her to
deal with everything on her own.
Chapter 11: Looking Back
Hours after I'd left Chicago, I had finally arrived in Forks and was waiting on the
front porch of Bella's house. Jasper opened the door with a subdued smile, "It's
good to see you, man. She's in the kitchen with the girls." He looked out towards
the car, but I was grateful he didn't comment on Kate's absence.
The sound of the television seemed to echo through the house, obviously left on
to help disrupt the deafening silence. The eerie quiet belied the presence of six
people, four of whom I had never heard speak at less than full volume or move at
less than full throttle. Jasper walked in with me, but sat on the couch to stare at
the TV screen with Emmett.
I turned the corner into the kitchen, and saw B sitting at the table with Alice and
Rose next to her. She was staring down at the shredded remnants of a tissue on
the table, twisting it in her fingers. She didn't even look up as I entered the
room. Glancing over at Alice and Rose, I raised my eyebrow in question. Alice
stood and walked over to me, pulling me into the living room, out of earshot of B.
She put her arms around me, hugging me tightly before quickly pulling away.
Her voice was a rough whisper. "Thank god you're here now. She's been like that
since we left the hospital this morning. She refuses to eat or drink anything, she
won't speak to anyone, she just sits there. She hasn't even cried since they first
told her he was gone." Alice took in a stuttering breath, trying to keep herself
together. "It scared the fuck out of all of us, Edward. She was sobbing and
wailing in the middle of the awful little waiting room they took us to, one of the
nurses pulled the door shut to give us privacy. She must have realized how loud
she was and she just stopped, like a switch flicked. She hasn't made a sound
since."
The hollow ache in my chest began to gnaw its way lower into my stomach. Just
trying to imagine the depth of Bella's pain and loss was almost crippling; I
couldn't even begin to fathom what she was actually going through. I began to
think of ways to make her more comfortable, the only thing I could think of was
how much she hated attention focused on her, even if it was just from friends.
That seemed like it might be a good place to start.
"Alice, I'm going to take B upstairs. Have you guys eaten yet?" I hoped she didn't
mind me taking over, but really I couldn't care less. I was going to do whatever
Bella needed.
"No, I can order something if you want," she offered quietly, not arguing with me
at all.
"Yeah, that sounds good. Whatever you guys want, is fine with me."
I moved to walk back to the kitchen, feeling so confused about what the hell to
do for Bella. Kneeling in front of her, I gently put my hand over hers, halting her
continued paper ripping. There was no point in meaningless greetings, we both
knew why I was here, and we both knew there wasn't shit I could do to truly
help.
"B, do you want to go upstairs?" I asked gently. Her eyes finally lifted from the
table to meet mine, looking mildly surprised to see me. The anguish shimmering
in her unshed tears caused the ache in my heart to burn brighter, deeper. She
nodded her head almost imperceptibly.
Rose followed us up the stairs so she could help Bella change, while I waited out
in the hallway. A few minutes later, Rose came out of the room and wrapped her
arms around me lightly, whispering, "Thank you for getting here so quickly. She
needs you." I nodded against her shoulder, letting her know I heard her, though I
wasn't sure how much I could really do- I was as clueless as the rest of them. My
parents were going to be here tomorrow, and I would be relieved when my mom
could take charge.
Silently closing the door behind me, I stopped to take in the room. The late
afternoon sun filtered in through the curtains, the room was still and somber.
Bella's grief permeating the air around us. Everything looked almost exactly like it
had all through high school, pieces of her life scattered around the room, most of
them shared memories. Though once they felt familiar and comforting, they now
seemed taunting reminders of her loss. She was curled up tightly into herself
under the covers of the bed. Sitting in front of her, I began to stroke her hair
back from her face, watching helplessly as tears coursed unrestrained across her
cheeks and nose, soaking into her pillow.
Her voice cut through the stillness of the room like the crackling of ice in the
silence of winter. "Lay with me, Edward," she whispered brokenly. "Please."
Without hesitation, I slipped off my shoes and climbed under the covers with her.
I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tightly towards me, as she buried her
face in my chest. Her tears continued to soak into my shirt, but thankfully soon,
her breathing became deep and even as she fell into a fitful sleep.
Sometime later, the room submersed in darkness, I was startled awake by the
sobs wracking Bella's body. She was clinging to me, my arms already tightened
around her in reflexive protectiveness. "Bella? Is there anything I can do?" I felt
completely useless and ineffective, of course there was nothing I could do. She
spoke in stuttering breaths, "Just...just, hold...me...please. Don't...let go."
Her begging broke me. "Never, B. Never."
WWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The gray light of morning found Bella and I still clinging to each other as I
listened to the rest of the house begin to stir. As much as I didn't want to leave
the bed, we couldn't stay here all day. My parents weren't going to be here until
the afternoon, but there were probably things that we needed to take care of
before then.
After convincing her to shower, and then having one myself, we walked
downstairs together. Alice and Jasper had spent the night and had breakfast
waiting for us. Luckily Alice had already been in contact with my mom and was
prepared with a list of things we needed to do. Charlie had most of the service
pre-planned with just a few small details left to Bella's discretion. The funeral was
scheduled for the next day, which didn't leave us much time.
The day passed in a fog of shared grief. Bella hadn't let me leave her side the
whole day and I was more than willing to comfort her. For the first time in what
felt like forever, I was comfortable in my own skin. This was what I knew, taking
care of Bella was second nature; it was a relief to not have to think about who I
was for a little while, even if the circumstances were grim. I dreaded the thought
of going back to Chicago in a few days, both because of the mess I'd left behind
there and also because of leaving Bella here. My mom had said she would stay
here as long as Bella needed, and that made me feel a bit better.
My parents arrived late in the afternoon. Mom took one look at B and puller her
upstairs to her room so Bella could rest, leaving me in the living room with
everyone else. Without Bella by my side to act as a buffer and focus my
attention, I felt awkward and fidgety. The specter of Kate's absence hung over
me, but no one broached the subject, though it was obvious that everyone was
wondering.
Almost an hour later, my mother came down the stairs alone, shaking her head
when she saw me stand to go upstairs.
"She's asleep, leave her be," she instructed, before asking the question everyone
wanted answered. "Why isn't Kate here?"
I took a deep breath before responding, hoping we could keep this short and to
the point. I really wasn't interested in recounting all the ways I had failed Kate.
"We broke up. It wasn't working, and we wanted different things."
No one looked surprised or upset, for some reason that pissed me off a little. So
what, they all just expected that I was such a fuck-up she'd eventually leave my
ass?
"It's about damned time!" Alice said loudly. That was followed by a couple of
murmured assents. My jaw tightened and my eyes narrowed, I was more than a
little pissed now.
"What the hell? You guys were waiting for her to break up with me? Thanks for
the vote of fucking confidence!" I stood up, ready to leave the room. My mother
put her hand on my arm to stop me.
"Calm down, Edward. I think what Alice meant," she said, raising her eyebrow at
Alice in reproach, "was that it's obvious how unhappy you've been the last
several months, and that your relationship with Kate seemed to be a large part of
that. I'm sorry that things didn't work out; I liked Kate, but I just want you to be
happy."
She leaned over to give me a hug, drawing the attention off of me to discuss the
funeral the next day. I walked outside to call Charlotte. I had already called her,
while I drove to Forks from the airport, and filled her in on both Charlie's death
and my break-up with Kate. But, I hadn't talked to her since then, and there was
so much shit going through my head, I needed to try to make sense of it. She
picked up the phone right away.
"Hey, Edward. How's it going?"
"Hey Char. It's um, well, it fucking sucks, actually. Bella's a mess, the funeral is
tomorrow and I just got the third degree about my break-up with Kate." I
grumbled, avoiding the things that I most needed to talk about. Charlotte was too
experienced with my bullshit though and called me on it.
"So, how are you handling being around Bella?" she asked succinctly.
"She's just so sad, Char and it's breaking my heart. She's leaning on me because
I'm her best friend and she's fucking grief stricken. I keep having to remind
myself that it's not real, you know?" I was being as honest as possible; I knew by
now there was no use in lying to her because she'd see right through it- which is
one of the reasons we were such good friends.
"I can only imagine, that must be hard to watch her in so much pain. But, what
do you mean that it's not real?" She sounded confused.
"Things like when she asked me to stay with her last night, and then she hadn't
left my side all day until about twenty minutes ago when my mom made her go
rest. I'm the only one that's been able to get through to her, to get her to eat or
talk." I paused to think through what I wanted to say next. "It feels so fucking
real. She needs me, and is taking comfort in the fact that she knows that I'd do
anything for her. But, I know that it's her sudden aloneness that's making her
need me like this, it's not her. I'm so fucking raw right now and she's always
been this balm to me." I stopped again, trying to keep my emotions in check.
"None of it's real, right? It's her grief that makes her need me so much, and it's
my break-up with Kate that makes me so ready to let her to lean on me however
she wants. Does that make sense?" I could almost hear her turning over the
information in her head, and waited for her to respond.
"I know what you're saying Edward, and I think you're right to be cautious. Just
don't be too cautious, okay? You guys have been friends forever, it's okay to
need each other- even if it's more than you need other people."
"I just know that I've misread her in the past, and felt there was something there
that wasn't. I don't know, I just feel really exposed and fucked up right now. It's
not the best place to be to both help B and protect myself."
"It'll all work out, Edward. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I'm really sorry about Charlie. He was a good guy, everyone loved him," she said
with a sad sigh.
"Yeah...yeah he was." Our conversation continued for a few minutes before we
hung up. I was feeling a little more grounded. Even if I didn't have any more of a
fucking clue how to handle things, at least I had kind of clarified why I was
feeling so off kilter.
WWWWWWWWWWW
After another night spent with Bella in my arms, sleeping fitfully, and crying
intermittently, the morning of the funeral dawned gray and dreary. The service
was mid-morning and the church was packed, standing-room only. Charlie was a
huge part of the town and had friends from all over; everyone wanted to come to
pay their last respects. Bella handled the crowd and attention well, but by the end
she was ready to crawl out of her skin. Charlie had obviously known exactly what
B needed: he had requested the burial be closed casket and only close friends
present. Even if he had a hard time showing it when he was alive, there was no
doubt in my mind that he loved Bella.
We left the graveside after everyone else, and drove back to Bella's now-empty
house. After changing into more comfortable clothes, I made us each plates of
food from the dishes that had been dropped off earlier by neighbors. Bella pulled
out a couple of photo albums and we flipped through them as we ate.
It's funny how when you're a kid, the adults seem like part of the furniture, they
serve a purpose, but mostly they're just there. You no more expect them to
suddenly disappear than you would expect to walk into your house and find the
couch gone. As an adult you can see just how much they gave and taught, how
much they supported. How much they loved.
Bella paused her perusal of the album, running her fingers over a picture of her
at ten, holding up a huge bass, standing on Charlie's boat. He was standing
beside her, looking down on her with this look of sheer pride and adoration. I
think I was the one taking the picture.
I watched as her tears began dotting the surface of the album page, the light
drizzle turning to down pour as her sorrow overtook her. She didn't move to let
me hold her though, just kept tracing her finger over the frozen images.
"All I ever wanted was for him to say 'I love you, Bella'. Just those words. He told
me he was proud of me all the time, he constantly told me I was a good
daughter. But he never said the only words I ever wanted to hear." She choked
back a sob and took a deep breath to continue. "And now he'll never know that I
finally hear it, I finally hear what he spent his life trying to tell me in everything
he did. It's a fish and he looks like I just lassoed the moon. God, Edward, he
loved me. He loved me so fucking much. And I loved him, and now he's gone,
and I'm all alone, and can't ever tell him."
That's when Bella finally broke down. Her body practically vibrating as her grief
and pain radiated through her. Her choking sobs emptying her lungs of air before
gasping them full again to start over in long wailing echos of pain and loss. This
time when I moved to hold her, she let me.
I don't really remember the day of the picture, though, and I don't think B did
either. I'm sure we both would have tried harder to keep it closer in our hearts if
we had known that years later, it would be looking at the frozen image of that
moment that Bella realized Charlie loved her. And it was too late to tell him.
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Bella slept almost peacefully that night, worn out from the emotionally taxing day
and her breakdown. I think too that she had finally found a bit of closure in
realizing that Charlie loved her. I was relieved she was doing a bit better,
because I knew I had to go back to Chicago soon. I only had six days scheduled,
and it was already day four, but I'd been avoiding thinking about it. I didn't want
to think about the empty apartment I was coming back to, or the grief-stricken
girl I was leaving here. And I absolutely didn't want to think about the broken-
hearted girl that I'd failed in Chicago.
Everyone had pretty much left Bella and I to our own devices since the funeral,
occasionally calling to check in, but for the most part we'd been alone for the last
twenty four hours. We spent some of the time talking and remembering,
sometimes we watched movies, mostly, though, we just sat quietly. I made sure
that Bella was eating, and that she slept when her emotions got to be too much
for her. We were sitting around late in the afternoon the day after the funeral,
when I realized Bella had stopped watching TV and was looking at me curiously.
"Edward? Where's Kate?" The question caught me completely off guard. Since the
brief inquisition a couple of days ago, no one had mentioned her. I had allowed
myself to focus solely on Bella, and push the whole situation from my mind. To
have her brought to the open so quickly made my breath hitch in guilt, ache, and
confusion. I cleared my throat and tried to sound nonchalant.
"She's back in Chicago," I hedged, hoping that she would drop the subject. But,
she just raised her eyebrow, requesting for me to continue speaking. I sighed
sadly, pulling my hand through my hair, "She broke up with me just before I
came here. I assume she's getting her stuff from the apartment now."
Bella looked up at me with an unreadable expression on her face. "What
happened?" she pushed quietly. I really didn't want to talk about this, but before
I could stop myself, the words came tumbling out.
"We just didn't work anymore. She wanted more than I could give her. She was
pushing me to marry her, and I couldn't. It wasn't fair to either of us to keep at a
relationship that wasn't what either of us wanted." I didn't look at Bella for fear
that she would see the truth on my face, the truth that had almost wrecked our
friendship so many times before; I couldn't give Kate what she needed because
my heart already belonged to Bella. It always had.
Bella started to say something, but then changed her mind, only whispering "I'm
sorry." I wasn't sure exactly what she was sorry for, but I didn't question her.
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Before either of us was really ready, it was the day I had to go back to Chicago.
The previous day had been comfortable and relaxing, with an easiness between
Bella and I that I hadn't really experienced in a long time. Our friends and my
parents had come by to keep Bella company, and my mom had started helping
Bella figure out all the things that needed to be done to take care of Charlie's
estate. There really wasn't much left for me to do here and I had to get back to
work.
I had told everyone else goodbye and was on the porch with B, swinging back
and forth on the porch swing, killing time and putting off my departure. She had
been exceptionally quiet, and I was worried that the stress of me leaving was
going to cause her to break down again. Finally, she looked up at me, her eyes
anxious.
"I need to tell you something Edward," she swallowed loudly, visibly
uncomfortable and nervous. Her distress caused my back to stiffen, my whole
body tensed in response, preparing for whatever was to come.
"It's been a long time coming, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she
whispered. "I wanted to, but I just...couldn't. The time never seemed right, and
everything was so fucked up for so long..." she trailed off cryptically. She was
silently pleading me to understand, but I had no idea what she was trying to tell
me.
Taking a deep breath, she seemed to find her resolve to continue. "I know now, I
can see, there's never a perfect time and if you wait, there might not be any time
left, imperfect or otherwise." Leveling her eyes with mine and putting her hand
up to my cheek, she spoke earnestly, ardently, "I love you, Edward. I've always
loved you. I know that now."
I stared at her in shock, she was finally saying the words I had always wanted to
hear, and my heart desperately wanted to believe her. But, my head, my fucking
head, refused. Words that should have felt warm and soothing on my bruised
soul, instead felt like a kick to my gut. They hurt and stole my breath. She was
lost and scared, she was alone and grieving; she loved me, sure- but she wasn't
in love with me.
"Bella, I...I.." I stumbled, those three little words on the tip of my tongue, but the
one time I desperately wanted them, the one time she requested their presence,
they refused to come. She was looking at me, the hurt I was causing her evident.
I wanted so badly to say it back to her and ease her pain. But it wasn't fair to her
or me; she was going to realize some time later that her admission wasn't true,
and I was going to allow myself to get caught up in a fairy tale. If I didn't make
myself do the right thing now, we both would end up in a lot worse pain, later.
I thought about my conversation with Charlotte, remembering my fears. Sighing
in frustration at myself and the situation, I tried to explain to her. "You've spent
years telling me that you could never love me, and now that you're alone and
scared, suddenly you do? You may have realized that you love me like a best
friend or a brother, but it isn't more than that."
I could tell she wanted to argue with me, but I knew our time was running out, so
I continued speaking. "Bella, I can't do this now, I just...I don't have it in me.
There's a fucking mess waiting for me back in Chicago, and you're still reeling
from everything. I'm sorry. I really am."
I glanced down at my watch, noticing that I was going to miss my plane if I didn't
leave now. I stood to leave; Bella jumped up and threw her arms around me,
"Please, don't leave me, Edward. Please. I love you!" I desperately wanted to
wrap my arms around her and hold her to me, but I remained impassive. "It's not
too late, I know it's not. I need you. Please," she said desperately, pleading me
through more tears.
I couldn't stay any longer, both time-wise and for my heart's sake. "I have to go,
B. I'm sorry," I whispered to her, untangling my body from her arms. "You're my
best friend and I'm there for you, always. Call me if you need me. My mom's
staying as long as you need her," I said, making my way towards the rental car.
With every step I took away from her, I felt like once again my world was
collapsing. I was so fucking sick of everything falling to pieces when we parted.
As I drove away, the last thing I saw in the rear view mirror was Bella standing
on the porch of her house, alone, shoulders slumped and shaking. It took
everything I had not to turn around and go back.
Chapter 12: Going Forward
Coming back to an empty apartment was a visceral reminder of the mess I'd left
behind when I dropped everything to take care of Bella. I didn't regret going, not
in the least, and I couldn't help but feel like the events of that day were just a
catalyst for the inevitable. Kate and I never would have lasted. That didn't stop
the fall-out from hurting, but not in the way that I expected.
Moving on with my life without Kate was appallingly easy; a fact that did nothing
for the overwhelming guilt I felt at how things had ended between us. I felt her
absence, but not as acutely as I should have. She had been true to her word and
when I returned to the apartment it was cleaned out of her things. I had
expected to come across a random CD or hair tie, something to prove that we
had existed together in the space for three years, but there was nothing. It was
as if she had never been there, and my life went on as if she had never existed. I
went to work and came home; I watched TV and cooked dinner. There was no
space in my routine that felt empty and unbearable without her. That only made
me feel worse.
Kate and I spoke once, the week after I got back from Forks, to sort out the
details of our break-up. She may not have been angry when she left that
morning, but now she was pissed. And I couldn't blame her at all, she had gotten
screwed over. Sitting at our table at our usual coffee shop, the conversation was
tense. She had detailed the things she took from the apartment and I let her,
though in all honesty, she could have emptied it and I wouldn't have cared. She
could have whatever she wanted, whatever she felt she deserved, anything to
make her not hate me and to ease my guilt. Finally we were wrapping up, and
she seemed anxious to leave.
"Here's a check to cover the cost of the plane tickets to visit my parents, since
you paid for those. I took out the change fee they charged to transfer your
ticket," she said stiffly, her whole body radiating anger and unease.
"I don't want your money, Kate. Keep it," I replied softly, trying to be amenable.
Her face went taut as her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed. In a venomous
tone I'd never heard from her before she whispered, "And I don't want your
fucking charity, Edward."
She started gathering her things, a clear indication she was done with this
conversation, with me. As she stood to leave, she told me to let her know the
portion of the bills for the month so she could mail me the money for those. I
nodded, even though I knew I would never contact her for the money.
"Kate, I really am...," I tried to apologize one more time, but she just put her
hand up to stop me and walked out of the shop without another word.
Not thinking about what had happened with Bella was harder. Leaving her crying
and alone on her porch had been one of the most painful things I'd ever done.
The whole trip back to Chicago I felt pulled to go back to her, to fix the hurt I'd
caused her. But it would only have made things worse in the long term, I was
positive of that. I still loved Bella. Of course, I still loved her- I'd spent my whole
life loving her, and I now knew that wasn't ever going to stop. The difference was
that I also now knew that love wasn't nearly enough.
I was plagued by Bella's confession, and the stomach twisting doubt and regret
that I felt. Possibilities and suspicions constantly ran through my head in a loop: I
should have stayed and made her understand why she couldn't do this to me, to
us. I should have stayed and thrown caution to the wind, grabbed at my chance
for true happiness, even knowing it was fleeting and ephemeral. I should have
done exactly what I did. But none of the scenarios soothed the ache in my chest
or erased the memory of Bella clinging to me, begging me not to leave her.
Even though it hurt, I kept my promise to B to be there for her whenever she
needed. When she called me at 2am one night a couple of weeks after the
funeral, I stayed up with her for hours without hesitation. Until she wanted to
discuss what happened when I left Forks, that was the point I had to end the
conversation.
"Thank you for sitting up with me, Edward. I couldn't wake your mom up again,
she's done so much for me already, I feel like I'm depending on her too much,"
she said, punctuating the last words with a loud, deep yawn.
"I'm your best friend, I'm here anytime you need no matter what. If you ever
need me, you just have to ask," I tried to reassure her. The last thing I wanted
was for her to feel guilty because she kept me from sleeping fitfully in my empty
bed, alone.
"I know, I just wasn't sure how weird things were going to be, you know? Talking
during the day seems normal friendly, but hours at night feels...well, like more,"
she said quietly. "And we haven't talked about the day you left, so I didn't know if
this was overstepping anything."
My heart stopped at her words. It was one thing to agonize over it in my head,
but I couldn't talk to her about it. It was too much. I would cave if I had to try to
deny her again.
"I have to go, Bella. It sounds like you're feeling better, and you sound
exhausted," I reasoned. "I meant when I said you can call me anytime, even in
the middle of the night. I'm always here for you."
"Oh, okay. Thank you again, Edward," she replied sadly. "Good night," and then
in a much quieter voice I heard "I love you."
My jaw clenched to hold back my own declaration, only allowing myself to wish
her a good night before I quickly pressed the End button on my phone.
Several weeks went by, I talked to Bella almost daily and avoided all talk of what
happened. I moved on with my life in Chicago without Kate. And I drifted,
aimlessly, restlessly. I felt like I'd lost my anchor to the world, I was present, but
not really here. Somehow my apartment began to feel smaller without someone
to share it with, the emptiness closing in on me. I realized how much I had
avoided really building a life here. I had my job and my parents, but nothing else.
It seemed like almost everything I cared about, everything important was back in
Washington.
It was a constant struggle to keep from going to Bella. I would find myself pricing
plane tickets and daydreaming of what it would be like to live there again, so
close to her. I knew though, the reality was that giving in to what every cell in
my body begged for would ruin both of us. So, I forced myself to stay here, in the
wrong life, pretending I could live without her.
It was in that frame of mind I found myself wandering around the apartment, one
Saturday about a month and a half after I had returned from Forks. A knock at
the door interrupted my thoughts and I walked to the door, confused at who it
could be. Swinging the door open, I was met with the very last person I expected
to see- Bella.
"Not that I'm not excited to see you, but what are you doing here, B?" I asked in
surprise as she threw her arms around my neck and I wrapped my arm gently
around her waist in a chaste, friendly hug.
"I'm here to see you, of course. I missed you," she grinned at me cheekily.
Shutting the door, we made our way into the apartment. Bella looked around, I'm
sure taking in the changes that had occurred since Kate left. After offering to get
her something to eat or drink, we sat on the couch, talking about nothing.
Something odd suddenly occurred to me.
"Where are your bags?" I asked her curiously. Bella wasn't horribly high-
maintenance, but she usually brought at least one big suitcase and a small carry
on when she visited. She got nervous, refusing to meet my eyes.
"They're at the, um, hotel," she replied, looking at her lap.
"You know you're welcome to stay here, you didn't have to get a hotel." She had
always stayed with me. I was surprised, and a little bit hurt, that she wasn't this
time.
She seemed to be turning her response over in her head, thinking about how to
tell me what she was thinking. Finally, she seemed resolved, looking at me
directly. "I wasn't sure if you would want me to stay here, or if we were going to
need some space after I talked to you about why I'm here."
She went on quickly, "I did come because I missed you. But, I needed to talk to
you, too. And you wouldn't talk to me on the phone about it, so here I am. I
thought talking face to face might be easier, and having a hotel room would keep
things from getting too awkward." She finished, looking mildly guilty and very
nervous.
She had every reason to be nervous. I was pretty sure I knew what she wanted
to discuss, and I wasn't any more inclined to talk about it with her here than I
was over the phone. I was more than a little pissed at being ambushed, but I
tried to keep both my temper and my own nervousness in check. "Okay, we're
both here now, so talk, Bella."
She sighed, nodding her head once, acknowledging that I was forcing her to carry
this conversation. "Fine. I came to find out why you were avoiding me, and
wouldn't talk about the day you left Forks. I told you I loved you and asked you
to stay. You barely acknowledged what I was saying before you ran."
I pressed my lips together, biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself from
retorting that I wasn't the first one to run away. If there was any hope of us
getting through this, I had to remain civil. "What did you want me to do, Bella?
My flight was leaving and I had to get to the airport or I was going to miss it. My
job expected me back, and I had no idea what I was going to find when I came
back to Chicago." I spoke in a harsher voice than I intended, frustrated that she
really didn't see everything I had put on hold to be there with her, everything I
had lost.
Unable to contain my agitation, I stood up and walked across the room, my whole
body tense. I looked at her, roughly combing my fingers through my hair, waiting
for her to respond.
"I don't know what exactly I expected to happen. I just, I thought you would
understand how important what I was telling you was. I've never said that to
anyone, Edward. No one." Her voice dropped to a whisper as she said, "Not even
Charlie."
I looked at her incredulously, my anger finally erupting. My tone was biting as I
spoke through my clenched jaw. "I've spent years telling you that I love you, and
it's never meant anything to you!" I pointed my finger towards her accusingly,
emphasizing every word. "You walked out and broke me every fucking time. You
rejected me until I finally believed you and tried to move on."
"I know I've hurt you, and I'm so sorry, Edward. I can't even begin to tell you
how much I wish I had realized my feelings earlier. I didn't know it was love, but
I swear it's always been there. I would give anything to go back and tell you the
first time," she said, crying. I hated to see her crying, but in this moment I hated
more that her tears were weakening me.
"This is why I didn't want to talk about this! I don't want to hurt you. But,
dammit, Bella, I don't want to get hurt either. And no matter what I do, one of us
is going to!" By this point I was pacing while she sat on the couch, looking at me
pleadingly.
"What can I do, please just tell me what to do! I need you with me, I love you, I
swear I do. Tell me how to make you believe me!"
"You had your chance, Bella!" I yelled, not even trying to stay quiet any longer. "I
begged you to ask me to stay that day at the airport, I begged you to love me
back, and you let me go. You walked out just like you always do. And now you
want me to believe that this time is different for you. That despite all evidence to
the contrary, you've loved me for years. Bullshit, Bella. I'm calling bullshit."
I stormed out of the living room, into the kitchen, needing to get away from her
before I said something I would regret. My eyes searched for something,
anything, to occupy my hands and distract me. After slamming through the
cabinet to find a glass, I filled it with water, and I took long, forceful drinks,
trying to force myself to calm down. Bella followed me into the kitchen and stood
in the doorway, undaunted by my outburst.
She spoke forcefully, "I wanted to tell you! I was going to after we almost kissed
that day, but you fucking told me you were in love with Kate! I wanted to tell
you, I tried to tell you and you stopped me! At the airport, I was doing what I
thought was necessary. You said you loved Kate and I knew you were living your
dream here. I wasn't lying when I said your life is here, Edward. You belong here,
everything you've ever wanted is here. I would never, never stand in the way of
that!"
She was almost breathless by the time she finished from speaking so
vehemently. In a softer voice she continued. "I didn't walk away, Edward. Not
that time. That time I let you go."
"You were wrong though, Bella. I didn't have everything here." I was trying not to
sound bitter, because in the end, it just didn't matter. I wasn't willing to go
through that pain again when there was no indication that she wasn't just lonely
and scared, trying to rewrite history to convince herself there were feelings that
don't really exist for her. My anger died as resignation took over. My next words
were spoken much more softly, but just as firmly.
"Bella, I just can't- we can't. This isn't real. At some point you'll stop feeling so
scared and empty over Charlie's death, and then you'll leave me again. I won't
put either of us through that." She grimaced slightly when I mentioned her
father, making me feel like an even bigger asshole. "I'm sorry, B. I really am."
She looked miserable, so sad and alone. It only reaffirmed my belief that she was
trying to fill the hole that Charlie's death had left. "Just say it, please," she asked
quietly. "Say that you aren't in love with me anymore and I'll go to the hotel for
the night. We'll hang out tomorrow as friends. Then, I'll go back to Seattle and I'll
never say anything about it again. We'll stay best friends no matter what. But I
won't believe it until you say it."
I hesitated, my head and heart warring. My head was winning.
Moving her hands to grasp my face, tilting it down so that our lips were only
inches away, our noses almost touching and her eyes boring into mine. "Say it,"
she commanded.
I was fully prepared to lie to her, to protect both of us from the inevitable
heartache. I opened my mouth slightly, my lips readied to form the blasphemous
words. I took one last look at her, trying to memorize the way she looked before
this final nail went into the coffin of 'what could have been'.
And then everything stopped.
The entire world stood still.
If asked, I would swear to god that time itself paused as I looked at her, taking in
her expression.
Staring back at me was that look. That confounding, confusing, inscrutable
expression that I had never been able to understand, but that never failed to
make my heart ache and my stomach flip. The look that had always preceded her
running away and breaking my heart. Except that, this time, she wasn't running.
This time she was holding herself to me and begging me to understand. This time
she was begging me not to run away. And suddenly, the pieces fell into place and
I knew. I knew without a doubt what that look was. Love. She loved me.
I could only imagine the look of wide-eyed, slack jawed shock on my face. "Holy
fuck," was my ineloquently whispered response. "You mean it."
The grin that overtook her mouth lit her face up and altered the course of the
tears trailing down her cheeks. She was nodding her head and laughing and
whispering, "Yes, Edward, I love you." I held her to me, my arms wrapped
around her body, crushing her into my chest as we stood there smiling and
laughing in disbelief. She pulled back and our eyes locked. I couldn't believe I'd
missed it all this time, because right there reflected back at me was the same
soul-deep love I had for her.
Without any hesitation or fear or doubt, I whispered the words that had always
been true and would always be true, "God, I love you."
She laughed, tip-toeing herself up to push her lips against mine, "And I really and
truly, love you, too."
When we were twelve, B and I were laying side by side out in the grass in my
backyard, watching the clouds. Our dads sat on the porch talking, not realizing
we could hear them. We laid still, trying not to give away our eavesdropping.
"You know how this ends, right, Charlie?" my dad chuckled.
"Yep, it seems pretty inevitable," Charlie didn't sound nearly as amused, but not
unhappy.
A few moments went by before my dad said, "I wonder how long before they
figure it out."
"I don't know, but if I know my girl, she's not going to make it easy on him."
Charlie was chuckling now.
My dad laughed with him. "I'm pretty sure that won't stop him. Have you seen
the way he looks at her?"
"It's not like she's any better, she just waits until she thinks no one is looking." I
could hear Charlie trying to hide his smile at the next words. "Well, whenever
they do figure it out, it's going to be good. I just hope they don't kill each other
first." They were both still laughing when they stood to go inside.
Bella and I continued to lay there in silence for a few minutes before I spoke.
"Do you have any idea what they were talking about, B?"
"Not a clue, Edward. Not a clue."
Epilogue
"B, we have to go! We're going to be late as it is!" I yelled up the stairs at her,
exasperated that I'd been in this stupid tie for an hour waiting on her.
"I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your damned pants on!" she laughed as she
walked down, I saw her eyebrow raise and she smirked when she saw me. After
two years together, I knew that look well, Bella was contemplating things we
could do instead of going to dinner. "Actually, maybe you could take them off..."
she said seductively, wrapping her arms around my neck, kissing along my jaw.
The sight of Bella in the short, black dress hugging her ass and highlighting her
gorgeous tits almost made me agree. Of course, then my cell phone rang. "Hello,
Charlotte, we're on our way now," I answered by way of greeting her.
"Sure you are, Edward. Tell me that you and B weren't getting ready to ditch us?"
she laughed at me, knowing she was right. I rolled my eyes.
"Well, now we really are leaving," I told her, unable to hide my grin. "Give us
twenty minutes." We said our goodbyes and I closed the phone, putting it back
into my pocket and wrapping my arm around Bella as we walked out of our
condo. Bella had moved to Chicago a few weeks after she came to see me, she
said that there was nothing left for her in Washington and she could teach
anywhere. Soon after that, we moved out of my old apartment, into the condo we
bought together. Chicago was now home to both of us, and not only because of
our shared address.
Exactly eighteen minutes later we pulled up to the restaurant and after parking,
made our way inside where we were greeted by Charlotte and Peter. "They said it
was going to be another fifteen minutes or so for our table," Peter informed us as
he and I shook hands.
Bella and Charlotte embraced briefly, laughing lightly over something Char had
whispered while B looked at me from the corner of her eye; I decided I probably
didn't want to know. They had become close after Charlotte was certain that B
was serious about our relationship. We were both excited when Peter and
Charlotte said they were going to be in town for Bella's birthday.
Ever since her first birthday here, Bella has been more than happy to let me and
our friends celebrate and spoil her. She had woken up on her birthday a few
weeks after moving here with a huge smile on her face. In all the years that I'd
known her, I'd never seen her happy about her birthday, much less carefree and
excited, like she had looked then. Stretching out in bed, her eyes met mine and
she laughed loudly at my confusion. She smiled and said, "I didn't get a birthday
card." Her joy suddenly made perfect sense and I laughed along with her. Who
knew that all it took to get Renee to leave her the hell alone was to move.
I realized the conversation had gone on without me and Peter was now teasing
Bella.
"So, Bella, the big two-five, huh? How does it feel to be a quarter century old?"
Peter asked, while she scowled playfully at him.
"I don't know Peter, how does it feel to be so much closer to thirty than I am?"
she retorted, laughing.
I put my arm around Bella's waist, pulling her into me, bending my head down to
kiss her lips. We both looked up in surprise when we heard my name being called
from behind us. We turned to see a glowing, very pregnant Kate walking towards
us with a man who had his arm around her shoulders. I hadn't seen her since the
day in the coffee shop, though I did occasionally wonder how she was doing.
"Edward! I thought that was you!" she said happily. She noticed Bella with my
arm around her and her smile widened even further, "So, I guess you guys finally
figured it out, then?"
Bella looked surprised for a second before she just laughed her agreement and I
smiled at Kate sheepishly. I was unbelievably grateful that she understood.
"Kate, how are you doing? You look great, very happy!" I didn't think I'd ever
seen Kate glow the way she was and I knew she never looked at me the way she
looked at the man beside her.
"I really am, more than I ever thought possible," she sighed contentedly, rubbing
her stomach lightly and leaning into the man's shoulder, "Oh, this is my husband
Garrett, you might remember him from my office," she said as he put his hand
out to shake mine.
We stood around talking for a few minutes until our group was called to be
seated. We all said goodbye to Kate and Garrett, making our way back to the
table. Kate and I would never be friends, but it was comforting to know that there
was no more animosity between us. We both had gotten exactly what we wanted.
Later that night, after we had dropped Charlotte and Peter back at their hotel,
Bella and I were laying in bed. My arms were wrapped around her body, her head
resting on my shoulder.
"Are you happy, Bella?" I whispered in her ear.
"More than I ever thought possible," she replied, echoing Kate's words from
earlier, her smile evident in her voice. Suddenly she turned over in my arms, her
face hovering over mine, "Now, I distinctly remember talk of you taking off your
pants earlier. What happened to that?"
Our lips met, causing the low embers of passion that always burned, hot and
ready, between us to roar to life in a blaze. Sliding into her body minutes later, I
was once again reminded that everything in the past was worth it to end up here
with her. To finally be home.
EPOV, Epilogue reviewers outtake
We were finally all moved in, there were boxes everywhere and if I never saw the
inside of a moving truck again, it would be too soon. But, we were home. I looked
over at B, laying beside me on our mattress on the floor of our bedroom, where
we had both crashed after my parents had finally left half an hour ago. Her dark
hair was splayed across the pillow as she lay prostrate across the bed, her cheeks
flushed and she wore a lazy smile. We were both sweaty and exhausted, but I
had never seen her look more beautiful than she was lying in that moment on our
bed, in our room, in our home. I smiled at her, suddenly hit with inspiration, I
knew just what I wanted to do right then. I jumped up, excited to share this with
her.
"Come on, B, I want to show you something," I said, pulling on her arms to help
he stand.
"Edward, I'm tired and gross, I want a shower and some food. Can't it wait?" She
whined while resisting my efforts to move her off the bed.
"I promise, shower and food after this. Please, it's important?" I begged her,
hoping she would just go with it.
She sighed heavily, pretending to be put out, before she grinned up at me.
"Okay, but can we at least order take out first and you can show me while we
wait?"
I agreed readily, finally pulling her up from the mattress.
The thing that sold us on this condo was the living room, it was just big enough
for my piano. I had tried to convince Bella to just keep it at my parents' house
where they had been holding it for me, but she insisted that there was nothing
else she'd rather have in the space. It had been delivered and set up before we
started moving things from the apartment, so it was all ready to go.
Bella called for the food while I navigated my way through the mess on the floor
towards the piano. I pulled the protective sheet off it, admiring the gleaming
black wood of my baby grand. B walked in a few minutes later and found me
sitting on the bench, quietly running scales on the keyboard. She took her usual
spot beside me.
"Chinese will be here in forty-five minutes," she said, leaning into my shoulder
and kissing my cheek, before pulling back and looking at me expectantly.
I thought about telling her about the piece, but decided that the music more than
said anything I wanted her to know. So, I just started playing. I knew the
moment she recognized it, by the quiet, sharp intake of her breath. I looked at
her out of the corner of my eye, grinning like a fool, watching her lose herself in
the music. This was exactly what I had always dreamed of, this was the way she
was supposed to hear this.
Ten minutes later, I played the final notes and reached over to pull her onto my
lap so that she was straddling me, face to face. I wiped the tears from her eyes
with my thumbs, smiling at her softly.
"Well?" I asked her, feeling slightly nervous.
"That was...Edward, how...I thought...I, I'm just speechless," she finished.
We sat there, quietly for a moment, not speaking just enjoying each other's
presence as Bella gathered her thoughts.
"That was beautiful, truly. I know I've heard it once before, but the music sounds
so familiar, Edward, like I've known it my whole life. I can almost feel the love
threaded through every note, even when it's angry and despairing, the love
makes my heart ache with hope. Like what the composer feels for whoever it's
written for is just...timeless and infinite. That probably sounds weird," she looked
away from me, embarrassed at her admission.
I just smiled wider, unable to hide my happiness. "It should sound familiar, B-
and not just because you've heard it before. I've been working on it since we
were fourteen..."
She interrupted me, a look of shock on her face. "You wrote that? Edward, that's
absolutely amazing. I mean, I knew you were talented, but, yeah, wow."
I laughed a little at her amazement. "It's us, B. I started writing it the first time I
realized I loved you and I've been adding to it ever since. I finished it last month
when you went back to Washington to pack up, when I realized that I didn't need
to hide my feelings in the music anymore."
The look of wonder on her face took my breath away, I loved her so fucking
much. She crashed her mouth against mine and I felt her pouring every bit of
love she had into the kiss. After several minutes, we pulled apart, both of us
panting.
"Thank you, Edward. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving me even
when I made it damned near impossible. Thank you for writing something so
beautiful. I can't compose music for you and words seem so small in comparison
to what I feel for you." She rested her forehead against mine, looking into my
eyes. "But, I'll spend the rest of forever showing you that I love you with
everything that I have."
I pulled her to me tightly, holding her against my chest, while we whispered our
love to one another. I couldn't imagine a more perfect start to our life together.
Confessions Outtake/Futureshot #2
My palms were sweating and my tie felt like it was choking me, I was so nervous.
I had been planning tonight for several months, although, technically, I guess
I've been planning it since I was fourteen. I heard the click of Bella's heels on the
stairs and stopped fidgeting to look up at her. What I saw took my breath away
and immediately calmed my nerves. She was glowing, a small smile playing on
her lips, the deep red dress she wore set off her pale, flawless skin. She was
sinfully beautiful. Even three years of living with her hadn't changed the effect
she had on me and certain parts of my anatomy.
She stood in front of me, and I rested my hands on her hips as her hands came
up to smooth my tux jacket over my shoulders. "God, you kill me in a tux,
Edward. If this wasn't so important, you might not be able to leave the house."
Her laughter stirred the bubbles in my stomach, though they were no longer
bubbles of nerves but of lust.
I had found out at the beginning of the season that I was being given a solo
during one of the spring performances, with the express purpose of highlighting
the piece I had written for Bella, being debuted as, "Bel Sogno"*. As soon as I
was asked to perform, I knew that was the perfect time to propose. Luckily, my
boss, Marcus, was amenable, and I was easily able to orchestrate everything.
My first thought was to propose to her onstage right after the performance, but I
realized that she would probably kill me if I put her on the spot like that in front
of a packed house. And I wanted her to have every reason to say yes.
The feel of her lips on mine brought me back to the beautiful woman in front of
me, her hand caressing my cheek.
"Hey, where'd you go?" she asked gently. "You're not nervous about playing, are
you? You're going to be great and that piece is amazing, Edward. And I'm not
just saying that because I know the meaning behind it."
I reached down to kiss her again, reveling in the sweet warmth of her soft lips
against mine. "I'm a little nervous, but I'll be fine once I'm up on stage. It's the
build up that gets me worked up." I chuckled slightly at the secret meaning of my
words, the performance was the least of my worries. I knew this piece backwards
and forwards. It was the after-party, so to speak, that had me terrified.
Checking my pocket one more time for the small velvet bag containing her ring, I
reached for her hand and we moved to the door. Ideally, I would have liked to
have taken Bella out for dinner before we went to the Symphony Center, but I
had been in rehearsal all afternoon. I actually had to have special permission just
to come home to change and pick-up Bella. Normally, we were required to arrive
at the theater two hours in advance to ensure that everyone was there in time for
the performance.
The ride over was filled with a nervous, happy energy. Bella was in rare form,
giggling over nothing and cracking jokes. I loved how she always knew exactly
what I needed and her, just like this, was perfect. I glanced over at her and my
heart raced at the sight of her wide, joyful smile, her eyes were shinning in the
fading sunlight, crinkled at the corners with happiness. I would do whatever it
took for her to always be this happy.
After we parked the car, I escorted Bella to the reception being held before the
performance in the theater lobby. I had to get backstage and check in, waiting for
our cue to file in with the other musicians. My piece was the last of the evening,
before hand, I was part of the larger orchestra performance. I wouldn't be able to
see Bella from the stage, the lighting made it impossible to see into the crowd,
but just knowing she was there was enough.
Before I knew it, my solo was upon me. I listened to the polite applause as I
settled neatly onto the piano bench, took a deep breath and began to play.
Knowing what was coming after the theater cleared out made me especially
nostalgic and reminiscent, those emotions pouring through my fingers and into
the music. I had never played this piece more honestly or more true. I hoped
Bella understood what I was wordlessly telling her, hoped she knew that I was
declaring myself before the entire theater.
There was a moment of anticipatory silence as the last note rang through the
hall, the entire audience seemingly holding it's breath as I held mine, trying to
make it's final judgment of my performance. The sudden, deafening roar of
applause was absolutely humbling. I stood, turning blindly to the crowd, the
bright stage lights leaving green spots dancing in my vision, I nodded once my
appreciation before exiting to the right of the stage into the wings.
The adrenaline coursing through my veins was helping to keep my nerves at bay
as I waited for the theater to clear out and Bella to make her way to me
backstage. The moment I caught sight of her, I rushed to meet her, lifting her
into my arms easily. She wrapped her arms around my neck, burying her fingers
in my hair, as we kissed passionately, momentarily forgetting that we were still
surrounded by my co-workers. Pulling back, I marveled at her face and saw the
remnants of her tears on her wet eyelashes and the tracks they left on her
cheeks where they had coursed across her flesh earlier.
"It gets me every time you play it, but tonight, especially so. You were amazing,
love, absolutely amazing!" she gushed, her hands on either side of my face,
thumbs caressing my cheeks. She leaned in again to capture my lips sweetly.
Eventually, the theater was almost emptied of people, and Bella looked at me
questioningly. "So where to now?" she asked, smirking.
"Well, I had something new I wanted to play for you, and I'd like to do that, if it's
okay with you."
"You can do that?" she nervously asked.
"Bella, I practically own this place. I can do anything I want," I replied, barely
containing my laughter. She just raised her eyebrow at me in obvious doubt.
"Okay, and I asked Marcus who said we could use the theater for a little while," I
replied, the laughter breaking free. The teasing scowl she gave me just made me
laugh harder.
Realizing we were as alone we were going to get, I took her hand and started
pulling her back towards the stage. The stage lights had been turned off, leaving
only the faint glow of the emergency lights illuminating the stage. I sat at the
piano for second time that evening, sitting towards the outer edge to ensure that
Bella had enough room to be comfortable. Once she was settled beside me, I
leaned over to gently kiss her temple, taking a moment to inhale her scent.
After a deep, calming breath, I placed my hands on the piano keys. This was it,
the moment of truth, if everything went right in the next twenty minutes, I would
be sitting next to my fiancee instead of just my girlfriend.
If the other piano piece was my deepest wants and desires for Bella, this was
about my dreams and prayers for our future together. Fifteen minutes of
watching her watch me play left me hungry for her and desperate to know her
answer to the question I had yet to ask. For the second time that night, the last
note rang through the echoing silence of the hall and I rested my hands once
again in my lap. Bella was speechless, her eyes wide with awe, her hands slightly
shaking, covering her open mouth.
I gently took her left hand into my own shaking hand, kissing the back and then
the palm. She opened her mouth to speak, but I leaned in kissing her lips lightly,
silently asking her to let me speak. I was afraid that if I didn't get this out, I
would mess it all up.
"Bella, I've loved you almost my whole life. You have been my reason for
everything, for breathing, for living. We've been through everything together,
those times when I thought we couldn't possibly survive, we did, the perfect
moments that I wished could last forever and all the time in between. We came
out stronger and better. And having lived without you, I know that I never want
that again. I need you in my life, by my side, in my arms, forever."
I paused, setting her hand onto my knee, reached into my pocket and took out
the small velvet bag. Holding her gaze, I opened the bag, depositing the ring into
my open palm. Bella gasped at the sight of the ring, tears streaming down her
cheeks. I lifted her left hand once again, kissing the back and palm.
"Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every day of forever. I don't ever want to
live without you again. Marry me, Bella. Please."
"Oh, Edward, I...I don't know what to say," she whispered. "You loved me even
when I didn't deserve it. You believed in us even when I fought so hard and you
never gave up on me. I know that I can never take back the hurt I've caused you
and the pain you've suffered because of my own fears. But I promised you that I
would spend the rest of my life making it up to you and proving that I love you."
I looked at her expectantly, ready to slip the ring on her left hand the minute she
said the word. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against mine, her eyes
looking deeply into mine.
"Of course it's yes, my sweet, wonderful, amazing man. How could I say anything
other than yes?"
Deep, joyful laughter bubbled up from my chest and I placed the ring on her
finger. I didn't care that it was unmanly to laugh joyfully, Bella just agreed to
marry me, she was going to be my wife, if that didn't call for joyful then I didn't
know what else in this world possibly could. The scorching kiss we shared ended
up with her sitting on my lap, grinding her body against mine on the piano bench,
neither of us able to get close enough with our clothes on.
The sudden drone of a vacuum cleaner brought us both out of our lust-induced
haze. We were sitting with our foreheads resting against each other, breath
panting.
"Take me home, Edward. I need you."
I grabbed her left hand in mine, loving the way her ring felt nestled between our
fingers, and pulled her along behind me as we both practically sprinted out of the
building and to the car. The ride home was a blur of innocent, and not-so-
innocent, touches and kisses. By the time we were standing at the front door of
the condo, my dick was throbbing and the keys were shaking in my hands,
making it almost impossible to open the front door.
The minute the door was closed behind us, I had Bella pressed against it, kissing
her desperately, touching and caressing every bit of skin my fingers could reach.
I felt her fingers digging into my back, as if she were trying to actually pull me
into herself as we stood there. Her passion and intensity only spurred on my own
desperation.
She pushed against me gently, and I stepped back to give her room while she
reached behind herself and started tugging on her zipper, letting out an sexy
growl of frustration when it wouldn't budge. I moved to her back, kissing her
shoulder before taking over the removal of her clothing. The dress slipped down
her body, landing in a pool of red velvet at her feet, leaving her standing before
me in a matching black lace bra and pantie set. She still took my breath away,
every time.
Kissing up the column of her neck, I reached around her body, teasing her
breasts and feeling her nipples harden against my palms. She leaned her head
back against my shoulder, moaning lowly. Hearing her husky, lust-filled voice
whisper my name went straight to my groin, causing me to rub against her
delectable ass.
"Please, Edward, I need you," she whispered against my ear before nibbling on
the lobe.
She didn't have to tell me twice. I scooped her up into my arms and moved
assuredly up the stairs towards our room, trying to ignore the weak sensation in
my legs every time Bella's teeth grazed my jaw. Setting her gently on the bed, I
tore my own clothes off, damn near ripping the bow tie in an effort to get it off
my neck. Bella's giggles stopped my movements as I turned my burning stare
towards her.
"Something funny, love?" I asked, stalking towards her with my unbuttoned
pants barely hanging onto my hips and my white button down dress shirt flapping
open with my steps.
Catching the feral look in my eyes, her breath hitched as she breathed out a
barely audible, "No".
She scooted away from me on the bed until her head was resting on the pillows. I
continued towards her, covering her body with mine, her legs laying open on
either side of me while I pressed my cock into her heat. Trailing my fingers up
her sides and then pressing her arms above her head, I wrapped my left hand
around her wrists, holding her limbs immobile.
She was stretched out below me, the angle of her arms forcing her back to arch,
pushing her breasts up into my chest. I groaned at her whimpers and moans of
pleasure as I nipped and sucked my way down her body. Using my right hand, I
pushed the cups of her bra down, exposing the rosy buds of her breasts to me
before I delved in, alternating sides as I rhythmically sucked and nibbled until she
was lost in a frenzy of undulating pleasure.
After several minutes of teasing, I took mercy on her, continuing kissing and
nipping down her body, stopping to slowly lick the rim of her belly button, dipping
my tongue in briefly before continuing on to where she needed me. We worked
together to quickly remove her panties and bra, leaving her bare to me. My
mouth watered as her heady scent took over my senses, leaving me dizzy with
desire. I reached the apex of her thighs, lightly running my nose down her slit
before pushing my tongue between her lips and licking back up.
The minute my tongue pressed against her clit, Bella's voice changed from the
low moans of desperation and want, to the high pitched keening of overwhelming
pleasure. I continued my insistent sucking and nipping of the small nub while my
fingers teased the outside edges of her entrance, keeping her tensed and ready.
When her hips moved forcefully against my face, I plunged two fingers into her
slick, wet, warmth, without warning. Her muscles immediately clamped down
around my fingers as I continued to move in and out of her body, her back
arched off the bed, heels digging into the mattress, fingers gripping the sheets
taut, as her orgasm flooded through her and she screamed my name. Slowing
down, I continued the movements of my tongue and fingers, helping her to ride
out the pleasure as long as possible.
After she had pulled every last drop of pleasure from her orgasm, and I'd drunk
every last drop of her, she sank her fingers into my hair tugging roughly, leading
me back to her mouth. Her tongue forcefully moved against mine, I moaned
loudly realizing that she could taste herself on my tongue. She brought her legs
up to my hips, shoving my pants off my hips and down my legs. Moments later,
we had both finished tearing my clothes from my body, and I was once again
lying above her, my body nestled between her open thighs, my torso propped on
my forearms. I stared into her eyes, the connection between us was palpable in
the room as we spoke without words. I could see our forever reflected back to me
in this one look. The mood in the room had shifted, and where there was
sparking, fire-hot desire, there was now nothing but overwhelming need and
reverence.
I was making love to my fiancee for the first time, the woman who had promised
to be my wife was laying beneath me, offering herself up to me, trusting me
completely, not only with her body, but with her heart and mind, as well. She
trusted me to know her and what she wanted and needed, she trusted that I
would always give her anything, everything, that I could. And I trusted her
completely for the same.
The ache to be inside her was too much and I slipped inside her body, finally
feeling whole as we were connected on the most primal of levels. Our movements
were in perfect synchronization, our bodies stayed pressed together, in perfect
harmony. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, mine crossed behind her
back, holding her to me as close as possible. Even bound this tightly, it felt like
she was too far away. I had never wanted to consume her, take her into myself,
hold her inside of me forever, as badly as I did right this moment.
I felt her muscles begin to flutter around my cock in prelude to her orgasms, I
felt my own release tighten in my stomach, moments away. I pulled away slightly
to look into her eyes again, realized they were scrunched close in pleasure.
"Open your eyes, love, let me see you," I whispered.
She immediately complied, opening her eyes widely, her whole face transforming
into a look that was beatific. Pressing her forehead to mine, a low moan rumbled
through her chest as she found her release, her body tightening around me,
pulling me down with her, neither of us breaking eye contact. Our bodies slowly
calmed down, and I watched as Bella's eyes closed as she breathed a sigh of
complete contentment. Tears slipped silently down her cheeks, and I reached up
to kiss the edge of both eyes. I gently pulled her left hand from behind my neck,
kissing the back of her hand and then the palm, before finally placing a kiss on
the ring perched on her finger.
Neither of us spoke, there were no words that would do anything but mar the
perfection of this moment.
* Bel Sogno- Beautiful Dream
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